#again I've never watched a try guys video in my life but this is killing me

[jacobglaser]

"I lost focus and had a consensual workplace relationship" is one of the funniest excuses for cheating I've ever heard. Sorry I just zoned out for a minute and when I came to I was balls deep in a colleague.

[zvtara-was-never-canon]

https://www.tumblr.com/caramel-ribbons/720001793861533696/i-just-watched-avatar-for-the-first-time-all-the?source=share

what do you think of this post? i found it kind of.. weird, in the way it talked about her relationship with team avatar compared to her relationship with zuko

It started out okay, turned into a train-wreck REAL fast.

I can understand being annoyed at how people will make fun of something like Katara bringing up her mom a lot, especially if these people don't do that for any other character when they ALL bring up their traumas a lot, but the way it quickly escalated into "Actually, Katara was right in telling her brother he didn't love their mom like she did" was honestly one of the most disgusting things I've read by anyone in this fandom - which is saying a lot.

Also, once again the complete bullshit claims of "The Gaang and Aang in particular never try to be there for Katara, emotionally, like she was for them."

Considering this person mentioned disliking videos that frame the entire show as just Katara being a bitch towards poor, friendzoned nice guy Aang, I would not be surprised if they let this dumb edits drastically affect how they see completely innocent Kataang moments as being something they weren't OR that they had already read Zutara "metas" (aka wildly out of character fanfic) and formed their opinion on these dynamics looooong before they actually watched the show.

People really gotta stop focusing on what the FANDOM does when they are talking about how CHARACTERS behave towards each other. Yes, some fans are sexist and hate Katara for the "crime" of being a female character - that does not mean the Gaang forced her into the role of being their mom/caretaker/therapist.

Sokka is CONSTANTLY trying to be useful the group. Toph learned to open up and clearly enjoyed spending time with Katara, even if it was to do things she did not want to do at first (you TRY dragging Toph to a spa and have people touch her feet after she explicitly said that was the one thing they were not allowed to do. See how fast you get crushed by a rock).

And Aang - oh my God, AANG. That boy was all about trying to make Katara happy from day one. They played together, he offered to go with her to the Northern Water Tribe so she could become a pro-waterbender, would always apologize to her whenever he did something wrong, explicitly told her she gave him hope (mirroring how she had hope the Avatar would save the world), was in complete awe after she literally brought him back to life, fucking blew up a factory with her, and tried to stop her from making a big mistake and sacrificing what was left of her innocence by killing a (admitedly AWFUL) man - yes, Zutarians, NOT letting your friend do something they'll regret IS being a good friend and thinking of what's best for them, sorry not sorry.

THE WHOLE REASON Katara is so emotionally attached to Aang and wants to be there for him whenever he needs anything is because HE ALLOWED HER TO BE A KID AND HAVE FUN AGAIN.

You'd think so called "Katara fans" would be able to understand such a simple concept that she verbally explains to us IN THE FIRST DAMN EPISODE!

Anyone that claims Aang didn't love and support Katara just as much as she did him is either misremembering the show, in deep denial, or just flat out lying to you.

[testure-1988]

Hi, I'm really sorry for the situation you're in. I really hope this isn't unwelcome, but I hope that you can incorporate some security routines into your day to day life because this guy is clearly very dangerous.

Please feel free to reach out to me, or tell me to go away!

Hi. I don't think I have to worry about him. He lives 14 hours away from my vicinity. But yeah, I never realized how bad he is and just how far he'd take it. If I were heartbroken (and I've repeatedly told him I'm not interested), I'd try to heal, move on, and know it's not worth it) but he was hanging onto me to try and change my mind when I just wanted to be friends. I wouldn't try and set myself on fire (and post a video saying goodbye on Instagram)! That's beyond fucked up. The dude barely knew me! You'd think he text me about it, not post a public video online for all of his followers to see! That's extremely childish (and he's a 52 year old ) He did visit me last month, but I was with my family, and I enjoyed hanging out with him (despite spraining my ankle & foot...he was a big help with making sure I was comfortable after my fall, which I appreciated). We had all the same interests (music, movies, etc.). I'd always text him, and we'd watch movies online; it was lovely. But he'd always act like I was his psychiatrist; he'd be fighting with his dad or with his ex-roommate (who made off with $150,000 of his expenses), and then he'd just always talk negatively about himself and about how shit his life is/that he should've been aborted (he DID have a horrible life growing up cause his dad is/was an abusive shithead loser who beat him & his mother and spent all of the household expenses on gambling). I'd constantly be worried sick over him, and it was starting to wear me out mentally (he was thrown into prison for a month. I had no idea what the hell happened to him, so I was constantly stressed out 24/7 thinking he was dead). He didn't want an actual therapist to help him. Then we fought last year, and on the same day, his dog was hit by a car. He tried shooting his brains out (he missed); now, he attempted suicide again. The consequences of what he's done now are lifelong if he doesn't pass away (he said he was informed he had a few weeks left, but I don't know if that was bullshit to manipulate me cause he was still trying to get me to date him, even after he sent me insulting texts). I don't want to date someone and worry about them committing suicide if we ever broke up. I don't need that in my life and if the other person did kill themselves, then I'd be wracked with guilt for the rest of my fucking life. Straight cis-men & saying no, name a worse duo.

He's going to be put into psychiatric care, and I hope he gets the help he needs.

[lunatic-pudge]

Hello! I just wanna throw my two cents in about the Postal/TCC stuff going on. I'm also gonna use this post to be honest and transparent about my experience with TCC as well.

Back when I was about 16, I was into true crime. I basically grew up learning about it cause my family would watch true crime shows and me, and my siblings had unrestricted internet access also.

Now, back when I started getting into it, this site was brimming with TCCers, people constantly worshipping serial killers and school shooters. And I'll admit it, I fell down the rabbit hole as well. It was a very short lived, but strong attachment I grew to Columbine, especially Eric Harris. I believe it came from a place of loneliness. Being an outcast and not really having friends, it made me feel like I had a connection to him. But I never wanted to hurt people.

Thankfully, I grew out of it pretty quick when I found myself in a weird situationship with a guy who I should've never talked to, but thanks to him, I snapped out of it. I feel so horrible for being so into TCC. It's my biggest regret, and I cringe when remembering it.

Seeing the state of the Postal fandom now with TCCers trying to worm their way in brings back the cringe memories. RWS has always said that violence should stay in video games. They'd be disappointed if they saw this mess. I know RWS aren't the best of people, but they understand that this shit isn't okay. We need to do better as a fandom and not allow these people in. Dude isn't a school shooter. Practically, the whole point of Postal 1 is Dude not getting the mental help he needs and kills the whole town. There's nothing glamorous about it. There's nothing to idolize about the murder of innocent people. It's a scenario that has happened too many times before in real life.

I don't want TCC mixed in with Postal. I will not stand for it. I understand wanting to learn about true crime and having an interest in it. But too many of them are so deeply obsessed with these real-life murderers and it's not okay. I feel like I understand why they are like this, and it's not too late to change and talk to someone about it. You gotta learn to break yourself from it and get away from the web.

Now, I take full responsibility for what 16 year old me was doing. I knew better, and yet I still continued with it. I'm nowhere near like that now at 22. Hell, if people want to unfollow or block me for it, then they're welcome to. I want to be fully honest with everyone since this has been getting so much attention. I've looked through my blog and have deleted any TCC posts that I had reblogged. If you see any posts that I might've missed, PLEASE let me know so I can get rid of it immediately.

My blog is to be a safe place for people to go to, and I don't want to be a haven for people like TCCers. They're not welcomed here. I want to right my wrongs and be a better person.

If you read this, thank you for reading. I felt guilty having this weight on me. Again, if you choose to unfollow and/or block me, you're more than welcome to. I'm taking full responsibility for 16 year old me's actions. This is unacceptable.

[roninkairi]

And now for something, completely different...

The Persona 5 Cast Goes To See "The Super Mario Bros. Movie"

(At LeBlanc)

Zenkichi: Hey Ren, thanks for getting tickets for me and Akane! I've been swamped with work, so I hadn't had time to get some.

Akane: Wow, I can't wait! I heard it almost made a billion bucks before it came to Japan!

Ren: No problem. It was Sojiro's idea actually.

Sojiro: Think of it as a thank you for helping out Ren and Futaba last summer. But man...never thought I'd see them try to make a movie out of that game again.

Zenkichi: Yeah tell me about it. If you told the teenage me this was going to happen, I'd thought you were bonkers.

Ryuji: Wait, you guys know about Mario Bros?

Sojiro: Of course we do.

Zenkichi: I still have my original Famicom and a copy of the game stashed in my attic. I used to play the hell out of it after I had finished my studies.

Akane: So that's what's in that box. I thought it was old festival decorations or something. How far can you go in one life?

Zenkichi: Well, I suppose I could go as far as 8-3 now if I tried today...

Sojiro: First or 2nd run?

Zenkichi: Second, definitely second.

Akane: No fair, I barely could make it to World 6 on my first!

Ryuji: I'm kinda lost here, what do you mean 'first run'?

Sojiro: Let me explain...(sips coffee) When you first play the game, your basic enemies are Goombas. After you save the Princess though, the game gets harder. All the Goombas are replaced with Buzzy Beetles.

Ryuji: Buzzy Beetles don't sound so bad.

Zenkichi: No, but they are fireproof and they work in the same way that Koopa Troopas work.

Akane: Plus platforms get shorter and in certain areas, new obstacles are added.

Ren: In short, the game gets harder.

Sojiro: I remember watching Wakaba play that game on her days off. She could clear the game within 45 minutes if she felt inclined.

Zenkichi: Wow. That just kills my own personal record.

Ryuji: Hey, where is Futaba? She would be going nuts talking all about this video game trivia.

Ren: She's been in line with Haru and Morgana since last night for the premiere.

Sojiro: And she brought a tent and everything with her.

Zenkichi: That doesn't sound so bad.

Ren: Uh...

Ryuji: This is FUTABA we're talking about. And knowing her...

Zenkichi: Uh oh.

(At the movie theater, Yusuke and Makoto look at a tent pitched outside the movie theater...which is in the shape of a Toad House. Futaba is sitting in a chair dressed as Mario next to it)

Makoto: I am NOT surprised she is doing this.

Futaba: Hey, glad you made it! Please tell me you brought my camera from Sojiro!

Makoto: I did but I thought it was going to be for entirely different purposes.

Futaba: Yeah, but after the premiere of "Neo Featherman x Masqueraider Ouga", I had to get prepared for a cosplay bonanza!

Yusuke: She's not wrong. There are a lot of dedicated fans on line here dressed as other characters. Some of these are indeed most sketchworthy. By the way, Ren told us Ann and Haru were with you.

Ann's Voice: I'm right here. (Ann steps out of the Toad House tent wearing the Princess Peach riding suit. In her arms is Morgana dressed as Luigi)

Morgana: (staring a hole into Yusuke) NOT. ONE. WORD.

Ann: Oh come on Morgana, you look TOTALLY adorable!

Futaba: (whispering to herself) I'm fairly certain that may actually have killed kitty's ego there. (Haru arrives, dressed in a very accurately detailed Princess Peach dress)

Haru: Oh, you're here! How do I look?

Yusuke: O_O

Makoto: o_O

Morgana: WHOA!!!

Every Other Customer In Line: O_O

Futaba: And if you look to your right, you will see that once again Beauty Thief has stolen the hearts of the fanboys in attendance today. (Instinctively, Haru does her pose upon hearing the words "Beauty Thief")

Ann: ...we're so getting our pictures posted on the internet for this, I just know it.

Makoto: At least your riding suit does not come with spikes.

Yusuke: Such elegance! (pulls out sketchbook and begins to sketch with much passion)

BONUS SCENE-

(As the audience watches the movie, Iwai who is with his son, looks and sees Ren sitting with Haru on his left side. On his right side...is Lavenza, dressed in a blue version of Princess Peach's dress, happily eating popcorn.)

Iwai: Somehow, that kid attracts all types.

[jade-of-mourning]

hey! it’s your hopefully favorite anon again. genuinely thank you so much for responding to my asks and stuff. it’s so eloquently written and it feels like it’s actually mako’s grief in text form. that doesn’t really make sense but. reading that little cat blurb actually made me feel better. I cried. like. heavily. 😭

im glad you liked my goofy insane mentor-that-needs-a-mentor korra idea, even if you’re not going to use it. I actually had the thought while watching a video comparing korra and zuko. it’s not exactly a niche thought that ‘korra is aang’s successor and Zuko’s spiritual successor’ but then it struck me. zuko was the oldest member of the gaang (just a bit older than sokka, the former eldest) but he is still absolutely batshit reckless and insane so,,, what if i Korra’d it.

also,, triple threats,,, since I’ve already revealed that I like to fuck around with canon in every possible aspect. consider: au where bolin dies (this one came to me after seeing a video saying mako would probably… yk, himself, if Bo died) but instead of giving up or chasing whatever criminals got him/dedicating his life to helping other orphans/etc. he just. replaces zolt. and maybe he would have a zuko style redemption arc?? I’ve been listening to Brutus by The Buttress on loop too which has not been helping me escape. yk what would make the takeover even better? zolt has bolin killed to try and get a more firm grip on his chosen protégé (maybe even around the end of the events of republic city hustle) and mako finds out and just,,, absolutely bodies him. like some scraggly 15 y/o just fucking cold blood murders a crime syndicate boss and takes over and?? everyone’s like well ig he was bound to get there eventually. and there would be attempted takeovers obviously but this little fucker is like. nuh uh. you can have this as soon as I get bro back (never)

sorry I’ll stop going insane now. I think you should really listen to Brutus btw it is SO fire

-🐌

hi snailon! (i'm going to call you that. snail + anon mashed together!) you're my only anon so you're my favorite by default,,, but you'd be my favorite even if you weren't! and it's lovely to hear that my writing has helped you <33 also sorry this took a day to respond to whoops

(cont)

okay on the mentor!korra part — it is such a big brain idea that i might have to one day write an au on my au just for that alone LOL okay but korra is so zuko the same way mako is so katara!!! one day i'll talk about it i swear. the classic comparison of mako = zuko is just so Off and it bugs me haha it's really korra and it always has been. bryke is out there spreading false propaganda about their own show like wtf man

second, on the triple threats! see i was reading this and i was reminded of deerstalkerdeathfrisbee's the only thing we've ever organized is crime! (which is a BRILLIANT fic even if i don't really like wuko), except then your train of thought veered divergent so promptly that i was like. woah. woahhhh. i've always been partial for terrifying mobster boss!mako since reading this one a few years back and i wholeheartedly believe that if it weren't for bolin, mako could have very quickly devolved down a really bad path. i've seen it float around a lot of older posts, but to sum it up most succintly, mako made sure bolin survived and bolin made sure mako lived. and if bolin is gone? mako would not give two shits about trying to be a better person, and if bolin's death was of a tangible human person's doing… well. it would not end well for that person, let's say. that person being zolt would abolutely lead to mako promptly desecrating the man, and even if it wasn't a grab for power, i can totally see it proceeding to him actually becoming the teenage mob boss of the triple threats.

(ALSO STOP "this little fucker is like. nuh uh. you can have this as soon as I get bro back (never)" WHY ARE YOU SO FUNNY this is so sad i'm laughing so hard)

but really; mako is just such a guy of asinine stubborness to survive, with the single-minded goal to protect bolin. if there's no one left to protect, and if bolin didn't just succumb to the horrors of their circumstance but was rather brutally murdered as an attempt to control mako himself, that asinine stubborness to survive could very easily translate into cold-blooded violence, and would come with an unnerving facade of quiet apathy while he's really simmering on the edge of a really bad breakdown at any given moment. the guilt would also be endless, and mako would probably project the personal villain so hard on every single member of the triple threats in his general vicinity. working under this angry/guilty/repressed/violent teenager would actually be the most terrifying thing ever.

continuing your ask from last time because i realized i never addresssed this part —

I just had another brain worm sorry. so remember how I was talking about korra potentially being a guiding adult-ish figure in the avatar mako au. what if baby bending brothers. and either lin/tenzin/whoever or them and the other 2 krew members,, taking care of little gang monster and his brother,, and addressing some of the insane trauma and helping him heal and build a stable life,,,

i do love child acquisition, but for tiny feral children! mako and bolin really could've been the most unhinged trauma children of all time and i don't think that any adult on the show would actually be able to handle them as they were except probably pema. tenzin would try his best but i think that he would very easily get overwhelmed and a certain phase of mako would probably incessantly insult him with the deliberate intention to rile him up — and admittedly, tenzin has more of a temper than he'd like to admit, so i just think they'd be at odds a lot to an almost dangerous amount. (but ig i'm exploring that in the actual fic lol) i think mako as a kid would be considerably more abrasive than his is now and far more distrusting and paranoid, to an extent that i don't think that there are a lot of adults in lok that would be well equipped to handle that. (maybe kya? i could see both of them taking to kya actually. that would be funny. maybe i'll write kya into this au.) i do think that bolin could easily get all of them wrapped around his finger, lin grudgingly (and i think she'd be the sort to hold a reluctant affection for prickly loser boy mako).

also idk how i missed it initially but throwing teenaged korrasami into the mix makes it funny though. they would manage the pair of them so badly. (i'm sorry it is cute but i personally don't believe in babysitter!korra and definitely not babysitter!asami.) korra would be in a physical brawling session with mako the little punk ass bitch if asami looks away for one minute because bolin will not stop crying and mako is now trying to bite her head off because that's his little brother. bolin just thinks these two cool older girls are super neat and not at all demanding of his respect so he just incessantly says the most batshit insane things at them while mako is just like. hmm wealthy girl. i am full of anger at life i think i will project that onto you because to me you represent everything i hate about society, i've decided. meanwhile asami is just so confused because she's literally just being her sweet self and this random mobster street kid pema found won't stop giving her a look like he wants to fillet her

sorry none of this post makes any sense at all my head is OVERFLOWING i am UNHINGED thank you for enabling me once again <333 you'll never be a bother also yes i will go listen!

[awkwardlyfangirly]

ok hello i'm the anon that said you were my fav writer (which still rings true ily💖) and i had this idea and i know you'd be the absolute best at making it into a story (if you want) so leo's got this s/o and they get killed during the events of the movie. well after the kraang are banished and all that april gets him a build a bear kinda teddy bear that was his s/o's fav color with a heartbeat and a voice box of their laughter (hopefully you know what i mean here lol) so leo like cuddles this thing to death every night and brings it with him everywhere he can and he looses it one day or the heartbeat sound stops working and he gets rlly mega freaked out and that's when his bros realize he has a bad attachment to the bear so they try and help him move on as best as he can? does this make sense? i thought of writing it myself but i couldn't hold a candle to your talent so i was hoping you might maybe wanna write about it?? if not it's cool and i appreciate you very much

-💖 anon

ehehe i Love the level of detail u put into this >:))

also you're too kind :')) I've never posted fanfiction before and y'all have been so sweet and encouraging ahhh

okay I've never been to build-a-bear so i just used teddy bear town so i could kinda improvise how it worked! but my google history is still like "build a bear heartbeat" "can you wash build a bear in washing machine" "how does build a bear voice box work" lolol

anywizzles! hope u enjoy! I'm always open to any feedback u guys have, positive or negative - I'd love to be a better writer haha and i appreciate hearing what works and what could be better

/////////////

rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles fanfiction ~ Leo x female self-insert ~ tw/cw: character died in the past; characters dealing with grief and mourning; a graphic nightmare scene <3

/////////////

He still sees her in his dreams.

He doesn’t believe in ghosts, but her memory is sure haunting him, night after night after night.

Every time he dozes off, she’s there.

Sometimes the dreams are sweet: her hands on his face, her lips on his mouth, her voice and her smile and her warmth.

And then she fades away.

He’ll wake up reaching out for her. His hands will stretch after her and he’ll gasp her name and she’ll smile softly and then as more and more consciousness wafts back to him he’s forced to understand, to remember. She’s gone. She’s dead.

And sometimes the dreams are nightmares. Sometimes he’s forced to watch her die, again and again and again and again. He’ll get so excruciatingly close to saving her. But she’ll rot away in his hands. Sometimes he is her, feeling the life drain out of himself as he falls to his knees above himself and gathers himself up in his arms.

Sometimes he kills her. Sometimes he is the Krang, hardening three of his tentacles into sharp points and piercing her body right where it is the most vulnerable. Sometimes he feels her blood coating his hands, and he stumbles back with a gasp, and rushes to the bathroom to wash and wash and wash but his hands are red, red, warm and wet and red, and the more he washes the more the blood spreads, until he is covered and dripping in the bathroom, and then when he turns he sees his brothers, open-mouthed and angry, and then when he turns around again, frantically, he sees his reflection in the mirror and it is her, blood-bathed and sobbing.

He hasn’t been sleeping much at all.

It’s been three months since that day, and he’s been spending most of his nights awake. Watching Donnie work, or trying to read, or playing video games, or anything else he can think of to keep his mind switched on. But obviously, he can only go for so long before his body begins to shut itself down. And then he has to sleep. Lost, restless, anxious sleep. He wakes up sweating, drawing in the sheets, shaking and afraid. He naps in the daytime, exclusively; when he wakes back up, there will be brothers ready to distract his minds and his nervous hands. The nighttime is too dark and lonesome and unforgiving to wake up from a nightmare in.

But he won’t tell anyone about any of this. He won’t show it.

All the others make no secret of their grief -- even Mayhem curls up in her old hoodies and whimpers himself to sleep. But Leo? Leo is so carefree and so cheerful and so accepting of it all that April can tell he’s hurting worse than anyone.

April sighs to herself.

She’s standing in the production line at Teddy Bear Town, armed with Raph’s free-bear frequent buyer card, holding a bear husk in her favorite color, waiting to upload a message into a voice box to place inside of the bear. She has the recording up on her phone already, a voicemail from her to Leo that she had asked Donnie to send to her.

Finally, the recording station opens up, and she places her phone next to the microphone. She takes a breath and hits “play.”

“Hiii, my love,” her voice croons. “I miss you. It’s been, like, what, two days? I miss you. I’m on my way back right now but I literally can’t wait until I get home to talk to you again. Call me back. I love you. My lovely, lovely Leo. I love you. Bye. Kisses. Mwah.”

It hurts to hear her, her voice warm and happy and innocent and so, so alive. April bites at her lip and ends the recording.

She puts the voice box in the bear, and a heartbeat heart in the bear; and then when she takes it home she douses it with her favorite scent.

The bear goes in a nice box and she takes it to the lair.

“Heyy,” she says, poking her head into the living room. “Is Leo here? I have --” she drops her voice “-- the bear.”

“I think he’s asleep in the room,” Mikey says. He’s eyeing the box, obviously desperate to see the bear.

“Do you think he’ll mind if I go give it to him now?” April gives in and reaches into the box, pulling out the bear and handing it to Mikey so he can examine it. “I can put it next to him or something.”

“I think he’d like that,” Raph says, softly.

“Okay.” She reaches out her hands and Mikey reluctantly hands the bear back.

“It smells just like her,” he says, his eyes getting watery.

April hugs him and then carries the bear over to the bedroom. She tries the door and it opens easily; she steps inside and glances at Leo in bed.

He’s twitching, twitching, whimpering gently and turning like a rotisserie chicken. The sheets are winding around him, tight, tight. His forehead is pale and sweaty.

“No,” she can hear him mumbling. “No. No. Please.”

She immediately shakes one of his shoulders, and he jolts awake, lunging at her but too constricted by his sheets to move much at all.

“Whoa! Leo!”

He struggles against the sheets for a moment before recognition comes back into his eyes; he freezes, wide-eyed, muscles still tense and quivering.

He doesn’t speak.

“Hey. Hey. You alright?”

He doesn’t speak.

April sighs gently and untangles the sheets from around him.

“I know,” she whispers. “I know, I know. We’ve been through a lot. You… you need anything?”

He shakes his head and forces a smile on his face. There’s not usually anyone with him when he wakes up. He just powers through the aftereffects of the nightmares on his own. He’s never had to deal with the embarrassment of attention.

“Oh, Leo,” April sighs softly, and pats his shoulder. “You know you can always talk to me if you need to, right?”

He nods.

“I got you something,” she says, reaching into the box and then changing her mind and just putting it down on the bedspread. “You can look at it after I leave, okay? I love you. Take care of yourself. Remember that you can talk to any of us, anytime. I love you.”

And then she’s gone, and he’s sitting up in bed, his heart still pounding, his palms sweaty, his ears ringing. She shouldn’t have seen that. No one should ever see that.

He sighs and rubs at his temples and stares at the box. Finally he reaches forward to grab it, and pulls it back towards himself, and opens it and reaches inside. His fingers make contact with something soft and fuzzy, and his blood stills when he recognizes the scent.

It’s her. It’s her smell.

He pulls out the bear, his heart pounding again, and examines it in the low light of his room. It’s her favorite color. He presses his face against its belly -- it smells like her. It’s soft, and cuddly, and it smells like her.

Each inhale feels like a stab wound.

He squeezes the left paw and she starts to talk.

He sits, silent, wide-eyed, barely breathing, staring at the bear as her voice talks at him. Her voice.

He lays down again, clutching the bear to his chest with a death grip that would probably strangle it if it could actually breathe, pressing the paw again and again and again. Listening to her talk. She’s talking to him.

“My lovely, lovely Leo,” she says. “I love you.”

Leo breathes in. Long, and shuddery, and then before he knows it he’s on his side and in the fetal position: choking and coughing on hoarse sobs that rake at his chest with each breath.

He tries the other paw and it’s a heartbeat. Soft, and gentle, and it doesn’t stop as long as he’s holding on tight. He shoves his face into the bear’s stomach again, and the heartbeat thumps reassuringly against his forehead.

He curls around the bear like it’s the only thing holding him afloat.

He wakes up eventually, after a dark and dreamless sleep, and the first thing he notices is that the pillow and the bear are both damp. The space under his eyes is damp, too.

He presses the left paw again.

She speaks.

“I love you,” he tells her. The last time he said it, she was bleeding out in his arms. He holds the bear tight to his chest, squeezing it like she’s come back to him.

He leaves his room to get a snack in the kitchen -- hungry, suddenly, and much braver with her scent held close. He’s pressing down on the right paw, feeling the synthetic heart beat against him.

April is still over; she’s sitting in the living room, watching TV with Leo’s brothers. Their eyes follow him. He pretends not to notice.

He feels so tired. He’s holding the bear so tight, and he feels so tired.

He goes into the kitchen and opens the fridge and stares at the shelves for a while, feeling the cool air nipping at his beak and the heartbeat pulse against his plastron.

Finally, he just closes the fridge door and walks back into his room. And he sits on his bed, and presses his face against her scent, and squeezes the left paw, again and again.

“I love you,” she tells him. “Hi, my love. I love you. I miss you. I love you. I love you.”

He falls asleep again.

His brothers and April peek their heads into the room and see him: wrapped around the bear, curled tight against the wall, still and quiet.

“He looks so calm,” April whispers. “He was… kind of freaking out earlier.”

“You think the bear’s helping??”

“I hope so.”

Leo will not let go of the bear.

He takes her around the house, clutched in his arms; he takes her to the grocery store and the pizza parlor; the only time he leaves her is when he’s heading out on patrol. He doesn’t want anything to happen to her. She sits tucked under the covers when he’s away.

He will not let go of the bear.

It’s been seven months since her death when he misplaces the bear. (She’s been tangled up in his sheets and thrown into the washer. But he doesn’t know that. All he knows is that she’s gone.)

He runs into the living room, panting, shaking, grabbing Raph by the shoulders.

“She’s gone!” he screams, pulling Raph’s face close to his own. “Have you seen her?? She’s GONE!”

“What?? Who’s gone??”

And he screams her name and then bounces from foot to foot, waiting for Raph to do anything, to say anything; and finally he just runs off again, back to the bedroom, tearing apart anything and everything he can get his hands on. She’s gone.

“I should have had Donnie put a tracker,” he rambles, running back into the living room and starting to rip off the couch cushions. “She’s gone. She’s gone. Where could she be?? She was in my room!! In my bed! Right under the covers! Someone took her, right?? I don’t know where else she could be. Oh no. I lost her. I lost her. No. No.”

“Leo, calm down --” Raph starts to say, but Leo wheels around and stares at him, pale and wringing his hands together, and so Raph stands up and starts to look with him.

Eventually all four brothers are looking; and finally Mikey screams from across the house and Leo drops everything he’s holding and chases the sound of his voice, frantically, until finally they slam into each other in the doorway of the laundry room and Mikey presses a familiar lump into his arms.

She’s damp, and floppy, and her fur is kind of weird now, and her scent is greatly subdued, but it’s her.

Leo shoves his face into her belly and squeezes her tight in his arms, catching his breath for a moment, gasping in whatever remnants of her scent he can get. And then he presses one of her paws, and then the other; and there’s just a staticky gurgling from one paw and nothing from the other.

“No,” he says, starting to panic again. “No, no, no, no, no, no, no --”

“Leo, what is it? We found it for you --”

“She doesn’t work,” he mumbles. He presses the paws again, frantically, desperately: “She doesn’t work. Where’s her voice?? Where’s her voice?? Where’s her heartbeat??”

“Leo, calm down. It’s okay. We’ll get you a new one, alright?”

“No,” he says again, starting to flap his hands. The bear shakes along with them. “No, no, no, no, no. I can’t just replace her --”

“It’s a bear, Leo. It’s fine --”

“No!”

“Leo! Calm down!” Raph reaches out for him, trying to wrap him in his arms so he’s safe and constricted and starts to settle down; but Leo dodges away and holds his bear tightly, securely, backing into a corner of the room.

“She’s broken,” he mumbles.

Raph and Mikey exchange a Look.

The three non-Leo brothers discuss the matter later that night, once Leo has gone to bed. They discuss the matter of him, and the bear. The decision is unanimous: they have to talk to him about the way he feels about the bear.

They corner him first thing in the morning.

“Hey,” Raph says softly, as soon as Leo stumbles bleary-eyed into the kitchen, dangling the bear by one paw. “How you doing, buddy??”

Leo shrugs and feels around in the cabinet for a box of cereal.

“We have to talk about the bear,” Mikey says.

“Look, we understand that you love it, and the last thing we would want is to take something that you love away from you -- but we’re getting worried about you, Leo. It’s not quite healthy to get so attached to a toy like that.” Donnie rubs at his arms.

Leo squeezes the bear against his chest.

“You guys don’t know what you’re talking about,” he snaps. “I can love my bear if I want to. It had her voice in it, remember? And her smell? It comforted me.”

“But, Leo --” Mikey starts.

“No! No ‘but leos’!”

“But, Leo -- comfort and dependence are two very different things. You’ve gotten dependent on that bear. And we know you miss her, and the bear reminds you of her, but --”

“Stop talking about her!” Leo shouts. “Her, her, her -- you didn’t know her! You didn’t love her! Not like I did!! Stop talking about her like you understand what it meant to lose her!” And he squeezes his fists together, relaxes, squeezes again. “You don’t understand what it meant to lose her.”

“Leo, we do understand,” Raph says, gently. “We loved her, too. Not quite the way you did -- but we did love her. We lost her, too.”

“But we’ve been able to move on,” Mikey adds. “And of course we haven’t forgotten her, and we haven’t stopped missing her -- but we understand that she’s gone. And that she’s not coming back to us. You have to deal with that, Leo, with the root of it all -- you have to understand, and you have to move on.”

“Move on?? You’re telling me to just move on from losing her?! It’s only been seven months! And besides -- besides -- I’ll never be able to get over her. She’s the sort of girl you don’t just ‘get over.’”

“Leo, Leo, I know. We all know. It’s not easy for any of us! We miss her, too; we’re grieving, too; but --”

“But you didn’t kill her,” Leo says, softly, and his grip on the bear loosens slightly.

“What?”

“You didn’t kill her,” Leo says. “Your hands aren’t stained red every time you look at them --” and he leans heavily against the kitchen counter.

“Leo, you didn’t kill her.”

“But I did. It’s my fault the Krang are here in the first place. If I hadn’t… if I hadn’t…”

He presses the back of a hand to his eyes and breathes, breathes, steadies himself.

“If I hadn’t made a mess of things, none of this would ever have happened. It’s my fault the Krang were here.” His eyes are getting hot, wet, messy. He keeps wiping at them, over and over. “It’s my fault. You’ve never screamed it at me, amazingly. I don’t deserve you guys. But you know it, I know you do; it’s my fault that the Krang got here in the first place. If I hadn’t goofed up so bad, then they would still be in that prison dimension -- and she’d still be -- she’d still be --”

He doubles over at the kitchen counter and slides down to the ground, hunched over, grinding the palms of his hands into his eye sockets and screaming silently.

“Leo.” Raph sits down next to him, and sweeps his little brother into a tight hug. His own eyes are misting over. “Leo, none of us blame you…”

“But you should,” he blubbers. “You should. It’s my fault. Don’t say it’s not, just to try to make me feel better. I know it’s true --”

Mikey and Donnie kneel down next to them, wrapping their own arms around Leo, and Raph encloses all three of them in his arms.

They sit on the kitchen floor, hollow and grieving and sobbing. And Leo has the bear squeezed against his chest still, tight, tight, because he can’t let her go. he can’t let her go. he can’t let her go. he can’t let her go. he can’t let her go.

But two mornings after that, there’s a scrapbook on his bedspread. It’s filled, cover to cover, with her. Her favorite things, her favorite color, pictures of her, and the whole thing is drenched in her scent.

There’s a note attached to it, from all three of his brothers, and April.

You don’t have to move on just yet, the note says. We understand that. But try to focus on her, okay? Try to focus on her memory. She’d rather have you remember her than have you freak out over losing a bear that sounds like her. You know she would.

Leo agrees. He thumbs through the pages, and she smiles up at him from each picture. He can still hear her voice in his mind, and feel her hands on his cheeks.

He imagines that she’s there with him, in the room, right now. What would he say to her?

I’m sorry I killed you, he would say. It was incredibly stupid of me and I am so, so, so sorry.

I forgive you for killing me, she would say. And then she would sit down next to him on the bed and hug him, long and hard and tight. It’s been rough? Right? I’m so, so sorry for that. I never want to hurt you, Leo --

Don’t apologize for that, he’d say. It’s not your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong.

But look at you. Look at how sad you are. I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.

No. Don’t be sorry. I’m happy to be sad over you. It means that I still love you. I still love you, so much; but the love is just spilling over from inside of me. I have nowhere to put my love for you. I’m happy to be sad over you.

You’re funny, she’d smile, and then she’d hug him tight again and kiss his forehead.

He shuts his eyes. He misses her, so, so much.

But okay. Okay. For his brothers’ sake, he’ll try. Maybe that’s where he can put his love for her -- he can put it on his brothers. He can try his best to make them happy.

He sighs through his nose and tucks the bear back under his covers. Okay. She’ll stay there today.

He’ll see her tonight. He’ll hold her close tonight.

And he’ll keep her alive, keep her alive and well, with the love that’s inside his heart.

[izzy-b-hands]

"It isn't that much," Ed says. "There's no way."

"The recipe says multiple cups of extract!" Stede argues, handing the vanilla extract bottles to Alma. "Go on, you and your brother pour them into the measuring cups there, and Olu will help stir once you get them in the bowl."

"Ah," Olu interjects, a hand protectively covering the bowl. "I think Ed is right. Wait, why am I saying think? I know there isn't that much in here. The recipe clearly has a typo."

"If Roach were here, he'd confirm it," Jim adds. "Hang on, I'm gonna text him and ask."

"Make that a video call!" Olu says. "He won't believe it otherwise."

"I cannot believe you all have so little faith in me," Stede frowns. "It isn't like I've never baked a cake!"

Silence falls.

"Dad," Alma says gently. "When did you ever bake a cake?"

Stede thinks. "Does it count if I paid a bakery to do it, and I watched them make it because their kitchen was close to the counter?"

Ed wraps an arm around his shoulder. "It's okay. Everyone has something they learn later in life!"

"The important thing is that the extract isn't in the bowl yet," Olu says. "Okay, let's find a way to get some of this back in the bott-"

"NO!"

Roach's voice, slightly tinny from the phone speaker, echoes.

A moment later Jim is back, rushing in, phone screen facing out towards them all. "Here, here they are! Please stop shouting at me."

"Stede," Roach says. "Look at me. It's too much."

"Yeah, I've got that now," Stede sighs.

"However," Roach muses, a mischievous glint in his eye. "I'll pay you to try making it anyway."

"How much?" Ed asks.

"How much did it cost to buy all that?"

"I don't know," Stede scoffs. "Something like fifty dollars? Ish?"

"Sixty is my final offer."

Alma motions for Jim to lower the phone. "Roach? We'll do it."

"What?" Olu chuckles nervously. "Dads, one of you want to say something?"

"Will you add five to that if I eat a slice?" Ed asks.

"Oh my god," Olu mutters, a hand back over the bowl. "I won't let them, other ingredients. I promise."

"Olu," Roach says. "Come on. You know you want to. And you can use the money after to go buy more ingredients and do it again, the right way."

Olu frowns, but nods. "Alright. It'll be an experiment."

"Oh yes it will," Roach laughs. "Jim, call me when it's done. I want to see it fresh out of the oven, and I wanna watch Ed eat a piece."

"Is it even going to bake the correct way?" Jim asks. "No, right?"

Roach shrugs. "Sure. Maybe. You've got to take the journey yourself to find the answer."

"Or you could tell us."

"The journey is what matters," Roach replies. "I gotta go, the bride at this wedding is freaking the fuck out because the cream sauce is-what? She's mad because it's too creamy? Does she know what fucking cream sauce is?!"

Jim ends the call with a tap. "Okay. We're doing this."

"Yay!" Louis shouts, and pushes Olu's hand from the bowl before dumping all four measuring cups full of vanilla extract into it.

"I think this might be some sort of sin," Jim says. "Hang on, I wanna send a video to Nana of this before we keep going. She's gonna flip."

"I think anyone would," Olu says. "If this somehow turns out...I don't know. I'll eat my words."

"And some cake," Stede says proudly.

"Mhm, no," Olu says. "But I will absolutely watch you guys have some. I can be the one to hold the phone and call Roach, so he can watch!"

"Come on," Jim teases. "I'm gonna try a bite."

"You can't do this," Olu says, but a smile breaks out on his face. "That's not fair!"

"Are you gonna let me risk it alone?" Jim asks.

"You know I won't," Olu replies. "But I'm gonna do a quick search online and find out if too much vanilla extract can kill a person. I feel like the answer is yes, but I'd like an exact amount."

"Worrywart," Stede says. "Toss another bottle i-oh, Louis love. I meant uncapped and poured in but...you know what? We're letting the random thoughts win today!"

"No, we can't have glass in the cake," Ed leans over and pulls the bottle from the soup of ingredients. "I'm gonna...just pour this in now before I get extract everywhere on the counter aaaand it's already on it. This is fine. We've got this."

[teddybeartoji]

AAAAAAA SO EXCITED FOR YOU TO WATCH PAPRIKA AAAAAAAAA ITS SOOO GOOODDD!!!! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE LET ME KNOW WHEN YOU DO

isle of dogs omg.. waterfalls from my eyes that movie made me cry especially the ‘idk why i bite’ scene ohh good heavens what did u think of it?

OMGGG I ALSO LOVE REWATCHING STUFF INSTEAD OF WATCHING NEW ONES two film bros but on the other ends of the spectrum… (we’re both little nerds)

david flincher ahh he’s so good omg i never watched fight club because i was sooo full of my self and swore i wasn’t “like other film fans” (ummm i was lying i love all the classics) but i secretly wanted to watch it right? but since i never watched it on time the plot twist of the movie was spoiled to me by a video from a comedy youtuber LOLLL i was so annoyed at myself

SOCIAL NETWORKK YESS i loved that movie idk i like jesse eisenberg he’s a silly awkward lil guy he did a good job!!

OH GUY RITCHIE!! dont kill me but i havent seen many of his films aaaa will make sure to check out his stuff aaaaa

TARANTINO LOL no i get it he’s good he has great films i have a pulp fiction poster in my rolm (never beating the film bro allegations) his films are very well done

INDIANA JONES YIPPEEE my first introduction to the franchise was through a lego game my mom got me for christmas… changed the trajectory of my life im afraid…. which indiana jones film is your favorite? mine has to be the last crusade its such a fun movie to me!!!!

i saw u also like video games :333 im a huge video game nerd ehehehe do you have any favorites?

HI HELLO MY FELLOW FILM BRO HIII:333333333333 I HOPE YOU'VE BEEN DOING WELL!!!!!! OKE BUT THE "I DON'T KNOW WHY I BITE" SCENE WAS SOOOO WAHHHH THAT HIS TO HARD:(((((((((((((((((((((((((( i loved that film so fucking much

NOOOO NOT THE SPOILED FIGHT CLUB PLOTT THAT'S SO UNFORTUNATE!!!!!!!!!!!! i actually only saw it like two years back and i truly don't even know how i managed to avoid the spoilers.. or maybe i just like blurred them out in my head bc the plot twist was soo so delicious when i did finally watch it i liked it a lot!!!!!!!!!! but yeah it's one of my feel good films lmao i think it's so so funny and i love the soundtrack too!!! OH AND JESSE EISENBERGG!!!!! HE'S FUCKING AMAZING IN THE SOCIAL NETWORK he scratches my brain so good

AAA DON'T YOU EVEN WORRY ABT GUY RITCHIE!!!!!!!!!!! i really don't judge others for what they have seen and for what they haven't bc like.. ppl have lives and stuff to do and also i feel like people's experiences with films can be so different purely based on their childhoods and their parents. liiike i've always been a big movie Watcher bc of my dad!!!! he took me to the cinema a lot a lot when i was younger so obviously it's like second nature to me in a way. sorry i'm like rambling abt it now but i just remember how at my last workplace i tended to talk abt films a lot too and then my coworkers were constantly apologizing for not having seen most of them and i was just always trying to reassure them that i really don't judge them for it. i was just trying to recommend them stuff in a sense of . i hope you'll remember that i once said it was good and not in like a Oh i hope you go home and watch it right away and report back to me . LIKE NOOO😭😭😭 everybody should watch what they want and when they want. there are like a million billion different films out there it's not really a competition of who gets to watch all of them first lmao

oh this also reminded me of smth that irked me off so bad,, i was talking to this other coworker and i was telling her that i'm gonna go and see babylon. they said that the name doesn't ring a bell and i was just like ohh!! it's by damien chazelle but that didn't ring any bells either WHICH I THINK IS VERY OKAY ppl aren't good with names and i get that, so i brought up whiplash bc yk that's his most known film right and then she was like OHHHH and told me that she's heard abt it but she hasn't seen it. which is again. very normal😭😭😭 i definitely know some ppl who would make a bit of a scene like OH WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU HAVEN'T SEEN WHIPLASH IT'S SUCH A BIG FILM WDYM WDYM but i genuinely do not care i just said that ok and that i recommend it to her bc it is good.

and then i remembered that oH la la land also exists lmao and then she just beamed at me like OOOMG I LOVE LA LA LAND IT'S SO GOOD I LOVE IT SO MUCH aaaand then it was my turn to be like. oh i actually haven't seen that one yet lmao

and.

THEN SHE MADE A SCENE ABT IT. ALL HUFFING AND PUFFING WITH HER JAW ON THE FLOOR LIKE😱😱😱😱😱MICKEY THE MOVIE WATCHER HASN'T SEEN LA LA LAND WHAT IS THIS MADNESS HOW CAN THIS BE like can you be fucking serious lmao this made me so mad i would argue that whiplash is bigger than la la land but i didn't say anything abt you not having seen it but now here you are jumping in my face abt la la land............ HHHHHHHHHhh anyway yeah. i think everybody should be a little more calm abt what some ppl have seen and what they haven't thank you for coming to my ted talk hgasghdaghdghashdha

HAHAHHAAH PLSS I WANT THAT PULP FICTION POSTER TOOO that's so cool i would be the proudest film bro ever lmao

ALSO. HELLO. I ALSO PLAYED THE LEGO INDIANA JONES GAME😭😭😭 IT WAS MY FIRST FIRST GAME EVER!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVED IT SO MUCH i think i still have it somewhere too lmao but yeah indiana jones is my childhood i love the films so much,, mmmmmm if i had to pick my favourite one though........................... HARDEST QUESTION EVER BTWWWWWW god the third one is so fucking good i love the dynamic between indy and his dad sm i adore them buuuut hmmm i think it's either that or the first one for me!!!!! i really can't pick one i'm sorry lmao the second one is amazing too but I LOVEEE MARION SOOOSO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE MEANS SM TO MEEE SHE'S SOO FUCKING COOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

now now noww... video games.... ohhhhh broooother lmao i could talk abt my faves for hours on end i think but since this reply has gotten so long already i'm just gonna say what they are in an attempt to keep it normal😭😭😭 MY ALLLL TIME FAVOURITE GAME IS THE LAST OF US PART TWOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! genuinely could make like a 12h presentation abt it without any prep lmao i am very obsessed with it. but i also love rdr2, the last two god of war games, tlou1 ofc!!!! UNTIL DAWN!!!!!!!! uncharted!!!!!!! ghost of tsushima!!!!!!!!!!! resident evil but esp the second one and mmmm i recently played the newest dead space remake and i really fucking liked that too that shit was scary as hell wtf...........

I'M SURE THERE ARE MORE GAMES ACTUALLY BUT ENOUGH IS ENOUGH OK NOW IT'S YOUR TIME TO SPEAK😭😭😭😭😭😭 so please please pretty please tell me abt the video games you like!!!!!!! aand any other movies that come into your head okay i wanna hear all abt them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[arjex-and-stuff]

There's some stuff I'm glad about.

A lot of lasts that have been really nice.

It's kind of hard to remember things.

Um. I got to go to a concert for my favorite band. Or my favorite right now. It was a really good time. I should make sure I listen to the CD's I got a few times.

I finally got to have a mini fridge in my room. It's been really nice. Going down the stairs hurts a lot more now than it did when I was a kid. It's nice to have drinks and some snacks in my room. And access to a working toilet. I can actually be by myself for a day when I need to.

I got to have that lobster roll I like one more time.

I decorated eggs with my neice.

I got to spend Christmas with most of my family. And I get to visit my grandparents on the 12th. That will be nice.

Some fun internet things happened. The charity stream was amazing. I'm happy I got to watch some of it.

There was an April fools life game. So I got to see one more life game.

A few fanfics I was reading wrapped up.

I beat the ender dragon with my friends again. It was a lot of fun and very silly. I hope they had fun too.

I did make 2 videos. They suck and I will never touch that channel again. But I did make them.

My friends are all still hanging out with each other. I'm glad they have each other.

The fish oil and magnesium have me functioning somewhat. I am able to do some of the things I like. I don't feel miserable all the time. Its a good bandage.

MCC is starting up again tomorrow. So I'll get to see a little bit of one last MCC before I die. My friends are going to hang out together and watch it.

I like most of my co-workers. My job isn't too hard. It hurts pretty much the entire time I'm there now with how bad my ankles are. But I can put up with that a few weeks longer. I feel kind of bad I'll just be disappearing on them without any notice. But I won't be the first and I won't be the last. With any luck they will just shrug off my disappearance and not find out what happened.

But it's nice to have a job I kind of like doing.

I did something awful. I joined a new discord server. I just kind of thought it would be. I don't know. I don't fit in well in the other servers I'm in. So I thought it would be about the same. I feel like I fit in on this server. It's really nice. They're good people. It was a really great few weeks spending time with them. I'm going to try to be a little less active. If I'm going to disappear I don't want it to be as harsh of a blow. If I can quietly fade out fewer people will notice I'm gone.

But it was really nice to feel like part of a community again. And feel like people cared. I only know the people there superficially. But I could actually vent about some of my problems a little. Nothing excessive. And could talk about adult stuff with the adults. I really hope that community stays strong. They were good for me. I hope that they don't miss me too much. Hopefully I'm just some guy who was a blip and then gone.

Stuff I want to do. Or won't get to do.

I really wanted to see the ocean again. It's not really that big of a deal. I was thinking about going out to the ocean to kill myself, but it's too long of a drive. Might change my mind before I get there.

I still want to go fishing. I don't think I'll get my shit together enough to go. I feel bad. My parents got me the stuff to go and I haven't used it. I really thought I would have the energy to go. I really want to. I just. Am useless. I'm useless at existing I'm just fucking useless.

I want to see my friends again. I won't. They don't deserve this and I am being unimaginably cruel to everyone I know and they deserve to see me one last time. But I don't deserve to see them. I don't deserve them at all.

I think I'll read one more book. I'll read one of the new ones I got for Christmas. Then the gift won't be completely wasted.

I'm not going to get my stuff paid off. That's only a problem if mom accepts the debt. I hope she doesn't. I've already been such a massive waste of time and money.

I really wanted to finish this one video. I actually wanted to make a lot more. I had planned a lot more. The plans went out the window when I decided to scrap my channel. I think instead I should just focus on spending time with my family. I'm not going to finish that video. I worked so hard on it. But it just doesn't matter. Nothing I do or want matters.

I'm just so fucking stupid. I wanted to figure things out. I'm just so fucking stupid.

Help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me

I can't help myself I don't deserve help.

I'd like to kiss someone again. I'm not delusional enough to want sex. But just being held for a little while would be nice. No one I've been with has just held me. I don't really deserve it. And it would be mean to whoever it is since I'm going to kill myself. But this is a list of things I wish I could have before I die. It doesn't have to be realistic.

I wish I had someone to talk to.

Pomegranates are out of season. They're my favorite fruit.

I can't really think of anything else I want that's within the realm of obtainable.

I could go for a hike again. It'll hurt, but I miss it. I'll try to go.

I'm sad I won't get to see the fireflies this year.

I'd like to drive out to somewhere truly dark and see the milky way again. That one won't happen either. But it was one of the most amazing things I've ever seen. It'd be nice to see it again. I hope that if there's some kind of existence after death you can see the stars.

I hope there's nothing after death. I hope that every fiber of anything I once was disappates and there is no mind or energy or flicker of being left. I hope there's nothing. I just want to be nothing. I don't want to exist any more. I'm so tired. I'm so tired. I'm only 30 and I'm just so tired.

My life isn't even that hard. I'm just pathetic.

I should play pokemon mystery dungeon again. It's my favorite game. I haven't played it in a long time.

Read a book. Go for a walk in the woods. Go fishing. Play PMD one last time.

That's a nice list. That can be accomplished. If I do 3 out of 4 of those I think I'll be happy. Not that it really matters if I'm happy.

I just have to remember that no matter how good I feel at the moment things will keep steadily getting worse and I need to end things before I set myself up to hurt even more people. I'm going to kill myself eventually regardless. I need to do it now so that I'm not even more of a financial drain on my parents. A funeral is cheaper than having to support me for the rest of their lives.

I'm useless I'm so fucking useless.

I wish I had someone to talk to.

I wish someone would hold me.

I'm fat and hairy and nasty and stupid and have nothing real to offer to a relationship. No one wanting to touch me is fair. It's allowed. I did this to myself and I'm hideous. I thought I'd get to finish transitioning and actually look like a man. But I'm stuck halfway.

I just want to be held by someone who actually likes me. I don't deserve it but I want it so bad.

I just want someone to talk to. I wish I could talk to someone. I can't. Too much risk of getting locked up in a hospital. The lifetimes worth of debt would be grounds for killing myself alone. I'd just be back to the same place. I'd get locked up and they'd just hurt me more and I just can't. I can't.

I hope it hurts.

I deserve to hurt.

One last horrible painful moment.

I'm so tired of hurting all the time.

I wish I had someone to talk to.

[alias-sam]

Pierced by a Golden Soul

Chapter 13. Video Killed the Radio Star

Platonic Jojo's x Reader

Summary: Fate is a bizarre concept with countless more bizarre implications. In life sometimes such extraordinary events happen that the only reasoning left must be fate. The tragedies that constantly befall the Joestar bloodline for example may be the unluckiest series of cards drawn in human history, or perhaps the work of a greater power. There is no way to tell for sure. Had Dio Brando or Jonathan Joestar moved slightly on a divergent path the world itself would be left very different. The fate or luck of the noble Joestar bloodline has led to destruction of evil likes of the Pillar Men and DIO. This story is of a similar caliber to that of the other Joestars (as I am sure you are familiar with them). This is a story of lost souls, compassion, hope, and above all fate.

Word Count: 2,113

(Crosspost from Wattpad, full fic is already posted there.)

On Friday at 6 a.m. you stood at the entrance to your school's football stadium.

"Are you sure he'll be here?" Jotaro sighed tiredly. He had agreed to meet you at the school. Classes for the day had been cancelled so there wouldn't be anyone else on campus but staff and personnel trying to fix the electrical problems.

"Almost definitely." You nodded, walking up to the chain-link gate that led into the stadium. There was an old rusty padlock holding the gate closed, you squatted down and fiddled with it, trying to guess the combination. "Tim's got a bone to pick with the football team. Since school's out for the day, it would be the perfect time for him to try swiping the season trophy." You looked up at Jotaro who was just standing over you. He always looked angry in some way, but right now it felt like he was growing impatient. "What's wrong?" Jotaro motioned for you to step aside. You backed up a few paces and watched as Jotaro's Star Platinum lightly flicked the lock. The gate slowly creaked open, and Jotaro proceeded inside.

"Compared to the motives of prior enemy stand users? This is ridiculous." Jotaro muttered listlessly.

"That goes to show the kind of emotional maturity teenagers have." You said following the man.

"I've never seen a stand user apply their abilities for something so juvenile."

"Say what you will, but I think this is an extreme but reasonable reaction. Maybe this is meaningless to you, but that trophy means a lot to my classmates, and Tim's looking for good revenge." You glanced around at the empty bleachers and field "I think his stand messed with his head or something." Jotaro stopped to look back at you.

"How so?"

"Well... Tim went from a mild-mannered wallflower to a rude bully overnight. I just thought, could his stand have anything to do with that?" Your stand user mentor stood in silence staring off into space for a solid minute. "Mr. Kujo?"

"Maybe." Jotaro muttered. "Different people have different reactions to stands, and stands have different effects on their users." He continued walking through the stadium and onto the field. You slowly followed him. Jotaro thought back to when he first developed his own stand. To many, it also appeared he changed overnight. In just a day he wound up in jail.

"I'm just hoping he's cooled off since yesterday."

"And if he hasn't?" Jotaro asked flatly. You unconsciously cupped your bandaged hand. It didn't hurt but there was a faint scar from the burn. Jaya had told you to take it easy since her hamon healing couldn't do everything.

"I'll improvise." You shrugged, summoning Golden Soul and looking around the stadium again. Jotaro paced back towards you.

"So, you don't have a plan?" Jotaro muttered through clenched teeth.

"I do." You said, not looking at him. "Unfortunately, it's only a rough draft at the moment." Golden Soul pointed towards the press box as it loomed above the field where you stood.

"Give me a break kid." Jotaro briefly hid his face with the brim of his hat "You're not being careful enough with this guy. Stand users are dangerous. They'll try to kill you any chance they get, you've seen it yourself. You need to get your guard up."

"Maybe you need to relax." You turned from the press box to look Jotaro in the eyes. "Being less guarded around you hasn't backfired just yet." Jotaro seemed to contemplate something before going back to looking around the stadium.

"Where's this important trophy you wanted to protect?"

"Oh, it's not here. All awards given to the sports teams are kept in the gym building."

"Wha-" Jotaro paused mid-sentence when a soft buzzing filled his ears.

"I asked you along so Tim can't surprise me like last time." The stadium's microphone system filled with a horrible high-pitched feedback tone. You and Jotaro immediately clamped your hands over your ears. "Told you I had a rough plan." You yelled over the noise.

"Yare yare kid!" Jotaro yelled back. The mic feedback faded away, allowing you and Jotaro to uncover your ears. After reading Tim's diary entries you decided you needed to talk to him. Without some extra muscle from Jotaro that would be a pipe dream. However, not knowing exactly what Tim's stand could do made it impossible to run your scheme by Jotaro over the phone or on the street.

"Sorry I lied." You shook your head, trying to get the ringing out of your brain. "It was hard to tell if he could hear me talking to you over the phone or some other way." Your plan worked though, Tim was in the stadium.

"Y/n!" Tim's voice boomed over the mic system, uncharacteristically confidant. "You were really dumb enough to come here?" You simply looked up at the press box where Golden Soul had located Tim.

"I was smart enough to lure you somewhere away from most of the public." You took a few steps towards the press box, which allowed you a glimpse at Tim through the windows. "I just wanna talk." You showed your hands to Tim in an attempt to indicate civility "You haven't been well lately."

"I feel fine." Tim's voice reverberated through the stadium again. "If anything, I feel exhilarated." He said with a cruel laugh.  "You know how being a 'wave maker' spelled your downfall amongst our peers? How I spent so much time trying not to stand out? Well now I can't get enough of making waves!"

"Tim?" The air in the stadium grew staticky, like the aftermath of a lightning storm.

"My stand 'Radio Star' manipulates waves of all kinds, sound waves, electrical waves, telecommunication waves, radio, TV broadcasting, you name it." The score boards on either side of the field lit up.

"Tim! Wait!" The speakers attached to the score boards let off a bass boosted blast that forced you and Jotaro to your knees.

"Kid!" Jotaro yelled, summoning Star Platinum. "You planning to fill me in on your plan?"

"Yeah." You summoned your own stand, using it to protect you from dirt and debris that was being thrown at you. "I need you to buy me the time for it though." The mic system once again let out a horrible feedback noise, but this time the sound waves were much more powerful. "Tim's using his stand to manipulate the sound system. He can't attack us if he doesn't have any technology to jack into!" Jotaro seemed to understand what you were trying to say because his stand picked up some stray rocks from the ground and flicked them at the buzzers on the score boards. You sighed in relief when the sound stopped. Jotaro offered you a hand and a pointed look.

"Next time, tell me before you lead me into a death trap." He said sternly.

"Will do." You groaned as you stood up, your ears ringing. Quickly, you directed your attention back to Tim in the announcer's box. "What was that for Tim? Mad?" You yelled up at the tower so Tim could hear.

"O-of course I'm mad-"

"Mad at who?" You asked. "Me and Mr. Kujo? Or the bullies?"

"S-shut up!" Tim stuttered, his composure starting to crack.

"No."

The mic system started going off again but this time without the speakers on the score boards it was much less intense. Before Radio Star could start messing with the sound system again Jotaro sent a rock flying through the press box window using Star Platinum. Tim stumbled away from the window and out of sight. You started running to the tower, but Jotaro grabbed your arm.

"Where the hell are you going?"

"Just go. I can handle the rest of this." You said hurriedly. Jotaro didn't seem convinced, his grip tightened. "Please!" You begged.  "Trust me?" Jotaro stared at you for a good minute, contemplating. He let go of your arm and sighed.

"Be quick or I'm following you."

"Thank you, Mr. Kujo." You smiled. Jotaro just gave a slight nod and reluctantly headed to the exit.

......................

The door to the tower was left ajar, no doubt thanks to Tim. You cautiously ascended the stairs, stopping every few steps to survey what was around you. As your leg passed an electrical socket it began to fizzle and short. Golden Soul managed to grab Radio Star's wires before they could wrap around you. It didn't appear Tim's stand could electrocute something immaterial like a stand. It was a struggle for Golden Soul to wrangle the mess of wires as they slithered around every one of your stand's limbs. The wires found their way to Golden Soul's neck and you were overwhelmed by the feeling of being choked.

"For the love of god Tim!" You gasped as the wires tightened. "Can't you see I don't want to hurt you?" You gagged and heaved as the wires continued to tighten. Just as you were running out of breath the pressure on your neck eased up. You caught your breath and got a glimpse of Radio Star as it retreated back into the electrical socket. The lights in the stairway flickered before going out. A few dim emergency lights were your only illumination. Despite the encounter you decided to keep heading up to the press box.

................

When you opened the door of the broadcasting room, all the lights were turned off along with the equipment. As you slowly looked inside, the emergency lights from the hallway crept in.

"Tim? You in here buddy?" You took a glance around the room. Sitting against the far wall was Tim.

"Go away Y/n...." Tim's heavy breathing slowed down as you stepped closer. The boy wiped his face with his sleeve when he realized you weren't going to listen to him. "Why are you here?"

"Thought you might want the company." You laughed nervously, walking closer to where he was sitting. Tim didn't move away or object as you took a seat next to him on the floor. Neither of you said anything. The silence wasn't awkward though, and Tim was left to think about the events leading up to this moment.

"I don't really know why I-" Tim started to apologize but you stopped him.

"You were angry. People have been hurting you, they stole your work and you didn't think you were able to do anything about it." You spoke softly, "I don't blame you for wanting to stick it to them... and I'm sorry I didn't realize it sooner." You turned to face Tim. "But taking your emotions out on others won't help the situation. You'll turn into the kind of person that hurts others." You didn't have the heart to point out that Tim had lately acted almost exactly like Blake.

"Why do you care?" Tim asked defensively. He didn't want to admit you were making a good point. He reflected on how emotional he was, and he realized how irrational it made him.

"I'm your friend Tim." You placed a comforting hand on this shoulder. Tim shrugged you off and stood up, anger boiling up again.

"I don't have friends! You're probably just going to have that Jotaro guy pummel me as soon as I let my guard down!" Tim glared at you, the staticky aura of his stand appearing.

"Jotaro left the stadium." You stayed sitting down, not wanting to make him feel any more distressed. "You and I are the only ones here." You assured him.

"That doesn't change the fact I don't trust you." Tim said coldly.

"Alright." You sighed. Tim watched carefully as you stood up and grabbed something from behind your back. "I'll go, but I have something for you." He was prepared for you to pull out a weapon. Much to his surprise, you pulled out a few folded pieces of notebook paper and held them out for him to take.

Tim stared at the pages oddly. After some mental debate he decided to humor you. When he unfolded the pages, he found his own handwriting and some familiar lyrics.

"Is t-this....?"

"Some pages from your notebook. I couldn't salvage much, but I figured you would want these back." You watched Tim's face turn to one of shock as he examined the papers. Some parts were water damaged, but the writing was fine. You started walking out of the room when Tim stopped you.

"Y/n! I'm.....sorry. I'm so sorry about all of the trouble I've caused." After realizing what you had done for him, Tim felt the need to make amends somehow. You were about to just tell him it was okay and leave, but when a thought occurred to you.

"Tim, you said earlier you don't have any friends. Now that this is all hopefully over... I wouldn't mind getting to know you."

"Yeah, I'd like that." For the first time in a long while, Tim smiled.

[xoteajays]

Have you ever watched or read the Tokyo Ghoul series? Because I just am.. I'm the real life Saiko Yonebayashi. Short, chubby, with my round features that make me appear much younger than my actual age too.

I know people thinking you're younger than your actual age is actually a compliment. But sometimes I heard it as an insult too. Depending a lot of how the comment is said to me. Like.. I know, I know. I have this baby face, short height and chubby figure. So I look like a child to just so many people. But children don't have body modifications (like how my piercings are), wear heavy makeup, or any part of my style either.

Sometimes people who work at bars and restaurants are actually just very afraid to card my id just because they're afraid to offend me over my appearance. Until my mother ruined the experience. So that really was an experience for some time.. I was so surprised that happened.

I think tattoos and piercings aren't allowed in American schools.. I can that you can't have modifications in maybe private schools, but every person has tattoos or piercings in public schools even if it wasn't ever allowed anyway. And what would they do about having modifications like that. Tell my parents? Most people from my father's side, actually including my father, is covered neck to toe in tattoos. And my parents were even friends with some tattoo artists too. So they wouldn't even say or do anything about me having piercings, or tattoos if I had any.

So my picture would probably the visual for the baby faced definition.

~

I have mixed feelings about the guys being emotional in front of other gangs like that. Part of me knew they were emotional over their friend to cry in front of other gangs, and another part of me wanted to really throw a box of tissues at them so I wouldn't see their snot. So gross.

But Noboru was beaten with the power of friendship though. And, so was Rocky to some extent (in End Of Sky). Murayama and Hyuga will be other characters too. Basically all of them went through this too.

Actually! I have a thought that I'm curious about. Kinda. Nothing very serious. We know Rocky doesn't fight women, and that includes them having arguments too. Rocky's not that type of guy. But.. How do you think Rocky would act or react in a situation where his girlfriend really does argue with him about not taking the alliance (before alliances do happen). She argues with him, maybe gives him the cold shoulder.

I don't know why that thought came to mind.

Just kill Nikaido already.

But one thing that can happen when writing.. Since so many of these ideas haven't been mentioned in the show or movie, we could just try writing these ideas into our stories too. If we wanted to. I don't know.

~

I'm not a fan of Harry Potter. Actually.. I've seen just about every main popular movie franchise that's currently being remade again for some reason. I'm not a fan of any franchises if I'm being honest. I don't even know the appeal to Harry Potter, Twilight, Hunger Games in any ways.

That's fine if people enjoy those franchises. I don't though. I knew just way too many people who were fans of those franchises, so I was also stuck watching some of these movies. And I feel like Hunger Games, I feel like that was a watered down version of Battle Royale. So that is a reason why I hated that franchise. I've never cared for Harry Potter, or Twilight, any other franchises either since I never saw the appeal to it.

This is just my opinion.

Orange still looks like an Oya girl to me though.

~

So what I'm understanding... Is that they were really at a music award ceremony? That's all I know. I think they might have hosted the show. But I could be wrong about that. I'm still happy for these boys though since they're actually, finally, getting more recognition as actors now.

I keep seeing their pictures and videos because I have been following them for a while now. And not in a creepy stalker way! I just like some updates on my favorite celebrity's work.. Music, shows, movies, and a lot of other forms of their work in general. Anywyay. Every time I have seen these boys in suits, I keep thinking either mafia or business man in some way or another. Doesn't help that Sangyi's in a series that you can watch on Disney by the way, I'll have to find another way to watch the show. It's a police action crime drama series.. And Sangyi, being a pretty man that he is, is actually the villain in the series. So just seeing him wearing a suit with that cold look to him is giving me mafia vibes.

And I'm living for this. Sweetheart Jin, and temperamental nephew is trying to take over his uncle's illegal corporate business. I have to see.

That is the best of both worlds right there. I have so many shows that I have to watch, and so many movies I have to watch.. I have so much to watch right now that it isn't even funny. My brain will be very fried.

And, like always, my staring is between respectful and disrespectful.

~

I'm going to be watching Train To Busan in a few minutes. I have seen that movie before, once before when the movie first came out. Which was years ago. So I'm rewatching it again after many years later.. I am watching what I can of horror movies. Because they'd usually remove most of the horror movies right after October is over for some reason, so I'm overly indulgent myself in horror shows and movies right now.

I hate when channels do that. You're rushing to watch something, just before shows and movies are removed instead of taking your time.

I still don't know if we will ever get more seasons for Bloodhounds.. I'd have to blame the actress for doing reckless things like that during an entire production. They could've actually had more than one season.

I'm still annoyed about that.

One thing I do love about using musicians for my face claims, there is a lot of them who have different appearances to them. Different dyed hair, tattoos, piercings, anything and everything you could think of as an alternative styled character. And I do kinda want a pink character.

I know! I can't even say she has a golden pussy because they've never actually had sex yet. This guy's so whipped for a woman he never had sex with. I wouldn't be surprised if he ends up dead, or even in prison.

Why is this attractive guy so stupid... Why is he so whipped for them... Just why?! This man needs to have any common sense beat into him.

~

I'll have to figure something out for a nickname. Emoji, names, or just anything so I am not actually spamming your tags more than before..

i haven’t watched tokyo ghoul, but saiko is cute tho!

i’ve only been carded recently at a liquor store while me and my parents were taste-testing rums. it threw me for a second because it hasn’t happened in so long.

in australian schools, you can single lobe piercings at that’s it. in the more casual public schools, you can have belly piercings - or tattoos if you’re older - so long as they aren’t visible and you aren’t showing them at school or while wearing the uniform. i had one kid in my senior year who literally quit school after a teacher had to ask him to remove his nose piercing for too many days in a row. literally decided to not finish school in favour of not removing a nose piercing. i waited until i’d graduated to get my nose pierced. there was just so many idiots at my school getting told to remove a piercing they knew they weren’t allowed to have. one girl complained about having to take her’s out because ‘she’d just got it done’ and ‘it would close up’ - like BITCH! YOU KNEW YOU WOULDN’T BE ALLOWED TO WEAR IT AT SCHOOL! she was just so frustrating for the entirety of high school.

my dad has a lot of tattoos but they’re in reasonably easy to hide spots - except for the one he got matching with my mother on his wrist. normally i’m not a fan of matching couple tattoos but my parents had been together for like 25 years by the time they got them.

~

it happens twice! they do it with noboru and then it happens again with kohaku! two times they were like ‘okie best course of action is to cry real hard at our friend until they stop acting dumb!’. cobra and yamato’s joint power of friendship and crying real hard.

rocky trying to diffuse the argument but the gf is like, still arguing and making all good points. ‘the alliance is better for the sword district’, ‘are you guys not friends now?’, etc ect. eventually she just gives up and gives him the cold shoulders and he’s upset about it, but he’s still determined to deal with his problems himself. she’s probably a lil smug when the rest of the gangs come to hell the rascals and the alliance actually happens.

~

i liked the hunger games, mainly because it was one of those series i read when i was a teen so i have nostalgia about it. i prefer the books to the movies tho.

i didn’t watch twilight until literally 2020. i always thought it was dumb when i was a teen and it was still dumb when i was 22.

~

han river police! i’ve got that in my watchlist. i didn’t know sang yi was it in! i’ve been wanting to watch the divine fury too. it looks like do hwan is playing the villain in it. villain boys~

~

there’s two new worst of evil episodes out~~~~~ more content of my favourite idiot boy~~

i’m hoping bossman ends up getting away in the end, but at this rate it’s not looking good for him. and i’m so sad for him. dumb pretty boy’s gonna end up in prison. wi ha joon’s already been in a prison movie/show. shark: the beginning was pretty good tho.

~

i’ll just keeping it tagged ‘long post anon’ until you figure it out then!

~

so i watched double mints and ……. i do not know how to say anything about this movie. it was just fucked up scene after fucked up scene after fucked up scene. both male leads were just. So Unwell. there was just So Much wrong with both of them. they are both in need of so much therapy.

all that being said, i would watch it again.

also i was surprised the amount of actual kissing. i’ve watched a handful of japanese bl stuff, and usually the kiss gets cut off or blacked out or over the shoulder ‘implied’ kisses. these two were just going at it for the whole movie!

[rhyske]

the only horror game I've ever played was Alien Isolation and I got so scared I cried hahah. but yeah, I can watch some playthroughs on youtube because it feels like it's a bit more of a distance to it. sometimes even that is too scary for me and I just look up explained or theory videos haha. zombies, however, are something that I have little interest in, partly because of a phobia I struggled with for some years. a phobia of decaying things and zombies are kinda close to that! even playing Halo (which I love) has some zombie-ish elements and I just remember feeling really nauseous while playing those levels. 😅

yeah, Ikemen Sengoku was a mobile game, while monetization was egregious, I liked the concept with the story and the romance.

people should be able to enjoy what they want without shame IMO. My brother often makes fun of me for my hyper fixations so I've learned not to care what others think.

what are your top 5 otome games? ^^ 💜

Oh man I remember when Alien Isolation came out. I can't even imagine playing it. The stress alone would kill me! 😆 A lot of horror games have really interesting lore. Have you heard of Outlast? That was a wild one.

Oh no! D: That sucks you have a phobia like that, but it's also kinda a healthy one? At least you won't be exposing yourself to bad stuff, y'know? I used to have a lot of zombie dreams as a kid, and in almost every one I'd kill myself before the zombies could get to me. If I ever did face zombies in real life, I feel that phobia. I wouldn't want them anywhere near me.

I will never forget the utter terror and confusion the Flood had to little middle school me playing Halo for the first time.

Yeah mobile games are notorious for their absolutely terrible monetization practices, which does suck cause some have really good ideas.

I always get self aware of my hyper fixations. At the very least I try to not drown other people in it, since that has to get annoying for others. I'm glad you decided to not care 💕 Learning how to just let people be mean and not take it personally is such a life changer.

Oh gosh. Okay, uh. Code:Realize and Hakuoki I will always sing praises for. Hakuoki was my first ever otome, and was also the first officially localized Japanese otome to ever be brought to the west, so it has a very near and dear place in my heart. Code:Realize has the best MC I've ever seen in the genre. Her character development, the fact that she isn't some helpless girl and in fact saves herself and others is such a breath of fresh air. Her horologium is actually one of my tattoos! Code:Realize also has a great steampunk medieval London setting going too, and it actually was the first time I was introduced to steampunk!

Let's see... Aloners by @sonnet009games is a game I come back to at least every year. There's such a charm to it, and Trash is such a deep, fascinating character. The personality options are amazing, and Trash actually responds to those personalities. This is one of the few games where no choice except one very obvious one changes what ending you get, so there's no stress on choosing a "correct" option.

A more recent one that gripped my mind for weeks is Gilded Shadows by @steamberrystudio. New routes are still being released as free DLC, but my gods is the world building alone just absolutely fascinating. Like, I was that one meme of the guy in front of a wall trying to connect everything together 😆 Each route would add something to the lore and I'd be that other meme of the guy pointing. Each route too has such a distinct love interest, and the banter. The banter.

I have one more to finish the list. Hmmm... I dunno if I'll ever actually play this game again, but Cafe Enchanté is one I will absolutely never forget. It had such a sharp genre change that still to this day has me shaken. It makes you think it's all happy and light and it'll be like, a cute cafe slice of life with supernaturals involved but everything about that game is fucked up. Each love interest comes from a world that has something so intrinsically wrong with it, and piecing the overall mystery and history together blew my mind. Every new route I started had me anxious to see just how dark and messed up it was going to go, and I was never left disappointed. The final, unlockable route had me sobbing so hard that I had to put my Switch down for a little bit because I couldn't see past my tears.

This ended up being kinda more of a review of my top 5, like a "you should play these and this is why." Oops 😅

(adding on that Animal Lover is also really good and recently got a port for all consoles and is also one I highly enjoy)

[darkpoisonouslove]

8, 12, 22, 23, 27? :D

Hey! My brain was fried this last week but let's try this now!

8. Talk about a movie you love

I watched The Martian for the first time last year (it was actually the first movie I watched that year) and I've watched it about 5 times since then because it is so good! First of all, the director did a great job and that's not something that I usually tend to notice. But there are two specific moments that really stood out to me here - when we see the first potato plant that Wattney managed to grow on Mars and then when Wattney sees another human for the first time in years during the "extraction" for him. I'm telling you I CRIED! Second of all, the movie manages to be consistently funny despite how dire the situation is, which I think is not just a great choice but the only viable path to take this. The situation is extremely insane - an astronaut was accidentally abandoned on Mars because his crew thought him dead but it turns out he survived and now they have to race against time and space's constant attempts to kill him to get him home with the odds of success being extremely slim. It hardly gets more tense than that. But Wattney - the guy that was abandoned on Mars and could die any second, is the main catalyst of the funny moments in the movie. His situation is as dire as it gets so he copes through humor. It's the most human thing to do and instantly helps you as a viewer connect with him and feel just like he does. And voila! You're immersed not just in the story but in the emotions that Wattney himself is undergoing as someone who's stuck by himself on Mars. Instant success in making the movie touching and memorable. And third of all, this movie gives me hope for humanity. There is a lot of bureaucratic obstacles to overcome and certain people tend to get lost in protecting their public image but, ultimately, the entire world comes together in hopes of saving this one man that is fighting for his life every day on another planet. if anything, it's a perfect demonstration of why and how humanity has survived as long as we have - cooperation. And there's also a lot of really interesting problem-solving involved in the whole process that doesn't hurt the movie one bit. Actually, the science in it is very accessible, they explain everything and it's all captivating to watch. I highly recommend to anyone who hasn't seen it and if you've seen it, go watch it again!

12. Talk about a performance you love

Naturally, I cannot remember a single performance that has ever stood out to me now that I actually have a chance to talk about it. I tried to think of something else but I have to go with the main cast of Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle. All of the actors are practically invisible behind their characters. The script is great, of course, because they are all written like actual teenagers but the actors still carry it with their astounding performances. Especially Jack Black who is playing an Instagram-popular teenage girl. He never stops sounding and acting like he is that Instagram-popular teenage girl and his mannerisms are flawless! Every time he's on screen my brain goes "Oh, hi, Bethany! Hey, guys, it's Bethany!". Like someone said in a post here on tumblr, "If he doesn't get an Oscar for his role, we'll know the Academy is discriminating against action movies" (which, of course, they are because no Oscar for him!).

22. What do you think is the funniest movie ever made?

I don't watch comedy a lot but a movie that maybe isn't "the funniest" but makes me smile and laugh a lot if Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle. They've done so well with the chemistry between the cast, the video game angle, the actors going against their usual strengths and on top of that the movie has so much heart! The flow is very good and while there are serious moments, there is also a lot of fun to be had with the movie.

23. What do you think is the saddest movie ever made?

I don't know but it is a Bulgarian one, that's for damn sure! There's practically always an air of tragedy in Bulgarian movies, even when everything is more or less fine by the end.

There's a Bulgarian movie called Yesterday. I think that one would be my pick. I don't remember a lot from it because I haven't watched it in a long time but it's set in a school during the communist regime in Bulgaria and it follows a group of students but then one of them dies in an accident in the nearby river, I think. There's a lot of emotional nuance that I am thoroughly failing to convey here but I remember this haunting feeling of grief but also nostalgia to how things were yesterday (hence the title), before the boy's death.

In truth, though, there isn't a Bulgarian movie that isn't sad in some way (at least from the ones I've watched) and there also isn't a Bulgarian movie that isn't good.

27. What do you think is the best adaptation of a book? (film or TV)

By best I understand "one that I like the most", not "one that is the most faithful to the book".

I'm going to go with The Devil Wears Prada because the movie is actually a lot better than the book. It adds a lot of nuance not just to Miranda Priestly, but also to Andy. In the book Miranda is just a tyrant that's completely detached from reality whereas the movie makes her extremely demanding but also more sympathetic. You can understand that a lot of her impossible standards come from perfectionism not just directed at others but at herself as well and while she's still ultimately quite awful to her employees and even friends and family, she's a much more well-rounded and relatable character. And Andy is also more interesting in the movie because we see her start to take to the world of fashion and to Miranda herself. She is even seen defending Miranda because she has developed an understanding towards her and can extend empathy whereas in the book Andy hates Miranda with every fiber of her being. The truth is that the movie approach works better for the point the story is trying to make about Andy selling her soul to the "devil" because she really starts falling into Miranda's lifestyle and attitude towards her work and other people and there really is a danger of turning into the "devil" herself for Andy.

Lemme just... yeah, here you go - proof! (it's a video essay)

Send me film/tv asks

[callgespenst]

Finished Media, October 2022

I've gotten a lot out of posting about whatever I've read/watched/played most recently, so I'm going to try doing it as a month to month thing on here. Here's what I was doing this past month!

Tiger and Bunny 2: The rare long-awaited sequel that didn't let down ten years worth of expectations. Getting stuck in Netflix jail really killed the hype, but what can you do? I think I liked the first cour better than the second, not that the second was bad, but it felt more like a movie plot stretched out into a season. Sure hope that the third season (if that's feasible, no idea what the numbers look like on this one) doesn't take as long to drop.

Scooby Doo on Zombie Island, and the Witch's Ghost, and the Alien Invaders: apparently these were direct to video so I refer to them as OVAs, which is only reinforced by the solidly Japanese staff in the credits. All good fun. Alien Invaders was my favorite story, but Witch's Ghost had Tim Curry knocking it out of the park.

Powered Armor Dorvack: a 1984 robot cartoon that I never, ever thought I'd be able to watch with English subtitles. Two of the main mecha from the series got turned into Transformers (Whirl and Roadbuster), and that was all I knew about this going in. Lots of strong character episodes and a very unique last third. Wouldn't recommend it to anyone as their very first robot anime or anything, but if you're full up on the classics it's worth a look.

Fuuto PI: Fun enough on its own, but mostly I just want to rewatch Double now. If I hadn't sworn off the roleplay toys I would absolutely buy the Double Driver again.

Shawshank Redemption: putting this in the middle of the list really makes it stand out. I got married at the cabin shown in the opening scenes of the film where the guy's wife gets murdered, that's the main reason I wanted to see this. Sure wish America still consistently made movies like this.

Castlevania Symphony of the Night: The wonky voice acting is honestly extremely charming. Gameplay is still fun and nuanced several console generations later. Definitely want to play more from the series, but I think I'll save it for next spooky season.

One Piece Film Red: This was just a Macross movie. This is not a joke or an exaggeration. So I highly recommend it.

Dragon Ball (entire original manga): Rereading this all the way through as an adult was really eye-opening. Sure, you can really tell the points at which the editors told Toriyama "what the FUCK are you doing, buddy?" But it's still a great time, I got more than a little emotional at the climax of the final fight, even. I could probably write an essay about how Goku and Vegeta are the most mischaracterized dudes in the whole of western fandom, but not today.

That's everything! Here's what might be next:

Playing: Bayonetta 3

Watching: Witch from Mercury, Pop Team Epic, Do It Yourself!, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood

Reading: Happy Kanako's Killer Life. I might also (god help me) try and catch up on One Piece.

[abysmaldaemon]

Well, what did I expect. Honestly.

It's depressing I knew it would end up like this, and yet I was to slow to claim you for my own. Suppose it's my fault. I still think you're making such a huge mistake, but by god do I hope you find happiness within it.

I, think im going to officially give up on women, and, wanting a relationship. I devote a year to one, and obesses for 5 after she's done with me. Along comes another, who changes my world, for the better. I grow and learn to like and love her for 4-5 years, just for her to leave..for(to me) such a stupid fucking reason.

It what world does finding yourself have to do with giving a piece of yourself away to whoever you want or sleep with. That makes no fucking sense. It is so fucking stupid. We both had feelings for each other, we both liked each other. It's such a simple fucking answer, fucking go out and help each other grow. Be fucking happy. Love deep. Because doing things with strangers or even friends, people you trust isn't FUCK ALL unless you truly love the person. And as much as I think that you've made a dumb decision, you, yourself are not dumb. I truly, wish for nothing more, but your happiness.

Sighh.

I'm fucking 26 now, heh, anybody really think I have time to develop feelings for a girl again? I'm out of fucking time, next thing I know I'll be 28 almost 30. I'm not attractive, im a fucking 5/10 on a good day, maybe 4. I'm a underweight 95lb 5'6 little kid face fucking boy. So unless you got a thing for shotas, I dont fucking exist to girls. By the time I'm in my late 20s early 30s, all that's gonna be left is people with kids, trauma, and a whole lot of baggage. As if that's not the case already, hahaha. I'll admit I've been through some shit, I aint perfect. But I know how to be content with life, even at its worse.

Yet that doesn't mean none of it fucking hurts.

Nobody gives a fuck how a guy is feeling. Just a fact. So I'll sit here, and ache with my broken heart, yet again. Tis nothing new, just a feeling that's been long gone and resurfaced anew. Till only time can yet again, make said pain fade away. Yet within the mind remains, the love, the loss. So, you tell me, does it ever truly go away?

I've made a quote in my darkest time more than a decade ago, and it still holds to this day.

"Life is pointless, it all ends in pain."

And by god, at this point, I can't wait for this fucking pain to end. Cause life isn't worth living. Not in the absolute slightest. I truly, have no reason, and no motivation to try and do anything with my life.

I genuinely do not give the slightest fuck about my well being, or how I feel.

So you know what, I say bring it on life.

Make me eat fucking shit, make me hurt so fucking bad I do end my life. Or even better yet, make it hurt just enough where I get by everyday and live everyday wanting to kill myself but not hurt enough to where I can't go through with it. Really make it wanna hurt to where if I'm born again, I'll remember all this fucking pain and torment that I fucking kill myself as soon as possible.

I want my soul to be fucking erased from existence. I never want to live or be born again. The next time I die, let it be for good.

Because I'm sick of this. I'm sick of all this.

Sighh. Now what? Who knows. Go to work occasionally. Play games if I feel up to it, which never is a problem, but I'm hurting to much. I dont give a fuck about video games. Nothing good to watch, unless it's typically comedic romance anime. As if that's what I need to see.

Think I'll spend the next few months letting the dread set in. Just lay around, and do absolutely nothing. Probably won't eat anything cept like once a day if that.

Any normal person would harm themselves but I'm such a pussy I can't handle physical pain so I starve myself despite being again, a 5'6 95lb "man" if you wanna call me that.

Kinda don't want this post to end. I have no one to be open with, or talk to but myself. Then again probably for the best since I'm such a negative motherfucker, and what I say makes sense in my head.

Sighhh. Shittiest part of this all is, I'll fucking live. I always fucking do. No matter how much I go through, how much it hurts. I always live.

But I'm not strong anymore, not like how you once said "F". Heh, now I'm just numb. A hollow shell, that was once brought back to life with love and care thanks to "E".

Just to end up back to how I was.

Funny how things come around.

I guess I should call this post.

Currently Sep 25th, 2022

Might update this profile to look at anime artwork, might not. Will continue to use the #kill me for life bullshit.

To myself, later loser, let's see how much more hell we can get through, before we end it all.