#This machine will be the death of me I stg

[acesammy]

gonna start posting things that are so very niche but I need to vent about anyways,,

don’t you guys hate it when the Roland Versa machine starts printing all streaky and there’s like a slight gradient to it that definitely wasn’t there in the art file?

[lookismaddict]

Lookism Chapter 442 Memes/Thoughts I Have:

(SPOILERS !!! I don’t own any of the Lookism panels and the translations. Only the memes that I made. The sole purpose of this is to provide summaries/reviews for each chapter so if you don’t want to see the rest of it, then just keep scrolling. It’s your choice.)

Time to cry all of our hearts out. 😫

Nuuuuuuuuuu poor babies 😭

OMGGGGG THE FIRST GEN. KINGS ARE HERE!!!!! AHHHHHHHH BRO I GOT MAD GOOSEBUMPS 😩

Ugh, this is making me feel touched and all. Everyone gathered in one place because they really respected him. Bruh, Imma cry again 😭😭😭 I hope Taesoo Ma, Gongseop Ji, and the rest of the First Generation would somehow investigate his death and avenge Jichang. 🙏🏽

YEEEEESSSSS DANIEL HAS ANOTHER ALLY!!!!! YESSSSS LET'S BUILD THIS CHARLES CHOI HATECLUB!!! 🔥

OHHHHHH. MYYYYYYY. GOOOOOOOD. JAKE IS SO FREAKING CUUUUUUUUUUUTE AS A LITTLE KID!!!!! AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH GOD, I JUST WANNA HUG HIM AND CRADLE HIM IN MY ARMSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!! 😩😩😩❤️❤️❤️❤️

HE REALLY IS CUTE THO WHEN HE WAS LITTLE. WHO WOULDN'T WANNA JUST GRAB HIS CHEEKS, PINCH THEM, GIVE HIM A PIGGYBACK RIDE, AND HUG HIM AND SQUEEZE HIM????? 🥺🥺💞💞💞💞

Ohhhh shiiiii, Jake gonna meet with Daniel there and THEY'RE GOING TO TEAM UP AND FIND JINYOUNG PARK AND TAKE DOWN THE FIRST AFFILIATE LIKE THE ACTUAL BOSSES THAT THEY ARE. 😎

Ohhhhh my- LINEMAN ABOUT TO GET AN UPGRADE!!!! IS THIS GOING TO BE HIS TRAINING ARC??? 👀

AYYYYYYYYYYYYY LETS GOOOOOOOOOO!!!! TIME TO TRAIN LINEMAN!!! BULK UP AND SHAPE UP BRO 💪🏽💪🏽💪🏽💪🏽

Oh shit... 5th Affiliate. 💀 Did I mention that I don't like this phase of Eli? I mean, sure. You're doing this all for your family in Hostel, but there's another way to settle this and provide for them, no? I mean, you got friends bro. You don't have to shoulder the burden on your own. Learn how to depend and rely on those who you hold dear too.

King, it's ok. Just undrown yourself and stop siding with Workers.. 😀

I stg, this twink of a crew leader is afraid of Daniel Park. Little did he know, Daniel and James Lee are actually a team lol. I swear, it's like Eugene blames Daniel for everything now that Daniel tried to interfere with his plans. Mf would now blame him for everything and anything that doesn't work out.

Mandeok: *suddenly walks into Eugene's office* Eugene, the coffee maker isn't working anymo-

Eugene: IT'S HIS FAULT! IT'S ALL DANIEL PARK'S FAULT!!! HE ERADICATED SOME OF MY AFFILIATES, AND NOW HE'S AFTER MY COFFEE MACHINE?! Yuseong: *starts to rock back and forth in his chair, cradling himself while afraid of his brother's psycho outburst*

Come on stink, get it together. You're going coo coo now. I don't know why I thought of Eugene in this scenario. It was funny in my head.

Oh great. NOW, THEY'RE THERE. 🙄

WHO'S GOING 100 MPH ON THE MAIN STREET BRUH??? Also, who tf are YOU mf? 🤨

Also, omg. PTJ, do you always ctrl + c and ctrl + v on your characters' hairstyles or something? Because Warren doesn't look like Zack anymore, but now he looks like-

Like ok, I get it. You're addicted to the copy + paste hairstyles, but I don't wanna have to do this, but... Imma hand over the scissors to Eli and have him end the ctrl + c, ctrl + v era. 😭 Bc, wth is this shit? But they look good tho, ngl.

OHHH NAH NAH NAH NAHHHHHHHH. SOMEONE TAKE HIM BACK, FR. GOO, COME GET YOUR BRO LMAAAAOOOOOO. But oml. EVERYONE'S GOING TO BE AT THE FIRST AFFILIATE, I STG. THEY ALL GOING TO HAVE AN EPIC BATTLE LIKE SMASH BROS. OR SOMETHING, AND THEY'LL GO AT IT, IN ON FINAL BRAWL. And fr Warren, wth have they been feeding Logan for him to get THAT BIG? STEROIDS???

If he took, "I need a big boy" to heart, then I don't want it. 💀💀💀

Nah, it must be all that coke protein powder. Goo gave him a whole bucket of protein powder and Logan would be sniffing and eating it all.

Well, obviously "No." Logan. Also, HOT DOC IS BACK!!! Ofc he is. He's the main star of the First Affiliate.

THERE HE ISSSSSSS, THE MAIN MAN OF THE HOUR!!! 😩 LOOK AT HIM BEING ALL TOUCHY WITH ELI!!! Tbh I didn't know how to feel ab that. "Put these away, motherfucker." YTFJTYFGUYKGFJYGUHKIFUDFKILLUGYKF I'M LMFAOOOOOOOOOO ELI REALLY DOESN'T GIVE A SHIT ANYMORE. HE'S SO DONE.

What did he mean by "I'm not sure though?" 😀 Also, the way Logan said, "How cute is this bastard... Should I give you a kiss?" and Warren replying with, "I'm taken, so no thanks." MAN, WHAT IF YOU WEREN'T TAKEN? THEN WHAT? 🤨 ALSO, THE WAY HE SAID HE'S "taken" NOW BC HE HAS SALLYAHSIDFHSDFIUSHDFIUW. AAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH THAT GOT ME SCREAMING.

AWWWWWW MAAAAAAAAN, I wOnDeR wHo CoUlD tHaT bE ??? Definitely, not Daniel Park.

OH MY GOD. ARE WE FR GETTING A LOGAN LEE VS. DANIEL PARK SHOWDOWN NEXT CHAPTER???? AYOOOOO??? HE'S GOING TO SEE DANIEL'S CURRENT FORM????????? AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH I'M SQUEALINGGGG!!! 😆😆😆😆

"Will Logan Lee face off with Daniel Park soon? Will they ever find Jinyoung Park now? Who will be the next to arrive at the First Affiliate??? Tune in, next time ONNNN-"

Yeah man, F this.

[rawmeknockout]

✨💋 REQUESTS CLOSED 💋✨

Requests are now closed!

Rules:

keep me in your heart. i don't mind multiple requests, esp if they're good, but know that the more requests i get the longer it takes me to get through all of them. i'm unfortunately not a writing machine.

give me kisses pls

i don't mind fetish material, but i have limits. if you like something really graphic, such as gas or scat fetishes, i'll have to pass it up. but 'softer' fetishes to do with body parts or sneezing or whatever is fine. i'm not into it but i'll do my best to write it. (don't make me the sneeze blog tho i stg)

nothing to do with minors and no incest pls. you can request like sideswipe / reader / sunstreaker or the like tho, as long as there's a reader insert to sandwich in there and it's not sibling on sibling thank.

i will write the dark shit you want to read but character death isn't my favorite and if it gets too graphic i may make it a readmore? but that's just bc i get nervous about how people will take it.

writing for ships isn't my favorite. a lot of popular ships do nothing for me bc i'm contrary 😤 let's keep it to mainly reader insert stuff.

i will probably, most often, in all likelihood make the reader gender neutral even if you specify afab or fem bc i'm genderfucked and i don't want all my writing to exclude me if i'm not a woman that day lol lmao. if you specify male reader i will write that. i stand with men. i will write you getting your ass blasted, king.

disregard if my writing includes the word cunt or pussy. im so porn-brained that i associate those words with ass, too.

i think that's it. you guys know how to act (i hope). don't disappoint your dog by acting out of pocket in my inbox.

pwaise??? fow me??? 👉👈🥺

I will write for:

Transformers (no live-action, michael bay dies by my hand)

Genshin Impact

Twisted Wonderland

G.I. Joe

Ultrakill

i've mostly cut down what I write for. you're free to offer different fandoms/stuff in my inbox, but these are the things i'm mainly always into and it's easy for me to get interested in. i'm sorry for my weeb shit.

Donation link:

this doesn't affect the rate at or order in which i complete requests, but i've run this blog so long that uuuh idk i decided that taking donations might be nice? i write for the pleasure of it and bc i'm a degenerate, and having others read my shit and love it is the greatest gift tbh! but i'm also just a dude who has like,,, responsibilities and shit. don't feel like you have to! i'll be filling requests for a long time, donations or not.

[jellidile]

WHERE IS MY HUSBAND

LISTEN BUNGIE, YOU’VE BEEN KEEPING VARIKS IN VARIOUS ISOLATED PLACES AND NOW THAT SPIDER IS ALLOWED IN THE CITY, ITS HIS TURN. WE’RE GOING TO BEAT ERAMIS TO DEATH AND THEN TAKE VARIKS HOME I STG. In other news, since Variks has been suspiciously missing this whole season imagine this:

Mithrax and Eramis’ blades clashed together a battle between Kell’s, one in service to darkness, the other to light. Eramis snapped at Mithrax, “You haven’t changed Misraaks, you just made your bloodlust more palatable.” Mithrax growled pushing into Eramis and thrusting his blade forward, “I am changed. I believe our people can do better, Eramiskel. That we can rise to greatness again, alongside humanity. Instead of sit in the squalor and fear you command.” The guardian fought only a few rooms away, trying desperately to reach him and Mithrax heard Eido over the comms. He would not let Eramis repeat old mistakes, for the Eliksni still living, for all those he killed, and most of all for his daughter. He should’ve expected Eramis to fight dirty. After another clash she kicked Mithrax’s feet out and pointed her blade at him, a snide chuckle leaving her. The guardian pushed open the door and aimed down at Eramis who pressed her sword against Mithrax’s neck, “Move one more inch Machine spawn and their will be no Kell of Light anymore.” The guardian struggled to stay still but Mithrax pleaded for them to listen. He began to quietly speak about Eramis’ children and his own and terms of surrender. But it all only seemed to enrage her, and she yelled something about a voice and raised her sword to strike Mithrax. A single gunshot rang out as Eramis sreeched and the sword fell to the ground. Mithrax looked to the guardian who stared at the back of the room, where, from the darkness hobbled Variks. His eyes narrow and venom in his voice,

“Eramis... It seems Variks’ vigil was not as closely kept as promised.” she seethed,

“Always the traitor Variks.” her back was turned and Mithrax took the opportunity to jump onto Eramis. They struggled immensely on the ground, fighting to restrain the other. Until finally Mithrax pinned her to the ground and had the guardian shock her for good measure. She warbled, defeated again, “Just end me. To be beaten twice- Death would be a blessing.” Mithrax grumbled,

“No Eramis. That is not our way anymore. We are going to be better. I am going to be better. Perhaps one day you will see that.” After all was said and done, Mithrax looked to Variks and hummed, “The Queen-” “Does not concern Variks right now. Only Eramis, and you.” Mithrax seemed surprised, “Me?” “You have flourished into a fine Kell, Misraakskel. Variks admits he had his doubts for one so young. Of course, age did not do Variks any favours either.” Mithrax chuckled dryly before falling quiet. Close by he heard Eido and Drifter talking, most likely to the Last City’s silent hero. Mithrax coughed, “Variks... I know I told you we need no need of a scribe but Eido... She wishes to document out entire history, past and present. I know no one better for her to speak to. Perhaps it would finally get you off of Europa, by helping her. Mara would have no room to complain.” The vandal chittered as the fellow scribe peeked from the door, “Perhaps... I will need time. But it would be nice to teach someone the old songs. I am beginning to forget them.” A pointed glance was directed at Eido, who peeped as she realized she’d been caught. Variks waved her over and chittered, “The first lesson I will teach you is this young Eido, never underestimate a scribe.” And given time, it would be the first of many.

[access--granted]

I'm bad at thinking on the spot, but I have some firm faves, lol. (Disclaimer, I accidentally wrote you an encyclopaedia, sorry!)

1. Jill. REmake was my first game early this year and I played as her. It's what sucked me into fullblown brainrot lmfao. I've played most of the series now and for the most part, Jill has remained one of the most consistent and realistic female characters throughout the series (imo). I mean, I've never looked at my screen an thought "has the director ever seen her character before? What the hell is this?" Which in RE is a rare occurrence lmfao! She isn't super, overly sexualised and I honestly just thoroughly enjoy her personality and story. She knows who she is and what her goals are. Death Island absolutely solidified this for me. It made me feral, I stg. Her arc was phenomenal. I want a brand new Jill campaign. I need her as a main game character again soon. She's one of the best. SHE SHOULD HAVE BEEN THERE WITH CHRIS KILLING WESKER INSTEAD OF SHEVA SOMEBODY HAS TO SAY IT. An original that holds her own. Just... *chefs kiss*.

2. Claire. Similar reasons to Jill. She has clear motivations and a good arc. Her campagin is my favourite part of RE2make and I think it's shamefully underrated. I found her realtionship with Sherry a lot more significant than Leons and honestly, her A playthrough was just... better? That's perisnal opinion though. I wish they'd let this woman buy a new outfit. She's worn the same jacket since '98. Recycling queen I guess, lmfao. I don't think people really give her enough attention or credit. She's incredibly kind and patient but could also beat me to a pulp. Phenomenal.

3. Chris. Okay, a few iffy portrayals but he's overall a very solid character. I like him so much because he's a "terrifying but actually very soft and huggable" trope in my mind, lmao. I can't shake the Awkward Father vibe, no matter how many 400lbs machine guns he plays around with. I just think he's very tired and wants to watch a football game with friends. Give him a break.

4. Ethan Winters. It's fucking Ethan Winters. Ethan and Rose were excellent new additions to the cast. I adored them. They were something different, refreshing, realistic (minus the lego man hands... dude's made of mold tho so...) and just very likeable. Dude just chills in the background at functions wanting to go home.

5. Leon. Leon's equally one of the most interesting but frustrating protagonists. I think his OG progression is a complete mess. There's some parts I love, some parts I think make zero sense. I always got the sense that they wanted to be ambitious with Leon, but didn't know what the audience would and wouldn't accept. Does this man have a personality? Yes, we'll hint at one, but we absolutely must adhere to naughts cringe hero stereotype just incase. He often leaves me perplexed, but I enjoy him. He's fun to nitpick and study (and make fun of!!!) and he arguably has one of the most interesting long-term stories. I think remakes are going harder to bring this to light. At it's core, the Leon story is about his relationship with corruption, the government and how he deals with it and who to trust. It could be... SOMETHING. I think we're getting there. The changes in remakes are making it more and more possible. They're taking risks and it greatly benefits him as a character overall. He makes sense. He's understandable.

(PS a lot of this sounds like nonsensical jumbled ass, I'm so sorry lmao. I did not sleep and I need pain meds today bc hashtag chronic pain. If this message is total dumbassery jibberish you have my deepest apologies!)

Ahhh, hi! I absolutely love a good old encyclopedia ask, don't you worry. (And you're probably gonna get a long ass answer too, lmao).

REmake Jill is my favourite Jill. Her kick ass determination and personality are just so good. She was my first ever example of a strong female character as a kid, and she's always been my absolute fave. Totally agree with you that DI sold her to me even more. She desperately needs a new campaign in a mainline game ASAP, I've missed her too damn much.

I feel like Claire has had most hate in the franchise (in my personal experience, at least), and honestly, I don't get the whole "Claire is so annoying" crap I've seen people say in the past. She has good motivation. A college student going to search for her S.T.A.R.S member brother when she doesn't hear from him, only to survive a hellish night amidst a viral outbreak and cure a child? So badass.

Chris is 100% awkward dad vibes despite his badassery and boulder punching skills, no doubt about it. He's more sensitive than people understand him to be. (Which literally makes no sense, considering how broken he is whenever someone he cares about doesn't make it, lol). Let this man live, put his feet up and relax.

Ethan, my guy. I fucking love him so much. I remember how so many people hated him, back when RE7 first came out. "Oh, but he's just some random guy who is looking for his missing wife. How boring." Uh, isn't that what makes him so much more interesting? He's not an agent, or a S.T.A.R.S member, or whatever like the others are. He's a man willing to go above and beyond to save someone he loves. He gets put through so much shit and still selflessly sacrifices himself. What a guy.

Leon is a hot mess (affectionately). Capcom wanted to do things with OG Leon, and they just didn't know how to go about it. He's definitely a fun one to pick apart and analyse. You're right, though. I definitely think they could really polish what kind of character they want him to be with future installments since they've already gotten him to a pretty decent place already. I've always loved him, but he sure has been a roller coaster ride, hahaha.

Honestly, I always love getting long asks like this, especially from mutuals I wanna talk more to. It's just a shame I'm such a socially awkward coward and can't initiate conversation myself. 😂 I had a lot of fun answering this, so thank you, and I really hope you can rest up soon!

[myfaveisfuckable]

Rants under the read more

zhongli/Sung Jinwoo: its ok, Solo Leveling after-story extras doesnt exist, Solo Leveling after-story extras cant hurt you like it hurt me. Sung Jinwoo, after becoming mostly-not-human at the end of the novel, essentially immortal and self-proclaimed protector of the entire earth, I think should fuck the 6000 year old retired dragon god Zhongli. Like, I think they can get along. Honestly that's mostly it. They're both like, these serious authority figure type of guys who just want to chill and I think they have a similar sense of humor. also i'm half-convinced zhongli will find jinwoo's death aesthetic hot, old guy's ex-boyfriends (not canon) all have their own corruption arcs (canon) and hey at least with sung jinwoo his '''corruption arc''' is just him becoming death itself so like, win-win?? what was I talking about.. anyway ship Zhongli/Sung Jinwoo for the fun times thank you <3

Mirage/V2: they've never met. one of them isn't even canon. their AO3 tag has 6 works in it. I do not take the word OTP lightly, I will die on this hill.

Mirage (she/any) is a spoof character from a noncanonical visual novel-themed secret level about nihilism and V2 (it/they/any) is a twice-recurring game boss whose story ends in it being irrevocably crushed into paste (fell off a pyramid) by its predecessor V1.

because they're barely even in the same game much less have any canon connection, the ship primarily exists because of Dream's End Come True, a fairly popular fanwork that isn't ship-focused but it's the first thing that put them together. like a sort of... very tiny big bang for a barely relevant pairing. and then it grew from there! you can read it at which is a real URL to a real webpage I stg. or just search it on google idc. I do not know if you're an adult so I won't rec 18+ fics but any of the fics in the ao3 tag are well-written :) (a couple of them are mine too lol)

as for the pairing itself: two robots. one fake (yet alive) machine, lonely from living in her world devoid of narrative significance. she was never meant to die. one real (yet dead) machine, lonely from lack of purpose in a harsh, dead hell. it was never meant to live. and then they kiss! they both need the company and mirage's more human mannerisms and joy of monologuing contrast in a really cute way with V2's robotic nature and ability to listen. they're cute. i like them more than anyone on this earth. put them in this poll. MV2 SWEEP REAL

[the-caffeinated-fish]

Did volume 8 make anyone else quit RWBY?

WARNING: This is gonna be me shit talking volume 8 of rwby. You don’t wanna see that, don’t read it. Simple. 

I stg this volume did everything in it’s power to make me dislike this show. Pointless squabbles amongst the cast, Ironwood becoming stupid evil villain crazy, poor fucking Penny being abused, hacked, and beaten cause RT didn’t know what to do with a maiden super robot so they just had her getting beat up all the time. 

Characters like Yang, jaune, and Ren making stupid choices and reacting like children to certain situations. Winter being made out to be this tragic figure that has lost so so much compared to Ironwood when she stays by his side until he goes crazy enough to try and drop a nuke on the city of mantle. 

Why are the stupid portal ways all connected like some weird rainbow road shit when you can just, idk, make each door way go to their own portal into vacuo? Why are Cinder and Neo even allowed to go into the portal realm? Why did they try to make Cinder out to be this tragic character with the most predictable past of having an abusive step mother? She’s still fucking evil. We’re not gonna feel bad for her when she just tried to murder Penny and then goes right back to being a bitch. 

Emerald being trusted by the group/ ‘going good’ was so rushed you can tell the M & K just wanted to use her for one thing and then drop her. 

Penny being made human just kinda throws the whole ‘even as a machine you have a soul and are alive’ thing. I swear it was just so they could have Jaune’s sword be covered in actual blood instead of her green blood instead. 

And then there’s Penny’s death itself my god. 

Her death scene is this: Cinder throws fire at her feet, Penny puts her guard up, puts it’s DOWN, takes her eyes OFF cinder, and Cinder one shots her with her stupid plot device Grimm arm. Jaune who let me remind you has healed mortally fatal wounds and supposedly gotten stronger ‘has no time to heal her’ and so has to kill Penny. 

Penny is killed by Jaune. I’m not even sure these two have every even been in the same scene before but hey I guess RT has a hard on for Jaune being around soon to die red heads huh? 

And then we’re made to feel all bad for Winter (Who can’t even beat up Ironwood after he just got his shit rocked like 30 minutes ago) when she becomes the winter maiden and doesn’t even stop Cinder from taking the Relic and the ‘killing’ Jaune and Weiss.  

Oh and I’m so glad Ironwood just mercs Weiss and Winter’s dad so I guess now Blake, Yang, AND Weiss’ big backstories have been wrapped up now? Just gotta wait for Ruby to find her Grimmified Mom or whatever. Or not because I have zero plans to watch volume 9. 

I swear to god man this volume was so so bad I feel bad for past me being so excited to see it that I bought a first membership. If the fandom were so good I’d block the tag all together. 

[tsuki-sennin]

Okay! I'm mentally prepared! Kamen Rider Revice, Episode 33! The Gay One (TM)

Will I be chanting in jubilation or face overwhelming despair? Only God knows the answer. Are we ready to die?

-Picking up right where we left off, where Ikki whiffs his Rider Kick to avoid hitting Sakura.

-Sakura's been carrying this whole show, I stg man.

-This is like the gayest shit in the universe, I love it.

-Oh! Dr. Akemi's still alive! That's great! ...has she really been here alone this whole time? I mean, I know Akaishi's super secretive so he probably locked his office up like a bank vault, but I figured George would've checked in here.

-Goddamn! You got moves, girl!

-Oh Jesus Christ he's bullet proof.

-Ohhhhh, there he is! Vail in full form!

-"Damn, oxygen is tasty."

-"Epic, here's some drugs!"

-Man.

-Ahhhh, Aguilera in the aquarium.

-"Dude, Mrs. Igarashi made me clean out the washing machine filter the other day, and when I did a good job she said I was helpful :D"

-Help your sister, Vice!

-In the deepest darkness of the mind of Sakura Igarashi... there is Lovekov.

-Teen angst.

-I see Lovekov decorates in Pinkie Pie Modern. Classy.

-She speaks! :O

-"Beat it, bitch boy!"

-Wait, wait!

-"Fuck rank, it's Justice Time."

-This truly has been a Dai-chan moment.

-Damn, she ain't doing enough for an embodiment of her own weakness. Goddamn.

-Oooooooooooooooooooogh, that looks horrible! Ow!

-Wow... Aguilera's truly alone.

-"FBI OPEN UP!"

-Given all the awful shit Akaishi does, I'm not sure I wanna know what he did to make her catatonic like that.

-Punch his ass out, Dai-chan!

-"Finally, Sakura Igarashi... with our legendary final duel, I will find the ultimate fulfillment. Either I fall in battle at the hands of the woman I admire, or I truly become strong by taking her life. Only between you and I, in this perfect aquarium backdrop, soon, I shall-"

-"Fuck that, you wanna just hang out?"

-"Ehhh?"

-THE EMPHASIS

-Bestie Montage~!

-VAIL APPEARS

-Dad Demon!

-"Dude, my sister's on a date! Get outta here!"

-Omg he trusts Tamaki-kun :sob:

-Daaaaamn, even without transforming, Vail's pretty tough!

-Oh god, he can just add things onto himself!

-That's pretty neat!

-Hell yeah, throwbacks to earlier in the season!

-Ooooooh, even a Remix!

-"Oh God, he really is evil!"

-Sooooo, Dai-chan, did you not bring your TwoSiDriver?

-Fu-Rin-Ka-Zan!

-Hell yeah, beat his ass!

-Man didn't even have a scratch on him!

-Ice Cweam :3

-This truly was... a grand day out.

-Oh no... here it comes :(

-The duel is arriving.

-This poor girl truly sees no other option. Perhaps the duel of a lifetime is exactly what we need.

-Going my way~! Kamen Rider J-J-Jeanne~!

-I guess even you get the gravity of this situation, Hikaru-kun.

-Here comes the fan!

-Oh hi, George!

-Karate Girl's got a new present~!

-Shoebill Hibiki!

-Ohhhhhh, that's a cool-ass scythe.

-Aaaaand, there it is. The I love you.

-Even if she needs Gifu's own power.

-She's free now. A contract rendered null and void.

-Do you think that George made it a scythe to help sell the sense of death and rebirth? If so, that's pretty damn cool.

-"You're welcome, by the way."

-You've got a whole Sakura available... Hana-chan :)

-Yeah that's it, let it out.

-Bathtime!

-Ducks~!

-Love, love love, love~!

-LET'S GO LESBIANS LET'S GOOOO

-Hana Natsuki! Welcome to the Weekend~!

-Ladies, you have well and truly won this wonderful Sunday morning.

-And there it is! Our next stamp on the 0 filled out in short order. Wonder what else we're seeing?

-Oh shoot, Dai-chan focus! :O

-Next episode. We're going straight to hell.

[kusogamesss]

PAGAN: Autogeny

After Technopolis and Emporium, I was immensely excited to delve into Autogeny. From the outset, however, Autogeny demonstrated with crystal clarity that it is not the work I wanted or expected it to be.

Much of this is no doubt due to my own misunderstanding of what the Pagan titles were trying to convey to me. Autogeny makes it explicit that the space the player delves into and reclaims are part of a dead MMO, something that never occured to me with the previous titles. Autogeny is undeniably about the trans (re)claiming of digital spaces. One of your skills is Estrogen, a character tells you that walls are little more than clandestine passages, another skill is Body Forging which is levelled by appending thigh-high socks to a busty mannequin. I find those aspects fascinating, and fitting for a dead MMO. Not that I can speak with any authourity, but I think like with STG (keep in mind the top Battle Garegga player in the world is a trans woman), the appeal of trans/queer inquiries into the dead MMO space have to do with an a-communal appeal. For an MMO, here exists a land ostensibly populated with other people, real in the case of a 'living' MMO, a simulacra for a dead MMO. Those fictionalised representations of people don't harbour the same discriminatory sentiments that real players might. These false selves hate goblins and demons, not a real person's actual existence. One won't be called a slur for any number of reasons, these players become as ghosts in the machine, consuming that which is no longer considered suitable for consumption. And all of this is fantastic and deserves to be realised in a cohesive, singular gamespace that is agnostic of actual MMOs, I just don't think Autogeny operates well as that space.

The appeal of Technopolis and Emporium largely arose from the non-labelling of them as dead MMOs. The thought hadn't even occurred to me. The colour-banding grey miasma of Technopolis didn't strike me as a dead digital space, but as a non-place between life and death. The pervasiveness of John Atkinson Grimshaw's nocturnal urban purgatories and John William Waterhouse's The Magic Circle and Hylas with a Nymph made it plain to me that this was a time before death, a time of abduction, a time of awaiting a true end. The skills of Technopolis suggested responses to catastrophe, the grey concrete nothings mining away at cars a sort of coping through this transitory period. When rapture is on its way (or perhaps occurrent) would we not descend into a mad reverie of our silicon masters, or stoke the flames of seared flesh in the name of an urban scavenger? The accompanying player piano's ceaseless echoes of Bach's Jesus bleibet meine Freude call to mind The End of Evangelion's audience scene where we see the world continuing, and the world without the body to occupy it. It is a pre-post-present apocalypse.

Emporium only cemented this in/after the end reasoning to me. The overwhelming bass as the world collapses around the self, every fragment of life gone apart from the knights. This is a realm of post-apocalyptic techno-serfdom as conveyed in James Ferraro's Four Pieces for Mirai. It is a land of desiccated theology, of fire's warmth, of murderous necessity. When the meaning of tarot is lost, we look to those omnipresent Bicycle brand playing cards for some answer from the cosmos, given to us like manna by a video poker machine. This is the Strugatsky Brother's notion of a Roadside Picnic, these fragments of someone's dicarded past misunderstood and misapplied to eke out some sort of undeserved existence. Were that not enough, this space is explicitly Hamilton, Ontario. This is not an MMO space, this is a real space. When we get on the boat to leave, we are not headed for brighter shores for there are none. We continue a spiral of non-life and non-death until, mercifully, it will end.

The combat of Technopolis was a non-act, your targets unflinching though they oozed digital red. Emporium had combat as a means to an end for progression, your spear poking into flaming bodies with no retaliation. Autogeny by contrast insists on an actual combat system, at odds with the previous Pagan titles' recontextualisation of violence. And it isn't even good combat, it exists only to further the notion of this being an MMO locale. The inventory becomes a clusterfuck of labour vouchers and multiple copies of limbs as items reappear out of necessity when changing locations. The difficult navigation of a blurred, fogged landscape makes everything a frustration exacerbated by agonisingly slow movement. It wastes time by having death as a possibility, by having its multiple endings locked behind repeat full playthroughs a requirement. It insists upon itself and I wish so much that it did not.

[queenaeducan-writes]

The Silver Dagger

Fandom: Mass Effect Characters: Kirrahe, Rentola, Salarian STG OC Warning: Major Character Death

After Virmire, the salarians who fought alongside Gunnery-Chief Ashley Williams fight to see their comrade-in-arms is awarded the honour she deserved in life.

The Admiral’s call came just on schedule, Venat was never one to delay. “Captain, my office. Now.” Kirrahe brushed himself off and was on his way. He had expected to walk into the cold, bare office and receive a reprimand for his request. What he had not expected was for the doors to his own office to slide open and find Rentola waiting for him on the other side.

“Commander?”

“I heard what you did,” he sniffed, arms folded over his chest. He didn’t look at Kirrahe as he spoke. “Wanted to throw in my support.”

“It’s appreciated.”

“It’s not for you,” he said shortly, walking towards Venat’s office. Kirrahe trailed in his footsteps, smiling for what felt like the first time in a year. I know it’s not. They passed through the threshold to Venat’s office together. It was like walking into a morgue. A white noise machine churred away on his desk, if it weren’t for that the room would be totally silent.

“Captain, you know why you’re here.” His greeting was to the point, as always.

Kirrahe straightened, expanding his lungs with air so his chest puffed out. He clasped his hands behind his back. “I do, sir.” Venat turned in his chair, levelling his gaze at the two of them. There wasn’t a single flicker of surprise at Rentola’s presence.

With a long, grey finger he slid the papers towards the both of them. “Do you have any idea how unorthodox this is?”

“Unorthodox, perhaps, doesn’t mean it’s not worth doing. STG has never been an organisation for tradition.” He glanced at Rentola from support but only got steely silence in response. It was clear he was going to do the talking. Typical of Rentola, but his support was enough. “We’re not asking for a Star of Sur'kesh, a Silver Dagger would–”

“Shame the very people the medal was meant for,” the unfamiliar waver of anger crept into Venat’s tone. He was usually so calm. “War heroes, Captain. Men even you admire and aspire to be.”

“If I die half the hero Williams was I’d consider myself lucky,” he replied.

“You’re laying it on thick, Captain. Be careful. I give this,” he shook the papers in the air, “away and we’re facing complaints from clans who don’t wish their loved ones to be associated with this award.”

“Tell them if it weren’t for this human there’d be a dozen fewer STG officers still alive. She’s getting a silver dagger, Admiral, I’m not budging on this.”

He leaned upon the desk, staring at Kirrahe with cold eyes. “Give me one reason.”

“I’ll quit,” Rentola said. Kirrahe saw the faintest flicker of surprise in the Admiral’s eyes as he swung to face the other salarian. If there was any salarian who could match Venat’s scowl it was Rentola.

“You’re joking.”

“You have a choice here, Admiral,” Kirrahe said. He struggled to hide his smirk, tightening his lips across his teeth before he spoke again. “You give up the medal, or you’re short two high ranking officials.” Rentola exchanged a look with him, then nodded.

There was a moment when Kirrahe thought Venat would say ‘fine, pack your things’. He wanted to, he could see it in the way his eyes narrowed until they were slits. Eventually, he sighed deeply through his nose and stood. “Request granted. You’re going to have to write a lot of apology letters when this goes through.”

“With all due respect, sir?” Kiss my ass. “I don’t care.”

[mum-for-da-sons]

Very messy Delta review

Hey gang, i sat & typed & spiraled while listening to delta for the first time just now, so if that interests you to read barely legible thoughts, it’ll be under the read more thing. dang i’m sad!! BUt spoiler alert: GOOOD ALBUM! I’m SAD!! (do note I don’t find the album or many tracks all-around too sad, I’m just a depressed bih)

Delta thoughts: okay i’m not gonna really edit what i wrote but for everyone’s sanity i’ll bold the song titles, okay?

42: BINCH! See a sign, I need some guiding light,,, eff ME UP OKAY?? This is such a strong start i’m already getting teary-eyed, huh. Ugh, it’s so satisfying… well effing done lads,, well done

Guiding Light: Hot dang the whispered beginning?? I really need to fix my computer speakers because this sounds heavenly in my over-ear headphones,, gosh dang. Discover some new TRUTH! Gosh dang this is not a comprehensive review in the slightest but i don’t care!! Binch!! I can’t even say anything good… when beloved or darkness visible makes me cry, i guess beloved is fourth? So if it does it’ll be first, anyway, when i start crying maybe i have something cooler to say. Not crazy about the “dubstep build” on this, after the bridge, just because i don’t believe it, like it’s not long enough, and resolves unconvincingly. But, anyway.

Woman: literally FRICK i thought if i say was next this start is cool and very Winston. Oh vibes?? Oh worm?? Woman?? I’m like 15 seconds in and this is… yes. Can you ever really know? No. is ths song even about anything lol i don’t think i care?? Issa vibe, gang. Chorus?? Eff me up. He said frosty… wendy’s come collect. Oh that was the pre-chorus?? This is f*cking me up… VIBES. i ‘ve been waiting for them to try this in a song of theirs and not like a cover.. I knew they were capable…. The range they’re displaying rn? I love it. I love them wtf!!  Oooh man i wanna see this live? There’s this drumstick noise, like rimshots? That sounds so satisfying. Yes, clackety clack. This is nice. Nice song. Don’t really know what they’re singing, bt this is warm. I like it. Mumford & sons finally said it’s 2018, huh. I just got a youtube notification of me commenting on their radio appearance and i literally said “the range they’re showing? Fantastic” and yanno what,, same

Beloved: this song started like right away huh. He said darling… dang he did that. He’s fitting a lot of words in on this one. Ohh the lord has a plan? It is hard to understand… i love these lyrics.. Big brain meme. Are you afraid? The attack.. Hand come through the mirror?? That visual!!! O f*ck me up. Before you leave :(( yeah it’s getting to me aHAHA.ohh this breakdown? Yes. these drums are especially nice. Ugh i really missed these guys wtf :(. AND AS YOU LEAVE, YOU MUST KNOW YOU ARE BELOVED> yes. Yes. as you LEeeeEEeaaveee. See my children playing at your feet?? BOI.. i’m so soft wtf.. They’re really putting it all out… i wanna hug them i’m so… this is so sweet aw. Oh no the song is fading, no don’t do that song

What song is this the piano can f*ck me up: ben man, you’re doin that huh. No literally did we have to jump to this painful… frick. This violin? Is nice. WE SAW BIRTH AND DEATH. Oh frick. They’re just going for it this is a lot i’m soft. Lemme actually see what song this is lol.. It’s The Wild. i have like chills & i can’t tell if it’s because i’m cold or not. Do not be afraid :(. OH they stripped it back!!! THIS IS NICE! Binch! Puts the fear of God in me :( this is so nice .. it’s hard to pick what to focus on. What’s that i see binch? I think it’s the wild… marcus is really do THAT with these vocals, huh. There was like a breath and.. The atmosphere during this part?? Nat Geo who??? Ohhh i like this so much.. It’s like a soundtrack.. The sampling of noise?? The background?? It’s cool, doesn’t specifically sound like them at all, but, aw these drums :( now it’s like a war movie.. This is so interesting. Those drums remind me of the drums in winter winds that i can sometimes here & it’s very drill-like and marching band-esqe and i love it. Aw birds??? You know what this reminds me of…. I won’t say

Next song: marcus is playing no games with these vocals, jesus. October Skies.. Isn’t this his favorite one… ooh ted I hear that bass,, eff it up.OooooOOOoooHH. The range… i love these guys. I’m blinded by the light of october skies… the movie with Jake Gylenhaal, and in the valley I am free :( where’d the silehute go? OOOooooOOOOooooHH YOUr’e esesjfsfshesal!! The fear of what’s to come.. CRIPlin’ me :( binch. Is this synth lowkey?? Brand it on my mind is such a great visual, like the “press my nose up to the glass around your heart” line.. Who wrote it. Oh is the sonG_ OOOOOOoooooOOOOOOoooooHHHH. Maggie rogers is that you? Hot dang

An upbeater!! Wipe those tears baby! Is this the just smoke of this album. This is.. Slip Away. “stoic smile” i see you… haha. Ooh this chorus is nice COME AND SUFFER HERE, LADIES! Mood!! Holding my breathe for you? F! In this violence of a mind’s eye… i like everything except maybe---- ohh this falsetto?? I’m.. i’m tearing.. Oooh we just found a song to cry to in the middle of the night, huh. It’s misleading with the beat vs. the lyrics.. I wouldn’t have it any other way!! Gosh i’m so depressed! Lol!! There’s a pulsing beat of some kind that’s nice.. Also some nice guitar work on here, some clackety things… go gently… be still…. Go gently….now… be still… Go Gentlyyyyy nowwwww, be stiiiilllll. Ugh they.. They’re doing this… i’m so proud of them wtf. Is this winston?? Who is singing.. Marcus?? I can’t.. Tell? No i think its marcus but we’ve truly never heard that high-end from him for that long

Okay: next song is pretty interesting- ooh! Right off the bat! This has to be the one they said sounded like ngalma? However you spell it… clap clap clap clap clap, this is a drum-machiner one for sure. I will be yours & you will be mine, ever our lives will be entwined binch! This noise after “my rose of sharon” is a mood. Ugh this is so cute.. Imagine being happy w/ someone else, what a concept ! eeeeeee yuh! That’s what they’re singing in the back.. My rose of sharon, my rose of sharon, BRR BRR BRN NER! Did the song-- what’s up with these abrupt endings

That being said, Picture You sounds v vibey right off the bat. Okay lads! I thought it best you didn’t knowww. I’m so proud of Marcus for flaunting these vocals, i stg, I’ve spoken on this before but... like he can do that!! I’m so glad he’s,, doing it! Ooh the “away” is v nice. I love full-stops in music, where the sound gets sucked out like here or just stops entirely… yes boys. Okay.. not crazy about this kind of.. Breakdown but it’s still cool. Just not in-rand as much as some other things. I mean, this sound is V different of course but they’re workin’ it. Okay i kind of stopped paying attention for a sec… there’s sampling… ohhh oh no it’s getting dark… hohoho no guys.. I’m excited but the anxiety is jumping out… holy smokes this is cool tho. It’s pretty. Hope that never comes, that comes to all.. Torture without end… yet from the great flames no light,,, but rather.. .DARKNESS VISIBLE. I’m gonna check if it didn’t seamlessly bleed into darkness visible…

Oh it did!! Their minds!! God, i already know i love darkness visible,, it was my pre-album listen fave on details about it alone,, we’re depressed sweeties let’s pop off… it’s so nice >:(. And just like that it ended!!!! BINCH!!! Ooh they’re like not even vocally in that one… i like that ish!! Not the “them not being in it” in that way but OOH! That was effing cool

If I Say: is still v v nice,, sounds effing expansive and beautiful with good headphones, i’m picking up all the lil details and prettiness.. The synth line after “if i say i love you, well then i love you” is sooo satisfying too. Ugh this orchestra,,, it’s building.. Truly their minds were so big on this album, huh. I’ll tell you what It doesn’t mean that i feel better! It doesn’t mean that I feel better! I’m, haha i still kinda hate this chorus but their so passionate i can’t hate it all the way,, like they love this ish and are into it & i love them so it’s allll good homies. I dig. I’ll be fake and wild out when they play it live, don’t worry. But peace you never find :( the guitar tone is crispyyyy,, the instrumentation… ugh it’s so nice. Violins can murder me or someat and I’d accept it. AND IF I SAY I LOVE YOU, THEN I LOVE YOUUUU. Ugh,, so so nice man

What’s NEXT: ooh some seamlessness in that transition.. .is this ghost of tom joad i’m hearing lol, mortal once again!! Oh this is a mood, freak.. Sigh no more marcus really jumped out on this one. This shuffling maraca thing is so nice. I’ll hold you by the jaw!! Hoo hoo bihhh. “It took a wild heart to tame mIIiine” this is so nice wtf!! Ugh this is so nice. I wouldn’t have you any other way,, awwwwwWWW!! Who want a love that makes sense anyway? I’ll effing say! Ugh this is very nice. These lyrics are so interesting… this is a good one guys, quiet & sweet but there’s some pretty cool things also going on, like it’s simple but its… this is it, ya know? This piano is sweet too. This whole thing is sweet, maybe that’s a dumb word to use but. This is so sweeeeet ugh!!! The vocal riffs on “mine” … ugh!! I kind of like the echoey vocals too.. Soft rain patter for two seconds at the end??

Reverse noises w/ a big breath from Marcus: let’s effing go w/ this album, gang!! What song is this reminding me of… whispers in the dark? He did some late-babel, early wilder mind voice thing.. Wait it’s forever isn’t it. I heard this one i think, like 3 yrs ago.. Yup, Dare I Say Forever.. I still don’t like do it for the girl” cos it’s too straightfoward, ,”i’ve known pious women” LOL where is this going. Only mumford & sons can really put that word in a song and just, keep singing. We stan tho, we stan. Think of london,,, we love. The DAAaaYS you defend will turn to gold,, this could easily be the last song on the album, this is like a last-call at the bar song,, in a good way, i’ve linked arms with my buddies & we’re all yelling this song like goons,, yes. Lighters a-waving,, are we too sentimental to not look back atnd!! WOW he realy did that with stare!! I couldnt finish typing that.. Is this part auto-tuned?? Dare I say.. Why? I’m choosing to hear it as a vocoder and many harmonies so i don’t hate that but uhaha they.. Hm they tried that i guess. Other than that the vi- oh why did the violin exit like that

The song is bouncing in my ears weird!! It’s giving me monster vibes atm. There’s a definite thread of messages goin thru this album & oof i love being sad,, the children come & go as you weep? Lol i love being sad. I am a waste?? My words are empty [as the bed we made]. Wilder mind is comin out on this, the album, huh!! The optimism on this album is-- I”LL MEET YOU OUT THE DELTAAA< WHERE THE RIVER”S RUINNING TO THE SEA,, GOD i love it. Ooh these drums, cool cool, it’s.. This is cool. Also sampling marcus’s children is sure way to eff everyone up, but that’s for another post,, ooooh i’m soft!! When it feels like nothing else matters :((((( lets go with this build!!! I wanna go for a run and have a cry.. Ooh man i took a moment there… this is so nice :( i’v missed them!!! Whats goin on with his vocals here,, the recording is like too close,, on purpose?? Hm. dust to dust!! I see you!! Marcus is truly giving his all here,, ugh I”m so proud of all of them, they put their LIVES on this, didn’t they!!! This song is such a feeling,, i can’t describe it i’m sad, but awwwW! I don’t kno wtf these kids are saying but wow that was cute as all heck!!! I”m so soft!! The album is over!! They did it!! Frick i don’t know how to feel!! Good really, but wow!!! Trying to not let my own sadness affect this review haha but !! what a nice body of work they produced!! In all the best ways, mostly!! I love them!!  I wanna have another listen!! Aw!!!! Frick guys. Frick. Can’t imagine anyone wants to slog thru this and have a read but,, anyway thanks if you did i guess, special thanks to Mumford & Sons for being my favorite band and always :( always being there when I need it. I needed this. wow. wow. Wowww!!!  Oof, haha i’m sad

Okay wait also he should’ve repeated the “I’ll meet you at the delta part” at least one more time but eff my criticism that song captures all stages of life and i truly wanna cry, so there’s that. Theses guys put it all out there & I really love them for that.

[bbs-backlog-challenge]

Nier: Automata

I’ve heard many great things about Near A Tomato but I don’t know any actual details, so I’m able to go into this one mostly blind. I certainly wasn’t expecting it to be an STG/RPG hybrid, which was a pleasant surprise as a fan of both of those genres.

Tubey and her friend Ninus are robots who fight other robots. Or, something. The game starts in medias res and I haven’t got far enough yet to make any real sense of what’s happening. However, in the first hour of gameplay, I literally ripped off a robot’s arm and beat it to death with it, which is pretty much the strongest opening in video game history.

Fin or Bin:

Considering the way Tubes and Ninesy talk about the other robots as deserving destruction and being “just machines” I’m anticipating that the story is going to be heavily centred around the concept of identity, which I’m sure is going to make me cry at least 934 times. Thankfully combat is fluid and bombastic enough that I can pretend it’s just the visuals burning into my eyes. Looking forward to Finishing this one.

[smartchicken]

Hi I show up every time you post which is haha, so funny, but I just wanna know if you've figured out that I'm a desperate bitch yet and if not, I'm a desperate bitch and I like your stuff. You're cool (also what're your thoughts on a road trip AU featuring young!Tony with a lot of trauma under his belt alongside honourably discharged Bucky who's forgotten how to live but they meet in the middle and it becomes a little easier to breathe)

-chokes-Oh manFirst off, i really would like to encourage people to just randomly describe themselves in my inbox.SECOND this is the first time I've replied to an ask with the mobile app and i don't understand why it's not automatically double spaced, it's really fucking with me, but I'm about as likely to do something about it as i am to tell my phone to auto-capitalize "i". I just Don't CareTHIRDLYROADTRIPokay first off I've had a very few good roadtrips and only one was "Long" (~18 hours) BUT i have great stories from those and now i am picturing not only a young Tony maybe on the run or just trying not to be home, and poor Bucky who got an honorable discharge but got fucked over because that's the American way, but all the avengers because the best roadtrip is when there's two cars and by about halfway through you're straight up enemiesSo like, car 1: Rhodey, Nat, Pepper, Bucky, and Tony. Car 2: Steve, Clint, Phil, and Sam. Because those are who i currently feel like giving a fuck about. Car 1 starts with a disadvantage because 5 people in one car always sucks but like, ride or die bitchesSo I'm sort of imagining this as BlackPepper combining their friendgroups in a fucking into the fire way like sink or swim love each other or else. Because it's that or awkward lunches for six months and they clearly don't have the time for that. I assume there is plotting going on because we all know it plotting redheads, but they probably lost control of the situation at one point because roadtripLike I'm imagining a college au so get in that mindset. I feel like Pepper immediately put her foot down about Tony, who's the only teenager there even though he acts like an old man. Pepper is just like okay Tony HAS to be with me or Rhodey at all times or I'll fuck everyone up Nat i stg i will kill your friends to death if they look strongly at my precious baby and Nat looks a this stubborn little asshole who is at once fearless and terrified and she's like, fair enoughBut Bucky, right? I know I'm a Tony fangirl but I'm not forgetting about Bucky. Cause Bucky went into the army at 18 and he came back three years later a different person. Steve didn't go with because a) he's a twiggy artist and b) Sarah would have murdered him after she destroyed the entire us military tbh. Bucky's a freshman, the only one in the group even though he's older than most of them. He's been back for like 6 months now and probably shouldn't even be dealing with college life but he's Bucky and lbr he's not gonna cut himself any slack. But by golly his friends love him and will absolutely fight everyone for him, even himself. So while Pepper's like "protect my son" Nat is like okay let's try to make sure Bucky's with Steve because they're kinda codependent but we're letting that happen for now because we have bigger fish to fry, but on the dl because currently Bucky won't admit to any issues under penalty of death.So day of the roadtrip. I dunno where they're going probably tourist shit they're just like get in the car we'll head for such and such and go from there. My only frame of reference here is Florida so I'm picturing them having to drive at least five hours before they have any reason to stop.Oh! Yes so first stop is gonna be a spring or river or some sort of water shitSoGetting ready to go is Hell they have to fit enough shit for nine people into two regular sized trunks. So they've gotta clean literally everything but the spare tire outta those("Fuck it, leave the tire," Clint suggests. He's packed all of a backpack and, incomprehensibly, his bow with three arrows and he's absolutely going to reek in about two days and probably didn't bring any shampoo or a toothbrush. It's probably like, a t-shirt, some boxers, and swim trunks. He'll wear the same shorts for a month he doesn't care. "If we get stuck on the side of tree road, I'll feed you to buzzards for sport," Pepper says pleasantly. She knows him a little better than most of Nat's friends because her and Clint half live together. They get along fine but Pepper progressed to threats much quicker than Clint is comfortable with. He thought about telling her it was hot but decided he liked his balls intact. "Just shove over the duffle," Bucky said. Tony's being quiet but he's got a toolkit packed in case anything goes wrong; there'll be no stuck-on-the-roadside on his watch. )So they get the trunks sorted and there's a couple bags in the backseats but it's good enough. Then Phil shows up (when did he leave???) and stuffs some blankets and pillows into both cars. "My family likes roadtrips," he says. His eyes are dead. Phil is not including himself in his family here. Phil tried to beg off but Pepper couldn't get Happy and Nat couldn't get Scott etc etc for various missing people and Phil agrees to come because, ultimately, these socially-challenged morons need a voice of reason and that's not Pepper or Nat OR Sam, no matter what they think(The truth is they're all reckless idiots and Phil's no exception but combined they can keep each other safe-ish or at least get in trouble together)((Tony didn't want to come either but more because he doesn't want to get underfoot. But Rhodey and Pepper made the mistake of trusting his "I'm fine" and leaving him alone for a few weeks at school exactly once. Pepper had hugged him and said "Pretty please?" and Tony's no good at turning down requests, especially from his few, beloved friends))(((Nat took a different approach with Bucky, who didn't want to come either. "If you don't come Steve won't come and then you'll have to say at Steve and Sam's wedding that it was delayed all because you skipped out on the best roadtrip ever.""It is going to be awful," Bucky said. Nat gave a particularly Russian shrug. Bucky sighed and gave in. He didn't exactly wanna spend a week in the dorms alone anyway.)))And then they really just wanna get going what the fuck guys it's already evening should we just wait til morning no fucking way shut your mouth we're going n o wPepper and Nat manage to be together, and they manage to pay Tony and Bucky special attention, as intended. But uh. Oops?It's Rhodey driving with Pepperi the passenger seat, mostly out of habit; they've done short road trips a lot at this point and it's always Rhodey driving to start, Pepper up front so Tony can nap in the backBut uhTony's in the middle in the back, with a pillow and a tablet in his lap. He's putting on a good show of being Totally Fine, but he's clearly tense. Bucky's smooshed against the door as much ash can, broadcasting discomfort like a cat in the rain. Nat leans against the door too, trying to be considerate, but Pepper starts texting her urgently( TOUCH HIM!!!!!hes so tense wtfNat I love you trust me and touch him a littleAnd Nat shifts over just a bit, so her legs are against Tony's, and for a second he freezes, and then he finally loses some of that tensionTOUCH STARVED?????? Nat texts Pepper, alarmed for this kid.His dad sucks, is Pepper's take, and Nat scowls and gets comfortable, pointedly touching Tony without pushing into his space.)MEANWHILE Phil is the odd man out but he's driving so it kinda works. Clint's in the passenger seat because Clint is a no good dirty cheater, and also has very stern, specific instructions from Nat. Steve and Sam are the most comfortable of the entire group, and within an hour they've got their feet a little tangled, not cuddling but not-not cuddling, and Steve's dosing a little cause he took a motion sickness thing and it always makes him a little sleepy"So Pepper seems terrifying," Clint says to Phil as an opener. They probably should've hung out at least a little before this because Pepper and Nat are the only things he can think of to talk about (and maybe it's not helping that Phil is weirdly hot and serious and he's seen him smile a couple times and he's trying to figure out how to see it up close but it turns out it's not hard cause right away Phil grins and chuckles a little and Clint thinks he's maybe having a heart attack)"So does Natasha. Or is it just Nat?""Sometimes it's Natalia," Clint says automatically, which isn't very helpful. "Uh. What are you studying?" Which is stupid and cliche but Phil manages to turn it into an actual conversation and in the backseat Sam's texting the whole thing to Bucky, who keeps sending back strings of emojis that aren't always sensible but like, Sam totally gets it. And then Sam gets a text of the top of a head of messy dark brown curls and a string of panicking emojis. There's a suspicious blushing emoji in there though and Sam snickers to himself. Steve wakes up with a little "hm?" which is too cute for words so Sam just passes him the phoneTony started off working on his tablet but he hasn't slept in...a while and he's been stressing about this but now he's in Rhodey's familiar car and Pepper's got classic rock going kinda quiet and Nat snuck her toes under his leg and he fights it for a while, but eventually he slumps over, and he doesn't even notice himself sliding towards the warmth that smells like machine oil and leather. Tony looks small and sweet and quiet and Bucky likes to watch him sometimes, when he can, even though he feels like a creep. It's just that Tony seems so alive in a way that Bucky can't really capture. Like he's so tired but so full of life and fire and maybe that's optimism he's not sure but he thinks it might be. Everyone always seems tired on campus, or young and stupid, or just so unrelatable. And it's not that he can relate to Tony so much as he wishes he could. Like watching the moon in the surface of a lake and being afraid of the ripples. Bucky slowly relaxes, lulled into it by Tony's quiet breathing, and Nat gives him a very obvious thumbs up, with a certain look in her eyes, and he catches Rhodey's eye in the rearview mirror, so he slides down a little, slowand quiet, tucks an arm around Tony and lets himself relax, puts down three phone and stares out the windowThey stop at an all-night walmart when Clint suddenly realizes they don't have SUPPLIESWATER SUPPLIES!!!Bucky and Tony go in, with Clint and Phil, to get Supplies, while everyone else stretches their legs or texts demands for snacks.They grab a bunch of stuff, everything that looks even mildly amusing, Tony sleep-fuzzy and relaxed from it, and in line him and Clint attack each other with pool noodles, earning a few glares from other shoppers, but they're laughing too!much to care. There's not really room in the cars for everything but they make it work and they're all wide awake then, everyone chattering for the last two hours before they realize they should've arrived by now and then Rhodey stops (he was the one leading) and there's dogs barking and they're in a trailer park andPhil calls him just to ask, "What the fuck Rhodes."They all get out their phones and they're yelling directions at Rhodey and they're lucky he loves them because seriously they deserve death at this point. They pull up to the park at 5am when they should've been there at, oh, 1 or so no one's sure how they got so turned around but they made it yaaayAnd then "Fuck," Pepper says. "Tents."And that's where I'm leaving this for now cause I'm tired of typing on mobile but tbh i wanna write a college roadtrip now. I'm just imagining a lot of cuddles at this point everyone gets maximum hugs plz. Also i can't tag this??? So thanks mobile

[angrypedestrian]

THE TIME IDIOTS EPISODE 315 TITLED “Literally the only way this could have been gayer is if they set it in the middle of the fucking Stonewall Riots” MY THOUGHTS:

I say this episode was so gay out of love. Because having feelings is fucking gay and love is gay and EVERYTHING IN THIS EPISODE WAS GAY. EVEN THE HETEROSEXUALITY.

ALL MY DISASTER QUEERS IN THEIR PILE TRAVELIN THROUGH SPACE AND TIME IN THEIR LITTLE DISASTER SHIP 

Y’all don’t have the budget for a fog machine

But y’know, I’m glad this show’s been playing with a lot of horror tropes for a the back half of the season. I love cheap ass horror

Awww Ava you are trying so hard to be An Adult about this

Failing, but we can see you’re trying

Gideon loves cockblocking more than anything in the world

“Mrs. Captain” lol

But does Mick sleep with the gloves on

I WANNA WATCH THAT EP OF ANTIQUES ROADSHOW

i love antiques roadshow more than anything, more than this show, more than my life

Also Amaya and Zari y’all are gaaayyyyyy with yr fist bump

I hate when shows give characters tinnitus, because a lot of time time it’s the same frequency as my tinnitus and that is confusing for me!

Wear earplugs kids! 

The Black Canary outfit just reminded me how much better Caity’s eyebrows are now

Turns out death does wonders for eyebrows!

DA VINCI IN DRAG 

THIS EP IS GAYER AND GAYER AT EVERY TURN

That wink i stg. Also, Amaya. That is a knife. Just a knife. 

But finally, someone who can wink on this show

Everyone has made all the good jokes already but Death Witch Sara seriously looks like a 12 year-olds deviantart OC

The CW only has one white ladies wig and all the shows have to share it so I’m sure it was a rough time when iZombie and The Flash and LoT were all filming at the same time

Sorry guys Liv’s going to have to eat some goth’s brain and die her hair black cause we don’t get the wig this week 

Whoops the Shadow Realm lost its set decoration budget again

Don’t even get the one sad tree

Ava making Rory move oh my fucking god

What a power lesbian

this is a woman who wrote college essays on Bette Porter i can tell you that right now

Nate yr gay for everyone jesus christ

John will take you up on that offer

Awww my poor boy Wally

I love u buddy

Thank u LoT writers for treating him good even if it is sad!

This Mallus voice, it’s fuckin killing me

Phil, is that you??? What free phone app are you recording this in?

I LOVE ONE (1) GARY

I also love that Ava is so protective of him even though she is constantly annoyed by him

My favorite trope is a character exasperated by nonsense and Ava you picked the wrong line of work, girl

Please give me a spin off series featuring John, Ava, and Gary PLEASE

I’m assuming Matt is gonna become a regular because Arthur has finally given up on trying to make this show work with his schedule, which is a shame, because i am not out of Rip feelings!

I also love one (1) John

I’ve been reading through Hellblazer and John is such a fucking mess I can’t help but love him and his ass tattoo

This version of John is fucking fantastic and just such a good fit for the show

ZARI NO how dare u make her cry u ASSHOLES

but FUCK YEAH use that totem

I think I’ve figured it out

This show just spends its whole budget on cool leather jackets

Which: a valid choice!

What is even the point of living in a capitalist hellscape if I can’t buy me a real pair of Beebo socks???? HMMMMM???

 I would literally pay upwards of $20 for a pair of Beebo socks MAKE IT FUCKIN HAPPEN THE CW 

maybe then you’d be able to afford some better goddamn props instead of whatever was on clearance at the dollar store

The FOOT

WE ALL CARE ABOUT BEEBO, AVA

Gary and Ava’s relationship is so strange but exhibits such queer solidarity

Also this show def forgot that they heavily implied Sara slept with Gary to get his security badge

BUT I DON’T CARE IT’S CANON IN MY HEART

I don’t know or care anything about dnd but this sequence is DELIGHTFUL

Nate is the gayest man alive, which is why his heterosexual actions are also gay

he is also a RIGHTEOUS and GOOD WARRIOR and a GOOD MAN

I like that even in times of great stress, Amaya will still say the full three syllables of Nate’s name even though they literally have zero time for that shit

That is dedication to an aesthetic 

“That’s not funny I love cats”

Zari.

ZARI.

gay

Oh no this Hank sequence is 2 real and giving me too many trans feelings

Amaya telling Mick he is a hero and a good man?

Kill me why don’t you

Ah yes, the return of my best friend, awkward wire work!

Some of the camera shot decisions this episode have been...strange

God i fuckin love sara so much

Lots of people have already said lots of very smart and good things about sara’s journey on this show, so I don’t have anything to add except that the amount of nuance they have given her (and really all the characters on this show) for a dumb time travel superhero show is kinda really astonishing

John’s gonna fuck rory too

He’s gonna fuck everyone on the ship that will have him

I am very excited to have Sara dealing with John’s nonsense on a regular basis

Zari and Wally: confirmed bros

Listen: True equality is two lady queers having a het romance plot line where one of them is *~broken~* and they break up for no reason only to comE BACK TOGETHER AGAIN (but with more clone robots. that’s what makes it gay) 

This is not a complaint, for the record, i am a simple and weak man and sometimes just want unnecessary angst before ultimate declarations of love alright

Gary is such a gift what did I do to deserve him

NEXT WEEK: Turns out Tatiana Maslany was playing Jes Macallan all along! 

[pinksweatergettingbetter]

“at least the jury is still out on that one, so to speak”

so to speak is right, phoenix :T

-

“I WANTED TO KILL YOU. WAAHHHH”

ok rayfa. easy there.

-

aw. the dad is so strong that he cant even bear to see the murder brat sad. 

hdgdhfgh im gonna die he’s trying to cheer her up by acting like the bad guy

at the risk of sounding tumblry, phoenix wright is a cinnamon roll, to pure or whatever 

-

...is this kooraheen’s ‘happy people’?

.....i don't like it

-

ahlbi doesn’t get to be an assistant but he does get to carry all my unwanted crap!

-

“first the high priest, and then his disciple! maya fey will pay for this!”

ah yes, she’ll pay for killing off people we recently proved to be dangerous insurgents. 

-

WHOA OK GRAPHIC 

-

well ok there’s no possible way Maya could have killed him that night.

“they think she came down the stairs and stabbed him” yes in front of 200 praying people. no, they weren't looking up but probably the sound of a knife being driven into flesh and also footsteps may have alerted them???

-

rayfa wants to know how a time of death is determined, not for real... but because she wants to know what the idiot groundlings believe ?

either she’s an idiot and she doesn’t realize its completely legitimate, or the writers are still trying to make fun of religion via the “science and religion don't mix” joke which quite frankly is getting REALLY TIRESOME

-

ok... well I'm not scientific expert but doesn’t the body eventually reach a steady temperature? how could you determine how long the body took to cool down if it was cooled down for a long enough period of time? also, it was really cold on that mountain. 

something tells me this will be useful later.

-

again capcom, pointing out how unlikely your plot is doesnt make it better. it makes it worse.

-

“I will curse you and your disciples for eight generations!”

I'm pretty sure apollo and the series has already been cursed, mrs. inmee.

-

every time she kisses his picture i cry 

-

Zehlot arrived at the same time as Maya, but Mrs. Inmee is more inclined to believe that Maya is a murderer? I mean yes she supposedly killed off the other two, but jeez. Talk about favouritism. 

-

they let us check out the trash again... simply for a joke about phoenix digging through trash. I'm not sure how to feel about this.

-

katchu-dehmal, eh? Pokémon gonna sue 

-

hey um mrs. inmee

you've got a little something on your wrist...............

-

“Puhray always prayed a lot”

the terrible naming convention just makes that sound incredibly stupid

-

“She may say these terrible things, but it was just the way she was raised, I guess”

um... a lesson in tolerance i guess

-

“I didn’t know him very well”

you didnt know the guy you stayed with for two years?? man i guess Puhray really did pray the most.

-

i love that theyre mentioning ramen and burgers

and also that phoenix is offering to buy for maya

its the little things that make this game liveable 

-

everybody loves steel samurai!!!

-

“Whooops... its coming undone... WHOA!”

yes, it is indeed a very sexy picture. nice legs.

-

“tentacled hag frog”

what is this, last airbender??

-

“a spirit’s memory is cut off at the moment of death”

well of course. that’s how Mia was able to come to court knowing what was going on and being able to set phoenix on the right direction!

genius retcon there, guys. I guess that’s why Mia doesn’t make a comeback in this game :/

-

“helped neighbouring countries seek counsel”

actually thats an interesting callback to the original games where they state that before DL-6, Misty and Kurain village were famous for helping out people in high places. this i do not mind so much.

... though i doubt this would prevent you being invaded, Kooraheen. Also considering she mentions ‘keeping their unique culture’ as an aside to that fact, and the fact that a lot of this fictional country is based off of Tibet... Ouch.

-

“ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS!!!”

hey, there’s that ol’ Khumerican spirit!

-

“so the queen can perform the dance of devotion? that’d be a sight to see”

Phoenix stop imaging the queen in a mini skirt.

-

“theres no reason to panic, the police are on his trail”

the police that let him run on foot out of a crowded courtroom. 

id say you can panic now.

-

in exchange for his visual youthfulness, phoenix has physically aged considerably.

meanwhile, Gregory Edgeworth was rocking major wrinkles at 35 and he was fit as a fiddle.

Oh Capcom, when will your beauty-based cruelty end??

-

are we legit going to search for Datz

-

ok now i rly wanna hear what a Warb’aad sounds like.

-

further proof that phoenix is a huge carnivore. i am pleased.

-

boy kooraheen isn't very accessible is it. stairs everywhere

-

i love that no matter where he is, phoenix is always buying food for children.

-

alright enough fun stuff. into the absurdly spacious sewer we go!

-

I'm legitimately laughing my ass off why is it so funny that Ahlbi didn’t know his dog could track scents????

-

AAA WE’RE IN

WE’RE IN A FUCKIN SEWER

IM YELLIN

-

...oh my god no... i stg... dont you dare 

OH GOD 

OHHH GOD 

fuck....

i dont know who’s stupider: the rebels or the police

-

he... can eat... an entire apple... that is half the size of his face... in one bite.

this, truly, is a man to be feared

ranger hobo, your new nickname is Potential Vore Machine

-

>phoenix likes apples

further proof he is a good boy

-

wow thats even worse

i thought they’d just put their base in the sewers, but no; their base is an OLD LAW OFFICE AKA THE FIRST PLACE YOU’D LOOK FOR LAWYER REBELS

again, not sure who’s stupider: the rebels, or the police?

-

“public enemy #1 is a lawyer? didnt see that coming”

clearly you expect more from this game, phoenix

-

“Im gonna sell out my best friend!”

>doubt

-

OH OK NEVER LOOK SURPRISED AGAIN CLOSE YOUR VORE MOUTH JESUS CHRIST

-

if he wasnt a rebel anymore he'd have kicked your ass since youre a lawyer, phoenix. its not that hard to put together that he’s lying. ...for some reason. 

-

LAME. YOU cant show him your badge??? bullshit.

-

fucking christ even when he whistles his mouth is larger than it should be. 

-

he really is rebel!larry isn’t he

-

so Dhurke has a power glare, huh? 

GLARE OFF WITH EDGEWORTH, GLARE OFF WITH EDGEWORTH, GLARE OFF WITH EDGEWORTH

-

“is this a law book? the dragon’s mark has been branded onto the cover...”

pfffttt edgy 

-

hmm. must be a new law-book if the defence culpability act is in it, since if i remember correctly that law was only recently introduced.

-

i love that Dhurke’s shit is just everywhere in this stupid house

-

...no way is he actually doing to

i...

like

i can’t even say punk’d. Phoenix, why would you try on a jacket that once belonged to a rebel leader while inside a rebel base that you’re not even sure is friendly to you? 

like i 

sense of preservation just goes out the window at the idea of looking cool?? actually to be fair that kind of makes sense for Phoenix so 

phoenix you should take it home and get it dry-cleaned.

-

“hmm this is an old photo...” says phoenix looking at a photo that’s as bright and shiny as the day it was taken. also he correctly guesses that it was taken 20 years ago based on... what evidence??

actually if he actually acknowledged that thats OBVIOUSLY APOLLO THERE then he’d have an actual metric to go by but NOPE! just bullshit magic deductions!

-

yeah or Nahyuta’s pulling a long game and you assholes are too impatient 

i cant believe I'm defending sadmad :/

-

WAIT A SECOND. ARE YOU TELLING ME....... THAT KID WHO LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE APOLLO....... IS APOLLO?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?

-

somehow Datz carried Phoenix through a tiny trapdoor and into this room huh

-

yay psyche locks!

-

YES!!!! YEEEEES!!! I GOT TO PRESENT MY BADGE

Soj... you may not be... completely horrible.

-

yeah phoenix, he was going to stab you if he thought you were on the side of the Queen

feel even stupider about that jacket now?

-

“Keera was working with the government the whole time?!”

well i mean what other motivation would they have? even if they were doing it for religious reasons that still lines up with the government’s intentions. 

this whole thing has a blacklisting smell on it too.

-

“a lawyer killed the queen, so the public turned against lawyers”

if that was how things worked, America would loath actors. 

-

“why does he have to jump like that before running off”

cause he’s a cartoon character 

-

“Well I guess we’re friends now”

oh phoenix 

my lonely baby

-

also where the fuck is Shah’do? That dog is a better policeman than every official in Kooraheen.

and i love that nobody notices people entering and exiting a sewer in broad daylight.  

-

well that was exactly where i thought it was

-

WOW GOOD GOING PHOENIX YOU DUMBFUCK

“HURRRHH I THINK ILL GO FIDN TH  SOOPER SECRET REBEL BASE WITH THE FUCKING PRINCESS IN-TOW. GENIUS!!!!”

OH YES, AND THEN TELL HER EXACTLY WHAT IT IS. AND THEN LET HER COME INSIDE WITH YOU WITHOUT THE INTENT TO SHUT HER UP

BRILLIANT!!

PHOENIX WRIGHT, TRULY THE REBEL’S GREATEST ALLY.

-

ohhhhHHHHHhhhh

well well well well well well

this is interesting

-

“I think I’ll take a picture of this super secret rebel base”

hhhnnngghhhh

-

search every nook and cranny eh

-

“if the rebellion ever happens, i hope its bloodless”

while that’s sweet of you phoenix, you can count on it now, sincE YOU’VE REVEALED THE SOURCE OF THEIR WEAPONRY TO THE ENEMY

-

“What’s this? A bloodstain?”

Hope it is not Chris’ bloodstain...

-

CURSED NOISE

CURSED NOISE

TURN IT OFF!!!

-

this is where capcom hides characters they don’t like

Klavier is somehwere in this room....... festering

-

well we’ve come to the end of another investigation 

tbh I'm starting to get into the storyline, though it still doesn’t feel like an Ace Attorney game

it’s more like... it’s like someone took their Ace Attorney AU and made an entire game about it. It’s got some cool points to it, but all in all, it just doesn’t... fit, I guess?

Oh well. onto trial #2 and saving Maya’s butt once again

[pentomic]

ambush

The convoy comes to a sudden halt.

Inside the Sdkfz, none of us can see anything. Gruber cracks a Pervitin capsule between his teeth, grins. Scharführer Heinrichs snaps his head up like a bulldog, glances around. 

This is it.

I look down to where the StG 60 sits heavy in my hands. Twist around, pack scraping against the hull, to where the firing ports are, push the flap aside and peer out. Same as ever, another smashed East Colony street. They built these by the thousands after the Civilization War, ready for settlers from the Vaterland to fill. 

Looking around at the deliberately laid out street, the houses and shops in the classical Germanic style, it is hard-- it is always hard-- for me to truly believe it all went to shit so fast. My sister went to the East, after her husband’s KZ service qualified them for farmland and “native labourers”. Their settlement burned three months ago. SD statement said the entire population of the town had been herded into the Worship Centre and burned alive. 

Animals. Rats. Monsters.

Heinrichs takes a deep breath, wipes his nose with the back of his hand.

“Hey!”

Up front, the assistant driver half-turns around. 

“What?”

“Why have we stopped?”

The assistant driver reaches for the radio handset, fiddles with it, speaks into it. His answer comes back in a burst of unintelligible static.

“Apparently the fucking Jew rat partisans have blocked the road.”

“Ah, fuck.” The noise explodes out of our burly sergeant. “OK, children, it’s time for us to do our jobs. We pull security while the Sturmpioniere clear the blockage-- and pray to Odin or Jesus or who-the-fuck-ever the ZOB doesn’t come down on our asses.”

I have heard stories of the Jew partisans. They are called the Jewish Fighting Organization, ZOB in Polish. They work closely with the Ukrainians and the Poles. All three groups have reputations for brutality. Often in training I had nightmares about them-- the Polack fat and stinking of drink, the Ukrainian with a long greasy topknot swinging into his face, and the Jew-- more terrible than all my most horrible dreams.

The rear door whines open. Gruber catches my eye and gives me an unfocussed Pervitin grin. Instinctively I reach for the plastic pill case that rides in my tunic pocket. Should I? Just one amphetamine pill would sweep my fears away in purest exultation. I notice my left hand is trembling. No, no Pervitin for now. Must wait-- must force myself to wait. Daylight pours through the rear of the Sdkfz. 

Heinrichs roars the command. 

“EVERYONE OUT!”

I pick up the StG, wrap my fingers around the plastic pistol grip. It feels good, it feels like death. They taught us this in training, all about the blind Baldr, slain by blind Hodr, and how we were Baldr and Hodr at once, beautiful and terrible, blind without our chain of command and deadly when properly directed. Sudden pride fills my body. I remember the films of the KZs, the great kremas, the experimental labs for the glory of the Reich. We are the industrial killing machine, the avatars of a new age. Is there anything that can truly stand against us?

Outside the Sdkfz, our boots crunch on the crushed pavement. We round the corner of the vehicle, smooth and slow. My knee hits the pavement, my rifle butt presses against my shoulder. I peer up at the hollow houses and burned-out shots from under my helmet. Petersen taps my shoulder and I stand, advancing while hugging the side of the Sdkfz. The vehicle commander stands up in the low turret, one hand on the MG42. Together we leapfrog up, our half-platoon spreading out across the convoy, guarding it from all harm.

In front of us, the other Sdkfzs are disgorging their contents, including the rest of our platoon. Untersturmführer Albrechts strides toward us, grinning. His helmet is off, and his cropped blond hair is blinding in the sunlight. Scharführer Heinrichs salutes and moves to the platoon commander, opening his mouth as if to say something.

Time slows then. The Untersturmführer gives a sort of horrid shudder as his head jerks to the side, a gout of pinkish red replacing the side of his face. Heinrichs hits the ground, his face a rictus of shock. 

This is when the machine guns open up.

They are hidden in the houses. They are hidden in the shops. They are hidden everywhere. Muzzle flashes sprout like flowers in my vision, even as the Untersturmführer’s blood soaks into the gravel.

The Sdkfz in front of me explodes. Heinrichs grabs my shoulder and yells something I cannot hear. Over my head, Petersen is firing wildly, his voice stretching out in one long wordless yell. My heart is pounding away over the hills, but I am suddenly deeply and astoundingly calm. 

The protocol is to move away from the vehicles, go to ground and request support. I line up my front sight with a muzzle flash and squeeze the trigger. The StG jumps in my hands, a reassuring feeling. I keep firing, in the requisite short bursts, as I back away from the Sdkfz. I can feel the rest of the half-platoon around me-- a well-oiled machine, powerful and right. I wonder if I have somehow ingested Pervitin without noticing. I am calm and focussed. 

Out of the corner of my eye, the streak-flash of a rocket. One of ours? Then the Sdkfz in front of me-- my Sdkfz, the one I rode in on-- explodes.

The shockwave hits like a hammer blow on my torso. I hurl backwards, and as I pry my eyes open, my face stings like a thousand shrapnel needles are piercing it. As I struggle to get up, I realize my rifle has been blown to god knows where. 

“Fucking hell.” I am so damned winded. The world spins briefly, and I close my eyes. When I reopen them, my nightmare of seven years is standing in front of me. I have seen his picture in the Museum to a Vanished Race, in Prague. I have seen his image in The Eternal Jew and its four sequels. I have seen his evil in my nightmares.

Around me, the Jew partisans stalk. They are picking among the smouldering remains of the convoy, their massive Jew noses twitching. They haul Heinrichs gasping to his feet, force a stunned Petersen up at the point of a pistol. Gruber is emitting gasping sobs, eyes darting every which way, hands bound. 

The Jew in front of me looks into my eyes. His own are large, brown, intelligent. I feel as if I am staring into the abyss of history. It is at this point that I realize I am crying. 

Strong hands grab my own, force them behind my back, tie them. I inhale a glob of dusty phlegm, nearly choke, and half-snarl, half-gurgle “Untermensch!” The Jew’s eyes widen, and then he laughs.

I take another deep breath and growl “Didn’t you hear me the first time, you piece of Jew dog fucking scum kike goddamn--” There is pity in the Jew’s eyes, and I suddenly realize what I must look like. My helmet has slipped over my eyes, my hands are bound behind my back, and I am gasping, sputtering these curses at this Jew, this piece of subhuman scum who has just destroyed my column, killed my officer, captured my comrades.

A tall man strides into my limited view, his dirty blue-and-yellow armband marking him as one of the feared Ukrainian partisan groups. He addresses the Jew who has been examining me, and the Jew answers back. They laugh.

The Ukrainian pulls a large knife out of his belt.

The Jew moves closer to me, takes my face in both of his hands. His voice is soft, almost tender. He speaks in German-- good German.

“Listen, little man. Here is what we are going to do. We are going to kill your comrades, one by one, and you will watch. We will make you watch. Then we are going to let you stumble and wander back to your nest, and you are going to tell your masters that the people of the forest have spoken, and they have said that you can kill us, you can haul us from our homes and slaughter us, gas us, burn us, grind us into ash, and it will be as if you have not killed a single one of us. We will always return, and everything you have built we will destroy. That is our solemn promise.”

I realize it then. We have been played for fools. We have been sold a bill of the cheapest possible goods. In his hubris, his ultimate power-mad insanity, our divinely chosen leader decided to try and exterminate the only people this world has ever produced that no one can ever exterminate. The true Judaism. It is not physical. It travels with the air, infecting and changing those it touches. How many times have the Vopo busted down the doors of a good German household to find its members puzzling over an ancient edition of Tales of the Hassidim, or a Hebrew Bible, or-- horror of horrors-- a new-printed Talmud? None of them can explain the hold Judaism has over them. Every week there are more.

How many empires, how many nations have tried? How many have crumbled to dust, leaving only the Jews? One might as well try to kill the Sun. I know it then, I see it then, I feel the flames and hear the laughter, it is the great dome at Germania, burning! It is burning! The massive concrete edifice, the Arno Breker sculptures-- burning! And in its place, a synagogue. The largest synagogue ever, filled with millions of Jews, singing, laughing, praying, learning, on the ashes of the greatest and most terrible empire the world has ever seen! 

And when you are faced with a revelation like this, what else is there to do but laugh?