#also i gave up on capitalization suffer through the inconsistency

[manchasama]

Okay so this is completely raw train of thought that I refuse to be embarrassed over.  It also may jump around because it was written on two different days, since I had more Ideas(tm) about it.

Also, Emmet in the distortion world is absolutely influenced by @that1nkyone‘s Distortion Guide AU, tho not lifting anything from where they are taking that story.  Just that their idea of Emmet being in the distortion world definitely inspired my brain to go this way.

This is in my (god damnit I need a title) anti-mob AU

--

How Ingo Disappears

Ingo and Emmet get overwhelmed by some group.  Possibly make it Team Plasma, set during B&W 2 or something.  Or just some splinter group trying to rekindle things.  (Actually maybe when I think this AU out I could figure out how to make team Plasma the mob group.  Hmmmm....)  Either way, and for whatever reason, Ingo and Emmet are tied up while the group tries to do their thing. 

(I imagine it's a desperate fight, so the grunts don't have a lot of time to restrain the bros once they got the upper hand.  Just tied their arms behind them (tight, so tight, but not stripping the coats bc again no time).  Normally this would be to their detriment because the twins would get free and wreck shit again.  This time, there wasn't enough time to get free.  Also possibly they were overwhelmed bc they let their guard down/were out of practice, having lived relatively peaceful lives since they became subway masters.  I'll have to see where the story is at the time.)

Whatever the group is doing, Ingo gets his feet under him to try and stop them, and is walloped upside the head in retaliation, concussing and stunning him.  (Emmet is Furious.  Retribution will be had, once he can find out if Ingo is okay.)  So Ingo isn't able to respond to things around them.  And it's tragic that, because all the group wanted was to keep the subway masters out of the way.  They weren't the goal or target of this, just collateral damage.  No, they were summoning (Giratina probably) and just needed enough time to finish that.

And they do.  But Giratina is not subservient to them.  It does not care or agree with their goals.  (What happens with Giratina will be for Emmet to witness.  Whether Giratina harms or kills, or does something else.)  Still, even that isn't the focus.

No, the focus is that as the hole in reality widens, as Giratina forces its way through, Ingo is lying too close to the center.  The hole widens, and Ingo tips, and falls.  (The last thing he sees with his blurry vision is Emmet and Chandelure (figure out a way).  That is why later, all he remembers is the figure in white and the purple flames.)

-

I think in addition to that, Emmet goes after Ingo.  Rather than be left behind, I mean.  He's tied up a ways away, hands bound behind his back, pokemon trapped in their balls in the hands of their captors.  Help won't make it in time ofc.  Emmet sees Ingo fall, helpless to save him, but he can in his anger free himself from whoever is pinning him, and throw himself into the void after Ingo.  

(As Ingo vanishes, disappears from this world, as Emmet's soul follows suit, one of the trapped pokeballs /explodes/, destroyed as the pokemon inside frees itself the only way it can.  Chandelure follows Emmet, catching and guiding him in the buffeting void.  Neither see where Ingo went.)

So, I'm thinking the twins were cuffed, just for the idea that Chandelure can help Emmet break the chain between them, but they can't get the metal cuffs off his wrists without hurting him (would hurt his skin trying to melt it off, not strong or precise enough to smash them off, etc).  So Emmet is in the distortion world, searching desperately for Ingo.  Chandelure can barely sense Emmet in the twisting world who is right next to her, let alone find Ingo.

Since there is no day, no night, Emmet searches until he passes out, wakes up and repeats it.  Time is basically meaningless and blends together.  Chandelure guides him to food and makes him eat, but is also searching for Ingo with that desperation of shared souls.  

Eventually, Emmet's strength is giving out, despite chandelure trying her best, and his despair is too great.  He lies there, unwilling to move, and begs her to eat his soul, replenish herself and escape.  He's done.  (As when they were kids, pushed so far that death was welcome).

Chandelure not only refuses, but instead tries to feed emmet's soul instead (as when they were kids and they'd rescued her, so did she want them to live).  Emmet knows that if she continues in her weakened state she will die keeping him alive, and he knows if he stays here she will keep trying.  So he does the hardest thing; he gets back up and continues on (without Ingo at his side).

Later when he recounting some of this to Ingo, he does admit that it was the hardest thing in his life.  To get up and move on without Ingo.  (Not giving up on him, just having to go through that without Ingo.  They've been through the toughest times together, and that time they were not).

Not sure on the timing of this, might redo some of arceus so that red sky and volo happen at the same time.  Because like, imagining ingo's troubles…  So the idea is that he's realized Volo is dangerous and going to attack akari, and he's desperate to get to her.  Perhaps he knows they will not be match for him with a god pokemon on his side, perhaps he just can't see victory in a head on confrontation, perhaps he is torn between his duties to his wardenship and his love of akari.  For whatever reason, he's heading to a battle he doesn't know how to win.  If akari will even believe him.  If volo hasn't already attacked her.  Etc etc.

The reason I want the red sky, is it makes a good time for emmet to escape the distortion world.  The veil is weakest, can come through a rift, chandelure senses his soul or emmet catches a glimpse and just throws himself at it, whatever.  But also the red sky would make it so he hasn't even realized he's left the distortion world, at least not entirely.  Because there is still no day, no night, and everything is odd.  (Just has more gravity lol).  

Maybe Volo attacked Ingo, leaving him trapped where a distortion was to appear, expecting him to perish there.  Might work.

Regardless, when Emmet and chandelure find Ingo, it's not the tearful reunion either were hoping for.  However Emmet was filled with so much relief, so much joy at finding his brother, that he can put some of his wants on hold because he can tell that Ingo Needs To Do Something.  It's the look they have when they are focused on saving or improving people's lives, as their shadow selves.  They've always put the world in front of their own needs, and this is no exception.

Additionally, emmet is temp mute at this point.  No point in talking, plus going mute due to high emotions.  It take a while for him to start talking again.  (After everything settles, when it's just the two of them, Ingo's memories still muddled but he /knows/ that emmet isn't fine.  Emmet doesn't have to hide from ingo.  They talk through a lot of things, etc.)

Ingo doesn't know what to say either, how to articulate what he's feeling, what he needs.  This was obviously the man in white, and he wanted nothing more than to cling to him, to cry and laugh until all his emotions are drained and peace is left behind.  But…akari.  He /needs/ to help her, to save her from volo's plans.  All he can do is ask for help.

Emmet can sign even if he can't speak, and despite the lack of memories between them, their instincts guide them true.  Thus, Ingo goes to confront Volo head on, and Emmet hides in the shadows ready to take advantage.

-

(Oh man did I never write this down?  Okay, let's see what I remember.)

So I've had the idea that Emmet makes it to Hisui for a while, even if I didn't know how why or when.  I thought I wrote more about it so if this IS duplicate, suffer lol.  Because I wanted to lean into their past of being the "ghost" or whatever I end up calling it, that haunted the mob into destruction.  I don't know for sure if they ever found out there were two people behind the persona.  Either way, Ingo and Emmet have always been able to play that part.

So the confrontation with Volo (Yes he is a true villain this fic), the idea is that Ingo is keeping Volo's attention, while Emmet hides waiting for a chance to strike.  Because that was the mistake so many had made, that Volo made; thinking Ingo was alone.  Sort of line. 

...Nope, I don’t remember specifics right now.  Dang.  If I do, I’ll write them down this time.

-

(Ingo has some scars from hisui.  Emmet has scars on his wrists from where the manacles rubbed endlessly.  Chandelure I think has crackled glass now, after pushing so hard trying to save emmet and find ingo.  It's not always obvious, but sometimes.)

(Part of why Ingo is so messed up in hisui is the lack of memory and running on instincts means he keeps crossing his subway master persona with his ghost persona, but he doesn't realize they are two different sides he usually didn't let cross over.  So when his reactions mix, he instinctually know something is very wrong with it.  Sometimes it distracts him, sometimes he disassociates trying to remember, sometimes it frustrates him trying to remember.)

-

Oh idea.  Ingo gets stabbed.  :p  No but seriously, let's say the collection of the plates happens at the same time.  Ingo plays a more active role in assisting akari, always there (frustrating volo who wanted to be the support model, but ingo is there /more/).  Volo needs to get his hands on the plates.  Perhaps Ingo is keeping them safe, but that doesn't jive with Volo getting the drop on him.  Because lets say Volo manages to convince akari he will keep the plates safe.  Maybe she leaves Ingo to "guard" volo or something, or maybe volo goes after ingo to make sure he is out of the way when volo goes to confront akari (weakened after she subdues the second god pokemon).

Either way, volo has command of all the plates, which gives him influence over all pokemon.  He can force wild pokemon to fight for him, can prevent ingo's pokemon from fighting properly (they can only resist so much), and basically volo takes down ingo via cheating.  Ingo is a good enough trainer, and friends with enough wild pokemon that it is close tho.  So close that volo gets close enough to ingo to stab him and take him out that way (somehow just go with it.  Maybe uses a pokemon to do it).

Volo goes off to get akari, who is trying to clear the red sky.  He thinks if he takes her out, arceus will have to listen to his call.  Because he'd have all the plates, have taken out arceus' chosen, would be able to have command over the other two god pokemon to have all three, etc.

Then Emmet and Chandelure come to ingo's rescue.  Chandelure pulling what she can from emmet to give to ingo to heal him, etc.  

By giving Volo command over other pokemon via the plates as well as influence over partner pokemon, that makes his threat and the fight way more difficult, rather than a wash it would normally be.  Gives a reason why emmet has to get to volo, to separate him from the plates, in secret.

(A thought, have to see if it fits.  Chandelure and emmet have to get close enough that she can drain volo, while remaining unnoticed.  Emmet strikes when volo goes down on a knee, wondering why his energy is so low.  Slow process, and Ingo (and akari) need to keep volo distracted to not notice.  Volo's partner pokemon still have free will, so they need to keep those engaged to not let him know either.)

[casually-slips-into-coma]

An Essay (sort of) Explaining the Many Grievances I Have With Debbie Gallagher

Once again, Debbie is the fucking worst.

I’ve been wanting to write out my feelings towards her character for a fucking minute now just so that I have a full concise list. Now, I can talk about how Debbie has a constant need for attention, or how her character has become someone unrecognizable in the past few seasons, or how she’s a terrible mother, but what I really want to focus on is the center of my issues with her: her sexuality. Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t about to be a homophobic rant or anything. I just think her queer development has been written terribly and that should be addressed.

Too often I see people praising queer characters or relationships based solely on the fact that they are queer, and as a member of the community, I get it. I am also starved for representation. This, however, does not mean I’m going to settle for annoying, poorly written characters.

Why Make Debbie Queer?

The first thing I want to address is why suddenly develop a WLW storyline for her. Given that Debbie started as a little girl on the show, this gives the writers a lot of opportunity to give a character like that interesting storylines because she does not yet have a solid personality. It gives writers the liberty to take her story anywhere they want to without the constraints of established character because she, as a person, is still developing into adulthood. The show runners unfortunately dropped the ball with this.

From season 4 and onwards was when Debbie began showing interest in dating, sex, and romance having just turned the corner to puberty. From then up until season 9, she has shown exclusive interest in men. It isn’t until Alex the welder that Debbie deviates from this path. Alex is portrayed as a stud who confuses Debbie. I am inclined to believe that Debbie was originally attracted to her because she was masculine and therefore close enough to the people Debbie had previous experience with.

This arc was treated very much as Debbie experimenting with her sexuality, something that Alex also ends up realizing after Debbie tells her that having sex with a girl is “not that bad” and “like having sex with yourself” (S9E4). Once this storyline wrapped up (with Debbie shouting “you make me want cock again”) the writers powered through, adamant about Debbie now being a lesbian.

I have two theories as to why they’ve been fighting so hard for her queerness.

1) This was around the time that Cam was leaving Shameless. This obviously didn’t end up happening, but I was under the impression that the writers were freaking out at losing their token gay character and needed to fill that position. When Cam ended up staying, they were stuck with a queer Debbie storyline and decided to just go with it.

2) Shameless was planning on doing a WLW storyline regardless of Cam’s choice to leave and were originally going to give it to Fiona and her lesbian tenant that she had a close relationship and a lot of chemistry with, but Emmy Rossum wanted to move on from Shameless, and so they pivoted and gave the arc to Debbie, a character that was not supposed to be moved in that direction and so her new sexuality seemingly came out of nowhere. Fiona as a bisexual character would have made sense. Debbie still does not.

Shameless’s Awkward Relationship With Bisexuality

One of the biggest issues I have with Debbie is her insistence on being a lesbian. Lesbianism doesn’t come out of nowhere. Bisexuality, however, can. When you grow up being told that you are supposed to feel attraction to men, and you genuinely do feel attraction to men (which Debbie has expressed in past seasons/episodes) it’s easy to ignore your attraction to women and write it off as something that either isn’t a big deal, or something that isn’t there. It’s a lot more confusing than being strictly at one end of the spectrum. It would have been so much more believable if they had simply made Debbie bisexual. Unsurprisingly, they didn’t because the show has a history with bi erasure.

Bisexuality has been treated badly all throughout Shameless, used as a vengeful plot device back in the earlier seasons where Monica was only ever with women when unmedicated. Then in Season 7 when Ian’s boyfriend Caleb cheated on him with a woman (enforcing the stereotype of bisexuals being unfaithful) Ian, possibly acting out of anger or ignorance, said things like “only women are bisexual. When a man says he’s bisexual he’s really just gay”. The only semi positive bisexual representation on the show was Svetlana and Vee when they were in a poly relationship with Kev (though I also think that storyline wasn’t handled as well as it could’ve been).

This fight against the bisexual label in media is not a new one but it is also a harmful stance to take when writing a sexually fluid character. Debbie declaring that she is, in fact, a lesbian after waxing poetic about how Matty had a big dick and Derek had a great body and knew what he was doing is not the way to go. 

You could argue that Debbie, like many other queer women, is an unfortunate victim of compulsory heterosexuality, but frankly I don’t think the writers are well versed enough in queer theory for that to be a possibility.

Debbie as The White Feminist

Debbie is the pinnacle of white feminism. It’s an unfortunate thought that has occurred to me a few times throughout the show. She talks a big game as a man hater and someone after the equal treatment of women but she herself participates in a lot of problematic and anti feminist behavior.

For one, she r*ped Matty back in season 5 when he was blacked out and unconscious. This was a point in the story that was glossed over and one where she suffered no repercussions other than Matty no longer wanting to be around her. It was explained in the show that Debbie didn’t realize what she did was wrong until after she was explicitly told so because she was maybe 14 when it happened (not 100% on the age Shameless is very inconsistent about timelines). It was treated as somewhat of a punchline, something that Shameless has unfortunately done more than once when referring to male sexual assault (Mickey’s r*pe, Liam in season 10 ((i think??)) and in this latest season, Carl) but that is a different topic. 

There was also the time in which she lied to her boyfriend about being on birth control so she could trap him into a relationship with pregnancy (which also counts as r*pe!!) Good on Derek for getting out of that.

Debbie has also been pro-life in the past. Now I understand this was when Fiona was pressuring her into aborting her pregnancy, and as a pro choicer myself, I believe that Debbie was fully in her right to have bodily autonomy and go through with the pregnancy. This isn’t where the issue lies. It’s when Fiona finds out that she too is pregnant and tells Debbie that she wants an abortion that Debbie accuses her of “killing her baby”. Again, her behavior could be explained by her age given that Debbie was still a young teen during this time.

When her actions as a White Feminist become less excusable is mostly in the latest season. Her relationship with Sandy is one that I’m not really happy with because Debbie doesn’t deserve her.

Recently, it has been revealed that Sandy is actually married to a man and has a son. It’s explained that she was basically married off against her will at the age of 15 to a man twice her age. This implies that the product of the marriage, her son, was most likely conceived through dubious consent (or worse) at the hands of an adult when she was just a kid. Just because Debbie thinks that Sandy’s husband “seems nice” does not give her the right to try and make a victim of grooming feel bad about not wanting to be with her abuser. While I understand that Sandy’s son has no fault in how he came into the world, I’m still gonna side with Sandy when it comes to having to take care of a child she didn’t want and who is most likely a source of trauma for her. It’s not difficult to sympathize with Sandy and see that she’s clearly gone through something fucked up and Debbie, despite claiming to love and support her, AND despite her dumb white feminist arc about wanting equal pay and all that jazz, turns her back on the girls supporting girls aspect of feminism.

This isn’t even mentioning how shitty it was to just leave Franny by herself and assume that one of her siblings would take her to school and pick her up and stuff as if they don’t all have separate lives. She talks a lot about being a good mother but decided to “let off some steam” by fucking off to a gay bar to get loaded on coke and fuck a gay man (which wtf thats not a thing that really happens with casual coke but whatever I guess). Once she realized she fucked up, instead of taking responsibility she decided to paint herself as the victim as well as spew offensive bullshit about how she “probably has AIDS now” because of her sexual encounter with a gay man. No lesbian in their right fucking mind would ever say that because as members of the LGBTQ+ community, you are at least a tiny bit informed as to how devastating and tragic the AIDS crisis was for queer people.

(I also have an issue with how Debbie capitalized on her felony as a sex offender and her sexuality to start her Hot Lesbian Convict business but I think that’s enough said.)

Blame the writers

The show got almost an entirely new cast of writers after season 7 which is why the show feels more like a sitcom with low stakes and no consequences rather than a drama, but if there is a queer writer on the team it’s not very evident. Even the better half of the queer relationship story, Ian and Mickey, I don’t feel has really been done justice since the change in writers. It’s just become painfully obvious that the actress is a straight girl playing a gay character (not to mention I have never seen any chemistry between her and all of her female love interests). I don’t fault Emma Kenney (the actress) for this. I actually really like her as a person and I like the videos she makes about the cast and such, and I think she does her best with the script she’s given. My complaints with Debbie are targeted entirely towards the writers.

This brings me to my final point. I need them to let Debbie be alone. Her whole thing for the second half of the season has been that she clearly has abandonment issues and is afraid of being alone. It’s why she’s so adamant about keeping the house and fighting with Lip about it (I’m actually on Debbie’s side for that one but that’s besides the point). They had her and Sandy break up which leaves Debbie to spiral further into her loneliness. From a writing point of view, it makes sense to take this opportunity to give her an arc in which she can overcome that and feel comfortable with herself so that she can move on as an adult instead of jumping into a new relationship. This is especially true since this is quite literally the last season ever of the show and any character development needs to be wrapped up. Introducing a new character out of nowhere does not give the viewers enough time to actually get invested in the new relationship. It’s also unfair to Debbie’s character because her arc is going to feel incomplete.

Anyway,,,,,,uuuhhhhh,,,,,feel free to add on if u want lmao

[ladyeliot]

Your legacy is my nightmare [½]  Re-written

Avengers: Age of Ultron / Post Civil War

Pairing: Avengers/Tony Stark x Avenger!Reader

Summary: Your past was marked by Tony Stark, ever since a Stark Industries bomb hit that restaurant when you were 10 years old, during an attack on Novi Grad, the capital of Sokovia. From that moment on, the rage for revenge took hold of you, but things didn’t turn out the way you expected.

Warnings: Angst. Trauma. Deaths. Violence.

Word count: 5378

A/N:  Sorry for my spelling and grammatical mistakes, English is not my native language, I am learning.

Reader Powers: Psionic Force Projection. Psionic force fields that she can manipulate in various ways. 

When you were five years old you discovered that there was a completely different world inside that magic box. A world that seemed far away from the small town you lived in, a world that could capture your attention, that made you laugh, that grabbed you, and that you dreamed of living in in the future. It was then that American sitcoms became your world.

Your childhood in Novi Grad, the capital of Sokovia, was like that of any other child, totally happy. You were an only child, you were born and raised in a hard-working and extremely loving family, your parents loved you and you loved them, because all they wanted was to make you happy. Your birth took place on a sunny morning in June, creating the tradition that every birthday you went out to do something special, something out of the ordinary routine of everyday life. On your sixth birthday your parents took you to the amusement park, discovering that you weren’t too fond of Ferris wheels. During your eighth birthday your parents opted to take you to a football match, which you enjoyed quite a lot. On your ninth birthday, the three of you took a little trip to the mountains, discovering that you were completely allergic to wasp stings, but on your tenth birthday, everything changed.

For several weeks you had been pestering your mother to go to the new restaurant that had opened in the city centre. Remember that you were madly in love with American sitcoms from the 1950s, which were constantly on reruns on Sokovia television, so you couldn’t have been luckier when you found out that they had opened an American-style restaurant in the city centre. Your mother used to make excuses for not going, but not because she didn’t want to, but because she wanted to wait until your tenth birthday to go and have lunch with the three of you as a family, and that’s how it happened. The morning of your tenth birthday, Novi Grad dawned bright and shiny, there was hardly a cloud in the sky, and the sun was shining. It was Saturday, so there was neither school nor any job that would prevent you from spending the day apart. Your face changed to excitement when you discovered a note along with a special breakfast, informing you of a surprise lunch at Fred’s, the American-style restaurant. At the time you thought you were the luckiest girl in the universe, and that nothing and no one was going to change your mind, but things never work out the way you expect them to.

At around 13:15 you were seated at a table, and you yourself had decided which table you preferred, opting for the one right next to the large window, where you could watch the crowds passing by on the street. While your father informed the waitress about the menu you were going to have, you played with the bottle of ketchup while looking out of the window, on Saturdays the centre was usually crowded and that put you in a good mood. A Jukebox harmonised the atmosphere with typical songs of that decade, you had no idea what the song was, but you knew that you had heard it before in some sitcom. You were delighted, you seemed to be part of one of those comic scenes that made you laugh night after night, however something outside caught your attention, making you drop the bottle of ketchup from your hands. The scene was strange, people were no longer walking, running, no longer laughing, shouting, but you barely had time to utter “Mum…” before a bomb smashed through the large window.

Trauma. An inconsistent word that has so many negative connotations for the person who suffers from it. You never thought that a life filled with numerous catastrophic experiences could ever find the meaning of the word ‘Peace’ again, yet there you were, searching for it. The placid singing of the water crashing against the stones of the riverbed was the best melody you could wake up to every morning. After so many years you had found a place away from civilisation, far from the terror of humanity. A hut in the middle of the green and brown fields of Wakanda, a place where nothing and no one could disturb you. You could say, you could barely remember the time when you were at peace with yourself, maybe your childhood, but there was nothing left of that. However, the harmony around you, together with the humility of country life had given you back all the strength you needed to be able to go on with your life.

But now the question is how you came to Wakanda and why. It had been almost a year since a terrifying experience in the maximum security prison for humans with superpowers, also known as the Raft, prevented you from ever finding inner peace again. During the indeterminate period of time you were held in that underwater facility, the guards did terrible things to your brain. Fear for your powers caused them to take the initiative in using brain torture methods, the only way they discovered that was effective in overriding them. It left scars on you that would last a lifetime, if you made it out of there alive, which you came to believe would be impossible.

The next question is how you came to find yourself in that situation, but we’d better go back to the beginning, when that bomb hit that American-style restaurant in your hometown of Novi Grad. The darkness came moments after the projectile pierced the glass of that building and found its way into the ruins inside, creating a gaping hole underground. The loss of time and space came upon you, when you opened your eyes there was nothing, it was all darkness, yet a red, flickering light was just a few centimetres from your face. You could not move, your limbs were confined by the debris, you could only see the light that slightly illuminated the small air chamber in which you found yourself. You saw that metallic object in front of you, which had written on its side words that were engraved in your memory forever 'Stark Industries’.

It was a long period in which tears silently flowed from your eyes, it was indescribable the way fear clung to your body, with a small hope of being found that flickered on and off with that red light. You hardly knew what that light meant, that it really was a 'lucky break’ for you, at least that’s what all the news said when you were rescued two days later. Eventually you discovered that the bomb must have exploded, that like your parents and all the other members of the local, you must have died.

Your life after that did not improve, but you found them, Wanda and Pietro Maximoff. Your similar experiences during the bombing of Sokovia brought you together, they had also lost their parents and now you were three orphans who were confined from house to house waiting to come of age and flee the place.  The country of Sokovia became a war zone, with US troops frequently invading the streets, causing protests by the locals to intensify. During your youth you were a very active part of them, along with the twins, especially those against 'Stark Industries’. What those experiences generated was that the hatred you had hidden for Stark resurfaced again. The three of you wanted to purge your nation of foreign conflicts, so you met a division fighting for the same thing called HYDRA. You joined together, hoping to change the world, hoping to seek peace and freedom again, but that is not what happened. That group had very different ideas, ideas that you three were obviously not a part of, yet your innocence played a trick on you. Stucker, the leader of the division, offered you power, an outlet in the fight against violence, and you accepted, exposing yourselves to a series of physical experiments, called the 'Miracles’ programme. The programme consisted of exposing your bodies to radiation emitted through a sceptre that you had no idea what it was. Thirty-two people participated in the experiment, only you three remained alive. This caused a series of supernatural powers to develop in each of you. In your case, the psionic force took control of your body.

At this point HYDRA had got what it wanted, three superhumans to fight the Avengers, including Iron Man, aka Tony Stark, CEO of Stark Industries. It was impossible to admit that this was too juicy an incentive for you to pass up. The Avengers travelled to Sokovia with the intention of stealing the sceptre that gave you your powers. It was then, at the age of 25, after fifteen years of waiting for that moment, that you came face to face with the creator of the bomb that killed your parents, in that HYDRA operations centre in Sokovia. For the first time you could look him in the eye.

“Hey, J, a quick infrared scanner to the room,” he said in the middle of that wide ship, he had shed the suit, which was now operating on its own.

“The column to your left, I detected a human presence, with radiation levels off the charts,” the suit spoke up, discovering your position.

There was no point in staying hidden, it was the opposite of what you wanted, you wanted him to see you, to have the courage to look you in the eye, to not know who you were and let him know. Tony turned quickly towards that column that the inner voice of his suit had informed him about and bumped into you. The moment came. The brown of his iris projected towards you, he looked terribly harmless, he raised his left hand and Iron Man’s limb covered his own, projecting the palm of his hand towards your body. A smirk of arrogance amplified on your mouth.

“I mean you no harm,” his voice came out fast.

“So late,” you whispered without wiping away the smile, as you slowly raised your palms, creating a psionic field in a circular shape.

Just as Iron Man’s limb had attached itself to yours, the entire suit suddenly encircled your body. At that very moment you projected the psionic field towards him, starting a fierce battle in the middle of that ship. A battle that lasted no more than ten minutes due to your lack of ability to control, manipulate and project your powers. But that would be the first of many times you were to encounter him, that first encounter left you with a thirst for vengeance that would eventually fade, but at that moment it was impossible for you to know.

Things evolved over time, from HYDRA you came to ULTRON, who immersed you in his power, told you he was coming to save the world, but also to wipe out the Avengers, trapping you again in his intentions, believing his were the same as yours. Baron Von Strucker was killed shortly after by Ultron, now it was just the four of you, Ultron, the Maximoff twins and you.

At Salvage Yard, on the African Coast, was the second encounter. Your little group had headed out to meet Ulysses Klaue, an international criminal and underground black market arms dealer, to obtain the world’s most durable material, vibranium, however the Avengers also showed up, making the encounter more interesting. Thor, Captain America and Iron Man stood before the four of you in the middle of a gorge of corridors inside that container ship. There was Iron Man again, covering the body of Tony Stark inside.

“Are you comfortable?” Pietro turned his gaze to a set of missiles that were located on the lower deck. “Like the old times?

"This was never my life,” Iron Man replied, his voice neutral.

“Of course not,” you interjected, stepping to Pietro’s side. “He’s just the enforcer, isn’t he?”

“You can still walk away from this,” Captain America interjected, offering a nostalgic gesture from under his helmet.

“Oh, we’ll do it,” you said with marked indifference. “When the time comes.”

“I know you have suffered,” Captain America commented, eliciting a broad smile from you.

“You know that…” you whispered with a grin, lowering your gaze to your hands where psionic force was slowly concentrating through your fingers. “I really don’t care if you know.”

“It’s about me,” Tony’s stiff voice hit the mark.

“Bingo,” you said wryly just as a wide psionic field formed between your hands offering the signal for the battle to begin.

Disproportionate beams of light slammed into your pupils, energy bursting from each of you, causing the others to stand on guard and find their opponent to carry out their actions. Ultron’s minions moved to counterattack, while you scattered without a specific destination. You had had weeks of training to be able to face the new encounter you all knew was coming, and you could feel your control over your powers becoming more extended, but to do so you had to have your full attention focused on your actions.

The clash between you and Iron Man sent you off course, into a maze of dark corridors and passageways that were only illuminated by the energy coming out of that armour. Your psionic strength kept at bay the radiation that poured from the palm of his gauntlets and the monorail on his chest, causing it to bounce hard off the iron blocks of the walls.

“I’m not who you think I am,” Tony Stark’s voice came through the armour.

“Very subtle when you hide behind a mask,” your words caused the mask that covered Tony’s face to be exposed.

You stared into his eyes, feeling the energy burning inside you, feeling it building up in your hands, so you raised the palm of your hands without holding back, letting all that power come out and collide with the stealth lightning that Tony Stark let out of the palm of his hands. As if the two segments of energy were fighting a battle of their own they connected. With each draw of energy, exhaustion began to wash over you, knowing that you couldn’t last much longer than a couple of minutes in that situation. The clash caused sparks to reach each of the four sides of that corridor, denting the iron, melting it, but neither of you noticed.

At the third minute you pulled your hands away and threw yourself to one side so that its beam would not hit your body. Almost out of breath you dropped to the ground holding your palms up, Tony stopped the repulsor bolts of his gauntlets and turned his gaze upon you, but just as he took a step to approach you, a sharp, screeching noise caused you to change the destination of your gaze. What your eyes saw caused a nightmare to cling to your memory, the ceiling began to collapse, your exhaustion prevented you from creating a psionic field, your body became unresponsive and your mind locked. Your only institute was to close your eyes as tightly as you could, not knowing what was going to happen, but at that very moment when you heard how everything started to collapse, arms caught your body clutching it against a rigid chest and pulled you out.

So it was that once again a new failure was added to the list of your interventions. When you opened your eyes your body was lying prostrate in a corner of the main ship’s nave, where it had all started, but where there was no one left. The consumption of energy you had expended had left you without a shred of power within you. You looked up, your eyes a representation of the terror that had just reminded you of that moment, barely able to keep your breathing calm, and barely able to keep the words in your mouth when you saw Tony Stark’s face in front of yours again, before he looked away and walked away.

That was a turning point, for the next time you met Tony Stark face to face, you were on the same side. After the battle at Salvage Yard, the four of you, Ultron, the twins and you travelled to Seoul where Ultron’s true intentions were revealed. Ultron intended to create a genocide of humanity as a whole, he intended to create an enhanced body to dispose of his own. This horrified the three of you, causing you to flee from his power, causing Ultron’s wrath to prevail, creating a conflict in Seoul, in which the Avengers appeared. But the important thing in that was that the three of you joined the Avengers to save what had been your city, the place where you were born, Novi Grad.

You knew of Ultron’s plans for humanity, his intention was to create a device that would lift the city of Novi Grad into the sky, then drop it to Earth in a meteoric impact. On the way back to Sokovia, the place where it all began, a host of inexplicable feelings came to you, anger, shame, humiliation, hypocrisy… all related to your actions. Silence was present over the three of you, no conversations except those present to plan actions upon your arrival.

“Ultron knows we’re coming. Odds are we’ll be riding into heavy fire, and that’s what we signed up for. But the people of Sokovia, they didn’t. So our priority is getting them out, ” the words coming from Steve made you nod, keeping your eyes averted. “All they want is to live their lives in peace, and that’s not going to happen today.” You felt Tony’s eyes on you, you looked up to confirm it, but this meeting of glances made you uncomfortable, changing your position. “But we can do our best to protect them. And we can get the job done, and find out what Ultron’s been building. We find Romanoff, and we clear the field. Keep the fight between us.” He paused. “Ultron thinks we’re monsters and we’re what’s wrong with the world. This isn’t just about beating him. It’s about whether he’s right.“

Those last words crashed into you, you had been asking yourself the same question for weeks, you also needed to have an answer to it. So that’s how the end of the beginning began. You could never imagine what it would be like to see hundreds of people running through those streets again, the streets where you had grown up, where you had fought for your ideals and where you were now saving all those people so that the events you had experienced would never happen again. Each of you had a specific area, your mission was to guide the population to the safe side, protecting them from Ultron’s minions. Everything seemed to be going as assured, however time ran out, the ground began to crack, creating cracks, splitting the earth, causing an area of the city to rise into the air.

The terror of the scene brought you back to your childhood, you leaned against a building keeping your breathing as calm as possible and looked around you, the horror was present again, the screams of the people made a dent inside you, you closed your eyelids as tight as possible and put your hands to your head trying to erase that sound from your mind. Your back was slowly sliding down the wall until you were sitting completely on the ruins of the building.

“Hey!” Steve’s voice sounded close to you. “Are you okay?” his question barely got an answer from you, you felt his hand resting on your shoulder. “Hey, look at me. Are you okay?” you opened your eyes again and with a terrified look on your face you nodded, looking for the strength to face it. “I need you, those people need you, I know this is crazy, I know you’re terrified, but so are they.” You looked around you contemplating the massacre. “You can help them, they are your people.”

Again, Steve’s words gave you the courage you needed to find the calm within yourself, stand up and do everything you could to stop those robots that Ultron had built and turned into his allies. You knew what your mission was, you had a mission now and you couldn’t let it paralyse you.

“Stark, you worry about bringing the city back down safely. The rest of us have one job: tear these things apart. You get hurt, hurt 'em back. You get killed… walk it off.”

The population was congregated in a specific point of the city, there was no solution to evict them if that part of the city did not come down and land again, until a ship, the Helicarrier, appeared between the clouds to create a solution to one of your problems, the eviction of the population. Now all that was left to do was to get that piece of land back in place.

“Avengers, time to work for a living,” Tony announced over the intercom. While the population was getting to safety in the boats, you as a whole had gathered at the church in Novi Grad, where Ultron had located the core, or rather the button, with which he would bring the city down, destroying all of humanity.

“What’s the plan?” you asked, confused by the situation.

“This is the drill. If Ultron gets a hand on the core, we lose,” Tony replied pointing to the vibranium contraption in the centre of the shattered dome.

In front of you hundreds of robots captained by Ultron approached without stopping their pace. You sucked air into your lungs, awaiting the arrival of one of the most crucial moments of your existence, perhaps the most crucial, for in a few hours you could possibly be extinct along with humanity.

“This is exactly what I wanted. All of you, against all of me,” Ultron also had his plan and that was. “How could you possibly hope to stop me?”

“Well, like the old man said,” Tony looked at each of you. “Together.”

The battle for survival began. You thought the previous battles you had fought were the ones that could change the course of your destiny, the ones where you had faced Tony Stark, but you couldn’t have been more wrong, that was nothing compared to what you were going through right now. Each of you was part of that team, your energy was renewed every time you used it because you were fighting for a reason, the strength in you shone through. You were all a team and you were getting through this together. One by one Ultron’s robots fell, until there were none left standing, but it wasn’t over.

“We gotta move out. Even I can tell the air is getting thin. You guys get to the boats, I’ll sweep for stragglers, be right behind you,” Steve asked just after the last robot was down.

“The core-” began Tony after he had bared his face, but you barely let him finish his words.

“I’ll protect it,” you said firmly, giving a slight nod to yourself, “it’s my job.”

Tony connected his eyes with yours offering you a slight nod, just before he covered his face again and flew away. “I’ll stay with you,” added Wanda to whom you offered a faint smile before everyone disappeared from the scene and Pietro was ordered to return to you once everyone was in the boats. Everything seemed to be going according to plan, only a few straggling robots were presenting themselves to you with the intention of overthrowing your mission, but something happened. You felt your friend’s body collapse right behind you, you turned your head and saw Wanda’s face distorted, your eyes widened in confusion as she began to utter a scream that made your eardrums ring. She fell to her knees, causing her powers to spiral out of control in the crash, destroying every element in her path, so you had to create a force field around yourself in the hope that you would be unaffected. Your thoughts began to connect, trying to find an answer to his attitude, and you found it. Pietro.

You both walked through the streets, but she scattered within minutes Wanda disappeared in search of Ultron, leaving you there, but there was no one left to fight with, or fight for. It was at the very moment you questioned the functionality of your existence that Novi Grad plummeted thousands of feet into the air, offering you the answer to your question. Your eyes closed but you were no longer afraid, on the contrary, you had been able to find peace, everything came to an end in the same place where it all began. But as if someone had been watching over you, you felt arms holding your body and slowing down the frantic rhythm of the plummeting fall. You opened your eyes and found yourself being held by Iron Man’s armour.

“ I got you,” he said flying in the opposite direction, managing to dodge the ruins of that city. “Now Thor!”

A new turning point that changed the course of your actions and your destiny lay before you. Despite your best efforts, nearly 120 lives were lost during the Battle of Sokovia, including that of Pietro Maximoff. It was a before and after, symbolising the power of war and what could be its fatal consequences. For you it was a judgement, a learning experience, feeling guilty for much of what had happened, for helping HYDRA, for helping Ultron, to elaborate his actions. Your guilt led you to rethink your future, the course of new events led you and Wanda to a new country. You arrived in the United States, welcoming the New Avengers Facility as a new home. Offering you a roof to sleep under, training for your powers and a new family, though you didn’t feel that way at first.

You spent many hours in search of solitude, at the end of that green esplanade, when the tall oak trees were beginning to remind you of home. It was one afternoon in the first week, when you were still adjusting to it all, and you found yourself reading, leaning against a tree trunk.

“Hiding?” Tony’s voice pulled you out of your reading. “Oh, Sylvia Plath, great,” you looked at him, but offered no response, so he opted to sit awkwardly right in front of you on the grass. “Listen, we haven’t had much time… you know,” he took off his sunglasses and shrugged. “I’ve been looking through the files and … I know what happened to you… with your parents.”

“You know,” you said with a raised eyebrow, putting the book aside. “Do you also know what happened to the other thousands of people or do you only have a file on me and a file on Wanda and Pietro?”

The confidence in your voice was at odds with the insecurity Tony was showing, so when you saw him turn his head to the right side as he crumpled his face you opted to do what you had been thinking about for the last few days, call it a day.

“Listen. I’ve spent many years imagining what it would be like when I had you in front of me,” you began to say calmly, keeping your gaze fixed on your fingers as Tony watched you with his head cocked to one side, listening to you intently. “In what I was going to tell you, in the way I would let you know the pain I felt inside, because to me you were to blame for everything bad that had happened to me,” you paused, took a breath and thought about what you were going to say next. “But the moment I had you in front of me I didn’t say anything I had planned to say, I let my anger and pain guide me, and it didn’t do any good. The same thing happened the second time, and the third time it was pointless because there was something much more important to fight for.”

“I…” Tony interjected.

“Please, let me finish,” you cut him off, causing Tony to nod and turn his attention back to you. Sadness clouded his features. “So now I have you in front of me again I just want you to know that I have realised that…” you paused causing Tony to make a slight gesture of approaching you, but when you started to speak again he stopped. “I have no intention of you bearing my ghosts, but I need you to know that I spent two days under the rubble waiting for Stark to kill me,” your voice cracked, and Tony’s eyes reddened. “Watching your name light up on the side of that missile every time that flashing red light illuminated the darkness, hearing that beeping sound that I still can’t erase from my mind, terrified that my breathing would cause that bomb to detonate because my limbs could barely move.”

For the first time you raised your face to meet wide open brown eyes, reddened and unable to hold your gaze for long. Tony’s face was pale during those moments, his body was no longer upright and he was nervously running his hand over his lips.

“With that said, it only remains for me to let you know that I will not let the hatred and vengeance of a ten year old consume me,” you looked back down at your hands, allowing Tony’s eyes to fall on you again. “I’ve seen the power that resentment brings with it, I don’t want that for myself,” you connected your gazes. “Then I suppose I must forgive you in order to move forward.”

Silence. Silence flooded the room leaving heavy breaths in the air that symbolised the tension of the situation you were both experiencing for the first time right now. There was no right answer to everything you had said, it was clear to you that Tony didn’t know how to act at that moment. You sat cross-legged on the damp grass, watching him, seeing how he couldn’t hold your gaze since you had explained that you saw his name reflected in that missile. Yet he fought against it and focused his brown eyes on yours.

“I promise you…” he began stiffly, but again you cut him off.

“Tony, don’t promise me anything,” your voice was soft, as if you were talking to a small child.  "Please.“

After your denial of his action, he only nodded. He merely nodded as he intertwined his fingers and began to fidget restlessly with his left leg.

"Then I don’t know what you want,” his tone offered an enormous insecurity marked by nervousness.

“That’s the point. I don’t want anything, Tony,” you said without fidgeting.

“All right,” he nodded confusedly, rising quickly but awkwardly from the grass in an attempt to get away from the situation. “So… I hope it’s all to your liking.”

With that said, he turned his back on you and left the same way he had come. Leaving you under the shade of that oak tree with Sylvia Plath.

Now, too much had happened since then, much of it was why you found yourself in Wakanda trying to juxtapose all that had happened, but what you didn’t know was that on that placid morning when you went for a walk along the banks of that small riverbed, Shuri and T'Challa would come to inform you that he was there and that he had asked to speak with you.

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[mc-critical]

Do you know if Mahidevran was portrayed as being of concubine orgin or of royal orgins in the show? I know historical Mahidevran was believed to be from a neighboring royal Circassian family which was later disproven, but I’m still not entirely sure which enterpretation they decided to go with in show. I know in the beginning of the show there was a lot of “Mahidevran is not like Hürrem” being thrown around but I’m not sure if that’s because it was being established that she was of royal orgins or simply because she was the mother of a prince and Hürrem was still just a concubine. I know Mahi also reffered to herself as Suleiman’s wife in the beginning a lot (at least in the translation I watch. And I know that royal women had to legally marry the sultan in order to be a part of the harem) and she was allowed to do charitable acts which Hürrem was told she couldn’t do because she was a concubine..like I’m so confused was Mahidevran royal or not😭 everytime I think one thing someone comes along and shows it as otherwise

They never specified Mahidevran's origins in the show. We don't know for sure whether she was royal or not.

The only clear thing is that she wasn't a free woman in the harem, as she herself wanted from SS to free her in E45, but it was established before with Isabella (and Farya in MCK later?) that you lose your freedom if you stay in the harem, even if you're a princess. So I wouldn't sign the notion that she could've been some kind of a nobility in the show off entirely, but I have a more traditional backstory for her, with being captured and taken as a slave in the harem and stuff, in my headcanon. (I'm a fan of the Circassian nobility theory, but when I think further, eh?) She may have lost her family, too, since Süleiman (and then Mustafa) is basically family to her that has turned into an attachment incredibly hard to let go of, she could have still come from Circassia just like MCK Mahfiruze was confirmed to, but we just... don't have a clear, canon origin for MC Mahidevran. We can only speculate. She's already in the castle in all of her flashbacks, Valide has presented her to Süleiman, as revealed in E55, but... that's it.

{To be honest, the part Mahidevran plays in the letting go of your past theme with her absense of backstory is very fascinating to me, as I said here. It puts her actions in a much more understandable context when you look deep enough and in retrospect, it only remains a vector for her character arc, but I get why the mystery about her origin in the show may be offputting. It leaves stuff to interpretation, and some interpretations tend to often brush off Mahidevran's struggle and trauma in her new environment.}

Mahidevran was presented as SS's wife at first in the Bulgarian dub, as well, but that is only a translation issue. In the original version, Mahidevran is referred as a "haseki sultan" (and "baş kadın" once by Hatice in E02). MC's hierarchy is inconsistent and you could very much take what you will from it in many cases, but the haseki sultan there is simply the mother of a prince. Hatice said in E12 that Mahidevran and Hürrem are equal in rank, which clearly meant that Hürrem was also a haseki by then, IMO. And given that Mahidevran is a mother of a prince and Hürrem already had Mehmet, Hürrem became a haseki after his birth (E07). Also, after she was freed in E40, she told Mahidevran that she was no longer equal to her, which showed that yes, they were equal in rank until then in the show's universe, in spite of the characters' own stances of it.

To me, Hürrem not being regarded in the way she should have been for a major part of the show is not a hierarchy-based issue. It was mostly a tendentious writing move that desperately wanted to rub the consistent prejudice Hürrem went through in our faces, to give her good motivation and bonus sympathy points from the audience. (it usually felt so unbelievably forced that I always wondered: why? Hürrem was a deep, nuanced and sympathetic character on her own right, you don't need this constant endorsement of a prejudice status-quo in terms of them "mistitling" and disrespecting her and we especially don't need a constant cycle of attacks and forced conflicts to make her sympathetic, she already IS! I get why that was the case at one point, but they let it stay way beyond the normally possible.) But on the other hand, the considerable lack of respect they gave her and her desparation to never fall in an unfavorable position again was the primary reason why she wanted to move to Valide's chambers as soon as the harem became hers. No one sees her for what she is in her eyes, no one thinks it's what she deserves, no one would simply hand it to her, so she might as well take it by force. She considers these chambers as rightfully hers, an outward demonstration that she outshines everyone there and now that she rules the harem, she deserves to be in these chambers. It's one of the culminations of the things she has fought for in the harem. It was as if everyone was striving to remind her how above her they seemingly are and how she has to follow the rules. It is a thing that is woven into Hürrem's motivations, it also is a narrative affirmation that you have to fight for titles and respect. Look at how Hürrem addressed herself as a haseki in a monologue only by the S02 finale! (there was another scene in S02 where she did before this one, but I don't remember where it was exactly and the monologue was a much bigger moment for her character.) It is done on absolute purpose, twisting the set-up hierarchical rules in order to kick off a conflict or deliver a message across or typical sympathy points. It became really annoying after a while and it's even more annoying on rewatch, because what it pulls off best is only people getting confused by the hierarchy, by stuff that could be freely considered inconsistencies.

It's true that the show seemed to capitalize on Mahidevran's supposedly higher position than Hürrem and it sometimes felt like that truly was the case (like when SS called her "haseki" and Hürrem "hatun" consequently after Hürrem accused Mustafa of the fire in E10), but most of these attempts to get her to behave in a way that would befit her rank, strive to become better, control her emotions, focus on Mustafa are there also more because Mahidevran was accepted as a part of the family, she was a person they all knew and loved and didn't want to see suffer. They see how broken she is, but also that her earlier rash actions might have devastating consequences both to her own psyche and the people around her, so they "calm her down" the best way they know how, the way they're used to do it in the system they've been raised (I'm referring to Valide and Hatice in particular) - tell her that she is a haseki and these scandals don't suit her.

[By the way, non-free concubines are allowed to do charity everywhere but in the holy lands. Hürrem wasn't allowed to do charity, precisely because she wanted to do it in the holy lands, as per Nigar's advice. Mahidevran simply did charity in other cities.]

[nephilimeq]

done! i submitted the whole thing. (ps: please, ignore the first one and take into consideration only the last one? i submitted it twice because i realized that the first draft had a few grammatical errors, so i fixed them and resent the whole thing once again. so yeah, ignore the first one and publish only the latest version that i submitted please? thank you and sorry for the mess! 🙏❤️

Okay, I am going to answer you here. Hope you don't mind!

Yes, Soctt McCall is a form of Gary Stu, with the powers and the popularity that follows, but that’s where the “Gary Stu” ends. I feel that it is a two-part problem due to inconsistent writing and having a producer like Jeff Davis in charge of a teen show. Jeff Davis is the one who created Criminal Minds. I know that sounds like an odd point to make, but when you have someone who is used to dealing with actors who turn a bad script of inconsistent writing into good viewing, you have someone who relies too heavily on actors to carry the brunt of the work, which is one of the reasons why I feel the character of Scott McCall suffered.

If they were really going with the True Alpha plotline, according to all of Scott’s actions up until that point, there is no way that he could have been one. He acted selfishly and with no regard to the safety of the people around him, besides himself. Also, due to inconsistent canon, it makes no sense that Derek could never have been a true alpha. I will not capitalize it here, because the best leaders are the ones that don’t seek leadership, and Derek never did. Versus Scott, who constantly did, and needed it for validation. Derek’s actions with Boyd, Erica, and Isaac, were an attempt to make a family, a pack, that could help protect Beacon Hills…and he gave them a choice. His choice was to give them a place where they could belong, along with the strength to protect those they loved. This is where Scott’s character misses the mark entirely, and the main reason why he was a bad main character: Scott never learned that the family that you choose is what’s most important.

One of the things that was shown very early on about Scott’s character was the fact that he constantly cared more about what people thought of him, especially authority figures, than anyone or anything else. Considering he mainly grew up with a single mother, it kind of goes to his psychology in trying to get into good graces with male authority figures, like when he helps out Gerard.

(don’t get me started on that, I will use way too many expletives and could go on for hours about how horrible that plotline was)

Interestingly enough, I am very glad that they used Stiles’ character to dig through Derek’s trauma because there is a strong parallel between the two characters: two boys who lost a significant portion of their family and blame themselves for it, though they were not to blame. Scott also has a somewhat turbulent background, but it does not resonate the same way, which is why I am glad that they used Stiles to further Derek’s storyline. It was one of the few plot choices that I applauded wholeheartedly. However, writing Scott as being dismissive of Derek’s past immediately made a lot of people not like Scott right in the beginning, and is one of the reasons why he fell into the fandom’s bad graces.

With regards as to how Scott denies Derek as his alpha…whew boy. Let me take a breath before I begin and let me make sure that this is concise.

Derek never even wanted to be Scott’s alpha, he just wanted to help him be a better werewolf. By Scott taking his offer of help as an affront to his manhood, he turned down the one person who would actually be able to help him and brought every single bad thing onto himself throughout the series. Had he enlisted Derek’s aid and listened to him, he would have been better prepared…but he didn’t.

Having Stiles as the one of the only characters to try and learn, to try and figure out what was going on, to consistently dig and ask questions and have the open-mindedness to change and alter his preconceived notions, you make him a character that people like and can relate to.

And, with regards to the narrator of the story, it’s pretty obvious to me that the narrator of the story was Stiles for the first couple of seasons, because the audience can see that Scott’s actions are toxic. Had Scott been narrating, we wouldn’t have been able to see it, but because we can, we know that Stiles is the one telling the story. Because of this, the audience can see that Scott is selfish and narcissistic. If they can’t see it, then that usually means that they exhibit some of these traits themselves and see nothing wrong with them.

Okay, I digress. Tell me whether or not I addressed all the issues and whether or not you agree with them. Remember, this is my perspective as a writer and someone who has been studying this stuff on my own for fourteen years.

[floraisondiadem]

summer bishil . cis woman . she/her . wasn’t that victoire girault walking the palace grounds ? it’s nice to see the cupbearer out and about on such a fine day as this. I’ve heard from the court spies that they notoriously decadent, whilst also managing to be quite suasive. the thirty-four year old is eager to find out who exactly is behind the killings from what’s being said at court. I heard that they themselves are vrajiit ( mnemokinesis ). it’s funny, whenever I think of them, I think of the warmth of a tea kettle, a ribcage crafted of diamonds filled to overflowing with gems the color of spilled blood, taught words dripping with honey and vacant promises of kingdoms and of staying by your side eternally . great to see the scavenger around, isn’t it ?

⇢ 𝐁𝐀𝐒𝐈𝐂 𝐈𝐍𝐅𝐎𝐑𝐌𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍;

full name: victoire girault meaning: ❛  victory | to rule, spear  ❜ nickname(s) | aliases: vic occupation; current | former cupbearer, owner of the memoriae | court lady home: crysala martial affiliation: entwined in an engagement to house kalise affiliation | alignment: herself, the girault’s | chaotic neutral disposition { positive }; suasive, assiduous, pragmatic disposition { negative }; decadent, malefic, forgetful notable physical traits: various faint scars from youth branching out over body underneath her clothes, likewise one stretched out across bottom lip and barely brushing against top. 

tw: death, tw: murder, tw: mentions of amnesia, tw: injuring of a child, tw: mention of blood

✧ femme is the second born to lord achilleas girault — he wore the title loosely, like an ill-fitted suit on the frame of someone smaller in spite of contrary, more of a man-at-arms than gilded. more raptor like and victoire bore his likeness in her eyes, dark reflective glass, in her stance which had not always been sure, ridged, a form which appeared to stand upon a tight rope over a cavernous pit. her resolve to not fall in absolute, in vulturine gaze, in the neat placement of a blade sliding into a rib as eyes met that of a target. while appearance, skin and hair, mirrored that of his second wife dionaea, a lady of the capital, a weaver, whose split at the edges lips were as painted as the red lace she wore. a treader of the waters carefully, speak in tones both forthright and vague. match the gilded game for game yet be cautious of plummeting into the maw.  followed by the birth of the twins, ever so subservient dimitrie and little prim dedre. vrajiit blood in veins of one, tied in by a relative which had granted victoire hers.

✧ his first wife was lady eirene of malsovia, this union much like his next was arranged by how much influential status would be acquired, each linked by a lack of love yet he himself sought out second bride while first had been at the firm behest of parentals. she’d gifted him his heir, the kaleidoscopic achilleas II girault before death had placed it’s kiss upon her cheek after brushes with chronic fatigue since she was a babe. and yet even after this prosperous bunch he trailed after a mistress whom gave another son — more spares she’d thought, just in case one didn’t turn out right and he had to start over. mold another from clay with fingers worn by the use of malleable flesh — connection was brief, if and when he decided to pursue a thing designated as more heartfelt, when the poison in her teacup slipped behind lips by jealous dionaea. 

✧ victoire was aged ten when her ability made itself known, wrapping arms around her small shoulders and leaning to whisper in her ear white noise. the child was the first to know of her mother’s deed, witness it through her eyes before the memory so twisted itself into her psyche that it was assumed vic had committed it herself. mother did not give credence to the reality of the situation. held little victoire as she wept and father condemned her crime.

✧ lord achilleas the first made sure to train his five children himself. cultivated interests in weapons, in swift movement and desire to split flesh, made sure they knew to fuck up would mean going without food for weeks at a time and a bruised body. his lessons would be all they could stomach, all he would feed them with for wasted offspring wasn't ideal in his inkling for the future, his grand scheme. set them against one another in matches after starving them of father’s approval, told them he’d be proud of whomever won. and instead of listening to her half sister's pleas for mercy during one such spar, victoire looked her father in the eye with the sweetest of smiles before shattering bone. their family didn't deal in leniency even if family was involved.

✧ to hone her power she’d stayed with an aunt deep in the mountains, her connection to their lineage unclear like dirty paint water and all she’d been given was shaky assurances. the woman was like her however which drew intrigue, manipulation a craft that blended in well with patriarch’s side of the family. father not one for such subtle tactics but saw benefit in tutelage allowed it’s hands around her throat, squeezing, breathing words into her lips towards a design unwarranted but necessary. she learned to rip the brain apart, scramble it in a way that a clean slate was offered up and the blank eyes haunted her still as did the frantic question who am I that fell from quivering lips. she learned to restore, to modify by inserting herself into the mind of others and fabricate events in the mind of the already gone. it drove victoire mad, the skulls she’d tormented, it broke her, even while being patched up in a frankenstein way then being told to continue — could no longer tell what was hers.

✧ occupationally it was near easy to slip herself into the thoughts of few around the king, a struggle yes, especially when choosing who to use her gift upon, but she’d weaved her way so tightly that it was assumed victoire had been there all along, worked for the king as cupbearer for years and wore the title of loyal friend expertly. like it belonged on her shoulders. made more real by the actual service of her family members in his war. subsequently during this machiavellian theater act came about her engagement to a member of house kalise brought about by brother’s hand as father was no longer able to do so. the family was in desperate need of allies and it showed. ever so dutiful victoire accepted the engagement with the energy of a cat about to swipe it’s paw over something breakable after you told it no. 

⇢ P o w e r s & A b i l i t i e s;

mnemokinesis; user can control the memories of others, allowing them to modify, fabricate, suppress, restore, erase, and view them. they can change memories to confuse, wipe away certain memories to cause amnesia, discern and provoke nostalgia, and enter the victim into a psychic vision, replaying their memory.

⇢ W e a k n e s s ( e s ) | L i m i t a t i o n (s);

✧ gets overwhelmed with memories of others for they have to be stored somewhere instead of the targets skull if they so chose to have a memory erased, confusing her memories with someone else's causing often a mental collapse. /  overuse and/or memories inconsistent with the environment, other memories, and/or other key elements may cause the target to suffer a nervous breakdown.

✧ needs to make physical contact with targets to activate their power leaving user vulnerable to attack.

✧ psychic shield ( highly resistant ) and psychic immunity ( impervious ). though of course others with a high resistance to mental manipulation could sever her ability. ( victoire knows to ask for permission first however. )

[carrietrekkie]

Exelor

Chapter II - Something is terribly wrong here.

Hey together!

Here is the next part! Now it gets much more intenser as the Enterprise landing party discovers something unbelievable..

Chapter I

Masterlist

Please leave me some fb if you didn´t mind. ;)

@bold-brave-courageous @allthetrek @reeselivesforeverinmyheart

The capital of Exelor was truly not a beautiful place. Ensign Freeman explained to me, it was exactly the standard construction of the Federation, although the planet was quite a pleasant place. I used the time until our arrival to make myself acquainted with the history of our mission aim. By that time, the colony had been formed because Exelor, a M class planet, had vast mineral deposits, a colorful cocktail of everything the Federation and especially Starfleet needed to function. This, however, was also the problem, the restrictions and rules that governed the trade and so they had won their independence to do and leave what they thought was right and of course most profitable. We arrived at a dead end, one-family houses stood around the insert, one as bleak as the other. "We should split up." Mayas nodded to me and I followed the doctor to one of the houses. One of our security guards followed us.

"Zimmer, may I ask you something?" "Of course, Mam." I swallowed slightly. "What do you think of this?" She drew a circle around her. "What do you mean?" "Isn´t it funny?" Mayas knocked softly on the door, gently pressed against it and it opened. "This is not the first medical crisis I'm experiencing, but here." She shook her head. "It's too quiet." "Well, people are sick or scared." Carefully, I followed her, my hand on my phaser, wondering for a moment about myself doing this. "I have no experience with the Andorian flu, but if it is only half as enjoyable as the Terran, I can understand that good." "Oh it is." She swiftly with her tongue. "Maybe I just need a shore leave." I gave her a smile, then she made me understand that I should go upstairs, she began to look around the lower floor. Slowly I went up the stairs and stopped. Again, it was terribly dismal, even my quarters on the Enterprise was personally furnished. A noise forced my attention to the left. "Hello?" I started moving and followed what I thought was crying. "Does anyone need help here?"

 My heart was beating to my throat, a strange feeling in my stomach and my hand closed so tightly around the handle of my phaser that it hurt. Carefully I circled around the corner and had to pull myself together, that I didn´t exhale too relieved. On a bed a young woman, maybe my age, crouched a baby in her arms. She cried and rocked her upper body slightly back and forth. "Oh God." I turned quickly. "Dr. Mayas!"

 In a few steps I was at the two, let my backpack from the shoulders and went to my knees next to the woman. "Can you hear me?" I put my gloved hand on her forehead. Even through the fabric I could feel that she was glowing. Her eyes were glassy, ​​her breathing was heavy.

"Do you tell me your name?" "Juliana Narrows." She was hotter. "Who?" "I'm Cathrin Zimmer from the USS Enterprise." I smiled at her, then turned to the baby. Also it was hot but fortunately still alive. "We are here to help you." "Go away." Powerless, she lifted her arm and tried to push me away. "The others have already said that and now!" She began to sob. "My baby dies because of the medicine they gave her!" "I really don´t want to hurt you!" I put my hands on her shoulders. "What did they give you?" "Those, the paramedics who were here yesterday. They gave her pills and then. "She swallowed hard again. "Then she got a fever, didn´t want to eat and nobody comes to help us!"

What the hell was going on here? I looked over my shoulder as I heard someone approach. Mayas came to us and her trained eyes surveyed the situation immediately. "Both?" She put down her bag and pulled the tricorder off her belt "At least I thought the kids had been vaccinated?" Narrows jerked back as Mayas began examining her. "Cathrin can you take the baby?" "Of course." I moved to the other side of the bed and stretched out my arms. "Juliana, give me the little one." "No, you take her away from me!" Desperately, she looked at me. "Please don´t take her away!" "I will not take her away from you." Carefully, I put my arms around the baby. "I'm just holding her until Dr. Mayas examined you.” I nodded encouragingly to her and after a few seconds of hesitation she gave me the baby. "Okay." I smiled at her and then looked at the baby. Something was wrong with this picture. "Okay, you have the flu." Mayas loaded a hypospray and pressed it to her patient's neck. "Then let's have a look at her baby." She lifted the tricoder, but I could see from her gaze that the same thoughts passed through her mind as mine. No doubt this baby was sick and we were just as certain that it didn´t have the same illness as his mother. Shortly thereafter, the scan confirmed our guess. "The baby doesn´t have the same." "How could that be?" I watched as the doctor checked the scans manually again. "Two epidemics at once? Moreover, two such similar? " "So you noticed." She didn´t look at me, instead she examined the kid's throat. "Explain."

"The infections are similar, but while she's clearly suffering from a respiratory infection, the baby seems to be suffering from something that attacks the immune system." "Go on." Now she looked at me briefly.

"And it's quick." I looked around for a moment, then at my supervisor. "She told me there was someone here yesterday giving medicine to the child so it wouldn´t get sick." "Oral vaccines are not uncommon." "I know, but if we assume it was not like that, it's something." "Infectious." She twitched her eyebrows. "That's a terrifying incubation period and an extremely fierce course." "What are we doing?" I looked at the heavily breathing baby in my arms. "We bring both to the Enterprise." "Doctor!" Chris's words came to my mind. "That doesn´t correspond to the orders we have." "I know." But before she could talk any further, our communicators beeped and since I had my hands full she answered. "Dr. Mayas here! " "Here Dr. Boyd, we'll go back to the Enterprise, inform your people and then get out of here." "Sir, we barely started and Zimmer and I came across inconsistencies here." "Yeah, so am I." Even through the bad connection, you could hear how Boyd hit this condition on the stomach. "We have slipped into something that we cannot judge. The order comes directly from the Captain."

"Understood." Mayas pressed a few buttons on her communicator. "Mayas to External Team 2 prepare for beaming, at your discretion." She looked at me and though I barely knew her, I knew what was going through her mind. "That means trouble Mam." I looked at the mother, then at the child in my arms, then at her again. "Fuck it."

"Dr. Mayas to Enterprise. "She grabbed her backpack and then helped the woman onto her shaky legs. "Signal to my position, four to beam."

******

"What am I going to do with both of you now?" Mayas and I exchanged a look, then we gazed at Dr. Boyd. Instead of looking at us, his eyes were fixed on the baby in his arms. "What are we going to do with the two, mmh?" He smiled at the child, then gave us his attention. "So, who had the idea?" He nodded toward the baby's mother, who slept in a biobed next to us.

"It was mine, Sir." Mayas straightened up a bit. "It is entirely my responsibility." "Zimmer?" Boyd glanced at me. "Sir, I supported this suggestion." Denial was useless anyway. Boyd arrived at the Enterprise two seconds after us and the gaze as he had seen us two with the two inhabitants of the colony had spoken volumes. I still wondered that he had not exploded right on the spot.

"Yes." He grinned at the baby again, the little girl just reached out her hand to him. "Yes, I would have bet on that." "Phil, what should we have done?" The doctor grabbed a PADD and stepped next to him. "Both were in a catastrophic state." "I know." Boyd beckoned me to him, then he hugged the baby in my arms and I started rocking it a bit. "All the patients I've seen in that short period have had either the mother's or baby's symptoms." He sighed, suddenly looking twenty years older. "No doubt she has the Andorian flu, but the kid." Boyd stroked the baby over its head. "The little girl has something completely different." "You know what it is?" I stared at him. "I have a guess, yes, and if that turns out to be true." Behind us, something beeped and Boyd went to the station. He paused for a few seconds, then turned.

"Phil?" Mayas also came up to him, read the results and turning also pale. "For the love of mother and child." "What's happening?" Dr. Boyd waved me over, called something up, and then looked at me.

"In the Federation, all kinds of biological weapons are banned, outlawed, and just a matter of researching is a serious crime." Suddenly, I felt suck, and it got worse when he called up the girl's blood count. "I suspected it from the first moment, but I was not given the opportunity to investigate." Boyd looked at me. "The little one is the proof. In addition to the flu, large parts of the population were poisoned with a bacterium. " I looked at the baby. "Must she die?" "No, we can handle that well, she's already fitter than when she arrived. It is a particularly perfidious epidemic. Intended to weaken, demoralize the population." "Do we have to worry about being infected?" Mayas was still absorbed in the notes. "It will not be transmitted through the air, that would also weaken the attacking troops." "But why do they do that?" The baby fell asleep slowly.

"Exelor is independent, we have no idea what they are doing or with whom they have gotten themselves." Boyd hurried to a com unit. "This could be anything from an attack to an accident or a trap." He pushed the button.

"Here Dr. Boyd connect me immediately with Captain Pike."

****

Pike closed his communicator, then took a deep breath, opened his mouth, then closed it again because he was literally missing the words. "Sir, surely that's a mistake?" Lt. Commander Dumar stared at him. "Dr. Boyd makes no mistakes. "Spock looked around. "Not in such things, anyway." "Bioweapons?" Dumar's eyes widened. "I have not heard of any case in which they were used. Not since the last World War. "

"We should not jump to conclusions." Pike looked at his officers. "This warfare agent was developed from a naturally occurring bacterium. Before imposing war crimes on the people here, we need to be sure that it's not just a chain of unfortunate coincidences. "

He hoped that they would buy it for him, because inside it seethed in him. If that proves true, then it wouldn´t matter if Exelor was a member of the Federation or not, those responsible would experience the full severity of the judiciary and it could also mean the end of the colony. Before Spock could object, or Dumar continued to speak quickly, he set off and headed for the governor's office. He ignored the panicked secretary, as well as the security guard, who for a moment thought he might face the Starfleet officers.

A look from Pike was enough and he changed his mind. Chris knocked, but didn´t wait for him to be called in, instead he pushed the door open and saw Sforza shoot up from his chair. "Captain Pike, what do you allow yourself?" "What I allow me, Governor?" Chris pulled himself up in front of him, a menacing glint in his eyes. If there was something he really didn´t like at all, it was when you approached him. "Think carefully what you want to audition for next, because you have no idea what kind of trouble you´re charging up here." Sforza's lips tightened, then he nodded to his completely disbanded assistant that she should leave him alone with the officers. As soon as she closed the door, he collapsed in his chair.

 "I already asked myself how long it would take you to notice." "Excuse me?" Dumar stepped out from behind the captain. "You knew about it?" "Commander." Chris glared at him, enough to put him in his place. "Sir." "Governor, you owe me an explanation and not just me, but Starfleet, the Federation." He propped himself up at the desk with one hand, the other pointed out toward the main street. "You´ve lured us here under false pretenses, you've taken advantage of a humanitarian crisis to pull Starfleet into something which is non of our business, and now you have to live with the consequences, Sforza!" Pike took a moment to breathe. "You have five minutes, then I will inform the High Command."

"You're clearly overstepping your competencies here Captain Pike!" Somewhere, Sforza found some rest of his authority, straightened up and tried to look Chris as angry as he did. "What would the Federation have done if we had officially asked them for help in a matter that we had ourselves incinerated?"

"They would have sent appropriate help." Spock fixed the politician. "Followed by an invasion fleet." "So you're thinking about us governor?" Dumar couldn´t stay quiet any longer.

"We're sitting here on one of the largest dilicium deposits in the entire quadrant, we've long since withdrawn from the influence of the Federation and Starfleet, and now we've got involved with the wrong people." Sforza sighed. "Yes, that's what some think about the Federation and there are a few who want to violently enforce their opinions and views. Most of the population, however, hopes that you are our salvation from a mess that we have not seen for some time. "

"With all due respect, Governor, we are not here to get you out of domestic chaos, that you have got themselves into trouble. We are here because you are fighting two diseases here, one of which represents a biological warfare agent that has been banned since the early days of the Federation. "Chris didn´t fail to notice that Sforza became even paler at these words than he already was.

"What do you mean?" "An infection with Siofra bacteria." Spock discarded a PADD on the desk. "These are the first analyzes of our chief physician. In fact, you have a threatening outbreak of Andorian influenza, but also an epidemic with those same bacteria that are not naturally occurring in this way. "

"Thanks, Mr. Spock." Pike nodded to him. "Well, I hear." "In everything that is sacred to me and to you, Captain Pike." Sforza looked at him and an unmistakable tingle in Chris neck told him that the next one was not good news. "I swear to you, I knew nothing about that." "Who is responsible for that?" He didn´t get the answer anymore. The next thing he heard was a gigantic explosion, then the city's big alarm, before the next few hours sank into blood, violence and chaos.

[memorylang]

Pets! Pronunciation, Saints and Souls | #12 | November 2019

I was helping the Buddhist monks understand the English alphabet one Friday, when I found they had trouble hearing me teach the sounds /ch/ and /j/. These two sounds are and have always been two I’ve struggled with since birth. Finally, I just chalked on the board, /ch/ = /ч/ and /j/ = /ж/. So, those who understood explained it in Mongolian to the others. My speech problems go way back.

I often say, I struggled with my native language too, when my Mongolian students struggle to speak English. Today, I return you to my childhood to share how personal English pronunciation problems affect my teaching today (plus stories about pets).

While a Peace Corps Volunteer, I’ve watched over both a kitten and a puppy, too. They made me reflect on life. And November begins with Allhallowtide. So I’ll wrap up today’s stories living my first full triduum to the dead.

The Challenging Child

Growing up, I fumed when siblings and especially Father kept telling me to, “Stop mumbling.” I never intended to sound inarticulate. My words just came out that way. 

After graduating high school, while packing to move from home to university, my eye caught my kindergarten teacher’s file on me. I flipped through it. Astonishingly, the teacher’s notes described month after month her concerns that I seemed slow to make friends, seldom spoke and sounded hardly audible when I did. I never realized kindergarten-me troubled her. 

While in Catholic elementary school, a friend and I maybe a few times per month attended a separate speech class from our classmates. Among our activities there, we sometimes played “Uno” and “Go Fish”—games I now adapt to teach English here in Mongolia (though “uno” is a Spanish word, hehe).

Before the first of those years of sessions began, my entire class underwent phonics testing. I’ll never forget this particular moment. The tester raised cards with a picture and asked me to name objects. I saw a small box with a screen and button grid. “Cell-a-phone,” I spoke with certainty. 

I felt frustrated, then, when the card-holder asked me to repeat, insisting I was wrong. Finally, I said “cell phone” as she said, not, “cell-a-phone.” But I didn’t understand. Later, I later, that phonics person was correct. So I felt betrayed by my mother, who taught me wrong. 

Mother read aloud to me, while I was in kindergarten and first grade. She sometimes pronounced words differently than I heard at school. I felt grumpy wondering, who could I trust? Elementary school or Mom?

As I later learned in high school and came to understand after Mother’s death, her career as an English professor let her to immigrate to America from China. So, teaching English surely mattered to her personally. She taught her second language to me to learn my first.

My Pronunciation Improved

From late middle school into high school, I wore braces. I realized my speaking problems associated with my teeth. After braces, sounds like /s/ and /th/ became easier. I recalled that elementary school tutor had drilled me on those sounds, plus /sh/, /ch/ and /j/.

At university, while singing four years in choir, I learned to articulate to help convey emotion in music. Similarly, I realized articulation helped convey emotion in speeches to bring clarity. These took vocal warm-ups, as we did in my senior storytelling course.

But, in China last summer, I learned my Chinese pronunciation was terrible. I started new regimens, like using only audio recordings to communicate instead of writing messages. I also learned to listen for exactly the right sounds. And despite my poor tonal pronunciation, instructors commended my listening. I could transcribe the right pīnyīn, for even unfamiliar words. 

As a Chinese instructor now, though I, too, at times struggle to pronounce words from memory, I can recognize almost at once when I hear an off sound. For, I know how it should sound. My Chinese-instructing colleagues even notice I speak alright. I’ve come a long way.

Instructing English With Compassion

These memories lead to why, when I teach pronunciation, I give the benefit of the doubt that students aren’t trying to mumble, even when they seem to. I focus on asking students to speak louder and move their lips more. I focus on visual articulation, too, so I can see how they form sounds.

One of my university colleagues specializes in pronunciation and amazes me by how well she knows the phonetic alphabet. When I clarify pronunciations for her, she notes in phonetic letters. We bleat about English’s inconsistent phonetics sometimes, haha. 

Yet, learning phonetics helps me plenty. When I catch multiple students speaking the same error, I write a series of words to course-correct. For examples, to drill, “brown,” I might write, “crown, round, down.” Or, to drill, “orange,” I might write, “or, door, floor.” I link troublesome vowels to familiar ones. 

Curiously, the Mongolian language lacks the /ə/ sound, one I often spell as “uh.” I first noticed the missing sound while teaching Chinese, when my students struggled to pronounce the most basic question, “什么？(Shénme?).” It has /ə/ (or /uh/) in its second character. Thus, students misprounounced “么 /muh/” as /meh/, instead. This Mongolian lack of /ə/ makes authentic pronunciation of basic English words like articles “the” and “a” challenging. 

Still, my fixation on pronunciation has its fun. Apparently this trickles into my Mongolian! Lately, I find my students gleefully giggle with amazement when, as we might be walking and chatting together, they hear me slip briefly into Mongolian to say passing pleasantries to employees or locals I know speak no English. My students often insist I sound authentic and beautiful. And I assume there’s hyperbole in those. But my colleagues, too, have said I’ve improved. They’ve no doubt I’ll speak wonderfully by this time next year. More on this at the end.

Pets! Kitten and Puppy

During my Peace Corps service I watched in the capital, Ерөө /Yeröö/, the kitten of one Volunteer, and in my current city, Azzy, the puppy of another. I saw myself in those pets. 

I mentioned we Peace Corps Volunteers played, “The Shining,” for Halloween. As the film began, we Volunteers exchanged smirks when the mountain lodge’s owner explained concerns about fears of isolation during the harsh, trying winters. We sat through such talks about choosing to serve in Mongolia. But the film’s symbolism, about confronting our psyches in the mirror of isolation, felt fitting to me. 

Many Mongolians fear dogs. Dogs are protectors not companions, for many. In the States, even my mother feared dogs. In fact, we had two pet dogs. I feared them a bit, too. When my parents went walking with my siblings and I, neighbors’ dogs would run up beside the road and yap at us. But Dad would always laugh and yap back, teasing Mom about how they just wanted to play. I remembered those walks even throughout college, when I strolled neighborhoods and heard barking. They gave me peace. And whenever I visited friends’ houses, their dogs most always loved me for reasons I never knew.

Azzy the puppy he would weave around my legs or leap up and cling to me momentarily, when I visited to feed him. He seemed so lonely without me. Then he would hop down, zoom around at my feet and scamper to a corner of the room. He freaked out over the simplest things, too, haha. But one morning, after his owner had come back, while I was walking into the city, Azzy zoomed to me and accompanied me from the area where we live, all the way downtown. I felt surprised, though I appreciative.

Ерөө the kitten had fun darting about our hotel room, zooming with wide eyes at light speed to achieve nothing particular. And she would flick her paws at the jingling toy I dangled, while she lept from table to chair. And, when I was journaling a little, Ерөө would hop on the bed, then leap to the desk and plop on my arm. I would pick the kitten up by her middle and set her on the floor, then she would zoom back to me again. I loved her energy, even if she seemed a little too hyper, hehe.

The pets were ecstatic for me to visit. I considered my own longings for companionship. But pets are relationships that take responsibility. And I’m hardly certain I could commit. Still, maybe because I accept others, they come. Maybe that’s all there is to it. They don’t just want love. They want to love. How sweet.

I’m glad our Peace Corps Mongolia director allows pets. They let my energetic soul see itself in the crazy creatures. Such joys, even for the effort!

All Saints’ and All Souls’ Days

The second and third day after Hallowe’en, in the Catholic tradition, celebrate first, “All Hallows,” the Saints and holy ones, living and had lived. Then we celebrate, “All Souls,” all who have passed away. The triduum has always been difficult for me the past three years, since they inevitably return to mind my loneliness since Mom’s death. 

But this year was kind, for people asked me how I was doing when they greeted me. I also remembered to pray for my friends who’d lost close family. In my suffering, I remember my chance to heal others. At Mass on the last day, while others lit incense sticks for relatives, I lit one for Mother. I burned my finger. But I liked the sting. It reminded me I live. Hearing the readings of how we’re always surrounded by the saints and how the teachings assure that none of us can compare this life to the next, I felt consoled, these holy days. By the end, I’d attended Mass five days in a row! Woah.

Nowadays’ Love

I like the compliments from colleagues, students and friends that my Mongolian pronunciation’s rather good. And I know it can still be better. But they gives me great hope. My students can improve, as I have.

In our Toastmasters Club, I’ve been assigned weekly as Grammarian, tasked with correcting pronunciation for all speakers. They’re so grateful I come, and I’m so glad to help. 

I recently spoke on the topic of how I chose this English teaching profession, while chatting with my senior students to prepare them for their TOEFL exams.

I recounted how Mother was an English professor and her parents were both secondary school Chinese language teachers. And it struck me how I teach both English and Chinese at both university and secondary school levels. I teach everything those two generations before me had done.

Whether children from Номгон, adults from our community speaking clubs, or new friends from the orphanage, I love the little messages I get from locals striving to improve their English. And, sometimes, those many Mongolians striving in their English remind me of Mom. She always strove. Even before I became an English instructor like her, I helped her. Maybe that’s why I aid anyone trying in English, always. They’re her.

 Up Next: Thanksgiving and the Orphanage

I am extremely excited to share with you my next story, for it’s about the orphanage. I adore its community. Our children and teachers touch my soul.

As for the puppy, it’ll be a shame to say goodbye when he moves to the capital by Thanksgiving. But perhaps I’ll see him again when I visit the city sometimes! 

Meanwhile, check my Instagram at memoryLang and Facebook for this year’s Thanksgiving novena of photos and memories bridging my summer life to today’s.

You can read more from me here at DanielLang.me :) 

[robert-c]

Big Business vs Small Business

I admit to having a love/hate relationship with both sides of this title. 

The Big Business can accomplish things through economies of scale that are completely unthinkable to the small business. Its command of capital makes virtually all significant research and discovery possible because investing in the unknown is both risky and costly, even if the payoff (admittedly most often a long shot) can be huge.

However, Big Businesses tend to be overly conservative, as in risk avoidance. The momentum of what has worked for them in the past tends to blind management from thinking of something new. The people who rise to the top in such a business tend to be unimaginative, status quo keepers. Right up until bankruptcy, the argument that following what we know has been true in the past always seems to make more sense, because it appears to be less risky and in some minds “more prudent”.

While Big Businesses often do get away with treating their employees unfairly, they are the easier to force into compliance with regulations and laws due to their public profile as long as others are willing to make a concerted effort at exposing their illegal behavior. (And as long as the mindless, blind faith believers in the goodness of big business don’t make too much of an impact.)

Small Businesses are the soul of invention and creation. They are often captained by people whose vision was ignored by their former big business employers. Their close contact with their employees, who make their business successful, gives them a chance to ensure their vision is implemented correctly. This contact usually (but alas not always) makes them willing to treat their employees as well as the business can afford. Unfortunately without the resources of the big business, wages and benefits typically suffer by comparison to the larger organization.

At the same time, by virtue of their size, they are often exempt from many regulations put in place to protect applicants and employees from discrimination and to provide minimal employee benefits. Because the Small Business is typically totally owned by a single individual, or family, there are little to no checks and balances to protect against the failings of the owner. The confidence to strike out on one’s own is a rare and special quality; which sometimes can lead to arrogant and egotistical behavior that ignores or discounts the contributions of others, and blocks consideration of any idea or advice that doesn’t originate in their own head. Worse still is the thought that their employees should feel honored and consider it a privilege to help the owner achieve their dreams. All too often they treat the personal lives of employees as if they were somehow under the control of the business because of the presumption that they might reflect poorly on the owner.

I’ve seen some Big Businesses try to act like the small ones. A charismatic CEO seeks to impose his vision on the whole organization and talks the talk of all employees having a stake in the business and the authority to do their jobs as if they “owned the business”. But in practice, the ideas flow only from the top down, others never make it up the chain, and employees soon realize that they can act as if they owned the business only so long as they can successfully act like the CEO would in each case. Not surprisingly, few employees choose to risk their jobs on their ability to “read the mind” of the boss.

While I doubt any Big Business has really managed to capture the nimbleness and commitment of the best of the small businesses, I’m willing to admit to the possibility. At the same time I would be more suspicious the more the business tries to advertise itself that way. Because committing resources to image making is exactly the sort of thing a Big Business can afford to do much more easily than actually becoming that sort of entity.

In my consulting career I had hoped to help Small Businesses by giving them the tools and expertise of the large businesses at rates they could afford. It was my hope and belief that the innovation and enthusiasm of the Small Business coupled with the techniques of the big business could make them even more successful. It was to be the validation of the free enterprise system’s competition mythos beating the power of moneyed big business. Though I had some successes, I discovered that there were a lot more of the Small Businesses that were just the tiny fiefdoms of petty tyrants than there were those who understood the value of consistent policies and procedures.

So here I am, at the end of a long career of trying to be professional and fair and encourage better practices for businesses of all sizes. The harshest lesson I have learned is that egotistical and greedy people out for power and/or money seem to dominate too many of the roles in businesses (big and small) and that it is only law, regulation and vigilance that keeps them from even more disastrous cutting of corners on safety, quality and basic human decency. It isn’t just the decision makers and their cheerleaders who are to blame. It’s also all of the rest of us who fail to realize that “capitalism” can be the incentive for this sort of anti-social behavior, and that even at its very best, it is biased in favor of short term results.

When touting the successes of capitalism let’s not overlook the role public incentive played in some of our greatest and most important developments.

A transcontinental railway, that knitted together a diverse and far flung country, bringing goods from one coast to the other much more rapidly, and spurring all sorts of businesses. Who knows when such an effort would have been completed without land grants to the railroads. In a purely “free market” the payoff would have seemed far off and hard to control especially since so many other businesses (and the people) could potentially benefit from the effort.

The Federal promotion of the Interstate highway system (as a grander follow up to establishment of “US” highways) certainly gave the automotive industry quite a boost; as well as trucking companies, providing viable competition to rail.

The space program and the race to the moon may have been born of a cold war rivalry and image grandstanding, but the innovations engendered by that program kicked computers, satellites and a whole host of technologies into high gear and rapid development. Even beyond the electronics, materials science benefited from the seeds planted in the early research to achieve these goals.

I’m happy when businesses, large or small, can make improvements in the cost or range of options (while keeping the quality) of any good or service. But I’m also mindful that in addition to sometimes needing a boost to move in the right direction, they also sometimes need a brick wall to stop them from moving in another.

Call me whatever name makes you feel comfortable (socialist, communist, etc.); it will only underline your ignorance of their definitions. I am not now, and never will be again, a devotee of laissez faire capitalism. I believe it works best when it is regulated to enforce some consideration for the general welfare and safety of the consumers and employees who actually make a business a success. It succeeds in its promise of a better life and opportunity for all where there are legal disincentives to counter the very real financial incentives to “do it on the cheap”, to play fast and loose with the truth, etc. The excuse of profit cannot be an unimpeachable defense for every decision. As much as we all like to imagine ourselves as powerful individuals, free to act as we wish, perhaps to one day be a “billionaire”, I think it’s time to temper that image with one that is a bit more realistic; one where we acknowledge that almost nothing is accomplished by someone truly on their own and alone, unconnected to others.

Even the “pulp fiction” of the nineteenth century that glorified the possibility of rising to success from humble beginnings recognized “luck” as a factor, (e.g. Horatio Alger’s “Luck and Pluck” among others). So even the myth-makers of this rags to riches version of capitalism acknowledged that other factors had to be in play, beyond hard work and good ideas.

So big business or small there are challenges to do it right.

If you are a Big Business, instead of seeking to be seen as an “employer of choice”, BE that employer. Walk the talk of employees being able to do the right thing for customers on their own decision. Respect the ideas of the professionals who work for the company when they have ideas or reservations about managements’ ideas. Instead of meetings where all we hear about are the grand plans of the executive council, how about basic education about the business and solicitation of ideas about strategies going forward? WHEN these ideas are gathered and evaluated management can come back with a meeting about executive plans with clear answers to why this path was selected over others. NOW with everyone understanding the plan they will be in a better position to support it with their own decisions. And since none of these decisions can be made perfectly, perhaps (humbling as it may seem) management should establish and communicate the criteria which will mean the current strategy has failed and open the discussion up to a new approach. Despite the apparent awkwardness of such an idea, it is a whole lot better than the pretense that nothing has gone wrong, which fools no one you would really want working for you.

If you are a Small Business you may already enjoy the benefit of everyone understanding what the business is about and what needs to be done to succeed. What you need to be mindful of is the lack of attentiveness to ideas from any level of the staff as well as inconsistencies in policies and pay that reflect personal biases.

It truly is my fervent hope that all businesses will be successful by doing the right things by their employees and customers. When they don’t, I consider it a failing of our cultural morality as well as a failure of regulation and law.

[gadgetsrevv]

Euro 2020 qualifiers: 10 things to look out for | Football

1) All eyes on fans in Prague

In what looks certain to resemble the world’s most unedifying stag party, an estimated 6,000 England fans will descend on Prague to watch Gareth Southgate’s team take on the Czech Republic. Unsurprisingly designated as a “high risk” fixture, this Friday night game will attract no shortage of thirsty visitors to the Czech capital, hellbent on making a weekend of it in a city renowned for the cheapness of its beer and myriad other nocturnal delights. Scheduled to kick off at 8.45pm local time, when more patriotic fans will have had all day to occupy the city’s Old Town Square, get liquored up and perform their traditional repertoire of ditties, it is difficult to imagine the local constabulary will be kept idle following Uefa’s refusal to move the game to a more suitable day or time. While many England fans are perfectly well-behaved, anti-social behaviour of the kind seen in Amsterdam and Porto on recent excursions seems dismally inevitable. “You’re part of our team, make the country proud,” said Gareth Southgate, in the FA’s attempt to get in front of the problem by releasing a video entitled Don’t Be That Idiot. Somebody will almost certainly be that idiot and, if recent history tells us anything, they are unlikely to be alone. BG

• Czech Republic v England, 7.45pm Friday (all times BST)

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2) Is Connolly the solution to Ireland’s scoring problems?

Mick McCarthy’s second coming as Republic of Ireland manager got going in earnest in March when his team played with impressive vibrancy at home to Georgia, though they only won 1-0. Goals, you see, remain extremely hard to come by for Ireland. But a solution may have emerged: Brighton’s Aaron Connolly, fresh from scoring twice against Spurs last weekend, could make his senior international debut in Tblisi on Saturday. If he shows the same sharpness that he did against Tottenham, then Ireland could take a big step towards Euro 2020 qualification, and young Connolly will be hearing more of that ‘new Robbie Keane’ talk. PD

• Georgia v Ireland, 2pm Saturday

3) Ramsey injury may force tactical change on Giggs

Anything less than a haul of four points from games at Slovakia and at home against Croatia over the coming days is likely to end any chance Wales have of qualifying for Euro 2020, although they could still be thrown a lifeline via the Nations League. Suffering from discomfort to his adductor, Aaron Ramsey, arguably a more important player for the Welsh than even Gareth Bale, is out of the Slovakia game. Ryan Giggs could be forced into a tactical change and the thinking by Danny Gabbidon and Iwan Roberts on Elis James’s Feast Of Football podcast was that Giggs needs to avoid playing the brand of expansive football he prefers in charge of making his team more difficult to beat. With this in mind, playing five at the back with two midfielders sitting directly in front of them was mooted as a potential solution. Whatever Giggs decides, a very talented generation of Welsh players is in danger of being wasted and the results of the next two games could have a major say in the future of a young manager who has been far from convincing during his tenure so far. BG

• Slovakia v Wales, 7.45pm Thursday

Gareth Bale at Wales training in Cardiff, in the runup to the match in Slovakia. Photograph: Athena Pictures/Getty Images

4) Endangered Iceland should fear Ben Yedder

Darlings of the last European Championship, Iceland need to pull out some big results if they are to reach Euro 2020. They are third in Group H, behind an exciting young Turkey team and France, who thrashed them 4-0 earlier in the group. On Friday they host Les Bleus, who will be without the injured Paul Pogba and Kylian Mbappé but still have no shortage of options. Didier Deschamps could, for instance, use Mbappé’s absence to give Wissam Ben Yedder his most meaningful cap to date. The striker, who joined Monaco in the summer and has been as prolific there as he was at all his previous clubs, has had to wait a long time for international recognition but, at 29, he is still young enough and good enough to make an impact. He would boost his chances of appearing in an international tournament if he helps France beat Iceland on Friday and Turkey three days later. PD

• Iceland v France, 7.45pm Friday

5) Another toothless performance from Scotland?

While Scotland’s rugby players scored 61 without reply against Russia at the Rugby World Cup, their footballing counterparts would gladly settle for victory by a far slimmer margin when they are entertained in Moscow on Thursday. Scotland trail Russia, who are second in Group I behind Belgium, by nine points with four games remaining and their hopes of qualifying via any other route than the play-off place they earned through the Nations League have evaporated. In Ryan Fraser, John McGinn, Andy Robertson, Scott McTominay and John Fleck Scotland have decent players, but their inability to score goals remains aconcern. The six forward players picked by Steve Clarke squad have just eight international goals between them and urgently need to improve that tally ahead of those play-offs so many Scottish hopes are pinned on. BG

• Russia v Scotland, 7.45pm Thursday

John McGinn holds off Ryan Fraser during Scotland training before the match in Russia. Photograph: Ian MacNicol/Getty Images

6) O’Neill’s rock-hard run-in starts in Netherlands

Second behind Germany in a group that also contains the Netherlands, Northern Ireland’s remaining fixtures in Group C could scarcely be more difficult. Following their trip to Amsterdam they travel to the Czech Republic for a friendly, before completing their qualifiers against the Dutch at home and Germany away in November. Michael O’Neill will have to make do without Norwich left-back Jamal Lewis, who has pulled out with a knee injury, but the manager remains upbeat about his team’s chances of doing enough in successive qualifiers against the Netherlands to not have to concern himself with a potential route to the finals through the Nations League play-offs. “We are in a double-header with Holland and I believe if we get four points we will qualify,” he said. Having made his first international start in defeat against Germany last time out, Linfield striker Shayne Lavery could be the manplaying up front faced with a defence marshalled by Virgil van Dijk, as O’Neill has hinted the 20-year-old’s pace and intelligence could be a key weapon in a battle against one of the world’s best defenders. BG

• Netherlands v Northern Ireland, 7.45pm Thursday

7) Switzerland need to find the right side of late dramas

Switzerland could have already secured their qualification for Euro 2020, instead they are set for a tense finale in Group D: and they have not coped well with tense finales so far. In their first match, at home to Denmark, they blew a three-goal lead in the last six minutes; and in their last outing, in the Republic of Ireland, they looked comfortable before conceding an 85th-minute equaliser and hanging on for a point. They face those two countries again in the next few days, starting with a trip to Copenhagen on Saturday. Xherdan Shaqiri has chosen to remain in international exile but manager Vladimir Petkovic has recalled Stephan Lichtsteiner after omitting him for the trip to Dublin. Apparently he values the 35-year-old’s experience. “He is still our captain and leader,” said Petkovic of the Augsburg defender, without saying whether Lichtsteiner will actually play. PD

• Denmark v Switzerland, 5pm Saturday

8) Crunch time for Finland to break drought

Finland have never qualified for a major tournament. It’s somewhat of an annoyance for a nation of over five million people who gave football the supremely talented Jari Litmanen. Even tiny Iceland have beaten them to the punch. But having assumed a strong position in Group J – they’re second behind Italy – they will never have a better chance of enjoying a summer party themselves. Markku Kanerva’s side have won four and lost two (both to Italy) but now it’s crunch time. They face Bosnia-Herzegovina and Armenia next, the two teams directly below them. They travel to the Bilino Polje Stadium in Bosnia-Herzegovina on Saturday. With Norwich’s in-form Teemu Pukki leading the line, Kanerva’s compact system is well set up to pick off their inconsistent opponents on the break. Finland have not conceded a goal against any team except Italy and Pukki has been just as lethal in qualifying as he has in the Premier League, scoring five in his last six. If he can continue his hot streak over the next few days, Finland’s long wait for some summer fun could soon be over. GB

• Bosnia-Herzegovina v Finland, 5pm Saturday

Finland’s Teemu Pukki has scored five times in his last six matches. Photograph: Markku Ulander/AFP/Getty Images

9) Can Hungary capitalise against inconsistent Croatia?

Going into their game against Slovakia last time out, Hungary were pretty much two wins from Euro 2020. Now, after a 2-1 loss, qualification from Group E looks unlikely. Hungary did beat a sluggish Croatia in Budapest in their previous group encounter, and looked impressive in doing so. But with Hungary distinctly lacking in individual quality, it’s the sum of their parts that makes this Hungarian apparatus tick. And when two or three of those parts falter, the whole machine malfunctions, as evidenced against Slovakia. Things don’t look like changing in Croatia either, with very few of Hungary’s key men finding any kind of form at club level this season. Yet Hungary are an odd side full of players unheard of in western Europe, but who are prone to big performances in big games. Croatia are massive favourites, but Hungary have refound a quality of turning up when it matters most under Italian coach Marco Rossi. And with Croatia looking decidedly inconsistent since the World Cup, maybe this isn’t as improbable as first thought. TM

• Croatia v Hungary, 7.45pm Thursday

10) Andorra aim to – finally – end long losing streak

Andorra have played 55 European Championship qualifiers and lost 55 European Championship qualifiers. It’s not pretty but maybe, just maybe, the tiny principality (population 76,965) could end that ugly losing streak against Moldova at home. Their visitors are the one nation that have a worse defensive record than them, having shipped 17 goals in six Group H qualifiers to Andorra’s 14. Moldova have managed to win once, 1-0 at home against Andorra, but if ever there was a chance for Koldo Álvarez to take a point – or even three – in a Euro qualifier, it is at the Estadi Nacional on Friday night. It would help if they could score a goal, mind. They haven’t managed that in six Euro 2020 qualifiers but even a 0-0 draw would be enough to make history. GB

• Andorra v Moldova, 7.45pm Friday

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Top 20 Albums of 2017

Another year; another top albums list! I was both eager and hesitant to start off 2017, but I trusted that music would be the only thing that got me through the year - and for the most part, it did. 2017 was a pretty eventful year and the music was no exception. There were a ton of anticipated releases from some of the biggest artists and some very strong debuts - even though, aside from Kendrick Lamar's DAMN. there was no clear blockbuster. Here is the list of my favorite albums to come out of 2017.

20. Incubus - 8

Incubus has been a staple  in my musical journey for many years, but by the time the band got to 7th album, If Not Now, When?, Incubus sounded nothing like the band who burst on the scene in 1997 with S.C.I.E.N.C.E. - they sounded old and tired. 8 doesn't necessarily sound like the band who gave us classics like 'Pardon Me,' 'Drive', or 'A Certain Shade of Green', but Incubus did come back from their hiatus sounding excited, inspired and fresh. A happy return.

Check out: 'State of the Art'

 19. Eidola - To Speak, To Listen

I was introduced to Eidola's To Speak, To Listen from a new blog that I'd discovered over the spring. I'm embarrassingly ignorant of the many different sub-genres that Eidola might be categorized under - but I do know when I hear something that I like. To Speak, To Listen is one of those albums that sounds fresh no matter how many times you listen to it, because there's always something new to discover. I've been spinning it for the better part of the year and I still don't know it like I know the back of my hand. The album has recently been released in its instrumental form. A stunning album from start to finish.

Check out: 'Tetelestai'.

 18. Sampha - Process

When Sampha released his breakthrough album, Process, I was feeling pretty vulnerable as I'm pretty sure a lot of people were feeling in the earlier months of 2017. I was looking for something that I could really relate to, emotionally. I latched onto Process because of its honesty of family, friends and ultimate love of music. 'Kora Sings' and '(No One Knows Me) Like the Piano' take me back to being in my room all day and recording my little 'albums' on a boombox. Sampha's voice is a breath of fresh air from a lot of the other voices clouding up the airwaves. Process is a fantastic debut.

Check out: '(No One Knows Me) Like the Piano'

 17. Lindsey Buckingham/Christine McVie

I wasn't too excited for the release of this collaborative effort between Lindsey Buckingham and Christine McVie. First, because Christine McVie was finally back in the band and yet Stevie Nicks just couldn't be bothered to make a new Fleetwood Mac album because she's supposedly focusing on a new album and touring - again. So, while we have hundreds of iconic artists dropping like flies, we have to hope no one passes from the most successful line-ups of Fleetwood Mac and wait for another album. I also think it's stupid that they can release a Fleetwood Mac album if it's just Lindsey and Stevie - but not Lindsey and Christine?!? Secondly, I wasn't too impressed with first single, 'In My World'. However, Lindsey Buckingham/Christine McVie proved to be one of the most surprisingly enjoyable albums of 2017. It may be a bit too much of a Buckingham project, but McVie (who was always the sweet balance to Buckingham and Nicks) shines through. Although there is nothing groundbreaking (when you create albums like Rumours and Tusk, do you really need to prove anything?) Buckingham/McVie feels like visiting old friends. 

Check out: 'Red Sun'

16. Beth Ditto - Fake Sugar

Beth Ditto's Fake Sugar was a largely overlooked album this year - but it's a gem. Ditto says that this is her 'Southern album' - largely inspired by the music she listened to growing up. Fake Sugar's hooks and sweeping sonic palate is impressive for The Gossip front-woman's first solo effort. With bops like, 'In and Out' and 'We Can Run', it's a shame that Fake Sugar got pushed under the rug.

Check out: 'We Can Run'

 15. Dreamcar - Dreamcar

The self-titled debut from super-ground Dreamcar (No Doubt minus Gwen Stefani and AFI's Davey Havoc) was the soundtrack to our summer. Dreamcar's appeal is that it is a low-stakes album and the band have no shame in creating some of the best '80s inspired hooks since Duran Duran's Rio. First single, 'Kill for Candy' should have been a sleeper summer hit - but alas, that went to 'Despacito' and Charlie Puth.

Check out: 'Kill for Candy'

14. Tyler The Creator - Flowerboy

Flower Boy was not on my 'anticipated release' radar, but I really respect Tyler The Creator's honesty throughout the album. Over the course the album, Tyler gets to the core of his isolation as he comes face to face with what has molded him in the man he is today. He spews wisdom to younger generations while taking his own advice and finally lets himself shine. Flower Boy is a lot more complicated than its surface suggests, but as the album continues it is evident that Tyler has found the perfect balance.

Check out: 'Where This Flower Blooms'

13. Beck - Colors

Colors was one of the most highly anticipated releases in 2017.  When Beck took home the Grammy for Album of the Year with his album, Morning Phase, I was just as shocked as everyone else - mostly because I didn't even know that he was still making relevant music. When 'Dreams' was released as the lead single in 2015, I was really excited to hear more! Who knew we'd have to wait until the fall of 2017 for a full album?!?!

Colors is not a perfect album - although it did meet my expectations. The album suffers from being inconsistent and the first batch of songs fail to really keep the listener's attention. The better material is found on the album's B-Side where Beck shows off his pop hook chops without shame. It may not be his most consistent album, but he's never sounded happier.

Check out: 'Up All Night'

12. The War on Drugs - A Deeper Understanding

Another hotly anticipated album of 2017 was The War on Drugs' A Deeper Understanding - and it did not disappoint. When the 11-minute lead single, 'Thinking of a Place' was released in early 2017, I was thrilled because 2014's Lost in the Dream was one of my Top 5 favorite albums of that year. On A Deeper Understanding, Adam Granduciel and Co. refuse to dial back on their major-label debut and offer the ultimate Los Angeles album. The only reason that A Deeper Understanding doesn't rank higher on this list, is because A Deeper Understanding expands the  sound found on Lost in the Dream - making the sound feel more like home instead of something fresh and new.

Check out: 'Holding On'

 11. Linkin Park - One More Light

I understand if anyone wants to argue if wants to quit reading about my musical opinions after seeing One More Light on this list. First off, I don't think it's a perfect album - it's arguably the laughing stock of Linkin Park's catalog. However, once you get over the simplistic pop sheen and structure - it's not half as bad as it sounds on paper. When you take into account that these were the last songs to be released by Chester Bennington, they become a lot more real. What made Linkin Park one of my favorite band's is that Chester was a voice for those of us who felt we couldn't scream, shout or cry out.  He made it acceptable for male rock singers to emote. 

One More Light is on this list because after you strip away its pop sensibilities, it is Linkin Park through and through. It's flaws make it only better over time.

Check out: ' Talking to Myself'

 10. St. Vincent - MASSEDUCTION

MASSEDUCTION is the closest to pop as you're going to get from St. Vincent. Although the indie-songstress had toyed with pop hooks on her 2015 self-titled album, Annie Clarke went balls-to-the-wall pop when she stuck model Charlotte Kohl's ass, clad in bubble-gum pink tights on her album cover. Everything screamed Pop, with a capital P, in anticipation for MASSEDUTION. The truth is - St. Vincent does what she does best with a more pop-leaning sound. It's not completely pop in the same way that Beck went pop on Colors, but it's just pop enough that you know Taylor Swift is going to steal it for the masses to eat up on her next album.

Check out: "New York"

9. Silverstein - Dead Reflection

There's nothing more depressing than seeing a band beating a dead horse. Thankfully, Silverstein isn't one of those bands!  Aside from a few albums, I never kept up with Silverstein's career and only stumbled upon Dead Reflection from the hype on various music blogs. What I discovered was yet another reason why my-scene-was-so-much-better-than-yours for all of the younger music fans who are infatuated with the new 'scene' bands (Yes, I'm arrogant about my emo bands).  Scene wars aside - Dead Reflection is an impressive album from a band who can still pull a few new fans. It's also one of their strongest efforts - you can tell that Shane Told poured his heart and soul into every lyric. There are also more pop hooks abound, making Dead Reflection the perfect companion to their sophomore album, Discovering the Waterfront. 

Check out: 'Lost Positives'

 8. LP - Lost on You

I was absolutely thrilled that LP was releasing full-length album, Lost on You, this year. I had no idea that the album had already been released in 2016 everywhere else except the US. Imagine my surprise that the song, 'Lost on You' had become a global hit everywhere except The States! That's no surprise though. 

I fell in love with LP's last album, Forever for Now, so much that it depressed me that I had no one else to celebrate LP's music with, because no one knew who she was. I am so happy that LP has had success all over the world because her music is so deserving of success. 

If there was one downfall with Forever for Now, it was that the sound and LP's unique vocals were constantly battling for room - and it was a bit overwhelming at times. Lost on You sheds that big sound allowing LP to branch out with different sounds while still keeping her pop sensibilities at her core. The album's center is 'Lost on You', and while there are multiple standout tracks along the way - nothing really tops the successful worldwide single.

Check out: 'Lost on You'

 7. Lorde - Melodrama

Lorde had a lot to prove with Melodrama. Her debut album, Pure Heroine, not only made her a superstar, but also helped the songstress win a multitude of awards at the young age of 17 - making her one of the most promising artists since Adele. That's a lot to live up to. She's supposedly also good friends with Taylor Swift - so everyone is constantly comparing them and while Swift continues to break sale records, Lorde's Melodrama proves that she's yards ahead of her peers. Instead of getting super experimental, Lorde settles her analysis of the drama within a single house party - what else is a 21 year-old really supposed to be worrying about? There are tiny missteps along the way ('Hard Feelings/Loveless') but no complete stumbles on the album. From start to finish, Melodrama more than lives up to Lorde's promises.

Check out: 'Green Light'

 6. Paramore - After Laughter

There was nothing more awkward than Paramore's out-of-thin-air video for lead-single, 'Hard Times'. Here was pint sized Hayley Williams singing about dark clouds and sadness over music that has never sounded more jolly and happy. I had very little expectation for After Laughter, because there are only so many line-up changes a band can have before they become a figment of the band that they originally were (The Motels, anyone?). But, I can honestly say - although Paramore sound nothing like the teens who gave us All We Know is Falling - After Laughter blew me away because it was the music that I really needed to hear at the time.

America - we've been through some shit recently, and 2017 was unbearable, at times. After Laughter is a whirlwind of depression, anger and forgiveness. Everything that I was basically feeling in 2017. I couldn't hang on to the bad - I had to acknowledge it and then let it go in order to move forward. After Laughter was the perfect soundtrack for that. I don't know what kind of demons Hayley Williams had to get out of her system - but I'm glad she did.

Check out: 'Told You So'

 5. Kendrick Lamar - DAMN.

I love DAMN.

It's an album that I really had to wrestle with all year. But, I had to do that with his last album, To Pimp a Butterfly, as well. The best music isn't always something that instantly fall in love with. It's the music that opens itself up to you the more that you spend time with it. Lamar explores his role as celebrity while trying to stay grounded and true to himself on an album that can be interpreted in different ways; it's a completely different album if you listen to it from finish to start. What I take away from DAMN. it's that whenever rap music genuinely touches music listeners and the artist tries to use their platform for 'good' - there are always people trying to pull them down by using the same bullshit they've been spewing for years about rap and hip-hop being a bad role model for younger listeners. I've never been the biggest rap/hip-hop fan, but I know how to stop and listen to what is really being told to me. 

For a year with no clear Blockbuster album - DAMN. is more than deserving of that title.

Check out: 'DNA'

 4. SZA - CTRL

Hands down, 2017's most important breakout artist is SZA.

SZA begins CTRL informing her negligent boyfriend that she slept with his best friend on Valentine's Day. Elsewhere, SZA touches on the loneliness and utter despair of being the unwanted woman - in a way that other artists could not deliver this year. Never before, has the exploration of modern love sounded so groundbreaking and fresh. SZA is an important artist to keep your eye on because she has been bubbling under the surface for years. It's hard for me not to believe that much of the sound of Rihanna's ANTI was largely inspired by SZA.

Check out: 'Love Galore'

 3. Acceptance - Colliding by Design

No one told me that Acceptance's Phantoms was such a beloved classic in the pop/emo music world. I remember the album very well - I loved it, but then they broke up. I may have heard that they got back together for a reunion tour but I had no idea they had recorded a new album when I saw Colliding by Design under the Spotify new releases tab - but I'm so glad that I decided to check it out.

Colliding by Design never left my rotation this year. While it is a re-introduction to a band that I really enjoyed when I was 20 years-old, it was also a testament to how much our lives change in any amount of time. Colliding by Design felt like catching up with friends I hadn't seen in twelve years and finding that their stories were my stories as well. Here's to new beginnings!...and put Phantoms on vinyl!

Check out: 'Come Closer'

 2. The xx - I See You

I See You was the first great album of the year - if not one of the first big albums to be released in 2017.  I've never been a big fan of The xx - but I was really intrigued with first single, 'On Hold.' Jamie xx really gives the band new life by finally coming to the forefront of the mix alongside his band mates. I See You is an album that I've enjoyed all year, as well. It was an album that I could put down at times and revisit whenever I was overplaying some other artist or album. I'm actually very surprised that it hasn't charted higher on other 'Best of 2017' lists. I think it's The xx's strongest album by far.

Check out: 'I Dare You

 1. Manchester Orchestra - A Black Mile to The Surface

No opening line to an album has haunted me more than: 'I notice you when you're noticing me'.  Manchester Orchestra's A Black Mile to the Surface is my choice for top album of 2017 because - to me - it's an honest look at the terrors and joys of marriage and fatherhood. With its vulnerably honest lyrics and cinematic sonic landscape, A Black Mile to the Surface is breathtaking and beautiful.

Opening song, 'The Maze' brilliantly analyzes the parent/child relationship and how each is 'a maze' to the other. I was a stay-at-home dad for 2 years, and there is nothing more frightening than realizing that your child picks up on every little thing that you do, whether you realize it or not - and your behavior shapes them. What makes the song more brilliant is that most of the lyrics could be from the perspective of the child or the parent.

At its core, A Black Mile to the Surface is a great analysis of relationships and how, as you get older; as you become a husband/wife/partner or parent - you realize how important all of these relationships are - how you must prioritize them; nurture them. Once I became a parent, I realized how precious time really is - and how your words, actions and the work you put into those relationships truly affect the people in them. 

There is a re-occurring line that pops up in different songs, 'There's nothing I've got, when I die, that I keep' - and as selfish as we find ourselves, that's a very important lesson to learn in life. The materialistic things that we have; that we acquire throughout life - cannot go with us when we die. How we treat each other; the relationships that we build and nurture throughout our lives - that's what lives on. That's what people remember.

Check out: 'The Gold'

I created a playlist of all the tracks that's I've recommended from each album. Enjoy! HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!