#again Ive never been able to experiment? and I also just dont know if theres anyone Id be willing to date in practice

[chisatowo]

Watching videos essays abt political stuff is fun except for the fact that it's abt real life and it's not fun

[szayelapowo]

fuck i know what i am now i finally figured it out

originally i thought i was a hellhound that tried to escape hell and was punished by being born into this sick diseased human body, but that never felt quite right. or at least not the first part. the second part is sort of right though.

what i actually am is a rogue church grim. i was a normal dog at first. i had an owner but he betrayed me by burying me alive in a newly built graveyard. then after i became a ghost i found out what happened and that i would be forced to protect the humans that were buried there after me and i was pissed. i thought my owner cared about me. i thought i could trust humans but i was wrong so i decided i wasnt gonna do what they wanted. why should i be forced to guard humans after what they did to me?

my memories are still pretty hazy and theres a several hundred year gap between when that wouldve happened and when i was born into this existence but i remember being stuck and miserable there for a while. i had another owner at some point though. like an evil thing, not human. i could shapeshift into a red dragon and white cat (and maybe other things?) for some reason too. what i think happened was the evil thing gave me that power and freed me from being bound to the cemetery, but in exchange for that freedom and power i had to agree to eventually be reborn as a severely disabled human (as punishment for the intense hatred i had of them).

idk what will happen after i die again. ig probably ill go to hell. was it worth it? idk but at least i got to meet szay, so yeah ig maybe it was. i just hope i can stay with him after bc hes my owner now and always will be.

but it all makes too much sense.

a) why i havent died yet despite the ridiculous amount of diseases i have. its because im not allowed to die, my punishment hasnt ended yet. i guess it wont end even when my body finally gives out since my hatred and negativity are only getting stronger the more pain and trauma i experience. i was born a month early and almost died at three days old. i should have, the doctors said i would likely have brain damage (i do). only reason i survived was because i hadnt fulfilled the agreement with the evil thing yet.

b) why i hate humans and never trusted them. i know there are good ones out there but how would i know which ones they are when the one i thought was good fucking murdered me? so i just dont allow anyone to get too close because how do i know they wont do it again? i cant trust anyone.

c) why im obsessed with the idea of being someones pet, of having an owner (szay now). because thats how it was before the pain started, when i felt loved. and then again after that, but that was a more negative experience.

d) why i refuse to take orders from anyone except my owner/mate (szay). why i get so pissed off, violent, and suicidal whenever someone tries to tell me i "have to" do anything, especially cops or the government. id literally rather die again than be forced to do what they want just because they say so. they have no right to make me do anything. if they threaten me with imprisonment for refusing then ill just kms out of spite. fuck them all, theyre not my owners. only szay has that kind of authority over me.

e) why ive had nightmares since i was a toddler (maybe before that but i dont remember anything from this life before age 2-3) of humans trying to kill me and turning into a black dog or red dragon to either defend myself or escape.

ive also always had a natural instinct to growl and bite when humans look at me or get too close. even as a toddler, before the abuse and trauma started (or before i perceived it as that and it started affecting me emotionally anyway).

ive always been able to feel my claws, fangs, ears, tail, and fur, (and rarely wings) and my joints always hurt because theyre in the wrong places, (and my buttcrack constantly aches because my tail aint there gdi) but the feelings get more intense when im scared or pissed. i itch and feel invisible bugs on me all the time too, probably fleas? my guts always hurt too either because theyre built wrong or because im not supposed to be able to eat human food (but you can take my chocolate away from me when i die for good lmao)

that last part (the phantom body parts, pain, and bugs) i guess is probably hallucinations from being schizospec, but everything else is real. i know its not a delusion, its just what i was before this existence.

...this post is a mess im sorry. there was more i wanted to say but i forgot. the pain in my intestines and joints is getting bad again. ugh.

[girlboyzone]

ok ive finished :) and i do have thoughts. area unknown has been really special. its a rare bird in terms of minecraft content and theres just so many important stories being told there. the way it relates to the wider sunship canon or whatever its called is amazing, and the otehr ppls content like oli's dedicated grinding, moonzy's beautiful buildings or graaavel's awesome lore (HIS LORE VIDEO WAS SO GOOD. IT WAS SO FUCKING GOOD. THE MUSIC????? YEA), was all so amazing to witness.

BUT i do have some criticisms if you dont mind me sharing. none of it is with ill intent and i understand why the decisions that were made happened but i still think its worth pointing out.

im disappointed with how aimsey and scott's arc was left off, because i dont think it reached a satisfying conclusion at all and the loose threads they left didn't feel like a culmination of their relationship. aimsey and scott's conversations are some of my favourite parts of the lore because their relationship is so, SO interesting and really worth exploring. so ending it by saying "scott just got bored and went back to hell" was not a good move i feel. i really wanted to see something more there.

guqqie does touch on hera's influence when she discovers the grave but to be honest i dont understand why she was allowed to get married to aimsey and have a happy ending. hera has made a point of dooming them in every single universe and she just loves torturing her little experiment, and her influence has continued into season two with egging aimsey and oli on with the lab, so i really don't understand why guqqie was able to seperate herself from this and later get married when that has never been allowed before

i guess that everything was intentionally left pretty open ended so things could change in future, guqqie did say she'd write something up later this week which could give answers to what i mentioned above. and who knows, maybe in the years guqqie and aimsey were split hera could have been defeated in some way. maybe guqqie went back and confronted her or something idk. i would really like to see something like that though. and of course that open-endedness leaves room for aimsey and scott to do something which would also be great. but yeah those are my less great thoughts about the finale. but do not be fooled just because it wasnt absolutely perfect didnt mean i didnt enjoy it/think it was bad

FORTUNATELY it has given me a great window to start working on that au because i really want to develop scott and aimseys arc, explore aimsey's feelings as a demon and the horror that comes with that, and his relationship to hera because the one time they interacted always gives me chills. so i think the finale was flawed but thats ok because now i can go in and do awesome stuff with my own ideas for a bad ending. because i like hera cannot let the characters rest. ineed to be stopped hehehe

but yeah apart from that i did really enjoy the finale. it did feel like area unknown. the party, never have i ever, michela being hilarious and caitees being weird, and of course heartbreaking sunship lore. it genuinely gave me the same warm feeling as when i was watching through all those vods from 2022 when they were just messing around or screaming at each other in the rain. area unknown needed to end. no one seemed to want or have the time/inspiration/motivation to do stuff on it anymore, and the characters needed a conclusion and to be let go so they could just be in their own right. i'm glad that its done. it was really special. i cant wait to see what everyone does next :3

i agree heavily on the scott and aimsey topic, i wish we could’ve gotten more development of their relationship or seen scott in s2 bc there was a psrt of his house i think somewhere and then he was never mentioned again iirc, but they were probably both too busy or something to do anything which is ok i’ll just make it up in my head :3

and i hope there is a bit more of something w hera and auguqqies whole thing and how hera allowed ausunship to get married, or how all that went. i’m just really curious

anyways love u sneef thank u for liveasking to me this has been very fun :333 <3 im rlly glad u liked area unknown!!!!!!!

[deafeninggardenerpanda]

Here are 3 different suggestions

Metalor

Metasusie

Metadedede.

I know sort of obvious choices, but I'm curious to see what opinions you have on these ships.

did metadede so its time for metalor and metasusie! putting both of these under the cut because youre getting my double opinion whammy. obligatory "its not every shipper obviously im just generalizing based on personal experience" dont let my opinions stop you from shipping something unless its like problematic obvs lol

theres nothing wrong with metalor but it unfortunately does fall into my "red flag ship" category

ill reiterate my definition of that again for people who didnt catch it in my last rant: what i call red flag ships are ships that are totally fine on paper, but for some reason the shippers and fandom culture surrounding it are just rancid and it throws me off liking the ship all together. and then i get kinda sussed out by people who ship it

honestly i have never gotten the appeal of this one or understood the dynamic at all. and thats fine of course. i did try reading a couple fics about it even, and in them its usually like. meta doing some shit that makes absolutely no sense under the guise of "he has a good reason for it" that just Coincidently happens to land him and magolor into some relationship-implying situation. and also the "good reason" meta knight had for doing whatever was not a good reason and was in fact a huge stretch of a reason for sake of moving the relationship along quicker. which you know i dont shame at all, i get that sometimes you just want to get to the juicy shit and people are absolutely allowed to do that, but that really just sums up my feelings on the ship entirely lol. stretches and stretches of reasonings for them to get together that dont entirely, or sometimes even remotely, make sense but okay they end up together in the end somehow 🤷

the fact that the ship is the two most popular and thirsted over men in the series together is the reason why this one lands into red-flag territory im so sorry. it attracts some um. interesting people who end up being somewhat pretentious about their own interpretations on the characters and some people get a little scary or intense about it. also of course occasionally their relationship being boiled down to whoever ships them nonstop thirsting for both of them but thats like just fandom culture for you, i really cant judge. people do that with metadede too to be fair. also a lot of metalor shippers ive seen are just downright mean for some reason. anyone else notice that or have i just been running into bad people

as people might be able to tell by how fairly neutral about it i seem, this one is yeah one of the less red flag-y of what i consider red flag ships. its totally fine. i personally really dont like the ship but its only like 60-70% of the shippers who i squint at compared to the Abysmal rates of other red flag ships. speaking of, by the way...............

ah the fandoms problem child. its metasusie

i Do think its possible to ship this one in a healthy manner. actually even in a not healthy matter as long as youre explicit about it being not healthy and its just one of those ships you find interesting due to the drama. ive read metasusie fics where it was explicitly about how fucked up the relationship can be and theyre very very fascinating from a story and character perspective if you want to explore a tragically evil but still nuanced susie. i would say highly recommend, but i dont actually because a lot of them just lean into weird unnecessary torture porn. its somewhat of a fine line between tasteful and untasteful

ANYWAYS brief tangent aside, i think its possible to ship this one in a healthy manner because you know me i would be a hypocrite to bash an enemies to lovers ship, but it obviously relies on susie needing to recognize her faults and make up to meta knight in some way, plus improve as a person in general. its somewhat of a grey area depending on various factors, both game and real life perspective-wise, how redeemable one considers the whole mechanization and dehumanization though so i dont blame people who absolutely dont trust the ship

speaking of lets get into the way this one is Definitely the reddest of the red flag ships ever. metasusie shippers what are you doing oh my god

the. the. the the when you the when you woobify susie. i do not use that word lightly in regards to susie in particular because of how often its misused by people who hate her just to mean "im mad that people are making cute friendly content of a character i dont like". no im using it in the actual proper way as in why in the world do i go around and see some metasusie shippers saying "people who hate metasusie are so stupid, susie literally never hurt meta knight in canon!!!" i shit you NOT that is a legit take ive seen a Lot of people have nearly word for fucking word and its like. what are you ON did we even play the same game?? did you even play the game at all??? are you as white and dense as a sack of flour and thats why it went over your head?????

people will try to make the excuse that they have headcanon or interpretation differences that lighten the whole endeavor, which yeah that fair. you can imagine mecha knight was just some suit they put over him rather than anything invasive like a lot of people think. thats absolutely fair. you can imagine that meta knight still retains parts of his super star personality where he was kinda okay with the mechanization in some twisted personal ambition way because hes a power hungry guy who will take any means necessary to be stronger. thats also pretty fair. ah you think this is sounding favorable to the metasusie shippers huh. WRONG. WRONG. YOU CAN THINK ALL OF THIS BUT NONE OF THIS EXCUSES THAT THE WHOLE MECHANIZATION WAS STILL WRONG NO MATTER HOW YOU TWIST IT. tfw mecha knights theme is called "inner struggle" definitely implying that he did Not like being mechanized and was trying to fight against it. tfw the elephant in the room being mechanization is of course a metaphor for colonization which is not a good thing to do to someone regardless whether or not they seem cool with it. tfw THE DEHUMANIZATION. TFW METASUSIE SHIPPERS GO HEEHOO HEEHOO CUTE SHIP AND POLE VAULT OVER THE DEHUMANIZATION. HI.

regardless whether or not you have interpretation or headcanon differences, you Cannot ignore the fact that the game does not exist in a vacuum and its themes are undoubtedly tied to real life parallels. in ignoring those parallels or sidestepping them when theyre so blatant and in your face Yes you kinda are being a huge asshole. susie calling mecha knight an It and being like heres our newest product :) while also having the dissonance of being like hes such a cool strong handsome knight is supposed to directly refer to how colonizers will fetishize the people they colonize while fucking over them and their home because they only like them as a surface level Idea rather than actually respecting their culture and them as fellow human beings right im not just being insane making all this up??? huh???? ive gotten away from my original point i feel but tldr IF YOU PRETEND LIKE SUSIE NEVER HURT OR DID ANYTHING TO META KNIGHT I WILL THROW YOU INTO A GRAIN SILO. NO!!!

anyways if you have susie getting a redemption arc yes youre so cool. if you have them getting together okay thats cool. if you draw susie/mecha knight art and act like its cute im throwing you into the grain silo too. if you dont have susie properly redeeming herself and ship her with meta knight even though shes still weird about him and still colonizing people then i dont trust you and thats the category most metasusie shippers fall in

i also want to bring up the people ship it out of spite, because theres been a big spite-shipping metasusie resurgence in the past year thanks to weird stalking drama sparked by a very certain someone people might remember. yall need to realize that going harder on something that understandably makes people uncomfortable and trying to push back by pretending the ship is (by default) more harmless than it is and pretending that everyone who dislikes it is automatically being unreasonable just because Some people are yikes to metasusie shippers is Not the play to take. it just makes you look like an inconsiderate asshole. two people being assholes to each other does not cancel out it just makes an even bigger fire. get some critical thinking skills yeah

its not the fault of anyone who wants to make cute metasusie content that susie is very explicitly a colonizer and a lot of people have strong feelings about that, bbbbbbbbut i hope it came across in this whole tangent that if you try lessening the blow of her actions against meta knight people have full right to hate your guts imo

EDIT: extremely last minute edit but i just straight up forgot that people who arent lgbtq+ exist in this fandom and thus didnt mention it: can we bring up the amount of homophobes who love this ship purely because its strong cool masculine man x cute pink feminine girl. does anyone remember that one guy who was big on metasusie and had "christian" in his bio and also had "will not do lgbt+" in his commission sheet or is that just me. its so fucking funny. it makes me cry laugh whenever i think about it. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

[wholemleko]

updates ig???

(reposted from my deviantart)

so i guess this is like. my plans for the future or at least where i feel like im at when it comes to comics and such.

tl;dr - bird of death is my main project now and everything else is in uncertain limbo

details under the cut:

first thing is just, the state of my projects. bird of death, which im posting now, has completely taken over my brain and its something i enjoy working on much more because its part of a bigger project that im working on with a group of 6 other people and ultimately i think art is a social thing for me. at this point ive also got a 115+ page buffer which ive never even come close to before, so i feel very much at ease about being able to put it out into the world without the months long hiatuses ive gone on with my other comics. plus, it has elements in it that are largely influenced by ideas from my previous projects which i guess leads me to my next point...

which is that im growing burnt out of my older comics. i had for a long time. i occasionally experience moments where i really love my old stories again and give myself the impression that im ready to get back into them, but then it always ends up being temporary and fizzling out again just a week or so later. like venturing. i spent years working on it and theres so much left of the story for me to tell, things that i am still excited to show. but at the same time, its a story i started when i was 16 and i guess this happens to a lot of creators, but my writing style is so different now and when i look back at it i cringe. theres also the factor that felix is almost like an undercooked version of my protagonist in bird of death (for reasons that have only vaguely been revealed). so when i think about writing his story it just feels like. he's the same guy but more poorly put together by a younger me.

this same thing goes for another comic project that ive never shared publicly but which ive been working on for just as long as ive been working on venturing. its actually the story im using for my final project for my degree lmao. the characters in it that im most invested in feel like early drafts for characters from bird of death... the catharsis of writing them has moved to this new story. my old projects just feel like early drafts of this new one but wearing different clothes. they are all born of the same train of thought.

then theres the matter of my fancomics. children of decay is so early on and undercooked that i barely have anything to say about it except that i still love the idea of having a warriors comic, but man i am just not invested in it the way i am with bird of death. (also the fact their titles are so similar... feels silly lol).

my moomin fancomics are a whole other matter... im not the writer for them, and theres still a ton of content that i wanted to cover. im still only in the first chapter of blackthorn tree, and i wanted to adapt 4 more fics afterwards. they are stories that i love, and which continue to be very dear to me, but the inspiration that gave me is, again, now being channeled into my newest project. i guess that makes sense, given that my protagonist was originally made to be a moomin oc. ive also felt increasingly disconnected from the moomin fandom, not because i like the series itself any less, but the fandom landscape is just very different from what it was. another factor is that i did actually have the rest of chapter 1 almost finished, but i lost all those files when my old ipad got fried and this really bummed me out, just a further discouragement.

putting all these things on the backburner feels bad. i dont like saying that i dont know when or even if i will come back to certain projects. i know lots of people enjoyed what i was making, especially venturing and the moomin comics. but i just cant find it in myself to commit to them again now that this new project has pretty much overtaken me, and i dont know if that commitment will ever come back. this isnt to say that i am putting an end to any of them or that im quitting them. just that they are not the thing i am committed to, and i am putting them into uncertain limbo. it feels smarter to concentrate my energy on a project i am much more devoted to now, which is very developed, and which i am making alongside other people who are also very devoted to the greater project.

if u got this far thanks for reading, and thanks to all those who've supported me over the years in my creative endeavors

[mcl38]

Trigger warning for homophobia and hate. For your last ask….I also think there is a huge difference in where and when you grew up with how it comes to how you perceive these types of coded words. I grew up in the 80s and 90s in rural America when children in my elementary school played a playground game called “Smear the Queer” and said you would go to hell for being gay. I remember the death of Mathew Shepard at the hands of hateful people crying gay panic and being told if you were gay you would die from AIDS and that HIV was Gods punishment. I remember hearing the word queer and twink and faggot being said with hate and derision. I remember being told twink was short for “twinkee” because a twink was “young, dumb, and full of cum”. I remember a limp wrist gesture being a deadly insult to the boys in my school. It took me many many many years to even admit to myself I was gay. I still don’t talk about myself or my partner with the people I work with cause even now I just feel like you never know who is hateful. I can’t imagine someone openly yelling out a gay slur in the street anymore, but I can imagine not getting a promotion at work. I feel very disconnected from the current generation and their use of gay coded language which my whole childhood was used with such hurt. It’s like homophobia went from what I experienced in my youth of being open and in you face to being all these coded cutesy terms. It sure feels like all the same insinuations are all still there just coded differently. Or maybe I’m just old and out of touch and letting my experiences color how I see things now. It’s even hard for me today to accept the reclamation of the word queer by the lgbtq+ community so I know my experience color my perception of thing.

no i think ur absolutely right. its not that ur old and out of touch, i think its that the younger generation is naive and overly comfortable. i have not had an experience nearly as intense as you in my childhood but i think growing up in quite a heavily homophobic country like romania and then moving to the uk was still quite a big culture shock to me. i kind of had the idea as a teen that romania as a whole is a homophobic culture and the west just isn't to that level (mostly out of jealousy for the things i was seeing on the internet lmao) and that perception deffo changed since ive been living here. essentially what i realised was that (especially) men were almost as shitty to women and gay people in the uk as they were back home, just way more covertly, because they knew how to say all the right things. so the only consequence of this for me personally was just that in the uk i am more likely to be negatively surprised by someone who i thought was chill, whereas in romania i was more likely to b positively surprised by someone who seemed like theyd have a horrible reaction to me coming out. but as far as i can tell british people themselves dont clock this at all, and a lot of them will just assume that if theres no overt discrimination happening then theres no discrimination at all. which is kinda scary from my pov but again, like u, idk whether to feel like im just reacting to my own circumstances and projecting

so to bring this back to what u said anon, i too am just naturally suspicious of stuff that seems inocuous in current western pop culture, which is why i too am so weirdly bothered by this new 'mctwink' thing and the greater trend that the portmanteau is a part of. even in terms of the reclaiming of 'queer', which is such a hotly debated topic that its become associated with a lot of other lgbt in-fighting, having been on the internet and in academic spaces enough to witness the sanitisation of the word 'queer' has been quite jarring if im being honest. in an academic space to me it feels like a euphemism with the same vibe as 'differently abled' instead of disabled and 'fluffy / huggable' instead of fat, where the word is said by cishet ppl not out of a genuine care for the community its meant to represent but rather out of a fear of accidentally saying smth wrong by calling the thing what it is (in this case, gay). people are still so goddamn afraid of the word gay in super progressive english humanities academia and its actually quite funny like thats the ONE word no one minds u using but bc YOU have ur own biases to unpack u think its a bad word, ykwim? anyways. this is a lot of digressions

i think there is a point where we have to accept that language changes. im very anti prescriptivist in that i think we should embrace linguistic evolutions and neologisms and all that bc like at the end of the day we don't make the rules, the zeitgeist does. and i worry that holding on to certain meanings and connotations of words after the words kind of stop carrying them is dangerously close to ppl who insist on using slurs or derogatory language because 'when i was young it didnt used to be an insult'. like i used to treat the usage of 'queer' exclusively as derogatory because of its history but at some point i had to look within myself and accept that the ppl whose classes im taking and whose books im reading are NOT using the word as a slur so i should not assume that to be their intent. which ik is a hard pill to swallow - especially hard for someone like u, anon, who also has trauma surrounding those words. idk i think the lgbt & academic communities shouldve been a lot kinder in that specific transition but whats done is done now i guess

so yeah. now we reach the silly little fandom squabble that's really only a tiny fraction of this bigger cultural issue. but as discussed before i DO think people are using these new tiktok terms as well as the repopularisation of the word twink in a secretly kind of derogatory way, maybe even subconsciously. and i do think straight but maybe not entirely masculine people like lando and oscar are somehow the target of that homophobia, but they r not the victim of it. there just is a sort of fetishisation and derision that happens in the process of calling them twinks that has subtle but real repercussions in the wider cultural environment. and to real gay ppl. 🥴 fun stuff

and re: this i think again this is a complicated distinction to make. mostly because this website rly does host the lgbt community in the way that a tiktok algorithm thinking ur gay and shoving other random gay ppl in ur face just doesnt. but bc of the fact that this is a curated community AND bc of the relative decay of tumblr, we tend to think that our community is disconnected from the most, when time and time again 2 or 3 years later the discourse on this website ends up rehashed on more popular social media to varying degrees of bastardisation. so yes obviously part of the thin line ur talking abt is stuff like the idea of lando or oscar actually seeing the things ppl call them, but at the same time it's not like we get away scot free with doing whatever. in the way that in 2019 f1 shipping and rpf were an isolated niche thing and now the formula 1 twitter account is tweeting on main about 'lestappen' even using that specific portmanteau. see what i mean? which is y im complaining on here abt the twinklaren situation, even though on twitter it doesn't seem nearly as prevalent, because i know it's gonna catch up at some point

[ratgingi]

Do you have any fun facts or headcannons about your ocs? You have really cool characters :DDD

THANK U ...... im grabbing you forcefully and sitting u down amongst my plushies to ramble at you

misc facts under cut :-]

- i dont really have specific ethnicities for most of the jack dlc cast, but exie + her sibling, cora's little brother jr, and margo are all mixed

- nobody knows why charlie never takes off his gloves. even lillith hasnt ever seen his actual hands. if you met him past a certain point in his life you just missed the chance i guess. its entirely possible that its just because he likes being mysterious about it

- murr and his brother atticus (who ive yet to. design and show off. dont worry about that) are twins and complete opposites personality wise, atticus is a very pretentious rich guy and lives in a different state. in murrs route there would be a scene somewhere where youd be able to videocall atticus, during which you and murr just get bullied for being poor like 30 minute straight

- outis' friend, stop, has been hit by cars on multiple occasions, and it absolutely will happen again. theres a margo end im working on in which you get to hit them with a car actually

- juniper is friends with ashton, kipper, and alma. they have a band together but its only for fun :-]

- cinder lives in a little house somewhat out of the way of town that she built herself and she has a massive garden that a lot of the flowers in her shop comes from. oopsie and kipper work for her and often get to visit her place to help gather flowers for the shop

- roe collects things he considers 'timeless', such as books, trinkets, and photos. his house has a lot of these things. also he likes birds. he has a friend who owns an aviary that he visits occasionally when he gets stressed

- when roe flips his head around in the morning to keep the sand flowing, it feels similar to how popping your neck does. however, much like popping your neck, if he is not careful about how he does it he can injure himself. and it also make a horrible popping noise when he does it

- margo did have a typewriter head for a short period of time but got bored of it and had her head changed to the bell. when she gets stressed and needs grounding she shakes her head around and it makes a loud bonging noise. it was already cracked like that when she got it

- continuing head talk, the part of outis' head that is damaged is not the main part but the reciever. the part of the reciever that allows it to hook onto the main phone is broken and doesnt allow it to stay in place for more than a few seconds. he often has to hold the reciever in order to keep it from dragging on the ground and getting further damaged on things, and he has a slight bit of hearing trouble

- michy likes to experiement with all kinds of fasion, which does include more masc styles sometimes. she absolutely rocks suits and likes ones that have silly patterns on them

- juniper befriends stray cats and brings them into the apartment building often to feed them and stuff. jackson lets his friends have spare keys to his place, so theres been multiple times hes come home to her having brought 3 random strays into his place to feed them leftovers from his fridge

- charlie is very strong, however lillith is the one who does all the heavy lifting around the morgue, usually because they volunteer to do so. they dislike showing off their strength in front of others but are genuinely stronger than pretty much everyone in jack dlc. jackson is a bit stronger than they are but they could easily kick his ass because everyone could

- three townies i havent talked much about are military, gym, and dancer. theyre a polyam couple that would appear across a few different routes, mili is a security guard with military style training, gym is a personal trainer at well. the gym. but theyre named gym because they also used to be a professional gymnist, and dancer is a professional ballet dancer. mili is a butch lesbian nd is very smart and scary but shes also pretty kind and mostly keeps to herself, gym is genderfluid, pansexual, and a bit of a snarky asshat who is big on gossip, and dancer is a transwoman whos very sweet but has a short temper much to her own dismay. dancer and gym are the other two townies who appear during kara's scene at the funfair

- i havent talked abt them yet so margos gingling a chameleon for a head, coras is gonna be either a rat or some sort of reptile, and alex + bernies is a two headed jackalope

[floridensis]

the naturalist at Favorite Park was talking about the park’s wetland - i didnt know before tonight that it was an INTENSE restoration project, and that like twenty years ago that entire part was all invasive australian pine and they had to kill them all and then pretty much build the whole thing. she talked about how in record rains, the water would come all the way up past the sand strip (a remnant of the plot’s past popularity with ATVs) and under the pavilion we were standing in. ive never seen it get nearly so high, ive never seen the sand strip go under. she also talked about the record breaking heat and dryness from recent summers, and how recently you were able to see the lake bottom, mud cracked like you might expect a desert to look. but she said that everything seems to rebound fine when the rains come back.

“but theres one thing that i have yet to see come back,” she said, and i wiggled a bit forward on the bench in anticipation - “and i really want to see it again, because it is listed as endangered,” and im now literally on the edge of my seat because i KNOW shes going to talk about the nodding clubmoss - “it’s called nodding clubmoss, and it looks kind of like a norwegian pine tree. i haven’t seen it since”

and i got a bit overcome with excitement and have no idea what kind of full body gesture i made, but it was dark out so it didnt really matter. i was like “oh!!!! yeah i havent seen them for a long time either and i would look every time, but i saw them again! i was here on a native plant society trip, and my friend was hoping to see them. i took him to where that big dense population used to be, but we still couldnt find any. i was sitting in the dirt, telling him i was really worried that they had all died off and were all gone. i know this is like the only place they still exist in the county, so i thought they might be GONE gone. and the he said, ‘you mean like this?’ and pointed to one tiny clubmoss!!” she was glad to hear it and i told her where we found it, and then used what i said as a jumping off point for a bit of a speech, because she wanted to talk about my fear for the existence of the clubmoss. she has been doing restoration work in various natural areas in the county for about 20 years, and in that time she has seen so many things that seemed to be on the brink, or gone, but then when the circumstances are right, they will come right back. sometimes on their own, sometimes with help, often with a bit of both. and whenever she hears people talking about inevitable doom, she just wants to share with them all the wonderful little comebacks shes seen, just in her very small scope, and how many little comebacks there must be all over the world considering her experience is certainly not exceptional. i followed up with mentioning how amazed i was that the wetland - currently the last known home in the county for both the clubmoss and sundews - was initially covered in australian pines, which are known to grow in huge stands choking out the MASSIVE majority of other plants below. if youve ever been in one of those, its incredibly barren. other plants do manage, but for the most part the ground is just covered in swaths of pseudo-pine duff. that they survived the australian pine invasion, all the upheaval that went into converting it from the australian pine stand to the wetland it is now, and then in the case of the clubmosses, having dried out to the point that i do believe like every living individual at the time did die off like two years ago.... its amazing. she said she has no idea what the populations of either were like during the australian pine days even though she was there working on it. so i dont think she saw any. she supposes they were just waiting for the right conditions. the sundews (and until recently the clubmosses) have such a big healthy population it’s hard to imagine the population was ever not doing well. it’s not like either species is one that expands its range easily, especially with no other local populations. this got a little more long winded and meandering than i intended but thats what i do. anyway i just think the resiliency is awesome

[wanderrlust0]

1/2

honestlyyy my bf is lucky to have me!! bc ive seen and heard things that i feel like another girl would probably not give him more chances or go off on him out of frustration. even his sister told me she’d do things differently. idk im not trying to shit on him at all bc hes a really good person and i love him very much and want to be with him for the rest of my life. i just know that if it was the other way around with all the things we both have done, he would notttt trust me and he already has trust issues. i mean im not perfect either..yes i have done some small things before, but it was without any personal feelings and any intimate physical touch. now, there is a lot of context and things for part of what he did and the situation we were stuck in so like its not as bad as it sounds.. but STILL lol im just thinking. like i know if one of us had to break up with each other it would def be him breaking up with me. i just know. theres already been times where he would sound like he would and he’d make all these confrontations feel so serious. also, hes still a man. yes hes he/they, masc presenting, but he still thinks like men. im not trying to offend anyone pls if literally anyone reads this far so ill explain what i mean. he did not have good luck with girls in hs and so he worked on himself to look better and then got the attention from girls he craved back then. got some experience, got a gf, got cheated on, got dating apps again but stayed fwb with his ex until calling it off when we started dating. i know he can move quickly with things and act on his high sexual drive. if anyone whos considered attractive gives him attention, he could entertain the idea or like he starts to compare me and itll make me feel like im not enough and dont match his lifestyle. i feel like its easier for him than me to start seeing people in a sexual way and want to get in their pants. idk if it could be like the female attention since he doesnt always feel good about himself and now that a pretty girl shows interest its like it gets to his ego. again, i sound like im shitting on him but im not, im just thinking i can type it all out and leave it here bc ive never talked about this or wrote about it. i found out today that he did stuff with his friend ~3 yrs ago while me & him were on a break and me and her are like friendly acquaintances and we went to her baby shower, gender reveal party, & he went to her wedding, all after they did it. he really only told me now bc her husband i guess just found out somehow and msgd my bf about it and said he’ll go msg me about it. he didnt want me to find out first thru someone else, which i appreciate that he was able to tell me first, but its also like okay damn they really did that. and yes it was years ago so i honestly didnt feel hurt about it i was just more shocked. like.. he was on a break with me and felt single and he says shes cheated before so it just happened with them and they didnt do it again. funny thing is that her husband was already suspicious of him years ago and thinking he was only friends with her to do stuff and now shit, he was partially right. honestly, thats a dumb mistake on her end, like she was engaged or almost engaged at the time. also, for the record, he hooked up with (for what i know now) 2 other people during that time period, so 3 within our 1 month break. one didnt involve any feelings i presume and the other one had a shit ton bc they went on actual dates and shit and she ended it bc they both or just she didnt wanna settle. she was 3 yrs younger than him and yes.. i did stalk her a bit bc i needed to know, why her, who she is, etc. and i could already tell she got around..but whatever, i already coped from that lol. back to his friend, he knows she was with someone & he knows her man already didnt like him. even tho she didnt care, he still went along with it bc hes been wanting to do that since the day they became friends. it all makes sense. he met her in school when he was still with his ex so i dont have anything to say about that part but like, again…

[struggle-but-its-all-ocean-floor]

hello! im not usually active on here (i use twitter more) but i stumbled on your asks while scrolling through my feed and after reading some, i realized that we have the same stance on chapter two. when it was announced that each member would be releasing their own solo album, i was super excited. ive loved everything each member has put out before including collabs and their songs on soundcloud so, of course, i was excited to see what this chapter had to bring! looking back, i have no idea how my feelings abt this changed so much.

it was definitely after face that i started to get a bit tired with all the releases but i still streamed and kept up with all the content because i truly do love all their solo works and wanna give all seven members my full support. i was definitely a bit overstimulated with how much individual content we were getting, which could be why i started to feel these things, but ive always shown my support.

although im vmin biased and adore the layover album with my whole heart, i definitely think layover era was definitely my breaking point. twitter has become so insufferable and has just created a space so negative that its hard to even enjoy anything. i was so excited for layover but everytime i would go on twitter, solo stans would be tweeting nonsense and comparing numbers and its just all too much. this has been a problem ever since chapter two started but i never saw how bad it was until now and its honestly heartbreaking. i miss when there was no division between the members and everyone was supported equally among the fandom. ive spent a lot of time on twitter and would just block solo stans and call it a day but its come to the point where its impossible to just block and ignore bc theres way too many! chapter two has definitely fueled their narratives and given them more confidence for some reason but i truly hope theyre gone when 2025 comes around.

even some fans have started acting like solo stans but hide behind the fact that theyre heavily biased. theres clearly a difference in how armys treat the members and it definitely shows more with how they treated each solo release which is just disappointing. i understand people have different music tastes but would it hurt to act excited for a member that you supposedly love?

ive never noticed this before but this chapter definitely showed some armys true colors. this chapter also did an amazing job of fueling solo stans and their narrative that their favorite could go solo and leave bts behind, which is completely untrue and none of the members would actually want that. because of this, twitter has become such an uncomfortable space and has definitely made me less excited abt future solo works which ive never thought would happen since i love new bts music.

im definitely gonna take a break from twitter until jin comes back but for now, i really do wish i was able to enjoy chapter two without such negative feelings. i was truly very excited but looking back, i see how rushed everything was and although im glad each member was able to shine in their own way and explore with different genres, sometimes i wish this chapter took a different approach or just never happened. im hoping this feeling goes away when bts are fully seven again but i dont know. i just felt the need to let that out since ive been feeling this way for so long that i started to feel guilty bc ive never had such negative feelings towards bts before.

and of course, this is no hate to bts! i love my boys and have gone all out for all solo releases. im more just ranting abt army twitter and how they kinda ruined this experience for me which isnt the boys faults at all.

Your feelings are valid! You don't need to feel only positive things about people you love. Think about the people you love most that you know personally. Have you never been disappointed in them, with or without reason? Have you never been irritated by them, irrationally or righteously? Have you never wanted distance from them, because you wanted space or because you were upset with them? People only have these kind of unrealistic expectations about love when it comes to their favorite celebrity. Having mixed feelings about people you're close to, or even love, is just life.

Fandom is a large part of being Army - I mean, it's right there in the name -, of course bad fandom experiences can "turn you off" from the group. Before this blog actually started to resonate with some people, I wanted to delete it and hated myself every time I posted because I felt that all I did was spread hate - even when it was more political and not really about BTS themselves. I felt so alone and it was hard being a fan. Then, because of my Jikook and Jungkook posts, more people started following me and interacting with me - for example, sending me asks like this - and everything changed. Now I know that if I don't like something, I can share it, and someone will most likely feel the same way. It makes a world of difference...

I don't think I was ever that excited about chapter 2 tbh. And, unlike you, I definitely was disappointed by most releases. Most of it grew on me over time though, and I genuinely appreciate everything BTS has accomplished in chapter 2. I had so many mixed feelings about Jungkook, and still regularly get annoyed and disappointed, but when I see everything he's been able to achieve... like having the fourth most streamed song on Spotify this year??? With 3 months of tracking? Being the first Asian act ever in the top 5?? That's crazy. His music is so loved, and he's done so many cool things... I wouldn't trade solo era for anything. I really believe they needed this. There was always so much talk about BTS having no individual branding, and everyone wondered how well they would do solo - I'm sure BTS themselves had these thoughts about how they'd manage on their own - and now we/they know. They did great!

Obviously, chapter 2 made solos worse and fueled petty competition between the members, but I don't think it was that bad? These issues have always existed in the fandom and I don't believe chapter 2 made things that much worse. I still see so much support for OT7...

Honestly, I'm OT7 but I love Jungkook way more than the other members... I only streamed for Jungkook because otherwise I didn't have the motivation to stream songs I didn't want to listen to that many times. I think it's impossible to expect everyone to have the same energy towards every member. I listened to every song and album in chapter 2, and watched most of the performances, but with so much content, I couldn't be bothered to keep up with most of it. I have, like, 10 Jungkook lives as well as radio interviews and other videos of Jungkook to watch still.

Another point, I think it's easy to get caught up in fandom battles. I found myself pitting JK against Jimin, for example, because I saw so much of it and maybe I'm naturally competitive? You just get sucked into the bullshit as well. Even if you're not a crazy toxic fan, Twitter can change you.

Sadly, solos will still be around in 2025, and a lot of them will still be crying out over mistreatment and other bullshit. Now the members have "legitimate" solo stans too - ie. people who became fans during solo era and didn't bother checking out, or liked, the other members.

There was definitely so much content that it was overwhelming, but that's BTS tbh. I've just been a fan since 2019, but I was only not overwhelmed with content in, maybe, 2022?

This post kinda got away from me, but, yeah, take a break from Twitter, don't feel bad for feeling tired and overwhelmed with all the content (what Army isn't tbh), and my ask box is open anytime you want to vent!

Thanks for the ask!

[bubsub69]

Entry 18

6/7/2023 14:53

I've been wiritng less in the diary lately, maybe because now not only is college over but i also finished my stupid report so im less stressed but also because i've written what ive wanted to and i guess theres really no point in repeating myself, but whatever in like an hour im gonna present the project and hopefully graduate since this is the only subject whos grade i dont know and hopefully those fucks dont just fail me because they didnt like my report and presentation or something but aside that this is like the last thing to do for this school year.

I've invited my cousin so she could help me demonstrate the game but i guess she doesnt care. i asked her last night hey you free tomorrow at 5 wanna help? and she said lemme check my schedule and never came back to me. then i asked her again this morning and she apparantly forgot the time and wheter she was free or not and hasnt replied again, so i guess thats her way of telling me to fuck off, you know the person who im pretty much always on call to help her telling me to get lost when i need her for a slight favor, its not like it was gonna be that boring she could just ignore my presentation and then just play the fucking game i made for like 5 minutes but i guess thats asking too much, she also didnt want to do me the simple favor of playtesting it for me which is now making me question my relationship with her, cause who knows maybe my mom was right, maybe shes just using me and doesnt care about me. I already knew she wasnt that great of a person but i guess i wasnt expecting her to be like this to me but i guess all the signs were there, we always do what she wants, she doesnt care about my stuff but i have to care about hers. i guess i was just desperate as well since shes kind of my only friend but screw it im cutting her off unless she changes or something.

This thing really reinforced the ideia that no one cares about me, especially as a person, to my cousin im just errand boy and backup friend in case im angry at my boyfriend, to my parents im just dumb child that cares about the 'puter and is student, like when was the last time someone asked my about something i cared about, when was the last time someone asked me "hey played anything interesting lately" or something like that no one gives a fuck about what me as a human being but i guess thats on me for not being able to make friends. i just.. i dont even know what i want, a friend a girlfriend, someone to cuddle, i just wish i had some company that actually cared about all of me and not just my fucking school life or something.

but enough complaining i have a presentation to get ready for

17:21

Writing from my phone cause yikes that presentation kinda sucked .Im waiting outside the room rn waiting for them to give me my grade. But while my part of the presentation I think went decent enough the next part was awful like 10 minutes of just "jesus H. Christ your report sucks so much it was an awful experience to read, your Portuguese sucks you're writing sucks..."

Ok I went back and the dude said I failed.. then he said jk I had a 17. I was about to throw hands on that man holy shit. So after days of being told the report was the most important thing he gave me one of my highest grades ever and said "it could be higher if it wasn't for the report"

So thus concludes the chase game chapter I guess, from doing the game is fun to doing the report is fun to being angry at people

[glitchdollmemoria]

more paragraphs on paragraphs about sappy conversion feelings

once again stating that jewish conversion student joy is an emotion unlike anything else, in fact its an emotion with so many different facets and intricacies between different people that it feels unfair to chalk it up to one single emotion.

i used to struggle a lot with trying to study, or even reading for fun, largely because of my issues with disorganized thinking (which i can recognize is affecting how im writing this post, but listen, im not fucking cured lol). in the past year or so since i started looking into conversion, ive improved a lot in that regard. i still do struggle with disorganized thinking, but when it comes to jewish studies, i struggle a lot less. my brain has a bit less trouble trying to make sense of what im reading or hearing. and when it comes to the trouble i still do have, ive been able to apply skills that i previously didnt use often, like just going batshit with a pack of highlighters. since then, ive found it easier to apply those skills even outside of jewish studies - i can highlight fictional books to help myself follow along, i can put ebooks into documents so i can digitally highlight them, that sort of stuff.

and now i feel more motivated to study and read and learn and do things just in general! a year ago i mostly spent my free time sitting around in my room playing video games or browsing around online. and neither of those are bad on their own, but i really wasnt doing much else. it felt like i was mostly killing time. now, a year later, i often feel like i have too much i want to do, i have so many hobbies and goals i keep adding to - jewish studies, visual art, writing, music, computer science, reading, roleplay, and even still video games and browsing online, theres so much i want to do and really no shortage of activities i can fill my time with. i feel so much more satisfied and whole as a person, because ive been able to take that excitement and motivation from pursuing conversion and apply it to other aspects of my life. i feel less guilty taking time to relax and do less important things because i know that i spend plenty of other time taking steps toward the goals i have in my life. i feel more balanced than i ever have.

theres also the joy of being part of a community. i used to be very disconnected from the people around me, and this is still something i deal with for a lot of reasons, i dont expect to ever fully stop feeling that disconnection. but going to the synagogue, being invited to events, connecting with the other congregants, all of it helps me to feel like i have a spot where i do belong. right after i came back from my first time attending this congregation a couple days ago, i immediately went and told my friends that i knew this was my congregation. these are the people who didnt hesitate to take me in, this is the building where i feel comfortable and happy and at home, this is the community i want to be involved in. i never had that growing up. theres a large part of me thats almost grateful for all the time ive spent isolated from others, even if it wasnt an isolation that i deserved, because it makes me all the more overjoyed and grateful to finally have somewhere i feel like i belong.

and then theres the aspect of learning more about my jewish heritage. as with the rest of the things in this post, this isnt meant to be a universal experience, but in my case i do have jewish family from generations back who i didnt even know about until i told my grandmother i wanted to convert and she started telling me about her own grandfather. and its been so fascinating to look into my ancestry, to learn the names of the people im descended from, to read about people who lived over a hundred years ago, to learn about the culture they came from. i have a whole new life goal now to visit the country my great-great-grandfather immigrated from! i want to bring my boyfriend with me and go explore all the beautiful landmarks! and im not sure the best word for it, but i think i could say its fulfilling, to be coming back to the culture and religion that my family became disconnected from due to assimilation, disconnected even to the point that my father didnt believe his own mothers claims of going to shul as a kid. i get to learn about all these traditions i never even knew were a part of my family history! i get to raise my future kids with jewish culture, and teach them about their great-great-great-plus-grandparents.

everything about converting feels like coming home. i am exactly on the path im supposed to be on. im growing into myself, finally. never have i been this intent on living. i think thats the best way i can phrase it. i want to toast over and over, l'chaim, l'chaim, l'chaim, just like i did with my new congregation last shabbat.

[oflgtfol]

sorry i feel like after every single migraine i have i need to do a self reflection afterward

holy shit so i woke up. at 2am like i said i would and my migraine is gone im still kinda weird so im gonna go back to sleep to make sure its entirely gone bc being on my phone again is making me wary of it returning but like. my 2am estimate was spot on LMAO

But anyway uhm my real holy shit moment is the fact that. this was the very first migraine ive ever experienced where i never got sick. which kind of made it miserable because i normally cope with migraines by, uhm TMI + emetophobia warning, but i normally cope with the pain because puking makes the pain stop for a few minutes, and thats normally when im finally able to fall asleep, so i normally spend the entire migraine mostly sleeping and then just waking up briefly to puke again and then go back to sleep, and then over the course of the next 6 hours each time i wake up the pain gradually weakens until its gone. but when i dont puke its just pain and pain and theres no relief it took me two entire hours to finally fall asleep today and i was even like rocking bakc and forth trying to make myself nauseous to puke to get some relief but it just wouldnt happen im surprised i even fell asleep within two hours but i did and i slept right through until 2am and now my migraines gone.

this sort of happened with the last migraine i had except if i rememeber correctly i did puke, but only once, and it was after that one time that i was able to sleep the rest off, and that happened about an hour into it but it was still a miserable hour. and again even just getting sick only one time is an outlier for me

i did take excedrin right at the beginning of my migraine today, which my mom has been using for her own migraines, and she also got me to take it last time as well, so im wondering if the excedrin is whats making my migraines less intense in terms of getting sick. and also the pain hasnt been as bad as it normally is, but again its still a migraine so its still Bad, so i still kinda wanna get sick just for relief. bur when the pain is its normal level then i like NEED to get sick so i can get relief. so i guess in exchange for not getting sick, i get less pain as well, but its like, it kinda makes it more of a miserable experience than a normal migraine because i dont get any relief. so i dont know i have mixed feelings about excedrin if its gonna make it harder for me to sleep off my migraines which is my main way of coping with it

bur then the other part of me is wondering, this frequency of migraines is really new and abnormal. im normally on a strict 2 year schedule, my last on-schedule migraine was in fall 2021 i wasnt scheduled for another migraine until fall 2023, but then i got one in october 2022, i think i got one again sometime a month or two after that, and now here i am again in march 2023, like three migraines in a row in a year that i wasnt even scheduled to have a single migraine in. some part of me is worried it might be an effect of accutane but hopefully since im off it now and its getting out of my system i’ll make my way back to my old schedule (if it even is a side effect of accutane) cuz like it sucks getting one this frequently, although its still not as bad as people who have like actual chronic migraines like my mom who gets one every 2-3 weeks, or others who get them even more frequently than that. but it still sucks yknow lol

the only other thing i can think of that might be causing migraines more frequently is that like. either my chronic sleep deprivation is catching up to me, or like. shits so bad im seriously wondering if every little thing wrong with me lately can be like a physical side effect of having severe depression like im seriously about to google if depression can make migraines worse cuz i dont know anything anymore. especially because i was in such a shit ass fucking mood this morning and then lo and behold migraine

so anyway im also wondering if maybe just the fact that these migraines are off schedule might be making them weaker than my normal ones. like my 2 year schedule ones are the mega migraines the things that last 6-8 hours, the ones that cause the huge entire, UNMISTAKABLE auras that cover my whole vision (rather than my wimpy ones lately that have me doubting if its an aura at all until its already almost over), the ones that have me bedridden within minutes of the aura ending, the ones that have the worst pain of my life and make sick like every 20 minutes, etc. And then maybe these off schedule ones, since theyre off schedule, might be weaker, have me sick less offen and with less pain, and tend to be slightly shorter than normal, etc? but i dont know it probably is just the excedrin causing the difference

[keepthesethoughtsinsideyou]

2/25/2023

So this is probably an awful idea. But when you were getting married and then having your honeymoon, i wrote letters to you. that i didnt send to you. i think i only had 3 or 4 days worth of them. But I have no clue when i will ever speak to you again. And like, speak speak. Not some short text. I'm very torn on everything. my heart, is shattered. truly. But you know. At least I have to think you know. Maybe you have like, been able to trick yourself into thinking i never cared. or idk. i just dont know Courtney. I am sorry that i felt this was planned. you did admit it was, after comparing me to Chad first of course. But planned in that, yo. i cant take this. its fair and justified. Maybe the Chad comparison was fair too. idfk. It also makes me hate myself more than I ever thought I could. i have been crying so much today that i have no concept of time. I am glad that at least you have had a wonderful Saturday. Out of town with a friend. Seeing a hopefully enjoyable movie. I was left to morn my dead Dad and now the most important relationship ive ever had. idk if youll ever read or see any of these. And christ i dont want to come off bitter or angry. or anything. I know that i hurt you already. fuck. i hurt you so much that you were like, peace dude. im just, shocked? i dont get how we are video chatting and opening gifts and i bought a hotel for us. To meet up in a crazy thing where I had no plan as to HOW things were gonna work. But my love and need to see you bypassed any real worries. It's crazy how this relationship brought that out of me. I think looking back at things, I was still a bit of a stick in the mud comparably. But you definitely brought something out of me that was crazy and off the cuff. I liked it. I wish i could save things. I wish this was like that early time when you broke things off and then like 2 days later came back and said you couldnt be without me. I'm not religious but I am hoping there are some sort of synchronicities or coincidences that send you back to me. I didnt expect you to not break up with me just because it was my dead father''s birthday. That would be manipulative. You broke up with me just the other day and I cant even tell you WHY. I remember alot of you telling me how YOU had negatively effected my life. And i deserved better and whatever. But i just wanted you. I told my mom that I have never loved someone like i loved you, and I never will again. I didnt know I was capable of love like this. I wont ever find it again. This message sucks cause its all over the place and im not making much sense or keeping a consistent tone. the barbed comments I would make. Back handed shit. god, they are all i can fucking think about. I cant imagine how differently things wouldve been if you hadnt immediately started having sex with new people. my brain just cant Courtney. How can you love me, want a future with me, want children, a home. But then as soon as you are single, its not me. Its not me at all. It's someone else. It really fucked with my head. And honestly, i just think I am a square. I have never hooked up with anyone in my life. I have only had sex with people I had relationships with. And the concept of sex outside of that is not only unappealing to me, but kind of grosses me out. Thats for me. I get people are into their own things and I dont judge. But being faced by someone who can say all this lovey dovey bs to me, and go fuck another man. And theres no connection? its just sex? whats the big deal? well, thats where my brain goes insane. I've never felt good enough or worthy of you. And for you to immediately shack up with someone NOT me while saying different things to me, it really fed into that insecurity. But thats me right? its MY insecurity. So who would you be to respect or acknowledge that. You are a young single woman who can finally go out and experiment and find yourself. Neither me or anyone else should stand in your way of that. But god dammit did it break my heart. And your ability to seemingly never think of me and my feelings just solidified mentally that i was not good enough. i was not worthy. and maybe worst of all, I was not your first choice. i lashed out with my words. my tone. things i said. how i said that. ugh. i wish...i wish i couldve just been your supportive friend. YASSS QUEEN! GO EAT SOME PUSSY! there are moments when i can be cool. But the uncool version of me surfaced his ugly head far more often as more of your experimentation took off. It just blows because, this only got bad once this started. Prior to that, i feel like things were wonderful. But i am probably sugarcoating things post mortem. i regret ever telling you i had bipolar disorder. i regret ever telling you about my anxiety disorder. Because in breaking up with me, they were both brought up. Negative is negative though. Just sucks feeling like you arent good enough from the get go and then being made to feel like you are broken and needing fixing. I dont know alot of people who would be okay with the love of their life fucking other people. Especially when that same person has told you they want you over anyone. But then when you try to plan a future together, those conversations go nowhere. So idk. Too much too soon I guess. I know that no matter what negative things i may think of the situation, I know I am at fault. I couldnt handle the pressure of being with a poly person. And I especially couldnt handle it when it seemed like the plans to experiment and have sex with other people superseded our plans that we talked about of a future together. But as i said, I know i am wrong. I am the villain. I think of some of the things i said to you in the days following you telling me Andi was coming there to get a hotel so you 2 could fuck. And christ. my tone. the meanness. i know i can change. i know it. maybe you'll change too? But maybe some of your negative qualities will change in your period of experimenting. who knows? all i know is each hour that passes and I cant talk to you breaks my soul. as much as I am sure you would prefer me checking my insurance to see if i could get therapy and medicated, i am afraid i am looking into seeing if it will cover me committing myself. Because I am genuinely unsure how i can go on. All i can think about is taking a bunch of Ativan and walking out into the woods and falling asleep and never waking up. Which in my present state I can realize is not good. The issue is, between the hotel i JUST bought us Thursday, and the hotel I bought us for your visit here in April, that's over $900 i charged that's non refundable. If I commit myself, I will lose my job. Outside of hotel money, i am just in debt in general too. So i feel so fucking stuck. None of this matters though. I just want you back. I don't care about money. I don't care about who else you have sex with. i just want my angel back. i can and will change. And I am TERRIFIED because per you,  you are a serial monogamous relationship person. I want to change so you will love me again. I want to change so you can feel comfortable with your heart with me. But what if it takes to long? And you're already on to the next one? idfk. But my soul is crushed and i feel like giving up. I'm back to where I was before we met. The difference is now i have the pain and grief of losing my cosmic lover. My partner the universe brought into my life. How does one cope with such a loss? How does one live knowing they lost a love that was unlike anything they've ever experienced. I don't know. i do not want to live a life without you in it. 

[ne-cropolis]

Long ramble about dog grooming because i got very flustered at work, am still freaking out about it, and need to vent it 🙃

I got a massive tip today from a client with a dobie puppy and im so worried these people didnt actually mean to do it . This puppy came in for his first ever grooming session and he had some kind of dry skin issue that only really showed up after he was brushed. I didnt blow dry him since it was his first experience, and thats usually when i see the extent of most skin issues since the force dryer reveals everything hidden by fur, not to mention itll blow away a majority of skin flakes if the dog has bad dandruff (which this puppy had, i also didnt get to check him in so i didnt get to ask details about him) Im frustrated i didnt get to be as educational as i could have been for his owners. I got so scattered and couldnt get the words out about some solutions they could try alongside talking to their vet, and i would have had them come back for a special bath in a shampoo that specifically helps dry/generally problematic skin to rule out a reaction to the soap i used (which was hypoallergenic and should not cause a reaction, but maybe???) but i completely forgot everything.

I got super flustured because there was a miscommunication about the tip (we dont check people out, the cashiers on the retail floor do it) and they almost gave me $260, which is, absolutely not what they intended. I talked to the cashiers and they went to take care of it with one of the parents while i was with the other one trying to see if i could do anything more for him by trying to blow his coat a little (which, i couldnt actually do because i had to use the lowest setting without a nozzel so it didnt scare the shit out of him, and even that was pushing it close to his threshold) Ultimately, theres not a lot i can do for dry skin without being able to deep scrub, condition, and force dry their coats fully, which is nearly impossible for a puppys first groom without traumatizing them. I got him back to his parents and they seemed happy about everything, im just still upset i couldnt do better for the particular situation, especially because the people were amazing. Just them bringing their doberman puppy in to be groomed makes me love them and want to do everything possible to make it a good experience for them and the pup, but i feel like that didnt happen and im so confused why they still left a massive tip, and if they actually meant to do it.

Most of it is that im super flustered by them still giving me $100 tip, which has never happened in my 4 years of grooming working on massive, hairy, stubborn dogs; the biggest ive ever gotten was $40 from a lady who i was already undercharging for the work her akita was.

I just hope they bring him in again so i can talk to them more thoroughly and maybe help his skin more now that hes been introduced to everything and i could maybe do a better job. Im still really bothered by it because what if they didnt intend to leave that much money and it becomes an issue for them? They already did get it fixed from 260 to 100, and the cashier promised me he asked them for confirmation several times but like...asdfkjshbfkchsbsjfksbfkf im happy to take huge tips but i worry for my clients financial situations and if i dont feel like i did a good job taking a tip makes me feel ashamed, so im still freaking out about how everything went down.

Thank you and sorry to anyone who read this lol, i really just needed to type it out so i could stop losing my mind thinking about it.

Edit: im also wondering after the fact if the laundry detergent the salon uses caused a reaction, its not the usual scentless, hypo soap so that very well could have caused it when drying him with the towel, but i dont know 😩

[demadogs]

From my experience as a pretty casual watcher up until a couple months ago I don't know anyone whos a super big fan of mike and el together? Like pretty much everyone I know who watches ST just kind of expects them to be endgame because they always have been but since the monologue was deemed cringe and most people hate Mike at this point its popularity as a pairing has pretty much dimmed apart from "they were cute in season 2 I guess!". Byler is also kinda looked down upon bc of the unanimous hatred of Mike and because most people in the GA think it's impossible to have feelings for someone of the same gender if you've dated someone of the opposite gender before or they think it's already too late in the game to make it canon.

yeah ive said this recently but i think we dont recognize the lack of mlvn fans anymore because the remaining ones are so loud and obnoxious, but theres actually very few of them. even if theyre not bylers, most people are over mlvn and feel like theyre forced and neither of them are happy. but i think a lot of them just think its shitty writing and dont realize theres a reason for it.

i think the people who do hate mike and mlvn will be more onboard with byler when it happens because mikes behavior that has lead him to be such a disliked character is pretty much entirely a result of his internalized homophobia. him ignoring his friends for el, lying to el, “its not my failt you dont like girls”, not writing or calling will, not hugging him at the airport, fighting with will and blaming him at rink o mania, gaslighting el by saying “i say it” when shes crying in front of him about the fact that he doesnt love her, then all of a sudden being able to say it during a life or death situation but he brings up her super powers again. its all a result of his own self hatred so once hes with will and accepts himself he wont be like this anymore.

people SHOULD hate mike if they arent thinking about the fact that it could be a result of internalized homophobia. i honestly dont understand why more mlvns dont hate mike and are mad at his actions. like hes treated both will and el like shit and many of us have figured out why hes been acting like this but for those who have never even considered that it could be internalized homophobia, i dont understand how they still like him and still think hes great for el.

i think once they reveal that all his shitty actions were a result of his own self hatred the people that do hate him a lot will start to go easy on him. mike needs to have a moment like will destroying castle byers for people to see how much he has been struggling this whole time. they wouldnt just make a loved character from the first two seasons an asshole for no reason.