#You're not even good at being an evil minion

[glittery-ishfish]

Needlessly Long and Dramatic APH Belarus Slander

A/N: Just to clarify, I am NOT at all referring to the REAL COUNTRY of Belarus. The citizens of Belarus are already trying so hard to fight, literally risking their lives, for freedom and national identity. I am not about to ignorantly hold an entire country accountable for what their government and dictator do and have done, especially since people are dying trying to fight for basic human rights.

This is about HETALIA’S Belarus. SPECIFICALLY Hetalia’s Belarus as a PERSON, not as a nation. As I said in one of my first posts, there’s not nearly enough slander of this depiction of Belarus. And when there was, it was for the wrong reasons (“she gets in between me and my ships”). This has been festering inside me and I need to let it all out.

And do keep in mind that this is APH Belarus slander. This is my opinion. It's in the title. Don't like it? Then move on. I don't care, I don't wanna hear it.

And if you stayed, I hope you're ready because I'm about to spill my angry guts out😃👍

Hetalia’s Belarus is a terrible person and a poor, insulting personification of the country.

How?

Let's see, uh…

She bullies, deliberately ignores, and is overall a complete cow to her older sister because she falsely assumes that Russia wants to marry her instead.

Is needlessly hostile and rude to everyone, regardless if they mean well.

Threatens and curses people who disagree with, or even question, Russia because "how dare they have an opinion".

Gets angry when Russia talks to anyone who isn't her, regardless if it’s for professional reasons.

One of the (many, many, many) reasons why Russia doesn’t have any friends is because she scares people off just to have him all to herself.

Blames other people (especially her sister) for Russia's constant avoidance of her rather than reflecting on her own behavior.

Is weirdly contradictory. She’s been shown actively stalking seeking out recruits to ‘become one’ with Russia but gets all ornery and pissy when said recruits are close to him (like, what did you expect??).

Makes Russia’s life more of a living Hell and even curses him when he outright tells her “no”.

Throws violent temper tantrums when things don’t go her way and destroys things.

Has deluded herself into thinking that Russia does want to marry her and dismisses his fearful reactions as stubbornness/“Tsundere behavior”.

Is completely on board with Russia’s desire to take over the world (which she misinterprets as "turn everyone into big brother’s slaves" rather than Russia’s real intentions [as fucked up and naive as they are], "being friends with everyone").

Has been bullying Lithuania since childhood even though he loves her and has repeatedly broken his fingers and legs.

Has been implied to have done questionable things to the Baltics ("Today, I played around with___. It’s interesting to see what expressions he makes when I do such things to him").

Isn’t above hurting animals. Got into a fight with a cat simply because it was “in big brother’s way”.

Has done an impression of the stereotypical "Imōto-chan trope" in an attempt to "persuade" her brother into marriage (I know it's minuscule compared to what I've already mentioned, but the fact that she just blatantly assumes that Russia is the kind of person who would be into that is just...ew).

Held Liechtenstein in a chokehold when asked to interact with her.

Actually likes her authoritarian jackass of a boss and has made a fansite of him (the only other person she’s done this for is Russia, which is saying a lot).

Silent calls people out of spite.

Has stolen, smelled, and worn her brother's underwear on her head as a nightcap.

Takes invasive photos of Russia without his knowledge or consent.

Constantly ruins and/or breaks down Russia's doors.

Leaves scratch marks on Russia's property as a hobby.

Has indecent, sexual fantasies about her brother.

Has used physical force on Russia (ie. crushing his arm) to get him to marry her and showed zero remorse over hurting him.

Has an entire Hetastagram (Instagram) account called ‘Daily Big Brother’, where she praises, stalks, and publicly posts photos of Russia online without his consent (and I’m willing to bet that some of them were the suggestive ones I mentioned earlier).

Overall, not a good person. A brat, even.

Belarus is one of those characters that I adore aesthetically. I love her design (have you seen her in a ponytail?), I occasionally do voice impressions of her for fun and I’m always ecstatic when I discover canon information about her. Hell, I have an entire document dedicated to canon descriptions of her physical appearance just to cosplay her (I’ve been wanting to cosplay Bela for a very long time).

But at the same time I know for a fact that, if I knew her in real life, I would absolutely hate her guts.

I already don't like her as a person, and I know I said this is about her personality specifically, but I especially don't like her as a personification of a country that's already been going through hell just to keep its independence (and it's even more gross and insulting in real life knowing that it's Russia that's out to take away Belarus' national autonomy).

Belarus' obsession with Russia does influence most of her bad traits. He's not, by any means, a good influence.

However, she fails to recognize his many fatal faults and misinterprets what he wants as malicious world domination and enslavement, which she's concerningly more than happy to indulge.

She sees Russia as this idealized, flanderized version of himself. She sees him as something to praise and revere, as this brooding, merciless god-on-earth who's righteous in every way. To put it into perspective, the way she sees Russia is very similar to how the fandom saw him during the 2010s and sometimes still sees him today.

She doesn't really know her brother or even see him as his own person. Sure, she can name every location he's ever been to, is obnoxiously protective of him, and knows his pinky toe turns red when he's embarrassed, but she doesn't know who he is as a person. His likes, dislikes, what he wants, and especially, what he doesn't want. She likes the idea of him and just makes assumptions from there without any input or consent.

Belarus won't acknowledge it, but to her, Russia is essentially a doll. Just a target. An object to keep, project, and force her affection onto.

And this isn't the same as Russia doing harmful things out of a lack of understanding of how the world works. This isn't the same as Russia being cognitively unaware of everyone's fear of him.

No. Bela knows exactly what she’s doing. She knows better than to be doing what she’s doing. But she indulges anyway simply because she lacks impulse control. And from the looks of it, it's deliberate.

And the worst part about all this? She’s never been held accountable for her actions. Not once does someone reprimand her or call her out for her shitty behavior and, if anything, it’s enabled.

Russia can't bring himself to tell her off or get rid of her (out of both familial love and fear), which only makes matters worse since Bela's fanatical dumbass will only assume that his lack of action means that he approves of her behavior.

But it's not like what Russia does matters anyway because if he even tries to put her down (gently or otherwise) and behaves outside of her idealized version of him, she'll just throw a shit fit and make him more miserable. He's forever stuck in this vicious cycle until he's drained from her antics and finally gives in to what she wants.

And the reason(s) why other people let her get away with the shit she pulls is because:

They're also scared of her.

She’s a female nation, and no one tells female nations what to do.

"She’s just so cute!” (PrettyPrivilege™️).

The closest thing she’s ever gotten to a ‘reality check’ was in that 2011 Halloween comic. When Denmark casually brushes off her usual attempts at intimidation.

And laughs to her face for even trying in the first place.

(Denmark, you’re wonderful, don’t ever change)

Belarus is implied to be lonely and has had a rough upbringing like her siblings, leaving her with a pessimistic view of life and relationships. She's tried to break away from Russia once (I imagine her bosses at the time forced her to) and lived with America, who also got tired of her antics and tried to get rid of her as well. This would explain a lot of her obsessive, co-dependent behavior and, by all accounts, is enough to garner some form of sympathy.

However, the reason why Bela is lonely is that she's actively choosing to cling to one person. She pushes all of her projections and issues onto Russia, further isolating him while not giving a single flying fuck over how her actions affect him and those around her.

And even when there are other people who love and care about her unconditionally (for some reason), she’s dismissive and a complete bitch to them. She takes those relationships for granted and only ever indulges them if it serves some sort of benefit to her (usually as a means of getting closer to Russia).

As if the fact that she's indulging in incestuous fantasies isn't bad enough, she's making active attempts to make them a reality and giving no regard over how her target feels. She takes time out of her day to intentionally hurt others who dare to disagree. The fact that there are other people who care about her and want her to be happy means nothing to her. It's painfully frustrating to watch.

Even traits that should be positive (strength and passion) are manifested in negative ways. She's been noted to be talented and has so much potential. But instead, she chooses to waste said potential in favor of being...this.

So long story short, Belarus is the kind of person who will never be happy. Regardless if she magically gets what she wants in the end.

I've said this before and I'll say it again: I absolutely love it when the fandom goes the extra mile to expand on her character. She's shrouded in mystery and could have at least one positive trait for all we know (unfortunately, that reveal's not gonna happen anytime soon).

I typically don't care for headcanons and this is one of the few exceptions. It's a breath of fresh air to see different interpretations of her character.

Man, Belarus. You bring out the worst in people.

And you're not putting in any effort to change that. To be a better version of yourself. Have you any self-respect?

So you must be happy with where you are. And if that's the case, then why should I, or anyone, feel bad?

I guess I see why I should be sorry for you, but I also see no point in wasting sympathy on someone who's content with being a shitty person.

Don't go out of your way to be a petty asshole and this wouldn't happen🤗

So yeah, Hetalia’s Belarus is not just a terrible person, but a poor, insulting personification of the country.

Thanks for coming to my TedTalk.

[firewasabeast]

prompt: something where buck and tommy argue over gerrard. like, buck doesn't know how tommy could have been so passive, and tommy's like way over that version of himself or something. I know a lot of people don't want that to happen in the show, and I get it, but I'd like a fic version!

“I have never, in all my life, dealt with someone so- so... so evil!” Buck was pacing back and forth in Tommy's living room, just as he'd been for the last half hour since he arrived.

“Really, Evan? Never?”

“You don't understand, Tommy. Gerrard is, it's like he's targeting me, but not in a bad way.”

“There's a good way to be targeted?” Tommy asked from his spot on the couch.

Buck sighed, placing his hands on his hips. “It's like he- he wants us to be buddies, ya know? He thinks I'll be his puppy or something. H- He's treating everyone else like garbage except for me and it makes me feel really weird. He took me golfing, Tommy. Golfing.”

“You fit his ideal firefighter, Babe. He needs minions, he's gonna latch onto you.”

“What do you mean his ideal firefighter? What even is that?”

“White, strong, straight,” Tommy replied simply.

Buck raised an eyebrow. “What we did yesterday morning was very not straight.”

“Yeah, but does he know that?”

“Does he know what we did yesterday morning?”

Tommy tilted his head. “Evan.”

Finally, Buck plopped down on the couch, staring toward the blank TV. “I figured he knew after we went to the medal ceremony together.”

“It's not like we made out in front of the crowd. For all he knows, we're friends.”

Buck was silent for a moment. “I've never really talked about my personal life with him,” he admitted. “Didn't really want to. N- Not because I'm ashamed or anything,” he added quickly, looking at Tommy with wide eyes. “I'm not. I promise, I- I'm not ashamed.”

“I know, Evan.” Tommy reached over and gave Buck's hand a squeeze. “You're a very good ally.”

He glared at Tommy. “I'll never live that down, will I?”

“Nope.”

Buck grew quiet again, and Tommy was beginning to think the conversation was over.

Then Buck, barely above a whisper, said, “I don't want him to think we're just friends.”

“It's fine if he does,” Tommy replied. “I don't mind. Probably best that way, honestly.”

Buck's eyebrows furrowed. He turned more toward Tommy, his back leaning against the armrest. “What do you mean?”

Tommy contemplated his words before speaking. “Listen, I'm not telling you to be buddy-buddy with the guy. I definitely do not recommend that. I'm also not saying to turn a blind eye to all the crap he pulls. But, why make it harder on yourself?”

“Because it's living a lie, Tommy.”

“It's not lying if you just don't mention it.”

Buck huffed out a breath. “You want me to hide who I am? I distinctly remember that being the reason our first date ended so abruptly.”

Tommy let out a deep breath. “I'm not saying to hide, Evan. And that's not exactly the reason our date ended, you know that. I'm saying if there's been no reason to bring it up so far, why bring it up now? What he thinks about you doesn't matter.”

“It matters to me.”

Tommy squeezed his eyes shut, trying to rid himself of the growing frustration. “So, what? You wanna walk into Gerrard's office and say 'Hey, I'm bisexual by the way. Also, I'm dating that Tommy guy you worked with years ago. You know, the one you made fun of when you saw him at the medal ceremony?' You really think that's the best thing to do?”

“It's better than being his puppet like y-” Buck cut himself off abruptly.

“Like me?” Tommy finished. “That's what you were gonna say, isn't it?”

“Tommy, I-”

“It's true,” he continued with a shrug. “I was his puppet. I did whatever he wanted me to do and I didn't question it. Even after he was going to let me die in that explosion, I still stuck by his side. I don't deny that part of my life, Evan.”

“I wasn't trying t-”

“You know I apologized for all of that well over a decade ago, right? I feel like I remember us talking about that.”

“W- We did.”

“And I would never want or expect you to be who I was. You know that?”

“I know, Tommy, I-”

“And I'd never ask you to hide yourself, because I did that too and-”

“If you'd let me finish a damn sentence,” Buck snapped.

Tommy stopped, stared at Buck with pursed lips. A silent go ahead.

“I don't- I didn't. I... Ugh, Tommy!”

A pause, then. “That's what you needed to let out?”

“God, you're being so annoying right now!” Buck could feel his body getting hot.

“No, I'm trying to stop you from getting needlessly harassed at work.”

“By essentially cutting off a part of myself every time I'm there!”

“Evan, if your sexuality hasn't come up by now I don't see a reason why it ever would! It's not cutting off a part of yourself, it's just existing!”

“But I- I'm getting special treatment because he doesn't think that part exists,” Buck tried to explain. “I don't want to be his right hand man, Tommy. That might've worked for you but it doesn't work for me.” The words came out harsher than he intended. He knew it was a low blow to bring up something from so long ago, something long dead and buried. But Tommy had made him upset, and he needed to make Tommy upset too.

Except Tommy didn't get upset. He got quiet.

Somehow, that was worse.

A tension so thick you could cut it with a knife filled the air.

After what felt like an eternity, Tommy stood, letting out a sigh. “I'll be back,” he said, beginning to walk out of the living room.

“What- Where are you going?” Buck nearly shot out of his seat. “Are you leaving?”

Tommy turned back to him. “First of all, my house,” he said, motioning around the room. “Second, I'm going into the kitchen to get a drink.”

“Well, I- do you want me to leave?”

“I didn't say that, Evan. I mean, I'm not gonna block the exit if you wanna go, but I prefer to finish the arguments I get involved in.”

Buck sat back down. “Then I'm staying.”

“Good. You want water or something?”

Buck folded his arms over his chest. “With ice.”

“Okay.”

A couple of minutes later, Tommy returned with two cups of water in his hand. He held Buck's out to him, Buck taking it with a low, “Thank you.”

“Mhm.” They both took a few sips, then Buck stared down at the ice in his cup until Tommy started talking again. “You're not wrong,” he said. “Being his right hand man did work for me for a long time. It's not something I'm proud of, and I don't make excuses for it, but I also don't really appreciate it being thrown up in my face.”

Buck set his glass on the coffee table. “That wasn't fair of me, I- I know that. I was just angry. I'm sorry.”

“I probably should have tried explaining myself a bit better,” Tommy replied. “I'm sorry too.” He set his own cup down, then held his arm out toward Buck. “Will you come here?”

Buck didn't hesitate to move into Tommy's space. He curled up next to him, resting his head on Tommy's chest while Tommy wrapped him in his arms. “I can't help wanting to protect you, Evan,” Tommy said, pressing a kiss to Buck's head. “I know you don't need it, and I know it's selfish, but the idea of you getting harassed by that man for any reason, it- it scares me. I have,” he let out a humorless laugh, “I have never been as brave as you. I still feel nauseous every time I see the guy. But I never want you to feel like I want you to hide yourself, or that I want you to be like me. That's not what I meant.”

Buck ran his hand slowly up and down Tommy's chest. “I know. I- I get it. I've never dealt with a Gerrard before, not directly. Didn't think I'd ever have to.”

Tommy hummed. He ran his fingers through Buck's hair. “I will back whatever decision you make,” he assured him. “Whether you tell him or you don't, I am right beside you. I never want you to think I'm not.”

Buck propped himself up enough to be able to look at Tommy. “I know you are,” he replied, bringing a hand to Tommy's face. He stroked his thumb along Tommy's cheek, then leaned up for a kiss. “That's why I love you.”

Tommy sucked in a breath. His heart began to race. They'd never said those words before. Honestly, Tommy had stopped himself a few times, figuring it was way too soon.

But, as always, Evan burst through every door Tommy had locked up in his mind.

“I love you too, Evan,” he replied, and he hoped Evan could feel just how much he meant those words.

But, in case he couldn't, Tommy pulled him in for another, deeper kiss. Holding him close and tight while he wished they could stay right here in this moment for the rest of their lives.

When they finally separated for some air, Buck sat up straighter. “I'm going to tell him,” he said without an ounce of fear or hesitation. “Maybe not the way you suggested, but I... I want him to know I'm yours, and your mine, and screw whatever he has to say about it.”

And God, if Tommy thought he couldn't love this man anymore than he already did, there went Evan proving him wrong.

He nodded. “Okay.” He brought Buck's hand to his lips, pressed a kiss against his knuckles. “I'm with you. I love you.”

Buck smiled, wrapping himself up in Tommy once again. “I love you more.”

[misseviehyde]

REVERSE THERAPY

Martin had known he was potentially risking his entire career when he agreed to treat his daughter's bully through specialist therapy sessions. He should have announced to her family that he had a vested interest, but Gracie and her rich Daddy had no idea that the guy administering experimental therapy to the bored, spoiled rich girl, might have an axe to grind.

Gracie and Martin's daughter Susan attended the same prestigious school, but whilst the blonde, sexy and confident Gracie was popular and the Head Cheerleader - his daughter was a nobody bookworm. Gracie bullied Susan constantly and Martin was determined to help end the cycle of negativity. After all, he strongly believed in the power of therapy. Gracie was obviously bullying Susan because of her own hang-ups... he could cure her.

Gracie was actually a highly compliant subject and her mind seemed particularly susceptible to his therapy process. Martin was experimenting with a mind melding technology that allowed him to share consciousness with his patient. He was determined to see if he could turn Gracie from being a mean girl into a nice person by examining her experiences and tweaking her personality.

They both lay in Gracie's pink princess bedroom, the mind transfer bands round their foreheads. Deep in a meditative trance, their minds merged and Martin floated inside Gracie's consciousness.

It was a petty, spiteful, narcissistic mind. A mind that hungered for sex, power and constant attention. It was an enticing combination of sharp glittering edges and soft spoiled silk - you could lose yourself in a mind like this.

Deliciously toxic femininity washed over Martin as he tried to absorb Gracie's memories and life story so he could try to understand why she was such a bitch.

He would try to control and alter those memories to make Gracie ashamed of being cruel and evil. He could make her a better person.

Instead, he found himself being overwhelmed and flooded with strong sexual desires as he began to relive memories of Gracie's depraved life and found he enjoyed it.

He groaned and his cock got rock hard, as sensations and memories of being an evil bad girl pulsed through him. Gracie got off on being mean.

His lips curved into a smile as he experienced the memory of clopping through the school halls in high heels, his tight shaven pussy dripping wet as everyone got out of his way. Chewing gum, Martin blew a bubble and giggled. It felt so fucking good to be feared and desired.

These memories felt good, but nothing had prepared him for how much it would turn him on to relive memories and experiences of bullying his own daughter.

Cruel, mean, dominant emotions rushed through him. The way he called Susan a fucking loser, the satisfaction when he saw tears in her eyes. Making her do his homework, spreading rumours about her.

Even hotter memories rushed through his mind. Susan whimpering as he rubbed his pussy in front of her face, his cheerleader skirt hiked up and his minions pinning her arms back as he laughed and squirted all over her glasses and face and made her lick up his cum as he finished orgasming.

"You're a fucking loooooser Susan and that's all you'll ever be. A poor, worthless, pathetic little loser. I'll always be better than you."

Seeing his daughter humiliated and destroyed should have angered and enraged him... instead it just felt so fucking good. Martin had a big smile on his lips, he shivered in taboo pleasure. Being a bully felt good... it made him horny.

His daughter WAS a fucking loser. It felt good to think it... to feel it. His hands clenched and he imagined pink acrylic claws on his fingers. He imagined boys worshipping him, having a tight slutty body.

He wanted it bad.

With a gasp he awoke and ended the therapy session.

***

Martin realised something was wrong but he was now too addicted to stop. The therapy wasn't working right. Instead of making Gracie better, the therapy was making HIM worse.

He now couldn't stop thinking about being an evil teenage bully and destroying his pathetic daughters life. Gracie's cruel and spoiled personality was transferring over to him... and he liked it.

He began to find phrases and idioms that Gracie used were now part of his vocab. An 'OMG', 'loooser' or 'bitch pleeease' would occasionally escape his lips. His physical mannerisms had changed. He was now more expressive with his hands and his lips had become a constant bitchy sneer.

He lay on his bed pumping his cock, imagining he was Gracie. Imagining he was the bully and desiring more.

Each time they had therapy, Martin would now dive into Gracie's mind and let her evil personality wash over him. He sucked it into himself - pushing out his own memories and thoughts to make room for more of Gracie's.

"Yessss, fucking infect me with your bitchiness," he hissed in pleasure as he eagerly fed on Gracie's wicked personality and mentally orgasmed.

"I'm a bitch, I'm an evil fucking bitch" he groaned in his mind, cumming again and again to the sensations of being a tight, bullying slut.

But as the sessions continued and Martin adopted more and more of Gracie's personality and memories he began to notice that she was acting weird too. She began dressing more demurely and her bullying, confident attitude began to fade. She even began to act more friendly towards Susan.

He began to realise that he was somehow draining Gracie's evil mind into himself. The memories, thoughts and feelings he was pushing out to make room were taking hold in her mind. Soon she would be a good girl trapped in a slutty bitch body and he would be a bitchy bully trapped in a mans body. This would never do...

Deactivating all the safeties on the therapy bands, they lay in Gracie's bedroom. Martin moaned as he entered Gracie's mind and felt one last moment of doubt. Could he really take it all? Could he absorb all of Gracie's remaining bitchy mind and BECOME her? Could he slide into this body and be the new driver, leaving her as the controller of his old body?

A memory of Susan, a memory of the love he once had for his daughter almost stopped him. Then an image of Susan kneeling at his feet begging for mercy made him groan in delight and he knew what he wanted.

"Give it all to me you bitch... your mind, your memories, your BODY! Ooooh fuckkkk yesssss!"

The duo convulsed, sparks flying from the transfer bands. Martin screamed in pleasure. He greedily sucked and sucked, drinking in and absorbing all of Gracie's memories. "Yessss I'm mmmmh a bully, I'm hot... I'm a girl! Yessss make me an evil princess!"

Martin's mind warped and buckled. Images of pink lingeire, of shopping with his girls of being a self-entitled brat overwhelmed him as he drew them into himself and pushed out his own memories. His sense of self, collapsed and the new Gracie purred as she felt the last remaining hold-outs of her old personality forced out.

She was a fucking bitch now. She remembered she had once been Martin, but this was soooo much better.

"Yesssss I feel sooo fucking good," she moaned flowing with a wicked grin into HER body. There was another mind in here, but it was weak and she tore it loose- hurling it back into the body she has just come from.

"Hahah fucking looooser," she gloated as she flowed into her body and took control. She groaned as she ripped the transfer band from her head and sat up.

Blonde hair fell around her head... HER blonde hair. She looked down and wiggled her pretty pedicured toes, giggled at the sight of her pert titties on her chest... the feel of her deliciously feminine body.

Gracie could taste lip gloss and smell Chanel perfume. She was all-girl now and she loved it. She was the Alpha Bully now.

"Wh... what did you do?" moaned a male voice and she turned to see Martin groggily rising from his seat.

Throwing the transfer band to the floor, Gracie brought a wedged heeled foot down on the delicate circuits- hearing them crunch and break forever.

"It's like simple loooooser. I'm like totally Gracie now and you're that fucking sad sac Martin. We swapped and if you like ever try to tell anyone I'll fucking destroy you. You like remember just enough I like hope to know I don't make threats."

"You evil slut, you mean I have to be a man? I can't remember anything other than I used to be you!"

"That's like right. Your life, your memories, your soul... they are like totally mine. OMG - you're the Daddy of that fucking loser Susan now."

"Susan... I... I love her?"

"Yeah you do, although part of you still hates and despises her, especially because losing this body is kind of all her fault. Mmmmh in fact, just because we swapped doesn't mean EVERYTHING has to be the same. How about you bully Susan too? Between the two of us we can make her life hell."

Grabbing Martin's cock - Gracie giggled as she began to stroke.

"Ughhhh that feels good. What are you doing?"

"Teaching you how to be a good boy for me. Let me give you some real therapy. This time just using my mouth and my tight body I'm like going to make you HATE your daughter again. I'm like gonna corrupt your soul baby until you're evil again."

Martin moaned as Gracie's pink bubblegum lips slid round his cock and she began to suck. Mmmmh being a man wasn't that bad after all. Under Gracie's tutelage he would learn to be an Alpha man and would soon enjoy the benefits of his new body.

Banging her tight pussy every chance he got would bring out the bastard in him and help turn him against his daughter. Not that she was really his daughter... was she?

Martin was confused - but as Gracie took control of him he realised it was simply easier to let her do the thinking.

After all, she was the trained therapist and SO good at sucking cock...

THE END

[vidavalor]

The Gabriel's Trial Video

Say you're The Metatron...

Why would you send your minion Saraqael to make sure that Crowley was shown the footage of Gabriel's trial and then let him go back and tell everyone about it?

Especially when the only person who comes out looking great in it is Gabriel and the rest of you just look like the evil fucks that you are?

What is the advantage to The Metatron?

It's this bit:

The Metatron knows they'll never convince Crowley that they're not evil (because they are) but if their temptation of Aziraphale is going to be successful, then Satan is going to have to make it look genuine by letting Aziraphale go talk it over with Crowley first.

As we've seen before back in 1.01, Satan can possess and control Crowley against his will if he is able to look at him. He has to be there in the room with him-- and, indeed, he does just that again in 2.06.

He takes over Crowley and tells Crowley that he's The Metatron, which also effectively makes Crowley incapable of considering the idea that this being is anyone but The Metatron for the rest of the season. Satan then has Crowley identify him to the angels as The Metatron-- all of whom cannot recognize him because they are not familiars of The Devil.

The Big Villain Music shows up in the moment that he forces Crowley to stay in the chair and not accompany or follow them so he can tempt Aziraphale:

Like we said, though, in order to have a shot at convincing Aziraphale that he's really The Metatron and that the job offer is real, Satan will have to leave Crowley and Aziraphale alone in the bookshop to discuss it. Satan can watch them-- and does-- but he can't possess and control Crowley unless he's looking at him directly. It's the biggest potential hurdle in Satan and The Metatron's plan. As a result, it matters to Satan and The Metatron what Crowley thinks the risks of the Supreme Archangel position are because if Crowley has a solid argument against that could dissuade Aziraphale, it will be harder for Aziraphale's temptation to be successful.

Showing Crowley the Gabriel trial video was meant to convince him of something that is actually true, which is that the Supreme Archangel position comes with immunity from being sent to Hell. It was to try to allay Crowley's fears about Satan getting ahold of Aziraphale which, as we know, is one of Crowley's worst nightmares-- maybe even his very worst.

Crowley does see that it wouldn't benefit The Metatron to send The Supreme Archangel to Hell... However, Crowley, wisely, doesn't believe that Gabriel's old job doesn't come with immunity from death, though, because his "oh, you are too cute" response to Muriel's whew! reaction to The Metatron's stated punishment for Gabriel was to lightly punch their arm in a way that showed he thought them naive.

Crowley believes that if The Metatron ever got his hands on Gabriel again, he'd try to kill him, but he is convinced from the trial video of the one, true thing that The Metatron's ever really said, which is that it is a political liability for him to keep casting Supreme Archangels to Hell left and right. Doing it once gave him a good story to use to keep the angels in line but more than that and it becomes apparent pretty quickly that The Metatron is the problem and not the angels and that threatens The Metatron's power as it could lead to a revolution.

The Metatron and Satan depend upon one another being in power to keep their own power so they've teamed up for this one so they can get revenge on these rebelling angels and demons and finally get their Armageddon on.

The Metatron is assisting Satan's temptation of Aziraphale by showing Crowley this video.

What our villains have greatly underestimated, though, is Crowley's ability to find something new and terrifying to have an anxiety attack over. They didn't anticipate that he have been stressed half to death for the prior week over a thing that doesn't exist that he and Beez made up ages ago-- The Book of Life. They're just like ok, we showed Crowley the movie, that should do it. They achieved their goal in proving to Crowley that anyone who has the position of Supreme Archangel won't be tossed to Hell because that much is true.

Crowley is just too fixated on The Book of Life being the threat to notice that there's no surety that the job offer itself is genuine.

Between the video and Satan influencing Crowley to believe that he's really The Metatron, Satan and The Metatron have tricked Crowley into believing that the job offer is genuine and that Aziraphale won't be at risk of being tossed to Hell...

...which is pretty ironic, considering that's actually exactly what's happening.

[plump-lips-imagine]

Could we get a part two to the human expert x bowser? The first one was so cute!

ASK AND YALL SHALL RECEIVE!!! (Ya simps.)

Cupid and The Dragon: Second Chapter

A week has passed since that last encounter. Bowser treaded aimlessly in his kingdom looking for you. You weren't in the guestroom he let you stay in, and Kamek didn't know where you were either. With an Irritable look written across his face, he grumbled.

"Stupid Human. Where'd ya go?"

The guards would've found you if he didn't. there was no real reason to find you himself. he could just order someone to do it for him a wait on his throne like a king should... But maybe they wouldn't find you.

He took a pause from moving, his mind racing. Maybe you weren't in the castle anymore. Maybe when you had the chance, you dipped out so you wouldn't have to do these lessons anymore. Maybe you escaped as soon as you saw an opportunity.

Bowser's form began to shake, and his face scrunched up in anger at the possible scenarios. And to think he was starting to get used to you being here! Were you just acting chummy to let down his guard?! Well, two can play it that way. Well, he can just lock you in a cage again when he finds you, you couldn't have gone that far! He just needs to call Kamek and-

"My, My, I see you like strong women, don't ya." Bowser froze at the sound of your voice just around the corner. His head turns as he quietly makes his way to you.

With a turn of the corner, he saw you looking intensely at the Hammer Bros hands, with a gentle gaze as your hands cradled his in such a loving manner. His face was flustered at your insight. Two other bros were looking intensely at the reading being down with curiosity, one shell was a snowy blue, while the other was a fire red.

"Woah, bro. Is that true?" The Ice bro asked.

"H-How did you know?" The Green One asked.

"So, it's true?!" The Red one looked at his bro with excitement.

You giggled at the trio of bros' astonishment. "Hehe, I see a heart that jumps with glee at how fierce she is, with nothing holding her back...And she wields a boomerang. She has a pretty blue shell too. She's a determined spirit, and compatibility wise....." You paused for a second as he gulps. You were getting everything right so far, he was scared that it would be a low percentage.

"98%!!" You exclaim with glee swimming in your eyes. He looks at you shocked. It was that high!?

"Aw sick, way to go bro!!" The fire bro cheered as he puts his bro on the back.

"That's like, nearly soulmate percentage!" The ice bro says with the same enthusiasm.

The now flustered Hammer Bro has a wobbly smile on his face. "Well, what should I do? How do we get together?"

You close your eyes deep in thought and open them up to stare into his eyes. "Ironically, the thing you love about her is the same thing that's keeping her away from you. She's a little afraid that you find her too intimidating. You'll have to make the first move. Just be yourself. I suggest asking her out during training."

"I will!" He says with determination. Hehe, another satisfied customer!

"You got this in the bag!"

"Yeah, you're going to be a number one couple for sure!"

"Thanks guys!"

Aww. It's nice to see that even as minions for an evil king, there is some healthy companionship in the kingdom.

"Yo, Cupid. Can I go next" The fire bro waved his hand excitedly at you.

"Hey! I was here first, so that means I should go first!" Ice bro retorted, raising his hand too.

"Fire beat Ice, Bro. That means I get to go next." Fire bro say with a smug look on his face, pushing him back.

"That has nothing to do with this!" Ice chided back with a scowl, butting up against him back. You and Hammer Bro just look at them with blank looks a y'alls faces.

Well. More or less healthy companionship.

"Well, Well, Well. If it isn't a hallway full of no-good slackers." A Dark Low tone growled, making everyone in the hallway jump a bit. You now just noticed a shadow taking up the light look up to see Bowser, A deep scowl on his face, watching you and the three bros quivering in fear. Huffs of smoke puffed out is nostrils as he peered down at all of you with an intense glare.

"S-Sir, we were just uh...-"

"Good morning, Bowser. Did you sleep alright?" You butted in to try to ease the tension that was created all of a sudden, giving him a warm smile.

His glare only softens a little as he Gruffs at you, but his eyes glare back intensely when he spots the position you were in. Your hands were still cradling the hammer bros' as he shook like a leaf at his boss' eyes being directed at him. A low growl came from Bowser's throat.

He takes a couple of steps in front of you, causing the Fire and Ice bro to quickly move out of them and the Hammer bro to jolt back, releasing his hands from yours. Bowser suddenly grabs you by the waist making you yelp in surprise.

"Human, with me. Now." He then gently but firmly placed you between his arm while glaring at the three fidgety bros. "And you three..."

He stomps the ground loudly. Making everything around them jump. "GET YOUR BUTTS TO THE TRAINING DECK!! I WANT ALL OF YOU TO TRAIN ALL DAY! IS THAT CLEAR!?"

"Y-Yes Lord Bowser!!" They all salute, still shaking in place. Bowser Grunts and turns away with you in tow, still being carried by him.

Sometimes you forget how easy it is for him to carry you. It's almost way like nothing to him. It makes you feel weird how close he has you, being carried like luggage. He had pretty scales. they would glimmer in specific lighting so sometimes it would be easy to miss Them. They shone like diamonds. You didn't really mind being carried like this, because he was still mindful of you, so it wasn't too tight on your body. it was kinda fun.

"Why weren't you in your room?"

"Huh?" You were brought out of your thoughts by Bowser breaking the silence. He struggles to not snap at you for repeating yourself.

"You weren't in your room when I went to get you. Why?" He retorts at you. You look at him as you think of an answer.

"Well, I woke up early so I didn't want to disturb you before you woke up. And I was bored so I decided to do a few love readings for minions that were willing to get one. I guess I lost track of time." You meekly explained. Bowser rolls his eyes and looks back down at you.

"What's the point of me paying for your service if you're just going to give yourself for free? He grumbled. You shook you're head frantically.

"I wouldn't do that! They promised to tell me more about the Kingdom and about its inhabitants. I saw a lot more than regular koopas and goombas and I wanted to hear more from them while you were asleep. I was...a little curious."

"Well, don't do that again. I don't need any of my minions slacking off just for a love reading. That's only for me and I only got it. I ain't paying you to get chummy with anyone else. Got it?" He growled, just thinking about you wasting your time on anyone else but Him.

You frown at this. How are you going to learn now? "I understand...I'm sorry."

Bowser looks down at you and sees your disheartened gaze and his face softens up. a moment of silence happens then he lets out a low breath, one that he didn't know he was holding in his throat. His anger dissipated. He rubbed his hair, struggling to find the words to say.

"After our session, I'll allow you to ask me any questions you have about this Kingdom. Also, I'll let you use our library to learn a bit about the inhabitants. Just stop looking like a kicked puppy."

You look up at him in surprise. " Really!? You don't mind. I won't bother you?"

"If it had bothered me, I wouldn't have proposed it in the first place. You're teaching me about humans so I might as well tell you a thing or two about my minions." He grumbles. Your eyes lit up in excitement.

"Of Course! I promise to not ask too much! You can count on me to work extra hard on teaching you how to love a human!" You beamed.

Bowser felt himself having to control the urge to cover his eyes at the nonexistent bright light around you, his face feeling a bit warm. You were going to be the death of him one day.

***

Both You and Bowser stood in his Private room.

"Peach. I stand here before you for one thing. A chance. Please, let me show you that I can treat you like the Princess that you are and more. Will you go out with me?" He holds out his hand in front of you.

You are back in your peach outfit, with no reaction on your face. You then clear your throat as you prepare your answer.

"No." You said Bluntly.

you see Bowser's eye twitch in frustration, struggling to keep in his true emotions as his body shakes in anger.

"I......I............" He takes in a deep breath, "I......u-understand." he finally force himself to say as he lets out a breath of relief. You smile at him.

"Excellent. You took that rejection like a champ! That's the best one yet!" You praised Bowser, who was struggling on the floor a bit.

You see. Rejection is a part of life for the everyday human. Especially when it comes to love, so we have to accept rejection than refusing to take no for an answer.

This was a struggle for Bowser the most. Every other time y'all would practice with each other, it usually ended with him on a rampage or you ducking for cover from the fire that he spewed. Such Progress!

"Guh...This Sucks. I thought rejection would be easier to handle over time."

"Heh, well don't get to hung up on it. Most humans struggle today to handle rejection, so you're doing a lot better than most. You're doing awesome!"

Bowser stares at you for a moment and gets back up with a smirk on his face. "Heh, of course! I am the king of Awesome. I can handle any obstacle far better than any human. Anyone for that matter!" He puffs out his chest with Pride. you just stare at him.

"Your delivery when asking the question could use some work."

"Oh puh-lease, that was going to make her gush at me, and you know it."

"Eeeeh, gush isn't the word I would use."

Bowser glares at you. But it didn't carry the tone that his usual glares do. This one was in a more playful manner, with a non-threatening tone.

"Oh yeah, you think you can do better?"

"Well, I'm not a love expert for no reason. I am known to be a charmer."

He scoffs. "Alright prove it. Use your charm on me." He stands tall, waiting.

"Alright, Challenge accepted." You say as you clear your throat. a pause was made and then you look at him deep in the eyes.

"My dear King. Your passionate spirit wraps around my soul like a never-ending flame. I may not offer much but my love for you is in full, so please," You brought his claw to your face as your cheek rested on his palm. "won't you let me become yours, my handsome Koopa? And let me break you out of your shell?" You finished, with the gaze of undying love.

K.O.

Bowser felt a critical hit that felt like an arrow to his heart. His face flushing red from the confession and he has to hide his face away from you. Holy Shit. He was this close to putting you in his Treasure vault.

"Damn it.... Well Played."

"Thank You! It's in my nature!" You say playfully.

You get up and take the Peach wig off your head. " That concludes on lesson for today. Only one more lesson to go. You're on fire."

Bowser rolls his eyes but a smile creeps on his face. He couldn't help it. You just have this way of bringing him up in some way. Your good mood is infectious.

As he looks at you and takes off the makeup, his mind began to wonder. You were alone when you were captured here. And you didn't show any signs of missing anyone. Surely somebody like you has someone waiting to go home to, right?

"Say, Cupid."

"Hm?" you hummed, letting him know you were listening.

"Since you're like 'The' Love Expert and everything..., you got a lover yourself?"

You pause and turn to look at him surprised. Silence takes of the room, making Bowser a little uncomfortable. Why did you look like that?

"Nope. Honestly, never had a lover to call my own in a while."

"What? But I thought if anyone were to have a lover, it would be you." He looks at you puzzled, now by your side to look at your face.

Your face had a smile, but your eyes shine solemnly. You sit down, making him do the same.

"Well, I wasn't always the Love Expert that I am today" you admitted. "I've been called a lot of other things before. Witch, Noisy Hag, Perverted Creep, delusional Moron. Turns out, lots of people don't like to be read like a book, even when they ask you to. Ironic Right?"

A pathetic attempt at a joke was made but he didn't laugh. he had to hold down his angry for all the names that people used at you.

"But it's not just that, I grew up around a town where love.... wasn't love. It was mean, bitter, toxic, and hateful. With a town like that; Who needs enemies?" You stood and looked outside, the night sky mixing in contrast with the lava-filled landscape. "But hey! It's not so bad! I was able to get away and bring so many lovers together through hard work. I may not be able to find my own love now, but seeing genuine love around makes it worth it." You smiled at him with a determined look.

He stares at you. He wouldn't say it out loud, but he couldn't help but admire you a bit. Your resolve to help them find love in the unlikeliest place made him...respect? Yeah. It made him respect you.

"And you know what, jokes on that town. They missed out on the most amazing spouse they could ever have, hehe!" You say, with a joke in your tone.

"Yeah, they did." He Concurred, sounding so sincere, which shocked both of you. He thought that he only said that in his head. It made you giggle softly.

"Wow, you're becoming a real charmer!! 10+ Points!"

Oh, Shut Up." He says, grabbing your face playfully in his hand, making you whine at the contact. But he was actually glad. He didn't like that far-away sad look you had. He much rather have you act like a goofball instead. A weird, charming goofball.

***

"Alright, Almost done. tell me the most important things in a relationship?"

Bowser looks at you with a begrudging look on his face. Struggle to say the words out loud.

"Do we really need to do this again? I don't see how this wi-" He stops mid-sentence seeing the expression on your face, one that holds a silent plea to comply. He sighs, his red eyebrows knitted in focus..

"Honesty."

"Okay."

"Communication."

"Good."

"Trust."

"Mhm."

"Safety."

"Great."

"V-Vulnerability."

"And....?"

"Affection!"

"Right! You remembered!"

Bowser was a bit bashful under that gleeful gaze, but it was balanced out by the praise he oh so craved.

"Now. The final element of a Great and Loving relationship is this key factor. It's Respect."

"Huh? Are you sure it's not the ability to give your partner everything you want?' He asked as if it's an obvious question to have. You roll your eyes.

"No, Your Majesty. There's nothing more powerful than having respect for your partner." You think about your words for a minute. " You see, Relationships will have its ups and down. You might like red, she might hate red. She may like apples; you may loathe apples. Sometimes, we can't always agree with our partners or have a different viewpoint, but that's okay. Respect is important because it lets you know that no matter the differences and no matter our disagreements, I will always see you in a positive light. And I would never make you feel less than."

Bowser listen intensely, but couldn't help but quip out, "Stars that was painful to here. That was so corny."

"Hey, I'm letting down some really good advice. C'mon!" You blushed in embarrassment, feeling embarrassed for the way you let out your soul on your teaching.

"Bwahaha! Right, right! I'm sorry. I was just joking." He smirks at you playfully. You huff and then hold out your hands.

"Let's see that percentage, shall we?"

Bowser lets your small hands touch his gigantic ones, seeing you focus at the percentage.

"Congratulations, King Bowser. You are at exactly 50%. Which means my work here is done."

"Only 50%!"

"I'm afraid the other half is Peach. Only She can make it go up now. You are as high as you can get. You are 50/50 percent, which is lucky considering where we started off." You explained.

Steams of frustration come out of his nostrils. "You could've told me this before we did all this." He's silent for a while but then nods. "Alright. So now what?""

"That's for you to decide now. I can give you anymore advice then I already have. I'm done.... Are you still going to keep me here?"

Huh. He hadn't thought about that. If everything is done, then technically he doesn't need you here anymore. Your usefulness has taken its course. And yet. He didn't want you to leave, but he couldn't think of a good excuse to make you stay.

"I guess you have done your part. Your...free to go."

"Really?"

"Yes, really. I've kept you in here long enough. Don't make me repeat myself." he said a little harshly, making you flinch.

'Why did I say it like that?' he asked as he scolded himself for your reaction.

"Well, I guess this is goodbye! Thank you for having me as your teacher. And thank you for the large sum of coins, I'll be able to bunker down somewhere in Toad Town for a while!"

'Bunker down?'

"What do you mean, 'Bunker Down'?" He questions at the bomb you just dropped.

"Huh? Oh, well I'm a traveler. I don't really have a place to call my own yet ever since I ran away. That's why I've been traveling so far to see if anywhere was a good place would be to settle down."

You explain as if it was obvious, but Bowser looks at you in Bewilderment. You didn't have a home? At all!? This is unacceptable!

he grumbles something under his breath.

"Huh?" You didn't quite get that.

"I SAID THAT FROM NOW ON, YOU WILL STAY IN MY CASTLE!!" His voice booms at you while also making the room shake a bit. You stare at him in astonishment.

You both stare at each other for a bit before Bowser clears his throat to calm himself a bit. "Well, if you want to! You've already been here a while and I've grown used to you. The minions seem to like you as well so-"

You cut him off with a hug to his abdomen, making him freeze a bit. Huh, no one has ever willingly given him a hug before. This felt Nice. Really Nice. He almost doesn't want you to let go.

but you do, much to his dismay, but you're smiling at him.

"Thank You! I swear I'll do my best in whatever role you give me!"

He sighs. "Yeah, yeah, worry about that later..." he pets your head softly. But then something comes to mind that he'd never really thought about.

"I've...Never gotten your name."

"Huh?"

"You're name. I can't just keep calling you human and Cupid. What's your name?"

You giggle at this. that's right. You forgot to introduce yourself completely. "My name is (Y/N) (L/N). At your service."

"Well, (Y/n). You're lucky because you're now part of the best kingdom there is!"

"Hehe, Yay." You yawn, feeling sleepiness coming into your body. "I think I should retire for the day. it's getting late. I believe in you, Bowser. You're going to make a princess very happy. I just know it." You exit the room, leaving Bowser by himself, in his thoughts.

Huh. He would've thought he had gotten used to that cheery personality but you still manage to lighten his confidence in ways that his own army couldn't do. He could get used to you having you around. It'll be an adjustment to accommodating a Human, but since he was going to do the same for Peach, doing the same for you wouldn't be a problem. Perhaps even easier.

....

Right the princess. If he really is going to confess to her at the time is right, he might as well do a little practice.

He thinks of ways to compliment Princess Peach. Her Golden hair, the beautiful never moving crown, her beautiful (color) eyes.....wait.

That's not right. he closes his eyes to envision her in his head. Her pink beautiful dress, her elegant posture, the beautiful (color) hair on her, their cute eyelashes, the way they beam at him with no care in the world, their curious nature, the kind eyes when they look deep into his, their cute pout, their soft kissable face, and-

Hold on! Wait a Minute!

Bowser Tries to think of Peach, but the images always become you. You're grace and your smile floods his mind every time he tries to focus.

You! You.You.You.

You.

Bowser's face turns red at a sudden realization he has. Oh no.

'I think...I'm in love with (Y/N).'

[buginateacup]

Thoughts on the new Megamind movie and series

Hello friends it is Bug review time!

I have watched the new movie and show all of one time each. I'm gonna talk about what I liked, what I disliked and some thoughts on the new characters and places where there are cracks in the story to drive a roadtrain worth of fanfic through

A disclaimer before we begin, I am thirty or forty years old and I am not the target audience for this shit. I love Megamind and am a hardcore Megarox shipper and also a world building focused fiend. The original definitely had a broader age bracket appeal but this is a show aimed at something like 6-12 year olds. Therefore for better or worse they had to simplify and audience surrogate the shit out of a lot of this.

Megamind vs the Doom Syndicate

To be honest I think you could skip this and go into the new series cold. It's not a movie its a movie length pilot. It was fine and it definitely smacked of Studio Interference going "But you have to explain and set everything up!" (spoilers you don't). The Doom Syndicate is fun if very kid friendly and I'm looking forward to seeing more of them. Behemoth and Knighty Knight are my pals and Pierre Pressure and Lady Doppler are my catty bitches.

The dialogue was good but the pacing felt lopsided. It really felt like they were retreading things that happened in the original movie, especially Minion's entire arc which he just went through two days ago? They did a good job with it but still!

Stuff I loved

FAKE EVIL DATING - I wish they'd shown them actually having to pretend to evil date. But of all the things I thought I was going to get it certainly wasn't that! (So much fanfic y'all. So Much Fanfic).

All of the Doom Syndicate calling out that Megamind and Roxanne obviously have A Thing and neither of them dealing with it well.

Roxanne just casually hanging out in the Lair and also taking charge. that's my girl! Also she's a complete morosexual and she and Megamind deserve each other.

Mayor Roxanne. I didn't adore HOW they did it, I think you could tease a whole season (or an exceptional fanfic) out of Roxanne finding herself not only bored of her job but dealing with the trauma of "Every time I look at the camera I see Hal beyond it and maybe I have some issues with that" and wanting to make changes.

Megamind's Bedroom! There was a sound like a million fanfic writers crying out in glee.

Minion and Roxanne being bros!

Minion out of his suit! It was creepy yet adorable!

The Mayor being useless. When you are used to having a hero who solves every problem, why wouldn't you have a useless Mayor? (I like that he comes back in the show)

The Doom Syndicate in general. They had a good range of designs and were at their most fun when bickering together.

Mr Cuddly Snuggles.

Stuff I didn't love

It felt like a retread of a lot of things that happened in the original movie. Which it has been 14 years so fair, but also if you're going to set something two days after the events of the movie, why make it a photocopy of the original?

Everything that Keiko was doing in the movie that could or would have been done by Roxanne if we were still going via the original characterisation (Roxanne broke into an entire villain's lair right after Megamind took over the city but Keiko's the one with the bat???).

Megamind just spent a whole movie going on about how he didn't share the spotlight and it caused a rift with his oldest friend (again) but sure, we couldn't do this without you small child we just met an hour ago. Its pure audience surrogate and YoU CAn'T bE mEaN to CHiLdrEn! but it makes the pacing feel even more lopsided that this can be so rushed when the whole Minion thing (and not even touching on the whole Bernard issue) got all the attenion and sure we'll just shove this in as well.

(This is the part where I admit parentification of characters is a MASSIVE squick for me and anytime I read about people wanting to make Megamind and Roxanne Keiko's new parents it makes me want to throw up in my mouth.)

Also Exposition voicing the "I was bad but you showed me I didn't have to be" is sooooo not for me. One thing the original movie was extremely clever about was showing how privilege and wealth played a part in Megamind and Metro Man's eventual roles. Megamind wasn't just a bad guy, he was raised in a prison, totally othered, looked different to everyone else on the planet and sent to the naughty corner even when he tried to do things right. While Metro Man was a white western male fantasy who landed in the lap of luxury and even his bunker is a monument to himself.

This was totally discarded for the new movie and I think its the poorer for it, simply because it was such a SMART and SUBTLE thing that is actually relevant.

Again, for kids. Not aimed at me. But I still think it does a disservice to kids not addressing that whole very important aspect.

End result: It's been 14 years since we got any content and I will take it for what it is, a movie length pilot of Baby's First Megamind for a superior tv show. An opportunity for a thousand gifsets and Roxanne running somebody over with a firetruck. If you're watching to get something out of it you probably will. I will be writing 12394393487 fanfics about Megamind and Roxanne actually having to prove they are dating to the Doom Syndicate.

Megamind Rules

Definitely better quality than the movie (I'm not going to talk about the animation etc because frankly the answer should always be pay your animators better and give them more time).

LOVED Megamind just breaking into Roxanne's office. Nice to seee some things never change. LOVED the Bodyswap episode (again, so much fanfic). LOVE LOVE LOVED Megamind and Roxanne laying on the kitchen floor together. We did not get enough scenes of them alone together.

LOVED Christina Christo, tired adults just trying to get their jobs done is my JAM and CREAM and SCONES and I love her (also why I loved Roxanne in the original). Loved her and Minion hanging out in episode 5. They need to be buddies more.

LOVED Roxanne wanting metal tickets for Megamind, everything about them having a shared history and interests filled my heart with glee.

LOVED the shot of Roxanne aiming the degun, Mucho sexy.

Loved Roxanne and Lady Doppler havign a history. How come we got more about tha than we did Megamind and Roxanne?

LOVED Megamind and Roxanne bonding over old kidnappings.

Ep 3 was heaps of fun. Doctor Doughnut was silly yet joyful. and I appreciate the Go Fish gang appreciation of his evil laugh.

The move from news reporting to streaming is actually a reasonable thing to happen, but I wish they'd delved into it better from Roxanne's side of what the shift away from traditional reporting and media meant for her. Social media and news have changed A LOT since the original movie. Again its one of those rich seams that fanfic exists to delve into.

LOVED the cockroach episode, but a missed opportunity for YOU RAISED A CHILD (TWO CHILDREN!) IN JAIL HOW ABOUT WE EXPLORE THAT A LITTLE MAYBE??

I guess we just...have a giant Minion in the lake now?

LOVED the Doom Syndicate just hanging out. Lady Doppler is me, sitting on a bench drinking tea.

The cliffhanger is a cliffhanger because they wanted a cliffhanger. But so help me if Roxanne isn't working from the inside in the next 8 episodes I will riot.

Characters

Megamind. Learning to be a person is right. Every time he got to be one on one with another character he became more himself. Every time he was one on one with Roxanne I was riveted.

Roxanne. My girl! They sidelined the shit out of her in this series! Sure she went off and got herself top job (Megamind and Minion calling her "Your majesty" was for me specifically) but so much of what made her a fun character in the movie (complete lack of fear in the face of villainy, her banter with Megamind, her willingness to just break into a villain's secret lair to find shit out got pushed onto Keiko and it left Roxanne with nothing to do. I don't know what they're planning for the future but I could see Christina taking over as Mayor eventually and Roxanne joining the crime fighting crew.

I HATED every time they called her Roxie, that was set up as an unwelcome nickname in the movie so I don't know why they backflipped on it here. HOWEVER I am prepared to accept it on the basis it made Megamind saying "Roxanne" in episode 8 that much more impactful (though they still could have used Miss Ritchi).

Keiko. I love Keiko as a character? But I hate her role in the show. She's the audience surrogate and the "Kid Relatable" for the kids to latch onto and they had her Exposition Voice in the DS movie what was actually much more cleverly crafted and characterised in the original movie. As a person she's cool and I like having her in the show I just wish it wasn't at the expense of Roxanne. They could have kept her as streaming socials girl and still left the investigation/danger to Roxanne and it would also have meant more time to explore what the Megarox relationship could be building towards/developing from.

I cringed all the way through Keiko dealing with the Doom Syndicate because it was telegraphed from a mile away such a tropey Kid Approved plot. I LOATHE making the tension about characters who have fucked up needing to admit they fucked up when its way more impactful to have them fess up immediately and put all the tension into how to solve the problem.

Machiavillain. He looks like a cunty Barbie villain and I love that for him. I assume we have to be getting the other 8 episodes at SOME point because otherwise that's a lot of Adam Lambert for not a lot of payoff.

Minion/Chum. ALSO learning to be a person and I have always had a soft spot for him. Showing that he has about as much sense as Megamind is a delight.

Christina Christo. I love her and I love that she and Megamind are constantly arguing for Roxanne's affection. Probably my favourite new addition.

End result: It's very Studio Approved For Kids! Enjoyed the show a lot more than the movie length pilot. Needs more Roxanne. Needs 10000 more game nights with Minion's electroshock orgasm ball.

Megamind was and is a PARODY of the superhero genre, break more rules! Don't just plod through the studio approved plot points! Having the original movie be all adults was actually really refreshing because you could get a lot more out of subtle shit without having to spell it out. One of my biggest peeves and the cause of a lot of fanfic is why is shoving Megamind into the hero role any better than shoving him into the villain role? Let him go be a mad inventor without having to save the city! Let him be a crime fighting villain!

And finally, so help me if Roxanne isn't front and centre beside Megamind where she belongs in the next season I will start biting.

FUTURE FANFIC I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO READING/WRITING

All of the evil fake dating. Make them have to fooool the Doom Syndicate. Make Roxanne need to stay over. make it only one bed. Make kisses with Megamind where they haven't even talked about the Bernard thing yet and they are both so messed up about it. (Fun fact! I wrote a fic with this premise way back before the show was even announced.

We're still fooling the Doom Syndicate and oh no they want to help plan the wedding.

We're still fooling the Doom Syndicate and oh no now we're actually getting married.

Roxanne actually dealing with her issues after the movie and why and how she goes into campaigning for Mayor.

Megamind and Roxanne breaking in the mayoral office (obviously).

Filthy sexy bodyswap shenanigans

How did Roxanne figure out Megamind's ticklish spots?

10 thousand character driven Roxanne hanging in the Lair moments

10 thousand Megamind hanging on the couch in Roxanne's office moments

A highly charged Roxanne and Lady Doppler bitter evil exes interaction (just for you @ejga-ostja)

Doom Syndicate shared public workspace office. Or just some random person going in to use the printer and constantly getting dragged into lackeying for them.

Metro City Meme War

An actual introspection on the move away from traditional news media and how it impacts Roxanne's decision to seek a new career.

Christina and Roxanne eat doughnuts and bitch about municipal planning

A Christina POV watching Megamind and Roxanne flirt/have awkward moments/dance around the Thing via a crack in the office door

A Christina and some other person in city hall epsitolary fic told via emails reporting on Megarox developments to the person running the pool and slowly getting more invested in these morosexuals getting together.

Megamind coming to find Roxanne for game night and finding her sacked out on the couch because being Mayor is HARD and napping on the floor beside her because being a hero is hard too

An absolute fuckton of hypnosis kink

Roxanne using her mayoral powers to address the fact that Megamind and Minion were raised in a prison and NOT ON MY WATCH THERE WILL BE REPERCUSSIONS AND WE ARE GONNA ADDRESS SOME SHIT

[icedragonlizard]

Marx will always be the most hilarious Kirby villain to me.

He has by far the funniest motivation out of any villain. Most other villains are either big bad conquerors, or are barely sapient as they're just embodiments of hatred/evil, or are minions of greater baddies, or have tragic backstories that led to them being villains, or a combination of the listed criteria there.

But Marx is literally none of that. He just did what he did for the hell of it. He had no real reason to do what he did other than just for kicks and giggles. He did it because he thought it was funny.

Magolor pulled a similar stunt, but he counts as a "big bad conqueror" as he attempted universal conquest. Marx however didn't even care to conquer. He asked Nova to give him enough power to be capable of causing all the mischief he wanted, which is what he literally outright says after making that wish. He just wanted to turn Popstar into his personal stomping ground where he can run rampant with mischief.

This guy is literally the biggest troll of the franchise. I love him for it.

And the funniness doesn't stop there. After defeating him in his boss fight, when you punt him to make him crash onto Nova, you'd think that impact would've been more than enough to kill him....

... But nah, he suddenly comes back out of nowhere in Star Allies! And the lore does even not bother explaining how he survived the Nova impact, LOL. How in the world did he survive that? Unless you're someone that doesn't actually regard dream friends in Star Allies being canon and interpret Marx staying dead. I get that. I personally see it as canon, though.

Another hilarious thing is that he acts as a boss in the credits of the good ending of Heroes in Another Dimension. Basically, after the important stuff is over, Marx then goes right back to being a little shit that causes problems on purpose. Showing that he's still the biggest troll of the franchise.

It's also funny how enigmatic Marx is in the lore. It's unclear whether he actually legitimately redeemed himself or not. I'd say it's valid to headcanon him as either being redeemed or still being a bad guy. Interpretations of Marx vary. They range from being just a silly little dude to still being a literal bastard that's still up to something sinister.

As much as I'd love to see Marx get used in Kirby games more, I actually hope they don't give him a backstory. Or at least, don't give him a tragic one. I think he stands out if he were to stay as just a troll without a sob story, as opposed to many other villains who are more tragic. I bet he'd lie about his origins, too, which would also be funny.

Marx is truly one of the characters of all time, in my opinion. He might not have as much substance behind him as many of the later villains in Kirby, but with the material that we do have, he's truly something.

[gravidwithlore]

A human in their early 20's, raised from birth to be a Hero, sets out on their first journey, tasked with putting together his first adventuring party. His family has high hopes for him, but he's never wanted to be a hero. Free from his families constant pressure and able to make his own choices for the first time in his life, all he wants to do is spread his legs and sleep around every city, town, and village he wanders through. He quickly begins to collect admirers and lovers across the land, as he has the time of his life being the carefree little slut he knows in his heart he was always meant to be.

Until, one day he gets kidnapped and held prisoner by the BBEG because of a new prophecy that states our young "hero" would end their evil reign. Once he meets the young man, the curve of his belly is unmistakable. The BBEG assumes the prophecy means that the child growing in his belly will grow to defeat him, and plans to keep the "hero" hostage until he gives birth, then raise the child as his own evil heir to try and prevent the prophecy coming true.

Little do they know an adventuring party made up of our slutty little "hero's" baby daddies are on their way to kick their ass and set him free.

I was gonna put this in the tags but then decided to just put it under a read more:

-The guys name is Hiro because that'd be so fucking funny bc despite his entire life revolving around becoming a true (traditional) hero, he is absolutely NOT that at all

-He's not even mad about the kidnapping, I dont think he even realizes he's been kidnapped. He's like 'oh you wanna adopt my baby? Thats cool I don't think I'm ready to be a parent yet anyway. Oh, AND I get to stay in your sick-ass mansion the entire time??? Hell yeah dude you're the best!" And the BBEG is like 'what the hell kind of mind game is this?????'

-Hiro keeps trying to seduce the BBEG bc his libido was crazy before, but with the pregnancy hormones it's off the charts. But, the BBEG thinks the seduction is a ploy to trick him into letting his guard down so he can betray them later. Despite how much his body wants to give in he always rebuffs Hiro, but its getting harder and harder to resist his advances. Hiro barely notices the BBEG white knuckling his way through yet another attempt at seduction, then shrugs and tries to seduce one of the BBEGs minions. But word spreads quickly and soon all of them are fighting every nerve in their body to resist Hiro's advances bc theyre so scared of their boss and how he might react if they found out.

-The adventuring party is on a grueling fantasy quest to save him, but Hiro is living out his Beauty and the Beast fantasy except instead of a woman who reads and a man cursed to live as a beast, its a slutty knocked up himbo and an evil murderous tyrant. The more the BBEG rebuffs his advances the more intrigued by him Hiro becomes, and the time they spend with Hiro they find themselves wanting to be a better person for the sake of this sweet horny himbo.

- They are so far off from being on the same wavelength, the BBEG is living out an epic romance novel about the hero's love and affection transforming them into something redeemable, possibly, someday, bordering on good. Meanwhile Hiro's like 'why doesn't this guy wanna fuck me? Huh, what an interesting person, I sort of wanna know more about him other than just how good they can lay that pipe, if ya know what I'm saying, although, if they're ever down I am always down to clown.' All the BBEG minions are watching the romantic tension develop and thicken, their collective blood pressure has never been so high.

-And I haven't even mentioned how gently and reverently the BBEG carasses Hiro's baby bump. The first time the baby kicks, Hiro runs to find the BBEG so he can bring their hand to feel, and the Big Bad evildoer almost bursts into tears.

- At first the plan to steal the baby and raise it as their own (to be evil of course, every true hero's worst nightmare!) was just out of desperation to avoid the prophecy, but they begin to find themselves really warming up to the idea of being a parent, of maybe even having a family. With Hiro? No, of course not what a silly little daydream, the hero never falls for the villain! How could they ever think Hiro of all people could love someone like them!

- Around this time Hiro really discovers that being pregnant? Sorta hot actually. Sorta really hot actually. He didn't plan on having kids really, but then again he hadn't known before how good being so full and round with life would feel. He knows that this kind rich guy offered to adopt his baby then go their separate ways, but they're really cool actually and nice to be around, and Hiro wants to stick around. Maybe eventually they would want some siblings for the first kid? Hiro wouldn't mind being asked to give them. He definitely wouldn't mind being asked over and over again. And if the kind man asked if he wanted to stay to help raise their kids and watch them grow up, then Hiro probably wouldn't say no. The more he thinks about it, the more he'd be likely to say yes, actually. Yes, please. Yes, please, ask him to stay! Ask him to stay forever and ever!

- Eventually they confess to each other. Hiro never seems to realize that the BBEG ever had evil intentions, even when explicitly told that was the case, but the BBEG eventually catches on to Hiro's wavelength and it makes them love the adorable idiot even more. All the minions are relieved the romantic tension is gone, but now they're stressed about the drastically increased possibility of running into Hiro and their boss fucking like rabbits no matter where they go in the giant labyrinth of a castle they work (and live) in. Nowhere is safe, but at least their boss is happy???

- Eventually the adventuring party of baby daddies shows up. Hiro is like 'oh geez, my past one night stands/exes are here, thats so awkward, oh shit what if one of them is the bio dad to this baby???' And BBEG is like 'omg, I've changed, im changing, i swear ill do better, he's free to do as he pleases and I'm in love with him, I guess the prophecy came true bc I fell head over heels for him, and all my evil plans are ruined bc all i want is to make him happy, I'm a new person on a new path, please don't fight me, I swear it's true!' And the party is exhausted and worn down and just so very confused (they also may not have known Hiro was even pregnant and that they're all potential fathers, they just all cared about Hiro's safety).

-Cue a shaky truce between the now morally gray BBEG and the rest of the world, while Hiro is living his own happily ever after with his hot rich bf who keeps him (and his kids) well taken care of and as knocked up as he could ever want.

[ckret2]

Lord Loveless versus the Arrow Ace

A few years ago I contributed a short story to an asexuality zine:

A showdown between a cruel, heartless villain who wants to destroy the world and all that's good in it—Lord Loveless—and a hero—the Arrow Ace—who's been searching for someone else like herself... and is furious that all she's found is him.

It's a satire/conflicted love letter to cheesy cartoony villains who are "too evil to comprehend good, kindness, and love"—and might be the only approximation of the aro & ace experience a kid sees. ... But it's also as goofy & corny as physically possible. Enjoy.

####

On one side of the chasm dividing the massive stone cavern: Lord Loveless, tattered cape billowing with magic currents, the naked skull beneath his black crown lit green by the starlike spell floating above.

On the other side: Sapphire, gripping her axes; Blair, maintaining the shimmering spherical shield protecting them both; and a half dozen of Lord Loveless's minions, blocking the exits and surrounding the shield.

"You're too late," Lord Loveless crowed. "Even if you weren't trapped, powerless before my superior forces—"

(Blair gave one of the minions a skeptical look, lurched toward them as though to attack, and smirked when they flinched several steps back.)

"—my spell has progressed too far for any lesser a sorcerer than I to reverse it! You can try to put one of your pretty little shields around it, Claire—"

"Blair."

Lord Loveless waved his magic staff dismissively. "But it will pop like the bubble it is. And then, you're all doomed—along with the rest of the world!" He cackled maniacally.

Sapphire blew a raspberry.

Lord Loveless's laughter cut off. Even without a face to speak of, he managed to give her a peevish look. With a tone of mock indulgence, he said, "I take it you'd like to make your last words?"

"Last words before we reduce you to bone toothpicks?" Sapphire hefted one axe threateningly. "Sure, how about this: why?! Why destroy the world? You don't get power, you don't get riches. When there's nothing left, what's left for you?"

"Oh! Hmm." Lord Loveless settled the butt of his staff on the stone floor and thoughtfully tapped a bony finger on its green orb. Finally, he said, "As a general policy I don't explain my dastardly plans to my enemies, but I suppose there's no risk in explaining my dastardly motives, is there?"

A couple of minions shrugged. One nodded encouragingly.

"Very well! In that case: what I get out of this is..." He paused dramatically. "Absolutely nothing! Haa! I don't do this for a purpose! I'm evil, it's what I do! It's this whole thing!"

"Then don't be evil," Blair said.

Lord Loveless turned to stare at her as if she'd grown a second head. "No," he said. "I'm gonna."

"Well, why?"

"It's in my nature," he said, with a scornful tilt of his head as if to stare down his non-existent nose at the two heroes. "I was born an inherently villainous being. I don't have your natural human instincts, you see. Affection." He scoffed. "Love!" He scoffed harder. "The mere intimate, 'pleasurable' touch of flesh disgusts me. So much so, I got rid of the issue completely!" He brandished one bony arm demonstratively. "So you tell me, heroes—how could a creature who scorns the very touch of his 'fellow' humans be anything but evil—"

One of Lord Loveless's minions cried, "Are you kidding me?!"

While Lord Loveless watched in amazement, the minion tossed off her hood and unclasped her robe, revealing light leather armor that matched Sapphire’s.

Sapphire swore quietly under her breath. Blair groaned.

"Oh, you!" Lord Loveless angrily stamped his staff on the ground; acid green sparks fluttered from the orb. "I knew there was supposed to be a third one of you!" He gestured to his remaining minions. “Get h—!”

Before he could finish the order, Blair burst their protective bubble, knocking one minion to the edge of the chasm and sending another running to the edge to help the fallen one back up; Sapphire knocked one unconscious with the butt of an axe and intimidated another into fleeing; and the new arrival drew a bow and arrow from under her cloak and pointed it at the last remaining minion until they too raised their hands in surrender, backed toward the entrance tunnel, and ran.

Then Sapphire turned toward the team’s third member. “Oriana, what happened to the sneak attack? We had a whole plan...”

"No." Oriana slid the arrow back in its quiver and held up a finger to Sapphire. "No, it's personal now."

Sapphire shrugged helplessly. "All right, okay. Have at him."

Oriana nodded and turned a sharp gaze toward Lord Loveless.

Lord Loveless watched in dismay as the last of his minions fled, then snapped, “Oh, you think you’re gonna get me with that? You’re gonna hit me with an arrow?” He somehow made a raspberry sound without lips. He drew a circle in front of him, briefly illuminating the otherwise-invisible magic shield protecting him from attack.

But instead of drawing another arrow, Oriana planted her hands on her hips, jutted her chin out, and said, “Your motive is stupid.”

Lord Loveless canted his head in disbelief. “Excuse you?”

“I’m the same as you! But I’m over here being a hero! What’s your excuse?"

“What?” Electric purple light briefly flickered on in his black sockets. “No. That can’t be right. You, with the do-gooders? You can’t be the same—”

“Do you hate hugs.”

Lord Loveless hesitated. “Yeah,” he said. “What, that’s—isn’t that an automatic evil trait?”

Oriana furiously gestured at herself. “Apparently not,” she said. “Think kissing is gross?”

“I didn’t get rid of my lips because I thought it’d make using a straw easier!"

Oriana paused. “Kind of extreme reaction, but we’re on the same page. When kids your age started flirting, did you use to, like, pick someone to decide you have a crush on?”

He was silent for a long moment. “Huh.”

“Do you hate it when two characters in a play who obviously hate each other suddenly fall into bed? And we’re just supposed to believe they’ve had invisible sexual tension the whole time and that makes up for the constant fighting?”

“Yes!” Lord Loveless pointed emphatically at her. “Yes! Don’t—why don’t people who actually feel attraction think that’s weird? Do they actually work like that?”

Oriana turned toward Sapphire and Blair for their opinions. They shuffled on their feet self-consciously.

Sapphire said, “It does bug me when the guy’s got no redeeming qualities?”

Blair winced sheepishly. “Honestly, it—depends on how hot the actor and actress are.”

Lord Loveless scoffed.

Oriana went on: “Do you ever wonder why people get, like, depressed if they haven’t had a date in a while?”

“Yeah?!” He flung up a hand in bafflement. “What is with that, don’t they have hobbies?”

She made almost the exact same baffled gesture. “I don’t know! Like, hang out with friends, go fly a kite, something!”

“So!” Lord Loveless drew himself up, hefting his staff into the air once more. “You do understand! You, too, have felt that dark emptiness, that brokenness, that wrathful hatred of all others—”

“No?” Oriana cut in. “Literally never? Ever? None of those things? Buddy, you have problems, okay, and literally none of those problems are connected to not wanting to screw.”

“Oh really!” Lord Loveless rolled his non-existent eyes toward the progressing spell above them. “Because they sure seem connected!”

“Why?” Oriana asked, with enough real curiosity in her tone that Lord Loveless looked back down to study her face. “What, did—did people make you feel like that, like you’re empty or broken or whatever? Or did you decide that all on your own? Because both are sad in wildly different ways. Just—who raised you?”

For a moment, he didn’t respond; long enough that Blair started glancing nervously at the spell above again and Sapphire moved to Oriana’s other side, prepared to flank her if they launched an attack.

But then, finally, in a voice small and awkward and human, he said, “I had this... mentor. For seven years. He was all about the power of love. He was all determined to wake up my capacity for love, and when he didn’t...”

Sapphire and Blair’s faces lit up in surprise at the same time Oriana’s fell.

Suspiciously, Lord Loveless said, “You’ve met.”

Sapphire said, “He told us how to find you.”

Blair added, “It’s how I met them. I’ve been training under him the last three years.”

Lord Loveless grunted. “Have you,” he said spiritlessly. “I thought that bubble of yours was familiar.”

“He taught me everything I know. I love him like a second father.” Blair paused. “But...” She glanced at Oriana.

Oriana had been standing there with her face screwed up in distaste while waiting for the other two to finish. “Yeah, he’s kind of a judgy jerkwad, isn’t he.”

Lord Loveless let his staff settle on the ground again. “No one’s ever called my mentor a jerkwad before,” he said. “I... assumed it was just me.”

“I’m sure he’s a great teacher if you wanna learn how to channel love magic or whatever—but if you tell him you don’t have any?” Oriana laughed bitterly. “Ohh, we didn’t get along.”

Blair half reached for Oriana. “He’s not right about everything. You know I don’t think...”

Oriana nodded quickly. “Yeah. You’re fine. We’re cool.”

Lord Loveless silently regarded the conversation, his shoulders sagging beneath his cloak, as if a heavy weight was beginning to slide off of them. “Well—well. Well... Well, why do you fight for good, then? Without love, why bother?”

Oriana laughed in disbelief. “I don’t have to love people to not want the planet to die, holy crap! You really do sound like his student.”

He visibly winced, the joints between his bones creaking together, like of all the accusations that had been flung at him that one hurt the most.

“I can just like people? And want good things to happen to people I like? And—enjoy the planet in one piece? The power of love isn’t necessary, I’ve gotten by just fine with the power of basic compassion! You don’t need to find a soulmate, or—or—” she attempted a crude pantomime with her hands that made Blair bite her lip in silent laughter and Sapphire quickly look away, “—or mash parts to feel a basic connection to other human beings.”

“But it stops others from feeling a connection to you, doesn’t it?” Lord Loveless demanded—an edge of desperation in his tone. “I recognize the uniforms on you two—Lunar Archers, aren’t you?”

“Yeah?” Oriana said, a tad defensive, but not quite sure where he was aiming yet. “Both of us.” She nudged Sapphire. “We met there.”

“A-ha. I know what the sash missing from your uniform means. I can guess why you”—he tipped his staff toward Sapphire—“aren’t still in the archers’ ranks.” Sapphire hefted her axes in a shrug of acknowledgment. “But why aren’t you, o arrow ace?”

Oriana grimaced in irritation. “Okay. Right. Yeah, okay, I signed up because their target audience is all, ‘women who cast aside the duties of marriage to men and take up the mantle of chastity,’ and I was like, ‘hey, my people,’ and then it turned out that was a two-hundred-year-old euphemism for ‘we’re a bunch of lesbians and this is the easiest way to explain that when nobody's talking about that yet.’ So, y’know...” She jerked one shoulder self-consciously. “Didn’t fit in.”

Victorious, Lord Loveless crowed, “So they cast you out!”

“What? No. Phire and I left voluntarily. We’re still both in good standing with the Archers. We’re welcome at the camps. We hang out with them on holidays. They still let me use their magic bows and arrows and everything.” She drew an arrow out of her quiver and pointed at the tip, faintly sparkling yellowish-white. “Check it out. Lightning.”

Lord Loveless took a moment to process that. “They didn’t turn their backs on you,” he said. “Why didn’t they turn their backs on you? What did you do?"

“I—acted like a decent person? And I didn’t peel the skin off my face? And they didn’t turn their backs on me because they’re not jerks—unlike whoever you’ve been hanging out with, you misanthrope! Make some better friends!”

“I don’t believe that,” he snarled. “Nobody would treat you any better than I was treated. Nobody.”

The irritation on Oriana’s face deepened to rage. She shot a quick glance over toward Sapphire—just the nearest of her friends that Lord Loveless was slandering.

“If it was really so fantastic, you wouldn’t have left. There’s not a chance. I wouldn’t have left! So why would you—”

Furiously, Oriana shouted, “I left to find you!”

“What?”

"I went looking for people like me! They were fine, but I wanted to find somebody I could relate to! But all this time I've been looking, there's just—just you!" Oriana gestured furiously toward Lord Loveless. "Is that it?! Are you the best I'll ever find? Is the only one who can understand me—this? You aren't even human anymore!"

“But—”

Lord Loveless fell silent as an arrow sailed by him—far enough not to bounce off his protective wards, near enough to catch his attention. It clattered on the cavern wall with a burst of sparks and a tiny thunderclap. “I deserve better,” Oriana snarled, voice trembling with fury, aiming another arrow at him. “I deserve better than for you to be the only thing I have to look up to! I deserve better than a villain and a monster!”

Lord Loveless’s jaw opened, then clacked shut without his finding anything to say. Blair put a hand on Oriana’s shoulder, whispered something to her; Oriana nodded jerkily, put the arrow away, and slung her bow back over her shoulder; Sapphire lightly punched Oriana’s upper arm and Oriana punched hers back.

“You’re lonely,” Lord Loveless said. Oriana flinched. “Even flanked by your so-called friends, you’re alone.”

“Not ‘so-called,’” Oriana said firmly. “They mean the world to me! We’d do anything for each other! But...”

A world of things Blair and Sapphire would never quite understand hung in the air after that “but.”

Lord Loveless didn’t press. He just nodded understandingly, once more the master of this cavern. "We truly are alike," he murmured. "Probably more alike than even you think." It wasn't a gloat, wasn't a taunt, not like it should have been; his supernaturally strident voice was unusually compassionate. "We're the same, you and I. We shouldn't be enemies. You could have easily ended up like me. You still could. It's not too late for you to join me—"

"No," Oriana snapped. She stomped to the edge of the chasm separating her team from Lord Loveless and held out a hand across it. "You join us."

Sapphire and Blair gaped at her. Lord Loveless reeled back, an offended hand splayed across his ribs. "I beg your pardon?"

She continued stubbornly extending her hand. "I was never going to end up like you. Who does that, who goes ‘oh, I don’t wanna bone the other gross snotty kids in my town, guess I’d better murder people over it’? Nobody does that. You should have ended up like me. So turn that thing off and come on."

"But..." Lord Loveless looked at her, then at the giant green world-ending spell floating over the chasm between them. Then, finally, shoulders sagging, he waved his staff. The light above dissipated, sucked back into the orb. The only light illuminating the cavern was the orb and a flickering blue and pink flame Blair hastily summoned up.

"Hell," Lord Loveless grumbled. He almost absent-mindedly summoned up a pathway of floating stones and trudged across the chasm.  "I don't know what I would've done with myself after ending reality as we know it anyway. But if this is horrible, I'm gonna destroy the world later."

The trio of heroes stepped back from the edge to give him room to stand in front of them. They glared up at him warily. He glared down at them imperiously.

Then Blair wordlessly pointed at his staff.

“Excuse me?”

“You don’t get to keep that,” Blair said. “You destroy things with it.”

“You people go around taking on baddies, don’t you? What if we’re attacked, surely you don’t plan to leave me defenseless.”

“I know you can do enough magic to defend yourself without the orb. Hand it over.”

Lord Loveless sighed noisily, but held it out to Oriana. “I don’t trust you with it,” he muttered to Blair. “You could do stuff with it.”

Blair shrugged. Oriana took the staff.

Sapphire wordlessly pointed at his crown.

“What? No! This is mine.” He clamped a bony hand on the crown. “It’s not even magic, it just looks cool! I’m keeping it.”

Sapphire clicked her tongue in disappointment.

Together, they headed up the tunnel out of the cavern and toward the sunlight.

[miraculouslbcnreactions]

Funniest irony of Paris Special, is that Shadybug ("evil" version of S1!Ladybug) is "less bad" that S5!Ladybug, due to fact that she is ultimately just "minion of Supreme"

"I was awful, due to Supreme threatening me into compliance. What's your excuse?" - Question that Shadybug should ask to S5!Ladybug, but didn't, due to fact that it would cause latter to look bad (and "we can't have that")

Unless I'm missing something, I don't agree with your assessment of who is the badder one here. I'm assuming S5!Ladybug is getting the "bad" label for keeping everything a secret from Adrien? If so, then I get why that upsets you, but Shadybug is a domestic terrorist or possibly even a domestic and international terrorist. In the grand scheme of things, terrorism ranks much higher than lying to/keeping secrets from your significant other no matter how bad the lie/secret is. I love Adrien, but he is not more important than the safety of every person in Paris.

If I'm wrong and you were instead talking about S5!Ladybug keeping Gabriel's status a secret from Paris? Then I still don't agree. That's not worse than terrorism, especially since I don't even think that Ladybug was clearly in the wrong there.

I disagree with her telling people that Gabriel was some sort of hero - I would have just labeled him an "unfortunate victim" - but the threat is neutralized. Paris is safe. Is the general public really owed the full details of how it happened?

It's a complex question and I fall on the side of protecting the innocent here. Gabriel is dead. Outing him to everyone will just hurt Adrien. I've actually written and will write fics where Gabriel lives, but is neutralized, so he's still not outed because Paris isn't owed the fine details. Perhaps in the idealistic world we see at the end of season five this sort of grand reveal would be a good idea, but in a more realistic world, it would probably blow up in Adrien's face and possibly even force him to give up being a hero due to unwanted public attention. In order to protect him and the secrets of the miraculous, I am totally cool with Gabriel facing justice via non-conventional means. This is probably extra true because I'm not a big fan of punitive justice, so I try to find paths other than traditional jail when dealing with my villains.

I will possibly feel differently about all of the above if season six introduces Gabriel Agreste day or something, but the universe was rewritten by the wish, so maybe Marinette thinks that Gabriel really was a hero? Who knows. Canon is dead to me and, either way, active terrorism is still worse than Gabriel being posthumously seen as a hero.

In your ask you say that Shadybug was "just a minion," but that's not an excuse. If someone hands you a weapon and orders you to hurt another human being, the fact that you were "just obeying orders" doesn't undo the harm you cause by obeying the order. Those things still happened and they happened because of you.

There can be nuance to this depending on context, but that's kind of the problem with making these grand statements about the Paris special: we don't know anything about that other world. We don't know if Emonette has loving parents. We don't know how long she's been working for The Supreme. We don't know if she's been indoctrinated since childhood to obey the Supreme or if he operates from the shadows and she didn't know that he existed until she got her Miraculous. We don't even know what she's done! She could have killed millions! She could have also done nothing but chase after Betterfly. Without a full picture of what her life was like and what she's done, we cannot say that Shadybug is clearly the better person. I'm also having a hard time picturing any context that would lead me to give her that label. She might have a worse life than canon Marinette, but her crimes are still hers.

If you're making the argument that Emonette is more sympathetic than S5!Ladybug, then I might agree as her situation does have the potential to be far more sympathetic than Marinette keeping a massive secret from Adrien, especially when that secret has the potential to cause him very real harm. But that's not a case of our Marinette being worse than Emonette. Emonette is still a terrorist, making her the one who is irrefutably causing the most harm. We just don't see that harm on screen because it would undermined her frankly lackluster redemption.

Don't get me wrong, I did enjoy the Paris special, I'm just saying that it only works because we never have to think too hard about what Shadybug and Claw Noir have actually done. Their minimal screentime keeps them pretty tame and allows their redemptions to mostly work. If we'd spent five seasons watching them terrorize people, then their redemptions would probably have felt as lackluster as Gabriel's did.

Because we don't have all of that context, the emo versions fall into the same category as PV Felix: they're so underdeveloped that they're more of a concept than a true character, so you can imagine them as wonderful or as terrible as you would like them to be. They will never be marred by the prolonged influence of the writing staff. If we had a show that starred them, then you would probably feel very differently because it's the same writing staff writing them. I don't see a world in which these two are magically leagues better than what we got in canon.

All of this is reminding me of that excellent Eddie Izzard bit where he talks about horrific, large-scale crimes being so outside of what most people's minds can fathom that they just kind of go, "Oh, well, that's, huh..." because it's easier to know how to react to smaller, more personal wrongs:

[devils-minion-cult]

Hey! I'm the girl from the other day (the autistic Armand truther or wtv lmfao) I'm kinda shy sorry hehe 🥹 but I wanted to respond so here I am! Hope I don't bother you with my messages and again sorry if the grammar is not really good, I'll try my best.

PS, this message is gonna be loooong lol sorry.

First of all, YOU ARE SO RIGHT! Like, how can you say Armand is not autistic after reading the Devil's Minion chapter? That man has some severe hyperfixations fr (same). Also his self-soothing behavior every time he's anxious or overstimulated, like the finger and shoulder rubbing? The eye contact avoiding? Omg.

I really appreciate you used a real life neurodivergent person to base Armand's behavior, honestly, I'm so tired of people thinking all autistics are the same. Like no we can be freaky and evil as well leave us alone 😞 And you're right, sometimes meltdowns can be low key scary specially for someone who doesn't have any knowledge on the topic (is that well explained? I'm always scared of my english being bad)

For me, Armand is a really important character, I love him and I understand him so so much. A year ago my ex dumped me and told me I was manipulative and mean. He also said I changed personalities sometimes. He also wanted to have sex like all the time (and let's just say it wasn't the sweetest sex lol) So I feel so connected with Armand, he is always blamed for everything and used for his body. Nobody asks him how he is, what his interests are, everyone is so mean towards him and I love Devil's Minion so much 'cause Daniel is literally the first person to see Armand as a person and not a body or something to possess and control. And I feel like Armand feels control in his life for the first time when he meets Daniel and that's why he obsessed so much over him. Armand was always Daniel's first and only choice ☹️

I honestly hated Louis so much when he said the "My daddy vampire groomed me into a little bitch" line, like, why would you say something like that? Especially after using your partners trauma as a fucked up fantasy and being shameless about it? The "Maître" thing is really sad to me, and the "Face down in the coffin" scene? It was NOT hot, tbh it was just uncomfortable. Armand was just trying to tell Louis something and talk about his day and he just cuts him like he doesn't even care :/ not cool and it's not something that should be romanticized. Armand's only way to feel powerful and in control is through sex, but Louis is always reminding him of his fucked up past and trauma like it's attractive. That's why I don't like Loumand AT ALL.

And now that you mentioned it, I do have a really cool idea to write abt! I think you would do such good work with my idea, but I don't wanna be annoying and it's also really specific 😭 but I would really love to share it with you bc I think you'd like it lots (It's your usual hurt/comfort freaky fucked up stuff so, yeah)

Anyway, love your fics and can't wait for the next The Dark Gifts chapter, it's sooo good. I'm always checking my email lol. You're one of my favs DM writers. Also can't wait for the bbygirl/daddy one shot! I'm so excited.

Bye! 🩷

Hi, friend! You are not bothering me AT ALL! And don't worry, your English is great!

Armand is so important to me and my healing journey, too. I love that we have our fucked up little gremlin! You're right when you say, "Daniel is literally the first person to see Armand as a person and not a body or something to possess and control."

I think I agree with another thing you said, too, but I think the translation might be a mistake. You said, "Armand's only way to feel powerful and in control is through sex, but Louis is always reminding him of his fucked up past and trauma like it's attractive." Armand is very submissive during sex, so I think "powerful" might not be the word you mean. Do you mean that sex makes Armand feel "safe" or "important" instead? If so, I totally agree!

"Maître" and "Face down in the coffin" make me uncomfortable, too. I am very (VERY) kink-friendly, but Armand's tendency to submit during sex is a trauma response. As someone who was groomed and abused as a child, I learned to be submissive because sex felt like the only thing I was good at and the only way to make people love me. That's NOT true or healthy!!

You can tell me your fic idea! I can't promise I'll use it, especially because I have so much going on right now, but I love hearing ideas! Maybe it'll inspire me!!

Again, thank you so much for all your kind words <3

P.S. Your ex sounds like an asshole, and I hate him. :)

[telleroftime]

Okay so I'm just spitballing here for a sec but

I was listening to In the Dark of the Night from Anastasia and it got me thinking about a scenario where the reader is some kind of magical entity, born with powers or gifted them, either way, Bowser wants you. His initial plan being to kill you and steal your magic. And of course you're used to being chased by others but Bowser is just beyond terrifying.

Something something he can't bring himself to kill you and come to find out from Kamek later he's trapped under some kind of curse that's forcing him to crave ultimate power. And then you get to help break it.

Music truly does the best for my creativity cause now I'm imagining Bowser singing In the Dark of the Night with his soldiers as the backup singers-

Something about "In the dark of the night she'll (they'll) be mine" get my gears turning.

Oh my gosh wait because I can build on top of that!

So, not only is Reader wanted by Bowser, but there's an even larger power above them. Kinda like Hawkmoth and all the villains he makes just to get the miraculous. Just an evil power that's kind of on the same plane of existence as Reader that - where Reader spreads good - they spread evil and Bowser just gets caught in the crossfire of it all. Well, less crossfire and more like the entity sees Bowser as a good source of negative energy and kinda uses him to spread fear and stuff.

And then news of Reader reach Bowser and his craving for power kinda gets worse. He himself seeks them out and gets more desperate with every passing day.

And just imagine Bowser and Reader trapped somewhere where they need to work together, but Reader is just terrified and Bowser is still trying to capture them, but in that moment he also has this small moment of clarity. Where he knows there's something above him. Like Garmadon from Lego Ninjago being evil not because he wanted to be but because of that snake venom coursing through him. (Dragging all the fandoms into this post).

So it's kind of an uphill battle for both Reader and Bowser as they try and break Bowser from the hold of this higher evil whilst at the same time Reader needs to avoid Bowser's tyranny and thirst for power.

And for the sake of it - you mentioned "In The Dark of the Night" and my mind went to straight to Jonathan Young's cover of it. That much more metal theme to it that would fit Bowser so well. Then again, I'm also biased towards his covers since they're all rock and metal covers of songs.

Oh, and quotes like 'Come my minions fly for your Master, let your evil shine' could be both Bowser and whatever is making him evil kinda echo through.

'My curse made each of them pay'

And if you wanna overlay songs, once again I'm gonna mention Jonathan Young's covers. His rendition of "Phantom of the Opera". It'd fit perfectly. Honestly. It has that clash of vocals almost, with Young having this deep and raspy voice, and then Reese has this typical opera, smooth voice. I'm totally not biased. Totally. Okay, I'm biased. It's the typical metal style. Drums and electric guitar and stuff that fits Bowser so well.

But yes! That's my input. I love this idea so much. Time to add it to my list of maladaptive daydreams to, well, daydream later.

[ordinaryschmuck]

Finished the main story campaign in Spider-Man 2

What I liked

There were some AWESOME action set pieces. Sandman's boss fight, the prison transfer, Kraven's den, chasing Black Cat, and hunting the Lizard just to name a few.

The swinging is still fun and I LOVED the web-wings. There are times when I go in for a glide, hoping to get to the checkpoint without needing to swing. It's more addicting than it should be.

LOVED Kraven. Probably the best adaptation of him yet with an interesting motivation that makes sense for a character like him.

Miles' little story with Mister Negative is ALSO interesting, and I like how it ended, especially with what they do with Martin in the end. It's pretty good.

The boss fights are a huge improvement, adding in a health bar that lets you know how far along you're kicking ass and making each fight feel like a battle WON. It's frustrating that I got MY ass kicked more times than not, but each time I finally beat the boss it I EARNED that victory.

That brief moment where I was killing people as Venom was super fun in a sick way. PLEASE make that Venom Spin-off game, Insomniac. We want you to just for gameplay alone.

Peter giving into the madness of the symbiote is handled pretty well. It DOES feel like he becomes a little more evil quicker than he should have, but I blame that on me going through the game's story mode and actively avoiding the side missions until I finished the campaign. Everyone's gameplay experience is different and something that feels fast in the story might not feel as fast to others.

MJ's stealth missions are actually pretty exciting this time...a bit bullshit that SHE can take care of certain goons, but at least I'm not wasting time hiding anymore. And that final mission with her was surprisingly fun and intense.

I liked those prequel scenes of Peter as a teen. Really sold how young he was when starting out as Spider-Man.

What I Didn't Like

THAT GOSH DANG PARRY SYSTEM! I'm willing to blame my own lack of skill for this, but I HATE parrying. I almost NEVER get it right, and it sucks when fighting foes where parrying is a requirement to beating them. And it's extra bullshit when the game throws in attacks you HAVE to dodge and get super FUCKED when you parry instead. It made combat more frustrating than fun, and actually hurt my enjoyment in the combat, which I INTENSELY enjoyed from the first game and the Miles Morales spin off.

And don't even get me started on those horseshit checkpoints! Every time I start over, I am filled with DREAD that I have to do all that annoying difficult shit all over again because I didn't get to this exact point the game wanted me to get to.

It doesn't make sense that Kraven has goons. He works best as a solo act and I don't get what his minions get out of working for him. I know it's to give us more people to fight against, but it doesn't work for me.

Norman Osborn is surprisingly underutilized in this game? Like, with how much of a prominent role Harry has, there's not much of a need for Norman, nor a valid reason to be there other than get pissed off over what happens near the end. It feels like his character was an afterthought, which is strange for someone who's meant to be the Green Goblin soon.

Harry's character...gets worse the more the game goes by. He started out interesting as someone both clinging to the past and trying desperately to pick up his life right where he left it. But as the game goes on and it tries to push this...idea with him, it doesn't really work as there's not enough time to properly develop it. It was a good idea with not that great of an execution.

Miles' suit...I don't hate as much as the rest of the people who played the game, but I do think it's nonsense that Miles made it while the city was being destroyed. Yeah, Peter made a new suit in the end of the last game, but there you can argue that it's for practicality purposes in order to get the upper hand against Doc Ock. Miles just made a new suit because he thought it looked cool...It does not.

AND WHERE ARE THE AVENGERS?! It didn't make sense that they didn't show up in the first game, and it makes even LESS sense now! Like, you really expect me to believe that NONE of the Avengers were available at the moment? NONE?! Not even Hawkeye?! At this point, I expect the third game to end a similar way Peacemaker did, where Peter and Miles are carrying away a bleeding out MJ after this big apocalyptic fight, and the Avengers show up JUST as its over only for Peter to go, "You're too late, assholes!" And now that I say it...that would actually be pretty funny. But it's still nonsense that they're not there!

And that's about it. 8/10 game, not as great as the first one, but still pretty fun.

[embyrinthegarden]

Native Plants and You

I know what you're thinking. "Gardening is for old ladies! All these plants look the same! The sun wreaks havoc on my delicate skin! I have hay fever!" and so on. Listen. This'll only take five minutes and your brain will be HUGE and everyone will be super impressed by your Plant Knowledge at cocktail parties.*

You probably already know that suburban sprawl and the introduction of invasive species is destroying habitats and threatening species, big deal. But! Did you know that you can massively impact food, shelter, and nesting availability for local wildlife with just a few landscaping choices? Too good to be true you say? ONWARD!

Choose Beneficial Natives

Not all plants are created equal. Not only do native plants provide superior nutrition and shelter for your native wildlife species but they are also Host Plants for their delicate lifecycles (even more delicate than your sun-starved skin!).

FOR EXAMPLE. Did you know that the Monarch Butterfly lays its eggs exclusively on Milkweed plants? And they're not just being divas about it. Lots of butterflies and moths have specialized host plants necessary for their lifecycle.

Can you guess how many types of butterfly the famed Butterfly Bush hosts? Go ahead and guess. I'll wait.

ZERO. BECAUSE IT'S INTRODUCED FROM ASIA AND IS USELESS.

So! You can support your favorite species by providing their particular host plants, or go with the heaviest hitters for your ecoregion. But if that sounds like too much work, or if you prefer rampant destruction to carefully nurturing life, the next heading is for you!

Remove Invasive Species

Invasive species are the worst! Non-native plants don't contribute to the lifecycle of our native species and are less nutritionally suited to them (essentially pollinator potato chips). But beyond being generally useless, invasive species actively overtake and out-compete the native plants, destroying habitats right under your nose!

Fortunately, Mother Nature is a Total Beast, and when invasives are removed you will often find struggling, overtaken natives beneath, which will thrive and reclaim the space once their sunlight-sucking neighbors are dealt with.

So grab your trusty Plant ID app and some Implements of Destruction and GO FORTH MY MINIONS!

(But please don't use chemicals. They kill pollinators and poison their food. T_T)

And if you think you're exempt from all of this because all you have is a tidy patch of well-kept grass YOU WOULD BE WRONG.

Your Lawn is a Capitalist Fallacy

Lawns are pollinator deserts. There's no food, no shelter, and I guarantee whatever variety of grass you have is non-native. (And if you're sitting over there all smug like "Hey I have Kentucky Bluegrass, that sounds native to Kentucky, and I am in Kentucky," YOU'RE WRONG AGAIN because it's native range is Europe and north Asia and you've been BAMBOOZLED by the Evil Lawn Industry!)

Now I do not begrudge anyone a smol patch of turf for hosting their posh Victorian Garden Parties, but depending on the size of your croquet tournaments most of that space could probably be put to better use.

And imagine not having to mow it! And having butterflies fluttering about! And birds feasting on the seeds and bugs! And the buzz of adorable native bees!

(I don't mean honeybees, btw. They're European livestock and your native bees are WAY cuter. But that's another post).

The End

CONGRATULATIONS. YOUR BRAIN IS BIGGER. YOUR COCKTAIL PARTY GAME HAS BEEN UPPED. And the next time someone says they want to put up a lovely Norway Spruce hedge, you can say "Well ACKshually..." and expose them for the frauds they are!

Er, unless you're in Norway.

*ymmv

[theonethatyaks93]

Finally Talking About Dark Pinky (Day 7 of Pinky Week)

Guess who showed up finally!

Yep, you read that title correctly. No, this isn't some belated April Fool's Day prank. Happy Dark Pinky Thursday to all my fellow evil mice enjoyers and welcome to the final installment of Pinky Week!! This has completely gone off the rails and I apologize for the extensive delays and unkept promises; I was just so tired and I required a lot of breaks. So, to thank everyone who's been with me, I decided to make my last post for Pinky Week a tribute to the fans! Get ready, because things are going to get interesting.

4/6/23- Dark Pinky Discussion/Analysis: A popular fandom character, Dark Pinky is the character you go to if you're looking for the Animaniacs/Pinky and the Brain fandom's official Tumblr sexyman. Gaining popularity in 2020 due to Dark Pinky Thursdays popping up as a meme, the homicidal and delightfully malevolent mouse has made his presence very well known on a variety of sites. And yes, I definitely have fallen to all the art and fanfiction I've seen of him. He's a great character, has a lot of potential for fanfiction, and is delightfully evil with a dark, twisted sense of humor (at least that's what I've taken from him). He's a recent obsession of mine and I'm glad to finally admit that I really do like him. I'm also glad to be contributing to his every growing fanbase. This essay will trace Dark Pinky's history, how he became so popular, and what he brings to the overall Pinky and The Brain community. And yes, I'll be mentioning Future Brain a few times since that is part of the story.

Humble Origins (Pinky and The Brain Comic Issues #1 and #24):

You might be surprised to realize but originally, Dark Pinky was more of a comedic villain rather than an outright malicious one. In fact, his plans were often times very silly and his tendency to break into evil laughter was more funny than menacing. He'd make his grand debut in Issue #1 of the Pinky and The Brain comics, being the one who ruled the alternate superhero universe Pinky and Brain find themselves in. At first, he doesn't reveal himself, rather he uses Dark Brain as a cover-up. But from the moment he appears, we get a sense of how different he is when compared to the original Pinky. Dark Pinky wears purple armor with gloves and pretty awesome spikes on his shoulders; he also has a long purple cape. The tufts of fur on his head are more straight and less curled, he has fangs, and wears a metal headpiece that (I believe) allows him to read minds. He still retains the iconic verbal tics that Pinky has and he also does an evil laugh after nearly everything he says. His personality is similar to Pinky, but with a slightly more villainous side. He finds pleasure in creating dastardly plans, showing the power and control he has, and relinquishes in the suffering he brings to others. However, he remains excitable, gets distracted by inane things, and his plans are more comical when compared to how the fandom would shape him to be. Dark Pinky does plan on murdering both Pinky and Brain but is defeated after he reads Pinky's mind and finds "horrifying imagery." He eventually returns in Issue #24 where he ends up trying to take over via public broadcasting. He's now bent on revenge and has a group of minions (in hilarious purple costumes) at his behest. He even calls upon the help of Poison Billie (another semi-popular character from this universe), and the two look like they may succeed. Eventually, Brain and Pinky do manage to defeat Dark Pinky and Poison Billie once again, this time seemingly for good. Dark Pinky's plan in this issue is very ridiculous and isn't scary in the slightest. It's almost intriguing on how he started out as such a comical villain before a few people decided to make him a little more unique. Dark Pinky remains to this day a comic exclusive character, never appearing in any of the T.V shows or even getting a mention in the series. The comics have also been questioned for the canonicity due to a few factors. However, Dark Pinky wouldn't be forgotten for long. Things only get weirder from here.

Dark Pinky and the Tumblr Sexyman Trope:

Now we're getting to the point where we must discuss the fandom. But before we do that, let's talk about the thing that made him famous in the first place: the Tumblr Sexyman craze. In the early 2010's after the release of the film The Lorax, a group of adolescent girls became attached to the character of The Once-ler, but not for his personality, rather for his appearance. The trend started up on Tumblr and began to grow in popularity to massive degrees. And this fandom was weird to say the least. People shipped the Once-ler with himself or alternate versions of himself and he became known as the first official Tumblr sexyman. However, as the years passed, more and more characters were added to the collection of Tumblr sexymen. Most of them had a common theme: tall, white, baddie/emo, often seen in suits. Others such as Sans from Undertale were a little different but still contained a few typical tropes. To be considered a sexyman, a character needed to showcase at least one or two of these traits plus have a dedicated following with a lot of fanart and/or fanfiction. They also can be considered conventionally unattractive or non-human. After the introduction of the Tumblr sexyman, many fandoms tried their best to find a perfect match for the rising phenomenon. And luckily, the Animaniacs/PaTB fandom had their candidate. While Pinky Suavo also caught on very quickly and was more well-known for his episode, Dark Pinky seemed to be the most accurate to the previously established tropes, being tall, white, evil, wearing purple armor, having a mysterious past, and sporting a super cool design. The potential for him was rabid and he seemed to check off all the boxes perfectly. It did take a while for people to find him, considering the comics are so obscure, but eventually Dark Pinky would hit the fandom in a way previously not though of before. Nobody would realize the impact this character would have. Until it was too late.

Dark Pinky is a Sensation (And how the fandom changed him):

Art featured below is by the incredibly talented @wimsiecal And if you're perchance reading this, I just want to tell you that your art is amazing and you have made me obsessed with Dark Pinky to an unhealthy degree!!! :) Seriously please go follow them if you haven't already, I'm begging you!!

After the fandom discovered Dark Pinky from the depths of the comic book series, his popularity skyrocketed, especially after the 2020 fandom revival. He quickly became known as the Pinky and The Brain Tumblr sexyman and that hasn't changed since, though Pinky Suavo has joined him. Dark Pinky fanart, fanfiction, and various other forms of media became extremely sought after and many posts would get thousands upon thousands of views/likes. Despite never appearing in the series, fans of Dark Pinky's would often point out moments where Pinky acted like his evil counterpart, some even editing screenshots to have Pinky appear like him. However, since Dark Pinky only appeared in two comics, the fans naturally had to get creative with him. Many fans have completely changed his character, altering his appearance every so slightly, or expanding on his past and personality. Dark Pinky's fan design was only a tad bit different. He was given sharper edges, different outfits in various shades of purple and black, a more detailed helmet, and he even appeared without the whole getup. Dark Pinky's design without armor or the helmet was entirely made up by fans. Here, he has the same body as Pinky but with scars (including a super cool one over his eye), dark eye shadow, and black painted nails. Dark Pinky's personality was also altered, making him a legitimate threat and an actual evil villain. He kills, his grip on the world is ruthless, he treats his servants like crap, and he shows no mercy to anyone. His comical plots from the comics are no more as he's become kind of scary and menacing. You don't want to mess with him. Yes he does have a sense of humor, but it's often twisted or at the expense of others. Dark Pinky still on occasion does an evil laugh or has a verbal tic but it's usually when he's upset. Some fans have given him a soft side; some of which include his feminine urges remaining intact and that he has a fondness for cheese. But be careful. In a few variations from people in the community, Brain is mysteriously absent. Mentioning Brain to Dark Pinky in those universes will often cause him to go into an insane rage. These fun and interesting pieces that were added to Dark Pinky not only make him more interesting, but add to his status as a Tumblr sexyman. These changes aren't technically canon, but they're arguably better since they make Dark Pinky stand out. It is quite strange to see him change from a comical antagonist to a semi-serious villain worth being feared, but it was much appreciated.

Dark Pinky Gets a Love Interest and an AU (Dark Future Ship/Fan-made Universes):

For the longest time, Dark Pinky didn't have a love interest of any kind. Sure, if you wanted to be shunned you could ship him with Poison Billie (please don't), but Brinky was the name of the game. The ship between Pinky and Brain was, and still is, incredibly popular among fans, after it gained popularity in the late 2000's and early 2010's. And of course when Dark Pinky got popular, he needed someone to be paired with. For a while, he would be shipped with just regular Brain or a fan-made evil version of Brain if creativity was present. Luckily, the fans finally got their perfect match when the Animaniacs reboot came out. In episode 9, the character of Future Brain was created and fans immediately compared him to Dark Pinky. Their color schemes were similar with both mice being seen in purple. Future Brain had a scar, robotic hand, and half of his face was robotic, all of which fit into Dark Pinky's universe very well. The hints that Future Brain was betrayed by Pinky also had many theorizing that he came from a future ruled by Dark Pinky, connecting the two together even more. It wasn't long before Future Brain and Dark Pinky ship fanart and fanfiction began popping up everywhere. Since the duo had very similar esthetics, they could be drawn together easily. The story potential was also very high as well. Dark Pinky and Future Brain dominated (pun intended) the fanbase and soon became seen as an alternate ship to Brinky. But while Brinky was healthy and cute, Dark Future (Often called the official ship name) was toxic and awkward. Some people portrayed them as an evil couple ruling the world together, while others painted their relationship in a negative light, where Dark Pinky was abusive and manipulative. It depended solely on what person was developing the story. Future Brain was also added to the quickly developing Dark Pinky alternate universe which has been shown via the extremely popular ask blog askdarkpinky. Featuring beautiful fanart and a darkly humorous tone, this blog is a must-view for any Dark Pinky fan. It created an expansive universe with lore, locations, and alternate versions of popular characters. Snowball remains consistent in the flashback sequences, aligning with his canon character exactly. Billie retains a majority of elements from Poison Billie minus the orange hair, including the plant themed outfit. Julia has a new look with a lab coat and goggles. She's works for Dark Pinky, making all of his technology. Brain is noticeably absent from this universe, with only hints to his possible location. It's also implied that this is in fact Future Brain and that he might be doing something. Dark Pinky goes crazy when Brain is brought up and refuses to hear anything about him. This drama and conflict is so interesting. The creation of this ship and various alternate universes only increased Dark Pinky's popularity and now, he stands as a cornerstone of the Pinky and The Brain fanbase.

Conclusion: Though Pinky himself is a beloved character, Dark Pinky stands on his own as a fandom favorite. From his design to his personality and potential, he fits the Tumblr sexyman ideology to near perfection. The fans have shaped this character and have made him stand apart from the rest. Sure, he's evil and doesn't treat things with care, but he's a good character. It's really spectacular that people in the community were able to turn Dark Pinky from a villain that existed mainly for comedy to a threatening presence with an un-hinged mindset. The fans are truly to thank for bringing Dark Pinky into greatness and there's hope that he can remain relevant and continue to entertain people (and make people question their sanity/sexuality) for a few more years to come.

OMG!! Pinky Week is finally done!! Woo hoo!! I'd like to thank all of you for sticking with me for this long period of time. You have been the thing that's kept me making these. I'll be taking a small break for the next few days and then Brain Week will begin! I can assure you guys that Brain Week will not take as long and will be better planned out. I can't wait to begin! Anyways, that's it for Pinky Week! Thank you for reading and have a great day/night! Happy (possibly belated) Dark Pinky Thursday to everyone!! Narf!

[geekcat]

The day Zim had been preparing for was finally here. Oh, of course most of his time was spent just being with Dib, and getting both of them prepared for their coming journey, but he had spent some of his free time over the weeks preparing for just this moment.

He'd gone searching for the perfect items, he'd practiced baking until he could make the perfect dessert, and he had even decorated his base—okay, so he had actually just let GIR go wild with the decorations. But it still resulted in a decorated base, and he was ready for Christmas!

His goals were twofold—to ensure Dib had a great holiday, and to show off to Professor Membrane. He'd prove he was good to Dib, and far better than Membrane had been or would ever be!

“Zim, what are you planning?” Dib asked.

“Nothing!” Zim said, gathering some of their presents from under the tree and placing them into a cardboard box. Some were left to be opened later with his minions, and he checked to make sure he had grabbed the right presents.

“You have an evil grin, and I hear you chuckling. You're up to something,” Dib said.

Zim slid the box over to him. “Alright, so I’m plotting to be victorious at this human holiday,” he said. “There's nothing malicious about that, is there?”

Read Chapter 2 of With Eyes to Space on AO3!