#so I do what I saw to myself in a controlled environment with everything I need to fix it

[theres-whump-in-that-nebula]

Does anyone else in the whump community watch Brave Wilderness, or….

[leejenowrld]

hey saw you’re doing an “ask the characters” for the new jeno fic so i thought i’d ask jeno and yn some questions.

to jeno, what’s your favourite thing about y/n? do you still feel sorry about ghosting her during your exams? what’s your favourite thing to do with her when having sex? has yn met your parents? what did they think of her?

yes! i am, i know a lot of people loved it for mfal so i thought i’d open it up for this :)

jeno — how confident and self assured she is but how her kindness and open mindedness doesn’t come in expense of that. i also adore how talented and committed she is to the things and people she loves, she cares a lot, she’s taught me a lot about what true love should look like and the art of dedication

jeno — of course i do, at the time i didn’t realise how upset it truly made her and i’m annoyed at myself for being so careless with her emotions. so from now on when i’m busy i always try to make time for her and prioritise her, it’s what she deserves, and she does the same for me. i don’t ever want her to feel forgotten again.

jeno — mmmh i love everything about sex with her but i just love when she’s under my complete control, when i’ve got her hands tied or i just tell her not to move her hands or arms and she listens to me because she’s my good girl, when her body is spread out and open just for me, when she squirms beneath me and shouts ‘daddy’ and fuck, the way she looks at me, her eyes wide, her chest heaving, especially right before I tighten my grip around her throat. when i pull her close, spit into her mouth, watch her swallow it down and beg for more. just when she lets me do anything i want to her

jeno — she has! i arranged a dinner pretty early on in mine and yn’s relationship because i was serious about her and wanted to show her that. she was incredibly nervous and shy, it was so cute, she got them the nicest gifts ever and really stressed about what to wear/say/do and how to act but i just reassured her that they’d love her. y/n was super shy at first, just like she always is when meeting new people and in environments where she’s not used to, she’ll always cling to me and it’s cute, she’s cute but seeing her get comfortable after time? breaking out of her shell, becoming more at ease… god, it reminds me of why i fell in love with her. my parents love her, they see how happy she makes me and how blessed i am to have her love and it’s so heart warming to see her get along with my parents. i’m surprised because there’s times y/n will send me a photo and she’s with my mum and my older sister and they’re just doing girl stuff and it’s ??? wow. she is fr the love of my life. the first night i introduced y/n to my family, my mum and dad pulled me aside and told me “you have to marry her.”

[crystalsenergy]

Navigating transit Saturn in Pisces: for Piscean natal placements (ASC to Jupiter)

It is important to know and firmly fix in your mind that Saturn is an energy, not a pure consciousness, and as energy, it is manipulated by ourselves, whether we use it for something constructive or negative.

Thus, if the Saturnian energy is used for maturation, the experience will be less burdensome. If your experience with Saturn in Pisces is unconscious, involving escapism, or guilt, with much weight placed upon yourself, Saturn's influence will seem harsh, heavy, hostile. It is us who act, we are the ones who hold the power and influence over our own lives, not simply "the universe."

Some observations for aspects/manifestations of Saturn in your personality at this moment:

Saturn touching, in conjunction...

...Ascendant in Pisces:

a strong moment that will bring various situations regarding yourself. Situations where you may have a more rigid self-view, or others may demand a closed-off stance from you or appear very harsh regarding how you (should) present yourself. Regardless of who you are, Saturn touching Pisces on the Ascendant aims to bring maturity to your personality, making you a Master in the art of what comes in and goes out, of what affects you and what shouldn't.

We say this because the Ascendant in Pisces is like a parabolic antenna constantly in connection and reception with the universe - the universe in the sense of everything that comes into contact with the person.

That being said, it is important for the individual to separate the wheat from the chaff in their life, what nourishes and what drains, what elevates and what reduces vital energy, vibration. It is important for the individual to build maturity regarding the energetic exchanges they engage in and their own functioning. An intuitive being who does not know this side of themselves becomes a slave to their exterior, and therefore, Saturn ends up seeming too harsh, bringing you back to earth, making things heavy.

However, we can look at this moment and ask ourselves: how did I act before everything seemed so harsh in my relationships and exchanges with the world? How is my relationship with myself? Did I pay attention, intuitively but also wisely, to what I felt when I saw and was close to X person, Y environment? How much do I control my own mind?

These are interesting questions that can guide you to a path of greater clarification regarding the somewhat harsh energies that may seem to be surrounding you. It is also important not to punish yourself too much for past mistakes, as guilt is one of the lowest frequencies that exist (the Hawkins Scale demonstrates this very well) and brings self-criticism and a weight that seems to burden us for a long time.

We need to understand, as I have already said, that Saturn is energy, not pure consciousness, and as energy, it is manipulated by ourselves, whether we use it for something constructive or negative. Thus, in an influence like this, if you use Saturn's energy to blame yourself for past "failures," the process will indeed become heavier, and the planet will not be the "guilty" one.

...Sun in Pisces:

Doubts may arise regarding your individuality. Sensitivity may be heightened, quite evident. You may feel something that "hits" very intensely, causing doubt and self-criticism about who you have been. As Saturn and Pisces don't converse so well, the Piscean Saturnian lessons come in a harsh, austere language, where it may seem like the problem lies within, when in reality the issue is how much Piscean vibrations have been integrated into life - especially the life around you (society). The lack of Piscean energy and the integration of what Pisces represents in collective life brings us this feeling of emptiness and that there is no space for our existence here. But of course there is!

...Moon in Pisces:

Here, Saturn's harshness over Pisces touches on internal and emotional issues.

Internally, you may be very rigid, not quite understanding your emotional demands. You may feel a need to emotionally respond to life, to yourself, and to emotional matters in a rigid, closed-off, overly practical manner. But that's not the best way of dealing with Saturn.

With Pisces, Saturn brings us an earthly energy that is put on the table in a practical way, but the things brought to the table for us to face are immaterial, psychic, abstract. Therefore, even in aspect with the Moon, we see a possible emotional difficulty in navigating Piscean matters without a feeling of self-censorship.

The advice for those with the Moon in Pisces is to try to navigate Saturn's need for closure with wisdom, seeking emotional maturity and improvement, seeking to structure their internal lives rather than falling into the traps of avoiding the unconscious and emotional issues, thus ending up building more debts with oneself.

...Mercury in Pisces:

Mercury in Pisces in the natal chart represents much of the search for what the environment and people around us have to say. Even if you don't realize it, a person with this placement has immense ease in reading the environments and the people around them. When Saturn touches this aspect of your personality, it brings the importance of grounding what you read from others.

Because it has an energy of seeking utility and practicality, Saturn tries to tell us that all the sensitivity felt by the mind, which by the way, is not easy to handle (Mercury in Pisces is an exiled position), can indeed be very useful and practical.

However, because it is a language that Mercury in Pisces is not very accustomed to - it is more abstract, intuitive, and indirect - it can be a bit challenging to understand what to do and, ultimately, that you are being led to do something with all the intuition felt.

An example of practical action for a highly intuitive Mercury in Pisces, impacted by others: noticing how much the energy of the environment dictates the energy of your day while you are there [and sometimes even after you leave the environment]. From there, you can take actions to avoid such an environment if it harms you and is possible, or start looking for ways to protect yourself so that only your energy remains with you.

...Venus in Pisces:

Venus in Pisces can be likened to a manifestation of sacrifices within relationships. It can also be seen, in some cases, as a reflection of a person who lives very much in their unconscious in relationships - reflecting fears and traumas in friendship and romantic choices. Yes, this can happen to anyone, but some people bring certain patterns more strongly with them because they live in constant contact with their unconscious, but not in a present manner. Venus in Pisces can have various facets, be beneficial or detrimental, as everything will always depend on the individual and their level of self-awareness and consciousness.

Either way, I see that when Venus meets with Saturn, both in Pisces, they bring a search for relationships that reflect your unconscious in a conscious manner (it sounds ambiguous, doesn't it? but it is very possible to look at what our unconscious brings us in a clear and present manner, that is, conscious of what affects us).

This importance of seeking clearer relationships and less "unconscious" ones will appear in different ways, depending on each being, chart, and life story. But I see that relationships will certainly require more concrete actions and less distance from each individual's consciousness, thus it may shake up the relationship area a bit, whether romantic or friendly, as it will bring you back to earth until you develop an awareness that you are rich in contact with your unconscious mind. However, the contact needs to be wise and transformative.

...Mars in Pisces:

Saturn with Mars can signify the limitation of Piscean energy, the limitation of Mars energy that would come through actions and reactions. However, it can also signify a moment of greater responsibility and maturity regarding how much your actions and reactions have been based on consciousness and something beneficial - to you and to those around you.

Saturn limits, makes things practical, complicates things a bit when we deal with him and Pisces together, for the reasons we've discussed before, but still, we see in this transit an immense potential to learn to act wisely with your own intuition and energy.

Learning to see, responsibly, your needs that were previously unconscious and starting to heal them or indeed attend to them, within what is important and healthy.

Mars is action, seeking self-satisfaction, independence, survival instinct, and reaction. When we see Mars in Pisces, we see unconscious instincts very much governing this being's life - be it the unconscious of others, our own, both... Saturn can be an important catalyst for changes and for using your intuition/energy/empathy in a wise and constructive way, instead of wasting it in any situation, person, or environment.

...Jupiter in Pisces:

Saturn brings to those with Jupiter in Pisces the importance of centering and focusing energies, having a healthy action, and not simply expressing empathy, the search for connection, and something immaterial without limits or consciousness.

Saturn represents focus, centering, materialization, and practicality. In this sense, it brings the energy that Jupiter needs to understand that not everything is just about experimenting and experiencing; we also need objectives, focuses, and a search for results. And that the value of things cannot only come from experience but also from analysis and organization.

Because when we plan and organize ourselves, we direct energy towards it and little by little, plans are built and succeed. In terms of what Jupiter in Pisces tends to deal with, Saturn will bring some "brakes," which may come in different ways. Brakes through difficulties, or through limitations.

An example: brakes on intuitive, energetic, or spiritual experiences (whether conscious or not), which may be done excessively or even without the native realizing they are doing them.

Brakes on how much you overly engage (Jupiter) with others' energies (Pisces). Saturn will bring the importance of reflecting before acting, of measuring where you are directing your immense empathy and giving, and at the same time, it will seek to bring you the energy to act and transform what you want to do, rather than at the first opportunity show what you have, without seeing if that is the right time.

Finally, in the case of beings with Jupiter in Pisces representing immense victimization, manipulation, or other more negative nuances, Saturn brings a certain harshness, unfortunately, because it is a way for the native to realize that this is not the best way to proceed with the strong energy of Jupiter in Pisces. This will happen in a movement of action and effect.

[thrashkink-coven]

Hey there! I've been looking on Tumblr for someone who is experienced in ritual work with deities and isn't exclusive to Greek or Norse gods/goddesses. I've been practicing for a bit less than 3 years and I'm quite new to Demonolatry, and I don't know anyone who shares knowledge or experience on it, so I wanted to reach out for advice to someone who knows their craft. And I saw that you work with Lucifer so I was hoping you'd know about it?

I recently did a ritual (I practice traditional Demonolatry) and while I meditated I fell into a sudden trance. I've done meditation and rituals before, but this was completely new and I have never experienced this. I suddenly got scared because I didn't know what was happening and my body was moving like on it's own. Or maybe I imagined that?

I wanted to ask if this is normal, if you've ever experienced something like that? Does deep trance happen during ritual? Because I'm a bit uneasy about it and don't know how to go from here since there was a lot of energy that I didn't know where it came from and I just rushed out of the ritual. Do you have any advice or know someone who could help me? Thanks in advance.

Hi, yes! This has definitely happened to me before, most prominently when I was first really getting into my practice with Archangels. What I believe may have happened is that you had your first major "breakthrough" which is naturally unnerving because its so unnatural.

I've made a post in the past about "third eye opening techniques," and mentioned that once you start really falling into your first trance, your brain will usually snap you out of it. You'll get butterflies or feel like you're falling, and your brain will automatically make you "wake up". It may force a thought if only to make sure you can still think because your mind is so abnormally quiet; the only other time you enter this kind of "wavelength" is when you are in deep sleep, or dying. The brain is naturally averted to these things. However, in the right environment, when things align in a peculiar way, you may be more predisposed to accepting a trance. This happens most often to me when I'm seriously focused on meditating on a sigil or enn to the point where I become completely consumed with my intention of channeling a deity or spirt. This is very hard to describe with words, but you feel as though everything has stopped, you're almost a part of the environment whilst simultaneously not being "there". You're inside your body but you're not, and everything is quiet and connected.

What this really is, is a minor ego death. People who take psychedelics probably empathize easily with this feeling. Once you start learning how to counteract the natural abortive instinct, you will enter a trance like state.

The very first time I truly experienced this was with Archangel Jophiel, who has been a massive guide to me in my craft in regards to dealing with my disbelief and skepticism. I remember falling into a deep trance, in which I felt like I was no longer even in my body, but I could feel myself rising from a laying to sitting position, and when Jophiel ordered me to, I extended my hand out to him without controlling it. I immediately snapped out of it, freaked out and questioned my experience for days afterwards.

This isn't actually all that uncommon, especially in regards to deity work, mediumship and necromancy. Automatic writing for example, is a form of divination in which practitioners allow a deity or spirit to move their hand when holding a pencil. The resulting words or drawing are then interpreted by the practitioner when they have returned from the trance state.

These things can happen on accident, but its important that it's not happening unintentionally often, as this can result in developing a dissociative disorder. Grounding exercises that are typically used for things like anxiety and panic attacks can actually help very much with staying planted after a trance or an astral journey.

If you're interested in things like divination, mediumship or astral projection then practicing this skill could be very useful to you. It is a very helpful avenue for me when communicating with Lucifer. However if the idea makes you uncomfortable or distressed, using sensory tools and textures during meditation can help greatly in remaining connected to your body even while in states of deep focus. This experience is usually freaky to anyone who has it, so I wouldn't worry about it too much.

One book that I read that helped me really understand this phenomenon was "The Book of Spirit Communications" by Raymond Buckland. It speaks about the history of Mediumship as well as some techniques to practice entering trance states.

[forhappysake]

What Lurks Within, Pt. 2

Author’s Note: I told myself if I got ten responses to Part 1 that I’d do a Part 2. Here it is!

Content: Upon arriving in Denver, Spencer and Y/N visit the latest crime scene. After meeting with the case detective, the BAU discovers they are working against an unsub who is much closer to the team than initially anticipated. 

Warnings: Typical BAU-level violence, hom!c!de, examining a crime scene, established relationship, very light fluff, a hostile work environment and brief arguments ensue

I slept dreamlessly on our flight, until I felt someone gently shaking me. Wincing at the sudden intrusion of light as I opened my eyes, Spencer’s voice greeted me, “Well hello, sleepyhead. Welcome to Denver.” I groaned, groggily rubbing my eyes. 

“That’s not possible, I just went to sleep,” I mumbled, exasperated. I pulled myself off his shoulder and leaned back in my seat, shutting my eyes again.

“Actually, you went to sleep about three and a half hours ago. We’re here, honey.” I felt his long fingers gently comb through my messy hair. 

“What time is it?” I asked, dreading his response. 

“About three in the morning, our time,” he answered. I audibly groaned. Opening my eyes once more, I saw Matt bent over Luke, trying to wake him from his slumber. Emily was shaking Rossi’s shoulder, to which he responded with some very colorful Italian phrases. JJ was the only member who stood ready to exit the jet. 

“Glad to know I’m not the only one struggling to get up,” I said matter-of-factly. I rolled my neck, trying to release the tension that had formed while leaning against Spencer for hours. “Has anyone ever told you that you don’t make a very good pillow?”

“Only you, honey,” he smiled. “Come on, let’s get off this jet and into the car. You can sleep for a couple more minutes on the way to the local precinct, if it makes you feel any better.” He rose from his seat, stretching his hand out to me. I reached for his hand, wrapping my fingers around his wrist. He gently pulled me up from my seat. “Don’t forget your go-bag.” 

“I’ve got it under control, my genius,” I said with a smile. Grabbing my bag from the seat, I turned one last time to see if Emily and Matt had made any progress with waking up Rossi or Luke. Thankfully, Luke had arisen. He slowly stood up and reached his arms for the ceiling, stretching out as I had done moments before. Rossi, on the other hand, was fighting Emily’s attempts with everything in him. 

“I run this ship. Hasn’t anyone told you not to poke the bear? Let this old man rest.” Rossi swatted at Emily’s hand on his shoulder. 

A playful smile tugged at the corner of Emily’s lips. She pulled back, placing her hands on her hips, “Need I remind you that I technically run this ship now, and that you’re batting at your superior?” Rossi bitterly opened one eye. Sighing, he rose from his seat with a grunt. 

“It’s unfortunate when they get so old that they can’t move without groaning,” Emily said, to which Rossi offered a deathly glare. I couldn’t help but giggle, as I turned back towards the door of the jet. JJ and Spencer stood on the stairs, watching the comical show unraveling in front of us. 

“You think that he’d eventually learn to wake up with some level of grace,” Spencer said while taking the final steps off the jet and on to the tarmac. 

Luke’s voice came from behind me, “Nah, he’s too old, too set in his ways.” I nodded in agreement. As the rest of the team filed off the jet, the cold Colorado air sent a chill down my spine. Rossi stumbled down the stairs with his go-bag in-hand as he covered his eyes with sunglasses, despite the total darkness surrounding us. 

“Tough night, Rossi?” Matt asked, teasingly. 

“You have no idea, kid,” Rossi retorted, making his way to the closest of the three black SUVs which awaited our arrival. Opening the back, driver’s side door, he threw his go-bag in the seat across from him, climbed inside, and slammed the door shut. The window tint prevented us from seeing him any longer. The team let out a collective giggle. 

“Alright,” Emily said, shaking her head, “time to get serious. JJ and Matt, I want you guys to work on victimology. Head to the Denver station. Get everything you can from Garcia and the local P.D. about the victims and their families.” JJ and Matt nodded. “Oh- and take Luke with you,” Emily shouted as an after-thought. 

Luke furrowed his brow. “She forgot I was here,” he said in a tone of faux offense. He placed a hand over his chest, as if nursing a broken heart. 

Emily rolled her eyes, “Cut me some slack, it’s three in the morning.” With that, Luke shrugged and followed JJ and Matt to the second black SUV. “As for you two,” Emily turned to Spencer and I, “You’re going to the latest dump site at Ashwood Park. It should still be an active crime scene. See if you can pick up anything that local law enforcement might have missed.” 

You and Spencer nodded in unison. “Where are you and Rossi going?” Spencer asked. Emily sighed, lips becoming a thin line in displeasure. She crossed her arms over her body. 

“David and I are also going to the local P.D. to meet with the police chief in private,” she shook her head in disappointment. “I have been very displeased with the way this case is being handled and the lack of communication from their department, and I intend on letting them know.” 

“Ah,” Spencer said. I nodded in understanding. It was only fitting that the police chief knew what an absolute disaster his team had created. 

Suddenly, a whirring noise signaled the rolling down of an SUV window and Rossi’s voice came bellowing from the back seat, “Emily, are we going or what?” Without turning her head, Emily raised her eyebrows. 

“I love dealing with him when he’s like this,” she mumbled. 

“Like what?” I asked, knitting my eyebrows together. 

“When he’s hungover and pissed because a case took him away from his poker night,” she said with a smile. “Emily,” Rossi’s voice came from the SUV again. “I’m cold, I have a headache. Let’s get moving.” 

“Good luck, you two… though I think I’ll need it more,” she turned and made her way to the SUV, hopping in the driver’s seat. Rossi, still in the back seat, slowly rolled up his window, disappearing behind the tinted glass. I looked up at Spencer, who tried to suppress his smile. It was all pretty hilarious, truly. 

“Well, enough of that,” Spencer said. “Time to get serious.” I nodded in agreement.

“Who's driving?” I asked. 

Spencer raised his eyebrows incredulously. “Are you kidding me? I am never letting you drive again after experiencing your behind-the-wheel ‘skills’ last week in Miami.” He accentuated the word ‘skills’ with air quotes. 

I let my jaw drop in fake disgust. “Whatever do you mean? You mean you don’t like going 115 in a 75?”

“That is exactly what I mean, as well as several other bad aspects of your driving we don’t have time to get into. Come on.” Making our way to the SUV, Spencer climbed into the driver’s seat and I into the passenger’s seat. 

Spencer started the vehicle, fumbling to turn the heat up. He opened the maps application on the SUV’s touch screen, “Emily should’ve sent directions to the park to your tablet. Can you pull them up on the screen, please?” You pulled your tablet out of your bag and shared the directions Emily provided to the SUV screen. “Alright,” Spencer said, “Off we go.”

Driving in silence for thirty minutes, you soaked up the new sights of Colorado. After only a year and a half with the team, you’d yet to work a case here. You were a bit disappointed you wouldn’t be able to experience the fun side of the state because of this case. As a result, you made a mental note to pay attention to possible vacation activities for you and Spencer to consider before your next trip.

Arriving at the park, Emily was correct about the location being an active crime scene. Photographers, policemen, and yellow tape surrounded the scene. Despite the large police presence, the number of media outlets set up around the park was doubly concerning. 

“The unsub getting all this media attention can’t be good,” I said to Spencer before climbing out of the SUV. He bobbed his head in agreement as he climbed out the driver’s side. 

“Agents,” a local detective approached us. His thick black mustache and shaggy hair made him look like a 70s porn star. I reached out my hand, offering a firm handshake as Spencer offered a small wave of his hand. “Welcome to Denver. I’m Detective Whittendon,” he said as he returned my handshake, offering Spencer a curt nod of acknowledgement. 

“Detective Whittendon, I’m Agent L/N. This is Dr. Spencer Reid.” I tried to recite the formal introductions Emily taught me as efficiently as possible, “The BAU is here to assist your team in any way we can.” 

“Thank God. We need all the help we can get on this one. If you’ll follow me this way…” He trailed off as he turned to face the taped-off scene behind him. Spencer and I followed him close behind, approaching the yellow crime scene tape, attached to a blue swing set which roped off the area.  

I saw the body before we’d crossed under the tape. With a slashed throat and heavy bruising covering his naked body, he had surely been in captivity before his death. We ducked under the tape and approached the body. Spencer crouched down, examining the ligature marks on the victim’s wrists and ankles. “Who’s the victim?” Spencer asked, looking up at Detective Whittendon. 

“Thirty-five year old bank teller, Jeff Olsen,” Whittendon said, not taking his eyes off the body. In a lot of ways, Olsen’s appearance reminded me of Spencer. Brown hair, stubbled face, thin frame and tall build. What if that was Spencer on the ground? I forced myself to look away, drawing a shaky breath. No time for what-ifs and unfounded fears, Y/N… Get it together… 

“These ligature marks suggest he was in captivity for days before his death,” I vocalized. Spencer and Whittendon nodded. 

“This means the unsub has a place he can hold these men. It’s private enough that he can get away with beating and torturing them before he kills them,” Spencer surmised. 

Whittendon looked at me. “We’ve got a team working on a geographical profile to try and narrow down possible locations of his hide-out,” he said. 

“Detective Whittendon,” I started, “with all due respect, your department has not been very forthcoming with correct information about the dump sites and manner of death in these cases.” The detective cocked his head to the side, furrowing his brow. He brought a hand up to his face, rubbing over the stubble on his unshaved cheeks. 

“Agent L/N, that doesn’t make sense. I personally file those reports and hand them over to the tech team. I’m very thorough. There must be some mistake.” I tried to read his face for any sign that he may be lying, or that he might have some doubts about his own carelessness. If he had a tell, I didn’t notice. I turned my attention back to Spencer, who narrowed his eyes as he also tried to analyze Whittendon’s response. 

I nodded, believing his claim for the time-being. “We’ll ask our technical analyst about it when we return to the local office,” I said. “Until then, have your crime scene technicians found any clues throughout the area?” 

Whittendon shook his head, “Nothing… well, except for this.” He walked over to a small table set up by the crime scene investigators, gently picking up a bag. Whittendon held the bag out to me, and I took it gently from his hands. Inside the clear bag was a small red marble, with white swirls surrounding the fragile class it was made from. 

“And where was this found?” Spencer asked, rising from his crouched position next to the body and leaning over me to get a better look at the marble. 

“In the victim’s mouth,” Whittendon said, shifting uncomfortably on his feet. “I believe it was put there post-mortem.”

“Has this been a theme throughout all the crime scenes?” I asked, handing the bag back to Whittendon. 

He accepted the bag, turning to place it back on the CSI table. “Yes,” he said. “There’s been a marble found at each scene. However, this was the first time it’s been placed inside the victim rather than dropped next to the body.” His eyes scanned Spencer and I’s faces for our thoughts on the strange calling card. I made eye contact with my boyfriend, who returned my gaze. 

“This is something we didn’t know about until now,” I told Whittendon. His jaw dropped a bit, eyes bulging incredulously. 

“I’ve included this detail in all my final reports. You’re telling me none of this information got to D.C.?” He ran his hands over his face in frustration. I shook my head in response. “I’ll have a talk with my tech team when I get back to the office… I can’t believe this sh-” he turned away from Spencer and I once more, ducking back under the police tape and walking away from the scene. 

“What do you think, Spence?” I asked. He walked around the victim’s body once more, returning to stand by my side. He gently grabbed me by the arm, pulling me away from the photographers and crime scene analysts still examining the scene. “Where are we going?” Taking me in the opposite direction Whittendon had just gone, and ducking under the crime scene tape, he stopped us behind some of the park’s small trees. 

We were out of earshot from the locals, and a serious look crossed Spencer’s face as he looked around to make sure nobody was listening to us once more. “Spencer, what is going on?” I asked. 

“I think someone inside the local police department is disrupting the investigation by altering the files. You saw the way Whittendon looked when he found out we hadn’t gotten the information he set aside for us,” his tongue dashed out over his lower lip before he continued. “We should get back to the precinct and tell the rest of the team what’s going on.”

I nodded fervently. “You’re right. I’ll tell Whittendon that our unit chief wants us back at the office. You call JJ and tell her to gather everyone in the conference room. Let her know we’re on our way.” He slipped his phone out of his pocket, dialing numbers while I began looking for Whittendon. When I found him, he stood by himself, smoking a cigarette in the parking lot behind a patrol car, hiding from the local media. 

“These damned reporters. All they ever want is more gore and another quote for their headline,” he took another draw of his cigarette before dropping it on the parking lot and stamping it out with his boot. 

“I know how it is,” I responded, resting a kind hand on his shoulder. Gently pulling my hand away, I cleared my throat. “Detective, I came to tell you that our unit chief requested Dr. Reid and I head over to the precinct.” 

Whittendon looked down at me and nodded. “I’m sure I’ll see both of you there. I sent a message to my tech team. We’ve got a very serious conversation to have,” he said with a deep sigh. 

“Of course, we’ll see you there,” I responded. Despite his concern, I refused to tell Whittendon what Spencer suspected was happening within his department. You can never be too careful. You never know whose side someone might be on. 

I heard footsteps approaching and turned to see Spencer coming towards us. “The team knows we’re on the way,” he said. “Are you ready to go?” I turned back to Whittendon one more time, who offered me a small nod, as if to say he didn’t need any more from us at the moment. 

“Yes, let’s go.” I turned away from the detective and followed Spencer back to the black SUV he’d left in the parking lot. We climbed in our respective seats as Spencer started the vehicle, and I plugged the precinct’s address into the SUV’s digital map.

“I guess Emily was right,” Spencer said as he slowly pulled out of the park’s parking lot. “We do have our work cut out for us, here.” I took a deep breath in response, leaning my head back against the passenger’s seat headrest as I tried to replay the conversations we’d just had in our mind, wondering if I’d missed anything. “You alright?” Spencer asked, reaching a hand over to rest on my thigh. 

“Yeah, Spence,” I said, “just taking some mental notes and making sure I didn’t miss anything.” The rest of the trip was made in silence, as the twenty minute drive to the precinct felt like hours with the weight of Spencer’s suspicion resting on both of our shoulders. After we arrived, we walked inside. I scanned the room for familiar faces, and saw Matt standing in the conference room with Luke, JJ, Rossi, and Emily all gathered around the large table. 

“Lead the way,” I told Spencer, gesturing to the conference room. We walked through the desk-crowded office to the conference room, Spencer holding the door open for me as I slipped in behind him. I heard a small click as he pressed the door knob’s lock into place, as I got to work shutting the blinds so any local workers wouldn’t be able to see what was happening inside. 

“What is going on with you guys?” JJ asked. “You’re locking this place up like Fort Knox.” She raised an eyebrow as Matt placed his hands on his hips. Luke cocked his head to the side, silently questioning our actions. Rossi and Emily leaned back in their chairs, preparing for whatever bombshell we were about to drop.

Once I closed the last blind, I turned to face the group as Spencer made his way to the head of the table. “Sit here, Matt. We’ve got a lot to discuss,” I gestured to the seat next to me. Without saying a word, Matt sat down next to me, folding his arms in front of him as Spencer settled into his chair. 

“Okay,” I nodded, “go ahead, Spence.” 

“Okay.” He sat up straight, eyeing the team. “I think I know why the communication we’ve received from this office has been so awful.” 

Emily lifted her head in interest. “I wish you’d enlighten us, Spencer. Police Chief Graydon was no help on that front.” 

Spencer paused for a moment, taking a deep breath before continuing, “I believe someone in this department is the unsub… or working to protect him.” The room was silent as glances were exchanged between members. 

“That’s a heavy accusation. What are you basing this on, kid?” Rossi asked. Spencer looked down at the table, furrowing his brow. 

“Y/N and I just met with the detective on the case. He swears he sent us files that were accurate and entirely thorough. He was genuine about it, too.” I nodded to the group, showing my agreement with Spencer’s conclusion. 

“Whittendon wasn’t lying,” I said. “I think he’s a good cop. Somebody in this department is trying to throw us off the trail.” The tension in the room was high as I scanned the faces of our team members. Heavy as the accusation was, it seemed as though they were accepting it with some level of belief. 

“If that’s the case,” JJ began, “how should we proceed?” She looked at Emily for guidance. Emily rocked back in her chair, carefully calculating her next statement. 

“We should keep our cards close to our chest,” Emily answered slowly. “Be helpful to the locals, but don’t get too friendly. Any new developments that come out of this room are only to be shared between the seven of us.” We all nodded in unison, taking in the severity of the situation. Dealing with a difficult department was one thing, but trying to find a criminal within one was a different game altogether. 

“With that being said,” Rossi spoke up, “try not to make it too obvious that we’re keeping things under wraps. Just be casual about it, make it seem like FBI protocol.” Murmurs of agreement went up around the group. 

Spencer opened his mouth to speak again, but was cut off by a loud crashing sound coming from the main bullpen of the precinct. We all jumped out of our seats. Luke began making a dash for the door. “Wait!” I said, stopping him in his tracks. Being closest to the window, I peeked through the blinds to see what was happening in the office. Detective Whittendon stood over a young man, as the worker’s shattered computer monitor laid on the floor next to their feet. “Uh-oh,” I said. 

“What is it?” JJ asked with quiet urgency, hand resting on her holster. 

“I think Detective Whittendon and his tech team are having a little disagreement… I’ll go talk to him.” I turned away from the blind and reached for the door handle when Spencer’s voice cut me off. 

“Y/N,” Spencer said, “do you really think it's a good idea for you to go out there and try and talk to him while he’s clearly in a fit?” More yelling came from the bullpen, and I snuck a glance out the blinds to see Whittendon face to face with the tech worker. 

“He’s a good guy, I’ve got this,” I said, shrugging at Spencer. Opening the conference room door did nothing to tear Whittendon’s scathing look away from the worker, nor to lower the volume of his shouting. 

“You no-good son of a bitch!” Whittendon exclaimed. “I want to know what happened to my original files, and I want to know now!” He emphasized ‘now’ by slamming his open hand on the worker’s desk. The worker seemed to cower in fear. 

“Sir, all I did was send over the file I received. Honest. I never even opened-” Whittendon’s sharp look cut the worker off. 

I slowly made my way towards the pair. Stepping in between them, I spoke. “Detective, I think you should step out and cool off for a minute,” I said. Whittendon acknowledged my presence for the first time, eyes flickering down at me before glancing over my head at the worker. 

“I’ll be back, Richie,” Whittendon said. “By the time I am, I hope you’ve come up with a better explanation for what happened to my goddamn files.” With that, Whittendon turned sharply and headed for the precinct door, stepping out into the cold Colorado night. 

To be continued! :)

[il-predestinato]

Interview with Charles Leclerc from Sportweek (La Gazetta dello Sport): “I play the piano, I love art, I want to fly. And I dreamed of Ferrari” (published January 7, 2023).

What is fashion for you?

Charles: “A way of expressing oneself without speaking. I realized this when I started travelling all over the world, thanks to F1, visiting countries and cities I didn't know before.

“I realized that dressing well had a different meaning according to different cultures and traditions. That's when fashion really started to interest me, I would say from 2017, even though I've always liked it.”

What was the next step?

Charles: “I started attending fashion shows, then I became a testimonial for Giorgio Armani and then I came more and more into contact with this environment.”

You also take great care over the graphics of your racing helmets. Which design do you like the most?

Charles: “Probably the one used in France (2022), with the reproduction on the two halves of the photographs of my father Hervé and Jules Bianchi.”

Ferrari is red, but for your 488 Pista you chose a different colour.

Charles: “At that time I was using a matte black helmet with the Monégasque flag going from the front to the back. So I decided to order the car exactly the same. I still like it very much.”

What did you think when you saw yourself in a Ferrari suit for the first time?

Charles: “It was a very big emotion, because it was my childhood dream to get into F1 and race for the Prancing Horse, even though at that time I was not yet an official Ferrari driver (only FDA).”

Do you have any good-luck charms you don't part with?

Charles: “I had some as a kid. My grandmother always used to sew a cross inside my overalls, under the sponsors' logos, but that tradition has disappeared since she is no longer here…”

How do you express your creativity?

Charles: “Mainly through music. I play the piano and invent my own pieces. I will never be as good with a pencil at drawing.”

How do you choose the clothes you wear every day?

Charles: “There's a very classic part of me, which seeks simplicity and comfort, and another more creative part that leads me to play around with streetwear.

“I let myself be guided by the mood of the day, by how I feel, because dressing is a way of making something clear with one's image.”

Will we see a clothing line of your own like Hamilton did?

Charles: “I had started the project, but I stopped. Maybe in the future.”

Do you ever talk about fashion with Lewis Hamilton?

Charles: “Sometimes we discuss the brands we like. He really has good taste and a lot of courage to show off the strangest looks when he comes to the circuits.”

Favourite colours or colours you would never wear?

Charles: “These days I prefer grey, beige and white. I'm not a big fan of fuchsia, in the sense that I wouldn't see myself dressed all in fuchsia, but I've worn that too.”

How do you feel about walking the catwalk?

Charles: “I'm not comfortable. Too many stares on me. But I like to watch the show and observe the more unusual garments. I was at the Ferrari Style show in Milan last year and before that at Armani.”

Try describing the feeling of driving an F1 car to someone who does not know racing. Valentino Rossi, when he tested the Ferrari, said: It is faster than I thought.

Charles: “A nice definition, because it is difficult for a normal person to think about the speed of a F1 car. I always make the comparison with the Rollercoaster. It's like being up there, but keeping everything under control.”

Why are you happy racing?

Charles: “For the adrenaline and because on the track I feel free.”

Do you like motorbikes?

Charles: “I have one motorbike, customised, which I bought in Bali when I went there on a trip with my best friends. We rented it on the spot and I wanted to take it with me to Monte Carlo, even though it was a mess to get it registered to ride there.”

Why that particular motorbike?

Charles: “Because of the memories it holds. I had just arrived in F1 and I decided to take all my closest friends on holiday, for the first time outside Europe. We had a great time.”

Do you still think of getting a flying license?

Charles: “I've already had a few lessons, I'm now at 11 to 13 hours of flying, let's say I have the basics. I had to stop, I hope to start again in 2023. There is a lot of theory to study and I obviously like the practice more.”

How was the feeling?

Charles: “Excellent. I like the stall tests, because there's adrenaline, but also checking the plane in general. And to say that I've always been afraid of flying...”

What do you mean?

Charles: “Even though I've taken planes countless times in my life, I wasn't calm. Now, knowing what pilots do and all the options there are in case of unexpected events, has reassured me.”

Even today you are karting like when you were a kid. Would it be nice to discover a new Leclerc?

Charles: “I would like to help talented young people, who don't have the means, to emerge and make their dreams come true. However, it is a project that takes time and which I therefore see as possible only in the future.”

What does it mean to be the hero of so many very young people?

Charles: “Every time I come to Maranello, outside the Ferrari factory there are always kids waiting for me. In recent years, F1 has regained popularity, also thanks to Netflix. It's nice to see a child's eyes light up when we make a photo. A small gesture is enough, which does not cost effort, to give joy to others.”

Do you feel like an example to follow?

Charles: “I try to be myself, behaving well, if this can then serve as an inspiration for those who observe me, I'm happy about it.”

Translation by vetteleclerc.

[thegatorsgoose]

Minecraft and brotherly bonding

So. I was watching hermitcraft and I had a realization about mourning dove Danny.

Minecraft would be perfect for him.

Now Iv played Minecraft every once in a while when I was younger, but I mostly get my knowledge out of watching people. This is irrelevant.

But one thing I did notice when playing it for myself, especially cus younger me had more trouble with this, was how people interacted with each other. Since the game is much simpler than irl, the “social cues” , or just how people portray how they feel by moving there character, it was much much easier for me to interact with people and know how to react back.

I propose that Minecraft would be a great way to slowly start integrating him back into society. Instead of risking going out at first, they “teach” him about interacting with people, and all the complicated bullshit that comes with it, by letting him play Minecraft online. There’s little to no risk, they can control the environment, and Danny can talk to strangers without them seeing him.

Of course we already know that Danny is working on writing, one of his biggest motivators being to text, and that applies here to. It actually gives him the choice to either type out in chat/with signs, or just with “body language” and both are equally accepted.

Of course, this comes with other benefits. It’s still a game after all, so they have fun as well. Him and Damian have a survival world together where they build stuff together (I imagine that Danny and dami like to just sit together in silence while Damien’s painting/drawing and Danny’s doing needle work:)), it ends up becoming a huge collab  project with an entire city in it.

They all occasionally play server games, and they all have one world together, it’s very chaotic but Danny and Dick especially love it. Tim is a red stone GOD, and is teaching Danny, who is surprisingly good at it (you can’t convince me Danny isn’t a genius like the rest of the Fentons). Jason sets up traps to annoy his siblings. Cass just… collects materials. Mines for hours and keeps every. Single. Thing. The rest are terrified of what she will do with them. Steph has made an “empire” out of a village she ransacked, modded it to make all the villagers special and gave them their own names and everything. Duke keeps doing dumb shit just cus he can, like make a turtle farm in the nether or keep a warden as a pet. Babs is off doing her own thing, no one understands her builds but rest assured, it’ll aalll come together eventually. Danny likes to build cozy spaces, or just spaces that have a really good atmosphere in general. Lil builds that are just sprinkled around the map like how there’s always that random hutch in the middle of the woods in horror storys. They are all for random animals he grew attached to, like this one random cow or that squid he saw while walking to Tim’s base. This isn’t enough for a whole batch so here’s a lil muffin instead.

Mourning Dove is an au of Wayne’s Haunted Mansion by @tathartiel set around 4 years in the future. I recommend you read it if you haven’t, it’s adorable and heartbreaking.

[princesscolumbia]

Was originally going to DM but I saw those were closed, I have a sister/sibling who uses she/they and femme/neutral terms interchangeably. She's been unable to transition where we live because she's a minor but she's turning 17 in a few months so her 18th birthday is coming up. I want to start saving up information and advice and help for her so when she turns 18 I can pass it along: I already plan to take her on a shopping spree trip and I know she's planning on starting hormones, are there any tips or advice you have for her? She doesn't have social media for mental health reasons but they stay inside a lot too (they're a hardcore gamer, like, entering competitions to win cash and winning gamer) so I'm not sure that they're hearing much from trans elders (which is why I'm trying to form an information stash)

I'll offer the same advice I'd give myself if I had a chance to go back and tell this to my then-17 year old self. It'll get a little dark, but it's the single most valuable bit of advice I'd be able to offer that poor, abused transgirl in my own past, and may be the best thing your sibling could hear:

Safety is good, but never sacrifice your mental health for the "safety" of your situation. I made the mistake of "waiting" for everything to be "ready" and everyone to be "okay" with my transition because it was "safe," all the while ignoring my own mental health, which in the long term turned out to be a greater threat to my safety than anything else.

Living your true, honest self for yourself is your greatest safety. You can have a roof over your head, warm and comfortable clothes to wear, and food on your plate, but if the cost of all those is denying who you are, that isn't "safe."

And you'll know it, too. Whether it's a parent you have to keep happy, a spouse you have to convince "it's not actually that big a deal," or an employer that refuses to make the workplace a safe environment for trans and queerfolk, the second they even suspect you're not cis-het like them, they'll have the power to control you and make your life miserable. It will be a slow, creeping control that will have you gaslighting yourself just to try and keep yourself from facing the horrible reality that you were complicit in your own oppression.

If there's a component of your safety that is merely a convenient facade that you know could be the crack in the dam, change it. Sooner than later. 18 years old will mean you're no longer subject to parents who might control you. It means the government can't default back to your parents if someone tries to force something on you.

It means you are now free to do what you need to do for you!

It's big, it's scary, and you will not be prepared. You'll be leaving behind a comfort zone for something so nebulous it will legitimately be your personal Undiscovered Country. But you'll find people there who will gladly mom(affectionate) you to death if you have a cough. You'll find folks who'll dad-joke you into the ground while they help you fix your car. You'll encounter people who will tell you weird-sounding advice like, "Always put your silverware in the dishwasher handle down," and you'll realize it makes sense only after you bite the bullet and try it.

(And things like "the vibe" and "cringe" will sound really stupid the older you get.)

You'll need to learn new ways to ask for help, and you'll need to relearn how to accept it. You'll need to figure out things nobody taught you growing up and it'll make you (possibly unreasonably) angry at your folks for not teaching it to you.

But the single best step of securing your safety for your transition is to transition. Don't wait for permission. Don't wait for people to tell you it's okay. Don't wait for the medical technology to be right or the perfect outfit to come along or the mentor who will make it all easier for you, because it's never easy.

Because here's the secret nobody has told you; nobody ever gets permission to be themselves. It's never okay for you to change the status quo that other people are happily leaving in place. Not only is the "perfect" transition the enemy of just doing the damn transition, but what you think you know about transitioning socially/medically/etc. is barely a drop in the bucket of what is actually known and just done that you'll swear it's some grand conspiracy to keep the knowledge from you. (It is and it isn't. It's called 'comp-het' and 'toxic masculinity' and 'unreasonable societal standards of femininity' and 'the patriarchy' and a whole bunch of other stuff that you don't actually know what it means until you've lived outside of the box that society placed you in, but nobody is 'doing it to you,' any more than they're doing it to everyone around you including themselves.) And the perfect outfit is out of season in a month, and the perfect mentor is also only human and WILL fuck things up.

Whatever it is, whether it's popping the question or transitioning or getting a new job or a new place to live or even just switching from cereal to smoothies for breakfast, just do it. If you know it's going to be good for you and you want to do it "eventually," do it now. Don't wait.

If you need permission, congratulations, you have it. If you need everything to be 'perfect,' congratulations, the most perfect moment is now. Shit's gonna happen anyway, might as well pick the shit that happens instead of letting life pick it for you.

Post-script: You're being incredibly brave. Accept the compliment and one day you'll understand how brave you're being and it will humble you how strong you really are.

(And wear sunscreen. That sounds dumb but you'll thank me later.)

[yawnderu]

Hi, your posts always come up when I’m searching for fanfiction for this one specific character I like. When I’m browsing the search of this character, the majority of your work that pops up are the “darker” themed stories, and I’m not sure if that’s exclusively what you write or if that’s just what’s popping up, but I was hoping to ask you a question. It comes from a place of genuine curiosity, so I hope it doesn’t come across as rude, although it might, and that’s definitely not my intention. I’m genuinely curious as to why you write explicit sexual assault fanfiction? You tag your stories with “noncon,” referring to nonconsensual sex which is obviously rape. I’ve also seen stories tagged with “drugging” and I’m genuinely so confused about the psychology of “dark” writing. I’ve seen some people say it’s a coping mechanism so maybe that’s it? I’m 20 years old, but I cannot imagine being a 13 old girl (which tumblr is FULL of) and seeing stories which have the premises of “hot guy character” and “sex,” and it’s just literal rape or drugging or manipulation (or as you tag, “gaslighting”). I really don’t mean to be harsh, it’s just astounding how you feel comfortable writing that stuff, because it’s not like these “dark” topics are being condemned, it’s very clear that’s it written on the premise of being “forbiddingly sexy”. Because all of these posts are full of supportive comments, it’s so obvious that this normalizes sexual assault and why? All because the guy character doing it is “hot”? My opinion is that it’s so dangerous and I cannot imagine how I would have felt if I had seen these stories and the reactions to them when I was younger as a sexual assault victim myself. I’d really like to hear the perspective of an author of these type of works. This message does not come from a place of judgement.

Hi.

cw: talks of sexual assault, rape and violence.

As a CSA and SA victim, it's mainly used as a way to cope. It doesn't normalize sexual assault in the slightest, it's simply a kink many victims develop after being abused— everyone has their own ways to cope. NONE of my content including the fluff is ever written for minors, and it is not my responsibility if a minor reads it despite having a huge MDNI in my profile and actively encouraging any minors to get off of my blog.

I believe the time you spent writing something that very clearly comes from a place of judgement could have easily been spent googling your questions, but I'll gladly answer.

Sometimes people develop certain kinks out of fear and trauma— coming from someone living in a very small country where women get raped, kidnapped, and brutally murdered daily and spent years being a shut-in to avoid these things, it definitely comes from the factor of being able to have a controlled environment to write the things I'm scared of. I obviously don't want to be raped or be SAd again in real life, so this is all very clearly a fetish.

The reason why it's not written as condemned is because it's very obviously a kink? I'm not really sure what you expect when you see the warnings and continue reading. Since you mention the "gaslighting" thing I'm going to assume the character you're initially talking about is Simon Riley— and it would have taken you exactly 2 seconds to go to my profile and look at the masterlist with over 20 works to realize that's not all I write in the slightest— actually, I haven't put any of my works of the past 2 weeks in the masterlist because I've gotten lazy, so you'd only see 1 darkfic compared to everything else.

You mention multiple times how you'd feel if you saw my works as a child and that's the thing love, not a single one of my fanfics is ever meant for children or teenagers to read. These are grown men I'm writing about, I don't even want minors reading my fluffy things or even interacting with me at all— but if it helps, as a teenager I used to read works like these and it helped me process A LOT of my trauma later on in life lmfao.

I've been molested as early as I was 6 years old, and this went on most of my life growing up until I was in my late teens, so it's pretty fucking weird to say my fics normalize sexual assault because that's far from what it is, it's simply a FANTASY with FICTIONAL characters, none of it is real and I don't want it to be real, I don't want any of my readers to go through any of these things in real life, so I'm not really sure what the point of even accusing me of that was.

[atlas-of-a-human-soul]

Hi! Could you do part 5 of A little danger? Thanks!

A little danger, part 5 (Sky of Eraklyon x mind!fairy reader)

A little danger // part two // part three // part four

Summary: After their conversation ends, Y/N decides her heart is too fragile to be shared, but Sky doesn't share her sentiment and neither do the girls.

Warnings: angst, swearing

“You should go”, Saul hands Y/N a bottle of water and she nods.

“Where to? Alfea? It’s not exactly a homey environment for me.”

Sighing, Saul sits beside her, his eyes on the floor. “How bad is it?”

Snorting, she shakes her head. “That depends on who you are, I suppose.”

“How bad is it for you”, Saul glances at her and her fake smile dissipates.

Swallowing thickly, she pulls the sleeves of her sweater over her hands and folds her arms over her chest. “My powers are out of control and everyone’s terrified of me.”

“Your friends didn’t seem so terrified”, Saul tries, but she’s quick to shut him down.

“They’re not my friends.”

“Sky’s not terrified”, Saul tries and she chuckles dryly.

“Apparently he’s only good at pretending not to be terrified.”

Furrowing his eyebrows, Saul considers placing a comforting hand on her hand but seeing her hands tucked under her armpits, he realizes she’s avoiding contact.

“Are you afraid?”

Frowning, she looks at him. “What?”

“Are you afraid of yourself?”

Averting her gaze, she chews on her bottom lip mercilessly. It’s always been her nervous tell, something she did even as a child. Saul never quite understood why her mother took her away after a single mistake, something she didn’t even mean to do. In Saul’s eyes, she didn’t deserve to be torn away from all she’s known, from him…from Sky.

“You shouldn’t be scared”, Saul leans back, his eyes never leaving her. “Nature intended a powerful gift for you because you are capable of wielding it. Farah always said it’s all about intent; if you wish do to good, your power will be good. If you wish to harm you will harm.”

Catching her unguarded gaze, Saul offers a small smile. “Fear is a catalyst, Y/N. If you fear and dread your power, it will go unchecked. It will have free reign and destroy everything it touches because it feels rejected by its master, but if you accept it, embrace it – you’ll find you have more control than you believe.”

Sniffling, her chin trembles as she tries to speak. She pauses, closing her eyes just for a second to compose herself before relaxing her jaw.

“It’s not that easy.”

“Yet you’ve done it”, Saul reminds her. “You saved me.”

“We got lucky”, she whispers, afraid her voice would break.

“Did we?” Saul raises his eyebrows. “Or did your heart embrace the chaos because you knew without your help I’d be captured. Or worse.”

Shuddering with the thought, she turns away from Saul. The wound of her mother’s death still hasn’t healed, if anything, it’s infected, rotting inside her. Losing Saul would be like picking at the puss and dead tissue, deepening the damage.

“I try so hard”, she tucks her hair behind her ears. “Every day, I try so hard to find a way to love it… and myself. And for a moment I truly thought I did. Sky was helping me do exactly that, but…even he’s proved himself to be”, she inhales sharply. “He thinks of me as someone who’d cause him pain.” Shrugging, she sniffles. “I love him more than I love oxygen, but knowing he sees that in me is heartbreaking.”

“Don’t you think that Sky being with you through it all proves his love is true?”

Scoffing, Y/N stands abruptly. “Or he’s just doing what the girls want and is keeping an eye on the unpredictable one.” Pinching the bridge of her nose, she lets out a heavy sigh. “He’s made me believe he loves me, but how can he love me if he believes I’d do anything to hurt him? How is that love?”

“Y/N”, Saul stands too, “don’t be so quick to judge your entire relationship based on a few words exchanged over the phone.”

“How do you know that it happened over the phone”, she narrows her eyes.

“Because I saw the change in you the moment you were done talking to him. Whatever he said, I’m sure it wasn’t what he meant. Have faith in him and allow him a chance to explain.”

Shaking her head, she clears her throat. “That’s the thing. I don’t want his explanations, I don’t want his doubts and I don’t want him or anyone else messing with my mind. It’s already a mess in here, I refuse to allow anyone to add to the chaos.”

“It’s a mistake”, Saul warns but she waves him off.

“You’re right. I should probably go back to the dorms before they notice me missing. After all, I did commit a crime today.” Forcing a tight lipped smile, she gives Saul a quick, halfhearted hug before leaving him standing, his heart heavy and mind full of worries for her future.

The next day, Y/N was diligently avoiding contact with the girls in class. Musa tried to get into her mind more than once, but she didn’t even break a sweat fending off her tries. Bloom tried to corner her in the bathroom, so Y/N flooded it. Stella didn’t seem as patient as them, grabbing her in the dorms with such a force Y/N thought it might have been a specialist that pushed her against a wall.

“We need you”, Stella says before Y/N has the chance to antagonize her.

Rolling her eyes, she narrows them in response. “Whatever it is, I’m sure you can figure it out on your own. After all, you’ve got several other fairies to ask for help.”

“Bloom found a book”, Stella ignores her. “It’s some old book we believe belongs to the blood witches and Sebastian is willing to help us translate it so we can figure out why the fuck are fairies going missing.”

“Hold up”, Y/N pushes Stella off her, straightening the fabric of her skirt. “Missing? I know there was one, but how many are we talking about?”

“Three.”

“THREE?!”

Covering her mouth, Stella pushes her back against the wall. “One came back, but he's comatose.”

Nodding, she pulls Stella’s hand away. “If you messed up my lipstick, I will throw you into a wall with a lot more force than this.”

“Y/N, this is serious.”

“So am I.”

“Rosalind is up to something”, Stella whispers. “We could all be in danger.”

“Why don’t you take it up with your bestie who released her”, Y/N kinks her eyebrows. “After all, she’s the reason Saul is in hiding, Dowling abandoned us and now we have an evil mastermind turning this place into a dark arts school where plotting wicked deeds is the only way to success.”

“Saul asked for you specifically to help with this.”

Averting her gaze, Y/N groans. “What exactly is it that you want from me?”

“To go to Saul’s house and bring us back a book that will help us make sense of it all.”

The house Y/N spent so much of her childhood playing at…with Sky. With the very guy she’s dodged three times today. She had to leave her dorm through a window because he was camped out in front of her door, so how can she go to his house now if he’s not there.

“There’s a bookcase in the sitting room”, Stella continues. “He said you’ll know what he means.”

“Yeah, but it’s been so long since I’ve been there. How the fuck am I supposed to find it now?”

Stella’s lips spread into a grin as she turns to her left, looking in the distance. Following her gaze, Y/N frowns as she finds Sky sitting on a bench at the far end of the courtyard, sending them a small, innocent wave.

“Absolutely not”, Y/N exclaims as she begins moving in the opposite direction, Stella rushing after her.

“Sky said you’d be resistant, but this is really important.”

Turning on her heel, she makes Stella gasp as they nearly collide.

“Oh, why of course! I’ll go on a quick trip to the house that carries many haunting memories with a guy I want nothing to do with just because this is really important to the heir of Solaria.”

“You’re mocking me”, Stella grimaces. “I’ve always been kind to you. Why do you hate me so much?”

Sighing, Y/N looks over Stella’s shoulder as she notices Sky moving toward them.

“I don’t hate you. Or anyone else. It’s safer if you just stay away from me, okay? Apparently I’m dangerous, regardless if it’s something I mean to do or not.”

Taking Y/N’s hand, Stella tugs at it lightly. “Well, in that case, you’ll have to stop being all bark and actually bite. Because I don’t care what other people say, I’m your friend and as your friend I will not let you ignore me for no good reason.”

Despite her resolve, Y/N’s lips twitch almost as if she wanted to smile, but stopped herself in time to maintain her mask.

“I don’t want friends.”

“Tough luck, because it’s not something YOU choose, it’s given by other people and I am a friend.”

Glancing at Sky who paused behind Stella, Y/N purses her lips. “You can’t manipulate me into doing this by being my friend.”

“No, I can’t.” Stella sighs. “I could go, anyone could, but you’re the most powerful of us all and if someone else decides to take the book, you would have an actual shot at protecting it as well as Sky. So I am hoping you choose to do it because you care, not because of any manipulations of me or anyone else.”

Huffing, Y/N turns away from her with her teeth sinking into her bruised bottom lip. It is so much easier being on her own and away from the drama, but she knows Stella is right. She might be mad at Sky and the rest of the world, but she doesn’t want him to get hurt nor does she want the world to burn.

Nodding, she turns to Sky. “When can we go?”

“Now”, he answers readily. “I can borrow the Harvey’s car and we can slip away.”

“I didn’t think you’d want to be involved in something that could help Saul.” She remarks, dealing her first blow. It landed like a gut punch, she knew by the flash of hurt in his deep blue eyes and still, she wanted to hit him again so he’d feel how it feels when he says hurtful things to her.

“I’m sorry”, he manages to say before Stella intervenes.

“You guys have enough time to talk during the drive, so get going.”

Forcing a smile, Y/N gives her thumbs up before heading toward and past Sky. “Might wanna tell him that too.”

Hearing her hushed “Go” followed by Sky’s footsteps, Y/N felt her throat drying up. It’s going to be hell avoiding the very person she’s meant to go on a covert mission. Last thing she wanted was to talk to him after last night. He said what he said, no amount of apologies can erase the pain those words caused nor the self-doubt it brought back.

He followed her quietly, understanding it’s essential they get on the road quickly. If he spoke to her, it would turn into a debacle before the drive even started and he wasn’t willing to risk it now. After all, he’ll have her for the rest of the day.

“I’ll drive”, he offers and she looks to him, chewing her bottom lip before nodding and silently moving to the passenger’s side. She never liked to drive. Sky joked about it being a hassle to reach the pedals due to her short stature, but in truth, she truly didn’t trust herself behind the wheel. She doesn’t trust herself with much in general.

Sky looks at her, a small smile upon his lips. “Ready?”

Glancing at him, her eyes linger on the smile. “Don’t.”

“What?”

“Don’t act like nothing’s wrong and smile at me like you’re trying to seduce me.”

Furrowing his brows, Sky’s smile widens. “Wasn’t my intention”, he leans in slightly, “is it working?”

Clicking her tongue, she leans away from him. “No. So stop it. Better yet, don’t talk to me.”

“Mhmm”, he smirks, starting the car.

“Making sounds is still communicating”, she remarks.

Chuckling, he looks at her. “You said not to talk, didn’t say anything about communicating in other ways.”

“This isn’t funny”, she snaps and Sky’s smile falls. “The only reason I’m here right now is because Saul asked me to go, so don't think it changes anything.”

Licking his bottom lip, Sky clears his throat. “Understood.”

But he didn’t and they both knew it. It won’t be the first nor last argument they’ll have today and for Sky that was a positive thought. As long as they argue, there is hope. Y/N is the type to love deeply, she doesn’t just get over things and move on with her life. If she’s willing to fight with him, it means she cares for him and that gives him hope it’s not too late to repair their relationship. Going to where it all started should facilitate the process.

Or so he thought.

A/n - I know this one took so frickin' long and truth be told I wasn't sure if I wanted to continue it. This entire year has been one of the worst years of my life and I wasn't in the right headspace at all, so I'm hoping this part isn't too bad. Also, might need to make a masterlist considering there's 5 parts now and there will be more. I have like three asks regarding this series, so rest assured I'll write more. It's an ask based series, so I tend to write new parts with every ask I receive as long as there's a point to the story I'm trying to tell. All in all, prepare for more angst coming in the future parts of this series and know I truly appreciate every ask, comment and reblog you left during this hiatus.

PART 6

[beautifulpersonpeach]

I don’t know if you watched Taehyung’s live today but he made a comment about how hybe asked him if he wanted a cake for his album debut and he said no. I know a lot of PJMs were upset about Jimin not having a cake but this shows that he could have refused a cake as well.

***

My friends made sure to bring me up to speed on his live, though I’m yet to watch the full thing myself.

His comments seemed too pointed considering the topics that have dominated fan spaces since Jimin’s release - specifically his comments about how he is in control of his promotions and that Hybe gave him the option of getting a cake.

I saw the clips where he mentioned that he’d promote his album based on the options ARMYs suggest on Weverse, indicating that his album promotion tools are solely at his discretion. And I saw him mention that he didn’t have a cake because he didn’t want one at that point. Both sentences were made with very little preamble so it seems he just said it to get ahead of accusations he knew would be coming given everything PJMs have been saying for months about how ‘mistreated’ Jimin is for apparently not having things like a cake shown on camera or apparently not having any real control over his promotion tools from BigHit.

If that’s the case, then it’s interesting because it implies the members are aware of all the noise around his cake and promotions, including Jimin and Tae, and just like Yoongi tried to get ahead of ‘mistreatment’ claims with his own comments on how they control the spending on their budgets, Tae’s comments sound like he’s trying to shut down those mistreatment claims that started around FACE’s release too, and it makes me wonder how Jimin feels about all this, if it’s something he talks to the other members about, if it’s something they laugh about, or if it’s a pain point for him. The other members can see all that’s going down, see all the insane and pointless rhetoric coming out of fan spaces, and are now explaining things like why we don’t see a cake on camera….

It’s not been surprising that after all the talk about how we should treat these grown men like they have agency, how we shouldn’t infantilize them, etc… but when push comes to shove, when faced with a practical example of a grown man being able to handle his affairs including whether or not he gets or has a cake, because it’s not the option fans prefer they immediately toss all that caution to the wind, reaching for the scenario in which he is most powerless, most helpless, and most in need of their help. It’s not surprising because it happens all the time, and is in fact the reason topics like ‘infantilization’ of k-pop idols, ‘saviour complex’ in k-pop stans, and questions around agency and privilege of idols in k-pop, become topics of discourse here in the first place.

Because we all know, when issues start to impact our favourites, suddenly all those topics lose meaning. Suddenly, the arguments then become:

- Tae coming online to say that has to be the company controlling him to do damage control so they can continue mistreating other members,

- Tae is complicit in the abuse of his bandmate,

- Tae is a bad person anyway who is jealous of Jimin, and who sends his fans and shippers to attack Jimin.

…

This is how narratives based on speculation, conjecture, and overall feelings, take on a life of their own in this pressure cooker environment that is fandom, and become living breathing things that persist for months or even years until the members spell out that those narratives don’t apply to them. And even then that doesn’t always kill it. Because oftentimes, these narratives exist more for the fan, as a way to explain to themselves in a way consistent with that fan’s own worldview, what is happening within HYBE’s black walls in Seoul that this fan has no real way of knowing. These ‘mistreatment’ narratives around all the debuts in Chapter 2, are products from fans, made by fans for fans, and most times actually have nothing to do with the real facts around the guys in BTS. Facts that none of us are privy too until (usually) the members themselves reveal it with time, and when that happens the real facts don’t line up with the dominant narratives in fan spaces. Like, at all.

Jimin isn’t one to talk unless he absolutely needs to, or feels like it. I’ve noticed he seems to confound his biases and solos, and now after Tae’s live, there’s good reason to think at least Jimin and Tae are aware, and yet he doesn’t deem any of this hoopla as worth responding to. Or at least, not yet. And we know Jimin is not the sort to instigate his fans on purpose and then dip. He’s not cruel. My pet theory is that if we trust that he’s capable of handling his affairs, that all the other members wouldn’t look on while any one of them was being mistreated, then Jimin is solely focused on his new projects in Chapter 2. That’s what is actually important and so that is what he’s focusing on. Perhaps when PJM2 is out he’ll directly address many of these issues. I expect this could happen, but he’ll be more subtle than Tae about it.

We’ll see.

[creatorbiaze]

BSD thoughts; Nikolai Gogol's sanity

So, honestly, I think Nikolai IS sane.

take what i say w/ a grain of salt tho; my own views / thoughts are pretty skewed + i have legitimately no understanding of emotional responses/impacts tbh.

ramble below but. spoilers & stuff for the manga

So nikolai tells Atsushi that he is actually sane & understands what he does is wrong.

he's probably not lying actually.

My thoughts are, what if he's USED to his way of acting? sees it as a role he has to fill in order to achieve freedom. Or, sees it as the REASON he needs freedom.

he does the opposite of what everything tells him to do.

It's possible he had previous environments where either a) he grew accustomed to being heartless or b) was completely under someone's control/command.

He shows genuine regret & sadness for Fyodor's death. A normal, completely HUMAN response to losing someone important to him.

someone that's "free" from attachment & feelings wouldn't do that. hell, i doubt I would react that much to a person's death. He realized, in that moment, he WONT be free.

I don't know what would CAUSE him to do all this for freedom, but something definitely caused it. His "insanity" is a mask he puts on to either comfort his victims, or drive people away so he DOESN'T get attached. Fyodor saw through that mask.

He's definitely naturally hyperactive , but the full extents he has + his behavior's a mask.

Nikolai may be mimicking someone, or he may be doing the exact opposite, like his general actions. He may be purposfully making himself Too Different so people won't show sympathy or want to get close.

what better way to keep people from getting attached, than being near-completely unlikable? a complete and udder monster?

back to the start of the ramble; he explains his longing for freedom + how he's actually a completely normal person. He finally let down his mask. But why? if he doesn't want sympathy or anything?

Doubt it'd be manipulation. Honestly, he probably was just bored or wanted to talk about how he really is.

Im bad at keeping secrets about myself, so I'd probably do the same actually.

He probably hoped Atsushi being his enemy would mean he wouldn't feel sympathy for nikolai.

similarly, he lets down his mask to grieve Fyodor IN FRONT of Dazai & Chuuya. Because they're Dazai and Chuuya. they shouldn't give a shit.

considering the way nikolai's murdered people before + how he was w/ atsushi, he's definitely able to keep his mask on while he's internally hating himself.

Wonder if him taking off the eye covering thing is a parallel to that. he takes it off when his mask drops for a bit.

ironically, considering his bond with Fyodor, that lack of sympathy is probably what makes Nikolai get attached to people.

His longing for absolute freedom clashes with his human need for closeness, so he follows people that wont care about him. he'll have someone to be close to, but theoretically no actual attachments.

They won't treat him like a traumatized person (which he probably is) or someone that has to be saved. they wont get attached to HIM. he knows this. which means it SHOULD lessen the blow when either he or they die. theoretically. obviously that didn't work.

anyways if i keep talking it'll just get repetitive so. ye

[logically-asexual]

One more time with feeling

summary:

Part one of this series is 'I can tell I've rotted in your brain', about Logan being slowly pushed away over the years until one day he is kicked out of Thomas's conscious mind and becomes the orange side.

This is part two, about Logan finally coming back.

Read on AO3

Chapter 5

| First | Previous | Next |

words: 2630

Logan sat next to Thomas in the office, as Thomas mentally prepared to talk to his employee —not  coworker, as Logan had corrected him. 

“Repeat after me:” Logan said, “I am the boss.”

“I am the boss.” Thomas repeated. 

“It is my job to make the decisions, and it is their job to help me fulfill them.”

Thomas echoed everything his Side said. 

“Good.” Logan nodded. “Now, the purpose of your agreement with these people is for you not to overwork yourself and create more, correct?” 

“Yes.” 

“If they do something that makes you work more instead of less with no further gain or profit, the purpose is not achieved. Therefore a part of the process is wrong and must be fixed.”

“Right.” 

Thomas seemed determined for now. This was the third time they tried to fix this problem, but at every attempt Thomas chickened out and ignored Logan’s instructions. Logan could only hope it would finally work this time. 

“It is our job to make the decisions and theirs to help us with them.” Logan repeated. “What decision did we make?”

“We’re… returning the stuff they ordered and they will try to find a sponsor to make up for the money lost.”

“Correct. Now all you have to do is tell them to do it.”

Thomas nodded and stood up. 

He did it. It wasn’t as hard as he expected, the other person listened and agreed to do what Thomas told them. Logan decided to take advantage of the success and try one more thing. 

Thomas gathered the few people working in the office at the moment and asked them for feedback to their communication channels, if there was a way they would rather receive the important information from meetings they missed. A few agreed that the summaries Thomas emailed to them were fine. He didn’t miss, however, how one person in particular rolled their eyes. 

“Danny, what do you think?” Logan managed that Thomas’ tone wasn’t angry, but firm, just like a teacher’s. 

The employee shifted in their place. At least they had the decency of being embarrassed while everyone stared at them. Not so brave now, Logan thought. 

“I guess my inbox does get kind of crowded,” they muttered, “and things are easy to miss.”

“Oh, alright.” Thomas smiled. “Would it help if I sent you a text message instead?” 

The other just nodded, not looking Thomas in the eye. Logan was beaming with pride. Now they didn’t have an excuse to ignore Thomas, and everyone else here witnessed the agreement.

Thomas said goodbye to his employees and left the office for the day, leaving them to finish setting up the place for filming their new video soon. He sat in his car, with Logan in the passenger seat.

“See, that wasn’t so—“ Logan was about to remark on how well things had gone when a loud cry made him jump. “Thomas?” 

“That was horrible!” he yelled. “I am horrible!” He hit the steering wheel with the side of his closed fist. 

Logan frowned. “How can you say that? We set goals to achieve today and we did that successfully, what—“

“I am a terrible person, they’re all going to hate me. What am I going to do?” He hid his face between his hands. 

“But— But everything went according to our plan.”

“Didn’t you see their faces? I was supposed to build a good working environment and instead I abuse my power to  humiliate someone in front of their coworkers—“

“Thomas, control yourself.” 

Thomas pouted at him, but stayed quiet. 

“You’re an adult. You were behaving like one.” 

“No, I was behaving like an assho—“ Thomas stopped himself when he saw the way Logan’s eyebrows raised. “No, sorry I wasn’t trying to insult you, it’s just that… I don’t… That didn’t feel like myself at all!” 

“Well, duh, that’s predictable when you’ve repressed this side of your personality for two years, to the point of forgetting it existed!” 

“I thought that we had been over this and now you were going to help me!”

“I am helping you, but it is too hard to tell if you actually want my help, or if you’re going to keep whining every time I make a suggestion.“

“Hey don’t talk to me like that!”

Luckily for Thomas, the windows of his car were up and anyone who happened to pass by would think he was having a heated discussion over the speaker. 

“Okay nevermind just…” Thomas tried to relax as he started the car. “I don’t want to think right now, I just want to get home.”

Logan took a deep breath in. “We’re not going home yet.” 

“What?”

“We’re going to buy a work desk for your apartment.”

“What?! No! Do you know how expensive furniture is these days? And where am I going to put an entire desk? I can’t change the arrangement of the first floor, that’s where I film!” Thomas’s head was reeling, suddenly finding it hard to believe this was what his life had become. 

“It’s an investment for your work and to save us the future medical bills for the back problems you’re getting from that terrible habit you have of working on your couch or your bed.”

“And where do you suppose we get the money for that, Mr….” he didn’t have energy to think of some nickname, “Serious Adult!?”

“Perhaps you could sell some of the useless toys you have laying around the house, and that way you would also make space for the desk.” 

Logan looked so arrogant like this, Thomas thought, sitting there looking so satisfied with his own reasoning, staring straight through the windshield, his jaw set. 

In hindsight, listening to the old Logan seemed so much easier. 

A few hours later they made it back home with a list of possible desk and chair models, their brands, and prices. Thomas walked into his living room and immediately crumpled the list in his hands and threw it across the room. 

Logan sank out directly to his bedroom. He let himself fall into the bed. Then, he reached for one of the heavier books on the bedside table and lifted it above his forehead. Before he could use it to test the strength of his skull, a yellow-gloved hand got in the way. 

Janus took the book from him as Logan sat up, his hands following it.

“Devolving to your old healthy coping mechanisms, I see…” he drawled as he held the book behind his back, out of Logan’s reach. 

Logan didn’t speak, but the narrowed eyes with which he looked up at him and the redness around them told Janus everything he needed to know. His pupils seemed to shine brighter at the moment.  

“Come on.” He stretched a hand, “let’s take a break.”

Despite Logan’s current feelings of annoyance at the world, he took Janus’s hand and walked with him to their living room. 

Once there, Janus encouraged him to sit down on the couch, and pulled an… interesting object. It was a small, flat, rectangular piece of wood, with three wooden poles pointing out of it, all in a line. Several disks in different colors and sizes were placed in a pyramid, the largest disk at the base, the smallest at the top, with one of the sticks going through the center of all of them. 

Logan remembered Thomas had read something about this puzzle, the Tower of Hanoi, a few days ago. The goal was to transport the pyramid from one pole to another, moving only one disk at a time, and never placing a bigger disk on top of a smaller one. 

He thanked Janus, took the object from his hands, placed it on the coffee table, and began trying to solve it. 

Janus sat back on the couch next to him, reading. Logan experimented, moving the disks around and trying to find a system. He got frustrated a few times when he accidentally undid his progress, when his actions led him to inevitably return the disks to where they started. Eventually, though, he began to notice a pattern. Soon he was moving the disks from one pole to another swiftly, carefully keeping track of his past moves to determine the next one. 

Just as he was making the final moves, Virgil barged in. 

“Logan,” he breathed, “I need your help.”

Logan’s forehead wrinkled, but he didn’t look up from his task. 

“Roman is–”

“Don’t you see he’s busy?” Janus interrupted Virgil, also not looking up from his book as he turned the page. 

“Shut up, you slimy piece of—“ 

Seeing Virgil was about to pick a fight, Logan interrupted. “I’m sorry, Virge, I think I’ve complicated things enough for one day,” he said as he placed the final disk on top of the rest, successfully completing the puzzle. 

“You’re going to give up just like that?”

“Give up?” Logan slowly repeated, finally looking up. “Excuse me but I don’t believe you understand—“

“I understand everything and you’re such a coward!” Virgil groaned. “Of course things would get complicated! We knew that but the only way out is just getting through it.” 

“I know, Virgil, but I think the process can be postponed until tomorrow when everyone is more accessi—“

“I hate to break it to you, but that’s not going to happen. They're not going to magically become open to what you say, you have to keep insisting.” 

“It’s not that simple, I—“ He stopped, closing his eyes and drawing his eyebrows together. 

“What?!”

“I fucked up, okay?!” Logan stood. “I fucked up today as I knew and told you I would!” 

“What are you talking about? What happened?“

“I just wanted to make it clear to Roman that this fairytale he has Thomas believe he’s living in is a waste of time and energy that will lead him nowhere in life. I wanted to work with him to help Thomas because he can’t go on like this. He’s— he’s daydreaming instead of working, he’s working instead of sleeping, he’s sleeping instead of eating,—“ he began pacing around the room— “he’s got everything backwards! And then Roman just fucking dares try to insist that this is what Thomas needs and that soon enough he’ll be ‘living the life’ whatever that means—“

Virgil began following Logan around, as the other took off his glasses and gestured with them while walking in circles. “Lo…”

“No, I get it.” Sounded like a response but Logan was mostly talking to himself, “Thomas wants this unconventional lifestyle and I must support it but I can’t allow that he’s treated as if he were indestructible. But, again, it’s my fault that what should be a debate devolves into fights and a never-ending stream of childish insults coming my way; my fault and no one else’s. It’s what I should expect, after all, I can’t get one single fucking thing right—“

“Logan!” Virgil called as Logan’s grip on his glasses tightened enough to break them. 

That was enough to stop him, giving Virgil enough time to catch up and stand in front of him. He took Logan’s glasses and shook them in his hand, fixing them, before handing them back. Logan finally focused his eyes on Virgil once he put the glasses back on.  

Logan’s lips were closed in a thin line. 

“Talk to me,” Virgil said.

“I made him cry,” Logan confessed. 

Virgil stayed still in stunned silence. 

“Patton and Roman… I know they’re so emotive and I can’t keep track and be careful of every single feeling they have because I would become mad just trying to make sense of it all but… I had never made someone cry like that, all on my own. I don’t even know what it was I said. 

“Normally that would have been enough as a signal for me to distance myself from them and not come back, but Thomas kept insisting I helped him at work. I couldn’t say no. It took so much effort not to just come back here and hide. I stayed out and did the best that I could. And then that had an unfavorable ending, as well.”

Virgil frowned. “I’m sorry, but I just know that this whole thing will end sooner than you think, if we don’t give up.”

After a pause, Logan continued gingerly. “Virgil. I know you have your own experience with this issue, and there’s a lot that we can learn from it, but not everything in this case is analogous to yours.”

“And what’s different?” He sat down on the couch, and Logan followed. 

“When you appeared, you made yourself heard with great resilience, showing a more intimidating and abrasive version of yourself, which was eventually accepted as a meaningful and necessary part of Thomas as it was, in spite of the negatives, because of the positive impact you had anyway. Once accepted, you were able to decide who to be, what felt  the most comfortable for you, which was rightfully celebrated and encouraged by everyone.”

Virgil blushed slightly, surprised by the kindness with which Logan described his story. 

“In my case, well… I liked who I was before, but I don’t think anybody else did. Despite my efforts to stay that way I was forced into a new unwanted role. I’ve come to terms with the change, and I promised you I would still try to help Thomas, but…” 

Both Virgil and Janus were completely silent, focused on Logan. He refused to look at either of them. 

“… but you’re asking for me to keep changing, to keep exerting myself just to be able to hold a civil conversation. Thomas wants Logic back as it was before, not me, he wants to pretend nothing is different. If I just were myself —this new me— out there, it would be impossible to even speak. I— I just—“ He sighed. “I’m so tired.” 

As he finished, he turned to Virgil, who could now see his eyes were not as shiny as usual, still glowing orange, but too faint, almost back to their usual brown. The bags under them obscuring his appearance even more. 

“Lo—“

“If you don’t mind,” Logan said as he stood, “I am going to my room. After everyone gets some rest I… I promise to try again.” 

He left no room for argument as he walked up the stairs. Virgil watched him quietly, only hearing Janus turn a page from his book. 

“I wish I could help him,” Virgil confessed after a pause. 

“He’ll be fine,” Janus replied, and for once Virgil thought he actually believed what he said. 

They sat in silence for a while, before Virgil spoke again. 

“You know, you could help out, too.” 

Janus didn’t acknowledge his words. 

“Thomas probably thinks being angry and assertive is selfish and that that means it’s bad. You could help show him that it’s not true.”

Janus scoffed without humor. “Since when do you think selfishness isn’t the devil?” 

Virgil bit his lip. “I guess Logan’s absence seems the most direct cause for Thomas’s trainwreck of a life, since he’s been a visible Side of him for so long, but…” He was reluctant to admit it, but he had to keep speaking now. “I know Thomas is missing you, too. Maybe he’s missing a little Remus, even, to get his blood running every once in a while.”

They both chuckled softly at the comment. It felt weird for Virgil. He hadn’t been alone in the same room as Janus for so long without a fight in years. 

He didn’t want to stay long enough to ruin it. He stood up and, in an act of bravery, he whispered, “Goodnight, Janus. I hope to see you soon,” before sinking out. 

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[samanthaandlife]

I really don’t want to do this but I have to for me and my growth! Breaking up with Aiden was not only violent but my entire world, my life as I knew it, was over! I was ready to leave his authority and demeaning language he used when speaking about me publicly. But our breakup just happened to coincide with the COVID lockdown for which there was some small blessings in the timing. His father booked him a ticket to Cairo as a chance to get away from me and to get an early start on his new job. He believe his flight was one of the last international flights before lockdown. This gave me a guaranteed protection from him for almost a year and boy I needed it. He sent many ugly text and left voicemail that I considered having the police listen to them but never had the courage. I do feel like he would have done physical harm to me, like scared my face and vagina so that nobody else would want me.

With Aiden aside, I had to find a place to live and I was not ever going back to my parent’s house! I burned all of my bridges with friends back home as well, so I found myself homeless at the beginning of the pandemic! Lucky for me, Hank the Yank’s friend had half of a duplex available. Hank was so kind that he covered my rent until I could get my first paycheck, not until the end of August! I got a job at the school where I did my student teaching but with the lockdown and all students being stuck at home, my job’s future seemed in question. Then came the new place in a very ethnic based community, making me the only white woman around. It was pretty scary but I stayed inside all of the time. I tried to do all of my shopping early in the morning when the only activity outside were people going to work. Most of my neighbors were from Mexico to work in the poultry plant near by but a few were definitely in gangs and those boys frightened me! Once I got my first paycheck, I was able to move into a new apartment in a safer neighborhood but that spring and summer were scary.

Living in true isolation for the first time in my life really destroyed part of me. Having lived in such a controlled and sexual environment but now with the lack of direction and purpose coupled with my insatiable sexual lust for male attention; isolation was tough. As many have said, at the time, thank god for Amazon! I got my first programmable vibrator, not to mention the sour dough craze, for a point of reference. Sally and I FaceTime daily which was the only thing keeping me sane. Once school began and learning how to teach virtually, as my first year, ever, as a teacher, that was hard. I did my best but those poor kids and I really struggled the first month of school. We eventually learned a routine and we all started to feel a little more comfortable sharing and having meaningful conversations. What we all saw, behind the student’s faces were their homes and their actual lives! Never before have teachers had that intimate look into other people’s lives, it was voyeurism at its best, if that appeals to you. Appalled, disgusting, funny,sweet, loving, yeah everything, nudity, and of course sexual acts, on occasion. When I met my students for the first time, in person, I just wanted to cry over some, smack a few others, but mostly I was just happy to be in a real classroom, even if we did only meet for 1/2 days with 1/2 of the class and then switch to the other half. Those were some weird times! As restrictions were being lifted, so were my thoughts. I was a long way from where I am now but it was at this point that I started seeing a therapist named Karen. She has been my rock and guiding light through this terrible storm! Slowly, life got easier and as more and more people were able to socialize my spirit lifted again. With Karen’s help, I was first able to overcome my depression but also to help turn my life around and started to develop new life plans and goals, one without the need for men, but one where I make all of the decisions over my body!

It’s been just over four years ago, I am a different woman today. Today I know who I am, what I am, and most importantly what my value is and the strength to not lower my standards. I know there is a man out there who is perfect for me and I for him! Until that day, I celebrate my independence, my life, and my future!

[littlest-bugz]

TW: Vague abuse mention, brief SH mention

Kind of a vent, but more rambling about my current life.

Only tagging triggers (sorry, idk how to trigger SH).

It’s so weird being a DID system and still living in an abusive environment.

Like, we were talking to both our psychiatrist and therapist about our situation, and they both brought up how my coping with dissociation is still something that protects me. And because Im not turning to SH in order to take care of myself, I find myself dissociating so much more. Even with coping mechanisms on hand, it’s just something out of our control in this environment.

It’s weird having so much awareness on our system, but being unable to communicate properly, which is the main problem with our weird amnesia. Where we can be co-con but when we switch in, it’s blackout amnesia. We would have to leave each other notes, but if our abusers saw the notes, they would bring them up.

Like I said, near always co-con with someone. But we forget everything when we switch, which makes our usual rapid switching all the more draining and confusing.

The fact even our professionals are like “all we can do is stabilize you for now, no actual healing can really happen until [I] leave ‘that environment’” makes me want to get better out of spite, but being repeatedly abused means with every step forward, its 2 steps backwards. And that frustrates me. I want to be happy, I want to love and be loved, I want to be vulnerable yet safe. But in this situation it’s impossible. And being disabled and healing from surgeries, its not possible to support myself, so I *have* to rely on my abusers.

This is not fun, but I guess it is what it is.

[wanda-little-baby]

First mission - Wanda x Reader

Summary: The first real mission in the field, and between various fights you meet a familiar person

Warnings: So there are fights and injuries therefore: blood, gun mentions, wounds (deep?), Explicit language, mild use of magic (mild does not mean non-lethal), implied sexual language? (Drunken chatter) and finally very little angst | 18+ DNI

A/N: So, this chapter was very complicated to write because I tried a lot of new things (like action scenes) and it's still uncharted territory for me but I don't give up and continue the adventure with more determination.

Words: 3.294

Italics: thought / memories

The mission was simple: infiltrate, deactivate the shields and kick some Nazi sympathizer's ass. And then I'm a trained spy with telekinetic powers (just under fifteen hours, but yes I am!), accompanied by one of the best spies in the world (if not the best) as well as my mentor and best friend. How bad could it go?

Needless to say, it went very badly.

Moving silently through the Sokovian bush, Nat and I split up to do first, and in no time at all we met again inside one of the Hydra trucks to get through the controls before the city.

During the checks in a sort of customs office, everything seemed to be in order, the city had been passed and now another stretch of forest was missing up to the castle.

And then the spark of disaster. A series of loud highs started rumbling in my head making me fall to the ground and pull my hair with my hands and from there a wave of magic started that completely destroyed the truck and violently knocked me and Natasha as far as possible. Obviously, immediately after the alarm went off and everyone (absolutely everyone) knew of our presence (yehh, cover blown!) and rushed in mass.

"Fuck!" I answered getting up from the ground, rightly angry with myself for the mess made

The air smells of burning, the face all covered with dirt, still confused the first thought I can formulate is to find Natasha, will I have hurt her?

Moving to the place where the truck was, I saw the redhead do the same only with more fury.

"What the hell was that?" she asked, raising her arms and referring to the wave of magic

"I have no idea! Suddenly I got a very strong headache and I don't know how I released-" I said raising my voice to match the Russian tone "-all this" gesturing to imitate the explosion of before

"Are you OK?" finally calming down she asked, remembering the flight we had made. "Yes and you?" I countered, reminding myself of the reason for my agitation. "I could be better" with her eyes scanning the white environment she replied; "We need to warn Steve, they're on their way, and there will be a lot of them," I said, staring at the towering castle beyond the forest. "Yes, I'll take care of it, you try not to blow up anything else" she stressed the event once again, making me respond with rolling my eyes.

Now I was alone with my thoughts again preparing myself for my first truly important mission. I thoughtfully fiddled with the little lightning bolt pendant hanging from my neck (it means a lot to me) pacing back and forth from one side of the street to the other.

What was that noise? I haven't done such a thing since THAT day. And why am I discovering all these new skills all so quickly?Here something stinks to me.

I don't have time to formulate a thought that the first shots are starting to be heard; as if time slowed down in a split second (almost instinctively) I created a barrier to stop the bullets. Keeping the barrier raised, my elbow pressed against my ear to activate the communicator: "Steve! Move your ass here now!"

"We met resistance, the beast eventually transformed and now we're doing it as soon as possible" Tony's voice came out of the earpiece. "Hold on! We're on our way," the captain exclaimed from inside the head set.

Right, hold on, it should be easy, right?

Tense muscles, ready for action; the barrier dissolves and I throw myself behind a tree, my breathing begins to accelerate, I put my hands in the holster and take the gun. Natasha is on the other side, I signal her to go left while I go right.

One ... Two ... Three ... now

I go further and further, breathing pure adrenaline by shooting soldiers too far away and knocking out those close enough to punch, kick or both. I feel my heart beating in my ears and in the excitement of battle I don't realize a soldier behind me ready to plant lead in my back and just before his finger pulls on the trigger, an electric arrow knocks him over to the snow.

They have arrived

Within minutes, the first wave had been totally defeated.

"Did you take it easy huh?" I said putting the gun back in its holster momentarily

"Not even a thank you?" Clint said from the vehicle they had confiscated (why?) "It see you spend a lot of time with Natasha" he added pointing between me and the redhead

To which I looked in agreement with her, who simply replied by rolling her eyes. We approached the jeep and ousted the archer from the driver's seat by choosing a better strategy: Nat drives, Clint and I shoot.

With perfect timing, more enemies begin to arrive from both sides and the dance begins again.

The three of us in the jeep, Steve on his motorcycle, Thor with his hammer, Tony in the skies and Doctor Banner's mister Hyde, one by one we divide, gaining more and more ground towards the castle.

The shots follow one another at the falling bodies, even a soldier has come close enough to almost attack Nat, at least until she has slammed the door in his face, everyone is committed to taking out the largest number of soldiers. And at a certain point, at the apex of the climax we find ourselves all lined up in the air (the jeep unfortunately has not reached the end of the climax), in a slow motion scene like those of the movies, ready for the final plea to break through the defenses and enter the base.

Now everyone was thinking to himself, Stark flew away to proceed with the next step of the plan (destroys the shields), Steve darted at high speed towards the enemy base and it was me, Nat, Clint and Hulk fighting. Move after move the widow and I watched each other's backs, putting to good use days of training together, while the archer from afar shot his lethal arrows and the Hulk sowed destruction and death in the ranks of the Hydra soldiers.

Meanwhile (from space?) JARVIS replied in the communication channel to a request from the captain: "The central building protected by some kind of energy shield. Strucker's technology is well beyond any other base we've taken"

Then landing in a thundering rush the mighty god of thunder fighting some nearby soldiers spoke: "Loki's scepter must be here." kick against a soldier's stomach "Strucker couldn't mount this defense without it." The Mjølnir that comes back hitting someone else's face "At long last" As a last breath, almost whispered with joy.

Now let's get back to us, mere mortals with no money (but with some power on my part but for this time let's let it go) as we continue to support each other side by side with the tiredness still far away on arrival and to discuss the words we have just heard in the earphones.

"At long last is lasting a little long, boys" Natasha began by knocking out two of the enemy's men

"Yeah. I think we've lost the element of surprise" Clint continued by shooting an arrow from behind a tree to blow up one of the many bunkers scattered throughout the forest

"I think I've figured it out for a while" I finished giving a sharp blow in the chest of one while I shot in the leg of another.

"Wait the second. No one else is gonna deal with the fact that Cap just said language?" Tony asked curiously, as if he wasn't in the middle of a battle

Initially I wanted to answer but then I found myself in front of five soldiers all of a sudden and a turret behind. I was surrounded, then like a bolt from the blue, Hulk literally passed in the middle of the turret disintegrating it and then I had only the five soldiers in front of me left. So just for a change this time I decided to put into practice something I had never done before in the other missions (if we can call those sad and boring surveillance of potentially dangerous objectives that way) or use my powers. Concentration, a deep breath, try to slow my heartbeat, channel all the magic in me into the palms of my hands, throw and boom! Two small scarlet spheres had completely annihilated five soldiers in one blow. Ok I absolutely had to do it more often and faster because it's much easier than guns or doing it with bare hands (sometimes even with legs). But there was no time because during this whole realization I heard Nat running towards Clint because he had been hit by a cannon from a bunker and while I was running he met them to provide a minimum of cover (just not to miss) Steve said "We have an Enhanced in the field".

It was a lot to think about but I had to first make sure my friend was okay and that her best friend was okay as he had just been shot so I continued on my way.

"Is fine?" I asked kneeling to help Nat with a temporary bandage.

"He surely won't die today," she said, holding out her hand to be passed another layer of blindfold. While we continued the conversation the bunker from before I try to fire again if it wasn't for a little thing called a barrier that I had created half a second before the shot went off "I can't hold up here forever" I said turning to the redhead behind me and to the man lying on the snow "Is anyone taking care of that bunker?" she tried to say just before the Hulk jumped on that rock construct reducing it to mush

"Thank you" she whispered (I can see that between her and Bruce there was a feeling, at least I see it and know her well enough to say that she will never admit it)

In no time after that incident Tony broke the shields leaving the green light to enter. The captain rightly decided that Barton had to be brought back to the jet and since Thor had volunteered to take him out there were only me, Steve and Tony (Nat was reassuring the Hulk to get his "crush" back) ready to enter and take the scepter, capture Strucker and put an end to this story.

With Tony already inside, I followed Steve but decided to stay outside in case someone (ehm, a certain baron… ehm) decided to escape (again). I am there waiting with joy to cut off this head of the Hydra when a girl passes in front of me, we exchange a single glance before she disappears behind a blue trail and a small gust of wind. At first glance I scream: "Hey!" and with a confused look I put my hands on my hips and look around for the mysterious girl.

Reflect, I had to reflect. Ok, repeating, I saw a girl running in the middle of a Hydra structure, now I have to zoom in a little more, the wheels of my brain start spinning faster and faster than if there was someone near me could see the smoke that came out of my ears, when suddenly the illumination, her face, I had already seen it but where?

Green eyes, dark hair and a sprinkle of freckles on the nose. A face that I have not seen before half a minute ago and yet it seems to me that I have seen it all my life.

And of course just when I'm about to get to the revelation Steve comes along and says, "Y/N! We have to go, Tony took the scepter" looking worried enough to understand that this wasn't the first time he repeated the phrase; nodding, I follow him in silence, mulling over myself to the jet.

I had to tell Natasha.

——————————————————————

Entering the jet there was a strange air, a mixture of tension and relaxation at the same time, if I had a sword (possibly magical, because it never hurts) I could slice this feeling but I had other priorities.

I sling directly next to the stretcher where Clint is, to stop Natasha's incessant cares and talk to her for a moment in private.

"Hey Clint! How's it going?" I asked hastily still upset and not at all aware of the general situation of the group.

"Like I was just shot" he said painfully, pulling Nat's hand away from the wound.

Nodding, with a more serious tone I put a hand on Natasha's arm that makes her stop and look at me with a questioning look. "Мне нужно поговорить с тобой, это срочн" I said looking at her with the most sincere eyes I could do.

In that instant she left everything, she knew that I don't speak Russian very often (at least not after that time in here ...) and so it was important. Oddly, however, she eventually changed to an expression of displeasure. "I have to make sure Bruce is okay first" she said on the verge of sadness. "Can you resist?" she asked me and I nodded not before saying "Конечно! Убедись, что твоему парню удобно!". At which she walked away rolling her eyes but smiling.

I still remember the time I learned Russian in a week. It was a movie night and completely ignoring what was being shown on TV Natasha and I were talking about our "complicated" families, munching some popcorn and talking about when she was still part of the black widows. And in the end she came up with a challenge "I bet you couldn't learn Russian" by hitting my arm with one hand she said. And with a face between the offended and the amused I replied "A yes? Then I swear to you that I will learn it ... In a week!". For the whole following week I locked myself in the room with only JARVIS company and a bunch of books on the Russian language and culture, but then in the end after six days (almost seven) I could speak Russian decently! I was so happy to have won the bet that for the following month I only spoke Russian and the beauty was that only she understood me! But then in the long run, more and more embarrassing situations arose that in the end I stopped and since then I speak only in emergencies.

Hinting a smile at the memory of that memorable month, I turned back to the archer next to me. "How is she?" I indicated with a slight nod towards the older woman

"She is very worried." he said sighing and putting himself on his elbows to be able to speak. "I haven't seen her so scared in a long time," he continued looking at a fixed point with blank eyes.

"She'll be fine. She's the strongest woman I've ever known," I sighed crossing my arms and frowning at the conversation she was having with Bruce. I then move closer to Clint's face and whisper so that only he can hear: "And then you must be fine too. After all, you must go back to your family." And giving him a smiling wink I walk away going towards Natasha.

Every time Nat and I got drunk (yes I'm almost twentytwo and I can already put in a sentence every time and get drunk) we ended up doing stupid things, and the last time was no less. The alcohol, however, began to act on her first and we found ourselves talking about our teammates and who we wanted to take to bed. And when we got to Clint, finally in a totally drunk laugh she came out claiming that he had a wife and children. I was not so drunk so the confession left me amazed and then before asking for a confirmation I had to pick up a fainted Natasha from my body and bring her back to her room. The next morning it was impossible to say that she had taken a really heavy hangover and therefore it was useless to talk to her, so when the evening arrived I put forward the question in front of a splendid dinner (obviously cooked by me) and she without confirming or denying said that she would never drink again.

——————————————————————

"What happened?" she asked with her arms crossed, staring at me all flustered.

"Earlier during the flight, I had a dream." I said trying to calm my breath. She remained silent and let me continue. "They were mostly pictures, but there was one thing in particular. A girl, the same girl who darted in front of my eyes in Strucker's base."

Needless to say, hes eyes widened in amazement.

"The enhanced one? The one that attacked Steve earlier? That one?" she asked in amazement, gradually increasing the tone of her voice with each question.

"Shh!!! Be quiet, I don't want others to hear it" I waved my arms to make lower her voice.

"And then, enhanced? Did she attack Steve? When did that happen?" I continued the huge amount of questions already asked in this situation, with more and more nervousness.

Just before she started explaining I broke off abruptly: "Anyway, I feel I have some kind of connection with her. Even now, I feel she's nervous, and I don't know how I know. It's as if, since I've seen her my powers were amplified and focused specifically on her. It's just, weird."

There was a moment of silence as I stared at Natasha making a decision, almost wanting to see what she was thinking.

I don't know what to say to Y/N, her powers are something indefinable. And then why did he dream of that girl? Steve told me that she pushed him away, and that red wisps came out of her hands like Y/N's.

Not caring in the least whether I had read Nat's thoughts or not, I exclaim.

"She is like me!"

At this point the widow in front of me was stunned and then sudden. "I'm so sorry. I was so focused waiting for your opinion and I accidentally entered your mind, I have no idea how I did it." I made a short version of an apology.

"No Y/N listen, I'm the one who has to apologize. I hid this from you, and I never should have. Whatever it is, it's part of you now as well as her. And I know now you're going to want to find her, but I ask you only one thing, rest, at least three days. It has been a hard year for you and me, between the training and the other things we have been through we need three days of total relaxation" she said finally dissolving the tense atmosphere between the two of us.

"Three days, I can resist" I finally confirmed by loosening my shoulders and letting go of a breath that I didn't even know I was holding

She stretched out her arms wanting to hug me and then asks. "I can?" and this time I feel I can say "Yes". And so we hug, (it was weird because it was the first hug in a long time) concluding the impossible things to do as done.

In the embrace, even if brief, she whispers "Don't try to read my mind anymore" and then I burst into a too little muffled laugh, mumbling an incomprehensible "Ok!".

(Why do I keep forgetting to add tags? I have no idea)