#also hopefully i haven't forgotten any but i think i got all the big ones. i considered adding unity's nothing is true but idk if it counts

[yeehawbvby]

Falling Away With You | Ch. 48

Sebastian x F!Reader and M. Rasmodius x F!Reader

Rating: Mature/Explicit

Chapter Summary: Y/n goes a little apeshit at JojaMart lmao

Author’s Note: *Crawls out of a pit covered in dirt and blood. Slaps this chapter down in front of you, on a SUNDAY no less!*

My health situation hasn’t improved whatsoever, but I will prevail, damnit!!

I wrote most of this and posted to ao3 early this morning, and haven't had a chance to proofread really. I'll do my best to get that done soon ^.^ Sorry if there are any weird wordings. Also sorry for the complete lack of Seb and Magnus in this one, I hope the shenanigans make up for it <3

Table of Contents + Work Summary

Check it out on ao3!

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I hate that stupid, cryptic, blue note I got.

Ever since it came, I think about it every time I check the mailbox, without fail. I don’t want to, I kinda just want to forget it exists, but I just… I dunno. I have a bad feeling about it. A gut feeling. Like, something’s totally up with it. It’s just been sitting in my closet for safekeeping until I decide what to do, though.

For some reason, I’ve been too nervous to bring it back up to Magnus. He’s forgotten it exists, from what I can tell. I think I’ll do my best to keep it that way for now. It feels more like my burden to bear than his, and besides, he’s already got the whole region to take care of.

After today’s confirmation that I don’t have bills or anything important like that, I head inside to get ready to leave the farm. Reeeally hoping my routine will shake out my heebiejeebies.

I got the OK from Magnus to use his fancy shrine for Spirit’s Eve. Got an idea of what I think I want to make myself look like, too. Maybe a tiefling or something. If tieflings don’t really exist, I’m sure some sort of succubi, or imps, or some sort of creature that looks like one’s gotta, no? I suppose I could always fall back on just pretending I’m an elf… man, a tail and horns would be so fun though. 

Either way, tomorrow is the big day and I am so ready for it.

I mean, like, almost ready. Whatever.

Today I’m going to Magnus’ place to get some practice in. Just a precautionary measure to try not to, like, blow myself up or something.

I’m gonna keep my outfit cozy and easy to move around in, but I have half a mind to make sure I wouldn’t mind losing these clothes in particular if something goes wrong with the transformation. Just some leggings, some crew-cut socks, an old hoodie, and my favorite boots, since I won’t have my shoes on in the shrine anyway. All of it is in black. Sebastian cosplay. 

I’ll pop my red studs in too, gotta commit to the bit. I haven’t had time to talk to The Emo and see if he actually did get his shit pierced last night, but assuming he did, and assuming he was able to use these for it, I wanna go all out, baby.

Now, before I head to the tower, I’ve got some errands to run around town. I woke up a bit late so there’s gonna be more people out than I’m looking forward to, but hopefully I have no creepy Alex encounters or awkward conversations with Shane again.

I promised Sam I’d visit him at work sometime soon, so I might as well head there first. He hates it there, and it’s been a while since we’ve caught up, so I’ll hopefully be a welcome distraction. I’ll bring him a coffee too to keep his spirits high.

After it’s done brewing, I grab two foam cups and pour the coffee in. Knowing Sam, he probably needs this stuff sweet, and I’m in the mood for sweet too, so I pour in a bunch of vanilla-flavored creamer. To make the beverages ~gourmet,~ I add a little whipped cream to each, as well as a light drizzle of chocolate syrup. After securing the plastic lids and giving Cannoli some well-deserved love, I head out.

While I pass by the bus stop, I make eye contact with Pam. I’ve never spoken to her, but… I dunno. I can’t tell if I like her or not. She gives me a nasty stink eye and I can only further assume she’s as mean as she outwardly appears. Unless she was just cursed with an intense resting bitch face...

I smile Pam’s way anyway. She doesn’t smile back, but that’s okay. It doesn’t benefit anyone to be so judgemental of her.

I pass a few local moms once I make it to the town square. None really mind me, which could mean they either didn’t notice, or they don’t care. Either is fine by me. I don’t hear what they’re saying, but Caroline talks very animatedly just before the rest of the group bursts into laughter.

I turn my attention back ahead as I pass by Pierre’s and nearly bump into Marnie as she’s leaving the shop.

We both squeak out a little “Oh!” before apologizing in unison.

“I wasn’t really paying attention,” I double down. 

“Oh, that’s fine. I rarely ever am!” She then motions to the two cups in my hands and adds, laughing, “At least the coffee’s safe!”

I awkwardly nod in agreement. Then, a brief flash of myself actually spilling coffee somewhere down the road raids my mind, my necklace tingling against my skin and my fingers practically buzzing.

Great.

“Everything alright, sweetie?”

That probably looked weird. “Yeah, sorry,” I try to recover, “just sleepy today!”

I take a sip of coffee to emphasize my point. Plus, I might as well drink what I can before these puppies go down. Hopefully I’ll be able to save at least one of them when the time comes.

“Aw, I’m sorry to hear that!” She puts a gentle hand on my shoulder. “I need to get back to the shop, but take it easy and don’t overwork yourself, you hear?” 

I nod, thanking her and waving her off with a shy grin before I continue moving. Once I get closer to the spot I’m supposed to be spilling these drinks — just before that little bridge over the river by JojaMart — I begin to walk more cautiously. If I can just keep these steady and focus on the ground… 

A sneeze creeps up on me. Oh god. Oh god oh fuck oh no.

Just as I’m beginning to carefully place one of the cups on the side of the bridge for safe keeping, the sneeze forces its way out of me. Luckily, one beverage — the one I hadn’t drank from yet — stays safely in my hand. Unluckily, the one I was working on trying to keep safe fell to the stones at my feet, opening up and dispersing its contents fucking everywhere.

God damnit. 

“Nice one.”

God fucking damnit.

I look up to the voice. It turns out Shane’s outside having a smoke. He’s at the opposite end of the bridge watching my clumsiness unfold with an aloof look about him. He’s bent over to lean on the stone wall, his right elbow propped up and his corresponding cheek in his palm. His left forearm is flat against the structure while his left hand lazily dangles his cigarette between two fingers.

Is that pink nail polish on one of them? I wonder if that’s Jas’ doing. 

I merely groan back my response, picking up the now-empty cup to discard in the trash bin near the store. As I proceed on my walk of shame past Shane, I point out, “At least my clothes stayed safe.”

Shane follows and asks, “How many ants do you think you murdered with that accident?” 

I grin a little at his dry humor. “Oh it was a massacre,” I bounce back. “The war in Gotoro pales in comparison.”

“Ha!” Oh my god, I made Shane — the grumpiest fuck I’ve ever met — laugh?! “Right on. Seems like pointless violence anyway.” 

I turn to see if I can catch him smiling for the first time, like, ever. It’s not there anymore, but there’s a residual brightness in his features.

Shane snuffs out his cig on the ashtray built into the garbage’s lid, abandoning it there before shoving his hands in the pockets of his bright blue shorts.

“Those sons’a bitches,” he nods in the direction of my carnage, “they had it coming.”

My nose scrunches as I laugh a little, giving him a funny look. “Damn, what’d they do to you?”

There’s a playful glint in his eye, as he deadpans me. “Exist.”

I shrug and nod — I get it, they can be pretty annoying! — and follow the man as he makes his way through the white-rimmed, glass-centered automatic doors. I try not to cringe outwardly at how many self-righteous pro-Joja fliers are on them.

Shane stops a few steps into the store. Turns around. I stop too and look up, tilting my head. What’re you looking at, punk? I think to myself. Dunno if I’d be pushing my limits by trying to say it out loud. Better not.

Shane gives me a weird look too, but I can barely see it. My senses are taking their damn time getting used to the obnoxiously fluorescent lighting.

“Don’t you shop at Pierre’s?” Shane wonders out loud.

I blink a few times as I adjust to the environment and then nod. “Visiting Sam,” I explain.

“Ah.” He nods too, in understanding, and then looking the other way he continues, “Enjoy.”

Shane makes his way towards a door to the right of the manager’s office. Says “Employee’s only,” so I’m assuming it’s a break room or something. I don’t miss the incorrect apostrophe, but choose not to linger on it either.

“You too.” He looks back over his shoulder, so I pair my well wishes with a lazy salute.

“Buh.”

…Buh?

I smile. I think he’s warming up to me!

Feeling a tad lost now that I’m alone, I look around before making any advances. Should’ve asked Shane if he knew where Sam would be around now. I dunno how the shifts work around here.

The cashiers to my left — a visibly exhausted red headed woman, probably in her late 30s or early 40s; and a scrawny, scruffy looking teenager, with thick-framed glasses sitting atop his freckled nose — both look miserable.

The boy is boredly leaning against the counter, zoned out on the ground in front of it. The woman looks totally spaced out on nothing in particular. It almost seems like she’s fighting off sleep, too. Poor lady. 

The woman and I lock onto each other. She looks away from my face before I can even register it, but I notice her eyes flicker longingly to the coffee cup in my hand a few times after the fact. I peer between her and the beverage twice before I all but scurry away into the aisles. I’m too awkward for this. My only option is to retreat. Never said I wasn’t a coward.

While I venture past the boatloads of boxed, bagged and canned foods in search of the resident dog boy, I observe some of the products. Some don’t look safe for consumption, while others seem like they’d be fun to try as a one-off sort of deal. It overlaps a few times as well. I mean, why wouldn’t I want to try this cereal which very explicitly states on the box that it’s more sugar than grains? It makes me stifle a giggle. I like the brutal honesty. 

I stop and stare at it for a sec. Gnawing my lip. Wondering if I should just…

No. I shan’t.

I break away from temptation and trek on. As I reach the end of the aisle, I pan across the back of the store. More shelf-stable products, a small produce section… ah!

Sam looks like he’s supposed to be mopping the floor near the freezers. To be fair, he is holding a mop, and it is touching the floor! But instead of cleaning, he uses the tool as a microphone; singing against the end of the brown wooden handle, both hands passionately gripping it as he bends his torso to quietly belt one part in particular. Sam’s eyes are shut, his bulky black headphones are secured over his ears, and he has not a single worry in the world. 

Holding his coffee in both hands now, I stop walking and lean against a nearby shelf. Observing. Waiting. Eventually he’ll have to see me.

He does a little spin move and carelessly bumps into the bucket of soapy water he’s working with, causing it to slosh around a little. Some of it lands on the floor, and some on the pants of Sam’s jumpsuit. Doesn’t faze him in the slightest. 

He does another spin the opposite way and nearly knocks over the conveniently placed display of sprinkles that are situated right in front of the ice cream freezer.

I feel like I should probably stop him before something bad happens, but he looks so damn content and so stinkin’ cute that I can’t be assed. 

Just as I’m thinking this, he opens his eyes, completely avoiding my direction while he immediately peers over his shoulder. Sam scans around, getting a full view of the proximate areas. It seems like he’s just making sure he’s not about to get caught by his boss or something, if I had to guess.

Eventually he lands on me. We both smile wide, and I triumphantly hold up his (unspilled!!) coffee in one hand, presenting it with a small flourish of the other and a bow of my head.

“For you, my good sir.” I make sure to sound extra fancy, dropping my voice an octave and annunciating my words a bit too much.

He looks around again before meeting me in the middle with a fist bump, completely ignoring my bit. Aw man.

“Hell yeah, thanks dude!” 

I shoot some awkward finger guns at him, “You got it, bud.”

“You didn’t make yourself one?”

I sigh, lamenting, “I did…”

Sam scans my face as we share a short silence. Then, the lightbulb almost visibly goes off in his noggin. “You spilled it, didn’t you?”

Pursing my lips, I nod. “I spilled it, yeah.” 

“Buuummer, dude.” He pats my head and I sigh, leaning into his touch. I’ll be damned if I don’t still love head-pats, even if it’s been a while since I’ve gotten one. “Wanna split this one then?” he offers, palm still on my crown. At this point he’s just trying to messy me up.

“No thanks, I’ll just grab another later if I’m really craving it.” Not having noticed the trance I’ve been in as my hair gets slowly and steadily ruined — it feels nice, okay? — I finally look up at him, cheekily glaring as I manually remove his large hand from me. I add on as I try to repair the frizzy aftermath, “Sick performance, by the way!” 

“You think so?” he beams. Makes me laugh.

“Of course! It looked like you were having a lot of fun.”

Sam’s face is a bit flushed as he takes the compliment, not even trying to hide it; he has a big goofy grin on his face, too.

It drops and Sam looks behind him as a deep voice with a bit of a southern twang booms from one of the aisles nearby. “Samson?”

“Shit, here.”

Sam hurriedly places his coffee into my hand and rushes back near his water bucket, looking around for his manager as he moves. I try to make things less suspicious by pretending to look at some nearby end caps. 

I take a peek over when I hear Sam greet the man, “Hiya! What’s up, Morris?”

Crossing his arms and puffing out his chest to try and make himself look mighty, a man in a navy blue suit, a bright red bow tie, and a poorly-applied black toupee corrects him. “That’s Mr. Saxton, son.” 

I roll my eyes. Awesome to know the guy running this Joja is just as insufferable as the dudes who work on the corporate side.

Sam puts an anxious hand on the back of his neck, and halfheartedly smiles as he apologizes, his speaking patterns much more formal than before. Poor guy… it hurts to see him having to tone it down so much for this dipshit.

I turn my attention back in front of me so as to give him some privacy. Not sure he’d want me to hear him getting his ear talked off.

This display is full of holiday cards... I might as well waste some time with these bad boys. I pick up one with a cartoon beagle wearing a birthday hat on it, stealing a sip of Sam’s coffee as I read the pun on the front: “Have a doggone good birthday!” Alright, nice and cheesy start…

I flip the card open. It starts blaring Baha Men’s “Who Let The Dogs Out.” Fucking hell. Jumpscare me, why doncha! I shudder at how tinny the music sounds — likely made worse by its volume — then close the card and place it back in its spot, not bothering to read more.

“Excuse me, miss?”

I peer over my left shoulder, and see that Mr. Saxton is making his way towards me. A vein is popping in his forehead, but he has a toothy smile on his face that screams customer service. Not sure what’s going on and feeling a little anxious about the situation, I don’t answer with words — I just turn my body to him and watch him expectantly. 

My eyes flicker to Sam real quick, who’s closer to the opposite end of the freezers now. He’s looking over here though, and when his eyes catch mine, he mouths “Go!” and motions his arm towards the front end of the store. Maybe he got caught socializing or something… wouldn’t doubt that there’s probably heavy surveillance in here. Man.

I look back at Sam’s boss as he says, “I’m going to need you to discard your beverage.”

My brows furrow and I tilt my head. “Why?”

Ah, he’s the asking-questions-is-talking-back type: He huffs a deep breath and tilts his head as if to mimic me, clasping his fingers together in front of his ribs. The smile and vein are both still on his face.

“It is not only unacceptable to bring your own food into a grocery store,” he strains, “but I cannot have you spilling your drink all over our products.”

…I haven’t spilled anything. What does he think I am, some crusty little kid? 

Damn, this is bringing out a rage that I haven’t experienced since working behind a Joja desk. I didn’t know I was even capable of it anymore. Must be something about the overstimulatingly bright blues, or the blindingly white strips of lights. Same ones we had above each cubicle in the office.

My anxiety is rapidly replaced with a petty yearn to cause a ruckus as I realize that I don’t work for Joja anymore. I never have to even come here again, actually.

I don’t answer to this fucko! I don’t answer to anyone!

Screw this guy!

Feeling courageous, I put on my own customer service mask as I inquire, “Do you want me to spill this on your products?”

“E-excuse me?!”

I hover the cup near the cards, tilting it a little. Doing a little eyebrow wiggle too for good measure. “It feels like you dooo.”

“I— w-what are you doing?”

Seb would be so proud if he were here. Not sure how Magnus would react, but I’d like to imagine he’d support me too.

Completely on impulse, I bring the cup in front of me and splash a little coffee in the man’s direction instead of the cards’. The now-lukewarm liquid splatters onto the white button-down beneath his jacket and rapidly seeps into the fabric, leaving a light brown, unsightly splotch.

Sick, got him where it hurts and none got on the floor! Less work for Sam!

Making sure my voice is just as cheery as Morris was trying to keep his, I cap this off, “Stop treating your employees like crap and stop treating complete strangers like children, asshole.”

This feels so good. My heart is racing and my pits feel a little moist and I might just end up an anxious mess the second I walk away, but I’ll be damned if this isn’t cool as fuck in the moment. When Leah asked me last week if Magnus ever wanted to go apeshit, it didn’t even occur to me how badly I wanted to go apeshit.

I walk down the nearest aisle as Morris continues sputtering something about me leaving, paying for this, whatever.

Shane’s kneeled down in the middle of the aisle stocking shelves. He faces me for a moment and grins slyly. “That was cool as hell.” Why does this feel so validating? “A woman after my own heart.” 

HUH?

I blink that fucking flashbang away — seriously, the last time I saw him he was still being a dick, and today he’s treating every interaction like we’re fully acquainted, if not more, what the heck — as he turns away to scan items onto the shelf again.

“I really didn’t do much…” I really didn’t. Just kinda caused a minor inconvenience for the guy. 

My hands are shaking though, so it must be catching up to me.

“That still took some balls.” He glimpses at me briefly and adds, “Y’look like you might cry, though. Get outta here before I change my mind about you.”

I huff out a quiet laugh and steady Sam’s — well, my, now — coffee in both hands. “On it, boss.”

[studentbyday]

oops! i did it again. lessons from this school year...

Hey, you remember that post I made about my winter term priorities? HAHAHAHAHahaha ha ha. That plan totally went to shit, but it's all part of the journey, right? 😅 (Tbh, it's quite difficult to make a conscious effort to change yourself when the default response to being and feeling busy is to go on autopilot -> all the unconscious habits, even if unhealthy, take control, and bc it's unconscious, you don't realize it until it gets quite bad! anyway! no more! my future plans make it so this will be impossible to do while still retaining some sense of sanity. so to prep, we're gonna slowly implement little changes so hopefully it's not so overwhelming that i give up)

🧘🏻‍♀️ comparing mindsets in fall and winter term

Fall term was not that bad bc I had 2 STEM subjects I really really loved and was interested in (biochem and mol bio 💕), and despite their difficulty, that love and interest and the feeling that "I am in the right field for me" kept me positive. There were times I thought I would feel burnout symptoms if I wasn't careful, but I really think that positivity protected me from the worst of it.

Winter term, however...I had one favorite subject: moral philosophy, which led to me wistfully dreaming about an AU in which I double majored in philosophy and piano performance, lol. After the highs of biochem and mol bio and the natural ease with which the bits of info flowed together in those subjects, I did not enjoy pharmacology or the 2nd half of psyc as much -> loss of interest -> negativity and feeling like I'm in the wrong field bc how dare I not like pharmacology (or psychology) as much as the other life science-y subjects when it's really so important for us to survive and thrive! 😅 I mean, there were times I could get that spark from pharmacology or psyc, but it wasn't often enough or intense enough to keep me consistently inspired throughout the semester. The feeling of "maybe I don't have what it takes and I'm in the wrong field" was compounded by the re-realization that there's sm to know of bioinformatics and I struggle to know any of it! Persevering is important, but it's harder to persevere with a negative mindset.

😤 what went wrong this school year and what i learned from it

I still struggle with perfectionism (and bc of it, procrastination). While it might not be as bad as it was in high school, I still spent too long on assignments that weren't worth much and during finals season, was so scared of getting less than 90% just to keep up my A+ streak. Like, I'm pretty sure no one who cares to know your GPA cares about whether you have an A+ streak or not. I have too high a threshold for what is a "disappointing" grade. I also struggle with deep regret about how I haven't mastered everything they throw at us in each course... definitely an unrealistic expectation, especially as the proportion of new info to absorb increases with each course. I did what I could using what I knew to do, so it is what it is. I may find ways to make improvements and learn more, but I won't beat myself up for not having known to do those things in the past.

Did not use effective study methods. Since first year, my problem has been keeping up with the readings and my solution has been to just use typed outline notes. It worked for the first few years when it was mostly review from previous courses with a few new concepts in between. But as I progress through my degree, the proportion of completely new info is increasing. This notetaking method won't work anymore bc it just causes cognitive overload, especially during exam season (when I've mostly forgotten the details of everything that isn't smth I've already known for years). E.g. for pharmacology, I got so bogged down by the details of all the drug classes that I didn't see the big picture and so didn't organize the info according to it. This made it hard to see patterns and better chunk the info. I was so stressed during finals season bc of this (and the sheer amount of notes that I had to read for psyc 😭). What makes it feel like even more of a problem is that the cognitive overload problem from my notetaking method has been a thing for all other uni courses thus far, it's just that pharmacology was the first time I needed to create a stronger connecting thread between the otherwise disparate pieces of info (drug classes). In all other courses, that thread was part of the nature of the topic being studied so I eventually understood it as I kept going and mentally re-organized it in my brain...but even then it was hodge-podge and so my depth of mastery was and is so flimsy, and every semester I leave feeling drained and like I wasted the opportunity to maximize my learning. (How dramatic I get about this is also probably tied to my perfectionism, but I still think it would greatly benefit future me to change my notetaking style.)

🎓 advice for future me

Look at the academic calendar, specifically the faculty course descriptions. Look at how many hours they say you should expect to spend on each activity in the course. Try to use those learning hours as a guide for your schedule so that you don't spend too long on an item that isn't worth much. If there isn't such a breakdown, assume one based on whatever they give you or other courses and adjust from there.

Be a more efficient reader by skimming the text first so you can map the flow of info in a way that best creates ease of understanding/synthesis/memory (e.g. via an outline, tree diagram, flowchart, mind map, or simple drawings - and noticing when a list/outline will NOT be helpful bc it'll just be too overwhelming and not easy to compare/contrast info and see patterns). I knowww you've survived thus far without doing it this way and done well, BUT with this many courses, the increasing complexity of each subject, and the overload of info in each, you WILL need to do this to make quicker work of the readings, save you sooo much stress during exam seasons, and improve how much you learn while in school which is the real goal you've wanted to achieve all this time. Don't repeat the mistake you made in pharmacology. And it really doesn't have to be aesthetic and you definitely should NOT get caught up with it if you really wanna learn. You could just use one color for everything and a highlighter and just basic shapes/lines - that alone can be way more effective than boring paragraphs/lists or a colorful, overly complex diagram that'll just distract you from the main point.

Create a realistic daily routine (wake-up and sleep times, start and end times for schoolwork) and be strict about following it. Set your non-negotiables for personal goals to keep up with alongside your schoolwork bc academics aren't everything. Remember how you regretted not devoting more time to extra-curriculars and other skills in high school which would've rounded you out as a person. You can try theming the parts of the day so that you don't have to think about what task you should do first after study breaks and keep up the momentum (e.g. mornings for readings and notes, afternoons for active recall/homework). Then you can live the rest of the day after school as structured or unstructured as you wish. If this strategy doesn't work for you, you don't have to use it.

Take advantage of interleaving so you don't get bored. Whether by following the theming strategy or just switching subjects every hour, idc if you aren't done yet, you better switch bc the second consecutive hour of the same thing is never as effective as the first.

[beetlebethwrites]

hi hi! first of all I want to state how much I adore your IF so far, I haven't found many IF that are purely slice of life and I am loving it ❤️ 😍 💖 second! do you have any recommendations for IFs? I've just started moving away from the CoG forums and the content here on tumblr is just 🤌 but I'm not too sure where to start? tysm 😊

I mean, I have so many recommendations tbqh. It's a hell of a list and hopefully, I haven't forgotten anyone by the end. I would say that if you've been around for a hot minute you probably know most of these but I'm old and rarely see new stuff atm because I'm a busy bean so...

Recs under the cut;

@northern-passage is such an easy recommendation for me. I'm not super into your more 'classic' fantasy as a genre but Kit has really built up their characters to be something special. The concept of the hunter is a great one and the branching Kit does is insane. I'm so interested to see where it goes and also ready for it to destroy me emotionally.

I haven't played @speakergame in a little while but the cosy vibes I try to get into YLAF are also here. It's not slice of life but it's similar to that with a heap of supernatural stirred in. I'm also excited for @partiallystarsif, which promises to be a game that I've been wishing someone would write.

Project Hadea by @nyehilismwriting is one of the most top tier sci-fi I've read in a while. It has a great MC, a badass partner in Nash and also BUGS. Again, I'm super looking forward to seeing what happens in the next chapter after that cliffhanger. Shit is about to hit the fan and I am here for it.

@if-eventhorizon is written by actual love of my life Brigid. Event Horizon is your pretty typical crew in space doing stuff they shouldn't be kind of sci-fi and I adore it! Can't wait to find out what everyone has done in their past to be there and unravel the situation. Love it! Brigid is also an incredibly talented artist, also writes @if-closedloop and...

@if-lostbirds is again written by Brigid, and although they profess post-apocalyptic Western sci-fi to be niche, I whole heartedly disagree. I adore the writing in this one, they really did something there and I think everyone will get something out of this one. If you're looking for something a little different with fewer (but super meaningful) choices then this is for you! Also I did convince them to put the big worm back into it so... worm.

For someone who would say she doesn't like a western, @larkin-if is also a bit of me. It's got vampires and cool character dynamics between the Preacher (MC) and their father figure Wyatt. Not to mention the ROs are all really cool. I'm excited to meet Ace in the future but it's the whole plot of attempting to hide your true identity that really hooked me in.

@bodycountgame is currently on a little bit of a hiatus because Nell is super busy with real life 😷 but it's still a stand out fave for me, undoubtedly worth the wait. If you want something that's campy, written in proper British dialect and is basically love island with a hell of a twist then this is for you! I can't recommend body count enough, it's what got me moved way from CoG games and into this little community we have!

@thistooshallpass-if is an IF with some of my favourite characters (not hurt by the fact that thyme is also one of my fave people!) I can't wait to see where it goes as I've been promised angst and knowing them I have no doubt! I'm also mega excited for @writingnights because different takes on supernatural creatures is always fun to me.

When Twilight Strikes by @evertidings is popular for a reason. I'm a few chapters behind but just writing about it has made me want to sit down and catch up! Kristi's characters are fun and feel like people to me with their real quirks, which is always something I enjoy. I can't wait to solve the mystery with this one.

@attollogame is a pretty hard one to describe to me so I'd say just play it? The writing and lore surrounding it is so so solid. It's all pretty much just a vibe, and a good one at that. I am not up to date at all but everyone should be better than me and read it!

Golden by @milaswriting is amazing! It's a supernatural romance game and you can just tell that Mila cares so much about the characters she writes, it really comes through in her writing. She's also over at @milaswrittenworld and I'd encourage a follow all around because she is just a really lovely gem of a person.

I haven't read @ofna in a little while but I absolutely adored what I did read (god knows how many updates ago it was). The writing is amazing and, again, I can't wait to get to solve the mystery 👀

I've undoubtedly forgotten so many but these are ones that come to my covid addled mind 😅 I hope this is a good starting place for you, anon 💛

[lowrezbonuslevel]

kirbytober 2023 recap + low rez updates (get your popcorn)

Here's a (somewhat shoddy) graphic with thumbnails of all my Kirbytober artwork this year! It appears I even managed to overcome my coloring (and lining, and rendering) allergy once or twice. Incredible!

Many thanks to @peachsupremeart and @paintpanic for creating their respective 2023 prompt lists, and many thanks to @desultory-novice for composing the combined 2023 prompt list. Please go check out their awesome blogs!

If you want to see the highlights of my Kirbytober drawings, here are some personal favorites, in chronological order:

Day 2 | Day 4 | Day 7 | Day 23 | Day 28

Or, if you're on the lookout for some underground classics, might I suggest these? (They got the least traction during the month.)

Day 5 | Day 11 | Day 15

Not all of my Kirbytober artwork is museum-worthy, but hey, there's something for every day of the October calendar, which I consider to be a win! That being said, I felt pretty burnt out by the end of it. I'll (hopefully) be slowing things down for the rest of the year!

As for what is next, I'm going to try to prioritize stuff from my inbox. I should also mention that I haven't forgotten the comic I asked you folks about not too long ago. It'll be a good while before it's finished, but it's still on the back burner! I think it's a pretty fun one. If you liked any of my Kirbytober comics and want to see a more polished product with all the same nonsense, stay tuned! I even have an exclusive """sneak peek""" to share:

(i take my job here very seriously)

Finally, I owe a big "thank you!" to everyone who liked, reblogged, and commented on my posts throughout October. Your compliments and asides always make me smile!

...And, for now, that's all!

[anakinsthot]

Fic Tag Game!

I was tagged by @veloursdor, @mischievouschan4, and @lilredghost. Y'all probably forgot but I DID NOT. I've just been sad and mopey because I'm working when it's dark out with the time change and it's pitch black by the time I'm home, so I haven't gotten anything done!

How many works do you have on a03?

Ten

2. What’s your ao3 word count?

118,260!!

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Currently just Star Wars! And I don’t foresee that changing. When I first got into fanfic I wrote for Bleach, Final Fantasy VII (oh my god there were song fics, what the fuck), Harry Potter, Marvel Cinematic Universe (I had forgotten about that completely. Hopefully I forget again), and The Hobbit.

4. What are your top five fics by kudos?

Hey this feels like a war crime, actually. They’re all obikin except the first.

Lady of the Rocks, with 1,125 kudos… my Hobbit fic that hasn’t been touched in like 6 years.

Bitter Honey (BEE FIC, BEE FIC, BEE FIC!! Sits at 447 right now)

Anakin Skywalker, Witch (420, nice)

Living with the Present (402)

Tapio (128)

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Yes! Although frequently very late. I got bad about it this summer because this summer sucked, emotionally. But I love it when authors respond to my comments so, as hard as it is for me to believe, I imagine that people enjoy when I respond to their comments and try my best to do it.

6. What’s the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

I don’t think any of them have an angsty ending. One of the Harry Potter fics was going to though. LOL.

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Anakin Skywalker, Witch.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Nope!

9. Do you write smut? If so what kind?

Yes… mostly pretty vanilla right now I think. I need to expand my writing comfort bubble.

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

I haven’t written any. Used to read a ton though.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I’m aware of.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Again, not to my knowledge.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

No. It’s stressful enough trying to match my own writing voice haha.

14. What’s your all time favorite ship?

Obikin, definitely!

15. What’s a WIP you’d like to finish, but doubt you ever will?

My hobbit fic. I still get comment occasionally asking if I’ll finish it. My big thing with that fic was world-building and I’ve lost a lot of what I had. I WANT to work on it for the people that still enjoy it though.

16. What are your writing strengths?

I’d say probably dialogue, because I feel like I edit that the least, and world-building.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

….actually writing the words down RIP. Also comma usage.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

I avoid it, generally. I read too many fantasy books and fics back in the day where you had to flip to the glossary at the end of the book/bottom of the page for translations and it gets annoying, especially if there’s a multiple characters speaking.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Omg I had to look up my old ff.net account to check this. It was Bleach.

20. Favorite fic you’ve ever written?

I want to immediately say Anakin Skywalker, Witch. It’s my first obikin fic, my first fanfic after a long hiatus. I’ve put so much work and research into it. But Tapio has a vibe that I really enjoy, and has managed to inspire that vibe in readers so… dark horse winner is Tapio.

Bonus: What fic would you want to rewrite one day?

Probably that damn Hobbit fic. I didn’t have an editor back then so I shudder to think about what the comma situation is there.

I feel like I've seen most people do this game already! So I'm not going to tag anyone, but if you see this and have not been tagged yet/want to do it... this is me, tagging you.

[bottlecaprabbitgames]

Weekly Update for 15 January, 2023

Hi, guys! I'm moving the update stuff up a bit, just because I want to take a break today and I won't be off till the 19th or 20th!

I'm super happy with the progress I've made this week!!! I got all of Scene 3's rough draft done, which was super nice as I actually changed how a few scenes play out and how their variations will play out when I go back to flesh the scene out!

We also got to over 13,000 words in Chapter 5 so far!!! And, like, mind you, I've only got Scene 1-3 written, and ONLY Scene 1 has been fully fleshed out and edited so far!! We still have one scene to go, AND I haven't gotten any of the huge variations done in Scene 2 or 3! I actually have only just started editing Scene 2, and like... I'm barely any ways in.

So, hi, yes, I'm super excited because I really think Chapter 5 will come super close or fully to 20,000 words!!! I'd love for it to, as only Chapter 1 came very close to it, and our other chapters have been smaller! (Which, I mean... there hasn't exactly been much to make huge variations on yet, I'm just being hard on myself, lol.)

One of the last things I want to mention is the stuff that comes with customization (ie clothing). I definitely want there to be some spots where your choices on customizing your MC gets fully mentioned, it might just be when I go back for the big final edits once the final chapter is completed, and before MG: Trepidation is uploaded in its entirety. I haven't forgotten your choices! I just want to get the full story down before I go back in and get them into the light!

Okay, that's all I got! I will be spending my few hours after work later to play Fatal Frame 5, so that's why I moved this up, lol. I will also say writing might be a little slow, I have my mom's birthday coming up on the 20th (she'll be 46!!), I have my permit test the 23rd, and a big doctor consultation on the 30th, and February will be very similar with my shop opening and me hopefully learning to drive AND getting all my doctor and dental appointments started.

It's gonna be a busy couple of months, but I really hope to still squeeze in a good couple thousand words a week at the VERY least!!

[a-startup-of-ferrets]

Beethoven bit me! And I don't mean nipped, or kissed. He BIT me.

He was under the desk, and I started squeaking a toy at him. He ran out from under my desk, and I thought how cute he was. Then, he latched onto my lip. I screamed so loudly that I hurt my boyfriend's ears from across the room. I thought it was okay because I didn't taste blood, but when I brought my hands down from my mouth, they were literally dripping with it. It was terrifying. I ran to the bathroom, and I left drops of blood all over.

I don't want to show pictures because my mouth is literally the most distinctive part of me. Basically, my lip is bigger than normal with wrinkled skin under it because of a birthmark that's shrunk over time. We think Beethoven's fang got stuck, and it tore on the way out. Fortunately, it's a clean cut, and it stopped bleeding after a few minutes of pressure. Also, if it scars, which it shouldn't, nobody but me (maybe) will be able to tell.

I taped some gauze over it and went to bed. In the morning, my lip was fully puffed up. There were no wrinkles in the skin. I think even my other lip was slightly puffy. It's gone down over time today, but it's still bigger than it's been in probably ten or fifteen years. I don't think it's infected, but I also wouldn't know where to go to have it looked at, because most doctors probably haven't seen a birthmark/plastic surgery result like mine. There is a surgeon I saw for a different problem who coincidentally happened to be a big fanboy of the one who took care of my lip, though. I guess I could talk him into looking at it on Monday, lol, but I don't think I'll need to.

Hopefully Beethoven didn't like his tooth getting stuck, or the taste of blood, or me screaming right by his ear. But he's a predator, so maybe it was a dream come true. He's definitely forgotten any reason why I'd be mad at him by now.

(Yes, he's had a rabies shot. So have the dogs. Tchaikovsky just got his booster a few weeks late, but I'm sure he's still immune. Also, they're never outside unsupervised, and they've never been bitten.)

Evil child + dangerous toy:

Blood past the cut.

Blood from cleaning it up:

[ratherembarrassing]

So, I've been following you since I was in law school and I was always kind of vaguely terrified/intrigued by your references to work. But now, about 1.5 years into my time at a firm, I have to ask from the bottom of my heart: how the actual fuck have you survived for this long? I'm dying. I already genuinely need to leave.

anon, this breaks my heart because i remember this feeling. there were a couple of years that were so miserable i don't know how i survived. the good news is it's been a really long time since i felt that way, so i might have some ideas about how to get through it.

and! you've caught me on a day where i am regretting the day i took the LSAT, so i might actually be in a perfect position to give some good advice because i know exactly what i did that has fucked me over this week and it is something i am usually very good at avoiding.

(before that, though, can i just say, i do not have a clue how the babies who joined firms since the pandemic started are surviving. even in teams that are trying really hard to make sure you're not forgotten, i cannot imagine how hard it is to get work, get face time, get help, get anything.)

number one absolute most important thing to surviving: get very good at saying no. i say no to everything. if i get pressed about it, i tell the person asking what i've currently got on my plate and when it's all due and then ask them if they think the time required to do the task can fit in with that. sometimes it can, sometimes it can't, and sometimes they don't take no for an answer, but it cuts down the endless influx of work to a more manageable level. as someone who is now regularly giving work to juniors because i've survived this long, my number one question to them is "what are you currently doing" and then pressing them until they disclose truly how much they've got on their plate.

the second thing is getting good at estimating how long something will take. spoilers: lawyers are fucking useless at this. this is hilarious in my line of work where time and cost estimates are often the reason the client is with us in the shit they're in. my trick is estimate high and then round up. better to be ahead of your inflated deadline than late to the one that sounded good at the time and has left you working until midnight every day for a week.

something that might be helpful, might make you cry, is that a lot of it comes down to the type of work you do and the team you're in. i work for a fantastic partner at a firm that doesn't thrive on grinding everyone into the ground. australian firms also don't have 1900 hour billable targets (we're 1600), so if you're in the US i'm so sorry about that for you / so scared of that being a thing i will hopefully be dealing with soon. the key to my success has been getting on scary big, long term disputes. we have big deadlines every few months but it's not a daily churn to get something out the door and clients aren't expecting every submission to be done in a couple of billable hours -- i've had the good fortune to have time frames of weeks and months to produce a lot of my work, which means you can schedule your life. if your team sucks or if the work isn't for you, you're still so early in your career that you can lateral transfer to somewhere else doing something else. that's scary, but there are a lot of dickheads in this profession and there's no shame in cutting your losses to find a better fit.

also, if you've been there for a year and a half and haven't taken any time off? get out of there! if you're in america i'm so sorry for your shitty leave situation, but you're also making bank, take a week off and get the fuck out of there! go lie on a beach, dude!

[movienotesbyzawmer]

August 30: Mission: Impossible - Ghost Protocol

(previous notes: Mission: Impossible III)

I bet the powers that be at the Mission: Impossible movie factory didn't lose any sleep over the stupid colon in the title that screws everything up. I mean, just look at that up there with the colon after my date, then the colon in the middle of the OG title, and then it's like, well, you can do whatever you want with punctuation but we're adding a subtitle after it now and you just have to deal with it. On posters and stuff it's just "Mission: Impossible" and then underneath those words they put "Ghost Protocol" so they don't have to deal with it. What a mess. I tell you it is a damn mess is what it is.

Anyway, we have arrived at the M:I movie that, more than any of the others, just really hit the spot for me when I saw it upon its original release. I saw it at the end of a frustrating and tiring work day and it was exactly what the doctor ordered. At some point in the middle I realized that I was enjoying it thoroughly without having to tolerate the kinds of flaws that were apparently part and parcel of this kind of movie. Maybe there were flaws that I just wasn't registering. We'll soon see.

Continuing the tradition of making very hip choices for the directing duties, here we have the live-action directorial debut of Brad Bird, who started off directing episodes of The Simpsons before moving on to no less than The Iron Giant and The Incredibles. Dude had two Oscars on his mantle by the time he showed up for this. Press play already!

Um Sweet Christ those opening shots look gook in 4K like HOO boy

Whoa, neat opening where Sawyer from Lost is chased off the top of a building in Budapest but his jacket deploys an air mattress right as he almost-hits, but then he's shot by Lea Seydoux in an alley, rat-a-tat-tat with the action here, like what is up

Simon Pegg is back, and he's being tricksy with the tech in a prison! He's opening cell doors and the prisoners are surprised and delighted with that twist! He plays them a jazz standard on the intercom and Ethan Hunt suavely emerges from one of the cells. Fun silly things ensue involving Ethan's rebellious and confident independent strategy and a small riot that seems kind of like a bar fight.

He has made a pal in the joint and he's breaking him out. Some kind of cool tech creates a really sweet vortex-y hole in the floor and they are swooped up by their helpers, it's fun.

We're introduced to Paula Patton who is a new team member, and then the credits roll, and they are spirited in a way that recalls the first movie, also showing real scenes from later in the movie.

Flashback to the thing that was happening with Sawyer shows how that botched operation, something about a file and a courier, got Sawyer killed because lots of bad guys were all over the place there. AR contact lens technology figures prominently, and that is a good idea (plus we totally might have those soon, right?).

0:18:16 - Once again we begin the movie without the leading lady from the previous one, but we're starting to get an explanation here. Or just a tease of one I guess.

And quickly we get a sneaky-style self-destructing message that sets up that Ethan has to disguise himself as a specific Russian and sneak into the actual Kremlin. This movie 100% gets what a Mission: Impossible movie is supposed to be.

This time, they aren't using fancy masks or voice shifter things, just costumes and a fake mustache. They comment about that in the dialogue but don't explain why.

0:24:52 - Dialogue mixed SO QUIET here I have no idea what SP just said. It seems like you're supposed to have heard it.

But that is quickly forgotten when they use the coolest spy gadget of them all - a screen that is placed in a corridor that makes the guy at the other end of the corridor think it’s the corridor, but it's a screen and SP & Ethan are hiding behind it and it is super super neato I love it

Then just when it's cool that that is going well, it's suddenly cool how NOT well it's going because someone is spying on their spycraft! The thing they were going to heist isn't there, and someone deliberately makes their comms thing be heard by the bad guys!

And THEN we see something we really didn't think we'd see and it is kind of mind blowing - Ethan escapes from the Kremlin with a very smooth quick-change of his disguise that we see him do in all one shot… but then the Kremlin totally explodes and it explodes all over Ethan as he's running away! It looks amazing!

Right after that there is some fun with subtitles - Ethan is in the hospital all damaged and concussed and stuff, and the news is talking about the obvious big story, and the subtitles are in Russian. At first I was like, "hey is my home theater tech busted?" but no, the subtitles become gradually more in English as Ethan starts to come out of it. Then we see with subtitles that Ethan is reading lips about the police people that want to be bad guys to Ethan.

After Ethan escapes, we shift to a wholesome-looking Russian family we haven't seen before. The scene is a nice little piece of drama about how the dad sees the Kremlin news and wants to get the family out of there, and very quickly that goes south and thugs have them all at gunpoint, it's nicely done

Ethan is being extracted by two new characters played by accomplished, Oscar-nominated actors Tom Wilkinson and Jeremy Renner… the conversation is dire and I don't want to type during it gahhh gah gah gah I am watching because holy shit this goes south too! TW informs Ethan that the DoD is going to frame him for blowing up the Kremlin and his only choice is to escape. He's telling him HOW to escape in a funny way, but they are attacked and it's visually very interesting and TW is headshot and they are in the water and it is such bad news for Ethan and his new colleague played by Mr. Renner, I probably typoed a lot during that because it was so hard to look away.

So Ethan is on the hook for the terrorist attack of the century and he's being chased by a little battalion of thugs who just shot that important spy boss, and he's in Russia. It is very not good for Ethan.

He's with JR and JR is playing a different character for him. He's a bookish analyst guy who feels very out of place in action-land.

We're learning about the main bad guy, Hendricks, who was the guy that screwed everything up in the Kremlin. He's a super-smart theoretical physicist or something who has big, well-thought-out ideas about destroying the world with nukes, and he took nuke codes from the Kremlin. So things are just really really hairy and it's effective storytelling is what I'm saying.

Also effective is that they met up with SP and PP on a neat secret train car thing that is well appointed with spy gear

And VERY VERY EFFECTIVE is what happens next, which is a series of establishing shots of Dubai which KILL ON MY TV. I am glad I have a 4K panel, kids. This begins what I recall as being an extended sequence of sweet-ass suspense. Ethan has to break into a server room by climbing the outside of the 130th floor of the Burj Khalifa using glove-gadget tech that will hopefully work. There is at least some actual Tom Cruise clinging to the side of that building. It's so cool looking. And to make matters worse, a dust storm approaches! Or should I say "to make matters even cooler looking". Yes I should. Please read that part.

Paula Patton's character seems underdeveloped so far, especially compared to her teammates Simon Pegg and Jeremy Renner.

Jeez you guys, if you like suspenseful action scenes about barely surviving climbing a skyscraper this movie is for you.

1:05:34 - In the middle of a tense conversation we see that they were using the maskmaker but it wasn't working. They just don't want us to have mask fun in this movie. They hate mask fun. Why does Brad Bird hate mask fun.

Oh then this scene which is neat - bad guys are meeting with LS… but Ethan and JR are taking their place, and PP is taking LS's place for the real bad guys one floor down. The movie explains it better than me, but it is pretty exciting, the two meetings happening at the same time with opposite trickery.

Hah, SP does a sweet fake-hand trick to get the diamonds from the bad guys so he can get them to Ethan and JN, and JN is doing the thing where he uses the contact lens tech… gosh why are you even reading this, just watch the movie. I really like the tricksy espionage.

It all falls apart because LS spots the contact lens in JR's eye. The plot is moving along in a way that, I'm once again noticing, would normally require more half-assed-ness. It's just a solid spy plot. Which probably makes these notes more boring. Poor you.

LS dies by getting kicked out of the open window of the Burj Khalifa with a brewing sandstorm in the background! Neat looking!

And then a thing where Ethan is in a thick dust cloud and he's tracking the important paper thing with his tracker device, and it starts moving quickly at him and we realize just as it's too late that it's in a car that's gonna run him over! Then that mechanic gets used in a car chase in a dust storm, which we don't see very often outside a Mad Max movie, and that climaxes in a really cool looking collision, followed by the reveal that one of the nuclear code bad guys was Hendricks in a supermask. So we DO like mask fun after all! Except why do we care that it was Hendricks?

A scene where JR is confronted for maybe being a double-crosser has a beautifully choreographed gun-get-grabbity-grab thing that was probably super fun for the actors.

1:27:05 - JR tells a story that at first we think is that family we saw briefly almost scramming, but no, he's talking about Ethan, and what seems to be a story about Ethan's wife (Julia from the last movie) getting killed in Croatia, and Ethan killing six Serbians for revenge, and that's why he was in prison in the beginning? It's still a little mysterious and kind of complicated. It doesn't quite fit with what we think we know.

Dubai imagery is pretty. I have been to Dubai. I am standing by for your marriage proposals now.

I didn't really follow how we got to this point, but Ethan went for a walk and met with some underworld Dubai person and made a deal the ended up with a huge cache of spy gear and a private plane to India. I went to India like right after Dubai. I have my own car and a job kind of so you might need to calm your hormones at this point.

A probing exchange with PP establishes that indeed Ethan's story is that he killed the men who killed his wife. Doesn't really seem legit, though. There's more to the story, clearly.

One of the tech things they play with on the plane is the most magic-seeming one. It is a suit that looks like tight chain-mail, and it floats over a cart, like a magic carpet that you wear.

We're introduced to Brij Nath, whose name I had to look up so I could tell you how it is spelled. He has an access code that they need, which seems like they just kind of simplified the situation, and he's one of those only-kinda-bad bad guys that's really just a pawn, for our heroes as well as for these storytellers.

The wearable magic carpet gadget is fun and funny! SP has to remote control JR wearing the floaty-suit and JR is trying not to freak out too badly, and maybe on purpose it recalls the scene from the first movie where Tom Cruise hovers parallel to the floor.

Hendricks is now in a secret room in the place where they all are, and he has a bad-guy briefcase computer and orders some subordinates to do something with a virus, and I don't actually understand what's really happening but am I to believe that Ethan et al are thwarting literal nuclear terrorism here in Mumbai? Right here at this pleasant party at the palace of an only kinda-bad bad guy?

1:48:30 - Ha, the climax of the wearable magic carpet thing involves JR barely surviving by doing an acrobatic stunt that seems oddly intuitive and satisfying. You'll just have to watch the movie to know what I mean.

The spy-tech car they have is rad.

They fail to prevent the launch of a nuclear missile! We see it come out of the sub and start missiling toward its destination which we have learned is California! Hendricks mutters things about how that should get the ball rolling making world powers hate each other and nuke each other and may there be peace on Earth, he also, yes, says that.

A chase on foot has Ethan and Hendricks suddenly brawling on an exotically elegant robotic parking ramp. Platforms move around mechanically and transfer unmanned cars to different areas, and it is against that video gamey backdrop that Ethan and Hendricks struggle to get that sinister suitcase which is all bouncing around that environment. Unexpectedly, Ethan's hope of grabbing it is thwarted by Hendricks suicide-jumping down several stories! We see it! He definitely does that! Ethan drives a car off a thing to follow him, plummeting down hood-first, and the airbag saves him! He gets the briefcase and barely saves the day in time!

Again a denouement making it very clear that everything is really shockingly okay and tidied up. Even the thing with Ethan revenge-killing Serbians and the thing with his wife is cleaned way up, but with an elegance and sweetness that elevates this movie above the others. She's not dead after all, just fake-dead for her protection. And they're only where they are in Seattle so he can glimpse her lovingly across a marina.

So! I feel strongly that this is the best Mission: Impossible movie! It is an extraordinarily deftly-constructed spy thriller! It's got all the funnest types of things that are in the other movies, and other fun spy thrillers, but with so much less garbage! They did a great job and they should be proud.

[mental-health-advice]

hey, i need some advice. a few months ago, i made a friend online. we sped through the stages of friendship in a few days, but i had an underlying anxious feeling the whole time. looking back, it was probably because he was very clingy (i felt like i had to be there for him 24/7) and rude to me. he would call me dumb or stupid as a joke, but they still hurt my feelings, and he made sexual comments about me that made me really uncomfortable. i wanted to ask him to stop, but i didn't have any other friends in my life and i was scared of losing him, even though i was somewhat aware that he wasn't good for me.

r eally soon after we started talking, he told me he liked me romantically. i did not feel the same way, but i was so scared of making him upset i had that i lied to him and convinced myself i did. i felt constantly sick after that, and soon i told him that i was wrong and i didn't feel the same way. he was understandably upset, it made talking to him even more uncomfortable for me.

i was still feeling really anxious all the time as a result of talking to him, and i told him that i was going to stop being so active online to focus on other things, as i had been neglecting nearly everything in my life to be there for him. he was upset about that too and would send messages like "i miss you" and "i wish we could talk more" that made me feel guilty when i was doing anything other than talking to him. i told him that, but he didn't stop.

i wished i had never become his friend and wanted to cut him off completely. i wasn't sleeping much and was feeling horrible this whole time, and really wanted to just disappear and be forgotten. eventually, i decided to just do it, and i blocked him and deleted any accounts that he could contact me on and haven't heard from him since.

i had hoped that i could just forget about it and move on, i feel like i'm overreacting when i have panic attacks over this. i feel like i was the problem, and like i was making a big deal out of nothing because he was well-intentioned. i hate the idea that he knows i exist and might mention me to other people. i overshared a lot while we were still talking and he knows way more about me than i'm comfortable with, and i'm paranoid he might share that information with people, even if i'd never find out about it and he couldn't effectively link it to me as he only knows my first name. we also video called a few times, and the idea that he could have pictures of my face really upsets me.

i feel like i shouldn't care, but i worry that i made him sad, and that by disappearing i impacted his mental health. i'm not sure if i made the right decision. talking to him wasn't good for me, i know that, but he wasn't mean all the time. we had fun together at some points, but i think overall it was a negative experience for me, but a positive one for him, as i was so desperate for approval that i would basically do anything he wanted and completely formed my schedule around him.

i'm really caught up in what i feel like i should have done. i think the right thing to do would have been to tell him some of these things before disappearing, but i wasn't really thinking sensibly at the time and instead panicked and disappeared. i've seen a lot of posts about how ghosting someone is terrible and never the right thing to do, which just makes me feel even worse.

i don't have anyone to talk to about this, my parents have specifically told me to never make friends online and i don't have any close friends in real life. even if i did have someone to talk to, i'd be embarrassed about it because i got myself into this situation in the first place and handled it horribly, and it's a dumb thing to be so worked up about.

in general, i don't know how to handle my feelings about the situation and feel better again. i know i can't live life constantly upset about something that happened several months ago, with someone who lives thousands of miles away who i'll hopefully never hear from again, but i don't know how to stop.

i feel so anxious that i am in a lot of physical pain and feel really nauseous. i can't sleep, and am exhausted to the point that i can't do anything. i've tried everything i know, regulated breathing, grounding exercises, distracting myself with things i like, etc but nothing has worked. i made a lot of bad decisions and i don't know how to move on from them.

Hey lovely,

Making friends online can be wonderful, but I’ve also had the experience that it can become quite dependent and therefore not healthy anymore. As with any other friendship, online friendships can go both ways!

It sounds like your friendship turned unhealthy. Having to be there for someone 24/7 isn’t healthy and isn’t good for the friendship, or for you! And jokes like that are only hurtful and not funny whatsoever. I’m sorry that you didn’t feel like you could stand up for yourself at that time. You definitely deserved to have stood up, but I really do understand why you didn’t feel like you could.

I think it’s really good that you eventually told him you weren’t romantically interested in him. It might have upset him, but it had to come out eventually and the sooner the better. It wasn’t fair on either of you to have kept things going. So well done!

I also think it’s really good that you tried to set a boundary by telling him that you wouldn’t be online as much anymore. That’s honestly a great step. He should have respected that boundary and shouldn’t have made you feel bad about it.

And I think you made a good call in blocking him and deleting those accounts. Like I said, your friendship sounds like it wasn’t healthy and setting boundaries hadn’t helped before, so this was a good next step to take.

I don’t think you’re overreacting at all! This was a difficult time for you and it’s bound to have its effects on you. But please take it from me: you weren’t the problem! From what you’ve outlined, he was very clingy and dependent and that can take its toll on a friendship.

Unfortunately you can’t change him knowing you and knowing information about you. I think that’s something that will take some time getting used to, but I believe you can get there! Since it is affecting you a lot, I do think it would be helpful to speak to a counsellor or other mental health professional about.

You are not responsible for his mental health. Maybe it upset him, you don’t know that. But in the end, you are your first priority. Staying in this friendship would have hurt you, and that is not okay and should be prevented! You need to take care of yourself first and foremost.

Did you find it helpful to type this out and write to us? I can imagine that it might have felt like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders. Maybe you could try something like this more often? It doesn’t have to be an ask to us, but can also be a journal entry, or something you write down and then tear up or burn. Whatever feels best for you!

I hope this helped. Let us know if there’s anything else we can be of help with.

Sometimes what seems impossible, is just hard. Love Pauline

[fluffychubbyrose]

Bucky x Insecure/Self Conscious Wife Reader.

Requested.

One Shot.

Warnings- Bucky may be O.C., Language, and slight slight NSFW blink and it's gone.

Sorry it isn't exactly what you requested and that it took so long but here you go hope you like it!!!

(I don't own these pictures.)

Tonight is my 1st anniversary of being married to Bucky Barnes. I managed to get out of work early today so I could pick up a new red with black lace baby doll with a matching bra and pantie set to hopefully boost my confidence up a little for tonight. I made sure that it wasn't to form fitting so that it didn't accent the new rolls, stretch marks, and bigger belly pooch I've seemed to gain since I've been eating so much fast food and junk food because of how busy I've been, and Bucky has been even busier than I am. Neither of us have had any time to sit down and eat a proper home cooked meal in forever. Let alone spend much time together.

That's the real reason why I wanted off early today so I could cook us a nice homemade meal something not sopping in grease or out of a package and I know Bucky is still uncomfortable out in public. Plus this is supposed to be our special night to spend some time together finally in what feels like forever there's no need to go out and be uncomfortable when we could have a nice night in, relax, and enjoy ourselves.

Hell I've probably seen him only a few times this week which didn't last more than 10 minutes at a time because one of us would have to rush off to our jobs or we are so exhausted from work that we just shower and go straight to bed.

That's why I gave my boss a 2 week notice that I needed to be let off early today and have a week off for vacation. I asked Bucky to do the same if he could but he didn't seem to concerned about it which hurt because this is our first anniversary but maybe he just forgot that it's this week he probably has a reminder set or something already planned.

It doesn't stop a little voice in my head saying 'He wasn't concerned because he doesn't care. He has nothing planned. He's tired of you already. Why would he want someone as big as you?' I squeeze my eyes shut and shake my head knowing that it isn't true. Bucky loves me and I love him. Though as the hours tick by and it's already 9 p.m. and he still isn't home yet, so that voice continues to whisper more and more hurtful things. So much so, that I'm losing confidence in what it says isn't true.

I double check my outfit it's a knee high black keyhole dress to show off some of my cleavage without revealing the new baby doll and undergarment set I have on underneath. I smooth my hands down my dress with nerves from waiting so long for Bucky to come home. I text him when I was preparing dinner and he said he would be home in an hour or two.

That was three hours ago so instead of focusing and fussing on why he's late I double check the table I set earlier with a navy blue table cloth, clear vase with red roses in it, and two silver candle holders with white candles in them waiting to be lit so we can have a nice dinner by candle light. I smooth out the table cloth and mess with the positions of the roses out of nerves. I pace a little worrying my bottom lip while doing so and I'm glad I went with a lip stain rather than lip stick or I would have it all over my teeth by now. I glance at the stove, the dinner I made had been placed in the oven on low so it will stay warm until he gets home since he still wasn't here by the time I finished cooking it.

I sigh losing hope that he would be home anytime soon when the clock read 10 p.m. already and he hasn't text me to let me know he's running late. So I let my hair out of the up do I had it in and sit down at the table.

I'm about to take off my heels because all the pacing I did is making my feet feel like they were going to fall off when a disgruntled and ashamed looking Bucky rushed through the front door slamming it behind him with a box of chocolates in one hand and a bouquet of flowers in the other. I jump and put my leg back down on the floor and I'm about to stand up when Bucky rushes to me saying "I'm so sorry baby girl I completely forgot." my heart lurches at that, and before I can stand up all the way he sets the gifts on the table and kisses me.

Hard. Weaving his arm around my waist while his other hand starts running through my hair. He turns leaning me against the table his body flushed with mine as I wrap my arms around his neck and tug on his hair. We break apart a few moments after with him holding me in a dipped position.

My face is burning and I'm left gasping the momentary hurt forgotten. I look up at him a bit shocked as I bring my arms down and push on him gently. He stands us back up, his arms still around me and my hands on his shoulders. "You look fucking gorgeous doll!" He says breathlessly looking me up and down.

I turn my head to the side with a small embarrassed smile on my face and his hand comes up and turns my gaze back towards his. "I mean it! Your beautiful and I love you so much doll!" His hold on me tightens and he moves so he's even closer to me like he's trying to make sure that there's absolutely no space between us.

"I know we haven't seen each other much and haven't been spending much time together but I'm going to make it up to you, I swear! I told Fury I need the week off so we can spend some much needed time together, and I'm so sorry sweetheart it's our first anniversary and I already messed it up. Steve is the one who told me it was our anniversary when he saw I was still at the tower planning for an upcoming mission. I just got caught up in it all." He says with sigh leaning his forehead on mine. He pecks my lips and give me an apologetic smile. "I rushed home but not before getting your favorite chocolates and flowers as an apology!" He says scratching the back of his neck a clear sign that he's embarrassed for forgetting our anniversary. I pull back from his embrace and look up at him holding his hands.

"You haven't messed it up, your here now that's all that matters and I love you too. Also as good as that chocolate sounds it'll have to wait and be our dessert because I made us dinner." I say bouncing a little, excited to show off the dinner I made. "I can smell it and I'm starving! Thank you for cooking for me baby girl, I swear I don't know what I ever did to deserve you. Hell I still think I don't deserve you most days. You've helped me so much to become a better man, like I used to be before all of this." He gestures to his metal arm.

"You've helped, no loved me through it all. The good, the bad, and the ugly. I can never thank you enough Y/n. I'm sorry I've been so busy and that's no excuse, it wasn't fair of me and I should have been making more time for you, to love you, and appreciate everything you do for me and that starts tonight after dinner. I'm going to make it up to you. Because there's something I want for dessert and it isn't that chocolate." He says giving me a predatory gaze making my heart beat rapidly in my chest.

My mouth goes dry and there's a lump in my throat. My face is burning and I try to subtly squeeze my thighs shut but the smirk he gives me as I move to place the flowers into the vase with the roses let's me know that he saw. Once I finished I grab the chocolates and then walk quickly into the kitchen and set them onto the counter for later, then I put my oven mitts on, just in case the plates got hot and take dinner out of the oven.

I turn around and use my foot to close the ovens door, the whole time his gaze never wandered from me. Not even when I walked over and set the plates down. "Fuck doll you made my favorite!" He groans out looking at me like he just won the lottery before sitting down. I light the candles and quickly sit down as well with a happy smile on my face.

I think we both ate much more quickly than anticipated from it being so late, and the fact that I don't think either of us can recall the last time we had an actual home cooked meal. I lean back in my chair with a happy sigh and place a hand on my over stuffed belly. Before any negative thoughts can pop up about how big or plush my belly has gotten, Bucky suddenly stands up and picks up both of our plates to go put them in the sink. He leans down towards me pecking my check and says "I'll be right back." I smile at him and he smirks in return. My nerves and insecurities are coming back full force but it's now or never as I head to our bedroom and strip out of my dress. I only get a moment to look at myself in the mirror before Bucky is in the doorway staring me down like I'm a feast laid out for a starving man. My face is burning again and I gulp nervously we haven't done anything like this in a long time, our schedules haven't allowed for it. We've been too tired or had to rush off to work.

"I love you so much." He says in a breathy moan with a dreamy look on his face, looking right into my eyes with such an intensity of both love and lust that I can't help the warm feeling spreading through my chest or how I get teary eyed and upset for doubting him or his love for me in the first place. I've been letting my insecurities get the better of me lately.

When he married me I was already a bit on the heavier side, so I should have known better that a few extra pounds or rolls wouldn't phase Bucky or even make him bat an eye on how he see's or feels about me. He proved just how much he loves me and just how beautiful he thinks my body is for the rest of the night.

@whyamihere-bro

[mental-health-advice]

I don't feel alive anymore. My memory gets worse and worse. Everything seems unreal... Like if I had fallen into coma and I'm only dreaming the rest of my miserable life. I haven't got emotions or an identity anymore- except anxiety, depression and 'emptiness'. I lost my empathy and my will to live. And the worst: I have no one that can drag me out of this sea. And suicide won't solve anything. It won't work. The nightmare will never end.

Hi lovely,

Thank you for getting in touch with us here at MHA! I’m really sorry to hear that things are so tough for you right now and it is having such a negative impact on your daily life, I know how tough this can be. I hope I’ll be able to give you some advice and information on how to start dealing with this!

First of all, I am so so sorry that these thoughts have caused you issues with suicidal thoughts.  I do need to say that if you ever take any action to end your life or seriously hurt yourself, then please call your local emergency services (e.g. 911) for immediate medical attention. If you are reaching a crisis point and are in danger of harming yourself then try to get yourself to the ER, or to somewhere safe and contact someone who can come and help to keep you safe. You can also always  contact a helpline or web counsellor for 24/7 support. I want you to know that you are definitely meant to be part of this world, and you bring love and happiness that the world would greatly miss if you weren’t here. You are so loved

I also think it may be a good idea for you to create a safety plan. This is a plan containing all of the things you can do whenever you feel yourself reaching a crisis point. For example, who you can call, grounding techniques and distractions that are effective for you.  We have an outline for a plan on our printables page here. Something which you could incorporate into your plan, or make completely separate, is a list of your reasons to stay; this could be tiny things, all the way up to big reasons, but they all count towards why you deserve to stay and find happiness! Here is our list of reasons to stay, maybe somethings on here will give you some ideas, love. There are so many reasons for you to stay

I am not a professional and cannot diagnose you, but from reading you ask and how you describe your symptoms, I do just want to share some information about a condition with you... Derealisation is a type of dissociative disorder, and can be experienced alone as a condition. However, it can be linked to many other mental health issues, for example anxiety or schizophrenia. It can also be related to changes in medication or the use of drugs/alcohol, and can be caused by overwhelming levels of stress. I am not a professional and can by no means tell you what is causing this condition for you so I really recommend that you go and talk to a professional about this as they will be able to diagnose you if applicable and help you to figure out what is causing you to feel like this. A doctor would be a good place to start. There are tests and scales used to determine if a person suffers from dissociative disorders (which are listed in the DSM IV). They can also refer you on of further treatment like talking therapy; this can help you to feel more attached to yourself and separate some of the things that aren’t real from the true things. Our page about getting help is here, and hopefully will help you feel confident enough to ask for help.

I’m also linking our page of grounding techniques here; these may be useful to you when you are going through a period of dissociation. An example of one of these techniques would be to:

Describe 5 things you can see

Describe 4 things you can hear

Describe 3 things you can feel

Describe 2 things you can smell

Describe 1 thing you can taste

I have found practical techniques like holding my hands under really cold running water to be particularly effective; it may take a few tries before you find a technique that works for you, but try not to give up, and keep persevering. These techniques can help you to stay connected to reality when you feel yourself getting particularly lost, and can even be useful to bring you back to reality once you have already entered a dissociated state.

I also recommend journalling. This can be from really in depth writing about everything that happened during your day, or just a couple of sentences to help you remember the main things that were going on that day. That way whenever you feel very spaced out and have forgotten what you you have done previously, or want to look back on a good day, then you can use your journal to help you.I have also found creative things like drawing and painting to be helpful whenever I am struggling with derealisation; because I have created that piece of art, I know it is real and that helps me to recognise things that are real around me. Maybe that is something you could try to? I doesn’t have to be art, it could be cooking/baking, or writing, or music!

Self-care is really important for you right now. Try to take at least an hour or two a day for yourself; fill that time with doing things that you enjoy and make you feel relaxed and at peace. For example, I take the two hours before I go to sleep and try it fill that time with things like art and music, I’ll also take the time to have a bath, wash my hair, look after my skin, etc. Practising self-care also involves things like making sure you are getting enough sleep, eating well, and staying hydrated.

Again, I am so sorry that you are having to deal with all of this right now and that you are feeling so low - but I promise you, things will get better and you will be able to be happy one day, these negative feeling will pass and you will come out the other side stronger than you ever thought possible, and we’ll be here to support you every step of the way! Please don’t give up, love

Take care!

‘‘Fall down seven times, stand up eight.’‘

Rhiann xo