#So it’s reassuring to see someone like myself on YouTube doing what he does best: fucking around and finding out (affectionate)

[theres-whump-in-that-nebula]

Does anyone else in the whump community watch Brave Wilderness, or….

[phil-lesterfan]

4, 22, and 61 for the ask game

4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you?

“a pleasure to have in class.” also creative :) i was quiet and bookish and usually writing stories or making comics when we had free time. i used to make my own books and my teachers would read them and put them in our class library ^_^ (copy+pasted from prev ask sorry haha)

22. role model?

amazingphil / phil lester !! i’ve looked up to him ever since i was a kid, like <10 years old. i just think he’s so cool and creative. back when youtube was at its peak, i feel like he and jenna marbles were kind of the brains behind all the “challenges” and “tags” that existed. i also like how he keeps to himself and values his privacy — i have a bad habit of oversharing, but i hold that same value. especially bc in the past i have had a very strong online presence, so it’s good to know what to keep personal and to yourself and what you just… put out there.

and then there’s the fact that he’s driven and gets what he wants; dan jokingly calls him a “sell out”, but it’s like to me if phil wants to do something, it will get done one way or another. and how he went to got his masters for video editing, and also when you can tell he enjoys things. plus, he sticks strongly to his, like… image, which can seem shallow, i know, but when he wanted to keep things more pg, he was so careful about it, and he’s so considerate of his viewers (i’ve made a post abt this in the past, how he reassured the audience he and dan are friends, when i know, if i were a creator, i wouldn’t have even thought abt that fear ppl have).

i know i’m getting parasocial, and phil could be an absolute menace off camera (i’m choosing to ignore what others have said abt him — that he’s really just a decent person 😭), but what he does choose to show, i really respect and admire. also, him coming out and having pride just really makes me happy, especially as a lesbian who has struggled with her sexuality. he makes me feel like things can get better, and seeing gay people older than me be happy and successful is really fulfilling.

61. favourite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.?

GOD. asking this of a past english and creative writing student is just. cruel.

“dogfish” by mary oliver has inspired my own poetry.

“I wanted / the past to go away, I wanted / to leave it, like another country; […] You don’t want to hear the story / of my life, and anyway / I don’t want to tell it, I want to listen / to the enormous waterfalls of the sun.”

and a certain scene in rosencrantz and guildenstern are dead helped me work through shit about 5 years ago

“… [T]hat isn’t what makes it death. It’s just a man failing to reappear, that’s all — now you see him, now you don’t, that’s the only thing that’s real: here one minute and gone the next and never coming back….”

lastly, and i’m really limiting myself here as i could go on about quotes all day, a quote from the best manga of all time, the cat proposed (化け猫かたって候) by hayane dento

“… Someone, somewhere in this city, is getting ready to take a plunge. Somewhere, a child is crying. Someone has come to a stop, so weighed down that they can’t go any further. I’m holding Kihachi’s hand. He is telling stories again today, stories that may or may not save someone else. And I … am thinking about writing my own story. I’ll start by writing the first letter / of the first word.”

i did not mean for these answers to get so long but one question let me talk about phil (favourite person) while the other let me talk about quotes (i’m in love with writing and language). like. oops but also not really. AUGH. thank u for the ask ^_^ <3

[neocrush]

— the girl groups enhypen’s gfs are in !

genre: fluff (angst on jungwon’s part) + established relationship (eventually lol)

pairings: idol!enhypen x fem!idol!reader

note: idk how to title this pls i thought of it while showering

tagging: @jeminiepabo @strwberrydinosaur

you just finished performing and your members were in need of water bottles

you just finished performing and your members were in need of water bottles

you just finished performing and your members were in need of water bottles

but fucking mnet didn’t provide any inside of your dressing room??

but fucking mnet didn’t provide any inside of your dressing room??

but fucking mnet didn’t provide any inside of your dressing room??

so yves told you to ask for some from the artist in the dressing room next to yours

you knocked on the door without looking at the sign that showed who was in there

you asked for some water bottles and heeseung went “i’ll go get it!” and ran off to go get get them

jungwon just chuckled and went “hyung’s a really huge fan of your group, he kept on singing star on the way here”

you nodded at the younger one, impressed at the fact that you were popular among idols

the tall boy came back with a whole box full of water bottles

“there’s 12 of you here right now so i figured why not get a whole box” he chuckled nervously

you giggled and smiled at the nervous boy

“thank you heeseung-ssi, i’ll take this to my members” you took the box in your hands but was taken aback on how heavy it was

“don’t worry i’ll carry it for you”

long after that you started hanging out and boom you became his gf

you couldn’t resist the charms of lee heeseung

once it was revealed that you were a couple, orbits and engenes went INSANE (in a good way ofc)

“wait so y/n DOESNT hate men????”

★ jay - aespa

OMG OMG LEMME TELL YOU ABOUT THIS BBY

you both met at school after you both debuted

everyone was gossiping around about how you were in the same class with the enhas

so like... monster rookies class

usually idols aren’t seated together but the teacher seated you and jay next to each other

causing a bunch of “oooohhhs” from your classmates

there were times were you and the enhas would leave school early due to practice or schedules

and on the way to the school gate, jay would always spark up a conversation with you

you assumed he was just very friendly

long story short he had a massive crush on you

so a few months into your friendship (which the both of you were very open about with your fans), he confesses

you were like “WAIT SO IT WASNT ONE SIDED THE WHOLE TIME”

y’all were just really blind lol pls read between the lines

anyways on to ur lovely bf !!

he’s so bold and brave around you but so shy around your members and seniors

we all know how he really respects nct (along with other sm artists) bc he covered the 7th sense with sunghoon on iland

so one day you were like “oh btw i showed taeyong sunbae you and hoon’s t7s cover”

he was like 😟 to 😧 to 😯

got all shy and was like “oh what did he say..”

you don’t know why he was acting as if he didn’t body that whole performance ????

anyway you told him that taeyong said that he and hoon did really well and that he liked how jay did his part

hid his face on the crook of your neck

“baby we should come say hi to them next time you go to sm”

“NO i will make a fool out of myself”

speaks english and japanese with giselle a lot when he isn’t occupied with you

sometimes you’d even have to ask nct’s shotaro to translate

your seniors (especially exo’s kai) adore him so so much pls protect the boy at all costs

★ jake - everglow

he was an active viewer of produce 48 and (like me) was really attached to the yuehua trainees

especially you

so when you got eliminated just before the last episode, he was devastated to say the least

he awaited your debut and when the time came he supported everglow !!!!

LOVED BON BON CHOCOLAT SO MUCH

does the killing part choreo in his room when no one’s watching lol

dies everytime you do the little “everglow” in songs

right so when he debuted in enha, he looked forward to meeting you as an idol and not a fan

when you shared a dressing room at kcontact, he couldn’t help but introduce himself to you

he mentioned he was a big fan and your heart warmed

cute boy is a fan of you? omg heart go brr brr

your members tease you and you just shake it off

that day when you got back to the dorms, you watched a bunch of enhypen videos bc you were interested in jake

you weren’t aware of how popular you were among people - let alone idols so you were surprised

you fell in love with his personality and started saying hi to him whenever you meet backstage at music shows

not long after, you develop feelings for him

you thought it was just a puppy crush but as you saw him even more, it got serious

you never actually confessed but aisha accidentally spilled the beans when he was passing by

“cmon y/n just tell him you like him because he clearly feels the same !!”

“you like me?”

“AISHA”

“that’s my queue to leave”

so she leaves you two to pour your hearts out to each other

you two become a couple and forevergenes (such a cute name omg) LOVE you two

you’re both the puppies of your group so that makes your relationship 103892x cuter

you met his parents and they adore you and even asked for your autograph

“jake used to talk about how great you are after every produce 48 episode”

“okayyyy i think that’s enough embarassing me mom”

his parents love you like their own daughter but does layla love you?

you were so nervous to meet her and was actually scared she might not like you - knowing how important layla is to jake

at first layla ignored you and jake was like “she’ll come around”

you were convinced she just doesn’t like you, until this one time you were cuddling with jake on the couch and layla comes in

you expected her to snuggle up with jake but she came to you :D

now layla is super fond of you and mrs sim would even send you pictures and videos of layla getting excited whenever you were on tv 🥺

★ sunghoon - itzy

you and the girls were at isac

the six of you were just waving at your fans and making heart signs with your hearts

on your left you saw yeji making hearts with ryujin so you wanted to do that with another member too

you felt a presence next to you and assumed it was someone from your group

spoiler alert: it wasn’t

sunghoon and sunoo were waving at engenes who just happened to be seated next to midzys

so you turned to who you thought was an itzy member, making half a heart with your hand

until you realized it wasn’t 💀

you bowed and apologized when you both looked at each other, you were scared you crossed a boundary

you bowed and apologized to the engenes who were there too

sunghoon and sunoo reassured you it was all good

after that, sunghoon couldn’t help but keep his eyes on you the entire event

when the day was coming to an end, he pulled some strings and ended up having some alone time with you ...in stray kids’ dressing room

don’t ask

ofc skz already left so it was just you two there

fast forward, you both hit it off and he became your bf <3

midzys and engenes love you both sm and love bragging about you two to other fandoms

you two were even named the king and queen of 4th gen kpop

oh also

you already know where this is going

“SUNGHOON HOW COULD YOU NOT KNOW NOT SHY’S PROPER TITLE IT’S YOUR GIRLFRIEND’S SONG” - jay

brags about how he can do the shoulder dance in wannabe

ofc it’s bc you personally taught him

sends you pics of jyp as reaction pics

so you send pics of bang pdnim to him

every once in a while he reminds you of that video of jay why pee trying to hit a high note

“lmao that’s your boss”

PLS you always get super embarrassed so ofc you bring up that vid of hitman bang

“rAp dAncE-“

★ sunoo - stayc

you were his seatmate at school predebut

you came from the same town, same school, same neighborhood, etc

the two of you were extremely close and both shared the same dream

when highup entertainment accepted you, the both of you were over the moon

he was so happy for you

but sad too bc that meant you had to move to seoul :(

you promised him to do your best and that you hoped to see him again but as an idol

and hopefully when he’s an idol too

well what you hoped for came true !!

although you couldn’t see him much as a trainee - which made you quite sad - you got to follow his journey on i-land

you even asked your fellow trainees to vote for him

anyways now that you both debuted, you became close again and became really open with your fans on how close you were

you recommended his songs to swiths and he did the same to engenes

he even memorized the choreo to so bad and asap and lemme tell you this

he BEGGED you to teach him those choreos

“sunoo you can watch the practice on youtube”

“but i want to learn it from you”

he never really realized his feelings until he saw you getting shipped with his other members

you were both on weekly idol and the hosts really seemed to like how you and jake looked next to each other and they just teased you both the whole episode

that made sunoo feel uneasy and he thought it was only bc he was an overprotective best friend

turns out he had feelings for you (wow shocker)

so one day he asks you to come to hybe

after slightly getting lost, you meet up with him in a practice room

he confesses bc he felt like not telling you about his feelings would put a wall between you two

you appreciate his honesty and tell him you’ve felt the same way every since you were classmates

he scolds himself for not seeing it all those years but you just laugh it off bc you were pretty good at hiding your crush

you both agree to secretly date, until you both announce it on your five month anniversary

fans were really shocked at first... but they support you !!!!

engenes will not hesitate to come at anyone who talks bad about you and swiths feels the same way about jungwon

he gushes about you every single time you’re brought up

and you can’t help but love your adorable boyfriend

★ jungwon - iz*one

okay so

he was just an average high schooler when you were introduced on produce 48

his deskmate was watching your audition video and it was the part where you were doing this freestyle

he was SO amazed and he secretly followed your journey on produce 48

always made sure to vote on time and watch the episodes live

once the debut evaluation came around, he asked everyone he knew to vote for you and even bought tickets to see the show live

almost cried when he saw that you were center

ACTUALLY CRIED when you got into the top 13 😭

fast forward to him debuting in enha

he wasn’t able to catch up on you since he was busy with trainee life, then i-land, then debut preparations

but somehow in the middle of promotions he ran into you and BOOM love at first sight

fast forward to you finally dating, he couldn’t believe he was dating the y/n of iz*one

wizones make those “ladies and gentlemen, y/n’s man” edits and engenes make those “ladies and gentlemen, jungwon’s woman” edits

both fandoms love you two so dearly that the only hate you two got were from the delusional ones (who clearly aren’t actual fans)

when your last concert came around, he couldn’t bare seeing you cry when you said “this has been iz*one’s y/n, thank you everyone!”

he got flashbacks from when you cried during the final episode of produce 48 and he’s just.. sobbing bc he couldn’t be there to hold you

so the next day he rushed to your dorms with snacks and emotional support bc you were emotionally exhausted from accepting the fact that your journey with iz*one is finally ending

you felt extremely lucky to be in his arms and he felt extremely lucky too that he’s able to make you feel a little better

★ riki - weeekly

you were both on weekly weeekly idol together

and both you and riki being main dancers, you were asked to do random dance together

a few popular songs played and the both of you did the choreos

until after school started playing and the boy did the chorus’ choreo and you were like “woah???”

bc he was so INTO ITTTT

the song was basically made for him to cover it

and the mcs saw your reaction so they asked him to do it once again but this time with the whole group

after filming, he came up to you and was like “i’m a huge fan of yours” and you’re just like ):&/£]>\**_£]

“woah really???? i rooted for you on i-land”

and his face just lights up bc his huge crush on you developed even more

you became besties since then but he didn’t ask you out until your birthday

he took you out to a puppy café, knowing you were obsessed with dogs

you’d ask him to show you pictures and videos of bisco

“i better meet bisco once we go to japan together”

melted at the thought of traveling to his hometown with you

anyways

once you left the café, he kissed you in front of your dorms

and somehow he became your boyfriend <3

riki as a bf isn’t really a very public person

he’s the “this is our relationship, not the public’s” type of person

he doesn’t wanna risk companies wanting to exploit your relationship

although he doesn’t talk about you two much, he loves to brag about you when given the chance

whenever variety show hosts would fawn over you he’d just look them in the eyes dead and go “she’s mine”

[hello-that-happened]

How She-Ra, Wrong Hordak, and I Deconverted in Six Steps

Alright y'all, it's time for my fourth essay exploring how She-Ra and the Princess of Power (SPOP) used Christian themes and parallels to provide a humanist message.

My first post named 9 major messages of SPOP that contradict Christian fundamentalism.

My second gave the historical context of how our generation and Noelle's are growing up to overthrow Christian fundamentalism after it became such a powerful enemy in the U.S.

My third discussed the parallel between Horde Prime’s rage at Hordak’s self-naming and the Christian idea that everyone is an instrument of God’s will.

Now I want to discuss how Adora's and Wrong Hordak's journeys defections from the Horde parallel my story, and potentially others', of leaving Christianity. Adora and Wrong Hordak experience many of the same stages in his journey out of the Horde as many ex-Christians experience leaving Christianity.

My own experience leaving Christianity was a journey into atheism, so I will interpret Adora's and Wrong Hordak's stories through that lens. Plenty of people who left toxic/conservative Christianity behind still believe in God, in heaven, and/or in the value of Christian communities. I do not want to minimize or dismiss their experiences, and I welcome progressive Christians as allies in the fight for LGBT+ rights and social justice generally. But when I watched Adora and Wrong Hordak leave their belief in The Horde behind, I saw myself leaving Christianity behind. I want to tell my story through/alongside theirs. I hope some of you can relate, but it is okay if you cannot, regardless of your religious beliefs or lack thereof.

Deconversion in Fast-Forward

Adora, Wrong Hordak, and I escaped from the organizations that raised us and its worldview in six somewhat-distinct stages:

Multiple major characters' arcs in She-Ra begin with rethinking their loyalty to The Horde. Wrong Hordak and Adora both lose their faith in The Horde after a lifetime of indoctrination into its ideals and goals. Their journey away from The Horde mirrors many young Americans' away from Christianity, with at least one notable exception: time. Deconversion takes multiple years for most ex-Christians, but only takes a few days for Adora and Wrong Hordak. Their de-conversion basically represents a speed run of most ex-Christians'.

Full Breakdown of Each Stage

(tw: mention of depression and suicidal ideation)

Adora takes delight in pretending to beat up an imaginary princess in the show's first scene, and later calls princesses "violent instigators who don't even know how to control their powers." She believes in the ideals of The Horde, and feels excited to rise through the ranks to become Force Captain. Obedience to Horde authorities comes fairly naturally to her, and she even chides Catra for being "disrespectful."

Wrong Hordak consistently repeats his loyalty to Horde Prime throughout his first episode and beyond. Even while being attacked by his fellow clones, Wrong Hordak affirms that "We serve Horde Prime's will." Unprompted in the next episode he happily announces, "I believe in Horde Prime!"

I felt proud, as a kid in Sunday School, that I could answer more questions about the Bible than any of the other kids. My church's youth group was the most enjoyable part of my middle school years especially because I got to hang out with the guy I only recently realized I'd had a huge gay crush on. I started viewing "feeling happy" and "feeling the presence of God" as identical. I wrote in my 2011 "Faith Statement" for my church's Confirmation that "I fell in love with God," and that "I thank God that I was born into a good Christian family and was raised to honor God."

Adora is kidnapped by the Horde's enemies and taken away from her home, separated from all of the voices reassuring her that The Horde is a good organization with a just mission. Shadow Weaver is not around to give her orders or map out her future anymore, leaving her alone with her enemies and her thoughts.

Wrong Hordak's connection to the hive-mind he knew for all of his life is severed. "I am…alone?" he asks in shock, then breaks down and cries, "I am alone!" For someone who grew up living in the same mind as his entire communal "family," suddenly losing that connection to everyone he knew would be traumatizingly shocking. The best equivalent I can think of in human experience is being suddenly ripped away from your family and community and then never seeing them again.

I kept conflating happiness with my faith in God for years, even after my crush moving away drove me into suicidal ideation for a couple weeks in 2011. My mental health recovered for a year before settling into a long-term depression in 2012. Because I conflated happiness with the presence of God, my depression felt like something had taken away the presence of God.

Adora defends the organization that raised her by quoting her highest authority: "Hordak says we're doing what's best for Etheria. We're trying to make things better. More orderly." Glimmer argues against Adora's worldview by showing her (1) that princesses are just people instead of dangerous violent monsters, and (2) what The Horde has done: first the ruins of a village destroyed by The Horde, and then that the village of Thaymor which she was told to attack was peaceful, innocent, and happy.

Wrong Hordak grabs Entrapta by the hair for the crime of "trespassing," and enjoys saying, "Prime shall hear of this, and his punishment shall be merciless." But once Bow’s arrow disconnects him from the Horde’s hivemind, he is simultaneously stranded away from the people who constantly reinforced his belief in Horde Prime’s goodness and stuck with a group of people opposing Prime. For a long time, Wrong Hordak simply pretends that the Best Friend Squad™ serve Horde Prime just like everyone else he ever knew. Every line of his dialogue in “Taking Control” is a quick, snappy motto he took from Horde propaganda, like “I believe…in Horde Prime” and “True nourishment comes from the favor of Horde Prime.” [see footnote 1]

I was well aware, growing up in a progressive suburb, that plenty of my high school friends were nonreligious. After my depression sunk in, I found myself arguing about religion with a brilliant but very smug British friend who consistently refuted my arguments in ways I could not dispute. Searching for arguments to support my pre-existing beliefs, I started reading Christian apologetics, but found nothing my friends could not easily refute. [see footnote 2]

Adora sees the ruins of the site of a Horde attack while with Glimmer and Bow, and at first rejects what Glimmer tells her about what she sees to preserve her worldview: "This doesn't make any sense. The Horde would never do something like this…You don't know them like I do." But when she sees The Horde attack Thaymor, the belief system painstakingly constructed by The Horde and drilled into her over 15 (or so) years comes crashing down. At first she can rationalize away her experiences to preserve her beliefs, but when the evidence of her own senses becomes overwhelming she cannot resolve the cognitive dissonance between her belief in The Horde's goodness and her direct experience of The Horde attacking the innocent town of Thaymor. Her worldview cannot explain what she experienced.

Wrong Hordak keeps his belief in Horde Prime's all-powerful nature for a long time after joining the Best Friend Squad. However, when until the Best Friend Squad catches him in a contradiction. He tells them what he was told: that Krytis does not exist. As soon as they start questioning the contradiction he was fed, he becomes extremely uncomfortable. He maintains his denial of Krytis' existence even after they land on the planet, until he can no longer deny the evidence that Horde Prime is not all-powerful.

I grew up, like many of you, on the Internet. My depression began during the heyday of the online atheist movement—and by “heyday,” I mean “seemingly inescapable presence,” especially on YouTube where I hung out. I kept running into comments asking questions that I could not answer: Why does Christianity seem to promote belief based on internal feelings instead of observable evidence? Why would an all-loving god send anyone to hell forever? Why did I believe claims from Christian doctrine and doubt claims from every other religion? Why has Christianity seemed to cling to the past instead of embracing a progressive future? The questions overwhelmed me. I found myself terrified of my own growing doubts. Eventually, my belief was based entirely on two emotions: nostalgia for past happy experiences I associated with Christianity, and a fear of losing the vague hope those experiences gave me.

The first time that Bow and Glimmer met Adora, they immediately labeled her “Horde soldier!,” and the label stuck through the first three episodes. Adora has always identified herself primarily as a soldier serving The Horde, echoing the messages she has heard for her whole life: “Shadow Weaver said it didn't matter who I was before, that—that I was nothing before Hordak took me in.” The language of “I was nothing” reflects cult dynamics where a group tries to retain someone permanently by making them think of themself as nothing more than their worshipful loyalty to the group. Similarly, it is a common Christian belief that “without Jesus we are nothing.”

After realizing that Horde Prime fes him lies, Wrong Hordak collapsed into a sobbing mess. “Who am I if not an exalted brother of Prime?,” he bawled, still thinking that the only legitimate kind of identity is one based on fully devoted worship of an all-powerful authority. Per Entrapta, “It seem[ed] that Wrong Hordak has begun to question the meaning of life.” She later described Wrong Hordak’s breakdown as an “existential crisis,” which happens “when individuals question whether their lives have meaning, purpose, or value, and are negatively impacted by the contemplation.” Without an all-powerful father figure to value him, Wrong Hordak thought, who would?

I identified myself fundamentally as a Christian for my entire childhood and teen years. I found joy, purpose, and a sense of self in my religion. Leaving my religion behind felt like burning the bridge to who I was behind me. When I de-converted from Christianity, I felt like I was standing at the brink of a void. I thought that without finding goodness in God, I might find no goodness at all. [see footnote 3]

When Wrong Hordak finishes (digitally, but also emotionally) processing the Krytis data logs of Horde Prime leaving in defeat, he explicitly renounces his old loyalties and declares his opposition to the organization and beliefs that he used to believe in with all his heart: "Brothers! Horde Prime lied to us. He is a false ruler. We must rise up against him, and free the universe from his unjust reign!"

After Adora betrays the Horde at the Battle of Thaymor, she pledges her loyalty to Bright Moon in her battle against the Horde: "I’ve seen for myself the atrocities the Horde has committed against the people of Etheria, and I’m ready to fight to stop them. If you give me the chance, I know I can help the Rebellion turn the tide of the war."

I didn't have an explicit declaration statement like Wrong Hordak or Adora. However, on 5/5/15 I arranged a meeting with my very friendly and understanding youth pastor as a last-ditch effort to save my faith. I hoped that he would crush my worrying doubts. Instead, actually encouraged me to become agnostic and to look into non-Christian beliefs on the subject of religion. Rather than feeling terrified of what I might find and wishing that someone could indoctrinate me into my old belief system, I started on a path to discover the truth wherever it might lead me.

Footnotes for Context

Christian fundamentalists’ similarly simplistic snappy phrases have been labeled by ex-Christians as “thought-terminating clichés… brief, highly reductive, definitive-sounding phrases” where “Simple labels are attached to something you like or dislike, and they are the start and finish of all thought on the subject.” Such black-and-white “totalistic” thinking is common in Christian fundamentalism, especially how it labels complex political topics as somehow being merely a cover for “spiritual warfare” between the totally good/Godly side and the totally evil/demonic side.

Specifically, I started reading an “Intelligent Design” propaganda apologetics book by Lee Strobel called The Case For A Creator. A self-proclaimed former atheist, Strobel wrote his The Case For series using my same research strategy: Only do research using sources that already agree with you. Whereas Strobel exclusively talked to other Christian apologists, though, I at least tried talking to atheists. Anyway, I walked into school one day with a confident smile and a copy of Strobel’s book and sat down with some friends. One of them, another brilliant atheist but with a far subtler and humbler personality, noticed it and his face immediately sunk into the expression of someone exhausted by the topic as he braced himself for my bullshit. When I confidently asserted a creationist talking point trying to dismiss the findings of some old experiment, he not only knew the experiment but immediately dismantled my talking point. I had no reply. What struck me most was not just his swift rebuttal, but his weary tone: My arguments were not only bad, but so bad that he was genuinely tired of them.

Around the same time, I became obsessed with the character of Kefka from Final Fantasy 6. To me, Kefka represented what I feared most about leaving Christianity behind — that I would lose any sense of meaning, purpose, or morality in my life. ("Life… Dreams… Hope…Where do they come from? And where are they headed? Such meaningless things!") Edgy, I know, but in my mind that kind of absurdism seemed to be an inevitable result of abandoning my religious beliefs. Fortunately, I came to understand that there is plenty of meaning, purpose, beauty, and goodness outside of the particular religion that I happened to be born into.

[moons-and-stars-and-shit]

Can I get a matchup?:) (if they are open!)

I’m 4’11 and my thighs are a big insecurity of mine - same with my hips

I have medium length dark brown hair with some dark, faded red strips from when I dyed the ends of my hair red

My eyes are a mix of green, blue and a soft grey and sometimes they can just go to green or blue in the summer

I love video games and watching YouTube

But I also love playing sports in general. I’m very hyper active and can never sit still unless I don’t sleep

I love drawing and would consider myself pretty good at it!

Academically, I’d say I’m pretty good in English and history/civics and science. Not too well with math tho

Id say I show a lot of my affection through physical touches. Also if someone doesn’t like my cat I’m sorry but we can’t be friends /j

I’m a pretty anxious person and I also tend to overthink a lot and need constant reassuring. I’m pretty clingy and do better with people I’m very familiar with. I’m quiet and shy but I am pretty odd and tend to not think a lot about what I say

@tsukki-indie

Romantic Matchup

Kuroo Tetsurou

How Y’all Met

Oh god

So...picture this

Your late for class

So you are walking down the halls with a PURPOSE

Like your only goal is to get to class

Now Kuroos POV

He’s late but not as determined to get to class as you

So he’s just walking

Looking straight up

All of the sudden

BAM

Y’all crash into each other

Obviously Kuroo being a gentleman apologized and help you up

But of course

He had to make a comment about your height 😐

“Woah sorry I guess I couldn’t see you ;)”

“😐”

“Yknow cuz your short 🤠”

“Ok and you look like a overgrown rooster but I don’t say shit”

After processing what you just said you immediately started apologizing

You don’t know what came over you

Oh god what if he hates you

You probably really offended him

What will he say

AHHHHHHHHHH

But when you look up at him

He’s a blushing mess

after he composed himself

He asked you if you were free for lunch so he could properly apologize

Still feeling a little guilty about your comment from earlier, you accepted

He just ended up buying your lunch and eating with you in the courtyard

But you both just talked and really got to know each other

Honestly it feels like you’ve known each other for ages

So you two started hanging out more and more

And soon you both grew comfortable with each other

That’s when Kuroo found the courage to finally ask you out

It was a short and sweet confession

But a confession nonetheless

And of course you accepted :)))

What They Love About You

Mkay

He loves that your love language is physical affection

He’s low key a attention whore

So you giving him that physical attention means EVERYTHING to him

He loves your hyperactiveness

Honestly he does not mind that you are hyperactive at all

Things are always interesting with you and he loves it

Ok this isn’t really THAT important

But

He finds the fact that your good at science pretty hot 🥵

He’s a nerd ok. Don’t judge him

Favorite Things To Do Together

He likes to just watch you draw

Usually you two will plan “study dates”

But it’s really just you drawing on your work

And Kuroo admiring you from afar 👀

Oh and cuddles

Kuroo LOVES to cuddle with you

So be prepared for that 😗

Random Hc

Kuroo loves your cat 🐱

And your cat loves him 😌

Kuroos not that great at math either but he tries his best to help you 🤓

If he finds a funny video on YouTube he’ll send it to you

Honestly like 60% af your text messages are YouTube videos

He calls you his little ball of energy

Emphasis on the little

Jerk

Overall Aesthetic

Romantic Academia

Songs-

Young and Beautiful- Lana Del Ray

Buzzcut Season- Lorde

Fine Line- Harry Styles

Ophelia- The Lumineers

[breaddaerb]

Could I request some hcs on viper/omen - if one got hurt how would the other react?

I hope u have a good day <3 :))

[ omen x viper II ]

✎↷: hello anon! sorry it took me so long to get around to this! been busying myself by getting into the overwatch fandom again— late to the party, i know, but this is the remix folks! enjoy these <3

omen getting hurt is an irregular sight. his body is no longer physical where there is need for concern over injury much, but the man is presently there despite his wispy form. what happens when he is injured is less of a bleeding and tearing of muscles, but a shake on his grasp of reality, sending scraps of his body back through the rift where it came from. he’s more like a walking puddle that can take shape of a human and gain ths touch of it, and it takes adjustment to if someone isn’t used to it.

viper doesn’t like seeing omen hurt. she extends her arms to him as a friend, and while death is nearly impossible for the split man, it’s that his second chance at life will leave nothing but a pile of clothes on the floor in his wake. debatably, viper has more motherly qualities than sage does, but it isn’t as open as the healer’s. she has a sense of protection towards those she’s closest with, such as brimstone and omen, and would go to the ends of the world to ensure their safety and their return back home.

these senses and habits increase tenfold when either are injured, but for omen, the serpent ends up closely monitoring him and watching for his condition. she doesn’t leave a lingering hand on him, but to where she’ll immediately notice if he starts fading away from their plane of earth. her fingers would weave into his, an arm around his waist, mouth a compilation of swears and prays that he stays where he is in their dimension instead of being swallowed up into the chasm.

omen sees this desperate side of her when his life is in risk, and as the partner he is, he’ll return to reassure his partner. it’s grounding where he can fight harder to lull his body back to the present when he sees the wires and bandages coiled around him— all from her to reassure that he will be safe, that he will stay alive. viper has chosen to fight for him, a shell of a man, and it’s what she deserves if he returns the favor as well.

viper being injured is a different story. the woman rarely lets herself slip up and prefers to isolate during those times, and is stubborn enough to be her own doctor instead of letting the other medical professionals within the facility help her out. she pushes her body to it’s limit and provides as much as she can to herself, moderating her own vitals and various conditions that have been tailored to her radiant-damaged self. knowing her, she’s pulled off surgery on herself in the midst of the field to pry out shrapnel and seal it before she died of blood contamination.

omen takes care of her. he doesn’t have the same medical experience that she does, but he’s supportive in where he’ll slide her a bowl of soup or something she can stomach while she’s doing her work, and generally provide what he remembers that can help. his concern limits viper from running out of her room and performing tasks that she doesn’t need to be when she could be resting, and omen won’t let up on her until she gives into his decision. they know each other best, and viper can trust omen to take care of her should she need it.

omen cooks for her. to the disbelief of others, omen doesn’t eat— he has to inject himself with nutrients because his body doesn’t have the ability to digest food anymore, but he can make out some form of taste sense and smell. the ghost has found various recipes online to try out and goes into extensive research to assure that the recipes will taste somewhat decent by the time he presents it to the injured viper, and he relies on purely reviews and youtube comments just to see if a food recipe is worth it.

at the same time, he’s very good at distracting her from the pain. she’ll bleary eyed and hissing and he’ll calmly sit beside her, talking about the smaller things he doesn’t typically press at. “you are bed ridden, but i have a treat for you.” and then he’ll turn on his laptop while she grunts in pain and play a video of brimstone trying to do parkour while following killjoy’s and jett’s steps, and viper would laugh because comedy central and wow, her ribs hurt like a bitch.

[nctinfo]

[TRANS] Chenle & Jisung’s interview with ELLE June 2020 issue!

It's the first time for Chenle and Jisung to do a magazine shoot together. Both of you seemed to have given your fans spoilers ahead of the shoot. Jisung: Really, the time went by so fast. Rather than a shoot, it felt more like I was just playing around with Chenle. Chenle: <ELLE> is a magazine known by many people. I've known it since long-ago too. So I was even more excited about the shoot. Jisung: Me too! Ah, but how old is <ELLE>? 28th anniversary this year? Wow...

We are much older than you two, aren't we? Is this year your 5th summer together? Jisung: We've known each other since 2016, so yes, that's right. Chenle: We should stop seeing each other (laughs).

Although you get along as friends [same-aged friends], Chenle is in fact born in November 2001. He is one year older than Jisung who was born in February 2002. What was the reason to become friends [to drop formalities]? Chenle: Our birthdays are only two and a half months apart, and since we get along so well, I felt like there was no need for formalities [a hyung/dongsaeng relationship]. Of course, I regret having made that decision now. I mean it. (laughs). Jisung: I jokingly said, "Can't we just be friends?" but he took it seriously. Thanks to this, we can now comfortably talk with each other like this. Chenle: It's definitely more comfortable. In Shanghai, where I grew up, we don't mind much if there's a one or two year difference. And since the NCT team has a lot of members from overseas, the atmosphere is a bit more open. 

Still, it must have felt weird to see your friend Chenle become a legal adult a year earlier than you. Jisung: I've seen the older members of NCT DREAM become adults one after another so I felt relatively indifferent. It's not like people suddenly change when they turn 20 years old. But, since we all debuted as teenagers, it is kinda weird that I'm the only minor left now.

How did the YouTube content 'ChenJi's This and That', that you two do together, start? Jisung calls it 'JiChen's That and This'. Jisung: Thank you for acknowledging it (laughs). It started from the thought that it would be great to make content that uses the advantage of us two who are like real friends. We make gifts for the members, stack dominoes, and also make menus that are popular on SNS Chenle: Although we also bring up ideas here and there, the staff ideas are always more fun. Ah, it was our idea to visit my home in Shanghai.

Chenle went to a lot of rides alone at the amusement park right. Chenle: He says he is too scared to go on rides that are hard, but thinks rides that are easy are lame. Isn't it really funny? Jisung: The easy ones don't look cool (laughs).

You just finished the promotions of your 4th mini album <Reload>. You have achieved many good results such as ranking first in the domestic music chart and music shows, ranking first on iTunes in 51 countries, and selling over 500k albums. How do you feel looking back? Jisung: I always have regrets whenever we finish promotions. Even though I have worked hard and had fun, when I look back, I feel like I could do better? Chenle: I'm completely the opposite. When the album promotions finish, I think 'It was really fun this time again, I'm satisfied!' I think especially for 'Ridin'' the stage was very exciting, and it was even better because I had fun with the members.

'Beyond Live', a live-streamed concert and video call fan signings are promotions that were not imaginable last year. Jisung: I'm glad that we can do something, but it's a shame we can't meet the fans in person. Chenle: It was a new and very exciting experience. Although it was through a video, you could clearly hear the voices and see the faces of the fans like this.

You also performed solo stages on ‘Beyond Live’ Chenle: I prepared our song 'Best Friend' on the piano, but the staff made the stage really cool. On the stage the moon was floating over the sea, it was very pretty and I'm really grateful and satisfied Jisung: I danced but I don't think it was to the extent of 'Awesome~ I did a great job!'.

With you two being the youngest out of NCT’s teenage team NCT DREAM, your growth is bound to be the most impactful. You must be surprised when you watch videos of when you just debuted. Chenle: Actually, as soon as we met today, Jisung had watched an old video of mine and said 'You were so cute back then but why are you like this now?'. Jisung: It was videos of him during promotion interviews for our debut song 'Chewing Gum' and 'My First and Last', and he was so cute. It was also when Chenle hadn't been in Korea for that long yet so he was still bad at speaking. Chenle: I couldn't watch the videos at that time. Still, when I look at the other members, I think everyone was so young and cute.

I heard that Jisung played a significant role in the fast improvement of Chenle's Korean. Jisung: Yes I was Chenle: I admit he helped. Although it's a problem that my weird Korean skills are also improving (laughs).

You have done TV shows and stood on stages before debuting at 15 and 16 years old. When did you feel like this is something you're good at and wanted to do something music-related? Chenle: I love to sing, so I released my first album when I was 7 years old. However, at that time, I thought it was a hobby and an experience rather than thinking of wanting to be a singer. After coming to Korea, I knew for certain that this was the path I wanted to take. Jisung: Rather than realizing it at some point, I think the expression 'right now' is right. While watching sunbaes at SM, my desire to be like that grew and I've come here doing what I wanted to do.

For broadcasts or special stages, Jisung has danced with the hyungs of SM's 'Dance Line' such as Super Junior Eunhyuck, SHINee Taemin, and EXO Kai. Jisung: They are really good at dancing and have a lot of experience on stage so it's really helpful when they watch me dance and talk to me [about it]. It felt like I was taking years of dance lessons all at once. Chenle: For me, I learn quickly thanks to Jisung. These days, Jisung is working hard on learning how to sing so I try to help a little too. I would say things like "I think this would be better?'. Jisung: Don't you tease me when I sing though. Chenle: Me? No, not me.

What song would you like to perform if you were to do an NCT stage together? Chenle: Since there are two of us, how about NCT U's 'Baby Don't Stop'? that Taeyong and Ten hyung did together. Jisung: Uhm, that's kind of a sexy song, don't you think we should do that in a few years? For me, I would like to do NCT U's 'Without You'. I think it's a good song to sing for us together.

NCT DREAM members have often said they still lack the skills and think they can do better. Where does that ambition come from? Chenle: There are times when I feel like I'm not good enough when I watch a video clip [of myself]. Other people might not see a big difference, but I do. In that case, I really concentrate and work hard. Jisung: I think everyone has that kind of desire because we debuted at a young age. When I watch the stage of the sunbaes, I feel like that even more.

How does it feel to be the youngest in a big group called NCT? Chenle: It's so good! Originally, I'm the type to prefer when it’s crowded. It's also fun to chat and play together when we practice. Jisung: I don't have a lot of friends from school. [NCT] is like a replacement for those relationships so I feel reassured. It feels like I have a bunch of people or hyungs who are close to me. Though the dinner costs are enormous (laughs).

What's the reason that two people with different personalities can be good friends and teammates? Jisung: Oh, now that I think about it it's really interesting. We're really the opposite Chenle: I think we get along so well because we are so different. The thing we have in common the most is that we like to play around with each other? And we're the noisiest. My voice is loud and Jisung talks a lot. A while ago he was talking to himself in the car while watching the night view. It's really funny to see it from the side Jisung: If you say it like that it makes me seem kinda weird, doesn't it? (laughs) I love to fantasize. What would I say if I were to go on a program like that? I think I was playing around while thinking about those kinds of things.

Are there any aspects of your friend that you want to be more known? Jisung: There are a lot of people who think of Chenle as a bright mischievous boy with a lot of laughter, but he also has a lot of serious conversations with me. He also has a lot of ambition. Unlike the introverted me, he is cool and outgoing so I learn a lot of things through Chenle. He is much cooler than he looks. Chenle: I'm a chic person (laughs). Jisung is the type of person who worries a lot about himself, and he is also evenly worried about the members' concerns. After taking care of this and that he proudly says 'Ah, why do I look like a leader'.

There are many adults and role models around you. Since you achieved your dream of debuting early, you must be worried about growing up well. Chenle: Instead of following someone with the burden of having to grow, I want to grow up naturally while keeping what I want to protect. I can learn good things and keep regretful things to consult, but I think my own standards are important. Jisung: When I first made my debut, I wanted to be a good adult and a good influence, and I still feel the same now. Sometimes I feel sorry for someone's behavior or words, but I don’t think that anyone can be perfect. Regardless, I try to absorb the good and positive aspects only.

When do you feel like you've grown? Jisung: When I have serious conversations with Chenle and the hyungs. The spectrum of the conversations has widened. I also think I have grown when I'm able to objectively look at myself without being too biased. Chenle: When you're going through puberty, you don't know that you're going through puberty. If you think you're grown up, I think it's because you're still young. I think you've grown up when you can admit to your shortcomings and immaturity.

How will the summer be for you this time? Chenle: First of all, Jisung will have 6 ice creams all at once. Jisung: (Back then) I had them throughout the day!

Translation: Esmee @ FY! NCT (NCTINFO) | Source: ELLE Scans — Do not repost or take out without our permission!

[stargirlfics]

Hi, first of all I love your writing.

Second: I was wondering if I could get help/advice? You see I'm moving in with my boyfriend next Monday, he was married before but his wife died giving birth to their baby girl who is 4 years old now. I have obviously meet the little girl and we get along well but now that I am moving in I'm not going to be "daddy's girlfriend who plays with me" like I know I'm never gonna take her mom's place but I have to act like one, I love her but problem is I am white and have only taken care of my little siblings (alwo white), the little girl is black just like her mommy and I know our skin and hair have different needs, I bought a big doll and have been practicing hairstyles that I found on youtube that are for her hair type (I am not very good at it ir but I promise I'm trying) , I just don't know what I should do like the special care of her hair or like is there something I should know before moving in? Also, I know she is struggling with accepting herself, she told my boyfriend's mom that as his dad is white and is dating a white girl maybe she isn't as pretty as she thought because her daddy isn't with someone who looks like her, that seriously broke my heart and I wanna make sure she knows she's beautiful and loved, but like I don't really know how to make her understand that, I don't even acept myself so I don't know how to teach self-love to others, love my boyfriend and I love his daughter as if she was my own and I really wanna be the best umm mommy or step mommy that I can, but I'm kinda nervous because I don't wanna ruin it.

I know you and majority of your readers are black, so girls: any advice/tip you could give me for this little girl so she can be and grow a happy girl?

Thank you!!

Hey thank you!

I think to start I want to say that your concern and care about making sure your bf’s daughter is happy and know she’s loved is a sign that your heart is already in the right place and the nervousness you feel does come from fear of ruining things or letting her down like you said but those are only fears, trust that the research you’ve done and will do and the fact that you already love her and treat her as your own will guide you in the right direction!

As for any tips I think making sure that she has visual and physical examples of toys or dolls and media and things that represent her and look like her will help and also making sure she has black friends too as she grows up bc as someone who grew up primary surrounded by white people for a long time it can be lonely and makes you feel out of place you know and I think just trying to do your best to remind her that she is pretty and loved and wonderful as she is so she starts to hear that all the time you know and when she expresses doubts about herself bc of what she looks like it’s important both you and your bf sit down with her and talk that out, let her explain in her way how she feels and what may be making her think that and do your best to reassure her

I definitely understand not being sure how to teach that to someone else when you yourself struggle with accepting yourself and practicing self love but I try to think of self love as a very long process involving mostly baby steps, it just starts with reminding and reminding and reminding your brain or another person of their worth and beauty as a person so that when their thoughts start to go negative they already have that foundation of love from parental figures or friends or what have you to fall back on and remember at those moments

I also think it’s important to know that even with that foundation you set for her, the world in general is a place that isn’t kind or welcoming to black girls in particular and it will be a battle as she grows up when she encounters experiences being in the world whether it’s about her hair to her skin to her beauty to any outright racism and micro aggressions that get internalized even from within the community and from outside as well, and just being there for her is key so she’s able to navigate those experiences knowing in the back of her mind that she’s loved and has been filled up with love since childhood which is a super vital period of time

I truly think through loving her and instilling her with as much confidence and care as possible and seeing that take hold it can also have the same affect on yourself and your own struggles with self acceptance, I really believe in loving households having that power even if it’s hard to always do that or know what to do and if it’s right, you try your best and make it a point every day to give her the care she deserves and that love and care is a collaboration between you and your man and those two positive forces can do a lot for her!

I wish you all the luck building this family! 💓💓💓

[gohyuck]

hi, for the dreamie drabble game; jeno with 4, 8 and 6 please ^^

based off of this post

this is highkey a ficlet because it’s 1.7k words but whatever

okay i wanna expand this and make it a full fic with a lot more detail and timestamps but idk if anyone would ever want that so lmk if you do i guess?

4: college

8: childhood friends

6:  “you used to joke calling me little brother but something changed and now you’re my girl.”

[february of 2019]

after being denied entry at not one but two frat parties (dismissed each time with ‘what kind of freshmen think they’re allowed in?’ and laughter that can only be described as mocking) your friends and you find yourselves back where you pre-gamed: the lobby of your residence hall. your RA has been turning a blind eye for quite some time (you mentally thank johnny for being the chillest person alive), allowing all of you to drink almost completely freely in your dorm’s common areas.

as you settle onto one of the beat up couches in the corner farthest away from the entrance, you can’t help but survey your surroundings. mark is getting his ass absolutely handed to him by donghyuck at the center pool table while renjun discreetly videotapes the debacle. you have a sneaking suspicion that he’ll edit it to death (you can envision it now - the camera zooming in on mark’s face after he accidentally hits the 8 ball in prematurely, colors fading to black and white as wasted swims across the screen in bold, brilliantly red letters) and post it on his growing youtube channel by tomorrow night. jaemin, ryujin, and chaeryeong are parked in front of the sole tv, hollering drunkenly at whatever game replay is flashing across the screen. yeji and chenle are bickering over something or the other - “a yellow hat? with that monstrosity of a jacket? are you out of your damn mind, zhong?” - and jisung, who, like chenle, is definitely still a high schooler, sits on his phone in a corner of the room, likely playing pubg.

even in a room full of the people you love most, however, your gaze ends up naturally falling on the person beside you - jeno, who pauses in whatever he’s doing (moving magazines off of the coffee table so he can put his feet on it) to send you a small smile that makes your heart beat out of your chest. he finishes up, setting his bottle of dos equis down on a haphazard stack of time mags before leaning back onto the couch, throwing one of his arms around you as he does. before you can say anything, he pulls you into his chest, pressing his lips to your temple.

you relax into his arms, knowing it’s exactly where you’re meant to be. frankly, you note, it’s a wonder that it wasn’t always like this.

[june of 2012]

you shift awkwardly on your feet as you wait. you chew on the inside of your cheek, you inspect your nails for dirt not once, not twice, but thrice. the door stays closed, though, and you wonder how long you have to stay before your mother calls you back.

after what feels like a true eternity, you sigh, finally giving up. just as you turn around, however, you hear the door fly open behind you, hitting a wall - or a person, you aren’t sure - with a resounding thwack that makes you wince on impulse. you turn around quickly, only to come face to face with a boy who’s wearing the most sheepish expression of all time.

“hi,” you say once you’ve regathered your wits, stepping forward to reach out your hand. “i’m (name), and i live right next door. i figured i should introduce myself, since you’re new.” a lie. your mom had noticed that your new neighbors seemed to have a kid around your age and had all but forced you to go talk to him. she seemed excited at the prospect of you making a new friend. you? you really couldn’t care less.

the boy smiles, taking your outstretched hand into his. he shakes it once, twice before letting go, and you find yourself smiling back before you can register your own reaction.

“i’m jeno,” he finally says, and a voice in the back of your mind tells you that this moment is important. you push it away. “it was nice to meet you,” he says politely, although not unkindly, and you recognize that neither of you have much else to say to each other. it isn’t an unpleasant end to the conversation, but, and you only realize this much, much later, it’s a reasonably pleasant beginning to the most important friendship of your life.

[april of 2015]

“so i went in and asked for extra credit and, surprisingly, he said y- jeno!” you reach across the table to smack your best friend’s hand away from your basket of french fries, only to hand him one of your precious fries yourself once he pouts at you. your friend felix snorts at your interaction, and you shoot him your best pissed-off glare you can muster.

“i can’t believe mr. kim really gave you extra credit, though. he’s usually kind of a hard ass.” somi brings your attention back to your story, and you nod in agreement.

“maybe he just likes (name),” jeno says, leaning across the food court table to finesse another one of your fries. “after all, who could dislike you?” he directs the last part at you, and you can’t help but roll your eyes even as you smile at him.

“you’re just saying that because you want more of my fries,” you state, pulling your tray towards you. your best friend furrows his brow at the growing space between him and his (your) potatoes, but before he can say anything, hyunjin beats him to it.

“we’ll be late to the movie if you two idiots keep flirting, so let’s get a move on, maybe?”

before you and jeno can protest, the rest of your friends are already getting up to go throw away the remnants of their lunches. you simply share a look with jeno that says everything you need to say before you both toss your trash away and move to join the rest of your” friends. as you all fall into step and chatter with each other, jeno throws his arms easily over your shoulder. you fall into his side embrace naturally.

neither of you notice the glances your friends throw at you from time to time.

[january of 2017]

“are you sure you and jeno aren’t a thing?”

somi has always been fairly blunt, and you suppose you can’t blame her for something that’s so inherent. still, you choke on air, forcing daehwi to smack you repeatedly on the back until your breathing pattern restores itself. 

“god no, not at all,” you force out between wheezes. “he’s like - he’s like a little brother to me.”

“so i guess we live in alabama now-” she starts, but before she can finish her sentence, jeno drops his backpack down onto the seat next to you. 

you turn around to greet him, only to be taken aback by just how pissed off he looks. in that moment, you decide it’s better if you leave him alone, though you do make sure to tell yourself to ask him about what’s bothering him after school. after all, he’s your ride home anyways.

“can you find someone else to drive you home today? i have errands to run.” jeno asks you, abruptly pulling you from your thoughts. his voice is low, slightly gruffer than usual. whatever it is must really, really have upset him.

“sure,” you say, shooting him a smile that’s - you hope - reassuring. he doesn’t return the expression, only nodding curtly before moving to pull his notebook out of his backpack. you turn away from him as well to face the board, although you find it hard for you to focus when the teacher starts to drone on and on about l’hospital’s rule.

you started the class period with no worries, and you’re going to end it with two: is your crush on jeno really that obvious? and, speaking of jeno, what’s bothering him so much? it can’t be you, can it?

[september of 2018]

“so that’s it, then?” 

jeno’s voice is steady but as sharp as a knife, and if you weren’t so angry at him you’d stop pacing to ask him if he’s doing okay. unfortunately for both of you, however, you’re pissed. extremely pissed. at him. 

“what’s it? huh? pray, tell me, what the fuck is it?”

“our friendship. it’s over, right? ever since you started hanging out with that prick yeonjun -”

“- he’s not a prick!”

“ever since you’ve started hanging out with him,” jeno continues. “you’ve had no time for me. none! i don’t care if you don’t like me back, but at the very least it would be cool if you made some goddamn time for me!” he slams his hands onto the frame of his bunk bed to emphasize his last point, but you don’t register the noise.

he likes you? jeno... likes you?

“you like me?” your voice is soft, a direct contrast to how jeno’d been speaking only moments earlier. he whips his head around to stare at you, and you see the realization of what he’s said dawn on him.

“fuck...” he murmurs, stepping back to lean against the ladder that’s build into his bed. you take the opportunity to step forward, your chest heaving as you try to let all of your anger go as you realize why jeno’s been acting the way he has.

“i’m not dating yeonjun, by the way,” you finally say once you’re directly in front of him. “how could i, when it’s always been you?”

[back to february of 2019]

“you know, it’s kind of crazy that we ended up together now, just within the last school year, after being best friends for all these years.” you say, looking up at your boyfriend. he raises an eyebrow back at you before leaning both of you over so he can grab his beer. 

“yeah? and whose fault is that?”

“both of ours? duh?” you respond, though you know he’s only messing with you. still, he just laughs before throwing a reply back at you. 

“you used to joke, calling me little brother, but something changed and now you’re my girl.” he emphasizes ‘something’ with just the right amount of pointedness, and you can’t help but roll your eyes at him.

“yeah, that something was me confessing to you, you idiot.”

“you only confessed because i told you i liked you first!” he exclaims, and you can’t help but giggle at his antics before craning your neck to press a kiss to his cheek. before jeno can capture your lips with his own, however, you hear someone mutter a ‘disgusting’ from somewhere above you.

you both look up only to come face-to-face with renjun’s video camera.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #459

“i wanted you to know that i love the way you laugh  /  i wanna hold you high and steal your pain away”

Does the person you like have any flaws? He's never seemed very expressive of what he feels. Has anyone ever given you a ring? Why? Yes. Because it was our anniversary and he wanted to, ig. If you ruled your own country, what type of government would it have? I'm not educated enough to answer this. Creation theory, Evolution or the Big Bang theory? I really don't know what I believe about the origins of the universe, but I do believe in evolution. Describe one of your most emotional farewells. The last time I saw Jason and we talked for a long time, and I finally got my closure. It was all so heavy. It started so stiffly, but it ended with us just chatting and smiling and, to my absolute shock, a hug from him. I'm getting emotional so NEXT QUESTION. What was your last serious conversation about? I was reassuring and comforting Sara about some stuff. Is there a city that you have a particular fondness for? If so, what city is it and why? No. Are there any gnomes in your yard? No. When was the last time you were stung by a bee? What kind was it? Years ago. A bumblebee. Are you gonna buy lottery tickets when you’re old enough? I am old enough, and no. The odds are way, way too small, and I don't really dabble in addictive behavior. Have you ever been into a real cave? No. :( That's a life goal, though. Have you ever posted mean comments on YouTube? I know I did once as a kid. It was regarding Meerkat Manor and I thought it was really disrespectful to Flower just because of the music chosen lmao. The drama. What color is your digital camera, if you have one? Black. If you had to spend one day in any movie storyline, which one would it be? Alice in Wonderland, I suppose? Name the strangest game you’ve ever played (video game or real game): Oh man, I've played waaaaay too many video games. I suppose Silent Hill with how confused it left me at first. Its concept is definitely wild. Parasite Eve is high on the list, too. In your opinion, what is the saddest movie you’ve ever seen? Boy in the Striped Pajamas destroys me. What is the best song to make out to? I could answer this but I'm not gonna lmfao Is there anyone right now that you are simply/overly infatuated with? story of my life ayyyyeeeee Who was the last person to play with your hair? Are they cute? Not a clue. Who was the last person close to you that died? Did you cry? Jason's mom. I sobbed on-and-off for days. Do you consider yourself a healthy person? Physically and mentally? No, in either way. Do you know anyone who owns a boat? My dad does. I'm sure others, too, with how popular fishing out on a boat is here. Do you know anyone who uses medical marijuana? I don't know. Even for medicinal purposes, it's not legal here. Do you know anyone who’s died in childbirth? No. What did you do for your 21st birthday? I was in the psych hospital, so... lmao. Therapy, reading, and coloring. Lots of reading and coloring. Because they did NOT fill your schedule enough there. We only had two group therapy sessions a day, and the rest was just... blankness. If dinosaurs could be tamed, would you want one as a pet? I know I'd be one of the dumb ones that absolutely wanted a tiny raptor, lol. Do you own more than one copy or edition of a book? No. If you could see any musical on Broadway right now, what would it be? Not interested. Do you eat soup when you’re sick? I don't like soup. If you read, which book or series did you enjoy most as a child? My first real series that I read religiously was Hank the Cowdog. Then it was Warriors. Do you buy Halloween candy when it’s on sale after the holiday? No. I really don't need candy available to me. Do you agree with the “they’re just being kids” excuse? It depends on what they're doing. In a lot of cases, no. Do you ever watch talk shows? No. Do you have a/any hero(s)? Mark Fischbach, Steve Irwin, my mom... Have you told your parents all of your secrets from when you were a teen? No. Though Mom has playfully once told me that she knows a lot of things I don't think she does, and that's terrifying lmao. You’re getting married. Who’s your maid of honor and best man? M.o.H.: Mom or Sara. Best man isn't my choice. Would you rather get highlights or dye your whole head? DYE IT ALLLLLLL. Are you wearing anything of any sentimental value? Describe? My friendship ring w/ Sara. It has a heart carved on the outside and "bitch" engraved inside so no one can see when you have it on, lol. She has one that says "jerk." It's a Supernatural reference. Who challenges you the most? In what way? My therapist and psychiatrist. They just help ensure I pursue my goals and give me little nudges forward to reassure me. Who seems to hold you back? In what way? PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT ME. I listen to my anxiety WAY too much. What was the last opportunity that you passed up, and why? Going up to Lake Gaston w/ Mom to visit Ash and her fam. They go there all the time, and it's a real nice place. I just didn't want to go because of the heat. Should there be an application process for having children? Hunny, that would not stop people from fuckin lmfao Name one thing that you think defines you as a person? m e e r k a t s What is a fear you have about living on your own? That depression would get the better of me and I'd neglect taking good care of my house. One of the many reasons I'll never live alone. Not at all saying I'd leave the responsibilities to my partner, but they'd be motivation for me to get stuff done. What’s the worst name your mom has ever called you? I don't know. Nothing that bad. What’s your stance on spooning? It helps me feel safe and loved and alsdkfjalwe I just love cuddling in all sorts lmao What’s your most recent obsession? Violet Orlandi & Melodicka Bros' cover of "Somebody That I Used to Know." Have you ever been scammed? Ha ha, yes. I once wanted to get Jason a Joker and Harley Quinn pillow from deviantART; talked to the artist, paid 'em, never got it. :^) Have you ever fostered an animal? No. I would get WAY too attached to foster. I wouldn't be able to give them up without breaking down, probs. Do you know anyone who acts way younger than what they are? I'm sure I do, but no one is coming to mind atm. Would you say you’re a pretty independent person? God no. Does the last song you listened to, remind you of someone? JASON. Do you currently want a new computer? Yes, actually. I want a desktop PC for better gaming quality, honestly. Also, the "escape" key doesn't work on this laptop, one key is missing so I have to hit the sensor JUST right, and it restarts randomly sometimes. I want a PC mainly because I want to get out of the habit of being on my laptop in bed all damn day. How would your parents react if you got a tattoo? I already have like six or seven, so they wouldn't be surprised. Is there anyone you can picture yourself being with forever right now? Maybe. Who is your truest friend? Sara. What is the strangest thing you’ve ever seen outside of your house? THIS house? Idk. Nothing that I'd consider odd. What bug frightens you most? STAG BEETLES lkadjslkfja;lwekjawl;kejrlawer Who is your oldest friend? That would be Sam, and he's in his mid-30s. How long have you known them? Many years. We met via WoW, which I've been playing since '14. I don't really remember how far into it we met, though. Where are they right now? lol I wouldn't know, he's all the way in Jersey. Plus we haven't talked in a while. Have you ever dated a friend of one of your siblings? God no, that would be so weird. What is the best gift someone can give you? An ear to listen without it feeling like a chore to them. Have you ever dated someone who had a child? No. I don't think I could do it. What is the last movie that made you cry? The The Lion King remake made me tear up. Have you ever played in a waterfall? No. Ugh, that sounds like a blast. In your life who has meant the most to you? Let's not get into this. What has been your biggest failure in life? Letting depression and my other conditions take away my identity, becoming my new identity. Do you trust yourself? No. I second-guess EVERYTHING and never know what I should listen to: my heart, my head, my gut... or which voice is what. Would you ever consider getting an abortion, under any circumstances? Yes. What was the last bug you killed? Some kind in the bathroom. Idk what it was. Just a little thing that sort of resembled an earwig, but not completely. Do you prefer profile pictures by yourself of with someone else? By myself, since it's my page. Do you know anyone who has written a book? I don't think so? Do you drink milk/juice from the carton if no one is around? Ew, no. I live with another person, and even if I didn't, what if I had guests? Has anyone ever told you they liked you in a realllly sweet way? Maybe? Has a member of the opposite sex ever given you jewlery? Jason has. Do you find sleeping in cars easy? NOOOOOOOOOO. I'm too scared to let my eyes close and not see what's going on on the road. Has a boyfriend’s/girlfriend’s parents ever gotten mad at you? Why? I don't believe so, no. What is the funniest thing a child has ever said to you. Definitely something my niece has said, but idr what it was. What’s been on your mind lately? Y'all know, lol. Do you feel like you need to get something off your chest? No. Sara was recently there for that. ♥ How would you react if someone told you they had feelings for you? Be very very excited if it was from a certain person.

[livexdolan]

Sushi ~e.d

A/n: ok so, yes, this is another Ethan story, I’m sorry I can’t help it, he’s my baby. Anywho- this is based off a lucid dream I had A WHILE ago- but are we surprised this took me so long to write? (the answer’s no lol) I was just mentioning the whole dream thing because, this is my story so of course it doesn’t make complete sense- sue me. 

Summary: You’re going out for dinner to your favorite Japanese restaurant that happens to be packed. The only available seats are at the sushi bar next to two young guys You don’t realize you know the two men until it’s too late- but is this just a blessing in disguise?

Warnings; Fluff, anxiety, fluff, and, oh hey- some more fluff.

Word Count: 2.2k

Tags; @episkygrant (my bup :)) and @georgia302

ALSO- THE TWINS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE 18 IN THIS SO DON’T COME FOR ME!! OK, ENJOY :))

“Would you just walk?!” I exclaimed, pushing- or trying I should say- my 6 4’ dad through the little curtain that has a very large sumo wrestler that never fails to creep me out. 

My mom just sighs behind us, “Kevin would you stop being an ass, we’re all- oh,” my mom stops mid-scold. We all stand close to the corner as we look around our favorite local Japanese restaurant.

The place is packed, every table and booth occupied by families or teens chatting loudly. Waitresses move around quickly table to table and I just happen to see that the sushi bar seems to have empty seats. “Good evening, Welcome to Wasabi, is it just the three of you tonight?” The hostess asks us.

“Y-yes, just the three of us,” My mom replies still seemingly shocked at how many people are in the small place. 

“Okay, I’m sorry but there’s a 30-minute wait on any booths and tables right now-”

“Can’t we sit at the sushi bar?” I say, pointing over to the counter where two people are sitting, three seats open on the left of them, and three on the right of them. My parents look at each other, me, then the hostess, my dad raising his eyebrows as though he’s asking if that’s okay.

“Yes, of course, I’m sorry I should’ve asked if you’d be fine sitting there,” She smiles at us, grabbing three menus.

“Oh, it’s totally cool, no worries,” My mom smiles reassuring the hostess, who now that I’m getting a closer look at, seems to be new.  

We make our way over to the bar when one of the men sitting at the counter turns to the other, giving me a view of his side profile that I know way too well. I can’t help stopping completely, my mom bumping into me and asking what’s wrong. 

My throat feels tight, my hands are clammy and my mouth feels like someone just stuffed cotton in it. “Y/n, are you okay?” My mom questions worry evident in her eyes as she searched my glossed over ones.

I can’t speak, I can only move my eyes between my mom and the two tall, loud men sitting at the sushi bar. My mouth keeps opening and I can only imagine that I look something like a fish out of water. No way is it them.

My dad sits next to them and looks back, realizing my mom and I are not following him anymore his brows furrow and he looks around confused at what’s happening. “Oh- honey is that- are those the-” I cut my mom off by nodding my head rapidly. 

“I-” I clear my throat trying to dislodge the lump in my throat, “I’m going to go to the bathroom,” I push past my mom and keep my head down as I pass the sushi bar and avoid my dad’s worried looks. 

I glance up and see the older twin filming a snap video of his younger twin messily eating a piece of sushi and they both start laughing. I walk down the small hallway and go into the bathroom. Looking myself in the mirror I pray that this isn’t a dream. 

Okay, breathe, it’s just the Dolan Twins sitting at the sushi bar at the local restaurant in your town, sitting next to your parents at the sushi bar. I look at myself in the mirror and try to fix my hair a little, shifting my shirt out of habit. I add a little bit of chapstick to my lips.

I take a deep breath and walk back out into the loud restaurant. When I get back to the sushi bar I’m surprised- to say the least- to see that everyone’s shifted down to the right one seat, leaving me with nowhere to sit.

That’s not what has my mouth hanging open- it’s the loud obnoxious laughs coming from not only my parents- but the twins as well. Holy shit. My parents are laughing and joking with Ethan and Grayson fucking Dolan. 

I slowly make my way over to my mom who’s sitting in the seat that was supposed to be mine. I shyly tap her shoulder, she turns around and gives me a soft smile, “Oh, honey! We had to move down but there’s a seat next to Ethan.”

I bite my lip and look up, seeing that I’ve become the center for attention. I make eye contact with the older twin and he smiles at me, calming me a little bit as I start to stumble over to the seat next to him my hands start to sweat and I crack my knuckles out of habit when nervous, “O-ok.”

I try my best to gracefully slide into the high seat next to him without leaning too close to him. He does a quick scan over my body, his tongue coming out to lick his lips before he clears his throat and looks up at me. Once he notices that I’m already staring at him he blushes, and I feel like my entire body flushes and is on fire.

He sends me a shy smile and I bite my lip to hide the wide grin that is fighting its way onto my face. I feel like I’ve just won a medal or something, I made Ethan Dolan blush. 

“Ok, so I’m Ethan, and I’m assuming you’re Y/n. Your parents told us a bit about yourself.”

“Oh God,” I groan, putting my head in my hands and pushing my hair back before looking at him again and very shyly asking, “what’d they tell you?”

He chuckles at my reaction and I realize that his laugh is my favorite sound- on and off-camera. His dimples show as he replies casually, in a cocky tone, “Just that you’re 17, a senior, really into YouTube…” he trails off and sends me a teasing smirk.

“Great!” I say sarcastically, “so they told you I watch y’alls videos?”

“And that you might have some Dolan Twins merch in the back of your closet- I was a little upset to hear you don’t wear it much anymore, to be honest.” 

I drop my head to the counter with a small strangled noise then sit back up straight and clear my throat looking him dead in his hazel eyes, “Ok, look- stop making that face,” I point an accusatory finger at him as he bites his lip to suppress his smile and holds his hands up in surrender, I roll my eyes at him, “I’m not like- I don’t know everything about you and a bunch of weird facts and shit like ‘Did you know Ethan Dolan sprained his right knee when he was 4 years old after his sister pushed him down the stairs?’ Ok? Yes, I watch your videos, yes I follow you on social media, yes I’ve been watching you since like before 4OU, Yes- ok, I used to have a fan account at one point- but I’m not like that anymore. I got your merch for my birthday a year ago and I- I don’t really fit it anymore so I don’t wear it. Ok,” I take a deep breath, “that’s it.”

“Wow- okay, a lot of information to process but I think I get it now. I’m sorry for teasing you, I was just joking.”

“I know you were- but I also know that you two deal with crazy fans and I want you to know I’m not one of them.”

He sends me a smile and is about to say something when we’re interrupted by the waitress placing my food in front of me. My mouth starts to water at the sight of one of my favorite meals- shrimp fried rice. “Damn, that looks good,” Ethan hums from next to me.

I look up at him through my lashes, “You want to split it with me? There’s no way I’ll be able to finish this, I never do,” I laugh and gesture to the bowl. 

“Oh no, it’s-” his eyebrows raise at my stern look, and I slightly push the bowl closer to him, putting it right between us, he sighs and gives me a crooked smile, picking up his silverware, “I guess one bite wouldn’t hurt, right?” I nod my head, agreeing with him, and hand him the soy sauce.

Twenty minutes later we were laughing and we had all fallen into a very comfortable flow of chatter and silence and my nerves were dissolved almost fully. My mom and dad get up with Grayson to go over and pay the bill while Ethan and I finish up our food.

As Ethan steals a shrimp from my designated side of the bowl- again- I hit his fork with mine causing him to drop it and his fork hits the side of the bowl with a loud clatter, making everyone look at us as we both just look at each other. We both grow red in the face and start laughing.

Once our laughter died down a little I realized I was getting a little chilly so I set my fork down and rubbed my bare arms to try and get some warmth. “You cold?” 

Ethan’s voice startles me slightly and I just smile at him before grabbing my fork again to steal my shrimp back, “Just a little, but m’fine. It’s not that bad.”

He sighs and shakes his head slightly, “Well, I don’t believe you,” I’m about to question him when he stands up abruptly. He starts tugging his large hoodie off his body, as he pulls it over his head, his long-sleeve comes up a little. I blush before quickly averting my eyes from his prominent v-line and try to keep my mind from diving head-first into the gutter, “Here,” he says in a soft, but commanding voice, pushing the hoodie towards me.

I sigh and look up at him, “What’re the chances of you still giving me that hoodie even if I tell you I’m really not that cold and I’ll be fine?” I raise an eyebrow at him.

He smiles at me, his dimples showing and the mole on his cheek raising slightly. He shrugs and pushes it into my lap, “Very high.”

I shake my head and slide out of my seat, “Fine,” I pull the hoodie on over my head and as I pull my hair out the back, I feel a hand against my face lightly pushing the hair out of my face.

My breath hitches as my eyes meet Ethan’s. He leans in closer, his lips brushing against my cheek before going to my ear, “What’re the chances of you giving me your phone number so we can hang out again and keep in touch?” 

I look up at him through my lashes, grabbing his hand and leaning up to his ear, whispering just as softly as he did, “Very high.”

I pull away slowly and he smiles at me. When I return the smile he winks. I snort and roll my eyes, grabbing my phone off the bar, I hand it to him as he pushes his phone into my hand. Already pulled up to a new contact page, I put in my number and name into his phone. I quickly open his camera and take a picture with my tongue out, fingers up in a ‘peace’ symbol with my right eye dropped into a wink, I set that as my contact photo before he suddenly grabs me and pulls me into his arms. 

I gasp as my back meets his hard chest and he wraps one arm around me, my phone in his other hand, the camera pulled up and pointing towards our faces, “Smile baby,” he kisses the side of my head quickly before smiling at the camera. My face flushes deep red and I grin at the camera. The butterflies in my stomach from the pet name are so strong that I feel like I might fall over. 

“Okay, lovebirds, let’s go,” Grayson’s voice brings us back to reality and I realize that my parents have already stepped outside. 

We walk outside and I pull the sleeves of Ethan’s hoodie further down so that I can grab them with my hands, making ‘hoodie paws’ as some people put it. I look down to hide the constant blush that’s on my face when Ethan wraps his arm around my waist again. I look over at my parents, worried to see their reactions only to find them smiling softly at us before looking away once they saw I was watching them.

I turn and bury my head in Ethan’s chest, wanting to feel his warmth again and have him hug me. I wrap my arms around his neck and he ducks his head down to put it in the crook of my neck, his scent completely engulfs just like it did when I put his hoodie on and I smile at the sweet, soothing smell. We can faintly hear my parents getting Grayson’s number and bidding him goodbye. 

We reluctantly pull away from each other, very slowly. Ethan smiles at me and kisses my nose, “I promise you- we’re going to hang out soon. I’ll call you later, yeah?”

“You better,” I say back and lean up to kiss his nose.

I turn out of his grip and go to quickly hug Grayson, “It was so nice meeting you,” I grin up at him and he mirrors my expression.

“It was awesome meeting you too, Y/n, you have some pretty cool parents,” he chuckles.

I look over at my parents saying goodbye to Ethan before my mom catches my eye and winks. I turn back to Grayson, “Yeah, I really do.”

[little-escapist]

Some Klaine meta thoughts

Okay, so I was writing, and then I wanted to check a scene on Youtube, and then I fell into the rabbit hole, and... This has probably been done before several times, but I just have to get it out.

It’s going to get angsty.

So, season three. Kurt is excited about NYADA, and Blaine pulls away because he is scared of the future. Kurt bumps in Chandler, Blaine finds the flirty texts, and it leads them to have a discussion in Emma’s office.

Blaine transferred for Kurt, left behind the safe haven that was Dalton. He came to McKinley, knowing that it would be a lot more hostile environment, but he loves Kurt so much he can’t really stay away. Now he is facing the hard reality that Kurt is about to leave to New York, and he will be alone in McKinley. He tells Kurt as much. He wanted to test out what being alone would be like, and that’s why he pulled away.

Kurt’s reaction to Blaine pulling away is interesting to me. Of course, it’s only pure chance that he and Chandler meet in the sheet music shop. Kurt didn’t go out to seek someone else, no way. But Chandler was there, he was convenient, and he was enthusiastically interested. Kurt is not used to that, so I get why he got swept up in it and let Chandler text him all the flirty stuff. But he also tells Blaine that he liked the attention, liked the way Chandler makes him feel, because Blaine is not there for him.

Blaine pulled away, and Kurt let him. By coincidence Kurt met someone else, and because Blaine was emotionally withdrawing, Kurt just let things happen.

Kurt realizes his mistake when Blaine tells him why he has been distant. He understands, or at least he seems to, he catches on right away when Blaine explains. Then it starts to get painful. Blaine tells Kurt that in New York there’s a whole new life. New school, new friends. Blaine is scared, and he has a reason to. Kurt reassures him that no, Blaine is not going to be alone. He is not going to be forgotten.

Fast forward to Kurt actually going to New York (at Blaine’s insistence, no less!), and see what happens. All of Blaine’s fears come true: Kurt is swept away in his new amazing life in a new city with new people and his job. Kurt is so into it all that he just talks over Blaine during their Skype call. Kurt doesn’t want to hear about McKinley, because he isn’t there anymore. I don’t think this is a conscious thing, it just happens. It’s natural. But it leaves Blaine in an awful spot. He knew it would happen, he voiced his fears, and Kurt still forgets him. So, he basically does what Kurt did with Chandler. A chance meeting online, Blaine is lonely and lost and hurting, and he seeks out another man’s company.

Blaine and Kurt are over when Blaine confesses.

That is the first time Kurt made a promise to Blaine and broke it. Blaine told Kurt about his biggest fears, and Kurt told him it wouldn’t come to that. Yet it did.

Fast forward to season five. Blaine is very, very insecure around Kurt. Kurt looks different, Kurt is at home in New York, he has cool friends like Elliott. Blaine is a people pleaser, he likes to help and protect and take care of others. He used to be able to offer that to Kurt, but New York Kurt is different from Lima Kurt. New York Kurt is even more independent, even more fierce and fearless. And they come head to head about that.

Blaine opens up about his greatest fear. That one day Kurt will wake up and realize he doesn’t love Blaine anymore. Blaine feels like he’s at his best when he can take the protector role, the wise mentor role. He doesn’t have that with Kurt anymore, so he feels worthless.

Kurt tells him no. Kurt tells him he will always love him.

Season six rolls around. Kurt breaks up with Blaine over little things piling up on them. I think it is a mutual thing that everything isn’t working out. Blaine is clingy, and Kurt withdraws, and that creates a spiral for the worst. But still, in Blaine’s perspective - it breaks my heart. Blaine tells Kurt that he feels like Kurt is judging him. Like he’s doing something wrong.

Like Kurt doesn’t love him anymore. It isn’t said, but. It’s there, clear as day.

Kurt promised to love Blaine forever. That he wouldn’t wake up one day thinking he doesn’t love Blaine anymore. And yet, it’s exactly like that.

And... I may be projecting, because I feel Blaine’s insecurities so strongly, but. It just breaks my heart that he told Kurt, twice, about his insecurities and fears. Kurt assured him that they aren’t real, that it’s just Blaine’s fear talking. And yet... Blaine’s fears came true both times. Both times the exact thing Blaine was scared of happened.

They say depressed people might have a more realistic view of the world than those that aren’t depressed. Another meta thought that many seem to agree with is that Blaine is depressed. So... He knew. He knew his fears were real possibilities.

I just wish, for him, and for myself, that it wasn’t so.

[vwildmonk]

2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 8, 11, 13 and 14?

B for you also!!

Also: If she were in smash/mario kart, what powers do you think she'd have and what would her vehicle look like???

What's your favorite thing about playing her?

Random thought you have about her that just won't leave your brain?

Putting under a read more as these got long again, but thanks for sending in the ask! Happy to take many more as these are always fun! Also looking forward after a game soon seeing how Lin centric answers change, she’s going to be going through some fun (and happy) things in her near future!

Also excellent extra Qs Frosty, love to see ‘em!

2.  How easy is it for your character to laugh? Laughter… oh tough one cos Lin, she does laugh quite frequently. But some of that is a forced laugh at the end of one of her own ‘look at the peckin’ idiot jokes’ or to misdirect things (both so others dont see and so she doesn’t always have to think too deeply about her words). But she also does laugh genuinely quite a bit as well; family shenanigans, silly stories over warm meals or steaming drinks, watching toon chaos go down that is safe and silly. It’s easy when you know her to get honest laughs- she’s open with those she loves and as they bring her joy the actual warm laughter comes easy. Something that is going to get even easier given time. It’s loud and bright and full of warmth and it’s going to be softer.

3. How do they put themselves to bed at night (reading, singing, thinking?) At the moment? A sharp drink of a sleeping potion and trying very hard to think happy thoughts as she blacks out- nightmares still come but she does try. Waking half-shifted too few hours later and fighting a shift isn't great... but she slept enough right? 

But In the future? It’s going to be better. Reading sometimes, but also a good cup of Stagehand’s special hot chocolate and a final chat with her boy are going to be important and soft. Making sure he’s asleep, sometimes staying with him to make sure he gets good dreams and nodding off herself. Other nights it’s getting herself in the comfiest pyjamas she can find, snagging a lullapop to put on the bedside table and doing some breathing exercises with Network humming songs to her. Nightmares might still happen, but with a major dangerous card off the table, she’s going to feel easier about getting support. Her dreams are going to get sweeter… and maybe one or two cuddle piles will be helpful. She always sleeps best when she knows family are near and safe, in either of the two places she calls home. The last thought she has when drifting off is the phantom of comforting hands she’s felt in the past full of love and reassurance, slipping into sweet dreams and true sleep knowing everything is alright.

4. How easy is it to earn their trust? It can be quite easy and also quite hard! She’s guarded and needs a reason to trust people. But there are ways, if you seem kind and caring and open- if she sees good and soft present? You show her through your acts that you are someone potentially safe to trust? She’s got a bleeding heart and a wish to help. Having people care for her back and trust in her confirms that bond, She will do her best to prove that the care is well placed. Other ways are steps: You help out children and she sees that? Congratulations you have a little bit of her trust. If she gives you her business card, you’re definitely working your way up as network, and if she invites you around or turns up to a place that you’ve invited her to more than once? Yeah you’ve definitely got her trust then- you might even be family.

5. How easy is it to earn their mistrust? Lin likes to think herself as a wary person, and she is- once bitten twice shy sort of thing- she can get quite railroading on her views. In this world if someone can harm you and gain something from it, they likely will- she’s seen that quite a bit from her cases. So if something sits wrong with her, or she finds things out that taint views, or someone just keeps pushing the wrong buttons it can break that trust or prevent it from ever forming. However, given time and proof Lin can learn to trust people even if she didn’t originally.

Breaking her trust? Withholding dangerous info from her or doing something that takes what little control she has out of her hand. Once you’ve broken or splintered the bond it is going to be incredibly hard to earn it back. 

She’ll beat herself up for months that she didn’t see it coming, or worse question where she went wrong that led to the moment happening. It’s a surefire way to get her walls up and once you’re on a mistrust list it’s tricky to find ways to get off them.

6. Do they consider laws flexible, or immovable? Oh another tough one! Lin sees laws as both. They can be flexible, you can find the loopholes and the strings and manipulate them so the system is the best it can be- work within it to keep people safe and as shielded as possible- with the Law backing you it makes it harder for things to go wrong. At the same time she sees the corruption in places and knows that if things go wrong that immovable authority and strong laws will be worse than hitting a brick wall. Just because laws can do good, doesn’t mean the people behind them always are. It’s one of the reasons she is so worried for Lil Boomer. If that kid gets into trouble enough to actually get caught by the authorities, she’s genuinely unsure how she could get the flexibility to make sure that little reelkind didn’t get hurt.

8. What were they told to stop/start doing most often as a child Oh Lin had a lot of people giving her advice as a kid, many different stagehands helping her learn things and also beyond that. She’s got a few snippets she recalls best: “Start/keep exploring, there’s a world full of people Pompom, never stop seeing that.”, “”lil Lin, pompom, kiddo, please for the love of peckin’ gods stop leaping from the rafters to scare folks, do it like this!”, “Never be afraid to come in for a hug pompom dear, always ask permission first mind for most folks, but remember to keep being open- you’re a good kid, keep being soft eh?” … “Pompom… Lin please, whatever the peck is going on stop and talk to us Stop shoving us away! What’s happening to You?! What is wrong with your design? What is wrong with your face, this isn’t normal would you just- Lin Lil Lin Stagehand talk to us! -Kiddo!” 

11. How do they cope with confusion (seek clarification, pretend they understand, etc)? If it’s for a case or for something related to someone she cares about, she seeks info out. Either clarifying with folks or doing some sleuthing and finding as many reports or related information snippets as she can. She might even straight up bluntly ask someone if something makes no peckin sense about them. Although she tries to have habit of tact for her inner circle when she asks questions, or with children. She tries to be soft as needed. Her track record of near perfect cases definitely proves that she has done her best over the years to limit confusion at all costs.

 If it’s something related to herself though, perhaps about the cure? She will dig up as much as she can but also likely spiral if she can’t find the source or the answer to the thing confusing her most. She’ll pretend everything is fine while internally going into panic spiral at ‘peckin detective can’t even help themself’. Nothing is ever simple or calm and so she can’t believe it if something is too easy, and she’ll drive herself into confusion if she listens to much to her paranoia.

13. What color do they think they look best in? Do they actually look best in that color? Lin… doesn’t really know what colour she looks best in? She’s had the same outfit for as long as she can remember with the odd costume for a case or seasonal event. Navy and Red are her go to colours and she does suit them quite well when she is her natural true colour. In fact she does think she looks good in them, especially with her niece-jumper in gold-red-navy. So that’s her ‘best look’! 

When her fur has become the distressed russet the red kind of clashes a bit but that won’t be an issue forever. She’ll have to try out other colours someday, when she gets the time and energy to go clothes shopping, maybe try out autumnal or halloween themed colours, she’ll see how things go.

What animal do they fear most? Herself Wolves. She knows other wolves aren’t like the Thing that bit her, and the Thing in and of itself wasn’t fully wolf… whatever the peck it was is something else… but yeah, from her own shifting and knowledge of what she can do, and that memory of something lupine and huge hurtling at her from the dark… its definitely an animal that sparks her fear response and has her reaching for her broach and crossbow at the sound of a howl or a too big shadow. 

She will meet lycans in the future that help ease that, and seeing druids like her son be able to change to wolf form is cool… but if she doesn’t see it coming or one come at her from behind she will flinch and shield whoever’s closest to her and mentally be somewhere else for a second. 

An old fear that’s going to take a long while for her to be able to ease away. Wolves are wonderful creatures, she just has to break the association.

B) What inspired you to create them? Honestly? Toonkind in general. I saw my first session of it on YouTube when I was alone and wandering what to do with myself as my DnD adventure died with lockdown. But this whole new world of insane and amazing characters and stupendous people- it sparked such joy and life in me. Lin was formed from that joy, and then from there she has grown. I am so delighted by the stories I can tell with her and the people I have met through her. That creation inspiration has bloomed since then... in fact: Lin thinks in network connections, and in this instance, the Drafthouse server to me? Is a RAINBOW of inspiration.

Mario karts: 

Vehicle wise: She’d have something small, a very speedy little car in her signature colours and a very happy tooting little horn, does it have racing flames on the side? Absolutely bc she delights in the silly things even as she projects sensible detective as well. 

Special power move? You ever heard this little monkey swear? An explosion of tangible grawlix symbols in a rainbow of colours bursting from the car to knock people out of the way (followed by a very quiet version of her signature laugh).

Favourite thing about playing her? Interactions with others. Lin has built an amazing web of family that is full of love and warmth and softness. Getting to see her grow into that and reach back is something so soft that I am delighted to enable. Her CornMaze family, spooky grandparents, her son? her many adopted children and newfound friendly pecknecks? It’s the people that make it fun to play her and give her such life. She changes and grows and shifts even beyond what I think of her and so that makes it so exciting to play as I have no idea what the future will have in store.

…also not going to lie hearing people scream “Lin for peck sake NO” adds years to my lifespan as I cackle, she’s a beloved but so very dumb little monkey who makes poor life choices and audience reactions give me life.

[crowdedimagines]

Reunited - David Dobrik

This was in my inbox and honestly this is SO cute for the concept, so thank you for sending it in @cartierhands an// i’m sorry if you don’t like the career field i picked for the reader, so imagine something else if you don’t think it’s cool lol

~

“Y/n are you sure?”

David’s asked me this for about a million times tonight. Tonight is the night we both decided to have sex for the first time. We’ve been dating since the beginning of junior year, but I’ve known him since we were kids. Growing up with Natalie and David at my side is something I’ll always be thankful for.

“Yes, David.” I laugh, I pull on the back of his neck to bring him closer. I can tell he’s super nervous. We’ve never crossed this line with anyone let alone each other.

“Okay.” He lets out a huff of anxious air.

“Baby, we’re okay.” I reassure him by cupping his face, “It’s just me.”

He seems to settle a little, I pull him on top of me. My back is resting on his bed, his body awkwardly landing on me making us both laugh.

“See? We can laugh. It’s okay. Stop being so nervous.” I peck his lips because I can’t resist his little pink smile.

After that he leans in more, getting more and more hungry. We’ve had hot and heavy makeouts before, but after a few minutes we usually have to call it quits before it becomes too much to handle.

I pull my shirt off over my head while David is focused on unbuttoning my pants. Once I slide out of them it’s his turn to undress. We’re both fully naked with each other for the first time. Now, there’s nothing holding us back. No needing to be quiet because his parents are out of town. We can have each other, finally.

That was the very first time for either of us. It was a perfect mix of messy and beautiful, while still being passionate. David and I truly loved each other, it felt like it was more than just some high school romance. At least it did until he dropped the bomb that he was moving to L.A.

“What do you mean in two days?” I shout, getting disappointed. “You didn’t even tell me you were looking at apartments.”

“Look, babe. I’m sorry. I didn’t plan for it, I know this is kind of impulsive. You know this is my dream!”

“Yeah, I know.” I sit down on the edge of his bed. It’s weird being in here now. So many memories in this room and now he’s leaving it all behind.

“We could try-”

“No. I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“What?” David suddenly stands, “You would rather break up than at least try to make it?”

“David you’re leaving. I’m going to college in Chicago and you’re going to L.A.” I pause because I have to break eye contact. I can’t look at him. “Maybe it’s for the best.”

“No.” he paces back and forth in the small room, “I love you, Y/n. I don’t want this to be over.”

I stand up and reach out to him. He hesitates for a second before he accepts it and pulls me in tight against his chest.

“David, we knew this was coming.” I rub his back and forth on his back.

“No, maybe I could just stay here. I bet I could-”

“No David, you were right. This is your dream. I would never ask you to give that up. Plus, if you don’t go and get rich and famous, who’s going to buy me a sports car?”

He finally cracks a smile on his face which makes me grin too.

Two days later, David actually left. He packed up his beat up Toyota and took off. We filled those days with as much time and goodbyes as possible. It made it easy for us to end on good terms. It was only a few weeks later I moved into my dorm and started focusing on my new life.

Being single in college was definitely nice, but I still missed the connection that I had with David. I had boyfriends, but no one measured up. David and I don’t really talk, the last I heard about him really was when he took Natalie from me. She moved to Los Angeles to be his assistant and live in his million dollar home.

“Nat!” I scream answering the facetime as I throw myself down on my bed. I just got back to my apartment so it’s perfect timing.

“Y/n, oh my gosh, it’s so good to hear your voice! I miss you!”

She’s been out there for over a year now, she loves it there. She’s offered to fly me out a couple of times, but I have yet to take her up on it. Even after I graduated months ago, I still found it odd to travel to the city I kind of hate deep down inside. It’s managed to take my two closest friends.

“I miss you more!” I gush, “How is everything?”

She goes off on a rant about the crazy things she has to do for the vlogs, and then she asks me questions about work. I got an internship with an interior design company right before graduation and I have loved it there.

“When does your internship end?” Natalie asks.

“In a few weeks, I’ve been looking for other jobs, but a lot of what they’re looking for in Chicago is people with more experience.” I roll my eyes, “I can’t get any experience until I’m hired somewhere.”

“Just keep looking! The right job will find you.”

Natalie gets up from her bed and I notice she’s walking around the house so she can quickly answer the door. She thanks a person quickly and keeps walking.

“Who was that?” I ask.

“Ohh, just postmates.”

She walks into a different room now and passes it off.

“Who are you talking to?” An all too familiar is mumbled in the background. Natalie clutches the phone close to her so I can’t see anything.

“Y/n.” She answers after a second of hesitation.

“Tell her I say hi.” He replies.

“Tell her yourself.” Natalie passes the phone off to him.

“Umm hi.” I smile. It’s weird being on the phone with him again. I never deleted his contact, but I’ve never managed to press the call button. He came home to Vernon Hills a few times the first year after we broke up and tried to reach out, but things still too fresh. After that, we grew apart.

“Y/n! Wow, I haven’t heard your voice in such a long time. This is crazy.” David stares at the phone intensely.

“Yeah, this does feel a little weird.” I smile anyway, it’s good to see his face. It’s been a long time.

“You think?” He raises a brow with a smirk, “It feels normal. Like I was thrown back into high school. You could tell me I had algebra homework to do and I’d believe it.”

I laugh loudly, something that was never hard for David to make me do.

“Okay, give the phone back. She’s mine!” Natalie snatches the phone back.

“Bye, Y/n!” David yells as she walks away.

“Bye.” I laugh.

A few weeks later, I only have three remaining days of my internship. After that, I will officially be unemployed.  I have to expand my search to other big cities. New York, Denver, Dallas, and finally Los Angeles.

I wasn’t expecting to find something perfect, but almost as soon as I started looking in L.A I found my dream job. It’s perfect for me, and they’re looking for someone fresh out of school that they can train in.

I do an interview over the phone with them and they sound interested so I am officially flying out to L.A for a real interview in person.

“Natalie, you’ll never guess what just happened.” I scream as soon as she picks up the call.

“Hey Y/n, you’re on speaker. I’m driving.” She clarifies.

“Okay, who’s with you?” I question.

“Just Carly and Erin.” She pauses, “And David.”

I know most of the Vlog Squad group members from stories from Natalie. From what I can tell Carly and Erin seem like the kind of girls I would like. I still have yet to watch any videos from anyone. I try to stay away from youtube now for some reason.

“Ohh, okay. Yeah, that’s fine!” I laugh, “It’s good news I think.”

“Spill already!”

“I have a job interview-”

Natalie interrupts me with a scream before I can finish.

“Congrats-”

“I wasn’t done yet! It’s in L.A.”

“Shut up!” She squeals, “You’re kidding me, oh my god!”

“Not at all. I fly out in a couple days.”

“Have you booked a hotel yet?” David asks, finally chiming in.

“Uhh, no not yet I-”

“You should stay here. Like at my house. I have a guest bedroom. Plus, then you can meet everyone while you’re here.”

Silence falls over the line on both ends.

“David, I don’t know if that’s a good idea.” Natalie says, wanting to make sure that I don’t feel uncomfortable or forced to.

“No no, it’s fine. Yeah, that sounds good.” I smile thinking about how good it will be to see them both in person again.

“I fly in on Thursday at 5:00.” I inform them.

“Okay, we’ll pick you up.”

~

PART TWO

[lifewithlemons00]

Doubts

Synopsis: Y/n has doubts about Peter’s love for her.

Words: 1707

Warnings: Angst, unhealthy relationship, swearing.

________________________________________________________________

You loved Peter Parker, anyone with eyes could see that. But recently, he hadn’t been making time for you. You could understand it at first, what with his spider duties, homework, and school. But it seemed like you couldn’t even see him at school, he was always busy.

So here you were, sitting at home by yourself for what seemed like the thousandth day in a row, watching whatever popped up on YouTube. It turns out, someone filmed Peter stopping some sort of robbery. You click on the video. You could instantly make out Peter’s physique and movements in the Spider Suit. It makes you sigh slightly, you admired how much he cared for people, but it made you feel a bit jealous.

You watch as a man grabs some girls purse, which results in Peter catching the robber, and returning it to the girl.

“How can I thank you, Spider-Man?” She says, her voice slightly muffled because of the quality of the video.

“There’s no need, just doing what’s right.” She gets closer to him, and grabs his forearm flirtatiously.

“Oh c’mon, there has to be something I can do… Oh, I know.” She leans in, and kisses him with his mask still on. Your eyes widen at the video, and the fact that Peter doesn’t move away from her.

You quickly turn the video off, your heart beating quickly. You couldn’t believe what you just watched. You had so many thoughts jumbled inside your head, and you needed to talk to Peter directly.

You arrive at his apartment in minutes, since you didn’t live that far from him, and knock on the door. A smiling aunt May opens the door.

“Y/n! What a nice surprise, are you here to see Peter?” You nod your head.

“Yeah, is he here right now?”

“Not that I know of, you can wait for him though if you’d like. Do you want a cup of tea?”

“I’d like that.” You smile at her as she makes some room for you to come inside.

She turns the stove on, sets the kettle down on the burner, and sits down across from you at the dining table.

“So, what’s wrong?” Your eyes widen at her question.

“What do you mean?”

“Oh c’mon, y/n, I’ve known you for a long time, I know when something is bothering you.” She takes your hand and gives it a reassuring pat.

“Well…if it’s really okay for me to talk about it.” You give her a nervous glance.

“There’s this friend that I have. And this friend has been acting a bit strange.” She gives you an inquisitive look.

“We used to hang out together all the time, and now, I hardly get to see hi- them… And, well I seen something that looks… a little bad on their part.” You look away, suddenly very unsure you should be talking to her about your personal problems with Peter.

“Well… I think in this case, honesty is the best policy. If this person cares about you, they’ll at least try to understand your feelings. And if they don’t, I don’t think they’re worth your time, sweetie.” She gives you a sympathetic smile, as she gets up to grab the boiling water from the kettle.

“You’re right… I should just be honest with him… er, I mean them.” You chuckle awkwardly, as she hands you your tea, which you gladly thank her for.

For the duration of the time you wait for Peter, You and May discuss random topics that come to your head. You suddenly hear the front door open, and see a very tired looking Peter walk through the front door.

“Y/n? What are you doing here?” He gives you a tired smile as he enters the kitchen.

“I need to talk to you about something… In private.”

“Alright, we’ll be in my room May.” He tells her as he goes to grab your hand, but you shy away from the gesture quickly, as you walk towards his room.

He closes the door behind himself, and gives you a look of confusion.

“What was that about? Is everything alright?”

“No, Peter. Everything is not alright.” You sink into the bed as you sit down, and rest your head in your hands.

“Why are you ignoring me?” You look up at him, he looks at you quizzically.

“I’m not ignoring you. I’m just busy, you know that.”

“Do I know that? Look Peter, I know you’re busy with the whole Spider-Man thing, but I hardly ever see you, and… it just feels like you’re never around, I don’t even see you at school anymore.”

“I can’t help that I need to catch up on homework at lunch now.” he runs his hand through his disheveled hair, as he crouches down to your level, his hands taking yours gently.

“I wanna hangout with you, I really do. You have no idea how much I’ve missed you, but I can’t, there’s no time.”

“You made time to chat with that girl today…” you look away from him, taking your hands out of his.

“What are you talking about?”

“The girl that kissed you today.” His face goes pale at your statement.

“That’s… she didn’t actually kiss me, y/n. It was through the mask.”

“Peter, she kissed you, and you didn’t even flinch when she did.”

“How do you even know that?” You give him a fierce glare.

“Does that matter? That’s not the point here.”

“Look, okay. I didn’t do anything because.. you know... Spider-Man doesn’t have a girlfriend… Peter does.”

“You know, that’s the most fucked up thing you could have said to me.” You raise from your seat as you go towards the door to leave.

“God, that sounded bad. I can’t let people know about you, Y/n! You’d be in danger, and I don’t want that.” He grabs your hand.

“Peter you can’t do things like that. Do you understand how it made me feel when you did that? Even if it wasn’t a real kiss, it’s still fucked up.”

“It was just a safety measure! It didn’t mean anything!” You roll your eyes at his statement.

“A safety measure? Really?”

“I mean, it’s not like I go around kissing random girls all the time. And this wasn’t even technically a kiss. Our lips didn’t even touch.”

“You know what, this was a mistake. I shouldn’t have come to talk to you.”

“Why are you being so difficult?” You stare at him with a hurt expression.

“Difficult? You think I’m being difficult? I come here to talk to you about the things I’ve been feeling upset about and you call me difficult?”

“I just don’t see what the big deal is.”

“Okay, even if you don’t, you know it hurt me, and you have nothing to say about that? No ‘I’m sorry my actions hurt you.” or even “I won’t do it again if it hurts you this much.’ Nothing like that?” He doesn’t say anything, he just stares at you with an unreadable expression.

“I don’t know what to say, y/n. I don’t think I did anything wrong, and I’m not going to apologize for keeping you safe.” You wipe stray tears from your e/c eyes.

“I think we should take a break for a while, Peter.” His eyes widen at your statement.

“Take a break?” You feel your heart ache at how sad his voice sounded.

“I think I need some time to figure some things out. You’re not the same person I fell in love with, Pete.” He gives you a look of confusion.

“You were always caring and considerate when it came to my feelings, and now I feel like you don’t even care, like you’re a completely different person.”

“I do care about you, I care about you so damn much.” He pulls you into a tight hug, you could feel his heart beating quickly as you lean against his warm chest.

“If you can’t even consider my feelings, this isn’t a healthy relationship. I have to put myself first.”

‘Even if it hurts like hell.’ You think, as you let your tears flow down your face.

“I can’t lose you too, y/n. Please.” You could hear his voice crack, the lump in his throat present.

He pulls away slightly to look you in the eyes, his chocolate brows orbs already red due to the tears rolling down his face.

“What do you want me to do? Do you want me to make more time for you, because I will. I’ll stop doing hero work if it means you’ll stay with me.”

“I don’t want you to stop doing what you think is right, I just… I want to be an active part of your life, Peter. I want you to not kiss random girls you meet. I want to feel like I’m in a relationship with someone, rather than just being by myself all the time. Is that too much to ask for?” He shakes his head quickly.

“Of course not. I’m sorry I made you feel alone.” He buries his head in your neck

“I love you, y/n.” He murmurs.

You sigh quietly, as you try to wriggle away from his grasp.

“Could you let me hold you, just for a little while? I don’t want you to go.” You could feel small droplets hit your skin as he lets his tears fall from his face.

It crushed your soul to make him upset, and you knew you shouldn’t forgive him yet. You had to let him know how much it hurt you, and if that meant hurting him just the same… you weren’t sure if you could do it. Just his muffled sobs were enough to make you melt into his arms, ready to forgive whatever he did.

“If I forgive you…” he looks at you with hopeful brown eyes.

“You have to promise you won’t let girls kiss you anymore, it makes me feel like you don’t care about me.” He nods his head as he brings his hands to your cheeks, wiping some of the tears gently from your face.

“For you, I’d do anything.”

[theatrelove3000]

Nightmares

I don’t know how many people are actually going to read this, but if you are, Hi! I am a writer that doesn’t post my work publicly. I recently talked to another writer, @thelokiimaginechronicles who was kind enough to take time out of her day to read some of my work and encourage me to post it. I have decided to do so. This is my first time posting my Loki/OC anywhere so I hope whoever is reading it likes it!

This is an established relationship so there isn’t a slow burn or anything like that.

Summary: Noelle has a nightmare and her lover, Loki comforts her. (I got the idea of this fic from a video on youtube of Tom Hiddleston reading poetry. This is the link to that video if you’re interested. Video of Tom reading

Nightmares

3rd Person:

It is dark. Very dark. Noelle’s eyes begin to adjust to the darkness, enough to make out shapes in the gloom. Something moves out of the corner of her eye and she automatically moves to grab the dagger at her hip only to realize that it’s gone. She tries not to panic as she scans the area surrounding her.

“Hello?” She calls into the nothingness, “Hello?”

From the distance, a figure moves forth, coming towards her.

“Who’s there? Where am I?”

She receives no response but the being is getting closer.

Her eyes move about her surroundings. Where is her dagger?

She had only been looking down for a moment when she looked back up to see the advancing figure standing right in front of her. She couldn’t make out a face, for the being was shrouded in a dark cloak that covered it from head to foot. She didn’t know that she was screaming until she bolted upright in bed.

Noelle POV:

“Shit,” I whisper to myself. I pull my knees up to my chest and count my breaths, trying to pull myself back together.

“Goddamn it.” I throw the silky purple sheets of my bed back and pull on a thin cardigan to protect me from the cool night air. Before I know what I’m doing, I am walking through the castle in my nightgown and sweater, barefoot. I don’t really think about where I am going until I get there.

I open the door to the library and go right to Loki’s desk. I knew he was there, he usually is, and sure enough, he turns in his chair, sensing my arrival. He is bent over his desk, reading some large volume he must have pulled off the bookshelves hours ago, as he is halfway through it.

He looks over his shoulder at me with a smirk teasing his lips. I must have looked freaked out because his slight smile turned to a confused look then a frown as he stood and met me halfway to him.

The sight of him made me start picking up my pace until I was running straight into his waiting arms.

“Hush, Noelle, hush. What is the matter? Are you alright?” I didn’t realize I was crying until he pulled away to hold my face, running his thumbs along my cheeks, catching the falling tears.

I just nod then, realizing that I’m clearly not, shake my head and bury my face in his chest. He nods and wraps his arms tightly, almost protectively, around me again.

He picks me up gently and I instinctively wrap my arms around his neck hiding my face in his shoulder. He walks us both over to the sofa in the middle of the Royal Library and sits down, keeping me on his lap.

We hold onto each other tightly as he let’s me cry on his shoulder, stroking my hair and whispering reassurances to me. “It will be alright, love. I’m right here. You are alright.”

I start babbling nonsense about when I remembered from the dream. Dark cloaks and my missing dagger. How dark it was. He sits there patiently, telling me I am safe and he won’t let anything happen to me.

I don’t know how long we sat like this. All I know is I am exhausted. Loki seems to know this and moves me off his lap, laying me down across the sofa with my head in his lap.

“Do you wish to tell me about it?” He asked gently, playing with my hair. I shake my head. I do not want to relive that nightmare.

He nods and continues to play with my hair. He hums quietly, soothing me even more.

“I found a book I think you will enjoy. I can read to you if you would like,” his velvet voice drawls quietly to me. I nod and start to sit up, expecting him to stand up to retrieve the book but he puts a hand on my shoulder, keeping me in my place. I cock an eyebrow at him and he waves his hands theatrically, making the book appear out of thin air.

“Showoff.” I mutter and he chuckles, opening the book, beginning to read quietly.

“The time will come

when, with elation

you will greet yourself arriving

at your own door, in your own mirror

and each will smile at the other’s welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.

You will love again the stranger who was your self.

Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart

to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored

for another, who knows you by heart.”

He pauses for a moment, looking to see if I was awake before continuing,

“Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,

peel your own image from the mirror.

Sit. Feast on your life.”

He finishes the poem and flips a few pages, searching for another one he likes. I watch him. His beautiful face is shaded by candlelight. His cheekbones high and sharp, jawline that could cut someone. Piercing emerald green eyes that melt my soul. He was too beautiful for any Midgardian to see completely. I was lucky enough to be half Asgardian and am able to enjoy his beauty completely.

He finds the next poem and begins again,

“Let me not to the marriage of true minds

Admit impediments. Love is not love

Which alters when it alteration finds,

Or bends with the remover to remove.

O no! it is an ever-fixed mark

That looks on tempests and is never shaken;

It is the star to every wand'ring bark,

Whose worth’s unknown, although his height be taken.

Love’s not Time’s fool, though rosy lips and cheeks

Within his bending sickle’s compass come;

Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,

But bears it out even to the edge of doom.

If this be error and upon me prov’d,

I never writ, nor no man ever lov’d.”

By the end, I am reciting it with him without even looking at the words. He looks down at me again with a smile and a questioning eyebrow.

“I recognize it. It’s my favorite Sonnet by William Shakespeare. He wrote hundreds of them.” I explain how my father had given me a book of sonnets for Christmas when I was 10, just before he returned to Asgard.

“Interesting,” he says softly,“This is a book of Midgardian poetry so it does not surprise that you know the author. I suppose I wasn’t expecting you to know the Sonnet.”

I smile lightly, feeling more tired listening to him speak, hearing the pages of the book being turned, the heat from the fire a few feet away. I know I won’t last much longer.

Loki POV:

She was falling asleep. I resolve to read her a few more to sooth her. She was very panicked when she got here, but she seems to have calmed down.

I flip through the book again, glancing down at her every now and then to see if she is still awake. She is, just staring into the fire.

Finding another poem that I find entertaining I begin to read aloud,

“may i feel said he

(i’ll squeal said she

just once said he)

it’s fun said she

(may i touch said he

how much said she

a lot said he)

why not said she

(let’s go said he

not too far said she

what’s too far said he

where you are said she)

may i stay said he

which way said she

like this said he

if you kiss said she

may i move said he

is it love said she)

if you’re willing said he

(but you’re killing said she

but it’s life said he

but your wife said she

now said he)

ow said she

(tiptop said he

don’t stop said she

oh no said he)

go slow said she

(cccome?said he

ummm said she)

you’re divine!said he

(you are Mine said she)” I look down again as I finish the piece and see she is still gazing into the fire, though her cheeks have flushed a bit from the words of the poem. That is the result I had hoped for from reading it.

I begin looking through the book again, looking for one more. One more and she will be asleep, I tell myself. It is not that I do not like reading out loud, especially to Noelle, I love it, in fact; I am just tired as well and wish to go to bed myself.

“She walks in beauty, like the night

Of cloudless climes and starry skies;

And all that’s best of dark and bright

Meet in her aspect and her eyes;

Thus mellowed to that tender light

Which heaven to gaudy day denies.

One shade the more, one ray the less,

Had half impaired the nameless grace

Which waves in every raven tress,

Or softly lightens o’er her face;

Where thoughts serenely sweet express,

How pure, how dear their dwelling-place.

And on that cheek, and o’er that brow,

So soft, so calm, yet eloquent,

The smiles that win, the tints that glow,

But tell of days in goodness spent,

A mind at peace with all below,

A heart whose love is innocent!” I glance down at the beautiful woman in my lap and see she is asleep. I grin a bit at the sight. She looks so peaceful and happy when she sleeps.

It is only then that I think my decision through: allowing her to fall asleep on a sofa in the library, knowing that I either have to carry her to her room or teleport which would be incredibly dangerous. Letting her sleep here in the library is not an option either; what if someone comes in to find her alone here or has another nightmare? No. We cannot have that.

I decide that I could take her to my room, have her sleep there with me where I can be close if she needs me.

I let her sleep for a bit longer to ensure that she is truly asleep before slipping my arm around her back, the other under her knees. I gently move her until she is sitting in my lap the way she was before I began to read to her.

From there I stand up, realizing how tired I was as well. I could feel the weight of the day in my shoulders and legs and resolve to walk to my room rather than teleport. I do not want to injure myself, let alone Noelle.

I begin walking through the empty halls of the castle, Noelle fast asleep in my arms, her own wrapped around my neck instinctively.

My chambers are not far from the library so it was not a long walk. I unlock and open the door with a flicker of my fingers and light some candles with another movement. Magic is very helpful at times like this. I kick the door shut with my heel and make my way over to my large canopy bed. I lay my love down and begin to undress myself, leaving my pants on because I am a gentleman who does not take advantage of women in moments of weakness.

I crawl into bed after her and cover us both with the deep green sheets. I try not to disturb her but when she begins tossing and turning, I pull her to my chest. I roll so that I’m on my back with her tucked under my right arm, her head resting on the place my arm and shoulder connect to the rest of my body. She calms instantly and immediately, her hands move so one covers mine on her waist, almost like she is keeping my there, the other resting on my chest above my heartbeat.

I listen to her breathing, slow and steady and peaceful. It had been a long time since I slept in the same bed as another person and I would being lying if I said that I did not miss it. The soothing sound of her breathing that told me that she was alright, the heat radiating from our bodies warming the bed faster than one could do on their own.

I fall asleep soon after she does, the sound and feel of her comforting all the anxiety that usually keeps me up at night.