#also a lot of it just felt kinda awk in general tbh i mean it was live

[emberphantom]

 “...That’s another reason why this Soap and Ghost relationship works, right--is that, for whatever reason, y’know--that doesn’t need to be talked abut now...but--Ghost has, well it’s clear that Ghost has a huge amount of respect for Soap, right? And he wouldn’t let anybody--in fact, for anybody else to talk to him the way Soap does would mean a different thing--but they’ve been through a lot together. But what’s great about that moment--and I’m glad you brought it up Neil-- it that [Ghost and Soap] are pushing each other to evolve without even realizing it. And for Soap to say something like that costs something for him. And for Ghost to correct the record and say what he says, that costs something too. And I think, again, that’s why this game is so satisfying is these characters--they’re going to places they’ve not been before. But they help each other get there. And I think that’s a good theme that’s come out from this game is that, you know, they need each other.” 

-Samuel Roukin on Ghost and Soap in MWII (x)

Honestly, one of my favorite parts of that interview from yesterday. Not even from a shipping stand point, but Samuel just like seems to get it when it comes to what makes Ghost and Soap scratch at everyone’s brains and I think that’s awesome. 

[kayliemusing]

43

1. Do you bite or lick ice cream? - Lick

2. What is home to you? - Cozy, safe, a place I always miss when I'm gone

3. What was the last lie you told? - My work asked me if I wanted to pick up a shift on a specific day and I said I had plans oops

4. Does everyone deserve the truth? - I think it depends on the situation. Generally, yes, but I think that sometimes we lie to people or don't tell an entire truth because we don't want to hurt someone or make something worse or hard on someone; we protect them. So I feel like if the truth is going to hurt them worse or not do any good, keep it to yourself. You don't have to lie outrageously, plus I think these kinds of lies aren't really "bad". They're coming from a place of love sometimes and quite literally wanting to shelter someone.

5. What is the creepiest toy ever made? - Furbies!!!!

6. Describe a moment in which you did something unacceptable in a bad situation. - I don't know if I'd call it "unacceptable" or a "bad situation" lol but one time my manager was really getting on my nerves and I rolled my eyes at her. We had a talk later, but yeah, that's really it. I'm not too crazy with the things I do lol. The most you get from me is a bit of an attitude (but only if I'm at my wits end!)

7. List two things that are more easily done than said. (No, I didn't mix them up.) - tbh I can't think of two but the first one that came to mind for me is showing someone you love them (taking care of them, spontaneously buying them something, giving them the last slice of pizza, listening to them chatter excitedly about something their passionate about, etc) because I think it's easier to subtly show little acts of love than to full on say "I love you/I'm in love with you" (especially if we fear rejection).

8. When was the last time you worked really hard to achieve something? - This week actually. I started a creating writing course and it's really motivated me to get my writing done so I completed an assignment as well as I have been vigorously stripping back my story idea and figuring out the main beats. It's the most productive writing-wise I've been in a while I think.

9. How many all nighters have you pulled? - Not too many. My all-nighters haven't been deliberate since a middle school sleepover, they generally happen now if I'm reading a book I can't put down lol

10. If humans didn't evolve to laugh or smile, how would we express our happiness instead? - Gestures, body language or words most likely.

11. How many romantic "things" or "flings" have you had? - Zero (wah wah wah wahhhh sad trombone)

12. What is your paradise? - I have a few!! I think there's a few lol. I'll give you one. My paradise would probably be a cozy december night, christmas only a few days away, I'm writing something I'm super into while sipping a cup of hot chocolate and I'm wearing a beautiful sweater and red lipstick. Anything cozy is my paradise really. (also in this dreamy-paradise I'm making (good) money off of my own writing so I don't have to work a minimum wage job anymore)

13. What is your favorite background noise? (Ex. Water dripping, people talking.) - I love the sound of rain hitting the car or going down a rain gutter. I also love the sound of birds chirping.

14. How many hearts do you think you have broken? - 1

15. What is the most important thing about electronics? What does this say about you? - I think it's good that we have something small and convenient like cellphones to get a hold of people or to call for help if we ever need it. Like I can't imagine being in the past when something serious was happening and they didn't have anyone to call for help.

16. Why do people care about celebrities? Do you care about celebrities? - I think people like the escape that celebrities bring, whether it's to live vicariously through them or to make fun of them lol. The only celebrity I really care about is Taylor Swift. I don't really know much else about any other celebrity.

17. What is the most annoying thing someone can do to you? - Embarrass me or make me feel stupid or undervalued.

18. Do you overexaggerate? What are the pros and cons of this? - I do sometimes, but not excessively. I do more so as a kid. Pro: it makes stories better. Con: you're kinda lying lol

19. Have you played any instruments before? Which instruments? - I tried to learn the guitar but it didn't work out lmao

20. Do you like taking selfies? Why or why not? - I used to. I'm not totally opposed to selfies, but I find that pictures of any kind make me feel worse about myself so I just quit doing it. If my makeup is really nice that day I'll take one and it'll be fine, but generally I just don't like to.

21. List 3 things you like about yourself? - My attention to detail - My deep seated kindness - I'm strong-willed so my beliefs and values never move

22. What is the best advice someone has ever given you? - Taylor Swift baby. "You are not the opinion of someone who doesn't know you or care about you" but I still have yet to let it sink in truly bc I still care oops. Also, writing advice: "Show, Don't Tell" this advice can literally save a writers life.

23. Do you have what it takes to raise a child? Why or why not? - I think I could raise a child, but I don't think I'm ready to. a) I don't have a person to raise a kid with me, b) I think I still have a lot of growing up to do and that's very important when it comes to having a kid.

24. How do you cheer yourself up after a bad day? - i cry, binge, feel sorry for myself, play some TS, and repeat.

25. When was the last time you felt awkward? - I feel awkward about everything. I felt super awkward at the grocery store yesterday bc there were these teenagers at the store in this huge pack and I had to try to get by them but they kept getting in my way and I felt so awks but also annoyed and angry bc I was trying to get stuff done.

26. Are you introverted or extroverted? Or a mixture of both? - Introverted

27. What constitutes a good friend? - Someone who is loyal, a good-listened, has your back, and defends you to the bone. Something that's always bothered me in friendships I've had is not feeling like my friend was on my side. For example, my sister's best friend always makes me laugh because when my sister is wronged by someone, her friend will immediately take her side and defend her to the ends of the earth. I've always hated if someone hurt me that my friend would remain friends with someone who hurt me or was mean to me. (I know as adults it can be a little different and I think it depends on the circumstance, but I just really value that loyalty of having a friend who would just go to the ends of the earth for you).

28. Would you rather have a lot of friends to hang out with or just one best friend? - One best friend.

29. In a regular day, what do you not want to hear? - my managers talking to me

30. What is your dream job? - Best-selling/successful author

31. Is it better to be lazy but smart or hardworking but unintelligent? -Hardworking but intelligent. Being hardworking I think says more to your character. Intelligence isn't the only interesting thing about you and it only takes you so far.

32. What is a truth about yourself that others find hard to believe? - I think probably that I struggle with my self worth because I preach a lot on self love and I'm definitely not a person to settle for less, but I really struggle to love myself or to feel worthy of love. Or that I'm not confident like people think, because I've always gotten that as a compliment, that I'm confident but I never ever feel confident and always feel like I'm less than.

33. What have you always wondered about the other gender? - why

34. Which fantasy world would you like to visit the most? - Not gonna lie, the Court of Thorns and Roses universe so I could see what Velaris looks like. Or Narnia!

35. Describe the worst friend you have ever befriended. - I had a friend in the fifth grade who was obsessed with beauty and being thin so she used to tell me I was fat all the time and when I would go to her house to "hang out" she would make me weigh myself and exercise. Probably the reason I have a low key eating disorder.

36. Imagine that you have switched bodies with someone you don't know. You can't switch back. What do you do? - I don't even know. I feel like I'd just be confused and then I'd probably have a panic attack.

37. If you found the recipe for immortality, would you sell it or would you burn it? - Burn it because someone bad is gonna get their hands on it I just know it

38. What is the most important, applicable class you have ever taken? - I haven't really taken many classes so far except for creative writing but I wouldn't call it "the most important" but it's definitely really bene benefiting me and my writing!

39. Name the last book you read. - I read Ugly Love by Colleen Hoover and it was a waste of ten dollars

40. Imagine that you are unable to express emotion. How would this affect your world? - I feel like it would call for a lot of hurt feelings, but there's other ways to express emotions through gestures and words. I'm a writer so I feel like that's how I would express it to people if I was unable to do it any other way. However if I was unable to express it through words, I'd be in big trouble bc that's kind of a writer's M.O.

41. When was the last time you made the first move? - Neveerrr

42. What is your opinion on electronic music such as dubstep or trap? - h a t e. it's racket, i'm sorry. however they CAN sometimes add something different to a song and make it more fun or different or just pull out a different vibe which I think is cool. I can't listen tho if it's ONLY electronic sounds. it just wears me down until i feel like stabbing my ears with pins.

43. What was the last movie you watched? - Not gonna lie I think it was Halloweentown High a couple weeks ago.

44. Do you like and appreciate your life? - I'm trying to be present and grateful for my life because overall, I feel like there have been this little blessings along the way. I had a good childhood, I had a great dad and I have a wonderful mom, I went to school, I graduated, I've met incredible people, I have a good job that pays well. But I'm still a little unhappy because it doesn't fully look the way I want it to. I'm not totally satisfied yet. So I don't think I fully like it, but I'm trying to.

45. Do you like and appreciate yourself? - No, that's something I really have a hard time accepting.

46. When was the last time you cried? - Yesterday but only got a little teary and I think it was over a tiktok lol. I think I cried a full cry last week but I don't even remember why. It was late at night. I was probably tired.

47. What are you scared of? - Spiders, loss, failure. the fun stuff.

48. What is the most embarrassing, cringe-worthy thing you have ever done? - i can't talk about it

49. What are some of your hobbies? - Reading, writing (obviously), listening to taylor swift music, making lists, scrolling through pinterest/tumblr/instagram, watching youtube.

50. What is a superficial yet annoying mistake you constantly make? - I can't spell occasion or occurrence without autocorrect. Idk if that's superficial or annoying to you but it's annoying to me.

51. Are you a good friend? What makes you a good friend? If not, what makes you a bad friend? - I try to be a good friend but I think there are many areas where I can improve. I think I'm a good friend because I'm deeply loyal and I love deeply. But I think I can be a better listener, less controlling (especially when it comes to things I think they should do vs what they actually do), and I'm really bad at making plans with people.

52. Do you honestly learn from your mistakes? - Yes

53. What have you learned the hard way? - That life is fragile and quick and it's not fair

54. What is the most important thing to have in order to attain happiness? - Contentment

55. Which medium do you use for expressing your artistic emotions? (Singing, writing, etc.) - Writing

56. Are you a creative or a logical thinker? - Creative

57. What is the smartest thing you have ever done? - choosing to stan taylor swift

58. What is your ideal meal? - Just give me a cheeseburger, large free and medium fruitopia from mcdonalds, i'll pretend not to have ibs, and we'll call it a day

59. What is the worst thing someone could do on a date? - talk about their ex or be rude to the wait staff if we're at a restaurant. those would be deal breakers for me.

60. Do you like animals? Which kind is your favorite? - I love hippos, cats, doggos, otters, hedgehogs, turtles, pigs, goats, birds, and raccoons.

61. If you could turn one legal thing illegal, what would it be? - paying minimum wage workers minimum wage. give me 800 bucks an hour for this bs thanks.

62. Do you have any guilty pleasures? - cheesy romance novels and buzzfeed quizzes

63. What is the best thing that the internet has ever created? - youtube. what would i do without tutorials and listening to the game grumps play nonsensical games.

64. Do you like playing video games? Which video games? - I really like choice-based video games like Detroit: Become Human. I also really like something low key like animal crossing where I don't have to think too hard and it's more relaxing than anything else.

65. What is your opinion on beauty in today's society? - Impossible and toxic. you'll never be "right" because it's always changing.

66. Are you a morning person? When do you usually wake up? - Definitely a morning person. I'm usually up between 8 and 9. if I sleep in it's because I didn't sleep well the night before.

67. Do you have a favorite Disney movie? Character? - I think my fav disney movie is Mulan maybe? I'm not too sure on my favourite disney character, I think maybe Prince Naveen from The Princess and The Frog??

68. Would you rather live in the city or in the countryside? - Why can't i have bothhhhh. I've equally wanted to live in a cute apartment in a big city AND on a little farmhouse on a countryside somewhere with a large feel and sunrises that make my heart all achey.

69. Would you rather live near the ocean or in the mountains? - Ocean

70. What are the best things about winter? - Christmastime, cozy sweaters, the crunch of snow under your boots, the pretty lights, coming inside where its arm after shoveling in the cold, hot chocolate, the way the street looks at night with just the streetlights, little snow birds in the trees!! so much so much so much!!!

71. What scares you most about the future? - this is going to sound depressing, but all the loss that waits there. like I know there will be change because everything is always changing and nothing can last forever so the idea of everything being different one day or losing people i love really overwhelms me.

72. What makes you feel old? - GenZ on tik toks making fun of millennials. I'm a "Zillennial" I think because I was born on the cusp of both generations so I relate with both but sometimes they say or do things and I feel like a boomer.

73. How many hours do you spend on the computer or phone on average? -The computer roughly three or four. My phone at least eight or nine hours.

74. What are some of your New Year's resolutions? - Practicing gratefulness and being present

75. What is your life story in 6 words? - What the hell? Well, this sucks.

76. Describe yourself in one word. - Gentle

77. What bad habits do you do? - Nail biting

78. What genre of music do you listen to? - Pop, alternative and worship

79. Most prominent childhood memory? - technically my dad dying - Family vacations to BC I think

80. Imagine if you had an older brother. If you already have one, what is it like? If you don't, how would this change your life? - I feel like my mom would be less stressed with household stuff like mowing the lawn, shoveling, moving furniture, etc. I think it would have been nice to have a brother around, especially after my dad died, but it eeez what it eeeez

81. Spirit animal? - tbh idk

82. Do you believe in horoscopes? - No, but they're fun to read on tumblr

83. What is the worst advice you've ever been given? - I don't think I've ever really had bad advice yet but there's always room for some!

84. List the 3 most important people in your life right now. - My mom, my sister, and my best friend megan

85. Favorite memory of your family. - Any of our family vacations

86. What do you look for in a relationship? - Companionship/Friendship, understanding, similar beliefs, loyalty

87. Do you have a role model? Why or why not? - A few. I really look up to Taylor Swift for obvious reasons because she's a wonderful human and an even better business woman. I look up to my dad because of how much he loved God and was kind to everyone, and I look up to my mom because I admire her strength and how her love grows and grows.

88. What is your opinion on social media? - It's toxic but it's part of our normal life now.

89. Are you a pessimist or an optimist? - A little of both. I think I can be really fatalistic when I'm not doing well, but when I'm in a healthy state I'm fairly optimistic.

90. List some things that you think are overpriced? - Makeup, Skin care, dairy queen combos, shampoo and conditioner.

91. What is your worst memory or creepiest experience? - Worst memory is definitely the one where my dad died.

92. What superpower would ruin the world? - Mind control

93. What is something you swore you would never do when you grew up, but you did anyway? - not go to college immediately. according to eighth grade me, i'm a total disappointment and i should have a full time career by now.

94. What lessons have you learned from movies and which movies were they? - I watched the disney movie Soul and I loved it so much because it was about the main character realizing he was always a musician even if he never made it insanely big. it spoke to me about my writing because I want to be a successful author but I loved the perspective of "you're already a writer"

95. If you could travel anywhere, where would you go? - Montreal, NYC, Edinburgh are on the top of my list right now. If I spoke french I'd be moving to montreal tbh

96. How do you approach people? - I don't

97. What is your opinion on first impressions? - They're deceiving

98. What are some things you did as a child that you no longer do? - play with barbies for one thing

99. What languages can you speak? - English (and a couple words in french lmao)

100. What do you think society will be like in 30 years? - I can't even think that far into the future I'm sorry

101. What do you do on your lazy days? - I'm always having a lazy day, but lay around, don't do my makeup or hair, watch youtube, fret about the future, don't eat proper meals, listen to TS, scroll tumblr and then instagram, snapchat with my bestie.

102. What ended your last relationship? - I haven't been in one

103. Favorite food? - Cheesecake

104. What is the most terrifying dream you've ever had? - I'm not sure this is the scariest but I had dream a few years ago that I was in this dark house and there was a demon in the basement and it was pulling me in and I was trying to get away but I couldn't because it was literally sucking me in. I woke up with my heart racing lol

105. When was the last time you got seriously angry? - A couple weeks ago at one of my sister's friends bc I disagreed with something they did.

106. What was the last friendship you broke? - I ended a friendship with a friend about a year ago now because I just didn't feel connected to her anymore

107. Do you have any pet peeves? - TONS. people who don't like taylor swift, people who drag their feet while they're walking so their shoes make scuffing noises, people who put money on the counter instead of into my hand when i'm reaching for it, and people who treat me or others like they're stupid.

108. Who was the last person you gave a hug to? - it's been a while but my mom

109. When was the last time you got seriously stressed? - yesterday bc I couldn't figure out how to hand in my project

110. What are your favourite baby names? - I love Gracie, Ryder, River, Elowen, Leila, Sadie, Spencer, Tatum, Santiago, and Ronan. (I'm kind of into Wilder too but I don't know how I feel about it lol)

[sanguinesprout]

Therapy/Counselling Diary #11 Final (Plus some tiddly bits of trying oh yeahhh!! ^^)

My hands are so frozen ahhhh it’s so cold uuugh @A@ *sits on hands for 5 hours and loses all feeling in them* wow so heartless my hands are oof-

Hmm... alrighty, this week’s appointment was my laaaast. Feels... idk man. On one hand I feel like some pressure has been lifted but I actually was kinda getting used to going, was getting a little comfy even lol and on the other hand I feel like some more pressure just came and took its place. It feels weird, like everything just shifted into how it was before I went, except now I have the power of... knowledge..?! And a smidgen more bravery I guess... I hope... don’t wimp out already! O^O It’s all on me now!! I have to take the wheel and steer it to victory! *crashes straight into ditch* 

Welp on the day I actually ended up going 1 hour early by accident because I assumed it’d be the same time as the other days but it was 1 hour later than those lolol, it was no big deal, just shopped around a lil with my sis and mum and then went back, aaand on time (unlike what it would’ve been if my app really was 1 hour earlier lol what a relief) hoh!

She came and got me, greeted me and we went up to the room talking about the weather or something small as usual. I didn’t pull out those sheets from last week yet, I was a lil hesitant since I think she was going through some of the other stuff on her desk and I kinda thought maybe I’d filled in some of it wrong or badly, but there’s no such thing..! I actually did all those sheets the same day I wrote the previous post hehe, or well, at least 80% of them and then finished em off the day before the app, yay! No leaving till the very last-ish! :D

She told me similar stuff to last time about how far I’d come since she first met me, she told me I was like a deer in headlights or something along those lines, timid and unsure and so on, but now was able to express myself better and even got better at stuff like making eye contact more. It was nice to receive the praise she gave and to be assured that I had actually improved some ^^ I know my family has been noticing my efforts and the general mood at home has been a little more chipper, it’s feels so much nicer and motivating c:

We went and looked at this goal sheet she filled in for me near the beginning where my goals were things like ‘to be myself around others’ and I rescored them all lower than they were originally, I didn’t lie and make out like I magically improved, I just went with what I felt and it was right and anyways it was definitely better than previous. This sheet is probably just for her record but showed me I had gotten much closer to my goals and could probably reach them so long as I continue trying.

She asked me again what I am planning to do once I am left to my own devices and we discussed the volunteering/getting work experience stuff again and she tried recommending me this site which could possibly be helpful but tbh it really didn’t seem that great and even she kind struggled to navigate to relevant stuff on it. Her field is not in employment and volunteering and stuff though so although the resource wasn’t the best, it was nice to know a little more at least. I was kinda dying a little inside and this took up a big chunk of the session, she advised me to contact this volunteer organisation and set up an appointment, I feel kinda idk iffy about it, I don’t want to avoid but I feel like maybe I’ll check around for other stuff first. I mean she can’t check on me no mores, but I shouldn’t chicken out or forget this advice because it is important.

I uh, I plucked up the courage and whipped out those sheets I did from last week and I read over them to her and she agreed on a lot of the stuff I wrote (things like how am I different, how did I achieve this behaviour/feeling etc.) and I accidentally left one of the things blank but she helped me fill it in and add to a few that I got a lil confused on lol. I was told to keep these sheets for my own reference. There was a sheet on relapse and relapse prevention I filled in also, reading this in future can probably help me clear my head and get back on track along with the other stuff I guess, though I hope I won’t veer off track in the first place you know ^^”

There was this bit where she thanked me, i can’t remember the exact reason or wording but it was probably for attending and for trying and for opening up to her and I also thanked her back and I kept wondering should I offer her a hug or something but I didn’t wanna be awks or overstep any boundaries. She offered me a handshake with both her hands around mine and said something like ‘this is how we do it here’ or something to do with being professional and then I super felt like I shouldn’t bring up the hug thing cause it’ll be too much lol .__. but who knows... Idk I wimped out on it, but it was something silly I guess, though because I didn’t try, I won’t know how it would’ve gone and it’s too late now, oh welp. Anyways she sees and helps so many people, the time period with each person is short, it’s no biggie, no need to get overly personal and attached I guess. I’m just glad that I got across that I was thankful and super appreciative of her help and that’s enough.

Instead in my efforts to sort of redeem my courage, I thought I’d ask her why she became a mental health nurse even though I was afraid that I might sound nosey, but I was genuinely curious and was assuming it would be something nice and motivational and so I went ahead and asked. She explained her mother was also one and she was always around and felt she wanted to help people too and so she did or something along those lines. I kind of knew it would be something like this, but it is nice to hear and heartwarming all the same. Conversation goes two ways of course too, it was good practice to try and ask things about others. 

There was a time in the past where I wanted to be a counsellor (or special learning tutor), my motivation was to help people like myself, so they wouldn’t have to struggle or feel the way I do. As you can tell, I didn’t get there, but it’s okay, because goals change and motivations change, there still some time to go and aim for new and maybe some other past goals too!

I met back up with my sis and mum and I was a lil sulky cause I didn’t get to go to this shop I was planning to go to lol but I was dying of hunger so going home and eating before I passed out was the ideal option anyways. I actually went back out again with my sister some time later that day and went to the shop I wanted to go and some others and went to the supermarket too ^^ 

Oh, this was after I went to my regular docs app where the doc was super super nice as always and he prescribed a super low low dosage of an anti-depressant as advised by the neurology specialist I saw last time. I’ve only taken it a few days so I am unsure about it’s effect or well, it’s probably too early to say much about it, but I think it does help somewhat? I feel less pained in my head when I wake up, though this could also be because I’ve been drinking water when I awaken too, you know, dehydration causes headaches. I feel pretty foggy rn though @^@ Probably just my oversleeping though. I’m glad I take it at night so even if it does make me feel sleepy, it doesn’t matter lol. Haha oh yeah, that new habit app I have been kinda using, I keep forgetting to check it and tick off the things I’ve done lol >_<”

Whoa my memory is so bad, idk if I should write some more of this week’s stuff of to leave it to next week, or will I have forgotten it then hmm... I’ll just write it briefly I guess. There were lots of times where I had things I needed to sort out but kinda just delayed them but the past few days I just went ahead and emailed and phoned and live chatted and got them almost all sorted out. I got a lil confused at times, but just tried my best with writing and asking things and it went fine. If you don’t try you don’t know, nothing ventured nothing gained! Oh and I baked a bit more stuff too! Omnomnom! :3

There’s still a lot of things I have to sort out and I’m feeling all sorts of stressed and frustrated about it, but I’ll get there, I can do it! Calmly collect your thoughts but don’t overthink, just go go go! No matter what the outcome is, you tried and you learned something new! Okay, Imma go do the stuff!

Have a great evening! Try your best! Oh, and awkward hugs for everybody haha! C:

[thewhimsicalfairy]

DAY 0 - a chronological documentation of this non-relationship

right from the start, i told myself, i told everyone who would listen/knew that i was just not gonna take this too seriously...

as with all online dates, they have a tendency to drop off or i have a tendency to lose interest very quickly but somehow you stuck around, yet i still refused to entertain the idea that there might be something...

2 May: we connected on CMB, you were very open about your history which i listened with an open mind and appreciated you for being open and honest about it...

we traded numbers since the chat was closing and then continued chatting from there...

22 May: met up ftf for the first time at Oasia Hotel's Marmalade Pantry, someone was in grey tee (knitted i believe) and camou pants haha the convo flowed and all but still it was just like any other first dates i've been on, always keeping my expectations in check... you surprised me with sandwich choices though, promising to bring me a jar of the infamous peanut butter from Amsterdam (from your upcoming work trip) and proceeding to hand me a box of 2 nicely wrapped sandwiches, one creamy and one non-creamy version, both with the crusts off. it showed me you were meticulous and caring...just noting your good qualities... before we parted ways you asked if we could be in touch...i said sure being the cool girl that i am...

1 June: we continued texting non-stop, rapid-fire style, playing 20 questions...asking all the right and wrong questions...we’d already escalated to sexting by then...and then you left for Amsterdam. truth be told i had this crazy urge to run to your office area to bid you farewell prior to you leaving for your trip...like give you a hug or something...but i reined in that crazy bitch. we continued texting all the way till you boarded your plane and then you asked me to send you my picture. i've received such crazy requests before and i was kinda wary but i took some anyhow (ok more like a lot) and then proceeded to ponder whether to send or not for the next 50min or so...as well as ask the Internet gods 'what does it mean when he asks for a photo' (to varying degrees of responses) you even noticed my absence when i was busy taking photos but i sent 1 in the end after i confirmed that u were not gonna be doing anything funny to it (not sure if i’m supposed to be flattered if anyone wanks off to my photo but anyway)

and then you sent me yours just like that (and it is still my favourite photo of you to date haha)...and promised to text the moment you land and all...you were very responsible with your words then...

1-7 June: you were in Amsterdam for work but it was as if i was just right beside you on this same trip cos the texting never let up despite the time difference. you would send me pictures of everything that you were doing, eating, ootds, everything and there was no stopping the conversations... and still you reeled me in...

13 June: we met up for a 2nd time, this time at Pagi Sore (100am) and depsite constant texting, it felt a little awks nonetheless to be meeting ftf after so long so everyone was still kinda on our best behaviour haha (but i'm always well behaved) and you presented me with the gifts you got for me at Amsterdam (the peanut butter as promised) and fancy chocolates that you picked up at the airport. confirmed mentally that gift giving was defo one of your top love language. and still you reeled me in...

and we texted some more, non-stop, impromptu lunches in between and i'd happily skip out of office just to hang out ditching the girls (resulting in the girls just saying how about i let them know when i would be next joining them for lunch =x)

20 June: dinner and drinks at Westin's Cook & Brew...this was kinda like the night you will provide a tell-all on your past relationships - and tell you did (a terribly colourful dating history if i may add) and the night went on... we continued on with more drinks at the outdoor bar area...normally it would've been a good idea but that night it was terribly windy and i was kinda chilly despite the alcohol warming me up so i was glad to have my jacket with me (the same one i wore to our first date you noted). and then it started to rain and we had to move back indoors but we didn't attempt to leave even though i was already feeling buzzed... not before long the bar had to close so i had to down my wine in a quick shot and we left...and took a roundabout walk to around the area on a bench and talked some more we both agreed the night would have carried on if not for the fact that tomorrow was still a working day... the question of what we were looking for came up (i asked this question first) and you said you were just looking around... we got home on separate taxis and i made a mental note of your response and that you hadn't made a move on me yet so i was relatively clear on where i stood on this (meh's advice, especially after watching 'He's Just Not That Into You') - you were basically not interested hah so i managed my expectations and thought well a least it has been interesting...when we got home...you did text to say you did notice my choice of outfit (my all time favourite slip dress really)...pity you didn’t manage to take a good look at the cowl back...

29 June: you finally asked me out on a weekend...actually i did casually mention to you that my mom was wondering why this guy i was seeing never asks me out on weekends...and if he’s got a family and all that’s why weekends are off-limits...(a mother’s intuition can be so spot-on but clearly it’s way more complicated than that...anyhow...) and i was ecstatic to say the least even if it was a date that was made that same day...tbh i was inclined to decline cos i don’t really do impromptu dates in general...(like please respect a girl’s time even if i don’t actually have solid plans...vegging at home and netflixing is kinda like a plan ok...)but i okayed it and just had to check what was the general plan cos a girl’s gotta dress for it you know...you brought me to the Ford Musuem having known that i am a sucker for museums covering the history of the war...even though you actually only went recently but you still accompanied me through it...it was also then you realised that i don’t carry my IC with me cos entry was free for SGreans...truth be told i have been to the Ford Musuem...but that was a few years back and i didn’t quite mind rehashing the place again (FOC why not right) they might have updated the exhibits and the experience would have been different with you...and rightly so cos there was so many times when you had your back towards me i wanted to give you a back hug...that you liked receiving them came up several times while we texting...but i never acted on it haha cos i didn’t want to seem i was throwing myself at you...a girl’s gotta to keep her pride in check you know...

after Ford you drove us to Punggol area just to show me the nice relaxing eating space...but we didn’t actually have dinner there lol...we moved on to Punggol Settlement to dine at White Restaurant...the only place you will eat bee hoon cos that placed is famous for it and with good reason cos the food is genuinely good...we had quite the spread, other than the bee hoon we had prawn paste chicken and sambal kang kong :))) happy camper that night cos i appreciate a good meal...i paid for dinner since you were so sweet to drive us around that was least i could do...back in the car you asked if i needed to head home...but i was up for anything...so you suggested a drive and asked if i had been to Jewel since it opened and i hadn’t so we ended up there...

and we continued texting...

1 July: we met for lunch at the Nasi Lemak place opposite Realty Centre (which has since died) and post-lunch i was saying how i was concerned that my hair would smell and all (cos indoor seating with the food cooking inside doesn't make for a great combination) and you reached out and smelt my hair...that was the single most intimate move that i'd ever received and then before we parted you pulled me into a hug and i just went for it... like i didn't do the a-hug or half hug kind of bullshit but a full on body to body contact hug...and it felt nice...i think my mind kinda stopped processing whilst we were hugging but yeah i really really liked the smell of your cologne since then another fact: i was so turned on from that hug my panties were basically soaked; i had to wear my dress the wrong way round so that it wouldn't look like i stained myself... you had that kind of an effect on me...and i think my walls came tumbling down...

4 July: dinner at a Suntec's Unagi place (your choice since we didn't want to deal with the queue at Man Man) and apparently you took off early that night to pick up your car... someone wanted to drive us to some place nice after... i saw that there was 1-for-1 happy hour on the highball and you okayed it even though you were driving

you drove us Marina Barrage and there you said that you liked me and wrapped me in your arms when you said it and i was in a complete daze i mean i was aware that there was something brewing but i wasn't sure of the signs and i've been very wary about 自作多情 so i just maintained whatever it was we had and then this confession...you said i clearly liked you otherwise i wouldn't be hanging out with you which was true and then you asked what was it that i liked about you as you wrapped me in your arms again and i was genuinely at a loss for words...i've received confessions before but never one where it was clearly mutual and in such an intimate setting...the wordsmith basically decided to quit on me and i struggled to find the right words i settled for ‘you make me feel safe’ and that was the absolute truth...i never doubted your intentions before as you were always so honest and forthcoming with the situation back at home and even when you said you couldn’t make this official not until your divorce is finalised in Dec...when in reality not many people around you know about us i accepted it...i trusted you completely... and you took your hand in mine and it was the interlocking kind...and my heart felt all kinds of things it has never felt before... another fact: again super turned on by the hug we shared, panties were soaking wet again but thank god for panty liners otherwise it'll be a different walk of shame for me... i really liked it when you placed your hand on my bum (it felt good somehow), and i definitely felt a boner somewhere...

5 July: dinner and movie (...) i was kinda sad when the night ended, i didn't want it to end cos i always enjoyed our time together, there wasn't enough time anyhow and i gave you a peck on the cheek cos that was all i could muster at that point before we parted...

(...to be continued...)

basically once the touch barrier was broken, i wanted to touch you so badly all the time. literally ALL.THE.TIME. even if it was just stolen moments at Donki i gave you backhugs and random kisses and hand holding...i couldn't get enough... i confirmed one of my top love languages was touch and i wanted to communicate that thoroughly...you meant that much to me...

x x x

and as much as you are wont to admit it, i was defo a rebound, all the signs pointed to it and and it still tears me up inside i basically became collateral damage as you tried to seek solace from the pain... the Heartbreak Spotify Playlist is definitely not helping my case but it’s like beating a dead horse right...you just keep going at it until you’re numb i suppose...but i had no idea how i could relate so much to these songs till now it’s pretty crazy...some favourite tracks that can set me off right now are: Camila Cabelo’s Consequences X Ambassadors’ Unsteady Birdy’s Skinny Love

[sanguinesprout]

Therapy/Counselling Diary #9 (and some silly but blah but good bits)

Weeeeeelp. As usual this session was uhhhh... *blank blank* I literally blank loads while in the actual session and feel like I totally have to wing my responses every single time in a slight panic (probably cause I’m not used to getting up early and am lacking sleep, also because I’m just really slow in general hahaha ugh). I’m still dying of lack of sleep idk if I can write right now so imma write out some real quick notes to go off and help jog my memory later before I forget anymores. Phew, wracked my brains all I can, time to go laze around and zzzzz... Okay slept some and shopped some and slept some more, time to write! Just get the main things down hoo!

About last weeks attempts at helping at front of shop, I kinda just observed instead, at first kinda just sat and shrank down out of view and no one really said anything to me, though I’m sure they noticed me lol. I managed to make a short convo with one customer with some general small talk stuff like the weather, where you work and stuff (yay?!) and then totally blanked so hard and welp, awkward silence (not yay!). I’m glad I tried and even my dad was impressed because usually I try so hard to avoid being seen by any customers and just don’t talk much to anyone. Felt kinda good but I got scared a bit and didn’t try that much afterwards, boo.

On another day I stood around eating fruit and helping set up stuff on my mum’s phone and said hello and bye to some customers which felt much more sort of natural in a way. Like because I was already doing something and not just sitting waiting and doing absolutely nothing else but looking awks as hell and stuff, so the conversation (or greeting in this case) was just the secondary focus. But... maybe people felt less inclined to talk to me properly because they can see I’m slightly occupied, that’s kind of bad sigh... I mean I’m glad I tried more than once, though I know I could’ve tried much much harder but I guess that’s what this week is about *wails and flails*

The counsellor said that it’s fine that conversation fades out, it’s natural and the customer only spends so long in the shop waiting for their order and has to go anyways. Also the more you try, the more you’ll ask and get to know about the customer (especially regulars), the general small talk might become more personal and specific over time and your knowledge base of general conversational content will grow. You could even lighten up things with small playful jokes and compliments. Like with everything, I always forget you have to start somewhere, start out small, baby steps and the like.

When I told her some customers knew me, as they had seen me when I was little (yeah, wow, it was so nice being young and not so afraid of people then or afraid of being recognised I guess *cry*) but I felt awkward as I don’t know them, she said to note that they said it in a positive way and take it as a compliment that they actually remember you and to reply you could just say thank you or even joke it up a little. Wow, it’s easy to miss nice things when you’re all fogged up with worry. Most people don’t remember a lot from when they’re little anyways too so I shouldn’t feel bad about it. I usually just kind of do that little smiley laugh but the powers of awk are always by my side, my faithful sidekick that helps me do my ultimate awk situation special move um, yay. 

I gotta let myself know that it’s okay, not to overthink and such as always. I did alright, I did good and I should use this to motivate me to try even more. Easier said then done huff, as usual I feel time and opportunity is slipping away so quickly. She noted that we only have 2 sessions left (that makes 11 in total haha how strange, I guess the first one kind of didn’t count maybe) so I really need to get stuff done so that when I am done seeing her and am left to my own devices, I’ll actually know what to do and won’t just stop trying and fall into the same slump as before. 

When you try, not a moment is wasted because you are doing and you are learning, but if you don’t try then nothing is learned and then it’s wasteful. Oh! ‘Nothing ventured, nothing gained’ hah! As with all quotes I happen to remember, I hope I’m using it right lol. I’m gonna try commit it to memory some more along with the rest of the stuff I sometime think to motivate myself, my derpy mantras that I also often forget lolol.

I also talked about how I went out shopping even more lately, that I was getting even less conscious of others and the irrational thoughts in that kind of setting. Repeated doing of something it always makes it easier, ‘it begins to feel like second nature’ is the phrase she used. I still feel uncomfortable at times and worry a lot when out but it’s true, if you just go and get on with what you’re doing, your focus is on that and everything else fades into the background where it should be.

She noticed I had a bag of some stuff I wanted to return to a shop and she asked how I was going to go about it. I said I was unsure if I wanted to return it even though it was not right for me, because I felt I hassled the shop keeper a lot, and felt bad about it. But the thing is, the thing isn’t right for me so there is no point in me keeping it, the shopkeeper is fine with me returning it, ‘no obligations’ is even what he said (lol), they’re professional, their feelings wouldn’t be hurt, and that’s why I decided to return it. 

In more hypothetical-ness I kind of said that I would say something like ‘the thing just isn’t for me, maybe I’ll come back another time/look at something else’ or w/e or maybe she asked what I would do in that situation if they wanted to be more salesperson-y and she asked is that really what I wanted and I was like ‘tbh no, I don’t want to look at anymore of their stuff, I want to go elsewhere and look’ and she was telling me to ‘stick to my guns’ and ‘be adamant on your first choice’ kind of thing and she’s right, there’s no point in me lying because I feel bad about it, they have plenty of other customers too and probably lots of them return things, it’s no big deal. There was some talk about customer rights and watching and learning how they handle things being useful to my own retail skill pursuits too.

When I actually actually went and returned the stuff (it’s shoes btw and they were uncomfortable, I keep beating around the bush about specifics again why why why? .__. ugh) the shopkeeper was totally chill, he has been every time I went to the shop and the refund was done super quick, no hurt feelings (lol seriously I don’t even know why I think like this, but even my mum was saying it feels bad with all the hassle, but I’m glad I didn’t let her words sway my decision) and he was still super friendly and reassuring (’oh no no, it’s fine, don’t worry about it’ c:). Tbh I already knew everything was going to be okay, it’s my sucky mind as always (and it’s just that sometimes diff employees were there instead of him and they were much less friendly and helpful, I was glad they weren’t serving that day lol, I hope that doesn’t sound too mean ack ><)

She talked a little about how irrational thoughts are totally normal and that everyone has them, it’s just that different people handle them differently and some people can become trapped in them while others don’t let them have their way so easily or at all. Also she asked about how much progress I think I’ve made and I said something lame I forgot and she said that she thinks I’ve done great and where I am now and how I am now is much different to how I was when she first saw me. She praised me a little more and told me I undermine myself a lot. I do see it too, I have been trying even though at times I felt it didn’t go right or wasn’t enough, but I have learned things and I have changed somewhat. Understanding yourself and your thoughts, it definitely  helps getting past them and challenging them a little easier.

For next week she wants me to write down a recap of everything I’ve learned so far eek..! Writing down stuff irl is so hard for me, all the writing I’ve done irl so far feels really half assed and bleh because feelings and stuff and ahhhh... I need to get over it, just do it! I also have a sheet similar to the thoughts and emotions sheet but a with more detailed columns that I have to fill in (the columns are like: situation, feelings, thoughts, evidence supporting thoughts, evidence against, actual facts and you score how much you felt it was going to be and how much it actually turns out being). I have a chance to redo the small amount of last minute scrawl I did on last week’s one, I’m nervous gdi, maybe I should write this situation as the first thing... not really... or should I? >< I really need to get out of the habit of putting off and leaving things last minute @x@

Also another main main thing I need to do is to help out in the shop for reals this time, like physically doing stuff and getting much more involved with chatting. Imma dieeeee.... no no, I’ll be okay, I gotta do it! I mean, I can do it! The first few steps are always the hardest, just try your best, go for it, yolo! ^^” I hope I’ll have enough to talk about and write about next time, c’mon hoo!

In non therapy related stuff, I spent some time with my sis and her bf. Went to a big shopping centre semi-unplanned, unfortunately on a day where I was super ill (like gut cramping run to the toilet and die there for like half an hour ill) but I got past that and it was pretty good! I felt like a total burden, at times I felt self-conscious as usual, but nowhere near the amount I would have some while before or the amount I thought I would if I didn’t go. Ohh! Damn, maybe I should write this on that sheet lol this is a prime example of proving myself/my thoughts wrong. 

I felt kind of brave that day, going out when usually I would have avoided it, I mean I actually had a reason to, but I didn’t let it or a lot of my bad feelings get in the way and the experience was useful and nice and something I’d really been wanting. I saw some nice things and took photos of some nice things too, I even found some shoes that were comfy but didn’t buy them... but there’s always next time! I’m definitely going again! Shopping is fun! Taking photos is fun! (even though I missed a few opportunities, but next time imma get em!) ^^ If only I wasn’t poor... but that’s what jobs are for and that’s my goal! All the more reason to be motivated about it >:D Somehow this doesn’t sound to good, but uh, whatever works! xD

I also went to my sis’ house and the supermarket some as an unplanned evening trip and did a little crafty stuff. I’m still working on the same project since a while back but like with everything else I’m learning as I go, baby steps some more! ^^ I still have to go to the post office again, I kinda avoided going today but imma do it all on my own again tomorrow. I also emailed some sellers online and asked about some products I was interested in. Sounds lame but I was chickening out on doing so for a long time, it turned out fine, was my silly thoughts and anxieties acting up. Phoned to ask about some post related stuff too (I can’t remember if I wrote this in the last post lol). I was trying to find a way to email to avoid phoning but there was no such thing and I thought, well just stop messing around and just do itttt! It was fine, I mean I awked a lot but at least I got my answer! I did it yay! More examples of doing and disproving my own idiocy! XD

Hmm.. hmmm this post, is it finished? LOL. I only wrote very few notes, but I’m glad I did because it helped me write and recall stuff. I’m a little sad I didn’t use food emojis and a bullet pointy style like last time haha. Ahhh ack! a scary sound just came from the wall wtf wtf wtf?! My heart just leapt out ahhh ;_____; I think I’ll go hide now... x^x No no, need to go do some useful stuff! 

When I started this post I kept thinking of it as a chore and kind if wanted to skip out on it, but I did it yay! (Per usual lol) I collected up all that useful and motivational stuff and now I’m pumped! Man I’m so nauseous and I think my writing came out real ditsy again and feel like I wanna edit it to hell but at the same time I cba and want to do other stuff like artsy things that I’ve also been putting off like hell, I seriously have the energy and motivation of a rock most of the time. W/e there’s no need to fuss over the post, it’s fine (I hope lol) and it’s okay to have some down time when needed. There’s no time like the present! Time to go do stuff!

Have a noice evening! Go go! ^^