#WE MOVE BACK INTO THE DORMS IN MID TO LATE AUGUST

[sweet-as-kiwis]

You would think disability services would make it Easy to get your accommodations but noooo of Course not

[iamknicole]

The Things We Have to Lose Pt. 1

SVU Fic

July had come and gone, before anyone knew it they were sitting at mid-August. Time had flown it had been a blur. In between cases, Peach and Carisi were able to welcome her family and show them Hudson's campus then get her settled into her dorm. They were all very thankful for his niece, Mia, as she played a big role in getting Kaci acclimated to the school and forms serving as the RA.

Elliott and Olivia were finally able to have a conversation with Kathleen about Noah. As expected, she didn't take the news well and lashed out at them both. Deep down inside though, Kathleen always knew how her father felt about Olivia and Olivia about him, but for the sake of her mother and all she had been taught she didn’t want to accept it. Olivia and Elliott agreed to give her all the space she needed, they placed all of their attention on Eli and Noah. After all the two of them needed all of the attention they could get.

Things were moving steadily for Hasim and Amanda, getting more and more serious. They were happy without a doubt, the girls loved him but then there was Amanda. She was happy but also becoming pessimistic.

"Dinner tonight?" Hasim asked glancing at his phone from the road.

After not hearing from his girlfriend after she dropped the girls off, Hasim decided to FaceTime her on his way to work.

"Uuuh, yeah. Hopefully Im able to leave at a decent time. If not, go on and eat without me."

He chuckled. "The point of it was to see you, Amanda. How about this," he paused to make a turn, "I'll call when I get off and if you're not off yet, I'll grab the girls and make dinner. Sound good?"

She offered him a small smile nodding. "Sounds good. I've gotta go though. Fin is calling."

The Sargeant wasn't calling her, she just wanted some time to herself before getting to work. She had a lot on her mind and this was the only time she had alone to think.

"I've gotta go," Peach giggled, "We've gotta go, Sonny."

Carisi continued to hold on to his girlfriend with his face in her neck, kissing her. Chuckles escaped him a few times.

"Sonny, we're gonna be late. Don't you have court today?" She asked still giggling.

"I do but not for a couple hours and," he paused to bite her neck, "Hadid isn't gonna be in the office until later."

She groaned softly, "Mmm ... well I'm not that lucky, sir. Liv is gonna yell at me, not you, if I'm late. I don't wanna go either but I have to." Carisi finally pulled away pouting a little. She leaned up to kiss him. "I promise I'll try to get off at a decent time. And if I can get away for lunch, I'll come see you at your office."

"Promise?" He asked stealing another kiss.

"I promise, Sonny."

Finally letting her go, he stole one more kiss before grabbing his suit jacket. "Have a good day, BiBi. I love you."

Peach winked at him grabbing her car keys, "You bring home that W in court but either way I'm proud. I love you more, Dominick."

⚫⚫⚫⚫

"Well ... well ... well," Fin smiled turning in his chair and getting up, "Never thought I'd see Peter Stone back here. Good to see you."

Peter smiled accepting the hug. "Never planned on coming back but here we are."

Amanda came from their break room, a smile on her face when she saw him. She approached him, accepting his hug. "Peter, you're back? What are you doing here?"

"No, no," he chuckled, "Not back in the way you're thinking. But good to see you, Amanda."

Kat and Peach watched them talk and whispered amongst themselves.

"You know who that is, Kat?"

"Nope. No clue. Never seen em."

Peach hummed. "Maybe he was the old detective you replaced. They seem happy to see him."

"No, I replaced Carisi."

"Then who did I replace? I thought I replaced him."

Kat chuckled softly, "No. You technically didn't replace anybody, we were just short."

Fin realized he hadn't introduced Peter to the other women and politely interrupted Amanda's questions. He knew she wouldn't have realized until she talked Peter's ears off.

"Oh, Peter, we got two new detectives since you left. That's Kat and that's Peach." Fin explained pointing, "Ladies, this is our old ADA that Carisi replaced, Peter Stone."

Both ladies stood, smiling politely.

Kat stuck her hand out, "Nice to meet you, Peter."

Peter nodded shaking her hand. "Same here." He paused as he looked over at Peach taking her outstretched hand. "Certainly keeping some beautiful woman around. That why you're still here, Fin? Nice to meet you ... Peach is it?"

Peach nodded shaking his hand, she could tell he was flirting with her but didn't exactly know what to do about it in front of Amanda.

"Yes, it's Peach."

Fin looked between them chuckling. "I'm a taken man but they are pretty entertaining."

"Entertaining, you say? Interesting. Thank God I don't work in the DA's office anymore."

"Why is that?" Peach asked slowly sliding her hand away from his.

"Because I'd have to ask such a beautiful lady that should be seen by everyone to a private dinner."

"Lucky for you, Peter. Peach is available." Amanda added with a smile.

With her starting to be unsure about some things, Amanda felt as though Peach being distracted with Peter would be a good thing depending on what she decides. All her options are free.

Fin laughed. "This guy, he works fast. It's from his days playing in the league."

Thankfully, Carisi walked into the squad interrupting them. He had missed Peter's interaction with his girlfriend so the smile remained on his face.

"Stone," he called out happily shaking hands with him, "Haven't seen you in years."

Peter chuckled. "Planned on it being a few more. How's the job treating you? Ready to run away yet?"

"At times but I'm handling it." He shrugged playfully.

Hearing all the commotion, Olivia exited her office praying Amanda and Peach weren't arguing again. At this point, she was going to call Garland herself and tell him the pairing was off. Her frown turned into a smile seeing Stone, she pulled her glasses off as she approached them.

"So you do remember us?" She joked hugging him.

"On the occasion. How are you, Liv? How's Noah?"

"I'm good. He's great," she nodded. "How are you? What made you stop in?"

Peter chuckled glancing at Peach, who was trying to avoid looking at him and Carisi, then back at Olivia. "I came to get your help with something but then I stumbled upon this beautiful woman you've apparently been hiding."

Olivia and Carisi both frown a little, the latter runs his hands through his hair to play it off.

"Hiding? You mean Kat?" Olivia asked chuckling.

Kat held her hand up smiling, "Not me, Cap. Our resident fruit."

Olivia thought for a second then looked at Peach and nodded slowly. "I'm not hiding anyone, Peter but I keep them all very, very busy with work. Which she and everyone else should be doing. You can come to my office so we can discuss what you need help with. Carisi, you come too."

Frowning, Carisi followed them to her office throwing a glance in Peach's direction. She shrugged back not really knowing what to do besides go back to her desk. When she did, she sent him a quick text to let him know what happened. As she was texting, Amanda stopped by her desk smiling.

"Yes, Amanda?"

"Don't 'yes, Amanda' me. What do you think? You should go to dinner with him." She encouraged happily.

Peach shook her head. "We can barely get out of here in enough time to have dinner at home let alone getting dressed and going out. Plus my niece usually wants to talk at night."

"One of these days we'll get out at a good time and go then. I'm sure your niece would understand. He's a good catch, Peach."

Peach raised a brow, "I know we've been getting along and everything but this is weird. Why are you so for me going out with him? Who by the way I don't know."

She shrugged. "Just like you were for me being happy getting me with Hasim, I want you to be happy too. Go, you never go out."

"Uhuh," Peach nodded, "I'll think, Amanda."

Fin decided to step in. "Take your time, Peach. There's no rush to go out."

"Says the person with a fiancé." Amanda laughed going back to her desk.

"Well as her best friend, I agree with Fin. Don't rush into anything right now, you've already got a lot going on," Kat added more to end the conversation than to actually offer advice.

Fifteen minutes later, Olivia, Carisi and Peter were coming out of her office still talking amongst themselves. Olivia let Peter know that they would look into the information and what he needed help with them get back to him. He thanked and hugged her then shook Carisi's hand before turning to leave. He stopped at Peach's desk sliding the pen from her hand making her look up.

"Uuh... that's my pen," she smiled nervously.

Peter offered her a smiled. "I know and this is your notepad," he chuckled sliding it closer to him and started to write on it, "This is my number, call me when you've decided on a day for our dinner. Don't make me wait too long, beautiful."

With that, he left the squad. Olivia turned Carisi to face her and gave him a quick pep talk. He knew Peach wouldn't call him but that didn't mean he liked seeing Peter flirt with her. He got a quick pep talk from his mama bear before leaving. He sent his girlfriend a quick wink and smile.

⚫⚫⚫⚫

Unable to get out for lunch, Peach was able to get off at a decent time. She knew her boyfriend would be at the office a little longer since court didn't go the way he wanted. She stopped to pick up the Chinese food he liked before heading to his office. On the way she called a few times, receiving no answer which wasn't surprising to her either.

She concealed the food in her bag before going inside. His secretary was away from her desk so she went straight to his office. A smile on her face, she walked through the door.

"I called but," her voice got caught in her throat seeing him and Amanda kissing.

Carisi pushed Amanda away from him gently but firmly wiping his hand across his mouth. He glared at Amanda before turning to his girlfriend a fearful look on his face.

"B ... Peach ... I," he started seeing the look on her face. His words caught in his throat, he wanted to explain himself but not in front of Amanda.

Amanda raked her hand through her hair. "What ... what are you doing here, Peach?"

Her eyes darted between the two of them, willing herself not to cry in that moment.

"I ... Came to get some papers but ... I see it was a bad time."

She turned to leave ignoring them both calling for her. Making it to her car, she got in and locked her doors. She'd never been more appreciative of the tint on her windows that shielded her tears from the outside world. Knowing her boyfriend the way she did, she knew she only had a five maybe ten minute head start to get to his house and pack something before he got there.

"Amanda, what the hell was that? What are you doing?"

Amanda shrugged attempting to be innocent. "I ... I don't know what happened. You were talking and ... it just happened, Sonny."

His frown deepened, blue eyes blazing with anger. "It just happened? Bull! That's bull. You and Hasim, who by the way happens to be my friend, are together. You don't just do things like that. I'm gonna ask again," he paused starting to seethe, "What was that?"

"Jesus, calm down, Sonny. It was just a harmless kiss, it was a mistake, okay?"

Carisi pointed his finger at her, "It's not just harmless, Amanda! It's not! You're doing that self sabotage thing again and I don't want any parts of it. You're pretty good at doing it on your own without me. I need to get out of here."

Taking one last glance at her, Carisi grabbed his suit jacket, keys and bag leaving his office in a huff. Amanda watched him leave working silently through her thoughts. She didn't think things would go this way and she damn sure didn't expect Peach to walk through the door. She groaned to herself.

"I gotta get to Peach," she mumbled out loud.

Knowing his girlfriend wouldn't answer, Carisi called Olivia. He drummed his fingers against the steering wheel as he drove and waited on her to answer. This wasn't anywhere close to how he saw his day going.

"Carisi, hey. Didn't expect to hear from you." She chuckled until she realized he didn't respond to her. "Sonny ... you still there?"

"Ye....yeah. Yeah I'm here, Cap."

Olivia stepped away from her son, "What's going on? If you're worried about court, don't. He won't be able to evade his day in court forever."

"No, 's not that. Things are messed up and ... and," he paused to honk his horn repeatedly, "And these people won't move outta my way!"

"Hey, hey ... calm down. Tell me what's messed up, what's going on?"

"Amanda came to my office said she was checking on me after what happened in court. She was getting ready to leave and I was gonna walk her to the door," he paused to groan and lay on his horn, "Then she kissed me. Before I could push her off, Peach walked in and I couldn't say anything. I couldn't get the words out."

"Wait ... wait .... Amanda kissed you?" She asked confused.

"Yes, she kissed me. I asked her why she did it and she gave some lame excuse about it being a harmless mistake."

"Bull," Olivia scoffed.

Carisi snorted.

"Yeah. Same thing I said to her."

"What else did you say to her?"

"Told her it was bull and that I didn't want any parts of her self sabotage."

Olivia sighed. She could tell Amanda had been off for a while but couldn't figure out what it was. But now she knew and understood ... things were going good and Amanda was being pessimistic, messing things up before anyone else could.

"Where are you now?"

Carisi sighed, "Trying to get to my house before BiBi leaves but this traffic."

"You think she'll leave?" She asked genuinely concerned.

"Cap, you know BiBi just like I do ... she's gonna leave. And if she leaves I won't be able to explain this to her."

"You're right. But listen even if you don't make it on time before she leaves you know there's only two places she could go," Olivia reasoned softly, "Kat's or Nick's. And even still just give her some time."

Carisi huffed changing lanes. "I don't wanna lose her. I can't lose her. It's like Amanda knows and she did that on purpose."

"Don't even think about that right, just concentrate on driving home. Call me if anything happens. Okay, Sonny?"

⚫⚫⚫⚫

Just as Peach was exiting the neighborhood, she saw her boyfriend turning in. He was unable to make a u-turn so he honked his horn repeatedly trying to get her to pull over or come back to no avail. She kept driving constantly declining calls until she saw Amanda's name.

"Yes, Amanda?"

A sigh came through her speakers.

"Listen, I just called to ask you not to tell Hasim. Please."

Peach chuckled, "Oh I'm not because you're gonna tell him."

"What? No. It'll cause trouble for no reason. It was an accident."

Her chuckle became full out laughter. "An accident? Right, Amanda. Two people kissing is not an accident."

"Carisi and I have history that you wouldn't understand, it was harmless and an accident," she explained. "No need to bring it up again."

Feeling her anger start to rise again, Peach decided to end the call there was nothing more to say to her. She thought that having her with Hasim would not only occupy her but make her happy and obviously she was wrong. Amanda wanted everything and everybody to herself and until someone did something about it, it wouldn't stop.

⚫⚫⚫⚫

Hearing knocks at his door, Nick made his way to it. He smiled seeing his best friend on the other side and invited her in. He greeted her with a hug then took her bag from her.

"A sleepover, I suppose? You and Zara in cahoots again?" He laughed.

Peach shook her head, tears starting to pool in her eyes. "I just need to stay here for tonight. Please."

The crack in her voice made him toss her bag aside and hug her tight. "It's alright, it's okay. What's going on? Why are we crying?"

She cried softly into his chest. "I'm so mad at him. I'm so, so, so mad at him. And I wanna hit her."

Nick thought for a moment. "Carisi and Amanda. What happened?"

A couple of hours later, Peach was asleep in the guest room after crying and venting her emotions to Nick. He left her, thankful she'd finally gotten to sleep from all the crying.

The doorbell going off made him rush to the door before it could wake her. He pulled the door open, a blank expression on his face.

"Yeah, Carisi?"

"I know BiBi is here. Can I come in and see her? I just wanna talk to her."

"I don't think she wants to talk to you. She'll let you know when she wants to talk."

Carisi sighed. "Look, I know she's pissed at me but I need to explain this to her. If she wants me to leave then I will but I want her to tell me."

Nick chuckled, "She sleeping, she cried herself to sleep but I'm sure if she was awake she'd tell you to leave. Just give her time."

"Nick ... come on man. Please."

"No," he shook his head, "Even if I did let you in here, she's asleep, Carisi. Just go back home or wherever, you're not seeing her tonight. Maybe another day.

At that, Nick closed his door, leaving Carisi out on his stoop alone. He groaned loudly staring up at the sky then jogged down the steps going back to his SUV. He racked his brain trying to figure out what he could do that didn't involve telling their secret to get resolve. He couldn't call either of their parents because that was a chewing out that wouldn't help any of this.

"Monica," he said out loud picking his phone up to dial her number.

[bangchanstudio]

my roommate is a ghost | han jisung (ch. 2)

pairing: han jisung x reader (fem)

genre: college;au, parallel universe??

tw: mild nudity, mild talk of death, ghosts, cursing

word count: 1,360

writer’s note: so i guess i was a little more inspired lol 2 chapters in one night! sorry if it’s still a little bland, its hard to get the bases down lol please let me know if you like it!

plot: you had a bad habit of seeing ghosts. sometimes they were scary, sometimes they were rude, but hardly were they ever cute. one day as you were getting ready for class you walked in on your roommate showering… except you didn’t have a roommate. and he wasn’t exactly a ghost. (loosely inspired by the webtoon Freaking Romance by Snailords)

[10:55pm]

ghost han jisung was sitting cross legged in the middle of your small couch while you paced back and forth nibbling on your thumb. this can’t be right, you insisted in your head mumbling mindlessly the thoughts running through your skull. if he was a ghost why didn’t he disappear when you slapped him? he didn’t even disappear the second time you slapped him when aelin left for hana’s either.. you stopped abruptly turning to face ghost han jisung, the sudden movement making his eyes go slightly wide as he flinched back. safe to say he wouldn’t be messing with you, though you did feel bad for slapping him... twice.

“how old are you?”

jisung tilted his head curiously before responding, “19, you?”

“19″ you mumbled before going back to pacing. “so, just to be clear, you’re not dead?”

“how many times are you going to ask me that? I am not dead. I’m sure i would have remembered such a traumatic life event”

you waved a hand dismissively, “you say that but explain how you disappeared this morning? I was waiting for you to come out of the bathroom but you never did. and when i went to go check on you, you were gone. just- vanished into thin air. like a ghost.”

“I don’t know how to explain it either. I woke up at 6:15am, got in the shower, washed my hair, scrubbed my body, brushed my teeth and that’s when you so rudely walked in on me. i never left my dorm.” he crossed his arms, his biceps distracting you a bit. pull yourself together, you can’t crush on a ghost, that’s all kinds of weird.

“okay, so let’s say you’re not dead. what year is it?” there has to be some logical explanation to all of this.

“2020″ jisung answered, “this is columbia university, weather today was partly cloudy 87 degrees, a small earthquake hit cali last week, lunch in the main cafe today was chicken pasta and ceasar salad,”

everything sounded right until he said, “President Clinton spoke today at-”

“Trump, you mean?” you clarified stopping dead in your tracks.

“No... Hillary Clinton.” both of you stared waiting for the other to say sike, but neither of you broke. you moved around the small coffee table sitting on it and leaning to face jisung eye to eye, the closeness making him flatten his back into the couch.

“who is the 45th president of the united states?”

“hil-hillary clinton,” jisung stuttered blinking as if to see you more clearly. “the first female president.”

“no...” you said quietly, “donald trump is president. the first cheeto.”

jisung bursted out laughing, “did you just call donald trump a cheeto? no, he lost the race. what are you even saying?”

“I’m dead serious!” you insisted, quickly pulling up trump’s wikipidea page on your phone before showing him. jisung looked at the phone screen intently reading it before pulling out his own phone and showing you his screen.

It was a news article with the exact same date as today,

tuesday, august 18, 2020 president clinton addresses the rumors of...

“there’s no way...” you trail off. a thought suddenly occurred to you. “can i use your phone?”

jisung handed it to you and you quickly went to dial your phone number from his phone, you placed the phone to your ear hearing it ring but your phone sat idle on your lap, the screen black.

“hello?” you hung up immediately as a deep male voice answered. definitely not you.

“Here,” you said shoving your phone into jisung’s hand, “call your phone.”

“why? if you want my number you could just say so.” he said wiggling his eyebrows.

“no you dummy, i just called my phone number from yours and someone else answered.”

he nodded and dialed his number placing the call on speaker. it rung for 20 seconds before going into, “you have reached the voicemail box of Doctor Sarah Ledwi-”

jisung ended the call before saying, “so, what exactly is this suppose to mean?”

what was this suppose to mean?

[6:30am]

the blaring alarm of your phone woke you up cutting through the dark fog of whatever dreamless sleep you were in. the room was dark but someone left the bathroom light on last night and by someone it was probably jisung. you hadn’t figured much out, the only things you two were able to gather through google searches and quizzing each other was that you seemed to live in different realities. you both were alive, just not in the same dimension. jisung admitted to seeing you in his bedroom mirror during move in day last week but it was only for a second, so he chalked it up to a trick of the eyes and a hang over. but that was the first day you were seeing him. eventually jisung got up to use the bathroom and never came back, that was around 4am.

luckily for you today was your late day, lecture wasn’t until 9am, though you set your alarm early to try and have some type of decent schedule or a routine but you couldn’t help giving into sleep just a little while longer.

a little while longer ended up costing you both of your lectures as you forgot to set another alarm to wake you up, instead you were awaken by a pounding at the door.

“what the hell?” you grumbled covering one eye with your hand and squinting with the other. you tapped around the night stand looking for your glasses but the insistent pounding made you get up blindly just to shut up whoever was at the door.

“who the hell are you?” you answered, not recognizing the prick at the door. he wasn’t much taller than you, sporting black on black and a baseball cap.

“oh sorry, i didn’t realize jisung had a girl over.” he said with an australian accent. “could you let him know i finished the beat we were working on?”

wait a second... did he say jisung? no, this can’t be happening.

“who’s the 45th president of the united states?” you asked,

the guy looked at you as if you were crazy, before chuckling, “uh- hillary clinton?”

you groaned telling him you’d let jisung know before closing the door and looking at your surroundings. this definitely wasn’t your room. there was take out left on the coffee table, men’s clothes laying in the bathroom floor. there was a clock by the tv that read 12:32pm and on the desk by the window was a calendar. it had, what you assumed, was jisung’s schedule.

“lecture 1: 9:30am-10:45am, lecture 2: 11:00am-12:15pm.. he should be back soon then,” you mumbled to yourself talking a look at the other things on his desk. a midi keyboard, studio monitors, a recording microphone. was this guy some kind of soundcloud rapper or what?

since you missed your morning lectures, you were free until the afternoon your last lecture of the day being 7pm. but... how exactly were you suppose to get back? jisung doesn’t even know how he was able to go back and forth twice. you caught a glimpse of yourself in the mirror realizing you were still only in a towel from last night. the both of you had been so caught up in the mystery of what was happening that it never occurred to you to put some clothes on, and fuck that’s how you answered the door just now.

*beep, beep, beep, beep, click*

you turned as jisung walked in with another guy trailing behind him. they were laughing about something but jisung gasped as he saw you standing there... in a towel.

“Sorry mate, but you can’t come in I- uh,” Jisung fumbled for an excuse as he shoved his friend out the door.

“Ohh, you didn’t tell me you had a girl over, now i know who caused those bags under your ey-” he shut the door on him mid sentence before turning back to you and running his hand through his hair.

you pulled at a black supreme tshirt he had in his closet, “mind if I borrow this?”

[didsomoneonesaydracomalfoy]

We Don’t Talk Anymore

Draco Malfoy x Reader

*gif not mine*

Warnings: just a bit angsty?

Song: All Coming Back - Cèline Dion

It started in your fifth year. You hadn’t been able to sleep and you thought a walk might help, so you found yourself walking up the steps of the Astronomy tower. He was stood leaning against the rail and you gasped in shock, not because it was him but because you didn’t expect anyone to be up here.

“Sorry.” You whispered, he turned to face you and watched your dark hair blow across your face.

“It’s okay. I’ll leave.” He almost snapped at you, but just as he was about to pass you spoke.

“You don’t have to.” The two of you were somewhat friends, both being Slytherin and in the same year, that was the extent of it. “Company would be nice.” You offered as you walked to the edge and sat down. He did stay, but he didn’t say anything.

These meetings carried on most night for a couple of weeks, and then it changed. You would sit next to each other at dinner, and he would help you with your Potions homework in the common room.

Then, one night in the common room when it was just the two of you he placed a gentle kiss on your lips. Which was the first of many, many kisses in the dark corners of Hogwarts. It wasn’t a secret, he didn’t try and hide your blooming friendship but no one really spoke of it or gossiped because he was so private, you liked it that way. You wrote letters over summer as your relationship progressed and you couldn’t wait to see him again but mid August as you sent off a letter, you didn’t realise it would be the last. You waited, and waited to hear from him but got nothing back.

So, sixth year was different. By the time it was the start of the next school year you didn’t want to see him, or speak to him or even hear his voice. You were angry, and you felt like you had every right to be, who did he think he was just dropping you after almost a year together?

The train ride was awful, you could hear Pansy Parkinson cooing his name every opportunity she could. Your friends not loud enough to drain out the trio sat just behind you, you were late so you hadn’t seen him as you rushed off the train but you knew he was there.

“Y/N, are you taking Potions this year?” Your friend asked making you sigh,

“Yeah I chose it last year. I wish I could drop it now though, I’m awful at Potions.” You told her dreading it, knowing exactly who would be in most of your classes this year.

“Oh you know Malfoy will be there to save the day.” She joked unaware, and soon that was all that you soon as you waited to just get to Hogwarts and start a completely new year.

It was hard not to notice the way Pansy stuck close to him, a little too close. They had always been friends but she kept her distance, watching her place her hand on his forearm, once more you stood from your spot at the table. You gained quite a lot of attention doing it so suddenly, feeling the grey pools you were so familiar with watching you, you felt hot and wanted to get out.

“Sorry I’m just so tired. I’ll see you later.” You told your friends and walked to the common room and straight up to your dorm, finding your record player set up you played some of your music. Muggle Music, and maybe you blasted it a little louder because you knew he hated it.

The next couple of weeks were torture, you tried to ignore the hurt when you’d see him in the common room, and you tried to act like how you did before everything. Like he wasn’t there. You hated how Pansy would wear his scarf to Quidditch games, and how Draco, Blaise and Pansy would always sit in the same place in The Three Broomsticks having a good time. He was doing a really good job at acting like you didn’t exist.

One Sunday night in The Three Broomsticks you were stumbling out to get back to the castle as you couldn’t bring yourself to have fun, and as you walked out the door you bumped into his chest. His scent far too familiar and the need to touch him again came flooding back as your senses were overwhelmed by his familiarity. The way he steadied you with his hand on your lower back almost scolded you through your coat and jumper as you remembered the nights you’d both be tangled in each other and the sheets. His rings leaving cool streaks as his hands ran over your body. The flashback making you dizzy as you wanted to melt into his bold once again.

“Sorry.” He gasped out suddenly caught in a moment he wanted to avoid. Not because he didn’t want her, not because he wasn’t helplessly in love her, but because he couldn’t, and he wouldn’t get her involved in what he’s got to do this year. And he knows her, she’ll want to help him. Finally having the guts to take her in properly for the first time this year his chest tightened painfully. And the way her hair fell around her shoulders made him want to run his fingers through it, the way he always had done without doubting you wanting his touch for a second.

He pulled his hand away from you after leaving it for a second too long knowing that could very well be one of the last chances he gets.

“It’s fine.” You finally managed to say finding your voice after a minute or so. Avoiding his eyes you looked down to your feet and trying to move past him.

“Y/N-“ cutting him off from saying anymore you didn’t even stop as you headed back to the castle alone.

The next day you had overslept, throwing on your uniform and quickly doing your hair you rushed to the classroom. Slughorn was already talking to the class and you rushed out an apology.

“That’s okay, it’s fine sit down at the back.” He ordered as you fell onto the desk alone, great you’ll have no help with whatever today’s task is.

“Amortentia.” He declared. “It’s a potion that allows you to smell what you truly desire.” Raising your eyebrows you were interested in knowing what you’d smell.

However, you were rubbish at potions. Rather than yours being the deep velvet red colour it was supposed to be, it’s purple and bubbling.

“What does yours smell like Y/N?” Hermione asked interested making you frown.

“Mine hasn’t exactly worked.” She peered into your cauldron and Draco had to stop himself from smiling.

“Here come and smell mine.” She offered, and he watched as you took in the scent. Your eyes darkened in admiration at what you could smell, his jaw was clenching as he waited to hear what you smelt.

“It’s uh, peppermint. And, cologne, with uh burning fire.” You gulped knowing exactly who you smelt, it was the familiar smell of Draco and his dormitory on those particularly cold nights. Stumbling back to your desk you didn’t dare look at him, but if you had of done you’d of seen the guilt in his eyes, his heart was screaming out to you but he just couldn’t.

That night there was a small knock on your door, if you hadn’t of been so quiet and concentrating on your homework you’d of barely heard it. Pulling it open you saw Draco on the other side. You hand flinched as you thought about slamming it shut in his face but the look in his eyes told you not to.

“What do you want?” You asked, your eyes immediately filling with tears.

“I need to explain, I need to tell you everything.” He pleaded making your chest grow tight, he came in and fell on your bed, you close next to him.

“It’s been months Draco.” You whispered looking down at your hands watching as a tear fell splashing onto your fingers.

“I know, I’ve been going through some stuff.” He told you vaguely and you wiped your tears saying nothing. He carefully watched you as you waited for him to speak, you needed him to tell you why.

“I was stupid, and what I’m doing is so selfish because I need to leave you alone, you need me to leave you alone-“ you cut him off angry.

“That’s my choice!” You snapped making him breathe in deeply through his nose.

“Y/N, my parents want me to do something. Well it’s done.” You frowned at how calm he is. “I’ve been chosen, I don’t have a choice. He’s going to kill us if I don’t do this and I don’t want you around to see me become this person, and I don’t want you around for him to use if he knows-“ all the dots started to connect in your head and his words became white noise as you finally looked up to him.

“Draco..” you started your voice cracking and breaking his heart. You reached for him, grabbing his cheeks as his eyes couldn’t find yours. “Draco no you can’t, it’s not you, it’s not right!” You begged crying making his chin wobble as he grabbed you pulling you flush against him and tight.

“It’s already done. And I can’t risk losing you.” He said into your neck making you shake your head.

“You never lost me. And you won’t, we’re going to win this war and you’ll be fine, I’ll make sure of it.” You said between sniffling and tears. Pressing his lips against yours desperately you melted into him, pulling away slightly you looked into his eyes.

“You’ll always have me.” You promised making his grip on your hips tighten just a bit more as your breath fanned his lips.

“I’ll fight for you. I will.” He promised finally having some sort of hope that he will get out of this the other side.

“You’re good Draco. You’ve always been good.” We’re the final words spoken between the two of you that night. You spent the rest of the evening making up for lost time, lost promises and lost hope and making new promises in between kisses as you promised each other the world after the war.

[lgbt-plusultra]

A BnHA timeline for my own sanity

Ok, I’m making this just so I can contextualize and keep everything together because... Japanese school years really confuse me... (Though, honestly, I do understand starting the school year in the spring -- it is a time for new beginnings, after all.)

APRIL - first year at U.A.

- started training with All Might ten months ago

- take the U.A. entrance exam: Deku uses OFA for the first time (...and breaks three limbs... wow...) - mid/early april

- Bakugou turns 16!! (4/20 babeeey)

- gonna assume that their first training exercises take place here (as well as Aizawa being a expulsion troll) ~ late april

MAY

- Iida is class pres! we meet more of class 1A! yowza! ~ early may

- USJ incident ~ late may

JUNE

- sports festival, todoroki family Drama, & Feral Bakugou ~ they made it seem like the sports festival was fairly soon after the USJ incident, but not immediately after, so I’d say mid-june

JULY

- the kiddos do their internships / Deku figures out how to do shit without shattering all of his bones / there’s this dude named Stain and we learn iida is very willing to commit murder (I’m mainly assuming this happens in July because I’d like to assume that these children had at least three months of training before tempting fate and getting multiple stab wounds??)

- Deku turns 16! (7/15 babeeyy)

- they have their final exams (TodoMomo team up, BKDK team up, Mineta isn’t useless for once???? shocking.) ~ late July (term usually ends around july 20th)

AUGUST - ... the summer break they never got...

- they get like a week to relax and then they’re BACK AT IT AGAIN (outdoors edition (TM))

- Bakugou gets kidnapped. (”KACCHAAAN!!” (TM)) ~ early august

- they get bakugou back. ~ early august

- everyone moves into the dorms ~ mid-august

- a week of finishing up the training they were SUPPOSED to get & taking provisional licensing exam ~ late august

- bkdk Fight Out Their Feelings ~ late august

SEPTEMBER - second term starts

- bkdk are on house arrest (lolz) and we meet The Big Three ~ early september

- like a fraction of the kids that got their provisional licenses actually get work studies... we meet Sir Nighteye & Eri ~ mid-september

- the Work Study Kiddos (Kiri/Tsu/Ochako/Deku + The Big Three) all get to sit down at the Big Table with The Adults & are told to wait until they can narrow down Overhaul’s location ~ late september

I’m going to continue filling this out as I watch but... as of now, ya boi Deku (and by extension, all of 1A) has only had ~ 6 months of training going into the Overhaul arc/acting as pros with their provisional licenses... so... damn, I guess? Though this timeline makes it a little easier for me to believe / understand.

[swirlyrobe]

Jul 28, 2015

Details

after that i ended up in a special ed school and thats when i started listening to rap with dipset and stealing yugioh cards for money and robitussin to get high. when i was 16 i only had a couple good friends and everybody else just avoided me caus they were scared i was going to fight them and one of them steve (who’s 3 years younger than me) had me meet his (at the time) ex gf one day and i ended up getting my thing sucked>.> yea for the first time and then we planned to lose our virginity the next week. she brought her friend and we had a threesome tho my drugs caught up with me because i was on probation for beating somebody up on the bus and i kept getting dirty urines for weed so i went to rehab a couple weeks after

i never really had gfs in highschool other than that, there was only 5 girls in my special ed school, i was friends with most of them but they used me for drugs. i went to community college right after highschool and made friends rapping tho immediately got involved in a small crime ring of stealing video games from stores, selling them to gamestop to make a couple hundred daily as well as smoking a lot more weed (while still on probation for another assault) that didnt catch up with me yet tho when i was 19 this girl sabrina added me on facebook and i really liked her, ended up meeting her at the mall it was a really sweet date(we had fun getting physical😄) she wasn’t like everybody else because she didnt try to be normal. i had court coming up though i ended up smoking pcp for the first time and had a psychotic break where i thought this girl was her (who wasnt) and got arrested for unlawful restraint (i thought she was bugging out and i didnt want to leave until i knew what was wrong). i went to jail and got released to rehab again.

when i got out of rehab i went to outpatient rehab (i was 20 now) and met a woman heather who was 33. we dated and she bought a ring for me 3 months after to propose which i accepted because i was desperate and i thought i loved her though she asked if i was attracted to her and i honestly said only her face and not her body so she broke up with me. after that i started smoking again until i started talking to this girl Haley who lived the city over from me, she said she wanted a brother yet i really started liking her when we talked. this is when i really started realizing i liked younger girls and she ended up admitting she had a bf months after and lied to both of us. (i made a lot of songs about her😔😪){&2020 update about haley: we moved on with our lives and had never met though I talked to her a little on Facebook this year and, thankfully I wasn't as enamored and clingy😪}

there's a couple dozen other girls i dated/talked to between that and then there was bella who heard my music on an old social site called PHEED and i thought she was beautiful so i told her that and we talked. she lived in texas but we had intense convos she was really smart, beautiful, funny and we swore we would be together though i had to go to rehab again(this time inpatient in New London where, I lived in a sober house & got a job after) because i violated probation yet i wanted to test if she’d stay with me so i didnt tell her i went. about 4 months later when i was getting out of rehab i talked to her again and she acted like everything was alright and she had moved to NY as well as gotten a license and really had her life together. she said she loved me and was gonna drive to see me in new london so, I waited an hour for her to come until I talked to her and she said because I "played" her she was playing me so, not coming 😢😞(this was in 2014)

So in 2015 I was clean about a year so, I applied & got accepted for McNally Smith college of music (to major in audio production) in st Paul Minnesota where I Was clean for months until (for some reason I forgot but, probably running around fast) I got kicked out of my weightlifting gym out there so I was upset and, found some people @ a park near downtown st Paul smoking weed which I got in on and, ten weeks later I saw someone with dreads buying a dutch in a bodega so, I asked if he knew where to get weed and: It turned out he was a dealer so I ended up buying lot's of weed and trading for studio time for him to record but, I got caught smoking sometimes in my dorm & because I got in arguments with students and staff at college so, they warned me if I got in ANY fight in or, outside of school I would be expelled & I DID get expelled; probably because of the fight where I sent that guy who hit my head with a brick to the hospital (which drew a LOT of attention and PROBABLY was on the news)

Though they said it was because I got in too many arguments and, smoked too much weed in my dorm...

So I moved back with my grandma later in 2015 where I was until she kicked me out for smoking weed and k2 so, I was homeless In which I slept under a blanket near the library and, behind a church in hamden until, the church let me live in their garage when it became winter so I stayed there until early 2016 where, I moved to a spot in Hamden off the bike trail in the woods where I started with a one person tent until I stole a 8 person tent from Walmart and, uused a shopping cart to carry a bed my friend gave away down the bike trail to my spot and late I stole a propane heater plus propane powered stove so I stole an empty propane can outside of krauzers and I kept paying $20 to get it filled at The car wash up the street so I used it to cook ramen and, oatmeal on my stove and power my heater in the winter and I finally got clean in August 2016 while STILL homeless then completed a course to get into CTWORKS which helped me get nice used suits and an interview g for the job I got at Chipotle in December 2016 while, still homeless 😪 I told them I still lived at my grandmas and took showers at my friend's house until I got a la fitness membership with my first paycheck which was actually through the woods near my tent so, I took showers there EVERY morning & worked out there in addition to, at my tent where I still had a barbell set from my grandmas and, then in the spring of 2017 I applied to and, got a landscaping job I saw on the ctworks job search online so I woke up at 5am EVERY morning with a battery powered alarm clock I stole from Walmart and, caught the first Whitney bus that went downtown at 5:30 and, then I took the next train around 5:45 to go to milford where, the landscaping base is so I ran there when I got to Milford around 6am to get there on time by 6:30-45

So I worked there while I was still homeless and, I got approved for shelter plus Care which some people That lived in the woods near me told me about and, I got my apartment with 2 jobs off the post road behind dunkin donuts in West Haven so, I took The bus up the post road to get to BOTH jobs until, I saw a moped for sale from east haven on Craigslist for$200 in mid spring of 2017 which, I rode to my jobs on until, I got a drivers permit (coincidentally on the day I heard my grandma was dying so, I Went to her house and Watched her die 😥

Then I took drivers ed classes;

Then I started getting driving lessons in late spring 2017 until I learned to drive in a couple months so, I took the drivers test in summer 2017 and, then took motorcycle classes at north haven gateway (where I ran into my dr's receptionist Alexandra ai had a crush on (who I even had written and recorded a song about) then, my mom helped me get my 250 ninja from new Haven power sports so: I drove that to my jobs until my crash on August 6th 2019 which, I don't remember but, I woke up at the residential physical rehab hospital Gaylord where : I leave weekly what happened was I hit an suv on mg way to work, had a right brain stroke & broken pelvic also my left side was paralyzed and got contractures (where my left arm, fingers and left got really curled up and difficult to straighten so I'm still working on walking again 😥

(I'm getting botox injections to help my left side straighten and , I'm able to my left leg and arm though, they're really bent and my fingers are too bent for me to move, use,or, hold anything😪

So now I am living at my aunts waiting to get another apartment through my insurance agency while, I still get votox every 2 months unrtil I hopefully gain control and use of my left side😪 &, the ability to walk again...

I went from being REAL STRONG to, being weak (though I'm ljfting more with my right arm with a dumbbell then I used to!)

Either way: I'm a survivor!

💪🏽😁👍🏼

[yurionice-secretsanta]

To @hotaruyuki From  @mrscalculation

It’s late October, Yuri has been in Detroit since mid-August, and Viktor is in the United States for the first time since the injury that ended his competitive career.

It’s fine, he’s fine, and Yuri is definitely fine. Viktor is coming to visit after the end of Yuri’s midterms since Yuri won’t be able to come home until late December, and he’s sure Yuri is fine. He’s an incredible artist and perhaps the single most stubborn, obsessive, competitive asshole Victor has ever met. There’s no way that he didn’t absolutely annihilate his midterms, especially with this being his first semester. They were probably on boringly easy stuff on the theory behind everything he does, anyway. Or maybe drawing something so easy it’s like stick figures to Yuri. Viktor doesn’t know. He never went to art school.

He never went to university, actually.

While Viktor had every intention of giving Yuri his space on this visit, Yuri makes it far too easy for Viktor to throw that idea out.

“Hey, old man,” he says, “I’m going to a friend’s tonight to celebrate the end of midterms. You don’t have to come. You should sleep.”

What Viktor hears is instead, Oh, loving adoptive older brother of mine, wouldn’t you love to meet my friends? Drink with them? Tell them embarrassing stories from my childhood, then brag about me until I can’t decide which I’d rather die from? Please come with me. Please embarrass me.

What Viktor says is, “Yura! I’d love to go with you! I can always come back early if I’m too tired, but I don’t get to meet your friends every day!”

Yuri groans and threatens to end Viktor’s life if he embarrasses him, to which Viktor gives a chipper, “I would never!”

Viktor must say, he’s a little disappointed at the things Yuri has been getting up to in America.

For one, this celebration turns out to be five guys playing a drinking game in one of their apartments. They’re playing what is apparently a very difficult level of a single-player video game, and any time one of them dies, they take a shot and pass the controller to the next person.

For another, someone thought that this rubbing alcohol passed as vodka.

After a brief squabble during which Yuri launches himself at the guy who’s best at the game—also named Yuuri, funnily enough—and the whole thing being put on Instagram for the world to see, Yuri sends Viktor away to get more alcohol for the group. Viktor knows he should be a better influence than buying alcohol for his underage brother, but they’re Russian, and if they were in Russia, all of this would be acceptable and legal, so he only puts up a fight long enough to get Yuri angry about being treated like a child, but not enough for Yuri to actually fight him.

Viktor has never been happier to be a poor influence.

As it turns out, the other Yuuri is a cute drunk, very clingy and affectionate and loud and wont to praise Viktor to the moon.

He’s also a figure skater, apparently.

“I used to look up to you so much,” he says, hoodie off and leaning across Viktor. Leo has gone back to the dorm he and Yuri share, and Phichit has stepped outside for a call. Yuri is passed out with his head pillowed in Otabek’s lap, and Otabek, who either did not drink at all or is completely unphased by alcohol, sits with his headphones in, scrolling through his phone, absentmindedly running his fingers through Yuri’s hair.  “Nikiforov. I used to want to be just like you. You were the best.”

While Viktor appreciates the praise, he’s also never heard Yuuri’s name in his life before because he hasn’t really followed figure skating for years. “Thank you,” he says, and is rewarded with Yuuri wrapping his arms around Viktor’s shoulders.

“Are you okay? Viktor? Are you okay?” Yuuri’s eyes are glossy and his glasses are crooked and falling across the tip his reddening nose. Viktor?” he asks again.

“I’m fine,” Viktor says reflexively, then, “but what about you?”

“No, Viktor, I’m fine. Viktor! I mean. Up here.” Yuuri goes to poke Viktor in the forehead but misses, getting him in the bottom of the eyebrow. He squints his eyes and tries again, and he’s closer to the center this time. “I was so sad when you got hurt, Viktor. I wish you could skate again. I don’t know what would happen if I couldn’t skate again, but I know I wouldn’t be okay up here.” He presses his finger a little harder into Viktor’s forehead.

Viktor feels his eyes water just a little. He wraps an arm around Yuuri’s shoulders and moves him to sitting upright. “I’m doing a lot better,” Viktor says, and he means it. It had taken a lot, but Viktor had eventually learned to live off the ice. “Thank you for asking.”

Yuuri, still swaying just a little bit after being moved, wraps Viktor into a hug. “Good,” he says, and it’s a little watery and very genuine. “I thought so. I watched your videos and you seemed better, but I wanted to make sure.” He giggles a little bit, but maintains his hug. “I mean, I didn’t think I would ever get to make sure because I don’t know you, but now I can.”

“I’m so good now, Yuuri,” Viktor says as he gently, awkwardly returns the hug. Yuuri has his arms trapped, and it’s a little bit of a struggle to get them free, but he manages it and folds Yuuri against his chest for a second. “Thank you,” he says into Yuuri’s hair.

After another moment, they pull apart. “Hey,” Yuuri says, listing to the side without Viktor to hold onto. “Watch me, okay? I have a competition next weekend. Watch me.”

Viktor nods, and Yuuri makes a happy sound.

“I’ll be skating for you,” he says.

Viktor is shocked, then beaming, then completely empty of Yuuri too soon as Phichit returns.

“All right, Yuuri, let’s go,” he says, hoisting Yuuri up and tossing his hoodie back to him. “I already called an Uber, so you have three minutes to get it together before we have to go.”

Viktor gets Yuuri a glass of water while Phichit gathers their things. Yuuri wiggles a little while he drinks it, and is then being shuffled out the door by Phichit.

“Nice to meet you, Viktor!” Phichit says over his shoulder as they go.

If Yuuri says anything, Viktor doesn’t hear it.

Viktor goes to an art gallery with Yuri and Otabek, looking at the art that Yuri’s classmates have on display and for sale. As it turns out, Yuri had skipped the opening of the gallery in favor of the drunken video game kickback at Otabek’s, and Viktor honestly can’t blame him. As great of an artist as Yuri is, he’s never been one for schmoozing, and that seems to be all that’s happening here. Viktor pulls Otabek away when Yuri runs into someone he knows and gets caught up in conversation.

Viktor likes Otabek, really. It’s clear that he balances Yuri out and is a calming influence, and he speaks Russian, which not only makes wrangling Yuri easier, but shit talking as well. Viktor likes Otabek, which is exactly why he pulls Otabek now.

“How old are you, Otabek?” Viktor asks in Russian.

“Excuse me?” Otabek’s face stays completely passive as usual.

“How old? I’m just curious.”

“Twenty-one at the end of the month.”

“And Leo and Yuuri and Phichit?”

“Leo and Phichit are twenty, and Yuuri will be 24 next month. Why?” Otabek finally questions. He’s not putting up a fight, and doesn’t even seem genuinely curious. It seems like he just thinks he has to ask.

“Oh, no reason,” Viktor says lightly, plastering his friendliest smile for the public on his face. “I was just wondering how Yuri got to know all of you when none of you would be in the same classes, since you’re all older.”

“Ah,” Otabek says, then doesn’t tell Viktor. Viktor swears his lack of an answer must be deliberate; Yuri would never befriend someone who wasn’t at least a little bit of an asshole.

“Well?” Viktor prompts. “How did you meet Yuuri?”

“He’s roommates with Leo. Leo and I used to skate together, and Leo is friends with Phichit, so when Leo found out that Yuri used to skate, he invited us all to the rink where Phichit and Yuuri train.”

It’s the most Viktor has heard Otabek say since meeting him, but he appreciates it. “Thank you,” he says because he feels obligated to do so. A slow smile spreads across his face. “You know, to show how much I appreciate you looking out for Yuri, let me tell you something,” he says conspiratorially.

Otabek raises an eyebrow, which is a more enthused response than Viktor has gotten out of him up to this point.

“When Yuri was younger,” Viktor starts, then looks around to see if anyone is trying to eavesdrop just in time to see Yuri’s blind fury before his hand is around Viktor’s throat.

“Whatever you’re going to say,” he says lowly, “I recommend rethinking it if you value your life.”

“Next time, then!” Viktor says chipperly once Yuri lets him go. He rubs at his throat.

Yuri shoots him a death glare, but from behind him, Otabek mouths next time.

When Viktor gets back to Russia, far enough that he knows Yuri won’t be able to judge him, he looks up everything he can on Katsuki Yuuri.

For the first year after his accident, Viktor had purposely avoided all things skating. He still heard about things, of course, but he spent his time in physical therapy practicing walking without a walker or cane, not worried about trying to balance on skates or which blade to land on after a jump. He hadn’t wanted to remind himself of what he would never do again, so he avoided watching competitions or keeping up with scores or anything related to competition at all unless it was for some of his friends. He didn’t bother following anyone new, even once he felt comfortable skating for fun again.

If he had continued to compete, or if he had chosen early retirement instead of having it forced upon him, Viktor is certain he would have followed Yuuri’s journey.

He’s heading into his first competition of the Grand Prix Series, where he’ll make his comeback after a disastrous performance at last year’s final and a broken ankle that kept him off the ice for months. While Viktor’s injury had been career-ending, Yuuri describes his in interviews as embarrassing and motivating.

“I let my life distract me so much from my skating that I was injured, which negatively impacted both,” Viktor reads in one article. “It’s difficult and embarrassing to have fallen this far, but I’ve decided I want to try one more time for all the people who have supported me through this. I hope to show them that everything I do is for them.”

Viktor watches Yuuri’s programs from the year before, both his qualifiers and at the final, and is shocked to see the dramatic difference between Yuri’s mostly clean and beautifully-emotional qualifier free program and his messy, numb performance at the final.

The commentator declares that the next jump is supposed to be a quad-triple combination, but in its place comes a rough fall, gasps from the commentators, and Yuri’s powerful attempt to finish the program despite obvious pain.

Viktor closes out the video, trying to reconcile the image he has in his head of a slightly snarky Yuuri enjoying Yuri’s anger with the fumbling mess that Viktor saw on ice, the affectionate but loud and lewd Yuuri of one or two or five drinks too many with the polite, nervous Yuuri of interviews. At its best, it comes together to form a beautiful, talented skater whose programs leave the audience aching for just another glimpse, just a moment longer; at worst, they leave behind the hollow-eyed remnants of a skater who drinks his way through social interactions.

Viktor doesn’t feel like he knows either of those people.

He finds Yuuri’s YouTube channel, slightly awkward with the knowledge that Yuuri has apparently seen some of his videos, but accepts that he knew what he was doing when he started a channel. Almost none of Yuuri’s content has anything to do with figure skating, but is instead him playing video games with Phichit, which explains why he was so much better than everyone else at their dumb drinking game. His channel goes back a few years, starting just a few months before Yuuri’s senior debut and aligning perfectly with when Yuuri moved to Detroit to skate. It doesn’t seem like he posts on a schedule, but he seems to have at least one for every two weeks, sometimes more. Viktor clicks on an earlier one where he and Phichit take turns playing a dating simulator, and Viktor is entirely charmed at how confidently Yuuri makes ridiculous choices when designing his character, but how easily he gets flustered when Phichit tries to direct them to the dating part of the dating sim.

“Yuuri! You aren’t trying to make friends with them, you’re trying to sleep with them!”

Yuuri’s face goes noticeably red on screen, and his shoulders stiffen. “What’s wrong with being friendly to someone you want to sleep with?”

Several hours later, Viktor pulls himself out of a spiral of content and into the living room. He opens the doors to the storage in his TV stand and smiles.

Well, he might as well.

“Good morning, amazing people! Today I’m doing something a little bit different, inspired by a few of Katsuki Yuuri’s videos with Phichit Chulanont. I’ve never done a video like this before, so I hope it works! If you like it, I may make it a series of me trying to play games I’ve never played before. We’ll see!”

Viktor isn’t lying. He really hopes it works. He didn’t have any of these games just lying around, and he spent far too much money getting them, but at the very least, it should be fun. It’s chaotic and he knows it, but it was cheaper than buying another ticket to Detroit.

Of course, during the create-a-character section at the beginning of the game, he makes it far more like a makeup and fashion tutorial than it needs to be, but the subscribers come to his channel for the content he produces, so he should probably stay on brand.

When he uploads the video, which is mostly him being a disaster and making all the datable characters dislike him (which, how? There’s only three dialogue options at a time, so how does he always choose the wrong one?), he tags it with Yuuri’s channel and Phichit’s name. He also tags them both in his Instagram post promoting his new upload, just in case.

Two days later and the video has done moderately well with just about average metrics for his usual videos, and Yuri has texted him telling him to chill the fuck out and not to tag anyone he knows in videos again.

I thought you didn’t watch anything I post, Viktor sends. He gets several messages of just middle finger emojis in response.

Viktor still hasn’t heard from Yuuri, though, so he doesn’t quite count it as a success.

He foregoes a video game upload for the next week, uploading instead a few Halloween makeup tutorials. He has fun doing them, though Makkachin isn’t overly fond of posing as Viktor’s sidekick for some of the shots. The makeup videos do better than the video game one, but that usually happens around this time of year anyway. His old tutorials are getting more views lately, too, so he can’t really be disheartened by it, but he really wants an excuse to post another video game video.

After a few days, Viktor has still heard nothing from Yuuri, but he tries not to dwell on it. He knows it’s competition season, and he knows exactly how much energy Yuuri doesn’t have to spend on social media.

He also knows exactly when Yuuri’s performances are, because he has alarms set to watch them live. He plans on taking a midday nap today so that he’ll stay awake for the performance that Yuuri has just after midnight.

Viktor considers making a video of him reacting to watching Yuuri’s performances, but he decides that’s too weird.

(He’s glad he doesn’t, because it might be too revealing how enthusiastically Viktor cheers when Yuuri lands a quad loop in free.)

The day after Yuuri’s free program, Viktor posts a picture to his Instagram story wishing Otabek a happy birthday, which immediately ends up on Otabek’s own story with a “thank you” and nothing else.

Yuuri still doesn’t contact Viktor, which, okay, he never said he would, but he did say he would be skating for him, which seems like it should mean something. But apparently not, which is totally fine with Viktor, absolutely.

Viktor should have gotten Yuri’s number.

The week before the Rostelecom Cup, Viktor uploads a video of him playing another simulator. This time, he designs a house for simulated versions of himself and Makkachin and Yuri and Yuri’s cats, then purposely makes Yuri a bad at everything and prone to burning things down by accident. He tags Yuri’s art channel in it.

(“You’re not funny,” Yuri says when he calls Viktor.

“Maybe not to you,” Viktor says, thrilled by how furious Yuri is that he can’t hit Viktor through the phone. “I made you pretty, at least.”

“You gave me purple eyeshadow, Viktor. What’s the point of being a makeup artist if you’re going to give people purple eyeshadow. Fuck you.”)

Yuuri doesn’t respond to this video, either, but a new upload does go up on his channel two days later. In it, Phichit is playing the same simulator, finding creative and horrible ways to kill his characters until Yuuri walks in, horrified.

“Phichit! Stop drowning people!”

Not only does Phichit not stop drowning people, he also tries to flirt with the grim reaper.

Viktor is inspired. His version of the video, where he and Yuri compete to the death but Yuri loses almost every time, is uploaded and tagged with Phichit and Yuuri the morning before Rostelecom.

Which is perfect, because Viktor has a train to Moscow to catch.

Viktor had just wanted to see a competition again, that’s all. Since his accident, he hasn’t seen a live competition, and he thinks it’s about time that he accepts that the figure skating world was going to move on without him one day, anyway.

It’s absolutely just a coincidence that Katsuki Yuuri happens to be competing at the one he chooses to go to.

It makes sense, of course, that if Viktor was going to drop money on tickets to a competition it would be the one in Moscow. His parents still live there, after all, so it’s a great place for him to spend a few days. It also just so happens to be that Yuuri’s final qualifier before the final is the Rostelecom Cup. And that Viktor only bought tickets to the men’s singles events.

Viktor has another old friend from his years in competition here, too, so it just makes sense that he would come to this event.

He drops his bags at his parents’ apartment, then goes to breathe in Moscow. He doesn’t come here nearly enough.

Almost immediately after posting a picture from his favorite cafe in the Moscow twilight, Vikor receives a call from Yuri.

“The fuck are you doing in Moscow?”

“The heck are you doing awake?” Viktor asks, matching his energy and mocking his tone.

“I have a class in an hour, don’t avoid the question. Why are you in Moscow?”

“I can’t just visit home?” Viktor asks cheerily. “You should do it more often, Yura, mom and dad would love to have you around, and I’m sure your grandfather would love to see you, too.”

“You pay for my plane tickets, then. But I know you aren’t visiting home, asshole, so what the fuck are you doing?”

Viktor sighs exaggeratedly. “Well, if you must know, Chris is competing here in the morning, and I thought it might be nice to visit him.”

Yuri is quiet for a moment. “...no,” he finally says.

“No what?”

“Beka was right,” he says, which Viktor really wishes he could have recorded to keep forever.

“What?” it takes Viktor a second to catch up, realizing that by that pig Yuri means Yuuri and not Chris, by which point, Yuri is already blazing on.

“He said he saw you two being all gross and stuff when I fell asleep but I ignored him, Yuuri is just an idiot when he’s drunk—well, he’s always an idiot, but you know, more of an idiot—he tried to challenge me to a dance battle once, so I really thought that even if you were being all gross and stuff, any dancing really would have stopped this from becoming a thing, because his dancing is terrible, but no, you really do have a thing for that dumb pig, don’t you?”

Yuri clearly isn’t asking the question for an answer, but he does make the mistake of pausing for breath, during which Viktor takes the time to say as brightly as possible, “maybe if you didn’t get so drunk that you passed out on your boyfriend, you could have stopped this from happening!” 

Viktor waits just long enough to hear Yuri’s spluttered “what—we’re not—” before hanging up on him.

Viktor is at the event early the next morning, hoping to use the time before the competition actually starts to get used to the feel of a rink again. It isn’t as bad he expected. Hearing the familiar announcements and the scrape of blades on ice and the click of blades landing after jumps fills him with more nostalgia than anything else.

From his seat in the stands, he manages to get a somewhat-blurry picture of the men’s warmups that has both Chris and Yuuri in it, though not super clearly. He accompanies it with other pictures of the stadium when he hears a few concerned noises from some of the people milling around him. When he turns, he sees Yuuri righting himself after having clearly fallen on the ice.

Viktor goes still, looking for any of the telltale signs of significant injury, but Yuuri seems fine, though a little out of his head. Viktor watches for another quiet minute until the announcement clearing skaters from the ice sounds.

He wants to watch all of the performers, but he has time before either Yuuri or Chris goes on, so he takes a second to post his pictures to Instagram. I’ve missed this, he captions the shots of the ice and the advertisements and the kiss-and-cry, the last picture in the group being the one he took of the warmups. He tags both Yuuri and Chris in it.

After the short program, Yuuri ends up in fourth, Chris in second, with some younger kid that skates like ice all over the world belongs to him is in first.

When he’s in his old, tiny bed in his parents’ house that evening, considering whether he should move some of the stuff in Yuri’s room around just to piss him off when he comes back for his winter holidays, Viktor absentmindedly checks Instagram for the thirtieth time that day. He had already had an entire conversation with Chris in the comments section of his post determining that they would meet up at the end of the event before Chris’s flight leaves, and Viktor is actually looking forward to seeing him in person for the first time in several years.

In his notifications is an almost-insignificant sentence telling him that Yuuri has liked his post.

Before the free skate the next day, Yuuri doesn’t flub any of his practice jumps, and Viktor spots him chatting comfortably with his coach for a moment just before the first skater takes the ice.

Viktor’s phone buzzes in his hand with a message from Yuri. stop being gross, it says. When he looks up again, Yuuri is gone.

Yuuri performs beautifully when it’s his turn, and he cries at the kiss-and-cry when his scores are announced. He’s pretty much guaranteed a spot in the final.

Chris also snags a spot in the final, but that’s no surprise. He’s made it to every final for the past four years. That doesn’t stop Viktor from giving him a bouquet when he finds him after the event.

“Congratulations, Chris!”

“Thank you,” he says as he absentmindedly touches the silver medal around his neck. “It hasn’t been the same without you. How have you been? I haven’t seen you in so long.”

“I’ve been doing really well,” Viktor says, actually somewhat surprised with the accuracy of it, then beams at Chris. “Is it different because it’s easier for you to medal with me gone?”

Chris smirks back at him. “I would have beaten you eventually,” he says. “Come on, let me go change and drop this off at the hotel before we go out.”

“At least take me to dinner first,” Viktor says, and he’d forgotten how easy being friends with Chris was.

“I’m trying,” Chris says with a wink, and Viktor laughs with his whole body. He can’t believe he may have let these sorts of friendships die.

They make easy banter on the way back to the hotel, talking as if barely any time has passed at all, and Viktor realizes, somewhat sadly, that when you travel as much as he used to for competitions, maybe four years isn’t really that big of a gap when you only see someone three or four times a year anyway.

The doors to the hotel elevator are closing when Viktor sees someone approaching. He sticks his foot in the doorway to stop it from closing while continuing his conversation with Chris, who turns to greet the newcomer.

“Yuuri! Congratulations!”

“You, too. Thanks, Chris,” Yuuri says genuinely, eyes a little puffy from crying, but clearly in a good way. He turns and looks at Viktor as the elevator doors close. “Oh.”

“Congrats, Yuuri! I’ll watch you at the final!” Viktor says. He isn’t sure how else to make it clear that he’s here specifically because of Yuuri.

“Thank you,” Yuuri says, quieter than before.

“Yuuri, we’re going to dinner after I drop some things off in my room,” Chris tells him. “Would you like to join us?”

“Oh, uh,” Yuuri says, looking down, then back and forth between Chris and Viktor. “Um, yeah, that would be nice,” he decides as the doors open on his floor.

“Meet in the lobby in twenty!” Chris says as Yuuri steps off the elevator.

“Yeah,”  Yuuri gets out before the doors close.

The elevator is quiet for a moment, then Chris breaks it with, “You know him.” It’s not a question.

“I do,” Viktor agrees easily.

“How?”

“He trains where Yura goes to school,” Viktor says. “They know each other.”

“Hm.” Chris is quiet until the elevator dings their arrival to his floor. “You like him,” Chris says.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Viktor says, extremely grateful to be getting off the elevator. He walks forward and out of the small alcove the elevators are housed in, then realizes he has no idea which direction he needs to go. He stops.

Behind him, Christophe snorts. “Sure. Left.”

Viktor turns and starts walking.

“He likes you, too,” Chris says.

“What was that?” Viktor asks in Russian. “I don’t speak English.”

Chris switches to French for a few colorful phrases, then back to English. “You’ll see him in a few minutes anyway, so you’ll figure it out,” he says, finally stepping in front of Viktor. “Here, it’s this one,” he says as he stops in front of a door.

“I’m not the one who needs to figure it out,” he says, then pushes Chris into the room. “Get yourself together so we can go, hurry up.”

“Easy,” Chris says, but obliges anyway.

When they get back downstairs, Yuuri is already waiting for them.

“Hey, Yuuri,” Chris says easily. “Is there anything in particular you want to eat? Viktor is from around here, so just let him know and he’ll take us to a place.”

“Uh, no, not really,” Yuuri says. “I kind of just want to try whatever local thing is best.”

“Do you mind a little bit of a walk?” Viktor asks them both, who both shake their heads no. “Okay, perfect. I know a great traditional place a little less than twenty minutes from here.”

Five minutes into their walk there, Chris pats his pockets. “Damn,” he says, “I think I left my wallet upstairs. I’m going to go grab it, you two go on without me! I’ll meet you there!”

“Are you sure? We could walk back with you, it isn’t that far,” Yuuri offers.

“No, it’s fine! Viktor, can you message me the place?”

Viktor glares at him but agrees as Chris takes off back towards the hotel. “Give me a second,” he tells Yuuri as he pulls up the location of the restaurant and shares it with Chris. “Okay.”

They walk in silence for a second before Yuuri asks, “How have you been?”

“Oh, great!” Viktor says genuinely. “I’m working on some new things for the channel that combine my usual stuff with other media, and I’m enjoying it a lot. How are you?”

“Yeah, I’ve seen some of that,” Yuuri says vaguely, “and I’m really good. Nervous. Excited about the final.”

“Nervous?” Viktor asks as his phone buzzes in his hand. “Oh, that—” he cuts himself off as he looks at Chris’s message.

Definitely didn’t leave my wallet, it reads, but you can tell him I think I left it at rink. Good luck! ;)

“What’s going on?” Yuuri asks.

“Chris is an idiot.”

“What happened?” Yuuri seems genuinely concerned.

“He left his wallet at the rink,” Viktor says, surprising himself. The smile he gives Yuuri is far too wide and is brittle at the edges. He’s going to kill Chris. “He says to go on without him.”

“Oh.”

“Do you just want to go back?” Viktor asks. Yuuri had agreed to dinner with Chris, after all, and not with him.

“No! It’s okay,” Yuuri says. “Let’s keep moving, it’s cold.”

“How’s Yuri?” Yuuri asks after another few moments of walking in silence.

“You tell me,” Viktor says. “You see him more than I do.”

“Just because I see him more doesn’t mean I talk to him more. He trusts you.”

Viktor sighs. “I hope so. He doesn’t always tell me how he is when he calls, but I think he’s doing well. He’s got more friends than he did when he was growing up, and he complains about the classes, which means he’s actually learning something.” Viktor pauses for a moment, considering. “Can you do me a favor?”

“Yeah?”

“If you ever notice Yuri acting way off, can you let me know? I mean,” Viktor interrupts himself, “you don’t have to, like, keep tabs on him or anything, but if you ever notice something really wrong.”

“I mean, of course,” Yuuri says, “but I won’t have to.”

Viktor looks over at him. “What do you mean?”

Yuuri stops walking. “You know, the night I met you, Yuri kept glancing over at you, and at first I thought it was because he didn’t want you there because he’s around his friends and suddenly you’re there, but then I realized that he was looking out for you.” He pauses like he’s waiting for Viktor to say something, and when he doesn’t, he continues, “he made sure to angle himself so you were always included in the group and everything.”

“Huh,” Viktor says, and he smiles softly at the idea of Yuri trying to be protective.

“And Viktor,” Yuuri says, suddenly more serious. “I’ve seen that video of when he tells you that he’s officially your adopted brother.” It’s been almost a year since Viktor posted that video, but it’s still his favorite. “Why do you think he went through that trouble with your parents when he was already seventeen? He didn’t have to do that, and I’m sure no one could have forced him to if he didn’t want to. But he surprised you with it. Because he wants you to know that he loves you, and he trusts you, and he wants you in his life.”

At that, Viktor laughs. “Try telling him that,” he says. “Make sure Phichit sends me the video of Yura beating you to death when you do.”

Yuuri smiles. “But you see what I mean, right?” he says, then turns to keep walking. “Don’t worry about him too much. If he needs you, he’ll let you know. In his own way.”

“Yeah,” Viktor agrees. “Can I ask you a different favor, then?” He feels Yuuri’s slightly concerned glance, then continues, “even if you aren’t letting me know how he’s doing, call me sometime?”

“Oh, uh.” Yuuri shuffles a little as he walks, looking at the ground. “Yeah,” he says. “I’d like that.”

Yuuri’s flight is early the next morning, but they spend several long hours of the night staying up, talking about how different their lives are now than what they expected years ago, about the things they enjoy that aren’t their professions, about the music they’ve been listening to on repeat and what food they’re most excited to eat when they get home. They talk through the restaurant and shops and all the way back to Yuuri’s hotel room, where they settle in and talk more.

Viktor finally leaves Yuuri’s room about three hours before Yuuri needs to leave for his flight.

“Text me when you land,” Viktor tells him, leaning his forehead against Yuuri’s and breathing him in.

“I will.”

“Fly safe,” Viktor says as he pulls away from Yuuri, then brings Yuuri’s hand to his mouth and gently kisses his knuckles. “I’ll be sure to watch you at the final.”

It’s a full day later before Viktor receives confirmation that Yuuri has made it to Detroit, but he doesn’t mind that. It’s worth it for the picture he gets of a jetlagged Yuuri with Yuri, Otabek, and Phichit in the background with a big banner that says “Congratulations, Yuuri!” Phichit has a tinier sheet of paper that, thanks two a second photo that comes in, Viktor can see says, “On gettin’ the guy!”

Yuuri sends one final picture of Yuri making a gross face at Phichit’s smaller poster, and he loves it. Absolutely worth the wait.

[withfeelingoncemore]

made the mistake of looking thru photos from freshman year and even though my life is significantly better in almost every measurable way this is still Big Sad Hours because I lost one of the best friends I’ve ever had and I still don’t fully understand why!!!

basically we met at improv tryouts (LMAO) and when he got up to audition I was like “there’s no way this hot guy is gonna be funny” and then he WAS THE FUNNIEST and when he sat back down I was like “maybe the funny guy isn’t as hot as I thought” BUT! HE! WAS! so I was like “ok this is so out of character but I have to talk to this manses as soon as the tryouts are over” and so I DID (after I lowkey slayed) and he thought I was funny too!!!! (dont think he thought I was hot tho lmao) and basically we became best friends, like, immediately, and by second semester we were inseparable, literally hanging out every day and getting dinner off campus every weekend (with our dumbass third wheel friend who lived on his floor and occasionally my friend who I adored and who he also got along great with). and we were gonna live together! in a big house with a bunch of his other friends! was I dealing with some unresolved romantic feelings for him??? in hindsight, most definitely!!!! but I SQUASHED those bad boys because me and G* got along so so well, he was literally my best friend at school. people constantly asked us if we were dating, and I had to pretend it bothered me.

then sophomore year started and G and I are still Thick As Thieves, esp. now that we live down the hall from each other! are my unresolved romantic feelings becoming more apparent??? oh you betcha!!! did I have full-on crises when G came home drunk from parties, pulled me into his arms, and whispered how much he loved me (As A Friend) ?!!? OH YOU CAN COUNT ON IT ! but I SQUASHED THOSE BAD BOYS DOWN because now in addition to being my best friend he is my HOUSEMATE! but then golly gee whilickers turns out some of our other housemates are doing uhhhhh cocaine??? and also growing mushrooms??? and it already hadn’t been the best living situation, but I thought hey, I can deal with how dirty this place is and how our landlord just comes in unannounced and the fact that half of the residents smoke weed in and around the house every day, making the whole place smell like one of snoop dogg’s baseball caps. turns out I draw the line at cocaine on a wednesday!!! I promptly moved the fuck out and almost as SOON as that happened, G dropped me as a friend.

I tried to pretend it wasn’t happening, but soon it was obvious. I moved in mid-august 2016, moved out early october 2016, and by G’s birthday in late november, when I was enlisted to help plan a surprise party for him, it was clear I wasn’t really welcome there. even though I paid my remainder of the rent FOR THE YEAR AND! got someone to take over the lease, apparently I was still a pariah. in december, right before winter break, I went over to the house I left to confront him about how he wasn’t answering my texts and never wanted to hang out anymore. I cried and unloaded all the mental health problems I’d kept secret from him over the years in my efforts to be the Good Time Funny Friend he’d met at improv tryouts over a year ago. he was completely unemotional and insisted he hadn’t been hanging out with everyone, that next semester would be different when he wasn’t so busy.

it wasn’t. it was never the same.

I’d had clues prior to that--he stayed in town the summer after freshman year and we only hung out like two times, and he often didn’t answer my texts, and he got frustrated whenever I talked about my guy problems (even though I let him talk about his random hookups as much as he wanted) or expressed any inkling of my depression or anxiety. I guess, basically, that he wanted a sexless clown, and while 18-year-old me was, basically, a sexless clown, it still wasn’t good enough for him.

I don’t think about him much anymore. in february of 2018 I went to go see him in a comedy show--he’s kind of starting to blow up on the web comedy scene--and my heart stopped. his girlfriend was there, the girlfriend he’s now been dating for over a year. she’s a musician, like me. I try not to let that make me want to vomit.

when I met G, part of me thought I’d met my future husband. my parents met in college, and the instant chemistry I had with him made me think I’d met my soulmate, too. losing him, even though we were “just friends,” is probably the worst heartbreak of my life. we haven’t spoken a single word to each other since august 2017, when I forced myself to go to a party I knew he was attending, where we tried to exchange pleasantries but it just made me realize how uncrossably far we’d drifted apart. on halloween this year, we made eye contact on campus and we both pretended like we hadn’t. I forced myself not to cry.

our friendship wasn’t deep in the way my current friendships are. he didn’t give me advice or offer much in the way of emotional support. but he made me laugh harder than anyone I’ve ever met, and it seemed like I did the same for him. he included me in absolutely everything, even when it seemed like other people didn’t particularly want me around. he believed in me. we talked about religion and politics and music and comedy constantly. we shared so many of the same views; when we didn’t, we always debated each other respectfully. and he always wanted to hang out. if he wasn’t doing something else, he was ready for a comedy show or a dinner or just shooting the shit in his room. I remember when the bon iver record came out, and we laid on his bed, listening to it on his record player. I remember when he invited me to a theme party at his fraternity, and we left together, early, because fuck that noise, and it started to rain so he let me cover my hair with his jacket, even though it was cold. I remember that he was my plus-one to a couples costume party because the boy I had a crush on was already going with someone, and he agreed to be the peanut butter to my chocolate. I remember shooting the short film I wrote together, the film he promised to edit but didn’t (CLASSIC SAGITTARIUS IN CASE YOU HADN’T INFERRED THAT YET), but that seemed so full of hope at the time. I remember almost getting hit by a car in an alley once, I remember seeing one of my favorite (now disgraced) comedians together at the forum, I remember going to see him do improv every week at the on-campus coffee shop, I remember falling asleep in his dorm and him letting me stay there while he ran out to get something done. I remember encouraging him to follow the dream that he’s succeeding at right now. I remember him doing the same for me.

[hellforcertain]

i like how one of the few reasons i can pinpoint when about i got sick is that i can use snowmageddon (late 2014/early 2015) as a starting point 

this is really long and i’d appreciate you not reblogging this but i don’t think i’ve ever written any of this out, and i would keep it private somewhere else but i kinda want to feel idk. validated? i never really put it into words like this until now. would also appreciate if you respond to this in some way (either a like or a reply) if you read it.

[cw for suicidal ideation in one part; skip the paragraph that begins “at some point that spring...”, after i talk abt my grandpa, if you don’t want to read it. it’s referenced in the next paragraph too. idk if there’s anything else i really need to warn for, but tell me if i do.]

i injured my knee thanksgiving 2013, when i was a sophomore. i was hiking in the hills around my parents’ house with some of my cousins, and it had snowed recently so everything was slick and slippery, and at one point my feet slid out from under me and i tumbled down an incline until my right knee connected with a tree. that thankfully stopped my fall but like, at what cost.

it was so bad that jo had to half-support me walking the couple blocks from our dorms to tufts to have an x-ray done in december 2013, which had been recommended by emerson’s health center (which was a joke; when i saw... i think an NP, she had to flip through a book until she found the “knee” section before she examined me). i couldn’t attend several classes of one of my courses the rest of that semester bcos it was in the building furthest from my dorm and i could barely walk there; i barely made it to the final. i never heard from the health center about the x-ray, so i figured that at least it wasn’t broken. it still bothered me but it became more manageable than it had been (not entirely tho bcos iirc i failed or didn’t complete two courses spring 2014, but that was also bcos of the undiagnosed adhd).

i moved directly into the studio from my sophomore dorm in may 2014, and lived there until june 2015 (which encompassed my junior year until i dropped out in november 2014).

my parents wanted me to fly down to spend a week in florida with them in august 2014, and i think this is what happened: the morning before i left on that flight i rolled off my futon badly and banged my bad knee against the (hardwood) floor really hard. i was in pain for a lot of that trip -- flying certainly didn’t help matters -- and when i got back it didn’t get better so i bought a cane a couple weeks before classes started back so i could get used to it before i had to use it to get to class.

(at the end of that trip, my mom forced me to let her clean out my ear with a qtip, jabbed it in too far and fucked up my ear, and then the next day i got on a plane back to boston and the issue got so bad i couldn’t walk down the street without holding onto a wall. i don’t think my eardrum burst or anything because it was better by the time i actually got to see a specialist about it and i haven’t suffered any permanent effects from it as far as i can tell, but at times it felt like it.)

i bought a cane in mid august 2014, and i know bcos i ordered it off amazon. the florida trip might have been in mid august, so there’s a possibility i banged my knee on the floor before the florida trip, and bought the cane when i realized i wouldn’t be able to walk in florida without it.

i know i reinjured my knee in august 2014, and i know i bought a cane then, and i know i also damaged my eardrum in august 2014 when i was in florida (well, my mom damaged it). i’m not sure exactly what order those took place in.

it got worse as the semester progressed, and i started doing less and less well in my courses, because not only was i dealing with the still-undiagnosed adhd, i was also in a lot of pain all the time. i remember making the conscious decision to stop going to my spanish class bcos the professor would have us stand up and walk around the class and talk to each other a lot and i couldn’t manage standing up for even that long, and i was so scattered and so fucked up from middle & high school that i couldn’t ask for help and the easier option was just to stop attending. i made the decision to go on medical leave late that semester -- probably in november or december 2014, i can’t remember which. there was the death of a family friend who i had been close to around that time too, and i was in too much pain and too swamped with trying to catch up on all these courses i hadn’t been attending to fly to florida and attend her funeral, which was another stone on top of all the others weighing me down (when i told my parents i had dropped out, i told them that it was her death that sent me into a breakdown, which wasn’t entirely a lie; i just didn’t tell them i’d been having a breakdown for months up until then).

i started getting sick and feeling pain that i couldn’t explain at all -- sure, i knew why my knee hurt, but i didn’t know why my joints were stiff and painful, and why i was hurting randomly separately from the joint pain. it got so bad that some days i had to crawl to get to the bathroom, and it was only a handful of steps away from my bed. i stopped doing my t shots bcos it was too much effort when i hurt so much already -- it got to the point that my periods started back up again, though i only had them very rarely. i think the only thing i managed to do was go to my shifts as desk guy in one of the dorms on campus.

when i went to visit my parents at some point, my mom thought it was just bcos i needed to get in shape and lose some weight to lessen the stress on my bad knee. tbh i don’t know when that happened, i just knew it was when i was still a student bcos i went to the gym once with a friend and it was really fuckin painful and terrible and just made everything worse. she might have said that when we were in florida, actually. idk.

living in the studio meant i lived totally alone, but jo was there a lot bcos i had an extra bed (i’d bought a loft bed bcos i wanted one and had never had one as a kid and this place had high ceilings, but i’d also bought a futon for cheap off a guy who was moving out of the building, which turned out to be a real blessing when i couldn’t make it up the ladder to the loft bed; when jo stayed at the computer labs late working on projects, they’d come crash on my loft bed bcos my building was near campus and by the time the labs closed, the t had stopped running) and i made kinda-friends with the security desk guy

that fall and winter i’d say i saw delivery guys more often than i saw my own friends (bcos i literally couldn’t handle the walking that grocery shopping would have required, and i didn’t know abt grocery delivery services at the time. idk if they were even a thing at the time). all “groceries” were bought at the cvs down the block, bcos they had things like butter and shredded cheese and tortillas (i ate a lot of tortillas that year) and pre-cut fruit, and the walgreens across the street from cvs had frozen burger patties that i think set off the smoke alarm every time i cooked them; anything else i ate was from delivery guys. i dissociated a lot that year, very very badly, and some delusional tendencies i’d had in high school came rearing back up. 

bcos i couldn’t do much else i threw myself into this site (esp on one of my sideblogs), and if you look at the amount of stuff i reblogged/posted then vs now you’d see that i had p much no other life. which was... not good but i also made some really good and valuable friendships then -- including em so like, not everything from then turned out bad. sadly, a lot of irl friendships stagnated, and it wasn’t the other party’s fault. i also played a lot of skyrim bcos it was one of like. two games i owned for my ps3, and even though the rest of me hurt a lot, my hands were surprisingly okay.

(i also went through a series of nb identities and pronouns that never really fit bcos that was the heyday of tumblr’s whole “if ur a trans man ur evil for wanting to be a man, u should be nb instead” phase and i was far too concerned with all that bcos like i said, i didn’t have much of a life outside this site at the time.)

i don’t recall much of thanksgiving or christmas breaks at my parents’, except that i got my name legally changed during i think christmas break 2014. iirc we had to reschedule my flight back to boston bcos i had to wait an extra day to be able to get everything done that i needed to, and bcos we needed to change the name on the flight. i remember crying at some official bcos they said that they couldn’t get me a new... driver’s license maybe? until a couple days down the road, but i had to be back for college by then and i have everything else done please just let me get my license today. and since it’s a small town in the south they totally folded, thankfully. i was just very stressed at that point, i hadn’t even meant to cry at them.

then snowmageddon happened in early 2015, and classes were cancelled and roads were closed and the t like, half shut down until like may. it was especially bad for me because most of my friends were in allston and they couldn’t exactly get downtown to hang out with me much. iirc, my friend who was an RA left college around the same time i did, maybe a few months before? i think i was still working desk shifts when they left, so it had to have been before i did.

march 2015 was good and bad: during jo’s spring break (and what would have been mine if i had still been in college), we escaped the snow and took their car on a roadtrip down the blue ridge parkway (well. that was the plan but it was closed thanks to the snow, so we drove down I-95 and ended up in asheville nc like two days after our leisurely road trip started. i turned 21 on that roadtrip, and so no longer had to rely on my friends to buy me alcohol, which was nice. we celebrated it at this local restaurant in whatever town we’d stopped at that night, and all i remember is that you could buy steaks from a counter at the front, and the drink i ordered for myself was incredibly orange.

my grandpa also died that march; he’d actually been dying since february, but i didn’t go to see him then; jo and i were in knoxville tn at one point, and my parents wanted me to drive up since knoxville is only like three hours from my hometown, but by then he was p much in a coma so it wouldn’t really be visiting, would it, and also it would have been mega unfair to drag jo into that mess. iirc his funeral was that april, bcos there was a funeral service at my parents’ church where he occasionally preached at, and then one at the mennonite church he attended after moving in with us, and then they had to get him to ohio for the big service (which was the one i attended).

(this was the grandpa who thought i was possessed by a demon for being trans so like. lmao. didn’t mourn him much then, and still haven’t.)

at some point that spring, after the spring break roadtrip and grandpa’s funeral, my dysphoria got really really really bad, bad enough to trigger the most suicidal episode i’d had since middle school/high school. it was a culmination of the negative thoughts and feelings i’d been having since i moved into this place (which had only worsened as i got sicker and when winter hit). i didn’t do anything, but i had to call a friend every time i left the building for like a week so that i didn’t walk into traffic. 

i moved out of the studio at the end of april or may of 2015, and went back to live with my parents for a bit because the lease for my text apartment didn’t start until september 2015 (since i was living with friends/former classmates who were still in school and weren’t going to be in boston until classes started back up in september). moving out was an Ordeal bcos my dad came up to help me and brought my sister, who hated boston so much that she was on the edge of a panic attack the whole time, which made her impossible to deal with. at one point we got into a fight over something super minor and it escalated and ended with her screaming at the top of her lungs, in my empty echoey studio that had the door open so god and all my neighbors could hear, that she wished i was dead. this was not the first or last time she expressed this sentiment, and was tame compared to some (like the time she said she’d stab me in my sleep). i told her i’d been suicidal weeks earlier and she left the building to go take something to the car and when i didn’t follow her (bcos i was cooling off), she freaked out and had a panic attack all over our dad. she didn’t tell him why, or that she was at fault, and when i came down a few minutes later he ripped into me until i stopped and told him what she had said. so, yknow. a fun final memory of that apartment.

i think that was when my mom finally acknowledged that my pain wasn’t just a weight thing, and that i should actually see someone when i got back to boston. my symptoms got worse too: i started having horrible pain in my hands, to the point that i couldn’t move them, and none of us really knew what to do. i found some compression gloves online and begged my mom to let me get them but she kept refusing because she was worried i’d mess my hands up worse with them, and i still don’t entirely understand that train of thought, because i was like, screaming crying at them because i was hurting so so much, and some compression gloves couldn’t have been worse than that (and i finally pointed out that they were gloves; i could take them off if they were hurting more than helping). they finally relented, thankfully. 

june 2015 was the first time i met em in person; i decided, almost on impulse, to take a week and drive down to florida and spend the week with them bcos they were living with their grandparents at the time and their grandparents were going to be out of town for like a week. they played a lot of fnv on their ps3 while i played don’t starve on my laptop. the place had a guest bedroom that was technically mine, but i don’t think i ever used it except to get changed; we tended to pass out in weird positions on em’s bed. we didn’t get much else done bcos i discovered that florida weather + my joints wasn’t a great combo, but it was still an amazing week.

that same summer i also got fitted for my knee brace. i think that same summer i got some treatments from a sports medicine doctor my mom is friends with. possibly steroid injections? i’d have to ask her. 

i moved into the medford house with some friends in september 2015, and dear lord was that a mess. the roommates were great, don’t get me wrong, but the house had mice we had to take care of, there was a gas leak at one point bcos the stove’s knobs didn’t work right and didn’t shut off the gas when we turned them off, the boiler was a broken leaky piece of shit that would shut itself off every like two days bcos the water level got so low (contrast the place we’re living in now, where we had to go put more water in the boiler maybe like. three times all winter), the landlord and his wife were total creeps and freaks -- he would only respond to my email even though my roommates tried to open lines of communication at various times, and one time i woke up with her in my bedroom bcos she was checking the radiator (which wasn’t working bcos the boiler wasn’t working and they refused to fix or replace it until winter was over) and she had the audacity to chew me out for my space heater. i was fucking sick, lady. give me a fucking break. the best thing, hands down, about the medford place was there was a corner store with a good deli across the street, so i could go in my pajamas to get a good sandwich and a box of fries. great place, great people.

i got referred to a rheumatologist that fall, and my first appointment with him was in november (i also at some point... i think in spring of 2015 started using testogel, because i wouldn’t have been able to get the stuff for injections refilled while i was in kentucky. i don’t remember when i switched back to injections but i did at some point while living at the medford house, which i once again was terrible at keeping up with).

at the time, my deadname was still on my insurance bcos even tho i’d changed my name earlier that year, i was still on my parents’ insurance and my dad wouldn’t fucking change my name there and wouldn’t give me the information to do it myself. my rheumatologist took one look at me and how i was responding to being called my deadname, and he asked if there was another name i went by that i’d be more comfortable with, and i was rarely called my deadname again after that (and only by a couple nurses until they got to know me better). ofc that stopped being an issue when i switched to my own masshealth plan (in early 2017 i think?).

he listened to the whole mess of a story, felt my joints, and then poked at the middle of my chest (which i now know is a common fibro trigger point). when i recoiled back bcos that hurt far more than it should have, he said “yep that looks fibro-y.” i don’t remember if i suggested fibro and/or rheumatoid arthritis, or if he did. he prescribed me some medications -- including tramadol, my savior that winter. i’d been taking tramadol already bcos i’d had some left over from... i think lasik, and a friend had given me some percocet for very bad days. i was so unused to the tramadol back then that it’d throw me for a loop, occasionally make me nauseated, and also knock me out. it was p great.

back then i’d have to ask my roommate danny to open like, water or pop bottles nine times out of ten bcos i just couldn’t. now, i can’t remember the last time i had a serious problem opening bottles on a consistent basis. there have been some bad days where i couldn’t, but it’s not like that’s all the time.

i improved in fits and starts after that; i can’t remember all the meds i tried with him, but i’m sure they’re in a file somewhere that i could request. i still wasn’t doing anywhere near good, but it was better than before -- if only, maybe, bcos i wasn’t dealing with this totally on my own. but you know what didn’t help? that house’s terrible fucking boiler. we’d wake up some days in the middle of winter and it’d be in the 50s inside the house, and i was the only one who knew how to fix the boiler (i’d taught the roommates, including the subletter we got when danny left for a semester in LA, but apparently the only one who could go down the stairs to take care of it was the fuckin cripple).

spring 2016 was awesome bcos i’d gotten a ps4 and destiny for christmas, and the subletter we got had two cats who i loved and who loved me, and everything was beautiful even tho i definitely still hurt a lot. i can’t remember much of note during this period, health-wise. it was mostly more of the same, but on top of it was trying to balance playing a shooter and having shitty hands that didn’t want me down anything with them.

summer 2016, when i was still in the medford house, em came to visit me (among other people -- they roadtripped up over the course of a couple weeks) and spent several days there. i had plans to take them to do touristy stuff in boston, but that never happened haha. and like we don’t have a solid date on when we got together bcos long-distance stuff can be fuzzy about things like that but that visit was our first kiss.

in september 2016 i moved into the allston apartment, and the less i say about that the better. i started back with a therapist in like february 2017; i hadn’t been to a therapist for years by this time, bcos my previous therapist had moved to a different office in the network and then left the area and i had never gotten back in touch with her after she moved to the other office. i also started on testopel, because injections were once again not working out.

that apartment was p much like living in the studio bcos even tho i had two roommates, it was an apartment i’d found in an emerson group centered on finding roommates, so i hadn’t known either of them beforehand; i wasn’t really living with them; we just happened to share some common spaces. health-wise i improved some as we found medications that worked for me, but i was still not doing even close to good. i had trouble going grocery shopping even though the grocery store was only a handful of blocks away because various parts of me would hurt too much to handle it, and by the time i was halfway home i would be almost dead. so, yknow. not a great time overall.

in september of 2017 i moved into this house with em and jo, and it’s been a fantastic decision bcos im finally living with people who care about me and will kick my ass into shape if i need it. em finally made me go to my rheumatologist and be like “so i know i’ve been saying i’ve been fine but i moved in with my partner recently and they’ve pointed out that im doing less fine than i said bcos i’d brushed off a lot of things as normal that they’ve told me are not, in fact, normal”, which was when he prescribed flexeril, and i think that’s helped me more than almost anything else has. holy shit. im taking a higher dose than my father (who’s like 6′1″ and has at least a hundred pounds on me) can handle but it’s working for me. i also went back to t injections a couple months ago bcos i didn’t enjoy missing everything for a week bcos it took forever for the testopel spot to heal, and i couldn’t sit on the spot until it healed; plus now that i’m living with em, they can remind me when i forget to do my shot. also, after a lot of fits and starts and panic over the last few years, im finally talking with a surgeon about top surgery. 

overall like, i went back and looked at a lot of posts i made several years ago to get dates for this point, and i can barely recognize myself in some of those posts. my illnesses had ground everything else away, until all that was the physical pain and the emotional anguish, and i wish i could tell my past self that it gets better: that he’ll find medications that work for him and he’ll move in with people who he loves and love him back, and that it’s not all sunshine and rainbows here in 2018 but it’s so much better. 2015 me definitely deserved that.

and that’s true: that i’m not cured, and i still have very bad days, but i’m also having more and more good days -- days that were unthinkable back then. i’m on medications that help me physically, and i’ve been diagnosed with adhd and am on a medication that helps me mentally. when i flew down to kentucky earlier this month to attend my sister’s graduation, my dad remarked on how much better i was walking and moving just compared to thanksgiving. i can’t even imagine comparing myself now to myself a few years ago. i think i’m going to save this post so that when i’m feeling down about being sick, i can remind myself how far i’ve come, and how much i’ve weathered so far; whatever storm comes next, i think i’ll be able to handle it.

idk where i was trying to go with this, but it ended up a super overly long chronicle of the last few years. so uh. yeah. like i mentioned before, i’d appreciate if you show that you read all this, either with a like or a reply, esp if you get to the end

[michiganandback]

Aug 15 – 19 AM

We left the Hancock RV Park mid-morning on the 15th and headed southeast. We made it to Marquette and spent the night at a really nice Campground. In the morning we drove over to the place called Pebble Beach to get some good stones from Lake Superior before we left. Marquette has the largest wooden domed building in the world. We drove by it as we left town and it's pretty impressive. Marquette also has a Wal-Mart and a Meijer grocery store, which has good bread. We spent a bit of time restocking the Larder before heading south to St. Ignace to spend the night. In the morning, we got a tee time I need a local golf course and played 9 holes of golf. It was a deceptively difficult course with tight, narrow fairways and fescue rough. It was also very bumpy because they didn't level out the fairways or the rough. We did okay for not having played for a year. I had six bogeys one double and two other scores. But it was a good day on the golf course. We then moved two miles south to another campground just in sight of the Mackinac Bridge. While driving to the golf course, the spring in the latch for refrigerator broke and the door flew open. Luckily nothing fell out and I was able to get it fixed temporarily until we can find a hardware store to buy new spring. We did and got to the campground just fine. As we were checking in, Patty the clerk said I put you as near to the bathroom as I could and oh by the way the best bathrooms are behind the laundry room. Not many people know about them and they are much nicer. She was right. They're just like a bathroom at home, not a bathroom in the barracks or in the old style dorms. After dinner, we went on a walkabout and saw a pickup with North Carolina tags on it. I yelled out go Heels and he said too bad. I said I really went to NC State he said I'm a Duke fan. I asked him where he was from in North Carolina and he said Morganton. That's where my sister lives and he knew the road she lives on. He didn’t say much more. Those mountain folks are like the odwest cowboys (so I’ve heard and seen depicted in the movies), answer a question and wait for the next one, don’t volunteer anything. I told him we grew up in the mountains he said from Crossnore. I had never had anyone know that town  in all my travels. I never thought to ask if he knew my sister. Turns out he was the water treatment plant manager and Elizabeth just groaned so she knew there was going to be a conversation about water and wastewater treatment plants. He said, well it's a good,  secure job because everybody has to drink water and everybody has to go to the bathroom. We found out he had been in the 82nd Airborne Division in 1973 and had 128 jumps, five of which were good. I never asked about the five and he never elaborated. They're on their way eventually to Mount Rushmore and I told him about the veteran ceremony at the night time event. I had to renegotiate our TV and Internet contract that expires this month and I got a very nice customer service rep from AT&T, Natalie. She did us a solid and we got $10 off from my current bill and tripled our internet speed. I told her we were in Michigan on a trip and she said I'm in Kalamazoo. We had a nice personal chat after that and she told us about something to do on our way to Boyne City. She also said real nice thing to do there is the Wildwood Rush, 7000 foot zip line down the mountain. We're looking forward to it. She also knew about the tunnel of trees, the Legs Inn which has the largest Bloody Mary in the world. We will do that today on the 18th of August as we work our way to Boyne City. We will spend one more night in the RV before moving into the rental house Sunday afternoon. Everyone is on time to meet us there late afternoon Sunday. The house is equipped with kayaks, fishing poles and other outdoor equipment. E and I are looking forward to kayaking down the Charlevoix River. In the morning we went across the road to talk to people from Morgantown on the off chance they knew my sister and brother-in-law. I asked Daryl if you knew someone named Dennis Keller and he said yes I do. He used to hunt bear with Dennis’ dad, Clyde in the mountains. He said my wife is coming around the corner there let's tell her about this. Turns out, Connie and my sister, Princess were in the same hospital room years ago when Connie had twin boys. They lived across the road from Princess’ and Dennis’ father and mother. Sometimes it's a really small world. We drove over to the Legs restaurant through the tunnel of trees along the bluff overlooking Lake Michigan. It was another nail-biter drive on a narrow road for 18 miles that took almost 40 minutes. We got there just after the restaurant opened and got a choice seat outside. All the waitresses are from Poland or the Ukraine. They are very helpful and pleasant. Our waitress was from Poland. I asked her her name, but we decided to call her Aga. She said she wanted to go back to Europe and visit Germany and could I recommend some places that are not so touristy. During the course of the meal I asked if she was interested in culture or sightseeing. I came up with about 14 places that I would go to if I went back there. Before it was all over, we exchanged emails, cell phones and invited her to visit us and Tulsa. She gave us her email address and the blog that she is creating on this visit to America. She wants to travel while she's young and I would say beautiful before she settles down and raises a family. When we decide to go to Poland she asked us to email her and she would give us some very interesting places to go out of the way of the normal tourist places. How lucky can you get? We had to scramble to find a campground for the night because this is a popular area. We did find one out of the way but in it but in a nice location. We are only 18 miles from the house that we rented for the reunion. We got a good spot as I said not far from the bathroom and pool. We had a nice quiet evening and there is a German couple from northern Germany cross the way from us. I spoke to him a little bit in the street, but we never made a commitment to get together later. He works as a physical therapist with stroke victims in Bremen Germany. We had a nice conversation in English and German. He thought my German very good even after I told him it was only Street German or neighborhood German that I had learned. I always feel good about that because I have tried to keep it up. About 1:30 this morning, some revelers woke Elizabeth up which in turn caused me to be up. We closed all the windows and finally got back to sleep. We slept until 8 a.m. and awoke to a gray overcast chilly morning, but it's supposed to warm up when we get back down from the “highlands” to the lake.

Pictures posted after this. This will be last post for a while, maybe.  Off to the reunion:)    

[kinbuchs]

october

Kinley had her bag over her shoulders, her hair in a tight bun, and tights under her sweatpants. She was swiftly through the park with a pumpkin spiced latte in one hand and her phone pressed to her ear with the other hand. On the other side of the phone was her precious little sister Kelsie. Kelsie was crying, as she did once a week with Kinley. Through the “mhm” and “yeah” remarks she made, 

Kinley was just trying to breathe in the fall air that had fallen upon her favorite city. She had completed her classes for the day and was on the way to her part-time gig at a dance studio Milania helped her score. Kinley taught ballet fundamentals to little girls aspiring to dance, and though her loyalties lied with her NYU dance company, she was interested in this studio’s professional troupe as well. 

“Kels, I’ll be home for Thanksgiving. Me and Kylie both. That’s just a few more weeks away. You’ve made it this long without us, you can make it a little bit longer.” Kinley reassured her. 

Kelsie didn’t say much else after that. She just cried. “I just miss you.”

“I know, babe,” Kinley said. “I love you, but I gotta run. I’m out of the park and I’m about to be at the subway station.”

They said their remarks, and Kinley dashed across the street, looking up at the blue sky and breathing in the fresh air. She couldn’t believe it. She’d been in New York since mid-August and everything just felt right. The rush of the town, the culture, the chaos. Kinley was living her best life, and with Morgan close by, she couldn’t have been happier. 

Kinley had gotten good at walking down the stairs to the subway without needing the handrail and could find her metrocard through muscle memory so she didn’t look silly digging around for it in her bag. She had gotten good at timing her walk from lunch to the station so that she boarded the train within three minutes of waiting at the platform. And because it was a local train, there weren’t too many people on, and she could sit without feeling bad about taking up room someone else could be using. As soon as she grabbed her seat, she threw her phone in her bag and pulled out a book that was required reading for her English class. 

“Hey,” she heard, a page into her book. She looked up and saw one of her classmates. His name was Van. He was tall and blond and rather goofy. He had really pretty straight teeth and green eyes. 

“Hey Van,” Kinley said. With such a big city, it was rare she ran into her classmates. Even on the trains they all took. “Where you headed to?”

“Auditions,” he said. “I’m trying to get some sort of management out here.”

Kinley wasn’t too interested in booking professional jobs yet. She wanted to experience all her freshman year of college had to offer. 

“You?”

Kinley grinned, “Uh, work!”

He stood and then moved closer to her so that they weren’t screaming across the train. They sat and they talked and they took turn reading pages from the book in their best varying accents. 

It would be a lie to say that Kinley had made tons of friends at NYU. She had Morgan, sure, but two of her roommates were always flaky and the other one was always moping around. Kinley tried to be the best version of herself to them, but besides a couple of the girls in her classes, she didn’t have many friends. She missed Kylie, and had actually booked a ticket to see her soon. It was a surprise that she was working out with Kylie’s roommates. However, Van seemed like he’d be a good friend to Kinley. 

When the train stopped and they were told they’d be delayed, both Kinley and Van groaned. They were still a few stops away, and they could probably make it to where they both needed to be if they ran. 

“Are we going for it?” Van asked. 

“What? No! I’ll wait. I’ll be late. You can run.”

“Nope. You’re coming with me, c’mon!”

Van grabbed Kinley’s wrist and together, they were off the subway, up the stairs and back into the city’s daylight. Van took off running and Kinley laughed, chasing after him, trying to catch up. Besides the coffee she had, Kinley hadn’t had much for lunch. A small salad and half a breadstick. So despite having chased Van two and a half blocks, she was running out of steam quickly. They were both stopped at a corner and were still laughing. She grabbed onto his arm for support and made a face. 

“Hey! Hey,” Van said, trying calm her down enough to catch her breath and keep her standing. 

In between her heaves of breaths, she started crying. “Van, I don’t feel good. I think something’s wrong.”

People started looking. 

“Okay,” he said. “Okay, okay. C’mon. Come sit down.”

They took a seat at a nearby bench. Van pulled a water bottle from his bag and pulled the sweatshirt off of Kinley’s shoulders. A few moments passed by and Kinley caught her breath. She calmed down, but her hands were still shaking. She hadn’t had enough to eat and was near fainting after just a couple of blocks of running. Van sat with her, neither of them saying anything, for fifteen minutes. 

“You should go, I don’t want you to miss your audition,” Kinley finally said. 

Van glanced at his watch, “I already missed it. There’ll be more.” After a few more quiet moments he said, “I don’t think you should be going to work.”

“Will you call Morgan for me?” Kinley said, still sipping on the water. 

Van nodded. He dug around in his back pack for a moment and then started speaking again. “I will if you eat this.” He was handing her a protein bar. “I know that look. That paleness. The shaking. I’m a junior dance major. We guys have seen it too. You don’t need to starve yourself, Kinley. You’re beautiful no matter what.”

“I have a boyfriend,” Kinley said, “who I’m very much in love with.”

“I know,” Van said. “But it looks like you need a friend too.”

By the time Morgan got there, Kinley had eaten half the protein bar. She thanked Van, he thanked Van, and they got in a cab together. Kinley cried into Morgan’s chest all the way back to her dorm. He walked her up to her fifteenth-floor dorm, got her into the shower and helped her wash her hair, and then into bed. 

“I love you,” Kinley said, drawing her fingers through Morgan’s dark hair. “You’re my best friend in the whole world.”

“I love you too,” Morgan said, kissing Kinley for a brief moment. 

She started crying again, “Do you think Kylie thinks about me?”

He answered all her questions: does Kylie think about me? Does she miss me as much as I miss her? Does Kelsie hate me? Does Nora remember me? Who do you think is in my old room? Nora can’t keep it mine for forever. Is Mollie taking care of Kelsie? Do you really love me? Do you think my mom knows how hard I’m working? Am I making her proud? Will you stay the night with me? It was yes to all of them. She even made him promise he’d take her to see her old home so she could see the window she jumped from -- she and Kylie still had burn scars on their legs, though they had mostly faded. 

Kinley fell asleep around eight after not eating dinner either. And she woke up around eleven, feeling for Morgan and only realizing he wasn’t in bed when she heard his voice at the other side of the room. 

“Hey Nora, it’s me. Call me back. Kinley’s getting bad again.”

[hoeseok]

Guardian Angel

Pairing: Hoseok x Reader x Namjoon

Genre: Angst and slight fluff

Warnings: Mentions of cancer, death, and suicide attempt

Word Count: 6.4k

Summary: A tragedy unexpectedly strikes your family, and when you start to believe that you’ll never be happy again, you meet the person who will change your world.

A/n: Honestly, this took longer than expected to write this, but it’s finally completed. I also would like to give a shout out to @aichan11 for being my beta for this because she’s amazing and put up with all my questions I asked.

During the third week of August on a Saturday, you were moving into your dorm, and your loving parents came to help out as you had a ton of boxes to unpack because you over packed, like always. Once you unlocked the door, you were surprised when you saw half of the room already moved in, but then you remembered that you were assigned a roommate over the summer. You didn’t really mind (as long as both of you got along) because it would be nice to have at least one friend here.

After all the boxes had been unloaded and brought up to your room, your parents lingered around before hugging you goodbye because they dreaded this moment, knowing that they would have to leave you on your own after 18 years of you living under their roof. The walk to their car was hard enough as you tried to stay strong with a smile on your face, but when you watched them drive away, you almost made it without shedding a single tear until you saw tears falling from your mom’s eyes. Your blurry vision made it hard for you to look at people in the eye, so you slowly headed back to your room with your eyes glued to the ground. Hopefully this way they wouldn’t be able to see that you were already homesick. As you were decorating your room to make it feel more like home, others on the hallway were still moving in, so it felt quite lonely not being able to introduce yourself yet. Later that evening when you were lying on your neatly made bed, you heard a key rattling in the door, and your head nervously shot to the door being opened. Your wide eyes made eye contact with the person standing in the doorway, and you froze for five seconds before a soft smile formed at the corners of the other person’s mouth.

“Hi, I’m Kara. I’m your roommate,” she said shyly. Kara’s features were delicate yet beautiful. Her brown eyes were as rich as Hershey’s milk chocolate, and they sparkled in the fluorescent light above. Her long dark brown hair smoothed over her back, with the caramel highlights peeking through slightly. From where you were sitting, she didn’t seem that much taller than you, give or take an inch or two.

“Hey, I’m y/n. Nice to meet you,” you said still sitting on your bed without bothering to stand up.

“Nice to meet you too, y/n. Would you like to join me for ice cream? Ever since I got here this morning, I’ve been craving some strawberry cheesecake ice cream, and this town has some of the best.” She took a few steps to stand next to the foot of her bed as she patiently waited for your reply.

You contemplated your answer for a few seconds before replying because honestly, you just wanted to stay in since all this moving wore you out. However, you agreed to it anyways, and when you told her yes, her eyes lit up like lights on a Christmas tree.

The ice cream shop was located next to a tiny run down shopping center 25 minutes off campus. It looked out of place with its brightly lit lights shining through the pristine windows in an area with potholes of all different sizes in the parking lot and closed stores all around. The shuttle bus that dropped your roommate and you off outside of the shop headed back to campus and disappeared into the darkness of the night. Even though the rest of the shops were closed for the night, this ice cream shop was full of lively people laughing and chatting with their friends. School was about to begin for the semester, and people were catching up with others on the details of how they spent their summer, whether it was an internship, work, or traveling. The chatty voices coming from every corner of the room made you want to go back to your dorm for peace and quiet as social situations like these drained your energy, but you couldn’t turn back now because your roommate was so excited for ice cream, and you didn’t want to leave her alone.

Scanning the endless possibilities of ice cream flavors when you got to the front, you saw a little bit of everything – cotton candy, mint chocolate chip, chocolate, birthday cake, rocky road, strawberry cheesecake, chocolate chip cookie dough, and much more. The countless options of different flavors to choose from made it extremely hard to narrow your answer to just one.

“Ma’am, ma’am. What would you like to get?” the worker asked impatiently as a line started to form behind you. You didn’t realize that you were blankly staring at the ice cream in front of you, and you snapped out of your daydream real quick. Embarrassed, you looked around at the people standing behind you and at your roommate already licking her ice cream cone in front of you.

“Oh, I’m so sorry! Uh, I’ll have the strawberry cheesecake ice cream in a waffle cone.” You felt your cheeks blushing instantly from embarrassment. You hadn’t even been out 30 minutes yet, and you were already spacing out.

He handed you your cone with the freshly scooped ice cream, and after paying, you joined your roommate at a table in the back corner.

“So,” you paused for a second to lick the melting ice cream dripping down the side of the cone. The awkward silence was uncomfortable and increased by the minute, so you quickly tried to think of something to chat about. “Are you a freshman, and what’s your major?”

“I’m actually a sophomore, and I am majoring in film production. My brother is an actor, and one day I would like to produce a movie with him as the main actor.”

“Oh, that’s really cool! It seems like fun to study that.” You nodded your head in agreement before adding something else to keep the conversation flowing. “I’m not sure what I want to major in. I was thinking about studying music education because I’m passionate about sharing my love of music to other people.”

“Really? I’ve heard great things about that major since this university has an excellent music program. When I first got here as a freshman, I thought about majoring in audio engineering, but I decided that film was more of my interest.” She sat back in her chair with her arms crossed to try to keep the warmth from leaving her body. “I should have brought a jacket with me even though it’s August. I always get chills after eating ice cream.”

“Yeah, it’s pretty cold in here. I guess they have to keep it like this, so the ice cream won’t melt.”

As you kept the conversation flowing, Kara looked around the room since she noticed that most everyone had already left. Both of your voices seemed to travel across the room more since there weren’t many people in there to drown them out with their commotion.

“Do you think we should leave now? I’m not sure what time they close exactly, but it looks like they will be closing soon,” Kara questioned, interrupting you mid sentence.

“Uh, how will we get back to our dorm? We took the bus here, and I don’t think they run this late. It took the shuttle 25 minutes, so if we did walk back, it’ll take us at least a good hour or more.” You pressed the home button on your phone to view the time, and it read 9:15 p.m. “We should go outside at least, so they can start cleaning up.”

Kara stood up and pushed her chair in, and you followed behind her doing the same. Right before Kara opened the door to leave, you glanced over at the worker behind the counter, and he gave you a shy smile and a small nod goodnight. The font on his nametag was too small to read as you walked by, so you couldn’t catch his name unfortunately. Too bad you couldn’t read it because he was really cute with his purple hair that fell over his eyes. However, his dimples were what attracted you to him the most because you had a weakness for guys with dimples. It made them 100 times cuter, and you strongly believed that it usually brought out the softer side in guys.

It was quite windy for a night in August, but the temperature outside caused you to warm up slowly. The perfectly round moon gleamed brightly against the pitch-black night sky while the stars faintly sparkled in the darkness above. The luster of the street lights provided some light and only a few cars remained in the parking lot.

“What should we do now? I don’t have anyone to call to pick us up, and I don’t have the number to call a cab either,” you stated. You looked down at the time on your phone, and it was getting later as the seconds ticked by. It was a good thing that school wasn’t going to start tomorrow because it looked like you weren’t going to get much sleep tonight.

“Most of my friends aren’t coming back until tomorrow, so we can either walk back or maybe someone will be nice enough to give us a ride,” she replied, as she fidgeted with the hem of her shirt. “I’m so sorry, y/n. I completely forgot that the buses don’t run after 8:30.”

“It’s okay,” you told her, while taking a seat on the sidewalk.

About fifteen minutes later, the worker with purple hair walked out of the shop and locked the door. He looked at you with a confused look on his face before walking away to his car. He wasn’t even halfway to his car yet when he spun around to face you and asked, “If you don’t mind me asking, why are you both still out here?”

“We took the bus here, but I forgot that they don’t run late,” Kara uttered before you even had a chance to say a word. The puzzled look on the guy’s face disappeared, and he appeared to be thinking.

“I know this may seem sketchy because you don’t know me, but would both of you like a ride back to campus? I live on campus, and it seems like the most logical thing to ask. You don’t have to agree; I completely understand if you don’t trust me since we just met,” he said, looking at your roommate and back to you as he patiently waited for an answer.

Your parents told you to never take rides from strangers, but in your opinion, he came across as a true gentleman and someone you could trust. However, you were gullible enough to believe anything people say, so you looked to your roommate to see what she had to say about his offer, and she gave you a short nod.

“Um, we’ll take the ride back with you to campus.” Your voice was unsteady, but there was nothing you could do to halt the nervousness from spreading throughout your whole body.

He nodded in agreement and motioned for you all to follow him to his car. “By the way, I’m Namjoon. Nice to meet you both.”

“Nice to meet you too. I’m y/n, and this is Kara,” you responded, while opening the door to his car.

* * * * *

On the first day of classes, you got lost trying to find the building your Fundamentals of Music Theory class was in. “I should have walked around more beforehand to familiarize myself with the campus,” you thought to yourself as you power walked across campus through the green, freshly mowed grass. Your calf muscles screamed in protest at the sudden strain, but there was no way that you could slow down and be late to class. Eventually making it with one minute to spare, you took the last open seat. The guy sitting in front of you looked very familiar with purple hair that you’ve seen before. Your eyes grew wide when you realized it was Namjoon. Thoughts ranging from “I wonder if he knows I’m sitting behind him” to “do I look good today?” raced in your mind, and you hoped he didn’t turn around at this very moment. If he did, he would see your cheeks blushing, and you probably would die a little inside.

When class ended, Namjoon turned around to get his book bag, and he acknowledged you with a smile. “Hey y/n. It’s nice to see you again.”

“Yeah, it’s nice to see you again too Namjoon, and I’m glad we have a class together. Kara and I are going to get lunch when she gets out of class. Would you like to join us?” you inquired shyly.

“Why not? I would love to, and I have a nice break between my classes.”

“Really? We can sit outside while we wait for her to finish,” you replied almost a little too eagerly. You found a metal bench for both of you to sit on in the cool shade away from the sun. “So, tell me about yourself because I would like to get to know you better.”

He thought diligently prior to speaking, as he carefully pondered about the words he was going to use. “Where should I begin? Let’s see, I am a sophomore majoring in music production, and after I graduate, I want to run my own studio production company. I fell in love with songwriting during my teenage years, and I try to allot time to write in my journal every single day. Now I have an urge to expand and learn how to produce and record. This is the stuff I’m passionate about, and I know that I’ll never want to stop making music. I live and breathe music, and it’s my life.” You saw the enthusiasm shine bright in Namjoon’s eyes as he spoke, and you never wanted him to quit talking about what he loved to do. “Now why don’t you tell me a little about yourself since I’ve talked quite a lot,” he asked. You wanted him to keep rambling on about his life because you could listen to him all day, but he insisted on asking about your life.

“I’m a freshman, and right now my major is undecided, but I think I want to study music education.” Your eyes drifted off of Namjoon to Kara as she walked out of the building she was in. She then saw you both sitting on a bench, so she strolled over with a smile on her face.

“Y/n, my stomach has been growling all throughout class today, so let’s get something for lunch,” she suggested before turning her body towards Namjoon. “Hey, Namjoon. It’s nice to see you again. How are you?” Kara spoke, her voice peppy and full of energy. You loved how delighted she always was because her personality boosted your mood up whenever she was around. It also became apparent that Namjoon had more interest in her than you, as it seemed like he was somewhat intimidated by you considering that he kept his distance even when you were next to him on the bench. Although he acted that way with you, he couldn’t keep his eyes off of Kara, and Kara surely couldn’t keep her eyes off of him.

* * * * *

Arising from the deep slumber from the night before, you felt well rested and energized, ready to begin your day. Rubbing your hands against your half-opened eyes to wake them up, the sun peeked through the thin curtains hanging from the window in your dorm, and the birds chirped happily; however, something felt off. Your gut told you there was something wrong, but you couldn’t put a finger on it. Shrugging it off without letting the thought ponder in your head a second time, you rolled out of bed and got ready for class. Quietly tiptoeing around the room trying to find clean clothes without waking your roommate was a challenge, but somehow you managed to find a pair of shorts and a matching shirt in the dim light. Neglecting to turn off your alarm since you woke up earlier than usual, the loud ringing began echoing off the paper-thin walls and revoked you from the dazed state you were in.

“Shit. Kara’s gonna kill me if I wake her up.” You quickly ran to your night table to turn off the alarm, almost stumbling over a pair of shoes. Fumbling with the buttons on the top, you succeeded in silencing the repetitive noise. Looking over at her still sleeping soundly, you were thankful that she didn’t hear your alarm. “Good, she’s still asleep.”

Grabbing a granola bar on the way out, you headed to your first class of the day. When it was time for lecture to begin, you diligently took notes since the professor could put any material on the exams. Halfway through class, the phone in your lap buzzed faintly against your legs. You looked down at the dimly lit screen and saw your dad’s contact picture light up. Usually when you received a call from your parents, it was from your worried mom instead of your dad, so this shot immediate red flags in your mind. “What could be happening that my dad is calling me? He never texts me, let alone calls me,” you pondered to yourself.

The professor dragged out the lecture for as long as possible, but the only thing you could do was watch the call go to voicemail since you couldn’t be disrespectful and pick up the call right then and there. Hopefully, the call was just a check-in to see how you were adjusting to college life, so you shrugged it off. Once class ended, you hurriedly packed your bookbag and headed for the door. Your thumb shook nervously as you pressed the home button to unlock your phone, and your head flooded with unwanted thoughts. Light rain hit your bare face as you stepped outside, so you quickened your pace back to your dorm. On the walk back, you hit play on the voicemail and put the phone up to your ear to hear what your dad had to say. Before the voicemail could even end, tears immediately formed and gushed down your face. You couldn’t believe it, so you replayed the voicemail to make sure you heard correctly.

“Your mom and I went to the doctor, and we found out that she has stage IV pancreatic cancer. She never showed symptoms, and that’s why the cancer was caught so late. She only has six months to live.”

Six months. 180 days. That is all the time you had left with your mom, and you could not believe what you heard from your dad. It seemed unreal; one day she seemed healthy, the next she had stage IV cancer. You kept pinching yourself over and over because you yearned to wake up from this tragic nightmare. Nothing worked, and you were stuck living in this bad dream. You burst through your door and ran straight to your bed to bury your teary face into your soft pillow. You were too distressed to even shut your door, but you didn’t care who saw you cry. Rummaging through your bag, you blindly felt around for a package of tissues. Pulling a tissue out, you patted your eyes and wiped your nose. Unzipping your jacket pocket, you took out your phone to call your dad back for answers. You heard the phone ring twice before a familiar voice was heard.

“Hey babe,” your dad answered the phone.

“Hey Dad. How’s Mom doing?” you frantically asked, hoping for answers.

“She’s a little shook up by the news today, and I took off work for the rest of the day, so I can be by her side to comfort her.”

“How can she have cancer? She seemed fine when I moved into my dorm, and now this is happening. I don’t understand.”

“I don’t understand it much either, but the doctor explained that pancreatic cancer is usually diagnosed at a late stage because symptoms don’t really show up beforehand in the earlier stages.”

“Are there any treatments she can try? There has to be something we can do.”

“The doctor gave us some options to check out - chemotherapy, palliative pain treatments, and palliative surgery. We’re leaning towards chemo, but we aren’t positive with our decision yet. I know you’re worried about Mom, but please don’t stress over this. Focus on your studies, and enjoy your first semester in college. Everything will be okay; don’t worry. I love you, sweetheart.” Your dad tried his best to reassure you, but there wasn’t much he could say to make you feel better.

“I love you too. Bye, and tell Mom that I love her.” Too tired to hold back tears, you ended the call and closed your eyes to escape the pain.

“Y/n, wake up. You’ve been asleep for almost the whole day now.” Kara said worriedly as she shook your shoulder. You blinked hard twice to wake up your drowsy eyes. Your eyes and cheeks were still puffy from all the crying earlier, and your head felt cloudy, as if you couldn’t think straight. She looked at you with soft eyes for a second until she sat next to you on the bed. You sat up to say something but nothing left your opened mouth, so you stared at the foot of your bed instead.

“It’s okay if you don’t want to talk about whatever is bothering you. I’m here for you always. If you just want someone to hug, I’m also here for that.” You hesitated for a moment before holding out your arms, and Kara leaned in to envelop you in a hug. It was too hard to stay strong through all of this by yourself, and before you knew it, a single tear slid down your face slowly until multiple tears chased after one another. Removing your head off of her shoulder, you looked at the sleeve of her shirt now stained with your tears.

Breaking apart from her welcoming embrace and wiping your eyes with the collar of your shirt, you asked shyly, “Can I tell you the news? I need to get it off my chest because it’s been weighing me down.” Kara nodded her head yes and sat in silence as a signal for you to continue. “Today after class I got a voicemail from my dad, and he said that my mom has stage IV cancer. She doesn’t have much longer to live. I, I…” Before you could even finish your sentence, you were already sobbing as words were muffled into your hands. Kara quickly ran to grab a tissue and then came back to your side to comfort your shaky body. As both of you sat in calming silence on your bed, you appreciated the support from your roommate because there was no way that you could suffer through this nightmare alone.

Lost deep in thought in the beautiful world you created for yourself to escape the heartache of reality, you were immersed in picking at the chipped red polish on your left thumb until Kara interrupted you to bring you back down to earth. “Let’s go pick up dinner and hang out with some friends to get your mind off this. I can text Namjoon to see what he’s up to because it’s been a while since the three of us hung out together.”

“Yeah, I guess so,” you said reluctantly, while hanging your feet off the bed until they reached the ground, and you leaned over to put your shoes back on.

* * * * *

Each day after classes, you called your mom to hear her voice no matter what time it was because you never knew when she would breathe her last breath. This was the toughest part for you, even more challenging than all your schoolwork, because every time you heard her weak “I love you” near the end of your call, it tugged at your heartstrings until you were on the verge of balling your eyes out. Since you were the type of person that craved for being in control over your life, you hated knowing your mother’s death was in the near future, yet no matter what you did, nothing would change the course of her life.

Pulling into the driveway of your parents’ small, cozy home, your dad eagerly waved to you while leaning on the handle of the stationary lawn mower. The unkempt grass of the front yard buried him ankle deep as weeds decorated the yard. The weeks away from home when you were at college, made you appreciate being home more even if your stay was just for the weekend. You missed having homemade meals, sleeping in your soft bed in your own room, having your pets around, and spending quality time with your family. As soon as you parked your car in the garage, you hopped out and ran to give your dad a bear hug, not caring about the sweat dripping from his face. His tight squeeze of welcoming you back home took the breath out of your chest, but you didn’t mind because you missed him dearly.

Quietly opening the door in the garage, you didn’t want to awaken your mom if she was resting on the couch in the living room. Peeking around the corner of the wall, you saw her chest rise and fall with every breath she took as she rested with her eyes closed. With her breathing barely audible, the hum of the television filled the silent room.

“Y/n? Is that you?” your mom questioned with her eyes still shut.

Startled by her question, your body jumped slightly, and your eyes grew wide, but the darkness camouflaged your reaction. You didn’t think she was awake, but she heard the opening and closing of the door. “Yes, Mom. It’s me. Do you need anything?”

“No, I just want you to sit, and talk to me.”

Walking over to the couch where she was lying, you took a seat on the floor next to her and rested your head on her shoulder. “How are you feeling? I hope you feel okay, and I’m sorry that I can’t be here more often.”

“Honey, don’t feel sorry. I love that you come home every weekend to be with me. That means so much to me, and I love you.” Taking a couple of deep breaths, she continued on with your question, “I’m feeling all right. I’m mainly tired by lunchtime, but your dad takes very good care of me. I do feel weaker now than when I did when I first found out, but that is nothing to be worried about, sweetie. You already have a lot to be stressed over with classes, so please do not be concerned about me.”

Choking back tears, you turned your head away from her view, hoping she missed your watery eyes. “It hurts me to see you in pain. I know you don’t voice it, but I can still see it in your eyes.” Your voice cracked as the words left your mouth, and that was when the sobs took over. “Why is this happening? I don’t know what I’m going to do without you. You’re my- ”

“Y/n, y/n. I know you’re upset, but try to stay strong for me. Can you do that for me? Stay strong now, and stay strong later. I told your dad that exact same thing because I caught him crying before bed a few times.”

Thinking of the future, you know you’ll ache for times like these when you enjoyed your mom’s company. You’d miss the connection you felt with her without having to speak a single word for her to understand. You loved your dad to pieces and appreciated everything he did for you and your family, but it was not the same. He wasn’t your best friend.

The months of your semester flew by faster than ever. In the blink of an eye, it was already finals week, and you clearly remembered the first day of classes like it was yesterday. Since you were a freshman, you mainly took general classes this first semester, so finals weren’t anything you were too terrified about. Christmas break was right around the corner, and the excitement of being home for a month grew in your stomach. The only thing that stood in your way of being free for a whole month was four finals and a paper.

* * * * *

“Do you need help unloading the tree?” you asked your dad.

“No, I think I have it if you’ll open the door,” he stated. With the Christmas tree blocking his view, he diligently stared at the ground until he made his way to the living room. After stabilizing the tree carefully into the stand, your dad slowly backed away with his arms spread out to the side, taking preliminary measures in case the tree tipped over. “Y/n, did you get the water?”

“Yes, I have it right here,” you replied, crouching down to pour the water into the metal basin. “Before we decorate, we need to place a tree skirt around the stand to hide it.” Searching through the boxes of Christmas decorations, your dad found the skirt hiding at the bottom of the box.

“The tree looks nice! I think this one is perfect one for us,” your mom paused to take a deep breath in, and then she continued, “And there’s nothing better than the smell of a real Christmas tree.” With her hands on her hips, she took a step back to admire the tree fitting nicely in the corner of the room.

“Y/n picked it out herself. She found a hidden gem towards the back of the farm, while I only found small ones that weren’t that pretty.”

“Yeah, I was about to give up on my search, but then I stumbled across this one at the last minute. It’s funny how once I stopped looking, I found a good tree,” you chuckled. “I’ll be back in a second. I need to get my speaker to play some music.” While walking to your room, you shuffled through your playlists on your phone to find some Christmas music. Once you got back to the living room, you turned on “Joy to the World” for background music and made your way over to the stack of boxes that your parents were already digging through. With help from your dad, you strung the lights around the tree carefully, as to not tangle them up, while your mom sat in a chair next to the boxes and tapped her foot to the beat of the music. When that was finished, you took the ornaments one by one from your mom, carefully hanging them up where they looked best.

“Y/n, remember this ornament? This is your handprint from kindergarten. I still can’t believe you’re all grown and in college now,” your mom said, reminiscing about memories of you at the age of five.

“My hand was so small compared to it now. It’s so weird how much I’ve grown,” you exclaimed when you compared your hand to the handprint.

“Ah, those were the days. I’m proud of the beautiful, young lady you’ve become,” your mom gushed.

“Me too,” your dad chimed in, agreeing with your mom while flashing you a grin.

* * * * *

Sitting cross-legged on the foot of the hard bed in the hospital room with your dad standing next to you, the deafening silence rang loudly into your ears. Blank walls stared back at you, and the cold air from the window crack brushed lightly on your right shoulder. Nothing but sadness permeated the stillness of the air. Your dad nodded his head toward your mom with a solemn look plastered on his face, and when he turned to face you, you saw the identical distressed and suffering signs that you were feeling. He squeezed her hand tightly one last time. This pain intensified by the second, but you promised to stay strong through all of this. Your dad and you both promised. “Thank you for everything. I couldn’t have asked for a better life. I love both of you,” your mom whispered unhurriedly as she closed her eyes one last time. You couldn’t recall the exact time she breathed in her final breath, but you did notice how peaceful her face and body appeared to be. She wasn’t suffering anymore, and she was lastly in a place where she could be pain free. While getting up to leave the hospital room, you caught a glimpse of a small, white butterfly squeezing its way in from the tiny crack in the window and landing on the foot of the bed.

* * * * *

It was tough for you to admit that life was harder without your mom, yet you felt empty and believed that there was no purpose anymore. You dreaded waking up every morning because this meant another day of desolation, and you hated that feeling. You wanted more time to talk to her, to hug her, and to be around her.

Only a month after the funeral, you found yourself staring into the vast dark ocean as you stood on the edge of a cliff. The harsh waves crashed down below onto the black rocks that embellished the shore. The gray clouds blocked the sun from radiating onto the water, and there was a chilly breeze that nipped at your bare skin through the small holes in your sweater. You closed your eyes and took a deep breath in to reflect about everything that had recently happened in your family and knew your decision was final. Nervously, you took a few steps back as your mind began to race, and your body began to shake. Shutting your eyes tight once more, you thought to yourself, “Just jump, and the pain will be gone.” On the count of three, you hesitantly ran, only to stop yourself right before you leaped off the cliff because in the corner of your eye, you noticed a white butterfly flutter by. That butterfly appeared to be the same kind as the one in the hospital room before your mom’s death. Your body trembled in shock as you stared at it and finally realized that everything would be all right in the end. This was a sign from your mom, and you remembered that she wanted you to stay strong for her, so you did just that. Still fatigued from the near death experience, you ambled away from the edge of the cliff to sit down and regain your strength. Wrapping your arms around your knees, you placed your head on your arms and unlocked your phone to check the missed messages and calls.

Kara: Where are you? You weren’t here when I woke up. [8:42 am]

Kara: Are you skipping class? [8:50 am]

Kara: You never skip class. I’m worried. [8:57 am]

Kara: And you always answer your phone fast. This isn’t like you. [8:59 am]

 [ (15) missed calls from Kara ]

Namjoon: Are you okay?? You wanna talk? [9:13 am]

 [ (2) missed calls from Namjoon ]

Dad: I hope you have a good day. I love you babe. [9:47 am]

With the last bit of energy you had left, you took the time to reply to their messages and let them know where you were at the moment. Then you pressed the off button to lock your phone.

The sun peeked out from behind the scattered clouds, and the warm beams hit your face, which made you squint to see out into the distance. Oblivious to the sounds of the footsteps getting louder behind you, you flinched at the repeated tap on your shoulder. Turning around with a shocked look on your face, you saw an angelic man standing two feet away from you, lips curled into a beautiful smile. He wasn’t like anyone you had met before in your life. This time was different, and your gut told you this man was special. His golden skin radiated from his slim body similar to the way the sun beamed down onto the Earth, and his beauty blinded you. His ethereal beauty and allure made you doubt his existence because he couldn’t be real. He was too perfect to be real. To you, he couldn’t be less of an angel. Unconsciously your mouth dropped open slightly, and your eyes grew wide before he brought you back down to earth.

Flashing a big grin back at you, he replied, “Don’t worry about that. You’re good.” Ruffling his hand through his jet-black hair, his bangs fell across his forehead and covered his eyebrows. “I’m Hoseok. What’s your name?”

“Hoseok, Hoseok, Hoseok,” you repeated his name over and over in your head trying to imprint his voice into your brain because the way his words rolled smoothly off his tongue made butterflies flutter in your stomach. Too shy to bring your gaze up to his, you stared at the ground while smiling to yourself. Eventually finding the courage to meet his eyes, you noticed that they were a rich chocolate brown with flecks of gold that glistened even in the dim light. “I’m y/n. It’s nice to meet you.”

He seemed to be thinking carefully before he responded. “Y/n. That’s a lovely name.”

You couldn’t help the grin from spreading across your face as you heard your name glide off his tongue like velvet, and gladly, there wasn’t anything to be timid about because he beamed right back at you in response.

There was no explanation to why Hoseok was here at the same time you were because the spot you chose was usually isolated from the general population as only a handful of people knew about this location. None of the pieces added up, so you were genuinely confused.

“Y/n! Look at all these butterflies flying around us. I’ve never seen so many of these in one place before!” Hoseok twirled around with his arms in the air before bouncing around in attempt to cup one in his hands. You giggled with laughter at how amusing he was acting and how he was already comfortable with you from the start. Prior to joining him in catching butterflies, you lifted your head up to the sky and mouthed a silent “thank you.”

[bts-dontknowher]

Surprise!

Taehyung x Reader

Word Count: 3,050

Genre: Smut, Fluff

After months of being away, Tae comes home to surprise you with a plan for the future :)

I'm fucking lonely. I'm done with school, I don't have a job, I just sit around my apartment waiting. It seems like all I do is wait because my boyfriend is so busy with work he's hardly here. I miss him like crazy when he's gone and this time has been the worst. I haven't seen him since February. IT’S AUGUST. I'm not upset. I don't miss him. I'm fine!!! IM FINE!!!!! It's 1:35 and I'm lying in bed, scrolling through Tumblr as I would in any Saturday night. That's how boring I am. That's how devoted I am to this boy that I haven't just broken up with him and found someone who's here all the time. But no, I'm thoroughly in love with him and I'm trapped. I need him to live, I- My phone started ringing in my hands and I groaned, answering. “Babe, you interrupted my inner monologue about loving you”, he laughed and I heard rustling on his end. “I'm sorry I missed you. I needed to hear your voice”, Taehyung whispered, making me pull my eyebrows together. “Why are you whispering?” I checked the clock, “isn't it like mid-day over there?” “Yeah, yeah just have to be quiet for stuff”, he coughed, “anyway, what's up?” I sat up and narrowed my eyes at my phone as I put it on speaker, “I'm just lying in bed as always. What are you doing?” There was more shuffling and I glared at it now, “Taehyung, are you being gross?” “What? No! No, that's not that I'm doing!”, he sounded so defensive. Liar. It was absolutely silent for an entire minute so I groaned, flopping back on my bed, “what country are you in again?” He ignored me, “go downstairs”. I got up and walked down without questioning it. He's had stuff sent to me before and he pays extra for the people to bring it late at night. It's probably a sex toy, because he's gross. “If this is another dildo, I'm cooking it in the oven”, I stopped when I saw a small box on the kitchen table, “Tae? What's this?” He laughed softly and urged me to open it, so I slowly walked over and picked it up. It's really small and rectangular, but it's definitely not jewelry, so he's not proposing. I put my phone on speaker and set it down, unwrapping the ribbon and opening the box to find a key, “a key? I already have a key to the dorm”. “It's not for the dorm”, he was whispering again, which made me nervous. “It's for us.” I screamed and turned around, dropping the box.

“FUCKING SHIT, TAEHYUNG!” He grinned and hung up, putting his phone in his pocket and walking to me, “I got us an apartment”. I was panting from being so scared, but he just kept grinning until I was cradled against his chest, “you gave me a heart attack”. “I thought I was being cute”, he backed up and pouted, “I wanted to surprise you”. I glared but nodded, “you did”. I picked up the box again and looked at the cute puppy design printed on the key, “this is so cute. What gave you the idea?” “I got us a puppy, too, but”, he got down on one knee and I rolled my eyes, “will you move in with me?” “Yes. Get up, dork”, he smiled as he stood, pulling me in by my hips and kissing me gently. “Well, let’s go see it”, he pulled on my arm but I stood still. “Go now? I'm in my pajamas!” “It'll just be us, baby”, he pouted, “please? I want to make love on our new bed after months of being apart. It'll be cute and romantic.” “Sex is tiring, Tae. You have practice tomorrow”, I sighed, shaking my head, “not tonight okay?” “PLEASE”, he stomped and crossed his arms over his chest, so I groaned, caving instantly. I walked past him upstairs muttering “let me go change” to which he clapped and cheered. Childish. I pulled on a sweatshirt and opted for jeans instead of these short shorts then jogged back downstairs. He looked at me and then smiled, but something was behind it, “we don't have to go if you don't want to, Y/N. I don't want to force you”. I held his face and kissed his nose a couple times, “I haven't seen you in months. I'll go wherever you want, Tae”. He pulled my hand until we were out at his car and then he opened the door for me, smiling adorably. I grinned and hopped in, waiting for him to do the same. He drove us to the new apartment building and then wanted me to close my eyes while he walked us up to our new apartment. Our apartment; I can't believe we're moving in together. He gave me the tour and I frowned as we got further into the apartment, “why didn't I get to pick anything out?” “Ah”, he laughed softly, “Jimin helped me pick things he said he knew you'd like. Since you guys are so close”. I lifted a brow and stopped in front of him, “is that jealousy I hear?” He lifted me by my legs and threw me over his shoulder, making me gasp and squeak. I screamed and laughed as I fell on the bed in the master bedroom, “you're crazy, Tae”. “Crazy for you, baby”, he winked, leaning over and pulling my sweatpants off, “I have to admit I'm a little jealous”. I watched him chew on his lip then he pouted, “you two are so close and sometimes it makes me think…” He shrugged so I sat up quickly, grabbing his face, “no, there's no way anything is happening. I love you, Taehyung; only you, always you”. He smiled so I kissed him, laying back after. “I love you, too, Y/N.” His hands fell to the bottom of my sweatshirt but I pushed them off, “I'm half naked, you take something off”. He shrugged and pulled his shirt off, tossing it to the floor. I went to touch, but his phone rang in his pocket, making both of us look toward it. He slipped it out and then sighed, backing up some, “I’m really sorry, I have to answer this”. I shook my head and forced a smile, sitting up as he walked out of the room. I looked around the room then frowned, pulling my knees up to my chest and hugging them. I know that work is important and I know that his job is time consuming and rewarding but I just… I wish I could just have one night with him. I sniffled and wiped my cheek, not realizing I’d started crying. I support him and I love him, but this is so hard for me, this is so stressful. It isn’t fair, I deserve love just as much, if not more, than the girls he performs for. “Y/N?”, I looked up and he looked devastated, which made more tears form. He walked over quickly and sat beside me, pulling me onto his lap, a knee on either side of his legs, “what’s wrong? What happened?” I shook my head and wiped my face with my sleeves, “I’m fine I just got caught up in my thoughts”. “Well what were you thinking about?”, I shrugged so he wrapped his arms around me, rubbing my back gently, “it doesn’t matter, Tae, let’s just get back to what we were doing”. “I don’t care about sex”, he sighed and stared into my soul, “is it me? Did I do something wrong?” “No.” I leaned down to his neck and kissed around sloppily, trying to remember the spot that he likes. He pushed me back so I just stared, crossing my arms, “baby we need to talk about this. You can’t just cry and then expect me to ignore it”. “I want to have sex, Taehyung. You’ve been gone for months and I missed you”, I looked down his body and licked my lips, “I missed a lot of things”. He was still for a few seconds then slid his hands up, dragging my sweatshirt up and over my head, his eyes falling to my chest, “bad girl…” I shivered when his fingers ran down my sides, they felt like ice, it was exhilarating yet also a little nerve-racking. I closed my eyes then felt him lean up, his lips brushing my ear, “If you don’t want to tell me why you’re upset, then I guess we’ll just lay here all night doing nothing”. I bit my lip but let it go with a sigh, sitting back with a slight nod, “I just felt…neglected”. “Neglected?” “Yes, because you’ve been gone for over 6 months and then you spring this amazing news on me and I’m so excited to live with you because I love you so much but then you got a phone call and I felt so second place, Tae. I know you don’t mean it and I’m being stupid, but I missed you and I need you to just be here with me right now”, I stared at him, exasperated, and he cupped my face gently, kissing my lips far too gently. “I turned my phone off, and left it in the other room so no one could interrupt whatever we decide to do”, he nuzzled our noses together and smiled that cute little box smile that I love so much, “you have my full my attention for the next week, Y/N. We can do whatever you want, and then I’m here for the rest of the year, well into next year, okay?” I felt more tears coming up and so I smiled, burying my face in his neck, “I love you, giant teddy bear”. We sat there for a few minutes and then I kissed his jaw gently, “so uh…sex?” “I think that’s a great idea”, he flipped us over and I giggled as I bounced back on the bed, “and I think because you decided that I wasn’t paying enough attention to you, I’m going to give you so much attention you’ll want to hide from people for weeks”. I rolled my eyes and stretched, looking up at him, “whatever you say, babe”. He grinned and leaned down, kissing my neck once then hovering his lips over my skin, “don’t give me an attitude”. “I’m not!”, he kissed my shoulder now, making his way down to my chest slowly. Why is he such a tease? His tongue pressed flat against my nipple, flicking it roughly then backing up again, “I hate you, Kim Taehyung.” He smiled and slid down the bed, running his nose along my skin as he went. I looked down and watched him kiss just above my underwear and then he bypassed that area completely and pushed my legs apart, kissing my inner thighs. His fingers pressed into my hips and he started sucking on a random spot, creating a hickey about midway down my thigh. “Can you just get on with it?” He shook his head and sat back on his knees, looking down at me as he rubbed my legs, slowly making his way up to where I wanted him, “there’s no fun in just getting straight to it, babe”. I squirmed under his gaze and pushed my hips up toward him, “yes there is! You’d be inside me and you’d love that”. “You won’t convince me. I have months to make up for”, he smiled, sliding my panties down and tossing them to the floor, “tonight will be special”. I sighed and relaxed back, closing my eyes and feeling him lean down again, kissing my leg again. “Are you just going to lay there until I fuck you?”, he mumbled, poking my stomach, so I nodded. “God, fine. You’re so impatient sometimes”, he sighed, getting up. I looked up at him and watched him unbuckle his belt and take his pants off. Our eyes even looked away from each other and he climbed back over me, getting himself comfortable between my legs. “Part of me wants to just get up and walk away”, he smiled when I pouted, kissing my nose, “but I can’t imagine walking away from this”. I pushed my hips up against his and groaned when I felt fabric covering what I wanted most, “come on, Tae, please. I’m already wet enough, feel”. I pulled his hand down between my legs and he looked down when his fingers found my clit. He pulled his boxers down and kicked them off, lifting my legs and kissing me, “I love you”. “I love you, too, Taehyung”, I smiled, closing my eyes as he pushed the tip of his dick against me. “Open your eyes”, he grumbled, rubbing instead of going in, “look at me while I fuck you”. “Don’t be crude”, I blushed as I looked up at him again, “don’t be gross”. He kept one hand on my thigh and move his other down, rubbing my clit slowly, “you’re right, sorry”. He thrust in hard, only stilling once he was fully inside me, and my back arched violently as I slapped his chest. He kept rubbing slow circles on my clit and pulled out to push back in sharply again. “Taehyung, wait”, he shook his head and started a slow pace, staring down at me with a smirk on his face. A few more slow thrusts and I relaxed so he grinned, moving his hand back to my other thigh and holding them tight. Lord, save me. He thrust quickly now, pulling me down each time to slam deep, not faltering for a second. I gasped a moan and threw my head back, begging him to slow down, but of course, he didn’t. “T-Tae, baby, please fuck”, his hips moved faster, his hands moving up to my hips then he pulled me up suddenly so I was on his lap, his dick fully inside me. I shuddered and grabbed his shoulders, staring at him through hooded lids, “w-what?” “I just wanted to be closer to you”, he wrapped his arms around me and rolled his hips up as he kissed across my neck and chest, “you feel so good”. I moaned softly and pushed him down on the bed and sitting up, “you’re something else coming in here and teasing me like this”. “Are you going to make me pay for being so mean?”, he pouted but the smirk was still there. I rolled my eyes and put my hands on his chest, moving up and down slowly, yawning jokingly to mess with him. I got faster without warning and he groaned, grabbing my hips and biting his lip. Perfect. I brought my hands up to my hair and started moaning loudly, and unbelievably fake, bouncing on his cock, “oh, Tae!” He groaned and lifted me off of him, making me pout until he turned me over and got up on his knees. He pushed my face down into the bed and grabbed my hips, pushing back in me slowly, “bad girl”. He was moving slow, too slow, so I pushed back into him, whimpering, “more, please”. “More?” He rubbed my hips then stilled, adjusting some, “more it is then”. His hips were like pistons, thrusting so fast and into that perfect fucking spot. I moaned weakly and pushed my face into the pillow, groaning when he laughed. Ass. I felt my stomach tighten, I felt my toes curl, but I held out, getting up on my hands and moaning his name. One of his hands went to my ass, grabbing and smacking it roughly, “you feel so good baby. Six months without you, I don’t think I’ll last”. He thrust harder and I gasped, pushing back into him and biting my lip to shut up. I felt myself tightening around him and he groaned, panting out the sexiest sounds I’ve ever heard. I squeezed my eyes shut and fell down to my elbows, “T-Tae, I-I’m close please”. He pulled out and turned me over again quickly, leaning down and kissing me as he slid back in. I moaned and wrapped my arms around his neck, loving the feeling of his body against mine. He pulled back slightly and our eyes met, making me whimper, “don’t look at me like that”. He smiled and his eyes fell shut as he worked us both toward our orgasms; just a little more. I wrapped my legs around his waist to pull him closer and he rammed against my g-spot again, making my back arch and my chest to press against his. “Taehyung!” He groaned and buried his face in my neck, his hips moving faster as I tightened around him. I moaned loudly, a mixture of his name and yes and fuck, and my nails dug into his back, which egged him on. “Fuck, Y/N. Keep doing that”, he moaned, slowing his thrusts to help drag out the pleasure as long as possible. I came down, panting and leaning up to kiss his neck, which was hard. He shivered and kept rolling his hips so I smiled, biting his earlobe gently, “come inside me, Tae. I miss how it feels”. His grip tightened on my hips and he jerked with each shot of his release, groaning and grunting lowly. I could only hear him because his mouth was right at my ear, he’s always too quiet. I laid back and hummed as panted and looked all over my face. “I’m sorry that I’ve been so busy”, he sighed, sniffling quietly, “I promise when I go away I’ll be better about being there to talk any time you need it”. I held his face and smiled, kissing him slowly before laying back again, my fingers drawing lines on his cheeks, “you’re perfect, Taehyung. And the amount of attention you give me is more than enough. I just got upset because I’m needy and annoying”. He pouted so I grinned, kissing him again. “I love you, Y/N. I’ll always love you.” He kissed all over my face and I giggled, moving my hands to his shoulders, “I love you, too, Tae. Now get off me”.

I’m pretty sure this one wasn’t up before but I can’t remember because I suck :)

-Churro

[emospritelet]

Pixie Dust - chapter 9

In which Neal starts college, Gold and Belle pretend they don’t care about each other, and Gaston is a massive fucktrumpet

Thank you for voting and helping this to win Best Remix in the TEAs!

Also on AO3

Gold decided to take a couple of days off after the party.  He told himself that he had things he needed to take care of at home, and that was certainly true.  He was also feeling very tired and a little out of his depth.  His new life hadn’t left much free time for cleaning up the house or doing laundry, or for stocking the cupboards with food, and he gave himself a severe talk about taking better care of himself.  Of course, once the school term started again the following month, he would have far fewer opportunities for earning money through the agency, so he nonetheless intended to make the most of things while he could.

He had not spoken to Belle again after their melancholy dance in the study, but ever since that night she had not been far from his thoughts.  She seemed so terribly unhappy, and it made his heart ache, though he suspected she would not be calling the agency again.  It was probably just as well; his life was quite complicated enough without falling in love with a married woman.

Carrie had been delighted with his performance at the party, announcing in the car on their way back to the hotel that her father hated him with a burning passion.  She informed him that she might call on him to play the obnoxious antique dealer at her next work function, if he was willing.  Given that being an arsehole was far less work than having sex, that she tipped well, and that he liked her very much, it was a no-brainer.  In the meantime, however, he carried out the more traditional activities of one who sold his body, though thankfully he had not come across Mrs Tremaine or her daughter again.

He kept the next weekend free, as he had promised to take Neal to his student accommodation in Boston and see him settled in.  Neal would be travelling with his mother, which meant that he and Milah would need to be civil with one another for an entire day.  The odds of this happening were slim, certainly on her side.  He’d had a late night the previous evening, and despite staying over in Boston after leaving his client, he felt as though he’d hardly slept.  His eyes were hollow, his cheekbones more pronounced than usual, and he had absolutely no doubt that Milah would comment on it.  He didn’t bother to shave, just to give her more ammunition.

He had booked a table for lunch at a mid-priced Italian restaurant that Jefferson had recommended, and when he arrived Neal and Milah were already there, the latter tapping a high-heeled foot impatiently and flicking back her dark hair.  Gold hugged Neal, and nodded to his ex-wife.  She was dressed in a form-hugging dress and jacket with what looked like a designer bag and shoes, and was curling her lip as she looked him up and down critically.

“Alistair,” she said.

“Milah.”

“You look terrible,” she said bluntly.  “What on earth have you been doing?”

Neal rolled his eyes and muttered that he was going to the bathroom before stomping off.  Gold smiled.

“Well, some of us work for a living, dearie,” he said.  “That alimony won’t fund itself, you know.”

“No excuse to let yourself go,” she said, with a sniff.  “You’re going grey, you know.”

“Really?”  He showed his teeth.  “Can’t say I noticed.”

“Doesn’t surprise me, you never were very observant.”

He suspected that was a dig at his inability to pick up on her very obvious cheating while they were married, and he decided against saying that a) he’d been too bloody tired after working every hour God sent and b) he didn’t bloody care anyway.

“I still get mistaken for thirty, you know,” she added.

“Well, I’m not trying to win any beauty contests,” he said, keeping his voice light and calm by the simple fact of knowing how much it would annoy her not to get a rise out of him.

“I can see that.”  She made a show of running her eyes over him.  “At least you didn’t get fat, I suppose.  Still living on ramen?”

There was a malicious glint in her eyes, but he ignored her attempts to bait him into snapping at her.

“I’m putting our son through college,” he said evenly.  “It’s expensive.  Takes a lot of work.  And sacrifice.”

“If you’d done something more lucrative than teach, as I suggested, maybe your life wouldn’t suck quite so much,” she said nastily.

“Well, you could always get a job and help out,” he said, his tone mild.  “I’m sure Neal would appreciate the example you could set him.”

“I’m setting him an example by looking good,” she said dismissively, and shouldered her bag.  “Are we eating or not?”

Opening pleasantries exchanged, they made their way to a table, and Neal joined them a moment later, looking anxiously from one to another.  Gold sent him what he hoped was a reassuring smile, and picked up his menu.  Another eight hours, and hopefully he wouldn’t have to see her again before next summer.  He could handle eight hours.

The dorm room Neal had been assigned was clean and light, with double windows that looked out over the grounds, two beds, a couch and coffee table, and a small kitchen area.

“Nicer than student digs in my day,” remarked Gold, opening the fridge.

“You lived in Glasgow,” said Milah, in a bored voice.  “I’m surprised they had running water.”

Neal shared a long-suffering glance with his roommate, a pleasant boy by the name of August.

“I’ll bring the rest of my stuff,” he muttered, and Gold followed him back down to the car.

“She’s getting worse,” grumbled Neal.  “She met some guy who has a boat, so now she’s complaining that she could have had one if she hadn’t married young.”

“Maybe her mood will improve if the relationship works out,” said Gold lightly.  “Your mother doesn’t like to be alone.”

“Oh, I know.”  Neal’s voice was flat as he picked up a box of books.  “This is the third guy in as many years.”

“Well, perhaps it’s third time lucky,” suggested Gold, lifting the last case out of the trunk and shutting it.  He followed Neal into the building, pulling the case behind him on its wheels.

The elevator moved slowly, but it was easier than carrying the thing, and Neal leaned against the doors as it made its way up.

“I guess I’ll see you in a month or so,” he said.  “I’ll probably be too busy with study at weekends.”

“I’m sure you will,” agreed Gold.  “Once a month is fine.  You can bring me your tales of sadistic professors along with your dirty laundry.”

Neal chuckled, and the elevator bell pinged, the doors opening.  He stumbled out, colliding with a girl around his own age.

“Whoa, watch it!” she snapped, pushing at him, and took a step back, folding her arms.  Blonde hair fell in a sheet past her shoulder, and Gold smirked to himself as he saw Neal blush a little.

“Oh God, I’m - I’m so sorry!” he stuttered.  “I’m a clumsy idiot!”

“You got that right, asswipe,” said the girl, with a sniff, and marched off, arms swinging.  Neal watched her go, his mouth open.

“Ah, young love,” drawled Gold, pressing a hand to his heart, and Neal scowled.

“God, you’re so embarrassing!” he muttered, stomping back into the dorm room.

Once Neal was settled, and school had started, Gold accepted regular assignments from the agency, but limited them to two or three nights a week.  It made for little sleep and a short temper in the classroom, but Neal’s enthusiastic phonecalls telling of how much he loved his studies were a weekly reminder of why he was selling his body.  And really, the work wasn’t so bad, considering.  He had not heard from Belle since the party, and although he missed her, he told himself it was for the best.  Perhaps she had confronted her husband about his cheating, and was trying to make things up with him through couples counselling or whatever it was people did nowadays.  Perhaps she was moving on with her life in a positive way.  Perhaps she was happy.

Belle bent over, hands on her knees, gasping for air.  Her legs were shaking, the muscles feeling like jelly and her lungs burning, but the hit of endorphins had been worth it.  She straightened up, taking a long drink of water, and wiping the sweat from her brow.  She had run five miles, and finished with a series of punishing sprints, which were responsible for her current state of breathlessness.  It was a beautiful fall day, the leaves already turned red and beginning to flutter in the maples, ready to drop.  The air had a sharpness to it, a slight bite as she breathed it in, and she longed for the cold days of winter, for empty trails and the squeak of snow beneath her feet, and the taste of ice on her tongue.

She made her way slowly up the hill to the house, breaking into a gentle jog to keep her muscles warm.  It was a little after seven, and she was beginning to think fondly of breakfast.  It was nice to have a little appetite for a change; she had been increasingly anxious since the party, knowing that the credit card bill would be arriving soon, and she would have to confess what she had done. Gaston, for his part, had been his usual self.  He had pronounced the party to be a success, although he had complained about Gold’s behaviour and stated that he never wanted him in the house again.  There was a likelihood of new business coming the way of the firm, however, and that meant that he was pleased with himself, and with her.  He hadn’t been away on business since, and Belle wasn’t sure if she was pleased about that or not.

The sensible part of her brain told her that she should never have contacted the agency, that she should have confronted him directly and insisted on therapy, or couples counselling, or something.  The less rational part of her insisted that if it was okay for him to cheat for eight months and then continue to lie about it, then it was okay for her to actually pay for a little pleasure.  And then there was her heart.  Her heart told her that she would never be happy in her marriage, and that the one person who was perfect for her in every way was completely out of her reach.  It was a depressing thing to contemplate, and so she tried to shut off those thoughts whenever they crept in to disturb her rest.  Running helped.

She took a shower, scrubbing every inch of herself, and then dried her hair and put on a little dress and some make-up.  It was Friday, so Gaston would be doing business.  Perhaps she could go into town and meet Ruby for lunch, or go to her favourite bookstore.  She smiled at Lumiere as she went down to the breakfast room, where Gaston was already sitting with the paper open in front of him.  His hair was damp from the shower, and he grasped her hand as she passed, pulling her in for a long kiss.  She tried not to recoil.

“Good workout?” she asked, when he let her go, and he grinned.

“I think I need to get another leg-press,” he said.  “Either that or have Lefou sit on it.  It’s too easy.”

“I’m sure Lefou will have some ideas,” she said, going to sit opposite him.

The table was set with a selection of fresh fruit, cheeses and pastries, and pots of tea and coffee.  Belle reached for the pastries, and set two croissants on her plate, licking crumbs from her fingers before picking up the teapot and pouring.  Gaston was watching her over the top of his paper, and she waited for the inevitable comment on the nutritional value of her diet.  At least Mrs Potts had listened to her, and continued to bake croissants.  He had suggested that she might want to give them a miss, which only made her want them more.  

“Two croissants?” he said.  “Did you go for a longer run today, or something?”

Belle felt her jaw clench.

“No,” she said, reaching for the raspberry jam.  “I just wanted two croissants.”

“Two croissants and jam,” he amended, watching her.  “Fat, carbs, and sugar.  You’d be better eating an egg-white omelette.”

“You’re not,” she observed, pointing to his scrambled eggs and bacon, and he sniffed.

“Well, I have a lot of muscle.  Burns more,” he said.  “Why don’t I ask Mrs Potts to bring you some yogurt?”

“Because I want the damn croissants!” she snapped, and he frowned at her, then rolled his eyes with a sigh.

“Oh God, is it that time again?”

She decided not to respond to that, reaching for the butter instead just to freak him out a little more.  She tore off a piece of croissant and spread it with butter and jam, popping it into her mouth.

“You just ran five miles and now you’re undoing it all,” he said.  “What’s the point if you’re just gonna stuff your face when you get back?”

“No, I ran five miles and because of that I can eat this and not put weight on,” she said.  “Why do you care, anyway?”

“Because you’re not getting any younger, and it’s harder to keep the weight off in your thirties,” he said.

“Which is five years away.”

“Never too early to start making good choices,” he said.

“I don’t need a lecture on nutrition, Gaston, could you just let me eat the croissants?”

“Fine, don’t listen to me,” he said, rolling his eyes.  “I’m sure you know better.”

“I know I don’t need to be having this conversation right now.”

“Well, I’ll shut up then, since my opinion counts for nothing.”

Oh Jesus fucking Christ!  Belle put down her knife, her appetite disappearing.

“I didn’t say that,” she said patiently.  “I just want to eat my breakfast and not fight with you about it.  I could always go and do another run later, if you feel so strongly about it.”

“Well, now you’re being ridiculous.”

There was an awkward silence, and she spread jam on a piece of croissant, her stomach clenching with tension.  Gaston disappeared behind his paper again.

“By the way, I’m going to be in New York next week,” he said.  “Tuesday through Thursday.”

“Oh.”  Belle sipped at her tea.  “Anything important?”

“A possible deal with a haulage firm.  Could be a good opportunity.”

“Well, good luck.”  She hesitated, unwilling to say what was on her mind, but thinking that perhaps she should make an effort, since he wasn’t going to.  “You know, maybe I could come with you.”

The paper crackled as he folded it over to look at her.

“Come with me?” he asked.  “Why?”

“Well - it’s just that you always go alone,” she said.  “I thought - I thought maybe we could spend some time together, that’s all.”

“I’ll be working!” he protested.

“Not twenty four hours a day!” she said.  “And besides, there’s things in New York I’d like to see.  I could go to the museums while you’re working, and we could have dinner later.”

Gaston put the paper down, his brows lowering, fingers drumming on the table.

“This is about what happened with Zelena, isn’t it?” he said.

“A little,” admitted Belle.  “But only because I thought it would do us good to get away for a few days.  We haven’t taken a vacation in ages.”

“And you thought I’d be having some sort of wild affair without you?” he demanded.  “I thought we’d moved past that.”

“I’m sure you did,” she said, her tone dry.

“It hurts that my own wife doesn’t trust me,” he went on, sitting back and folding his arms.  “I’ve apologised, I’ve said it won’t happen again, and nothing seems to be enough for you.  It’s very hard for me to know what to do for the best when you keep holding things over me, accusing me.”

“I haven’t accused you of anything,” she said tiredly.  “Look, can we just drop it?  I want to eat my breakfast and get on with my day, that’s all.”

“Not easy when you’re sitting there scowling,” he said, in a sulky tone.  “Everyone was asking about you at the party, you know.  Said you were very quiet.”

Belle looked down at her plate.

“I don’t care,” she muttered.  “It’s none of their business.”

“Image is everything, Belle,” he reminded her, as though it needed repeating after four years of marriage.  “I don’t need any of the Boston elite thinking I can’t keep my wife happy.”

“Then let me do something!” she pleaded, dropping her knife on the plate with a clatter.  “Let me go back to school!  That would make me happy, Gaston!”

He put down his own fork with a sigh, but his eyes had softened.

“We talked about this,” he said gently.  “I like you here, waiting for me when I get home from a hard day at the office.  A warm welcome from my beautiful, perfect wife.  You agreed, remember?”

That wasn’t quite how Belle recalled the conversation, but she couldn’t remember enough of their exact words to form a strong enough rebuttal.

“It just feels - it just feels as though I’m wasting my life!” she protested.  “And that’s nothing to do with you, it’s about me not being able to do what I want!”

He sat back, spreading his arms.

“And this isn’t enough?” he asked.  “Do you remember the house you grew up in?  The life I took you away from?  Do you remember not having enough money to heat the house when your father got sick?”

“Of course…”  She put her head in her hands for a moment, too tired to argue.  “I know how lucky I am, believe me.”

He grunted, turning back to his eggs, and her belly roiled with dread as she tried to mouth a criticism.  He never liked those.

“It’s just - it hurts when you stomp all over the things I want to do, act like they’re nothing,” she said in a rush.

“I don’t do that!”

“Yes, you do!” she insisted.  “I told you I wanted to teach, and you acted like it was beneath me.”

“You’re my wife,” he said coldly.  “Of course it’s beneath you.”

“I don’t believe teaching is beneath anyone!” she said hotly.  “Honestly, Gaston, it feels as though you don’t care what I want, only what you want.”

He was silent for a moment, looking at her from beneath dark, heavy brows.

“Well, now you’ve made me feel bad,” he said, and she wanted to groan.

The argument was cut off by Mrs Potts, entering with a tray of fresh coffee.  She picked up on the atmosphere immediately, hurriedly setting down the fresh pot and putting the empty one on the tray she carried.

“These came for you, sir,” she said, handing him a sheaf of envelopes, and Gaston grunted in response.

Mrs Potts bustled out, sharing a brief smile with Belle, who felt her heart thump as she watched him thumb through the envelopes.  Would this be the day?  Bile rose in her throat as he opened each envelope in turn, reading the contents before either making a noise of approval and laying it to his right, or a snort of derision and tossing it to his left.  She swallowed hard, tearing off a piece of croissant to distract herself, willing herself to stay calm.  Oh God, this was a mistake, this was a mistake!  Why the hell hadn’t she agreed to have the transactions disguised, like any sane person?  Why the hell had she let her anger at him make her so reckless?  Her hands shook as she poured more tea, and she eyed the final envelope, her breath quickening as he slit it open and pulled out a sheaf of pages folded into thirds.  There.

Gaston unfolded the statements with a flick of thumb and forefinger, scooping up scrambled eggs with the fork in his other hand, and Belle felt her heart thump in trepidation as she waited for the inevitable.  Sure enough, after a moment or so he stopped chewing, his eyebrows lowering, and he looked up at her, shaking the statement with a sharp crackle of paper.

“What the hell is this?” he demanded.  

“What?” asked Belle, with all the innocence she could muster, and sipped her tea.  She would have to admit it, there would be no evading this.  Be brave be brave be brave!

Gaston studied the statement again, and she swallowed, her throat catching painfully as she waited for the explosion.

“Four - no - almost five thousand dollars to something called Blue Star,” he said, frowning, and his fingers tightened on the paper.  “What the - thirty five hundred dollars to The Avonlea?  What the hell is going on?”

Belle popped a grape into her mouth, chewing.  His eyebrows drew down even further as he read on.

“And here again!” he protested.  “Wait, what - I don’t believe this, almost twelve fucking grand to this Blue Star crap!  What the fuck?”

He threw down the statement, his chest heaving in outrage as pages scattered across the breakfast table.

“Well, I guess there’s been some sort of fraud,” he said.  “I’d better call the bank, cancel the cards.”

“No need.”  Belle began spreading raspberry jam on a piece of her croissant to disguise the shaking of her hands.  “It was me.”

There was silence for a moment, a terrible, heavy silence.

“You?” said Gaston eventually, and Belle nodded.  He looked puzzled.

“What the hell could you spend twenty grand on in the space of a few days?” he asked.

“Oh, I hired an escort,” she said, with an airy tone at odds with her racing pulse, and popped the piece of croissant into her mouth.  He blinked.

“What?” he said flatly.

She chewed and swallowed, watching him, her heart fluttering with anxiety.

“An escort,” she repeated.  “A male prostitute.  You said I didn’t really like sex, and I thought maybe I just didn’t like it with you, so I booked a suite at The Avonlea and I hired him for twelve hours and he gave me a bunch of orgasms.  And a back rub.”

Gaston simply stared at her, breathing hard, his eyes wide.  She shrugged.

“Anyway, it was pretty intense, so I hired him again, for a full twenty four hours,” she added.  “I took him out on The Sea Witch and we sailed along the coast, and I fucked him every way I could.  It was awesome, actually.”

There was silence.  Her heart was pounding, and she waited for the inevitable explosion.  To her great surprise though, he laughed, a rich, deep laugh that echoed around the room.

“Very funny, Belle,” he said agreeably.  “If a little vulgar.  You’ve had your fun, now tell me what these payments were really for.”

She raised her chin.

“I’m deadly serious,” she said.  “Call the agency, if you don’t believe me.”

Gaston was staring at her, his chest heaving, and she willed herself to stay still, to face him.

“An escort?” he said eventually.

She nodded, not trusting herself to speak.  There was a moment of silence.

“You - you paid for sex?” he asked, and she nodded again.

Gaston looked at the statements in his hands, his breathing growing louder, faster.  He crumpled the papers with a crush of his hands, shoving back his chair and storming from the room.  The door slammed behind him, and Belle felt herself sag in her chair, her heart racing.  Well.  At least it’s out.

[seaholidaymaker]

21 August 1983

After 37 years, the murder/assasination of former Senator Ninoy Aquino and the alleged assasin, Rolando Galman remain unsolved. The assasination happened in the afternoon of 21 August; I was a fresh graduate still living in the university dormitories. It was a Sunday, but most of my dorm mates stayed in Los Banos. The Friday before that was our Dorm's Open House, and most of us spent Saturday nursing hangovers, cleaning our rooms and getting rid of the trash. Mid-afternoon, it was announced on TV that former Sen. Ninoy Aquino was killed by an unknown gunman at the Manila International Airport. Opposition leaders, led by Sen (later Vice President) Doy Laurel were in the airport as a welcoming party; many brought yellow ribbons and balloons. He tearfully repeated on TV the report of Aquino's assasination, and called on everyone to gather at the Baclaran Church for a prayer rally. Ninoy Aquino came back to Manila from Boston through Taibei on a China Airlines flight. He travelled with Ken Kashiwahara then an ABC News correspondent (later he joined CNN). Later that afternoon, government and military officials appeared on the news, giving updates on the situation. It was late in the evening (about 9:00 PM) when President Marcos appeared and made the formal announcement. The story given was that a lone, unidentified gunman sneaked past the cohort of military escorts that fetched the Senator from his seat at the China Airlines flight from Taibei, and as he came down through the stairs, shot the senator a number of times. The military was placed on high alert and the president promised a thorough and impartial investigation. At that time, Marcos' state of health was unclear. There were many who observed that he looked and sounded weak, bloated and incoherent during that TV appearance. Many of us noticed that he hardly moved (he was famous for his eloquent gestures) during that long appearance. As dorm residents in LB, we often knew about the military alerts; 5 of our dormmates were sons of generals and it was a common sight to have a team of military men hanging around our mess hall during high alert periods. It felt more ominous that afternoon because instead of hanging around, they brought all the military kids back home that same evening. The political opposition then started becoming more active. Ninoy's body was taken by his family (his mother and his siblings; Cory Aquino was still in Boston with the children at that time) and announced that the body will lie in state at Santo Domingo church in Quezon City. Hundreds of thousands of people lined up to view the body. The family decided to display the body in the same clothes and in the state when it was released to them, bloodstains and wounds clearly visible. That whole week, in practically all channels (Channel 2 was not ABS-CBN then but Banahaw Broadcasting) the programs were frequently pre-empted by breaking news. Bayan Ko and Tie a Yellow Ribbon were frequently played in the non-government stations. Indignation rallies started all over; there was a weekly yellow confetti shower from the tall buildings in Ayala Avenue as a gesture of protest. A bit of trivia for the period: The thick PLDT phone directories (esp the yellow pages) became scarce because office people were tearing them up and turning them into confetti for the protests, thus giving birth to the term, "dilawan." The wake for Ninoy lasted nearly 2 weeks; capped by a mammoth funeral procession lasting almost 12 hours from Quezon City to Manila Memorial Park Over the next few months, the economic forecasts got gloomier by the day. The business community was protesting against the government, slowing economic growth. Political instability wreaked havoc on the peso-dollar exchange rate, and the IMF called in the sovereign debts, sending everything in a downward spiral. This situation, with political protests getting more strident, lasted over three years until a new government was installed in 1986.

[swirlyrobe]

Jul 28, 2015

Details:

I got kicked out of middle school for almost throwing a chair at someone because I got jealous when I saw the girl I liked kiss some guy so,

after that i ended up in a special ed school and thats when i started listening to rap with dipset and stealing yugioh cards for money and robitussin to get high. when i was 16 i only had a couple good friends and everybody else just avoided me caus they were scared i was going to fight them and one of them steve (who’s 3 years younger than me) had me meet his (at the time) ex gf one day and i ended up getting my thing sucked>.> yea for the first time and then we planned to lose our virginity the next week. she brought her friend and we had a threesome tho my drugs caught up with me because i was on probation for beating somebody up on the bus and i kept getting dirty urines for weed so i went to rehab a couple weeks after

i never really had gfs in highschool other than that, there was only 5 girls in my special ed school, i was friends with most of them but they used me for drugs. i went to community college right after highschool and made friends rapping tho immediately got involved in a small crime ring of stealing video games from stores, selling them to gamestop to make a couple hundred daily as well as smoking a lot more weed (while still on probation for another assault) that didnt catch up with me yet tho when i was 19 this girl sabrina added me on facebook and i really liked her, ended up meeting her at the mall it was a really sweet date(we had fun getting physical😄) she wasn’t like everybody else because she didnt try to be normal. i had court coming up though i ended up smoking pcp for the first time and had a psychotic break where i thought this girl was her (who wasnt) and got arrested for unlawful restraint (i thought she was bugging out and i didnt want to leave until i knew what was wrong). i went to jail and got released to rehab again.

when i got out of rehab i went to outpatient rehab (i was 20 now) and met a woman heather who was 33. we dated and she bought a ring for me 3 months after to propose which i accepted because i was desperate and i thought i loved her though she asked if i was attracted to her and i honestly said only her face and not her body so she broke up with me. after that i started smoking again until i started talking to this girl Haley who lived the city over from me, she said she wanted a brother yet i really started liking her when we talked. this is when i really started realizing i liked younger girls and she ended up admitting she had a bf months after and lied to both of us. (i made a lot of songs about her😔😪){&2020 update about haley: we moved on with our lives and had never met though I talked to her a little on Facebook this year and, thankfully I wasn't as enamored and clingy😪}

there's a couple dozen other girls i dated/talked to between that and then there was bella who heard my music on an old social site called PHEED and i thought she was beautiful so i told her that and we talked. she lived in texas but we had intense convos she was really smart, beautiful, funny and we swore we would be together though i had to go to rehab again(this time inpatient in New London where, I lived in a sober house & got a job after) because i violated probation yet i wanted to test if she’d stay with me so i didnt tell her i went. about 4 months later when i was getting out of rehab i talked to her again and she acted like everything was alright and she had moved to NY as well as gotten a license and really had her life together. she said she loved me and was gonna drive to see me in new london so, I waited an hour for her to come until I talked to her and she said because I "played" her she was playing me so, not coming 😢😞(this was in 2014)

So in 2015 I was clean about a year so, I applied & got accepted for McNally Smith college of music (to major in audio production) in st Paul Minnesota where I Was clean for months until (for some reason I forgot but, probably running around fast) I got kicked out of my weightlifting gym out there so I was upset and, found some people @ a park near downtown st Paul smoking weed which I got in on and, ten weeks later I saw someone with dreads buying a dutch in a bodega so, I asked if he knew where to get weed and: It turned out he was a dealer so I ended up buying lot's of weed and trading for studio time for him to record but, I got caught smoking sometimes in my dorm & because I got in arguments with students and staff at college so, they warned me if I got in ANY fight in or, outside of school I would be expelled & I DID get expelled; probably because of the fight where I sent that guy who hit my head with a brick to the hospital (which drew a LOT of attention and PROBABLY was on the news)

Though they said it was because I got in too many arguments and, smoked too much weed in my dorm...

So I moved back with my grandma later in 2015 where I was until she kicked me out for smoking weed and k2 so, I was homeless In which I slept under a blanket near the library and, behind a church in hamden until, the church let me live in their garage when it became winter so I stayed there until early 2016 where, I moved to a spot in Hamden off the bike trail in the woods where I started with a one person tent until I stole a 8 person tent from Walmart and, uused a shopping cart to carry a bed my friend gave away down the bike trail to my spot and late I stole a propane heater plus propane powered stove so I stole an empty propane can outside of krauzers and I kept paying $20 to get it filled at The car wash up the street so I used it to cook ramen and, oatmeal on my stove and power my heater in the winter and I finally got clean in August 2016 while STILL homeless then completed a course to get into CTWORKS which helped me get nice used suits and an interview g for the job I got at Chipotle in December 2016 while, still homeless 😪 I told them I still lived at my grandmas and took showers at my friend's house until I got a la fitness membership with my first paycheck which was actually through the woods near my tent so, I took showers there EVERY morning & worked out there in addition to, at my tent where I still had a barbell set from my grandmas and, then in the spring of 2017 I applied to and, got a landscaping job I saw on the ctworks job search online so I woke up at 5am EVERY morning with a battery powered alarm clock I stole from Walmart and, caught the first Whitney bus that went downtown at 5:30 and, then I took the next train around 5:45 to go to milford where, the landscaping base is so I ran there when I got to Milford around 6am to get there on time by 6:30-45

So I worked there while I was still homeless and, I got approved for shelter plus Care which some people That lived in the woods near me told me about and, I got my apartment with 2 jobs off the post road behind dunkin donuts in West Haven so, I took The bus up the post road to get to BOTH jobs until, I saw a moped for sale from east haven on Craigslist for$200 in mid spring of 2017 which, I rode to my jobs on until, I got a drivers permit (coincidentally on the day I heard my grandma was dying so, I Went to her house and Watched her die 😥

Then I took drivers ed classes;

Then I started getting driving lessons in late spring 2017 until I learned to drive in a couple months so, I took the drivers test in summer 2017 and, then took motorcycle classes at north haven gateway (where I ran into my dr's receptionist Alexandra ai had a crush on (who I even had written and recorded a song about) then, my mom helped me get my 250 ninja from new Haven power sports so: I drove that to my jobs until my crash on August 6th 2019 which, I don't remember but, I woke up at the residential physical rehab hospital Gaylord where : I leave weekly what happened was I hit an suv on mg way to work, had a right brain stroke & broken pelvic also my left side was paralyzed and got contractures (where my left arm, fingers and left got really curled up and difficult to straighten so I'm still working on walking again 😥

(I'm getting botox injections to help my left side straighten and , I'm able to my left leg and arm though, they're really bent and my fingers are too bent for me to move, use,or, hold anything😪

So now I am living at my aunts waiting to get another apartment through my insurance agency while, I still get votox every 2 months unrtil I hopefully gain control and use of my left side😪 &, the ability to walk again...

I went from being REAL STRONG to, being weak (though I'm ljfting more with my right arm with a dumbbell then I used to!)

Either way: I'm a survivor!

💪🏽😁👍🏼