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harryandmolly · 5 years

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The Emancipation of Ginny ~ 5

summary: shawn and ginny could’ve ruined everything six months ago, and sticking together despite their past could make or break them now as ginny stays on as his personal assistant. but what happens on tour doesn’t stay on tour.

warnings: Language, opulence, the island of Ibiza which tbh should come with a warning label

WC: 5.5k

Andrew sighs, loud and dramatic through his nose so he looks like an adorable little aggravated dragon. Ginny pats his shoulder with a sympathetic smile.

“It’s gonna be fine, love. I promise no one…” She pauses, considering what exactly she’s willing to promise to her boss, “...Will get arrested.”

Andrew grunts and it’s almost pained-sounding. Their gazes are drawn by a loud whooping and laughing from the group of men behind them. Ginny peeks over Andrew’s shoulder at the already rowdy squadron of bachelor party-bound men with a whisper of a conspiratorial grin. It rights into a confident, optimistic, responsible smile when Andrew looks back at her.

“It’s fine. It’s fine, I trust you, it’s two days, it’ll be fine.”

Ginny’s brows lift. “Are you trying to convince yourself or me?”

Andrew huffs again and Ginny can see him start to scroll through the list of reasons building in his head that maybe he really should skip those meetings in LA and just go with them and --

“Andrew, it’s two days,” Ginny assures him. Andrew seems to settle again. He and Ginny exchange a hug and with a few calls of ‘good luck’ and ‘no felonies’ to the guys, he’s out the automatic doors of the private terminal at Toronto Pearson.

Shawn is the first to notice Ginny’s unoccupied. He turns from the group and smirks at her. She wiggles her eyebrows and glides over to him.

“You ready, mate?” she teases, looping her arms behind her back.

Shawn laughs. “Definitely not.”

Ginny giggles along. “Smart boy. I didn’t plan this stag do with the intention of us making it out alive.”

Shawn makes only half an attempt to disguise the awe on his face as she skips away to wrangle everyone.

Shawn’s wedding gift to Josiah is the bachelor party of the century, and Ginny’s gift is to plan it. He told her to use his black card and when she asked about a budget he just shrugged weakly.

“Go nuts, Gin.”

That was his first mistake.

The second, he’s thinking, while he watches her strong-arm the already tipsy band of six twenty-something guys to their chartered jet, is not backing out when Josiah insisted Ginny come along.

She tried to demure her way out of it, insisting it was her gift to him, that she was perfectly fine planning it and not coming along, but Josiah dug his heels in.

“Honestly, Gin, if you don’t come, Shawn’s going to be the default responsible one.”

At that, Ginny blinked in horror and agreed.

It’s not that Shawn doesn’t want to hang out with Ginny, obviously. He’s just… it’s a weekend in Ibiza on private jets in fancy villas drinking and dancing and wearing very few clothes. It just might be tricky.

Tricky. An understatement, he thinks with a wince.

He finds himself chanting in his head the same words Andrew was muttering to himself only moments before. They’re drowned out by the music already playing on Geoff’s Bluetooth speaker as he steps onto the plane, the last of the group.

They’re spread out among the seats as the stewardess, thankfully already chuckling at them instead of looking annoyed and full of dread, takes drink orders. Shawn smiles at her when she walks past and murmurs for a beer with a quiet “thank you” that has her blushing and heading for the galley with her head ducked.

He turns back to see Ginny holding court. She’s gripping two seats, standing in the center of the aisle, laughing at something Josiah said and grinning wickedly. When she whistles through her fingers, she gets the attention she wants easily. The bleary eyes of the boys settle on her and their mouths seal shut. She relishes their reverent silence before she speaks.

“Gentlemen,” she begins in her silky West London brogue, “We’ve gathered this weekend for a very special occasion. Our good friend Josiah,” She pauses to allow for raucous applause and shrieking, “Has met the love of his sweet little life, Sami.”

“SAMIIIIIII!!!!!” Chris, one of Josiah’s hometown buddies, cries from the far end of the plane, beer in hand. The boys laugh and lift their various beverages in a toast to the bride-to-be.

“And to celebrate this glorious union,” Ginny continues, hamming it up for her audience, “We retreat to the one place on earth more suited to a stag do than Sin City -- the island of Ibiza.”

They’re eating up her theatrics, Shawn included. He howls along with the rest of them, drumming the flat of his hand on the leather seat in front of him. He feels a surge of adrenaline. They were already excited, but Ginny’s ringleader speech has got them fucking wired.

“So, boys,” She lifts her bottle with a quirk of an eyebrow, “Here’s to Josiah, may we keep him alive to see his wedding day.”

The group laughs and gathers to knock their bottles in cheers. Josiah, being Josiah, manages to clink his bottle in one hand while taking a picture with the other. He stows his phone and commands the group’s attention before they stray.

“And to Ginny for planning it!” he barks, swinging an arm around her neck to drag her onto the couch next to him, planting a kiss on her temple. The boys cheer again, seeming to never tire of a reason to scream about something.

Ginny stays where she is and Shawn feels her distance. He inches closer, shifting from seat to seat in what he hopes is a somewhat subtle way until he’s buckling into the seat beside hers with a sheepish grin.

“Hey, you,” she greets, pleased to see him. Shawn beams back. Sometimes Ginny’s attention feels like the sun -- warm, life-giving, essential. When he doesn’t have it, he craves it like a junkie.

He sits back in his seat and watches the runway past her curls as they begin to taxi.

“Thanks again for doing this,” he murmurs earnestly. It feels especially intimate over the bounce of “Careless” by Dusky on the speakers. Ginny turns her head from the window. She flashes that dangerous smile again that makes him shift in his seat.

“Don’t say that until see your next credit card statement.” She clinks the neck of her bottle against his. Shawn rolls his eyes and forces himself to look away from her.

If the flight is any indication as to the way the rest of this weekend is going, Ginny will have her hands full.

Getting them drunk on the plane was a strategy. The flight was long enough for them to get drunk and sober up again, long enough for her to observe their drunken behavior in a closed, controlled environment. She had to study up.

Chris is a sleepy drunk, he should be easy enough. Jack is a happy, loud, laughing drunk. Gabe is somehow both sleepy and loud all at once.

Geoff, Shawn and Josiah are no mystery, though. Geoff is rowdy, the troublemaker. Josiah is affectionate and happy and… sloppy. Shawn?

Shawn’s a tricky drunk.

It makes sense. He’s such a good boy most of the time. He gets told to be places all day every day. He’s nice to everyone all the time. He’s under insane pressure and refuses to crack. So when he’s got some whiskey in his system, he’s like an easily distracted giant Pomeranian puppy with too much energy. He bounces around, dances, laughs, bolts away from the group on his long, powerful legs just to be obnoxious. He’s a pain in the ass right until he crashes and then? Then he’s impossible.

At least on the plane when he crashes, they don’t have anywhere to be. Ginny remembers once before they got together that he once crashed in the cab heading back to a hotel in Madrid and Ginny had to physically drag him, mumbling and mostly asleep, out of the car. He’s a heavy nightmare when he crashes.

Ginny is a mom drunk. She can seem like she’s trashed, having as much fun as everyone else, getting just as rowdy and wild, but the moment someone responsible is needed, she snaps into sobriety so fast it’s like she never had a drink at all. It’s handy with people like Hannah and Shawn, both of whom will whine at her to “drink more! Catch up!” if they feel insecure about being drunker than she is. Plus, both Hannah and Shawn get tricky at the most inconvenient times.

Just before the crash, Ginny feels it in the air and passes out water bottles and aspirin. No hangovers on day one, she won’t allow it. She plants herself in her seat next to Shawn looking very self-satisfied as she turns down the music. She props her feet up on the edge of Josiah’s seat while he naps, head tilted, long, silky hair billowing with each of his heavy, gin-soaked breaths.

Shawn looks up from her warm brown legs and smiles drowsily. She mimes sipping water and he obeys, his tricky Gremlin side stowed for the time being.

“Were you the mom friend for Hannah’s bachelorette party?” he slurs.

Ginny tilts her head at his voice and laughs. “I was.”

Shawn grumbles under his breath and starts peeling at the wrapper on his bottle. Ginny lifts her eyebrows and hums. He sighs.

“You should let loose more, Gin. Let someone else be repson-- I mean… respond… responsible.”

He’s so cute. Ginny wants to lean over and squeeze his ruddy cheeks. She giggles, flexes and points her feet in flower printed Keds. Her legs are so long. Have they always been that long? He drunkenly wonders.

“Oh yeah? And who would you nominate in my place, then? Geoff?”

Shawn snorts and knocks his knees together, swinging them back and forth so they bump into hers.

“No. Geoff would kill us all.”

They share a glance at Geoff whose face is smashed into a pillow propped up against a window. His arms are crossed. They snicker in unison until Shawn looks back at Ginny. He tilts his head back and sighs dramatically.

“I could be resp--”

“You can’t even pronounce responsible, love.”

Shawn’s smile is slow-spreading and so sexy Ginny’s thighs press together. God, her legs are looooooooon--

Wait.

“You haven’t called me ‘love’ since before we broke up.”

Ginny’s head jerks at the rapid change of subject. She blinks quickly. “What?”

“You used to call me ‘love,’” he explains with another sigh, like slowing down to catch her up is totally cramping his style, “All the time. Even before we were together. And when we broke up you stopped.”

Ginny’s lips come together as if sucked in by the corners. Shawn studies them, imagining if he pressed a napkin against them he’d come away with a perfect lip print. He remembers her lipstick is long wearing and huffs.

“I won’t call you that then,” she replies breezily, reaching for her water bottle.

“‘S fine,” Shawn says with a shrug, knocking his knees back and forth again, slumping down further in his seat, “I don’t mind.”

Ginny’s face softens. She takes a slug from her water bottle and picks at her own label. They’re quiet for a few seconds. Ginny looks over, inhales to speak, but the words stop in her throat when she sees him asleep, pouty lips parted, head hanging heavy against his shoulder. She blinks slowly and sinks her teeth into her lower lip. She presses her finger into the recline button on his armrest that sends him slowly, gently into a more comfortable position. He settles in, smacks his lips and wriggles until he’s comfortable. Ginny sips more water to feel like her heart isn’t exploding out of her chest.

She’s mostly successful in keeping the hangovers at bay by the time they land. Due to her excellent planning, the massive dark-windowed SUV is waiting for them on the tarmac. The boys’ praise is slightly less enthusiastic than pre-flight, chalked up to the fact that they’re still recovering from their mile high party.

It’s another story when they pull up to the villa.

Climbing past expansive Spanish style chateaus and gaudy marvels of architecture, they arrive outside a two-level modern mansion planted on the edge of a cliff overlooking the Mediterranean. It’s gleaming white against the battling blues of sky and sea, dotted with massive windows, floor-to-ceiling on the side of the house that faces the infinity pool, which seems to spill straight into the water below.

The praise is ebullient as they roam the house -- “look at this fucking fridge though!” “Is that an infinity pool?!” “Fuck, we’re never fucking leaving!”

Shawn watches with pride that he supposes isn’t really his to feel when Josiah sweeps Ginny into a swinging hug on the deck overlooking the pool. When they separate, Ginny looks to Shawn automatically and his heart gives a squeeze, like she’s waiting for his approval.

He grins and holds out an arm. She hurries up the stairs to tuck herself under it, wrapping her arm around his waist as they look out at the idiots gleefully throwing themselves fully clothed into the 82-degree pool.

“You’re fucking amazing, you know that right?” Shawn offers, quietly enough that it’s just hers. She chews on her lips and cocks her head like a bashful puppy.

“He deserves a kickass stag,” she replies, like anyone would’ve and could’ve done this. Shawn squeezes the arm around her shoulders.

“And you deserve a goddamn crown for this.”

He swipes his thumb affectionately over the skin of her bare shoulder just once before letting her go, running to launch himself, $250 jeans, Chelsea boots and all, into the deep end, jackknife style.

Ginny squeals, laughing heartily with the rest of the guys as he pops back up, shaking his head like a wet labradoodle. This time it’s his turn to look back to her for approval. She lifts her arms over her head to clap. He preens, splashing around, insisting she jump after him.

It doesn’t take much coaxing for Ginny to kick off her Keds and send herself after the screaming boys by way of the best cannonball any of them has ever seen. She emerges into a wall of rowdy boy voices over the pounding of “One Kiss.” She floats on her back, closing her eyes at the almost throbbing cornflower shade of the sky, not feeling Shawn’s eyes from a few feet away.

The night, as is everything else, is pre-planned perfectly. After a few hours of romping in the pool, hitting a joint rather inexpertly rolled by Chris, they retreat to their rooms to nap. Ginny wakes up around 8pm to Shawn plucking at his guitar quietly, wandering around the house like a traveling minstrel.

Dinner is a truly terrifying amount of pizza ordered to the house eaten in the outdoor lounge with the day’s football highlights (in Spanish, of course) on the TV. Ginny mutters bitterly, as is customary, about Arsenal’s “chronic full back problem” through tiny bites of pizza and huge slugs of Stella.

By around 11, pizza and beer are put aside for harder stuff. Some switch to liquor, some carry on with weed, everyone gets ready for their first night out.

Shawn, in signature black skinnies, Chelsea boots and a silky black button up, finished his hair routine earlier than expected and wanders the west end of the house aimlessly, pretending to study the odd modern art and furniture. He’s fiddling with his necklace and second guessing his bracelet choice when he hears her voice.

Shawn follows the lilting sound of it singing The Temptations down a hallway he doesn’t even think he’s found yet because god, this place is huge, like he’s Prince Philip searching for Aurora in the forest. He finds her door and knocks twice with a light rap of his knuckles.

“Come in!”

Shawn lets himself in and gravitates to her, glowing in the slightly orange light of her bathroom. With a tube of MAC lipstick and her vape pen in one hand, Ginny is hovering about two inches from the mirror, her finger poking at her eye.

“Hiya,” she hums, wincing when she makes a jab that misses its target. He wrinkles his nose and steps closer.

“What are you doing?”

Ginny recedes from the mirror and blinks, moving her finger. There’s an uneven patch of gold leaf clinging partly to the inner corner, partly to her finger. Shawn chuckles. She pouts.

“Looked easy on YouTube…” she defends weakly, leaning back in to the mirror, closing one heavily mascara-ed eye to focus on fixing the other. Shawn watches her prod a few more times before he steps in with a clearing of his throat.

“Kay, let me try?”

He’s tugging on her arm and leaning in before she can answer. She flutters both eyes shut and feels the gentle pressure of his fingertip in the corner of her eye, adjusting gently until he’s satisfied.

“There.”

Ginny looks up. His smile is placid, his cheeks are pink. She blinks quickly and checks the mirror. He matched the other eye perfectly. She grins.

“For that you’ve earned a hit of this.” She offers the vape pen with a wink. Shawn accepts it, inhaling deeply, holding the vapor in for a few seconds and releasing it slowly behind her as she swipes on her lipstick.

He likes watching her get ready, always has. He used to be a bigger pain in the ass, standing behind her, sucking on her earlobe while she was trying to apply eyeliner or something. These days he stands back and watches her work.

While she’s distracted by carefully outlining the plump curves of her lips, he can check her out subtly. She’s in a deep maroon crop top and clingy skirt set that makes her deep caramel skin seem to shimmer. She smells like her coconut body oil, the only kind of fragrance she ever wears. Her curls are springy and bright. She’s unabashedly tall in strappy platforms that have her at his height even without her hair.

She’s fucking radiant. He won’t say a word about it.

She pulls back from the mirror for a look. She’s abandoned her signature red matte lipstain tonight for a dark burgundy shade that matches her outfit and sports a glossier finish. It makes him lick his lips and try not to wish he was licking hers. He tells himself it’s the weed talking. He takes another hit from her pen.

“Gonna share, Mendes?” she prompts.

You? Never.

Yep, the weed is going to his head. He hands off the pen willingly and watches her lipstick leave a splotch of her behind before she tucks it into her little clutch and leads him outside.

He’s got to shake this. He’s been so good about not indulging in his feelings, all of them, any of them, that pertained to her. Up until this weekend. They’ve had six months of good, solid recovery time since the break up. With the way his mind is babbling at him right now, it’s like it wants him to fuck all that up. He can’t let that happen.

At least not until he knows he’s ready for her.

He accepts the swig of scotch from the flask Geoff offers him as they’re piling into the car to take them to their first stop, Pacha.

A flash of Shawn’s smile is all it takes to get them ushered quickly to their reserved table in the VIP section behind the DJ booth. Once again, the boys look impressed, so Ginny sits smugly with her legs crossed, gazing around the club. It’s high season in Ibiza -- Pacha will be filled to capacity all night with a line snaking around the block until they close at 6am. They won’t stay that long, they have another table waiting for them at Amnesia, a 15 minute drive inland.

This is not Ginny’s first tangle with the White Isle. She’s been flying out for weekends here and there since she was 17. Ibiza has long been a favorite of Ginny’s and Hannah’s, but Ginny has never experienced it like this. Like everything else that comes with Shawn, it’s a step above. The table is already littered with booze. A very attentive and attractive waitress makes herself available immediately. She watches Shawn grin up at her politely and order a whiskey ginger, and then looks to the waitress to watch her shoulders drop, her smile spread and her giggle rise up in her throat. Ginny tries not to roll her eyes.

“Take it easy, Mendes, the megawatt smile is a lot for the uninitiated to take.”

Shawn’s at the part of the night where he smirks at her instead of blushing and insisting he’s just being polite, that he doesn’t know what she could possibly mean by that. He sits back in his chair and bites at the inside of his lip.

“Uninitiated? What does the initiation involve?”

Ginny plays along, leaning across to him as she thinks. He watches her eyes turn up to the light rigging in the ceiling and lets himself indulge in admiring her.

“Well first comes the superstar smile. Once you can handle that without your knees turning jello-y, you come up against the gentle Canadian boy modesty and the ‘eh’s and ‘a-boats’ that come with it,” She pauses to watch Shawn tip his head back and laugh hard, “And the trifecta. That laugh that makes me want to put on a performance and make you laugh all day long. I’d raise hell for that laugh.”

The silence that follows is as charged as the room around them that they ignore. They stare at each other in a way they haven’t in months. Neither looks away while they try to understand the moment, and even more so, try to make it last because neither of them knows when they’ll get the chance to look at each other this way without the possibility of getting caught by the people that constantly surround them.

Ginny breaks first, being the more sober of the two. She clears her throat and tucks a hand through her hair, scrunching some curls back into place. Shawn keeps watching.

The chance of being caught by friends or fans is very low. First of all, their friends have scattered to explore the pulsing club, scouting for girls or for other celebrities. Secondly, Shawn is not nearly the most interesting famous person in the room tonight. On their way into the VIP section, Ginny spotted at least half the cast of The Only Way is Essex plus Martin Garrix plus Paris Hilton and their corresponding crews, all of whom attract more attention than the sweet Canadian kid who doesn’t get tricky until at least three drinks in.

Ginny stops Shawn just short of “tricky” and gathers the boys into the car again to skip off to Amnesia. They stick together this time, tucked away in another VIP booth that feels more private than the first. Ginny is bouncing Euro coins off the table and landing them in her friends’ drinks with a wild gleam in her eye. When she catches him watching her, she slips him a coin of his own with a wink.

The coin corresponds with drink number four. Shawn gets creative, positioning a coin on one end of a spoon and smacking the other to aim it at his friends’ foreheads. When he gets Chris in the eye, Ginny takes the coin back, plucks it out of Shawn’s scrabbling fingers as he apologizes profusely.

David Guetta goes on at 3am for a special set and gets the rest of the guys off their asses to dance. Shawn, even at his trickiest, doesn’t get on the dance floor. Ginny usually can be persuaded, but tonight, she hangs back with him, her chin propped on the table as she flips the coin against the surface by pressing onto the edge with her thumbnail.

She’s mouthing the words to “Titanium” but her chin is flat to the table so her head bobs oddly as she opens and closes her mouth. In his drunken state, Shawn is mesmerized. The motion of it, rather inconveniently, reminds Shawn of other times when he watched her head bob rhythmically like that.

“Hey, do you remember the last time we had sex?”

Ginny looks up, looking less startled than he imagines they would if they were both sober. She pulls her brows together and looks thoughtful.

“I think so. The first night in Tokyo.”

Of course she remembers. She’s Ginny. She remembers everything.

Shawn turns his head down guiltily to his lap. “I don’t really remember.”

Ginny smiles at her secret. She presses the pad of her thumb into the coin and decides to ignore potential consequences of getting into this with him.

“We were unpacking in Tokyo. You couldn’t keep your hands off me,” she relays with a smirk. He doesn’t argue. That sounds like him.

“You were mumbling something into my neck about the schedule for the next few days but you pushed your hand into my leggings at the same time. I kissed you and told you we can either talk schedule or fuck, but we couldn’t do both at once.”

Shawn grins at the memory she’s dug out of his subconscious. “I picked fuck.”

“You certainly did.”

Ginny doesn’t choose to elaborate further about the way he grunted with each heavy stroke into her body, that he felt like he was chasing something down inside her and she was willing and eager to let him try. Ginny lowers her gaze, thinking now that whatever it was, he didn’t find it.

“Sometimes with stuff like that you wish you knew it was the last time,” Shawn muses.

Ginny swallows awkwardly against the table and lifts her head. She props up her elbows and knows her brain will shift to overanalysis when she’s sober about the fact that he basically just admitted that he wasn’t planning for very long to end things with her. There’s a lot to unpack there.

“You remember the last time we kissed?” he prods. She looks up again. She shakes her head.

“Me neither,” Shawn breathes, “You deserved more from me.”

Her eyes flutter shut. She doesn’t know why he’s talking like this and she doesn’t know why she’s not stopping him.

Her eyes startle open again when she feels his fingers link with hers across the table. She looks down at them because it’s safer than looking at him.

“Let me give you something good, Gin.”

She’s nodding before he even says her name. When she looks up, he’s leaning halfway over their table, scooping his hand under her chin to press his lips to hers. Despite his intoxication, he’s smooth and slow and molten hot, murmuring gently into her mouth before he sucks on her lower lip and releases her.

“Oh god, yes,” Ginny moans, reaching up to yank him back in by his collar for more.

Shawn’s lips are wet and swollen; he’s been chewing on them all night. They’re both drunkenly panting into the kiss, it’s not a particularly sexy kiss to witness, but to them, it’s everything they’ve been craving since they let each other go last year.

Shawn grunts when he tries to get closer and feels the edge of the table jut into his ribs. He pries himself away long enough to scurry around it and climb into the booth next to her, throwing an arm around her shoulder and sucking her back in.

If they don’t think about it, it’s not bad. This does not have to be a disaster. This can be just a bachelor weekend thing, the equivalent of them hooking up with strangers, only it’s safer because Shawn runs a risk any time he takes home someone who could open her mouth and blab about it on the internet. This way, with Ginny, he’s safe.

Plus, they’re just making out. No way this leads to fucking. I mean, it could. And maybe that wouldn’t be so bad either. Not unrecoverable, at least. It’s just fucking. It’s a biological imperative. And after all, who are Ginny and Shawn to turn their noses up at biology?

Shawn sucks at her tongue and makes her moan into his mouth like a porn star. She actually feels the hair on the back of his neck stand up from where she’s raking her fingers through his curls.

“Goddamn, we leave you alone for ten minutes and you’re trying to swallow each other in public,” Geoff groans from over Shawn’s shoulder. Shawn’s closed eyes squeeze and he pulls away to Ginny’s cheek. When he collects himself, he turns his head to glare at Geoff.

“What do you want?”

Geoff looks delighted to have interrupted. He nods back to Gabe and Jack who have one of Josiah’s arms over each shoulder.

“Time to go. Groom to be’s had it.”

Shawn looks back to Ginny who, in true Ginny form, already has her phone out texting the car service to meet them in the VIP pickup area.

They stay close, though. Ginny hands him a napkin to swipe at the purple lipstick all over the lower half of his face, but she doesn’t drift. While they wait for the car, she even lets him kiss her again, and it’s less frantic and hungry than in the club. It feels more like it did when they didn’t know which kiss would be their last. Shawn likes it better this way.

They continue kissing in the car, ignoring the barfing noises the other guys mime to drown out the wet sucking noises of their lips. They kiss at the front entrance while Ginny hands Jack the keys to the villa. They kiss while they walk down the hall all the way up to where Ginny presses Shawn into his door and nips at his lower lip to feel him growl one more time.

She slides her long fingered hands up his chest and pushes away. Her bleary eyes meet his. He looks half fucked, lips almost comically swollen and again smeared heavily with her lipstick that he’s licking at like it’s melting ice cream, eyes glassy, hair a wreck. He looks like a caricature of someone who’s been necking for 45 minutes.

Ginny takes a deep breath and nods once, all business. “Goodnight, Shawn.”

She twists his door handle and lets him stumble backwards inside enough for her to close it behind him and disappear, clomping away in her loud shoes to her own room.

Ginny wakes with a start at the sound of a splash from the pool. Her shoulders clench, her back tenses, her fingers tighten around their grip on the pillow she’s smashed her face into. Her heart sprints for a minute until she recognizes she is, in fact, alone.

She pushes up on her hands, sniffs and sighs. She’s stark naked, having shed her clothes in a haphazard line from door to bed. When she opens her eyes, she winces at the sight of her pillow, which looks like her face melted into it -- patches of foundation, mascara and lipstick dotted with two bits of gold leaf right where her eyes would’ve been.

Thank god she went to bed alone. It is her only mercy from the night before.

She stumbles into the shower and scrubs at what remains of her face. Tequila leaks out of her pores. She throws on a red cotton romper that skims the swell of her ass and goes outside to find the boys and hydrate.

Half are lazing in the pool playing more EDM that for some reason sounds a lot less appealing than it did yesterday, half are sitting under the cover of the outdoor lounge. Someone made bloody marys. Someone ordered breakfast burritos. Ginny grabs a water bottle and makes a beeline for Shawn, splayed on a couch in a t-shirt and boxers with his guitar in his lap.

“We are morons,” she announces on her approach, flopping down across from him, propping her feet up and taking a sip.

“Fucking idiots,” he agrees without looking up at her, bobbing his head as he riddles out a melody.

“We’re ok, though, right? No feelings hurt?” she checks, ignoring the wailing voice in her head that reminds her of her own stupid feelings.

Shawn does look up now, an easy smile on his lips, smooth from practice, a smile that doesn’t hint at all at the crying of the voice in his own head. “All good. No worries, Gin.”

The day is lazy. There’s napping, smoking, football and more bad takeout. Night two is at Ushuaia and it goes unspoken that Ginny and Shawn are to stay sober and, more importantly, away from each other.

They’re successful. Ginny shimmies in body glitter and a rusty orange bikini. Shawn is in a tank top and skinny jeans again and the body glitter he borrows is his idea, not hers, and he doesn’t ask her to help him put it on. They stay ten feet from each other all night, spinning like tops, trying not to be the one who falls down first.

Please help cure my Ibiza hangover and buy me a Ko-fi (link on main page)!

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pleaserelaxslowly · 4 years

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Quarantined!

A 30 day song challenge from instagram that I decided to do. I didn’t post it though. As always, my playlists are for myself or for others as gifts. It’s not like I have anything else to do as I’m currently self-isolating due to COVID-19 trying to stay healthy and not carry anything if I’m infected but asymptomatic.

Day one A song you like with a color in the title: “Crystalline Green” by Goldfrapp A good start for a playlist

Day two A song you like with a number in the title: “700 Mile Situation” by Res A sadly underplayed song in my library

Day three A song that reminds you of summertime: “Resonance” by HOME Simpsonwave driving in the car in a summer sunset

Day four A song that reminds you of someone you’d rather forget: “Back That Ass Up” by Juvenile Mirna

Day five A song that needs to be played loud: “Horror Head” by Curve Driving in my car, volume all the way up to hear all the background and effects mixed low in the track

Day six A song that makes you want to dance: “Oranges” by Mark E Downloaded it and loved it. Boy Friend posted it on Facebook and captioned it “It’s the 90s!” Danced on ecstasy with several others at a party at Kassandra and Fatih’s apartment after I sneaked over to Fatih’s DJ setup and played it while he was away. Came over another day to find that Kassandra had been playing it on repeat

Day seven A song to drive to: “In the City” by Chromatics Driving after 4:00 in the morning through the backstreets of Detroit

Day eight A song about drugs or alcohol: “Heroin” by The Velvet Underground I did heroin once. It made me very sick and I never did it again. My very good friend at the time, Megan Cole (and another friend Melissa Nazarek), got addicted to it (and crack), and after leaving a crack pipe in my house, I was forbidden from seeing her again. After that we lost touch. I often wonder what happened to them, if they’re alive, where they may be now. Last time I saw, Megan had children and was married, living in the same city, working at a pizza parlor

Day nine A song that makes you happy: “Adult Oriented Cha-Cha” by Pizzicato Five Japanese cha-cha from the 90s. So strange. It makes me smile

Day ten A song that makes you sad: “The Spangle Maker” by Cocteau Twins The laying in a bathtub suicidal thoughts harrowing song. I wonder what they were thinking when they wrote this. I can only imagine

Day eleven A song you never get tired of: “Black Milk” by Massive Attack I’ve been playing this track since it came out. The first playlist that remains containing this track is the old “Karma Therapy” playlist from about 2000. The last time was when we took LSD on Büyükada in İstanbul (me, Fatih, Kassandra, Ubeyd, Mark and Annes) and Matt came along with a speaker and played our “The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test, Part 2″ playlist with this song on it. We stopped on the way back from the woods headed to the AirBnB, and I was in a heavy head-space going through a low moment in the cycle. I sat on the curb with Faith, this song playing, and watched the stone gate across the street, each stone resembling a face twisting into a sinister expression

Day twelve A song from your preteen years “What Is Love” by En Vogue The first tape I ever bought was “Funky Divas” by En Vogue and I loved this track.

Day thirteen A song you like from the 70s: “St. Elmo’s Fire” by Eno I love Stereolab and found a great cover of theirs of this track, so I decided to check it out. No wonder they wanted to cover it

Day fourteen A song you’d love to be played at your wedding: “It Could Be Sweet” by Portishead I always imagined this song playing at the reception. I wouldn’t want the typical wedding garbage played at my wedding, more like low-key lounge-y stuff

Day fifteen A song you like that’s a cover by another artist: “Gruesome Castle” by Wild Nothing I almost chose “Sweet Jane” by Cowboy Junkies, but I love the original just as much. I opted for this one because I like it more than the original. My first summer in İstanbul with friends enjoying a full social life saw me leaving my apartment walking down the street to Kassandra’s house listening to this track

Day sixteen A song that’s a classic favorite: “Rhythm Is a Dancer” by SNAP! How sad that 90s tracks are now considered “classics”

Day seventeen A song you’d sing a duet with someone on karaoke: “The Closer I Get to You” by Roberta Flack and Donny Hathaway I love love love this track. In high school, my friends Kristen and Stephanie (who are black) laughed at me and said I like the music their parents listen to (i.e. 60s, 70s and 80s R&B). I don’t even care, I like anything that’s good

Day eighteen A song from the year you were born: “The Hand That Rocks the Cradle” by The Smiths February 20, 1984. Very close to my birthday

Day nineteen A song that makes you think about life: “If You’re Feeling Sinister” by Belle & Sebastian Riding on the servis to work in the morning thinking deeply about the lyrics and imagining other possible lives I could live

Day twenty A song that has many meanings to you: “Sullen Girl” by Fiona Apple Lots of sad nights alone, but also once I was told that a gay guy that I was interested in sat at Denny’s with another friend and they drunkenly sang this song together. I bought this album one summer staying at my grandfather’s house for vacation in Oklahoma. I saw the “Sleep to Dream” video on MTV and went out to buy the album and “Supa Dupa Fly” by Missy ‘Misdemeanor’ Elliott

Day twenty one A song you like with a person’s name in the title: “Steve McQueen” by M83 From one of the playlists I made of people’s names. Love how gay and dramatic this one is

Day twenty two A song that moves you forward: “Everybody Got Their Something” by Nikka Costa Great hopeful inspirational lyrics. ‘People keeping score so better hurry up and gets yours because somebody else has got your spot before you even try... Busy holding on so the roof don’t fly’ really speak to me. I saw the video for ‘Like a Feather’ and loved the sound and her voice

Day twenty three A song you think everybody should listen to: “Vista” by iamamiwhoami Chris showed me this group because it’s sad electronic music with female vocals (which he knows I love). I instantly fell in love, and think Jonna Lee could be way more popular than she is. It’s hard for foreigners to make it in the US. I shared her with my friend Holly, and Holly fell in love, and Holly’s not necessarily living for sad electronic music with female vocals in particular. It shows the power to transcend taste

Day twenty four A song by a band you wish were still together: “Bocca della verità” by Boy Friend After SLEEP ∞ OVER broke up, two of the members formed this band. In fact, I almost chose a song from SLEEP ∞ OVER, but all the best songs are after Stefanie Franciotti was alone, so technically not a band. Boy Friend publicly showed support for the LGBTQIA+ community, which I love. Sadly, they are no longer performing together. More sad electronic music with a female singer

Day twenty five A song you like by an artist no longer living: “Miss Brown to You” by Billie Holiday Such a sad life, and an even sadder demise. That’s how it was for blues and jazz singers in those days

Day twenty six A song that makes you want to fall in love: “Without Your Love” by The Venus Transmission A long time ago, I made a delicious (sadly now lost) playlist of thick atmospheric deep tracks for Valentine’s Day. This was on it, a lost jewel from the days of MySpace artists that never really got to see any serious success

Day twenty seven A song that breaks your heart: “Walk This Earth Alone” by Lauren Christy How is this different from day ten (a sad song)? Anyway, I can’t even ever really listen to this song the whole way through. I can’t get past more than a few seconds. As I write this list, I listen to each track I’m discussing as I type. For this entry, I paused the track, I just can’t listen to it. It’s from when I was a paperboy and realizing I was gay and feeling the worst, most loathsome, darkest, most hideous and violent, dangerous feelings that I never ever want to feel again

Day twenty eight A song by an artist whose voice you love: “Paradise (Remix)” by Sade It’s always a tie for me between Sade and Seal. I decided on Sade. Such a smokey delicious voice. I always say if Sade and Seal ever had a child, it would be over in the recording industry

Day twenty nine A song you remember from your childhood: “Calling All Angels” by Jane Siberry featuring k.d. lang My mom used to have a compilation CD called “In Search of Angels.” My mom loves the idea of angels and guardian angels. Her home is full of angel-related art and knickknacks. She probably bought the compilation from The Hallmark Store or some awful place like that. Either way, it reminds me of childhood. I used to steal the CD and listen to this track. It’s super adult contemporary and super soft-serve, but I like it anyway. Like I said before, if it’s good, I like it

Day thirty A song that reminds you of yourself: “Immature” by Björk This one was the hardest one. No songs really remind me of me. I don’t relate to music that way, I think. Either way, this does take me back to a time when I might have tried to get back with my ex-boyfriend Dan Lopez. Good think I didn’t, we are NOT good together

#30-day song challenge #playlist #play list #covid-19 #corona virus #coronavirus #quarantine #isolation #social distancing #stay at home

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kittykates · 4 years

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#vaKATEtion: Thaila-la-land 2017 Part 01

One of my favorite Leonardo DiCaprio movie is The Beach. Some says that the movie has ruined the Lord of the Flies book for the generation X which was written by Alex Garland. Honesty, the beginning of the movie was spectacular but towards the end, it was not adapted very well since the book was freaking auhhhmazing.

Anyway, why am I rambling about The Beach? Because on my bucket list, Thailand is one of the country I look forward to exploring and the setting of the book and the movie is in Thailand ( But they say that Alex Garland inspiration is the Philippines).

Thailand is the most famous gateway to Asia by almost all back packers, tourist and travelers across the globe. I’ve met people here in Dubai and outside of it who always say that Thailand is one of the best place they’ve been to and I get it. People are gravitating towards a place full of culture, amazing food, spectacular beaches, one of a kind parties, and generally locals who are very hospitable and has a great disposition in life.

I, myself, was not immune to it’s charm thus, the reason why my best friend Jay and I planned our first trip outside the Philippines and Dubai to be none other than Thailand.

Ko Wua Talap, Ang Thong National Marine Park

We wanted to experience Thailand on it’s full glory and we went their during the summer of this year visiting 5 of the top places to go when in Thailand.

Bangkok

Koh Samui

Koh Pangan

Phuket

Phi Phi Islands

Since my best friend and I are both in the travel industry, we drafted our own itinerary researching hard on the best routes, transportation, party to go to, accommodations and places we both want to see.

It was a challenge because we have only 7 days to visit 5 different places and try to experience and be a pseudo-backpacker.

From Manila we traveled to Bangkok and only stayed for 10 hours before flying to Koh Samui.

Got a good deal with Thai Airways

Riding the BTS to the city

We wanted to eat authentic Thai food and experience the wild side of Bangkok. An overnight experience was not enough but we did try to make the most out of it.

We went around Sukhumvit Road and bar hopped a little. Drinking local beers and people watch. There are so many expats and tourist around it feels like I’m still in Dubai.

We headed to Bangkok’s red light district in Patpong and I got amazed on how legit pretty are the Lady Boys are. I can say it was an experience.

Going local in Bangkok

The bars are facing each other and tables and chairs scattered the street so you can just sit down, grab your favorite poison and enjoy the show. People may get a little rowdy as the night goes on but it’s already expected.

The mango sticky rice was the champion of my night. All the best food are just food stalls by the side of the road or hole in the wall type of restaurant. Those legit thai taste you are looking for are prepared by the locals effortlessly plus is so cheap you can stuff your face until you cry sriracha sauce.

By two in the morning, we are already rushing to the airport to catch our flight to Koh Samui.

Koh Samui has the best looking airport for me with it’s open style. You’ll get the look and feel of a tropical island once you landed and checked out.

There are so many good places to stay in Koh Samui. If you’re a couple who are in their honeymoon the best place would be Maenam. If you will be going with your families go check out Bhoput and Lamai area. But if you’re like us, wannabe backpackers, party goers and adventure junkies, the best place to stay is in Chaweng beach and the number one hotel in the area is Ark Bar Beach Resort. Just make sure to choose a room far from the beach since it tends to get a little bit noisy when the party starts.

You know which bed is mine :))))))

We checked in, freshen up, put on our swimsuits and had coffee while waiting for our pick up for our full day tour of Ang Thong National Marine Park. It is an archipelago of over forty islands in the central gulf coast of Southern Thailand.

All of the islands are uninhabited and undeveloped except for two. One being Ko Wua Talap where the famous viewpoint and head quarter is located and other, Ko Paluay, which is inhabited by some locals who still earn a living from fishing.

Mind you we did not have any sleep after partying in Bangkok and we are running on low energy but the trip would be so worth it so had to push it.

We got our tour package with 100 Degrees East. We had so many options but this is by far the best tour package since they have their own speedboat and there are so many good reviews about them. They did not disappoint. Their team are fun, very friendly and accommodating.

From the life jacket which is by the way clean unlike most jackets on different tours, their snorkeling gears and diving gears are top notch.

The people who can join the tour is very limited to only 10 people however, it actually is better than joining big groups where in you won’t really be able to bond with all the people on the tour.

The local authorities manning the Marine Park will not allow boats to travel without life jackets even though you know how to swim. Safety first!

On our way to the Marine Park which would take around 30 to 40 minutes.

It was drizzling a bit but a little rain won’t be able to stop us.

The salt in my mouth at this point was overflowing due to over snorkeling. It was awesome though. We saw some sting rays, bazillions of sea urchins if you get tired of swimming you’d probably be dead once you step on them, a tiny barracuda and my heart skipped a bit, transparent fishies ( I don’t know what they are called), millions of dory and many more. I keep following the fishes, our guide was probably pissed off. HAHAHA

Thai feast in this beautiful island

We then kayaked around the other islands for us to explore them.

You can see the Sphinx like island on our back ground

Amazed at how beautiful are the islands

Our crew/bangkero/tour guide/life guard/waiter are the best photographers. They basically know where is the right angle to take good photos of all the islands we can visit and explore. Super props to these guys.

Beshies 2017

Ko Wua Talap, this is the headquarters of the Ang Thong Marine Park. This view is seen in so many postcards of Thailand I just had to take plenty of photos here.

Tanned AF

You had to trek to get to this place so it is advisable to bring rubber shoes/ trekking shoes. But since we were wearing our slippers only we did not trek until the highest view point. Now that I think of it, I’m kind of disappointed but I was very tired so.......Yeah.....Lame excuses.

It was well worth it though and this post was suppose to be for 2017.

Guess what? It’s 2020 and I still want to post it. Fuck it!:)

#thailand #bangkok #kohsamui #kohpangan #fullmoonparty #phuket #phiphiisland #boozecruise #vacation #travel #asia #beaches

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nightquills · 6 years

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For @fxvixen for the @aftgexchange! One of the things you asked for was Nicky seeing Andrew and Neil in an intimate moment but deciding to not bother them—and I hope I provided something along those lines. Happy holidays!

Nicky feels high as a kite right now, pumped off the night’s win even as his muscles ache and his clothes stick to him with sweat. He jumps his way to the shower, exchanging grins with Neil, nods with Aaron and Kevin, and celebratory whoops with Matt and some of the freshmen as he goes.

He spends a minute luxuriating under the hot spray of the shower before he starts to wash himself off in earnest, trying to get himself clean so he can hitch a ride with Aaron and Katelyn to grab a bite with some of the Vixens before heading back to party at Fox Tower.

He really does rush through getting ready, so it probably shouldn’t come as a surprise when he realizes, as Katelyn is pulling out of the parking lot, that he left his phone in the jacket inside his locker.

Aaron gives a petulant groan when Nicky voices this, only upping the volume when Nicky protests, “But what if Erik calls me?! I need my phone!”

Katelyn, sweetheart that she is, tries to turn the car around, but the number of people and vehicles flowing out from around the stadium soon show that that’s pretty much impossible.

Nicky sighs and says as much to Katelyn and Aaron. He steps out of the car into the snowy air, shivering as the breeze tousles his wet hair, and tells Katelyn to try and find somewhere to pull over outside to wait for him as he goes back on foot.

Nicky works his way back through the lot to the stadium with his hands buried in the pocket of his hoodie, only taking them out to flip off the cars that honk at him in complaint when he cuts across the rows. Honestly, people act like they’ve never seen a pedestrian before when they’re trying to hurry somewhere. Ridiculous.

By the time Nicky navigates his way back to the locker rooms, he’s sure that enough time has passed for them to have emptied out completely.

It comes as a surprise, then, when he walks in and is greeted by the sight of Andrew sitting on one of the benches, a freshly showered Neil standing in front of him and seemingly… Helping him out of his gear?

Andrew immediately turns to look at him as the door closes, betraying Nicky’s presence with a squeak of protest. Andrew raises an unimpressed eyebrow in Nicky’s direction, raising a hand to grab Neil’s wrist and stop him from the way he begins to pull away and step back.

Nicky opens his mouth, teasing comments at the ready, and then he takes in the tired slope of Andrew’s shoulders, the defensive hunch of Neil’s posture.

He remembers, then, the fact that Andrew had been in the goal for most of the night’s game—Renee was still recovering from an ankle injury a couple games back, and the new goalies still weren’t quite up to par. Andrew had pretty much shut down the goal every moment he was in it to make up for the balls the others had let in.

He must be exhausted. Instead of letting loose any of the comments he had readied, Nicky just says, “Left my phone behind! Just came back to grab it real quick.” He’s met with a nod from Neil and a dismissive turn of the head from Andrew.

Nicky walks over to his locker, pointedly telling himself not to stare as Neil continues to strip the outer layers of Andrew’s padding. He can’t help that his ears are focused on every sound from the pair as he puts in his combination, though—he’s not a saint.

“I thought I was supposed to be the junkie always over-doing it, huh?” he hears Neil murmur. “What’s your excuse, then? Early Christmas present?”

“How about the pitiful look on your face when Thomas let in three goals in a row? It was pretty fucking sad. I knew I’d have to deal with you later if we lost.”

“Ahhh, I see.” Even though he’s turned away, Nicky can hear the smile in Neil’s voice. “How entirely selfish of you, then. Only stepping up to avoid having to deal with some pouting.” “When have I even claimed to have a single non-selfish bone in my body? You’re mistaken to think otherwise.”

“Am I, though? You want me to make a list of all the times that prove otherwise?”

“...123%, moron. Just hurry up. You owe me ice cream.”

“Andrew, it is literally almost snowing outside. How can you want ice cream right now?” “124%—you heard me, Neil.”

“Fine, but don’t think you can try to blame it on me when you’re cold again later. And I’m not carrying the pint you try to bring home.” “Bold of you to assume there’ll be any left by that point.”

“I know there’ll be some left, if only so you can stick the carton in the freezer to taunt Kevin.”

“...Perhaps,” Andrew concedes.

At this point, Nicky is definitely stalling—his phone is in his hands, and he knows that he’s definitely keeping Aaron and Katelyn waiting.

It’s just that he never really gets to see Andrew and Neil like this, showing their care for one another, teasing with no heat behind their barbs. Nicky sees them like this and finds it hard to believe he ever thought the relationship between them was ever just physical.

And Andrew actually seems to feel now—or maybe that’s not fair of Nicky to say to say. Andrew shows it now, at least sometimes, and it’s not the drug-induced mania of before with its fake smiles and empty laughs.

Seeing them like they are now is a comfort; when Andrew and Neil are like this together, it’s almost like they’re just another couple, happy together with none of the baggage, none of the past traumas underlying every interaction.

(And Nicky knows as terrible as it is, that’s part of what’s drawn them together—like recognizing like. But he just wishes that they never would have experienced it in the first place, that Andrew’s childhood had no shadows haunting it and that Neil had no scars marking him. It’s a futile wish, but damn if he doesn’t hope for it still.)

Nicky shuts his locker, making sure to shut the door just loud enough to give warning that he’s turning around. He gives the boys a wave over his shoulder as he turns to leave, saying his “See you later” and “Drive safe” as he goes. It’s better not to show them how broadly he’s smiling—maybe if he doesn’t comment on how cute they are, they’ll act like this more often in front of him.

That would be enough of a present for him.

>AO3<

#andreil #the foxhole court #all for the game #aftgexchange #neil josten #andrew minyard #nicky hemmick #my writing #as always please tolerate my excessive use of em dashes #they're my lifeblood #claim to fame #ognqs

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a-tragedy-told-in-metals · 4 years

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A Tragedy Told In Metals: Copper & Arsenic

Chapter: 2 link AO3

Playlist (Youtube) Playlist (Spotify)

Songs 4-8 apply to this chapter

CW: past child sexual abuse, past child abuse, vomiting, panic attacks

Toni jumped awake, her heart beating in her chest a million miles an hour. She glanced around to find what was attacking her, but she wasn't even sure what to look for. The racing calmed down as her eyes and mind adjusted to being awake, and she saw Rhodey standing in her room.

“Rhodey bear!” Toni pushed herself up “Why are you trying to kill me?”

“Not kill you, just wake you up,” Rhodey said, sitting next to her on the bed

“You weren’t supposed to be coming today. Right?”

“No, but I was sent to give you this.”

Toni took a manila envelope from Rhodey and squinted at the writing in the dim light of her bedroom. Toi’s mouth ran dry at the words.

“They want my armour this bad,” Toni muttered.

“Well, yeah.”

“They can’t have it. I told them that months ago.”

“The US military is not big on the word ‘no’”

“I’m aware. “ Toni said through gritted teeth

“Look, I tried to tell them off, but I’m not exactly in a position to be telling the top brass what to do. Not to mention I’m known as a biased party.”

“I really don’t want to go in front of Congress.”

“They can subpoena people.”

“I know. But I’m just mad they think they have a right to my things. They are my things, what the fuck do they think they’re gonna do with it? They can’t even get their drones to shoot straight, they think they can understand the Iron Queen?”

“ I’m pretty sure they want to blow stuff up, they don’t care about understanding the tech. Not to mention this would bring Stark Industries back under the thumb of the military.

“Iron Queen has JARVIS built into it, no one knows about him.”

“Look I’m not saying give ‘em the full suit. But you do have to come to the meeting. For me?”

“Fine, whatever,” Toni grumbled.

“Thanks, baby girl.” Rhodey kissed the top of her head.

~~~~~

Toni was in her most official looking clothes, sitting on the stupid bench and being followed by both celebrity paparazzi and political news junkies. This is what always happens, everyone has to have an opinion. Having Happy and Rhodey backing her was nice; they made sure no creeps were right behind her. Rhodey gave her a reassuring smile from across the aisle. Toni just rolled her eyes back.

The Senators filed in, and Toni's stomach flopped when she spotted Stern amongst the assembled blowhards. The irritation she’d been carrying turned into thick repulsion.

The stupid hearing was called to start and Toni squeezed the edge of the seat hard to keep herself in the moment.

“Ms. Stark, we have called this hearing to discuss the matter of the weapon you call the Iron Queen armour. Do you understand?” Senator Williams, the head of the committee.

A spike of annoyance cut through the inky depths of shame and fear at his condescending tone “It’s not a weapon.”

“Then what is it, exactly?

“As you said, it’s armour. Not just some bomb or gun.”

A new Senator spoke, “We recognize it’s a complex weapon. Which is why we need it, this kind of tech could be so effective in the hands of people who have the ability to regulate it.”

“You don’t know how to regulate it-- also, since I’m the only one with it, isn't it already regulated?”

“Right now you’re the only one, but other people are already trying to replicate your weapon.”

A video of poor copies of her tech played over. The Senators listed the countries imitating her. None of them even had the repulsor tech to get the suits into flight. Not to mention none of them had a proper reactor; their poor copies of her arc reactor were dying before they could even get the first shot off.

“None of those people are even close to what I’ve made. Those aren’t a threat to anyone.”

“Right now none of them are. But you owe it to your country to allow us to have the tech to protect people. It’s what SI has been known to do, both Obadiah Stane and your father understood that. Your company has a history of patriotism, it would be a shame to let them down. ”

Toni glared at them. She stole a glance of Rhodey who had an expression that read “Oh fuck” and Toni took a deep breath.

“No, you see, I don't owe you anything. I said no more weapons sales and I meant it, and Iron Queen isn’t even Stark Industries property. I’ve been spending the last months giving back by protecting people and cleaning up the messes that Stark Industries has created, thanks to me and those men that you hold in such high esteem. By not giving it to you or anyone else, I'm already protecting people,” Toni said, her tone as measured as possible.

“But you have no right to monopolize this tech. A civilian shouldn’t have this power, especially not someone with your record of irresponsibility. Those suits are dangerous and rightfully belong to the government so you don’t cause any more mayhem. You will be compensated.” Senator Stern growled.

To her genuine surprise, her fear completely left her, rage burning through her veins instead as she stared down the man who had tried to rape her. She wanted more than anything to just punch him in his dumb, possessive mouth so he would never talk down to her again.

“Oh, but you see the armour and I are one and the same. I can’t give you just the suit. Buying the suit would be like buying me, a person. That sounds like prostitution which I’m sure the Senate doesn’t want to be a party too. Though now that I’m thinking about it, you have some experience in the area of buying women’s...no, girls’ bodies, don’t you Senator Stern?” Toni said, her voice sickly sweet and laced with venom.

Stern turned bright red and shouted “How dare you! You are accusing a United States Senator of such a thing?”

“Can we all calm down?” Senator Wiliams shouted

Toni leaned back in her chair and smiled. All the pompous dicks had their feathers all ruffled, it was kind of fun to cause such a fuss.

“Back to the topic at hand,” The now annoyed Senator Williams said, “I understand you have... reservations about sharing your work with us, but be advised we will continue to try and re-create your technology. Having your guidance would make the process run smoother.”

“Who are you having build it right now?” Toni asked, confused.

“Hammer tech.”

Toni snorted, they were so low on her radar. “Why even bother? They couldn’t make a Model One Stark phone without screwing it up.”

“Well, we don’t have many options considering you won’t work with us.”

“Then just stop trying to mess with things you don’t understand.” Toni shot back.

“Do you even understand what you are messing with, Ms. Stark? It’s dangerous to fly around in a weapon. People trained for combat should do it, don’t you think? You’re just not the right kind of person to operate this. Let people who understand national security and fighting wars handle this. You can handle the mechanics, that’s what you're good at. But you just don’t have the right temperament or skill set to do this.” Some really old man Toni had never seen before said fixing her with a faux kind look.

Yeah, no, he did not get to talk to her like that. Toni fixed the man with her best stare. “You never questioned if I knew what I was messing with when you got the stuff I built. You’re only butting in now because you don’t get to own it. You want to control it and use it in your wars, but for the thousandth time, Iron Queen is not a weapon to use in anybody's war. It's more than that. I built it to help people and to avoid collateral damage, not cause it. You don’t own me, or The Iron Queen armour. And you never fucking will!”

Toni stood up and turned to leave. Happy thankfully jumped in front of her to part the sea of bodies. The flashing lights threatened to blind her, but she fumbled forward. Getting in her car, she sat down and closed her eyes. Toni flinched slightly when she felt a hand on her shoulder.

“It’s me, Toni,” Pepper said softly.

“Sorry for all that,” Toni said with a half laugh.

“Yeah, that’s gonna take some clean up. I think Rhodey is the one who’s gonna need an apology, though. He works with those men. Also, our PR department. They have to field the calls.”

Toni just grunted. Half way home they had to pull over for Toni to throw up her coffee. It was still humiliating to puke in front of Pepper, even if she had seen Toni wigged out and naked once.

~~~~~

Toni, Happy and Pepper were eating. The flight home from DC sucked. Toni had thrown up and then fallen asleep. But now the headache had faded enough for her to no longer feel like her head was spinning.

“You wanna let us know what all of that was?” Happy said gruffly.

“What do you mean? I just hate assholes like that.” Toni shrugged.

“Toni you were like the walking dead on the way home and threw up. That’s not just pissed off behaviour.”

“It’s just complicated and stupid.”

“Just tell us. If we couldn’t handle complicated then we wouldn’t be your friends.” Pepper replied

Toni looked up. The real reason she had lost control was because facing man who tried to rape he head on was not fun. Add on to that, the last man had sounded too much, too much like Obie. It hadn’t registered right away but now it was clear. And of course, she really hated people wanting to use her, it felt shitty.

“Yeah, it wasn’t.”

“What was it?” Pepper said.

“Stern, he’s the man who... who drugged me that time Fury got me out. I wasn’t just being an ass, he really tried to buy me off to fuck him with drugs.”

“Bastard.” Happy muttered under his breath.

Toni half smiled at that. She met Pepper’s sympathetic expression and Happy mad on her behalf. She could tell them now. It was an opening, as organic a time as there ever would be. It wasn’t something they had to know, but they were her family. Toni wanted them to know, really.

“That’s not all though. It’s them wanting to use me, I’m tired of people always just wanting to control me.”

“I understand...” Pepper started.

“No, you don’t. Obi...Stane, you know he tried to kill me and stuff, but that’s not really the worst part. Starting when I was ten he...” Toni shuddered tears starting to flow from her eyes she looked away from both of them, “He sexually abused me till I was twenty. Do you remember when I thought I was pregnant Pep? He would have been the father.”

Pepper gasped bringing her hands to her mouth. Happy’s hand hit the counter with a grunt.

Staring at them, looking like they were in so much pain, Toni faltered, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you, I'm sorry,” was all she could think to say.

“God Toni, why are you apologizing? You didn’t do anything wrong.” Pepper said.

To Tony's surprise, Happy brought her into a bone crushing hug, eliciting a small squeak from her.

“Sorry.” Happy said releasing her.

“It’s fine, you just caught me off guard,” Toni said giving him a smile.

“Why didn’t...why didn’t you tell us before?” Pepper asked.

Toni blew a harsh breath from her mouth, “I didn’t know it was wrong for a long time. I mean, I loved him, and I was ten, so I just assumed it had to be okay. It’s what am I good at anyway, ya know? So even when I realised it was kinda hinky for a grown man to have sex with an eleven-year-old I figured I’m a slut anyway, so how could it matter? I also assumed no one cared, or that you’d be mad at me, and if someone did do something I had no idea what I would do if someone took him away. It felt like it was my fault, still does a lot. I had to have done something wrong.. And I promised to never tell, so I didn't ever tell. I literally never told anybody until he died, I just let him do it.”

“Toni, it’s not your fault okay? And you’re not a slut. No one has the right to make someone else have sex with them,” Pepper said.

“And the only people who do that to kids are scum.” Happy said with a nod and an air of finality.

“Thanks,” Toni said.

It was nice to have people listen to her. She felt a tug in her chest, but it wasn’t sentimentality or rage. It was the burn of corroding skin.

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oberlinexecutivefunctioning-blog · 5 years

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What is Downshifting?

TLDR; You are allowed not to work at 100% capacity all the time. Make sure to figure out what recovery and emergency states mean for you and your executive functioning. (Reach out to an EF tutor if you need help!)

The basic premise of downshifting follows pretty closely to its name. When you want to go faster, you shift your car into a higher gear; when you want to go slower or especially if you fear slipping on ice or snow, you shift into a lower gear. Organizing your life can work in a similar way. When you feel confident and stable, you can live your life in high gear, but when you feel yourself wobbling, it’s time to shift into a lower gear for your own safety.

Downshifting different for everyone, but usually the concepts centers around understanding your limits. If I didn’t have depression and anxiety and gender dysphoria at my heels, I would always be a morning person who reads lots of books and goes out with my friends on a Saturday night. So, when I have my depression, anxiety, and gender dysphoria pretty under control with the help of chemicals, therapists, and an amazing support system I have grown over the years, I live like that guy. I wake up at 7am every morning and meditate for 30 minutes before having a large breakfast of yogurt, granola, and fresh berries. And I love it.

But I’m not always going to be able to be that guy. I’ve struggled with this a lot as I think anyone with a chronic illness has. I used to beat myself up about ruining my own happiness and how I “always do this.” The various commitments I had made before my inevitable spiral – birthday parties, work hours, meetings – became reasons that I was a terrible friend, employee, person. I had no way to handle the always-unexpected dissolution of my perfect, stable happiness.

Now-a-days if I notice I am feeling low or if I recognize a trigger or if an upsetting family matter suddenly becomes my whole brain-space, I simply downshift.

Level 3 (Ideal): Wake up at 7am. Meditate for 30 minutes every morning. Wholesome breakfast. Read the paper. Attend every class. Gym 4 times a week. Ask someone to go to lunch with you at least once a week. Have all readings and assignments completed before the class they’re due. Go to bed at 10:30pm. You are killing it.

Level 2 (Recovery): Wake up at 9am. Meditate at least every other day, probably before bed. Chunk homework and assignments into small tasks. Ask a friend to sit with you while you work. Explain to someone that you’re having a rough time. Gym at least 2 times a week. Attend what classes you can. Email the professors of the classes you miss. Get someone’s notes for those classes. Call your mom. Get to sleep before 1am. You are making progress.

Level 1 (Emergency): Wake up when you can. Email your professors that you are sick and will likely miss class this week. Reach out to someone on your support system to explain what’s going on. Ask a friend to sit with you while you watch TV. Go to walk-in hours at the Counseling Center. Call your sister. Make a list of the tasks that are due/coming up and circle anything that you think you can do this week. Be honest. Ask for an extension on the rest. Let go of non-essential readings. Shower at least 4 times a week. Clean your space. Get to sleep when you can. You will get through this.

What I gain by defining the different levels I can live in is a sense of control in the chaos. This system means that even in my darkest hours, I still have a structure that makes me feel grounded. And suddenly, my rules don’t suddenly disappear but simply adjust for what I need at that moment. I see my limits, and I move with them. It isn’t a matter of failure; it’s a matter of resilience. Bad stuff happens and good weeks get ruined, but you can get through it because you have a plan that prioritizes what you need.

There are two key parts of implementing downshifting for yourself. It’s not the system for everyone but I have found it to be very helpful for myself and recommend it to anyone dealing with a chronic illness especially.

The first thing you need to do is figure out what these levels look like to you. No one has the same goals and no one has the same inclinations. My sister, for example, would never choose to get up early in the morning no matter what her emotional state was. I have a friend who goes to the gym more when he needs recovery, not less, because he finds it soothing and energizing. The most important part of implementing any structure to your life is to understand what you need. This is the longest, hardest, most crucial aspect of wellness and self-organization.

Don’t worry if you don’t know right now what exactly works for you, either. You can start by estimating roughly what might help you, what you might need, based on reflections on past experiences. Then, gradually, you can start ruling out what doesn’t work for your and trying new ways to be. The important part is to get started because you will never know what will help you until you first try to help yourself. You are in progress and that is okay. So is everyone else! Even if you have been a long-time wellness junkie like me, you will still learn new things about yourself along the way and your rules and your structures will change. That is totally normal and good.

The second thing you need to do to learn how to downshift is almost as slippery as the first, but again, it gets easier with practice. You need to learn how to gauge your emotional state. Some people are already great at this. Myself, I tried a lot of different techniques to get this one right. One way to determine how you are feeling that many people swear by is the simple method of rating yourself on a mood chart. Angry, sad, meh, content, happy, etc. Lots of people love to track their moods on paper or in an app by assigning each emotion a color and giving a color to each day, which is really great! Unfortunately, this does not work for me. My emotions are so messy all the time that choosing just one for each day always feels wrong, and anyway I am just not good at daily tracking tasks. Instead, I use my internal map of Oberlin as my check-in (I know it’s kinda weird, but it works okay?) I have identified several places across campus that I know I am likely to pass at least one of in a day and I have made those check-in spots. Passing by the Rat, walking up the ramp to Mudd. These are triggers for my brain to ask me about my emotional state. Here’s how it usually goes:

Evan. You’re walking up to Mudd. Probably here to study, huh? How do you feel about that? Are you scared you won’t finish your work on time? Have you made yourself small enough tasks? Remember to go to the bathroom before you sit down somewhere and get all your stuff out because you know how annoying it is to pack everything up just to bring with you into the bathroom because you are nervous about thieves. Fill your water bottle, too. Do you have a snack?

Evan. You’re walking past the Rat. Are you on the way to Decafe? Have you eaten today? When have you last eaten? Was it enough? There’s a good water fountain coming up so make sure to refill your water bottle if it’s low. Do you feel dizzy? Tired? Think about whether you need a break soon because you don’t want to burn out. Have you called your mom?

These moments along with my meditation practice, therapy, and speaking to friends and family are how I know whether it’s time to upshift or downshift. I always make sure that I have different and varied methods of evaluating my status because none of these are rules. I have a hard time making “How are you doing?” into a task. Asking myself how I’m doing is a habit, and it’s a good one. Any wellness system should have built-in reflection strategies because looking at your progress and your current well-being is a huge part of keeping yourself well.

By now, you might be thinking that downshifting seems like a lot of work. The reason for this is that downshifting is sort of Life Organizing 301. Before downshifting comes 1. Prioritization, 2. Goal-making, 3. Reflection and Evaluation, 4. Daily and Weekly Scheduling, and 5. Self-Care. There are each big skills in their own right and worth investigating on their own. If you feel like you might need to do some work on any of these topics before you even think about downshifting, that’s okay! You can still come away with the key ideas of downshifting which are

1. Sometimes you have to take a break from your rules, but you don’t have to throw them away entirely. If you find yourself needing a break, you have not failed.

2. Recovery is a state of being that all of us fall into sometimes and is totally normal. You are allowed to be in recovery or in emergency for any reason. You are valid. You can get through it.

3. Even if you don’t live the way you want to every day, you can still live the way you want to some days or half the days or even most of the days. Nothing in your life has to be absolute.

If you do think you might want to try downshifting, that’s great! Make sure to grab a trusted friend or family member to help keep you accountable, especially as you adjust to a new system. Let that person know what the rules are for each of your levels and contact them when you feel like you should downshift or upshift. Having this anchor will help you stay aware of your progress and committed to letting yourself be wherever you need to be. You can do it!

#executive functioning #evan post #resources

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hyercns-blog · 6 years

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( the cuteST )

a bitch is Tired rn after pulling my usual shit, aka staying up until 5am for no reason only to stick out a two hour lab, cry while doing my connections page on my late lunch/packing break and napping in the car, so excuse the seeming lack of enthusiasm lkfdsjglk. hey i’m kat, i’m 20, canadian, and my current means of life rn are chocolate, drag race ( i.. am team anyone but b*b* rn, no offence but my girl needs to come back to earth and stop rubbing me the wrong way sdfgkjgfd ( i think sh*ngela deserves it most despite being more of a tr*xie stan tho js ) ) and 3am you in me listening parties with myself four months after its release rip !! i’m a uni student and in love with sowoo so you don’t wanna know the agony that comes with picking one over the other. you can hmu on d*scord if you’d like ( just find me in the gc and message me from there fkskf ) and this is so boRING, it’s like the life is sucked out of me omg. anyways hyeran, a whole.. other positive muse bc jesus, how many of these do i have rn ?? this is so out of hand man, but nonetheless here’s a bit abt the brat:

- ̗̀ wait, wait, was that JEON SOMIN i just saw? damn, it was actually just that TWENTY TWO year old MUSIC PRODUCER/BARISTA, YUN HYERAN. speaking of them, did you hear that they’re known as THE VIRTUOSO around gangnam? i guess it makes sense considering they act so EBULLIENT & LOYAL but at the same time so MAGNANIMOUS & DIFFIDENT. they’re also apparently a PANSEXUAL FEMALE OUTSIDER who uses SHE/HER pronouns. ( kat / 20 / gmt-3:30 / she/her )

yun hyeran, a daegu native with an older and younger brother, an ambivert and an all around baby

tbh this is a copied intro from a few months back and i don’t have the time to perfectly incorporate her recently developed bg, so pls anticipate a small bio with that explained HERE

buT she became involved in music through her father, who studied it in uni and ended up becoming a music instructor with a focus on piano, flute and vocals

her and her mom.. also her older brother, didn’t have the best relationship when she grew older, which seemed to die altogether when her parents divorced and her mom left. but her and her brother’s still exists, it’s just that he’s a bit of a toxic influence on her and she tends to distance herself from him

went to uni in seoul to pursue music like her father ( a daddy’s girl too like ) and found her way into the world of production !! by junior year, she’d transferred out of her original program and majored in that instead and has loved it ever since; she recently graduated

moved to gangnam bc.. idk, she just wanted to KDFJSGLGKFD

impulsive brat

would visit jeju island when she was younger bc her aunt lived there

she adores said aunt, her dad’s sister and the maternal figure she Deserves, so overall jeju holds a special place in her heart

for the time being, she works full-time as a barista at the café just a block from her cute little studio apartment while looking into internships at record labels for her to take on a little further down the line ( no rush bc it’s already quite competitive and she’d rather enjoy what she has going now )

she’s also making something of an income as the creator of an acct on youtube and soundcloud for her music, something she’s had for abt two years now

she’s not even close to making it big yet, and she doesn’t mind if she never works for a moderately to highly popular label — though she should if she wants to get by

among the aesthetic, lo-fi music crowd ( one of those yt accts with a livestream for certain playlists that go on for hours, rip ) where for the most part, it’s personal faves mixed with her own works, and has a substantial following as of now. but has an interest in experimenting, with mashups ( as a lover of them ?? i couldn’t help myself sgflkdsjg ) for example, with a small fear of how that change would be received

this is so short now that i’ve shortened it immensely iK, it’s a little infuriating if you ask me ljkgdfjls

in terms of her personality and other things:

she’s a very loyal person, v e r y. while like i said ( and will elaborate on in her bio ), her relationship with her brother is Not Great, she hasn’t completely given up on him. maybe for the time being, but her being someone who’s open to the idea of people changing for the better somewhere down the line, leaves a bit of room for her to possibly change her mind if he does enough to allow her to consider it

so she can be a bit of a doormat in some cases, it all depends on how she sees the person that determines if that’s the case, but she generally won’t let you off if you’re being dumb/an ass to someone or if she gets advantageous vibes from you for example ( given she can.. be a little naive and is a p gentle soul ) so.. idk fgklsj good luck to the 99% ig ??

she does have a slight dependency on others despite her thinking all signs point to the opposite, and even though her and her mom never rly had a good relationship she still reels from the neglect/abandonment some days so handle her with Care if she deems you a close pal

spontaneous tbh, moving to gangnam was a little last minute on her part, for one

she’s a bit reclusive when focused on something, if she tells you she’s working on a track, it’s essentially a head’s up that you might not see her for a couple of days depending on how soon she gets it done — lowkey that bitch™ who makes up an illness to her boss, so she wouldn’t even show up for work if it’s more than just her fucking around

bc admittedly, a lot of what she posts is fucking around and liking it, her more thought-out and effort packed projects are hidden away on her laptop

a bit insecure with her work and just her general disposition ?? those first few points above mess with her a lot and leave her disheartened so.. my poor child

v strong overall, takes people’s shit and if it gets to her, she gets over it p fast. doesn’t dwell on much and will be courteous to you even if she’s declared you too toxic to stick around 24/7

isn’t exactly one to get angry ?? she’s basically just disappointed or annoyed at best 99% of the time, it takes a lot to get her beyond that

positive, ugh. maybe not sickeningly sweet, but still. kinda explained parts of it above and i’m 95% gone mentally rn, gotta spare that for other little details gsjklf

a cute bean who wants the best for everyone

uhhh

has a good understanding of english, her mom’s an american national so she grew up with it being spoken in the house at times

prob speaks it better than i speak french, but still wouldn’t consider herself fluent

plays piano and bass guitar, but knows her way around a flute and tenor sax ( you don’t know how tempted i was to say clarinet bc of jiwoo gjflkgds )

prob had some kind of little amateur rock band with a few music majors and took up bass for the hell of it lmao

loves animals, leans towards cats or big dogs. corgis and those little spaniels get a pass tho

speaking of, she has a cute little calico kitten ( i’m shit with pet names so if lucy sounds lacklustre.. you know why rgkjls ) who she Loves, her baby !!

sweater, ball cap and basic t shirt junkie

those glasses somin’s been wearing a lot of lately ?? hyeran wears them too but.. actually needs them, not even close to a fashion statement

doesn’t don much makeup unless someone’s dragging her to a party or something

thaT’S when she looks a little more like a classy early twenties bitch.. which lbr, is hard enough when adulthood is a whole Train Wreck for the most part LGFJSDL

not a heavy drinker, but the textbook definition of a lightweight so.. she’s always praying for anyone who has to deal with her dgfjklsfg

lattes are her livelihood

a bit of a hopeless romantic, just a bit, but god help her nonetheless

her favourite subject in school was literature/writing and reads quite a bit on her breaks at the café

favourite music genres.. it’s easier to say what she doesn’t like/finds boring, which is prob country and some aspects of edm/pop, not into punk/metal either

these are super basic but.. i’ve gotta get myself together for the day so this’ll do for now i hope ??

so if you’d like to plot, im me here or on d*scord ! i prefer the latter personally, but whichever’s easiest for you. i have a list of a few of the specific wcs i have in mind ( for the time being, catch my lazy ass avoid listing all the basic ones and revising a few i have on an old blog ) for hyeran up now, which you can find here, so just lmk if any of them appeal to you !!

#gangnamintro #i lit copied and pasted this #tweaked it a bit ofc and had a massive bg thing pasted in it as well but #took it out ksjdfgldgfj #anyways love us !

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hycrans · 7 years

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( the cuteST )

a bitch is Tired rn after pulling my usual shit, aka staying up until 5am for no reason only to wake up three hours later to watch bts run, so excuse the seeming lack of enthusiasm lkfdsjglk. hey i’m jules, i’m 20, canadian, and my current means of life rn are chocolate, the x files ( iM LATE IK SFGDJLK ) and 3am you in me listening parties with myself rip !! it’s been almost a month since its release, i need to Relax dammit. i’m a uni student who just got off for christmas break and in love with sowoo so you don’t wanna know the agony that came with picking one over the other without a bit of help. you can hmu on d*scord at HAPPY S*OKJIN DAY#2030 ( don’t.. call me out for not having an updated name since his birthday’s passed, i’m not v bright pls ) if you’d like and this is so boRING, it’s like the life is sucked out of me omg. anyways hyeran, a whole.. other positive muse bc jesus, how many of these do i have rn ?? this is so out of hand man, but nonetheless here’s a bit abt the brat:

- ̗̀ JEON SOMIN, CISFEMALE, SHE/HER ̖́- – have you seen YUN HYERAN? people’ve said the TWENTY TWO year old has been running around the streets of jeju lately, which is odd because aren’t they a BARISTA/MUSIC PRODUCER during the day? anyways, i know they’re known to be EBULLIENT and TRANQUIL but recently i’ve heard they’ve been MAGNANIMOUS and DIFFIDENT, but i could be wrong. ( jules / 20 / gmt-3:30 / she/her )

EDIT: i somehow forgot to mention that she’s.. not sure where she is on the lgbt spectrum but she knows she’s Not Straight JFGDSLKJGK but she’s panromantic so yeah sgjkdl. i’m a whole mess today, i’m sorry lol

yun hyeran, a daegu native with an older and younger brother, an ambivert and an all around baby

tbh i don’t have much of her bg figured out, that’s always the last thing i get to so rip

buT she became involved in music through her father, who studied it in uni and ended up becoming a music instructor with a focus on piano, flute and vocals

moved to jeju island bc an aunt lived there when she was young and she LOVED to visit, made a few friends there and would always whine abt the next time they could all go see her aunt again. so it made sense for her to live, at least for a little while, in one of her favourite places

she also adores said aunt, her dad’s sister and the maternal figure she Deserves, so she came partially to see her more often

she’s also making something of an income as the creator of an acct on youtube and soundcloud for her music, something she’s had for abt two years now

she’s not even close to making it big yet, and she doesn’t mind if she never works for a moderately to highly popular label — though she should if she wants to get by

this is so short iK, it’s a little infuriating if you ask me ljkgdfjls

in terms of her personality and other things:

she’s a very loyal person, v e r y. while like i said, her relationship with her brother is Not Great, she hasn’t completely given up on him. maybe for the time being, but her being someone who’s open to the idea of people changing for the better somewhere down the line, leaves a bit of room for her to possibly change her mind if he does enough to allow her to consider it

spontaneous tbh, moving to jeju was a little last minute on her part, for one

she’s a little reclusive when focused on something, if she tells you she’s working on a track, it’s essentially a head’s up that you might not see her for a couple of days depending on how soon she gets it done — lowkey that bitch™ who makes up an illness to her boss, so she wouldn’t even show up for work if it’s more than just her fucking around

bc admittedly, a lot of what she posts is fucking around and liking it, her more thought-out and effort packed projects are hidden away on her laptop

a bit insecure with her work and just her general disposition ?? those first few points above mess with her a lot and leave her disheartened so.. my poor child

isn’t exactly one to get angry ?? she’s basically just disappointed or annoyed at best 99% of the time, it takes a lot to get her beyond that

positive, ugh. maybe not sickeningly sweet, but still. kinda explained parts of it above and i’m 95% gone mentally rn, gotta spare that for other little details gsjklf

a cute bean who wants the best for everyone and is also clumsy as absolute fuCK

uhhh

plays piano and bass guitar ( you don’t know how tempted i was to say clarinet bc of jiwoo gjflkgds )

prob had some kind of little amateur rock band with a few music majors and took up bass for the hell of it lmao

loves animals, leans towards cats or big dogs. corgis and those little spaniels get a pass tho

speaking of, she has a cute little calico kitten ( i’m shit with pet names so that’s tba rgkjls ) who she Loves, her baby !!

sweater, ball cap and basic t shirt junkie

those glasses somin’s been wearing a lot of lately ?? hyeran wears them too but.. actually needs them, not even close to a fashion statement

doesn’t don much makeup unless someone’s dragging her to a party or something

thaT’S when she looks a little more like a classy early twenties bitch.. which lbr, is hard enough when adulthood is a whole Train Wreck for the most part LGFJSDL

not a heavy drinker, but the textbook definition of a lightweight so.. she’s always praying for anyone who has to deal with her dgfjklsfg

lattes are her livelihood

a bit of a hopeless romantic, god help her

her favourite subject in school was literature/writing and reads quite a bit on her breaks at the café

favourite music genres.. it’s easier to say what she doesn’t like/finds boring, which is prob country and some aspects of edm/pop, not into punk/metal either

these are super basic but.. i’ve gotta get myself together for the day so this’ll do for now i hope ??

#╳┊: — bitch you’re gonna die ! •「 ooc. 」#islandintro #so uh yeah #this is messy GKFLDSJDG i apologize #at this point i might just add those additional long plots in the form of an ooc bc formatting on a page?? a Pain #.. basically too lazy for my own good rip

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mbtizone · 7 years

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Venus "Vee" Delmonico (Nerve): ISFJ

Dominant Introverted Sensing [Si]: It’s hard for Venus to be spontaneous and take risks. She is practical, responsible, and doesn’t like to be forced out of her comfort zone. Venus prefers to be on the sidelines and watch others live. She’s fine with predictability. She’s always been more of a spectator than an active participant, which Sydney chastises her for. When Venus hears that someone in Seattle supposedly died playing Nerve, she doesn’t believe it because it would’ve been shut down if that were true. Venus prefers to feel comfortable and she tries to back out of the game several times when the stakes continue to be raised. When Venus realizes how dangerous the game is becoming, her response is to go to the police. If something is getting people hurt, you go to the police with it. That’s just what you do. However, this approach lands her in a lot of trouble for “snitching.”

Auxiliary Extroverted Feeling [Fe]: Even though she’s uncomfortable playing the game, she keeps allowing Ian to convince her to keep playing. Venus is wiling to miss out on a typical college experience, which she really wants to live at home and commute to a local school in order to be with her mother, who doesn’t want her going away following the death of her eldest child. She can’t even bring herself to tell her mom about her acceptance to CalArts. She goes along with what other people want, but never does anything for herself. Venus doesn’t really stand up for herself when Sydney admonishes her for the way she lives her life, and seems to avoid confrontation. Venus cares about what other people think of her and is humiliated when Sydney tries to talk to JP on her behalf. Venus is very upfront with her feelings and doesn’t try to mask them. She initially doesn’t open up about her feelings regarding Sydney when Ian asks because she thinks he doesn’t want to hear about it. She doesn’t want to burden him or bore him with her drama. However, when he encourages her to open up, she is able to freely express all of her feelings with ease. If Venus isn’t okay, she has no problem saying so.

Tertiary Introverted Thinking [Ti]: It’s clear that Venus is capable of coming up with innovative solutions to problems. When the game tells her and Ian to leave the store after they try on expensive outfits, she notes that technically the game just told them to leave… they don’t actually need to be wearing them at the time they leave the store. It’s her ability to look beyond the facts (everyone on the game is there anonymously) that ends up allowing her to shut down the game. Venus is also good at analysis, which is evident when she tries to explain what To the Lighthouse is really about to Ian. When pushed, Venus can make brutal assessments about people (“…you’re one of those girls who peaks in high school. And when you wake up one day, still living in Staten island, still screwing the same guys, wondering what the hell happened to your life.”).

Inferior Extroverted Intuition [Ne]: Trying new things is extremely difficult for Venus. Between her best friend berates her for never seizing the moment or seeking adventure, and that same friend publicly embarrassing her moments later, Venus decides to take a leap and give in to the unknown. Tommy points out that what she’s doing isn’t her, but for Venus, that’s the whole point! She struggles to put herself in dangerous situations, but eventually it starts to give her a rush. Venus is able to think creatively. She wants to find a way to be able to go to CalArts, so she casually suggests that her mom list their home on Airbnb When Sydney and Tommy try to convince her that there’s no way to stop the game because everyone on it is anonymous, she thinks “What if they weren’t anonymous?”

Enneagram: 6w7 2w1 9w1 Sp/Sx

Quotes:

Venus: I mean, Syd hasn’t gotten into any schools yet. And she doesn’t even care. Nancy: You know what? Sydney doesn’t have to care. She has a trust fund. And you have something far more valuable than that. Venus: Here we go. Nancy: You have drive, you have focus. You have a scholarship to a local college. And even though we can’t afford the dorm, you get to have me as your new college roommate. Venus: Actually, I, um… I had kind of a cool idea about that. What if we fixed up Mike’s room and listed you on Airbnb or something? Maybe it’s time we finally go through his stuff and maybe give some of it to goodwill. And I could give you some space. Nancy: I don’t want space. I just want you. Venus: Okay. I’m totally down with commuting. I can… I can get my reading done on the ferry. Nancy: Yeah? That’ll work, right? Venus: Yeah.

Venus: You just got suspended. I thought you were done playing nerve. Sydney: Hell no! The girl who won Seattle now has millions of followers. She’s insta-famous. Venus: Who cares? Sydney: I care, Vee. I don’t expect you to understand. I’m an adrenaline junkie. You like to stay within your comfort zone. That’s fine. Venus: That’s not true. What about that pole dancing class we took? Sydney: Vee, I dragged you there and you sat in the corner and watched. Venus: I’m a visual learner. Tommy: Why are you attacking her? Sydney: I’m not attacking her, Tommy. Tommy: Yeah, you are. Venus: Life is passing you by. You need to learn to take a few risks every once in a while. Venus: I do take risks.

Sydney: I love you so much, Vee. But you’re a watcher. So watch me do it for you.

Tommy: You signed up as a player? Oh, man. Venus: What? Is that so hard to believe? Tommy: You know that some kid supposedly died in Seattle playing Nerve? Venus: Oh, I don’t buy that. If kids were dying, the game would be shut down. Tommy: No, they can’t shut it down. There’s not a single server. What does that mean? Tommy: Everybody that logs onto the game becomes a new server. So it’s impossible to turn the game off. Venus: How do you even know so much about this game? You’ve never even played. Tommy: Look, I spend a lot of time on the dark web, all right? Venus: Oh, a lot of time on the dark web? Is that right, hacker boy? Tommy: Yes, that is right. You’re only accessing 10% of the Internet, you know. Why are you even doing this? Seriously, it’s dangerous. Is it because of Sydney? Venus: This is not about Sydney. I’m… Tommy: It’s just not like you. Venus: That’s the point.

Venus: To the Lighthouse, that’s my favorite book. Ian/Sam: Really? Please, tell me they get to the lighthouse in the end. Um… Actually, don’t tell me. Uh… okay, just tell me real quick. Venus: Yeah, they do, but that’s… That’s not really what it’s about. The lighthouse means something different to each of the characters. It basically represents the thing they want most in life. And I’m sorry that I’m totally geeking out and ruining the story. Ian/Sam: No, I was the one who asked.

Ian/Sam: I was hoping you’d come. Venus: I’m just warning you, I don’t think I’d make a very good partner. I’m not the daredevil type. You should team up with my friend Sydney, actually. She’s obsessed with playing Nerve. Ian/Sam: But the watchers want me to team up with you. Venus: The second I feel uncomfortable, I’m out. Ian/Sam: That’s fair. Venus: Okay.

Ian/Sam: Come on, we have to make a run for it. Come on, let’s go. Venus: I am not shoplifting! Ian/Sam: We don’t have a choice. Come on! Venus: Okay, technically, it just says we have to leave the store. Right?

Venus: What did that just say? Blindfolded? On the motorcycle? Ian/Sam:Yeah. Venus: You’re on your own with that one. Ian/Sam:Wait, wait. I can’t do this alone. Come on, I need you to help me navigate. Venus: There is no way in hell I’m doing that. I’m sorry, I’m out. Thank you for tonight. I mean… I had a lot of fun. Got a new dress. But I… I’m good. Ian/Sam: Stay. Let’s see what else happens.

Ian/Sam: You gonna get it? Venus: I don’t wanna deal with her right now. Ian/Sam: What’s goin’ on? Venus: She’s just been a lot recently. But whatever, you don’t wanna talk about that. Ian/Sam: If you wanna talk about it, I’m here. Happy to listen. Venus: I’m just tired of being her sidekick all the time. Ian/Sam: It’s funny. You don’t seem like anyone’s sidekick. Can I see that picture again? Venus: Oh, uh… Sure. Ian/Sam: Wow. Venus: Yeah. Guys go crazy for her. Ian/Sam: No, I mean the picture itself. It’s really good. Venus: Thanks, I took it. Ian/Sam: Yeah? You have a good eye. I just… I can’t picture you hangin’ out with someone like this. Venus: What do you mean? Ian/Sam: I don’t know. She looks kind of… Insecure. Is that mean? Venus: She is totally insecure. Ian/Sam: Yeah? Venus: She makes it seem like I’m the one who’s insecure. But really it’s her. It’s exhausting. Ian/Sam: I’m sure. Venus: She’s at this party. Most likely drunk and needs me to hold her hair back. I’m just over it. I mean, so are her parents. They’re constantly out of town, so she has this revolving door of guys over. It’s sad, actually.

Venus: Syd? [Venus walks in on Sydney in bed with the guy she likes] Sydney: Oh, come on, Vee, you never even spoke to him. Venus: It’s fine. Certainly no surprise. Sydney: Yeah, I know it’s not a surprise. You know what’s not fine, though? I almost died tonight, Vee, and you were nowhere to be found. Venus: I’m sorry. When you said I should live my life, did you mean I should live my life in your shadow? Sydney: I was just trying to help you, Vee, because you’re the most repressed person that I know. Venus: Well, isn’t that why you keep me around? Because I never tell you the truth? Sydney: Yeah. Venus: Come on, let’s go. Sydney: I guess you don’t tell me the truth. Because you never told me about how insecure I am. Or about how I just have a revolving door of guys all the time. You never tell me that, but you’ve told everyone that tonight. So please, Vee, go right ahead and show us all what a fiery little spark plug you’ve become since lunch. Venus: Let’s go. Sydney: Don’t walk away from me. Vee! Wake up! This is a game. Do you really think that someone like him is actually gonna be with you when this is all done? Ian/Sam: Hey, you don’t know me. Sydney: Oh, I’m sorry. You really like her now? Ian/Sam: Yeah, I do. Tommy: All right, come on, Syd, you’re just drunk. Sydney: Tommy, it is time to get over her! Clearly, she has traded up! Venus: Why do you have to be such a bitch? Sydney: Look at that! Little Vee finally speaking her mind. Come on! Unburden yourself! Venus: Do you know why we’re best friends? I do whatever you want all the time. Sydney: No, Vee, we’re friends because I’m fun and you’re boring. The only fun thing about you was your brother. What is it you think? That playing Nerve is just gonna magically make you a different person? That’s not how life works. You’ll never be a player. Venus: You’re right. I know how much you love living in the moment, Syd. Well, remember this moment. Because you’re one of those girls who peaks in high school. And when you wake up one day, still living in Staten island, still screwing the same guys, wondering what the hell happened to your life. If you wanna know where I am from now on, sign up and watch me. Ian/Sam: Wait, Vee, what are you doing? Hey, Vee, you don’t need to do this. Look at me. Come on. Let’s just go, let’s bail, all right? What do you have to prove? Come on, please. Let’s go. Come on, you got it, Vee, please!

Venus: Officer, I need help. I’m… I’m playing this game. It’s called Nerve. And I’m worried that someone’s gonna get really hurt.

Ian/Sam: Are you okay? Venus: Am I okay? No, I’m not okay! You need to tell me everything. Okay, what the hell is going on?

Sydney: There’s no one to stop. It’s just a bunch of anonymous people. Venus: What if they weren’t anonymous?

Venus: Tommy, you said the game is open source, right? Do you think you can change the code? Tommy: It’s gonna take time. Venus: Syd, could you buy us some?

Venus “Vee” Delmonico (Nerve): ISFJ was originally published on MBTI Zone

#Nerve #Vee #Venus Delmonico #ISFJ #Type 6 #enneagram 6 #6w7 2w1 9w1 #Sp/Sx #mbti #mbti types #mbti personality types #fictionalcharactermbti #fictionmbti #movie mbti #enneagram #enneatypes #enneagram type

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coffeedating608 · 3 years

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rebeccahpedersen · 5 years

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Recent Real Estate Pet Peeves

TorontoRealtyBlog

I had a little help with this one, I will admit.

A few readers emailed me over the past week, one as recent as Thursday, taking issue with, um, how will I say, “real estate practices.”

So in no particular order, here are some of my recent real estate pet peeves.

Sold in Zero Days!

A reader emailed me about this during the week, and I’ll admit, I’ve seen my fair share of this.

Picture a listing that’s been on the market for, say 35 days. And picture the agent who is looking down at his or her precious stats, trying to figure out how to make them look better.

I mean, the agent could simply lie. That’s easy, and there’s already a ton of that going on.

But for the (somewhat) honest agent, there’s an alternative.

When you receive an offer on the property, and successfully negotiate to a firm sale, simply terminate that listing, then re-list the property anew.

BOOM!

Zero days on market!

This was recently done in North Toronto where the listing DOM, or “Days On Market” for you non-MLS junkies, reads a proud zero.

So this agent, technichally-speaking, can claim to have sold this property after zero days on market.

And even if he or she didn’t take that route, which I still expect most agents would, the TREB stats would show zero days, as would the IMS stats; IMS being the third-party company that takes our data and sells it back to us, seemingly with TREB’s blessing.

Is this tactic about stats, or is it about ego?

Personally, I don’t care about “Days On Market” as a stat because I have three different listing strategies that all result in different DOM:

1) List for an immediate sale, whether you have a 24-hour holdback, or expect the first 1-2 people through the door to pay full ask, or more. 2) List with an offer night exactly seven days later. 3)Over-list with a built-in cushion for negotiation, knowing that a 3-4 week sale is likely.

–

Sold Over Asking!

Is this still going on?

I was musing this afternoon that most agents are always six months behind the market, and we see this when they demonstrate zero knowledge of current market conditions. Either the market is red-hot, and they’re coming out of a slow market whereby they don’t see how hot their listing is, or they’re holding back offers on a property that’s probably going to take weeks to sell at their current price point.

Agents can be clueless, and I don’t understand how some agents out there still think that “sold over asking” is a feather in their cap.

Back before the “under-price and hold back offer” strategy became commonplace, you would actually see the odd property sell for over the asking price. This was often a testament to the agent’s hard work, either by stalling the offer-in-hand to wait for another, or by working the phones to drum up other interest, or simply by negotiating the pants off the buyer-agent and getting that agent to bid higher for no reason.

But that was then, and this is now.

And when you take a $1,000,000 house, list it for $899,900, and sell it for $1,000,000, do you really think people want to hear about how you sold the property for 111% of the list price?

More to the point, when you laughably under-list a property, say, a $1,500,000 house for $999,900, hoping to get 50 offers and waste people’s time, do you really take pride in marketing that you sold the house for over 150% of the list price?

I think it turns people off.

It’s so pointless, and so old. I think it makes these agents look self-congratulatory, and out-of-touch.

–

Seller Reserves The Right To Accept Pre-Emptive Offers Without Notice

Remember the spring of 2017?

Remember when the market was absolutely insane?

Remember when pre-emptive or “bully” offers were rampant?

And remember how some listing agents decided they were going to deal with them?

Rules are rules, but back in early-2017, a lot of listing agents decided they simply didn’t care. When it came to protocol for dealing with pre-emptive offers, they simply threw all that out the window.

If you receive a pre-emptive offer on a listing, and if the seller decides to work with it (ie. forego the scheduled “offer night” a week later, and sell the property today), then you must notify every person who “expressed an interest” in the property. That means contact agents who have booked showings, whether they have conducted that showing or not.

In early-2017, listing agents started doing this:

And it was chaos.

The argument was simple: “Oh, sorry officer, I know I ran that red light but I said that I was going to do it. Bye!”

Listing agents felt as though so long as they disclosed that they were going to break the rules, that this made it okay.

There were essentially two reasons for doing this, and neither of them involved working in the best interest of the seller-client:

1) Looking to double-end a listing. 2) Laziness.

I don’t know which reason is worse, honestly.

But guess what, folks?

That screenshot above is from a listing that came out on Thursday, and it’s one of many like it.

I was filming my Pick5 on Wednesday, and came across another listing that had this disclosure, and I went nuts. On camera, no editing, I just left it there for people to view. As I said in my video, I can’t understand why this isn’t an automatic $10,000 fine. It’s been TWO YEARS since agents were told not to do this, and they’re still doing it. It’s so disrespectful to cooperating agents and to the buyer pool, and it simply spits in the face of TREB, who clearly isn’t doing anything about it.

FYI – if you ever see anything you don’t like on an MLS listing, email [email protected] and report it.

–

Buyer To Verify

What are we?

As agents, I mean. What are we?

Are we professionals? Are we competent? Are we people who deal with others in good faith, and with fairness, and integrity?

Do we do our job to the absolute minimum of our abilities, or do we strive to something better?

Because frankly, I’m tired of seeing this in MLS listings:

It’s lazy, ignorant, and insulting.

As a listing agent, one of your jobs is to verify the information pertaining to your client’s listing; the client who has hired you, and is paying you, to represent their best interests.

If you are too lazy to look up a few numbers, and/or verify them, then what is your value?

And folks, don’t believe this is something it’s not – this is far, far from anything that would every hold up in court! You can’t just write, “Buyer to verify taxes,” and then detail the taxes on the MLS listing as $2,000 per year, when they’re actually $5,000 per year, and then say, “Too bad, so sad.”

So why even bother with this?

Well, because agents are stupid.

And to be honest, and blunt, the same agents that think they can write “Seller Reserves The Right To Accept Pre-Emptive Offers Without Notice” and get away with it are the same ones writing “Buyer To Verify Measurements.” And they aren’t mid-town agents from reputable firms, that’s for sure. Read into that however you want.

The idea that a listing agent can detail on a listing that maintenance fees are $350.00 even, when he or she has no idea what the fees are, and hasn’t checked, is absolutely beyond comprehension.

I feel dirty just writing this. God I’m mad.

–

Feeling You’re Smarter Than People And Trying To Turn A Negative Into A Positive

What does a listing agent say when you ask for a copy of the home inspection, and they haven’t done one?

A few things come to mind:

“I’m too cheap to do one.”

“My sellers don’t want to reveal all the things wrong with this house.”

“I don’t really know much about listing properties, so it never occurred to me that this might be a good idea.”

All of those statements are likely true, but that’s not what an agent would say.

The most canned response is:

“The seller has elected to allow the buyers to perform their own inspection, at their convenience.”

Oh, well then!

If that isn’t a load of BS, then I don’t know what is.

This absolutely reeks of “Piss in my ear, and tell me it’s rain.” I can’t think of any better way to put it.

It’s taking a negative and trying to spin it into a positive, sounding absolutely stupid in the process. There’s not a human on the planet that would hear this and think, “Oh, wow, well, that’s really nice of the seller to allow that, and very thoughtful with regards to the buyers’ convenience as well.”

So take this a step further, dumb it down more, and you get this:

Really?

This is like saying, “Termite-Filled House Represents Fantastic Opportunity For Buyer To Convert To Non-Termite House According To Wishes And Desires.”

Don’t insult us with this crap. Buyers are too smart for this, and it turns them off.

–

Basic Math

No words needed here:

–

Basic Data Entry

I’m no genius, but $899,900 looks like a lot for a parking space:

–

One Plus Media

You’ve all seen my video about the condo den, right?

Yes?

No?

Can’t remember?

Well, that last one isn’t true. Not to toot my own horn here, but you’d remember if you saw this:

youtube

You know I hate how the idea of a “den” has become this stupid, tiny, useless room in a condo.

But do you know what I hate even more?

This notion of “media.”

A true “plus one” on the MLS listing was always intended to be a below-grade room in a freehold, hence the “5+2” rooms, or the “3+1” bedrooms. Then when condos came along, the “plus one” was intended to be an “almost-bedroom,” ie. a den.

So you’re used to seeing this on a condo listing for a 2-plus-den:

That’s fine, we’ve adopted to that.

But this idea of “media” as an accepted “plus one” is not okay with me.

What is a “media?”

This:

I’m sorry, but that desk pushed against the wall is nothing.

It’s a desk pushed against a wall.

Just because pre-construction condo developers have invented this stupid notion of “media” to further exploit naive, unassuming consumers and have them pay a higher price in the process does NOT mean this needs to carry over to MLS.

We cannot have this “media” described on MLS as the new “plus one.”

And of course, by “we cannot have,” I mean, “we already have.”

Weekend, you can not have come soon enough…

The post Recent Real Estate Pet Peeves appeared first on Toronto Realty Blog.

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420710ge-blog · 6 years

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my first entry

all of these entries will be more or less stream of consciousness

Im watching queer eye. SO I felt like writing a blog and starting a blog bc im emotional and severely depressed. ( if the fab 5 could re vamp me and my life omg)

I'm trying to grasp this concept that i am 28 years old

and i STILL have no idea who the fuck I am or what the fuck am i gonna do.

what i do know is I am a single. I am straight-ish haha (no one is straight these days eff lables and gender norms) I live in a basement. The neighborhood I live in isnt the best in my opinion for me. I know I enjoy cities and hustle and bustle and noise. this area is not where i want to spend a long period of time in. I have my drivers license but dont have a car. I'm on a fixed income. I am very very poor. I've been struggling with money my whole life. My mother was struggling with money and work my whole childhood ive come to learn. i feel like my mom maybe didn't give me all the right tools i needed to make it in this world.

I'm not a good cook, but i enjoy cooking and wish I was good. I eat very unhealthy. I dont know how to shop for groceries or clothes. i eat fast food,microwaves meals and snacks, cheese and crackers, cereal, deli sandwhiches, pb & j, fruit snacks, ice tea, juice and water. (thats basically it unless i go out to eat which is bad bc i have no money for it.)

i cannot grasp the concept of money i dont know how to budget or balance a check book or keep track of spending. i need to put money a side and save and i just cant seem to do it. The money is always being used. i feel like im always in debt or owing money that i never get in front of this wave to start earning actual income every dollar i make is always spoken for and the $1 to 80 dollars that i actually get left over is for cleaning supplies hair products medication condoms tampons pads basically things i need. and im honest in saying i do spend money on food and great craft beer bc its my way of treating myself for actually making a payment or actually getting out of bed, for going hungry for a few days or for having a good mental health day.

My hobbies include filling out job applications, fighting with doctors and secretaries, bill collectors debt collect companies and creditors, watching youtube videos, vloggers and youtubers on my phone and my freinds old old laptop the basement has pretty difficult internet connection and it is freezing cold but other than that its nice it works its a place to sleep and shelter, other hobbies are watching movies and tv, and lastly SLEEP. i sleep 10-14 hours most days or i go 2 days without sleep. i am always over sleeping or i just cant turn my brain and stress and anxiety off just to shut my eyes and sleep. I almost never talk with friends or see other people or go out and hang with friends. the only times i do go out is if someone offers to pay for me or otherwise i cant.

i am addicted to social media. i cant go for more than 15 seconds without checking instrgram or snap chat or youtube or facebook. i can easily spend 11 hours going back and forth between those 4 sites. it is very bad for my mental health and its stunted my success bc i cant help but compare myself. and its vicious negative cycle that i cant seem to break.

i have to walk or use uber or lyft or public transit to get around which gets very expensive over time. walking and being out waiting for the bus or train is very triggering for my mental health. People who are fortunate to have the luxury to own or lease a car please realize the people who cannot afford a car or cannot drive for whatever reason are not second class citizens. People and humans are very nasty and rude and more terrible than youd imagine. having to walk everywhere and be in with the public as much as i have turns you into a cynical abrasive aggresive hateful and rageful person. for example a few weeks ago a car turned on the street that i was walking on and the walk sign was lit and he had a yellow switching to a red, her turned quickly to beat the light that he didnt see me or the walk sign and was inches away from me so i ran after his car and punched the shit out of the passenger window. i spazed out like that bc i had a week of walking in the freezing cold (and living in a super cold place) being rained on and splashed by the puddles being ran thru by cars, teenagers on busses making fun of me throwing things at me, people in cars yelling shit at me and the others standing at a bus bc we dont have a car and we have to wait in the cold assuming that we were all bums or homeless.

I am not happy or passionate about things i use to be obsessed with. I grew up loving comedy. stand up sketch improv.

i use to perform. i would go see it all the time it meant the world to me it is what i wanted t0 do with my life.

but now I dont and i think its was stupid. and a waste of time. same with college it was a waste of time and money to get a degree in something i have no passion about anymore. and a degree in something in which there are no jobs for you.it was terrible decision i made. one of the billions of terrible decisions i ahve made in my life

I have zero self confidence and i barely care what my appearance looks like anymore. i glance in mirrors but never really look at myself. I dont look people in the eyes anymore. I think so hard about what i am saying for i say that it comes out more often that not weird or incorrect bc i am so worried about what others are thinking about me so then that leads to me getting made fun of for how i talk or how i say things. I am always the butt of my friends jokes im always being poked fun at or pranked or messed with.

I dress like 15 year old skate kid. i have nothing that is appropriate for like an office or an audition or job interview or business meeting or family event or a formal event or cocktail party. i dont know how to dress for my age or for my gender.

I am super lazy and messy but i have been working on it.

i use cannabis recreationally not everyday but definitely multiple times a week. when i can afford it. it helps clear my head and use the same way a person uses a nice glass of wine at the end of a long day. i dont think its wrong or inhibiting me as a person. sometimes it even helps with motivation and helps get me out of a depressive funk.

I am severely depressed and have an anxiety disorder.

I over think about everything. i make plans and lists for every scenario that i am going to encounter on a daily basis its almost obsessive. my train of thought before entering a conversation with anyone is “do not say anything weird dont look at them for to long, dont fidget, omg what are they thining about when they are looking at me, am i ugly and i coming off as weird or immature or nervous.”

I lost alot of very important people in my life bc of death or from people and friends and family just cutting me off and people to live the rest of their lives without me. it makes me judge and hate everyone.

I am constantly worried that i am gonna become homeless live on the streets and become a junkie. I actually think about this so so so much. i actually shocked from what i have been thru that i havent become a junkie yet.

I dont want what most white women in their late twenties want and crave. i dont relate or most girls in my age range. its hard for me to find things in common with my peers.

I dont want to buy or own a house. renting forever is fine by me

I do want to buy and own a car preferably a truck but a small suv could work too.

I dont want a family. I dont want children my own or adoptive. I dont want to live in the suburbs or in a neighborhood with tons or old people and families.

i dont want marriage i think its problematic and dumb thing to subject yourself to.

i enjoy soccer and skateboarding and true crime movies and tv shows and horror movies and tv shows.i like some funny things but its selective. i love the sims.

i want to try out living in other states in the us and maybe even try living in the uk.

if i was rich i would want 2 small apartments in central city locations on both coasts of the us one on one and one on the other. and ill use my money to travel. i am craving to travel so badly its all i have been thinking about lately. but again no funds

i want to meet someone who just totally sweeps me off my feet. somone who knows how to be a real man and real boyfriend im tired iof these boys i need a guy who calls me out on my bs, gives constructive criticism, incredibly supportive and KIND. i want our respectfulness to be at an 100%. i want to feel worshipped and adored. i want them to be succesful and be able to bring me up and boost me forward. great listener. not sleepy or annoyed very easily. insane dark weird goofy sense of humor. id love them to be outgoing and be able to command a room and be comfortable around people new and old. great sex and adventures. currently im giving my ex a chance and its prolly a terrible idea.

i want a makeover i want to learn how to dress myself correctly and figure what my style is, make money and keep money, how to cook, how to skateboard, how to surf, how to take care of my skin and my hair. I want to learn how to work out where i wont make my current ailments and injuries and medical issues flare up and put me out of business for few days. id like to have toned arms back shoulders and legs and to not be winded dont everyday tasks.

if i had to make a dream cocktail. and the final result would be the new me i would throw in the blender: confidence of a drag queen, the wit and sharp tongue of joan rivers, the comedic timing of sean hayes, riley reids sex skills, the intelligence and maturity of michelle obama, pinks hair and singing skills, kat dennings body and dgaf attitude. that would be the perfect me in my eyes.

I want to make everyone proud of me. and I want to be proud of myself.

idk what this was but its on the internet

-GE

#selfhelp #depression #anxiety #stress #comparing #addiction #social media #i wanna get better

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