#So I think I started grieving our relationship a long time ago

[littlebirdy0301]

I am newly single and already have caught feelings for someone, debating if that’s a bit awful or not lmao

[maislovebot]

I love everything you do

Bram Stoker x reader

Title is from training wheels by melanie martinez

Hello! I finally finished the Bram thing!! I actually finished it two days ago but I’ve been so busy with work and school I haven’t found time to proofread it till now:’)

Containing: S5 SPOILERS!!, afab reader, no pronouns, oral sex (afab receiving), riding, domestic fluff & smut, porn with plot, aftercare, premature ejaculation, bath sex, hand jobs, cum eating, clit stimulation, Bram wants to bite reader but can’t for obvious reasons, very brief groping, human/vamp relationship, post-vampirism arc

Bram officially had a body now. Everything with Dostoevsky and Ouchi had been solved, and there were many changes that Bram had to figure out how to deal with.

To start, Dostoevsky is now dead, and Gogol seems to be grieving with this fact. Ouchi is also dead, and now the nation is in a panic knowing that the war hero everyone looked up to was some sort of terrorist, even if all the people personally involved knew he meant well.

Including Bram Stoker.

Bram wasn’t entirely sure how to live now that Ouchi was dead, and he especially didn’t know how to live now that he had a full body again.

But this was certainly a good way to start.

“Alright, Bram. I know things are difficult, but do you really need me to explain this again? You don’t need that much shampoo.” You sighed, seeing Bram with at least seven pumps of shampoo in his hands.

“But if it keeps my hair clean, the more I use the longer it’ll be clean, no?” Bram deadpanned.

“That’s not how it works!” You ran your hands through Bram’s hair. You weren’t really annoyed with him, but you’d be lying if you said Bram’s lack of understanding wasn’t comedic.

“The one pump I told you to use works just fine.” You laughed at him lightheartedly.

Bram looked at your naked form up and down in confusion, your body slightly altered by the swishing of the water in the bath.

“But you used a different amount than I did.” Bram looked so genuinely confused, and it was honestly very cute.

“Yes, because our hair is different. Your hair is much more sensitive than mine because of how long it’s been without being washed properly. You need a different amount than I do.” You spoke to him gently, running your hands through his hair, much more successfully this time. When you met Bram for the first time, his hair was so matted it took hours to brush through. He was lucky he met you a few months ago. If he hadn’t, he’d probably still be living life without even washing his face.

“Once your hair is healthier I bet we can start using more shampoo, but for now this is all your hair can handle.” You smiled at him, wrapping your arms around him. Your naked form pressed up against his chest, and he let out a small whine, so you pulled away.

“Is everything alright?”

Bram nodded.

“Yes, it’s just..” Bram trailed off, and you soon realized what he meant once you looked down into the water at his crotch.

“Bram!” You jokingly flicked his arm. “You dog!”

Bram raised an eyebrow and looked away from you.

“It’s not like I can help it.. I haven’t had a body in so long it’s overly sensitive. My body isn’t used to it, I think.”

You smiled and looked at him right in the eyes.

“We’re gonna have to fix that soon. Not yet though. We still have to wash your hair.”

“Really? Why can’t you make an exception?”

You shook your head, and kissed Bram on the neck.

“You’re gonna love it once I clean you off. Trust me, it’ll make it more enjoyable.”

Bram sighed and nodded his head.

“Alright.”

You grabbed some of the shampoo left from his hands and let the rest trickle into the water, rubbing the shampoo into his hair, gently scratching his scalp. The shampoo that fell from his hands caused the bathwater to have small white bubbles scattered everywhere. Bram rested his head in the crook of your neck, getting your chin bubbly and wet. You slowly trailed it down to the tips of his hair that were recently trimmed, courtesy of you taking him to a hair stylist for the first time in who knows how long. His hair was still long, reaching far beyond his back, but the dead ends were gone. You took the shower head and turned the notch to make it spray a gentle stream of water and aimed it towards his head.

“Turn around and close your eyes,” you warned, “it stings your eyes.”

Bram nodded and turned, his back facing you. He tilted his head up to the ceiling and shut his eyes, the warm water running through his hair and down his back. His new skin was very soft, you couldn’t stop touching it. It felt brand new (although it technically was). The water ran down the front of his face, getting his eyelashes droopy with water droplets. He really looked ethereal. The shampoo was all washed out of his hair, so he turned around to face you and rested his face in the crook of your neck again.

“I’m gonna wash your body now. It’s unscented soap because I’m willing to bet your new skin is sensitive,” you kissed his shoulder, “ just letting you know.” You smiled into his newly washed hair.

“Are you going to use hair conditioner?” He asked.

“Not yet. I don’t think your hair can handle it yet.” You chuckled, grabbing a pastel loofah. You put the unscented soap on it, and ran it under water for a short amount of time, getting it all sudsy.

“Lift your arms!” You said, and he complied. He brought his arms up and washed along the undersides of them, trailing the loofah up and down, until both of his arms were covered with the soap. You slowly moved over to his chest and you began to rub it into his chest, covering his nipples and lower stomach, at least what wasn’t covered in bathwater. He whined a little at your touch and you chuckled.

“You’re awfully sensitive.”

“I haven’t been touched at all in hundreds of years,” Bram deadpanned, “I physically couldn’t have been touched.”

You gripped his chin with your sudsy hand and brought it to level with yourself.

“I love you, Bram.”

Bram let a small smile escape his lips, and he leaned down to kiss you. The kiss was gentle, pleading, and generous. He closed his eyes once his lips made contact with yours, as did you. You two stayed like that for a while until Bram moved his hand to rest on your hip, and you began to gently play with his hair. You pulled away to breathe, and Bram gripped your shoulders and pulled you back into the kiss.

You could hear Bram mumble a “no..” under his breath, seemingly saying no to you pulling away from him. You stuck it out for as long as you could before you laid your hands on his chest and pushed him away gently, the soap covering it now running down and collecting at the rim of the water.

“Sorry, Bram. I don’t have the literally inhuman stamina you do.”

“Ah,” Bram responded, recognizing your reasoning. “I forget that I can hold my breath longer than the average human.”

You caught your breath, and Bram grabbed the loofah that was floating in the water to bring it to your naked body, rubbing it along your shoulders, collarbones and your chest. You appreciated the intimacy. He cupped water in his hands and dropped it along your shoulders, watching the soap drip down your body and land in the water, almost sizzling away once it made contact. You began to reciprocate, washing off what hadn’t fallen down his body already.

Eventually, you had both washed each other's hair and bodies completely, although it took longer than normal as you both took breaks in between many of your actions to kiss and caress each other. There was only one thing left, and Bram knew exactly what it was.

“Ah— dear, it’s sensitive..”

Bram whined, your movements causing a pleasurable buzz to be sent to his brain. You were currently jerking Bram off, bringing water up every now and then to wash it off.

“Now, you see, Bram, you aren’t supposed to use soap down there. It could irritate it.

“Alright, understood.” Bram barely got out. You liked this side of him. He was strangely submissive. Obedient, if you will.

Bram was so sensitive, it didn’t take very long for him to come all over your hand with a loud moan and shaking thighs.

“Now, look at the mess you made..” you trailed off, bringing your hand to Bram’s lips.

“Clean it up, Bram.” You demanded.

His movements stuttered, but he reluctantly opened his mouth and grabbed your wrist. He licked your hands clean, tasting himself on his tongue, and you kissed him to taste him too.

“You taste sweet.”

Bram looked away from you, so you grabbed his wrist, and he turned to see what you were doing. You brought his hand down into the water.

“Why don’t you help me out, too?” You questioned.

Bram smirked, then moved his hand away.

“I think I have a better way of going about that.” Bram said as he dove his head down, his head now underwater. You knew he had more stamina than you, but you were still worrisome, so you lifted his head up by his chin.

“I love the idea of that, but shouldn’t we do that outside of the bath? You might drown.”

“I can hold my breath for up to eleven minutes. I learned when some village folk attempted to drown me in 1897.”

You bursted out laughing.

“What’s funny?” Bram questioned, looking up at you from his position of resting on his elbows below you.

“Nothing, it’s just—you went from being a menacing vampire who overruled society to..this.”

Bram smiled up at you, then moved his hand to play with your clit, and you whined, gripping the railing of the tub.

“Are you convinced?”

“Well..” You trailed off.

Bram looked at you, awaiting an answer. Not moving an inch lower.

“Fine, but you better do a good job if you wanna be done before you run out of air.”

Bram nodded, and dove his head back down, his hair floating to the top of the bath. If there was one thing Bram was good with, it’s his tongue. After all, it was about all he could use for a very, very long time. He knew just how to touch you, and you tried to ignore how much practice he must’ve had to have gotten this good.

Your sounds were muffled from his point of view, but he could faintly see your mouth open from where he was, the glare of the bathroom lights reflecting against the water making it difficult to see. He moved his tongue to lap up the precum gripping onto your heat despite the water washing most of it off. It appears your slick is more dense than water, as small amounts of it was staying in place. He teased along your outer lips, then your inner lips, before finally moving along your hole, feeling it clench around nothing. He moved his tongue up to give small kitten licks to your clit, relishing in the way your thighs tensed around his head. The touch he was giving you was gentle, but Bram was going feral from the way your thighs quickly clenched around his head, making him move his mouth around your clit to vigorously suck on it, and you bucked your hips into his mouth, gripping him to pull him closer to your heat, and he could faintly hear you moaning from above the water. He moved his hands up to circle your inner thighs, and moved his tongue down to your hole, tongue fucking you. The movements of his tongue were slow and calculated, as they always were. He gradually switched between sucking your clit and fucking you on his tongue, and whenever he switched he would move his hands to either finger you or rub circles on your thighs, depending on what he was doing.

The way you clenched your thighs around his head and pulled his hair made him bring a hand down to jerk himself off, desperate from the way your body language spoke to him. You finally came, and it only took him about four minutes.

He could faintly see your cum taint the water, so he moved his head up, breathing heavily as he rested his head on your shoulder.

“Hey, I thought you said you could hold your breath long enough..”

“I said I can, not that I should.” Bram kept breathing heavily.

“Bram..” you gently scratched his scalp to calm him down, and once he caught his breath again, he took the opportunity to kiss your collarbones and shoulders, refraining from biting you.

Oh, the things he would do if he was able to bite you without turning you into some mindless, bloodthirsty animal. He instead settled for grazing his teeth over your shoulders, but light enough for it to tickle more than anything, and definitely not drawing any blood. You whined at his movements, wrapping your legs around his hips, and he sat up, grabbing your hips so you’d go up with him, making you hover over him. He laid his back against the side of the tub, and you got the signal, so you jerked him off a few times before dipping yourself down slowly. This is the first time you two were doing anything past him giving you head, as at the time, that’s all he really could do.. and you’d be lying if you said you weren’t nervous. He’d had hundreds of years of experience, and you wondered how you could compare. But if anything, Bram was twice as nervous. He hadn’t had sex in so long he could guarantee he was extremely rusty, and sensitive. He knew he wouldn’t last long.

Regardless, you continued lowering yourself down until you were linked by the hilt, and you felt full. But you also felt so happy to be linked with him. You let out small whines, his size getting to you. Once you two get more practice with one another, you could figure out how much foreplay you’d need to not be in pain, but for now, the sting is tolerable.

“It’s shockingly clean.” you remarked, laughing.

“Well, it is brand new..” he replied, and you bursted out laughing, and Bram looked at you funny before chuckling along with you.

“I swear, you say the funniest things sometimes. But I am curious,” you looked down at where you two were linked, “does it look the same as it did before? Or is it like a new and improved situation?”

“I believe it looks the same, but I don’t remember exactly what it looked like.”

“Damn, I guess you were just born lucky.”

Bram lifted an eyebrow,

“What do you mean?”

You leaned down to kiss him, before lifting your hips up slowly.

“It’s very pretty. Just like you.”

Bram always melted at your praise, and you knew this. His grip on you tightened, before he pushed you down onto his length all the way again, and you let out a loud moan.

“O-oh, God, Bram—”

He kept his grip on your hips, pulling you up and down, before thrusting his hips to meet you halfway.

You slowly gained more control over your actions again, he was still pulling you up and down, but you wrapped your thighs around him tighter, going along with the actions, moving yourself up and down with him. He moved his face forward to kiss and lick your nipples, and you cried out. He used his dominant hand to help you keep your balance, and used his other hand to toy with your clit, and the overstimulation really got to you, making you almost cry a few times. Bram on the other hand, was actually crying. He was so overwhelmed, in the best way possible. He hadn’t felt this sort of touch in so long, and here you are, being his saving grace. It also simply felt very, very good. He could feel that he was close, and he sped up his actions inside of you, before cumming inside of you. His hips slowed, and he felt overstimulated, but he simply couldn’t leave you unsatisfied, so he took a deep breath and kept going at it. The overstimulating feeling made him cry out, his mouth no longer connected to your chest.

In total, he had managed to come two more times before you finally did. As he predicted, he wouldn’t last long. His cock had turned an angry shade of red of the overstimulation, but he didn’t care. He simply needed you to come. And once he finally did, he moved his hands away to grip the sides of the tub, breathing heavily. You two sat there for a short amount of time, before you lifted yourself off, mostly his, and a little of your cum dripped out of you and into the water and onto his stomach.

Your thighs gently shook, and before you could move any further, he gripped your shoulders and pulled you down to kiss him, and he moved his hand down to toy with your clit.

“I need.. I need you to come at least one more time.”

You wordlessly connected your lips to his, diving your tongue inside of his mouth, licking along his bottom lip every now and then. You gripped his arm tightly whenever he rubbed your clit in a particular way that made you go crazy, before he moved his fingers to tease your entrance, kissing you desperately. He placed two fingers inside of you, curling them and dragging along your walls, still playing with your clit with his thumb. You had come twice only a few minutes earlier, so it didn’t take you long to come with a silent scream. You grabbed his wrist, pulling it up so he couldn’t touch you anymore, the overstimulation getting to you. You wordlessly licked his fingers clean, and he watched you, the sight making him hard yet again. Once his fingers were clean, you intertwined your fingers with his, licking along his neck desperately, then kissing him again.

Needless to say, you two went at it even longer, and once you two were done you were both shaking and trembling in each other's hold, your breathing heavy.

“I love you, B-Bram—” you slurred your words, but Bram got the idea. You loved the way he tightly gripped your arms. By this point, his cock was a bright shade of red, desperate for him to give it a break, his body relieved to get what it needed. Your bodies were sweaty, in need of being washed all over again, so you simply turned around and dove under the water, letting the soapy water coat your entire body, washing off your sweat. You turned back around to kiss Bram, but he held you in place with your back facing him, and he kissed your shoulders, resisting the urge to nibble on your skin. You leaned back, allowing yourself to rest on Bram’s chest. His heart wasn’t beating. As it never was, but yours was, and rapidly at that.

Bram always found comfort in your heartbeat. Something about feeling or hearing it calmed him down, it’s similar to the way that ever since he’s gotten his body, he’s been resting his finger under your nose so he could see if you were still breathing. He did this any time you slept. His hands often gently touched your upper lips, waking you up, but you didn’t mind. In fact, you found it cute.

Bram rested his hand on your chest, partially just to grope you but also so he could feel your heartbeat against his hand.

You two simply sat there like that for some time, relishing in each other's presence. You had washed Bram off again, and he was petting your washed hair. Over time, you two began to talk to each other again, and the conversation managed to get to Bram talking about his past stories from his prime when he was a vampire who overpowered everyone, even royalty.

“I’ve met many people in the history books, and in my personal opinion, not many of them have as remarkable of a personality as the books make them out to be.” Bram commented, and you smirked, turning towards him.

“Do you know how long you’ll be alive for?”

Bram went silent. He tried to forget it, but he was commonly reminded of how in a short amount of time, he’d be gone again. You’d be long gone by the time Bram finally met his end.

“Bram?” You waved in front of his face.

“Apologies. Because my ability is genetic, I noticed that most of my family lives for about 300 years. I’ve been alive for 190 of it.”

“Really?” You looked bittersweet, but you quickly pushed the sad feelings back.

“Our relationship is anything but conventional, but I think we can make it work.”

Bram raised an eyebrow at you, tightening his grip around your waist.

“Well, we won’t have much time together, but we can enjoy what we will have.”

Bram sat silently, taking in your words.

“That’s a nice sentiment, but I doubt I could bring myself to live without you for that long. I’d go mental.”

You began to toy with Bram’s hair, before you turned around and kissed him deeply, the kiss was meaningful and loving, and Bram shamelessly gripped the back of your hair to keep you in place, before you pulled away.

You two were silent for some time again, but then Bram had an idea.

“Wait..wasn’t that Dostoevsky man after the page of that book?”

You nodded.

“Now the Armed Detective Agency has it. If they have any space left on that page, perhaps we could negotiate for them to write down that I’ll become human.”

You jolted up, and looked at Bram.

“Would that really work?”

“Most likely.”

You hugged Bram tightly, resting your face on his chest.

“If we did that..” Bram trailed off. He was embarrassed to say it, but he simply had to tell you his plans for if this worked out.

“If we did that, me, you, and Aya could all be like a family. A normal family.”

Your heart melted at his words. Despite everything, all he really wants is to be like a father to Aya, and a husband to you. You kissed his chest, before pulling away and wordlessly draining the bath, Bram looking at you confused.

“We might as well try to convince them now! No point in waiting.”

You stepped out of the bath and wrapped a towel around your body, Bram soon following and doing the same.

“You’re rather motivated.” Bram remarked.

You smiled and looked at Bram, his new body completely devoid of the many scars you were sure he had before his body was detached, because he had completely regenerated.

You sat down in your kitchen and wrote down your plans on how to convince the Armed Detective Agency, and Bram nodded and made remarks or criticisms every now and then, brainstorming your plan to perfection. Bram was so in love with you, even the way your hand drifted across the paper with the pencil so effortlessly. Even your handwriting was captivating.

He wasn’t sure if these plans were going to work out, but he was determined to figure something out.

He would figure something out.

He simply had to.

Wc - 3.9k

Hope you enjoyed:)

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for vague posting about my ex after he got me an expensive but upsetting gift?

I (23 m) and my ex (22 m) have only been separated from our 2 year long relationship for a few months now. I was the one who broke things off and I wanted to stay friends, however, for reasons I feel are obvious, this was super difficult for him. We went a while without talking regularly, and he was often very upset with me and short, and would vague me online (very privately). It made me really upset to be treated that way but I didnt say anything since he was grieving and processing our breakup. About a month into our split, my service cat passed I was extremely distraught and upset, like this was my best friend and it was so sudden, I was unstable from grief, but he reached out with his condolences and I really appreciated it. We talked more and seemed to be reconnecting and I was super excited about it. I came over to him to help him fix his car, picked him up from the airport, etc. I had missed him so much and were finally hanging out again!! I had been grieving quietly for another month when, while I'm petsitting his cats for him, he tells me about a gift he left for me. I open it to a letter saying that basically he was having a hard time getting over our breakup and that he didnt know if hed ever be over it, but he was sorry for my recent loss. I unpackaged the gift to reveal one of those 3D felted cat portraits of my late best friend. It was too much for me to see him in 3D again and I started sobbing and freaking out immediately. I texted him thanking him for the gift, but saying it was too soon for me to have recieved it, but I didnt elaborate much on that for fear he'd be upset that his gift has hurt me. I didn't have many other people to personally reach out to about my grief. My friends all seriously disliked this guy for most of my relationship with him (he had done some really upsetting shit to me several times before he was medicated and they thought he was bad for me) and I didnt want to talk shit about him like theyd want to, I like this guy a lot... I also posted privately online that I had recieved a gift (not saying what it was, not saying who it was from) that I wasnt ready to get and that it was sending me into a grief spiral again. I didnt use his name because I worried people would comment to talk shit about him and he would see. Well a friend of mine made a comment saying that whoever gave it to me should have thought more about how I would feel to recieve it. I responded basically telling my friend that I wasnt upset about the gift giver, just the gift itself had caused me to relive some stuff I wasnt ready for. But my ex saw and reached out to me saying "oh so your friends think I'm a bad person? I can take the gift back then." Which I tried to argue that I really loved the gift and that I didnt think he was a bad person. I showed him that I had disagreed with my friend, and rhat I wasnt venting about a good thing he did for me, but rather the post was more about my grief for the loss of my pet. The argument basically ended with me saying that I felt I needed to be totally emotionally sterile for his comfort and wasnt allowed to feel my grief publicly, and him saying that I could feel grief but I shouldnt have vagued him because then people could freely comment and judge him since he was nameless in the post. I deleted my post and agreed with him that I probably shouldnt have made the post at all, I apologized and hoped we could move on, but he replied with "dont talk to me" and blocked me on the social media where I made the post. I ended up reaching out again a few days ago (a week from our fight) to apologize for having gone too far during our argument and suggesting we meet in person to talk. He told me that our argument had made him the most manic he had ever been and that he appreciated the option to talk it out in person but he was very angry that I would treat him like that after saying I wanted to maintain a friendship. I apologized again, saying I wish we could be nicer to each other and we havent talked since.

(I'm trying to keep this as neutral as possible, all my friends are on my side but I still feel like it might be because they just never liked him...)

What are these acronyms?

[secretdestinypainter]

Healing up with my broken heart:

“This is a good sign, having a broken heart. It means we have tried for something.” ~Elizabeth Gilbert

A long long time ago one of my closest friends Emily, went through a very terrible life experiencing a relationship, I Emily, went through my last breakup a few years ago. I thought I had paid my dues, cried my share of tears, and dealt with some deep wounds. I thought I was done. I was happy and in love, and talking about moving in with my friend.

One day we took a little vacation. We laughed and explored the desert excitedly talking about our dreams. Three days later I found myself sobbing on the floor of my tub, hot steam clouding around me.

Our breakup was quite beautiful aside from the shock and confusion. We looked into each other’s eyes. We smiled. We cried. We held each other. We said goodbye.

It might sound like we handled this well, and in many ways we did. We always respected one another. We never said anything hurtful or manipulative. I think that shows how much we loved and cared for one another.

But I was still a mess, deeply heartbroken and deeply depressed. It was the deepest depression I’d ever been in. I could do little more than cry and stare at the ceiling. Nothing in me wanted to stay in bed and nothing in me wanted to get out. It felt like torturous limbo with a crushing weight on my chest.

My mind couldn’t comprehend a day when I wouldn’t feel like this. Each night I fell asleep I prayed the morning would be different. But each day I woke up with a pang in my stomach and a heaviness in my heart.

Until one day I didn’t.

It wasn’t a miracle. My pain didn’t disappear in my sleep. But I started to feel better. The first day I was able to eat a little more. The next day I found myself laughing with a friend. I slowly started to be able to sleep longer hours and function more clearly. It was a snail’s pace, but it was progress.

If you’re going through a breakup right now the truth is that it will get better.

I needed to hear this over and over again from other people. When the pain is so intense it takes over everything. It’s very difficult to believe anything will change. I would call my mom in the mornings sobbing into the phone, “It still hurts. It’s not getting any better. Why does it still hurt?”

It’s supposed to hurt. Your heart is broken. You loved deeply, and now it’s over. One side of the coin is that endings are really sad. The other side is that endings are opportunities for new beginnings, and that’s really exciting, even if you can’t feel the excitement right now.

It was difficult for me to see that I was making any progress so I documented my days over those weeks. I found that there were five key things that helped me begin to heal:

I felt all the feelings.

I took advantage of my support system.

I gave myself love and compassion.

I took responsibility for my life.

I focused on me instead of him.

I can’t emphasize enough how important it is to allow yourself to grieve when your heart is broken.

Our bodies are intelligent. They can hold trauma for a lifetime. When we sob so deeply our chests heave and the tears fly out, our bodies are purging the pain. Allow this to happen. I was so tired of crying, but I would keep on doing it as I needed. I actually cried a little a few hours ago. It lessens. The pain lessens. I assure you this.

There were two or three people who were my everything during my lowest low. I used their support to get me through all of the times when I just wanted to give up on my life. I talked things through incessantly, something that can help us come to terms with the situation. Our minds need to process the change, especially if it was traumatic or sudden.

It’s really important that these are people who understand you, who are capable of being there for you in this way, and who are nonjudgmental. Someone who is going to say to you, “Honey, I am so sorry you feel like this. My heart breaks for you.” Not all of our friends and family are capable of taking on that role, and that’s okay. You just need one or two.

Through these first two steps I started to gain my own strength and identity back. I got to a point where I knew that only I could pull myself up out of it. I had enough moments of clarity through my pain that I was able to see what I needed to do for myself, and I gave myself so much love.

I honored myself and acknowledged that my heart was broken. I didn’t judge myself for being weak or stress out about being low functioning. I just let myself fall into my own arms.

I treated myself like my own daughter. I asked how I was feeling and listened to the response with compassion. I kept telling myself, “I am here for you. I am always here for you.” This type of love for myself helped the pain dissipate. It helped me to feel worthy of life again.

I am also someone, probably very similar to you, who is always looking to better myself. Nothing in life is isolated—we’re all connected and affected by one another, so I knew there were deep things about myself to look at.

Instead of focusing on my ex and why he left, I began to look at myself. I questioned what I was doing in my life that left me in relationships where men chronically abandoned me.

I didn’t put pressure on myself to figure it all out, but I allowed the question to be there. I invited the answers to come in as they needed to. I knew that whatever was most obvious was probably not the full picture — and it wasn’t.

Through a candid conversation with a very close friend, I began to discover some of my deepest fears. I realized that when I get very close to people I become afraid I will lose them, something that occurred repeatedly in my childhood.

When someone I was close to share a different perspective than mine, on some deep unconscious level I became threatened, and terrified this was the beginning of the end for us. Ironically, my fears of abandonment contributed to my relationship ending.

This kind of revelation is liberating when there is a lack of clarity in a breakup. I saw myself so much more clearly, and then I looked at the relationship from my ex’s perspective. I saw my newfound self through his eyes, and I understood how he felt. It all made sense.

One of the most important things I did that allowed me to heal was to focus on myself each time I thought of him.

This is especially true if you are not the one who wants to break up. I didn’t reach out to him at all. I gave us each space. I knew seeing him show up on social media would increase the pain so I used all my willpower to stay focused on myself. If I felt the urge to check up on him I reminded myself that I didn’t need to feel any more pain. This was enough.

I think now as a mature adult wouldn’t allow any wrong person to destroy my happiness, my success, and most importantly, my peace of mind. Loving somebody perfect is the best thing we can have and it is the best thing that could happen. But with someone who tried to ruin your abilities is not the right one. Girls you are the strongest creatures and the most valuable persons who exist, don’t let anyone bring you down or let your happiness be destroyed. Take a minute and think about who is the right one for you, more power to you guys.

[mbakuetshurisprincess]

Love for Duties Sake Part 3

AN: Hello loves and happy valentines day! Wow when I say I went literally feral writing this I mean I started writing it last night inspired by my bae @pinkwright and the words just flew out idk. Consider this a valentine's treat from me to you. I hope you all enjoy and MWAH theres a very big kiss for all of you. 

Summary: As the only daughter of Genelia, there were things you just had to do, and marrying the Queen of Wakanda was one of those things.

Pairing: Shuri x Fem!Reader

Warnings: Cussing, guns, mentions of death and grieving, that’s it I think.

Word count: 3,744

Part 1.  Part 2.  Masterlist.  Taglist.

Suggested listening: Kingston - Faye Webster

“Every single word you say makes me feel some type of way It's the thought of you that slightly scares me But it takes my breath away, forget what I was gonna say The day that I met you, I started dreaming Now I write 'em down if I remember in the morning time”

The ride to the restaurant was quick, you didn’t even pay too much attention to your surroundings as you rode in the back of the SUV next to Shuri. Your mind was too preoccupied with what prompted her to ask you to dinner all of a sudden and why the prospect of spending quality time with her made you feel warm on the inside. That was why you didn’t recognize the path you’d traveled countless times until the car was parked right outside and Shuri was helping you out of the car. 

Taking your hand gently in hers as you stepped out, pulling your skirt down to maintain modesty in case any news outlets were there. And of course, they were, but they kept a decent distance away, while they snapped photos of the interaction between you and Shuri; fearful of Okoye, Aneka, and Ayo who flanked you two. Your mind finally made the connection as your eyes read over the name of the restaurant Mamie Bidoche. The same French-inspired quaint restaurant you practically lived in when you spent time in DC. 

“Shuri!” You squealed, overcome with excitement to be back at your favorite restaurant. Joy ran through your body and you couldn’t help but jump a little while you still held her hand. “How did you know about this place? Who told you about it?” 

Shuri wished she could take a photo of you right then and there with her kimoyo beads just so she could savor the genuine smile on your face. This was the smile she didn’t get to see often, the one you seemed to only reserve when talking to everyone except her. At that moment the Queen swore to do whatever she could to make sure that smile never left your face. “You mentioned it once in an interview when we were first courting, our second with Asha I believe.” 

Blush now added to the smile on your face as you recalled the interview. Asha asked where your favorite place to eat in the States was and you replied without hesitation Mamie Bidoche, saying that you’d sell your soul to have a plate of their food again. That was so long ago, how could she remember that? 

And that meant she was paying attention to you at the time too. For a long while you’d assumed Shuri had been zoning out during your interviews, not caring what you had to say until it was time for her to play the part of the doting wife. It was part of the reason you built up a dislike for her early in the relationship. But this disproved all of that, she had been listening. 

“And that one time I asked you for a hair tie, you told me I should light my hair on fire and offered me a matchbox from here,” Shuri added with a laugh for more emphasis on her point. You had forgotten about that time, not your brightest moment but still funny considering everything. 

“You remembered all that?” You asked, your smile had faded into a softer one but Shuri still found it beautiful. Your hand now only connected to hers through your fingertips, both refusing to let go of the other. 

“Of course sthandwa, why wouldn’t I? You’re my wife.” The response Shuri gave you made you almost feel silly for asking the question. 

Words didn’t feel like they could quantify your feelings so you simply wrapped your arms around Shuri’s neck and pulled her in close to you. Your reaction surprised Shuri but instinctively she wrapped her arms around your waist pressing your body against hers. The cameras snapped, capturing the pure moment between you two. Ayo, Aneka, and Okoye all shared a knowing glance, taking this moment as confirmation of Aneka’s previous theory. “Thank you,” You whispered as you pulled away, the soft smile never leaving your face. 

“Nothing to thank me for my love,” Shuri replied, matching your smile. The sound of cameras shuttering reminded Shuri that even though this was a private moment between the two of you, it was subject to be blasted all over the internet at any moment. Plus the sound of one camera that seemed to be clicking more rapidly than others was starting to make her uncomfortable. “Do you maybe want to go inside now?” 

You could sense the nervousness in Shuri’s voice, you couldn’t figure out what brought it on but you wanted to do your best to make it go away. Grabbing her hand you replied with a smile “Yes,” before dragging her into the restaurant with Ayo, Aneka, and Okoye tailing behind. 

The interior looked just as you remembered it, small and homey with a clear view of the kitchen so you could watch your food be prepared and cooked. Typically lunchtime in DC meant this place was packed but strangely no one else was there aside from the chefs and the waiter who guided you to your table. Shuri held out your chair and pushed you in, sitting in the same corner you sat in when you would come all those years ago. 

“Did you have this place shut down?” You ask seriously once Shuri takes her seat across from you at the table. 

Unfolding the napkin into her lap she chuckled. “And what if I did?”

You groan and shoot her a look she’s familiar with, level one annoyance. “Shuri,” You state firmly. “You can’t just buy out a restaurant for the two of us, they’re going to lose money!”

“My love,” Shuri scoffed. “It is not just the two of us. Aneka, Okoye, Ayo.” She called the names of the three Dora’s and they all came to your table in an instant. Quite frankly you sometimes found their haste and devotion a little scary, they were always popping up places in the blink of an eye. 

“Yes, my Queen?” Ayo spoke first. 

You and Shuri maintained eye contact while she spoke to Ayo. You were curious about what she would say and she was determined to prove a point. 

“The three of you grab a table together. Take advantage of this fine cuisine my wife raves so much about.”

Okoye tried to refuse. “Our job is to be focused on you, having a meal would only distract us.” 

This time you spoke up. “Take a break please, all three of you. You work so tirelessly to protect us all the least you could do is eat lunch. On Shuri’s dime of course.” You added the last part in and caught the smile that Aneka tried to fight.

The three women all looked at each other deciding if they were going to comply or not. One swift head nod from Okoye confirmed that you had won them over. All three walked away and sat at a table far enough away to not disturb you but still close enough that they could keep an eye out in case anything went awry.

“Five people are not the same amount of money as a DC lunch rush.” You remarked. Level two annoyance detected.  

“Did you wear that skirt for me?” Shuri asked seemingly ignoring your comment in favor of talking about something she wanted to discuss. 

“What? No, I wore it 'cause I like skirts.” Eying Shuri up and down you continued. “We’re hurting their profit margins, Shuri.”

“I don’t like it when you say my name like that. Shuri.” She repeated the way you said her name. “So much contempt, I used to think you might actually hate me.” 

Your wife's comments made you pause and you took a sip of water while you digested your thoughts. “Shuri,” It came more softly from your mouth this time. “Have you listened to anything I’ve said? We can’t just shut a place down for five people. 

The Queen sighed, as much as she loved her wife's strong will it was times like this that she wished you would just drop things. “Of course, I have listened to what you said, I didn’t just shut the place down. I’m paying double what they normally make per hour for however long we’re here, plus a tip for taking on Ayo, Aneka, and Okoye.” 

“Oh,” You said quietly. 

“Mhm,” Shuri replied, taking a sip of her own water. “Now are you ready to drop this so we can have a nice lunch?” 

“Yes.” 

The conversation flowed well between you and Shuri. She was able to delve into some details about current council debates that were stressing her and you offered your insight on how to best achieve what she was looking for. You made everything seem so simple and Shuri appreciated it in contrast to how she overthought everything. The conversation died down as you two finished the last bites of the meal, savoring every drop of sauce left on your plate. 

Shuri nibbled the inside of her lip and pushed the remaining food around her plate as she watched you. Something was on her mind and you knew it. 

“Out with it already.” You commanded dabbing the napkin at the edge of your mouth. Shuri’s confused face only made you laugh. “This marriage thing means we’ve spent a lot of time together, willingly or unwillingly. I can tell when something is on your mind so spill, let it out.

The young royal shifted in her seat, unaware of how obvious her actions had been. She was so used to being able to pick up on everyone else’s patterns of behavior due to her enhanced abilities but never had someone picked up on hers. Thinking for a moment, she shook her head no. “It’s too personal, I don’t wanna make you uncomfortable. Especially after the beautiful lunch we had.” 

“Shuri, we’re married, if I really don’t want to, I just won’t answer.” Your response was simple and Shuri appreciated that. 

“You um never talk about Genelia?” It came out like a question more than a statement like it was intended. “I noticed that today, when the President’s idiot self brought it up you, seemed almost a little upset. Is there a reason you don’t want to talk about it?” 

You tensed up once Shuri finished her sentence, in all honesty, Genelia was not on your list of topics you wanted to discuss today, or any day for that matter. But the way Shuri spoke, her question seemed genuine like she wanted to really know what happened. 

Clearing your throat you started. “Genelia and I have a complicated relationship, a majority in part due to my parents. I’m sure you know from interviews and just the public perception of me pre us, I hadn’t been home in years. I lived between France and the United States comfortably I might add for the end of my teen years. What you don’t know however is what made me leave for so long.” You paused here allowing yourself to breathe, these aren't memories you revisited often. 

“I know I say a lot that I’m the only daughter of Genelia but that’s technically not true, I’m the only living daughter of Genelia.” 

A look of confusion danced across Shuri’s face, she knew you had plenty of siblings but never had you mentioned a sister. You constantly cracked jokes in interviews about how growing up surrounded by all boys made you tough, so to hear about this mystery sister didn’t quite add up. 

“Her name was Yara and she was only a year older than me. We did everything together, she was my best friend and we didn’t spend a day apart. I mean I think my mother had to get us separate rooms because I would crawl into bed with her at night.” That smile Shuri had seen earlier crept back up on your face as you reminisced on the good times with your older sister. Imagining what she would say if she saw you now all grown up and married. 

“But Yara you know, she was too good for this world I think, that’s the only justification I can come up with. Her little body just wasn’t built to hold all the light she had, she was too much for it. Over the years she became weaker and weaker. And when I was sixteen she uh passed.” The memory of the day she finally passed still stuck out in your mind, how your parents kept you from her until the last minute. How you sat and held all of your tears because you knew Yara didn’t like to see you cry. Her death had been a long drawn-out process and it had been painful to watch your sibling slowly deteriorate.  

“My parents didn't really know how to let me grieve like I should’ve been able to. We fought almost every day, just over the stupidest shit. Eventually, they pulled me aside and said I was becoming a bad influence on my younger siblings, that I used Yara’s death as an excuse to act up.” Your voice got quieter as you continued speaking. “My parents told me they had other children to raise, other children to help grieve and I was getting in the way of that. They sent me to France the very next morning.” 

Shuri looked at you with the first expression of hers that you couldn’t track. There was a sadness in her eyes but the corners of her lips were tight as if she was mad. “I am sorry to have made you dredge up something so personal, sthandwa.” Reaching across the table she took your hand in hers rubbing it soothingly. “Yara sounds like she was a beautiful girl and an amazing older sister. I am sorry that your parents didn’t allow you to grieve her properly, I know how important that process is.”  

At that moment, looking Shuri in her eyes while she held your hand in hers, you never felt closer to her. Not when you two shared your first kiss in front of millions on your wedding day, not during the countless interviews you too had done, not even during the rare times you did share a laugh when you were both home. No, none of those times compared to the connectedness you experienced with your wife at that moment. It scared you how being this connected made you want to be vulnerable to Shuri, you couldn’t let that happen, to tell all of your secrets to her after just one dinner. 

You broke eye contact and Shuri took that as a sign to pull her hand away from yours. “It’s okay, I’m not as upset as I used to be about it. Honestly, I’ve been thinking I might want to go back someday.” You said the statement so casually but Shuri’s eyes shot up from the table. 

“What?” 

“I think I might wanna go back someday, to Genelia.” You repeated. 

“No, my love, I heard you, I just can’t understand why you would want to go back to a country that treated you so poorly.” Shuri’s comments made sense and you nodded.

“I’m not saying tomorrow Shuri,” You were careful how you said her name remembering her earlier comments. “I just mean before I die you know? I’ve still got siblings over there that I need to repair things with.” 

The morbidity of your comments got Shuri’s eyes rolling but she understood your sentiment nonetheless. The end of your comment piqued her interest but she decided against asking as she had already made you delve into your personal life. The queen allowed a few beats to pass, just admiring your beauty before she spoke, “I have to say entle I enjoyed this dinner with you.” 

Shuri’s comments made you smile from ear to ear. “Thank you lovely, I did too.” 

Lovely? That was the first honorific you had ever used for her when a camera wasn’t present. Shuri couldn’t help the blush that crept onto her cheeks, you thought she was lovely? 

“A shame it has to come to an end though, maybe we could do this more when we’re back home?” Shuri asked the question hesitantly as she rose from her chair holding her hand out to you. 

Now it was your turn to blush. The idea of getting to spend quality time with Shuri, uninterrupted like you just did, was a dream you honestly thought was never going to be possible. You took her hand as you stood. “I would love that, but who says that we have to end it here?” 

“What do you mean?” Shuri asked, still holding onto your hand. 

“Yes, what do you mean my Queen?” Okoye was very quickly approaching you and Shuri with Aneka and Ayo flanking either side of her. Shit, trying to convince Shuri of your plan would be easy, but getting it passed those three would be a difficult process. 

“I just mean there's a walk-up ice cream shop, not even a block from here. Like literally right up the street. You batted your eyelashes at Shuri. “We could all get ice cream before we go, my treat!” 

Shuri laughed at you and you couldn’t tell if it was because the idea of you paying for something was comical or if it was because you thought Okoye was going to go for it. 

“No,” Okoye answered simply, blinking at you unfazed by the puppy dog eyes you were trying to give her. “The area hasn’t been swept; there is no way for us to ensure your safety.” 

“And we’ve been in one unsecure location for too long, our whereabouts could be known by anyone at this point,” Ayo added to strengthen Okoye’s point. 

“It was secure enough for all of us to have a meal.” You argued back, the taste of the insane flavor combinations the shop was known to mix up already on your tongue. “It’s a Mom and Pop ice cream shop, just one scoop and we’re done!” 

Shuri shifted in her heels, rocking back and forth trying to decide if this was worth it. On the one hand, Okoye and Ayo were right, her last-minute decision to take you out here had caused a lot of disruptions to their normal security protocol. And the pictures that had been taken of you two had surely already made their round through the internet meaning your location was public. It was a risky idea. But on the other hand there you were, blinking up at her with your beautiful brown eyes, the ghost of that smile appearing on your lips as you anticipated her response. How could she say no to that? 

“One scoop can’t hurt can it?” She turned to Okoye who stared back at Shuri dumbfounded. 

“My queen, I cannot advise that this is the safest decision.” Okoye was always honest with Shuri. “But if you two insist, we can do ONE scoop in a cup for you to take back on the jet. Deal?” 

You squealed in excitement for the second time in the day. “Thank you thank you thank you!” You repeated the statement over and over to Shuri and Okoye who watched you with boredness and amusement respectively. 

The three women escorted you and Shuri out of the restaurant after Shuri had paid, you watched her leave a healthy tip on both of the tables before leaving. Just as you promised right up the block there was an ice cream shop with just two windows, one to order and the other one to pick up your cone. You stood reading over the menu, mulling over what you were going to get when Okoye’s voice cut in. 

“You two hurrying up would be ideal. I do not like how exposed we are right now.” Okoye stood directly next to Shuri, while Aneka and Ayo had disappeared, presumably protecting you and Shuri from other areas of attack. 

Hearing Okoye’s words, Shuri wrapped her hand around your waist and gently pushed you in front of her so that her back was to the street and you were shielded. The gesture made you blush, she was always so protective of you. 

“I’ll have one scoop of your double chocolate coffee crunch in a cup please.” You said to the white man behind the counter who gave you a curt nod. His being there felt a little funny to you, you could have sworn this was a black-owned business who specialize in hiring specifically previously incarcerated black people. Although to be fair it had been years since you’d been there, their policies could have changed due to demand or the job market. 

“And I’ll have just a scoop of your chocolate please, in a cup as well,” Shuri added in behind you before placing her card to pay before you could bring yours out. She quelled your protests with a quick kiss on your forehead. 

You two stood off to the side while you waited for your ice cream. Shuri’s arms had now moved to rest around your neck, pulling you against her once again with her chin resting on top of your head. Take full advantage of the height difference between you two even though it wasn’t that big. You felt safe like this, wrapped up in her. 

The bell dung signified your order was ready and before Shuri could move to get it, you were already slipping out of her arms making your way over to pick it up. All of your attention was on Shuri as you turned away from the counter and stuck your tongue out at her. Earning a laugh from your wife, one of your favorite sounds.

You turned back to take the cups from the man but were instead met by the barrel of a gun aimed directly at you. Fear overtook you and the most you could get out was “Shuri!” before two shots rang out hitting you in the abdomen. 

Everything seemed to move in slow motion after that, your body fell back against the concrete with a harsh thud. You blinked and Shuri was at your side, hands pressing kimoyo beads into your stomach. Another blink and you saw Okoye jumping through the window at the counter in an attempt to apprehend the man who had so carelessly tried to take your life. Your wife was speaking to you in jumbled sentences, mixtures between Xhosa and English. The recurring sentence you could make out was her plea to you,

 “Stay with me.” 

Taglist: @shuriszn @sokkasbae25 @verachii @cuddl3s4shur1 @takeyaki @jinnie10101 @letitias-fav @sweetalittleselfish-honey @beautybyfire @6-noir @mocha-aya @yvxmpire @mysticalmarss @ziayamikaelson @youralphawolf72 @n7cje @inmyheadimobsessed @shurisjournal @shurisbigtoe @saintwrld @pinkwright @chatitajens @playhousedistee @motheroffae @injeolmiee @tchhairbandhere 

[sometimes-men-need-help-too]

So usually, I will discuss posts from reddit and provide screenshots but today I just wanna discuss the post itself. Most of the commenters are calling her out anyway

I'm reusing this throwaway to again avoid connection to my main.

I (38F) have been dating my current boyfriend (36M) for about 2 years now. It's very difficult for me to make long term commitments like this because of issues I've had growing up and with past relationships - however we've been making things work despite my baggage for the most part.

We hit a roadblock in our relationship a week and a half ago. My bf has his own familial baggage: to sum up without going into the nitty gritty his biological mom left him when he was young. They reunited half a year or so ago - and I guess things went ok there? A little bit over a week ago she passed away, and surprisingly he's taken it way harder than I expected. This is the first time I've seen him cry - and to be honest I hate it. I've done my fair share of crying over my years but I've grown past that phase and in the present I'm not sure I enjoy having that energy around.

Things got worse when he found out his bio mom's family would not let him attend her funeral. Because of this, he hasn't worked since to "take his own time to mourn". I've tried to talk to him about it as I don't get why he's exahausting so much effort to mourn someone who has barely been in his life. He's gotten angry with my reaction but he does know I'm not fit to deal with what he's doing at the moment because of my own experiences.

Now that it's been over a week I've grown both worried and annoyed about the situation. I had a sit down with him and another friend two nights ago to talk to him. I'm not one to hold back so I outright told him to just get over the whole thing already and how it isn't normal to react this much to someone who had wronged him so much. Our mutual friend wasn't expecting that - and to be precise she completely failed to mediate the talk from then on.

Some time into our fight he started crying - yet again. I was really uncomfortable and I outright demanded he stop. He had to be removed from our home. He's been staying with our friend since then and I've been really confused on how to approach further. Our friend has told me I was being harsh but again he knows how I am and how I deal with negative emotions. Still talking with her further has gotten me thinking about how I handeled things.

Edit - clarifying things.

This isn't about my bf's masculinity. The way he's acting triggers something in me. It brings me back to a dark place - that's the negativity I can't be around.

My boyfriend has been my emotional rock for most of our relationship - this sudden shift in his attitude is also contributed to my reaction to the whole ordeal.

I'm not heartless, as I said I have a very rough way of displaying my emotions. Genuinely I feel concern about how my boyfriend is acting.

This is so messed up

First of all, she had no business judging him for crying. If it truly brings her to a dark place(/her not being fit to deal with it) then she needs to get herself some help (and I'm not saying that to be snarky) instead of being in a relationship. You can't be in a relationship with someone, having them be there for you (in this case, emotionally) but you can't be there for them. It isn't fair at all. He can't just be her emotional rock while she doesn't do anything in return.

She also has no business judging him for why he's mourning. He's obviously torn up about it. Maybe he's mourning for the relationship he didn't get to have. Maybe they planned on further patching things up. Whatever it is, she has no right to act like he shouldn't be grieving, especially when she knows he isn't even allowed to attend the funeral.

And then for her to become annoyed--not cool, not okay. How do you just tell someone, a week after their loved one passed, to get over it? How? You don't just suddenly become okay again after a little bit of time passes by. Grief is hard and can be overwhelming. It's harder if you're in a situation like this with an unsupportive S/O.

The kicker is that she demanded him to stop crying and kicked him out. That is abhorrent.

[greenerteacups]

hi GT! 🩷 just finished devouring the last update, i'm living for this marriage of impending doom brought by the unspeakable dolores umbridge, and the lovelae reminder of how i cannot ever miss high school, brought about by that lovely scene in the great hall! god forbid hermione stay near draco's kneecaps again 😭

anyway, i wanted to share an excerpt from book three, that remains–to this day –my favorite passage from your masterpiece. at the risk of oversharing, i lost my mum a few years ago. these lines reminded me of our complicated, but still very much full-of-love relationship. i also think, if i may, this is the last interaction between narcissa and draco before the themes grow darker. and you did follow this up with the loveliest tribute to narcissa malfoy i have ever read, with your opening swan song that came as the first chapter of book four. anyway, thanks for helping me deal with my grief, GT 🩷 from the bottom of my heart, you are a blessing to your readers and i hope you know that 🥹

– from the final chapter of book three –

“Mother, I really would prefer you cut to the quick and gouge my ears off. This is cruelty.”

“But you understand, darling, don’t you? And you will be careful?”

“I’m always careful,” he said, stung, “and — anyway, I’m a Malfoy. I can do as I like.”

“I’m sure you can,” she said quietly.

This had the effect of a bludger to the back of the head, when he had been expecting one to come from the front.

“What do you mean?”

“Oh, you’re tall,” she said. “I forgot how tall boys get, at your age. We have to get you new robes, your ankles are showing, it’s an affront to the family. I’m sure the tailor is still open. What do you think? A quick run to Diagon Alley, and then dinner in London? We can even catch a show, afterward, if you’d like.”

“I’m flattered that you bother to ask me, as if you didn’t buy out a box last week.”

“Aha! You caught me. I wanted an evening with my special boy. You must escort me to Azkaban, for my terrible crimes.”

He sighed and let her take his arm. “Just the first act.”

She patted his wrist. “Oh, the first two, darling. The first two, surely. Everyone knows the first act is only setting the stage for Act Two.”

“Just two, then, and no more. I’m dead tired from the train, and I haven’t the patience for yodeling men in tights.”

“Yes, two, of course. Goodness gracious, will any of these bellhops deign to take your trolley, or shall I have to Summon one from the States? I hardly recognize this place, it’s so overrun. Hello? Yes, you, there — do you imagine my son ought to carry this himself?”

They would be there through the very last note, for certain, but his mother would manage it slowly, in increments — “Oh, darling, just ten more minutes, until this progression resolves” — and he would be dead on his feet by the time the last one finished. Narcissa could be neither outwitted nor outlasted in a contest of wills. That was alright, though. The intermission would give him time to catch up on Runes. And if he finished that, he could get started on his first letter: Dear Granger. It’s a lovely evening, here at the Royal Wizarding Opera, and I regret to inform you of your impending defeat. I will accept tribute by way of praise, tears, and long-form odes to my brilliance, which you may submit by owl post with your next letter…

It was a mild, soft blue evening, and Wizarding London lay under a silver film of smoke and industrial blear. The streetlamps blazed like the flare of Lumos on the rows of a hundred black wand-tips. Somewhere out in that long dark forest of chimneys, there was a girl with her Runes textbook balanced open on her lap, reading furiously. And somewhere in the Scottish highlands, there was a castle waiting for him to come home.

–

Your comment really spoke to me. I hope that in your grieving process you receive all the compassion, time, and patience you need to move forward and be well. It's an incredible compliment to have provided a resource for such a loss. There's so much I want to say about Narcissa and Draco, but I'm going to hold myself back and let the rest of Book 5 play out, and hopefully that will speak for me better than I can here. Anyway, my kindest wishes to you, and thank you for reaching out. It means more than you know.

[awoooooooooooooooo]

Basically had a 2-3 day long emotional meltdown because ermm mistakes were made feelings were hurt while navigating a new scary situation with my wife and her new girlfriend 😭 long post talking about that under the read more

We've been poly for 5 out of 7 years of our relationship but this situation hadn't come up yet. Bc my wife has barely dated at all this whole time tbh lol.

But we both stupidly assumed that it would be fine, like we didn't really sit down and talk about feelings or expectations or boundaries before this situation (her gf coming to stay the night at my home while I'm there), bc we're like, we've been poly for a long time, we talked about this stuff years ago. Ive been having casual sex a lot and whatever. So it's all good, like we're all good. Ssssoooooo wrong could not be more wrong. So so so dumb of both of us. Dumb of me to ignore my own feelings and needs, and dumb of my wife to not check in with me about that stuff, and other mistakes she made during this that caused pain for me... (That I forgive her for)

The worst part was how bad it hurt, seeing them together and being affectionate. Like doubled over, clutching my chest, heaving sobbing uncontrollably kind of hurting. The feelings it brought up were so intense and scary. I started to worry that I'm not actually polyamorous, bc it hurt so bad and I was so scared it was never going to stop. But we talked a lot, and I spilled so so much vulnerable shit, stuff that I didn't even realize I was still struggling with, stuff that I was avoiding dealing with or even thinking about. I connected my feelings to traumatic memories with my parents, my past relationships, my old friends, and it started to make sense... It hurt so bad because it felt like all my worst fears were coming true, and all the negative beliefs I held about myself that I was working on in therapy were actually all true, and my wife is going to leave me when she realizes she can do better, and that I'm actually bad and unlovable and broken and just not good enough. WHEW!!!!!!! That's a lot of shit to deal with, hitting me all at once, and because of the circumstances I couldn't talk to my wife about how I was feeling for like... 12 hours. (Although I could have, but I was so scared of intruding on her time with her girlfriend, which actually wouldn't have been a problem, but yet another thing we should have thought to discuss beforehand lol) I think it makes perfect sense why I felt the way I did. I think that my wife and I both made dumb mistakes that led to that hurt and it could have been avoided or mitigated. But in the end the hurting was mostly all about me, and my insecurities and trauma, and a little bit of mistakes my wife made that she recognized and apologized for, and as I work thru that, the feeling of dread about my wife loving someone else is starting to go away. Because I love her very much, and I know she loves me very much, I trust her completely when she tells me that she's committed to me for the rest of our lives. And I know how it feels to love her so so much, and also love another person, and how my feelings for her and other people I care for are totally separate and I never compare her to others or anything like that.

But god I really truly was not prepared for how that felt and how much it hurt. For days. Like I haven't felt like that since my cat died. I think I really was going thru the stages of grief, grieving the loss of having my wife completely to myself, grieving for my younger selves who were hurt so so badly that it still hurts today and I haven't really been there for those parts of me. Clearly. The good thing is that now that I've spilled my heart out to my wife and talked through this stuff and identified where the hurt is coming from, I can go to my therapist and be like. Hey. This dug up a lot of shit that clearly I have been avoiding working on. And she will help me work through it. And then I'll be even healthier, stronger emotionally, and happier. And my wife will be happier too, having her new girlfriend and me both loving her and supporting her, and me working on this stuff can only be good for our relationship..

It was all really scary and painful but now that the pain is subsiding I can see how it's going to be good for us. And I love being polyamorous! Before this happened I genuinely was so happy for my wife! And her gf, because I know my wife is so wonderful and loving and I know she makes her gf really happy like she does for me. It made me think of all the people I see saying that polyamory is like .. fucked up, it can't work in the long run, it's not natural, etc... and I thought about how those people may have felt similar to how I was feeling, that horrible painful feeling of betrayal and fear of losing someone you love. But my trust and love for my wife is so strong, idk... I think so many people are terrified of facing those huge scary feelings and finding that the root of it all is their own insecurities and trauma and stuff. It's easy to be like, you hurt me, I'm blaming you and I won't do this anymore to avoid that hurt feeling again. It's really really hard to look inside yourself and be like, am I actually just not wired for this, or do I just have a lot of shit I need to work through. I definitely believe I'm wired for this... AND I have a LOT of shit that I was avoiding that needs to be dealt with now.

I asked my therapist to meet me sooner and she got me rescheduled asap, she's so awesome and such a great therapist. I'm feeling a lot better now and looking forward to working through all of this. And I just love my wife so so so much. Idk I just typed this all up to kinda sort thru my shit before my appointment LOL and idk maybe if I have other poly followers that can relate it might be helpful or if anyone has kind words or advice I would really appreciate it 🖤 if anyone reads this whole thing lmao

[jedi-lothwolf]

Winter Whumperland Day 6: Jack Frost (Amnesia)

Fandom: Star Wars The Bad Batch

Summary: After a reg attacked Hunter, he finds he can't remember anything.

  When Hunter woke up, he couldn't remember how he had gotten to this white room. He wasn't sure who these people around him were. He didn't remember anything.

    "Hunter, you're awake!" The tallest  man yelled.

    "Don't yell." The man that talked looked robotic.

    Someone stood nearby. He looked worried but didn't say anything.

    "Who are you?" Hunter asked.

    He watched the tallest man hold back tears. "I'm Wrecker, your brother. Do you not remember?"

    A man with the glasses walked to the other man's side and put a hand in him. "Hunter hit his head extremely hard when he was attacked. Amnesia is not a surprising result."

    The man in the corner spoke up, "I'm going to kill the mother fu-" he was interrupted by the man with glasses.

    "That won't help." He sounded robotic, like his voice should belong to the cyborg standing by the tallest of the group. Still something was comforting about it.

"What's going on?" Hunter asked as he tried to sit up. He noticed how bright the lights were and laid back down for a minute. His head hurt. "What happened?"

"One of the regs hit you with the butt of their gun" hissed the gray hair man.

"Regs?" Hunter wasn't sure why that stood out the most. "What?"

"Let's introduce ourselves. I'm sure it's not very fun being surrounded by a bunch of people you don't know must be unpleasant. I'm Echo. I work with you."

"Alright." Hunter sat up this time. He looked around and shook his head. "Where are we?"

"This is the Kaminoan cloning facility. It is also our home. I am Tech, one of your technically millions of brothers."

"Don't break him" the gray hair man spoke.

"I'm Wrecker! I'm one of your brothers too!"

"Yeah I remember you saying that earlier." Hunter tried to make sense of the knowledge he had. He was a clone. That wasn't the most surprising part. What surprised him the most was how many clones existed. Why did they exist? What purpose had they been made for?

The others looked at the gray haired man, trying to get him to say something. When he didn't, Tech took over. "This is Crosshair. He is also a clone. We are your batch mates and work with you. Echo joined after being turned into that."

Hunter tried to look at Echo. "Okay." Slowing the group explained the war and how he was a sergeant in the army of the Galactic Republic. They explained some of their relationships with him and how they grew up together.

For a long time Hunter felt empty. These people around him had so many memories of him but he barely knew who they were. He watched them grieve over a man who he didn't know; over a man he had been.

It took time. Recovery always takes time. The clone that had caused the trauma to Hunter was never punished. The Kaminoans didn't have the time. Hunter grew strangely close to some regs, despite never liking them before.

The batch started to think he would never remember who he was before. But with never remembering, Hunter could forget the blood and death he had seen before. He could forget all the ways the regs had done them wrong and he was growing a relationship with some of them. He seemed happy.

Then he remembered. Slowly, Hunter had been getting back little memories. Small things like short memories from when he had been younger. But one day he just knew who he had been before.

It had been months. The memories were overpowering. Hunter felt confused and lost. He felt both frozen and on fire. The memories of who he once was seemed like a distant lifetime ago. He remembered he had liked red more then blue and how he hadn't liked lemonade, even though he loved it now.

It was strange. It felt like he was a completely different person now. Hunter liked talking to the regs, or at least most of them. He had known a life that wasn't on a battle field, even if he was preparing for war. His biggest problem had been the regs and not the droids on the other side of the war.

The first thing the man did was tell Echo. He had grown closer to him then before. Soon he told the others. They seemed overjoyed to have their Hunter back but Hunter wasn't so sure. He still liked lemonade and the color blue more than orange juice and red. He still wanted to be friends with the regs he was around.

As time moved on, Hunter got used to being himself again. He felt more confused then anything. At first he wasn't sure that he wanted his memories back. All the death and destruction his two eyes had seen was overwhelming. But he got used to it.

Hunter finally felt normal again. After months and months of not knowing who he was and not know what to do with who he had been, he grew to like the person he was now but also who he had been. He liked knowing about his brothers and who they had been. He learned to cherish his memories. After all, nothing is permanent.

[depressedhouseplant]

Just Fucking Write - Day 54

Prompt: Minkev for Kevin Day!

Tags: Mentions of gun violence, grief & the grieving process

A/N: Happy birthday to our Moonlight Boy. Connected to Day 18 & Cops & Robbers

“Thank you for the flowers,” Kevin said.

“Thank you for making sure I didn’t die in my sleep. And thank you for accepting my dinner invitation,” Mingi smiled a little in return. Kevin shifted in his seat.

“I’ll be honest, I’m really not sure what to do. If you’re looking for a relationship or a boyfriend or something more than just whatever this is, I don’t know if I can give it to you,” Kevin blurted out.

“I’m not sure what I’m looking for either. Mafia trained snipers don’t really have time to date,” Mingi replied.

“And somehow I ended up married to one,” Kevin huffed a laugh.

“I didn’t know him personally, but he seemed like a good guy. At least, as good as guys like us can be,” Mingi reached over and put his hand on top of Kevin’s.

“I miss him every day,” Kevin felt his eyes welling up. Not in public. He couldn’t start crying in public.

“I would too,” Mingi squeezed his hand. “Should I get dinner to go?”

“Please,” Kevin looked down so Mingi couldn’t see his tears. He held Kevin’s hand the entire time getting the food packaged and paying the bill.

“I don’t want to impose, but I also don’t want to just leave you. Would you mind if I came home with you?” Mingi suggested.

“No, that would be nice. I’d like that,” Kevin finally looked up.

”I won’t judge you for crying, you know. Just throwing that out there,” Mingi said when they got outside.

”I really don’t want to cry,” Kevin sniffed. Mingi put his arm around him which is when Kevin realized just how tall and long the other man was.

”Well, I won’t judge you regardless,” he said.

“Thank you,” Kevin tried to smile. He liked the feeling of Mingi’s arm around him. They didn’t say much on the ride back to Kevin’s apartment.

“For later,” Mingi said as he put the food in the fridge. Kevin was slightly embarrassed since he hadn’t cleaned out the fridge of old takeout boxes yet. Looking around all he could see were undone chores because if he wasn’t at the hospital, he was dealing with one of Juyeon’s men getting himself injured. Jacob had been the one to do the chores.

”Sorry for the mess,” Kevin said.

”You’re busy. It happens,” Mingi shrugged. “So how can I help?”

”Help?” Kevin cocked his head.

”Do you need a hug? Someone to just sit with? I don’t really have a huge amount to talk about since I live by myself and don’t really have friends, but I’d like to think I’m a decent listener if you want to vent,” Mingi told him. Kevin considered the other man’s suggestions.

”I think I’d like a hug,” he decided.

”Then a hug it is,” Mingi smiled and wrapped his arms around Kevin. He rested his chin on Kevin’s head as he held him. Of all the things that finally broke him, a hug from almost a total stranger after a failed attempt at a date was not what Kevin would’ve predicted.

”Why? Why did they have to kill him? He didn’t know anything and they did it anyway,” he sobbed.

”Because bad people do bad things because they’re told to. At least, that’s what I’ve seen,” Mingi replied. He carefully steered them to the couch and lied down, holding Kevin on top of him.

”Would you have done it?” Kevin asked.

”Killed someone who didn’t know anything? No,” Mingi replied.

”Even if you were told to?” Kevin continued.

”I know you said you don’t care who I work for, but I work for a man who has no issues killing his own employees for no reason. He lost his moral compass about 30 years ago and a lot of people are rightfully afraid of him. Ignoring the fact entirely I’m worth more alive than dead, I also know better than to kill someone who isn’t a threat. Sometimes that’s hard to tell from the top of a building through a rifle scope, but not always. I’m not a good person, but I’m also not a totally bad one either,” Mingi explained.

”No, you’re not,” Kevin agreed.

”You never really got to mourn him, did you?” Mingi asked.

”No,” Kevin shook his head, successfully smearing snot on Mingi’s shirt.

”How long has it been?” Mingi massaged the back of Kevin’s head. His long fingers felt soothing against his scalp.

”Two years, almost two and a half,” Kevin replied.

”I think it might be time to start. It’ll suck at first, letting yourself feel the hurt and the anger and the pain, but once you get through it then it won’t be so bad. At least, that’s my experience,” Mingi suggested.

“You lost someone?” Kevin propped his chin on Mingi’s chest.

“I did. Someone I loved very much. I did the same thing you did. I didn’t let myself mourn her loss for years. It sucked ass when I finally did. Hell, one morning I woke up feeling like I’d lost a fight because my body was experiencing the emotional pain. It ended up okay, though. It still hurts and always will, but at least now I can handle days like her birthday, our anniversary, or her death day without drinking for three days straight before and after. I visit her, bring her flowers, tell her about the parts of my life that don’t involve felonies, and promise to see her again on the next anniversary,” Mingi told him. His smile was a little sadder now.

”You said anniversary. Who was she?” Kevin asked.

”My wife,” Mingi replied.

[the-royal-teacup]

Right, here we go, a rant with teacup…

So, let me first start off by saying, you shouldn’t have been there Meghan. Nobody wanted you there, not the family, not the country and I’m sure not even the Queen. You had no right to be there, after the shit storm you have caused.

But, there you were, trying to fit in with the real Royals and ‘acting’ your way through a historic event like your life depended on it. You certainly had one of your many masks on, didn’t you? One of them was bright orange and smeared!

Secondly and the most infuriating thing, ‘CRYING’ are you kidding me? We all know it was fake. As fake as her many faces, her acting and her pregnancies.

It was for the cameras. As everything with Ms Markle she has an agenda. She wanted her moment, she wanted a picture ‘grieving’ the Queen, like Catherine has had. Difference is Catherine’s grief is real; Catherine has no need to force tears out Catherine knew the Queen, she had a close personal relationship with her for twenty years. She had no relationship with the Queen, she wasn’t here long enough to have one. She didn’t even try to have one; the Queen had more of a relationship with her staff than Markle ever had with her. Why would you ‘cry’ over someone who built the so called ‘toxic’ institution you apparently ran from? Your ‘tears’ are as fake as you are Markle and they did nothing, but rub off your thousand layers of cheese dust that was on your face! Your tear, because let’s face it, it was one tear and we’ve all seen the video of her famous ‘Meghan, one year left eye go’ it was fake, end of.

But, of course, her sugars are buying it and so are the rags, which is what she wanted. But, most of us see through it, for the hypocritical pathetic moment it was. Why would you cry for a woman you didn’t know? Why would you cry for a woman you called racist and accused her whole institution on which she built her life racist? It was a pathetic attempt to make some feel sorry for her, to see her as the bigger person and it worked for some, but not me. I will never look at that woman and see sincerity. There isn’t an ounce of sincerity in her and she certainly had not one bit for our Queen and her family.

Her outfit - 😂 Seriously? That is what you choose to wear to one of the biggest historical events, you will probably ever attend? A cape dress that was out of season at least three seasons ago, maybe more, and a big Cruella De Vill hat? And gloves, the gloves! 😂 They looked like a pair of black rubber gloves, Marigolds, that you use to wash up! You once again stuck out like a sore thumb, a pretend non working second rate royal, trying to be a Hollywood wannabe a-lister. It’s laughable really, when you look at what the other Royal ladies were wearing and how timeless their outfits were, then you have the wannabe thinking she knows best and ends up getting it wrong every damn time!

The family - How did it feel to see the family, being a family? Closing ranks once again, and keeping you as far away as they possibly could. The family kept a tight circle around the children, especially, keeping them away from you and your wickedness and so you couldn’t have your moment there, too. Although again you tried.

We all saw you trying to have your moment once again outside Westminster Abbey, as we waited for the Queen to leave, pretending to smile at Princess Charlotte, someone you have zero right to even look at, let alone pretend to smile at. Remember how you treated her as a two year old? Yeah, I’m sure Charlotte does too. See how impeccably she acted? Maybe you should take some tips from a seven year old and learn how to behave at a Royal event.

I was so worried the day would be made about that woman. She certainly tried to make it about herself, which once again speaks to her horrible character that even on the day of a 96 year old woman’s funeral, a woman who had given her life to the service of her people and country; this deplorable woman still try’s to make it about herself at her funeral.

But, in the end, the Queen had her final moments and The Royal Family, the real Royal Family, did what they do best; handled the situation with grace and dignity, all while grieving. I applaud them I really do, because I wanted to throw something at my TV every time she sashayed into view!

Now that the funeral is over with and Her Majesty is laid to rest with her darling Philip and dear Mama, Papa and Margaret, I hope now that she will be swiftly dealt with.

I don’t care how much she tried to pretend like she was behaving, we all saw the little things she did and said that she tried to make it about her and we all know behind the scenes it will have been even worse, as she tried to get everything she’s wanted since she joined the family out of the King a King that has been grieving and having to step into his mothers shoes at the same time. It’s a true monster who can try and manipulate a grieving man.

You didn’t deserve to be here Meghan. You had no right being involved in any of the services held for our Queen, and you certainly had no right to pretend to cry and grieve for the woman you caused nothing but grief for. But, you’re a two-faced hypocritical bitch, so of course you’d come and play pretend wouldn’t you? Your chance to be front and centre again, pretending to give a shit about the woman and her family that you spent the last two years trying to tear down. But, it didn’t work and it won’t work.

The Royal Family are stronger than ever, they may have lost their matriarch, they may be grieving, but they are a united front against you and your pathetic husband and I know that that hurts the both of you more than anything. They don’t need you, either of you.

Now, GO HOME MEGHAN, pick up your husband and GO. We had to put up with you being here, but no more. Go back to LA and stay there. Don’t come back for the Coronation, you don’t deserve to attend that either and nobody wants you there. And if you dare to go home and cash in on what you’ve just been a part of? I hope you are ripped to shreds. I hope the people who have stuck up for you, finally, see you for the hypocritical narcissist you truly are.

You’re a disgusting, pathetic, ugly human being inside and out.

Now kindly fuck off!! 🖕🏻

[anxious-writer-x]

Dad.

It feels like my whole world has stopped, but I look around and everything is still moving. People getting on with their days, complaining about the monotonies of life. I want to scream, my dad just died how could you even care about something so small. But I don’t. I feel like it’s better this way to hold it inside. I don’t know if I’m doing this right. But who really knows how they’re going to feel when the man who created you is no longer on this earth. I wish the world would stop for just one moment, one minute, let me recollect myself, pick up the pieces of my shattered heart but it doesn’t. The world doesn’t stop for anyone.

I feel so much guilt and so much anger all towards myself, I keep thinking what if…

What if I called

What if I tried harder

What if I told you I loved you on that last phone call and I’d been stupid letting my pride cloud what could’ve been

I don’t know, I don’t know anything at the moment.

I love you. I hope you passed away knowing that, more than anything I hope you know that. I like to think you do, seeing as were so similar I’m sure at my age you would’ve navigated the last few years of our relationship similarly. God knows we were so alike, maybe too alike, maybe if we were less alike one of us would have broken the stalemate sooner.

I can’t help but wonder why this had to happen now, but I also can’t help to be thankful. I’m not fucking spiritual or into the universes divine timing shit but I can’t help but to think something someone was looking out for us when I spoke to you on Sunday.

Maybe you knew, that’s why we spoke for so long, I don’t know I’ll never know and I’ll always be left with questions. I wish I told you to go get a charger so we spoke longer, I wish I savoured the moment more, I wish instead of being on that fucking boat to Airlie I was knocking on your door to give you one last hug, sit with you and watch a movie. I wish I was there holding your hand when you left this earth. I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry dad.

I wish I woke up at 4am when I got that phone call, I wish I had the strength to listen to that voicemail again. I wish I listened to my gut when I thought something was wrong instead of burying my head in the sand.

I wish I didn’t feel like a fraud for feeling like I don’t deserve to grieve you because I spent so many years convincing myself that it wouldn’t matter and I wouldn’t care. I do care. I was wrong, I will always care.

I’ve been looking up videos on grief would you believe, watching fucking videos to try and grasp a concept you hear about so often because no one can prepare you for this moment until you’ve gone through it. Life is suppose to go on, but I don’t know how it can at the moment.

Apparently grief is all your unused love for that person, maybe that’s why this feels like a mountain, one that I can never conquer because there was too much love I didn’t share with you, too many cards I held too close to my chest.

Maybe I should’ve started this a long time ago writing to you like this god knows it would’ve helped and you probably would’ve loved to hear from me. I’m sorry I didn’t write, I’m sorry I didn’t call.

Maybe for the next little while this is how we’ll talk, I just wish I could hear you speak back to me. One. Last. Time.

Maybe I’ll keep writing you letters for years to come, maybe this is the way I rebuild someone of my heart that left with you on Monday.

I love you Dad, thank you. I love you.

[cowboyjen68]

Hey Jen, I hope you & yours are having a good Christmas and staying warm. I guess I just need some hope. My girlfriend broke up with me 10 days ago and I feel like a shell of a person. We were together for 3 years, and I thought she was the love of my life. Now it’s Christmas Day and I’m left to look at the empty place her stocking was that I hung not that long ago and feel overwhelmed by the memories of past holidays together while knowing that right now, she’s off spending the day with her new fwb. I can’t stop thinking about her, I feel like I lost my one chance at happiness. I can’t stop the constant thoughts of her with another woman, and it’s making me feel sick. I miss her so much. I miss her presence in my life and the way she felt against me. I feel like I’ll never want anyone else and she’s already found someone else to sleep with. I don’t know how to cope.

I am very sorry that happened. I had a FWB whom I loved dearly end it with me very suddenly, although I understood the "why" I didn't expect it to be so cold and sudden. My last girlfriend and I were still/are still very much in love but we can't be together so we broke up. I understand a little about the emotions you are feeling.

It as been over a year and I still have some of her things in my closet and I never rearranged her side of the room from when she stayed with me. The book she was reading is still on the shelf near her side of the bed. Sometimes I think about all the things we planned together and the sadness is over whelming.

I can tell you this. After the loss of my first girlfriend (at 29) I was sad and missed the comfortable things we shared. I didn't miss the things that we were incompatible about which included life goals, sex and living in the country. She thought she would love rural living and insisted on buying the house. She lasted about 4 months and was gone ending a relationship of 7 years. But the house was just the final part. On many levels I knew that what we shared was no longer mutual passion but familiarity and comfort. We both went on to find love, her in a long lasting marriage she still enjoys and me in several other women, my last girlfriend being the biggest and best love I have every experienced.

You will not be ready to move on yet and there is no reason to rush yourself or feel like you need to "put yourself out there". When you are ready you will know it and it will likely sneak up on you. In my experience we don't just get "one chance" and love comes in many depths and some relationships last longer than others. The value of your love with another woman is not based on time but the fulfilment you received from it.

You are still fresh in the pain, surprise, anger and sadness. Let yourself feel all of it. Observe the things you miss and no detail is too small to mull over. There might be not any way for you or for her to know what caused her to break it off. The end result is the same so there is no reason to go over the past for signs or to rehash every thing that happened to find a reason. Instead it is best to try to understand that you can't change what has happened but you can decide how to move forwards.

Put energy into yourself but it does not have to be right away. Grieve for a while. Start in your space. Move things around and remake the furniture or decorations in your home to suit you. Take one room at a time and really "see" things that you have not really noticed because they have always just been there. Manipulating our Physical space can make a big difference in helping us to heal. Do things you like to do that you could not when she was around. You get to decide. Being without someone can be less about being "alone" and more about being free to do as you please, if you let it.

I understand you are heart broken and lonely and feeling a deep loss at what could have been. I promise, time will fade those intense feeling and when you are ready to find love you will know it.

[found--family]

So I have a few weeks until my new job starts and I want to work on something in that time. I'm not sure what I feel like writing (I'm kinda in hibernation bc it's winter rn and the last time I felt motivated to write was on-the-job in summer). I have dozens of wips and outlines to choose from but these ones are top of the pile bc they're fun..

[1] Nursery AU: Paradise Nursery

Dean is grieving his recently deceased mother. He's in his early 30s and was her carer for the better part of a decade; he has no friends and no life to turn to for comfort or distraction. He needs a new job and to learn to navigate his loneliness. He ends up working at the garden nursery where his mom worked decades ago. Dean meets Cas and falls for him but also makes new friends in Charlie and Jo and Bobby and others.

Cas is the newly appointed manager of Paradise Nursery™ and he's not enjoying it; he misses the small minutia of everyday plantcare and loathes the pressure, office-based and people-interactive duties, and trying to find a buyer for the business his father left him in charge of. Cas is a single parent to Jack and guardian to Claire and gave up on finding love long ago, instead focusing on his children and the work he's passionate about. But then he meets their newest seasonal hire Dean who becomes a bright spot in Cas' workday.

As they become tentative friends and try to suss out whether their feelings are mutual and how to go about them, Dean is dealing with his problematic father while Cas is dealing with his arch nemesis - fresh-cut flower farm owner Crowley - who wants to purchase Paradise to eliminate Cas as a competitor while expanding his own empire.

Boss/Employee. Mutual Pining. Alternating POV. Misunderstandings. Familiar Faces and Friendship. Slow Burn (legit). Strangers to Friends to Lovers.

A/N: this one is close to my heart as it's inspired by my own experiences; every day I worked I was inspired to write something for these two. Still not sure whether to keep this one contained at the nursery or follow Dean as the season dies off and he finds work elsewhere? Endings are hard and I'm still living mine, so.

[2] Dan In Real Life AU: Here Comes The Sun

Based on the movie but with its own flavour. Dean is a late-30s widowed songwriter and single father to young Audrey. The whole extended family is spending two weeks at Grandma Mildred's lake house for some quality time together before Autumn settles in. On his solo drive to the house, Dean meets Cas. There's chemistry and Dean thinks maybe there's something between them.. but he arrives at the house to discover Cas is dating his oldest friend Benny. Things are rocky at first but during their time together Dean and Cas grow closer until they can't deny their feelings any longer.

This one has intial Cas/Benny with some open relationship vibes but also cheating. Still trying to decide whether to write some explicit Cas/Benny scenes. The plot is heavily inspired by the movie but goes its own way. The whole two weeks will be covered day and night with alternating POV but mostly Dean and Cas.

RomCom with Family Dynamics. Lots of Familiar Faces. Papa!Dean. Alternating POV. Mutual Pining. UST. Strangers to Lovers. Happy Ending (for everyone, I promise).

A/N: I started writing this in.. 2020? It was my comfort fic but life changed so much that year I just couldn't stick with it. I've tried going back to it multiple times but kept getting caught up on how to finish the next chapter. I've done a bunch of art for this and would love to get it finished, but there's a lot of plot to still figure out (sometimes filler stuff, sometimes main events of the day).

[3] Movie AUs: numerous!

I love subpar action comedies (and romcoms) because they're such easy fic fodder for Destiel. Simple, readymade, perfect practice for writers to work on our skills but don't have the time or brain capacity to work on plot.

I have outlines of a few I really want to Destielify: The Lost City (a fun little adventure with unique plot I'd love to give our guys), Knight and Day (made before algorithms it's overlong and full of secondary locations - better off as fic), Red Notice (terrible twists but it had some fun ideas so I'd tweak the plot in various ways), Ghosted (subpar with bare bones I'd like to put a bit of meat on), Quantum of Solace (the most straight-forward Bond flick, a filler in the franchise and easiest to create a standalone au with).

A/N: if you haven't checked out SPNMediaBigBang go do that now. I'm terrible at bangs but I'd love to write a few fun movie fics and post chapters every week.

[4] Gotham Knights AU: make it Destiel

(GK being cancelled is another blow for queer rep and spncast stans but I hope it motivates fans to create more fic for this awesome show!)

The AU I've been working on is 'inspired by' not straight copy. It features batman-inspired Dean and harvey dent-inspired Cas with turner-inspired Jack.

Cas goes from being Jack's uncle to his guardian after his father was killed by the city's vigilante saviour The Hunter - who Jack once idolised but now thinks is a villain; naive Jack is out for revenge, to reveal The Hunter as a badguy and see him taken down. And he's not the only one looking for The Hunter's true identity. Meanwhile, friends and longtime mutual piners Dean and Cas finally act on their feelings for each other - but then shit goes down.

Friends to Lovers. Guardian/Single Dad Cas. Vigilante Dean. Heroes & Villains. Mutual Pining.

A/N: I started drafting the outline for this halfway through s1 of GK. It utilizes the darker vibes we get from Jack in season 14, which I love. And no, it's not related to my Destiel AU gifset series, sorry!

⮑ with all that in mind..

[forestmushroom]

Movie: Mammal (2016)

This movie is uncomfortable. It tells the story of a middle-aged woman, Margaret, who offers shelter to a homeless troubled youth, Joe, while grieving the death of her estranged son that she abandoned long ago. We tag along on a journey through the development of their relationship, a relationship that reveals parts of both her and him that they try to hide from the eyes of their neighbours and community. But not from us.

This story is about grief and trauma. It's about feeling unloved and trying to hold on to the only person who seems to understand us. It's a quiet and confusing narrative that makes us question our own experiences and values.

Because although common, grief and trauma are complicated. They are complex. We deal with loss and adversity in the best way we can, with the tools that we have. And those of us who don't have good tools, who don't know any better - we often turn to self-destruction.

I think this movie is about that, at it's core. It's about two completely different and unrelated people who have their own troubles and traumas and find themselves unable to cope. And in the midst of all the chaos, they find each other in more ways than one. In ways that make us feel uncomfortable and make us doubt ourselves and our own interpretations because it feels so right, but it also doesn't, at the same time.

The camera work in "Mammal" is phenomenal, giving us hints on the developing sexual attraction between Margaret and Joe. The physical touch between them is one of the main pathways that alert us to that dynamic. Both of them feel confused, maybe as confused as the viewers, finding themselves nurturing a mother-son bond while unconsciously feeling an undeniable attraction towards each other.

An attraction that grows until it snaps. It feels sure but also doubtful and wrong. Many interactions between them are awkward, likely due to the intensity and quickness of the feelings that arise. They get to know themselves through each other.

One of my favorite parts of this movie is the water theme. It is used to shed some light on the psychological states of the main characters, especially Margaret's, provoking a melancholy that betters the experience of the viewers. It is a window that enables us to be aware of the constant suffering of each character.

Because even though they found each other, they are still suffering.

Overall, it is a movie that leaves us with even more questions than the ones we started off with. It is prone to different interpretations and meanings, which I think is extremely captivating. I believe this movie makes us project ourselves on the characters and the narrative. This whole post is my interpretation, these words are me and my story. I highly recommend watching it and finding your own perspective!

Disclaimer: This is 100% my opinion and the meaning I built around the movie by myself ♡ Feel free to interact!

[shallowseeker]

Do you think Dean was just quietly grieving and forcing a show concerning the loss of Cas in 15.20? I didn’t feel he had truly accepted Castiel’s loss yet. See: emotional attachment to Miracle.

Oh, yes. I agree with you.

I think it's very in-keeping with what we've seen from Dean, especially as he started to mature. His grief is malleable depending on the psychological wound-of-the-moment and how much time he's had to grieve, of course, but overall he makes a concerted effort to try not to rush into demon deals anymore.

Furthermore, we know he can mask grief well. What immediately springs to mind is the "best-face-forward" mask he wore during Mary's funeral. Mary began and remained one of Dean's deepest emotional relationships in his life, and he pulled himself together enough to run a wake and say some nice, happy-go-lucky words about her (14x19):

DEAN: We know it wasn't easy for some of you to get here, and we thank you. We, uh -- We gave her a Hunter's send-off a few days ago. But we know that her family went beyond just us. Some of you hunted alongside her. Some of you fought Michael with her in the other world. You know, we lost our mom once before. But we got a second chance with her. And we got to know her not just as "Mom," but as someone who was tough and strong. Stubborn as Hell. Someone who had opinions and wasn't shy to use them. She could handle a machete. She could handle a vampire. She could handle our old man. She couldn't cook worth a damn. Mom, you weren't here long enough. But we're so glad for the time that we had. Goodbye, Mom.

And yet, after that, we find Dean by himself, alone in a clearing, grieving privately. He's sobbing into the night, where no one can see. (We can assume this is a common thing for him.)

I think my issue with the preference for wildly visible grief is that there can sometimes be this assumption that unless it's big and loud, it's not as deep?

Sam, for example, can be very quick to assume if he doesn't see it or hear it, then the "processing pf emotions" isn't happening at all.

And that makes me wanna kick him in the teeth.

The thing is, sometimes Sam may not even be wrong to be concerned. It's the assumptions and the rushing that gets me...

///

Finale: Although Dean was consistently shown to visibly and verbally struggle with Cas's deaths (season 7, season 13), I think he still possesses powerful masking skills.

In the finale, it's been six months after the loss, and this time, he's trying to live for Cas and Jack. In my opinion, he's trying to make good on the healthy grieving he preached to Jack in Optimism.

Furthermore, I think with just Sam around, Dean doesn't exactly have someone to confide in during the finale.

Sam isn't the greatest at fielding grief, you know? We saw that in a big way in season 13 with how floundering Sam was in the face of it (trying to shove him at strip clubs, maybe accidentally snide remarks about PB&J, and shoving beer at him).

Plus, Dean is trying to be strong for Sam. That's their dynamic.

///

If you're into The Winchesters as companion pieces to SPN Prime, then I think the episode about clowns is a fantastic window into the type of grief we were seeing.

The Tears of a Clown (episode 12): In this episode, a brother takes his younger brother to a carnival, because he doesn't know how to handle his grief or help him. It's an off-key parallel to Dean's grief in the finale, and how Sam took him to a pie festival:

CLARENCE: How to help him through his grief, you know? So instead, a day after the funeral, I took him to the carnival to try and cheer him up. It only made things worse.

I'm fairly certain it's a purposeful reflection because, as we see in Dean's season 12 run of grief, he dies in nearly every hunt while he's grieving. That pattern continued in the finale.

Plus, if you ascribe to motifs, the disarray of Dean's finale room has ghostly echoes of Cas all over the place.

On fully accepting Cas's passing, I think you might be onto something because it's just...going to be very hard for Dean not to keep on hoping that every time the bunker door clangs open, it's Cas miraculously returning to him. He's always going to be looking.