#also finding out my mom is like really depressed and lonely is hurting my heart so here I am making my way back…

[wurm-food]

trying to figure out why I feel so tense and weird and off the rails and it’s because tomorrow is A Day and I actually need to do something about it

[sqlmn]

I normally do not ramble about my OCs without art to go with it but I just wanna.... do that real quick about Right’s plot.

TW Abuse / drinking

So, Right’s childhood was rough. His parents never got married but they stayed together. His mom had really bad anxiety and couldn’t hold a job so his dad was the income. His dad also was prone to drinking and beating him and Right was like “as long as my mom is safe, then I can handle it” until the day he realized that his mom never actually tried to get his dad to stop. She would pretend like it never happened. And that, the ignoring it, hurt more than all the punches he’d ever receive. So he already had a fear of contact at a young age. At fifteen, his dad died in a traffic accident and that same day his mom basically handed him off to child services to handle since it isn’t like she had a job.

Brent finds this out and when Right asks him if his childhood was any better he’s like “compared to that, yes.” And explains that his parents were present but mildly neglectful on the emotional aspect. He never learned how to interact properly with people and always found it hard to relate to others. He wasn’t hurt or anything, but his social abilities are definitely lacking. And Right just nods at that and says “so you were depressed”. Which kinda takes Brent off guard because yeah, his parents sent him to therapy for it? He admits he never actually felt depressed, he simply thought everyone felt empty. He didn’t know any different and just assumed everyone felt the same void and distance.

Right then asks him what made him stop being depressed and Brent thinks for a minute and then just “meeting you?” which then has Right panicking because he is an absolute ass to Brent and oh lordy, Chris is going to KILL HIM for being mean to a depressed person. And Brent is just “well, he might kill me first for making you have a panic attack right outside the station.” And Right calms down a little and they agree that this stays between them. It’s safe that way. And Brent honestly feels a little happy that Right trusted him so much...

So down the road of that whole fiasco, Karen and Chris are begging Right to go drinking again cause he’s their designated driver since he never drinks. And Brent tags along after Karen suggests it and Right then demands it if he has to play taxi again. Karen and Chris get quite drunk and Brent doesn’t drink as much while Right simply has water.

As they stand up to leave, Right sighs and tells Brent to help Karen out to the car and so Brent nods. Karen... reaches out sleepily and very precisely holds only the fabric of his sleeve. And Brent’s heart feels like it’s been stabbed knowing that she developed this habit to avoid touching Right. That even if she’s half asleep on her feet and drunk, she knows No Touching. Brent already knows he has feelings for Right at this point and just wants to one day be able to hug the man or something cause no contact whatsoever... it must be a little lonely.

Anyway all that is just because I like to write before bed and so I have like a fifty page word document of little snippets for the group and I never share my writing with people? I just like sharing ideas with like. One person lmao. I feel so shy about my OCs.....

[ramonaandjesus]

time

the last time I wrote on here was July 25th. in the almost six months since, I have worked a job. I got a job, two in fact. I am moving. I am meeting new people. I have blacked out once. I haven't struggled with depression as deeply. I am more responsible if and when I drink. I love my parents more dearly. I became good at being alone, although I struggle to be lonely. I don't fear unanswered texts. I hold the mirror to myself, who I am now and who I was.

much has changed. I have and I haven't. in truth, I did not expect to be here. I had planned to end things after the 22nd. it wasn't a concrete plan, I told myself to at least make it to that, and then it would be over. weird I can write that out with the knowledge that thousands of strangers hold the potential to see that, yet in my 22 years I have never uttered those words with conviction or soberly. I couldn't foresee a future and truthfully, selfishly I viewed that I had nothing left; that to keep going would not only prolong my misery, but be a burden to my family and friends. I write this all from a better mindset, one that has packaged away the meals I left at the table when the thoughts of hurting made me get up and try to put myself somewhere safe. isn't it harsh to be an enemy of your own mind. comical really, my mom spent 9 months and my ancestors spent centuries developing me into a tiny human that would survive and yet it seems the thing that wants to kill me is my own mind. how stupid. I recently was reminded of that decision, and was overcome by something. surprise almost. surprise that I remembered. it felt like I was recalling something an old friend told me. I laughed at myself. how could you be so pathetic, so attention seeking. but how could I be seeking attention if I told no one? maybe if I had a therapist they would tell me this. I would rather die than tell a therapist these things (haha). maybe its because I know the volatility of this state. it will be one week where I do not think I will see another Sunday, and then I am scheduling brunch.

why admit to something that will come back yes, but will also pass.

I wanted to celebrate what I believed to be one last birthday. I told myself to get through the trip, and return to instead, a week after it I was writing on here, still breathing. I think what I struggle with, is the longevity of my struggles. it is hard to say 'this too shall pass' when the seasons seem to have been passing for years. I saw a video recently recommending when you have these self inflicting thoughts to conjure an image of your younger self. picture saying these things to her, the video said. how could I? that girl said far much worse to herself. I hurt. I really hurt when I think of the elementary schooler who had to find one good thing a day to be her sign that she should keep going. I hurt when I think of her stupid dandelion wishes that floated away and she wished she would be okay. its like a stake in my heart to remember how she told herself in moments of panic and desperation that this was simply her brain developing, who poured into psychology looking for answers as to why her mind worked this way. she told herself that this was how all preteens thought, that once she went through puberty that the swarming thoughts would end but she would not. I am okay now, in some regard. I do not think I will ever truly be okay. I am making my peace with that.

[starburstfloat]

Thoughts on Honesty and Authenticity in Twenty Five Twenty One

(gotta let this out before ep 14 drops and I find a new topic to ramble about and analyze cause I'm in way too deep into this drama)

Okay, so:

What's so beautiful about Hee Do is that she embodies not just passion and perseverance but an unwavering commitment to being honest to herself.

During the first few episodes, she frequently argues with her mom, be it about pursuing fencing or feeling misunderstood. Yet she stands her ground (and idk about you but I wouldn't want to put up that many fights with this cold ass ice queen mom lmao).

Notice how during every conflict Hee Do has, she looks the other person straight in the eyes and tells how she feels, be it anger, sadness, or disappointment. She never backs down from being honest. Yi Jin's harmless chocolate prank that gets her so riled up is just one instance that firmly attests to this:

Or also after she admits why she's been avoiding him:

Yi Jin, on the other hand, has always learned to run away from conflict, adopted to him by his family running from creditors and scattering after the financial crisis.

While climbing the social ladder, he is consistently a people pleaser, always accommodating and bending over backwards. And he detests it because he knows it's unfair to himself.

Think about the company drinks scene when the boss keeps rubbing in that he's just a high school graduate and is oh so very lucky to be in this company, like he owes them. It's so fucking degrading but Yi Jin tries to cover it up with some humor:

But then the camera pans back to him and he is just a lonely mess of angry and sad at the same time because he's not living his authenticity.

And when he DOES stand up for himself, it's met with a backfire. The way he had to just stand there and take the berating of that stupid toxic producer guy because that's how company hierarchy just works hurt my heart.

He drinks to stop feeling or thinking too much. His honesty - his unfiltered exhaustion of the life of accommodating superiors and upholding professionalism in every corner of his life - tends to spew out of him when he's drunk and his mind can't repress his true feelings, like when his dad called and he asks him:

(the way he says this with so much defeat in his voice, like a part of him is dead inside got to me-)

This isn't to say it's a character flaw, it's moreso a reflection of how cruel the world can be, that he has to distance himself from his wants and needs to stay afloat and support himself and his family.

We see him grow increasingly more agitated and depressed at the situation. The only times he is authentically himself? When he's hanging out with the crew, and especially with Hee Do. Often, what he learns about honesty, he learns from her.

Episode 13 really highlights the rising tension in their different conflict resolution tactics: she wants him to be upfront and just say he doesn't want her if that's truly the case, whereas he wants to linger in a safe zone for a while longer, unsure of how to live out his feelings. Nothing is more evident of this than THIS exchange:

She counters this by calling bs - there's no such thing as people who are lucky to speak their truth and those that are unlucky. Luck has nothing to do with it: it's about affirming your feelings and speaking clearly, not tiptoeing around a topic to peacefully sail out the tension.

"do it right" bruhhh she isn't here to play, you go girl I fucking love her

So you can understand why it is beautiful to see them pull towards one another more and more.

Because being honest and loud and persevering in a world that wants nothing more than for you to be quiet, confined, and controlled is the true mark of coming of age. And finally, our two protagonists have met at the same level.

[taestefully-in-luv]

The Island | KTH (Nine)

Summary: You’re just two strangers waking up in a room on a lonely island where a company in the business of love has placed you. They believe that thanks to their in depth research you two are destined soulmates. What happens when your ‘soulmate’ and you want nothing to do with each other but falling in love is the only way to leave?

Pairing: Taehyung x Female reader

Genre: strangers to lovers, very slight enemies to lovers, soulmates au, roommate au, slow burn, fluff, smut, angst, slight crack, and drama.

Word Count: 9.3k

Warnings: swearing, sexual tension (?) mentions of sex, vaginal fingering, masturbation, cum eating, choking.

Notes: Sorry it’s late! But here is chapter 9! Next chapter things start to get interesting again hehe. Let me know if you want to be added to the taglist, or send an ask if just want to chat about the stories!:)

Taglist: @ggukkieland @707sblog @peacedreamer14 @dopedreamfireparty @taebae19 @typicalgenzworld @mooniyooni @helenazbmrskai @justinetingball @jpeachytaev @marplest @calling-dips-on-j-hope @lecavivien @fancycollectormoon @mawwnsterr @siredsong

© taestefully-in-luv

Previous --- Next

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Kim Taehyung, huh?” Ellie circles around the man like a god damn vulture. She inspects him carefully, her eyes raking his body over and over. “Yeah.” She stops, looks him up and down one more time and nods her head approvingly. “He’s hot as fuck.”

“Ellie…” you whine, “Can you please at least try to act normal?”

Ellie brings her cigarette to her lips, inhaling the poison before blowing it out. “Nah.”

Taehyung looks at you with wide eyes, his amused smile growing wide and taking over his face. His eyes then meet your sisters and he bows his head slightly and smirks to himself.

“Nice to meet you Ellie.” He gets out before you can say anything else.

“Mom’s going to hate this, you know?” Ellie takes another drag of her cigarette, “Going to Korea for 3 weeks? Taking a leave of absence from work? Dude going to another fucking country, girl you are crazy.” Ellie laughs, but she approves.

“Why do I even have to tell her?” you can’t help but pout. You admit your mother can be…something else.

“Are you serious y/n?” Ellie looks at you with pinched brows, “You went missing for 8 months and now you want to disappear for another 3 weeks? Without her knowing? Are you trying to kill her?”

“I guess you have a point—”

“—I’m meeting your parents, y/n.” Taehyung cuts in, walking closer to your side. You three are standing outside your apartment building where you two met Ellie. It’s the morning of Taehyung’s flight but he is missing it.

“You are what now?” you ask totally off guard.

“Ellie can you set up a time and place for us to meet them? I’m afraid y/n will try to make an excuse.” He sighs out, “Please.”

Ellie raises a brow, impressed at how straight forward Taehyung seems to be. She pulls out her phone and dials for your dad.

“Taehyung…” you look over at him and he only stares at you with hard eyes. He’s mad at you. As he should be, you think.

“I want to meet them, I think it is… important.” He breathes out, “Don’t you?”

You nibble on your lips as you think, you even mumble some nonsense Taehyung can’t understand before you finally nod your head.

“Okay.” You agree shyly, “If you want to.”

“You realize you will be meeting my parents too, right?” Taehyung walks closer to you, “And all of my friends.”

“What? Even Hana?” You snap, “Joy.”

“y/n…” Taehyung warns in a low voice. “Don’t be that way.”

“Don’t be that way?” You whisper shout, trying to keep your voice somewhat down so Ellie can’t hear you as well as she has her phone to her ear.

“Don’t be that way? You fucked another girl, Taehyung.”

“Is that fair, y/n? You had no intention of ever talking to me again.” Taehyung bites, “You are being so fucking unfair.” His eyes squeeze shut as he tries to calm down. “Fuck.”

Your eyes look up and you scan the sky. It’s cloudy today, almost looks like it could rain but it probably won’t. It just tricks you into thinking it might, kind of feels like your mood.

“Trouble in paradise already?” Ellie brings the phone down a bit to speak to you two. “Dad isn’t answering, I’ll try mom.” She says, bringing the phone back to her ear.

You huff out a short, frustrated breath as you nod your head towards your sister. You can’t even look at Taehyung right now, you feel betrayed over Hana but also you feel guilty because he is right. You are being so fucking unfair. And also this begs the question…did you have no intention of ever talking to him again?

You push that thought away as you stare at your sister, watching her expectantly as she waits for your mom to answer the phone.

“y/n.” Taehyung finally opens his eyes and gazes down at you, “Follow me.”

“Taehyung, no—”

“Now.” His voice expresses the deepest parts of the sea, the depth so intimidating. Your eyes slide to the side as you release a few shaky breaths. You mumble a weak ‘okay’ and follow him a few feet to the side, walking towards the stairs to your apartment building.

“Let’s try to get along.” He sighs, his hands at his sides until he’s reaching up to drag a hand down his tired face. “For both our sake’s.”

“Are you forcing yourself to be nice to me?” you ask, a bite in your tone and Taehyung looks down at you with his cold, intimidating stare.

“Mostly.” He comments plainly and you feel your heart pinch.

“Why even bother? Why force yourself if you hate me?” You find the courage to look into his eyes and he narrows his at you.

“I don’t hate you. I’m fucking pissed at you.” He begins, “I’m allowed to be hurt and act accordingly.” He breathes out heavily, “Don’t you think?” he challenges you.

“Okay, okay.” You roll your eyes. “I-“

“Don’t get a fucking attitude either, I’m the one who is mad here.” Taehyung crosses his arms over his chest. “If I were you I would be working on your apologies.”

You feel like a child being scolded and it infuriates you. He is treating you like a god damn kid and you can’t help but feel like you probably deserve it.

“Okay, Taehyung.” You slump your shoulders slightly, “I understand…”

Taehyung’s hand finds itself in your hair, his fingers sliding down to play with the ends.

“Good girl.” He praises with a smug smile.

You are upset but hearing him call you a good girl has your stomach doing flips. You two have barely touched the other since you have seen him, he has kept his distance and you are too nervous to make the first move. Last night he slept on your couch…yeah, he didn’t even want to sleep in the same bed as you. At least he stayed with you though and not that dingy hotel.

You can’t help but feel like the miles your home and his home had you apart feels like nothing compared to the distance between you two now. He says he loves you and wants to make this work but he can barely look at you and it is painfully obvious. He’s hurt, so hurt. He isn’t being shy about how hurt and disappointed he is and it’s hard to swallow.

Taehyung hasn’t made many attempts to be closer to you, in fact, it seems like he is going out of his way to not be close to you. Which only causes you to sink deeper and deeper into your hole of self-pity. Why did he say he wants this to work yet he is acting the way he is?

“I don’t hate you. I’m fucking pissed at you.” He begins, “I’m allowed to be hurt and act accordingly.” He breathes out heavily, “Don’t you think?”

Right. He has every right to be acting the way he is. He is allowed to be hurt and you shouldn’t turn this around to make yourself the victim here, when it’s clear here on who should be upset.

But the thought of Taehyung sleeping with someone who isn’t you makes you fucking furious but also depressed as hell. He couldn’t last 6 months without sticking his dick in someone else?

Then you remember that in his mind you had no intention of ever talking or seeing him again. Truthfully, you don’t know if he is wrong about that. It’s possible you really weren’t ever going to reach out. You’re the worst.

You don’t even know what Taehyung went through while being without you but the empty look in his dark, chocolate eyes tells you it was not pretty. He hasn’t opened up about it but it’s not like you two really have found the time or space to discuss. You have to respect the fact that he wants space, that he wants distance, that he wants to feel his emotions even if they are negative. He’s allowed to feel his emotions, y/n.

“Mom said her and dad can meet us down town at that one restaurant you like y/n…with the pretty drapes.” Ellie walks up to you and Taehyung. “They’ll be here this evening. Mom and dad are excited to meet you Taehyung.”

“Ah, really?” Taehyung asks Ellie while his gaze remains on you. “Me too.”

Ellie looks between you two and awkwardly nods her head. “Okay, I should get going but I will see you guys this evening.”

“Sounds good…” You respond to her, your eyes finally leaving Taehyung’s as you give your attention to you sister. “Send me a text when you are on your way to the restaurant.”

“Will do.” She leans in, hugging you quickly and leaving a kiss on your cheek. “See you two tonight.” She pulls back and faces Taehyung giving him a small wave then she if off to her car leaving you and Taehyung.

“Should we head inside?” you ask quietly, swinging your arms at your sides. “I can make you some pancakes?” you offer shyly and Taehyung frowns. Fucking frowns.

“I kind of ate pancakes almost every day,” He admits, “Oh!” he lights up, “Do you know how to make French toast?”

Your lips curve upward into a small smile, “Yes, Tae. I can make you some French toast, if that’s what you would rather have.”

“Let’s go inside.” He gestures towards the stairs and you follow closely behind him. You two walk down a hall until he is stopped at your front door, you run into his back and stumble back.

“Careful.” He whispers, “Don’t want you falling.” He reaches for the knob and opens the door, walking inside. You follow him, closing the door behind you and taking your shoes off.

~

“I knew yours would taste even better. You just have a way with breakfast food, did you know that?” Taehyung stuffs his face with another slice of the French toast you whipped up. You can’t help but giggle as you watch him, he looks so invested in this last piece of French toast like he wants to take his time with it so it’ll never end.

“Hey, my cooking elsewhere has improved!” you whine.

“When we get to Korea,” Taehyung begins, his eyes finding yours. “I want to show you some dishes I like and maybe we can learn to cook them together.”

“Mine will never be as good as your moms, let’s get that out there right now.” You laugh and Taehyung nods his head like he agrees with you, you playfully swat his arm across the table.

“But yours can be second best. Even if you aren’t any good, I’ll still eat it.” He grins at you and you roll your eyes.

“You’ll eat my bad cooking?”

“Only because I …” Taehyung’s grin gets wiped off his face before he can even finish that sentence. “Because I…love you.” He says more quietly, now avoiding your gaze.

“Right…” you feel your pinching heart want to give up on you, it hurts in your chest.

Taehyung looks at you, he doesn’t really know what to say at this point. He doesn’t know how to act like he wants to. He’s too hurt. But he has to try. Or else he isn’t sure what will come from the two of you.

“I do love you.” He sighs out, “So much.” He reaches across the table and takes your hand in his and he feels himself grow weaker and weaker. “But I do want to take this slow. We have a lot to learn about one another now that we are in reality again. We aren’t in our own bubble like how we were.”

You take your bottom lip between your teeth and start nibbling nervously. Take it slow how?

“Am I allowed to hug you? Kiss you?” you ask, almost ashamed that you had to ask something like that.

“I’m not feeling all too affectionate…” Taehyung admits softly, “But,” he bites his own lips as he looks down at your hands. “I could take a hug right now.”

You pull your hand away from his and draw it towards your body, you intertwine your fingers together in your lap and sigh out. Your eyes on your hands, your head hanging low.

“Are you sure?” you hear your voice crack and you want to disappear.

“Come here baby.” Taehyung stands from his chair and waits for you expectantly. “Come hug me.” He says, his voice nice and low like a hum.

You slowly rise from your chair and without looking at him you inch closer and closer until he’s pulling you in by the arms.

He hates this almost as much as you do. Maybe even more. He thought he would come here, find you and everything would be light and smooth but instead it has proven to be hard, harder than he imagined.

“Hug me back.” He orders softly, dragging your arms to wrap around his waist. “And hold me tightly.”

You circle your arms around his waist and walk closer until your head is being shoved into his chest. You can smell him like this, his scent filling your nostrils and creating a long, string of memories linked with his scent. Suddenly, you are recalling every moment you spent like this. Every moment you ever inhaled him, every moment you felt his scent linger on your own body.

You feel your chest tightening and your throat burning, you try to speak but you can’t. You’re too lost in the scent of Taehyung, too lost to think, your mind fuzzy and tricking you. It says he wants you, needs you, loves you. And you just don’t know how true that is. You feel your cheeks wet from the few tears that are now slipping out of your eyes, you sniffle into his chest and you feel Taehyung tense beneath you.

“Don’t cry.” He says as soft as he can, “Babe…” he starts rubbing your back, his large hand touching you in a way that makes you start to cry harder.

“y/n.” He then hugs you tighter, pulling you in impossibly close.

“I’m just so…so…sorry…” You choke out, sniffling harder now. Taehyung releases a long breath, closing his eyes as he pulls you in flush against him.

“I know…” he keeps his eyes closed as he thinks on what to say. But he comes up short, he just really doesn’t know what to tell you right now.

“You hate me.” You cry harder into his chest and Taehyung finally shoots his eyes open and begins shaking his head.

“I don’t hate you…” he breathes out, “I told you already. I’m just upset. And it’s going to take some time—”

“How much time?”

“y/n, I don’t know.” He bunches the material of your shirt in his hands as he tries to calm his frustrations. “I’m hurt. You really didn’t…you really were going to never talk to me again…like those 8 months we spent together meant nothing to you.”

“That’s not true.” You sob. “I think eventually—”

“When? 10 years from now? You think I would have waited forever?” he mutters.

“Apparently not. You couldn’t even wait 6 months to get your dick wet.” You pull back from him, your eyes puffy from the tears.

“Really y/n?” He steps back from you, “It didn’t mean anything. I was so fucking broken when that happened.”

“Oh? And her pussy was the glue to put you back?” you snap. You watch as Taehyung grows angry, the scowl on his face almost scaring you.

“You are the most unfair fucking person.” He spits out, “Yeah, I fucked Hana. But we aren’t like that, we’re just friends.”

“I don’t want you to be friends with a girl you’ve fucked!” you admit between bated breathes, “Who says it won’t happen again?”

“Me. I say that.” Taehyung growls, “I have no interest in Hana…I was…I was in a really dark place.” He tries to calm himself, “Really dark place.”

“How dark?” you ask, making him feel interrogated.

“Would go to sleep never wanting to wake up.” He says with a straight face and you feel yourself grow guilty. You did that to him. It’s your fault. How do you make up for that?

“Fuck.” You look down at your feet, “I’m so sorry Tae…”

“Doesn’t matter. What matters to me right now is that you understand I don’t want Hana. I obviously want you. I came all the way here to make this work with you.” He huffs out, his eyes boring holes into the top of your bowing head.

“Tell me you understand or it’s going to be that much more work to make this happen.” Taehyung steps closer to you, reaching for your hand.

“We have a lot to work through y/n. This isn’t the island anymore. This is both of our real lives and we’re intertwining them. At least I want to.” His thumb starts rubbing your skin and you feel yourself grow warm. You finally lift your head and gaze into his dark, dark eyes. He is staring at you with so much intensity that you automatically feel intimidated.

“Tell me you will be patient. Tell me you want this. Fuck, tell me you love me.” Taehyung keeps his deep voice low, but you can hear the frustration throughout his words.

“I love you.” You stumble forward until you are embracing him again. “I love you so much.” You begin to cry again, much more softly this time. “I will do anything to make sure this works Taehyung.”

Taehyung can’t help but smile a little, he places a kiss to the top of your head and he sniffs you. Same shampoo as what you had on the island. He feels his eyes sting a bit, the memories of the island beginning to haunt him.

“Anything?” he whispers and you nod your head frantically.

“Let my mom teach you how to make japchae. Then make it for me.”

“You’ll eat it even if it’s bad?”

“Even if it’s bad.”

~~~~~~~

“Very good to meet you, Taehyung.” Your mother drops her hand from his as she eyes him over. “You really spent every day with our y/n? For 8 months? Aren’t you tired of her?” she half jokes.

“I could never.” He replies smoothly. “And it’s also nice meeting you Mr. y/L/n” Taehyung reaches out to shake your dads hand when your father takes it but pulls him in for a tight hug.

“You took care of y/n all that time…” Your dad hugs Taehyung gratefully, taking a moment before he pulls back. “I can’t thank you enough.”

“She took care of me too.” Taehyung smiles as your dad pulls away from him. “Always made me breakfast.” He teases, stealing a glance at you. You are standing here next to him with an awkward smile on your face.

“It wasn’t much…” you say quietly. “Anyway, we should go get our table.”

“I got it!” Ellie comes up to you four, “Let’s go.”

You all follow Ellie to a table for 6. You guys occupy 5 of those spots, your mother uses the extra chair for her purse. The server sets down your menus and takes out his little notepad to take down your drink orders.

A sweet tea for your mother, a coke for your father, waters for both you and Taehyung and a vodka sprite for your sister. You give her a look of amusement before you stop your server from leaving and ordering your own spiked drink.

“Careful girls.” Your mother warns. “There’s no need to get drunk.”

“Oh its one drink mother.” You sister scoffs. “Plus I think y/n could use it.”

“And why is that?” Your dad suddenly becomes interested in your conversation. “Is everything okay? How is work going? Are you making friends?”

“It’s fine, it’s fine.” You wave him off, “It’s just…this dinner serves two purposes.” You admit, your eyes darting all across the room.

“Which are?” your mom narrows her eyes at you. “I know one is to meet your little boyfriend. But what’s the other?”

Boyfriend? Is Taehyung your boyfriend? You guys haven’t discussed it. You only said you two will make it work but what all does that mean?

“Well…” you begin to feel small under your mothers gaze. “I am….” You find it hard to gather the words and the courage to finish your sentence. You feel like the lights above you are too bright, too hot and causing you to sweat slightly.

Suddenly, you feel Taehyung’s large hand caressing and squeezing your thigh. Your head whips up to face him and he is already staring at you with a small smile.

“She’s coming back with me to Korea.” Taehyung states while he continues to look at you, finally, he turns his head to face your parents.

Your mother quite literally chokes on her spit, her eyes expanding twice their size as she looks at the two of you. Your dad rubs her back, trying to calm her.

“She’s what now?” You mother coughs out, “I don’t think I heard that right.”

Your sister looks between the four of you with a wide grin on her face.

“Oh mother dearest…” Elli sings out. “I think you did hear that right.”

“You’re …you’re moving to Korea?”

“Yes.” Ellie jumps in but you twist your head to look at her disapprovingly.

“No…no, just going to visit.” You finally find the courage to say. “For three weeks.”

Your mother scrunches her face up, a look of disappointment on her face.

“y/n. You just started a new job. Don’t you think this is rather irresponsible?”

“It’s only for three weeks darling.” Your dad finally says something. “Right y/n?”

You nibble on your bottom lip and nod your head a few times.

“For now.” Taehyung cuts in. His hand continues to rub your thigh and you hate to admit how much feeling his hand on your thigh makes you feel so good.

“Wait.” You snap out of your thoughts, “What do you mean ‘for now’, huh?”

Taehyung looks down at the table, about to respond to you when the server comes back with your drinks.

“Your tea mam…” the server sets down the tea in front of your mother and she barely reacts. She only blinks at you and Taehyung, her face gone pale.

“Yes, Taehyung.” She starts, “What do you mean for now?”

Taehyung opens his mouth but closes it just as quickly. He turns to face you and he awkwardly smiles.

“I feel like that’s something we have to talk about…just me and you.”

“If it’s something just us to discuss then why bring it up in front of my parents?” You grit out nervously.

“Right…sorry.” Taehyung mumbles, he reaches for his water that the server just set down. “You’re in this right?” He asks before taking a sip of his water. “With me?”

You blink at him a few times before glancing at your parents, they look at you with curiosity. Then your eyes find your sisters who is drinking her vodka sprite with a smug smile.

“Yeah y/n.” Ellie takes a few sips. “Are you in this?” Then you feel her kick your foot with hers.

“Y-Yes.” You say, a bit shy. But Taehyung finds himself relaxing.

“Then, for now.” He repeats himself from earlier, “One day we will live together, don’t you think? But don’t worry it’s up for debate where.”

“L-Live together?” you get out awkwardly.

“If you remember correctly y/n, it’s not like we haven’t lived together before.” He squeezes your thigh. “Don’t worry it’s something we will get to…slowly.”

You nod your head in understanding and face your parents. You exhale a deep breath and find your mothers eyes.

“I will be leaving tomorrow for 3 weeks. Taehyung and I…” Your eyes slide to your side where Taehyung is sitting. “We have a lot to work through. I’m sure you can be understanding of our situation.”

“Of course sweetheart.” Your dad smiles at you, but your mother is shaking her head.

“You didn’t even want to reach out to him? You think you can enter a relationship when you didn’t even want to talk to him?” Your mother snaps at you. She crushes the napkin in her fists as she speaks. “You can’t handle this y/n.” she looks at you with cold eyes.

“Mom—”

“She can.” Taehyung cuts in, “She is stronger than you give her credit for Mrs. y/l/n.”

Your mother scoffs at this, she throws her napkin in her lap and shakes her head.

“You don’t know her then. Taehyung.”

You feel yourself grow smaller and smaller as your mother continues to bash you. You try to even your breathing but her words carry weight.

“Jesus Christ, mother.” Ellie cuts in. “Do you even know the first thing there is to know about y/n?”

“I think I know my daughter well enough that when there is the first sign of something not working she runs away.”

“So what?” Taehyung growls. “So I am supposed to abandon her because she has personal shit to work through?”

“Tae…” you mumble weakly, “Let’s just go…”

Your sister finishes her drink and slams it down on the table, she looks at you with eyes on fire.

“Really y/n? Just going to prove her point like that?” Ellie hardens her expression as she stares at you waiting for your reply.

You feel weak. But your sister is right. You can’t let your mother win every time.

“Listen, you can agree or disagree but I am going.” You look your mother right in the eye. “I love him. And we have a lot to work through if we want this.” You say honestly. “So, whether you guys agree or not, I am going.”

“Of course we agree.” Your dad continues to rub your mothers back. “Your mom is just worried about you.”

“I’ll return home in three weeks.” You say confidently until you notice your mother’s eyes glossed over.

“Will you though? I thought I lost you. Now you want to disappear again.” Your mom says quietly. “He’s the reason you were gone for 8 months.” She points at Taehyung. “And now he wants to steal you away again.”

You pinch your brows together and try to breath evenly as your mom’s words sink in. She blames Taehyung for the island?

“It’s not his fault for the island mom…” you look between her and your sister, looking for answers. Ellie just shrugs.

“It doesn’t matter what I think, right?” your mother spits out. “Just do what you want y/n.”

“I will?” you say slowly. “That’s kind of the whole point.”

“You leave tomorrow?” Your father asks, still rubbing your mothers back.

“Flight is at 10 am.” You respond, “I promise I will be back.”

“She will come back.” Taehyung says softly, the guilt evident in his voice. “You can trust me to take care of her.”

“Okay, then that’s all settled!” Your dad claps his hands together. “Should we order some food? You kids get what you want, we’re paying tonight.”

~~~~

“Do you want to take a shower…with me?” Your timid voice shakes a little as you ask Taehyung if he wants to you know, fucking shower with you.

His eyes rake over your body, you are wearing just a towel and his eyes widen at the sight. Your skin looks so soft, so delectable. Your towel barely covering the entirety of your breasts and it doesn’t help how short it is, your thighs so exposed. Your hair falls over your shoulders and your collarbone begs to be kissed.

Taehyung shakes these thoughts from his mind and looks up at you from his spot on the couch.

“I can’t…” he says slowly, “I am serious about going slow.”

“You don’t have to fuck me.” You put it bluntly. “I just miss you. Want to be close to you.”

“You won’t tempt me?” he rises from the sofa. “The most you are allowed to touch me is washing my hair.” He states.

“Okay.” You agree quickly. “Come shower with me.” You reach for his hand and he immediately wraps his fingers around yours, making you get all warm and gooey inside.

“I missed you too.” He whispers, following you into the bathroom. “Missed you so much.”

You take a step away from him and gesture for him to take off his clothes. He raises a brow at you and lifts his hands up.

“Take my clothes off for me.” He lightly teases, “But don’t let your hands linger.”

You scoff, rolling your eyes but you do as he says. You pull his shirt over his head, tossing it to the floor and then your hands go to his pants. Your fingers quickly try to slide down his zipper and drag his jeans down leg by leg. He kicks them off to the side as you reach for the waistband of his briefs. You lick your lips as you slowly slide them down his legs, his cock springing free. He isn’t hard, not that hard at least, but his size is still impressive.

“Turn the water on babe.” He points towards the shower, “And lose the towel.”

You let the towel drop to the floor as you walk towards your shower, Taehyung watches your ass as you walk. He can’t help but bite down on his plump bottom lip, just watching you. He wishes he could take you by the hair, bend you over and fuck you for hours. But he’s afraid at this point the only sex he can have with you is angry, hate sex. And he wants his first time with you again to be full of love and nothing but.

“Make the water nice and warm.” He softly commands.

You twist the knob, making the water run in hot streams. It warms up quickly so you grab Taehyung’s hand and lead him into the shower.

The water stings a bit as it hits your back but you throw your head back anyway and let it wash over you fully.

“Shampoo.” You tell Taehyung and he is already squeezing it into his hand. You walk forward until you are touching Taehyung, chest to chest. He gulps when he feels your nipples grazing his skin.

“Close your eyes.” He commands. “I’m going to wash your hair now.” He massages your head tenderly, your hair turning into a soapy mess. “Rinse now.” He pushes you back until you are back under water.

This continues on, he rubs conditioner in your hair and then takes your washrag and pumps some body wash into it.

“Going to clean you.” He says lowly, “Is that okay?”

“Mhm.” You swallow down your nerves and agree to him touching you. First he moves your hair back and starts at your shoulders. He scrubs them slowly, the soap and water falling down your chest and your arms. Taehyung follows the soap, his eyes traveling all down your body.

“Have you lost weight?” he asks, slightly concerned.

You feel yourself blush.

“Maybe a little.”

“Why?”

“You weren’t the only one going through a hard time, Tae.”

Taehyung nods his head slowly, his hand lowering itself until he is scrubbing at your stomach. He watches all the bubbles form on your skin and he actually feels jealous over fucking bubbles. He gulps, thinking about how these bubbles get to slide down your stomach, how they get to travel down to your pussy.

“y/n…” Taehyung’s deep voice startles you, you are so lost in the way he cleans you. You feel yourself grow more and more frustrated by the way he touches you and you know it will go nowhere.

“Yes?” you say breathlessly. “What’s up?”

“I’m going to clean…” he clears his throat. “Everywhere.” He warns.

You feel your knees go weak at his words, you try your hardest not to rub your thighs together but you can’t help it.

“Okay.” You murmur.

Taehyung’s hands glides down your lower stomach, making you tense. Then his fingers find your pussy and he is rubbing his fingers over it, nice and slow.

“Did you fuck anyone else?” his low voice asks you.

“N-No.” you shake your head, your knees starting to shake from how weak you are.

Taehyung’s fingers find your clit and he starts rubbing it. You fall forward a little, your head resting on Taehyung’s shoulder as he feels you.

“You didn’t?” He asks again, his deep voice rumbling. “You’re sure?” He starts rubbing faster.

“I promise, Taehyung.” You moan into his shoulder. “You’re the only one I have been with.”

“Then I’ll reward you.” He whispers, “With my fingers.”

His fingers slide down to your hole and he inserts not one, but two fingers into your lonely, desperate cunt.

“Did you ever touch yourself?” he breathes out roughly. “And think of me?”

“Yes.” You pant, “All the time.”

His fingers start thrusting in and out of you quickly. They are so long, so beautiful. You have missed his fingers so much, it’s ridiculous.

“You only came to the thought me?” His breaths are erratic as he speaks. “Because for me, I only thought of you.”

“Yes Tae, yes.”

He finally adds in a third finger, making you feel fuller and fuller. He curls his fingers making you tense, he starts scissoring his fingers, they brush against your special spots and you groan out loud. There’s no way you are lasting another 30 seconds.

“Please let me touch you.” You start to beg, but Taehyung just thrusts his fingers in and out of you faster and harder.

“Please.” You beg again, you squeeze his shoulders with your hands. “I have missed you so much, need to touch you.”

“No.” Taehyung gets out roughly, “No…”

His other hands fingers finds your clit again and starts focusing his energy there, he rubs your clits so expertly that your knees finally give out on you as you start coming all over his hands.

“Ahhhh. Fuck,” your erratic breaths hit the skin of his shoulder as you come undone. “Fuck…” you bite down on his shoulder. Taehyung isn’t much better, his own breaths uneven.

“I don’t deserve you.” Taehyung whispers in your ear. “You’re too good for me.”

“I’m the one who is undeserving.” You admit softly as you steady your breaths. “Please tell me you will sleep with me tonight…in my bed, I mean.”

“Maybe.”

~

“Please come to bed with me, Tae.” You stand over him as he lays on the couch. “I promise to keep my hands to myself.”

“I don’t trust myself.” He says with his hands behind his head, eyes closed.

“Why are…why are you stopping yourself from being affectionate with me? Why wouldn’t you let me touch you?” you squat down next to him, your face now closer to his.

“Because I don’t deserve you. To be touched by you.” He says softly. “You didn’t sleep with anyone else.” He murmurs, “You stayed loyal to me, despite not knowing when you would see me. But I…” he opens his eyes, he turns his head to face you. “But I did.”

You feel your stomach twist and turn, your heart falling and falling deep into your lower stomach. Hana.

“Why did you do it?” You finally ask, “Why did you feel the need to sleep with her?”

“I was in a dark place, y/n.” Taehyung groans, “The girl I was in love with…am in love with…wanted nothing to do with me.” He looks at you with hard eyes.

“But I hate myself for it.” He admits, “I should have found you sooner, I should have—”

“Tae.” You cut him off before he gets too choked up. “Let’s talk properly. From the beginning.”

“The beginning?” he blinks at you. “Ah. The island. Our fight before we got separated.”

“Yes…” you sit down on the floor, crossing your legs. “I am so sorry. I loved you then just like how I love you now.” You take a deep breath. “My mom isn’t so wrong about me. I ran away when things got hard, or got complicated.” You chuckle bitterly. “But I didn’t think I would wake up and find you to be gone from me, my life.”

“I know…” Taehyung whispers.

“But…” you begin again, “It gives me a whole new appreciation for goodbyes. I should have never let us go to sleep like that, in the middle of a fight, and I will never let that happen again.”

“y/n…” He sits up from his place on the couch and pats the spot next to him, you get up and sit down on the sofa.

“I don’t think the company forced us to have feelings for one another. Because here I am in the real world, so ridiculously in love with you.” you say a bit quietly. “I should have trusted you. Trusted myself. I promise you Taehyung, I will never doubt you again. So tell me how you feel about me and I will believe every word…even if it isn’t all positive.”

Taehyung nods his head as he stares at his feet, his hand goes to your thigh and he starts rubbing it soothingly.

“I love you.” He says after a few moments of silence, “But I am still really hurt over everything. A big part of me keeps telling me you were never going to reach out. That part of me terrorizes me. It screams at me that you don’t actually love me.” He admits lowly, “But hearing you now…it helps.” He says, still rubbing your thigh. “I think I believe in you. Even if you don’t believe in yourself…I really think you would have reached out.” He tells himself more than you. “I have to believe that.” He closes his eyes and is silent for a few more moments.

“Taehyung—”

“Tell me I’m right.” He says desperately. “Just tell me I am right.”

“You’re right.” You say even if you aren’t so sure yourself. “You’re right, babe.”

“You know I don’t play games and I like for everything to be out in the open so I am going to tell you all of my intentions.” Taehyung opens his eyes to look at you.

“Okay.” You gulp.

“I love you and only you.” He begins. “I want this to work for the long run. I want you to meet my family, meet my friends and I want to see how everything goes.” He squeezes your knee. “I’m hoping the visit goes amazing so we can discuss the next steps.”

“Which are?”

“I don’t want to do long distance, y/n…” he brings his hand back to his own body, “I want to live closer to you. Even if that means I have to move here but honestly I think you will really like it in Korea…”

“You want to move together? Like, live together?”

“You already know we can do it. We make pretty good roommates.” He teases, bumping his shoulder into yours.

“Okay, true…”

“Then you realize the things that come after that right?” he says with a smirk on his face. “But first, let’s take these next three weeks as slow as possible. Let’s get to know one another all over again. To see if this really works outside the island.”

“Why do I feel like you are testing me?” you ask with a frown but Taehyung gives you a stern look and shakes his head.

“You’re technically testing me too.” He says, “We need to see if this works.”

“Okay, I get it.”

“I want to officially take you out. On a real date.” He whispers, “Would you like that?”

You feel your blush deepening on your face, your hand goes to your cheek just to feel how warm it is.

“Yes.” You mumble.

“Need to hear you loud and clear baby.”

“Yes.” You say a bit louder and Taehyung’s hand goes back to your thigh, he starts rubbing up and down your leg.

“That’s my good girl.” He leans in to kiss the side of your neck and you feel your whole body go tense under his lips touching your skin.

“Taehyung…” you moan out, closing your eyes. “I miss you.”

“I’m right here.” He whispers into your neck, placing another kiss then he leans away. “Go to bed.” His deep voice echoes.

“Come with me.”

“Not yet baby.”

You slump your shoulders in disappointment. Why is he being so difficult?

“Just to sleep.”

“I can’t control myself around you y/n. Please respect my decision.” He ushers you to stand him so he can lay back down on the couch. You stand up and hover over him for a moment.

“Can I kiss you goodnight?” you asks timidly. Taehyung gnaws on his lips before he is waving you off.

“Please just go to sleep.” He somewhat begs. “I’ll see you in the morning, make sure you’re all packed.”

~~~~~

You are nervous. Nervous as fuck, actually. You and Taehyung just arrived in Korea and even the air is different. You can’t believe you’re actually here, you can’t believe you really got on that plane and flew all the way to Taehyung’s home—the place you were so curious about when you first met him.

Taehyung seems different. Like, being home is showing a whole new side of him. He looks happy, giddy even. He holds your hand tightly as you both walk the streets with your luggage. You two got dropped off from your taxi a couple blocks away from his apartment so he could show you some shops he loves to go to.

“This bar here is quite popular between my friends and I.” he points at a little bar and you just nod your head.

“Looks nice.” You say with starry eyes. “Everything looks nice, actually.”

“We will be going there tomorrow night when we meet up with everyone. My friends-that is.” He squeezes your hand. “Tonight we can go to my parent’s house for dinner. How’s that sound?”

“Already?” you look down at your shoes as you walk. “I thought we could just relax today…”

“It’s like 8 in the morning. There’s plenty of time for a nap.” He comments nonchalantly. “Look, I’m just really excited for you to meet everyone. I understand though…if you want to take a few days…”

“No, no. It’s okay.” You shake your head, you two continue walking until he stops, making you stop.

“We’re here. My apartment.” He points up at the building and you take a deep breath.

“Are you going to make me sleep on the couch?” you half joke and he pulls you into his side, hugging you.

“I haven’t decided yet.” He teases.

You both walk up to his apartment and enter the small place—you say small, but it is bigger than your place and much nicer. How does Taehyung afford this?

“My parents help out…” he admits as if reading your mind. “That’s how I got such a nice place.”

“Ah I see. That’s great!”

“Ever since the island my dad has been super supportive of my music, always just wanting the best for me.” He grins sheepishly. “It’s different but it’s nice.”

“I’m happy for you…I can’t wait to meet your parents.” You place your suitcase and backpack down on the floor, Taehyung does the same.

“Let me give you a tour.” He smiles, taking your hand.

You follow him around as he shows you his apartment, you two take a moment longer in his bedroom. You slide your fingers against his beds blanket, and admire the art on his walls.

“Yes, you will be sleeping in here.” He huffs out dramatically, “I haven’t decided where I am sleeping though.”

“Take a nap with me…” you walk closer to him, wrapping your arms around his neck. “Just an innocent nap” you lean into him, your warm mouth at his ear. “Innocent, I promise.” You lean back a bit to see how pink Taehyung is becoming, his face flushing and his body tensing.

“No…” he stutters, “I can’t.” but he can’t help his own hands from wrapping around your waist. He pulls you in closer to his body and breathes you in. God, this is pure fucking torture. He can’t help the way his breathes become rougher, slightly uneven.

“Fuck…” he breathes out. “I want to kiss you so bad.” He says as he grows weaker and weaker in your grasp.

“Then kiss me, Tae.”

“Maybe our first date.” He teases, his hands going lower until they are gripping your hips. “Please tell me you’ll let me take you out this Friday?”

“I have to wait that long?”

“Only 4 days baby.”

“4 days too many.” You pout…”But you are worth the wait.” You lean up and kiss his cheek.

Taehyung slowly closes his eyes, the urge to kiss you stupid is strong. The urge to rip your clothes off and fuck you? Even stronger.

“y/n…” he warns. “Hurry up and take your nap. I’m going to let the guys know we made it,” he says, pulling out his phone.

You bite your lips while nodding your head in understanding. You pull away from Taehyung and pull off your shirt, and slip off your jeans.

“W-What are you doing?” Taehyung blushes as he watches you undress.

“Changing.” You shrug, you walk towards his drawers and open them up one by one, trying to find yourself one of his t shirts.

“You are really testing me, aren’t you?” he bites down on his bottom lip, his eyes scanning your exposed body. “You really want me to slip those panties off and fuck you silly?” he walks closer to you, putting his phone in his back pocket. He crosses his arms over his chest and eyes you.

“Keep going.” He orders. “Take off the rest of your clothes. Sleep in nothing but the t shirt.”

Your head snaps up to face him and you see how serious he is. You swallow down your spit as you reach behind you to unclasp your bra. It falls to the floor and you feel the cool air hardening your buds.

“Panties too.” Taehyung commands, “Take them off slowly though.”

You nod, your hands going to the waistband of your panties, you slowly drag one side down and then the other. You begin to slide them down one leg at a time when you hear Taehyung tsk.

“Slower.” He says sternly. “I said slow.”

You drag them down slower now, they are barely at your thighs when Taehyung takes long strides to meet you. He slaps your hands away and his own hands go to your underwear.

“Like this.” He begins showing you, “Nice and slow. Let the anticipation build.”

He slides them off you so fucking slowly, when they get to your knees he pauses, his eyes traveling up to your exposed pussy. He licks his drying lips and groans.

“I can smell you baby. You’re wet.”

You throw your head back, feeling embarrassed. You squeeze your thighs together when he starts dragging the panties down again. When they’re finally at your ankles, you kick them away.

“You got wet from something like this?” he quirks a brow at you, amusement written all over his face.

“I can’t help it Tae, I need you.”

“You are so greedy,” Taehyung walks closer to you, his fingers sliding up your arms. “You just had my fingers in the shower, now you already need more?”

“I’ll always need more until you let me have you.” You admit between bated breaths.

“Oh is that so?” he teases, his fingers traveling up towards your neck. His fingers wrap around your throat, he squeezes and walks you backwards until your body is against the wall.

“You want to come?” He squeezes your throat just a bit tighter.

“Yes.” You squeak out, you can’t help but swivel your hips.

“My greedy girl wants to come?” he asks again, his other hand gripping your hips. “Then come. Touch yourself.”

“T-Touch myself?” your eyes widen, “What do you mean?”

“Don’t play dumb baby, take your fingers and rub that clit for me.” He says while squeezing your throat lightly. You feel yourself grow more and more turned on. Your hand reaches down between your legs, and your fingers find your swollen, aching clit.

“How does that feel babe? To finally be touched?” he asks, his hand never leaving your throat as his other hand massages your hip. “I want you coming all over your fingers.”

You rub your clit faster and faster, you’re slowly closing your eyes when Taehyung squeezes your throat a bit harder.

“No.” he says. “You have to keep your eyes on me.”

You open them wider, you stare up at Taehyung, his gaze is dark and intense. Your lips part as you moan out, your whines and whimpers all directed towards Taehyung.

“Mm.” you moan, “Feels good, Tae.” You rub tight, focused circles on your little bundle of nerves, you quickly feel your high approaching. The entire situation making you feel so fucking turned on. Taehyung looks so fucked out as he watches you. His eyes glazed over in lust.

“You going to come?” he asks breathlessly. “Because of me?”

“Yes, yes, yes.” You pant out, “I’m so close.” You tense your whole body as waves of your orgasm begin crashing over you. Your fingers keep going as you ride it out and your head hits the wall as you finally finish.

Taehyung loosens his grip on your neck, and pulls you in for a hug. He brings your naked body to his and he inhales you. Before you can wrap your arms around him and hug him back, Taehyung is grabbing your hand and leading you towards the bed.

“Lay down.” He orders. “Now.”

You give Taehyung a look of question but you do as he says. You lay down on the bed and wait for him to instruct you further.

“Spread your legs.”

You do as he says, spreading your legs nice and wide. You don’t know what to expect though, you eye him curiously.

“Place your fingers at your pussy.” He continues to instruct you. “Yes, like that…now gather your juices for me baby.” He walks over, gets on the bed between your legs. He crawls up your body until his face is in front of your face.

“Get your fingers soaked for me.” He kisses the side of your neck.

You get your fingers nice and wet and you bring them up between your faces, showing him.

“Good. Now let me taste.” He says, “This is the only way I deserve to taste you.”

You frown at that, but you push your fingers past his lips nonetheless.

Taehyung’s eyes roll to the back of his head as his tongue swirls around your fingers, he can’t help but groan as he tastes you. You pull your fingers out of his warm mouth and gather more of your pussy juices. You then bring your fingers to his lips again, pushing past them so he can taste you again and again.

“How do I taste?” You breathe out, “Good?”

“My fucking favorite flavor.” He moans, “Taste yourself.” He commands, taking your hand in his, dipping it between your legs, so your fingers can gather your cum. Then he is bringing your hand back between your faces, and sticking your fingers in your mouth.

“Taste.” He orders quietly.

You lick up your fingers, moaning at your situation.

“I want you Taehyung.” You whisper desperately. “I need you.”

Taehyung bows his head down, breathing roughly at your words. He wants you too. He needs you too. But he still isn’t in the right place to fuck you. He wants this first time to be more than a fuck. He wants to make love to you. He also feels like he doesn’t deserve you now. He feels like shit.

“Not yet.” He breathes out harshly. “But maybe soon.” He struggles to find a steady breath.

“Taehyung…” you whine.

Taehyung rolls off your body, stands to his feet and grabs the t shirt you were going to use. He throws it over to you.

“Put this on and take your nap.” He says softly.

You listen, as usual. You pull the shirt over your head and through your arms and get up to clean yourself off.

Taehyung stands at his window, deep in thought. He wants you. He needs you. He loves you. He’s sure of all three of these things. But it’s too soon to think he has forgiven you isn’t it? It’s too soon to think he’s over it. He wants to be over it, of course. But he knows it is too soon to think he is.

“I guess I will take a nap now.” You announce your presence once again. You pull back Taehyung’s covers and slip inside the bed. The entire bed smells just like him. You pull the blanket to your nose and inhale it, you turn to your side and stuff your face in his pillow, inhaling that as well. Everything smells just like him. It makes you feel weak.

“Okay babe.”

You feel your eyes sting just a bit, the reality is Taehyung is still distancing himself from you. And that makes you feel small, makes you feel weak. You aren’t satisfied with anything. No attention he gives you feels like enough.

“Taehyung?” You call out for him, your voice small. “Will you stay with me until I fall asleep?”

Taehyung leans away from the window and walks over to his bed. He sits on the edge, just staring at you.

“Sure.”

You nod gratefully, you reach out for his hand and he gives it to you.

“This will be a perfect 3 weeks, I swear.” You promise to Taehyung. He feels his heart beating wildly in his chest.

“I know.” He responds in a whisper.

“You are going to fall even more in love with me.” Your voice cracks, your eyes filling with tears.

“I know.” He says quietly.

“You’re never going to want me to leave.”

“I know.”

“You are going to beg me to stay.” You choke on your words and he squeezes your hand.

“I know.”

And he is afraid of that…that he is going to beg you to stay but you will say no. You have your own life at your own home. He knows this is going to take work, he knows this is going to take time. He knows this. But fuck, he is ready to do everything with you. But he knows he needs to take it slow.

“You are going to be so in love with me by the end of this.” You silently cry.

Taehyung feels his heart pinch in his chest, he feels it struggling to find a beat. He knows this. He knows he is so in love with you and the more time he spends with you, it will grow. But do you feel the same? Do you really? You weren’t ever going to reach out, were you? He knows the answer deep down. The same thought fucking haunts him.

“I know.”

[friedloverherringfarm]

The loss of your cat Dear readers, losing your cat is devastating. Meanwhile some people don’t really understand that. Considering they may either never experienced it or they may have a rock as a heart. When our cat dies we can’t stop our tears because such an event we do not expect, we do not think of it, never. But it happens. Whether it was an accident, whether it was a disease. Animals can’t live as much as us humans. And it is a fact, we cannot hope it will live longer than it already has. And I am sorry, I know it is hard and dramatic and that you have your mindset that you were the cause of its death, I know that you feel responsible for what happened, I know exactly what you feel. I have experienced it and it is really devastating and it hurts more than anything, because we grew fond of them and we grew closer to each other every day. And actually I never let it go because there are moments that come out of the surface when I least expect it, reminding me of how much I cherished it. If there is something I regret is not spending more time with it even though we shared a room and a bed and the air together for 3 years. I regret not hugging her more, kissing her, telling her how much I loved her. The difference between me and my cat and others with their cat is that my cat didn’t come towards but I was, and even if I knew she didn’t like me to take her in my arms I still did it because I loved how warm she felt and soft her felt on my skin, and not to forget her smell, I really loved to kiss her on her head, sometimes even biting her cute ears while calling her sweetheart, it may sound a little bit cringe sorry I just really loved it. As well my hands and my shoulders were always scratched by it but I didn’t mind it as long it didn’t hurt to the point I’ll cry.  Even though my parents said to me to stop it scratches you because she hates you or something, I knew better than anyone she didn’t, she just needed to make sure she did not fall and I understood it. When it was scratching me it was never with hate and I could feel it. By the way, I got this cat as my seventeenth birthday gift. I was really happy because I really wanted a cat from a long time ago. And for the first time I fell in love with it, I wanted to take care of it and the feeling of protecting it was invading me. This is the moment I felt like I became a whole new person, I grew in myself a motherly affection and I really kept it until the very end. This cat not only brought me joy but also made me a better person, brought me confidence and love. Since I was in my first year of high school, I started to encounter hardships and was very depressed by my results and this little being just gave me the strength at the right time, helping me to seize myself, to not let myself fall. And already the next year I was getting better results. I was progressing because I had someone to keep company. Don’t get me wrong I had my parents by my side too but the real helper was my cat. And in my last year of high school, I may have been down many times because I still did encounter hardships at school but my cat always helped me, always made me feel better, the strength she gave me was amazing. Each day I felt and really did  felt she grew to love my company too which by the way the best feeling you can get. Finally the day, but before a week before, I was working hard because I had exams coming and my cat was by my side, all good. And the day before my exams, it happened. When  I was finally feeling that everything was working perfectly, even my relationship with my parents was doing really great, my revision was good too, I felt really confident actually and my cat grew closer to me. That day I was feeling happy, there always been days similar but not the same I had days when I felt maybe about seventeen percent happy but the rest I still had worries, though that day I had zero worries and I could imagine myself at ninety or ninety nine percent happy and this was truly a first since my careless childhood. But you know it when everything feels too right something bad happens. Just after I was finally revising for the last time, and went to have a sleep break along with my cat. After sometime my cat wants to go out so I wake up mid sleepy and open her the door. Usually I would take her in my arms, kiss her head while inhaling her smell and even calling her sweetheart and telling her at least once that I love her but that day I felt sleepy from the whole week of revision so I can’t forgive myself that I didn’t do it. Anyway I knew I would see her again later so I went back into my bed and fell dead asleep. After two minutes my heart just doesn't feel right but I don’t wake up. One hour later I wake up, I go downstairs to eat a sandwich and from the kitchen's window I see my mother talking to someone I don’t mind and keep eating. My mom comes to the kitchen and tells me with a sad tone “Sweetheart, I have bad news” my heart already starts to break and I ask her right away “What?” She tells me then that my cat died and that my neighbors happened to see it and they brought her to us liveless. I stood up from the chair and ran towards the garden throwing my sandwich on the grass, my mind was blank and I started to shout Where is she Where is she. My mom appears and points with a finger. I spot her, laying on the grass, not like she always does when she enjoys the sun but like a being lifeless. I’m breaking into tears. I can’t control my sadness. My baby, my happiness is gone. An hour ago I was sleeping alongside in my bed and then the next moment I saw it dead. I started to caress see if her paws wouldn’t move. Maybe she was still alive but nothing. Her eyes were open but she wasn’t answering even if I touched her tail. I knew she didn’t like it. After crying until I couldn’t anymore, I went to my parents and told them that we needed to bury her. I didn’t want her to be like the dead cats left on the left side of the road lifeless and starting to fade. My dad agreed to come with me, he is the one who made the hole and I was the one who put her in. First I said my farewells, I held her in my arms and told her how much I loved her and kissed her on her head for the last time. My hands trembling. I put her in the hole and left so my dad could bury her. The day I felt the happiest became the worst day of my life, I felt guilty for a long period and was completely at loss of appetite and everyday I would look at her pictures and saying each time “I will never forget you” The reason why I came to reveal everything here is because I don’t want people who experienced the same tragedy to feel lonely, I want to call a community that will warm up and help those people to regain strength bit by bit. At first it feels hard to reveal everything and every memory of it  hurts but trust me sometimes saying it out loud it heals you much more than hiding it in your room or under that fake smile you would put everyday so no one asks you what is the matter with you. I used to think that I would look powerless if I said it and if I expressed my sadness openly. It is alright to express our feelings. We are beings with emotions too. It is ok to feel you were responsible for its life and not to have accomplished that duty. But your mindset should be more like this: Did I do my best so it had everything she needed? Did I make good memories with it? It is alright to feel it is unfair. It is alright to want to hide from the world, I respect the decision you made because I was the same. The pain is growing and sometimes you will feel like there is no point in life though it isn’t true. You must come back! Don’t stay on the ground, you’ll catch a cold! Get up and find a way to express your feelings. Maybe sometimes you will feel like crying but you can shout, you can draw and tear that paper. You have the right to do it and no one has to tell you that you are only making a fuss for a dead cat because that cat was your everything and no one has the right to disapprove it. If you ever lose your temper in a way even yourself couldn't have imagined you could, there is something I know will change you and bring you back bit by bit. Trust me, it was my best remedy. It is called Passiflora, a plant documented with therapeutic properties, helping not only reducing stress but also helping with sleep problems, anxiety and depression.  Finally I hope I didn’t add more tears to your face but instead I hope I extended a little hand so you can reach it. I want to be the hand that makes you stand up from the cold ground. Please take care of you and remember to find you need to find again something or someone that you’ll want to protect. (Ps: Sorry if I made mistakes while writing this.)

[theycallmebeccawrites]

Chris & Ellie Series: Episode 25

Happy New Year’s Eve (and yes, I realize some of you are already in 2021, but I’m not.) Nothing like waiting until almost the last minute to get my promised new episode posted before the end of December. But success.

I’m currently on my lunch break, so I have to keep this short and sweet.

Thank you to everyone who has stuck with me as I’ve been writing this series. I truly appreciate each and everyone one of you. And shout out to my betas: @nomadicpixel​ @alievans007​ @heather-lynn​ and @mrs-captain-evans​ - you four are amazing cheerleaders and this story wouldn’t be what it is without you and your help.

♥Becca♥

Pairing: Chris Evans x Ellie Spencer (OFC)

Rating: PG-13

Warnings: n/a

Episode Summary: Chris returns to Los Angeles (and Ellie)... for real this time.

Disclaimer: This work of fiction is not to be reposted, used or translated without my permission.

This episode can also be read on AO3.

The Chris and Ellie series is primarily chronological. It begins with a flash forward to 2016 and has a few other scenes in the future. However, the majority of their story is told in chronological order starting in 2013 and going through 2017. Each episode starts with a date to help you place it within the story.

The Chris & Ellie Series Masterlist | Chris & Ellie Masterlist

Episode 24.5

Episode 25: Only Fools Rush In

December 5, 2014

Chris's house in Los Angeles was dark when the cab came to a stop in front of it in the early hours of the morning. The driver helped Chris get his luggage out of the trunk and then wished him a 'Merry Christmas' after Chris slipped him a tip.

As the cab drove away, Chris stared up at the big house, trying to block out the memories from that day in July when he'd seen Ellie and Pierre hugging. Now that he knew what had actually happened, he felt like a fool for jumping to conclusions.

He couldn’t bring himself to regret it. That rock bottom moment for him had been a catalyst. He'd finally gotten over the hurdles his mind created and was letting his heart take the lead on the whole Ellie dilemma. He owed it to them both to seek her out. He didn't know how it would go, but he was prepared to apologize and, if she wanted, walk away.

Taking a deep breath, he unlocked the door and carried his suitcases in. His eyes drifted up the stairs and he knew he should take them up to his bedroom, but he wasn't ready to go there yet. Instead, he dropped the suitcases at the bottom of the stairs then walked through the quiet house, taking everything in.

For some reason, Chris had expected everything to be different, but it all looked the same. The only thing that was noticeably different was the smell. The house didn't smell bad by any means, it just didn't smell like the light, fruity scent that he associated with Ellie.

It wasn't until he got to the kitchen that he noticed things missing, specifically Ellie's things. Like her ugly coffee cups that she insisted on keeping next to the coffeemaker so they were within easy reach first thing in the morning. His eyes then slid to the floor by the backdoor where Daisy's things had been. He missed her almost as much as he missed Ellie.

Taking a shaky breath, he started a pot of coffee, knowing it would be the only way he was going to make it through the day after taking a red eye flight from Boston to Los Angeles. While the coffee brewed, he grabbed a mug from the cupboard and then looked back at the coffee maker.

"I don't know why you keep them so far apart," Ellie's voice came back to him from a long-forgotten conversation. "It's silly. The coffee cups should be right above the coffee pot for easy access. Everyone knows that."

"You're right," he admitted out loud in his empty kitchen.

Trying to remember the other things Ellie had said to him over their time together, he opened the doors of all his cupboards and began reorganizing them. At first, it required a lot of thought, but once it got down to just putting things away, his mind started to wander.

It had been ten days since he'd learned the truth about what had happened in the driveway back in July. At first, he had been too overwhelmed by the information and hadn't been able to process it. Opening up to his mom about everything had helped, but that had just been step one.

The next step had been sorting through his feelings. He knew he was in love with Ellie. Months of long, lonely nights of introspection convinced him of that. But he also knew that his feelings weren't what was important right now. Ellie's feelings were all what mattered. Him being in love with her didn't mean a damn thing if she didn't feel the same way. Or worse, if she hated him and never wanted to see him again.

He'd tried to put on a brave face for Thanksgiving, but his heart hadn't really been in it. He'd gone through the motions, but not even a competitive game of Trivial Pursuit had pulled him out of his head.

His mom had given him until Saturday morning before she'd stepped in to help some more. Through a series of questions, like 'what are you thinking' and 'what are you planning to do', she helped him get through the quagmire that was his brain. The outcome of which had been him deciding to go back to Los Angeles to talk to Ellie.

The biggest question that had followed his decision had been when. Scott had gone back to LA Sunday morning, but Chris hadn't been ready yet. He'd wanted to come back with a game plan. Even if it all ended up a complete and utter failure.

"What are you doing?" Scott's voice came through the fog of Chris's brain, bringing him back to the present.

Shaking his head, Chris turned and found his brother standing at the top of the stairs to the basement. Seeing the confused expression on Scott's face, he took a step back and took in the reorganizing disaster that was his kitchen.

"Are you ok?" Scott asked, slowly. He'd known Chris was arriving this morning, but he hadn't expected to find his brother rearranging the kitchen when he came in from the guest house where he was now living.

"I'm fine," Chris assured him. "Just felt like reorganizing, I guess." He shrugged. "Ellie was always commenting on the silly places some things were stored and she was right." Stepping forward, he opened the cupboard over the coffee pot. "The mugs are here now. Above the coffee pot."

"You could have just moved the coffee pot," Scott said with a stifled yawn.

"I could have, but it makes sense for the coffee pot, coffee and coffee cups to all be in one area," Chris explained. "Speaking of which, I made coffee. You want some?"

"Shouldn't you be fighting jet lag or something?" his brother asked.

"I slept on the plane," Chris replied with a shrug. "And I've had two cups of coffee this morning. I'll sleep later."

"In your bedroom or in one of the guestrooms?" Scott asked, cautiously. He knew coming back to the house was a big first step for Chris, but he didn't think his brother was fully prepared for the onslaught of memories that the house would bring. Seeing Chris tense at his question, Scott pressed on. "Have you been upstairs yet?"

"I couldn't go upstairs," Chris admitted, softly. The bedroom held so many memories for himself and Ellie but was also the place that his worst memory with her had happened.

"Want me to go with you?" Scott offered. He'd walked by Ellie's side during the aftermath of the breakup and now that his brother was forced to deal with it himself, he could help him, too.

"Will you help me with the kitchen first?" Chris asked, gesturing to the stuff that was still on the counters to put away.

Knowing his brother needed to mentally prepare himself to go upstairs, Scott helped him finish reorganizing the kitchen. He didn't want to admit it out loud, but some of the changes really did make sense. Others, he knew would drive Ellie crazy. Which made him want to take a picture and send it to her, but he resisted the urge. She didn't know Chris was back in town yet and he didn't want to be the one to tell her.

After the last cabinet door closed, Scott expected Chris to come up with a reason not to go upstairs, but his brother surprised him by leading him out of the kitchen.

"Are you ready for this?" Scott asked as he picked up two of Chris's suitcases.

"Not really, but it's not like I have much choice, is it?" Chris asked as he grabbed his other suitcase.

"It'll be ok, you'll see," Scott assured him. "The cleaning lady was here yesterday and she made the bed for you and cleaned the bathroom."

Leading Chris up the stairs, Scott waited for him at the bedroom door. He knew his brother needed to be the one to open the door to fully cement his current reality. Afterall, the last time Chris had been in the room, Ellie had been peacefully sleeping in the bed and it had been April.

"You got this," Scott encouraged as they stood outside the closed bedroom door.

Turning the handle, Chris pushed the door open and found the room just as it had always been when he came home from a long time away. It was both comforting and depressing.

He forced himself to take a step into the room and then another until he reached the bed. He dropped his suitcase onto it and Scott did the same with the other two.

Turning to survey the room, he saw the two neatly stacked piles of clothes on the dresser by the bedroom door. He recognized some of the sweatshirts that Ellie had borrowed from him, but others were just clothes he had worn during the days leading up to his early departure.

Sucking in a breath, he turned his attention to the closet. Crossing the room, he opened the door and was taken aback at the chaotic state of it. He knew he'd packed in a rush, but he hadn't realized he'd left it in such a state.

"I told the housekeeper not to clean it up," Scott said from behind him. "I thought you needed to see the way you left things."

"I hadn't realized," Chris whispered as he felt pressure building in his chest. He could only imagine how shocked and hurt Ellie had been when she'd seen the room. "I really fucked up."

"You did," Scott agreed. There was no reason to sugar coat things anymore. At the same time, he could feel the anxiety radiating off his brother. Reaching over, he put his hand on Chris's shoulder and squeezed. "You're here now. That's what's important."

Turning to look at his brother, Chris felt the weight of the last eight months on his shoulders. Not only had he lost Ellie, but he'd effectively lost his own brother, too. Both because of his own stupidity.

"I'm sorry for being a jackass," he told Scott.

"I know you are and I forgive you," Scott replied with a smile. "I'll try not to rub it in your face. Too much anyway."

Chris rolled his eyes and pulled his brother in for a hug.

"So what's your plan?" Scott asked, once they'd parted.

"I'm going to go talk to her," Chris told him. 

"You mean call her, right?" Scott responded. The idea of Chris just showing up at Ellie's apartment left him uneasy. Assuming his brother knew where she lived.

"No, I'm going to go find her and talk to her," Chris replied with a shake of his head. "We both know I'm eight months too late to just call her like everything is fine between us."

"You can't just show up, Chris," Scott insisted. "You should give her some sort of warning that you're wanting to fix things. A phone call would be the best way to do that."

"That's assuming she hasn't blocked my number," Chris pointed out. "And on the off chance she hasn't, who says she would even answer the call? Or that she won't hang up when she realizes I'm the one calling?"

"She hasn't and she won't," Scott assured him. He knew Ellie hadn't blocked or deleted Chris's number because he'd looked when he'd seen her the other day. As for the second part, he was certain that she would answer the phone for Chris. If only to make sure that everyone was ok.

"I have to talk to her in person," Chris stated in a tone of finality. "Even if it's just to tell her I'm sorry."

Scott sighed, but nodded his head, as if giving his permission, which meant a lot to Chris. He knew that Scott and Ellie had gotten closer during his absence and Scott had been there for her. Oddly enough, he even appreciated the balancing act his brother was doing to protect Ellie but also help him.

"I don't suppose you'd give me her address," Chris asked, hesitantly. He didn't want to cause problems between his brother and Ellie, especially if things didn't work out for the two of them, but it was worth a try.

"I don't know her address," Scott replied. It wasn't a lie, exactly. He didn't know the address of her apartment or even the address of the bookstore. He could tell Chris where Ellie's apartment was, but he didn't want Chris to catch Ellie off guard. Like his brother, she needed time to process things and having Chris just show up on her doorstep would not be ideal.

"Then I guess I'll start at the bookstore," Chris reasoned. "That's where I was planning to start anyway." He frowned as a thought crossed his mind. "She still works at the bookstore, right?"

"Yes," Scott told him, making a mental note to call the bookstore when he had the chance to give them a heads up. "They have later hours right now because of the holidays. You'll probably want to go on Monday. That tends to be their slow day, though with Christmas right around the corner, that might be different."

"I'm going tonight," Chris stated. "And I knew about the later hours, I saw it on their website. I plan on getting there right before closing time."

"Oh," Scott said, hoping his voice sounded calm despite the panic that Chris's words had caused. Then he remembered that Ellie wasn't working that night. He couldn't remember exactly what she was doing, but he thought it had to do with the afterschool program she'd been helping with. Possibly a Christmas party? Whatever it was didn't matter. All that mattered was that someone else would be at the bookstore and she would get a heads up that Chris was looking for her before they met. He wondered if Ellie would believe him if he sent her a text in the morning saying that Chris had shown up at the house.

"... and that's my plan," Chris's voice trailed off.

Scott blinked and then coughed awkwardly as he realized he'd missed Chris's plans while panicking. "Uh, sounds like you have it all planned out then," he said, hoping his voice didn't give anything away.

"Yeah, I guess," Chris replied, nodding, his mind on his plan. He'd spent hours formulating it and it was almost time to put it into action. He took a deep breath and turned his attention back to the disaster that was his closet. "I suppose I should deal with this."

"Good idea," Scott said, his mind on making the phone call. "I'll let you do that. I need to go make a phone call anyway."

It wasn't until Scott had left that Chris felt the weight of the pressure he'd succumbed to the night he'd walked away. Unlike that night, however, his heart was able to push past his chaotic thoughts. Starting with the overturned hamper, he picked it up, thankful that someone had taken care of the dirty clothes that had been in there.

It took him a couple hours to get everything picked up and the clothes from his suitcases put away. The hardest part of it all had been the sweatshirts that Ellie had borrowed from him. He smelled each one, hoping they'd still smell like her, but they didn't.

Around two in the afternoon, he gave in to the mental and physical exhaustion he was feeling and laid down for a nap. He slept for a couple of hours and woke up feeling a little groggy, but also recharged.

Hearing his stomach growl, he made his way downstairs and found the house empty. Going into the kitchen, it took him a few minutes to remember where he had moved things to in the kitchen, but eventually he had what he needed to make himself a sandwich.

With hours to kill, he thought about going downstairs to watch tv, but he wasn't sure he was ready for that. At least, not on his own. The basement, even more so than his bedroom, held so many memories for himself and Ellie. It was where they had built their friendship and where it had grown to be more.

Instead, he went back upstairs to take a shower before trying to figure out what to wear. All black seemed too dramatic, but he didn't feel right wearing anything she'd told him she loved seeing him wear. The goal of tonight was for her to see that he was back in town and for him to at least apologize to her. He hoped that she would give him a couple minutes to explain things, but he didn't want to push her to do anything she wasn't comfortable with.

He spent the remaining time going over every aspect of his plan. He purposely hadn't written down what he wanted to say, because he didn't want it to sound rehearsed, but he had a general idea. If all went well, Ellie would be at the shop when he got there and then he'd either talk to her or make plans to talk to her another time.

He felt nervous, but oddly calm at the same time. He was as ready as he'd ever be.

With two hours until closing time, he left the house and made his way to the Los Angeles neighborhood that the bookstore was in. He gave himself more than enough time to get there, not wanting to risk getting stuck in traffic and getting there after they closed for the night.

As it was, he got there a good forty-five minutes before closing time and stopped for coffee before finding a parking spot in front of the shop. He sipped his coffee as he waited, mentally going over everything he wanted to say to Ellie. Assuming she let him talk and didn't run him out of the shop.

With five minutes left until closing time, Chris got out of the car and made his way to the shop. The bells jingled above his head as he came inside.

"We're closing in -" A friendly voice started to say before switching to a less friendly one when he came into sight. "Oh. It's you."

Even though he'd never met Veronica, the shop owner, he knew that was exactly who the middle aged woman was. "You know who I am?" he asked, hesitantly.

"You're Ellie's actor," the woman replied, pursing her lips. "I'd heard you were in town."

"Scott," Chris said, suddenly feeling annoyed with his brother. Obviously that had been the mysterious phone call he'd had to make. "Look, I'm just -"

"I know you're trying to find Ellie," Veronica interrupted him. "Go sit in the break room. I'll be with you in a minute."

Confused, Chris followed her directions and made his way into the break room. It was as he stepped into the back room that he picked up on a familiar scent that rocked him to his core. Ellie had been here or maybe her scent was just imprinted on the place since she worked here. He hadn't realized just how much he'd missed the smell until now.

"I dated an actor once," Veronica's voice said from behind him.

Chris turned to face her, waiting for a clue as to how it applied to himself and Ellie.

"It was the worst experience of my life," Veronica continued. "He was the vainest man I'd ever met, in the end. At first, he treated me like a queen. Taking me to parties and events with other famous people. Then something changed and it became hell for me. It's been thirty years and I still can't say one nice thing about him."

"I'm sorry you went through that," he said, still confused. "But you're right, Hollywood is filled with some pompous assholes."

"And are you one of them?" she asked pointedly.

"No," he said, shaking his head. "I will admit that I let Hollywood and fame in general get to my head when I was in my twenties, but that's not who I am anymore or who I want to be."

"Ellie and your brother would agree to that, I know," Veronica told him. "Which is the only reason you are in the break room right now and not standing outside."

As she crossed her arms and leveled a protective look at him, Chris realized what was happening. His brother had obviously clued her into the fact that he was back to talk to Ellie, but Veronica had taken it a step farther, wanting to protect Ellie from anymore heartache if she could.

"I fucked up," he said, simply. Obviously, he had mentally prepared to talk to Ellie, not her boss, but if he had to play hardball to get the chance to talk to her, he'd do it. "And I hurt her in the process and I regret that."

"Now you're back," Veronica stated, visually unswayed by his words.

"Now I'm back," he confirmed. "I don't know if I can fix things, but I want to try. If she'll let me."

"And if she won't?" Veronica pressed.

"Then I walk away. Forever," Chris promised. Squaring his shoulders, he added, "I'm not here to tell her I love her. I'm not saying I don't, but I know that my words aren't worth shit to her, to you, to anyone who knew about our relationship."

Veronica's eyebrows rose at his confession, but she didn't interrupt.

"I just need a chance to talk to her," he continued. "My brother wanted me to call her, but I know this conversation has to happen in person. It's been too long for it to happen any other way."

As if triggered by the word 'call', Veronica's phone started to ring. He saw her take it out of her pocket and saw the look of surprise that crossed her face.

"Excuse me for a minute," she said before disappearing into a private office and closing the door.

Sighing, Chris sank down into a chair at the table. Dealing with an overprotective boss was not something he had planned. Let alone his brother tipping off said boss. That said, he was happy that Ellie had people looking out for her.

Hearing the door open, he saw Veronica putting on a coat.

"Mr. Evans, you are lucky that I believe in fate," she told him as she turned off the lights in the office. "I assume you brought your car?"

"Uh, yes," he replied, more confused than ever, as he stood up.

"Good, Ellie needs us," she told him. "I'll let you drive."

"Is she ok?" he asked as he followed Veronica out of the building via the door in the alley.

"She's fine, but Santa just called saying he was going to the ER for appendicitis," Veronica explained as she locked up. 

"Santa?" Chris repeated. What the hell was she even talking about?

"The costume should fit you," Veronica continued as if not hearing him. She led him down the alley and to the street.

"Wait? You want me to dress up as Santa?" Chris said, finally catching up. Sort of.

"Yes," Veronica replied, turning to look at him. "Unless everything you said in the break room was a lie."

"It wasn't," he said firmly, finally knowing something for certain.

"Good." Veronica nodded as they reached his car, the only one parked in front of the bookstore. "The community center is a ten minute drive from here. We'll need to hurry though. The kids are expecting Santa and Mrs. Claus to hand out presents."

Head still spinning in confusion, Chris followed her directions to the community center. Then found himself ushered down a dark hallway to an office.

"Your costume is in there," Veronica told him. She opened a door and all but pushed him inside.

Mind still trying to catch up with what was going on, it took Chris a minute to see the Santa costume hanging on a coat hook. Still not sure what this all had to do with Ellie, he grabbed the red, fake velvet pants and was in the process of pulling them on over his jeans when the door suddenly opened.

Glancing over his shoulder, he saw a woman dressed as Mrs. Claus come into the room. Her costume consisted of a red velour dress that matched Santa’s costume, a white curly wig and a pair of fake glasses.

Glasses that circled eyes he knew very well.

Eyes that widened when they saw him standing there. 

"Chris," Ellie said in a tone of disbelief.

Episode 26

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[glitxhwayventeen]

Lonely Hearts Club

Seokmin: Chapter 3 (I Wanna Know)

Characters: Seokmin x female reader

Genre/Warnings: multi-member au (different scenarios), werewolf au, fantasy, angst, fluff, genocide mentions, runaways, mental illness (depression implied), sexual mentions, crying, mentions of death, mentions of violence. Any others will be put as warnings when future chapters are thought up/written.

Author’s Note: Your girl is in some serious fucking pain but she managed to get another chapter out because she couldn’t sleep! So low and behold, I give you a decent chapter for DK

Please remember that all of these chapters and the content within them are a work of fiction! They’re just for fun/entertainment!

Bold= Dialogue Italics= Thoughts

🥀 & ☁️

Lonely Hearts Club Master List

Chapter 3: I Wanna Know

You were in heat for a few more days. Seokmin stayed with you the whole time and took care of… your every need. Though he looked worn out, he didn’t complain once. He liked that you let him help you. And he was hoping now that your heat was over, you’d let him in a bit more.

Your legs felt like jello, your hair looked like a birds nest, your skin was covered in variously healed bruises. You were a mess. But it was still time to go back to the pack. You made a promise and you always followed through with your promises, even if you were in a horny induced daze when you made it. You were just hoping they wouldn’t know, or at least, wouldn’t make a big deal out of what had happened.

Seokmin helped get you back to your feet and get dressed, putting your arms through your tank top and putting you in your shorts one leg at a time. He had already managed to get himself together as he had woken up earlier than you had. He figured you’d be in worse shape than him after everything… everything you’d been through and he wanted to be sure you were as okay as possible before you started your journey back home.

“There we go, all done!” He chirped after finally buttoning the last button on your jean shorts.

He took a step back to look at you. Aside from the bruises, you physically looked pretty normal now that he had helped you tame your ridiculously tangled hair. But he knew the pack was gonna smell you. You smelled like him from the week of animalistic sex sessions you two had been having due to your heat. It was unavoidable. He knew they’d all know you two slept together the second you walked through the door. He just wasn’t sure how you’d react to their inevitable and unavoidable teasing.

You quickly looked down after you had seen your reflection in one of your buckets of water, “I look like a walking disaster.” You muttered.

“It’s not THAT bad…,” He failed miserably at reassuring you, “But it doesn’t matter anyways, we’re mates. It doesn’t matter if we slept together or not. We would have eventually anyways” Seokmin tried to reason, bringing himself to walk up to you and hold your small hands in his large ones hesitantly.

“They’re all gonna make fun of me.” You pouted at him, looking down at your feet and smiling a bit in embarrassment.

You had never really taken the time to look at him before your whole mating fiasco happened. You had done literally everything in your power to avoid him at all costs so you wouldn’t catch feelings for him. But now that you had spent a good portion of time alone with him, you realized just how much bigger than you Seokmin was. He always seemed so… subservient around the pack that you never really gave his physical appearance much thought when it came to size. He must’ve been almost a foot taller than you, and now that you had seen him shirtless and naked, you also knew just how much muscle he actually had. He was MUCH larger than you had thought. Even his feet looked like they could crush yours with one fast stomp.

He held back a giggle at your cuteness before he spoke up, “They won’t make fun of yoooou. Especially because you could EASILY beat most of them to a bloody pulp with your special wolfie powers and all.”

“Aya! They’re not special ‘wolfie powers.’ They’re just my normal powers. And it’s not my fault you guys are more diluted forms than me.” You chuckled, playfully smacking his toned chest with your hand.

He cocked his head to the side at your statement, “Is that how it works? The longer the line the less of a wolf you are?” He asked curiously while bringing the back of your hand up to his lips and giving it a chaste kiss.

You almost laughed out loud at his question before you remembered that he didn’t grow up with other werewolves. He was a bitten wolf, not genetically a wolf. You remembered that Seungcheol had told you that no one in his family had ever been a wolf before him. He probably had no clue how it all worked, especially since his pack wasn’t always the best help when it came to educating each other on important matters. You felt a little guilty for thinking he was just being sort of dumb. It wasn’t his fault he didn’t know anything about it. So you held back your little outburst and nodded instead.

“Yeah basically. I mean, most genetic lines now can still obviously transform, but they’re still not…” You tapped your chin with your index finger for a moment while thinking of the correct words to explain what you meant, “As much of a wolf as me.” You decided.

Your mate was watching you intensely, listening to every word you said closely, as if he was learning the most important information he’d ever need to know,“I’m honestly probably more wolf than I am human. But most modern day wolves are more human than wolf, that’s why it’s relatively easy for them to assimilate into human societies and blend in.” You informed him, the both of you gathering the rest of your things and making your way out the cave to the path leading back to the forest.

“But hiding our eyes isn’t always easy!” He interjected with enthusiasm you found oddly cute, “If we get too emotional, the potions disintegrate and our real eye color shows. So it’s not really SUPER simple with us.” Seokmin responded, grabbing your hand closest to him and interlocking your fingers.

For a moment, you wanted to pull away from him and push him for initiating the sudden contact. But you also promised him that you’d give him a chance and that you’d try to be the best mate to him that you could be. Plus, the warmth of his hand felt… kind of nice on yours. So you kept your hands together, giving his fingers an involuntary squeeze that made Seokmin’s face light up.

“I suppose you’re right. But really, as long as a wolf can keep their shit together, they can seem very human. When my people were still around, we were very obviously NOT human. We couldn’t be even if we had tried.” You casually let out, skipping over a large rock in your way.

“What were your people like?” He questioned, genuinely wanting to know what your life was like before you lost everything. His pack had tried to ask you before, but you’d always clam up and make up some excuse to leave the conversations. He was hoping with it just being the two of you, you might actually be okay with sharing some more personal information with him.

You waited a moment before you spoke up. What WERE your people like? It had been so long that you hardly even remembered anythings about them. You usually tried to push away all the thoughts of them because remembering all you lost hurt too much. But when he asked you the question, it was like everything came rushing back to you all at once.

Your family, your tribe, your traditions. You remembered how the tribal elders used to let you sit in on council meetings because your father insisted you needed to know everything there was to know about running the tribe. It made you feel so important when he did that, like you were his pride and joy. You thought about all the times you had sat next to your mom as she cooked up potions and remedies in her old stone cauldron for the healer to use on the sick and injured. She always cared so much about everything and everyone around her, you always loved to help her help people. And you could all but see your 11 big goofball brothers running up to you holding their latest hunting prizes with the most giant toothy grins they could muster. Those dumbasses, they always made the most of life. You missed them so fucking much.

Everything started swirling around your head and it made a huge smile appear on your face with watery eyes at the thought of your early life. Seokmin took notice and felt a bit proud of himself that he had made you that happy, you had never beamed a smile that big before in front of him or his pack.

“My people… they were… they were just-” You paused, “They were just the most amazing family a person could ever ask for.” You started, wiping away a sudden tear that had fallen down the side of your face from the memory of them, hopefully before your mate could notice. Of course, he still saw, but he said nothing because he knew it would upset you.

“They were always just sooooo happy. I remember every night was basically like a huge party. We’d all dance and sing around the campfire, there’d be elders telling stories and offering the young words of wisdom while the parents would scold us for interrupting anytime anything got cool or surprising.” You sadly laughed, “We were all just… one big happy family. Even if I wasn’t actually related to all of them. I can’t really explain the connection I felt to them… it was just as strong as the one I had to my biological family.” You sighed, finally reaching the edge of the forest and finding the proper trail for the both of you to set towards home.

He could hear the pain in your voice as you spoke of your past life. You must’ve really missed them. But there were so many questions he still had. What about your actual family? Did you have brothers or sisters? What kind of life did you have? How did you sleep or eat? Where did you come from? But he knew he shouldn’t ask so many at once, he didn’t want to overwhelm you or hound you with his thoughts all at once. So instead, he asked just one question he knew he should probably know the answer to: “What- What happened to them?”

His words made you halt your movements for a second. Remembering that day wasn’t something you liked to do. In fact, you went to great lengths to avoid the memory. It haunted everything you did. Every minute of everyday was plagued with the thought of their demise. You had nightmares every night. You saw their hallowed faces in every person you met. You smelt ash and burnt flesh more than you smelt anything else. Their screams were still stuck to your mind like gum on the bottom of a shoe. It tore you apart to think of it. But still, you knew he deserved to know. You’d want to know if you were him.

“They were… they were massacred.” You sadly shrugged, biting your lip to keep yourself from letting sobs out. He stroked your hand in his in an effort to soothe your sad soul. You took comfort in his small affectionate touch, it grounded you and pulled your tortured mind back down to the conversation you were having.

You took in a deep breath, “It was just any other day, at least, to me it was,” you gulped before you continued, “I was helping my mom with some new herbal remedies for some of our sick warriors when suddenly we heard this loud BANG. My mom wasn’t a wolf, in fact, back then no female was. Well, no female but me that is, but that’s beside the point,” you shook your head and tried to get yourself back on the topic at hand.

“I could feel the vibration under my feet. It was a cannon, but we didn’t know that then. They weren’t really used in our part of the world, they’d freeze in the cold weather and couldn’t always light at the altitude that my village was set on. But somehow, the Cossacks found a way to make them work… they always found a way…” you stated flatly, looking up to the sky out of respect for your fallen family.

“They were upset that my pack had killed some of their soldiers that had hurt a group of women in a neighboring tribe. So they punished us the only way they knew how: by brutally murdering everyone and setting everything they could on fire. Fire’s one of the few ways Icyan wolves can actually be killed. They killed almost everybody. As far as I know, Cyrus and me were the only ones who got out.” You swallowed back the lump stuck in your throat as you and Seokmin continued onward to your destination.

Now this question really worried him, he wasn’t sure if he even wanted answers to it. But he, again, wanted to know more about you and how you got to him. He’d figure it out eventually, might as well try to get it out of you today while he had you going already.

“Can you- can you tell me a bit about him…?” He almost whispered, afraid to say it any louder as he didn’t want to upset you.

“W-What?” You asked for clarification.

“I- I Wanna Know more about… him… Can you tell me about him?” Seokmin stuttered out. He was still unsure if he should’ve said it to begin with, but he couldn’t help it. He had to know more about the man who had you crying constantly over him.

You turned your head to look at him, “About who? Cyrus?” A bit of fear crossed your face as you attempted to confirm what he asked.

“Y-Yeah. He was your mate. And Jun kind of explained what you told him had happened to him the other day, but I don’t know much about him. Like how you two got out. Or why he died…” He looked you in the eyes and say that tears and immense sadness had began to pool in them, “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to! I just figured… that it would be better to get it out in the open now…” Seokmin bit his lip as he waited for your reaction/response.

“Cyrus was… Cyrus. He is- was… my best friend.” You sighed defeatedly out loud before you continued, “He always took care of me. He imprinted on me right after I was born, so he was always there for me.” You started, still trying to find the right words to emphasize what he meant to you. But it was hard, you weren’t very touchy feely like Seokmin was. Feelings were all new to you, so you weren’t sure how to share them aloud.

You didn’t want to upset Seokmin by speaking too fondly about your past mate, but you also couldn’t help the pang in your heart you felt Everytime you heard Cyrus’s name. Part of you wanted to never speak of him again, another part of you wanted to never shut up about him. Your mind was full of conflict but your heart was full of sorrow. How could you possibly ever forget Cyrus enough to have a new mate? How could you ever emphasize how important he was to you when Seokmin, your current lover, was holding your hand? How were you supposed to pick and choose such things when your heart was pleading for a break?

“Wait- he imprinted on you right when you were born? I didn’t know that was possible…” he lost steam towards the end of his sentence and started to mumble while rubbing the back of his neck with his free hand.

“Oh no! It wasn’t like that!” You stopped him before he could get any further, “See, Icyan wolves start to shift really soon after birth, like only a month or two after. So it basically means that we’re able to phase our entire life. Cyrus was only five years older than me. He acted like an older brother to me until I hit 16 ish. But that’s when it all went wrong…” You held back a whimper that was threatening to spill past your lips.

“But the day everyone was killed, my dad and the other wolves came to defend out den. I was hiding in the hut while my mom was trying to do a protection spell. But they had killed most of our warriors already when they tried to save their families. We’re very protective of the ones we love” you sniffled slightly, still trying to hold your emotions back but obviously failing miserably.

“Cyrus came to find me after his family was killed. It was his instinct to protect me first, even though he loved his parents, they had each other still. And I was his mate, that’s how we work, mates and children before anyone else. He came into our home and tried to comfort me. We all thought we were gonna die. They had already killed my brothers by the river bank, it broke my parents. They saw red. But they knew I was still alive. So, before the Russians stormed our hut, my dad told Cyrus to take me and run as far as possible for as long as possible, so he did. After that, we were alone, but we had each other. It was like that for a few years. But then… I turned 16 and everything went to hell.” Your lip trembled and quivered with guilt.

Your current mate whined at your sadness, he wanted to help you, but he knew there was nothing he could say or do to make you feel better. So he just kept rubbing the back of your petite hand and giving you his full undivided attention. You had heard his whine, but you knew it was just because you were upset, so you gave him a small depressed smile before you kept speaking.

“Well you know that he- well that he’s obviously dead. Otherwise we couldn’t have imprinted on each other. But I’m sure you want to know… why he died” you mustered up all the courage you could before finally explaining it all to him, “He saved me. I fucked up. I was spotted by some towns people and he took the fall so they wouldn’t take me instead. Our wolf forms were similar. All Icyan wolves are white, we can just have different patterns to us. The villager that spotted me didn’t see the black spot on my head, he just saw a huge white wolf. They followed me back to our den and they were met with him. He refused to let me go. He was a telepath and he was an alpha. He ordered me to hide and he told me he loved me before he gave himself up to the angry mob.” You stopped walking and let the tears brimming your eyes freely fall.

Seokmin stood in front of you playing with your hair sweetly, trying to give you something to ground yourself and distract you from your heartache. It killed him to see you that way.

“I couldn’t- I couldn’t refuse his order. He was- he was my alpha. So I had to stay and watch them take him back to their town. I left after that to try and find him, he never told me that I couldn’t. But by the time I got there- they- they-” you sobbed out while bringing your shakey hands to your face, “They had already started torturing him. There had been reports of two huge wolves in the area and they thought he would lead them to me if they hurt him enough. But he never did.” Seokmin pulled you into his chest as you cried, barely able to breathe as you convulsed into loud whimpers and wails.

“I- I felt everything. Every cut they made, every punch, every hit. Because I’m of my shaman bloodline, I felt everything he felt, I- I’m an empath. He figured out I was in the crowd and just kept telling me that he loved me telepathically. That it wasn’t my fault. But- But how could it not be- be my fault?” You stuttered as you gripped onto Seokmin’s shirt for dear life, “I got him killed!” You all but screamed, crying into your mate’s chest so hard he was worried you’d pass out.

Seokmin just let you cry. He couldn’t imagine the guilt and pain you must have been feeling. He just held you and shushed you and told you that everything would be okay. But how could you be okay? You lost everyone in the most awful ways possible. No wonder you didn’t want him around before. If he were you, he wouldn’t either. He wouldn’t have wanted to risk losing MORE people.

He knew you thought it was your fault, but it wasn’t. If the roles were reversed, he knew you would’ve done the same thing as Cyrus. Just like he always knew that if push came to shove, he’d do the same exact thing your past mate had done to save you. You were his whole world, he’d never let anything or anybody hurt you if he could help it. He’d defend you with his very last breath if it meant you got even a second longer to live.

-

After a while, your breathing evened out and your sobs became just tears. Seokmin pulled you back up from his torso to look you in the glistening eyes. He quickly wiped away any water that had streamed down your face in the process. He really wanted to just kiss all your tears away, but now wasn’t the time for that.

“I’m so sorry (Y/N). I wish I could take away your pain. But I can’t. The best I can do is promise you that I’ll always be here for you.” He assured you, tucking a strand of your hair behind your ears.

“Even if I start crying over my dead mate?” You tried to sound sarcastic, but you honestly felt too weak to. It probably came out as more of a whine to him.

“Even if you start crying over him. Or if you miss him. Or even if you just want to talk about him. Or any of them. It’s okay. I understand and I’m here for you, no matter what.” He pecked your nose softly and gave you the most loving eyes you had ever seen.

You couldn’t help but pull him into a sweet, thankful kiss, attempting to show him how grateful you were for him with your actions rather than your words that always seemed to fail you. Once you pulled back, you realized just how tired you were. Seokmin seemed to pick up on it to because, suddenly, you were in his arms being carried through the woods bridal style. You gave him a look of uncertainty, he just nodded at you and gave you a loving smile, signaling that he would be okay to walk back the rest of the way to the house with you in his arms.

You wanted to protest it all for his sake, but your eyelids felt too heavy. So instead, you just snuggled your now swollen face into his chest and let the darkness take over, feeling safe in his arms and knowing he would never let anything bad happen to you. For the first time in a long time, you felt like maybe everything would be okay.

(Updated 9/17)

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #463

“the siren sings a lonely song of all the wants & hungers  /  the lust of love, a brute desire”

Describe the person that you would like to be in three years. I want my mental health to be in great condition, I really want to be in much better physical shape, ideally be living with somebody in our own place, have a job I'm happy with, have an improved social life, my own license and car... Think back to when you first met your significant other (or ex). Was your first impression of them accurate? It's funny, I honestly don't remember what my first impression of Girt was. I don't even recall our first interaction. I'm sure it was most likely that he was friendly, because he is and always has been. What is your most noticeable personality trait? Probably that I'm really, really shy. What kind of natural disaster is most common where you live? Hurricanes. Which of your family members do you resemble the most? I guess one of my immediate sisters? People tend to say stuff like they can definitely tell we're related. Have you ever had an animal get into your attic? No. Who knows you better than anyone else? Hell, probably whoever reads these. When was the last time you started a “new chapter” of your life? I guess you could call dating Girt a "new chapter." I have a much, much stronger feeling of this attempt being more successful than the last now that I've been able to change my angle on how I see him. What’s the most expensive thing your car needed to get done? I don't have my own vehicle and never have. If you had a thousand dollars to spend on a pricey brand you like but can’t really afford (until now of course), which ONE brand would you choose? *shrug* Most products of highly expensive brands I find hideous anyway. Do you still talk to any of your old teachers? Yeah. One is a close family friend and actually our landlord. Does your family still use the home phone or are you all on cell phones now? We haven't had a landline is yeeeeaaarrrrsssss. Ever go to another school’s prom? No; my boyfriend went to the same school as me. Do you ever venture into the woods? What do you normally do there? No; we live in the city now. :/ When I DID live in the woods, I absolutely loved wandering around with my camera for stuff to take pics of. Does your significant other ever make you mix CDs? None ever have but omg I wish that would be adorable. How did you dress your freshman year of high school? I was one of them emo kids. Would you ever date your best friend of the opposite sex? WELP that's what I'm doing lol. Would you say you have a high sex drive or not so much? I'd call it normal? Higher sometimes, lower other times, but not to either extreme. Come with an unpopular opinion. Silent Hill: Homecoming is a great game and while there's a lot of fan service from the movie, it belongs in the series. It's actually my second (or third)-favorite installment. Most of the SH community absolutely hate that game. What’s the worst thing a friend has either done or said to you? A lot of shit Colleen would say if we got into arguments. She'd ridicule effects of my depression, said I'd never know what it's like to pay my own bills, stuff like that. She's hateful as fuck and everything cut deep. What’s fake about you? Like extensions, fake nails, botox etc. Nothing physical. If you got the chance, would you audition for a reality show? No. Have you ever gotten into a Facebook fight? More than once. What’s the cheesiest thing you’ve ever experienced irl? Hm, I'm unsure. Favorite flavor of jelly bean? Probably watermelon. Do you use Tinder? If yes, have you ever met up with someone you matched? No. You do you, but if I understand Tinder correctly, it just seems... really shallow to me. Like don't you JUST see their picture to decide if you're interested or not? It just enforces the false belief that appearance really matters in love. You just poured your heart out to your crush and all he/she does is respond “k”. What do you respond/do? Well, I don't have a crush anymore; my boyfriend and I literally exchanged "I love you"s last night. That's not a crush. But for the sake of the question, I'll imagine I was single and this happened, in which case I would be both hurt and annoyed. Like, either tell me you return the feelings or not. It's not hard. What's your favorite thing to order from McDonald’s? I usually get a quarter pounder w/ cheese or a McDouble, occasionally with a small or medium fry, depending on how hungry I am. When do you feel your sexiest? Never, hunny. What's your favorite emoji? I don't really have one? It just depends on what the situation calls for. What’s your skincare routine? I don't really have one... I just use a washcloth to clean my face. Who all out of your immediate family smokes? My dad and stepmom. Do you like incense or candles better? Incense, totally. Do you respect your parents? Yeah. What’s your bf/gf’s name? It's technically Donald Jr., but since high school, I've known him as Girt, a nickname I won't explain for his privacy. Do you wear glasses? Yeah. Do you like The Beatles? I honestly don't. Except "Hey, Jude." What was the last reason you got excited? Last night. When we were saying goodbye, I was scared to, but I told Girt I loved him, and he immediately said it back confidently. My heart did like five flips. I'm still over the moon about it. Yes, we just got back together, but we've been in each other's lives as a constant since HS, and after changing my angle of how I looked at him, it's not at all platonic anymore. Do you know anyone who drinks the pickle juice from the jar? Sara does alskdjfklwejrl;er Name something crazy that’s happened recently? Uhhhh... I dunno. My life is very uneventful to have something really "crazy" happen. Can you say for a fact that you’re happy right now? I'm happy about some things, but also nervous and self-doubtful. Have you ever zip lined? No, but they look fun. I'd just be really scared of losing my grip. If you broke your computer, would you be able to fix it on your own? Ha, no. Have you ever been on a boat and got sick? No, but the one time I was at the beach and on a boat riding to an island, I was TERRIFIED I was going to get sick because of the waves. I didn't, thankfully. Did you sleep well last night? For the most part. My new mask might just be working. Do your parents try and plan your life for you? Not at all. Do you have any pictures of you kissing someone? Yes. List two things about yourself that you find embarrassing. My weight and how dark my leg hair is. Do you like to cuddle with your pet when you are sad? Yes. Do you find piercing attractive or unattractive? h o t Do you have any secret hiding spots in your room? To put money, yes. Do you like parmesan cheese on your spaghetti? Ew, no. I don't like parmesan. Does your best girl friend have any talents that you don’t? Yeah. She can animate well, for one. And sing like a fucking champ. Do you have any video game systems in your room? Which one(s)? My Nintendo DS Lite is in here. Well, and my laptop is a gaming one. What color eyes does the last person you kissed have? ... Oh WOW I've known this man for a fuckin decade and somehow I'm not sure??? But I want to say light blue? Have you ever taken a ride in a helicopter? No. Have you ever visited hot springs? No. How slowly or quickly would you say you eat? I'm aware I eat too fast, because my mom will point it out almost without fail if we eat in sight of each other. I'm not a messy eater at all, just... fast. Chewing your food and swallowing isn't a complex task. I've made active efforts to slow down, I just haven't been able to succeed. It doesn't feel normal. That and I've come to discover that when I chew food TOO much, I don't like the mushy texture of it in my mouth. What did you do the last time you were with friends? Yesterday Girt and I planned to watch shitty Netflix anime for some laughs, but we wound up starting Attack on Titan, which I am officially pretty into. What kind of cologne/perfume do you like the opposite sex to wear? I don't care if they wear any or not, so long as they know how to clean themselves and therefore not actually smell bad. If you celebrate Christmas, do you get a real tree or an artificial tree? We always use a fake one. Is there someone who means a lot to you but they don’t know that? My sisters probably don't, really... Is money important to you? Live your whole life poor and I want to see you answer "no" to this. Have you ever watched a meteor shower? No. Do you like Slim Jims? LOOOOOOOVE them. Would you rather write a mystery or love story? Love story. Are you muscular? No. Working for it. Do you have one of those removable hand-held shower heads? Yes. Originally, this house didn't, but I hated it so much that Mom bought one. How many burners does your stove have? Four. Has your car ever been broken into? Mom's hasn't.

[justcallmenikki7]

Min Yoongi & Park Jimin: BTS!Twilight!Au HeadCanon

Summary: here is a glimpse at the beta and the epsilon of the pack!

Warnings: mentions of insecurities/eating disorders, depression, anxiety, FLUFF, POLY if that is still being considered as a warning along with mxm, fluffffff, my bad writing

W.C.: 1.4k

Notes: so i basically worked on this when i had breaks at work, so it might be a little confusing and jumped around, but i know. i will be going back and fixing this whenever i have time and after writing the one shot. SHOUT OUT TO @minniepetals​ for being a BIGG motivator for me during this long dry spell or writing. she is amazing and i cannot thank her enough for reassuring me and working with me. i know that i have been slacking with writing (hate work) but trust me, i am writing. my life has been too hectic lately and i am wanting this series to be amazing. ANYWAYS I HOPE YOU ENJOY!!!

Masterlist

·   Both Yoongi and Jimin are lonely

·   But different type of lonely

·   First off – Yoongi

·   To sum it up – Yoongi comes from a broken family where his mom died from brain cancer and his father turned into an alcoholic after her death

·   Yoongi was four at the time

·   Growing up motherless and with an alcoholic father – he became very angry at the world and hated almost everyone

·   In school he’s known as the quiet, but angry kid because of outbursts he has when people push him to far (which doesn’t take a lot from him)

·   But the one person who didn’t push him to far was jimin

·   Jimin bonds with Yoongi on a personal level, and he is very fond of the fairy like boy

·   They met in sociology

·   Btw yoongi is 26

·   I will get to the age thing when I talk about jimin – so one second

·   So yes, he graduated from high school and was trying to live a life of his own, which backfired on him due to turning.

·   Speaking of turning

·   When he turned, he cut all ties with Jimin after this – which hurts both of them

·   But let’s take a look at Jimin’s life

·   So Jimin comes from what others would call a ‘perfect family’

·   Jimin can admit that his family can be considered perfect

·   But jimin does not feel as if that he belongs in his family

·   Coming from a family that is very successful and considered to be ‘perfect’ jimin feels very pressured

·   Everyone has high expectations for Jimin so Jimin always puts a fake smile on and does everything in his power to please

·   From this, he becomes severely insecure and develops depression and an eating disorder

·   When Jimin was a Junior in high school and Yoongi was a senior, they both have sociology and they sat next to each other

·   Que love at first sight

·   Truthfully the both of them did not know what it was, but they know that there is this c e r t a i n bond between them

·   So when Yoongi became distant towards jimin, Jimin becomes very depressed and closed himself off

By the way, Jimin is now out of high school and so is Yoongi

They’re both in college with the pack*

But when they accidentally ran into each other when they both were in the woods, Yoongi felt something weird, the weird that Namjoon explained when he first met his imprint

It clicked to him and then 

BAM

Yoongi imprinted on Jimin and they have reunited 

I am going to give a more insider on this in a seperate one shot 

But just know that this was a very cautious beginning for the two of them because of Jimin’s insecurities and Yoongi’s change.

Eventually, mainly a month later Jimin changed and that cleared things up for the two

Wolf Descriptions

Yoongi is the beta of the pack and is badass

When Yoongi changed, Namjoon really helped Yoongi by calming him down and reassuring him that everything’s fine

Form the first meeting, Yoongi felt a connection (alpha and pack one) to Namjoon and found a fondness and closeness to the alpha

Like in Jungkooks one shot, Yoongi indeed does have an all black coat that allows him to blend into the night to the point even those who have the greatest eyesight cannot even see him

Yoongi jokes about how his fur coat represents how he has no feelings or soul 

Yoongi’s Wolf is also his best friend (like how it’ll be for every member) 

But his wolf helps him cope better because his wolf Dagny, helps Yoongi stop and take a breath kind of deal

But if the situation is where either both Jimin and you (imprint) are threatened or harmed, or anything in that aspect, better pray for that person because Yoongi is similar to Paul in this area - there’s literally no way to get Yoongi calmed unless it’s either his imprint or Jimin coaxing him. 

As for Jimin - Sereperindity vibezzzzz - fur color = blonde.

Jimin’s Wolf is actually kind of smaller than everyone else’s

To a human he seems gigantic but when he’s in wolf form standing next to everyone else he has a smaller frame

But one thing that comes out of this is that he is able to maneuver through trees and is a lot quicker 

Just like everyone else, Jimin’s Wolf is his safety and his wolfs name is Neon

Whenever he is feeling emotional or insecure he turns into his wolf so he is able to cope and talk to someone 

Even tho he has you and yoongi, his bond with his wolf is something that both you and Yoongi can’t have with jimin

Okie that sounded harsh, but ya know what I mean?

Thankfully both you and Yoongi understand this and aren’t jealous of it and are actually happy for Jimin to have someone to turn too and have a good coping mechanism. 

Imprint:

Okay, FYI - everything is still based in college (I think I forgot to mention that)

So, Yoongi and Jimin are both in the same classes (Yoongi actually went behind Jimin’s back when he enrolled because he wanted to be in every class with Jimin).

Jimin wasn’t thrilled but he couldn’t deny his fluttering heart at this

But y’all meet in Developmental Psychology on the first day

I wanna be cliche hehe

But you ran into both Jimin and Yoongi as you were turning a corner which led to the class

You heard a growl *damnit yoongi* which scares you into a stuttering mess

And as you looked into Jimins eyes, 

BAM

imprint

Yoongi also felt this too because of the bond 

Que guilty Yoongi and Dagny

But you did feel something but you were severely intimidated by the two BTS members so you ran off

Both Jimin and Yoongi wanted to chase after you but they both also didn’t want to force the bond onto you

So being causal, they both sat by you 

They totally did not sniff the air for you backpack (lmaoooooo)

So when you found out that they were sitting by you, you definitely tried to move seats but with your luck, they both glared at anyone to the point where those would put their bags in the seat next to them

You sighed, which made them feel bad because they could feel the anxiety you radiated, but eventually you gave in and sat down

They totally feel really bad

During the lecture they stared at you to the point you snapped 

“Can you please stop staring at me, I’m trying to concentrate.”

You were shocked from how they listened to you automatically 

You apologized for sounding rude - you just want to focus on your studies

After class they asked to talk to you

Talking meaning Jimin rambling to you while Yoongi is quietly staring at you adoringly 

Basically all you could comprehend is jimin asking to be friends 

To which you agreed 

Okay I’m trying to save everything for the one shot

Anyways

You balance both Jimin and Yoongi due to their insecurities and their demons

You’re the reason why they now wake up everyday 

1 because they want to make you happy

And 2 - you make them want to wake up

Of course they both felt like this before they found you

But they now have another reason , and also because the thought of you finding someone else haunts them

You CONSTANTLY have to remind that YOU LOVE THEM!!

Also that you’re their damn imprint and that you could never, couldn’t want to love anyone else like you love them

They also don’t realize how much they help you 

Especially by when your anxiety gets bad

They’re the only outlets you have when it comes to your anxiety 

Sometimes you do feel like you came crashing into their life and interrupted the relationship and you do sometimes feel like you’re left out

Once those two found about those feelings

Love ….. you sure were attacked by reassurances and love by them

You truly don’t realize how much you help them

It’s so disgustingly fluff that the pack sometimes feel like they’re watching a Hallmark movie lmao

It’s so cute

So in all - you complete them and they complete you. 

It’s a balanced relationship with open communication and help/love

No one is left out and no one feels alone

I want to be in a poly relationship with Jimin and Yoongi :(

[arce-elliot]

Magnus Archives - First Impressions (151-175)

We’re almost there, gang. Out of the Lonely and into the Eyepocalypse we go! Blah blah I had 75% of the series spoiled and am jotting down my thoughts, you know the drill.

EP 151 (Big Picture): - OH SIMON??? - okay okay Simon's kinda funny, you go you funky little sky grandpa - Martin Tell Her The TRUTH EP 152 (A Gravedigger's Envy): - oooh another ancient one - hey that's terrifying wtf - can someone please comfort jonny boy good lord EP 153 (Love Bombing): - Idk why the cult ones freak me out, maybe because cults are real? - oh god what's gonna happen to that dog - I literally just made my dinner with white wine vinegar that's a little old are you sHITTING ME - GIRL GET OUT OF THERE WHILE YOU HAVE A CHANCE YOU KNOW SOMETHING'S OFF - AYYY THE HUNTIN' GANG - tbh it was weird that they helped him even though they knew he wasn't human actually - DAISY!!!!! - Jon can you chill w/ the sass if you're not gonna help - Okay I'm gay but Daisy Growl Hot - Two dying monsters trying to reconcile their humanity, this is sad I hate it here EP 154 (Bloody Mary): - oh god it's This Episode I've been dreading it poor Eric - g o d Gertrude sounds so upset - I would die for Eric - "Eric I'm gonna count to ten and you're gonna tELL ME HOW YOU QUIT" - I'm already crying good god - "he needed me" o w - MARTIN GOT TO SAY FUCK!!!!! - O U C H - i am so upset FUCK this podcast - the catalogue of the dead is just the Delano-Keay family album EP 155 (Cost of Living): - CALL HER OUT JON - Tova, to this doctor's heart: it's free real estate - A FUCKING C H I L D?????? - ah yes, some more DIY surgery, who needs doctors when you have knives? EP 156 (Reflection): - ayyyy adelard how are ya - oh fun flesh time - oh? extinction? - also that was gross what the fuck - M A R T I N EP 157 (Rotten Core): - go save Martin before I cry - ADELARD!!! - ah no, I'm gonna miss this dude he was kinda cool - this hits different in corona times - okay this is actually pretty gross wtf - Martin's lonely because he chose to be, Jon is lonely because everyone hates him, poetic cinema EP 158 (Panopticon): - Ah Shit Here We Fucking Go - OH WHAT THE FUCK NOT!SASHA???? - AYYYYY THERE'S JONAH MAGNUS WELCOME HOME RAT BASTARD - uh oh bye bye Gertrude Time - mom and dad are fighting to be Martin's favorite parent lmao - no not the promise :C - Martin is the brain cell, he really just played both these men like kazoos - gdi Peter give me my boy back EP 159 (The Last): - hi I am Sad - Marto blease just go with the tired eyeball man - "i see you" MY B O Y S EP 160 (The Eye Opens) - oh lord here we go - at least we get some Jonmartin conversation - Monologue Time! - Jon: can I just say, from the bottom of my heart...my bad EP 161 (Dwelling): - welcome to the apocalypse bitches - FINALLY i've been waiting for these tapes for my entire life - TIMMMMMM! SASHAAAAA! - Elias being a normal person is unsettling - ALL THE EYE JOKES gdi I refuse to simp for eyeball man - THE JARRING "ARCHIVIST" I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD - "If I wish for all of you to go away do you think it'll work?" well it worked on Tim and Sasha - Elias: I'm a cool boss, I can drink wine - the image of Jon just huddled on the couch with a bag of tapes and listening to them over and over is so sad - sorry Gertrude no Sasha, just a sad little man - thank u for the powerpoint Gertrude - JON DON'T SNAP - i love them so much your honor EP 162 (Cosy Cabin): - GERRY GERRY GERRY - okay Gertrude and Gerry are adorable I love goth boy and his badass grandma - Gerry, ever the pragmatist: but what about TAXES gertrude - Tim and Sasha interacting is the sweetest thing ;_; - oh this is AFTER the hookup lmao - OH WAIT Sasha canonically knew about Danny??? I didn't know that oof - Oh Jon's getting a phone call I suppose - Jon's trying so hard to be dramatic and Martin's like "okay bitch grab ur backpack and lets go" EP 163 (In The Trenches): - "Tell everybooooody I'm ooon my waaay, new frieeends and new plaaaaces to seeeee" - YESSS LET MARTIN CURSE OVER THE GUNSHOTS AND BAGPIPES - "Martin can you stand over there and cover your ears while I cast Eldritch Ramble" EP 164 (The Sick Village): - another one that hits different in corona times - I hate the word soupy - what in the midsommar - if you can't find your own statements, DIY your own - Martin: fuck u Jon, Helen's my friend now - Martin: can I get an Uber, can I PLEASE get an Uber EP 165 (Revolutions): - this is my friend's favorite episode so I'm excited - oh circus music gross - THE RHYMINGGGGG OH I LOVE THIS - my arms are sore from happy stimming at this audio oh my god - SHUT UP JON IT WAS A GOOD POEM - GET HER ASS JON - is that our first "Ceaseless Watcher"?? I think it was! - Jon: Level Up! - Martin: that's hot EP 166 (The Worms): - HELL YES JON SAID FUCK - oh worm? - Martin answer your damn phone - awww Martin don't doubt yourself :C EP 167 (Curiousity): - Fiona: lmao watch this -passes out- - oh I didn't realize Eric was one of the OGs, their conversations make more sense now - Michael :c - Gertrude you got played like a fiddle damn EP 168 (Roots): - jealous Martin lmao - Jon just tell him why you woke up that would probably solve this - As someone who also freaks out about every little twinge this episode felt targeted EP 169 (Fire Escape): - desolation time? desolation time. can't wait to walk through hell - so aside from Smirke's 14 we have the 3 additional fears: the Extinction, the Scotland, and the Landlord - oh this one is terrifiyng i love it - OOOOH the "jons" slowly fading in was really clever - G O D martin sounds so defeated poor boy EP 170 (Recollection): - Martin finding tape recorders is the cutest thing - Oh fuck are we in the Lonely oh shit - this is so disconcerting i love it - someone get this man a better chair EP 171 (The Gardener): - Martin: damn that's a lot of bones - oh not THIS dude again I can barely understand him oh my GOD - well that was interesting EP 172 (Strung Out): - oh web? - oh this is sad shit - I think this is one of the worst domains yet for me personally this sounds like hell - g o d the web makes my brain hurt blease Jonny I'm stupid EP 173 (Night Night): - oh dark? - oh so the darkness is just the apocalypse daycare? nice - oh and this tween runs it, nice - Jon: are you SURE you want me to kill this middle schooler? - wow this is depressing EP 174 (The Great Beast): - oh hunt? - oh vast? lmao that's what i get for assumptions - Martin just wants to kill a man is that too much to ask someone give him a gun EP 175 (Epoch): - ex...tinct...ion? - “Peter was right” no FUCK YOU I refuse to give Peter any credit LOOK ADELARD WAS RIGHT, Adelard Decker laid the BLUEPRINT - poor Jon he's gettin these hard-hitting google searches - Basira and Daisy?????? OH WAIT THAT MEANS OH NO

[phinniasart]

This isn’t anything big, nor important. I just need to type my feelings out somehow, somewhere. I’m safe but in a bad spot. I’m sorry for this bout of negativity, but I need to rid myself of these thoughts. I try to be positive all the time normally, but I have to break the facade for a moment. tw mention of suicide, depression, abuse (emotional and physical)

My mother is giving me incredibly mixed signals and it’s killing me. My stepfather, who beat me, groped me and emotionally abused me, left us and now she wants to find someone new. Only problem? Her 21 year old mentally ill daughter that gets panic attacks during job tests that lives with her. I moved back home last summer and have been staying with her since then, trying to get help, to get my health sorted out. My depression’s only gotten worse since then though. I got out of a harmful relationship that, while it could have given me financial stability, would have killed me in many other ways. Also made me realize that I’m not bi, nor pan, but...just gay. But now I’m here, with no money to my name, but my mother wants me out of the house because she “doesn’t want to spend the rest of her life with me” and “wants her life back”. Yet claims that she doesn’t want to get rid of me, that that’s not what she’s trying to say. I can’t have a normal job because of just how bad my depression and anxiety have gotten. I tried to work back in Austria, despite everything, and it destroyed me even more. She points out again and again how I “managed in Austria as well, might as well do it here”, not knowing that I was suicidal, that I broke down daily, that I had lost all joy in life and art, and was so, so lonely. Everytime I mention that to her she says that I’m overexaggerating, that I need to get it together and that I just say that to make her feel bad. Now I’m in a spot where I feel like I simply have no point to exist. My own mother just wants me gone, my art might have grown decent but what use does it have when I can’t do anything with it? It’s my only path to any sort of financial stability, but it’s a tough one that isn’t really taking off because I’m constantly conflicted between knowing I need to advertise and not wanting to annoy people. On the daily I think to my meds, able to cause a heart attack when taken with painkillers, and consider. If I was gone, I’d leave behind less sorrow than I bring, right? I know that it’s wrong. The logical part of my brain is well aware that there is more mourning to come from it than anything else. That I would never be able to leave my mark, that there’d be people missing me. But the other part cries out in pain, just wants things to stop. For the pain to stop, for the thoughts to stop. I’m such a spoiled brat, sitting at my mom’s place, spending my days drawing and playing games while waiting for a response from the doctors that want to psychoanalyze me to see what they can do for me. My mom doesn’t want me to wait - to just get a job and...thus loose their help, because if I have an income I am no longer allowed to accept their services. If I took a normal job I think I’d be dead within the year. Even then, it’s not like those are easy to find with the pandemic and all going on. And even 4 hours a day is...something that I don’t think I can handle. Any sort of stress causes me to break down near instantaneously. Hell, I have panic attacks from someone unfollowing me on fucking twitter. What am I worth? Why am I alive? Why do I do this to myself? Do people even care? I’m just a burden to everyone, aren’t I? I don’t know the anser to any of those questions. Sometimes I wonder if it was a cruel twist of fate that I survived my previous attempts at ending it. Not a blessing, or a stroke of luck.

When I say I want to die, I mean it. I feel like a waste of oxigen. I can’t even take care of myself, art is hard and I can’t really do anything else. Even my singing is so crap that my mom told me to shut up. It’s always nice, seeing things I enjoy getting torn down. I’m such a spoiled brat. Complaining when I have a roof over my head and food on the table. But I still feel miserable. It hurts so much. My mind and my body hurt so much. I just want the pain to end.

[twdeadfanfic]

First and Last Pt.14

Daryl Dixon x Reader

Summary:  There’s only one girl that Daryl has ever fallen in love with, the one who had to leave him and break both their hearts, and the one he’d tried his best to erase from his memory so it wouldn’t hurt that bad. There’s no way he could have guessed that he’d find her again, more than seventeen years later, after the world went to shit and the dead began walking, both their lifes different that what they used to be.

Tags: Sequel to my mini-series “The first to blow your mind.”  You can find it in my mastelist and read it before this or after it as a prequel. Daryl’s POV. My usual combo of slow-burn, fluff and angst.

Chapter: 14/28 Updated on Monday and Thursday.

*

Daryl could see relief go through Y/N’s face when she opened the door and found him back, before she looked worried again. “It’s bad, isn’t it?”

“Yeah.” He nodded, nothing good could come from sugar-coating it. “But we’ll fix it.”

“Jane and Dawn are playing upstairs,” Y/N said, looking inside before closing the door and gesturing Daryl to sit down with her at the swing on the porch. “Tell me.”

“It’s like Rick said, there’s a herd trapped in a quarry, I haven’t seen one that big before. If they broke lose, Alexandria is in their way, they’ll tear the place apart. They ain’t gonna be trapped forever, we have to do something, take them away.”

“Shit, Daryl.” Y/N let out a sigh. “You don’t know how glad I’m you’re here…I mean you, in particular, but your people too. Like…now that I look at it, how can we have been living like this? We felt as if we were so safe, as if nothing bad could happen to us in here…when we had such a threat right outside our door, and if you all weren’t here, if Rick hadn’t found out…we wouldn’t even know what to do…we’d be doomed…just…shit…”

“Hey…” She was right, but Daryl didn’t like to hear her speak like that, it made him feel bad, he didn’t want her thinking that. “We’ll fix it. Rick’s working on it.”

“That plan…Daryl, it sounds dangerous.” She looked at him with uncertain eyes and Daryl hated that she seemed scared. “If the herd is that big…setting it loose, trying to lead it away from us…I don’t know…”

Those Alexandrians had probably never seen so many walkers together, Y/N too, Daryl could understand their fear…hell, he was worried too. But he knew they could do it. “It’ll be okay, we’ll be freeing it in groups that we can handle, they follow the sound so we’ll guide them away,” he explained. “It’ll be okay, I promise.” He didn’t know why he said that. He couldn’t promise such a thing. Yet he couldn’t help himself.

“Okay.” Y/N gave him a weak smile.

“We gotta work our asses off…but we’ll fix it,” he assured her again, glad when Y/N gave him another smile.

“Thanks.”

“Carol told me you started training?” He asked, trying to have her thinking about something else, and he smirked when he heard her groaning.

“Yeah…I’m like, so bad at it.”

“That ain’t true. Carol told me you did good.”

“Yeah?” Y/N smiled in a way that had him smiling too. “That’s…good to know. But I don’t think I could kill even the clumsiest walker…I’ll try to improve, though.”

“Just keep trying, you’ll be good.”

“Good as Carol?” Y/N teased, smiling wider, and Daryl chuckled.

“Ain’t so sure of that, she’s pretty good…”

“Yeah, I know, I’ve just trained for a couple of hours with her and damn, I’m hurting everywhere…” Y/N complained, lifting her sleeve to show her a bruise, and Daryl felt that weird sense of pride again. Then she leaned back, looking at him as she chewed on her lower lip. “You know…I thought…at first…” She trailed off without finishing her sentence.

“What?”

“Nothing…”

“What?” Daryl insisted, frowning in confusion.

“Nothing, just…” Y/N shrugged awkwardly and Daryl arched his eyebrows at her, confused at what was going on. “It’s embarrassing.”

“What is it?” Daryl sounded harsher than he’d wanted, but he couldn’t help it, he just needed her to tell him whatever it was.

“Okay…” Y/N sighed, leaning back further and running a hand through her hair as if hiding. “At first, I thought…first time I saw her…I thought that you and Carol were like a thing, cause…well…yeah”

“A thing?” Daryl blinked at her. “What you mean?”

Y/N groaned, sinking even further into her seat. “I mean…that I thought she was like your wife or something…” Daryl could just look at her at that, wordless and dumbfounded. “Come on! I hadn’t seen you in more than seventeen years, I thought you’d have someone…and you both seemed close…I thought if you weren’t together from before, you were now…”

“She ain’t…we ain’t…” Daryl stammered, all flustered now that he knew what was in Y/N’s mind.

“Yeah, yeah, I know…it was just that first moment.” Y/N shrugged, seeming just as embarrassed.

Daryl didn’t know what to say, and so he said nothing, and neither did Y/N. After a while, though, she looked at him as he chewed on her lip again, and Daryl felt nervous wondering what was she thinking now.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Carol and I never-” He began, shifting on his seat as he felt beyond uncomfortable.

“I know, I know, it’s not that.” Y/N stopped him. “Just…all these years…did you have someone like that, before? Like, a woman or…someone…you don’t have to tell me…”

Daryl didn’t know why Y/N was asking him all that now and he chewed on his thumbnail nervously, shaking his head. “No. No like that,” he rasped, wondering what would Y/N think, what was she expecting him to say.

“Really? Why?” Daryl didn’t know what to answer to that, he didn’t know the answer, so he just shrugged awkwardly, chewing at the skin of his fingernail. “I thought…I don’t know…I guessed you’d have…dunno…it was…seventeen years, so I thought…” Y/N trailed off.

“Ain’t like you got yourself married either,” Daryl blurted out, realizing too late that it was probably a wrong thing to say, but Y/N just snorted.

“Hey, I got myself a kid, does that seem little to you?”

Daryl shook his head no. Having a kid was no little thing…and Jane wasn’t a little thing at all. But now that Y/N talked about it, it did surprise him that Y/N hadn’t gotten married or had had any serious relationship, not even with the father of her daughter, unless she hadn’t told him about it. Him…was him…but Y/N…She was smart, fun, beautiful, she could have gotten anyone she wanted, he was sure, yet it seemed she hadn’t, she’d told him how lonely she had felt, to the point of having a kid with a man she didn’t love. But Daryl was sure she could have gotten someone whom she loved, someone who loved her. ..yet she hadn’t. He didn’t know what to think about it all.

He didn’t realize he’d kept bitting his thumbnail until Y/N took his hand, inspecting the skin that was starting to bleed and preventing him from biting it more. She didn’t let go of his hand, the touch sending electricity rushing through him and he could feel his fingers twitching nervously, but he hoped Y/N didn’t let go of his hand.

“I kind of…like it that way…that you didn’t have anyone…” Y/N suddenly said, seeming thoughtful and making Daryl frown at her. “Goodness, that came out wrong, sorry,” Y/N rushed to apologize, biting her lip as she looked at him. “I mean…what I mean is that…if you had a wife, or kids, or both…anything like that…and you didn’t have them with you now..well, I guess it probably meant that you lost them in this mess of a world…and I don’t want you going through something like that.”

Yes…he understood what Y/N meant now. He had lost people, though, important people, friends, family, and every time it had hurt as if his heart was being ripped. First with Merle, he hadn’t felt that broken before, and then all the others…Hershel and Beth were still a bolt to the heart, and he didn’t think the feeling would ever leave…and there was that couple of times he thought he had lost Carol too…

“You have lost enough…” Y/N whispered as if reading his mind, her fingers lacing with his, and Daryl nodded, unable to speak and not knowing what to say anyway. “Sorry, I’m depressing…I made you sad…”

“Nah…it’s okay…”

“Just…I know how lucky I am to have Jane safe with me, that were are both safe…” Yes, she was right, and Daryl’d do everything he could so they’d keep being safe. “And I’m…well…a bit surprised that you…didn’t got anyone in all these years, but…not in a bad way, cause…I mean…well, it’s okay…”

“I know it’s okay…” Daryl frowned, once again uncomfortable and wondering again what the hell Y/N meant.

If Y/N was going to say anything else, she was interrupted by the voice of Jane coming from inside. “Mom, what’s for dinner?” Then she was walking out, Dawn following her. “Daryl! Hi!” She grinned, and Dawn waved shyly at him too. Damn, they really were cute kids.

“Spaghetti, again,” Y/N answered, letting go of his hand. “Dawn, do you want to stay for dinner?” The little girl nodded, smiling softly.

“And you?” Jane asked him taking Daryl by surprise.

“I ain’t gonna say no to spaghetti.” He heard himself saying.

“Mind you, those are not like Eric’s…I’m warning you…” Y/N said, getting up to walk into the house.

*

Daryl didn’t know why Y/N complained that much about her food. Her spaghetti wasn’t bad, it was actually good, not Eric’s level, but good, and he found himself devouring mouthful after mouthful, which judging by the way Y/N looked at him, it seemed to please her.

“An improvement from the sandwiches,” he joked and Y/N snorted, nudging him.

It was…strange, and normal, having spaghetti with Y/N and the kids, everyone seeming content…as if just the day before a man hadn’t died murdered by another neighbor who also got himself killed…as if the biggest herd of walkers weren’t trapped at the outside of Alexandria, ready to break loose and tear through the settlement, as if tomorrow they didn’t have to start working to prevent that from happening. Yes…it was strange, and normal, and Daryl didn’t know what to think, how it made him feel, but he knew it didn’t make him feel bad, no matter how surreal everything was.

He wasn’t looking forward to leave after dinner, for some reason, as it seemed to always happen lately whenever he was with Y/N, but he knew Rick needed him, he’d been away for too long already, there were things to do and to get ready for the next day.

For some reason, while Y/N washed the dishes, Jane insisted on walking him to the door. It seemed to amuse Y/N, but Daryl found himself glancing suspiciously at the little girl as she walked with him outside, wondering if she wasn’t up to something. Before he could say goodbye and rush away, Jane spoke.

“Do you like my mom?”

“What?” Daryl almost chocked, feeling blood rushing through his face, blushing up to his hears.

Jane rolled her eyes at him. “I saw you holding hands, before, do you like her?” Daryl opened and closed his mouth like a fish out of water, not knowing what to do or say as his brain seemed to stop working, feeling cornered and like running away, but he refused to run away from a little girl, even if all his cells were urging him to do so…it was ridiculous…and yet. “So?” Jane pressed, arching her eyebrows.

“I…I…yeah, she’s my friend…”

“Hmm…hmm…” Jane hummed, not seeming very impressed. “Well, she does like you.”

Once again, Daryl didn’t know what to say or even what to think. So Y/N…but yeah, he was his friend too,  so she must like him…unless Jane meant…but nah…anyway why was he listening to a kid…she was just messing around and what did she know anyway…

“Gotta go,” he muttered, turning around.

“Hey!” Jane called after him. “It’s okay if you like my mom! You’re nice!”

*

The next day, the construction of the wall to lead the walkers began. It was damn hard word, the sun beating on them, not resting so it’d be finished as soon as possible, the threat of the walkers breaking loose at any moment hanging over them. Daryl grunted as he dug one of the ditches for a new wall, all his muscles aching after hours and hours of working nonstop.

He knew he should have slept more than he had, knowing the day that he had ahead, but his brain hadn’t wanted to shut up, replaying Jane’s words. A kid’s words…Daryl knew it was stupid and yet…

Did he like Y/N? Yeah, of course he did…but Jane seemed to be implying something more than friendly. He had loved her once, yeah…but did he now? Or it was just a memory of it…he didn’t like her the same way he liked Carol, did that mean something? Yeah, she stirred things…and when he closed his eyes he could almost see himself leaning in, the feeling of her lips on his and…

No. He had to stop it. He had fallen once for her and it had broken his heart. Why he couldn’t just be her friend, care for her, without his brain doing weird things? She had cared for him once…he still did. Had she loved him? Daryl wasn’t sure…but it seemed like she might have. That didn’t mean she still had those feelings, seventeen damn years had come and gone.

And yet Jane said that Y/N liked him…and sure she did, they were friends…but did Jane meant…nah, nah, he needed to stop this bullshit, Jane was a kid, what did she know anyway, this was ridiculous. There were far more important business to focus on, he had a job to do, he needed to focus and stop his mind from wandering to nonsense.

There was no point in overthinking it.  He got Y/N again, miraculously so, she was back in his life, seemed to sill care for him, spending time with him…even though she hadn’t seen him in years and years…she was with him again…he couldn’t let himself mess that…

He was still lost in thought when he felt something wet and cold pressing against the back of his neck, taking him by surprise, and he let out an embarrassing yelp. He turned around to see what the hell was going on to find Y/N laughing at his reaction, seeming thoroughly amused as he held a can of soda on her hand.

“Sorry!” She apologized without stopping giggling and Daryl blushed, embarrassed at himself. “But you looked like you needed it.” She held the can for him, and even though Daryl had begun to feel grumpy, embarrassed as he was, her smile made him feel better, somehow.

“Thanks…” He murmured, taking the can. He had water, but it had gone warm by now. “What you doing out here.” He looked around, instinctually scanning for danger even though he knew there weren’t walkers close, and also wondering if Y/N had come alone. It seemed like so. “You came alone from Alexandria?” It was dangerous, no matter he was pleased to see that Y/N had attached his knife, now hers, to her belt. It was dangerous for her to go out alone.

“No, with Carol, she went to speak with Rick, though,” she said, and Daryl relaxed, watching as Carol waved at him from ahead as she walked towards another group. “We just finished training and I wanted to come and see how everything was going. Seems tiring.”

“It is.” Daryl nodded, taking a long sip of the soda before passing the can back to Y/N so she could drink too. “But if we keep it like this, we’ll have it all ready in a couple of days.”

“Good…” Y/N sipped at the soda and gave it back to him. “Maybe I should come to give a hand…”

“Nah, you’re working at the pantry.” Honestly, Daryl didn’t want her out there when it wasn’t that safe and she wasn’t still very experienced with the knife, not with such a big herd close and without him being able to keep a close eye on her.

“Yes, ‘cause that’s such a hard job…” She scoffed, rolling her eyes.

“Besides, you gotta keep training, alright?”

“That’s true.” Y/N smiled at that. “I’m not sure, but I think today I did a bit better…at least I hadn’t forgotten all I learned yesterday…” There was again, that weird sense of pride at hearing that she was doing well at training. “Anyway…I wanted to see the quarry, would you take me there?”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, please…”

Reluctantly, Daryl walked her there, watching her face as she took in the herd of walkers trapped in the quarry, eyes widening at the sight.

“Shit, Daryl…” Her scared eyes were now on him, before drifting back to the herd. “I know you told me it was big, but this…damn…”

“Hey, we’re working on it.” Daryl tried to reassure her, placing a hand on her shoulder and squeezing gently. “We’ll fix it.”

“Yeah…” Y/N nodded, giving him a grateful smile and placing her hand on top of his, making him feel all weird again, Jane’s words back to his mind, he couldn’t help it, but he tried to stop it.

“Come on, I’ll get you back.”

“Jane’s going to be all grumpy when she knows I actually went out and didn’t let her…” Y/N chuckled softly and Daryl chewed on his lip before actually saying what he was thinking.

“When it’s safe, we could go out with her, maybe, if you want…” He said as he walked, looking down. “Could go to the woods, maybe…”

“Sounds good.” To his relief, Y/N nodded, smiling. “I always liked to go out to the woods with you.”

“Alright…” Those twirls were back on his stomach and there was no way of stopping them.

*

Everything was done and ready, though Daryl checked everything once again, just in case, while Rick reminded the plan to the Alexandrians once again. Today there’d review everything, and tomorrow they’d begin leading the herd away.

Before he knew what was happening, before anyone could do anything, one of the trucks balanced near the edge of the cliff fell down, tearing apart everything that was keeping the herd trapped in the quarry, the sound attracting them and they began to move towards the opening.

“Come on! Come, people!” Rick was urging everyone. “We have to start now, everyone has a job to do! Come on, now!”

Daryl’s mind was in Alexandria, though, in the people there, Y/N, Jane, Carol, Aaron, Eric…if they didn’t manage, the herd would go right to them…they needed to stop it, he had to get moving and do something, do his job, he couldn’t just stand there looking at the herd pouring out the quarry.

He kicked into action, rushing to his bike and riding towards the herd, as close as he could without it being too dangerous, making noise until he managed to get a big portion of the herd following him, and soon Sasha and Abraham were joining him on a truck as planned, leading as many walkers away as they could.

Come on.

It had to work.

*

Wops

If you enjoyed the chapter and have time, please leave me a comment and let me know your thoughts.

As always, excuse my english, is not my first language.

If you want to be (un)tagged let me know.

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[skyeofloxlay]

Personality / Brief history / important things about MC / Reader for my fanfics or when I make requests.

Okay, I decided to do this more for myself when I make a request to someone, but this is also useful to let you know a little more about the MC / "reader" of my fanfics.

The MC is a cis-woman of almost 1.60cm in height, (age may vary) but generally the age will be between 20 and 23. She is heterosexual/straight (I don't know if there is a difference between the two things, but I don't understand why I would have two words for the same thing) and usually in fanfics she has never had a boyfriend before the character she will be together with (be it Jake (Duskwood), Jason (Todd), Spencer (Reid) or any other character). 

She was born in Brazil and lived a large part of her life there, and depending on what story she is in, she makes an interchange trip abroad because of college, and because of that she lives far from her family and lives alone, but she has her faithful companion, a male Schnauzer dog (his name in fanfics is undetermined.)

MC has always been a lonely person, because after several events in the past she does not trust people easily, and the only people she does trust are her family, but she still has trouble talking about her problems to them.

Furthermore, MC is a very shy, introverted, anti-social person and suffers from social phobia, which of course, is a perfect combo to be an alien in society and not be able to make friends, even if she wants to.

MC also doesn't know where it all started from, but she does know that she has probably suffered from anxiety for many, many years, even though she only discovered it a short time ago, and went to get help even less time ago.

Because of anxiety, she ends up being stuck in her own world, or I should call it, hell itself. Her mind is a mess, bad, unreal and meaningless thoughts invade her mind all the time, and because she has been this way for so long without help and not knowing what to do, her situation has worsened to the point where her anxiety starts to change into a depressive anxiety.

However, as much as she has been suffering with her own mind for years, she can always count on her family whenever she needs them, even if they are distant from each other, they are inseparable. 

Her father, as much as he doesn't understand most of the things she goes through, supports her and wants the best for MC, and so he does what he can to help MC pay for psychological treatment, and even though he doesn't understand, he always makes her smile and laugh, even when the situations are bad, even though he was always busy because of work, he always did what he could to be together, even in the simplest things, like family lunch, playing video games, watching movies, shopping together.

Her mother, on the other hand, has been through similar things like MC, and always try to help her the way she can, always speaking encouraging words, helping MC to do her things when she couldn't, sleeping next to the MC when she couldn't sleep because of anxiety, always being by her side, always supporting any decision, no matter the situation, MC's mom will always be there to hear her, either to hear about something that MC wants to do a lot or when she has some fear. 

And there is also her younger brother (3 years younger), as much as they ended up arguing for silly things, he is her best friend, maybe her only true friend, always having fun together doing what they like, protecting each other, always being one for another, even when it was not known which words were right to say.

MC is blessed to have such an amazing family, and as much as she couldn't say "I love you, you are everything to me" to them, she loved them with all her heart and soul, and she couldn't say what would happen to her if she lost them, but probably something really bad would happen.

As much as it seemed that MC doesn't care about other people, maybe looking selfish and boring to others, she cares a lot about others, but she knows that this is also one of the big reasons why she suffers from anxiety, caring for others more than for herself, and for her own mental health, she had to try not to think so much about the problems of the world that she cannot solve. 

Some people may think that she was wrong in doing this, but she wanted to have some sanity, even if little and trying to recover, than to go crazy with things that are impossible to fix, at least impossible for her to fix.

(Some other things about MC, but now simpler, because I'm out of time and too lazy, help me)

- Very distracted

- Very clumsy

- Nerd

- Dreamer / lost in her own world

- Impulsive

- Impatient

- Think too much about everything

- Studious

- Lonely

- Forgotten

- Problems with deadlines, do everything at the last minute.

- Avoid fights / arguments with people she doesn't know, but if it's someone close and it's a silly fight, she'll defend that she's right until the end, if she's wrong in the fight, she'll just be quiet for a while. If it is a serious fight, she will argue for some time until the tears stop her from continuing, and then she will be silent for a long time.

- Too stubborn

- Sarcastic with the closest people

- Always try to look for the good in people, but it is impossible for her to achieve kindness in certain people.

- Pessimistic

- Very sensitive / hurts / cries easily

- Perfectionist

- Very insecure

- She cannot express in words what she feels for other people

Likes:

Chocolate

Coffee

Rainy days

Winter

Music (Mainly, pop and  rock)

To drive

Flowers

Taking pictures (mainly of landscapes)

Animals

Old things, like things related to the 60s, 70s, 80s and 90s, or things from centuries ago

History

Books

Learn things

Horror stuff (games, books, movies)

Mystery

Horseback riding

Nature

Farms

See the city lights at night

Night

Games (both video games and board / cards)

Comics, Movies, Series etc about Superheroes

Mexican food

Travel

Psychology / Understanding the human mind

Buy drawing materials and books (even though she will never use / read them)

Big clothes

Wind

Ride a bike

Explore Abandoned Places

Dislikes:

Summer

Hot days

Insects

Spiders

Her mind

Who annoy her

People fighting

See things or people comment on things related to death or illness

Having to be patient

Who speak ill of her family

Working in a group

That people belittle her feelings

Parties

People

Delays

Alcoholic beverages

Buy clothes

Make up

High heels

Short dresses

Physics

Fears / Phobias / Things that bother her:

Spiders

Falling / High height

To drown

Die

Getting seriously ill

Dark / Night

To sleep

People

Speak in public

Losing her family

Stay alone

Crowds

Closed places

Tight clothes (Because she feels they are suffocating her)

Arrive late

Forget things

Having a car accident

Never be loved / Stop being loved

Future

May her fears come true

Skills:

- To draw

- Write

- Cook

- Game programming 

- Sing

- Play keyboard and guitar

- To compose

- To dance

Hobbies:

Basically, it's her skills + reading + playing video games + taking pictures of the landscape.

Job:

Usually she either works as a waitress in a coffee shop or works in a supermarket (working at the checkout or replacing products on shelves)

As much as many find it strange, MC is very happy in her work, and does not mind working in "simple" jobs (basically jobs that earn little), and as much as she doesn't have much money, just enough to live reasonably well, she is happy with what she has and doesn't care about the money.

College: 

She studies digital game design

I think that's it, there are some other things that I only do when I'm writing specific situations, for example, MC's opinions on certain subjects, and honestly I don't have time at the moment to make the MC's different opinions, and just say that she tries to be as neutral as she can, because she knows that extremes are never good, and that when asked which side she is in a situation (depending on what it is, but usually she says), she says doesn't have a side because it doesn’t identify herself by either side, because both are extreme, and this usually leads people to think that it’s on the fence, but it’s not like that, it’s more or less. "You were teleported to a place, there are two paths, one on the right and the other on the left, at the beginning of each of these paths there is a person, each talking about their paths and talking about why their path is the best of than the other and why you should follow their path. And then you must make a choice of which path to follow " But MC does not agree with either side, and will not wait there to see which side gives her the best benefit as many would do, she goes there and moves on, where there is no path, where there is no one, because she doesn't want to be on anyone's side, she wants to make her own opinions, and not follow what a group is saying. 

Oh, and one of the philosophies she follows is of yin and yang, which says something like "There is good and there is evil, both need each other to exist, there is no good without evil, and no there is evil without good, and that nothing can be completely good or evil, since, however small, there is evil in good, and there is good in evil. "

Some phrases she would say:

"You can say anything about me, but don't come and talk about my family"

"I can't always do it, but I always try to be balanced, because I know that nothing comes out of extremism, no matter which side."

"I'm a Christian, I may not have proofs but I believe in God, but I don't believe everything in the Bible because it was made by humans, and I know that many of them used and still use people's faith to do very bad things . "

"Sorry, but I suck at remembering names, in fact, I suck at remembering."

"Shit, I knew I was forgetting something."

"I hate logic, most of these things don't make any sense!"

"At least I have you with me here DN" (DN = dog name)

"There is nothing that is not so bad that it cannot get worse"

"I think I celebrated too soon"

"I sleep! But no matter what I do, I will be forever sleepy!"

"No matter what I do, my thoughts disturb me from the moment I wake up until bedtime, and even while I'm asleep. And it happens every day."

"Sometimes ... I think ... people would be better off if I didn't exist. I just hinder and hurt people." 

"I don't know when or how it started, I just know that I have been scared forever"

"I don't do it because I want to! It's not my fault if I'm easily distracted"

"I think writing is the only way to say what I feel"

"Yes, I know, I'm crazy, you don't have to tell me that"

"I'm not a normal person. Maybe I'm not even a human? What if I'm an alien and I don't know? A synthetic human? A robot with high artificial intelligence that is identical to that of humans?"

"I don't like to be afraid, but I love to see and read horror stuff."

"I love old things, they are so fascinating"

"What day is it today?"

"I just wanted to have a little courage that other people have"

"I have no hope of anything, as always, every time I had hope, very bad things happened, close people and pets died when I had hope that they would survive. For me, hope has long since died."

"I think, in a way, I am a miracle, just like my brother. I mean, it was almost impossible for my mom to have a baby, and look, here I am."

"I'm not cute!"

"I'm not short, I'm average height, it's the rest of the people who are very tall"

(Maybe I wrote a lot? Did I overdo it?)

Sorry if there is something confusing or errors in English 

[amazingphanisnotonfire-imagines]

Kevin//you know i'll never be lonely, you're my only one

Request: Hi can I request a platonic Kevin/Jones!reader where Jug'a sister is best friends with Kevin and is with the core 4 when they find him alone at the Farm and she brings him home with her and there's hugging and hot chocolate and cuddling? Please? My boy needs love!

hey! i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again...kevin keller deserves the world! anyway, i hope you enjoy! also, the title is from a queen song (you’re my best friend) if you’re wondering! i absolutely love this song, and i recommend you listen to it if you’re sad (which i hope you’re not). also, to the anon (and anyone else who needs it) who was sad last night, i don’t know if this is something you’re going to read, but if you do, i hope it cheers you up!  

When the sun rose over Riverdale, bringing with it a new day as well as a second chance, you thought it was the end of your troubles. 

A night of being hunted down with your friends and brother through the dark woods had eventually ended. And as you hugged the people you thought you’d die with, you knew you don’t think you’d ever be as happy to see Cheryl Blossom ever again.

However, just as day was bringing a new dawn, effectively solving all your problems, across town they were just starting for your best friend. 

You just didn’t know yet. 

Its only when Betty pulls away from your group hug, frantically asking about her mom do you realize that maybe not everything is okay. Because despite the fact that the five of you are safe, it doesn’t mean everybody else is. 

And at the top of that very long list is Kevin Keller. 

Betty is first through the chapel door, but you’re not far behind her and as soon as you run in, you come to an abrupt halt. If it weren’t so depressing, the scene in front of you would have been breathtaking. The candles flickering, the clothes neatly folded and the general atmosphere reminds you of something from an old film. 

But as soon as you see Kevin sat on the floor, legs pulled up to his chest and a completely broken look on his face, the allusions shatters...along with your heart.

“Kevin?” Betty asks and his head lifts slightly. 

“They left me.” Your expression softens at the tone in his voice and you swear you can actually feel your heart cracking. 

Kevin has been your best friend for years, he’s stuck with you despite the obvious divide between the two of you. Him being from the Northside with a sheriff dad, and you being from the southside with a gang member dad, its far to say there were a few people who disapproved of your friendship. Not that either of you cared, you were best friends...platonic soulmates...who cares what anybody else thinks. And even though the two of you had grown apart over the past few months (specifically when the farm came to town), you always managed to find your way back to each other. 

So seeing him like this physically hurts you. He’s already been through so much and right now you want to scream and shout at the universe for treating the kindest and by far the best human like utter crap. 

“I wanted to go, but they said that someone had to stay behind to explain what happened.” He sobs and the seven of you exchange looks. 

“What did happen?” Archie asks. 

“The worthy ascended, of course.” He scoffs. 

“Who did? Where’s my mom? And Polly?” Betty asks and you roll your eyes at her. 

Despite her being sweet and kind the majority of the time, she did sometimes get a little wrapped up in herself and her issues, and right now, that annoys you. Because here Kevin is, abandoned by this group that brainwashed and alienated him, only for Betty to care more about two grown adults who can usually make their own decisions. 

“Gone.” He states, anger in his voice as he stares vacantly in front of him. “Everyone is. And we’ll never see them again.” The room suddenly feels colder all of sudden, Betty lets out a small cry as she practically falls into Jughead’s arms, while the rest of you stand around, none of you wanting to move...just in case. 

You’re the first one to do anything. You make your way towards Kevin and cautiously sit beside him. 

“Are you okay?” You ask. You’ve asked him that countless of times, but this is the first time its ever felt like you’re asking a stranger. You may be sat beside him but you feel a thousand miles apart. Usually you’re attached at the hip, but there’s a rather large space between you, physically as well as metaphorically and it just feels wrong. 

“I-” He cuts himself off before he can say anything further. Instead he just cries, his head drops to his hands and you’ve never seen somebody look so lonely, despite being surrounded by people. 

You don’t say anything in return, you just wrap your arms around him and pull him into a tight hug. 

The two of you stay like that for at least half an hour. Eventually everybody else goes, Jughead being the last one to leave, sending you a small smile before closing the door behind him, until its just the two of you again. 

It takes some persuading, but eventually you get Kevin back to your house. Thankfully your dad has already left for work so there’s no awkward questions about why you’re covered in mud and why Kevin is crying. 

“Here.” You hand him a mug. Its his favourite one. Something you got him to keep at your house. A small smile twitches at the corner of his lips as he takes it, but it disappears as quickly as it came, instead leaving behind a miserable expression. 

You remember the last time you gave him hot chocolate in that mug, but the memory does nothing to make you feel better. If anything it just makes your heart ache more. 

“You always make the best hot chocolate.” He’d said, an eager smile on his lips as he watched you slowly bring it to him. 

“I always put double the recommended powder in.” 

“Ahhh, so now I know you secret recipe.” 

“Plus, the cream and sprinkles help a lot too.” 

“Yeah.” He agreed. “Very true. But we can just pretend its all you.” 

“Aww, thanks.” 

“Hey. If there’s ever a day that your hot chocolate doesn’t make me smile, just assume that I’m dead inside.” 

“You’re so dramatic.” You’d rolled your eyes at him, and he’d gasped loudly, feigning offence.

“I know. But its part of my charm.” 

“Keep telling yourself that.” 

“It is.” 

“Has that ever actually worked on anybody.” 

“Not yet...but it will.” 

His eyes had been so full of hope, now they were just dark. Like all the light had been sucked out of them. 

The house is quiet, but its nice. Compared to the eery quiet of the woods and the farm, its quite comforting and you’re very glad to be back home, especially after thinking you wouldn’t be so lucky. 

“Thanks.” He replies, taking a sip before placing it on the coffee table. If you’re being honest, its nice having Kevin here. Its something else to focus on instead of being stuck in a continuous loop of your memories of the previous nights. Although you’d much rather prefer he was upset over some boy thats broken his heart. 

“Do you want another blanket?” You offer, rearranging the one you’ve already draped across his shoulders. “Or the TV? I can put a film or something on? Or we can just see what’s on? Or music? Do you want anything to eat?” You know you’re fussing over him, and you know he’s going to hate it. But there’s nothing else you can do. You can’t go back and change everything, no matter how hard you try. 

A part of you feels like its your fault. Kevin is supposed to be you’re best friends, but you still let him get caught up in all of this. You let the farm take him, you made him feel alone. You made him feel the need to find friendship and family somewhere else, somewhere dangerous. 

And by the time you realized what was happening, it was too late. Despite the numerous attempts. It was too late to help him.

Now he’s sat on your couch, clutching an old blanket around him like his life depends on it, and you really don’t know if he’s ever going to fully recover from this. 

“Why do things like this keep happening to me? Am I cursed? Do you think I’m cursed?” He breaks the silence. Maybe he know’s exactly what you were just thinking. Or maybe he’s just thinking out loud, but either way it makes you frown and quickly face him. 

“Kevin. You’re not cursed.” You grab his hand and he forces himself to look at you. 

“It sure feels like I am.” 

“The only thing that is cursed, is Riverdale. But we’re not going to be here forever. We’ve got one year left at school, and then we’re out of here. We’re going to do all of the things we’ve had planned since we were little. Our road trips across the country. Our apartment together thats filled with trinkets and utter junk that we’ve picked up over the years. We’re going to meet so many new, normal people and we’re going to shock them with our shared trauma. You’re going to meet a nice boy who treats you like you created the universe. You’re going to be so happy, I just know it. And one day this is all going to feel like a far away nightmare. Riverdale and all of its horrors will just be distant memory, something you laugh about from time to time. Okay?” You hold your pinkie out towards him and he sends you a look. “I promise. And I never break a promise.” 

“That is very true.” He nods, wrapping his finger around yours. “Y/n?” 

“Yeah?” 

“I’ve been so alone the past few months.” 

“I know.” You smile sadly at him, wiping a few tears from your cheeks. “But I’m always going to be here for you, no matter what happens. You’re my best friend and I love you so much. You brighten my day just by walking through a door, and no matter how much I dread doing something, you make it 1000 times more bearable.”

“Y/n.” His expression mirrors yours. Sadness mixed with hope, and more than a few tears, but you know what he’s trying to say. 

“No matter how alone you feel, you’re not, okay? You are never ever alone. No matter what day of the week, or what time, or even how far apart we are. I’m always going to be here.”

“I love you.” 

“I know you do.” You nudge him softly. A slight smile appears on his lips, and even though its not the same as his usual, its better than nothing, and so you take that as a win. Your head falls to his shoulder and he rests his on top of yours, both of you finally feeling somewhat at peace after months of hell. 

“What the hell happened to you?” He asks suddenly and you pull away from him. He’s looking you up and down, a concerned expression on his face while he waits for your answer. “Why do you look like...that?” 

“I was hunted through the woods by Penelope Blossom and a bunch of other psychos.” You shrug and his eyes widen. 

“Wha-” 

“But thats not important right now.” You shake your head. “What’s important, is that you’re safe. And we’re going to need re-fills soon.” You look towards the mugs on the table. Neither of them are anywhere close to being empty, but you just want to change the subject and thankfully Kevin gets it. “I think we both deserve extra sprinkles this time.” 

[carternate]

i really dont understand my own feelings

and im fucking terrified of myself.

i refuse to say im okay anymore. my head isnt okay

what im feeling isnt fucking normal

and i take it out on my girlfriend but in the same respect im terrified of telling her shit because i will be exposed. i trust her i want her and i love her more than anything. but i dont know how to explain my emotions anymore. i never did actually. im a fucking mess in general. i hate that i feel stuck in a prison of my own body. its not the dumb ass transgender feeling

its a literal feeling of a cage.

i hate the people in my past. i hate that they still have an impact

i hate that i cant control myself like i used to be able to and that i cant even take my medication because i tell myself im too tough for it lmao. i literally was so close to ending my life, but in an instant this time. not some pussy shit where i begged for help and then it was possible for someone to save me

i almost really just ended it. ended it because i didnt find value in it.

i dont feel good enough and everything seems wrong

but i want to be okay and be good and make it to heaven. i used to have a passion

i used to love god with all my heart but i cant even understand it anymore

its noones fault but my own

and that hurts even more

i cant even try to blame it on another its on me this time

ive lost control

i cant even think long enough to listen in my hour long class.

i thought i was broken before because of a family that degraded me

but whatever the fuck i feel now feels eighty times worse

but i keep it internal and i cant keep it in anymore

im going to fucking explode

im falling apart completely

and im going insane

and i dont feel that i belong here

i literally will sit in my car and think of scenarios

but when i actually start to FEEL its absolutely ridiculous and insane

and SO much.

i try to bring positivity and help anna

and i try to be sure that sentences like this dont happen

but flashbacks hit me hard

the hospital, that week. that first week was insane.

its fucked to say

but i felt like i belonged there. i felt like that could be my home. from the daily vitals,to the little kid that cried in the cornwr, to the creepy ass schizophrenic girl that was my roommate, to jenna, to my freak outs.

i was crazy. but i got to take it out and do it and have people who understood it and tried to help.

geneva ohio. is not a place where i can be okay and myself authentically

i cant even be myself at my fucking work place.

nobody understands shit other than the kids that were there

during our group sessions and even during school i felt like it was okay.

there is just a hole in my head that i can not find anything to fill

im curious about everything and i hve no idea what about

i have questions

so fucking many

and noone wants to hear them

i hate that i cant concentrate

i hate that when i tell my dad im not okay i cant even look him in the eye because all i can picture is coming out of the ambulance and seeing my mom and dad looking at me screaming what hppened

and i have never felt like that in my life.

i cant let go of that. i cant let go of the visual of mallory laying at the edge of my bed before i got sent away to laurelwood looking at me like “fuck dude. you really tried.” she looked sorry for me, but not the kind that people like want. not the kind of compassion

but the scared kind. she looked scared of me. nothing has been the same aince.i want to drown iut my thoughts

and my stupid fucking stutter

and i want to lay in annas arms and cry everything out

but i also want to fucking beat the shit out of someone

and thats not me. im not violent. but i want to like bEAT THE SHIT out of someone. anyone at this point. but whatever

i dont understand how things that are so fucking simple to other people are like fucking complete brain aches for me.

i cant go anywhere alone because i am scared of being physically alone but mentally ive never been more lonely and that scares me.

the story never ends i guess.

i hate how my mind can be spinning in circles and people that say they are there can be right next to me complaining and have no idea i want to jab a knife into my body lol

but then all i would be is a coward if i just ended it all. it would technically be the easy way out and i dont want to be that person. thinking about death doesnt really even scare me anymore, and that thought scares me more than death itself.

in a perfect world i guess everything would be fine

and i would be happy

and never necessarily need to think about things that hurt me or have those little bullets shot at my head with every turn i take.

but thats not reality, and realizing that alone needs

to be a priority that i take.

i probably wont ever live a life without triggers, depression, or anxiety.

and that fucking sucks.

especially because i know that people fake their mental illness just for the attention and they dont have to live with something that prevents them from doing everyday activities or being terrified of little shit

but in my opinion that attention people seek from illness or anything in general is the worst part about it. i hate when people find out about the hospital.

i get embarrassed regardless of how many times people will tell me its okay

like sure its okay. but its not normal. going to a mental institution shouldnt be something everyone does

or everyone knows someone who went. thats just fucked. and i hate that im someone that people will be like “oh emily went to one” or the questions i will get from people are absolutely morbid and NOT their business but i feel obligated to talk about it when people ask. its a fucked up world dude. and sometimes im really fucking sick of living in it.

i just want to be okay again, even if its for a second. just a second of peace and a second of understanding. a fucking break would be nice?

a vacation away with anna and my kitty? if i could get that right now my entire heart would be full. i need two weeks to mentally get myself okay again. but lucky for me that’s not possible, and some may say “welcome to the adult world” and that is such a fucking understatement.

this is never going to be over

and im always going to not be afraid of death and im always going to not know shit about myself and im always not going to treat anyone right and i cant fucking even breathe when im walking yet i still have to work daily. and im so sick of it from beginning to end. and i want my story to fucking end already.

God if you can see this by some small celestial chance you actually give a shit about Earth and its inhabitants fucking help me.