#abuser logic

[furiousgoldfish]

No matter how horrid and despicable the abuse is, the abusers will always insist it's all because of you. It's because you're doing something wrong, you're not doing good enough for them, you don't love them enough, you don't love them unconditionally, you're not showing that you love them through obedience enough, you're not considerate enough, and if only, if only you had more love for them, understanding and dedication and loyalty, then things would be fine and nothing bad would ever happen.

They convince you that this is the one ultimate truth and you almost can't escape it because their entire logic is warped around what YOU did to cause this, to cause them to snap and hurt you. They create this fictional world where potentially no abuse would happen if only you acted differently, almost as if it was under your control, whether they abuse you or not.

You can get lost in that world where your actions all have unpredictable, horrible and painful consequences, you can try to change your behaviour in a million ways to try and get different results, you can run yourself ragged trying to please the abuser to make them less hostile, and they still abuse you, and you still feel like nothing will ever be good enough, like you are not good enough.

And that's because their logic makes no sense. A person who loves you wouldn't do this to you. They wouldn't hurt you for anything. They wouldn't want you to suffer. They wouldn't consider themselves an authority over whether you've deserved pain or not, you would never deserve pain in their eyes.

A person who loves you and cares about you does not want you to run yourself ragged trying to please them. They don't want to train you into obedience, they don't find your worth equal to how much you're useful to them, they don't see you as a toy to manipulate into as much work as possible. The person who would do this to you hates you so intensely and so cruelly, you're not even real to them. They don't even see you as a person. And you know it, because after this type of treatment, you don't see yourself as a person either, you only see something to be used as a resource and discard at will, this is not who you are!

Compassion, humanizing, comfort, warmth, concern, care about your emotions, care about your experience of life, care for your well being, your happiness, your confidence, your quality of life, your dreams and goals, your happiness, your desires, freedom, passion, excitement, enjoyment, love can't exist without all that. That's what makes you feel like a person, that's what love is. Not being trained and dehumanized. Not being judged and punished because your best is not enough for someone. Not being blamed and scrutinized when you're in pain. That's the deepest hatred a person can hold for you, that's desire to torture you.

It doesn't matter if you're not good enough for this person because you were never meant to be a resource or a property. You were never meant to be used. You are good enough to laugh with, to spend time with, to adore, to comfort and to play with, to hold memories with someone, to be seen and heard and appreciated, to be held special in someone's heart. That's what you're meant for and this person is failing you. You don't have to be anything for them. They don't deserve to have anyone to use.

[odinsblog]

Remember, Megan Thee Stallion wasn’t the one who took sorry ass Tory Lanez to court - that was the state. It turns out that there are laws against shooting people. And Megan was a victim of domestic violence. It’s really sad seeing all the people victim blaming Megan for the “sin” of getting shot by Tory, and for not perjuring herself to protect her abuser.

[arcenciel-par-une-larme]

Does anybody else have this very vivid memory of that thing that abusive parents/SOs do, where they assume carte blanche for themselves and have the right to say and do anything they g**d*** please, no matter how insensitive or unjust towards you, but the moment you say or do something even 1/5th as controversial as their own words/actions you're the scum of the earth and in their minds it gives them license to abuse you even more?

Just asking for a friend...

[rudolphsb9]

TODAY ON "JILTED LOVER OR ABUSIVE FATHER??"

Man asks woman actively not speaking to him why she is not speaking to him

[vexingwoman]

scrotes love to throw “did you know lesbians have higher rates of abuse??” into every debate, not realizing men are still the issue even in their most favorite statistic.

[comradekatara]

i’ve always kind of assumed that lo and li are azulon’s younger twin sisters and that’s why they were foisted off on azula, because she’s also a younger sister to the crown prince. but the fact that we never actually see them firebend is strange, because it implies either that nonbenders are instructing one of the greatest firebenders in the world, or that they are firebenders who simply do not firebend. and i think that the latter is more interesting, because it reflects how their position as elderly women devalues any firepower they might provide to the empire, passive and subdued even as they train ozai’s favorite weapon.

they are the ones to most overtly illustrate azula’s precarious relationship to femininity, after all. for example, noting the position of her hair after she successfully lightningbends in “the avatar state,” or emphasizing azula’s beauty when they introduce her in “the awakening.” and it’s clear that azula doesn’t really like them, dismisses and avoids them whenever she gets the chance. she can’t even tell them apart. their very existence is almost a humiliation. a reminder to azula that this is who she is destined to become once she lives past her usefulness. not the imperious azulon, her namesake, raised above on a fiery dais, but his sisters, insignificant and functionally powerless.

so of course “almost isn’t good enough,” of course “one hair out of place” is a failure. the only way azula can prove her worth to the empire she has devoted her entire self to in a way that matters is, perhaps, by being perfect, by being better and stronger than the discarded women who came before her. but that, too, is a delusion, that any amount of excellence will reward her in a way that compensates for the erosion of her very humanity. and yet, it’s all she has to cling to. so she gives it her all to excel within a system that will never really care about her because she has deliberately been made incapable of imagining an alternative. of simply recognizing the system for the failure that it is, conceptualizing a world beyond the bars of her gilded cage, and leaving.

[theconcealedweapon]

People who want to legalize child marriage and who want a child to be forced to give birth to a rapist's baby believe that the LGBT community are groomers.

People who hit their children, who berate their children for bad grades, who gaslight their children, and who constantly threaten their children with hell believe that teaching about white privilege is child abuse.

They're not trying to protect the well being of children. They're trying to protect their power over children. That's the only way that their beliefs are consistent.

[deservedgrace]

The lack of understanding and empathy for cult survivors is really alienating. Because the same people that (rightfully) get upset hearing domestic violence jokes or rape jokes will make jokes about starting a cult.

[messiahzzz]

this informational piece is directed to the gale fandom specifically:

grooming is a tactic where someone methodically builds a trusting relationship with a child or young adult, their family, and community to manipulate, coerce, or force the child or young adult to engage in sexual activities.

1. Choosing a victim - The predator often chooses a child who is obviously vulnerable. Children who are withdrawn, low on confidence, emotionally deprived and with less parental supervision are particularly at risk.

2. Building access & trust - Sexual abuse often begins with friendship. The abuser can also take on other roles such as a romantic partner, a mentor, a caregiver or an authority figure. The abuser spends time in getting to know the victim's likes, dislikes and habits and pretending to share common interests. The perpetrator establishes trust with the child by making them feel special, sometimes through gifts or excessive compliments and attention. This is especially dangerous for vulnerable children who do not experience attention in their daily lives. In the trust development stage, offenders aim to develop a trusting friendship or relationship with their victim. This can involve several tactics, including:

a) praising the child for their maturity and intelligence;

b) encouraging the child to disclose personal information;

c) syncing their language with that of the child;

d) highlighting mutuality (i.e., similar interests, attitudes and behaviors between the offender and child); and finally,

e) portraying themselves as being trustworthy and nice.

3. Filling a need with gifts & favors - Giving the victim small gifts and favours is a strategy used by perpetrators to make the child feel indebted. Trust is further built by sharing intimate life details, going on special outings and giving the child access to things they normally wouldn’t get. Once the offender has identified a child’s needs, they will try to be the “hero” to the child who gives them what they desire. Examples include gifts, extra attention, or affection. This causes the child to see them as highly important and even idolized. They won’t want to upset them in risk of not getting the void in their life fulfilled.

4. Isolating - The groomer actively tries to isolate the child from people who may be watchful or helpful. This kind of isolation creates deeper connection & dependency. The offender also exhibits exemplary behaviour before parents of the victim & manipulates them into trusting the relationship. They will use this trust to create situations in which they are alone with the child. Time spent alone also reinforces the “special connection” the child feels they have with the offender. This “special connection” is further reinforced when the offender convinces the child that they love and appreciate them more than anyone else.

5. Initiating sexual contact - With the power over the child victim established through emotional connection coercion or one of the other tactics, the perpetrator may eventually initiate physical contact with the victim. It may begin with touching that is not overtly sexual (though a predator may find it sexually gratifying) and that may appear to be casual (arm around the shoulder, pat on the knee, etc.). Gradually, the perpetrator may introduce more sexualized touching. By breaking down inhibitions and desensitizing the child, the perpetrator can begin overtly touching the child. At this stage, the offender will exploit a child’s natural curiosity through physical touch and excitement. They will begin to teach the child sexual preferences and manipulate what the child responds to. The child begins to see themselves as a sexual being prematurely and the relationship with the offender now takes on a sexual term.

6. Post-abuse maintenance - The goal of the final stage is to ensure the child remains trapped in the cycle of abuse and loyal to the abuser, by either reinforcing and maintaining trust in order to prevent disclosure, or by explicitly threatening or blackmailing the child or their loved ones. This can also be reinforced and maintained by, for instance, giving the child affection, praise or encouragement for one’s actions.

[furiousgoldfish]

abuser: It’s okay for me to hurt you. Righteous, even. But me experiencing guilt or consequences for it? Now that’s just wrong.

[odinsblog]

T/W abuse

Conservative media host and commentator Steven Crowder can be seen on a Ring Camera video berating his wife Hilary, who was at the time nearly eight months pregnant, and demanding that she handle medicine for his dogs that she was concerned was toxic to pregnant women.

In the video, he snaps at her to put on her gloves to give his dogs medicine, walk the dogs, and otherwise "perform wifely duties," as she is clearly emotionally distressed.

Towards the end of the exchange, Hilary Crowder says to her husband, "Your abuse is sick," he snaps at her, saying, "Watch it. Fucking watch it."

Moments later, off camera, Steven Crowder, by his admission, would lose control and scream at his pregnant wife in a threatening tone, "I will fuck you up," which led his wife to flee their home.

(continue reading)

Just to recap: Crowder threatened to “fuck up” his 8 months pregnant wife, insisted that she handle toxic dog meds, and repeatedly demanded that she go walk the dog—whilst HE was sitting on his ass lazing around doing nothing but blowing smoke in his pregnant wife’s direction ……. the ick 🤮

Help is available

👉🏿 National Domestic Violence Hotline 1.800.799.SAFE

👉🏿 SMS: Text START to 88788

👉🏿 https://www.thehotline.org/

👉🏿 https://documenttheabuse.com/

[fromtheseventhhell]

It's crazy that people still uphold show!Sansa as a well-written character and pretend that liking her is the pinnacle of feminism when it would be infinitely more impactful to acknowledge her terrible and misogynistic writing. This is the same character who, while written by two men, was thankful for the abuse she suffered because it allowed her to grow. The same character who we had to be told was smart because the writers were too lazy to develop or show her intelligence. The same character who had to rely heavily on the men surrounding her and ended up accomplishing nothing on her own merit ( and no, thinking that she deserved to be Queen doesn't mean that she earned it). She is not well-written, she is not complex, and she is not a feminist character. Which is fine! If you enjoy her then good on you, but please stop pretending that she's something she isn't just because you feel the need to justify liking her character

[spop-romanticizes-abuse]

very interesting how everyone and their mothers bash steven universe for redeeming villains who tried to commit mass genocide, killed and harmed thousands of innocent civilians, physically and psychologically abused their family member; but they sympathize with and coddle catra, who did much of the same things.

(while i like steven universe and i do think that people hate on it a lot more than it deserves, i can admit that the show had its fair share of problematic elements. i'm not going to defend it to hell and back like some people do with spop)

[trinkerichi]

I finished the fic Acetate Ribbun by @notnights a bit ago and oh my gosh.. i've never read such a clever take on hanahaki before and LOVE Gangle's characterization. I don't usually get into enemies to lovers? fics but this one is just s so... enthrallingly toxic.

Fic link here! Mind the tags its rated M!

Song lyrics are from The Scary Jokes "Community Gardens" it came up in my playlist while i was drawing and it fit too well...

[followerofmercy]

I've had the joy /s (/j the /s I love discussion lol) of talking with a ton of different people about Arlecchino as a parent, what level of abusive she is or isn't, how much she actually cares about her kids, etc, and I think I realized the big issue underlying the whole discussion.

I think there's enough textual evidence to say that Arlecchino will use her children to achieve her goals, but we don't actually know what those goals are.

The reason I think she is a *good parent, and the reason I give her a lot of leeway with her methods and the obvious harm she's caused her children, is that I think her children ARE her goal! I believe her goal is to build up a Kingdom of Children that will surpass her. That at last, finally, someone in her family can feel safe. Much like how I think Childe wants to conquer the world so he won't have to be afraid anymore, I think Arlecchino is trying to sharpen and harden her children to be the meanest, most dangerous bastards around so nobody else can hurt them. It's a very base hierarchy of needs thing. Tending to your children's feelings won't do them much good if they're dead, and the world they live in is full of danger. REAL danger, like human traffickers and sick rich fucks, not just monsters.

I mean, we've never heard her discuss anything else? I do not get the vibe that she gives more shits about the Fatui than absolutely necessary. Everything about her revolves around the Hearth. I just, I don't know what else her goal could be.

This woman has never felt safe a day in her life. The reality of her world is that she Is Not Safe. Being an orphan in Fontaine is dangerous. Being part of the Fatui is dangerous. I think she'll do anything to equip her children to survive and, more importantly, surpass her. I think she knows her time is limited and she will do anything to toughen them up to survive without her.

Including hurt them.

* 'good' here is a gross oversimplification of very complicated feelings. If she and her children were in literally any other situation, I would think she's a monster. But, they ARE in life or death situations. They DO need to be hard. It's better the hardening come by her hand than an enemy's, if not for their mental health, then for their physical.

[theconcealedweapon]

Child: "My teacher told me that LGBT people exist and that there's nothing wrong with them."

Parent: "HOW DARE SCHOOLS GROOM MY CHILD! PERVERTS LIKE THAT DON'T BELONG ANYWHERE NEAR CHILDREN!"

Child: "Also, my principal hit me on the ass with a paddle."

Parent: "You probably deserved it. I literally signed something saying that he has my permission to do that. My anger toward perverts grooming children has magically vanished."