#absolutely nothing else happened that was controversial lol

[maybe-theres-hope]

Ok I gotta say something abt this ep

and fellow texans from other areas please tell me if I'm wrong

but I grew up in southeast texas and half my body is basically made up of tex-mex my blood is 72% red enchilada sauce at this point and I have NEVER, NOT ONCE IN MY WHOLE ASS LIFE

SEEN AN OLIVE IN ANY TEX-MEX DISH EVER

i was so blown away by that I'm like..............excuse me????????? 🤣

[toorusluvr]

… ⇢ ˗ˏˋ F.O.M.L PART TWO ࿐ྂ - FUSHIGURO TOJI

characters: coach!fushiguro toji x volleyball player f!reader

cw: college!au + volleyball!au + cunnilingus (f!receiving) + penetrative sex + mentions of creeps bothering the reader 

word count: 5k

note from nis: hi everyone so the long awaited part two of f.o.m.l is finally here. the part one was posted before i did my internship and now i’m three weeks away from completing my internship lol i’m so sorry for the delay. so, i hope this part two will keep you entertained and i apologise in advance if it’s not as good as the part one. the part two focuses on the events that happened before part one took place (did i word this right?) anyway, i hope all of you enjoy this part two as a celebration on officially getting toji animated! <3 thank you and have a great holidays! 

[part 1][part 2] 

Good lord, if Toji was no better than any other men, he would have tried to hit on his student that day. The first time he ever saw you as a woman rather than his student, he almost lost his mind over how fucked up that sounded in his head. He tried to blame himself for ever viewing you as a woman instead of his player but he just couldn’t stop staring at you! 

It was subtle, really. Toji was being subtle with all the staring, not wanting to stir up a crazy controversy around this new place. As a coach, he was supposed to lead his team to victory, not tearing them apart due to his foolish stunt. So, he acted normally like he usually did at his previous college. A grumpy, strict, hot-headed coach he has always been.  

Toji hates… no, he detests disobedience! He will never tolerate anyone talking back to him. Not even a word should be said back to him, no matter who the fuck you think you are. Whenever he asks you to do something, you better do it or else he’s going to lose his shit. You aren’t going to do what he asks you to do? It’s nice knowing you while it lasts. Especially in volleyball. You better follow what the man says. He is not at all nice with his words, he must say that. Most of the time, he would verbally lash out at the players, nitpicking every tiny mistake they make. It’s unbearable at first but hey, that’s how your team got to the final round of volleyball collegiate level! It was a remarkable day and the victory was possible due to Coach Toji’s determination and hard work. 

Coach Toji is never the one to make his players’ sports attire a huge problem in his life. But right now, there is nothing more he hates than how skimpy those shorts look on you at times. He wasn’t a fool! He could clearly see how stupid those college boys look at you in those revealing shorts. They were ogling over you and your teammates. A part of him just wanted to beat the shit out of them for having the audacity to look at what’s not theirs! 

But, he is not any better than those pervs. Coach Toji loves how those shorts look wonders on your legs. The way you stretch your legs on the squeaky floor and the shorts will rise a bit, teasing him with just a small peek of the globe of your ass. Coach Toji does not pay attention to the other players but you… you make him forget that he’s even breathing at the moment. 

Does he regret feeling this way towards his own student? Sometimes, yeah. He’s a grown man and so are you. It’s nothing inappropriate even if it might seem like it. But, he won’t ever act on his dirty thoughts for long as he’s having this job that is keeping him alive. He still has his conscience even if it’s uncontrollable at times. 

Coach Toji isn’t the one who likes having his hands on women he has absolutely no interest in. He avoids touching his players especially but you are an exception. He had to make an exception for you the moment he started to find himself staring at you. The days he started to think you are just what he needs in his life. Another plaything, another toy to keep. Such a precious little thing, his mind would say at every glance he takes. The quiet laughter you share with your teammates, the shy and flustered look every time your eyes meet his piercing gaze. He wouldn’t miss that. Oh, now he definitely knows you want him just as much. You may not want him romantically but it was enough to satisfy him on the you want him sexually part. 

You would think he doesn’t notice the way your body squirms every time he tries to fix your posture before each serve. He indeed notices it and the way your skin turns a bit colder each time his fingertips brush against your skin. The shaky breath you slowly inhale and exhale to calm the raging nervousness set in your heart. Cute. It just drives him to go crazy over you. 

His ‘girlfriend’, the woman he brought as his date to the event, wasn't really his girlfriend. Just another casual fuck buddy that he keeps in case he wants to well… fuck. Better to keep at least someone around anytime he wants to hit. She’s an old friend so no romantic feelings involved and both of them are very clear about it. 

That was merely a stunt to check if you’d get jealous but he never got the answer to his curiosity. You played your part well. Coach Toji was definitely impressed. 

However, a few days later, he received a call from your phone number that he saved in his contacts. Well, well, well, look who came running to him this late at night. Turns out, you couldn’t resist him too, huh? 

The moment he picked up the phone, his heart dropped at the sound of your panicking voice. You were sobbing and crying out for his name. “Coach, I-I’m sorry for calling you at this hour. There are a few guys who are disturbing me… I d-don’t feel safe,” your voice was caught in your throat at the end of the sentence. “Can you get me? Please…” you sobbed, holding your coat tightly to the chest. 

You couldn’t get past the group of guys because there were plenty of them. They were catcalling you and you got scared to walk past them. Calling your coach was the last thing you could do because no one else was nearby the campus at this hour. You went out for the sole purpose of purchasing dinner but then this shit happened. Fuck these guys for making you feel unsafe! 

Coach Toji immediately grabbed his jacket and keys, storming out of his apartment by the campus. “Don’t put the phone down! Stay on the phone with me. I’m coming to get you right now. Stay where you are,” he gritted through his teeth. His anger was off the roof, blood boiling at the thought of you feeling unsafe.

Those men’s faces will meet his fist tonight and he meant it with his whole existence. Whoever puts the people he looks out for in danger is going to be scathed alive. Coach Toji drove to the pinned location where he met a group of men drinking several cans of beer by the road. He spotted you hiding behind the building, hands clutching over your chest. One of the men tried to get you but he never got to approach you as Coach Toji’s fist met his jaw. 

“Don’t you fucking dare make women uncomfortable by your rotten existence, you fucking dipshit,” Coach Toji’s voice seethed. His knuckles burned, slightly scratching his skin off. He was quick to grab you by the hand and you were caught by surprise. Coach Toji stopped in his tracks in front of the group of men. 

“You better get the hell out of here before I call the fucking cops on ya,” he threatened. “If I get one more complaint, on God, I would make sure that each and one of you never sees the lights again.”

Coach Toji didn’t waste any second as he pushed you into the passenger seat. You tried to sob quietly beside your seething coach in his car. He didn’t say a word, just giving you space to calm down. His anger was out of his control but he wouldn’t want you to fear him while being in an unstable condition. He may have some unresolved anger issues but he is not an animal. 

You let your coach take you to wherever he wanted to take you. Knowing him, his players’ safety is under his guidance as well. So, he would never leave you in a place he doesn’t have his faith in. Instead, he brought you to his house by the campus. He’s been staying here for as long as you could remember. 

“Get inside,” Coach Toji instructed. You knew better than saying anything back so you obeyed. The door was unlocked by him and he rushed you inside. “Sit,” he pointed his index finger to the couch in the living room. 

His house was cozy even with the minimal decorations. No clutters except a number of beer cans on the dining table. Maybe he had a few drinks with people before this happened. You sat on the couch and the tears that overflowed before had left its stain on your face. Coach Toji went to his kitchen to grab a bottle of mineral water before handing it to you.

“Tell me what happened.” The screeching sound of the chair being dragged across the marble floor interrupted the silence. Toji placed the chair in front of you and sat across you, manspreading with his elbows planted above his knees. His jet black hair hair was damp, sweats sticking on his forehead. The black t-shirt stretched against his muscular body every time he moved. 

You explained to him that you were buying dinner take outs for yourself and you were on your way home when you stumbled upon the group of guys. They were drunk catcalling you, terrifying you to walk past them. You were stuck because that path was the only way home and out of there. Calling Coach Toji was your only option because he lives near campus and could come to get you as soon as possible. 

Coach Toji let out a heavy sigh. “Those bastards,” he gritted through his teeth. He got up and stood in front of you, keeping both of his hands inside his pocket. 

“Do you know any self-defense?” He asked. 

As embarrassing as it gets, you never really learned basic self-defense. There is no time to learn because of the time you spend on volleyball practices. “No, Coach. Sorry, I don’t know any,” you blurted out. 

“Don’t,” he retorted. “Don’t apologise.” 

Your eyes met his stare. It was instinctive to apologise for not knowing any because most of the time you ever hold a conversation with this man is when he is scolding you or your team members. 

“Sorry, Coach.” It was too late to realise what just came out of your mouth. Another apology that Coach Toji refused to hear. He let out a heavy sigh, clearly disappointed. 

“You think you can sweat tonight?” Coach Toji asked. His black orbs held its gaze with yours for a moment. 

You were clueless but you just said yes to his question. “Good. I’ll teach you basic self-defense. Come closer,” he instructed. “Leave your bag and takeout bags. They are not coming with you.”

Oh, right. You were still holding your shoulder bag and takeout bags in your lap. Putting aside your belongings, you got up and straightened your pullover and jeans. 

Coach Toji’s eyes landed on your outfits. “Those jeans are not going to make do. Do you have your shorts on?”

Safety shorts. You always put them on every time you wear jeans because it’s easier that way. No underwear lines. “Yes,” you hastily answered. 

Coach Toji could feel blood rush to his groin. Fuck. But, he wasn’t going to take advantage of you. He wanted to teach you some basic self-defense moves so it would be useful. He would hate for you to use it though because he doesn’t want any bastards near you to put you in any danger. 

“Put them on,” he commanded. 

You nodded hesitantly. Coach Toji hurriedly looked away so you could take your jeans off. He noticed you were clearing your throat awkwardly so he assumed you’re done. He cleared his throat next, “Alright. Come forward.” 

You did as told. Coach Toji took a step forward too, “First, stand with your feet apart. Align it with your shoulders. You know this. It’s a basic stance.” Within a second, you prepared yourself in the first stance. Coach Toji let out a disapproved noise. He checked your stance and moved his hand to widen the stance of your legs. His skin brushed against your skin and the contact burned you. 

Coach Toji felt the warmth emitted from your skin. “Next, you put your hands up like this,” Coach Toji showed the moves. You tried following and he nodded after your stance convinced him that it’s correct. He let out a satisfied hum before moving closer to fix the stance. 

“The next move requires flexibility. Just like how you did in volleyball. It’s easy. Move your legs like this. Raise them higher,” Coach Toji’s large hands gripped on your left thigh and moved them upwards, lifting your legs to kick the air. 

You let out a deep sigh as you felt the burning sensation over your inner thighs. “I think I pulled a muscle,” you winced in pain. Coach Toji furrowed his eyebrows. He didn’t think you pulled a muscle, maybe it’s just a light strain. 

“Sit down,” he pointed his index finger to the couch and you obliged. Coach Toji inspected your smooth thighs, his fingers running along your skin. His other hand gripped on your flesh with a firm grip. 

“I don’t think you pulled a muscle,” he confirmed. 

You bit on your lower lip. Maybe it was a false alarm? 

“Um, okay, Coach.”

Coach Toji raised one of his eyebrows at you, “You didn’t stretch properly.”

The tone of his voice was hinting on accusing you for not stretching properly. You felt offended somehow because you did stretch properly before learning the self-defense mechanism. But, it’s only normal for him to have an accusatory tone because that’s how he has always been. 

“Quiet already?” Coach Toji asked, staring straight into your eyes. He let out a heavy sigh again. “I thought you girls are so talkative even when I am around. Ya think I didn’t know what you guys were talking about me the other day?” 

Your heart dropped at the sudden mention of the other day’s incident. It’s none other than the woman herself who told him about it. Coach Toji had a good laugh after the woman told him about it. Well, she wasn’t wrong about it neither did his players. 

“I- well, we…” your words trailed off, not knowing where to begin to defend yourself. “It was a joke. I apologise on behalf of my teammates. I assure you it will not happen again.” 

“So, you think my sex life is a joke to you girls?” He blurted out. Coach Toji was not being serious about it but it was exciting to see the panicked look on your face. You looked so helpless right now and it rubbed his ego in the wrong way. 

Your cheeks heated, your breath became unsteady, palms turned colder the moment he said that in your face. No one was supposed to overhear the stupid conversation that put you in trouble right now. It was a foolish bet that could possibly hurt no one. But, luck wasn’t on your team’s side that day. Coach Toji’s girlfriend heard it all and placed her bet on it too. 

That stupid little game put you in trouble and you became the hero that saved your teammates the trouble. Gosh, being the hero doesn’t sound so good right now. Not with the killing stare Coach Toji was giving you. 

“Maybe it’s about time for me to stress that you girls really need to mind your own business. My sex life has nothing to do with you people,” Coach Toji sternly said. He noticed your jaw ticked, eyebrows furrowed when he scolded you for the mess that your teammates created. 

“Again, Coach. I apologise on behalf of my teammates. It was a foolish bet that has nothing to do with you,” you gulped, shaky eyes and heavy breaths. Coach Toji shrugged, dismissing your apologies. 

He found it funny that he didn’t find it offensive at all but God, did he try to control himself from not spoiling you right there and now. Coach Toji was about to lose everything on his goddamn mind seeing that innocent face of yours trying to make up for the team.

“Oh, sweetheart. If only you knew,” the man sighed. “Want to see it for yourself so you can brag to your teammates all about it?” 

Your eyes shivered. That wasn’t how you planned to describe what you were feeling in that moment but for sure your eyes did shiver! Every hairs on your body rose, skin prickled with heat in embarrassment or arousal – it was either of them, you were not quite sure which of them was it. 

“I- no, that is not what I meant,” you stuttered in your place. Both of your feet were stuck to the floor. You could not move an inch because Toji was staring daggers at you. His piercing gaze could kill you, steal all of your breaths and finally, leave your body on the floor. 

“Ever dreamed about me, doll?” Coach Toji took a step forward, and you could feel the warmth of his muscular body emitting. His black shirt hugging every inch of his biceps and that rock hard abs. The man brought his one hand over your face, cupping your delicate jaw. The friction between your shorts and the restraining tent on his pants flipped the switch in your brain. 

Your breath hitched again. “I’ll take that as a yes,” you heard him whisper just beside your ears. His minty breath tickled your already heightened senses. Coach Toji’s palm landed on your stomach, pushing you onto the couch. His very much larger build hovered on top of you. 

That man’s mind was a battlefield. He didn’t know what he should do at this moment other than wrecking you. A part of him wanted to go gentle but he said fuck it, and just do whatever his guts were telling him to do. He could not waste this chance. He wanted to show you how a real man should satisfy his partner, though you aren’t really his to begin with. As long as you get to taste just an ounce of his intention, he’s fine with it. 

“Do you want this, doll? Whatcha say?” Coach Toji’s voice broke the silence again. Slowly, he lifted your chin to meet his eyes. 

Your breath staggered, chest rising up and down heavily. Without any hesitation, you nodded your head – not knowing what the future has in store for you. It was all in the heat of the moment and you could not deny the heat pooling in between your legs. 

Coach Toji’s lips caught your lower lip. Gently, he nibbled on the soft lips he sneakily admired from afar. The urge to just devour you was getting stronger each second. Coach Toji’s impatient hands almost ripped your shirt out. But then he thought you deserved better than that. He wanted to at least be respectful of your current state. He groaned into your mouth as his hands snuck their way in your shirt. His calloused hands lightly stroked your stomach, igniting a fire in your systems. 

You let out a soft pant as he removed your shirt for you. If it were up to him, the shirt would be ripped off in a millisecond but he was holding himself back. It was a surprise to him too. He was never patient, he would admit.

Coach Toji looked down to where your nipples were poking through the material of your bra. A smirk plastered across his face seeing you got aroused. Your back was comfortably laid on the couch and Coach Toji’s huge frame looming on top of you. The man’s minty breath ghosted over your neck, littering soft kisses on the thin skin. He sucked and nibbled on your skin, instantly decorating it with the red marks. 

Your fingers clawed on his ripped back, careful to not make it sting. Maybe it was the chemical reactions in your system, but you couldn’t defy the electrifying feeling to grind against the man’s forming tent. His lips left traces on your skin as he went lower and lower. 

“Oh, God,” you whimpered once he situated his face in between your thighs. A smirk plastered across his manly, “sculpted by God himself” face. He roughly pulled down your pants, almost ripping the fabric into tiny pieces. He was growing impatient as time passed by. He couldn’t just stand there trying to refrain himself from spoiling you. You turned him this way, and he wasn’t complaining one bit. 

Right now, you wanted to run away so bad. But, the way Coach Toji was looking at you as if you were the greatest gift that has ever happened to him, successfully changed your mind. The way his gaze glistened with pride once he undressed you naked. His eyes observing every inch of your body with the smug smile on his face. His calloused hands reached for your thighs, circling both of them with his hands. 

“So fucking tempting,” he grunted in his deep raspy voice. “How could I not love this sight?”  

Coach Toji continued to taunt you as your body squirmed underneath him. He couldn’t let himself be patient any longer. The man ensured you were watching him the moment he spat on your cunt, and you shivered feeling the warmth of the liquid. 

You felt a long lick along your folds, back arched against the couch with your eyes shut. A burning sensation electrified your whole body. This feeling made you feel like you were a brand new woman. Nothing ever felt like Coach Toji’s tongue, not even your exes. Is this because he’s far more experienced? But, God, was it so good that you almost cried that night. 

Coach Toji threw a look at you, eyes shut closed — not daring to meet his eyes. Cute. 

His tongue sucked and nibbled on your folds before it moved to your clit. A cry escaped past your lips as he sucked hard on the bundle of nerves. Your instant reflex was to tug on his hair and he was pissed off. But, he fucking loved the way you pulled on his hair when he was devouring you like this. So precious for him. And obedient too. He would do anything just to have you in his home again. 

“Ah! Please!” You cried out after trying so hard to keep your noises to yourself. You were panting heavily, eyes finally met the man’s piercing gaze staring up at you. The scar on his lips lifted as a smirk plastered across his face, daunting you with mischief. 

Coach Toji went back up, towering you once again. “Please what, doll? Use your big girl words. You’re a smart girl. Try harder.” 

Your heart almost jumped out of your chest at his words. “Please… give me more, sir,” the word ‘sir’ hung in the air. Only Coach Toji’s steady breathing accompanied the silence. His blood rushed to his already half hard cock at the name you just called him. This might be the first time he is affected by the sound of your voice. 

“Give you what?” Coach Toji smirked. 

You gulped, your throat burned at throwing the words out of your mouth. Before you spoke, your breath hitched, stopping you to form coherent sentences. “Please use your cock on me, sir,” your lips trembled once you spat the words out loud. Loud enough for him to hear you. 

“Good. That’s what I thought,” he sighed. “Let me stretch you out before I use my cock on you, hm, doll?” 

That statement gave you chills. You peeked at his fingers. The girth of his fingers made it hard for you to breathe. It’s gonna burn, for sure. Coach Toji commanded you to look at him. You got scared of his stern voice. With nervousness coiling your stomach, you kept your eyes on Coach Toji, paying attention to every one of his acts. 

He brought two of his fingers to his lips, wetting them in his mouth. Saliva coating his two fingers right after, followed by a loud pop sound. “Tell me if it hurts,” he muttered under his breath. Your back arched once again once you felt his two fingers slid so easily inside your cunt, penetrating the tight walls with its girth. Once his thumb found your clit, you felt this swirling feeling inside of your stomach. The circular motion got your head spinning and panting for more. 

Coach Toji watched your breasts bounce up and down with an awe smirk plastered across his face. Your eyes shut closed, hands clutching on the couch. Feeling his lust got the best of him, his mouth then covered one of your nipples and gave them a hard suck. Your breath hitched again before letting out audible moans. 

The squelching noises that filled his living room echoed in the back of your mind. Your moans and his grunts mixed all together. “C-coach, wait, wait,” you paused. 

His eyebrows furrowed when you called out for him. But, he didn’t pull his fingers out and kept his steady pace. Your face washed with pleasure and struggled to get the words out. 

“Wh-what about your girlfriend?” You finally uttered the question you have been meaning to ask before this happened. His girlfriend would kill you if she found out that her boyfriend is secretly screwing his student behind her back. 

“She is not my girlfriend,” he asserted. Coach Toji met your gaze, “Don’t worry about a fucking thing. You are mine tonight.” He dared to say that with his two fingers languidly stroking your insides, abusing your tight walls with pleasurable pain. 

You moaned once again, climax almost washed all over you. Coach Toji bit on his inner cheeks, grunting as he drew firm circles on your clit, flicking the sensitive bud to give you the orgasm that you never had before him. And when it hit, you found yourself screamed in a high-pitched scream as you had your first orgasm. You were gasping for air but Coach Toji covered your mouth with his addictive kiss. 

His sexy lips nibbled on your lower lip, softly sucking on your plump lip before he terrorised your mouth. As his one hand cupped your jaw, the other free hand rashly undid his pants and his briefs. Once he undressed himself, he let out a groan after breaking the kiss. He never wanted to let go of your lips at that moment. 

You looked down at his throbbing cock in his hand. The length and the girth gave you a second thought. 

Will it fit? 

Will it hurt? 

It’s terrifying enough just at the glance of his dick. 

“Bend your legs for me, love,” he murmured. When you did, he wasn’t satisfied. So, Coach Toji took the matter into his own hands and bent your legs as far as you could. You hissed in pain but surprisingly, he kissed the pain away. 

Coach Toji sighed the moment the warmth of your slick touched his cock. He slid his length along your folds, just rubbing it back and forth, tormenting you with hasty moves. You winced because of the sensitivity after coming down from your high. 

“It’s- it’s sensitive,” you cried a plea.

Coach Toji held your thighs open before he buried his cock inside you. God, it was so warm and he almost lost his mind that night. Your walls were squeezing around his tip so tight. He slowly bottomed out but that only made you cry louder. It was painful but in a good way. The pain was minimal because you were already stretched out by his fingers earlier. 

His head was thrown back once his length was fully inside you. Slowly, he rocked his hips to set his pace. You sobbed back a tear, watching his cock sliding in and out of you. Indescribable feelings clouded your mind, disabling you to form coherent sentences. His stroke was so damn good, you were sure you almost wished tonight to never come to its end. 

Your legs kept on closing against your will because of the building climax. Coach Toji grunted under his breath as his frustration grew from keeping your legs open. 

“You need to be more flexible, doll,” he hissed. “Your legs need to be stretched out more.”

Whatever he said didn’t make sense to you when he got you all speechless. You let him belittled you and all he ever received was a bunch of whines and cries. Coach Toji watched every single of your facial expressions as his cock hit every sensitive spot inside your inviting cunt. 

“Fuck, I already love your pussy, baby,” Coach Toji groaned before giving another thrust that gave you a loud moan. “I am not changing my mind about your pussy,” his minty breath hovered in the corner of your lips. His tongue slid into your mouth, his bare hand fondling and pinching on your hardened nipples. 

His pace was ruthless, leaving your tongue tied. You were sure it was going to leave you limping the following day. Coach Toji wrapped your legs around his waist, pounding into you so hard. You were nothing but tears and snots in the comfort of his living room. He introduced all sorts of new unlocked feelings that night. But, you couldn’t help thinking of the consequences of tonight’s event tomorrow and the day after. What will happen between the both of you? What if someone finds out?  How are you going to look at him in the eyes during practice? How’s your future going to look like? Are you just another one of his fucktoy? 

The overthinking collides with your urge to come around his cock for the second time. And he gave it to you willingly. The high that you never expected you’d experience in your lifetime. Truly, Coach Toji knows how to fuck. It leaves you wondering if he makes love just as good as he fucks. 

[quaranmine]

I know I already commented this on AO3 but I literally cant stop thinking about this fic and I so want to talk someone's ears off irl. Cuz holy fuck. I just absolutely the characterization in the story. The voice and expression of Grian is just so palpable and well-written. You sympathize for the guy even as he digs himself deeper into the abyss. Like, I know from the beginning, from playing Firewatch, that there is no conspiracy, just circumstances. But you understand where Grian is coming from, you hope that he is in some ways right, that Mumbo is still out there (doesnt help that Im a mumbo main lol). At some point, part of you just believe the conspiracy along with him even as everyone else, including the back of your own mind, tells you otherwise. And the other part wants to grab Grian from the other side of the screen and shake him til he realizes. That fucking dread of in some way knowing the ending just created that underlying layer of tension when reading. And, as someone else has pointed out, Grian's agency in his search for Mumbo being like denied somewhat fits in so well and just hits home that, nothing is really in his control, that its all just an accident. Its that gut-renching punch and realization that is stuck in my head after reading chapter 11. And im glad that chapter 12 presents some closure and breathing room. Its not the ending, but its an ending and a start. The melancholy of the last chapter, of Grian's acceptance and him finally meeting Scar. All of it is just, GOD. Anyways, excuse my ramblings, I love this fic and its genuinely one of the best Ive read. You did an amazing job.

THANK YOU!!!! I love this review of my work so much, as well as your AO3 review :)

I like that you bring out that having played Firewatch clued you in on the lack of conspiracy. I know the game's ending is controversial, but I actually like it a lot. I love the way the game makes you paranoid and how the remoteness of the setting reinforces that. I love how it's just a story about broken people running from their problems. Whenever I think about the game, I think about this Medium article I read (massive game spoilers.)

And so with this story, I didn't want to do the same thing as the game's plot, but I wanted to harness some of the same themes and explore them in my own way. I think the fic works well alongside the game because it sort of complements it, neither requiring prior game knowledge to read nor spoiling the game--but having game knowledge makes it even better.

I worked backwards knowing I was going to have an obvious ending. It's obvious because it's the most realistic option. But there is also an interesting extra level of writer-reader meta to play with, which is that nearly everyone is primed to sympathize with and believe the pov character. Everyone is also generally primed to expect better ending, or to expect that impossible will somehow happen because it's a fiction story. So I knew that readers would start off with a similar hope to Grian. And I knew that as the story went on further and further, I could direct readers toward the real conclusion. At some point, the very length of the fic itself and number of chapters left with make readers realize they're running out of time for things to happen. At some point, the reader is going have an objective picture of events and realize how irrational some of Grian's actions are.

I'm glad it worked to create a lot of tension! I also think the way a lot of other characters interact with Grian creates tension, because most of them are sort of "scared" to be direct with him since they know it'll upset him. And the way every one of Grian's actions keep adding and adding until the potential consequences grow greater and greater continue to add to the out-of-control feeling of this story. My goal for his character was always to keep pushing him to see where it led. It was a sad story to write, but it's a fun one to analyze for me.

I'm glad you liked chapter 12. I wanted it to try and resolve some of the things that needed to be said still, and provide a little bit of rest from the last three major action-filled chapters. The story is really 11 chapters of getting Grian to the first step in healing, and chapter 12 is that first step. It isn't the last one. Just the first.

Also my condolences for being a Mumbo main, I really need to get my blorbo rights revoked. I've been privately joking for the past year about fridging the poor man 😭mumbo ily i promise

[milfjagger]

okay so... give us the list of folk horror films that are good please. 🤲

ok this took a while but here we go! it ended up being more than 10 lol

the wicker man (1973) - the definitive british folk horror film. midsommar wants to be the wicker man soooo bad it's embarrassing

the blood on satan's claw (1971) - i haven't seen this one in a long time but it's a pretty chilling early 70s british film centring around a demonic cult in 18th century england

night of the demon (1957) - ok so you know the sample at the beginning of hounds of love by kate bush, where a voice says "it's in the trees! it's coming!" that's from this film!!!! just barely in the folk horror category but it's based on a story by m.r. james who is one of THE iconic folk horror writers so imo it counts

a warning to the curious (1972) - also based on a story by m.r. james, this was part of a long-running annual bbc series called 'a ghost story for christmas'. it's only about 30 minutes long and very dated but I think that gives it extra charm and even a bit of extra creepiness

the juniper tree (1990) - icelandic retelling of the grimm's fairy tale, starring björk and featuring an incredibly beautiful soundtrack

the company of wolves (1984) - based on the short stories of angela carter in her compilation 'the bloody chamber'. this is probably more fairytale horror than folk horror but i LOVE this film and if you like intense psychosexual overtones and incredible practical effects then you will too

the devil rides out (1968) - classic hammer horror with christopher lee so you know it's gonna be a banger

wake wood (2009) - probably the most underrated irish horror film of all time (and that's saying a lot bc there really aren't many). really scary film with the "came back but wrong" premise. watch this one

the hallow (2013) - another one from ireland. it's not amazing but including it bc i don't think i've ever seen another horror film fully embrace the idea that faeries are actually terrifying. practical effects are also cool as hell

kill list (2011) - i'll be honest with you I didn't understand half of what was happening in this film and it's been on my to-rewatch list for ages. it starts out as a cerebral cop drama and descends into absolute madness like it literally has to be seen to be believed

a field in england (2013) - probably the modern folk horror film that comes closest to what british directors were doing with the genre in the 70s. it's trippy, impenetrable and often kinda funny, i really recommend this one

pyewacket (2017) - offbeat canadian indie film that you will either find really creepy or really boring. i thought the ending in particular was incredibly chilling

the ritual (2017) - i feel like everyone has seen this film at this point but i had to recommend it anyway bc it blends folk horror with monster movie and it's super fucking terrifying. i also highly recommend the novel by adam neville which if anything is even scarier

the witch (2015) - again everyone has seen this and has an opinion but it's one of my favourite horror films of all time

pet sematary (1989) - the iconic stephen king classic that is still really scary to this day

pumpkinhead (1988) - another film that is super underrated imo. people who love the creature design in the ritual should remember the OG

men (2022) - controversial opinion perhaps but i think this film was actually kinda brilliant. if nothing else it is super twisted and horrifying

on my list of i haven't watched this yet but people say it's really good: penda's fen (1974), witchfinder general (1968), the lair of the white worm (1988) (i know i know i call myself a ken russell fan and i haven't even seen lair of the white worm)

a radio play: children of the stones on bbc radio 4 (available on spotify hee hee)

and a couple of books: fairy tale (1996) by alice thomas ellis, and the owl service (1967) by alan garner. the owl service is for kids but it really did a number on me aged 12 and it still holds up as a classic. I think there's an old bbc series but i haven't got round to watching it yet :)

[darianias]

Is this normal for Demis or are these just me???

I have ADHD so this just getting bigger lol but I guess this can apply to anyone, esp the second part, but in this case it's in a semi context for me?

A fun and interesting aspect of being #demisexual and #demiromantic (at least towards functional characters in my case as that's what this is about and I've only ever felt this way towards them, probably a psychological thing tbh) or it could just be a me thing... Either way!

Is that the longer I hyperfixate or enjoy a fandom for extended periods of time I tend to slowly fall for more people even YEARS after I started it and I pick it back up later. 😂

Like in Demon Slayer / Kimetsu no Yaiba this past week or the week before I fell for Obanai. Like I had no inkling of an idea that this would happen . I have now fallen for all but one of the Hashira men (men, not male), Gyomei and also have fallen for Yoriichi.

Like... when I first watched it, I would not of been able to tell you this, heck I believe when I first read/finished the manga I had one. ONE guy I simped for being Kyojuro, I believe. Maybe two (second being Giyu) as I have no sense of time, but I know Sanemi was the third for me, and that happened AFTER I finished the manga.

Like I felt nothing for most of them, heck any of them for a while, given I watched season 1 when it came out partially and felt nothing, then the rest when the Mugen train movie came out, still nothing. Then I watched the second season and read the manga and finished it immediately after. (The second season being when I was like Oh SHIT. NO. HE DIES. HEART WHYYY) And now I feel like I am unintentionally "playing pokemon" with the adult male slayers (to count Yoriichi in) like.... 😂

I don't think I'll fall for any of the Oni / demons.... but that's under my terms as for me looking at their human forms and the Oni / demon forms is like comparing Crisis Core Sephiroth to when the Jenova virus/genetics has taken over his mind, or like a zombie virus, they aren't quite the same people imo. Like I simp for Sane Sephiroth, not the most famous/infamous one lol. So like an example: Hakuji =/= Akaza, as he's not himself when he's an Oni.

That being said I've gotten attached to a few of those former lives so time will tell I guess? If that attachment will go anywhere else? 😂😅

(Note: so far I've never felt that sort of attraction towards women- just squishes, would like to be QPPs or kinning at most- so I'm assuming I'm demi-het but I don't have enough experience with NB characters to know yet for sure. But for all I know any of that can change. 🤷‍♀️ Everytime I happens in general it takes me by surprise lol)

ALSO THINKING ABOUT HAVING FEELINGS ABOUT TWO DIFFERENT VERSIONS OF CHARACTERS, this might get controversial/ me cancelled but fuck it

A REALLY WEIRD THING (might also just be a me thing, that might get me cancelled but y'know fuck it) is being attracted to a character's adult version, like in fan art??? So like attracted to aged up versions of characters.

For example, Eijiro Kirishima from MHA. Like I feel absolutely nothing towards canon Kirishima other than he's a sweet baby that needs protected at all costs. But then I saw a fan art of adult him huge and buff/beef cake with long but still kinda spiky hair similar to l Ryoma from Fire Emblem Fates or Like Axel/Lea from Kingdom Hearts (that might of been not helping ) and I feel attracted to that specific version of him. Like very, very, specifically, even other fanarts of a grown up versions of him just doesn't hit me without that hair or him without long hair and idk why. I don't normally feel attracted to someone bc of physical qualities so I cannot even phantom an explainstion😅😂

LIKE THIS PICTURE RIGHT HERE, THIS EXACT PICTURE STARTED IT I HAD TO GO FIND IT and it just makes me feel mushy everytime, credit in alt text:

So like when I watch the anime or read the manga it just feels like looking at an old school picture book, photo albums and videos at MOST. Like PRECIOUS BEAN, I protecc. That is a child, a puppy. I could NEVER. And then I see the fan adult version of him and I swear it's like two brothers?? or a dad and son??? but it's the same character and like...?? It makes me feel real weird and awkward bc like... yeah he has Kirishima's personality 1:1 but I don't feel that way about actual canon Kirishima myself as that is A HUGE NO. That is a baby in my eyes.💀🤢 Like I legitimately usually watch/read with me thinking of me/my sona as married to Aizawa and helping the class or with Keigo/Hawks. (Or a sane, au version of Touya/Dabi but that's less typical bc the canon one also is a big no for me, he is scary 😬😰)

This also has happened with Bakugo and Shouto too later, like.... y'all need to stop with the adult versions of them bc they're making me feel things which are kinda controversial (at least on TikTok) which makes me feel kinda anxious about it all 😵‍💫, and then like I create two versions of them in my head because I just love the fandom adult versions of them??? And it feels separate from the canon version?

And at least with TikTok's climate I couldn't tell many people this in like comments, bc they immediately assume I am a predator- which like esp if not specified I can get 💯 but like. It's not like that 💀 I stumbled upon some fan art of a guy who could be his elder brother or father and like that is who I like.

Is this somewhat normal or just me??? 😭😰

[coneygoil]

3 movies that get tons of hate, but are my favorites

Pocahontas 2

Y'all, I know all the reasons why this movie is hated on. From the straight-to-video sequel to the controversy about the real Pocahontas to the Pocahontas/John Smith shippers enraged. This movie has a lot against it, but from the first time I saw it back in the 90's, I absolutely adored this movie! Pocahontas was my 2nd fave princess at the time. This movie gave her more depth and honestly think she was even more courageous with having to travel to a different world and trust John Roth and go before the King even though he could easily sentence her to death. The scene where she confronts the king and he asks, "Why do you come here when so many speak against you and you could lose your life?" and she replies, "because I speak the truth." The song "Where do I go from here?" helped me get through one of the worse depressions I ever had. The animation is actually pretty good for a disney toons movie. The new characters were likable. I will love this movie even when no one else ever will <3

Super Mario Bro. (1993)

My 11 year old self was so excited for this movie when it came out. I saw it twice at the theater! The story has nothing to do with the video game and it's one of the weirdest plots and atmospheres ever created. But if you really hash out the story and see the creativity in the set designs and costuming, it's actually a pretty good movie! Weird, but good. The casting was perfect to me. I'll always love this version.

Rise of Skywalker

HEAR ME OUT. I spent many years avoiding the SW sequel trilogy. I finally gave in and watched "The Force Awakens" earlier this year and enjoyed so much that I kept watching it lol. I did not share the same love for "The Last Jedi" (and if you liked that one, that's cool...I just didnt). I'd heard so much hate for "Rise of Skywalker" and was going into thinking it was going to awful. But, it wasn't. I know the Emperor returning and the Sith plot was retconned in bc the plot derailed in the 2nd movie, but despite that, it was a fun adventure movie with Rey, Finn, Poe, Chewie, and the droids on a quest. It got emotional with Leia dying then Han makes an appearance and so many cameos happen. I seriously LOVE this movie. It hurts my heart that there's a huge amount of hate or meh attitude toward. But I guess someone has to love the hated movies. I happily volunteer for this one!

[paperstorm]

As someone who used to read quite a lot of Buddie fics, but watches the OG there does tend to be quite a few fics about the whole Eddie abandoning Buck thing or just playing up the Buck is a victim card. However, I think those tend to be the ones that focus more on the individual storylines for Buck/Eddie that happened in S3 and another incident that happened to Buck in S5 in order to construct their characterization of both Buck/Eddie instead of their individual complexities. (There was a whole fandom controversy that happened this year because of this in terms of the portrayal of BIPOC characters vs victim Buck in fics. But that is a whole other complex conversation.) But yeah, I do agree there are people in the Buddie fandom (and otherwise) who tend to get lost in their version of these two characters/their relationship to the point where they harass the writers, people in the fandom (and a journalist once 😖) for not writing/talking about their relationship in the way they want. It's harder to do out in the wild (i.e. other social media sites), but blocking people on here has really done wonders for my enjoyment in interacting with the fandom on both fronts. Anyway, I get what the anon is saying. The impressions I get of the characters (in crossover fics) varies depending on which show is the main focus of the story, which makes sense to me since you're seeing the story through the eyes of how the authors perceive and portray each show and its characters. It's interesting to see what different people focus on and pull from regardless of what I know about/how I personally perceive the characters through each show.

Interesting. I am so 10000% for shipping literally whatever you want, like I do not care if it's toxic or immoral or whatever like think your little thoughts friend, do you! But I draw such a hard line at involving the real people in it lol. Tweeting fandom shit at the actors/writers/creators/whoever else is such a hard no for me, even if you're doing it in a positive way. So harassing a journalist is NOT GREAT! And yeah I like ... again, know nothing at all of Buddie other than a handful of crossover fanfics, but another unfortunate regular fandom occurrence is woobifying the white character and giving the BIPOC character negative traits, or like making them angrier or more aggressive or more violent than they are in canon. I genuinely don't think the majority of people do this on purpose but it does happen, and part of the work of learning to be anti-racist is recognizing that and learning to stop it before it starts. Letting characters of colour be soft and sensitive and cared-for is so important. i'm so firmly on the train of soft Carlos literally for this reason, like he is a cop, he's physically large, he's a person of colour, he's portrayed in the show as very confident, but we are gonna let him be soft dammit. We are gonna let him be quiet and insecure and anxious and TK is gonna give him absolutely all the snuggles.

[theequeerstrian]

Just wanna thank u for your tags on the dog post. So many dog breeds are not for average homes, and the dog parent trend has been a Whole Thing. People forget that animals are animals.

Man I am PASSIONATE about dogs, especially breeds that are better off in experienced homes. I absolutely adore my doverman, but man he is kind of a lot. I've caught myself thinking "oh he's so easy, what was the big deal about breeders wanting to be sure I knew what I was doing" but then I remembered I grew up always having dogs, and having a big variety of breeds including pits, a shar pei mix, shepherds, and one doberman so like... of course with my privilege of experience my dog who'd be considered soft *for a show line doberman* was pretty easy to raise and train... and even so, there were no lack of challenges! It's just that I consider a great number of challenges to be fully expected.

Every single dog deserves a good home.

Some folks just need to be honest with themselves and understand that they might not be that home for that breed.

Honestly, I've come to LIKE the doodle trend if for NOTHING ELSE than the simple fact that I have seen them outweighing pits in casual pet homes. And doodles are MUCH more suited for that. They're super easy to train ime, I've never seen one with dog aggression, and even if one did attack they don't have a jaw/head structure that could challenge a hyena for bite force.

Some people don't need certain dogs and that should not be a controversial statement!

It is not all in how you raise them. Good training is critical for any dog, but you cannot train away generations upon generations of artificially selected for traits. It's just not fair.

Lol woops I ranted again BUT I JUST REALLY CARE ABOUT DOGS, and no dog deserves to be pts because it had an owner who refused to acknowledge the dog's potential inherent nature, but once a dog becomes a killer, euth is typically the only real option left. As a pet professional (former dog groomer, very occasional dog training advisor, amateur horse trainer), I have seen it entirely too many times. The dogs deserve better, and MANY times it wouldn't have happened if the dog had had more responsible owners (not all- sometimes something is just Very Wrong with an animal. I've seen this a lot as well).

Here, have this bic of my dogs cuddling on the couch at our new place for tax.

[repl1c4nt]

i wanna uhhhhhh update my ffxvi post: i did end up giving it a chance and so i will elaborate on the Me (tm) official review: theres a lot buckle in (spoilers for th3 entire game)

ok.,,,,,,...... now dat were all here letz go

First id just like to say soken delivers another phenomenal soundtrack(no surprize there) Historie - the holy empire and Titan lost are some of my favorite tracks in the game i cannot say i expected anything otherwise and it was a delight to get to every major dominant battle to hear what he cooked

on the topic of battle the gameplay was another huge plus for me. when all else failed i found myself returning to ffxvi for the gameplay alone because it is very genuinely fun, fast paced, and i enjoyed the variety of each eikon it kept rhe game fresh for me espically when it slowed down in every other aspect, i enjoyed every eikon battle to death whenever i couldnt decide if i /liked/ the game while playing i remember fighting titan. i had no clue how the fight would play out despite being late to the scene and i was blown away by how good it was. everything about it was so enjoyable it honestly empowered me to get to the rest of them and bahamut was just as much of a treat. it helped i love dion (i will be getting to characters) and his phase themes (beyond the heavens&ascension) were brilliant. the bahamut fight much like titan did not disappoint. for me at least it felt odin had a bit of a much welcomed difficulty spike enjoyed that fight a lot even if it wasnt as cinematic as bahamut and titan

speaking of... cinematic scenes were a weak point to me.. as cool as they were and they /were/ i cant help but feel like there had to be a better way to interrupt the fight. sometimes it really took me out of the moment to have my fight paused to just like press a button or mash or some shit. its fine just got old /fast/

as far as the rest of the battles they were all fun adn well and good.. i enjoyed every fight theme and found every fight mostly enjoyable although i cant help but feel the DPS check section fighting ultima where you kinda fly arounf him in circles would have been leagues more fun if it was a drakengaerd 3 style synced to thr music event... imagine that....it would be so awesome it woukd be so cool................. anyway as far as the actual final fight.. well lets get to the characters and story first

i wont be discussing the controversy surrounding the game because, despite it impacting my experience playing the game in very real ways, it just isnt what i wanna get into in this base post

alright. maybe i wasnt paying rnough attention but the story to me fell apart when ultima became a bigger actor on the stage. absolutely dont get the lad or the crystals. were destroying yhe mother crystals cos theyre killimg the planet fine well and good the story's pacing in this part was really wonk to me haha it would go from desperately boring an sluggish to fun for a moment and then just so boring again. it wasnt until the final two mother crystals when i became invested in whats happening. the mothercrystal plot twist was like oh ok well cid died for nothing /shrug i really dgaf either way i only really care my beloved mid. i really found myself most invested when characters i liked specifically becme involved with the plot (dion its dion its always dion)

dion's story to me was easily the best (yes my favorite heavensward character was aymeric. whos fucking surprised) fang and and vanille always had the most profound impact on me as far as ff relations go and its def because they were the closest thing we had to a canonical queer relationship and i will say dion and terance felt.. good? i know theyre not the /best/ and fang and vanille were leagues ahead of them a decade ago bit theres that just the way theres no question about their queerness just felt so good to see as a long time queer fan of the series who put up w its homophobic moments lol........... they were definitely a genuine highlight for me and their relationship was so beautiful and refreshing i wish we saw more of them.. especially because clive and jill just did not hit lolll. i couldnt believe how little i resonated with clive, joshua too. for me i usually have no problem relating to the main cast they all feel so human and real even when theyre cartoonish theres an undeniable down to earthness and relatability of most of the ff main casts i just couldnt bring myself to really care about clive

jill's story was for a brief moment something interesting and exciting. this was a woman in a yoshi p game w her own arc where the male character plays a fully supportive role and she isnt put in a passive role for her own story to move someone elses development along jill for the briefest moment maintains her own active will to get closure on her trauma where she isnt punished for it its just so disappointing its her only moments in the game. her character arc is chapters short and afterwards she would almost exclusively play passive roles, even giving clive her powers after they share an equally intimate scene both naked and venerable only for a dynamic to be reinserted through the form of dominant's power

clive was just nothing to me, i honestly tried to like him and i did mostly enjoy joshua as a character but i just did not ever care for his story ultima was so unfleshed out and strange ffxvi was best when it was pretty grounded to the on continent conflicts, the story doesnt feel like it was built around ultima the story honestly feels like it was built around the empire and ultima was an after thought. and man vs empire and then suddenly extraterrestrial/celestial freaks are involved isnt even uncommon ff plot progression. i could play like 5 other final fantasy games at that point. if the combat in ffxvi werent so addicting it would have nothing. (untrue of course it always has a brilliant soundtrack) i just really did not like the way the game built off itself it never felt natural or believable. none of the conflict with ultima felt grounded or natural or like it was built up in any meaningful way

i really dont understand the hype around clive hes very genuinely just a pretty face. i just dont care about u at all no matter how hard i tried

i never cared about hugo or benedickta either, although theyre like tertiary antagonists to be fair

joshua was another highlight for me. hes just very polite and jote was cute if definitely underutilized. i really dont have much else to say i wasnt surprised he died

clive i knew would die, that was a spoiler i knew w out a doubt going in and i was completely disappointed in it anyway. joshua made sense at Least he was basically dying the entire game and dion well. it makes sense yoshi p would kill the one gay man we cant have shit in eorzea but seeing clives entire arc be no dont kill yourselfffffff..... the world and its endless beauty is a bounty of possibilities and meaning. just to die anyway feels well. it just feels and to be fair clive did sacrifice himself for the lives of others but the scene where cid tells clive not to kill himself- regardless of how ungentle he put it- just feels so empty because well clive u could hav just killed yourself there i guess. sorry you were a slave for 13 years youll die before you get to live your life for yourself. like cmon narratively a more satisfying arc for him would have been to overcome this and live for himself even if he has to live w out joshua. he can move on hes done it partially before hes accepted himself he must live but he doesnt get to

its a shame. also unrelated the final fantasy namedrop made me reel but i forgave it for honestly being a little camp......... the lodestone name drop is Not forgiven. just horrible someone shpuld be fired

i dont really have much else to say and out of a desire to post this soon im gonna wrap it up. honestly i had high hopes for final fantasy 16 and im not one to go "oh final fantasy now sucks" because i Love ff13. i love ff15. i liked ff14 a normal amount. but ff16 just felt underwhelming compared to them.. it looked leagues better dont get me wrong even if ill always think ff13 is visually the best out of 'modern' final fantasy for its incredible cgi cutscenes good art direction and the ps3 charm the realtime cutscenes in 16 sometimes felt undynamic in comparison but real time vs cgi is very literally games hardware vs movie so........ not comparable tbh the environment and general worldbuilding of 16 was just so lackluster. the world felt so unreal even if it looked incredibly real, the plot was unfocused at times and inadequately built up, the characters are mostly uninteresting, and the character eith the most meaningful connection to clive was torgal. well torgal and cid but cid dies and leaves a gaping hole in the 'good character' category when it was just him mid and dion to begin with

still fun to hunt rank s's though ☝️

[baekhvuns]

I knooooow and this person wanna hang out with me as well 😭 this is ridiculous, just let me enjoy the concerts I have... go see Ateez 4 times and leave me alone

Oh no 🥑 must be cold, avos don't like cold 💔

KQ released another statement about disrespectful fans, but it's not enough, they need to start electrocuting them or something. I'm not sure how some fansites work either, I know some get info from the companies (not always legally), so you're gonna wake up early as fuck to take some photos??? Be serious lol it's so weird to me...

Stop this isn't Sweet Home Alabama moment ok 😭 I heard that some people were disappointed with Romantic Killer's ending? The manga isn't terrible, but it was boring to me

I think Tasir being the bad guy wouldn't make sense and be such a cheap plot twist. So fingers crossed he's okay 🤞 The earrings phase started with Howl Pendragon and now we're here...

It's sad to see great teams lose, but also kinda funny ngl 😅 this year is wild, and the fact Italy didn't even qualify like what? Honestly I haven't watched the matches, just saw bits and pieces, but I heard some decisions were controversial. Richarlison is so funny, I can't stan a Spurs player tho, gotta respect myself. Lmao Mbappe, that would be me

SM is either doing something right or terribly. With JYP, Skz are doing ok so clearly their division isn't that bad, but Itzy? Some people argue Twice is losing their momentum as well... Itzy tho, damn they had so many Korean and Japanese releases this year and all of them were pretty mid and kinda similar 💀

Both Jinni amd Yedam trained for a long time, whatever happened with them hopefully they're doing ok

Thankfully my friend didn't meet a lot of racists jahdhshsjagsha she had a boyfriend there, but now she has another one in Straya 👀 so nothing is really there for her in the Maple Land anymore. Zoologist and something else, I always forget because it's so complicated lol.

Baek jshsiausushssvs

Waiting until I see model Hwa on a huge ass billboard 🥰 ohhh what are you gonna do in Paris 👀 ngl I used to like the city now I think it's overrated hahahah, but it's not bad

Yesss I didn't think you were necessarily giving Yeohui vibes before, but the description fits.

Speaking of blonde. Thoughts? Personally I'm sooooo into it. The person who said Seonghwa looks awful in blonde... get help, pls

Okay but imagine this AU, uber driver or just some guy goes back in time and needs to work in a mansion or something...

Cottagecore or dark academia, visually the latter, but he would definitely be pretentious and while it can be cool, I need some soft Hwa in his big ass knitted hat <3

Dark haired aloof this is so specific lol. Bestie all the lyrics question and ofc Taylor 🔪 anyways I got matcha. I don't even like matcha very much...

Seonghwa in his big hat and scarf, very cosy and warm, I'm gonna bite his nose 🤗

Ohhh are we gonna see Ateez at the wedding or... also some of the comments 😬 Atinys have this weird hate boner towards Eden as though he didn't produce so many amazing songs they love, clown behaviour

I know, I know miss tenelka delivering again 👀

Ahhhhh this is cool

A WIN FOR SPY X FAMILY NATION

AIEYUAGSHSGSUSHAHSHS and 🧎🏻‍♀️🧎🏻‍♀️🧎🏻‍♀️🧎🏻‍♀️

Can they stooooop

P.S. had so many messy dreams last night but Seonghwa was featured... - DV 💖

hi hello!!

I knooooow and this person wanna hang out with me as well 😭 this is ridiculous, just let me enjoy the concerts I have... go see Ateez 4 times and leave me alone /// Oh no 🥑 must be cold, avos don't like cold 💔

LMFAOOOO BESTIE UR STUCK 😭😭😭 and now the comeback they said they wanna focus on the kr fans in jan but then the tour starts feb 😭😭 they’re really saying ur not seeing them 😭😭🤚🏼ABSOLUTE BS 😭😭 mister avo is constantly stuck under the snow its rly hilarious bc ppl make a snowman out of it fbf

KQ released another statement about disrespectful fans, but it's not enough, they need to start electrocuting them or something. I'm not sure how some fansites work either, I know some get info from the companies (not always legally), so you're gonna wake up early as fuck to take some photos??? Be serious lol it's so weird to me...

LMFAOOOO RBQMFBKSBDAK ELECTROCUTING 😭😭😭 ur right the stalking hasn’t gone yet and the fact that there’s a whole law on it now and ppl are still not stopping is mad low,, no it really is! the dedication is obsession

Stop this isn't Sweet Home Alabama moment ok 😭 I heard that some people were disappointed with Romantic Killer's ending? The manga isn't terrible, but it was boring to me

LMFAOOOO I CANT HELP IT I HAD TO DOUBLE TAKE FBWKDBW okay yeah! the ending was a bit disappointing in the sense that the show was great and ppl kept expecting more and more that the ending just kinda went flat 🧍🏻‍♀️

I think Tasir being the bad guy wouldn't make sense and be such a cheap plot twist. So fingers crossed he's okay 🤞 The earrings phase started with Howl Pendragon and now we're here...

it def would be, but if they play it well 😩 VILLAIN ARC >> NOT W HOWL FJWKDHWKDJWBDKS HE IS THE EPITOME OF A ✨ MAN ✨

It's sad to see great teams lose, but also kinda funny ngl 😅 this year is wild, and the fact Italy didn't even qualify like what? Honestly I haven't watched the matches, just saw bits and pieces, but I heard some decisions were controversial. Richarlison is so funny, I can't stan a Spurs player tho, gotta respect myself. Lmao Mbappe, that would be me

it really is! 😭 it was quite upsetting to see them walk off and then ppl make those edits with sad music and it just HURTS EVEN MORE FBWMDB nOOO BC HOW DID ITALY NOT QUALIFY?? BIGGEST SHOCKER,, yeah, the decisions were rly controversial to the point the brazilian players called the coach out <//3 it would’ve been amazing to see 2 powerhouses like brazil & argentina play together, mayhaps next time but it wont be the same 😭😭 LMFAOOOO HEY FBQNDJW COME ON A LITTLE BIT OF SELF RESPECT CAN LEAVE FBWKDH mbappe pisses me of sm 😭😭😭 but he’s so funnybfbwkdhwj but i have to say, so far the best game of the wc has been argentina v netherlands, every 5 minutes they were fighting 😭😭 the desperation and the tension on the penalties seriously took time off my life 😭😭

SM is either doing something right or terribly. With JYP, Skz are doing ok so clearly their division isn't that bad, but Itzy? Some people argue Twice is losing their momentum as well... Itzy tho, damn they had so many Korean and Japanese releases this year and all of them were pretty mid and kinda similar 💀

exactly!! sm’s rly doing the hit or miss and unfortunately doesn’t realize that some groups don’t fit the ‘experimental’ genre well esp bc they have a pre established genre itself! same w jyp! itzy has their already established genre and it was peak icy, wannabe but then they started to get a little too 📈📉 with the genre and now it’s just been miss miss miss instead of the hit hit hit 😭😭😭

Both Jinni amd Yedam trained for a long time, whatever happened with them hopefully they're doing ok

yeah! hope they’re all well bc damn it really is saddening seeing all these talented ppl leave, id be so frustrated to have worked so hard only for it to shatter 😭😭

Thankfully my friend didn't meet a lot of racists jahdhshsjagsha she had a boyfriend there, but now she has another one in Straya 👀 so nothing is really there for her in the Maple Land anymore. Zoologist and something else, I always forget because it's so complicated lol.

I HAVE WANTED TO SHOW THIS EVER SINCE WE TALKED ABOUT THIS bc what the fUCK. IS THAT THE PERSON WHOS BF IS YOUNGER AND LIVED A WHOLE AU FBSNDBDB ur friend has such a cool job

Baek jshsiausushssvs

LMFAOOOO RM MINGI MARK 😭😭😭 PLS THIS WOULD BE AMAZING TO WATCH, hear me out we need kwangsoo in this

Waiting until I see model Hwa on a huge ass billboard 🥰 ohhh what are you gonna do in Paris 👀 ngl I used to like the city now I think it's overrated hahahah, but it's not bad

waiting for the ysl ambassadorship bc that would be my last straw,, i have a few weddings to attend actually! in london but since paris is right there MIGHT AS WELL OUI OUI CREME DE LA CREME primarily for the fashion and the twinkle of the eiffel tower will live my yn <3

Yesss I didn't think you were necessarily giving Yeohui vibes before, but the description fits. /// Speaking of blonde. Thoughts? Personally I'm sooooo into it. The person who said Seonghwa looks awful in blonde... get help, pls

<33 tysm 😭😭 AND YES I AGREE ALL BLOND ATEEZ !!!!!!! WE NEED THIS !!!! jongho’s blond undercut >>> mingi is unstoppable with blond hair, san and hwa’s wave blond colour esp >>> hongjoong with blond and not that yellow hair he had,,, wooyoung blond was superior esp w the wonderland uniform concept, boy was majestic ✨🫡 THAT PERSON JUST SEES HWA AS THE YELLOWLY BLOND BUT WHEN THEY SEE THE DIRTY BLOND 😮‍💨😮‍💨 nothing’s much better

Okay but imagine this AU, uber driver or just some guy goes back in time and needs to work in a mansion or something...

this but with the duke and his general’s next universe 🤩

Cottagecore or dark academia, visually the latter, but he would definitely be pretentious and while it can be cool, I need some soft Hwa in his big ass knitted hat <3 //// Dark haired aloof this is so specific lol. Bestie all the lyrics question and ofc Taylor 🔪 anyways I got matcha. I don't even like matcha very much...

pretentious law school rivals dark academia but he knits for fun and the reader finds out he knits <33 domesticness <33 A HAT SO BIG I NEED HIS FACE GONE also what is this 😭😭 what the hell 😭😭,, IT RLT IS BC IT REMINDED ME OF TASIR DBDBD ok matcha is literally g r a s s, i do not understand the hype around it evfkw hello <3 i am oolong tea <3

Seonghwa in his big hat and scarf, very cosy and warm, I'm gonna bite his nose 🤗 /// Ohhh are we gonna see Ateez at the wedding or... also some of the comments 😬 Atinys have this weird hate boner towards Eden as though he didn't produce so many amazing songs they love, clown behaviour

seonghwa is the epitome of christian girl fall but winter, but uh,, is this ur model paris hwa? ,,, i don’t understand why sm ppl hate him, w/o him there would’ve been no ateez and they wouldn’t have gone this far if not for the experience and guidance he has in producing kpop worthy songs! his wife is so pretty eden who? need his wife 🔫

I know, I know miss tenelka delivering again 👀

MISS IS DELIVERING AND I NEED TO CATCH UP FHWKDHSK

Ahhhhh this is cool ////// A WIN FOR SPY X FAMILY NATION

THE PRESENCE THE CHOREO !!!!!!! WHAT A PERFORMANCE im gonna eat him

AIEYUAGSHSGSUSHAHSHS and 🧎🏻‍♀️🧎🏻‍♀️🧎🏻‍♀️🧎🏻‍♀️ /// Can they stooooop

HELLO NO! NO! AGAIN! NO! NO! NO MADAME NON!

…uh

P.S. had so many messy dreams last night but Seonghwa was featured... - DV 💖

point form detailed now. 🔫

..

and 4 years to love shot and still no yunho cover 🔫🔫 haha men are liars!

ANON FBQMDHQKDJWK NOT THIS

hear me out, this au

what was this premier 😭😭 30 mins of rain asmr 😭😭😭🤚🏼 they’re sIRENS ITS COMING TRUE

[collectionoftulips]

Because I am a nerd and I have nothing else to do during my lunch break, I thought I'd share some of the rationale and thinking that went into the latest BSN chapter, for those who are interested. (so I guess, lol, 'spoilers' for chapter 18 - I'm sorry, it sounds superpretentious but I just wanna share some of my thoughts and feels that went into writing the chapter)

I originally had the necklace be given back later in the story but it just felt appropriate for that to happen in this chapter, given the events

I also know that having a ball but not have Anthony see Kate fully ready for it or even dance with her at the ball might be a bit of a controversial take, especially considering Bridgerton's love of ballroom dancing. But I figured that partly I wanted to do something a bit unexpected with that, but also the romance of a ball is in some ways very... 'easy'. The romance aspect of Kate and Anthony's relationship in this AU was never really the problem. And because for royals, balls are very much a performance and I just think you would have a different approach to them than other guests as a result of your experience, I wanted very consciously for the romantic aspects of Kate and Anthony's reunion to happen outside of those. The romantic theatre of it all is for them quite easy, but it's those 'normal' everyday stuff that is elusive to them and their current dynamic and life situations.

I really enjoyed writing Kate being like 'lol Violet's totally wrong about Anthony being closed off' because I am just utterly fascinated by how different people can know a person in different ways (and to me it also goes back to earlier when Violet made the point that Anthony chooses to open up to Kate, which I think is really crucial)

There are purposefully a good few callbacks to earlier chapters in this (even if I sometimes feel like the starting point in this fic felt like a lifetime ago)

Anthony absolutely did not sleep a wink before Kate left for the airport, poor bb

Also I found him helping her pack incredibly sweet and romantic and I don't fully know why that just added a different dimension of heartbreak to it all for me

And as sad and sweet and heartbreaking as I found the goodbye scene at the end, at least he got to say goodbye this time, right? So in that way we are at least not back to where we were after Anthony left Scotland.

[sometipsygnostalgic]

This is the post I was working on that I accidentally sent privately before I’d finished it, LOL. Thanks @imorahtarm107 for sending it back after what must have been a confusing request. 

CONT: Rebecca Sugar  has spoken before about how much they dislike the statement by press that Bubbline only became “canon” in the finale, because Sugar and Muto were working on that pairing all the way back in s3, those characters have been canonically queer the whole time. It’s not some novelty thing that was canonized at the very end just because everyone else was doing it, or that the characters were only queer and dating if they got to kiss on the mouth! 

So yeah, I was a bit salty abouta  few things. I mostly thought that season 10 had been underwhelming compared to the spectacular seasons 7 to 9. Honestly, I still stand by that opinion because those seasons were really good. 

I felt that there were some other things missing from s10, but some of those got followed up either in the finale or in Obsidian, albeit less in depth than I’d have liked (primarily the fallout to Elements on the side of the Elementals themselves - I thought this was only appropriate considering what happened in Jellybeans Have Power. Are they not terrified of themselves? What are the long term consequences of that takeover, if any? It seems much bigger than the stuff with the Lich that barely anyone knew about.)  

HOW MY THOUGHTS HAVE CHANGED

Well, honestly? Just hearing more from the crew about the problems they faced on CN, not just the AT crew but also Rebecca Sugar with SU, it clears SO much up. 

Kent Osborne said to Ghostshrimp in a podcast that, even though they knew the show was ending, the team had no idea how many episodes they had left! Unlike the earlier seasons where CN just made block orders of 52 eps, it seems like from s6 onwards, things were far less stable. CN no longer ordered consistent season lengths. I’m not sure if they instead ordered blocks of eps, or if they gave the crew a flexible budget to work from, like Legend of Korra had. 

From my observations and theories, the reason seasons 7 to 9 have so many miniseries is possibly because Adam Muto was using those as a way to appeal to what CN wanted out of Adventure Time, and therefore, to prolong the lifespan of the show. It worked really well as both standalone miniseries and as episodes of the show. Olivia Olsen commented that there were many times they thought they were on the last season but it turned out they weren’t.  Adam Muto pitched the first eps of Distant Lands originally as miniseries to “extend” season 10. He was probably hoping he would be successful! 

Unfortunately, this time he was not successful, and Kent Osborne said that the crew were taken off guard by Come Along With Me being their last ep. When they started work on it, they thought it was a special in the middle of what could be a longer season. Kent even believed they would’ve had another 26 eps left. Adam had to beg for an extra couple of months so they could figure out how they could turn what would have been a gumbald special (whatever that would have entailed) into a finale for the entire show! 

Watching Come Along With Me with the knowledge that the crew were taken so off guard changes entirely what I think of it, because what originally seemed like lazy rush jobs - Simon turning back but not having any time as himself, the ep havingt so much going on, the conflict between Bonnie and Gumbald being a bit empty - now feels like the best possible outcome!! How on earth did they make Come Along With Me as good as it was?? They gave so many characters good moments, they had the whole thematic resolution to the land of Ooo and the themes of the world going in circles but nothing staying the exact same, they paid respects to Finn’s growth, and had the outro as the finale song while showing life goes on! 

Now that I’ve had so long to process exactly what happened in the ep, I greatly appreciate so many scenes that I previously overlooked or dismissed. The intro sections by Steve and Tom are brilliant at building up tension, which is part of why the second section feels so jarring. However, the dream sequence is so funny, with interesting imagery that it’s still nice to pick apart. Jake gets to be a good brother, Finn gets to battle Fern, and you have that chilling swapperoo epiphany with Gumbald and PB. The scene where they’re all on the beach is so cathartic. 

Then the second half of the special is just intense start to finish - everyone working together at the culmination of their character arcs, to take down GOLB! Until the power of a little robot’s song turns out to be the best tool of holding it back, and Betty performs the ultimate sacrifice for her mistakes with a smile on her face. So good.  The ending scenes with Finn and the treehouse, Shermy and Beth, the music hole, those are a thematic conclusion to the show. 

So, yeah, it did a great job. To an extent it’s better enjoyed if you pick it apart than if you watch it all at once, since it’s unfortunately not as hard-hitting as a lot of the single 11-minute eps of Adventure Time, including the previous season finale Three Buckets. However it absolutely does its job.

As for Bubbline, well...  Adam was trying to get the show extended, and if anyone looks at the twitter comment I currently have as my pinned post, then you’ll understand that there’s no way PB and Marcy could have kissed or made their relationship undeniably explicit unless it was the very end of the show :/ 

Adam said himself that he didn’t see it as much his fight to battle the decisions of execs as Rebecca did. And while that hurts, it makes sense - he was the owner of someone else’s show that is a smorgas board of a large number of people’s ideas, whereas Rebecca was the owner of their own show and felt that if they weren’t able to express themself in their own show, Sugar was willing to completely take down SU. And that actually happened - Steven Universe got cancelled immediately!!! Adam was not prepared to do that with AT, especally when CN were already talking about cancelling it. 

The good news is he didn’t give up on having PB and Marcy’s relationship be at least fairly clear, especially s7 onwards. I don’t know what happened behind the scenes, but it’s likely a number of the crew members taken on at that time found it important to press for Bubbline, and Adam decidedly agreed. If someone other than him had taken over as showrunner, or even if Pen stayed in charge (he supported it but didn’t want to be wrapped in controversy), I wonder if they’d have never interacted after What Was Missing :/ 

So yeah, with that in mind, as annoying as Marcy and Hunson still is, I can forgive the crew for doing a finale kiss. Rather, I can really thank Hanna K for pressing for one - she knows how important it was to at least confirm what people had expected, without a retroactive tumblr post ala Korrasami. 

[jeriafterdark]

ZSJ controversy, and how I dismissed this impersonation right away

Just my thoughts on the ZSJ controversy and impersonation, feel free to scroll by.

1. Background

Just a note to ya'll, in case you're out of the loop, there's been a mystery character impersonating ZZH on some public WeChat profile? Anyway, they've posted cryptic messages and such implying with doctored/photoshopped/ULTRAblurred (so blurred that it's worse than the infamous big foot photos) that they're ZZH. It's split more fans into groups, and many believe that it's really ZZH.

Let me tell you why I automatically knew it couldn't be him.

2. Uncle Li's interview with the real ZZH

Look, do you remember when ZZH ACTUALLY spoke this year? B/c of Uncle Li / Li Xuezheng interviewing him, then posting the audio interview on Uncle Li's weibo before he got muted?

Do you remember what happened when he did that? Refer to my series of posts about Uncle Li's saga to get the play-by-play.

Weibo constantly took the post down, put it back up, took it down, put it back up again. Anytime someone mentions ZZH, the powers-that-be (the capital that controls) constantly tugs those posts down or hides them. For example, the justice for the people tag that Uncle Li started? The one that reached 1 BILLION + views / interactions? That never even made it to the top trending list. lol. Other platforms quickly erased ZZH and any mention of him, too.

Now that the landscape of C-ent social media has been established, and how it absolutely hates featuring ZZH is obvious. Let's discuss ZSJ. (Zhang Sanjiang?). This character appears, and is still appearing btw, and pretends to be ZZH. AND his account is perfectly fine, never been touched, not instantly thrown into the fires of Mount Doom. HOW?

That by itself is suspicious enough. It's clearly an account that was made and approved by bad actors, how else could it be let alone? When ZZH himself is still going through getting his case filed and accepted by the police, and hasn't said a word? C'mon now.

All this account does is divide fans AGAIN, increase controversy against ZZH AGAIN, and posts nothing like ZZH's original weibo posts. It's quite clear to me, and I don't even have to speak or read Mandarin??? It's just logical? Whose advantage could it be to stir the pot?

During this important time that ZZH is filing his case with the Beijing PD, of course they'd want fans to act up and delegitimize him, also to push the attention from his ACTUAL case, to some other subject (ZSJ existing). Also how convenient that this person appears when Uncle Li has been muted on Weibo??

3. That account accidentally posted an ad for someone else and deleted it a few minutes later

Iunno how much more obvious this can be... This user has been posting rational logical counterarguments against this ZSJ character being ZZH, I'd advise checking them out. Of course, it's all additional information. So this dude posts a legit ad for an ADHD talk for some other dude, and realizes his mistake and takes his post down lol. Ok, bro is hustling a lot of side jobs.

4. Everyone wants ZZH to come back, and they know it

Everyone and their mom wants ZZH to come back, ok, there may be a few anti's and whatnot, but even the general public wants ZZH to have his whole life reinstated. That 1 billion+ discussion on weibo certainly said so. With this fervor and passion, I understand it. I want him back too.

But don't go grasping at every straw - he's not back yet, they won't let him. That's why he's filing A CASE WITH THE POLICE. And he wouldn't be so f'cking stupid as to jeopardize his own case by posting weird shit on WeChat. C'mon, ZH is very smart.

Whoever hired this guy to do this clearly saw the opportunity - that tons of people miss him and want him back - that the general public sees him favorably - that there's a void that needs to be filled. And he made an account to pretend to fill it. Iunno if it's paid or not, if he has more ulterior motives, but I don't need to know. It's clear just from this account EXISTING, and POSTING, and being ALLOWED to post - that it cannot be ZZH. You think ZZH has somehow found super hacking skills and can escape the absolute hellscape of c-ent self-censorship? No.

Gotta be patient, and use our brains - time will tell. Don't let yourself be used.

Also if you're a believer that ZSJ = ZZH, you can believe it if you want to, but don't @ me lol.

/rant over.

[jemmo]

thank you to everyone that tagged me!!! i’ve never felt so popular in my life this is not good for my ego lol but im nosy so very much enjoyed reading all your responses @praninlove @nongnoopran @dribs-and-drabbles @santinie @ohmnomnom @patshoney

1. your all time favorite bl and why

ummm yeah its bad buddy. a bl has never really come close to this nor do i think it ever will. bc as well as all the billions of ways I and everyone else has gushed about this show, do you ever feel like a show has been hand-crafted just for you?? like it contains everything you love, all your favourite plot beats and character traits and storytelling devices. even the styling, the music, the sets, the cinematography, like its so up your street, it hits all the points, checks all the boxes, even the ones you didnt know were there. yeah, thats bad buddy for me. its like the holy and omnipotent p’aof plucked my dream show out of my head and just made it for me. and it is everything. 

2. that one bl that scarred you for life

yeah probs MODC, not even bc the ending broke me bc i was so invested in the story and characters, more so that it just felt... wrong? like bad and poorly done, and i’m more scarred that the show decided to leave me with the message of you will never be happy all good in the world is temporary when there could’ve been such a positive and uplifting ending... yeah, it sucked. 

3. is there any bl that made you feel very single?

bad buddy. their relationship dynamic is truly my dream. and not even just bc of their beautifully easy intimacy, or all their effortless cute moments. its more that i’m never gonna have a forced rival turned friend turned fake enemies turned maybe friends turned lovers turned husbands soulmate ever in my life. and thats a crime.

4. if you could change one thing from a bl, which one would it be?

this one took me too long to think about bc there’s a list of things i’d like changed. but one of my absolute pet peeves is over the top jealousy. and dont get me wrong, i do like jealousy as a plot point if its done well. but i cant stand when all it takes is a character breathing next to another guy for his partner to get pissed. and even worse when he tries to make them feel bad and guilty about it when they literally did nothing wrong. thats when its just excessive and unnecessary drama and plain bad writing and i hate it. 

5. that one bl you detest (don’t hold back)

this isn’t exactly detest but i’ll say it here bc i feel like its one of my only *controversial* opinions. i dont like light on me. where other korean bls aren’t long enough and rushed, light on me just felt unnecessarily dragged out. the plot moved at a snails pace and was just bland to the point that i cant really recall what happened. i wasn’t invested in the love triangle bc the only character i really liked was shinwoo, and i just didnt get anything much from taekyung, like i never felt that he really liked either of them. this is probably bc i dont care much for k-dramas in general and light on me felt very k-drama-ey but yeah. i very much appreciate it for what it did for bls in korea, but it aint for me. 

6. your top five:

1. bad buddy (you stay there you aint going anywhere)

2. wbl (and s2 bc i actually liked it)

3. itsay (and ipytm bc again i actually liked it)

4. he’s coming to me

5. atots

7. that trashy bl that you lowkey like

probs futs. i wasn’t around as it was airing but i hear ppl didn’t vibe with it. but binging it idk it was kinda just some harmless, dumb fun. i ddin’t get amazing chemistry between the leads but it wasnt the worst ive seen by far, and even though the drama was kinda contrived and messy, i kinda live for that mess. 

8. your favorite korean bl (it’s important we know)

to my star by farrrrrrrr. it didnt do anything genius but its easily the best chemistry ive seen between leads in korean bls. 

9. But also your top 3 for kbls:

1) to my star 2) where your eyes linger 3) you make me dance

10. season 2? which one?

i will say bad buddy purely bc i am biased and want to live in their world for as long as they’ll let me. i love pat and pran more than i could say and they could do a whole s2 of them just going to work, eating out and doing household chores and i’d hail it as a masterpiece.

but also, if i’d trust anyone to handle a s2 and not make it messy and unnecessarily dramatic and about cheating, it’d be p’aof. i just feel like he’d have the ability to create a storyline that was interesting and engaging and with stakes without having to separate the main couple and i’d love to see what he could come up with. 

11. a bunch of dramas will air soon. which ones are you the most excited for?

kinnporsche, between us, to my star s2, vice versa, the eclipse, moonlight chicken, never let me go

12. tag them!

if you see this and wanna do it then go for it, consider yourself tagged by me. but i will also tag @thecookiemonster77 i dont know if you’ve done this yet but i wanna see your responses 👀👀👀👀👀

[bigskydreaming]

#when i read about tim i often kind of come to the idea that he's relatively self centered#and that can be both a flaw and a strength#but he doesn't often consider other people's feelings and circumstances#like when dick made damian robin he didn't really consider the situation from anyone else's view#or in his origin story#he doesn't seem to consider how dick would feel about hearing how tim was affected by dick's parents' death#or with the spyral situation#or in regards to him earning robin#and its pretty consistent in fandom characterization even if a lot of writers don't seem to be aware of it#its interesting cause i think its something i think he has in common with bruce#its honestly a surprisingly consistent thing from what i see#and it can be a strength to#it can absolutely lead to some confidence and self actualization#as well as being able commit to fixing something and working hard at it#because you believe you can and don't think anyone else can/will do it via @emenerd

Y’know, what’s interesting to me about these points is the fact that like.....Tim having tendencies towards self-centeredness is actually something that COMPLETELY makes sense and can be quite sympathetic in light of his backstory of having neglectful parents.

In an age of armchair diagnosticians eager to label anyone who expresses a controversial viewpoint while centering themselves as an example, as like, having a narcissistic personality disorder (and with the loaded implication that this makes them a bad person even if its true, instead of just....having a disorder, yay weaponizable ableism) like, it can be important to add in distinctions that even tendencies that share overlap with a lot of things born of entitlement, etc....aren’t always necessarily proof of that.

For instance, in Tim’s case, an overemphasis on himself and his own position in situations and arguments can very reasonably be attributed as a coping mechanism he developed in an attempt to acknowledge and address self-esteem issues he sees himself as having, DUE to parental neglect.

Its not that he thinks he’s the most important person in the room, necessarily, its that he spent so many years not even being considered a person in the room, that now he OVERCOMPENSATES on his own behalf, in an attempt to remind himself that no, his opinion and feelings and situations do matter.....and because he like most of the Bat-characters has a tendency towards hyper-fixating on a problem they’re trying to address, this can also understandably create a kind of tunnel vision. Where he’s so busy focusing on what he’s diagnosed as an actual issue he has that he’s trying to address or make up for, in order to build up his self-esteem....that he neglects to keep everyone around him equally centered in his interactions with them, and remember that like, they have their own issues and ignoring that to focus entirely on his own runs the risk of negatively impacting them in the exact same way he’s still learning to cope with having been negatively impacted in his development as a child.

None of this makes him a bad person, or is stuff that can’t be addressed and developed just by paying the appropriate attention to it and his interactions.

SO the issue I tend to more often have....

Is with how often in fandom and fanon we hear references to Tim’s neglect and emotional abuse and how this impacted him.....much in the same way we see Jason and Cass and Damian and Dick’s various forms of abuse and the developmental impact it had on them....

BUT there tends to then be a disconnect, IMO, because that acknowledgment of the WHAT of Tim’s neglect and abuse and the HOW it hurt him.....isn’t often followed up by an examination/awareness of how it also SHAPED him.....at least, not compared to how discussions/fics about say, Jason’s abuse tend to point out the latter as much as the former.

And this is a big part of my gripe with the ways abuse is centered and tackled as a topic in fics and fandom discussions, because its so often capitalized upon as a defense or shield for a character from criticism, stuff like that.....without ever actually EXPLORING the topic itself, or the FULLNESS of the impact it can have.

But only in regards to some characters.

What I mean is like....we see a lot of focus on Jason’s childhood abuse, yeah? And this often is then connected through headcanons, meta and fics to various aspects of Jason’s characterization as a teenager, and as an adult as well.....with a tendency towards anger or violence, abrasive personality, etc. Don’t get me wrong, its usually presented as such in a SYMPATHETIC light, especially when raised by fans of Jason themselves.....but his abuse is very much present and centered in fics and discussions as something that not only impacted him and made him suffer, but something that actually shaped him to varying degrees as well....with a lot of focus then in fics of him as an adult, like, paid to him going to therapy and unpacking his childhood abuse in an effort to WORK on these aspects of himself that make his present day life harder or less healthy than he’d like it to be. The issue of how his abuse lent itself to various behaviorisms is raised in order to address various byproducts of his abuse as FLAWS that he seeks to eliminate, in order to make himself happier and make himself someone that people want to be around more.

And again, don’t get me wrong - for the most part, this is a GOOD thing. The caveat here is just a personal dislike I have for how often these narratives smack of a kind of saviorism, and act like it was only through the grace of Bruce and becoming part of the Batfam that Jason’s ever afforded the opportunity to better himself as a person. I dislike the hell out of this because it not only pairs all too well with a lot of classist shit, it feeds into the singular narrative we’re so often presented with by media about abused kids: the myth of the victim being destined to become a victimizer, it all being an inevitable cycle. The reason this myth is so easily perpetuated is the exact reason I’m so critical of the saviorism in a lot of abused-Jason fics.....people can very easily fall into the trap of assuming that abused kids are likely to grow up to be abusers because they never have anyone to TEACH them that abuse is wrong, or to lead by healthy example. 

The harm of this perception is that it kinda throws under the bus every kid who never lucks out and gets a Bruce Wayne style savior swooping in to not only save them from their abusive environs, but TEACH them that they deserved better and that abuse is wrong. 

Because its like, uh, the thing is, plenty of abused kids who never get a personal mentor or savior figure are fully capable of figuring out for themselves that they deserve better and that people hurting them is wrong, because it makes them feel bad and they don’t like that? 

Many abused kids don’t grow up in a media vacuum where they simply have no access to glimpses of lives different from their own.....we see kids having happier, healthier family lives on TV or in books and are able to figure out that society overall thinks that’s what family is SUPPOSED to look like, and its ours that is the aberration? 

The very fact that we’re taught or have it instilled in us by abusive parents that like, we’re not to bring up instances or examples of our abuse to teachers or friends, that its a SECRET, is like, usually a dead giveaway that there’s something WRONG with it that we’re being instructed - and enforced with abusive consequences - to keep from alerting others to....like, this is basically a blaring siren to a lot of us that no, what’s happening to us ISN’T normal and acceptable, and that’s literally WHY the parent we’re afraid of is so insistent on us keeping the facts of it hidden? 

And so like, tons of abused kids figure out for ourselves the difference between right or wrong, based off nothing more than our own feelings about things and a desire to not be like the people who make us feel miserable - like, never underestimate the power of spite to like, keep a kid from growing up doing the same thing to others that was done to them, lol. 

But point being, lots of kids never get a Bruce Wayne figure to take them away from their abuse and also teach them that they never deserved it and how not to pass the hurt forward by doing the same things to others. And its kinda condescending as fuck that we so often see narratives that take it as so obvious it barely merits commenting on, that like, ‘of COURSE abused kids grow up to become abusers if they don’t have someone else step in and show them a better way’....mmm, no. Fuck that. But you get what I mean.

So like, its a mixed bag. Its a good thing, to see Jason-centric stories that show him addressing his childhood and seeking just a more fuller, happier, healthier life for himself. Its a less great thing to see this narrative presented as all encompassing, with it never being raised that no, Jason actually could figure out he deserved better and how to treat people in ways he’d want to be treated even without a billionaire guardian angel.....NOT because the narrative wherein someone helps an abused kid figure out what was wrong about how they were treated is like, NEVER valid....but rather it just becomes a problem when looked at as a data point against the larger tapestry of fandom-wide works....and noticing that this specific narrative is pretty much the ONLY one raised or treated as valid. With it just being ASSUMED to be the natural course of events and characters, rather than just....the direction society overall has their perceptions of abuse steered towards due to a singular and constantly reinforced abuse narrative shown to us in media.

And the way this all plays back into my point about Tim and what took me down this road in general.....

Is that disconnect I was talking about, lies specifically in HOW Tim is often acknowledged and regarded as an abuse survivor due to his emotional abuse and neglect......with this abuse and its impact on HIM often taking center stage, much the way Jason’s abuse and its impact takes center stage in his narratives.....

BUT with a key difference being that while a lot of Jason’s narratives go on to denote the specific ways his abuse helped SHAPE him and his interactions with others, and raise and address the ways in which he can better himself and his relationships by unpacking all of this openly....

Most of the stories about Tim’s abuse/neglect tend to just STOP at the awareness of its existence and impact on him. Never taking it that one step further to examine how those specific forms of abuse could have additionally SHAPED him....in ways that sometimes negatively impact those around him and his own loved ones, even if this is completely unintentional on his part. The difference, the disconnect, lies solely in how rarely its ever acknowledged that Tim’s own upbringing can and does play directly into how he interacts with people later on in life.....and in ways that he’s fully capable of addressing and bettering himself so as to be happier and healthier just in his own life, and in his relationships, as someone others want to be around.

Aaaaand once you actually examine or consider WHY there’s this discrepancy between the full ramifications of Tim’s abuse and that which various siblings of his underwent, when there’s full agreement that what he did go through absolutely can be termed abusive as well....like, its the implications of what about Tim makes him more naturally resistant or whatever to being shaped by his abuse in ways that have actual negative impact on others in his life, whereas the same isn’t true of say, Jason.....that’s when the red flags start to go up for me, and the unintended subtext starts to get Less Than Stellar, IMO.

Anyway. Just food for thought on the subject of Tim, his upbringing, the various impacts this had on not JUST him but also on how he interacts with others, and ways in which all of this compares and contrasts with how the subject of abuse is raised and depicted in regards to other Batkids.

[horce-divorce]

i have my Big appt w the Gender Doctor tomorrow... I've already had my letter and my "diagnosis" (fun fact: they actually asked me if it was ok to diagnose me w dysphoria or w/e, they seem to be aware of the controversy around pathologising language) as well as gotten my levels checked.. i am pretty sure this is the last thing is this big visit where he has to explain everything incl needles, get my consent, and all that shit

soooo... I think im about to start T????? scrreeeeee

lil rant about my nervs under the cut

im very nervous, more about my pharmacy & my family than anything actually related to T. ive had issues w the pharmacy just trying to get my birth control and normal meds (like they'd give me my meds but would straight up "forget" my birth control... very relevant: we have about 100 fundie churches in this town and some actual bona fide fundamentalists cults as well. its not a large town). plus theyve been constantly understaffed and have taken up to a week to fill my scripts. my friend a few towns over gets his stuff from WG and sometimes they give him the wrong needle sizes which seemingly is smth that happens to trans folks a lot... i am prepared to switch pharmacies and/or go running to corporate like a Karen if they give me issues, but i've never had to switch from walgreens before (only to a different wg?) so idk specifically what to do if that's the case

but anyway yeah. lil worried about pharmacy giving me the runaround. and a lil worried about my moms reaction. even tho she's been nothing but supportive, it still seems to surprise her when i talk about being trans. if I make a joke about how trans I was as a kid in hindsight, she's wont laugh along, she's kinda just like 😳 😳 and goes on w her day. but other times she'll bring it up?? one time she said something about "when youve got your van and are transitioning" like she doesnt think I'm transitioning right now lol. i think she's gonna be surprised to find out that im starting T now but fuck I waited 15 years. aint waiting any longer.

its just like. there is a non-zero chance she still has ties w folks from the west mich womyns music fest (good fucking riddance). we actually had a huge fight once (yearrrs ago) bc even in the midst of them going under BECAUSE of their transphobia, she kept trying to get me to support them "as a feminist."

so despite how supportive she's been and that she is absolutely trying I can just FEEL that there are still reservations she has that she simply doesn't want to talk about. she's not gonna tell me what to do w my body or any of my medical care. I'm an adult, and that's generally the rule in our house, but idk it's like. this tension in the air. i think she still separates my "being trans" from "me" in her head, and i think she does it w other folks too (my parents are HUGE fans of Eddie Izzard, esp her Dress to Kill special from back in the day. and yet cannot wrap their heads around her being trans. she's been out for like. 30 years. she doesnt make a secret of it). i feel kinda bad saying it bc she DOES try. she actually corrects my pronouns (and Eddie's!) more than anyone else in my family when others fuck it up. I just don't think she fully understands why she's doing it and im not sure if she cares to. challenge her notion of what a trans person is?

idk its pretty obvious when cis ppl are doing the whole "her > no, i have to overlay an image of a boy on the body that I am seeing bc You Are A Her Who Wants To Be a Him" or vice versa, instead of just "You Are Him". it's like they're trying to translate me into a different language without changing the words. does not compute.

ughhh idk. anyway i am just hoping that she can see how much of a change it makes for me and sees me being happier and calmer and stuff. i already have been WAY more chill even in the last 2 years just since being out. i think that it will make it easier for me to like. express emotions like love and gratitude? i think part of why i've always kinda felt stunted in that area or like I couldn't connect w my parents like I sometimes do w other people, was bc of being closeted.... if she sees me as an extension of herself, Her Daughter, and I cannot be myself fully and truthfully, how can i express my emotions fully and truthfully, they are a part of who I am? I've just been told many times by the world that expressing myself honestly makes other people uncomfortable... anger was the only thing i could reach for so long. oof.

its just funny (not ha-ha funny) how even after having a feminist mom who didnt make me dress girly as a kid; after having lived in a huge queer household; having almost exclusively queer friends for 10+ years; after having BEEN OUT in high school; and now, again, being in a supportive environment where everyone is trying to validate me... despite all of that I STILL find myself feeling guilty for transitioning, guilty for showing people who I am. wondering "Wouldnt it be easier if I didnt. Wouldnt it be better for everyone if I just let them think I was a girl. wouldnt it be easier to deal w my other medical stuff w/o being outed every time I go to a new Spectrum location. wouldnt it be easier for everyone who has to deal w grandpa right now. there's nothing wrong with being a girl. Maybe I could keep being a girl if I had to."

but i know that's not right. if I don't live my life at this point it will kill me faster than anything that's medically wrong with me. i am not a girl. trying to be a girl when I didnt want to be made me suicidal for years. it made me into a horrible person and informed all kinds of terrible decisions I wish I hadn't made.

i know that transitioning is the right thing. to be perfectly clear, I am nothing but excited about testosterone and ALL of the changes it will bring me, there is literally not a single one that I don't want, that I havent wanted with my entire being my WHOLE life. i know that i am doing the right thing because for the first time in my life these are choices I've made FOR ME, for no one else and for no purpose but for the joy and sense of peace and completeness that it brings me to know that I am trans.

my fear is that I won't be able to articulate that to other people. or that ill have 1 bad experience and regress to not being able to stand up for myself or w/e.

so yeah, nothing but actual love and excitement for my T appointment. im just outlining how much cis bullshit really ends up defining the experience of transition for so many of us, and how much anxiety and fear it can still impart. even when you surround yourself with queer and trans support, even when ppl in your life are being cool, even when you are SO SURE of who you are. despite all of that, I am still afraid I'll end up detransitioning because of other people's issues...

but tbf i kind of have this with everything. I move into a new place, it TERRIFIES me rather than brings me comfort. how am I going to lose this home, too, and how long do I have? i've never felt at home in my body before, and every time I thought I found/built a home, I lost it. I've been evicted and lost my housing so many times and... have kinda had the same thing happen w my body, in a sense. feeling like if I start trying to decorate how I want ill get in trouble somehow bc nothing good can truly last and there's always some higher authority to answer to... idk.

anyway I need a proper therapist obviously lmfao and I dont expect anyone to read this. to be clear I am mostly very excited and optimistc. just nervouscited u know what i mean