#also December was straight up hell so it got me out of some habits and I'm STILL trying to recover from that month oof

[for-the-glory-of-trash]

Hello, sorry for disappearing for several months! When If I do that again, feel free to poke me on my other blog. (@yogurtbear242 )

[genesisrose74]

Christmas With the Karasuno Boys (HC’s)!!

Part 2: Kageyama, Hinata, Tsukishima, Yamaguchi, Kinoshita, & Narita

Part 1 (Daichi, Suga, Asahi, Nishinoya, Tanaka, & Ennoshita) here!

A/n: Tumblr said my word count was too much so I’m splitting this bad boi up into two parts :p Enjoy!!

*****

Kageyama

This boy has a secret soft side for Christmas istg

He HATES showing it to other people on his team and shit

But holy bejeezus he is mesmerized by the holiday in every way possible

Lights, sweets, snow, just like,,, the general magic of December is the most awe-inspiring thing to him

Since he is still a sporty and pretty active mofo, you decided to fuel that on your holiday-themed date as Kags had noted that he’d never gone sledding before

Your jaw was on the FLOOR when he first told you because he would 10000% enjoy the hell out of it

And so you dragged him out to this popular sledding hill that you frequented as a child and taught him what to do

Not gonna lie, he was kind of nervous

“Well you’re experienced at it. I don’t wanna mess up”

🥺🥺🥺 bubby

“You won’t, Tobio! I can already tell you’re gonna be a sledding pro”

Feels a little better after that, but he asks you to help him out for his first run down the hill

He sits behind you with his arms secured snugly around your waist and his head nestled on top of your shoulder

Which would probably seem really funny to passerby because this boy is tol and intimidating in most other situations

As soon as the sled started down, Kags tightened his grip and made this cute little yelp of surprise

But you were laughing insanely hard at the combination of going really fast downhill whilst also having your boyfriend cling to you for dear life

And then when the sled stopped safely at the bottom he started to chuckle

FULL ON, GENUINE SOUND OF ENJOYMENT

That shit is rare

Y’all stayed at that hill for half the day because it was so fun

You got him a new, very high quality athletic roller for Christmas because his old one was just not cutting it anymore

And you also gave him this really cute bracelet with a volleyball, his jersey number, and a little strawberry milk set of charms attached to it

It matched this really pretty and subtle chain he’d bought for your birthday

His blueberry eyes got all wide with affection dfjdskfjsdk—

Got super blushy and couldn’t get a handle on his speech for a fat minute

He thinks you’re the coolest person ever no I do not take criticism

Geez you’re both adorable together, ideal “stoic boy becomes warmer during the holidays around his love” movie plot and I love it

Hinata

He is all in on Christmas. Not a chance this boy doesn’t get excited as hell

Will openly go into holiday mode as soon as November is over

Was secretly already listening to his Christmas playlist before then

He is one of the sweetest gift givers, that is FACTUAL

If you want something really badly, he will take notice and get it as your present immediately

He’ll also gift you an extra thing that’s handmade 🥺

Like some pastries that his mom helped him make, or a specially made basket of soaps with your favorite scents in it

It’s absolutely adorable and you cherish those ones especially

Is happy if you simply get him something; mans doesn’t care what it is

New practice volleyball? A brand new sweatshirt? Elated either way

You had seen an advertisement for a friendly match between Japan and Poland’s men’s volleyball teams, so you waited online on the ticket sales website until the minute it opened

Spoiler alert: you got some banger seats 😌✨

Shoyo may or may not have tackled you when he read the ticket details, letting out his excited giggle (you know the one)

“I can’t believe you got these, angel! You’re coming with me, right? You’ve gotta! Thank you, thank you, thank you!”

Gives you sweet little kisses between each individual ‘thank you’

“Of course I’ll go with you, Sho! I’m really glad you like it!”

He will give you the brightest smile of all time — that shit makes Christmas lights pale in comparison

“Have I told you how much I love you?”

RIGHT BACK AT YOU BBY

Hold his hands to warm up together when temperatures drop pls :)))

It’s become a weekly December tradition to watch a Christmas movie with Natsu at the Hinata household

She’ll sit in your lap while the three of you are cuddled under a blanket together, and Shoyo will lace his fingers with yours all discreetly

In conclusion, I am a sucker for holiday Hinata 🥺🥺🥺

Tsukishima

His room is decorated to the very minimum simply because his mom and brother had insisted on him being festive

You know those holiday instrumentals that are really calming and jazzy and stuff? Yeah, that’s the only Christmas music he will tolerate in his house

While he’s still got his usual icy demeanor, this blond bitch does get slightly less snippy with the Karasuno boys

Is always on the nose with getting you the exact thing you wanted for a present

Like,,, TO THE SMALLEST DETAIL

You don’t even have to bring that shit up beforehand, he just KNOWS

“Tsukki, how did you—?”

“It’s pretty obvious, with the way that one ad kept showing up on your phone.”

b r u h

How does he pay such good attention without even letting on??

As for his own present, you’ll usually get him two: one gag gift and one more serious gift

His dino plush collection size is partly due to the former’s contributions this time of year

Yes the dinos have names

You exchanged gifts on Christmas Eve with all the team (you made him go) and he saved your more serious one for last

It was a scarf that you’d gotten custom made, which had a Spotify code knitted into the fabric

Scanning the code opened the app to a playlist you’d created especially for him

He got pretty quiet when figuring it out and scrolling through the playlist

Would let out a certified Tsukki Nose Exhale™ when he came across certain songs

The more subdued reaction was expected because it’s Tsukishima

His little chuckles and warmer eyes were enough of a giveaway to tell you he very much enjoyed your gift

But on the walk home, he took the scarf and wrapped it around you both, and then brought his arm around your waist

“Thank you.”

You deadass almost combusted because it was so unexpected??

“You’re welcome. Merry Christmas, Kei”

Way to respond calm and collected 😌👍

But on the inside your body was in freak out mode

He wears the scarf all the time jdfsklfjdsk

Yamaguchi

Take the most tooth rotting fluff you could imagine

And then double that and put a fucking cherry on top

That’s the equivalent of what Christmas is like with Yama Yama

Y’all are like kids in a candy store — literally

For your Christmas dates it’s all about sweets and shared giggles, so frequent trips to the candy and baking isles of the grocery store is a must

Making gingerbread houses, peppermint tasting (mostly trying those different and wild ass candy cane flavors), you name it and it’s there

Stomach aches? I don’t know her

Yeah you do but they go away with enough butterfly kisses 🥰

Tadashi is exceptionally good at decorating gingerbread houses for whatever reason

He put a poll on his instagram between yours and his final products and he won by a landslide

It’s not like yours was necessarily bad, more like he’s just an icing master

You also might have eaten too many gumdrops which left your rooftop lacking in ✨spice✨

But it’s okay because Tadashi donated some of his leftovers to you

He’s such a sweetheart uwu

Please for the love of everything get him something heartfelt as his present

You know those long distance bracelets for couples?

Basically if your s/o taps the icon on the bracelet it’ll send a little vibration to the other person’s as a notice that you’re thinking about them

This boy seeks constant reassurance, and you love to give him his deserved love and validation, so it was the perfect present

It takes a second for him to figure out what it is, but after reading the directions and testing it out, the most adorable smile erupted on his face

And then since you already had yours on, he tapped the little icon again with a giggle

“Hey there”

It becomes common habit to tap it at least once every couple hours

GOD HE IS SO CUTE

He is just so soft this time of year, give him all the love and he will return it tenfold ☺️

Kinoshita

This boy is absolutely an awkward cutie and an avid romantic

Give him the cliches and he will eat em up, no doubt

It naturally gets more apparent around the holidays

He’ll take you on pretty winter walks, give you lots of little gifts (while blushing a hell of a lot), and is just a professional at stumbling upon some mistletoe

Wow wonder how it got there, Hisashi

He’s quite a bit more confident when simply alone with you than in a crowded space

And that definitely shows when he takes you out on a secluded sleigh ride around town

Yeah you heard me

A fuckin’ sleigh ride

Horses and blankets and everything

Don’t even ask how he managed to pull it off, because he loves watching the cogs turn in your head and simply will not give you a straight answer

Of course there’s the nice driver guy who’s there, but in the back alone Kinoshita’s confidence goes 📈📈

Lots of flirting, tons of skimmed touches and shared giggles throughout the ride

I legitimately simp really hard for him

Anyways it was a gorgeous ride through town and super fun

On Christmas Eve you both exchange gifts together and tbh whatever you got him will leave him happy and flustered regardless

But when he opens the wrapping paper to find an entire set of vintage VHS tapes, he’s stunned

He owns a VHS (actually canon!) and honestly loves it to death, and the fact that you’d get him tapes of pretty high quality for his collection meant a lot

Gosh he’s so underrated but a definite sweetheart, give him all the holiday love

Narita

Another underrated bby 🥺

He’s so chill and is pretty open to anything during the holidays, so long as he gets to spend ample time with you, his friends, and his family

Definitely more of an indoor person despite being accepting of most situations

Hence why you thought a cute little indoor winter picnic would be right up his alley

Which it absolutely was 😌✨ nice work

You’d made plans while in secret communications with his family members about the whole thing

He’d been pretty stressed lately with trying to handle his schoolwork, while also helping out others with theirs

Despite being a wonderful tutor, it was clearly becoming a bit overwhelming as he tried to grapple with so much at once

So when he came home one day to find a pristine house with you settled on a blanket in his living room, he was quite surprised

There’s a cheese plate, soda cans in a cute ice box, sandwiches, snacks, a presparked fireplace — you and his family went all out

Really adorable I cannot lie

“I thought you said you were going gift shopping today?”

“I might have maybe lied :P”

So he gives the sweetest little smile and sits across from you

Y’all stay there and talk for hours

After finally getting through everything previously laid out on the blanket spread, you slid him a little rectangular box that he looked at curiously

“Already? I haven’t wrapped yours yet!”

“Mine can wait a bit! Just open yours”

And so he does, and you watch with a face-splitting grin as he looks down in awe

You got tickets to see his favorite rock band in concert while they were on tour

He sprung onto you and pulled you into the tightest hug ever

“Holy shit you’re the best I love you so much how do you get even more loveable every day—!?!l”

It’s a jumble of words but you’re able to put it together and it makes you giggle

He deadass sprints upstairs to go get your gift and make sure that you feel as equally appreciated as he does

In simple words: wholesome holiday sweetness 🥰

[oc-magazine1]

OC Interview with Desmond! 🤩

Created by Isa @isayandere

Tell us about yourself: "I'm Desmond. I'm actually suuuper in demand so you're, like, so lucky to be interviewing me right now. Let's see... stuff about me. I'm 21, my birthday is October 2nd, and I'm a Libra. I'm the lead guitarist for my band, Bringing Back December, I also do vocals sometimes. We have 3 albums that you should totally stream, like, right now. Anyway... yeah, there's that. I love dogs, (I've got a Doberman that I adopted from a rescue shelter), I love monster energy, (monster please license me), partying, cute girls, aaaand... myself, obviously~ Oh, yeah. and I guess people would call me "emo" or "scene", which is fine. I like the style."

Where would you take a date?

"Where would I take a date, huh? Hm... I'd probably take her shopping. Somewhere like... a mall. Who doesn't like spending money? Plus I can buy her stuff like clothes and make her totally love me... then we'd get something to eat after. It'd be cute as fuck. If it was an evening date, I'd probably take her to a club, and then we're going straight to one of our places after for the real fun.

What is your idea of paradise?

"I don't... really know, I've never given it much thought. Maybe when I'm really popular because of my band, so I have all the money I could want 'cause of fame, and I've got the love of my life living with me so I can wake up with her every day. Yeah, that's probably it."

What do you love about yourself?

"Ummm, everything? Every time I look in the mirror I get reminded of how fuckin' sexy I am, like, if I could I'd kiss myself. It's a combination of everything that makes me so desirable, you see. I've got all these other guys beaten by FAR. I guess if I had to pick something specific though, it'd probably be my hair and face... and my body."

What are your bad habits?

"I like gettin' wasted, I guess. I do some drugs to make my nights better. That's about it."

Do you have a favorite phrase that you say a lot?

"Uhh... probably "f"**k you. Just kidding, probably "haters will be haters", I live by that!"

If you had $1 million, what would you do with the cash?

"Adopt every dog that needs adopting, get 'em out of the shelters, then give them all away to people as pets for completely free. ...and maybe use the leftover money to buy a lifetime supply of Monster. And whatever my girlfriend wants."

Do you have any enemies?

"Not really, my enemies are just insecure people who are, like, sooo jelly of me. It's funny to watch them. Though... I guess I'd consider any other guys that try to hit on my girlfriend my real enemies. If I see that shit, things just got real, dude."

If you could appear in any popular movie or book, which one would you choose and why?

"Ooooh, I'd TOTALLY be a character in the SCREAM movies. I'd be, like, the hot side character that everyone likes, but at the end of the movie, it's revealed that I was the killer's accomplice and was one of the guys using the mask the entire time to kill people with 'em. Yeahh... but people would still love me, 'cause I'm hot. Think about it for a sec, confident and SEXY emo guy turns out to be the killer? It'd get me even MORE fans. I'd have entire accounts dedicated to posting gifs of me online."

What’s your relationship with your creator? "I don't really mind her... sure, she put me through a lot of shit, but I know I'm her favorite and she loves me more than almost anything at the end of the day. She gives me a lot of attention, AND she gave me a totally cute girlfriend and awesome bandmates. She's kinda cute herself, so I guess I can forgive her... yeah, she's not half bad."

Do you have any advice for other character creators?

DO whatever the HELL you want with your characters, it's all about having fun and doing what you love baby! Wanna make overly sexy guys or girls? Overly powered teenage characters who are loved by everyone and the stars of their story? Neon emo furries? The most CLICHE romance, even if it's a self-insert character with a canon character you love? DO IT, you'll be so much happier, and most importantly F**K everyone who thinks it's cringe, they need a life, live your life! I SUPPORT YOU!

[javajunkieao3]

Daisy/Sousa Fic: The New Normal

Daisy and Daniel inadvertently get left behind during a time jump.  While waiting for the team to return, they settle into a friendship and then something more.  ONESHOT

 The tricky part about unpredictable time jumps is that it always seemed like someone was getting left behind.  First, it was Enoch.  Although, being a Chronicom had its benefits, and when they happened upon him some thirty years later, he was both unchanged and unflummoxed.  Then, it was Deke and Mack.  After the Team got them back, they enacted new rules.  Better safeguards.  A more precise way of monitoring the jumps.  They seemed to have it all under control – well, as controlled as an uncontrollable entity can be - until the Zypher catapulted back to 1960s New York City, and then forward to the 2000s, except without Daisy and Daniel.

           “What do we do now?” Daniel said, still breathing hard from their unsuccessful sprint back toward the Zephyr.

           Daisy was in no better condition, leaning against a tree with her hand bracing a cramp in her side, and looked back over at him with confusion.  “What do you mean?  You’re back in your time.  Well, a bit later, but close enough.”

           “I’m also supposed to be dead.”

           “Fair point,” she said.  “I guess we just wait.”

           “Wait,” Daniel repeated.  He didn’t sound convinced, and she couldn’t blame him.  They had really only gotten Deke and Mack back because of luck, and considering everything that had happened, their luck seemed to be running out.

           “They’ll come back for us,” Daisy said with more conviction than she felt.  

           “If you say so.”

           One Month Later

            After a few weeks, it became clear that any sort of quick fix was not going to happen and if Daisy and Daniel were going to survive, they needed to start earning some money.  You also needed identification papers.  Daisy begroaned the era, telling Daniel that if she had access to a modern computer she could whip them up new identities within the hour.  But, modern computers were unsurpsingly not available in the 1960s and Daniel worked up the nerve to call up an old friend.  He used a payphone, not wanting the number to be tracked to any place that he frequented.  He didn’t know if she would still have the same number and was relieved when he heard her voice.

           “Hello?”

           “Hi Peggy.”

-----

           Daisy went with him to Peggy’s house, asking him on the cab ride over how he convinced the woman to see him when he was supposed to be dead.  

           “I told her the truth,” Daniel said.

           “And she believed it?”

           Daniel shrugged and said, “I guess we’re about to find out.  If we’re greeted with a gun, I’d say the answer is no.”

           “Well, that’s comforting.”

           Daisy crossed her legs, her yellow shift dress shifting higher up on her thigh.  She smoothed the skirt and reached down to flick a bit of dried leaf off her cream boot. “At least if I die, I got to wear these boots.”

            “You’re not going to die.  Peggy and I always understood each other.  She’ll believe me.”

           “Whatever you say.  But, for the record, I’m not above quaking the Director of SHIELD if I need to.”

           Daniel smirked.  “Understood.”

           The cab pulled to a stop in front of a house and Daniel paid the driver before climbing out of the car.  By force of habit, he went to open Daisy’s door but she was already out, striding past him toward the house.  He took a hold of her arm and said, “I think I should be the first one up there.”

           Remembering that Peggy Carter had no idea who she was, Daisy nodded and followed him up the steps to the house.  He knocked on the door and after a few minutes Peggy opened it, her eyes meticulously scanning his face.  She glanced behind him and said, “I see you brought someone along.”

           Daisy offered Peggy a small wave and said, “We’re sort of a package deal.”

           “This is Daisy Johnson.  She’s the woman I told you about on the phone.”

           Peggy nodded.  “Alright then, why don’t you come on in.”

           Daniel shuffled into the house behind Peggy, feeling just about every sort of uncomfortable as he began, “Look, I know you probably have questions.  Hell, I would have a million if I were in your situation.  Whatever your questions might be, I’ll do my best to answer them.”

           “I don’t have any questions,” Peggy said simply.

           “Really?”  Daisy said. “You have no questions for us.”

           She thought if anyone would have questions for supposed time travelers, it would be the director of an international spy network tasked with guarding the unexplained.

           “I have no questions for you,” Peggy repeated. “Believe it or not, time travel isn’t exactly a foreign concept for me.”

           Daniel looked at her with confusion and Peggy said, “That’s a story for another time.  Tell me, what do you need?”

           “We need new identities.  Or, at least I do.  Daniel Sousa is supposed to be dead.  I know Howard Stark used to have connections.”

           “Howard claims to have gone the straight and narrow now,” Peggy began, smiling slightly.  “But, I know better.  I’ll talk to him.”

           “Thank you, Peggy.  I really appreciate it.”

           “It’s no problem.”  Peggy didn’t say anything for a moment, her eyes softening, and she said, “It’s good to see you, Daniel.  When I heard what had happened before, well…it is very good to see you.”

           Daniel nodded.  “It’s good to see you, too, Peggy.”

           She cleared her throat and said, “Anyway, would you two care for a cup of tea?  Or how about something stronger?”

           “We probably shouldn’t stay long,” Daniel said. “I figure it’s best if I’m not seen too much around people at SHIELD.”

           “I understand.  Where can I reach you when the papers are ready?”

           “We’re staying at a motel over on 18thstreet.  Do you have paper?  I can write down the phone number.”  She quickly procured a spiral notebook from the kitchen and he jotted down the address and phone number.  “We’re staying there under Daisy and Daniel Johnson.”  

           Peggy nodded.  “I’ll call you when they are ready.”

           On their way out, Daniel’s eye caught on a photograph.  It was taken in front of a courthouse, Peggy dressed in white next to a tall blonde man. Daniel recognized him immediately, and when Daisy stepped next to him and looked at the photo, she said, “Hey, isn’t that Steve Rogers?”

           In a low voice, Daniel said, “Steve Rogers died in 1946.”

           Quickly realizing that Daniel didn’t know that Steve Rogers had, in fact, survived his trip into the Arctic, Daisy hurriedly explained what happened, starting to have an idea of how Peggy Carter was familiar with time travel.

           “He actually hasn’t been seen for a while. People thought he just retired or something.”  

           As the truth dawned on Daniel, he looked back at Peggy and said, “You’re familiar with time travel, huh?”

           Peggy only smiled in response.

           Three Months Later

           After they got their identification papers, wanting to stay under the radar, Daisy got a job as a waitress and Daniel worked at a local grocery store.  He stopped at the restaurant every day after work, having a cup of coffee, and sometimes a slice of pie, and then walking Daisy home after her shift.  She reminded him that she had superpowers and didn’t need a chaperone, but in truth she enjoyed the company.  Some nights they walked straight home, but on others they meandered down the city blocks, talking aimlessly about their days.  In the beginning, conversation would invariably turn to the Team returning, but after a while they both accepted the low likelihood of that happening and they filled the time instead with talks of her childhood and his return after the war.  She filled him in on the gossip at the diner, doing voices for all the different patrons.  Daniel’s favorite was an old woman name Gertie who snuck sugar cubes into her purse.  

           Three months turned into six, and somewhere amongst all those evening walks and stories of Gertie stealing sugar cubes, Daisy realized they had become friends, and then sometime later, as he pressed his mouth against hers beneath a flickering street lamp, something more.  That night, Daniel traded in the couch for his own side of the bed, although they woke up entangled in the middle, Daniel amusedly listening to her soft snores before she stirred and looked up at him with a drowsy grin.  

           Daniel kissed her and she said, “Well, good morning to you.”

           He chuckled, his chest rumbling beneath her ear. “Good morning, Daisy.”

           She wrapped her arm around around him, feeling entirely content, and said, “Is it bad to feel this way?”

           “To feel what?”

           “Happy.  I think about it sometimes – the team went off to face the Chronicoms, and we’re just here.”

           “There’s nothing more we could have done.  Going to SHIELD wasn’t an option, you know that. At a certain point, we have to get on with our lives.”

           He had a point, but she couldn’t help but feel guilty.  They had been her family for so long, and even though it hadn’t been her choice, she left them when they needed her the most.  When she told Daniel that, he said, “Your family would want you to be happy.”

           Daisy considered this for a moment and then sighed, rested her chin on his chest and looking up at him.  “You know, Daniel, you make a lot of sense sometimes.”

           “Making sense is one of my most valued attributes.”

           “Do you want to get some breakfast?”

           He nodded, gently pushing her hair away from her face.  “Sure, we can get some breakfast.”

           One Year Later

           On a dreary Saturday in December, Daisy announced that she was finished with living out of a motel.  (Both had considered getting their own apartments at various times previously, but always ended up backing out at the last moment.) When Daniel reminded her that it was the 1960s and it would be near impossible to rent an apartment together without being married, Daisy saw a simple solution, and said, “Then we should get married.”

           “Just like that?” Daniel said with a bemused smile from his perch on the bed.

           “Yeah, just like that.”

           “Daisy, I appreciate the offer, but I don’t really think we should get married just so we can rent an apartment.”

           “Why does the reason matter?”

           “When people ask us about our engagement, do you really want to say that it was for better living conditions?”

           “People have gotten married for wayless.”

           “I do agree it’s pretty cramped here,” Daniel said, looking around the room.  “But, that’s not why we should get married.”

           Daisy was getting frustrated with Daniel’s rebuff of what she considered a perfectly acceptable proposal, and said, “Fine, then we won’t get married.  Are you happy?”

           She walked past him and he grabbed her arm, saying, “Hey, you didn’t let me finish.  I said that’snot why we should get married.  But, I think there are a lot of other pretty convincing reasons.”

           She smiled softly, letting him pull her between his legs, and said, “You do?”

           “I love you, Daisy.  And I’m pretty sure you love me, too.”

           “Good instincts.”

           “That’s why we should get married,” Daniel said. “So, what do you say?”

           Daisy leaned forward, framing his face with her hands, and just before her mouth met his, she said, “Technically I asked you first –“ he grinned, “- but yes.”

-----

           Sometime after the wedding and a spacious two-flat in Brooklyn, Daisy and Daniel had unexpected visitors.  Daisy was finishing up dinner when there was a knock on the door.  She hollered for Daniel to get the door as she checked on dinner.  Cooking was a relatively new pastime for Daisy, but she had gotten relatively good at it or Daniel was a good liar.  

           “Daisy, I think you should come over here,” Daniel said.

           Something was strange about his voice, and when she went into the living room she knew why.  Standing beside their new pastel curtains was Simmons and May.  

           “Oh my God, you’re here.”

           Before she could say anything more, she was hugging all of them, surprise and confusion washing over her.  By that point, she had given up all hope of seeing them again, and it seemed almost like a dream to have them in her living room. Daniel stood off to the side, watching them somewhat warily.

           “I can’t believe you’re really here,” Daisy said. “It’s so good to see all of you.”

           “It’s good to see you, too,” Simmons said.  “You look happy.”

           “I am,” Daisy said.  She noted the absence of several people, and carefully broached the subject before Simmons assured her, “They’re on the Zypher.  They figured you’d be coming home with us, but…something tells me you’re not.”

           Daisy looked over at Daniel and shook her head. “I’m home already.”

           Simmons smiled sadly.  “I can see that.  I’m so happy for you, Daisy.”

           “Why don’t you tell the others to come here?” Daisy said.  “I’m cooking a chicken that there’s a 50/50 chance I haven’t completely dried out.”

           “I’d say it’s more 60/40,” Daniel said.  “You’ve come a long way with chicken.”

           “We’re only here for a limited amount of time,” May said.  “We’re set to jump in another forty minutes.”

           “Forty minutes,” Daisy repeated.  “That fast?”

           “I’m really sorry, Daisy,” Simmons said.

           “It’s okay.  I’m just glad I was able to see you.  Please tell everyone else – I really miss them.”

           “I will,” Simmons promised.

           Daisy gave them each another hug, and when May pulled away, she kept her hand on Daisy’s bare shoulder and said, “You really are happy.”  Daisy nodded. “I’m glad.”

           After a final goodbye, the pair left and Daniel walked over to Daisy, sliding his arm around his wife’s shoulders.  

           “Are you okay?”

           She leaned her head against his shoulder.  “Yeah, I actually am.”

[make-it-mavis]

Homesick (Entry #40)

(cw: discussion of addiction and relapse) ----------

02/02/88  8:04 PM

Hey.

Well. At this point, it feels like there is so much to say, yet so little… comparatively.

Most of this bedtime story has been rife with screaming arguments, hallucinations, and explosions. There will not be so much of those, moving forward. I could say that the day I blew up Felix’s apartment was a turning point for me. It was the first moment where I truly felt like I had taken a step towards moving on and… letting go of what I could. But it was not a sharp turn, nor was it a great, leaping bound. Things did not suddenly get easier. No, they were only difficult in a different way.

But they were different.

I could probably fill a completely separate notebook with the details of my journey through counselling since then. But that would be very boring to read and to write, so I will just give you the important bits to catch you up to speed. Stay with me, now. This is going to be a whole lot condensed into chewable pieces.

In counselling, we learned about the five stages of grief. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Looking back, I can see how non-linear it was for me. I spent so long dancing around the first three. But after my amnesia was cured, I arrived at depression. Collapsed into it, really. 

Now, I’ve been depressed before. It was quite some time ago, before you and I even met. So I recognized what I was experiencing. But this time around, it was… more acute. Less existential, and more like an injury. I wasn’t lost inside my head. I knew exactly what I was sad about, and it was as real and tangible as any physical wound I had sustained before.

It was as if my very code had been pushed to the point of exhaustion and could not get back up. I spent most of my time on Felix’s couch, and most of that time was spent sleeping. I barely showered and I smelled like hell, but Felix still insisted on having tea and chatting at least once a day. He did almost all the talking, and I usually didn’t drink the tea, but he didn’t mind. He’d just drink it for me, and end up taking such frequent trips to the bathroom that I’d fall asleep again.

Given that I could barely make myself get up and walk around, going to counselling was more daunting than ever. November passed by without me taking notice, and it was maybe a week into December before I was able to make it there again. When I did, I told everyone what I’d done. What I’d remembered. And how I had been absent so long because I felt too depressed to come. Then, of course, they told me that the best time to come to counselling is when you don’t want to. I wanted to argue with that, but they were probably right. 

I very quickly came to understand why counselling was done in a group. At first, it felt like a punishment, like we all had to sit around and think about what we’d done. Or that there just weren’t enough counsellors for one-on-one therapy. It’s not even entirely just for empathizing with others’ similar experiences, or creating a sense of community. No, it’s something much more annoying than that.

A group will hold you accountable. They’ll make sure you’re participating and call you out when you’re not. I went into the counselling experience hoping I could just do the time and get out, but no one gets away with that in a group. You can’t just rip off the bandaid.

No, counselling is more like ripping off the bandaid, then digging into the wound with tweezers to pull out all the shrapnel, then stitching up the wound, and repeatedly changing the bandages to avoid infection. And then those stitches can sometimes come loose and you have to do them all over again.

It sucks. It hurts. But I won’t say it doesn’t work.

Anyway, around this point in the ‘story,’ I still hadn’t quite finished Step 4, with the ‘fearless moral inventory.’ I was still having trouble deciding just what to say. I had Felix be the audience to my venting one night. I explained to him my predicament: I had done many things that others would consider ‘bad’ or ‘immoral’ over the course of my life, far too many to count or to list. And a whole lot of them, I didn’t even feel bad for. Pranks, petty theft, and general snarkiness seemed harmless enough. I didn’t know what was worth adding to the list.

Felix suggested sticking to the big ones. What things did I consider not so harmless? What things were bad enough to make me lose sleep over? What did I really, truly regret?

I didn’t want to tell him. Those questions felt too prying. But, reminding myself that I was trying to make big changes, I eventually managed to name it all.

I felt bad for… assuming the worst of everyone. Especially anyone close to me. I felt bad for getting them all involved with my problems, and… refusing their help, but still somehow taking advantage of them. For making Felix worry that I was going to die, and for making Wreck-it feel responsible.

And Tapper. Just… in general, Tapper. Everything I’d done to him. Lying to him. Using him. Endangering his game. 

Endangering my game.

Threatening that one anonymous stranger for a hit of GC.

And getting you hooked on my Shield and Lift buffs… way back when.

I took Felix’s suggestion to write all that down, and whatever else I might have been feeling. It definitely helped me sort out my thoughts. It didn’t feel good. At all. In fact, it was hard to fight the idea that I was a lost cause, and that even before all this, I was not worth saving. But I pushed on regardless, because it felt like the only direction to move in.

As difficult as it had been, listing all that earned me Step 4, and after I recounted it all to the counselling group, I had Step 5, Integrity, under my belt.

Even though it was hard, I was doing well in the program. I really was, all things considered. I had made it farther than I thought possible at the beginning. But like I said… those stitches come loose sometimes. Recovery, like my grieving process, has not been linear. And after Step 5, some part of me felt stretched too far. Like my code once more remembered that I’m not the sort to lay myself open for others to see. Too many sprites had been given deeply personal pieces of my mind to take home with them. It was unnatural. It wasn’t right. It was not like me. I couldn’t piece together this new life with the life I knew before and have it make sense. I was trying to make meaningful changes, for sure, but suddenly, I felt like I didn’t recognize the sprite I’d become. I didn’t recognize my game or anyone in it. It was… eerie.

It put a panicked, defensive fight in me. I had to set things straight. I would not allow this strange, foreign life to continue until I did. So, for the first time in… longer than I had realized, I went back to my den in the woods. Just to be somewhere familiar and see if I could remember who I was.

It helped a little at first. I dug through all the junk I had amassed, each one connecting to some small memory from before this all happened. But then I found three things that were… a dangerous combo.

Your scarf and goggles… and the bottle of blue wine Tapper had given me at the memorial. Still unopened.

I was able to resist the wine. But I… didn’t exactly get rid of it, like I should have.

As for your old, burnt belongings...

I didn’t understand what I was doing at the time, or why. I get it now, I think. Writing my thoughts down had helped in Step 4, and my head was a twisted, tangled mess that I just had to sort out before I went insane. I needed to understand what I’d been through and how I got there. It’s just that I was only inspired to start writing once I saw your scarf and goggles again. Once they threw that angry, vicious anxiety through me and I was possessed by the overwhelming need to reach you from beyond the grave and tell you just what you had done to me.

So… I started writing this story. Or these letters, or... journals. You know.

Since then it’s been… well, incredibly therapeutic. And, just like I thought they would, the folks at counselling said that journaling is a very healthy coping mechanism. That’s what I called it, too. Journaling. I wanted to keep the fact that I was writing to you private. I was already revealing so much to them. I wanted to have just one thing I didn’t have to tell them.

I didn’t think it would have made a difference, anyway, and it didn’t. Not at first. I finished Step 6 just fine, which was Willingness. I was pretty willing to let go of my old bad habits in whatever way I could. Step 7 was harder for a few reasons, not the least of which being that my higher power is not sentient, and I could therefore not ask it for forgiveness, or to remove my character flaws. But I sort of earned Humility in a different way.

You see, I didn’t tell them I was writing to you, but I also... didn’t tell them about the wine. 

And thoughts of you had not mixed well with the temptation of substances in the past. So, around Christmas, I holed up in my den and… relapsed. It was nothing big, as far as relapses go. But I’m still not proud of it. 

I just wasn’t prepared for how hard it would be. My first Christmas without you.

Anyway… don’t worry. That didn’t put too big a snag in things. I told Felix, and I told everyone in counselling about it, and they all understood. A couple others actually had similar challenges. Many of us had someone to miss, and it was a hard time of year to miss somebody. I admitted to them that I sort of felt like I’d failed. But Clyde remarked that I showed humility by so willingly turning to the group for support, which had been hard for me at the start. I very easily could have tried to hide out of shame or a need to shoulder it alone. Maybe I couldn’t ask color for forgiveness, but in a way, I asked the group for it. 

I still sort of don’t understand it. But, hey. Whatever the ghost says.

In any case, I was able to let the mistake go and move forward, which… felt very freeing, now that I think of it. Since then, I’ve been counting the days I’ve spent completely sober, slowly racking them up like the most boring, most difficult sort of high score.

It’ll be forty today.

I’m forty days sober, and I just finished Step 9 a couple days ago. So… I guess I’m doing pretty well.

I’ve been writing a while, and this pen is nearly out of ink, but before I wrap this entry up, I really ought to tell you about Step 9, and what it brought about.

Step 8, for the record, is barely worth mentioning. It’s Love, which, y’know, gross. But it’s basically making a list of the sprites you’ve wronged, which I felt like I had done three times already. Step 9, then, Responsibility, is making amends with those sprites wherever possible.

I’m already well on my way with Felix. Tapper, well… I’ve done the best I can for now. I don’t even know who the sprite I threatened was, so there’s little I can do there. And you… are kind of hard to reach lately. So, the only possible option left was...

Wreck-it.

I’d known for quite some time that we were overdue for a chat. We hadn’t really talked at all since I’d come out of that coma, which meant we had been surviving on brief, awkward greetings and the smallest of small talk for a couple of months. We were not on bad terms, nor good terms. We just sort of existed in the same space, trying our best to just tolerate each other and to ignore the elephant in the room. And before all this, I would have been content to leave things that way forever if it meant I wouldn’t have to talk to him about our feelings.

I only managed to speak to him once the 12 Step Program gave me any idea of what to say, and the desire for things to stop being weird outweighed the awkwardness.

I caught him shortly after the arcade closed the other night, just as he was about to board the train to leave our game. Caught him quite off-guard too, apparently, given the way he jumped and tried to smooth his little yelp into a casual speaking voice.

Like this: “Ahh--!! Ahh! Ahh, Mavis, I, uh, didn’t see you there.”

Making someone jump always brings at least a bit of a smile to my face. “Hey there, uh… Ralph.”

The use of his name rather than his title already earned me a confused eyebrow quirk, but I saw it as setting the mood for the uncharacteristically intimate conversation we were about to have. It seemed effective, given how still he became, almost holding his breath in a nervous sort of curiosity.

“You, uh… going to Tapper’s?” I asked, trying to get him to relax a bit.

“Yep…” he said, rapping his fist against his leg slightly, like he does. “Do you… wanna come too, or..?”

I pressed my lips together, not quite smiling. “Nah. Still can’t go anywhere.”

“Oh-- oh-- yeah, of course. Wow. Stupid question,” he sighed, scratching the back of his neck. “That, uh, counselling thing still goin’ on, then? Or am I not allowed to ask?”

“It is,” I shrugged, shoving my hands in my pockets. “And… you are allowed. It’s actually more or less what I need to talk to you about.”

“...Really?” he asked cautiously. “Me? Why?”

I closed my eyes and let out a steady breath, sorting my thoughts for the hundredth time. “We probably should’ve talked sooner, it’s just that…” I opened my eyes and looked at him. “Well, I’ll say it outright. I’m supposed to talk to everyone I’ve wronged. And that includes you.”

He paused. Then he squinted. “Everyone?”

“Well,” I said flatly. “No. Just the ones I’ve done the dirtiest. The big deals.”

“And I really made that list for you? Me?”

I sighed with a slow blink, and cut to the chase. “Ralph, I heard everything you said to me when I was in that coma. Everything.”

“Oh,” he said, shifting his weight awkwardly, until the memory visibly returned to him and he stood rigid. “...Oh.”

“Yeah. Do you…” I struggled to maintain eye contact, “Do you… I mean, do you still actually blame yourself for anything that happened to me… after that night at Tapper’s?”

“Pfft,” he huffed, smiling joylessly. “C’mon. Ew. Did I say that?”

I stared.

He quickly gave in, folding his arms with a sigh. “...No. But that doesn’t mean I don’t feel bad about it. I wanted to help you. I did. I never would have dragged you out there if I’d known you’d… Well. Whatever. Bad Guys aren’t meant to help anybody. Lesson learned, yet again.”

“Yeah… sure. Except the thing is, you, uh… did help,” I said, and saw him perk up the tiniest bit. “You let me stay with you. Even though I was a thankless, entitled pain in the neck. You kept me company just because I didn’t want to be alone. I know you n’ I aren’t exactly bosom pals, and I know you’re a Bad Guy, but… I guess that just makes it even more of a damn decent thing to do.”

He seemed surprised by my words, even a bit shaken by them in some way, but still, his gaze fell away from me a bit. Seemed like he was no better at accepting genuine praise than I am.

Pushing on, I said, “And if you feel guilty right now because you actually wanted to cave in my skull the whole time, then, don’t. I’d have wanted to throw my ass to the curb, too, if I were you. I don’t blame you for pushing me out. I did at first, but I don’t anymore. I was already primed to spiral, Ralph. I was headed for rock bottom one way or another. Don’t blame yourself for what I did. That’s my fault, not yours.”

He looked at me again, a quiet sort of disbelief in his eyes, which was good, because I needed to look him in the eye for what I was about to say.

“Ralph, I’m sorry.”

At that, he seemed… put on the spot, almost. Like he had no idea how to react. He took a moment to think and to breathe, like everything had to sink in. I knew that he would be surprised, so I didn’t really react. I had gotten all of my weird, emotional words out. The hard part was over.

I watched him begin to scrutinize me, like there was some hidden trick behind my back. He even slowly walked in a circle around me, trying to figure me out. He found nothing, and I offered nothing.

“So…” he said, squinting at me sidelong, “you’re sayin’... you’re sorry. You. You, Make- it Mavis, high queen of the gremlins, are sorry.”

I knew he would do that. Make a huge, obnoxious deal out of it. “Yes,” I said plainly.

“For everything?”

“Yes,” I repeated, with just a twinge of annoyance.

“Everything.”

“Yes.”

Then he pointed at me, as if firing off his question quick-draw style: “Even for calling me a trash gorilla?”

“Hell no,” I recoiled a bit. “I’m a recovering addict, not a kiss-ass.”

That was the first time I saw him almost relieved that I’d sort of insulted him. He straightened up and folded his arms, the tension in his body visibly relaxing as he sized me up. He nodded the slightest bit. “Yeah, I know,” he said, “that was just a test to see if you’d actually lost your mind.”

“Oh, so this is the point where you question my sanity. Nothing in the past couple months has been all that unusual, then,” I said, sort of smirking.

“Nah,” he reluctantly mirrored my smile. “Home intrusion, explosions, tryin’ to conk Gene over the head with a wooden club -- all standard Mavis fare.”

That earned a snicker from me. “Don’t think he’s escaped my clutches just yet.”

“Yeah, in his dreams.”

A silence set in at that point. Both of our smiles slowly began to fade as the silence grew from content to awkward once again. I wasn’t sure what else to say, but Ralph looked like he was working on something, so I waited.

“So,” he eventually said, his tone more sober, “you… really mean all that, huh. What you said about… Y’know. That you’re sorry.”

I nodded. “Yeah, I do,” I said quietly.

“Wow,” he almost chuckled, and gave me a sort of smile that I’d otherwise never seen on his face. “Counselling’s sure done a number on you, huh?"

"Well," I shifted my weight, unsure how to respond. It was a strange truth, and it was even stranger hearing it from him. "That's the idea, anyway."

Ralph seemed pleasantly surprised by the whole encounter, but it was just about over. Some small part of him must have wanted to draw it out even longer, a sentiment that I'm sure came as puzzling to him.

Scratching his chest a bit, he said, "Yeah, well… maybe once you're free again, and if you're up for it, we could go for drinks at Tapper's again. Just rag on Gene like the old days. Or Felix, even. I'm sure he's drivin' you up the wall lately with all the fussing."

I clicked my tongue. "Not… for drinks, no. As amazingly depressing as it is to say, I don't drink anymore."

"Really?" He asked, just before lightly smacking himself in the head. "D'oh, of course you don't. Wow. Sorry. I don't know where my head's at today."

"S'okay," I shrugged. "But there's more than just drinks at Tapper's. We can still go. I'll just have snacks or something. Maybe some actual, real pretzels, unlike last time."

He tilted his head. "Last time…?"

Opting to not recount the embarrassing tale of my snack hallucinations from my last visit, I waved it off. "Nevermind. Anyway, this is all making the very big assumption that Tapper will even let me through the doors. Y'know… after everything."

Ralph frowned. "You miss him, huh."

My gaze fell to his feet. "Yeah," I muttered.

"Well, I'm just on my way to see him now," Ralph said, finally turning around to slowly squeeze himself into an undersized train car. "I'll let him know."

Just the thought of any sentiment of mine reaching Tapper sort of sprung a leak in my heart, and before I could think, I was talking, my voice trembling the tiniest bit.

"If-- If you're talking to him anyway," I said, stepping forward almost as if I would follow him, "could you tell him something more?"

Ralph seemed a little surprised by my emotion, but he nodded anyway. "Sure. What is it?"

"Tell him I'm-- I'm…" I sighed, and my shoulders fell heavy. "I'm... sorry. I was probably the worst to him, out of everyone. And I know I can't take any of that back. And if he never wants to see me again… I can accept that. But there's just one thing I really need him to know."

I swallowed. "He's the reason I even agreed to counselling in the first place."

"Really?" Ralph asked quietly.

I nodded, not quite looking his way, focusing all my energy on keeping it together. "Yeah. He… urged me to get help, and when I didn't, I… nearly got his game unplugged. I'm putting in the work now. I'm getting help. I'm getting clean, just like he said. I'm thirty-eight days sober. And it all started because I just… had to make it right. Doing right by him is what's kept me going through a lot of this."

I took a moment to breathe and rein in my unruly emotions, trying to consider just how much I really wanted to share with Ralph. I'm working on being vulnerable, but I've found that I can't rush it. Plus, I'm sure Ralph felt a little awkward on the receiving end. He just watched me, unsure of what to say, but a quiet sympathy still showed in his eyes.

"Just…" I cleared my throat, "just tell him I'm sorry… and thank him for me. Please."

He offered me a half-smile and a soft nod. "Okay. You got it."

At that point, the dinky little cord train began to slowly pull out of our tiny station, sort of squeaking with the effort of bearing Ralph's weight. I watched him go, feeling that hot embarrassment that follows a particularly personal share. The thought that Ralph was probably happy to see me being good to Tapper for once was both comforting and… kind of annoying.

After the train had moved a short distance away, I just about turned to leave, but Ralph's voice caught my attention.

"Oh, and Mavis?"

I looked to see him twisting awkwardly in his seat, calling back to me.

"...Thanks."

That just made my face feel a little bit hotter, but I gave a small smile and flicked a casual salute his way. "Don't mention it," I called back, and waited until the train disappeared into the dark mouth of the tunnel before adding quietly, "...ever."

After that, for the first little while, my evening carried on just about the same as ever. I wound up in Felix's apartment for the usual tea and chats. I played my guitar for a while, and Felix listened happily until the tea was all brewed, and we sat on the couch while he told me about his day. I talked a bit too, but I didn't tell him about my conversation with Ralph. I wanted some light chatter about nothing in particular, a break from the heavy topics that run so rampant for me lately. I even wanted a bit of tea. I still maintain that chamomile tastes like soap, but peppermint is actually pretty good with a hefty scoop of sugar.

It was a couple hours into our visit that the most unusual, most… amazing thing happened.

I had given in to the primal need to lie flat on the floor as I often do, and Felix was sitting at the table polishing his medals when we heard footsteps in the hall. Huge, heavy, thumping footsteps. We glanced at each other for just a minute before we both nearly leapt out of our pixels from the front door being knocked off its hinges.

Through the open, splintered door frame, there stood Ralph, eyes wide. Instantly, his face filled with apologetic embarrassment.

"Woops," he chuckled nervously. "Sorry."

I sat up, and Felix walked over to the door with a bit of an exasperated sigh. "That's alright, Ralph," he assured, easily repairing the door with his hammer and holding it open anyway. "It's polite of you to knock."

My heart began to settle from the frightful shock it suffered, but I was sort of wary to see Ralph again so soon after our last conversation. I didn't know what more he could want, but I didn't feel the emotional energy to deal with whatever it was. I stood and walked over to the door to meet him. He had to twist down a bit to see through the doorway, and his awkward stance was punctuated with a nervous grin.

"Hey-- Hey Mavis," he said.

"Ralph," I grit my teeth just a bit, more from discomfort than anger. I let my eyes dart to Felix just a bit, hoping to signal to Ralph that now was not the time. "...Hi. What… what's up?"

"Uh, well…" he sucked his teeth, "could you step out here for a sec?"

"Why?"

"So I don't have to stand like this."

That was fair. I obliged, and nodded to Felix to give us some privacy. After he closed the door, I immediately whispered to Ralph, "Okay, now what's so urgent?"

Even though he didn't have to bend over anymore, Ralph still had to bow his head to fit under the relatively low ceiling. He put out his hands just a bit to urge me to be calm.

"Look, I'm not here to bug you," he said, and lowered his voice when I shushed him. "I'm just here to make a delivery."

I squinted at him sidelong. "Of what?"

"Well, a message, for one," he shrugged, smiling a little bit. "I talked to Tapper for you, like you asked. And he wanted me to tell you something."

I straightened up, and my heart sort of skipped a beat. "...Oh. What did he say?"

"A couple things. He's, uh… well, he's real happy to hear you're getting help. He wants to congratulate you for that. You've got his full support, he said. It meant a lot to hear that you've been doing well, because you've been on his mind. He thinks about you all the time."

I didn't know what to say or how to react. It was a lot to take in. I had sort of made my peace with him hating me after everything I did, so to hear that he still cared about me was… a relief so acute that it sort of broke my heart. 

I barely had time to process it all before Ralph revealed the true hard-hitter.

"In fact, uh," he said, "he'd been thinking of you so much that he… made something for you. He told me to give it to you right away, because… I dunno, he said you seemed ready for it."

Then he reached into the chest of his overalls and pulled out a square picture frame. I was confused at first, but once he handed it to me and I saw what it was, my heart stopped.

Inside the frame were napkins from his bar. Four of them, arranged in a neat square. And on those napkins were… drawings. Two of them were clear, loving depictions of you that I didn't even remember drawing. And on the other two were doodles that you and I had done together. Unflattering, playful caricatures of each other. Our drawing styles could not have been more different -- mine being fluid and organic and yours being clean-cut contour line drawings, but somehow, they worked so well together. The fragile paper was slightly ripped in places from the pens we used, and there were small sections where the ink bled from mug-shaped rings of moisture. All in all, it was a chaotic, dirty mess.

It was us. 

It was us at our very happiest moments, just goofing off together, adoring each other without ever needing to say it.

It was the most beautiful gift I'd ever received.

Struck silent by a wall of emotion, I just held it and stared at it in utter disbelief. The fact that Tapper would have cared enough to save such simple things was more than I could comprehend. The drawings could have been years old by then, but still…

It wasn't until my tears fell and splashed against the frame that I even realized I'd been crying.

"Oh," Ralph whispered, a bit of panic in his voice. "Mavis. Crying. Uh-- I'm-- I'm sorry. I didn't want you to-- I'm--"

His hands hovered around me hesitantly, completely lost as to how to comfort me. But he didn't have to decide. I felt an urge and followed it immediately.

I just reached out and took one of his huge, square fingers in my hand, even though his heavy code burned a bit to touch. He froze, rightfully taken aback. I didn't explain. I just stepped a bit closer so that he would not have to reach out to me quite so far, hugged the frame to my chest with my other arm, and bowed my head while I wept silently. Ralph said nothing, but I felt his arm relax a bit once he accepted the situation.

Eventually, I pushed a few quivering words out. "Thank you," I muttered. I looked the gift over once again. "I… I can't believe this."

"So you like it?" he asked quietly.

I could only nod.

"I'll pass that on to Tapper, then," he sighed, but I could hear a smile in his voice. "Gee, I'm just a nine-foot-tall messenger boy, aren't I?"

"Thank-- thank you," I choked out again.

"Nah… it's nothin'," he shrugged.

I couldn't tear my eyes away from the gift in my hand. It was so perfect. It felt like everything I needed. Like it was the one thing that was missing in my road to recovery. That feeling in itself stood out to me, and I followed it through my mind. Apart from all the staggering sentimental value, there was something about Tapper's gesture that felt so empathetic, so validating, like he was acknowledging that I lost something wonderful, something worth mourning. It was the first thing anyone had given me, or the first thing anyone made at all, that honored your memory.

Then it hit me. The thing that was missing. The thing I would absolutely need if I had any hope of moving on.

I let go of Ralph's hand and burst through the door of Felix's apartment. He had gone back to polishing his medals, but he quite nearly dropped one when he saw the tears on my face.

"Mavy? What--"

I interrupted him, trying to keep up with my rush of clarity. "Felix," I said urgently, "I need your help. There's something I need from you. I know what I need."

He stood, approaching me with concern in his eyes.

"I need a funeral for Turbo," I said firmly. "A real one. It doesn't have to be big. In fact, it'll probably be just the three of us," I glanced back at Ralph, who was bending down once again, "but that'll be fine. It just needs to happen. Please."

I looked at Felix again, and his eyes were full of understanding, sympathy, and love.

"Then we'll do it," he said gently.

"Yeah," I heard Ralph say. "Count me in."

I choked out a single, grateful laugh. "Thank you."

We began planning right away.

It's happening tomorrow.

[youngwings-writes]

Infinitely Ordinary

Lee Felix x OC

Summary: "𝕀 𝕣𝕖𝕞𝕖𝕞𝕓𝕖𝕣 𝕨𝕙𝕖𝕟 𝕀 𝕝𝕖𝕒𝕣𝕟𝕖𝕕 𝕙𝕠𝕨 𝕥𝕠 𝕤𝕝𝕠𝕨 𝕕𝕠𝕨𝕟"

Busy. Busy worrying, working, just trying to survive. That was the daily life of Jordan Johnson. The world never seemed to slow down; not for her...not for anyone. Finally deciding to take matters into her own hands and get some much needed R&R, she jets off on a trip to South Korea. While there, she unexpectedly meets her soulmate. Will they be able to find happiness together, or will his status get in the way?

Genre: Fluff

Length: 2k

Chapter 4: Sunshine

"So... I guess we're soulmates?"

I froze.

Obviously, I had come to that conclusion on my own already, but to hear Felix saying it was a whole other thing. Like, this is the boy I've been admiring from afar for years. I knew so much about him, but he probably didn't know I existed until 60 seconds ago.

I didn't trust my voice at this point, so I simply smiled and gave a shy nod in response.

"I know this is really sudden, but I'm not sure the middle of a dog cafe is where we should be discussing such a serious matter... is there any possibility we could go to wherever it is you're staying and continue getting to know one another?"

"O-of course! That's no problem at all. Just let me pull up directions again so I don't get us lost," I began fumbling with my phone, trying not to look as nervous as I felt.

Soon enough I had the directions to my apartment pulled up on my phone. Felix and I grabbed our drinks and made our way out into the streets of Seoul.

"It doesn't seem like you're from around here, where are you from?"

"Phoenix, Arizona, born and raised," I said with a hint of triumph. Arizona isn't exactly the classiest state, but to survive the summers was definitely a feat.

"Oh! I actually went to Phoenix not that long ago with my mem- my friends! I didn't get to see much of it before we left though."

I could tell he was going to say his members, but he stopped himself. I know he went to Phoenix. Hell, I saw him while he was in Phoenix. My friends and I pooled together enough money to get all four of us P5 tickets to their concert. Still not sure how our broke college student selves pulled that one off.

Should I tell him?

Well, he'll find out eventually, so why not bite the bullet and tell him now?

I took a deep breath.

"Can I tell you something, Felix?"

His head turned to face me, one eyebrow cocked in curiosity.

"Yeah, what's up?"

"I want to be completely transparent with you, especially since we're apparently soulmates... I know who you are."

I could see him grow stiffer. I continued.

"My friends and I were at the Stray Kids concert in Phoenix. I've been a Stay since before debut. The last 10 minutes has my head absolutely reeling. I never thought that I would meet you or any of your members, let alone have you turn out to be my soulmate. If this makes you uncomfortable, I'm so sorry. It's probably strange hearing all of this; learning that your apparent soulmate knows so much about you while you know so little about them. Not to mention it's probably overwhelming. I mean, we're both still growing up, plus you have the stress of being an idol on top of it," I let my mouth run.

Everything came out like I had just opened the floodgates. I was beyond nervous to hear what he had to say, but also relieved to have said what I did. The last thing I want is to have kept the fact that I knew Felix before he knew me a secret. He deserves to know the truth and not feel like I just used the fact that he's my soulmate for my own personal gain. Keeping him in the dark and using him like that would just be fucked up.

"Okay, wow. First of all, I just wanna say thank you for telling me everything. I also want you to know that the fact that you know who I am doesn't make me uncomfortable. Actually, I'm both flattered and relieved. I won't have to explain being an idol and what that entails for us, so that makes things a lot less stressful. This is completely new territory for both of us, we just need to trust one another and make adjustments as we go," he said as he flashed me a reassuring smile.

"Besides, the fact that you know more about me than I know about you only means I have to spend more time with you and work to know you faster. Plus you get to know a side of me not everyone knows."

"And I'm hoping that side isn't some secret dark side you've been hiding to save face," I gave his shoulder a nudge.

The remainder of the walk to my apartment was relatively quiet. There was a bit of small talk here and there, but nothing extreme. For the most part, we just strolled along in a comfortable silence. It was... suprisingly nice.

One of my personal fears has always been making a fool of myself in front of others or making things awkward; especially with people I looked up to. To be experiencing such a comfortable peace with Felix seemed unreal. Bonus points for only mildly making a fool of myself in the very beginning.

Self improvement baby :)

Even with my poor navigation skills and even worse sense of direction, we made it to my apartment building without any problems.Entering the glass double doors, Felix and I made our way to the elevator. The elevator doors opened with a soft ding and we stepped in. Pressing the button for the third floor, we began our ascent.

When we arrived in front of my door, I almost made the move to input my phone password on the keypad. Force of habit. Realizing what I was about to do, I pulled out my phone and notes app, punching in the number I knew I would've forgotten otherwise. Just as before, a soft beep and click were heard as the door unlocked and we may our way inside.

Shedding our shoes (or feet prisons as my sister would call them), we made our way towards the couch in the small living area the rental possessed. Since we both still had food and drinks from the cafe, I rushed to the kitchen to get plates and utensils for the two of us.

Upon returning to the couch I saw that Felix had already began unpacking our leftovers. I set the plates down and started helping him plate the treats.

"So, you said that you've been a Stay since pre-debut, right?"

"Yeah. I think it was around December of 2017 that I found Stray Kids."

"Wow. Was it random that you stumbled across us, or did you find us through another group?"

"A little bit of both. I first started listening to K-Pop back in 2012, but didn't really get into it until around 2014. From there, I got into F(x), Shinee, and BTS, but I was still more of a casual listener than anything. In 2016 I got into GOT7, Day6, and Twice, so I obviously knew about your label. Funny enough though, I found Stray Kids because one of the people I rode the bus with was talking about how they were upset with how the survival show was going. I think it was right between when you were eliminated and the finale..."

I felt kind of bad bringing up the part about his elimination. I had absolutely no clue if it was still a touchy subject or not. Seeing how far he's come and where he is now, I really hope it isn't and that he doesn't beat himself up over it. JYP's reasoning for it all was complete bullshit anyway.

"Well, that'll make for quite the introduction, huh?"

"For sure. I may not have been there from the very beginning like some others had, but there was definitely some intense feelings of pride seeing you all standing on that stage being told you would debut together."

"I don't think I'll ever forget that moment. Getting there was beyond difficult, but having experienced all I have now, I can 100% say it was worth every second." Felix's eyes shimmered as he spoke. Anyone could tell that he was thinking not only of his members, his brothers, but his fans as well.

Being such a music fanatic, I've seen some bands that you can tell don't care about their fans. While this was way more common in the Western music scene, it did happen in the Kpop world as well. Despite that, I could confidently say that Stray Kids genuinely care for Stay; I could say that before I discovered Felix was my soulmate.

"So do you have any other hobbies or interests besides Stray Kids?"

"Nooo, not at all," I quipped back, my voice oozing sarcasm. A small chuckle was elicited from the freckled boy's throat.

"In all seriousness, music is one of my biggest hobbies. I did musical theatre from age 5 until age 11, I was in choir throughout all of my middle school years, and played trombone in middle school and high school. I don't play a lot now, but I still find the time every now and then. When I wasn't taking part in local musical endeavors, I was at some concert with my friends or my sister. Other than that, I enjoy reading, writing, photography, baking, and cosmetology."

"Quite the artist, aren't you?"

"In every sense except painting or drawing, yes. Ask me to do either of those and I will go running for the hills. Why I can do makeup, but I can't paint or draw I will never know."

"I guess the only explanation is that life is just weird like that sometimes," he laughed again. I always loved his laugh before, but hearing it face-to-face was literal heaven. This boy is straight up an angel, and no one can convince me otherwise.

We spent the next hour or two in my temporary home, conversation continuing to flow. I always knew and acknowledged the fact that idols and other celebrities are normal people just like you and me, but I couldn't help but freak out a little when I met anyone. Of course the same applied to Felix, but I think I got over the shock value faster than I normally would. I didn't really dwell on the fact that he was a world famous idol for long; I honestly almost forgot about it.

Normally, it takes me a while to warm up to people and feel comfortable with them, but Felix seemed to be an exception. The more we spoke and got to know one another, the longer I felt I had known him. Talking with him almost felt like talking with my best friend since preschool.

Just as conversation was beginning to die down a bit, Felix's phone buzzed from the table. He quickly picked it up and checked the notification. I watched him read the words sprawled across his screen, his smile slightly falling.

"Have to go back to the JYP building?" I inquired.

"Yeah. We have a performance in a few days, so we've been drilling pretty hard lately. I'm honestly kinda surprised that I didn't get called back sooner. It's been a few hours since I left," he explained while rubbing the nape of his neck.

"Well, I've already kept you here longer than I probably should have. I don't want to get you in trouble with your members or any staff."

"I suppose you have a point... but how about you come with me?"

"...come with you?"

"Yeah, come with me to JYP, meet my members, watch us practice. Everyone there has to meet you eventually since we're soulmates and all, so why not take care of it sooner rather than later?"

"I don't really have any other specific plans for today, so it could work. But are you sure bringing me won't get you in trouble?"

"As long as it doesn't interfere with our work, you should be good to go. I'm sure you'll be fine. It's not like you're gonna run around wreaking havoc or anything."

"Okay, let's head out then."

We quickly cleaned the living area, grabbed what we needed, and made our way back to the entrance of my building. Hailing the closest cab, Felix and I got in. He gave the cab driver the address to the JYP building and we were on our way.

I guess I'm meeting the rest of Stray Kids now.

<prev  |  next>

[clericbyers]

[ based off this prompt on the topic of Mike realizing the crush he has on Will when Will returns to Hawkins with a new style and confident air about him ]

Will is more confident, more outspoken, more stylish, more himself than everyone ever knew before. Well, besides Mike. This is the Will he’s always known existed, the confident heartfelt smiling boy they had rarely seen since his disappearance all those years ago. 14 months away from Hawkins let Will be that person for the world instead of just Mike in the privacy of just the two of them. Mike isn’t sure how to feel; he’s happy that Will is happy—how could he not be?—but there’s a sizzling pond of jealousy blocking him from making the leap into complete satisfaction about this “new” Will.

He also hates how Will’s smile has got his heart doing laps in his chest. Oh, and how warm Will’s hand is against Mike’s bicep when he grips him while laughing. Also, how deep his voice has gotten, and how he glows a little when they make eye contact and Will states again how much he’s missed Mike.

Mike though has always been surprisingly transparent with his friends when it comes to his emotions, so when Will leaves to get changed into more comfortable winter clothing for their Party stroll, the rest of them turn on Mike with the speed of vipers.

“What got lodged up your ass and died, Wheeler?” Lucas scoffs with shock in his tone. “I thought you’d be more, well, excited to see our best friend back.

“I’m fine,” Mike spits back but his hands are fidgeting at his side and his cheeks are going pink. “And I am excited, Lucas.”

“You could have fooled me,” Max snorts from his side. The two are linking arms and Mike’s eyes linger for a moment before darting back to the door Will currently resides behind. “Are you and Will okay?”

“We’re fine. Peachy. Dandy. Why are you acting like this?”

“Because you’re acting like this,” exclaims Dustin. “You’ve been brooding since Will walked through your front doors, Mike, and you can’t say you’re not because it’s very obvious.”

Mike sputters. “Brooding? I’m not—I mean, seriously it’s just—no, I’m perfectly happy and satisfied right now.”

Dustin and Lucas exchange a look and Mike cries out in anguish. Max laughs heartily and then suddenly cuts herself off with a whistle. Mike whips around so fast his neck hurts a little but he can barely notice the pain when he spots Will standing in his bedroom doorway. Mike’s lips unconsciously part and his brain melts in his skull before any complete, coherent thought can be drafted.

Will’s wearing a soft beige sweater that’s a little big on him and pools over his shoulders and arms into sweater paws hiding the rings on his fingers. A golden necklace sparkles on his neck and Mike is struck with the sudden thought that perhaps it’s a necklace his girlfriend gave him and that swamps Mike with emotions he doesn’t want to parse ever. What he does remind himself though is that Will never mentioned having a girlfriend over the phone so it’s probably just Mike’s lizard brain jumping to conclusions.

Mike’s eyes trail down the dark wash jeans that seem really long—Will’s grown a lot, still shorter than Mike, but a lot taller than before—and look nice on him paired with the sweater. His sneakers look pretty new as well, not hand-me-downs like he’d been wearing for years. Mike pulls his eyes back up and takes in another deep breath when he locks eyes with Will. The bowl cut is gone, his forehead and ears are visible and he looks so—well, Mike can’t find a word for it because handsome is too formal and cute is for girls, but the quiff and trim haircut that’s so perfect for Will’s face has Mike’s hands sweaty and his mouth dry and he really can’t think straight.

“How do I look?” Will asks and he’s got that voice, his Mike voice as El put it once after a call a few months back. Even if Mike didn’t already assume Will was asking him and not the group at large, that voice would have confirmed it.

“Uh, you look,” and Mike’s brain cycles through hundreds of words from vocabulary tests over the years and yet, he still settles on, “pretty.”

Silence consumes the hallway outside Mike’s room and Will turns bright pink with a squeaky, “W-what?”

Mike is quick to shut his mouth and cough into his fist in an attempt to regain control of the conversation. He crosses his arms and leans against the wall with a huff. “I said you look shitty.”

“Shitty,” questions Will with a knowing smirk and Mike might actually die if Will does that again. “I’ll take it.”

The confidence raidiating from Will makes him far more touchy than ever before. Mike doesn’t even realize until Will’s return how much he himself always initiated contact between the two of them. Now that Will is the one reaching out to grab Mike’s arm, or patting his shoulder, or standing close enough that their pinkies might brush, Mike doesn’t know if he still has any brain left to compute the fact that Will is quite possibly flirting with him.

The more frightening part is that Mike really doesn’t mind it at all.

“I, uh,” stutters Mike when Will steps to his side and faces the rest of the group. “We should go? Before more snow falls. You know, uh, the weather said there would be more snow. Which makes sense because it’s winter. December. Snow season.”

“I can’t tell if brooding Mike or flustered Mike is better,” Lucas stage whispers to his girlfriend who giggles in response.

Mike sends him a dirty look before letting his gaze dart to Will beside him. The other boy is looking up at him and when they make eye contact, Will smiles, Mike’s heart flips, and Dustin makes kissy noises from the other side of Max. Mike flushes terribly and storms down the hall yelling at his friends to make their way outside. He gets stopped by his mom at the door where she forces his hands into gloves, wraps a scarf around his neck, and slaps a beanie atop his curled locks.

“Cute,” laughs Will when he passes Mike on the way out the door. He pats him on the arm on the way and Mike kinda stands in the doorway watching everyone else and wondering why in the hell he can’t stop thinking about Will.

El makes her way behind him and slips her hand into his own. Mike turns to share a smile with her before they both close the door and head over to the others. He definitely doesn’t let go of El’s hand once he notices Will watching them, it’s just that his glove is a little loose and he needs to adjust it. He definitely doesn’t find a way to stand next to Will while the Party crunches through fresh snow just to be near him and possible let their shoulders brush every few steps, he’s just falling into old habits from their younger years. He absolutely does not laugh a little harder at Will’s dumb jokes and stories about his new friends, and he certainly does not keep mentioning that he and El are friends now as if everyone doesn’t know that already. He just wants to make it clear to everyone that he’s very much single.

At some point during their stroll, Will and Mike end up behind the others chatting about simultaneously nothing and everything. It’s so familiar hanging out with Will like this that Mike can almost forget that he was gone for over a year. Will suddenly sneezes and Mike pulls them to a stop with concern. “Are you good?”

“It’s just a sneeze, Mike,” he huffs with a roll of the eyes. “I’m fine.”

Mike scowls and unwraps his own scarf. He loops it around Will’s neck, ignoring the thumping in his chest from being so close and, well, intimate with this act. Will won’t stop looking up at him, big colorful eyes swimming with something Mike can’t decipher but it keeps his gaze when he pats the scarf down. It keeps his gaze when his fingers trail up the scarf to caress Will’s pink-cold cheeks.

“Your nose is red,” whispers Will and the comment should have broken whatever this moment is but he’s using the Mike voice so Mike only smiles and hopes he doesn’t look like some lovesick fool.

“Yeah? Your’s too.”

Will grabs at Mike’s biceps and steps a little closer. Mike feels his heart leap into his throat. Will’s eyes are so green and there’s snowflakes on his lashes—oh, they should head back before the snow starts falling too hard. Mike opens his mouth to tell Will that maybe they should get to the others but Will closes the gap, leaning up on his toes, and Mike is shocked into silence.

Mike wonders if the snowflakes falling on his face are melting from the pure heat in his cheeks brought by Will’s kiss. His eyes flutter shut before he can think about the fact that he’s kissing Will, he’s kissing a boy, he’s never been attracted to boys before but it’s Will Byers, so it’s okay. This is okay. Mike does love Will, always has, and this kissing stuff is new, but it also feels so inevitable as the next step in their friendship. So Mike leans in, tightening his grip on Will’s face as he melts into the kiss and takes what Will is giving him.

They only break apart when Mike gets smacked in the back of the head by a snowball. He cries out and spins on his heel to glare at Dustin, who is cackling and doubled over in laughter. Lucas and Max are smiling and El is grinning at Dustin’s side with a happiness Mike hasn’t seen in a long time. Will laughs and Mike turns back to him, a question in his eyes that Will answers with a soft smile. He takes Mike’s gloved hand in his and pulls him forward with a call for the others to follow his lead.

Mike is a little dazed for the first minute or so, but once his brain comes back into his body, he tries not to have a complete breakdown before they make it back to the Wheeler house. Will gives him a glance and then squeezes his hand in comfort.

“I’ve been wanting to do that for years,” he comments casually. “Never had the courage to do so and then, well, El came into our lives and I never had the chance.”

“Will,” Mike croaks into the cold air. He watches his puff of breath and then sighs. “I—I didn’t know.”

“About?”

“How you felt. How I feel.”

Will hums. “Sometimes it takes being away from the situation to realize what’s there.”

They walk hand-in-hand through the streets for a few minutes before Mike speaks up again. “I, uh, I didn’t say you looked shitty back at the house.”

“I know.” Will grins up at him. “You called me pretty. I’m honestly flattered, Mike.”

“Hey! I just—you look so cool and awesome and you. Just, you.” Mike’s voice faulters. “I missed you in more ways than I thought I guess.”

“Yeah? I guess that explains your brooding.”

“I wasn’t brooding!” scoffs Mike. “I was just surprised seeing you so open with everyone else. It’s weird.”

“Jealous much?”

Mike shoves Will and grins when the boy laughs happily and turns to shove Mike back. Mike grabs him by the arm and pulls him in, taking an arm to his waist before spinning him around. Will yelps once his feet are off the ground but then giggles once he’s brought back to the ground. Mike is so overwhelmed with emotions—he’s never been good at keeping a good reign in on them—that he kisses Will so desperately as if the moment might slip from his fingers if they aren’t kissing.

Mike laughs as he pulls away, Will a little discombobulated but still smiling despite the sudden kiss. He knows that they have to talk things through at some point, what with Will living far enough away and Mike himself coming to full terms with, well, liking Will and wanting him this way, but for now, under the slowly falling snowflakes with twin smiles on their lips, Mike can only think about keeping Will at his side for as long as possible. Preferably forever and then some.

[smolbeandrabbles]

Just Another Thing - Phil Beckman x Reader (Knowing)

This Kiss

GIF Credit: X

Author’s Note: “HOLD ON!!” I hear you splutter “SHE FINALLY WROTE THAT SEQUEL TO THIS KISS SHE PROMISED US BACK WHEN SHE WROTE IT IN JUNE!?” Yes. Yes I did! 😏 What can I say. I missed this man.

Also I watched it the other day, and therefore have thrown MIT in as liberally as possible-!  Disclaimer: Knowing Characters not mine / lyrics not mine / gifs not mine - see credit. It’s about the only set on this website 😉

Premise: As expected, you’re unable to concentrate in your lecture. And Phil is justly rewarded for his curiosity. But your affair has bigger things to worry about than that right now, and make no mistake, Phil Beckman wont stand for it... 

Words: 4404

Warnings: May-December Romance / Student/Teacher Relationship  / swearing / sexual connotations & pre-amble

____ I ought to know better but you know that never stopped me before Yeah, my wheels just have a way of spinning, always ending back at your door So add your name to the list Of all the things I can't seem to kick Just like smoking, just like drinking, I'm a fool for ever thinking I'm done Yeah, I always break that promise, if I'm honest it ain't ever just one Or two, when I'm running into you I'm right back on that road, pushing that first domino Yeah you're just another kiss, another Friday night I shouldn't be wasting Just another "what you doing later on?" I shouldn't be saying I got my excuses, no I don't know why I do it You're just another, just another thing I shouldn't be doing --- At least you were correct on one thing. You couldn’t successfully sit through two hours of John Koestler without getting distracted, or clock watching. All you could think of was the way Phil had pulled back from you curiously with his hands under your dress wanting to know what you were wearing. He was less than two hours away from finding out at all points of this lecture. But you didn’t think one had ever gone so slowly. John was always interesting, and you were mostly attentive of what he said because he had a habit of giving his tutees pop quizzes any time they went to 1:1s or had questions, just to make sure you’d been paying attention to at least the rest of his lecture. You knew you were likely to fail the next one. Maybe you could get Phil to bail you out of that-! Even your friends all knew you were distracted, but would never have guessed the reason in a million years. Sometimes you’d heard your friends talk about how stunning lecturers were – or some of the lab technicians – and Phil was, on occasion, the hot topic. But you never took any bait offered to you. Besides, they were right, he was hot and deserved to be the only one you ever talked about, and you had all the facts. But, you instead opted to spend your college time as far from single as you could get. It not like you were ever meant to get involved with Phil, after all. Your problem was, what had started off as a good romance – perhaps even something promising, was now a break-up-make-up-break-up nightmare. And you weren’t sure who was keeping who and for what reason. Probably good cover for any time you’d been with Phil and had to walk into a classroom right afterwards looking flushed with a bruise in a risqué place. So long as they think that’s what was distracting you, you weren’t going to say otherwise. None of them were going to assume it was John, and you’d for sure set them straight on that one immediately. The bell wasn’t even merciful on you, observing that your note page was practically blank as you collected your things and slung your bag back over your shoulder - Yeah, there was no way you were remembering a minute of this class. You exited with your friends, itching to spring across the campus into Phil’s office and subsequently his arms. However, Ethan was waiting for you outside the building. Oh… shit… You sighed softly, the girls nudging you with giggles. He was tall and conventionally attractive. On the football team – but not the quarterback, which was fine with you. “Hey-!” He dipped his frame to kiss your cheek, surveying what you were wearing with as much interest as any other boy on campus was. You nearly huffed; still not for you! “Girls-!” He gave your friends a soft wink as they left you to it. “Hi!” “How was your day?” “It’s gone pretty good yeah-!” If he’d let you get on it’d be better, “Yours?” “Better now.” He gave a grin, “Hey, babe, I was thinking we could go out and grab dinner… movie at my place?” “Oh.” This was where problems always started – nothing he’d suggested was bad, if it was a usual night. But not right now… “I have a 1:1 now, and then I was gonna study.” “We can study together?” He immediately suggested, and then pressed; “Who is your 1:1 with? I can wait.” “Well it’s not like I know how long it’s gonna be…” “Who is it with?” Ethan demanded; eyes narrowed. “Phil Beckman.” You were a little uneasy about that, why was he interested? “Oh. He’s your favourite, right?” And jealous. And right now made you wish you’d never mentioned Phil at all, once, ever. “He’s a good teacher…” “Skip it – say you forgot-!” “What!? No, I need to go ask him about this it’s important--!” Please don’t make this hard… “Just send him an email-! How hard is that-!?” “Ethan.” You sighed, “Please. I need to see him.” “Why?!” Well you weren’t gonna give him a straight answer, “This work is due. Tomorrow, babe, I promise.” “Fine.” But it was obvious he wasn’t happy. “Fine-!” He therefore didn’t say goodbye and turned to walk back to his car, kicking leaves and stones as he went. You raised an eyebrow and rolled your eyes; this is exactly why you spent your relationship efforts on a man. There was no way in hell you’d ever think Phil would behave like this. You brushed it off and turned back in the direction you wanted to head – you had way more important things to worry about now. *** Phil opened his office door with a smirk, leaning against the door frame with his arm up – like for a second he wasn’t about to let you in. But the way he looked at you made your mood instantly brighten. He took a half step forward, twisting his body to see if anyone else was around. You both knew how to keep it quiet if people were in the offices either side of his, but if no one was at least you could be a little more vocal. He stepped in to let you past, and you noticed his blinds were already all closed – that allowed you to bite your lip a little harder. “How was the lecture?” “Terrible...” “Oh! Really?! John’s lectures are supposed to be riveting!” You let him round you, so that your back was now to his wall, covered with an intricate array of star charts and planetary information. And other pieces he was working on for papers. You’d asked him about nearly all of them and at this point could probably recite them, or do his research, yourself; but heck – you’d been in here enough. “Well yeah, but I wasn’t really listening. I was thinking about you...” “Oh?” Phil took the step forward that made you concede one, pressing your back up against the wall. “Oh? Mr.Beckman, don’t pretend you don’t know that…” “Mr.Beckman?” He questioned with a playful smile, “Good think I’ve been sitting thinking about you this past 30 minutes…” Phil’s smirk was as equally delicious as he was, “…You are quite the distraction…” You bit your lip again, this time far more seductively, “Speak for yourself.” He placed his hands above your head, pulling in his forearms and also pressing them to the wall – his lips touched yours – and your hands were on him before he could do anything about it. You wanted that overshirt off, you wanted his shirt off, you wanted him to hoist you up against this wall and you wanted your dress on the floor… you wanted marks all over you. You needed him to make you his once more. His lips moved from your mouth to your neck, following the trail of your pulse – your nails raking up his back and through his hair. The day was over; Phil would let you mess it up now. You found yourself staring at the ceiling for a few blissful moments and almost giggled – Phil had once spent a great deal of time sticking stars up there in constellation forms; because once you’d make the mistake of telling him that climaxing with him was like shooting to the stars. He’d laughed, considering his profession, and the next thing you knew he’d stuck the plastic shapes to the ceiling and declared ‘Now you can be with them. Among them-!’ He pulled away with a slight growl to his voice. Your heart leapt – you always wanted to hear that. Phil with that tone thrilled you, it always happened when he was turned on. “Your dresses drive me insane. Stop wearing them in class. It’s not going to end well and I’m going to get suspended, is that what you want?” His lips grazed yours again as he brought his hands down to your hips. You sighed – wanting them under your dress again. No, of course you didn’t want him to get suspended… But Phil knew you wore them for him – and you were fairly certain he didn’t really want you to stop. The dress didn’t really matter, all it was doing was hiding everything else; what he actually deserved. “It’s not even the dress...” You breathed, watching his gorgeous blue eyes darken further by the second “…What I want most is it on the floor…” He tipped his head; bringing his hands to the buttons – remembering the feeling of lace under his fingertips. This had to be good. Phil’s fingers worked quickly through them as his kisses became rougher – but his choices of where to place them, almost with pinpoint precision, was where he knew would make you moan the loudest. Phil responded to that by grinding his hips into yours, and this time you moaned his name. It wasn’t fair that this man felt so right. That it could feel quite this good to be with him. He pushed the unbuttoned dress over your shoulders and it felt to the floor. Phil took a step back, biting his lip a little at the marks he knew were going to be left along your collarbone. Hardly caring, because not only would you be unconcerned, but he’d probably end up with his own collection before he left this evening. But ever since this had started, you liked buying different lingerie, literally for the sole purpose of him taking it off. You always noted styles, colours and fabrics that Phil liked best. Lace being one of them. Phil was classic – he liked black, red and pink lace and satin… and eccentric patterns. But also anything he deemed unusual – you’d worn lime green once as a joke and he’d been pretty impressed. Phil growled again, this time a little louder; “…Black Lace…?” He ran his fingertips under your panties and you gasped again, “…For me?” He chuckled, sliding them down your legs as he kissed you once more; “Oh, darling, you needn’t have…” ***  Every so often you’d go a week or so without being lectured by him – either because his classes had labs conducted by someone else, or because you had home study time rather than having to attend class. You saw him around but you both knew better than to see too much of each other. Whatever illusion you were trying to keep up. But every time you caught a glimpse of him whilst heading to another tutorial, or passing in corridors in lectures and you got to smile and say ‘Hi!’ was certainly the highlight of your day. You also both got to laugh privately at the outfits you wore when you didn’t have to see each other. Of course, you were still in summer dresses but they were a little more modest, or you wore leggings under them, and he rarely wore his black jacket; opting instead for ringer-tees and looser fitting clothing, occasionally with slogans on. And you hated to tell him that he probably didn’t look as cool as he thought he did. Which reminded you that you still hadn’t told him how hot he looked in that black number. Phil was at least glad that it gave both of you the opportunity to work – or focus on work. But that didn’t mean he didn’t think about you, and often. And it wasn’t like he didn’t look up your class schedule and make sure that wherever he was walking might coincide with your exit from lectures. Today however, he was walking across the MIT grounds with John – talking about each other current set of research papers – he was sipping good coffee and so absorbed in the science of everything that even though he missed you, you were the furthest thing from his mind. Even when John started to make jokes about Phil getting a girlfriend. “Nah-! Man. Nah-! That’s not… I’m good!” He laughed, “I’m perfectly fine-!” As they kept walking, they realised that many of the students were weaving out of the way of something going down in the middle of the campus. And as they approached, they realised that shouting was quickly turning to screaming. They both stopped dead. Your friends were standing over to one side looking like they might rather be anywhere else, the other students were dispersing and heading to their own classes as quickly as possible; except from those curious enough to slow their walks down to watch the entertainment. Of course, the ‘entertainment’ was you and Ethan. Having a fall out in the middle of campus was not an ideal situation, but this shouldn’t have surprised you. And this argument was just about as vicious as usual – both of you throwing words you’d end up pretending you didn’t mean. Phil’s eyebrows furrowed; he didn’t like this for obvious reasons. But he wasn’t sure he could get involved either. John just shook his head; “AH, yeah. I can understand why you wouldn’t…” “Shit, we surly can’t allow them to scream at each other in the middle of campus-?” “I dunno. Twenty somethings…? You ever seen these two go at it before? It happens all the time. They’ll just make up in a few hours.” Phil narrowed his eyes, disliking that even more; “You think smart girls wouldn’t get involved in something like that!” John raised an eyebrow at his friend; “Oh, the whiles of being young!” Phil scoffed, running a hand through his hair – “I still think we should stop this.” He ground his teeth together nearly full on glaring at Ethan. Justified, because then it started getting physical – and the second Ethan put his hands on you Phil wasn’t looking for John’s permission. You pulled away but he grabbed you again – and this kept happening; Ethan continued to drag you back as you pulled away from him, and with both of you still yelling at each other this wasn’t about to end well at all. “HEY!” He pushed his coffee into John’s chest and started across the grass. Not my girl! “Phil-! Hey- Phil-!” John’s protests were ignored “HEY-! HEY-! LET HER GO!” As Ethan’s grip only seemed to tighten on you Phil was seeing red; How fucking dare he!! Funnily enough that looked to be near enough what you were saying – and you didn’t even notice Phil until he was practically next to you. “MAN! I SAID LET HER GO!” “She’s my girlfriend-! I’ll do what I like.” Phil almost did a double-take. Ethan! You are walking a thin line! Then took a deep breath and pushed between the two of you. You reeled, rubbing your wrist, but also hardly believing this was about to happen. “She’s not YOURS!!!” Phil’s arm was out, and you knew he was essentially protecting you. He was shorter than Ethan but older; and right now, fierce. But that rung in your ears ‘she’s not yours!’ Oh…Phil… He seemed to realise what he’d said too; “Y/N is NOT a possession!” He took a breath, and stilled his anger – this boy was still a student after all “…No girl is.” His eyes flicked back to see if you were alright, but you were nearly in a world of your own. Did he… did he feel the same thing for you as you did for him? What was he thinking? That was dangerous…! Ethan scoffed, “Yeah, whatever man.” “Ethan.” Phil tipped his head, “I know I might not lecture you, but I know the people who do. And more importantly, I know the coach. You really think he’s gonna wanna hear about this?” Phil turned again, seeing the marks on your arm – and suddenly having a pretty good idea that the bruises on you weren’t always from him. “…Or see pretty hard evidence…” His swivel back was measured, if Ethan wasn’t careful Phil was going to deck him. Luckily, Phil had got a pretty good handle of the situation, and Ethan swallowed hard – stepping back. His body was still between you and him, but Ethan had to take one last jab; “Now you need some teacher defending you-!? You’re just fucking lucky-!” He shouldered his bag and stalked off, leaving Phil to yell after him again. “COOL IT-!” Once Ethan was across the other end of the field, he turned back to you voice immediately alarmed; “You alright-!?” “Yeah…” You straightened your dress of choice today and neatened your hair – “It happens often, I’m used to it.” “And you’re still with the guy-!?” “Phil.” You sighed gently, “It’s… this isn’t the place or time…” you bit your lip, “Please…” “Don’t ask me not to make a scene after that-! Are you sure you’ll be okay!?” You nodded up to your friends still standing awkwardly off to one side “…Yeah…” He followed your eyeline and had to concede that. “Okay. Just take care... Be careful.” You couldn’t help your smile at the concern filling his eyes, and extending to the rest of his features, he was leaned in, his back bent to get closer to you. Still fairly protective.  If you were alone you knew you’d have reached out to hold him, to kiss him in thanks. Heck – it was hard to not to do so right now. “I will. I promise…” You took a few steps back; “Thank you…” “You’re welcome.” Then he grinned, “Anytime.” And you knew he meant it. Phil watched you nod, then turn to go back to your friends, who were all ready to welcome you with open arms. “Y/N!” he couldn’t resist making you look back at him; he missed you this close. “If it happens again – my door is always open. I’ll follow through. I promise.” You almost blushed; “Thank you… Mr.Beckman… I’ll keep that in mind.” ***  Phil didn’t really think he needed to worry about you – you didn’t come and see him, and you didn’t email him either. Things hadn’t quite graduated to having each other’s numbers, although if you ever asked him, he knew he’d give it up in a heartbeat. You were grown up yourself now, a young adult, you didn’t need him to hover around you like a parent – which would have obviously been completely the wrong word. You could take care of yourself, Phil knew that too. He’d rather you come to him if you really needed him. Today he was immersing himself in some practical work with the other scientists and thoroughly enjoying not having to deal with students for once. He didn’t have papers to mark and – away from his desk – no emails to answer from people who clearly hadn’t been listening in lectures. Sometimes he rolled his eyes and thought about sending them over to you, but never did. If only they had her intuition-! Also, Phil was sometimes selfish with his time and wanted to give it to those who wanted to excel to the next level – he had plenty of final years wanting to do their PHDs and Doctorates, go into the field, and lecture themselves – or those that were genuinely struggling despite doing everything they could. Which caused him to sarcastically respond to some of the other students on Saturday nights when he got takeout and had nothing better to do. Today was also when you turned up again. It was a few minutes before he spotted you, immersed in measurements and brainstorming around machines and the gigantic telescope that MIT had installed here. But when he did spot you, Phil immediately became worried – you were crying. And that wasn’t what he wanted to see. He gently touched his colleague on the shoulder to excuse himself, to which she gave him a gentle smile – and ran across the lab to you. “Y/N-!” His voice was filled with the concern etched across his face, “Oh, sweetheart what’s wrong?” “I- He--- He--” I fucking warned him! - Phil had to be careful with the way he touched you here, “Oh…Oh God! Okay. Okay, sweetheart, come on… come on, lets go to my office… It’s gonna be okay, It’ll be okay…” By now the scientists Phil was working with had turned to see where he was running to and he held his hand up to excuse himself. But they thankfully seemed to understand, most were female, and he thought they’d probably appreciate where you were coming from. But maybe not why you’d go to him. At least he could explain the fight in the grounds, although he was sure that’d got around the campus by now. Phil led you up to his office, hand moving from hovering over your shoulder to your lower back, slamming the door shut – in anger at Ethan – he locked it. “What did he fucking do to you-!?” “No… No, Phil it’s… it’s not like that… he didn’t…” This was strange for you, this was a side to Phil Beckman you’d never even glimpsed before now – seeing you and Ethan fighting had really shaken him up, like suddenly it was a reality that you were technically ‘with’ someone else. And Phil didn’t like it one bit. “Don’t lie to me. Sweetheart, don’t lie to me. I promise, I will make him regret it – and if he comes for you again, he’s gonna wish he never fucking touched you.” He rubbed your arms, soothingly, forehead to yours; “Darling, what happened?” “You saw what he did to me when we were outside on campus. You think he’s any better when we’re together? He’s not exactly your biggest fan…” “Well that was obvious. Don’t tell me he took me out on you-!?” “He takes everything out on me.” You sighed, “And now especially you.” Phil narrowed his eyes; “He’s not good enough for you. You know that right?” “Phil-” “He’s certainly no good for you, and he doesn’t deserve you.” “Phil, please don’t-” “He’s hurting you. I don’t know if it’s because you think you need him so desperately as cover for this, but…” Phil shook his head, and you thought he was about to start welling up “I can’t watch him hurt you…” He pressed a delicate kiss to your forehead and then your lips, “Do you need to stay here a while, I’ll stay with you you know that…” His left hand moved to yours, as his right moved to your side, pulling you protectively to him. But you winced, and checking the position of his hands, Phil knew there was no way that Ethan was leaving bruises on you like that just pushing you around… And suddenly his cheeks were burning, and you could read that expression as well as anything. Phil was jealous - you could think of many reasons why. Ethan could show you off, could be with you outside and off and on campus. Ethan was your age. And then the one that was more obvious, your intimacy. You let his hand go and took his face in your hands, “Phil… Phil – I’m not. We didn’t…” You shook your head, “I’m here. I’m here with you. I’m not having sex with him.” You pressed your lips to his, hard, as if that would prove it. “…How can a man like you be jealous of someone like that?” He sighed; “Because of everything he gets to be with you…” But he returned your kisses, slow and loving. “How can someone like you be with a man like him?” “Maybe I’m not as smart as you think I am…” You ran your hands up his chest, and he didn’t stop you, gripping onto his overshirt. “Bullshit.” “You think I don’t get jealous too?” For a minute Phil wasn’t sure how to answer that, but then he chuckled, and very nearly smirked. If you cared enough to get jealous too. He didn’t have a girlfriend, that much was true – but he did have a lot of female colleagues. And you knew he was an all-around nice guy - Phil had a certain charm – and you were sure that you weren’t the only woman in the University enamoured with it. “It’s kinda cute when you’re jealous – that I would have to admit…” You gripped him tighter with a small pout, not exactly liking that, as he thought. Then Phil threw your phrasing right back at you; “It’s not like I’m having sex with them though, is it?” He wasn’t sure that sex was the right word; that made it neither here nor there. But Phil wasn’t sure which one it was – and he was afraid to call it either way. You let his overshirt go, running your hands beneath it; allowing your fingertips to splay over his heart – before leaning forward, pushing your forehead to his. He closed his eyes, allowing you to have that moment of calm to yourself. Before you moved to brush your lips to his – a sweeter kiss than usual – and he pulled you closer, holding you tighter. You ran your hands into his hair, and only tentatively pulled away. “Y/N…” He breathed your name, sending shivers over your skin – gorgeous blue eyes reopening – “As your lecturer I can only advise you on your work here, perhaps your career. I can perhaps implore you – if you came to me with something more personal. Off the record advice…” Phil took a breath, and he sounded hurt; possibly more because of his feelings for you than anything else, “…But as whatever we are. I would beg you to leave him, I would beg you so I don’t have to worry about you being hurt. You don’t deserve to have someone you love hurt you.” You blinked multiple times, hardly daring to believe the words coming out of his mouth. Not because of what was said, but because of the choice it presented you. One you weren’t sure you could afford to pass up. You looked between his eyes, hands gathering in the middle of his chest, you took a deep breath and swallowed - looking away, just to look back into his eyes with renewed confidence; “I don’t love him.” The silence was momentary – the urgency to reply was great, but in reading what you were really telling him you both needed that moment of gravitas. Phil found himself saying the words before he knew he was saying them. But upon doing so knew he’d desperately wanted to say them for a long time; “I love you too.”

---

Thank You For Reading! 😘

@menndelsohn​ @3134045126​​ @happyskywhale​ @wltz-bby​ #MendoTagSquad

[queensofrap]

Cardi B in the March 2019 issue of Harper’s BAZAAR. QUEEN.

Cardi B Opens Up About Her "Rags to Riches" Cinderella Story

When Cardi B visits her favorite nail salon in the Bronx, she enters through a raggedy hallway covered with a rug emblazoned with the image of a $100 bill. The salon, which overlooks a bustling avenue of pizza shops, sports-gear superstores, and boutiques with weaves in 70 colors, is a temple to money, excess, and sexiness, symbolized in the application of nails that look like diamond-encrusted Buck knives. Portraits of two icons of pulchritude hang on the walls—namely, Marilyn Monroe and the very 2019 version of Marilyn: Cardi. 

With a posse that includes her dad, her half-sister, her half-brother, and two Drogosize bodyguards whose names I don’t catch but imagine to be Bulwark and Spear, Cardi, 26, heads toward a private side room. She surrenders her hands and feet to Jenny Bui, her sharp-tongued nail tech of more than half a decade, even back when she didn’t have the money to move out of this borough.

A tiny, makeup-less sprite in magenta leggings and a playful Moschino sweatshirt, Cardi talks about where she’s at today. On one hand, she says, “I feel like my life is a fairy tale and I’m a princess—rags to riches, people trying to sabotage,” she says. But she also complains fervently about being over the fairy-tale life and wanting peace and quiet. “Before, I cared about everything—relationship, gossip. Now I don’t feel like I have the time to please people,” she explains. “I don’t care about anything anymore—just my career and my kid.” What about money, the thing she raps about caring for quite a bit? “Well, I care about my career because of my money,” Cardi says, giving me a “c’mon, stupid” face.

“Before,” in this context, means before the tectonic shifts that have taken place in Cardi’s life in the past year: that she became a global superstar; relocated from New York to Atlanta to live with the charismatic rapper Offset, her new husband; gave birth to an unplanned but much loved daughter, Kulture Kiari, in July; then, five months later, after the drip-drip-drip of rumors about Offset’s infidelity, announced on Instagram that the marriage was over.

Today Cardi tells me that Offset has been to her apartment, but they haven’t seen each other and are “not really” talking, which is a bit hard to believe after she shows me videos of her gurgling baby on her iPhone and happens to scroll past a photo of Offset with a time stamp reading today. When I ask her if she’s getting back with Offset, I can almost hear her curious entourage, who have arranged themselves on sofas on the perimeter of the room, lean forward to catch the answer. For a moment, the only sound is Bui engaging in some hard-hat-level sanding and scraping of the star’s three-inch nails. Then Cardi says both, “I don’t think so,” and “Who knows? You never know, you can never tell,” neither of which is exactly a definitive answer.

I’ve interviewed dozens of pop stars, and Cardi, despite the massive entourage and the bear-claw-like nails, seems the most normal. She’s not the most down-to-earth or the most perfect, and she’s definitely not the least into social media, but she knows who she is and where she came from, and has somehow managed to keep expressing genuine emotions in the face of blockbuster success. And while her emotions can sometimes seem out of control, who hasn’t been there? We might not have screamed and thrown a shoe at Nicki Minaj at a Harper’s Bazaar event this past September (in retribution, Cardi has said, for various slights from Minaj, including liking a negative comment about her parenting skills), or allegedly ordered an attack on two female bartenders at a strip club visited by Offset (a judge issued orders of protection in December for the accusers), but we’ve all been mad as hell. And the unbearable cuteness and sexiness of Cardi, a raunchy L.O.L. doll, quickly erases those moments, drowning them in adorable high jinks.  

Leaving aside the fake nails and boob implants, with Cardi the artifice is in the artwork. In the space of less than a year, her music, videos, and fashion have made her a star of Lady Gaga proportions. She releases hit after hit; following last summer’s “I Like It,” the first Latin trap song to rise to number one on the Billboard Hot 100, with “Money,” a song, unsurprisingly, about money. In the video, she wears gorgeous clothes (she’s got “10 different looks and my looks all kill,” she raps), including outfits referencing Thierry Mugler, a gold bikini inspired by 1990s Lil’ Kim’s, and a custom Christian Cowan bodysuit fabricated from dozens of actual watches. She’s a post-Kardashian American superstar, a master of selfies, belfies, late-night Instagram videos, and all other manner of self-promotion— and also a creative genius. In 2019, no one needs to pick.  

Raised in the Bronx, Cardi was the naturally rebellious daughter of a Trinidadian-born cashier mother and a Dominican Republic–born cabdriver father. Her mother was strict. Nevertheless she joined the notorious Bloods gang, moved out of her mother’s home and in with a boyfriend and, finding herself broke, took a job as a cashier at a grocery store. To build a nest egg, she became a stripper. To build a bigger nest egg, she became a hot girl on social media. In 2015, she was cast as a lovable loudmouth on the VH1 reality show Love & Hip Hop: New York, then began releasing her own mixtapes. Her debut single, “Bodak Yellow,” went to the top of the charts, and it took her only one album to achieve escape velocity: Invasion of Privacy, arguably the best debut album from a female rapper since Lil’ Kim’s 1996 Hard Core. 

It’s an intense time for Cardi, now one of the biggest rappers—and one of the most famous women in the world—caring for an infant and dealing with a semi-estranged husband. Her answer is to be as real as she can. As much as she may imagine herself as a princess, she talks about admiring Meghan Markle for becoming a real one. “She must just be like, ‘Who am I?’” Cardi says, referring to Markle’s having to live by the royal family’s rules. Not being able to be herself would be the worst punishment for Cardi. 

Up and down, joy and pain, sunshine and rain—we’ve experienced all her days on her social media channels, where she posts close-up, emotional videos like an Instagram mime. She’s not your typical grasping celebrity, and doesn’t get off on endless adulation. “I work with somebody who gives me compliments all day, and I’m like, ‘Oh, my gosh, can you just stop?’” she says.   

Cardi’s fans have been so protective of her that when Offset broke in to her set at a concert, walking onstage with a $15,000 rolling floral display made of 2,000 roses that read TAKE ME BACK CARDI, they exploded on social media with anger over a man who refused to take a woman’s “no” at face value. (A backstage video showing one of Cardi’s reps escorting Offset to the stage did little to dim the outrage.)  

I ask if any family or friends influenced her decision to leave Offset. “No, I decided on my own,” she declares, looking me straight in the eye. “Nobody makes my decisions about my life but me.” Before they broke up, Offset begged Cardi to see a therapist. “I didn’t want to go to marriage counseling,” she says, in a firm tone of voice. “He suggested it, but it’s like, ‘I don’t want to go.’ There’s no counselor or nothing that could make me change my mind.”

Like many women who’ve experienced heartache and alleged infidelity, she seems caught between wanting to stay and leave. As Elizabeth Gilbert wrote in Eat Pray Love, Offset is “[her] lighthouse and [her] albatross in equal measure.” But Cardi also knows that dating new guys might be bizarre. “I have a kid, and I’m also famous,” she says quietly. “So I can’t just sleep with anybody. People talk. You know, if I date somebody in the industry, that’s another person in the industry. If I date somebody who is not in the industry, he might not understand my lifestyle.” Since the breakup, she’s been getting a ton of messages from guys but ignoring them. “It’s like, ‘Bro, why would you want to holler at me right away? You’re weird.’ If you think Imma automatically hop onto you after a marriage, that just means you think I’m a sleaze. And I’m not. I have a kid—I have to show an example.”

Bui, who has been listening intently to our interview while crafting Cardi’s nails, waves a hand and then interjects, “You’re so old-fashioned!”

“Jenny, just because I’m out there and very sexual doesn’t mean that I have to be whorish,” says Cardi. “I like to have sex. That doesn’t mean I have to have it with everybody.” She pauses, then adds, “Not that I judge women who want to have sex with the world.”

Done with her rant, Cardi turns her attention to her nails. “Damn, that’s sharp,” she says to Bui, whistling a little under her breath. “The polish will make them less sharp, right? Because we can’t forget about the baby.” Ignoring her, Bui says only, “Don’t move.”

Throughout our conversation, Cardi has been jiggling her leg up and down like a schoolkid. I ask her how long she’s had that habit. “Forever, and you know what? People always talk shit about it, but now it’s like, ‘Ha ha,’ because when I do it my daughter likes it,” she says.    

Despite the indelible image of Cardi breast-feeding in the “Money” video, wearing a black gown open at the bodice, she isn’t breast-feeding Kulture, whom she’s nicknamed KK. “It was too hard,” she explains. In fact, she spent most of the time after the baby was born in a haze of postpartum depression. “I thought I was going to avoid it,” Cardi says. “When I gave birth, the doctor told me about postpartum, and I was like, ‘Well, I’m doing good right now, I don’t think that’s going to happen.’ But out of nowhere, the world was heavy on my shoulders.”

Realizing that taking KK with her on the tour bus was unrealistic but unable to bear leaving her at home, Cardi dropped out of a lucrative tour with Bruno Mars. She started feeling better a couple of months after the baby was born, she says, and her mother has been helping out; Cardi hasn’t hired professional help because she isn’t sure she can trust anyone outside her family.

As a new mom, Cardi is still experiencing aches and pains. “For some reason, I still don’t feel like my body’s the same,” she says. “I feel like I don’t have my balance right yet. When it comes to heels, I’m not as good at walking anymore. I feel like I’m holding a weight on me. I don’t know why because I’m skinnier than I’ve ever been. But there’s an energy I haven’t gotten back yet that I had before I was pregnant. It’s just the weirdest thing.”

The baby is starting to help Cardi balance her emotions, though. “Sometimes I’ll see something online and it’ll piss me off, and then my baby will start crying or something, and it’s like, ‘You know what? I’ve got to deal with the milk. Forget this.’” She’s thinking about pulling back a little from social media. “I’ve noticed that every time you respond, you just make things worse, so I’m over it. I’m just over it. I really don’t need it, and sometimes it just brings chaos to my brain.” She adds, “I can stay off social media. I’ve been trying.” For months after KK was born, Cardi didn’t put pictures of her on social media, and certainly didn’t sell any to the tabloids. She says Offset wanted to put a picture up, but she was unsure.  

“As soon as she was born, one month in he was like, ‘She’s so beautiful. Watch how people gonna go crazy.’ ’Cause a lot of people were saying mean stuff, like that we don’t post her because she’s ugly. He was like, ‘I’m about to post my baby right now.’ But then we were very concerned because we were getting a lot of threats, so he said, ‘The world don’t even deserve to see her.’” Eventually Cardi wanted to put a photo up because “it’s really annoying and we don’t have a life. We have to hide her all the time. I can’t go to L.A. or Miami and walk down the beach with my baby. I want to go shopping with my baby. I want to take a stroll with my baby. Sometimes I feel bad for her because all she knows is the house.” But can’t you put on a baseball cap? I ask. Will people still recognize you? “Yeah,” she says. “It’s my nose.” 

Bui applies a final coat of purple paint on Cardi’s nails—a brief discussion ensues about whether the shade is the exact “baby purple” Cardi has requested—and then she talks about needing to get home to go to sleep. “I’ve got a big meeting in the morning in Boston,” Cardi says, nodding slowly. “Lots of money in Boston.” She begins horsing around with her six-year-old half-brother, ribbing him for being rebellious the way she used to be. “He’s a child of the corn!” she wails. “He’s just like me.” (Her half-sister adds, “Like you, sharp but sweet.”) Bui says she thought that when Cardi hit it big, she wouldn’t see her in the salon again. “I told her, ‘You’re going to forget about me,’ ” Bui says. “And she said, ‘Never.’”

[creampuffqueen]

Fanfic Advent Calendar- Day 1

Here it is, kids! The start of 24 days of ficlets. I’m going to be writing for numerous ships, in all sorts of different scenarios. They’re also all inspired a bit by my favorite Christmas songs! But if there’s some certain ship/scene you’d like to see, let me know! I have 23 more of these to do, and I only have a small bit pre-written, so I’m always open for ideas!

~~~~

I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas (Nodrian)

“And what would you like for Christmas, little one?” Lina Everhart perched on the knee of a massive man clad in red, unable to stop bouncing even to answer.

“I want a hippopotamus, please.” She finally said after a moment’s consideration. Standing nearby, Nova Everhart had to hide her grimace, while her husband let out a loud cough to disguise his near-hysterical laughter.

“Santa Claus” looked mildly concerned at the little girl’s request, but he smiled nonetheless and patted her on the shoulder. “I will make sure that the elves in my workshop wrangle a hippo for you.”

Smiling from ear to ear, Lina hopped off the man’s lap and bounced over to her parents, dark curls bobbing up and down as she skipped.

Nova held out a hand to her daughter, smiling broadly. “What did you ask Santa for, sweetie?” She inquired, though she already knew.

“A hippopotamus.” Lina stated matter-of-factly. Adrian coughed again, trying his hardest not to laugh. Nova rolled her eyes at him.

“A hippo is awfully big, Lina darling,” Adrian said, as if size was any concern to a bubbly five-year-old. 

Their daughter shrugged; a bad habit she’d picked up from her Uncle Max, and said nothing else. Instead she kept her hands firmly linked with her parents’ and swung between them as they walked out of the small store. 

It was quite cold outside, cold enough that Adrian picked Lina up to keep her off the freezing ground. Without her daughter between them, Nova scooted closer to his husband, keeping close by for his steady warmth. In his arms, Lina squirmed until her father placed her on his shoulders.

“Onward!” Lina declared, using part of the extensive vocabulary she’d also picked up from her Uncle Max. Adrian chuckled and squeezed Nova’s hand while their daughter spouted her favorite words from up above them.

They finally made it back to their apartment, and Lina dutifully stomped off her boots on the doormat, despite there being no more snow. It had all come and gone by the time December rolled around.

Adrian fixed all of them a mug of hot chocolate, complete with an absolutely obscene amount of marshmallows and whipped cream. Sitting at her chair in the kitchen, Lina kicked her legs happily as she sipped. 

“Is there anything else you want for Christmas?” Nova asked her daughter. She wouldn’t say it, but a hippopotamus wasn’t going to happen. She just hoped there was something else so Lina wouldn’t be too terribly crushed.

“Nope. I want a hippopotamus, Mommy.” Nova let out a soft sigh. A stuffed hippo likely wouldn’t cut it, and she could already envision the disappointed look on her child’s face come Christmas morning. The holiday was in three days- where in the hell would they find a hippopotamus?

With all the marshmallows gone from her drink, Lina put her mug down and skipped off to the living room, likely to go watch TV. Sure enough, the blaring of a cheesy Christmas movie soon filled the apartment, while Nova and Adrian still sat in the kitchen.

“You know, I once asked my mother if she could get me a dog for Christmas.” Adrian offered. Nova snorted. She couldn’t quite remember, but she felt as though she’d had a similar experience sometime when she was very young.

“Yes, but I say damn all of us for teaching her about animals.” Nova snorted. The comment earned another chuckle from Adrian, and he leaned over to kiss the top of her head. 

“Nova, leave this to me. Our daughter will get what she wants for Christmas.” Nova couldn’t really think straight anymore, not with the way he was looking at her, so she simply nodded. And she simply trusted that he knew what he was doing. 

Christmas morning had arrived, bright and early. The ‘early’ part because Lina had awoken her parents by jumping up and down on their bed until they rolled out and got up to make breakfast. 

There was no sign of the promised hippo, but Lina didn’t seem to have noticed it’s absence just yet, so engrossed in her breakfast and then her other gifts. 

She’d received a mini art set from her parents, a collection of her favorite movies from her grandfathers, an RC car from her Uncle Oscar and Aunty Ruby, a doll set from her Aunty Danna and Aunty Narcissa, and a miniature Renegades uniform from her Uncle Max. All in all, a very good Christmas haul. However, after she’d thoroughly enjoyed each gift, it was then that Lina noticed a very important missing item.

“I didn’t get any presents from Santa.” Lina whined miserably, and the heartbreak on her face made Nova want to cry. 

“It’s ok baby, I’m sure he’s just running late.” Folding her daughter into her arms, Nova sent a not-so-subtle glare at her husband. Adrian raised his hands in defense, mouthing something that Nova couldn’t make out. 

After a hug from both parents, the five year old girl moved on to playing with her toys, but she only half-heartedly scribbled on a piece of paper with a turquoise marker. 

Adrian sat at the kitchen table with her, gently taking the marker from her hands. Lina looked up at him, big brown eyes and pouty lips making her look even more pitifully sad.

“I think,” Adrian said softly, “That perhaps Santa didn’t have quite enough time to wrangle up your present. After all, three days isn’t very long to find an entire hippo.” Lina nodded, though she didn’t seem to be paying attention.

“And since he didn’t have enough time,�� He continued, drawing something onto the kitchen table, “Santa asked me to be his helper. If your hippo could be any color, like any color in the whole wide world, what color would it be?”

That caught Lina’s interest, and she perked up a bit. “I want a green hippo.”

“Then a green hippo you shall have!” Adrian declared. He took the green marker from the art set and filled in his drawing. Then, with a touch of his fingers and a wisp of his breath, something began to rise from the kitchen table.

Nova watched, all annoyance forgotten, as a bright green hippo, the size of a small dog, emerged from the table. Lina watched in awe, as if seeing her father’s powers in a whole new light. 

The hippo snorted and stomped, eliciting squeals from the little girl. Lina scooped up the freshly-drawn creature, giggling as it’s whiskers tickled her arms. 

“Now how’s that for a hippopotamus for Christmas?” Adrian said with a grin. Nova rolled her eyes, but didn’t respond. Instead she watched her daughter heft her new pet around the house, a joyous smile on her face.

“Pretty good, Sketch.” Nova finally commented. Adrian puffed up at her praise. Then she shot him a look, and continued, “But that thing isn’t staying in our house past Christmas. I think you’ll have to be the one to tell Lina that her new best friend had to leave.”

Adrian sighed, though a slight smile still graced his features. Now it was his turn to roll his eyes as he and Nova followed their baby girl through the apartment. 

[harryfreakinstyles2]

Torn (Part 4) H.S

Harry's body relaxes in the seat across from me and it makes my heart feel like it could burst in my chest.

"So, since we are friends now," I say beyond excited that I get to ask him all the questions I have been dying to know the answers to.

"Let's get to know each other." I say with a smile and his eyes widen. "How long have you been in America?" I ask him genuinely wanting to know the answer.

I rest my elbows on the table and lean forward waiting for his answer. His smile widens across his face making his deep dimples appear, and I feel like I can't breathe. This just friends thing is going to be harder than I thought if he continues to look at me like that.

"I've been here for a little over four years now. I got a scholarship to go to school here and I kind of fell in love with the area and decided to stay after I graduated this past December."

I'm slightly surprised that he came here on scholarship, but why wouldn't he. Of course, he's smart. But what surprises me more is that he already graduated. I assumed he was still in school as well.

"Oh, you already graduated? I didn't know that!" I respond genuinely surprised.

"There are a lot of things you don't know about me." Harry says with a smirk and winks at me.

I roll my eyes at him and I try not to smile as I avoid the playful smirk he is giving me that seems to be stuck on his face today. I ignore the spark it ignites in my stomach and continue with my questions.

"So what's your degree in then?" I ask continuing the conversation.

"Business management. I would like to own or run a hotel or restaurant or something like that someday." He tells me still making too much eye contact and making me shift in my seat.

"Wow! That's cool!" I say annoyed that he is not only smart and drop dead gorgeous but he also has plans for his life. "How old are you?" I blurt our on accident.

"Twenty three, but enough about me. Tell me something about you." He says copying my position and leaning towards me with his elbows on the table and he mocks me by placing his hands under his chin with a cheeky smile. He is good I will give him that.

We are closer than two friends should be while casually talking but I can't get myself to pull away even though I know I should.

"Ummm." I stutter for a minute not being able to process my thoughts when he is so close to me. "Well, I am twenty one. I will graduate in May with my degree in English. I'd like to work for a publishing company or something along those lines for a bit or maybe become an English teacher I haven't really decided yet." I say faster than normal. I keep having to look down every few seconds because his stare keeps making me flustered.

"Hmmm a teacher huh?" Is all he says in response.

His tone sounds sarcastic and his face is hard to read and I can't tell if he means it as a joke or what. Does he think I can't be a teacher? But I am already on edge "You don't even know me," I snap defensively while leaning back in my chair.

"What? Why did you say that?" He questions me in a serious tone, catching me off guard. He's staring me down and I realize he's waiting for me to answer.

"I don't know. You sounded like you were mocking me," I say my tone sharp.

"I don't know you well, yet. But I'm trying to. I want to." He states. "I was not making fun of you. I was just joking around." He looks at me with pleading eyes. "I wish you would lighten up a little. You are so serious." He says softly and I can tell by his voice that he is being sincere even though his words piss me off I try to push my irritation aside.

"Sorry. Really." I say leaning down to meet his eyes slightly thrown by his quick change in mood. "I didn't mean to snap at you. Just a habit I guess."

Lightning flashes outside the window followed by a rolling thunder distracting both of us from our conversation. I know I need to head home before the storm hits and it is getting close to my dinner plans with Julie.

"I need to head home." I sigh grabbing my backpack and car keys not wanting to leave just yet despite the change in mood.

"Okay." Is all he says in response his eyes focused on the table.

I can feel a shift and there is an uncomfortable tension between us. I get up from the table and start making my way towards the door when I realize he has nothing else to say. A weird wave of sadness hits me at his simple response wishing he would ask me to stay longer.

"Wait," I feel his now familiar warm hand wrap around my arm stopping me before I reach the door. I turn to face him not sure what to expect but happy the conversation will not end the way I thought it was going to.

"I'll see you again soon, yeah?" He asks with a soft smile. He says it like it's a question that he needs me to confirm as he searches my eyes. And just like that, everything feels okay again.

"See you soon." I confirm with a smile and walk out the door.

*

I arrive back home just as the rain starts, making me run for the front door. Rushing inside I drop my stuff on the kitchen counter and find Julie watching tv on the couch.

"Did you get the stuff for dinner?" I ask her. We have a tradition since we moved into our apartment together last year where every other Saturday she buys the groceries and I make dinner. Then we spend the evening watching Greys Anatomy on the couch together. It gives us a chance to catch up no matter how crazy our schedules get.

"Yeah, it's all in the fridge. Did you get a lot of studying done?" She says making casual conversation without looking away from the tv.

"Uhhh yeah," I say shrugging my shoulders even though she is not looking at me. The guilt comes back but this time I know I deserve it as I choose to not tell her about Harry showing up at the coffee shop and continue the conversation. "Was this all you had planned for today?" I say gesturing to her current spot on the couch hoping to get a reaction out of her.

"Basically, I was supposed to hang out with Harry but he got called into work." She responds still not looking away from the tv and I feel panicked.

I am so thrown off by her answer that I can't think of a response. Did he tell her that he had to work so he could come see me? Is she making it up? Why would she make that up? He said he told her they were done. But why would she lie about having plans with him? Why did he lie. I have no idea what the hell is going on anymore and it is starting to give me a headache.

"Hey, I was thinking we could have a movie night here tomorrow. Is that okay with you?" Julie asks me bringing my attention back to the present as she gets off the couch and joins me in the kitchen.

"Uhh yeah sure sounds good to me," I say not really paying attention.

"Awesome! I'll text everyone. Does 8 o'clock sound good to you?" Julie asks while already typing away on her phone.

"Perfect." I agree.

The evening drags on without much conversation. Julie stays on the couch while I make dinner in the kitchen replaying my conversation with Harry over and over again. One of them is lying and I can't figure out who or more importantly why. After dinner we watch one episode of Grey's and I head to my room for the rest of the night not wanting to have forced conversation with Julie any longer. I don't like how weird things feel between us now. I know it's only me. I'm so used to being able to talk to Julie about anything.

I pass out around 11 o'clock which is early for me but the last two days have been so draining I need the sleep and as soon as my head hits the pillow I am gone.

I wake the next morning still conflicted and debating whether having Harry around is worth all this confusion and the headache that follows. I know it won't end well but I am not sure that I can stay away from him. The morning and afternoon hours blur together as I stay in bed watching tv all day, my usual Sunday routine lately.

I finally look at the clock on my nightstand telling me it's now six thirty in the evening and I have been in bed all day. My stomach grumbles reminding me I haven't had anything to eat since eleven this morning so I force myself out of bed and slip on some jeans and grab my favorite hoodie. The weather outside my window is as gloomy as yesterday the clouds are covering the whole sky, and it has been raining on and off all day adding to my own gloomy mood.

I walk out of the bedroom and find Jules in the living room bringing pillows and blankets from her bedroom to the couch.

"What are you doing?" I ask her confused.

"Bringing out extra pillows and blankets for tonight." She says looking at me like I am an idiot.

"Oh crap! I forgot about that. Did you pick a movie?" I have been so in my head I forgot about her stupid movie night here tonight. I feel like I don't have the energy or mental capacity to deal with anyone. Perfect.

"No I can't decide so I'm just going to pick two and let everyone vote." She says while still arranging pillows on the couch and floor.

"Alright, well I am going to grab some food I will be back soon. Do you need anything while I am out?" I ask her secretly hoping she will say no.

"No I'm good, I bought popcorn and some candy when I was at the store yesterday and Maya and Tabs are bringing some snacks too." She tells me.

"Okay well, I'll be back." I say while grabbing my keys and heading for the front door.

"Okay see you later." She says with a smile.

As I walk to my car I sigh with relief at being alone again even if it is only for a short while.

I run through a drive-thru and back with about fifteen minutes to spare before everyone is supposed to come over. I rush into the apartment past the kitchen and Julie's room hoping she doesn't see me. And then head straight through the living room and into my room. I change out of my jeans and into some comfy yoga pants deciding to keep my hoodie on because I don't care to make to much effort in my appearance today. I finish the rest of my food in a hurry and decide to freshen up my make up a little so I don't look like complete crap when everyone comes over. Just as I finish up I hear an array of voices enter the house. Walking out of my room and into the kitchen I find Julie with Maya, Tabs, Dylan, and Sam all talking over each other loudly. Maya is pouring chips into bowls, Julie is putting popcorn into the microwave and of course, Dylan is loading the wine and beer into the fridge. I smile at my crazy group of friends even in my exhausted state.

"Is Emily coming?" I ask the whole group while taking a seat on the empty bar stool next to Sam.

"No she had to work tonight." Tabitha informs me while stealing a chip from Maya's bowl.

"Awe alright," I say disappointed because we haven't had a chance to catch up in a few weeks. "I'm gonna grab a blanket from my room really quick, will someone get me a bowl of popcorn please!" I say as sweetly as I can as I am leaving the kitchen.

I make my way back to my room and grab a blanket and pillow, and my phone from my nightstand before hearing the group make their way into the living room. I take a deep breathe already exhausted and walk back out.

Julie, Maya, Dylan, and Sam are all squished together on the couch and Tabitha took the chair which means I am stuck on the floor alone which I am actually okay with because it means I can watch the movie and relax without distractions. Just as I am getting comfortable on the floor I hear a loud knock at the door. Everyone sits not moving and then looks at me. Everyone is here already so I have no idea who it could be.

"Don't worry everyone, I'll get." I say sarcastically groaning as I get back up off the floor and they all smile trying not to laugh at my dramatic response.

I make my way to the door and open it not sure who to expect but definitely not him.

My mouth drops open stunned, "Harry?!" I whisper yell so everyone in the living room can't hear me.

[sabrinaleethings]

Long Story Short - I Suck. [And Here’s Why]

[As a quick, quick synopsis : I did something I told myself I would NEVER ever do and as a result my progress and in essence my entire life kind-of flew away from me. If you don’t really care or are unbothered by the very long-winded and obnoxious post that shall follow, feel free to stop reading here! Just wanted to say hello, hi. I am back, and back with a vengeance.] 

Okay, so here we go with explanations and an awful (and slightly therapeutic) run down of Sabrina’s life these past few months.

[a/n: Cringe warning. Lots of cliches and run-on sentences that make zero sense and may make you scratch your head and say “whaaa?” ... you have been warned.] 

For those of you who don’t know, or need a refresher for because ha, yeah I haven’t been active online in MONTHS: 

My name is Sabrina Lee. I’m a freshly turned 22 year old who’s currently working on her first novel. 

I started blogging (this one specifically) I’d like to say back in... September/November? And let me tell you, the fire that was underneath my a$$ during this time was a flaming-hot inferno stemmed from the deepest pits of hell. 

The amount of energy and time I dedicated to writing, drawing, thinking, and breathing this story at first can border on realm of an unhealthy obsession mixed with a dash of pure excitement. I lived off of pure adrenaline for this bright and new shining world that began opening up for me.

Real talk time: (as if the rest of this won’t be raw and real too), I admittedly have a naturally addictive personality. I also am someone who doesn’t cope well with changes, or sudden shifts in my usual habits or every day life. So? So...

When I first began writing, I was so energized at the thought of being able to create and share. I’d post updates constantly as I wrote more and more (and more and more...)  and I’d receive nothing but support and positive feedback in return. (No joke, thank you to anyone who’s sent me words of encouragement or small snippets of love.) I became addicted to the feeling of writing, and then sharing everything and anything I could on this project.

During the first few weeks and even into months I was busting out thousands of words a day. My greatest day hitting about 3500 words. I’d even done a couple of paintings for concept ideas inbetween. 

It was the greatest thing ever. To feel like this novel was something so possible, so tangible. I pushed myself more and more and more, I wanted to be finished by the end of December with my first rough copy. (Spoiler: I failed.) 

I was stuck on such a high of this new and exciting chapter in my life, I was doing something I so badly wanted to do. Something I’d always dreamed of doing.

Sooner or later though, gravity here on earth conquers and I began feeling myself grow heavier and heavier. The high and weightlessness I felt when I first started writing began to fade as I found the words harder and harder to produce.

I got frustrated, and I gave up after a couple of months. I had failed. 

Granted, let’s put this in retrospect to the environment I was in.

Up until the end of January, I was working full-time at a retail job. (Albeit a bookstore of all things...) And with the holiday (Christmas/New Years) season quickly approaching, I found myself working between forty and fifty hours a week (thank-you last minute holiday shoppers!). 

SO. With working full time and already feeling slightly discouraged about this project, I began forcing myself to write. (Here’s where the addictive traits kick in). I wasn’t having fun anymore, I wasn’t sleeping (thanks retail) but I was still sitting myself down at my computer at 11, 12:00, 1:00am to write words that didn’t carry any meaning. I was totally burned out. The flame and drive in me snuffed. 

I was addicted to creating and escaping reality so much, I let my mental health and physical health diminish..

It got to the point where I was too tired to work, to tired to write, and so I put this project down to be worked on at a later date.

Silly Sabrina didn’t realize she wouldn’t be working on it again until five months later.

Fast forward to February. By this time, financial instability was something that had taken the spotlight in my life, so I picked up a second job. And I hadn’t thought twice about continuing the story - I had no time to think about anything other than wake up, work, work at the second store, go home to sleep, and do it again. 

Two and a half solid months disappeared without me even realizing it. 

I got so caught up in the present moment, I never gave a glance at the future. My future.

Mid-February and early March I had the itch in my bones to write again. To create.

During this time, I slowly stole whatever free moments I had to escape into the world of Detroit: Become Human.  It was the first fandom in a very long time I had been able to escape into, and as such I found myself writing fanfiction for it. Thousands and thousands of words began accumulating for short stories I had been writing for this game. 

I kept telling myself that everything I had written for this fandom, all of the short fiction pieces I wrote, was practice for when I finally found the energy and time to write my book again. 

I believe, that with moderation and time management skills that I clearly lack, this was a great idea.

I think it still could have been a great idea- if executed properly.

I had begun writing close to two thousand words a day for a fanfiction I was creating, and my dumbass, like the first time, found myself burning out.

I love writing. Loved writing so much, that I would do it whenever I could. Even if it meant staying up all night to finish a chapter for Detroit, or using time at work to finish writing down an idea I had.

I’d get these random bursts of energy and inspiration to write, and I’d use 1000% of whatever energy I could to create. Not good, not good.

Fast forward a bit more to now.

It’s the first week in May, and I haven’t written a new sentence in my book since the end of December. 

I would say I failed. But in all honesty, I haven’t quite failed. Not just yet. I refuse to believe it.

This is a second chance.

Last month between both jobs, I was working between 10 and 12 hours a day, seven days a week. There was a solid thirty-one, 31 days I went straight without a full day off. 

Times have changed. (Thank the Gods).

Toward the end of February I met someone special, and that someone just so happens now to be one of my biggest fans, and someone who’s taught me that it’s totally okay to take time for you to love, and take care of your own self.

I’ve finally relaxed into the idea that this, what I’m doing now, and what I will be doing in the future, is all okay.

One of the biggest fears I had, was that all of the work I had put into my book, was a waste of time. That in the end, the time invested wouldn’t have been justifiable.

Now? Now I’m comfortable with allowing myself to look to the future. 

I’ve finally given myself the breathing room and self-love I’d needed to fully envision the future I want and crave. 

And that’s to be an author of Trysten, Callum, and Samson’s narrative.

I finally have time again to dedicate to working a little bit at a time toward finishing this project.

I finally now know my limits, and how to keep myself from burning out so quickly.

I’m just... so excited to feel like I’m back to the old me I used to be. Just wiser and now not as stressed. 

The flame has returned for this story. I know in my heart that writing is something I will do. Being and author and creator is who I am. 

I can’t imagine a future where I didn’t get this freaking story written.

So long story short,

I had failed. I had failed myself, but that’s okay. Learning and growing is what we do as human beings. It just takes some people a little big longer.

Hello again friends, 

It has been a while.

I am back.

I love you all.

-Sabrina Lee

[mrswhozeewhatsis]

21 Supernatural Questions

Thanks to @sammit-janet for helping me procrastinate tonight!

1. When did you start watching Supernatural?

Early December, 2014. I’d been sick for a month, already, and had run out of other shows I wanted to watch. I decided to watch that show that Misha Collins was on that my goddaughters used to watch. I got through 9.5 seasons by Christmas. That first hellatus was awful, and it’s how I got into the fandom. I needed more, found con videos, then fan fiction, and the rest is history!

2. Who is your favorite in TFW?

It depends on the day. I usually say I’m Winchester-sexual, angel-curious!

3. Who is your least favorite in TFW?

Ugh. I don’t dislike any of them (though I miss BAMF early-seasons Cas who didn’t bleed much and could do things regular hunters couldn’t like see demons’ faces). If I had to rank them, I probably obsess over Cas the least.

4. Tag your top 5 Supernatural blogs.

You’d ask me who my favorite children were, too, wouldn’t you? Not falling for that!

5. Who is your favorite character (not including TFW)?

You’re killing me. You’re really killing me. I CAN’T PICK. Chuck? Donna? Jody? Rowena? I love John and Mary, but I don’t get squishy when I watch them on the show. Charlie? I literally squealed and frightened my husband when we saw AU!Charlie the first time. Ellen? There are too many and you can’t make me pick!!

6. Who is your favorite woman in Supernatural?

Donna. She kicks ass and calls it butt.

7. John or Mary?

Gonna quote @sammit-janet directly, cuz she said it well: “Both.  I know people hate one or the other, but you cannot look at these parents with real-world glasses.  John had the mother of his children burned on the ceiling and he had no fucking clue about the Supernatural until then.  Once he did, he was on a mission to find whatever killed his wife.

“Mary made a deal to save the man she loved.  She would have stopped Azazel that night in the nursery too, but Michael erased her memory.  Now that she’s come back, well, don’t you think it’s a little disorienting to spend 32 years in heavenly bliss and then get thrust back down to earth and find out her children are living the exact life she didn’t want them to?

“Also, don’t forget, EVERYTHING was stacked against them.  Heaven made 100% sure that they got together just so Sam and Dean could be born and play out the apocalypse.”

8. What were your first opinions of Sam, Dean, Cas, and Jack?

Sam: Tall, but the hair, and he’s a baby, I feel like a pedophile.

Dean: Older, still tall, wiseass, heart of gold, if he loves pie, I’m a goner!

Cas: HOLY FUCK.

Jack: If he’s good, I will hold him and love him and squeeze him and call him George. If he’s evil, I will cut him down with the flames of a thousand burning suns.

9. What’s your favorite season?

I really don’t have one. I have seasons I love more, and seasons I love less, but none are my favorites. The writing in the beginning was tighter, and felt like there was an end coming, which made it more electric. But I really love watching the boys grow and change and make better, smarter decisions, or make stupid decisions for bigger, better reasons. I dislike the degradation of angel powers, though. I mean, remember when Cas could smite an entire diner of monsters or demons with just a bright light, but this season he was beaten to pulp by a demon gang? And now that Heaven’s gates are all open, can Cas fly, again? I mean, they couldn’t fly because the closed gates cut them off from Heaven, but now the gates are open, so LET CAS FLY, DAMMIT.

10. What’s your least favorite season?

Season 7, although that season does have an inordinate amount of things I like about it, so it makes no sense. Story-wise, I get it. They had to systematically take away everything the boys valued in order to leave Sam the destroyed mess he was when Dean and Cas disappeared. I don’t like it when my boys hurt, but I understand why they did it. On the other hand, season 7 gave us Charlie, and Frank, and Garth, and Kevin, and numerous dick jokes, and Sam tied to a bed, and Cas naked on Dean’s car covered in bees. So torn, but when I rewatch the series, I take a deep breath when I start season 7. (During my most recent rewatch, I also took a breath when Toni Bevell came onto my screen, so I guess I now put 12 in with 7.)

11. Opinions on Destiel?

Canon - Dean is straight. He’s said multiple times he doesn’t swing that way. I wouldn’t object if the writers decided to change that, but I respect Jensen and the writers in their decision not to go that way. There are more and more diverse characters on our screen every year, and I’m okay with letting Dean be a cis het white male who loves women of all kinds. I would love if they did a Human!Impala episode and the Impala turned out to be John Barrowman, though. On the other hand, Cas is completely unconcerned with gender and sexuality, so I wouldn’t mind seeing him have a romantic thing with a guy. Pretty sure that would break the fandom, though, so not holding my breath.

Fanon - Holy cheeseballs, that boy swings harder than an old-time saloon door, and I love reading about him being so open to everyone. Give me all the guys banging Dean like a screen door in a hurricane. Dean is all the door metaphors and memes, including the memes about Cas loving to destroy doors. Show me these two idiots falling in love any way you got it. They were roommates, you say? YES. There was only one bed, you say? SIGN ME THE FUCK UP. Dean’s a fireman and Cas is a nurse? ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME??? BRING IT.

12. Do you believe Supernatural queerbaits?

Not intentionally, or maliciously, but I can see why some folks might think that, sometimes. It’s a fine line the show writers have to balance on when it comes to scenes with Dean and Cas because of the fandom’s obsession with Destiel. They want to show the love between the two characters as brothers, but it can’t be too much love. (However, I sometimes wonder about certain things. I would love to sit down with Jensen, Jerry Wanek, and Robbie Thompson, show them certain moments, and ask why certain decisions were made regarding framing, editing, props, and such. If they weren’t thinking Destiel, what were they thinking??)

13. Seasons 1-7 or 8-14?

You’re asking me to pick my kids, again. 1-7 is Kripke writing, 8-11 is Robbie Thompson writing, NO NO NO YOU CAN’T MAKE ME DECIDE.

14. Favorite villain (plot wise)?

Crowley

15. Do you think they should end the Lucifer plot line?

YES. I’m cool with watching Nick progress into a big bad, but keep Lucifer in The Empty. (I just had a wild thought about The Empty, Lucifer, and The Shadow coming for Jack. Lord, I hope I’m wrong.)

16. Who do you think has gone through more trauma (Sam, Dean, or Cas)?

Quoting Sammit again: “Sam.  He found out he had demon blood in him, was one of Azazel’s “chosen”, died by being stabbed in the back, went to hell for 100 years, lost his soul, was driven mad by Lucifer, almost died doing the trials, was possessed by Gadreel…did i leave anything out?”

Dean and Cas have also had their share, but if you want to quantify it, I think Sam has had more. 

17. What’s your favorite Supernatural episode?

Baby, Dog Dean Afternoon, Don’t Call Me Shurley, most of the other episodes writing by Robbie Thompson, too.

18. Do you like case episodes?

They are a nice breather in between the episodes where I can’t sit back for  moment.

19. Who do you relate most to in TFW?

I switch back and forth between Dean and Sam. I relate to Sam wanting to go to college to get away from his family, I relate to Dean’s eating habits, I understand why Sam’s done all the stupid shit he’s done, and I understand Dean not wanting to delve into things because it’s hard. Oh, and I say awesome almost as much as Dean. Cas, though, is a mystery to me. The only time I relate to him is when he’s confused by pop culture references.

20. Why do you like Supernatural?

The characters. They’re just so fucking interesting, you know? And (with some notable exceptions) the writers have managed to keep them from getting too far away from who they were in the pilot, while showing them growing and changing and improving. I love the world, I love the fantasy, and I love how universal they all are. I mean, if you took characters from another show and put them in a Beach AU, I wouldn’t be able to see it like I can with these characters. They’re awesome.

21. If you could bring back one character and kill off another who would they be?

Keep Lucifer dead, bring back Frank. I also want to see more of Linda Tran. Or Ellen, though I don’t know what they’d do with her with Mary around. I’d say Crowley, but I know that will never happen, and I understand why, so I’m letting him go.

Tag yourselves!

[softkitten]

months in music 2018

Welcome back to another year end round-up. Longtime readers will note that there is not one of these for 2017. That’s because 2017 was no damn good, and writing about it once it was finally over felt like no kind of fun at all. 2018 was much kinder. 

January: Finn - “Sometimes the Going Gets a Little Tough” January’s song plays like an overture for the year to come, an uptempo, retro house track about perseverance and forgiveness. I don’t remember January very well at all, and it wasn’t because I was partying so hard. I spent the first month of the year in the car, back and forth between Calgary and Saskatoon, back and forth over and over, trying to secure employment and housing. It was exhausting and incredibly lonely. The bright chords and pitched-up vocals here promised future happiness and stability, and that was what I was counting on when I played it on repeat all alone. 

February: Mija - “Notice Me” Sheena and I spent all of February in different cities, our longest time apart since getting together in 2010. I was living in my best friend’s basement and in my first month of a new job, Sheena was working herself to the bone packing up our old life in Saskatoon box by box. February was hideously cold in Calgary, and this was what I’d play when I’d shiver down cellar, missing home and warmth and love. 

March: Låpsley - “Operator” (DJ Koze’s Extended Disco Version) On Sheena’s birthday, I played a Thursday night gig in a tiny Calgary club, and the only people in attendance were other DJs. The first guy on sounded like Black Coffee, the dude who played after him sounded like Marcel Dettmann. I was third up and I leaned on vocal-heavy disco and house and all 15 people in attendance agreed that this was the vibe. Getting the tiny room sweating to “Operator,” a song known and beloved to daily Resident Advisor readers and few others, was an early high point in the year. 

April: Calvin Harris ft. Dua Lipa - “One Kiss” Winter lingered in 2018 like a bad cough, with miserable regular snowfalls continuing well into April. “One Kiss” dropped near the middle of the month and signalled carefree times ahead, hot nights and long swims, summer’s inevitability. It was what I desperately needed to hear at the time and I still haven’t stopped playing it. 

May: The 1975 - “Give Yourself a Try” The first single from The 1975′s third album, my favourite LP of 2018. This song scans to me as a reassessment of one’s priorities and one’s capabilities. I was a few months along into a job wherein I ran a day program for disabled adults. Prior to taking that job, I’d worked graveyard shifts in a group home for three straight years, where I was paid to be bored, stay awake and see no one. Switching back to a daytime schedule and having a job where I tested and developed my actual skills made me feel like my personality had changed overnight, as if I’d just kicked some awful habit. I had more energy, more patience. I was a much kinder person, and someone with a focus on my career and my closer relationships, rather than the messy, overextended person I was in previous years. 

June: Disclosure ft. Fatoumata Diawara - “Ultimatum” After a few months on the shelf, I started getting gigs again, including a few nights at a local watering hole downtown. Getting back into DJ’ing after a winter and spring spent on my ass and out of practice was difficult, but after a few sessions I found I was sounding better than ever. I did some of the best DJ’ing I’ve done my entire life this year. I found a sound that’s unlike anyone else local, and found new ways to play to crowds who are decidedly not my people. I’m very excited to double down in 2019 and find more spaces to play the music I love. 

July: Kloves - “Trigger” Compared to previous years, I didn’t get out to as many shows as I’d have liked. Once moved, it took me until December to even get out of Calgary. That said, I saw one of the best shows I’ve ever seen at the Junction this July when Kloves came on before Thor. Kloves began their set playing well above 133bpm and didn’t let up once, delivering relentless, pummelling techno that left the room panting with exhaustion. I’ve learned so much about the role of the DJ from Kloves, and their entire set that night made me feel like I was the coolest person. I think that’s what you ought to be doing, giving your audience space to perform the version of themselves they find the most exciting. 

August: The Midnight - “Endless Summer” I felt cheated in August, pulled in too many different directions. I had gigs most weekends, we had friends and family coming in to visit us, I signed myself up for a three-day camping trip out in Alberta back country with the day program I worked for. It wasn’t without fun, the gigs were well-paid, it was fantastic to see friends I’d missed dearly, but I left the last month of summer wishing for more time to myself. This song reflects the fantasy of that. The Midnight create a world where it’s eternally the last night of summer vacation, and your friend’s just pulled up in a coke-white IROC. I wanted to escape to that place whenever I could, and forestall the warmth and pleasure whenever I could find it. 

September: Robyn - “Baby Forgive Me” September was tough on both Sheena and I. I started a new, better-paid job working with incarcerated women, and the new opportunity was great but also daunting, much harder than my last gig. Sheena’s workplace, meanwhile, went septic as her depression flared. Neither of us were perfect during the month of September, stress did what it usually does to long term relationships, but both of us took care of each other during our low points and talked through the problems we had with tools that weren’t available to us in the year before, or the year before that. 

October: Pulp - “Dishes” A man told me to beware of 33. He said, “It was not an easy time for me.” But I’ll get through, even though I’ve got no miracles to show you. I’ve listened to Pulp, and This Is Hardcore, for literally half my life, but I found myself returning to it frequently in my birth month. Its lyrics about aging, being childless, holding on to persona and wondering what that means as youth slips off made a lot more sense to me than they did at 17. I found a lot of peace this year in being ‘the man who stays home and does the dishes,’ rather than the man out in public doing just anything for approval. I have been slower on the draw to make friends since moving cities. That’s because I absolutely refuse to participate in a social circle comprised mostly of people I don’t like and who don’t like me, as I’ve done in Victoria, Vancouver, and Saskatoon. 

November: Pale Waves - “Drive” This choice is pretty straightforward - I got a new car in November and it’s as goth as Pale Waves are, sexy and fast and loud and cavernous. I can’t wait to road trip in it out to Vancouver in April, to see Pale Waves when they open up for The 1975. I’m already dreaming of putting it into Sport Mode on the Coquihalla and scaring the hell out of the local wildlife. 

December: MK - “17″ I hate Christmas. I wish I didn’t, but, boy, do I ever. Every year, it’s something. Last year I had something like $2500.00 worth of car trouble starting on the 16th and continuing straight through to the 23rd. This year, I stocked my schedule to the absolute breaking point in attempt to see absolutely everyone and please absolutely everyone, and then got the flu on Christmas Day. I write this from bed; today is the first day I’ve felt fully well in about a week. I had to cancel on several friends, an act that I will go really far out of my way to avoid because it triggers all my anxiety and guilt. Fuck Christmas, past the age of about 12 it’s nothing but a regularly scheduled disappointment. 

This is about cutting yourself loose from all that. In the middle of the month, Sheena and I saw Sonny Fodera play a basement venue in Calgary and the set’s highlight came when he dropped this upbeat UK house tune. I felt completely overjoyed and completely free when I heard it, and looking around, it’s safe to assume that the room did as well. It was reassuring, it felt safe. If Sheena and I renew our vows or do some showy anniversary celebration in the future, I want this song played. I want to live up to its promise, I feel every day that I’m hearing it back to me, and I really want to reciprocate. 

Songs of the Year: Nine Inch Nails - “Shit Mirror”

Is it a sign of arrested development that, occasionally, it feels like Trent Reznor is talking directly to me, just like it did when I was 14 and looking for my identity wherever I could find it? “Shit Mirror” is about becoming something new, being surprised and delighted and scared. I tested myself a lot in 2018 and I find I like myself a lot better than I did 365 days ago. 

[thinkingoutlouddblog]

My Biggest Regret

Pairing: Harry Styles x reader

Summary: Christmas fic where Harry left you when you told him you were pregnant and you run into him at a party 

A/N: this took forever and I’m sorry! But I would really love to make this into a series! If anyone has any requests to do with this AU please send me an ask!

italics = flashback

He wasn’t meant to be here.

Niall had assured you a thousand times he would not be in attendance at his annual Christmas party. You rarely ever attended parties that were hosted by your mutual friends out of fear that you would run into him. Not that you really had time for parties anymore. Being a single mum really was a full-time job.

But Niall had also reassured you this year’s Christmas party would be more of a family-friendly affair rather than the alcohol-heavy house parties he used to host in the holiday season. So that morning you had dressed your little one-year-old son in the elf costume you had been dying to make him wear all December. Niall had insisted that everyone had to be Christmas themed in the way you dressed, so you decided to go the extra mile and get a Mrs Claus dress especially.

At least Niall hadn’t been lying about the family-friendly part.

You had been absolutely enjoying yourself. You had been able to catch up with some people who you hadn’t seen in a long time and introduce them to Alex. You had barely even held him for the past hour you had been there because everyone was so eager to have their turn holding him. You were really beginning to regret hiding Alex away from this group of people, just because they were friends with his dad. After all, they were your friends too.

That is until he walked in.

Within seconds his eyes had fallen upon you, as you stood completely unaware of his entrance.

For a moment, no one noticed anything was awry. Everything continued as it had, the Christmas cheer remained.

However, Harry was lost in a haze. All he could see was you and Alex. All he could hear was your laughter and how it was mixing with Alex’s little giggles. It was the sweetest sound he thought he had ever heard. Though he tried he just couldn’t take his eyes away from your baby’s happy little face.

“Harry,” his mother’s unsure voice broke him out of his reverie. Anne and Gemma had only just walked in, having driven separately from Harry.

Your head snapped in his direction at the all too familiar name, your laugh coming to a complete halt.

For a moment, you both stood shocked. You were shocked that he was there but also shocked that his mother and sister looked so confused. Harry remained standing where he was, his mouth opening and closing as he tried to form words.

His expression was all too familiar. It was the exact mask of shock he had worn the day you had told him you were pregnant.

Harry sat there, at a loss for words.

“Please say something, H. I know this isn’t good timing but-”

“You’re right, this is terrible timing,” he said, standing up from his seat and beginning to pace around your living room.

The two of you had been celebrating your two year anniversary when you moved into this apartment together. It had been an absolute dream come true for you. And now, just three weeks later, you felt like you were in a nightmare.

“We can still make it work!” you said with certainty. You knew it would be difficult but you were sure everything would work out.

Harry, however, was not so sure.

“This will only work if I give up everything I’ve been working for! I have an album to finish, and then I’ll have to promote it, and then I’ll have the press tour for Dunkirk, and then I’ll have my tour. I can’t give all that up for a child I didn’t ask for!” He tugged at his hair as he yelled.

You felt as though he had slapped you in the face. You had expected him to be freaked out, but you had thought he would still be supportive.

“Harry,” you whispered, tears stinging your eyes.

“I’m sorry but if you decide to keep that baby, I can’t be involved.”

Your expression turned cold as you recalled the memory. He did not deserve to see how you missed him. He was not allowed to see the pain he had caused you.  

You pulled Alex closer to you instinctively, who was still wearing a smile on his face, blissfully unaware of the mood change in the room.

“You said you wouldn’t be coming,” Niall broke the silence that had befallen the room. Were this any other situation you would take pity on the poor boy, who clearly felt ridiculously guilty.

“It- It was last minute. I didn’t realise… didn’t realise it would be a problem,” Harry stammered.

Anne slowly took some steps towards you and you had to consciously stop yourself from taking steps back. She was clearly gobsmacked, unable to tear her eyes away from little Alex.

“Is he yours?” she asked quietly, reaching out to stroke his tiny face.

“Yes,” you whispered, your eyes softening as you talked with Anne. You had always been close with Harry’s mother and you couldn’t bring yourself to be cold with her. After all, it was her son who had left you, not her.

Anne looked between Alex and Harry several times before speaking again.

“He has your eyes,” she spoke to Harry.

For it was true, Alex really did have his green eyes. It was what everyone at the party had wanted to say when you had introduced them to Alex but no one dared to even mention his father. Everyone suspected, but no one really knew if Harry was the father.

As soon as you had started showing during your pregnancy, you went underground. You didn’t post on social media and you stayed in a small town in England, away from paparazzi and away from recognition as Harry’s ex-girlfriend. You had only told close friends and family what was happening, like Niall. You remained in that town for the first six months of Alex’s life, only returning to London when you were sure that no one from the press would bother you or your son.

It was not that you had been ashamed of having Alex, it was that you didn’t want him to be a part of some ridiculous scandal. You didn’t want his life and upbringing scrutinized. And despite Harry having abandoned you when you needed him most, you didn’t want him to be shunned for it by thousands of people.

“I-” you tried to think of something to say. “I can’t, I’m sorry.”

You rushed towards the exit. You were just about to brush past Harry when you stopped in your tracks. “Actually you know what?” You looked him straight in the eyes, your cold expression returned. “I’m not sorry. For anything.”

With that you walked straight out, leaving the entire room in a stunned silence.

You took a shuddered breath as you sat in the driver’s seat of your car, having strapped Alex into his car seat. Tears sprung to your eyes but you wiped them away furiously, refusing to let them fall. You had cried too many tears over Harry, you refused to spill anymore.

You were just about to drive away when Alex began to cry behind you. You had been so caught up in what was happening you had barely noticed he had been getting antsy. With a sigh, you got back out of the car and went to comfort Alex.

“Hey sweetie, don’t cry,” you cooed as you unstrapped him from his car seat and took him in your arms so you could rock him. “You’re just hungry aren’t you?”

With your free hand, you reached into your on-the-go baby bag for the snap lock bag of blueberries you had brought for him to snack on. All you wanted to do was go home but you knew you had to feed him now. Just as Alex began munching down on a blueberry, you heard footsteps on the pavement behind you.

“Y/N.”

You closed your eyes, wishing today would just be over. You turned on your heel to face him.

“What the hell do you want?”

“I just- I wanted to meet him properly,” he said as he shoved his hands into his jacket pockets, a gesture you knew to be a nervous habit.

“You made your choice, Harry,” you said as you gave Alex another blueberry. No matter how much you wished you could turn back time and have Harry be a part of Alex’s life, you couldn’t. He had abandoned you and your child, he didn’t deserve your sympathy.

“Yeah, I did. But I just need you to know that I regret it. I know this probably doesn’t mean anything to you, but it’s my biggest regret.” You could hear the shame he felt in his voice, but he refused to hang his head. He held your gaze and didn’t drop it, trying to convey to you the truth in what he said.

“Well sorry but your regret doesn’t do anything for me. It doesn’t reverse the last two years. It doesn’t change the fact that you left me alone, scared and pregnant. It doesn’t change the fact that you abandoned your child,” you spat.

“Listen I want to be a part of his life. I know I don’t deserve it, but I’ll do anything. I’ll be wherever you need, whenever you need and do whatever you need. I promise,” he took a step towards you, desperation seeping through his every pore.

“Yeah, until another tour comes up. Or another album. Or movie.” Alex had finally settled a bit so you opened the car door and placed him back in his car seat. You turned back to Harry as you spoke. “Listen H, I want to believe you. I really do. Obviously, I want my son to have a father. But all you’re going to do is disappoint him in the long run. And me.”

You turned back around to walk to your driver seat but Harry quickly grabbed your wrist. His gentle touch was like a jolt to your system, a reminder of everything you had been missing.

“I’m not the same man I was two years ago,” he spoke quietly, not needing to project his voice due to your distractingly close proximity. “I’m not going to bail. I’m ready to give up everything to be a father. I will prove it to you, just give me a chance.”

His eyes searched yours for a moment, the uncertainty clear in your expression. You knew you had to put your personal feelings aside and do whatever was best for Alex. The difficulty was trying to figure out whether or not Harry would stick to his word.

But there was no mistaking the fear etched on his face. You knew Harry, and you knew when he was speaking the truth. Harry may have left you when you most needed him, but he had always stuck to his word.

“Fine. Christmas Eve dinner at my apartment,” you spoke as you got into your car. “I’ll text you the details. Buy Alex a good present and don’t you dare fuck this up.”

Without another word you started up the engine and began driving away. “Thank you!” he called after, completely unable to withhold his joy. For two years he had lived believing he would never have a future with the two of you. But now, he had hope.

Little did he know, the path toward parenthood he had just embarked on was leading him only to pain and heartbreak.

my masterlist // send me a request!

[daehwifi]

SUN . | LEE DONGHYUCK

 - admin xion

genre: angst group/member: nct/lee donghyuck word count: 1, 838 requested: if jade’s cries are a request then sure  side notes: she cries a lot @loveleehyuck // posting this draft now because jade is a son of a bitch <3

!!! trigger warning(s) !!! : abuse, mentions of blood

prompt: lee donghyuck became your sun in the dark world

 “you’re quite something you know?” the man with the face you couldn’t look in the eye spoke. he tucked a strand of hair behind your ear being nudging you in your shoulder. you were simply trying to fit in with the other kids until they told you to go to the back of the school to get a soccer ball they lost.

they lied. there was no soccer ball at all.

“c’mon, smile. i bet that smile of yours is pretty,” he persisted. your eye sight remained on the ground. it was a habit of yours. you were never able to look anyone directly into the eyes simply because of this unknown emotion that stopped you. teachers claimed how you were just shy, many other students in your school are shy as well. you claimed how it was just anxiety.

 his fingertips placed at the bottom of your chin, attempting to raise that ‘pretty face of yours’. from time to time, you’d clench your fist and then release. you let out your inner frustration on such things, because you grew up learning that hiding your emotions was the correct way to live. and sadly, you were used to old men doing these sorts of things.

 “excuse me, she’s uncomfortable. can you please leave her alone?” a sudden voice spoke. turning your face around, you noticed it was a boy in the same class as you. his uniform followed the same concept as yours. his posture was straight; he was brave.

 “we’re just having a little bit of fun here kid,” the man persisted, grabbing your shoulder and turning you back towards him.

 “she doesn’t look like she’s having fun,” donghyuck added forcefully. he stormed towards the two of you and quickly grabbed your shaky wrist.

 “please don’t come back to this school again,” he politely added before dragging you off. your eyes gawked, slowly trailing from the floor to the back of donghyuck’s head. you noticed your vision was becoming blurry. a warm coat of tears filled your vision. you couldn’t tell if it was out of thankfulness or it was the wave of tears you’ve been holding back for the past 17 years of your life. maybe it was both if you thought about it hard enough.

 you couldn’t help but let out a soft sob. you quickly covered your mouth, feeling the dropping tears go over your fingers. donghyuck stopped walking and turned around. he still held onto your wrist but his tight grip became loose. his hand was practically holding yours loosely.

 “why are you-” he trailed off his sentence and didn’t say more. you couldn’t read the expression on his face- literally. your vision was filled with a non-stop river of tears that you couldn’t help but cry.

 for that one second he let go of your hand, you felt empty. as though the sun had disappeared and you were walking on cold asphalt. but that all changed just from the sudden action of him dashing towards you to give you a warm hug. you gasped for air at first, feeling his arms wrap around the back of your neck and his chin resting on top of your shoulder. but your sobs became more noticeable afterwards, finally crying a storm of tears you’d been battling.

 your heart was racing quickly from all the previous pain you’ve received. the warmth donghyuck provided turned the cold asphalt into a flower path. the sun was beaming through the bright clouds once again in your mind. finally, in 17 years, you felt at peace from a simple boy you rarely talked to and noticed. but he noticed all the pain you’ve been hiding and enduring all these years.

 in fact, he actually blames himself from time to time. he’s awfully quite shy, especially when it comes to a girl that he likes. he wished he was able to ask you to be his partner during gym and wished he had talked to you sooner so that the pain would finally stop being dragged on.  

 the simply action between two mutual people sparked a friendship. a friendship that lead to a crush. it was like a bogo deal in some sort of way. become friends with lee donghyuck and get a crush on him for free!

 he’d talk to your softly right after escaping your hell hold home as the two of you would lay on the green grass by the park. you two acted as though you were in movies such as the fault in our stars or any cliche romance movie you could think of. there’d be faint lights of the stars twinkling in the sky.

 sometimes there’d also be a band aid on his hands or arms from your parents yelling at your dog to bite him before he was able to escape with you. although your punishment afterwards of leaving the house without permission were quite brutal, the moments you spent with donghyuck over threw it.

 he was your sun. the star that brought light into your world. cold asphalt turned into a never ending road of flower paths with leaves falling onto the ground. and as long as donghyuck was there to bring you smiles everyday, that sun remained high in the sky.

  “donghyuck! i’ll be out in 2 more minutes! i just need to find my backpack,” you spoke out your window, trying to keep as quiet as possible to not wake up your sleeping parents. donghyuck nodded and shoved his hands inside his pockets as you returned to look around your room for your bag. 

 you slowly crept around your room, attempting not to make the hardwood floor creak. you had a feeling someone was watching you, but you claimed you had this feeling before and nothing happened. 

 quietly walking around, you found your bag near your closet. slowing approaching it, the floor creaked, in which was something you didn’t want to happen at all. before you knew it, you jumped at first to your door being slammed open with your mother rushing it. 

 your eyes gawked and your body quickly flew onto your bed with your mother slapping you with her bare hands. the first thing that came to mind when the sudden pain flew your way as not to make it seem like you were hurt. the thought of donghyuck still waiting outside passed your mind. if he were to hear-

 “there’s that goddamn boy outside!” you heard your father in the room beside yours blurt. you prayed in your head that donghyuck heard as well and began running. the endless pain didn’t seem to stop. 

 hearing your fathers rushed steps outside the house and soon defeated sigh to how he was nowhere to be found was loudly heard. you finally cried out loud, feeling one last painful slap across your cheek with your mothers long finger nails cutting into your soft skin.

 the soft skin that donghyuck would smile against and would become too flustered to kiss with his soft lips. he’s attempted before, but then got too shy and retrieved. but that only ended up to you finding out about how adorable that attempt was and pecked him on the lips before running off. 

  your still felt unsatisfied with her work. the torture carried on longer than you expected. and it wasn’t just the physical torture. you were slammed with the news about how your family was going to move simply because of “that boy who brings you happiness when you don’t deserve any” your mothers voice echoed inside your head. literally, she slammed you against your hardwood floor and stomped onto any of your body parts, causing pain while barking those words. 

“you’re going to move?” donghyuck repeated. you nodded, avoiding eye contact once again. his soft brown eyes were now a vision and something you could only recall from memory. he was going to visit you, when your family forced you to tell him the news face to face. you could feel your parent’s eyes on your back as they didn’t feel a single bit of pity for you. 

 he was fumed with anger. he looked like he was about to storm into your house at any moment to give your family a piece of his mind but just as he walked past by you, you tightly held onto his wrist. you’d bite your lower lip to stop your tears from flowing, but you were already quivering. 

 “is this our last goodbye then?” he asked softly. his voice never sound cold before. though the sun was right in front of you, you could feel goosebumps trail up your skin from the cold. 

 donghyuck already had the puzzle pieces together in his head. you were going to leave. there was the moving truck right at the left of him but the words as to why you were moving were left unsaid. 

  maybe your parents were right. you didn’t deserve to be happy. you were a selfish human being who hurt something to beautiful and made him burst out of tears as the car began to move with you inside it. 

 you were able to make the bright light of the sun disappear right in front of your eyes and vanish within a snap. your family thought it was time to move away from the equator, where the sun stayed and moved to the north instead. where snow will fall and the coldness will give your frostbite. 

 as the car drove along the road, the cold asphalt returned. although you were wearing shoes, through your socks the bottom of your bare feet felt cold once again. the sky became a bit gloomier as well. the feeling of a tear running down your cheek nagged you but your eyes were already dried out from crying yourself to sleep and soaking your pillow. 

  a soft sigh escaped your lips. the house was even more smaller than your old one. you took a look outside your window but was only reminded by the fact that donghyuck used to stand outside your window at night before your little ‘dates’. yeah yeah- you called yourself a sentimental person as well, but what could you do about it? 

 the weather here was as you’d expect. it’d greet you with the warm sun, acting friendly but you knew around december the snow would begin falling to the ground. not only would your heart feel cold, now your body would as well.  

 you were forced to set up your room by yourself- but that wasn’t something you were willing to complain about. oddly, you started to hang up your curtains first. afterwards, you did the cliche ‘open the curtains like you were in a movie’. once again, you were only reminded about the little movie scenes donghyuck and you would recreate together. 

 you could feel the heat off the sun against your bare skin. you felt hot, but oddly, you couldn’t help but to feel a bit cold on the inside without your sun being there.