#also! I have one more thing thats the last thing i promised myself id finish before reopening so ill open my inbox soon after posting it

[cinnamonest]

Eventually I'll make another full hybrid post for multiple boys, but right now I specifically want to focus on the (actually kinda wholesome) idea I had for Tighnari... I rewatched one of the videos I watched for the profile and seeing them run around chasing each other is so adorable and I realized Tighnari deserves his soulmate Fennec Foxgirl

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It feels... perhaps ironic isn't the best word, he thinks. Surreal? No, that's too strong of a term. Likewise, 'humorous' is too weak to the describe the bizarre emotion this interaction brings him.

 Just... Odd. A weird, uncanny feeling.

 He stoops down further, crouching on his feet, tilting his head to get a better look at you. This is not what he expected to find when he set a cage trap. He would have figured it was just a normal animal eating his research plants and the communal trash away, but here you are. You're crouched in the back of the metallic crate, stiff and snarling. It feels so strange to look at you.

 You are, all in all, the same creature. You just so happened to be a lineage that went down the path of separation from humanity and chose to be feral instead, it seems.

 ...is this what he would have been like, if his lineage had done the same? He can't help but wonder. You growl and snarl and snap your jaws at his fingers when he reaches out to try and pet you through the bars. So lowly and animalistic, lacking in human intellect. You feel worlds apart to him, as if there's no way you are the same, and yet he knows you are. Is it really possible that mere upbringing is truly the only thing that separates you from him? Could he just as easily have turned out to be this creature, naked and unspeaking, rummaging about through trash and gardens like a common pest?

 Your ears, although a sandy golden color, mimic his own, comically large and twitching atop your head. Your tail swishes behind you. You snarl and show your pointed teeth. You really do share all the same traits.

 ...But you look so afraid. He now sees how badly you tremble, despite putting on a ferocious act to try and scare him away. After a moment, you seem to drop the facade of toughness as you start to curl in on yourself, eyes watering, whimpering and quivering.

 Not only are you sickly-looking, you're far from home, too. You should be in the desert, but you ended up here... you must have gotten lost and ended up in an unfamiliar place, how unfortunate. And it seems you can't hunt anything here either, hence the need to steal food (primarily garbage from the bins, and from his own property mostly medicinal herbs at that, you wouldn't eat that unless you were really desperate). 

Either way, he can't just release you into the forest, you'd most likely die out there, even if you didn't come back to disturb the research. Sigh... no choice but to take you in, at least until someone makes a trip to the deserts and can take you along then. Of course, it does strike him that this also makes an interesting source of observation, and he is admittedly curious to know more about you. But primarily, he can't just let you die.

 It poses issues, though. First there's the matter of getting you to calm down and not attack. Once he first lets you out of the cage, you try to run away, and you have the audacity to bite him when he tries to grab you by the arm and hold you still. He still has a scar to this day where your teeth nicked his shoulder.

Eventually, the only way he could get you to calm yourself was throwing you back in the cage and forcing you to inhale some sedatives, keep you limp and loopy for a couple of days while feeding you and petting you to get you used to his presence. By the time you can be brought off of it, you're grumpy about the matter, but it seems that giving you food is a very quick fix to any bad moods you may have. More importantly, you don't try to bite him anymore, or even flinch at his touch. In fact, he learns you seem to appreciate some head pats, as well as ear rubs (of course, he knows how to give the best ear rubs and scratches, seeing as his are just like your own).

 You're fairly compliant now, too, which is nice, it's not some huge struggle to tame you. You have now registered him in your mind as "the guy who feeds me and makes my wounds feel better," which means that you are very receptive to his touch and presence, and as soon as he goes back to his daily routine, you follow him around without him even needing to drag you along. You're always right there by his side... especially as you're still a bit afraid of others. Each day you follow him from place to place, entertaining yourself with... whatever it is you do, usually napping at his feet or chasing bugs around on the ground... well, you occupy yourself with that while he has important conversations and does his work.

Unfortunately, though, he can't risk taking you with him for patrols, even though he feels bad about leaving you there. He spends less and less time doing so, and tries to come back sooner, assigns other people to his usual roles unless it’s a genuine danger that needs to be dealt with. People are a bit surprised he would transfer that job to others, but it’s not as if he’s lazy, he just has something else to take care of... besides, they’re very grateful for it, because whenever he leaves he has to lock you in your crate, and you (how on earth it doesn’t bother your own ears, no one knows) decide to express your discomfort by screaming out that little high-pitched cry of yours over and over until he returns (to complaints of headaches, irritated glares, and being begged to never ever leave them alone with you again). He tries to make it better for you by making the crate softer, more padding, leaves in those dog toys he got someone to purchase from the city that you seem to like, but you have no interest in them when he’s gone, so the only way to pacify you is to be there.

Speaking of the cage, the first night after letting you out of it, he tried to put you back in so you could sleep... but you fought tooth and nail, yowling and whimpering and biting again dammit -- anyway, eventually he let you follow him to his own lodging, pulled out a cot for you to sleep on, lifted you up and sat you down on it. You spent about ten minutes there before he's pulled out of half-sleep by the sound of your feet on the floor as you shuffle your way over and promptly wriggle your way under his blankets and curl up beside of him. Of course, he stiffens at first, shifts backwards and stammers to say something, but... the way you open your eyes and look at him all hurt, let out a whimper, confused why he's trying to move away...

 Well... he can't just hurt your feelings like that... so, although his face feels hot and he's fidgeting awkwardly, he still moves back towards you. Fine... just this one night. You'll be comfortable with sleeping on your own soon enough, and no one will have to know about this.

 Much like him, you sort of pull your knees up, wrap your tail around yourself as is instinctive... your bodies sort of fit together, like how puzzle pieces align perfectly. Your tails overlap, your legs intertwine, your head presses against his chest. He just has to deal with the occasional ear twitching in his face.

 One night turns into the next... and the next... on the third night, he tries to set you down on the cot again, but as soon as he sets you down, you swing your legs over the side, stand up, and sure enough, make your way over to what you seem to now consider your shared bed. He can't communicate to you to try and get you to understand, but... well, that's fine... it's not a big deal, he tells himself.

 What's more important is that you aren't well-adjusted to human living, of course. For starters, getting you to wear clothing was a battle in and of itself, you hated it at first, tore the first shirt he gave you to shreds while trying to pull it off. He ended up having to go the route of conditioning -- giving you small morsels of treats for not tearing clothes off, and denying them when you did, until you got the message and now can consistently wear a single layer of oversized shirt that comes down to your knees. Anything more than that, though, and you start fighting it again. Additionally, you're okay with him and his presence, but you have to be slowly acclimated to other people, seeing as you growl at them... he had to grab you to stop you from biting yet another person several times. What is it with you and wanting to bite? Sigh...

 Those ears end up presenting a challenge too. Over the years, he's reached a point where he's learned to handle it well and even knows how to mentally tune out some noises, just try to ignore it, but you're not used to the usual level of noise in the area at all, and even more sensitive than he is. Early on, whenever there's a lot of activity going on in the village, you start to whimper and whine and grab at your ears, pulling them down to block the sounds. At least he learns to tell when you're uncomfortable, and takes you over to a quiet room whenever you're distressed and waits it out with you.

 Other people take notice of your interactions too, of course. They snicker and make offhanded comments about how funny it is to watch the two of you go around everywhere together, how you look alike in some ways but are so different in others. They tease him about how he takes you with him everywhere, make him all flustered and red in the face when they comment about how sweet it is for him to care for you, and how attached you are to him. He just says it’s his responsibility.

 But internally, he wonders if you, too, realize the similarity between you two. Do you understand that he's different from the other humans? What about yourself? And more importantly, do you understand that you two are the same? Do you see yourself as different from both him and the others and merely associate him as the same as the other humans, or do you recognize that the two of you are different from everyone else in the same way? He has no way of asking you, so he has to gauge by your actions.

 You do seem to take notice of his features, even if he doesn't know if you've realized they're the same features as yours. Once, as you sit next to him while he works, you tilt your head in curiosity, eyes widening when your attention is captivating by his twitching ears. You reach a hand up to paw and swat at them. And on multiple occasions, you've tried to pounce on and wrangle his tail. Much to his irritation, that is. He's still embarrassed about how the first time you did so, he was mid-conversation with someone else, and yelped rather loudly at the sudden surprise, turning in circles in an attempt to grab you and detach your grip while the onlookers tried to hold back laughter.

 So you do seem to recognize specific features, but do you possess the cognitive capacity to realize you're the same sort of creature? That is the question... but there's no way to know for sure.

 He finally seems to get somewhat of an answer on one day like any other, just the normal routine of walking from one small building to the next, carrying out some daily tasks. And all of a sudden, for no discernable reason, you bolt. You turn on your heel and take off in the opposite direction, feet pattering the ground as you go.

 At first, it sparks immediate concern as he goes running after you, calling out for you to stop, even though he knows you don't understand the words themselves. But you keep running. Every few seconds you dart in a different direction, drawing him out and away from the cluster of dwellings among the trees and out into the wilderness itself, the otherwise quiet and empty forest. After a few more minutes, you disappear behind a tree. He stops, panting, goes to walk up to you, but you then take off and get behind another. It repeats again and again.

 He's starting to feel frustrated, but he sees you poke your head out from behind the tree... and can now see that you're smiling at him. Your eyes are wide and you're breathing heavily with excitement. He turns towards you, but you take off again, and he chases you from tree to tree until you slip behind the cover of one of the larger ones again, poking your head out to look at him again, tail visibly swishing in delight behind you. You make a high-pitched little sound, like a squeal. He starts to feel warm.

 ...Oh.

 You're trying to... initiate...

It's an... appreciated gesture, but he can't allow himself to engage in such behavior. He would never do something so undignified as to indulge in animal desires, run all around in the woods and chase after you. What if someone sees? No, he can't.

 No, no. He corrects himself in his head. It's not about the chasing part, not about appearing undignified, it's about what comes after that... it would be wrong to... do that, wouldn't it? You're not at the same coginitive level. You're just following your instincts, but he can't take advantage of that. It's his responsibility to abstain and control himself. Right?

 Even if it sounds really really really nice. Even if he feels his heart start to beat faster.

 But as you take off again, his resistance snaps. It becomes too tempting to resist.

 He trails right behind you, matching your pace, frustration gone, replaced with an unmistakable excitement. There's no one out here. No one will see. So that makes it okay, the first part at least. No harm being done by playing like this. It feels exciting in a primal, innate sort of way, like his body moves on its own. Letting go of all inhibition.

 When he finally catches up to you, leaping on you and tackling you to the ground, you make that same squealing sound. It makes a shudder run down his spine, but after a moment he shoves himself up off the ground and takes off as well, listening to you squeal and run after him as well. After a few minutes, you leap and land on his back, just enough to topple him over too, falling into the grass, wrestling around and rolling over a few times until you're looking down at him, propped up on your hands. You whine as you lay yourself down and nuzzle your head against his neck.

 It's so warm. It's overwhelming. It's too much. You really smell nice. It's as if it intoxicates his brain to inhale. He finds himself laying staring up at the sky, heaving heavy breaths, every nerve in his body tingling, heart pumping hard and fast. You have his thigh locked between your legs, you whimper as you grind against it and he feels like his soul might leave his body just hearing and seeing you do it.

 Is this really okay? It feels wrong, somehow. The last little bit of reason and sense prods the back of his mind. No, this has to be wrong. You can't realistically consent to it, can you?

 And with the way your brains work, then if you do, then... for the rest of your lives... forever...?

 But... But you're the same sort of thing, so it's okay, right? It's nature. You need one of your own kind. You're supposed to couple together like this. You're supposed to be together for your entire lives and never want anything else. Besides, isn't that better? After all, you're simply compatible. If it were a human, they might be bothered by him and his habits and nature, they might even leave him one day, and that would destroy him psychologically in a way humans could never understand.

This way he can have someone who will be okay with the things that would bother a person -- you'll want to stay inside all throughout mating season, you'll be just as needy as him, your body will be compatible for a knot and lots of kits, you both like the same quiet environments, he doesn't have to feel embarrassed about the ways of expressing affection that come naturally to him. You won't mind if he's overbearing, you'll want to be in his presence every waking moment just like he does yours. It would be perfect.

 And you -- he can protect you. His mind flashes back to how he first found you, how you were emaciated and injured and afraid. He can make sure you're always happy and safe and never get hurt or go hungry ever again. Isn't that what's best for you, then? Is it really taking advantage of you when you're whining and grinding like this, when you're so desperate?

 He says it to himself in his head, that if the others could see me right now, doing something so unseemly... well, he can't bring himself to care what they'd think for very long. His brain is too clouded.

 Thus, he ends up giving in.

 No one will see you two as he ruts into you, still laying sideways in the grass. He still has just enough awareness left to use his hand to cover your mouth, seeing as you have no concept of volume control and cry out so loudly they may just hear all the way on the other side of the forest. No one will know, at least not for now. Maybe they'll figure it out... but he can't bring himself to care in the moment. Even if they think badly of him, well, he can just deal with that when the time comes.

 And surprisingly, even when it's over, even as the knot swells down and he slips out of you, turns you around and holds you close, he doesn't find himself feeling any regret. Maybe a bit of worry about the future and concerns about how things will work now, and perhaps maybe a bit of guilt, but... you're so warm, you fall asleep pressed up against him like that. It makes it all feel worth it.

 A quick glance around confirms that, thankfully, there is no one around -- it briefly crossed his mind that he might look up and see someone standing there watching shocked and stunned, which would be horrific, but thankfully there isn't. He knows he needs to get you back home before people notice and come looking, though, seeing as this is an area not usually patrolled and he has no real reason to be here. It's better no one knows for now. Or so he decides as he sits straight up, shakes you awake and lets you sleepily crawl up onto his back, hooking your legs through and over his arms, wrapping your arms around his neck.

 Yes... better not tell anyone or anything... try and keep it a secret. He's still not sure what people will think of him for this. But right now, he's still riding the chemical high too much to be too concerned, he feels lightheaded and warm in the best possible way. Those concerns fade away as he makes his way back. All he can think of right now is how he can't wait for winter to come around.

[salt-volk]

re "tbh pretty sure anji just lied about the whole "monthlies and customs only take 10% of my workload" bit because there is no way that is true with absolute NOTHING to show for that supposed other 90% like....." 

idk i actually do genuienly believe her (moslty bc 4-6 custom items taking an entire month or even more than 2 days for a 10yr+ professional mostly full time artist just seems impossible to me esp seeing how quickly she does shit on stream & knowing other artists myself haha. no comment on the monthlies since even if they did hold up site progress they cant just be paused as thats the sole revenue for dv so moot to talk abt as an option but id ALSO guess those dont take an entire month or even over a week, esp w how theres always small boring items included w only a few complicated each batch) but like i think was brought up before, i agree the main problem is that all that stuff is one time scheduled release but other content is nearly ALWAYS larger bundles together.

its easier + quicker to do a few art than an entire event. customs are published once their done. but general site content is made dependent on a bunch of other shit ("X item is complete but will have to sit here for month until the other 15 items are done" "Y item is finished but we have to get ahold of our barley functional coder & wait 2 mo. on writing before it can come out"). so stuff like custom queue stays chugging along doing a lil bit here & there while main site content releases are always MASSIVE drops w a bunch of shit all at once to the point that its overwhelming. 

there is plenty to show for the other 90% of time they just dont show it at the right times or in the right way bc they put all the stuff together (OR also could be all their time gose into shit that isnt easily visible like background management work or now that anjis trying to learn code to pick up slack she could be spending more time w that which has no visible site progress). fr we spend all our time waiting around for shit to drop not bc progress isnt actually getting done or bc one thing is takign up all the resources but just bc staff just does not know how to do little teasers or small events or small content resleases.

again this all comes down to management issue & site direction. probaly also a community advisor of sorts. which they lack. but could tell them "you dont have to put these items together or drop them w an update. the users do not care". or "you do not have to waste months coming up w grand vision of new event types multiple times a yr i promise you can just do the same thing & nobody will care" haha

which to be clear this is totally their fault & i dont understand the compulsion to always have to have like 85 new items come out simultaneosly as part of one update instead of just slowly drip feeding to at least help w the illusion & create more of feeling of constant content stream -_- i still dont have all the shit from those last two big updates w the stupid circlets & just gave up bc its to hard to keep track of...

oh worm they releasde new event info while iasw writing this. how much do you wanna bet some of the event content will be stuff that could have been seperated & dropped on its own but was just grouped together? even having the first custom auction w the event... that could have been its own thing tbh. released sooner since is not being held back waiting on a bunch of other shit to complete. have a feeling the mini town could have been out on its own too. lord

[shhh-no-ones-home]

table manners* bucky barnes x reader

+++++++++

this is what we like to call coming out the gate swinging  😌

You get invited to a house for a party but you cant stop thinking about bucky

* - ive had the smut for this done for a bit and i had such a hard time adding story omg. either way they do it in the bathroom lol. he also eats her out.

Song: kiss me more by doja cat ft sza

because why the heck not

tag list: @cynic-spirit +++++++++

We had been invited to one of those parties where everyone sits around a living room or kitchen and discusses brand products. Where at the end you decide if you want to buy said products for you and your family that are way over priced, but fuck it, the sales lady is so convincing. I had been to a few and this brand was one I really wanted to try so we gladly obliged, Bucky telling me to get what I wanted. How thoughtful. But sitting at the table surround by everyone but him felt almost worse. Like I should be somewhere else. I was stuck in the dinning room with all these chatty women trying to ask questions and Bucky was with my friend's husband (and all of her other friends husband's) in his man cave doing good knows what.

As opposed to the rest of the women sitting around the dining table talking and laughing, I was sat quietly flipping through the product magazine. And yeah some of it caught My eye, and I had already started a order sheet. But My thoughts weren't really on this task itself. Oh, No. My thoughts were on bucky standing in the other room. I could barely see him through both doorways, laughing and drinking a beer. The way his moth curved around the bottle... God I wish that were me. And only because of what he had whispered to me before we got out of the car. Now it's all I could think about. He had ran his thumb over the back of my hand, gripping the steering wheel as he leaned closer to me, whispering into my ear. He ended it with a harsh kiss before slipping out of the car and leaving me a little dumbfounded; like he didnt just say what he said.

thats all id been thinking about since we entered my friends home. of course i listened to the speech the woman gave, interacted, asked questions, partook in the games she had prepared. but ultimately i was thinking about bucky perched nicely between my legs. even now as the sales lady offered to finish my order. I stood up so she could sit in my chair, total my order, and give me the receipt when she was done. She was very pleasant and you could tell she loved what she did. I tried to converse with her about the stuff I was buying, paying attention to buck out of the corner of my eye as the guys lazed their way away from their own little party.

I pressed my legs together a little tighter, trying not to think about it any more. But God damn I was almost feral. Then an idea flashed through my mind to take this to the bathroom but bucky was already on his way to me. Damn I needed him. And he was taking way too long, lazing over to where I was, talking to people here and there as he did. When he finally did reach me he was all smiles, hugging me from behind and planting a soft kiss to my cheek.

"Hey baby."

He said softly, innocently, sending the other people at the table a nod and looking down at the order sheet being written on on the table.

"Hey."

I managed, trying to hide the want in my voice as I leaned back into him.

"Having fun over here? you get what you want?"

He asked and I nodded, biting my lip. It pretty much ended there.

"okay so i added these together and since you decided against doing your own party there wont be that discount. but you did get this bundle so you get this as a bonus."

He was now listening to the lady as she spoke, more so than me probably. but i was still thinking about taking him. I couldn't get the thought out of my head no matter how hard i tried and him being that close and not being able to do anything about it was driving me crazier. So I did what anyone else would do: I pushed my hips into his.

When he looked down at me suddenly I bit the inside of my cheek. But then I kept pressing against him, entangling our fingers together and squeezing once. the woman looked up at us with a smile before she stood.

"here is your receipt and im so glad to have met you tonight y/n, if you ever change your mind about a party you know where to find me."

i nodded as she moved down the table to help someone else.  i looked down at it for a moment but When his other hand flattened against my stomach I knew I would get exactly what I wanted. What I wasn't expecting was him to let go of me suddenly, standing up straight and pulling me around the table.

"Excuse us for a moment."

He said quietly and quickly, noticing my friend making her way over. but he pretty much cut her off before she could even speak dragging me down the hallway. I smiled, stifling a laugh as he led me into the bathroom. As soon as the door was closed I pushed him against it, locking it, and kissing him deeply.

"What's gotten into you?"

He croaked out as I moved to kiss down his neck, grinding myself against his leg. I moaned, feeling him getting harder against my thigh

"I need you, you cant just say that and expect me to not."

I said softly, it coming out more breathy than I intended.

"Well why didn't you say so."

He growled, spinning me around and leaning me over the sink.

"Bucky."

I whined, catching his eye through the mirror with a desperate look on my face. He just smirked at me, keeping eye contact as he kissed down my neck, pressing his hips into me.

"You gonna keep quiet for me darlin?"

He asked and I nodded quickly, feeling his hand make it's way under my dress. I bit my tongue as he slid my panties down, watching as he made quick work of undoing his belt and pushing his pants down.

"Please bucky."

I breathed out as he kicked my legs apart.

"Not a peep darlin."

He said before pushing into me and I gasped. In a second his right hand clasped down over my mouth tightly, keeping me quiet as he pulled me up into his chest and started moving in and out of me. I watched him in the mirror intently as he trailed his left hand down my body, lifting the skirt of my dress and pressing his finger into my clit. I shivered at the cool feeling, my eyes rolling back as he pushed into me harder.

"You like that?"

He growled into my ear but all I could do was nod, griping the sink tightly and making my knuckles go white. As he continued my legs began to quiver, the only thing keeping me upright was the strong grip he had on me.

"Fuck im close."

He grunted, pounding into me from behind. As we moved he took to kissing and biting along my shoulder.

"Bucky."

I moaned, muffled by his hand as I ground my hips back into him. One last push and I was cumming around him, feeling it run down my thighs as my legs gave out. He let out a soft groan before pausing, buried deep in me as came too.

"How was that princess?"

He asked through a pant, moving his hand from my mouth to my chest. I just nodded quickly as he squeezed my breast.

"Let's get you cleaned up."

I gasped as be pulled out of me, feeling his cum start to drip down my leg too. he spun me around quickly, pulling his pants up before kneeling in front of me.

"keep that pretty mouth shut for me darlin."

he instructed as he ran his hands up my thighs. i bit my lips hard as he pushed one finger into me, then another. my mouth hung open when he moved forward beginning to suck on my clit.

"Bucky."

i moaned, digging my fingers into his soft hair. he squeezed my thigh with his other hand as he lifted my leg over his shoulder. i was perched on the edge of the sink as he continued to pump his fingers in and out of me, his tongue doing figure eights across my clit.

"oh god."

i whined, him sitting back and sending me a look.

"what did i say?"

he asked, his hand stopping. i bit my lip.

"sorry."

"good."

he said, curling his fingers into me. my grip in his hair got tighter as i tried to stop the moan threatening to spill past my lips. as the feeling got more intense i threw my head back, him moving forward again and sucking at my clit. it wasn't long before my second orgasm wracked through my body, making me shake against him as he held me tightly in place. as he sat back, his fingers still in me as i came down, i panted heavily, head still against the mirror.

"you okay?"

he laughed, standing and sticking his fingers in his mouth. i sent him a look before pulling him to me and kissing him harshly.

"god i love you."

i said breathlessly against him as he rested his forehead against mine, a wicked smile on his face.

"so i guess you really did get everything you wanted tonight."

he smirked, standing upright and steadying me as i stood. i sent him a stern look before nodding.

"how bout we go home and  you give me a little more?"

i said a little snarky, making him laugh and pull me to him, his hand finding its way to firmly grip  my ass.

"how about we go home and i get what i want?"

i looked over his face, focusing on his lips.

"is that a promise?"

he let out another short laugh.

"absolutely."

[kareofbears]

A really long post about my relationship with persona 5 

On the crisp day of november 29, 2019, i bought persona 5 on sale for six dollars. It was the last one on the shelf and i had to fight a random guy for it, even though i had only ever heard of persona from a game theory video. Played it, finished it in four months, thought it was great, but i promised myself i wouldnt play royal because “alex, you just spent 150 hours on this, are you really going to do it again?” so i was like nah, i wont play it. Thats just a waste of 85 dollars CAD, especially when you compare that to the six dollars i spent initially

And then a quirky little pandemic hit the same month that persona 5 royal dropped. 

So yeah, i bought royal pretty quickly once i realized that university was going to be completely online. Finished it in 250 hours in 28 days; less than a quarter of what it took me for vanilla. 

But the pandemic was not finished in 28 days. 

Basically, just like a whole lot of people during 2020 and 2021, i was really fucking depressed and just Not Good At All. 

Theres two reasons why i stuck with p5 for so long—one was obviously the timing of it all. Being stuck at home and playing a game that is pretty much a second life because of how in depth the world building and characters are was exactly what i needed at the time. It was the best escape i could have ever asked for. Second, its just a really really good game for me. As someone who literally majors in Cognitive Science with a minor in Political Science, yeah, this game could not have been more perfect for me. Its a game that reradicalized me, that retaught me what its like to see anger as a good thing, and especially fucking everything that happened in 2020, it was literally perfect dude. I mean, ryuji, the angriest boy in the world, became my favorite fictional character, period.

Weirdly enough, the game being so flawed probably also helped me stick around in the fandom for so long. Being angry about something was almost as fun as loving something completely. Ranting about something was as fun as making loving posts about my favorite character. Pointing out flaws in the narrative gives me the same rush as praising the music to high heaven. Hating the fandom was as great as finding someone and befriending them on discord. Everything about p5 sucked me in and kept me in, whether or not it intended it. 

Persona 5 is the type of game that is so jam packed with things to talk about that theres no way youll play it and come out of it unscatched. There really is something akin to a ‘post-persona depression’, something that makes you want to keep living in this intricate world with its characters and never-ending playthrough length and its villains and billions of themes that dont make a whole lot of sense. It was easy, so fucking easy to poke fun at it, and i absolutely did. Still do. Will keep doing.

I jumped into fandom head on during that time (that time being 2020). Ive been in many many many fandoms before p5, but i jumped into this one with a fervor in a way that i never had before. I made video edits, learned to gif, lived on pinterest/tumblr/twitter/instagram/pixiv intensely, combing through each and every thing i can find related to persona 5. For months, probably over a year, persona 5 was my saving grace. My lifeline. The call a friend option when you’re in a game show. Id be nothing without it. 

I gave my whole life to it. Every video edit took at least 6-12 hours if not more. Gifs took me a week to learn how to do and im still really bad at it (like. Really bad at it. My laptop keeps crashing cause it can barely handle photoshop lmfao). Dozens of spotify playlists, watched every youtube video i could about it, had made youtube videos about it. I talked everyone’s hear off about it—rip my beta, who knows literally every intricacy about the symbolism of running and a broken leg but not knowing jack shit about yaldabaoth (shes never played/watched p5). I made so many posts, fought so many people, befriended so many people. 

And writing. Fucking hell did i write. In 2020 alone i posted over 100k—posted. Thats not counting the dozens of half written scribbles i have between google docs and Daiso notebooks (one of them being 23k—rip that Hades AU. rip that NSFW one too). I wrote blinding lights for over three months by hand, escapril in one month, one shots consistently. I had more growth as a writer in the span of a year than i had in my whole life and i thrived at it (even though i wasnt, and still not, very good, i still improved rapidly. Even i can admit that).

For awhile, this was good. Great. I was keeping afloat, mentally, and thats all i needed. 

But then my spring semester of 2021 hit. it was by far the worst semester id ever had in my entire life. 

My gpa dropped a lot, and for one the classes i was in i was doing so so horribly that i was at a cool 30% for most of the semester, and another i was at a nice 24% for most of the semester, and as someone who is asian and has asian parents with asian mentalities, it was a huge blow to me. Top that off, my best friend and beta had left for six months to go abroad and i started doing not great things. honestly, that was an All Time Low For My Mental Health. 

I had taken a break from all social media, and had heavily leaned on persona 5 even more than i was. Anytime I wasn't strapped to my textbooks I was staring at my office wall, or longingly looking outside where i wish i was (at this point, canada had almost no access to vaccines), or thinking about p5. Over and over again, even when there was nothing to think about, I thought about p5. I was at a point where i had well and truly milked everything that the p5 fandom had to offer. I felt that i had seen everything, read everything, had formed every opinion i could, and was just grasping at air. It was so wack—i would literally get fucking sick of thinking about it because everything i was thinking of, i had already thought about hundreds of times before.  

I wanted to stay in p5, i was desperate to stay in p5, because i would much rather think about something obsessively and religiously to the point where i was nauseous than think about...life. It was a combination of hating my real life and hating my “alternate reality” that is persona 5. 

Strikers came out the same day i had failed all my midterms, but i didnt know it at the time. Actually, that was a really good two weeks—i didnt know i failed my midterms since marks werent out yet, and i got two weeks of NEW persona content. Woohoo! Score for Alex four months ago. She was so happy for a while. 

Fast forward a bit. April of 2021? Absolute hell. I had completely stopped participating in p5 at this point to make room for classes, which basically took away the only thing that even remotely made me happy. Not great, besties. 

But hey, some good news: i passed all of my classes! I literally cried for half an hour in public and called my mom immediately. She cried too. 

May was good, actually. I got my first vaccine, so I could see my friends again. I worked more, got more financially stable after taking so much time off for school. Restrictions were a little more loose, so i went out more. My beta was coming home soon. Got some sunlight. It got better, but you know, depression sticks like glue and refuses to let go. But it got better. I dabbled a little into p5 again, but it was half hearted. I still loved the game, but i didnt know what coming back to the fandom would do for me. It felt like a chore to do, and i was mad at myself, almost. Why am i not enjoying p5 anymore? I love p5. 

But p5...wasnt just p5 to me anymore. Its a symbol. It was...everything, i guess. Its a game with so much baggage to me personally. It went from a game that gave me the will to live and turned into something i needed to let go in order to live. I realized, really, really sadly and really, really painfully, that i didnt need p5 anymore. And that hurt. I always knew it would hurt when id eventually leave p5 behind. 

So i processed this in the only way i knew how—writing. I said that i would write something that represents everything i was feeling, every ounce of depression and anguish and loneliness and self hatred, and id put it in one, neat little story that also works as a goodbye to my favorite game. I gave myself a time frame: one month. July 3rd. Ryuji’s birthday. 

And i did it. Its the longest fic id ever written, my magnum opus, my starry night. The rawest piece of me, in one big google doc. I had given this everything i had, because it is everything i had. 

I felt like fucking hamilton bro. I had never written so fast, and felt so free doing it. I wrote things i had always been too scared to write—a yusuke and futaba scene (yusuke in general i was terrified of writing cause i felt i could never get him right), haru being cool, ann being a little more selfish, ryuji hating himself so so so much. Emotional kissing scenes, more argument scenes, more battle sequences, a poetic ferris wheel love scene, a mystery box type of narrative, an unreliable narrative. Jokes that i thought were funny but i was worried other people might not think it was funny. Cool scene transitions, so many em dashes, so many semi colons. Ten million metaphors. 

This was it. This was going to be my goodbye to these characters who had kept my company during the worst stage of my life (thus far). It didnt matter what sort of reception i got for this fic—whether it got a thousand comments or one. A million kudos or none. It literally doesn't matter. Because this wasnt for anyone but me, processing my own problems, and the characters i wrote about. It was my swan song. It was my tribute to these kids, but they felt more than that. It was saying goodbye to, and this may sound really sad, but it was like saying goodbye to real friends that had saved my life.

And im not saying i dont love p5 anymore, no fucking way. It will always be my favorite game, because of everything it means to me. Ill probably be buried and have p5v/r in my coffin with me as i'm lowered in. but theres nothing more for me here. I cant give anyone anything anymore, whether if its for the hypothetical you or myself. I feel like the end of the lorax, where the forest is all gone and its just me, looking at an empty field of stumps and dead grass. 

Hell, this doesnt even mean that im completely done with p5. I mean, when it comes to the pc and the switch or whatever else atlus is planning on doing, im sure there’ll be a mini fandom boom which will be cool. But i want to get to the point where p6 news will drop eventually and ill think “wow! Fantastic!” instead of being relieved at finding another thing to cling to. I want to enjoy it like a normie for once. 

I'm actually enjoying lots of different content now, which i had been too scared to do before in fear of “losing my love of persona” (wow, that sounds crazy looking back on it, but i was super serious about this). Im in the middle of playing assassins creed odyssey and im going to play Nier automata next. Im almost done watching violet evergarden (ive cried at least five times in ten episodes, its so good). I finished rewatching JJK with my beta whos finally home. I discovered lots of new artists and new songs, and i'm going to a lake trip with my best friends next week, and a trip with my family in two weeks. Im going on hangouts with my coworkers, which had been impossible to do in the past because i was so scared of the idea of being with new people. And i took a break from school for the summer, because thats the healthy thing to do.

I'm doing a lot better, i promise. 

I dont know what this post is supposed to be. Telling you my mental health? No, not really. Maybe its because i wanted to give you guys a heads up that im peeling away from p5? Eh, i guess, but not that either. This isnt a cry for help, or written so that someone out there would pity me or worse, made so that this would make you want to read my fic. God fucking forbid you think i made this so i could get a handful more kudos on ao3 asoiajdasasidjao

I think this post is more of...a diary entry for my future self, and anyone who bothers reading it can go ahead and read it if theyd like. Maybe you felt the same as me at some point, and take solace in the fact that someone out there feels the same about a random jrpg?

If you actually read this, that probably means that youre probably one of the people who made being in this wasteland of a fandom really fun and worth it.  So thank you, friend. We’re probably friends by now, right? At least a buddy. Maybe a coworker? Basically, thank you, whoever ‘you’ is. Thank you for reading, thank you for being there (even if you never interacted! I still thank you!), thank you for....existing in the same space as me. 

I hope you find comfort in your life, and are healthy. I hope you get some sun. i hope you’re doing well. 

[sk1nnyblogxr]

Helloooo :) So i haven't been very active on here, but I've got my reasons.

I have been eating in a "good" caloric defecit the last weeks, and by that i mean Iv'e lost 3kg in about 2 weeks, WITHOUT starving!! 😋

It has been hard, yes. Im not gonna lie, bc sometimes i just sit and look at my food and i feel sick.

I have also been walking alot, and it feels so good. The amount of calories i have consumed has been between 900 and 1300 every day, and for me, thats really good. I even had a few pieces of candy yesterday, and i didn't gain a gram 🤷‍♀��� I feel great that Iv'e lost weight, while im still eating pretty good.

Sure i wish i would be at my goalweight right now, but then i also know i wouldn't feel this good overall. Instead id be much colder, more tired, and i wouldn't be able to see my friends eighter.

So every small step to a healthier Lifestyle is something we all should be proud of!!

And please remember that being healthy is not only based on how your body looks, it's actually mostly about how you feel on the inside.

Its healthy to be able to meet with friends and have a laugh. Its healthy to be able to go out for a long walk and feeling good in your mind and body afterwards, and not feeling sore, and not shaking bc of the loss of energy, and not feeling cold all the time. Because THATS when the happiness starts coming back. Socialise, laugh, dont think to much, and go outside for a walk because it's NICE not because you "have to".

That is what being healthy really is about. And i know that this may sound sooo hard to do, and even think about. And it is gonna be scary and hard to try to step up your calories just a little, but its OK.

Every wound takes time to heal, and so do you.

I know that far from everyone is ready to take a step towards being healthier. And i dont judge anyone, because i have just started myself, and it's hard, but i feel good more often than i feel bad. And before it was the other way around.

I know not many people read my blog, but if you read this, please reblog and let other people in on this page, because i really hope it can help people to get better.

Here are some of the tips im using to get better:

• Drink water to stay hydrated

• Step up your calories a little each/every other day. (How much is up to you, as long as you step up a little each week)

• Take your time. There are going to be bad days where you want to give up, but dont.

• Take a walk everyday. (You dont have to, but its good for your mind to get some fresh air)

• If u feel ready, face your fear food. (For me thats carbs, fat, sugar and diary)

• Keep eating healthy food like salads & greens and meat. It wont make you fat, it Will get you healthier habits.

• Take your time, and dont stress.

• Eat 3 MEALS a day (Breakfast, lunch, dinner) and add in two snacks during the day. (I usally eat an apple as a snack, or rice cakes)

• Tips to the one above: Keep a goal to finish whats on your plate, but remember its OK not to. As i said before, take your time.

• Make your food look and taste good. It will make it more fun, and will build up your image of food as being something fun again.

• To the one above: If you cook your own meals, have fun while cooking! Dance to music, sing, talk to someone over the phone. Do whatever YOU Think is fun.

• Dont be afraid to taste your food while cooking. (I have tried it and i promise, it Will NOT make you gain weight.)

• Talk to someone about your thoughts and feelings. (If you dont have anyone to talk to in person, Tumblr is full of people who would like to talk. Including me.

• Stay positive and do things that make you feel good

• Eat the food you think taste good

• Have that piece of chocolate

• Eat that cracker to your coffee

• Read stuff like this :)

Hope this helps someone. X ♡

[echoisfailing]

Robin Story Part 3

(A/N) okayy so this got a little a tiny bit of Shameless season 1? I think it was were Monica comes back and make Fiona feel like shi but on the bright side robin is actually in this part so i can only do my best (am aware i said id do no angst for right now but i also didn't expect to get into a series so) Also v sorry cuz im really bad at capturing already made characters so Robin might not be herself but shes confident around Steve but i honestly dont think she would be at school especially around someone she liked.Warning:Homophobia!!!!! 

Word count 1573 posted on 8-20-20

I take a deep breath before calling the last number I have for my parents. It rings about three times before I hear her voice. It should feel like a breath of fresh air but instead i get choked up. But i don't have that type of time so i swallow it and after her 3rd hello i say. “Mom, it urgent you and dad need to get here or you are gonna get in serious trouble and we might be taken. You know where we live the cops come on the 25th. See you before then.” I say and hang up. I didn't even let her talk who knows i may have been breaking up. She may not care. All we do now is pretend everything is okay. I decide to tell Michelle and we collectively decide to not tell Eric unless something is actually going to happen. So we go about our weekend like we do every week and on Monday we put on a false face. I walked into school straight to my locker where I saw Scarlet waiting. “Ugh, finally my weekend sucked, my mom made me go to a family reunion.” She grunted. I chuckled and opted out of telling her to make sure it didn't sound like I was trying out do her or something. We walked into first period and took our seats. And we went through all the classes normally  until I got to 5th period chemistry. As soon as the bell rings our teacher tells us we are going to be put into groups of three for our lab. She lets us decide so I obviously choose Scarlet. “Maybe we should pick her she doesn't have a group.” She says pointing at Robin. “Okay, whatever.” I sputter out what am i supposed to say no please dont because if we do then i might turn into a blushing mess out myself. “Hey come be with us.” She calls out to her. “O-okay.” she mutters and walks over with her stuff. “I’m Scarlet. This is (Y/N). What's your name?” She chimed. “I’m Robin.” She says waving her hand. “What’d you do this weekend?” Scarlet asked, she is always really outgoing. “Not much i got a couple call backs to jobs but none of them really seem that good. what about you two?” She asked. “Nothing. I had to go to a family reunion which by the way who has a reunion before summer like our annual is in July but this year was May.”  She finished her rant. “Not much just stayed home with my brother while my sister was out.” I answered. “Any job call you back?” She asked. “No i just applied at the one place, probably for the best.” We all went on talking as we did our project. She makes me super nervous, i keep on looking up at her just to see her face. Hoping that no one notices. But what i did notice is she has this blush she never has. The way she smiles at Scarlet almost makes me think she might like her. But that's impossible right I mean what's the odds of that? As we were cleaning up I heard her ask Scarlet. “Can i get your number? So we can like hang out outside of school?” Scarlet smiles and writes her name and number down on a piece of notebook paper. I was hoping she would ask for mine but she just went on like i didnt exist well no she talked to me and acknowledged me but not like she did Scarlet. When the bell rang I walked out with Scarlet and once we got half way towards her next class which i have to pass to get to mine she started chuckling. “Did you see her. She was practically drooling over me. It was hilarious.” She said still chuckling. “I didn’t notice.” I said which was kinda a lie. “One girl that was on her soccer team told me that Robin told her that she liked her. So it's not too far to think maybe. And then at the very end she asked for my number. I gave her Pizza Huts. That's so gross. Not to mention wrong.” She said making me feel like shit actual shit. “Well just in case it isn't true don't go around telling people. Don't want her to be ruined and it not be true.” I tried to reason. “Yeah, you are so right. Always my voice of reason. Bye, See you tomorrow.” She said going into her next class. God I hope I run into her before she calls. But will it help? I mean she’ll be embarrassed but will it make it worse if I tell her? Writing a note will obviously do no good because I have no balls. 6th and 7th period went by fast and just my luck i saw her headed to the band hall no doubt. “Hey Robin, I know I don’t know you like that and Scarlet will probably hate me for this. But when you asked for her number she gave you a fake one i'm so sorry.” I said then walked away really fast. When I got home there was a car in the driveway so I got off my bike and made sure Eric did too and we walked in the house, him behind me. Michelle was waiting by the door. She gave me a look saying it's them. I turned around. “Hey, remember how you said you missed momma and daddy? Well they are here but i don't know how long they are going to stay okay bud.” I told him before I opened the door he nodded but had a huge smile on his face that told me that he only heard his parents are home. Who can blame him. We walked in and mom shrieked “You are home! (Y/N) you have a call. Michelle you get more beautiful every time I see you. And my boy my baby!” I walked to the phone and rolled my eyes. She always does that always seem excited to see them but never me. I think she blames me because i was her first im what catapulted her into feeling bad for not being home. I put the phone up to my ear. “Hello?” I said. “Really you warned her are stupid? Or worse a F*****?” Scarlet shouted at me. “No, I just felt bad she didn’t deserve that even if she is you know.” I said. “Yes she does because it is an abomination. Its wrong and how dare she try to get my number?” She growled. “I disagree. Even if it is an abomination you are supposed to love everyone and being hateful because of one thing is also such.” I argued. “Oh my god, you are ruined. You have a crush on her! Have you ever had a crush on me. No dont answer and in fact dont ever talk to me again l*z*y.” She shouted, hanging up. Well this day couldnt get any better. “So as soon as this is over and you turn 18 you are out. You know that right?” My dad said. “Uh no? I didn’t can i get a reason?” I asked bewildered. “You called the cops on us and tried to get your siblings put into foster care did you seriously think we wouldn't know it was you. You have been ungrateful from the second you could understand things!” He shouted at me. “Do you seriously think i would do anything to put those kids out? Seriously. I raised them! You wanna kick me out fine but just remember who raised your kids. You realize I'm also your child right? You were supposed to love and protect me instead you left me all alone at 12 with kids to raise.” I calmly said, trying to remain calm. “Even if you didn’t, which I highly doubt, you still don't deserve the roof I give you, the food i pay for, or the clothes on your back which I so graciously allow you to have.” He said almost threateningly. “So what you put me out and then it’ll be Michelle whats gonna happen when you have no one to watch poor Eric?” I said mocking him a little. “When me and your mom leave again on the 1st we are taking Eric with us.” He informed. “No you can’t do….” I started. “No you cant tell me what to do with my son.” he interrupted. “Like hell i can't. He knows me! He trust me! He misses you two because you come with false promises and then it ruins him when you leave again! And you cant take him because hes going to a science camp. Which he got into for free all by himself by winning 2nd place in his science fair and if he cant go it will hurt him.” I stated. “Well then we will just pick him up after camp on July 1st like we were gonna do.” He said with a sickly sweet smile on his face. “2 things. No you wont and thats also not what you said.” I snarkily replied. “Jesus Christ get out i dont want to see your face until 11. Now Get!” He yelled. So I left I got on my bike and headed to the mall.     

[is-that-another-soulmate-au]

Korrasami/Wuko/OC insert soulmate Au part 3?

@mypureessence 😌 it is finished

I really am trying not to have my OC overrun this but writing her out is a bit of self indulgent therapy for myself so I got carried away

Korra managed to convince Tenzin to let Asami stay at air temple island the night after the gala and Lin didnt let Lee out of her sight, still not convinced she could defend herself. Which royally pissed Lee off.

On air temple island Korra and Asami were clearing the table after breakfast when a knock came at the door. Asami huffed "I'll go get it, its probably my dad collecting me, he's weird about that" however behind the door was in fact not her dad, but Lin and Lee. "Chief Beifong, what a... pleasant surprise"

"Trust me, its not pleasant or surprising,"

"Hey!" Lin gave a scolding look to Lee who only grinned cheekily

"We just stopped by to see if you and Korra wanted to help me take some material from my warehouse out of the city and bring it... into the city"

"Id love to but I have meetings to go to with my dad today so I can't"

"I can!" Bolin called from behind the pair who turned to see him with Pabu on his shoulder "I'd love to see that warehouse of yours and help bring some explosives"

"Asami! Are you alright?" Korra called while walking up behind her "oh... Beifong" ah a nice grumpy glare"

"Korra" Lin responded

"Hi, I'm also here. Name's Lee... you might know me... yeah, just wanted to ask you to join me to my warehouse and help me bring stuff into the city"

"Oh.. uh.. sure, I can help"

"Great, lets hurry, we have to get a group training with Lee by noon today" and with that they loaded up in a truck with Lee driving and Lin holding onto the honorary oh shit handle that she had installed because, well.. 'oh shit this person drives like a lunatic'

Soon enough they pulled up to the warehouse and Lee grinned ear to ear "there she is, home sweet home"

"You.. live in your warehouse?" Bolin asked with a raised pitch of confusion in his voice while they walked towards the big building.

"What? No, the warehouse and storage vaults are connected to my house" Lee gave a laugh as she threw open the doors and went to take a step in, however when she took that first step she tugged at a wire and heard a click. Her eyes went wide at the realization. She had set off a three second tops explosion. She had now two seconds to fix this. Using second number two she lifted her hands and pushed Lin to the right while pushing Bolin and Korra to the left all the while screaming "get down"

"Hey!" Was all Lee managed to hear from Lin when she lit the blue flames in her hands and brought them infront of her just in time to block and deflect most of the explosion. The force sent her flying back ast a pair of trees and into the dirt behind it with a loud scream.

Hitting the ground she felt the air knock out of her. But heard the trio she came with running to her. The air managed to find its way back into her and she sprung to her feet "stay down! Someone broke in" she darted into the warehouse, but not without snatching the pair of cuffs off of Lin's hip, and lit a blue flame in her hand finding a man about to throw another bomb, though she was more prepared this time and made a spin kick to send it right back to him covering him in stinky sap. "Wrong bomb my good sir" she said and cuffed his hands together.

Tossing him out she told Lin to toss him in the back of the car with Bolin to watch him. "Lee, how did you not get hurt from that blast?" Korra asked with a very clearly confused look "and what was that blue glow?

"Oh, right, I forgot everyone assumed I was a nonbender, I'm a fireb-"

"Lee that was incredibly dangerous! What if you got hurt!"

"Shush Lin, I'm fine, I used my fire to deflect it, like I was trying to tell Korra, Im a firebender, I can deflect most explosions, and I use my warehouse to experiment and practice with bombs and the like... though, I do think I may have a few scrapes and bruises from that one, I wasn't as prepared and I didn't know what the timer was set to. I got lucky with a guess. Three seconds"

"Exactly! You. Got. Lucky. Dont do that again without telling me!"

"Lin if I didnt push you aside and control the blast we all would have been take out by it!" Lee jabbed a finger at Lin's chest "even if I did jump out of the way we would have been taken out. My deflecting doesn't just lessen the blow, it controls the blow and how much damage it causes!"

"Well, take a look at your warehouse! Not much danage control there huh?"

"Actually, there is! The entire building would barely be standing if I didnt deflect it! I'm not a helpless little mouse!"

"I know youre not but that was still very dangerous and stupid!"

"Lin. Just. Shut up, I did what I could in three seconds, help me open the vaults and get my materials or just leave and I'll clean up so I can stay" Lee turned back to her warehouse with a huff, the soot covered doors fell off their hinges as she walked in to search for anything outside the vaults that was salvageable.

Korra turned to Bolin and then the Lin "I've never seen anyone talk back to you like that before, Ive never even seen Lee mad before"

Bolin let out a wince at the memory of the small woman looking ready to kill Lin at a seconds notice "yeah, I think you struck a nerve"

Lin however had her arms crossed "what she did was incredibly dangerous"

"What she did saved all of out tails including hers, shes the explosives expert here, she knows what she's talking about"

They all turned their heads quick when they heard banging around on the othwr end of the warehouse paired with Lin yelling some obscenities. Making their way through the debri from the explosion they found Lee using a wrench half her size to hit at a vault valve handle "open up you stupid piece of metal! The explosion is over!" And with one last swing the valve spun and a loud click was hear "finally!"

It didn't take long to load up the different compounds and her personal belongings, given that she kept very little materials at a time and she didn't really have much in the way of material items. Sitting in the passenger seat with Korra and Bolin in the back on either side of the guy they caught, Lee snickered when she noticed the two covering their noses "hah, yeah, stinky sap, great when you want to get a hold on your opponent without hurting them but also want to make them hate their existence the entire time."

"This is the lamest type of bomb I've hear of" Bolin pouted

"I'll say" Korra agreed.

Once they were back in the city, Lin handed the guy off to her men before bringing the explosives materials to a secure storage facility and her belongings to Lin's apartment. By 30 til noon everything was done and Korra left with Bolin to head back to Air Temple Island.

"So.. uhm," Lin started "I wanted to apologize for how I reacted at your warehouse"

"Dont worry, I get it all the time, they see little ole me with my white hair, blue eyes and scars galore and think 'no way she's a bender!' Or 'no way she can defend herself' but Ive had my own back since I was 6" Lee shrugged "Im sorry for yelling at you... I normally don't flip out... its just different with you I guess"

"Yeah, dont mention it, we have to get to the station to set up the explosives division" and with that they were off.

Meanwhile on Air Temple Island Korra and Bolin were explaing what happened at the warehouse to a very disbelieving Asami and Tenzin.

"And she has blue fire!" Korra exclaimed with her hands in the air

"Blue fire? Now thats just ridiculous, the only person known to have blue fire was princess Azula and she was a prodigy" Tenzin argued

"Yeah, well, she used the fire to block the explosion, maybe she only focuses on heat deflection?" Bolin offered

Tenzin groaned "no matter how you try to spin it I'll have to see it to believe it, I mean come on, she doesn't have any feature a firebender normally has, most firebenders have gold, red, or brown eyes"

"Okay, look Korra, I belive you, but I really don't want to be talking about her without her here okay?" Asami said with a smile and took hold of Korra's hand "besides, you promised me you'd take me for a ride on Naga last night" Asami gave a small pout and Korra caved

"Fiiiine, but you should have been there, she yelled at Lin and Lin just took it"

"Woah, hold on, she did what? And she's still here to tell the tale?" Tenzin looked in disbelief "okay. Now I know your full of it, go have fun with Naga goodness, the things kids will make up these days" Tenzin huffed while walking back to where Pema and the kids were

The trio laughed while making their way to Naga, "youre serious aren't you? She has blue fire and yelled at Lin?"

"Yeah, I wouldn't believe it either but I saw it go down, Bolin and I both did

"Yeah, it was amazing, but. Hey, Korra, training tomorrow morning dont forget" Bolin made finger guns at Korra with a wink

"Yeah, will do, see you then Bolin" and with that Bolin made his way back to the arena while Korra and Asami rode around on Naga with and eventually settled down to have a picnic in the park.

Back at the station Lee managed to get into her uniform and was about to step into the room with her trainees. "Before we step in, whats my title? Officer Fox? Or?"

"Captain, you're leading the department so you have the title of Captain Fox" Lin said matter of factly "carry yourself like your leading an army into battle, you need to trust them and have them trust you. It won't be easy"

"You can say that twice" Lee rolled her eyes but Lin smirked

"It won't be easy"

"Oh my gods, shush it Lin" with a laugh she opened the door and schooled her expression while entering.

"Good afternoon officers" Lin started "as you know you're starting training to make up the new explosives division lead by Captain Fox. She will train each of you in the skills necessary. I'll let her take it from here"

Before Lee could speak an officer stifled laughter "I'm sorry Chief, I mean no disrespect, but do you really expect us to believe that little mousey here can teach us anything on explosives?"

Lin went to reprimand the officer but Lee held her hand up "no, Ive got this hun." She held her left hand behind her back and her right at her side when she walked taking a look at his badge she smiled when she read it "officer Tahn" looking up she smiled but had an irritated look in her eyes "it would serve you well not to underestimate little mousey. I've trained myself since I was seven to be a capable hand to hand fighter and bender. Not many have the ability with fire that I do, but most dont try to." She shifted her foot and created sparks "some have enough control to set a target" Taking a step closer to him he took a step back "i doubt you'd like to know if I can do that" she took the advantage of him being off balance to use a quick kick at his ankles to send him to the ground "and I would bet you'd like to know how to deflect and control blasts to lessen damage all around right?" She leaned down to him with a smirk

Tahn cleared his throat and gave a nod "yes ma'am"

"Good. Now, you'll notice I have you paired up in groups of two, one of you on each group is a firebender and the other is either a water, earth, or non bender. Both of you play an important role in bomb locating, identifying, diffusing, and deflecting." She walked along the middle flit of the ten groups. "While training with me I will teach you how to hear smell and feel the start of an explosion up to five seconds before it goes off. While with me I will teach you firebenders how to create blue fire to deflect and control the blast. And while with me everyone will learn how to dismantle a bomb thats been located and identified." Stopping at the end she turned to face the rooom of people staring at her "am I clear?"

When she received nothing but 'yes captain' in response she turned her focus to Lin who had what looked to be a proud smile, it was small, but if was there. "Alright, now, today I'll be demonstrating deflection five times in this room, you will all be outside to watch me. Chief Beifong will hold the remote and I will deflect minor explosions." She made her way to the front and helped Tahn up to his feet "Tomorrow and all of next week I will demonstrate and teach you how to create blue fire, am I understood?"

After they all cleared the room Lee shut off the lights in the room, taking her spot in the center while she waited for any signal. A nearly inaudible click sounded and she lit a small blue flame in each hand before bringing them together to deflect the explosion, the blue flames surrounded the explosion before taking it out and diminishing it to a meal singe on the ground. Extinguishing her flames she picked up on a the smell of rotten meat quickening lighting another flame and spinning on her heel she made a quick stance in time to stop the second explosion. The third she saw a small spark on the ceiling and deflected it with much more ease. The fourth and fifth were both clicks at the same time.

Once she finished deflecting the last two Lin swung the door open and clicked on the light. "So, any questions for today?" Lee asked while brushing a bit of dust off of her shoulder.

"Uh, yeah, how did nothing get destroyed? And how was this approved?" Tahn asked

"Simple answer for the first question, the heat from my fire is hotter than most explosions therefore it has the capability of extinguishing it when concentrated enough. As for the second question, ask your chief, I may be her soulmate but I do not speak for her, nor does she speak for me." Lee smiled "now, given that I had deflected a bigger explosion earlier today, I dont exactly have much energy left, so I'll leave you to your devices for the rest of the day."

"Can... can we try to deflect an explosion?" Tahn asked excitedly

"No." Lee said while fixing her posture "until you manage to create blue fire it is too dangerous for any of you to attempt what I did just now." Lee offered him a smile "I dont want you to get hurt because I didn't train you enough"

Tahn nodded "yes Captain"

"Thank you, now, Cheif Beifong will take over, I need to see a healer, my wrist got hurt on that last one" as she walked past Lin she bumped hips and whispered a "thank you" before heading out.

Back to the park Asami was ecstaticly explaining how the Satomobile worked to Korra who listened intently with a grin on her lips "wow, so, they use... what to power them?"

"Well the different models are powered by different things, some models are run by fire power and some by water power, but most are run by a little thing called Gasoline, its a liquid so Im sure you could bend it out of a car so it wouldn't even start up. But It helps run the motor" and Asami went on yet another rant about the mechanics involved with Korra watching with a bright smile. If this was who the universe chose for her then she was more than happy to accept.

[reeree1500]

The Return- Part 2

Okay y'all so here is part 2 of the Return Series. In this one I decided to give you guys a little of what is going through Bjorn’s head upon meeting (y/n) for the first time in 6 years. And a little side of him that we don't really get to see very often. Ivar s introduced, but nothing really happens yet. Hope you guys like itttt :) Lemme know if y'all wanna be tagged too:)

Part 1 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 part 8 part 9 Part 10 

Taglist : @yanii-the-hippie @oceans-daughter-3 @peaceisadirtyword @laketaj24

Disclaimer: My sucky ass writing; and thank God for my mutuals without y'all Id be going nuts right now. Especially @yanii-the-hippie :)

Bjorn POV

I can't find the words to describe how I'm feeling in this moment. My sister who I've thought was dead for the last 6 years is actually alive... Looking at her stunned face that most probably mirrors mine, I can’t help, but be a pile of different emotions that I cant grasp onto, all except one. 

Disappointment in myself. Not only because I wasn't there for her when she needed me, but because I missed all the signs of whatever she had been going through. For years I’ve thought about what it would be like to see her again and asked myself what if she had never left? What could have become of us and our family? What could I have done differently...

 I reach down to help her up and all I can do is look into her eyes, looking for some sign that this is just Loki playing around with me. “(Y/N), It really is you.” In a matter of milliseconds, I pull her towards my chest and hug her as if she would disappear again if I let go. “I’ve missed you so much... My whole world came crashing down when you left. It was like losing apart of myself all over again. Just like when Gyda died.” I managed to murmur against her ear through the tears that were threatening to spill.

A muffled I’m sorry comes out from her lips. Thats when I realize that we’re both crying in the middle of the street and people are starting to form a crowd around us. “Let’s go to my cabin, you have a lot of explaining to do (y/n) Lothbrok.” Grasping both (y/n) and her friends hands, I push past the people in the marketplace making my way through the crowds gathering for the feast later tonight. “You know sister, you’ve always had impeccable timing for things. However, coming back from the dead 6 years after we had all thought you were gone, is some next level shit.” (I’ve never been a person to take things really seriously, so I always find myself trying make a joke of things as my coping mechanism. Sometimes I’ll just say things in the worst moments because I cant handle it. This would certainly be one of those times.) 

“To be honest with you Bjorn, Im not sure if I did the right thing by coming back...” (Y/N) whispers as we reach the cabin steps. At that moment something came over me and I snapped. But before I got the chance to yell at her, I pushed them both inside and shut the door behind me. With my head against the door and my back turned to them both I couldn't contain my anger any longer. “Why would you say that (Y/N), don't you know the hurt and anger that not only mother and father suffered, but that I did too when you left!” “You didn't have to leave! You had me! Im your brother, for Odin’s sake. My job was to protect you!” at this point I could careless if she saw me cry. Too much had happened in my life, and with (y/n) I could always be myself and let go. Sure I tortured her when we were little, but at the end of the day she's still the only sister I have left, and most of all my rock. 

“Bjorn, I never meant to hurt any of you. But, I was in danger. And before you interrupt me and say that you could've protected me. You couldn't have. This was bigger than you and father.” she said whilst wrapping her arms around my torso. Once we both calm down and I properly introduce myself to her friend Mira, (y/n) holds my head in both hands and looks into my eyes. “I came to find answers brother, and I promise you that this time no one will separate us or our family. In that, you have my word.” 

“Now let me tell you what truly happened that night 6 years ago...”

-------------------------------

Your POV

After telling Bjorn all that occurred that night and seeing him breakdown in front of me multiple times, I knew that whatever this secret was, it wasn't hurting only me, but those I cared about the most. Bjorn had told me that things had changed drastically after I left. Especially with mother and father. Our once happy family that lived on that beautiful farm, was now separated. I had to figure things out, not only will I stay to find the truth about what happened that night, but I will get my family back together.

-------------------------------

As the sun went down, the laughter and joyous screams of the people got louder. Through the windows in my brothers cabin I could see a crowd gathering outside the great hall. From what Bjorn told me, father was king of Kattegat and he had been even before I was born, making me a princess here too. I told Bjorn where I had gone to, and how I stayed with Uncle Rollo for the last couple of years. In Frankia, I’m a princess because Uncle Rollo deemed it so. He and Gisela have yet to produce an heir, so my uncle decided to name me as his heir till he was able to produce one, which then in turn I will hand over my title, but still keep some of the land. 

“The feast is just about to start and as prince and hopefully next in line to the throne, I have to make an appearance.” Bjorn says as he sits down by the table drinking some ale. “Bjorn, you're the only male heir to our family, of course you’ll be next in line.” I say as I chug back some of it back. “Well (y/n), you see...” Before he could finish his sentence the sound of a horn caught our attention. “What’s the horn for?” Mira asks from where she sits next to the fireplace. “Its to let the people of Kattegat know that tonight we feast and tomorrow were off to raid.” Bjorn says while getting up from his seat. “Its also an indication that we all need to be there. Now.” 

“Bjorn, Im not even properly dressed for a feast for God’s sake.” I tell him frantically, but in reality I just don't feel like I can face my father after all this time. “(Y/n), I’m your brother. I know that you're just scared, of what will happen. But you're here to find the truth, and I will help you every step of the way, but you have to find the courage to face this. Okay?” Bjorn says while grasping both of my hands in his. “That still doesn't solve the issue that we both don't have anything to wear for the feast. My lord.” Mira murmurs from beside me. “Mira, Bjorn is fine, Im not really into formalities. And as for the dresses here I have some. Don't ask I’ll explain later.”

------------------------------------

“Now Bjorn, Im not gonna ask you now why you have these dresses laying around in your home, but I will later.” I say as we make our way through the crowds and into a small space in the corner of the great hall. “You know sister, one thing I haven't missed about you is your sassiness and how annoying you could be.” Bjorn says as I roll my eyes at him. “You're just mad you're little friend Mira couldn't be here, cuz she said they were ‘too revealing’, whatever that means.” Its true, Mira had felt uncomfortable to be surrounded by men whilst wearing that thin piece of cloth that is considered a dress here. Christians are more conservative, I on the other hand don't mind wearing the dresses as I grew up around the culture here so to me they don't seem too revealing. 

“You cant blame the girl, she's Christian.” I whisper back to him. “So are you and you don't have a problem.” “Because brother, Im a viking too.” at that Bjorn scoffs. Before Im able to say something to him a loud echo can be heard in the great hall. Bjorn moves us a little closer so we are able to see what's happening, but without being noticed. Through the doors  appear 4 young men. You can tell that these men must be of some importance as the room goes silent. In turn a lady with kohl around her eyes comes next and sits on the one of the chairs in the middle. The people in the hall resume their drinking and games. It is then when I notice my dear brother walking away from me and towards the 4 young men. “Bjorn, what are you doing, you idiot!” I say to him whilst trying to get to where he is.

“Its okay, just come here. I have some people you should meet.” he says all but too casually. “Bjorn, no. You know what Im leaving.” As I turn to leave Bjorn’s hand shoot out to grasp onto mine and pull me towards the table with the young men. “Well if it isn't Bjorn Ironside. To what do we owe this unpleasant surprise.” the young and dark haired one says. “Its really unpleasant to see you too Ivar.” In this moment I notice a darkness wash over this mans face, expecting him to stand up and throw something I take a step back and thats when I noticed the metal that has his leg. This man is a cripple. But, something tells me that he is someone to look out for. Whether it be out of fear or intrigue I do not know. 

“Now, now Ivar calm yourself. Bjorn obviously has some company and it would be rude to not introduce ourselves.” This one seems to be very confident in himself. If it weren't for the chicken in his hand I might've actually thought that he was cute. “Im Hvitserk, pleasure to meet you....” “(y/n), it’s a pleasure to meet you as well.” 

“I never pegged you for one to like Christian girls Bjorn?” says Hvitserk. “ Hn... whatever.” As Bjorn continues his conversation with Hvitserk, I introduce myself to Ubbe, who looks really similar to Bjorn in some ways. And Sigurd, he seems shy. As soon as he said hello, just as quick he got up and left. I guess he's not one to party. As I find myself in conversation with Ubbe, I cant seem to shake the feeling that Im being stared at. And Im right, Ivar who seems to be the youngest of them all, keeps staring at me. Theres no emotion in his face, so it feels as if he is studying my every move. “So, Bjorn how was the Mediterranean?” the woman to the right of Ubbe says. “It was fine. No need to pretend you actually care.” Bjorn says whilst glaring holes through her. 

“Bjorn!! Don't be rude, she's just asking you a question.” I say glaring back at him. “If you knew who she was, you wouldn't be so quick to defend her (y/n).” And with that Bjorn gets up and just as Im about to take a bite from the freshly baked bread he grabs my arm and rushes me across the room. In the midst of telling Bjorn off for his rude behaviour. The room goes quiet. We both turn to see what the cause of the stillness was. And there he was. My father, Ragnar Lothbrok, entering the room with what seemed to be two friends or allies of his. I turn my gaze to the ground as to not make eye contact. But as God would have it, the first person he sees would be my brother. 

“Well, it seems my son has returned.” at that the room bursts with loud chanting appreciating that Bjorn has come home safe. “And with whom might I ask.” In that moment I felt as if I could not breathe, and I couldn't haven't been more grateful to the fact that my brother was with me. Bjorn leaned down and whispered. “All will be alright, Im here for you. I always have been and I always will be. No matter what.” 

In that moment, staring into the reassuring eyes of my brother. I turn to face the man who had been my strength and biggest support throughout my life. The jug of ale in my fathers hand drops. At that, the room stills. And it feels as if all eyes are now on us. His name comes out from my lips in a barely audible tone. “Papa...” at that the tears we were both holding fall down our faces. My father rushes from the other side of the room to where I’m standing and embraces me. “How is this possible, you were taken from me. I thought I lost you like I did your sister.” My father pulls back from the embrace to study my face just like Bjorn had. “Bjorn, tell me this isn't a dream, that she's really come back to us.” “ it's not a dream father, she's really back.” 

My father wipes my tears away and pulls me to the centre of the room. “People of Kattegat, 6 years ago, I lost my youngest child. But, now by the grace of Odin and Freyja, she has been brought back to me. Tonight we not only celebrate the start of Spring and our raids. But, the fact that my children have been brought back to me safe! Skal!” at that everyone’s horns are raised. 

In this moment my eyes lock with Ivar’s and in that instant I knew that the road ahead would be long. It would hold many obstacles, but somehow I had a feeling he would make them go away....

[faunusrights]

OFFAL HUNT REMASTERED LIVEBLOG // CHAPTER 15

IN THIS EPISODE OF MURPHY LOSES THEIR SHIT ON MAIN:

“Tell her I said: fuck you, you miserable, conniving bitch. I don’t answer her summons. I don’t obey her orders. I’m through. I’m through with her, with all of you—”

THERE’S LORE, BUT IMPORTANTLY MURPHY REMEMBERS WHY THEY THINK CINDER’S HOT. LITERALLY.

already??? already??? yes, already. this chapter is called ‘nothing personal’ anmd i think that this is a lie. this is abt to get very personal very quickly.

It had taken two more days for Glynda’s soul to become bearable enough for Cinder to sit next to her on a bus.

out of the funniest lines they could have used to open the chapter up, this is just Peak. there’s so many moving parts to this. glynda’s rank soul. cinder having to be nice for TWO DAYS to make her chill out. the fact they’re taking the most menial form of transport of all time. oh my god they were sat beside each other. this is already so funny.

Gravity Dust glittered like volcanic glass.

👈😎👈 we sure love volcanoes around here huh

The clearing Cinder found was some twenty minutes from where she left Glynda with instructions for something salty for her.

im almost POSITIVE im not supposed to find these lines funny but cinder you are RADIATING salt you are COMPOSED ENTIRELY of salt please. you’ve asked for smthng salty and glynda’s gonna come back announcing she’s foiled all yr plans on accident again.

Mercury had stopped sending messages a month and a half ago. Emerald’s last one was a week old.

im almost definitely mentioned it in a prior liveblog but its worth remembering: cinder’s relationship w/ merc and em rly was the deciding factor in me suddenly loving her as a character and i just. every interaction they have hurts so good. cinders got TWO kids and even if her face says otherwise she loves them very much and that heals me on the inside

“There’s no way anyone knows about this island. We’re the only ones out here. Merc and I have to get his shitty frozen pizzas airshipped in.”

“Still. Be careful.” She paused for a moment. “...Is that all he’s eating?”

“You know he’d die before he ate a vegetable.”

“He will, at this rate.”

I LOVE U MOMMA CINDER AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA this is SO good. this section HEALS ME!!!!!!!! which is good because i have a feeling the rest of this will gore me alive

"I promise. At the end of all of this, I'm coming back and I'm not leaving again. Trust me."

aaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAA god u cant tell thru text alone but this section is K I L L I N G me and H E A L I N G me and also KIL L I

“It doesn’t have anything to do with trust,” Cinder said, miserably. “I need you to be safe.”

N G M E

The line between us and them had felt so concrete.

god i just. theres so much i still cant say that isnt 👈👈👈😨👈👈👈 but cinder and hati and all this other STUFF happening in the bg is so good and i just love how nuanced this dumbass is. cinder fall, the woman who never wins, and her brief moments of comfort. she is my ANGEEEEEEEEEEL

Now the only thing left was to deliver her to Atlas; if she had to speak with her more to do that, she would.

Not that she wanted to have to admit that to Hati.

cinder:there’s a lot of we and our going on and i’m a little nervous that the more we talk the more thats gonna happen and i gotta say; not a fan.

and [Glynda]’s desperate for—”

A heritage? A purpose? Belonging?

“She’s desperate,” Cinder finished, softly. Then: “She’s coming willingly.”

this might be another 👈😎👈 situation or im just drawing parallels like a three year old with a newfound ruler but HRM. CINDER. HRM.

Rather, her stomach twisted at the implications. Everything was ready. The machine worked. All that was left was to deliver the final piece.

“Okay. Good.” It was good. It was the culmination of years of work.

whats good and fun is watching cinder wrestle w/ her own humanity and its rly good because even as she tries her very best to use ppl to her own ends that pesky lil soft bitch inside makes her second guess everything and its GREAT fun. u can rly see that as soon as she spends longer than an allotted 10 minutes w/ somebody she starts being like ‘hrm. oh no’. oh cinder. u soft bitch. ilu.

The spot beneath his wing, though… Cinder folded into it as though it were meant for her, as though they were meant for each other, bodies fitted so easily. Here, safe, she closed her eyes and dreamed bleakly of the days to come.

i swear to god i cannot wait until [redacted] and [redacted] and [REDACTED] happens cause then i can lose my shit abt this ALL OVER AGAIN but for now. for now. immerse myself in cinder cuddles. im holding back but on the inside im feral

but Cinder was all calm, sliding through the trees like she belonged here. Like it was her domain by birthright.

FERAL.... FERAL!!!!!!!!!!!!

Because they were not friends, Glynda asked, “Where are we going?”

i love that glynda has to preface it like a reminder. because they were not friends. because she cannot trust winter. because she blocked oz’s number lmao. it’s great seeing how much more... clinical, i guess, glynda’s thoughts are, and it’s a great way to show the narratives differences? its GOOD is what im trying 2 say on main,

Instead, she complained, “It’s so difficult to be so wanted.”

firstly: i love cinder “i have a complaint” fall is secondly: i am going to read into this. i am going to read into this and divine a second meaning. i am reading into it.

Cinder emerged from the dark like a leviathan sloughing off a sunless sea. It rippled around her shoulders, swallowed the back of her skull, but the only sharpness to her was her smile. It was the first time Cinder had smiled since returning from her meeting with the Manticore.

oho. ohoohohohoooohohohooOUGHHOHOHO she hot. nasty mean lady big hott.

“You don’t scare me,” Glynda insisted.

“Silly you,” said Cinder. “Come on. I’ll lead.”

hohogughgohohoghgh f flirtign.......................,,,,,,,,,.,.,.,.,.,.,.

a faint light was stirring to life before her—suffusing out along Cinder’s chest and throat, spilling from her heart and out through her skin. In the beginning, it was so faint it seemed to be an illusion; but no, soon enough it was undeniable, and Glynda could even make out the rough shapes of the wall and floor.

YEEEEEEEEES i love. glowy lantern cinder. like theres a lot of fun little canons abt cinder in this fic i adore but the fact that she glows is like fuckin TOP. look at her. lil candle baby. shes like a microwave bean toy. i adore her.

She walked like a queen through her domain, seemingly irrespective of where on Remnant they were; even here, underground, in forgotten left-behind places, Cinder reigned.

god im sorry im too busy being gay to even be paying attention to anything rn i LOVE cinder to DEATH,,,,,,,,,, she knows shes the thing 2 be feared around here and its so good. i cant wait for her to open her big mouth and fuck it up again!!!

“High Leader Khan requires your presence in Mistral, Ms. Fall. She advises that you attend promptly, in order to discuss the missing members of our organization.”

A hum. Cinder said, “I don’t want to.”

GHSDFGSDFGHKJDF cinder you are. smthng else. shes just so LIKE THAT. what a great chapter for cinder this has been im SIPPIN baby

okay im doing a lot of leaping haead here and its not for lack of having anything 2 say in fact its QUITE the opposite because this whole bit is. wow. we got lore??? lore??? abt so many things??? what does any of it mean????? I AM NOT SURE BUT IM LOVIN IT (tm)

“It’s not a Semblance, idiot.” The control in Cinder’s voice was all staccato, pitching cold to inferno in an instant. “It was a gift.

okay bear with me for this JUICY LORE but i am Deeply fascinated by this section. im not gonna. say anything because idk how this is tying up yet (bear with) but HOO. HOOOOOOO. im trying to like keep grabbing sections but this whole part is SO GOOD i am loving-- like-- id have to-- TRUST ME THE OG WASNT AS SPICY AS THIS OKAY

THIS IS SO MUCH SPICER AND ITS GOOD

Cinder glowed like the magma heart of a volcano.

ITS SPICY ITS GOOD ITS 👈😍👈

im gonna have to reread this bit to get the full effect because the downside of a liveblog like this is having to stop-start but OUGHGHGHGUGHUGH THE LORE,,, THE MASKS,,, THE FANG??? also sienna dont listen 2 her baby i love u too

Cinder looked like a line to be crossed, and even though they weren’t friends—rather the opposite—Glynda found she didn’t want to cross her. Not now, when the emotion was still raw on her face.

oughgh... the vulnerability. cinder... snoft... but also angery 😔

this was SUCH a good chapter im DYING i love cinder in offal hunt to BITS and this arc is already feeding me so much good shit. fuck yea. FUCK YEA. HELL YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA--

[bladekindeyewear]

Boots Reads Homestuck Epilogue(s) Part 10 - Candy Part 1 again

I was told that finishing the epilogue MAY make me feel better by some with opinions, with some vague hints that the ridiculous start of Candy may have underlying reasons, so now that I’m awake again (though my stomach is roiling a bit again) I’m gonna take another crack at it.

Alright, so I was also hinted that this Candy part ends with a different cliffhanger, so maybe those two will cancel out?  That’s my hope anyway.

Reading page 1 again since I didn’t finish the very tail end of it... alright, so WHY IS ROXY CRYING again????  Was she just PRETENDING that she didn’t know it might turn out bad for John if he went at the end of the last one?  Was there some weird mind-rewriting going on?  Is the crying a symptom of this whole thing potentially being an our!Callie fanfic and she knows what’s being dodged??  Don’t know.

Alright, let’s have him save Gamzee and... is Vriska going to get saved in this version?  Or is that descent into the black hole without seeing what happens her well-deserved comeuppance while only the ghost version of Vriska truly figured out how to be happy?

==>

Dirk acknowledges him when he zaps back, but it’s YOUNG Dirk so hopefully there isn’t any stupid Meat stuff going on.

...Yeah, Gamzee immediately being repentant is weird as shit.  Maybe he Chucklevoodoo’d Callie into escaping him into this whole candied mess so he could start shit, I dunno.  That or this isn’t really Gamzee or someone’s manipulating him or etc etc etc.  The hint I got earlier was that if I thought Calliope wanting to bring Gamzee back and everyone just rolling with it was a little out of character, there are “reasons”, so I’m just going through all of this under the assumption that some emotion-manipulating weirdness is going on regardless.

Oh shit, Gamzee’s going to start recounting his character reasons for doing bad stuff in a surface-hope of justification and understanding.  All the characters immediately recognize how painfully groanworthy this is going to be.

GAMZEE: AnD sUcH iS wHy I’m GrAbBiNg HoLd Of My RePeNtAnCe As FiRm AnD sErIoUs As I wOuLd A wHoRe’S tItTy!

Yeah, that really encapsulates how “serious” all of this is.  And of course, John’s not having any of it.

Yeah, Terezi wouldn’t have any of it either, remotely.

Something feels different, but he can’t put his finger on it.

Hm.  The aforementioned manipulation-weirdness?

==>

Okay, so it’s kind of Dirk who notices something different and is cancelling his stupid villain plans, got it.

Volatility of causality, huh?

(I’m going to be going through these parts a little faster than the Meat section, unsurprisingly.)

==>

Okay, Rose and Kanaya, are we gonna cure her substance abuse or--

With all the distance between them lately,

God damnit, have Dirk’s manipulations extended that far OFFSCREEN or is this legitimate character distancing???? Because either is BAD.  >:(

Right, now that the plot and “relevance” has been sidelined over to a different timeline, Rose can now breathe easy free of her condition.  And whichever parts of her condition were, perhaps, IMPOSED on her.  Fuck.

I’m going to try my fucking best to cling to this, hope I can carry on a memory after this is over that DOESN’T imagine Rose trapped in a fucking existential dying villain coma with a hard fucking cutoff that promises nothing is ever coming to resolve it ever.  (Or Jade in a somewhat-similar sidelined situation, or Jane doomed to fuck herself over and everyone else too, or...)

What’s slipping away instead is the feeling that any of it mattered at all. Was she insane to be so consumed by such lofty concerns, and is she only beginning to experience clarity today, for the first time in ages?

Yeah, you’re no longer in a timeline of Light and relevance.  And that’s not so bad, which is something you never expected to be true given your derision of the concept.  Void is pretty goddamn alright.

--Oh right, the illness and substance abuse probably caused plenty of distance between them.

KANAYA: There Was A Feeling I Couldnt Shake That Something Terrible Was Going To Happen To Us KANAYA: Something That Neither Of Us Could Stop KANAYA: A Powerful Outside Force That Would Take You Away From Me KANAYA: And I Couldnt Stop Myself From Thinking That Maybe KANAYA: Maybe That It Would Be For The Best ROSE: Kanaya... KANAYA: I Can Now See That This Is Completely Ridiculous

For some reason, this doesn’t settle my stomach much?  It’s clear Andrew wove this in here so that if you read Meat first, you’d be able to acknowledge readily how this diverged in a way the characters kind of recognize, and... I’m not sure what I’m even saying.  It’s like there’s hope that this is TRYING to take the bad taste out of my mouth, but I don’t believe it overly much.

ROSE: What a relief, considering that we are both going to be young and magically fit literally forever.

Wait, so they DID find a way to extend their non-ascended friends’ lifespans to practical immortality?  Jane’s Life powers?  Something else?

==>

yay jade.  more extended dave metaphors.  calm down stomach.

JADE: i never thought id be thinking of you as my weird nerd friend by the time we were in our twenties

Heheheh.

DAVE: yeah well i never thought youd be like the premiere woo girl on the planet

Had to look up what a “woo girl” was.

Yes Jade go flirt them to death

What she’s planning isn’t a seduction. It’s a public service.

Pff

(And yeah, she’s being pushy but at least she doesn’t go DIRK FAR about it.)

DAVE: its incredible hes driven at least ten people off the site by creating thinly veiled parody accounts of their usernames

Oh my gosh, Karkat’s good enough to ANDREW HUSSIE them?!???  :D

That’s incredible.

Karkat knows damned well what a husband is. He’s been force-fed enough bad movies from Dave to pick up any human euphemism you could name. He still plays dumb sometimes, for comedic effect, to irritate his friends, or simply to avoid a topic of conversation altogether.

Yeah, it was always pretty clear that about HALF of the trolls pretended not to understand something human that they knew about just for comedic effect and they knew it.  :)

It would be pretty easy to mistake his reaction for arousal, so it’s understandable that Jade is extremely surprised when Karkat snaps his jaw shut and chomps down on her hand.

PFFFFHahahahah :D

And yep, Jane cancelled her run at Dirk’s direction.

DAVE: lets all just thank whichever christ was responsible for making whatever decision resulted in her deciding not to do that

*nod nod*

JADE: well i hope she gets a better hobby JADE: there are a lot of less ominous things she could do with her time KARKAT: WHAT, LIKE FUCKING HER WAY THROUGH HALF THE POPULATION OF EARTH C?

Jade pinches his ear and twists hard, smiling pleasantly.

JADE: get fucked karkat

Yeah, this is about the level of violence/threat I’d expect from Jade when anyone slut-shames her for perfectly acceptable behavior.

==>

There is almost no crime on Earth C, and so almost no one locks their door.

Huh.  I guess post-scarcity might do that.

Alright, we get to see Jane being less of a fuckass.

Dirk was the one person on Earth C who took the state of the locksmith industry with the seriousness it deserved.

Pffff

JAKE: Thats my theory at least. Maybe its tommyrot but i have faith that dirk will be back. After all where is he going to go?

Good question that wasn’t answered in Meat, so of course Jake says it here obliviously.

JAKE: I must admit i am rather half rats at the moment. JANE: You’re what? JAKE: Haha sorry that was a pretty obtuse way of putting it wasnt it. JAKE: What i mean to say is that ive been powdering my hair quite a bit today.

Andrew is SO good at making Jake sound completely incomprehensible.

...Ouch, Jane, don’t drink so hard! D:

The “morbs”??

JAKE: Dirk has that manner about him does he not? JAKE: A way about him that makes you feel like whatever you do as long as it does not involve him it doesnt count for dick.

Yeah, fuck Dirk.

Hm... is the absence of relevance affecting them, or some other manipulation? It’s not just the LACK of Dirk’s manipulation.

JAKE: Except of course for that time when you were under mind control and had me trussed up in your lair as you pontificated villainously about using me as a breeding stud to create a blood lineage for your incumbent corporate space empire.

A fate Dirk seems to agree with, judging by Meat.  Let’s sidestep that fucking entirely, thank you.

...yeah, I didn’t expect Jake’s response to be any less oblivious than exactly that.

==>

So why DID Callie bring Gamzee back, anyway?  Is there some secret use for him in mind?  Was she manipulated into it?  Maybe BY Gamzee?  Hm.

...alright, priestly with followings.  That ain’t good.  Is he aiming for Clown President MK2?

Everything Callie and Roxy have done and said in this Candy section so far seems creepily contrived, possibly by design.

...okay did they have some kind of weird agreement? Like, “okay John is gonna make his choice, and if he chooses to stay i try dating him instead of you, Callie”???  That’s... no that can’t be it.  Roxy’s NEVER acted THIS oblivious before.  What’s she playing at?

GAMZEE: mY fUcKiN *gUy*. :o) JOHN: ... GAMZEE: My DuDe AnD mY nInJa AlIkE. GAMZEE: mY *hOrN* dOoOoG. JOHN: ... GAMZEE: mY hOrN tO tHa MoThErFuCkIn DoG. ;o) JOHN: waiter! help!

I’m imagining Gamzee now as a sweaty and homeless, unkempt Guy Fieri.

Yeah, this doesn’t look like it’ll be fun.

==>

...Swifer Eggmop.  ¬_¬”

There’s a third member of their social group who definitely hasn’t arrived at the conclusion that his power and influence should be meted out responsibly either. Neither of them speak his name, however. For some reason, it feels like a shadow passing over the sun. A brief spike of pain flickers through Rose’s head, a bolt that strikes between her eyes and splinters out. There is color and light behind it. A vision that tears through the material reality in front of her and gives her a brief glimpse into a parallel reality where things are very different.

Yeah, fuck Dirk.

...Pff. Yeah, Rose WOULD mimic the record-scratch gesture.

Don’t invoke “never seeing Vriska again” like that, you’re really tempting fate.

Heh, Rose is finding some Light in the darkness, wanting to do something that’s meaningful on an expressive level with this Vriskgrub business.

Hm... why is my stomach a little less uneasy?

I sure hope it stays that way.

==>

KARKAT: OH MY GOD, ARE THE MECHANICAL GLUTES ON THAT BILLBOARD ACTUALLY PADDED WITH PLUSH TO MAKE THEM MORE LIFELIKE?

Heck Yes

...Yes, touch the butt, Karkat.

Jade, pouting a bit, glides in between them and uses her Space powers to teleport Dave’s phone out from the center of his traumatized palm and into the pocket of her sweater.

Hm!  So she still has teleportation abilities over a limited range even without her Green Sun boost, that’s nice.  :D

After all, where would these two pitiful beta boys be without her?

Oh my fucking god stop being Dirk, Jade.  And never use that narrative language again, even in your head.  Heck, even if Dirk’s the one WRITING this still, don’t even think CLOSE enough to think those words.

...yeah this sounds like an Active player class taking things slightly too far.

Thank you, Karkat, for drawing the consent-line in the sand.  Looks like Jade’s backing off a little.

--hold on, wait, Dave kissed him? He did, so why is-- let me read back up--

Dave doesn’t answer. She answers for him by leaning down and planting a dry, affectionate kiss on Karkat’s cheek.

Okay I misread this line earlier.  Jade kissed Karkat when neither of them were looking and is BLAMING Dave.  Hmm.

Alright, Dave ollies outie.  Karkat tumbles down some hillstairs.

Jade could probably catch him. Actually, she could easily do it, but it doesn’t seem like the kind of favor you should do in a fledgling kismesissitude.

Thaaaat’s a little presumptuous??

JADE: well i guess im eating grub spaghetti alone JADE: *again*!!!

:C

I’d be sadder if you didn’t bring it down hard upon yourself but

:C

==>

Yeah, John, better clear up this Callie business because it’s muddy as heck why Roxy would just drop everything to try things out with you.

Ah, we’re bringing up the gender identity thing on this side too, hm?

More serious talk, this is good, reading reading...

The glasses clink together clumsily, and water gets all over the complimentary breadsticks.

Oh no.  This had better not be Olive Garden.

ROXY: no one else has ever made me feel like this

--not Calliope???

What the heck is even going on.

Dave’s coming for some bro help it looks like.

==>

It’s hilarious how much Dave is freaking out about this, and how completely in-character it is.

JOHN: holy fucking shit. JOHN: there’s a gay snooze button? DAVE: yeah man theres a gay snooze button JOHN: wow.

I love these two’s conversations

......wait, Dave’s been holding off on kissing Karkat because of what he thinks JADE might think???? D:

JOHN: i almost managed to forget that she was trying to fuck you and karkat.

Pfffffffff  :D

Yep.  I love it being put so bluntly.

Reading on... yeah, for some reason I also always figured that the end result of a nice three-way relationship between those three people would be Jade and Dave essentially both just glomming onto Karkat more than each other?  Hm.

JOHN: i mean... it doesn’t sound... JOHN: *canon*?

...I hope you’re just talking about his coin flip explanation and not DaveKatJade.  >:(

John wonders when talking to Dirk has fixed anything for anyone.

Nod nod.

She grins up at John with shimmering, adoring eyes. They’re reflecting every star in the sky, all for him.

Seriously, what the hell.  Is Roxy hypnotized?  Putting on an act?  A voidy act??

I’m not doubting that Roxy COULD feel that way about John, I’m doubting the suddenness and the way Calliope is being deliberately ignored in the situation, which is so goddamn obvious that JOHN is uncomfortable about it.  There’s something seriously strange going on.

It itches at the back of his head, the idea that he might have just fucked up Dave’s entire life.

D:

Alright next post after a bit of breakfast.

[punkscowardschampions]

Ali & Carly

Ali: . . . – – – . . . Carly: ? Carly: nodded on your phone Ali: OG 🍑📞 Ali: nah save me Carly: it's pretty lemme just grab a 💄 really quick Carly: what's up baby? Ali: you are and I need distracting Ali: got band practice and I really have to Ali: missed the last two so she's dead moody Carly: go solo ill play a tambourine for you Carly: until you get famous anyway Ali: we'll get you those noise cancelling headphones they give to rockstars kids Ali: then you just gotta close your eyes n shine Carly: aw Carly: you're a 🍑 Carly: but before then I know how to sweeten up rockstars Carly: lots of jd is 🔑 yea so ill swipe ronans & its a party Ali: know that'll go down a treat Ali: almost as good as the ego stroke of calling them rockstars Carly: y you asked me its a not so hidden talent of mine Carly: strokes where needed Ali: 🎨 Ali: alright monet Ali: I'll try not to make it completely boring Carly: i have to take 5 to finish up here or he'll be dead moody Carly: so he's all you have to be more fun than Carly: & whats more boring than a horny lad when ur not feeling it Ali: easy Ali: I remember being that bored Ali: less memory more reliving but shh Ali: all fun and games yeah ✌ Carly: yea Carly: he gets it over quick tho some go & go without getting u anywhere Carly: ha Carly: ive got a home to go to sometimes boy Ali: he's very considerate like that Carly: i wont share it w him too big of a word for rn Carly: wheres this practice @ Ali: 'course not Ali: all he needs to hear is biggest and best Ali: memory serves Ali: in one of the other's garage Ali: so punk rock Ali: I'll come meet you Carly: long as he can call me a slut & I make the right noises it dont matter what I say Carly: thats every lad on here Carly: k well he's done so direct me Carly: u dont wanna meet me outside here Ali: if that's your jam, go off Ali: you mean you don't trust me not to 👊 your mans 😏 Ali: I started walking, call me a pessimist, Ronan 🤷 Carly: yea u kno for a good time call any of these caravans Carly: the old lady w the gnomes is a dark horse like Carly: i don't want u to see me looking this way ty ronan 💘 Carly: so rough about everything Carly: him & u ha Ali: she's living my dream, I remember her Ali: the pink trailer, like Ali: shoulda been going to see her if not you Ali: 🤡 Ali: you alright? Ali: you need a sec or Ali: idk, anything else Carly: her cats are living my dream Carly: lying in the sun all day, getting fat Carly: being loved whenever they ask Carly: i need a drink but im taking all of his its k Ali: duh Ali: only had it slightly better in ancient Egypt, like Ali: forever goals Ali: we'll drink it on the way Ali: need to see where to put their fingers Ali: not code for gay shit but like Ali: also Carly: theres lots they can have some as promised Carly: he owed me for all the 💊 Ali: you're sweet Carly: we can get your gf ☕ to dump it in thats the adult thing to do Carly: trying to make her happy not more mad Ali: she's 17 Ali: she just fronts a good game Ali: suppose one of us should Ali: #badgirlfriend Carly: ur the best wife tho Carly: ive missed u Ali: 😚 Ali: comments like that are why I've deffo missed you more Carly: aw Carly: comments like urs r why ill make today really fun for u Ali: 💚 Ali: we can make anything a party yeah Carly: yea Carly: but u gotta help me carry these drinks to cos i think my wrist was broken from all the coaxing that boy needs when hes been on it Ali: ugh, the struggle is so real Ali: though if you use that as an ice breaker they're all gonna look at you blankly Ali: fucking lesbian priviledge amirite Carly: i bet at least one of them's hurt their wrist trying to get a girl off Carly: half who go to our school r so uptight you need to check for sticks Carly: catholic guilt be like Ali: 😂 real Ali: but you gotta be on my side Ali: already outnumbered Ali: team bi for the day okay Carly: so i can talk about masturbating with my grandma's jesus cross or i cant Ali: you can Ali: that's a story whoevers company Ali: 'cept grandma, obvs Carly: punk rock enough? Carly: if theyre all as scary as ur lesbian im shotgunning more beers Carly: bag of recycling before we even get to the garage Ali: when she cares about the 🌍 Ali: 😍 Ali: they ain't, if we're being real Carly: dont want the earth to die Carly: its so pretty Carly: & fun Carly: k i wont have every can Carly: before we get there Ali: 👼🌟🌈🍓🐰👸 Ali: you Ali: and I'm literally just 'round the corner hold on Ali: not dragging my feet 'cos of you babe Carly: ur too sweet Carly: are you the singer & the guitarist or do they make you just do one cos youre too big of a 🌟 Ali: got it in one babe, I'm relegated to guitar #2 most the time Ali: at least you can own the stage more when you ain't so Carly: ill tell them you need to be 1st guitar & lead singer you're too talented for it to go to waste Carly: its sad Carly: but its cute that youre in a band together Ali: you wanna be backup baby? Carly: yea but i cant 😢😢 Ali: you can when it's just us though Ali: you're too pure for rock n roll anyway Ali: their brand of Carly: how you said that makes me think i need to drink more Ali: it's a good thing about you Ali: just saying though, my voice will be fucked by the end of this Carly: ill get you some 🍯 baby Carly: you can be 👼 again in no time Carly: church ready Ali: only if you coming with Ali: 😈 Carly: only if we do some more sinning first Carly: make it worth the walk Ali: naturally Ali: how we do Carly: k Carly: are all the band dating each other or just you two Ali: 😏 more and more apparent how straight you ain't tbh Ali: currently off again, I think Ali: they've all dated each other though, every which way you can combo it Carly: i have met a lesbian before ur rescued me @ that party Carly: been hit on by lots Carly: i kno they like to date in circles & all kinds of other shapes Ali: I bet Carly: aw don't be jealous Carly: i didnt like it Carly: ur my fave Ali: I'm not Ali: am glad I ain't giving off those predatory vibes though Ali: good to know, like Carly: you give off the best vibes Ali: 👼 energy, baby Carly: 🌟💙 Ali: let's hit 'em with it Carly: yea Ali: after she can drive us to a decent shindig 🤞 Carly: me & a car full of gays Carly: ronan will be in a mood ha Ali: always a bonus Ali: also always in a mood Ali: they really would get on if she could get over the whole man hate vibe Carly: ill bring him to the next rehearsal Carly: he thinks hes got what it takes Ali: 😏 Ali: I'll put my money on Mar Ali: poor boy Carly: steals my 🎸 every time he comes over Carly: i cant be impressed that you can play 2 chords baby boy I'm sorry Ali: 😩💦 Ali: even as relegated #2 I can do more than that Ali: promise Carly: me too & im only groupie #1 Carly: he still tries to teach me tho Carly: so boring Ali: 🙄 Ali: what a dickhead Ali: he just wants to be behind you to 'position' your hands, boys love that shit don't they Ali: I know how to play pool too so get off Carly: we should play my da taught me Carly: make some money & have some fun Ali: I'm down Carly: k Carly: cos i need to buy more 💊s he really did eat them all Carly: 😢😢 Ali: Babe Ali: I know a reliable lad Ali: invite him Ali: make it a party Carly: yea me & him been up since i saw you last how long ago was that? forever it feels Carly: be more fun away from site Ali: damn Ali: how the other half live Ali: I feel like I haven't had any fun since I last saw you Ali: get enough to take the edge of your comedown if nothing else or that'll be rough Carly: i wanted to invite u my baby but u kno how he gets Carly: hates that weve met Carly: ill make you feel good now promise Carly: hes had too much of my time Ali: worried that Imma tell you horror stories like you don't know him? Ali: backatcha 💚 Ali: swear Carly: yea he thinks my head's empty Carly: just a body like Carly: not that weve done school for years together or anything Carly: i kno i dont always go but boy come on Ali: you're miles ahead of him Ali: he only acts like he reckons that 'cos he don't want you coming to your senses and binning him off proper, like Carly: ur lil bro writes & reads better Carly: but hes a smart lil cutie Carly: what am i gonna do move the caravan in the middle of the night? no wheels is there Carly: stuck as fwb til he gets married his wife finds out & comes for me Ali: yeah he likes you too Ali: always chatting on when you coming 'round again so you know Ali: better hang some more, for his sake Ali: I know you got locks Carly: aw i love him Carly: always wanted a lil bro but my rents dont fuck no more so that ain't happening Carly: unless my dad knocks up someone younger Carly: u kno id lock myself out & end up round there Carly: ha Ali: lil blue pills don't fail us now Ali: ick Ali: should go to casa flamenco Ali: don't think she'd steal your stash Ali: oldies always have their own, the real good shit too Carly: that what ur calling it Carly: ill steal hers Ali: exactly Ali: 😍 #babe Ali: ronan who Carly: i do go older but not sure i could handle peeling back the wrinkles Ali: weak 😉 Carly: you seduce her for me, thats love Carly: & you wanna be under her anyway Ali: 'scuse you Ali: I'm happily married Carly: me too Carly: pimping me out to the older generation wasnt in the vows were it Ali: could've been Ali: you know how creative I am Carly: yea i do love that about you Ali: I 👀 you Ali: [runs up and takes some of the shit] Carly: [unnecessarily long hug moment because always] Ali: ['it does feel like forever'] Carly: [just rambling on about how much she's missed her & like all the compliments for how she looks/what she's wearing etc cos again always] Ali: [lbr she'd go all out for rehersals even so it would be a look, Ali lowkey fixing Carly up whilst checking 'cos was concerned but not gonna make it a Thing tm] Carly: [save her Ali she looks like shit rn & your gf don't need to be seeing her like that] Ali: [finishing by kissing her nose 'cos that is a thing] Carly: [😳 but really happy obvs & another hug cos they really have missed each other so] Ali: [walking and talking baby] Carly: [& letting Ali catch up with all the drinks Carly's had] Ali: [giving her the lowdown on the other bitches who are clearly not as scary as kstew] Carly: [you'd think she's not listening because 1. state of her & 2. how distracting Ali is in her lewk but she is] Ali: [is like soz it's boring but I'll make it fun] Carly: [she's like its not you're just pretty & also I'm saving you & making it fun] Ali: ['not about to beg but please do'] Carly: ['knew I should've locked that down in the vows' cos being flirty with it] Ali: ['too late now babe, 'less you make me wanna renew'] Carly: [is just like yeah okay will do, soz kstew but we know its true so] Ali: [turning up to your function, imagine kstews face oop] Carly: [Carly handing the booze out cos she's a babe while kstew talks shit on her by pulling Ali aside like we said] Carly: u want me to go? Ali: [Ali tryna explain but also being kinda over this mood like why can't she be here, u lowkey know why but you know] Ali: no Ali: don't Ali: I'll sort it Carly: k Carly: [Carly just drinking a little bit too hard cos the vibe is wrong & her anxiety don't need this thank you ladies] Ali: [just walking away and being like okay come on let's start 'cos can't argue if you're playing] Carly: [pissing about on some spare instruments while they're setting up cos awks] Ali: I've text the lad Ali: reckons 10 minutes 👍 Carly: 💙🌟 Carly: ty Ali: [ooh crimson and clover 'cos joan did it and it'd be a sexy moment so blatantly directed at carly] Carly: [Carly literally 😍 harder than her gf is, oops] Carly: [& so many compliments as soon as the song is over before kstew can get a word in, god bless] Ali: [gently/not being a patronizing dick with it showing her dance moves and stuff like getting her involved without being like you have to perform now lol] Carly: [k stew fuming like now the WARM UP is done we should play OUR songs we all know the type like excuse you everyone is having fun especially my sweet baby angel] Ali: [being like oh but I just learnt this song it's got a good bass bit we should do that, overruled lol] Carly: [has to go with it cos no argument she can make that won't sound petty as hell and not trying to look like that bitch in front of the squad] Ali: [doing electric feel for the gay sexiness] Carly: [Carly even more into it cos a song she knows cos lets say she don't know the glory of our cat song just because so its such a moment okay bye] Carly: [Marlene calling a 🚬 break immediately after cos fuming & that can also be when Drew comes] Ali: [as if you weren't fuming enough there's how a man here 😍 at your woman, also giving them droogs] Carly: [meanwhile Carly ain't noticed cos sharing a 🚬 with the prettiest & least intimidating lesbian perched on her lap like so cosy....way to kill Ali babe we know she's special but let her know please] Carly: [hops off to get her drugs but still a moment] Ali: [these other girls just stirring the pot rn lmao] Carly: [that girl being like you should come out with us & Carly's like yeah cos she's pure] Ali: you know this one's flirting with you too, yeah? Ali: 😏 Carly: ha Carly: shes nice Ali: yeah Ali: pretty cute Carly: u kno the dealer wants to fuck you tho yea Carly: hes pretty Ali: obvs Ali: his hairs a bit naff but yeah Carly: ur gf is gonna drag him out by it Carly: let me slip him my number first ty Ali: lol 🙄 Ali: better you have his, no Ali: 💊 Ali: idk why she's the fun police today Carly: k good idea Carly: [goes to get his deets] Carly: she's so mad Carly: u gotta love me more when shes not around Ali: i ain't done nothing Carly: shes jealous of me like i am of her Carly: two girls one 💙 Carly: [lowkey flirting with Drew before he gets thrown out] Ali: hmm Ali: maybe you can duel Ali: [helping herself 'cos they clearly got enough to go around 'cos Drew's easy lol] Carly: 😢😢 Carly: you want me to be killed Ali: don't be silly Ali: not very gentlemanly of her, she'd never Ali: for someone so punk she loves following rules you know Carly: y u like her or y ur bored? Ali: [casually loling at her phone like what you think] Carly: [a moment of eye contact soz kstew] Carly: y dont i kno this lad? Ali: idk Ali: he wasn't always that cocky Ali: maybe his pubes came in Carly: ha Carly: ill find out Carly: gotta b known as the school slag not the girl who pissed herself on the stage Ali: more catchy Ali: I get it Carly: u only remember our wedding day i kno but it tends to stick in everyone else's memories Carly: a day of bad vibes Ali: I remember you but not like that Carly: hope its not worse Carly: how you do Carly: [casually taking too many 💊 to deal with the bender she's been on with the gypsies, you know Drew will remember her like this] Ali: nah Ali: you were cute Ali: and nice when all these random english kids showed up Carly: cos you were cuter Carly: im always nice to the pretty ones Ali: 💘 Ali: s'a good line walsh, you get it off him n all Carly: 💔😢 Carly: i love you i dont need him feeding me those kind of lines Carly: we gotta crush some of these tho its gonna take forever to kick in Ali: only joking baby don't be sad Ali: [comes over and helps 'cos why not kstew already furious her band practice has descended into anarchy] Carly: [using a shoe she's wearing for once to crush pills casually but stops to put her head on Ali's shoulder cos is sad lowkey] Ali: [gives her top of the head kisses] Carly: [is smiling again & telling her how much she missed her again and all that good gay content while Marlene fumes in the distance] Ali: [whispers like sorry for the bad vibes and I am gonna fix this 'cos she knows it's been fucked but realistically don't know what she's doing about it yet 'cos where do we stand] Carly: [kisses her on the forehead cos that big brain always thinking & worrying & she know] Carly: u wanna 👃 or 👅? Ali: 👃 Carly: yea dont want a numb mouth Carly: no fun Ali: probably would help my throat but kinda 'bout that smokes and drinks a 40 a day vibe so Ali: soz to my nasal cavity in advance Carly: the 🍯 is coming as promised Carly: [puts enough powder in her hand for Ali to snort, how intimate excuse them like she could have used her own hand or any surface Carly but go off] Ali: you're sweet enough darling Ali: [soz kstew just gals being pals 'cos obvs returning the favour and 'holding her hair out the way' aka stroking it] Carly: [when you more about that intimacy than the drug you're trying to take] Carly: aw Ali: [moment being ruined by some kind of unignorable strop moment from marlene clearly so she has to go and have an argument brb] Carly: should i go now? Ali: wait for me Ali: please? Ali: outside if you like or whatever, I'm being selfish but Ali: I ain't staying either Carly: k Carly: [is outside quietly singing a little mash up of both gay covers while she waits, just little bits of lyrics she likes from each lol] Ali: [not tryna drag this out and clearly we can't let it get to let's break up point so] Carly: lets go have some real fun Ali: [when she comes out, resting her arms on her shoulders and spinning her 'round and 'round like let's go] Carly: [is loving life again bye bitches] Ali: ['we can do anything we wanna' means now but also like always] Carly: [is buzzing because her life is literally so stagnant already like what a welcome premise & hugs her cos that's what she wants to do, always gotta be touching] Ali: [and hand holding] Carly: [complimenting her AGAIN as they going along cos she's a really good singer tbf so] Ali: [chatting away 'bout the kinda music she wanna do and what the band is about and starting her own etc but also about how pretty Carly's voice is and how it's too precious for the stage anyway] Carly: [okay but after they've nerded out over music Carly be like 'wait for me' runs into a shop really quick & buys Ali some honey for real cos she that nerd & presents it to her really happily wrapped in her headscarf or something cos again nerd] Ali: [you know how buzzing and touched she'd be 'cos also that nerd, being like you're such an angel and imma get you something so special etc] Carly: [Carly like you gotta eat it tho & opens it right there like she gonna drip it into Ali's mouth if she don't how gaaaaaay, steals some with her finger too obvs cos cute but also accidentally sexy all the time] Ali: [winnie screeching in the distance] Carly: [gets a phone call from her mum & answers in this state cos no fucks given on either side & then turns to Ali like my turn to take you to a family bbq cos I think the contrast would be hilarious so we should but not now cos give them some alone time @ god] Ali: [is down 'cos she's not a snob unlike someone we know rosalin and she'd be lowkey about it 'cos any excuse to spend time] Carly: [ronan will 100% be there cos hilarious like you gotta fight him Ali tbh] Carly: [just rambling about how much she loves Ali rn though cos always] Carly: 💙🌟🐝👼🚀 Ali: [backatcha and dropping the charity shop plan] Carly: [is so down obvs like little kid levels of excited] Ali: [running thru the streets of dublin like babes] Carly: [god fucking bless] Ali: [charity shop crawl so wild like leave 'em be world] Carly: [like how pure that they think of cat lady Ro & kstew would never bitch] Ali: [probably making friends with all the nice old ladies in there/horrifying the old bitches tho too lol] Carly: [this is why Carly makes my heart hurt cos she'd wanna be friends but would probably horrify lol] Ali: [tbf they are high] Carly: [as per again let them live peeps its summer] Ali: [should steal something but like something really tiny and silly 'cos sinning and stealing from a charity shop is pretty bad in a cute way somehow lol] Carly: [but leaving shoes behind or something cos barefoot life so the universe is balanced] Ali: [and ali would buy stuff for 'em both but making sure carly knows this ain't THE gift 'cos wants to swag that lol] Carly: [okay but can they also come back to buy homewares for the caravan when she gets her own thanks bye] Ali: [absolutely, just window shopping rn how you do like 'when I have my own place' but saying we 'cos #married] Carly: [Ali can actually get one of the actual things when cos its still there, oh my heart]

[theolddarkmachine]

Four Years- Sophomore Year

Settling back into the careful composure of his well worn scowl, Keith lifts his glass in Shiro’s direction.

“I’ll stick with Shirogane, then, thanks,” he says brusquely as he raises the glass to his lips in an attempt to hide behind another swig of beer that he forgets isn’t there until he sees the flash of Shiro’s eyes as they meet his gaze through the emptied bottom of his glass.

Heat sparks in his chest, sending a flare racing up his neck and across the rise of his cheeks at the sound of Shiro’s husking laugh as, in a show of dominance, he tossed back the rest of his own drink.

“Looks like we’re ready for something stronger.”

Part 2 of 5

AO3

Warnings: None for now aside from underage drinking and ridiculous flirting, because this is a slowburn and that’s just how it goes. Will earn an E rating eventually. and by eventually i mean in the next chapter :3c

A/N: Originally I wanted to add lyrics at the start of each chapter from songs I felt encapsulated the feel for the chapter. But then I just couldn’t bring myself to add lyrics from Tupthumping and format them like poetry, but I tried to work that in another way instead. Enjoy.

********************

There were a great many thing things that Keith Kogane had learned by his second year of college. The first, is that being in a fraternity wasn’t actually that bad.

Not that he’d ever admit to Hunk that he was right.

Again.

But it had gotten him out of the hellhole known as dorm living and had even given him and Hunk a usable kitchen that didn’t carry the high risk of tetanus. It had even come with a fridge that was almost always stocked as long as Hunk promised an endless supply of his “Beta Famous Bear Claws.”

Really, everyone won in the end.

The second, is that he was disturbingly good at drinking games. So good, in fact, that he’d earned the title of The Anchor and had been the Beta’s not-so-secret weapon in every drinking competition that they found themselves in.

His only true match, was known as The Champion.

Or rather, Shiro.

Though, how the Alphas decided he should be called that was beyond him when he currently sat with one more win under his belt.

And the only reason Shiro had managed to pull his most recent win from him, was because he’d used his dimple against him.

Keith still maintains that it was an illegal play.

The third, is that fate is a dick.

A dick that had paraded itself into his life in the form of one Professor Slav. A dick that had forced them into a group essay together that totaled half of their overall semester grade.

A dick that had landed him in a slightly sticky booth across from Shiro with two drinks between them and not even the excuse of any games.

We should celebrate, Shiro had said as soon as they’d dropped their fluid mechanics essay off at Slav’s office.

Yeah, that’d be cool, Keith had said, as if the mere mention hadn’t sent his heart crashing into the roof of his mouth along with the acrid taste of bile. It’s an exaggerated reaction, he knows. One that isn’t really warranted given his otherwise calm and cool demeanor towards his classmate and frat rival.

Which brings Keith to the fourth, and final thing he’s learned. It was a revelation that he kept wrapped in all its bits of ominous cashmere, folded and tucked safely between the space of his third and fourth ribs where even he couldn’t touch it.

Because touching it was dangerous.

Acknowledging the softness that lined his insides would be sticking his hand within the garbage disposal of his emotions that would surely cut him to bits and leave him bleeding out on the floor.

Acknowledging it would mean admitting what he had known that exact moment he’d walked into that calculus class his freshman year.

That he’s completely gone for Shiro.

And not in the perfectly acceptable way that could have been rectified by a drunken night and bad decisions. In the a way that left his heart a pale imitation of Atlas holding up the weight of Shiro’s smile.

A smile that is burning a hole through his sternum as he watches the Alpha grab his beer and raise it in salute.

“To surviving Slav,” he says, sliding the words through his grin as he lowers his gaze to Keith’s pint before snapping it back up to his face. Deep within the silver there, he sees the fire of a challenge that stokes the flames within his own chest as he closes his fist around the cool glass and lifts it.

“And to being dumb enough to want to stay in aerospace engineering,” Keith replies before draining half of his beer if only for the excuse of looking away from the blinding glow of Shiro’s look.

“Who’d have thought that we would actually work well together,” Shiro hums thoughtfully as  Keith resurfaces, looking him over as he wipes a lazy line along the condensation thats gathered along his own glass.

“Did we?” He asks dumbly, eyeing what’s left and calculating if he could finish it off in one more go.

The answer? Yes, yes he could.

The real question is, should he?

“I think so,” Shiro says easily, his dimple working its way further into the corner of his mouth as he watches Keith, some secret enjoyment turning his gaze bright. If Keith didn’t know better, he’d think that Shiro knows exactly what he’s thinking.

The very thought paints his cheeks red as he scoffs and rolls his eyes to the ceiling.

“That makes one of us.”

Regret hits him almost immediately as something a lot like hurt turns Shiro’s gaze downcast, pushing an awkward silence along their booth that’s painfully pointed. If he were being honest, they really had worked well together, but that isn’t really the point, is it?

No matter how well they may have worked together, it didn’t change the fact that Shiro is off limits, painted with a big fat X.

Swallowing down his apology, Keith cuts his gaze to the other bar patrons, mentally cataloguing each face that turns their way. He’ll never hear the end of it if any of the Betas catch him sharing drinks with Public Enemy No. 1.

Sighing loudly, Keith slumps further into the booth, turning his attention back to Shiro only to be met by his unwavering stare.

It’s the kind of stare that carries confidence and nonchalance, as if Shiro doesn’t care who saw them there. Though, now that Keith thinks about it, he supposes that only makes sense.

Sal’s was, for all intents and purposes, sacred ground where all rivalries were checked at the door since it was the one bar in town that didn’t look too closely at IDs. As long as no one made things difficult, they could overlook the differences in the laminated photos. 

That very rule made it the kind of place where even the most vehement of enemies would be able to share a drink side-by-side.

Of course, it was also the kind of place where drunken students would input the same song in the jukebox to play for an hour straight. 

At first, it had been funny. Now, it feels like an ill omen.

The song, a drinking tune made popular thanks to the 90s, kicked in once more as it listed off an obscenely long list of drinks. Keith is pretty sure that if anyone drank all of those, they’d be knocked down and definitely wouldn’t be getting back up again.

Granted, staring down the barrel of Shiro’s gunmetal eyes, he thinks he might just give it a try.

“So tell me about yourself,” Shiro’s voice is a burning ember stoked within the crashing roar of the bar patrons around them as he leans forward, gaze filled with intent as he breaks the awkward silence of their booth. It makes Keith’s heart flip a perfect 10 from the judges within his chest as he opts to throw back the last of his beer if only to buy himself a bit more time.

The smooth IPA washed down his minor panic, leaving nothing but feigned confidence in its wake as he emerged from behind the emptied glass.

“I’m not sure what else you want to know, Shirogane,” he says just as smoothly, leveling him with a careful arch of his brow as he settling back into the booth as he raised a finger with each point he made.

“I’m a Beta, I clearly like the pain of this major, and I’m the one that kicks your ass every weekend in beer pong. What more do you want to know?”

Deep lines crinkle the edges of Shiro’s almond eyes as he pulls his forearm up to rest his chin on his open palm. It makes him look younger, almost wistful.

“Shiro,” he answers, tucking his grin behind a careful sip of his beer.

“What?” Keith’s voice is a flatline as loses his train of thought to the slow drag of Shiro’s tongue along the slick liquid that coated his top lip.

“My friends call me Shiro,” the Alpha bites out, turning his smile predatory as his eyes glow with the dumbly breathless nature of Keith’s voice. Friends, was not the right word at all.

Friends, held a connotation that he never wanted a part in.

Friends, was something he wouldn’t have even wanted to be even if they hadn’t landed themselves in rival fraternities that pitted them against each other every weekend.

What Keith wanted, was something a lot stronger. He wants late nights, secret smiles and names gasped into the darkness of night.

What he wants, are early mornings, soft sunlight with softer kisses and his eggs over easy.

That, however, is a secret that he would take with him right to his grave, because Keith was a lot of things, but he wasn’t a traitor. No matter how enticing Shiro’s crescent smile and starlit eyes are.

Settling back into the careful composure of his well worn scowl, Keith lifts his glass in Shiro’s direction.

“I’ll stick with Shirogane, then, thanks,” he says brusquely as he raises the glass to his lips in an attempt to hide behind another swig of beer that he forgets isn’t there until he sees the flash of Shiro’s eyes as they meet his gaze through the emptied bottom of his glass.

Heat sparks in his chest, sending a flare racing up his neck and across the rise of his cheeks at the sound of Shiro’s husking laugh as, in a show of dominance, he tossed back the rest of his own drink.

“Looks like we’re ready for something stronger.”

The words, accompanied with a wink, carry Shiro away as Keith opened his mouth around a silent protest just seconds too late. A dryness fills his throat as he watches his classmate push through the crowd, ignoring the lingering eyes as he passes until he reached the bar.

From here, Keith gets a front row seat to the snug fit of his jeans, and the way his navy henley pulls across his shoulders, the fabric set just this side of too tight in a way that would make him go weak in the knees if he was standing.

Good thing he wasn’t.

Even from behind, Keith can see the confidence that holds Shiro’s head high as he starts to speak with the bartender. He can imagine the easy smile that would work itself high in the full of his lips, drawing his cupid bow taut and deepening that damned dimple. Something dark curled itself low in his gut as he watched the bartender toss back his head with a laugh, the sound of it snatched away by the sound of Chumbawumba calling out for one Danny Boy. Light flashes off his glasses as he returns his gaze to Shiro, his own mouth split wide as he reaches beneath the bar.

Keith shaking his head as he watches, shaking the blackened thoughts from his head as he turns away, biting down on his lip until he tastes the sharp tang of blood. If he didn’t know better, he’d think the tart taste on the back of his tongue was jealousy.

Good thing he did.

A tray of shots materializes in front of him, their contents sloshing over their sides as they’re dropped unceremoniously with a clatter on the table before him, causing him to jump as Shiro pushes himself back into his side of the booth.

“Are you up for a game?” Shiro asks, the silver of his eyes muted with a dark challenge as he licks across a sharpened canine. It’s a feral move that cracks that pesky space between Keith’s ribs wide with the brambles of sticky, sharp desire. It buries itself deep into his bones, forcing the gaps further and further apart until he isn’t sure he’d be able to keep breathing.

Crossing his arms over his chest in an attempt to hold it together, Keith tilts his chin high in defiance.

“I’m always up for kicking your ass, Shirogane,” he growls, pushing the words through his gritted teeth. A storm cloud rumbles across Shiro’s face as a hungry shadow turned it hard in a fleeting moment that makes Keith’s heart race. 

The air thickens between them, catching with the same static that fills the air before a tempest as they hold each others gazes over the tray of sharp smelling alcohol.

It would be something of a perfect moment if only Keith could hear something other than that damned song starting over yet again.

“What’re the rules?” He breathes, shattering the moment as Shiro shakes his head briefly, his gaze returning to their teasing shine as he reaches for the glasses between them.

“Simple,” he says with a shrug as he divvies up the shots until there are an equal amount on either side of the table. Six a piece.

Keith’s stomach turns.  

“I ask a question, if you don’t want to answer, you drink. You ask a question, if I don’t want to answer, I drink.”

It’s said easily, as if it the statement isn’t filled with all the makings of a trap. Shiro was handing Keith the opportunity to make this last as long— or as short— as possible. All he needs to do, is leave all his questions unanswered.

Six shots weren’t that many in the grand scheme of things, after all.

Keith’s certain he’s done more than that before.

Granted, that night had ended in a promise that he’d never drink again.

But hey. He never said he was perfect.

“Easy enough,” he agrees against the better judgement that screamed at him in the form of a strangely Hunk shaped angel on his shoulder. Smiling all teeth, he grabs one of the shot glasses and gathers it between his palms.

He takes a vodka drink, indeed.

“I’m glad we can agree.” A small shiver dances it way down the grooves of his spine as he watched Shiro’s hand fold around his own. “And in a show of good faith, I’ll let you go first.”

Violet catches steel as they eye each other. Lightning gathers along Keith’s skin as he hums lowly in faux thought as he thumbs the lip of his shot glass.

“Why aerospace engineering?” He asks finally, reveling in the way Shiro’s eyes widen at the tameness of the question. It’s a throwaway question meant to test the waters of Shiro’s intent, and Keith is sure he’s found it in the moments of silence that pass before he pulls himself back together to offer a low chuckle as he let’s his head hang with it.

“Would you believe me if I said I just love space?” Shiro asks, open and honest before him, coloring his tone a shimmery shade with a hidden plea to leave it at that. It flushes his system with curiosity as he let’s his eyes openly roam over the Alpha as if he could pull the truth from within his mind before shrugging noncommittally.

“Don’t see why I wouldn’t.” And though he tries to play it off coolly, Keith realizes that he means it. Through the weekly competitions and their short time as essay partners, Shiro had never given him any reason to question his sincerity. It was most of the reason why his heart always seemed to batter itself against the inside of his chest whenever he was near.

Shiro’s fingers rolled the shot glass back and forth within his grasp before he spoke.

“What about you?”

Keith’s reaction is instinctual as his hand twitches around the slick glass. He knows that he should throw it down for the sake of being one shot down and a bit closer to freedom. That would be the smart thing to do.

But there’s a heat pooling in his stomach and licking the inside of his veins and he wants. He wants so badly, that he’s sure he’s going to burn with it.

More importantly, he’s sure he’d enjoy it.

“I want to be free.” The words leave his lips before he can pick them apart. They carry a weight that hangs between them as Shiro nods in understanding that stokes the flames charring his insides.

“There’s something about the idea of making it up there that sounds like the best kind of escape.”

Pausing, he drags his gaze up from the clear liquid in his glass, filling his smile with wickedness  as he winks.

“And I just love space.” It earns him a bright laugh that dances over him as Shiro raises his shot toward him.

“Touché.”

“Why’d you choose the Alphas?” Keith throws out quickly once his laughter has died down, pulling his brow up in question as Shiro swallows down his shot without pause. There’s a sharp click of glass against wood as he drops it on the corner of their table with a hiss.

“Well color me intrigued,” he says with a laugh as Shiro grabs his next victim, shrugging a shoulder as he keeps his eyes down.

“I’d tell you if we were friends but apparently we aren’t.” His smile goes sharp, filled with the same bite as a wolf. It only grows more pointed as his voice dips into nonchalance.

“Which, why don’t you want to be?”

Air seizes in Keith’s throat as panic stings his edges, leaving him buzzing as he tries to swallow it down. Suddenly, the shot warming against his palm feels like bullet as he realizes taking it would only prove he had something to hide.

Though, from the way Shiro’s grin widens, he’s sure he already knows.

“You’re an Alpha,” he tries, ignoring the way his voice sounds strangled even to his own ears. Keith doesn’t even want to imagine what it sounds like to Shiro’s. 

Like the confession he was hoping to avoid, maybe?

The very thought fills his throat with the bitter sting of bile.

Tsking softly, Shiro raises a finger at him and wags it slowly as he falls into mock disapproval, shaking his head in time with each hardened sound.

“That, sounds like a lie, and a lie is two shots,” he says mercilessly as he uses that same shaming finger to push another one of Keith’s shots toward him. It stares up at him, it’s clear stare reveling that of Shiro’s silver as he cuts his glance between the two before he sighs.

At the very least, Shiro is letting it go, and he’ll play by the rules if it meant being able to hide the truth beneath the acrid taste of vodka.

The first shot burns the entire way down.

“Making up rules as we go, are you?” Keith hums, not putting much force behind it as he grabs the second.

It chases the first’s flames with a kamikaze crash.

“Guess you’ll never know.” Shiro’s laugh is kindling to the fire that the vodka has already set, and Keith can feel it snapping and popping as it grows at his core. Mixed with the pleasant buzz of his first beer, there’s a happy kind of tingle that’s making his fingertips feels like lightning clouds as he palms his third shot. It bubbles up within him until he finds himself laughing as well.

He can feel the weight of Shiro’s gaze on him, but he doesn’t care, because in that moment he can pretend that maybe this is something more than two classmates celebrating the end of a partnership neither of them had even asked for.

“Who’s the guy you’re always with?” The next question comes after his laughter has dried up, and it causes him pause as he tilts his head, pulling his brows together in question.

There’s only one person that Shiro could mean, and that’s—

“Hunk?” He asks, though he supposes Shiro wouldn’t actually know. That would make the question moot, though he figures it should be anyway.

Shiro doesn’t have much of a reason to care who his friends are.

“He’s my best friend.”

Silver cuts into him, carving deep grooves into his skin as if he was trying to decide if Keith’s answer is a lie. It tickles his insides and turns his cheeks a light pink as the alcohol makes him warm beneath the stare. Suddenly, Keith wonders if maybe he does have a reason, because something about that look feels exciting.

Feels like maybe Shiro understands the way his fingers are screaming out to touch.

The corner of his mouth twitches up around a smirk as he leans forward on his forearms.

“Why, are you jealous?” He breathes. Shiro holds his gaze as he snatches up his next shot, throwing it back and baring his throat before dropping it in his shot glass graveyard.

A thrill runs through Keith that makes the edges of his vision light as he mirrors his stance and pushes himself forward against the table.

“Do you want me to be?” Shiro returns, barely hiding his smile as Keith opens his throat around another mouthful of vodka. It’s accompanied by the sound of his triumphant laughter mixed with the sweet, dulcet sounds of Tubthumping.

“Why do you want to be my friend so badly?” Keith volleys before the glass hits the wood, not even bothering to drop it by the empties.

The game had gotten interesting, and there was no point in pretense anymore.

Shining steel flicks downward as Shiro considers his words, mulling them over between the teeth he’s running over his bottom lip. And then he’s looking up and painting Keith’s vision a metallic shade as all else falls away. It leaves him feeling light, as if he’s about to float away, and now he remembers why he promised to never do shots again.

“I tried to tell you last year, you’re my type.”

He says it like a summer breeze. As if it were easy. As if it was right. As if it doesn’t set Keith ablaze and fill his lungs with smoke as he shakes his head.

“Lie, take two,” he manages as he tries to smoothly push one of Shiro’s shots toward him. Vodka spills over the side and slicks the table beneath it as he ignores it, instead smearing it along the table top as he pushes the glass further. Everything goes loud around them as Keith finds himself sinking beneath Shiro’s starlight gaze as he searches for something that only he could know.

“My turn,” Shiro’s voice is pitched low as he drops his stare to Keith’s mouth. In a brief moment of clarity, he notices the way it’s gone almost black.

“Kiss me?”

Everything stops and speeds up all at once as Keith finds himself floundering, crushed beneath the question. He should pull away.

He should laugh it off and take his shot.

He should bite back the gasp that has parted his lips.

But this is a game of what he should do, and what he does, and what Keith does, is none of the above.

Instead, he finds himself moving forward, his body propelled by the heat of Absolut and desire until he feels the unyielding pressure of Shiro’s mouth against his. It gathers the glowing heat of a star in his ribcage as they move against each other. Licking into his mouth, Keith steals the moan from Shiro’s tongue as he curls his fingers into the fabric of his shirt to hold him steady.

The new star incinerates his bone and his skin before building him back up and he’s certain he can see new universes glowing against the backs of his eyelids.

It’s too little and all to much as the room starts to burn around him, leaving a single point of clarity in the form of a heated palm against his nape.

That very palm, is the last thing Keith remembers as everything falls away into darkness, leaving nothing but the echo of that god forsaken song in its wake.

You’re never gonna keep me down.

***

Pain slices through Keith’s temple as he’s awakened by the sudden violence of his alarm going off. Eyes flying open as he pushes his way up from his bed, he grabs for the trash just to the side of his bed, managing to get it into his lap before his stomach empties its contents into the bottom of its cheap plastic.

This was it, the big one. The one where he promises to never drink again, and actually means it.

Why was he even taking shots to begin with?

Moments pass as his mind races to catch up with with his pulse that’s racing in his ears before it crashes down around him. Snippets of memory play before his eyes in dark fragments, set to a soundtrack of Chumbawumba.

There had been a strong arm wrapped around his waist that helped him stumble from the bar.

A deep laugh at some bad joke Keith had told.

A steady hand that had pressed into his chest and pushed him into his bed before pulling the covers up to his chin.

There had been the soft brush of lips against his cheek.

Keith’s breath quickens as he presses his fingertips to the crest of his cheek as if to chase the phantom sensation that burns there. Shiro had brought him home.

Shiro had tucked him into bed.

Blanching at the thought, Keith threw his legs over the edge of his bed, ignoring the tug of his blankets as they fall to the floor.

Something bright catches his vision as his eyes are pulled toward a glass on his nightstand. And beside it, two white capsules and a note.

With one hand clutching the trash can to his chest, Keith reaches for the pills, letting his fingers drag over the top of squared letters that sit beneath them. Each blue ink mark is another scar against his ribs as he reads the words.

Take this, and learn how to hold your liquor :)

He’s definitely never drinking again.

Groaning loudly, and wincing at the flare of pain it causes in his temple, Keith tosses the pills into his mouth, ignoring the water as he swallows them down dry to chase after his heart that was still rapidly beating in his throat.

********************

[dwightkschrute]

In 2014 and 2015 I did a my year in review kind of thing where I, of course, reviewed it and accompanied it with a picture from that month. I somehow forgot to post 2016 (until now) and forgot to do it at all for 2017 but unfortunately, I am back with a really disappointing year. I was debating not putting myself through the legit pain of “reviewing” this year but I think of how I love going through my 2009-2010 posts and seeing how much I’ve grown so this is for you, successful and cooler future me.

2016 and 2017 were amazing but 2018 was my most promising year. My boyfriend and I were going to move in, I was going to start my dream job; everything was perfect. It definitely started out as one of the best years of my life! Then exactly halfway through the year everything changed and I was left having to pick up the pieces and completely restart, making it one of the worst years of my life.

I started January in Mexico, which was the best, but my family and I got home early in the month. I had quit my job the month before so I dedicated the entirety of this month to job hunting. Our friend (my bf’s bff who became mine and my brother’s bff early on)’s dad got a boat so it was like we got a boat too because despite the cold, we lived on it. (My boyfriend couldn’t go on the trip with us, which he was super bummed about (and that we had to spend like 10 days apart which was killer then), so he was the one to pick us up at the airport and he greeted me with a bouquet of flowers. Out of the many gifts/gestures he gave me, that was one of my favorites.)

February I started my amazing new job so life was back to 40 hour work weeks and not having much time for much else. I was always attached to the hip to my bf so almost every day after work entailed going out with him or having dinner with my family or his. That was my month. My favorite part of every February is Valentine’s Day and this one was as amazing as the rest. I don’t even have enough space (of the allotted space I give myself for each entry at least!) to describe that day. (My bf at our Valentine’s Day dinner. We finished our long day at this restaurant (so, so cool, once popular with Old Hollywood stars) on Hollywood Blvd and it was dreamy and romantic and amazing.) Oh man, I don’t have a lot of interesting things to say about March. Oh, my parents got Influenza (A/B/idk tbh), so it was two weeks of my brother, bf, and I taking care of them. My dad has a serious chronic disease so it was especially dangerous for him so it was a stressful time. Once we weren’t in hazmat suits anymore (no but really, we were gloved and double masked around them and kept them quarantined), I’d be at work or with my bf. I also started to get close with a co-worker, who I quickly became close friends with! (My bf’s two huskies. I’ve just loved that picture since I took it! I’ve never been loved by a dog more than the one in the back of this pic. Not even by my own! He has a special place in my heart.)

April was barbecues at my house or my bf’s, trying every brewery and bar around, hikes, bike rides, beach visits, baseball games, boat rides, late night cooking and baking. It was lots and lots of love and happiness and I would give absolutely anything to go back to those days. (My brother and bf grilling on Easter. This was a familiar scene, I have so many pictures of this exact scenario, yet looking at it just now made me so emotional! Stop! They’re just grilling!) May was so exciting! Very first day I got a new car! I was so happy! It was long overdue because my finicky, expensive Volkswagen had to go and I’d fallen in love with the new Honda Civic (I’ll admit I have basic taste but I don’t care!) so I finally bit the bullet and did it. This month my bf and I, after a long time of “oh wouldn’t it be nice!”, bit the bullet as well and decided to finally get serious about finding a place together. So the apartment search started, but we soon realized our home, Orange County, was super expensive. My bf, in that “ha ha jk but I’m down if you are” way, suggested we pick up and move to Oregon and I immediately agreed. It just felt right and despite us being the most careful and non-spontaneous people ever, we decided to do it! So we began to research, look for apartments but most importantly, jobs. (My car the day I took it home!)

Uhhhhhh, well, June hurts to think about! We went to visit Portland, where we decided we’d want to live because that’s where the jobs were, on a quick trip since it was strictly “business.” Portland was everything I imagined and more. We loved it and I think we loved playing house in our airbnb more than anything about the city. Back in LAX we came to the easy conclusion that though we lived Portland, that’d require a lot and for our first time moving out we’d like to stay close to home and above anything else, we just wanted to live together as soon as possible. We immediately started to look for places in LA, we spent the month apartment hunting, and towards the end of it, decided on one we really liked, one he begged me to please say yes to so we can move in already. I was so, so, so happy this month but what made me happier was seeing my bf, I swear, even happier than me. I seriously felt unstoppable and was beyond excited for our future. (I had a lot of Portland pictures to choose from but my bf and I liked this one because it reminded us of Always Sunny for some reason.)

In July, everything changed. To start, I left my job. I thought, new chapter in my life, new job coming, I’ll live really far, I should leave now. So I did. My last day was an emotional day because I loved my job so much and every single person I worked with. That very same day, my bf and I broke up. For unrelated reasons to my last day, to our moving in, to our relationship, etc. We had an amazing, amazing relationship but he has a lot of demons and issues/insecurities he has to deal with and conquer, and though I was aware and was there for him and would continue to be by his side no matter what, he decided that this was a battle he had to handle by himself and I figure before he got into a more committed situation. It didn’t have to happen, though. I hadn’t talked about the specifics of the breakup on my blog so  sorry for changing the mood of the post, but yeah, July happened and it felt like my world stopped. Really regret quitting my job now, huh? I was hit by two huge losses and changes right at the same time.  (I took this on my friend’s boat 20 tequila shots in, drunk and sad as fuck. Not to get fake deep but how sad. Literally on a boat, beautiful sunset, would rather die.)

August was a blur and I’m still not convinced I didn’t just dream it. God, alright, here we go, the rest of the year is a mess so get ready. I fell into a deep depression fast. It also didn’t help that my dad had to start getting radiation/infusions for his illness shortly after the breakup. I couldn’t believe how much my life had changed. I started dating someone else and then I dated another guy shortly after. I wanted to replace and/or forget and I really thought that’d be the solution. I was miserable when I was with them. I took absolutely any opportunity to get really drunk or high, and the opportunity came often so I spent most of my days desperately trying to not feel anything. The only time I’d feel okay was when I was extremely high and I couldn’t even think. Since I had a lot of savings for my out of state move, I had a lot of money to blow, which I did. I realized I even liked the feeling of the temporary “high” of spending a lot and receiving the stuff. I’d hang out with any friend who offered (out of boredom? loneliness?) and even ended up on a mess of a Vegas trip. Worst month ever. Maybe. (Here’s a positive! I like that bathing suit and my tiddie looks so round!)

When September came I realized two months had passed and all I had done was be a huge depressed mess. I no joke forgot about work. I just straight up forgot. I started to look for a new job, which hurt me so bad because I had to face the fact that it wouldn’t be my Cool LA Dream Job anymore. I stopped dating. Most importantly, I completely stopped drinking and smoking because it’d almost always make me sadder but also it scared me that I had no self control nor did I care. I saw a whole lot of my close friends and they, along with my immediate family, kept me afloat this month because time felt like it was going so fast. I couldn’t believe that at a blink of an eye it was night again and then a new day. Time had no mercy for me, please let me hold on. (Me at a baseball game. Tbh I’m looking at this thinking, did this really happen?)

October started out nice because my best friend of years, who I unfortunately had a falling out with three years ago, reached out to me. I’ll always give her all of the credit for doing that. I can’t begin to explain what this meant to me. It was a nice, bright shine of light that managed to shine through the dark clouds. Having my best friend is exactly what I needed. I’m a big believer in the universe acting in mysterious ways and though I had grown disappointed in its little surprise for me lately, this was the kind I always appreciate. I spent a good part of that month with her, catching up and doing things just like we did back then. It was like nothing had changed. That’s all I remember about this month, and a super fun Halloween! That day was probably one of the best days in months. (My best friend Rylee and me the first time seeing each other in 3 years. We’ve had our blogs for 8-9 years so please follow her for quality content)

November was rough. I was frustrated because surely things should had been better by then. I was still feeling so low, I was going to job interviews to no avail, I “relapsed” and had a high/drunk off my ass on a boat messy moment.. To make matters worse, I accidentally drove up on a cement divider in a parking lot and my airbags deploy, which is so expensive to fix, so my car was out of commission for a month. Then I got so sick and I rarely ever get a small cold. I seriously felt like I was cursed, even the smallest thing felt like an insult towards me. The one good thing is that since July I had been forcing myself to go to the gym five times a week. My mom said exercising was the only thing that’d help her feel that sweet release of seretonin, endorphins, dopamine, and all that good stuff when she was depressed so, though I enjoyed going to the gym before, I did it just for that reason alone. It worked and as another result I got like pretty fucking fit. Revenge body, you’re one of the few good things in my life right now. (I literally had no idea what to choose so I said fine, here’s a pic of the scene of the crime. Whatever.)

In December I turned 26. Which I hate, naturally. I went to a million more job interviews. I’m seriously so embarrassed to admit that but whatever, it’s the truth. (I have a degree, experience, and an awesome cover letter..I’ll keep blaming the curse!) What kept me sane was that we had different family members visiting from the very beginning of the month. Playing with an energetic, adorable baby kept me distracted and happy. Having so much company around also distracted me (slightly, but it helped!) from the fact that the holidays and my birthday would be quite different now. I’m one of those annoying Christmas lovers, usually at least. This year everything just happened and I didn’t care. But I survived December! (I don’t care. This is the appropriate representation of 2018 and how I feel at the end of it.)

Jesus if you’ve read all of this.. I’m sorry you had to read about the mess of my year but really more like the mess that is ME. Yknow those like “people my age I went to HS with vs me” memes? I seriously went from being that bitch with a good paying job, brand new car, a serious, great relationship with a promising future together (Like. We would color coordinate outfits! LMAO. We would have dinners with both of our families together. We were obsessed with each other. You’d roll your eyes if you saw any of this. I can’t get over how perfect we were, it’s hilarious what happened to us.) and then at the blink of an eye I went to not having absolutely any of that, casually dating (something I’d NEVER done) anyone who resembled my ex and sadly and drunkenly puking off the side of a pier. Who is she? I don’t know, I got whiplash. (Queen of parentheses and side notes, I know. But another thing about me is... I’ve never been affected by people leaving my life. I’m used to it. I’ve never been anywhere as affected as I was when my ex and I broke up. This isn’t normal for me, my ENTJ/Capricorn ass doesn’t know what this feeling is.)

Please curse that has been put on me, release me. Whoever is attacking my voodoo doll, calm down! Please! I’ve gone through enough sadness and loss. If 2019 is even slightly as bad, I’m going to be like that pigeon I reblogged the other day that’s like “fuck this I’m just going to sit here.” I can’t even make a cute but corny, hopeful “hope 2019 is great!” comment. I’m literally begging you...pleading you... I don’t believe in karma but after all of this shit, I better have something much better in stock for me. “Good things are coming!” I fucking hope so. Like, I’ll be even more annoying right now and say that it’s not fair that I didn’t get to have the future I was about to have. I don’t care about any cliche you may have for me. One door closes, everything happens for a reason, God has a plan, etc. No. Why did all of this have to happen? What can be better than the future I was going to have? I felt so unlucky. It all feels like a nightmare and I’m just waiting to feel whole again. Oh shit I got really intense. I know I’ll get over it and life will be good again eventually but for now, I am still so mad. I would have never in a million years guessed this is how my 2018 would go. 

So fine, I’ve accepted things now, so now I’m impatient and say please prove me wrong, 2019. I’m THREATENING you to be amazing!

[vraiesmeufs]

productivité et culpabilité

Récemment, je suis revenue faire un tour sur ce site : le dernier post date d’il y a 2 semaines et le dernier portrait date d’il y a 2 mois.

Tout d’un coup, en faisant ce constat, je suis prise de panique. Qu’est ce que j’ai foutu pendant ces 2 mois pour ne pas sortir un portrait tout en continuant à bosser de manière quotidienne sur ce projet. Plus que de la panique, j’ai été sujette à une culpabilité terrible. Je me sentais coupable de ne pas avoir tenu mes engagements, de ne pas avoir tenu le rythme que je promettais, sans pourtant que personne ne soit venu me voir pour me réclamer du contenu.

En fait, la personne envers qui je ressens le plus de culpabilité est moi même.

En méditant sur ma vie, je me rends compte que je passe toute la journée à tout remettre en question et à me rappeler que je ne suis pas assez bien. Le matin, je me dis que j’aurais du me lever plus tôt et sortir plus vite de chez moi. A l’école, je regrette de ne pas fournir plus d’efforts dans mes études. A la bibliothèque, je regrette de ne pas réussir cet exercice. En allant chercher les développements de mes photos, je regrette de ne pas avoir fait de meilleures photos. En relisant un article, je regrette qu’il ne soit pas mieux écrit. Et en allant me coucher le soir, je regrette de ne pas avoir fini tout ce qui était noté sur ma to do list.

Je me rends compte que la vie que je vis n’est qu’un long chemin de regret et de culpabilité.

Je profite donc d’un voyage loin de la capitale pour me remettre en question sur ma culpabilité constante : je n’ai jamais autant évolué que lors de ces deux dernières années mais par la même occasion, je n’ai jamais autant été aussi peu fière de moi au quotidien.  Par exemple, j’ai passé aujourd’hui une excellente journée où je me suis promenée et où j’ai profité de ma famille mais en rentrant chez moi, je me sentais très mal parce que ma journée n’était pas productive. 

Entreprendre, ça a l’air cool et facile, encore plus dans l’époque étrange dans laquelle on vit où c’est hype de bosser comme un taré. Sauf que entreprendre veut aussi dire ne pas avoir de patron : si demain, je décide de complètement arrêter de bosser sur ce projet, personne ne me demandera de compte ou me virera. C’est pourquoi la pression que je me mets est d’autant plus importante que mis à part moi, personne ne peut me la donner.

On vit dans une société où chaque minute de la vie doit être productive et où il faut constamment lutter contre ces fléaux que sont la procrastination et l’oisiveté. Cette société du hustle où on admire les gens qui travaillent 24/7 et qui ont de l’ambition ne rends pas les choses facile. Beaucoup de gens m’ont déjà complimenté sur le fait que j’étais une bosseuse. Est-ce vraiment un compliment ? Tout le monde court partout, boit des cafés comme si sa vie en dépendait et a un emploi du temps de ministre. “Productive” pour moi signifie avancer sur les cours ou sur mes projets (en particulier VraiesMeufs), mais est-ce la bonne définition ? Une journée oisive où je recharge les batteries et où je profite des personnes que l’on aime fait aussi partie du processus de productivité. Ce n’est pas derrière un ordi qu’on trouve l’inspiration et la motivation de faire ce que l’on veut.

Je m’engage donc à ce jour de ne plus culpabiliser pour ce que je fais. Je fais déjà mon maximum et c’est cool. Parfois, je fais 10 choses dans la même journée, parfois je n’en fais pas une seule. Mais je ne m’en voudrais plus : même les low moments permettent, en libérant du temps à ne rien faire, d’apporter de nouvelles idées, de meilleurs réflexions et donc de nourrir mon processus de création et de travail. D’autant plus que, je ne pense pas que vous me suivez en vous attendant à du contenu toutes les semaines avec une tolérance zéro. Je viendrais des fois à l’avance, des fois à l’heure et des fois en retard, sans aucune justification et à chaque fois plus solide qu’avant.

ENGLISH VERSION (translated by Sophie)

PRODUCTIVITY AND GUILT

Recently, I came back on this website: the last post was two weeks ago, and the last portrait was two months old. All of a sudden, realizing this, I was overcome by panic. What the hell was I doing for two months, not being able to come out with a single new portrait, while still working daily on this project? More than panic, I felt terribly guilty. I felt guilty of not being able to stick to my commitments, of not being able to keep up the pace I promised in the first place, even though no one ever came to me to demand content.

In fact, the person I blame the most is myself.

While contemplating my life, I realize I spend my days questioning anything and everything, and reminding myself I am not good enough. In the morning, I tell myself I should have woken up earlier so I could come out of the house quicker. At school, I regret not trying harder in the way I study. At the library, I regret not succeeding in an exercise. When going to get my photos printed, I regret not taking better photos. When re-reading one of my articles, I regret the fact that it wasn’t written better. When going to sleep at night, I regret not finishing everything that was on my to-do list.

I realize that the life I lead is merely a long road filled with regret and guilt.

So I take advantage of the time I spend traveling away from Paris to re-evaluate myself and the guilt I constantly feel: I’ve never evolved as much as I did in the last two years, but in the same time, I’ve never been less proud of myself on a daily basis. For example, today was an excellent day for me, I went out and had a good time with my family, but when I came home I felt extremely bad because it hasn’t been a productive day.

To begin projects sounds cool and easy, even more in this strange era in which it is “hype” to work like crazy. But to begin a project by yourself also means not having a boss: if tomorrow I decide to quit this project, no one will hold me accountable nor fire me. That’s why the pressure I put on myself is even more important, because apart from me, no one will do it. We live in a society where every minute of your life has to be productive and where you must constantly fight against the scourge that are procrastination and idleness. This hustle society in which people who have ambition and work 24/7 are looked up to, does not make things any easier. Many people have complimented me before, for being a “hard worker”. Is that really a compliment? Everybody’s running around all the time, having drinks as if their life depends on it, with full schedules. To me, being “productive” means being on track with my studies or my projects (specifically VraiesMeufs), but is that the real definition? An uneventful day during which I rest and spend time with the people I love is also part of the process of productiveness. Sitting behind a laptop is not where you find inspiration and motivation to do what you want.

From now on, I commit to not blaming myself for my actions. I try my best and that’s cool. Sometimes I’ll do ten different things in a single day, and sometimes I won’t do one. But I won’t blame myself: even the low moments, freeing time to not do anything in particular, allow for new ideas. They allow for better reflections, and they feed my creative and work process. What is more, I don’t believe you follow me on this website expecting content every week with zero tolerance. Sometimes I’ll be early, sometimes I’ll be on time, and some other times I’ll be late, without justification and each time stronger than the last.

[aloneinthis-world]

Im stuck in the abyss again. I didnt think Id find myself here ever again. Maybe moderate versions, but not as severe as what I felt years ago. Its disturbing. You work so hard in therapy and practice so much to become better. Its frustrating when one thing can make you crumble into billions of tiny, fragile pieces. But is it one thing, or is it multiple things? Were they building up slowly one by one? Was I trying to ignore everything and look past it using my trauma responses? When will I ever learn? Why dont I love myself? Why is it so hard? The more time I spend alone with myself, the more I hate myself. I dont feel like I deserve to be loved. I wouldnt have been abandoned by the people that I love. I wouldnt have been thrown to the side or mistreated if I was good enough. Years ago I was convinced it was because of my weight, or because I didnt wear enough makeup or wear enough stylish clothing. I craved for attention I never received, I wanted my love to be reciprocated for once. After starving myself, making myself puke after eating, cutting myself, abusing drugs, giving my body to men who pressured me into it, and trying to end my life- there was no relief. There was relief in the short times it was happening. The drugs numbed me too well. I lost myself completely. It was fine for a while. I was able to deal with giving up my body for some peace and quiet from my mind. But it also meant losing my mind being with you. You should have left me to die. You were selfish when you tried to save me. You wanted a clear conscience. With the things you did to me, you will never get that clear conscience. You can lie to yourself all you want. You can paint me as the monster, but you were the one who thought you had rights to my body. I was a hole to you. I was at my lowest lows. I needed to be committed. I needed to be on meds. You gaslit me. You took advantage of me. You abused me. Im disgusted to have ever stooped so low to thinking I loved you.

Back to present day. I still feel the same. Medicated, but still revisiting those dark places I once feared. I want to be happy. I want to be content. I dont want to be scared. I want to be loved unconditionally. I want to be told every second of the day. I dont want to be abandoned. I dont want to be tossed to the side. I dont want to be ignored. I dont want to be gaslit. I want to be told how much I mean to you. I want to be told how much you love me. Do you even miss me? How important am I to you? Why would you leave me? You know how much I’m hurting. You are the villain. You made promises you wouldnt leave. Youre gone now. I dont know if well be able to go back to how we were before you left. Why cant I let this go? Why cant I be easy going? Why cant I be the relaxed spouse? I want to be craved. I want to feel wanted. I want to be told how much Im loved. All I feel is forgotten. I could be dead in a ditch for all you care. My father abandoned me, and I cant help but feel abandoned by you. Why do I seek make attention so much? What is wrong with me? What is so special about them? Is it my lack of it throughout my whole life? I want to be free. I want to be careless. The only way I can do that is when I’m doing any form of self harm. I dont know. Im alone. No one understands me. No matter how hard I try, its impossible. I feel so lost. I feel so sad. I feel so hopeless. Im tired of crying. Im tired of feeling this way. I just want it to end. Im scared ill be falling back into old habits. I cant though. I need to finish school. I need to get my successful job. But I keep reading that rejection email from that job I applied to last week and I feel defeat already. I have other applications, but I cant help but be negative.

Im tired of hearing you rant about him. I feel like such a bad person for saying that. But is it my trauma response thats making me want to forget it and not deal with it, or is it a valid reason? Im tired. I get you’re grieving, i wish i could take away your pain. I can only imagine the pain that he has caused you is not near the pain he has caused me. I admire you for putting on a strong front. But its okay to not be okay. I wish I could cry all day and get it out. But it seems everytime I cry My body tried to convince myself not to. What is wrong with me?

I just want someone to understand me. Its too much. I wish someone was going through the same exact thing as me. I dont want to feel so alone anymore. I dont want to slip back into the dark place. Why cant I be happy?

[voraginous-blog]

==>Vriska: Visit Dave.

((Long log RP where Dave and Vriska talk about things and just be generally cute. @1neffabl3))

[10:21] -- aquarelleGrandiloquence [AG] arrives almost exactly fifteen minutes later, appearifying with a bag of sweets to go with their coffee. She looks frustrated and tired, but gives him a smirk anyway when she steps from the platform. --

[10:21] AG: I got snacks.

[10:22] -- tactileGrandiloquence [TG] turns quickly towards the platform when the transportalizer goes off, giving Vriska a small smile. Two coffee cups in his hands, he walks towards her from the kitchen gesturing one at her. --

[10:22] TG: i see. thank you. i forgot about the snack part. got two cups of coffee. you need cream in yours?

[10:23] AG: I'll drink it str8 this time. What did you want to talk a8out?

[10:24] TG: i just wanted to talk in person about the the stuff that we talked about. like the me being real thing, and the dirk thing, and everything pretty much. i just wanted to see you, too.

[10:25] -- aquarelleGrandiloquence [AG] takes her coffee with a heavy sigh, sipping it while eyeing him over the rim of the cup. --

[10:25] AG: It's not that deep.

[10:25] AG: None of it is.

[10:27] -- tactileGrandiloquence [TG] takes a sip as well, then another, exhaling nervously after swallowing the coffee. --

[10:27] TG: i know its not /that/ deep, but i still just wanted to talk about it. im curious. i know curiosity kills the cat, but satisfaction will bring it right back.

[10:27] TG: im the cat in this situation.

[10:27] TG: did you talk about this whole thing with sollux?

[10:28] AG: No. I only warned him like I warned you.

[10:30] TG: about whats going on in a day?

[10:34] -- aquarelleGrandiloquence [AG] brushes by him with a nod, her lips pursed when she glances back at him after sitting down on the nearer couch. --

[10:34] AG: Dave that's also not that deep.

[10:34] AG: Your 8rother is an asshole and he's messed with the wrong person. I don't want you thinking I'm trying to white knight you or something.

[10:35] -- tactileGrandiloquence [TG] purses his lips together in return, taking another sip of his coffee and leaning against the kitchen counter with his elbows. --

[10:36] TG: its a little deep. youre putting your life at risk here, you know? i think thats pretty deep.

[10:36] AG: It's not!

[10:36] TG: i dont think youre trying to white knight me. i just feel bad as us being together was the instigator for the fight happening, and part of me feels guilty. but i already mentioned that.

[10:38] -- aquarelleGrandiloquence [AG] scoffs at his wording, rolling her eyes over her coffee cup again. --

[10:38] AG: Now you're looking too deeply into it.

[10:40] -- tactileGrandiloquence [TG] rolls his eyes back at her, taking another long sip from his cup. He opens his mouth to reply, pauses, and shuts it, mulling over some thoughts in his head. --

[10:40] TG: how am i looking to deep into this?

[10:42] AG: He pro8a8ly.

[10:42] AG: Thinks that this will 8e some grand gesture of how humans are 8etter than us to 8egin with.

[10:43] AG: He's pro8a8ly just using you as an excuse so he doesn't look 8ad over it.

[10:43] AG: He o8viously h8s us, Dave.

[10:44] TG: i know he does. he makes it very clear whenever you guys deign to step on his toes about anything. i dont know why. hes ranted about it before but i never know what to say, or how to reply. i always have the words fall out of my throat when he talks about that kind of stuff.

[10:44] TG: if it was some grand gesture though, i dont think hed use me for it.

[10:48] AG: You think he's actually 8rave enough to just kill one of us to prove a point?

[10:52] TG: i dont think he would, but he might fuck one of us up real bad.

[10:56] -- aquarelleGrandiloquence [AG] crosses her legs, the cup resting in her hands against her thigh. The only sounds from her for a while are the quiet taps of her claws against the stoneware as she tries to keep it together. --

[10:56] AG: Dave I... listen. I really sincerely think he plans on just killing me outright and if he does, I pro8a8ly had it coming for taking his 88. 8ut if he does I really don't want you to do anything stupid.

[10:56] AG: You have to make sure Sollux doesn't.

[10:58] -- tactileGrandiloquence [TG] furrows his eyebrows with a long sigh and finishes the rest of his coffee, setting the empty mug on the counter with a soft 'clink' of ceramic on marble. He hesitates for a brief moment before walking over and sitting on the couch next to Vriska. --

[10:58] TG: i dont know if he has the guts to kill you outright, though. has it been determined if youre allowed to use your abilities?

[10:58] TG: i wont do anything stupid.

[10:58] TG: ill try to stop sollux, but i dont know if ill be able to.

[11:01] -- aquarelleGrandiloquence [AG] looks at him for a moment before dropping her gaze to the cup. --

[11:01] AG: I won't use my powers 8ecause I don't need to.

[11:01] AG: I already called him a coward for hiding 8ehind his god tier.

[11:02] TG: his god tier is probably the only reason he thinks he can take you at all.

[11:09] AG: I don't know.

[11:09] AG: I haven't even talked to Nepeta a8out it yet.

[11:10] TG: i think you should at least tell her its going to happen.

[11:10] TG: is it tomorrow?

[11:10] AG: I think the day after tomorrow, since it happened this morning in earth time.

[11:13] TG: then id tell nepeta tomorrow, if you can.

[11:13] TG: she needs to know.

[11:14] AG: I know.

[11:14] AG: 8ut I don't want her getting angry with me.

[11:15] -- aquarelleGrandiloquence [AG] shrugs, her lips pursed again. --

[11:16] -- tactileGrandiloquence [TG] shrugs at her shrug, putting his hands on his knees afterwards and fiddling with the fabric of his jeans. --

[11:16] TG: i think shed be more angry if you didnt tell her, or told her at the last minute.

[11:16] TG: i know that she probably doesnt want you to fight, but if you told her why she might be more understanding.

[11:18] -- aquarelleGrandiloquence [AG] scoffs again, softly. This time more to herself. He can't see the frown tugging at her lips through the curtain of her hair but it's deep and full of pain. --

[11:18] AG: How could he say things a8out you like that?

[11:18] AG: Do you even care?

[11:22] -- tactileGrandiloquence [TG] eyebrows furrow deeper at her question. It took him by surprise, that's for sure. He takes a few moments to collect his thoughts, his brain whirring at a mile a minute. --

[11:22] TG: i think at this point im just used to it, thats all. it doesnt even register until its too late, and im already upset.

[11:25] AG: Fight 8ack.

[11:25] -- aquarelleGrandiloquence [AG] speaks the words softly, almost nothing but a whisper. --

[11:29] TG: how? with words? with phsyical fighting?

[11:30] TG: im weak, vriska. dirk knows exactly what buttons to push to make me back off. i can try to fight back though ive just.

[11:30] -- tactileGrandiloquence [TG] pauses, closing his eyes thoughtfully. --

[11:30] TG: never thought about it.

[11:32] AG: You aren't weak, stupid.

[11:32] AG: Don't 8e a coward.

[11:32] -- aquarelleGrandiloquence [AG] looks up finally, glaring at him. --

[11:32] AG: I don't fall for cowards.

[11:36] -- tactileGrandiloquence [TG] falls silent at her words, eyes wide. --

[11:36] TG: fall for?

[11:39] -- aquarelleGrandiloquence [AG] clicks her tongue, standing suddenly. --

[11:39] AG: It's not that deep.

[11:39] TG: i know its not that deep but. just surprised.

[11:39] TG: i wont be a coward anymore.

[11:40] AG: Stand up to him then! Tell him you're pissed a8out what he said!

[11:41] TG: now?

[11:41] AG: Whenever.

[11:41] TG: soon.

[11:41] -- aquarelleGrandiloquence [AG] sighs. --

[11:42] -- tactileGrandiloquence [TG] looks over at Vriska with a worried look. He clasps his hands together and wrings them anxiously. --

[11:42] TG: i. in the morning.

[11:42] TG: i promise.

[11:42] AG: Don't do it for me. Do it for yourself.

[11:42] TG: im doing it for myself.

[11:43] TG: youve just given me the kick in the ass to do it.

[11:43] AG: Good!!!!!!!!

[11:43] TG: im. sorry.

[11:43] -- tactileGrandiloquence [TG] sighs. --

[11:45] AG: For what now?

[11:45] TG: im sorry for being like this tonight. i dont mean to be like this. im nervous about confronting him (as i always am), im nervous for YOU, im nervous about a lot of things. i just. can you stay the night tonight? you dont have to if you have things to do.

[11:49] -- aquarelleGrandiloquence [AG] blinks, her arms crossing under her chest. --

[11:49] AG: If you want me to I will. For as long as I can at least.

[11:50] TG: i do want you to. thats why i asked, silly.

[11:50] TG: you dont mind?

[11:50] AG: Nah. It 8eats sitting around in my quarters stewing all light.

[11:50] AG: Just.

[11:50] TG: you can instead stew here, with me.

[11:50] -- aquarelleGrandiloquence [AG] looks him in the eyes with a steady gaze. --

[11:51] AG: Don't read into it too much, okay?

[11:51] -- tactileGrandiloquence [TG] returns her stare, nodding at her request. --

[11:51] TG: i wont read into it at all. pinky promise.

[11:52] AG: Okay good. I wouldn't want you getting too attached right 8efore I might not 8e around anymore.

[11:53] -- aquarelleGrandiloquence [AG] smiles slightly, moving to sit right beside him. --

[11:53] TG: i mean, it might be too late for that, considering im asking you to stay and keep me company, but dont read into that too much, alright?

[11:53] -- tactileGrandiloquence [TG] returns her smile with one of his own, reaching up and freeing his hair from his ponytail, shaking it free. --

[11:58] -- aquarelleGrandiloquence [AG] chuckles softly, leaning over to wrap her arms around him tightly. --

[11:58] AG: I hope it isn't too l8.

[11:58] TG: too l8 for what?

[11:58] AG: Attachment.

[12:00] TG: i hope its not either.

[12:00] -- tactileGrandiloquence [TG] tentatively places a tiny kiss on her forehead. very tentatively! --

[12:01] -- aquarelleGrandiloquence [AG] glances up at him, a sincere smile stretched across her lips. He should consider himself lucky, being one of three people to have ever seen it. --

[12:05] -- tactileGrandiloquence [TG] smiles back when her smile stretches across her face. She looks absolutely radiant. His cheeks are tinted a subtle red in the dim light of his apartment. He places another kiss on her forehead, firmer this time. --

[12:09] -- aquarelleGrandiloquence [AG] laughs softly, reaching up to poke his nose. --

[12:09] AG: 8y the way.

[12:09] AG: You're too warm.

[12:14] TG: you like how warm i am. im like a sexy version of a hot water bottle.

[12:14] -- tactileGrandiloquence [TG] kisses the tip of her nose at her poking his! --

[12:19] -- aquarelleGrandiloquence [AG] rolls her eyes, shoving him away without much force behind it. --

[12:19] AG: Don't get ahead of yourself.

[12:20] TG: ahead of myself how! why are you booing me. im right! im the sexiest water bottle youll ever meet.

[12:20] -- tactileGrandiloquence [TG] winks! --

[12:20] -- aquarelleGrandiloquence [AG] scoffs loudly, throwing herself against the couch with a groan. --

[12:20] AG: Oh gr8, now he's putting on airs.

[12:21] TG: me? put on airs? how very unexpected! theres an impostor in the house.

[12:22] -- tactileGrandiloquence [TG] continues winking before breaking off into a fit of laughter. --

[12:27] -- aquarelleGrandiloquence [AG] groans as she slides off the couch onto the floor, acting as if she's dying from his antics. --

[12:27] AG: Gross, you're too much. I take it 8ack I'm going 8ack to the ship.

[12:27] TG: no you arent. my antics are just enough for you. this is the perfect primetime entertainment to fill up your night.

[12:28] AG: Oh no, I'm getting up as soon as I can gather the strength to go.

[12:28] TG: the strength?

[12:30] AG: I'm dying.

[12:30] TG: of?

[12:31] AG: Em8arrassment.

[12:31] TG: embarrassed? of what? how charming and wonderful and cool i am?

[12:31] -- tactileGrandiloquence [TG] slides down from the couch next to Vriska, running his hand through his hair with a smile. --

[12:32] -- aquarelleGrandiloquence [AG] pouts at him. --

[12:32] AG: You keep saying words I just can't quite understand.

[12:33] -- tactileGrandiloquence [TG] sneaks a quick kiss on her cheek. --

[12:34] TG: what words would you understand to convey how cool i am?

[12:36] AG: Ones usually starting with an N and ending in erd.

[12:37] -- aquarelleGrandiloquence [AG] plants her hand on his face, pushing him away gently. --

[12:37] TG: you cant trick me. that just means nerd!

[12:38] -- aquarelleGrandiloquence [AG] pushes him even farther. --

[12:38] AG: Exactly.

[12:39] TG: hey.

[12:39] -- tactileGrandiloquence [TG] blinks in surprise. --

[12:39] TG: did i say something wrong?

[12:47] AG: No you're just 8eing a huge nerd.

[12:48] TG: YOURE being a huge nerd. its huge nerd city right now, population us.

[12:48] AG: I shouldn't have 8een counted in this census.

[12:49] TG: you did because youre just as big a nerd as i am, if not bigger. our nerd auras rival each other in strength every day.

[12:50] -- aquarelleGrandiloquence [AG] groans again, hiding her face in her hands. --

[12:50] AG: Em8arrassing...

[12:52] TG: it isnt. no need to be embarrassed. youre among friends and fellow nerds.

[12:53] -- tactileGrandiloquence [TG] extends a hand out for her to take, if she'd like. --

[12:54] -- aquarelleGrandiloquence [AG] grumbles, taking it with a devious expression playing around her lips. --

[12:55] AG: Well if you say so.

[12:56] TG: whats that look for?

[12:56] AG: What look?

[12:56] TG: that look!

[12:57] AG: This is my regular face.

[12:58] TG: your regular face isnt as devious as this one.

[12:58] AG: So you say.

[12:59] TG: i do say! what are you planning, vriska?

[12:59] AG: Nothing!

[12:59] -- aquarelleGrandiloquence [AG] stands up, brushing herself off. --

[12:59] AG: Why do you think I have something planned?

[12:59] -- tactileGrandiloquence [TG] shrugs, looking up at her from his spot on the floor. --

[01:00] TG: a devious face usually means a plan, but i could be wrong.

[01:01] -- aquarelleGrandiloquence [AG] blows him a kiss. --

[01:01] AG: It might.

[01:01] -- tactileGrandiloquence [TG] blows her a kiss back with a smile. --

[01:01] TG: give me a hint?

[01:03] AG: Nope!

[01:03] TG: vriska! 8(

[01:03] -- tactileGrandiloquence [TG] stands up quickly, crossing his arms with a pout. --

[01:04] -- aquarelleGrandiloquence [AG] shrugs, turning away with a flip of her hair. --

[01:04] AG: You'll find out when you're older.

[01:04] TG: im plenty old, vriska. arent we about the same age?

[01:04] -- tactileGrandiloquence [TG] pauses. --

[01:05] TG: are you really leaving?

[01:05] -- aquarelleGrandiloquence [AG] glances over her shoulder, frowning a little. --

[01:05] AG: No I'm not.

[01:05] AG: 8ut I'm tired.

[01:06] -- tactileGrandiloquence [TG] nods, biting his lip, before gesturing to the bedroom. --

[01:06] TG: you can always go to bed, if youd like. i dont know if you use beds? some trolls do, right?

[01:06] AG: I do.

[01:07] -- aquarelleGrandiloquence [AG] offers her hand with sarcastic daintiness. --

[01:07] AG: Lead the way, sir knight.

[01:07] -- tactileGrandiloquence [TG] smiles and gently takes her hand, leading her towards the very soft, plush bed in the middle of his bedroom. A few candles are flickering on his bedside table. --

[01:08] TG: here you are, my thief.

[01:08] -- aquarelleGrandiloquence [AG] snorts, throwing herself into the bed without much thought. --

[01:08] AG: Ah sleep.

[01:08] TG: you want me to go to bed with you now or slide in when youre asleep? i can write until i hear snoring.

[01:09] AG: I don't snore!!!!!!!!

[01:09] AG: Do what you want, asshat.

[01:09] TG: you definitely snore. 8;)

[01:09] AG: I do not.

[01:09] TG: prove it! im the only one thats able to hear it right now, and boy, do i definitely hear it.

[01:09] -- tactileGrandiloquence [TG] smiles! --

[01:10] -- aquarelleGrandiloquence [AG] rolls her eyes, burying her face in a pillow as she flips him the bird. --

[01:11] AG: I don't snore 8ut you sure do!

[01:20] TG: proof! i need solid proof of this!

[01:21] AG: Oh no I just know you do. It's pretty 8ad.

[01:27] TG: i can 100% guarentee that mine is much more palatable than yours. youre sawing wood all night long, vriska.

[01:27] -- tactileGrandiloquence [TG] smiles, his tone teasing. --

[01:29] -- aquarelleGrandiloquence [AG] clicks her tongue, shaking her head against the pillow. --

[01:29] AG: You wound me.

[01:30] TG: im just teasing. we both snore at the same volume.

[01:30] AG: Or may8e neither of us snore.

[01:31] TG: hm. that could be the case, but then my teasing would have no weight!

[01:32] -- tactileGrandiloquence [TG] sits down on the bed with a soft sigh, running a hand through his hair. --

[01:32] TG: its sleep time for the both of us, i think.

[01:38] -- aquarelleGrandiloquence [AG] nods, glancing up at him. --

[01:38] AG: Good idea.

[01:39] TG: im full of them.

[01:39] AG: De88a8le.

[01:39] -- tactileGrandiloquence [TG] smiles lazily, mussing his hair with a yawn before leaning over and giving her a cheek kiss. --

[01:39] TG: no de88 here. just facts.

[01:39] -- aquarelleGrandiloquence [AG] turns her head at the last moment to make it a kiss kiss, and then smirks. --

[01:40] -- tactileGrandiloquence [TG] blushes! --

[01:40] -- aquarelleGrandiloquence [AG] pats the bed. --

[01:40] AG: Come on, I'm tired.

[01:41] -- tactileGrandiloquence [TG] nods, wiggling out of his shirt and pants to slide on a pair of pj pants, before sliding under the covers next to Vriska. --

[01:41] -- aquarelleGrandiloquence [AG] wiggles over to rest against his chest. --

[01:41] AG: Goodnight Dave.

[01:41] TG: goodnight vriska. leave me a note if you leave before i wake up.

[01:43] AG: I will.

[01:43] TG: thank you. sleep good.

[01:44] -- aquarelleGrandiloquence [AG] closes her eyes, dozing almost instantly. --

[01:44] AG: I will...

[01:44] -- tactileGrandiloquence [TG] smiles softly, giving the crown of her head a soft sleep before passing out himself. --