#Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy

[queerographies]

Esplora la non monogamia etica con "Polisicure" di Jessica Fern. Scopri come creare relazioni sicure, basate sulla fiducia e sulla comprensione, al di fuori dei modelli tradizionali. Una guida essenziale per approfondire l'attaccamento e il trauma nelle relazioni non monogame.

[pocket-poly]

Two years down, many more to go. And I so excited for it. What a tremendous impact you've made on my life. And the ripples those impacts continue to make. The amount of synchronicity involved in the universe allowing us to be together is not, for one second lost on me. I feel so incredibly lucky to have you in my life. To be loved by you, and to share my life with you in all the ways I can.

Thank you. For loving me. In all the ways you do. With such patience, care, transparency, thoughtfulness, and consistency! You are magic to me in so many ways! I love you redgrasshopper!

Happy 2 Years, my love! I am so looking forward to celebrating with you next weekend.

[jewish-sideblog]

You made a post days ago that, though it wasn't the main point of it, said that radical leftist theory talks about monogamic relationships being acceptable codependence. Could you give me any place where to start so I could read more about it? Thank you in advance

Yeah, of course! I was reading Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma, and Consensual Nonmonogamy by Jessica Fern. There are probably better sources if you just want to read theory on specifically codependent nonmonogamy, but I'll throw some quotes under the Read More for ya. If anybody has any other sources on the topic, please post them! I'm always on the lookout for more CNM / polyamory theory and research.

Moors, Conley, Edelstein and Chopik state that "attachment theory assumes that healthy, satisfying relationships are, by definition, dyadic." Authors on attachment theory will assert that being pair-bonded is the prototype for attachment in adulthood, that couples need to create a couple bubble around them in order to ensure security, and that your partner needs to be the one, single or main person that you emotionally depend on. I question if these criteria are even healthy from a monogamous standpoint (a considerable amount of the mono-romantic ideal can be codependency in disguise), but at the very least we can see how these ideas and assumptions within the field of attachment are excluding people in Consensually Nonmonogamous dynamics. (Part Two, Chapter 5, pages 117-118)

[One of the challenges with transitioning from monogamy to Consensual Nonmonogamy is that] couples never decoupled or went through healthy differentiation before they transitioned. Much of the mono-romantic ideal encourages forms of codependency, which can remain invisible and even functional for people before they open up. It is commonly believed and culturally reinforced that your partner completes you, that your identity should be fused with your partner or your relationship, and that your partner is the main source of meaning, love, and happiness in your life. True intimacy does not come from enmeshment, but from two differentiated individuals sharing themselves with each other. (Part Two, Chapter 6, page 133)

[t4t4t]

Link to a free copy of Polysecure, "a theoretical treatise and a practical guide," on how you can apply "attachment theory" to polyamorous relationships, but it has advice for every relationship, even to yourself.

[uncloseted]

I think this is a really stupid opinion for obvious reasons but I’d like to hear your think piece about people (mostly men) who genuinely believe that men are wired to cheat because of reproductive purposes

So I think the first thing here is that the concept of infidelity is literally man-made. Some animals mate for life and others don't, but the animals that don't aren't "cheating", right? "Cheating" is when there is a conscious violation of rules around an expectation of monogamy- it's when someone expects that their partner won't sleep with anyone else and then they do. If men were naturally inclined to be non-monogamous, it seems strange that they would consistently set up their societies to prevent everyone from acting on that impulse, right?

And along that same train of thought, having non-monogamous tendencies doesn't necessitate cheating. There are plenty of people who have the capacity to be non-monogamous but are in monogamous relationships- a 2016 study found that over 21% of Americans engaged in consensual non-monogamy at "some point in their lifetime," but per Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy, as of September 2020, only about 4% of Americans are "practising a non-monogamous style of relationship". That means that a lot of people who have been non-monogamous in the past have entered into a monogamous relationship- out of convenience, for the comfort of their partner, realizing it "wasn't for them", etc. I'm sure that there are some people who truly can't be happy in a monogamous relationship, but for the most part, I think non-monogamy is more of a spectrum than a rigid sexual orientation.

The other thing is, if that were the case, we would see way more men cheating than women, and that's not really what comes out in the data. 12% of men and 7% of women admit to having had an extramarital relationship- so more men than women are cheating, but not as many as you would expect if all men are biologically wired to cheat and all women aren't. Plus, this is the number of people who would admit that they had an affair- given that women are judged more harshly than men on that kind of behavior, it's possible that women are under-reporting their infidelity.

Another interesting thing I came across in my reading is that the only gene we currently know of that is correlated with increased infidelity- AVPR1A- only impacts women. And so what this debate comes down to for me is that it's totally speculative. We have no real scientific evidence that men are "biologically predisposed to be non-monogamous", and we have even less scientific evidence that men are "biologically predisposed to violate the social contract that they made with their romantic partner because they just could not control themselves." It's just a dumb argument that shitty men use to justify their bad behavior.

[destructivedistractions]

Jessica Fern, Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy

[protected-and-loved-by-castiel]

Here are some of the people and works that have helped me more than polyvagal theory, research studies, and medical journals ever could:

The Body is Not An Apology by Sonya Renee Taylor

The Politics of Trauma by Staci K. Haines

Pleasure Activism, the Politics of Feeling Good by Adrienne Marrie Brown

Care Work: Dreaming Disability Justice by Leah Lakshmi Piepzna-Samarasinha

Neuroqueer Heresies by Nick Walker

Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy by Jessica Fern

No Bad Parts: Healing Trauma and Restoring Wholeness with Internal Family Systems by Richard C Schwartz

Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker

Mona DeLaHook - Beyond Behaviors, Brain Body Parenting

Deb Dana - Rhythm of Regulation

Dee Wagner - Chi for Two

Podcast: Stuck Not Broken

Luna Dietrich - Somatic, witchy business support

Rachel Rae Halder - Somatic trauma resolution guide

Social media:

Essays and zines by Clementine Morrigan on relationships, trauma, and sexual violence

Podcast & IG videos by Ryann Prentice, anti-diet culture binge-eating therapist

Writing by Neurodivergent Rebel, Autistic Activist

Writing by Kassiane Asasumasu

Writing Kristy Forbes - In Tune Pathways, PDA Autistic Educator

Writing by The OccuPlaytional Therapist

Writing by Mama Manon, Mind-body healing therapist

On my to-read soon list –

My Grandmother’s Hands: Racialized Trauma and the Mending of Our Bodies and Hearts

Searching for a Rose Garden: Challenging Psychiatry, Fostering Mad Studies

What My Bones Know: A Memoir of Healing Complex Trauma

The Electricity of Every Living Thing (a late diagnosis memoir)

.

.

.

.

Here are ways to learn with me!

🦎Free infographic sets at linktr.ee/TraumaGeek

🐢Blog posts & essays at TraumaGeek.com/blog

🐙The 4th and last 8-week Neurodiversity & Trauma study group is enrolling now for April 29. Lesson topics: A Paradigm Shift, Neurodivergent Nervous Systems, Mechanisms of Trauma, Sensory Trauma, Burnout and Other ND Trauma Responses, Dynamic Disability and Systemic Trauma, Individual Healing, Collective Healing.

Details here: https://traumageek.thinkific.com/courses/spring-virtual-study-group-neurodiversity-trauma

⚡️50 Vagus Exercises in a Year is a year-long course that includes a monthly vagus exercise class, a monthly Q&A, and my serialized eBook. The Nervous System Study Guide is being distributed one chapter at a time to participants of this year-long adventure. We started in February, and you can catch up with recordings!

Details here: https://traumageek.thinkific.com/courses/50-vagus-exercises-in-a-year

[anarkittyuwuuniverse]

"People practicing CNM [consensual non-monogamy] typically embrace the following ideas and principles: love is not possessive or a finite resource; it is normal to be attracted to more than one person at the same time; there are multiple ways to practice love, sexual and intimate relationships; and jealousy is not something to be avoided or feared, but something that can be informative and worked through. Mystic Life, author of Spiritual Polyamory states, "This path requires owning jealousy as it arises, accepting others as they are, developing [one's] own sense of personal wholeness, and letting go of the belief that loving someone more means loving someone else less."" -Polysecure: Attachment Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy

[torchwoodfanfests]

▦ The 2022 Bingo Fest Masterpost ▦

Thank you to all those who participated in the 2022 Bingo Fest! We hope you had fun!

You can browse all the submissions for this fest under the cut, and check out the AO3 collection here!

If you’d like to give feedback on this or any past fests, or make a suggestion for the future, you can fill out our survey to let us know!

@beckettjay

FIC

Okay Seems So Distant

episode tag, epistolary

A Ptero-ble Surprise

pets, surprise

He Waits

waiting, red

Left Behind

bed sharing

@booleman

FIC

Black & Blue

Black and Blue

@celstese

ART

Miracle day

Miracle day

genderbend

genderbend

Prison/prison break

Prison/prison break

Waiting

Waiting

red

red

Ianto and Lisa pre series au

fluff, pets

body swap/shapeshifters

body swap/shapeshifters

Chocolate

Chocolate

outer space

outer space

bed sharing

bed sharing

weapon

weapon

FIC

untitled Jack and Clive meetings

conspiracy theorists

@glitch-in-space

EDIT

Moodboard for the prompts 'Sweet(/Sour)' and '(Summer/)Winter'

Sweet(/Sour), (Summer/)Winter

Moodboard for an AU in which Ianto Jones was recruited by UNIT instead of T1

UNIT

Moodboard for an imaginary fic entitled 'The Lost Art of Murder'

Dark

Moodboard for a dark au in which Ianto seduces Torchwood's leader

Inconvenient crush

Moodboard in which Owen and Tosh actually got to go on that date

First Date, Food

Moodboard of Ianto's canon depression and trauma

Mental Health

Moodboard for 4 of Jack's canon-confirmed kinks

Kinks

Moodboard for season 1 Jack pining after 'his' Doctor

Pining

Moodboard of Tommy

Tommy Brockless

Small moodboard for an AU in which Gwen goes missing after being Retconned

Missing, Canon Divergence

Moodboard for King of the Weevils Owen

Authority

Moodboard for an AU where everything's the same but Ianto's secretly a Siren

Water

Moodboard for an AU in which Ianto leaves little notes in his favourite books in his favourite bookshop

Meet Cute

A small janto moodboard for the 'Public Displays of Affection' square

Public Displays of Affection

Moodboard for janto having a movie date

Day Off Work

A Something Borrowed moodboard for the 'Pregnancy' square

Pregnancy

A Ianto Jones Countrycide whump moodboard

Injury

YTNW moodboard

Set between s1 and s2, DW companion cameo

An Adam Moodboard for Jack's past

Boeshane

@greendreamer

ART

Meeting your sister-in-law

Meet the Family

What if, instead of arriving in the Hub, Gray ended up in the middle of the chaos

Exit Wounds Fix it

FIC

An Injury to one is an Injury to all

coe fix-it au, the fairies

@horselover107

EDIT

Torchwood: the Year That Never Was

Year That Never Was, Chance Meetings, Betrayal

Dinner and a Show

Team Bonding, Big Finish

FIC

Case File 69

blue

Let me Keep You Warm

cold/warm, quarantine/virus

Malpractice

Rupesh Patanjali, “I can explain”, bullet wound

Tosh’s Adventures in Babysitting

deaging/aging up, oc

A Gift from Me to You

 gifts, resurrection gauntlet, fantasy

PLAYLIST

Dinner and a Show: A Fanmix

Under the Influence Square

@juette

FIC

Lifesigns

"i'm fine", trust/trust issues, episode tag/missing scene, angst

VIDEO

Like a Star

bar/karaoke

Doubt

nightmare, touch

heat waves

red

@meese-running-after-geese

EDIT

A moodboard off of the concept of “What if Adam won”

under the influence

Torchwood Phone Backgrounds

Big Finish Audios

FIC

Jokes and a Ring, or something like that...

gifts, clothes/outfit, polyam/consensual nonmonogamy, fantasy

Spilling the Beans

Andy Davidson

@melodyandpond

FIC

Cruising* all the way - Chapter 1

nosy coworkers

Cruising* all the way - Chapter 2

day off work

Fish and Kinks

food, kink discussion

@monstermince

FIC

Flower Power

Femslash, plants/vegetables, crossover (the Backyardigans).

you give cannibalism a bad name

John Hart, dead/death

@my-ghost-monument

EDIT

The Year That Never Was: When Martha met Ianto Jones

The Year That Never Was, chance meetings

Night Sky Camping 

camping

A Blast From The Future 

dopplegangers, betrayal

FIC

new experiences

I can explain!, exposed and fantasy

verdant

time loop, Myfanwy

@night-terrors-official

ART

Torchwood: Saint Lucia - the start of something new

domesticity

Sam Ryder trans moodboard

character(s) of your choice is trans

Finally Free

music/dancing

EDIT

Weretiger!Sam moodboard

werewolves/vampires

John Hart; Pansexual Villain moodboard

John Hart

@princess-of-the-worlds

FIC

where the hea(r)t is

interspecies romance, cold/warm, cultural differences, "clothes/outfit

the city on the edge of forever

healing

when does a monster become one

betrayal, immortality, secrets, exposed

the past forgotten

bullet wounds, coffee/coffee shop, mission-related trip, teenage years/ianto's criminal past, myfanwy/untitled the dog/steve the rat, big finish audio or tw novel tag or au

@sammys-magical-au

FIC

Someone to Watch Over Me

backstory, the fairies, the time agency, hurt/comfort

Caught in a Trap (I Won’t Walk Out)

anger, friendship

Captured in Stone

Suzie Costello, family

The Life of Sam

dead/death

They Do Tend to Come in Pairs

Martha Jones, alien tech/future tech

An Expected Encounter

crossover

Celebrated Guests of the Lietea

benign alien visitors

@secretartquotes

EDIT

Owen Harper Pink Moodboard

pink

Welcome to Hearthy

food, team tardis

An AU where Lisa works for UNIT instead of Torchwood One

different first meeting/meet cute, UNIT, public displays of affection, lisa hallet/katie russell/tommy brockless

The Long Awaited Comeback of Torchwood Four

Torchwood 2 / Torchwood 4, kidnapping, canon divergence

@shejustcalledmeafish

FIC

Scared of You

secrets, beach/mountains/outdoor activities

THB Drabbles

de-aging/aging up, coffee/coffee shop, bullet wounds, diary, clothes/outfit

La Mort L’aime

gifts

When Did Your Heart Go Missing

betrayal, cold/warm

@torchwood-99

VIDEO

Gwen & Rhys- Giants in the Sky

creatures and cryptids, space whale/janet the weevil, surprise, episode tag/missing scene, conspiracy theorists, compassion

No One Is Alone-Into the Woods

help/asking for help, angst, compassion

@toshsato

ART

Captain Jack Harkness the Crow Kidnaps Toshiko’s Sandwich

Kidnapping

EDIT

I don't want to put you through this. Last night, I dreamt that you left me.

Katie Russell

TORCHWOOD ONE, TWO, THREE, AND FOUR

Torchwood 2 / Torchwood 4

Torchwood: Adam

meet cute

TORCHWOOD: ADAM

boeshane

FIC

A Little Bit Torchwood

Dark, Green, Food, Summer, Canon-Divergence, Wedding

Bilis Manger, the Demon, and the River

Bilis Manger, Water

Horns and Horniness

first kiss/first date, public displays of affection, doctor's orders

Happy Birthday, Ianto Jones

cooking

The not so good trip to Sunnydale

kids

Please stay with me and don't you leave me alone

dw companion cameo, authority, sex talk

I don't wanna judge him but

truth pollen, "take me instead"

Forever is the Sweetest Con

pregnancy, mental health

@ultraviolet-eucatastrophe

FIC

Sweet and Sour

food, sweet/sour, pregnancy, canon divergence, hug

Keep my head under the waves

Boeshane, water

It could last a long time (it could even last forever)

fake dating/fake marriage, nosy coworkers

No time like the present

kids, public displays of affection, missing

@violetmessages​

ART

bedsharing 

bedsharing

Scandalous Victorian Gwen portrait

trapped together, memories

It takes a little convincing but soon Gwen is as ruthless as Suzie is

fluff, breaking the rules

weapons 

weapons

What happens when Jack gets wasted 

tattoo/memento, torchwood logo

AU where they don’t get Gwen out of the cyberconverter in time 

cybermen/daleks, episode tag/missing scene

AU where Rhys is a thief who runs into one of those castles with magical hair girls in them 

misunderstanding, rhys williams

Now that’s a woman who’s the center of the universe

outer space

The Rift can refuel the TARDIS

trying to change the timeline, everybody lives au, “i’m fine”

I’ve already been barred from about twenty pubs 

tarot girl/adam smith/mary

FIC

brand new eyes

yvonne hartman/detective swanson/agent johnson, compassion

[marsduality]

Tiktok by @decolonizinglove

Best Polyamory Resources

Primer Book: Designer Relationships: A Guide to Happy Monogamy, Positive Polyamory, and Optimistic Open Relationships [link]

Primer Book: Polyamory in the 21st Century: Love and Intimacy with Multiple Partners [link]

Gay Male: Open Love: The Complete Guide to Open Relationships, Polyamory, and More [link]

Lesbian: The Lesbian Polyamory Reader: Open Relationships, Non-Monogamy, and Casual Sex [link]

Science: Sex at Dawn: The Prehistoric Origins of Modern Sexuality [link]

Trauma-Informed: Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy [link]

Workbook: Jealousy Workbook: Exercises and Insights for Managing Open Relationships [link]

Comic: Kimchi Cuddles [link]

Podcast: Multiamory [link]

Critical Theorist: Kim Tallbear [link]

Tiktok/Instagram/Peer Support/Critical Theory: @DecolonizingLove [link]

Tiktok/Instagram/Facebook/Youtube/Twitter: @Polyphilia [link]

Tiktok/Podcast/Youtube/Instagram: @ThePolyCouple

Tiktok: @Middlypolywolf

Instagram: @Shrimpteeth

Facebook Community Support Group: Polyamory Discussion [link]

Facebook Community Support Group: Poly + Mono Relationships [link] (specifically for supporting those in a Poly+Mono relationship)

Reddit Community Support: r/polyamory [link]

[qutiepai]

thanks for the tag, @ghost-maya

list 10 songs you really like, each by a different artist, and then tag 10 people to do the same.

***

be okay - bo en

fighting to lose - powderpaint

shop song (episode 2) - theo krantz

new canaan - bill wurtz

tánc a hóban - ghymes

world's smallest violin - AJR

spring and the storm - tally hall

hora boierească - orchestra fraților advahov

sophie - the altogether

always - first of october

favorite color: pastel pink currently reading: polysecure: attachment, trauma and consensual nonmonogamy by jessica fern last song: dress down - kaoru makimoto last series: monsters at work (with begrudging curiosity) last movie: (some of) kiki's delivery service sweet, savory, or spicy: savory :)) currently working on: some music (fuckin' hopefully)

***

4 songs I‘ve been into recently:

slip - shubh saran

f it up - louis cole

attempt at emotion - theo krantz

hora de la naipu - orchestra lăutaru barbu

5 things I love talking about:

music (theory)

the shows which contain my blorbos

my partners <33

gender

politics

Post my lock screen, last song listened to, and last photo saved

***

use this picrew to make a muffin.

tagging @howljenky @slightlyunofficial @aki-ki-kira @trans-f4ggot @imstraightupchilling @poemmadeterre

[faggily]

10/31/22

fronted today while we were at our sociology research methods class. this body struggles to wake up at 9am. read a little more of "Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy" by jessica fern. thought a lot of one of our alters (/lover) when reading about the dismissive attachment style. poor K. (i wonder of i'd be accused for promoting the idea that polyamory is a western import? though there is much evidence that says otherwise.)

i appreciate my wives as always, but today i feel particularly connected to my girlfriend, E. it feels very very nice to connect to someone so amazing who is also versed in the arts as well. even if she is a little twisted. but i like my women that way.

[sidenote: we should probably organize/finish/share our actual system blog with all our intros.]

[chainmailpurse]

i’m reading a book about attachment , trauma & consensual nonmonogamy and it is so well written … kinda mind blowing actually .. mums lending it to me before she reads it and i’m gonna try and read it all in one day today … i see so much poly and nonmonogamous hate it’s wild but won’t let that stop me from learning and being curious i am so interested in all this n being queer i get confused about how to reconcile my sexuality when being in a singular relationship with a man / woman

[myrtlenealchristchurch]

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Download Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy - Jessica Fern

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Book Synopsis :

Polyamorous psychotherapist Jessica Fern extends attachment theory into the realm of consensual nonmonogamy. Using her nested model of attachment and trauma, she expands our understanding of how emotional experiences can influence our relationships. Then, she sets out six specific strategies to help you move toward secure attachments in your multiple relationships. Polysecure is both a theoretical treatise and a practical guide.