#Polysecure

[whirling-ghost]

I've been recommended Polysecure elsewhere and no one warned me that the opening pages of chapter one would kick me in the childhood trauma. yikes on a fucking bike. maybe it's just me, maybe I didn't look deep enough into it. but ouch

[navigatingenm]

Managing Jealousy in Polyamory: Strategies for Emotional Resilience

Jealousy in polyamory is a subject that never fully fades into the background, no matter how long you’ve been practicing non-monogamy. It’s one of those complex emotions that resurfaces in different forms, challenging us to understand and manage it with greater nuance each time. Even for those people who have been navigating polyamory for years, it’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking that we should have “overcome” jealousy by now. But the truth is, jealousy is not something to be vanquished—it’s something to be understood, dissected, and integrated into our emotional landscape in a way that serves our relationships rather than undermines them.

Understanding Jealousy: Differentiating the Tangle of Emotions

Jealousy isn’t a monolith; it’s a blend of several emotions, each with its own triggers and implications. To manage jealousy effectively, especially, it’s crucial to unpack these components and address them individually.

Insecurity and Envy: The Twin Pillars

Insecurity often springs from self-doubt, that gnawing feeling that you’re not enough for your partner. It’s the fear that someone else will offer what you cannot, which can be particularly pronounced in polyamory, where comparisons to a partner’s other relationships are almost inevitable. This isn’t just a theoretical concern; it’s an emotional reality that needs tending. Esther Perel’s work in Mating in Captivity touches on how these insecurities can be magnified in non-monogamous settings, where the very structure of relationships can seem to amplify feelings of inadequacy.

Envy, on the other hand, is more outwardly focused. It’s the desire for something someone else has—time, attention, or experiences with a partner that you wish were yours. Envy can be less about your own shortcomings and more about wanting to share in the joy you see your partner experiencing with someone else. Richard H. Smith, in his exploration of envy, notes that this emotion can actually be a catalyst for growth if we allow it to push us toward self-improvement rather than self-pity.

Fear of Loss vs. Fear of Missing Out

The fear of loss is a deeply rooted anxiety that your partner might leave you or that your connection with them might weaken because of their involvement with others. This is a common concern in hierarchical polyamory, where there’s often an established primary relationship that feels threatened by new connections. Sue Johnson’s Hold Me Tight is particularly insightful here, offering strategies to create secure attachments that can mitigate this fear.

On the flip side, there’s the fear of missing out—FOMO—the anxiety that you’re being left out of something important, that your partner is experiencing joy and connection that you’re excluded from. In the polyamory community, FOMO is often fueled by the visibility of other relationships on social media or at community events. Brigitte Vasallo’s work reminds us that FOMO is as much about perceived exclusion as it is about actual loss, and addressing it requires a shift in perspective.

Anger and Resentment: The Slow Burn

Anger in the context of jealousy often arises from a sense of unfairness or unmet expectations. It’s that sharp, immediate reaction to feeling disrespected or overlooked. Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication offers a way to channel this anger into productive conversations, turning a potential conflict into an opportunity for deeper understanding.

Resentment, though, is more insidious. It builds slowly over time, often from unresolved anger or repeated disappointments that have never been addressed. Perel, in The State of Affairs, explores how unspoken resentment can erode relationships, making it crucial to address these feelings before they become entrenched.

Strategies for Managing Jealousy

For those of us who’ve been practicing polyamory for a while, the challenge isn’t just recognizing these emotions—it’s knowing how to address them in a way that’s both effective and sustainable.

Reframing Insecurity

Self-compassion is an essential practice here. Kristin Neff’s research shows us that by treating ourselves with the same kindness we’d offer a friend, we can soften the edges of insecurity. This isn’t about coddling ourselves; it’s about creating a mental space where we can acknowledge our fears without letting them define us. Cognitive restructuring, another powerful tool, involves actively challenging the negative thoughts that feed our insecurity. It’s about recognizing when we’re telling ourselves a story that isn’t based on reality and choosing to rewrite that narrative.

Transforming Envy into Compersion

Envy doesn’t have to be a purely negative emotion. It can be a spark that leads us to explore new avenues of connection or personal growth. In polyamory, where compersion—taking joy in your partner’s happiness with others—is often held up as the ideal, it’s important to remember that this doesn’t come naturally to everyone. Jessica Fern’s Polysecure offers insights into how we can cultivate compersion through mindfulness and a conscious shift in focus, turning envy into a motivator for positive change.

Navigating Fear of Loss with Attachment Theory

Understanding your attachment style can be a game-changer in managing the fear of loss. Those with anxious attachment styles might find this fear particularly challenging, but by working to create secure attachments—through consistent communication, reassurance, and security rituals—we can create a relational foundation that feels less threatened by external connections.

Managing FOMO through Intentional Disconnection

Sometimes, the best way to manage FOMO is to step back. Reducing exposure to the aspects of your partner’s life that trigger these feelings can help maintain your emotional equilibrium. Kathy Labriola’s The Jealousy Workbook suggests that intentional disconnection—taking breaks from social media or setting boundaries around what is shared—can help keep FOMO in check.

Addressing Anger and Resentment

When anger arises, Nonviolent Communication offers a way to express these feelings without escalating the situation. It’s about finding the balance between honesty and empathy, making sure that your needs are heard while also being mindful of your partner’s feelings. But if resentment has already taken root, it’s crucial to address it head-on. Honest, open conversations about what’s been festering can clear the air and prevent further damage.

Talking with Your Partner(s) About Jealousy

Communicating about jealousy with your partner(s) is perhaps the most delicate part of managing it. It requires not just emotional honesty but also a shared commitment to understanding and supporting each other.

Setting the Stage for Productive Conversations

Timing is everything. Discussing jealousy when emotions are already high can be counterproductive, so it’s important to choose a moment when both you and your partner(s) are calm and open to conversation. Establishing a safe space for these discussions is also crucial. This means agreeing on ground rules, like not interrupting and avoiding blame, to ensure that everyone feels heard.

Communicating with Clarity and Compassion

Expressing vulnerability is key. Jealousy is often a mask for deeper fears and insecurities, and by sharing these underlying emotions, you can foster a greater sense of empathy and connection. Active listening is just as important as speaking—truly hearing your partner’s perspective can prevent misunderstandings and build mutual support.

Collaborative Problem-Solving

Addressing jealousy isn’t just about managing your own emotions; it’s about working together to find solutions that support the relationship as a whole. This might involve adjusting time spent together, setting new boundaries, or finding new ways to connect that reinforce the security of the relationship. Regular check-ins can also help keep jealousy from escalating, ensuring that you’re both on the same page.

Advanced Practices for Sustaining Emotional Health

Beyond the immediate strategies for managing jealousy, there are broader practices that can help sustain emotional health in polyamorous relationships.

Mindfulness and Emotional Regulation

Mindfulness can help you stay grounded and aware of your emotional state, reducing the impulse to react to jealousy in destructive ways. Kabat-Zinn’s Full Catastrophe Living highlights how mindfulness can enhance emotional regulation, allowing you to observe your feelings without becoming overwhelmed by them.

Building Emotional Resilience

Resilience is about more than just bouncing back—it’s about developing the emotional fortitude to navigate the inevitable ups and downs of polyamory. Seligman’s Flourish explores how resilience can be cultivated through practices like gratitude, optimism, and building a strong support network.

Continuous Learning and Self-Reflection

Staying engaged with polyamory literature and communities can provide new insights and strategies for managing jealousy. Books like The Ethical Slut and Polysecure offer valuable perspectives on maintaining emotional health in non-monogamous relationships. Regular self-reflection, whether through journaling, meditation, or discussion with trusted friends, can help you stay attuned to your emotional state and address jealousy before it escalates.

Conclusion: Embracing Complexity with Compassion

Jealousy in polyamory is a multifaceted emotion that requires a nuanced and thoughtful approach. By differentiating between the various emotions that constitute jealousy and applying targeted strategies for resolution, experienced practitioners of polyamory can navigate this challenging terrain with greater ease and empathy.

Managing jealousy is an ongoing journey that requires continuous learning, self-reflection, and the willingness to embrace emotional complexity. By approaching jealousy with compassion—for both yourself and your partners—you can transform it from a source of tension into an opportunity for growth, connection, and deeper understanding.

References and Footnotes:

Perel, E. (2006). Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence. Harper.

Vasallo, B. (2020). Thinking About Jealousy in Polyamory.

Neff, K. D. (2011). Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. William Morrow.

Smith, R. H. (2008). The Joy of Envy: A Social Psychology Perspective. In Envy: Theory and Research.

Fern, J. (2020). Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy. Thorntree Press.

Johnson, S. (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. Little, Brown and Company.

Labriola, K. (2013). The Jealousy Workbook: Exercises and Insights for Managing Open Relationships. Greenery Press.

Rosenberg, M. (2003). Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. PuddleDancer Press.

Kabat-Zinn, J. (1990). Full Catastrophe Living: Using the Wisdom of Your Body and Mind to Face Stress, Pain, and Illness. Delacorte Press.

Seligman, M. E. P. (2011). Flourish: A Visionary New Understanding of Happiness and Well-being. Free Press.

[samwise-ember]

True intimacy does not come from enmeshment, but from two differentiated individuals sharing themselves with each other.

Polysecure - Jessica Fern

Chapter 6

[little-gub]

Using my big girl brain for a good read, keep your babies educated 🤍

[whimperaudioconnoisseur]

just finished reading polysecure by jessica fern. i don’t know yet if polyamory is something i want for myself, but reading up on it is definitely helpful regardless.

i want to highlight chapter 9, which is about building a secure attachment with yourself. this means being a safe haven/secure base for yourself – paying attention to your needs and advocating for them when necessary, having compassion towards yourself, being present in your own body, having the skills to self-soothe in healthy ways, and overall taking good care of yourself. i found this summary of it you can check out. i plan to work on that no matter what relationship style i end up going with, so this in particular was really valuable for me.

i would recommend the book honestly for anyone who wants to have relationships, but it seemed to really fit someone like me who’s considering polyamory and hasn’t read more than an infographic or two about attachment styles.

just a few details annoyed me; referring to “highly sensitive person” like it’s a thing, which imo is unscientific bullshit and either ignorance or ableism. it’s autism! in this author’s case i think it’s simply ignorance, and that she wouldn’t have done it deliberately to avoid saying autistic, so i’m not mad, just disappointed. i’m also a love language hater and she refers to that a couple of times. no deal breakers, just little annoyances for me personally.

[everickert]

I had a really rich conversation with Jessica Fern and David Cooley about restorative relationship conversations, nonmonogamous paradigm shifts, NRE chasing, polysaturation, "justice jealousy" and the new book Polywise: A Deeper Dive into Navigating Open Relationships.

[queerographies]

Esplora la non monogamia etica con "Polisicure" di Jessica Fern. Scopri come creare relazioni sicure, basate sulla fiducia e sulla comprensione, al di fuori dei modelli tradizionali. Una guida essenziale per approfondire l'attaccamento e il trauma nelle relazioni non monogame.

[mydivinelife777]

what’s in my bag solo picnic date edition

[florence1513]

I told my potential partner I loved them after five months I've never felt so appreciated or adored before 💟

[discoveringpolyamory]

Between this book and her previous book, polysecure, I have become a big fan of Jessica Fern's work. And of the two, in my opinion, polywise is the superior book, offering easy-to-digest breakdowns of some of the root causes of the problems many of us suffer through when opening up our relationships and the advice and frameworks needed to navigate them.

[a-potato-of-death]

Polysecure

I'm currently reading Polysecure by Jessica Fern and I thought I'd make a post to keep track of my thoughts while reading. I'm reading with friends and we're meeting up to talk about it and I want to be able to remember what i was thinking at different points in the book. So this is this post. I'll start with my thoughts on the

Introduction

This was a surprisingly easy read and I'm hooked!

I like that personal aspects were included in this otherwise more general topic. What kind of threw me off was the favorable mention of "Sex at Dawn", although at least it wasn't endorsed specifically. It makes sense to read something on your journey to self-discovery and for it to be quite formative even if it turns out to be pseudoscience.

The introduction made me curious for the upcoming chapters and I'm excited to read more. I'm especially excited for the chapter about secure attachment to one self!

For now, I'm not 100% on board with attachment theory and the idea of having to separate everyone into categories and to find a reason in past trauma for every dysfunctional behavioral patterns we show in our relationships. I'm wondering if this book will make this theory more attractive to me or if it will turn me off of it altogether.

[t-oriand]

[zukkacore]

I’m such a believer in the jaceporter on again off again situationship but while they’re in an off again phase. Wishful thinking there is a small window in freshman year before Jawbone started dating Sandra Lynn that I do think he and Jace could’ve gotten it in. On the one hand jawbone is a professional & therefore hesitant to get involved with another faculty member, on the other hand because Jace’s vibe is like an equally laid back but less interesting charming or charismatic Garthy I do think Jace could be Jawbone’s type. I think it would be a nice reprieve for Jace to be with someone casually who is actually nice :)

On the other hand Jace taking L’s is personal enrichment for me so I think jawbone expressing Jace is not his type is also extremely funny. Much to think about

[mesothulass]

what if i wrote a d20 fic but its gorgug reading polysecure and chapter by chapter adjusting himself in his relationships based on new understanding

[freckliedan]

what does compersion mean?

easiest answer is that it's like, the opposite of jealousy! feeling joy seeing your loved one with someone else. happiness for their happiness.

dictionary definition like it is straight up about a polyamorous experience of the positive opposite of jealousy.

an example from my life: when my partner and i had another partner we were dating, feeling joyful butterflies/excitement over seeing them being affectionate together. not like, desire, not a feeling that pushed me to be involved, just. giddiness/delight for both of them!

not all compersion is so intense that it's giddiness but like. easier to paint an example with that. genuine joy and happiness over seeing your partner with someone else that can coexist with finding it hot but doesn't have to.

[honortheaarakock]

see you there clark. though as a note you ARE hotter for looking into how odd the COC is. just saying, as your perhaps maybe future paramour...

- ;), morning server at krom's

I know I already said this about sklonda but marry me