#also I barely post to instagram because it's a huge pain in the ass last I checked and it compresses the images and turns them into jpegs

[ask-thearchivists]

do you have an Instagram?

The Cartographer: You mortals are certainly saying a lot of nonsense right now.

[catintheruemorgue]

Random azz headcanons!!

warning: suicide on dazai’s part (very last one), swearing

an: in one whole day i’ve been told i may have covid, my wallet got stolen (tho they only took my bank card and id), my car wouldn’t start and i got bad news but honestly this was just a normal day for me!! (i literally have the worst luck it’s almost funny) anyways i thought of stupid social media headcanons.. this is mainly just crack !! :)

•the ADA have game nights and sometimes play among us (rarely because if Ranpo plays he just calls an emergency meeting and calls out the imposter, “Atsushi your leg is shaking..” so it’s only when he’s too sleepy to join.) If Dazai and Kunikida get imposter duo Dazai will accuse Kunikida immediately but not even for the kill he’ll just say he vented in front of him, which then in turn causes kunikida to start yelling that it's him. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vBJbyuspGVo) think this clip.

•Ranpo once found Poe’s myspace from when he was 16 and proceeded to almost bust a lung at all the edgy poetry and how he called his followers his “Ravens” The best part though, was the profile picture. As if Ranpo hadn't humiliated him enough he printed it out and framed it on his work desk. Poe just about passed out seeing the very photo that haunted his memories sitting on his rivals desk for everyone to see-- Poe in a black hoodie, hood pulled up with one eye covered. The word “pain” was edited across the photo in gothic, cursive looking font.

•Mark Twain loves the song Breakeven by The Script. (this isnt social media but so fucking important.)

•If it weren't for opposing sides Chuuya and Mark would be best friends. Chuuya loves his adventurous attitude and thinks the guy is just really awesome. They would have sleepovers where they would sing songs like Fuck You by Ceelo Green and Gives You Hell by All-American Rejects. Chuuya always posts them belting the lyrics on his story on snapchat and when people from the Port Mafia slide up and say something along the lines of “uhhh? This is sus..” Chuuya sends back a huge paragraph on how they are just jealous they don't have an amazing best friend like he does, and that they should be careful, he's still their superior.

•Yosano constantly is fighting with racists and bigots on facebook and will always talk to Atsushi about it for hours. He's awkward but thankful that she keeps him informed. She's very good at arguing and will rip apart disrespectful men when given the chance but has a hard time fighting women. When it comes to fighting a woman she will recruit Ranpo to sit over her shoulder and give her advice on what to say. Some of the things will warrant a light smack to the head.

•Mori’s most used app is Turbo Tax and nobody knows why.

•Oda loves to leave long in depth reviews for items he's purchased, he doesn't even try to be funny but sometimes Dazai sends him screenshots saying “Is this your review?”

•Gin, Tachihara and Hirotsu all downloaded Life 360 and have fun tracking where each other are. All of them have labeled the Port Mafia headquarters as “Hell”. Also Tachi and Hirotsu would get so confused when Gin was always with Akutagawa after hours.

•Kouyou has a blog where she helps people solve their issues. She's rarely on it but when she is she's always giving the best advice. She also reviews soaps and oils.

•Fitzgerald got doxxed and freaked out because he didn't know that was a thing. He immediately replied with “How do you know that ?” Not knowing there could be consequences for bullying for kids online.

•Atsushi accidentally joined a pyramid scheme but when he tried to sell Yosano something she was there, again, to inform him that it was an MLM. “No Atsushi-kun, that one's not good either.” Much better than Tanazaki who didn't know any better (and bought so much stuff) or Dazai who just thought it was funny.

•Poe has a snapchat but has left people on delivered for weeks to months at a time. The only person he actually responds to is Ranpo, but even then sometimes he leaves him on read (very rarely).

•Fyodor always starts his posts with, “unpopular opinion but..” and if he doesn't like someone's statement he’ll end whatever he has to say with, “Spit.” With an eye rolling emoji.

•One time Akutagawa made a bare ass instagram just to dm Atsushi, “I will get you.” The tiger boy just added Dazai to the chat who, for the hell of it, added Chuuya and proceeded to cuss them both out. Not surprisingly Atsushi had to beg Dazai and Chuuya to block one another while ignoring Akutagawa’s threats.

•Dazai is only famous on twitter because his suicidal tweets are “relatable” and because he’s attractive. He actually secretly gets super pissed because he doesn’t think his pain is “relatable” but will tease people with remarks like, “Make way, celebrity coming through!” when he shows up late for work.

[thorne93]

History Repeats (Part 14)

Prompt: Life’s hard, right? Well throw in a not so great job, a broken heart, and chasing a pipe dream in LA. But could someone come along to make all the bad shit disappear? Or is he just another heartbreak waiting around the bend?

Warnings: language, drug addiction, alcohol addiction, angst/heartbreak, adult themes (??)

Word Count: 2525

Note: Aesthetic made by @mrs-dragneel-stark-solo because she’s absolutely amazing Beta’d by @like-a-bag-of-potatoes and @mrs-dragneel-stark-solo . Brainstorming from @carryonmyswansong​

**Song Inspiration: I Almost Do by Taylor Swift; 3AM by Halsey; When The Party’s Over by Billie Eilish

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When you woke up, you felt like shit, and not because of the drugs and alcohol that only recently vacated your system. You groaned, squeezing your eyes shut. Did you really kick Hayden out? Were you honestly that far gone? 

Yeah, he broke your heart. He wasn’t the first asshole to do it, but he did stick around. Maybe that was because he had to though.

No, you knew better. He had enough money to stay at a hotel, but he stayed with you. He cared about you. It just hurt so bad to not have him any more. You hadn’t said you loved him, not yet, but you did, you loved him with everything you had and he just… broke everything. 

 Maybe you should go apologize.

Pulling yourself out of bed, you slipped on a comfortable shirt and yoga pants before you trodded out to the guest room, Hayden’s room. You knocked on the door before poking your head in. 

Only, there was nothing there. All of his things gone. His suitcases absent. No note, no letter, not even a post-it note. 

A choked sob escaped you. You knew you kicked him out, but you gave him until the next night. He was already gone?

So much for staying. So much for caring. 

No text, no call, no letter. It seemed as if he truly did want to be gone from you. 

Fine. If that’s the way he wanted it… Wish granted. 

------------------------

Months went by and you tried to forget him, tried to turn your pain into art.

Trey worked hard to get your EP ready. You had several tracks that you wanted to feature and he did enjoy your lyrics and tune. He was happy to work with you and the other members of your band to get the sound you wanted. 

By the time the singles were released, you were already becoming a hit. You hit all of the media platforms and your work exploded, sending you soaring to the charts. You weren’t quite topping them yet, but you were definitely being demanded on the radio and your Youtube and Spotify numbers were great, rising all the time. 

As time went on though, your addiction only grew. With Hayden out of your life, the glaring reminders that you lost all your old friends, and none of your old boyfriends seemed to ever love you, there was nothing to stop you from becoming nearly dependent on the drugs and alcohol. 

You’d never been like this in your life, but you’d never been at such an odd time in your life either. On every romantic and personal front, your life was a total flop, a zero sum. But your career, your dream job was finally taking off. The world was your oyster, you were rubbing shoulders with musical big wigs, meeting huge names and musicisinas. 

Between the complete amazement you were in from being discovered and having your heart broken for the last time, you were a mental mess. 

Hayden wasn’t just another guy. Jason was just another guy, just like every ex before him. 

But Hayden, he was different. When you and Jason split up, it wasn’t the man you mourned, but the death of yet another relationship. With Hayden, you missed him, not being together. You missed the light he brought to your life. You missed the way he supported you. You missed the way you two could joke about movies together. You missed how you could act completely goofy and silly and he joined in. 

You loved him, you were in love with him, and he pulled the rug out from under you.

That was why your habit of using coke was slowly getting worse. You managed to keep your job, for a while, keep the desires away. Then you started to get where you were barely sober for that too and just when your boss mentioned it, you decided it was time to leave anyway. You put in your two weeks and left gracefully.

As soon as you were no longer tied to the hotel, Trey put you in every lounge, venue, and club he could find. You were singing all of your songs on your EP. Every night you did a show, you got off the stage, got drunk or high, or both, and then you crashed. 

Same routine, every night. 

Anything to numb the pain of losing Hayden, of feeling like your life was in shambles. It wasn’t just losing Hayden, it was realizing you had no close friends, no one else to lean on. He’d become your best friend, your confidant, your lover. He was everything you ever wanted or needed, and he was gone. 

Neither of you had sent any messages to each other. It killed you, but you had to move forward, if that’s what you could call drowning your sorrows in a bottle or a baggie. 

Tonight, you just got done singing a set and you were hanging out with Darren, Veronica, Brad, and Tai. Unbeknownst to you, Hayden was actually about to make a stop by this bar. He had some contacts in your circle, a few people he knew in the music world that he asked to keep an eye on you, and if you got too out of control or needed help, they should let him know. He also watched your Instagram and Twitter, keeping an eye on your partying that way.

He’d gotten a few texts before about you, just an update on how you were, but tonight was a red alert from a guy that was somewhat in your circle. He watched you as you did a bump of coke, drink whatever was passed to you, and you were all over everyone in the bar. It was a sloppy mix of drunk-high. You held onto everyone, laughing, trying to crawl on the bar, making a complete ass of yourself. 

Typically your antics were cheered on because everyone in your scene was pretty wild, but even tonight some of them were worried about how you were acting. 

Hayden made his way downtown as soon as he got the text, looking for the bar. Finally, as he walked by, he saw you through the window. You were laughing, throwing your head back, hanging on other people, and trying to dance. 

You were a mess, and that was obvious. 

He pressed his lips into a thin line before going into the bar. He made his way over to you. He wanted to say he felt relief when he saw you, but he didn’t. He just felt worse. He wasn’t an idiot about your drug abuse, he also wasn’t stupid to see what had triggered it. He just thought it was stupid for you to get mixed up in this shit over him. He wasn’t worth it. 

He could see how it was affecting you. Dark circles painted your eyes, your clothes hung loosely on your body, you looked as if you were awake solely from the drugs. He hated how bad you looked.

“Hey,” he greeted loudly over the bar music and patrons. 

You looked over and saw him, your eyes going in and out of focus. “Oh my god, it’s you! Hey! Stay! Have a drink!” you encouraged as you fell all over him, putting your arms around him. In your current state, none of the pain that would’ve normally come from seeing him happened. 

“Hey, no, I’m good. This isn’t really my scene. Y/N, you seem really far gone, do you want me to take you home?” 

You pushed away from him, frowning. “What? No, why would I want that?” You reached in your purse and grabbed something, about to put it in your mouth. “I’m having a good time here, Hayden. You should try it,’ you urged giddily.

“Are you fucking crazy?” he demanded as he slapped the little white thing out of your hand. “Was that fucking E? On top of what you already have in your system?”

“The fuck is your problem?” you ordered, angry.

“My problem is you destroying your life and your body,” he informed.  “I’m taking you home,” he stated firmly. He started to turn you around and push you outside. Everyone started to look your way. 

“No, you aren’t!” you protested loudly, moving wildly, but he just persisted. He went around in front of you, grabbed your wrist, and tugged you outside and started walking you down the sidewalk until you got yourself free of his hold. “Jesus! What the fuck is your deal? Those are my friends. I’m having a good time!” 

“A good time?” he demanded, his voice reigned in anger. “You think this is a good time? You’re out of your fucking mind.” 

“Hey, Mr. Entertainment Business newsflash,a  party-girl image is great publicity. Trey encourages this so long as I’m fine to record.”

“Oh, I’m so glad to hear that your producer endorses you getting high and drunk, as long as you’re off the clock.” 

“You aren’t my handler, you’re not my parents, yo’re not my baby sitter, so just fuck off.”

He stared at you, clenching his jaw. “If you want to stay here and become like---If you want to stay here and party, that’s fine, but I’m done. I’m done with this. I’m done watching you ruin your life and throw so much potential away. I’m not gonna stick around to watch you drive your self into rock bottom when I’ve tried like hell to get you to wake the fuck up.”

“You didn’t stick around! Newsflash, asshole! You left! You left me high and dry.” 

“You kicked me out!” he reminded. “After I tried to approach you about your addiction. And I did stick around, you just didn’t know it.” 

“You didn’t approach me about it, you attacked me about it. Besides, what the hell do you mean you’re not going to stick around or watch me? You haven’t been around.” 

Letting out a sigh, he ran his hand down his face. “When I left, I may have asked some friends to keep an eye on you. I told them to update me if you were getting worse or better.”

“You were spying on me?” you asked, gasping.

“No, I just had people keeping an eye on you. If they were at the same party or something, they’d just let me know how you were doing.”

“Oh, nice to know you cared so much,” you retorted, rolling your eyes. You were getting more and more sober with the fresh air and the anger.  

“I do care. I think I’m the only one you know who does’ fucking care about you. I’m the only one not letting you just become an addict. I’m fighting for you.”

“Oh, is that what you were doing when you broke up with me? Fighting for me?”

He glared at you. He didn’t want to have this conversation. “Yes, I was. I was trying to make sure we were making the right choice.”

“Oh, spare me the bullshit!” you shouted, your head falling back. “I’m sick of this. I’m sick of the lies. Just be honest with me. You didn’t care about me, you didn’t love me, you wanted a rebound. You weren’t worried about the both of us. You’re just like everyone else. You wanted something to distract you from your ex leaving you and I was the perfect replacement. Then when you got bored, you cast me aside.” 

“You weren’t a replacement! You weren’t my rebound,” he yelled. 

“Then what was it?!” you screamed. “Because from where I stood, you and I were perfect, more than perfect. We could spend time with each other, lean on each other, support each other, we lived together, I met your child, we had date nights all the time and all of that just -- you ended it. Without warning. We didn’t even talk about it. You didn’t even ask me how I was feeling, if I cared about you. You just decided for the both of us that it would be better if this wasn’t a rebound. But it wasn’t ever about that. It was about me taking putting someone else before me like I always do, and I’m the one who got fucking hurt, not you.”

He shook his head. “I’m sorry that you got hurt. I didn’t mean to hurt you. It hurt me too. And it hurts like hell to watch you do this to yourself. You think I liked watching you come home high and drunk all the time?” 

“I don’t imagine it bothered you too much. We weren’t dating any more.” 

He shrugged. “So? Just because I’m not dating you, it doesn’t mean I don’t give a shit about you.”

“See, in my world, it does. You don’t break someone’s fucking heart then try to tell them you still care. You’re the one who decided to date me. I asked, you shot me down. Then, when I was really happy, when I thought this was real, that we had a shot, that this was something that would last and you just ripped it away. No conversation.” 

He shook his head. “Yeah, and I’m sorry for that. I am. I should’ve talked to you, but is this really what you want? You want to be so numb and fucked up on drugs you can’t function?”

“I can function just fine, thanks for checking in!”

“I can’t believe you’re fine with this. You’ve been so strong since I met you. Going after your dream, working hard at your job, you never would’ve given into this bullshit, despite what happened between us.” 

“Yeah, well shit changes. Clearly you know that.”

“Nothing changed. I cared for you then, and I do now.” 

You scoffed. “Spare me, alright? It was clear to me after you left you never gave a shit. I licked your wounds so you could heal and then you left me. Fuck off. You don’t get the right to tell me where I can hang out, what I can do, or when I can do it.” You got in his face, your voice low before you turned around to head back inside. 

He stood there more upset than he had been when you two first broke up. He wasn’t sure what he thought he would gain from coming out tonight. He just thought he could save you from yourself. He knew he was the reason you went on the downward spiral but he didn’t know how to fix it. 

He bit his lip to keep from crying as he watched you rejoin your friends and pick up a shot glass and knock it back. He shook his head as he turned to walk down the street.

He couldn’t keep doing this to himself, or to you. He needed to move on. He couldn’t watch you suffer any more. He had tried to help you. Every time he did though, you turned him down - hard. 

With his heart heavy, he took a taxi back to his new hotel and tried to forget all about you.

If only it were that easy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Forever Tag:

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@letsgetfuckingsuperwholocked​​

@marvel-imagines-yes-please​​

@missinstantgratification​​

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Hayden Christensen:

@coldlilheart​​

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History Repeats:

@multifandomblog315​​

[geekkatsblog]

Making my heart race for 45 minutes every week season 17x5 or like everyone else likes to call it Grey's Anatomy.

"A VERY LONG BUT IMPROTANT PART TO READ BELOW."

Now before I get started I was idly scrolling through Instagram instead of studying like I was supposed to and I was recommended a Grey's Anatomy confession site to torture myself (because most of the time I feel irrationally sad after reading when I see my faves being bashed) and I was a good few confessions in when I noticed that someone had taken a part of lasts weeks review word for word and submitted it. I never really thought I would have to but I beg please don't do that. Confession sites tend to make my heart race and when I realized it was my words that were used I was already in the comments, none of my opinions in these are final so I'd rather not have my words posted anywhere else where people can't see the complete picture. Its definitely fine to use it as inspiration but Please do not post my reviews anywhere else, or at least ask first.

*Now finally onto the review*

All in all the episode was like I expected in terms of outcomes however Grey's has got to come up with another genetic disorder besides Alzheimers, because this is yet another doctor with the gene. Not much happened besides the main event so let's hope I don't talk all over myself again.

___________________________________________

Catherine Fox and Jackson Avery

Refuses to wear the mask like the pig headed woman she is. Her especially should take no risks because as it was pointed out in the episode she is immunocompromised. She didn't actually appear in person but I thought I would mention her part in the episode because it gave us Richard and Jackson scenes which I have grown to love and appreciate because they're always wholesome the one they had tonight on systematic racism was great and one that I hope managed to educate viewers on the situation. It's great to see Jackson have someone there who has a parent figure there to listen calmly. Catherine as great of a mother as she is in my opinion sometimes she can come across as an eccentric aunt. I'm glad Richad managed to tame the wildcat and convince her to wear a mask with his sexual promises. We've lost enough Grey Sloan staff and family from it so far.

___________________________________________

Meredith

A hopefully temporary resident at the fake beach where nothing is real. Unfortunately there were no new visitors at the beach. Like I stated last week, I'm not entirely sure if we'll see anymore of the greats such as Mark Sloan, Lexie ect but there's still a chance next week although it seems like she might be waking up, but like I always say with Grey's expect the unexpected She may or may not be out of the deep end yet but I'm just thankful for the few glimpses we got to see George and Derek grace our screens again the nostalgia was great. However as much as I enjoyed seeing them again, I want Meredith to wake up I miss her, she may not be as fun and quirky as she used to be in the earlier seasons but without her working in the hospital it's hard to deny that something's missing from the episodes.

___________________________________________

TEDDY / OWEN/ TOM

(Here we go again.) 😔

This triangle has been going strong for a long time almost too long, and once again they flipped the switch its always back and forth. A few episodes ago she was begging Owen for forgiveness and now she's telling Tom they have a future. I feel like she needs some time to process what she's really feeling most of the time it seems like she's confused and fair enough it all happened so fast the time between her being with Tom and Owen expressing his still lingering feelings to her but now she needs to make sure that the decision she makes now is the one she actually intends to stick with.

On another note Tom seems to be out of the woods, for now at least which is great when he asked for his son I was a little concerned for a bit I wasn't sure if he was really going to make it. He's a douche and a hard ass but he has the potential to have a great character development, so I'm glad he got another chance. And my comments about wanting Helm to be his new protege remains in that small scene they had last week something just clicked with me and there's also the fact that she wanted to treat him despite the risks.

Owen was here as a filler basically, and to reinforce the love triangle again.

___________________________________________

Jo Wilson

Is thinking of switching specialties, if Ben can do it like changing sweaters why can't she switch? I do think it will be a good fit for her the way she has been fawning over the babies of recent it was either that or give her one of her own which in my opinion I don't think she's ready for. But even in all of the excitement I can't help but think that she's only looking at the cupcake and rainbow side for now because although it's awesome being the first one to hold the babies and everything, not every delivery goes well sometimes the babies don't make it or in other cases the mothers die I hope she's ready to face that side of the package as well.

Just mentioning as well that I love the friendship between her and Schmitt. It was an unexpected but pleasant pairing one of which I'm looking forward to seeing more of in the long run.

On the other hand if Jo switches this gives us more of a chance to see Carina as well because she was signed on a a series regular yet we don't get to see her enough except for on Station 19 and on there she's only Maya's girlfriend. I hope it changes soon and they give her more of a plot or something.

___________________________________________

Amelia/Link

Not much relationship content other than Link finding out about her and Koracick's fling and he took her going into the hospital before the end of her maternity leave quite well. They are one of the healthier relationships in Grey's. Right now at least things always get trickier later.

I'm glad she went in though it let Koracick know that he still had people who care about him and she managed to make Teddy who everyone was treating like garbage as well feel a little better.

___________________________________________

Maggie

No Winston today but we got a lot of Maggie content which was great. She was the moral support once again but today I was fine with it I always enjoy her moments with Bailey and at least she was able to be there for her seeing that Ben was MIA and Webber was busy taking care of her patients along with Jackson. Once again a very needed conversation between her and Bailey and I loved that she still went to comfort her despite the fact that rehashing her own mother's death had to be painful to do.

___________________________________________

Bailey

(Thanks for ruining My Girl for me Grey's now instead of feeling happy I'll forever think of Bailey saying goodbye to her mother.)

We all know that whenever Bailey starts spouting out her feelings and asking for help and advice things are about to go down.

Before we get completely into it I'd just like to express my disappointment in the fact that Ben literally dropped everything took the aid car to save his in laws no questions asked then dropped off his mother in law at the hospital with Covid and left his wife who has anxiety without even checking in. I know he's a first responder as well and he isn't allowed into the hospital that easily either but geeze no other phone calls or messages to check in?. He better have been stuck putting out a huge fire or something equally as bad, besides being him being hurt himself at least.

Another foot note to appreciate Bailey primping before her facetiming with Ben. Go get it hun. Their relationship be cute as usual.

Then the big revel her, mother has dementia, yet another doctor with the alzheimers gene. The moment between her and Meredith was heartwarming to be honest it's a foreign thing seeing them so close and having life conversations still but it's something I hope we get to see often they've had them as semi rivals/ semi friends long enough.

It was hard to see her have to say goodbye and the fact that her father couldn't be there to tell his wife any final words and be there to hold her as she passed made it worse, his wife that he was married to and loved for so long had to die without the comfort of her husband by her side and her daughter could barely hold her hand because of the bulk of her suit, then one of the saddest parts was that she possibly didn't even know what was happening to her. But thankfully Bailey could have been there to sing to her and keep her calm, a lot of people don't even get that much of a chance during the pandemic their loved ones die alone.

The moment I saw the conversation with her dad and the way she was only half listening I knew she was going to blame herself at some point over what happened, it remains to be seen if Maggie's speech worked or if she's going to continue to blame herself. Like I stated before I love the conversation her and Maggie had. One of the reasons why I haven't stepped off the Grey's Carousel is because they touch on topics that others don't cross they aren't afraid to touch the important and controversial things.

I was too being sad over her mothers death at first but I also want to talk about her and Webber's friendship he immediately postponed everything to be there for her, he took over her workload and still made sure he was there in time to be there and support her when she watched her mother flat line.

___________________________________________

The pandemic has always been real to me but somehow seeing the names of those that passed at the end was surreal I found myself just staring at the screen for a few minutes later reflecting on everything.

___________________________________________

Next week is the winter finale and I have no idea how it could get anymore dramatic than it already is. There's been so much already but Grey's always manages to surprise me. Then after that episode it's back to nothing until March 😭😭😭.

[revisionaryhistory]

Three Days ~ 55

~*~Sebastian~*~

I stared at her. Stunned. I'm not sure if it's how the conversation went or she wants me and whatever comes with me. Emma is so intentional. Her words carry meaning. She wants to be clear and asks for clarity. This is heaven for my overthinking brain. I’m not stuck wondering what she means nor am I afraid to ask. Because I know she'll answer. Really answer.

"I've got eight years on you, how are you the more mature one?"

"Stabilizing influence and frighteningly direct communication of my second dad."

The expression on her face and deadpanned delivery had me laughing. "I can see that. I'll be the emotionally reactive one and you can be the calming one." Then I remembered. "Although, Eli did tell a story about you laying into some guy in Hawaii at a volleyball game. Ed dumped you in the ocean. I wish there was video."

"There is. You'll have to get dad to send it to you."

Tuesday was a good day. Workout was hard and my abs were already sore, but we'd laughed a lot. Good phone call with mom. The house had come together, she was enjoying some time in the pool, and she'd picked up some piano students. My afternoon was spent in my manager, Emily's, office. Mostly she and I, but a few conference calls. I was about to be busy. The next six weeks I was more gone than home. I was excited about the work. Excited to see friends.

Admittedly, the timing wasn't the greatest, new relationship and all, but I was confident we'd figure it out. This is different. I'd like to say it was because my previous experience is whining and bitching about me being gone so long, knowing I was going to pay for the distance, and trying to front-load my leaving to make it more palatable. While all of those all true, the actual difference is I care. The emotionally unavailable hot and cold thing comes into play here. I put up a wall to block the whining and bitching, not really listening, because it's my job. Bitching at me isn’t going to change anything and I’m not going to feel guilty for doing my job. Well, I do, but it just pisses me off because I shouldn’t.  The expectation of gifts, dinners, or a vacation to make up for being gone made those a lot less fun. And I was never successful at cramming a bunch of stuff in before I left, because my work didn't start when I left. It starts weeks before. I don’t leave for filming for a month, but I’m already prepping: gym reading, watching things, research, and studying the script. I get pretty singularly focused. I don't know any other way. And when pushed I shut down. I don't respond. I brood. And I appear cold. None of this is right. Some just is. Some is my fault. Getting to where I didn't care about her (any of the previous hers) feelings and concerns with me gone was a side effect of shutting down and I regret doing that. It wasn’t that I didn’t care about her feelings. It was feeling ineffectual to do anything about it and my self-protection kicking in. Looking back, saying effectively “deal with it” was incredibly insensitive. Not proud of it.

But now, sitting here looking at my schedule I’m finding places I can find some time for us. We’ll figure it out. I can tell you what won’t happen. Emma won't whine where I block her out. She's not going to emotionally blackmail me for things, which will make me want to give. And she’ll leave me alone to prep, let me bounce things off her, or cook something to remind me to eat. I need all of those. I care how Emma's going to feel about me being gone. I care about what we’ve begun and how we'll keep in touch. I also know that while I'm away she will carry on living the life she had before she had me and be just fine.

Emma had practice tonight and a game tomorrow. It was after eight when she called. She was in a tank top and her hair was wet from her shower. I caught up on her day before leading into mine. "I have good news and bad news."

"OK." Emma drug out the word, wary of my response.

"When I get back from Canada, I've got some time to spend with you. Then I’m gone for the month of July. Fashion show, audition and meetings, comic con, then filming in Rome." Playing off last night’s conversation, I added. "I'm not expecting a bad reaction."

"Well, that's good." Her hand moved toward the screen and I chose to believe she was touching my face. "I'II miss you, but I’m excited for you. And me getting to hear about what you're doing. Living vicariously."

I'd had some time to think. I had a lot of thoughts on plans. This was the soonest.  "You get back Tuesday, doubleheader Wednesday, and I get back late Thursday. What's your weekend look like?"

"Empty. I'll come to you. You'll barely be home if you come here. I can come anytime Friday. I'll be done with work except maybe packing up my room. I can do that whenever."

"Early Friday. Thursday night." I wanted to maximize our time. "I have to do some work."

"I can amuse myself."

"Maybe the shop you liked so much will be having a sale?" I laughed at the way her eyes lit up. "July fourth weekend I'm at a fashion show. Wanna go to Paris?"

"What?" Her face moved closer to the screen. I’d surprised her.

"Not necessarily Paris, but near. The third is the show. Have you been to Paris?"

"Family spent the summer in Europe when we were thirteen. Then Pearl Jam tours. Love Paris."

"Not much more than a long weekend, but museums and I'm sure we can find some romantic Paris shit to do."

"I would love to go to Paris with you."

That was good because I'd already made reservations. "California for about two weeks then straight to Italy for at least that. Depends on how long shooting takes. Hopefully back in time to join you in Chicago. Then nothing until the end of August. Will and I had been talking about a group of us going away. We were waiting for my schedule. What do you think about a group trip and we stay a little longer or go off alone? It would be a beach somewhere."

"You going to rub sunscreen on me?"

"Um yay, part of my volleyball job. Beer bitch and sunscreen applier."

“I’m in."

"End of August is a Disney thing. Labor Day weekend is the Toronto Film Fest. Little stuff in there, nothing big. No idea past then."

She laughed, eyes wide, and moving her head in all directions "It's crazy like a tour schedule. I'm jealous. I love touring."

"I thought about Rome, but the schedule's tight. You wouldn't see me."

"I wasn't trying for an invite. I'll get some of my summer PD hours done so I won't have to worry about them. Make sure I've got time for us."

I leaned back on the couch, "That was easy."

She glared at me. "I thought you weren't expecting a bad reaction?"

I shook my head, "No, no, I wasn't. Just an observation. Thought I might have to talk you into the beach." I held it a second before smiling, "Not really. I do know it’s a lot."

"I will always go to a beach."

"You’re not allowed to play volleyball."

"Did you get the video from dad?"

"About an hour ago." I'd enjoyed it several times. "You're a feisty little thing."

Wednesday was a day of pictures and texts. After the gym, I settled in my extra room to prep. I had my laptop on the table, a stack of books on top of my script, and a huge bottle of water. I took a picture and posted it to Instagram along with one of me with a pencil between my teeth and pulling my hair.

Emma ~ How'd you get a picture of your expression during your last blow job?

Sebastian ~ Hidden camera in bedroom. You should see the other things I have. Coupling Season 1. "The Cupboard of Patrick's Love."

Emma ~ “You really don't have enough blood for both ends of your body, do you?"

Sebastian ~ Very good, Sally.

 Love that she can quote one of my favorite shows.

After lunch, Emma posted a picture of her in the middle of a group hug with her students. "I'll miss my munchkins.”  I sent a sad face emoji.

Then I fell into a hole. I got pulled into my research and reading and the next time I picked up my phone it was one a.m. I need time like this and put my phone on do not disturb. The only thing that comes through is two calls from the same number within a few minutes. Anyone important knows how to reach me. Emma knew, but she didn't. Not even when the Demonic Crickets won their game. She posted several pictures, but I got a much better one in a text. Emma with her back to the camera in her team tank, arm up flexing her bicep, and her looking over her shoulder smiling at me. The gold flecks in her eyes were sparkling and the darker ring made the green more intense.

Emma ~ Hope you're getting a lot done. Internally anyway.  XOXO

Sebastian ~ * 12 hours later * Yeah, I did. I'm hungry. Congrats on the win. Picture is beautiful.

Sebastian ~ You're beautiful

 Her thank you came while I was working out. After a shower, I fell back into my hole until it was time for therapy.

I'd been seeing Celie for a long time. Frequency varied. She had a dark brown bob, glasses, and a round face. At this point, I could read her as well as she could me. If she was looking at me over her glasses, she thought I was full of shit. No words needed. She was about ten years older than me and her style worked for me. It was a great one-sided friendship.

I took my regular spot on the blue couch, "How are you today, Celie?"

Celie smiled. She had the unconditional positive regard thing down. I say that, but she does genuinely like me. Most of the time. I can be a pain in the ass. "I've had a good day and after you I get to go home. You seem to be in a good mood. Tell what's going on with you, Seb."

I was always her last client of the day. Sometimes I needed more than an hour. "I am in a good mood. I met somebody. Last time I saw you I was going to help my parents move. I met Emma there. In a grocery store, if you can believe that."

"Sounds like you can't."

"I asked her to dinner in under fifteen minutes."

She widened her eyes in disbelief. Exactly my point. "Did you? Good for you, Seb. A complete stranger. What led you to ask her out?"

"I was all covered up and she tells me I looked like a rehab patient checking into the clinic up the road. But she was kind to me. A sketchy stranger. She didn’t know who I was until we were outside and I introduced myself. She helped me find the things on my list and we chatted." I put my hands in front of my chest, fingers splayed. "She felt good. I didn't know why, just enough that I knew I wanted to know more.”

“And what do you know now?”

I spent the next several minutes telling Celie the salient points. We’ve been doing this long enough that explaining isn’t necessary. She’ll recognize why things are important. My face hurt from smiling after I was finished talking about Emma. I stopped short of the whole conversation on Sunday.

“Besides the obvious early relationship high, how are you feeling about all this?”

“Good. Happy. Hopeful. The only concerning thing was Saturday I woke up from a night terror, panic attack. I got myself calmed down pretty quick, wrote for a while, and once Emma got up I went for a run.”

“Even with being happy, there’s been quite a bit of emotional activity. I’m pleased that you’ve only woken up once. Much better. What do you suspect triggered you?”

I took a deep breath, “Emma and I wound up in this conversation Sunday afternoon. A couple of my friends at the party had told her I wasn’t acting like I normally do with women, but more like I am with friends. This led to a conversation about my relationship issues. I’m not the same with her. She really doesn’t know that version of me. I think that’s why I had the anxiety. It was the night after the party but before the conversation. First time we’d been around my friends. I think it was not because I’m scared, but because I’m not. Like you said, there’s been a lot of emotional shit going on and I’m good. Remarkably good.”

“Why do you think that is?”

“Emma is different. She’s incredibly kind and is . . . gentle. Not weak though. She’s strong.”

Celie shook her head, “When I think of gentle people it’s a combination. They can be painfully truthful, but their manner makes others able to listen. They have a compassion for others.”

“Exactly! I noticed she knew everyone. She talked to everyone and used their name. I asked and she said she looked at their nametags and you never know what someone’s day has been. That might be the first nice thing that’s happened all day. I know it’s a little thing, but it’s her. She’s like that with me. She doesn’t try to talk me out of being anxious or overthinking. She doesn’t think my insecurities are stupid. They’re all just part of me.”

“She accepts you.”

“Right. The more we got to know each other, the more we talked, I felt safe. She doesn’t do those things I usually shut down over. I don’t feel the need to protect myself. She’s very different.”  Celie was looking at me over her glasses. Uh oh. “You’re giving me the look.”

“Yes, I am.”

“Why?  I thought I was doing good. I asked out a stranger and got this amazing woman.”

“Sebastian, as quick as you are to fault yourself, you’re slow to take credit.”

“Take credit?” I didn’t know what she was talking about.

She leaned forward, putting her elbows on her knees. “You think this relationship is different because of Emma. You lucked out and met an accepting, kind, gentle person.”

“Yes. No. Both. Emma is different and she makes me different.”

Celie made a loud, jarring beeping noise. This was new.

“Ok, I guess I’m wrong.”

“You are. Not completely. You’re not giving yourself enough credit. Any credit. You’ve worked very hard. You’ve read. You’ve journaled. You’ve talked. You’ve done things I’ve asked you to even if you didn’t understand or want to. I’ve seen you grow. To give responsibility for this relationship being different all to Emma is dangerous. What’s going to happen when she falls off this pedestal you’ve put her on? Is that going to be an excuse to shut down and protect yourself? Fall back on old habits.”

I could feel my eyebrows pulled down and the scowl on my face. “So you’re saying this isn’t as good as I think it is.”

“Not at all. I’m saying it’s got as much to do with you as it does her. Previously you would have never asked out a woman you met in a grocery. But that seems to be the furthest you’re going with how you’re different. I do not believe for one second that no other woman you’ve gone out with has been kind and accepting. Or would have been if you would have been able to show them you.  You used to do things to test them. You’d say or do things to see how they’d react. As we’ve talked, you weren’t being real, so you don’t know that their reactions were.”

I nodded then looked down, “I know. Pretty manipulative.”  I felt Celie’s hand on my arm and looked back up. Her face was very soft with a smile.

“Stop, Seb. You need to be proud of yourself. You are doing things differently. You have learned from your past, grown, and come a long way in accepting yourself. Warts and all. You have shown Emma who you are, even the parts you don’t like so much. She can have credit for how she’s responded to you, but you deserve the credit for being brave enough to show her in an honest and authentic way. That allowed her to respond in an equally honest and authentic way.”

I grabbed a tissue from the ever-present box on the table and wiped the wet from my face. Neither the first nor the last time I’d cry in this room.

"If you had met her even a year ago, with her exactly as she is now, this relationship would be very different."

"The wedding."

"Excuse me?"

Yeah, non sequitur. "I was supposed to go to a friend’s wedding last summer but didn't because there was a change in my shooting schedule. Emma was at the wedding. You're right. Had I met her then," I shook my head. “I wouldn't have been ready for her and now could have never happened."

Celie shrugged, "Probably not."

I sniffed and wiped my eyes, "How do I get her off this pedestal I’ve put her on?"

"You seem pretty smitten. Maybe not take her off, just lower it a little." I laughed and she went on. "What you do is own your part. You have been making choices to improve yourself. You have been making choices to go out of your comfort zone. And you have been making choices to let her know you. Emma's been making similar choices to be with you. I'm sure you know what she's come through to be where she is. It seems like you complement each other. Recognize this is both of you waking up and choosing to be with each other. Talk and negotiate what that means. Tell her what you want. And when you're not talking you listen. Listen to what she needs from you. The most important for you is to keep processing the feelings with her. She's the only one who can help those make a picture. And you need to give her the same gift. She has things she’s not so proud of and afraid for you to know about her. We all do. You will need to accept her and treat her with gentle kindness she gives you.”

I was crying again. "She told me. I told her she was different than the others. She asked if maybe I was different."

Celie snickered, "I like her."

"You would. She speaks therapy."

"I want to be very clear, Seb. She sounds wonderful and she may make you better. You sound wonderful and I bet you make her better too. That’s how it should work in a relationship. You help each other along. It takes two people with self-awareness making choices to do what it takes. You both have to choose growth, honestly, humility, vulnerability, and sacrifice. I hear you holding up your end. I’ve not heard you do this before. And while she may be the right woman, you've become the right man. Please, please, do not underestimate how much work you've put in to become the right man for another person.”

"I want to go home and cry for an hour or so."

"I wish Emma was here for you."

I shook my head with a grimace, "It's going to be ugly until I get it out."

"Yes. I think Emma would want to be there to hold you and you'd find more acceptance and comfort in that than you can imagine."

At home, I grabbed a beer, sank down in my favorite chair, and cried. I felt everything all at once but fought to untangle the threads. Sad was remnants of the past and dissipated quickly. Its friends regret and shame fought a little harder to stick around, but they were toxic and needed to go. Pride and relief were together too. Celie was right. I had worked hard. An infinite number of hours had gone into figuring myself out. There have been so many times I thought I'd be stuck forever. Sometime in the last two years that I've been without a girlfriend, all the work must have come together. In the last two years I've been filming almost nonstop. Five movies have come out. Two of which were Marvel circuses. It's like all the therapy (and the work that goes with it) knitted me back together while I was busy filming and living my life. Celie had told me to trust the process. I couldn't rush it or make changes happen before it was time. Patience. I am inherently impatient. Pride was for the work. Relief was for seeing results. Finally.

Next was happy. I’m in a good place. I'm excited about the movie I’m making. I have supportive, fun friends, and a loving family. I don't need a girlfriend to be happy, but one does bring everything together. I like having a person who is mine. Mine in the sense of us experiencing life together. The good and bad. I like that. I want that. And now I have it. The beginnings of it, anyway.

After I pulled my shit together, I wanted to talk to Emma. I wanted support. Maybe not support, but I felt raw. I wanted someone to soothe the raw nerves, to sit with me while all this new stuff integrated. I wish she was here. What I needed was a hug.

Sebastian ~ Can you talk?

I don't like that I asked. It feels insecure and I have zero reasons to feel insecure. I quickly decided to cut myself some slack.

My phone rang and I connected to FaceTime. "Hey." Her bright smile and obvious happiness to see me did wonders to soothe those raw nerves.

Emma's face went from a smile to wide-eyed concern. "Sebastian, what’s wrong? You look like you've been crying. What happened?" Before I could answer, she jumped to a correct conclusion. "You had therapy. Good, bad, or cathartic tears?"

"Mostly the last one."

Her hand went to her chest, "Ok." She picked up what I assumed was her iPad and crossed to the chair in her bedroom. I could see her pull her knees up when she put her feet on the ottoman. She rested the iPad on her knees.

"Mostly a repeat of what we talked about Sunday. Celie said I wasn't giving myself enough credit for the work I've done. My growth."

As Emma had alluded to the same thing, I expected a smile or some acknowledgment of her asking if I was different. Instead, I got, "What do you think?"

"I think I still need to work on not being so hard on myself." I smiled because that statement was me still being hard on myself. "When Celie pointed out how I've changed I could see it and was proud of myself. I can’t see it on my own yet, but I'll get there. I never thought anyone would get past my walls. It wasn't someone getting in, it was me getting out." More goddamned tears.

Emma reached out and touched the screen. "I‘m so happy for you. Proud of you too."

Her words felt like a hug. Close enough for now. "Thank you."

"I know you're a grown man, but I wish I was there. Crying alone sucks."

"Oh," I laughed a little, "the chances of us having a messy reunion are high."

"Why?"

"A lot of you and I talk today. I know me, it's gonna hit me when I see you."

"I should warn you. I have a strict policy that nobody cries alone in my presence."

I smiled at her exaggerated southern accent with the "Steel Magnolias" quote. "See ... gonna be messy."

[romancing-lady-whistledown]

Just wanted to comment on your last post - there was no frustration and drama for me when I was watching Elu and Skam and Skam France before I made the huge error of looking for the fandom and joining it. Now I realise it was a big mistake, I have to constantly block people on Tweeter for hating on my faves and I've come to really hate another remake which I only didn't care about before having to deal with its stans. So I totally understand what you're saying. Me, I wish I'd never joined.

So this got long af so I’m gonna put it under the cut lol

Oh I absolutely feel you, when I say frustration and drama, I am refering to the live-watching experience and all the fandom drama that comes with that. I have a very polarizing feeling about being in the online fandom personally. For me the positive aspects have been so big that I can’t say that I wish I’d never joined personally, but especially if the positive aspects I’ve experienced haven’t been part of your fandom-experience I definitely see how you can get to the point where you wish you never joined in the first place, especially in the past year, because the negative aspects...they’re rough, and they do make the experience of the actual show different from if you just watched it on your own or you watched it as a casual viewer in the country it’s airing in, rather than as a part of the fandom on Tumblr and/or Twitter.  

I watched the original Skam as a casual Norwegian viewer, I was in a Facebook-group with other casual Norwegian viewers, there was never any drama about anything, not the clips, not the characters, not the actors and not the creators of the show. It was just watching the clips, often someone commenting about how the clip was cute, funny, sad ect, and then everybody moved on with their day. There would sometimes be a thread with questions like “Where do you think William is?” or “What do you think is up with Even?”, but it was always very casual. Sometimes I think the online fandom forget that the majority of the remake-viewers are the casual local viewers, the ones who only casually watch that one remake as a show on it’s own, not as a part of the “Skamverse”. The international Twitter/Tumblr-fandom is just a little part of the people watching the show and the opinions we see here don’t necessairily reflect those of the more casual audience (as one can often see in for example reaction-videos on Youtube where the reactors watch alot of shows at the same time and might not even blink at something that might’ve been a big deal in the online fandom). 

Being a casual viewer worked so well for me with Skam, the whole viewing experience was very chill and enjoyable. I did the same thing with Skam France S1 and S2, I watched the first episode of every remake, and Skam France was the only one I felt compelled to continue watching. It wasn’t the most exciting experience plotwise since it was just the exact same as the og, but I love the cast, I love the French language and it was overall pleasant and fun enough that I kept watching both seasons all the way through. As someone who has no attention span for TV-shows, the fact that they did keep my attention without anyone to push me to keep watching is enough for me to not concider them bad in the way alot of people do. Not very exciting after having watched the og, sure. Do I prefer the og S1 and S2? Yes. But bad? I personally wouldn’t say that. If I came into the fandom before I started watching on my own I know I would’ve been told to either skip S1 and S2 or skip Skam France altogether, and that obviously wouldn’t have been very good advice in my case, although it might be for someone else. That is why, when someone shows up on Tumblr saying they wanna start watching the remakes and ask for advice, I never ever tell them not to watch a remake. I could be robbing them of something that might deeply touch them, just because it didn’t touch me. 

This brings us into one of the aspects of being in the online fandom that can be both really positive and really negative, that being the way it can affect your experience of the show itself. On the positive note, there’s no way I could’ve gone through Skam France S3 in the casual way I went through the original Skam or S1 and S2 of Skamfr. No way. Having someone to talk to about all the amazing moments with was an actual need for me. Hell, two years later and I still need that. Not to mention the fan art and fics that has kept Elu alive for me ever since S3. There was this whole detective-work in the fandom about finding Eliott’s Instagram during S3, finding out about the Instagram-posts David and Niels made about the S3 clips, being in the online fandom actually added to the experience of watching S3 for me, and even now almost two years after S3 I’m left with some actual friends, friends that aren’t even in the fandom anymore but who I still talk to almost daily, as well as some lovely bloggers who are still invlolved in the fandom and who’s blogs I prefer to visit rather than visiting the tag.

But then there’s the negative side of this. While being in the online fandom certainly can add to the experience, it can also affect it negatively. That was what happened with S5 and S6 for me, to the point where I had to switch between staying completely off Tumblr and delete the Twitter app from my phone. While S5 had a couple of plotlines I didn’t like, it also had alot of amazing moments when it actually was dealing with the main theme of the season. S6 did not give their plotlines the proper exploration and conclusion they deserved, but on the other hand the reason why that was so frustrating to me was because I found those plotlines so interesting and actually wanted to see them explored properly. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t have cared if the plotlines were dropped out of nowhere, like ofc it would’ve been weird but if the whole Tiff-plot suddenly disappeared I wouldn’t complain. While they were flawed and nowhere near the level of S3 for me, I did enjoy so many of the clips and Skamfr S3, S5 and S6 are the only remake-seasons I have downloaded on my computer knowing I will rewatch them regularily. If I didn’t overall enjoy them, I wouldn’t wanna rewatch them. I don’t hate-watch anything. I could barely get through Skamfr S4 (a season I genuinely didn’t like) and I could not get through Wtfock S4, (which I liked even less). So the flaws Skamfr S5 and S6 had didn’t turn the seasons as a whole into trash for me, but I know they did for alot of people and going to the tags while in the middle of the live-watching experience couldn’t just be a bummer, it could almost transfer some feelings and opinions that weren’t my own onto me just from seeing them repeated so many times. I appreciate nuanced discussion, which does include constructive criticism, and there was alot of that too, but there were also alot of posts that I would not concider that. In this case, when I got some time and distance away from the live-watching experience and got the space to think for myself, I realized that as often is the case, my feelings about the seasons weren’t black and white, or in this case, masterpiece vs trash. Yes, I don’t like certain plotpoints (like the love triangle and car-scene from S5 or the Tiff-plot and the overly rushed conclusions to the otherwise interesting plotlines in S6), but that doesn’t mean that I personally think S5 or S6 as a whole are trash, not when the good episodes and clips were as good as they were to me personally. The online fandom experience has also, just like for you, completely turned me off from another remake that I otherwise felt neutral about and at one point even liked, which really is a shame.

So yeah this turned into a long ass essay just to say, the online fandom-experience is a true mixed bag for me. Although the positive experiences I’m taking from it, mainly the lovely and talented people, the friends I made and the full Skam France S3 experience, ultimately made it worth it for me, I can totally see how, especially if you didn’t have those experiences, you would simply wish you never joined. When it’s a pain, it’s a pain.

[trinkets-and-spirits]

Seen you on my dash a few times and wanted to say hi and thought this was a good way so: 14: Name some people on tumblr you'd like to hang out with (if any) 25: Discribe the worst fashion choice you ever made. Feel free to discribe it in detail.

Crap, I just saw this. I got too into Naruto & furniture hunting. 😅

Thank you for deciding to drop in & say hi !! And thanks for the questions !! 😉

14:— Name some people from Tumblr that you’d love to hang out with. (Oof, I hoped someone would ask!)

Hmm, a few prominent names pop to mind immediately; who I tend to use as answers for most of these questions; but there’re one or two—whom I don’t actually interact w/ that much, but secretly admire them from afar, tbh. 😂

1:— @cheapymccheaps // I realised last night that I’ve known him for like, 3 fucking years. We met on fanfiction dot net; I’m pretty sure it was either on my own forum, or a…mutual acquaintance’s (eck) forum. :p He’s essentially my favourite person in existence & I will fuckin drop kick anyone who tries to attack him, bc he’s wholesome; kind; and can’t beat me in knife combat in RD2O—but somehow still fills me with terror when I see him respawning. 😂

2:— @deltanoid // D E L A D D Y. T H A T I S A L L. 

3:— @meek-minded-masochist // We don’t really talk that much; and I totally left him hanging on a RWBY RP acc that I…haven’t been on in ages, bc I’ve just been so dead inside, and I still feel bad about it. ; u ; But he’s a really wholesome person; and again—I will destroy anyone who attaccs. :’)

4:— @keepcalmandcarrieunderwood // Again, I don’t really interact w/ him bc I barely manage to focus on talking to two people at the same time, so any more & I’m just kinda…oh no. But his blog is fuckin’ amazing & I get way too hyped over his infamous Oreo hunt, and his dad vs bad advice moments. He just seems like a genuinely chill person & I love seeing any reference to him. His blog & posts are literally a huge light in my life; and I’d probs actually die of ‘oH MY GOD *squee*’ vibes, if I ever actually saw him IRL. I am weak.

5:— @slavicafire // Viper Queen, so precious and beautiful. ❤ Another person that I share minimal interaction w/ ; but her entire presence expresses radiance on my life, and her blog is full of informative & amazing topics. 😊 She’s an extremely vibrant soul, and I’m happy to have found her, tbh. c:

6:— @smolpocketmonstercoffee // I’ve always had pleasant interactions w/ them !! My…forgetful ass is punting the info of pronouns & names into the trash, and I’m so sorry, if you’re reading this!! ; - ; But I totally love any time we’ve chatted or had any interactions on tumblr; your blog is just. Y a s s s.

25:— Describe the worst fashion choice you’ve ever made. Feel free to describe it in detail. (O h n o)

Uhh. Yikes, the first thing that comes to mind is an outfit from 2017—when I made the horrific decision to wear an already short dress w/ a sweatshirt on top, because body dysmorphia was telling me that was the best thing to do. It was not; because not only was this dress very flowy & would blow up at the slightest breeze, but my sweatshirt actually hiked it up a lot more, somehow. 

I’m still uncertain on how; maybe bc the fabrics got clumped together under my shirt, but regardless—some boomers got a kick outta staring at my…lower quarters. Me being 15/16 & oblivious as fuck to how I could get the same effect that my present outfit had, without giving old fuckers a peep show; I wore that outfit multiple times, before I finally realised my mistakes around 2 months after I’d been wearing the outfit frequently. :’)) I now avoid short skirts at all costs, and only wear midi and maxi skirts, bc I just…clearly don’t know how to style ‘em. 😂😂 This was also around the time that I used to wear wedged heels everywhere; not platforms; w e d g e d heels. That was one of the worst mistakes ever—and my dyspraxia & chronic pains still hate me. :’))

Recently, I also made the decision to wear a plaid button-up beneath one of my tops; because I’d been seeing it on Tik Tok and Instagram w/ striped tops, and I really wanted to get in on the trend. It didn’t work out too well, tbh. It wasn’t bad; and I think it could have definitely worked—but my top looked way too chunky (not great w/ body dysmorphia) w/ the two layers; and I felt really uncomfortable the entire time. You know that feeling; when you put on too many socks, and your feet just become kinda numb, and you feel like you’re walking on a mix of clouds and jelly?? It was that; but my entire upper body. It wasn’t a hideous outfit, and it definitely looked fine to most people, but in my eyes…it was just really bad?? I wanna try it again; but w/ a thinner top beneath my outer top, bc I just. I can’t deal w/ that body dysmorphia rn. 

And then there were the terrible cosplay attempts. Jeez. But I’m honestly blanking a lot, conveniently, despite knowing I have tons of other terrible fashion choices; so I’m just gonna…leave my attempted answer there. 😅😂

[sumptuoushstyles-blog]

Y/N visits Harry on tour, and Harry didn’t expect it.

or, Y/N waits for Harry to come to his dressing room when she catches him in the act. The act of cheating, that is. 

Pairing: Harry Styles x Reader

Warnings: cheating, angst (again sorry)

Word Count: 2.3k, it’s a long one, folks

When your relationship with Harry ended, you don’t think you have ever felt a pain like that in your life. Which confuses you, because when you told your mom about it ending after all your crying stopped, she asked you how you felt, and the only response you could think of was “numb.”

How could you feel so numb, but also be in the worst pain of your life?

The way things ended weren’t easy. It broke you in ways that you never thought you could be broken. Not for a second did you think he was capable of doing what he did to you.

When it happened, you were in a cheerful mood just a couple seconds prior, giddy with excitement at the thought of surprising Harry after you said you couldn’t make it to his last few shows. You were always able to make it, but you just wanted to surprise him. Jeff was in on it, since he knows Harry’s schedule best, (other than Harry himself).

You were sitting on the couch in his dressing room, wearing one of his tour shirts with your phone out, pressing record to catch his reaction so you could post it to your instagram later. As his footsteps started getting closer, you heard what sounded like more than one pair of footsteps. You automatically thought it was Jeff just talking to him about some end of the tour stuff, but you didn’t hear his voice.

You start to smile as you hear the door open, but as soon as you see him, it’s gone. Not only is Harry there, but so is a girl. There would be nothing wrong with that if his lips weren’t on hers, and if his hands weren’t on her ass, and if her hands weren’t knotted up in his hair.

He shuts the door with his foot, and as he opens his eyes to start getting undressed, he notices you. You’re not crying, but he knows your pissed.

“Fuck.” he says, and the girl he’s with turns around and gasps, putting her head down in shame and in embarrassment. 

“Y/N I could explain please jus-” he gets cut off by you ending your recording and laughing bitterly.

“Don’t worry about it. We’re done, Harry.” you spoke, rushing past him nudging his shoulder on the way out as you slam the door behind you.

You haven’t seen Harry in months. You have broken up with people and you’ve been broken up with in the past, sure. But this heartbreak hurt 10 times more when it came to Harry and what he did.

After you flew home, you had your best friend come and help you take all of your stuff out from the apartment, and she helped you bring it to your mom’s house, you wanting to be in the comfort of her.

You have barely left the house since that moment, not wanting to be caught with your almost permanent red brimmed eyes, and you didn’t want to catch a magazine with Harry’s face on it either. You blocked his number, unfollowed all his social media, and deleted everything on your phone that had to do with him.

The same best friend that had helped you get all your stuff, was also the one that brought you back out into the world again for a night. Your mom has been nothing but supportive, but she also wanted you to start getting better, and you staying inside all the time did nothing for you.

Also wanting to give your mom some of her space back, you reluctantly agreed. You decided to go to a club, and you were wearing your best outfit, something comfortable to dance in, but also something that you felt sexy in. With your makeup looking the best it’s been in awhile now, and your hair up in a ponytail, you looked good and felt good. Nothing could bring your attitude down.

You and your best friend finally got to the club, and immediately went to the bar for some shots. Feeling the burn down your throat down to your stomach, you already felt better than just sitting in your bed of your old bedroom.

You were feeling good until you were dancing with a random attractive guy. Your back was to him and his chest was against you, hands on your waist. You felt confident, beautiful even, something you haven’t felt in months.

You broke away from the attractive man, Ryan was his name. Or was it Jason? The shots you took were starting to have an effect on you, so you pulled away and told him you were going to find your friend and get some water, not fully ready to go home with anybody anyways.

As you’re approaching the bar, you see your friend pushing against the chest of some guy, and you see her lips moving as if she’s yelling. You can’t really get a good look on the guy that she is yelling at, but regardless you rushed over and took her hands away, not wanting her to cause any trouble. That was until you looked up to see who the guy was.

Your eyes locked with his, your heart started racing and your stomach clenched. You felt the tears behind your eyes within seconds. You glared at him, and brushed passed him. Just as you did the last time you saw him, nudging his shoulder to get around him.

You got out of the club and started taking deep breaths, trying to regulate your breathing. You walk in the opposite direction of the club, wanting as much space as possible. You lean against a wall, head tilted back and your eyes closed, and that’s when you hear the footsteps, and soon his voice.

“Y/N, please, I just wanna talk t’yeh. Will yeh at least give me that much?” He pleads with you. You laugh at him, lifting yourself up from the wall and opening your eyes to glare at him.

“Give you that much? Really? I gave you everything. I’m not going to apologize for not listening to your petty excuses, Harry.” You shout at him, not caring for who’s listening or not.

“Y/N, yeh need to hear me out. I was upset that yeh weren’t comin’ to the shows, and I did it without thinkin’. It was one time! I swear.” He tries reasoning with you, but you don’t want to listen.

“Pathetic.” you mutter, you feel the tear roll down your cheek. He stares at you, mouth opening and closing every few seconds, knowing what he wants to say but is too afraid to say it.

“Yeh didn’t even cry,” he murmurs, “yeh jus walked right passed me, barely bat an eye. Was almost like yeh didn’t even care.” You’re looking at him now, in shock and in disbelief.

“I didn’t? Interesting.” You tell him, sarcasm behind your words.

“Don’t start with that.” He begins, but you’re already talking.

“No! Lets. Because apparently I didn’t cry for you. Would you like to know the truth?” You ask him kindly, him only nodding in response, scared as to what you’re going to say.

“You’re right, I didn’t cry.” You begin, him opening his mouth to say something. But you continued, still in that sweet voice you were using. “I didn’t cry in front of you. I didn’t cry when I went to get my stuff from the room where your band was at, or when I hugged them goodbye. I didn’t cry when I got in the cab to get to the hotel room, or when I was flying back to London. Nope! Didn’t cry then.” you said. Him still staring at you, waiting for you to continue. “Wanna know when I did cry though?” you asked again, only getting his stare again.

“I fucking cried my eyes out when I got back to our shared flat.” You told him, voice shaking slightly. “I cried. My god did I cry for you. I cried so hard that when I called my mom, she thought someone died. I had to go back to an apartment that was once filled with so much love, and all I felt in me was hatred and sadness. I had to clean out that same apartment, rip out any memories I had from that town, from that flat, from you.” You shouted, taking a breath to continue.

“Did you forget that I recorded your reaction to me surprising you? Because I didn’t. Rewatched it 100 times over to make sure that it was real, that the person who claimed to be so devoted to me and loved me more than anything was cheating on me. Do not say I didn’t care, Harry. Leaving you was the second hardest thing I had to do in my life!” you yelled at him, fully sobbing now, but keeping your voice strong.

He still hasn’t said anything, but you could see the tears in his eyes and rolling down his cheeks underneath the street light. “Since that was the second hardest, I’m sure you want to know what the first hardest was, right?” You questioned him yet again, getting closer to him.

“Trying to get over you is number 1. And as you could tell, I’m not in that club right now because I’m still hurting!” You continue, pressing your fingers into his chest, wanting to hurt him just a little.”Making eye contact with you was a huge mistake because it brings back everything we ever were. It brings back how stupid I was to think that you were perfect and wouldn’t hurt a fly. But here I am, hurt, because you decided that she was what you wanted!” You exclaimed, voice cracking, stepping away from him, not being able to be strong anymore.

“Love, I’m so sorry I-” he tried speaking, but you don’t want to let him. You’re too worked up over months of pain to just let him try and talk his way out of this.

“No, you don’t get to do that.” You begin to tell him, shaking your head in denial. “You can’t call me love and then apologize and expect me to fall right back into you. Which is weird, because I thought as soon as I would hear your voice again I would run into your arms.” You laugh, bringing your hand up to your under eyes to wipe whatever makeup is running.

You start speaking again, softly this time, realizing that there’s no point in yelling.

“Tonight was the first night in a while that I felt confident. I felt pretty. I got attention from a guy who I’m sure that if I wasn’t so broken from you, I would be going home with right now.” You pause, taking a breath as you stare him in the eyes.

“You took that away from me. Made me believe there was something wrong with me because you wanted someone else.” You tell him, confessing how you felt about your own self. You’re not looking at him anymore. Your head is hung low and your arms are crossed over your chest. He’s shocked and mad at himself, since you were always so confident when you guys were dating, even before hand. He runs a hand through his hair before he starts talking.

“I don’t expect what I’m about to say to change anything. But when I mean it was that one time, it was that one time. It was that one kiss that I will regret for the rest of m’life, because yeh were the best thing to ever happen t’me.” He breathes out, choking back a sob as he rubs his eyes. “I wanted you everyday for the rest of m’life, I still want you for the rest of m’life. But I know that I have a lot of making up to do if yeh ever give me that chance. I love yeh, I always will.” He tells you, fully crying now.

You almost want to go up and give him a hug, run your hands through his hair, but you know better.

“You broke my trust, Harry.”

“I know.” He nods shamefully. “There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do t’gain it all back though, I want yeh t’know that.” He tells you, looking at you again.

You think to yourself for a moment and turn yourself away from him, so your back is facing him. The silence overcomes the both of you, the only sounds echoing from the music in the club.

“Would you promise me a future?” You wonder aloud, knowing the answer, but wanting to hear him say it.

“Of course! Yeh kidding me? I, uh, actually bought the ring already.” He tugs on his hair again. You spin yourself around to face him again, “What?” you ask him, needing it to be repeated.

He chuckles softly, shrugging his shoulders with his head hung low, but you’re still staring him down. “I bought yeh a ring, love. Half of the reason I was so upset. Was goin’ to propose t’yeh at that gazebo in the park? The 10 minute walk from the arena?” He tells you, trying to see if you remember. You nod your head slowly. Still in disbelief.

“I know how much yeh loved that park from the One Direction days. Was going to hang lights and make it look all pretty, then ask you in the gazebo. Fucked it all up now, didn’t I?” He laughs bitterly, finally looking up to meet your eyes.

The words flowed from your mouth before your brain could even process them.

“Make it up to me, Harry. Please, gain my trust back.”

You walk up to him, and hug him, quickly feeling his arms wrapped around you, reminiscing to how it used to feel, and how things are so different now.  

A/N: hi! hope you all like this one! thinking about making a part two of this if it gets enough notes, which is why I didn’t really make this a cliff hanger but it could also be built off of?? idk!! let me know what you guys think :’) thank you for reading!

[royaljeongin]

Les lettres d’amour

les lettres d’amour (the love letters) / one shot

pairing: yuta x female!reader 

genres: angst, fluff, fuckboy!yuta, college!au, roommates!au

word count: 3.5k

warning: alcohol, language, drunk sex (no smut though srry)

summary: “you should have never read this.” or when everything goes downhill after your really hot roommate finds your love letters one day.

a/n: proud of this one, probably one of my best works. (kinda inspired by tatilb, i just love the book series so much!) last edit: 18.09.16

[ masterlist ]

your apartment was a mess, boxes were scattered all over your old apartment because it was moving day. you were helping the movers put the boxes in their truck. you were forced to leave the apartment because the rent was getting impossible to pay. thankfully, you found another one, it was perfect. it was spacious enough, closer to school and the rent was significantly cheaper because you split it with a roommate which was perfect for the typical broke college student. 

you only met the landlord, an old lady who owned the complex for over thirty years. she had strands of animal fur on her clothes because of the stray cats that hung out around the building. she had a bright smile so you weren’t worried about the landlord. you were more worried about the owner of your new living space that you still haven’t met. 

you hoped that they would be nice and respectful, obviously. you wish that your roommate would study in the same field of science as you so that you guys had at least one thing in common. ideally a girl because you really did not know how to interact with people of the opposite gender. yes from your twenty something years of your existence, you still were clueless about how to keep up a conversation with a guy, let alone befriend them. 

it was not rare for you, though, to develop crushes.you never did anything with them because you were always hoping that they would magically notice you and fall for your “quirky” personality. your current one was nakamoto yuta. yes, the captain who got a scholarship because of his outstanding soccer skills. the japanese guy with the charming smile. he was also in the same major as you, biotechnology. every time you saw him in class, he exuded with such confidence that made him extremely attractive. and honestly, you would die for his smile. you loved it. rumours said that he hooked up with a lot of girls, ranging from freshmen to seniors. it was not in your habits to develop crushes on “players” but you really couldn’t help yourself. 

you crushed so hard that you let your feelings flow through words on paper. you weren’t too good at writing, your word choices weren’t always the fanciest but it perfectly conveyed your feelings in a simple manner. you wrote five total. all stored in a shoe box where you put all of your precious belongings. if the building was burning down and you could only save one thing, it would be the shoe box.

you entered the apartment. it was squeaky clean. the smell of cologne was subtle and wasn’t overpowering (just like you liked it). you walked around and visited every room. you went into the bathroom. you opened the cabinet and found shaving cream, razors and skincare for men. you were now more curious about your roommate and wondered who could it be.

you quickly settled in. you didn’t like when things got messy and laid everywhere on the floor. you unpacked as much as you could. after three hours, you were practically done. you just had to organize your clothes by colour. while you hung the last piece of clothing on your rack, you could hear the door getting unlocked. you hurried to greet your roommate to make a good first impression.

you heart was beating from excitement and nervousness. when the person entered, you introduced yourself with a “hello, my name is-“ and before you said your name, you were shocked at who was standing in front of you, he was holding the apartment keys. you blinked twice to make sure it was him.

the long messy hair, the intense gaze, it was definitely him. his arm were around the waist of a girl you never saw, probably an art student. you heard he was a sucker for art girls. one eye contact exchanged with him made you understand that you should be leaving. embarrassed, you bowed, took your bag and left. 

the moment you stepped foot out of your entrance, you received texts from your best friend, yerim, to meet up at a place to catch up. you were so caught up by the moving and the endless assignments that you basically did not have a social life. 

you joined your friend at a cute trendy restaurant and ordered your food. it didn’t take long before she asked you who your roommate was.

“it’s yuta,” you said while taking a bite of that cheeseburger.

yerim almost choked on her milkshake. 

“yuta as in nakamoto yuta?”

you nodded your head. she knew of your huge crush on him. you were always gushing about this boy.

“i wasn’t even able to greet him! the moment he entered the apartment, he was holding some girl.”

“do you wish to be that girl?” she teased. you hit her shoulder and yerim winced in pain. 

you unlocked the door, hoping that the girl would be gone. it’s been literally 6 hours since you left. you placed the shoes on the mat. the heels from the girl were not there anymore. you checked the clock. 

12:23 am

“hey princess, i’m nakamoto yuta.” he was at the dining table eating some fried chicken. you tried to be calm when he called you princess. you told yourself that he probably set that nickname for every girl and that it didn’t mean anything.

“hello! i am y/l/n y/n,”

“sorry about earlier.” 

you shrugged, you didn’t really care but it was kind of a dick move to bring a girl when you just moved in. you sat in front of him, took a piece of fried chicken and ate it. yuta looked offended that you took a piece of his chicken without permission.

“you gotta make up for earlier, that was awkward for me.”

he took your excuse.

silence.

“ok so let’s set some ground rules.”

he nodded his head.

“don’t bring home girls when i’m there, at least, don’t let me see the face of the girl you are gonna hook up with.”

“ok my turn, i do the laundry and you do the folding!” he smiled brightly.

“wait let me take a piece of paper, i need to note that down,” you said while grabbing a pen and cute paper from your stationery collection. you loved collecting pens, washi tapes, paper, sticky notes...

twenty minutes later, you finally settled on some ground rules.

1. yuta needs to be subtle when he brings girls home.

2. yuta is in charge of the laundry.

3. y/n does the folding.

4. both are responsible for cleaning the shared space.

5. y/n and yuta take turns for the cooking because they both suck at it!

both of you were happy with the rules and even shook hands to seal the contract. when you both touched hands, it finally sunk in. yuta, your crush, was your roommate. you thought this only happened in books or movies but here you are.

that night, you could barely sleep. you were thinking of when yuta smiled at you brightly. you never saw it up close but gosh was it ten times more beautiful. you liked how his eye lit up. you even wrote another letter that night and carefully putting in the shoe box.

a few months passed, you guys got a lot closer because of the time spent together. on friday nights, you guys frequently watched movies and anime together. cozied up while catching up to hunter x hunter together. when you both got tired of it, you either watched sci-fi films (his personal favourites) or rom-coms (your favourites). you couldn’t help yourself but get bored while watching sci-fis so you always ended up sleeping on his lap while wearing his hoodie that you stole from folding the clothes. the next morning, he wasn’t there because he always woke up early every day to practice at the soccer field.

college was still kicking your ass, so it wasn’t rare now to see you in the library finishing a last minute assignment or studying for the next exam. thankfully, yuta and you both had the same majors, so you guys always encouraged each other with several cups of iced coffes and forced yourselves to not procrastinate. contrary to a lot of people’s beliefs, he took his studies at heart and worked incredibly hard.

if you weren’t watching tv nor studying on fridays, yuta dragged you into those college parties. he made sure that your social life wasn’t stagnant. it pushed you out of your comfort zone. going to a lot of them forced you to interact with other students and you were even able to befriend some. you eventually ended up becoming friends with yuta’s best friend, sicheng also known as winwin. 

you enjoyed drinking cheap beer but you always passed out because you were a really light drinker. your roommate always carried you on his back and you always woke up the next morning feeling extremely hungover but with a clean face; the smudged eyeliner and concealer disappeared. he would take the time to clean your makeup off and you appreciated that so much.

the amount of time you spent outside of school sparked some rumours that you guys had something special going on. at least, on the stage of seeing each other. yuta always posted some pics of you on his instagram and you carelessly wore his hoodies to class. but it was also because he also brought a significantly smaller amount of girls at home; it’s been maybe a month since he did and you were happy about it because hearing girls moan and scream his name wasn’t the most pleasant when you were just trying to study. the guy always denied the rumours while you were wishing that he, at least, would have a small crush on you.

spending that much time with him definitely made you fall for him deeper. you found out a lot of quirks that made him endearing. like how he was always fed the stray cats. the fact that he didn’t sleep with any pillows made him even more unique than what he already was. you also liked it when he put on your favorite earrings of his. and him calling you princess never failed to make your heart beat.

you were currently completing your eye makeup look while listening to a random playlist. yerim was still deciding on what to wear. you let her choose her outfit from your closet because she claimed that she didn’t had anything to wear anymore (her closet was huge though). she was trying to find the perfect pair of boots to match her clothes when she found a shoe box. she couldn’t help but open it and found the letters.

you were still focused on getting your eyebrows even so she rapidly shoved them in her handbag then, excused herself to go to the bathroom. yerim locked the door and started reading your letters. amazed would be an understatement for how long you had feelings for the campus’ japanese prince. one of the letters were even from freshman year! your best friend didn’t want to let those letters go to waste so she sneakily slid them under his bedroom door, a smirk plastered on her face.

there was a change of dynamics between you and yuta and you had absolutely no idea why. he was distancing from you. he didn’t let you fall asleep on his lap anymore nor was he much excited about watching anime together with you. you didn’t know where you screwed up and you badly wanted to fix things but didn’t know where to begin.

you told yourself that you just had to let him alone for a while and everything would be back to normal again in two or three days. 

after a whole week, things were still the same. you became so desperate that you naturally drifted away from him. no more movies on friday nor going to parties together nor studying late at the library. you hung out with sicheng more though. it didn’t take much time before you confided all of your feelings to him. he assured you that yuta appreciated you and suggested that you should talk to yuta. you were probably exacerbating the whole situation by not talking to him but you couldn’t understand his actions and it felt too overwhelming thinking how you guys currently acted like strangers living in the same space in a short amount of time, to the point, you did all of your own chores. you eventually ended up giving back his hoodies, even though you were emotionally attached to them due to their smell. it exactly smelled like him and you loved it.

he also went back to his old habits, he brought home girls but he was respectful and tried to do do it as discreetly as possible and avoided doing it when you were around. it wasn’t rare that you had bad nights of sleep because of how much noise it got during the night. thankfully, it never lasted too long.

your didn’t go to parties nor friends to meet up (yerim is always busy) so you didn’t have anything to do of your friday nights anymore so you cleaned your room, especially your closet. you thought it would be a good time to do spring cleaning. it made you think of things other than yuta. he was only a being lingering in the back of your mind. 

when you got rid of those platforms that you never wore, you saw the shoe box. you slowly opened it, you swear that you could’ve let out a scream right now. you were internally freaking out because there was nothing in the box.

and everything added up.

the way yerim encouraged you to talk to yuta. the way he ignored you. it all made sense. your best friend probably shoved the letters under his door when you were busy doing your makeup. you tried to get get mad at her because it kinda ruined your relationship but you couldn’t bring yourself to it, she was probably trying to make this work.

you wailed all night under your bed sheets while listening to meaningless exchanges out of pure lust through the thin walls. he was never supposed to read those letters because you were scared that this would happen, that you would lose him.

never in your life, you thought you’d find yourself in the bedroom where a party was hosted, completely drunk, sucking someone you only vaguely knew the name of. it was something like jaehyun, you had no idea. what you heard were only grunts and fucks. you honestly didn’t know what you were doing, and why you were doing this. the effect of alcohol was taking a toll on you.

when you and jaehyun were done, you didn’t feel anything. you only thought of yuta. you were only reminiscing him feeding the stray cats, him holding the cup of iced coffee for you and him playing with your hair when you were studying because he wanted to take a break. it was always him and he was always on your mind. 

sicheng probably sensed something wrong when he didn’t see you for a whole hour. and he finally found you in the bathtub, crying, your mascara was ruined. to be honest, it wasn’t a pretty sight.

sicheng texted yuta. your roommate quickly came over to bring you home. yuta’s gaze softened when he saw you crying, he felt bad that he wasn’t here to emotionally support you. 

“come on princess, let’s go home,” he said softly.

you nodded. he successfully dragged you out of the bathroom. he was carrying you on his back, your chin was rested on his shoulder. his cologne felt like home. you were barely able to, but still mumbled words like “i miss you.” and “i love you.” under your breath. he quietly walked to the apartment complex. he tensed up when you said something about you sucking jaehyun’s dick and how you didn’t feel anything afterwards but it filled the hole of your heart, that represented yuta, for a short while.

he took off your makeup and put you to bed, when he was about to leave the room. you let out a wait! come here please. he got closer to you.

“what princess?”

you took clumsy steps and could now feel yuta’s breath on your skin. you tiptoed to be able to kiss him but he stopped you and made you lay in bed. 

“yuta, am i that repulsive? is that why you don’t want to kiss me?” you asked while whimpering. 

“no, no, i just don’t want you to regret your actions because of the effect of alcohol. i don’t want to take advantage of you. i am not that type of guy. let’s talk about this tomorrow okay princess? dream well.”

he turned the lights off and you doze off.

you woke up with a huge headache. last night was a blur for you. you checked your phone. you received tons of texts from jaehyun and everything was crystal clear now. you wanted to crawl under your bed forever due to embarrassment. you couldn’t believe you said all of these things to yuta.

you forced yourself out of your bed. you prepared a simple breakfast: toast and orange juice. yuta had practices on saturday so you didn’t really see him. you received a notification from yerim.

yerim: girl, are you okay? i heard from sicheng that you drank a lot yesterday.

you: yeah, i did. yuta brought me home so we are cool but i did embarrassing things...

you told her all of the events that happened yesterday from beginning to end.

yerim: y/n, you should just tell yuta in real life that you like him. what are you so scared of?

you: have u ever heard of the word rejection?

yerim: you are so dumb to think that he isn’t head over heels for you.

you: how do you know that huh?

yerim: full offense but everyone knows that he is whipped for you. it’s been the talk of the school for weeks. he smiles so much around you. AND he posts about you on his instagram when y’all aren’t even dating??? you guys basically acted like a COUPLE. just square up bitch.

yerim: and even if he rejected you, it wouldn’t hurt as much..

yerim: i am coming over btw, soccer team is in the finals and we need to cheer for them. he’ll be very happy to see you in the crowd tonight, i assure you (;

you smiled, you loved watching him play soccer. he was so focused and you admired that.

you and yerim arrived at the field ten minutes before the match started. thankfully, you were able to get two seats at the front, where you could see them the best. yuta saw you and waved. you asked your best friend to keep your stuff safe and walked up to him, a letter in your right hand.

you felt your heart beating faster every time you took walked closer and closer to him.

“hey yuta! i u-urm have something to tell you,” you said shyly.

he raised one of his eyebrow, waiting for what you had to tell him. you were obviously nervous and before you could even utter a word, the coach yelled at you for disturbing practice time.

fuck it, you thought. you gave the letter in his hands.

“only read this when you guys win! promise me.” you couldn’t let him answer because you quickly ran back to the bleachers. the match was about to start so he put the letter in his bag and got in line, ready to bow. the whistle started blowing.

all of the players were somehow moving gracefully and the ball was always moving smoothly. you were always amazed at how yuta was so concentrated, there was determination in his eyes and you really admired how serious he got when he wanted something. this time, he wanted to win, badly. the match was intense, both of the teams had similar skills, so it was hard to predict who would take home the trophy. there were only five minutes left and there was a tie. your heart was beating, you were seriously hoping that your uni would win.

your team currently had control of the ball and were trying to pass to the offensive part. yukhei, one of the teammates passed the ball to yuta and literally two seconds before the end, he was able to shoot the ball to the net. everyone held their breaths back until the score board had its final buzz, changing the score from 2-2 to 3-2. 

all of the crowd went crazy, they were all cheering loudly. your college team just won the nationals! the teammates all shook hands with every opponent. when the trophy was handed to yuta, team captain, his teammates all stood around him. they were celebrating between themselves, all of the blood, sweat and tears were suddenly worth it and the trophy was only the tip of the iceberg.

when yuta saw you, he ran to you. hugged you. he was overjoyed. 

“now you can tell me what was in that letter.” he whispered into your ears.

you broke the hug, and were finally able to admire his face. sweat was dripping from his hair, making his skin extremely dewy. he had the smile where his teeth showed. he was literally glowing.

“dear yuta, i  love you for an infinite amount of reasons and i hope you feel the same.” you never thought in your life that you would be confessing to a boy.

“dear y/n, i am in love with you. i always brought girls home because i wanted to get over you but i couldn’t because you drive me crazy y/n. especially yesterday, you looked like a mess but you were still pretty.”

he didn’t need to say more because your heart was ready to burst from happiness. you tiptoed and kissed him. he held your waist. he was excellent at this. when you finished, yukhei yelled “finally! they’re officially together.” followed by the team cheering. 

“oh and i am taking your hoodies back.” you murmured in his ears.

[chogiwank]

Milkshake Boy - Art Student!Renjun AU [Part 1]

part 2

Pairing: Art Student!Renjun x Art Student!Female Reader

Summary: Y/N is new in town and works at an Arts Shop which old ladies, teachers and parents picking up supplies for their children mostly visit, and a cute boy who comes by everyday. Having an accidental encounter with the boy they develop a friendship and a love with milkshakes, art and of course each other. Because what is even a love story if they don’t fall for each other with cheesy shit involved

A/N: this story is requested but also inspired by a couple of prompts I came upon therefore not exactly an original plot I suppose but original story !! [part 2 posted] - Doyoung’s Darling

New York is such a beautiful place to live in, especially during the winter time. The snowfalls, the city lights at night of yellow and during Christmas the red and greens. I study at NY Arts School at the end of my sophomore year as a visual arts major. We were considered one of the least popular, the dance majors being the most. We weren’t really seen as much - what can you even do as a visual art major? Is what everyone asked. No one really cared to know for the history of art, Picasso, Monet, Da Vinci. No one really wanted to know what art really was, or why we even loved it. We were considered sort of outcasts despite it being an art school, such irony right? No one here realized art was a way to have colour in our lives, a way to speak with pictures without having to say a single word. It was a way to figure out how others minds work with their interpretation of pieces. It’s a way to make essentials and decoratives which existed in our daily lives; plates and utensils, carpets, blankets, many many things which art was discredited for.

Outside of school, I worked a job as a barista at this cafe, three to five hours for the weekend and then head to the library to study. My parents- well my mother works a job as an English teacher. My father passed away two years ago, I never got much time with him due to him being overseas for his job, he was a good man and we both loved him very much - but unfortunately, his kidney’s gave out on him and couldn’t live a full time with us. Hey, that’s life right? Mystery and questions of will tomorrow come or not, it’s unsolved until it actually happens.

Without having many friends because of my hectic life after the death of my father, my weekend jobs to help out my mother and studying until 2AM in the mornings, life in New York was still really nice. I didn’t mind it, and I wouldn’t change it for anything - that was until my mother got a job offer overseas, to teach abroad in Korea. Yeah, Korea, that’s a huge change, right? Moving from New York to Korea, a massive culture shock, especially right before my junior year of high school. Although I had no choice, being a minor I wasn’t allowed to live alone, the only family I had left was my grandparents from my father and mother’s side. Mother’s lived in Canada, the land of freezing cold winters and sometimes even snow in May. Now don’t get me wrong, I love my winters but snow in spring? I’m not even kidding guys there was deadass snow in May and I was crying my ass lives in Canada and I’m not even surprised I JUST WANT MY WARMTH Really, I’m fine with winter it’s a beautiful season but I prefer my winters to stay in December and I like my warmth during spring and summer. So that was not happening anytime soon. Then there was the option of my grandparents from my father’s side but they lived overseas in Korea - so at this point, there was really no option I had to leave New York, I had to leave NYA behind and start a completely new life. Live in a foreign country where I wouldn’t know anyone besides family and I had to work on speaking a whole new language. See, I know bits of Korean and I can understand it - thanks to my father being Korean, but I suck at speaking it. Now, of course, my mother and I looked into it to get me into an international school so it’d be easier for me to adjust, but I still felt unease. Everything would be so different, totally new people, teachers, school a whole new country. I’m not the best at change but...for this I had no choice, it was for my mother, the sake of her job and our living.

And so here I am in Seoul city the capital of South Korea.

I arrived here in early June, around the time school was ending for Korean students. My mother and I were provided with a small studio in the city, acquired transit passes and I surprisingly ended up with a job. It wasn’t much I just got to work in an Arts Shop as a cashier, for the time being before school begun once again in August, it was weird because school for me usually started in September, but I guess that’s the beauty of culture change, adjusting to new routines and lifestyles. Of course, my grandparents gave us some money to last until second month’s rent and invited us over for dinners to help us save some before mother started her work.

The owner of the Arts Shop was very kind, an old man who sat behind a counter every day reading the newspaper and always had a bright smile talking to customers, and currently I was in his position - without the smile. I was spending five hours of my vacation days in a foreign country behind a counter of a shop which old ladies, teachers and parents visited. There were the rays of the bright sun which shone into the store, lighting it up during the day and bringing in heat. The air conditioning wasn’t available so I was left to cool down with any paper or book I could fan myself with, it wasn’t very useful but the best I could do.

“Excuse me, I have a quick question.” A boy came up to the counter with a bright smile. He had dyed blonde hair covering his forehead, round glasses and a yellow t-shirt. His eyes a shade of brown, chocolate-coloured if I must say, sort of hazel with the sunlight on his features.

“Excuse me?” He waved a hand in front of my face, knocking me out my trance.

“Oh yes, sorry.” I shifted my gaze to the counter top in embarrassment. Was I staring? I can’t be, oh boy he probably thinks I’m a creep. “How may I help you?”

“Well there’s two things, first do you have any of these paints?”

I examined the empty bottle of paint he placed on the counter. “Ah, asianpaint’s oil paint. That should be in soon, just not in stock today sorry to dissapoint.” I shrugged my shoulders. “Second question?”

“Any idea when they’ll be in?” He anticipated.

“Possibly in a week, but that’s if they don’t get held up somewhere in transport.”

“Oh alright, well thank you.” He bowed, grabbing his empty paint bottle stuffing it into his backpack and walking out the door.

Now, that boy I’ve been seeing him every day since I’ve started working, which wasn’t really that long ago, maybe it had been just one week? I see him every day in the same spot, he’ll come around during the evening and sketch in his book while drinking a milkshake, strawberry I think? I caught myself waiting for him to show up each time. In fact, I started to realize how cute he actually was- if only I had socialist abilities but I don’t think they’ll be out any time soon.

The next day passed by as the same old routine: wake up, eat breakfast, mother and I would head out to my grandparent’s to check in, then at 3:00PM I’d be here to work until 6:00 or 8:00 you know depending on how exhausted I was. I would then head home to eat dinner and then sleep. The next day would just be a repeat of the previous one. Today was just like any other, except with a slight change - the manager asked me to come in a little late to close up shop since he had other duties to attend to early and so I accepted. I walked in at about 6:00 and closed up shop around 9:00 it wasn’t that busy considering many people would be having dinner between this time and so no one came in, giving me the opportunity to sit down and play games on my phone, scroll through Instagram and such.

As the clock hit 9 I began to check around the shop to make sure everything was okay, I locked the entrance door and walked out from the exit. Unfortunately, I didn’t have the chance to meet with the cute milkshake boy who would always sketch. It was a bummer really but, lately, he’s been talking to me, nothing too big just little conversations of ‘how was your day’ ‘have you been well’ and little jokes here and there. It was quite nice actually, made me feel like I was being accepted.

As I started to walk away I turned the corner bumping into someone, falling backwards with a hard hit to my tailbone and smashing my head on the ground. I groaned from the pain and my eyes squeezed shut feeling a weight on top of me. I sat up as I felt the weight of the stranger lift off me, speaking incoherent apologies and ‘I should’ve looked where I was going’. My brain adjusted my vision from the hard fall to the night lights, fixing the blurred face of the stranger. My eyes grew wide from the surprise of who the stranger was, I swear they almost popped out of their sockets.

“Milkshake boy,” I said as I groaned, the back of my head throbbing from pain.

“Are you okay?” He asked in concern, rubbing his elbow as it bled due to the scratches from the concrete. “Can you see how many fingers there are?” He waved three fingers in front of my face.

“Three.” I hissed rubbing the back of my head. He let out a sigh of relief and stood up helping me get on my feet as well. Losing my balance I let out a yelp as I began to fall once again, the boy’s arm wrapping around my waist to keep me up. Looking up, I thanked him for preventing a second fall, eventually making eye contact I giggled at our position - a dip with his arm around my waist and our faces close to our noses barely brushing each other- confusing the boy at my abrupt laughter he furrowed his eyebrows until he came to realize how we stood and our closeness. He blushed, his cheeks turning a tint of pink helping me up to stand on my own. his gaze shifted to the ground as he fiddled with his thumbs from the embarrassment.

I cleared my throat to speak breaking the awkward atmosphere,

“you’re milkshake boy, right?”

“w-what?” He looked up with wide eyes. “is that how you acknowledge me? Milkshake boy?”

“Uh yeah, kind of - you never really told me your name.”

“Oh...” he trailed off from the realization, “Sorry, my name’s Renjun.” he extended his arm for a handshake.

“Nice to meet you, I’m Y/N” I smiled. “Still prefer calling you milkshake boy though, it works better.”

“Well if you’re going to be calling me that...” he scrunched his nose, placing a hand on his chin in thought. “I might as well keep calling you counter girl.”

“counter girl?” I questioned. “is that the best you came up with?”

“the most decent one.” he corrected. “there was also Arts Shop girl, cute counter girl-”

“cute?” I raised a brow from his confession.

“w-what- oh!” Renjun panicked from his accidental slip up. “no, no! I meant like uh..well it didn’t work that well.”

“So you don’t think I’m cute?” I teased.

“no, no that's not it I-”

“I’m joking!” I laughed. “Loosen up a little.” Renjun rubbed the back of his neck as his face got a darker shade of pink from his continued embarrassment. He was really adorable from afar, but boy was he even cuter red-faced, and when his nose scrunched up, oh boy. I think my heart melted.

“What are you doing here so late?” Renjun questioned. “Don’t you usually come in the afternoons?”

“Oh, so you stalk me now?” I teased, making Renjun flush as he denied. “Wow, you really do blush easily.”

“What, no I don't!” Renjun said flustered. “I just- it’s cold.”

“Yeah, it’s cold in 18 degrees Celsius and that's why you’re constantly red not because of every time I tease you,” I smirked. Renjun gave a stern nod crossing his arms over his chest.

“That’s right.”

“Whatever you say milkshake boy.” I shrugged my shoulders. “I have to be getting home now-”

“What? Alone at night?”

“Well yeah, what about it?” I tilted my head to the side.

“It’s just so late.” Renjun said concerned. “What if anything happens to you? You shouldn’t be out alone this time of night.”

“How do I know you won’t murder me?” I crossed my arms over my chest, teasingly cocking up an eyebrow.

“I would rather not be someone suspected for murder,” Renjun laughed. “Plus I’d probably get kicked out of my art program.”

“Art program?” I questioned. “You’re in an art program?”

“Yeah, don’t be teasing me or any-“

“No, no! That’s really cool, I used to be in one.” I exclaimed. “I love art so much, it’s one of my greatest passions.”

“Really? Why aren’t you in it anymore?” Renjun asked.

“I used to live in New York with my mom, then we moved to Korea because she got a really good job offer.” I smiled.

“Oh I see, New York yeah? Is the cheese cake as good as they say?”

“I wouldn’t know,” I chuckled. “I never really liked cheese cake.”

“Whoa really? Anything you did like?”

“Hotdogs actually, I ate them everyday after school - I kind of got sick of them at one point so I ended up switching between fries and hotdogs.”

“Understandable,” Renjun laughed. Gosh, his laugh was so pleasing, it could probably calm tsunamis and gather animals around him like in fairy tales when the Princesses sing - his laugh was a perfect melody. “My sister should be here to pick me up soon, let me give you a ride.” He offered.

“What? No, I couldn’t let you do that, we just met.”

“Come on, please?” Renjun pout. “It’s either you let me drive you or you give me your number so I can check up on you to make sure you got home safe.”

“Oh,” I blushed looking down at my feet. Did he just ask for my number?

“I’d probably have nightmares if I found out I let you walk alone and someone murdered you.” He grabbed my arm. “Let me drop you home.”

I nodded my head, “102 Jeongu, I live up in the apartment.” My face was still flushed and god it was so embarrassing, a few minutes ago I was literally teasing him for getting flustered easily and now the tables have turned. He smiled as I told him my address turning around to the street as a bright light shone on us.

“Noona!” He said heading over to the car. He opened the door signaling me in. I shyly greeted his sister as he introduced us and drove me home. I felt sort of bad though, I didn’t even know where his house was, what if it was on the completely opposite end? Gosh that would fill me up with so much guilt but I was thankful for the ride as it saved my legs from the pain of walking 30 minutes and the possible dangers of the night - you know the possibility of me getting murdered or kidnapped by someone, which I doubt but not really impossible. In all honesty, I hated the dark anyways, it’s childish but I’ve always been scared of it I don’t know why? I’ve just never been comfortable enough to be alone surrounded by pitch black. Possibly the outcome of all the horror movies I’ve watched.

Arriving at the apartment doors I thanked them and asked if they would like something in return for the favour, both denying for the return of anything.

“It was our pleasure,” Renjun’s sister warmly smiled.

“Just stay safe, okay?” Renjun flashed a bright smile waving as they drove off.

I walked to my apartment and greeted my mother who sat on the couch reading a People’s Magazine. Wishing her a goodnight I got myself ready for bed, my mind playing out the encounter with milkshake boy as we stood close our noses almost brushing each other’s. Should I have kissed him? No, wait wait that’s wrong - I’d come off too strong and probably drove him away. I really wouldn’t mind kissing him, his lips were so pretty and pink, they seemed soft so perfect to attach mine to. Maybe one day, I sighed. One day, as long as he’s not a douche - please don’t be a douche, uh what was his name again? Renjun? Yeah, Renjun. And so, I drifted off to sleep after the surprise event of today hoping tomorrow to be another.

A/N: I hope you guys enjoyed this!! Please feel free to DM or comment below your thoughts and send in requests if you wish!! I’ll be making a part 2 as long as this post gets let’s say uhhh 30+ notes likes and such !! <3 take care of yourselves,, lovelies!! - Doyoung’s Darling [PART 2 HAS BEEN POSTED LINK ABOVE!!]

[brokenrants]

my 5 seconds of summer experience

okay so, we got up at 8am, i put in my lenses, took my pill (for some reason i didn't get sick or nauseous bc of it this time, i usually do), put on my fake lashes (i still have them on, they're so beautiful) and my makeup, put on my concert outfit and ate and then we left for the train. in the train we listened to 5sos of course and we had our phones on shuffle and three of the songs we're on sync, i mean when my song (amnesia) started, her phone played it too and it started at the same time and i thought it was a good sign or something. anyway, we left the train at around 12 and had to take the metro, which we couldn't find at first and then we had to walk a bit and couldn't find it either lmao.

we got there and there already was a huge ass line so we went to buy food and to pee lmao. when we came back we got the pink wristbands and thank god!! we got the last ones yayyy, we had so much luck lmao. we waited then, they sold the youngblood wristbands outside and i needed one and i was happy, still am that i bought it because the original ones are silikon and ew. it got fucking cold near the end ugh, but it was great organized because they gave soundcheck numbers as well and they had to line up with the numbers and we did too and they lead us inside, so we were close. the only mistake they made was to let the ones without wristband on the ground right after us and some people ran to be closer but they let in the people with wristbands first. they were like always letting 10 inside. 1-10, 10-20 and so on. it took a little while because we had 154 and 155 but the people behind us didnt have a number thank god lmao. we also didnt take a bag so we could go inside really quickly, we had to give our jackets and all to the people and that was a good idea because it got so fucking hot already before lovelytheband was performing. we got inside then and i went to the toilets straight hahahah. they had toilets on each side of the stage and when i came back someone came up to us and said we could go in the part with the soundcheck if we get the yellow wristbands so we did that. that's why we were even closer.

i had so bad back pain the whole day, while waiting in the line, while waiting inside so i sat down until lovelytheband. when a friend sent me a picture of their setlist (lovelytheband) i was so sad because they wouldn't play maybe i'm afraid or stupid mistakes, i commented on their instagram saying it would mean the absolute world if they could play one of these songs and guess what? THEY PLAYED MAYBE I'M AFRAID IT WAS SO NICE he also said that it's okay not to be okay and that you’re not alone ever - i wish they'd have played walk from here as well, i love that song. but they said they might come back to germany so maybe, MAYBE, i will try to see them again because they're actually really good.

we waited then for 5sos, my back killed me but it wasn’t that warm in there and other than at the troye concert we got some fresh air now and then so i didn't feel dizzy at all!

when 5sos came it was so amazing, the lights, and the beginning, the music, just everything. i had enough space to jump and dance around which is rare especially this close lmao but thank god i had my lenses and i could see them perfectly. they were like 5 meters away, it was so amazing and i think they looked at us too. michael had such a great mood, he smiled all the time and they did that robot voice thing which was funny. when luke was starting to sing lie to me he fucked up the first tone and he was like "fuck, sorry" and that was like the cutest thing ever. ashton talked a lot too, i always loved that. last time in hamburg he was like "ac/dc is performing in the stadium next door so we need to be louder than them", calum really didn’t say much but i was sfkahglajfs when he started amnesia, i love that song. i had so much fun, i didn't have to worry about anything anymore, not about fainting (even if the light at she looks so perfect was flashing so hard i could barely see lmao) but i loved every second and i wanted to go again. at some point during the 5sos performance the lead singer of lovelytheband went on stage and performed with the boys and it was so great!! it was literally a highlight and reminded me of when astrid s performed with troye in hamburg!

when we got out we had to get our jackets and it seemed like we had to wait for hours, but thank god we gave them at the end (they had like different numbers 1-200, 200-400 and so on. we had ours 1700-2000 so the line was short there actually. when we got out i enjoyed the fresh air so much omg hahaha and my back hurt so much too. also, the tour busses where right at the entrace and apparently they were at the bus door and fans saw them and we started singing she looks so perfect for them but i couldnt see them sadly.

then we had to walk to the metro again and someone sold poster for 3€ and of course i got one because i first didn’t wanna spend 15€ on a original one and second the line at the merch thing was fucking huge. we went to the metro then and on our way i saw a shooting star. i think i was the only one who saw it and i was like "can this day get even better? we had so much luck!" 

back at the train station we went to mcdonalds because that's our post concert mcdonalds tradition. after every concert in hamburg me and my best friend got fries. we even gave some money to a homeless (idk if he was homeless but he was sitting in a wheelchair as well) and he got some cola for it and showed it to us. we spent like 2 hours in the train then, walked home for 20 minutes and i put off my makeup, checked my social media and then i went to bed. i fell asleep after 10 minutes and didnt wake up until julia's mom left for work. 

it was so amazing, i wish i could see them every day. they did so amazing, like always!

[themelaninmamifiles]

Planning for Baby: The Nursery

Earlier last month I started a “planning for baby” series which focused on things like feeding (via formula) and diaper stockpiling. Today, let’s talk the nursery. With the exception of the first few months, your little one is probably going to be spending a lot of time in the nursery. And although it’s not a requirement for you to create this space for them, for many of us it’s a lot of fun to create a cozy yet functional room for baby. Not only will baby be catching some much needed z’s in their nursery, but it can also be a great playroom, a space for nursing/feeding when they’re exclusively on the breast or bottle and will also double as their room for changing diapers and so forth. And as baby gets older, this will eventually become their official bedroom. If you don’t have the space for baby to fully have their own room, there’s no reason you can’t still carve out a little space for them in your bedroom, home office (assuming you don’t use it as a full time office) or even living room or family room depending on how your home is configured. 

When it comes time to plan your nursery, it can literally be an overwhelming experience. Instagram and Pinterest may have you feeling like you have to literally do the most to prove your worthiness to be a new parent. But this just isn’t true. If you want to go overboard, by all means do so. At the same time, whether your budget doesn’t allow for it, or your aesthetic is more minimalistic, you can still create an awesome space for baby. Read on for some tips (based on my own experiences) to create the perfect space for your little one.

1. Pick a Theme and/or Color Palette

This is going to be crucial in terms of decor and color selection. For my husband and I, we’re both minimalists. We don’t like a lot of traditional overly carved furniture. And to top it off, I don’t like the “traditional” pink for girls/blue for boys. I knew from the minute I found out I was pregnant that I wasn’t going to adhere to that old school style of thinking. In a previous post, I mentioned how I opted to go with a unicorn & clouds theme plus picked a color palette of light gray, lilac/lavender, and seafoam green. Now, part of the reason I went this way is because we opted to convert my home office into Baby G’s room. And when it was my office, I had an awesome chevron gray theme going - including my chevron gray couch above which I chose to keep in the baby’s room. So, the couch became an anchor piece in terms of color & decor, and much of what I selected in terms of other furnishings and accents were done to compliment that chevron gray.

Note that my couch is currently housing some extra items that we haven’t quite decided where to put or that Baby G might not need for a few months yet.

2. Decide on Furniture

Although it’s nice to have a complete nursery furniture set, it’s not particularly necessary. And you may also not have the space to accommodate a full furniture set. In our case, it was most definitely a space issue - especially since we were keeping the couch in there. Even though Baby G had her own room, I didn’t want it to feel cluttered with furniture so maximizing space was a priority. Now, you will need a place for baby to sleep, somewhere to change them, and somewhere to house clothes, etc. In our case, the room comes with a closet, so we could put clothes (and our diaper surplus) in the closet. For us, we opted for an all in one convertible crib + changer from Graco that can go from crib to toddler bed to a full size bed (I’m a big fan of buying things that have longevity).

It came with built in storage, a set of three drawers in the changing table (where I house whatever current size of diapers + wipes/lotions/etc + any medicines) and a low drawer under the crib where I keep her receiving blankets, crib sheets, SwaddleMe wraps and zip up blanket sacks. And because I love minimalism, our crib features sleek lines and continues with the gray theme. However, we did also buy a few cubby storage systems and bins from Target to house things like books, Baby G’s short sleeve onesies, toys and other functional items.

Just keep in mind that you should absolutely NOT put the crib by a window. If your place is like ours, there are no child guards on the window. And even if you do, babies can get caught up in curtains and blinds. Just don’t do it. Also, don’t get freaked out, there’s a lot of extra stuff in the crib right now which won’t be there once Baby G arrives and I have yet to safety proof the room.

3. Decide Whether You Want to Paint or Not

I picked a color palette using paint chips, and for that reason alone I’m convinced everyone thought I wanted to paint the walls. I did not want to paint the walls. It’s a lot of work, and especially if you’re renting (which we currently are), it’s a massive pain in the ass to convert a room back to the original white/off white color. However, if you do want to paint, make sure you give yourself enough time to allow the room to properly air out. Paint stinks, and baby is going to have enough hurdles in their early days without also trying to endure paint fumes.

Now if you don’t want to paint (like me), there are fab alternatives. As someone who’s used to apartment life but hates bare walls, I am a huge fan of wall decals and wall art. Wall decals are usually made of vinyl and are as easy to remove as they are to apply. Likewise, I love wall art and use the 3M Command strips (make sure you get the ones designated to hold weight) because they’re as easy to come down as they were to put up. So, I have the “Taylor” + unicorn over the crib and the two posters on opposite short walls near the window. I still have one more wall to decorate (not shown) where I’ll put up seafoam cloud shaped decals.

4. DIY Decor

If you have the energy and are up for it, there’s a lot of cute DIY style decor options you can incorporate. I haven’t done it to date, but I know plenty of people who own Cricket productivity machines who create cute closet divider, card stock backed mobiles and other cute knickknacks to give their baby’s nursery some personality. Just make sure you give yourself enough time to complete any DIY projects as you can easily underestimate how fatigued you can get with your pregnancy.

5. Don’t Forget Functional Storage

We’ve been blessed in that our family and friends went crazy and bought us a ton of diapers and clothes. So, for the most part, I’ve bought the occasional outfit because I want to and haven’t had to even think about buying a diaper or baby wipe because people really showed up and showed out at our baby shower. Since we ended up getting a lot of clothes, my father in law installed a second clothes rack in the closet. So, I was able to place the first year’s clothes on the top rack and the toddler clothes on the 2nd rack. Likewise, I’ve put the older sizes of diapers on the top shelf - along with a few items that I just don’t have homes for right now - and NB, Sz 1 & Sz 2 diapers on the floor for easy access (along with baby wipes).

6. Remember the Baby Monitor & Carbon Monoxide Detector!

There are tons of modern options out on the market today, but whether you go old school or hi-tech wearables - this is an essential. I’m type A, and as someone who survived 2 deadly asthma attacks under the age of 5, I know how essential getting oxygen is! No matter how much I read up on the actual low statistical risk of SIDS or similar sleep concerns, I’m not comfortable with just a simple video monitor. So for me, I wanted something ultra high tech, that genuinely monitors breathing. Thankfully, I was gifted a Cocoon Cam from the brand, via my sister’s awesome connects. But originally I had the Owlet on my registry. And we do still also have a standard video monitor that a friend bought for us off our registry.

7. Acquiring Your Core Nursery Items

Hands down, the best way to acquire these items is through a baby registry. It might sound mercenary but babies are expensive and no one will begrudge you for being pragmatic about it. But also be realistic about prices and how you distribute price points in your registry. Just like with a wedding registry, the sweet spot is to keep the majority of your items under $100 and ideally between the $25 - 75 price point. Obviously things like cribs, changing tables, bouncers, swings, bassinets, gliding chairs or any other kind of furniture or electronic baby focused gadget will typically be very close to or more than $100. Be a realist, those are things that close family will most likely offer to buy you (or very good friends). I’ll do a registry post at a later date...but yeah...a registry will be your bestie for literally and figuratively outfitting baby.

Don’t forget gently used items. Often times it can be a family heirloom. We have a few frocks in Baby G’s closet that her tias & daddy wore when they were babies - including a fab christening gown. I know a lot of people put their noses up at second hand. But whether your budget requires it or someone just nicely offers it to you, don’t be so quick to turn it down. Now, the caveat to this is, if you’re receiving 2nd hand toys or furniture you absolutely must cross reference the item against the official Recall List on the Consumer Product Safety Commission website. Also, the majority of children’s product sites keep an active list of items they’ve recalled from their own portfolio. So, always double check before deciding to make it your own. Things can get recalled at any time. Specifically, you should NOT use a 2nd hand car seat. And if a crib is older than the early 2000s there’s a really good chance you can’t use it as drop side cribs are basically universally banned as being unsafe.

So, those are just some quick tips to get you started with building out your own nursery. Mine is still about 90% done as there are a few straggler items I need to re-home from the home office phase and decor that still needs to be situated. As I mentioned earlier, I’ll most definitely follow up with a registry specific post to help get people on the right track (as registries are very overwhelming)!

[yessoupy]

2016 fic retrospective

no one’s tagged me for this, but i need to do it because i got shit to write this year and i need a kick in the ass.

1. List of works published this year:

a man, a planet, a house, and a tree (technically december 2015); making space; mutant; on babies; memoria

2. Work you are most proud of (and why):

a man, a planet, a house, and a tree. the first fan fiction i ever read was star wars. i’d been kinda sad that after seeing the force awakens i didn’t jive with the main ship (finn/poe aka stormpilot) so couldn’t really get into the sudden explosion of fic. the second time i saw the movie i saw the guy who took poe’s helmet from him and i decided that would be my ship -- after scouring the imdb page and posting a comment on the actor’s instagram page for confirmation, thus was born poe dameron/resistance soldier. i gave him a name, and a backstory, and gave them a story. what i’ve always loved about the star wars universe is how VAST it is, and how many stories can exist in it without even touching on what we see in the movies or even read in the books. i could write about these two forever!! ALSO i wrote the whole thing without defining a gender for BB-8, and none of the references were tortured. :)

3. Work you are least proud of (and why):

on babies. i had this concept of harry as a pediatrician but the research involved would be wayyyyyyy too much, so i made him a nurse instead and rushed right through the entire thing to get it out. i’m least proud of it because it deserved more time than it got.

4. A favorite excerpt of your writing:

i’ll do one from each, since i finished so little, lol.

a man, a planet, a house, and a tree (in 2 short paragraphs i was able to build in huge pieces of marek’s backstory, if you’re more than a casual star wars fan):

“You understand why I do this, right?” Poe asks quietly, fingering the yellow piping on Marek’s pants. He’d tried once to pry out of Marek how he’d earned his Bloodstripe to no avail. He’d registered the mix of pain and pride in the soldier’s eyes and hadn’t tried again.

“I do,” Marek answers. “I just want you to come home to me every time you leave. And crashing squints into desert planets isn’t going to result in that outcome more than once.” Marek’s gaze flicks down to Poe’s chest. He traces the letters of his own surname beneath the crest of the Resistance. A N T I L L E S, with the second L halfway gone from wear. Poe closes his eyes at the soft touch and feels his deep exhaustion pulling at his consciousness.

making space 

“Okay. Fine.” He takes a deep breath. “When I was holding them, they were so warm and squirmy and ... god, it’s been years since I held a child that young. They’re so close to the womb, you know? They’ve spent longer inside of her than outside of her and ... I just wonder. What that would be like.”

“To be in the womb?” Bryan hopes this isn’t Jared’s surprise hidden kink, he’s not sure how he’s going to meet expectations on that one. Shower sex with the bathroom lights off and hot water? God, if he wants, like, a birth experience ... that could get messy. Also, the thought of that ... kind of gross. He could probably, like, tolerate it, but just barely. He won’t get hard, that’s for sure.

“No, to ... to have one. To have that capacity.” Jared locks eyes with him in the mirror. “Women are amazing.”

Bryan smiles down at him. “A touch jealous you lack the parts to bring life into the world with just a little assist?”

He bites his lip. “Maybe ... maybe a little.”

mutant

“Who’s a mutant?” Ryan asks, dragging his eyes away from Jason Lezak.

Michael waves at the dark-haired boy pulling himself out of the pool. “Cseh.”

Ryan scoffs and reaches for his hotel towel and briefs. “That’s not Cseh. Cseh is bald.”

Michael hasn’t known Ryan long, just through the training trip, and so he is still being surprised by Ryan’s idiosyncrasies. Or idiocy, he’s not sure yet. “Cseh shaves his head.”

Halfway through his deckchange, Ryan stops and cocks his head to the side. “Oh, well that makes more sense.”

on babies

Harry is just easing the crying newborn onto her mother’s chest when the paramedics board the bus. One of them accidentally kicks his phone, Louis still on the line, and the teen picks it up, takes over handling the call while Harry updates the paramedics on Sarah’s status. Sarah cries and refuses to let go of his hand as they load her onto a stretcher and they busy themselves with checking the vitals of the new baby.

The elderly woman -- Mary, she’d told Sarah to call her, Mary -- reaches up and dabs at his cheeks with her handkerchief. He hadn’t realized he was crying.

memoria

First things first, he’s debriefed. He’s clinical in his description because he has to be. When he recounts his interrogation, he describes what happened and that’s it.

“He raised his hand and I felt a pressure inside of my skull.”

He was pushing around in there, rooting through my memories.

“I knew he wanted the location of the map, so I thought about everything else. It was hard to hold onto the mundane ideas -- I started with a TIE fighter’s schematics -- so I moved to more personal thoughts.”

Marek Marek Marek my love your hands steady oil-stained Marek my soldier

“That worked for awhile, I think he was getting frustrated, but eventually ... I’m sorry. I ran out of energy.”

General Organa shushes him and squeezes his arm. “It’s alright. You did as well as you could.” He can see the pain in her eyes. “Commander, is there anything else about his interrogation technique that might be helpful in understanding his capabilities?”

General Organa never says his name. Either of them. Poe sighs. “I don’t know. I think ... I think he took something from me. But I don’t know what it is.” He blinks, a sick feeling settling into his stomach. “I guess I never will.”

General Organa nods at her assistant, who stops recording.

5. Share or describe a favorite review you received:

I know you probably think this is so old by now, but I love this concept so much and I've read this at least 6 times now! Just like.... please write more

This review encouraged me to write another poe/marek piece i had kicking around, so that piece (memoria) was dedicated to this person i don’t know!

6. A time when writing was really, really hard:

felt like ALL the time it was ... one time i sat down to write and cleaned the entire kitchen!

7. A scene or character you wrote that surprised you:

i really love marek. he’s essentially an omc so it’s probably no surprise that he is my favorite, but outside of my novel i haven’t attempted a fully-developed OC. i’m pissed at myself for making his bloodstripe a mystery to poe -- it’s fucking up some other stuff i’m trying to write. i might go in and change that actually ....

8. How did you grow as a writer this year:

I think I’ve done a better job taking an idea from inception to fruition? and also, writing the shit i wanted to read. 

9. How do you hope to grow next year:

I’d like to write and post more. In 2015 I posted a lot of stuff I really liked but knew I’d never finish (basically same thing as with Mutant). I need to finish some shit.

10. Who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer or beta or cheerleader or muse etc etc):

Oh, I chatted with @missboomissquick about just about everything I wrote this year. She’s always encouraging!

11. Anything from your real life show up in your writing this year:

last semester i had to teach psychology. i finished memoria after i taught the unit on memory!!

12. Any new wisdom you can share with other writers:

Even if you think it’s absolute shit, write it. If you finish it, publish it. You won’t get any better if you don’t practice. that’s not new wisdom, but eh.

13. Any projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year:

I have a Poe/Marek I was plotting that would take place after TFA, going to Corellia to pick up some more ships (because the Resistance is woefully under-shipped????). It’s so much fucking research to write in the new canon, so I decided that I could write Poe/Marek as an AU in the old EU, since I’ve read all that shit and wouldn’t have to research as much. But idk what the plot would be in that one. :/ For most of 2016 I set aside my original novel (it’s political in nature and shit with the Trump nomination and election just fucked with my head so I had to let those guys take a seat for awhile). I need to pick it back up and make some decisions about it -- i have 4 different routes for it. At least. I also have a Larry faux mpreg I really want to write, but I have to change the premise again. 

14. Tag three (or as many) writers whose answers you’d love to read:

meh, do it if you want! i’m not gonna pressure anyone.

[sweetsuccesssociety]

The Down & Dirty Deal on Botox, Painful Beauty, and Confidence

Staying with our theme of kick-ass confidence, let’s cross a whole ‘nother line and talk frankly about a subject that’s a little taboo: Botox, injectables, and beauty that hurts like a bitch. I’m not one to sugarcoat things, so I’m pretty open about my love for a little medi-spa help here and there, but I’ve found that I get a lot of backlash because of the business that I run. For some reason, people tend to think that because I preach self love, empowerment, and success that it’s hypocritical of me to care so much about the way that my face looks that I’m willing to stick a needle in it. Let me just say this: if you start from a place of loving yourself fully, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with doing things that add to your self confidence and help bring out an even sassier, sexier feeling version of that wonderful self.

Beauty enhancements, whether they be in the form of makeup, skin care, or yes – even shoving needles into your skin – are not about fixing yourself or changing who you are. It’s the same way that Beyonce struts around in insane outfits on the regular – it’s about taking that amazing inner confidence that you already have and shooting it through the goddamn roof. If you already love yourself, why not add a little extra sparkle? On the flip side, there’s also nothing wrong with aging naturally, going makeup free, or just really not being that into beauty. The point is: do what makes you feel ready to take on the world, whatever that is.

For me, that’s a lot of things. I’m actually not super into makeup – my usual routine is a good face oil, natural zinc based sunscreen, a cheek stain, Bare Minerals foundation, a good mascara, and a tough as nails long lasting lip stain. I spend approximately 6 minutes getting ready in the morning (I wash my hair once a week, sue me) and throughout my day I’m working from home, hustling to meetings, riding horses, hitting a quick workout class, and trying to make it to drinks or dinner after, so I both need something that holds up and is incredibly low maintenance. That’s honestly where my obsession with medical beauty procedures really came from: I figured that the better my skin looked with nothing on, the more low maintenance my beauty routine could be!

Spot on. After deciding to make the jump from skin care products to serious syringes and other things that look a lot like torture devices, my skin looked so killer sans makeup that my confidence shot through the roof. I started wanting to go to the grocery store more just to walk around. I also started to say ‘yes’ to more last minute social plans, feeling like even if I was coming straight from the gym or the stables that I could wash my face and still feel glowy. Don’t get me wrong – I loved my face just the way it was. However, I am a fair skinned (similar to the Twilight vampires when I wear highlighter), freckled little thing who spends an insane amount of time in the sun and my skin is very prone to hyperpigmentation (particularly in the form of a melasma mustache, which is quite fetching) and loads of tiny little lines. I’m not ashamed of these things, but I enjoy it more when they’re not there.

Deciding to mess around with something a little more serious, and more permanent, when it comes to beauty was a daunting task. I spent hours researching and finding the best technicians and products before committing. I finally settled on two main things to address: getting rid of my hyperpigmentation, and mellowing out the herd of laugh lines that had formed around my eyes. I ended up following a woman on Instagram who did beautiful work and after messaging with her and finding out that she was in my area, I decided to take the plunge. The technician I chose ended up being not only talented and safe, but just a lovely human, and put me right at ease. She practices on her self and she is gorgeous, which didn’t hurt, plus she shared every one of my sentiments about beauty being a source of empowerment for women and an outward expression of inner confidence. Totally my kind of girl. She suggested a micro-needling session with a concentrated hyperpigmentation lightening solution, followed by a small amount of Botox around my eyes and between my eyebrows, and Voluma (a long lasting filler) in my cheeks to ‘lift up’ my face. I’m not going to lie you guys; the micro-needling was outrageously painful even with numbing cream. But I’d do it a hundred more times. After the procedure, I swear my pigmentation decreased by half, and my skin has honestly never looked better in my life. I could not be more happy.

Check out the before and afters:

(including some no makeup comparisons, a selfie where I think I’m looking seductive but I really just look confused, and a professional photo taken three weeks post treatment where I’m not joking – I only have on mascara, eyebrow powder, and lipstick – and good lighting…the glow is that good)

Before (obviously!) – Besides the fact that I had gross gym hair and zero makeup, here is my before photo for the world to see. As you can see, lot’s of sun damage despite my obsessive use of sunscreen and lines from my constant laughing at myself.

After! This is about a week and a half after. The micro-needling and botox took about one more week to fully kick in, but the results were pretty amazing at this point. Once again, sweaty gym hair. Sorry (but not really).

I was feelin’ myself pretty hard three to four weeks post treatment. These photos I had minimal makeup and zero retouching, and I felt AMAZING.

There was nothing wrong with how I looked before, but I feel like my skin is now a better picture of how I feel on the inside. It looks youthful, glowing, and radiant…which is how I feel in my soul! Confidence comes in many forms, and there are a million ways to express it. For me, feeling like the best possible version of myself is huge. Also, with my crazy busy schedule and running around all day everyday, this once or twice a year kind of beauty routine really works for me.

What do you guys think about Botox, injectables, and other minor cosmetic procedures? I know it’s a heated topic and I want to hear your opinions! Also, if you’re interested in trying this out and you’re in Southern California, I highly recommend Drea Hull-Heppner. She hosts private beauty parties as well as just opened Bloom Aesthetics in San Diego (find them on Facebook here ) – Drea is not only a wizard with facials, fillers, and Botox, but she’s also an awesome entrepreneur, a badass working mom of two, and has built her own success story. You’ll definitely love your face after seeing her, but you’ll also want to pick her brain about starting a business, creating a success mindset, and getting empowered.

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