#She will accept your complete and unconditional surrender

[runefactorynonsense]

Cozytober - Day 31 - Feast (for my eyes!)

🎃Happy Halloween , 2023 🎃

[schemmentigfs]

Sweetening The Deal. (part 11.)

Summary: your first time with Melissa Schemmenti is the equivalent of paradise on its purest form.

tags: @lifeismomentsyoucannotunderstand @lisaannwaltersbra @italianaidiota @kukikatt @dopenightmaretyphoon @schmentisgf @pitstopsapphic @jeridandridge @aliensuperst4rr

Part 1. Part 2. Part 3. Part 4. Part 5. Part 6. Part 7. Part 8. Part 9. Part 10.

Good girl. Those words easily made your heart stop.

When Melissa Schemmenti calls you her good girl, your heart stirs, like a soft breeze brushing over still water. It’s not just a phrase; it’s a tender thread that weaves through the fabric of your very soul, a gentle, sweet ache that dances between your ribs and settles deep in your chest. It’s an affirmation, one that feels like a secret, only between you and her, a promise in her voice that wraps around you like a warm embrace.

The words slip from the redheaded woman’s lips with such ease, but for you, they carry weight, like a whispered prayer, as if you are hearing it for the first time, yet it's a song you have known all your life. It’s not the words themselves but the way they make you feel—a delicate, almost fragile thing, cherished in its own raw vulnerability. The simplicity of it makes you feel seen, in a way that nothing else can. Like the world outside has quieted, leaving only the space between their hearts, where you are both held and adored, soft but strong.

You have always been wary of your own worth, but in that moment, when she speaks those two words, it feels as though the air around you is charged, thick with the warmth of unconditional acceptance. It’s a balm to the wounds you hide so carefully, a kind of softness that pierces through you, unraveling the pieces of yourself that were once too guarded. It’s not submission but a gentle surrender—one that she offers freely, knowing it is not demanded but given, as a gift, as a love so complete it makes her tremble.

As red lips and flat tongue trail down your folds, every inch of your skin ignites with sensation, a heat that spreads like wildfire. The feeling is intimate, consuming, every touch of this mouth marking you as hers. It’s not just physical; it’s a slow unraveling, a delicate surrender to the pleasure that only Melissa knows how to give.

There’s a rawness in it, an intensity that draws every part of her attention to the present moment, to the way she moves with such purpose, with such reverence. Every breath you take is sharp, caught somewhere between longing and release, as her warmth spreads over your most sensitive and delicate parts.

Your body arches instinctively, seeking more, chasing the heady mixture of tenderness and heat. The contrast between the green eyed woman’s pure softness and the firm press of her tongue causes your mind to scatter, every thought becoming a blur, except for the overwhelming sensation of being loved in this way. It’s not just physical pleasure, but something deeper—a melding of their souls, a raw and beautiful intimacy that goes beyond skin. The rhythm of her mouth is rhythmic, almost hypnotic, drawing her deeper into the abyss of pleasure and trust.

Your hands clutch the sheets, the cool fabric grounding you as every nerve in your body sings with want. The feeling of Melissa’s pink tongue, so deliberate and skilled, makes you pulse with a kind of desperate need, one that only this moment, only this connection can fill. This is where you belong—here, in those strong arms, in the softness of her touch and the strength of her love. The world outside of this room, outside of this bond, no longer exists. There is only this, only the deep trust you feel in the way she takes her time, in the way she listens to your body and answers with devotion.

As Melissa continues, each movement, each kiss on your most sensitive parts, feels like a prayer, a reverent act of worship, and you can’t help but surrender completely, allowing yourself to be consumed, to be adored in this way. Your heart races in tandem with the rhythm of their intimacy, the pressure building inside, a delicious tension that tightens in your chest and lower belly. The pleasure swells inside you, and with every stroke, every subtle shift of her mouth, you are definitely overwhelmed with the sensation of being both cherished and owned. Good girl is still in your ears, and it hums within you like a constant echo, reminding you of the love that laces every action, every touch.

Her tongue finds its destination with deliberate precision, the warm, wet pressure against your harden clit drawing a sharp gasp from your lips. It’s not gentle, not tentative—Schemmenti knows exactly what she’s doing, and the confidence in her movements sends a jolt of electricity through your body. Your thighs tremble, but the redhead’s manicured hands are there, firm and steady, gripping your hips and thighs to hold you in place, as if grounding you to this moment. Her grip is possessive, her nails pressing just enough to leave a hint of sensation that only adds to the overwhelming pleasure.

A sweet sound of Melissa’s needy moan vibrates against your pussy, and the sensation sends your head spinning, back arching off the mattress as a raw curse spills from you. “Fuck, baby. That tounge feels so good.”

The words come out breathless, broken, and you can barely recognize your own voice. The heat pooling in your belly intensifies as your possible girlfriend’s tongue moves in perfect rhythm, flicking and circling your clit, each motion calculated to pull you closer and closer to the edge.

The older woman doesn’t stop, doesn’t falter. Instead, she hums softly, almost smugly, against you, the vibrations shooting sparks of pleasure up your damn spine. Moans mix with the wet, sinful sounds of her mouth working tirelessly, and the combination is enough to drive you wild. Your palms clutch at the sheets again, twisting them as your body writhes, caught between trying to pull away from the intensity and pressing closer to ride Melissa’s sinful mouth.

“Goddamn, Lis, please—” your voice is ragged, laced with desperation, the words slipping out between sharp breaths. Your figure is alight, every nerve ending focused on the way Melissa’s tongue lavishes attention on your clit, alternating between firm, slow strokes and quick, teasing flicks. Hands tighten on your shaky thighs, pulling them even wider apart as if she needs more of you, all of you. The possessiveness in her grip, the raw hunger in her moans, sends shivers down your soul spine, teetering on the brink.

Her relentless tongue doesn’t falter for a second, but soon, you feel the unmistakable press of her fingers, teasing at your dripping entrance. It’s slow at first, deliberate, as though Melissa is savoring every moment of your unraveling. The sensation of her sucking and circling your pebble paired with the gentle, probing touch of her digits pulls a broken moan from your throat, her body convulsing as you gasp for air.

Green eyes look at you while she takes her time, sliding one finger in, curling it perfectly to find that spot that makes more curses spill out uncontrollably. “Fuck, Melissa, oh my—” 

Your tone is trembling, desperate, every word dragged out by the pleasure coursing through you. She grunts against your tight cunt in response, the vibrations sparking another jolt of electricity through your core. The thing is she knows exactly what she’s doing, knows how to pull you apart with maddening precision.

“Such a good girl for me,” Melissa murmurs against you, her tone husky and dripping with affection, even as she adds a second finger, stretching just enough to make you whine sharply. Her praise, her touch—it’s too much and not enough all at once, and your hips buck against her, seeking more, chasing the fire that’s building higher and higher inside you.

The redhead’s grip on your thighs tightens, keeping you steady as her fingers pump in and out in perfect rhythm, her mouth leaving your clit to lick and plug your entrance. The combination is dizzying, every thrust pushing you closer to the edge, every flick sending you spiraling further into bliss. She moans again, the sound satisfying and deep, vibrating through you in a way that makes your whole vision blur.

“Babe,” you grab her auburn curls as tightly as you can. “I need to cum, please.”

You pant and break, words dissolving into a sharp cry as fingers curl just right, hitting that spot with an intensity that leaves you shaking. It feels like everything it’s on fire, every nerve alight with sexual tension, your mind lost in the sensation of Melissa Ann Catarina Schemmenti consuming you completely. The pure wet, obscene sounds of fingers moving inside you combined with the strong scent of sex filling the bedroom, soft hum of her tongue on your pussy it’s overwhelming, intoxicating.

Melissa looks up briefly, her olive eyes blazing with hunger, the sight alone enough to make you tremble. “C’mon, pretty girl,” she commands. “Let me feel you. Cum for me.”

This is the final push, and with one last nurse of her tongue, one perfect thrust of her fingers, you fall apart completely, your figure shuddering violently as the climax of the orgasm rips through you. Curses melt into incoherent cries and screams, your hips trembling as the forty-five year old holds you through it, her mouth and fingers working her through every wave of pleasure until you’re left trembling and begging for rest.

Minutes pass and she pulls away just long enough to hover over you, her breath heavy and ragged as her hands grip your hips, positioning you just right. She spreads your legs wide, guiding you into position so that your bodies can press together, your clits brushing softly at first, then harder, the friction sending a rush of heat through both of you. It’s new, unfamiliar—raw and intimate—and every touch, every shift makes it feel like the world is unraveling around you and her.

Your heart stops at the first contact, the electric spark between you making your stomach tighten. Melissa moans loud, her eyes fluttering closed as the sensation builds, as your pussies slide against each other in a maddening rhythm. The sound is guttural, needy, like a prayer escaping her lips. Her hands grip your thighs, her fingers digging in as if she’s trying to hold on to this moment, but nothing feels like it’s enough. Nothing is slow enough, soft enough.

“God, fuck, you feel so good,” the older woman gasps, shaky and raw, her tone breathless and frantic as she rolls her hips against yours, feeling your buds rub together in an agonizingly slow, steady motion. Olive eyes flutter open, locking with yours, and she watches your face, her mouth parted with each breathless whimper that escapes.

“Melly,” you try to speak but she interrupts quickly.

“You like this? Yeah, I know you do. So fuckin’ perfect,” Melissa groans, her pupils blow with desire. “Jesus, you’re making me lose my mind.”

Your own breath is ragged, your nails scratching her curves as both bodies grind together. The friction is intense, and yet the two of you seem to hold back, not letting the release come too soon. You are caught in the building pressure, each movement pushing further toward the edge without quite letting you fall.

“Ohh shit, yes, yes, yes!” your body shudders as you try to hold on, but Melissa doesn’t let you escape. She keeps pushing, keeps rolling her hips harder against yours— almost bouncing—every moment an invitation to something more.

She breaks, her moan deep and drawn out, almost a growl. “Don’t you dare cum yet, baby,” she whispers desperately. “I need to give you permission first.”

The redheaded woman forces herself to slow down, to keep the pressure building, her green eyes rolling back in her head as she tries to hold onto the feeling without giving in. The heat builds and builds, your bodies slick with sweat, and each brush against each other sends both of you spiraling closer to the orgasm without releasing.

“Please...” you beg while trembling with need, hips rising to meet each press of hers, desperate for more. The tension is unbearable, both of you are teetering on the brink, lost in the feeling of each other’s bodies so close, so intertwined.

Melissa can hardly breathe, her movements becoming frantic as she chases the same release that you do, but neither gives in. “Holy fuck, honey, I can’t—” she gasps, her voice a broken plea, as her hips grind harder, faster, chasing the feeling, losing herself in your warmth. “You are so sweet, so warm. So delicious.”

The sexual tension is obvious, like a coil tightening, but then, a small shift in the way you move catches her off guard—your hand slides down, palm flat, and then wraps around the curve of her pale ass, squeezing it firmly. The sudden touch sends a jolt of heat through the sicilian, a wave of arousal that makes her entire body tighten with want.

She whimpers, louder now, her lashes fluttering as the sensation of your hand on her ass forces her to slow down just for a moment, savoring the feeling of being held, of being claimed in such an intimate way after a long time. The pressure of your palm is possessive, urgent, and it stirs something deep within Melissa. She can feel your fingertips digging into the flesh of her ass, the way it moves in a slow, teasing circle, feeling the curve and muscle beneath her skin. It’s like a spark, igniting the very core of her desire.

Your grip on her ass tightens, squeezing again, pulling her closer, and Melissa’s breath catches in her throat. The touch is everything—dominant, possessive, and incredibly tender all at once—and it sends shivers down her spine. It makes her feel raw, vulnerable, as if this connection is something far more than just sex. It’s an unspoken claim, a promise, a shared understanding.

“For fuck’s sake. Keep touching me like that," the redhead gasps, her breath hitching as she moves against you. ”I need you, amore. I need you... so bad.”

The connection deepens with every touch, every movement. It’s like you’re both desperately holding on to each other, not wanting to break the spell, not yet ready to give in completely. The heat between you grows unbearable, as the beautiful Melissa Schemmenti continues to feel the steady pressure of your hand, the way you hold her, owns her in this moment. Every stroke, every grind, pulls you both closer and closer to the release you can’t hold off much longer.

And just like that a single word escapes from your deep throat, breathy and trembling, a word that sends an electric shock through her entire body. “Mommy.”

The title hits Melissa like a punch to the gut, a shock of raw desire shooting through her veins. She freezes for a second. She stops. She swears she can feel her heart skip a beat, her mind barely able to process how right it sounds coming from your lips.

The way you say it, soft but desperate, the word laced with something possessive and needy, ignites something deep inside of her. A wave of heat floods her body, her core tightening with an almost primal lust. Mommy—green eyes flash with something else, something raw and untamed as the word reverberates in her head, making her head spin. She’s been called Mommy before by other women and men, but never like this—not with such unrestrained need, such will. It’s as if you poured your entire soul into that single word, and it wraps around Melissa like a vice, pulling her deeper into this moment. Her breathing fails, her manicured hands trembling slightly before they grip you tighter, her hips grinding down harder as the sensation threatens to undo her completely.

The green eyed woman groans, before she’s leaning down to capture your lips in a searing kiss, her mouth hot and demanding. The kiss is intense, filled with heat and Melissa can’t stop herself from pulling you closer, deepening the kiss as her fingers dig into your flushed skin.

“Fuck, don’t say that,” she growls against your mouth. “You’re gonna make me insane.” The plea come out between hungry kisses, her lips hot against yours, as she starts to kiss you more fiercely, more urgently. Each time your lips meet, she can feel the tension rising, her body on the edge of giving in completely. She bites down on your lower lip, tugging it gently, as her hands slide to your hips, guiding her into a rhythm that makes both shudder.

“Mommy, please fuck me,” you whine, seeking for more.

“Mommy....goddamn,” Melissa curses, the satisfaction in her voice unmistakable. She can’t control the way her body reacts to the word, the way it pulls her deeper into the moment, closer to the madness of this connection. It feels like a dangerous secret, a boundary crossed, and she can’t help but kiss you harder, more desperately.

Bodies move against each other, the friction making the world blur around you, your kisses messy and frantic as the two of you chase that dizzying height. Your hand grips auburn curls, tugging her closer, urging her to continue, and with every touch, every kiss, the Schemmenti woman feels herself unraveling more, her control slipping.

“You like that, don’t you?” she prompts between kisses. “You like calling me Mommy.”

“I-I do,” you agree as the intensity of the moment overwhelms you. The way Melissa is kissing you, everything about this feels urgent, almost desperate. It’s as though you are both clinging to something, unwilling to let go, pushing forward without hesitation.

The redheaded woman sees the nod, the silent agreement, and her body takes over, moving faster, harder, the rhythm building into something electric. She lets out a breathy moan, feeling your body press into hers, the friction becoming a steady wave of pleasure that floods through her. Each thrust, each roll of her hips, makes feel like her control is slipping, losing its grip as she pushes harder, her figure desperate for cumming.

“Holy fuck, this is the best thing I ever felt in all my life,” Melissa grunts.

She moves faster, her movements becoming more frantic, more intense. She feels your hands clutching at her back, pulling her closer, encouraging her to go deeper, to give you more. The pace quickens, the sound of skin meeting skin filling the air as her sharp nails dig in, guiding your movements as you become almost frantic in their need for each other.

“Say it again,” the older woman breathes, her words a desperate plea, her mouth hovering just over your ear. “Call me mommy again, and I’ll make you feel so good.”

“Mommy,” you smile softly and the word along with the grin has the power to send Melissa into a frenzy.

“That’s it,” she mutters. “Fuck, you’re mine. All mine.”

The speed escalates as the pressure mounts, Melissa’s movements become more urgent. Her breath hitches, her chest rising and falling rapidly as she feels herself on the edge, just a moment away from falling into the intensity of your shared climax.

Her face twists, a flicker of vulnerability breaking through her usually composed exterior. It’s a moment of rawness, of surrender, and it’s impossible for her to hide it. The muscles in her jaw tighten as she moans softly, her lips parting as she gasps for air. Her olive eyes, usually so full of control, now glimmer with something desperate, something wild. Her brows furrow in pleasure, her mouth opening as she chokes out a low, broken curse.

“Fuck,” she gasps barely more than a breath. “I’m going to cum. Please babygirl, make Mommy come.” The look on her face, that unmistakable sign of the climax building inside her, makes her pant harder. She presses her forehead against yours, lips barely brushing as she moves faster, harder, chasing the moment she knows is about to explode.

You see it—see the raw expression on her symmetrical face, the way her muscles strain, the way she’s losing herself in the intensity of their connection. It’s a moment of pure vulnerability, one that strips away any walls, any barriers. And it only drives you to meet her with equal fervor, pushing both to the edge, to the precipice of everything you have been building.

Melissa’s grip tightens, her breathing becoming ragged as she lets out a strangled cry. It’s clear now—she’s right there, on the edge, and everything inside her is unraveling in waves of heat. Her glistening lips part, her green eyes half-closed, and for a moment, she’s lost to the intensity of it, no longer able to hold back, no longer caring if she shows how close she is.

In that moment, it’s impossible to ignore the raw, unfiltered truth in her expression. She’s coming undone, and it’s the most beautiful thing you have ever seen.

As you and her reach the edge, the tension in the air snaps, and everything comes crashing down in waves. Melissa’s curvy body tenses as her breath catches in her throat, the rush of pleasure flooding through her. She gasps, a low, guttural moan escaping her lips as she finally gives in, her body shuddering uncontrollably on top of you. Her grip loosens slightly, her hand falling to the bed as she breathes out a string of curses, the overwhelming sensation of release pulling her further into the moment.

You follow close behind, the feeling of your souls and bodies connecting, sending you spiraling into your own climax. It’s like an explosion, a wave of warmth and satisfaction that fills you completely.

When it’s over, when the tremors slowly fade, Melissa pulls away, her body slumping back onto the bed. She rolls onto her back, her arm coming over her eyes to shield herself from the harsh light. Her chest rises and falls rapidly, each breath coming in quick, shallow gasps as the aftermath of everything lingers in her body. She feels exhausted, her muscles sore, but it’s a good kind of ache.

“Jesus Mary and Joseph…” the redhead giggles on a hushed rasp. She doesn’t even move at first, letting herself bask in the quiet aftermath, feeling the soft sheets beneath her. The world feels like it’s slowed down, like time has stopped for just a moment, and she can finally catch her breath.

Her arm remains across her eyes, a shield from the vulnerability she feels in the aftermath. It’s not shame, not exactly—just the rawness of the moment, of everything she just shared. She’s always been one to keep her composure, to stay in control, but now, in this quiet afterglow, she lets herself be a little exposed.

“Fuck..” she says again, quieter this time, as she tries to steady her breathing, still feeling the thrum of their connection coursing through her. “That was...” She doesn’t finish the sentence. Words feel unnecessary now, and instead, she just exhales deeply, her arm slowly lowering as she lets herself relax into the bed, her chest rising and falling slowly with each breath.

Slowly, you reach out, her fingers gentle as you brush it against Melissa’s arm, sliding it away from her face.

The forty-five year old doesn’t resist. She lets you uncover her, her arm falling limply to the side, revealing flushed cheeks and strands of auburn hair sticking to her damp forehead. Her skin glistens with sweat, and her lips are parted slightly, still swollen from the kisses. Olive eyes flutter open, hazy and dazed, and for a moment, she just stares back at you, her breathing still uneven.

You cup her face delicately, thumbs brushing over the soft, warm skin of her cheeks. The sight of her like this—vulnerable, flushed, and utterly spent—sends a wave of affection through you. Melissa Schemmenti, who’s always so composed and in control, now looks completely undone, her green eyes soft and filled with something unspoken

“You’re so beautiful,” you sigh quitely.

Red lips twitch into the faintest hint of a smile. “You're staring,” though there’s no real protest behind the words. If anything, there’s a softness there, a quiet vulnerability she rarely shows.

“I can’t help it. You’re... breathtaking like this.”

The woman chuckles weakly, the sound more like a breathless exhale. “You’re somethin’ else, you know that?” Her hand comes up to rest over yours, holding it gently against her cheek. She leans into the touch, letting herself relax completely for the first time, her walls completely down.

Hours later, the night casted shadows that danced on the walls. Melissa and you lay tangled together in the aftermath of everything, your bodies entwined in a warm cocoon of sheets and limbs. She was resting her head on your chest, her body draped over yours, her soft breaths creating a gentle rhythm as she pressed her lips to your skin in the quiet moments between kisses.

“You're my beautiful girl,” your lover whispered, the praise full of meaning, more intimate than anything she had said before. She lifted her head just enough to look into your eyes, her expression tender, her auburn hair tousled from the night. Her fingers brushed against your cheek, tracing the curve of your jaw as if memorizing the feel of you.

“Yeah?” you prompted nervously but still gently.

“Actually…my girlfriend,” the redheaded woman added, her voice a little more tentative, but no less genuine.

A soft giggle bubbled up from your chest as you shifted, bringing her closer as you rolled onto your side, your arms wrapped around her waist. You kissed her again, slow and sweet, not rushed but languid, the kind of kiss that carried everything you couldn’t quite put into words.

The weight of the moment was heavy in the best way possible, and you found yourself smiling as your fingers tangled in her hair. “I love you.”

For a split second, the world seemed to stop. Melissa gulped, her eyes widening, searching yours as if she couldn’t believe what she’d just heard. Her lips parted, and for a moment, she looked lost in thought, her gaze flickering between your eyes, her hands trembling where they rested on your body.

Then, without warning, tears welled up in her olive eyes, the dam breaking as she blinked rapidly. “Oh my god,” she breathed. She buried her face against your chest, her sobs quiet but intense, as though she were overwhelmed by the weight of your confession.

You held her tighter, pressing a kiss to the top of her head as she shook with the force of her emotions. “It’s okay,” you whispered, your voice soothing, comforting, as she clung to you, her breath hitching with each sob.

“I—” Melissa gasped, her words caught in her throat as she lifted her head to look at you again, her face streaked with tears but glowing with something else—something radiant. “I love you, too. I love you so much, my beautiful angel.”

You smiled, the weight of everything—of the love, the joy, the uncertainty that had once been there—feeling lighter than air now. With her in your arms, everything finally made sense.

After a long deserved rest, the morning light of dawn crept into the bedroom, painting it in muted shades of gold and pink and casting a glow over the rumpled sheets and tangled limbs on the bed. Melissa stirred first, letting out a groan as her body reminded her of the intensity of the night before. Every muscle seemed to ache in the most delicious way, and she stretched out slowly, wincing slightly. Her hair was a wild mess, a lion’s mane of auburn curls sticking out in every direction, and her eyes were barely open as she sat up, scratching the back of her head.

She looked over at you, still fast asleep, your face serene and buried in the pillows. A faint smile tugged at her lips as she took in the sight of you—her beautiful girl, her girlfriend. The title still felt new and thrilling in her mind, making her chest tighten with warmth.

The redheaded woman swung her legs over the side of the bed, groaning softly again as she stood up, wrapping her silk robe around her sore body. She padded barefoot into the kitchen, craving the comfort of a cigarette and something sweet. Spotting a bowl of fresh strawberries on the counter, she plucked a few, popping one into her mouth as she slid the glass door open and stepped onto the villa’s terrace.

The cool air hit her freckled skin, waking her up slightly as she lit her cigarette with practiced ease. The first drag calmed her, and she exhaled a long stream of smoke, leaning against the railing. The view of the lake below was breathtaking, but her thoughts were far from the scenery.

She reached for her phone on the patio table, scrolling through her contacts until she found the name she was looking for. With a quick tap, the call began ringing, and soon, the familiar, warm voice of Pearl came through the line.

“Missy? What’re you doin’ calling me this early? Did somethin’ happen?” The housekeeper’s voice carried its usual mix of care and mild irritation, like a mother fussing over a grown child.

“Well,” Melissa began, her voice still raspy from sleep, “you won’t believe what happened last night.” She sounded like a teenager sharing a secret, the awe and excitement in her tone undeniable.

“Oh, this I gotta hear. Lemme guess—your girl finally made you stop actin’ like a fool?”

The youngest laughed, taking another drag of her cigarette before blowing the smoke out slowly. “Yeah. She’s my girl now, officially. God, Pearl, she’s... she’s somethin’ else.” Her free hand gestured vaguely, as if trying to articulate something too big for words. “We stayed up talkin’, kissin’, touchin’—you know. And I swear, I don’t think I’ve ever felt like this before.”

A low hum of approval camethrough the phone. “About time, Mel. You’ve been floatin’ around, scared of commitment, for too long. This one’s different, huh?”

Melissa nodded, even though Pearl couldn’t see her. “Yeah. She’s different. She makes me feel... alive. Like I’ve been waitin’ for her my whole damn life.” She paused, her voice growing softer. “She called me her angel. Can you believe that? Me? An angel.”

“Well, you better treat her right, then. No runnin’, no hidin’. Just love her, Melissa.”

“I will,” the green eyed woman promised, popping another strawberry into her mouth and savoring the sweetness. “I’m all in, P. No more games.”

They chatted a little longer before Melissa ended the call, feeling lighter and more certain than ever. She flicked her cigarette into the ashtray, wiped her hands on her robe, and padded back inside, her bare feet making soft sounds against the tiled floor.

When she entered the bedroom, the sight of you still curled up in bed made her heart skip a beat. She slipped off her robe, letting it pool on the floor, and quietly locked the door behind her. The breeze was warm against her naked self as she slid back under the covers, her body naturally gravitating toward yours.

You stirred slightly, your face instinctively nuzzling against her stomach, hiding there like it was the safest place in the world. Your girlfriend chuckled softly, running her fingers through your hair as she sighed, feeling a wave of tenderness wash over her.

“You’re so precious to me, you know that?” she pressed a kiss to the top of your head. You hummed sleepily, your arms wrapping around her waist as you pulled her closer, and Melissa couldn’t help but smile, her heart swelling with a love that felt almost too big for her chest.

This was home. This was everything.

Next Chapter.

[hoursofreading]

Love has you. Love is you. Love alone, and your deep need for love, recognizes love everywhere else. Remember that you already are what you are seeking. As Paul states, any fear “that your lack of fidelity could cancel God’s fidelity, is absurd” (Romans 3:3-4). Love can finally overcome fear, and your house will be rebuilt on a new and solid foundation. This foundation was always there, but it takes a long time to find that “It is love alone that lasts” (1 Corinthians 13:13). All you have loved in your life and been loved by are eternal and true. That is why it is very good theology to believe that your dogs, cats, and horses will be with you in heaven. (It will not be heaven if my recently deceased black Lab, Venus, is not there with me!) Two of the primary metaphors of final salvation are Noah’s ark (Genesis 6-9) and “the Peaceable Kingdom” (Isaiah 11:6-9). Interestingly enough, both are filled with images of animals—as worth saving and as representative of paradise regained. Note that God’s covenant with Noah is with “every living creature” and not just with humans. For some reason, some Evangelical Christians who say they believe the Bible, don’t like that! Yet it’s said four times in a row (Genesis 9:8-17). I guess none of us are completely consistent. My fellow Franciscan Friar, Father Jack Wintz, has written a theologically solid book on why we can consider all things loved, loving, and lovable as participating in eternity, including animals. [1] What made us think humans were the only ones who love and are lovable? If unconditional love, loyalty, and obedience are the tickets to an eternal life, then Venus is surely there long before me, along with all the dear wild animals who care for their young at great cost to themselves—and accept their fate far better than most humans. When I had to make the very painful decision to put Venus to sleep on March 30 this year, she literally put her two black paws straight in front of her, stared at me, slowly bowed her head straight to the ground and died. I hope I will die with such trustful surrender.

Richard Rohr

[chaosnoirjpg]

// affirmation and a prayer //

Affirm // - Thank you for another day, another moment to evolve, know and grow closer to you, O God. Glory be to God, always. - I give thanks, appreciation, and gratitude to God for all things in my life. - I am radiant love, peace, and contentment. - I trust that EVERYTHING will work out. - I am asserting the mastery of my real self! - I don’t chase. I attract. What is aligned with my highest good will simply find me. - I am whole, perfect, strong, powerful, loving, harmonious, and content! - I accept myself completely, here and now, consciously experiencing everything I feel, think, say, and do, as a necessary part of my spiritual awakening.

God is here, Ever-giving of herself, Withholding no good thing from me. God is closer to me than my very breath God is my protector, my provider, my creativity, my heartbeat, my spark of life, my joy and bliss, my very reason for being; God’s thoughts are my thoughts, God’s actions are my actions. I am love’s s own. I am one with God, God is one with me; God is all. Her skin forms the galaxies, Her thoughts become the stars, The sun is Her own warmth, Her breath is felt upon the earth, causing the roar of the ocean waves, Her voice is heard in the call of the whales, the trill of the birds, and in my own heart. God nurtures Life into existence. No thing lies outside of God, that includes me and my dreams, great or small. My soul brightens in the darkness when I speak your name, O Lord. All that is created, all that is made manifest, without exception, flows through Her Divine Being. She is the reason it is safe to trust in life. I take comfort in the loving protection of the Divine. The reason I know that I am safe, protected, and loved, and I may trust fully and completely. I pray for light and Love in the midst of fear, darkness, and the inexplicable mysteries of life. God is within me and all around me.

In the name of God/Goddess/ I am with grace, mercy, and ease; I am blessed with the ability to truly receive Divine abundance and prosperity, in all ways now. I surrender, clear and heal any and all resistance to receiving Life fully, so that I may attain my Divine destiny in this lifetime and know and receive Love fully and completely in all its majesty. I step into the power of witness; experiencing and receiving the beauty and the beingness of life, cultivating great energy, hope and inspiration. I relax into the knowing that everything will work out. Peace radiates from within me; Deeply rooted in the loving-trusting of the Divine; I surrender to the deliciousness of Life; I give permission for awe and wonder to envelop me, all the days of my life. My desires are divine and sacred for my desires are the language of my soul. My soul is inherently peaceful, aligned with the Divine Loving Oneness, forever and always. With the unconditional Love and Divine protection of God/Goddess/I am, my higher self, my venerable ancestors, my angels, my guides, my guardians, ascended masters, wise ones, and helpers I invoke their assistance and guidance now and forever. I ask for help this day and in all ways through unconditional love. Thank you. Through the loving grace of the Divine who loves me without condition, these hands are now blessed as the hands of the lover and the beloved, as the one divine hand, all-encompassing. I am blessed, protected, nurtured and received. I am touched by the Divine with compassionate mercy and loving tenderness. I call on the hand of grace to touch, heal, bless and protect all aspects of myself and life. Through divine grace, mercy and ease.

I relax into the knowing that I am loved, protected and provided for in all ways by God, my Spirit Team and the Universe; And In the name of God/Goddess/I am, with grace, mercy, and ease, we consider it done; What I desire for myself I desire for others. Ase, Amen, Ameen!

[floribus-reginae]

.•*¨*•♫♪♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸❤Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ  “If you personify love even in times of torment, of calamity or conflict, then you’re truly one of the mighty. I see how no matter the burdens laid upon you, that you show more allure than many do in times of plenty. It’s in those moments of battle and concern I see right to your soul and know that my faith in you, my love for you, is indestructible. You’re audacious, compassionate, gentle in your own way. I want you to know that I’ll be the same for you. I’ll be your mirror, bring you what you give me- true love, the lasting kind.” - Rin’s diary

A fragile contour was moving in the somberness, looking for one of her beloved spots in the middle of the woods. The same forest where she had first seen him, the forest that beheld and sanctified so many occasions between them. A love story that unfolded over time, gradually and with unconditional indulgence. Something that everyone assumed illogical, improbable, a demon like him to surrender to the enchantments of a dainty human, who has always been honorable and committed. Years passed, the flower bloomed, the loyalty prevailed unchanged but the affection grew, undergoing a colossal metamorphosis and becoming love, an affection capable of moving mountains, intellects, changing the perpetual. Rin was regarded by everyone as the princess who changed Sesshoumaru & his hostile perspective on humankind, on human ephemerality. Something so delicate, inelastic can have the endowment to battle for love and values. 

They do what they must for now and trust in their plan

If I trust in mine, somehow I might find who I am….

The profound lake’s hue became the lyrical song of the petite light that played upon its wind-dancing ruffles, merged with the tender fireflies. Lady Rin knelt on the grass dimly brightened by luminescence. She elegantly inclined to appreciate the reflection granted by the liquid mirror. A crystalline portrait of a woman who savored a plethora of adventures & mellowed preserving the same gentleness, the same angelic smile, leniency for everybody. Someone who still didn’t see the people’s ominous side, the corruption that sometimes dominated the hearts of those who pursued power. “I wonder if I’m worthy enough.” Thought. Worthy of his affection, of being called his spouse. They were from completely parallel environments, & many demons found it arduous to accept that Rin was now the ruler or future leader of one of the more expansive territories. Some had been easily enthralled by her benevolence & optimism, but others hadn’t. Some prevailed stuck with conservative roots & still saw mortals as futile and vulnerable beings. Despite all the irrefutable assurances, occasionally the brunette was afflicted by reluctance.

“Iie, now is not the time for such considerations.” Murmured, shaking her head to ward off such undesired images. There were more compelling things to think about. The pre-eminence of her thoughts should change. Gaze turned from the basin to her parturient abdomen, where one of her silky palms was resting. “We have to protect them, whatever appears.” Declared, addressing her words to the man behind her. “It doesn’t matter how, but their protection at this point is the most important. I’ll never forgive myself if something grave befalls. --- I don’t care if I have to renounce myself for them, nothing is more important than them and you. ” Conviction manifested in the words enunciated with some melancholy. Rin was prepared to do anything to keep her babies alive, even if it meant destroying her own life. All she wanted was for them to have the opportunity to meet their father, of whom she was extremely proud. “I have faith in you, Sesshoumaru-sama. I trust you my life, their lives, my love.---- I trust you with all my heart. I know that you’ll do the right thing.” A clawed palm laid upon her frail shoulder. An unusual gesture, but not for her. She knew a side of him that no one else knew. A placid encouragement that was worth gold & that made her peaceful, confident in her convictions, confident in who she was & whom she had become. He was the most fearless man she had ever met & she was the most valiant woman he had ever met. Someone altruistic, a peasant who had become a princess and who had embraced a realm that wasn’t hers. Fruit of such love were the two half-demons that were evolving in her uterus & whom one day would know who the progenitors were. She didn’t know if they were going to be proud of her or not, but Rin was going to do everything, accept the harshest, the most agonizing way to protect her offspring. “I hope they’ll one day learn about your story, my story, our tale.” Her hues were viewing the reflection again, smiling at the majestic personage standing beside her. Near him, time stopped, the fear disappeared completely, vulnerabilities became a strength.

“Don’t worry. I’ll do the right thing.”

My world has changed, and so have I

I’ve learned to choose and even learned to say good-bye

The path ahead, so hard to see

It winds and bends, but where it ends depends on only me

In my heart I don’t feel part of so much I’ve known

Now it seems it’s time to start a new life on my own

But where do I go from here?

So many voices ringing in my ear

Which is the voice I was meant to hear?

How will I know, where do I go from here?

Song: Where Do I Go From Here - "Pocahontas II: Journey To a New World"

[blxwjobsforclones]

Betting - Din Djarin x reader

Warnings: Smut, and Mando being a cute boy

Words: 4201

Tags: @littlevodika @hxldmxdxwn @maulieber

REQUESTS ARE OPEN

We were in the middle of space, three hours away from the nearest planet. We had been traveling together for about eight months and if someone had ever told me that they would end up in a Razor Crest, with a Mandalorian and a baby of an unknown species who had clear Jedi skills, I would not have believed him. I would have asked him how much alcohol he had drunk and would have dispensed it quickly. Yet here he was, deep in that strange situation, from which he had no intention of leaving soon.

A situation that knew how it would end.

I accepted, or rather, I offered to help Mando, who lately insisted that he call him by his real name, Din Djarin, in his "adventure" of taking the adorable baby with his family. First because it was obvious that she did not know much about children and second and more importantly, he had taken an unconditional love for the little boy and was more than willing to risk my life for his safety.

My relationship with Din Djarin had become somewhat ... complex. We had become a kind of parent for the baby, each in her role and that had united us deeply. Not to mention the countless occasions when we had fought together and saved each other's lives. We definitely had a pretty strong bond. Thanks to that, he had managed to get his to open up with me, enough to tell me about his culture and his past. Mandalorian customs were very interesting, like the topic of the helmet, we ate separately so that he could have a quiet lunch and take it off without worries. I was completely unaware of his face, but I had gotten so used to his deep voice, to the point where I had come across as sexy at times. I sighed, complicated fell short.

I finished putting the blaster in the armory after I had cleaned it and went up the stairs to the ship's cabin. The little boy was asleep in his capsule, which we had repaired between the two a few days ago to make it more comfortable and he was snoring softly, completely oblivious to our world.

I leaned back into Din Djarin's seat slowly.

“Has the child been asleep for a long time?”

He touched a few buttons on the control table and then turned the seat to turn, did not give me time to move, so I was a second away from stumbling. His hand suddenly appeared to grab me, circling my waist and pressing against him, causing me to end up sitting on his lap. Instinctively I leaned against his chest and we stood there paralyzed for a few seconds. I looked directly at him or I think, it was difficult to know with his helmet, from the way he tilted his head I think he was looking back at me.

"Sorry." I cleared my throat loudly.

“You're good?”

I nodded, perhaps with too much energy. I had never been so close to anyone, much less sitting on top ... He removed his hand from the small of my back very slowly, automatically I felt a kind of emptiness. I got up, putting some distance between us, taking a quick look at the little one. He was still snoring peacefully.

"Just ten minutes ago." I looked at Mando again, frowning. "The boy has just fallen asleep. From your breathing I'd say you don't plan to wake up anytime soon. Maybe we can sleep for a few hours straight.

“That would be a novelty”

“And you say so. I think he'll be more comfortable downstairs and so will we. I need to get up from this seat for a while”

I smiled at him sincerely and took the little boy very careful not to wake him, he fit me perfectly in one arm. I placed it on the cushion of the ship's single bed, a place designed only for sleeping. Din Djarin had accommodated him for the baby before we met and had placed a rather large training mat on the floor in front of the door. A mat on which we took turns sleeping and watching. We had been wandering through enemy territory for the past few months, this was the first time we had not been in danger, so perhaps we could relax a bit. I closed the security hatch so that the child did not wake up with the least noise we could make and I turned.

Mando was already there, occupying one of the brass boxes that we used as seats and I think he was waiting for me. I sat across from him and unthinkingly planted my elbow on top of the other box we used as a table. He bowed his head, I would like to know if he ever smiled, I hoped yes, he was the most mysterious guy I had ever met in my life. I did, provocatively. He mimicked my movement by bringing his arm closer.

“Are you sure?”

“Are you afraid of losing, Mando?”

We put our hands together.

“I already told you that you don't have to call me that”

We close our fingers tight

"Does anyone else know your real name besides me?" He shook his head, surprising me a little.

“Not only you. I had never told anyone. Last chance”

I widened the smile, trying not to be distracted by his answer.

“I do not think to retire. Do you want to bet something?”

He shrugged slightly as I held on to my seat so as not to lose my balance when we started.

“There is nothing I want to bet against you, (Y/N). Maybe the cleaning of the ship ...” Was he kidding? It was the first time he had joked with me.

"Done, because I do want to bet something." He cocked his head to one side in a curious gesture. "A question." There is something I want to ask you for a long time, it is not personal, just curiosity, but I do not know if you will answer it, for the whole subject of the Creed of the Mandalorians.

“Cleaning against a response. Done. Ready?”

“Prepared”

And then we both press and push to the opposite side, our hands barely moving. I had been educated in combat since I was a child, my training was hard and yours was. We were practically on boards. And there we stay for the next few minutes. We had resistance capacity and we shared the stubbornness. I clenched my teeth.

“You are mine, Din Djarin.”

“Do you want to double the bet?" His voice sounded harsh, as if he was also clenching his teeth.

“I have enough with what I have.”

And then it happened, after a little bit of pressure, my hand twisted to the opposite side, I put up as much resistance as possible, but my arm ended up hitting the table. I released the air he had been holding and raised both hands in front of him in surrender, looking at him.

“I bow to the winner, but I warn you that there will be a rematch.”

“Anytime.”

I really hoped he was smiling under that pretty helmet. I leaned back a little.

"Well, what part do I have to clean?"

"Actually the dirtiest thing is the landing ramp and the drive wheels, that they run out of oil can be a problem"

"It seems fair to me."

I got up to fulfill the bet, but his hand on my wrist stopped me.

"I didn't say it has to be now, (Y/N). I am more curious"

I frowned, returning to my seat, really intrigued.

"Your question."

I raised an eyebrow, smiling slightly.

"But I lost the bet."

He reached up a gloved hand and brushed a lock of hair from my eyes, leaving me a little surprised. That ... it had been an extremely tender gesture, which he had not done until now and had just carried out as if nothing had happened.

"I would have answered your question anyway. With or without a bet, go ahead."

"Agree. You have told me a lot about Mandalorian culture and I find it fascinating, but there have been certain topics that you have never commented on ..."

He nodded, leaning a little closer to me.

"What do you want to know?"

"The Mandalorians not only care for orphans, but also for their own children, as you once said."

"So is."

"That means that the Mandalorians get married or ... at least they have relationships ..." I cleared my throat. "... intimate with other Mandalorians. Which logically implies that you remove your helmet in front of another person, is that the only case where that is allowed to happen?"

He tensed a little. I couldn't know him from his facial expressions, obviously, but from his physical postures. I don't know what he was expected to ask her but that probably won't. It took him a few long seconds to respond and when he did, his tone of voice had decreased, it was softer and more serious at the same time, my only clue to know his mood and that was unknown to me.

"Yes. It is the only case. Creed Mandalorians are paired for life, believe it or not, so only that other person can see their faces and perhaps their own children when they are very young, but it is not usual."

"How do they know?"

My curiosity about his culture was beginning to worry me, but I had told him practically everything about mine. She was in favor of reciprocal relationships.

"The what?"

"Well ... whether or not they can remove the helmet with that other person. Let's see, I am not saying that they are all like this, since you are the only Mandalorian I have ever met, but you do not seem a very open people with the subject of emotions. No offense. And also, it gives me that there has to be some ritual or special tradition to communicate to the other person that you are in love."

The breastplate of his chest rose as he took a deep breath.

"Yes, there is a ... traditional way." I didn't know if he was going to leave it there or if he would tell me everything, but the intrigue of his prolonged silence suddenly made me nervous. He was not at all prepared for her next words, even though his voice was firm and there was no doubt in it. "The way to tell that person that you are hopelessly in love with her, is to tell her your real name, the one you were born with."

The air stayed in my lungs. But ... that meant that ... He ... he was ...? I knew his real name, I was the only one who knew ...

"Din Djarin ..." I muttered more to myself than anything else, but of course he had listened to me

"Yes." My mind was a bustle of thoughts from here to there and everyone ended up in Command.

"When you told me the first time you seemed to be nervous and I didn't understand why ..." I wasn't able to take my eyes off the crack of his helmet.

"Never, in all my life, had this happened to me with anyone, (Y/N). In reality it is something unusual for Mandalorians, establishing this type of relationship is not common. That does not mean that my feelings are not clear."

I didn't know what the hell to say to that. I stood there, processing his words. He waited with infinite patience for me to react, what he felt was confusing and profound and he did not fully understand it. What he was clear about was that he doubted that he could maintain the connection that he had with him with any other person. So I got up, moved the armchair away from the middle with a movement of the foot and stood in front of him, raised his head to look at me from his height. I took a breath.

"My name is (Y/N) (S/N)." He nodded softly and I raised my hands to hold his helmet on both sides. Beskar was the coldest metal I had ever touched. I swallowed hard, tremendously nervous.

He nodded again. He knew this was a gigantic step, no one, no one else had seen his face since she was twelve years old. He had not revealed his face to a single living being, as his Creed dictated. And there I was, holding up that representative helmet so that I could look him in the eye. Retaining the air in my lungs, I removed it entirely and set it gently aside before looking at him. When I did, I bumped into an attractive dark-haired, brown-eyed man with a small goatee-shaped beard around his mouth. He was ... exotic, I couldn't think of another word to describe him, I hadn't met anyone with those traits

For the first time, as far as I knew, we looked each other directly in the eye. And something I had never felt in my whole life exploded in my chest. The connection that I had created in my mind was real, very real. Without being very aware of it, I stroked his cheek, feeling his skin against mine. He sighed against my palm, still watching me

"You have beautiful eyes, Din Djarin."

"Nothing comparable to your beauty."

Hearing him speak without the echo of the helmet was tremendously pleasant. Her voice was so much softer without him. His words were loaded with sincerity and affection. I leaned down, not sure how to do that, but decidedly I framed his face with both hands and slowly approached, closing the space that separated us. I had to get down on my knees to be able to keep up with him, our noses brushed, suddenly we shared the same air. His intense brown eyes looked decisively at my mouth, once again he brushed a few strands of hair and held them at the nape of my neck with his hand. And then he leaned in. Our mouths were just a few millimeters apart, the anticipation of that act was killing me ... We moved at once.

Our lips barely touched at first, I couldn't even remember the last time I had kissed a man, but that minimal contact was unmatched. His mouth moved against mine, intensifying the sensations a little, I had no idea if this was the first time he had kissed a woman, but if it was, he was not bad at all.

How could something so delicate be so fucking intense?

I kissed him back, our lips moving curiously, feeling and exploring. We ran out of air, but it didn't matter. I tangled my fingers in his hair, it was really straight and soft, he did the same on the nape of my neck, caressing my cheek with the other gloved hand. In the end we parted in a gasp, trying to breathe, face to face. We looked at each other and the intensity of those pretty brown eyes managed to melt me ​​inside. Without stopping to think about it, I approached him again, he replied passionately. This second kiss became a little more expert, more demanding, we let ourselves be carried away by it. I parted my lips, brushing hers with my tongue, getting an immediate response when our tongues met midway. At the time that happened I felt as if a lot of bombs had exploded in my stomach, pressing on my belly.

I clung to him, who, taking me by surprise, grabbed me by the hips making me straddle his legs. Still kissing me, he pulled his hands away from me for a second so he could remove his gloves, then brought them back to my back, hitting me. I bit his lower lip, tugging on it and in response he took control of my mouth, sighing in it with desire. I got as close as I could, realizing that our numerous layers of clothing were beginning to be a nuisance. So with some awkwardness, I reached for the clasps on his breastplate and playing along, Din Djarin began to untie the laces that held my corset.

We took off our superficial clothes while still kissing each other, both sides fell to the ground loudly since they were reinforced with metal plates. I ran my hands over his chest covered only by a shirt, realizing that that breastplate concealed a strong and worked body, Mandalorian training was effective for it I guess. I think everything we had been holding back for the last eight months exploded at once, especially when his fingers slipped under the fabric of my shirt, caressing my sides, slowly lifting the garment. My hands became fists on his shoulders. He cut our stifling kiss delicately, giving me a little respite. His thumbs brushed the sensitive skin on the bottom of my breasts ...

"may l?"

His voice was deep and tremendously sensual. I was wondering if I could get naked and I didn't want anything else at the moment. I nodded, biting the inside of my cheek and raising my arms to let him do it. He gently took it from me, throwing it into a minor place. He watched me, releasing the air I was holding. His eyes slowly rose to meet mine.

"You are the most beautiful creature I have ever seen, (Y/N)."

He leaned forward and placed a sweet kiss on my collarbone, just above my breasts. His hands returned to my skin, down my hips, caressing me. I shuddered in his arms. He had assumed it was his first time doing this, but now he was no longer so sure.

I sighed loudly when his lips found my left nipple and kissed it provocatively. It was an incredible feeling that made me shiver, the pressure in my lower abdomen increased and I wriggled on her legs. It was my turn, his shirt was a nuisance at the time. I yanked her up onto his back, Din Djarin did the work for me, pulling apart for a second to take it off, letting me see her fibrous body. I automatically ran my hands over his torso. He had some scars here and there, obtained in some combat without a doubt. But it was ... sexy. I think I had never thought that a man was sexy, at least not the ones I had known in my life until now. His hand reappeared on my cheek, pulling me toward him. We kissed and this time I leaned in close, sticking my half-naked body to his, sitting on top of his hips. I immediately felt what our closeness had awakened in him and I liked it, I liked it very much. His open palm wandered down my back, down to my ass. I groaned into his mouth as he squeezed gently.

Then Mando wrapped an arm around my waist and lifted us both effortlessly, taking us somewhere I couldn't see, I was too busy with the dance that kept our tongues. He knelt with me tangled in him, the soft blanket we put on the training mat contacted my back. He lay on top of me holding onto his hands so that I didn't have to support his weight. A primitive sound escaped from his throat when I made him descend a little more, with my legs on his hips, hitting our most sensitive areas. That sound sent a direct shock to my lower abdomen, drawing a deep sigh in response. Suddenly our hands were everywhere on each other's body, caressing and provoking in their wake. I left his lips, bringing my mouth to his neck, bit him carefully, Din Djarin groaned against my ear and was not far behind in our erotic game.

He moved forward, creating a delicious friction between our most intimate parts. Despite his pants and mine I felt like he had given me a real shock. It seems that we decided at the same time that they were hindering, since I brought my fingers to the closure of his just as he unbuttoned mine. He gave me a deep kiss before sitting up to take them off, getting rid of mine on the way. Now yes, we were completely naked facing each other. We stood there, looking deeply into each other's eyes, with a primitive desire written in them. He leaned towards me but I didn't allow him to descend again, I sat up, holding onto his shoulders and wrapping my legs around his hips, sitting on top of him. His right arm covered part of my back, holding me against him, his other hand caressed my cheek with infinite delicacy, while I put my arms around his neck.

"Are you sure?"

"More than anything else"

He nodded and kissed me as intimately as possible. I got down and he pushed. We whimpered in each other's mouths, Maker, it was too incredible a feeling to not carry it out more often. When Mando was inside me we remained immobile for a few seconds, just kissing each other, getting used to that deep union. So I wrapped my fingers around the nape of his neck and he squeezed my hips and we started to move.

At first the rhythm we set was slow, smooth and provocative, when the sensations began to take their toll on both of us, our calm dance turned into an almost wild dance. I put a hand on the mat to keep my balance and he ended up on his knees, holding us both. Our grunts and groans bounced off the walls of the ship, nothing else existed in the world, just us. I descended faster, meeting him halfway, desperately craving that deep friction. His mouth was everywhere, my jaw, my neck, my breasts ... I didn't know where he got the concentration to kiss me like that, when I was so lost in it, that I was hardly aware of anything else but us. I couldn't tell how long it had been, when a nice whirlpool began to form in my lower belly and I let him know by pressing closer against his hips. Apparently he was not far behind me.

He possessed my mouth as we both came amid a scream of pleasure. After that I dropped completely backwards, completely ecstatic. Din Djarin descended with me, holding himself on his elbows above me, I could feel his breathing as fast as mine. He bit down on my chin sweetly, demanding my attention. I kissed him and that kiss was an unwritten declaration of everything I felt for him, even of which I had not been aware until now. When he finished he hugged me, burying his face in my neck, his naked body on top of mine, completely relaxed, like I'd never seen him before. I ran my fingers through his hair in slow, loving circles.

When he raised his head to look at me, a pretty, wide smile framed his lips. I returned it without hesitation.

(masterlist)

[tawakkull]

ISLAM 101: Spirituality in Islam: Part 29

Rida (Resignation)

Rida (resignation) means showing no rancor or rebellion against misfortune, and accepting all manifestations of Destiny without complaint and even better peacefully. In other words, one should welcome all things and events, even those normally associated with distress and terror. Another beautiful definition of resignation is having or showing pleased acceptance of God’s treatment whether it seems agreeable or disagreeable to us. Even though believers must adopt resignation of their free will at the beginning of the spiritual journey, in reality it is a direct gift of God to those whom He loves. For this reason, unlike patience, neither God Almighty nor the Prophet, upon him be peace and blessings, commanded it; they only recommended it. Although there is a narration attributed to the Prophet Let him who does not endure misfortunes and show resignation to Divine decrees find another Lord for himself the scholars of Traditions did not accept it as an authentic Prophetic Tradition.

Some saints have considered resignation a higher station than reliance and surrender, while others have regarded it, like other states, as a Divine gift or radiance that sometimes appears and then disappears. Still others, like Imam Qushayri, have seen it as connected with or dependent upon the servant’s free will in the beginning, and as a state or condition of the heart in the end. The Tradition: One who is pleased with God as the Lord and Islam as the religion and Muhammad as the Prophet has tasted the delight of belief suggests that a person must exercise his or her free will to obtain resignation in the beginning, although it is a Divine gift in the end.

Being pleased with God’s Divinity means loving and paying due respect to Him, turning to Him in worship and for help, and expecting everything only from Him. Being pleased with His Lordship signifies that we welcome His decrees for us, raise no objection to any misfortune befalling us (no matter how severe), confide in Him only concerning His treatment of us, and are pleased with whatever He does. Being pleased with the Prophet, upon him be peace and blessings, denotes unconditional surrender to him, preferring his guidance and directions over our personal views, and using all of our faculties to understand not to criticize his actions and words and the Revelations he transmitted. As for being pleased with Islam, it requires, as declared in: He who seeks a religion other than Islam, it will not be accepted from him (3:85) accepting Islam as the ideal set of maxims and norms, and practicing them in one’s individual, familial, and social life.

In some circumstances, such a degree of resignation may cause one to feel or be left alone even when in a community. However, those who have acquired God’s nearness and follow the way of the Prophet, upon him be peace and blessings, do not feel such estrangement, and those who have a deep familiarity with God do not feel lonely. Rather, they feel God as nearer to themselves and overflow with greater love of and familiarity with Him when they are alone and pray to Him, saying: O God, cause me to remain alone more frequently and do not leave me to the unfairness of the things that will cause me to fall distant from You. Make me feel Your ever-present company with me.

As mentioned earlier, resignation is a Divine gift that can be acquired only by an individual’s conscious decision to exercise free will at the beginning of the journey. One can attain the rank of resignation through depth of belief, solemnity in religious actions, and profound consciousness of worshipping God as if seeing Him. To be favored with the rank of resignation, one also must transcend the ranks of reliance, surrender, and commitment. Since it is extremely difficult to attain the rank of resignation by free will, God Almighty did not order it; He only advised it and highly praised those who attained it.

If one sets out on the journey to attain the rank of resignation at the end, he or she must be solemn in his or her relations with the Lord; gratefully accept all bestowed (and unsought) Divine gifts as His blessings; remain silent about any deprivation; fulfill all religious obligations even in times of distress, loneliness, and hardship; and pray in the presence of God Almighty as if entering a bridal chamber. The most essential foundation of resignation is a continuous feeling of His company in one’s consciousness and experience, discovering Him afresh at every moment in one’s heart.

Fear and hope relate to one’s worldly life, for they render impossible all feelings of despair and security against God’s punishment while in this world. They have no relevance to the Hereafter, except for the reward they cause to be bestowed in the Hereafter. By contrast, being pleased with God and loving Him continue eternally, and resignation to His judgment and being pleased with Him is a source of spiritual peace and happiness in both worlds.

This does not mean that those who have obtained resignation and God’s pleasure or approval are free of anxiety, hardship, and suffering, for there remain many annoying and displeasing things along their way. However, champions of resignation regard them as pure mercies, for resignation or God’s pleasure changes the “poison” they drink into “elixir,” and the troubles they encounter cause them to fall even deeper in love with the Beloved.

The way of resignation, although difficult to follow, is safe and direct. It sometimes leads the wayfarer to the summit of human perfection after a single attempt. Just as a believer can reach that summit by strenuous effort in the way of God or by studying the universe (as if it were a book) in order to feel and find God everywhere (although He is contained in neither time nor place), the summit can also be reached through one’s inner suffering and sorrow arising from personal shortcomings and helplessness upon encountering difficulties while searching for a way to progress on the path.

Resignation results in a thrilling joy or a heavenly breeze from God’s being pleased with the believer that is proportional to the depth of one’s fear and hope. It does not come from feeling God’s nearness, worship and devotion, the struggle against sin and the temptations of one’s carnal self and Satan. Rather, it is a spiritual delight merged with hope and expectation, regulated by self-possession, a direct gift from Him, and a breath of mercy associated only with this station of being pleased with God. This station requires the self-regulation of one’s thoughts, considerations, plans, hopes, expectations, feelings, and actions according to God’s Will. Thus, seeing it as a way to experience pleasure and delight in the expectation of acquiring that pleasure and delight shows one’s disrespect of this station, which is based on the purity of one’s intention and sincerity. In reality, this applies to all other states and stations attained through actions of the heart, or which are themselves actions of the heart. One must love and pursue His approval or pleasure for His sake only.

Heroes of the spiritual life have expressed their views about resignation and being pleased with God since the early days of Sufism. According to Dhu al-Nun al-Misri, resignation means preferring God’s wishes over one’s own in advance, accepting His decree without complaint based on the realization that what-ever God wills and does is good, [1] and overflowing with love of Him even while in the grip of misfortune. ‘Ali Zayn al-'Abidin describes resignation as an initiate’s determination not to pursue anything opposed to God’s Will and pleasure.[2] According to Abu 'Uthman, resignation denotes welcoming with the same mood all Divine decrees and disposals, regardless of whether they issue from His Grace or His Majesty or Wrath, and having no conscious preference for one or the other. God’s Messenger referred to this when he said: I ask You for resignation after You have decreed something. [3] Being pleased in advance with God’s decree means being determined to show resignation, while resignation signifies enduring calamity when it occurs.

In short, resignation means that an initiate feels no resentment against or displeasure with whatever issues from God’s Divinity or Lordship. Rather, the initiate welcomes it gladly and is ready to accept or endure his or her fate without complaint. The initiate does not upset the balance of his or her heart. Rather, he or she preserves personal integrity and straightforwardness even when confronted with the most distressing and shocking events, considers God’s predestination recorded in the Supreme Preserved Tablet, and thus feels no regret or sorrow for what happens.

For ordinary people, resignation means not objecting to what God has willed for them. For those with a deeper spiritual knowledge of God, resignation means welcoming their individual destinies. For those who live a life of profound spirituality, resignation means that, without paying attention to their own considerations, they are always attentive to what He wants them to do and how He wants them to be. The verses: O soul at rest, return to your Lord, well pleasing and pleased. Enter among My servants, and enter My Paradise. (89:27-30) encompass all degrees of resignation, and contain responses to the desires of those resigned to the Divine Will and Destiny.

As seen in these same verses, attaining the station of resignation and pleasing God and being pleased with Him depend upon one’s turning to God Almighty. This means complete devotion to, reliance upon, and surrender to Him and committing all affairs to Him. One who has attained this station longs for death and meeting with God, dies with a heart at rest, and is included among the righteous in Paradise.

From another perspective, ordinary people show their resignation by ordering their lives according to God’s commandments in willing submission to His Lordship and administrative authority. This is expressed in the verses: Say: Shall I seek another than God for Lord, when He is Lord of all things? (6:165), and: Say: Shall I choose for a protecting friend other than God, the Originator of the heavens and the earth, Who feeds and Himself is not fed? (6:14) Such a degree of resignation is essential to whoever aspires to true belief in God’s Unity and true love of God. Every believer must consciously submit himself or herself to God’s guidance; associate no partners with Him in belief and in ordering one’s life; love Him alone as the Lord, Deity, and Ruler of humanity and the universe; and love others who are worthy to be loved only in His name and in accordance with the limits He has established.

The second degree of resignation that of those with a certain degree of knowledge of God, is manifested in their welcoming God’s decrees and ordinances without objection. It is also seen in the control they have acquired over their hearts, a control so strong that their hearts do not swerve even for one moment. Such resignation is regarded as the relation between God and those hearts furnished with knowledge of Him.

The third degree of resignation is attained by those purified, saintly scholars who are pleased with what pleases God. One who has been rewarded with such resignation feels no personal anger, joy, or grief. Such a person, no longer feeling, thinking, or desiring for himself or herself, experiences the pleasure of annihilation in the Lord, for only His Will and choices remain.

[1] Al-Qushayri, Al-Risala, 195. [2] Ibid., 195. [3] Al-Nasa'i, “Sahw,” 62; Ibn Hanbal, Musnad, 5:191.

The first degree of resignation, obligatory upon every believer, is the beginning of the way leading to nearness to God, for it is related to free will and a requirement of belief in His Unity. The second degree must be acquired, both because it is the continuation of the first and the basis of the third degree, and because it leads one to consider nearness to God.

The third degree, a Divine gift rather than a station attainable by free will and individual effort, is neither obligatory nor necessary. However, it is commendable to desire it whole-heartedly. This degree encompasses the first two, for aspiring after (full) resignation and living so as to attain it is an essential principle of Islamic life. However, its full attainment is a gift bestowed in return for this aspiration. In other words, the first two degrees relate to God’s Names and Attributes, which can be attained by journeying in their shadow or their guidance, while the third is connected with the reward, enlightenment, or radiance given in return for them.

The verse: Their reward is with their Lord; Gardens of Eden, beneath which rivers flow; where they will dwell forever. God is well pleased with them and they are well pleased with Him. That is for him who fears his Lord reverently (98:8) points to all of these degrees. This same truth was expressed by our master, upon him be peace and blessings, who said: One who is well pleased with God as Lord, with Islam as religion, and with Muhammad, upon him be peace and blessings, as Messenger has tasted the pleasure of faith.

I hope that the following considerations will direct the feelings and thoughts of those who desire to attain resignation, help them to overcome the difficulties encountered on this path, and to control and resist their worldly and carnal impulses.

- Human beings are only role players in the Divine drama played out on the stage of this world. Therefore, they have no right or authority to interfere with the quality or form of their assigned part. Whatever happens to an individual has been predetermined by God, Who considered his or her free will, actions, and thoughts in this world. Only God can change this.

- If one really loves God, whatever comes from Him must be welcomed. It is very difficult to perceive the wisdom and good or God’s purpose in some events. Sometimes what is good for us is hidden in bad happenings: It may be that you dislike a thing although it is good for you, and love a thing although it is bad for you. God knows, but you know not (2:216).

- A Muslim is one who has fully submitted to God. Thus, such an individual cannot be displeased with God’s actions and operations. A believer has a good opinion of everybody else, so how can he or she be suspicious of God? The Qur'an forbids us to suspect other people (48:12); how much worse it would be if we suspected God and His acts! Since all things and events were preordained and created by God, and since whatever He creates is either good in itself or on account of its result, a Muslim should keep his or her heart at rest and always be optimistic.

- If our obligations or responsibilities, as well as the misfortunes and difficulties we endure or seek to overcome, have an essential place in our training and education to prepare us for the eternal life of happiness in the Hereafter, then we should fulfill them or endure them willingly. An individual’s resignation to or being pleased with whatever comes from Him means that He is also pleased with that particular individual. Being displeased with the acts and manifestations of Divine Lordship causes distress, grief, and restlessness, while living as resigned to God’s decrees gives relief and exhilaration, even though one has to suffer great difficulties. In short, the continuous pursuit of resignation is an invitation to Divine succor.

- Resignation to Destiny and the manifestations of God, the Truth, is a very important means of obtaining happiness. The truthful and confirmed one, upon him be peace and blessings, illuminates this: It is fortunate for man to show resignation to what God decrees, while it is unfortunate for him to feel indignation against what God decrees. [4] Being resigned to God’s decrees and operations fills one’s heart with breezes from the Divine Realm, while displeasure with them fills it with whims and suspicions coming from Satan. Those who resign themselves to His decrees make their lives into an “embroidery” of golden threads of thankfulness, while those who are displeased with them grind even their most positive works into nothing between the millstones of ingratitude. Showing such displeasure, an all-to-common attitude on the part of many, is one of Satan’s most effective ways of invading one’s soul.

- A believer may join the inhabitants of the heavens by welcoming God’s treatment, which is an honor bestowed by God. One who is pleased with God is following the right guidance, while one who is not pleased follows nothing more than personal fancies. Resignation to God’s judgments or decrees means preferring His wishes to our own. It hardly needs saying what the opposite attitude implies.

- Resignation is like an orchard whose trees yield the fruits of worship and devotion; sins and offenses are the results of being deprived of it. Resignation prevents personal conflicts with God in the believer’s inner world, and means respecting the principle expressed in the supplication of the Prophet, upon him be peace and blessings: It is pure justice in whatever way You judge about me. The first sin was committed when Satan did not resign himself to what God had decreed for him. [5]

- One can have no greater reward or higher rank than God’s being pleased with him or her, which is only attainable by personal resignation to what He has decreed. This is also the greatest reward that one can receive in Paradise: God has promised the believers, men and women, Gardens beneath which rivers flow, to dwell therein forever, and beautiful mansions in Gardens of Eden. But God’s good pleasure [His being pleased with them] is greater still. That is the supreme triumph (9:72).

- Resignation is based on the most important essential of religion: reliance upon God. Its essential quality can be perceived by means of certainty about God’s existence and Unity. It is embedded in love of God, and causes one to gain eternal happiness. It is rooted in loyalty to God and truthfulness, and denotes actual thankfulness. Resignation is such a magical lift that those who obtain it will reach their destination quickly. Love and sincerity, as well as penitence and contrition, are flowers growing in the climate of resignation. It is useless to search for such virtues or qualities in hearts that are not set on resignation and obtaining God’s pleasure.

- However numerous those rewards given in return for acting and speaking to attain God’s pleasure may be, they can be counted and are therefore limited. The rewards given for such actions as resignation, which is done with the heart, are proportional to the heart’s depth and so cannot be estimated.

As the greatest rank in God’s sight, resignation or God’s pleasure is a final target that has been sought by the greatest members of humanity, from the glory of creation, upon him be peace and blessings, to all other Prophets, saints, and purified scholars who have passed the final test through sincerity, certainty, reliance, surrender, and confidence. They have surmounted many difficulties and obstacles, and bore many unendurable sufferings and pains. The following verses seek to describe the sighs of such people:

The suffering You cause is more pleasing than having fortune, And Your vengeance is lovelier to me than my own soul. I am in love with both His torment and His favor; How strange it is that I am in love with things opposite to each other. By God, if I go from this thorn of affliction to the garden of delight, I will be one who, like a nightingale, always groans or sighs. How strange it is that when a nightingale starts to sing, It sings melodies of both the thorn and the rose.

The following verses of Nasimi are also beautiful:

I am a suffering lover, O dear One, I will not abandon You; Even if You cut through my chest with a dagger, I will not abandon You. Even if they cut me into two from head to foot like Zachariah, Put your saw on my head, O Carpenter, I will not abandon You. Even if they burn me into ashes and blow away my ashes, They will hear my ashes sigh: O Veiler (of sins), I will not abandon You.

The rank or station of resignation, of being pleased with God and obtaining His pleasure includes all other ranks. The melodies sung in it are: Whatever You do to me or however You treat me, it is good.

O God! Guide us to what You will love and be pleased with, and bestow peace and blessings upon our Master and the Master of the Messengers.

[4] Al-Tirmidhi, “Qadar,” 15; Ibn Hanbal, Musnad, 1:168. [5] Ibn Hanbal, Musnad, 1:391, 452.

[crazybagelbitch]

👀 shouldn’t have answered you know what’s coming now. Josie universe. The awkward moment chimneys ex wife shows up for her daughter.

Chimney isn’t surprise when there’s a loud knock on his door, he’s only surprised that it took two and half whole days. 

Qualms that he does have Maria, he knows she loves her daughter. She had her at the same age Josie is now and fought for her to have a good life. So as many emotions as he’s feeling now, he knows he at least needs to try and meet her halfway, as much he wants to tell her nope, Josie is my child until you leave your husband. He cannot keep Josephine from her legally, he knows this, so he knows he needs to suck it up and let the tearful, anxious teenage girl sitting on the couch behind him go with her.

It just sucks.

The one silver lining is that Maddie is at work right now, so she can’t try and barricade Josie in the apartment. Maddie’s huge heart is one of the many things he loves about her, but sometimes she lets it completely overcloud all logic, especially when that logic is miserable.

“Hi, Maria,” he says awkwardly, a nervous smirk on his face, “I’m guessing you’re here for Josie?”

“Of course I’m here for my daughter.”

“I didn’t mean that I think you wouldn’t be,” he shakes his head, hands up in surrender, “and for what it’s worth, everything I said to you on the phone was true. I didn’t know that she was coming, and what was I supposed to do? Kick her out?”

“No, you were supposed to drive her back to my house. Where she lives. With her parents.”

“He’s not my dad!” Josie can’t help but shout, tears streaming down her cheeks and Chimney knows she has every right to have that sentiment and feel those feelings, but his hopes of this going down drama free are now looking like naïve daydreams.

“Josephine,” Maria says with a huff, crossing her arms in front of her chest and scowling in a way that he has not forgotten, even though he hasn’t seen her in years, “I am your mother. And fine. Fred is your stepfather, not your father, but he might as well be given you’re real father left the moment he found out I was pregnant.”

“Maria,” Chimney sighs, trying to calm the situation down though it’s probably hopeless, “I understand why you’re upset with me and Josie, I do. But I couldn’t just turn her away when she’s scared about how things are at home.”

“Scared? She’s just rebelling because she’s a teenage girl whose mother just got married last year.”

“He throws things, mom!” Josephine shouts, “it’s scary! How long until he throws something at one of us?”

“That’s not... he gets a little carried away sometimes, but you’re dramatizing it.”

“I don’t think she is,” Chimney says before he can stop himself, protectiveness taking over his common sense telling him to why argue, because he has to give her over anyway?

“You’re not there.”

“No, I’m not,” he concedes, “but Josie seems genuinely scared when she talks about him, and from my many years as a paramedic, I’ve learned that when someone says they’re abused, believe them.”

“Abused? Abused?” Maria scoffs, throwing her hands up as if he she’s absolutely confounded with him using that word.

He struggles to retain some calm, because after everything with Maddie and experience treating the (physical) injuries of victims of domestic violence, he knows it’s not as easy as telling her to just leave, or that she doesn’t love her daughter because she married this man. He knows it’s not that simple, he does, but it’s hard to stick to his vow of trying not judge Maria when all he wants to do is keep Josephine safe.

He hadn’t seen her in six years but as soon as she was right in front of him, he felt like her stepfather all over again. Parental love never just goes away, right?

“He threw a vase in the wall when I told you guys I think I might be a lesbian, mommy,” Josie whimpers, and oh, now Chimney can feel the rage starting to take over because he didn’t even know about that until just now.

“He just needed sometime to--”

“Look, I know it’s not as simple as just leave, really, I do, and I’m not judging you for marrying this guy. But your first job as a parent is unconditional love and acceptance and if your new husband can’t do that? He shouldn’t be anywhere near Josephine.”

“You’re not her parent. You have no right to--”

“I know, I know!” he shouts, despite his best efforts, “I know I have no legal rights here and I have to let her walk out this door and get into your car as much as I don’t want to. I know. I can’t keep her from you. I have no right but you know I love Josie and have had always had her best interests at heart.”

“You haven’t seen her in six years.”

“Not by choice,” he spits, and this isn’t how he wanted to handle this but he can’t help it, the thought of Josie in the house with that man makes him want to scream or cry or throw up, possibly all three.

“And you have no choice here now. Josephine? Let’s go.”

“But I don’t--”

“I don’t care what you want. You either go with me by choice, or you’re technically a runaway child so I can have the police bring you to me. Your decision which. One sounds far more painless, doesn’t it?”

“Howie,” Josie whimpers, shakily getting up from her seat and throwing her arms around him, “d-don’t wanna go. Am gonna m-miss you.”

“I’m going to miss you, too, Josie-Girl,” he whispers, trying not to burst into tears until she’s gone, “you have my phone number. Call me anytime.”

“Now, Josephine.”

“O-Okay,” she sniffles, a look on her face that makes Chimney feel sicker than he already does.

“Maria,” he blurts out, eyes shut tight, “listen, I know we don’t exactly like each other right now but if you ever need help getting out and leaving him, you can--”

“Go to hell, Howard,” she says with a roll of the eyes, and then the door is slammed shut.

And her and Josie are gone.

[enthusiasticsobrietyabuse]

Originally Posted OnTheEmmis.com - 2005 Meehan Survivor Website / Discussion Forum. (ICECAP used to be the “board” of enthusiastic sobriety programs - it has since dissolved due to OnTheEmmis)

Put very simply, this is how your child is most likely responding to ICECAP's idea of 'unconditional love':

When I was 17, I had absolutely no desire to quit getting high.

My parents discovered Meehan and his ways, and so I was confronted with the ultimatum that we are all familiar with: Go to ICECAP or hit the road.

Well, I certainly was NOT going to be eating out of trash cans and scrounging up tree branches for warmth. I was a typical ICECAP kid; from a middle class family and hardly beyond experimenting with drugs.

So, as a teenager in full-rebellion mode, I found myself cornered, coerced, actually forced to submit to the ICECAP program, or face the brutal alternative.

Blackmail sucks, and rarely benefits anyone in the end.

So, what I did is I pretended to subscribe to the WHOLE ICECAP thing.

Except it wasn't really working. I still wanted to get high. I fumbled in my attempts to do so, not being able to account for my whereabouts at times, continuing to be a jerk, still wearing all black and listening to very questionable music.

So I got caught with some pot, just as ICECAP counselors had predicted would happen if I didn't get outpatient.

Again, I was given an ultimatum: OP or starvation.

So I went to outpatient, which believe it or not was the ultimate answer to my dilemma.

In outpatient, I was taught a little thing called the 'parent game', which by one name or another is to this day taught in ICECAP treatment. No other lesson or way of thinking is given more time or energy within ICECAP treatment than 'The Parent Game'.

The Parent Game involves teens being taught how to please their parents. They are told that sitting down for dinner, cleaning your room, saying 'I love you', and going to ICECAP religiously are things worth the unlimited freedom your parents would be willing to offer if you just did them.

So I tried out these new lessons. Sure enough, my OP counselor was right! I said 'I love you', smiled a lot, sat down at the table for dinner, gave out hugs and wore 'ICECAP' attire (not so much all the black, but a cheesy 'love round robin '93 t-shirt and blue jeans). As a result I was given unlimited freedom. My parents bought me cigarettes and gave me cash for the functions. They reported to my OP counselor and were very pleased with the fabulous results ICECAP was having with me. I was a new kid. I had been saved!

In more ways then one, actually. You see, no matter what ultimatum my parents could have proposed, I wanted to get loaded. I loved smokin' dope. It was always a very hard thing to do...until I got into OP.

My OP counselor, like just about all ICECAP OP counselors, was a caring, loving guy who was cool and funny and nice and neat and liked cool music and had long hair someone who didn't know the first thing about a kid getting high all the time.

What OP had accomplished for me was the perfect route to get high virtually unhindered, and that's precisely what I did.

My parents, on the direction of ICECAP staff (oh, so competent!) left me almost ENTIRELY alone. They 'trusted', did not 'get into my shit' and 'let me be a dope fiend kid'.

Add to that I no longer had to go to school, get a job, or do anything except go for four hours a day to OP and throw McDonald's french fries at Kata 6.

It was a pot head's dream come true.

I went through OP, the group, and spent just about a year on steering committee...all the time smoking pot whenever the hell I could, which was just about whenever the hell I wanted to.

When the truth came out (I eventually copped), my father simply stated, "If he has been getting high this whole year, if that is true, them I will personally buy him his dope".

Of course he didn't really mean that, though it would have been nice, the point is that while ICECAP did nothing in regards to getting me clean, they did wonders in teaching me how to fool my parents.

Many kids aren't such coniving little full of shit pricks like I was. Many kids, like yours, perhaps, are not going to fake it. It takes a lot of energy, and besides, most teens have a lot more integrity than I did.

Chances are your kid, if they are determined to get high (or: in actual need of a little help, such as I was) if presented with ICECAP's ultimatum are going to tell you to shove your ultimatum up your ass, and split. ICECAP will work tirelessly to convince you to assist voluntarily in the starvation, exposure, and eventual death of your own kid.

"Well, I would never..." You might say now...but ICECAP uses some great, very convincing, though false, rhetoric such as bold, self-riteous sounding phrases like 'unconditional love' and 'love is not accepting wrong behavior'...

Well I have news for you parents...love is ALSO not abandoning every responsibility you owe to your child as a parent, and leaving the job to an insane weirdo like Mike fucking Weiland, who is I GUARANTEE better at explaining to your kid why it is your kids fault Mike was late for their appointment than having a shred of a clue on how to professionally, competently assist your child in dealing with his/her problems, the least of which (most likely) is their drug use.

You think my story is isolated? Ask Jessica Cramsey how long she was on SC before she copped to have been getting loaded the whole time.

Ask the guy who I was on SC with the whole time, and getting high with the whole time, how 'isolated' my story is.

The truth is, in ICECAP, you as a parent HAVE NO IDEA whether or not your kid is sober or blowing old men for crack on weekdays.

The reason you HAVE NO IDEA is because one, your kid is conning you whether he/she is getting high or not, and two, because ICECAP completely hijacks your job as a parent.

AHHH. The cult think is breaking through now...telling you how wrong I am...telling you that I am just a bitter ex-counselor, probably getting high, not MY kid, I would know if MY kid...really? How would you know? Honestly, tell me, how would you know?

I guarantee that you do not. You have freely offered you natural role, that of a PARENT, to an unlicensed amateur. You have surrendered your instincts ('lack of trust') your experience ('your best thinking got you here') and your love for your child ('unconditional love') into the hands of one Robert G. Meehan. A self-proclaimed murderer with a dead son.

[duhragonball]

[FIC] Luffa: The Legendary Super Saiyan (136/?)

Disclaimer: This story features characters and concepts based on Dragon Ball, which is a trademark of Bird Studio/Shueisha and Toei Animation.   This is an unauthorized work, and no profit is being made on this work by me. This story is copyright of me. Download if you like, but please don’t archive it without my permission. Don’t be shy.

Continuity Note: About 1000 years before the events of Dragon Ball Z.

[14 November, 233 Before Age. Nagaoka.]

Moments ago, Rehval III Trismegistus, King of the Saiyans, had declared victory. Large swaths of the galaxy didn't know it yet, to say nothing of the rest of the universe, but his victory was absolute nonetheless. In a telepathic address to Luffa's allied fleet, he announced that their attack on his planet would be futile, and he demanded their unconditional surrender.

Luffa didn't understand Rehval's power completely, but she had learned enough to get the basic idea of it. Even a middling Saiyan had enough fighting power to destroy a planetary body. As the Super Saiyan, Luffa had assumed she could annihilate Nagaoka with ease, wiping out Rehval's Jindan cult in a single stroke. But the planet had resisted her, like a mighty warrior blocking an offensive technique. It was like the planet was a living thing, and according to Rehval, it now was. He had merged his life essence with Nagaoka. The way he explained it, planets possessed a tremendous energy of their own, but they lacked the consciousness to wield it like a Saiyan. Now, he controlled Nagaoka like an extension of his own body. As long as he remained on the planet, both would be indestructible.

If that were all it was, then Luffa might have been tempted to leave him trapped on the prison he had built for himself. But Rehval had other abilities. His followers had traveled to other planets, seeding them with an alchemical potion of his own creation. Once activated, the elixir gave Rehval partial control over the mass of those planets as well. He could mold a large chunk of earth into a monstrous figure, one powerful enough to destroy the planets' inhabitants. Luffa had fought these "rock-Rehvals" before, but she had no idea that he could operate so many of them simultaneously, and now there were hundreds of them scattered across the galaxy, each one holding a different planet hostage.

The only way to stop them all was to destroy the man who controlled them, but Luffa had just tried that and failed. She had fired a ki blast down to Nagaoka's surface, only for the energy to be absorbed and then fired back in multiple directions. Rehval claimed he had gained that ability by studying genetic samples from Luffa's wife. Zatte could do similar tricks with ki, but on a much smaller scale. Each of Zatte's people were born with a unique power. The idea of Rehval simply duplicating it for himself was galling, even after everything else he had done.

Rehval claimed that everything he had done was for the good of the Saiyan species, but Luffa knew the truth: He was a small, petty man, frustrated with his own lack of importance. He couldn't stand the idea that Saiyan history would carry on without him, and so he had turned to alchemy and treachery to cheat his fate. He had promised his followers greater power, but his Jindan potion only bound them to his cause, just as he had bound himself to Nagaoka. Now, he demanded that every Saiyan in the universe join his cult, so that he could fulfill his mad dream of converting their once-proud race into nothing but a hive, interdependent upon their immortal king.

What sickened Luffa the most was how eager her fellow Saiyans were to accept this. Guwar had defected from the Jindan Cult when he realized how depraved it really was. It was Guwar who revealed the location of Nagaoka to Luffa, so that she could destroy it and save the Saiyan people. But at the first sign of adversity, he resigned himself to returning to Rehval on bended knee. Luffa left Guwar's dead body in the cargo bay of her ship.

As she made her way back to the bridge, she could send the ki of the crews of her fleet. All around her, the allied fleet seemed to struggle with what had just happened. They had surrounded the planet to ensure that no one could escape. Now, they began to break formation. The Federation ships moved away from the planet, perhaps fearing an attack, while the Saiyan Free Company seemed to fall apart completely. A handful of ships descended into the atmosphere, their crews apparently not willing to wait for their leaders to make up their minds. One of them broke orbit, only for another SFC ship to open fire on it. The commanders were probably trying to contact Luffa for further instructions. She wasn't sure what to tell them.

Stepping out of the lift onto the bridge, she found Zatte rocking back and forth in the pilot's chair, her hands clutching at the red hair on either side of her scalp. Once she noticed Luffa, Zatte looked up at her with dread. "This is all my fault," she said, her voice trembling with remorse. "Luffa, I'm so sorry..."

For a moment, Luffa worried that Zatte had been hurt somehow, but there was no sign of an injury. Luffa almost wished there had been. It would be far easier to treat a physical wound. She put one arm around Zatte, then leaned over her to reach the computer terminal. There was no time to comfort her now, not while the fleet was still in a combat zone. Satisfied with the ship's status readouts, Luffa opened a channel with the Saiyan Free Company's flagship.

"Get control of your people, Princess," Luffa said as Seltiss' image appeared on the viewscreen. "I see SFC ships trying to land on the planet, fighting each other..."

"We're going to surrender," Seltiss said.

"What?!" Luffa shouted.

"You heard what my father said," Seltiss replied. Luffa could tell that Seltiss was upset. The teenage Saiyan was doing her best to hide it, but it wasn't enough. They had all come to this planet expecting to take Rehval completely by surprise, and he had turned the tables on them all.

"I don't give a damn what he said," Luffa growled. "We came here to kill your father. It's just going to take longer than we thought, that's all."

"He took your best shot and bounced it back at us," Seltiss said. "It's over, Luffa! He's too strong for you. For... any of us. All we can do now... is admit defeat."

"You fool!" Luffa shouted. "He doesn't give a damn about any of you! He just wants you to take that potion of his, and then you'll under his thumb forever!"

"And how is that any different from what you wanted?" Suddenly Xibuyas stepped into view and stood beside Seltiss. He was Luffa's son, though Rehval had acquired the boy and somehow matured him to an age of sixteen. Another piece of the family that Rehval had stolen from her.

"Katem, listen to me," Luffa began, even though she knew he wouldn't. She wanted so badly to believe that he belonged to her, at least in some small way. She wanted him to see her with something other than hate and envy, but it was hopeless.

"Listen to you? Or what?" Xibuyas demanded. "You'll attack us? Kill us? We only joined forces with you because of your power, and now it looks like Rehval has beaten you at your own game! It's not the way I wanted this to end, but at least you've been exposed as the fraud you are! As if any mere woman could be a 'Super Saiyan'."

"You're wrong," Zatte mumbled to herself, so quietly that only Luffa could hear. "It's not her fault. It's mine..."

"That's enough, Xibuyas," Seltiss said before he could say any more. "Luffa, I'm sorry it turned out like this, but he's right. You didn't mind bossing everyone around when you were the one on top. I have to do what's right for my people. If we don't surrender to him now, he'll just hunt us down later and destroy us. There's nothing else we can do."

Luffa said nothing. She just stared at them in disbelief. After a few seconds, Seltiss closed the channel.

"It's because of me," Zatte said. "Luffa, I never meant for this--"

"It's not you're fault," Luffa insisted. "He got ahold of a sample of your DNA, and he studied it until he found a way to replicate your powers. It's not like you gave it to him."

"He never would have known about me if I hadn't been with you!" Zatte protested. "I was so stupid. I could have just died on Dorlu Prime when the Tikosi invaded, or you could have killed me on the Makyo Star... Then he never would have been able to stop you--!"

"That's enough!" Luffa said. She pulled Zatte up by her shoulders and lifted her out of her chair. "You're a survivalist, aren't you? I need you to focus. He can manipulate energy the same way you can, and he's got a whole planet powering him, but that doesn't make him unstoppable! We can still come up with something, we just need to regroup!"

Before Zatte could say anything, Luffa noticed a flashing light on the console, indicating a priority transmission. With an irritated grunt, she lowered Zatte to the deck, then turned to answer the call.

"Booth," Luffa said when she saw the man on the viewscreen. They had left him and a reserve force at the Gelbo System, halfway between Nagaoka and Federation space. Like Seltiss, he appeared to be troubled, but determined not to show it.

"Luffa," Booth said. "I'm surprised to see you're still alive. I suppose this proves what Rehval said earlier. He really doesn't see you as a threat."

"Don't tell me his telepathy reached you all the way on Gelbo," Luffa said.

"Telepathy?" Booth asked with surprise. "No, I was contacted by Prester Ganzut back home. One of Rehval's rock monsters appeared there, and informed him what was happening on Nagaoka."

"Good, then it saves me the trouble of briefing you," Luffa said. "We need to regroup and link up with your forces so we can plan a new attack. The Saiyan Free Company has switched sides, and--"

Booth knit his brow before he spoke. "Luffa, there isn't going to be a new attack. Not while Rehval is holding Federation planets hostage."

"I can destroy those rock creatures in a few minutes!" Luffa protested.

"Yes, I know," Booth said. "But it would take you two weeks to get back from Nagaoka, and Rehval has promised to destroy Despye before you even get close enough to save it."

"Then I'll defeat him on Nagaoka, and solve the problem from this end!" Luffa insisted.

"And how will you do that?" Booth asked. "If you had the power to destroy his planet, you would have already done it. What else does that leave? A surface attack? Our troops wouldn't last an hour against a hundred Saiyans, and I'm guessing he has a lot more than that waiting down there. Not to mention the entire Saiyan Free Company has joined him, so we'd need to fight them as well. Just what exactly were you planning to do, Luffa? Besides getting yourself killed?"

"What I won't do, Marshall," Luffa snarled, "is bow my head and beg for mercy like a sniveling coward."

Booth sighed. "Right, your honor. I had forgotten what we were really fighting for out here. Somehow I got it in my head that we were trying to protect the lives of Federation citizens. Thank you for reminding me."

"Don't hand me that, you pompous little despot!" Luffa shouted. "You never gave a damn about anyone! All you ever fought for was a chance to seize more power for yourself! Well how many planets can you rule with Rehval lording over you for the rest of your life?"

"More worlds than I'll rule as a corpse, I should think," Booth said quietly. "At least this way, I'll live long enough to find out. I've already contacted the rest of your fleet, Luffa. I'm recalling them to Gelbo, and then we return to Federation space to await Rehval's orders. You're welcome to return along with them, but I had a feeling you wouldn't leave Nagaoka quietly. What happens next is up to you. It was an honor serving under you, Madam Federatrix. Have a splendid death."

He cut off the transmission, just as Luffa was drawing a deep breath to continue shouting at him. The viewscreen returned to its default display, which showed the planet Nagaoka below them. Whatever harsh, defiant words she had in mind never materialized. There was nothing to say, and no one to hear.

Then she felt a slight shudder in the deckplate beneath her feet. The ship had begun to move. Luffa glanced over at the pilot station and saw that Zatte had entered a new course.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm taking the ship out of orbit," Zatte said. She made a pathetic sniffle, then looked back at Luffa and offered a slight smile. "Not to retreat, of course. I just don't want anyone shooting at the ship while you figure out your next move."

But there was no next move, and Luffa knew it. What infuriated her most about Marshall Booth's words was that they made a lot of sense. The only way to beat Rehval was to fight him in the heart of his stronghold, and there wasn't enough power to make that work. Even if Seltiss and the Federation had stayed with her, the odds seemed impossible.

"Sorry for how I cracked up back there," Zatte said meekly.

"Don't be," Luffa said. "Right now you're all I've got left."

"I want you to know," Zatte told her. "Whatever you decide, I'm with you all the way. You can still save them, Luffa. I know you can do it."

She was referring to the Saiyans. Zatte was convinced that Luffa could redeem the Saiyan people from Rehval's control. She wanted Luffa to be accepted by her own kind, and this had fit in neatly with Zatte's other beliefs: that Luffa would change the universe for the better, that Luffa was destined to achieve some great thing, that Zatte was destined to support that holy mission at all costs. But now, Luffa was beginning to think none of those things would come true.

The realization was painful, but it finally lifted the mental block that had kept Luffa from deciding what to do next. There would be nowhere to run, and her pride refused to surrender, so her only choice was to go on fighting, even if there was no realistic chance of winning. Even if that meant disappointing the one woman in the universe who still believed in her. It was a grim admission to make, but with each moment, Luffa felt that it was the only option that made sense.

"I want you to take the ship out of the system," Luffa said to her. She kept staring at the viewscreen as she spoke. "Not too far, but make the jump to superluminous speed, so they'll think we've left."

"Okay," Zatte said. There was a glimmer of hope in her voice. As the ship moved away, Luffa switched the monitor to display the view from the stern of the star-yacht. Nagaoka quickly receded, and when Zatte activated the faster-than-light engines, the entire system quickly shrank into an unusually bright point of light among the stars. Luffa never took her eyes off of it.

"That... that should be far enough," Zatte said after several minutes. "Now what?"

"Set a course for some friendly planet," Luffa said. "It doesn't matter where, but outside of Federation territory. We can't trust them anymore."

You've got it," Zatte said. "But... what do we do when we get there?"

"I'll drop you off," Luffa said. "Then I'm coming back to Nagaoka to finish things. One way or another."

"What?!" Zatte shouted. She leaped up from her seat and grabbed Luffa by the shoulders. "Luffa that's insane. You'd be trapped there. Even if you made it to the surface, what would you do when you got there?"

"There's only one thing left to do," Luffa said. "They have to die. All of them."

"Luffa, no--"

"All of them," Luffa said. "Every last Saiyan. The whole stinking species. It ends here. The lies, the treachery, the cowardice. I'm going to kill them all."

She was trembling with rage. She hadn't noticed it until Zatte put her hands on her arms, but now there was no mistaking it. For Luffa, it only confirmed that this was the right decision.

"Luffa, please, stop and think about what you're saying! How many Saiyans are down on that one planet right now? If they all die, will there be enough left to keep the population going? You'd be driving your own people to extinction!"

Luffa finally looked away from the viewscreen and stared into Zatte's eye. "You know I'm right!" she shouted. "You've seen what Saiyans are capable of. You've seen the depths they'll stoop to. Rehval doesn't care how many people he has to kill to get what he wants. And the rest of them don't care what happens as long as they get to be on the winning team. Nothing matters to them, Zattie!"

She pulled away from Zatte's arms and began to pace angrily around the bridge. "Dammit to hell, nothing matters to them at all! It's all a lie! It's all been lies!"

Zatte rushed to her side and put her arm around Luffa to console her. She tried to speak, to say something comforting, but she couldn't find the words. There were no words. Luffa knew it, and perhaps Zatte was beginning to realize it too.

"Saiyan pride," Luffa said between short, angry breaths. "It's worthless. They'll abandon everything they have just to get a little glory. Freedom doesn't matter to them. Honor is nothing. Rehval's turning them all into... into livestock, and they don't even care."

"You're not like them," Zatte said. "Please, listen to me. I'm begging you. Whatever happens, it doesn't change what you are. You're my wife and I love you."

"I love you too," Luffa said. "But you know I'm exactly like them. I've let you down before. I've betrayed you. I've been more interested in puffing up my ego than in things that really matter. I've just gotten more self-conscious about it, that's all."

"Luffa, no..."

"They have to die," Luffa said. "My species is a cancer on the whole universe. I see that now. This is what I was born to do. I have to destroy my own race for the good of everyone else. Tell me I'm wrong, Zattie. Tell me you don't believe what I'm saying right now."

They looked at each other for what felt like several minutes. At last, Zatte hung her head and sighed. "If he wins... no one will be safe," she said. "And you can't beat him without going down there and beating his followers."

"There it is," Luffa said. "I'm the only one who can do this now."

"He forced you into this!" Zatte said. "If this is how the Saiyans are supposed to end, then it's his fault, not yours! He's the one that tied all of the others to his own fate! He's forcing you to kill them all!"

"Maybe so," Luffa said, "but I think it would have come to this eventually anyway. What else could I do? Where else could I go for a worthy fight? I think this might be how it ended up for Chanisp, or Old Darbock, or the other old heroes. The Saiyans had to rise up and find a way to bring down the Super Saiyans, or else they'd surely be destroyed themselves. Well, this time I'm breaking the cycle, once and for all. The universe will just have to learn to get along without us."

"Okay," Zatte said. There was a long pause, and then: "Okay. If this is what you have to do, then I'll go along with it. All I ask is that you take me with you."

Luffa shook her head. "You know I can't do that. You've seen how powerful Rehval is now. You wouldn't survive. I don't know that I'll survive this."

"I don't care!" Zatte said. "I can't just stay behind while you do this. I have to be there, with you. You're the xan-nil'Dor. If this is your purpose in the universe, then I have to do everything I can to help you see it through."

"I know about all of that," Luffa said. She couldn't bear to look at her. As a child, she might have dreamed Saiyan suitor offering to die alongside her in a glorious battle. But Zatte was no Saiyan, and Luffa was no child. "It's not worth getting you killed," she said as she turned away from her.

"Yes it is!" Zatte pleaded.

Luffa stopped and slowly turned back to face her again. "What are you saying?" she asked.

"I'm saying that if you can't survive this battle, then I... I want to die with you." Zatte said.

The words shook Luffa to the core. "How can you say that? You're a Dorlun," Luffa reminded her. "A survivalist. Staying alive is what you do best."

"None of that matters anymore!" Zatte said. "Right now, I'm not a Dorlun, and you're not a Saiyan, okay?"

She walked towards Luffa and threw her arms around her. "Right now, you're my best friend and my lover and my wife, and I would do anything to be with you for as long as I can. If it costs my life, then so be it."

"Zattie, this isn't like you. You're not thinking straight."

"No, I'm not! I'm thinking that all I want to do is show you just how much you mean to me. Let me die for your cause, xan-nil'Dor. Let me burn with you. Isn't that the way you want it? The two of us dying together in an epic battle?"

Of course it was. The thought of it was too tantalizing to ignore. Luffa had imagined such a glory back on Dorlu Prime, when it was just the two of them against the Tikosi hordes. The last several months of their marriage had been marinated in a fascination with death. Even now, Zatte was caressing the hair on the back of Luffa's head, the way she always did while they talked about how dangerous their last combat mission had been.

Zatte hadn't always been like this. She had changed so gradually that Luffa hadn't really noticed until now. Perhaps she was right. Maybe Zatte wasn't a Dorlun anymore.

And that was what made up Luffa's mind.

"All right," Luffa finally said. "We'll go together."

Zatte looked up from Luffa's shoulder. "You mean it?"

"Of course I do," Luffa said. "You're right. About me, about us. Leaving you behind... well, it just doesn't seem right."

Zatte stepped away from Luffa and took her hands in her own. She was still crying, but the look on her face was joyous. "I... can't tell you how much this means to me," she said. "To be with you, right up to the end. The end. This is it, isn't it?"

"You never know, we might survive this," Luffa said. "But... I doubt it."

"It doesn't matter anymore," Zatte said. "You're going to save the universe, and I'll be with you every step of the way. I won't let you down... I... I... Oh, come here."

She pulled Luffa in and embraced her, cradling the back of her head with her hand.

"I love you," Zatte said. "I know it's awkward for you, but if this is the last chance I get to say it, then I want to say it. You're everything to me. Ha ha, I'm shaking like a leaf right now. I'm actually excited, you know? I never died before. It sounds funny to say it. I'm going to die. I'm frightened, but I don't even care anymore, because I know I'll be with you for the rest of my life. You know what I mean?"

"Yeah," Luffa said. "I'm... I'm scared too. I don't think this Super Saiyan business turned out the way I had in mind. I hope I didn't screw it up too badly."

"You didn't," Zatte said, her breath hot against Luffa's ear. "You won't. You're perfect just the way you are."

Luffa swallowed hard and made a strange sound, almost like a stifled howl. Zatte held her tightly. She sounded like she was hyperventilating.

"It's okay," Zatte said between rapid breaths. "It's okay. Shhhhh. You don't have to say it. I know how you feel. I've always known. My dear, dear Luffa."

"I know that you know. That's not good enough," Luffa said. "I gotta get this out."

She leaned into Zatte's embrace and took in the fragrance of her hair, of her neck, of the sweat in her clothing.

"You're my wife," Luffa said. "I didn't know what marriage was before you. Every day you've put up with me has been an honor that I don't deserve. You inspire me to push myself to be a better Saiyan... no. A better person. You've even saved my life. I owe you a debt that I can never repay."

"Luffa..."

"I wish it didn't have to be like this," Luffa went on. "That you and I could just stay here forever and hold each other, just like this. But it just can't be that way."

"I know. It's okay."

Luffa kissed her, and for what seemed like a millennium, there was only the two of them, no wars, no legends, no divine plans. When they finally separated, they each wiped the tears from each other's eyes.

"Look at us," Zatte said as she wiped her nose with her arm. "We're about to go off to war and we're bawling like a couple of toddlers."

"Yeah," Luffa said with a sniffle. "Well, I won't tell anyone if you don't."

"Deal."

"I love you, Zattie," Luffa said. "More than I can say. I just want you to remember that."

"Of course," Zatte said.

Luffa embraced her again.

"I love you. And... I'm sorry."

Zatte opened her mouth to ask what she was sorry for, but she never got the chance. Faster than Zatte could react, Luffa had charged her hands with ki, and channeled it into Zatte's body. The resulting shock rendered her unconscious. She gasped, and her left eye widened with surprise, and then she went slack in Luffa's arms.

The enormity of this suddenly hit Luffa, and the tears flowed freely down her face. She wanted to wait for her to wake up so she could explain all of this to her, but of course that made no sense. She would never hear this woman's voice again. Despite the tears Luffa's expression remained stoic, however, as she cradled Zatte in her arms, and carried her the captain's chair.

"I'm so sorry," she said as she lowered Zatte into the chair and adjusted the seat to make her more comfortable. "I really did want you to come with me on this. It'd be even better than you made it sound. I don't deserve what I have in you."

She went to the navigation console and programmed the ship to wait several minutes, and then fly itself along the course Zatte had entered earlier.

"But you can't go," Luffa continued. "No matter how much you want to be there beside me, I can't let that happen. I can't let you die."

Once the autopilot was set, she entered codes to lock out the computer. Then Luffa got up from the seat and knelt down beside Zatte. She ran her fingers along Zatte's cheek, stopping at the edge of the patch that covered her wounded right eye.

"It's because of me and my rotten family that you lost the colony," she said. "Dorlu Prime. My father betrayed you all, and I was too late and too weak to stop the Tikosi. You and Keda were the only survivors, and then we lost her too, because I was too late. And too weak."

Luffa pressed her eyes into the crook of her own arm to dab away the tears. "The Saiyans have to pay for what they've done," she said. "But I can't let you die because of that. You're the only one left from the Dorlu Prime colony. If you die too, because of my weakness... Well, I won't let that happen. You're supposed to want to live dammit. Dorluns are survivalists, and all. But you're ready to throw your life away for me. For me! But... I'm only a Saiyan..."

She stood up and watched the rise and fall of Zatte's chest for a moment, then somehow found the strength to turn away and head for the door. "It's not worth it," Luffa said. "And even if it is worth it... I still won't let it happen. If Providence wants me to do this, then it'll have to settle for my death. No more Dorluns die because of me."

Luffa stood in the doorway and hesitated for a moment. She wanted to take one last look at her beloved, but decided against it.

"G-goodbye, Captain," she said. And then she let the door close behind her.

*******

The star-yacht was large compared to many of the ships Luffa had seen in her life, but the walk to the cargo bay wasn't that long. This time, it felt like hundreds of miles. With each step, she felt the urge to turn back, to return to her wife, even if it was just to take one last look at her. Each step forward was a reminder of everything she was leaving behind, forever.

But she refused to turn back. She allowed herself to feel the grief and sadness, but only so that these emotions could stoke the fires of her rage. The thing within her burned yellow-hot, demanding release. The Saiyans would pay. Jindan would be destroyed. Rehval would die. The universe would be spared their blight forever. It had to be this way. Perhaps one day Zatte might understand that, and forgive her.

As she reached the entrance to the bay, the service droid met her in the corridor. She had nearly forgotten about it.

"PB-2," she said.

"Yes, mistress?" the robot asked. It had come with the star-yacht. PB-2's main function was to roam the ship, tidying up where it could and basically making its former owner feel a bit richer than he would have felt without a mechanical butler. Luffa knelt down to be at eye-level with it.

"I've set the ship on an automatic course. No one's at the controls, so just keep an eye on things and make sure it doesn't hit anything for the next couple of weeks, okay? Zatte's on the bridge. She'll be upset when she wakes up, because I've locked out the controls. Just take care of her for me, would you?"

"Very good, madam," it replied. "When shall I expect your return?"

"I won't be coming back," she said. "Fifteen days from now, I want you to transfer all command codes to Zatte," Luffa said. "The ship will belong to her, is that clear?"

"Perfectly clear, mistress," PB-2 said. The authorization of this was actually a much more complicated than it appeared. In the moment after hearing Luffa's order, PB-2 had silently scanned the sound of her voice, her life sign readings, and her retinal patterns, along with a number of other factors to confirm her identity. These features hadn't originally been part of PB-2's design, but Luffa had paid for the upgrades some time ago, in order to maintain absolute control of the ship.

"Good," Luffa said. "Yeah, good."

She walked into the cargo bay, past Guwar's fresh corpse, and began preparing the small pod for launch. Zatte had acquired this vessel on Ristet IV, and had joked that it was an anniversary present for Luffa. Luffa hoped that, in the future, Zatte wouldn't look back on this gift with too much regret. As Luffa ran through the pre-flight checklist, she noticed PB-2 had followed her inside the bay. For a moment, Luffa assumed that it was going to start disposing of Guwar's body, but instead it followed her to the pod.

"What is it?" she asked the machine.

"Will there be anything else, mistress?" it asked. It's tone was professional and cordial, the same as it had always been. And yet, Luffa couldn't help but hear a touch of sadness in its voice, as though it wanted an excuse to be with her for a moment longer before her final departure.

"I don't know if you can understand this," Luffa said after a heavy sigh. "I sort of hope you can't, because if you do, then I've been treating you like an object this whole time. But... thanks for looking after the place. You've handled a lot of stuff that you were probably never meant to deal with on a yacht, but you performed well. I'm... uh... honored by your service."

"As you say, madam." PB-2 replied. There was no indication that her words meant anything special to it.

"Yeah, I'm probably wasting my breath here," Luffa said. "Take care of yourself, PB-2."

"As you wish," PB-2 replied.

It stood in the corner of the bay, near the door, while Luffa boarded the pod and launched it through the force-field airlock that led into space. Luffa set her course for Nagaoka, and the pod streaked onward to its destination.

Inside the bay, PB-2 waited for a moment, until the bay doors closed. It waited a few minutes more, and then it rolled off to attend to its other duties.

*******

NEXT: No Way Out.

[astrologyatlas]

Can you tell my please who is my twin flame and what is going on with him?🥰🥰

Hi, and welcome to your card reading. This is a quite intense energy and I recommend drinking lots of water before, during and/or after reading. Let's get into this.

I can't tell you the name of your twin flame, but for some guidance on how you can know it yourself, I have gathered some information about twin flames to start off with.

It is all about spiritual growth. He will forever change your life and you will do the same thing for him. This relationship will unite the divine masculine and feminine within both of you. It is meant to help you evolve your relationship with yourself.

Ask yourself if this possible twin flame has experienced similar childhood trauma as you? If he act as a reflection? It should be like looking in a mirror, and not only is your unprocessed trauma reflected back at you, but so is past life or ancestral work.

Because of the intensity, it is uncommon for twin flames to be a lifelong partnership, so don't expect him to be. He might just enter your life for a period of time to help you grow and steer you on course. It is okay if your relationship ends, even if it is painful. The relationship will set you on the right path and will help you confront and heal unresolved wounds. A twin flame can be a romantic partner, a friend, a mentor and it can be completely platonic.

Who is your twin flame?

I asked the deck of Spirit Animal oracles. The answer for you lay in the Wombat spirit, Snake spirit and Dove spirit. This person in your life will guide you home, because it is time for both of you to heal so you can be at peace.

The Wombat spirit is a reminder that to truly be at home in this world, you need to find comfort within your own skin, and this twin flame will push you to want to engage with the divine, shift consciousness, and become a better, soulful being in this experience. Together you are going to accept all your experience without judgement and with a deep honesty and love. In the freedom of being yourselves, you begin to feel at home in life.

The Snake spirit appears because it is time to repair, renew and replenish yourself and your vulnerable heart. Shed the past and step into a new way of being, for vitality is rising in you. As this spirit appears for both of you, this message is not only meant for you to hear, but also an answer to you on who your twin flame is. You are going to celebrate together how far you have come in the journey of healing. Now is time to unburden yourself of anything that no longer supports you and open the door for healing to occur. Shed your past, and when your tender new skin first becomes exposed, you may feel uncomfortable, so know that you are called to love yourself and remain vulnerable. A twin flame entering your life for you to become strong and develope wisdom. Snake wisdom also wants you to know that hearts can be so easily wounded. Know that you might not be together forever.

The gentle Dove spirit invites you to embrace the energy of peace and for compassion to warm your heart. Ask yourself: "What would Peace do?" Can you agree to disagree?

The peace you seek rises within and spreads out into the world as Dove Spirit sends her messenger to remind you of the beauty of a harmonious existence with all that is. He/your twin flame being her messenger and vice versa you are the messenger to him. This Dove spirit is here to awaken you from spiritual amnesia. Your true nature is a peaceful child of spirit, but you easily forget. You are being called to become the peace you wish to see in the world so you can reduce any suffering, performing acts of kindness and radiating love. Do your part in being a peacemaker, so others may embrace the Dove spirit within themselves too.

What is going on with him?

I asked the deck of Starseed oracles. There is a lot going on here and these answers are received tapping into his energy, but as much as this is an answer for you to understand what is going on with him, it is also things that you are to receive in reflection. These answers are full of guidance and if he truly is your twin flame these messages will land within him with time and some might even already have landed with him. You are invited to connect to your inner guidance and your true cosmic nature.

Fall Into My Arms. The Great Mother ushered you in when you took your first breath and she will be there when you draw your last. Often we see things as good or bad, but we are all here to expand and grow and it's through the extremes of life that we do exactly that. You are being invited to welcome the highs and lows of the human experience. The Great Mother wants you to hand over your loneliness, worries, hurt, sorrow, fears, burdens and doubts. Lay them on her altar. Fall fully into her arms. Remember that while these extremes and intensity are difficult, they can also be magnificent. Place your hand on your heart and whisper: "I'm ready to embrace the extremes of my life. I lay all that I'm carrying onto the Great Mother's altar and fall completely into her arms."

Star Brothers. It's safe to open the back of your heart. You are being called to be open to receiving a new level of support, from those in your life and from the benevolent beings you're connected with. You have become mistrustful and suspicious of loyalty and have blocks when receiving support, because of ancestral patterning, current life traumas and past life karmic impressions. We learn to go at life alone, and that it is not safe to let our guard down and our heart open. You are invited to have a new experience of life on Earth, where you feel deeply secure and safe even through difficult times. "Hand over your fears to us," they say, "we are an opportunity to let in more love." The Star Brothers are guiding you to stay open to receiving a greater level of support than you can imagine both in this world and beyond. The support in the intensity of a twin flame, but you have to call in your team of loyal protectors and supporters both physically and energetically. Ask yourself: "How can I open myself up to receiving more support?"

Whale and Orca Elders. These are benevolent cosmic beings and they are here to anchor a frequency of love onto the planet. Their physical presence affects the Earth's magnetic field and their harmonics call us to wake up and remember our own soul's song. I will tell you that looking into the eye of a whale is something you will never forget. Whales see into your very being and in an instant, you are changed forever. They see beyond everything physical and sees right into your soul. You are being called to surrender to your deepest truth and share it with potency. Question any part of you that doesn't feel good enough. The Whale and Orca Elders want you to give others the privilege of seeing who you truly are and vice versa for you to see it in other beings. Endeavour to see the soul of all those you meet. Ask yourself: "How are you being called to share your soul's unique song?"

You Got The Love. The Hadarians are beacons of pure, divine, unconditional love who see love in all people and situations. They can find it hard to have boundaried, interdependent, healthy relationships because they only see the unconditional nature of those they meet. You are here to learn how to love while in a separate body. Remember the love you seek is already within you. This card comes with the message of reviewing the ways you may need to establish healthier boundaries. As twin flames you are in a codependent relationship in which you may be losing your sense of self. This card is a sign to do a relationship review and see what energetic agreements you have made, consciously or unconsciously. You are being called to acknowledge if there are relationships in which you feel anxious or powerless. Ask yourself: "Do you lose yourself in relationships? If so, how? How can you develop a deeper love for yourself?"

At last I asked with my pendulum: "Are they twin flames?"

I received the answer: "Yes".

Advice: Meditation can be a source of stability in this unsure and intense energy. I recommend grounding meditation, and it can be as simple as laying your right hand on your stomach and you left hand over your heart and just feel yourself breath.

Love, Astrologyatlas.

[hoursofreading]

Love has you. Love is you. Love alone, and your deep need for love, recognizes love everywhere else. Remember that you already are what you are seeking. As Paul states, any fear “that your lack of fidelity could cancel God’s fidelity, is absurd” (Romans 3:3-4). Love can finally overcome fear, and your house will be rebuilt on a new and solid foundation. This foundation was always there, but it takes a long time to find that “It is love alone that lasts” (1 Corinthians 13:13). All you have loved in your life and been loved by are eternal and true. That is why it is very good theology to believe that your dogs, cats, and horses will be with you in heaven. (It will not be heaven if my recently deceased black Lab, Venus, is not there with me!) Two of the primary metaphors of final salvation are Noah’s ark (Genesis 6-9) and “the Peaceable Kingdom” (Isaiah 11:6-9). Interestingly enough, both are filled with images of animals—as worth saving and as representative of paradise regained. Note that God’s covenant with Noah is with “every living creature” and not just with humans. For some reason, some Evangelical Christians who say they believe the Bible, don’t like that! Yet it’s said four times in a row (Genesis 9:8-17). I guess none of us are completely consistent. My fellow Franciscan Friar, Father Jack Wintz, has written a theologically solid book on why we can consider all things loved, loving, and lovable as participating in eternity, including animals. [1] What made us think humans were the only ones who love and are lovable? If unconditional love, loyalty, and obedience are the tickets to an eternal life, then Venus is surely there long before me, along with all the dear wild animals who care for their young at great cost to themselves—and accept their fate far better than most humans. When I had to make the very painful decision to put Venus to sleep on March 30 this year, she literally put her two black paws straight in front of her, stared at me, slowly bowed her head straight to the ground and died. I hope I will die with such trustful surrender.

Richard Rohr

[circe-poetica]

26.Relax The Hold Of Darkness And Be At Cause

from the Sacred Rebels Oracle Card deck, by Alana Fairchild, artwork by Autumn Skye Morrison

Relax The Hold Of Darkness And Be At Cause: “Dear sacred rebel, this moment in your life requires great courage. Fortunately you possess that in bucket loads. You are beings asked to allow yourself to be lifted out of one level of known reality and into the next level of higher voltage reality. Higher voltage reality requires a more absolute trust and a heart that is surrendered into the greater heart of the universe, so that life can happen to us, through us and with us, more quickly, more radically, more beautifully and more boldly. You are now beings invited into this new reality where things happen quickly and according to bold, loving optimism. This is a reality not only of potential, but of manifestation of the great, big cosmic YES!

To access this reality, you have to leap from known waters and others may think you are crazy for doing so. You have to leave behind the dark weighty grip of hesitation, procrastination, second guessing and the belief you have to do everything on your own. You may fear for our life! How will you be safe in the wild, electrical pulse of so much aliveness? How will you function without the hazy, sleep-inducing paralysis of playing it safe, taking too long and placing lesser priorities above your sacred art of life? How will you hold yourself back if you do not hold on to fear? You do not need to worry about such things. Life is wild, but it is also wise. It is a force of startling raw awakening at times, but it is also the natural process of evolution where all things mature according to a seasonal cycle, in right timing. You are a part of, not apart from, that process.

The invitation to shift gears and jump on board the express train of life will feel exhilarating and perhaps also challenging. When you are in the hold of the darkness, you will feel pushed to turn away, to imagine it is all too much, and to create excuses about how your desires are not grounded enough, that you are being too flighty or flaky or that you are not living ‘in the real world.’ That is fear talking, not truth. If the sacred rebel is not awakened, we will continue to live in a culture drenched in fear and distrust of nature. Those without awakened hearts don’t yet understand what nature knows – she knows timing, she knows life and death, she knows the creative process, she just knows – and can be trusted to support us, her own creations, in becoming all that we can become.

Does this mean that we become passive and just flow along, like a limp leaf detached from the tree and blown about randomly by the breeze? No! Being free of the dark hold empowers us to take up our cause. This means being free to act and affirm the intuitive feelings we have by following up on them. This is painting like someone who has lost their mind, completely free and from the heart. It means writing even though you have no conscious idea of what you are writing, even as the words are streaming forth upon the page before your rather curious eyes. And, it means speaking about your work – never hiding it away. Detach from the darkness that would say it is not enough or must be the best thing ever – whatever that means – in order to be worthy of a place in the world. Instead, just let it be what it is! It might fly, it might endure, and it might not. All of nature, including you, and your passions and dreams, will be what is needed, when it is needed, and how it is needed, according to wisdom. We just have to trust in this, within ourselves and within nature herself through the flow of life. And participate!

You are asked to go within and imagine diving deep off the edge of what you have known. There is so much more calling to you now. It is your time. Leap.”

Healing Process: “Say, ‘ I accept the offer of life so that I may truly live. Through unconditional love I now invite and receive all assistance, intervention, protection and inspiration so that I may leap into my next cycle of life, held in the loving grace of wisdom. So be it.’

You may now like to take an actual jump for joy to finish your healing process.”*

~ By Alana Fairchild

This healing process is so powerful:

“ I accept the offer of life so that I may truly live. Through unconditional love I now invite and receive all assistance, intervention, protection and inspiration so that I may leap into my next cycle of life, held in the loving grace of wisdom. So be it.“

Say it out loud… outside if possible even better, get out in the forest. Place your spine against the largest tree you can find. Close your eyes and take a few deep breaths. See yourself in the healing chamber of Light, as depicted in the card; feel the green ray of healing energy penetrating every cell of your body, clarifying, purifying, healing, transforming. Releasing. See yourself receiving the bright white Love and Light, as much as your physical body can handle at this time. See the transformation take place; tangible in body, mind and Spirit. The density is removed. The fear is gone. Allow yourself to surrender, be vulnerable. Trust. Accept that this is necessary change, a sacred gift. Know that the assistance, intervention, protection and inspiration you have invoked is here, now. Breathe it in. Graciously accept this blessing of elemental healing and magic. Send gratitude. Leave a gift in honour, a stone, feather, flower or natural sacred object.

You are going to have to make a decision based on new knowledge and wisdom that comes with this transformation. A leap of faith is imminent. Take the plunge.

Jump high and don’t look back.

Namaste

Dee

~Archangel Oracle

[good-intentions-if]

Chapter Three Blues

Morning everyone!

It’s looking more and more like Chapter 3 will be released “almost” content complete. Having massive motivation issues with a few parts, so I’m planning on updating with a couple scenes having placeholder text, but the overall story will still flow to its conclusion. For my own sanity, I need to get this update through.

Also: it’s been a while since I posted any samples, so here’s a rough draft of a visit to Lou’s Diner. This variant is “the regular”, wherein it’s your third visit during the story (the maximum possible).

Still working out exactly how I want Lou to come across as a character, so if you have an impression and want to share, I’d love to hear it.

Lou’s is busy today, with all the booths claimed and only a few spots open at the counter. You and Mouse make your way inside and are immediately immersed in the din of conversation and the clack of silverware on porcelain. The aroma of fresh coffee and sizzling bacon beckons you towards two empty stools at the counter with an irresistible pull.

Mouse settles onto the stool next to you, glancing around furtively. She’s probably used to being tossed out of places like this. Lou looks up and spots you as you settle in, cracking a wry smile and heading out of the kitchen to stand in front of you at the counter.

“Well, well,” she grins, “You’re like a bad penny lately. Always turning up at my door.” It’s then that she notes Mouse, who looks up at Lou with wide, fearful eyes.

“I see you have a breakfast companion today," Lou says, gracing Mouse with a winning smile. “Why don’t I get you two a nice hot drink while you look at the menu.”

“You’re not going to give me tea again, are you?” you ask suspiciously.

“Are you saying there’s something wrong with my tea?” she replies, hands on her hips.

“No, I just…” you begin, but she interrupts.

“I’ll have you know that tea is a very old family recipe, handed down from the old country. Why, in fact—“

“Um, sure Lou…tea would be great,” you concede, trying to head off her bizarre tea-focused scolding.

She gives a satisfied nod indicating acceptance of your unconditional surrender, then turns to Mouse with her motherly grin turned up to full force.

“And for you, some hot cocoa. Does that sound good, sweetheart?” Mouse gives her a nervous nod in the affirmative.

“I’ll be right back!” she exclaims cheerily as she vanishes into the kitchen. Mouse gives you a wide-eyed, questioning stare, which you answer with a small shrug of your shoulders.

*page_break

In moments Lou returns, placing two steaming cups in front of you with a gentle clink. You take a gingerly sip and find it just as good as the last time, luxuriating in the warmth of the cup against your hands.

Mouse sips at her drink experimentally. Her eyes widen in appreciation and she takes another, larger gulp of the steaming liquid only to utter a choked squeak and sputter a bit of cocoa onto the counter as she burns her tongue.

“Slowly, dear. Sip it,” Lou instructs as she wipes the counter clean with a rag that you didn’t see her holding a moment ago.

“Now then, why don’t you tell me what’s going on. Are you in some kind of trouble?” Lou asks, concern in her voice.

You sigh, and scrub your face with your hands. Should you tell her the truth? Does she really need to be involved in…whatever this is? More importantly: do you trust her?

Oddly enough, you do trust her. You begin to tell your tale, starting with your arrival at the Valkyrie on that fateful night, to Lori’s apartment, and the confrontation with the cops. Lou listens, her expression unreadable.

“The way I saw it, if I didn’t figure out who really killed Lori I’d end up riding the lightning. So, I started running down leads."

“And how did that go?” Lou asks.

“I…might have gotten beaten up and locked in a basement,” you mumble.

Lou shoots you a glance that makes you feel like a child who’s just been caught drawing on the walls. Turning to Mouse, she says,

“Where did you meet our !{firstname}, dear? !{gender_refer4} doesn’t have many friends, so I’m always delighted to meet one of them.”

“I’m literally sitting right here,” you mutter but she ignores you, focusing on Mouse. Mouse glances over at you, then straightens her back and looks Lou in the eye.

“I’d still be in a cage if it wasn’t for {gender_refer3}. !{gender_refer4} got me away from those freaks. $!{gender_refer4} saved my life.”

“Oh my,” coos Lou. "You poor thing!”

“Lou, I’ve got kind of a big favor to ask of you,” you interject, trying to head off an undiplomatic reply from Mouse.

"Well, it never hurts to ask,” she replies with a gentle smile.

“Can you keep an eye on Mouse for a while? Couple of days, maybe? I’ve had more people trying to kill me lately than I can count, and it just isn’t safe for her to be tagging along with me.”

“What? No! I can help you! Just let me—“ Mouse exclaims, nearly upsetting her cup of cocoa.

“Hush, dear. Let me get a better look at you,” Lou interrupts. Oddly, Mouse acquiesces, settling back down onto her stool. Lou places her two large hands on either side of Mouse’s dirty face, cradling her head as she peers intently into her eyes. Mouse’s expression is somewhere between confusion and outrage, but again she uncharacteristically sits quietly though the odd examination.

You swear you feel something pass between the two of them, like an electric charge in the air. Lou stares for a moment more before releasing Mouse and stepping back, gently nodding her head.

“I think that would be a wonderful idea,” she says to you, although she’s still looking directly at Mouse. “You really are a diamond in the rough, my dear,” she tells the girl, a motherly smile once again in place on her lips.

“What the hell was that?” you ask.

“You two must be famished!” Lou exclaims, pointedly ignoring your question. “Hotcakes and sausage for the both of you, coming right up!” With that she turns away and once again vanishes back into the kitchen with preternatural speed.

You turn to Mouse, who looks oddly pensive. She gingerly touches her cheek in the spot Lou was cradling her, her gaze and her thoughts both far away.

Accepting that this is just one more weird event in an already bizarre week, you content yourself with taking another sip of the luxuriously warm tea, leaving Mouse to her thoughts as you allow the friendly noise of the diner wash over you.

[the-mira-life-project-mtf]

My MtF~H.R.T. -- My New Family

THE END IS NEAR...

     I once dreamed of a time when I was caught in-between two ordeals:

     Love for the family that raised you, or love for the family that loved you.

     I wanted both, but was denied as the family that raised me ensnared me in my home whereas the family that loved me, changed me into someone new. This dream came again-and-again, stronger and stronger, vivid and warning me that it would happen after a terrible snow fell on the ground. Only problem, we were in a warming period and snow was pretty much non-existent! Then, like fate, the weather changed and a storm dumped over 2 feet of snow in one night...snow that the Puget Sound has never seen before. It was a once in the thousand-year event!

     My dream warned that once the snow fell, I would become near-death sick, and unable to leave...I would depend on the family that loved me to heal me and care for me...and this would begin the transformation. And sure enough, my lungs seized, my mucus turned green and I was fighting pneumonia with no access to antibiotics. My family, all over them, worked diligently to help clear the mucus from my lungs as we were trapped over a week in our home.

     I would lay there as the white icy snow fell outside my window as I thought to myself ‘My God...it is actually happening! I am living the part in my dream!’ I flipped through the pages as I looked for more clues of what would happen. The dream warned that I would have to face the end. The divide as I faded from my family and became someone new. The man that came for a week stay, would leave as a woman, a daughter of the family. It stated that I would attend their wedding, become part of the family and then...I would become part of the family, forever.

     Mira Carlene Messinger was my new name. The shadows of David remained, rekindled by friends who stopped by, but they did not disturb the fabric of reality as they all came to accept me as a transgender female. I no longer looked the same...it was a painful transformation...but in the end, I appeared younger and a reflection of the daughter that saved my life.

     Not only had my body changed. Mentally, I would begin to change. No longer longing for the family I left behind. My focus would be on the family I have.

     Unconditional love is a powerful vice!

THE TALKS CONTINUE...

     Back in May of 2018; the biggest doubt I faced with being transgender was that I was going to go through this all alone. That is why I created this blog, to voice my thoughts that I would have voiced with my family. There was fear of being discovered and the consequences that would befall my coming out. However, the Lord has blessed me with a new family, who loves me for who I am, even if it is Mira and not David.

     As I was writing this blog, Michelle message me with some exciting news that I have yet to consider.

Michelle: How was your day?

Mira: Not too bad, had garbage to burn and cleaning the garage from the Christmas light mess. Day started with driving my grandmother around, and almost fell asleep at the wheel. I remember saying to her, ‘I don’t understand, this is a new tank, but I feel nothing!’ as I pulled at the cord and found that I shut my oxygen cord in the door! Lol! Even with this dilemma, still had to drive! Otherwise, a nice day, how has yours been?

Michelle: Felt exhausted today, not exactly sure why. Was so happy to get home. Made some dinner and now just laying in bed watching some TV with Mitch.

Mira: I am looking forward to moving out that way...been gathering my belongings to bring in small waves. Tools, personal items, lights, books...things I don’t want to lose. I have been considering the process of moving and how to adjust...and to be honest, I look forward to it!

Michelle: Did you want the bookshelf in the bedroom for your books? If not let me know and we can take it out.

Mira: It is the cloudy weather that makes people exhausted! I tried to sit and work on my stories and reflection on the future...did not get far as work always finds me!

Michelle: I also have an extra nightstand in Logan's Room to put on the bedside that has 2 drawers in it. And then the closet has shelves for we can always figure something out for a dresser if need be.

If you wanna put tools in the barn, you can or anything like tools that you would use on a regular basis we have the cabinet in the old laundry room downstairs that we could use. I also want to clean out the cabinet in the bathroom so you can put toiletries and such and that bathroom.

Mira: I like that bookshelf and also wish to keep Amanda’s shelf on the bottom shelf (if that is okay with Mitch).

One moment to consider...I have not considered room design yet.

Michelle: You just let me know what you want moved out and what you want to stay and will make it work.

Mira: A dresser would be nice, have not had one of those in 15 years!

Michelle: Mitch is asking if you've told anybody yet?

Mira: No, I have not said a word about moving, waiting till our trip to the ocean is through, so I can focus on digging clams. It is a probability, but I fear that information could lead to terrible conflict...reason why I am gathering my supplies just in case.

Michelle: So you know, I did have a conversation with Lexi. She is very excited for you to move in with us as she feels that you stay much healthier when you're in our home. I did let her know about the changes that you want to make in your life and she is very happy at the fact that you will be free with who you are and that we are able to help you through the process. She is so open minded so I knew that this would be her reaction.

Mira: That sounds wonderful! I did not know what Lexie’s thoughts were. She is a very accepting young lady.

Michelle: Well you have a house key, so feel free to drop off anything you need to, here. Or come here and rest in the middle of the day if you need to or whatever the case may be. Also we can create storage in the loft if you have items that are bigger that you don't wanna keep in your room. There is also a wardrobe with a drawer up there. Better answer, I will try to get to that closet this weekend so that you can have places to put things. I also have baskets that can go on the shelves to hold different things. As far as your medication, you could always keep that in the top of the cabinet in the bathroom.

Mira: Perfect! I keep all my meds and equipment on a shelf in my room and extras in a closet. I use to keep it in the bathroom when my grandfather was alive, but since his death, I am only allow to keep everything in my room or in the living room. It is nice I can store extra stuff in the loft...don’t have much, but I’ll bring things that are important to me and can be used to help the family.

As for converting my name and identity; still too dangerous to do that publicly I feel. Once things settle and I feel secure in my new life, then I’ll ask to convert my name. We’ll have that conversation, but I see it happening probably by summer or just after.

Thank you to all of you for being so willing to adopt me (if that is okay to use); I believe Lexie (is it Lexi or Lexie, I am uncertain) is correct, my health is so much better there. Unconditional love is a powerful medicine!

Michelle: It’s Lexie :) Yes it is. Love is the Way.

Mira: Perfect, been spelling it correctly! Certainly, love is the way...just took me a year or so to realize that! Thank you for always reaching out, I know you mentioned it last night and I wanted to thank you and Mitch...again, it is something I’ve never experienced...and I cherish it!

Michelle: I didn't get a chance to ask you last night, but wanted to know if you plan to go through a complete sex change through surgery? Also meant to tell you, when you get the date of your port being placed, I'd be happy to go with you if you want.

Mira: I had plans to do so...as I see my HRT physician this month; but it probably won’t happen as my health is too poor to go under General. But much of my discomfort is because of my anatomy. It is weird to explain. Also, I feel that it is a family decision too, so we’ll cross that bridge when we get there. / I’d be honored to have you come with me for my port placement...still waiting on the surgeon...I am shooting for sometime in May.

Michelle: 👍  I hope you have a good night tonight David and I hope you sleep . We'll see you tomorrow.

Mira: I wish both you and Mitch the same, Hope tomorrow brings renewed energy! I will see everyone tomorrow! Have a pleasant night! 💜

Michelle: 💞

PASSING THROUGH GETHSEMANE...

     All moments of life can be easily broken down into moments of transition, regret and revelation. There is a terrible darkness that we must struggle against; it is the darkness of the soul that has lost its faith. The darkness is not power or principalities...it is chaos and despair! Great than the death of flesh is the death of dreams and hopes. Against this very peril, we can never surrender to the darkness. Our future is always around us, waiting in moment to transition, to be reborn in moments of revelation. No soul knows the shape of that future, or where it will lead us...all we are certain is that it is always born through pain.

     Just watch a few episodes of Babylon 5 and you will have enough philosophy to fill your life!

     There is a truth to the saying; all moments of transition and revelation must be traveled along the path of pain. Pain is what reminds us that we are alive! As I’ve endured, the death of hope and dreams is the worst conviction any soul could endure!

     As I transition through my old life and into my new life...I know that before the end, I must first pass through the gardens of Gethsemane (the place where Jesus underwent pain and torment and was arrested the night before his crucifixion) which ironically is my biological family and the beautiful garden I have created at home. There will be suffering, pain and in the end...death! Like Jesus, I shall be crucified for my actions and beliefs in my true purpose...but the death of David isn’t the end...there is a revelation in the end. Rebirth! A renewed life as Mira. From the darkness of my faithless family, to the loving light of my anew family.

     Sadly, like Jesus, I know when the end will happen and how it shall happen...yet, I must let it come to fruition...for the sake of my family, the sake of my adoptive family and the very sake of my life. The future is unknown to me, my new family is young...enduring, but lives on uncertain grounds. All I know is that my future is paved with pain.

     At first I was uncertain, scared to move...I have always returned home! Even during my college years in Tacoma. Home was always between the morning and evening sun. Yet, with the fragile nature of my illness...if I remain here any longer, I will die here...alone...or in a hospital, alone.

     There is so much potential as Mira! So much potential as Messinger. Even though I struggle against it; I’ve already been reborn as Messinger, since my near deaths of 2015...if it wasn’t for Amanda to constantly remind me to get checked for cystic fibrosis, I would have drowned on my own bodily fluids in the hospital. The treatments between asthma and CF are not the same...never even considered! Since then, my whole life has been an awaking, a re-purposing. A life to repay a life.

     Now, with the moment only days away...I no longer feel the grip of fear nor the cloud of doubt. I have began the process of preparing for my passing. I know that once my family is aware...the noose around my neck will be tightened! I have turned to another song to comfort me...

David:‘Where once was light...now darkness falls (my family after the death of my grandfather). Where once was love...love is no more (my family has abandoned joy, love and compassion for sadness, grief and disappointment).

My Biological Family: Don't say goodbye, don't say, I didn't try (my family’s rebuttal).

David & Mira: These tears we cry are falling rain (meaning that they mean nothing). For all the lies you told us, the hurt, the blame (the treatment my family gives as reward)! And we will weep to be so alone (in fighting cystic fibrosis and being transgender). We are lost! We can never go home.

Mira: So in the end, I will be, what I will be (my tribulation and awakening as Mira). No loyal friend was ever there for me (referring to my blood family as they never would come to the hospital unless I almost died, then only sometimes). 

David & Mira: Now we say, goodbye; we say you didn’t try (leaving my home for a new life, without remorse)! These tears you cry, have come too late. 

Mira: Take back the lies, the hurt, the blame (as I don’t want it no more)! And you will weep when you face the end alone (as a forewarning to my family to heed the path they are on).

My Biological Family: You are lost (as they disown me)! You can never come home.

David: You are lost! You can never go home (as sung to Mira).

     May is so far away...but also, so close! May...that is when I die! The old life of David, sacrificed and I will finally see the true spirit of my family. They may be able to recover from my genesis, but they will never survive my coming out. That is why it is imperative to gathered what I want to restart my life...as after May, anything left behind will be lost to the flames!

     It will be important to be strong, as a new sickness will set in: Remorse and homesickness. My new family must be strong, I must be strong! For what comes next will be harder then leaving home! I will begin the second month recovering from homesickness and face the revelation of presenting myself to the world. Most of my old friends...will leave me! However, new friends will be made. Then, comes to pain of holidays...the threat of a new sickness presents itself: depression.

     It is important to be true to myself, to allow myself to be loved and to love the family I have adopted.

MY SURVIVAL PLAN...

     APRIL

     In order to stay on track, I will have to be diligent to follow through:

     1) Gather all the tools that are my property, and gifted upon me to avoid legal conflict. This includes my drill bits, tool cases, power drill, Croana tools, shovels, rakes and camping gear. All this must be delivered to Messinger by 4-3-2019. Along with Christmas lights I have purchased. My rock hammers and first load of crystals and rocks. Basically, I need to fill my backseat.

     A second trip will be made on Friday morning (4-5-2019), prior to my trip to Silverdale to pick up my oxygen equipment. This load will consist of clothing and book. This load is important to keep simple as I will be operating around my grandmother, who could turn my genesis against me, but turning the family against me.

     (4-9-2019), Pack up my Mount St. Helens belongings for storage. Pack more clothes. Pack my nature books and more rocks. Pack camping bags and tents. Pack metal detector and DvDs.

     (4-10-2019) Last of the rocks, books, awards, vital papers and plants (if the weather is wet).

     (4-19-2019) Begin packing up items in my upstairs room...to maintain the illusion that I am still around. Begin moving things I don’t want to take to the attic as no one will go up there...only I.

     (4-26-2019) Last trip to Messingers with final articles of clothing, CPT machine, lamps, more Christmas lights, my cactus, poinsettia’s, bedding, fans, Krampus, books, extra medicine.

     MAY

     The genesis from my family begins as I am expected to depart for the Messinger’s as agreed to...however, once a week has passed...then the news shall be presented that I have decided:

     For the sake of my failing health:

To move into a home where I am not stressed into sickness,

Pushed into doing things that my doctors tell me not to do,

To remove me from the temptation of the outdoors which gets me sick,

To remove me from driving to the hospital which has almost got me into wrecks and lost,

To rely on the wisdom and experience of a father who has knowledge of end-stage cystic fibrosis and to prevent possible terminal sickness that I miss,

To remove me from the household which seems to be always sick due to their work,

Having a father and mother who is willing to perform CPT and healing,

Awareness of my failure to take my enzymes and to keep me on my oxygen that I don’t use always at home,

Can advocate for me when I am in the hospital and willingness to visit without me begging.

And a ever-growing network of friends who offer up prayers for my healing and have expressed genuine compassion and love for how I am...

     And for my transgender health:

I need a family who’s fundamentals are based on love and not deeds,

I need a family who has not lost their faith in God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit and community,

I need a family that focuses on being a ‘family’ and teaches community service like our family once did,

I need a family that appreciates me for not my deeds (as my health makes me pretty much useless) but for who I am,

I need a family that will not belittle me because I am transgender (nonconforming / fluid),

I need a family that will allow me to live my life as Mira, who has given me purpose and happiness...but is willing to guide and support me,

I need a family that will allow me to develop new interests and talents without making me feel bad,

I need a family that will allow me to correct my physical and chemical identity,

I need a family that will work with me, not use me as a workhorse, or denigrate me for things I can’t control,

I need a family where I feel safe as Mira and will not retaliate or physically and/or mentally harm me.

     To The Bruer Family:

I am aware of my end-stage nature and know that you can not take another possible death, after the death of my grandfather and Kiera...you need time to heal without my distraction,

As noted, I place a burden on the cost of food, thanks to my digestive failure, and my absence will reduce your bill and allow you to eat what you like. This will help your limited budget and save you money. This will also benefit me, as I need to loose weight for my lung transplant and as I am adjusting to a Messinger diet, I have noticed that I loose weight,

With my absence, my constantly running oxygen equipment, CPT, computer, machines and lights...this will greatly improve your light bill,

With my absence, you will not have to endure my changing body and feminine nature that I have chosen. You will not be required to use my name or face the backlash of my uncles like Mike and Lee who are ‘near-violent’ against the LGBTQ,

With my absence, this gives you back the living-room and sun porch to make use as you like.

     Once I have announced that I have decided to leave--with the following above--then begins the change. By the mid of May, I will begin to change my media platforms to my new name. This will begin on April 26th 2019 with me using my new name at my new PCP who will oversee my transgender health. I expect to lose 20% of my social network to the change.

     I am expecting to battle homesickness, but the adoption of my new last name will be me adjust and I will spend most of my time at the gym, at gigs and working on my new property.

     JUNE

     My second month living with my family, I will begin the process of legally changing my name.

     Make a decision about my care at Cedar River Clinics, and announce my new intentions and good news. Have my blood draw to measure my estrogen and testosterone levels.

     Decorate the property for the 4th of July and tend my new garden.

     JULY

     See how the Messinger’s celebrate 4th of July.

     I celebrate my re-birthday on July 21st. This is my first year anniversary on hormone replacement therapy and begin to consider SRS by next July. Set up my 2nd appointment with Dr. Worth.

     Head to the Christmas Light Swap to find stuff for Christmas and Halloween.

     AUGUST

     I attend Mitch and Michelle’s re-wedding, this time part of the family. I celebrate Woody Woodstock 9 ~ Mitchapalooza 4 as my Grand Coming Out with our closes friends.

     File my name change application.

     SEPTEMBER

     Become part of the Messinger family and attend the Bonding Ceremony. Face the winter months ahead. I will open up to Ryan and allow him to do my hair and make-up (something I never though I would say.)

     Photograph Josie’s wedding.

     Plan a romantic outing with my girlfriend, Ruth, to rekindle our relationship.

     Apply for new birth certificate and social security card, change my bank ID, notify all my debtors and medical providers.

     OCTOBER

     Begin decorating for Halloween and winterize my garden.

     Month six with my new family, I should expect a beckoning from my biological family to return home to do property maintenance. I will reopen a new offer to her periodically. Set up my 3rd appointment with Dr. Worth.

     NOVEMBER

     Celebrate my birthday.

     Prepare for Thanksgiving. 

     Begin to set-up for Christmas.

     DECEMBER

     Celebrate my first Christmas with the Messinger’s.

     2020

     Begin looking into SRS.

[thewahookid]

The Candlelight Ceremony before the Holy Cross! Incredible

Day 2 of the Youth Festival, 2021 – The Candlelight Ceremony From the Air!!

August 3, 2021 Day 3 of the Youth FestivalDear Family of Mary!Today is Day 3 of the Youth Festival! Already so many beautiful memories have been made! Yesterday the young people climbed Apparition Hill to pray at the apparition site. It was at 6:00 am!And then from 10:00 am to Noon, there was Catechesis and testimony! Sanja Barisic shared the story of her life, which included so much suffering due to drugs. Sanja wandered for many years in pain until one day Our Lady reached into her life and saved her.We also heard from Fr. Matthew, from France, who shared his own miraculous conversion in Medjugorje! He is now a powerful priest, full of the Lord’s love!You will not want to miss the conclusion of the Evening Mass when there was Veneration of the Holy Cross, and the lighting of candles. It was spectacular!!You can watch these events and all the sessions of the Festival in the Archive “Youth Festival 2021” at this link: https://marytv.tv/youth-festival-2021/ I would like to share some of the comments in the homily from last night’s evening Mass. They convey the wonder of Our Lady’s presence in Medjugorje. Fr. Miljenko Steko was the main celebrant for the Evening Eucharistic Celebration. He is the Franciscan Provincial of the area of Medjugorje, and has been part of the events of Medjugorje for many years. He spoke so tenderly of Our Lady. He said:“To this Youth Festival in Our Lady’s Medjugorje, with particular joy I speak to you, and I wish for you to feel the way man can feel, the way man can feel in the embrace of the most favored Mother, the Mother who became our Mother in the order of grace, that you may be happy. That you may be joyful and feel merciful and blessed while you are here. In the embrace of the one who is always here for you. Who unobtrusively lays her hand of grace on you and guides you thorughout your whole life.“Of the Mother who loves unconditionally! That is the word that the Holy Father used in the message that he gave to us (yesterday). He spoke about the unconditional love. It is the Mother who loves so much and embraces you under her mantle and receives you, and intercedes for you. And only the man who receives the love of his Mother can witness peace, happiness, welfare…the feeling when we are not afraid to say anything, because she would understand us!“The feeling that all of our worries, all of our anxieties and all of our difficulties can be surrendered into the hands that always greet us and embrace us with goodness.“She is the Mother of Reconciliation! And of those who are reconciled, she is the Mother of Salvation and of Faith.“She passes on to us what we have heard in the Gospel. What encouraged her life? ‘Do not be afraid of the living God! Do not be afraid.’ If it wasn’t for those words in your heart, I do not know how you would pass through so many borders and arrive here during this pandemic. And you came from all over the world. And you came from various peoples. You carry different cultures and you speak different languages. You dress in different ways. You eat different things. In many ways your are different. And yet, this is not an obstacle to your being here, joyful in God’s family! You can be one heart and one soul, united with Mary in prayer! Just like the Apostles were in the Cenacle“The Most Holy Virgin, completely directed to Christ, is the foundation of the Church and its faith experience. She becomes for you the privileged way to Christ, who is the Supreme Mediator.“The Cardinal (Cardinal Sarah) reminded us of that in the last words of his homily, when he said in his final sentences that we may be converted by Our Lady of Medjugorje!“The secular people, when they see such gatherings of the youth, are astonished and they wonder why these people gather in such great numbers. What is it that gathers them? What moves them to take on so many efforts, to overcome so many obstacles to come here? The world lives as if God does not exist. The world cannot understand it as long as they remain the way they are.“You are not the news for the great “media” of the world. If there was

a scandal here, that would be news for them. Because the world it surprised that you are leaving behind the world of entertainment and you come here in this hot weather to pray for a week! The world cannot understand that.“But God and the Mother of God are here for them, and they patiently wait for them to accept the grace and consolation and to realize that man does not only live on bread but every word that comes from the mouth of God.“You, dear young brothers and sisters, know why you are here!! What gathered you here. You were gathered by the safety that God loves you immensely. He makes you capable to love yourself. By the power of His love He makes you brothers and sisters. He gathers you into one family of God’s people. It is so strong that after this encounter that love will go to all parts of the world. Because you will know that you are loved. And the one who knows that he is loved will not remain passive, but will respond in the same way, by love.“With Our Lady’s intercession in your hearts, you can penetrate the words of the Lord, “Love one another, just as I have loved you.” In that way you will love one another. That inner strength of love brought you here, despite all the difficulties, so that you may show that you are loved. So that you may witness to the world, that still does not know God, or who consciously refuses God, the patience that is God and His love….” (The first part of the Homily for the Evening Mass on Day 2 of the Youth Festival, Fr. Miljenko Steko!)Here is the link to Fr. Miljenko Steko’s homily: https://marytv.tv/youth-festival-2021/?smid=icrtiVs0TJD&slid=6HAZozrsm6t Fr. Steko spoke so beautifully of the powerful love of Our Lady in Medjugorje! As you can see, he is totally aware of Our Lady’s presence in Medjugorje, and of her motherly guidance and care for all who come to her there!! We are all her children!! May we feel her presence in these days and rely completely upon her!Here is the Schedule for Tuesday, Day 3 of the Festival! Join us at Mary TV!!TUESDAY, 3. 8. 2021 10.00 – Prayer, Catechesis, Testimonies 12.00- The Angelus RECESS 16.00 – Daily Rosary ( Denis & Cathy ) 17.00 – Testimonies 18.00 – Parish Rosary 19.00 – Evening Holy Mass 20.30 – 21.30 Procession with Our Lady’s statue and Adoration of the Blessed SacramentIn Jesus, Mary, and Joseph! Cathy Nolan Mary TV 2021PS. Pray for our team! They are working day and night to provide the most spectacular coverage of the Festival!! Thank you, Mary TV Team in Medjugorje!!!