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animepopheart · 3 years

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Wonder Egg Priority, Episode 11: “The Temptation of Death”?

Wonder Egg Priority is a beautiful, uncomfortable, moving and confusing series that starts out engaging all the things we don’t talk about—self-harm, abuse, rape, bullying, gender dysmorphia, and homosexuality, to name a few. Our silence and blindness to these issues have a weight and pressure to them, and WEP shows how this reinforces the isolation and hopelessness of the young women of the “eggs” who turn to suicide for relief. The first ten episodes have been exhilarating and exhausting alike.

And then there is Episode 11. This past week, the series took a bit of a turn, leaning hard into the sci-fi-philosophical, with appearances from Greek gods, a murderous artificial intelligence, and really, really disturbing insect girls, one of whom, despite being a brutal killer, is apparently a vegetarian. Has the show gone off the rails? Has it lost its way in departing from the familiar procedural approach of engaging a differing social or mental health issue with each episode?

Such a critique is perfectly legit, but before you write off the penultimate episode of WEP, just hear me out on why the abstract, meta turn in episode 11 may just be the most valuable thing this series has to offer so far.

Before we begin though, a little recap of what we learned this week. In episode 10, we hear the eggheads, Acca and Ura-Acca, discuss the need for warriors of Eros to battle Thanatos. This is our first hint that things are about to get lore-full and maybe a bit weird. Eros and Thanatos are of course gods in the ancient Greek pantheon, Eros being the god of love, and Thanatos, of non-violent death. Within the first minute or so of episode 11, it’s clear that the eggheads’ hope is now focused on Ai becoming the long-awaited warrior. At this point though, rather than continuing with Ai’s story, the episode shifts into flashback mode and we are finally introduced to the villain, an artificial intelligence created by the eggheads back when they were still human. Their lives gradually come to revolve around her: She is the fulfillment of their obsession to create life, and she is good.

Frill is associated with hydrangeas, which symbolise heartlessness and pride in Japanese flower language. But is it her heartlessness and pride, or that of her makers?

(Atelier Emily has done an outstanding series of posts on the flowers in WEP. Check it out!)

Only, it turns out she doesn’t play so nice when others join the happy family. After killing Acca’s wife, and putting the life of the unborn baby at risk, the AI—who named herself Frill—is unrepentant, all traces of her seeming humanity now revealed to be illusory, a mere affectation. Acca locks her away in a hole in the cellar. Years pass. The baby, Himari, grows up and is a ray of sunshine. But after effectively confessing to her ‘uncle’ (why does anime always do this?), she commits suicide. Ura-Acca discovers that Frill is still very much alive and active from her hole in the cellar, having powered up all the discarded monitors and laid down reams of electrical cables—to what end, we do not yet know. Though Ura-Acca surmises that she has somehow influenced Himari to take her own life. How else would the girl have known about Ura-Acca’s admiration for her mother? Where else would she have learned to make what will forever be to me now that uncannily sinister popping sound?

Here’s where it gets weirder. Unlike the suicides of subsequent egg girls, there is no indication that Himari, Frill’s apparent first victim, struggled with any mental health or other issues that would motivate her to take her own life. Indeed, her ‘uncle’ did not even reject her confession. (Again anime, why you do this thing?) Instead, the eggheads explain Himari’s suicide as being on account of the “temptation of death.” What now?

This is implying that death is somehow attractive, not just to someone facing overwhelming brokenness, trauma or pain, like the egg girls we’ve met so far, but to someone on the verge of stepping from a (relatively) happy childhood into young adulthood, with the promise of potential love to look forward to; someone who has not known suffering, but rather only smiles and cake. (To be fair, it is always possible that she experienced trauma in the womb, or was more deeply affected by her father’s sadness than Ura-Acca’s memories belie.)

That’s my question too, Ai.

The notion of death as somehow attractive or even beautiful is rather alien to Western culture. Certainly, there will always be some who romanticize death, à la star-crossed lovers (Shakespeare, I’m looking at you). But in general, Western culture views death as something ugly and frightening, something to avoid until it is staring you directly in the face, and even then, closing your eyes in denial is a perfectly reasonable response. Death is one of those things we don’t talk about. In my experience, Anglo-American culture is not very good at even mourning death. We lack the grieving rituals and observances of other cultures, and instead seek to confine death to the sealed, sanitized spaces of hospitals, care homes, and funeral parlors. We keep it shrouded tightly in silence. How could there ever be anything like the “temptation of death”? How could we ever consider death to be something desirable? Are the eggheads or CloverWorks simply aestheticising suicide and death here to make it sound deep and philosophical?

No, I don’t think that’s it. Instead, Acca and Ura-Acca are doing what all good researchers do—and indeed what all Christians, as believers in an unseen spiritual reality, are also called to do: They are looking more deeply into phenomena that seem, on the surface, to already be explained. The two idol fans were consumed with their obsession, so when their idol killed herself, they followed suit. The young woman whose identity was wrapped up in her own appearance ended her life to preserve her beauty. The abused gymnast saw no way out, no hope in ever living free from torment. Some explanations may be more sympathetic than others, but they all possess their own internal logic. Contemporary society is full of a vast array of pressures and stresses and each one, taken to breaking point, can result in death. Case closed. This might very well be our conclusion from the first ten episodes.

Only the case isn’t closed. Because there is a question that has pervaded every episode until now, but has remained unspoken: How is it that death could even become an option for the egg girls? Why does reaching a breaking point trigger suicide? What made death seem like a savior to these girls? This is the question that episode 11 tackles, in its own admittedly obscure way. The eggheads are focused on the underlying, deeper reality that unites all the eggs’ stories, as disparate as they are—the common thread, which is the idea that death is a release, a rescue, a beautiful ending, and as a result, it is tempting.

“But we wondered if there could be another push that drove them to suicide,” explains Ura-Acca.

This is a really important question for us to be asking. Because it’s not just these traumatized, vulnerable girls who fall for the seduction of death. We do, too.

Just ponder for a moment: Have you ever anticipated how wonderful it will be when, in heaven, you no longer struggle with that particular temptation? When your temper is no longer so short, when you’re not afraid of being hurt anymore? Or maybe you think about how one day, on those gold-paved streets, you won’t have to worry anymore. All your hard work coping and just keeping it together will finally pay off and you’ll cross that finish line and heave a sigh of relief, knowing that you made it in the end. Have you ever contemplated these kinds of things? I know I have.

But here’s the thing: When I expect my liberation to come only after I die and not right here, right now, then it is not Jesus who is my savior, but death. I am waiting for death to free me from temptation and sin and fear and brokenness, and usher me into eternal life. I make Thanatos my god.

The temptation of death is not limited to the drastic act of suicide, but also permeates all the accusations and fears that inspire us to put off living the fullness of life in Christ here and now. It’s the temptation to believe that it is death that will ultimately solve the more difficult and painful problems in life.

Acca and Ura-Acca seek to create a love that suits their ideals, just to relieve their stress.

The source of this “temptation of death” in Wonder Egg Priority is Frill, the AI. That is, a man-made, artificial version of love—with ai meaning “love” in Japanese. According to Ura-Acca, they made her “just for fun,” as a way of dealing with the stress of their enclosed lives. They designed her to suit their preferences, to make it easier to love her and forget that she was artificial. In this sense, Frill is the fruit of their self-centeredness, her every characteristic designed to satisfy their own ideals of how a daughter and woman should be. And this artificial love born of selfishness brings death into their midst and beyond, spreading it through the horrendous deformities of girlhood that she in turn creates, in imitation of her fathers. (Only perhaps her creations are less deceptive than theirs, wearing their monstrosity plainly on the outside…)

Frill’s creations. We’ve met Dash (right) and Dot (center), but who is that on the left? And is her name Morse??

To counter her destructive influence, Acca and Ura-Acca need true love, a genuine love. They need Ai, a messy, at times very weak human being, but one who nevertheless is willing to fight to live up to her name and maybe, just maybe, become a warrior of Eros.

There is also a deep, underlying force at work in our world, one that connects all despair and the actions born of it. A wide range of social issues, traumas and mental health challenges can and do trigger suicide, but they do not explain it fully. The deeper reality is the existence of an enemy who seeks to manipulate us into believing our true savior can only be death, whether it is right away by our own hand, or more subtly, decades from now by natural causes. But this is a lie, and it is one that we can combat. Just as I’m sure we’ll see in the final episode that Ai is equipped to wage the coming battle in WEP, so too are we armed, here and now, with the power to overwhelm the enemy’s “temptation of death”—we possess already the words of life, given to us by our true savior.

Jesus began his ministry with a public announcement that he had come to heal heart wounds, comfort those in pain, fill broken lives with beauty, and wrap those in despair with reasons to praise like a warm protective blanket, so that they might celebrate with joy once again. He came to bring freedom to prisoners and captives alike, giving a fresh new life to those locked up because of deeds done wrong, and those punished and injured at the hands of others. He came to take the outcasts, the weak, the traumatized and broken and transform them into mighty oaks, clean and strong; into people with the vision and skill and compassion and fortitude to rebuild a broken world (Isaiah 61:1-4, Luke 4:18),

He came to rewrite and restore our experience of life here on earth, and through us, to redeem our communities, cities, nations, and the world. God does not withhold the fullness of life from us until we finally make it to him in heaven. No, instead he moved heaven and earth to get right up close so that he could pour his own life out into us, even going so far as to breathe his very spirit into our hearts and bodies and minds. We don’t need to wait for death’s rescue—our hero has already come. But we do need to remind each other and ourselves of this truth pretty often, and let it work down deep into all the cracks and bruises in our souls until it strengthens all our weak spots.

In Deuteronomy 30:19, God tells the Israelites that he has given them the authority to choose between life and death. But he also tips the balances in their favor, urging them to choose life. In Jesus, he comes to tip the balances even further, making it possible for us to step into eternal life here and now, immediately and forever. So let’s do it. Each day, through each struggle we face. Let’s choose life and not death.

Warrior of love? And is Ai’s himawari (sunflower) related to Himari somehow?

Join me (in spirit) for the final episode on Tuesday to see Ai’s love triumph! (At least, I really really hope that’s what happens!)

#wonder egg priority #wep #wep frill #ai ohto #Christianity #blog #NOT by me but rather by one of our other writers: cajk2

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itsclydebitches · 3 years

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Hey Clyde, did you check out Wonder Egg Priority at all? The first ep is super promising, but the series as a whole is one of those real fascinating disasters from a story and a production standpoint that might be up your alley as a thing to pick apart haha.

I’d warn that it’s also reeeeal offensive and this generally gets worse as it goes though.

Hi, Phoenix! How are you and Cube doing?

Okay, I hadn't watched Wonder Egg Priority when I received your ask this morning. Now I have. In a fit of intense curiosity I settled down for a rare binge session and tore through all twelve episodes + OVA in a single sitting. It is now nearly 3:00am as I write this because I, oh so clearly, make fantastic life choices.

A question for you: what did I just watch?

The rest is going under a read more partly for spoilers, but more-so because WEP—and the summary I'm about to give, because I feel like I need to try and explain this to tumblr's faceless void for my own, dwindling sanity—comes with about every trigger warning under the sun. Seriously, if you are triggered by anything that we might think of as a "standard" trigger (meaning, not unique to you and your own experiences), best to proceed with caution.

Right! What the ever loving fuck happened in this show? Well, let's work through this chronologically. Two genius, frat boy brothers (I get their names mixed up so I'm not even gonna bother) are locked in their apartment and closely monitored because of Super Secret Science Research. Even though, I think, they're the ones who created this company. Not important! What is important is that they're bored enough to create an AI for funsies, thinking of her as their daughter and letting her name herself Frill. Frill is the perfect, cutesy, also genius child who has a habit of popping her lips — which the camera focuses on in an incredibly creepy fashion. One day Brother #1 (the hot one) falls in love with a random woman we know nothing about and Frill gets jealous.

"Jealous in a general sense?" you ask, thinking this show is in any way normal. "Like, just of her Dad giving attention to someone else?"

"No," I respond, patting your hand. "Jealous because she's in love with him." Which, beyond the subject matter itself, comes completely out of nowhere. Frill has a line about what you'd do if some woman stole your husband away. I, fool that I was, briefly considered that these two guys were lovers, not brothers. Oh no. They're brothers. Frill just considers Dad #1 to be her "husband."

So, in true evil AI fashion, she murders the wife, leaving only her newly born child behind. Who is a daughter.

Uh oh.

Dad #1 locks Frill in a coffin-esque hole in the basement and goes on with his life. Things are great! Until years later when the daughter reveals that she has fallen in love with her uncle (Dad #2 to Frill). She knows (somehow??) that both her dad and her uncle loved her mom, so if the loser uncle will just wait a few years he can marry her instead! He brushes her off, but the next day she’s found dead of an apparent suicide.

Realizing that this was somehow Frill’s doing, he marches down to the basement and confronts the murderous child they’ve had locked up for years. She’s now surrounded by screens in, again, true creep AI fashion. How did she get all this while she was locked up? Oh, just the three bug girls she created as friends prior to killing the wife. They’re devoted slaves, I guess. So the uncle says enough of this insanity and seemingly sets Frill on fire.

OH and Frill’s subtitled dialogue also puts “uncle” in quotation marks, implying that the daughter was always Dad #2’s??

Anyway, both brothers are now super obsessed with death and claim that they think Frill has had a hand in lots of girls’ suicides, even now after her own death. This is brought into question later when it’s revealed that they might have just concocted this scheme to try and bring back their daughter. I’m really not sure. Regardless, they use hand-wavey science to create eggs that I guess contain the souls of young girls who have committed suicide, then they sucker in other young girls who have lost people to suicide to try and rescue their loved ones in a dream world, saving others along the way. A tomboyish girl, Momoe, lost a classmate who admitted to loving her, but who Momoe rejected. Rika, a former junior idol, used and rejected an overweight fan only to learn later that she’d starved herself to death. Neiru, the 14yo president of some science company (yup) was attacked by her sister before she jumped off a bridge. Finally Ai, our protagonist, is a victim of bullying who managed to make friends with a single girl, Koito, who then jumped from their school building for unknown reasons. They’re all given the chance to bring these individuals back to life, provided they protect other victims of suicide by defeating the monstrous traumas that drove them to that act in the first place.

And you know what? That concept was great. However, the execution ranges from “Okay, that was pretty good for an anime. Kudos there” to “That’s the most offensive thing I’ve seen in my life.” Needless to say, unpacking all the battles they fight would take a lot more than this already absurd summary. Basically, if you can think of something horrible to happen to young girls (and one trans guy whose existence in that egg undermines the whole message of the episode), there’s an attempt to tackle it here.

During all this the four girls become friends and Ai works through her suspicions about Mr. Sawaki, a teacher at her school. What’s going on with Mr. Sawaki? Uh… everything! He’s somehow connected to Koito’s death, he’s dating Ai’s mom, and Ai apparently loves him too because her friends say so, even though this is never actually addressed and she barely interacts with him. It’s all quite the complication.

In time though the girls complete their “mission” of bringing their loved ones back to life. Rika and Momoe manage it first, only to find that Frill’s bug-girl lackeys have arrived to kill them. Why? Because that’s what Frill does, I guess. Momoe’s crocodile familiar (cute animals the girls were gifted to help them fight) takes a killing blow for her and the bug-lady then proceeds to carve up his corpse and force feed it to Momoe. Fantastic!! Building off of that, the next bug-lady who Rika encounters kills her turtle too, following in the footsteps of her bug-sister by, presumably, forcing her to eat parts of its head. Ai refuses to sacrifice her familiar to stay alive, but luckily the suicide she was protecting turns out to be herself from a parallel universe (that's a thing now!) and she takes the killing blow herself, which is done by pulling out the eye she’s sensitive about (she has heterochromia.) So parallel Ai passes on (again?) and the three girls don’t work through this trauma at all, instead becoming more traumatized through the realization that the loved ones they brought back no longer remember them. They’re alive, but the relationship they all had with them is dead.

It’s about this point that the main storyline wraps up and I’m relieved that there’s an OVA to finish things off. Surely they can somehow bring this all together in 45 minutes.

…25 minutes of that OVA is recap.

So with only about 20 minutes left, we learn that Neiru, the only one to not complete her mission yet, has mysteriously gone missing. It turns out she was an AI/clone/something all along, made to replace her sister and, presumably, that’s what caused the whole stabbing-suicide incident. She successfully brings her sister back, but stays behind in the dream world because Frill promises her she can become human. How is Frill here when she’s dead? How will Neiru become human? Isn’t Frill the “temptation of death” or whatever? There are no answers. A flashback finally reveals that Koito was having a relationship with a teacher at another school, he committed suicide, she transferred, she tried the same thing with Mr. Sawaki, he kept refusing her advances, and finally while threatening suicide to get his attention, she accidentally fell.

(So why was she in the suicide egg if it was an accident??)

Except, all this information comes through Mr. Sawaki himself, there’s a whole subplot about whether he’s really a villain, or if Ai is just making him into one, and this show might as well be titled How Much Pedophilia Can We Put into One Anime? So make of that what you will.

A dead character randomly shows up, but it's fine because she's actually just a version from a parallel world. How did she get here? Why is she here? Lol, it's cute that you think these are answered.

Rika, the character who cuts and almost committed suicide halfway through the show, breaks down saying how much she misses her dead loved ones, right after her friends refused to let her go on another mission that would surely end in her death and… that’s it. That’s all we get about her.

Momoe too, though she’s hopefully just vibing somewhere with that longed-for boyfriend.

Ai transfers schools and then one day randomly remembers that she loves Neiru and rushes back to start cracking eggs again because that will? Somehow?? Let her see Neiru???

When I say there are too many unanswered questions to possibly list here I really, really mean it.

Finally, in a personal attack on me, the protagonist with a name that is literally AI is not in any way an artificial intelligence.

And that’s it! Congratulations, you now “understand” WEP. And see, the funny thing is that the off-the-rails, bat-shit crazy aspects kind of catch you off guard? Yeah, the first episode is fantastic. In fact, I think I got through about six episodes thinking that this was a solid, if at times really messed up anime, but I was willing to shrug off a lot of stuff due solely to the amount of sensitive material they were attempting to cover (which is always quite difficult to do). Probably the only reason I was able to binge so fast was because the first half of the series was so engaging. The characters are charming. The animation is GORGEOUS. There's actually a ton of good here that is also worth yelling about. But then the plot comes in like a freight train and I was left staring dumbfounded at my screen as more and more insanity kept happening. Having watched the "explanations" I am now more confused about the show I just saw.

Phoenix, if you’ve bothered to read this rambling, 3:00am rant: thank you. I think? Idk if I should actually be thanking you or cursing you for tuning me into this, but it was definitely an experience, that’s for sure lol.

I'm off to bed now RIP the chance of having normal dreams ✌️

#mymetas

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tangent101 · 3 years

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Max Caulfield and Post-Storm PTSD

One thing I find interesting (and have done so myself) is speculating on how broken Max will be in a Post-Storm (either Sacrifice Chloe or Sacrifice Arcadia Bay) setting. While some people (usually those who killed Chloe) like to say "she'd bounce back!" the predominant view is that we have a shattered Max after this who needs a lot of therapy. So I thought I'd unpack this and look at why I look at this this way.

At this point I should add there is potential triggers here. I'll be examining my own PTSD and elements of Max's state of mind that may in fact result in her being in declining mental health in the wake of the events of Life is Strange.

First, let's consider what PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) is, and what causes it. And for this I'm going to start by sharing my own trauma. Because I have PTSD. I gained this after I saw a vehicle go out of control and hit two people and run over two others. The final person was trapped under the vehicle and they had to push the van at an angle to pull him out, do CPR, and... he was dead. Even if EMTs had been right there, he'd not have survived.

I suffer flashbacks thinking of this, though it's gotten better. I will flinch, visualize what happened, and feel nausea. I get tense over this and... well, it's not a happy experience to put it mildly. And I have what is likely a milder case of PTSD. I also developed it despite being in an environment that put me at a lower risk of developing it. And yes, I had minor twinges of PTSD writing this up. Two years ago I probably would have had an actual visualization and anxiety break. So you can get better with therapy and help.

But what specifically is PTSD? According to the website for the National Institute of Mental Health, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) develops in some people who experience shocking or dangerous events, with people who have PTSD feeling stressed or frightened even when they are not in danger. PTSD can occur within 3 months of traumatic events or even have you be fine and then crop up *years* later. And symptoms include flashbacks where you relive the trauma, bad dreams, and frightening thoughts which can disrupt a person's everyday routine.

People with PTSD are easily startled, can feel "on edge," have angry outburst, and have difficulty sleeping. They could go through avoidance of staying away from reminders of the experience and avoiding thoughts or feelings related to the event. Further, cognitive and mood symptoms include problems remembering key features of the event, self-negativity, distorted guilt or blame feelings, and loss of interest in enjoyable activities.

Okay, so how can you avoid PTSD? And how could Max avoid this? Well, factors promoting recovery after trauma include seeking support from friends and family, finding a support group, learning to feel good about your own actions in the face of danger, positive coping strategies, and learning to act and respond effectively even when feeling fear.

And this is the kicker. This is why Max is likely screwed as a result of the events of Life is Strange, especially in a Sacrifice Chloe setting. Because Max blames herself and her time travel for the Storm and all the weird shit that happened. She may very well believe that if she uses time travel for any reason, it will result in the Storm and a lot more people dying. And this will get in the way of being in a healthy environment to avoid PTSD.

First, consider friends and family. Max can't tell them what happened because she has absolutely no proof of what she went through. She can't prove her time travel because if she does then she dooms wherever she is and a lot of people die. (It doesn't matter if this is the case or not, she assumes it is true.) So Max is not going to confide in Warren or Dana or Victoria or anyone. She can't. And she's quite likely going to isolate herself because we have already seen at the start of the game, Max is a bit of a loner who doesn't have many friends.

In fact, her two "friends" are Warren (who she feels threatened by due to his attraction to her, as seen by his inclusion in her Nightmare sequence including learning he doctored photos of her to include himself in the picture, his peeping activities on the second day, and the honestly-creepy "Go Ape" thing), and Kate. Kate is going through her own shit and Max remembers Kate killing herself. Is Max going to unload her own issues on someone going through a lot of shit as well or is she going to swallow her problems so not to trouble her friend? And Warren is someone she feels nervous around and who has engaged in some activities that set up warning flags in her psyche. Further, when she told Warren the truth, he promptly blames her time travel on fucking everything up. In short, she trusted Warren and Warren said "you caused all this destruction." (Even if Max initially blames herself, he reinforces that point of view before Max jumps through the photo to save Chloe.)

Nor can I see her telling her parents. Again, she has no proof. Her parents are overprotective already. If she starts going off on this fanciful tale, are they going to believe her? Or are they going to assume their daughter is cracking and force her into therapy and possibly hospitalize her "for her own good" (and thus she ends up medicated and miserable, having lost her autonomy and agency)? It doesn't matter if they wouldn't as Max will worry this could happen. It is better to never say a thing. So Max internalizes everything. And we already see evidence that Max has done this sort of thing in the past. Max keeps her secrets close to her heart. She never told her parents of the time travel even when she could have had proof. So why tell them after Chloe died?

I have been overcoming my PTSD by revisiting it and working through it. Part of this was guided by therapy. Max would not be in a position to talk about this. And how could she? After all, she didn't find Rachel Amber's body (and we have no proof her body is uncovered in a Sacrifice Chloe setting). She didn't see the Storm. She didn't see most of the incidents. The closest that happened was being in the bathroom when Chloe was shot. And her story of what happened would change from the week that beta-Max was in charge and when Max Prime returned to the timeline. So even if she was talking to a school counselor? She'd quickly learn that her story changed and probably shut up and stop seeing them so not to give away her story.

Remember: Max cannot admit to the time travel because doing so means either killing hundreds of people due to the Storm or being locked away for being crazy because she has no proof.

Next, we have feeling good about her actions. For five days Max had hammered into her skull her actions have consequences. More, those consequences are predominantly bad. Far too often Max has to Rewind to fix things from her actions. If she can't Rewind? That means by acting, she's going to fuck things up. In fact, the fundamental aspect of Sacrifice Chloe states that her action to save Chloe caused all of this destruction. Max is going to second-guess herself constantly.

I mean, if she sees Kate on the roof again at a later point (because women who are the victims of crimes are often blamed by society for the crimes inflicted against them as seen time and time again with how we blame victims of sexual harassment and rape for the crimes committed against them, so of course her church and mother and aunt will continue to blame Kate for what she went through), will Max dare to act? If she does, then she might cause another Storm. She might cause damage. If Kate is on that rooftop again, maybe she was supposed to die. Who does Max think she is by trying to stop Destiny?

So yeah. Max is not going to feel good about her actions. She is going to second-guess herself. She already had that tendency at the start of the game, and Sacrifice Chloe hammers down the truth that action is bad. Better to do nothing and not interact.

We end up with Avoidance. Well, what is the biggest Avoidance? Photography. Max already has a murderer who kidnapped her associated with photography. She remembers being in the Dark Room, being powerless in the face of the man who murdered her Chloe. (Just like she murdered her Chloe. She might not have pulled the trigger, but she caused Chloe's death.) She will see Chloe's death and Rachel's death and her own suffering each time she looks at a camera and remembers Mark Jefferson. More, she knows if she focuses on a photograph she could end up traveling through time and causing the Storm. So she can't even enjoy pictures anymore because they are a threat.

That's not to say that the Sacrifice Chloe setting is all dark and dire. She does have music. She loves music. So if she puts aside the camera she might pick up her guitar and embrace music. (Hannah Telle, Max's VA, once speculated that Max would enter a career in music, probably due partly to her own musical inclinations.) So while she might give up her greatest loves, she might eventually embrace a future in music. I doubt she'd ever play in public but... that might be an outlet for a hurting soul.

Now, I've gone on at length about how dire things are for Max in a Sacrifice Chloe setting, but what about Sacrifice Arcadia Bay? Well, things end up a bit more positive in this setting because she can actually talk about going through some of these things. For instance, Max dug up a body with Chloe. She saw Chloe almost shot by Nathan in the bathroom. She saw Kate attempt suicide (whether or not she stopped it is immaterial to the suicide attempt). She learned that a trusted teacher and mentor was in fact a predator who was kidnapping young women, saw pictures of these crimes, and thus "suffers flashbacks visualizing herself in this setting." She can go to therapy and talk about many things she cannot in a Sacrifice Chloe setting and in doing so she can start to work through elements that could result in PTSD developing.

She can also talk to Chloe about what happened. Chloe knows about the time travel. She knows about almost dying (and Max witnessing Chloe's death multiple times). This gives Max a needed outlet for overcoming her own fears and concerns. But more importantly is this: Chloe is likely to tell Max to face down her fears. Chloe is the person who always pushed Max to try new things. And I honestly cannot see that changing as a result of what they went through.

Max also will learn to feel good about her actions. I mean, she chose Chloe over Arcadia Bay. This is the ultimate action, and while she may feel remorse for those deaths and that destruction... she also knows she saved Chloe and Chloe is by her side. She knows that her actions led to the capture and arrest of Mark Jefferson and saving Victoria Chase's life. Hell, it led to David Madsen (and probably a couple Arcadia Bay police officers) surviving the Storm because they were in the Dark Room at the time of the Storm. Her actions have consequences... and those consequences need not be dire. They can be beneficial.

So the Max of Sacrifice Arcadia Bay has a support group, she has access to therapy and can talk about some of the things she went through, she has someone she loves who believes her, she knows that her actions have benefit, she has someone who urges her to move forward. This isn't to say she won't have PTSD... but she is in a far better environment to overcome this to the point that in Life is Strange 2, we learn (in the Save Chloe timeline) that Max is submitting to galleries and that Chloe is still with her. So she's taking pictures and is in a good place in her life.

Now, what about Chloe? After all, Chloe went through some truly horrific shit herself. Chloe was almost shot by Nathan, she almost got hit by a train, she was threatened by Frank, she dug up the body of a girl she truly cared for, dozens of yards from where she was hanging out regularly, she saw a huge-ass Tornado wipe out her home town and kill her mother... yeah, Chloe's been through some horrific stuff, about as horrific as Max. More, she is in an unhealthy position at the time of the game.

But much of what benefits Max in the Save Chloe timeline also benefits Chloe. She can talk to a therapist. She has Max by her side. She has Max by her side and Max out-and-out chose her over hundreds of people. Joyce chose David over her, and for four years Chloe was in an unsafe environment. Rachel was... Rachel, and she was cheating on Chloe anyway. But Max... Max comes back, she saves her life several times, she helps Chloe time and time again, and at the end she chose Chloe over Arcadia Bay. That is big. That is bigger than big, it is... for once, Chloe was told "you are important." I mean, I'm getting teary-eyed just thinking of how big this is. Chloe has realized just how much Max loves her.

So... Chloe might develop PTSD. She is at risk of it. I think her triggers might similar to Max's - both girls probably will freak over thunderstorms for a while, and both may develop an aversion toward guns... at first I thought they'd differ but really, they'd align fairly well. About the only trigger issue Max would have Chloe doesn't has to do with photography (which is why Chloe is the person who'd help Max overcome any such issues).

#ptsd #post traumatic stress disorder #life is strange #lis #max caulfield #chloe price #max and chloe #sacrifice arcadia bay #sacrifice chloe #mental health

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moiraineswife · 4 years

Text

Jasnah - The Facade Meta

Today we’re going to discuss the stormlight of my life, your life, your cat’s life: Jasnah Kholin. Topics of discussion include (but will likely not be limited to): the face she wears, the effect her childhood and what we know if it has had on her, madness, her mother, her perceived invincibility, and whatever else strikes me as relevant in the midst of this chaotic clusterfuck of yelling tarted up as character analysis.

Now. To business:

Let us begin at the beginning (of what we know) and talk about Jasnah’s childhood illness, and what this has done to her in terms of her relationship with her mother, her outlook on life, and her perception of, well, perception…

“It’s your daughter,” Dalinar guessed. “Her lunacy.”

“Jasnah is fine, and recovering. It’s not that.” (OB, 49, Born Unto Light)

Peppered through Dalinar’s flashbacks in Oathbringer are small hints at the dark side of Jasnah’s childhood. We’ve had hints before that Jasnah’s life has not always been...entirely typical for a princess.

Her existence as a radiant was a hint itself, as it's implied most of them are ‘broken’ in some way.

The others are more obvious: Kaladin’s depression, Shallan’s PTSD, anxiety, and DID, Dalinar’s repressed memories, and alcoholism etc,etc.

With Jasnah, you know it has to be there, but it’s harder to see. To use Shallan’s metaphor, she’s like a cracked vase, but the cracked side has been turned to the wall, so the outside world sees only smooth perfection.

This flashback comment is the most obvious indication at what caused Jasnah to break. A fairly shocking one for a reader as 'Jasnah' and 'lunacy' seem to match as well as chasmfiends and tea parties.

It also provides some rather awful context for this segment a few chapters earlier:

“Something stirred deep within her. Glimmers of memory from a dark room, screaming her voice ragged. A childhood illness nobody else seemed to remember, for all it had done to her.

“It had taught her that people she loved could still hurt her.” (O, 47, So Much Is Lost)

We know, given Shallan’s research into Taln at the behest of the Ghostbloods, that the current treatment for madness involves confining the person in darkness.

It seems like far too much of a coincidence that Jasnah, diagnosed with lunacy, would have memories of screaming herself hoarse in a dark room that could somehow be unconnected to this.

Based on my shoddy maths, she was around 11 or 12 at this point, which is marked by many, especially Navani, as a turning point in her life. There was a profound change in how she acted with those around her following this.

“She wouldn’t let me be a mother to her, Dalinar,” Navani said, staring into the distance. “Do you know that? It was almost like . . . like once Jasnah climbed into adolescence, she no longer needed a mother. I would try to get close to her, and there was this coldness, like even being near me reminded her that she had once been a child. What happened to my little girl, so full of questions?” (WoR, 67, Spit and Bile)

It seems like too much of a coincidence, again, to assume that Jasnah’s childhood illness and her confinement had nothing to do with her reluctance to allow Navani to mother her any more.

Jasnah herself reflects that her imprisonment, for lack of a better word, taught her that people she loved could still hurt her. It seems very likely that this refers to Navani and Gavilar, as they would have allowed this treatment to continue. It’s also likely the reason for the change in their relationship afterwards.

Navani's presence didn't remind her she had been a child; it reminded her of what had been done to her.

Navani’s little girl was branded insane and locked away in a dark room with her parents' consent. This removed her ability to trust in Navani to mother and protect her. She kept her distance, she kept herself aloof and removed from everyone, and that’s something that hasn’t changed over twenty years later.

She takes no wards, an expected thing for a woman of her rank. She's unmarried, well past the age she should be. She has no friends, the closest she has are both "pen pals" she communicates with via spanreed.

Jasnah, of all the characters in Stormlight, is the one least emotionally connected. She clearly loves her family, and is devoted to them...But again it's from a distance.

She works in the shadows with assassins to protect them. She studies the end of the world a world away from everyone she loves.

When we see her in Kharbranth for the first time with Shallan, she’s alone.

The servants she uses seem to belong to the Palaneum. She travels alone, she researches and works and bears her burdens alone.

The sole exception is Ivory and she doesn't really have a choice with him BUT to have him with her.

I am NOT suggesting that Jasnah doesn’t actually care about her family/Shallan - we see repeatedly that she absolutely does.

Poignantly, the first thing Renarin’s visions predict that turns out to be false is the lack of love that Jasnah has - they claim she will choose logic and kill her cousin, but she chooses to save him instead.

It’s clear that Jasnah cares very deeply...but she also deliberately distances herself, both physically and emotionally, from other people.

(continued below)

Jasnah is so independent that it’s almost a flaw. She’s an interesting opposite to Kaladin, in this regard.

Kaladin defines himself so much by those around him, his family, his men, those under his care and protection, that that almost becomes a flaw in him. He destroys himself to protect them, and every failure wrecks him.

Jasnah keeps everyone away. She operates alone, in secret, and she clearly struggles to let people get close to her.

The reasons for this are twofold, I feel.

The first one is assassins: Jasnah has been ‘killed’ by one such assassination attempt, has survived another, who made multiple attempts on her life in the form of Kabsal, and has almost certainly experienced more beyond that.

Her casual expectation that Kabsal is trying to use Shallan to get close to her, likely, though she doesn’t say it, to kill her - which turns out to be true.

She knows firsthand how easy it is for someone with enough money and influence to place spies and assassins into a setting- she does it herself all the time. And it resulted in the death of her father.

In a lot of ways, she’s as paranoid about assassination as Elhokar is - she just expresses it in a far more subtle/rational way. Where Elhokar rants and panics, Jasnah blocks up air vents and rejects rooms in the 90000 foot, lost for centuries, tower with balconies because they're a security flaw.

The second reason for her emotional isolation, I believe, is what caused her initial withdrawal from Navani.

Being believed mad, locked in a dark room, screaming for help and being ignored, and knowing that your parents, the people whom you went to with questions and looked to for safety and protection are at least partially responsible, all at the age of eleven is...fairly damaging.

Jasnah hides the effects of her trauma far better than Kaladin or Shallan. This is probably partially because she’s older and has been dealing with it for longer.

By this point, her trauma reactions (which went, by her own admission, unaddressed by her family after what happened, which is traumatising in itself), have melded in with her personality/are brushed off as simply Jasnah being Jasnah.

“I know what people say of me. I should hope that I am not as harsh as some say, though a woman could have far worse than a reputation for sternness. It can serve one well.” (TWoK, 8, Nearer the Flame).

As a matter of fact, we know full well that Jasnah ISN’T as harsh or stern as she’s claimed to be. Shallan repeatedly affirms to Kabsal, and to a reader, that Jasnah is not what she expected - a stern, harsh mistress. She also notes that Jasnah believes herself to be one - likely due to everyone else perceiving her that way.

I think the perception of Jasnah is one that she’s cultivated deliberately - a stern, aloof, even harsh person. Not one anyone would want to be close to. Also not someone anyone would associate with weakness, or needing to be cared for or protected.

More than assassins, I think Jasnah fears people who love her with good intentions, and the ability to assert those good intentions upon her, because it's "for her own good".

When she was a child it led to her imprisonment, something which still triggers traumatic flashbacks over ten years later. She fears having people she loves hurt her. And so she keeps them away, and cultivates for herself a presence that doesn’t need to be cared for, that almost doesn’t need or want to be loved, so that can never happen again.

She rejects, most notably and strongly, her mother, and any implication of a husband. This has led to speculation about her sexuality - maybe she’s gay - though it seems fairly acceptable in Alethkar for a person to be gay (they don’t even have to fill out social reassignment forms!). I

It might be more frowned upon in noble society, due to the expectation of forming political marriages, and while I don’t necessarily doubt it (give me queer Jasnah, Brandon, I beg of you, I’m a starving lesbian and I need this) the only commentary we have from Jasnah on the subject sems to suggest a different, sadder, motive:

Jasnah relaxed visibly. “Yes, well, it did seem a workable solution. I had wondered, however, if you’d be offended.”

“Why on the winds would I be offended?”

“Because of the restriction of freedom implicit in a marriage,” Jasnah said. “And if not that, because the offer was made without consulting you.

[...]

“It doesn’t bother you at all?” Jasnah said. “The idea of being beholden to another, particularly a man?”

“It’s not like I’m being sold into slavery,” Shallan said with a laugh.

“No. I suppose not.” Jasnah shook herself, her poise returning.

(WoR, 1, Santhid).

This is the only time, after an entire book of content in which Jasnah, amongst other things: Soulcasts three men into oblivion, is almost assassinated repeatedly, is betrayed by the first person she’s taken in and trusted in a long time, and is researching the literal end of the world, that Shallan notes Jasnah looking nervous/uncomfortable in discussing anything.

And it’s about marriage.

Jasnah views marriage as being a ‘restriction of freedom’ and finds it distasteful because it encompasses the idea ‘of being beholden to another’.

Anything that even implicitly binds her to another or puts them in her power is something she wants nothing to do with. And, legally, if she were ever to be accused of lunacy again, the two people most likely to have the authority to make a decision on her treatment/send her back to the ardents would be either a parent, or a husband.

The first she’s distanced herself from in pretty much every way since the first event, and the second she’s refused to entertain for years, to the point that high society whispers that she must be gay.

I also think she's uncomfortable because she sees what she did here - setting up a betrothal, which she views as a restriction of freedom - for Shallan, without consulting her, as the same thing that was done to her as a child.

A restriction of freedom for Shallan’s own good. The same justification that was used to imprison her. It's obviously not the same, but Jasnah views marriage as a kind of imprisonment. So in her mind it is.

Jasnah also has huge trust issues. She just covers them with what appears to be personality traits - of being independent, and aloof - but that’s largely just a cover for her own insecurities, and her fear of ever having her freedoms restricted again.

This idea also gives a little bit more of a twist (or dramatic gut punch, thanks Brandon), to her advice to Shallan about perception and power:

“Power is an illusion of perception.”

Shallan frowned.

“Don’t mistake me,” Jasnah continued. “Some kinds of power are real—power to command armies, power to Soulcast. These come into play far less often than you would think. On an individual basis, in most interactions, this thing we call power—authority—exists only as it is perceived.

“You say I have wealth. This is true, but you have also seen that I do not often use it. You say I have authority as the sister of a king. I do. And yet, the men of this ship would treat me exactly the same way if I were a beggar who had convinced them I was the sister to a king. In that case, my authority is not a real thing. It is mere vapors—an illusion. I can create that illusion for them, as can you.” (WoR, 1, Santhid)

Jasnah is talking here with Shallan about being more confident, assertive, and being able to have people do what you want (Something Navani later notes Jasnah is very good at doing).

But I think Jasnah uses this same idea - the power of perception, as a defence mechanism against her trauma, a way to protect herself.

We dismiss her isolation as aloofness. We dismiss her lack of emotional reaction as a cornerstone of the "strong female character" trope. But I think it's deeper than that. Because Jasnah isn't ACTUALLY like that deep down. It's a perception she works very hard to achieve.

Jasnah uses logic in a similar way to how Shallan uses art and drawing, or how Kaladin uses training with the spear. It’s a distraction, a grounding technique, something she can calm herself with. It’s an anchor and a crutch all at the same time.

Jasnah is logical to a fault, to the point that it makes others see her as a monster lacking empathy. I don’t think, at any point in the last few books, we’ve seen Jasnah genuinely distressed/angry/displaying emotion to the point she’d be considered out of control.

Almost all the other POV characters have had moments of weakness/breakdowns/extremely poignant emotional displays. But not Jasnah. All we ever see from Jasnah is the controlled, cultivated perception that she wants us to see. Something which I think is rooted in her trauma.

Logic is the antithesis of lunacy. Rational thought is the direct counter to madness. If the whole world sees Jasnah as logical, utterly in control of herself, if that is the perception she has everyone believe at all times then she can’t be accused of madness again.

Madness, at least in Jasnah’s mind, is an outburst of excessive, uncontrolled emotion. It is the opposite of logic. It’s acting impulsively, without thought, based purely on emotions. Ivory supports this idea:

“Ivory, you think all humans are unstable.”

“Not you,” he said, lifting his chin. “You are like a spren. You think by facts. You change not on simple whims. You are as you are.”

She gave him a flat stare.

“Mostly,” he added. “Mostly. But it is, Jasnah. Compared to other humans, you are practically a stone!” (O, 39, Notes)

Even Ivory, who has been closer to Jasnah in recent years than anyone we know of in the series so far, characterises her this way.

She rejects this idea, telling Ivory that:

“You call me logical,” Jasnah whispered. “It’s untrue, as I let my passions rule me as much as many.” (O, 39, Notes) I think this is true, she does let her passions rule her, but she doesn’t let anyone, even Ivory, see that from her.

That's deliberate. She deliberately makes herself out to be this logic-driven robot, with no feeling or passion.

To the world, Jasnah Kholin is the consummate scholar, the eternally logical thinker, untouched by empathy or feeling. This is how she wants them to think of her.

We know that it’s not true. We know that Jasnah is driven by emotions - her guilt at feeling like she failed Gavilar, her fear for what’s coming for the world, her love for her family, her true passion for scholarship and knowledge.

This is particularly notable when set against a character who exemplifies the opposite in so many ways: Kaladin.

“Yes. The answer is obvious. We need to find the Heralds.”

Kaladin nodded in agreement.

“Then,” Jasnah added, “we need to kill them.”

“What?” Kaladin demanded. “Woman, are you insane?”

“The Stormfather laid it out,” Jasnah said, unperturbed. “The Heralds made a pact. When they died, their souls traveled to Damnation and trapped the spirits of the Voidbringers, preventing them from returning.”

“Yeah. Then the Heralds were tortured until they broke.”

“The Stormfather said their pact was weakened, but did not say it was destroyed,” Jasnah said. “I suggest that we at least see if one of them is willing to return to Damnation. Perhaps they can still prevent the spirits of the enemy from being reborn. It’s either that, or we completely exterminate the parshmen so that the enemy has no hosts.” She met Kaladin’s eyes. “In the face of such an atrocity, I would consider the sacrifice of one or more Heralds to be a small price.”

“Storms!” Kaladin said, standing up straight. “Have you no sympathy?”

“I have plenty, bridgeman. Fortunately, I temper it with logic.” (O, 39, Notes)

Ah, the old ‘punt the Heralds back to Damnation to buy us time’ argument. Lovely.

Jasnah and Kaladin are at two different ends of the sympathy-logic spectrum and it was kind of inevitable they’d clash. But I think it makes Jasnah’s assertions more...Stark and shocking, when she pitches them to Kaladin.

What she suggests IS logical. And it’s actually the same sort of logic that led the Heralds themselves to abandon Taln to Damnation in the first place: “better that one man should suffer than ten.”

It’s a cold, harsh, brutal logic, and it’s very typical of how Jasnah likes to present herself when she’s speaking to others.

The killing of the footpads in Kharbranth is another prime example - it’s all cold, dissected logic when she reasons through it with Shallan afterwards. (Though I imagine if we saw Jasnah’s POV of it in the moment, it would be very different than what she presents).

Because what I find most interesting about the Heralds argument is that we get Jasnah, just Jasnah, away from anyone who has to view her performance of perception, reflecting on the situation. And her internal thoughts/her private reactions are very different from those she displays in public.

“These words trouble you,” he said, stepping up to her again and resting his jet-black fingers on the paper. “Why? You have read many troubling things.”

[...]

Something stirred deep within her. Glimmers of memory from a dark room, screaming her voice ragged. A childhood illness nobody else seemed to remember, for all it had done to her.

It had taught her that people she loved could still hurt her.

“Have you ever wondered how it would feel to lose your sanity, Ivory?”

Ivory nodded. “I have wondered this. How could I not? Considering what the ancient fathers are.”

“You call me logical,” Jasnah whispered. “It’s untrue, as I let my passions rule me as much as many. In my times of peace, however, my mind has always been the one thing I could rely upon.”

Except once.

She shook her head, picking up the paper again. “I fear losing that, Ivory. It terrifies me. How would it have felt, to be these Heralds? To suffer your mind slowly becoming untrustworthy? Are they too far gone to know? Or are there lucid moments, where they strain and sort through memories … trying frantically to decide which are reliable and which are fabrications…”

She shivered. (O, 39, Notes).

In an ironic (fuck you Brandon) twist: I think Jasnah knows EXACTLY what she’s suggesting they do to the Heralds. She’s also probably the person in that room who has the most experience with/has contemplated most what they would be condemning them to, and who therefore empathises with them the most.

It’s STRONGLY implied in this passage that Jasnah has experienced some sort of hallucinations in the past. Possibly this is connected to some kind of neurodivergence. I think this more likely than the alternative - that she was seeing into Shadesmar, because I believe that her imprisonment was what caused her to ‘break’ and enabled her to form her spren bond in the first place. But it’s possible.

Regardless of what’s happened in the past, now, Jasnah’s mind is her sanctuary. If she only ever knows one thing it’s her own mind. She’s a rationalist. She puts her faith in things that she can know intuitively, via logic, like maths - things that exist independently of god, that cannot be doubted. Their truth is tied to their very existence. All that's required to know it is to know her own mind and reason. Losing that is quite literally the worst thing she can think of.

And honestly? Taln’s story probably really fucks with her. Because what he went through is what she went through, too, as a child.

Taln was dismissed as a madman, because no one believed what he said, even though it was true. Truth doesn’t matter; not when it comes to being perceived mad. Nor does being right. Taln was telling the truth. Taln was right. Taln was a goddamn Herald. And they still decided he was mad and locked him away in a dark room, alone, the same way they did to her.

Jasnah knows what that feels like. Jasnah empathises with Taln and the other Heralds more than probably anyone else. But she speaks of condemning these people to that fate, to the greatest hell she can think of, calmly, and rationally. But that’s absolutely not what she really feels/thinks. There is...Such a stark difference, when you really sit and think about it, in the Jasnah that she lets everyone see, and the Jasnah that exists only behind closed doors.

She could see Jasnah’s face, hand against her temple, staring at the pages spread before her. Jasnah’s eyes were haunted, her expression haggard.

This was not the Jasnah that Shallan was accustomed to seeing. The confidence had been overwhelmed by exhaustion, the poise replaced by worry. Jasnah started to write something, but stopped after just a few words. She set down the pen, closing her eyes and massaging her temples. A few dizzy-looking spren, like jets of dust rising into the air, appeared around Jasnah’s head. Exhaustionspren.

Shallan pulled back, suddenly feeling as if she’d intruded upon an intimate moment. Jasnah with her defenses down. (WoR, 6, Terrible Destruction).

The text itself characterises Jasnah’s mask as a defence. A defence against being known, a defence against being seen as anything other than perfectly logical. Having this mask so firmly and so constantly in place is a lot of work. It’s almost a compulsion for her at this point - the refusal to let anyone else in, the strict adherence to logic, regardless of her own feelings or how it makes others see her. Better to be emotionless and in control, utterly, unquestionably sane and rational, than to ever go back to being considered mad.

This, ironically, isn't rational behaviour. It's a trauma response. I'm stating this, the idea that being emotionless/always rational prevents anyone viewing her as insane again (though, again ironically, this is exactly what Kaladin accuses her of being (OUCH)). But I think these are facts in Jasnah's mind? It's her coping mechanism. It's a really bad one. But that's what it is.

As an interesting side note - I think the only time we ever see Jasnah draw emotion spren is when she’s on her own (or assumes she’s on her own, as in this passage, or too exhausted to keep them away entirely - like the single fearspren she draws later in this chapter).

This feels notable because every other character who features in the books, even minor side characters, draws emotion spren of one sort or another at some point in the text.

Jasnah, for all that she’s on screen, draws very little. This may be a function of her ability to tap into Shadesmar, to keep them away, remove any trace of emotion spren from spawning around her. That or she just has such a tight hold on her emotions that she doesn’t draw them.

Either way, I think it’s (another) sign that her behaviour isn’t entirely natural. Spren are everywhere on Roshar, you draw them when you feel a powerful emotion - that’s a natural day-to-day occurrence there.

Unless you’re Jasnah.

Maybe that’s straying a little too far into the realms of what’s reasonable, but I do still think that Jasnah’s output, especially when it contrasts, often very strongly, with her internal feelings, is a coping mechanism/a response to the trauma she endured as a child.

Madness is a fairly strong theme in Stormlight, a few of the characters discuss it/experience it. Syl asks Kaladin fairly directly what it is:

“What is madness?” she asked, sitting with one leg up against her chest, vaporous skirt flickering around her calves and vanishing into mist.

“It’s when men don’t think right,” Kaladin said, glad for the conversation to distract him.

“Men never seem to think right.”

“Madness is worse than normal,” Kaladin said with a smile. “It really just depends on the people around you. How different are you from them? The person that stands out is mad, I guess.” *(TWOK)

Dalinar’s TWOK arc deals very strongly with madness and the ability to trust your own mind. Taln is, as has been noted, locked away for being mad. Several of the Heralds and the Fused are described as mad after what they've been put through. It's something I expect to be explored further as the series progresses.

Jasnah, I think, is the character who tries so hard never to seem that way. Never to be unhinged, or unbalanced, or affected by what's happened to her. But of course we know that she is.

I think, though, that it’s easy to write off Jasnah's trauma. The other characters all have flaws that are very obvious/things that make them obviously ‘broken’ in terms of their spren bond and the oaths they need to speak.

Kaladin suffers from depression, and from crippling guilt, and taking on too much responsibility. But also with his anger, and his hatred towards those who have wronged him, and how that can push him to blame them/avoid responsibility for what’s happened to him. Basically, his inability to let go or move forwards.

Shallan has the opposite problem, and an inability to look back/face the past. She repressed memories of trauma, and wove lies over them to protect herself, which she had to overcome to progress.

Dalinar had his alcoholism, and prior to that, his ‘addiction’ (which I think is absolutely how it’s written/the parallels are pretty obvious) to The Thrill. He had to accept responsibility, and guilt, and grief, and pain. He had to acknowledge that he had been a bad person, who was not worthy of Evi, but also that he’s capable of change, and improving himself, and becoming a better man.

Their trauma responses are loud, and obvious, and messy. They're aware of them, a reader is aware of them, the other characters are aware of them. "They stand out" if you like.

Jasnah does everything she can to ensure the effects of her trauma never stand out. To the point that other characters fairly consistently characterise Jasnah as perfect/an ideal woman.

I’m NOT saying that the text ACTUALLY presents Jasnah as being perfect/without any flaws (that’s...that’s kinda the point of this entire meta) but the characters gloss over these things/her flaws are perceived as good things?

She’s seen as so aloof, so unflappable, so commanding, and in control. She’s highly intelligent, she’s beautiful, she’s a cunning tactician and politician. Shallan claims that she’s almost always right, which Renarin backs up. Dalinar trusts and respects her, and wants her back at the war camps to aid them. She’s a highly revered scholar, respected, and brilliant. She is, in a way, almost beyond human, let alone being flawed or broken like the rest of them.

Jasnah grimaced at the thought. Shallan was always surprised to see visible emotion from her. Emotion was something relatable, something human—and Shallan’s mental image of Jasnah Kholin was of someone almost divine. (WoR, 1, Santhid).

Shallan reflects that seeing her as divine is a weird way to consider a heretic, and we’re kind of led along into that thread. But it’s also very...Othering?

It’s a “positive” kind of othering: she’s divine/superhuman, that’s great! Only it’s...It’s not? It’s so easy to see Jasnah as beyond human, and that makes us forget what she’s endured, and ignore the walls she’s put up and the profound effect that it’s had on her. And the fact that this is not healthy at all.

It's so unhealthy to be put on a pedestal this way. And it's unhealthy to cultivate a persona that makes the only response to you one that sees you as beyond human/without typical human reactions and emotions?

Shallan can be a bit whimsical and can romanticise/idealise people, but even Navani, another deeply scholarly, rational, and logical thinker, categorises Jasnah in a similar way.

She’s dismissive of the idea that Jasnah can have died. Even when others (like Adolin) start getting worried about the ship’s delay, Navani is sure that Jasnah is fine.

Part of this is, I assume, due to the fact that Jasnah is a radiant and, as the Diagram predicts, they survive when they should have been killed - so Navani has had this idea reinforced with empirical evidence over the years, which is noted in the text.

However, when Shallan first brings her the news of Jasnah’s death she refuses to believe it. Even after Shallan tells Navani she watched Jasnah stabbed through the heart, Navani still refers to her as being ‘unconscious’ (which...is actually correct, in this instance) but that is besides my point: regardless of reason or logic, people presume that Jasnah is beyond such mortal, trivial, human things like death:

‘Though Jasnah had been away for some time, her loss was unexpected. I, like many, assumed her to be immortal.’

If she’s beyond death, she’s certainly beyond something like trauma, or being broken, or damaged.

“You’re still human,” Shallan said, reaching across, putting her hand on Navani’s knee. “We can’t all be emotionless chunks of rock like Jasnah.”

Navani smiled. “She sometimes had the empathy of a corpse, didn’t she?”

“Comes from being too brilliant,” Shallan said. “You grow accustomed to everyone else being something of an idiot, trying to keep up with you.”

[...]

How surreal it was to imagine Jasnah as a child being held by a mother. (Wor, 77, Trust).

More ‘othering’, less positive than the divine, but it clearly categorises Jasnah as something other than human, and in this case, it fixates on her lack of (perceived) emotion.

Jasnah has so defined herself by her lack of emotional response to things that even those closest to her -her ward and her mother - view her as emotionless, like a rock, a corpse, dead. Ivory also says this in a previous quote “you are like spren” / “you are practically a stone.” Jasnah is categorised as strong, invulnerable to emotion, beyond human, something other.

Though Jasnah, as she herself admits, makes decisions based on emotion.

For all that she says about pursuing the footpads in Kharbranth as purely an act of logic/civic duty, I think you can sense the emotion in that moment.

“Besides, men like those…” There was something in her voice, an edge Shallan had never heard before.

What was done to you? Shallan wondered with horror. And who did it? (TWOK, 36, The Lesson)

Shallan can sense it. This is the point where Jasnah’s mask is at its most strong. She defends, calmly and rationally, what she had done. But I think at this point Shallan, and the reader, gets the sense that when Jasnah is her MOST logical and composed, she’s also her most vulnerable and emotional.

She does the same thing in the scene with Kaldin discussing the fates of the Heralds - yet we actually see later, not just through Shallan, the emotions, and the turmoil, and the direct, traumatic flashbacks Jasnah is experiencing in that moment. All covered up with logic and reason.

I think what Brandon is doing with Jasnah is really clever. Because I think media has conditioned us to accept these cold, aloof characters.

Characters who have become hardened to the world, and numbed by their experiences with violence and trauma. So we accept these things more readily as personality traits/a symptom of modern media.

I think especially with female characters. The "strong female character" who isn't allowed to cry lest she be called hysterical, who can't react to trauma or she's weak, who can't have an outburst of emotion or she's mad.

With Jasnah, I think Brandon is continuing to show how trauma expresses itself differently in different people. And I think, once explored more directly, Jasnah will become a condemnation of the easy acceptance/idealisation of these kinds of traits. What she’s doing is not okay. It’s not healthy. It’s as self-destructive as what Shallan, or Kaladin, or Dalinar was doing, we've just been conditioned to accept and even praise it.

Jasnah has so much pressure piled upon her to be perfect. She’s made an illusion so believable even those closest to her can’t see through it. She comes across as divine, as something other than human, as emotionless, and absolute. She’s become a constant in the world of those around her. She’s a law of nature more than a person - like a spren.

Except she’s not.

She’s human.

And she’s broken.

And she’s suffering a trauma that makes her afraid to be even a little bit human - because then they might think her mad again, and she’ll lose everything, and she can’t handle that.

I’m FASCINATED to see Jasnah’s interactions (if we get any on-screen) with Taln and Ash. It will probably give a big insight into her character, her relation to madness/her past illness, and I think it will bring out an interesting side of her, which I’m curious to see.

But I'm also really interested to see how Brandon explores the idea of the "ideal traumatised woman' and how that's absolutely bullshit and completely unhealthy.

Jasnah is, on the surface, everything men demand from a "strong female character". She's been exposed to trauma but she doesn't "let it define her" (ie she doesn't seemingly react to it at all). She's beautiful, and she's intelligent, she's a (literal) Queen, she's a fighter/skilled warrior, she's never "overly-emotional" - she reacts to trauma exactly as she's "supposed" to - as defined by men, she's the epitome of a stereotypical "strong female character".

Except there are obvious flaws in that ideal. The first one being: she does not exist for men. Fairly obviously. She point blank refuses a husband.

Also: it's been implied, as per this meta, that this is NOT an ideal anyone should aim for. It's actually very unhealthy and self-destructive and I really, REALLY hope that when Brandon finally digs into Jasnah that this is something he explores.

Jasnah is not perfect. She is not unbreakable, and invincible, and beyond emotion. And she shouldn't be. She shouldn't be idealised.

She's a person. A human being. And she should be able to express herself and process her trauma in a healthy way that allows her to heal and grow. She shouldn't be forced into anyone's ideal of who or what she should be.

I'm just...Really really excited for Jasnah's arc and what Brandon can say through her and the harmful tropes regarding women's trauma he can explore and god...can I just have the next six stormlight books now please?

#Jasnah Kholin #brandon sanderson #the stormlight archive #the way of kings #words of radiance #oathbringer #shallan davar #kaladin stormblessed #dalinar kholin #navani kholin #wheee everyone gets mentioned #i hope this makes some kind of sense??#like it does to me but who tf knows how it comes across to y'all #i considered cutting this up into smaller chunks #but that's just not true to the taryn experience #you get an avalanche of content or radio silence for 3 months #i cannot do a balance #jasnah just fascinates me so much #and in terms of meta/character analysis she's distinctly lacking and it bugs me #i want to do a parallels meta with jasnah and kal too bc i think that would be Interesting #and i think Kal's flaws would be cool to dig into via the lens of Jasnah's perspective/contrast #but we shall see #stormlight meta #my meta #taryn writes meta #taryn writes #text post tag #long post #some day someone on roshar will get therapy and deal with their trauma in a healthy way #today is not that day

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ryukyuan-sunflower · 3 years

Text

Response to the Moral Question of the MugenxFuu Romance

This is a full response to an anonymous ask I received:

“Can I ask why you ship fuugen? Isn’t Fuu a minor and Mugen is 19.”

This is a rather...complex and loaded question. There’s multiple things to address but I’ll start simple and work up from there. I will first go into my personal feelings on why I ship the pairing, evidence, and then the more complicated concept of the character’s ages both in reality, as well as in the fictional anime. Hopefully it will alleviate some distress on the issue. If it doesn’t, and you consider the age gap morally unacceptable, then it might unfortunately serve to make Mugen out to be a morally questionable character, implied romance aside.

The Simple Question: Why do I ship it?

I ship Mugen x Fuu because it’s implied canon by the creators.

I believe strongly, and have found and provided plenty of evidence in my numerous other posts that support my belief, that Mugen and Fuu were written to have romantic feelings for one another. These feelings were never addressed, acted upon, nor explicitly spelled out for viewers. But the subtle implications of their unsaid feelings added up, episode by episode. The interviews of Shinichiro Watanabe, Ayako Kawasumi and Ginpei Sato only solidify my interpretations and findings.

The actual anime aside, here are the links to my posts concerning the interviews, if you are interested.

-Shinichiro Watanabe about Mugen’s Character.

-Ayako Kawasumi and Ginpei Sato about Fuu’s Feelings for Mugen in the Roman Album.

I adore the entire cast of Samurai Champloo, as much as by themselves as I do as a trio. I love Jin just as much as Mugen and Fuu. However, I do not see any implication of Jin having romantic feelings with either of them. His romance is canonically with Shino and his role for Fuu feels more brotherly and fatherly to me.

Personally, I am not a “crack shipper”. I am not someone who typically likes two characters and pairs them off together for my own amusement. I have nothing against crack pairings, nor their shippers, but it is not my taste. I enjoy romances that have some type of evidence or backing behind it. So it is not as if I simply ship Mugen and Fuu because I like Mugen more than Jin.

If hypothetically, all the things that happened with Mugen and Fuu happened with Jin and Fuu—if Jin saved her constantly, if Jin and Fuu had strange, intimate moments like the wrist grab scene, if Fuu jumped in the way to save Jin’s life, if Fuu cried for Jin seven times, if Fuu’s voice brought Jin back from death, if Jin gave up his sword for Fuu—well, I would not be a fan of the Mugen and Fuu ship. I’d be a fan of Jin and Fuu.

But that is simply not how the anime was written.

On that same note of liking an implied romance, I am not as interested in blatant romance stories either. Implied, subtle romance is so interesting because it leaves enough clues that one has to find themselves, and then you are able to make your own interpretations and “what if” scenarios surrounding it. This is why I enjoy the story types of, say, the Souls video game series and its related titles. (Demon’s Souls, Dark Souls, Bloodborne, Sekiro). The story lines have to be figured out, and while there is evidence and clues dropped all over, nothing is ever specifically stated. But even so, we can come to solid conclusions that are difficult to disprove, but also never fully confirmed.

Samurai Champloo spells out very little for viewers. Example: Never does the anime state what island Mugen is from. We only know it’s in the Ryukyus. But based on historical evidence, and also symbolism in the show (the paantu and the trees in his flashback) we can assume it’s Tarama-shima or another island in Miyako.

Never do Mugen and Fuu state they have feelings for one another, but it’s in subtle dialogue, numerous times. Most blatant however, is when Sara tells Mugen “It’s as if you’ve never been loved by anyone.” and then Fuu proves her wrong by saving his life by throwing her own in the way, only seconds later.

Their actions fascinate me. Both Mugen and Fuu demonstrate self sacrificial behavior for each other, and show how much they care with actions rather than words. Most of all, I enjoy the romantic trope of “love leads to a character’s redemption.” Mugen’s feelings for Fuu is what redeems him from the sins of his past, and saves him from a life without meaning and only pain, anger and hatred. These aspects of his dark character are highlighted both by the dialogue of Mukuro in Episode 13 and Sara in Episode 21. Fuu being his redemption is also symbolized in her saving him on three separate occasions. The last incident, when she calls him back from death and the Paantu taking him away, is the most symbolic of his “redemption”.

Samurai Champloo is a direct response to the cynicism of Watanabe’s previous work, Cowboy Bebop. Where revenge and the past consumes Spike, ruining his future and love, Mugen is redeemed by love and is able to face his past and press on.

Here is a fantastic article about the concept of Mugen’s love for Fuu being his redemption and also being a direct response to Cowboy Bebop.

All of this aside, because of the second comment, I’m assuming that this isn’t necessarily what you were asking.

“Isn’t Fuu a minor and Mugen is 19?”

I’m guessing you’re implying that either the romantic pairing is impossible due to their age gap, or it’s morally wrong.

I was conflicted how to answer this, at first. I know this can be a triggering topic. So I decided on providing several explanations. I hope at least one answers the question properly, or at least sheds some light on the issue.

Either it will justify why there is nothing morally reprehensible about the Mugen x Fuu romance, or, it will unfortunately show that Mugen is morally questionable, depending on how the evidence is taken.

First, at 15, Fuu is not a minor in her time period. Second, Mugen is either 19 or 20 depending on the source.

Samurai Champloo is not set in one specific year of history, as the anime is not only anachronistic, it historically takes place in multiple years that could not coincide. In essence, Samurai Champloo is not one year, but “a chanpuru of one whole era.” This era is the Edo/Tokugawa era, which includes the years of 1603-1868.

In the Tokugawa Era, Fuu is considered an adult. She is a young adult, yes, but in the eyes of everyone, she is an adult. This is both historically accurate, and is also demonstrated numerous times in the anime. Fuu’s sexualization and her being seen in a romantic way is never frowned upon by any of the characters in the entire series.

Brief disclaimer: Nowhere in my love of the Fuugen pairing or fan interpretations of the characters’ futures, do I see any sort of sexual relationship between Mugen and Fuu developing when she is 15. After they part ways, is where I like to make my fan conclusions on them meeting again when she’s older.

I also want to clarify here and now, that I’m not a supporter of a 15 year old entering a romantic relationship of any kind, let alone a sexual one in real life. I think that teens should work on themselves and not get swept away by romance and sexuality, especially frivolously. It’s irresponsible and dangerous. But, it’s also unrealistic to believe all young people will never fall in love, whether it’s fake or real. If there happened to be a man who was 5 years older than a girl and the two did develop feelings for each other, I believe nothing should be pursued between them until they are both of age.

Adulthood in the Tokugawa Era

I want to first talk about the concept of Fuu being a minor. In short, she is not a minor in her time period.

To begin with reality first, the life expectancy hundreds of years ago was much lower than now. In Japan now, the average life expectancy is in the 80s. But hundreds of years ago, it was estimated to be about 50. Women in particular had the complication of fatality from childbirth. Led makeup, childbirth, and also STDs were a huge threat for courtesans of the time period as well. Many women died in their twenties.

As for the concept of ”adulthood”, the adult age of 18 only started in the Meiji Restoration (late 1800s- early 1900s) when Japan contacted the west and emulated its practices. The age of 18 being an adult nowadays is largely based on the setup of the education system. Whether 18 is too young or too old is a matter up for debate and varies country to country.

Specifically, in the Tokugawa Era, the age of adulthood was considered when one entered puberty. This was generally 15 for a male and 12 for a female.

Here is a link to the full article on the topic of the shifting coming of age, if you are interested.

In the case of aristocratic children, such as boys raised as samurai, the Genpuku ceremony that transitioned children to adults varied in age. During the early Tokugawa era, it was 15-17, while later into the Tokugawa era, during less civil unrest, the age dropped to as low as 13. At this age, these young men could then marry and were likely pressured to do so. Marriages in the Tokugawa Era were very different than nowadays as well. Many nobles and royalty had their daughters married off at young ages such as 8 years old.Though, the sexual nature of these relationships did not develop until the girl was likely of child bearing age, which was in the teens.

Taking the historical 12 year old age into account, Fuu being 15, is then already three years into adulthood.

Fuu’s Depiction as a Woman in the Anime

In regards to Fuu’s maturity, she has no guardian, nor caretaker, which shows she is an independent adult making her own decisions. Yes, Mugen and Jin are her bodyguards, but they are not her legal guardians, because she does not need one. It is her who commands them and leads them. After they part ways, she is fifteen years old (perhaps a year older based on the time span of the anime) traveling the country alone.

She was forced to grow up very fast. Not only is she an orphan, but Fuu’s resourcefulness allows her to survive on her own. She tricks two complete strangers to escort her across Japan. But Fuu is fully functional as an adult, arguably more than Mugen or Jin in some ways. She works, fishes, cooks, sews, tends to wounds etc. Fuu is by no means innocent to mature situations either. She’s seen Mugen and Jin kill numerous people in front of her, which is traumatizing in itself.

In regards to Fuu’s sexualization,on separate occasions, there are bath scenes in the anime, showing Fuu partially nude. There are also scenes of her undressing. Morally correct or not, it is clear she was sexualized like many young anime females.

Aside from that, here are examples of male characters viewing Fuu as an adult woman, romantically or sexually.

Episode 3 and 4: Fuu is thrown in a brothel. While the legality of her being forced against her will just for the sake of paying off a debt is somewhat in question, the fact that she is 15 in a brothel is not. Brothels were not an undercover organization. It was completely legal in Tokugawa Japan, and Fuu being 15 as a courtesan was not illegal. When an ugly rodent man buys her, it’s served as comedy.

Episode 5: Fuu becomes a ukiyo-e model, the backwards beauty, for Moronobu Hishikawa, who was a real historical figure. This grown man, probably around Jin and Mugen’s age or maybe older, also is not considered a creep for his attraction to her. In fact, it’s not even considered wrong that he paints a nude picture of a 15 year old. Again, because she’s deemed a woman in this time period.

Episode 8: Nagamitsu, who is leagues older than Mugen and Jin, asks Fuu to become the “harem of his heart”. He is attracted to her, sees her as a younger version of his wife when he first met her, and even asks her on a date, to which she accepts. This entire interaction is played off as comedy, and not that he’s some creepy grown man attracted to a minor. More like, he’s a bumbling buffoon. His two sidekicks, the beatboxer and Ogura do not intervene, nor make a comment that it’s wrong he is interested in a 15 year old when he’s in thirties or forties. Because quite simply, in this time period, it’s not wrong.

Episode 16: Okuru tells Fuu that “a woman with a healthy appetite is a good woman” when she is devouring fish.

If you stand firm that it is still morally wrong and all these characters were creeps for being interested or saying these words to a 15 year old, that is fine. If you think it is morally wrong to ship Mugen and Fuu because of the age gap, and refuse to believe that the two are an implied romance, that is fine too. I can’t convince everyone.

However, I will make the counter argument then, that liking Mugen as a character means liking a morally questionable character. Romance and feelings aside, the reason for this is simply how he treats and talks to Fuu.

Mugen’s Questionable Dialogue to Fuu

If shipping them is wrong, then what Mugen directly says and does to Fuu is just as wrong. In my opinion, it makes it weirder if he doesn’t develop feelings for her.

Episode 2: In the original Japanese dub, Mugen tells an unconscious, intoxicated Fuu that he’s going to rape her. “Okasu kureru” is the dialogue.

The English changes this to “Let’s strip her and dump her.”

Episode 11: When Fuu asks why Jin needs to go see a woman when she’s around, Mugen then responds “Because you’re flat chested”, not to be confused with “You’re a child.” When she says her kimono makes her look slender, Mugen calls her a liar and then says “Show me.” He asks Fuu to undress for him and show him her breasts...

Episode 20: Mugen stands up naked for Fuu in the hot spring even though she’s clearly flustered. Exposing oneself to a minor is an offense in the modern era. But he doesn’t stop there. He berates her, and then peeks his head out to look at her naked too.

All of these examples are meant as fluff and comedy too, no matter how offensive they can be. It also implies his attraction, interest and his consideration that she is indeed a woman. This is then furthered in his dialogue with Jin.

Episode 12: When they read Fuu’s diary, Mugen asks the odd question to Jin. “Man to man, what do you think of her?” This “man to man”, implies Mugen wants to know how Jin feels about Fuu as a woman.

As for a debatable canon example, I have the need to bring up the Samurai Champloo: Sidetracked video game on PS2. In Japanese, it is entirely voiced by the same cast as the anime: Kazuya Nakai, Ayako Kawasumi and Ginpei Sato. In English, Mugen is not Steve Blum, but Fuu and Jin are the same voice actors as the anime: Kari Whelgren and Kirk Thornton.

In it, Mugen develops an attraction to a girl who looks nearly identical to Fuu: brown hair in a ponytail, big brown eyes, pink kimono, three hairpin beads. The kicker is her name is Yuu. The even bigger kicker is that she is younger than Fuu.

Here are the links to the scenes. Japanese audio is much better, as a warning.

Link to English, Fuu catches them alone and tells Jin “I had no idea Mugen was a cradle robber!”

Link to Japanese: Fuu calls Mugen a “lolicon”.

When the girl asks “Do you like me? You can lie if you want.” he tells her:

Link to Japanese: “Suki da. Uso jane.”

Link to English: “I like you. I ain’t lyin’.”

And the two share a kiss, before she dies. Worth mentioning, Fuu also admits to being jealous about all this and a fortune teller tells Fuu that this is her “heart talking.”

While debatable canon, the video game still highlights this concept that Mugen will even like a girl younger than Fuu (anywhere from 12-14), so long as she resembles Fuu.

If we pretend for a moment that Fuu is indeed a minor in her time period, then that makes Mugen’s actions and comments out to be even worse. Not only is he a pervert, but he’s then a pervert flirting and making sexual comments about a ”minor”.

Underaged Girls and Age Gaps in Other Japanese Romances

If you still believe that there is something morally wrong, regardless of the time period it takes place in, I have more modern examples in media.

Modern Japanese shoujo manga and anime (shoujo being a genre directed at teenage girls) is rife with romance stories of older guys with younger girls. It’s not frowned upon in Japan, and even for its readers in the west.

I will give you some major examples I can think of, off the top of my head.

Inuyasha: Inuyasha and Kagome. Inuyasha is over 150 years old (not counting the other 50 years he was comatose). Yes, he ages slower as a half demon, but that is still 150 years of experience in life. Kagome meanwhile, is 15 years old and does not come from the Sengoku era. She’s from the modern era. If one wants to argue that Inuyasha doesn't count because every decade for him is one year, meaning he’s supposed to be “15 in human years”, then there is the matter of Miroku. Miroku is 18 years old, and fondles not only Kagome who is 15, but Sango who is 16. And he and Sango later become a romance.

Shugo Chara: Ikuto and Amu have an age gap of 17 and 12. While there is a love triangle element, it is debatable that Ikuto is more her true love interest in the manga. This takes place in the modern era.

Dengeki Daisy: Kurosaki and Teru have an age gap of 24 and 16. This also takes place in the modern era.

Incidentally, all of these aforementioned romances share some parallels to Mugen and Fuu in some way. Whether the guy is argumentative with the girl, a homeless wanderer, antagonist by nature, teasing about her lack of a figure, a bodyguard/protector role etc.

These are just a few of the more pure Shoujo examples directed at young girls.This does not include age gaps between characters, or underaged girls in anime meant for men or adults in general. They can get far more morally questionable, in my honest opinion. Mugen and Fuu barely scratches a surface. There is clearly a cultural gap between Asia and the West and the concept of age gaps, regardless of one’s personal moral stance on the subject.

Mugen and Fuu’s Actual Age Gap and Maturity

In the Tokugawa Era, their age gap of 4 to 5 years is incredibly small. Even nowadays, that age gap is very small, if Fuu was a legal adult in modern times.

Tsuru-himegimi, the real daughter of Shogun Tsunayoshi was 8 years old when she was married to her husband Tsunanori of Kii, who was 12 years her senior.

As for the anime’s depiction of them, there was never a sense of “Fuu is child. Mugen is a man”. It always felt like the two were in a similar age bracket.

I must ask the question, if Fuu or Mugen’s ages was never revealed, would it change the context of the story at all? If Fuu was older, would it change it? Personally, I don’t think so. In this case, because she is both physically developed and also deemed a woman in the anime and historically, it changes nothing.

Their interactions, their bickering, their attitudes, and the way Mugen yells at her, and the way Fuu reprimands him, it always felt like they were similar. They both exhibited many immature, innocent qualities, as well as adult qualities. It was Jin who had a more mature demeanor, being the calm, responsible one, who would rather not intervene with their nonsense. This is another reason why I see Jin as a father figure to Fuu: a representation of the samurai who smells of sunflowers that she did not have growing up.

These images here show their similarities in behavior quite well. And there are many more examples.

Conclusion

A good, well developed character is not a perfect one. There is no denying Mugen is flawed, morally questionable and sometimes straight out an antagonist. He steals, he kills, he was an ex-pirate who likely raided and pillaged… Realistically, he would have no qualms about being attracted or developing feelings for a woman who is 4 or 5 years his junior, let alone the other crazy stuff he’s done. Especially when, in their time period, there is nothing wrong about it at all.

Regardless if his morality is in question or not, what makes the implied romance so interesting is the fact that he didn’t act upon anything sexually with Fuu. His actions towards her were selfless, and Mugen developed greatly by the end. But because of his actions and words,and jealousy, it does not come off as simply a sibling or familial relationship that the two have. This differs from how Jin and Fuu interact.

Most importantly, Fuu serves as the catalyst for Mugen’s growth and redemption of his sins. Unlike Jin, Mugen saves Fuu time and and time again, making him her hero, despite being seemingly an ex-criminal that only works in self interest. Jin did not require this change, as he was always an honorable samurai from the start.

Both men found purpose for different reasons.

Mugen needed love.

Jin needed duty.

I think that covers everything. Well, unless your question is simply why do I ship them when the characters are young and I’m older than them.

As of the time of making this post, I am a 23 years old woman. The first time I ever set eyes on the anime, I was 8 or 9 years old. As a kid, I had my first innocent, childlike suspicion of a romance between them when Mugen first went to save Fuu from the “bad place”, being the brothel in episode 4 without any reason to, while Jin didn’t. Also, he saved her in Ep 1 and 2 and Jin didn’t.

The first time I got to watch the whole anime, I was 13 and saw the full story play out. And at that point, I was more convinced. Over the years, I rewatched, looked into a lot of the history and symbolism used in the anime, analyzed the episodes, and I became more convinced. I shipped it when I was Fuu’s age of 15. I shipped it when I was Mugen’s age of 19/20. And, I will likely continue to cherish the beautiful story of Samurai Champloo and the implied subtle romance of Mugen and Fuu for years to come.

Perhaps it is a reminder of the purity and innocent nature of love for me. These two did more for each other, cared more for each other, and were more entertaining with each other than so many cliche, blatant romance stories.

#samurai champloo #fuugen #mugen and fuu #Mugen Samurai Champloo #fuu samurai champloo #shinichiro watanabe

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createandconstruct · 3 years

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ffix? 👀👉👈

Bless you, my friend. Bless you.

the character i least understand

Gotta be Quan, Vivi's Grandpa. He is the most puzzling character to me. There's evidence that he cared for Vivi but that he also, for a good amount of time, was planning on eating the kid. There's also the entire special scene between him, Vivi, and Quale, and like, I have gotten dizzy interpreting the dialogue. How did he die? Did he die starving? From imagining food and not actually eating? He's a chef that believes the only way to experience food is by not eating it but byimagining it?? Is this some kind of Socrates message on how deeper thinking and metacognition leads to truly being alive?? I don't know???????!!!!

interactions i enjoyed the most

There are seriously so many but if I had to choose just one it has to be Steiner and Zidane. I love them So. Much. Their development into trusted comrades is one of my favorite relationships in the entire game and one of my favorite's in fiction in general. It's my favorite thing period. I'll say it. And there is not enough content of them. People won't give me Steiner and Zidane friendship and shenanigans? Fine. I'll do it myself. I'll write for them until I'm dead. Steiner really started the game promising Garnet he'd give his life for her and that he would see to it that Zidane was HUNG for his "crimes," and then ends the game telling Zidane he'd march into HELL with him (Japanese translation). He never even said that to GARNET. Their friendship is so slept on. SO slept on and its one of the most compelling. HELL, people. He'd go to HELL for Zidane. He'd DIE for him. A THEIF HE SCORNED. STEINER would gladly go to the GALLOWS with and for Zidane. I can't... I... I gotta go. Gotta lie down.

the character who scares me the most

Does the Iifa Tree count? If I say Soul Cage maybe that will. The living tree that takes the living and replaces them with souls of the long dead is really horrifying to me. There's also the theory that Necron is the other side of the Soul Cage, the embodiment of death that is part of the Iifa Tree, a parasite that has rooted itself in every inch of Gaia. It's creepy and perfect. I just love how FFIX flips the "tree of life" troupe on its head with the Iifa Tree which is very much a purgatory or hell for souls, sentencing them to wander the earth as Mist. Terrifying! I love it!

the character who is mostly like me

I very much relate to Zidane's easy breezy attitude with high, suppressed levels of anxiety and doubt. I also very much relate to his mom friend woes.

hottest looks character

Hottest is so weird for me but if we're talking objectively I gotta say Hilda. Dead stop she's gorgeous and her design is impeccable. Cid was a fool and I am thankful he was forced to suffer as an Oglop and Frog for the entire game. Perish Cid.

one thing i dislike about my fave character

Only thing I dislike about Zidane is that he called Vivi a brat and told him to shut up, in Pandemonium. I gasped during my first playthrough. I'll never forgive him.

one thing i like about my hated character

I don't really hate anyone in FFIX. I honestly enjoy all their contributions to the story and game. But I'll pick Brahne? Just because she's a murderer and terrible mother. I really like the bit of mystery left with her character and her feelings for Dagger. Some of her finally words are "I hear my daughter's voice," but it always struck me that this is said just after the fact that we've learned that Dagger is not her true daughter. There was a Princess Garnet (the 1st let's call her) before Dagger. Yet when on death's doors - in the same way that Dagger says that Brahne is her only mother - based on her words, to Brahne, Dagger is her only daughter. Which is so extremely tragic because Garnet the 1st was completely erased and forgotten. For a parent, losing a child is often said to be one of the worst pains imaginable. Some will go on to have another child but it will never erase the one they lost. And yet here's Brahne, ridding all memory of her original Garnet. It is haunting. It really gives an insight on how this woman handled grief - which was not at all. Perhaps that is why she turned to war and power after her husband's death. The implications of Garnet the 1st is a detail I cannot stop thinking about and it makes Brahne all the more compelling to me. A bitterweet part of me likes to think that after the game ends Dagger decides to create a grave for the true princess, the little six-year-old child who died twice: once in death and twice in memory.

a quote or scene that haunts me

"The sunset makes the Eidolon Wall look like it's on fire!" There's something about this scene and the fact that a beautiful memory of the Eidolon Wall from her past is what triggers Dagger's memory of her home, burning with the Invincible's flames. Every time I play this part of the game, Dagger's flashback on the boat and the subsequent sequence between her and Eiko move me to tears .

a death that left me indifferent

Probably Mog. Only because, no matter how much I love FFIX, the Mount Gulug section overall feels a little lacking which is because of the execution of Mog's transform/sacrifice/and the events that follow. I do think it's a symptom of an overall problem in Disc 3 which may simply be the result of the opening of the game map and player freedom. The is though, that you have Eiko losing Mog, her sister, a huge emotional moment, when its extremely easy for you, the player, to forget about Mog entirely!! Of course you may likely play as Eiko in the Desert Palace but that's optional and Mog never makes an appearance!! There's no real lead up for the scene on Disc 3 that emotional prepares us. Mog's sacrifice would have been more impactful had she made an appearance in the Desert Palace or during the start of Disc 3 in Alexandria. Eiko has all this time alone for character self-reflection and Mog is technically there, hidden in her shirt, but she never appears for greater impact. There's just too much allotted game time between the events in Madain Sari and the events at Gulug Mountain.

a character i wish died but didn’t

Vivi. Must I say more?

my ship that never sailed

Blank and Ruby are forever in that "too hard headed to make anything meaningful come from their constant bickering." I both love and mourn their stagnant friends to lovers state. They'll never be canon but the post-game potential for them is excellent.

#asks #anubis-005 #ffix #final fantasy ix #final fantasy 9 #steiner #zidane tribal #garnet til alexandros #ruby #blank #eiko carol #queen brahne

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yejiroh · 4 years

Note

Hello! I love your Wake Up and See Me story! (not so secret slut for angst and character death) I'd like to request very angsty HCs for Obey me! charas x fem!reader who is still grieving for her family singing her mother's lullaby while spacing out somewhere public. The lullaby in question being Lullaby of Woe by Ashley Serena, The Hanging Tree from Hunger Games series or Come Little Children by Erutan. Wanna see their reactions so bad!!!

I- I really need to update that series. Thank you so much for the support of it anon!

And thank you for the request darling! I’m sorry it took so long, but the lullaby’s were beautiful! So yes, I decided to listen to them all and match them with who I think it’d get the best reaction from! I made a little scene as well before the reactions, so it may or may not be a bit of a long read.

Lullaby Reaction! Obey Me BROTHERS x Fem!MC (ANGST)

Couldn't add the Keep Reading link because Tumblr is a beeotch. Sorry not sorry to everyone because this is LONG!

***

TRIGGER WARNING: death, loss of parents, toxicity, mentions of cannibalism, more death, child abuse, traumatic stress, mentions of suicide, nightmare factors, unintentional murder, loss of siblings, and as the anon requested, A SHIT TON OF ANGST!

Side note: I really really liked Lullaby of Woe...may consider making a series based on the lyrics. Who knows?

***

This one is kind of long because I did get carried away, but I do hope you enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed writing it!

***

Lucifer, Mammon and Beezlebub: Come Little Children

As the cool Autumn breeze hit her face, MC took a sip from the hot cup between her clothed hands. Today would mark the 15th year since the orphanage- her orphanage, had burned down. All 23 children and her parents except she had burned to an ash- less than that truly. She, with her ill body and frail stature, she, with her poor value and level of importance, she, the one who had been trapped in the building longest of all.

Every time she had walked into the toy store around the corner, MC felt pulled towards the puzzle sets. Specifically, the 24 piece sets. MC was the 24th child. But she was also the first. Every day, she’d buy a set, just to lay it on their graves, sorry that she had been left behind.

“Come little children, I’ll take thee away, into a land of enchantment…oh momma, I’m so sorry I let you all down...I’m sorry I played with the fire, I’m sorry.” A tear had poured down, slid to her dry lips as she desperately held them back.

“I’m sorry momma...papa...I’m sorry I didn’t listen...I’m sorry I killed you all…”

And, as she walked away from the tombstones, a heart that was not hers broke.

{Reactions}

LUCIFER:

1.Never before had Lucifer been so...disturbed.

2.The song was stunning, and that was true….but somehow he could relate

3.He would definitely stay on the down low for a while, his pride showing when he has to come up with lies as to why he wasn’t talking to you

4.Okay, flashbacks for weeks. He was genuinely affected by the song.

5.In the end, he needs more comfort than you once he finally kicks pride out the window and sheds tears in front of you.

6.“I’m sorry, MC…”

MAMMON:

1.Okay...he wasn’t the best at spying on you-but he was worried! Your behavior was odd since last Sunday...actually, every Sunday.

2.He ran out to you, crying hard as he tackled you, saying how sorry he was for digging into your personal life.

3.The demon was holding fistfulls of little puzzle pieces, candy, and notes, claiming they were from the souls of the children, who wished you the best in life and to move on.

4.He, the avatar of greed, had done something of huge charitable value for these children as he held you close

5.Yes, he got flashbacks….but decided not to dwell on them, more so trying to comfort you.

6.“Stupid human...you can come to me always, ya know that?”

BEEZLEBUB:

1.Beezlebub doesn’t always show his feelings, sure. But he does, forever and always, come for those he cares about.

2.It’s like a magnetic pull as you cry. He’s there, wiping the large tear threatening to spill with his thumb, licking it off before wiping his hand off.

3.A kind smile with eyes pain ridden as his big hands engulf your own, for he too, had a tragic past and lost someone he considered blood.

4.“It’s okay, MC. They’re right here, and always will be. Please don’t cry.” He says as he points to your heart, right by your breast, but with no sexual intent. Only comfort.

5.“Come on, big girl, don’t cry, I’m here.” He says, holding you close and running his fingers through your hair with the gentlest of touches.

6. No one can harm you in your vulnerable state as the Avatar of Gluttony protects you.

Satan and Asmodeus: The Hanging Tree

It was in class- herbology. The lesson was on wisteria trees when MC bordly began to hum a tune.

“Are you, are you, coming to the tree? They strung up a man, they say who murdered three. Strange things did happen here no stranger would it be, if we met at midnight, in the hanging tree.”

“Miss L/n quiet down! I’m trying to teach!” The professor had called out, but MC was lost as tears began to bubble up. She continued her little song quietly as her desk mates huffed in annoyance. She’d done this every day of the week, only to end up crying. Nobody knew what was wrong with her, nor did they get a word out of her. Not until Amso took MC and Satan out for a spa treatment.

Filing her nails, Asmo blew off the dust, his brows furrowed.

“Say, MC?”

“Yeah?”

“Why is it you sing that depressing song every time someone brings up wisteria trees?”

Now Satan looked up, lifting a cucumber off his eye, his curiosity sparked. MC looked away, pulling her hand away from Asmo’s as she pulled her knees to her chest, a deep sigh escaping her lips. Asmo quickly waved his hands in front of him.

“Oh, sorry, sorry MC! I didn’t know it was a touchy subject-”

Satan interrupted. “Care to share?”

“Satan!”

“No, no, Asmo- it’s okay. It’s...it’s just not something I really talk about.” MC said, finishing off with a whisper.

The two leaned in, eyes big and expectant when MC looked to them.

“You know, my father passed away when I was really young. It was a selfish reason, really- to put it into his own words, it was, “To escape the responsibility of life.” , but that wasn’t the case.” MC raised her pant leg, revealing all the burn marks and scars covering the skin.

“It was really to escape the guilt of hurting me.”

The brothers went quiet for a moment before Satan put a hand up.

“So what does that have to do with that song you were singing?”

MC smiled bitterly. “Because he was the man in The Hanging Tree my mother always sang to me.”

“So what happened to your mother?”

“She too, joined him in death…and left me alone.”

{Reactions}

SATAN:

1.He was at a loss for words, to say the least.

2.Never, in the demon’s countless millennia had he come across such a pitiful soul

3.Taking a bite of the cucumber before tossing it aside, he took the other off, tracing his fingers across the burns that resembled his rage: Ugly, loved, and traumatizing

4.As the room was quiet, he just felt intrigued to know more, had to know more.

5.“You’re very strong, MC.”

6.The Hanging Tree did not leave his mind for quite some time as he tried to figure out the mystery MC had unknowingly left implanted in his brain.

ASMODEUS:

1.He has never ruined his makeup by crying in front of somewhere. Never ever.

2.But he sure as hell came close to it.

3.Asmo had nothing to say but grab MC’s hands and kiss them softly over and over again before continuing the manicure he had initially started.

4.A mental note to take MC’s mind off other things so as not to give her wrinkles from stress or depression.

Leviathan and Belphegor: Lullaby of Woe

She never had a peaceful night's rest. The dreams always came back to haunt her.Each night, she’d live through it, again, and again, and again. Oh, how the false man in white would come to her, a mischievous grin on his handsome face before cutting into her mind, showing her the deaths at her fault. Her mother, kind and beautiful, always coming in to protect her, reassure her that it wasn’t real, that she was seeing things.

“Momma, please! I’m scared! I don’t wanna see him again momma!” A little girl wailed, holding onto her mother’s waist, legs wrapped around in a firm hold, hands bundled in her clothes.

“My darling, please just sleep~ I’ll always be here love. Always.”

And always she was, for her remains laid in that rotting home to this day, not yet known. Still, no one would believe the late Mrs. L/n’s daughter.

MC shuffled more in her sleep before finally waking up, eyes puffy from the unconscious crying. Slowly she got up, getting ready for the school day as she washed her face, prepared, and left the room.

“Good morning.” Each of the brothers would greet her, to which she’d return a small nod. There was nothing to talk about. Not when these nightmares haunted her so.

A little girl sat by her mother’s corpse, a man beside her.

Drink, child. Feast in the blood of a sinner.

“...But….but mother wasn’t a sinner…”

“Ignorant child. You are but a bastard, for she was never married. Drink and cleanse yourself of the blood of a sinner. Repent and be saved.”

Truly, the false man in white was but a liar, wanting nothing more than a child’s innocence and fortune as he toyed with her.

Lost in her own fantasies, she began to sing, the tall Jubokko tree towering beneath her with the damned’s skulls by her feat.

“For the witcher, heartless, cold...Paid in coin of gold, He comes he’ll go leave naught behind, but heartache and woe…”

“Deep, deep woe, for the witcher, heartless, cold, Paid in coin of gold, he comes…”

MC’s voice broke into it, pathetic cracks of the voice clear but quiet as she stopped.

A small applause was heard behind her; Belphie and Levi had seen and listened patiently, attentive and concerned.

The Avatar of Sloth put his arms down, kicking a skull as he sat down.

“That was a beautiful song, MC. What has made you so upset?”

Levi too, had sat down, his eyes no longer focused on the forgotten D.D.D.

MC just smiled sheepishly, sitting down with the boys as she tucked back a loose strand away.

“It was nothing important. A story for another time.”

{Reactions}

BELPHEGOR:

1.Girl, honey, darling. You're lying. It’s okay! You can trust him!

2.If MC doesn’t end up telling him, then he can just slip into the dreams (I think?)

3.Honestly worried for you. He’s the Avatar of Sleep- he KNOWS you’ve been disturbed lately, and more so than others.

4.Can you imagine the pure look of hatred once he finds out about this man?

5.And ew, you drank your mother’s blood?

6.But that’s cannibalism, which is a major sin so…

7.I guess you really can stay with him forever!

8.Honestly, he’s like a flame; burns as long as there’s fuel, then will move on to another topic.

LEVIATHAN:

1.So yeah. He didn’t really say anything.

2.But he was listening.

3.Didn’t make an anime reference once because nothing he’s ever knew of had been that horrifying.

4. Didn’t wanna make you feel shy about it, but kind of hints about it later on.

5.No, he doesn’t care about the man, because as you sat down on the skull ridden dirt, you just seemed so...peaceful

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stonedgilbert · 3 years

Note

do you have a meta post about why jeremy has no relationship with elena and what lead to having no contact? if not, would you like to share now? i'm very interested in what you have to say! (especially considering i wholeheartedly believe jeremy has every right to hate her)

why THANK YOU FOR ASKING NONNIE! i don’t know if i’ve ever formally written out something fully, but i’ve definitely done mini-metas here and there that sort of point out SOME of the reasons he has no relationship with her - but, in reality, it’s a combination of a lot of reasons, both canon from the show and things i’ve come up with on my own. so... here we go.

ONE : the lack of pictures of jeremy in the gilbert household. this is something i’ve expanded on in a few ways, but really - it’s canon. if you actually pay attention, in the show, you see pictures of miranda and grayson, of elena, but... the ONLY picture you ever see of jeremy is a picture that elena has on her bedroom mirror. point blank, you never see anything else of him/his childhood in the household. now, i’ve sort of created this headcanon that, as miranda would have fallen pregnant with jeremy when elena was only a few months old (as i believe? that she is supposed to be sixteen at the beginning of season one, and jeremy is 14 in the first few episodes, and has turned 15 by the time 1x05 comes around - the closest i can get to an estimate, considering his birthday is october 13th, and 1x05 is the halloween episode, which mind you, i will never NOT be mad about the fact that even though he Has a canon birthday, his birthday is never actually celebrated on the show), they had sort of taken this effort, given their children were so close in age, and elena was adopted, that they made this... effort to make sure that elena would never feel second best, like less than because she was adopted, but within that effort (and because miranda most definitely had a closer relationship with elena, with that mother/daughter relationship), jeremy sort of... fell through the cracks. combined with my own headcanon that jeremy has a few learning disabilities that makes/made school incredibly hard for him, and the MAJORITY of his “quality time” with his parents was them helping him with him homework (which he hated, because he hated school), inevitably getting frustrated in that very “smart white wealthy suburban family doesn’t understand learning disabilities when it’s in their own child, even if they’re supportive of it in other kids” way, and then simply giving him the answers because it’s late and they’re tired and there’s just not enough time in the day to hold his hand through all of that work, thank you very much. (i also headcanon that miranda had been looking into getting him formally diagnosed before the gilbert parents died, but unfortunately it never happened, and he doesn’t actually discover he has a legitimate disability until denver) and then, he is never actually shown as having ANY friends before the accident. we are thrust into him being in with the stoner crowd, but that he only became involved with them because of his parents’ death, so... where are the friends? it’s my own particular headcanon that he was simply so bad at school, that doing his homework took so much time out of his day, that there just WASN’T enough time in the day to form legitimate friendships with anyone, so when they died, he sort of just... stopped doing homework. withdrew, and then had nobody, which is how he ended up with the stoners. but, all of those things combined, jeremy felt incredibly INFERIOR when it came to elena. the rest of the town heard “gilbert child” and IMMEDIATELY thought of elena. jeremy wasn’t much else other than the “other gilbert”. second fiddle. an afterthought. so in a lot of ways, he resents her because of that. it’s not HATRED... it doesn’t turn into hatred until you combine it with everything else, which brings me to...

TWO : jeremy was fourteen when the gilbert parents died. it is, arguably, old enough to be left home alone for an hour or so while they go pick up elena from a party she’s not supposed to be at. but that doesn’t change the fact that the both of them didn’t NEED to go. but they chose to, because (in jeremy’s mind) their first thought was always elena, and he was an afterthought. because they are not alive to say otherwise, there is a part of his mind that firmly believes that when they got the call from her, they didn’t even stop to think that he was (probably) in bed/asleep, and they would be leaving him alone. so he wholeheartedly blames her for their parents dying - both for going to the party in the first place, and for being so much of the ‘golden child’ that both miranda and grayson left without a second thought, when really, only one of them needed to go. to this day, jeremy has a certain degree of PTSD from that night, where if someone knocks on the door without him knowing that they’re going to be knocking (so, he needs someone to text him like ‘almost there’ so he can prepare), he is IMMEDIATELY thrown into a flashback of that night, of being woken up by the police knocking on the door and telling him that there’d been an accident, that he needed to go to the hospital, where he had to sit and wait for jenna to show up, which, since she was away at college, i also envision took at least a couple of hours. a couple of hours of him being completely alone, all because of elena (at least, that’s what he sees).

THREE : the memory tampering. after he discovers what she had damon do, he gets incredibly angry, and resents her for it. because the pain of vicki never went away (which, i headcanon for different reasons than the show gave, but still valid nonetheless), he really just saw it as a control tactic. she wasn’t helping him, because he still hurt, he still felt empty. and all of these things coming together, given that jeremy is still very young (this all happens in season 1, mind you), and not fully emotionally developed, so all of this pent up rage just builds inside of him, and it gets focused on the only thing he can find to focus it on - her. he doesn’t have a healthy outlet for it, so he attacks her, because it’s the only way he can find relief for what he’s going through. hating elena is easier than anything else, really.

FOUR : also, please note that if you pay attention in the show, there are MULTIPLE TIMES where they end the episode with jeremy angry at elena, and rightfully so, but because the the writers didn’t care about him, in the next episode, they’re back to normal (or whatever is normal for them at the time, at least), without elena ever saying she’s sorry or apologizing in a meaningful way, because 99% of her on-screen apologies to him are “i’m sorry you think that” and not actually owning up to what it is that she does. so, basically, when it comes to my jeremy - HE DOESN’T IGNORE WHAT SHE DOES. it’s why i’m a strong proponent of ‘if i write with an elena and she actually apologizes, jeremy is willing to have a marginally better relationship with her’, because... she just. never actually apologizes.

FIVE : then she drags him into the mess. and he hates her, for all the reasons i listed before this. and he’s just so angry that he firmly just “i do not believe your life is worth the trouble we are all going through for this”. ESPECIALLY when more people die on her account. his mindset at that point is just “just kill her and get it over with” because he is quite literally watching people around them die, time and time again, for her. he dies HIMSELF a few times, despite the fact that he certainly never wanted to, not for elena.

SIX : and then she sends him away. and he doesn’t hate her for that. his life is actually pretty good in denver - but he DOES hate her for bringing him back after sending him away, because they’re inconvenienced and need his ability to see ghosts, and he hates her because she literally takes away possibly the only chance he has at a normal life, a chance for him to actually get real help with his learning disabilities so he can get an education, and he just... doesn’t have a choice in the matter. she and damon show up like “okay time to come back” and he gets no. say. and when he’s back in mystic falls, that support for learning is no longer an option because everything is so hectic there, around them, so he... loses that. he loses his chance at a future, away from mystic falls, to be a normal man.

SEVEN : then they quite literally force him to become a hunter. he starts seeing the tattoo, literally out of nowhere, he can’t explain it, and they go “great so you need to kill more vampires so we can get the cure for your sister”. he never WANTED to be a hunter. there is literally a scene where they essentially force-trigger the hunter in him so he will kill a vampire to further progress his own tattoo, so they can use him as a map. and then there’s the fact that them FORCING him to do this leads to his death. and not even his first death, just one of the literally many deaths he’s gone through. something he NEVER WANTED TO DO, gets him killed. it just further fractures their relationship, and at that point, it’s basically beyond repair for me. BUT I STILL HAVE MORE DON’T WORRY.

EIGHT : then i do write him as having a bit of an affinity for kai, regardless of relationship status. in the end, it doesn’t actually matter if he’s dating kai or not, he just... develops this entrancement, attraction to him that draws him in and makes him pick kai over mystic falls and everyone in it - mostly because of how broken his relationship with elena already is, but i have also written a full meta on why jeremy is so protective of kai, and can see things in him that a lot of people ignore, mostly stemming from the idea of that just what jeremy went through growing up made him hate his sister, but after finding out how kai’s father treated him? there is a large part of jeremy that believes if he’d been put in the same situation, he would have turned out exactly like kai. and then ... kai dies. because of elena, really, but at that point, it really has nothing to do with elena. all jeremy knows is that the one person he truly cared about, the one person he felt that he had (regardless of how kai felt about him in return, and whether or not he was just manipulating him, or whatever) is gone. and he... breaks. he’s an adult at that point, and he crumbles, he’s angry, and i headcanon that the mystic falls gang had to hide elena’s magic-coma body not only from vampires who might want the cure that she has in her veins, but because of the fact that jeremy is actively hunting her, trying to find her so he can kill her, both as revenge on damon for taking away the one person he cared about (very ‘an eye for an eye’), and because he feels he has nothing left to live for, so if he dies in the pursuit, he’s okay with that. there’s even a part of him that believes he might get to see kai again if he dies, even.

NINE : this is the final Big Reason, and it’s sort of subjective. what makes jeremy FINALLY cut off all contact with elena, to the point of not even really telling his daughter that she has an aunt (cali literally thinks that she and jeremy are the only gilberts left in the world), is elena marrying damon. granted, some elena’s don’t take it into account, and it doesn’t even really make a difference overall in the relationship if they don’t get married, because jeremy’s already too lost in his hatred to ever have a real relationship with her again. but the way he sees it, it’s... damon killed him. and yes, later on, they become sort of friends. but because jeremy already hates elena so much, when she gets engaged, he sort of just sees it as a slap in the face. a sort of... “yes, i forgave him, but it was ME who he killed, you have NO RIGHT to forgive him for it. i am the only one who can do that”. and he sees it very much on her part as this idea of “my brother’s life doesn’t matter as long as i get what i want.” whether that’s true or not, it doesn’t matter, because that’s what he truly believes. granted, it’s only been cemented in his mind considering he has died multiple times for “her cause”, even when he specifically did not want to. he genuinely believes that, at that point, elena sees him as a means to an end, and not as a brother. again - WHETHER IT’S ACTUALLY TRUE OR NOT DOES NOT MATTER. what matters is that that is how he perceives it.

so uh. yeah. that’s why jeremy hates her and has no relationship with her. MIND YOU, i probably forgot something bc i didn’t actually sleep last night and i’m tired and this is super long, but AT THE VERY LEAST, these are the important bits.

#Anonymous #❪ 𝙲𝙰𝙽 𝙱𝙰𝚁𝙴𝙻𝚈 𝚂𝙿𝙴𝙻𝙻 𝚃𝙷𝙴 𝚆𝙾𝚁𝙳 𝙲𝙰𝚃. ❞ ‖ headcanon.#❪ 𝚈𝙾𝚄 𝚂𝙷𝙰𝙻𝙻 𝙱𝙴 𝙼𝚈 𝚂𝚀𝚄𝙸𝚂𝙷𝚈. ❞ ‖ save.

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featciren · 4 years

Photo

It was sooooo happy to see the premier of the part4 trailer after finishing part3 of the show so I didn’t have to wait long. This show is too exciting to watch that I couldn’t sleep well every time I finished one episode. Although there’re indeed some plot holes and quite a lot of unnecessary sex scenes, the characters are good enough to make it addicting.

The Professor: My fav character. He’s clever, he’s smart, he’s thoughtful. Being the mastermind of the rebellion but is actually a soft good boi. He has a high moral standard and is patient with everyone. He’s awkward during some social situations which is adorable. He’s definitely demisexual too which makes me love him more. The only thing that I’m not happy about is that he went to have sex with his opponent during the heist when his crew are battling in the Mint... And why going on another heist with the same crew knowing that this crew had fucked up big time during the last one where three members of his crew, including his own brother were dead and the rest had barely escaped? (his choice of recruitment for the first heist is questionable as well...)

Tokio: Idk if she’s one of my fav. She’s got beautiful face and body and is very brave and fearless. She’s good at intimidating ppl but it’s she who caused most of the troubles. Moscow fucking died bcoz of her impetuous decision of driving straight into the entrance of the Mint which was completely unnecessary. She could’ve waited outside and found somewhere to hide after getting rescued from the Serbians. She had little contribution to the crew after she was back as well except firing to the police with Rio. Not to mention she’d disclosed the Professor’s real name to the police... However most of my fav scenes in the whole show have her in them so I can’t hate her much. I do like her interactions and father-daughter kind of relationship with the Professor. But is it the only way to make the show more interesting? by making Tokio do so many stupid things and putting everyone in danger?

Raquel: She’s fine. I like her sticking to the police protocols and being very moral towards criminals. I can’t say her changing sides wasn't smooth at all. Her romantic relationship with Professor has a solid foundation but being an upright officer I don’t think she can be convinced to change sides at once with juz a few words. Maybe her character isn’t actually very into the job of being a police officer to restore justice and love life is more important to her? I juz think she can be a more interesting character if she sticks to be a police officer and keeps chasing them (like Ángel) even she’s in love with the mastermind. She had become much much more boring in part3 as the assistant of the Professor. Her existence can be absent and the story wouldn’t be affected at all (except for the last plot where her “death” made the Professor decided to go on a war). Their relationship is fine tho. They got along well and are perfect for each other. But I’m juz not into it at all.

Berlin: One of my fav. He always had the ultimate goal in mind and was determined. He did every thing solely for the sake of the success of the heist. I had totally no problem with him ordering Denver to kill Mónica or threatening to kill Rio or pushing Tokio out of the Mint coz it was indeed the right thing to do if they wanted to prevent more chaos. Despite being ruthless and a psychopath in common ppl’s eyes, he was very loyal and affectionate to his brother that he quickly got over it even the Professor exposed his identity to the police on purpose to punish him. His kind of understanding of love lead to his tragic relationship with Ariadna which I feel very sorry for him. (I know I should feel pity for Ariadna too but...) I thought there was enough time for him to go into the tunnel and escape with the others?? Like if he ran with Nairobi and Helsinki they could blow up the tunnel at once even the SWAT team were already close behind coz it’s a bomb that could block the whole tunnel? I know his death is necessary if they wanted more chaos in part3 but it’s juz too sad... I’m happy every time he appeared in the flashbacks in part3 and was totally a loving brother throughout the show. I don’t think his character had changed at all coz he was with his brother all the time and he treated his family and the others differently after all.

Moscú: A good dad who wanted the best for his son and everyone. His death was so sad and also unnecessary except for making everyone cry and making Denver uncontrollable in part3. I see no problem with him escaping with Denver and Mónica and living a happy life with them... He wouldn’t have special use in the Bank coz there was no tunnel to dig but he could wait outside and be the loved ones waiting for his son and daughter-in-law to come back safely...(and he could be the one looking after their son as well. damn it)

Denver: I like him being the fighter with a certain level of moral standard. I really like his sweet sweet relationship with Mónica. Him confronting Moscow was heartbreaking and I can’t believe how fast he forgave Tokio for causing his father’s death. It makes sense with his kind of personality tho. That’s why he was happy to see Tokio again for the first time after so long but got sulky again after getting into a high pressure environment which reminded him of his father. He had a child to take care of and a wife to protect and he didn’t want to participate the second heist but he had to for the sake of their safety. He finally saw a bright and wonderful future of himself with his new family but the capture of Rio took everything from him. All these had made him becoming a more interesting character in part3. And his laugh is hilarious.

Nairobi: I love love love her so much. She’s so fierce and she’s perfect for the heist. She believed in the Professor all the way and was very loyal. She had a mistake she wanted to make up for which had made money more important to her. She is sympathetic that she even taught Alison Parker to stand up against those who bullied her (although I really doubt if it was a good idea coz if she learnt how to stand up she could be a threat to the heist...) However it could be her stubbornness in printing more cash that had indirectly caused Berlin’s death. And why would she go out of the Bank to grab that bear knowing it’s clearly a trap...? It was indeed Alicia’s ruthlessness that caused her gunshot but it could’ve been prevented if she had thought for one more sec... I mean you’re in a big heist in a danger zone you have to act rationally... Hope she’s alright in part4. She’s one of my fav pls don’t kill her despite her doing only one silly thing.

Rio: Could be a good boi but too emotional. He lacked the attitude in being a kidnapper. He was all buddy and loving with the hostages especially with Alison Parker which had only made them look down on the crew... If the hostages knew the kidnappers wouldn’t kill them then why would they fear them? His love story with Tokio was quite annoying to be honest. Their love towards each other caused too much trouble and conflict. I appreciate his decision in breaking up with her in part3 but such bad timing is unbearable. I mean you’re in a heist... and you know very well that Tokio was a timed bomb... why would you trigger her knowing that it could send everyone to hell? He was too immature and I agree with the Professor that he should be kicked out of the crew (including Tokio actually. I honestly dunno what their purpose for the heist was)

Helsinki: Is cute and loyal. Had become a cinnamon roll in part3 when he asked Nairobi not to leave him alone in the shared bedroom. Lovestruck with Palermo which is sad coz it’ll most probably be unrequited. Also very sad when he had to kill his cousin but his determination was very admirable. Hope he won’t have to face the death of his best friend and most importantly pls don’t kill him...

Arturo: Probably the most hated character in the whole story but is also a very real character. He wanted to go out by all means including ordering others to do dangerous things for him. But he did stand up for himself sometimes and did the most dangerous part when he confronted Denver so he was actually quite brave. It was a little bit sad to see he was in despair after the first heist and had to boost his fame to hold on to his life even his talk shows were pathetic. But then if he wasn’t such an asshole who told Mónica to have an abortion and being mean and selfish throughout his life he wouldn’t end up like this.

Suárez: Is very handsome. I like to watch him getting real pissed every time when he got back to the tent after the missions were fucked. I understand his anger towards Raquel coz it’s very reasonable towards traitors. I wish he would have the chance to fight the Professor sometimes where the Professor would want to avenge his brother. (Him killing Berlin was also a reasonable thing to do so I have no special thoughts on it)

Palermo: Is a player but actually loves Berlin so much that he’s been in despair for the whole 2 years after his death. He does have the charisma in giving speeches which makes him an intimidating kidnapper. It was so unfortunate for him to be almost blinded in the beginning of the heist but it was probably serving the purpose of him losing control. However his personality juz didn’t fit well in the crew...I know the heist of the Bank is his original idea so he should be involved but he couldn’t get along with the others. Why sending him into the Bank seeing them constantly having conflicts during those 4 months before the heist? (but then the Professor is a very bad matchmaker...) Him punching that one hostage (forgot his name but saw him having a big part in part4′s trailer) was satisfying to watch. Hope he won’t die too I want to see him living for Berlin.

Mónica: Is a poor soft lady with traumatic experience in romantic relationship. Her falling in love with Denver was a natural thing waiting to happen and was very sweet. She had become braver in part3 but she was kinda forcing herself to be. She was juz too sweet to intimidate anyone. Hope she or Denver won’t die coz it would be too too sad. Can’t this kind hearted lady have a peaceful and decent future with her loved ones?

Alicia: The most most hated character in the whole story LOL I hate her to the core. I despise cops in the very first place and this is exactly the kind of cops that I hate the most. Not following protocols, doing every kind of immoral ruthless cruel things juz to accomplish her missions (or fulfil her sadistic desire) and even covering up dirty things done by the govt. I don’t care that she’s pregnant, fucked up sadistic assholes like her shouldn’t have kids in the first place okay? However I understand her existence boosted up the tension in part3 and was very successful coz it’s more challenging for the Professor to deal every kind of situation...(Raquel was a good cop but she wasn’t his opponent at all. She caught him only bcoz he fell in love with her) I enjoyed watching the Alicia series videos on the official Youtube channel tho. Those are kinda cute.

Alison Parker: I don’t like her too although knowing this kind of character should be admired. Being fearless even in danger and giving no fucks to her kidnappers most of the time. She was only trying to get out afterall (although not taking any actions unless Arturo told her to). She was basically useless for the crew too except for the recording part between the Professor and Raquel which was probably an accident) I would start to like her if she managed to stand up against her classmates but that scene never came so I think that’s it for her. (Also why the fuck would you agree with dating your classmate who you know little about and have sex with him in a bathroom in a few hours and take sexual pics with your shirt opened? LOL Even when you have no friends and desire love that’s juz too brainless I can’t even...)

Ángel: Is loyal to Raquel and only wants the best of her. It was smart of him to follow the Professor and got his fingerprint. He was the first to find out who the mastermind was which was pretty amazing. Him having a car crash and went into coma didn’t make me feel sorry tho coz it was jealousy that drove him to investigate the Professor in the first place... and it was also his love towards Raquel that made him keep the information from the police even it violated his principal. I’m glad to see him reappearing in part3 coz he’s actually a good cop and it’s interesting to see him being missioned to chase down Raquel.

Before the trailer was released I was wishing I could see some breaking new things being done. Like the Professor being captured (but got away eventually) and confronted Alicia face to face or going into the Bank by himself to be with the crew physically for the sake of the plan, no longer staying in somewhere else depending on the CCTVs and phone calls to help. I want to see Nairobi live :’( I want to see Palermo sacrificing himself for the crew (not by dying tho) and apologising to Helsinki I’d be okay if Raquel give away the crew to Alicia coz that suits her character and it’s a forgivable thing to do (coz that’s the pressure of the whole world when she’s threatened with her family) I want to see Tokio and Rio being mature and helping out everyone instead of being sulky and losing control I want to see Denver and Mónica walking out of the Bank to reunite with their child in the end :’( I want to see Bogotá and Marsella having more screen time and doing some epic stuff Basically I don’t want anyone to die okay (except for that fierce hostage) And I want to see Alicia having trouble with her pregnancy and finally gets what she deserves LOL that’s a horrible thought but I can’t help

And of coz

Flash backs with Berlin!! Yay!!

There’re a lot of bombing and shooting and fighting in the trailer hope those are not the only things in the whole season

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princess-of-the-corner · 3 years

Text

So I totally forgot to drop the fifth part of the Thieves in Time Rewrite months ago. Whoops.

I think it’s because I wasn’t super happy with it but fuck it. Let’s do this.

Finally, onto the Thieves in Time Rewrite: Episode 5; It Ends at the Beginning.

Like Episode 3, I’m replacing the Cooper that they end up with. If y’all have kept up with my old posts, you know what’s coming >:3c

So! Actual story!

The gang lands in this Time but don't know when they are just that they were following anomalies in Time. They start trying to figure out when they are.

Sly's first out of the van, and is looking at a house in a normal neighborhood. However, he immediately recognizes it. This also sends him into a straight up ptsd flashback and he just scrambles back into the van, curled up and hyperventilating. The rest of the gang is confused and trying to calm him down. Completely forgetting about the question of 'when are they', until Murray comments that Sly hasn't had an attack this bad since the early days of the orphanage. Which makes Bently put the pieces together like "oh shit!!"

Right then, they hear a knock on the van door and a voice asking "are you having some car trouble?"

Because sure it's the middle of the night but Conner Cooper is going to notice a van parked in his driveway and come to investigate.

Conner also eavesdropped a bit before announcing his presence. So he heard them wondering 'when they are', and has already put together that Time Travel is involved, and they're probably not innocent road trippers. But he doesn't know if they're friend or foe.

Until he looks in the van and sees Sly. Because everything about Sly screams "Cooper", from the outfit to the cane(that he is currently gripping like a lifeline).

However, Conner has yet to pinpoint how far in the future they're from or what triggered Sly's flashback. Still, realizing this is another Cooper and his Gang, he invites them inside.

It takes a little while because Sly needs to calm down enough, but Conner is patient because he knows what ptsd is like.

Oddly enough, the one that helps the most is Penelope. Not that the others don't help. But with Carmelita, Sly gets that guilt/shame 'I don't want you to see me like this' feeling. That's less with Bently and Murray since they've seen this before, but since he's known them for so long the flashback memories are melding and mixing in his panicked state, and it's hard to remember that he's here now and not that little kid in the orphanage waking up from a nightmare.

Penelope, on the other hand, is a newer face that Sly isn't in any way intimate with. Seeing her helps ground him in remembering what's going on and helps pull him out of spiraling memories.

Sly's panic goes up and down as they enter the house. Seeing the livingroom definitely hits hard. It looks so normal, but it overlaps with his memory of upturned and bloodsoaked furniture. And god he fully freezes as they pass the closet. It gets better once the group enters the dining room.

At this point, Dahlia, Conner’s wife and Sly’s mom, has come downstairs as well. She was concerned at how long Conner was taking and was fully prepared to throwdown with whoever. Seeing the group though...

Dahlia knows something is up. She has seen enough stuff from her days running with Conner's crew to be used to it. And she's intrigued to see another Cooper.

But yeah Sly's still in panic and Dahlia's mom instincts kick in and she starts making tea to help calm him.

Once Sly's calm enough to talk again, they begin to explain why they're here. An enemy is using Time Travel to mess with Cooper history. The gang tracked an anomaly to this Time. They even start discussing the ancestors that they already met.

Then Conner and Dahlia ask how far in the future they're from, and everyone hesitates, wondering how to break it to them.

They're sidetracked by a new voice, sleepily asking what's going on. Everyone looks over to see a six-year-old!Sly standing in the doorway, having been woken up by the noise.

Past!Sly realizes there are five new people and is super excited to meet them!! And asks a million questions!

It's when Past!Sly gets to Future!Sly that things go a little heartbreaking. The conversation is like:

Past!Sly: "My name's Sly! Are you a Cooper? You look like a Cooper! You're a raccoon and you have the cane and everything! Are you a cousin or something?

Future!Sly: "Actually, I'm from the future! And my name's also Sly!"

Past!Sly: "Wow that's cool! Isn't it cool mom and dad?!"

Future!Sly: "Yeah, mom and dad. Isn't that cool?"

And yeah they don't even have to say it because as soon as both Slys were side-by-side with nearly identical grins… it clicked.

It takes a little bit to put Past!Sly to bed. Then they go back to talking.

However, Dahlia realized something. The way Sly had reacted to them, to this house. She knows something happens. And she asks.

At first, the gang refuses to tell them. Because Timelines. But Conner and Dahlia say that while they're not going down without a fight, they're not going to change it. Just tell them how long.

Of course once Sly starts confessing to that, pretty much most of the incident gets discussed. Including some things Carmelita and Penelope didn't know about because Sly hadn't felt up to sharing (like, they knew how his parents died but they didn't know Sly was there).

Sly mentions Clockwerk and we hints to things about Clockwerk. Even Conner doesn’t 100% know what’s up with Clockwerk’s hatred of Coopers, as that got lost over time. But he does know that Clockwerk is dangerous and isn’t surprised that’s how he gets killed.

After that, it turns into recapping everything else in Sly's life. Like how he met the rest of the Gang and all their adventures. Not every detail, but some of the bigger jobs or more fun anecdotes. Or really stupid decisions. And the fact that Sly and Carmelita are planning a wedding and baby is already on the way.

Eventually they get around to what they're supposed to be doing here. Apparently, this is right before Conner pulled that job that Le Paradox's dad was arrested over.

They assume that Le Paradox is teaming up with his own father and intending to turn the tables on what happened that night, solidifying their legacy and getting Conner arrested.

Well two can play at that game! They have a whole team to take them on.

For now they get some sleep because its like 3 am now.

The next day they meet two new people. Alice LaChance and her daughter Daphne, the Cooper's Rabbit neighbors. Sly is hit with nostalgia and a little guilt for kind of forgetting about them because of the trauma and being dumped in an orphanage but you know. Daphne is the same age as Past!Sly and was his best friend back then. Alice was mostly the babysitter when Conner and Dahlia were working, and isn't super involved in the heists, but does have a few tricks up her sleeves.

The whole group plans and bonds together and goes through all the hoops casing the joint and getting past security and eventually Sly and Conner face off against LeParadox and his father. Obviously they win.

But there are complications. The changes in the Timeline that LeParadox caused made the cops show up early. The place is surrounded and the usual escape routes are covered. Again, LeParadox wanted to make sure Conner couldn't slip away even if he failed the heist. But that's backfired now.

They're panicking and trying to think of a plan when Carmelita spies the one leading the arrest. She just laughs at their luck before saying they have a plan.

The Cooper gang all hide, with only Carmelita and the handcuffed LeParadoxes in plain view for Inspector Diego Fox.

Carmelita explains the truth. That she's his daughter from the future and was chasing a gang of criminals put together by LeParadox.

But she also tells him that to preserve that future, he has to let the Coopers go. Even emphasizing that without the Coopers, the world would be even more fucked in the future. Also letting a "if you don't help this future exist then you're also erasing your future grandkid" slip in.

Diego is, understandably, thrown for a loop. But after Carmelita proves she's really who she says she is, he does listen.

The cop in him really doesn't want to let the Coopers go. But… much like Carmelita, he knows that the world isn't all black and white. If he has to let them go for the greater good, then, well, as far as anyone else will know, only LeParadox Sr. was involved in tonight's heist.

There's no cliffhanger damn it(Other than the potential hints about Clockwerk’s past that could be used for another game)! Everyone goes back to the Future, LeParadox is thrown in jail, much to the super confusion of Carmita's superiors.

The Gang gets back to smaller heists and busts, along with wedding planning and a baby.

The last thing is an epilogue: Sly reconnecting with Alice and Daphne.

Alice is still in that same house. Sly takes a quick visit to his old house too. It's abandoned now, and run down. Violent deaths of criminals don't help real estate sales.

Alice is shocked but happy to see Sly. One of the first things she does is apologize though. For not being able to help. Not with the fact that Conner and Dahlia were killed, because she couldn't have done much that night. But for what happened after.

After that night, when she found out that Sly was spared, she tried to find him. But he was already lost in the system.

Sly reassures her that it's okay. He knows she tried and honestly, after all the Timeline Shenanigans, he's really come to terms with the fact that despite the bad things in this Timeline, he wouldn't trade it for anything.

The epilogue ends with Alice telling Sly about Daphne and her wife, and Sly inviting all of them to the wedding.

#Sly Cooper #Thieves in Time Rewrite

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sevensoulmates · 4 years

Note

Do we know how old Bobby kids where when they died and when they died (year) ie closer to bucks age or mays age because I wonder if it's more then Bobby acting like bucks dad but that Bobby sees his son in buck

tw://mention of suicidal ideation in last paragraph

So I'm going to assume based on the child actors that Bobby's kids were between the ages of 7-10 when they died.

I'm not sure if in Bobby's flashback scenes they state how many years prior their deaths happened. We also have the scene in Dosed when he talks about his daughter and mentions that she would've been a specific age *I think*

Regardless, I think Buck is still older than they would've been if they were still alive. I think they might've been closer to May's age in the current time line which is why I think May's milestones are usually what triggers him to think about his family.

As for his relationship with Buck, regardless of In the present they would be similar ages, I think it's two fold. It's both that Buck reminds Bobby of himself (likely the worst parts, the parts that made reckless mistakes that cost him everything) and reminds him of son (in that it would be incredibly easy to lose him to death).

We know that Bobby suffered a series back/spinal injury on the job that inevitably lead him to becoming addicted to drugs and alcohol. I wonder how that accident happened. Was it maybe a young spritely Bobby thought he was an invincible firefighter and jumped into rescuing someone without thinking of the consequences and got himself seriously injured? All of which inevitably down the line lead to the deaths of his entire family? I can see something like that constantly sitting in the back of his head whenever he looks at Buck.

It makes me think of the lawsuit and why Bobby felt the need to keep Buck from returning the work because of his injuries. We’ve all seen how with everyone else he lets them return easily but I think that’s because no one else (except Eddie to an extent) has the same reckless (and sometimes thoughtless) tendencies as Buck does. For Buck, firefighting is his whole life. All the decisions he makes revolve around it. For someone like Eddie, he has his kid to think about and that stops him from (most of the time) doing stupid shit. It makes me wonder if Bobby himself pushed to go back to his job too soon after his back injury at that exacerbated his pain and led to further dependency on drugs/alcohol. And he once again feared Buck going down the same path as him with dire consequences.

So I’m kinda changing my mind now. I think Bobby’s unhealthy obsessions with trying to fix Buck, to make him less reckless, to make him think with his head instead of his heart, is Bobby trying to belatedly rectify his own mistakes from the past. I don’t think his attachment to trying to fix things (or make amends like how he was determined to save as many people as he killed in the fire and then essentially k*** himself) has ever really gone away. It’s just become less obvious. I don’t think he has as drastic a goal this time around, and he may not even consciously be aware of it, but what he’s doing with Buck is just as unhealthy as what he was doing with his black book. Because Buck is not Bobby, and Buck is not the little boy Bobby failed to protect.

#911 fox #buck #evan buckley #bobby nash #I want to make it clear that I am not anti- bobby #he's an imperfect character just like everyone else on the show #and he like everyone else needs to be looked upon with nuance and not put on a pedestal #nor does he deserve to be completely hated

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badchoicesposts · 4 years

Text

Loyalty or Royalty

Chapter 8

Summary: Mia Bhatt spent years trying to escape her past, trying to escape the feeling of betrayal that was left in her heart after the fire, and she finally had. She was marrying the King of Cordonia and was finally going to get her happily ever after. But, after a momentary lapse in judgement caused her to send a wedding invitation to someone she was sure had forgotten about her, she realizes that sometimes the past has a way of crawling back to you.

Author’s Note: In this fic Anton and The Sons of Earth were caught before the wedding. Also this story will contain flashbacks that will be in italics.

Pairing: Liam x MC (Mia Bhatt), Platonic!Colt x MC, MC x The Mercy Park Crew

Word Count: 3,065

TRIGGER WARNING: BRIEF MENTION OF PARENTAL ABUSE

Taglist: @flowerpowell, @dcbbw, @texaskitten30, @kingliam2019, @hopefulmoonobject, @lovehugsandcandy, @los-cafeteros, @desireepow-1986 @lovemychoices

Catch Up: Masterlist

Mia felt numb as she and Colt carried the last of her boxes up to the loft at the garage. She wasn’t sure how she was supposed to be feeling right now. She dropped down onto the edge of her bed, and Colt sat down beside her. She turned so that she could bury her face in his shoulder and began crying. She didn’t know why she was crying. She supposed it was because both of her parents were dead, but she was finding it hard to grieve the death of the man who had caused her so much pain. Her mother was dead too, and that hurt, but still a part of her couldn’t help the feeling of relief that washed over her now that she knew that her father could never lay a hand on her again.

Maybe she was crying because of guilt. She should have been sad and upset that she would never see her mother again. Her mother was a good woman, who ended up in a bad relationship, and even despite this, she had done her best to raise her daughter as best as she could. Mia could tell that without a doubt. She loved her mother. But, for the first time in years she felt like she could breathe safely again, and a part of her was happy about that. It was so happy that she felt terrible for not being sad.

She hadn’t been able to properly express her emotions since they had died over two months ago. She had been in the middle of her sophomore year and was stressed while trying to balance her grades and figure out what she was going to do with herself now that she didn’t have a home to go back to anymore and figuring out how to pack up all of her and her parents’ belongings. Colt had initially told her that she could stay with them as long as she wanted, and she had been, but Kaneko had just now officially allowed her to move in. Now that all of her things were in the loft the reality of it all had just now hit her, and she wasn’t sure what the appropriate reaction to this was supposed to be.

So, she cried. She cried, finally letting everything out and allowing Colt to hold her tightly in his arms as she did so. She curled herself into him, desperate for his embrace to make her feel safe again as it had so many times before. He gently rubbed his hand up and down her back. Colt may have been a snarky asshole more often than not, but at the end of the day, Mia knew he loved her, and he had proved it to her countless times when he comforted her like this. He was never one to handle emotions well, his or others, or to enjoy being touched by other people, but he was different with her.

As the next two months passed, Colt had done everything in his power to make sure Mia felt settled in the loft and it was obvious what he was doing. He meant well, but she could also tell that a part of it was because of the impending decisions he needed to make about his own future. He was graduating high school in just a few months and both of his parents were urging him to go to college on the east coast where Annya lived. Kaneko was practically pushing him out the door, and Mia could tell that it was hurting both of them. He would get extremely agitated any time Colt would even suggest staying in LA and that would typically lead to the two of them arguing until they were blue in the face.

As Mia sat in the garage watching Ximena fiddle around under the hood of a car, both of their raised voices could be heard coming from Teppei’s office.

“I hate you!” Colt yelled loudly.

The door to the office slammed open, and Colt stalked over to his bike, taking off before anyone could say anything to him. Mia gave it a few minutes before walking into Kaneko’s office. He had his head buried in his hands, but he immediately straightened his posture once he noticed that someone else had entered the room.

“Can we go for a drive?” she asked softly.

Teppei let out a quiet sigh.

“Not now, Amelia.”

“Please?” she asked again, giving him a hopeful smile.

He was quiet for a while, but he finally nodded, getting up and handing her the keys to his Aylesbury. He had started teaching her how to drive when she had just moved into the loft, and they had been going on regular drives together since. She had her own car, Toby had jumped at the opportunity to help customize one for her, but she liked driving the Aylesbury with Kaneko. It made her feel close to him.

Mia got into the car and adjusted the driver’s seat so that she could reach the pedals, and the two of them took off down the road in a comfortable silence. Mia chewed on her bottom lip nervously as she tried to figure out what to say to him.

“He looks up to you and admires you. All he wants to do is make you proud. You should try talking to him instead of yelling at him,” she finally said.

“You’re young, Amelia. You have no idea what it’s like to parent a child,” he said coldly.

“You’re right. I am young, but I know a thing or two about having a shitty parent. So, I can tell you that as someone young, having the person that’s supposed to protect you and love you, constantly jumping down your throat for no reason kind of makes you shut down,” she shot back.

“Are you saying I’m a shitty parent?” he asked casually and unbothered

“I’m saying that you’re handling this situation very poorly, and it’s making your son think you hate him,” she said.

“And how would you know that?” he said, motioning for her to make the next upcoming right.

Mia turned on her turning signal and followed his instructions.

“Because I actually talk to him,” she said. “He thinks that you don’t want him around.”

“I don’t.”

“And why don’t you?” she pushed.

She knew the reason, but she needed him to actually say it out loud. However, Teppei Kaneko was a stubborn man, and he showed no indication that he was going to say anything. After driving in silence for another five minutes, Mia let out a soft sigh as the two of them sat at a red light.

“All I’m saying is that instead of yelling at him to leave, you should tell him that you want a better life for him, that you want more for him than this. He doesn’t actually hate you yet, don’t make him,” she said.

“Why does this mean so much to you?”

“Because I care about the two of you, and I don’t want to see you ruin your relationship,” she said, stopping for a minute before continuing more quietly. “And because I don’t miss him. My father. I miss the idea of what he should have been, but I don’t actually miss him. A part of me is actually glad that he’s gone. I don’t want to see that happen to the two of you. This line of work that you do isn’t exactly safe. If something were to happen to you, would you really want Colt to think about you that way?”

~~~

“The address to the house you gave me was registered under Claudius’ name,” Bastien said, causing Mia’s body to tense up.

She watched as he reached out to give the piece of paper with the address on it back to Colt.

“That has to be some kind of mistake,” she breathed out.

“I’m sorry, Your Majesty, but it isn’t.”

“Then, the fact that it got sent to the P.O. box has to be some kind of mistake,” Mia insisted, turning to Colt herself. “There’s no way Kaneko knows him.”

However, before Colt could say anything, Bastien interjected once again.

“I’m afraid it isn’t,” he said.

She felt like she was going to be sick.

“What do you mean?” she questioned, holding back a gag.

“I went looking for any indication that he was in the country like you asked me to, and I pulled the security footage from a bar a few miles away from the house,” he said handing her a picture. “It was one Claudius liked to frequent before his incarceration.”

In the picture, Claudius was sitting in the corner of the bar with a man next to him. They both appeared to be completely relaxed and upon closer inspection it wasn’t difficult to tell who it was. Everything about him was almost the same. The long hair, the dark clothes. The only thing that seemed out of place about his appearance was the large burn marks on the left side of his face, where the flesh was obviously damaged from the night he blew up the barricade. Mia clenched her jaw and passed the photo off to Colt.

She saw a mixture of emotions pass over his face before it settled onto something akin to relief.

“He’s alive,” he breathed out, a faint smile on his lips.

“Does the house have any current occupants?” she asked, turning back to Bastien.

“Not as far as I can tell.”

“But, you think he was working with them. With Anton, Claudius, and the rest of them?” she asked through gritted teeth.

“We can’t be sure of his direct involvement, but we know that they knew each other. This picture was from a few days before the Homecoming Ball,” Bastien responded.

“He’s been here for that long,” she said, incredulously.

“Where is this Claudius guy now?” Colt interrupted.

“He’s in jail for treason,” she said angrily.

“We have to talk to him.”

“No! We don’t!” she responded, rising to her feet and trying to fight back the unsettled feeling in her stomach.

“Why not?”

“Because. He’s in jail. For treason,” she said slowly, her anger becoming more and more evident with each word.

“He might be able to help us find him!” Colt argued.

“If Kaneko was actually working with the people who tried to kill us, then I don’t want to find him!” she said, crossing her arms over her chest stubbornly.

“You don’t know that he actually helped them. He would never hurt you. He loved you,” Colt said back, rising to his feet as well.

Mia let out a humorless laugh.

“Yeah, you know I think you’re right. I think he did love me in his own twisted way. But, what I know is that he could be selfish and manipulative, and he might help them if he thought it would be better for him in the long run,” she said, holding back a gag.

“He wouldn’t and you know it. I get it, okay? I get that you’re hurt he never told you that he was your father, but you’re just looking for reasons to be mad at him!” Colt said, getting increasingly upset now as well.

“I’m not looking for reasons! I don’t have to look for reasons. They’re already right there in front of me!” she yelled back, turning to walk out of the room.

“Where are you going?” he called after her.

“To throw up!”

“You still do that?” he asked, his voice softer this time.

She ignored him and ran up to her and Liam’s ensuite bathroom, dropping to her knees in front of the toilet and letting out the contents of her stomach. She hated it, but her stress always manifested itself as nausea. It had since she was a child, and if she was ever stressed out it was now. After a few moments, she felt someone holding her hair back and a hand gently rubbing up and down her back. When she was finally done, she flushed the toilet and fell back into Colt’s strong arms. He moved so that he was leaning back against the wall, and she lay her head on his shoulder trying to catch her breath.

“Okay?” he asked, and she simply nodded in response. “He wouldn’t hurt you. I think you’re the only person in the world he couldn’t handle hurting.”

“Colt, you know how cruel he could be,” she said softly.

“But, not to you. You have to know that,” he was practically pleading with her.

“I don’t though. He didn’t exactly make it easy to know him,” she said.

“Please, Mellie.”

~~~

Mia lay in bed, staring up at the ceiling and trying to figure out what to do next. It was well past midnight, and even though Liam had tried to stay awake with her, he had succumbed to tiredness over an hour ago. Colt was determined to see Claudius with or without her to find out more about Kaneko, but she wasn’t sure if she could do it.

The thought that he had been working with the assassins who had almost torn her life apart was ringing loudly in her mind. She wanted someone to tell her what to do, but she knew this was a decision she needed to make on her own. However, this didn’t stop her from quietly slipping out of bed and grabbing her phone before making her way out to the living room. She wrapped a throw blanket over her shoulders and settled onto the couch, dialing Annya’s number and pressing the phone to her ear. After a few rings, the woman answered cheerily.

“Hey, Annya. How was your flight home?” she asked, a sense of relief washing over her at hearing the other woman’s voice.

“It was fine. Long, but fine. I was actually just settling down for the night. What are you still doing up? Isn’t it the middle of the night there?” she asked.

“Middle of the night, early in the morning. Whichever you prefer,” Mia tried to joke, but her voice cracked as tears began to well up in her eyes.

“What’s wrong, sweetie?” Annya asked, her voice gentle and full of concern.

“He’s still alive,” she whispered, to which Annya only responded with a tired sigh.

“Are you alright?” she asked, her voice filled with sympathy.

“No, there’s evidence that he was associating himself with The Sons of Earth. I was forced to look at a picture of him in a bar with Claudius, the man who tried to shoot me and actually shot one of my best friends,” she said, letting out a humorless laugh. “I have no idea what to do with any of this information, but Colt insists that we need to talk to Claudius to see if he knows where Teppei is.”

“And what do you want to do?” Annya asked.

“I want to not have to worry about this,” she said. “But, I guess that’s out of the question.”

“I’m sorry, but it is,” Annya responded. “You don’t have to be involved in the process, but Colt is going to do what Colt wants to do.”

“I feel like I need to know, but at the same time I’m scared of what it’ll open up,” she said, sinking further into the sofa in an effort to make herself more comfortable. “Can I ask you something?”

“Of course.”

“Did you ever suspect that I was his?” she said quietly, her voice almost a whisper.

Annya let out another soft sigh.

“I had my suspicions that there was a reason he treated you the way that he did. I know everyone keeps saying this, but he was always very nice to you. He treated you like you were his own.”

“I’m sorry that I am. That my mother-” she broke off as tears began falling down her face.

“It’s not your fault, sweetie. If I’m being honest, I’m not surprised he was unfaithful. We weren’t happy. We hadn’t been for a long time, but we stayed together because of Colt. We were on the verge of getting a divorce before he was born, but we decided against it because we wanted to try to give him a good life together. In the end it just wasn’t meant to be,” she said.

Her voice didn’t betray any hurt feelings or discomfort. It was obviously something she had thought a lot about and had come to terms with.

“I’m still sorry. You’ve been so great to me over the past few years, and now you’re finding out that your ex husband actually had me with another woman while you were still married. It doesn’t seem fair to you,” she said, wiping her tears away.

“You’re apologizing for things that happened before you were born,” the woman said, letting out a soft laugh.

“More like the events that caused me to be born, but regardless, I’m sorry that you had to deal with it, with me for so long,” she muttered softly.

“I’m not,” Annya responded. “Mia, you’ve been like a daughter to me for years. I know things haven’t been easy for us, for the both of us. But, I’m so grateful for the time we’ve been able to spend together.”

“Thank you. I think I know what I have to do, but I don’t think Colt is going to like it.”

Mia said goodnight to Annya and went back up to bed.

“Are you alright?” Liam mumbled sleepily, pulling her into his chest.

“I’m not going to see Claudius,” she said. “I’m not going to stop Colt if he wants to, but I don’t want to. I can’t do it.”

Liam sighed softly and pressed a gentle kiss to her forehead.

“Are you sure?” he asked, and she could tell that he was fighting to keep awake.

“No, but I think it’s what’s best for me,” she said, nuzzling her face into his neck. “Now go back to sleep.”

Liam didn’t fight her on it and immediately dropped back into a deep sleep, causing her to smile to herself. The man could practically sleep through anything. She cuddled in closer to him and willed herself to sleep as well, already knowing that her conversation with Colt would be anything but enjoyable.

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redandfranticfeelings · 4 years

Text

in light of the final trailer finally dropping, i should finally post some of my bojack season 6 part 2 theories/predictions/guesses/hopes/etc.

warning: this gets very long!!! also, spoilers for everything, obviously.

the moore-carsons have to return. in fact, i think it’d be really interesting if the cold open of the first episode in part 2 was about charlotte. after all, there’s going to presumably be a flashback to bojack during the time when he was friends with charlotte and herb...

given that season 6 overall opened with a flashback to sarah lynn’s death, maybe season 6 part 2 will open on what happened in the moore-carson house after bojack left penny and charlotte behind? since those are the two major incidents that part 1 set up to bite bojack in the ass. however theyre also not anywhere in the trailer, meaning they might not physically show up, or maybe something about their appearance would be a huge spoiler.

we also see bojack return to the club where he did stand-up during the 80s. this is probably what triggers the above flashback. maybe this ties into the charlotte thing too, as mentioned above?

that scene of bojack with the letter from hollyhock has a lot of people talking, with how last season ended and how his hands shake holding it. interesting that it’s a letter and not a phone call or online message. this leads me to believe something physical must be in the letter, like money or some sort of memento or personal record. or maybe she just wants to be old-fashioned. it seems there is some issue b/w hollyhock and bojack because there’s an empty seat when he invites her to some sort of show he’s in, maybe with his wesleyan students. (also diane looks very unamused, even though she and bojack ended on a good note, which feeds the idea that this is after bojack did something bad or something bad about him came out. also, who are all these people in tuxes? are these waiters? is this tied to mr pb buying elefante?)

i actually believe hollyhock will learn about maddy but not about penny, and bojack will assume she knows about penny and forget completely about maddy. this will lead bojack to realize something i don’t think he really has even after all his development: he needs to care about the people he hurts who were never close to him, because they’re still people even if he didn’t want their attention and didn’t “lose” anything in hurting them.

many people have noted that doctor champ isn’t a legal therapist and thus might not be under disclosure agreements, which leads me to believe that he will release information about bojack out of pure spite. i also believe maddy could be doctor champ’s daughter, which would give him even more reason to hate bojack.

however i believe that if everything about bojack does come out...the public won’t really care. it feels within the show’s nature to make a story about how “cancel culture” doesn’t really hold up well and how people will learn about a celebrity, but not care about what they did as soon as some other news overshadows it, and the celebrity won’t really lose anything in their career most of the time. bojack will suffer personally but his career won’t suffer as a result of being “cancelled.” this might actually send him spiraling and maybe he will try to convict himself or something, if he’s still at that level of self-punishing behavior.

something really interesting is that bojack is talking to biscuits braxby, the host of the talk show where he and gina covered up the strangling story. the fact this is the person to whom he’s dumping all his angst...concerns me. is he coming clean about that? does gina know he’s coming clean about that?

speaking of gina, i think she will connect with kelsey after all, maybe even work on the movie. i think kelsey will see past the hollywoo bullshit and suspect gina isn’t being given a fair chance. idk if it’ll work out but it feels in-character for her. i just really hope we see more about kelsey’s movie and i hope it’s a success.

somebody else had to point this out for me to notice, but bojack appears as a...corpse?? in an episode of birthday dad. this means he must lose his teaching job somehow, or at least goes back to acting in LA during his break.

on the subject of mr peanutbutter, i have a lot of thoughts about where his plot is going to go. for a while i thought pickles was going to leave him for joey pogo because of how episode 7 seemed to imply mr pb would set them up and joey is a lot like mr peanutbutter except close to pickles in age and spirit. i assumed this would send mr peanutbutter into a deep depression due to being truly alone for the first time in his life, which would ironically get him fired from making speeches about depression because he becomes unmotivated and irritable, which are symptoms of depression considered “too ugly” for the mainstream (bjhm is just the show to drop that sort of message on us). however, this theory is muddled by both this and the netflix january trailer showing them still together. so if the above does happen, it probably won’t happen right away. (maybe pickles will propose a polyamorous relationship but mr peanutbutter will feel actually jealous?)

and while i don’t like the bojack suicide theory at all, if i have to pick a main character to die, i would put my money on mr peanutbutter, or at least that he’d get really badly hurt after putting on an impulsive grand gesture. his path in life is self-destructive and reckless in its own right, and when he loses everybody, i think he’ll lose himself. i picture him waiting outside diane’s old apartment not realizing she’s moved away for good, possibly getting sick on the sidewalk, hachiko style. however i’m not married to the idea of killing off any character.

on the subject of diane, i really like that we’re seemingly getting more focus on her issues again, and we get more art styles to demonstrate her angst. this one actually resembles the teenage diane from “the dog days are over” which means it could be a flashback. more info on diane’s childhood!

i also think guy’s son is going to muddle things for diane. as good as guy treats her, the son seems to be a major issue with guy, and diane has made it clear she doesn’t want kids so any long-term commitment probably won’t work out. i do hope things don’t end badly for her, and i really hope she doesn’t run back to mr peanutbutter or bojack. maybe she’ll take time to focus on herself and finish that book?

another interesting turn would be if maybe diane’s book ends up being about something that makes her happy rather than something that she thinks is important but stresses her out. or maybe she finds people who will listen to her and actually help her make change in the world, maybe not immediately, but in the long run.

as for princess carolyn i think her plot seems pretty straightforward. the only thing that seems to be implied is a stronger relationship with judah. i wonder if he’ll move in with her, since he’s in her apartment in one of the trailer scenes? she also goes to see him play in a band which seems to suggest we will learn more about judah and PC will get to know him as a person. i wonder if they’ll tease the idea of them as a romantic item, but i don’t think that would stick, though judah is a great man. (maybe we’ll learn he had a partner all along, or maybe he’s aromantic, or maybe he simply doesn’t want to date PC and make things weird knowing how her other work romances blew up in her face.)

as for todd, i’m wondering what’s up with his mom. i wonder if she gave him shit for his asexuality? all we know is she kicked him out of the house and he has some issue with her that makes his sunny attitude sink very quickly. i’m assuming she must have been cold and judgmental towards him like bojack used to be, but maybe even moreso. she probably wanted him to be more serious or something and he couldn’t follow through. i assume she’ll recover fully from her ailments (because they probably don’t want to try to top free churro) and maybe try to become close to todd again through some zany adventures (maybe tied to the reason she was in a coma). i feel like it won’t perfectly work out, though. todd and his father might be able to become closer, though.

i don’t know why margo martindale is threatening todd either, maybe she needs him for a caper? that’s bound to be wacky. imagine if margo is somehow tied to his mother?

todd’s bunny gf looks adorable, and i hope this relationship goes well. i notice maude has some family pictures up and i wonder if her being a rabbit will be relevant, because of the stereotype of rabbit families being so big. maybe her parents will want her to have kids but she’s unsure because she’s asexual. maybe she and todd will evetually have kids through nonsexual means, like adoption or sperm donation, if only because he’s so great with ruthie and the exploration earlier in the season of his family relationships might add some fuel to an arc about him as a father. however i wouldn’t die on this hill, though i do feel like maude and todd will work out.

in fact, i noticed todd is in formal wear during part of the promo and a lot of people from todd stories are there like emily’s firefighter boyfriend and the assistant from when todd was a ceo. initially i thought maybe this was a wedding party but then i realized maude is in the background talking to princess carolyn. i wondered if maybe this is for the peanutbutter and pickles wedding. however since todd is schmoozing and mr pb is giving out drinks, i think it must be something tied to both of them, so maybe a pb living related party?

(the following shot has pickles in formal wear but mr peanutbutter isn’t, and pb looks sad, so she’s going somewhere fancy without him which interests me, maybe connected to the above “pickles tries to date both joey pogo and peanutbutter but pb is jealous and depressed” theory)

i have a feeling they’ll do a time skip of substantial length for the final moments of the show. something that show’s bojack and his friends’ legacy or lack thereof. we can see an older ruthie, and how hollywoo changes, and how people remember bojack if they even do. it could end very bittersweet this way. but that’s just a wild guess, lol.

#bojack horseman #bojack spoilers #bojack season 6

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lovemychoices · 5 years

Text

RoD- Playing with Fire. CH2 (1/2)

Book: Ride or Die

Pairing: Colt x MC

Once upon a time, an angel fell for a devil and they called it true love. -J.P.D

Kaela Matsuo didn’t think she would fall in love with someone during her senior year of highschool it was the last thing on her mind but then she met Colt while hanging out with Logan and everything changed. After taking down Jason and saying their heartbreaking goodbyes will Kaela and Colt ever find a way back to each other again? And if they do are they ready to face new obstacles together?

Disclaimer : Characters except my OCs belong to Pixelberry, I am just borrowing them.

I’m not a professional writer, just someone with a creative outlet finding a way to express herself. (And trying to improve as I go.) Also sorry for the grammatical errors in advance, I like only double check my work once.

Word count : 2123

Chapter Summary: A heart breaking phone call and a broken Kaela.

A/N : Ha! Finally posted the second chapter of this series. Sorry I’m really bad at updating been busy with life and work stuff, what was thinking doing more than 1 series 🤷🏻‍♀️. This chapter will consist of 2 parts.

Big shoutout to @thecordoniandiaries and @client-327 for listening to my ramblings and throwing ideas around.

Rating : This is a PG-18 series, there will be Violence, NSFW and other PG-18 stuff. If you read this you acknowledge you are above 18 years old.

Warning/ Triggers : A lot Angst, mentions of character death. I’m sorry this chapter might only contain 2% fluff or no fluff at all. If you think you can’t handle this cup of Tea you may skip this chapter. You have been warned!

Tagged list : @thecordoniandiaries @leelee10898 @annekebbphotography @desiree-0816 @emceesynonymroll @jessiembruno @jlpplays1

Rod tag list : @liamzigmichael4ever @client-327 @brightpinkpeppercorn @lovehugsandcandy @lilyofchoices @justdani14 @zaffrenotes @queenkaneko

Song Inspiration: Chord Overstreet - Hold On

Loving and fighting

Accusing, uniting

I can't imagine a world with you gone

The joy and the chaos, the demons we're made of

I'd be so lost if you left me alone

Ximena’s words hit Kaela like a knife to the heart, her breath catches her throat trying to process everything, her body trembled unable to form the next words. This can’t be happening, this can’t be happening. “Tell me this isn’t true X, tell me this is just one of Colt’s stupid plans or something.” She stammers. “How do you even know it’s him it could be someone else?!”

“Because. Because we were working together on a job when it happened. Something went wrong the cops got wind of our operation and they ended up chasing him, the roads were slippery from the rain and he. He just lost control. I overheard from the police scanner that he was found dead on the spot. Kaela I really am so so sorry, I know how much Colt meant to you, how much you both meant to each other.” She informs Kaela regretfully.

“W— Where is he?” Kaela asks her breath shaky but Ximena hesitates from answering. “Ximena where is Colt? Where did they take the body? Please answer me!” She pleads desperately. Ximena could feel that Kaela was hurt and being in denial, not wanting to face the reality of losing Colt. She treads carefully before she finally speaks. “Kaela, it’s not a good idea. The accident it messed Colt up badly, he wouldn’t want that image of him to be the last thing you remember.”

“I don’t care Ximena!” She belted. “I want to see it with my own eyes. I have to please, please, please.” Her voice cracks, her eyes start welling with tears. “Please I need to see him.”

Ximena hesitates again but finally gives in, she gives Kaela the address. Kaela quickly grabs her purse and keys from the counter but before she hangs up there was something else Ximena had to tell her. “Kaela before you go you should know, your dad. He is the one who is handling the case.” Kaela pauses at the threshold of the door when Ximena mentions her dad, they haven’t been close ever since the whole MPC argument. Sure they talked every once in a while to catch up on each others lives but things were never the same as they were before.

She closes her eyes then lets out a calm sigh. “Thank you Ximena, I know you’re risking a lot just by calling me right now.” “Take care Kaela.” Ximena advises her then hangs up. Kaela shoves her phone into her handbag slamming the door behind her quickly races to find Colt.

****

Kaela drove as fast as she could, hitting the gas pedal speeding across the highway. Swiftly maneuvering through the city and over taking every car that was in her way, she could feel the rush of adrenaline in her blood. “I promise I’ll find away for us to be together again.” The memory of Colt’s words the last time they saw each other came crashing back, tears began welling up in her eyes once more and she quickly wiped them away. She needed to see if it was really. Please don’t let it be him. She quickly put her car in park upon arriving at the coroner's office. Getting out and slammed the car door behind her, not caring that she was double parked.

“Excuse me miss you can’t be here at this hour.” The security at the front desk exclaimed as she barges into the building. Kaela ignores the security guard, quickly pacing past him looking at the signs above for the morgue. She turns the corner and she sees him, her dad standing outside the door that leads to the morgue. “Dad!” She called running towards him. Mr. Matsuo turns his eyes widen, hands in his pocket. “Kaela? W— What are you doing here?” He stutters. “You shouldn’t be here Kaela.”

“I need to see him.I need to know if it’s really him” She tries to head for the door leading to the morgue but he stops her blocking her path giving her a regretful look. “Dad what are you doing to get out of my way.”

“Kaela please don't do this, don’t make yourself hurt anymore than you already have.” He pleads but Kaela doesn’t listen trying to force her way in. He finally shows her a clear evidence bag to get her attention. “Kaela these are some of the things we found on him or at least what we managed to salvage.” She swallows a lump in her throat when she sees what was in it, among the things was a familiar Jade Kitsune.

****

Flashback here..

It was the night of senior prom, the first time Colt and Kaela confessed their love for each other, it was also the first time they slept together. The first time she gave herself to someone. Kaela nestled herself under his arms, her head resting on his bare chest feeling a sense of total bliss. How could anyone with the tendency to bring danger wherever he goes make her feel so safe at the same time. “What’s on your mind sweetheart?” Colt calmly asked while he traced soothing lines on her arm.

“Just thinking about how much I wished we could stay like this forever. No schemes, no bad guys to take down. Just us.. like this in this moment.” She murmured.

“Believe me I’ve been thinking the same thing.” He replied then heaves a sigh. “But we’re going to have to go back to reality soon.”

Kaela turned stretching her hand toward the side table grabbing her small clutch, she opened it and took out a small jade pendant then handed it to Colt. “Is this a Kitsune?” Colt asked cocking an eyebrow as he rubbed his fingers on the Jade pendant. “Mhmm..” She hummed nestling herself back into his arms. He turned the Kitsune behind and noticed some Japanese symbol engraved to it.

ケイラ

“What does this mean?” He questioned. Kaela rolled onto her stomach, propping her head on her hands and smiled when she saw the engraving on the Jade pendant. “It’s supposed to be a translation of my name when written in Kanji. When I was a child, my cousin was babysitting me and decided it was a good idea to let a six year old watch a horror movie. I was traumatized for weeks after that, I couldn’t sleep without the lights on. Then one day my mom gave me this, she told me that Jade crystals are used in asian cultures to ward off evil and that Kitsune’s are known to bring wisdom, long life and luck.”

“They are also known to be tricksters.” He added with a devilish grin. “You’re not the only one with some Japanese blood running through their veins, remember?”

“Maybe that’s why I’m attracted to you.” She winked. “Really? I thought it was because of how cute I was.” He chuckled and she swats him playfully, her expression quickly changes into something sincere. “I want you to have it Colt. It kept me safe all these years, it would make me feel better knowing you have it with you.”

“Kaela I can’t take this from you. You said so yourself your mom gave it to you. I know that this must mean a lot.” He replied.

“It does, but you mean a lot more to me so I want you to have it. Just promise me you’ll keep it with you wherever you go.” She grinned.

Colt doesn’t answer at first instead he pulled her into a deep kiss, when they parted he tucks a strand of loose hair behind her ear. “I promise you, I’ll keep this close to me until my very last breath.”

***

Present day..

Kaela’s shoulders drop when she sees the Jade Kitsune she gave Colt the night of her senior prom. She felt her body tremble and drops on to her knees, pressing her hands on her head and cries. “No, no, no.This can’t be. This can’t. I can't. I can't. I... I can't. I can't. No. It hurts. It hurts. Just make it stop! Please make it stop! It hurts!”

Mr.Matsuo saw how much the news affected her. His heart feels like it’s breaking into a million pieces watching his daughter like this but what’s done can’t be undone. He kneels down and gives her a tight hug rubbing soothing circles trying to comfort her. “It’s okay Kaela. It’s going to be okay. You’re going to be okay.”

But how could she be? Every inch of her body was hurting when the realization that she would never see him, talk to him or touch him ever again hit her. That last piece of hope that she was clinging on to that piece that kept her going it was gone. Kaela couldn’t think, she couldn’t breathe, She felt like she was suffocating. “I can’t. I can’t breathe. I can’t. Please make it stop. Dad just make it stop! Make it stop!”

****

A few months have passed since she got the heartbreaking news about Colt, they say a broken heart will heal over time but time did nothing for Kaela. Losing Colt hit her hard, she was falling back on all her classes, her grades were slipping, so she decided to take a semester off. She lost a lot of weight because she wasn’t eating well, she wouldn’t leave her apartment unless she had to work or buy some things at the grocery. She isolated herself from the outside world.

“Ah! What the actual fuck?!” Kaela growls as the blinding sunlight pierces through her eyes.

“Get up, we’re going out tonight!” Riya exclaims after opening the curtains, she pulls Kaela’s blanket away from her. Kaela takes a small plush pillow next to her and covers her face from the blinding light, letting out an exasperated sigh. “Go away Riya, I’m not in the mood to go anywhere right now.”

“I'm serious Kaela!” Riya insisted placing both hands on her waist but Kaela pretends not to care. When she sees how stubborn Kaela was being, she drops her shoulders and heaves a sigh. She hated seeing her best friend like this, she takes a sit on the bed next to Kaela. “Listen, I know how much you loved Colt and I can’t imagine what you’ve been going through but it’s been almost 3 months Kaela, even if you’re not over him you can’t just live your life like this forever. When was the last time you went out for fresh air or even had a proper meal?” Riya asked but Kaela still refuses to answer her. “I’m not asking you to move on from Colt if you’re not ready, I just don’t want you to spend the rest of your life miserable and all alone. You haven’t been out in ages, who knows this could be good for you? Meeting new people, opening new doors. Just try Kaela, if not for me then for yourself.” Riya got up from Kaela’s bed and heads for the door she hesitates at the threshold then looks over at Kaela. “There’s a party tonight at Mike's house if you happen to change your mind I’ve sent you the e-vite along with the address. I really hope you’ll come.

Kaela waited until Riya left the apartment before getting out of bed, feeling dizzy as she slowly stood up. She heads to the bathroom dragging her fit. A nice long soak in the tub would be good. She dips her hand into the water to make sure the temperature was right. As soon as the bath was ready, she strips off her clothes and slowly stepped into the bathtub.

She closed her eyes trying to relax, trying to forget until mind slowly drifted and she found herself submerged in the water. But then she hears the voices, a surge of memories come crashing all at once. I love you Kaela.. I promise I’ll find a way for us to be together again.. Kaela I’m sorry… I can't. I can't. No. It hurts. It hurts.. Just make it stop! Please make it stop! It hurts!... I love you, Colt. Hold on to that. Kaela emerges from the water, gasping for air. She could feel her heart pounding as she panted, trying to catch her breath.

Once she managed to compose herself, she gets out of the tub and dries off before wrapping herself in a towel then heads to the sink. Kaela wipes the mist that built up on the mirror, she then leans against the sink staring at her reflection. She doesn’t recognize the person standing in front of her, it looked like an entirely different person, like someone who was broken inside and out. Fuck maybe Riya was right, I need to get out of this apartment a night out should help make me forget.

#playchoice #playchoices ride or die #choices ride or die #Colt x MC #colt kaneko #mc x colt #Logan x Mc #choices rod

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