#actually felt like shock value. and that i dont love. not even The Big One during the eclipse even though that was horrible to read

[cosmicrhetoric]

im undecided on how i feel about berserk cause on one hand some of it really hit hard and i like the main Question of god and fate etc. that the series is about but on the other hand man idk 😬. i do think the funniest possible outcome of me trying to read this is actually just playing dark souls instead

[warsamongthestars]

ONTO TBB - POST-SERIES

I am going to need to sit down, and go through all of the show, and I hope to (energy providing). Mostly to make a review, or series of reviews. Produce a few what-ifs. Someone might want the fanfic inspiration.

( I hope, I'm not going to promise because I am bad at energy, and I'm not going to promise things until I can actually deliver. So let's just say I want to do it, but we'll see if it happens or not. )

Look, I still dont' want to rain on people's parades this close after the Finale, so read at ye own risk. Lots of critical down below.

I would call the TBBshow a waste of time. But its not a waste of time, the reason being is that, I have dedicated an enormous amount of energy, to tearing this show into pieces. It soothes and enflames the rage that lies in my heart.

( Remember, I do love Star Wars, and I love the Clone Wars. And Anger and Fury are what happens when something you love, or something you cherish and care about, gets hurt very badly. And I find that the TBBshow is both the weapon and wound. But its a weapon I can turn against itself. And it is a wound I can remedy. )

Now for my bit thoughts on the finale, and bit thoughts on the show itself.

They're just big bits, because when I want to really tear into the little issues of this show, I will go molecule-by-molecule, atom-by-atom when I do.

I am going to be the fucking Saturday morning cartoon villain, with suit and cape and evil laughs, about it.

So...

One). Fifth Enhanced Clone and Omega wasn't it, remember? You remember that from the first Finale?

I remember. The show didn't.

I 'd like to think it was Emerie. It points it that. But even now, I have doubts.

Because what was the point.

They oh so twittered about Emerie, and that didn't end up much--and I'd know because the biggest TBB Fans here haven't talked jack about her. That's how good her character is.

Just listen to the silence and all those crickets.

Two). Remember how this was supposed to be the Republic becoming the Empire?

They didn't act like it, did they. You could place these scenes in the Clone Wars, and y'know, it would not only still make sense--it would be more pointed on how the Republic had always been the Empire underneath.

Because you don't get the evil of an entire instellar Empire out of nowhere. That just doesn't happen in stories that have any depth.

If it does happen, you're reading a kindergarten story then.

( ... Frankly the kindergarten story would prolly tell it better, honestly. )

THree). They killed Tech, and CX-2 meant nothing.

You can't tell me they didn't have time, because they spent 3 seasons bullshiting and then at the last minute went "Oh shit, we're supposed to have a plot! Uhhh THORW SOMETHING AT THE WALL AND WE'LL SEE WHAT STICKS"

They knew full well how much fucking time they were alloted, because TV time always allows at least 3 seasons unless you have fucked up that royally.

It is by Contract. They Knew, and they still Bullshitted.

They murdered Tech for Shock Value. Oh someone is going to say "But George Lucas didn't Like Tech--so it made sense to kill him!"

I know they're going to say it.

If they didn't want Tech, then they shouldn't have created him. If you didn't want the Apple Pie, you shouldn't have made the damn Universe. When you introduce a vital character, a main character, people are going to care about them, especially upon character development.

So when you kill that character for Shock value, and then made that value meaningless by lack of conversation and perceived impact, then all you've done is spat in the face of everyone who cared about him--who might've identified with him--or felt that they needed a fictional example of grief--or fucking hells, just WANTED TO HAVE CHARACTER IN YOUR FUCKING CHARACTERS.

Tech was the point where my fires started. He was the point, where I realized, there was no hope in this show. Can't repair the character dynamics, can't do anything of significance now.

And by their refusal to allow the characters communication and grief, they stamped Tech into the dirt by the heels of their imperial boots.

CX-2 had all this development, for fuck all. What was the point of the CXs if they weren't going to do jack with them.

Four). Spent an awful lot of time shitting on other ideas.

Every possible guest character that could appear, did appear, and it took away from the story. Worse, it took away from Authors, and Game Makers, and spat all over them with a "Haha this is OUR CANON NOW!"

Cid lost her appeal. Because it was an episodic format, and the series did not stick to an episodic format. Would've been a great minor villian, too fucking bad though.

Phee was a phenomenal character (even if I don't care for Indiana Jones / Lara Croft archetypes), and she didn't go anywhere. She stood nearby Tech, gave him a pet name, and that's it. They wasted her.

( I would say that the shippers went too hog wild--but shippers have always been hogwild. To say that they're overdoing it, means they've been underdoing it. They will go hogwild for "Nameless Twi'lek in Background". That's the beauty of the shippers. Keep shipping folks, the Empire can't take all of us out. )

They killed Scorch. Scorch, from Republic Commando, is dead now. You remember that happy go lucky guy? The one who wanted to go back for Sev?

( HE WAS MY PARTY MEMBER, GODS DAMN IT. I PLAYED THE GAME WITH HIM. )

Well. He can never go back now.

( From the bottom of my gamer heart--I felt like this was the greatest Fuck You of all time. Tech's death was already unforgivable, but this? This is as if you just executed Carth Onasi in front of me. )

( The only way they could've done worse, is if they had made a poor copycat of the deathstar as some star destroyer with a rip off of Darth Revan except he's like, the grandson of Darth Vader or something. And he like, murdered a lot of Jedi again, because they wanted to rip off the prequels... )

Why is VENTRESS EVEN THERE.

Why did we need KANAN AGAIN!?

Oh look, Rex, and... Clones... Fucking wonder what's going on there. I can't imagine that the sequel of the Clone Wars would have anything to do with Clone Wars maining Clones. Can't imagine why they might've been important for the Star Wars audience. They're just CLONES AREN'T THEY ITS NOT LIKE THE AFTER EFFECTS OF THE CLONE WARS WOULD HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH CLONES.

Completely dissed the Chip plot, for victim blaming, and all the victims paid for it. In fact, they even villianized the victims and punished them dearly. Through execution, or dismemberment.

And they just straight up murdered every villian they could get away with, for... no reason. It wasn't satisfying. It was bullshit.

The sheer audacity to fuck Echo up. He was our Audience Surrogate, on par with Ahsoka, and THIS IS WHAT THEY DID TO HIM? Made him a bit player in his own show?

Only gave Fives, one of the most important people of Echo's life, a mere throwaway mention.

Not gonna get into what they did to me boys the Bad Batch, because we'd be here all day. And I've got other things to do.

And finally, because this made me rage so fucking hard.

FIVES) The Spoken Message "Now we can be who we want to be!"

...

ARE YOU FUCKING FOR REAL. WHAT IS THIS SHOW'S MAJOR MALFUNCTION.

The Entire Point of the Bad Batch, was that they were already being who they wanted to be or who they were, since their introduction in Clone Wars. They were Unique Nonstandard Clone with Unique Abilities and excellent character (In the Clone Wars)

And suddenly the show wants to say "Oh by they weren't really being themselves--"

They didn't set that the fuck up. The TBBShow, spent the last 3 years fucking around in the ether. They had plenty of time, and they squandered it, and then they rushed jobbed like kids on final group project day.

If the "Good Soldiers Follow Orders" was the set up, then that is akin to saying "Oh don't worry about being drugged into doing something you didn't want to do, you can learn from the experience of having all your choices forced from you and against your consent, and be better from it!"

We can even take in-story!

They spent, so much time, never once talking to one another, about one another, setting up jack all. In fact, vast majority either followed Hunter's lead or ignored him, and left the Camera--there has never been any "Oh we can be who we want".

Unless you're Omega. And y'know, I tots watched a show called the Bad Batch, because I was totally clearly there for an original character not apart of the Bad Batch.

At the end of all it, I have to ask... what... story were they trying to tell exactly?

The show didn't dedicate itself to anything. It spent so long avoiding dedication that it robbed all impact, and left a constant sense of tension in every episode.

It didn't dedicate to a story. Oh it dedicated to the Rush, the New AND SHINY CONTENT--but that's it. Honestly, if they wanted the feeling of rush, they should've just dedicated themselves to Youtube Shorts, Vines and Tiktok.

I'm not here for the rush of content. I'm here for a fucking story, with characters. I have games that are decades old, I have the original Han Solo Trilogy, far before that fucking film.

And I go back, and I reread and replay, because I fucking love them. And that's what you do with something you love, you return to it constantly, its not a Fad that passes once the rush stops.

But I can only go back to the TBBshow, to take what little is good, And destroy the rest, and plant garden above the ashes.

(There are things good in this show that I want to drag out into the light and into better things. And I know, plenty of people have found that good too, and they have done the same. The sheer dedication of interpretation is a beautiful thing. )

There is no Replay Value here. By all accounts, they turned this into a throw-away show, that I guarantee, in about six months, half the fandom is going to be gone from because there's no substance here.

( I'd be shocked, but also not shocked, if it isn't, but I'm not hopeful here. )

And I'll guarantee to you, my audience, that I am going to be here with a never ending coal-fire in my chest.

Because as a lifetime Star Wars fan, from birth and unto where ever the end of my journey is, it has me--it can have my Love, or it can have my Never Ending Rage, but it has me regardless.

ADDENDUM

There are other things, believe me, I am not finished, but I wanted to get the big points down and out, to air my grievances. Twas an emotional response of sheer fucking unbelievable rage. The fires of mustafar would mean nothing in comparison to fires that lie inside. ( i'm in my darth vader arc. )

This hasn't been a waste of time... But fuck it was a Waste of Story and a waste of characters, and I will never forgive the TBBshow, for the fact that the Clone Wars lead me to love, and the TBBshow lead me to antagonizing rage.

The TBBshow story should've been a tragedy. That would've set some things to rights. If they had just, killed the team, and finally made the Empire into the tragic but villianous threat it really is, then that would've at least, made up for somethings. It wouldn't have fixed the show--S1 and S2 are still bad and no amount of good endings will fix that--but it would've been an anchor for it.

[hakugreenfinch]

disenchantment spoilers i guess but everyone is mad about elfo and luci and im just. feeling very :// about mora.

i dont talk about this much but when i first watched golden wind the sorbet-gelato thing touched me in a really bad place and i talk about this a bit more but i really dont mind gay characters (or characters that just radiate that energy but arent canonically gay - tiz and squalo namely) dying in golden wind because it doesnt feel targeted. like theyre killed because many people die in the series not because theyre queer, personally i can work with that.

in disenchantment it felt a bit like a fake punch to see if i flinch, even though i suspected they wont just kill off the mc's sapphic love interest for shock value it felt a bit below the belt? like i still had to watch bean mourning her for a painfully long time, it felt a bit cheap. bean feeling lonely and wanting someone that loves and understands her on this level has been a theme for 5 entire seasons and im not a fan of being made to feel like it was all for nothing and even though she figured out who she loves she doesnt actually deserve to be with her.

its probably because in jojo there isnt really a romantic storyline like that in... any part tbh (not counting erina and suzi bc finding them isnt really the main jojo's goal or a big part of the story they just meet and decide "oh we must marry"). if i was shown how desperate cioccolata or secco or idk was to find someone that loves and accepts them for most of golden wind or if that was at least one of giorno's biggest personal goals in life only for his love interest to then get killed off in the last episodes i would like that show a lot less. like that would be cruel and earn the title of "bury your gays" and disenchantment reviving mora in the last minute wasnt satisfying enough for me to just forgive that entirely.

(i could also go off about the difference between how the two shows handle random revivals and fakeout deaths but thats a suitcase for another day and i might be biased but spoiler, that bothers me a lot less in jojo too. like they dont do it so often death stops being meaningful in any way)

[iero]

okay i dont want this to come across as pretentious or anything but what abt the ending of saltburn is disturbing ?? i mainly watch horror and thriller movies so my view on media being ''disturbing'' or not is pretty skewed and whilst yes i understand that certain scenes like the bathtub and grave scenes might make ppl uncomfortable or disturb them, the ending was really tame imo. like so tame i wouldn't have even considered it to be disturbing if it wasn't for so many ppl online saying it is. i'm really trying to rack my brain. is it the murders ?? the naked dancing ?? the reveal that oliver planned (most of) it from the very start ?? the reveal that the main protagonist isn't a good person ?? to me these all seem like very normal plot points even outside of horror/thriller movies - i've def seen these plots being used in non-horror/thriller drama tv shows before - so i'm confused as to why anyone would find the ending disturbing (thanks in advance if u answer this <3)

Hey! Great question! I don't think you come off as pretentious! As someone who also watches a lot of, like, horror and psychological thrillers sometimes, I get it! I think one of the reasons I did actually watch it was because I saw everyone talk about it and I was like, "Okay, I need to see what all the commotion is about. I need to see if this is as disturbing as people say it is." and for me? It wasn't nearly as. I do say it's not for the faint of heart though.

I think what makes the ending so disturbing is really dependent on who you ask! I think it could be a lot of things. Like, literally all the things you said about the ending could cumulate to what makes the movie so out there for some. For me, it's like... It's really crazy that I personally think Oliver wanted that love and (mostly) attention to the point he went to those lengths to get it. It's like a main character syndrome. Like, it's really crazy to me to see people who have watched this movie sympathize with his character, but I think putting him as the main character was brilliant in that regard, you know? You usually root for the overall main character and to root for someone who is a pathological liar and reveals himself to be pretty evil in the end was kinda out there. That's how I personally could answer your overall question.

Sidenote as well, but I don't consider this movie to be a 10/10 though. Like, I thought it was good, but some points of it I found lacking or just plain dumb. Firstly, the montage at the end where it was spelled out that yes, he was the one who blew out Felix's tire, yes he poisoned his drink and essentially killed him, yes he stuck the razor blades right besides Venetia's bathtub, etc. Did that needed to be spelled out for everybody? It was predictable at a certain point to me way before the end that "Oh yeah, he's the one who did all this." and I don't care for predictability in a movie/TV show/etc. I like the element of surprise.

Another big thing that kinda sucked to me before I let you go is that after the first one or two scenes that were meant to make the viewers uncomfortable, I felt it was a film that was relying on shock value a little too much. After the "vampire scene," in the back of my mind, I was like, "Okay, we get it." Especially if you're me or you and you're not someone who is grossed out very easily for whatever reason, it just almost seemed dull at points. I almost went this whole movie with a straight face, even though the part at the very end where he takes out Elspeth's breathing tube/life support and just yanks it out from her throat made my jaw drop and got an eyebrow raise from me. I knew it was gonna happen in the back of my mind, but him just straight up pulling it out of her throat himself had me like, "Well, shit..." It was a bit unexpected to me.

But, that's it. Sorry for the novel length answer. You didn't ask for a movie review from me, but I thought I would share my thoughts on it! Thank you for the thought provoking question anon!

[papers4me]

Fruits Basket Manga Review , ch 112 & 113 (part 2)

I hate that this chapter is cut... mainly cuz it deals with the most “ horribly presented” theme in furuba anime.... grief.

-The shame of grieving: “ Rarely discussed theme in Literature”:

When a love one dies... ppl differ in how they deal with it. Some cry their hearts out, some become depressed & painfully lonely, others get angry or cynical, some might deny it, some move on quickly, others move on but years after the realization crushes them, others stay still... Above all, you feel ashamed of yourself if you didn’t move on or if you DID move on.. “ Sometimes ppl around you judge you for it... for your grief”

The later is the theme of these two chapters. Rarely discussed themes & it saddens me that it is cut. You see, Furuba anime doesn’t get grief  at all. To them, it’s a small part of the generic protagonist after she finishes her job of nurturing the real main protagonist. Mothers are strong, they help us cross the bridge between childhood & adulthood. Tohru, the show’s mom, did it so thoroughly & in slow visual & narrative details for yuki. Afterwards, the anime brushed whatever is left of her character, which the anime viewed as sheer suspenseful drama, & collected it thro 3rd person story-telling techniques in one ep “ se3, ep6″ & excessive monologue for 10 minutes in se3, ep9.

In this chapter, Kakeru, a side character, sheds light into this theme. Kakeru didn’t lose a parent by death, didn’t grieve, has no dependent familial bonds with either dead parents “ kyoko & komaki’s dad”. Yet, kakeru stood & judged tohru on how she “ should” grieve. Harshly tearing her down while she’s standing there lonely, trying to hide her shock at the loss of her only pillar in life, broken & traumatized, dealing with the pushed down traumatic feelings from her past where her mom abandoned her as a child..now her mom did it again, this time thro death.. & kakeru, rightfully not knowing all that, but wrongfully lecturing her on how to behave... kakeru isn’t a monster, but he only saw what he wanted: komaki & how the world should grieve with his lover, how he should be the hero protecting her. So self-centered, insensitive, horribly cruel & unbelievably conceited, but above all... what he did is so sadly common... it hurts.

-Judging Grieving People:

As I said many times.. grief is so personal, so unique to the person & as common as it is, so misunderstood. According to kakeru & many ppl I’ve sopken to lately, tohru should have acknowledged komaki. Komaki, the not-traumatized version of tohru, did the right “ tohru-like” thing. Not only felt sadness at the loss of her own dad, but found it in her heart to visit the other orphan, tohru, & give condolences & respect to the dead mother. Such kindness & purity. Very deserving of applaud: To not only see your pain but others’ as well. Tohru has always done the “ right, kind” thing to other ppl. When she can’t now, the author brought another “ tohru” to do the “ right, kind” thing.

Kakeru is so many ppl. During my brother’s funeral. I’ve heard so many gossip on how my mom should’ve stood tall & greeted the visitors.” Being silent , emotionless & non-responsive is not how you show visitors you value their kind words”, they said. How his widow should’ve collected herself & acted properly, respected his memory by taking proper care of herself & her kids. “Being a broken mess is not how you “ honor” loved one”, they said. Kakeru is indeed many ppl & that’s how you discuss a theme by creating characters who sin, screw up & be cruel, even if momentarily.

Kakeru is wrong. There is no “ you should have” in grief. There is no ounce of truth in his demeaning lecture to tohru & I respect komaki for her reaction to him so much. Kakeru did learn & grew from it, apologized to tohru even if he didn’t actually sought her to do so & even if she herself started the apology. But you see, these two chapters are 90% focused on kakeru as a character, his growth, thoughts, the mini focus on his relationship with komaki as an example of healthy relationship & all that is another lesson for yuki to observe & learn. He learned abt tohru’s past, kakeru’s personality & growth & got to observe another example of romantic relationship so yuki can grow as a man & approach machi healthily. But then again... nothing at all stops yuki/machi from being healthy, no past issues, no contradicting personalities “ they’re quite similar” & yuki is the only furuba character that doesn’t screw up big. He learns & teaches. He’s the personification of the author.

-Tohru.. stays a “ tohru”:

Tohru’s part is 10% of the this chapter which is fine as I think/hope it will lead into more tohru depth in the following chapters. But It is for this reason I’m glad this chapter was cut in the 13 eps season of furuba anime, cuz tohru doesnt have much depth in the anime due to the quick wrap up & the la~~~~st  thing I want is another 3rd person story-telling flashback abt tohru in the anime. Honestly, one of the most frustrating aspect to me of the anime & I’ll hold judgement abt manga- tohru till I reach its end. So far~~~ Tohru’s depth & character exploration gets better one chapter, then regress the next one, then moves on, the... it’s a fluctuating process. It has nothing to do with tohtu’s feelings.

you’ see ... kyo himself as a character with issues fluctuates a lot, he does sth good, then does sth bad, chooses right words, then makes a horrible mistake & chooses wrong! which is one of the most well-done aspects of character exploration that is rarely attempted by authors! I highly respect Takaya-san for what she’s doing with kyo in the manga so far. Other authors show us a character doing one big mistake & then he/she learns from it in a dramatic way. But Takaya-san, nope! she decided to approach it in a very human way, making us be frustrated with kyo’s repeated mistakes yet understands where he’s coming from! kudos to her!!

But I’m not yet satisfied with how tohru is portrayed in the manga & this has nothing to do with tohru’s character. Takaya-san is discussing rare themes thro tohru’s character. But what I mean is how tohru is approached thro the viewers/readers eyes. I wont judge until the last chapter. but this is the part that is frustrating to me.

Side Notes:

The flow of the 2 chapters is little off. We go back & forth between the past & the present, between yuki-machi & komaki-kakeru. Again, I’m so glad the anime cut it cuz, nope! they can’t handle such narrative. they’ll reorder it in a such heavily monologing way & insert the comedy abruptly to lighten the mood. Just look at how the comedy is inserted in momiji’s se03 ep!

Komaki is such a tohru with a sprinkle of kagura’s very softened outbursts. lol. she’s fun!

I’m liking yuki-machi interactions a lot. no drama, which is why the anime cut it -_-’, but it progresses healthily. Machi is yuki’s third-stage growth after (1) leaving tohru’s nest (baby yuki), (b) making friends with kakeru/someone who gets him (young boy yuki), (3) finding romantic love (being a man). The anime was so interested in the 2 stages above cuz that’s where the drama is & cut the third. Honestly, the anime didn’t have to include everything as there is never a space in 13 eps, but they certainly could’ve squeezed few panels or even made brand new very short yuki-machi scenes. but the anime weirdly decided after yuki “ saved” machi from her trauma by talking with her in her apartment, he should just marry her.... lol.. that’s why next scene is ep 5 momiji’s ep intro montage where yuki was abt to confess!!! making yuki-machi the least developed couple in the anime!

I love all furuba’s characters, but yuki, tohru, kyo & akito carry the big themes, therefore, I not only analyze their characters, but how the themes are presented thro them & how their presentation affects such themes. This might make it sound as I hate them or am harsh on them. not at all. It is the anime director/ manga author that I’m positively or negatively criticizing most times. Most importantly, my criticism is not the law. It’s just my perspective & my consumption of the material. Feel free to differ with me. I dont mind it. It brings interesting discussions!

When it comes to tohru’s issues... his chapter introduced nothing new. We have seen/read in canon repeatedly that tohru hides her pain behind a smile (heck! even kisa knows that & told us), that she cant stand up for herself much, that she smiles for other ppl not for herself. All this was presented thro so many characters already, which is why I understand the anime’s decision to cut it. What’s new? that yuki didn know tohru’s smile is mostly a mask & that kakleru has depth.

I love this chapter for the grieving themes it discussed that are rarely touched upon in literature, but since such themes are rarely presented, the anime’s decision to cut it, ironically proves my point! lol . They don’t get grief & so, they reduced it to se03 content & two eps worth. sad.. but expected. The anime is indeed another form of “past” kakeru: seeing one side of grieving person. The happy side.

[angelteethcrybaby]

jujutsu kaisen was really hard to get into at first, as i read somewhere- it just felt like a regurgitation of shounen tropes. of course there were moments, but after the hidden inventory arc, is where i actually started enjoying the story and getting invested. things i found cool

- mahitos manipulation of the bbody through manipulating the soul

- mai's hurt at being left behind by maki that she was hiding, deep down- how she values their bond over jujutsu, which she doesnt even care about (and was ready to sink together with her sister and doesnt get why maki couldnt stay) vs. maki who left te zenin clan to pursue jujutsu

- pandas gorilla mode. excellenttly designed

- inumakis cursed speech, soumds sick as fuck in the anime

- gojo telling megumi to let loose and stop holding back vs megumi doing exactly that

- that panel with sukuna and mahito where itadori realises how no matter how you put it, theyre curses

- mahitos weird little faces. pure comedy

- hes so fun in general. the chaotic energy? unrivaled.

- yeah junpei arc. you can fel the fun theyre having in the dinner scene, his mom and yuuji and him. lmao the wilson scene.

- his entire part- his conversations with mahito and when his mom dies and hes all pressed to mahitos side, horrified and needing comfort. vs later when you realize theyre the ones who planted the finger. its the classic character sort of being groomed b a villain and being manipulated and getting "corrupted" but being "saved" by the main caracter/ agreeing to join their side arc and then being set up to be killed for the shock value and to further the hatred the mc feels for the main villain

-megumis deadpan faces and general maturity, responsibility out of the trio vs going feral when hes alone. its why his fights are the most enjoyable. hes so much more petty and don to murder

- the whole gojo and getos backstory fucks so hard.

- amanais admission of just desperately wanting to be with everybody more, despite all of her claims of being okay with the merging (i am master tengen, and master tengen is me!)

- gojos whole i alone am the honourd one, his fight with toji and his imaginary technique!

- then getos spiral and subsequent decision, (are you the strongest because youre gojou satoru? or are you gojou satoru because youre the strongest?)

- choso and his love for his brothers

shibuya incident of course.

- gojo freezing at a crucial incident bcs somebodys parading around with the body of his best friend,

his soul knows its not suguru geto, despite the six eyes.

- that thing that happens whenever somebody fights itadori -

(at that moment, memories overflowed in his brain, memories that dont exist.)

- mimiko and nanakos relationship with geto - they love him, but they want the imposter gone.

"down below...theres a man wearing a priest's robe with stitches on his forehead. please...kill him. please free....master geto."

(we love you. we love you. we love you.

but you.

you're not him.)

- sukunas sheer potential of devastation

- gojos whole universe/infinity/all seeing/omnipotent aesthetic

- yuutas what a relief reveal

- ofc makis entire thing, her borderline redesign- the toji paralells (destroy them all, big sister) the panel with her holding the head? perfect

- fushiguro's - were not heroes, we're jujutsu sorcerers.

- his fight with reggie.

- domain expansion: chimera shadow garden

- his shikigami and the divine dogs

- gojo and geto (as teenagers, mind you) pseudo-adopting kids at the same time. one braincell

- queen of curses rika vs king of curses sukuna

[lissalizzie]

AS I PROMISED

CHISHIYA X READER - A SOFT ONE ( +18 because of some words I used)

It is really cute I promise, listen to the song while you read... It will give you the vibe

Sorry for any mistakes

You were so tired of waiting...

When you first felt your heart beating faster for Chishiya after one of your first games your never imagined it would be so hard to deal with being in love with him.

The problem was... That guy seemed not to care about a thing... He didnt have friends, he didnt talk about any person in the real world... It was like he was born alone and that scared you as hell cause that made the job of getting to his heart kinda impossible...

It was a little dumb and silly to be worrying about a love in a world like that one... In a reality like that one...But you just couldn't help that... Everytime you saw him it was like you wanted so much to be his... Like you wanted him to saw you too but he never did.

And the days passed, the months passed. You weren't a girl, you were a woman... You didn't like playing more than you were already pushed to...

At some point it started to make you cry to see him because you wanted him to notice, at least, which he didnt seemed to... But that time you were wrong.

The thing was Chishiya was feeling something for the first time in his life, and he wasn't even recognizing it because it was a first time experience.

Seeing you was like another kind of pleasure, a sweeter one, some kind one soft sensation. It wasn't like when he won a game or a card... It was peaceful... Being with you didn't make his body felt like all the adrenaline in the world was in his veins... Is was like... Home... Like he didn't want to run, or hide, or plan anything, or talk... He just wanted to listen to you and watch you... Because you were such a great view for him.

Chishiya was used to paying attention on everything around him, and  of course that included you... But at some point your eyes started to be the focus... Because they were like a big, deep and beautiful ocean... And your lips...Do they supposed to shine like that while you talk? Chishiya always catched himself asking those questions.

He was confused, so he kept even quieter than he usually was...

But when he couldn't hide it anymore...He felt like something was exploding inside him. Maybe it was on your birthday when everyone tried so hard to make you happy but he just... didnt show up on that little party cause he was trying so hard to deny his feelings for you like a dumb guy would do... And then when he was coming back to his room late at night he heard you cry... And he knew it was you because he would recognize your voice even at hell after listening to you talking about everything for so long...

You were alone at your room, Kuina had left after talking to you for long hours trying to convince you that... You should only love people that are capable to value the intensity of that love... And she was so right and you were feeling so dumb.

When you saw his cold eyes in the room you almost felt like punching him in the face cause you were so angry. Not cause he didnt come to your birthday party, but because he was acting like a fucking teen and he was a man... How could he manage all those feelings about the games and could not deal with the fact that another person... Liked him? That made you feel like giving up so much, because what was the point of keeping a feeling for someone that made you cry more than made you happy ?

- You know... Looking at me like that wont help anything.

- Oh it will... It will help you to stay alive

Chishiya was smart, he was fast but one of the reasons he liked you back was... You was just as good as him... If not better.

- I didn't even know it was your birthday, y/n

- Don't you dare try playing dumb to me - You was so angry you felt like you were burning. You were so tired of suffering for someone else.

He breathed in and out as he was looking at the ground.

- Okay... I...

- No... This is not about you, there is nothing about you here, Chishiya. If you didn't want me you just had to say no and we would move on. You treated me like a child, you treated me like a girl that would follow you around like a psycho, you didnt respect me . ...because I can deal with anything but I will not accept a fucking man or anyone here looking down on me just because I'm in love... - You words were so heavy it was like anyone could actually touch them. It was clear it was not just because it was in love with him you were gonna give up on who you were or on your well being. - I fucking give up, okay? - You just threw your hands in the airs with sad eyes, you didnt want to but you also didn't see any hope on that cause he never really showed anything to you.

At that moment Chishiya felt that if he didnt make any move he would lost the one thing... He really felt that he wanted and it wasnt artificial and automatic...

We walked till your faces were really close and, for the first time, you saw an expression on his face... fear.

- I... Please, please dont leave, y/n

- Why? So you can still doing what you're doing? I'm not here for you to use me

- Can you just... Let me talk ? I... I'm afraid... Okay? I'm afraid, y/n. I never felt anything like that... I never was afraid to lose someone... I never... - He touched your hair, his eyes passing through the details of your face. - I never felt like my world was about anyone else other than me... And now it seems like it is... And I'm so afraid cause I feel vulnerable like I never did in my life... it's terrifying. - He confessed. - I'm not the kind of guy who talks... I'm not the kind of guy who knows how to... you know... expresses himself... This is me, y/n. But somehow I... Let's say... the thought of losing you on game is even more terrible as the one of... me dying on a game... And it's weird but when I think about something... You... - He closed his eyes... he wanted so much to talk but it was always so hard... like something was there trying to stop him.- Just dont leave... Because I am here waiting for you to come back everytime you leave... You matter to me... And I want to know how it is... To matter to someone else too... and to do it together. I'm sorry if I hurt you... I never meant to, and I'm sorry I acted like a jerk cause I really wasn't paying much attention on my behavior... You didn't deserve that... But please... If you could give me a chance... To show you I'm not about... what you saw

You were do shocked you couldn't even say a complete word. It didn't make any sense... Why was he being like that? It was so... dreamy it almost didn't feel like reality and that's what you were so afraid about.

- You know I'm not like those idiots you try to confuse, right ?

- Oh, for god's sake - He took your hands and  you both sat down on the bed. - If I was trying to confuse you I would be using your weak points... Like the fact you didnt had sex in like a year and you're physicall as hell... Or... I would be using that perfume you told Kuina you liked so you would be considerably distracted cause you already have feelings for me... Yes you should be more careful who you tell your secrets to, by the way... - He laughed - I wouldn't be showing you all my weaknesses if I wanted to do something to you, y/n

Well... You knew him enough to sense a little bit of sincerity there... And you felt like you could trust him... As risky as it sounded... But falling for him was already risky.

- So why are you telling me this ?

- Cause I can't take this alone anymore... And I really feel something about you... And it is good I guess... so...

You just smiled and, softly, you kissed him. He touched your face and... You thought it would never gonna happened but it was and it was just right.

[blackthorn02]

Human feelings🥀 (Ferid Bathory x reader)

—>Imagine happened after the battle in nagoya-fluff rated

* (Y/n)... your name

* (L/n)...last name

* (H/c)... hair colour

The sun was shining trough the window in her face and luminated (y/n)’s (h/c) hair that fell slightly in her face. She felt as if she had risen from death and every bone in her body left a terrible pain when she started to move. “Well,well. You’re finally awake. I thought you would never wake up again (y/n)”- Crowley looked up from the report he was reading and smiled at her as if he was a madman. To be honest (y/n) didn’t even noticed that he was sitting there-vampires sometimes can be really disturbing, when they sneak around in total silence. (Y/n) looked up at the red haired vampire and gave him a questioned look. What happend and where even was she? Crowley grinned and read her questioned face:”hmmm let me think what happend-ahhh now i remember: you were fighting with this annoying livestock from the Hiragi clan, i think kureto was his name, when you suddenly fainted. We subdued the humans and Ferid decided to make a deal with them. You really should have seen his face when he saw that you were badly injured-hehe. But to be honest I was actually also a bit concerned about my little kitten.” (Y/n) looked at him dumbfounded. She sat in a big fluffy bed with red silk duvets that kept a well known smell that always included security.Suddenly it dawned on her. No it couldn’t be! “why the fuck am i lying in Ferids bed?!”, (y/n) shouted in shock. Crowley just grinned : “ Hahaha- you only noticed that now?! Our new beloved king thought that would be a good idea since you would be safe here and no one would come to disturb your healing process. Ohh by the way- you should be really a little bit careful (y/n) and eat something. Mi little kitten was faint for a long time!”- and with that he stood up, waved with his gloved hand and left her alone in Ferids noble room. (Y/n) looked around an found a white vampire uniform that laid on a chair next to the bed. It was clearly a uniform for her and she went to take it on. Why happend she to be always in such awkward situations? when she was fiddling with the ribbon of her coat, it knocked on the door. “Come in!”. A purple haired vampire stuck his head trough the door and smiled happily. “ i am really glad you are well (y/n). I really thought you are going to die on me.” (Y/n) grinned and hugged him tightly- “lacus, i don’t think i was that bad injured like you all claim i was.” She clung away from him and began again fiddling with the red ribbon of her uniform-failing. Lacus came standing behind her, took the ribbon from her hands to beginn binding it behind her neck, while she lifted her hair up. “ soo that would be finished- now you should really hurry and go to Ferid since he doesn’t really like to have him wait!” (Y/n) nod and Lacus escorted her to the throneroom where he knocked on the high wooden carved door, before he opended it and signaled (y/n) to go in. (Y/n) stood in a massive hall that shined in red,and golden colours. Before her sat Ferid in his new throne looking down on her with a penetrating look. “ ahh (y/n)- as i see your wounds all healed. That is good because i really like you to meet someone. You can thank me later for saving your life and for my endlessly goodness!” God, he was such a brat sometimes. (Y/n)gave him a questioning look: “as i can see you really settled into the role of the king very well. Now you’re more charming than ever! I am really greatful for your kindness, king ferid the great!”-(y/n) bowed mockingly and Ferid just rolled his eyes, “ save your jokes for later (y/n)”. Another knock on the door brought them back to reality. Rene came in with a small vampire in tow, that looked a little bit like crowley. “King Lest Karr, my majesty!”-Rene bowed and left. Ferid clapped his hands:“(y/n), let me introduce you King Lest Karr-the vampire king of the european vampires. His job is to evaluate and watch me, since i could plan bad things to subordinate the other vampire reigns. Not true, Lest karr?”

Lest Karr looked at ferid disgusted and nodded: “ i will see your every mistake and punish you mercyless if you even think about betrayal!”. Lest Karr turned to her and looked at her appraisingly: “ so, you are (y/n) (l/n). The last survivor of the (l/n) family who holds mighty power?! If they take advantage from you, i will slaughter every one of them. Your value is inconceivably high for us vampires!”-and with that he turned away and left both of you speechless in thethroneroom. Ferid started laughing out loud-“what a nice child he is! in the afternoon there is a meeting with the top people of the humans and I want you to show up there too. we will work out a plan to get the seraph of the end back!” (Y/n) sighed and nodded at his terrible plan, when Ferid suddenly approached her and slung his arms longingly around her. (Y/n) could feel his warm breath on her neck and a shiver ran down her spine. “If you are going to bite me i am totally willing to rip your arm out!” Ferid laughed fearfull at that thought and wispered in her ear: “ I am really glad you are okay. When you suddenly fainted on the battlefield i feared the worst.” He let go of her and walked out of the throne room, leaving her alone as if nothing ever happend.

The afternoon came fast and (y/n) was on her way to the meeting. She steppend in the controll room where Crowley and Ferid already waited for her. The humans had brought Shynia Hiragi, Guren Ichinose,who was possessed from his sword demon and Kureto Hiragi. Kureto looked at her pejorative and hissed: “well well, there she is. The traitor that now warms all of the vampire beds!” (Y/n) looked at him angrily and punched her fist into the table: “at least i didn't kill and slaughter my own race to seize world domination!”. Suddenly Ferid jumped up from his chair, grabbed Kureto by the neck, pierced his pointed claws in his neck so that it started to bleed and rammed him into the wall aggressively. but as soon as he grabbed kureto he released him, straightened his uniform and declared the meeting over: “ you can all go now- except crowley, i need to talk with him!” (Y/n) looked at him shocked but Ferid averted his gon from her and ignored he

At first she thought nothing of it, but his ignorance and distance continued for the rest of the day. (Y/n) felt terrible and left alone. it hurted a lot to be ignored by a close friend and treated like air. so she decided, in her unwillingness, to sleep in her own room today and get out of his way to give ferid the freedom he wanted so obviously. When she opened the door to her room, she was greeted by a bare cold room without much decoration and nonsense. a room in which she didn't really feel comfortable and was lonely. (Y/n) took off her uniform and a nightgown on. then, exhausted, she slipped into her cold bed and tried to fall asleep, which was obviously difficult for her without the security of ferids presence and fragrance. she fell into a restless dreamless sleep, but a little later she frantically woke up because she felt watched and uncomfortable. Ferid stood in her room, back faced to her, and looked outside the window, trough which light moonlight into the room fell. He noticed her waken form but didn’t turn around to face her: “(y/n), you know i would never hurt or use you I could never do something like that, you have become far too important to me. when i saw you die at the battlefield i thought my heart would be torn to pieces. I never thought that I would still perceive something like human feelings. I really didn't want to hurt your feelings. but when that scum of human said such nasty words about you, I just couldn't control myself anymore. I wanted to wipe out this miserable human being and I only really realized that I would do anything to weigh you in safety. nevertheless you took his words to heart and doubted my person.” his eyes were sad and his voice sounded like it was breaking away. (Y/n) had never seen him so hurt before. she always thought that vampires would not feel anything, just caring for themselves and their race and loathing people. she would never have imagined in her life that Ferid could feel that way for her. she suddenly felt very sad and all she wanted to do now was get up and hug Ferid. (Y/n) went to him, wrapped her arms around him and buried her face in his back. ferid stiffened at first but then fell into her touch. He loved her touch and warmth. he always felt cold but her heat warmed his heart. (Y/n) hummed and sighed: “ dont be afraid! the only bed i am going to warm is yours, Ferid! you are the only vampire where i feel really safe and where i can let myself go. I didn't believe Kureto's words - and you know that too. Nothing gets me so easily upset. but since you ignored me and treated me like air, I thought you would need space and I wanted to give it to you.” Ferid turned to look at her deeply. he put his hand on her cheek and she leaned in to his touch. he ran his thumb over her lips and she saw a tear trickle down his face. she wiped away the single tear and put her arms around his neck. ferid smiled and before she knew it he kissed her softly on the lips. it was a sweet gentle kiss that soon became a demanding one that burned like passion on her lips. Ferid backed away and grinned: “ i love you too, (y/n)!” ferid picked her up and carried her bridal style to his room where he gently placed her in his bed. he took off his uniform and layed next to (y/n) under the blanket where he gently wrapped his arms around her and both fell into a sweet dream.

If you enjoyed this oneshot,please leave a comment and feel free to reblog💜

-blackthorn

[naptoons]

Broken- Erick Colon

Warnings: verbal fights, cursing.

Theme: Angst

Summary: you and Erick thought getting together would be great, you guys liked each other since you were in middle school. But never told each other, you’ve dated other people and now y’all are broken. So broken that the relationship becomes toxic.

A/N: I apologize for all the angst buttttt yah girl ain’t feeling the fluffs at the moment, I’ve been in a very let down mood so i apologize. But enjoy!!!

Proofread? : no.

Being in love with Erick consisted of bricking, kissing and makeup sex. Then back to yelling at each other and making each other mad. Loving each other started to become a chore. The push and pull of wanting to and being scared. You both thought this relationship would save you both. But y’all are far to broken for each other.

“She was all up on you Erick!!, did you not notice or you just dont fucking care?!” You yell at him for the fourth time this week, because he was so nice he couldn’t notice his friend was being too flirty, even though she knew you guys were together and you were standing obviously right there. “Y/n?” He sighs “how many fucking times do I have to tell you shes a friend?!” “ friends?! To be all cuddled up in you like that?!” “I don’t understand why you’re so fucking pissed about it y/n I’m with you for fuck sakes!” Erick huffs walking over to the sofa, you stand on the wall apart from him, fighting the urge to block his view of the tv, you weren’t done with him, cause he doesn’t seem to understand how this friend of his has a crush on him, to make matters worse it’s an ex.

“You’re probably fucking her that’s why you don’t care” you mumble with your arms crossed Erick’s leg bounces up and down trying to calm himself down, he was angry at how big of a scene you made at the party, you had leaped over the arms of Richard and Joel, pulling her hair down to the floor as you got a couple of hits in, to make matters even bigger you threw a drink at her. “Y/n-please I’m done arguing with you” he demands through gritted teeth.

“Well are you? Are you cheating on me?” You ponder, Erick doesn’t answer instead he drinks water from the glass “of course you would go back to ex, she’s everything I’m not Huh?”

“How ment times i Gotta tell your she’s just a friend?!” He yells at you standing up and throwing a glass cup close to you, your body shutters in fear. You’d never thought these arguments would result to you guys putting your hands in each other. The impact of that throw just shattered all over your foot.

“Baby—“ he shutters before two members come in, Richard and Chris looking at Erick, one in anger and one in utter shock

“What the hell is wrong with you?!” Richard yells at him, walking towards him Chris grabs your arm softly moving you out the way of the shattered glass. Joel and zabdiel turn around the corner looking at your cut feet, Joel lifts you up bridal style to take care of the glass in your foot.

Joel sits you on the sink grabbing the first aid kit, he sees your somber mood, your eyes look so distraught and scared, Joel swallowed the lump in his throat thinking how he can advert your attention from what just occurred. “Hey you wanna go grab some frosty’s? Or do you want McDonald’s milkshake?”

“If their machine works” you dryly joke

“True,” he laughs a little “so what do you want? Or do you want both?”

“I want spicy nuggets and a frosty, maybe a McDonald’s caramel sundae”

“Orders up” Joel smiles, “Cmon lets go”

Sitting on the grass, you pick at your frosty slowly turning it into a milkshake anyways, Joel notices how you’re spacing out so he rubs your back softly “do you need space?”

“No, cause when I’m alone I don’t know what I might start thinking, or doing”

“Do you want to talk about it?” Joel whispers, as if theirs someone following you guys.

“I’m a mess Joel, a broken mess and I knew this all to well, I knew this before I dated him, my last two relationships were scarring, one was verbally abusive, and the other cheated, I don’t know why I thought Erick would save me, I should’ve never jumped into this relationship—" your voice cracked

“If I knew I wasn’t ready” you barely finished, but Joel caught every vowel and Constant. “I fuck up every relationship I have”

“Hey no, that’s not true, listen those guys they fucked up the relationship to not even consider how you felt, because love shouldn’t be difficult, love is when you’re so terrified of hurting the other person, of they loved you they wouldn’t have dare to break you”

“Is love constantly arguing?”

“It is if you’re arguing about something that could potentially cause you guys to separate, that means both of you are scared, and sometimes it’s a defensive mechanism because you don’t want another relationship to turn out as the last”

“Arguments are nothing but miscommunication gone wrong” Joel hums at the end “and when that happens neither party is listening, it’s just pain talking” drinking the frosty from your cup you nod your head. Yeah, it makes sense now, neither of you guys are communicating because you both are scared of your bruises resurfacing, so instead of flight, you fight instead. It’s just pain on top of pain.

“So if you want, take a break think it over, do you love him? and is it worth the wait for you guys to heal?”

“Are you saying we’re together at the wrong time?”

“No, love has no time, and it surely doesn’t wait either, I’m just saying healing takes a while, but you can still be together and heal too, communication is one form of healing” he bumps your shoulder softly

“Wow, you really do give out great advice”

“If I did, id be with my ex right now, I’m just trying to prevent you from making the same mistake”

“Thanks Joel”

It’s been four weeks since you saw Erick, you were trying to give yourself and him enough breathing room to think about your relationship. And not only that but to discover who you are within yourself. ”now or never right?” You ask yourself standing in front of their house, ringing the doorbell you Yep your foot on the welcome mat. “Aw fuck it I can’t do this” just as your about to turn around the door swings open, and there he was. Even after all these weeks, he still gave your butterflies, and your cheeks rose in color.

“Hey” he starts off softly

“Hey-um can we talk?” You ask fiddling with your bracelet, it was the bracelet he bought you back from touring, with every stop they had you always remembered to buy you a souvenir. Since you couldn’t travel along with him cause of school.

“Yeah of course come in” you walk in the house, following Erick to his room, sitting in the bed he sits across from you giving you enough space so you’re not uncomfortable or scared. He’d never want to see you make that face, specially on his accord.

“So I’ve been thinking, that we’ve been having way to many fights, this break we had from each other was much needed” you look to see ericks head looking down at his hands , his body looked so stiff and somber, he didn’t seem like himself. “But, I know that I still love you and I have so much growth for myself, I have a lot of room to improve, so just know it’s not your fault, nor is it mine, and it’s not our exes fault either, we don’t get to choose how or when we get hurt in this world, but we get to choose how we deal with the pain, and we both chose poorly” you turn your body fully towards him.

Erick looked like he hasn’t been motivated to do anything for these past weeks, you had hoped he’d be taking care of himself like you did, but this hit him in a different way. “Hey Erick, I’m not mad at you, I’m disappointed in you nor am I upset with you, I know you didn’t mean it, it was just fear talking so dont-“

“How you can you forgive someone that almost threw glass at you? How can you love someone that argued with you until they pushed you away? How can you even for a second, still love me after all the pain I’ve gave you?” Erick finally looks at you, his eyes drowning in every negative emotion you can think of. “Y/n you don’t deserve the repeat of opening and closing so much, you deserve to be happy, you deserve someone who is there twenty-four-seven, you deserve someone man enough to actually listen and value what you say, because all I did in that relationship was made you cry alone countless nights, and gave you more problems then I was worth, y/n you really are an angel, and I can’t drag you down for being stuck in the past”

You stood up from the bed still eyes laid on Erick, you stood in front of him removing his hand from his face. He looks up at you shocked and dazed. He was wondering why are you still here? How could you even look at him? “Listen, I’m not going to force you into a relationship if that’s not what you want but listen to me carefully” you pause for his answer

“Okay” he lets out an unsteady answer

“Erick, remember when I told you that even if you were a shattered glass house I would still pick you up and rebuild you?” You ask him

“Yeah” his voice simmer down slowly

“I didn’t make that promise because you were my friend, I made that promise because I know what type of person you are, Erick you’re the most wholehearted, passionate and charming man I’ve ever been with, so why the hell would I ever stop loving a person like that?”

Erick gazes at you again his breath stuck in a tight air bubble, “Erick, yeah you scared me that day, but what made me scared wasn’t the glass, it was that we couldn’t help or understand each other, so I thought I would lose you, I can’t pretend that day didn’t happen, but I’m willing to heal it, to heal us, only if you want too” you kiss his knuckles softly. You missed the way his hands fit into yours, the way he would rub circles on your inner thigh when he was driving. The crinkle in his nose when you pull out the awful dad jokes.

You missed him.

“I’m willing to try too, I love you” Erick stands up hovering over you just by a couple inches “you look beautiful by the way” he caresses your cheek In one hand, while the other holds your waist.

“You idiot, my cheeks and eyes are swollen but I’m beautiful?” You punch him softly

“Always beautiful the hell you mean?” He furrows his eyebrows, “your as beautiful as the moon dancing across the water” you giggle with a slight blush tint from ear to ear, luckily it was dark in his room, next thing you knew Erick pressed his lips on yours, passionately he softly laid your back on the bed and hovered over you.

We had to save ourselves. In order to save our relationship.

[kilibaggins]

How about a Murphy/Bellamy where Bell finds out Murphy self-harms

I Love You, Too

Oh, I'm excited for this one tbh. I feel bad for being excited, but i really am. I love writing my Favorite Characters in pain- whoops.

I hope you like it!

Warning: Self Harm, scars, blood. crying, talk of feeling worthless.

P.s: I love Emori, but I needed some angst and some way for Murphy and Bellamy to be together.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Murphy can't tell Bellamy. The last person he told, being Emori, left him telling him he was crazy, and forcing him to leave her. He had stayed in the coldest parts of the Ring, curled into himself hoping that the pain would go away. He wasn't that surprised when she forced him to leave and ended it, nothing good happened to him, and she's right hes probably just crazy anyways. So, that's why he knows he cant tell Bellamy. The older, more mature man, will just yell at him and call him crazy, He'll probably just force him to leave.

About a month later, of barley seeing Murphy (even during most eating times), Bellamy had decided that since nobody else was looking for him, he'd do it himself. He had searched all over the place only to find Murphy curled into a ball on his side, staring out into the great expanded of space, trying to search Earth for any green that could possibly be there, though he knew it wouldn't come anytime soon. He was thinner then, probably from not eating as much as the rest of them, and his breathing picked up when he realized someone was with him. He jumped up and swung at the person who has decided to come into his area, it was like he barley saw who he was actually about to hit. Bellamy calmed him down, and brought him back to his room, promising to take care of the boy.

That was two months ago, now Murphy and Bellamy were in a somewhat stable relationship, though how stable can a relationship really be when it had such a rocky beginning. When one of them still has nightmares about the other letting him get beaten up and hung.

Surprisingly they have a day to relax. They usually don't get this, at least Bellamy never does, but today was wife open for the two of them to stay in their room all day and relax with one another.

Murphy can hear the mechanical hum of the Ring around them. He thought he'd escaped that long ago, but turns out the world had to end again, so once again he was stuck on a huge tin can in the middle of an unforgiving space, a place he cant escape from. Bellamy knows this id a problem for Murphy, that he's always scared that he's stuck somewhere so he always tells the others to just give him some space if he runs off. Emori never used to come after him, just waited until he came back to their room, no matter hoe long he was gone. She never worried about him. Bellamy does, though. He goes searching for Murphy after an hour and usually finds him curled on the cold floor in front of a huge window, just staring out into space, literally.

But he hasn't felt the need to run in a long time. He hasn't had the urge to just stare into the unforgivable vast are around their small Ring. He hasn't needed that. Not until now he thinks. His skin is crawling and he feels stuck. He knows he should just... Be happy being able to be with Bellamy. He knows he should appreciate this while he has it but for the life of him he cant calm himself down.

"Murphy, what's wrong?" Bellamy asks from his spot on his bed. Murphy had been sitting on the floor because he sometimes just lounges around on anything he can, even if it's not meant for sitting, and he was just staring. He thinks life's too short to worry about what I'd, and isn't a chair, so he'll just plop down wherever he wants. Murphy blinks and looks up at the other man.

"Uh... Nothing. I just- I'm gonna go for a little bit." Murphy says grimacing at himself as he stands up. He hates that he can't just accept that they have something good happening for once. Bellamy looks up at him and Murphy hates himself even more when he sees Bellamy's eyes fill with hurt. But Bellamy Hides it almost as quickly as it first appeared.

"Oh, alright..." Bellamy says, his deep voice echoing off the walls of their small room. Murphy nods and walks out of the room, closing the door tightly Behind him. He sighs and shakes his head. He tells himself to just breath, to work through his spike of this worthless feeling, and to back in there and be with his Boyfriend. But he can't do it. He decides that he can just go, take care of his problem, maybe bring his knife out for a bit, a few cuts won't cause any harm, and then just go back and apologize. So that's what he does.

Murphy walks quickly down to his hiding spot, the one only he and Bellamy knoe about, a small little closer at the end of a long hallway. He quickly opens the door, and closes it behind him. He slides against the wall, cramped by the stuff piled in there, the shelf is filled with an assortment of things. He tries to breath through the urges but it doesn't work. He grabs his knife from his boot and brings it to his upper arm. He makes a cut. And another. And another. He never cuts too deep only enough to feel the pain, to see the blood.

He hears footsteps but he knows its just his imagination. Nobody would come after him, not for another hour at least. But then the door opens and his small closest it filled with Light, causing Murphy to grimace. He looks up at the person who opened the door and gulps. Bellamy is standing there, his mouth open in shock and his eyes staring at the knife that is still clutched in Murphy's hand. Murphy sees Bellamy tear up, and God that's the last thing he ever wants.

"Bell-" Murphy starts to say but cuts himself off as Bellamy falls down to his knees next to the younger man. He reaches out and tries to grab the knife in Murphy's hand but Murphy pulls away.

"John. Give me the knife." Bellamy says seriously, using Murphy's first name, hoping it'll get Murphy to know how serious he is. Murphy whimpers and looks at him with slight fear. Bellamy's face softens and he slowly puts his hand on Murphy's knee.

"Please." Bellamy says softly, his eyes swimming with unshed tears. Murphy is shaking and breathing heavily, and he doesn't want to get rid of his knife, its his knife, he shouldn't have to give it up he NEEDS it, it's his and he'll just keep it, thank you very much. But before he knows what's happening his head is nodding and Bellamy is taking the knife from his hand.

"Alright, alright good. Now, I'm going to clean you up alright?" Bellamy says his voice cracking, but he acts strong. He always does. He then turns to the shelf in the small little closest and sees all of the supplies that Murphy had stashed here. He grabs for some alcohol wipes and opens them up, taking out a few, while shaking the whole time.

"Why aren't you yelling at me?" Murphy asks in a small voice looking over at him in fear. Bellamy's heart breaks even further.

"I would never yell at you for something like this. Why would you think that?" Bellamy asks, hes taller than Murphy this way, he's kneeling over him his body is basically towering over him. Bellamy reaches over and slowly dabs at the cuts on Murphy's arm with the Wipes. Murphy hisses and flinches back slightly, and Bellamy shushes him and leans down to kiss his cheek, showing Murphy that its okay.

"I... I don't know." Murphy says, then looks down. He does know why, he just doesn't want to make anyone upset, so he'll stay quiet. Bellamy keeps wiping at the wounds trying to do it as softly as possible.

"Someone else did... Didnt they?" Bellamy asks looking into Murphys eyes. The smaller man nods and then looks down at his lap. Bellamy scoots closer and starts putting a bit more pressure on the wounds while cleaning them. He shakes his head and grabs a bandage from the shelf.

"Emori?" Bellamy asks and he feels Murphy stiffen under his hands, and he slowly runs his hand up and down Murphy's good arm trying to relax him.

"Yeah... Uh... She called me crazy. Started screaming at me about how I'm a selfish bastard and she kicked me out. Thats why you found me. That's why I left." Murphy says, his voice barley above a whisper. Bellamy curses Emori at that second. No matter how close they had all gotten, he couldn't just forgive her for treating the man he loves like that.

"You're not crazy. You're not selfish. You're amazing, John." Bellamy says.

"I'm not amazing. I'm worthless." Murphy says finally letting himself open, and finally letting someone see the pain hes in, "I- all I do is screw up. I dont do anything around here with value, I'm not good at anything, and i know I'd be the most likely to dir if someone had to die for whatever reason. I'm just not good enough." Murphy feels tears slip down his cheeks and Bellamy wipes them away looking into his eyes. Bellamy shakes his head and then leans forward to kiss Murphy. Their lips stay interlocked for a while, neither of them know exactly how long, it's always like this when they kiss. They get lost in eachother. Bellamy pulls away and Murphy makes a distressed noise. The older man chuckles and leans back in kissing Murphy's lips one more time before pulling away and wrapping his arm with the bandages.

"You're not worthless, Sweetheart. You do more than you think you do. You just being here helps me everyday.

I would have felt horrible if you weren't on that ship when we left. You ARE amazing, I don't care what you do or don't do on this ship, you're amazing." Bellamy says continuing to wrap Murphy's hurt arm.

Murphy watches him do it, he watches Bellamy, with his big hands and his incredible strength, hold his arm like hes Something precious. He watches as Bellamy sticks out his tongue in concentration. He watches his eyes light up when the bandage stays where he wanted it to. He watches as his eyes dull back down, probably remembering why he was working with bandaged in the first place.

Bellamy looks up and gives him a soft smile, then raises the freshly bandaged arm and kisses over it. He grabs Murphy's hand and holds it tightly, maybe a bit too Tightly, but honestly Murphy barley even notices how tight it is. Bellamy sighs softly and runs his thumb down Murphy's wrist, which is all healed old scars. He looks down sadly at them.

"I don't know how i never noticed." Bellamy says sadly. Murphy does. He's been hiding it from people for years. The only two people who ever knew about it were Emori, and Abby. Abby had found him one day on the Ark with a few cuts on his wrist and cleaned him up, but she didn't tell anyone. She knew it wouldn't help, since he'd have to pay for more treatment with his rations, which he barley had any of. So, she kept quiet and just told him to come to her if he ever felt like doing it again. He never Did go back to her.

"I always wear my jacket. And when I'm not I make sure it's dark." Murphy says then stares at Bellamy some more, "When we have sex, I always keep the lights off. Not to have Some sort of mood set, but it's so you don't see the damn scars. The scars on my arm, the one son my back and chest, all of them."

"You dont have to hide from me anymore. I love you, and this isn't going to change anything. Well, a few things might change. I'll help you find other things to make it so you don't do this, I'll go WITH you when you have to get space from everyone. I'll be there whenever you feel like doing it, and if you do end up doing it I'll be right there. Right there to clean you up." Bellamy says looking into Murphys eyes.

Murphy feels so lucky. He finally found the person that will love him no matter what. The man who will hold him when times get tough. A man who wont judge him for the things he's done. The man who supports his decisions and will try to help him make better ones without treating him badly. He found a man who'll cry over him. A man that will kill, and die for him. A man who will never yell at him for his self destructive behavior, but instead help him get past it.

"I Love You, Too."

[thegeminisage]

i swear i’m never going to speak about tlou2 again after this but just to get it out of my system: fuck the church, here’s 95 reasons why (major spoilers below this cut):

merciless torture & execution of a black woman

later in the game you have to fight off a big black dude who KEEPS fighting you even after he should be dead and he gets this really grotesque injuries and idk it just seems like the game went out of their way to make him seem inhuman and monstrous

every black character in this game DIES and i know there aren’t a lot of survivors but only two of the surviving characters were not white. hello.

i hate that half the cast died for literally no reason or than shock value and death being random but i also hate that tommy DIDNT die. ofc i love tommy and i dont want him to die but he survived like a hundred times when a character of color would have died. FUCK that. 2020 is NOT the year

i can’t believe there is actual SLAVE LABOR in tlou2

i hated looking at all those skinny emaciated people i hated looking at all those horrible bodies i hated that the victims look at the camera every time they get strangled i hate that you can kill DOGS

i hate that ellie and joel are fighting when he dies i hate that unfinished anger i hated that ellie suffered so much i hated watching her get skinnier and her eyes more sunken and 

i hated most of all that this game made me hate ellie. she’s a early 20s lesbian with actual onscreen ptsd flashbacks who survived SO MUCH SHIT and is SO ALONE and she’s BARELY FUNCTIONAL like i should have all the sympathy in the world for her and by the end of the game i despised her

like youre gonna cut down someone left up on a post for dead, see that she has been shaved and enslaved and starved and beaten and god knows what else, and then order her to fight you instead of taking herself and her adopted kid out of there. what the fuck

also lmao ellie threatening lev isn’t a much better look than her torturing and executing nora. ok.

also that open ending sucked. i wanted to see dina one more time

anyway the whole thing is misery porn. i get that certain things need teeth and brutality to really hit but by the end of the game i was so overexposed to it and desensitized that i just felt numb. abby, starved almost to death, head shaved, forced to fight for lev’s life, BIT OFF two of ellie’s fingers and it was like. man. i was just waiting for it to be over. and now that it’s over i need like. recuperation. every shred of hope we got was snuffed out. abby didn’t rejoin the fireflies ellie didn’t return to dina and the baby... it was heavy and miserable for the sake of being heavy and miserable with none of the love and kindness that made the misery of the first game worthwhile

a small list of good things:

the game is visually stunning. the music is incredible. the animation is top notch. the attention to detail is incredible. i can tell that absolutely no expense was spared

ellie’s ptsd was very like...realistically portrayed. fwiw

a lot of characters of color die horribly at an unfair ration compared to the white characters but at least this game actually HAS characters of color

the intimate character interactions were still good. abby and lev, ellie and dina, and most of all ellie and joel. i cried two times and both times it was during the ellie and joel interactions but i’m kind of angry they exploited that bond to get that emotion out of me

they had the bones of a really good story in here i think. they really did. what he was trying to say about violence is right. but it’s a shame we don’t get to see it handled with a more subtle touch

[elizawright]

My experience with Aspergers

OCD and Anorexia 2/2:

Right now the painful part, this is probably the most difficult to talk about because it’s still so fresh and still very much active in my daily life. My Anorexia story I would say officially began around December 2018 however as I’ve mentioned before I’ve always struggled with eating. It started as just being a very fussy kid, in my early teen years I used to obsessive compulsively diet extremely strictly for periods of time. I think this in itself could be considered Anorexia or at least I was at the very edge of being. A year later I would completely 180, over eat and put on a lot of weight. A year later from that I would once again strictly diet this time making myself throw up if i “over ate” in my mind or ate something “bad”. I distinctly remember being 14 on holiday in Florida. My family kept encouraging me to eat fruit loops for breakfast (I would only eat bran flakes) and of course I desperately wanted to but it was very scary to me. So I did eat them one day and being 14 and uneducated on food I had a panic. Though I was panicking I didn’t ever tell anyone Insted I hid away, found a toilet and forced myself to throw up. Now this is years before I was officially diagnosed with an eating disorder but to me, this doesn’t seem healthy. Looking back I feel quite sorry for little me feeling I had to hide away and be sneaky, I wish I had told my mum how I was feeling, but I didn’t. Anyway, back to my official timeline. So 2018 was the year I did my gcses, it was a different year, I was so focused on my studies I began to over eat as a coping mechanism, this caused me to put on quite a bit of weight. Now I was never really fat but i was overweight, I would guess 13 stone (to put in comparison, when diagnosed with anorexia 6 months later I was 7 stone something, that’s a loss of 5 stone). In November that year I got my lovely boyfriend. When we first started dating I felt quite ashamed that I weighed more than him. Of course he didn’t care, I don’t think he even ever thought of it, he just liked me for me, but the intrusive thoughts which are oh so common to me told me otherwise. I began to notice in the morning my belly looked it’s flattest which I figured was because I hadn’t put any food in my stomach making it bloat so I began not eating in the mornings. If I was going to see my boyfriend who obviously as a young teen at the start of a relationship I wanted to impress I wouldn’t eat. I wouldn’t eat while I was around him then as soon as I got home I would eat as normal. This is where it all began. My boyfriend used to recall to my mom “she never eats breakfast and never eats at my house! I try and feed her but she just won’t eat.”

So like I said life carried on like this for a few months, I didn’t loose a massive amount of weight, maybe half a stone, but things changed drastically after a holiday to Egypt. On the first day I was struggling and obsessing over my appearance as usual, obsessing over every roll I could see. Looking back now I looked great! I had big boobs and hips, but at the time I didn’t see any of that all I saw was fat. Well the next day after this I caught a really bad case of the flu. I was bed ridden for the entire rest of the week barely well enough to get home. As we were in Egypt we had no way of getting any medication at all not even paracetamol so I was completely wiped out, it was the worst illness I’ve ever faced were literally everything that could happen, happened. Now because of this I didn’t eat for the entire week.

Once I arrived home and I began the process of analysis of my body as per usual I noticed I had lost weight. I put two and two together realising a week of not eating made me really quickly drop a ton of weight. The cogs began turning and I told myself the short amount of pain (being the hunger) my future self would thank me for. So I began restricting. Using the bike analogy it began at a quick pace but slowly got faster and faster. Soon I was eating no more than 400 calories a day, anymore than that and I would get depressed and anxious and stressed (for comparison the average women needs 2000 calories a day just to maintain weight) I was terrified of nearly all foods. Butter, bread, literally everything I can think of. I weighed out everything out to the T never eating a full packet of something. Which if I’m honest, I still do weigh everything, I also still count calories obsessively. This is what I mean by I’m not fully recovered I’m a lot better, but still suffering and fighting.

Now at this point my mental and physical health began to really suffer. I was normally really good at school getting outstanding grades in gcses but now with a levels I wasn’t able to get work completed or done, I couldn’t concentrate, I would fall asleep in class because I was tierd constantly, I wasn’t my normal talkative enthusiastic self because I was so drained of all energy I’m honestly so shocked my teachers didn’t make more of an effort to help me. I remember one time a teacher telling me I looked very ill and pale so forced me to eat a banana they had brought for their own lunch which was a struggle for me to do. Luckily for me a teacher i still dont know reported to the head of sixthform about being worried for me. They had been gone 3 months and within coming back had noticed the drastic change in weight I had had. It goes to show how much weight I lost as I was always wearing baggy clothes to hide it and she still noticed. Now that I’m mentioning it all my clothes were massively oversized because I no longer fit my entire wardrobe. I would try and wear stuff like leggings as they made me feel comfortable and happy in myself but my head of sixthform would shout at me and force me to change. I recall a few teachers and students coming to me asking if I was alright as they had noticed my rapid weight loss, I told them it was just stress. I was completely in denial I had tricked myself into thinking it was normal, I have no idea how I even lasted as long as I did at sixthform like this. So as the story goes I got taken into the teds team which is a recovery center for children with eating disorders

I was extremely reluctant to go, I was stand off ish and rude to the doctors and my family which is something that is not in my nature at all. Looking back all they wanted to do was help me but at the time I thought everyone was against me were trying to trick me into being fat. This was clearly the anorexia talking and not me, it was completely in control. While there I was freezing cold so they had to turn the fan off. I was honest as I could be and told them most of what I previously told you but it still didn’t actually sound like a concern to me. I down played it as much as a could because I didn’t want anyone’s help. I can still remember that horrible feeling of being so stubborn and refusing to even acknowledge what the people around me were saying I was so caught up in the anorexic trap. Now about a year ago from this I had been previously weighed as I had started a new version of medication, like I said I weighed in at around 85kg, 13 stone. I got weighed again on this day and was in the 7 stones, I had lost nearly 6 stone in 3 months. That’s crazy looking back at. I was told if I didn’t turn myself around soon my periods would stop and I would have to go into hospital to be force fed. They warned me as I was in the hight of my teenage development i was right at the edge of doing permanent growth, brain and fertility damage. I love children and can’t wait to be a mother someday and I really highly value my intelligence so this was the kick up the bum I needed to start my recovery. I came back a week later to create an eating plan and in that time I had dropped another couple of pounds in just a week. I was very stubborn during the hour we spent making an eating plan, we pretty much fought back and forth me and the doctor disagreeing on everything, the eating disorder had complete control over my mind and I was pretty much in auto pilot. Eventually we came to an agreement which I still was very reluctant to follow, but I had worked out the calorie intake and it felt at level that was “safe” for me. I was also just happy to not have to worry about making food anymore as my mum was now in charge or making everything I eat. Before this I was eating on average a banana, half a packet of cuscus and a plain piece of brown bread without butter and a spoon full of baked beans with no sauce. On top of this I drank an unhealthy amount of coffee, so much I became addicted, to help me loose weight, keep me full and give me the energy I didn’t have.

I remember so vividly the first day I followed this new eating routine my stomach had shrunk so small I was physically in pain by the end of the day. I was to eat 2 spoons of yogurt in the morning, an egg sandwich at lunch on brown bread, an apple, half a dinner and one weatabix at night. By the weatabix I was in physical pain from being so full. But I pushed through it. A week later I had still lost weight but not as much as the normal rate went. This is when I was told I had to add in extra and I reacted terribly. I flat out refused to follow it anymore and said I was quitting the program. For a few months I refused to follow the new program sticking to the old one I felt safe with and still lost weight with. With things like anorexia it’s something I feel can never be solved by anyone else it’s something you have to do yourself. I think I improved just overtime by chatting with the teds team and the dietitian and educating myself. This next part of my journey is kind of difficult to talk about as I don’t remember it much, I was so tired and drained it’s all kind of disappeared from my memory. Eventually through education I began to slowly add things to my eating plan. I added crisps (but only under the condition they were healthy ones under 100 calories) changed the yogurt to 2 weatabix as it was easier to measure and less of a “scary food” to me.

So yeah, since this is just a short (at least as short as I can make it) synopsis of my journey I’m just going to skip to now. Some day maybe I’ll talk about the one and a half year gap there is between then and now but that would take too long for the moment. Now I am still suffering with eating. I’ve put on a bit of weight but I’m still classed as underweight. I still follow a very strict daily routine with what I eat, I still weigh things out, I still calorie count, I still analyse my body but I am a hell of a lot better than a year ago. I still struggle when it comes to eating “fatning” of “sugary” foods but on occasion I do eat them. I try and eat something every day like a breakfast bar or granola bar. Although I am a lot better now, I’m mostly tortured by the anorexic intrusive thoughts.

I struggle oddly with extreme hunger! Something I hadn’t felt at all while I was in critical condition. I did some research and I found out this happens to most recovering anorexics and their body is literally starving and desperate for food. I have been left with loose skin which makes me extremely embarrassed and unhappy, I hope someday to get rid of it as it’s a big factor of my destress. I hope this story can help educate people without eating disorders and give you an incite into our minds. Someday I will go into more detail.

[choking-on-tae]

NCT U Reaction To: Having a lazy day full of cuddles

Author’s Note: I dont think it was requested but Ive been sick (again) :( and in need of cuddles and lots of fluff. I know the U members can switch but these are the ones of BOSS era since that’s one of my favorites.Also I know I said I wouldn’t be updating ‘till mid upcoming week but my laptop was updating and I grew pretty tired of studying so I found the time to finish this. I really hope you’ll like some fluff! 💖 As usual gifs aren’t mine and cr. to the rightful owners.

Taeyong:

This gif is a blessing.Why have I never seen it before?

Taeyong is a pretty cuddly and affectionate person. Just like he’s said multiple times, he’s a lot softer than he seems on stage. He’s actually pretty damn cute so I think he’d be so down for this. They’re also really damn busy so when he does have the day off he’d totally be down for relaxing and cuddling with you. He’d probably wrap a blanket around the both of you before laying his head down on your chest and hugging you tightly. He’s so cuddly oh my god just imagine. 

Doyoung:

The most adorable guy srsly. 

Doyoung would be so happy to just have the day off that he obviously would want some time for himself, but of course he’d spend a lot of time cuddling with you. I see him as someone who really values alone time, simply because he has to share his home with so many other people. Therefor he’d divide his day into spending time with you and spending time by himself. After a while Doyoung grew bored. He basically was out of things to do so he called you over from the living room to come join him to watch a movie. Doyoung instantly snuggled up to you as you gently ran your fingers through his hair.

Jaehyun:

These gifs make me so soft!

Our cute Jaehyunie would love to spend the entire day on the couch tbh. He’d only get up to go to the restroom or to grab something to drink. He simply wanted to stay on the couch the entire time and you couldn’t blame him. If you had a job that was as demanding as his you’d obviously do the same thing. It took a while before you had settled on a movie to watch but when you finally found one Jaehyun pulled you closer to his chest as he held you tightly. You chuckled as you pressed a kiss against his cheek.

Winwin:

Sicheng is a soft boy who surprisingly isn’t too big on skin ship. I mean most of the time he pushes Taeil and Jungwoo away so it’d probably really depend on his mood. If he was feeling tired he’d probably appreciate cuddles and such a lot more because he liked the feeling of your fingers running through his hair as he listened to your heartbeat. Sicheng let out a deep sigh as he felt his body relax.

Jungwoo:

The softest boy in the universe. Kim Jungwoo. Now where do I even start with him? He’s literally so soft and sweet he’d love a full day of cuddles. Once you saw him walking through the door you instantly grabbed a blanket and held it open for him. Jungwoo flashed you a bright smile as he took a seat next to you and basically folded the entire blanket around him. You giggled at his cuteness as you pressed a kiss against his temple, holding him tightly as he snuggled closer to you.

Lucas:

Yukhei is a soft bean and no one can tell me otherwise. This guy secretly really loves cuddles and affection so prepare to be spending the entire day inside. I’m talking about movie marathons, multiple snack breaks and obviously pillow fights. It spontaneously happened when Yukhei playfully hit you with a pillow, not expecting you to respond but when you did a full blown pillow fight broke out. Both of you couldn’t stop laughing until you accidentally hit your cup of tea off of the table. The two of you stared at each other in shock before bursting out into laughter.

Mark:

Mark is cute who seriously is too cute for this world. I think he’d love the idea of spending the entire day cuddling but I think sometime later he’d get pretty bored actually. It wasn’t your fault at all, it was just that Mark’s day is usually full with lots of different stuff and now it wasn’t so he’d want to do some other things as well. Possibly making cookies together although that didn’t work out since Mark is a pretty bad cook. (Sorry Mark but it’s the truth, we still love you a lot don’t worry) but he would love to be able to spend the day with you. During the day he’d randomly come up behind you and press a kiss against your cheek.

[crying-over-supersoldiers]

endgame ramblings

I tried to make a thread on twitter but it would have been awfully long soooo..

This will probably be a mess and I apologize. I also want to say that I stand by this and if anyone comes to my inbox with “BUT ACTUALLY!!!” asks, or trying to start discourse, you’ll be ignored. I don’t have time for that.

Let me start from the bad so we can end on a good note.

THE BAD

Thor. WHat the fuck did they do to youuu?? His glory moment at the last battle was Fantastic, but other than that, he was turned into a tasteless joke. But we been knew the mcu and the writers don’t know shit about PTSD or how to take it seriously.

This is more of a personal note, but I’ve never liked Bruce Banner/Hulk. It’s annoying to me, it’s lame, the bruc/enat agenda just reinforced my hatred to him, his parts/side story were just unnecessary? is it just me? ok.

It kinda peeves me the whole “I found a family (with the avengers)/ u made me a good person” of Natasha (?? don’t quote me on this), when the avengers were never a family to begin with. but lmao, okay. It was used, in my opinion, to give a bigger Emotional depth and shock value to the whole thing.

Steve. Oh boy, here we go.

Steve “you gave me a home” Rogers, Steve “I don’t want to live in the past even if it’s tempting” Rogers (again, don’t quote me on this, I’m relying on memory), Steve “I went to the past and hated it” Rogers? Steve “I cannot back up from a fight” Rogers. Went to the past, and stayed with a girl he met for  couple of weeks??? hIs TruE lOvE???? (if anyone made me hate steg/gy more than the fandom, is the mcu itself).

This is especially fucked up when Steve himself is at the beginning of the movie leading  support group to Move the Fuck On!!!

Am I supposed to believe that that is Steve Rogers? That is, my dudes, with all due respect, bullshit.

it’s just not realistic.gif

WHATEVER

I mean… I gave up on natasha and clint as characters since, probably, day one, soooo. I’m not thrilled they killed Natasha but the mcu didn’t deserve her either.

Clint has been a mess and his Big Arc conclusion ended up being more on the Ultimates!Clint so I’ll just… keep ignoring him as i’ve been doing.

I understand the difficulty of having a fuckton of characters in one movie, without making said movie 6 hours long, but I still would have wished more than one liners from certain characters.

Carol Danvers being there for like 5 minutes, considering she’s probably going to be the New Face of the mcu.

The time travel rules that just...make no sense. Either you alter something (taking out the stones) or you don’t? (going back to live the american dream)?????

???????

the sudden “everyone can touch stones even when we said before u could die if you do”.

WHAT MADE ME CRY

boiii,, BOOOOOIIIIIII here we go

Tony and Nebula? that was cute and great, loved it. nice.

Steve… rushing to Tony,... after he just landed.. to cradle him in his arms… I live off of this crumbs of the Friendship that should have always been.

“I lost the kid” BITCH! superfam!!! he was so so so heartbroken and his physical condition was shit and I lost it.

Pepper, it’s been 84 years, I missed her.

The “I told you so” moment. He fucking told you so!!!!!!!! Tony been knew!!! And no one listened to him. It was so satisfying to see him snap at all of them. Like, yes! Make them feel bad.

Tony invents time travel. Love that for him.

Scott Lang? Surprisingly had a large amount of time and I enjoyed it.

The whole time travel sequences, stevetony undercover in the 70’s? hell yeah. The  battle of NY and America’s Ass? Cap vs Cap? HELL YEAH.

Nebula and Rhodey bonding.

Rocket!! He’s just so *clenches fist* precious and supportive and amazing.

The Big Three! in a single frame, getting ready to fight thanos even when “this is a trap isn’t it?”.

The actual battle that leads to

STEVE!!!! HOLDING MJOLNIR!!! AND THOR’S PROUD SMILE BECAUSE YESS! HE KNEW HE WAS WORTHY, I FUCKING BLACKED OUT FOR A SECOND

THAT INFINITY GAUNTLET MOMENT WHEN IT’S JUST STEVE VS THANOS AND STEVE’S SHIELD IS BROKEN BUT THE LITTLE SHIT JUST WON’T STOP BECAUSE “AS LONG AS ONE MAN STANDS AGAINST YOU, YOU’LL NEVER WIN” (MISQUOTED, AGAIN) (THIS IS WHEN I STARTED SOBBING THAT WAS SO POWERFUL, GOOOOD, THE THANOS  ARMY AND STEVE ALL ALONE THERE THAT’S MY BOY!)

WHEN THE PORTALS STARTED TO OPEN AND ANGEL!SAM APPEARED AND BLACK PANTHER, AND EVERYONE CHEERED!

AND MORE AND MORE CHARACTERS APPEARED AND THANOS WAS LIKE “WHAT?”

RESCUE!!!! PEPPER!!!! SHE DID THAT!!!! I GOT CHILLS

THE WHOLE GAUNTLET RACE

“I AM IRON MAN”

WE CAME FULL CIRCLE, WE CAME FULL CIRCLE

THAT AVENGERS PANEL OF TONY WITH THE GAUNTLET BUT IN BIG SCREEN

Honestly i dont think there could have been a better ending, like, yes, that’s EARTH’S GREATEST DEFENDER, and sacrifices needed to be made, he knew it better than anyone. It just felt fitting.

it even felt like a kinda mirroring to Thanos and his “my destiny completes” kinda thing.

Overall, I feel satisfied with it. As someone who felt absolutely detached from the mcu for the last couple of years, I am surprisingly pleased with how it all ended. I feel like I am finally free.

Would watch again for sure.

If any of you read all this, thanks a lot!

[imaginedanganronpa]

Hi can I request an imagine where Rantaro, Chihiro, Kokichi, Nagito and Miu with a s/o that lived in a country that dont snow and how would they react seeing their s/o really excited seeing snow for the first time?

This prompt was so cute!! I used male pronouns for Chihiro, I know some imagines blogs use they/them but I don’t. Enjoy~

Rantaro Amami, Chihiro Fujisaki, Ouma Kokichi, Nagito Komaeda and Miu Iruma With An S/O Seeing Snow For The First Time!

Rantaro Amami

He’s seen snow plenty of times in his life so it nevercrossed his mind that it may be a big deal to you. If he would’ve thought aboutit then he could’ve planned a big, elaborate date night.

Rantaro always says that the best moments in life are the unpredictablesurprises, and right now you couldn’t agree more.

It was currently early January, just after New Years. You’d spent the Holidayswith his family and you two were walking back home to your cozy littleapartment.

It caught you completely off guard. 

You knew what snow was but had never seen it. You saw it in the movies but youknew that it was much different in real life.

You two were walking, hand-in-hand, through the streets of Japan in the midstof Winter. No one expected it to snow – none of the weather reports said so.

But it happened out of the blue. 

You looked a bit puzzled; “It wasn’t supposed to rain was it?”

Rantaro’s eyes slowly shift upward and a small smile crosses his cheeks. “Idon’t think that’s rain, (Y/N),” he replies.

It was thrilling and you couldn’t possibly contain your excitement. You pullyour hand away from his and cover your mouth, nearly leaping forward. “Is thatsnow? Amami, it’s snowing!” 

He giggled a bit and nods his head. “You’ve never seen snow before, (Y/N)?” Heasks calmly. Shaking your head, he bursts into a wide smile. 

Immediately, he whips his phone out and starts taking candid pictures of you.You looked so beautiful whilst so entranced in the weather. All you could dowas stand in place in the middle of the sidewalk with people walking aroundyou, wondering why you looked so surprised.

But you didn’t care – this was a magical moment.

Rantaro loved taking photos of you when you least expect it. Times like thiswere the moments where you can’t fake a smile and when you look the happiest.

“This is a moment I’ll remember forever,” you say with a bright expression.Rantaro nods in agreement.

By the time you get home, the ground is covered. Rantaro teaches you how to build a snowman, make snow angels, and you end up staying out until it got dark just enjoying one another’s company. 

Chihiro Fujisaki

Your relationship got pretty serious very quickly. Youstarted dating around September, and you were already meeting the family withinthe first three months.

His family liked you so much that they invited you to spend Christmas withthem. Chihiro’s family usually went to a secluded part of Japan for theHolidays since it felt more personal. Of course you go with him.

You loved spending time with him and his family because you felt so welcomed.There wasn’t anything that could make this Holiday Season better.

Exchanging gifts was a blast – you loved seeing his emotional and cheerfulreaction to your gift. In return, Chihiro went all out to get you something he thought wasperfect. 

His family also adored decorating so the whole house looked like Christmasexploded within it.

Stockings lined the fireplace, wreaths and tinsel were strewn everywhere, andof course they had a huge tree. Snow-globes also lined the shelf where thestockings hung. 

Staring at them intently, Chihiro eyed you from across the room. “What are youlooking at, (Y/N)?”

You felt a bit discouraged, lazily shaking them and watching the fake snowstorm within the glass ball. “Nothing really.” 

You went on to explain that you’d never seen snow fall before and that was onyour bucket-list. Chihiro frowned for a moment before stepping towards thewindow. You heard him gasp and felt his hand wrap around yours.

It couldn’t have been more perfect timing. Just as you said that, a flurry ofsnow hit the house. 

Chihiro leads you outside and starts jumping for joy. For a moment, you werefloored – completely shocked. You’d always wanted a white Christmas, but you never thought you’d actually get it!

“It’s snowing!” You cheer and your boyfriend continues to laugh and collapse inthe snow. Your eyes are glued to the sky as it relentlessly falls harder as eachminute passes.

You felt your heart race and happy tears start to stream down your cheeks. Thistruly felt like a dream come true. Chihiro had never seen you so happy, and hewrapped his arms around you gleefully. Tears of his own started to form becausehe loved seeing you like this.

This has truly been the best Christmas you’d ever had.

Ouma Kokichi

He knew how badly you wanted to see snow in real lifebecause you told him all the time. In return, Ouma teased you. 

“It’s just snow, (Y/N)! It’s nothing special!”

Shaking your head, you insisted that he just doesn’t understand. 

For your anniversary, Ouma had taken you on a weekend trip to the city. Herented a romantic hotel with a balcony in the heart of the city and spoiled youfrom sunrise to sundown. You couldn’t see any way this could be more perfect.

It was cold outside so you had to bundle up – that was the only negative sideto his plans.

The night was still young but the sun had finally finished going down. Now, allthe lights were on and the city was lively. 

Ouma walks up behind you and wraps his arms around your waist, placing his chinon your shoulder, and gazes up into the darkness with you. 

“It’s beautiful,” you say, “You really outdid yourself~ I don’t think thiscould get better.”

He grins and restrains his giggles. “I know one way… you’ll just have to see~”

Confused, you shoot him a glare before feeling a droplet land on your skin. Youturn with irritation since you knew it wasn’t supposed to rain and didn’t want that to ruin anything.

That was until you see white flakes falling from the sky. You gasp and breakfrom his grip. An elated feeling erupts from within you as you watch the snowstart falling at a more rapid pace.

“Kokichi, look!” You point, your eyes glistening with amazement. He’s grinningfrom ear to ear and approaches you once again, sliding his arm around the small of your back. “I know, (Y/N)… I knew it was going to snow. That’s why I took you here –so you could have the perfect view.”

It may not be a big deal in the grand scheme of things, but this was anexperience of a lifetime. A lot of people get to experience snow when they arechildren so they don’t hold value to it like you did.

“I thought you said there was nothing special about snow?”

He shrugs his shoulders. “Well, it’s not but I know how important it is to you,and I remember the first time I saw snow; I wanted you to experience that, too,”Ouma hesitates briefly, “it may not be special, but you are, and so is thismoment.”

Nagito Komaeda

He may not show it all the time, but Nagito is a bigromantic and he loves planning surprises for his significant other. 

That’s why he often took you on spontaneous road-trips and adventures, no plans,no hesitations. That was part of the thrill while you’re young. 

One evening, he decided that you were going to do something special justbetween the two of you.

Nagito approached you calmly and takes your hand, telling you he had an idea inhis head. He hasn’t taken you on an adventure in quite some time now so youwere due for one.

He drives you out of the city and to a more isolated area with a country feel.It was your escape from the stress of life and school for the weekend. 

He’d secretly rented a small cottage in the forest, atop a hill. It was quiteromantic, really.

Since it was so spontaneous and random, you had no time to really plan or pack –that included checking the weather. 

You two loved the seclusion even if it was just for a few days. You each neededa break from the real world.

On the morning of the last day you would spend there, Nagito had woken up earlyto prepare breakfast in bed. He brought you all of your favorites as well as ahot chocolate. 

You stay snuggled up in bed, cozy and warm. He places a small kiss on your lipsand glances outside. 

“(Y/N), have you ever seen snow before?” He asks out of the blue. 

Quizzically, you raise a brow and shake your head. It was true, you were from amore humid country that rarely saw snowfall and hadn’t in the entirety of yourstay there. The closest you’ve got to see snow in real life was fake snowmachines in the Mall during December. 

You slowly sit up and glance out the window, your jaw dropping. The ground wascovered in a sheet of white and it was continuing to fall even now; it musthave started overnight.

Excitedly, you jump out of bed and wrap a blanket around you, storming outside.Nagito closely follows and calls for you, laughing as you go. 

He’d never seen you so excited before. You felt like a kid again, as you felttears start forming on your lashes, and you’re bounding out the door with excitement and wonder. You couldn’t believe it! 

It was more beautiful in real life than it was in the movies. Watching you fall so in love with the outdoors and beauty of nature became Nagito’s favorite sight, and he watched you with a small grin on his face.

Nagito quickly gets dressed and follows you closely, forming a snowball andtossing it at you. You spent the rest of the day playing outside in thebeautiful Winter wonderland.

Miu Iruma

It was a cold Winter afternoon in Japan. You two werewalking back to your home from Hope’s Peak, hand-in-hand.

You took the long route back today because you wanted to bask in thebeauty of nature. It was gray and foggy, which was your favorite kind ofweather. 

A part of you hoped that it would snow because you’ve never seen it before. Miuknew this, and she couldn’t believe it at first. You were from a distantcountry where it was hot all the time so she couldn’t wrap her head around thedifferences in climate. 

Maybe she took snow for granted, though Japan has had a dry season as far assnow goes. It’s been years since the last snowfall, and that was before youmoved here.

As you two made your way through the streets and back roads, something happenedthat you didn’t expect. 

You were talking about anything and everything when the first snowflake fell.It touched your skin and sent shivers down your spine.

“What’s wrong?” Miu asked, concerned. You shrugged your shoulders and glancedupwards. What you saw caused you to stop dead in your tracks. 

Miu gasped as well, sharing the beautiful moment with you. Neither of you hadchecked the forecast all day. Though, she ruined the moment; “I’m not fuckin’dressed for snow!”

She pauses and stops complaining when she sees the giant smile on your face andcan’t help but to break out into her own. Your eyes were sparking with joy and pure excitement and your inner childlike essence came out to play.

Needless to say, your walk home got sidetracked. 

You two spent plenty of time admiring the snow. Miu found a nearby bench whereyou perched yourselves. You sat in complete silence, grinning from ear-to-earthe whole time. 

“It’s even more beautiful than I ever could have imagined…” you trail off andhold your trembling palms out for snow to fall on your skin. It melts almostimmediately which bums you out a little.

“Almost as beautiful as you.”

You two sit there long enough for the ground and bare trees to be coated inwhite. Miu was shaking but it was so worth it to see your reaction – she’d doanything to make you this happy.

So, she silently admired your beauty while you were fascinated with the sky.She even took the time to write out “I ♡ (Y/N)” in thesnow, which made you giggle.

- Mod Rantaro

[aheartyouonceknew]

The Love that nearly destroyed me.

This is a detailed account of my experience of my love with a blogger and ex fiance, this is my story.

 (please forgive any grammatical errors)

A bit of back story, i met her through a family member. When we first met were attracted to each other almost instantly. We drove to Vegas and saw all the casino's and had a blast. As time went on we both grew even more attracted to each other and before the end of the first night we couldn’t keep our hands off each other. On the second night we are getting ready to go out and I am looking in the mirror and I jokingly tease 'would you date me? Id date me' while doing a silly flex.  

'what are you gay or something?' She asks me.

'I say no im 100% sure im straight but I have made out with guys before and realised it wasn’t for me.'

She goes wide eyed and freezes up. I ask her what's wrong, but she refuses to look at me or even touch me. I then realised she actually may be homophobic, and I tell her im not gay. She is stone cold. I then realised she as a practicing Christian, that this was a big no no for her.

I tell her that’s all in the past, and that I am comfortable with who I am. She refuses to speak to me or look at me, so i give up and I leave the room upset. 

Later that night after dinner, I see her again, she tells me not to talk about it again and we should just forget about it. We have a blast in Vegas, get very drunk. We have this amazing connection and attraction towards her. Sadly the trip had to end but we both decide to meet again.

A couple of days later i meet in her home town in a motel, met her little one and it was fantastic. That same night i get a message from my ex gf asking how my trip was. She glares at me, demanding to know who I was talking to. I panic and casually tell her 'just an old friend.' She demands to know who it is and asks me for my phone. I oblige, she tgen scrolls and see's old texts of my ex and i.

She flips out.

Bare in mind this was less then a week of knowing each other. I didn’t even get a chance to delete my Tinder (to which she saw). I tried to explain to her that this was all moving so fast and I hadnt had the time to sort all these things or even consider them at the time.

So we are in the motel room and she flips out, grabbing her things and is ready to leave. Im on my knee's telling her im sorry etc. She looks at me and asks me what I am willing to do to be with her. I say anything. She says 'ok delete and create a new facebook'.

Im shocked, over 10 years of memories and family photos? Gone?

I tell her I cant do that cause those were too sentimental.

She then decides she wants me to block and delete any female friends I had a relationship sexual or non sexual, she then demands I delete my Snapchat and Instagram accounts. I obliged.

The next thing I regret doing so the most, is to my ex gf of mine.

She tells me to message her, and tell her that I don’t ever want to talk to her ever again (within those terms). I did so, and I felt like a scumbag for hurting thst poor girl that did nothing ill towards me.

After a long hours talk of me asking for forgiveness, we make up.

A week later she decides to bring herself and her little one to my mums house to feel how we are together. My dream is to be a father and I would love her child like my own. 

So we are at the house and it was the most perfect week of my life, it was bliss and I knew I wanted this. After the week ended I then realised I had one week left. We were both devastated as I had to fly back to Bali to work for my dad. I then wanted to prove my commitment to her (because I was in love with her at the time) .

So that night I went into my backyard while she was in the living room and dressed up in a black suit and lit an array of candles in my back yard.  I messaged her to come out, and I was standing there, she smiled beautifully and kept laughing, I grabbed her by the had and said, 'I may not have much right now, so I cant give you a ring. But what I can give you is a promise that I want to share my life with you.' I then turned to her little one and gave a solem vow to protect her and care for her as my own. 

The next day we contact her parents, and they are shocked and scared. Everything is happening so quickly, too quickly they say. But after a long talk, the father and mother gave me their blessing. I promised to take care of their daughter and gave them my word. Lots of tears of joy were shed. 

The day arrives when I have to leave, I take the plane back and meet my dad and step mum. I told my dad that I was engaged and he gives me this sour look, 'you only knew her for less then a month, what do you know of love?'.

My dad had promised me work to build echo friendly villas, to which he promised me a stable income in which I could provide for her and her little one when they were here. 

What my dad didn’t tell me was that a deal he had fell through, and that the money that was supposed to come in to build the resort wont be available so the resort building is postponed.  He tells me I can work for him as a manager, but will only pay me when the business starts to take off and I show my worth.  

I am furious.

I had this whole plan that I was relying on my dad, I believed in him to keep his word. Now that it had fell through not only did I feel like I lied to her but her family as well. I asked my dad would it be ok if she was welcome to come live here? 

 He said of course, I'll support her in any way I can. So I talked to my Fiance and she asks 'will he buy us the tickets?As I already spent hundreds of dollars on passports and luggage.'

 I tell her he said any way he can.

 I then have a conference call with my dad and fiance. My fiance asks when can he book the tickets for the trip?

I never said that he says.

He explains when he will support her anyway he can means when she gets here with her own money. (take in mind I left my old job in australia and have $0 to my name) So another lie in her eyes and to her family.

 I talk to my dad and I tell him, if she cant be here then Im going back to the US, he says ok. ‘If you really love her I'll pay for your ticket’. I tell her about me going back, she asks if there is anything I can do to make some money?  I tell her I have my camera and gopros that I could sell. She says 'good sell them' I hesitate, the camera's have sentimental value as they were the first gift my dad ever sent me. She then takes my hesitation as a message of unloyalty. She then yells abuse at me over and over, repeating my faults and telling her of her willingness to sacrifice everything. (to which I understand).

 I then promise her to sell the cameras to get my tickets to the US as my dad has proven unreliable. But I hold back from selling the camera's, I don’t tell her about this as I am hoping my dad will follow through.

That night my dad is upset at me for coming here and giving up on the family for '' some chick in the US''. I felt torn on both ends, but I do love my fiance and I will fight for her. He tells me if that’s the case then I ill receive no support from him. 

 Later that night I responded to all the well wishes of the engagement, an old french high school friend (who is a lesbian) contacted me. I say thank you beautiful as I nickname her beautiful as I have always done. I then get a phone call of my fiance yelling at me saying I shouldn’t compliment any girl, and that I should be her main focus. I try to explain my reasoning but she wouldn’t listen so again I apologies and accept defeat.

 A couple of days go by and my fiance asks if I had posted the cameras, I said not yet but I am doing so now. More hurled abuse, more fighting. I post the camera's and get terrible prices for them that would barely get me to the US.

 Later that night my fiance calls me up, she is so happy. My mum and her have decided to pitch in to get me here, and that I can sell the camera's in the US for a better price. And that it would be best if we move to Australia together and when I get settled I can pay her and my mum back for the ticket.

But there was a catch,

I have to leave the next night. My fiance urges me to tell my dad of me leaving but I don’t. I hold off in telling my dad at the last second as he had my passport in holding, I feared he would refuse to give me my passport and not let me leave.

When i finally have the passport in my hands i decode to break the news to him.

He is devastated.

I then feel sorry for him and I give him one of my best go pro's to use for his surfing and that he can pay me whatever feels right. So later that night I fly to the US.

Once I arrived, we finally met. She decided to stay at my mothers house while my mother was in paris on a holiday, it would just be me and her.  

It was as if a day had not gone by, the same feelings arose and all was well. I took care of her little one by changing the diapers, feeding, and playing. I was in bliss, I wanted to prove to her and show her I could do this. One thing that I never told her was I did feel a lot of shame how I left things with my dad, and I was quite upset, but I put on a smile whenever I could. Later that day i get a message from my dad and found out my dad decided to just pay me $100 ¼ of what the camera was worth, i kind of minded on the sale being so cheap.  

She also was not happy, she yells at me, demanding that I pay her the money I owe her by selling the camera's. The next day I successfully sell part of my camera sets and pay her back and she is happy.

 One day I am feeling very horny, I tease her and I am extra affectionate towards her. I tell her she is beautiful and does this to me and that I am so lucky to have a girl like her. As the day goes by I am still like a dog on heat. She leads me to the bed room. I get super excited and playful, she then pushes me away and says 'im going to masturbate now.'  Im like 'awesome sure let me help'.

‘No, I dont want you touching me but we can masturbate side by side’.

At first I thought she was joking, but at the same time I am extremely hurt.

I think to myself...

 'Did I do anything wrong?'

'Is she still attracted to me?'

So I am visibly upset I get up and put my clothes on and leave the room.  After about 20 minutes she comes out and I am still upset at her.  I tell her Im just going to lie down for a bit, she lays next to me and asks if im ok and apologises for not wanting to sleep with me as she wasnt feeling well. I then tell her don’t worry about it, I'll get over it.  I then jokingly told her that I kinda went to lie down so I could masturbate as I needed to release myself.

 She then leaves the room. I then emerge from the room relaxed and satisfied. She is scowling at me packing her bags.... She is furious that I decided to masturbate and demanded if I masturbated to other girls or to porn? 

I am in disbelief as I felt like there were some double standards.  It’s the hotel room all over again, I beg for her not to leave, but she decides to stay.

 *Just a note, I respect a women's choice to refuse sex to a man if she doesn’t feel like it. But I cant help to feel upset.*

 A couple of days go by my mother returns from paris and she goes back to her home town. We both plan on me visiting her family and me staying at her dads or sisters house while there. Unfortunately they both said they couldn’t house me.  She then asks to sell the rest of the gear so I could rent a motel for us to stay. I agree. After the phone call i talk to my mum and tell her everything, my mum says that its only fair i pay her back as well, since i did so with Carolyn.

Yet again I am at a crossroads, but I made a promise to pay my mother back so I agreed to pay my mum. I told my fiance that I will still be seeing her but I would only stay for during the day as I cant afford the motel. She is furious, 'what about the money from the camera gear?' I try to explain to her. But she refuses to listen. Yelling above my voice not giving me a chance to speak she tells me not to come, and that she is sick of the empty promises I never fulfil.  She removes our engagement status and blocks me on all forms of social media.

 I am devastated, im a heaping sobbing mess to my mum. I love her I really do....I cry. I decided to accept things as they were, so I decided to install Tinder (more to which to heal my wounds and insecurities of being dumped). With the app installed im staring at the swipe screen, and I just cant do it. So I uninstall the app.

 I decided to heal the bridges I destroyed and contacted my old ex. I call her just telling her i was sorry for what I had said/done. 

 'You really hurt me, you really really hurt me' she cried. I cried.

 'But I forgive you, because I don’t believe in holding onto hate.' I cry again.

  After the talk I felt better that she accepted my apology, but sad knowing things may never be as they were. But it felt good to hear her laugh again.

Later that night I was trying to relax when I get a phone call. 

Its my now ex fiance. 

 I ask her what does she want? She then tells me she didn’t feel like things ended correctly and wanted to make things right. I had enough 

Correctly? None of this has ended correctly. I yell.

 I tell her that the real reason she is calling is to mask this guilt, I told her I did my best with the cards I was dealt but it was never enough. But to know I at least tried and never gave up on her. The real person who is given up is you. 

 I then hung up. (and yes that was dramatic as it was in the heat of the moment).

 She calls me back, and I ask her. Do you really love me?  Yes shes tells me. My heart ache's.

I then tell her that i love her and that I will see her tomorrow to have a real talk.

 The next day I take the train to see her, she hops out of the uber and is skipping towards me in a joyful mood. Im cold and numb by this point, i have an emotional barrier up. She hugs me, kissing my arm etc.  

'Lets talk.'

We go into the café and sit across from each other in an awkward silence.  I tell her I am doing the best I can, and that I believe once I am in control of my own life in Australia we can finally have a normal life. She tells me she loves me and wants that too. She wants things to work, and I really felt like she does.  We make up and everything is perfect again, but then she stops and has this smile...Like she is looking forward to something. 

She then asks, 'Did you install Tinder?' 

 I am completely caught off guard and blurt out 'no', as I uninstalled the app. She pulls out the phone in this satisfied smile and ask 'then whats this?' Showing my tinder profile.

 I tell her that yes, i installed it but never used it. 

 'have you been talking to any other girls on social media?'

 I decided to tell the truth.

‘Yes, my ex...but only to sa-’,She then gets up and leaves

 'if your talking to her again why don’t you just be with her.' And she walks out.

 And that’s when I felt like I was done, emotionally just done.

A couple weeks have gone by, and she's moved on.

 Although I do look her up from time to time, I am glad that she is happy, I decided to tell this story because I felt like this is part of my healing process. I really did love her. But i dont think she ever loved me.

 I felt like she loved the idea of me being a father role, but never really loved me.

 She is a hypocrite in most cases on her stances towards men, but that is her reality. I respect her beliefs and her views to empower women but at the same time its contradictory, I dont judge her on her stance towards homosexuality or if religious views.

 I moved my life for a love that never deserved or appreciated me, the control factor is scary. The mind games of her holding onto that tinder info waiting to use it on me like a loaded gun showed me she enjoys the control over men. 

 But don’t get me wrong, this poor girl has been through so much and I understand her distrust towards men (its why I put up with everything). At the same time I do feel sorry for her because of the men in her past has left her broken, its the sad fact of one persons crazy is another persons reality. 

If any of you that read this, that has suffered from emotional abuse please dont  hesitate to reach out.