#actually everyone in this fic is bi unless stated otherwise

[arse-blathanna]

I dunno how to properly express my feelings, so I'm just gonna say TY SO MUCH. I love your yenralt fic, it's one of the few fics I actually enjoy reading (because I have a really hard time reading het stuff in general) ❤️❤️. Hope to see more!!!

Thank you anon! I try really hard with my yenralt stuff (for what it's worth, they're ALWAYS bi4bi in my fic. Actually, everyone is bi unless stated otherwise.)

I want to do more but I've been in a bit of a rut where things other than the longfic are concerned. I'm talking 20 fics started and 0 good enough to even finish type of a rut. Not good.

Thank you for your kind message anon 💜

[forlornmelody]

Three Robins Rose Has Kissed And The One Who Kissed Back

Rating: Explicit (there’s smut, and lots of swearing, and some implied drug use.)

Fandom(s): DC Comics

Ship: JayRose (Jason Todd/Rose Wilson)

AO3 Link: Here

Summary: Rose Wilson has a type and it is former protégés of Batman.

Note:  For the sake of this story, I'm assuming both the events of the Crisis continuity, and the New 52, happened. (But we're just gonna pretend DC didn't nerf Rose for daddy-fodder, kay? Kay.)

-*-*-

“Rose.” Nightwing stares down at her, narrowing his eyes, but his grin betrays him. “Something tells me you’re doing this on purpose.”

“What makes you say that?” The mat presses up against Rose’s back.

“That’s the third time today I’ve swept you off your feet.” Dick’s got her in a full nelson, one of his escrima sticks pointed at her throat. He’s not actually going to bust her, though. Nightwing, the former Boy Wonder, is too good for that sort of thing. It frustrates her to no end. 

“Maybe I need more practice.” Rose can’t help the playful lilt creeping into her voice. The blue and black look good on him--better because they hug his body in all the right places. All she has to do is tilt her hips--there. One flip and Rose leans over him, pressing both his wrists against the mat. 

“You? You’re better than this.” Somehow it sounds like Dick is commenting on more than her training room flirting tactics, and the smile slips from her face. Like he hasn’t hit on half his opponents already. Hypocrite. She’ll show him. 

Time slows as Rose closes in, so close she can hear Dick’s heart speeding up. Just as her lips are about to brush against his--Dick turns his head and her kiss lands on his cheek. “Oh come on.” Just like that--Dick’s on his feet, launching Rose off him.

“Focus, Rose.” 

Their sparring session continues, and Dick never once brings up the kiss. He drives her crazy, in more ways than one, but she seems to have him off-balance for now. Rose presses her advantage, and she pins Dick face-first against the Robin costume on display. Freezing, Dick sucks in a breath. Before Rose can ask what’s wrong, he shoves his elbow into her sternum, pushing her away. 

“Dick?” 

“Not now.” He doesn’t even look at her as he slams the door behind him. 

What’s his hang-up with his old costume, anyway? 

-----

Rose’s only on this team because of Dick, because even though he doesn’t lead the Titans anymore, what he says goes. Even when the Titans hate his decision. Even when they hate their newest member with a passion. Even though she tried to kill them before. 

But Rose knows more than just martial arts. And she knows just how to get under Tim’s skin. Or on top of it, rather. 

Click. Tim’s got her pressed face-first against the mattress and her hands cuffed behind her back. Somehow Rose suspects this isn’t a bondage thing. Too bad. She really liked the feel of Tim’s lips against hers. 

“Hot damn.” Eddie stares at them through the open door and Rose can literally see steam coming out of his ears. That might be normal for him. Rose hasn’t been paying attention, at least not before now. 

“It’s not what it looks like,” Tim says quickly.

“Yes it is,” Rose says even quicker. Sometimes Rose’s visions don’t help much. People’s choices determine the future and people can be oh so finicky. It drives her nuts. Fights are one thing--people either want to kill her or they don’t--the rest they have ingrained through practice or the lack thereof. Knowing whether someone wanted to get in her pants--well. Apparently, she hasn’t quite figured that one out. 

Tim pulls her cuffs off, extracting himself from the bed and putting some distance between them. “Put some clothes on.” Damn. She’s 0-2.

But with the way Eddie’s eyes linger on her as she slides her armor on? Maybe it’s not a total loss. 

----

First Stephanie giggles, and Rose can hear it echo across Gotham’s rooftops. “What are you doing?” Then her smile slips, and the silence is deafening. 

Rose leans in closer, both their asses teetering on the edge. “You and Tim are on a break, right?” Her lips part, and she can smell the lavender in Spoiler’s shampoo. Their breaths intermingle and she’s so close to--

“Rose, I’m straight.”

“Seriously??”

----

Honestly, Rose had given up trying at this point. Jason Todd--Gotham’s best, or perhaps worst bad boy--should have been an easy target. Except he wasn’t Rose’s target, not this time. Her employer wanted Roy Harper out of the picture--Jason was just in her way. And he rarely left his best friend out of his sight. And Rose thought Koriand’r would’ve been more of a problem. And with her out of town--possibly out of planet--this should have been a piece of cake. Just get off The Red Hood’s radar by getting into his pants. How hard could it be?

Way harder than Rose ever imagined. 

But the price on Roy’s head? Too high to pass up. With that kind of money, Rose would be set for life. No more relying on her dear dad to help with bills every so often. Or his car. Or his safehouses. She could even get her brother the care and protection money to keep him away from all those bent government agencies and mad scientists who wanted to dissect his brain, or worse, use him for their own ends. 

So, Rose stayed. Even after Jason turned her down, more than once. 

The first time, it’s on a mission in Hong Kong, where Rose just so happens to be going after the same target. The Jade Dragon--Kingpin and Slum Lord who owned half the Indian Ocean. Roy waits for them on the roof with their getaway ride, and Rose joins Jason in the elevator. Halfway up it just so happens to stall. She really outdoes herself. 

Jason’s blue eyes stare not at her, but at the emergency hatch. The back-up lights cast a soft glow on his skin as Rose closes in. “It’s probably a power failure. No way they don’t have backup generators in this place.”

“Yeah. But they don’t run the elevator when the power goes out--in case of a fire.”

Jason swears under his breath, eyeballing the distance from his feet to the ceiling. “So what. We’ve got about ten, maybe twenty minutes before they fix it?”

“Something like that.” Rose touches his shoulder. “Relax. Where’s your slumlord going to go? The roof?” The stairs don’t go to his penthouse. She checked. Something about a security risk. Rich wackos like him like to be airlifted out in case of emergency. 

Pressing his lips together, Jason lets out the breath he’s being holding for two minutes. “You’re right.” He slumps against the back of the elevator, staring at buttons like they’ve personally wronged him. “I just hate waiting.”

Rose slouches next to him, not quite touching him, but close enough to where they can feel each other’s heat. “I know how we can pass the time.”

Jason blinks, finally giving Rose more than a passing glance. “...You’re kidding, right?” He laughs softly, and it’s the softest she’s ever seen his expression. “We just met.”

The batkid who got hired for jacking the Batmobile’s hubcaps, who had a reputation of going just a little too far when beating up bad guys, who actually killed more than one villain who got under his skin. Jason Todd--the guy on ten international watch lists--a prude. Who knew? 

----

Except Jason isn’t really a prude, now is he? Nah. Rose’s caught him stealing glances at Kori more than once--always looking the other way when Kori’s boytoy Roy stands nearby. Hell, the way Jason and Roy fool around sometimes—Rose’s not completely convinced of the joke. She’s even found some saucy text messages in his phone, and more than one picture of a gorgeous flight attendant. An old flame--Rose guesses. 

But he doesn’t spare her a second glance. 

And it’s not like Rose doesn’t know what she’s doing. Infiltration isn���t her favorite--she’d much rather blow up The Starfire with a heavy payload. Simple. Quick. A big, beautiful explosion to light some fire in her eyes. But the fucking employer wants Roy’s head as proof. Says he and his friends tend to walk away from this sort of thing. Her employer seemingly has all the time and money in the world--so long as Rose completes the job. She’s starting to wonder what Roy did to piss him off. But she knows how to get under a guy’s skin--the right clothes, the right words, simple gestures to lure him in. 

The second time it’s after the mission, when they’re celebrating with drinks--with sparkling cider instead of alcohol (what is it with these guys?) Rose dons a bikini with his favorite colors--red and black and lounges on the deck chair next to Jason. Roy and Kori have the right idea--already having forgotten their bubbly beverages--drinking instead from each other’s lips. And Jason’s staring up at the stars. 

 Rose kind of envies him in that moment, floating on the water with nothing but wonder on his face. She swan dives at the opposite end, swimming her way toward him. The splash does stir his floaty, and Jason turns over to glance her way. Maybe, just maybe she has a chance. 

“Nice moves out there today. You dad teach you that?”

Rose shrugs. “My mom taught me a few things, too.” Mostly how to draw in close without her mark noticing. But nothing seems to slip Jason’s attention. 

Jason eyes her as her arms brace themselves on his thigh. “You really want me, don’t you.”

“Can’t fault a girl for trying.” And damn her, he’s gorgeous, and cut like a rock. Was it all his years in the batcave or his time with the All-Caste? 

But that’s not want hooks Rose the most. “Sorry to disappoint you, but I’m not like that.” It’s the softness in his eyes. She’s only seen it a couple of times in the past few days, but each time he looks at his friends like that Rose swears she’s being let in on a big secret. 

“Do not tell me you’re gay.”

Jason laughs, laughs, and Rose immediately knows she’s in too deep. “Gay? Straight? Labels. Who needs ‘em?” He stretches out on the pool mattress, and he lets the leg Rose’s leaning on slip into the water. “They’re just more rules.” 

“Then why…?” Rose doesn’t say it. Doesn’t voice the rejection sinking into her brain. Admitting it out loud would mean admitting failure, and Rose Wilson does not fail. 

Shrugging, Jason murmurs. “Don’t know you well enough, yet.”

----

Rose should’ve given up at this point. Gone for the easier kill, damn the consequences. Just snapped Roy’s neck while Kori was in the shower. And why hasn’t she? She hasn’t the foggiest idea. But if she’s honest with herself--Rose knows exactly why. 

Roy is Jason’s best friend. 

Jason would never forgive her if he found out. 

And why does it matter if Jason hates her? 

Damnit, Rose. 

This was exactly the kind of fucked up shit her dad warned her about. Don’t stick around too long. Don’t make friends. Don’t let your mark get under your skin. And what did Rose do? Exactly that.

Her employer doesn’t care if she seduces Jason Todd or not, so why does Rose? 

Damn it all to fucking hell. 

Rose beats the hell out of the punching bag, shaking the chain it hangs from with every strike. Each punch she lands inspires a new idea. Slip some arsenic in his drink. Stab him from behind. Throw him off the roof of the ship. Press a pillow into his face. Snap his neck. Snap his fucking--

“Rose?”

Her fist freezes midair, and she pants, not bothering to turn around. “Yeah?”

“It’s Roy. Something’s happened.”

Fuck. “Is he dead?”

Jason’s eyes tighten as he shakes his head. “We need to find him. Fast.”

Shit. Shit. Shit. 

----

Rose should be happy. Roy did all her hard work for her. Someone found him while he was on a bender, tied him up, and has been carving up his skin as if the answers themselves will bleed right out. 

Amateurs. A professional knows only to interrogate a sober target. Establish a baseline of what the hostage knows and then break them down with intoxication if need be. Break them slowly, only as much as needed. Dead hostages can’t answer questions. 

“Arsenal?” Jason whispers, tilting up Roy’s chin. He doesn’t respond, and his head flops down, heavy against his chest. 

Kory shoots the nearest window, a low growl escaping from her throat as glass shards rain down the side of the building. Rose jumps a little, despite herself. She doesn’t want to imagine being on the receiving end of one of those star bolts. 

“C’mon, Roy. Answer me.” Rose never thought she’d hear Jason beg, not like that. She can’t stand it. 

Walking over, Rose check’s Roy’s pulse and sighs in relief. It’s sluggish, almost too faint to feel. Rose could put him out of his misery right here and now and his friends would have no idea who killed him. Just slip her knife in to hit his artery and bam. Problem solved. Her fingers slip toward the knife on her belt, but Jason’s pleading gaze stops her cold. 

“Is he…?” Oh fuck. Jason has tears welling in his eyes. 

“Alive.” Rose can just see the barrel of the gun her employer will use to tie up loose ends. “Not for long, though.”

Between the three of them, Jason, Rose, and Kory carry Roy back to the ship where they can apply first aid, and the ship’s alien technology can perform a synthetic blood transfusion. Roy’s pulse slowly returns to something recognizable, and Rose sinks in her seat. She’s deciding between her safe houses when Jason’s fingers graze her jaw. 

Rose jumps out of her seat, using everything in her power not to deck him in the face. “The fuck…?”

“Hey.” Oh. Jason’s nose is so close to hers that she can feel his breath on her face. She can smell the mint he just put in his mouth. Never once did Rose imagine Jason could be such a sap. The heat of his fingers sears her skin, but she doesn’t pull away. Rose dares a glance down his lips and when she looks back up Jason’s already tilting his head to meet hers. 

His kiss is softer than she expects, lightly brushing his lips over hers, holding her jaw just enough so she can slip away if she wants to. Rose freezes, never expecting this after all this time, all those refusals. Jason starts to pull back before her brain finally stops dividing by zero, and she grabs the back of his neck, crushing her lips against his. Swearing softly, Jason meets her tit for tat, and they stumble out of the med bay and into the hall. 

Rose presses him against the wall, slipping her hands inside the opening of his favorite jacket, feeling the heat rising off his chest and the rush of his heartbeat. Part of her still expect to wake up from this dream in her bed alone, heart hammering, skin flushed, thighs damp with need. She mouths a silent prayer into his lips, to the god she never bothers to answer to, pleading to make the dream real, just this once. 

Jason’s hands wander across her shoulders, down her arms, and around her hips to her back. Rose steps between his legs, pushing his jacket off his shoulders. Breaking for air, Jason’s words come out ragged. “We...we should pick a room. Yours or mine?”

Instead of answering him with words, Rose guides him to his door and shoves him inside, tossing his jacket to the floor. Jason stares at her breathlessly, and she hesitates. “Too much?”

“Never.” His fingers wind in her hair, pulling her back into another kiss.

Rose drinks him in like she’s parched for thirst, scratching the edge of his hairline from the tips of his ears to the base of his skull. Jason sucks in a breath and Rose grins into his mouth. She tastes him, gasping softly as his fingers twist in her curls, pulling at her hair just enough. HIs other hand wanders just south of her waist and he freezes. Stepping back, Rose loosens her hold, looking him over from head to toe. 

Jason pants, taking her in too. “...Are we…?”

Leaning against the closed door, Rose folds her arms. “Are we what, Jason?”

“Is this a onetime thing or…” Jason’s eyes trail back in the direction of the hospital room and suddenly the tension between him and the other Outlaws make a lot more sense. 

Damnit. “I’m a merc, Jason.” Really, she should be happy with the kiss, more than the kiss, but this--former Robin proves hard to let go of. “I’ve stayed here too long as it is.”

Jason’s eyes narrow ever so slightly and Rose plasters on her poker face, hoping he hasn’t found her out tonight of all nights. “Why do you do that?”

“Do what?”

“Push me away.” His voice wavers as he speaks, and Rose’s heart plummets to her stomach. Damn him. 

“What do you want from me?” And damn her too, that waver is apparently contagious. 

Jason steps closer, sliding his hand in to cup her jaw, the edge of his thumb grazing the bottom of her cheek. “I don’t want to just fuck, Rose.” His eyes close, and he brushes his nose against hers. “I want to--” He clamps his mouth shut, trembling slightly in his touch. 

The word teeters on the edge of his tongue, but it doesn’t come out, so Rose pulls it out with a snarl. “Loving me will get you killed, Jason.”

A sloppy grin forms on his face, and Jason nods at her. “Death isn’t as final as you think.”

“So what. You’re immortal now?” She’s grinning too, and she knows she’s fallen too far to get back up.

Jason brushes his lips against hers. “I sure feel like I am when I’m around you.” His next kiss probes deeper, and one hand tugs on her elbow. “Stay. After this is over.”

Her answer is right there, just inside her mouth, but Rose says something else instead. “Oh? You’re that sure I’m a good fuck?”

His lips smack against hers. “I’m not here to fuck you.”

“Jason--”

He silences her with a finger, and then he traces the edge of her lips with his fingertip. Rose resists the urge to pull it into her mouth and suck on it. She’s doomed. “I’m here to make love to you.”

Rose swallows, freezing on the spot. “I can’t promise you anything.”

His smile slips, and she desperately wants to put it back on his face. Rose doesn’t want to break his heart, not anymore. “Rose--”

“No one can.” Tracing the space where his heart hammers in his chest, Rose whispers softly. “Someone could break in ten minutes from now and shoot me in the head.” Standing up on her tiptoes, she kisses his forehead. “Nothing’s guaranteed.” Then she kisses the back of his hand. “Doesn’t mean we can’t enjoy it while it lasts.”

Jason watches her, his face inscrutable as ever. 

Shit. Did I make things worse? Rose opens her mouth to murmur another apology but Jason kisses her before she can say a word. He pulls her close, his hands seemingly everywhere at once, and yet she craves more of him. Daring to slide her hand up Jason’s shirt, she grins into his lips as he leans heavily into her touch, a groan escaping from his lips despite himself. She grazes the lines of his abdomen with her nails. “Oh,” Rose says softly. 

Jason Todd. Blushing. As he watches her. “Like what you see?” he says just as soft. 

“I haven’t seen anything yet.” She ducks down, pushing up his shirt and following its path with her mouth. 

“Fuck.” One of his wandering hands finds its way back to her hair, holding her head as she breathes against his stomach. “Rose.”

Rose stands up, grinning against his collarbone. “Getting there.” She finds the hollow where his neck meets his shoulder and lavishes her attention there, charged by the tightening of his grip. 

Jason pushes her to arm’s length, taking a ragged breath. He drags down the zipper of her jacket, taking in the sight of her skin inch by inch. Rose presses into his touch, admittedly reddening a bit herself. His lips part with hunger, but it's the wonder in his eyes that stops her in place—like he sees the stars flickering across her skin.  With his fingers he traces the scar on her shoulder and the ones that line her arms. Sucking in a breath, he circles the mark of a bullet on her chest. “That must’ve hurt.”

“Like hell.” Rose mutters, only to gasp when Jason presses his lips against it. “Jason.”

“Shh,” he says softly, breathing in her scent as he edges his fingers beneath her bra and the plastron it holds. He traces a path up her neck and across her throat until he makes it to her ear. “Let me take care of you.”

Why does the thought of him being gentle make her heart beat faster?  Part of her wants him to have his way, and take his time exploring her body. Another, much louder part wants to rile him until he takes her fast and hard. Rose grabs the edge of his shirt, looking up at Jason. He nods, and she bites her lips as she pulls it over his head. 

Holy shit. 

Rose thought she had a lot of scars. Jason has so many she doesn’t even know where to start. There are the bullet marks, the punctures, the rhythmic signs of torture, the line going up the side of his neck and into his hairline where a crowbar must’ve bashed his head in. It’s not until Jason tilts her chin up that Rose realizes she’s been holding her breath. “I’m still here,” he whispers, pulling her into another kiss. She wonders how many times he’s kissed Death on the lips, only to pull back when it wanted him most. 

“Soon, you’ll in bed.” She grins against his lips, finding the latch on his belt. “Booby traps? Really?”

He laughs once, running a hand down her breast, feeling the softness of her skin there. “Safety first.” When he gets to the lines of her abdomen, he swallows, drawing a grin from Rose’s mouth. 

Stepping back, Rose eyes the latch, her brain already processing the potential catastrophes, and the configurations that would enable them. “Gotcha.” The belt clicks open, without a single explosion or poison released. 

Jason blinks at her as she sets the belt aside. “I can’t decide if that’s hot or terrifying.”

Rose stands up on her tiptoes, whispering in his ear. “Why not both?” She punctuates her question with a bite on his ear lobe. The rumble of his groan stirs her chest, sending shockwaves between her legs. Hooking her thumbs in his belt loops, Rose pulls him closer, grinding up against him. 

“Rose--” He says, in pleading or in warning, Rose isn’t quite sure.

“What do you want, Jay?” She runs the tip of her tongue up the ridge, shivering at the way his ragged breaths stir her hair. 

“Bed,” he says hoarsely, “now.” He pulls her with him, and they tumble into the sheets, boots still on. 

It’s a race, then, to see who can get the other’s off the fastest. Four thunks, laughs, and tangled sheets later, Rose climbs up his body, guiding his hands to her belt. Jason’s removed plenty of belts, that Rose is sure, but it’s like he deliberately fumbles his hands against her skin, just so he has an excuse to graze his knuckles there. And damn him, her skin jumps every time. Fine. She’ll make him lose track for real. Rose plants a wet kiss against his lips, running her hands down his shoulders and his arms, guiding his fingers until her belt clangs against his bookshelf before sliding to the floor. “Better,” she murmurs. 

Jason runs his fingertips along the edge of her jeans, drawing his touch up and down her spine. “I could stare at you for hours, you know that?”

Rose snorts. “I can think of better ways to spend your time.”

Tilting his chin in challenge, Jason sits back. “Oh? Like what?”

Biting her bottom lip, Rose catches his wandering hand, and takes it to the button of her jeans. “Lemme show you.”

Jason holds his breath, unbuttoning her jeans and drawing the zipper down. He’s so quiet Rose starts to doubt what her late-night visions have been telling her for months. Maybe they weren’t her precognition talking. Maybe they’re just the wet dreams so many guys and girls have had ever since Jason donned a mask. Searching his eyes, Rose says, “We can stop--”

Holding her gaze, Jason replies, “I don’t want to.” HIs fingers follow hers inside her jeans and inside her underwear, and he sucks in a breath. “Shit, you’re wet.”

Rose blushes, despite herself. “You really all that surprised?” She presses his fingers in slow, small circles, holding onto the headboard behind him for balance. Then she moves his touch faster, harder, gasping against his shoulder. “Nn, fuck.” 

“Breathe.” Jason chuckles softly, pressing a kiss into her shoulder. He moves his fingers more independently now while she’s distracted. And Rose breathes him in, awash in gunpowder and amber, and that salty scent he bears after a fight. Always so uniquely Jason Todd that the smell of it sends Rose right over the edge. He shakes them both with his laughter. “And our pants aren’t even off yet.”

“Shut up.” Rose pulls back to look at him.

He smirks. “Make me.”

Jason doesn’t need to say it twice. Rose assaults his lips with hers, pushing him down into the mattress. Making quick work of his jeans, she pulls them down as he shimmies out of them. Boxers briefs, huh? They’re just a simple grey with a black waist band--for some reason she’d expected some sort of smart-alecy words printed on them.  Sliding down, she runs the tip of her nose up the line of his bulge, grinning as he writhes beneath her. While she sits up, Rose edges her fingers inside, feeling along his length, breathing in Jason’s unsteady gasps. Always so coy and cocky, and now he can’t form a single word. “Cat got your tongue?” she murmurs against his ear. 

Jason turns his head, kissing her long and deep, rolling them over. Rose lifts her hips so he can get her jeans off, and he kisses just south of her belly button. “Mm.” Glancing up at her, Jason grins, kissing harder against that spot, lavishing his tongue until she squirms beneath him. But she doesn’t beg, not yet. The lines in his back are coiled tight, so tight his body might burst at the seams, but Jason takes his time, kissing down her hips, her thighs, her calves. Swallowing her whine, Rose reaches for his shoulder, but Jason takes her hands, placing them back at her sides. 

“Patience, Rose.” He silences her protests with a kiss, diving back between her legs, edging them apart so that he has room. His lips find her ankle, the back of her knee, and Rose heart pounds as he gets closer and closer to her underwear. There’s no hiding her need for him now, with the way it soaks the front of her boyshorts. Jason samples the taste of her through the fabric, giving her one long lick. 

“Oh fuck.” Rose gasps and twists, and Jason has to hold her down with one arm slung across her abs. He peels her underwear off, testing her with different pressures and strokes. Every so often, she catches him looking up at her, assuring himself he’d doing it just the way she likes. Her insides clench, and she twists in bliss, but Jason doesn’t stop, only pausing briefly to come up for air. Even then, his fingers fill in while he wipes his mouth.

“Shh.” He whispers against her mouth, reaching over into his bedside drawer for a condom. Did she say something? 

“Yeah?” Rose asks, and her voice comes out hoarse. Fuck, she must’ve been screaming. While he slides on the condom, she’s reaching over for a bottle of water, downing half of it without giving a fuck to whom drank from it last.

Jason returns to her, surprisingly shy when they’re so close to merging their bodies. He gives her one chaste kiss, then another, letting her lead the pace. She winds one hand around the back of his neck, scratching the skin at the base of his skull. The other she uses to thumb the scar next to his eyebrow, the sharp line of his jaw, the sheen of sweat running down his neck to his collarbone, and that delicious line that runs down to the thatch between his legs. Guiding him inside her, Rose closes her eyes, letting his groan wash over her shoulder. 

Rose traces circles across his back as he thrusts in and out, only to grip his shoulder when he picks up the pace. Jason grins against her mouth, sliding his hand between them, and Rose jolts, clinging to him as she whimpers into his neck. “It’s okay,” he murmurs against her mouth. “You can let go.” His tone meanders between loving and teasing, and maybe for Jason there is no line between them. 

She doesn’t want to, not again before he does. But then Jason has to fucking whisper sweet nothings in her ear. 

“You’re so beautiful when you let go,” he says softly, and her world flashes white, much like it does on the cusp of a vision. Her body coils like a spring, and Rose hooks her ankles around his hips, drawing him deeper inside as she clenches around him. 

Jason’s eyes pinch shut as he loses his tightly held control, and Rose rolls her hips until he falls to her side. “Holy hell,” he gasps softly, muffled by his pillow. 

“Yeah.” Rose shouldn’t, but she can’t help but kiss his left temple, tucking them in and tossing the spent condom aside. 

She spends the night committing every line of his body to memory. And it helps soothe her in the weeks, months, and years ahead. 

---

The next morning, Rose rolls to get closer to him, only to find his side of the bed empty. In his place, Jason left a small, folded piece of paper, and Rose takes her time undoing all the creases. 

Rose,

You’ve no idea how amazing you are. I hope last night isn’t the end of it, but I understand if it is.

--Jason.

Beneath his name, Jason’s inscribed his number, and though Rose memorizes it within seconds, she always keeps the note close, in her utility belt or between her bra and her plastron, next to her beating heart. 

[bellatrixobsessed1]

Odd question, what sexuality do you hc Alcina as? I personally think it's funny to see her as Bisexual, but her motherly instincts are so powerful that she automatically despises any man her daughters take interest in because her daughters are obviously too good for them. And because her daughters are... Like That (you saw how they acted in the game, all ravenous and fervent), pretty much any man who comes around is not gonna be one Alcina likes.

(I pretty much hc anyone and everyone as bi unless it's directly stated otherwise in canon, and even then, I will occasionally disregard canon)

I'm actually the same way. I sort of default to headcanoning characters as bi until proven otherwise. I don't like choosing either straight or gay because I don't want assume one way or another so until I get canon confirmation usually I headcanon the character as bi (or ace, or a bi ace, because projection).

With Lady D though, I do kind of lean towards headcanoning her as a lesbian despite my fanfic. Which is why my next fic is going to be either Alcina/Mia or trying my hand at Alcina/Maiden.

Right now I'm kind of dabbling in pairs and seeing which ones I like the best.

Thanks for the ask :)

[squidwithelbows]

hey there! if you make the list for wlw books, I would appreciate it. I'd just like to read some good ones that feature well written wlw and not just in the background

I’ve got you! I made a rec list of lgbt books a while back but I knew as I was writing it that not nearly enough were primarily about women.. So here’s a lgbt book rec list, wlw edition! Obvi, this list is FAR from complete but in case you’re like me and you’re struggling to find any books about wlw that you might actually like, I’ve got a few suggestions.

sci fi / fantasy:

Six of Crows and King of Scars (wlw and mlm) – I’ve recommended this before but I’ll keep doing it again and again until the day I die because SoC is my all time favorite YA novel. And the bi woman from SoC is a main character again in King of Scars!!

Not Your Sidekick (wlw, mlm, trans, ace) – A super fun super quick superhero book in which literally everyone is queer.

The Lesson (wlw and some bg mlm) – I actually got to read this one a little before its release but trust me it’s PHENOMENAL. It’s got aliens, it’s got social commentary, it’s got mystery, and it’s got wlw. In the meantime Cadwell also wrote Loneliness Is In Your Blood, which is a horror short story with a wlw protagonist.

Ice Massacre (wlw) – Creepy killer lesbian mermaids!

The Long Way to a Small, Angry Planet (wlw and nonbinary) – My friend Janelle described this one as the more inclusive Firefly of her dreams and I think that pretty much sums it up. There isn’t much of a driving plot, but it’s a fun time.

The Expanse series (wlw, mlm, nonbinary) – Full disclosure I watched the tv show of this one and only just started the books but it’s GOOD. It follows a really big cast of characters in a sort of first contact space political thriller in a very casually diverse future. 

Ash (wlw) – Gay Cinderella with creepy fairies!

Soulless (mlm, wlw, nonbinary) – A steampunk series about vampires, werewolves, and ghosts that’s just a lot of fun and has a whole bunch of queer characters. Seriously just assume everyone is bi, especially the protagonist. (Fair warning, she is in a relationship with a man but that doesn’t magically make her not bi)

Circe (wlw and mlm) – I’m gonna say up front that the mc does not end in a relationship with a woman even though there’s a perfect candidate right there, but the book is still very casually queer and bi as hell and honestly just really really good.

Strange the Dreamer (wlw and mlm) – On the list because my two favorite minor characters from the first book got the screen time they deserved in the sequel, and their friendship was the wlw/mlm solidarity I deserved!! The most prominent wlw character is only one of a large cast, but the plot unfolds beautifully and the moral dilemmas that the characters grapple with were WOW.

realistic and/or historical fic:

Lady’s Guide to Petticoats and Piracy (wlw, ace, bg mlm) – This one’s a sequel but the whole series is so fun and charming it’s totally worth it. Tbh I had never found a book that so perfectly encapsulates my absolute ideal life until this one. I can’t even begin to describe all the elements I loved about this book without massive spoilers but just pls pls pls read this series! 

Leah on the Offbeat (wlw and mlm) – Another sequel, to Simon vs the Homo Sapien Agenda, but this one focuses on bi ladies. I don’t typically go for realistic teen lit but Becky Albertalli manages to pull it off.

River of Teeth (wlw, mlm, nonbinary) – An alternate history western where feral hippos have taken over the Southern US and the government hires a team to clear them out. It’s a quick read, the cast is wonderfully diverse, and no one blinks an eye at the lgbt characters.

All Out: The No-Longer-Secret Stories of Queer Teens Through the Ages (wlw, mlm, trans, ace) – A short story anthology set in different time periods and cultures. Imo the cutest wlw story was The Dresser and the Chambermaid, it was a snarky period romance and I am a sucker for all those things.

The Haunting of Hill House (wlw) – The book is very different from the Netflix series, but you might be surprised that the book also has a lesbian character! I couldn’t believe no one had ever mentioned that to me, so consider this my way of paying it forward. One of the powerhouses of horror and furthermore the lesbian doesn’t die y’all!!

graphic novels:

The One Hundred Nights of Hero (wlw) – I LOVED THIS BOOK. It’s a series of stories in the style of the Arabian Nights told by a lesbian couple. They’re so consistently scathing of trash men, it’s really got a streak of dark comedy and mythology that I dig.

Monstress (wlw) – This comic is like art deco meets steampunk meets the Warriors series, but with eldritch gods and set in a matriarchal 1900’s Asia. There are women and wlw everywhere, and it’s unapologetically not European. Very dark, very cool.

The Adventure Zone (wlw, mlm, trans) – Complete as a podcast, ongoing as a series of graphic novels, I’m not being hyperbolic when I say that The Adventure Zone is one of my favorite stories EVER. It’s got a large cast of lgbt characters, secret societies, plot twists, and a constant theme of compassion in the face of hardship. It starts off as a pretty screwball comedy so you may doubt how hard I cried over several plot points later on, but trust me it sneaks up on you. So worth it.

Lumberjanes (wlw and trans) – This one’s got puzzles and monsters and mystery and camping, plus it’s by Noelle Stevenson, wlw queen! In her own words, “assume all characters in my comics are gay unless stated otherwise.”

On a Sunbeam (wlw and nonbinary) – Ngl, I bought this book after I saw the first few pages. The art is stunning. The plot itself is pretty simple and jumps around chronologically following two (literal) star-crossed lovers.

Spinning (wlw) – The same author also wrote a coming of age story about wlw and figure skating. You could say it’s… yuri on ice [laugh track]

Prince and the Dressmaker (wlw and nonbinary) – There’s a point in this book where you’re going to think things are gonna go badly, but they don’t!

Em Carroll’s comics (wlw) – Em Carroll has several books (all of which are BEAUTIFUL, srsly she’s one of my favorite comic writers) and though none of her published books focus on wlw she is a queer author and wrote Anu-Anulan & Yir’s Daughter, which is about wlw and just as gorgeous. Check her out if you love horror or if you love yourself.

[letmetellyouaboutmyfeels]

Mads!! I was wondering if you had some thoughts on Bi!Wyatt because you write him so well and he is, uh, at least 50000% more interesting than I Am Wyatt Logan And I Am Definitely Straight!Wyatt. I JUST HAVE A LOT OF BI!WYATT FEELS

Oh. Oh you wanna know about Bi!Wyatt. Oh ho ho. This. This is gonna be fun.

AKA the Why Wyatt is Bi Meta That I Probably Should’ve Written a Year Ago But Didn’t Because I’m Lazy. BUCKLE UP BUTTERCUPS. THIS IS A FUCKING MANIFESTO.

This will be in two parts. The first will be my arguing why I think Wyatt is bi (pointing out examples that support my argument) and the second will be musing on why taking a character like Wyatt and making him bi is a more creative and interesting writing choice and gives him depth and complexity as a character.

PROLOGUE

Okay before we get started, people are probably wondering why I’m putting so much goddamn effort into writing about the possible sexuality of a character that managed to royally piss us all off for two thirds of an entire season.

Two reasons:

The first is that as I’ve mentioned countless times previously, Wyatt Logan isn’t a malicious person. He’s not a villain. He’s had genuinely good and loving moments. His toxic behavior actually makes him a wonderful example to people watching because it shows how otherwise good men can exhibit this behavior, and in my fiction I love to give him a chance to overcome that behavior and be the good and loving person that he can be and was meant to be. @brassmama once said I should start tagging all my fic “The Emotional Redemption of Wyatt Logan” and frankly, she’s right. That’s what I set out to do. Because to me, just hating on Wyatt and wanting to set him on fire is fucking boring.

also the amount of hate some of you show is concerning me are you guys okay?

Why hate when you can stretch your writing skills and give a character a thorough and well-earned redemption arc? Because shocking news, a lot of the toxic people we meet in our lives are not one-dimensional villains that we can dismiss. It’s not our job to fix them but by golly don’t you hope that they grow past that and become better people? I know I do.

Second, my anger at Wyatt isn’t actually mostly at Wyatt. It’s at the writers. It’s at the shitty boring writers who decided to just hand him his happy ending instead of taking the golden opportunity before them to give him a nice deep and complex redemption arc. It’s at the writers who decided to make him a toxic asshole in the first place instead of taking all his potential in season one and putting it to damn good use and making him a character who was interesting for all the right reasons instead of making him one who was interesting because he pissed us off. Two strikes means you’re out in this particular game, writers.

So. I didn’t come onto this goddamn blue hellsite in order to adopt Wyatt motherfucking Logan of all characters but since I am his mother now I am going to make him interesting and I am going to give him his emotional redemption and one of the best ways to do that is to make him bi so without further ado, here is a) why I think he’s bi and b) why that matters.

PART THE FIRST: LA PREUVE!!!

Before we get into this, I suggest that you quickly read my meta on why I see Wyatt Logan as submissive rather than dominant. It touches on some moments I’ll be mentioning here and helps to further round out how I see his character.

Let’s start at the beginning, shall we? With our favorite British spy, Ian Fleming, in 1x04. This is Wyatt’s reaction when he learns that it’s Fleming they’re dealing with:

“NOT NOW BONER!”

“Oookay that’s hot, he’s hot.”

“Oh oh oh he’s funny and cute aaaahhh”

“LUCY LUCY LUCY DID YOU SEE OHMYGOD DID YOU SEE WHO THAT IS AAAAHHH!!!!” *puppy eyes*

What’s important to note here isn’t just Wyatt’s reaction, but Lucy’s. Lucy is looking at Wyatt with a bit of fond exasperation–she’s saying “seriously?” Rufus has a similar reaction a moment later (although it was too quick for a screengrab, dammit). It’s like they’re annoyed, in a gentle friend way, by Wyatt’s behavior.

Note that Lucy’s geeking out and hero worship is never greeted with suspicion or fond annoyance by Rufus, Wyatt, and later on Flynn. Lucy’s hero worship and knowledge of historical characters is considered one of her strengths, because it allows her to get close to them. So why are Lucy and Rufus reacting this way when Wyatt hero worships someone?

Maybe because it���s not hero worship but, rather, a crush. Lucy and Rufus’s reactions much better fit friends dealing with their friend and the object of his affection.

We see this again in 2x2 with Wendell Scott. Scott makes what can only be described as a ‘sexy entrance’, throwing a man out of his tent and striding out while rock music plays, the camera panning up his body. *fans self* Oh hello sailor.

And the camera goes immediately to Wyatt who has THIS expression on his face right before saying breathlessly, “that’s…”

Wyatt then rushes in to defend Scott (who is just… hhnngghhh… sorry I need a moment that man is a Lot…) and shakes Scott’s hand with this look on his face:

If this isn’t the definition of heart eyes I don’t know what is.

When Scott compliments Wyatt, Wyatt blushes and looks away, pleased and embarrassed. Wyatt then spends the entire episode gooey eyed over Scott, and in a telling moment, tells Scott about his abusive father–private and intimate information that not even Lucy, Wyatt’s official love interest, knows about. It would make far more sense for Wyatt to tell Lucy about all this since she and Rufus are clearly wondering why Wyatt’s so knowledgeable about cars, and Lucy is Wyatt’s chief confessor at this point. Out of everyone, you’d think he’d be most comfortable telling Lucy about something like this.

But instead, he tells Scott about his father, clearly wanting to connect with Scott and be closer to him. This is something you see people do all the time when they have a crush on someone or are attracted to them: we tell them intimate details about our life in order to grow closer to them, intended to speed up the relationship process and stimulate them to be intimate with us in return (since we want to know everything we can about the people with whom we are infatuated).

Moreover, Wyatt’s reactions to Scott contrast Rufus’s reactions. Rufus also greatly admires Scott, and their growing connection as two black men despite their differences based on the times they live in is central to the emotional plot of the episode. But once again, Lucy and Rufus are basically telling Wyatt to “cool it.” Why Wyatt and not Rufus? Because with Wyatt, they’re not telling him just to calm down, they’re telling him to keep it in his pants.

Another thing to note about Fleming in 1x04 is that Wyatt is envious of his interactions with Lucy. Here’s his reaction when Fleming kisses Lucy’s hand:

🎶HEY JEALOUSYYYYYYY 🎶

Not the best screengrab but he’s trying his damndest not to roll his eyes.

Now, we the audience are probably supposed to make the jump in logic that Wyatt is envious of Fleming i.e. Wyatt is attracted to Lucy. But in the previous episode, 1x03, Wyatt tried to use the telegram system at the Vegas hotel to warn Jess of her death and save her life. He’s still hung up on his dead wife and wants to save her (we see this again in 1x06 when Flynn states outright from the journal that Wyatt is ‘obsessed’ with Jess and bringing her back). At this point in the series, Wyatt is still in love with his wife and wants her back. There’s no reason for him, therefore, to feel possessive of Lucy in any way.

But Fleming is Wyatt’s hero, not Lucy’s. So if Wyatt is attracted to Fleming, his envy makes sense. He’s envious of Lucy for getting all of Fleming’s flirtation and attention.

However, conversely we see that Wyatt is uncomfortable around other men who might show him interest. In 1x16 at the gay club, we see that Wyatt is extremely discomforted and stated that he “feels like a piece of meat.” Wyatt has so far been perfectly comfortable with LGBT+ people such as Denise, and then he’s comfortable with Ethan Cahill later on, so this doesn’t stem from homophobia but specifically from gay men thinking Wyatt is gay. I admit I’m drawing from personal experience here but in said personal experience, men who react with such discomfort tend to be suppressing a few things themselves–most straight men I know would laugh it off or roll their eyes.

Wyatt, however, is outright skittish. He’s acting like he’s got something to hide. Our first indication is when Lucy says, “This is 1954. You could get arrested for being gay.”

I couldn’t get a good enough shot of Wyatt’s reaction but here’s the tail end of it. Wyatt reacts to this assertion with discomfort and self-consciousness. Why would he do that? It’s not like they’re talking about him… unless Lucy’s reminder that people think being gay isn’t okay has painfully reminded Wyatt of himself. Wyatt grew up in a small town in Texas. I doubt they were all that kind to LGBT+ people there.

This is Wyatt right after a guy checks him out:

Check out his face. Wyatt’s avoiding the guy’s eyes, shifting uncomfortably, looking at the ground. Look at those puppy eyes. He’s scared–but why would he be scared? He’s not going to get jumped or anything. What could he possibly be fearing? The only thing that makes sense is he fears being outed, somehow, by another gay man who might be perceptive enough to metaphorically back him into a corner and force Wyatt to reveal something that he’s not ready to reveal.

Wyatt then tries to blow it off, “he’s looking at me like I’m a piece of meat,” but if we actually look at the onceover the gay guy gives him… it’s not actually that objectifying. The man looks down, then looks Wyatt right in the eyes and smiles at him flirtatiously. There’s no sloooooow drag up Wyatt’s frame, no wink, no outright leering. It’s quite tame compared to how most men look at women. But Wyatt’s response is that he feels like a piece of meat. His discomfort is actually disproportionate to the action that sparks his reaction.

But of course, all of these examples pale in comparison to the main one. The piece de resistance, the most compelling set of reasons yet, I give you… (drumroll, please)…

GARCIA FLYNN

Wyatt’s reactions to Flynn are… extreme. Rufus and Lucy have more reason to dislike Flynn than Wyatt does, and yet Wyatt’s the one storming all over the place and acting like just being around Flynn gives him an allergic reaction. He’s constantly going out of his way to push Flynn away and show Flynn just how much Wyatt hates him. It’s like Wyatt needs to prove to Flynn–and to everyone else–just how much Wyatt dislikes him.

Like this moment in 2x06 when Wyatt demands that Flynn “keep them safe”:

Note that Flynn winks at him:

was this wink scripted Goran Goran hey hey was this wink scripted or did you do it in the moment because Certified Mess™ Flynn can’t resist flirting with Wyatt to knock him off his game Goran inquiring minds need to know GORAN I HAVE QUESTIONS

And Wyatt is caught off-guard by the wink and then has to turn around and collect himself, taking a deep steadying breath:

Or take this moment when Flynn walks into the bunker in 2x03…

…where Wyatt literally stands up and storms out of the room upon Flynn’s entrance, saying to keep Flynn on a leash. Wyatt can’t even handle being in the same room with Flynn, while Lucy and Rufus (y’know, the guy Flynn got shot in 1x15) manage to stay in the room and have much smaller reactions to Flynn.

Note: Flynn definitely checks out Wyatt’s ass as he leaves I’m just saying–

Wyatt might as well be waving a giant red flag going HEY! HEY! I HATE THIS GUY! IN CASE ANY OF YOU THOUGHT I MIGHT LIKE THIS GUY OR EVEN RESPECT HIM THE TINIEST BIT!

We get even more of this in 2x07 when Wyatt gets extremely aggressive and tells Flynn to stay away from Lucy:

…and they were roommates.

(Oh my God they were roommates.)

…I mean do I even need to talk about the homoerotic subtext in these screenshots?

Wyatt, however, has more reason than anyone besides Lucy to connect with Flynn. Not only because they mirror each other, but because Wyatt gets to see a vulnerable and personal side of Flynn that nobody else does. Flynn doesn’t tell Lucy about his family’s murder–he tells Wyatt. Lucy doesn’t see Flynn risk his own existence to save his brother’s life, Wyatt does. Why does Wyatt get to see these moments if not to set the two men up as a parallel, a mirror for one another, and frankly why does he keep insisting Flynn’s an asshole when Wyatt is privy to moments like these:

Quote: “He just saved your son’s life.”

Quote: “Every memory I have of you, you were always sad. I know what it is to lose a child. I didn’t want you to lose your son, not if I could stop it.”

Moments where we clearly see Wyatt realizing Flynn’s not such a bad guy and understanding that Flynn is complex and has layers and weaknesses and powerful, understandable motivation. Why would we a) get to see Wyatt with Flynn in these moments of vulnerability and intimacy but then b) see Wyatt go out of his way to continually push Flynn away more than anyone else?

This has no bearing on the whole bi thing but frankly, this is one of Wyatt’s best looks. 10/10 suit. Pretty pretty puppy.

There’s only one reason: he’s scared of Flynn getting too close to him. And why would he be scared of that? Same reason he’s scared of the gay men in the bar hitting on him: Flynn might see a secret that Wyatt isn’t ready to look at.

1x08 is Flynn at his third lowest point (second lowest being his suicide mission in 1x16 and lowest of all being the end of 1x10/beginning of 1x11 when he kidnaps Lucy). He is ready to erase his own existence to save his brother and make his mother happy. It would make the most sense for Flynn to be seen like this by Lucy, who is the only character who’s made any attempt to understand him or connect with him and is the one he’s making the most effort to reach out to, the one he says he’ll “make a great team” with someday. Not to mention that given the disappearance of Amy from existence, Lucy’s the one most poised to understand what Flynn’s doing: saving a sibling. And Lucy’s the one (prior to 1x16) with a good relationship with her mom, just like Flynn, and would feasibly understand wanting to do anything to make one’s mother smile. Wyatt’s mother is never even mentioned in canon.

But it’s not Lucy who sees him like this and gets this intimate glimpse into Flynn’s past and home life. It’s Wyatt. Wyatt gets to see that–and usually in fiction writing, the character who gets to see that is the romantic interest or the character who at least has some sort of romantic feeling for the person.

Hmmmmmmm.

But before the Space Race, there was an even more prolonged and intimate moment between the two men–the first real interaction they have and one that, for me, cemented Wyatt as a closeted bisexual.

I’ve left this one for last, since it’s our biggest piece of evidence: The Watergate Tape.

AKA Wyatt Logan Has a Brain Glitch, AKA Wyatt Logan Has a Bi Crisis and Discovers a New Kink, AKA In Which Wyatt Logan Realizes He is Kinkier and Gayer Than He Originally Planned

thank you to @extasiswings for the second title

Aaanyway.

So. In this episode, Flynn captures the Time Team and sends Rufus and Lucy to get information for him while he holds Wyatt hostage.

I think I’ve seen this porno.

Flynn then spends his time with Wyatt telling him about Lucy’s journal and how Lucy writes about Jessica Logan’s death–in fact this is how the audience finally finds out how Jess died–and that Wyatt is ‘obsessed’ with Jess’s death and needs to learn to move on. In return to earn Wyatt’s trust, Flynn tells Wyatt how Flynn’s wife and child were murdered by Rittenhouse (again, this is how the audience also learns the story).

It’s a startlingly intimate moment between the two men. Like with Scott, we’d expect to hear the story of Jess’s death through Wyatt talking to Lucy, the person to whom he is closest and the person who at this point he is starting to show sexual attraction towards (I personally think Wyatt started to really be attracted to Lucy in 1x05 after she steadies him at the Alamo during his PTSD attack but anyhow). But instead, we hear it in a painful and intimate exchange between these two.

Pay attention to how Wyatt gets super uncomfortable when Flynn gets close to him, how he looks up at Flynn through his lashes, how very submissive Wyatt is being with his body language.

“Raise my chin even more to look Flynn directly in the eye? Nah. Gonna do a half-head tilt so I’m giving him a sultry side-eye.”

Wyatt also throughout their exchange (before Flynn pushes Wyatt’s buttons and makes him angry) routinely gives Flynn these looks:

Hmm, where have we seen Wyatt have that facial expression? At Fleming, for one, and at Lucy, for another. It’s a flirtatious expression.

There’s no reason for this screencap I just think it’s preeeetty. Mmm. Bask in the pretty.

Actually this screencap does a good job of illustrating the use of this scene to parallel the two men’s lives and storylines and show how they mirror each other.

Also? Look at how Wyatt’s positioned.

He’s not just in a hugely submissive position, he’s in a sexually suggestive position. He’s tied to a chair, and Flynn is looming over him, both of which are submissive. And look at how his legs are spread. His feet aren’t tied, by the way–Wyatt is doing that subconsciously, which puts, ah, certain aspects on display and in another situation it might be manspreading but given the positioning of the rest of his body and the situation he’s in, I sure as hell wouldn’t be manspreading. Manspreading suggests confidence and relaxation. His life is in danger and when we’re in danger whether we like it or not we instinctively go to protect our ‘vulnerable bits’ including, especially for men, our junk. By spreading his legs like this, Wyatt isn’t asserting his relaxation or confidence, he’s displaying himself.

His legs are spread, he’s tied up, he’s looking up at Flynn through his lashes, and he’s wearing a shirt that’s stretching across his chest, drawing attention to it. Now, in day to day reality, we sometimes wear shirts that do this and it doesn’t mean anything. But this is fiction and that means a costumer put that actor in a shirt that they knew would stretch across his chest in that way and therefore make him look even more sexually suggestive and exposed, and they chose to undo his top buttons and expose more of his throat, making him look more vulnerable and suggestive through that as well.

If Wyatt was, say, hanging from his wrists, that would be submissive, but not sexually suggestive. This, however, is both. The way the two sit together, the way Flynn tries to get on his level, the soft lighting, the way the two are wearing a pastel version of each other’s colors (Flynn’s signature color is burgundy and Wyatt is wearing pink, Wyatt’s signature color is blue and Flynn is wearing pastel blue)… if Wyatt was a woman there’d be no doubt that we’re seeing a prelude to a romantic connection here.

Throughout the whole confrontation with Flynn, up until the point where Wyatt’s angry over Flynn bringing up Jess’s death, Wyatt is in a suggestive, submissive position, he’s giving Flynn flirtatious looks, he’s uncomfortable in a not now boner way when Flynn gets too close the same way he was with Fleming. The whole time Wyatt is acting like he’s uncomfortably aroused.

Wyatt then takes great pains to shove away any connection with Flynn. There’s no real attempt to reason with Flynn, or acknowledge their similarities. Instead he denies any connection between them and calls Flynn a sociopath. Why? Because you can’t let any man to whom you’re attracted too close or he might figure out those dark feelings you’re trying to deny and/or hide. Wyatt is practically allergic to Flynn’s overtures or even to Flynn’s presence, as we already covered in 2x03, 2x06, and so on. But he keeps being given reason to think Flynn isn’t such a bad guy (1x06, 1x08). His shoving Flynn away like this only makes sense if Wyatt is scared of what will happen if Flynn gets too close to him, physically or emotionally. And it all starts here with 1x06.

It was this conversation that led me to go hmmmm and then re-examine 1x04 and take a closer look at Wyatt’s behavior in subsequent episodes.

So, to recap:

Wyatt shows in 1x04 that he is capable of being attracted to a man given his behavior around Fleming and Lucy and Rufus’s reaction to Wyatt’s behavior (”ugh get a room buddy,” etc). This is seen yet again in 2x02. In 1x06, Wyatt has a long conversation with Flynn where it is in a vulnerable position emotionally and physically and is furthermore in a sexually suggestive and submissive position in relation to Flynn. In 1x08 he gets an intimate look into Flynn’s psyche and childhood and family. In 1x16, we see Wyatt is uncomfortable in a LGBT+ setting suggesting he is not comfortable with his own sexuality and is scared of being found out. For all of season two, he then goes out of his way to show Flynn and everyone else how much he absolutely hates Flynn, despite having the least reason to do so, since his only reason is vying for Lucy’s affection and Flynn doesn’t become a true threat to that until 2x06. But in 2x03, 2x06, and 2x07, we see Wyatt making sure Flynn knows he’s not wanted.

Conclusion: Wyatt is bi. Wyatt is uncomfortable with being bi and has not accepted that about himself or perhaps even admitted it to himself. Wyatt is attracted to Flynn, as seen in 1x06, and has tentative romantic feelings for him developed in 1x06 and 1x08 based on seeing Flynn in vulnerable moments and learning intimate details about Flynn’s life. Wyatt then pushes Flynn away in order to push his own bisexuality away and avoid confronting it.

Wyatt being attracted to Flynn is the only logical conclusion for Wyatt’s behavior towards Flynn pre-2x06, given that Lucy and Rufus have more reason to dislike Flynn than Wyatt does, and that Flynn is not a true contender for Lucy’s romantic affection until 2x06 (he is, but Wyatt has ZERO reason to know this until 2x06 when Wyatt sees Flynn and Lucy smiling and joking together and walking down the hallway together, presumably towards one of their bedrooms for a private conversation, and Lucy tells Wyatt how great Flynn was on the mission). Wyatt has no reason other than being attracted to Flynn.

Wyatt being bi is the only logical conclusion for his behavior towards Fleming and Scott, given that Lucy and Rufus also have characters they hero worship and are not treated by the other two the way that Wyatt is when he ‘hero worships’ Scott and Fleming. Compare and contrast Wyatt’s behavior towards Scott with Rufus’s behavior towards Scott.

Wyatt being bi is the only logical conclusion for his behavior at the gay club, given that he is otherwise shown to be comfortable with LGBT+ people and seems not only uncomfortable but genuinely afraid, which as a Delta force-trained man who can more than protect himself physically, he has no reason to be–unless he’s hiding his sexuality and is scared of exposure.

The proof is in the pudding. Wyatt is bi. At least, according to my headcanon he is.

We can’t say for sure what the writers intended for Wyatt’s sexuality, and I’m not saying with any of this that they were secretly writing him as bi the whole time. I’m certain that some of them definitely didn’t write him that way *cough* Arika *cough* but either way I would never presume to know about the secret or hidden agendas of the creative team. This isn’t me saying “the writers were going to reveal Wyatt as bi in season three!” or “they secretly wrote Wyatt to be a closeted bisexual!”

Rather, this is me showing you through screenshots and a breakdown of Wyatt’s behavior in the episodes that it is perfectly possible and even logical to conclude that he is bi, and that I can use the actual source text (in this case the episodes) to back up my assertion.

This got annoyingly long so you can read the rest here!

[arojenniferwalters]

No canon straight characters; using labels needed for canonicity? and period accuracy in fanfic

These are some random thoughts I have on couple of posts I've seen on my dash lately, so I'm just randomly writing down my thoughts:

1) most characters are not actually straight on canon because they don't specifically say 'I'm straight' or 'i'm only romantically and sexually attracted to people of the so called opposite gender'.

This is very true. In fact, most character never identify as straight unless there are non-straight or trans characters in the work as a counterpoint. Grace Adler says she's straight. Jennifer Walters is not lesbian. Peter whatever from Doubt is still straight when dating a trans woman. Kenzi from Lost Girl reciprocates Bo's coming out.

I recently wrote a long meta on another sideblog about how a character never identifies as straight and how the writing and portrayal lead to credible non-straight interpretations even though I know he's supposed to be straight.

So basically, straight characters are usually explicitly straight when it's known that not everyone is. If there exists character who are trans or not straight, other characters then might also express their straightness in response.

But mostly it's cisheteronormativity that makes us accept that unless they state otherwise, they are supposed to be cis and straight.

(Of course this gets complicated when we talk about rep bcus 'they didn't say they aren't x or y' doesn't really count as proper rep. But it's complicated, but like headcanons are fair game. Like, 'you shouldn't hc this canon straight character as not straight' isn't a good argument, because few character actually *are* canon straight. Most characters just have the potential to be or are in m/f pairings but that doesn't mean that straight is the only thing they can be.)

2) Labels are great. Labels tell people without a doubt who that character is and it is incredibly validating to see characters identify the same way you do (shoutout to Aled Last!). But does a character need to use a label to properly count as having this identity, if there is strong coding and word of god?

I'm conflicted. I really am. Because you can do a decent job of making characters gay/lesbian/m-spec without necessarily using a label (although not using it can be obnoxious, especially with m-spec characters), that's not necessarily the same with a-spec characters. Because there's not enough rep for us for people to read in and accept the subtext/coding. (Canon ace, coded aro is another issue but that's semi besides the point)

Here I'm mainly thinking of Raphael Santiago in books vs TV show, and comparing 2 word of god demi characters; Rivka of Mangoverse and Julian Blackthorn of The Dark Artifices.

So, book!Raphael for a long time was barely/maybe coded aroace and after he was killed off he became a word of god aroace through twitter. Then came 2017 and the tv show and new book appearances and suddenly he got to verbally say ace (and/or aro) things without using the label. I haven't read-read the books with that canonization yet but it seems to be very clear now that he is sex and romance repulsed aroace. Great.

The tv show canonized his aceness before the books did but they did it without using labels and basically making a mess of his romantic orientation (is he still aro? Arospec? Alloromantic who just didn't feel rom attraction much? He never did pursue a romantic relationship with Izzy after the addiction mess even though they acknowledged that they cared for each other, but was it romantic from Raph? We don't know! *throws hands in the air in frustration*).

As much as I love show!Raphael, "I'm just not interested in sex." isn't necessarily the best way to establish aceness. Mostly because if you google 'not interested in sex', you get articles on libido and how to increase it, with one article talking about aceness, but not in the title. But the fact that Raphael says he's always been like this, that he's never pressured into having sex and is at peace with his orientation does, to me, make it good rep. I still kinda wish he'd used a label though.

Then the demi rep: neither Rivka nor Julian identifies as demi in text. Shira Glassman didn't at first realize she was writing Rivka in a demi way, in fact the backcover identifies her as straight (kinda as a 'there will be no romantic tension between Rivka and Shulamit' way, similar to Bo and Kenzi in section 1). But when people mentioned that she seems like a hetro demi, Shira embraced that and while the world doesn't do labels the way we do, she is still demi. I love her and I am happy she exists and she is accepted demi rep.

Now, Julian is a different thing. In TDA, he is 17, the year is 2012 and the Internet exists. After the 2nd book, people started speculating that Julian is demi based on how he thinks about never being attracted to anyone but Emma, and how he had started to feel different from his peers when he didn't start experiencing attraction like they did. Someone asked about this from Cassandra Clare and she answered the ask privately, saying that if he was a modern, non-Shadowhunter teenager and he had access to information about the identity, that he would identify as demisexual. The issue is that considering the timeframe (2012) and everything about his situation, he doesn't have access to that label so he doesn't use it.

So. Here we have a canon demi character, based on coding and word of god who has semi realistic reason for not knowing the label and thus not identifying with it, even though he would if he could. But a lot of people don't want to accept that. And that's where my issues come from: Julian says and thinks some very demi things, and to me doesn't do anything that invalidates his deminess. Why is that not enough? Like, I absolutely want him to use that label, I want to read him say it and find comfort in it. But why is his character not demi rep enough because he doesn't use the word?

Rivka has similar reasons for not having the label (not our world and the terminology doesn't exist) and while I doubt there are that much overlap between the 2 fandoms, I am curious about the difference. Neither one is not identifying as demi because they aren't demi, they don't identify as demi because they don't know the identity exists. Yet both are still demi characters.

How much does a character have to emphasize that they've only ever been attracted to one person/very few people, with the author validating that reading, before they are acceptable demi rep?

Another point is Princeless: Raven the Pirate Princess. That one has at least one demi character and maybe two acearo characters but they don't use labels. I love them all, but I feel uncertain about talking about Cid as an aroace character because she hasn't been talked about in that way the way Jayla has been. And I love Quinn and I cried when I read that the (pirate) ship has characters who identify as demisexual in a creator letter, but again, no one is using a-spec labels. It's frustrating. But it doesn't invalidate the rep.

3) I think the level of knowledge characters have on queerness should be an in-character discussion. Like, I've written characters as demi without the character using the label; I've written characters discovering a label; I have one fic where there's little possibility of the character having knowledge of the identity (because it's possible the label hasn't been coined yet). I try to stay in character about whether the character would know or have use for label and keep in mind the timeframe. There's a demi pairing I can't really write because neither characters exist in 2006 and beyond. Someone once complained that a book published in 2003 didn't describe the character as demi when the label hadn't yet been created while asexual worked as an umbrella term which included demis, so it still makes sense that the character would identify as asexual.

I don't think it's wrong to have a character be very knowledgeable about queer things if that's what you want to write, whether or not that's in character or realistic within the timeframe. Fanfic is about self indulgeance after all.

Some of that relates to what I'm in the mood to write. My magnum opus is 'this character is demi in all 78 eps of the show, but he'll only figure it out towards the beginning of the last season, just because I want that' and then I have another that's 'screw it, he has a better idea about his queerness but realizes the full picture in s4'.

I do try to be period accurate and think about whether or not the character would have access to the term. But sometimes I just want to have my faves identifying the way I want them to.

4) These are some very random, semi connected thoughts and I'm not even quite sure what the point was. I just feel like writing more about these things.

I am interested in discussing these issues. How much coding does a character need to be accepted as proper rep if the label isn't used? Can rep be valid if a random person reading it doesn't realize that there is that specific coding? If the book has queer readers, is there more leeway (sp) to not using the label, assuming that people reading a book with bi and trans characters or an f/f might also pick up the demi/ace/aro coding? If the author unknowingly wrote a demi character, does it still count if they accept that reading of the character and keep writing them as demi?

Anyway that was a lot of randomness.

[sunalsolove]

[Fic] Out of This World [1/1]

Title: Out of This World

Author: @sunalsolove

Summary: Faith and Tara are on the road in New Mexico, where there’s plenty of sun, sand, green chile, and maybe even something unexpected. 

Pairing: Faith/Tara

Rating: PG-13

Warnings: Adult language and mild sexual content. 

A/N: Beta’d by @robotgort . Written for @captain-forehead for the @buffyfemslash secret santa exchange 2017 from the prompt: Roadtrip. Happy New Year! 

Under read more for length (~2.1 K) 

****

Faith was not impressed. New Mexico was brown and dusty and there was next to nothing to do. Unless you were a jackrabbit or someone looking to hide, this was not the place to be.

The desert scrub stretched into the distance on either side of I-40, even the dawn creeping over the horizon couldn’t do much to soften the landscape. It was empty and hard…Faith cursed. Maybe she didn’t like it so much because it was too much like the landscape inside her. At least the ocean, palm trees, and crowded sidewalks of Los Angeles were a distraction.

She glanced over at the reason she’d agreed to take this trip in the first place. Tara, blonde hair loose around her shoulders, sat in the passenger seat of the Faith’s vintage 1980s red Firebird. She yawned, and Faith found herself doing the same. It was stupidly early in the morning. They’d stayed at some flea-bitten hotel the night before, which disappointingly had only had a room with two beds and even more disappointingly had a roach in the bathtub. Faith had spent a half hour catching the damn thing and carrying it outside because Tara wouldn’t let her squish it.

The adoring look in Tara’s eyes had made the whole shebang worth it.  

Faith and Tara had been…well, fuck if Faith knew what they were doing. They were sort of friends, but maybe more, or maybe not. Tara had been slow to rejoin the land of the living after Willow had died. Tara had nearly lost her own life to a bullet and losing someone she loved on top of that, it’d made her withdraw. Faith had barely noticed her during that whirlwind year fighting the First in Sunnydale, but afterward, when the dust had slowly settled and everyone had ended up in Los Angeles, Tara had become harder and harder to ignore.

She was the opposite of Faith: soft, shy, warm. Tara really listened and could be quietly supportive with no judgment. At some point, Faith had found herself hanging out more with Tara then with any of the new Slayers, Buffy, or what remained of Angel and his team. Tara was something Faith had never had before, a safe place to land.

One day, wanting to be around had changed to wanting to know what Tara’s lips tasted like or if her skin was as soft as it looked. Faith was almost sure Tara was attracted to her, but she didn’t know how to ask. Tara wasn’t some random person Faith was going to pick up for a one-night stand, and she didn’t have any experience going the long haul with someone, but Tara made her want to try. Faith just didn’t know how to tell her that. Now she wasn’t sure where she stood with Tara, so when Giles had asked them to head to New Mexico to check out a rash of reports talking about mysterious lights in the desert, Faith had jumped at the chance. So far exactly zero had happened, but there was still time.

Faith wasn’t used to her courage failing her, but she’d never wanted something real like this before.

It was terrifying and exhilarating. She tightened her hands on the Firebird’s wheel. This wasn’t something she could screw up.

A billboard caught her eye.

“Hey, you want some breakfast?” Faith asked.

“Does it require me to open my eyes?”

“In, like, thirty minutes. There was an ad for someplace in Albuquerque known for their cinnamon buns.”

That got Tara’s attention. “Really?

Faith smiled. It felt good to get something right.

****

The restaurant was totally western kitsch. ‘The Frontier’ the sign on the front read and the inside was filled with paintings and decorations of the old West. It was pretty awesome, actually, but Faith was playing it cool. Tara, on the other hand, was staring round-eyed at everything and eagerly pointing out her favorites. It was making the whole thing more fun. Tara had that kind of magic, the kind that made the world seem a less tired place to be in, even for a Slayer.

Carrying the tray, Faith followed behind Tara, who chose a table next to an oversized picture of John Wayne.

“This thing’s the size of my head,” Tara said, picking up a fork and poking at the cinnamon bun.

“If that’s your head, this is my arm.” Faith was appalled at the sheer size of the breakfast burrito she’d ordered. It was going to require a knife and fork to eat, and maybe some other people to finish it up. And more green chiles. Those things were yummy. She cut herself a bite.

“Do you think we’re actually going to find anything out there?” Tara asked, her mouth full. There were drops of sticky sugar on her lips, making them glisten. Faith wanted to lean over and lick them off. Instead, she casually leaned back against her chair.

“Hell if I know. Giles must think something’s up, otherwise, he would have sent a couple of the baby Slayers, but he must not have expected the worst since he didn’t send Buffy and Spike.”

Tara giggled. “Like they would have been useful, they’d probably just be out in the desert sucking face all night.”

Faith rolled her eyes and hunched forward a little, pretending she hadn’t just been thinking about doing something similar with Tara. “Yeah. They make me ill.” She stabbed another piece of her burrito.

“Love can be nice,” Tara said.

Faith didn’t look up, just stuffed the bite into her mouth and nodded. She dumped some of her extra chile on the next piece she cut.

Tara, ever perceptive, changed the topic. “Do you really like that stuff?”

“I’m eating it, aren’t I?”

“That’s not an answer.”

Faith tapped the handle of her knife on the table. “It tastes good. You should try it.”

“You still didn’t tell me if you like it.”

Faith finally looked up at Tara, who was smiling slightly. “Fine. Have it your way. I like it. There, happy?”

The smile got a little wider. “Did it hurt to say it?”

Faith made a face. “I think I broke my arm.”

Tara reached over and patted Faith’s shoulder. “There, there. Maybe I should kiss it and make it better?”

Faith’s heart jumped sideways in her chest. The teasing tone, the happy expression, the warmth in Tara’s eyes. Faith’s knee jiggled up and down.

“I’ll ask again later,” Tara said gently. She cut another bite of cinnamon roll and slowly wrapped her lips around it.

Faith’s knee bounced faster.

****

The desert didn’t look quite as ugly as it had that morning as twilight unfurled across the vast sky. They were somewhere south and east of Albuquerque, pretty much in the exact middle of nowhere. The paved road had turned into a gravel road, which had become a dirt road, that’d led to an eventual dead end. There was sagebrush, scrub, and lots of rocks leading off to distant hills and mesas.

Faith had parked the Firebird and pulled a bunch of blankets and pillows out from the backseat and Tara had set up a kind of nest on the hood of the car. There were quilts under them for padding and a few on top, since it was spring and the nights were still chilly.  They were seated on the hood and reclined against the car’s windshield.

“This is sort of silly,” Faith said. “A couple people say they see some fast moving, low flying lights and a witch and a slayer end up staring up at the sky in an open field?”

Beside her, Faith could feel Tara shrug. “It’s been a pretty persistent rumor.”

“It’s probably just a helicopter or drug smugglers or something.”

“Or something.”

In the distance, coyotes howled in an eerie chorus.

Faith shivered.

Tara rolled on her side towards Faith. “Don’t tell me you’re scared?”

“I don’t know about being out in…in…”

“Nature?”

“Yeah.” Faith fidgeted with a loose thread on one of the blankets. A star appeared in the sky as dusk started to become night. “I know how to survive in the city. There I’m all five by five. Here…I don’t know anything about how to stay alive unless it’s something I kill because it tries to kill me first. I guess that wouldn’t be anything new.”

Tara let out a small sigh. “You don’t have to worry. I know a thing or two about being outdoors, and I think we have enough Twinkies and soda to survive for the next three months.”

Faith snorted and kept her eyes on the sky, now a deep purple with more stars making themselves visible.

“What else are you scared of, Faith?” Tara curled a strand of Faith’s dark hair around her finger and gently tugged.

Faith thought about lying. Saying something dumb like spiders or heights, but they were out here, alone, with no one else around for miles. There was no reason to run or hide. “You,” she said, her voice barely more than a whisper.

“Me?” Tara sounded completely confused. “You’re scared of me?”

Faith laughed softly. “Not that you’re going to make me into a newt.” She yanked harder on the thread, but it stayed stubbornly attached to the quilt. “I think I’m saying it wrong. I’m not frightened of you. Just…how I feel about you.”

“Oh.”

Faith bit her lip and closed her eyes when Tara didn’t say anything further. Fuck. Faith had thought that maybe Tara had been feeling the same, but it was probably a whole bunch of wishful thinking bullshit and…

Soft.

Tara’s lips were soft and her body warm and luscious. She’d rolled so she was halfway on Faith, smushing her slightly against the Firebird’s windshield. It was a nice smush. Faith wrapped her arms around Tara, holding her close.

When Tara broke the kiss and they were both panting for air, Faith looked up into Tara’s eyes, which were hard to read in the darkness.

“I like you,” Faith said, her voice husky.

“I like you too, it’s why I kissed you.”

“Oh. That makes sense.” Faith laughed. “I…I’m bi…bisexual.”

Tara blew out a breath. “And I’m a lesbian and the sky is blue. Any other really obvious things we should state?”

“I just thought I should say it, because some people—”

“I’m so not some people.”

Faith cupped Tara’s cheek. “You got that fucking right.”

Their mouths met again, hungry for each other. Faith’s hand slid down Tara’s back, found the gap between her blouse and skirt, and brushed over the bare skin there.

Tara gasped and shuddered in Faith’s arms, which made Faith bolder. She inched her fingers under Tara’s top until she found the strap of Tara’s bra. Faith slipped a finger under it and traced back and forth, delighted by how Tara wiggled and moaned.

Faith closed her hand over the bra’s fastenings when a blindingly bright white light flared to life from above.

Tara squeaked and rolled off Faith onto her back.

Hovering above the Firebird was…something. It was more than three times the size of the car, roughly triangular in shape, and had three lights which were spotlighting the car, throwing the surrounding desert into stark relief.

“Hey! Close Encounters!” Faith shouted. “No free shows!”

The…something spun lazily overhead, then darted straight up, soundlessly and incredibly fast, until it had disappeared among the stars.

“Was that…what I think it was?” Tara asked in a tiny voice.

Faith snorted. “It was probably a weather balloon.”

“I’m sure,” Tara said with a giggle. “I suppose we should go tell Giles about our weather balloon sighting? I can tell him I didn’t get any scary, negative feeling from said weather balloon.”  

Faith sat forward and put her head in her hands. “Yeah, sure.” She didn’t know if Tara was going to try and pretend what had been happening before the…something had shown up, hadn’t been happening. It might have been more of a fluke than the lights.

Tara rubbed Faith’s back. “No pouting. We can stop and get one of the green chile cheeseburgers you like so much, and I bet we can find a motel that only has one room with a single bed left to rent.”

“Okay,” Faith said. “That doesn’t sound so bad.” She leaped off the hood of the car and paused. “Are you going to bitch the whole time that I taste like green chiles?” Inside her heart was beating a million times a minute. That didn’t sound like Tara was going to pretend to forget at all.

Tara blushed. “Maybe I don’t mind them so much after all.” She gathered up the blankets and pillows. “And maybe we’re going to need a nice, long trip here to explore all kinds of interesting…phenomenon.”

“I like the sound of that.”

Tara caught Faith’s eye. “Me too.”

Overhead, a shooting star streaked across the heavens.

[velarisstars]

It Never Seems To Be Enough

Summary: Dan gets hate comments and gets bullied by his subscribers on the internet for not posting the video he said he would, and when he breaks down from it, Phil is there to help him back up. 

Or, the fic that’s not actually a fic because it really happened, because half the people in the phandom are assholes who have no regard for Dan’s feelings because they all think it’s about them. 

A/N: I’m not bitter :) This behavior is not okay. Dan does not deserve to be treated the way he was today. No one likes a bully. Unless you have something nice to say to him, than don’t say it at all. 

Warnings: None, unless assholes trigger you. Which, by the way, the tweets featured in this fic are actual tweets I saw in Dan’s replies on his video post.

Word Count: 2,026

Read on ao3!

Dan made a mistake by telling thousands of people on YouNow about his next video. Truthfully, he had planned on the next danisnotonfire video being one that meant something to him, but when he tried to film it, things just weren’t working out.

He had been stressed for weeks, constantly worrying about the content he was going to put out on his personal channel, but each time he thought of making a video to post publicly, he felt sick.

Dan treated his own channel like an egg. It always had to be perfect, with no cracks anywhere, and the outside had to have a polished glow to it. He never knew who was going to stumble across his channel, and he couldn’t have it looking like a shitstorm in case someone important saw it. But it was that exact thought that drove him mad.

All in all, Dan was tired. He ate himself alive when it came to video ideas. He was tired of living in fear of what people might say to him when he posted a video.

What if they don’t like it?

What if they send me hate?

What if everyone unsubscribed?

What if it’s not good enough?

He wished he was more like Phil. Phil, who posted what he wanted, when he wanted, and didn’t really care about what everyone thought about his content. If he liked it, he would post it. He had fun with his videos, and uploaded hell of a lot more regularly than Dan ever had. Phil would post a few videos a month, whereas Dan would post maybe once a month.

And it was never enough.

Everything he did, whether it be tweet or doing a live YouNow, at least a few hundred would ask, “When’s the next dinof video?”

Dan would always reply, “Soon,” because that’s what he aims for, but never achieves.

So after his live show at the beginning of March, when he gave hints at what his next video was going to be, he found his favorite patch of carpet and laid there for a while.

“I haven’t seen you there in a long time,” Phil commented when he came out of the lounge and saw Dan’s lanky body stretched out across the carpet. “Everything okay?”

“I don’t know,” Dan answered honestly. “I feel like it is, but my head is screaming otherwise.”

Phil sat down on the floor next to Dan, leaning back against the wall. “What happened?”

“I made a mistake on YouNow. I told them a hint about my next video, and as usual, everyone is blowing it out of proportion. I’ve already seen some tweets, Phil.” It wasn’t many, but it was enough. “They all think I’m coming out as gay or bi or something. That’s not even what the video is about.”

“Is it the one you told me about last week?”

“Yeah. I thought I was ready to film it and put it out there, but now . . . I don’t think I am.”

“That’s okay,” Phil said reassuringly. “You don’t have to make it your next video. It’s your channel. Do what you want.”

Dan huffed. “I can’t just change the video, Phil. I already told them. I’m sure gifs and video clips are spreading like wildfire. I’ve started something I can’t stop. Unless it’s said video.”

“Dan, it doesn’t matter what you said. We all say things. There’s been multiple times I said things and never followed through, and yeah, people get upset, but they also get over it.”

“I know, it’s just . . . I want to skip the stuff in between and get to the part where everyone gets over it.”

“If only things were that easy,” Phil said. “Why don’t we go do something that doesn’t involve being sad in the hallway? Think about what you’re going to do later.”

Dan nodded, pushing himself off the ground and heading to the lounge with Phil. It would all work out. He would figure out what to do.

One week later

By the following Tuesday, Dan knew what he was going to do. His head hadn’t been in the game recently, and though he was physically healthy, he couldn’t say the same for his mental state. He had been up for the past few nights, thinking about nothing that even really mattered. He had laid on the carpet more times than he had been in the past year, and though he was still eating, it was never much.

Phil was worried about him. By the fourth night of Dan’s behavior, he sat him down in the lounge and gave him a way out. Tell the people he had to postpone the video, but would post another one soon.

“But what’s the excuse?” Dan asked, biting his nail nervously.

“You can tell them the truth, or you can make something up,” Phil replied.

The truth. The truth was that he had been having a hard time recently, and he wasn’t in the right mental state to make the video just yet.

So that’s exactly what he told everyone. And if that weren’t enough, he told everyone the same thing a week later on his following YouNow.

Two weeks later

Dan made a video, and it wasn’t the one he said it was going to be three weeks ago. But that’s okay. He told a few thousand people that it wasn’t going to be the “important” one he had originally planned for, and no one had seemed to lash out at him.

It was an original - Internet Support Group. They weren’t his favorite videos to make, especially after doing just about eighty something of them last year for their world tour, but it was easy, his, and quick to put together. Well, as quick as a video can be made.

So at ten o’clock at night, Dan made the video public and posted it across all platforms. It didn’t take long for people to send him tweets, although it never usually did.

Dan sat in his room, alone, with only his fairy lights on, and rested with his laptop on his legs, and scrolled through his replies.

Disappointing

Are you kidding me?

I THOUGHT THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE IMPORTANT VIDEO???

Wow, this was anticlimactic.

They were all the same. Comment after comment was nothing but hate for his video. He thought people liked internet support group? He got enough emails for it! Or was that just because those people wanted to be noticed?  He didn’t realize this many people hated it. If he knew, he would have never done another one. But he can’t just go and delete it now. Too many people have seen it. They’ll know.

There was a knock on the door, and Dan jumped, shoving his laptop to the side and wiping his cheeks he didn’t know were wet.

“Dan?” Phil asked softly, pushing open the door and poking his head around.

“Hey,” Dan said, clearing his throat and trying to sound as normal as he could. “What’s up?” He tried not to think about the comments that could be filtering through right now. How many more people were disappointed in him?

“I saw,” Phil said, shutting the door behind him.

“Saw what?”

“The comments. Your replies. You’re not a disappointment, Dan.”

Dan could feel his throat getting smaller and smaller, until he finally let the tears and sob escape him. “I am. I let everyone down. They hate me and the video. I should have sucked it up and just filmed the one I told them I was going to.”

Phil crossed the space between them in no time, and pulled Dan into a tight hug. The younger broke down and sobbed into his shoulder, and though this didn’t happen too often, Phil knew Dan needed it. He had been stressed to the max for the past few weeks and he hadn’t broken down yet. He knew this was coming, it was only a matter of time. “They don’t hate you, Dan.”

“But they’re mad at me,” he sobbed.

“So? People get mad at me, too. You can’t please everyone. Even if you did post the other video, you know there would be people out there who didn’t like it.”

“But at least it wouldn’t be the majority.”

Phil knew Dan struggled with his thoughts about his own channel. He had been like that since he made his first video all the way back in 2009. That was one of the things that Dan never changed about himself. He changed just about everything, but this was one thing he couldn’t get passed.

“I never even said it was a big video!” Dan continued. “All I said was that it was important to me, but of course no one can let me have it. Instead they pressure me day after day into making it, and that only makes me not want to do it anymore.”

“I know,” Phil murmured. “It’ll be okay, Dan. They’ll all get over it.”

“I’m sick of being bullied, Phil. All I do is give and it never seems to be enough. We give them nearly two gaming videos a week. You give them a few AmazingPhil videos a month. I know I could do better, but it’s hard for me.”

“It’s okay. You don’t owe them anything. Not if they’re going to treat you like this.” Phil had his fair share of hate comments back in the day, and he would be lying if he said he didn’t still get them, but he always let the good outweigh the hate. Dan was completely opposite. Phil hated to see Dan break down like this because people weren’t satisfied. He didn’t even have to give them a video, but he did. “Why don’t you go to bed, yeah? Be done with Twitter for the night.”

Dan nodded into Phil’s shirt, backing away and wiping his nose on his arm. “‘M’sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it. You change and I’ll get you a glass of water, okay?”

“Okay,” Dan agreed, stripping off his shirt and pants when Phil left. He put on a pair of flannel pants, and left his shirt off, climbing under the covers. His laptop still sat turned on, and the illuminated screen taunted him. He wanted to reach over and pull it to him, but Phil came back before he could.

Phil set the water on his nightstand and reach over Dan for his computer, shutting it down and closing the lid. “A good night’s sleep will make this better. We’ll go out and do something tomorrow, okay?”

Dan hummed in agreement, watching Phil take his laptop with him. He had no idea where his phone was, and he figured that was probably a good thing. If it were near, he might be tempted to open Twitter and see what else people had to say.

Dan closed his eyes, hoping that sleep would fix everything. He was used to getting hate, but he could barely stand it when he got hate for things that weren’t even true. He never hyped the video up to being big and important. He mentioned it once, twice when he told people he was going to make a different one instead.

But over the last few years, Dan had learned that nothing ever seems to be enough for his subscribers. No, he couldn’t please everyone, but that’s not what he was here to do. He was still a human being with thoughts and feelings, and it was easier to hide all those things on the internet. But he was glad he didn’t have to hide those things from Phil. Phil always got him through it. And it was one of the very many reasons why Dan didn’t think he could ever live away from Phil. The universe may not implode if they moved further apart, but Dan’s just might. And he was not willing to take that chance.

So with a final, heavy breath, Dan closed his eyes and went to sleep, thinking that maybe, just maybe, he would never make the video that was “important” to him. Because no one even deserved it.

[voluntarydemise]

The 100 S3 Hiatus Diary

Once again, let me present to you a chronicle of our fandom’s most glorious hiatus moments. In truest hyperbole fashion we did not scale back after last year’s already impressive BS recordings. Here’s all the drama we managed to fit into the 257 days between the Season 3 finale on May 19, 2016 and the Season 4 premiere on February 1, 2017:

FYI: Entries are mostly focused on the Twitter fandom unless otherwise noted. Also beware, this diary deliberately generalises from the loud few to the many. 

Day 2: Emma Caulfield of EW writes a *love letter* bashing Bellamy into a verb and adjective. Half of the fandom cackles, other half is ready to “bellamy” her. 

Day 3: Ongoing belittling of Jasper’s PTSD in tandem with outrage from same people that show didn’t depict enough PTSD victims.

Day 6: #GiveBellamyBlakeABoyfriend circulates and is amusingly shared by lovers and haters.

Day 7: Kass Morgan is confronted with fandom members defacing and even burning her books. Because we are classy.

Day 10: Tumblr heats up when Johnny Depp beating Amber Heard gets compared to how Bellamy treats Clarke. Because bisexuality. Oh yes.

Day 11: Devon zings Harry Styles - and popstars in general - for trying to act. Somewhere Shawn Mendes cries a tear. 

Day 12: The Fandom-is-Broken article hits. Outrage everywhere, while our fandom is like “yup, sounds about right”. 

Day 15: Bob at Phoenix con says Bellamy wouldn’t have sided with Pike had Clarke returned earlier. Somehow he gets hate for that. Still unclear why. Most likely for no reason at all. 

Day 16: More Phoenix con: Bob utters word “YET”, causes avalanche. Emma Caulfield tweets her and Bob’s are besties now. Fandom responds in typical forgiving ways. 

Day 18: Tumblr has Brollexa gaining traction among BCers, the polyamorous turn it into Clexamy. Not appreciated by the CL fandom. Devon tweet-deletes, shits on cast members for making money off cons instead of donating to charity.

Day 21: Eliza and Bob get nominated for Teenchoice TV Chemistry. Disgust in CL fandom as entertaining as surprise in BC fandom. 

Day 23: Fan at Oz Comic Con asks Eliza about Chemistry nomination and gets booed. Bob speaks slloooowwwhhhuuurr to the iddiiiooootttss on twitter. Most likely entirely unrelated. 

Day 24: Eliza gets called fake/lost/drunk by BC fandom for voicing opinions about Bellarke. Beware of having opinions about ships.

Day 25: Bob replies to hate tweet. Backfires into him getting criticised for passive aggressively focusing on negativity only. 

Day 26: First hiatus hack! Eliza’s instagram. Leads to Alycia unfollowing her. Fandom entertained for a while. Plus the gem of someone comparing Lexa’s death to the Orlando shooting.

Day 28: Alycia cancels Brazil con. In a roundabout way it’s Bob’s fault.

Day 31: On the shipping front Bob  & Shampoo compete against Lexa & Bullet. Because why not. 

Day 33: Somehow BC fandom hits jackpot by criticising both Adina and Mike on same day. For not being pro-BC enough. Adina! Mike! 

Day 35: Layne Morgan attacks Ben Batemen for elevating himself to lgbt+ spokesperson. Fanbase first stunned, then divided. 

Day 37: Second hiatus hack! Layne’s phone. Apparently private numbers get leaked, some idiots message Jason’s wife.

Day 41: Third hiatus hack! (@)emiliascara hacks into Marcus Catsaras’ (Alycia’s boyfriend) icloud, finds footage of him cheating. Catsaras deletes his twitter/fb accounts. Because hell has no fury like a riled-up CL fandom.

Day 42: Lindsey jumps in to fight hackers, (@)morleydebnam jokes about hacking Lindsey.

Day 44: Hacker exposed as guy from Toronto (Michael Brand/Bahramian). 

Day 46: CL fandom overruns and impressively wins 9 of 11 E!Online polls. Still peeved over other fandoms bonding and voting against them. 

Day 48: Jarod speaks up after Alton Sterling shooting. Ends with him getting attacked over *representation* issues. 

Day 52: Eliza vs Alycia in Radiotimes quarter finals. Which fosters minor drama.

Day 56: Layne officially disinvited from clexacon. 

Day 57: Some panelists boycott clexacon after Layne’s exit. Meanwhile the gullible have a clickbait-freakout over O killing Bellamy. 

Day 58: Ben Bateman steps back from clexacon allies panel. (@)riserellamy makes it their mission to get all Arryn-haters blocked by Bob. 

Day 59: Eliza talks freely and excessively about Lexa and Clexa at Brazil Con. BC fandom really wishes she wouldn’t. 

Day 60: From the fanfic policing front: Author gets such harsh attacks for writing Lexamy they pull the fic. 

Day 61: S3 DVD is out! Deleted scenes reheat old rage. While Ricky retweets shade about him not being in the bloopers.

Day 62: #OlicityMafiaExposedClexaParty happens. CL fandom first fandom ever to cheat in a poll. 

Day 64: She said “ship”.

Day 65: Whole fandom aflame over the shit/ship debacle. Shit memes everywhere. Aaron doesn’t give a SHIT. Eliza probably avoids her mentions. Tumblr births Bellarke Drags. The best of days.

Day 66: clexasources promotes WB survey asking people to criticise show. Eliza shall be saved by cancellation. 

Day 67: ELSchaaf claims Eliza speaks condescendingly of Bellarke because she’s threatened by Bob’s popularity. Fandom appalled. In conjunction CLs figure out ELSchaaf is involved with Unity Days. 

Day 68: ELSchaaf on tumblr rampage, invites haters to call her names at con in person. Unity Days reacts swiftly and removes ELSchaaf. 

Day 70: Bellarke Shit necklace sparks controversy. 

Day 73: Wizard Con: Marie says Clarke has *nappy* hair which Eliza laughs at. Racism outrage in some fandom corners. 

Day 75: Jason’s SDCC talk about bi-Clarke getting “with everyone” resurfaces. Not the most well received. clexasources deactivates after Bob+Eliza photo post leads to attacks by followers.  

Day 78: Supposed insider troll Jason Blue stirs up rumour drama of Octavia dying. 

Day 82: Bellarke fanart repurposed as Braven fanart. Bob-birthday charity criticised for being organised by a BC shipper. 

Day 84: Pedowitz stands behind show at TCAs, does neither criticise nor cancel it on the spot, as some had hoped. 

Day 103: Fanfic policing, part 2: Bellamy goes down on Clarke in the commander’s throne. People - ignorant of the concept of *fanfiction* - are mad. 

Day 106: Eliza posts candid pic with guy-boy-friend. Apparently this makes her a lesser lgbt+ ally. 

Day 111: Fanfic’s blowjobgate! Briller&Harper fic on kinkmemes ignites long and nasty Bellarke fanfic community wars. Who gets to and with whom and with how many is not the author’s choice alone. 

Day 125: Tumblr aflame over Bellamy hating Aurora Blake, with usual shades of misogyny and racism. 

Day 130: HYPE article about ADC at Copenhagen Con calls out fans for slightly inappropriate fan behavior. More inappropriate fan behavior in reaction leads to article edits. 

Day 132: Kim retweets Fa Panini’s cute Becho fanart. BC fandom takes that as confirmation of things to come. Mild panic. 

Day 135: A clearly mangled and misrepresented SDCC comment about Clarke and love interest in S4 causes freakout. Because fandom will forever step into all clickbait traps willingly. 

Day 144: The usual bi-monthly kerfuffle about Clarke being forgotten as bi-rep in article. 

Day 145: Layne Morgan sick of TV bi girls ending up with men. Not that stats have discredited this stereotype at all. 

Day 155: Supposed insider troll Jason Blue claims insider cancellation knowledge. Insider arguments quickly debunked. 

Day 159: Photoshopped Variety tweet circulates, claiming show cancellation. Mo Ryan refutes it. 

Day 165: Lindsey stumbles into sexypilgrim drama. Apologises later for wishing people would get involved in causes beyond online outrage. 

Day 166: Press day! Drama day! Fandom-uneducated Nadia voices “Luna is stronger than Lexa”. She may forever feel the consequences. 

Day 167: Nadia tweets “Fiction”, deletes account. #NadiaDeactivatedParty follows. Eliza and later Arryn claim account is fake. Fandom thinks Eliza would rather lie than defend Nadia and her anti-Lexa statement. 

Day 170: Meanwhile in the fanfic warzone: “Bellamy rapes Lexa” gets countered with “Lexa castrates Bellamy”. 

Day 190: Bob reaches annual patience-for-twitter threshold, carries out annual twitter deactivation. States he was made to join. Fandom: lol, ok, see you in a bit. 

Day 199: Bellarke and Clexa both in same Hottest-Ships-of-the-Year list. But fandom can’t share nice things. 

Day 201: Guess who’s back on twitter, guys?

Day 216: BC-shipping jewellery artist called out for making money off Clexa art. Not allowed in the age of receipts. 

Day 219: In spirit of Christmas, Aaron issues Lexa apology. Fandom - less spirited - counters it’s 9 months too late, and never enough. 

Day 221: Katie affirms in slightly too bitter way that show is more than just Clexa. Bad move, girl.

Day 222: (@)bellamysbriller - whom Katie retweeted the day before - is exposed for catfishing and bullying. 

Day 228: More jewellery controversies, as jewellery donations to charities can only come from people who’ve never made controversial statements. 

Day 233: clexaspoilers surfaces, claims access to screeners, reveals Clexa parts. Fandom calls it baiting to make them watch, even though account claims now they DON’T have to watch. 

Day 238: BC fandom gets high on SHE HAS BELLAMY, and actually manages to trend for once. Stunning friends and foes alike.

Day 241: Unity Days report of Lindsey supposedly saying Bellarke is boring. Lindsey gets attacked and goes on twitter detox. BC fandom to blame.

Day 243: Fourth hiatus hack! Ricky’s phone. Beware of Ricky nudes. 

Day 245: Alycia’s management removes The 100 from “known for” section on IMDB. BCers shocked, CLs shrug. 

Day 248: BCers think 600 cookies might be helpful for show renewal. Laughs and eyerolls all around.

Day 249: S4 poster arrives. Cast, writers and fans partake in a who’s-who guessing game with silhouettes. Body shaming leads to #titsoutforeliza, someone leaks S4 callsheets and Funko whitewashes Raven and Bellamy. A busy day.

Day 252: CLs set up White House petition to get Jason fired. A single signature last we checked. 

Day 257: Final hiatus day: (@)the100leaked pops up to generously leak part of the Season 4 finale script and cause mass hysteria. Tadaaaaa! 

And that’s it! See you all next hiatus! Just kidding. I accept more entries, if you can link me to the evidence.

[mild-lunacy]

stranger in a fannish land 2: the unpopular opinions

So there's a meme where people are weighing in on what they'd change about The Raven Cycle and it's like.... Many people in fandom really have no sense of what's 'good for the story', or the difference between your personal satisfaction or reaction and 'a good idea' for the plot. Like, I realize that some things are sad, or unfortunate to have happen. But like, just because it's unfortunate (for ex, a character-- say, Noah-- doesn't get a happy ending) doesn't mean it's better not done in fiction. Alternatively, just because you can imagine it, doesn't mean it's even remotely a good idea for the fictional situation and/or characters as they stand. I mean... anything *can* happen, but not everything *should* happen, given you're trying to justify it as a Good Idea in the first place.

Sure, Ronan could've been together with Gansey, or even Kavinsky before Adam. Why not? He also could've been kidnapped by a pedophile as a child, or he could've been hit by lightning and got grey hair, or he could've been born on Maui and never met Gansey. He simply could've died as a baby, etc etc. If you're actually talking about desirable outcomes or things helpful to the relationships between Gansey, Adam, Ronan and Blue, you have to limit these potentialities and look at what *ought* to happen to preserve their dynamic, though. So yeah, Ronan/Kavinsky would be especially destructive to every major relationship in the books, and any hope for growth Ronan has, and in that sense it's equivalent to Ronan being born in Hawaii or dying as a baby. But Ronan/Gansey is just differently destructive to the group dynamic as we know it, with the characters as we know them. It would mean Ronan isn't so romantic and innocent, either, so his whole characterization changes, or it means they're not simply best friends. I mean, you can't 'just' casually have a crush on your closest friend if you're a romantic. If you do, it's usually not something one quickly or easily gets over to move easily onto the next friend, whether that's Blue or Adam. Further, Gansey's power over Ronan would start being really questionable all of a sudden, to the point where you'd have to wonder if Kavinsky was right. Jealousy and weird unrequited feelings would probably threaten the boys' connection with Blue, and this would probably change both Gansey's and Ronan's relationship with Blue. Regardless, an actual canon attraction or relationship between Ronan and Gansey, or between Henry, Blue and Gansey, is not just a fun, sexy little detail you can easily insert at any time. Every choice has consequences like ripples in a pond. That's how life works, but more importantly, it's how fiction works. This is the very thing that fans seem particularly oblivious of.

In general, my point is that just because you have a preference for X thing, or you react in a negative way to Y plot point, it doesn't mean that said X is good and Y is bad. I dunno, I feel like I'm stating the obvious. These aren't super-deep thoughts, are they? I mean, it's actually really blatant that say, Noah had a great arc and/or served his purpose wonderfully in the books, and yet maybe 5 people out of 100 seem aware of this in Raven Cycle fandom. Almost every post complaining about TRK states Noah's resolution sucked 'cause he 'deserved better'. I'd understand if 6 year-olds said that sort of thing, because it takes a while to understand dead people don't get better, but otherwise, I don't see how ghosts deserve happiness. Like, they're already dead, basically. Noah started out dead, and this had a major purpose in that plot. And dead is dead, man. That's kinda the *point* of being dead. It's both permanent and unhappy. As far as being dwelled on afterwards, none of the events of the climax got dwelled on afterwards. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Anyway, so the number one thing that drives me batty in fandom is people ignoring the entire idea of characterization or plot requirements in the story and assuming any old thing or headcanon that they wanted could actually somehow work. I dunno if these fans even think in terms of things 'working', though maybe I should be more optimistic. Like, for example, even agreeing it'd be great if Gansey also kissed/liked boys and was bisexual... why would he *randomly* kiss his friends? Who in the world does that outside pure romantic/sexual fantasies? Why not at least ask the question of 'why Gansey' first? Or why not demand Adam kiss random boys, 'cause at least he's confirmed to be bisexual in canon? Is there any other point except that everyone needs to be queer at all times? Even individual fanfics would usually at least try to make sense, rather than randomly putting in an assortment of happy headcanons. (Granted, I've seen fics that claim to incorporate an assortment of headcanons, but this isn't typical.) Who really wants books to be a collection of politically correct boxes checked, double checked and triple checked? Honestly.

What really drives me nuts is not really the fact that people want these counterproductive things to be canon, because surely the heart wants what it wants. It's the misunderstanding of the way fiction works, and consequently that these posts blame the writer(s) for their so-called failure in delivering what makes no sense in the first place. Like, some critiques are valid, obviously, even though I don't think the characterization of either Ronan or Adam (as it stands) easily transfers onto a POC character. Their background would need to change to some degree (particularly Ronan's, being Irish as a matter of characterization), so essentially it'd be a different character (though Blue is different). Anyway, so one can certainly critique that, as well as the pros and cons of labelling Adam bisexual more explicitly and so on. But stuff like randomly bi Gansey or happy Noah are just headcanons and pure wish-fulfillment. And my issue is that fandom doesn't draw any kind of serious line between these two kinds of 'critiques', in part because they often use the same lingo. It's literally like no one is aware that say, polyamory isn't really even in the same box as racial and sexual diversity representation, so Stiefvater had no responsibility to include Sarchengsey. Just because you care about that headcanon and/or real life issue doesn't make it a *social justice* responsibility that needs addressing in the media. I would think that's obvious, but it definitely isn't.

I think the underlying problem in my relating to fandom these days is that I don't... 'read' characters any particular way. Like, I may have interpretations about what happened and guesses as to what will happen, as well as hopes, but I don't just *decide* things. I never personally decide to read a character as gay, trans, ace, or a POC (let alone polyamorous), unless they're stated or super-heavily implied as being intended as any or all of the above. That is not a thing that happens to me. Of course, 'implied' kinda means that canon can get fuzzy to me, which is certainly true. Usually I'm just aware 'this is fuzzy'; maybe it's that even if I do go further, I don't fill in blanks with personal experience on any conscious level that I've ever noticed. It's not that I'm (that much of) a canon absolutist; I'm just unlikely (and indeed almost incapable of) making leaps that aren't ultimately suggested by the text. I'm also definitely irritated by many people who *do* make such leaps in a preachy, pushy, in-your-face way, like canon is irrelevant and fanon is the Only Truth needed (and if you disagree, you're the problem). If it's subtle but still intentionally textual, I'll (eventually) see it. If it's not textual... I probably won't. I don't read against the grain, basically.

It wouldn't be so bad (my mental dissonance in fandom, I mean) if not for the pushy holier-than-thou posts about the Truthiness of things which are absolutely Not Canon, which are always at the back oh my mind. So I guess I can overreact to some innocent wish-fulfillment stuff sometimes. I don't mean Truthiness like those (wanky and unfortunate) old debates about canon Johnlock or even (apparently) whether Victuuri is canon. That's actually less weird 'cause at least I can see people genuinely reading the text differently in that case, for whatever reason. Like yeah, I mean, I think denying Victuuri is canon is ridiculous and I haven't even watched Yuri on Ice. But at least those people seem to have some sort of reasoning as to *why* they think Victuuri doesn't exist, even if it's bad or homophobic reasoning. What really frustrates me the most is the growing fandom trend of people who wilfully ignore canon and the very idea of interpretive/headcanon plausibility without even acknowledging there's a deeper disagreement.

Like, we're talkin' the level of the folks who go beyond 'let's racebend Ronan Lynch' (ok, sure!), through the valley of 'you better racebend him or you're Problematic' (um, are you sure? I think I'm going to go with 'strongly disagree') and into the shadow of 'Ronan Lynch *is* black, and if you *deny* it you're Problematic'. I know it's all fun, games and headcanons, but when you're trying to get other people to replace their idea of canon with your headcanon, or trying to justify it in general, eventually it becomes all too easy to forget you'd ever even noticed that, say, Ronan is white while reading the books. And in fact, many people seem genuinely confused about that aspect of canon reality at this point, which is kind of terrifying to me. I value my ability to process the text correctly, pay attention to basic facts and, well, perceive objective reality in general. And yes, white Ronan Lynch is objective canon reality. You can certainly mess with it in fanworks (that's what fanworks are for!), but it remains canon, and no headcanon is morally superior enough to canon to *have* to be the preferable choice, let alone actually *replacing* it. In fact, the very idea that the more morally superior thing is somehow more 'correct' on a literal level is... Problematic. At least, to me. Not least because I think that although we do definitely need more representation, fellow fans cannot have a responsibility to invent it where it doesn't exist. Ability is not *responsibility*.

Basically, while transformative readings and headcanons are a great outlet and a fundamental part of fandom, it's not the *responsibility* of other character fans or fellow shippers to follow them or even support them. To me, that's really basic stuff that's long made fandom function on a fundamental level (on par with 'ship what you like'), and the fact that it often seems the majority of Tumblr fandom disagrees is making participation near-intolerable, at least in The Raven Cycle (the most extreme examples of this type of wank are concentrated in book fandoms, it seems, 'cause I think actors are more 'real' to people visually). It should just always be unnecessary to even say that if you don't want to slash, or racebend, or even ship outside of the canon sandbox (or you want to sometimes but not others), there's *nothing* wrong with that, as long as you accept that others won't have the same preferences. I really can't believe I feel I even have to say so, but I know I do. There's nothing wrong with preferring or enjoying canon as is. That's the basic level of the meaning of being fannish, surely. You like the thing you like! Liking it the way it is in canon cannot be considered the *inferior* way of liking it. So yeah, the mental dissonance can get very, *very* intense for me.

Essentially, good characters (especially ones I care about at all) and their core emotional responses and frameworks are real to me: Ronan is an individual. He's white, he's Irish-American, he's a Southern boy, he's got blue eyes. He's also angry, depressed, idealistic, loyal. Sherlock is an individual. He's also a white male, he's a Londoner, he's got dark curly hair, a low voice and many chins. And he's analytical, sensitive but interpersonally oblivious in some ways, obsessed with John, jealous of Mycroft, etc. You *can* certainly change most of this in a fic, but this doesn't mean you *should*, certainly without acknowledging the broad-ranging consequences. In a good and IC fanfic, you would have to acknowledge that those core traits are still the basic starting points, part of the definition of the character. Basically, as anyone who knows me will know, I've got an unholy obsession with ICness, even/especially in the context of fanon pairings, settings or situations like AUs. The characters and their core motivations are simply not fungible or interchangeable to me. This isn't really a failure of imagination ('why can't you just imagine whatever?' you say), but rather about seeing an imaginary person *so* vividly in my mind they they become effectively real.

In a way, this sounds similar enough to what people say happens with various projections and headcanons, but the process actually seems rather different, 'cause I pay attention to the text and not just my reactions to it. I love to imagine, to build upon the possibilities of the canon world, of course. I just... have to have a foundation. I can't imagine being *any* kind of fan without paying close attention outside of myself and caring about what I find there, in the text. Fanon and canon have to be separated for *either* to have true meaning.

In any case, in a broader sense, I do think I understand what happens to the people who get hung up on their headcanons and start insisting on them. My imagination is always something that starts out broad and open and ends up cast in stone, once I feel I've figured out what the relevant 'truth' is, in context. I can certainly settle on an interpretation and get pretty hardline about it, which happened to a large extent with my ideas about canon Johnlock (though I was always aware what's opinion and what's fact, I became very certain about my reading and I definitely got pretty easily frustrated by people who ignored the 'obvious'). That's why I separated a close reading or interpretation like canon Johnlock and even Victuuri from something like racebending Ronan Lynch, though. That's not a plausible reading or interpretation; rather, it's a simple denial and substitution of canon (which, as I've said, I never do). Telling me that doing it would be morally preferable doesn't really help (to say the least), although the process of how people get to this point *is* familiar to me.

I can and *do* often enjoy AUs or graphics where there's a new context for the character (say, edits where Ronan is Korean or Mexican-Irish have been cool). Not all AUs are created equal to me, though, 'cause not all AUs or fanon scenarios work with the characters' core traits, as written. Sometimes, though, fanon ships (a form of an AU) do work on the level of potential, like the Road Not Travelled By. You can sometimes imagine the canon arc splitting off at some crucial point, so it bends but doesn't break. This can be complicated stuff, but it's how I intuitively think of it. Generally, I'd need a sense of broader changes to who they are as a result of a new life history, but that's still an agreed-upon suspension of disbelief. Consequences, in other words.

[friendlyalien]

already asked some of these but how about s through z for the fandom meme

S - I'll probably grossly misunderstand the question but here goes I always thought that Lucius and Narcissa would be a-okay with Draco being bi or gay. Don't ask me to explain why because I have no clue but I had this idea stuck in my brain for as long as I can remember.

Oh, and something about the way Christophe acts makes me believe he is hella insecure. Actually, I have planned out a 50ish chapter story about it, but I refuse to even touch the behemoth before I deal with my WIPs.

T - unless stated otherwise, everyone is bi. Yes, I am a multishipper, why do you ask?

U - I don't have 5 fandoms fucking hell! The last one is a character I find severly underrated.

Pokemon - James, itsyaboi Guzma, Paul, Barry and Nando (fun fact: Nando has only one (1) entry on Rule34 and it's not even sexual. Don't ask questions.)

Yuri on Ice - Yuri, Emil (!!!), Chris, Phichit, Georgi (the boy is underrated). Yea I know it says five but JJ.

Harry Potter - Draco (duh), Remus (duh!), book!Ginny, Neville, and not really underrated but Snape

Beastars (haven't finished reading yet) - Legosi, Louis (bastard twink grew on me), I can't think of her name but the hen that lays eggs for the sandwiches Legosi eats on Wednesday-then-Friday, that badass panda whose name I won't even attempt writing down, and the cheetah girl (names are hard okay?)

V - Pokemon - you want me to pick one, huh? Rocketshipping.

Yuri on Ice - fuck the canon, Michemil.

Harry Potter - I believe you can parse the answer yourself at this point

W - Drarry - hatefuck. It was my first rival ship for a reason.

I won't disclose the name of the ship because it's RP (real people) and I feel bad for liking it - corsetry

Fucking Victuuri got me into foot stuff (Victor's feet thing is a legitimate tag on AO3)

I have seen too much praise kink in the Otayuri tag to not be into it.

X - Jean-Jacques Leroy is a precious cocky boi and shall not be slandered the way he is.

Georgi deserves therapy and a happy ending.

Isabella doesn't. Deserve. The. Bashing. She. Gets. (And yes I like to pair her fiancé with literally anyone else but she doesn't have to be a bitch. I am a sucker for supportive!ex.)

Same goes for Anya, and I don't really like her to begin with.

Emil is a baby but I think that's the general belief.

Y - to all the people that are trying to get me into Sherlock - stop. To all the people that are reblogging Star Wars fanart - the art is beautiful but won't happen.

And I used to have a shitton of Voltron fanart on my dash like 2 years ago but never got into the show. Dodged a bullet there, lemme tell you.

Z - okay, I love Yuri on Ice with all my heart. I think the characters are all interesting and they make me wanna explore them more, in different settings. This anime got me back into writing.

But hell, does it make an injustice for the girl part of the show. Like, I was making myself height and age charts of all the characters so I won't have to go on Wiki and get lost in Georgi's beautiful eyes for ten minutes every time I needed a reminder that he is older than Victor. The girl skaters (the whole two of them) have no canon height, and the only reason we know Sara's birthday is because she's Michele's twin. Like come on. I am not even that much of a femslash shipper but... would it hurt to have more than, what, three major background characters?

That rant over - man I hate that I have gotten myself into a RPF. I am not (and will never) be writing fics about them but I feel like that even the fact that I read what is out there (not) and comment and encourage is bad enough, especially when they have partners. Nobody is pretending that it's real and I haven't seen anyone slandering their spouses (I'd go fucking feral if that happened) but... yeah.

I'd love if they put out a statement about their feeling about shipping (I remember one of them joking about what their ship name with another member was, so there is a good chance they are aware) because I am conflicted as hell.

I used to be involved in the Smosh fandom like decades ago and rememeber they even used to read fics, and that was fun and kind of reassuring. You know, that they knew and didn't mind/care enough to try and say "hey, stop that". That it didn't affect their lives in negative way, because that is the last thing I'd want to be a part of, even passively.

Rant over, everyone go home.