#THIS LYRIC HAS BE HAUNTING ME GUYS SORRY I NEEDED TO SHARE

[luvrxbunny]

“this thing upon me, howls like a beast…

you flower.

you feast.”

- Harry Styles (Woman)

[ladybeug]

Alright so

It has been about 24 hours since i finished @peachcitts fanfiction metamorphosis and i spent at least 3 of those hours making a fanmix.

Listen, Im sorry, this is just who I am, Im someone who wants to make a playlist about a specific iteration of ml characters. Especially if there are some grey morals up in there.

read the fic, listen to the fanmix, follow me under the cut thats where the party is

...and by party I mean analytical summary of each song.

I'm about to talk about some of these choices I made in depth, as a treat for myself. An indulgence. I'll keep the fic references high level but there may be some theme/tone spoilers so real talk go read the fic and meet me back here.

@peachcitt I know I tagged you but this will get long you do not have to read it or acknowledge this homage just know I appreciated your story and thought a lot about it.

so.

the whole playlist is meant to be listened to start to finish, its half the tragedy and half the hard work to get your life right side up and the rewards.

I actively tried not to put Cry for Judas on here and i did ANYWAYS

its on so many of my playlists already, I'm loose with this song. But frankly if i could only keep it on one I would keep it on here. I mean I just don't think any other adrien iterations do things just to see how bad they'll make him feel QUITE like this one and i just HAD to have that as the first line of lyrics in the playlist.

I'm just also obsessed with sad and angry, can't learn how to behave?? The tragic acceptance of being unable to be good??

find me a better match. this song had to be on here and it had to be first.

Your Ghost - this might be the only song thats only about Marinette which is a crime because I really connected with her pov but the truth is that this is an adrien fanmix and i need to accept that.

But for real the acceptance but inability to move on in this song is just perfect.

Can't Lose - maybe the angriest song on here? A little angrier than I was going for but I had to keep this one though because, I mean, "I'm thinking I can't move if there isn't somewhere else to go?" like, the, 'sure what im doing is bad but what else IS there' of it, I mean, what can I even say. It had to be on here.

If you only listen to one song on here listen to Animal Mask.

It's a song about partners in a wrestling match written as a metaphor for when John Darnielle's wife was in labor, and its so tender and sweet, and frankly it sounds like it could have been written for metamorphosis for like every single flashback of ladybug and chat noir.

I could quote every line and be like 'this is them' but like, 'hold on,' I cried, 'I'll be right there', pulled your mask down through your hair. they won't see you, not until you want them to. What am I supposed to say?? It moves me deeply I'm having emotional problems please come join me. Every other song on this playlist doesn't matter.

Anyways intermission, while we're here, let me share this experience that I had today with you:

I did then proceed to count, was appropriately ashamed that about 25% of the playlist was mountain goats, and extremely painfully chose to remove 'oceanographer's choice'.

[tangent about Oceanographers Choice vs Haunted House]

As obsessed as I am with going straight from the unbearably tender memory in animal mask to oceanographer's choice, first line: "well, guy in a skeleton costume, walks up to a guy in a superman suit, runs through him with a broadsword", the anxious switch in music, and then straight into a song about a fucked up guy fighting the woman he is still complicatedly in love with.... and he doesn't know how else to be....

oh no, listen, as I typed that I half convinced myself to add it back in again

but I won't because I even more love the transit of animal mask to the shrill and tense line in Haunted House, "I was buried in the summer, all those parties ago", and then a confused and hysterical song about dissociation and loss of control in a world where nobody seems connected to what you're going through. The tone is more ungrounded, and scared, and less resigned. Which matches what I was going for - I tried to avoid songs that were just like... "yeah i'm evil >:) thats my identity"

[end tangent]

Little Pistol I feel like I barely have to justify, but I will say what really sold me is the reference to 'I want what's best for me, and I think I know just what that means'. But then also the slight change in tune at the end? Delicious?

The Run and Go, just read the fic ok

I Wanna Get Better is one that honestly feels like it doesn't fit perfectly but I'm really drawn to a sharp turning point in the playlist from 'bad and spiraling' to 'desperately clawing my way up' which is how reading the fic felt at a certain point, and this song feels like the perfect tonal shift and has the end-of-a-movie screaming conviction that I want. Its also just so good

Do it Anyways might be the second most important song... third most important? on this fanmix. The frantic, panicky music matched with the unwavering conviction to improvement is so unmatched honestly and if we're talking about how hard it is to be your best when you feel your worst, oh my god. Read the fic, listen at 2:44 and meet me back here and there's nothing else I even need to say

Absolute Lithops Effect.... I tricked you, this is also a mountain goats song :) its a cover though so I'm not counting it.

This is one of the most beautiful songs about hope for the future and growth that I know its very important to me. The title of the playlist comes from this song. Here's what you need to know about it:

Lithops are these:

They grow so slowly they don't look like they're growing at all. But they are.

Love Love Love: Ugh don't talk to me about love love love. I'm not going to explain how this connects to the fic. It does, I'm right. There's nothing I can say about this that can't be said better by Mr. Mountain Goats himself:

"The point of the song is, you know, that we are fairly well damaged by the legacy of the Romantic poets--that we think of love as this, you know, thing that is accompanied by strings and it's a force for good, and if something bad happens then that's not love. And the therapeutic tradition that I come from--I used to work in therapy--you know, also says that it's not love if it feels bad. I don't know so much about that. I don't know that the Greeks weren't right. I think they were--that love can eat a path through everything--that it will destroy a lot of things on the way to its own objective, which is just its expression of itself, you know. I mean, my stepfather loved his family, right? Now he mistreated us terribly quite often, but he loved us. And, you know, well, that to me is something worth commenting on in the hopes of undoing a lot of what I perceive as terrible damage in the way people talk about this--love is this benign, comfortable force. It's not that. It's wild, you know?" — NPR interview with Linda Wertheimer, 14 May 2005

Metamorphosis: okay this one I added to make myself laugh but I also stand by it thematically

SUPERBLOOM: Don't we all deserve a little celebration for the hard work we do?

Anyways this is my fanmix, if you read to here I love you and you're welcome for all the mountain goats songs I peeled off of here that I didn't even tell you about. I didn't even put heel turn 2 on here. Whoops ok now i've told you about that one.

[mrsnancywheeler]

hiii omg so sorry i haven't been in your inbox! finals have been sweeping me away, but i've been lurking 👁️👁️ ok so i was listening to my playlists and had some #thoughts, so I shall share them to make up for the time i was gone 🤝😎 ----- I Want to Write You a Song - One Direction

I want to lend you my coat One that's as soft as your cheek So when the world is cold You'll have a hiding place you can go I want to lend you my coat Everything I need I get from you Givin' back is all I wanna do (…) I want to write you a song One to make your heart remember me So any time I'm gone You can listen to my voice and sing along I'm such 1D trash 😭😭 But this was on my yearning playlist (lmao) and I was thinking about how Finnick would 1000% write this song for his sweet girl. Like this is such a simp song (respectfully) and we all know Finnick is so in love with her its SICK ----- In Agreement - Lizzy McAlpine I talk to my friends about you Pretty sure they're tired of hearin' it I say "I met a guy, and he treats me real nice" Which is good for a change I talk to my friends about you And I think they agree my exes weren't always great And I don't really buy into fate But you tell me I'm pretty And you don't ask for too much 'Cause you know and I know That promises sometimes can hurt When it's barely begun And I don't want this to fall through Collapsing is what I'm used to But we're all in agreement This is something I should hold onto (another song on my yearning playlist LMAO) but this is very much sweet girl coded #idk bc this is definitely her inner monologue when she first meets Finnick and they start dating 😭😭😭 AND WITH THAT IN MIND, IT MAKES THE LYRIC "'Cause you know and I know that promises sometimes can hurt when it's barely begun, and I don't want this to fall through. Collapsing is what I'm used to" HURTTTT ----- girl i've always been - Olivia Rodrigo *just the entire song*

No like, walk with me here 🚶‍♀️ because this is definitey something that could've been written by Billy's muse HOWEVER, it can be either about Billy OR, OR!! Eddie. Do we see the vision👁️👁️. For Billy, it's written from the pov of a reader who has a lil kick to her, who's done being the doormat and rips into him after he disrespects her and he's all like "???" For Eddie, it's more from the perspective of a reader who is always gonna pick Billy over Eddie. And she told him this many times. Yet, he still pursues her. And yet, he still get's upset that she always picks Billy. His intentions aren't coming from a good place. Like that one blurb you did about Eddie not being a fully good guy, y'know? I'm not good at explaining things so I hope I'm making sense LMAO ----- BACK TO FINNICK AND HIS SWEET GIRL! Block Me Out - Gracie Abrams

Now I only let me down When there's no one else around I've been thinkin' way too loud I wish that I could block me out I wish that I could block me out, out I think I'm burnin' alive, but nobody sees the fire 'Cause when I open my mouth, I seem to be stuck in silence And I thought of leaving tonight, but I couldn't drive this tired Plus, after all of this time, I should be a pretty crier (😭!!) Wish I were heavier now, I'm floating outside my body It's not their fault, but I've found that none of my friends will call me Until I'm left to myself, it's honestly kind of funny How every voice in my head is trying its best to haunt me This is another sweet girl coded song. This could deffo be applied to her after her games and after she's rescued from the Capitol :(((( ----- Finishing off with a bit of Miss Swift, this one part of Delicate reminds me of Finnick's sweet girl in the last couple of chapters: This ain't for the best My reputation's never been worse, so You must like me for me Where she's finally letting Finn back in and allowing herself to be comfortable with him :') Also, some its and bits of Marjorie also remind me of this fic when I think about it from two perspectives:

The autumn chill that wakes me up You loved the amber skies so much Long limbs and frozen swims You'd always go past where our feet could touch And I complained the whole way there The car ride back and up the stairs I should've asked you questions I should've asked you how to be Asked you to write it down for me Should've kept every grocery store receipt

If I didn't know better I'd think you were still around I know better But I still feel you all around I know better But you're still around

One being Finnick when he's missing the reader while he's in 13 and she's at the Capitol :( (Sometime I remember that part in Chapter 1 of The River where he smells peaches in his oatmeal and starts breaking breaking down, and I cry 🥲) But the other one being the reader thinking about Conway. Even though he tried to kill her, she still reminisces about the best parts of her friendship and can't help but feel the guilt and regret whenever she does. ------ OK HEHE THOSE ARE MY #THOUGHTS 💆‍♀️ I didn't realize how long it's been since i've been in your inbox and it's been WAY TOO LONG! never again 🫡 I love yapping about these things and I love hearing your thoughts about it!! Also, apologies in advance for when Tortured Poets Department comes out bc it'll be the biggest yap session ever once I make a connection between Finnick/Billy and any of the songs -🦅

AAAAAAA POOKIE I CALLED AND YOU CAME ILY 😭😭😭🥺🥺🥺🥺💋💋💋💋

(sorry this took so long to get to I get so easily distracted and there's an to get through)

you're all good pookie, I hope finals are going good and that you're taking care of yourself babes 💕

finnick odair the type of man to make you a mixtape that's kinda messy and done wrong but you don't care because he's so sweet and you can hear him talking and all the songs that make him think of you, he's such a simp, and so adorable

justice for finnick's sweet girl. she really had so much hope, felt so loved, so in love and had it all torn away from her. she's so giddy to be perceived by someone especially finnick odair and just addicted to him

billy's muse getting annoyed with eddie and giving daisy some lyrics about eddie instead this time bc she's so done with the way he's always being so sweet and comforting and lovey dovey and then trying to convince her to leave billy for him even though she's told him from the start she wouldn't, and he makes her feel so selfish, and cold for it. but "now you're on my case, how could I go? you never dreamed I'd be so cold and, then with venom on your tounge you ask me who I have become" honestly in this case I think billy would love the song because it validates that she'll always pick him, that eddie, although he's a nusciance, isn't a real threat and never had been.

and eddie gets annoyed for a good while and is pissy about it, which is painful for muse because she feels like she's got no one when her and billy argue. but eddie comes crawling back trying to win her over again regardless of how clear she's made it that he never stood a fighting chance.

SIDE NOTE: this song also makes me think of conway and sweet girl especially in that moment during their games when he's realizing everything and says she's changed which she denies. "so don't say that I've been acting different, I'm nothing if I'm not consistent" "I got wrapped up in the game again and you woke up in an empty bed, and I can't say I'm a perfect ten, but I am the girl I've always been"

aaaaa finnick's sweet girl, my poor tortured baby. the crying, the destructing when left with her thoughts, the death wishes, the silent cries for help that really aren't that silent, I want to hold her so bad

and for delicate, finnick's anxiety about not knowing what's not enough and too much for his sweet girl, where is the line? "is it cool that I said all that? is it chill that you're in my head? cause I know that it's delicate."

finnick thinking about how he should've done more, should have paid more attention even though he has her memorized, that somehow he should have savored every moment with her because he can't bear being without her. and the guilt because he wishes he'd supported her more, helped her heal more, he lies awake thinking about how he should've convinced her that life was worth living, that she was worth it because he has no idea what's happening to her now.

AND her thinking about conway, how she should've really paid attention to each tiny detail of their life before the games, each smile, joke, laugh, every damn moment before she destroyed it all. before snow destroyed it all. and she does see him everywhere and try not to break down, the beach they used to play on, the alleys they used to hide in to chat endlessly, their favorite field, favorite swimming hole, everything and it just makes her grieve.

I LOVE YOU POOKIE AND MISSED YOU 😭😭❤️❤️

SO REAL AND PLEASE SO I'M SO SO EXCITED FOR THE ALBUM AND I'M ALREADY SEARCHING FOR CONNECTIONS (billy and his muse as my boy only breaks his favorite toys, but daddy I love him, I can fix him (no really I can) I can do it with a broken heart)

[keithwinters]

prompt from here! I just did... all of them bc I can't help myself tucking this under a cut to save space

What memory would your OC rather just forget? one that I can't share yet in case it comes up, but it was when he was a young teen. he still has nightmares over it. he wants to forget the sight, but also feels like maybe he should be haunted by it forever

What's something about your OC that people wouldn't expect just from looking at them? he likes math a lot... as well as sewing, cooking, little crafts of assorted kinds (you have to be so talented to make things so small!! he could never!!) he also really likes singing but is Too Shy

What is your OC's fatal flaw? Are they aware of this flaw? he holds himself to an incredibly unreasonable standard and is very harsh with himself when he inevitably falls short. he knows the virtues of love but also recognizes he doesn't love himself. it's something he's been circling around working on but makes very little progress on

When scared, does your OC fight, flee, freeze or fawn? it depends on the situation! most times nowadays he'll fight. he's scared but that's because there's a threat and he needs to protect his loved ones. he would also fight much earlier on in life but he managed to shift that to freezing/fawning as he got older. less of a problem (in his eyes) that way

How far is your OC willing to go to get what they want? he will break himself but (for the post part) never others, no matter how much he wants something

How easily could your OC be convinced to do something that goes against their moral compass? well he's killed people so. maybe concerningly less than he would have hoped?? something he's definitely been thinking about

What's one way your OC has changed since you first came up with them? he's much more of a softie carebear than I initially intended! he was always a doting/overprotective older brother, but as we played it just felt right to have him be more openly loving/emotional. it's meant to tie in with his efforts to be better at communicating, plus the curse of thinking of 1000 things you wanted to say to someone you can't ever see again also the wrestling stuff came a little later on and I love it so so much lol

Would your OC ostensibly be able to get away with murder? I would say so, yeah :> hee hoo ok but on Earth? ...maybe also yes. he does take after his mom a lot

Do you have a specific lyric or quote which you associate with your OC? too many. god. here's some bangers I don't think I've shared yet: "Oh devil, I made my own hell; And deep inside I'm sure I got here all by myself" - Oh Devil, Electric Guest "Til I'm bloody and bruised, till I've broken my bones; Til I won't be abused; Til I'm laughing alone" - I'm Gonna Win, Rob Cantor "I take your hand, now you'll never be lonely; Not when I'm home, sweet home" Mother, I'm Here, Darren Korb and OFC "Heartaches by the number, trouble by the score; Everyday you love me less, each day I love you more." Heartaches by the Number, Guy Mitchell

What's an AU that would be interesting to explore with your OC? I don't know enough about it to theorycraft or anything, but I think he would thrive in Monster Hunter... wrastling big beasties and cooking forever

What is your OC's weapon of choice? Have they ever actually used it? His fists!! and yes!! he's also used a hunting rifle, but that was years ago and he did not care for it at all. he very specifically refuses to use weapons for fighting because of one line of thought that might maybe come up in-game so. I shant say it.

Is your OC self-destructive? In what ways? god. yes. aside from his self-sabotage in general, he physically picks at himself when nervous and has the bad habit of leaving wounds unattended/aggravating them bc pain is the best teacher/reminder and he needs to Be Better

If you met your OC, would the two of you get along? I might bully him. sorry bb

How does your OC want to be seen by other characters? ok this is a BIG THING for him. and I feel silly saying it plain like this but- he wants to be seen as himself! not someone's idea of him, or as someone else, just. him. but if you asked him this question, he'd say he wants to be seen as helpful. useful. he wouldn't say, but think- to be seen as kind. warm. but again, useful. loveable.

Does your OC have a faceclaim? If so, who? nope! in an effort to not just leave it at that tho- when I make characters I focus on a couple specific traits/ features and then work outwards from there, so I have troubles finding faceclaims that have the same characteristics

What is your OC's pain tolerance like? pretty good! he's naturally pretty durable but it's also something he's put effort into maybe a weird amount of effort but like. it's all a part of being a better fighter, right? and! not worrying people!

What is the worst thing you have put your OC through story-wise? ripping him away from his family :> but honestly maybe that's not the worst, he's had a lot of good things come of that after all...maybe it'd be the other thing

Is your OC more cold and detached or up close and personal? Keith can try as hard as he can to be as cold and detached and intimidating as he may (occasionally) want, but he's cursed to be an affectionate puppy in the form of a man

How does your OC behave when enraged? seething. violent. but it takes so so so much to get him to "enraged" and he'd much rather keep it that way

Does your OC have a tendency to get jealous? If so, how does this manifest? with relationships, he's moreso clingy than jealous. if he's with someone, he trusts them full-stop. he wants attention, sure, but he doesn't view it as someone else getting attention he wants or should be for him. it's just a matter of if he's getting any or not. it's another facet of his tendency to think of himself as the problem in most things. similarly, while it might occasionally crop up (he's not immune to jealousy after all), it's sort of rare for him to be jealous of someone's status or stuff or... anything

Does your OC have any illnesses or disorders? How do they handle it? he's allergic to dogs and had to be dragged away from them many many times as a kid. he's also been in therapy for years (with good progress!) for PTSD, survivor's guilt, anxiety, and depression

What character alignment would you consider your OC to be? good! maybe neutral good? he'll go against law and order if he thinks it will ultimately help others

What emotion is the hardest for your OC to process? How about express? his anger. depending on his age it either took him over or he swallowed it completely. It's ok for others to be angry, to feel those feelings and deal with them... but never him. it's something to swallow, to break down and sand off

What is an alternative life path your OC might have gone down? How different would their life be if they'd made those decisions? if he never got isekai'd, he would...probably end up taking over the family store as intended and just existing. maybe he'd succeed in doing so and coast, maybe he'd have to sell it in the end and get a different job. but he was not thriving and had no idea of how to start doing so, and his family is not quite aware of the level he was at with that (although Sam got close). it's weird to say and incredibly hard for him to think about but this really was overall a positive change in his life.

What is your favorite thing about your OC? his whore eyelashes and big eyebrows

(I had to start a new block bc this was too long oh god oh jesus) how emotional he is. again, I didn't super intend for that to be the case, but I guess after playing a very deliberately UNemotive character for so long it was meant to be lol I love drawing and imagining all the dumbass faces he pulls!! he's my little guy!!!

[burndownyourparade]

Dabi x Reader - Crossed My Heart

This literally had zero direction. It’s my first reader insert piece and it has nothing to do with the Olivia Rodrigo song, the lyric was mainly used as a loose prompt inspiration. It’s also been a long as heck time since I’ve sat down and really written anything so oof. But, I do plan on writing some more drabbles here and there. I’ve got Dabi/Touya brain rot bad. So expect a lot of him.

You used me as an alibi. I crossed my heart as you crossed the line.

pairing: dabi x reader (gender not specified)

length: 2k words

genre: angst, fluff if you squint real hard

warnings: mentions of death, the burning at sekoto peak. nothing detailed.

You’d been there. You had watched him go up in flames. The beautiful bright blue dancing across your eyes and you knew you’d never see him again. He’d be lost to you forever, but you promised.

And you were willing to do anything for him. Even if it meant breaking your own heart. 

So when you’d sit up at Sekoto Peak every year after his disappearancedeath you’d curse his name. Curse him for leaving you behind, for not coming back to you. Not even a single sign of if he was okay.. If he was still out there. 

When you’d seen this new villain on the news, just a few years ago, you had an inkling. A thought that maybe it had been him. He talked big about getting back at his father. Dishing back out everything he’d had to endure as a child. And at age 15 when you encouraged him, you never thought it would come to this. 

So today, when you sat up at Sekoto Peak, ten years after the incident, the spiteful, “Fuck you, Touya.” That left your lips didn’t go unheard. 

In all honesty he’d planned on coming clean. He had planned on coming back to you. After all, you were the only person who really meant anything to him. But then he got way too involved with Stain’s cause and the league, there was no way he was going to risk putting you in any danger. If that meant having to write you off, then so be it. 

Eventually you’d find out that Dabi was Touya, eventually you’d know that he was still alive after all these years. No more doubt would cloud your mind, but he had a feeling you’d come to hate him for waiting so goddamn long. 

It was when he’d heard his name, the anger dripping from your sweet voice that had him moving his feet towards you. He wasn’t planning to reveal himself, but he needed to at least try redeeming himself before even thinking of continuing his plan to bring down Endeavor. None of it would have meant anything if he couldn’t come back to you. If he wasn’t going to be able to run away with you like the two of you had planned.

“You have to promise you won’t tell anyone about this.” Touya held your hands in his, begging you. He was tired and run down. Bandages wrapped around his arms from his most recent burns. He didn’t know how he was going to do it. But he was going to fake his death. He was going to run away. 

You stared at him, wide eyed and reluctantly nodded your head to his plea. “Will I see you again?” The fear was evident in your voice and if that quiver didn’t give you away, then the way that your hands shook in his would. The tears in your eyes blurred your vision, but you could still see him. You could see his messy white hair fall into his bright blue eyes. You could see the bruise that was forming under the left eye, no doubt a result of training. And you wondered if this was his only solution. If this was really the only way that he’d be able to outrun this.

He could practically feel the pain reverberating off of you, it bounced off of him too. He didn’t want to leave you. But he had no other choice. He was trapped and all he wanted was to make something of himself. To prove to his father and everyone around him that he wasn’t worthless, he wasn’t a lost cause. He could do it, too. He was powerful just like Shoto. 

Touya was torn, he knew that this hurt you… Leaving you hurt him too, even if you couldn’t see it. Even if he was acting selfishly. “Of course.” He nodded, snow white hair moving wildly with the frantic nodding of his head. “I’ll come back for you and we’ll run away.” He promised, you could see the makings of a plan in his head. The way that his eyes moved when he was deep in thought, “We can start a life together. Build a house and adopt all the cats and dogs you want!” His hands moved to your shoulders, shaking you lightly with excitement before pulling you into him. His arms wrapping around you tightly.

He never cried in front of you, but today was different. He didn’t know when he’d see you after today, but he did know he refused to break his promise to you. A single tear slipped down his cheek.

“I love you, Touya.” You murmured into his shirt, breathing him in. If this was the last time in a while, then you were going to make the most of it. You tilted your head, looking up at him. Sadness washing over you and feeling your own tears begin to slip. You leaned up on your toes, pressing a soft kiss to the corner of his mouth and felt the way his lips turned upwards in a soft smile. An almost dreamy looking flashing across his face. 

“I love you too, (y/n)... I’ll come back for you, I swear.” His hands shifted again, this time to cup your cheeks and bring your lips to his. This kiss was soft and sweet, not unlike ones you’ve shared before but there was a sense of urgency to this one. Almost like he had been trying to convey every single thing he felt for you in this brief moment. He didn’t want to pull away, but when he did he felt your hands tighten around the fabric of his shirt. Just barely hearing your whisper begging him not to go, but he shook his head, gently moving your hands to take a step back from you.

“Please don’t watch…” Touya asked, giving you a gentle shove away from him. “Once you see my flames run… Run and tell someone about the fire and then go home. I’ll see you again soon, I promise.”

You bit your lip and nodded your head, running a safe distance away into the trees. Waiting to watch his flames burn around him. You stuck around a little longer than he’d asked you to, only to make sure that he was safe… That he was still okay. But you couldn’t make out anything other than the heat and Touya’s screams. 

At fifteen your heart shouldn’t have shattered that hard.

He didn’t know how you’d react to this. Hell, he didn’t even know what he was doing. Dabi had never planned on this. He was merely moving on pure emotion now. On things he thought he had forgotten, but when it came to you he was always weak. The only reason his resolve had even broken in the first place was because of how angry you sounded. The villain hated the thought of him becoming nothing to you. Ironic, when he was practically nothing to everyone else.

You stood in the same place where you both had parted ten years ago and he was quietly standing just a few feet behind you. He was uncertain of if he should reach out to you or just turn and run, was this even a good idea? But his feet wouldn’t stop and then his mouth started moving and before he knew it, he was speaking. 

“This Touya guy must have really fucked up, huh?” He cringed, ten years and this was the first thing he was saying to you? Ideally, in his head, whatever he’d dreamt up in his spare time was grandiose plans of sweeping you off your feet. He’d be done with the league, ready to pack up and start brand new. He’d have taken down Endeavor’s credibility and shattered Enji’s entire world. Yeah, that son of his who wasn’t going to amount to anything? He was something now. He was his greatest nightmare and deepest failure. And the consequences of his actions were coming back to bite him in the ass. Then, he’d be there for you. In the night he’d have found you, confessed his deepest feelings and that nothing had changed. Then you’d run away like he promised.

Your fists clenched at your sides, you recognized that voice, of course you did. How wouldn’t you when his promise haunted your dreams every night? His voice was a little deeper, raspier, richer. And for a moment, you hesitated in turning to face him, but when you did you couldn’t stop the way that your heart picked up pace. It was him, in the flesh, Touya was here. But he wasn’t Touya anymore… Not on the outside.

“Yeah, he’s a fucking asshole.” You played along with him. Both of you knew this was just a game, testing the waters to see if anything had really changed. “Promised he’d come back for me, but never showed up.” There was a smile on your face now, a sad one and Dabi felt his heart clench in his chest when he saw it. “Waited ten years for him.” You pressed, watching his reactions.

He deflated, he didn’t have an excuse. He could have come to you sooner and he knew that his whole keeping you safe excuse was bullshit. Dabi was just afraid. He was afraid of what you’d think when you saw him again. Dabi wasn’t Touya. He didn’t look like the boy you’d fallen in love with before. Smooth, pale skin was now rough and charred, the white hair with tufts of red now dyed black and coarse from the years of mistreatment. “I’m sorry.” Was all he could say.

“You could have come to me.” Your voice was soft and he knew that you were hurt. “Why didn’t you come back for me?” The way that your voice cracked made his heart break. He prided himself on being hard, on not allowing himself to feel petty emotions anymore, but unbeknownst to his comrades; you’d always be the only exception.

He was honest with you, “I was afraid.” And it was the first time in ten years that he’d been vulnerable, he was almost ready to run off with you. Dabi was ready to give up on his revenge plot against Endeavor, he just wanted to run away with you. To be just (y/n) and Touya.

“Of what?” You asked, nearly breathless and unbelieving. There was nothing he had to worry about. It didn’t matter who he was now or what he was doing. He would always be Touya to you. A boy who suffered more than he should have. The boy that you were ready to drop everything and run off with. The only boy you had ever loved and would ever love.

“I’m not the same.” He looked at you, uncertain. He still hadn’t gotten any closer to you and his hands twitched with anticipation. It had been so long since he’s held you. Dabi wanted to close the distance, to pull you into him and feel whole again.

“You’re still you.” You countered, shaking your head. You weren’t about to give the villain any room for excuses. He was still him and that’s all he’d ever be to you. You knew that he knew that. 

“I’m sorry.” He repeated, this time Dabi took a step closer to you. Carefully watching your movements, gauging on if he could move any closer. When there wasn’t any move on your part to shift away from him he took another step. And another.. Another, another, until he was wrapping his arms around your waist, pulling you into him. His lips gently touch the crown of your head, inhaling your scent. “Run away with me.”

You returned his touch almost immediately, arms wrapping around his thin middle. Melting into him and letting out a sob of relief, you were home again. “I thought you’d never ask.”

[munku-collar]

I would very much appreciate an analysis of the reasoning and song placements for you Macavity playlist whenever you get the opportunity.

- Signed, a big fat music nerd

Putting this guy under a cut cuz it'll be long! I'm just going brief with these but if there's one in particular you want a deeper look at I can def do that. Also I didn't proofread this before posting so i'm sorry for any typos ksjdbgksbdg

Dead Souls- It's a combination of the title and sound for this one. It kind of encapsulates that cool guy vibe that he was born with, that Tugger was born with too. Kind of slow, steady and strong. It covers his general essence, the sort of beat of his heart if you will, and then the lyrics speak to his loneliness as a child and the allure of giving into his worst impulses. He's just lost, looking for support which he unfortunately doesn't find.

How Soon Is Now?- Same idea here. He's left the tribe, he's on his own and every bit of positivity has disappeared. He's hopeless and tired of feeling "other" and not getting what he feels he deserves from those around him so focuses on building an empire instead, exploring crime and taking what he wants, because it won't be given to him. Essentially, he's tired of waiting and tired of trying to make things work at home. "I've already waited too long," if you catch my drift. And "I am human and I need to be loved," is self explanatory: All he wanted was to be accepted for who he was, and that wasn't happening, so he left.

Hungry Like The Wolf- He's hungry. He's hungry for power, for fame, and unbeknownst to him until he lays eyes on Demeter, love. He's ignored that bit for a while now and focused on taking things to fill the void instead, but when he meets her he's just blindsided with this desperation to have her. He's determined, and at this point he is quite a hunter. He knows how to read people, how to break them apart, to get what he wants. She doesn't make it easy. Honestly she makes it a little hard for him to think straight, and always does. He feels like a beast chasing after her, and luckily for him, he catches her.

Candyman- Demeter has fallen for his charms and for the bits of him that are still, whether he admits it or not, Jellicle. She's intrigued by him and has no idea of what she's going to endure by letting herself fall into his arms. And he has no intention of hurting her, never does, but to any bystander it's clear that he's dangerous, and that things won't end well. He can't help his nature, and she can't change it.

Don't Fear The Reaper- Whether he admits it or not, he's a reaper, and she starts to understand that, at least a little, but it doesn't bother her. They come to know each other better, shared their experiences and pain and believe they're a true match. They've been hurt and lonely and turn from strangers to "us against the world," or and naively think that they'll always be together. He hasn't fallen yet, but he will.

The Same Deep Water As You- He is at his core, really a sad figure. He thought Demeter would fill the void, and she does fill some of it, but not all, and in the quiet hours of the night between heists and fights and celebrations of his power, he crumbles in her arms and clings to her. But they're both starting to realize that maybe it's not for the best. Maybe they're not what each other really needs, and he hates that idea. It's her, or nothing, he thinks. He'll be damned if he lets her go.

The Killing Moon- This is really the shift. He's killed others now, and finds more joy in violence than anything, excepting Demeter's company. It's a kind of latent realization on Demeter's part of what she's gotten herself into, and how nothing she could have done would've let her avoid any of this. She's disgusted, and somewhat terrified, but knows that he won't let her go, and she still loves him despite it all. It's a cruel twist of fate. He's determined to keep her, reminiscing on their meeting and how he fell in love with her. Honestly the memory of it is sweeter than being with her now, and it's killing them both.

The Promise- She keeps distancing herself from him, and he keeps trying to get closer. He's given her so many promises, but at this point, they don't matter anymore. It's really upsetting, to see what they've become, and part of him knows it's his fault. He feels guilty for it, but he can't stop doing what he does, because he doesn't know how. Who is he without power, without bending others to heel? A scared, damaged tom, and that's worse than anything. He can't face his own reflection in the mirror, and that's his, and their, downfall.

Monsters- He's angry at her, she's angry at him, though they won't show it to each other. But he's not an idiot. He can see how her soft gazes have turned hard, how she doesn't lean into his touch anymore, and she watches him grow more violent day by day, until he well and truly is a monster. His frustration at her turns into frustration at everyone else, and finding new ways to be cruel to his enemies, and even his subordinates, is the only way he can redirect the pain it's causing him. But they're still hanging on by a thread. She's too scared to leave, and he's scared of her leaving. But there's no saving it, even if she cares about him and always will.

Vantablack- His romantic gestures used to delight her, comfort her, but now any attempt from him just makes her feel dread. It absolutely ruins him that she's not comfortable with him anymore, and when he tries to make things like they were, it's useless. He's let too much darkness consume him, and he can't hold on to her anymore. It makes him insanely angry, and he lashes out at others twice as hard as a result. He blames her for it all too, when she runs away, and leaves him all alone.

Not Just A Name- He really thought she was his match, that she was the one cat who understood him and wouldn't let him down. She made him believe that things could be good, that he could find happiness, but he didn't realize just how much of himself he would have to change for that to happen. He refused to change, couldn't bring himself to, and instead surrendered to his worst impulses, and now she's run from him. He wasn't who she thought he was, and she clearly didn't know him as well as he thought she did, and quite frankly, he's just hurt. (Even if it was all his fault, he doesn't see it that way.) "Made me someone I wasn't, it's not just a name." He didn't, and can't, meet her expectations, or be what she needs, and that might be the only thing he's ever experienced that really breaks his heart. And she won't ever give him another chance.

The Less I Know The Better- He tells himself he doesn't need her, that he doesn't want her back. He tells himself he couldn't care less if she rots out there on the streets without him, but really, he still cares. He still wants her. He's haunted by her absence, and wants nothing more than her at his side again. She really was the last tie to his humanity, his morality, and he's lost without her. He'll beg for her, if he has to. He needs her back, but she's moved on, and ironically, was pushed into his brother's arms.

Loner- He constantly flips between thinking of stealing Demeter back or burning everything to the ground. He steals and fights and commits crimes just because he can, just because there's nothing else to do, or feel, without her. He's entirely closed off. When she was there, one of his henchcats could sometimes ask him questions or have somewhat easy conversation with him, but nowadays that's an impossibility. He has completely put on a mask and only barks out orders, reprimands, or toys with others to pass the time. He's just this angry, lonely figure. He hardly feels like a person at this point. Without Demeter, he has no direction, and no connections.

Gimme Shelter- The more time passes, and the more he realizes he can't get Demeter back, the worse he gets. He's intentionally nefarious at this point, and hateful. He resents her too, even though he still loves her. If he ever gets his paws on her, he isn't sure if he'll caress her or choke her. It's a bitter, cruel world, he has remembered, and the only way to survive it is to be crueler than everyone else around you.

I'm So Afraid- He truly feels as if he's been alone his entire life, and loneliness is the root of his problems. He felt lonely and misunderstood as a child, driven away. He feels lonely without Demeter, without her love. Really, if he tried hard enough, he could come back from his darkness, maybe try to find a new life, repent for his mistakes, but he's too scared. He's afraid of losing himself, knows he already has, honestly, and there's nothing to do about it. Macavity is big and strong and clever and intelligent but underneath all that he's always just been terrified of emotions, of abandonment, and of himself, and whatever bits of him that are Jellicle, burried deep down, are disappointed, and it kills him. He hates that he still has those feelings, and wants to drown them, or lock them away forever. He'd rather feel emptiness than any of this anymore.

Lord Of This World- At this point his name is beyond infamous. No one remembers the more tender parts of him, and no one relates to him. He's been branded a villain, by everyone, and so assumes the role with a sick sense of pride. He knows he's not to blame for how he is, no matter what the others say, and won't let them judge him. He's in charge. He is a stronger, better leader than his old tribe could ever have, and this is his world. He bears that burden alone, but believes it was always his to bear, just like it was his burden to fall in love with Demeter and endure so much suffering for her kiss on his lips.

Double Dare- He invites his old tribe and in fact everyone around him to self reflect. They're not blameless, they're not better than him, and they're not as strong as him. They haven't survived what he has, haven't built something from nothing, haven't overcome his odds. He thinks everyone around him is weak, even Demeter, for not sticking by him He's angry at her for being with the Jellicles, and believes they've killed the stronger bits in her, the twinge of darkness that she also had, and allowed them to be miserable together. He won't be fooled, won't be changed, even at the cost of her, now. Either she'll be brave enough to come back to him, like he believes she should, because she was made for him, or he is truly the only brave cat in the world. And if that's the case? Then so be it.

-------

So yeah. This man is fucking delusional. Yes, he had a rough start to life, but it was his own arrogance and fear that prevented him from becoming a better person or adjusting. He turned to dark coping mechanisms instead, and ended up ruining the only positive relationship he's ever formed for the sake of remaining comfortable. If he wasn't so frightened of judgment and change, things could have gone very differently. But nope. Now he's hated by everyone, including the object of his affections, and he'll be sitting alone atop the cold throne he built for the rest of his life. He's really just driven by impulse and desire, despite his masterful approach to crime. It's an interesting juxtaposition. Someone so powerful and intelligent is really just constantly pushed and pulled by his emotions. He's one second from spiraling out of control at all times, and that's what makes him really dangerous more than anything.

[newtsies]

When I Was Your Man || A Ralbert One Shot

a/n - hello! so basically this one shot is a College Newsies AU where Racetrack and Albert broke up and Race started dating Spot :'). it's about ralbert though?? so it's like- okay its from alberts POV and it's based on When I Was Your Man so yeah :D (all lyrics from the song will be in bold and italicized),, i'll only be writing the chorus once <3

also i didnt edit this cuz its late and IM TIRED SO sorry if it sucks lol

tw('s) - cussing

same bed but it feels just a little bit bigger now

Albert didn't sleep well at night, if he even slept at all. His bed was empty. The same bed that he had slept in since the beginning of college. But it wasn't his bed, it was their bed. At least, it used to be theirs. Now, it was just his, but he couldn't accept that it was only his.

But at one point, it was theirs. Him and Racetrack, it was once their bed. Even if it was only his, Albert could swear that Race's body was still outlined in the cushion of his bed.

The bed used to be so small, too small for the two of them. They cuddled together to keep each other from falling off. But now it was huge. He had no-one to roll over to in the morning, he was alone.

He couldn't even sleep on the right side of the bed. That was Race's side. Even if Race hadn't slept on the bed for a long time, even if he would never sleep on the bed again. That was his side, not Alberts.

And often times he would lay awake in bed, staring at the ceiling. He would reach over to the right for his boyfriends- ex-boyfriends hand. But it wasn't there. He reached over and was met with sheets and pillows.

So he didn't sleep, because he had no-one to sleep with and his bed was too big to sleep in. And he stayed awake until the next morning when he got into his car and drove from his apartment to the school.

Not even in his car did he get peace. It wasn't his car, it was Race's car. Race had picked it out, he liked the color. And it smelled like Race's cologne and it held memories of Race in each dent of the leather seats.

So he sold the car. He got a new car, his own car. But even with the smell of Race gone, with his memories in the seats gone. The radio in the new car betrayed Albert.

our song on the radio but it don't sound the same

The car radio had one station, and Albert could swear that the station only had one playlist they played each day. Because every day, and it never missed one day, it would play their song. The song they first danced to. So Albert turned off the radio, and he never turned it on. Even when friends begged him to play music, the radio staid off and he played music from his quiet phone.

Every day, Albert showed up to school exhausted. He nearly passed out in class. Lunch was the only time he ever slept. Everyone assumed he didn't get sleep due to his hard classes, which couldn't be farther from the truth. He didn't do his work. He couldn't pay attention in class, not with Race there.

when our friends talk about you, all it does is just tear me down

"You really lucked out being with him, Al," Jack said.

Romeo agreed and added onto the comment, "Kelly's right. He's gorgeous. And a genius too. Too smart for his own good."

Albert raised his head from his arms with a desperately sad look. He sighed and shook his head, "I told you guys. I know we broke up a while ago, but it still hurts, okay?" He rested his head back into his arms and closed his eyes tightly. His heart ached with every comment. He knew Race was gorgeous. He knew Race was a genius. He knew so much about him, yet he didn't know him enough to keep him happy.

"Sorry, man. Forgot," Jack mumbled. Romeo muttered something of an apology and scratched at his neck.

"I know you hate school activities," Romeo started, "But you should come to the party tonight. Dance a little, I think it'll cheer you up."

Albert sighed and tried not to think about why dancing would be hard for him. He looked up and pushed his hair out of his face, "I'll come."

'cause my heart breaks a little when i hear your name

"Race!" Spot called from the couch. The music boomed and Spots voice was quiet, but Albert heard the name anyways. He immediately turned to the boy.

Spot grinned as Race made his way over to him. Race plopped into his lap and smiled back as he hugged the boy. Alberts eyes widened and his chest ached.

Even just hearing Race's name hurt Albert, brought back a wave of memories. Each yell of Race's name when he did something dumb, each fond laugh of the name when he complimented him, each whine of Racetrack's name when he bugged Albert too much. He missed it all.

it all just sounds like ooh, ooh, hoo

Jack and Romeo were definitely talking to Albert, but he couldn't hear anything they were saying. The music sounded like gibberish and he couldn't think. All he could do was stare at the couple on the couch and ache at the sight.

mm, too young, too dumb to realize, that i should have bought you flowers

Albert watched as Race giggled at the flower Spot offered him. Spot smiled and put the small yellow flower behind Race's ear. The stem stuck between his ear and his head whilst the bud pointed outwards.

The years that they dated, Albert and Race were young and naive. He didn't know how to be romantic or how to make Race happy. No matter how hard he tried.

"I should've bought him flowers," He sighed. Jack and Romeo shared a knowing glance before pushing Albert to sit down on the couch.

and held your hand

"I mean," Albert continued, "I was too insecure to do anything with him." They didn't even hold hands in public, because Albert was scared. Scared of what society would think.

should have gave you all my hours, when i had the chance

Albert and Race had started dating their first year of college. Albert was constantly busy with classes. He was always doing work and stressing about class.

Anytime Race would make an attempt to spend time with him, he shut it down.

"I'm doing work," He would say, "You should be doing work, too."

He wanted to do well, get a good job, find a good home, start a family. But all of that was dumb. It was pointless. To hell with it all if we didn't get to come back from his job to see Race. Because Race was his home and he didn't want to start a family with anyone else.

take you to every party 'cause all you wanted to do was dance

"Al!" Race would whine and grab at his arm, "Dance with me, please. Just for a little bit."

Albert never did dance with him. No matter how much he asked, he refused to do so. He couldn't, he needed to get good grades. He needed to provide.

"We can dance later," He would say.

The usual response he would get was, "Promise?" But one day, he received a different answer, "There isn't going to be a later. Not for us, Albert."

now my baby's dancing, but he's dancing with another man

Race pulled Spot up from the couch. They smiled as they moved together to the middle of the room. The music vibrated around them as the two danced.

Albert watched from the camp as he shook his leg. He took in a deep and quaking breath before stumbling out of the house. He threw his cup to the side and gulped in a large breath.

my pride, my ego, my needs, and my selfish ways, caused a good strong man like you to walk out my life

"What do you mean their won't be a later for us, Racer?" Albert had asked, finally looking up from his studies.

Race had scoffed, "Oh, of course! That's what gets you to look me in the eye, huh?" He had rolled his eyes, "We're done, Al. I can't do this anymore, can't do us. Okay? You're so god damn selfish. You only do what's best for you. Ever think about what's best for us, huh? Do you ever even think about me?"

"Of course I think about you, Race. You're all I ever think about," Al had stuttered out.

"Sure," Race had laughed sourly, "I just wanted to fucking dance, Albert. You wouldn't even do that with me. I'm leaving." With that, Race had grabbed all of his stuff and walked out of the apartment.

now i never, never get to clean up the mess i made, oh. and that haunts me every time i close my eyes

Albert closed his eyes when he left the house. Their breakup flashed behind his eyelids and he choked out a sob. He fell to his knees on the grass.

"God damnit," He weakly hit the grass beneath him, "I could've fixed it. I could- Could've. But- Spot. I can't fix it anymore."

although it hurts, i'll be the first to say that i was wrong

He shook his head, "Race was right. I never thought about him." And his stomach twisted with that realization.

Albert has thought he was thinking about Race, about their future together. But it was never about Race, it was about him. He needed to good grades, Racer didn't. Everything that happened was his fault, and he knew that.

oh, i know i'm probably much too late, to try and apologize for my mistakes

He took a deep breath before falling back to sit down on the grass. The door opened and a boy with curly blonde hair sat down next to him.

Race gave Albert a sad smile.

"I'm not going to say sorry," Albert started, "Because that won't make up for anything. I was wrong, about everything." Race nodded.

"Al," Race said quietly.

Albert shook his head with a small grin, "Don't. Go get, Spot. Be happy. Go love the boy who you want to see when you get home from long work days, okay? Love him the way I love you." He paused, "Not the way I treated you, but the way I feel about you. I know it didn't seem like it. But I love you."

Race smiled and gave Albert a pat on the cheek, "I loved you too."

That was the sad tragedy of their relationship.

Albert was in love with Race. Race had been in love with Albert.

They loved each other at different times. But Albert could accept the pain of being in love with a boy would didn't love him back, because even though Race was in love with someone else, he was happy. And that's all Albert wanted, because Race deserved to be happy.

[somanysigns-13]

Part 3: Snuggle in and buckle up for a long read. 😬

Reputation 2017 - her final required album with BMR (2014-2017 3 years after 1989)

…Ready For It? (also see cowboy like me on evermore)

* Knew he was a killer first time that I saw him wonder how many girls he had loved and left haunted...Knew the beard (maybe Joe?) was gay; wondered how many girls he had to pretend with?

* But if he’s a ghost then I can be a phantom holdin him for ransom...She can use him to cover her relationship with Karlie (also see New Romantics)

* Some boys are tryin too hard he don’t try at all though younger than my exes but he act like such a man so I see nothing better keep him forever like a vendetta...Some of her beards actually tried to make the relationship legit but he doesn’t try at all, maybe because he is also gay, so she can see staying with him until it’s over

* In the middle of the night, in my dreams you should see the things we do. In the middle of the night in my dreams I know I’m gonna be with you, so I’ll take my time...She knows in the end she will be with Karlie so she’s just going to ride this out

* Knew I was a robber first time that he saw me stealing hearts and runnin off and never saying sorry but if I’m a thief then he can join the heist and we’ll move to an island.... Possible reference to Karlie’s bearding with Josh and him knowing they are together and being part of the whole plan?

* He can be my jailer Burton to this Taylor...Nod to Elizabeth Taylor and her relationship with Richard Burton * Karlie’s middle name is Elizabeth * Burton to this Taylor - Josh will marry Karlie to quiet the rumors of her and Karlie’s relationship therefore he is Taylor’s “jailer” keeping the “cage” in place. Back to that recurring theme..cages..(see so it goes, this is me trying, and cowboy like me)

* Baby let the games begin...Here we go...start of the end game by playing more games

End Game

* I wanna be your endgame I wanna be your first string I wanna be your A-Team... She wants to be able to be public with Karlie and not the “secret”

Could the End Game be them getting through the final years of the BMR contract and possible other contracts (Karlie with Scooter and Josh). Did Taylor possibly sign a 3 album obligation to UMG which is why she busted out 3 albums in 1 year (Lover/folklore/evermore) to make “End Game” “New Year’s Day” 2021? There seems to be a countdown between the years of album releases...1989-reputation (3) rep-lover (2) and lover-folklore/evermore (1)

* Big reputation, big reputation ooh you and me would be a big conversation... If they came out now everyone would really be talking about it even though there are currently rumors

What kind of big conversation would really come of her and Joe Alwyn? Why would being in a heterosexual relationship need to be kept such a secret? What’s so taboo about it? And why would it need to be a secret when the public narrative is that you are in a relationship with him already?

* I hit you like bang we tried to forget it but we just couldn’t...Karlie and Taylor’s chemistry is too much to disregard or act like it was just a temporary thing, they are each other’s lobsters and they couldn’t quit each other.

* And I bury hatchets, but I keep maps of where I put them... She’s going to go along with the plan but she won’t forget who made her have to do it

* And I can’t let you go your handprints on my soul It’s like your eyes are liquor like your body is gold...again Karlie’s astrological sign is Leo and the Leo color is Gold…she’s love drunk on her eyes and she’s left a mark on her forever (see This Love and Dress)

* You’ve been calling my bluff on all my usual tricks so here’s the truth from my red lips...Taylor tries to push Karlie away or talk herself out of her feelings but Karlie calls her on her bullshit

I Did Something Bad

* I never trust a playboy but they love me so I fly ‘em all around the world and I let them think they saved me...Playboy as in boy she uses as her beard (play things for her to use- Don’t Blame Me) they think they can be the one to change/save Taylor (make her straight?) or possibly that by them going along with the plan she owes them something more since they “save” her reputation/career, she pays for all their expenses as her beard

* They never see it comin’ what I do next ...New Romantics; poker ref...she fills them in on the situation?

* This is how the world works you gotta leave before you get left...Foreshadowing her leaving BMR so she doesn’t lose Karlie?

* If he drops my name then I owe him nothin’ and if he spends my change then he had it comin... Did a beard say something he wasn’t supposed to in an interview that went against the NDA contract... Was he taking advantage of Taylor and her money?

* They’re burning all the witches even if you aren’t one they got their pitchforks and proof their receipts and reasons... “Witches” historically were thought to be lesbians (see Salem witch trials - see Willow) Even if you aren’t one - Some of the rumors of her being with her friends other than Karlie (Martha Hunt)...The proof is obviously in the rumors of her and Karlie and possibly Kissgate..and lots of witch references in evermore

* So light me up go ahead and light me up...Acknowledging she’s gay?

Don’t Blame Me

* Don’t blame me, love made me crazy if it doesn’t you ain’t doin’ it right lord save me my drug is my baby I’ll be using for the rest of my life... Don’t blame her for all the crazy things she’s had to do to keep her relationship with Karlie Lord save me - “pray the gay away” type ref

* I’ve been breaking hearts a long time and toying with them older guys just playthings for me to use (see “I Did Something Bad”)...Boys = beards

* For you, I would cross the line I would waste my time I would lose my mind they say she’s gone to far this time... She would give it all up to be with Karlie (see lyrics of evermore)

* My name is whatever you decide and I’m just gonna call you mine I’m insane, but I’m your baby...Reference to Karlie writing her name in the sand wrong or maybe using “James” or another pseudonym like maybe Kayda?

* Echoes of your name inside my mind halo, hiding my obsession I once was poison ivy but now I’m your daisy...

Alleration of Karlie’s name? (Echoes of your name) Halo = Victoria’s Secret Angel.. Poison ivy (see Ivy) Daisy - all the pictures of them with daisies during the Big Sur trip and other

* And baby for you I would fall from grace just to touch your face if you walk away I’d beg you on my knees to stay... She would give it all up and come out if she could ....If Karlie wanted to leave (Victoria secret fashion show “walk away” ref) she would do whatever she had to do to make her stay

Delicate - there’s more lyrics here but you’ll get the point with just a few

* Is it cool that Taylor told Karlie how she felt? She knows their relationship/situation they’re in is delicate

* Echoes of your footsteps on the stairs stay here honey I don’t want to share...She hates that Karlie has to leave and pretend to be with Josh, she gets jealous

* I pretend you’re mine all the damn time...She hates the bearding

So It Goes - all Victoria Secret fashion show refs

* See you in the dark all eyes on you my magician all eyes on us you make everyone disappear ...From Taylor’s perspective - Victoria secret fashion show interactions - usually all eyes are on Taylor but not now, it’s all eyes on her and Karlie and Taylor see’s only her and her “shiny abs” when they’re out there together on the stage

* Cut me into pieces gold cage hostage to my feelings back against the wall trippin when you’re gone...it kills Taylor to have to hold her love for Karlie inside and not share it with the world as much as she hates when Karlie has to leave after their time spent together

* Cause we break down a little but when you get me alone it’s so simple cause baby I know what you know we can feel it... When they have to be apart it’s hard but when they’re together it’s all worth it...They both know what they have and what they have to do to keep it

* And all the pieces fall right into place getting caught up in the moment lipstick on your face so it goes...Everything so far is going to plan but sometimes they forget and have to deal with a revelation (lipstick on Karlie’s face as they walk out of the apartment and get papped)

* I’m yours to keep and I’m yours to lose you know I’m not a bad girl but I do bad things with you so it goes...Seems like Taylor is saying the ball’s in Karlie’s court so to speak? The bad things = lesbian things 😂

* Met you in a bar all eyes on me your illusionist all eyes on us I make all your grey days clear and wear you like a necklace I’m so chill but you make me jealous but I got your heart skipping when I’m gone... From Karlie’s perspective - usually everyone is looking at Taylor but not at the VS Fashion show. She’s the sunshine in Taylor’s life but she does get jealous sometimes...But she knows she has Taylor’s heart and that Taylor misses her when she’s gone

* Come here dressed in black now scratches down your back now so it goes...Victoria’s Secret fashion show when they’re in black dresses holding hands walking down the runway and likely what happened after the show 😉

* You did a number on me but honestly baby who’s counting I did a number on you but honestly baby who’s counting 1, 2, 3...They really can’t help themselves with each other and their feelings * 3 years has gone by (2014-2017) (see invisible string - bold was the waitress on our 3 year trip. * 3 album contract with UMG?

Gorgeous - the rest of the lyrics speak for themselves I think, so here’s a couple.

* You make me so happy it turns back to sad ...When they’re together vs when they’re apart (Karlie w/Josh)

* There’s nothing I hate more than what I can’t have Due to the management teams keeping them apart?

Getaway Car

King of My Heart - Karlie is a Leo (Lion - king of the jungle)

* Salute to me, I’m your American Queen - Karlie referred to Taylor as the Princess because she has blue eyes, red lips, is beautiful and wears a crown in the Best Best Friend Vogue video

* Cause all the boys and their expensive cars, with their range rovers and their Jaguars never took me quite where you do...She feels nothing with any of her expensive beards like she does with Karlie

* Late in the night, the city's asleep Your love is a secret I'm hoping, dreaming, dying to keep... They have to sneak around to avoid being seen together in intimate situations

* Change my priorities The taste of your lips is my idea of luxury... She’s making all the effort to make the relationship work. I’m sure some guys have tasty lips but typically the ladies win that one

* Is the end of all the endings? End Game

* My broken bones are mending She uses breaking bones metaphors often (sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me refs?)

* Up on the roof with a school girl crush

* She’s got a girl crush

* Drinking beer out of plastic cups

* Karlie and Taylor at the Knicks game

* Say you fancy me, not fancy stuff

* Taylor wants to know that Karlie wants her for her, not what she has

Dancing With Our Hands Tied - a lot to unpack here so I’ll try to do it briefly

* I, I loved you in secret First sight, yeah, we love without reason...Depending on when they first met, Taylor saw Karlie either irl or modeling or through mutual friends and had a crush instantly

* Deep blue, but you painted me golden

* Karlie is Leo...astrologically represented by 1 color...Gold

* I, I loved you in spite of Deep fears that the world would divide us...If they came out what would it do to their relationship and their careers?

* So, baby, can we dance Oh, through an avalanche?... Is it possible to do it? Maybe not now, but can they weather the storm until they can make it public?

* I'd kiss you as the lights went out Swaying as the room burned down Possible Kissgate ref?

* I'd hold you as the water rushes in...They’re both fire signs...a water sign beard (Joe is a Pisces) could be the extinguisher to squash the rumors of Kaylor

* If I could dance with you again...She’ll do what she needs to do to keep this relationship

Dress - another big one

* Our secret moments in your crowded room They've got no idea about me and you...Victoria Secret fashion show moments

* There is an indentation in the shape of you Made your mark on me, a golden tattoo Again with gold and the tattoo...permanent mark (see End Game)

* Say my name and everything just stops I don't want you like a best friend...Not really sure if it could be any more obvious..Karlie and Taylor were each other’s “Best Friend” and Taylor is letting it be known that she wants her more than that

* Only bought this dress so you could take it off Take it off (ha, ha, ha) Carve your name into my bedpost 'Cause I don't want you like a best friend...She wants to “do bad things” with Karlie (see “so it goes”)

Call It What You Want

* Possible start of the bearding ref?

* Sounds an awful like “So Karlie would you want to?”

* Windows boarded up after the storm ...They have to be apart, possible arguments over what the plan should be? Also see Death by a thousand cuts on Lover

New Year’s Day=End Game?

* Last song with BMR..Taylor’s contract is over

* Candle wax and Polaroids on the hardwood floor...Candles are a recurring prop in her music videos, assumed to represent the passing of time of their respective contract periods * Polaroids - Karlie was asked in an interview what she collects, she said Polaroids...They took lots of Polaroid pictures on their trip to Big Sur * Taylor used the image of a Polaroid as her album cover in 1989

*You and me forevermore...direct link to the evermore album and song...she said in the MAATHP documentary that her life is planned out at least 2 years in advance...looks like maybe some of the folklore/evermore songs were already in the works or at the very least she went back and drew inspiration from other albums.

* You squeezed my hand three times in the back of the taxi

* could 3 years be the length of Karlie’s contract with Josh? (See So It Goes)

* 3 album contract with UMG?

* I can tell it’s gonna be a long road They’re going to have to suffer through at least 3 years of not being seen together in order to avoid speculation

* I’ll be there if you’re the toast of the town, babe Or if you strike out and you’re crawling home Whatever Karlie’s reason is for going along with the Josh stunts, Taylor will be there to support her no matter what...Strike out is a baseball metaphor and Karlie is a big St Louis Cardinals fan (baseball ref also used in peace on folklore...”swing with you for the fences, sit with you in the trenches”)

Crawling home…opposite of what Karlie used to do as a Victoria Secret model and “walking” the runway

* Don’t read the last page But I stay When it’s hard or it’s wrong or we’re making mistakes... Try not to look too far ahead, things can go wrong and it can make the time longer or seem longer

* I want your midnights But I’ll be cleaning up bottles with you on New Year’s Day Taylor wants to be with her now, but she knows in the end she’ll be with her forever after the charade and games are over.

* Hold on to the memories they will hold on to you Just keep remembering the good times..they’ll get “us” through until the games are over

[i-am-just-a-kiddo]

shuffle challenge

you can usually tell a lot about a person by the type of music they listen to. put your favorite playlist on shuffle and list the first ten songs!

thank you @vishcount! 💕 you know am always happy to post my music so thank you for tagging me! am following your example and put three different playlists because i listen to all of them a lot currently. 

since this is gonna get long again, i will tag everyone else at the beginning: @cortue, @intyalote, @sassyassassy, @not-saying-revolution-but, @the-cloud-whisperer and whoever wants to share their music! 

playlist I. ‘Kikimora a vodjanoj’ aka my original story project 

the same by mehro

this playlist if for my original story that i’ve been creating for the past month; i don’t really know what i can - and want - to share about it? i think the lyrics of this song might be a bit too cheesy for my characters but the vibes are impeccable.

Намалюй by Go_A

to be fair, this whole Go_A album is perfect for my project but this song was absolutely haunting (together with Сонце). also please, if anyone has more slavic music recommendations, i will love you forever. děkuji.

BACK HOME feat. Kacha Kowalczyk (Coals) by Daniel Spaleniak

once again, impeccable vibes. i think they capture the atmosphere of my project quite well? i know i am being incredibly vague here but  it’s for you to judge what vibes these are (sorry).

playlist II. ‘burn the world burn myself’ aka Wen Kexing character study

Comet by SEVDALIZA

for my wen kexing playlist, this song is a whole gem. i adore sevdaliza but man, the lyrics of this?? “there is light on your body” will haunt me for fucking ever. 

Begging To Bleed by 8 Graves 

no comment needed

You Know What They Do to Guys Like Us in Prison by My Chemical Romance

it’s embarassing how late i noticed that mcr fits wkx’s vibes - especially Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge which is the superior album lbh 

playlist III. ‘leggo’ aka everything I’ve liked for the past 6 years

MAD by mokyu

i think youtube recced this to me and i vibed with it instantly? it’s a shame that it’s so short to be honest. maybe i should check more of mokyo’s stuff

Dead Leaves ( 고엽) by BTS 

i say this about the majority of bts’ songs but this one? immortal masterpiece in my opinion. it especially has a soft spot in my heart because it was one of the first songs i listened to regularily when i got into bts and i had a friend with whom we shared this song? so it has a lot of good memories.

Cold Little Heart by Michael Kiwanuka

this song is just so good, i don’t know what else to say about it? i discovered it around two years ago and i never get tired of listening to it.

그리고 남겨진 것들_The Day Before by NELL  (tw: depiction of suicide in the mv)

sometimes you just gotta be sad and listen to nell on loop. my dear vishie must know my undying love for this band. once in a while i just get emotional about all the wonderful music they have gifted to the world. i’m not up to date but i’ve seen them posting something about a new album on instagram? i hope am not wrong because a nell album sure would bless this cursed year. their music feels like a comforting hug

if you listened to all the songs, i hope you found something you liked! this was nice 💗

[troop52]

do u !!! have any character theme songs for the troop boys? Like any songs you think really fits them (and why u think it fits)?

THATS A GREAT QUESTION!!

Before I get into it Im going to plug this collaborative Troop Playlist on Spotify, feel free to add onto it!! Continuing with my picks

I think a lot of the songs I associate with The Troop in general are just because I happened to listen to them around the same time I got into the book in the first place (So they could only be tangentially related BUT only if you squint hard) Example: Drunk by The Living Tombstone, cant really tie it into the story but in my mind its linked Some better, more fitting songs under the cut (Side note its LONGGG IM SORRY... Also its all YouTube links because some of these arent on Spotify :'^()

Disclaimer -Like 95% of my choices arent really a "These lyrics match up exactly 1 to 1" but more of an overall "the vibe/general idea its trying to capture lines up" type thing. If that makes sense.

Its Alright by Jack Stauber: Kind of self explanatory, I think its a perfect song for these guys. From "It's alright, I'm here, Everything's alright, Feels weird but calm, I wanna hear It's alright" to the whole sound of it- its all great. Equal parts distressing and sad with an almost eerie calmness to it. Despite it all theyre gonna be alright, right?

The Second Little Piggy by Worthikids: Another one that I think is sort of self explanatory- at least with the chorus. "If my brain turns to mush, If the shit hits the fan, Will you be my friend?" Kind of the falling apart of everything, specifically their relationships, in light of the incident.

Poor George by James Supercave: Another case of "listened to at the same time I read the book" BUT I was actually making a Troop PMV script with that song. I never finished it but maybe Ill revisit it... just for you

Cold Summer by Le Matos ft Computer Magic: I dont even think this takes place in the summer but the VIBES and also it came from Summer of 84, which is another good piece of murder boy media.

Treehouse by Alex G ft Emily Yacina: This is a Eef and Max type of song because they are bffs and thats final. Basic song because Im not creative, but I think its a nice heart to heart theyd have (with Eef doing the talking)

Fifteen Minuets by Nick Krol: On the flipside heres a song that goes with Eef and Maxs friendship fracturing, once again more from Eefs side than Maxs. THE GIRLS ARE FIGHTINGGG

As far as songs for the boys as individuals hmmm thats a good one that I havent thought about as much...

MAX + The Ghosts by The Real Tuesday Weld: That survivors guilt... lyrics arent like a perfect match but I think it gets that sort of hollow feeling across. Hes haunted man... + Final Girl by Electric Youth: Ok its a little funny because har har Final Girl Trope but I mean HE IS ONE. ANd dont look at me its a nice song- "Others were gone, and you kept going on, You know they never really noticed, you were always different, One by one, They're all done, And you're the last one standing" + Going Grazy by Lonesome Wyatt and the Holy Spooks: HONESTLY this could go for all the characters but Im tagging it onto Max because hes the one who has to deal with the aftermath of losing everyone (sorry survivors guilt Max again </3) "Everyone's saying my mind is unsound, 'Cause I always see you when you aren't around" "They're gonna wrap me in a jacket of white, And lock me away in a room without light" is what cements it as a Max song for me

EEF + The Existential Threat by Sparks: Once again starting sad, I link this one specifically to his paranoia about the worms- especially with lines like "Can't they see the existential threat is on its way". Kind of exasperated no one else can see the danger (he thinks) hes in. + Wrecking Ball by Mother Mother: I know I know its basic but I cant help it!!! Eef anger issues arc we are shaking hands me too + Haunted by Laura Les: Eef struggles with people seeing him as "just like his father" and I think we can get some good angst out of this track if we keep that in mind. Especially the back half of the song with lyrics like "Do you think I'm frightening?" and "Mirrors shatter when I'm passing, broken glass and crashing" since he is just a reflection of his dad (to others at least). Also song good.

KENT + Goodbye Mr A by The Hoosiers: Mfw the disillusionment with authority sets in. I think the vibe fits when he had that little epiphany about how adults are fucked- not perfect but it gets the idea across me thinks. + I'm Gonna Win by Rob Cantor: Ties into his need to "win" aka be the best at everything, be in charge, all that jazz! Hell do whatever it takes to be successful, even if it hurts. That was a little emo + Toba the Tura by Forgive Durden ft Chris Conley: Not to be emo again but "They say you're gifted, well I just see a scared kid. They must have flipped it, your skills are latent. O, you snuffed the glow. Replaced it with coals. Threw away the throne... This mess that you've made, it's a six-foot grave. It's a home for your lonesome bones that remain. We'll disappear, but you'll stay here to rot" AND SO ON AND SO FOURTH representing his fall after it was revealed he was sick. He was referred to as "the uncrowned king" and was on top of the world but then POOF that all crumbled and it was made out that he basically deserved what happened to him. It would be fun to make a pmv of him with this song (Simplifying my thoughts a bit because Ive already written a LOT)

NEWT + I Earn My Life by Lemon Demon: Ok a little Kentcore but Im actually having a hard time coming up with songs for Newton so here we are, they can share. Newt existential crisis moment time I guess + Know How by The Crane Wives: POV Newt struggles with going through with the plans he makes to keep everyone safe (stopping Max from touching Kent, going back into the cabin, etc) "I am not brave, I am not brave, I keep my focus on what is safe, You drew a line, made up your mind, And now I'm struggling to realize" And also maybe struggling with his place in the group and as a person in general- all that living through his cousin thing. "I gotta wrap my head around, What my heart is telling me, I've been trying to drown it out, Just because I know what I am, I am supposed to do now, Doesn't mean I know, Doesn't mean I know how" + On The Outside by Oingo Boingo: Idk man. Hes on the outside lookin in!! Loner nerd!! Its ok though, we still love him

SHEL + Bad Blood by Creature Feature: The lyrics speak for themselves: "I can guarantee I will do evil things, The only way that you can stop me now, Is if you put me in the ground, Somewhere I'll never be found" + Frontier Psychologist by The Avalanches: Hinges on the fact that the principal or whoever was like "Your sons a freak" and Shels mom was like "HES PERFECTLY FINE" while Shelley was like dismembering an animal or something + Johnny by American Murder Song: The songs good but theres this ONE LYRIC that sucks so the link provided is an edited version and also a lovely Warriors oc video I think you should all enjoy and support <3 Anyway Shel would be Johnny I could see this song being a scene in the book. Field trip to Shels house and they find his murder garden

If anyone wants more for Im not opposed to making another post :^)

[slashersins]

you guys sent in lyrics and had me match them , even if i got some of them wrong . but now ima share some lyrics that i relate to the slashers . now it’s not the entire song in some cases , just a few lyrics that vibe . so let’s go !

jason voorhees 

glass half empty , glass half full , well , either way you won't be going thirsty , count your blessings not your flaws . . . there's method in my madness , there's no logic in your sadness , you don't gain a single thing from misery , take it from me 

king by lauren aquilina 

i just . . . i just want jason to love himself . and he deserves to know that he doesn’t need to suffer alone . . . i just got feels for jason and this song . 

michael myers 

a sweet tooth for you , i'm wide awake ,the sugar went straight to my brain , feel like a kid , i double tap , my chest with my fist , i like you , say it back 

sweet tooth by cavetown 

i just feel like michael relating his desire for sweets to the emotions he feels for you would be super cute . and also accurate . 

brahms heelshire 

why would you ever kiss me ? i'm not even half as pretty , you gave her your sweater , it's just polyester , but you like her better , wish i were . . .

heather by conan gray

yearning , desire , wanting . this song has it all and these lyrics make me just feel for brahms . is “she / her” the doll version of him ? is it the grocery boy ? either way , he’s inside the wall and wishing you loved him . 

thomas hewitt 

when i'm older , i'll be silent beside you , i know words won't be enough , and they won't need to know the names on our faces , but they will carry on for us , and it's a long way forward , so trust in me , i'll give them shelter , like you've done for me , and i know , i'm not alone , you'll be watching over us , until you're gone

shelter by porter robinson & madeon

this song makes me think of thomas . he wants to do what’s best for his family . he wants to take care of them . he knows he has to . and he’ll do what he has to so that his family is safe . and he’ll keep doing it until he’s the last one . my sweet boy . . . 

jesse cromeans 

this could be perfection , a venom drippin' in your mouth , singin' like a siren , love me while your wrists are bound , you've been seeing me in your dreams but , i'll be there when your reality drowns

siren by kailee morgue 

i don’t know why . the image of jesse tying you up , or you tying jesse up . is it sex , or the hunt ? playful or dangerous ? either way , i love listening to this song and i always think of jesse and the way the red light of his camera glints on his chrome mask . 

bubba sawyer 

give me strength and gratitude , tell me what it is i can ask of you , tell me what it is that I can't see , tell me now , oh , tell me now , who is it i'm supposed to be

who am i by besomorph 

this just . . . bubba is always trying to do what his family needs , he tries to play his part , his brothers have always told him what to do . so it just . . . it just hits so different , and i can’t help but think of sweet bubby . 

billy loomis 

i wanna be your habit , cut me down like xanax , 'cause if you're nervous you shouldn't be , i'll take away your panic , just leave your head wide open , my love comes in doses , so if you're nervous you shouldn't be , i'll take away your panic

habit by kris trindl & krysta youngs

whether it’s stu or you , i feel like this displays what billy wants . he wants you to be addicted to him . but he also wants to take care of you too . just in his own way . 

stu matcher 

hold me up, tie me down , 'cause i never wanna leave your side , swear to never let you down , and it's been eatin' me alive , you can take me home , you can never let me go , hold me up, hold me up ,  and tie me , tie me down , down

tie me down by gryffin & elley duhé

stu wants to be wanted . he loves so passionately and utterly . is he singing to billy ? to you ? to both ? he’s dedicated , he’s loyal , and he never wants you or billy to let him go . 

vincet sinclair 

yeah, it's funny how you're calling couldn't answer if i wanted , 'cause his lips are on my lips and both my hands are on his body , yeah it's funny how it's different now that i got somebody , yeah it's funny

funny by zedd & jasmine thompson

i cannot listen to this song without thinking of vincent ? and why ? because i picture getting out of a terrible relationship and finding ambrose . because i picture you find vincent , and he finds you and you both find love and happiness , and you’re so so so happy , that even the desperate attempts to get you back after breaking your hard are meaningless because you’re too busy loving vincent . 

bo sinclair 

everybody tries to tell me that i'm going through a phase , i don't know if it's a phase , i just wanna feel okay , yeah , i battle with depression , but the question still remains , is this post-traumatic stressin' or am i suppressing rage ?

popular monster by falling in reverse 

honestly these lyrics just scream bo to me . he’s been told he shouldn’t be so angry , but he is , and it’s all bubbling to the surface all the time . i can’t help just head bang to this part and think about bo doing the same in his garage . 

lester sinclair 

. . . like a back road, drivin' with my eyes closed , i know every curve like the back of my hand , doin' 15 in a 30 , i ain't in no hurry , i'ma take it slow just as fast as i can

body like a back road by sam hunt 

this song is lazy , relaxed , just vibing . yes it’s about making love , but i mean , it’s so casual and fun . just like lester is . 

jacob goodnight 

still waiting , hands shaking , maybe the coast will clear , but these voices, these strange noises , they followed me in here

panic room by au/ra

jacob has to deal with so much . his past haunts him , he’s easily triggered , having ptsd and flash backs . they will always follow him and it scares it . i can’t not here this song and think about my big boy in a constant state of panic . i just want to comfort him . 

martin ( 1977 ) 

oh , baby , i am a wreck when i'm without you , i need you here to stay , i broke all my bones that day i found you , crying at the lake , was it something i said to make you feel like you're a burden ? oh , and if i could take it all back , i swear that i would pull you from the tide

line without a hook by rick montgomery 

much like the first line says , martin is a wreck without you . he wants you to be with him , he just loves you so much that he wants to keep you close , as one of the slashers with yandere tendencies , these lyrics just stick . 

carrie white

look damn good in the dress , zipping up the mess , dancing with your best foot forward , does it get hard , to have to play the part ? nobody's feeling sorry for ya

homecoming queen by kelsea ballerini

this song makes me almost wanna cry . especially when i think about how utterly cruel everyone is to her , and how brave she is to try and get through it . 

[yourcoffindoor]

Bulletproof Heart Pt.2

Pairing: Gerard Way x Reader

Prompt: Request from Anon- “ could you write one where the reader is a rock singer and they and mcr are on warped tour together, and they both lowkey like each other but think they’re both out of each other’s league, and find out that they’re both secretly into nerdy stuff + maybe getting together?

TW: Mentions of an abusive relationship.

AN: The plot thickens. Sorry for the delay in uploading <3

Enjoyyyy <3

That night after everyone had stumbled back to the bus in a tipsy stupor, you couldn't shake the thought of your encounter with Gerard from your brain. And what's more, you hated yourself for it. For awhile you tossed and turned, hoping the unwelcome feelings you had would fade to nothing so that you could fall asleep at last.

But your curiosity got the better of you, and there was only would person who could give you the answers you were looking for.

"Hey Gavin, are you still conscious?" you whispered from your bunk. You heard the rustle of sheets moving in response.

"Hmmm?" a low and sleepy sound of acknowledgement answered.

"I'm just wondering...what do you know about Gerard Way?"

As soon as the words left your lips, Gavin's curtains swung open with superhuman force.

"Y/N are you in love with Gerard Way?!" Gavin's voice was no longer tired, having morphed into a sharp and excited whisper. In addition to being the band's social butterfly, he always knew the gossip about everyone within a 20 mile radius.

"Christ, really Gavin? We only spoke for like fifteen minutes."

"So it was like a love at first sight situation?"

"You are so annoying, I swear to god."

"Do you want info or not?" he threatened.

You sighed. "Fine, yes I do."

Gavin cleared his throat as if preparing for a presentation. "OK, so everyone has something good to say about him, seems like a really genuine guy. I've heard he was in a long term relationship for ages, but its been broken off for awhile now. "

"Hmm," you murmured, trying to sound indifferent, "yeah he seems like a sweet guy."

"Yeah and every girl with a pulse seems to be after him. You got some competition out there." he teased. "But seriously, if you're interested you should go for it. You deserve to be happy, Y/N. It's been three years since...you know who."

Gavin didn't say his name, but he had said enough to bring on a wave of sad memories. "Thanks. I'm uh, feeling pretty tired, so... I'm just gonna get some sleep."

"G'night." Gavin said softly, as if aware he had brought out long buried and very unwelcome feelings.

You rolled over in your bunk, pulling your blankets up over your head, unwilling to dwell on the memories that had been drudged up by only a few words. Three years ago. That's when you finally had the strength to break it off with Alex.

You were a different person when you met him. It was your first relationship, and you were naive and forgiving, unable to see the dozens of red flags that should have made you run away from it all.

You had answered an ad that he had posted asking for potential band members for a punk band he was forming. It had been your dream to pursue music, and you responded right away, hoping you'd hit it off. You weren't expecting Alex to be so damn attractive, and when your audition was successful, it was only a matter of time before a relationship began to develop between you.

He was older than you, more experienced, and eager to take you under his wing where he could have the most control. You mistook his over-protectiveness as a sign of love, and he slowly cut you off from people outside of the band, leaving you isolated and dependent on him.

Eventually he would get angry if he saw you speak to any other man. He took your phone regularly so that he could look through it, questioning you about anything he didn't like. The fights you had were loud and ugly, your voices rising and crashing like cantankerous bursts of thunder. Eventually, they became violent.

You were stuck in a cycle of affection and fear, held there as if caught in a tide that would never bring you back to shores of sanity. But you did eventually find the strength to get out when your friend reached out to you, offering you a place to stay. You packed your bags that night and didn't look back.

Your band was not just a career for you, it was a symbol of healing, proof that you were able to overcome it all and strike out on your own. You rolled over in your bunk, and pushed the unwanted memories aside, reminding yourself of the promise you had made to be the best damn band on Warped tour. Nothing was going to change that now.

x x x 

Your first performance went by in a haze of adrenaline and sweat. The crowd was young and eager to see what you had to offer, and you were all to happy to give them something they'd remember for a long long time.

There were several people in the crowd who were fans already, proudly wearing your band's shirts and mouthing along to all of the lyrics. Others were slowly converted, headbanging enthusiastically by the end of your set. When the band's final song was met with deafening hoots and cheers, you'd felt like you'd accomplished your mission.

"We fucking killed it!" Gavin declared as he slumped in the nearest chair, exhausted.

"The crowd was good, huh?" you beamed as you wiped the sweat from your face, still breathless from your onstage antics. "Let's hope they're all like this."

"Can't get any worse than our first show ever, remember?" Liz laughed as she recalled the groups early days. "Never had so much beer pelted at me in my life."

People milled about as you and your band mates caught your breath. A few musicians from other bands popped in to say hi and let you know that they enjoyed your performance.

"Hey you actually made it!" Gavin jumped up from his chair as he noticed a new face entering the backstage area. "Guys did you meet Frank last night? From My Chemical Romance?" A man with wide hazel eyes gave a quick wave from the the entryway.

"This guy was goin on and on about how you guys were the best new band on warped tour. Had to see if he was just full of shit."

"He always starts bragging when he's drunk." you rolled your eyes.

"Well, I'm glad he did. You guys put on a pretty kick-ass show. Plus Gerard really wanted to check it out."

Your heartbeat, which had only just settled from jumping around on stage, began to speed up again.

"Gerard?"you asked softly, caught off guard by the mention of his name.  You didn't see the familiar black haired boy near frank. You only saw Gavin attempting to give you a discreet wink, which you returned with a harsh glare.

"Yeah actually we were all there. Mikey and Ray had to run to another show. Don't know where Gee disappeared to though," Frank craned his head, looking around at the hustle and bustle that was happening permanently everywhere on Warped tour. "Ah, there he is. Gerard!"

You saw Gerard, surrounded by a small circle of fans, each holding something they wanted him to sign. You felt a strange pang when you noticed they were all pretty girls, and Gavin's words from last night came back to haunt you. You got some competition out there. You struggled to identify just what emotion was suddenly eating away at you--were you really jealous? Or was it the realization that even if you decided to make a move, it was probably hopeless?

Gerard nodded at Frank. "Be there in a sec!" he shouted, continuing to sign autographs until he had gotten through everyone.

Frank spoke with your band mates, but you were too distracted by the knowledge that Gerard had watched you perform to be sociable. You were anxious as to what his opinion would be, but tried to push it out of your thoughts.

You watched nervously as Gerard spoke to Frank and Gavin, noticing that he would glance over at you every so often. When your eyes finally met he gave you a nod and a warm smile. You gave yourself an internal pep talk to try and stay calm. You can just be friends, you don't need to do anything except be friendly. For the love of god, act normal.

Eventually he made his way over to you,offering another soft and lopsided smile,but his time it almost seemed as if he was shy. "Great show. From one lead singer to another, your band has a fucking killer sound."

You thanked him, grinning like an idiot while cautionary alarm bells went off in your head.

"I might be a bit biased though, because of the shirt your wearing."

You looked down, having forgotten what you threw on that morning. It was one of your favorite shirts,  a short sleeved tee with the X-Men symbol emblazoned on the front. You'd had it for years, as evidenced by the smattering of small holes peeking through the bottom edge. Oh no, you thought, he likes comics too?

"You're a fan?" you asked coolly, a stark contrast to the giddy panic that was building up inside you.

"Yes! I actually wanted to make comics before My Chem was a thing." He spoke animatedly, his round hazel eyes widening even further. "But life had other plans. Not that I'm complaining."

That familiar heat rose in your cheeks. This conversation was dangerous, and you were trying desperately to fight the feeling that this man was something close to perfect.

The world around the two of you became an insignificant blur as you both discussed comics at length, and you hung on every word, taking turns revealing how you first discovered them and sharing your favorites. He even recommended a few titles that you had never heard of. His demeanor was passionate and lively, entirely different from the sullen boy you met the night before.

"I uh, I'm actually working on a comic at the moment," he began, tucking a strand of hair behind his ear, suddenly bashful, "If you're interested you should stop by the bus sometime--"

Gerard's eyes focused on something just behind you, and you felt a sudden tap on your shoulder. You turned and felt your stomach drop to a sickening low. There, standing next to the drunk who was hitting on you last night, was your ex-boyfriend Alex.

"What are the odds!" he smiled at you, blank looking smug beside him. You found yourself at a loss for words.

"What...what are you doing here?"

He scoffed. "Ouch Y/N, is that anyway to say hello? I'm here for the same reason you are." He turned his attention to Gerard. "I'm Alex. Y/N and I used to have a band together back in the day. Well, a bit more than that actually." He smirked at you, instantly transforming any butterflies you had felt while talking to Gerard into pure revulsion.

This was your worst case scenario, and it was one you had never even considered to be possible. Seeing his face again made you freeze up, and you were at a loss for words. You looked up at Gerard through your eyelashes, wondering if the dark and overwhelming swirl of emotion inside you was showing on your face. His brows were furrowed ever so slightly as if he could sense that something wasn't quite right.

"Nice to meet you," he replied curtly before turning his attention back to you. I'll uh, let you catch up. I'll just be over there with Frank...if you need anything."

You merely nodded, too caught up in your feelings to respond properly. "I'll catch you later then."

Alex saw this opportunity as a chance to reach for an embrace, but you stepped back and out of reach.

"Just what the hell are you doing?"

"What are you implying? I'm just dropping in to say hello before Midnite Heist performs later. I'm their new drummer after all. I can't even do that?"

"No," you said, struggling to maintain a low voice, "You can't. I told you I never wanted to see you again. We may be on the same tour, but that doesn't mean you can approach me. Don't try it again."

He laughed, clearly embarrassed to be spoken too like that in front of his band mate. "If you're trying to get with that Way guy, don't bother. You're punching way above your weight with that one."

You took a moment to steel yourself, and decided to walk away rather than let thing turn into a scene. Before you turned to leave, you offered one final warning.

"I haven't forgotten what you did to me. Speak to me again and you'll regret it."

You walked off, hearing mocking 'Ooooh's from Alex and Brent as you left. You saw heads turning in your direction as you stormed away towards the bus, including Gerard's, but you couldn't be bothered by that now- not when you were struggling to keep it together.

Fuck Fuck Fuck your internal monologue looped on a bitter repeat. This was going to be the longest tour of your life.

[chimmyboii]

Nice Guy - Part 3

Paring: Chanyeol x reader (Previous Baekhyun x reader)

Summary: After finding out her boyfriend, Baekhyun had cheated on her at a party, Y/N goes into meltdown. Chanyeol, Baekhyun’s best friend, decides he can’t stand watching the girl completely fall apart because of his best friend and decides to befriend her.

AN: Here is part 3!!!! Sorry it took so long! I think there will be another 2 parts after this - not sure just yet! Anywayyy hope you guys enjoy and let me know what you all think! :)))! 

Warnings: female masturbation!

Masterlist

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3

My head was aching, I clutched it as I sat up. I gasp as I look around the room, forgetting that I was in Chanyeol’s bedroom. Surprisingly it was plain and neat; the walls were a cream colour and held some posters of bands and football teams. Looking at his computer desk that sat underneath the window, I smile softly as I eye the guitar next to it. I stand hesitantly, my muscles feel stiff, I take a second before I walk to the table and spot a little black notebook. Opening it, the smile wipes from my face, on each page there were lyrics scribbled down in messy handwriting. The lyrics describe an unrequited love, the betrayal of a friend, the heartache that continues to haunt him. This was Chanyeol’s story, my heart hurts as I remember his confession. How could Baekhyun do that to him? I turn the page and read more of his lyrics, they were less heartbreaking than the first but still haunting. A gasp sound from behind me.

“You weren’t supposed to see that!” Chanyeol yelps behind me, I snap the book shut and face him.

“I’m sorry! I shouldn’t have been snooping,” I look at him and wince as I spot the bruise forming on his eye. “How’s your face?” Chanyeol shrugs before walking over and taking the black notebook from my hands and places it in the drawer.

“It’s fine,” I nod, we fall silent and I look at my feet. Chanyeol takes a seat on the bed and I follow, choosing to sit at his desk. His confession from last night keeps circling my head, the thought of him liking me both scares me and excites me. I open my mouth to speak but Chanyeol cuts me off.

“Lisa texted your parents saying you were staying with her,” I nod, looking at my hands. I didn’t know how to approach this; how do I ask him about his feelings for me, if he has any feelings that is. I mean this was three years ago, people’s feelings change so quickly, he might not like me like that anymore. “I-” I start, feeling a little chocked up. Chanyeol looks at me, his wide eyes focus on me and my heart flutters under his gaze. “I want to know more,” I confess and Chanyeol frowns.

“Know what?”

“I want to know about your feelings for me, not that you like me now or anything,” I chuckle nervously, tugging at my fingers. “Just when did it all begin, I guess,” Chanyeol sighed and ran a hand through his messy dark hair.  

“We might be here a while,” Chanyeol states and I nod almost excitedly, “You have to promise this won’t change us though?”

“Yeah, I promise,” Chanyeol eyes me for a moment before he looks out the window.

“I guess it started in 3rd year of high school, a year before you and Baekhyun got together,” Chanyeol shifts on the bed, moving until he sat against the headboard. “We had the same French class; I don’t know if you remember-”

“I remember,” I interrupted smiling softly, “you used to sit in front of me, blocking my view of the board!” I tease and Chanyeol laughs.  

“Yeah well, I used to get so excited for that class. I fucking hated French but you made it bearable,” I flush at the confession, “I can’t believe I’m saying this but I used to daydream that you would ask me out, that you had this massive crush me like I did with you. But of course, you didn’t,” Chanyeol chuckled, almost sadly. “I ended up confiding in Baekhyun, who came up with this plan of writing you notes, of becoming your secret admirer. Baekhyun shared mostly all of his classes with you so he agreed he would pass them over. And well you know the rest,”

I shake my head, feeling sick suddenly. “Why would he do that? Did he tell you?” Chanyeol just shrugs. “Why the fuck would you stay friends with him?”

“It’s just life, Y/N. I’m not going to cut out my best friend for some girl,” I flinch, shaking my head before quickly standing. “Shit, Y/N I didn’t mean it like that!” I nod choosing to ignore him and grab my shoes. Chanyeol grabs my arms stopping my movement, “Please Y/N, I didn’t mean the way it sounded. Y-You mean a lot to me,” I turn my head to look at him, his wide brown eyes are pleading me to believe and I do but I’m scared. This is too quick; my heart isn’t ready to be given to someone else.

“I need time to think, Baekhyun and I have only just broken up five days ago,” Chanyeol just nods, his large hands leaving my wrist.

“I’ll take you home,”

The car ride was silent and awkward. Part of me wanted to apologise to him but I already knew Chanyeol’s answer. He’s nice and understanding – something I need right now. But I’m scared that this feeling, that the fluttering in my stomach will disappear quickly as it came. It’s easy to picture myself with him, to visualise myself in his arms but physically being intimate with him is terrifying. Sharing that part of me that only one other has seen, is frightening and I’m not sure when I’ll be ready.

He drops me off and says bye with a small smile. I return his smile before heading into my house. Mum doesn’t ask me any questions, thankfully, she just asked if I enjoyed my night which I lied and said yes. As soon as I entered my bedroom, I phoned Lisa.

“Hey?”

“Okay, I’m freaking out right now!” I start over the phone; I hear Lisa rustle around before asking what’s wrong. “I was with Chanyeol, as you know, last night and he confessed that he liked me,”

“What?! Really?” Lisa squealed.

“Yeah, apparently he liked me 3 years ago!” Lisa gasps so I continue, “But that’s not what’s freaking me out.”

Lisa hums, “Okay then what is – because I’d be freaking out about him liking me, just saying!”

“Well I am freaking out about that but Baekhyun knew Chanyeol liked me. In fact, according to Chanyeol, Baekhyun was planning on basically setting us up.” Lisa is silent for a moment.

“What the fuck?” Lisa drawls, and I nod. “Why did he ask you out if he knew his best friend liked you? Isn’t there some sort of bro code against things like that?”

“See that’s the thing, I don’t know. Baekhyun never mentioned anything about Chanyeol liking me. Do you remember those notes I got in class?”

“Yeah the little pink ones that said you looked cute,”

“Well turns out those were from Chanyeol, not Baekhyun,” I sigh, leaning back against my pillow.

“Oh, my fucking God! What an asshole!” I moan in agreement. “Why would Chanyeol stay friends with him, if he did that to me, I’d be raging.”

“I did ask him that and he said he wasn’t risking his friendship with Baekhyun over some girl,” I scoff and roll my eyes.

“Well looking at it from Chanyeol’s point of view; he cares about the both of you right? So, he made a decision to stay out of the way, which I admire him for by the way, I know I couldn’t stand watching my best friend be with a guy I liked.”

“No, you’re right, doesn’t make me feel less guilty though. Especially now that I’m single and part of me wants to…” I trail off, still processing what I want from him.

“Fuck him?”

“Lisa!” I shriek before bursting out laughing. “I was going to say date him, oh my God!”  

“Well I wouldn’t blame you for wanting to fuck him, have you seen those arms?!” I giggle. “I bet he’s so fucking strong!”

“Yeah he is,” I mumble, thinking about how he lifted me into his arms like I weighed nothing.

“Wait, what?” Letting out another giggle, I inform Lisa about the rest of the night. How he carried me to his room and made sure I was okay before cuddling me throughout the night. “Y/N, what the fuck! If you don’t want him can I have him?”

“Umm…no,” I let out a laugh as she curses. Our laughing ceases, the pain in my chest begins again.

“I’m not ready though,” I sigh, eyes traveling to the right way that holds polaroid’s of Baekhyun and I.

“And that’s okay,” Lisa reassures me, “If Chanyeol stills feels this way about you, and it has been what nearly four years? Then I’m sure he can wait a little longer for you,”

A soft smile appears on my lips. “Hopefully,”

-   The rest of weekend was spent at home, finishing homework and catching up on Netflix. It was hard keeping both Baekhyun and Chanyeol off my mind; I keep comparing the two of them. I wonder what it would have been like if Chanyeol had confessed before Baekhyun. If I would have said yes, how the relationship would be, how he would kiss me. God I would love to kiss him, I think as my finger trace my lips. If I would have lost my virginity to him, what it would be like to feel him touch me, be inside me. I gasp at the thought, remembering the feel of his hands, how rough but also gentle they felt against my back. My hand slides down into my pyjama bottoms, softly caressing my thighs, I think about the veins along his arms and his hard chest. My hand continues to slip into my panties, softly tracing my slit. Gasping, my eyes widen at the wetness that had gathered. I have never been this wet before, even with Baekhyun it took me a while to gather any slickness.

My middle finger made contact with my clit; a sharp gasp escapes me. I picture Chanyeol between my thighs, rubbing at the small bud. I imagine him holding my hips down as I rut up against my hand, I imagine him pressing kisses again my thighs before sucking harshly on my clit.

“Oh, Chanyeol,” I whimper quietly, rubbing my clit harder. I imagine one of his hands traveling up to my breast, squeezing it and tweaking my nipple. I move my left hand to my breast, twisting my nipple between my thumb and index finger. I pant harder, feeling the delicious burn in my stomach. I continue to rub hard on my clit, imagining Chanyeol’s tongue flicking it. My orgasm approaches when I picture his brown eyes looking into mine from between my thighs.

“Shit! Chanyeol!” I snap my thighs shut, shaking with the aftershocks of the orgasm. As I lay there, inhaling and exhaling, a thought suddenly shook me.

Oh, my fucking God, I just masturbated to the thought of Chanyeol! How the hell am I supposed to face him tomorrow! I groan, grabbing my pillow I smother my face with it before letting out a scream.

- I had managed to avoid Chanyeol most of the morning; I spotted him entering the building with Jongin, I quickly grabbed Lisa before he can spot us and drag her to the library to hide. She didn’t really question it, assuming that I wasn’t sure of my feelings, which I still aren’t and needed time to process before seeing him. The second time, he spots me in the corridor heading to my next class, he is walking with Kyungsoo. Chanyeol face practically beams when he spots me, waving enthusiastically. My eyes study his hand and the thought of last night’s self-care session comes to mind, making my cheeks burn. I put my head down and quickly speed walk to class, completely ignoring him.

I manage to avoid any confrontation from him and about my internal embarrassment all morning until Lisa drags me to the girl’s bathroom. Lisa glares at the girl fixing her make-up and tuts as she takes forever to leave. Finally, the girl exits, and Lisa quickly swirls around to face me with both hands on her hips.

“Okay, what the hell is going on with you and Chanyeol?” My eyes widen.

“Nothing!” I exclaim and Lisa smirks.

“Uh huh, right!” She sarcastically drawls. “Well if nothing is going on then why the hell are you avoiding him and why is Chanyeol walking around like someone’s murdered his dog?”

“I-I…” I stutter, I can feel my cheeks getting hot as I remember my really crude and disgusting thoughts. Lisa continues to stare at me with a raised eyebrow. 

“Imasturbatedtohimlastnight!” I shouted and Lisa frowns.

“Say what?” I groan, turning to lean on the sink.

“I masturbated to the thought of Chanyeol last night,” Lisa bit her lip before she burst out laughing. “Lisa, it’s not funny! I can’t look him in the eyes!” I whine which only makes her laugh harder.  

“Jesus, is that all?” She asks and I glare at her.

“Yes, that’s all. This is serious Lisa, I feel disgusting!” She snots before coming over and starts massaging my back.

“I can guarantee you Y/N, he has definitely jacked off to you!” I groan and lean my head against the mirror.

“That does not make me feel better, Lisa,” She sniggers while I scowl at her.  

“It’s normal Y/N! Well it shows that your attracted to him so maybe it’s a good thing!” I shake my head.

“It’s still too fast, I’m not over Baekhyun.”

Lisa eyes me before blurting out; “are you sure because you seem to have got a little excited over his best friend, from what I’ve heard.” I groan and she just smirks. Lisa begins tugging me out the bathroom. “Come on you’ll be fine!”

We head to the canteen and I spot Chanyeol walking back to his usual table with the boys, I walk to him, the palm of my hands begin to feel sweaty.  

“Hi, Chanyeol,” I greet him. Chanyeol glowers at me before grabbing his bag that lay on his seat and storming off. My heart sinks as I watch his tall figure fade in the crowd of students. The rest of the boys sit silently, not acknowledging me. I turn to leave.

“He’ll be in the PE department,” I turn around to see Baekhyun shove more yoghurt in his mouth before using the spoon to point in the direction Chanyeol left. I nod at him before particularly sprinting to the PE department.

Baekhyun was right, I found Chanyeol in the last hall. I walk in and notice that he was on his own, kicking a football harshly into a goal. I whoop, making Chanyeol jump slightly and spin around to face me, a frown appearing on his face.

“He shoots, he scores!” I cheer awkwardly and Chanyeol’s lips twitch. I note the cut has scabbed over and was healing. I take a tensive step towards him.

“What do you want, Y/N?” Chanyeol turns and goes to collect the ball in the goal, I slowly follow behind.

“I know your mad at me,” I start and jump when Chanyeol turns back around and glares at me.

“Of course, I’m mad. You promised nothing would change between us after I told you!” My eyes widen.

“No, Chanyeol! Nothing has changed, well in a way they have but–”

“You avoided me this morning, Y/N! I felt like an idiot.” I roughly shake my head at him and reach out for his hand. He lets me hold it and I gulp feeling the warmth and the roughness of the tips of his fingers.

“Yes, I avoided you this morning, but it wasn’t because of you–”

“Let me guess it wasn’t me, it was you?” Chanyeol scoffs, looking away from me. I grip his hand tighter and Chanyeol peeks at me before looking straight ahead again.

“Yes, it was.” My heart is pounding in my ears. “I- I think I like you,” I confess. Chanyeol’s head snaps to me, eyes widening and mouth falling open. “I mean I must do to have those thoughts about you, I especially have never cum that hard before either,” I mumble the last part, looking at the wooden floor beneath us.

“Wait what?” I snap my head up and see Chanyeol grinning. My face flushes as I realise what I said. Quickly, I let go of his hand and jump back smacking both of my hands over my mouth. He heard me. Chanyeol throws his head back and barks out a laugh. I turn away about to run in embarrassment but Chanyeol wraps his arms around my waist holding me in place. I try to wiggle my way out his grip, but he holds tighter and leans down leaning his chin on my shoulder.

“I’m flattered you think of me like that, Y/N.” he whispers, his cool breath tickles my ear and sends shivers down my back. “And grateful because I think of you like that too,” I turn crimson before letting out a giggle.

“We just admitted that we thought of each other while masturbating,” I laugh and turn around in his arms. I look at him, his eyes are sparkling – the black eye has turned yellow now. A wide grin is on his lips, making me smile also. I lean my head against his chest, hugging him closer to me.

“I still think it’s too soon,” I whisper and Chanyeol hums, “but I do want you, I’m just scared.” Chanyeol places a kiss on my forehead and I bite my cheek to stop the squeal leaving me.

“We’ll take it slow; I’ll go at whatever pace you want,” I nod and smile at him gratefully. The bell rang for the next class, I slide my hand in his entwining our hands before we left the hall.  

-

Chanyeol kept true to his word of taking it slow. He didn’t hold my hand unless I initiated it, he would eat lunch with the boys before coming to visit me and Lisa in the library. He didn’t pressure me into doing anything with. Although, at times it was a bit frustrating as I couldn’t help myself but want to be closer to him, to touch him. But as usual I was too shy to indicate I wanted more.

I was in the library once again, however, this time I was alone. Lisa had been called to meet the head of the physics department over her lack of attendance. I was finishing my maths homework when Chanyeol came skipping over to my table. Quickly, he bent down and placed a kiss to my cheek and I jumped a little, not quite expecting it.

“Hi,” I greeted wearily, “what’s got you all happy?” Chanyeol chuckles and takes the seat in front of me.

“Oh, you know, just happy to see you! You look pretty today by the way,” I let out a chuckle, continuing to finish the last question.

“Right what is it?” I ask, knowing full well he wanted something. Having been spending a lot of time with him over the past weeks or so, I have learned some of his traits.

“Okay well the guys and I are going to the beach tomorrow and I would love it if you came too,” Chanyeol widened his eyes, making him look like a puppy. He even went to the lengths of pouting his lips at me.

“I don’t know, do the guys mind?”

“Nah they won’t care,” I hesitated for a moment but the thought of seeing Chanyeol shirtless was tempting.

“Mmm…maybe,” I tease and Chanyeol begins to grin. “Are you going to be shirtless?”

Chanyeol sniggers, “I might be. I swear woman you’re only want me because of my body!” I laugh and shake my head.

“I promise I’m not! Your body is just a bonus!” I giggle, “But yeah, I’ll come,” Chanyeol cheers before grabbing my hands and place several kisses to them.

“Great, I’ll come pick you up!” I nod smiling widely. With that, Chanyeol prances off to his next class, leaving me feeling flustered and excited.

As Chanyeol said, he came and picked me up. I wasn’t sure if I were to count this as our first date or not, he technically didn’t ask for a date. Ugh! It’s so confusing. I decided to wear a sundress with my bathing suit underneath, keeping it casual as I wasn’t sure if we were going swimming or not.

When we arrived at the beach, Chanyeol was quick to spot the rest of the boys, I had hoped there would be other girls but there were none, just me. I gulp slightly, feeling slightly anxious as I spot Baekhyun chilling in the sand with ray bans on his face. Chanyeol wraps his arm around my waist, keeping me by his side as we walk towards the group. Chanyeol greets the members, pulling them into bro hugs. Yixing is quick to greet me, pulling me into a short hug, Minseok following after. The rest just nodded at me. Chanyeol lays down a white beach towel and plops down, tugging me with him. Jongin hands Chanyeol a beer which he rejects, claiming he needs to stay sober to take me home. I see Jongin roll his eyes before handing the beer to Baekhyun who just continued to gaze at the sky – refusing to look in my direction.

Sehun arrived at the beach party twenty minutes later, causing the tense atmosphere to evaporate. The members began teasing the youngest on his tardiness which brought a smile to my face. Yixing handed me a can of Coke which I thanked him for, Chanyeol takes the same. The rest of the day was full of laughter, most of the boys went swimming whilst Chanyeol and I lay on the towel just chatting with each other. The other members tended not to both Chanyeol and I, a part of me felt disheartened at this. I wanted them to be comfortable with me here, that they could continue to joke with Chanyeol but to me it seemed the avoided Chanyeol and I had a feeling this was because of me.

The sun was setting, I lay back on the towel staring at the sky. Chanyeol leans on his right arm, head on his hand, looking at me. His left-hand plays with the string of my sundress, twirling it around his finger before he reaches up and smooths away my hair from my face. I look at him, he has a soft smile on his lips, and I turn to him slightly; watching him watching me.

“You look so beautiful,” he whispers, the breath catches in my throat. I feel like it’s a dream. I’m scared to close my eyes in case he disappears from me. I was about to reply to him when I’m interrupted.

“Yeolieee!” a voice singsong, Chanyeol looks over me and frowns. I turn and spot Baekhyun swigging another drink from the ice bucket. He quickly opens the bottle and takes a large gulp of it. “You were quick at making your move, weren’t you?” Chanyeol sits up and I follow, I can feel the atmosphere begin to darken like the sky. Baekhyun was drunk, I wasn’t paying attention to how much he was having to drink, he seemed angry. “And you, Y/N, didn’t you claim you loved me?”

“Shut up, Baekhyun,” I growled to which he laughed. Baekhyun shakes his head before turning back to Chanyeol, he scowls at him.

“You couldn’t even wait a day, could you? You had to go running after her as soon as she dumped me. You’re just a fucking lovesick puppy! You call yourself my friend, you didn’t even bother asking how I was!” Suddenly, I was on my feet storming to him. Chanyeol calls after me.

“You’ve got some nerve, Byun Baekhyun!” I shout and Baekhyun smirks at me. “If your claiming Chanyeol isn’t a good friend than maybe you should look at yourself as well! You knew Chanyeol liked me but still you asked me out, what kind of friend does that?”

Baekhyun scoffs, “Well I couldn’t help if you fell for me! You were the one who mistaken those notes to be from me, not Chanyeol,”

“But you didn’t make me any the wiser, did you?” Baekhyun fell silent. The rest of the boys gathered around after hearing us shouting. “Why did you do it, Baekhyun? How could you do that to your own friend?”

Looking closely, I could see Baekhyun’s lips tremble and I could feel my heart shatter at the sight.

“Because I liked you a-and I saw you liked me too, so I decided to take my chance,” Baekhyun looked behind me at Chanyeol who remained silent during this confession. “I’m sorry man, I-I just wanted…” Baekhyun trailed off, eyes falling to the sand.

Chanyeol sighed, “It’s alright, Baekhyun, I get it.” At this I scoff. I glare at Baekhyun, ignoring Chanyeol’s gently calling my name.

“No, it’s not alright, you don’t get to act the jealous boyfriend Baekhyun, have you forgot what you did to me?” Baekhyun rolls his eyes and takes another sip of the beer.

“Right what did I do again? Let’s remind everyone since it’s your favourite story tell!” I growl, ready to slap the shit out of him when Chanyeol places a hand on shoulder. Baekhyun continues to glare; “I was scared Y/N alright! I was scared because you were in love with me and I didn’t feel the same way!” I freeze, eyeing the tears that now slip down Baekhyun’s cheeks. Kyungsoo and Yixing walk to Baekhyun, attempting to take away to calm down. Baekhyun slaps them away, “No, no, she needs to know. They both do.”

Baekhyun wipes his face and sniffs, “I really liked you, I swear I did Y/N. But like you said, I saw how much Chanyeol likes you and it fucked with my head. I tried so hard to be the perfect boyfriend for you, but I knew I couldn’t be. Because he was. Chanyeol should be the one, he’s the nice guy, the good guy.” I can feel my eyes well up as I watch Baekhyun break down.

“I knew if I broke up with you, you wouldn’t let me go. You’re stubborn, Y/N and I knew you would continue to chase after me, so I knew the only way was to get you to break up with me. And to do that I had to break your heart.” I let out a sob, Chanyeol’s hand rubbed up and down my arm in attempts to sooth me. It didn’t work. I walk out of Chanyeol’s grip, taking steps towards Baekhyun, ignoring the rest of the members eyes.

“What the fuck, Baekhyun?!” I wail, Baekhyun pulls me to him and at first, I fight him off but then give up, letting him hug me.

“I’m so sorry, Y/N. I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry I couldn’t love you,” I cry into his shoulder, gripping his t-shirt in my hands. Baekhyun leans down and whispers into my ear; “He’ll love you better than I ever could.” With that he pushes me back and grips my cheeks with both hands before placing a gentle kiss to my lips. Baekhyun pulls back and smiles a watery smile before turning and walking away. Kyungsoo follows after Baekhyun. I turn around with tears still falling from my eyes and notice Chanyeol is no longer there. My breath quickens and I quickly wipe away the tears so I can see.

“Chanyeol?” I call out, voice shaky as I continue to search the beach for him.

“He went that way,” Yixing points straight ahead, I quickly thank him before running off. I spot Chanyeol walking far ahead of me with his head hang low. I sprinted faster until I wasn’t far behind him.

“Chanyeol! Wait!” I shout causing him to stop. He turns to me in what I can tell is bewilderment. As I stand in front him, I notice the dried tears on his cheeks and his red eyes.

“Y/N? what are you doing here?” I let out a soft chuckle, I reach forward and grab his hands. He grimaces slightly, pulling them away and taking a step back. “You should go after him,” I shake my head at him, this time I take a step forward, looking up at him.

“No, I want you Park Chanyeol.” I firmly say, my hand reaches up to his neck and I gently tug him down to me. I push up on my toes and connect my lips with his. I can taste the Coke he was drinking earlier, and I can feel the rough patch of where the cut was. I press my lips harder against his, Chanyeol was hesitate at first, his lips froze undermine. Softly, I moan, pushing my hand through his dark hair. At the sound, Chanyeol unfreezes, his hand grips my hip and pulls me closer. He tilts his head and runs his tongue along my bottom lip; I open, allowing our tongues to meet. His tongue is gentle but also demanding and I love it. I feel like my whole insides are exploding like fireworks. I suck his bottom lip between mine, pulling a moan from Chanyeol, I peck him one last time before pulling back. Opening my eyes, I watch Chanyeol chase after my lips, pouting when I giggle. He opens his eyes and grins down at me, his hands run down back until they’re underneath my bum. Quickly, he picks me up causing me to squeal and carries me to the water, I wrap my arms around his neck tightly.  

The water is at our waist, Chanyeol doesn’t take us any deeper. It’s cold but it doesn’t stop us laughing and splashing each other. Chanyeol suddenly smirks at me, almost devilishly.

“What?” I giggle, taking a step back ready for his attack. Except he surprises me by gripping his wet t-shirt at the bottom and begins tugging it up and over his head. My throat dries at the sight of him bare, his smirks turn into a full-blown grin. My eyes refuse to look away from his defined abs, I watch as droplets of water slide down his abdomen back into the sea. I look back to his face, amusement written all over it. “What are you doing?” I whisper and Chanyeol lets out a chuckle.

“I believe you wanted to see me shirtless, Miss L/N,” I gulp, eyes trailing back down, eyeing his brown nipples that have hardened under the cold temperature. I pull my hands to my chest, trying to avoid touching him. Chanyeol notices this and smiles softly.

“You can touch me if you want,” he murmurs, “I’m yours,” Reaching over he takes my hand in his and places it on his chest, dragging it down slowly. His chest is hard, but it hardens further under my touch as Chanyeol grows tense, I allow him to drag my hand further down his abs. But I slowly pull away, my breath is heavy, and I feel almost shaky on my feet.

Looking into his eyes once more I whisper, “Kiss me,” Chanyeol quickly complies and swoops down and captures my lips. We stay like that, in the water, making out with each other. And for once I don’t feel afraid, but I know there’s more to come. This was just the beginning of Chanyeol and I.

[hs-writing]

My Love’s Like a Star

Note: I wanted to start posting old fics, I wrote this in 2012... I’ll post some new stuff soon too!

TW: Death, Cancer, Suicide

Word Count: 2k

It been exactly 2 years since Zayn and I started dating. We've made it through many rough patches together. He helped me when my sister died of cancer. I was thinking about ending my own life to be with her again. She was so young, and she had so much ahead of her. But thank god Zayn talked me out of it. It was the first time he told me he loved me. He said that if I killed myself then he would too because he couldn't live without me. Zayn is coming to pick me up in about 20 minutes. He's taking me somewhere special for our anniversary, but he wouldn't tell me where.I was dressed in a cute flowery sundress and flats. I was finishing applying my make up just as the doorbell rang. I sprinted down the stairs and opened the door."ZAYN!" I said whilst jumping in his arm."Hi gorgeous." He said while giving me his half smirk that was to-die-for. "You ready?""Yeah. Let me just grab my bag.""Okay. No rush."I came back downstairs and Zayn was right where I left him.We walked hand in hand to his car and he opened his door for me like a proper gentleman.We sat in a comfortable silence all the way to the secret location. I had no clue where we were going because Zayn had blindfolded me."Pleeeeeease tell me where we're going!" I pleaded."No can do. Sorry Y/N/N."I giggled when he used my nickname."God you're adorable. And all mine." He said. I felt my face turn bright red.The car slowed to a stop and Zayn told me to stay where I was. I waited for about five minutes and I heard the door open. He picked my up bridal style and carried me to wherever we were going. Zayn set me down and took off my blindfold.I saw in front of me A beautiful picnic  with candles and rose petals.We were having a great time. I love how I could just be myself around him. He stopped laughing and just looked at me."Why are you looking at me?" I said whilst blushing.

Zayn reached in his pocket and pulled out a small jewellery box.I gasped as he opened it and got down on one knee."Gabriela Marie Diaz, I know this is going to sound cheesy, but I knew from the moment I met you, you were the one. Over the two years that we have been dating, I have never been happier. When I was on tour, you were all I thought about."I started to tear up hearing all of these sweet things jus pour out of his mouth."I don't think I can live without knowing you're not mine for forever. But, I am about to change that."He took my hand and looked me in the eyes."Will you marry me?"I said a barely audible yes and as soon at he put the ring on my finger, I pounced on him and kissed him fiercely. We stayed in each others arms for the rest of the night.I woke up all of a sudden, because of a pain in my chest. I started coughing, and I looked down at my pretty dress, now stained in blood. I started crying, not knowing what is happening."Zayn..?" I said uneasily.He looked at me and smiled, "Hello Mrs. Malik."I pointed to my dress."Zayn." He looked at me in disbelief and I started coughing up more blood and crying.

Zayn quickly dialled 911 and they rushed me to the hospital.After multiple tests, I was now lying on a white hospital bed with Zayn softly singing "You Are So Beautiful" to me. The doctor came in and introduced himself."Hi, I'm Doctor Smith." he said smiling with his perfectly white teeth."Well..?" Zayn said impatiently."I'm sorry to be the one to deliver the news, but miss Y/L/N, you have cancer and you only have two months left to live." We sat in silence for what seemed like hours."I'll give you two some time alone." he said while exiting the room.That night neither one of us said a word to each other. Zayn didn't want to show it but I know he cried himself to sleep. Me? I was too afraid to sleep. I was afraid of never waking up. Never being able to walk down the aisle with the love of my life. Never being able to see our children grow up. Never being able to even HAVE children. All of those thoughts haunted my mind all night while I stared at my beautiful boyfriend- wait. Fiancé.

~~1 Month Later~~~

"Baby girl, you look beautiful." Father said while tearing up.I stood up, my white dress that was bigger than me.I looked at myself in the mirror one last time. I was so frail. My cheeks had sunk in, and I no longer had any hair. My skin was almost translucent. I could barely walk on my own, and if I did, it only took a few steps for me to run out of breath.

Zayn had stuck by me through everything, never once even thinking of leaving me.I turned towards my dad and we linked arms as he guided me down the aisle, discretely wiping tears from his eyes. I was the only one he had left. My mother left us when I was young, I barley remember her and my sister... Well. Yeah. Zayn supported me with his strong arms.We said our "I Do's" ans shared one of the most passionate kisses ever.At the party afterwards, Zayn never failed to tell me how beautiful I was as we shared our first dance. It was to Christina Perri's "A Thousand Years."He hummed it softly in my ear while we swayed back and forth.In that moment I forgot about everything. I forgot that everyone was watching us. I forgot that I had cancer. I forgot that I was going to die in less then a month. All I knew right then was that Zayn is the other part of me. He filled the hole in my heart when my sister died. I also knew that I loved him more than a person could love. I would hold on for as long as I could. For him. For the love of my life.

~~1 Month Later~~ 

I knew it was time, but what I didn't know was if I was ready to let go of everything, and everyone.No amount of time could ready me enough to say goodby to Zayn. I now lay on my deathbed with my loving, caring, adoring husband by my side. I don't know how I got so lucky to have a man like him in my life."Zayn." I spoke in a raspy voice.His chocolate brown eyes looked up at me.I can't do this, but I have to."I just wanted to tell you that I love you, before I go. I could not have been any luckier to have a guy like you in my life. I love you with my whole heart for eternity. I don't want you to do anything reckless when I leave. I want you to enjoy the rest of your life, maybe even get married again.""But-" I cut him off. I couldn't listen to his musical voice right now. I needed to get this out."I've left you something at home, but promise me something." He nodded, encouraging me to go on."Promise me you will do as the CD says, and also, promise me that you won't forget me." I was now crying openly and so was he."I could never forget you. You are the first and only love of my life."I felt myself slip into dreamland as it got harder and harder to breathe."I love you Zayn." I whispered."I love you too. Forever-""And always." I finished, and then everything went black.

***Zayn's POV***

No. She can't be gone. I love her. No. I won't let this happen. I shook her, ignoring the heart monitor telling me that my beautiful wife has left me forever.Her last words rang in my ears like bells.I stood up incomprehensible to the world around me. I walked out of the hospital, tears flowing out of my eyes like mad. I raced back to our apartment which was close to the hospital.I slowly turned the key and pushed the door open, all of the memories of her and I flooding back. I searched for the CD she mentioned. I found it next to my missing pocket mirror. That made me laugh slightly. I notice the stereo next to me with a note taped on it. It read, simply, push play.I began listening to the tape, a little scared of what was to come. Then, her angelic voice filled the silent apartment."Hi baby, good job at finding this!" she giggled, and I let out a silent cry. "If you're listening to this, which you obviously are, it means I've left. But I wanted you to know something." She said sounding more serious. "I will always be with you no matter what. I know it may not seem like it now, but someday you will be able to move on and live a successful life with the boys. Oh! Tell them I love them! Well anyway, please I don't want you to kill yourself because of me. You are amazing and I don't want to be the reason for you ending your life." I cried even more, because I knew that not even she herself could change my mind. "I know that I can't MAKE you do anything, but before you do anything, I want you to listen to this song I wrote for you. Press the "next" button.""Hi Zaynie." I smiled through my tears hearing her use my nickname. "They boys helped me with this, I hope you like it." The lyrics began:

The space in between us

Starts to feel like we're worlds apart

Like I'm going crazy

And you say it's raining in your heart

You're telling me nobody's there

To dry up the flood

Oh but that's just crazy

'Cause baby I told ya I'm here for good 

My love's like a star, yeah

You can't always see me

But you know that I'm always there

When you see one shining

Take it as mine

And remember I'm always near

By the time the song was done, I knew what I had to do. I rushed out of the apartment. "I'm coming, Love."I stepped into the road as I saw and 18-wheeler truck speeding down the street. Those bright headlights were getting closer and closer. They would bring me back to her. And we would be in each others arms again soon."ZAYN!" I heard four voices shout. I looked over at my mates, thinking about Y/N, she wouldn't want this. She told me not to.My thoughts were interrupted by a piercing pain in my whole body, then blackness. 

[reveriiea]

FNaF Song Lyric Starters #3

Song Titles [ P - Y ]

     - Painted Faces by Trickywi      - Put Me Back Together by JT Machinima      - Revenge by Rezyon      - Salvaged by NateWantsToBattle      - Springtrap Finale by Groundbreaking      - Survive The Night by MandoPony      - Sweet Dreams by Aviators      - The Finale by NateWantsToBattle      - The Puppet Song by TryHardNinja      - They Rise by MandoPony      - Turn Back by TryHardNinja      - We Are Aware by Dolvondo      - We Don’t Bite by JT Machinima      - Welcome Back by TryHardNinja      - Welcome To Freddy’s by Madame Macabre      - You Belong Here by JT Machinima

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

PAINTED FACES.

" You’re / I’m never satisfied. "

" I wonder what you’re / they’re thinking. "

" They’re always haunting me. "

" Such wicked thoughts, behind a smile. "

" Don’t weep over a selfish crime. "

" We’re / you’re out of time. "

PUT ME BACK TOGETHER.

" Whatever you thought you knew about me... was a lie. "

" I'd like to get to know you. "

" You make me feel whole. "

" As long as you're by my side, I have nothing to fear. "

" I'll be there in your heart forever. "

" I feel like you're a part of me. "

" I'll make you mine. "

" I would never do you wrong. "

" Trust is more than just a game. "

" I feel like a prisoner. "

" I'll never leave you behind. "

REVENGE.

" This is not the end. "

" You know why I’m here. "

" Don’t hide from me. "

" I’ve come for what I’ve earned. "

" I promise you won’t be sorry. "

" Don’t hold it against me / them. "

" The fun has just begun. "

SALVAGED.

" It’s been years since I’ve seen a new face around here. "

" You always choose to stay. "

" You spend your nights keeping me away. "

" You think you stand a chance? "

" Finding me was your worst mistake. "

" Now it’s just you and me. "

" I’ll always have another way to find you. "

" You won’t last the night. "

" Now don’t you panic, it’ll all be over soon. "

" You’ll never be free! "

SPRINGTRAP FINALE.

" I’ve been waiting a long time. "

" I’m getting a little claustrophobic in here. "

" I’ve been stuck here all alone. "

" You are never going back. "

" It still hurts... "

" What I did was / is unforgivable. "

" I guess I’m / you’re all alone. "

" Prove me wrong. "

SURVIVE THE NIGHT.

" I don't want to start a fight. "

" Sorry if I gave you a little fright. "

" I’m not so scary if you see me in the daylight. "

" Hey there! How ya doin'? "

" Nice to meet you, are you new in town? "

" Don't think I've seen you before. "

" You're one of us now. "

" Maybe you aren’t everything that you seem. "

" Forgive me for being suspicious. "

" Sometimes to do some good you've gotta be the bad guy! "

" I hope that you will stay. "

" Just don't break the rules, and play nice. "

" I'm sure that we'll get along. "

" We'll be the best of friends forever. "

SWEET DREAMS.

" Don't mind the noise outside the door. "

" I don't want to have to hurt you. "

" It's not your fault. "

" You'll never know the hell I've seen. "

" I can't fight off the urge inside... "

" No need for sleep tonight, sweet dreams are overrated. "

" No one's there, you're paranoid. "

" You can't wake from this dream. "

" No one will hear you screaming. "

" I'll take you with me tonight. "

THE FINALE.

" Are you happy to come back? "

" Why do you keep coming back around here? "

" I’m not so scary. "

" Don't make a scene and we'll end this quickly. "

" Maybe you've just lost your mind. "

" Am I driving you insane? "

" There's no tomorrow for you. "

THE PUPPET SONG.

" I’m not at all what I used to be. "

" The past is nothing more than just a dream. "

" I’m powerless to change your fate. "

" I can’t give you back the things you had. "

" You don’t have to do this on your own. "

" Even if you’re never going home, you’re not alone. "

THEY RISE.

" I can’t sleep at night. "

" I can’t win this fight. "

" There is no going back to the person I used to be. "

" I / you will never be free. "

" Why won’t you let me go? "

" I can’t leave them / you behind! "

" I’m not who I was anymore... "

TURN BACK.

" You should quit and run. "

" You don’t have to stay. "

" You’re still here? "

" When I said I’d end you, I really meant it. "

" There’s no winning, who are you kidding? "

" Listen, go find a new job. "

" Don’t say I didn’t warn you. "

" You’re the one who signed up for this. "

WE ARE AWARE.

" I never had a chance to tell you goodbye. "

" I never thought I could end up this way. "

" I am aware of what you are. "

" I am aware of what you did. "

" You can’t keep me in this place. "

" I will escape, I’ll find a way. "

" You can’t keep me in this prison. "

" I’ll force you into submission. "

" When I find you, you will die. "

WE DON’T BITE.

" I don’t even know where I am! "

" I just heard a noise. "

" This must be a joke. "

" It’s all in my head... "

" Calm down, take it slow. "

" Did you hear that? "

" No place is safe to hide. "

" You have nowhere to run. "

" Why not join the fun? "

" Come closer, I don’t bite. "

" I don’t believe that / you for one second! "

" I’m gonna keep my distance. "

" If you want to be my friend, then prove it. "

" That’s right, step back from me! "

" It feels like I’m not alone... "

" Somebody help me! "

" Why did it have to be me? "

" Nobody else believes me. "

" You’re not real, I call your bluff. "

" Nobody told you? I’m here to stay. "

WELCOME BACK.

" If you hesitate, I won't blame you. "

" Back again so soon? "

" It’s me who is in control. "

" Will you live to see the light? "

" Can you outrun your demise? "

WELCOME TO FREDDY’S.

" Why don’t you share? "

" Why’d you lock the door? "

" Don’t you like me anymore? "  

" This game’s lots of fun. "  

" You look funny when you run. "  

" Well, that’s just no fun at all. "  

" Sooner or later, I’ll get in. "

" I can hear your heart pound heavy... "

" Here I come! I hope you’re ready. "  

" You shouldn’t have come here. "

" You’re supposed to be alone. "

" You’re not playing fair. "

" Why’d you come back here? "

" You should have fled, dear. "

" Where do you think you’re going? "

" I don’t want to be alone. "

YOU BELONG HERE.

" You don’t know what I’ve been through. "

" Things only got worse when I met you. "

" To hell with this! "

" It feels like I’ve been here for days... "

" Maybe you’re not so bad. "

" Sorry, I can’t help you. "

" I can’t help but feel like you belong here. "

" I want to leave! "

" I guess you’re new. "

" I didn’t know how awful this job would be! "

" Maybe you’re not so bad. "

" Come a little closer. "

[bondsmagii]

🌻🌻🌻

new ask game send me a 🌻 and ill just tell you whatever the fuck i want

lowkey stealing this idea partially from @wintermutal as least as far as songs go but here’s three songs and some really random memories I have associated with them.

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so this song was everywhere when I was younger but I remember it most vividly from a car ride when I was about 13. I was Quite The Delinquent™ at that time and I had been in constant trouble at school for the whole year, and I was also a total Asshole With Attitude™ and my long-suffering guardians decided that Drastic Measures™ needed to be taken.

something that is very important for you to understand at this point is that I was totally obsessed with Green Day at the time. I mean, they were my life. I was consumed. I was possessed with all the passion of a 13-year-old emo for this band. my room was covered in posters. my notebooks were covered with lyrics. I never went anywhere without my Walkman and American Idiot was the constantly playing album. (I played that album so much I wrecked one and had to buy another -- this was back in the day where CDs would get scratched up because they’d get jostled as you walked.) quite literally I was addicted to this band. I thought of nothing else and listened to no-one else.

well, as punishment... my dear guardians confiscated every Green Day thing I owned. they took my posters. they took all my CDs. they even found the tiny little badges I’d pinned on the inside of my school jacket. everything was gone. I’ll spare you the gory details of the mental breakdown because it wasn’t pretty -- the only bit you need to know is the dramatic moment where I was threatening to run away and the person who was acting in the role of Mother™ that month said, equally dramatically, “if you can’t behave for us, behave for them!”. really wish I could re-watch that moment now because holy god, how over the top. but anyway, the deal was if I got my act together I could get my Green Day shit back in a week. 

moving on to this song. a couple of hours after this incident we had to go grocery shopping. I obviously had to come along, and I was distraught because usually I’d be in the back listening to Green Day and now I was going to have to listen to the BORING ADULT MUSIC with the BORING ADULTS. I’m sitting in the back looking like a prisoner being led to my execution and this song comes on as we back out of the drive. about a minute into the song it began to rain, which added to the drama. I leaned my head against the window and watched the raindrops running down the window, and I thought to myself you know, thematically, this song is pretty good for the current situation. it’s regretful, a bit morose. it got me thinking about the tough week ahead of me, and with all the hopelessness that you have at that age facing something as long as a week, I gave in to the sheer despair running through me and reached out to dramatically trace my finger down a raindrop on the window as I blinked back tears.

don’t get me wrong, I still like Green Day now. but christ, I came outta the womb a dramatic bitch.

undefined

so this song is an absolute banger and I listened to it all the time when I was about 16. for those of you just tuning in, I’m Irish and went to school in the north -- if any of you have tuned into Derry Girls it was basically that except my school was boys and girls. I was Michelle. sure none of you are surprised. anyway.

to cut an extremely long story short (if you want the full story please hit me up because it’s golden) my school and another school had to go on a like, team-building thing because of the civil war and we’re Catholic and they’re Protestant and apparently if you get The Youths together we’ll won’t kill one another once we reach adulthood. seems good in theory but unfortunately they brought us to this outdoor activity camp where we have to abseil and rope climb and fucking cave, in the fucking rain, and we didn’t just want to kill one another but rather every fucking person involved. things got worse until an absolutely disastrous caving experience (which did admittedly result in some cross-community bonding) but really the whole day was fucking nightmarish. we were wet, we were cold, we were being constantly exposed to heights, our safety device was to be tied to a rope and let the kids from the other school hold it and just hope they didn’t let us fall to our deaths... can I remind you that our communities were at war and had been at war for 30 years at that point and our grandpas had probably killed each other or some shit? it was stressful.

anyway, something that’s very important to culture there is singing. the Catholics especially. we have a whole load of rebel songs about killing the British and all that fun stuff, and the Protestants have a few (much more mediocre) (sorry guys but nothing you have slaps as hard as Come Out Ye Black and Tans) songs of their own, and after we got back from the caving disaster and found all our teachers sitting in the fucking warm drinking tea, we’d had enough. this song was on the radio constantly, we all knew it, and me and a guy from the other school (both of us possessing a talent for re-working song lyrics) ended up re-writing this entire song into a rant about the trip. unfortunately I cannot remember most of the lyrics now, but I do know it included a verse about how “in five years’ time” our frozen corpses would be discovered in that fucking cave.

undefined

this song is the soundtrack to one of the most subtly unbelievable moments of my life, and that’s strange coming from me considering on the surface it was very normal but for me, someone who has near constant paranormal experiences and has been widely believed from childhood to be a witch, it qualifies as unbelievable.

I’m sure everyone has had a moment in their life where they’re like “wow, this is literally like a movie”. this song is the soundtrack to that moment for me. again for those of you just joining me I have had a fairly fucked up life in some respects, and this lead to a few months of homelessness one summer. I crashed with some friends for a couple of weeks while waiting for my then-friend now-husband @vestriis to come up and meet me in Scotland, where he was going to join me as I turned said homelessness into a roadtrip around the country, urbexing and checking out haunted places as we went (that’s yet another story) and for those entire two weeks my life was one of those summer teen movies where they all live in a small town and get up to wacky adventures and they’re all slightly edgy but ultimately good fun, etc. this is something I had never experienced before because I moved around so much as a kid and never got to make like, actual friends, so having a group to roam around and be feral with was insane.

one of my friends from this time period was very musically-inclined, as was I, as was some other mutual friends. we would jam together with an assortment of instruments, and he and his friend were working on a cover of this song (which was fairly new at the time). it’s a kickass song and it’s challenging in a fun way to sing, so I’d help him practise when the other friend wasn’t around, and then one evening we all found ourselves at this other friend’s house and we ended up playing a bunch of songs together and then finally we belted out this one. by this point it was late, and people were coming home from the pubs; we were at their third-floor window, both of which were thrown open to let the summer air in, and I was sitting in the window seat writing and occasionally joining in the singing. our friend was on guitar and we were having the best jam session yet, summer air and the city streets below us, and then we realised a bunch of drunk people were cheering and clapping us from the street. like, when does this happen outside of a movie? when are you sharing drinks basically on a rooftop with your friends in a summer that seems endless, playing music and actually being fairly decent about it and having people clap? it sounds like something that would be in a YA romance novel when the protagonists finally fall in love but actually we just got fish and chips and my friend taught me to play the ukulele enough that I could torment our other roommates once he’d moved out.

and this was just how the summer began. I spent the rest of that summer with my future husband, living in my car and urban exploring, and then living in London for the final month. every time I hear this song I just remember that summer and how it kind of was endless because I still think about it now, and I can still feel how it felt.