#Ive been so lonely and fuck man I dont trust myself to not let myself get trampled

[chisatowo]

Watching videos essays abt political stuff is fun except for the fact that it's abt real life and it's not fun

[kalopses-sonderes]

Tw: Venting‼️‼️

Fuck you Summer, you racist asshole. I treated nothing but kind when no else would. I let you be with the friend group because i hate seeing people lonely and not have anyone. But what you did completely broke all trust ive ever had for you. I dont trust people easily cause ive been broken, manipulated, and lied to way to much. But i trusted you because you lead me on to believe you were a good person. You belittle me because im black and expect me to trust you again? You lie to our friends face saying you didnt, they all read through you! And you expect me to just push it aside?! i know you’re not reading this, even if you are it doesn’t matter cause you wont do anything when you’re too busy trying to date a married man thats 3x your age.

The other girl in the friend group, stop trying to play the victim. Friends argue and solve problems no matter what. If we’re ment to be friends we would stay friends after the argument. The argument wasn’t even about you, why cry telling us to srop because we’re hurting you! You are black to, why defend Summer! You let her tear me down but when I stand up for myself its a problem?! All you do is cry about a boy being mean to you, you yell and come crawling to his feet for attention every second! We’re in the same class and ice watched it happen! The boy doesn’t even talk to you! Ive dealt with bullies, racism, death threats for years and if you dont like that I stand up for myself then leave. Like, I dont even know your name I truly dont care when you say we cant be friend anymore. You were friends with the other people the friend group, not me. You invited yourself in. I didnt care that you joined tho, you were nice and treated everyone respectfully until now.

Im just so tired and cant do this anymore, I just wanna be treated like everyone else

anyways, if you’re reading this have a better day than me!💗🤭

[yeahmiknight]

TW/CW messy vent

I just cant take it anymore man I just cant So far in my life almost everything had been flipped and turned to shit. Ive been sexually/emotionally abused since I was like in kindergarten. My parents are homophobic, transphobic, racist, ableist zionists. I have disorders and illnesses that leave me a complete mess and one of my only escapes is the internet and even thats turned to shit. Ive ruined friendships thanks to being nothing but a stupid fucking child, ive been groomed online and ive been abandoned so many times I just cant trust people like I use too all the way back when. Im so lonely ive resorted to harming myself and exposing myself to horrid shit and fake people in my head just to escape and even then it doesnt last long. I cant for the love of my fucking life ever act right and normal like everyone wants me to be when ive only been exposed to the worst parts of the world. Im so scared of being hurt again that I go out of my way to achieve some level of power but its not okay its never okay to do that I just want to know im not going to be stepped on and that im okay and that someone will be there and im scared of people for the dumbest reasons and I dont know what is that. Ive been scared of someone for months, I split on them and caused a huge mess and I will never let that go it was all my fault and im a horrible person people call me racist I dont want to be racist I love everyone but nobody loves me an old friend reached out but I told him to go away because I didnt want him to associate with me because then people wouldnt like him and I dont think he even wanted me back nobody ever wants me back. I can never fix anything and I wont ever be allowed to forget or move on because I know people will hate me they do hate me and they will be happy while I rot and suffer forever and I deserve it but it hurts so much I can barely breathe not with the storm of fake people in my head all saying different shit im not allowed to be uncomfortable with people I need to be a yes-man just so theyll love me but theres barely anyone here I spend most of my day isolated dreaming of a world where im not just a toy or a psychopath where I kept my friends because I was a good little friend who never got scared who never got told to snap at their friends and delete a server by a pedophile who convinced me they must be hurting me because im just a little attention whore I never got convinced to say controversial shit by that person because I wanted them to love me because I thought nobody else did I never turned on my system friend due to outbursts I was just good forever and there was nothing wrong with me and I cant fix myself anymore because I cant even think alone in my own head anymore I say ill kill myself but im too afraid of death to pull through, im stuck here forever dealing with the world like this, crying out to nobody because ive already cried too many times for it to be okay anymore

[samwritesforyou]

We’re gonna be okay

Diego x reader

Summary: You and Diego worked out a system for a situation if he ever comes to your place while being in the highest form of distress and needs your help. He assured you it won’t happen often. Until one night, it finally did.

A/N: i feel like i’ve read the whole tumblr dot com worth of diego x reader fanfics and yet i still wanted more, so the desperate need to finally write something myself has been fulfilled. i would actually love to take requests, so if you want, dont hesitate to message/ask me! im ready to write fics and headcanons :) (my blog might seem new but ive been on tumblr for years and years and i finally dedicated a new blog to mostly reader inserts, either my own or reblogging others)

Warnings: Mentions of a panic attack, gender neutral reader

Wordcount: 3,350

There was a knock on the door.

It was pretty late, but not too late for it to be Diego yet.

Or so you thought.

You got up kinda lazily from a comfortable chair you had situated in the corner of a room, at first designed mainly for reading or napping, but ending up doing absolutely whatever you could on the spot. Eating pizza, watching netflix, browsing through the internet after long working hours that you put in into your tiny art selling business.

You slightly opened the door and already plastered a semi-fake smile for a possible neighbor, but in front of you stood Diego.

Your dear friend, who was at the moment soaked from the rain outside, with big eyes, fast breathing and bloody hands.

Bloody hands?!

“Hello to you too, friend!” you said quite worried, quickly patting him down for signs of any physical pain. For the first time in a while he seemed fine, unscarred.

Your eyes finally went up, literally scanning his face but it was completely unreadable.

His eyes were wide and he looked as if he couldn’t comprehend what was going on around him.

You looked down again and took his fists into your hands. His own palms unclenched and you could see that they were heavily bloodied.

“Diego.. whose blood is it?”

No answer.

You rushed him inside and closed the door behind the two of you, facing the damn vigilante again.

“Diego, I need to know who’s blood is on your hands,” your voice grew steadier as you knitted your brows together in worry and confusion.

Only then the guy decided to move his arms and you noticed how shaky he is. He connected his two index fingers in the form of a cross, pressing it to his chest.

Your own eyes went wide now as you stumbled back a few steps and your mind went blank.

.

.

.

You instantly remembered a night that happened a few years back. He has come in crumbling through your window and was obviously in some new form of distress, that you couldn’t quite understand yet.

“Diego?” it seemed like your voice didn’t reach his ears, so you tried calling out his name again, getting up from the couch and patting him lightly on the body, to determine any sign of an injury.

It looked like there was none, so you tried to reach his gaze that was somewhat absentminded, all over the place, scanning everything but not meeting your eyes.

He was a tough guy, and you knew it. You knew that if you want to get answers, you need to either get them yourself or make yourself heard, until he cannot ignore you any longer.

“Diego Hargreeves, what is going on?” your voice was soft yet determined.

His dark orbs finally stopped on your face and he just shook his head, his breathing oddly fast for a man who was just simply standing.

You continued to push. You didn’t have the best day either, and to be interrupted at 1am by his visit was nothing new, but you couldn’t let him have this behaviour. Even though you’re friends, that didn’t automatically mean that he could do whatever he wanted.

Throughout the whole night he didn’t say a thing, but when you started adding volume to your voice, he.. he just broke down.

That night, you’ve witnessed Diego experience a panic attack. Caused by yourself.

You couldn’t fall asleep that night, even after you eventually calmed him down and the only thing that was left to do for you was to watch him sleep and slowly rubbing circles on his exposed arm out of the blanket.

It felt like neons before you noticed a first ray of sunshine drawing from the half-closed curtains, making you spring to your feet and drag your ass to the kitchen, trying to think of what to do for breakfast.

When you figured the recipe out and finished cooking, Diego was already up and joined you near the kitchen counter, next to which you had two stools.

He settled on one of them, looking at you.

“Hey.”

“Hey,” you couldn’t muster anything better, so you just put a plate in front of him and then sat next to his side, simply digging into your portion of scrambled eggs.

“About last night, y/n..” he drifted off, probably at first deciding that it’s better to fill his stomach a little bit.

In the meantime you didn’t dare to speak up and just waited for him to say something, anything.

When he finished his meal, he finally turned to you with a sigh.

“You know that one guy I told you ‘bout? That we.. we do some vigilante shit together from time to time?”

You just nodded, not meeting his eyes.

“Well. I guess I could count him as a close friend. You know.. and,” this was followed by a slight pause and clearing of the throat.

“He died yesterday. I couldn’t save him.”

Your eyes immediately shot up to Diego and all that vulnerability and hurt that you’ve clearly seen yesterday just overtaking him were completely gone. Now present only a strong facade that he mastered whenever he needed to hide from showing emotions. You hated it.

“Shit, Diego..” you spoke quietly and softly, all the words seemed to have left you in all the things unsaid in your throat. But you tried to continue.

“I’m sorry. And I’m also sorry for pushing you over the edge. I.. I didn’t know what happened so I just acted how we would normally do,” he smirked at that, merely for a second, but you still caught it.

“Look, I.. I know, “ he simply said and then it felt as if he was weighting pros and cons of telling you something else that was clearly on his chest.

“You always help me out. Every single night I come to you.. Why do you do it, y/n?” Diego’s eyes were steadily turned your way.

At the sudden question you raised an eyebrow, “well, I.. I care about you.”

He lightly bit his lower lip and turned his gaze away, clearly thinking about something really hard.

“Okay,” he finally said, “y/n, do you think I could ask you for a favour then?”

At that your eyes met and you felt nervous, for some reason.

You really liked him. Not just like a friend. But you understood that there probably won’t be a chance for you two to ever become a couple (mostly considering that you didn’t believe that he could feel about you this way), so you settled for friendship anyways, since you two really got along well.

And having this handsome tough guy as a friend? Damn, just that is already some kind of luck swinging your way.

But your feelings of course meant that.. you’d do more for him than what you’d do just for a friend. You would get out of your comfort zone just to help him with injuries or hear him talk about his girlfriend (at the time, now they were broken up) and how they argued so much that he ended up on the streets and didn’t really want to go to his lonely place at the gym.

And you took him in. You always did. And since the day you became friends you always care for him.

And you’d care now once again.

“What is it?” in your tone danced a question, troubled with what he might ask for.

“Well, yesterday-“ he cut himself from finishing and cleared his throat, starting over.

“I imagine we’re gonna be friends for a long time, right?”

You just pushed your brows up with a small nod in affirmation.

“I never had.. anyone, really, to help me with the states I often got into,” you immediately thought of Eudora, wasn’t his ex-girlfriend supposed to be his support pillar? Or is he just making you feel sorry for him-

“Or I didn’t ever trust anyone that much, you know,” oh, okay, that kind of explains that then.

“And I guess.. I trust you enough? To share this?” he talked quietly and mumbled a lot so you realised soon you won’t be able to hear him at all.

You grabbed his hands with yours and caught his attention this way.

You were never really touchy together, but occasional hugs and even holding hands was kind of a standard for you from time to time.

His eyes met yours again and you cursed yourself for your heartbeat getting faster. This is not an appropriate moment to get butterflies in your stomach, dammit.

“I’m listening, Diego,” you confirmed, nodding again.

“Okay. It’s- it’s just really h-hard to talk about this,” he stuttered a bit, but with the next breath continued again, “When there’s some situation that’s just completely fucked up, like losing someone close to me, or- or somethin’ else, I don’t know.. I finish what I need at the scene where it happened but when I come home I just,” he breathed some air in and you felt his hands squeeze yours a bit tighter, “I just break down, you know? Sometimes it’s just all too much for me and I don’t know how to deal with it and I would just wanna.. someone to hold me, I guess? Otherwise when someone’s trying to talk at me or somethin’ I just get even more worked up and it’s even worse.”

It all started to come together in your mind. Even though it sounded really strange to hear Diego talk about things like.. wanting to be held and shit. But you always guessed there’s a far bigger sweetheart and a soft boy underneath all those harness and knives.

You tried to pick your words carefully.

“So when I started to ask you shit.. You just flipped. Basically because I was talking at you a lot and you couldn’t take it anymore, right?”

He sighed and looked somewhere up, nodding bit by bit.

“Yeah, yep. That was it.”

You clapped at his hands lightly, to bring his focus back again and he looked at you and mustered a sad, faint smile.

You did the same. In the world you lived in, unforeseen and unfortunate events were happening left and right and thinking about his childhood and everything.. no wonders he developed such a huge reaction and coping mechanism to something catastrophic happening.

“That’s okay, Diego. I’m here for you, I mean it. Let’s just talk about some things what I should and shouldn’t do when you come here in that state, alright? I just want you to feel comfortable.”

“Alright. Thank you, y/n,” he was looking down now, the whole morning kinda failing to meet your gaze and just rubbed his thumb across your hand, which send you heart into a race again.

You slowly let go of him, making an excuse to go wash the dishes.

After a while you looked behind you where he sat and said, “We also need some sort of a sign that you can easily show me, since you’re not really talkative when you get like this.”

Apparently he already used said “sign” somewhere, because he had it on the ready.

It was his hands clutching in fists, index fingers crossing each other in a form of a cross, pressed to his chest.

“Something like this. But don’t worry, I don’t think it’ll happen often. That would be really sad,” he laughed a little and then looked at you somewhat longingly and you averted your eyes back to the sink, nodding.

.

.

You almost forgot about that and now it all come flooding back.

Something terrible must’ve happened. You were panicking, but you had to stay strong, for him.

He was still standing in your hallway, with a crossed index fingers pressed to his chest.

“Okay, okay..” you mumbled more to yourself than to him, taking his hands into yours and looking him up and down.

He really seemed.. disconnected. It was kind of scary and you tried so hard not to think about what happened. Or about who died.

“Here, come with me, Diego,” you led him by the hand towards your couch as he was holding onto you, but his usual grip was gone.

You both ended up on a sofa and you really didn’t know how to act around him now, because.. he didn’t talk, didn’t look at you but when he did, his eyes were wide and big and he just seemed suddenly like a small boy to you.

Hopefully he won’t remember this tomorrow, you thought and tried to smile a little bit at him.

“Okay. Can you get your hands up for me, baby boy?” You’ve decided to approach this situation as if you were just babysitting an overgrown child.

Because nothing bad happens to children normally, right? And if you kept thinking about him as usual grown man Diego, you’d lose your mind in the process, wanting to scream and shake him by the shoulders until he spills you what happened.

Being Diego’s friend pushed you to new limits each day, truly.

He didn’t bat an eyelid at your tone change and word choosing, just obliging and putting his hands up.

You helped him to get his knives down and put his black turtleneck over his head, so now he sat shirtless right next to you, hands still smeared with blood.

Goddamit the blood!

You took him by the elbows and lead Diego to the bathroom, where you helped to get the red out of his hands. At the sight of blood dripping down into the sink you deciphered a whimper from him, even through the sound of running water and looked up.

Diego couldn’t stop looking down at his hands and tears were running down his cheeks.

You quickly took his face into your wet hands from the water and forced him to look away and lock his gaze with yours.

“Hey, don’t look at it, okay? It’ll only make you stressed. Until I’m done you can just close you eyes, okay?”

“Oh-okay,” he said and just closed his eyes here and there.

You sighed and tried to finish washing his hands as fast as possible, cursing under your breath pretty often.

“I’m sorry..” you heard him mumble and when you looked up, his eyes were still shut.

“Nothin’ to be sorry about.. We’ll talk about this tomorrow, right? Don’t worry. You’re safe now,” you smiled as you were already wrapping his hands in a towel and his eyelashes fluttered, eyes opening.

You stayed looking at each other for a second longer than necessary, but then you already lead him away to the bedroom area, where you actually tucked him in, wrapping in a soft blanket and then rushed to the kitchen, grabbing a few cookies and then leaving it on a plate next to him on the night table. 

 You almost made yourself comfortable on the couch, when he suddenly called out your name from the bed.

You sprung to your feet, thinking he’s actually hurt but you didn’t notice or that- “Can you... stay with me? P-please?” he asked, disrupting your train of thought. You did expect this, but still felt really shy about that.

Diego is vulnerable right now and does need your help and presence though.

And there wouldn’t be anything you wouldn’t do for him.

“Sure,” and after this simple answer you carefully climbed in next to him covering you both with a blanket and he curled up closer to you, almost immediately falling asleep.

From one point of view it felt like you wouldn’t sleep at all tonight, but from the other one.. you actually fell asleep just as fast as he did.

.

.

To nobody’s surprise you woke up first and actually flinched at the sight of sleeping Diego inches from your own face.

Your mind went running with ideas what happened and what’s going on until you realised the real deal and your brain caught up to yesterday’s shenanigans.

It was a wild ride and you were thankful that now it’s - most probably - over.

Your eyes were subconsciously scanning his face, until you realised what you’re doing, but you didn’t stop even then.

You’ve never been this close to his face yet and now you could admire and explore every part of it.

Having feelings for a friend that’s laying in the same bed with you at the moment is really not the healthiest thing that could’ve happened to you, huh..

You actually froze and your heart started racing billion times faster when you realised that you have a weight of his arm around your waist, pulling you closer from his sleep.

He grunted and his nose was now in your hair, shuffling a little to get more comfortable.

You had no idea how to change positions, especially when being held by such a strong arm as his and you got a feeling like Diego might actually wake up just about now, so the best solution that came into your mind was to forcefully close your eyes shut and pretend that you’re still sleeping.

He did, indeed, wake up. You were suddenly pushed to the other side of the bed, arm disappearing from your waist and a waterfall of curses fell from his lips quietly.

You used up all your acting stamina to make a believable scene of you gaining your conscious from the deep slumber that you were obviously in, stretched your arms for a good effect and finally opened your eyes.

You immediately signed up for a staring contest as soon as you looked at him and smiled a little. His face remained unreadable but perhaps a little bit flustered?.. But you may be reading too much into it.

“Hi,” you said with a higher tone than intended and Diego just nodded at that.

You tried your luck by addressing the elephant in the room right away, you never liked ignoring the problems that were always looming over you, “care to tell me what happened yesterday?”

He drew a big sigh and rested his head back on the pillow, looking up at the ceiling.

You couldn’t stop looking at him. At first because you really wanted to know the mystery, but the longer you looked at him, the more you realised that you’re just admiring the beauty that he holds, until his words fell like a dead weight right onto your shoulders.

“I found Eudora’s body yesterday. I couldn’t get to the place in time and someone killed her.”

What?

It felt like what he said was simply a trick of your imagination. You liked Eudora yourself, she was a very intelligent and an interesting person, you two often hung out and that feeling didn’t cease even after you found out that she and Diego started dating.

And even when they broke up some months after, you still found your way to spend time with her. So did Diego.

You wanted to cry, but thought that it might be insensitive towards him, because he was much closer to her than you were, so you tried to swallow your forming tears down.

“I’m.. I’m so sorry, Diego..”

“It’s your loss too, I know it, y/n,” he looked at you with much softer look this time.

“Come here,” he said a little bit hesitantly and opened up one arm towards you.

This was unusual, but maybe last night’s events tore down some walls?.. Who knows.

You almost threw yourself into his embrace and once your forehead rested on his chest, you started crying.

From everything, honestly. There’s been problems at work, your seemingly unrequited feelings for Diego didn’t help much either and now you learned that you lost one of your friends.

He started rubbing circles on your back, just letting you get those emotions out, while you two were hugging each other on the bed in your apartment.

And as you slowly started to calm down, he said a gentle, “it’s gonna be okay. We’re gonna be okay”

[blackgirlblues]

Being A Black Girl: And Chasing Your Dreams.. Yikes.

Hi, 

It’s me, your resident black girl back with some new shit to rant about. I’ve been posting a few screenshots of short poems and paragraphs I’ve been writing on my phone as a way to heal and get over Capricorn boy from my last post on here and I see you guys like and reblog. Thank you for showing love, although it makes me sad that so many of you seem to be going through the same range of emotions I am. I’m sorry. 

I know it’s a lonely place to be in. 

But, on the bright side, I’ve got a lot of new followers joining the diary/manual/rant page that is blackgirlology and it’s nice cause I think it’s becoming a little bit of a community. So, in a way, were never really going through any of these emotions alone. If you’ve found this page-you’re part of a community. Bask in it. 

Anyways, that aside, a lot has happened since I last spoke to you. I don’t know if any of you may remember, and for some new people this will be a surprise. But I’m actually a singer songwriter from Ireland. Moved to London a year and a half ago to pursue my music dream and that’s how I met Capricorn boy whos been the source of all my poems. 

Throughout this time in between, I’ve been trying to chase my dreams, and chase them relentlessly. and this summer i did just that, let me tell you, what im about to tell you guys, is to put it simply, wild. I’ll just cut to the chase. 

It all started in July. I’d been in London for quite a long time now, over a year and now have a manager who’s my best friend first and foremost. We’ll call her Maya. I met her in my first week of moving to London in the student halls I was staying at and we became best friends pretty quick. She studies music business, so it made sense and she just naturally ended up taking up the role as my music manager. Shes seen everything. The songs I wrote about Capricorn boy, the tears, everything. And she saw everything this summer. 

I saw an ad for a record label opportunity in London. It was advertised on my university facebook page; a new indie label, looking for demo submissions for a competition they were setting up to find their new signee. I sent a screenshot to Maya who agreed I should send my stuff in. I did, they liked it, I got a meeting, we were sent terms and conditions for the competition. We signed it, the rest was supposed to be history. 

Big yikes. 

There’s so many layers to this story that I will be shortening it, just because it can get very draining for me to talk about or even write about. I’ve healed from it i think, but I still want to put it here and write it about to finally close that chapter and be done with my feelings about what happened to me and my music. 

Basically, the whole competition, the record label, the dickhead CEO, it was all a scam. I had accidentally signed away the master rights to my new song to a record label started by a fake CEO who was committing fraud and known for tricking young artists into handing over their master rights so he could profit off of them, for power. 

It was a mess. Another contestant told me and Maya when we were outside of their office. Just minutes before we were under the impression that I was doing an interview for Billboard Magazine. Honestly, I never truly believed it. Shit was too good to be true. 

But she told us everything. How he was actually a run away from Spain, where he was caught and exposed for doing the exact same thing to artists there, how he didn’t have any money to fund the competition he had somehow roped all of us into, how he was illegally avoiding paying his team, how none of the creatives we had collaborated with for photoshoots etc were paid, how everything was a lie, how he didnt have any connections, and how he was trying to convince me specifically to sign a 360 deal with his label. 

Which, guys, I’m not stupid. After the first week of being with the label for the competition and letting my song live through their disastrous marketing campaign, Maya and I long decided that regardless of what they said, I would not under any circumstances be signing anything with any entity of their company. 

After being told the truth, I had to sit down. You see, when I came across this opportunity, I thought this was finally the life I’d been manifesting coming true. I had begun to grow in my spirituality and start journaling, writing down my manifestations, and getting to work with a record label who would later offer me a fair contract before I turn 20 was one of the manifestations I had written down every night before I went to bed. However, what I’d gotten was the exact opposite. 

I remember, me, Maya, and 2 of the girls from the competition all stood around in a circle outside of their new office that the CEO also hadnt paid for wondering what our next move would be with this new information. There was still 2 other contestants inside who had no idea what was really going on was an elaborate scam. One of them wanted to go in and expose them on the spot. I said no, we had to go in and pretend like everything was normal until we figured out what to do afterwards. 

So in I went, plastering the fakest smile on my face and pretended like I still thought I was about to be speaking with Billboard Magazine. Once I got out, I broke down in Maya’s arms. 

I went home to my flatmates, Ellie and Bea and cried for hours before I had to go work a 7 hour shift at a pizza place. 

I stayed in bed, and cried, and cried. and cried again. I didn’t get out of bed unless I needed too. The only people I talked too were my flatmates E and B and Maya. 

Everything was sorted out eventually, a lot more happened, but as I’ve been writing this article for you guys, I realised that all of that stuff is no longer relevant to my journey and isnt something I want to bring back into my energetic circle because I’ve made peace with the fact that a lot of people who betrayed me when I was at my lowest, peace with the fact that these contestants who wanted to “work together” to get out of this mess, actually wanted to save their own asses and leave me in the cold. 

But I still got out of it and I’m still here. 

I nearly got sued by a man with less than 20 pound to his company account online, but hey, I’m here.

I guess why I’m telling you guys this really short account of my summer is to both record it for myself but also to say its okay to flop, its okay to fail. I did both this summer. and thank god i did. it was the best thing that ever happened to me. 

following your dreams is scary, doing it as a black girl is terrifying because society has already kind of set you up to fail. there’s already misconceptions about what you do, who you are, where you come from and how good you’re going to be at what you do. its almost like we cant fail and we need to work 10 times harder to obtain half of what the average white person will get. and sometimes it can feel like we dont have any space to fail or make mistakes because of this but let me tell you thats not true. 

if anything, the universe will put you in places that will force you to grow through the mistakes you make. and thats exactly what happened to me this summer. 

i chased my dream so relentlessly i ended up in an environment i thought i manifested, i thought was good for me, only for the universe to show me that that specific environment i’d been wishing to be in is the furthest from what i need right now in my life. 

this so called failure showed me that not everybody who smiles can be trusted, and that people can be way more deceiving than i ever thought, especially when push comes to shove and they need to save themselves. you start to see the real them when it starts to get tense. the people who seem to be around you when you’re doing good will most likely dissapear when things start to go south, including some of your oldest friends. you will get radio silence on their end. be upset. cry. but after that be glad that this situation revealed their true colours. 

and then never put any more energy into them again. 

this failure showed me how fucking strong i am. how resilient and kind i am even in the face of disrespect and actual evil. it showed me how much i can care for someone who i believe is at a risk of losing it all, and showed me that this will not always be reciprocated. and for a while i thought that meant that i had to harden myself up and grow a shell. but i dont think so. i will not allow the things ive been through to make me into a hard person when i was born soft. i mean now, im a little rough around the edges, jagged enough to cut anyone who comes too close with some of that bad energy, but soft enough to hold myself tight and glue myself back together when i need to. soft enough to hold the people who held me this summer. soft enough to help people who i know deserve it. 

im a good person in a shitty world, i don’t need to match the world and become a shitty person to survive. 

after all of this happened, i stopped writing music. 

i haven’t written anything properly or produced anything in months and sometimes i get worried that ive completely lost my talent. but thats another thing that this failure taught me, i can never truly lose whats meant to be mine. i know that i was put on this earth to create change, to inspire, to be an activist and a voice for people who dont have one. i know i was put here to do it through a creative medium and right now i still think that is music. 

i think i just need to stop being so scared to start again, to learn my craft again.

i used to be so scared of failure but now i am so thankful for it and the lessons its taught me. i had so much hurt and pain and hatred in my heart for the universe for, in my head, doing this to me. but then i realised that the universe never does anything to you, it does it for you. all of this happened in my best interest and while i definitely didnt understand at the time, i get it now.

thank you universe for the worst summer of my life. 

and my black ass will be continuing to chase my dreams relentlessly, failing, tripping and falling on my ass until i get to the very top. 

besides, if everything had just gone right, that wouldnt have been very interesting, would it?

[perfectlovekillsallfear87]

&&Im back.

I’m not sure how long I’ve actually been gone from Tumblr. I believe the last time I was on here was when I was in my 20s. I’m in my 30s now and finally got a new laptop. 

I have found it very helpful to get my thoughts out. And typing seems to help as well. 

I’m 32 now. My original tumblr blog was deleted by me. Just too many memories that I didn’t want to remember anymore. I have decided to continue with my tumblr name, but added the 87 at the end cause I guess the other name is taken. 

Let’s see....since this is a place for my own thoughts. I’m just going to start typing them out. I don’t expect anyone to read this anyways. I won’t be using any tags. 

Last night was something that I didn’t expect to happen. Especially not this soon. 

A little back story. A year ago Shea and I hooked up. And my impatient and most likely drunken ass told his wife. And I had nothing to lose. I had lost my job. And was in the midst of a “fuck it” phase.  After that happened, Shea didn’t speak to me. No matter how many times I’ve tried to apologize. I guess you can’t really apologize for something like that. Especially when it came from a hurtful place. I wanted his marriage to end and I guess wanted him to be with me. But heres the thing. I’m in a long term relationship. A year ago there was a lot going on in my life that I wasn’t happy with. And I sought Shea out. He would listen to me when I talked. He showed that he cared. Eventually one thing led to another and bam. We’re at his mothers house hooking up for 6 hours....Yeah, 6 hours.  The thing with Shea progressed over time. I worked at the door, checking receipts and what not. And he took notice of me. He would say hi to me all the time. Pretend like he’s checking on the ice machine just to talk to me. Flirt with me.  I remember when I tried getting a higher position at work and I wasn’t chosen for it. It broke me. And I broke down crying. He took me outside and gave me a cigarette and told me to fuck this place. He attempted to make me feel better. At this time I was working in the bakery dept because I didnt want to be a cashier and it was away from everyone. Thats when I met him. I was in the freezer all the time getting our breads and he would watch me and talk to me. thats when I knew he was into me. when they cut my hours, thats when I went to the door. And he would “check on the ice” just to talk to me.  After that I transfered to the early shift in dairy and frozen, because that was his dept. I wanted to be closer to him. That is when everything really moved fast. I got his number and we just would talk. That year in that dept was the most amazing year for me. I was close to him. But the kicker is....hes married. I knew this, but I still wanted him. I know thats wrong. And idk why I just didnt look the other way.  Wow, this is a really long back story. My bad. One day he called me and at first I didnt want to do anything. I was still super shy around him. But that was literally the only chance I had at the time. My bf wasnt home and I could go freely without telling him where I was going.  Well. We did it. I tried to ruin his marriage by telling his wife. He didnt talk to me for a year. Not until I got my job back (did I mention I lost that job and didnt work for a year, until recently got rehired)  I can tell you that he was surprised to see me at work again. I havent asked him about it, but I plan on to next time I get to talk to him.  I tried really hard too leave him alone. But he would look at me a lot. And randomly show up in my area. I knew he was still into me. You just dont show up on the opposite end of the store. ya know? I still had his number saved to my phone. and I would text him. It wasnt until a few nights ago he actually text me back and talked to me. I told him that I missed him. Not expecting him to tell me the same thing.  I was shocked when he said he missed me too.  Last night we video chatted while I was at work. And he just said “Im coming to get you”  I tried to tell him that I still had an hour left of work. But he talked me into clocking out an hour early. He picked me up and he drove out of town. And he told me he wasnt mad at me. He told me that I need to promise him I wont tell anyone. And I wont. I will on the other hand type it out and get it out of my head. I need to get it out. I hate having something built up in me.  So we drive and make out and eventually have sex in his wifes vehicle!!!  I know. Awful. And now here I am on Tumblr trying to justify my actions. Trying to some how convince myself that I didnt do anything wrong. Im in love with the man, so therefore I cant be wrong.  I told him I love him and he told me he loves me. But he also said nothing can come of all of this. Which broke me. I cried in the dark while he held me. I thought for a moment that he would change his mind. that maybe this is why he picked me up. to go over a plan. but no. he basically said this is only a fling. nothing more can come of it. 

So idk what Im going to do. Idk what to feel. I just dont know. Idk who to talk to about this. I dont have a bestfriend I can confide in. Ive cut so many people out of my life due to trust issues.  idk. i have so much going on right now, its stressful.  my bf is literally dying in front of me. liver failure. hes in the hospital as I type this out. yeah, im a bitch for going off and cheating on him. ive stuck by his side since this all started 8 months ago. i dont wanna get into this now. i’ll save it for another lonely night. 

I was watching awkward on hulu. i was jenna back in my 20s. always blogging my life. it helped me. but then people found my blog that live in the same town as me and it didnt end very well. so i deleted everything. 

i didnt mention my name. but i did mention shea’s name. shea could be anyone, living anywhere in the world. so i highly doubt anyone will figure out where we are. or who i am.  i dont really plan on following other accounts. or reblogging other things. i just needed a place to get my thoughts out. its been a while since ive been on a laptop and it feels really good to be able to type things out. 

well. i guess thats if for my first post. 

laters.

[diningpageantry]

Scales, Fins, and other Fishy Daydreams

Archive Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18215168/chapters/43151156

Chapter 3/10 of It’s A Handheld Disaster

Word Count: 1553

Chapter Summary: Baz takes Simon's shitpost text a step further, and the outcome ends up spreading a few rumors.

SIMON

bi-sammy: sammy would still fuck huxley if he looked like the fish from shape of water

I grin smugly at my screen, sitting in a dark room with nothing shining but my mobile. The shutters stay shut, and the light from the bottom of the doorway barely filters into the room. It’s just me, this scratchy blanket, and Baz, somewhere else in England on another screen. I absolutely adore that.

gaystrell: why would you say something so controversial yet so brave.jpg

Sometimes, I catch myself smiling. Other times, I elect to ignore how real it feels. It’s weird, given that it feels like I’m just chatting with someone who I see everyday. The casualness of this reminds me of texting Penny in the afternoon on a Thursday.

Except, given the current time, it could be interpreted as more intimate than that of a friend’s text.

8am on a Saturday is usually a time reserved for comfort. For staying warm with someone you care about. Instead, I’m just messaging Baz.

bi-sammy: because im right

bi-sammy: hear me out here ive got a brilliant idea

gaystrell: whoever taught you the definition of a brilliant idea was clearly misleading you

bi-sammy: dont be an arse until youve heard it

bi-sammy: wanker

gaystrell: you’re truly proving your point

bi-sammy: ANYWAY

bi-sammy: shape of water au

bi-sammy: thats all

gaystrell: i’m appalled.

gaystrell: hold on.

I don’t think much of it. Occasionally, he disappears for an hour to two. I don’t bother asking, assuming it’s none of my business, but I do tend to worry a bit. I hope he’s alright.

After clicking off my phone, my head settles against my pillow as my eyes fall shut.

There’s something about this. There’s something about him. It’s a bit hard to pinpoint what it is, but the overwhelming feeling of comfort I have in the notifications I get from him just answering my bullshit is incredibly welcomed. He’s semisweet. I don’t know why I didn’t see it earlier, but he’s a fantastically bitter person.

My head slowly turns over, eyes opening and straining in the darkness.

I hate my empty room.

I hate the absence of comfort--I hate the plainness of these walls.

I want to say I hate my foster dad, but I also feel like I’m not allowed to say that. Not because the system will take me again and throw me back (even though I could have left a year back, if I was still in it). Instead, I feel like I shouldn’t hate him. Theoretically, I should be thankful for what I have. I’m not in a boy’s home, and I haven’t been since I was 11, but the remnants remain. The fights don’t go away, and neither do the weeks of starvation.

Still, I sort of despise living here under Davy.

That’s what he makes me call him. His name. His nickname. Not dad; of course not dad. He’s had me in his care for roughly six years, but he’s still Davy to me.

Shitty fucking Davy, with his strict curfews and practically using me as a housemaid because he’s too cheap to care for himself.

Shitty fucking Davy, not letting me add anything to my room because the day I turn 18, I’m out of here until his next kid (and cheque, apparently) come in. Told me I’d wreck the walls and ruin his furniture if I did put anything on it, too.

So that’s what I’ve got. Blank walls, blank furniture, blank everything. It’s like a jail cell for a bedroom, and everything I’ve got to show for myself is in a backpack and two dresser drawers/

But, at least, I own my mobile.

Every summer job, mixed with odds and ends shit and whatever I can do for my bill. It’s all mine, and Davy can’t fucking touch it.

Maybe that’s why, when I feel it buzz against my chest, it makes me feel more alive. It’s a reminder of all that work just to be able to talk to someone freely.

Arguably, the best feeling in the goddamn world.

I grab it and flip it over. It’s just an email about uni.

Fuck.

I end up scrolling through tumblr for a little while, doing nothing but liking and reblogging a thing here or there. It takes a little while before a little drop down falls from the top of my screen.

gaystrell: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1r7Wkwj7MSFk0--DgquHGhYVBbqneEYq0J01t0uMRmxA/edit?usp=sharing

gaystrell: feel the need to apologize before you click the link, but then again, you asked for this hell

When I click on it, it pulls up a doc titled just “crackfic”, and I’m floored with the first sentence alone.

“Fuck my fish ass harder, daddy.”

My hand flies up, covering my mouth as I practically wheeze as quietly as possible. A few paragraphs in and I’m nearly crying into my palm, muffling my laughter as I read through pages upon pages of the most ridiculous fic I’ve ever laid my eyes upon.

I check the word count out of pure curiosity, and it somehow makes me laugh harder.

bi-sammy: holy fucking shit

bi-sammy: i swear to god if you don’t post that i will

gaystrell: already in the process of making the archive post

gaystrell: i seriously believe you underestimate my sincere ability to be the biggest dick on the street

bi-sammy: i dont know whether or not u meant that as ur literal dick or the big dick energy in making that a post but id probably agree with you in both

bi-sammy: tag me in the post pls i want to be the first to reblog it

gaystrell: you’re a ridiculous, sad, little man

gaystrell: of course i’ll tag you

Within minutes, it’s uploaded with the absolute worst slew of Archive tags attached to it, and as soon as he tags me in his post, I tap the notification.

Scales, Fins, and other Fishy Daydreams

Word Count: 3,192

Summary: Fish!Huxley and Sam get it on Shape of Water style

@bi-sammy this is your fault (you're welcome)

I immediately slam like and pull up reblog, rapidly typing out my response before posting.

absolute madman. cant believe youve done this. i trust you with my entire life.

As usual, he's quick to reblog back.

anything for the absolute pain in my life x

Smiling shamelessly, I ride on the moment's high as our conversation stays out in the world. I quite enjoy this version of his softness. The public, taunting replies to mine. In all this time of following him, I can't really recall him ever being this friendly with anyone but me.

Makes me feel special. Maybe too much so.

BAZ

The jarring shock of the seemingly endless notifications rattles me momentarily speechless.

It isn't even 15 minutes after I'd replied to Snow and there's already a few people reblogging it with comments about him and I. A quick “i ship y'all’ to “powermove of the century”. Each make me flush deeper as the replies flood in.

If I were to be practical, I'm aware that I shouldn't be so flustered over the concept of us being a couple. It's most likely my overactive, sad, lonely imagination, but the idea of being loved just makes me blush. Especially since it's someone who doesn't seem to absolutely loathe me.

gaystrell: are you reading these?

bi-sammy: the what?

bi-sammy: i have. nothing to read. i cant read.

gaystrell: use your two remaining brain cells look at the notes for the crackfic

bi-sammy: holy shit

bi-sammy: im cackling

A notification pops up, making me snort this time. I pull up the post and send it off to him without a second thought.

gaystrell: sent a post

gaystrell: “sounds like something huxley would do for sam”

bi-sammy: stop im gonna piss myself shits too fucking funny

I pull it back up, scrolling down to reblog and adding a quick reply that, in all honesty, I should have thought out more. Secretly, part of me is glad that I sent it.

huxley wishes he was this smooth ;)

Within seconds, replies flood in from everywhere. From jokes about Snow and I possibly dating to the concept of Huxley writing (purposefully) shitty homoerotica about himself as a fishman. I quite like the conversation about the latter, while the former makes my chest knot in ways inexplicable.

Going through the notes makes me smile, even if it's mildly embarrassing. The amount of times I've seen the eyes emoji used is definitely excessive, but still somewhat welcomed.

Even my archive has a few comments already, although more based around the fic itself. More ironically, though, is the one person who probably took it seriously and just commented, “Nice fic!” I love the abundance of shameless appreciation for obscure fanfiction in the depths of this community.

Snow's messages roll down my mobile screen as I'm checking the comments, continuously replacing the previous message for the top slot.

bi-sammy: mate

bi-sammy: i love you

bi-sammy: also every time you reblog something of mine i get like 5 followers

bi-sammy: if you mention me i get 10

bi-sammy: youre???????????? a god????????

bi-sammy: can i marry you????????????

I slowly close my laptop, eyes on my phone with an absolutely gleeful grin.

gaystrell: when and where?

[fairycosmos]

(tw suicide mention) I feel so alienated from everyone in my life im always everyone’s last choice for everything i thought i was getting somewhere with my crush but he started dating my friend and i kinda wanna fucking kill myself i dont know how much longer i can stay alive i feel so lonely ive been feeling this awful for a long time and nothing is getting better at all I already know how I’ll end it i just need to decide when im sorry for venting but idk who else to talk to

hey, hey it’s okay :( i’m so sorry my love. i can’t imagine how hard things must be for you right now. take a breath. words probably seem pointless when you’re feeling so down, but try to believe at least some of what i say. do you think it’s possible, that your depression and your recent negative experiences, are causing you to over generalize, to reject any sense of self worth? like, those are both things that fuck up your perception of reality a lot. but it won’t always stay distorted, it truly won’t always be like this. so by that i mean - you’re not everyone’s last choice. i promise. maybe it feels like that, but the way other people treat you is not a reflection of who you are, not in this context anyway. and it won’t be the case with every person that you come across in your life. where you’re at right now is honestly not where you’ll always be, i can’t stress that enough. i know it hurts. not getting the person you want is awful, losing them to someone else is terrible, and having to hold onto all of this sadness probably seems pretty much impossible. the people that don’t recognize you for the wonderful person that you are, are simply missing out on the entirety of you. it’s their loss, it’s their issue. not yours. but it’s ok to feel that pain. it’s ok to cry it out, to want to give up, to lose it for a little bit. you don’t have to push those emotions away, you can sit with them and process them - it’s not the feeling that matters, it’s how you cope with it my love. it’s the same thing with thoughts. feeling suicidal is obviously a very serious thing to deal with, but there’s a massive difference between having a thought and acting on it. i really believe in your ability to find and to hold on to that distinction. you don’t have to act on your urges. you don’t have to hurt yourself on the outside to show that you’re hurting on the inside. you can communicate, you can get it all out in so many others ways. robbing yourself of a chance and of a future is not going to solve anything. your brain is deliberately trying to make you feel trapped so that you’re easier to control. it’s a delusion, and you don’t have to trust it. you can create a safe environment for yourself. you can. look at the situation, and feel the anger and the pain, but don’t make any permanent, irreversible choices based on what you’re going through at the moment. please. 

the thing is, you have so many options, even if your mind is not allowing you to see them at the moment. please please please, if you believe me about anything, believe me about this. it’s alright to reach out to people and to let them know what’s going on in your head. the way out is not by ending things, it’s by going through them. and the first step to that is just talking. i know it’s scary. it’s fine to be afraid. but don’t let that stop you from doing what’s best for yourself. make a list of priorities in your head, and put your mental health at the top of it, okay? even if you have to absolutely force yourself to care. even if you don’t want to, even if your head is screaming at you not to. it’s time to take back a bit of control. you can start by talking to a friend or family member - fight past the feeling of alienation. isolating yourself will only make you feel more disconnected. it’s up to you to put a stop to that cycle. if family and friends aren’t an option, there are many hotlines you can call that will give you a bit of guidance and advice. if you’re in school, you can always talk to the counselor a teacher. if you’re not, set up an appointment with your usual doctor and see if he/she can refer you. if you don’t want to do that, look into resources in your community such as local support groups. there will be something. you just have to seek it out. you have to make it an active part of your life, in order to get the ball rolling. if we look at depression/suicidal thoughts as an illness - a serious mental disorder - then doesn’t it make sense for professional help to be the next step, rather than hurting yourself? your mental health is JUST as important as your physical health, and it should be treated with the same level of seriousness. if you had cancer, would you deny yourself treatment and just expect things to feel better? of course not, right? this is just as urgent. you deserve help. you deserve to find some peace of mind. and a professional can really enable you to do that. like i said before, your perception and mindset is pretty much guaranteed to change - you won’t always see things the way you do right now. but you can help it all to change quicker by engaging. someone like a therapist or a counselor can literally show you how to cope when these feelings arise. they can allow you to discover what caused these thoughts in the first place, they can uproot that issue and help you come to terms with it. they may also be able to refer you to a psychiatrist, who could (depending on your situation) give you some meds to even out your brain chemistry, to help you see things clearly again. letting people know can honestly help you breathe again, as stupid as that sounds. i’m not saying that talking will solve everything. i’m not saying there won’t be times when you feel like saying fuck it. i’m saying that if you look at this from an objective standpoint, if you take today and try your best with it, then you’ll see clearly what it is that you need to do. put yourself first. self hatred is a trap. you’re more than that.

i’m under no illusions. everything is so much easier said than done. but i’m not saying all of this for nothing. i fucking believe in you so so much. you know how many stories i’ve heard, of people who have been exactly where you are, but they stuck around and then eventually they were so grateful that they did? it happens all the time. look, it’s very very easy to become disillusioned with life. and i get that. cause the world is a fucking difficult place to live in. especially if you’re mentally ill. but this is the only life you’re ever going to have, man. even if you don’t want it at the minute, it’s here and it’s happening. and it’s the rarest thing in the universe. don’t throw it away because of a moment in your existence. you’re so much more than you think you are. your presence on this planet is significant, and it has made a difference, and nothing would be the same without you here. i mean it. every time you feel worthless, you have to force yourself to acknowledge the inherent worth that you were born with. as soon as you got here, you mattered. and that fact won’t go away just cause you can’t see it, so listen. i’m not saying you can’t be sad. i’m not saying there’s a simple solution. i’m saying that trying is more than good enough. i understand that putting in any sort of effort is the last thing you want to do when you’re feeling so shitty. but it’s the one thing you have to demand of yourself. it doesn’t have to be anything big - it can be letting yourself sob, being honest with yourself, getting out of bed, and hopefully (eventually) asking for the help that you need. when the bad thoughts occur, acknowledge them, process them, but never for a second trick yourself into thinking they’re actually an option, okay? because they’re not, not when there’s so much left for you here, not when there’s so many others way to deal with this. please just stick around. your future self is going to thank you for it more than you can even begin to understand. i’m sending you so much love. i’m rooting for you with all of my fuckin heart. and if you ever need a friend, please just message me. don’t hurt yourself, just talk to me. we’ll figure it out together.

numbers you can call:

http://ibpf.org/resource/list-international-suicide-hotlines

[virulentshadow]

*Hunting Can Be Tough*

It was a rather humid evening in the forests of the shroud just a few miles from Girdania. Walking through some thick foliage was a male miqo'te with dirty blonde hair and some rather disheveled looking adventuring gear. It looked as if he had been hiking for quite a while as dirt covered most of him, while mud covered his boots. There was a sheathed sword on his hip, along with an assortment of daggers on his body. His right ear looks as if the tip of it was bitten off or just missing, and he had brilliant golden eyes as they darted to and fro as he made his way to a clearing. Beads of sweat roll down her face as she sits crouched in the bamble branch watching the wild hoglets and waiting for a chance to strike. Despite the heat and lack of protection she wore cloth robes to hide her face and protect her from the sun. Shes been out tracking and hunting for hours. She hadnt eaten for days. She was feeling weary and her lance was starting to feel heavy in her hands. Now may be her only chance to strike. Unbeknownst to him he’d wipe some sweat that was building on his face with his dirty sleeve. It would do the job or getting the moisture, however there would be a long dirty streak running across his forehead.  As he was making his way through the clearing, he noticed some small hoglets, and not really wanting to be blind sided by the mother waiting in the brush he’d lift his hands out and start yelling obscenities at the hogs, “Get the fuck out of here you stupid shits,” he’d say causing them to start to flee in the opposite direction of him. She jumps startled at the sound of screaming behind her and turns to see a man behind her. “Shut it you idiot! you’ll scare them away” She shouts. But it was too late the hogs started running away… She throws down her lance in anger falls to her knees frustrated at todays hunt. Suddenly theres a loud grunt behind her. Turning her head to look she sees a giant hog who must be the mother of the little ones she was hunting. She scrambles quickly to her feet grabbing her lance off the floor. She was determined to get this hunt in today. Both of his miqo'te ears would perk up at the woman’s voice who he hadn’t noticed prior. He’d blink rather lazily at her as he looked her up and down. He’d give a slight frown at the state of her thin frail body, but as he heard the grunt from behind her his eyes narrow in behind her. “Little girl… you best move out of it’s way… you never stand between a mother and it’s spawn… trust me,” he’d call out as he went to rest his left hand on the hilt of his sword and started making his way towards her. Exhausted and hungry there was no way she was letting this hog go. Tightening her grip on the lance she stepped forward towards the hog and attacked. As her weapon made contact with the hog it let out a loud squeal and became and angry and lunged at her making her fall back. She hit the ground with a thud. Perhaps not wearing armour wasnt a good idea… though she never thought she would be hunting anything this big.

It wasn’t until she was pushed back from a brutal slam from the boar that the Miqo'te man arrived next to her. He’d reach down and unceremoniously wrap his arm around her mid thin midsection and lift her while his left leg went out to the boar to attempt to kick it’s nose in hopes of giving him enough time to carry the small child out of harms way in a hurry… hopefully she wouldn’t put up too much of a fight. Overcome by exhaustion and defeat she let the stranger carry her off. She didn’t speak except to say thank you. She didn’t know if she could trust him yet… as he carried her she studied him a bit.. she hadn’t seen him very clear before. She had some questions but knew now was not the time. She hated being rescued. She hated looking weak. The quick dash from the brush where they were to a good distance from the charging boar would take a few minutes. The ‘trip’ wasn’t pleasant at all for either party as going through brush with no time to peel back branches meant many scratches and maybe even some torn clothes when the mama boar finally gave up pursuit. He would take her to a clearing and let her go to her feet as he was finally able to look at her. His hand went to her chin and guided it upwards as if he was inspecting her. He made a straight face, before it went a bit disappointed. “Even for one of those Aura… you look frail and weak,” he’d say more so to himself then to her. He’d even go as far as turning her completely around to inspect her body fully. She stood there catching her breath while looking the stranger up and down admiring his strong arms that were able to carry her effortlessly through the brush. Blushing lightly when she realized he was watching her she turned her face away from him. “Yyes sir.. It’s been a hard year hunting wise with the humidity and imperialis scouting for hunters.  I guess at this point it would be easier to just move to a different area”

The man continued until he spun her around all they way around so he could see her body fully. “You are thin… weak,” he’d say in a very judging tone as he’d drop down to a knee and pull his pack from his back..  He’d also be sure to give her a few sniffs before pulling out a small little bag  with some dry meats.  "Imperials are probably least of your worries here… hunting in the shroud is forbidden… you are lucky the Adders haven’t caught you hunting.“ he’d say as he slowly rose back to his feet. He’d go to hand over the bag with some jerky in it but before she could take it he’d grip it tighter and pull it back just a bit. "Why should I give you this?” Taken off guard by the strangers blunt rudeness she takes a step back. "I..I don’t know. I guess you shouldn’t. After all I’m just a lowly AuRa to you. I’ll be fine. I’ll hunt again tomorrow in a different area” He lets out a huff through his nose as his ears lower, but doesn’t say anything.  His right hand with the dried meats extends towards the small woman and opens as if to let her take it. As he extends his hand she gets a smell of it… it smelled really good and slowly reaches out to take the bag" He would just blink and watch as she would take the bag. Again he’d let out a huff out of his nose as he glanced back where he took her from. “You would have better luck in La Noscea… or at least less Peril,” he’d say shortly still glancing away from her. She sits in the grass and takes a piece out and.puts it in her mouth looking up at the stranger…. She wondered if he bought it or made it himself .. it was very good. “Thank you….for the food and.the suggestion” “Also, you might not want to go out by yourself… if you are caught… you are just going to end up being someone’s bed warmer,” he’d say bluntly as he started closing his pack and putting his pack back on and preparing himself to depart.  He felt odd as he kept himself back from talking how he normally did… as this small woman seemed meek. “I’ve.. been by myself for quite some time..and while it may get lonely sometimes..Its better that what could happen if I were to befriend the wrong person.” She picked herself up from the grass feeling a tad bit better. Handing him back the half eaten bag. “Thank you. I feel alot better now that I have eaten. I will take your advice and move areas. If you.. have no previous engagements.. you are more than welcome to join me?” She looked at the stranger hoping he would stay with her.. While she didnt know if she could trust him, It was kind of nice having someone to talk to. He would have already taken a few steps from the girl as he paused and both ears perked up just a bit. “You can keep the food… there isn’t to many men… or women that like a half starved girl,” he’d say looking over his shoulder at her again. Again he looks her up and down one final time before turning on his heal and crossing his arms looking at her. “You would want me to join… you? When you are the one that is starving. No I think I will pass,” he’d say shaking his head. “But, it was kind enough for you to… try and welcome me… for that I will let you join me… at least for a bit,” he’d say blinking at her… wondering exactly what she would choose to do. “I ..am not always like this.. Like i said the hunt has been slow lately..and im not really looking to attract any men. Ive never been with one and at this point dont think I ever will be.. Im always on the move and have really only met one person since I left my home.” Pushing back thoughts of the half voidsent from before she looked at him smiling .. “I would love to join you if you truly dont mind it..At least till i can gather some of my strength back.” She picks up her lance and places the half eaten bag of jerky in her robe. “I guess if we are going to be traveling together for alittle while I should introduce myself. My name is Kharina.” He raises his right hand and shakes it a bit as she talks about attracting men. “I didn’t really care to hear about your… past experience with men,” he’d say shaking his head a bit.  He’d let out a sigh before resting his hands on his hips. “You can call me X'sete,” he’d say wrinkling his nose at her a bit. “Woman or not, do not expect any leniency…  and if you are following me I expect you to pull your weight… deal?” he’d say spitting onto the ground to his side and holding out his right hand, ready to give her a firm handshake. Kharina pulled back and turned around. “ Thank you but .. I think its best I just go my own way from here. I appreciate your help from before.. Maybe we will run into eachother later under better circumstances.” She pulled up her hood and began her walk back into the shroud. After a few minutes of walking she realized what her stubbornness and pride was costing her. She turned around and started running back towards X'sete. When she could see him inishe the distance she stopped near out of breath and yelled “Wait” Sete would have already had his back turned and started walking towards the thick brush by the time she seemed to get her head back on straight. He’d let out a rather loud sigh before looking over his shoulder back at her and just starred… waiting for her to say why she wanted him to wait. “..I know i seem weak right now.. and I know that you look at me in disgust for it.. and you dont think I could be of any use but i can be. I would very much like to join you if the offer is still there… I will pull my weight and keep to myself. I promise.” Kharina walked closer to him in hopes that she wouldnt have to continue this alone… at least until she could stand on her own two feet again… and although he seemed to be blunt and proud.. maybe it was better than being completely alone still. “You are wrong. I do not look at you in disgust because you are weak, nor because you are a woman, but that is neither here nor there.” He’d turn back the way he was facing and wouldn’t exactly turn her down from following him… “We are heading into Gridania. I need a bath, and a comfortable bed to sleep on for a couple nights. Is that going to be a problem… the guards aren’t after you are they…?” “No… not that I know of… I’ve been staying off radar for personal reasons.” All she could think about now was sleeping in a bed instead of the grass or in a tree to keep safe from the wild… She couldnt even remember the last time she had been IN Gridania and not just a spectator on the outskirts.. She loved to watch the women go by in the fancy dresses and the men strut around like they serve a purpose. A hot bath… now that would be a real treat.. Nice.. hot relaxing water ..as opposed to washing up in the rivers and lakes around. Snapping out of her daydream she look at him embarrassed by her  thoughts. “Apologies.. I ..didnt mean to take up so much of your time.. we can go as soon as you are ready. Kharina stood behind him waiting for him to continue so she could follow behind .. "That’s good,” he’d say as he’d turn back towards the direction of Gridania and start trudging through the thick brush.  He had no real plans of sharing his bed, nor his bath at least not for free. And for a quick judge of the woman that was now his companion, she couldn’t afford any of that and would probably have to sleep on the floor in his room, or a couch should it be provided. Regardless he moved towards the City and didn’t seem to be in a talkative mood… he must have been out there for a good while or at the tail end of a long journey. “You do not need to apologize for that… nor do you need to apologize for anything to me. Just keep up, and don’t put a blade in me,” he’d say simply as he would makeThey way towards and through the gates of Gridania without much further conversation.

[angeljonghyun]

So i guess here goes my longer ramble about my feelings and thoughts. No need to read it. Feel free to ignore it. The only way for me to feel relief is to post it online in some way and although i know tumblr is such a toxic site its the only space that feels right for it. its probably full of typos and doesnt make any sense, but hey who cares.

So yeah

Lately a lot of things happened, things which im thankful for and things that help me heal, but theyre not big of a help since my emotions are so strong. As some might know im currently in a clinic for relaxation 5 days a week from 10 am-2:30 pm and its pretty tough. Being around people again, experiencing painful moments during acupuncture (they find good spots that make me cry, not even really bc theyre hurting but they just make me feel all my inner pain all at once), feeling uncomfortable around certain people there and not loving all therapists bc theyre way too harsh with their words.

The past weeks have been intense and exhausting.. and since its all about relaxing i had much time to think. I had lots of time to think about jjong. Sadly it never felt like i have space, strength and time to heal properly.

I feel lots of pain,my heart feels so heavy, im bitter and im weak? Im forcing my emotions to stay calm, i hate crying in the clinic, i cant open up properly and just dont want to cry there all the time although i know i should but i just cant.

Jjong is on my mind 24/7 like literally 24/7 hes always there, always was and idk how much longer he will be but i want him to leave. My memories and the emptiness which i feel is too much, its draining me its hurting so freaking much that i cant even put it in words and the bad thing is that no one really understands.

People may know that im sad in a way but i dont think anyone understands my pain completely, obviously not, no one ever knows how one truly feels, but its a devastating feeling. Its a feeling that makes me feel quite lost and lonely, because the only person i always believed would understand my pain was him. He was my safe haven, he was the one who would be there and never judge and just understand.

Its a really sick part of my mind which has still control over this part of my emotions, i cant trust anyone, i always.. ALWAYS feel judged and i always feel like a burden and i never want to talk about my struggles because it only causes so much more chaos or eventually i never feel like the person tries and feel all lonely and unimportant again.

Jjong he was just there.. you know ?

Just his existence caused some kind of comfort for my soul, a place to rest and feel nothing but good things for a bit although even he was hurting me too, but i accepted it bc he was far away and it was ok. He was so far away always and that gave me the chance to create the 'perfect' comfort zone. I didnt know him, he was never here.. i will just pick out parts i need and use them to stay alive.

Its not something good, but i feel like everyone does this stuff with their bias. Some more than others. I did it too much and that shows how weak and hurt my soul is. Instead of working on my problems properly i just fled into the comfort of jjongs existence, one that was so very similar to my mothers, my mother who i have lost in november 2014. winter... buried in december. Winter. The season where I lost the most important person in my life not only once, but twice now.

Jjong was like a mother to me. I cant describe my feelings for him in another way. He protected me from so much evil within myself while i wanted to protect him too at all costs and it feels HORRIBLE to have failed yet another time. It hurts so fucking much that i lost him too. He who was the biggest reason for me not to kill myself after my mom died. He who was the reason why i started eating again after developing an eating disorder. He who caused so much good in my life. He who in some way managed to manipulate me in the best possible way.

In the end it was all me, i know that, but its still the bond i had to jjong. A sick and sad one and the worst part is that i felt ready to let go slowly at the end of last year. I started realizing that i coudlnt be thinking about him all the time anymore. I want to start going to school again after 4 years of nothing but therapy. I would HAVE to let go and create a more healthy relationship. I was so ready. And then he took his own life..

He stole the opportunity from me to change. He left me here. He left me and all my problems still attached to him behind. Hes not here anymore and although i never saw him or heard or felt him in real life it makes such a huge difference to me and at the same time it doesnt. That is one of the most confusing and depressing feelings ive ever felt.

I wanted to see him in 2018.. i had many chances to see him but never one to go with me. I finally had someone to go with... and now im here.. with that opportunity gone. My biggest wish my biggest dream, the ONE thing that kept me alive for so long. Gone... all ive ever wanted was to see him live. And now.. yeah.

Those are all selfish reasons. I know that. If you even read this then no its not all i feel, but of course my feelings towards him are most important to me, its the only feelings i can work on and the only ones i truly feel. My healthy grief is there too. A distanced version of what i personally feel and no other could. But thats not truly what this post is about. Please dont judge.

So now im here and i dont know what to do.

Death has been the worst and most intense trigger in my life forever. I started being so afraid of death as a child that i could not sleep anymore bc i thought i would die. It was a horrible time, therapy followed, fear left for a few years and came back as strong as ever. Its here too now. My fear. Another reason why i am alive now, yet its not strong enough to truly shut my self destructive thoughts up. Ive noticed that around the time of jjongs burial. I was ... so ready to leave. I still feel sympathy and empathy for myself there. Bc my pain is so big. Its truly so immense but no one truly knows or cares much. Maybe my therapist, but i doubt it.

Well im now always thinking about death and jjong being dead and ive said before that these thoughts are really killing me inside. Idk where he is, how he is, how he feels, does he feel? Whats up with him... what happens??? Its so scary. I find zero comfort in the thought of him resting bc where is he? Is he resting? Does he know? Where is the man i love so freaking much? Where is my mom? Is she with him? Are they lonely?

Ive always said

When its about death, i envy religious people. They have something to hold onto. I have nothing but the unknown in my head. Another one of my biggest fears and my loved ones are stuck in there. In the unknown. And im not there and i couldnt say goodbye to either of them.

Im so bitter i envy everyone whose bias is still there and im always thinking why him. Why HIM why another person of My life why someone i love so much why when i was feeling so much better thanks to him why did he have to suffer. Will i lose everyone?

Im afraid to sleep still bc im scared to wake up to news of another loved one gone. The fears and memories, theyre everywhere. I cant escape and i hate it and dont know how to process.

The most important form of jjong to me was and still is the fictional one, although jjong as a distant human being will always be more fictional to me than real. The fictional version which i have created for my own reasons, its still there just like always, its still cheering me up, its sweet its cute and lovely, but still hard to work with bc i always end up thinking about the real jjong.

Now after seeing the pictures of his grave i rather see that image than him as a person. I welcome that. Im glad i saw the pics bc its all more real to me now, im glad i saw the burial video.. although i never wanted it to be filmed or real in the first place. I dont think i would be still as sane as i am atm if i didn’t see this stuff.

I know that im doing quite good.. i should be proud of myself i guess.. but my pain is overshadowing everything else to the point where im completely at loss of every emotion just thinking about jjong not being here anymore.

Knowledge about his passing, own experiences and the whole process, everything. It haunts me.

Its quite a long way to go i think. I always felt so close to him, we were so similar and although he had many flaws i didnt quite like, especially as i was getting more healthy and he was still stuck, i still loved him so much and accepted that. He was getting so much better from and outside point of view and maybe that was the reason why he finally found strength to leave and its such a sad thing to think about, but i cant really change a thing anymore.

Sadly. Yeah ..

At the end of this i just want to say. Please just care, be there and if a depressed person in your life gets better please pay special attention bc it might be their chance to end it all. I dont want people to die bc of that dumb fucking illness anymore and i know its not possible to prevent it completely but well..

Im tired and theres still so much more to say for me but i cant say much more now. My head hurts and i need to get up and do something in order to forget about all of this for a while.

Please stay strong, please dont give up. I promise you one day it will get better, never fully ok, but better.

Im trying my best to find joy in jjong and shinee again, i doubt that i will, but im trying. I wont leave the fandom now, but im not the same anymore. Listening to shinees or jjongs music is impossible, watching videos too. If you feel the same its fine. Just do whats right for you. Im just here feeling happy for the others and hoping that theyre feeling better slooowly each day a little. Just like i hope it to be for everyone else.

If you came till here. Thanks for caring. Please take care of yourself, you are very loved. Life is hard, but not impossible.

Stay strong.

[pokefanbri]

Im still fucking fighting, i keep telling myself im not gonna let go & Fuck everyone else who thinks I should. But sometimes there's the opposite, im just lost & idk what to do....hes not gonna come back...so why should I bother to keep fighting 😔 If someone asks me...

Are they worth it? Absolutely. Because theres always room for improvement & growth, & we've been doing that apart for ourselves now for 7months. Did they give u the respect and attention u deserved? Are we not more valuable than that? Hell no & hell yes lol. Look I was happy just doing that for him but yea when it came to me honestly it was like nah im good 😒 & i know how fucked up it is that id go along with his selfishness but I did. I did deserve better & he knows I did... i just didnt wanna lose him & did anything he needed me for... but I ended up losing him anyway 😔 theres a reason why u work on that kinda shit & grow together as you go so everyone is happy, its fair to say we both lost sight...I was eager to learn everything about him cuz I wanted to be closer...but I was blocked out & pushed away, he wouldn't open up & talk to me or show feelings for anything, even of me when he used to all the time...like he was scared of being too attached or didnt want to get hurt..he didnt trust me or was afraid to show his true self or show any emotion that'd be viewed as weak due to the typical be a man complex. Idk I was confused & didnt know what was needed to help fix things so yea i walked on eggshells & me showing affection of my own free will was out of the question most of the time...I couldn't touch him unless he wanted me to & rare occurrences for my own satisfaction. Its the reason why I cried all the damn time, I felt avoided & unwanted because my own attention lacked pretty badly. How tf do I love a fucknugget bobblehead like that lmao, cuz I dont give 2 flying fucks he was my man ok! & being close enough to him made me happy enough I guess, I still looked at him like he was my world even if I wanted to slap him for making me feel so lonely at the same time. I admit his needs came b4 mine, he liked it more that way & I took care of him more than I did myself. But if he had more effort to take care of my needs in turn & I were happier than I was, & us happy at the same time, then maybe I wouldn't be so hard on myself...cry all the time & smoke like a chimney 🙁

I still don't fully understand why he held back, communicating with me on a deeper level is supposed to be natural & pretty much all normal couples show an appropriate amount of affection & understanding to eachother....but it was kept burried...was he afraid id hate him, judge him, make fun? No, id love him even more! Idc how dark he may think he is or whatever past bs he's gone through or even if he was lying about anything...its okay it can't hurt u anymore dear & we can overcome it just tell me what it is thats lacking & let's fix this. Id say "sit down babe, tell me everything, whats on your mind, what can I do to help 😊" & id give him the most gentle kiss on the forehead. I'd do anything to see a smile from that face & it makes me smile too. I want to help him, he needs somebody to hold just as much as I do cuz the fact of the matter is babe, he's just as broken as I am, we both need someone to put back our pieces & become whole again...after we try doing it solo it can only go so far b4 u want that physical presence of another again to help u more so. He keeps everything bottled up & especially didnt let me see what was happening to him I had no clue, if he didnt like talking to anyone he at least had me but still kept me away from him, whatever it was festered in him & he changed his whole demeanor toward me, he became colder & shut me out for good 😔 Making me feel even more unwanted. We didnt help eachother through our problems & I really wanted to, I wanted to save us for the longest time way b4 the end. Idk maybe if he put in as much effort & we knew how to function better together instead of a Corolla with just 2 wheels then we'd probably be fine...& our suspension wouldn't be dragging on the asphalt 😂 Its not all on him for fault, I take equal amount of responsibility, we failed eachother, we didn't know wtf we were doing & 9/10 it was just friends with benefits with only 1 of us in love & attached, & the other not really caring with side pieces to chat with 🤷‍♀️

U know what 🤬 They're right, he's right, & now I'm actually starting to accept it the more I write. Maybe just maybe,HE DOESN'T DESERVE ME AT ALL. Im still upset and frustrated. To answer the question again from earlier no maybe he's not worth it. I suffered through his bs and 10fold heartbreak afterward!! If he can't own up, right his wrongs & bring us both peace then no he's not worth suffering for afterall, and ive been loving the wrong soul this whole damn time 😣 He kicked me to the curb cuz he a fucking coward! He cant admit his wrongdoings, ask for forgiveness, say im sorry or actually put the tiniest bit of effort into a relationship to make it work, but instead disposes of me so he wouldn't have to confront any of it & just continue on like nothing happened are fucking kidding me!!?? I thought u were smarter than this, its beneath you to just run away & pretend I never mattered to you when we both know I did!!!....& im crying again. Im still feeling the betrayal apparently, ill never be able to trust him fully again anyway, let alone other men now. I dont hate you, I love you very much. But I hate the evil from you that you've shown me. I should've known honestly, I was naive to see all types of disrespect but this was the worst part. I still love him but i do deserve better than that & I hope he's changed his ways. Trust a guy with a high track record of ladies & a handful of em in their hand..what u think 🤔 can trust be gained back? Can I get over the bad uncalled for lying shit he's said about me to other women to make himself look better? Idk 🤷‍♀️ I haven't been able to rest without closure for so long, but enough is enough im making my own. You're absolutely right, you'd just manipulate me further, I thought maybe we could be better than before...round 2 at some point in the future...but maybe we're not salvageable after all. Thats up to u, I did everything I could, but now if u were to ever come back idk if I'd jump into your arms or slam the door in your face, I just dont know. Its better that I try never speaking of u again, or think of you for as long as I can so that I can heal better....cuz loving you even after the fact is tearing me apart & making me lose focus on what matters more, myself. I fought valiantly as long as I could, 7 months is a long time to not shut up about u lol.. maybe you've been hearing me I wouldn't know. I have to force it or ill never be able to, ill still silently grieve but as much as it hurts, Its time. U were my rock, an asshole but a good one, the best gamer I got to know, a boss at alot of things, with the cutest lil butt, & somehow the love of my life. Other than maybe something valentines or anniv related in Feb ofcourse....Ur getting what u wanted, I have to do whats best for me now, I have to let u go. I held on for so long but Im really tired & emotionally drained, im just torturing myself when i need to stop, im defeated, nobody won anything, everyone got hurt in 2020 why should our relationship be any different, id say we gave it our all be we both know we didnt. This hurts me so much to do, like my heart is breaking again. Bye babe, I love you with all my heart. 💋💞 💟

I tried to do what I could but if he left, I just gotta try to move on. If I take him back, I gotta consider how that's gonna look like & if I really got past the damage he did....obviously theres some I still haven't 😔 Its what im telling myself while trying to move past this. Others going through the same...We're in love and they ain't. We can't control their actions but we can control our actions. Im not a toxic person..only to myself, I love with all my heart, nobody bothers to understand...they just judge

[stillwooozy]

tw rape ig but no one reads this diary blog

But does anyone else.... FORGET they were raped? Like not repressed trauma/memories (i... really dont believe that to say the least.....) but just..... i push it so far away that something ovious needs to push the knowledge forward

ive been in some shitty sitautions jfc. the only reason i can type this rn is cuz im numb cuz if drugs

Anyways i was raped twice and almost raped once. well once i dont remmeber cuz i was drugged but ik i was raped. and like ... it sucks man. It really does. i acknowledge those experiences probably fucked me up more than i give them credit. A part of me does blme myself tho, which ofc isnt “right” but i cant help it. I put myself into dangerous situations knowing the full possibilties. I liked the thrill. It added excitement and made me feel imporant when i felt if everyone hated me

Like no one knows. I feel like no one understands. My choices led to my experiences, and its just humiliating. Idk why im thinking of this now

No i know. Its cuz im hypersexual and asexual at the same time. And i have no more close friends. Im lonely. And i cant keep relationships.

I feel like my experience/life is normal. And the sad part is i think it is.

I hold 0 spite towards # me-too to clarify. I dont even want ppl to address men rape cuz gay men are villianized like taht. Countless times gay men, gay fucking boys, are “canceled” for bullshit they never did cuz straight ppl are so afraid of gay guys. But its not being gay that is the problem. Its just so many men. Its a society taht treats mentally ill like trash& has a toddlers understanding of consent. Cuz to truly value consent... u have to go against a lot of the status quo

Im just angry at my younger self. Why did i purposefully put myself in danger? I know why. Its just gonna hurt for a while. Been years now .

No.. it doesnt hurt it just negatively impacts me.

And i cant fcking speak about

Or tecnically i can but come on. I am surrounded by emough shame and humilitation around me. Im mentally fucked and king of bad decisions. Even therapists get weirded out. Even good ones. Not weirded out, just.... unable to address it.

I can understand genocide more than rape. Like actual rape. Like i was held at knife point. Wish i was making up some fun story. Who tf gets pleasure from that?????? Just sign up on fetlife and find a partner and roleplay. U dont need to ruin a 16 yr old boy and take away his dignity. I hate it. There are si many other power games to play???

I like.. just push the mmeory away. I walk by the gay bar where i happened in the bathroom for the first time and i barely flinch. I pretend it was a dream ya know, like hahah so pathetic of me. Having my drink spiked was better. it was just so horrible waking up the next day in a strange apartment and the man was like... nonchallent. He didnt say ANYTGHING and it delt like i was in a horror movie cuz he coukd if killed me, he could of done snuthing, i hate jo idea what haooened ro my body and i just left. Snd somethimes i think i see him but ik its not i just can barely remmeber his face and who the FUCK does that ????? But mayeb i flirted too kuch: but why did he do that? I orobably wouldnof rucked him if he just asked. Idk. The last time i was like 17 Or 18? Idk actually i dont think younger but not odler thna 19, but i actually fought back and then just fcking ran. He had a knife tho and now i had one too and thats the moral why i alwYs have a swiss army knife in my backoack.

Its jdut fucked io, right? I mean ppl have it worse. I couldnt imagine getting abused or raped by like.... ur uncle as a CHILD. Idk.

Im sad rn. How can i be sad on so many happy pills? For some reason i feel extra disgusting cuz its been so long since anyone could use me. I dont like being used and at this point i am DONE with sex i just like attention. And letting someone fuck me is great attenrion. And man, fuck fetish jate, i love ppl w:l/ fetishes becasue its way more rhan shoving their musty dick in me. I dont have a foot fetish in the slightest - but u wany to massga emy feet and suck my toes? Go to town boy

I miss my ex. We didnt talk about this much hut thats my oroblem. She had no sinilar experience but she is very emoathetic and i trust her. Like she didnt make me feel weak or pathetic when i disclosed it ya know. I just said “i have had some unconseual sex experiences and they rly never come into play but i’ll lyk if they do” and shes was just like “omg lets talk about it when ur ready, no pressure, idk why u didnt tell me earlier but im so sorry” and it made me nut just feeling ~validated~ like that.

Well im gling to sleep. Enjoy ky tangenr. I cant type jfc thays a bad sign but hey!!!! If i dont remember writinh this, it will still exist, and i can read it weeks later and go “damn. I rly was numb yhay night if i was able to so chillly talk about some of the worst events if my life”

[california5tr0ng]

I feel like I haven’t done this in a while but ive been wanting to do a stream of conscious type of post just to decompress i guess? I havent seen a therapist in over a year so the repression in REAL

Anyways lets get started..

I love living in boston but ya girl is broke as FUCK! BUT is it worth my mental health and well being… I would give it like an 80%. The stress of my job and money account for the other 20%. Also I’m lonely af… I havent been in a relationship since tucker at that was like almost fours YEARS ago like wtf? I’m not sure honestly why. I keep saying its because he was a fuck head that took away my ability to trust or love another man. I told my self it was because he put me in a deep depression that im still trying to crawl out of? I’m still trying to love myself before I love someone else as the glorious Ru Paul says. Is this stuff all true? hell yeah! it these the only reasons? I dont think so. I dont know in the back of my mind Ive always questioned my sexuality and I dont know if that why I’ve taken such a long hiatus from the dating world.. Ive never said this out loud/on a public forum.. it weird. Im 100% into guys but I also find myself checking out girls but not in a super sexual way? I’m still trying to work it out and figure out life man. Kinsley scale and shit.. I also think I need to talk about it in person with someone but im too nervous i guess? which is strange in this day an age but idk.. Right now I love myself, I have a cat, great friends, and a place to rest my head. Life isnt suppose to be easy right?  There is just something thats holding me back and I want to figure out what it is…

peace and blessings yall.. this is distracting me from american gods

[frop]

do all of them you mother fucker

not Once but Twice u have done this to m 

Star Platinum – Your thoughts on the stars? i always did like then when i was younger but now they just make me think of jojo so now i especially like them 

Magician’s Red – Do you know any magic tricks? no but im gonna say what u said and i can bend my fingers waay way farther than most people

Hermit Purple – Show a photo of yourself! I HAVENT taken a selfie in forever i’ll do one later 

Silver Chariot (Requiem) – How much sleep do you need on average? i would love a good 10+ but i only get that much on saturday now boo but on average its like 6-7 

The Fool – Tell us a joke! Is your refrigerator running? Because i’m gonna suck your dick

The World -  A place you want to visit? canada like you would not believe 

Crazy Diamond – What do you treasure the most? hmmmmmmm my friendships with my friends 

The Hand – Do you like your hands? nnnot particularly bc i spent a good portion of my life and still do sometimes where i bit my nails til they bleed so they dont look as nice as i’d like them to be when they grow out 

Echoes – Your favourite sound? The world’s time stop sound, but not jotaro’s version, dio’s specifically

Heaven’s Door – Share a secret! my parents’ divorce has made me scared for the future of my own relationships to the point where i can see myself not ever wanting to be in a relationship ever again bc it would be easier than my partner getting tired of me or hating me. on top of the fact that i’m almost exactly like my father and my mom’s ex fiance in every single emotional department which is what caused their divorce/breakup respectively in the first place and that leads me to believe that in the long run i am Romantically  Unlovable 

Killer Queen – How would you like to die? preferably quick and painless 

Bad Company – What kind of character trades do you dislike? any character that is like ‘waahh wah no one understands me bc i enjoy [’highly advanced’ niche series/book/etc] and they all read [popular series/book/etc] like whatever the fuck his name was in aku no hana, it got so obnoxious i had to drop it lmao 

Red Hot Chili Pepper – Can you handle spicy food? cat’s out of the bag guys im actually a Fake Mexican bc i only like mild stuff and hot chips 

The Lock – Anything you feel guilty about right now? ya but thats for another day 

Love Deluxe – Are you secretly in love with someone right now? its absolutely no secret that i am in love with jonathan joestar 

Pearl Jam – Your signature dish? i can make some mean ass rice apparently 

Achtung Baby – Do you want kids? nnnope no thanks never ever i have my cat and thats enough for me 

Harvest – Do you pick up coins in from the street? no bc u dont know where thats been and money is super dirty already 

Cinderella – Which part of your body do you like the most? dang, i guess my thighs? but lately i’ve been a lot easier on myself abt my stomach and how soft it is 

Atom Heart Father – How is your relationship with your father? pretty good bc we’re really alike in temperament too but sometimes it gets pretty awkward bc he can never see me as anything but his little baby daughter who Never Grows Up

Enigma – What is puzzling you currently? when is davidpro gonna drop the part 5 teaser 

Earth Wind and Fire – What’s the best classical element? i personally have always liked fire 

Stray Cat – Cats or dogs? i love both but man im more suited for cats 

Gold Experience – A precious experience you have not shared with your followers? oh man over this summer my dad his gf and me and my sis when on a trip to her dad’s place in this really small town that was like 3 hours away from our city and it was so nice and quiet and peaceful and i felt so clean and happy there, we were only there for a couple days but ever since i’ve really been wanting to go back

Sticky Fingers – Zippers or buttons? zippers are so much faster but they get caught sometimes so Really, pros and cons of each 

Moody Blues – A song that makes you sad? OOO man i was gonna say epitaph bc Of Course but as i was writing this down melancholy man by moody blues came up on this playlist and now im thinkin abt abba and crying 

Sex Pistols – Have you ever shot a gun or riffle? no im tiny and a weenie and i would probably die from the recoil

Aerosmith – Are you afraid of flights? ive never been on one but i am scared of heights so i cant imagine thats any better 

Purple Haze – What makes you really angry? it used to be not being listened to but now i just let it happen bc Why bother but now its more whenever my mom makes a big deal out of simple mistakes of waiters/waitresses or when shes being obviously racist 

Spice Girl – Your favourite spice? idk what its called but theres this one i like to put on fruit before i eat it to make it Spicy 

King Crimson – Is it possible to predict the future? man idk my mom says yea but who knows 

Black Sabbath – How easily do you trust people? like stupidly easy 

Man in the Mirror – Do you like looking into the mirror? nope lol im ugl. ALSO bc i have a bigger than average fear of reflective stuff in general bc what if i see somethign behind me u kno,,,, 

Beach Boy – Have you ever been fishing? nope! the one time my dad went that i knew abt i was in mexico 

The Grateful Dead – What do you want to be remembered for? honestly, anything else that being the ‘way too nice one’ or the doormat 

White Album – Your favourite CD? aaaaa i dont have one i dont really listen to albums 

Talking Head – Are you a good liar? i guess ? i can keep a pretty straight face but its harder to lie to someone i actually know really well bc they can probably tell what my tics are 

Baby Face – Your thought on babies? theyre cute but i would greatly prefer to never have any 

Metallica – Do you like listening to metal? yea

Green Day – Ideal way to spend a day off? sleep, Sleep, stream with friends and lay in bed

Oasis – Best place for a holiday? hhhhh anyplace that relaxes u tbh 

Stone Free – Are you a indoor or outdoor person? i n d o o r i dont like bugs 

Kiss – Who would you like to kiss or get a kiss from? jonathan joest

Burning Down the House – Ever destroyed something and then regretted it? nah, once again im a weenie and im too worried abt consequences to ever do smth like that

Foo Fighters – Your favourite drink? god damn i fucking love raspberry iced tea 

Diverdown – Your thoughts on diving? the ocean fills me with the fear of god. no thanks 

C-Moon – What would you do for your friend’s sake? put myself in bodly harm 

MadeinHeaven – What do you believe happens after you died? nothing tbh you just end up in a grave or urn or wherever u wanted to be put 

Weather Report – Your favourite weather? man i looove love stormy weather 

Whitesnake – Your thoughts on snakes/reptiles? i love them theyre all gorgeous and beautiful

Tusk – Tea or coffee? coffee

Ball Breaker – Your favourite ball game? to play? its basket ball but to watch baseball 

Oh! Lonesome Me – Do you feel lonely right now? no not right now but im sure it’ll happen soon 

Scary Monsters – Your favourite dinosaur? i love velociraptors and also triceratops !!

Cream Starter – Do you usually wear make up? nope and if i do its only ever lipstick

Catch the Rainbow – Your favourite colour in the rainbow? blue and green!! 

Ticket to Ride – What was the last ticket you bought for? i didnt buy it but the last one i had was for the rogue one like. 2 weeks ago

Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap – Do you believe in the multiverse? i dont think abt it too often but sure

In a Silent Way – Do you enjoy complete silence? yes!! besides some music, i cant concentrate otherwise 

Soft & Wet – Shower or bath? shower bc its easier but i havent taken a bath in forever 

Paisley Park – How good are you with reading maps/directions? Terrible God Awful

Nut King Call – How good are you at assembling/constructing things like Ikea furniture? hmm it depends if i have the manual for it and if i have time to really think on it and im not in a rush or anything

Paper Moon King – Can you do any origami? nope 

King Nothing – Your favourite smell? i really like the smell of cinnamon 

BornThisWay – A strange habit you have? i crack my fingers all the damn time and i like to take off the little plastic circle off of soda bottles and chew on it 

Les Feulies – Your favourite plant? oh damn hmm i like lavenders 

Fun Fun Fun – Something you really enjoy doing? man. i could watch jojo a million times over and i’d never get bored of it 

California King Bed – What size is your bed? currently i sleep in a queen size bc my mom and sis and i share a bed bc we only had one room in our old apartment but now that we moved im sure i’ll be kicked off into a twin soon enough 

JESUS christ ok its almost midnight i hope ur happy you mother fuckre 

[gabzg11]

I don’t care about men from Australia.

GrantAndrews has nothing to do with those men. Yuck.

I don’t care about those men and he is not like them, that’s why I fell so much for him.

I shouldn’t have to post this shit for that to make any sense. To be surrounded by the right kind of men, men that actually are better than GrantAndrews.

I want to move on. I want a boyfriend and I’m sick of being alone. I want a man that has nothing to do with high school, my upbringing or people that I know.

I want to move on and be with someone who doesn’t remind me of everyone else. Someone who is so much better than every other man.

No Pisces men.

No fuckboys.

No losers.

If you don’t see me smiling or happy, blame god. If you don’t see me genuinely happy blame god. Because I did EVERY POSSIBLE THING I COULD DO TO HAVE A BETTER RELATIONSHIP...

I QUIT.

I QUIT PRAYING FOR EVERYTHING IVE WANTED IN A MAN.

I QUIT TRUSTING GOD.

I QUIT LIFE.

I QUIT.

I’ve quit so many good things and bad things and here I am.... still alone.

I’m not my cousins... I’m not my family members.

IF GOD REALLY WANTED ME TO BE HAPPY, I WOULD NOT BE SINGLE.

THATS HOW I KNOW IM UNLOVED.

I quit smoking, I quit drugs, I quit stripping, I quit lying, I quit hurting myself, I quit going for violence, and I quit being angry and IM STILL ALONE. SO YES... I GIVE UP ON ALL OF YOU.

I was found by GrantAndrews at Tesla and I thought for sure, because I quit everything bad and came so far in life, that he was the one because he was all of the things I never had.... I thought for sure it was because I had been stripping for so long, because I partied etc...

HE STILL ABUSED THE FUCK OUT OF ME.... HOWS THY FOR FAITH??? HOWS THAT FOR BEING AS GOOD AS YOU XAN HE FOR YOURSELF AND FOR THE MAN YOU WANTED TO MEET SO BADLY AND TO LIVE WITH AND FOR, and TO HAVE BABIES WITH AND LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER WITH....I AM SUCH A GOOD PERSON AND LOVE WHO I AM...

And here I am alone wanting to die because I have no boyfriend and that’s all I pray for.

All I can say about that, is that nobody actually cares....especially god. Nobody sees that I do my makeup when I really want to be noticed and talked to and loved and given the effort I WANT, THE EFFORT I NEED.

I DONT CARE ABOUT CHURCH ANYMORE. I DONT CARE ABOUT ANYTHING OR ANYONE EXCEPT FOR RHE MAN THAT NEEDS TO BE IN MY LIFE AND HELP ME UP OFF OF THE GROUND AT MY WEAKEST AND MOST DESTROYED AND LONELY...

So where the fuck is he???

ALL I EVER NEEDED WAS A MAN TO ACTUALLY FIT ME AND NEVER STOP CHASING ME.

IM SO ANGRY AND HURT AND LET DOWN BY GOD AND THE UNIVERSE.

I believe in miracles but for me this time. For MY love life. For MY finances . I don’t give a shit about anything else anymore... I’ve been pouring from an empty cup for WAY TOO LONG.. and nobody even notices... I feel like that’s pretty fucking talented.

[asksansweredpdf]

These are actually solid questions

1. First thing you wash in the shower? my hair

2. Are you more of a coffee or alcohol drinker? i can’t stand coffee. and alcohol might as well be my blood at this point

3. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? haha noooo. he was nice but i felt literally nothing. was like kissing a brick wall or something. tbh i never feel much when i kiss boys

4. Do you plan outfits? YES. i’m a drama queen and a diva and flamboyant and i need to look good always. i have my graduation in 2 days and i still haven’t planned what to wear and it’s bothering me

5. How are you feeling RIGHT now? tbh pretty numb. like not happy and not sad. just. .... chillin

6. Whats the closest thing to you thats red? my track pants

7. What would you do if you opened your door and saw a dead body? well with the mood im in now, i probably wouldn’t react. but the logical side of my brain would kick in and i’d phone it in to the police. 

8. Tell me about the last dream you remember having? it’s still that one about the creepy old dude touching me in the car. 

9. Three of your current feelings? -introspective -apathetic

-wistful

10. What are you craving right now? tbh i would very much love to hug my stuffed pink harold. but he’s downstairs and i just don’t have the energy to walk haha

11. Turn ons? not rly in the mood to answer these

12. Turn offs?

13. What comes to mind when I say cabbage? this vine

14. When was the last time you cried? Why? idk like over a month ago. i had to work a thursday night shift which is always super stressful. and that day my sister just started beating the shit out of me so the anxiety was like double

15. If you could be a superhero, who would you want to be? ironman. any day. or spiderman because it’d be fun to just swing around the city listening to music peacefully

16. Did the one person who hurt you most in your life apologize? nope. she doesn’t even know that i know about half the shit she did. never ever apologised about the stuff she knows i know about. no acknowledgement. no apology. just pretends it never happened

17. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it? lick it 

18. Favorite movie ever? idk i like frozen and pride and prejudice and the hunger games

19. Do you like yourself? i like myself, but i can’t seem to justify why. i don’t really have an identity. i don’t know what i’m like. and so it’s hard to like myself when i don’t know what i like about my self, or why i do. but i enjoy being myself.

20. Have you ever met a celebrity? i met stan walker once? he’s a minor celebrity in australlia

21. Could you handle being in the military? part of me would thrive in the structure and forced exercise and socialisation. another part of me would completely crumble because like i have anxiety

22. What are you listening to right now? i don’t give a ... - missio

23. How many countries have you visited? india, america, canada, australia. so 4 i guess

24. Are your parents strict? you betcha

25. Would you go sky diving? sure yeah. i’m afraid of heights so the adrenaline would be wild

26. Would you go out to eat with George W. Bush? nah. i dont give a shit about him. maybe i’d go if he paid for the food.

27. Whats on your mind right now? literally nothing. mostly thinking about endgame. i’m also thinking about taking my mum’s anti anxiety meds since she doesn’t use them and i have anxiety. but i don’t want to take them without professional advice. but also, i am a professional advice. and like what could happen? i’d get mentally ill?

28. Is there anything you want to say to someone? nah i dont really feel like talking atm. i guess i’d ask if they wanted to go for a smoke. i would love a cig rn

29. Have you ever been in a castle? no but i would love to!!

30. Do you rent movies often? not really, i just watch stan/netflix

31. Whats your zodiac sign? cancer sun, leo moon, libra rising

32. When was the last time you had sex? i haven’t had sex

33. Name five facts about yourself. i honestly don’t think i know enough about myself to do this but let’s give it a go -i have short hair -i love music more than literally anything -i turn 21 this year and i have no idea what to do for it -i’m thinking of getting a motorbike soon -i’ve never broken a bone

34. Ever had a near death experience? If so, what happened? nope

35. Do you believe in karma or predestiny? i used to. and i absolutely would love to believe in all that stuff. but not to sound angsty or whatever, i’ve had so many shitty things happen to me that it’s hard for me to believe that it’s all part of some big plan or that there is any justice in the world. i think people just do shit and that’s it

36. Brown or white eggs? ive never had white eggs so..... brown?

37. Do you own something from Hot Topic? nah we dont have it in australia

38. Ever been on a train? yeah man i love trains

39. Ever been in love? not mutually, no

40. If you were paid 1 million dollars to spend the night in a supposed haunted house, would you do it? it’s a million bucks. absolutely. one night of terror to never have to worry about anything ever again. i’m a witch too so as much as i’d be scared, it’d be fine.

41. If you could trade places with any person living or dead, who would you trade places with? someone rich and famous. maybe harry styles or freddie mercury. i’m sure they didn’t have it easy, but it’s certainly easier than things have/ever will be for me you know?

42. If you could shorten your life expectancy by 10 years to become more attractive, would you do it? absolutely

43. Whom do you admire and why? i tend not to admire irl people. but i do admire tony stark a lot (GOD this is so lame ksajrsjkfs). i admire his charisma, his confidence, his humour, his good looks, his intelligence, his eyes. he embodies everything i feel like i can never be. but everything i’ll always want to be.  i admire freddie mercury. for his work drive and ethic. for his confidence and stage presence, his ability and talent in singing, songwriting, musical instruments. his flamboyancy, his sense of humour. again, these are all qualities i would love to have.

44. What was your favorite bedtime story as a child? oh i never really got read bedtime stories

45. You’re walking down the street, you come across a burning building. A woman says her baby is trapped inside, what would you do? internally, i’d be like “that sucks for you” and walk away. but i can’t be a dick, so i’d assess the extent of the fire and see if there was a way to save the baby. i’d try if so, if not idk what i’d do. panic and call 000?

46. If you could choose the future profession of your son or daughter, would you? nah man. gotta let kids live their lives 

47. What was your best experience on drugs or alcohol? alcohol: the night i just moved out of home 2 weeks ago. my roommate invited a friend over, and we all had fun and played never have i ever and i flirted with this really cute guy and had so much fun. i hadn’t really had any experiences like that before because i was - anyway. it was nice to feel like a normal 19 year old just for a second weed: either the time i was drunk and high at our housewarming party and went to the park and felt like i was on a fucking rollercoaster, or the time i got super cooked after work and had a shower which felt amazing and then went back to my room and listened to beautiful people beautiful problems. i didn’t hallucinate per se, but i closed my eyes and could like see the lyrics “blue is the colour of the planet from the view above”. it was like i was in outer space and could see the earth and i was so relaxed and it was so magical mdma: my halloween party! there were so many people and no one knew i was high and we had a mad dance party and i met some of our neighbours and i just had so much fun talking to everyone and Living. 

48. What was your worst experience on drugs or alcohol? alcohol: being around boring people when drunk is boring. especially because when i’m drinking i really want to have a good and fun time.  weed: ahh i have anxiety so i used to get a few panic attacks when i was smoking mdma: eugh it was my friends 21st at the time and we took mdma and i thought it wasnt kicking in because all we did was sit in bed and talk. literally so boring. im so mad that i wasted my first time like that

50. As your walking down the street you find a suitcase full of money sitting next to a parked car, would you take it? nah, i’d probably hand it in to the police. actually, i dont trust the police so i’d probably google what to do with it. but probably police because i cant have stolen money or give it to someone else. 

51. If you found that a close friend has AIDS, would you still hang out with them? not hanging out with someone because of that has literally never even crossed my mind

52. In front of you are 10 pistols, 5 of which are loaded. If you survive you’d receive 100 million dollars. Would you be willing to place 1 to your head and pull the trigger? nah. i’m actually going places now days

53. How old were you when you lost your virginity? tba

54. Do you believe in ghosts, werewolves or vampires? nope

55. If you could live forever, would you want to? yeah probably. i’d like to give it a trial run though. i’m very anxious, so being lonely and immortal might make it worse. but at the same time, being immortal might make it easier to not give a shit and to be less anxious

56. Which fictional movie character most resembles who you are? honestly i feel like jane villanueva or peter parker

57. If you could go back in time, which time period would you visit? i would love to be a victorian bitch with a bomb ass dress and waist

58. If they were to televise a live execution, would you watch it? probably not. unless it was someone i really hated, i wouldnt give a shit

59. If you could be the president of the USA, would you be willing to do it? i mean i wouldn’t be the best person for the job, but i also wouldn’t be the worst. if i could have time to properly study politics then yeah i’d consider. 

60. If you could choose the sex of your unborn child, would you want to? i’d probably want a girl but i dont really see any reason to not have a boy

61. Would you rather live longer or be wealthy? be wealthyyyyyy