#WHICH ARE FASCINATING and I don’t think anyone in the fandom ever wrote about them

[hils79]

Catching up on some of the things I've been tagged in. Some of these are very old. So sorry. I'm crap.

Fic author interview! I was tagged by the fantastic @lynne-monstr

No-pressure tagging: @pangzi @foxofninetales @merinnan @killerandhealerqueen @strandedchesspiece @thesilversun @silver-colour

How many works do you have on AO3?

266 as of now

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

1,467,370 words however some of those words are on collaborative fics. I don't know how to filter out the ones I wrote by myself but it's well over the 1,000,000 mark and that makes me happy

3. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Unleashed  (MCU, Bucky Barnes/Steve Rogers) - 801 kudos

Visible to All But Me - (DMBJ, Wu Xie/Zhang Qiling) - 666 kudos (ehehe 😈)

The Truth About Cats, Dogs and Penguins - (Men's Hockey RPF. Evgeni Malkin/Sidney Crosby) - 621 kudos

In which Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes are surprisingly capable parents - (MCU, Bucky Barnes/Steve Rogers) - 530 kudos

Not The Russian Way- (The Man From UNCLE movie, Ilya Kuryakin/Napoleon Solo/Gaby Teller) - 516 kudos

I find it fascinating that a DMBJ fic is in my top 5. The other fics are all pretty old and in large and popular fandoms. I think it was just good timing in that I posted when a lot of people who have since moved on to other fandoms were into DMBJ off the back of Ultimate Note airing.

4. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I try! I think it's just polite to at least say thank you. Occasionally I do forget of miss one though.

5. What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

I don't really do sad or angsty endings

6. What’s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending?

Yeah, pretty much all of them.

7. Do you write crossovers?

Very rarely. I think all my crossovers have been co-written with other people.

8. Have you ever received hate on a fic?

Not hate exactly, but somone once accused me of plagiarism because I posted a fic with vaguely similar themes to one of theirs. Luckily for me this was back in the LJ days where there was a comm specifically for reviewing accusations of plagiarism where independent people would review both fics. Of course they ruled in my favour but it was really fucking upsetting at the time.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

I have, but I prefer not to.

10. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I am aware of.

11. Have you ever had a fic translated?

I have! Someone translated one of my MCU fics into Chinese which made me very happy.

12. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Yes, a bunch of times! It can be really fun if you get along well with the people you're writing with.

13. What’s your all-time favorite ship?

That's like asking me what my favourite fandom is. My favourite ship is whatever ship I am into at the time.

14. What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

RIP my au for The Untamed where Lotus Pier was a hotel that famous musician Lan Wangji came to stay in while he was on tour.

15. What are your writing strengths?

Probably dialogue or soft domestic fluff

16. What are your writing weaknesses?

Description. A beta reader recently commented that in one of my fics I hadn't actually described what anyone looks like. I just want them to talk and kiss, okay?

17. What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

Not full dialogue, no, but now that I've started writing in Chinese fandoms I think there are some words that can be used. Generally only terms of address, though. Like someone calling someone 'laoban'

18. What was the first fandom you wrote for?

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

19. What’s a fandom/ship you haven’t written for yet but want to?

I do still kind of want to write some Mysterious Lotus Casebook fic. At least one at any rate.

20. What’s your favorite fic you’ve written

Juxtaposition (DMBJ, Wang Pangzi/Wu Xie/Zhang Qiling)

I don't generally write AUs, and I definitely have never written anything close to this long before. It took me a year to write it and I am very proud of it.

[moonmanatee]

Twenty Questions for Fic Writers

sweet @saintgarbanzo tagged me even though he knows I’ve got but the one lil fic! then it got lost in my drafts. this might be a bit silly but cool to see where I’m starting, maybe. thank you, chickpea! you can find his lovely answers here 🥰

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

just one: Sun Shower!

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

5950

3. What fandoms do you write for?

so far just HP, but I’ve got some drafts of other stuff (some SOC, AML, etc) that I may or may not keep working on. I did just cannibalize my favorite line from a wesper wip for a drarry one sooo we shall see

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

haha! sun shower

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I do - commenting is probably my most favorite part of being a fic reader, so the comments section is important to me. there’s so much to love out there, and the comments are my favorite place to express it

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

none! don’t think I’m angst guy, really. I have some wips with pining, with complicated family feelings, with hurt, but it doesn’t quite feel like angst. and certainly won’t end that way!

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

well, surprise: sun shower has a pretty sweet ending. it feels like a beginning more than an ending, though.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

I haven’t! does it count if my partner is like ‘noooo, abandoning me for the laptop again’

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

hmm, I think my smut is overwhelming and reverent and enthusiastic and honest and probably a little excessive. and WANT. and kinky. once I share some you’ll have to let me know if this is accurate

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

my mind is always thinking in connections, but that usually comes out in AU form (drarry: grace & frankie! parent trap!! the beckhams!! wesper princess diaries 2 AU!!!), rather than like everyone showing up in the same scene. so no, i guess.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

nope!

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

nope!

13. Have you ever co-written a fic?

not yet, but I think I would really love this. I feel so much love about other people’s writing and so excited to share in ideas, so I feel like this format would be such a delight for me.

14. What’s your all-time favorite ship?

I don’t think I have one all-time, because once I love something I love it forever. so I just keep collecting more all-time favorites. but drarry I feel the most immense about and committed to, which is saying something because there’s very little I love that I don’t love immensely. and to be honest, my commitment to drarry is certainly because I love them as characters, but it is also about the community being so wonderful. so thank you, y’all, it’s really special here.

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but probably never will?

so I had this completely bonkers idea that I call “avada banana tag” which is when someone dies everyone they avada-ed comes back to life, like banana tag. i.e. when Molly kills Bellatrix, we get Sirius back, etc (yes I know that only happens in the movie but bear with me for goofy concept reasons). like, the spell only holds as long as they do? makes it a pretty short-sighted way of killing someone. but that’s as far as the idea goes because it’s so absurd and messy, and I don’t think canon rewrites are something I’d know how to do justice. but I think it’s so funny and fascinating, so if anyone wants to run with it please feel free

16. What are your biggest writing strengths?

100% it’s coming up with ideas. you should see my idea dump document, it’s abundant in there. and maybe description, I hope, and sensory experiences

17. What are your biggest writing weaknesses?

I won’t call it a weakness but I have less experience with plotty things, and get really stuck in dialogue that feels off.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language?

I’m not fluent enough in anything else that I think I could do this myself, but as a reader I really love it, both when I do and don’t understand what’s going on. and I like communicating that they’re speaking in another language without just translating. I think I’d love to incorporate my other languages (spanish and ASL) into fic, and I also love when Draco speaks french. when it’s well done I think it’s so impactful!

19. What was the first fandom you wrote for?

I think it was actually someone else’s OCs, what feels like forever ago

20. What is your favorite fic you’ve written?

the one that’s still in my brain that I think about most days… it’s so very beautiful. I hope one day it makes it out of there!

though I love sun shower too. my first real guy, feels like a big deal, I’m proud of myself for doing it and actually sharing it!

I will tag @elskanellis, @getawayfox, @saintlupin, @rockingrobin69 if you want and haven’t already!!

[hullosweetpea]

20 Questions for Fic Writers

thank you @catknives for tagging me (even though i’m responding 2 months later 😅)

First, my AO3

How many works do you have on AO3?

107!

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

223, 678 words, counting co-writing and co-podding works!

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Currently Stranger Things, but I do have some Fargo s5 fic in the works. Back in the day it was a lot of Supernatural, Doctor Who, Check Please!, Schitt’s Creek, (regrettably) The Big Bang Theory, Marvel, The Mortal Instruments, and The Infernal Devices

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Familiar to Me (Supernatural), Intervention (Supernatural), felled by you (Stranger Things), Avenging Barbarian (Stranger Things), and A Truth Universally Acknowledged (Stranger Things)

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I do! Mainly because I like the interaction (especially when readers have predictions/ world-building thoughts). I also screenshot my favorite ones for when I need motivation or a pick me up.

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Probably Happy Springtime Cas (Supernatural) because it’s Main Character Death

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

This Ken Has a Boyfriend! (Stranger Things) because it is pure crack and delight ❤️

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Not so much hate, but I could always tell when someone hasn’t seen You’ve Got Mail based on how critical they are of Cas in A Truth Universally Acknowledged. Which, at that point, please discuss it with your friends and not me. I decided to follow the plot of You’ve Got Mail pretty close, and for some people it was too much that Dean lost his store like Kathleen. (And I only cried about it twice, which is a win for me).

9. Do you write smut?

yes, primarily omegaverse and kink. oh if 15 year old sweetpea could see me now skdlfjsdjf

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

Gonna show my age here, but for my 100th fanfic on FF.net I wrote a SuperWhoLock fic. I’ve also written a Supernatural/Check Please! crossover, and I’m in the middle of writing a Fargo/Stranger things crossover (Gator with older Steve/Eddie, anyone?).

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

No, thank god!

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Yes! Birthday Wish (Stranger Things) was translated by Azalea_Violetta

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

I’m currently working on a co-written fic for a ST Femslash Server I’m in (not sure how much I can say publicly!). But I’ve been apart of many multi-voice podfic (podfic voiced with a whole cast instead of one person).

14. What’s your all time favorite ship?

Currently gripped by Steddie.

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?

The bio-bdsm destiel fic. I might get back to it some day, but my Stranger Things fascination gripped me about the same time I was noodling with it. Also, I’m so bad about finishing long fics 🤦‍♀️

16. What are your writing strengths?

Description, sentence fragments as poetic license

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Plot v. cool scene, anxiety editing

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

I’d like to apologize for 16 year old me for slapping Google Translate lines in fic. I’m sure there were many cringy translations. Otherwise, I don’t think too hard when I see them in fic.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Unposted: American Girl; Posted: Doctor Who

20. Favorite fic you’ve written?

pinkie swear (Stranger Things). It was my last fill for Stobin Month and it was so cathartic and enjoyable to write. I just love Steve and Robin’s friendship ❤️

tagging: @hullomoon, @faithfulcat111, @mayalaen, @starshideurfics, and @goonflower

[palavapeite]

hello, I have some ask meme letters for you: C, K and N! please and thank you :* (JSMN answers are of course encouraged but not necessary)

C - A ship you have never liked and probably never will.

Hmm, “never liked” is a difficult phrase because I can entertain a lot of things in a crack or hypothetical or experimental way without truly getting behind the idea of them, but also without actively disliking them outright. There’s nothing in the jsamn fandom that’s made me go “yikes”, which might be because of the source material but also because people are mature and sensible and kind in this fandom. If we’re talking really sincerely liking ships in my little heart of hearts, I have to say really struggle with segundus/anyone other than childermass tbh. It’s not that I can’t grasp the appeal of passing old ‘gunders around, but I don’t think I’ll ever truly like it, if that makes sense? I also can’t get behind norrell/childermass (even though I’ve read good fic for them?) because to me the fascinating things about their relationship just lie elsewhere.

K - What character has your favorite development arc/the best development arc?

Hmmmm, I want to say… strange? I mean, plenty of characters have really great journeys, but maybe it’s because he’s Arrogance that I just find his journey to be particularly wild. His growing into himself is simultaneously his becoming of his own worst enemy in many ways, and somehow that’s the only way he can fulfil his potential/destiny? The same applies to norrell, of course, but strange is louder about it, so I’m letting him win this one. 😂

N - Name three things you wish you saw more of in your main fandom (or a fandom of choice).

Damn, my go-to answer of “Emma/Flora” no longer flies as well ever since @ilthit wrote that absolute killer of a fic for me. 🥹 Ruin me.

I really don’t know how to answer this. I’ve been very bad at actively or meaningfully engaging in fandom in the past year (both jsamn and all my other ones as well) and have mostly been sitting on the sidelines watching other people do their thing and thinking/talking to myself, so my grasp of “the state of the fandom” feels a bit too vague right now to actually wish for anything?

Thank youuuu. 💜

[imagineitdearies-old]

No the posts were definitely hating on fem luke and especially the reply one posted by the author of the not the boy cheating fic. Which you liked so don’t backtrack now.

Alright, so I'm off work now and went and reread the two posts you guys are referencing. This will be in response to all the anons in my ask box rn.

Idk about you, but I don’t have to think “wow I would write this myself, every word is like it came straight from my brain, it is now gospel to me” to hit the like button on a tumblr post as I scroll. I do it because I found it in someway interesting or relatable. I'm still getting used to ppl even noticing me on here, but I wasn't trying to tell fem!Luke writers they are inherently bad, that's not even what I got out of those posts--if I had, I would have just kept scrolling. I see now quite a few people found me doing that to be hateful though, so I'm happy I could explain my own opinion when someone wanted it. I, again, apologize for unintentionally hurting anyone; fictional characters mean a lot less to me than living breathing humans.

Rereading my tags, people may be mad I put "anti fem!Lucerys"? I usually add anti to things if they're talked about with any sort of critique, just bc I want people who have that tag filtered to not see anything approaching criticism on their dash. (I have anti alicent hightower filtered out, for instance, so it's annoying to me when people don't tag it properly). I like criticism/hot takes for most things lucemond but I know a lot of people don't.

Unlessss it's that I wrote fans who refuse any portrayal but fem!Luke being “weird (not good)"? I was being brief since it was just tags, but was referring to how many people have such a preference that they hate on everything that doesn’t fit their fem/bottom view of Luke. It's weird, it's not good. My fic somehow filtered out most of them by my first few chapters, so I got lucky, but that's always been concerning for me to see in other comment sections. DLDR, ya know?

As for the second post, the part that 'people should just go for Aemondxfem!oc more often' was a controversial statement I wholeheartedly agree with (not that it matters?? people can use the name Lucerys however it pleaseth them). But also I liked their last few paragraphs that reiterate what I’m telling you now—I’m not here to police anyone. I’m not here to force anyone to like what I like or be careful about the things I think are important, or vice versa. This fandom is soooo tropey and polarizing in every way and that's fascinating to me, and I do think some weirdly-prevalent tropes in this ship can contribute to stereotypes when they’re used en masse (honestly I have way more personal dislike for toxic abusive Aemond being romanticized, let's not even start)….but I’ll say it again, my opinion literally means nothing and at the end of the day I more care that people enjoy what they like. I would be a hypocrite otherwise.

You can be mad at me if you want. Your prerogative. But someone asked me to clarify, so I did, and people can make of it whatever they will and unfollow me etc etc if that will help. I'm just now noticing the lucemond tag is flooded with talk about this (and some fun fem!Luke recs)--it's definitely a bigger deal than I ever thought to make of it while doomscrolling last night, so my wisdom failed me there.

Shout out to those genuinely hurt by me--idk how many, but y'all are valid.

[liminalpsych]

Treasuring the cringe

tl;dr: I found out that people are still reading a niche fanfic I wrote over the course of my entire adolescence, roughly two decades ago. But writing that story very literally kept me alive some days as a depressed, closeted teen, and so I treasure the story and have left it online even though I find it painfully, embarrassingly cringe-worthy at this point in my life.

Full story:

Just the other day, I joined a Discord about fanfic from my very first active fandom. I wanted to see what the fandom was like nowadays (I was honestly surprised to stumble across an active Discord server) and if there was anyone from back in my day. *shakes cane* “Back in my day” (in the fandom) was 1997-2005 or so. Maybe even later, through some of college. Age ~11 or 12 onwards.

I mention all of this, and the person in the chat says, “I think there’s not a lot of people here you would know of — most of us are new, young people who might not have been born in 1997” lololol okay thanks, I’ll just feel old then*.

They ask me if I’ve got any experience with fanfiction in the fandom. I answer yes, because my longest story I ever completed was in that fandom (worked on it from ~13 y/o right up until I turned 19), at ~110k words or so. They ask for a link.

Me: Ahahaha oh no, i wrote it over the course of my high school years and it’s … not held up but uh. Might still be on ye olde FFN, lemme see if I can find it

Me: anyway, please don’t judge me, I was young and dealing with a lot 😉 *links the fic*

Other person: Oh look it’s that one!

Me: oh no

Them: I’ve read it multiple times!

Me: oh whew

Them: It’s the top place on the TV Tropes Fanfic Recs page for the fandom

Me: …I can never show my face in the fandom again.

Another person chimed in with a very lovely reframe: "Be proud of younger you, for if not for them you would not be the person you are today."

Which is indeed a large part of the reason I haven't deleted that fanfic from the internet. Certainly it's divorced from my current internet presence, because I find it painfully cringe-worthy, and still get embarrassed when my memory presents me with some of the more questionable plot choices.

But when I felt the most despair, when I just wanted everything to stop, when I wanted to just not feel like this anymore, I grabbed onto any silly little thing to keep going. Just one more day, and then another.

And the fact that I hadn't finished the story was one of those silly little things that kept me going.

"I can't die yet, I owe it to my characters to finish their story."

"I can't die yet, people have been reading this story and deserve to get an ending to it first."

"I can't die yet, then I won't ever find out what happens." (I was a pure discovery writer/pantser at the time.)

So I let it stay up, because it was an important, influential part of my life, and in a way it saved my life on multiple occasions. And a story written over the course of several years, during a time of rapid personal growth and identity development, is a fascinating reflection of the that process.

I look back and I can see the anger I was denying in myself, the anger I couldn't express in my daily life, all expressing through the main character. I see an exploration of the relationship with my parents and authority and imposed morality and the hypocrisy of the structures imposing that morality, all things I was struggling with at the time. I see a reflection of my own trauma, the toxic family dynamic I grew up on, drawn in abstract allegory without even realizing it. I see the struggle with my own sexuality, closeted even to myself but showing up on the page. I can even see hints of my still-in-the-egg gender identity showing up in some of the narrative choices and POV characters, though I don't think anyone else would recognize it as such.

15-20 years later, I'm in such a better place. I'm consciously aware of many of the things I was subconsciously or unconsciously expressing as a teenager. I have a lot more hope, and a lot better relationships with myself and others now.

If you have access to your very early writing, it can be a cringy but valuable, insightful process to go back through it and see what you notice now. Things that were subconscious or unconscious at the time, but showed up in your characters, storytelling, genre, plot, dialogue.

* I don't actually have qualms about getting older. I was the youngest in my various friend groups for most of my life, so it's nice not to be the young one anymore. And you could not pay me enough to go back to my adolescence or my 20's. My thirties have been pretty great so far. I expect my forties will be pretty good too.

[seek--rest]

Just out of curiosity, do you still write any irondad fics?

I think the better way to phrase your question is, would I still write irondad fics?

Which is yes, if an idea moves me or is interesting. But as a blanket statement, the answer would be no.

For several reasons.

To anyone who’s been around here for a minute, it’s no secret that I got my start in fandom writing more IronDad. I have never once considered myself an IronDad writer but a Peter writer, specifically within the MCU and using the relationships that mattered most to him at that time period. I showed up here around 2019, right before EG and FFH so naturally the outgrowth of what I wrote revolved more about where Peter canonically was at the time. I used to rant and rave at how annoying it was to love Peter because I never felt like either “fandom” (irondad and spideychelle in this instant) ever really cared about him as a central point; it was either Tony being the center of his universe or MJ, neither of which vibed with what I was feeling nor fit what actually felt important to Peter at the time.

I have my own misgivings and Experience with IronDad fandom from 2020-2021 that doesn’t need to be listed in detail here (tl;dr white irondad writers hate to be forced to contend with how racist and sexist they are) but that, along with being further removed from Tony being relevant to Peter (as he is dead) felt less interesting to me. Now, a whole year after NWH where Tony is NOT relevant or important to Peter in any capacity (except in ways and meta that would make huge subsets of irondad angry to think about), I am WHOLLY uninterested in creating some kind of canon adjacent story that ties him into it as a general role. NWH satisfied me as a media and if I don’t write the kind of fluffy fix it’s that spideychelle wants (from someone who has loved Peter and MJ for decades), than I certainly don’t want to do that for IronDad.

I don’t care about living in the “imaginary beautiful period” post HOCO pre IW for the possibility of IronDad because 1) I think too much of fandom uses that as an excuse to completely eliminate both Ned, MJ and May as vital components of Peter’s life which was sexist and racist then and is even WORSE now considering where canon is and 2) i don’t care to rehash the same derivative tropes of living within a set time period. Not to be a bitch but I like to see characters Grow and Change and Adapt and there is only so much that I’m creatively interested in them creating more “Peter and Tony work in the lab” kind of fics that I hardly created even when I wrote irondad regularly.

That being said, it’s not like I don’t currently write Tony in stories or haven’t. Tony is still a fascinating character to me but he’s also 1) dead and 2) not the person I care about re: IronDad. Peter is. If he’s being included in a story, especially at this juncture, it’s how he can serve Peter’s narrative and growth— which I’d like to think I always wrote it in this way, I just use the tag less and don’t make an active effort to think of ideas to write irondad because of the fandom’s refusal to move forward.

And the racism and sexism of 80% of the fandom who still, to this day, refuse to acknowledge it and/or get irritated when anyone brings up canon vs fanon.

tl;dr sure, if i have an idea. I have 3 WIPs with Tony + IronDad I’m actively working on / being published.

However, the fandom is rancid and filled with so much unchecked racism and sexism— along with a refusal to let go of the past— that even if I did actively tried to create, I don’t feel welcomed anymore.

[wine4thewin]

hi! i just wanted to pop in to tell you that i truly adore your sukuita stuff and am so glad that you wrote for them! i'd gotten into jjk in late 2020 when there were like 10 skita fics, and just a few weeks ago the art of genuflecting got me back into the jjk fandom (reading the manga and everything) !! it's just a really gorgeous fic and i can't even find words to describe how ten years and a day made me feel (deeply satisfied???) i wish i had stuck around till at least 2021 to read it when it was posted — and i wanted to ask you, mostly out of curiosity, if you think you'll ever write for them again? would love to hear your take on the newer chapters too ! xx

Aww, thank you so much 😊 I’m glad you enjoyed my handful of fics on them, dark and depressing as they are 🤣 I find it fascinating to work with characters that are ageless, long-lived entities, because their humanity is essentially nil after existing thousands of years.

I’m not sure if I will write for Sukuita again any time soon. I won’t say never, because who knows if the anime will draw me back in when they finally have another season. However, I did read a bit further with the manga and wasn’t too happy with the amount of ‘filler arcs’. Gave me PTSD back to the old days of when Naruto was first released (and we’re talking 1999-2007 Naruto lol. The amount of useless story arcs between meaningful scenes was insane! All anyone really cared about was the Sasuke & Naruto jersey shore style drama, but instead they gave us so much filler in between. It was a slog in the Swamp of Sadness).

I’ve only read up to the point in JJK where some things were brought into question on Yuji’s origins…and I’ve already forgotten most of that. I just don’t have time to go read it all again🥲 I did look at the recent manga chapter for JJK and it looks like finally something that I expected would happen with Sukuna has finally occurred…which is interesting because I have an old draft fic written from 2021 where something like that happens and Yuji is like no, don’t wear my friend’s face you nasty old bastard! 💀

Anyway, glad you enjoyed the stories I wrote! Who knows, maybe someday I’ll return to the fandom.

[makeste]

“but I thought about how I needed to say this”

a.k.a. yet another meta dissection of The Apology. I actually wrote most of this up on Friday night based on the original Japanese (@pikahlua​ has an excellent translation up here, and I also used @hanashimas’ translations as a reference as well), but I wanted to wait until the official release, though that turned out to be a mixed bag to say the least lol.

I would also recommend reading @pikahlua​ and @class1akids​’ breakdowns of this scene (here and here, respectively), because they are excellent, and because if any scene deserves to have as many meta breakdowns written about it as possible, it’s this one.

anyway so here goes.

Caleb did a more accurate job with this than the fanscan, even if he did try his best to take us out of the seriousness of the moment by throwing in that swiss cheese line lol. anyway so there are two things I want to talk about here. the first is the line about Izuku not remembering, which I thought was a nice touch. of course he doesn’t remember what Kacchan said back then. he wasn’t exactly in the soundest emotional state after seeing one of the people he cares about most taking a near-fatal blow that was meant for him. I’d be shocked if he remembers anything about the aftermath (including the way he flew into a mindless rage afterwards) right up until the point when he entered the OFA Interstellar Party Void with Tomura. anyway, so I thought that was a nice callback.

and speaking of emotional states, the other thing I wanted to talk about is the part that Caleb got right which the fan scanlation didn’t. “but I had more to say.” in other words, “stop trying to win on your own” wasn’t just a one-liner; it was meant to be the beginning of a much longer speech. “there were other things that I needed to say.”

like, can we just stop and talk about that for a second. because basically what this means is that in that instant, when Kacchan pushed Deku out of the way and got impaled, his one and only thought was that he needed to apologize to Deku. his life was presumably flashing before his eyes, he had no idea if he was going to survive or not, and the only thing on his mind was how urgently he needed to make things right with his former childhood friend.

moving on!

so I have a confession to make, which is that I am relieved to see Katsuki describing this as the reason why he bullied Deku, as opposed to Horikoshi trying to retcon it into some sort of “secretly he was just trying to protect him and keep him out of harm’s way because he was worried” thing, which ngl would not have gelled very well with me. the thing is that I’m really not a fan of the whole “Kacchan Did Nothing Wrong” mentality that some fans seem to have. like, I have seen all sorts of convoluted attempts to find excuses for Katsuki’s shitty behavior, but in my view those attempts undermine what I love about his character in the first place. Katsuki is such a great character specifically because he is not perfect. his redemption arc is so compelling because he was such a giant asshole at the start. he was completely at fault, and he acknowledges this, and takes full responsibility for it. and that is fucking fantastic.

his arc is so great because it doesn’t rely on garnering sympathy by giving him a Tragic Past, or by trying to foist the blame for his behavior over on someone else. it’s an arc that acknowledges that redemption isn’t something you achieve by making people feel sorry for you; it’s something you have to earn by actively working to change and do better. and by forgoing the “misunderstood/tragic past” route, Horikoshi is making a statement that anyone can go down the wrong path, but that more importantly, anyone can also choose at any time to turn away from said path. there is only one requirement for doing so, and that is realizing that you’ve done wrong, and deciding that you want to change.

anyway, so in chapter 284 Kacchan of course had that whole speech about Deku not taking himself into account, and mentioned how that made him want to keep his distance. and a good chunk of fandom took this to mean that Katsuki’s bullying was actually a misguided response to Deku’s reckless tendencies -- sort of an “if I show him how weak and powerless he really is, I can get him to accept the reality that he’s quirkless, and that being a hero will just get him hurt or killed” type of thing. and I won’t lie, for a good while I was wondering myself if Horikoshi was really going to go down that route. and like I said, I am honestly relieved that he didn’t. not only for the reasons stated in the previous paragraph, but also because the message that would have sent -- that there are certain circumstances in which bullying can almost be excused because the bully had Good Intentions and was just trying to save the other person from themselves, and so it Wasn’t That Bad, Actually -- is all kinds of fucked up to say the least. so yeah, I’m glad we ended up steering well clear of that.

(ETA: this post was long enough already so I edited out the 3 additional paragraphs I originally wrote analyzing the dialogue from 284. but just to be clear, I’m not trying to imply that Kacchan worrying about Deku’s recklessness is a retconned thing that Horikoshi only threw into the story recently, because there are multiple instances throughout the story where he clearly is worried and in total denial of it. but I firmly believe those feelings are not what led to the bullying. they’re two separate things. Kacchan worrying about Deku is what prompts him to yell at him in chapter 1 when Deku comes to save him. but it’s not what incited him to burn his notebook and taunt him earlier in that same chapter. that action had a much meaner and more selfish motivation behind it, and I’m glad Horikoshi didn’t try to change it up last minute, because it wouldn’t have felt right.)

thankfully as of this chapter I think we can safely cross that out as a possibility, as we’re given the true explanation straight from Katsuki himself. and the truth is that he bullied Deku out of insecurity and jealousy and fear and intolerance. there was nothing noble about it. there were no good intentions concealed in his actions. there are no justifications given, no excuses offered, and no mitigating circumstances to be considered, other than the fact (which neither he nor Horikoshi bring up) that he was and is still a child, and that children make mistakes.

it’s an explanation that challenges many of fandom’s ideas on who is and isn’t eligible to be redeemed. there is no Ozai in Katsuki’s backstory. there’s no great tragedy that he spent a lifetime trying to rise above. the only villain in Katsuki’s story is Katsuki himself. the only darkness that he has to overcome is his own. and it’s challenging, because I think many people believe the only way someone can be redeemed for doing bad things is if bad things happen to them in return. but what Horikoshi is saying here is that that’s not the case. bad doesn’t erase bad. and the one and only way to truly earn redemption is by doing good.

and that’s what makes this such a phenomenal scene for me. by not shying away from Katsuki’s flaws and failings, and having him take full responsibility for them, Horikoshi keeps the apology from being self-serving, and underscores the true depth of Katsuki’s character development. the level of self-awareness he has here is something most people can only dream of. which is very fitting, as that’s perhaps the most important takeaway from his character arc -- that it’s only by acknowledging your own weaknesses and flaws that you can learn to overcome them and reach your full potential.

one last thing to point out here, which is that in the panel where Katsuki finally acknowledges his terrible treatment of Deku, Deku is not even visible. instead, Horikoshi drew the panel from a perspective that makes it appear that Katsuki is addressing this particular line not just to Deku, but to all of his classmates.

again, he shows him taking full responsibility and admitting his wrongdoings in front of the people whose opinions and approval he cares about most. and just to clarify in case there’s any confusion from Caleb’s translation, Kacchan’s wording makes it very clear that he wasn’t just “mean” to Deku, but that he full-on bullied him (he uses the same verb -- “ijimeru” (苛める) -- that he did back in chapter 284). there’s no attempt to downplay his actions here.

moving on now, this chapter also reaffirmed another thing about Deku and Kacchan’s relationship which I was glad to see revisited -- Kacchan’s unwavering belief in Deku’s ability. this is one of those paradoxical things about their relationship which I’ve always been fascinated by, but which is also kind of hard to explain, because I don’t want it to come off like I’m trying to put a positive spin on something which was unequivocally awful. like, please don’t think I’m trying to say that Katsuki’s bullying of Deku was in any way a good thing. but that being said, there’s also a strange irony at play here, which is that Katsuki’s jealousy and insecurity also betray the fact that even at his very worst, he never once underestimated Deku. he has always believed in Deku’s strength, even when that strength pissed him off and made him afraid and uneasy.

no one else -- not All Might, or even Deku’s own mom -- believed from the get-go that Deku could become a hero. but Katsuki never once counted him out, even when he was calling him a pebble in his shoe. he confesses here that even though he “tried to act superior by rejecting [Deku]”, in truth he was never able to shake the feeling that Deku was above him. long before he ever understood the concept of “win to save”, he knew instinctively that there was a strength in Deku’s heart that couldn’t be measured, and which had the potential to surpass even his own strength. and I’ve always felt that this was so important, because it’s the one aspect of their early relationship that hinted that on some level, however subconscious, Katsuki held the same type of faith in Deku that Deku always held in him. it was one of the few things that hinted at there being a possible path towards reconciliation one day. and it paved the way for the most important shift in their relationship to date, when Katsuki finally realized who Deku got his quirk from, and responded not with resentment or spite, but with acceptance.

moving on, I also really love the way we see them portrayed at the different stages of their childhood throughout this speech, and how it perfectly lines up with the dialogue. from small children (when Katsuki talks about his insecurities first manifesting), to middle schoolers (when he talks about the bullying), to high schoolers (when he talks about the past year and everything he’s learned at U.A.). Horikoshi really didn’t have to go that hard, but he did, and that’s why we love him.

and then we finally get to That Part.

where do I even start with this there are so many things omg.

the bow. this is the one and only time Katsuki has ever bowed to anyone of his own volition as far as I recall. and this absolutely is a bow, just to be clear, even though his form is straight-up garbage (very Kacchan-esque, with his feet and arms spaced apart because he’s still a punk after all). this is Kacchan showing more humility and respect than he’s ever shown to anyone else in his entire life.

regarding “Izuku”, I actually have mixed feelings about this to tell the truth. I think it was a good call here because it was incredibly effective in setting the tone and showing just how serious Kacchan is. however if he continues to use “Izuku” rather than “Deku” from here on out, that would give the impression in hindsight that all his past usage of “Deku” really was meant as an insult, which would undermine some of my favorite scenes. I would really like to believe that since DvK2 or thereabouts, Kacchan has (mostly) been using “Deku (affectionate)” rather than “Deku (useless loser)”, lol. but if he switches to the “nicer” name on a permanent basis following his apology, it implies that the previous nickname was indeed being used cruelly. and so honestly I hope this was just a one-time thing, because I do think that in Katsuki’s mind, the name “Deku” hasn’t been meant as a slight to him for a long time now.

“my truth/this is what I truly feel” -- the word Katsuki uses in Japanese is honne (本音), and if you’re familiar with the concept of honne/tatemae, that’s the same “honne” he’s talking about here. it means that he’s casting aside all of his walls and facades and expressing what he truly feels. and of course, one of the fascinating things about Katsuki’s character is that he’s the exact opposite of most people in that he chooses to put his meanness on full display to the public, and ironically it’s the kindest parts of himself which he tends to keep the most carefully guarded and hidden away. this also means that while his rage and anger are very often insincere and put on just for show, those relatively few occasions where he lets his humanity truly shine through are pretty much 100% genuine, as is the case with this one here.

and Deku’s face says it all when it comes to how powerful those moments can be as a result.

and this, right here, is why it wasn’t enough for Katsuki to atone solely through his actions, and why he needed to actually say the words as well. it’s not that the words are more important; obviously the actions are far and away the most important part, and carry far more meaning. but the reason why Katsuki needed to say the words as well is simply because Izuku needed to hear them. needed to, and deserved to, because this is one of the most important people in the world to him.

and so he deserves to know that the relationship isn’t just one-sided, and that he is just as important to Kacchan as Kacchan is to him. he deserves to know that Kacchan understands how horribly he treated him, and that he’s sorry for it. and he deserves to know that Kacchan, without any expectation of it changing their relationship -- meaning that he will continue to feel this way regardless of what Izuku says or does from here on out -- cares about him. now more than ever, with AFO out there doing everything in his power to make Izuku feel as alone as possible, this is something that he really, really needed to hear.

so this part has some interesting wordplay which neither Caleb’s translation nor the fan scanlation was really able to get across. basically, in the Japanese version, when Katsuki talks about “those ideals”, Horikoshi uses the kanji for “ideal”, but pronounces it as “All Might.” obviously the meaning of this isn’t too hard to decipher, as we all know how much both boys admire All Might. to them, he absolutely is synonymous with the Ideal. so this is a way of showing that respect they both have towards him, even as Katsuki goes on to point out the one fatal flaw that All Might was never able to overcome.

and speaking of interesting wording, as others have noted, at this point in his speech Katsuki switches from “temee” (which he was using earlier during the “your strengths and my weaknesses” part) to “omae” (“omae” being a less insulting word for “you”, though still very manly and tough-sounding), which is definitely a big deal. though fwiw this is not the first time he’s used “omae” for Deku (he switches to it briefly right after DvK2, when he tells Deku “you had the strongest guy lay the groundwork for you -- don’t lose”, and then later when they’re walking back to the dorms and he says he’ll learn and get stronger by watching everyone around him just like Deku did). it’s definitely a good choice on Horikoshi’s part though, as it makes this last part of the speech sound more earnest and sincere.

just a quick note, he does indeed use a plural pronoun here, as in “the obstacles that you can’t overcome, we will overcome.” but as @pikahlua​ pointed out, the “we” here is ambiguous -- it could either mean “we” as in class 1-A -- “we will overcome them for you” -- OR it could mean “we” as in all of them -- class 1-A and Deku. “we will overcome them together.” idk about you, but I know which one gets my vote.

anyway, and so this is the line that finally wins Deku over and allows him to let go of his fears, however briefly. what I love about this is Kacchan’s utter conviction. one thing that Caleb’s translation doesn’t quite get across is Kacchan’s use of the word morenaku -- “without exception” -- when he talks about how they’re going to save everyone and win. it echoes that same sentiment he showed back during the Joint Training arc -- that it’s not a perfect victory unless they save everyone. every last person. and he explicitly lists Deku among their number, just so there can be no doubt.

and Deku’s response to this (or at least his thoughts, since he’s not really able to get many words out) pretty much brings everything full circle here.

he acknowledges that everyone else has gotten ahead of him. which is especially meaningful given who he’s standing directly across from. because for most of the series, as we all well know, it’s been Kacchan who was woefully lagging behind Deku in the character growth department. but now Deku himself is acknowledging that not only has Kacchan finally caught up at last, but that he and the others have surpassed him. which is only temporary, I should add, as I have zero doubt that Deku will catch up again soon. but the fact remains that just as Deku’s rapid increase in strength and skill left Kacchan scrambling to keep up earlier in the series, Kacchan’s extraordinary character development has now left Deku in that same position. as All Might once put it, “when he’s starting at level one, and you’re already at level 50, it’s only natural that you’ll be growing at different rates.”

and what’s so wonderful about this though is that the two of them are finally approaching that point where they’ve both caught up to each other and are finally starting to level out. Deku is a full-on badass, and Kacchan is out here talk-no-jutsuing with the best of them. the two of them have been chasing and chasing after each other this entire time, and now they’re finally just about ready to meet in the middle at long last, with each of them fully embodying both of those two crucial aspects -- win, and save.

just about. because Deku still needs some help catching up. but seeing as help has already been offered -- and accepted -- I can’t imagine it will be very long now, and I can’t wait to see him finally overcoming those fears and doubts with his friends by his side. it’s going to be such a powerful moment.

and last but not least,

or, as I prefer,

you had one job, Caleb. flkjsdlk.

but at least this provides a good opportunity to note that unlike the “we’ll help you handle it” line earlier in the speech, here the phrasing is left up to interpretation, as he doesn’t use a pronoun. so it could be “we know”, or, as the fan scanlation put it, “I know.” or it could be both. regardless, it’s good stuff.

anyway, and so Deku passes out, and in the process Horikoshi gives us one last parting metaphor, just in case anyone still thinks Kacchan is all talk because they haven’t been paying attention for the past 322 chapters (more likely than you think). once again, Katsuki’s actions speak louder than his words (even his nice words) ever could: he is literally there to catch Deku when he falls.

so that’s it! my sincere thanks to anyone who actually read through all of my endless ramblings about this scene which I have been waiting for since day one. props to Horikoshi for taking on an impossibly difficult task, and pulling it off with all of the emotion and care and nuance that I’ve come to expect from his writing. imo he delivered on every single level with the exception of the aftermath, which I don’t consider to have actually happened yet. Deku’s part of this is definitely a “to be continued.” but yeah, as far as Kacchan’s part goes, 10/10. so fucking proud of this kid.

[elisaintime]

Anne Rice is the closest thing I've ever had to a hero. She was an absolute virtuoso. It wasn't just that her work impacted my formative years, but thinking and talking about her as a person is still a part of my daily life right now. I sank hard into fandom as a pandemic coping strategy last year, and have been there ever since. I spend hours a day in Anne Rice fan spaces, discussing her and her work with other fans. I am fascinated by how her mind works. I have all her books saved to my phone so that I can search through them for key words at a moment's notice, and people come to me all the time to answer their questions about canon details. I once cosplayed as her for a Come As Your Favorite Author costume party. I have a google doc where I’ve been saving my favorite quotes from her interviews and ramblings, and it's over 10,000 words long. I keep meaning to make a video out of it one of these days. Last year, I wrote the script for a video on PBS’s web channel all about her industry-changing literary career and also made a totally gratuitous video for my own channel where I ranked all her vampire books. This year, I posted more than 2.5 million words of VC fanfic to ao3, and since last year, I’ve reread 12 of her books in audiobook format for the first time since reading them in print in my youth. She used to be extremely active on social media, engaging with us one-on-one all hours of the day and night. Whenever I sent her an email, she answered me graciously within 24 hours. After her controversial earlier years, she’d mellowed out into such a sweet and gracious old lady, so friendly and eager to support her fans and uplift anyone she could. But a couple years ago, she kind of disappeared from public forums and stopped talking to us except for the rare tweet here or there about what TV show she was currently obsessed with. I feared the worst, that something had happened to her and she was in her decline, and I had been waiting every day for news that her end had come. Very recently, her social media team started asking fans to send pictures of their memories of meeting her at signings, and I knew something had to have happened. I would have sent them these two pictures, but it felt like bad luck somehow, admitting it was real. Because of this, her death doesn't come as a shock today, but it is still devastating. In 2013, she watched one of my Vampire Reviews videos and loved it enough to share it with her fans on social media. She called me "very smart and funny," and it was the greatest professional compliment I've ever received in my life. A year later, I got the chance to meet her at the signing in NYC for Prince Lestat. It was so empowering to be in the audience at that signing and listen to all the testimonials of people standing up to share how her work had given them the courage to embrace their queer identities. I wasn't brave enough to say so, but she'd been my queer awakening as well, and I met my first serious girlfriend through the fandom. The way she addresses gender and sexuality in her work has spoken to me more acutely than anything else I've ever seen. I had my 3 month old baby with me, and we waited for hours for a few moments of her time, but when we got close enough, they noticed us and let us cut to the front. She was absolutely enthralled with Grey and spent at least double the time she did with anyone else, just cooing at him. She jokingly threatened to steal him, and I wished she'd take us both! A few years later, when her personal assistant resigned and she was searching for a new one, you don't know how close I was to applying for that job (which I would have been amazing at), seriously entertaining the dream of uprooting my entire life and moving my family across the country just to work for her. Two days after the book signing, I went to New Orleans for my very first Vampire Ball, where I had the chance to sit and talk with her for a few more minutes. It wasn't long, but it meant the world to me. I always hoped I'd get another chance one day. A couple months ago, I finally read her book, Violin, which I'd tried to read years ago, but put down halfway through. The book is one long magnificent sob of grief and mourning, and it feels more autobiographical than any of her other works. It feels nearly voyeuristic to read about pain so obviously personal to her real life in the deaths of her daughter and mother and her other tumultuous family relationships, but it helped me understand her heart and soul in a whole new way I had not quite grasped in my 23 prior years of fandom. When talking about her own grief, Anne once said, "The lights do come back on, no matter how dark it seems, and I'm sensitive now, more than ever, to the beauty of the world – and more resigned to living with cosmic uncertainty." She is with Stan and Michele now. Let’s all lie on the floor and listen to Beethoven in her honor. 

[anasticklefics]

Unsaid

Fandom: Star Wars

Characters: Poe/Finn

Summary: They land on a planet that has a field that tickles anyone who comes near, and Poe is having one too many feelings about it.

A/N: My first fic back from hiatus! Honestly I’m only posting something because I wrote more than half of this while I was gone, but felt inspired to finish it today. I hope you like it, I’m very proud 🥺

Words: 2k

A breeze of heat ruffled Poe’s hair as he stood at the edge of the Field of Laughter on a planet that had too much of an orange tint for his liking. It reminded him of dry, unforgiving land full of sand and nothing but sand, but mostly it reminded him of the times he’d been stranded, so thirsty he could die, running for his life over the scorching ground. Just last week, that is. It reminded him of being near death, and of watching Finn and Rey getting dragged just out of his reach.

“It’s okay, you know,” Finn told him now, watching Poe as Poe watched the field. “If you want to try it, I mean.”

Poe chanced a glance at him, wondering what the orange tint made his blush look like. “I’m good.”

“Poe.” Finn had mastered the knowing smile he occasionally shot his way wonderfully. An amusement to it, but also something kind that made Poe all the more embarrassed whenever it was aimed at him. Vulnerability, even during the war, was always something that terrified him, even more than the war.

“Really, I’m okay,” he said, averting his gaze back toward the dancing blades of yellow grass. They’d been told the field was bigger than it seemed, twisting and turning behind the mountains and the trees Poe had been surprised to find here. They all looked dead, but were apparently perfectly fine.

“If you’re worried someone will see or hear you we could go further.”

“Why do you think I want to try it?”

“Oh, come on now.” Finn bumped their shoulders together. “You don’t have to pretend with me.”

The Field of Laughter was said to be a very ticklish experience; so much so that the natives who lived by it had developed a thicker skin, quite literally so, in order to survive having to cross it. It had saved them valuable time, not having to walk around it, and it only got a couple of giggles out of the younger ones now.

Poe was absolutely certain he would never escape the dancing blades, whose only purpose in life was to tickle whomever walked over and through them. They were kept regularly short, cut with hovering blades and quick hands, as they could probably tickle someone to death if they were able to trap them. A field of torture for most, but something else to Poe.

“I promise to pull you out if it becomes too much,” Finn continued, but Poe could tell he wasn’t going to push it more. It was up to Poe to decide whether he was brave enough to be vulnerable in more than one way.

They’d landed there by accident. A mission gone wrong, but not so wrong it had really cost them anything. Just time, which they sometimes couldn’t afford and other times were swimming in. They’d been fortunate, for once, to be rich enough to give it away so easily to a planet that neither attacked them nor wanted to help them. Proud of their history, but wary of their grounds, meaning they told them everything but let them see little. Poe knew of the group that had settled not too far away from their makeshift camp, keeping an eye on them and making sure they didn’t stray past the point they’d been allowed to see. Poe wasn’t sure why they’d been forced to stay by the Field of Laughter of all places, but he’d been thoroughly on edge for the past two days because of it.

“Better be careful,” Jess had said, pointing to the field. “If you piss me off I might throw you in.”

Poe hadn’t replied, his ears still ringing with the story of the field they’d just been told. Lab-made. Torture device. Impossible to stop. It had made him want to peel his skin off to hear it.

“Poe.” Finn, his one and only confidant in this, hadn’t teased him like Poe had feared, but that knowing look had almost been worse. “Come on, let’s take a walk.”

One thing you should know about Poe Dameron: he had absolutely no idea how to handle any type of feeling that involved vulnerability, which included embarrassment and fear and love and lust. Unfortunately his feelings about tickling had traces of all, to a certain point. It was embarrassing to love something most people hated. It was terrifying to love something to the point of sensuality.

Finn had found out by accident, too. A drunken night, Poe too touch-starved and exhausted and in love with him to keep quiet, and while whatever they were was still unsaid and only shown in quiet fingertips to skin, Finn was all too eager to give him what he wanted after he’d let it slip. Poe refused to talk about it now, all of it unsaid and quiet, all theirs but barely.

Finn hadn’t mentioned the field as they’d started their walk, but Poe couldn’t look at him as they’d walked along the edge of it, maybe too close to it for comfort. One misstep and he could fall in, and then he’d have to face one too many truths at once.

Truth was, he almost wished someone would push him in. Just as an excuse.

“It almost doesn’t look like the blades are dancing,” was the first thing he’d said. “There’s no rhythm to it.”

“I’m sure they’re trying their best,” Finn had replied and Poe had laughed, nearly hysterically, as if giddy at the idea of having them dance over his skin.

“How does it even work?” he said now, two days later, the evening sun still bright and orange, but fading ever so slightly by the minute. “Like, do they go for your feet first or trip you or what?” He was only able to ask because it sounded so stupid to ask it.

“No idea.” Finn tilted his head at the field. “Does it work if you’re dressed and wearing shoes?”

“No idea.”

“Maybe we should ask someone. I’m sure they’d be willing to share.”

“We’d look too invested.”

Finn grabbed his wrist, squeezing once and calming him instantly. “We don’t have to.”

Poe went to bed untickled, tangled up in Finn’s embrace.

*

He only went because he’d dreamt of it and had learned to take dreams seriously years ago. In his dream it had been intoxicating, the sensation unbearable enough to have felt real, and so he went, wondering if he would leave or die there, laughing until it hurt him. That was the most fascinating part. Where did the line go between pleasure and pain when it came to something like this? How much could he take? Were Finn’s occasional prodding hands enough or was he capable of handling more?

In retrospect there was probably a safer way to figure this out, but Poe stopped by the edge of the field, feet bare and pants rolled up to his calves, with a relief he rarely ever felt regarding this. The early morning sun was more of a soft canary yellow than orange, and Poe felt he could breathe more easily.

“Hello,” he said, his voice a murmur as he bent to get closer to the grass. “Aren’t you causing a lot of commotion.”

He didn’t feel stupid to speak to it. Somehow he felt it was alive, just communicating differently than him. He’d walked as far as he’d been able to, but felt as if his laughter would still be heard if it caught him. Many years ago, when he’d had too much pride to admit to vulnerability, he’d been captured by a rope and remained hanging upside down for longer than was comfortable, squirming, struggling, but refusing to scream for help. He knew he wouldn’t be able to keep quiet during this.

The blades did nothing to acknowledge his presence and Poe longed for a thick forest - preferably a dark green one - to hide him from view when he reached out a finger to hover above it. An idiot, they would call him if they saw him. An idiot that’s asking for it.

If only they knew how desperately he was really asking. How loud and persistent and starved his pleas were, in the midst of a war that gave him no privacy to be candid.

“Would you let go of me if I asked nicely?” The blades were just out of reach. He could imagine them suddenly reaching forward and gripping him by the wrist, pulling him in and under for the rest of his giggly eternity.

But of course, they merely kept dancing. He wiggled his index finger over them. “Are you ticklish yourselves?”

The silence around him was deafening. If he fell he would be heard by the whole universe.

If he didn’t fall he could pretend he had. Say he’d been sleepwalking, hence his lack of proper footwear, and had ended up in this ticklish awakening.

Finn would know, naturally, but Finn would never tell. Would only try to gently coax the answers out of him and Poe would blush and blush and blush until he would say something stupid that would have Finn either laughing or rolling his eyes. Finn would drop it only momentarily, for it was too big of a thing to do on your own for him to never bring up again.

Poe wasn’t surprised when Finn appeared a moment later, his steps quiet but not non-existent. “Hi.”

Poe sighed and straightened, turned to glance at him quickly to hide the already spreading flush. “Hi.”

“I knew I’d find you here.”

“Dead or alive?”

“Hmm, either. Happy it was the latter.” He stopped beside him, letting their shoulders brush as they gazed over the field. “Are you gonna do it?”

“Not sure. Honestly I might’ve stood here for hours if you hadn’t arrived.”

“I can hold your hand. Pull you back out.”

Poe looked at him. Finn, with his own worries and dark circles under his eyes from how little he actually slept and his ever present way of reaching out without expecting anything back. If he trusted anyone with this it was him.

“Okay.”

Finn met his gaze. “Okay?”

Poe held out his hand. “Okay.”

Finn took it.

*

In retrospect it was both an overwhelming and underwhelming experience. The idea of it, the actual act of stepping his bare foot onto the field, still made his heart race. But while it did tickle it wasn’t the hysteria he’d been imagining. To be fair, he only let it go as far as to his calf before he decided he’d had enough, but for someone as sensitive as him it should’ve been worse.

It did tickle, though. It tickled a lot.

“I think you’re just too used to the sensation,” Finn told him after they’d returned to their quarters.

Poe huffed in embarrassment. “Not like that.”

“Oh, come on. I’ve pinned you plenty of times.”

“Not like that,” Poe said, quieter.

“That sounds like a challenge.”

As he’d stepped onto the field, Finn’s hand tight over his, Poe had felt fear and excitement and shame and acceptance, all at once, as the blades started dancing over his skin. When he’d realized, after the blades had started tickling between his toes, that he wasn’t able to actually remove his foot from the grass, was when he’d started laughing and couldn’t stop.

“I’ve never heard you laugh like that, though,” Finn said now. “I’m actually offended. I’m definitely taking this as a challenge.”

“How did I laugh?” Poe asked, because yes okay sometimes embarrassment made him stupid.

“Desperately. More high pitched than usual.” Finn’s smirk was intoxicating and fucking terrifying. “Want to try to recreate it?”

“People will hear us,” Poe said, already laughing stupidly, nervously, too smitten for his own good.

“I have a perfectly good palm to muffle it.”

And so the rest of Poe got tickled, too.

[jotunn-loki]

no penance due to innocence

FANDOM: tom hiddleston rpf, mcu rpf PAIRING: tom hiddleston/reader RATING: explicit, NS// FW!! WC: 4,544 WARNINGS/K¡NKS: female!reader, professor/student, daddy k¡nk, praise k¡nk, schoolgirl fantasy, age difference/age k¡nk, voice k¡nk, degradation, spanking, dom!hiddles, sub!reader, pain k¡nk, not a warning but hiddles in suit/glasses/beard

SUMMARY:  Despite your best interests, you can't help but fantasize about your classics professor, Tom Hiddleston. But as it may seem, your thoughts may not be so fruitless after all...

NOTE: the title is a line from John Donne's poem "to his mistress going to bed" which is partially quoted in this fic--you'll see! imagine Hiddles reciting it hehe. also, i typically don't use "y/n" in my fics, but this fic does use "Miss Y/LN" (your last name) thrice! not in the heat of the smut but near the beginning and end:) enjoy!

It was nearly seven p.m.

Tom Hiddleston, your classics professor, stood at the front of the lecture hall, one hand wrapped elegantly around a remote clicker and the other adjusting his glasses as he spoke.

You loved his voice; everyone in the class did—the smooth richness of it, the authentic Britishness that was so short in supply at your American university, the elegance and intent he put into each and every syllable. He obviously was quite passionate about his subject, which made not only for a fascinating class, but an attentive group of students. You were sure that there was no one in the section who ever dared to not pay attention to his lectures, much less skip it completely. Why would anyone want to miss the crisp tightness of Professor Hiddleston’s custom-tailored suits or the soft unintentional growl in his voice when he read aloud a section from your readings? He was a talented actor in that regard, but you were glad he had never gone into such an industry...otherwise you wouldn’t be able to watch him in class now, listen to him, soaking in every bit of his perfection.

And that, truly, was the reason that you loved this class most of all. While you were ashamed to admit it, after the seventy-five minutes you spent in the Intro to British Literature lecture, your underwear was always slightly damp as you rose from your seat and tried to ignore your mortification as you passed by the man you couldn’t stop thinking about on the way out of the door, murmuring a quiet, “Thank you, Professor.”

It was the same now, and you could barely focus on the class’s content while Professor Hiddleston turned from one completely filled up white board to the next, giving you a splendid view of his glorious tight ass. You shifted in your seat in what you hoped was an inconspicuous way and turned away. This was getting out of hand. You almost were wondering if you needed to drop the class altogether, purely for your own sanity.

But then again—if every student in the class did that, there would be no one left in the section.

Now Professor Hiddleston was running a hand over his beautiful dirty blonde beard, thinking for a moment before he wrote the next name upon the board. John Donne, it read, and you suddenly remembered the poem you had been assigned to read the night prior. It was short, less than one hundred lines, which had lent for easy reading, even for the turn of the sixteenth century. But that wasn’t, of course, what had drawn your attention. The poem was unashamedly erotic, a scene about undressing, a mistress and her lover, vulnerability between them both.

And now, to your absolute undoing, Professor Hiddleston had decided that it was a good idea to read it aloud. You could barely breathe as he spoke, as he again, acted, the poetry, each line sending you further into a frenzy. Around you, the class held its collective breath as well, creating an unnatural silence. Not even a paper moved, nor did a pen drop.

“...shew / thy self: cast all, yea, this white linen hence / there is no penance due to innocence / to teach thee, I am naked first; why then / what needst thou have more covering than a man,” Hiddleston finished with a flourish, a slight smirk on those perfect lips. His eyes roved around the room thoughtfully, that smirk dissolving into an unabashed grin. “Quite the charmer, Donne thought himself to be,” he added with a laugh. “We can thank him for that.”

Suddenly, his eyes locked with yours, and you could have sworn that he swallowed as he looked at you. Or perhaps that was just a stupid hope. You twisted your lips and looked away abruptly, missing the narrowing of his eyes and the way his hand ran down his tie and fiddled with its tip.

Soon enough, class was over, the hour just passed, and you gathered your things, stuffing the poems you had printed out into your bag and rising from your seat with a grimace. Your body had found itself aroused. Again. Thankfully, now that your day was finished, you’d be able to make it back to the dorms with minimal consequence, and you knew it would be a few hours before your roommate to return, so you’d have a solid amount of time to...get your professor off of your mind.

But as you turned the corner from the descending steps between the rows of chairs towards the door, a voice cleared itself behind you. Heart pumping, you pivoted to find Professor Hiddleston standing there, one hand rolling up the sleeves of his crisp shirt up to his elbows, revealing lean but corded muscle there under smooth pale skin.

“Y-yes, Professor?” you asked him, trying not to let your voice shake. It was almost as if he could read your thoughts, sense that you were clearly horny and in need of leaving the fucking lecture hall.

“I need to speak with you privately,” he murmured, and you couldn’t help but clench tightly and swallow.

“About what, sir?” you asked.

Hiddleston smiled. “Just grades. Your recent performance.” Seeing your confounded face, he added, “Nothing serious, of course.”

Slowly, you nodded. “When should I come?”

You didn’t miss the slip there, the unintentional double-meaning, but as it would seem, neither did he, as Hiddleston’s pleasant smile slid into a heavily lidded smirk, one eyebrow raising.

No. It couldn’t be. Professor fucking Hiddleston—into you? Just another one of his sophomore students who was most likely taking the course solely for a humanities credit? Granted, you were not one of those—you loved classic English prose and poetry, but it was such a large class that most of them were not that into the subject.

“Right now,” Professor Hiddleston said then, gesturing for you to follow him. Eyes widening, your hand tightened around the strap of your bag and you waited for him to gather his teaching materials before you both left the lecture hall promptly.

His office was not far, only a few floors up. Luckily, you did not have far to go, as it was in the same building, and so you did not have to dwell in the anxious interim stage for long.

The office itself was spacious and graciously private, with a large modern window that looked out onto the urban campus of your university, and a shade that was currently rolled up to the top. There was a large mahogany desk as well, old-fashioned as you had expected, and a luxurious chair that sat behind it. A plush violet-colored rug laid on the floor as well, completing the look.

You had been purposefully avoiding office hours for this class all semester, unable to trust yourself in such close proximity to your professor. It seems that your goal had now been foiled by the man himself. Oh, well. Hopefully this would be quick, and you wouldn’t have to endure this torture for long.

Sighing, Hiddleston sat himself down behind his desk and rolled the chair away from it, hands steepled with his elbows on his thighs. His thighs... which were currently separated far apart in the most attractive manspread you’d ever seen, no matter what an oxymoron that may have been in any other situation. But not in this one. Not here, with Professor Hiddleston, alone.

This man who you could guess was around forty years old. This man who was probably over twenty years your senior. Unwittingly, the thought sent another stroke of heat down to your pussy. Oh, god. Biting your lip, you waited for him to speak.

He seemed to enjoy holding you in suspense for a moment, that infuriating grin still plastered across that handsome face. “You must have wondered why I called you here.”

“Yes, sir.”

At that, his grin disappeared, and something else crossed his face instead, something much darker, much hungrier. “I do love it when you call me that.”

You gulped. “What’s that, Professor?”

“Either of those,” he replied, that familiar growl filling his voice. “And you must know by now that I don’t give a damn about your grades. That is your own business...besides, you are doing excellently in my class.”

You couldn’t think of anything to say, so you just smiled and crossed your hands behind your back.

“No...you’re here because you are far too distracting. It’s causing me problems during lectures. That is an issue,” Hiddleston said, spreading his legs even wider.

“I...hadn’t noticed that, sir.”

“Of course you wouldn’t,” he replied simply, that prim accent making it all the better. “I wouldn’t be a good lecturer if I allowed myself to be easily affected by a student...even if you are as stunning as you are.” His eyes flashed. “I wonder...are you doing this on purpose, darling?”

Mouth parting, you shook your head.

“Mm,” Hiddleston murmured, scratching the side of his beard slowly. “I don’t know about that. Are you sure?”

“Why would I be so willing to entice you, Professor?” you asked him, willing yourself not to collapse where you stood.

Hiddleston dropped his hand and ran it instead along the inside of his thigh. Your eyes widened and you had to avert your gaze. “Because you want me as much as I have lusted after you,” he said huskily in reply.

When you didn’t respond, throat too tight to speak, he stood, edging around the side of his desk. “Admit it, Miss Y/LN,” he said sternly.

He was so close to you now, just an inch away. You could barely intake breath—no, scratch that, you couldn’t breathe at all.

After a painful moment, you nodded.

“Say it,” he whispered.

“Yes,” you squeaked, eyes flitting to his, a bright, intense blue.

“Yes, what?”

Steeling yourself, you brought your hand to his chest. “Yes, Professor Hiddleston.”

“Good girl.”

You clenched again, barely withholding an audible moan. Still, Hiddleston had spotted your near slip, and he grinned, bringing one of his large hands to cover yours where it was placed on his chest and entwine both of your fingers. “Say yes to me, then. And I will give you what you so crave.”

You didn’t need to be told twice. “Yes, Professor Hiddleston. Please.”

“That’s my good girl,” he said again. “Now. Undress.”

You gawked at him. “Excuse me?”

Hiddleston snatched both of your wrists then, pulling you right to his chest so that your bodies were pressed together. “You do want me to fuck you, Miss Y/LN, don’t you?”

Quickly, you nodded.

“Then do as I say,” he hissed.

You complied easily, removing first your bag from your shoulders and then your light jacket. You hesitated only a moment before sliding your fingers under the hem of your shirt and lifting it from your head, exposing your skin to the slight chill of the room. Still, everything inside you was fire, and it only burned hotter as Hiddleston inhaled deeply, taking in the sight of your breasts, hidden only by the bra that cupped them gently. “So beautiful,” he murmured. “Just like I imagined.”

Your breath quickened at that. It was terribly gratifying to know that he had fantasized about you, his student, just as you had fantasized about him, your professor. So you smiled at him through your lashes, putting on a facade of demureness.

“Now, don’t give me that,” Hiddleston automatically smirked, grabbing your jaw and holding it tightly. He leaned in close to your ear and whispered, “I know how dirty your thoughts have been, my dear, and it would be a lie for you to pretend otherwise, wouldn’t it?”

Unable to help yourself, you whimpered. Beside your ear, Professor Hiddleston laughed. “Whore.”

You held your breath as he then unbuckled your bra, the garment in his hands looking like it belonged there—and leaving your breasts bare. “Professor,” you murmured as he leaned forward, cupping both of them in his large hands and placing a kiss to each nipple. “Professor—fuck—”

CRACK.

There was a sharp stinging feeling on your ass, and you realized that Hiddleston had just spanked you—actually spanked you—and was now leaning onto his desk casually again, this time with a stormy expression on his face. His chin tilted upwards in disgust as he said, “Such foul language. When have I ever tolerated that, little one?”

When you didn’t answer, he raised an eyebrow. “That wasn’t rhetorical.”

“You didn’t, sir,” you said meekly, grimacing from the pain. You could only imagine what it would have felt like without clothing to cover the sensitive skin of your ass.

“Hence why I needed to punish you,” Professor Hiddleston said matter-of-factly, which somehow only turned you on even further. His confident nonchalance made you want to kneel before him and unbuckle those perfectly-pressed trousers, but you managed to hold yourself together.

It wasn’t long before you were standing before him naked, trying fruitlessly to hold in a tremble as Professor Hiddleston circled your body, eyeing every part of you. “So,” he said when he’d finally turned to face you eye-to-eye again. “You not only are extremely intelligent, but you are a goddess among humans. You look so innocent, but I know you aren’t. Not with those eyes.”

It was true. You hadn’t been able to stop yourself from looking at him the way you had been doing all semester.

“Intelligent, sir?”

Hiddleston smiled gently and stepped toward you, finally encircling you in his arms. His hands, placed firmly on your upper back, slowly slid down to cup your ass, pulling you against his form. You could feel the strain of his crotch there, and your heart pounded at the thought. You still couldn’t believe this was actually happening.

“Yes, intelligent,” Hiddleston murmured, brushing a light kiss on your cheek, your jaw, your lips. “Your textual analysis of Much Ado About Nothing a few months ago was one of the best interpretations I’d ever seen.”

Had it been? You’d only been commenting about the way that it had impacted modern fictional tropes and set up socially acceptable gender roles in romance, but you supposed that it had been written in such a way that had greatly pleased Professor Hiddleston.

“Do not be so hard on yourself,” he said then, as if he could sense your thoughts. “Truly...you are a pleasure to have in class.”

You felt your body tense at the way he said ‘pleasure,’ for he certainly knew what he was doing. “Even if I am distracting to you?” you asked.

“Especially when you are distracting to me.”

With that, he pinched your ass firmly between two large fingers and you yelped, flinching into his arms. You felt the outline of his hard cock in his trousers again and squirmed against it, desperately needing friction. “P-Professor—”

He tsked quietly. “Such a cockslut you are, my little schoolgirl begging for me,” Hiddleston tutted. You felt your arousal even stronger as your mind filled with the fantasy he had planted there, imaging yourself in high stockings and a short skirt, a pure virgin teenager with no experience.

Luckily, that was not the case, but he was your professor, and if anyone found out that he’d fucked you, you’d both be in serious trouble. It only made the whole thing more exciting.

“Please, fuck me,” you whimpered. “Professor, I need you—”

“What did I say about foul language, little girl?” Hiddleston said sharply. “Or do you think yourself above such formalities and rules now that you are standing naked like a filthy whore in my office?”

You moaned, and without warning, Professor Hiddleston threw you against the dark mahogany desk so that you were facing away from him, clapping a hand across your ass again. Your eyes watered from the sudden pain, but you only bit your lip, loving every bit of it.

Hiddleston leaned over you so that you could feel his hardness against your body again and tilted your tear-stained face towards him. You watched him remove his glasses silently and place them beside you on his desk, smirking all the while. “You are going to count for me now, alright, my dear?”

You nodded, tensing your body in preparation.

And then it came without warning, his hand on your backside with a sharp cracking sound, leaving the feeling of fire against your skin. You cried out in pain, and Professor Hiddleston cleared his throat.

Oh. “One,” you whispered quietly. “But, Professor Hiddleston, won’t anyone hear?”

He let out a soft laugh at that. “I’ve been tenured here long enough that no one else of importance is in the vicinity, little one. But who knows…”

With a self-satisfied laugh, he spanked you again.

“T-Two,” you said.

Crack. “Three.”

Crack. “Four.”

Crack. “Five.”

With each spank, your voice grew stronger, more sturdy, and you relished in the sting of your ass stuck out behind you and caressed by your professor’s hands. He was rubbing it now, a gentle reprieve before he hit you again, this one harder than the rest.

You shrieked and gripped the edge of the desk, feeling the wetness of your cunt moistening your legs. “Oh, Professor Hiddleston,” you moaned. “Hit me harder, please, Daddy—”

The word slipped out of your mouth without expectation from either you or him, and you immediately stilled, feeling embarrassment cloud your senses.

“You are a kinky bitch,” Hiddleston murmured softly, and he ran a hand along the top of your head, even as you lay panting over the edge of his desk. It made you feel lesser, somehow, and you wanted that. You needed it.

“Be a good girl then, and take what Daddy gives you.”

The spank following was the hardest of them all, making you buck into the desk in all its force. “T-Tom!” you cried. You needed release, now, and him building you up was starting to irritate you.

“One more,” he said through gritted teeth, and you tensed as a final slap hit your backside, causing your eyes to water in pain as you heaved against the desk, nearly bringing you over the edge in and of itself.

“I can’t wait to see that bruise up nicely,” said Professor Hiddleston smugly, flipping you over as you let out a pained hiss. “And now that you’ve been adequately punished, I will give you what you’ve been longing for.”

You let out a long sound, something that was a mix between a contented sigh and a broken moan, and watched as he tore off his belt buckle and pulled out his cock, hard and weeping and flushed a very eager red. “Ready, darling?”

You nodded quickly before your nerves could get the better of you.

He raised his eyebrows at you expectantly.

“Yes, Daddy,” you murmured, still feeling the familiar tendrils of embarrassment creeping across your neck.

Professor Hiddleston—Tom—smirked and spread your legs with each of those gorgeous large hands, gripping the flesh of your thighs. Between them, you were on fire, evidenced further by the wetness dripping from your core.

“Oh, my dear,” Tom whispered with an air of disappointment, though it was impossible not to see how pleased he was. “You’re so wet.”

“Mm—” was all you could say. With him standing over you, eyes boring into your pussy and flitting back to your face every few moments it was all you could do not to scream.

Suddenly his fingers were upon you—within you, and you let out a long moan as he pumped them deftly, the other hand gripping his own cock. As you panted, completely at his whims, Tom grunted, his eyes fluttering closed.

But then, just as you felt yourself reach your peak, body begging to throw itself off into the abyss, he stopped. “Daddy,” you whined, pouting at him. “Why did you stop?”

“I had to, little one,” he murmured gently, running his hand along the inside of your thigh and sending shivers across your skin. But though you bucked your hips forward into his touch, Tom didn’t continue, only let out a smug chuckle. “I want this to take a long time, my dear. I want every part of your body to remember that I was here. I want it to know—I want you to know—that it belongs to me. Understand?”

You swallowed. “Yes, Professor Hiddleston.”

“Good.” The word was sharp, succinct, radiating with pure dominance. You clenched at the sound of it.

And unfortunately for you, your professor had witnessed that with his very own eyes. Immediately, you felt a sharp sting against the same spot on your thigh where he’d just been caressing, and you squealed. “Professor!”

“Whore,” he spat, pushing your upper body flat onto the desk. “I told you that you needed to be patient, didn’t I? Didn’t I?”

“Y-Yes, Daddy…”

“And you disobeyed me,” he replied calmly. “So you deserved that, little one.”

You let out a small sound of assent and he kissed your lips softly. “Now, let’s continue. You’re doing so well, my darling.”

He slid those fingers along the inside of your thigh and caressed the sensitive skin where your legs met your cunt, tickling your skin. You tried to hold in a laugh and failed, a small hiccup escaping your lips. Tom glanced up at you and smirked. “My poor little girl,” he teased.

You smiled at him and bit your lip. “Daddy?”

“Yes?”

You couldn’t help the whine that slipped into your voice. Honestly, it awed you. Less than an hour ago you were afraid to even make eye contact with Professor Hiddleston for fear of your own sexual desires; now you were sitting on his expensive desk bare naked with your legs spread for him and pussy dripping with unquenched arousal. Still, he refused to bring you release.

“Will you please fuck me?” you asked him softly, sweetly. “I need your cock, Professor.”

You could see the way his Adam’s apple bobbed in his throat as he tried to hide the way your words affected him, So you pushed out your bottom lip and bared your breasts forward to him for good measure. “ Please.”

Where he had been gentle and sensitive a moment ago, Tom was no longer holding back. “What happened to ‘you need to be patient?’” you hissed as he flipped you over, bending you over the desk as he’d done before.

“Hush, my little whore,” Tom grunted as he shifted behind you, and you could feel the head of his cock nudging at your entrance impatiently. Hypocrisy at its finest, but you couldn’t care less. “You’re going to take all of me, and I will be merciless,” Tom whispered as he took your hands and pinned them beneath his own on the desk. “Do you understand?”

You nodded, difficult as the action was in your current position.

“No,” Tom said softly. “I don’t think you do.” He sighed dramatically as he pinched the spare skin on your hip, making you squeak in pleasure. When he spoke again, his voice was lower, gravellier...that same cadence he had when he’d read some of those poems. “You’re going to take every inch of my cock, and it’s going to be painful for you, my dear. But I’m not going to go slow, not going to rest and wait for you to adjust. And only when you’re begging for me, crying for me like the whore you are will I finally let you come.”

“Oh, Tom,” you moaned and he chucked. “Yes, that’s right, baby. Moan my name. I haven’t even entered you yet.”

You couldn’t even feel the embarrassment hit your mind; you were too fazed over with the anticipation of him fucking you. “Please—”

Then he was pushing into you, and you groaned in pain. He had been right—this was unlike any other man you’d previously fucked. He was large, but just perfectly so; you felt as if the pain inside your cunt should live there forever. His hips snapped as he thrusted into you again, and you pushed your ass into the air to get more friction. “Oh, Professor Hiddleston—”

“Yes, fuck yes,” he panted as his thrusts sped up, and he moved one hand off of yours to finger at your clit. Sensation flooded you, and you cried out again. You could feel the warmth and power of his body behind you, even through the now-sweaty formal shirt he wore. And you could feel the coolness of the desk against your skin, and the rising pleasure throughout your body. “Tom, fuck—”

“Remember what I said?” he growled. “Beg.”

You couldn’t resist. “Please, Daddy, let me come! I want to come so bad around your cock, Professor. Fill me up—please—”

He grunted in pleasure at your words, and you ground into his fingers where they worked at your clit as he continued to pound into you. Each thrust sent you higher, hitting your g-spot just perfectly. “That’s my good girl,” Tom cooed gently, such a contrast to the violet strokes of his body. “You’re doing so well for Daddy. See how well you take my cock? That’s right, little one. Keep grinding into me. Such a good whore—”

At that, you moaned, grimacing in pleasure. “Can I come yet, Daddy?”

“Not yet, my darling,” he replied through gritted teeth. “I need you to be louder for me. I need everyone to know that you belong to me. That you’re my little cockslut who’s only taking this class so you can fuck your professor like a filthy whore.”

“Please let me come, sir!” you cried, bucking into him. You let out a loud cry as he nipped at your shoulder, teeth digging into your skin. “Yes, my good girl. Scream for me.”

“Tom!” you shouted. A shudder coursed through you at the possibility of someone hearing you, but in your haze of pleasure, you could barely notice. “Professor, please—”

Finally, he chuckled, and his thumb pressed tightly into your clit. “Come,” he commanded in a low voice, and you did, gasping as you rolled against his touch and felt his cock find release within your walls and he cried out your name.

“ Tom ,” you moaned, eyes rolling backwards. “Oh, Tom… ”

“Such a good girl,” he whispered, caressing your neck with his free hand. “My sweet darling.”

You were both breathing hard, covered in sweat, and an utter mess against the rich wood of Professor Hiddleston’s desk. “I’m—I’m sorry,” you stuttered, coming back to your senses. “I...didn’t realize. This all happened so fast…”

But to your surprise, Tom only chuckled, helping you to stand and wrapping his arms around you. “No, my dear. This isn’t over yet.”

“It’s not?”

“No,” he repeated. “I wouldn’t let you go so easily.”

You swallowed, feeling a pleasant flush spread across your body as you met his gaze. “So…”

Tom smiled. “I will see you on Tuesday, Miss Y/LN.”

As disheveled as you were, and most likely smelling of sex as you left his office, you couldn’t help the giddy feeling that had risen within you. You would see him again, and soon.

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A/N: thanks for reading! comments, reblogs, likes - all appreciated! this fic is also posted on ao3 under the same name (via my username MavenMorozova). give it some love there if you’d like!

TAGS: let me know if you want me to make a taglist!

[i-want-my-iwtv]

I hope the rumours of Louis being a brothel owner aren't true, but if they are I can sort of see why they're going for this route? I mean, with a black Louis they can't have him being a slaver anymore, so maybe they're trying to find something that is also morally reprehensible for him to be.

TL;DR: My kneejerk reaction was to be saddened, and I don’t like that this is starting up, and will continue to fuel, fandom drama. Ultimately, if we want peace, we’ll embrace the fact that the existence of this adaptation doesn’t take away from the existence of the books, and it also doesn't mean we have to acknowledge it.

It makes me wonder whether AMC wants us to make a storm about this. We’ll see...

After all, what makes this adaptation any more important than the graphic novels of the ’90s, the graphic novel Claudia’s Story, movie!IWTV, or movie!QOTD? In fact, many fans here on tumblr consider VC to be a trilogy only!!! and don’t accept the majority of the PUBLISHED CANON so what makes anyone think we have any obligation to swallow this AMC adaptation as some kind of gospel?

I see movie!QOTD as a buffet of ideas carried in an official fanfiction work, and I don’t accept as my headcanon the various things it changed about the books that I didn’t particularly like, such as merging Magnus and Marius (which, IMO, effectively made both characters more morally reprehensible). I accepted the things I did enjoy, like casting a Black/POC actress to play Akasha. I see this AMC adaptation as a buffet of ideas, some can be taken, and some not, it’s just another official fanfiction work.

[Anon, I need to catch other ppl up on the information, too.]

Deadline.com informs us that in the AMC adaptation for Interview with the Vampire, Jacob Anderson has been cast as Louis. I'm not familiar with him, but it looks like he’s a successful actor, from Game of Thrones and other things, he’s also joining Series 13 of Doctor Who. I’ll have to check him out from an acting standpoint!

Aside from his talent as an actor, this is by far the most controversial thing that's happened in VC fandom recently. I've been thinking about this for a few months now, talking about it privately online and offline, still gathering my thoughts. So this post is not engraved in stone, it’s initial thoughts on this.

I’m glad to see ppl talking about it and I’m sure we’ll have more public discussions. I’m trying to discuss it very carefully, but also, this is an entertainment blog, my opinions are mine alone, and I’m not looking for dogpiling on anyone, I have no obligation to respond publicly or privately to anything. Plenty of other ppl have differing opinions on this. So take all of the following with more than a grain of salt, I’m not being salty, I’m providing the links to the little info we’ve seen pulicly, I’m giving my initial thoughts, and I’m also trying to add a little levity because ultimately, again, this is an entertainment blog, and I try to add a little humor to help with such serious topics, humor can help ppl talk about controversial things.

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The casting of a POC/Black actor (I’m sorry I don't know the preferred terminology, let me know if you know what Anderson prefers) confirms at least one part of theilluminerdi articles that stated that Louis’ race will be different from the books. I didn’t post about these before bc I wasn’t sure how reliable theilluminerdi’s sources are (and I'm still not sure), but this was one major aspect that theilluminerdi announced before Deadline did, so now seems to be the right time to share those articles. For now, you can go check them out yourselves rather than have my reposting of the information, trigger warning: mentions of sex workers and race in the changes to the canon story of Interview with the Vampire.

>>>theilluminerdi articles from May 21, 2021 and July 15, 2021:

www.theilluminerdi.com/2021/05/21/interview-with-the-vampire-amc

www.theilluminerdi.com/2021/07/15/interview-with-the-vampire-amc-2

^Meme of Dr. Ian Malcom from Jurassic Park reads: “Your writers were so preoccupied with whether they could that they didn’t stop to think if they should.”

I’m using that meme with a little levity here, clearly an AMC adaptation of vampires in which the producers/writers have chosen to change the race of a main character (arguably the original protagonist of the series) isn’t in the same VICINITY as the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park that broke out of containment and killed visitors to the park, but John Hammond’s intention for the creation of that park was very good, as I assume this race change was intended. Time will tell.

“But with this place, I wanted to show them something that wasn't an illusion. Something that was real, something that they could see and touch. An aim not devoid of merit.”

“Creation is an act of sheer will.” 

- John Hammond, Jurassic Park

Race is a more complicated subject than ever, so for AMC to make this bold change, I hope they have POC and Black writers on staff and are handling this very carefully. Even then, no racial group, including POC and Black people, are a hivemind, disagreements are bound to happen in the writing room, whether in good faith or bad. People have different intentions and motives, compromises will probably be made with the story in many ways, we all know how it goes with collaborations; the end product is a shared vision among multiple creators. This could be a potentially controversial adaptation, I don’t know whether they’re aiming for that or not, but with the elements it has so far, it seems to be headed that way.

Here's a comment by "Angellus" on the 5/21 article. It's undeniable that there's going to be the accusation of racism thrown at anyone who has any negative view of this change, regardless of their reasons. I find it unfair and narrow-minded that any negative response is automatically assumed to be coming from a racist point of view. To say that changing Louis' race is unequivocally an improvement fails to take into account how that change has a Domino effect on all of the other parts of the story. Not the least of which is that, if he is still a slaver/slave holder/plantation owner/(insert your preferred term) that adds a whole new racist element to his owning Black/POC people, even though, apparently there were Black/POC plantation owners. 

Not the least of which: How will this change impact his relationship with Lestat? Particularly when Lestat has the added issue of being described in those articles as having “mind control abilities” and “insistent that he gets what he wants and when facing rejection,” a terrible combination in terms of consent, even in a relationship of the same race, let alone invoking Caucasian/white dominance over Black/POC people, AND Lestat being the catalyst to Louis’ questioning his sexuality:

Lestat is insistent that he gets what he wants and when facing rejection, petulance can quickly turn to ruthless rage which causes frenzied acts of horrifically brutal violence. Lestat also has mind control abilities. Lestat initially infuriates Louis, but this soon turns to fascination which leads Louis to question his religion and sexuality. 

^Screencap reads: "I love how racist everyone is in the damn comments, this doesn’t pervert the story you’re all racist and it’s disgusting. I’m looking forward to it, I hope you keep crying your salty racist tears asswipes."

It makes me question whether Angellus truly believes what they wrote, if this is an ideology, or a troll. I would suggest their use of the term “pervert” is correct though, pervert means: “alter (something) from its original course, meaning, or state to a distortion or corruption of what was first intended.” That’s what this race change does, factually. Although, in this context, “distortion or corruption” carries a negative connotation. It would take a lot to show how this change does not meet the definition or “to pervert,” though.

I hope the rumours of Louis being a brothel owner aren't true

I agree 1,000%, I was hoping that these were just rumors. But, aside from the race change, if this were the only change, I find Louis being a brothel owner to be equivalently morally reprehensible to being a slaver/slave holder/plantation owner/(insert your preferred term). Ideally, they’d change his career to something that doesn’t involve benefiting from the bodies/labor of others in any morally reprehensible manner.

I mean, with a black Louis they can't have him being a slaver anymore, so maybe they're trying to find something that is also morally reprehensible for him to be.

He might still be a slaver. Who knows. Being morally reprehensible as a mortal man didn’t seem to me to be crucial to the story, but they still could have chosen something better. It seems to me like they want a brothel so they can have eye candy for an audience who want to see sex workers, maybe full frontal nudity. 

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What also gets my attention is that Anne and Christopher Rice have not yet posted publicly about it, which leads me to believe that this change wasn’t their choice. They take every chance to brag when they’re proud of something, every chance to crowdsource about casting ideas or which VC books Anne’s fans liked best, etc., and in this case, as of Aug. 31, 2021, (and to be fair, maybe I missed it), I haven’t seen either of them post about this on the official VC FB, Anne Rice’s FB, Annerice.com, Christopher Rice’s FB, or christopherricebooks.com. If it had been their choice, I think they would have gladly trumpeted their credit by now, but maybe they’re waiting to do it in a specific venue. Time will tell.

[essayofthoughts]

📕

Put “📓” or some other version of a book emoji into my inbox and I’ll explain the plot of a fanfiction that I haven’t written but daydream about.

From what I see of CR fandom there's ... well frankly, not a lot of thoughts about Cassandra de Rolo, which is a shame because she's fascinating, but there seem to be a few specific trends for her. Some people want to give her a chance to be awesome and adventure on her own, which fine, I kind of get but also I think after the five years she had she'd want to unwind and relax and be safe more than a lot of things. Even when dealing with anger and all (with Percy's help, given some of the Wrap Up comments) I don't think that's necessarily the route she'd go. The other trends I see for her are often specifically romantic - and there's two trends I see there. People who ship her with Kynan, due to some of the Wrap Up comments from Matt, and people who ship her with Kaylie for... I don't know what reason. Some combo of Lesbians and, from what I could tell "it'd piss off Percy and that'd be funny" which I don't necessarily believe and certainly do not find encouraging ship motivation.

Sufficeth to say, I do not find either of these particularly compelling.

I've written a small fic about Cass before (here) and one day I'd like to write something that builds on it. Specifically, I want to explore how she might interact with Desmond.

No, not the mapmaker, that's Tyriok.

No, not the person they saved outside of Westruun from the orcs.

No. No. No.

The carriageboy Percy maimed.

Yeah. Him.

See, there's a few things I think that have the potential to make that interesting. Firstly, we're told Desmond is around 18 - which is to say, older than Kynan, around the same age as Cass, and likely around the same age Percy was when the Briarwoods attacked.

(Percy's last words to Desmond before knocking him out, "I want you spend the rest of your life making up for what you allowed to happen", suddenly take on a whole load of other meaning when you consider that, imo.)

He's a Whitestone native, he's not an inherently bad person. Percy attempts to apologise once they return, but gets repeatedly spoken over because he pauses, presumably trying to find the right words to apologise ("I'm sorry I maimed you, I was not entirely myself and may have been under the influence of a demon but that's no excuse and I do not know that I can ever make amends to you for the wrong I have done you" is not an apology that's likely to fall easily from anyone's lips, let us be honest here). He does ultimately try to ensure Desmond gets a position of work - which he may otherwise struggle to find, given his maimed hand, and again, which it is only fair Percy attempt to rectify given his responsibility.

But ah, this is all Desmond and Percy, let me move on to Desmond and Cassandra.

They're of an age. They also both lived through the Briarwoods occupation in pretty close proximity to the Briarwoods - Cassandra as their prisoner and Desmond first as the carriageboy of one of their new nobles and then as their carriageboy. They've seen both the Briarwoods capability for kindness, for protective anger, and for their cruelty and brutality - including towards them. They murdered Cassandra's family; when she helped Percy escape they were shot at and she was shot down under their orders. They abandoned Desmond when Vox Machina attacked; on realising he was their prisoner they sent two invisible stalkers to kill him.

They also were twistedly parental to Cassandra and saved Desmond from Tylieri's treatment. These two undoubtedly have complicated, messy and often unclear thoughts and emotions regarding the Briarwoods. Desmond was offered a job as a courier between Whitestone and Emon but after Musician's Nostalgia he's never heard from again. He may have been killed during the Conclave's attack, if he was still in Emon - or he may have been sent off already. The wiki assumes he lives; we don't know for certain. But I like the idea he lives and I like this specific idea, so I run with the assumption he survived and either made his way to Whitestone or was part of the refugees VM evacuated to Whitestone.

And I like the idea that he ends up in service to Cass, basically as her manservant and personal assistant. Percy wants to see Desmond employed. Cassandra is being left in charge of Whitestone and all the things Percy, in his particular messy way, is not good at dealing with, which is to say the aftermath of so much of what he does.

So Cassandra, partially perhaps as a pointed comment, keeping Desmond as her personal servant - so Percy cannot forget what he has done and what he has left her to deal with.

I do not think Desmond would ever think particularly kindly of Percy. I do not blame him. No matter how much I love Percy as a character and think him well constructed and find him fascinating to explore - I would not blame Desmond in the least for being bitter and angry regarding the man who maimed him, never apologised, ensured he was given employment and just left the handling of that to his deeply traumatised younger sister.

There are many legitimate reasons to criticise Percy and Desmond, in this circumstance even more than canon, would have every cause to see those.

But I also think he'd have a lot of reasons to empathise with and understand Cassandra. I think their understanding of the complexity of their personal relationships with the Briarwoods would make them less judgemental of one another's difficult decisions during the occupation; their understanding of the pressures of the occupation and the grief Whitestone and the families within it bear for what happened - they lived in and amongst it as Percy did not.

I think they could connect on an interesting and deep way.

I also think neither is particularly prone to trusting, given everything. I think they'd take a damn long time to admit their trust for each other let alone anything else. If I wrote it, it would be a painfully slow burn.

But... I like to imagine it. I like to think up how they'd slowly be drawn closer just by working together and seeing each other every day and understanding one another's quirks. I like to think about the steady, quiet peace they build because neither has much care for sudden loud noises or explosive anger. For how their understanding of one another builds reassurance; for how that means they stand firm for each other in tentative friendship and empathetic loyalty. I like to think about the way they act towards each other, starting as the formal standard of ruling Lady and personal manservant and how that shifts as they use that to shield one another from things they know they dislike; Desmond given leave when Percy comes to speak to Cassandra, Desmond interrupting with some small important distraction when Cassandra gets caught in panic or anxiety or a memory. Quietly, persistently, helping each other, and it seeming only as work.

But it's too persistent for just work. It's too consistent for work.

But of course - they cannot just admit it. They have little reason to trust, for all they very clearly trust each other within their set dynamic.

This story, if I ever wrote it, would unfold slowly, small thing weighing upon small thing until the pressure is insurmountable and impossible to ignore.

It's not my usual style, that kind of steady slow pacing. But one day, I'd like to try it.

[andorerso]

For rebelcaptain.

What’s your favorite au idea that you’ve never seen done? Whats you favorite au that you’ve considered writing? Could be something you’ve written or something you haven’t.

What’s your favorite “extra relationship” (platonic or romantic) in rebelcaptain fics?

Which fic made you laugh the most?

Which scene that you wrote is your favorite and why?

Thanks for all the fascinating and wonderful answers and sorry for asking so many questions. *reminder* You can answer as many or as few as you want too.

oh it's okay, talking about fics and Rebelcaptain are two of my favorite things!

What’s your favorite au idea that you’ve never seen done? there’s so many aus in this fandom, it’d be hard to choose, I feel like my absolute favorites have actually been done. but I’ll give you two AUs I’d love to see anyway: firstly an Outlander AU. I don’t even like Outlander to be perfectly honest, but I love the concept. Jyn travels back in time and meets sexy brooding and long dead (at least in her own time) Cassian. they slowly fall in love while she hunts for a way to go home and the dilemma arises, does she stay or does she go back?

secondly, a Good Behavior AU which I contemplated doing myself a couple of times. if you don’t know the show, I highly recommend it because I think anyone who likes Rebelcaptain would have a blast with it. it’s about a thief/con artist and an assassin, and I mean that’s already canon for Jyn and Cassian right there so it’d be the perfect AU. honestly the actors in the show even look like they could be alternate fancasts for Jyn and Cassian. so I just always wanted to see an AU like that for them.

What’s you favorite au that you’ve considered writing? Could be something you’ve written or something you haven’t. for something I’ve written, definitely the vampire au (and I honestly never expected to write it, it’s been on my mind since 2018) and the not quite supernatural au aka shadow preachers because monster hunters might just actually be my favorite genre ever and I had a blast writing it.

something I haven’t written but considered writing: there’s so many lmao. I have tons of ideas that don’t get done either because I don’t have the time or I don’t have the skills. right now, the king of the underworld Cassian AU is living in my brain rent free but a week later, it might be something else.

What’s your favorite “extra relationship” (platonic or romantic) in rebelcaptain fics? I don’t know if I have a favorite - actually no, I really don’t have a preference, but I do have many that I love. for romantic Chirrut/Baze obviously, and I also really like Bodhi/Luke. for platonic, Cassian & Kay is my ultimate favorite but Jyn & Bodhi is a very close second. I’m also super fond of Cassian & Leia. I feel like fics tend to pair Leia more often with Jyn (which I also love) but my heart just prefers Cassian & Leia, especially if it’s a situation where they don’t already know each other, I love it if it’s paired up like Cassian & Leia and Jyn & Han (aka what I did in the vampire au) lastly, special shutout to Cassian & Draven. such a complex and fascinating dynamic, personally I’m really fond of fics where Draven actually cares about Cassian, even if he doesn’t really show it or know how to show it.

Which fic made you laugh the most? the one where Jyn gets rickrolled but doesn’t realize it and thinks the song is actually good and takes it very seriously? an absolute GEM and it had me clutching my chest laughing. you can read it here if you wanna check it out and YOU SHOULD.

I’m also gonna plug Jordan @moonprincess92 here because I feel like her fics in general are just very funny, like if I’m thinking humor and Rebelcaptain, I always think of her

Which scene that you wrote is your favorite and why? honestly, I don’t really have a favorite, I’ve written so many things, it’d be hard to choose. one scene that came to my mind though is from shadow preachers aka the not quite supernatural au when the doubles who look like Jyn and Cassian make out in front of Jyn and Cassian and Jyn’s like.... yikes, why am I turned on, they’re about to murder us. it was so self-indulgent (the whole fic was) and I’m honestly very happy that I got to do that.

[finaledenialist]

i don't really care why people ship two brothers together because like there so much about the dynamic that you can twist. kind of like we know canonically that Dean for a boner for Jo but we still assigned her a little sister role eventually lol. if you wanna say that they read too much into things then like, no. we all do and we all sometimes see things we want to see that weren't there because that's more fun!

I was always rly fascinated with why are wincels always so aggressive and vile when they interact with anything that isn't glossing over their precious ship or favourite actor. I know there's crazy people everywhere but I've never been jumped by misha stans for making fun of Misha's hair lol. it's also very common for them to hate everybody that isn't their faves to a point where they harrassed actors and their families.

I remember someone saying that wincels are narcissists who get off to the idea of sharing a very tiny world in deep codependency with someone. it really did stick with me because narcissists tend to isolate their partner from everyone else and also tend to be really entitled. They also can't take any criticism (real or perceived - I'm sure we've all had wincels send anon hate over criticising certain plot points as if it was a direct attack on them personally) and they lash out. Plus usually people get tired after they've releases their frustration, but wincels are known for stalking people with a worrying persistence. oh, and the delusions. like, I've shipped lots of questionable things and wrote lots of questionable fics but I've never thought YEAH TOTALLY THE CONTENT THAT BELONGS IN THE SHOW while they genuinely seem to think two brothers getting together on-screen on a network tv was a totally right way to go lol

so that's my two cents on Why Are They Like That

this is amazing! please keep talking, Nonny! I don't have enough psychology knowledge to add anything coherent to the narcissist stuff, but what you said seems right, especially the part about not taking criticism. what baffles me the most is the aggressive behaviour, because yeah, if we put aside the incest stuff and the ridiculous theories about j*2 being secretly married and all that comes with that, like let's forget about it for a second: why the aggression.

why stalking actors to the point they had to move or had extra security. why hating on their wives and kids. why sending hate mail to the network to write off female characters (jo). why sending hate to other fans. why. why does it all go hand in hand with shipping fucking wincest (or rpf).

do they subconsciously know/think they are like... doing something wrong (which... as long as it stays in fanfic and generally in fandom... is not Evil™, it's not even necessarily Wrong™)... and that is why they lash out at anyone who doesn't share their views or something? because i swear they sometimes act like cornered animals when defending themselves and i know our side of fandom has people that love to poke them with a stick and provoke because their reactions are ultimately explosive, but again! the hate they send is beyond anything i have ever seen