#also do you like the cover i made it myself it sucked my soul out of my body and crushed it

[whumpitisthen]

HELLO I HAVE A BOOK NOW

i have been working on this thing for about 9 months and its finally done! it is an anthology consisting of most of my one-shots I've already posted PLUS some that i never posted :3 it is 427 pages of whumpy goodness, full of sad little whumpees and bastard little whumpers

I thought it would be an easy enough first work, just to try it out, but also special still, as it contains the first two years of my writing career in a way (though i can't really call it a career just yet i think) available for people to buy and for it to exist in a physical form! isnt that cool!!

It's available HERE, it would mean so much to me if people checked it out :D its been a huge goal for me to release a book for a long time and im so happy it finally happened....

i am so happy i am having a moment

And to those who don't know me, feel free to check out my MASTERLIST, to have a taste of my own flavour of suffering enacted upon helpless little characters. If you like creepy/intimate whumpers, pet whump, captive whump, power dynamics, messed up relationships, no nsfw whump, a little gore, sadness and misery, i can guarantee you will like them :3

If you see any problems pls tell me i have never done this before obviously so let me know

[lacryem]

— A surprisingly long and in depth look about symbolism in the recent G-Fantasy cover by Yana Toboso ✦

Including references, flower language, how to decode the meaning of flowers, and a little too much brainrot. As well my personal interpretation drawn from all the sources I looked at. And of course what all of means (and maybe hints at?) for Sebastian and Ciel… and maybe even Sebaciel? 

Originally posted as a twitter thread, but threads suck and I forgot a couple things. so here now.

Disclaimer :

I don’t know FOR SURE that all these things were directly referenced by Yana when creating this art. But being a fan of her work for over a decade I've become familiar with her use of symbolism and reference, and believe myself to have a good eye for it at this point!   I'm also pretty familiar with the use of flower language, including different languages, due to having been involved in a project about it and having to read wayyy too much about this. 

Some of it also includes my own personal interpretation, but the meanings and info I based myself off of ARE factual. I think I made it pretty clear when referencing my personal interpretation. You're welcome to reach your own interpretation based off of the stuff provided!

And lastly, I'm not a sebaciel shipper. I'm not an anti (the complete opposite, actually) and have nothing against the ship, I like the narrative around them and how they're written but I don’t actively ship them romantically or sexually. So I'd say this is actually a pretty unbiased interpretation. Personal taste is one thing, but I don’t deny the author's intention and whats written in front of me! That is what this post is about.

Kuroshitsuji takes place in the Victorian period (1837~1901) in 1889.

The following are both important Victorian books on the language of flowers that I will be basing myself off of.

Language of Flowers by Greenaway Kate (1884), and The Language of flowers: An Alphabet of Floral Emblems (1857).

(Also, I’m treating Ciel’s rose as a deep red rose. Which is a bit different than red roses. But I am adding some relevant information about roses in general, anyway.

Now, on what they say about these flowers.

Deep rose, meaning "bashful shame". White lily, meaning "Purity and sweetness."

— The White Lily

Most people assume that the lily refers to Ciel's purity, and that’s a fair assumption. But I disagree. 

Firstly, the one holding the lily is Sebastian. Holding it on his right hand, tilted towards the right. However what's relevant here is the VIEWER. From the viewer's POV he's holding it to the left. Note he also holds the scissors on his left hand, where he bears HIS contract seal.

How you hold a flower, what position you give it to someone in, changes the meaning of the flower. These context clues are very important. It tells us that 'purity and sweetness' doesn’t refer to Ciel, but actually refers to Sebastian (…sorta).

This may be a little confusing. Purity and sweetness, Sebastian?! I know, I know. bear with me.

These books provide poems to help us understand how you may interpret the intended meaning. The lily poem is about enduring trials out of love because of the purity and sweetness he sees in his lover's eyes and soul. I believe Yana directly references the poems I will include in this post in her new artwork.

— My Interpretation

the meaning of Sebastian's lily is:

"I do all out of love for the sweetness and purity within you."

Him holding it to the contact seal and cutting the flower could stand for him destroying this sentiment (affection within himself) that has arisen in him as a result of their contract by destroying the sweetness and purity—the source of it—within Ciel (consuming his soul).

Note: This is debatable, as 'reversed' almost always means upside down. But if you consider the lily facing away from the viewer as reversed then it could mean "impurity and bitterness" which fits pretty well with Ciel, and it being held against the contract seal which is a physical representation of his impurity, brought on by his bitterness.

— The Deep Red Rose

There something I find very interesting. The rose is in a teacup, standing in for tea (I think there's even tea alongside it in the cup.) From Yana herself we know that Sebastian's eyes are a reference to the reddish brown colour of tea.

Like I said, I believe this rose to be a deep red rose, which is a bit more specific than the meaning given to red roses. However I think the poem included for roses in general very much applies here.

I was going to add my thoughts but I found this interpretation that sums it up pretty well if you replace the carpe diem theme with a more "running out of time" or "impending death" theme, which seems to be a more accurate reading for this artwork.

Looking at the rose itself, it has no thorns or leaves.

It is not a youthful rose as its already fully open and losing petals. "No hope, and no fear" fits with the poem, the rose is basically an hourglass referring to Ciel. His fate is unavoidable, but this isn't a deterrent. He's dancing on the ledge.

The deep red rose means 'bashful shame'.

When you compare it to the lily, which is a direct proclamation, the deep red rose is a quiet confession one cannot verbalize.

Debatable, to be fair but given the tie in to Sebastian's eye colour and the fact that he is always the one pouring tea for Ciel, I believe the Sebastian to be the speaker here too, but this time speaking on Ciel's feelings (Hence why he's the one holding it) rather than Sebastian's own. 

— My Interpretation

The meaning of the deep red rose Ciel holds, speaking about Ciel's feelings of guardedness, and in response saying:

"Abandon your bashful shame, and let yourself be admired without expectations (hope) or fear"

Sebastian speaks about Ciel's feelings, the deep red rose acknowledges his feelings but they remain unspoken.

The Waller poem is a plead for his beloved to seize the day, for time is short, and allow herself to be loved completely. 

Her beauty is one to be appreciated, she is not meant to be a rose unacknowledged (unloved) in the desert.

Regarding 'expectations', I think this is more about rigid ideas of how 'appreciation' or 'admiration, might be shown or received. Sebastian and Ciel's relationship defies normality or 'expectations'. So this, too, would defy expectations a young boy like Ciel, or a traumatised boy like Ciel, may have.

From Yana herself, we know Sebastian's dedication and how highly he holds 'beauty', specifically Ciel's beauty.

The author of the poem proclaims that beauty not appreciated is not beautiful indeeed, and so he calls his beloved to come to him and be appreciated wholly during the invaluable, limited time they have.

We see the deep red rose's petals fall away, in my opinion not only symbolising the withering away of time, but also the crumbling away of this "bashful shame" that Sebastian ascribes to Ciel.

How Sebastian wishes to "appreciate" this beauty is debatable. How he wants to "admire" and "desire" (per the poem) Ciel is rather open ended. Wether it be in a romantic way, a sexual way or by consuming his soul.

However, I don’t think these are mutually exclusive. And consuming Ciel can easily be a metaphor for the former two. 

— The Lily and The Rose

The Greeneaway book has this poem which im sure was directly referenced. This poem speaks about the lily and the rose in a direct power struggle and fight for dominance, until they eventually unite and reign as one.

Now when speaking about this "union", you could say it refers to their contract, but I don’t think so.

The contract ties them to each other, but it doesn’t necessarily unite them. So I believe 'unity' to be about the appreciation Sebastian speaks of Ciel opening up to. 

"The Lily" and "The Rose" might be interpreted as directly representing Sebastian and Ciel, and the unity that would come from them joining and becoming a truly complimentary pair. I think a power struggle and fight for being the one in control is very accurate way to describe their current dynamic in canon.

It may also be interpreted as "The Lily" and "The Rose" as being representations of their feelings and ideals previously. And then it would represent these two conflicting expressions—a loud  unrelenting and destructive devotion, and a guarded, bashful, unspoken reluctance— coming together and turning from conflicting to complimentary. 

Or as it tends to be with these things, both!

Either way all of this is expressed under the sense of impending doom created by their circumstances and the contract. So there's a sense of urgency permeating all of it.

Also clear to me is a sense of internal conflictedness coming from Sebastian's message that is usually only hinted at like this, and some people end up overlooking.

Sebastian desires Ciel deeply, but having him would also mean not being able to have him anymore.

Sebastian is torn and that’s why he attempts to cut the root of his wavering feelings represented by the lily. 

All of this makes me wonder about what's next, and if we will see these things said more blatantly. Foreshadowing with flower language and references like this, isn't exactly rare for Yana. I wonder if we will see this 'unity' come to be, and what necessary development Sebastian and Ciel will need to undergo to make it possible. As well as what shape it will take.

I also wonder very much about Ciel's perspective in all of this, as this was almost entirely from Sebastian's POV, but I think that's intentional. Ciel has his own goals and a lot on his mind. Sebastian's goal IS Ciel. So I assume he spends a lot more time thinking about Ciel and this kind of thing.

Thank you if you read the whole way through. Like I said before, even though the sources defending it are, my interpretation is not law and you're welcome to reach your own with the things presented.

Links for sources, including free public domain PDFs of the books mentioned are found at the end of my twitter thread.

— Thanks for reading! —

[coldresolve]

Hi, I'm Elias, I'm a 26yo trans guy from Denmark. I write shit, I draw shit, and I get into unneccesarily tedious arguments with anons about torture apologia in fiction. I think that sums up my vibe

I've made a few posts about this already, but tl;dr: the Danish NHS has been refusing to treat me for gender dysphoria for the better part of a year now because they've deemed me "unstable." Unstable how, you ask?

I have depression.

No, that is quite literally it. Full context under the readmore.

Fighting to be heard and having the door repeatedly slammed in your face sucks peak ass, and I'm done now. The NHS is so lackluster when it comes to trans people, all of a sudden, it makes perfect sense to me why 31% of transgender Danes get HRT outside of the NHS.

And I'd rather not have to turn to the black market, so rn I'm hoping to get a prescription with GenderGP. The issue is, I'm poor as fuck and can't afford the start-up fees for the forseeable future - unless I do something like this. I hate asking others for money, and I hate it even more if I'm not in a place where I can give anything in return. But I also recognize I'm in over my head with this, so. If you've got a cent or two to spare, I'd be grateful as hell.

I've mathed it out, and my best estimate is that I need around 3500,- DKK / $500 USD. Again, this is just to cover the initial subscription as well as mandatory consultations/blood tests. I should be able to cover the prescriptions on my own, as well as further tests/consultations down the line, so I'm hoping this is a one-and-done sort of thing.

paypal: elimunpau@gmail.com

Also, important note. We're in a global cost of living/housing crisis and this isn't a strict life-or-death situation. If you're in a tough spot right now, don't send me anything, that'd just make me feel worse about asking. I appreciate the thought but you gotta take care of your own needs first. Peace and take care ✌️

So I've been dealing with major depressive disorder since I was 11. It runs in my family, and as you might imagine, after 15 years of living with this thing, I've learned how to manage it pretty well by now. I know what it's like to genuinely be unstable - and if I were in a place like that, no problem, I'd be open about that. I wouldn't be making decisions like this. I know myself. You kind of have to when you're dealing with a chronic mental illness.

Here's where I am right now: I've got no suicidal ideation, been clean from self harm for four years, no psychosis, no inpatient admissions for the last five years. I live on my own, take my meds, and I'm keeping my life in order. Depressed, yes, but about as stable as someone with my history can get, and ask anyone who knows me, me wanting to get on HRT isn't some spur of the moment decision. I've done a fucking decade of soul searching, and a few years ago, I finally (duh) reached the conclusion that living as a woman isn't something I can even fake being content with - believe me, I've tried. I'm well aware of the scope of medical transition, but I'm settled in who I am. And I just want to live like me now. That's the only thing I want.

If it counts for anything, my partner and family have supported me through this, which has been priceless obviously, but it also goes to show that me saying "I'm capable of making medical decisions" isn't purely a personal assessment. I'm pretty sure they'd speak up if they thought I was being unstable about it or whatever

But the CPH clinic for sexology, who have consistently refused to listen to me telling them all this, have somehow magically aquired divine knowledge on my capacity to make adult decisions about my own body, and on the basis that I have MDD, they're refusing to even set me up for a preliminary interview - one that would preceed a 6 month full-team psych evaluation before the prospect of HRT would even come up. They said in their latest refusal that they wont accept another referral from me until a year after my last in-clinic conversation with them, which happened on October 24th, 2023 - meaning that with the NHS, if they accepted my referral come October (which I don't have much faith they will), the earliest I could possibly get on HRT is April 2025. Arguing for my own sanity would've sucked enough as is, but it's made harder by the fact that they won't even talk to me. You're a trans guy who would like healthcare, but you have a mental illness? Good luck, you're on your own. Long live the Danish bureaucracy.

Dysphoria makes me fucking miserable. I'd rather not have to write a sob story here, and tumblr is like 80% trans people so I guess a good portion of you can imagine why waiting another year for the possibility of maybe-perhaps-if-all-goes-well getting on HRT would not actually make me less miserable about it.

So. I'm sitting down next week along with my mom to file a formal complaint with the patient's rights committee. I don't know what to call this other than some form of discrimination on the basis of mental illness, because nothing in my current situation would prohibit me from making medical decisions for myself. And I honestly don't think that a complaint is going to do much, but I intend to make it obnoxiously long, because by law, a specialized doctor and an attorney have to read through the whole thing. If you can't beat 'em, make 'em read 50 pages of you going into detail about why you think they suck, right

And yeah, like I said, in the meantime, I'm trying to go via GenderGP. It'd be nice if my poor ass could get HRT via the NHS instead of having to pay out of pocket, but apparently the bar for entry requires that you 1) have gender dysphoria to the point where it impedes normal function and 2) somehow aren't mentally ill. Who wrote these rules? Some 60yo cis guy in a suit in Christiansborg, I imagine.

Feel free ask about anything relating to this whole situation, I'll be as open as I can about it, cause I understand that if you're going to give money to someone, you want to know what it's going to. Though I hope you understand I'm not going to doxx myself more than I already have now, or give you my entire medical history - only what's relevant to my current situation.

I know Denmark is a welfare state and on a global scale we're doing alright, but I hope you don't mind if I say this: This shouldn't be happening as often as it does. Fuck the Danish NHS.

[raven-at-the-writing-desk]

GOD I AM NOT YOUR STRONGEST WARRIOR/j

***Glorious Masquerade spoilers beneath the cut!!***

ROLLO LORE ROLLO LORE ROLLO LORE 👀

ROLLO FLAMME UNIQUE MAGIC REVEAL, I REPEAT: ROLLO FLAMME UNIQUE MAGIC REVEAL>>>?!?!?!??!?!??>!>@@ WE GET THE INCANTATION FOR ITR TOO?????

“Crimson flower, scorch my soul and guide me. Dark Fire!” (Translation generously provided by @mysteryshoptls, who is currently on hiatus)

Note that the line itself says “身”, which more closely translates to “physical body/myself”. “Scorch my soul” is a phrase lifted from the lyrics of Hellfire, the Disney song, and fits with the “salvation” tone and theming.

Please also note that the “crimson flower” he’s referring to in the incantation is NOT literally referencing the crimson flowers (the magic sucking plant he cultivated in the waterways); he’s not controlling or influencing the flowers in any way (other than having grown them). The “crimson flower” of the incantation is metaphorical and likely refers to the fire that covers his body afterwards (as the actual flowers are described to closely resemble real fire).

“くすぶる欲望”, the name for Rollo’s unique magic is spoken aloud as “Dark Fire”, but it is written as “Burning Desire”. Again, this is a lyric lifted from the lyrics of Hellfire.

Rollo’s UM literally engulfs his body in flames, which he can freely control firebending lol. The magical fire is fueled by others’ fear and uneasiness.

ROLLO’S IN HIS RIDDLE ROSEHEARTS ERA, HE’S FINALLY EMBRACING HIS INNER ARSONIST I KNEW HE COULD DO IT I KNEW HE COULD LOSE HIS SHIT 

ALSO, WE WERE SUPER CLOSE WITH THE DEAD LITTLE BROTHER THEORY 😭 Apparently Rollo’s little brother died very young. He unlocked his magic before Rollo did; he played around with his magical abilities and acted recklessly with them. He performed a fire spell he couldn’t control… which ended up claiming his life. Rollo wasn’t able to help him, as he unlocked his magic AFTER his little brother was already dead (and he claims that he is absolved of fault because he didn’t have magic at the time but come on, I think we all realize he probably has internalized guilt over it). Because of this, he resents magicians for not doing anything to help moderate or to restrain his brother’s magic use.

HE’S CRYING, ROLLO IS CRYING

BRUH 😔 YOU REALLY GOT TA HIT US IN THE FEELS LIEK THIS????????????? I FEEL MY HEART BREAKING I’M NOT MADE OF STONE I’M NOT MADE OF SOMETHING STRONGER I’M LITERALLY GLASS RIGHT NOW

(THIS PART IS THEORIZING + ANALYSIS but there’s a flashback to Rollo’s past… and when his little brother calls out to him for help, there are rising flames in the background. This implies that his little brother died burning alive because he couldn’t control a fire spell… and Rollo couldn’t help even if he wanted to because he hadn’t gotten his own magic yet. As Azul points out, he must have been so conflicted when his own magical abilities awakened. THEN ROLLO LEARNS THE MAGIC THAT MAKES HIM “UNIQUE” IS ASSOCIATED WITH FIRE 🤡

Imagine how fucking traumatic that must be if his little brother was lost in the flames… And if that’s true, then it explains why Rollo has dialogue which implies he’s unhappy with himself, that he views his own magic as being “cursed”, on top of forming a disdain for magic (and particularly those who overindulge in it as his brother once did). Losing his brother would have made such a big impact on Rollo that it literally SHAPED what his unique magic would be… That death was an extremely traumatic formative experience. Then, in a cruel twist of fate, Rollo sees his own magical abilities are a constant reminder that he could not save his loved one, and the form it has taken is like a sin and the guilt he cannot scrub from himself. Rollo’s body literally sets on fire when he uses his unique magic—a horrifyingly reminder of his little brother’s body burning to a crisp before his eyes.

What must Rollo be thinking in that moment when he discovered his unique magic and every time he uses it after that? I can control the fire that my brother couldn’t. I survive when this fire consumes me, and my brother didn’t. Uh, no wonder why he describes his magic as “repulsive” 😔 and no wonder why he’s not scared to lose his own magic. He, in fact, believes it will be liberating.

And the fact that his Dark Fire is powered by negative emotions????? That’s… such a scary manifestation of Rollo’s own dark thoughts and emotions. The worse people feel, the worse the flames become… the stronger Rollo’s internalized guilt, the more hateful he became, until it ultimately culminated in this plot to steal all the magic from Twisted Wonderland. In his eyes, any amount of magic is dangerous—too little, and mages becomes jealous. Too much, and they become arrogant. Magic is that evil, the unease and the fear, that propels Rollo and his unique soul-defining spell.

Dark Fire fittingly defines him, his obsession, and his ambition. Most importantly, it gives him drive, and a cause to work toward. It is Rollo’s guiding light in an otherwise dark, sin-drenched world. This is reflected even in the incantation: “Scorch my soul and guide me.” Rollo’s “sin” is also, very ironically, the hope that propels him toward is own brand of “salvation” at the expense of all other magic users. Like Idia says, Rollo tries ro justify his actions by claiming it is for the good of all when, in reality, Rollo is just seeking salvation for himself. He wants to come to terms with all the guilt he has been burdened with: seeing his brother burn, coming down with the curse of magic, the blight of his unique magic… GOD HE’S. SO AWFUL OTL BUT ALSO SO DARK AND COMPLEX)

asgk dihasbioasbiadfbiadfbafds Anyway, back to canon!!

SO THEY BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF ROLLO AND. His punishment for all of this is… Well, none of his crimes are shared with people outside of NRC (like how they try to contain news of Jamil and Vil’s OBs in the main story) 😂 so Rollo still remains “pure” in the eyes of the NBC mobs that adore him, BUT he has to deal with the internal moral dilemma and turmoil.

Truly fitting for a villain who has already internalized so much self-hatred and guilt… Oh yeah, and he dances with Malleus at the end 😂 Happily ever after, I guess??

[croxot]

Here I'll ramble about my favorite games this year.

This sure was a good year, and I have better opinions than the game awards do so I'm just gonna talk into the ether for a bit here.

Once upon a time I liked D&D 5e quite a bit, just like everyone else on this god forsaken internet. In recent years I've been more interested in Pathfinder 2e and Lancer. After so many years rolling with 5e, it became a bit more refreshing to try systems with more specific and rigid rules for certain things. However, a videogame requires specific adherence to rules to function, and in this respect, Baldur's Gate 3 is an incredible adaptation of the system. There's just so much stupid bullshit you're allowed to get away with in game that most devs would not even consider. I may have played thru act 1 like 7 times now and it's still entertaining. Also I went from hating Lae'zel to loving her. Congrats Larian, you made me like perhaps the most annoying person I've ever met in a videogame.

As my bones start to deteriorate I find myself seeking smaller, more intimate games that give a sort of feeling. Lunacid is "like" Kingsfield in the way that it's a first-person dungeon crawler. That's where the buck stops for that comparison gameplay wise. However, Lunacid offers an extremely specific feeling I find is rare in games. It's the same sort of "you're lost and alone but also it's also groovy" feel as Metroid Prime 1 & 2. And if you can capture the same sort of feeling that some of my favorite games ever gave me as a teenager, you're just automatically on my games of the year list.

I saw a gameplay video in passing on twitter, got slightly horny because caked-up goat lady, went to the steam page and saw OVERWHEMINGLY POSITIVE. I don't think my experience with Pseudoregalia is unique. It just feels great to jump around and the music slaps.

Cross the feeling of the open-sea adventure of Wind Waker, with the chase and collection of fishing minigames of countless other titles, and the dread of exploring the uncaring unknown. It scratches a seldom-scratched itch of exploratory joy within an indifferent universe. Dredge's systems can be distilled to the simple loop of growing beyond your own fears to discover more and more. None of these fears is particularly intense, but it's enough. Dredge isn't going to find itself on game of the year lists because it's doing any one thing particularly well. It's also not doing anything specifically or wholly NEW. It is however, more than the sum of it's parts, and it is beautiful.

Remnant 2 is the best co-op souls-style game that exists, tied with Nioh 2. That's it, that's what I had to say. It just real good and it deserves to be on game of the year lists.

So like, late this year, 2 Souls successors came out. Lies of P and Lords of the Fallen. And goddamn did Lords inspire division.

I think these releases really showed that people who are "Souls Fans" really cover a LOT of different specific interests, and not all of these interests are well-represented in every souls-like. Lords, perhaps amazingly, seems to cater to what I particularly want out of a Souls game, whereas Lies of P did not. I like these games for their challenge, sure, but more importantly, I like the character building. The ability to create a unique playstyle that I can take on the game with. This slowly grated on me in Lies of P because the game really only wants you to play it (and succeed at it) a certain way. Because the perfect parry was the truest answer to everything a boss could throw at you, and the dodge sucks ass, I felt more exhausted by the end of the game than anything. I also wanted to try a strength build, but the heaviest weapons cannot manage to fully wind up and land a hit on any bosses past the halfway point. Without any hyper-armor or poise, the "big weapon" playstyle felt completely trash, even outside of bosses. Lords lets me dodge, block, perfect parry, and hey they ALL feel useful. I can actually wind up big weapon hits too! Yeah it feels a bit floaty, and yeah enemy density can be rather crazy at times, but I'm the weirdo who's favorite Dark Souls is DS2. Lords also does ranged combat better than any of it's contemporaries. I think a lot of people also never played the original Lords of the Fallen. Now that game SUCKED. I played the whole thing, my god.

GAME OF THE YEAR BAYBEE

I've already talked about AC6, but again, you can't just get me to complete a game. I see an achievement list and I say "fuck that, I hate that!" I saw AC6's Achievement list and I was rubbing my hands together like a cartoon villain. Like Pseudoregalia, AC6 just feels good to play. It feels so tight, and after a few hours you can feel the minute changes in the way your mech handles even after small part swaps. Anyways it needs DLC with more Rusty content. 12/10.

[diacripticcomplex]

Hi if it's okay can I please ask for a yandere Subaru

With yui

But how would he react to her killing all his brothers and soon finding her in the Rose Garden covered in blood and wearing a white wedding dress with blood stains

Also can this be a smutfic

Subaru’s POV:

What could I do in a situation like this? This was all my fault at the end of the day. I was the youngest of the sakamaki brothers, I don't have the right to claim her and yet that is what I want. Her blood, mind, body, and soul can become mine now in peace. I know I should be mad or upset about this but there was something in me that made me somewhat glad she slaughtered all of them. I wonder how the fuck she was even able to kill them all..? Did she use my knife? Was she plotting this from the start..? Thinking about this isn't going to change anything. She was standing in the garden, admiring the roses, wearing a white dress almost as if it was a wedding dress? I think it was indeed a wedding dress, I noticed she had blood stains all over her hands and the dress as well. She did this for me..tainted her innocent hands for an abomination like me...

"Subaru..." she calls out my name, I look into her eyes, they seemed so numb and lifeless, yet she had a small smile on her lips. I don't mean to show my concerned face but she catches on "I did this for us..are you displeased?" she said, looking down so I couldn’t see her eyes. I walk up to her and lift her chin up, “I’m not displeased, Im just not worthy of all this trouble you had to go through.” I tell her, I noticed she had cuts on her, my brothers definitely put up a fight. I would bring them back from the dead just to slaughter them for hurting her, only I can hurt her.

“We can finally be together in peace..” she says to me, and tip toes to give me a kiss. I go deeper into this kiss, I wanted her all to myself, I have broken her soul, mind, heart and body so many times, and I will continue to do so, I’ll kill her if I have to she’s not going anywhere. I pull her closer and grip the back of her hair tightly, she winces at this but continues the kissing. My hands wander to her neck, I began to choke her. She stopped kissing me back and began panting. I squeezed tighter and tighter, until her eyes were rolling back and she begged me to let go of her, I did so and she dropped on her knees. That face…that look of despair in her eyes I don’t understand why I liked it so much, she looked so weak and vulnerable. I pulled down my pants, and revealed my hardened cock, I didn’t have to say anything to her, she knew what to do, before it was strange and difficult for us to have sexual relations I never felt worthy of it, I’d force myself upon her so many times as well, she’d fight me but then grow quiet and learn to enjoy it. She began to suck on my cock, gulping it down. Her eyes were getting all teary and she looked like a sweaty mess. I pull away from her and then I rip off the dress from her body exposing her pale bloody flesh, I looked at her right now she was the most beautiful she’s ever been I wanted to taint her further.

I push her down fully, we are on the ground, I pry her legs open and shove my cock into her so deep, if I would’ve busted into her right now she would’ve been 8 months pregnant. I thrusted in her fast, and harshly, putting all my force and might into it. She wrapped her arms around my shoulders, and we embraced as I continued fucking her, she’s mine now, so she can bear my children with out an issue, so I proceed to nut inside of her, the final strokes were slow but powerful until it went limp. I grab her face and kiss it some more, “Marry me Yui.” I say to her, she nods and whispers that she will, she had no other choice.

[snowfolly]

✨Prepare for an unsolicited info dump✨

I was tagged by @vixstarria , thanks so much for the tag friend!

• Do you make your bed?: well, I kind of just roll up the quilt/sheets so that it covers the bed but it always looks like shit lol.

• Favorite number: 7

• What’s your job?: I have.. a few of them. I do contract graphic design work for a local publishing company, I’m an artist and design my own T shirts/stickers and also do commissions - I love my jobs :> (well aside from the publishing company that one sucks)

• If you could go back to school would you?: Hell no, I hated school 😂 no… I just had undiagnosed adhd and struggled to keep my shit together. I made decent grades bc I always seemed to find a way to finagle things and make it work (mostly), but yeah the only thing I liked about it was meeting my best fren in college.

• Can you parallel park?: Ain’t no way. I’m a good driver for the most part but I can’t parallel park or back up into spaces for love nor money.

• Do you think aliens are real?: I’m positive that in the vast expanse of space there are many other intelligent beings but I don’t think they’re coming to earth. I’ve seen UFO’s multiple times in my life (with other ppl they can back me up lol) but tbh I just think it’s secret human technology that we plebs could not possibly fathom.

• Can you drive a manual car?: NAH

• What’s your guilty pleasure?: Good god I should feel guilty about all my pleasures but I reckon it’d be chugging Coke Zero and (7 times out of 10) staying up waaay too late for any responsible adult to be staying up.

• Tattoos?: I have 3, snowflakes on my right ankle (bc I’m a special snowflake but no actually I just really love snow lol), a pair of small wings (that I drew/had tattooed on me when I was 19) on my left shoulder and a garbage heap that was supposed to be the start of a back piece with a spine/roots that was tattooed far too deep (it’s scarred all to hell), crooked and ruined me of ever wanting another tattoo again lol. Seriously… it’s awful. (But I do want to get some small fandom tattoos one day)

• Favorite color?: I’m an edgelord so my favorite color is black (I know it’s a shade not a color)… color wise I guess probably purplish colors

• Favorite types of music?: Neoclassic/classical Instumental is what makes my soul sing, but alternative folksy music and varying degrees of ‘rock’. Post mortem themes are a plus (edgelord)

• Do you like puzzles?: sometimes, when my brain cooperates!

• Any phobias?: oh god… yeah. Worms/centipedes/ maggots, claustrophobia, games with underwater elements (thanks Ecco the dolphin for that irrational lifelong fear), mouse/rat traps (it’s the snapping), things cutting my hands/feet, ripping off a nail, lots of bugs in one space, calling people on the phone

• Favorite childhood sport: LOL

• Do you talk to yourself?: I have adhd and work from home, so yes, nonstop. I also talk to myself when I’m shopping (I judge everything very hard ok, the items and prices — they need commentary)

• What movies do you adore?: I don’t watch a lot of movies (adhd) and I’m not super fond of any of them aside from the LOTR movies and like… slingblade (for the quotes)

• Coffee or tea?: I love coffee but it doesn’t love me (and low acid/caffeine coffee just doesn’t hit the same) but I also drink liquid death tea nonstop so I guess Tea wins lol.

• First thing you wanted to be when growing up?: A paleontologist lol… then just an artist.. damn I dreamed so big, so bold

No pressure tagging @ollysoxisfree @littol-rascal @shanaraharlyah @jellymellydraws and anyone who wants to do the thing!

[artsycrow46-writing]

Hiiiii~made myself an writing blog for EVERYTHING I write.

I am @artsycrow46, an artist and writer. Please don't judge me.

I might just comment silly things and accept different asks and comisions for something anyone would want for me to put in a story or to explain. Not many posts. Also I mainly write on Wattpad, still figuring out how to write on AO3. If you know any other writing app where I can post, tell me.

But here are going to be a bunch of links.

@interstelarempire is a blog I specifically made to put all the books from a series, Interstellar Empire. There are the links, already posted, so I WON'T put them here again (it's torture to keep getting the links)

The Dream Train - My first attempt at writing some kind of Horror story, literally got the idea for it 5 minutes ago.

Lost Souls (old version) - Undertale Fanfic, still a wip, loving it, updating it(NOT ANYMORE :D ). You should give it a try, this one is so much better, and my third attempt at a book! (DON'T DO IT, BETTER CHECK THE NEW VERSION)

Lost Souls (new version) - The newer and better imagined version of the previous. Please check it out, idk how I'll get back my 100+ reads on the old one TwT

Fallen Wings - Basically a Hazbin Hotel Fanfic, I stoppen working on it. If you read it and you like it, tell me to keep working on it because I won't without being told, I personally think it's trash (attempt at making something spicy. I suck), if you try to read it, please survive trough the cringe of the first 2-3 chapters. I promise it will get better. EDIT! Fallen Wings got deleted, I decided that I might rewrite it when I finish Lost Souls.

I am open to CONSTRUCTIVE criticism. You can say I'm trash how much you want, I'm one step ahead of you, look at the cover for The Dream Train.

[fullusun]

(이해찬) ˖◌ 🐻🖥️ ꒱ 37.5 FULLSUN FM ♡ EPISODE 205 : "debunking you delulus bcs literally stfu it’s haejoo day!" 📼◌ 083124.◞⠀

[ ♡, dedicated to @hrtsjoo ] 🎙️ — STATUS : ON AIR NOW •

🎶͙ ֺ 𓂃 dun dun dun ! this week’s episode was long awaited.. crazy how summer flew over heads just like that, right sunnies? not only that happened, but a lot in general did too, no? since it’s the last day of august, i’m here to break something to all of you because some just.. can’t get it in their heads properly.

(gently laughs, shaking his head while rolling his eyes to the camera)

last summer was my most unexpected event in my life and a special someone came into my life… she’s— very. very. special to me. and today marks our first year together.. a whole year! so this episode marks it very special because..

(drum rolls with his hands on his lap)

i’m going to be talking about my top three favourite memories i’ve had with her, aaall from my perspective… since five seems too many— but i think three’s the perfect number.. do you guys have a favourite number? anyway, this episodes only for her so if you don’t like sap…

(smiles at the camera and points at the door before sticking his tongue out)

⊹ » number one — the conversation we had after our first kiss. in my mind, it felt like i was going crazy.. even if it was only for a few seconds when it happened. i guess that’s when it hit me that i realized you were all mine in that second and from then on, yknow? so much things went on in my head.. but i’m happy we talked about it, i like how we both weren’t scared since we knew eachother; and i mean really knew eachother.. the different smiles we have for each different types of happy, the way i can read your eyes with every mood you had- especially when to make a joke and when not to make a joke.. and when i need to make a joke—

(a smile grows while he talks and he takes a pause to look down at the paper on the desk to push it away)

it feels liberating to know someone and have them know me inside and out, our souls are so intertwined that it shocks me everytime, i bet they knew eachother in some other life, don’t you think? i swear joo, whenever you laugh it’s like you’re scaring all the bad thoughts away in my head. it’s one of my favourite things about you, also how when you smile you have to move your eyebrows up too.. and when your face goes blank, you look like a clueless kid and it makes me smile instead..

⊹ » number two — when you reassured me when i was at my lowest that whole time frame felt like i was being sucked into a black hole and it felt so bad.. it felt horrible to talk about these things even when it seemed so little. for some reason, it felt shaming to be myself and i let it get to me, it still doesn’t click with me how out of all people you chose me and you kept choosing me every single day joo. i think that was the time where i realized that i was truly, deeply in love with you.. i love you so dearly and you’re the most precious thing to me— i love how silly we get when things get hard and it lifts everything off my shoulders.. you’re so comfortable to be with, i don’t ever wanna go anywhere when i’m with you, but go more together in the future.. pfft- just me, you, milo and circe and maybe i know this for sure maybe, just a few plus ones or something..

(he covers his face while yelling into his hands while gulping down a laugh)

i’ll shut up on that part, maybe. jusssttt maybe. on the note of the last one though..

⊹ » number three — circe and milo playing in the snow ah yes, those days where you were getting the bag while i got locked in the basement for a few actions… eugh. i didn’t expect it on my bingo card either, but that happened! i kinda felt useless in that period too, but when i sent you the video of them tackling in snow and jumping around, all that stuff and see you look so fond of it, it made me realize how proud i felt for the both of us. we really were happy with eachother.. i saw it in the sparkle of your eyes and when and how you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me that. you have no idea how much you mean to me in general and I would give anything and do everything to show you that any and everyday.. just look at how i'm going insane at ten pm in our living room while recording this?

(he looks away from the mic to look at the papers, smiling and chuckling to himself)

it's been an official three hundred and sixty-six days since we've officially been together and it's been the best thing in my life through the hectic things, especially lately joo.. thank you for all the lessons, the laughs, the smiles, the memories and the ones we'll make even more, your hand that holds mine and the heart i get to keep with me forever. same time again next year? aaand every other year? more cats? pfft.. i love you honey, more than anything and everything... don't tell mark!

🎶͙ ֺ 𓂃 dun dun dun ! 🎙️ — EPISODE 502 COMES TO AN END. •

🫂 ALSO THIS IS FOR AANI ♡ !!

boo! it's haejoo day and ... that's literally so freaking cool. like wdym we lasted this long and we've been friends for more than one year its so crazy aani like 😭 I just wanted to tell you that I genuinely love you and appreciate you so much ): we been through a lot together and its so amazing to see that you've been nothing but a real friend to me and you're so special to me, you really have no idea.. haejoo is one of the ships I hold so close to in my heart so I thank you for all the smiles and laughs and late nights you gave comfort too <3 I love u sm and I hope we keep this up :3 I LOVE YOU !! 🫵

[starres-stuff]

FFXIV Writes 2023 | Day 3 | Sun

“Can every day be like this?” Vi’s voice had taken on a dreamy note. It was the middle of the day and somehow she had not only been successful at convincing Clement to not only stay home instead of going to Corethas but to lay with her in the Sunbeams pouring in the window at Cenodocia’s house like two oversized cats ready for an afternoon nap. She had even put off Choreographing two numbers for an upcoming show just to enjoy this time with him.

“We have to work, beloved.” The Corethan chuckled, running his hand through her long fiery hair and pulling her close. “Everyone needs discipline in their lives, order in chaos. Could you imagine a Star where no one worked?”

“Oh, I have imagined it many times over.” Vi protested, her legs stretching and her toes curling, fingers reaching out to tug at the blanket that had only lightly covered them up until the moment she pulled it up. “Then I could just lay in the sun with you and Kovalt every day. We would not have to worry about what time each of us will be home, or if I will be out of the studio in time for dinner. I would not find myself concerned that the Airship got you safely to Coerthas or that some bastard did not jump Kovalt while he was doing his rounds.” A pout appeared on her features as she rattled off the various what-ifs that consumed her mind throughout the day.

“And we would have absolutely no responsibility in our lives. We would become bored over time and before long what would we have to talk about.” Clement’s head dropped lower to place a kiss right on the crown of her own and then he said softly. “Do not worry so much Viviane. While there are many things that can go wrong, we will always come home. That I promise you.” There was such sincerity in his voice that Vi couldn’t help but nod her head, she knew well that they would both come home, they always did. Some nights it was later than others, and some mornings too but they always came home. It made her dread the day they did not. The day either of them left the Star and traveled back to the Aetherial Sea to await their rebirth.

“I trust in that my love.” She said softly, raising her head to look into Clement’s mismatched eyes, the way the sun highlighted his natural blonde hair with streaks of what looked like gold to her made her suck in her breath with a small gasp of wonder, even his features seemed to glow when the Sun touched him despite his darker skin. Often she thought he was made of the golden light the way it complimented him and in the same thought, she believed Kovalt was made from the silver light of the moon.

“I know you both will always come home, but I also know this Star has so many tragedies that I do not wish this, us, to be one of those things.” Vi’s brow creased in thought, as a sleepy yawn appeared on her face. The warmth that filled her from both the light that streamed in the window and the feeling of being wrapped up in Clement’s arms began to lull her into this peaceful place where if she was not careful she could sleep the day away without another thought to what could possibly go wrong.

“And still I will watch over you.” his voice had taken on a soft note “You will never be alone again, even when the day comes that we do return to the Sea. We will always be with you.” His hand moved from her hair to touch first her forehead and then right above her heart. “This is where we live now and nothing can end that but us. Keep your faith, love, even if we do end up parted our spirits will find each other again.” Vi could only stare at him then, there was just something about the way he spoke to her that took away anything that clouded her soul. The most exciting part of it was that she felt like she had heard the words of many lives that were behind them. The three of them were destined to just keep finding each other and no one, not even them could convince her otherwise.

“You are the light in my darkness, you know.” Vi finally managed to say, wrestling with her tongue to get it to say what she wanted was always a chore but it was worth it, just to get out how she was feeling. “Before you, I was not a very optimistic woman. There was no middle of the road. There was only darkness and light. Since you entered my life I have begun to see the shadows that are created when both touch equally and in balance.

A light blush took her cheeks, and her eyes closed. This was the perfect day, and he was the perfect man for her. They both were. “You are my Sunshine, Clement. I hope you know that I know I am not the best at telling either of you how much I love you and what you mean to me.” The words trailed off after that, one last yawn and finally, she drifted off into sleep, leaving Clement to watch her sleep and tighten his arms around her; eventually joining her in her dreams.

[slightlyaboveaverageiq]

The Whisperer: Part 3 (Wally Clark Fic)

There was no loud slam of the bedroom door thank Jesus, in fact the only sign that someone had entered her room was the cool cloth that was pressed on what was visible of her head from under the covers. She squinted one eye open and immediately wished she hadn’t. For one reason even though she had pulled the blackout curtains before wrapping herself into a burrito there was still some sunlight streaming though. Not a lot but enough to make her stomach turn. The second reason being the worried look in her brothers eyes coupled with the prominent frown and eye bags.

“How many this time?” His voice was barely above a whisper but it still felt like he was stabbing her in the head with a million tiny needles and she groaned at the pain wishing he would wait until she wasn’t contemplating killing herself before asking.

“Well there were seven before I even made it to my locker. Then I met Dawn and she introduced me to 3 more.” My voice was barely above a whisper but I would have to be both blind and deaf to miss the way my brothers eyebrows sky rocketed when I basically confirmed I willingly went and met with more spirits.

“You intentionally went with this spirit to go and meet more? You normally run the opposite direction.” I sighed and threw my blankets off my body and pushed myself up. Clearly he wasn’t going anywhere until he had, what he deem, sufficient answers.

“It was part of our deal for her to fuck off. I told her I would do one thing for her and she took me to meet Jock, Cunt Waffle, and Puppy. Cunt Waffle is convinced I’m dead and just in denial, Jock and Puppy don’t know what to think, and I think Dawn knew exactly what was going on but was playing stupid.” He laughed at cunt waffle but then tried to act like an adult and immediately his eyes turned scornful and I made a mental note not to call Rhonda a cunt waffle in front of him.

“You know you could just tell them what’s going on instead of just trying to convince them without any background.” Is this man really wanting me to track them down all over again after I just gave him that long ass speech and the fact that I’m currently dying and wishing he would just fucking leave so I could sleep for the next 36 hours in peace?

“so I tell you I do this so they will leave me alone. And your solution is for me to willingly go out of my way to talk to them so they have another reason to continue the conversation?” I raised my eyebrow at him and he stood hastily and I could tell that my tone had rubbed him the wrong way. Oh well that’s what he gets for saying something so incomprehensibly stupid.

“They’re going to keep coming back anyway Morrigan because you’re a mystery. Might as well just tell them and then they won’t have a reason to come back. Just a little food for thought.” I knew he was right but I wasn’t about to admit that with how I just acted. I was embarrassed and he knew it but was going to make me admit he was right. I huffed and turned my back to him signaling I was done with this conversation.

“Just let me sleep Connor, I don’t feel good and j get bitchy when I don’t feel good. I don’t want to argue I just want to sleep.” That seemed to melt his cold demeanor just a little bit because he kissed the top of my head before tucking my blankets tighter around me so the light wouldn’t get in. I gave a small him in appreciation and j felt his weight lift off my bad.

“Just think about what I said Mo, at least think about telling Dawn. You say you don’t like them but it sounds like that girl has wiggled her way in there.” He shut my door quietly and I’m left alone with my thoughts. He’s right Dawn has t really done anything to incur my wrath, I just wanted to shut her down before she even tried. Not even cunt waffle, yes she was rude but she also thought I was a ghost in denial. She was telling me what she thought I needed to hear. Was I ever going to admit that though? Absolutely not. As friendly and not demonic soul sucking as these spirits seemed to be I did not need them making me feel shitty every day. Then again an occasional conversation wouldn’t hurt, and I guess I should probably tell Dawn she can have her locker seat back. It is kinda fucked up that’s where she had been living since she died and I told her to fuck off.

All of that could wait until Monday though, right now I needed to sleep because on a level of 1 to 10 my migraine was at bitch please fucking kill me.

[bruins35]

Overnight Diary

Dear Diary,

I haven't posted on here, but I felt I just needed to post on here, because I know if I post on any of my social media's I'll have family and friends messaging me. Honestly, that's not what I need right now, what I need is just to vent and get everything out of me right now if that makes sense?

Today I'm going to be honest has been a mad struggle, honestly the past month or two have been really a struggle for me. I put myself in worse debt and I'm drowning. That's my own fault, and I need to smarten up. I also pretty much fucked around and found out how bad the cheapest medical insurance option is at my job. They barely cover anything, and now that I'm trying to improve my health I'm just putting myself more in fucking debt. So, now I'm delaying doctor appointments, especially unfortunately my therapy sessions for my depression to once a month instead of twice a month. It honestly fucking sucks, but I know I'll be okay.

I feel like I'm losing friends, and more I'm just realizing how many friends were just fake as fuck. I lived in Florida for six year, and then eventually moved back home to New England. I thought I made some real close friends just to realize what I thought were friends or close friends either unfriended me, or just never reached out to me or answer any messages i sent them. It honestly sucks, and hurt. Some of these people I considered some of my closes friends or considered them part of my Orlando Family, just to find out they never saw me like that all.

The crazy thing is, when you run into someone you thought hated you to find out that they really didn't. What's worse though is not believing it, because even if they told your friend it was great seeing me, but when you reach out to them thinking it might be an olive branch to try and rekindle a friendship only to get ignored. It makes you think it was all just bullshit, and that they just don't give a fuck really.

I have "friends" that came flight attendants that I knew from FL, and I would reach out to them telling them if they ever find themselves up by me to hit me up so we can catch up. Well, nothing like seeing these posts of them in my city, spending time in my city, and just never reaching out. It hurts, it really fucking does. Makes you think to yourself, what fuck did I do wrong not even get a text. Honestly, my time in FL made me realize I just hate people I think.

It doesn't help that the final three years of my time in FL, I had people spreading some really awful rumors, and tried to get me fired several times. My final year in FL it got so bad, my depression was at an all time high, and honestly have never been suicidal in my life. Well, my time away from Florida, and some soul searching, I just knew if I lived alone I honestly probably wouldn't be here today. That's how bad everything got for me, and it scares me to think back on a time that was originally going amazing for me.

Then, someone who honestly could've been the one for me, came into my life at the wrong time. I was still trying to heal from a really emotional abusive relationship, and i just couldn't trust anyone. So, when she moved on, her BF started spreading really awful rumors about me... Worst part is, her BF at the time was one of my "closest friends". When I thought we finally hashed it out, and moved on, I thought I might get my friends back, and they'd unblock me on facebook... NOPE, they kept me blocked, and only recently did she unblock me from everything, and honestly it just isn't worth it for me to even try to friend her or reach out. It's not worth it for me, or my mental health. Him on the other hand definitely hasn't unblocked me, and it's just why can't people grow up.

I could honestly go on and on about other things, but I think I will just end this here right now. I have shit to do at my Overnight job, and I just need to listen to music to take my mind off of everything.

[castle-dominion]

castle 7x7 Once Upon a Time in the West

the western episode liveblog

Lucky me I spent like 2.5 hours working on a supper that says it should take 35 mins bc I needed to make more for my uncle & I decided to take it slow instead of speeding thru at kitchen pace & also my finger has a hole slashed on it & honestly supper is still cooking in some ways.

Anyway liveblog time

All this medical jargon. At least we get the witnesses name right away.

Diamondback? *Immediately has a seizure*

Why clink glass when everyone is already there?

Brevity is the soul of wit (clipping) We got married! Their faces so good. The slow fall of javi's into a sneer/frown, lanie's fall into sad & slightly more open rather than just a smile, kevin's look between the two & blink JE: You guys suck. KR: What – why did you do that? LP: Hold – hold up. No, no, no, no, no.

they all just *turn* to look at martha Right drink ok

LP: Hold this (hold my beer) LP: I am your maid of honor. I haven’t had a carb in months, just in case I had to put that damn dress back on. KB: And you look great. LP: Save the flattery. Kate, you owe me dinner. I’m picking the restaurant and we’re ordering all the desserts. KB: (meekly) Okay. (I like how she's mad, says her piece, gets her apology dinner agreed to, & then forgives her & hugs her.)

*Lanie punches rick just a little bit* Guys! *dark strings that go just a little lower in anger* (clipping)

WE didn't get that call. Once again, not invited. & hey when I was a kid I made a skit on the Nativity of Christ by myself & when Mary & Joseph got married I didn't think of "I do" as the marriage, I didn't think of rings, I didn't think of vows, I thought of dancing. My stuffed animal that was Joseph & I (playing Mary) spun in circles together while I sang. To me, a wedding is about dancing. What I mean by this is: the reception is more important than actually getting married so don't worry u didn't miss a thing

RC: Could have been worse KB: It still might be. I mean, who knows what they’re doing to our place right now.

RC: Our place. Our. We’re married. We’re married. (he grabs her arm and links it with his) We did it, Mrs. Castle. KB: We certainly did, Mr. Beckett. RC: WAIT UNLESS THAT ADDS ANOTHER NAME TO HIS NAMES. Richard Alexander Edgar Rodgers Castle Beckett.

Why an island getaway if he's afraid of the ocean?

She looks good btw, nice hair. HOLY CRAP THAT HOSPITAL EMPLOYEE WEARING A JACKET OVER HER SCRUBS, i THOUGHT WAS A DOCTOR COVERED IN BLOOD & SHE WAS JUST CHATTING CASUALLY OUTSIDE AN OPERATING ROOM.

aT LEAST HE'S TRYING TO BE POSITIVE ABOUT MURDERS NOT MAI TAIS. whoops i didnt' realize caps lock was on. Also it is hard to type when I have a possible tendon injury in my finger

KB: And she believed she was a victim of foul play? Yay murder victim helping ppl know that they ARE a murder victim before they die! Dr: Yes, and so do I. Heart medicine? cardiac arrest? wait WHY is it lethal when unrefined? It is the same drug, just has other stuff near it like... fibre & calories & water from the plant... Unless the drug is actually altered on a chemical level... idrk. But yeah foxglove is medicinal & toxic. Why would the doctor want the detectives to do that? idk. Doesn't matter. All good.

Dagmar. (love-- I forget what I was writing, it's been a week or several. Oh wait maybe I was saying that I love people who sponsor disadvantaged children.)

Her mom only passed this recently? Oh & ew internship.

utter, whittle, such good diction *looks at him* Castle would be really smart abt this tho, he would give two smart answers, & then he'd say "third while you thought I was playing on my phone I found out it was a ranch in arizona"

but what's a "dude" ranch? XD esposito & castle XD they're still mad legit just tosses them his wallet XD

Sus (short, last minute, only 3 days) Beckett just does the time zone math in her head!? & according to sito the snake key is her bunkhouse key... "cowboy activities" so gay sex /j but also lol define cowboy activities, shovelling poop & breaking down your cattle into quarters for sale? she left her stuff OR she didn't bring it back with her bc she was in such a hurry

lol big boy & it hits him in the forehead

Video calls, ah yes. It's about the economy of the town, keeping people employed. Or yeah no it's personal. Love the set design too btw

Gates is pretty Sito shup. GATES OMG "I’m sure it was Mr. Castle’s fault." GATES OMG

RC: Well, look at this place. I mean, it’s got beautiful skies, wide open spaces, the thrill of the old west? (she’s still confused) What better place for an impromptu honeymoon? (her jaw drops) For the investigation, of course. We could jump on a plane and be there in a few hours. *right in front of gates* KB: No, Castle. We are not having a honeymoon at a dude ranch! ("a" honeymoon) Arguing so good RC: Well – it could be our cover story. We’re a newlywed couple with a hankering for the wild frontier, right? And look, Beckett. I know you want to see justice brought to this young woman’s killer. And … this … this is the only way. VG: I hate to say this, but your husband may be right. KB: *turns to look at her bc 1- why r u defending him, & 2- why are YOU defending HIM?* rysposito shared communication (Yeehaw) fricking love it. So excited for this ep.

(btw, I must have started this liveblog on the 27th; it is now oct 10, so you can see how busy my life is) clipping the fun intro but that horse whinney is the typical stock audio

Wow pretty people

Castle already looks kinda normal.

RC: Best honeymoon ever.

*Right out of the stagecoach KB steps into a pile of horse poop. She cringes.*

Love his outfit!!

James Grady. That's like James Jim Brady who disappeared mysteriously with Absolom Abbie Halkett. Love the language they use 'round here btw. Red bandannas is a good marker for the hands I think.

Aww upgraded them! Oh wait she was emailing about the fact that she was in room 14, the snake key wasn't relevant

JG: That’s my missus. Like yours, she runs the show here.

Castle speaking reminds me of firefly.

She's soo pretty

RC: Whoa. This is like, three fantasies coming true all at one. Only thing missing is … Gentlemen James, where do we get the replica guns? (he gestures shooting) Like yours. JG: Replica? Son, this is Arizona. It’s open carry.

Colt 45 babes

RC: (awed) I want to be him when I grow up. KB: (shrugs) Well yeah, if you grow up. JG: It’s all about practice, which you can do with one of our firearms, available for purchase at our gift shop. They just sell guns at gift shops in arizona? what!?!?

you mean ESPOSITO was wrong abt it being her bunk key.

RC: Are you looking for disinfectant? KB: Clues. Remember? Whitney was staying here. except she was NOT... this was not her room key.

whether we like it or not (big bro said aww)

He opens a door that turns out to be to the bathroom. But the bathroom isn’t empty. Tobias: Howdy, partner. RC shuts the door and turns back to KB. RC: I don’t know if it comes with the room, but there’s a naked cowboy shaving in our bathroom. This scene killed me. Just closes the door back on him. Tobias: Well, I guess when they found out that me and her both enjoyed chasing cowboys they figured what the heck. VERY authentic Tobias: I like my coffee like I like my men: strong, black, and bitter.

Tea (scandalbroth) (big bro loves this, he says "I love this faggot")

Of course they have a gay gossip at the cowboy honeymoon retreat. KB: So we procrastinate and make stuff up?

Well because you're more physically capable of hogtying beckett, you're the angry cop with training, he's the physically big writer who fences. But he gave you gunslinging!

they're allowed their phones?

Looove the outfits btw but I'm not taking a pic rn I have no time & don't have em standing beside each other.

KB: Hey Ryan, how’s it going? KR: Oh, wonderful. In fact, we were just discussing your nuptials. JE: Not the actual event, since neither of us were there. KB: Guys, is this really why you’re calling? KR: Partly, yes. JE: And we have news. Here’s the good: MTA cameras show that Whitney’s bags were left on the subway. KR: Here’s the bad news: they were stolen by a homeless man. But we put out a BOLO. Hopefully somebody will recognize him.

Wax covered cardboard? I thought that was like a broccoli case

She can tie up castle like how the bear tying class unus annus did tied up mark

Look at her nice & red dress

RC: I’ll take a coffin varnish. Bartender (who looks kinda cool ig): Some what? RC: You know, a gut warmer. Face burner. Nose paint? Cowboy cocktail? (the BARTENDER looks at him blankly) What do you all call whiskey here? Bartender: Whiskey RC: *flails his hand*

my man has an eyepatch wait XD keep an eye out! Castle!

Ollie: This isn’t a ring. It’s a noose.

Oh the bells are the signal for the ace up the sleeve thing & time for the gunfight.

Whitney did! *doesn't talk to whitney bc she dead* Ollie! Up high! Good on Castle for faking it with Ollie & Ollie for playing along so they can have their fight in private. Great dynamic. But the interruption made them both chill out a bit more.

Ranch key! *lock breaks*

Nice blowtorch but where the heck is it?

Dynamite IS covered in waxed paper but I thought of broccoli lol

Oh no we are going to receive some good old fashioned racism. My fnmi ass sitting over here waiting tensely 1876 babey!

CLIPPING RYAN ESPOSITO XD XD castle could have totally greased a palm for a truck.

15 miles on horseback? 4mph, that's 3 & a half hours or so bought himself a gun lol. I mean hey I'm anti gun but I love a sixshot. wait his& hers wedding gift guns? lmao that's great! But how will they get them back home?

love the fire there. If they're at a canter the entire way they could get there in 1h but thet ain't happening.

Yavapai dude: Seriously? You’re rolling up to the reservation dressed like extras from a Gene Autry movie? That’s some real cultural insensitivity. KB: Sorry. Sir, we didn’t mean any offense. We’re – we’re vacationing at Diamondback. YD: Yeah, I figured that. I was just messing with you folks. Relax.

Loooove languages. I watch murdoch mysteries & a lot of the languages are algonquian which means that since I know a bit of cree I can sometimes parse what they mean but these are words farther south. I don't know em.

KB: Yeah. I mean, the historical society, the Yavapai word, the dynamite. How does all of that add up to someone poisoning Whitney? It just doesn’t make sense.

He DID learn smth at the harmonica class!!! Cruising down the river? Let me call you sweetheart I'm in love with you? Magical, drinking champagne out of tin cups. Which one of them knew how to start a fire. *stripping* *there's a snake* *beckett fucking shoots it!?!?* *ryan & esposito run*

ryan & esposito look good now but esposito was different yesterday

the peacock boys?

first name Javi Castle stuttering

right, always the barkeep even if there was no mistranslation it would still happen just from english to english

the dam!

RC: Of course I want to go after the gold! It’s gold! he's done treasure hunts with her before uwu

Slim's a girl! Clyde is whitney's father!

Mm music! fake eagle (red tailed hawk) sound effect them thar hills

He told her to go first but he's first in... RC: Because it’s still here. For over a century, fifty ingots of pure gold have been trapped in this cold, dark tomb, waiting patiently to be rescued. (he kneels by the trunk) You hear that, Beckett? You hear them calling?

That's not gold!

That's blunt force trauma!

Pd? phillip dagmar? I thought it was Police Department typical cops "it DOES make u look guilty"

Bro said "it's them" bc the sheffir didn't want beckett to investigate in the first place but now daisy mae & the sherrif are taking beckett one way & james grady is taking castle alone the other way...

& I suddenly remember the rest of the episode, big bro is not far off.

Clyde "just fell" (& you cradled him as he died which is why YOUR shirt was bloody) Who was your other partner? Cut to: big bro's prediction

The slight pushzoom there...

*got his gun* it would be fun if the barkeep just shoots him (-big bro) But his gun ould have the safety on, but possibly a bullet in the chamber.

oh the barkeep IS there! *just ducks down a bit*

"residance in the bone ortchard" or castle you COULD sit down & have another drink & pretend you didn't hear the call from ryan & let jimmy get away (& then go after him later)

of cour'se it's a deus ex machina

RC: good thing I married the fastest gun from the east

Ooh beckett's corset tho it's a bit tight but still nice.

they like to bitch ig but it is not even GOOD bitching sometimes. kind of annoying. & "we're the reason they fell in love in the first place" where's your justification there? When you were complaining TO THEM it was FUN! now it is not in the fun way it's just bitchy & salty.

JE: Nah, nah. You know what really gets me? Is that they only invited immediate family. What, we’re not family? KR: More like poor relations. VG hangs back and listens to them talk. KR: And we’re probably the reason they fell in love in the first place. JE: Right? VG: You know, I’ve been listening to your bellyaching for the last few days. And I have to ask, *calm voice* VG, still calm voice: what the hell’s wrong with you two? (the way she says it is so good but she's also right) JE: Come on, sir. It doesn’t bother you? VG: You really want to know what I think, Detectives? *Ryan goes to say something. Maybe. He moves his mouth.* VG: I think that the two of you should stop whining like two little schoolgirls who weren’t invited to the dance and be happy that your friends, you very dear friends, have found a way to make it work. Especially after all the hell those two have been through. Now, that’s what I think. She gives them a pointed look. They’re chastised. KR: Well, when you put it that way … JE: Yeah, I mean, I guess in some opinions we have been kind of jerks about it, so … KR: Right. VG: Yeah. You have. But, if you’re interested there might be something you can do to make it up to them. She smiles. They’re skeptical. *Looks to esposito for a sec*

"you didn't invite us to your wedding" "Yeah well I named horses after you"

she lassooed him with her hog tying skills!

supposed to be a wedding dress; is a stripper dress *walking to her tied up* two vacation days is not a lot but four is a lot.

They get two honeymoons!

Well now, that was fun! & I did spend a bit over an hour & a half... esp when you consider I already watched some earlier but shush I had fun & this is a rare occurrance these days with how demanding school has been. Man trade school is a lot of work.

[the-everlasting-downpour]

Misc. posts from the old blog.

Feb. 21st.

(responding to one of my messages) Only the last one is normal. Others are… meh.

care to suggest?

Let make Square a “soldier of free will” Like, he goes to serve on positivity and romance And then just gets curbstomped by the sheer reality.

Cudda could be more influential. So that he would lead others. But then sucked on hard one And dissapointed everyone. (He also can be finished by the news about others’ failures.)

And Blixter… “Hostage of the circumstances” sounds plain. We need a predestination for that kind of suffering.

square’s literally been forced to play with the devil. he understands that by his experience. he has no free will and is sent to do as required from him, otherwise it will end poorly.

cudda from the beginnings is a brain behind the operation. even before the events became apparent, he made some staggering progress.

and blixter ended up in this mess while coming out from a rich family. behind him is his bodyguard. he is a hostage of circumstances, as he acknowledges, that the bodyguard isn’t always able to save him.

…Yeah. Right. Gotcha. A bias toward ordinariness.

that’s canon. what can i do? i myself have destined to make a continuation while remaining maximally canon. in this set i can’t go any other way. and even if i could, i wouldn’t, as i know the canon. c'est la vie.

Feb. 24th.

idk how, but it got harder to write not, like, harder to write things down, but harder to create some good scenery for example, chapter 3 i made it? i did is it good? it is but it’s like some art house films with a 2 mil. budget - it could’ve been done better i’ll spend some more time creating chapters 4 & 5. maybe 2-3 weeks or so i’ll also look if i can make progress on other shit or not

A, So you are, like, tired of the project But not, like, entirely

yeah like, i have motivation

And then you’ll burn out

nah, i don’t bind to anything that much it’s like sex - you always need a condom

Mar. 5th.

i’ll not lie to you, but i feel bad about Alex and Reekis more than M.

I feel bad for how Reekis turned out and also Alex too, you were right, this chapter was suffering

fyi, Alex actually loved M., secretly. she hoped, that the relationship between M. and Penti will not stay for long and she could snitch him out of anybodys’ grasp. and M. liked her, too. and Reekis… do you think he wanted this? he was 19 in the day when he was arrested. he was naive and easy to manipulate. and so he was used to burn the church. i lied, that everybody got arrested. everybody ran, and Reekis got the blame. but even when he knew he will suffer himself, he couldn’t stop his pride.

I did sense something between Alex and M but rn my focus is on Reekis because he was like, one of my favorites and to see him in this state was sad (with the context of young and naive) He got on the bad lane of things, poor dude.

and also Eugene. not only he was the soul of the company - he was the one who gave both Reekis and M. an opportunity to make their plan work. my friend, with which i talk a lot about this project, said, that i should’ve removed him entirely, as he was nonimportant to the story. at some degree he was right. hence, Eugene got a simple death of being a victim of a mall shooting.

The moment I read Eugene died I was like “how is M. Gonna recover from this” He didn’t

if the gaps between deaths would’ve been more, and if he himself didn’t get beaten from those mysterious people, he could’ve recover. even for a man of reason and intelligence this totality can be fatal. and that has happened.

It was the snowball rolling down the snow covered hill effect

an avalanche, so to speak.

Mar. 5th.

how do you think, does the concept “the more simple the description - the sadder the reader” work with death of an character?

I don’t think so You can make an intense situation first, Only for it to end in nothingness. A simple description of death makes it dry, boring and somewhat usual

ok, i have Eugene’s death. i want to make it simple against the background of John’s death, for which i wrote the final scene of his funeral in chapter six and the opening scene in chapter seven, where M. deals with what the deceased John handed him in a beautiful box. and i decided, by design, to make Eugene a victim of mass-shooting in the shopping mall. the intensity is already there - M. is already suffering after John’s death. and there’s another portion of it added via Eugene’s death.

So, Eugene leaves the land after John, if i understand it correctly?

yea. a lot of time has passed after John’s death and after his funeral

Uh-huh… And you want to make the second death less significant But it has to hit M. hard

no. it adds additional dread to the feelings after John’s passing.

like, John was with him in the army, and his father tells M. about John’s problems and that M. was his only friend.

see: John (significant) Eugene (additional) Reekis (additional (Reekis does not die, but goes to jail because he burned down the church) M.’s group (significant) The attempt on M.’s life (very significant)

In fact, we can do without Eugene He doesn’t mean much at all

too late - i wrote the scene down.

Then why remove him at all?

it’s an additional scene.

Oh

and otherwise the collage would be unfinished.

Getting those symbols, eh?

this is one of the reasons. even if on the surface Eugene means little, it does not mean that he is not needed at all.

For me It doesn’t make sense M. is already in a tilt because of John So why does he have to be in a tilt because of Eugene? He’s practically a nobody

[readingintomymelancholia-blog]

In The Lonely Hours

Today, I promised to myself that this will be the last day that I will mourn to the person I lost. Today, I will let grief come inside my space and have a drink with me. Today, I will backtrack all the memories we made Good and bad, laughter and tears, joy and loneliness All will be remembered and will just be memories that I can look back to

Once, I was a lost boy that was found. Once, you held my hand no matter what the future holds Once, I was special to a person and it felt so damn good Once, I was appreciated with what I can give at the moment Atleast once, I felt important and cared for and loved very deeply

A lot of times, I wished you stayed and I wish I did something for you to stay But I know to myself that I don't have the capacity to do so right now I know to myself that you deserve someone better I wish it was me, but at this moment, I can't be that person But I still wish it was me In the end, I hope it is me

This connection is really deep for me You touched the darkest untouched part of my heart and soul The moment we clicked, I know that we are meant to meet each other Nothing is coincedental Nothing is sure in the future as well, but I am sure of what I am feeling towards you Never in a second I doubted this feeling for you

Walking away when you don't want to is really hard But when no other choice was given but to walk away, there is nothing else to take Walking away from your person is world shattering Stepping out of your home is very scary Just as knowing that your person's love is not as the same as before I wouldn't want to walk away but the mental toil is too much for me I am a very patient person but I cannot deal with the imbalance and mental confliction for too long

No matter how hard I try to pull away from this, I can't I don't know why but I really can't I am very attached to you that even I try my very best to detach, I'm ending up more attached and it hurts But after this day, I will really try to Not because I want to but because I needed to Even if it drains me, I will do it for me

You know, there's deep love here But so as doubts, pain, communication, circumstances, time management, third party and external interferences, our own thoughts and life, ego, options and a lot more Just like your favorite shirt that you cannot find because its under a pile of all other clothes We are not able to see that love because it was covered by a thick layer of things But it is there underneath all of that

Outside interferences will always and forever be outside influence Remember that each and every person have different story - life or love Reflecting another story to your own story will only lead to deep confusion and regret Because you know and feel that it's not right But you are so eager to weave your story to resemble the story of others It gets tangled to what should have been your own story all along

People show love and care in different ways And it is in the perception of the receiver Whether they accept it or demand for more Regardless of the interpretation of the receiver We must know that that love and care the person showed is always their best

It is time Time for me to let go Time for me to just keep it as memories Time to leave the past on the past Time for me to carry on with my own life Time for me to fully heal

It is also time for us to reap what we sow in this connection Whatever it is we did, we will reap the rewards Regardless if we refuse, it is what it is The fruits of our labor in this connection Whatever is coming, it is our karma

Coming in to a new perspective in all aspects of life Nothing is ever worth it, all the risks you take will be just a waste Despite all your efforts, it will never be enough It will be disregard and unappreciated A waste

The hardest for me to swallow is I'm not capable of love Love is only for people who deserve it I don't deserve it I am selfish, I suck at communication, I refuse to change, Financially incapable, I unintentionally take advantage of people, I have a lot on my plate, I overthink a lot, and I don't get hints or signs I am unworthy of love I can love but I can never receive the same love I give and I am tired

I'm very close to losing hope for love Feelings face and never stay In the end, they will choose themselves and leave you hanging to dry To suffer endlessly and to ride the merry-go-round of despair and darkness Forced to just embrace the darkness until it becomes me I am darkness, I am despair, an anti

The last spark of light in me wore off Willingly let the dark consume me and transform me to something I don't expect me to be Staring at the mirror and looking directly into my eyes I see darkness and nothingness The light that shimmers in my eyes is gone The light that my heart reflects to everyone is succumbed by the dark My inner demons conquered me I lost the war The war inside me that I kept on fighting I am defeated

It is shocking that only one person can ruin you to the core And you can never blame them They may never mean that but there's no other way That's what you get for letting your heart control you That's what you get for letting the feelings take charge Moving forward, I will choose me and love me Not letting my heart and feelings lead me Because it's always up to no good, I swear

I apologize if the words are all over the place Like nothing is connecting to another Just like my emotions, it's everywhere all at once I am just very tired of the competition on who is the most careless This ego death is something I am not prepared for Recouping everything about me is very exhausting One day, I will be whole again and I will look back on this blog How I overcame this, how I handled the situation I will smile and be grateful

I am wishing you a very happy holidays With your family and friends or possibly with someone new For me tonight, I am one with darkness With the old version of me that's buried with the memories of you

With love and gratitude,

(Once was)Your Taurus

[swearwolf1990]

A reflection on the year 2022:

I started out this year in a rough spot. My inability to cope with everything teaching brought was wearing me thin. I knew that I would have to commit to typing the resignation that lived inside of my brain, first as a passing thought as the leaves fell in autumn to the wailing it had become as icicles formed on the eaves of the house. When I sent that email to the administration, it was freeing and terrifying.

I thought I had everything figured out. It was now May, and I had started real estate school in March. I’d done my research; I’d talked to people in the field, looked online for testimonials, and read books to make sure it was a good fit. I was even in touch with a firm who I was sure was going to hire me. I looked forward to easier days and the new challenges that my new profession would bring.

The week before the school year ended, that firm decided I was no longer a good fit for them and decided to go with someone else. My fault had been in not responding to emails quick enough, they said. I was devastated. My plan that I had laid out since January crumbled and I was left to finish the school year and figure out where I would go from here.

The summer was full of the fond memories of building a fence with my Dad and Uncle, my Mom calling us in often for breaks and taking care of us. I remember the smell of cement and rain and sweat and the sigh of happiness when it was done and for the joy it would bring for as long as it stood.

The summer was also full of interviews and resumes and cover letters all asking me to prove my worth to the working world. It was full of existential crisis and knots in my stomach and listening to the same sad song so many times that I often wake up with it still playing in my head.

I accepted the offer to work at another real estate firm in late June. The thing about real estate is that you work off commission, and if you’re not helping someone buy or sell a house, you’re not making money. I knew that my paychecks ran out in August, and doing the math of how long I could last on those dollars became the most soul sucking equation I had known in my life. I often second-guessed myself. Had I made the mistake of quitting teaching too early? I often wondered when it would be my turn in life to experience the financial stability and happiness I had dreamed of, or if it passed before it came and I’d expired.

July brought family vacations. It brought the relief and belonging that you can only really experience when you’re all drinking a cold beer as you float in the warm gulf with the people you grew up with and who raised you. As I get older, I realize how quickly time passes us all by. It brought me back to the present, and to the realization that I needed a plan B.

In August, I realized that despite my head-first deep dive into real estate, I didn’t know if I was experiencing success fast enough to financially support Rylee and myself. I took up a long-term substitute position at a high school, just for a few months, to keep the money coming in. It almost felt like I was giving up. Despite my new coworkers who were warm and encouraging, I was reminded of why I left teaching.

In September, I received a phone call from a company I had applied to over the summer. They wanted me to apply again, as they thought I’d be a good fit. Funnily enough, it was my combined background of teaching and my short foray into real estate that helped me in the intense interview process.

When I got the call that I was being offered a position, I felt as if all the struggling I had done had been worth it. All the nights I couldn’t sleep, all the time I had stared at myself in the mirror and wondered if I’d make it, and here I was. I’d arrived. I felt as if a life’s worth of karma had been cashed in.

In mid November, I started my new job and felt the stress I had carried for so long start to ebb. It was very different. My new job was nothing like I had ever experienced before, but the warmth of the community and the encouragement from every direction buried any imposter syndrome that had started to take root.

In December the company flew me out to their global meeting in Austin and I got to meet my team in person for the first time. I’m a remote worker, and as much as I was excited to meet them, I also anticipated the awkwardness of those who had already been working together for a few weeks meeting someone they had only seen on a screen before. From the get-go, they were nothing but welcoming and including. Attending the global meeting put a lens on how much potential we have to influence lives for the better, and I was motivated to do right by the people I serve at work.

Now it’s almost the end of the year, and looking back, it has been an absolute rollercoaster. Despite all its challenges, my friends and family loved me through it all and supported me when I needed it most. And for the first time in a long time, I feel like my future holds such potential.

Here's to you, 2022.