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snelbz · 3 years

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Life As We Know It {Chapter Three}

Summary: After the sudden deaths of Nesta’s sister and Cassian’s best friend, they gain guardianship of their nephew, Nyx.

Based on Life As We Know It (2010) and a prompt sent in by anonymous for our Nessian fanfic contest. This is a modern au.

Instead of doing a tag list for this story, we have decided to have a set posting schedule. Chapters will be posted weekly on Mondays and Thursdays. Chapters will be posted on both my and Tara’s blogs! >> @tacmc.

Life As We Know It Masterlist

Shelby’s Masterlist

Tara’s Masterlist

Nesta sat across the kitchen table in Azriel and Elain’s kitchen, looking at her sister.

“I mean, I just don’t get it,” Nesta continued, shaking her head. “Me and Cassian… Why didn’t they choose you and Azriel? You’ve been together forever and want a big family.”

“You’re second guessing taking care of Nyx?” Elain asked, with no judgement, just curiosity.

“No, of course not,” Nesta began, sighing. “It’s just… Me and Cassian?”

“They did try to set you two up all those years ago,” Elain said, propping an elbow on the table and dropping her chin in her hand.

Nesta raised an eyebrow and crossed her arms. “And how well did that work out?”

Elain rolled her eyes, but sighed. “Feyre was right though,” she said, looking at the letter from Rhys and Feyre, laying face down on the table. Nesta had brought it over for Elain to read, which had just made them both start crying over again. “You have the fiercest heart. Nyx needs you in his life.”

She blinked away the tears lining her eyes again. Silently, she wondered when she’d be able to think about her sister, about Rhys again, without dissolving into tears. She knew it would be a long while.

Finally, she said, “I know he does. I just don’t understand why Cassian has to be involved. That’s not going to be a healthy environment for him to grow up in.”

She could already see it, she and Cassian at each other’s throats. He knew how to get under her skin, loved to do it, did it as often as he could. It would be all Nyx saw as he grew up, his guardians screaming at each other.

“He needs to be somewhere happy and loving and peaceful. Like here, Lainy. He’d flourish here, with you and Az and Seph.”

Elain gave her sister a long, wistful look. Her eyes were soft and misty when she said, “We’re just learning to take care of one, Nes. I can’t… We can’t take on another infant. And, besides, it wasn’t what Feyre and Rhys wanted.”

“They probably wrote that the second they got engaged,” Nesta said, knowing that wasn’t true. “They didn’t know what they wanted.” Elain glanced at the open letter that sat on the table between them. “I read it. They knew exactly what they wanted for Nyx in case something happened to them, and I think that they were right. Just because you and Cassian can’t see it doesn’t mean that it’s not a good idea.”

“The lawyer will disagree with that,” Nesta muttered, remembering Tarquin’s words from their meeting. I tried to advise them against this. She shivered. “The thought of living with Cassian and playing house has me nauseous. And pissed off. So pissed off that I’m nauseous.”

Elain sighed again. “He really is a-.”

“A good guy,” Nesta interrupted, letting her head fall into her hands. Her fingers tugged in the roots slightly. “I know. You keep telling me that. Feyre always told me that. Everyone keeps telling me that. But the two of us?” She looked up at Elain, letting her see into those eyes that matched Feyre’s perfectly, letting her see the slight panic in them, letting her see everything. “We aren’t compatible. Everything about him, it throws me off.”

A cry from down the hall had both of the women standing, but when Nesta realized it was Nyx, she hurried out of the kitchen. In a flash, she was in the spare room, crossing to the small crib Elain and Az had set up for Feyre and Rhys when they found out they were pregnant.

Nyx’s blue eyes were wide and he let out another tortured wail and Nesta tried to soothe him before he was even in her arms. “It’s okay, bubba,” she cooed, holding him against her chest. He kept crying, though the volume of his screams lessened. Instead they were more akin to what Nesta would have almost called sobs.

“It’s been a long day,” she breathed. “I think we should go home, yeah?”

She gathered his diaper bag from where it laid on the bed and when she entered the living room, Elain was sitting on the couch, reading over the letter again. Quiet tears slid down her cheeks.

“I’m gonna get him home,” Nesta said, softly. She repeated, “It’s… It’s been a long day.”

Nodding, Elain folded the letter back up and wiped at the tears on her face with the back of her hand. “Right.” She held the letter out to Nesta, who took it, careful not to jostle Nyx who had finally quieted down, though Nesta could tell he was still awake.

His little hand was pressed to the side of her neck, and she could feel it moving gently.

“Call me if you need anything,” Elain said, carefully hugging her and pressing a kiss to the top of Nyx’s head. “Az and I will help you move what you need to into the house, so don’t hesitate to ask.”

Nesta could only nod, still unsure of how she was going to do this, how she was going to live her life, while also taking care of the far more precious one in her arms. She silently left, driving home and getting Nyx inside and settled, letting him sit in the Bumbo seat she’d found in the kitchen atop the counter while she cooked dinner.

After putting him down for bed, Nesta found herself sitting on the balcony off of Rhys and Feyre’s old bedroom. She looked out into the small wood that made up their backyard, over the pool and chairs that had been set up for the approaching summer, but her eyes were drawn up to the stars that Velaris was famous for.

“I don’t know how to do this,” she whispered, not sure if she was admitting it to herself or to Rhys and Feyre, listening to her wherever they were. “I’m so scared I’ll do something wrong.”

The sounds of crickets and other manner of nighttime creatures were the only reply she received.

“I know you believed in me, in us, but I don’t. I want to make you both proud but I don’t know if I can do that. I just need something to tell me that I’m not making a huge mistake and-.

She softly gasped as a shooting star went blazing across the sky, a second one following it right after.

Her lip trembled as she nodded up at the night sky, understanding, knowing who had sent those stars. She almost felt like she could feel them there, as if they were telling her that it would be hard, but she could do it.

And she… she didn’t have to do it alone.

Cassian wasn’t at Az and Elain’s for thirty seconds before he crossed to the mini-fridge Azriel kept stocked in the garage.

“There’s no way they thought this was a good idea,” he said, pacing around, Azriel silently watching him. “It’s a sick joke, just like all of this is. There’s another letter somewhere that says just kidding, wouldn’t that be funny though?”

He cracked open the beer and drank it all in one go.

“I mean, Rhys and I always messed around and shit, but…this is too far,” he went on, tossing the can in the garbage and reaching for another one.

Azriel crossed his arms as he said, “Too many of those and you may think it’s funny, too.”

Cassian shot him a look as he drank from his can. “This isn’t funny. None of this is funny.”

Azriel took a deep breath before saying, “Did you stop to think that maybe they knew exactly what they were doing?”

Cassian said nothing as he propped himself on a stool and shook his head. Azriel didn’t push him. Eventually, Cassian said, quietly, “I want to help Rhys. I want to be the man that he thought I was. I mean, shit, he left me in charge of his child. And I would die for that child. But, Nesta was right, you know? I have no idea how to take care of a kid, especially one as young as Nyx.”

“You think I did, when Seph came along?” He asked, leaning back against the workbench. Cassian was as comfortable in this garage as he was his own, had created just as many beautiful things here as he had in his own cramped space. But he focused on Azriel’s words, sighed as he listened to his brother.

“I was scared shitless, but that didn’t mean a thing to her, or to Elain,” he went on. “Because they both needed me. They needed me to get my shit together and figure it out, and that’s exactly what I did.”

Cassian didn’t say anything, he just looked down at his feet, at his dirty work boots and silently drank from the can in his hands.

Azriel crossed the garage and pulled out a beer of his own, cracking it open and taking a drink. “So read the books, do the research, go online, do whatever you have to do, but Cassian, listen to me.”

His brother rarely used his full name, so he looked up at him, nor expecting to find the tenderness on his face or the silver lining his eyes.

“If you think for one second that Rhys and Feyre didn’t know what they were doing, you’re wrong. No one loves that little boy as much as you do. Yeah, you’re probably going to fuck up once or twice, but it’s okay.” Azriel placed a hand on his shoulder. “It happens and as long as you learn from it, that’s all that matters.”

Cassian wiped at his eye with the back of his hands. “I’m fucking scared, man.”

“I know you are,” Az replied, his voice dropping, almost gentle. “Not to mention we’re all still hurting. But you and Nesta are going to be fine, Nyx is going to be fine.”

Cassian clamped his eyes shut. He groaned. “It wouldn’t be so bad, I know I can learn to take care of Nyx, but Nesta? They expect me to live with Nesta?”

Azriel actually hesitated. “Yeah, that sucks.”

Cassian, despite himself, laughed quietly. “Yeah.”

“But, believe it or not, I think she’d be good for you,” Azriel said, keeping that quiet tone.

“Now you’re trying to set us up?” Cassian asked, wiping at his eyes and the tears that had nearly fallen.

Azriel shook his head. “No. But, Nesta Archeron gets shit done. And she loves Nyx, too. The two of you together….different parenting styles? Yeah. But, you’d be surprised at how well two opposites balance each other out when it comes to parenting.”

Cassian thought of Azriel and Elain. They were both gentle and kind, but they were pretty opposite, too.

“And if it’s a complete failure?” Cassian asked.

Azriel sighed as he watched Cassian. At last, he said, “It won’t be.”

Cassian wanted to believe him, wanting to feel confident in the words Azriel said, but even his third beer hadn’t lifted his confidence.

He let his head fall back, staring up at the ceiling, at the garage door that was raised to allow the cool, night breeze in. “I have to live with Nesta Archeron. The Mother thinks she’s funny. The Cauldron is laughing at me. Fate is rubbing its hands together and laughing maniacally.”

“No,” Az chuckled. “I think that might be Rhys.”

Cassian snorted, but the door to the house opened and Elain stuck her head out. She smiled softly at Cassian, who raised his drink in greeting. “I thought I heard you out here. You gonna stay for dinner?”

His alternative was grabbing something from a drive through or searching through his fridge for something that wasn’t completely freezer burned, so he smiled and said, “Sure, Lainy. Thanks.”

She beamed at them both and the door clicked shut behind her as she turned to go back to the kitchen. Cassian looked over at Azriel to find him still smiling like a fool at the door.

He sighed quietly as he realized he would probably never have that, would never have someone he could stare after and gaze at as fondly as Azriel did Elain. Not if he was to spend his life shackled to someone who wanted absolutely nothing to do with him.

As soon as he thought the words, he chastised himself, stepping out into the driveway. She was just as miserable about the whole ordeal as he was. But for Nyx, they could try and make it work. They would make it work. They would do what they had to.

He sighed, gazing up into the night sky.

Shaking his head, he wondered if there was some sort of afterlife. If there was, he wondered if Rhysand and Feyre were somewhere in the sky, looking down at him, trying to encourage him, trying to get a message to him during this horrible, hectic, anxiety-ridden unknown time.

He hoped they were.

He could use it.

That encouragement.

That love.

Cassian began raising his can to his lips, but then he froze.

A shooting star shot across the night sky.

Then another.

Cassian’s hand fell back to his side as he stared at the bright Velaris starlight, completely in awe.

They were watching, they were there with him. They were there with all of them.

Of course they were.

Cassian swore under his breath as he fully gave into the ridiculous notion of moving in with Nesta, of co-parenting with the most frustrating, stubborn woman in Prythian.

But for Nyx, he would.

For Rhysand, for Feyre, he would.

#life as we know it #snacmc lawki #nessian #nessian contest #nesta archeron #cassian #snelbz tacmc collab #acotar #acomaf #acowar #acofas #acosf

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ncssian · 3 years

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A Favor: Part Twenty

Nessian Modern AU

Masterlist

a/n: sorry for the wait yall this month really kicked my ass,, but also we reached part 20!!

tw infertility discussion

***

Gwyn: isn’t he beautiful <3

In the freezing February air outside the tea house, Nesta clicks on the picture attached to Gwyn’s text. It’s a distant shot of a man in his mid-thirties hunched over a library desk while working, unaware that there’s a camera on him. She’ll give it to Gwyn, though—he is a little handsome.

Emerie: the stalker levels are through the roof, gwyneth. seek help.

Gwyn: no i’m gonna marry him

Nesta doesn’t know whether to laugh or be concerned, but she types out a brief response before her thumbs fall off from the cold: Will give my opinion on him later. Got to go.

Gwyn’s crush will have to wait, Nesta thinks as she finally puts her phone away and pushes her way inside the exquisite tea house. Immediately, blasting heat thaws her frozen fingers and toes, and farther inside she spots the table she reserved for three. Right now, only one person sits at it.

Nesta grits her teeth and approaches the round table, heels clicking softly on the parquet floors. Elain doesn’t look up from the menu she’s reading. “This place would be nicer to visit in the spring,” is her only acknowledgment of Nesta.

“I like the winter,” Nesta answers simply, taking her seat across from Elain. She likes how the ice creeps over the garden outside until everything looks frozen in time, and she likes how the colorful flowers and trees become dulled by white snow. Not that her sister would understand or care.

“Of course you do,” Elain mutters, setting down the menu with all the careful elegance of a debutante. “I’m only here for Feyre, anyway.”

It almost saddens Nesta that she doesn’t feel hurt or offense at the words. She thought she would care more about Elain’s opinion than she actually does. “Where is Feyre, then?” she says, looking pointedly at the empty seat between them. “I thought she was coming with you.”

“I’m right here,” a breathless voice says, accompanied by the sound of hurried footsteps. Feyre appears, looking flushed from exertion and the cold. She sets her bag down and joins them at the table, scooting her seat all the way in. “Sorry I’m late. What did I miss?”

“Nothing,” Nesta bites. “I was just about to order.”

“So was I.” Elain smiles breezily.

Feyre glances between the two of them, clear concern on her face, but she covers it up and says, “I’m so glad we’re doing this.”

It was Feyre’s idea, of course. After Nesta told her off for never being interested in what she wanted to do, Feyre actually listened. She asked if Nesta wanted to hang out, and then let Nesta fill in the rest of the details on her own terms.

Which brings them to the tea house. Unfortunately for her sisters, however, Nesta doesn’t really know where to go from ordering tea and biscuits.

“How is school going?” Feyre asks her after their drinks arrive.

Nesta sips from her tea, already bored. “It’s been fifteen minutes and you have yet to say anything of substance, Feyre. It makes me miss being alone with Elain and her mood.”

Feyre looks taken aback, and Elain levels a glare at Nesta. An unsurprised, of course you have to ruin everything like this glare.

So Nesta clarifies, “That wasn’t an attack. I just hoped that after driving out here, I would get something better than shallow small talk.”

“And how do you know it was shallow?” Elain steps in harshly. “How do you know she isn’t actually interested in how you’re doing at school?”

Nesta slides blunt blue eyes to Feyre. “If that’s the case, then I commend you. Personally, I wouldn’t give a shit if I was in your position.”

To her surprise, Feyre snorts. She looks resigned when she says, “No, you’re right. I don’t care about what’s going on at school, not if you don’t. What would you rather we talk about then, Nesta?”

Without hesitation, Nesta says, “Ask me something you really care to hear the answer to.”

Elain shuts her mouth and sits back at that. Feyre twists her lips, thinking her next words over carefully. “How is your therapy going?” she finally asks in a cautious tone. “What do you talk about there?”

Remembering that she’s in a formal setting, Nesta stops herself from crossing her arms. She settles on wrapping her fingers delicately around her teacup instead. “We talk about whatever I feel like talking about,” she answers honestly. Although lately her conversations with Lana feel more restrained than usual.

“And what’s that?” Feyre urges.

Nesta shrugs, fitting apathy onto her face like an old mask. “Recently? Childbearing.” But it isn’t her favorite topic of discussion, not at all.

“You’re pregnant?” Elain jumps in, leading Nesta to throw her an unamused look.

“No, idiot,” she says. “My therapist just has the idea that if I end up being infertile it’ll screw me up, mentally and emotionally and whatever. She thinks I should deal with that baggage now instead of saving it for later.” She rolls her eyes thinking about it. How many times does she have to repeat that she doesn’t care about her body’s reproductive abilities until Lana gets it?

Feyre chuckles, confused. “Why would you be infertile?”

Nesta forgot—she didn’t want her sisters knowing anything that has to do with her health. She even made Cassian keep her doctor visits secret from Feyre. But that was months ago, and the sisters are… not exactly in a better place now, but looking for the way there. Nesta thinks she can tell them without any severe regrets. “I have endometriosis.”

When she’s met with silence, she adds, “You know, with the tissue growing on my ovaries and stuff. It might affect all the babies I don’t care to have in the future.”

Elain is the first to speak. “You always wanted to be a mother.” Her voice is soft, almost mourning. It irritates the hell out of Nesta.

“No, I didn’t,” she snaps back.

“You did,” Elain insists. Feyre still hasn’t said anything. “You took care of our cat, Mittens, until the day she died. You taught Feyre her alphabet. You raised me when Mama and Papa were too busy to do it. You never carried dolls around in strollers or anything, but you loved being a mother.”

“I don’t remember any of this,” Feyre says, blinking. “I’m sorry, can we go back to the endometriosis part?”

Nesta sips from her tea, the bitter taste a welcome distraction from Elain’s words. “What about it?”

“How long have you known?” Feyre demands.

“It isn’t cancer. And I’m getting treated, obviously. I’m fine.”

“That doesn’t answer my question.”

Nesta sighs, setting her cup down. “October. Cassian made me go to the doctor because he was worried about my periods, we had a big fight about health insurance, and now I use my salary from your boyfriend to afford medication so I don’t feel like dying every month. Is that everything you wanted to hear?”

Feyre only stares at her, for once revealing no emotion. “I keep forgetting,” she says finally, “that we’re not at a place to share things like that with each other. I keep being surprised every time I realize how much of your life you keep from us.”

“I don’t,” Elain huffs under her breath while she tears a croissant in half.

Nesta is still watching Feyre. “You remember how bad my cycles were? I would cry loud enough at night to wake the house.”

Feyre flinches at the memory, and Elain goes still.

“But no one ever woke up,” Nesta says. They never talked about it before, and she has no desire to keep speaking about it now. If they start to tally all the hurts they’ve dealt to each other, Nesta fears they’ll be here for hours. Worse, she fears she will lose.

She reaches for a lavender macaron and delicately pulls it apart, studying the cream filling inside. “Did you know they make these using the lavender flowers from the garden outside?”

“I hate lavender,” Elain says.

Spying her chance to shift the subject off herself, Nesta goes for it. “Because Azriel smells like lavender?” She pushes one half of the dainty cookie past her lips, chewing. “It’s an interesting cologne choice, I agree.”

“Wait, what are we talking about now?” Feyre looks around, unaware that they’ve moved onto another topic.

Elain’s innocent brown eyes turn into daggers pointed at Nesta, betrayal written across her face. Nesta feels no pity for her—especially not if they’re going to sit around judging each other for keeping secrets.

Feyre’s eyes widen and she turns to Elain. “Is it about your,” she lowers her voice and whispers, “crush?”

Nesta raises a skeptical brow. She doubts whatever Az and Elain have stops at just a crush.

“No, it’s not,” Elain answers determinedly. “God, do you have to bring men into everything, Nesta?”

“I think you’re projecting.”

“Quit it,” Feyre snaps at the both of them. “Or I’ll grab my things and leave.”

Do it, Nesta almost dares. But she has a feeling that Feyre means it, that she won’t submit to being taunted, so Nesta reins the words back from the tip of her tongue. After all, this tea is expensive.

The sisters take a moment to settle, and Feyre is the one to restart the conversation. “Either way,” she tells Nesta, “it looks like counseling is going really well for you. I’m glad.”

“Yeah, it really gives your skin a certain glow,” Elain drawls.

Nesta doesn’t rise to meet her sarcasm. In all seriousness, Elain and Feyre could probably use a therapist themselves. It might make Nesta’s interactions with them less headache-inducing.

“You should visit one day,” she throws the suggestion out without thinking.

“What, like a therapy session?” Feyre says.

Realizing the implications of her terrible idea, Nesta forces herself not to backpedal. “Yes,” she makes herself grit out. “If you’re interested, that is.”

Elain and Feyre share a glance of hesitation and concern. It’s a glance that grates on Nesta’s nerves, but she keeps her mouth shut and waits for a response.

Feyre answers first: “We’ll do it.”

Elain looks more doubtful, but seems to realize that refusing to go would paint her in a negative light. We can’t have that, can we? Nesta thinks wryly. She reaches for some macarons and starts stuffing them into her purse. “Sounds good. Great.” It is not at all great. Having her sisters in the same room as her and Lana might just be terrible enough to ruin Nesta’s next month or two.

“I’ll text you the details whenever I feel like it,” she tells Feyre and Elain as she rises out of her seat. Likely not for as long as possible.

“Where are you going?” Elain demands.

“I’m leaving.” Nesta pointedly drapes her coat over her shoulders, picking up her purse. “I have plans for the rest of the day, sorry.” Plans to get home and rate Gwyn’s work crush on a scale of one to ten. Maybe she’ll rewatch a sitcom if she has time.

“But it’s only been an hour,” Feyre protests.

Did Feyre think they would be spending the whole day together? Nesta wants to shudder at the mere idea of it, but she somehow… feels bad for her sister. “Maybe another time,” she promises vaguely. To provide some sort of reassurance, she adds, “I had fun today. Thanks for pulling this together.” The words are hollow, fake, and she’s probably a hypocrite for not being able to return the same sincerity she demanded from Feyre. But honesty isn’t going to get Nesta very far today, so this false politeness is the best she can manage.

Elain looks somewhat relieved, and Feyre looks disappointed but unsurprised. “Alright.” The girls nod at her. “Get home safe.”

She turns and leaves as soon as she’s given the green light.

A stale scent greets Nesta when she enters her apartment, reminding her that she hasn’t been around in days. In her defense, the winter months are easier to bear in Cassian’s heated cabin than in a poorly insulated basement.

Flicking the lights on, Nesta books it to the thermostat, her teeth nearly chattering out of her body. After turning the heat as high as it can go, she climbs beneath the covers of her bed without bothering to take her coat off. She doesn’t take out her phone to text the groupchat like she promised she would. She doesn’t even get her laptop to turn Netflix on. Rather, her focus is caught on the framed picture of her and Cassian sitting atop the dresser.

Everything was okay as she stepped out of the tea house. It wasn’t until she was inside her car that it came upon her: the whirlwind of emotions that had stayed so carefully hidden while she chatted with her sisters. All throughout the drive home, her mind kept returning to that one topic. Children.

Elain said that Nesta used to genuinely enjoy playing substitute mother when they were children, and she was right. But that was all fun and games, like playing teacher. What Elain left out was what happened after their actual mother died and their father went into debt, leaving all three girls in need of a parent figure. Nesta wasn’t a mother then—or at least, not a good one.

Now, she stares at the picture full of smiley cheeks and windblown hair, remembering the night that she realized she wanted to hold Cassian’s hand in hers.

She can’t imagine Cassian not wanting kids. They’ve never discussed it, but it’s so obvious to anyone who’s ever met him: he has too much love to give away to not one day end up with a whole brood of children. The thought makes Nesta’s stomach churn.

***

“Thanks again, guys.” Cassian shakes hands with his team as they file out of the conference room, all of them dressed professionally while he lingers in his hoodie. As soon as the last worker is out the door, he pulls out his phone, ready to shoot Nesta a message. She met up with her sisters alone today for the first time in a year, and he can’t wait any longer to find out if their brunch ended in a fight or not.

He clicks on his phone to find two texts from his brother, sent not too long ago.

Rhys: You’re in the office today for the monthly check-in, right?

Rhys: Don’t leave after the meeting is over. I’ll be there in an hour to introduce you to the new guy heading the Milan project.

Cassian frowns, confused. Rhys and the new guy are coming all the way up here to meet him? He didn’t know he was that important to the project.

While he waits for his unexpected guests, Cassian texts Nesta twice, and only receives a single short response saying she got home safe. Resolving to call and have a real conversation with her later, he gets up to change into the spare buttondown and pressed slacks he keeps in a locker in his office. If Rhys wants him to play the part of company boss, then he might as well look the part.

He’s adjusting the cuffs of his dark-colored shirt when the door to his office opens without warning, and Rhysand strides in followed by a stiff-looking young man.

Cassian eyes the stranger up and down first, trying to get a read on him the way he’s seen Nesta and Rhys read others. He doesn’t come up with a single thing, as usual, but he hopes he achieved his goal of looking intimidating.

“Cass,” Rhys greets him with a subdued nod, in full CEO mode. “This is our new hire, Keith O’Connell. I snagged him from right under Vanserra & Co.’s noses.” His near-violet eyes gleam with pride. “He’s going to be working out of Milan for us starting this summer.”

“Sounds good to me.” Cassian smiles lazily, and this is something he doesn’t need to fake—confidence. He reaches out to shake Keith’s hand. “Hi. I’m Cassian Madani.”

“Good to meet you.” The other man shakes back, but his grip is too tight, like he’s trying to break Cassian’s hand. Try-hard, a voice that sounds like Nesta tells him. Uses arrogance to cover up his insecurity.

Cassian takes it all into account as he pulls his hand away, seeing Keith through clearer eyes. His dark brown hair is slicked back with copious amounts of hair product, and a shrewd black gaze takes in every detail of the office. He stands like he’s attempting to seem taller than he actually is.

A typical white-collar worker looking for a way up the corporate ladder, Cassian concludes. Nothing he hasn’t seen before, but there must be a reason Rhys is so excited about him.

“Keith is starting here at your branch next week,” Rhys is saying when Cassian refocuses.

He blinks, unsure if he heard correctly. “What, all the way out here?” Away from Velaris in this modest mountain town?

“We agreed it was best if you two work together as closely as possible while preparing for the summer launch. Since you can’t come to Velaris, that means Keith comes here.”

Cassian looks at Rhys in astonishment. He thought that once he rejected the Milan position, he’d cleaned his hands of the job for good. Clearly he was wrong. “Just how involved am I going to be on this project?”

Rhys grins back at him. “You’ll lead from home base, of course.”

Cassian glares. Rhys responds with a look that says they’ll talk about this later.

Keith seems to find the idea of working alongside another person as distasteful as Cassian finds it unexpected, but he says anyway, “I can’t wait to start working together. I have a lot of ideas for the Italian outpost that I think you’ll appreciate.”

“I’m sure I will,” Cassian hums. “When do you start again?”

“Next Monday.”

“Then we should talk then.” Cassian gestures out the door. Keith looks taken aback, likely having expected more out of this meeting. But Cassian can’t meet with this guy until he gets a hold of what the fuck is going on. After shepherding Keith out of the office and shutting the door after him, he turns to Rhys with a raised brow.

“Don’t look at me like that,” Rhys warns. “Your role in this project is serious.”

“This project isn’t even part of my job description. What am I supposed to know about international business conductions?”

“You know enough to keep an eye on that O’Connell kid for me.” Rhys leans against Cassian’s desk as if it’s his own and crosses his feet. “He’s an asset to the company, but he also worked for our competitors up to a couple of months ago. I can’t trust him to manage this thing on his own, and I don’t have the time or resources right now to watch over him myself. That’s why the duty falls to you.”

“I manage security,” Cassian states, in case it wasn’t obvious. “What about Az?”

“Az has his own things to handle.” Rhys waves him off. “Just do what I tell you to, will you? Pay attention to O’Connell for the duration of the Italy venture and make sure he doesn’t steer our ship off course. You’ll get paid triple for the extra hours.”

“I don’t need triple,” Cassian grumbles, but Rhys is no longer listening. He’s typing on his phone and already heading for the door.

“Feyre and I are having dinner here before heading back home,” he calls over his shoulder. “See you later; I believe in you!” The door shuts after him, leaving Cassian alone.

“Yeah, yeah,” he replies to the empty room.

Cassian leaves not long after Rhysand does, having no excuse to linger. Outside, he’s greeted with a surprise leaning against the hood of his truck.

Nesta pushes off the hood as soon as he catches notice of her. “Long day?” she asks.

He laughs for the first time all afternoon, the sound surprised and genuine. “I was just thinking about you.”

“That’s why I’m here. I heard your thoughts.” There’s a light in her pale eyes that only burns whenever she looks at him. It’s the same light that powers her ability to make jokes and let her guard down around him in a way she can’t with most others, and Cassian is especially grateful for it today.

Nesta reaches out and takes his hand into hers. He watches the way their palms fit together in endless fascination, his brown fingers a stark contrast against her white ones. He squeezes once and looks back up at her. “How did meeting your sisters go? You never told me.”

The light flickers so briefly Cassian wonders if it’s a trick of his eyes. But then Nesta is there again, at full brightness. She squeezes his hand back. “Take me home. I’ll tell you all about it.”

***

a/n: i love writing stuff related to cassian’s job i’ll just be throwing random words in there and calling it business jargon

tagging: @hellasblessed @sjm-things @thewayshedreamed @drielecarla @valkyriewarriors @superspiritfestival @aliveahaahahafuck @cupcakey00 @sayosdreams @rainbowcheetah512 @claralady @thebluemartini @nessiantho @missing-merlin @duskandstarlight @lucy617 @sleeping-and-books @everything-that-i-love @cassianscool @swankii-art-teacher @wannawriteyouabook @awesomelena555 @julemmaes @wickedqueenoffantasy @poisonous-bloom @observationanxioustheorist @gisellefigue08 @courtofjurdan @theoverlyenthusiasticwriter @wolfiixxx @cass-nes @seashade @royaltykxx @illyrianundercover @queenestarcheron @monstrousloves-explodinggalaxies @humanexile @that-golden-lyre @agentsofsheilds @mercy-is-alive @cassiansbigwingspan @laylaameer01 @verypaleninja @maastrash @bow-dawn @perseusannabeth @dead-on-the-inside666 @jlinez @hungryreadingaddict @anidealiveson @planet-faerie @shallowhighwaters @ghostlyrose2 @chosenfamily-valkyriequeens @rarephloxes @readiajin @nessiantrashh @live-the-fangirl-life @ifinallygavein @xoblivisci @sjmships @jungtaekwoonie-is-life @lysandra-tiara @lanyjoy-13 @frosted-crackers @post-it-notes33 @loosingdreams @fromthelibraryofemilyj @18moneytoad @dontgetsalmonella @champanheandluxxury @togreblog

#a favor #ncssianwrites #nesta archeron #nessian #cassian #nessian fic #nessian au

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jungleslang · 4 years

Text

So everyone's been talking about Azriel's shadows and how they seem to dance around Gwyn, but disappear around Elain. People seem to think his shadows disappearing around Elain is a bad thing, but I don't think so. I know I'm a little late, but I figured I'd still join the club and add my own thoughts to this debate by creating yet another compilation.

Now, before we talk about what it means that Az's shadows disappear around Elain, we need to talk about what it means when Az's shadows are present, or when they are swarming around him, as they often do in the books.

This is the very first time we see Azriel's shadows "wreathing" him in the series. Amren makes a comment about how violent the Illyrians are, which we know is a major source of discomfort/hatred for Az. Her comment causes his shadows to flock to him. This indicates that Azriel's shadows appear when he is uncomfortable. And here are some more instances of this happening.

In all of these scenes, we can see Azriel's shadows coming out to swarm him when he is uncomfortable. In the first one, Cassian makes a comment about their younger days that embarrasses Az, but when Mor defends him, he relaxes and the shadows disappear. In the second scene, Azriel discusses his childhood and the fact that he learned to fly much later than his brothers, which is clearly also a source of pain and discomfort for him. The last scene happens in ACOWAR when the IC gets into that fight about Rhys working with Eris and them going to the prison to recruit the Bone Carver behind Amren's back. Azriel uses his shadows to try and hide and distance himself from the situation.

Now the fact that Az's shadows come out when he is uncomfortable demonstrates that his shadows also serve the purpose of protecting him from emotions that he does not want to feel. We can see this from the scenes where Azriel's shadows coil around him when he sees Mor and Cassian together.

Feyre specifically says that it seems like Azriel's shadows are shielding him. Shielding him from what he feels when he sees Mor and Cassian together, walking off without him. Then there's this scene with Helion.

Yet another instance of Az's shadows protecting him from how feels about the thought of Mor with someone else. In addition to protecting him from emotions that he doesn't want to deal with, Azriel's shadows also seem to offer some form of physical protection as well.

This is the scene in ACOWAR where Az pops off on Eris during the meeting with all of the high lords. Feyre says that Az's shadows are hiding him from "the wrath of the binding magic" that was supposed to prevent people from engaging in a physical fignt. This implies that his shadows can provide other forms of protection as well besides emotional protection. There are also various instances in the series where Az's shadows are referred to as shields / described as shielding him, but I can't add them all as I don't have the space, and it isn't really necessary.

The last scene with Az fighting Eris also specifically uses the word "hid," which brings up another important function of Az's shadows. Azriel uses them not only as protection from having to feel emotions he'd rather push away, but also to hide his emotions from other people. I'm pretty sure all Elriel shippers know that scene from ACOFAS where Rhys is questioning Az about why he doesn't keep track of Lucien's movements, and Rhys himself says that Azriel's shadows are wrapped too tighty around him, thus hiding his emotions far too well for Rhys to be able to get a read on him.

We all also know that Az's shadows tend to swarm around him when he's pissed off, like in that scene where he finds out that Elain has been kidnapped and his eyes glow golden.

The point here is that Azriel's shadows being present is pretty much never framed as a good thing in this series. Now, I'm not saying that his shadows dancing around Gwyn is necessarily a bad thing, but we have to keep in mind that Azriel's shadows suddenly appearing hardly, if ever, indicates anything good. On the flip side, Az's shadows brightening is usually framed as a positive thing. However, Gwynriel shippers are right about Az's shadows providing him comfort.

In these two scenes, Azriel is seen taking comfort in the shadows, and they are described as his sanctuary. But we have to ask, sanctuary from what? And from what I discussed above, it's clear they're a sanctuary from the emotions of the real world, which is not necessarily always a good thing. Azriel's shadows represent his safe space / comfort zone, but sometimes it's necessary that we step out of our comfort zones, which is something I think Az needs to do. He has A LOT of shit he needs to deal with (SJM said herself that he's going through some shit), and he's not gonna be able to deal with it while hiding safely within his shadows. There's nothing comfortable about facing your problems.

So, what does all of this say about the fact that his shadows disappear around Elain? Since his shadows appear when he is uncomfortable, this indicates that Elain makes him feel comfortable. Since his shadows appear to protect him, this indicates that he does not believe Elain is someone he needs to be protected from. Since his shadows appear when he wants to hide, this indicates that he does not feel the need to hide from Elain. When Elain is around, he does not need his shadows to be his companion because she is his companion. He doesn't need his shadows to act as a safe space because she is his safe space.

It is also important to note that Az is not doing this on purpose. Some people are saying that he's purposely hiding his shadows from her when he's actually not. And we know this is the case because Az is indeed capable of forcing his shadows to vanish, as when he first meets Elain and Nesta, Feyre comments on how both Rhys and Az had dimmed their shadows. But it's been established that Az's shadows sometimes act on their own. They are a part of him in a way, but they are also separate from him, which is also indicted by the fact he wasn't born with them. There is a clear difference in the books between Az's shadows lightening on their own and him purposely making them disappear. They are two different things, which I think is telling.

And now, I've saved what I think is the most important part for last.

I have never seen anyone talk about this, and maybe I'm reaching, but I think that this scene is important. This is when Az is teaching Feyre how to fly. Feyre implies that Az seems the most human when his shadows are gone, and she describes his face as stark and clear. I find it interesting that the world "clear" was used. Clear has many different definitions, including open, transparent, liberate, free from uncertainty, and cloudless/bright. Maybe I'm reading too much into this, but I feel like this is important because Az definitely needs to be more clear/open about a lot of things in his life. I don't think he needs to be rid of his shadows or anything, but he definitely needs to stop using them as a crutch, as a way to hide, and as place to retreat to when he doesn't want to face his feelings.

Okay this ended up being longer than I anticipated, and if you managed to read this whole clusterfuck, thank you. I would love to hear what you guys think, or if there's anything you guys would like to add 💙🌺

#elriel #elain archeron #azriel #elain x azriel #acosf #acosf spoilers

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aelingalathyniusrailme · 3 years

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welcome to who is the messiest bitch in pyrithian

each contenstant will be rated on 1) their taste for drama 2) their sassy-ness 3) what was their most iconic moment and 4) overall score

the bone carver

for drama solid 5/10. he lives to mess with the ic specifically feyre. i mean I don’t blame him he’s got a lot of time.

sassy 6/10 not blatantly sassy but he does have a lot of attitude.

most iconic moment: showing feyre her literal son before she and rhys were together

overall- i’ll give him 5.7/10

the suriel

drama-def 12/10 he is one messy ass bitch

sass-4/10 I honestly don’t remember if he’s sassy but I think he was more blunt

most iconic moment: obviously telling feyre she and rhys were mates. it was like omg their gonna end up together- HOLY FUCKING SHIT THEY’RE MATES

over all 9/10

the house of wind

drama 5/10 pushing nessian together, and we know it loves romance novels so it has to live for the angst and the tea. but the house very much gives me I want my couple with each other and each other only

sass 11/10 the HoW has so much attitude and I love it. not listening to nesta to force her to get better, it has a sense of humor, and taking nestas side over cassian’s

most iconic moment-the house doesn’t have a singular iconic moment but a lot of good little moments

so overall ima say 7/10

azriels shadows

drama 2/10 they just want to go to their mother and that’s it

sass 12/10 these little shits have so much attitude. they literally are like yea I don’t like this bitch so ima piece out. mood. they are definitely the equivalent of a puppy

most iconic moment: most definitely running away from elain and playing with gwyn and in turn making elriels cry. like that was truly iconic of them

overall-6/10 not that messy but do have a lot sass

hellion

drama- 8/10 hellion absolutely delights in drama but he doesn’t always initiate it

sass- 10/10 sassy bitch

most iconic moment- coming to the night court on a fucking pegasus and sleeping with mor

overall-8.8/10

eris

drama 6.5/10 he does create a lot but only when it serves him and not just because he can

sass 4/10 he’s witty and manipulative but he doesn’t bring the sass

most iconic moment-working behind berons back to kill him

overall- 4/10 he just doesn’t live for the drama man

rhys

drama- 7.5/10 you can’t tell me that he didn’t slightly enjoy being an evil asshole to everyone. bc my mans loves loves loves the drama

sass-5/10 he’s flirty and manipulative but is he sassy? I don’t think so

most iconic moment- steeling feyre from the night court to teach her to read and doing a 180 like oops i’m not evil after all

overall-8/10 rhys loves drama and we just need to accept that

nesta

drama-6/10 she causes a lot of drama but just doesn’t live for it

sass 10/10 she will fuck you over with her words

most iconic moment- controversial but definitely telling her sister she was going to die out of spite

overall 7/10

honorable mentions

beron, you were too much of a whiny little bitch so you did not get the chance to compete this year

amarantha, you are a rapist and so while I know you live for the drama you are not nor will you ever be welcome to compete. also you are a little dead

tamlin, you create drama because you are stupid

jurian, I simply did not feel like evaluating you

amren, you excédé the age max for those eligible

feyre, when you destroyed the spring court that was truly iconic but one great moment was sadly not enough to get you into the competition

Ianethe, I will give credit where credit is due you could not step away from the drama if your life depended on it, however I simply do not like you and you are also a rapist

the valkyries and gwynriel as a trio and duo would cause a lot of drama but alas this is not a group event

there you have it folks our three messiest bitches

3. rhysand

2. Hellion

and the one true messiest bitch in the acotar universe for the third year in a row

1. The suriel

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meher-sumedha · 3 years

Text

Gwynriel Headcanon : We'll Meet Again

(This may be the most depressing headcanon I have ever written so for fuck's sake, read at your own risk.)

It was Gwyn's birthday today. And she couldn't be more happy. All the girls from the inner circle had spent the day with Gwyn. Even Elain had come back from the day court to spend the day with Gwyn.

While she couldn't be more happier, she saw a glint of sadness in each of their eyes. Saw a glint of sadness in every person she met.

Even in Velaris, when she was strolling through the roads and they were at a mall, people looked at her with sad eyes. As if they pitied her.

But this wasn't pity exactly. The people had happy eyes but they still glistened with tears of sadness. She didn't know what was going on and she didn't ask.

She could ask some other day, right? And besides, she couldn't wait to see her mate tonight.

The bond had recently snapped for her and it was the best feeling in the whole world. Today Azriel was organizing a party for her. She knew he hated people, but she loved that he was doing so much for her. She loved him. Shit, she was gonna have to tell that to him tonight.

But the bat boys had said not to worry, that they'll handle the party and Gwyn should just enjoy her birthday. That is what worried her but she just went with it. She trusted them with her life, but handling a party was not their job.

And now, she was getting ready for the party. She was wearing a beautiful teal dress. Gifted to her by Azriel, and she couldn't be more happy. It was pretty revealing than her normal clothes, but she was happy nonetheless.

All the girls had gotten ready and now they were simply adding extra makeup and accessories to Gwyn. And when she was ready, they all quieted down for a bit. Just looking at Gwyn through the mirror.

Nesta broke the silence by sighing gratefully and everyone burst out into a laughter. Just before they were going to leave, Feyre called all of them in for a group hug. It was going to be one of Gwyn's most cherished memories, she just knew it. But that hug felt final. That this was there last hug.

But Gwyn didn't say anything, for she was more excited to see her mate. She was in the centre and all the other members of the inner circle surrounded her.

And as she was walking down the staircase, her gaze locked with her mate, Azriel, who was waiting for her at the foot of the stairs, in a black suit. Gods he was so handsome.

But she could care less about that. For she was far more interested in the way his eyes took her in, how they were filled with love. At some point, Gwyn might've felt overwhelmed because of his love for her, but not today. Not today.

And as soon as she reached the bottom of the stairs, Azriel froze. And she laughed at his nervousness. Cassian was furiously whispering in Azriel's ear to ask Gwyn for a dance, and Rhys wad violently patting Azriel's back.

At some moment, both of them literally pushed Azriel forward and he stumbled, and Gwyn giggled. Seeing Gwyn like this made his racing heart calm a bit, but he still couldn't get the words out.

So Gwyn asked her himself, "Care for a dance shadowsinger? ", and Azriel silently cursed himself, earning a soft chuckle from Gwyn before she extended her hand, and he took it.

They both went to the centre of the dancefloor. And Azriel was grinning from ear to ear seeing Gwyn blush. And he finally spoke the words he'd been dying to speak, "You look beautiful. "

And he could've sworn Gwyn's cheeks became even more redder. But she smiled, a smile that he would die to earn again. And so they danced, they danced and danced for hours, not saying a word. Just looking into each other's eyes and being happy in each other's company.

And she could've sworn that one by one, the inner circle slipped from the ballroom, leaving just her and Azriel alone.

But she didn't care about that, she was happy with the person standing in front of her, whom she loved more than herself. But then, the walls of the ballroom started disappearing. Little by little, even the roofs disappeared.

And Gwyn seemed alarmed, not knowing what was going on, not wanting to either. Azriel sensed her sadness and pulled her closer to him, their foreheads now resting against each other's. Gwyn closed her eyes and nervously asked, "Is this Rhys' magic?" Hoping the answer was yes, and not the thing she knew was happening.

A single tear left Azriel's eyes, and he too closed his eyes. With a broken voice he said, "No love" And they continued dancing, even without the music.

And when Gwyn opened her eyes after a few minutes, she saw Azriel was staring at her. She reached up to him for a kiss, a little one. But Azriel kissed her as if it was the end of the world, cause it was, for him it was.

And then he pulled away, smiling sadly at Gwyn. Gwyn then noticed his shadows had disappeared, so had his wings. She looked around nervously to see that the ground was brown now and that the night sky was fading.

"Gwyn" Azriel said, not leaving her, not letting even an inch of space be there between them. And realization hit Gwyn like a grenade. "No no no no no" She started sobbing against Azriel's forehead.

"Gwyn we don't have much time-", "Don't say that, don't say that don't you DARE say that Azriel."

"But it's the truth love" He said and tugged Gwyn's hair behind her ear. She realized this may be one of the last times he ever did that. "No no no no, please-please don't leave me." Gwyn repeated like a mantra, hoping it would stick, but it didn't.

"Gwyn I need to tell you something-", "Azriel NO, this is not the end-" She cups his cheeks, "Promise me you'll tell it to me tomorrow, promise me"

"You know I can't do that love. " He said and Gwyn started crying, really crying now. "No no no no no" She said and hugged him, resting her head on his chest now. "Gwyn" Azriel said, she could feel him fading away. "I love you" He said and his voice broke, "I love you too Azriel" Gwyn said against his chest, his body was fading away now and she pulled away to look at Azriel, cupping his cheeks once again, "Please don't leave me," "I'd never leave you love. Don't worry, I'll find you again in the next lifetime. It's okay love. It's okay" He said and Gwyn pressed her lips to his.

But she was a second too late, and he had already disappeared. "NO NO NO NO NO" Gwyn shouted and her knees buckled, she was now on the floor,all alone, crying, her head in her hands, she shouted and shouted for all of them to come back, but they didn't.

And when Gwyn looked up, she found herself in a jail. Hybern, she realized. And she then remembered that she had wanted a family so badly, that she had inserted herself as a character in one of the legends she had read. She knew it was fictional, she knew it wasn't real, and that is what scared her.

That all the love she had felt for those people, only to find out that they weren't real, they weren't real. But her love for them was, her love for them was.

She tried thinking that this was just a dream. That that was real and this jail was not. She banged on the jail's rails, shouting and shouting again, hoping someone would listen to her and come rescue her. For once, for once she just wanted to be the damsel who got rescued.

But she knew life was cruel and it was not going to be like that. Even though she had just lost her family, her mate in just a matter of seconds, she knew no one was going to come for her.

A/N : No comments. Just tell me your views on it. I did almost cry twice while writing this.

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write-r-die · 3 years

Text

Prisoner - Part 18

March 1067 - Norman Conquest of England

Masterlist

Sorry for the delay! I started a new job this week and I’m exhausted. This is pure crappy filler but shit’s about to get really real.

Anyway, here you go!

Thomasin woke first. Henry was curled against her back like a shell, one arm draped over her waist. She wanted to shut her eyes again and relax into his hold but she knew she wouldn’t be able to stay still no matter how hard she tried.

And she didn’t want to wake him, didn’t want to face the repercussions of all those things she said and done. She’d tried to hit him. He was so solid that the force of it probably wouldn’t even have turned his head but she was still ashamed of herself for resorting to violence, especially against someone she loved.

Cared for, she corrected herself. You care for him. That’s all.

That thought, that word, pushed aside whatever was left of her will to stay. She’d fallen asleep fully dressed, her shoes still on her feet, so she didn’t have to waste time or rummage around for things before slipping out.

Kal was sleeping on his side in the antechamber, legs stretched out. His massive body took up a sizeable portion of the room. Thomasin shut the bedroom door behind her, stirring him from sleep. He quickly lifted his head and shoulders to scan for a threat, but he was too exhausted to make the rest of his body move.

“Hush,” Thomasin said. She knelt beside him and rubbed his chest. “Go back to sleep.” He sighed through his nose and lay back down.

Thomasin made it all of three steps into the corridor before she and Etheldreda smashed into each other.

“Oh, milady!” the older woman said, clutching her chest. The basket of laundry in her arms had fallen to the ground, though she’d managed to keep her feet. “My apologies.”

“No, it’s my fault,” Thomasin said quickly. She knelt down to help Etheldreda gather the fallen clothing. “I wasn’t watching where I was going.” And she’d entirely forgotten that Etheldreda would be coming as she did every morning to help her dress.

“What are you doing out of bed, if I may ask?” the servant asked.

“I couldn’t sleep. I wanted to . . . to pray. In the chapel.” That sounded plausible enough.

She didn’t want to admit that she felt choked in that bedroom like the walls were closing in, how she felt in all small rooms. The same way she felt when she tried to run to freedom through that tunnel under her castle with all the others. But the walls had been too tight, the passage before her too dark, and she too cowardly to run.

“Oh,” Etheldreda said. “Should I still prepare your rooms?”

“No thank you. Henry is still asleep. I don’t want to disturb him.”

“Of course.”

Thomasin did consider going to the chapel to pray but the king would likely be there. Pious, pious William. That priest might be there, too. Thomasin didn’t trust herself not to make a scene if she saw him. He must have taken Cerdic’s final confession. Given him the last rites. Blessed his grave.

Furious tears stung at her eyes. She knew she shouldn’t be angry with a priest for doing his duty – she should be grateful someone was there to shepherd Cerdic and the others from this world to the next. The priest may be a Saxon himself. He may have suffered, too – may still be suffering under the Normans.

It didn’t matter. She needed to be angry at someone – preferably multiple someones – and she didn’t want to be angry with Henry anymore.

It was March now, and the relentless English winters were giving way to the island’s warped version of spring. It was misting outside as it always was, but Thomasin went to the gardens anyway.

She supposed she shouldn’t have been surprised when she came around a bend along the path and saw Mercia stomping around in a puddle of mud. She also shouldn’t be surprised there was no adult in sight.

“Good morning,” she called.

“G’morning!” Mercia waved briefly before returning her concentration to the mud.

“Where’s your mother?” Thomasin asked.

“One of the ladies gonna have baby soon so Mamma go see her.” She jumped up and down, kicking the mud up so high it splashed on her cherubic face and pale curls.

“Who’s meant to be taking care of you?”

“Stina,” the girl replied. Thomasin thought that must be short for Christina.

“Where is Stina?”

Mercia shrugged innocently but Thomasin was quite sure the little girl had run from her governess, who was no doubt scouring the castle for the child. She pulled Batty out from under her arm and tossed the doll into the muck. “She like mud, too.”

“I see.”

“You wanna play?” she asked. “Take off shoes. Mud feel funny.” She lifted a bare foot and wiggled her toes at Thomasin as if to show her.

“Not just now, but thank you.”

“When Simon coming home?” the little girl asked without looking up.

“I don’t know.” Thomasin swallowed. “You must miss him very much.”

She nodded. “Yeah. He my friend. And Mamma wants him be her special friend.”

“Oh really?”

“Yeah.” Mercia stopped kicking around. She looked up at Thomasin with a contemplative expression on her little face. “I not like you,” she said after a moment.

Thomasin was genuinely offended. She had only recently accepted the little hellion into her good graces; it was unthinkable that she be the one to reject Thomasin. “I beg your pardon?”

“You come back but not Simon and it make Mamma sad. Mamma loooooovve Simon.” She said the word with a blend of enthusiasm and disgust, as most children did.

“I believe you,” Thomasin replied.

“But she not say so yet cause she say a man gotta say so first when he ask to marry her. Ladies not supposed to say so first,” she said wisely. “Not like-lady.” Thomasin assumed the child meant to say ladylike.

“I think that’s very wise.”

“When Henry say he love you?” the girl asked, wiping her nose on the back of her wrist. Thomasin was stunned into silence, which alarmed Mercia. “He say so first, right?”

“Yes.”

“When you say?”

Thomasin took a deep breath and kicked off her shoes. “Make room in that puddle for me.”

***

Henry woke late. His eyes and body were heavy. Seeing Thomasin cry last night caused him great distress, which in turn led to exhaustion.

He took his time getting ready for the day. He washed his face, hands, hair, and neck with water from a bowl beside the bed and waited for it to dry on its own before he dressed. Perhaps he would take a bath later on. Help him clear his mind.

He did not question why she wasn’t in the chamber with him. She needed to grieve alone, away from her husband’s smothering love and devotion. It would only infuriate her more.

Then there was the matter of her hating him. Henry didn’t believe that for an instant but he didn’t know how long Thomasin planned to hide behind that statement.

Henry found Roger and Charlie practicing archery outside with a handful of other young knights. Their target was an apple balanced on the head of a squire due to be knighted soon; practicing their archery on him was a rite of passage among Henry’s circle. Their arrows had no metal head so they didn’t accidentally kill the poor boy. It still hurt like hell, though.

“Ah, Henry!” Roger called. He waved him over.

“Who’s winning?” he asked, sauntering over.

“Godfrey. He shot Guy in the shoulder and the thigh. Charlie got him in the stomach.”

Henry took the bow his brother offered him. “How are you faring, Guy?” he called out.

“Well enough,” the boy said, trying his best to sound sincere. “They’re at least letting me protect my eyes and my parts with my hands. They don’t always do that.”

“No, they don’t,” Henry agreed. “You know Charlie chipped a tooth when he did this. And Nik nearly got his balls blown off.” The arrow he shot landed in the grass near Guy’s feet. He was a terrible shot to begin with, but he didn’t want to hit the poor man. The memory of Thomasin’s injuries were too fresh.

He handed the bow off to Jarin, one of the nights who had assisted Thomasin after she was shot on the road.

“How are you?” Roger murmured to him.

“Well enough,” Henry said, rubbing the inside of his fingers with his thumb. It was a long time since he shot an arrow and he’d forgotten how unpleasant it was to do without the proper guards.

Roger rolled his dark eyes heavenward. “Oh, for heaven’s sake. Must I drag it out of you?”

Henry glanced around at the others; they were too absorbed in their game to eavesdrop. “Thomasin found out. She wept.” He shook his head. “I’ve never seen her weep before.”

Roger frowned. “I would be surprised if she didn’t. I’ll bet she slept well after that. You know my sister Bedelia loves weeping. Tries to do it at least twice a week.”

Henry looked horrified. “Why?”

His friend shrugged. “She says it makes her feel better. Sleep better, too.”

Some girls could conjure tears on a whim. Henry hoped Bedelia was that sort of girl; otherwise, she’d have to think about all sorts of awful things and get worked up before the tears came. Henry sincerely hoped Roger and Bedelia’s eldest sister, Piers’s wife, didn’t cry like that.

He thought of Thomasin’s tears again. She wasn’t the sort who could cry on command. Nor did she cry when it was perfectly warranted.

“Twice a week is too much,” Henry said. “Twice a month, I’d understand. I’d weep if I bled that much, too.” He muttered the last part under his breath.

“So, how’s Thomasin today?” he asked, accepting the bow from Charlie. “Any better?” His arrow whizzed past the left side of Guy’s face.

“Haven’t seen her. She left this morning before I woke.” Henry aimed far to the left and his blunt arrow hit a tree and bounced off. “She doesn’t want me to see her grieving.” He sighed and passed the bow along. “I wish Simon were here. He would know what to do. He’s always been good with women.”

“Speaking of Simon and women,” Charlie chimed in, “I think Elaine’s ready to go fetch him and drag him back here herself.”

“We’ll have to find you a pretty Saxon woman next, Charlie,” Roger joked. Charlie cast him a glare almost identical to Thomasin’s. Roger and Henry were in stitches at that.

Charlie waited long enough for the laughter to turn to coughing before he spoke again. “I’d rather have you pull my teeth out.”

***

It was late afternoon when Thomasin came back to the rooms she shared with Henry. She kicked around in the mud with Mercia for a while before the girl’s governess found her and retrieved her. She gave Thomasin a good talking-to, calling her a bad influence on the child. She’d spent the rest of the day praying for Cerdic and the others on a stone bench in the gardens.

Henry was in a copper tub set before the fire, viciously scouring his scalp with his fingernails and a bar of soap. Kal dozed on the bed, his eyes half-open.

Henry knew Thomasin was there, even though his back was to the door, but he wouldn’t be the one to break the silence.

“I should not have said those things to you,” Thomasin said, looking anywhere but at Henry. She should probably add something else, something heartfelt, but nothing came to mind. “Will you forgive me?”

Henry leaned back in the tub and turned his head to see his wife. “Come here.” Thomasin shucked off her clothes and climbed into the tub, where Henry pulled her into his lap. He pressed her back against his chest and wound his arms around her waist. “I forgive you,” he murmured, holding her tight against him.

“You shouldn’t,” she muttered.

“But I do.” He brushed her hair away from her neck so he could kiss her neck.

Silence hung thick in the air. Say something, you fool! Thomasin screamed to herself. She groped for some sort of sentiment to express. “I don’t know what I would do without you.”

Henry sighed through his nose. He wasn’t disappointed, Thomasin knew, but he had wanted her to say something more.

She swallowed hard and apologized again. “I’m sorry.”

Henry let his hands roam over her body. “No more talk.”

***

Thomasin and her husband lay side by side in bed, their clothes strewn in clumps across the floor and their naked bodies glazed in perspiration.

“Lawrence said something to me,” she said thoughtfully.

Henry was ready to attack at the mention of his name. “What did he say?”

“He said that Roger prefers men to women.”

Roger’s proclivities were something of an open secret, but it was never discussed. He never volunteered any information, and his friends never asked for it. The church condemned homosexuality as unnatural and unforgivable, an affront to God. None of Roger’s friends condemned him, though. Those who knew and were disgusted didn’t spend time around him; they shunned him utterly. His family – the few members that suspected – pretended not to know.

“Don’t most men prefer other men, though?” asked Thomasin. “I am a woman and I prefer the company of other women. You are a man and you keep company with other men.”

“What exactly did Lawrence say?”

She didn’t want to tell him. She knew how he would react. “I asked him about what he did to that nobleman’s wife and daughters. This was when we were betrothed, you see, so I was within my rights to ask.” No woman had the right to ask that of a man, especially of Lawrence, but Thomasin had never let formalities stop her. “We discussed . . . Well, we agreed that soldiers often do terrible things to women during war.”

Anger flickered in Henry’s blue eyes. Lawrence had discussed rape with a woman? The fact that it was Thomasin was almost irrelevant; men simply did not speak of such things in the presence of a lady. It was deplorable. Vile.

Thomasin continued before he had a chance to truly react. “And I said that you and your brothers had never done such a thing and neither had Roger.”

That softened Henry a bit. Not only did she have complete faith in him and his family, but she defended them to others.

“What did Lawrence say?”

“He said that the men in your family were an anomaly – that it was unusual for soldiers not to . . . He said that Roger’s perversion swayed him from women to men, but I don’t know what that means.”

Henry sighed. Thomasin would figure it out eventually – sooner rather than later, he wagered – so why not tell her? “Lawrence meant that Roger is not drawn to women. That he takes men to his bed instead.”

Henry waited quietly for Tom’s reaction. Some vomited at the thought of two men together like that, but Henry didn’t think she would.

She was thinking very hard. “How . . . how does that – does it – do they – that is . . . Is it even possible for them to be together like husband and wife?”

“What do you mean?”

“They haven’t . . . they haven’t got the proper parts for it.”

Henry threw his head back and laughed.

“Why is that funny?”

He shook his head, still grinning.

“Aren’t you going to explain it to me?” she prompted.

“No.”

“Henry, that’s monstrously unfair of you. Husbands are meant to instruct their wives on the way of the world.”

“Not that way of the world.” He gave her a peck. “If you can guess how it’s done, I’ll tell you whether or not you’re right.”

“I’m not imaginative enough for that.” Thomasin frowned. “Will you at least give me a hint?”

Henry laughed again.

***

It was an ungodly hour. Everyone in the castle was asleep. Even the few guards posted in the halls and the entryways were nodding off. They woke to the sound of thundering horses and men’s shouts.

“Help us!”

The men were on their feet in an instant, spears raised. “Who goes there?!” one hollered into the darkness.

It was a moment before nine horses, each with two men on its back, came into view.

It was hard to see precisely what condition they were in as it was so dark, but it was clear the riders were in a bad way.

Three were slung over their horses like corpses, the men in the saddle behind each of them were at least partially armed, though only one of them looked entirely awake. On the other horses, where both men were well enough to sit up, their waists were tied together with thick cord; in case one of the riders lost consciousness, the other’s weight would keep him from falling.

“Help us!” another man shouted. “In the name of King William the Conqueror, help us!”

They were Normans, then. Half the guards rushed down to help the men as the others raised the alarm.

The chief guard was horrified when he was close enough to really see the men. They looked half-dead. One was missing an arm; another was slashed across the face starting deep in his now-empty eye socket and ending at his mangled ear. The weakest man, the one strewn across the first man’s lap, was too covered in bandages and blood for the guard to be sure he was still breathing.”

“Fetch every healer you can find,” the knight behind the dying man said. “Tell the king that Simon Cavill is here. And he’s gravely wounded.”

_________________________________________________________

Medieval Fun fact: William the Conquerer’s son William II is widely believed to have been gay.

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witching-by-the-willow · 3 years

Text

Right! So now that I've somewhat collected and organised my thoughts about ACOTAR, here we go:

First of all, I feel like this is one of those books where the plot is not the highlight, at least for me (that's not a bad thing at all), and is honestly starting to fade from my mind already (I almost never forget plots, but then again, I've also never binged a whole series in a week 🙃) I went into it looking for some steamy romance, not a whole lot of brainstorming, and a relatively easy-to-follow plot and world. That's exactly what I got.

I'm breaking this into 3 parts: the ACOTAR Trilogy, the ACOFAS novella, and then ACOSF.

This can get long, so I'm gonna put a wee cut here.

The ACOTAR trilogy

I don't really have much to say here, actually...I had a good time with it and finished the trilogy in 4 days.

I liked ACOWAR (4 stars) the most, ACOTAR (3 stars) the least and ACOMAF is in the middle (3.5 stars). (For reference, I take 3 stars as "fine"/ a good time but no strong feelings.)

I have heard this before while I was looking up reviews of this series, and I agree that SJM is very upfront with which characters you should like, and I feel like if you don't love them, the series will fall flat. I, for one, liked Feyre throughout these 3 books, but didn't blindly love her, so there were many points where I was annoyed at everybody worshipping her and Rhys, even when they were in the wrong. But I did enjoy her character overall.

I knew what was going to happen with Tamlin, so I didn't really bother getting attached, but Rhysand intrigued me in book 1, then I didn't like him much for most of book 2, but liked him in book 3.

I liked Lucien as well! He has some sassy one-liners and when have I not loved that?

The inner circle seemed cool to me until ACOSF (except Azriel, I liked him all throughout but even more after it)....but also, does anyone in the IC ever question anything Rhys does? Because that sounds like a recipe for disaster to me. These people need to get their heads out of Feysand's asses, if they're going to have any actual debate.

Nesta extracting revenge in the cauldron, like the queen she is. Like, go Nesta, pillage death! 😌 (oh god did I just quote Rhys?)

I loved the moments between Nessian in ACOMAF and ACOWAR.

I never want to see the words 'velvet' and 'steel' in the same sentence again, or I will lose my mind. Also goes for "bowels loosening" or some shit. It might sound sensual to SJM but to me, it sounds like Diarrhoea.

I'm sorry, but I literally cannot take the Cauldron seriously...the fact that they worship a magical pot is just hilarious to me.

ACOFAS

Now, I know a big part of the fandom didn't like this book, but I actually did. I'd say 3.75 stars. It's probably because I didn't read this series for the plot to begin with, so I didn't really care that it was altogether absent here.

I still liked Feysand at this point (this wasn't going to last long...), but I was still annoyed at Feyre for making Nesta attend the party, and then doing nothing about everyone ignoring her. Like, what was she trying to achieve with this?

I really wish they hadn't brought up Rhys' parents age-gap as a justification of the one between Feysand. It just wasn't needed, and was a little weird that we needed to be told this.

I really felt for Nesta in this book. She was my favourite Archeron from the get-go. Listen, I almost always get protective over traumatised women with terrible coping mechanisms, and who push people away. I still think she and Elain were way too passive while Feyre was out hunting to feed the family, but I think Nesta gets WAY more hatred than Elain.

And about her, I low-key forgot Elain and Tamlin existed. It's not that I hate Elain, it's just that she isn't fleshed out as a character. She's just there (other than the stabbing scene, of course..that was cool). I really hope she gets some sort of arc in the upcoming books. And Tamlin, well... I'm just tired of him at this point.

And yes, like most people, I too am irked by Rhys climaxing to an image of his unborn son. A part of me is aware it's more because he is thrilled by PROSECT of having a child, but it's still weird.

I like that the bat boys have snowball fights and I want more of that!

ACOSF

Now, this. This one I have quite a few things to say about. I liked it a lot, and I'd give it 4 stars if I had to rate it.

How ironic that my favourite book in the series is also the one that made me SO angry at many characters.

I'll start with things I hated, and then move on to things I loved to hopefully end it on a positive note.

*takes a deep breath* okay, let's go.

First off, Feysand really pulled a Tamlin in my eyes. I hated them here.

Rhysand hiding the death-sentence part of her pregnancy from Feyre? Excuse me, I thought he was a self-proclaimed Feminist? Oh right, his feminism is highly selective.

And then Feyre just moves over it so quickly? Why isn't she more pissed? 🤯

And the Suicide pact...(Feyre is what? 22? And what about the court? Or their son? Does nothing else matter?) I can't even get myself to believe that SJM thought it was romantic. It's co-dependant and nothing else. I'll leave this here, because I can write a whole essay on this topic and this post is already long enough.

And the IC. Oh, god..where do I start? They feel entitled to make decisions FOR people and then try to justify it? And Feyre defends this? Honestly, Nesta was right to be pissed. And as terrible as it was for Feyre, when she found out that the IC had made a decision for her without her knowing, just like she was a part of doing for Nesta, I felt truly sorry for her, because no one should have to go though that, but a part of me was also couldn't help but see that she basically got a taste of her medicine.

Rhys told Cassian to get Nesta out so he doesn't kill her? He does realise he wouldn't be able to even if he tried, and that with the power she had at the time, she could end him on her worst day, right?

And Feyre, I thought she wanted to do whatever she could for the people who had suffered during the war, but somehow can't find anything to do for them (rehabilitating people, for example?) with one of her and Rhys' FIVE houses? I wouldn't have minded this so much if only SJM hadn't painted Feysand as the most charitable people alive when they don't do shit where it matters.

Also, how do they make money in this world?

And Cassian, I liked him later in the story, but initially I was so annoyed at him for defending Rhys when he was clearly being terrible. (This is what meant when I said the IC needs to get their heads out of Feysand's asses.)

The way the IC shames Nesta is just abhorrent. Like, these people have been alive for 500+ years and still don't know how to treat a person who is very clearly in depression.

And Nesta fucking Archeron apologising ON HER KNEES? To Amren?! What was that? I'm choosing to erase that part from my memory.

Okay, Rant over. Now onto the stuff I liked.

The Valkyries. Gwyn, Emerie and Nesta have my whole heart. I love them so much.

The Valkyries>>>>>the IC, and that is a fact.

The blood rite and the Valkyries coming together was a great scene. Emerie and Gwyn's stories hurt my heart.

The sleepover and the friendship bracelets! ❤️

Nessian. I don't think I need to say more. I really liked them after Cassian started calling Rhys out for shit-talking Nesta. I like them way more than I ever liked Feysand, just because I feel like they don't idolise each other to ridiculous degrees. They keep it real.

The smut definitely improved. I've still read better, but it's a leap from the torture that was the trilogy.

Also, while I love Nessian, I just want to say that Nesta and Eris Vanserra would have taken over the Fae world if they had come together. Not that I wanted them to, but I'm just pointing out how badass it could be.

The friendship between Azriel and Nesta. I didn't know I needed it, but I did. Again, I like this friendship more than Cassian and Feyre, because they don't idolise each other. They're two people who've been outcasts and understand what it's like, and found comradery with each other. And his gift was so considerate!

Azriel the chaperone. Poor guy. 😂

So yeah, Az is my favourite bat-boy.

Helion being Sellyn Drake was the best reveal in this entire series. I really do wish he gets Lady Autumn back, because their story is making me sad...

Now, I could see why people shipped Elriel in books 1 and 2, but after ACOSF, I NEED Gwynriel to happen. They could very possibly become my favourite ACOTAR couple, if it happens.

I have conflicting opinions on Nesta giving up her powers to save Feysand. On one hand, I do think they were eating her alive and she was tired and didn't want them. But on the other hand, I feel like she gave them up without ever understanding what she could do with them...? It just feels like SJM took the easy way out with this plotline instead of exploring Nesta's powers. Because let's be honest, ACOSF was a very VERY long book and this exploration was quite possible at the expense of a little less smut. Just saying.

Rhysand kneeling and bowing to Nesta was the one good thing he did in this book.

The house reads and recommends smut. I stan.

OKAY I'M DONE! (I think...for now.)

If you read this all the way...Wow. Much respect to you.

Anyway, as of now, the only characters I actually like are Nesta, Gwyn, Emerie, Azriel, Cassian, Lucien and the House. I don't really care about anyone else.

So those were my thoughts that absolutely nobody asked for, but here we are.

I'd love to hear everybody else's opinions!

#niki reads #acotar #acosf #acowar #acomaf #acofas #books and reading #a court of thorns and roses #a court of mist and fury #a court of wings and ruin #a court of frost and starlight #a court of silver flames #sarah j maas

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moononastring · 3 years

Note

hello, my darling,

today I found out that a friend of mine from school has read acotar, which was very exciting news for me, since I didn’t know any people in real life who liked these books, and while we were conversing, i broached the subject of elain’s love interests.

unfortunately, she is an el/riel.

She has yet to read ACOFAS and ACOSF, but still, my instincts are pushing me to gather evidence to prove to her of what the superior ship: Elucien.

If you could be ever so kind to help me convince my dearest friend that elucien is everything good in the world, i’d be most grateful.

therefore, if you could link posts from yours or other blogs or even make a list of why elucien is what we all deserve, you’d make a loving follower very happy.

Sincerely, 🧃anon

(See what i did there??? All formal and shit??? I’m proud of myself!!! ‘m not gonna lie to you!!! It reads very funny and i love it!!!)

My dearest 🧃'nonnie!!!

Sorry it took me a hot minute to reply!

To be honest, I want to give you a piece of advice (and know I mean this in the most loving way) but...let your friend ship them lol. After all, it's what fandom is about, no? I personally don't like trying to convince anyone of anything when it comes to shipping. I legitimately don't give a rat's ass if you ship what I ship or not just don't be mean lol!!!!! There's nothing wrong with her shipping the ship that shall not be named even though I hate that ship with a burning passion.

My issue has never been so deeply with the ship itself (like yeah, they had their moments here and there and prior to Azriel's POV I can see why people liked it) but I did not like it regardless because to me, Elucien just always made more sense. And I don't like a ship that has to be at the expense of another character. My issue is certain shippers that just forget canon and decide they are correct and nothing else matters lmao.

However, I do not like to shove my ship down anyone's throat. I’m just very clear about who I ship and what I don't lol.

She hasn't read ACOFAS (which will give her fuel lol even though I personally have always read it as Elain being a cheeky friend elain, azriel, and lucien could've had such a great friendship but that was ruined and i'm still bitter about it.) and especially when she reads ACOSF and his bonus POV, she might no longer like them? I know a lot of shippers jumped ship after Gwyn came into the picture. Azriel being super gross about his thought process regarding Elain in his POV also made people uncomfortable enough to stop shipping. Said it once and I'll say it again, there was nothing romantic about the way he was thinking about her in his POV but whateverrrrrrrr. I say...when she reads ACOSF, she will end up changing her mind on her own because the potential of Gwynriel (plus Azriel's being disgusting in his POV) has changed a lot of minds haha.

Let her ship it and discover Elucien goodness for herself! It's more fun that way to suddenly be hit on the head with feels for an unexpected ship haha. As long as she doesn't become an asshole shipping that ship like some people end up being, I say ship and let ship. You can casually share elucien fanart and fanfics to her and be like look!!! cute stuff!!! 🤣 My blog is a plethora of elucien content girl! send her here haha! There are so many great blogs that always have elucien content so if anything...you can always casually slip links hehehehe.

Don't worry too much about the shipping and enjoy talking about the series with her!!! I know it seems like that's all ACOTAR is ever reduced to but it's such a fun series to enjoy so have fun talking about it with her, shipping aside!

#elucien #asks #'nonnie #🧃'nonnie #your formality was hilarious #ily bby <3

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hottie0 · 3 years

Text

k so i had an idea for a chameron ao3 series of all the fics being conan gray songs but i got lazy and only wrote 1.5 stories for it so because i’m not acc gonna do it imma share the ideas i had cuz someone might find them useful so (btw these will be copied directly from notes the first time i wrote them, they can also be used for other ships if u want but i made them for chameron):

grow: a year after hs cam and charlie run into eachother in vermont and then u see a bunch of flashbacks of old nights and things at welton. they exchange numbers at the end or smth. (i did this one)

idle town: charlie can’t sleep at his new school. he reminisces and whatever. a little more focused on cam. he looks over at the other side of the room but cam isn’t there anymore. instead it’s his new roommate who he doesn’t even know the last name of. end it somehow.

generation why: pre-canon cam and charlie just talking on the roof. banter. romantics ensue on cams behalf. charlie doesn’t feel the same way. that’s why charlie treats him the way he does.

crush culture: charlie pining after cam. a bunch of little things cam does to push charlie over the edge. charlie talks to neil and neil says cam likes him too. he doesn’t. charlie kisses cam one night while studying and cam rejects him and they argue. this is the night of neils death. that’s why cam didn’t find out through charlie and everything hurt a little bit more than it should’ve.

greek god: cameron’s being made fun of all the time by charlie and he knows charlie likes him and idk tbh this one got deleted and idk what i had written

lookalike: pre-neils death cam and charlie dated in their time at welton then broke up which caused tension going into senior year. the dead poets knew. when the dps started charlie got a gf and wouldn’t stop talking about her. her name was elaine. he brought her to a meeting and she looks just like cam. damn.

the other side: falling out of love. the process.

the king: cameron accidentally reads a poem charlie had written for/about him. he stresses all day and acts weird. everyone else is like ??? at night cam decides f it and confronts him. it ends cute

comfort crowd: night time. tomorrow morning charlie was meant to leave welton so all his stuff was packed up. hed already punched cam so it was tense. to say the least. cam randomly gets up out of bed and charlie is like wtf?? cam fuddles around then he’s like “u coming” they go to the cave and have a meaningful talk and if they end up cuddling then that’s their business

wish you were sober: charlie and cameron get drunk in their dorm. cam can’t hold his alcohol well so he gets wayy more drunk. he tells charlie some personal shit. some of which includes the fact that he used to have feelings for charlie. charlie has feelings for cam. he’s sad and sends cam to bed.

maniac: short one. they’re at the same bar a few years later. not with eachother but cam knows charlie’s there. charlie is talking shit abt cam and calling him weird and blah blah. but just that night, charlie had called cam desperate after years. cam thinks abt everything. he gets up and leaves but doesn’t leave w/o saying a big ol’ f u to charlie. this ones so mean to charlie. sucks. anyways.

online love): they’re doing long distance because charlie got expelled. they break up over the phone. aw. make it depressing. maybe by them being interrupted before rly saying goodbye and shii.

checkmate: they’re playing chess idk i couldn’t think of anything better. just cute and fluffy cuz i say so.

the cut that always bleeds: cameron is in a problematic relationship w a girl he met at uni. they just went through one of their fight episodes. cam went back to his room but he needed company. he decides to go to charlie’s dorm for comfort. but they haven’t spoke since that evening years ago. charlie says “i thought i’d never see you again” yadda yadda cam tells charlie everything and they just hold eachother. the gf is like “plz take me back” so cam does and he never sees charlie ever again. cry abt it.

fight or flight: charlie has a gf but little does he know she’s cheating on him. he ends up catching her with her side piece in their apartment. it’s cameron. there’s a whole wtf moment and the gf is like “u two know eachother???”. cams like “i swear i didn’t know” the girl leaves but cam stays. they argue or whatever or just talk not sure yet. then they kiss and charlie says something dumb and it ends. also cameron is hot as shit in this btw.

affluenza: probs short. when charlie is getting ready to leave cam is like “so money can’t buy happiness” and charlie’s like tf did u say to me. they talk abt where charlie’s going and whatnot and money. “i can’t do the things you do charlie, don’t you get anything” charlie leaves feeling a bit more guilty.

(can we be friends?): cam and charlie’s life growing up together. cute moments of them falling for the other. “now charlie knows why he and cameron could never be friends.”

heather: charlie and knox are together. cameron likes charlie. one night charlie is drunk and it’s just cam and him in the dorm. charlie ends up kissing cameron as a joke and cameron doesn’t know. there’s a fic like this. after the kiss it’s never the same. knox doesn’t know what happened. cameron has to watch them be all buddy buddy and shit- even if they’re not out to the rest of the group, cam knows. cameron knows not to interfere with their relationship no matter how much he wants to. he chooses to sit and watch and keep all his feelings inside.

little league: charlie stops by a cafe one night because he has nothing else to do. it turns out it’s open mic night. someone gets up to read. that someone is cameron. cameron performs a poem called little league. charlie remembers things. he leaves before the poem is over. /OR/ Cameron is an adult, he's a doctor or smth bouj, he has a family, a house, the embodiment of the american middle aged straight white man dream life. But sometimes, in secret, he takes Welton's Yearbook out of the shelf, and he traces Charlie face, and he remembers.

the story: cameron and charlie are late-night swimming in the lake together. they’re fantasizing abt whatever and charlie says “we should run away” they continue the convo like they did the others. a few days later charlie brings it up again, seriously this time. “what? dalton are you on something?” no. they get into an argument and shit. about a week later cameron wakes up to charlie sneaking out, but this isn’t sneaking out like dps meeting sneaking out, he’s running away. cam: “charlie? what are you doing up?” charlie: “this is your last chance. you coming?” cam: *thinks* no.

fake: ratting on keating and more angsty mess

overdrive: first kiss moment. they’re meant to be studying but they got distracted and are just talking instead. charlie’s like “cam have u ever kissed sum1” cam: “i think u know the answer to that dalton” charlie: “do you want to” cam: “ha! that’s a laugh! who can i find within a mile of here that i could kiss” charlie: me. whole carpe diem whatever- “charlie are you kidding do you know what would happen if someone found out!?” “so i won’t let them” but they kiss and it’s cute

astronomy: au: cam never ratted out keating but neil still died but just that whole thing never happened. ok. ever since neil died both cam and char were different. their relationship was tense. before it had been perf and everyone was envious of them but after neil everything changed. cameron was more agressive and easily irritable. charlie was more reserved and quiet. they tried to fix it but they decided it would be best to split. they still saw eachother in hallways and stuff, but were no longer roommates. after a couple months, they were strangers.

people watching: a view on the cameron/charlie relationship from other people. they’re opposites obv. when ppl were first informed they were taken aback to say the least. but when they see how they are together they get it yk? yeah u do.

ur welcome for my genius guys u need it.

#chameron #dead poets society #dps boys #charlie dalton #richard cameron

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ncssian · 3 years

Text

A Favor: Part Seventeen

Nessian Modern AU

Masterlist

a/n: 70% of this fic is written on my phone lying on my side in bed while using swipe typing bc im too lazy to type out words and it shows

TW: discussion of SA

***

Nesta has an easier time adjusting to a third person in the cabin than she thought she would. Maybe it’s because Azriel indeed minds his business, and half the time Nesta isn’t aware he’s there at all.

Cassian seems to be more irritated by it than anyone else—not his brother, of course, but the fact that he and Nesta no longer exist in their own little bubble. Which is how he ends up at Nesta’s apartment with an overnight bag, sprawled out stomach-down on her mattress while she gets ready for bed.

“TV show or movie?” he asks, clicking through her laptop. Shows are Nesta’s thing and movies are Cassian’s; she feels generous enough tonight to say, “Movie.”

“Thank god,” he mutters, typing something on the laptop. “There’s a Turkish horror flick that I was saving for you.”

“Where do you even find these films?” Grabbing her hairbrush, she flops onto the bed beside him and starts brushing out her brassy locks. Before he can answer, Nesta’s phone buzzes from the stool she uses as a bedside table. Feyre’s name flashes on the screen.

Nesta frowns, but picks up without a second thought. “What is it?”

“Nothing serious,” her sister replies. “Just checking in.”

Before Cassian, Nesta didn’t very much understand the purpose of “checking in” without reason. Now she empathizes with Feyre a little. “I’m fine,” she says.

Deciding she can do better than that, she adds, “Cassian and I are about to start a movie.”

“Is it his choice? I’m so sorry for you.”

Nesta peeks over to where Cassian is still intently searching for his obscure movie and smiles a little. “I like Turkish horror,” she replies.

Cassian overhears and grins approvingly.

“Well, I’m looking at wedding dresses with Rhys so he can prepare for when he inevitably proposes,” Feyre says. “In case you wanted to know.”

Nesta did not particularly want to know, but she doesn’t say this. “Sounds fun. Is that it?”

“For what?”

“This conversation.”

Feyre sighs over the line. “Yes, I’ll let you go now. Thanks for picking up.”

The bar is in hell, Nesta thinks. Mostly because she put it there, but she still feels embarrassed to be congratulated over such small things. “Thanks for keeping it short.”

She’s about to hang up when she hears a male voice speak up in the background, and Feyre interrupts, “Wait—before you go, can you tell Cassian to call Rhys back? He wants Cass’s help picking a new team leader for the Italy project.”

Nesta has no idea what that is, but she says, “Sure, fine.” They say their goodbyes and hang up.

“What’d she want?” Cassian says without looking over at her.

“She said Rhys wants you to call him about the Italy project.”

Cassian turns toward her, half sitting up. “Really? What for?”

“Something about picking a team leader.” She returns to brushing her hair. “Why? What’s the Italy project?”

“Something I thought we put aside for good,” he grumbles. “It’s a year-long overseas project in Milan. Rhys thinks it’s gonna bring in a shit ton of money.”

“Sounds big. What do you have to do with it, though?” She’s never heard of Cassian being involved in Night Court’s international operations, even though he takes on more work than the usual employee.

Cassian shrugs, going back to movie searching. “He wanted me to be the one leading the team, and I guess he still feels petty about me turning him down. Honestly, choosing team leaders outside of my department isn’t even part of my jurisdiction.”

Nesta hesitates. “He offered you the job? When?” She didn’t know this.

“On New Year’s.”

“And you turned it down?”

“Yeah.” Cassian clicks on a link that looks like it’ll plant fifteen different viruses in Nesta’s laptop. “Found the movie,” he says.

“Why would you do that?” Nesta demands.

“The movie?”

“The job offer! Why would you turn down such a big opportunity without even telling me?”

Cassian laughs in confusion. “Are you angry right now?”

She’s astonished at his nonchalance. “Cassian,” she says. “It’s Italy.”

Italy with the art and history and seaside beauty—it’s on their top five places to see before they die.

“It’s Milan,” he says like there’s a difference, “and it’s an entire year away from you.” He shakes his head, sitting up to face her. “Are you out of your mind?”

She goes still. “Don’t tell me you said no because of me.”

“Of course I said no because of you.”

“It’s your dream job!” she bursts. “Traveling, exploring, being on your own—”

“Those are our dreams. I made those plans with you. The hell am I supposed to do all the way in Italy without you?”

“You sound codependent,” she retorts.

He narrows his brows. “Like you wouldn’t do the same thing in my position?”

He’s right, of course. Nesta would do the exact same thing for him. But Nesta and Cassian are not the same, and they both know it. “You can’t make that comparison,” she sighs.

“Why not?” he demands.

“Because—” She struggles to put it into words. “I would give up a long distance job for you because it would be worth it. You’re worth it. It doesn’t work the other way around.”

“Again: why the fuck not?”

So he’s really going to make her spell it out. “Because you’re a good boyfriend. You’re affectionate and caring, you always go the extra mile for those you love, and you come with all these free perks. It’s a great deal. And I’m not anything terrible, but I’m the bare minimum compared to you. Why would you give up Italy for the bare minimum?”

Cassian looks at her in disbelief. “I don’t even know how you can say so many wrong things in a row.”

“He’s blinded by love,” Nesta mutters to herself.

“First of all,” he holds up a finger, “I don’t know where you learned to compare yourself to me, but I don’t like it. You make it sound like I need to be paid back for every half-decent thing I do, and that is not the case at all.”

“Of course you think that,” she says. “You wouldn’t be a good person if you didn’t.”

“Then let me be a blunt person.” He puts a hand on her knee and looks her in the eye. “You will never be like me. Very few people are; you can’t take it personally.”

“Oh my god.” Her eyes might roll out of her head.

“But you’re not the bare minimum. Not even close.” He states it like an undeniable fact.

“How so?” she challenges.

“Like how Elain told me about this boy who broke her heart in her high school, and how the next day he walked into class in a leg cast. And how she just knew you had something to do with it, and you two had a huge fight about it that lasted a week.”

Nesta does not enjoy that memory being brought up. Elain called her a psychopath for the incident, and to save her feelings, Nesta (rather unconvincingly) said it had been an accident.

“I didn’t push anybody into a creek,” she maintains the lie. “Sometimes people just fall down there.”

“To be fair, you’re a lot more stable now than you were then. Now when people hurt those you care about, you find sneakier ways to hurt them back. Don’t you?”

“I do not,” Nesta defends.

“Really? Because Eris texted me earlier saying you’ve been ignoring him since New Year’s, and he’s starting to get worried that you have something heinous planned for him. I asked him why he would ever think such a thing of you.” Cassian leans forward and rests his chin on her shoulder. “Why would he think such a thing of you, Nesta?”

Cassian looks pretty well off from here, doesn’t he? She remembers Eris’s smug face. Did you know Rhysand’s parents found him sleeping in the streets?

“Because he said a bad thing,” Nesta says, looking down at her fingernails. “And I have an unfortunate reputation at school for getting back at people who say bad things.” Like the time Brian O’Connell made jokes about a rape trial the class was studying, and then couldn’t find an internship at a single firm the following summer.

“And what did he say? Because I can’t imagine he would directly insult you. He actually likes you, ass that he is.” His face is warm so close to her neck.

She looks away. “I won’t repeat it.”

That seems to be all Cassian needs to get an idea of what Eris said. “And how long are you planning on holding it against him?”

“Forever.”

“That’s what I thought.”

Nesta meets the eyes that haven’t left her face this entire time and snorts. “What’s your point?” Seriously, she’s starting to redden at how close he is.

He buries his face in her neck, his stubble rasping against the sensitive skin there. “The point is that you also do a lot for the people you love. Just in a different way.” He pulls away to look her in the eye. “Don’t do anything to Eris, though,” he says. “Not that I care for him or his shit opinions, but whatever you have planned isn’t worth it.”

Nesta wants to scoff in disbelief at the sincerity on Cassian’s face. He’s always choosing kindness, even at the worst moments. “So that’s your argument?” she says. “You won’t go to Italy because your girlfriend has a bad temper and a taste for revenge?”

“That’s my final argument, Your Honor.” He takes her hand. “Forget Milan, will you? One day I’ll take you to Portofino.”

The longer Nesta knows Cassian, the more she finds it useless to hide from him. Which is why she lets him watch the thoughts flit across her face as she considers his words, deciding whether she believes him. Deciding whether he’s right to give her so much devotion.

“Fine,” she finally says. “You’re right.”

A slow smile spreads across his face as he realizes he won. Wrapping his arms around Nesta’s waist and legs, he hauls her into his lap and shifts around until they’re both comfortable. The movie is forgotten for now.

“Out of curiosity…” He noses at the nape of her neck. “What did Eris say about me to make you so angry?”

When Nesta doesn’t answer, he says, “I’ve already heard everything that could possibly be said. The shit that used to get me when I was eighteen doesn’t have the same hold on me a decade later.”

She lets herself relax into his hold. “It was about the time you spent as an orphan.” Technically, he’s still an orphan, but it was different back then. “I didn’t like the tone of his voice.”

Cassian’s answering hum is a low rumble against her shirt. “Did you know my biological father was from Italy?”

Nesta perks up at that. “No.” She assumed he was entirely Algerian, even though he and Azriel probably look ethnically ambiguous to most. “Isn’t that all the more reason to see Italy someday?”

“Not at all,” he says. “If I could pretend that half of me didn’t exist, I would.”

She can’t think of a response that doesn’t involve a question, so she doesn’t reply. She waits for Cassian to speak on his own terms.

“I went to Italy once,” he admits. “For less than a day while my brothers were partying in Monte Carlo. I was young and stupid, and thought I would never be complete if I didn’t know who my father was.”

“Who was he?” She doesn’t know why she’s whispering.

“No one worth remembering,” Cassian says, his arms unconsciously tightening around her. “I put some dots together and realized how he and my mother must have met, how he must’ve—forced himself on her, and I decided that I didn’t care about bloodlines at all. I never returned to Italy after that.”

Nesta’s hands want to reach out and touch him, soothe him. But her muscles are suddenly very cold, and she can only stiffen. “And what about now? Do you… not want to go back?”

“It’s just a place to me,” he says. “Nothing special, nothing terrible. But I like the way it sounds when you talk about it.” His eyes sparkle. “I’d like to pretend it’s my first time going with you.”

“Alright, then.” She nods. “One day, we’ll go together. It’ll be our first time.”

***

Cassian refuses to let Nesta leave bed the next morning, dragging his heavy mouth across her body whenever she tries to get up. She’s about to surrender to him altogether when her phone starts vibrating loudly, insistently.

Breaking away from Cassian’s attempt at cuddling, she answers without checking the caller ID. “Yes?” she croaks sleepily.

“Where the hell have you been?” Emerie demands.

Nesta shoves Cassian away despite his protests, untangling her legs from the sheets. “At home,” she says, getting out of bed and heading for the bathroom. “Am I supposed to be somewhere else?”

“We haven’t seen you in two weeks,” Emerie says. “Gwyn thought your boyfriend’s weird family killed you.”

“That’s not what happened,” Nesta assures, pulling her shorts down and sitting on the toilet. “I just needed some alone time.” People are all around her these days, it seems. Her body still can’t quite adjust to it.

“Well, have you had enough—are you peeing?”

“Yeah.” She wipes and flushes the toilet.

“Well, clear your day and kick your sorry boyfriend out of your place. I can’t remember the last time I went out.”

“Why does everybody always want to go out?” Nesta says as she washes her hands. “What’s wrong with staying in, being safe, never leaving the house?” She dries her hands on a towel and returns to the bedroom, where Cassian is now sitting up and checking his emails.

“You’re preaching to the choir, but this actually wasn’t my idea,” Emerie says.

Nesta and Cassian alert at the sound of a knock from the front door. Nesta never has uninvited guests.

“Hold on a second, Em,” she says, jogging up the short set of steps to the door. She opens it to the sight of an exasperated-looking Gwyn.

“Jeez, next time send a text that you’re alive, will you?” Gwyn says, shoving past Nesta to enter the apartment. “Do you know how worried I’ve been—” She halts midsentence, one foot hovering above a step as she realizes that Nesta isn’t alone. As she sees Cassian in her bed, bare-chested and highly amused.

“Hey.” He raises a hand in greeting.

Gwyn pales.

“Hello?” Emerie calls over the line.

“You girls both share the same brain,” Nesta sighs. “Let me call you back, Emerie.”

Gwyn whirls around just as Nesta hangs up. “That won’t be necessary,” she says quickly, looking embarrassed. “I’ll be outside. I’m sorry.”

She hurries out of the apartment even faster than she came in, ducking her head to hide her face.

Nesta tosses her arms up in the air. “Great,” she says to Cassian. “Your abs scared her away.”

“But I didn’t do anything—”

She shuts the door behind her as she follows Gwyn outside, barefoot and all. She barely notices the freezing cold air or the awful press of damp grass beneath her feet as she catches up to Gwyn and grabs her elbow. “Hey, what’s wrong?”

Gwyn jerks suddenly, yanking out of Nesta’s hold. Her breathing seems a little shallow, and she looks even more embarrassed for it. “It’s nothing. I just didn’t know you had someone over.”

“Cassian? He’s cool, you don’t need to be weird about him,” she tries to reassure Gwyn. “Though I did use to tell him that not everybody wants to see him shirtless all the time.”

“It’s not that,” Gwyn says, waving her off.

Nesta gestures to the apartment. “Do you want to come back inside, then? I’m sure he has clothes on by now.”

Gwyn clears her throat uncomfortably and looks down. “I’d rather not. I’m—I don’t like being around men.”

Nesta pauses, not sure if she heard right. “Like, in a ‘check the backseat of your car before getting in’ way, or…?”

“No, like I can’t be alone in a room with a man without feeling sick. It activates my fight or flight, it’s weird.” She’s carefully stiff, like she’s ready to be met with humiliation.

Nesta remembers that Gwyn has never told her about her therapy sessions before, but she knows they’re more intensive than her own weekly conversations with Lana.

“Not that I think your boyfriend is a bad person,” Gwyn adds when Nesta doesn’t respond. “He looks really nice. He sounds nice, too.”

But Nesta doesn’t care about any of that. Unsure of what to do next, she reaches out and awkwardly pats Gwyn on the arm. “Good thing you’ve never been to the cabin, then. Cassian’s brother is staying…” She trails off when she realizes none of this is relevant. “Why are you here so early?” she asks instead.

Gwyn eases up a little at the change in subject. “I missed you. We’ve barely talked since Christmas.”

Nesta didn’t realize people would take such notice to her absence. “Yeah.” She flushes. “I do that sometimes. I’ll send a message next time I go into hibernation, though.”

“You’re freezing,” Gwyn suddenly scolds, noticing how Nesta’s goosebumped arms are wrapped tightly around herself. She unzips her red hoodie and shrugs it off. “Go back inside and get dressed.” She flings the hoodie around Nesta’s shoulders before Nesta can protest. “Meet me at my car. We’re hanging out.”

Nesta knows that a last minute change of events is not the end of the world, even if it sometimes feels like it. For Gwyn and Emerie, she can bear the discomfort of unexpected plans, same as she does for Cassian. But she at least has to know: “How long will we be out?”

“You can come home after lunch.” At Nesta’s face, Gwyn adds, “Lunch will be at two and shouldn’t take more than an hour.”

Looking her friend up and down, someone who has such an easy time understanding her, Nesta nods in satisfaction. She turns around to go back inside.

***

They end up at the library where Gwyn works, in the stacks of the long-abandoned encyclopedia section.

Emerie takes a loud sip from the huge McDonald’s soda she snuck in. “So all this show was because Gwyn didn’t want to work her shift alone?”

“I just have some last minute cleanup to do,” she hisses for the third time, shoving an old book back where it belongs. “Go to the porn section if you’re so bored here.”

“Oh, I definitely will,” Emerie says. “But I’m glad that we’re congregating now, even if it’s in the most depressing part of the library. I have a present for you girls.” She hands Nesta her drink so she can dig around in her purse.

Nesta personally has no complaints. The library is quiet, it smells of paper and old ink, and it holds all her favorite books. It’s almost better than staying in.

Emerie successfully pulls out a handful of folded and wrinkled papers from her bag, smoothing them out as best she can. “One for each of us,” she says, passing the papers around.

Nesta takes her paper and stares at the header. Gwyn is the first to speak. “Pole dancing classes?”

“Why?” Nesta says.

“Well, I originally offered them to Justinian and Isaac but they said no—”

“It’s really not for me,” Gwyn interrupts, trying to pass the registration form back to Emerie. “Sorry.”

Nesta doesn’t give her form back.

“Look,” Emerie says. “I get the hesitation. We’re a handful of boring bitches who hate having fun. But don’t you think that has to change at some point?”

“I’ve known you guys a month,” Gwyn retorts. “We’ve only been boring bitches for a month. This is too much.” She turns to Nesta for help.

Nesta is still staring at the paper. Dancing—on a pole, yes, but it’s still dancing. “I’ll do it,” she says.

Gwyn looks betrayed and Emerie looks elated. “Really?” She hops up and down. “That’s two against one, Gwyn. You have to do it, too.”

Gwyn’s cheeks are turning red in frustration. “You can’t just force this on me—”

“Gwyneth,” a sharp voice interrupts their conversation. Nesta spins around to find a young woman with dark skin and bleached white curls heading in their direction, a stack of books in her arms.

She halts before Nesta and glares. “No food or drink in the library.” She looks pointedly at the 32-ounce in her hand.

“It’s not mine.” Nesta shoves the drink back to Emerie.

But the librarian has turned to Gwyn, who hides the dance class form behind her back. “And what are you doing here?” she demands.

“Just putting up a few books, Merrill,” Gwyn answers quickly.

“While socializing?” the woman named Merrill sneers.

“We were just asking for help finding the romance section. Is that a problem?” Emerie crosses her arms and steps forward, letting a little of her beautiful deadliness slip into her stance. It’s the deadliness of someone at the top of her law class, someone who will graduate in a few months with all the power she could want in the palm of her hand. Nesta gets a rush from playing the lawyer game, too, but she’s never had the kind of ambition that Emerie has. Emerie is a shark sitting around in a small pond.

Merrill is not impressed. She snatches the styrofoam cup dangling from Emerie’s hand and tosses it in the nearby trash can. She turns back to Gwyn. “Hand your badge over and clock out.”

“But I’m not done yet—”

“Now.”

“Okay,” she squeaks. She pulls her ID badge off her neck and hands it to Merrill.

Nesta gapes in disbelief. Before she can speak up, Merrill says, “No loitering in the library. If you don’t have anything you need to check out, leave.” With one final judgmental look, she turns down an aisle of dusty books and disappears.

Gwyn makes a face at her back.

“That woman is not old enough to be acting that misanthropic,” Emerie says after Merrill is gone.

“Whatever,” Gwyn mutters. The registration form is still in her hand. She crumples it into a ball and throws it into the trash. “Let’s get out of here.”

Nesta stares at the trash as Gwyn turns to leave. “Coward,” she says.

Gwyn’s head snaps toward Nesta, her auburn hair swinging. “Excuse me?”

She shrugs. “You heard me.” Emerie’s eyes bounce back and forth between the girls.

“I did,” Gwyn says. “I was just making sure this wasn’t coming from the woman who would sooner bite someone’s head off than do something she doesn’t want to.”

“Girls,” Emerie snaps before Nesta can bite back. “It’s just a stupid dance class. I thought it would be fun to do together, but it doesn’t matter anymore.” Taking Gwyn by one arm and Nesta by the other, she starts steering them out of the stacks like a stern mother. “Now let’s go eat. I’m fucking hungry.”

Gwyn’s mood from the library doesn’t recover, even as they sit down for lunch at the local diner. Nesta thinks Gwyn might actually be sick when the male waiter winks at her while taking her order, and it’s not until long after he’s gone that color returns to her face. When their food arrives, Gwyn only picks at her plate.

“What’s wrong?” Nesta finally has to ask bluntly. “You look pukey.” Did the coward comment affect Gwyn more than she let on, or was it Merrill’s attitude that threw her off?

At Nesta’s words, Gwyn becomes even more pallid. “I just don’t feel great today,” she murmurs, looking around like she’s seeking a way out of the diner. “Sorry guys, I didn’t mean to be such a buzzkill. Maybe I should go home early.”

“Absolutely not,” Emerie says. “If you’re going home, we’re going home with you.”

Gwyn bites her lip, trying to decide if she wants that or not. But something about her antsy demeanor is too familiar to Nesta, because she says, “If you really want to be alone, do you mind driving me home first? Emerie’s car is a mess.”

“You just need to move around a few papers,” Emerie protests.

But Gwyn nods distractedly, already gathering her things. “Sure, no problem.” They pay the bill and go their separate ways.

During the ride home, the sky that’s been gray all day finally breaks open, unleashing a spattering of rain over the town. Nesta watches it sprinkle while Gwyn drives in silence.

“Why are you scared of Merrill?” she eventually asks. “She doesn’t look much older than you.”

Gwyn snorts, but there isn’t much heart to it. “Merrill is my superior, but I can handle her on most days.”

“Just not today?”

Gwyn eyes Nesta warily from the corner of her eye. “No, not today. Or this week.”

Nesta chooses not to push. The dull metal of the cars surrounding them glints under the rain, and they arrive at a red light.

After a minute, she takes a breath and blurts, “I’m not always like that around guys, you know.”

Nesta watches her closely, remembering how ghostly she seemed around Cassian, then the waiter. “Keep going.”

Gwyn stares straight at the traffic ahead, her fingers turning bone white on the steering wheel. “I’m just going through a hard period. Everything upsets me and I don’t know how to think straight. It’s like my brain accidentally traveled to the past and now it’s stuck there.” She sounds shaky, breathless, and it makes Nesta wonder what exactly her mind is experiencing.

Nesta knows what it’s like to be unable to move on. Her own brain has only recently started looking toward the future. “Where are you stuck, specifically?” she asks hesitantly. Maybe she can help Gwyn navigate her way out.

Gwyn’s chin quivers. “In a dark room.” Her lips form a tight line. “Being held down. I’m outnumbered.”

Nesta’s stomach turns. “How far back is it?”

“Two years,” Gwyn whispers. “Lately I can’t even look at anything without—remembering it. Thinking about it. Every time I feel like I’m moving past it, I end up being wrong.”

The light turns green, and Nesta puts a hand on Gwyn’s knee in an attempt to ground her. “Drive,” she commands softly.

Gwyn presses down on the accelerator, but Nesta can feel her leg trembling beneath her hand. She squeezes her knee hard. Even with the dark parts of her own past, Nesta has never felt what Gwyn is feeling right now. So she tries to stick to what she knows.

“It’s like you said,” she says carefully. “You’re going through a period where your brain isn’t being friendly to you. It’s horrible, but you can live with the knowledge that it’ll be over eventually.”

Gwyn shakes her head, holding back tears. “It doesn’t work like that. Once it goes away, it’ll just come back again. And it’ll be like that for the rest of my life.”

“You’re right.” Nesta doesn’t have a solution for that, and she hates it. “You’ll never forget. You can be at the peak of your life and still remember all of it. But,” she says slowly, “whether you reach a point where it barely fazes you, or if you keep crippling under the weight of it decades later, you’ll still be normal. You’ll be a perfectly normal human.”

Gwyn lets out a tearful laugh at that. “What does that even mean?”

Shit. “It means…” Nesta tries to explain herself better. “In case you’re worried that there’s something very wrong with you, I’m here telling you that there’s not. There will never be anything wrong with you.”

Gwyn eyes her skeptically as they turn onto a residential road. “Even if I never get past one nightmare I lived years ago? Even if that nightmare defines me until the day I die?”

“That won’t happen.” Nesta’s tone is simple, factual. “But yes, even then.”

“Really? You’re not gonna tell me to live for the better days or whatever?”

“Does that sound like something that would help you? Because I can say it if it does.”

Gwyn snorts. “No.” But her limbs are steady and her eyes are clear on the road. She clears her throat. “Thank you for listening. I think I might feel a little better now.”

“Was it because of what I said?” Nesta tries not to be too hopeful.

“I wouldn’t give you that much credit,” Gwyn says, crushing her hope. “But I’m glad I told you. It makes things…a lot easier for me.” She exhales deeply.

“You know my plate is mostly empty these days.” Nesta pats her knee. “That means I’ll always have room to help carry your shit.”

They pull up to Nesta’s apartment, and Gwyn parks at the curb. “Give me your dance class thing,” she says suddenly.

Frowning, Nesta pulls the wrinkled paper out of her purse and hands it to Gwyn.

Gwyn smooths it out on the steering wheel and grabs a pen from a cupholder, clicking it. “If you’re going to help carry my shit, I guess I have time for pole dancing now.”

“But that’s mine,” Nesta protests as Gwyn starts filling out the form.

“It can be both of ours,” she says, writing Nesta’s name under hers.

“Really?” Nesta grins with an excitement that she doesn’t easily feel. “You’re going to do it with us?”

“Why would I let you do it without me? So I can become the third wheel in our girl group?” She gives Nesta a look that says No way in hell.

Nesta rolls her eyes. “That would never happen to you.”

“Sure,” Gwyn drawls. She finishes the form and folds it in half before pocketing it. “I’ll give this to Emerie as a gift.” She leans over to peck Nesta on the cheek. “Now get home. Love you.”

Nesta turns red at the words and coughs. “Thanks for the ride,” she responds, getting out of the car.

“Say it back!” Gwyn calls after her. But Nesta shuts the door in her face and waves, pretending she can’t hear her. Gwyn mock-scowls at her through the window, but lets her off easy and drives away.

That’s enough feelings for today, Nesta decides. Even if her chest is swelling with emotion for her friend. It’s a sweet hurt that lingers long after she returns to her empty apartment.

***

a/n: i’m back in my no plot, just vibes era

taglist: @hellasblessed @sjm-things @thewayshedreamed @drielecarla @valkyriewarriors @superspiritfestival @aliveahaahahafuck @cupcakey00 @sayosdreams @rainbowcheetah512 @claralady @thebluemartini @nessiantho @missing-merlin @duskandstarlight @lucy617 @sleeping-and-books @everything-that-i-love @cassianscool @swankii-art-teacher @awesomelena555 @julemmaes @wickedqueenoffantasy @poisonous-bloom @observationanxioustheorist @gisellefigue08 @courtofjurdan @theoverlyenthusiasticwriter @wolfiixxx @cass-nes @seashade @royaltykxx @illyrianundercover @queenestarcheron @monstrousloves-explodinggalaxies @humanexile @that-golden-lyre @agentsofsheilds @mercy-is-alive @cassiansbigwingspan @laylaameer01 @verypaleninja @maastrash @bow-dawn @perseusannabeth @dead-on-the-inside666 @jlinez @hungryreadingaddict @anidealiveson @planet-faerie @shallowhighwaters @ghostlyrose2 @chosenfamily-valkyriequeens @rarephloxes

#nessian #nesta archeron #cassian #ncssianwrites #a favor #nessian fic #nessian au

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wingsandembers · 4 years

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Acosf review (with spoilers)

The story started out strong, like really strong, the best work from SJM so far. I cried multiple times, I felt so strongly for my homegirl Nesta.

But the story fizzled out towards the end imo, Cassian and Nesta was having too much sex for no reason at all. Like the first three or four times, IMMACULATE. feysand could never. But then towards the end they were becoming feysand 2.0.

Not always a bad thing, coz they’re a better written version of feysand, but in one of their sex scenes, like the one on the table, it felt more like feysand than nessian. They corrected course eventually, during solstice, but at one point there they were in the feysand rabbit hole.

There was also a lot of fan service in the last part, especially with Nesta participating in blood rite. I also didn’t like how much feysand we got in this book especially in the end and the whole pregnancy plot was just cringe.

There were things I waited so long to be addressed but they weren’t addressed, but coz of how the story unfolded, it didn’t matter anymore really, but I still wished they did.

Like almost everything from last solstice was addressed except for when Cassian said he didn’t understand how his sisters still love her & Cassian realizing he was so wrong about her bullshiit behavior. But then they were also indirectly resolved or addressed, only not to my satisfaction.

I did like and respect SJM for allowing the IC especially Rhys and feyre to be terrible, coz omg I know I’m biased but even if you liked them, you had to recognize how shitty they were most of the times in this book. And I also didn’t like how much they took over the story that was supposed to be about nesta and Cassian.

I honestly still dunno what Amren and Nesta fought about except for some bs reason that Amren chose feyre when everyone did choose feyre she was the high lady

Ugh elain, fucking elain. I hate her more than I do feyre. I was right about her and so glad she was called out on her bs multiple times. While the chasm between elain and nesta wasn’t resolved like with nesta and feyre was, I’m glad it wasn’t coz if the next book is about her and Azriel, elain has a lot of shit she needs to work out as well.

I still think that the fact Nesta is more powerful than anyone and can rule entire world not just pyrthian, they need to thank who they need to thank that nesta still has low self esteem even after everything that she’s just happy to have Cassian and the house of wind at the end of all this.

Give her time tho...give her time tho...😏

Cassian, I get it, to him feysand is relationship goals, not that he wants to be them but wants to feel deserving of what they have too. But boy is obsessed. I love how he defended and protected Nesta from the IC, and he was gonna die for her so there’s no questioning his love for Nesta, but at the same time, he was never really presented that conundrum or had to prove where his loyalty lies, is it with his mate or his high lord and lady

At best he played referee and stayed neutral and got in between them, but pushed come to shove, who will he defend and protect? My heart says nesta but logic dictates it will be Rhys or feyre.

The thing with Mor also never really addressed, even if nesta admits she’s jealous of her and her history with Cassian.

Basically Cassian got away with a lot of shit that should’ve been addressed but at the same time he also did a lot of things that proved himself and that those things didn’t seem important to address anymore, idk.

I still think it’s bullshit how IC decided to finally help Nesta, but I did like Nesta did the work all on her own afterwards and Cassian just needed to start listening instead of forcing her to do what he wants

I get the whole physical training thing and her leading her own army of female warriors I approve of that, but she never really trained her actual magical powers, like it was just assumed the physical training also helped with her magic but those are two different things??

I loved her friendship with emerie and gywn, I totally stan, one of my favorite things that happened to her. And the HOUSE.

Nesta smiling. Laughing. We got it multiple times. I loved it.

Did I love how Nessian was ultimately resolved? I did. The only parts I didn’t like about it was feysand stealing moments from them, like especially towards the end. They just admitted to themselves they’re mates couldn’t we savor that a little bit more but no I have to read about feysand stupid bargain and her bleeding.

I am iffy about the deserving storyline part, coz hate it but I also get it. I didn’t like that burden was all on Nesta, and that she didn’t deserve to be loved. Coz lbr none of these fuckers deserves her anyways, but it’s what she wanted, Amren’s friendship, her sisters forgiveness, Cassian’s everything, & honestly gaining Rhys respect and acceptance coz she might not like him but the people she loves does.

I did like that she resolved her issues with feysand without having to directly apologize to him or feyre, and she has Rhys kneeling and at the palm of her hand by the end of it, coz it’s not about Rhys it’s about the people they both love needing them to get over whatever it is they hate about each other.

While she did give back what she took from the cauldron, the mother still let her keep enough of it that she could still easily handle the Deathly Hallows (Harry Potter rip off). So that still makes her more powerful than most if not all of IC. She is still a death goddess who chose life.

I deserved to see their mating ceremony tho, like we couldn’t have an epilogue or one more chapter to show that

LOVED: nesta, the house, emerie, Cassian, Azriel, Gwynn

HATED: Elain, Amren, Mor, Rhys, Feyre, the tacky river house

DIDNT CARE: Lucien, Eris, the human queen, koschei, honestly the villains were bland I couldn’t care about the threat they posed, they were merely plot devices

#acosf #nessian #nesta archeron #cassian #acosf spoilers

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perseusannabeth · 4 years

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I'll Hold Your Hand - modern AU Nessian fic

Summary: Cassian is finally going to spend some alone time with Nesta, and he's going to woo the shit out of her. He's totally going to seduce her. This is his chance, finally! However, when he gets to Nesta's flat, he realises that this may not be the best time for seduction.

Notes: This is not beta-read so please let me know if there are any mistakes! I wrote this for my friend @acourtofmarauders who asked for some Nessian fluff. If anyone has any acotar prompts they would like me to write, then please send me an ask!

Cassian would be lying through his teeth if he said he wasn’t dressing extra carefully today. He had spent 2 hours going through every combination of outfits he could possibly wear, and another hour (once he had chosen an outfit) had been dedicated to fixing his hair. He was nervous, and that was a new feeling for him. Cassian never got nervous, especially when it came to women.

Nesta Archeron however, was no ordinary woman. In fact, when she was angry, he wasn’t even sure she was a woman, she looked like a dragon sometimes, with smoke blowing out of her nostrils when she got angry and ready to breathe fire and burn down whoever angered her, which was usually him. He loved it though. At first, he just loved pissing her off for the sake of it. He didn’t hate her, he just didn’t really like her either and she irritated him, got under his skin and somehow knew how to push all the wrong buttons. Now though, he just loved to watch the way her cheeks would flush, her brows would furrow, and the slight clench of her jaw. He enjoyed their verbal sparring, which he had come to see as a release for the tension between them, only the past few months it felt like the verbal spars were not enough to get rid of the tension.

If she could see him now, primping and preening in the mirror for hours on end, she would have insulted him till he begged for a reprieve, but he doesn’t care. He wants to make sure he looks irresistible but make it look effortless. She could never know his effortless look took him 3 hours. In fact, none of his friends could ever know. They would never shut up about it. He thanked the cauldron that Azriel was spending a few days away with Elain so he couldn’t witness what a mess he was. Sometimes living with your brother had its downsides. He was just thankful that Rhys didn’t still live here. He shuddered at the thought of Rhys and Feyre seeing him getting ready for his not-date with Nesta.

Cassian knew he was acting like this was a date, but he didn’t care. Nesta had invited him to go over to her flat when she was home alone to eat junk food and watch films together, and Cassian was ecstatic. If he had known that mentioning that he had never seen Lord of the Rings, despite having read all the books would have made Nesta so outraged that she’d invite him to spend time with her, then he would have mentioned it ages ago.

He looked at the clock again to check if it was a reasonable enough time to set off. He didn’t want to get there too early, as eager as he was, because that might annoy Nesta and he didn’t want to start their 12-hour marathon with Nesta being angry at him. He also would rather die than get there late, so he kept checking the clock. Nesta had told him to come over for 6 pm so they could marathon all three of the films. She had warned that it would be an endurance test and that if he was a “weak ass bitch” (direct quote from Nesta herself), then she would “leave him for dead”.

Cassian looked at himself one last time in the mirror. His hair was tied in a messy man bun that had taken way too much time to make it look so effortless and not as though he had run in the wind. He had kept his outfit simple, wearing a grey fitted shirt which he knew made his muscles look great, and his favourite joggers which he knew did wonders for his ass (not that it needed help but still, every little helps where Nesta is concerned). Nesta had warned him to dress comfortable, but that didn’t mean he had to dress like a slob.

He grabbed his favourite red zip-up hoodie, made sure he had his phone, charger and keys as he walked into the kitchen. Nesta had said she would have some snacks but Cassian wanted to do a little extra, so he had prepared a pasta bake, which just needed to go in the oven when he got to Nesta’s place. He had also taken the liberty of buying an assortment of junk food, including sour sweets (Nesta’s favourites) and Yorkie chocolate bars (Nesta claimed she started eating them out of spite and can’t stop. He’s too afraid to ask what that even means).

He somehow managed to lock up while holding the pasta bake and the tonne of junk food, and then went and put his things in his car. He tried to drive as slowly as he could without annoying other people on the roads, just to make sure he didn’t get there too early, but still ended up arriving 15 minutes earlier than he was supposed to. Still, Cassian decided Nesta couldn’t be too mad at him for arriving early (could she?) so he decided to take a chance and go up to her flat.

He knocked on her door cautiously and heard a muffled swear from inside which made him grin. Perhaps their little Lord of the Rings marathon wasn’t only making him nervous. The idea that Nesta was nervous too made Cassian grin even wider, his heart fluttering slightly at the thought of Nesta getting nervous because of him.

The door swung open, interrupting Cassian’s thoughts. Nesta stood in the doorway, leaning against the door frame. She looked… tired? It threw Cassian, seeing her like this. Her hair was in a messy plait that she had clearly slept in, she was wearing what looked like some Mulan pyjamas and a pastel pink fluffy dressing gown over them. Her cheeks were slightly flushed, she looked a little sweaty, her eyes were half-closed as she looked at Cassian. This was not the poised and ready to step on his balls while wearing high heels Nesta he was used to.

“Hi sweetheart, are you okay?” Cassian forgot all about any ideas to woo Nesta, worry at the forefront of his mind now. Something was clearly wrong because Nesta would rather die than be seen in this state, especially by him.

“Hmm? Don’t call me that,” Nesta protested half-heartedly, her eyes still half-closed as she leaned against the door frame, her head moving to rest against it as though it was too heavy for her to carry.

Cassian decided to throw all caution to the wind and step forward, lightly touching her arm while balancing the ridiculous amounts of food he had bought for the two of them. “Nes, you don’t look very well. Are you okay?”

“I was gonna call you to cancel but then I got really tired and fell asleep. It was just really exhausting getting out of bed to go to the bathroom and kitchen so I had to rest on the sofa.” Nesta said softly. It was strange hearing the normally sharp-tongued Nesta sound so soft and sleepy. He had never seen her so vulnerable, and it made his heart swell.

“Why do you have your head against the doorframe sweetheart? You have a temperature too?”

“Yeah, I think so. Also, I’m a little dizzy right now. I’m not too bad when I’m ill usually, but the flu always affects my balance because once I had an ear infection.” She moved her head from the doorframe, turning her head to look at Cassian with those beautiful, sleepy eyes. As she moved her head, she swayed a bit, her grip tightening on the door frame as she did.

“Right, hang on a second,” Cassian said, quickly spurring into action and moving past her to put down the food he had bought on the kitchen counter, before rushing back to the front door, closing it and slowly guiding Nesta back to the sofa in her living area. Once he had Nesta safely seated, he let out a breath he had been holding.

“Thank you. You don’t have to stay, you know. As you can probably tell, I’m in no fit state to watch Lord of the Rings right now. Plus, the only correct way to do it is to marathon them and I don’t have the energy for that,” Nesta let out a small, sad-sounding sigh which sounded more like she was struggling to breathe as she lay herself down.

“That’s fine, we can watch Lord of the Rings another time. I don’t mind,” Cassian smiled at her softly as he grabbed the blanket at the foot of the sofa and covered her in it.

Nesta frowned. “You don’t have to stay,” she repeated.

“I know I don’t have to stay, but I want to stay.”

There was silence as Nesta looked at Cassian, confusion written all over her face plain as day. She never made it this easy to read her, but Cassian enjoyed the fact that for once, he might be able to guess what’s going on in her head.

“I… I don’t… why?”

“Why not? You’re ill, nobody else is here. I’m not going to let you deal with this on your own, especially when you tell me you’re getting dizzy. It’s not safe. Plus, I don’t mind what we do, even if it’s just sitting here and watching some mindless TV while you doze off. I just wanted to spend time with you.”

“Oh,” was all Nesta could say to Cassian’s confession. He couldn’t be sure, but she almost sounded shocked? But surely not, because he always told her how much he enjoyed talking to her.

“Okay, so have you had any food, water or medicine today?” Cassian asked, getting into his ‘nurse Cassian’ way of thinking, as Azriel had lovingly named it back when Azriel had been very ill when they were younger. Cassian just couldn’t help himself, he always felt the need to protect those he loved.

“I had some water and 2 cookies when I woke up. I fell asleep pretty soon after so I haven’t had anything else yet.”

Cassian frowned. “Nesta, it’s now past 6. Are you telling me that all you’ve had today is 2 cookies and a glass of water? What the fuck!”

“I fell asleep, that’s why! I only just woke up when you knocked on my door. Plus, it’s not so bad, I woke up at 1 pm today so it’s only been a few hours,” Nesta said defensively, a little sharpness returning to her voice.

“No wonder you’re feeling dizzy, you’ve not had any medicine or anything of nutritional value to eat, and most of the day has passed! Come on, what do you want to eat? Anything specific?”

“I don’t care as long as it’s not soup. I’m not dying, I still want real food, and soup never tastes good. Plus, I used to have it all the time when I was younger, it reminds me too much of starving and shoving random things in a pot to make ‘soup’ that we would have tiny little portions of so that it would last us a week.”

Cassian has never heard Nesta talk about their childhood. He knew from Feyre how tough things had been, but Nesta had never once spoken about it. He had always assumed that she didn’t care, and from what Feyre had told them, both her and Elain had pretended nothing was happening. Perhaps, Cassian mused, there was more going on there too, more than what she had let her sisters see.

“Okay, no soup. I made a pasta bake so we could always have that. It just needs to go into the oven for a little while. Does that sound good to you?” Nesta nodded, making Cassian smile.

He was glad that his pasta bake would come to good use. He was just glad that despite the fact that Nesta probably didn’t want him here, she didn’t seem to be kicking him out. He wanted to be able to help her and look after her. She hated people seeing her vulnerable, he knew that, and he was honoured that she was putting up with him and allowing him to be there for her.

Cassian walked over to the kitchen, put the oven on and pulled some dishes out of Nesta’s cupboards while the oven warmed up. Once the oven was warmed up, he put the pasta bake into the oven and set a timer on his phone, making sure it was on vibrate so it didn’t make too much noise and startle Nesta.

While he had been rattling around in the kitchen, Nesta had put the TV on and started Netflix up and was looking through to find something to watch. She eventually decided on Queer Eye but had the volume on very quietly, so it was just some comfortable background silence. Cassian glanced at her on the sofa and saw her struggling to keep her eyes open.

“Where do you keep your medicine?” Cassian asked, deciding he should also see what she had in her medicine cupboard too.

“There’s some in the small cupboard right at the end and then there’s some stuff in the bathroom cupboard too,” Nesta answered, jolting at the sound of his voice as she kept almost falling asleep. Cassian could see that she was fighting valiantly to stay awake. She would probably fight the illness with the same kind of energy and knowing Nesta, be fine in no time through sheer determination alone.

Cassian looked through the cupboards and managed to find some lemsip tablets in the bathroom, as well as the powdered stuff in the kitchen. “Do you want lemsip powder or tablets?” he asked as he walked towards her, holding both up in his hands.

“Ugh, the tablets for sure. The powered stuff tastes like shit. I used to suffer through it and drink that shit until Feyre told me that there was a tablet form of it.” Nesta looked at the offending powder with disdain, narrowing her eyes at it as though it had offended her.

“Okie dokie! The powder stuff is definitely evil. I don’t know how we’re expected to drink it. It does not taste like lemon and lime, it tastes like lies and poison.” Cassian said, throwing the powder back into the cupboard.

His phone started buzzing in his pocket and he quickly went to take the pasta out of the oven. He quickly plated it up for Nesta, putting it on the coffee table in front of her along with the biggest glass he could find, full of water. He then went to get his own plate and water and sat beside her.

Nesta looked at him suspiciously and then looked at the pasta in front of her. Cassian just grinned at her and started eating. Nesta watched him for a minute, before following his lead. Cassian knew as soon as she had put the fork in her mouth because Nesta let out a positively sinful moan.

“Fuck, that’s amazing,” Nesta said, looking over at Cassian, her eyes widened with shock.

Cassian felt his cheeks heat a little, a combination of her praise and the incredibly sexy noise she had let out. He would usually have made a dirty comment after hearing a noise like that, but he decided to hold back for once, only going easy on Nesta because she was ill.

Nesta ate the food at a slightly alarming pace, and Cassian was half worried that she would choke on her food at the speed she was eating, and was on edge just in case he needed to quickly stop her from choking. Nesta didn’t pay him any attention, eating and watching Queer Eye.

When her plate was empty, she drank some of her water. Cassian got up, taking both the plates to the sink and grabbing the cold and flu tablets and handing them to Nesta. She silently took one, before lying back down again.

Cassian turned back to the kitchen when he heard a soft “thank you” coming from the sofa. He stopped in his tracks, not quite sure he had heard it right. He looked at the TV, wondering if he had just heard it from that, and then looked at Nesta, who was watching him.

“Sorry, did you say something?” Cassian asked as he started washing their dishes.

“I know you heard me, don’t ruin it now by being a bastard.” Cassian simply raised his eyebrow at her, before drying his hands and putting cling film on the remaining pasta and putting it in the fridge. “I said, thank you.”

“You’re welcome, I’m glad you enjoyed the food,” he said, sitting down near Nesta’s feet. She lifted them to make room for him. As he sat down, he pulled her feet back into his lap. “How are you feeling now?”

“Better. I guess you were right about the whole food thing making me feel better.”

“Wow, who would’ve thought we’d see the day where Nesta Archeron admits I was right?” Cassian said, feigning shock. Nesta huffed and gave his leg a light kick. “But seriously, you knew the food would make you feel better. You should take better care of yourself. Or maybe, let others in to take care of you from time to time. Like this, us right now.”

“But I don’t need anyone to take care of me,” Nesta said, not angry, the way she had said those words many times in the past. Just softly, stating a fact, but her voice tinged with confusion.

“Look, Nesta, admitting that you need help occasionally doesn’t mean you’re weak. Everyone needs help from time to time. Needing someone to take care of you when you’re ill doesn’t mean you’re needy or dependent or a burden on someone, it just means you’re human. And believe it or not, not everyone is out to get you. There are people in your life who would gladly help you, and ask for nothing in return.”

“Like you?” she looked at Cassian with an emotion etched on her beautiful face that he had never seen before. It was hope, softness, and perhaps maybe even fondness for him, all rolled into one.

“Nesta Archeron, I would drop everything to come and help you with whatever you needed, however stupid or mundane you might think it is.” Nesta looked away, and let a small smile grow on her face. Cassian had seen Nesta smile before, don’t get him wrong, but they were more smirks and ‘I’ll kill you’ smiles, in the heat of their arguments. This smile was something different altogether, and it reminded him of how Nesta truly took his breath away.

“I’m tired,” Nesta said after a few minutes of silence.

“Okay, well then you need to sleep.” Cassian stood up, switching the TV off, pulling the blanket off of her and picking her up. She barely weighed anything, which worried Cassian. He didn’t want to annoy Nesta by monitoring her eating habits, especially because he didn’t know why she was so underweight and that could be a risky move, but he hoped he would be able to get her to eat more. He’d even cook for her himself if she wanted.

Nesta, surprisingly, did not react when he picked her up. She just put her arms around his neck and stared at him as he carried her into her room. He placed her softly onto the bed, took her dressing gown off her and hung it up, then tucked her into bed. He then went back into the living room, picked her glass up from the coffee table, filled it up with fresh water and put it on her bedside cabinet, next to some more cold and flu tablets. He then turned to leave Nesta in peace, when she called out for him.

“Cassian?”

“Yes, sweetheart?” He asked, turning around. “Do you need anything else?” Nesta nodded, then gestured for him to come closer.

He walked closer until he was looming over her bed. She slowly reached out for his hand, and kissed the back of it, then let go and smiled at him. “Thank you, for taking care of me.”

“Is that what the kiss was for?” Nesta nodded. “Well sweetheart, if you want to thank me then there are plenty of ways you can thank me when you’re feeling better,” he smiled.

“I would’ve kissed you properly now but I don’t want you to get ill either. I’m nowhere near as good of a nurse as you are.”

“What you might lack in the care department, you could make up by wearing a sexy nurse costume.” he wriggled his eyebrows suggestively at her.

She laughed. “I think that would make you stay sick for longer.”

“I think you’re right,” he said, joining her in her laughter.

Nesta’s laughter subsided. She stared at him openly, her eyes roaming all over him. “Will you stay?” she said eventually, so quiet he could’ve missed it if there wasn’t total silence around them.

“Stay here?” he asked dumbly, not quite believing she would want him to continue to intrude, especially when she was about to sleep.

“Yes. Stay with me, please,” she said, her soft sleepy voice returning, her eyes starting to close before she opened them again. Cassian could see how much force and effort it was taking for her to keep her eyes open. He nodded, not trusting himself to speak. He grabbed Nesta’s armchair, where she no doubt spent many an hour reading her romance books, and pushed it until it was close enough to the bed that Nesta could reach out for him if she wanted.

He sat down on the chair, and Nesta instantly grabbed his hand, the same one she had kissed. He watched as she drifted off in a matter of minutes, the medicine making sleep come to her a lot quicker than usual. Even as she drifted off, she did not stop holding his hand at all. Cassian ran his thumb over the back of her hand softly, repeating the motion as he stared at the beautiful woman before him. He wasn’t entirely sure this wasn’t a dream, but if it was he never wanted to wake. Nesta’s face was much more relaxed now she was asleep, the frown lines and pursed lips smoothed out. She looked, younger, and almost carefree, apart from the clear signs of fatigue that lined her face. The bags under her eyes were prominent, and Cassian knew she studied into the night, working herself too hard.

Still, Cassian mused to himself, perhaps now that Nesta had let him in, he could convince her to take better care of herself. He needed to make sure that she knew that Cassian was in this for the long haul, and perhaps she would lower her walls more, and finally let him in.

As he drifted off to sleep, still holding her hand, he realised that perhaps she already had let him in.

End Notes: Thank you to everyone who is reading! Please let me know what you thought of it. Also, I've realised that perhaps some of the things I mentioned are very British? I'm not entirely sure but I figured I'd give an explanation just in case.

Yorkies are a chocolate bar, which used to have the slogan 'not for girls' which is obviously very dumb. They changed it years ago, however, before they changed it, when I was younger, I ate the chocolate bar out of spite because the slogan and some boys said I couldn't do it. The adrenaline rush was just wow, a lot at the time for an 8-year-old.

Lemsip is medicine for colds and flu. Most people tend to have the powdered stuff, which you have to mix into boiling water and drink like its tea. It claims to be lemon and lime flavoured but it's actually just lies and makes me gag because it's disgusting. I was very offended because I suffered for all these years but then my sister told me there were tablets too??? Betrayal??? Nobody bothered to tell me???

#nessian #nesta x cassian #nesta archeron #cassian #acotar #acomaf #acowar #acofas #acotar fanfiction #my fic #i've not even properly proofread this so there may be mistakes #not sure if i even like it i'm just posting it #also posted on a03 #text

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illyrian-lover-flower · 3 years

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What are your top 10 and bottom 10 ACOTAR characters?

Hello sweet anon, I first wanted to thank you so much (you brightened my day with that😊) and before we start I just thought to tell you that this turned out rather long, so I summarized it at the top and put my whole reasons under the cut😄

Positive:

1. Elain/ 2. Azriel/ 3. Nuala & Cerridwen/ 5. Lucien/ 6. Amren/ 7. Alis/ 8. Nesta/ 9. Cassian/ 10. Feyre

Negative:

10. Morrigian/ 9. Graysen/ 8. Rhysand/ 7. Cauldron/ 6. Attor/ 5. Amarantha/ 4. Ianthe/ 3. Luciens Brothers/ 2. Beron Vanserra/ 1. -

+ 1. Elain

Ok, so I just love this female. I love how Elain is not portrayed as the type of woman who does need a weapon to get what she wants. It is true that one might take her outstanding beauty as a weapon (it sure is) but she can achieve a lot of good things by just using her words and charisma, letting peace remain, before one might do the wrong step and start a war.

Elain is in my opinion though not only charismatic, but also really … yeah silent and well behaved. She does not need to be the centre of the party or a conversation, we have learned she enjoys the company of silence too and her language or the way she is, just speaks on another level. One might say she has a stick shoved up her ass, but I don’t think that this is the case, simply bc we have seen Elain act on her own emotions as well, she just seems to prefer to hold up that mask of her human days around her family, she can use curses too and also have dirty thoughts (her reaction to Azriel on solstice (this was no shock, fear or whatever one might claim!)) god forbid!

Something I also love about her is her seer ability, I am most of the time really intrigued by the future, so seeing her look into the still foggy realms of what is to happen, is really interesting.

+ 2. Azriel

This boy just deserves all the love this world has to give! One of the reasons probably bc dark and broody males with a whole wall of mystery build around them are my typ. But no, seriously – I think Az is one of the most misunderstood characters, mostly by his family.

Bc even though he has known the greatest part of his family for 500+ years, no one seems to understand him, his feelings or his wishes (Thank you Rhysand!) as everyone just assumes Azriel is Azriel and is just ok with being where his family is( Obligated to be the fifth wheel for the rest of eternity!😭)

Something which I also think the IC mistakes is his silence. It might seem as if Azriel barely has anything to say, but I guess it is more the other way around, as we have figured out that if he talks it is always well thought with deep meanings, at times even poetic from the bottom of his heart and often used to motivate or encourage someone. I just think he picks his words so carefully bc he is afraid to give away too much of himself and that everything he might say, or every thought he harboured, could be used against him, so that he would be wounded (THANK YOU AGAIN FOR THAT RHYSAND!)

+ 3. Nuala & Cerridwen

I just love both of them, so I was not able to put one of them on a fourth place.

Anyway, Nuala and Cerridwen are two characters who are also majorly underestimated. Those two have a quiet side which makes most of the people around them forget that they even exist, which is pretty noticeable from Feyres, Rhysands and even Nestas pov (though I am not gonna lean too wide out of the window with her since I haven’t read Acosf yet) Those two could literally plan to overthrow an High Lord and we would only know the moment it is too late,bc everyone seems to forget about their existence. Something I also love about them, is their whole character. We don’t know much about them now, but it already is noticeable that they accept people like they are, for they have no fear of Azriel, nor do they act around Elain as if she were made of glas.

+ 5. Lucien

Lucien is just an innocent bean who deserves all the love in all of Prythian! I might be an Elriel stan, but you might want to address the fact that not even one rooting for Elriel is oblivious to the shit show which took place in Luciens life. Undermined son, lover killed in front of his eyes, abused/used by his best friend and on top of that practically homeless. He knows that he can’t go back to the spring court yet, for things with Tamlin did not yet settle down, he also knows he isn’t also really home at the Night Court and god forbid if he ever thought of entering Autumn again! If it wouldn’t be for the Band of Exils (Thank god they exist) he’d be all lonely and without a roof over his head.

And this is something our sassy, witty fox does not deserve.

+ 6. Amren

Amren is just a character I identify with. She seems like as if she is only caring about her own stuff and only mind her business, while in truth she just doesn’t know how to express the love she feels for her family, as we know from her former past she did not even receive love, and just cares the most about her family.

Something I also love about her is her whole behaviour if one is to doubt her size. In my country I barely scratch the minimum of average height, so a friend of mine likes to make jokes about my size (much like Cassian about Amren), so seeing how she just shows him his place with a glare or some sharp words is just satisfaction to me.

+ 7. Alis

The kindness with which Alis treated Feyre in Acotar just sort of stuck to me and as I did not really find a character in Prythian, who was born there, who had the same kindness as her – she just stayed.

+ 8. Nesta

Nesta is a character I absolutely love, in Acotar I do admit I did not pay that much attention to her or Elain, but I just love how strong minded she is. She had been fighting for her own goal the moment she got spit out of the cauldron and she did not particularly stray from that. I also adore her for her strength – she wouldn’t even have been in the need to learn combat in order to hurt someone, as Nesta just analyses the people around her so much, so that she’ll know exactly what would feel to them like a gut stab.

The fact that Nesta is a huge bookworm and a dreamer in her own way makes her even more awesome.

+ 9. Cassian

Now you can just love this guy! He might have his ups and downs, but in the end he always worked his way out of them. Cassian just has such a big heart, that much like Nesta, he would do anything in order to protect his family and loved ones.

And while he is great to cheer one up, he might not be the brightest candle on the cake, but he would still go to the end of the world if it meant he could fight and protect those he loves. Something I also liked was that he is practically the one who started this whole thing with the females training while Rhysand just let the Illyrians do like they please.

+ 10. Feyre

As the main character we had learned a lot about her and I am happy that she is alive, has her freedom, is in love with her mate, has a child, a loving family and a really high title (*cough* High Lady). But what I think she could have done different was the way of how she treated both, Elain and Nesta, during their traumas.

Even though Nesta might not have shown her trauma that clear in the beginning, she could have still looked over the plates rim once it was almost tearing through one’s ears in a painful scream of help that Nesta was not fine. And judging someone straight out mad or considering it while you yourself have not even a real clue of how this whole Prythian thing works is just a big no-no. Elain doubted herself already enough, Feyres fear that she might have gone mad was not helping the situation.

And well Nestas story is one I can’t particularly dive into yet, but from what I have read (Acofas) she dealt with it the wrong way. It might have been that she and Nesta did not have the best relationship and she might have even wondered if she was entitled to bound with her sister on such a topic, but when Nesta pushed each of them away Feyre should have not moved away from her.

Feyre already did a lot for her, true, but Feyre knew herself how it was to have a trauma and she herself had pushed help, in the first months, away, but however I am overall just happy she got her happy ending.

- 10. Morrigian

I have criticized Morrigian already a lot, but I will just say it again.

First of, I don’t hate her. Morrigian is a character who I think has a lot to tell, as we know she kept the biggest part of herself a secret until now, but I just don’t like how she claims to trust the IC while in truth she refuses to tell them of her sexuality (the thing she seems to be afraid? of the most.)

I know the Azriel pining after her for 500+ years, was a lot of pressure on her back, but she could have also just told him she wasn’t interested or loved females (if she wouldn’t have been fine with telling Rhys). However I think she is going to be one of the more important side characters as I think her situation and everything that follows, pretty much sums up how gays/lesbians and other LGBTQ members feel now a days. And I think her journey is sort of supposed to help to overcome those struggles.

I at least hope she gets her journey.

- 9. Graysen

Graysen was an ass for breaking the engagement of like a toddler, that’s it – end of the song. If he would have told Elain he couldn’t trust her bc she lied to him – ok.

But the tune makes the music! Keep that in mind,Nolan!

- 8. Rhysand

Now Rhysand is to me a character who tip toes on a two sided blade.

I normally do like him, he is kind and caring and no doubt would die for the people he loves, but he has a very, very hard time separating work from private life. The example I’ll go with is the big bad magical solstice. He might have claimed that the kiss between Elain and Az could have invoked a blood duel, if Lucien would have notice, possibly even provoking a war between Night and Autumn (work) but his ulterior motive were Feyre and Nyx, no one blames him for that, but it is a private reason and excuse he should not use while speaking as the High Lord.

And again, when Az starts doubting the Cauldron with choosing the wrong mate for Elain, Rhys assumes it is just lust speaking from Az and commands him as the High Lord to stay away from Elain (low blow of assumption, but not my point) while he then offers to pay for the pleasure halls Azriel could possibly seek out (according to him). With what money would he have paid it, his own (private) while he was speaking as the High Lord, or the exchequer (work)?

You see my point? Anyway Rhys is a loving character, but he is just a bit troubled ruling an entire court (this huge) and having a family to take care of. Perhaps he is having it settled in a few years, but until then we will just have to wait and see.

- 7. Cauldron

I don’t really know if you can call the Cauldron a character, but I just placed it here as I hated how it had humiliated Nesta and Elain.

The bloodshed it caused was also nothing I ever want to mention again.

- 6. Attor

Now just the Rainbow and the attack on Velaris, just this, nu-uh man.

- 5. Amarantha

I hated her for killing innocent fae, enslaving High Lords or in general and setting up ‘riddles’ (games) in which the life of helpless fae was depending on a human who could barely safe herself with a bargain. Something I also kind of take personal is how she treated Jurian, I mean ok – he deserved a punishment, but like setting him in chains and having him barely at the minimum of survival would have been also fine.

- 4. Ianthe

Just the Suriel! This was when I took things personal! (I’ll add an 11 to the list above – I loved the weaver!)

- 3. Luciens Borthers

Luckily, most of those little shits got what they deserve.

I don’t grow up in a family very high in statues, so I don’t know how it is, but no matter if poor or rich – siblings should fight together instead of against each other! And most definitely not kill the female their brother loved!

- 2. Beron Vanssera

I hate him for having hesitated saving Rhys, watching how his sons treated Lucien and how he could possibly let anything as terrifying, as what had happened to Mor, happen. Also – it’s just the way how he treats his wife!

Someone really hadn’t drunken his ‘respectful juice’, for the last fucking Millenia!

- 1. /

I don’t really despise a character entirely, as I know each and every one has a bright and dark side of the coin (Still trying to find the bright side of Luciens father and brothers though)

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julemmaes · 4 years

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PP Feylin drabble 5.5.2

A/N: I fucking hate Tamlin so much, I swear.

This is what happened when Elain and Lucien left Tamlin’s place the night of his birthday. There’s a very short Nessian appearance at the end, which kinda warmed my heart but TW FOR ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP AND DOMESTIC VIOLENCE for this one. If you’re sensitive when it comes to these things, you might not wanna read it.

ALSO, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR 600 FOLLOWERS I LOVE YOU ALL SO FUCKING MUCH IT PAINS ME

Fic masterlist

Word count: 2,555

Feyre had no idea what was going on until Tamlin slammed the door of his room behind her, almost hitting her head in the process. She tore her arm out of his binding grip, giggling, "Are you serious right now?" she asked while her boyfriend threw her shirt at her chest. She staggered backwards, not so much for the force of the gesture, but more for the surprise.

Tamlin didn't seem to like the joking tone she had used so much, because he erupted, "You're asking me if I'm serious?!"

Feyre stepped toward the wall, leaning with her shoulder against the bricks for support. She just had to let him yell for a few minutes and then she could apologize to him. Maybe if she played her cards right, he wouldn't even stay angry for too long, so she could get something out of it too.

Maybe she wouldn't come, as she hadn't come in the last years of their relationship, but at least she would have had fun and felt something. And he's leave her alone for a while after that.

The man swelled his chest, dragging his hands up, "You were getting naked in front of Lucien!"

She shrugged, slurring her words, "It's a stupid game, Tam. I wouldn't have gotten so far as to get butt naked in front of him." And then, smiling amidst all that alcohol, she added, "I have some respect for myself, you know."

Tamlin contracted his jaw, "Do you even know what that word means?" a vein popped off on his forehead and Feyre had to control herself so as not to burst out laughing in his face. All that wine was coming up to her head way faster than anticipated, so much that she didn't realize what was going on around her. Tamlin took a step towards her, his eyes lit up with anger, "Cause it certainly doesn't seem like it to me. You definitely have zero for our relationship! For me!"

She snorted, shaking her head, "That's not true."

He opened his eyes wide, clenching his fists, "Oh, so it's completely normal to humiliate me in front of everyone-"

"Everyone?" she interjected him.

Tamlin moved so fast that Feyre didn't even notice how close he'd got until she felt a strong pressure on her right forearm and, looking down, saw his hand squeeze her naked skin. He got close enough, that when he spoke, Feyre smelled the alcohol in his breath, "Don't. Interrupt me."

She tried to free herself from his grip, tugging at his arm, but he didn't let go. "Let me go." she seethed, and whatever Tamlin saw on her face convinced him to lift one finger at a time. Her hand snapped on the sore spot, massaging it, "There were literally only three people in the room. One of them was you, who see me naked every single day, another was Elain, with whom I still shower sometimes, and Lucien. Fucking Lucien, Tam," she said.

He squinted his eyes, "Then I'm supposed to accept the fact that you wanna be a whore in front of him, just cause you've known him your whole life?" he fumed, pacing back and forth, while looking her straight in the eyes.

Feyre didn't believe her ears and pushed herself off the wall, opening her mouth and closing it several times, "A whore!?" she gasped, "This isn't any different than going to the beach and wearing a bikini in front of him."

Tamlin laughed, bewildered, "Now you wanna do that too?" he shouted. He pointed at her and stopped in the middle of the room. He looked her in the eye with an angry expression, handing himself on the face, "God, you're driving me crazy.

"I've never said that." Feyre was also getting angry and slowly, her dream of being able to turn the evening around at her own convenience was getting further and further away, "And you don't get to yell at me like this. You owe me an apology." she demanded, crossing her arms on her chest and biting the inside of her cheek.

Tamlin burst out laughing. Sincere laughter. He left the room, returning to the kitchen. Feyre followed him with her mouth wide open, her arms dangling against her hips as she tried to keep her balance.

God, how much had she drunk?

She saw him pour himself a glass of wine and when he looked at her, with that stupid idiot smile that she hated so much, Feyre leaned her hips against the table, nodding her chin to make him talk.

He scoffed, stunned, "You're not joking."

"No, I'm not joking Tamlin!" she exclaimed, feeling the nervousness floating in her veins while a wave of dizziness forced her to close her eyes. Then she raised her voice more, trying to prove her point, "You just called me a whore. I won't let that pass."

Tamlin did not seem to like the memo of what had just happened and he also screamed, making two stride in her direction and bending forward, until he was at eye-level, "Because you were acting like one!"

Feyre drifted away, struggling to breathe, "I was playing a stupid fucking game."

He groaned, clenching his first tight around his glass, "Still you-" he opened his arms as he snapped, slamming on the edge of the table violently, shattering the glass in his hand. Feyre took one hand to her mouth, startled, when Tamlin screamed, "Fuck!"

She bent down on her knees, the fog of alcohol that had clouded her vision until then slowly dissipating. She was about to grab one of the biggest pieces of glass when she heard him grunting in pain.Her gaze sprang upwards, toward his face, twisted in a grimace, "Tamlin..."

He hit her hand with the tip of his shoe, "Leave it."

Feyre shook her head, resuming to pick up the pieces of the glass, while she felt tears forming in the corners of her eyes. Willing her voice to sound steady, she murmured, "I'm gonna clean that up."

"I SAID LEAVE IT!"

The burst of anger frightened her so much that she pulled herself up off the ground immediately. Standing in front of him, she could see him squeezing what was left of the glass in the palm of his hand. "Please, just put it down. You're gonna hurt yourself." she whispered, with one hand on her chest and one outstretched towards him.

He snapped forward, clutching the glass between his fingers, letting the glass tear the skin and the blood flow freely. "SEE?! THIS IS WHAT YOU TO ME!" he screamed, pushing his red, dripping hand toward her. Feyre stepped back, suppressing a hiccup. "THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT. YOU MAKE ME LOSE MY MIND AND THEN I DO SHIT LIKE THIS AND I HURT MYSELF BECAUSE YOU'RE SO FULL OF YOURSELF YOU CAN'T EVEN SEE YOU'RE HARMING OTHER PEOPLE."

Then, the dam that had blocked the crying until that moment, collapsed and her vision fogged up again, "Please Tam, I love you. Just put it down and I'll clean up."

She took a hesitant step towards him, taking his bloody hand between hers and spreading his fingers one by one. She led him toward the kitchen sink, as his labored breath echoed in her ears, "Stop crying." he ordered.

And she tried, she really tried. And when a loud hiccup burst from her lips as she scratched the blood from his fingernails, Tamlin puffed and shoved her with the hip, pushing her away from him.

She wrapped herself with her arms, not realizing that she was getting blood on her bare skin.

Tamlin turned towards her, turning off the faucet and taking a deep breath, "Feyre you need to understand that we're two in this relationship and you can't do whatever you feel like doing whenever you want. You need to show me some respect."

She nodded faintly, closing her eyes slightly, "I know, I'm sorry."

He looked at her with such intensity, that Feyre's knees almost gave out beneath her when he said, "You need to leave."

Her hands fell down on her hips, thinking she misunderstood, "What?"

"Go home, I need to be alone."

She knew he wasn't kidding. That when he said he wanted to be alone, she shouldn't interfere.

Whispering, with fear about the reaction she might provoke in him, "I don't have any money." She hadn't brought any cash with her and taking a cab from here to her home would have cost her more than twenty euros.

He did not answer her, but went to his room and came back with her shirt in his hand. He didn't even look at her while picking up the sweater she'd taken off during the poker game and threw it all back at her, saying, "You drove here."

"Tamlin," she said baffled, "I'm drunk."

He swirled around, threateningly closing in and pushing his forehead against hers, "I don't care!"

Feyre emitted a frightened sound as she closed her eyes, holding her breath as she waited for him to hit her - to release all that pent-up anger on her and raise that open hand to crush it against her cheek. She only opened her eyes again when Tamlin pulled away, suddenly looking tired, pointing to the door of his apartment, "Just get out of my house."

Feyre quickly put on her clothes, feeling a vague pain in her arm as she lifted it to let the shirt slip on her, and shook her head, trying to talk some sense into him. If she had stayed there, if she could convince him to let her stay, she could have done something for him to make it up to him. She put her hand on his back, trying to calm him down, "Tamlin please, it's freezing outside and-"

He interrupted her, hitting her arm and striding towards his room, without even looking her way, "Feyre get the fuck out of my house."

And Feyre did. She winced at the sound of his bedroom door slamming, but she swallowed her tears and headed towards the exit in silence. She passed by the mess of glass and wine on the floor and sighed trembling, bending over and picking up every piece, drying the floor and the table, scratching away the blood from the cracks in the parquet wood and making sure there was nothing left, no evidence of what had happened.

She looked back one last time, before grabbing her bag and her jacket and going down the endless stairs to the parking lot, where her very-old-mini-two-seater car was waiting for her. She sat down, taking the steering wheel in her hands and forming white clouds with each breath taken. She giggled at that sight and then burst into tears, her body shaken by violent sobs that prevented her from breathing properly.

It was all her fault, she knew.

If only she hadn't drunk so much.

If only she hadn't thought that playing strip poker was a good idea.

She had ruined the evening for everyone.

Tamlin was right. She had upset and disappointed him. And someone had ended up getting hurt.

***

She woke up from the cold, almost three hours later. Looking at the clock on the radio she saw that it was shortly after two o'clock in the morning.

She sat up, grunting when a twinge of pain ran through her entire body. Her back creaked when she stretched and she cursed, feeling the cold pierce her skin. Sleeping in the car had not been the best idea, but the only other option would have been to seek shelter at the boys' house and at that moment Feyre could not even imagine how Azriel and Rhysand would have reacted if she had shown up at their house in the middle of the evening.

Frustrated, she tried to push the button to turn on the heat for the millionth time, finding it still not working. She clenched her fists, feeling her finger joints screaming in pain.

At least now she was no longer drunk and could drive. She rearranged the seat so that it was in the sitting position and started the car, heading towards home.

As soon as she was in the stairwell, the heat there was enough to make her teeth stop chattering and her legs stop shaking. She went up as fast as her frozen knees would allow and thanked her sister Nesta, when she entered the apartment, for keeping the heat on all day.

This fall, Velaris was doing her very best to show just how cold she could get.

She tiptoed to her room and felt her stomach twitch when she walked past Elain's and saw it empty. She was about to enter the bathroom adjacent to her room when she saw movements at the end of the corridor and noticed that the door to Nesta's room was open.

As she approached to close it, she was able to distinguish two figures lying on the bed above the blankets.

Cassian was holding Nesta close to his chest, one hand in her hair and the other around her waist. Legs intertwined with the other's. Her sister kept her arms at her chest, between her and Cassian, but Feyre had never seen her sleep so relaxed in all her life.

A twinge in her heart made her take an abrupt breath.

It must have been louder than she thought, because Cassian moved on the bed and opened his eyes wide, spotting her at the end of the bed, "Jesus Christ Feyre."

Nesta moved next to him, only to push her face even further against his chest. Cassian's gaze shifted to the woman crouching over him and the hand he held in her hair slid lower, surrounding her back with both arms to hold her tighter.

He looked back at Feyre with weary eyes, raising an eyebrow lazily. The girl brought her hands to her mouth, trying not to talk too loud, "I'm sorry I didn't mean to wake you up."

He shook his head to make her understand that it wasn't a problem, then asked her, "What are you doing here?"

"Oh, um..." Feyre didn't know if he was referring to the fact that she was there in the middle of Nesta's room watching them sleep like a freak or the fact that she was back home when she was actually supposed to stay at Tamlin's for the night.

He must have sensed something was wrong, because his next question was, "Are you okay?"

Was she okay? No, at that moment she was the furthest thing from okay that could exist, but she looked at the couple in front of her and smiled, thinking that if they could get through their fights, why should she and Tamlin be any different?

She was quick to answer, "Yeah, yeah, just a little hangover."

Cassian frowned, "What time is it?"

She shook her hand mid-air and gave him a shy smile, "Go back to sleep, Cass."

He sighed, slumped again and murmured a slight, "Yessir."

She snorted and closed the door to the room, looking forward to the time when she and Tamlin would also come to peace and she could finally relax in the arms of the man she loved.

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highqueenofelfhame · 4 years

Text

acowar reread thread

so i think i’ll update this post every few chapters unless anything super major happens that i want to immediately react to, that way you get my commentary but i’m not totally flooding and flooding and flooding your feed with a super super long post. i think i’m going to edit it under the cut and reblog it every time it gets updated and i’ll also number every update so it’s easy to find where i left off. if you guys prefer the other way i’ll transition back to the other way for acofas.) this is super fun i’ll start doing this for more books if you’re interested, including books i read for the first time. (after acofas, crescent city is next and it’ll be my first time reading it!)

UPDATES UNDER THE CUT.

1) chapters 1-5 I’ve read up through chapter five and so far my favorite thing is just how DONE feyre is with literally everyone in the spring court. the amount of times she’s had to like look away and not roll her eyes is just hilarious, her dry inner monologue, she just made a comment about having to remind herself to laugh and not strangle tamlin while they were dancing at the summer solstice and it just is so funny to me.

i miss rhys. but the few times they’ve spoken through the bond is enough to tide me over. he told her he loved her once and i sighed out loud. i’m such trash for this bitch.

feyre hijacking the summer solstice ceremony is COMEDIC GOLD. like you kNOW ianthe was fuming and furious and trying to save face the best she could but like hats off to feyre man. her character development from book one to where we’re at in book three is fantastic. she’s not a simpering little girl anymore, she’s a bad bitch and she kNOWS she’s a bad bitch and it’s just.. fucking great.

i also, as much as i don’t want to, feel for lucien A LOT. i think a lot of his behavior is heavily influenced by how he’s been treated by tamlin for most of his life and i feel genuine remorse from him and the fact that he can like tell something is up but isn’t saying anything just shows, to me anyway, how much remorse he’s genuinely feeling.

also alis knowing that something is up is just a testament to how attentive she is as a faerie and a friend and i really love that about her.

“I was the nightmare” YAS BITCH. FUCKIN YAASSS.

2) chapters 6-10 feyre is so goddamn clever. the entire time she’s bringing down the spring court she’s witty and fierce and clever and really just iS THAT BITCH, HUH?

i don’t like jurian but the fact that he still has compassion within himself for his kind despite being literally insane for being just AWAKE and aware for like 500 years is... nice and pleasantly surprising because i feel like you wouldn’t think that of him being that he’s siding with hybern so that he thanked feyre when she tried to get the children of the blessed out of there... i don’t know why i’m bringing this up, it’s just something that stuck out to me and that jurian also vouches (to feyre) about rhysand’s character and how decent of a person he found him to be. it’s just very interesting and i feel like speaks leaps and bounds about rhysand as a person.

feyre pushing tamlin to explode again... just CHEF KISS. like she really thought of everything. she thought of everything to internally make his sentries doubt him and then completely hate them by orchestrating the ianthe vs sentry debacle. she made herself seem very compassionate and kind and and showed tamlin and ianthe for what they were by doing genuinely so little. like all she did was make them show their true colors on their own and it didn’t take tOO much manipulation. idk feyre is just incredible in the spring court.

forcing ianthe to hurt herself and molding her mind to make her think she’s always afraid is so much better than just outright killing her.. (if i remember from my last read, it doesn’t hold up, but the thought is there and it’s genius) I also think that this shows a lot about feyre and her character because despite everything she couldn’t just leave lucien alone with ianthe and the unwanted advances. she stayed and fought for her friend (and by extension her mate) even when lucien wouldn’t really fight for her and so feyre is just a fuckin real one like... she’s the kind of friend that you want in your corner.

killing the hybern twins: glorious. such badassery from lucien and feyre both.

and i think it’s nice that she let lucien come along with her on her journey back to the night court despite maybe not wanting to but i also think that she knew if she left him behind he could get in serious trouble or wind up dead and so again, i think it says a lot about her character as a person.

3) chapters 11-15 i’m kind of reading and recapping every 50 pages or so which typically ends up being 4-5 chapters and it’s a good system so far so we’re gonna keep it up!

the first thing of like, real substance to comment on is lucien saying his father will kill feyre for wielding his power but feyre just responding with “he can get in line.” like her sass is sO GOOD In this book, especially in the spring court chapters.

uhhh big fuck you to eris, i don’t know why people want him to have a redemption arc, he is literally a fat sack of shit that deserves to burn and i’m not sorry for saying so. he’s abusive and cruel and doesn’t deserve like, anything at all. although i will say good on him for balking a bit when feyre revealed she’s high lady.

CASSIAN AND AZRIEL SUPERHERO LANDING ON THE ICE AND KICKING ASS!! I remember vividly the relief i felt when cassian showed up and was able to fly and i still felt so much victory when it happened again. it’s one of my favorite moments of the book so far and just really gets me. also feyre just dropping the “I’m high lady of the night court” bomb is DELICIOUS and i can’t get enough. i read it like six times. because you know as soon as the illyrians yielded to her that the autumn bitches were like “shit.”

“My love.” kILLS ME. you guys, i’ve only read this book once but i’ve reread their reuniting multiple times because it’s just so soft. rhys is so goddamn soft. he loves her so fucking much. i want rhys to call me my love and lick my tears away. goddamn.

something i think about a lot is how in acotar when tamlin had feyre alone after months of torture he just tried to fuck her despite knowing things weren’t safe. however, knowing she was home and safe, rhys didn’t try for that immediately. like yes, they kissed, but there was so much conversation before they fucked that it just, says a lot about their relationship. tamlin also always demanded to know everything about feyre’s visits as soon as she was back, not even bothering to kiss her hello but rhys was like ‘that shit can wait’ AND THEY’RE ABOUT TO GO TO WAR. rhys loves her so wholly that he wanted to make sure she was okay before he ever bothered to ask about the spring court and how everything unfolded the last few weeks. idk i’m trash for rhysand, y’all. let’s make that a shirt.

the way that rhys threatens lucien, “i won’t bother to explain it again, and i will rip out your fucking throat.” is so sexy. like how casual it was, so sexy.#ripmythroatoutrhysand

amren being a bedtime story but irl is just a cranky aunt lmao.

nesta’s ferocity is, yes, frustrating, but also so heartbreaking to me. for a very long time i had a really rough relationship with my sister and i can see my own sister in nesta (who, by the way, would murder me if she found out i said this so, kara, if u see this, i love u endlessly and i love nesta with my whole heart) especially nesta’s behavior more so in acofas which i’ll talk more about when we get there. but i just, i feel for her man. she’s been traumatized and life as she knows it has been ripped away from her and some people respond to trauma with bite. and i know it doesn’t make it right or okay but it still just makes me feel for her.

cassian and nesta’s banter just gODDAMMIT SLAYS ME. i cannot wait for an entire fucking book of this shit and an entire book of their back and forth. i think nesta loves him and doesn’t know what to do with it because she’s scared so she’s acting like a cornered animal. like nesta is a snake that will strike when cornered and threatened and i just god i can’t wait for their book.

elain... broke my heart a lot more than i remembered. as someone in the midst of my worst depression i find myself able to relate to that hollow and empty feeling like...all too well and it struck a cord and i almost cried at how empty she was.

4) chapters 16-29 there is the whole meeting at amren’s apartment and cassian defends nesta, saying that he understands her actions, her snark, why she is the way she is, and it just honestly reinforces my love for cassian. i don’t have much to say about it but that i just really love the respect that he has for others. more cassian things: feyre brings up again how even broken and literally bleeding out and on the ground with his wings completely shredded he was still crawling toward nesta and reaching for her and trying to get to her. “because i can’t stay away.” fucking cracks my heart open every time.

i love everything about the first family dinner back together. i love all the banter, i love that nesta sat in and even contributed to dinner conversation a little bit. lucien being so uncertain of the dynamic is hilarious. amren like opening herself up in a way to nesta and telling her that they’re the same, and to make sure her eruption is felt across worlds, i love it. i’m marking a lot more from amren than i thought i would. cassian at one point, he points to az and says “don’t try to blend into the shadows” and it actually made me chuckle to myself because hE DOES THAT. and it’s funny that cassian calls him on it.

i don’t think nesta gets enough credit (for like anything, we all been knew i’m a slut for her and stan her with my life) but even as broken and angry as she was she did still offer to help explore magic that she doesn’t want and got as a result of trauma so that she can try to help. she isn’t completely useless. and i like that she has backbone and isn’t just a pushover little bitch. (that isn’t directed toward elain. like i previously mentioned, i’m finding that i relate a lot to her in her current state.) i just mean that i’m glad she sticks up for herself and doesn’t just like, do what people tell her to do. ya know?

rhys being so open to feyre pushing back on him about things like, again man. tamlin erupted and got angry, rhys is like “hell, i deserved it.” just, the differences in their relationships and the toxicity that comes from tamlin and the devotion rhys has for feyre is (say it with me) DELICIOUS.

i also like that just because feyre is high lady that the IC doesn’t just like flop over and bend down and take shit (i’m looking at you, spring court.) like cassian isn’t afraid to be like “you pissed me off by sacrificing yourself.” because he cares. LIKE, AGAIN WITH HIS DEVOTION. his loyalty is just so pure. it isn’t blind but it is pure and i just, god i love it.

also everyone forgets that azriel has a dry ass sense of humor and i don’t see any of y’all writing it into your fics. “In order to fly, you’ll need wings” he said drily. IT’S DELICIOUS. dry humor is some of the best. and i like that feyre is learning more and getting to spend more time with him.

5) chapter 20-27 this one will be a bit of a dump because i accidentally read too much today so far to try to catch up from my lack of reading yesterday so... oops.

“Let’s see what names you call me when my head is between your legs, Feyre darling.” ugh. i wish a mans would say that to me. not really. i wish rhys would say that to me and only rhys. maybe rowan. or aaron warner. or cassian. or -- you get it.

amren is SO FUCKING FUNNY without doing it on purpose. like genuinely hilarious. “she’s fine. stubborn as an ass, but as you’re related, i’m not surprised.” rOAST THEM. also amren makes nesta almost smile and she makes her laugh all in the span of like ten seconds AND nesta almost smiles when amren brings up cassian. coincidencE? i tHINK NOT.

again with rhys soothing her nightmares. like god it’s so good i dont even have to say anything else abt it.

feyre realizing that the bone carver is her and rhysand’s son. SO GOOD. like SERIOUSLY SO GOOD. and this doesn’t matter at all rn but i think that rhysand’s son has the potential to be more powerful than even him but that’s a thing to get into for another time.

EVERYTHING THE BONE CARVER SAYS ABOUT NESTA. also that it’s directed at cassian is very interesting and i think the bone carver knows they’re mates. like i wonder if cassian is seeing what feyre sees: his own son. WOULDN’T THAT BE INTERESTING. “How she calls to you.” also the comment about “what did you wake that day in hybern, prince of bastards?” what did cassian wake. the wording here is interesting and i have... a lot of questions. does anyone else just also really fucking enjoy the bone carver as a character? like he’s excellent i’ve never read anything quite like him.

“nothing about nesta could frighten me” UGH MY NESSIAN HEART CAN’T FUCKING TAKE IT.

also cassian stepping it later when nesta is furious with rhysand about the flying. like, one when he sighs and says she’ll never fly again is just... funny and adorable but how nesta was charging for rhys and he casually stepped in front of her and he talked her down. “It was amren’s fault, of course, but no one believed me. and no on dare banish her.” like just babbling a bit to bring her back down to earth. absolutely fascinating and delicious that it worked, wouldn’t you agree? ;)

court of nightmares is always a pleasure. fuck eris.

also later at the town house when amren and mor and rhys are kinda going at it a bit and cassian gets nesta’s attention and nesta sidles over to him without questioning it... like. god if they aren’t endgame i’ll never read an SJM book ever again and i wholeheartedly mean that.

so i’ve seen the posts about amren being an angel i’m not sure if you guys have but yeah i think that’s a really solid theory. i think she very well could be a biblical angel because she mentioned that according to some they were perfect, that they laid waste to twin cities (sodom & gamorrah if this theory is correct) and she also mentioned yielding her grace and that she would fall. she also says she was a messenger and soldier assassin for a wrathful god ruling a young world and all of that, in my opinion, lines up with a lot of what is in the bible and what christians believe to be true. so i really really like this theory, i doubt it will ever be outright confirmed, but i think this is going to be my canon tbh.

elain is.... out of her mind. it’s fucking weird everything she says is so cryptic and odd. like it’s just weird. i don’t think she’s insane and i can’t remember exactly where elain’s storyline goes in this book but like... rn it’s just weird and cryptic and a little unsettling and also interesting that she only really responds directly to azriel because everyone else she kinda ignores but she talks to him. interesting.

6) chapters 28-49 clearly i accidentally read A LOT so we have a lOT Of ground to cover.

NESTA WAS TOTALLY CHECKING CASSIAN OUT AND THAT’S ALL I HAVE TO SAY ABOUT THAT.

azriel has fucking jokes, man. page 303 (hardcover us edition) “That pine tree wasn’t there a moment ago.” “Judging by its size, i’d say it’s been there for ... two hundred years at least.” feyre even notes that he has a dry sense of humor and it comes out more when they’re alone. i can’t get enough of it. i wish he talked more.

“Cassian finished the muffin, licking his fingers. I could have sworn nesta watched the entire thing with a sidelong glance. He grinned at her as if he knew it too.” i just love nessian so much i’m going to point out all of their cute reactions this is turning more into a nessian reaction thread SUE ME.

I think that nesta has a lot of regret and guilt over her life.over how she treated feyre because it comes out when nesta brings up to feyre that she didn’t know she couldn’t read (and again at the high lords meeting when she says they would have starved if it wasn’t for her.) i think she feels deeply and just doesn’t know what to do with it, doesn’t know how to express it.

When they almost get taken in the library, and cassian gets there and nesta “launches herself at him.” my heart. she was scared and she didn’t care she was just so relieved. like fuck me up that’s the shit i like.

nesta asking where cassian is the moment they get back from the battle in adriata and she was worried and scared for him. later when she does see him i think this is when the mating bond clicks into place. it’s page 398 and she says “You didn’t come to -” and then cuts herself off. they have a really fucking intense moment. cassian takes her hand and laces their fingers and they don’t really say anything for a beat until he says “Next time, emissary, i’ll come say hello.” but his voice is low and rough when he says it. “The world seemed to go utterly still at that interrupted sentence, nothing and no one more so than cassian.” i think this is when it clicks for him. maybe not for nesta but definitely for cassian.

RHYSAND RIPPING TAMLIN’S ABILITY TO SPEAK AWAY LIKE YES WE STAN A MOTHERFUCKING KING. fuck tamlin. fuck eris. and fuck beron. also nesta defending cassian in the high lords meeting (page 438, because beron calls him a bastard.) again, i’m just saying, she’s defending her fucking mate i can’t deal. feyre also exploding in the meeting and rhys just being like “You’ve proved your point, my love.” SO DELICIOUS. “I made her high lady because i love her. her power was the last thing i considered.” like fucking hELL that is how you treat your woman.

after the meeting, helion being like “You handing eris’s ass to him will be my new fantasy at night, by the way.” DELICIOUS. fucking hilarious. 10/10 recommend helion as a high lord and a mans we love to see it.

also cassian being so concerned when nesta starts to have that feeling about the cauldron being used before the wall gets shattered.he didn’t doubt her feelings for a second, i mean no one did, but he was completely unyielding when he sensed her fear and immediately looked for any sign of an immediate threat.

nesta saying she’s never worn pants and cassian saying “i have no doubt you’d start a riot if you did.” he’s thinking bout that ass. also cassian giving her a quick lesson in defense before they yeet off to the human lands to see graysen and his family. IDK I REALLY LOVE NESSIAN OKAY?!

7) chapter 50-the end. i accidentally finished the book. oops.

super intersted in nesta’s powers and if she is a witch. i can’t remember acofas at all and if nesta’s powers manifest in that book but i’m eager to see if the fracturing of the cauldron didn’t effect whatever powers she took from it. i think that could also be part of what ultimately is wrong with her on top of all the trauma.

nesta helping cassian after that first battle when his wrist is hurt. she didn’t take no for an answer and helped him and it was just really soft until mor showed up and cassian pulled his hand away. i’m conflicted about what it means to be totally honest. what it means for his feelings for nesta and what it means where mor is concerned. i don’t love how morrigan treats nesta and cassian’s... relationship? but i don’t dislike mor. i think she’s dealing and coping and has her reasons that we will likely find out about.

“Only you can decide what breaks you” is something i’d like to get tattooed. i dont really have anything else to add to it.

i was sobbing during rhys’s battle speech to everyone. i dont rlly have anything else to say about it other than i’m emo.

nesta saving cassian. again i don’t have shit to say about it other than like it makes me so emotional. she just started blinding screaming, hoping that he would come. i can’t even begin to think what his death would have done to her.

the bone carver smiling at feyre before he did hits a very specific piece of my heart and i’m not sure why or what but i had chills all over my body.

cassian telling rhys to let him return the favor/repay the debt. HURT. another thing i cried over. like shut the fuck cassian AIN’T NOBODY DYIN TODAY.

tHE Nessian moment to end all nessian moments when they would die together. like big fucking wow. you can’t tell me they’re not mates. that they don’t love each other despite how complicated all of it is. like cassian is so soft in the most unique way for her because he knows she bites and he lets her and he bites back and i just think it’s what he needs.

“tell the high lord to leave out a cup for me” AMREN SHUT UP. like fucking christ i teared up then too because i really really love her character. she’s unique and funny and dry and cranky and i just love her so much.

i’m tired of rhys sacrificing himself. there, i said it. i cried like a fucking baby and of course he woke up being a snarky little shit.

i love the end of this book. i don’t know what i’ll do with myself until january when the next one comes out. i’ll probably go back to the other format for my next read through because it’s easier and less longwinded and i think you guys liked the other way better. anywho, thank you for coming along on this lil journey!!

#acowar #acowar reread #acotar #acomaf

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