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teaplease1717 · 4 years

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Ashes of Love and War - Ch 9

Art by the amazing @rennomiya

Story: Ashes of Love and War

Chapter: 9 / ?

Couple: Todoroki Shouto / Yaoyorozu Momo (TodoMomo)

Rating: M (for language and violence)

Betas: @flourchildwrites (Link) & C’s Melody (Link) and 666-HyuugaNeji-999 (Link)

Ao3 Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21638800/chapters/59830819

Sorry for the slightly late chapter, I’ve been busy with the TodoMomo Mini Bang, but I got this wonderful picture from Rennomiya to say thank you!

If you haven’t heard of it, the Mini Bang is a collaboration between incredibly talented writers and artists to produce new TodoMomo content and the posting dates are from June 14th to July 13th! Works are tagged to the TodoMomo Mini Bang 2020 collection on Archive of Our Own, if you want to look up the amazing works. Also, if you care to get involved, feel free to pledge to become a Book Club member. Basically, you’d agree to like, reblog and/or comment on a couple of our wonderful teams’ creations. :)

Also, thank you to my wonderful betas: Flourchildwrites and C'sMelody. And thank you to 666-HyuugaNeji-999 for doing a preview read to make sure everything flowed.

XXXXXX

Chapter 9: We Can (Not) Comfort

XXXXXX

29 days post the fall of Troy

Fucking Kaminari.

Shouto leaned back in the tub and ran his hand through his hair, pushing back the red strands. He had tried not to dwell on it, but Yaoyorozu’s words from the night prior wouldn’t leave him.

In truth, it wasn't surprising that Yaoyorozu’s friend had been on the receiving end of a god's unwanted affections, but the fact that he had taken her was.

Gods were only allowed to bring mortals back to Mount Olympus if they intended to keep them as consorts. Which meant that the god had fallen in love with Yaoyorozu’s friend, enough to marry her.

He tried to recall if he had heard of any of the gods taking a mortal as a wife but couldn’t remember. After all, it seemed that besides starting wars, fucking humans was all they ever did.

Shouto's jaw twitched at the thought. He closed his eyes.

Yaoyorozu had never confirmed it was Kaminari who had stolen her friend, but regardless, it was clear that Kaminari had been sent to protect her. Shouto was sure of it. But then — why use him? Was he simply a convenient bodyguard? Or was there another motive behind the curse? It couldn’t be that straightforward, could it?

He ground his teeth and opened his eyes to glare down at the water. The bath had become cold.

There had to be a reason Kaminari hadn't simply whisked Yaoyorozu away from the battle.

His stomach twisted faintly at the idea of the Erotes even thinking of touching her, but he pushed the feeling aside. He glanced at his weapon, Endeavor, leaning against the wall. Even without his godly powers, the Erotes was a decent enough fighter by himself. His sword, Chargebolt, had been given to him by Zeus and could release lightning-based attacks. He could have easily defeated the Athenians, but he hadn’t.

Was he being controlled? Kaminari wasn’t the smartest of gods, but even he wouldn’t have done something so foolish as to curse Shouto on a whim. Would he?

Shouto sighed to himself. He had always considered himself intelligent enough, but the mystery surrounding this was making his head hurt. If only someone was here that he could talk to — that he trusted. Midoriya or even Bakugo might have been able to dissect what was going on.

He flexed his fingers and stood up.

Not that it mattered. None of this mattered. He was still cursed for the time being.

Shouto scowled at the knowledge as he dried off. Pulling on his perizoma, he picked up Endeavor’s sheath and grabbed his clean chiton, throwing it over his shoulder before walking out of the bathroom.

It was almost dark outside. The fiery reds and oranges of the setting sun shimmered off of the tiled floors and bathed the marble pillars of the house in golden hues. The day’s oppressive heat had lifted somewhat, and a cool breeze flowed off the ocean.

The children laughed as they continued playing in the courtyard, getting their last bit of energy out before bed. A boy threw a pebble-sized bone into the air and proceeded to scoop up as many of the other bones as possible before catching the tossed one in a game of knucklebones.

Shouto watched the boys for a moment before a shift in the wind caught his attention. He raised his head and sniffed the air; his eyes narrowed. There were faint traces of magic in the wind. It wasn’t as heavy and oppressing as the stymphalian's. So a god’s.

A shiver ran down his spine. It felt like claws raking down his back. Shouto swallowed over the sour taste in his mouth and looked down at his hand. Ever since his fight with Dabi, he’d been crippled.

His vision in his left eye had been impaired. It was healing slowly, but if it was too bright or dark, he had a hard time making out his surroundings. However, the deepest cuts were the ones no one could see; he still couldn’t use his magic. It was as if it had dried up. He had the memory of it, could still feel the sensation in his fingers, but anytime Shouto reached within himself to pull on his power, he felt hollow. It made him feel bare. Vulnerable.

His fingers spasmed, and his hand drifted to Endeavor’s hilt. For the time being, all he could rely upon were his instincts and sword skills. His hand tightened on the hilt until his knuckles turned white.

It would have to do.

He was strong.

“Hey, mister!” A high-pitched voice interrupted his thoughts.

Shouto started and looked down. A young boy with dark marks around his eyes and sharp teeth shrunk back. The other children stopped their game of knucklebones to watch.

Shouto rolled his jaw and forced himself to relax. He hadn’t meant to scare the kid. “What is it?”

The boy shifted. Tamashiro, if he remembered correctly. He was half tempted to ask the child to save his question for later, but this was the first time any of the children had addressed him unprompted.

The kid looked at his sword, then up at him and straightened. “You can fight, right?” the kid asked, lifting his chin. “Are you any good?”

A small boy with short black hair and gold horns scowled next to him. “Obviously not if he ended up here,” he said, scoffing.

“I ain't asking you, Kota,” Tamashiro snapped. Then he turned back to Shouto, and a small grin pulled at his mouth as he took a step forward. “Teach me! I want to learn to fight.”

There was an audible pause, and then Kota stood up. “If you're learning, I want to too!”

It was like a flood gate had opened, as all the other boys began standing up and yelling over each other.

“Teach me!”

“Teach me too!”

"I want to kill a cyclops!"

Shouto stared at them in surprise as the boys surrounded him.

He didn’t know what to say. He had never dealt with children before. But he couldn’t think of a reason not to teach them. They’d eventually have to fight one day, whether they wanted to or not; the life of a half-breed was dangerous. They’d never be fully accepted by the gods or humans. The only way they’d survive was by relying on their own strength.

The smell of the god’s magic hardened his resolve. Shouto curled his hand into a fist.

The strong live, the weak die.

Shouto nodded faintly. “Okay.”

The children shouted in triumph and began shooting off questions at him. He shifted awkwardly under the sudden attention. He really wasn’t good at this.

There was the click of sandals on tile.

“Everyone!” The familiar voice pulled at him. “It's time to get ready for bed.”

The boys had vanished before the speaker had even finished her sentence. Shouto turned to look down the hallway and tried to suppress the feeling of his stomach flipping as Yaoyorozu drew closer.

It was the curse, he reminded himself for the hundredth time, even as he felt the tension in his neck and shoulders begin to relax.

“Oh, Todoroki?” Yaoyorozu said, then paused; her eyes grew wide. She dropped her gaze, then looked back up at his face and away again. Her face appeared flushed, and something inside of him reveled in the tinge of red that was spreading across her cheeks.

He straightened, smothering the urge to smirk, as Yaoyorozu shifted.

“Are - Are you done bathing,” she asked, her voice slightly higher. The curse pulsed in his veins. She pushed her bangs behind her ear without looking at him. “Aizawa said to come meet him when you are.”

“Hmm,” Shouto said. He could feel his heartbeat quicken as he watched Yaoyorozu nervously bite her bottom lip. He stepped toward her unconsciously.

Her eyes seemed to grow impossibly wide; her pupils were dark. She stepped back slightly, and he followed her. Her hand curled in front of her mouth. She still wouldn’t look him in the eyes, and he couldn’t suppress the part of him that wanted to see what she’d do if he cornered her. Would she look at him then?

He wanted her to look at him.

Movement behind her snapped Shouto back to awareness as Tokoyami appeared out of one of the side rooms. He looked at Shouto, and his eyes narrowed in suspicion, then glanced back at Yaoyorozu. She jerked and abruptly dropped her gaze to the ground, her hands twisting together in front of her.

Tokoyami turned back to Shouto; his stare was hard. And if he could read Tokoyami’s bird-like features, he’d say he looked furious.

Shouto felt the urge to scowl. His fingers twitched and tightened unconsciously on his sword’s hilt as he looked back at Tokoyami and met his cold glare.

There was a long silence.

“Oh good, Todoroki,” Asui’s croaking voice suddenly interrupted, cutting through the tension as she stepped out from behind Yaoyorozu and Tokoyami. “Aizawa was looking for you, kero.”

Shouto breathed deeply to calm himself before schooling his face into what he hoped was a neutral expression. “What is it? Did something happen?” he asked Asui.

She shook her head. “Good news, actually," she said. Her tongue stuck out slightly from the side of her mouth. "There's an aurai here if you wanted to send your message, kero.”

That explained the smell from earlier.

“Send a message?” Yaoyorozu asked, her eyebrows drawing together as she looked up at him. Her face was still slightly red, but her eyes didn’t flicker from his face as they had earlier. “To whom?”

Shouto glanced at her. “I’m sending a message back home. To Sparta.”

“And you’re using an aurai to do so?”

"Out here, the only way to contact anyone is to ask a favor from a minor god or one of the nymphs of the sky to carry it for you, kero,” Ausi explained.

“Oh, I see,” Yaoyorozu said slowly.

Shouto stared at her for a moment before turning back to the nereid. “And you’re sure this aurai can be trusted?” Shouto asked skeptically.

“Kero.” Asui pressed her finger to her chin. “Hado Nejire has helped Aizawa with small tasks before. It shouldn’t be a problem for her to bring your message back to Sparta.”

In truth, he hated dealing with aurai — they were airheaded and generally unreliable, not to mention taxing to deal with. Out of all the nymphs, the aurai were the most energetic and nosy. Two characteristics Shouto hated. But, he didn’t have much of a choice if he wanted to contact Midoriya.

He sighed to himself. “Where can I find her?”

“She’s out front right now.” Asui paused and looked him up and down. "And you should put on your chiton, kero," she added, her slightly croaking voice teasing.

Shouto raised a brow questioningly, but Asui just smiled up at him, pressing her index finger to her lips as if she was letting him in on some sort of secret that he wasn’t understanding. Shouto didn’t dwell on it as he slipped on his clothes before going to find Aizawa and the aurai. As he passed, he glanced back at Yaoyorozu, but Tokoyami stepped in front of her. His eyes were narrowed in disdain.

Shouto’s hands curled into fists at his sides, but he forced himself to keep moving. He couldn’t miss this chance.

He stepped out into the fading sunlight. The smell of magic abruptly intensified. It smelled sweet and fresh, like myrtle, and he looked up. Aizawa was standing by the statue of Hephaestus, talking to a woman who was floating in the air. She had long flowing hair that fell past her knees and gleamed lilac in the fading sunlight.

Shouto moved closer.

“They said they’re on their way,” the woman said with a giggle.

He could see Aizawa nod. “Good.”

The woman looked up, spotting him. Her eyes went wide, and she hurried closer until her face was centimeters from his. “Oh! Who are you? You’re so handsome. But that scar!” she said, circling him with child-like curiosity.

Shouto scowled and threw her a sharp look that she ignored.

“Todoroki,” Aizawa said, turning. “This is Hado Nejire.”

“Hello! Hello!”

Shouto nodded stiffly in greeting.

“Nejire can take the message for you,” Aizawa said, his voice dull.

The woman twirled in the air, unperturbed. “Of course! Leave it to me,” she said, giving him a mock salute.

Shouto sighed to himself, the sound barely audible. He hated dealing with aurais. He rolled his jaw and looked back at the sky nymph. “I need you to deliver a message to Midoriya, one of the princes of Sparta.”

Nejire nodded eagerly.

Shouto paused. The aurai had poor memories, so it wasn’t likely that she’d remember anything complicated. “Tell him that I’m okay and heading home. If everything goes as expected, I should be home before winter.”

He paused, his eyes sliding to the side to look discreetly at Aizawa. Shouto didn’t want to let the old man know more than he needed to, but the sinking feeling in his stomach said that Aizawa already knew.

The older man was far too smart for Shouto’s liking.

He brought his hand to rest upon Endeavor’s hilt as his gaze flickered back to the aurai. “And ask him how much he knows about Kaminari and his powers.”

“Kaminari?” Nejire asked, blinking in surprise. “Hmm. I don’t get it.” She tapped her lip with her pointer finger. Then she smiled at him.

“But okay!” she said gleefully, almost bouncing. “Anything else?”

“No.” His tone was clipped.

“Okay! I’ll be off then!” She spun and gave Aizawa another mock salute. “Bye bye!” she half-sang as her body shimmered and then disappeared with a soft pop.

Shouto watched the space where the nymph had been for a moment longer before turning towards Aizawa.

The older man was staring at him, his expression closed but eyes calculating. Shouto stiffened. It felt like a lump of dread had formed in his throat. If it wasn’t clear how much Aizawa knew before, it was now. He swallowed hard.

“I’m taking Asui and Tokoyami for the first watch. You and Yaoyorozu have the second shift,” Aizawa said, abruptly changing the topic.

Shouto felt his shoulders relax slightly, and he nodded. “Something has changed.” There was an unspoken question in his tone.

Aizawa looked out towards the ocean. “Nothing for now,” he said at length. “But, I have a bad feeling. Ever since you all arrived, the stymphalian have been acting strangely. They’ve only been sending the omegas and gammas of their flock to attack. It doesn’t make sense. It’s almost like they are waiting for something, but I don’t know what.”

“Do you think they are testing us?”

“Possibly.” Aizawa tilted his head back, closing his eyes and pinching the bridge of his nose. “They could be weary and trying to determine how strong you three are.”

“Perhaps,” Shouto agreed as he turned to look fully at him. “It hasn’t always been like this, has it?”

Aizawa didn’t look at him, and Shouto’s eyes narrowed. “What’s changed?”

Aizawa didn’t say anything.

Shouto studied him silently. He debated pushing Aizawa for more information. The older man was entirely too secretive for his liking, but Shouto knew he wouldn’t say anything unless he wanted to.

He scowled. Shouto hated people like Aizawa. He couldn’t read the older man at all. He was better with straightforward people like Bakugo. At least he always knew where he stood and what Bakugo wanted.

Movement in the corner of his eye caught his attention as Asui and Tokoyami emerged from the house.

"We’re heading out.” Aizawa looked back at him, breaking the silence. "Do a full sweep of the grounds. We need to be extra vigilant until we figure out what is going on.”

Shouto nodded and watched the three disappear over the ridge before he turned to go check the perimeter of the house.

xxxxxxx

It was getting late, and the moon was shining brightly by the time Shouto finished checking the grounds. There had been faint traces of something in the bushes surrounding the house.

Someone had been watching them.

Yet, it was too dark for him to be able to track down whatever it was until morning. He’d have to bring it up to Aizawa when he returned.

Shouto’s jaw twitched as he returned to the house. The place was silent. Yaoyorozu must have retired after putting the children to bed.

It would be another four or five hours until Aizawa and the others returned. He might as well try to sleep as well. The night prior, he had only slept for two hours before he became restless. And the night before that, Shouto slept even less.

He made his way towards the courtyard and paused.

Yaoyorozu was standing under the veranda. The moonlight caught in her dark hair and cast her profile in silver. She was staring up at the cloudless night sky.

She looked ethereal, and Shouto could feel his heartbeat stutter as he gazed at her silently for several seconds before stepping out of the house. “Yaoyorozu.”

She jerked and whirled around to look at him. “Todoroki!” she gasped, pressing a hand to her chest. “You scared me.” Shouto’s steps faltered, and he brought his hand up to rub the back of his neck. “Sorry.”

Yaoyorozu shook her head, her posture relaxing. “It's okay.” She gave him a small, forced smile. “I was just startled. I didn’t hear you approach. Were you able to send your message?” “Mhm,” Shouto hummed as he moved closer. His fingertips ran over Endeavor absently, before resting his hand fully on the sword’s hilt. “I asked her to deliver a message to Prince Midoriya. To let him know we’re alive, and we’ll be coming home soon.”

The corners of her mouth twitched. “I see.” She looked down and grew quiet.

His eyes narrowed as he studied her profile. There was something off about her tonight. Shouto hadn’t noticed it earlier, so whatever had happened must have occurred while he had been out. He wondered if she'd tell him if he asked.

Probably not.

He sighed to himself. “Go get some sleep. You didn't sleep well last night."

She shook her head faintly. “I'm fine, but I could say the same for you.” She looked up and met his eyes. “You and Aizawa get the least amount of sleep out of all of us. You should be careful and watch your health.”

He scoffed silently. “I'm fine. There were worse nights during the war.”

It was a half-truth.

Yaoyorozu didn’t say anything. He looked away as they lapsed into silence for several moments before he glanced back at her. Yaoyorozu was staring blankly out at the courtyard. He watched as her lips thinned, and she wrapped her arms over her stomach. His fingers twitched. “What are you thinking about?”

She was silent for several seconds. “Many things,” she finally said.

His hand tightened on Endeavor’s hilt when she didn’t say anything else. It had been a long time since he’d dealt with a woman’s feelings, but he vividly remembered that anytime Fuyumi refused to tell him what she was thinking, it meant something was wrong.

“Todoroki.” He looked up. “Would you tell me what Sparta’s like?” she abruptly asked.

Shouto’s mouth went dry, and he stood still trying to remember. “I don’t know,” he said hesitantly. He looked away. His voice was stiff. “I haven’t been there in over ten years — probably looks like any other city. Nothing special.”

“I see.”

Shouto glanced at her from the corner of his eye. She looked almost sad as she continued to stare out across the courtyard. Her onyx eyes flat.

Was she grieving? Remembering Troy and all those she had lost? Shouto swallowed hard. He had his own memories of the war. Of the people he had killed, those who had died honorable deaths of a warrior and those who had been too young to deserve to meet Thanatos.

He rolled his jaw. He didn't know how telling her about Sparta would help, but Shouto didn’t like seeing Yaoyorozu like this. He didn’t want her to suffer. The war wasn’t hers to bear.

He searched his mind for something to give her.

“It’s pretty,” he began slowly. “The city is made of marble and limestone. And the pastures are rich, and the forests are filled with game, so we never go hungry. It… has its problems, but Midoriya and Bakugo, the princes, are trying to change things to make life better.”

Yaoyorozu looked at him. Her eyes studied his face as if searching for something. “And your family?”

“I’ve lived with my sister ever since Ares took me away from my mother when I was around six or seven.”

Her expression grew pained, and she dropped her gaze back to the floor. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to-”

“It’s fine,” he said gruffly. “I’m used to it being just her and me.”

Yaoyorozu swallowed. Her hands tightened around her stomach. “And your slaves? How many other slaves do you have?”

“Just you.”

“And Tokoyami.”

“No, just you.”

Yaoyorozu’s head snapped up, and her eyes widened as she stared at him.

“Why? What’s wrong?” He lifted his hand off his sword as if he were reaching to touch her. His chest tightened.

She glanced away, and he let his hand drop. “It’s nothing.” Shouto frowned. “Did I say something?” She shook her head faintly. “No. I just - I just don't know where I fit in anymore.” “What do you mean?” he asked, studying her. “I…” Yaoyorozu dipped her head so that her bangs fell in front of her face, obscuring her expression. “Nevermind,” she said quietly. Shouto’s eyes narrowed. “What's wrong? Are you not feeling well?”

She shook her head again. “It’s not like that...I’m just....I’m thinking too much.” She curled a piece of black hair around her fingertip. “I’m just not used to this...”

Yaoyorozu swallowed and took a shaky breath before continuing. “Back at the temple, I’d always be working. I had my job, and I knew what was expected of me, but these days...I...I just don’t know where I fit in anymore. I have too many thoughts, and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do...” she choked, and her voice trailed off. Shouto swallowed hard as Yaoyorozu’s words hung in the silence. It felt like his heart was beating in his throat. He had never expected to feel as though he could relate to another so well, least of all, to Yaoyorozu. But, she was voicing the sickening feeling that had been swirling in the pit of his stomach for weeks. The war had stolen his youth. And now it was over, leaving him a warrior, a soldier, but without a purpose besides returning home.

His fingers twitched. He had never considered that Yaoyorozu could feel the same sense of helplessness as he did. Shouto’s fingers curled into tight fists. “You were a healer, right? Back at the temple.”

She nodded. “Why don’t you ask Aizawa if you can help him then?” She looked up. “Are you really okay with that?” she asked suspiciously. Shouto tilted his head. “Why wouldn’t I be?” She dropped the piece of hair and looked away, folding her hands in front of her. “Is it really okay for a slave to learn those types of things?” she asked, her voice barely above a whisper. Shouto felt his stomach twist. He turned to fully face her and took a step closer. “I’m not the best with words. I’ve always felt that actions are what matter.” Her eyes darted up to his face, and Shouto swallowed. “So, I know my words probably won’t make you feel better, but, even so, I’ll just say that I don’t want you to feel like you have to suffer by yourself. If - if there is anything I can do to help, I want you to let me know.”

Yaoyorozu’s eyes widened as he brought his right hand up. His fingers, unfurling and half-hesitant, wavered for a moment before he brushed her loose hair behind her ear. “I don’t want you to feel like you have to forget who you want to become just because you’re with me.”

She gasped softly. His fingers lingered on her face for a moment, and then his hand slipped under her chin to cup her jaw, lifting her head up.

“Yaoyorozu.” Her name rolled off his tongue. He felt her pulse jump underneath his thumb. It sent a rush of excitement through him. “I want you to be able to rely on me. I want to take care of you.”

She sucked in a breath but didn’t say anything. Her eyes were dark, almost pitch black. He could feel her warm breath on his face. Her tongue flicked out to wet her lips, and he felt his heartbeat speed up.

Slowly, Shouto leaned down. Yaoyorozu was still underneath him, and his lips skimmed over hers.

“You’re mine. Let me care for you,” he whispered as he kissed her.

XXXXX

Ahh! So they finally kissed again! I was really thinking of making us all suffer longer, but I was itching for a little romance. And since the chapter is a little slow otherwise, I hope you all liked it. :P

Notes:

Aurai - nymphs of cool breezes.

Erotes - The Erotes are a collective of winged gods associated with love and sexual intercourse in Greek mythology. Kaminari is one of the Erotes.

Hephaestus - was the god of fire, metalworking, stone masonry, forges and the art of sculpture. He was also the patron of cripples and outcasts.

Knucklebones - a game similar to jacks or fivestones, but played with the ankle-bones of goats or sheep.

Perizoma - A loinclot

Thanatos - Thanatos, in ancient Greek religion and mythology, the personification of death.

#todomomo #todoroki x yaoyorozu #todoroki shouto #Yaoyorozu Momo #ashes of love and war #My writing #My Story

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witchcraftingboop · 4 years

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Re: Jbird & RainS. (Briar) Discourse

Previously, I have spoken with the person who made very serious allegations against JBird, calling him a racist, that were then used by others to spread slander against him. They have since apologized and admitted that JBird isn't a racist, and I genuinely think there was a stark miscommunication that went on to prompt such a claim. I don't want to name them or involve them here, since I do believe they've already reflected enough on the situation at hand, and is still deeply considering the multi-faceted hornet's nest of problems they've stumbled upon.

However, in light of the blatant dismissal and refusal to submit actual proof against the two, I feel as if I should share the information I offered this person before.

If you are basing your arguments against Jbird and Briar off of the previous, separate Discord group discussions of Trio & co. - screenshots of which have been, and continue to be spread years later, by Prim - then I especially implore you to be open to what I have to say. As a third party to this continually and rapidly spiralling debacle, I feel like there's not much I can say or do to assist my friends in being heard, but I feel as if I ought to try. Prim's following is large and actively prepared to follow her "do not interact even to ask questions" policy, so I worry it may be too late already. But I am not without hope or faith.

Tumblr is, unfortunately, a place where hate spreads rapidly, and while I do love the broad community it fosters, I am also aware that, even with the best of folks, it is hard to see the side of someone you've already decided is guilty and not worth approaching for an explanation.

First and foremost, I believe in innocence until proven guilty.

Now then! Onto my offered commentary/input! (Sorry to prattle on so much.)

To start, thedesertgod, also known as Trio, did go through and look for her personal information, which is messed up. But that person has already apologized, if I'm remembering correctly, and left Tumblr. And the other main user who helped spread information about Prim being a race faker also admitted wrong and left. The others in the chat, particularly Mystic and Ronan appear to just be making jokes and stating factual informative summaries, respectively. E-muete also said "ok no" after the Dolezal comment, which is a common "no that's too far a comparison/joke/statement" substitute among their forums and chats and often means they don't actually agree with what they themselves said. Ruby also politely reminds Trio that it's impossible to tell someone's race off of their appearance alone. So what I see here is definitely problematic, but entirely on Trio's part. I'm not saying it's not screwed up to find pictures of someone's parents and debate their race, but the persons who did those things have already left the Tumblrsphere.

Unfortunately, the people you've pointed out don't have a good history with Prim even before the whole "Trio nitpicking her race" thing. Prim used to follow more than a few of them and use their posts to fuel her platform, oftentimes creating uninformed mish-mosh articles with a voice of authority that simply wasn't warranted. As I'm sure you're aware, it's hard enough dealing with people stealing your content word for word, but to attempt to steal your knowledge? Your initiations and rites of passage? And use them to sell yourself as a master of a breadth of practices? The tradcrafters of that particular circle decided to band together and block her from interacting with them directly for that very reason. And because of that, Prim started telling her followers that they are all racist and elitist and ableist and gatekeepers. These terms over the years have become almost like triggers in that once they're said, everyone seems to put on a blindfold and fall into a frenzied rage. And to be fair, Prim is far too quick, in my opinion, to bring up racism as the reason others disagree with her. Most times, I've noticed at least, that if she calls someone racist or says they're unsupportive of POC, she nearly immediately brings up BLM activism in her posts or reblogs. I'm not saying I necessarily support calling all of her activistic inclinations performative, but where the tradcradt group she calls racist is more than willing to talk of and show proof of their contribution, Prim never has and avoids it if asked. I can see both sides, really. But the fact remains that calling someone performative in their actions, does not a racist make. Neither, in my opinion, does interacting with people who are assumed (without real and concrete proof) to be racist.

I can appreciate where you're coming from; honestly, I can. People have grown accustomed to hearing the prefix trad- and preparing for the worst. Racism is a systematic and prevailing problem in the society all around us, so it makes sense to be on the lookout for it. You want to protect yourself and your community. I can understand your sentiments perfectly. But I cannot support "guilty by association" viewpoints. As a WOC who grew up in some rough areas, I have seen boys killed under that very same reasoning. Jbird is a good friend of mine, and I have never questioned his morals or ethics. I have seen no sign of my being looked down upon for the color of my skin, nor anyone else who runs in that very same circle.

What I see is what I see in a lot of faces on this hellsite: hurt. Before Trio and after Trio left, the tradcraft community has been slandered and ostracized. They have shut themselves off to outsiders for the very thing you've done to Jbird just yesterday. They hold their secrets closer than most other communities now because persecution is seemingly forever at their door. On Prim's end too, there has been struggle and pain and needless arguing and hurt. If those you approach seem prickly, it is often because the world has roughened their edges, not because they personally are against you.

I asked for a couple examples from the group and one person (I'll keep them anonymous because I didn't confirm they'd like their name here) said: she has talked about saint magic (trio), hadean pamphlet (trio), hubris (Ruby), fairies, trad craft shit (Mahigan among others), etc etc

From what I personally have seen, her most recent was the Witch Fire podcast. A few tradcraft blogs had a debate/discussion about Witch Fire and its traditional eurocentric foundations in witchcraft not that long ago, and then Prim decided to put out a podcast that was so uninformed, I'm still worried about how younger or newer witches might be hurt by it.

Unfortunately the tradcraft community is vulnerable to that kind of thing [being called names or falsely accused] and an easy target. That's why being called those kind of harsh words - like gatekeeping, elitist, racist, and ableist - are met with so much anger from them. I take it very seriously because I've seen the kind of whiplash it has, especially on such a closed off group.

[A Reply.] Yeah no, Prim "apologizes" by talking about how she's been previously given a hard time with interjections of "but please don't go around spreading hate" and never directly apologizes to the tradcrafter in such posts. Unfortunately, her "apology" did more harm than good. I was hoping she'd just ignore it but . . . This tends to happen too 🤦‍♀️

I think that if both sides were able to approach it as openmindedly as you have, there would be a lot less drama and in-fighting on this app 😩 I really did enjoy talking with you though!

That just about covers everything I'd like to say on the matter.

I do not condone spreading hate, just as I don't condone misinformation or blind allegiance to what one person says. So if you can respectfully and openmindedly address your questions/comments/concerns, I don't see why you can't interact with Briar, Jbird, or myself. I understand it's easy to get caught up in the first perspective you're given, but it is my hope that Witchblr as a whole can be more open to hearing both sides of the story. Blindly blocking and cancelling certain bloggers is something I don't support nor encourage. I understand Prim must be tired of addressing all of the drama that churns around her, so I won't speak as to what her reasoning could be for suggesting such a solution. I'm simply stating what I hope for the community as a whole.

| | Note: The statements above were written early (I think, my sense of time is off) yesterday, and as of yet, I have still seen no concrete evidence that Briar or Jbird have ever made racist comments. On Briar's part, I have seen her observation that activism on a performative platform such as Tumblr can come off as performative, but she never once said she doesn't know or see why Prim would support and promote BLM activism. Something I think was misconstrued and lumped all together to sound as if she thought Prim were faking her contributions altogether. | |

#witchblr #witch community #witchblr discourse #discourse #disappointed #tradcraft #traditional witchcraft #primrose #nightshadeandroses #gabrielle #chthoniaa

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btsficfinds · 4 years

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google searching: a step-by-step guide (with examples)

hey guys, admin rumu here~ we’ve already provided a fairly straightforward guide to google searching in our tips, but it seems some people are still having some issues. if you needed something a little more in-depth or if you were just curious about the process, this is for you! this will be very lengthy as i will be going through every step with different asks. i will not be addressing searching with google cache but if you’d like to see how that's done, dawn has already explained it in this post.

our searches are based on what you send us. if you’re looking for a fic but are confused about what terms to use in your search, write an ask like you’re going to send it to us (but don’t actually send it yet). i’ll be showing you how asks get turned into google searches using some of the asks we’ve previously received, so try this with your own!

general rules (these apply to all examples except example 1)

1. as you might have seen in the google section of the tips, there are some keywords that every search should have:

-the pairing (namjoon/seokjin/yoongi/jimin/taehyung/jungkook) (if you don’t remember the pairing, use the generic ‘bts’) -the platform (tumblr/ao3/etc.) (*if you don’t know where you read it, do not include this) *IF YOU READ THE FIC ON AO3, YOU MAY NOT FIND IT ON GOOGLE. you can (and should) still try, but google gets weird searching for ao3 fics. you might have better luck using ao3′s fic searching system first.

2. USE QUOTES IN APPROPRIATE SITUATIONS. quotes are only useful if used correctly, but they can make a HUGE difference. conversely, use them incorrectly and your search will not work.

3. make sure to actually read through your search results! don’t just assume it’s not what you’re looking for. if it looks like it could be a potential match, click on it and find out.

now let’s take a look at some examples:

*example 1: looking for a specific blog

we already have a tutorial on how to find lost blogs (you can find the link for that in the tips) but maybe you still can’t find it. thinking about asking us? try tumblr search/tags first, then google, then check our lost blogs list (link also in the tips), THEN ask us.

for these asks, you would search the blog name in quotes followed by ‘tumblr’ (e.g. “mintedmango” tumblr or “bluesxde” tumblr)

example 2: you remember...something (it’s extremely vague)

maybe you sent an ask without reading our tips (specifically the part showing how to write an ask for the best results), or maybe you did read them and unfortunately this is really all you remember. we hate to say this, but if you send us an ask like this your chances are slim to none.

the fic relevant parts are highlighted. based off of that, you would know the following: pairing: seokjin/reader fic type: one shot au: best friend

as you can see, there is little to no information here. even if we’ve read the fic they’re looking for, we probably wouldn’t have any idea what you’re talking about. in these situations, we probably would not make any suggestions because there are far too many to list. if you don’t send us more details, then there’s nothing we can do :(

example 3: you remember the title

depending on how unique the title is and how accurate your memory is, this should be fairly easy.

the fic relevant parts are highlighted. based off of that, you would know the following: title: somebody else pairing: taehyung/reader writer: aiscka

unless you misremembered the title or the title is an extremely common word/phrase, you should be able to find the fic simply by using quotation marks. if the title is a common word/phrase it would help to include other details in your search, but if the title is unique enough you probably wouldn’t need it. for this example, you could search: “somebody else” taehyung bts fanfic tumblr and you would be able to find this:

this is one of the top results but maybe you don’t feel like clicking through all the potential options to find the right one. the anon knew the author is this case, so they could also find the fic by searching: “somebody else” aiscka taehyung bts fanfic tumblr which would allow them to find a reblog from the writer’s previous name.

having more details will narrow your search down and make it faster for you to find what you’re looking for.

example 4: you remember the plot and specific/unique keywords (best case scenario)

the more details we have, the better chances we have of finding it. we are not exaggerating when we say we want you to send us EVERYTHING YOU REMEMBER. think we can find it even without all that? or perhaps you aren’t sure if it’ll help? maybe so but it doesn’t matter, we want it anyway!

the fic relevant parts are highlighted. based off of that, you would know the following: pairing: namjoon/reader au: aquarium, veterinarian/doctor, single parent, twins plot: reader meets namjoon and his sons at the aquarium while working

more specific details = more search options but this is enough for us to work with because these details have unique keywords (note: we would still prefer you give us more details than we need than not enough. PLEASE SEND US EVERYTHING YOU REMEMBER). my first search for this would be: namjoon reader tumblr fanfic "aquarium" i can immediately find:

i’ll still skim through the fic to double check, but just based off this i can already tell this is probably what we’re looking for! some other searches we could have tried are: namjoon reader tumblr fanfic "aquarium" vet namjoon reader tumblr fanfic veterinarian “twins” namjoon reader tumblr fanfic single father veterinarian all of these would find the fic we want, and i’m sure you could try other combinations as well. notice that some words have quotes around them and some don’t. how do you know which ones to use quotes for? if you are SURE that those are the exact word/words, put them in quotes. if you don’t know for sure how it was phrased, consider trying searches with and without quotes. ‘single father’ with quotes will only search for ‘single father’. ‘single father’ without quotes will give you results for ‘single dad’, ‘single parent’, ‘single fathers’, etc. in this example, you can see that the correct phrase was ‘single dad’, so not using quotes was the right idea!

example 5: you remember the plot and a name

searching for names is tricky. keep in mind that names must be exact. if you get the spelling wrong, a name will be useless as a keyword and will probably ruin your search.

the fic relevant parts are highlighted. based off of that, you would know the following: pairing: taehyung/reader au: best friend, fuckboy(?) plot: reader is best friends with taehyung, taehyung is blowing reader off for his girlfriend named vicktoria

there are a couple of issues with searching for this: -there is no universal spelling for fuckboy/fuckboi/fuqboii/etc. we all know they mean the same thing, but people can spell it however they want. unfortunately, google doesn’t know how to handle that. it’s also possible that the fic was not tagged with fuckboy, but there was fuckboy behavior present. either way, very difficult to google. -plot events can be hard to search for since it could happen over the span of multiple chapters and/or be explained different ways and google doesn’t know how to search for that either. plot points are useful for fic verifying, but not so much for fic searching. -the aus for this fic are very common. if not for one keyword, this would have been near impossible to search for and to verify.

you could probably guess what the initial search would be: taehyung “vicktoria” bts fanfic tumblr from that you would get:

based on the description, this search result is worth checking out. note that if they had remembered the name as ‘victoria’ or ‘something starting with a v’, this probably would not have worked.

example 6: you vaguely remember the premise, but nothing in detail

unfortunately there isn’t much you can do without specifics. there are TONS of fics out there and we simply cannot find what you’re looking for if there isn’t enough detail. we will try our best, but just know that you should not expect much.

the fic relevant parts are highlighted. based off of that, you would know the following: pairing: taehyung/reader/? fic type: multiple chapters au: yandere plot: reader is in some kind of danger and is saved by taehyung

not very specific, which is why we ask that people try to be as detailed as possible! this ask is pretty vague and it’s difficult to search for a fic without concrete details. ‘yandere’ is a pretty unique keyword so you might want to put it in quotes (some yandere fics aren’t tagged as yandere, but i’m going to assume it was in this case). NOTE: each exact term/phrase should get its own quotes. for example, it would be “taehyung” “yandere”, not “taehyung yandere” so from there you could have: tumblr taehyung “yandere” reader fanfic this search is still extremely broad so there will be a lot of irrelevant results. if you have the patience to check all the pages on google you can, but it would definitely take a while and you might not even find it. too many terms could confuse your search but less terms means more to look through. unfortunately everything from here would be guesswork. if it’s not in quotes, google will include results that are a match for synonyms and/or different tenses. let’s say my search is: tumblr taehyung “yandere” reader fanfic die rescued you can tell i’ve chosen those words based off of the plot detail. from the term ‘rescued’, google could give me results for ‘saved’ (synonym) or ‘rescue’ (word tense variation). click through the google pages and scan through your results. if the google summaries seem like they could be a match, check it out. if not, try a different search. from that search, i found:

it seems like a potential match since it’s a yandere taehyung fic involving another member, so i skim through the fic and check the details (reader is involved in a life or death situation and is saved by taehyung, fic is not a oneshot). this fic is only a suggestion as it’s possible this isn’t the right fic. from there we would ask for confirmation/denial, and unfortunately a lot of fics get left as pending. if your fic is pending, PLEASE let us know if it’s correct or not!

*edit: this fic was not the fic the anon was looking for, but we’ve received a potential fic suggestion from another anon. if this was your ask, please check back in!

example 7: you remember the plot and details, but you don’t remember the pairing

this might be tough since the pairing really helps narrow the search results down, but it’s not a deal breaker if you have enough unique keywords.

the fic relevant parts are highlighted. based off of that, you would know the following: pairing: jungkook/?(taehyung/hoseok/jimin) platform: ao3 au/genre: soulmate (red string), demons(?) plot: jungkook can manipulate his string, jungkook cuts his string, jin and namjoon are in a relationship, jungkook gets sick at jin and namjoon’s house, alex(?) is a demon(?), jungkook gets tricked by alex(?)

lots of information so lots of potential searches, but unfortunately a lot of unsurety. the concrete words here are going to be ‘jungkook’, ‘soulmate’, and ‘red string’, but everything else is up in the air. it’s even more complicated because it’s an ao3 fic and like i said before, google gets weird with ao3.

my first search for this would be: jungkook fanfic “soulmate” “red string” “alex” note that i did not include the other half of the pairing in my search terms. if you want to take a guess for the pairing you can (i would have guessed taehyung because taekook is the most popular pairing for jungkook on ao3), but it’s best not to take too many leaps in logic from the very start. i usually save that for the end when i’m just trying my luck with different searches. i also chose not to include the platform in this search in case it was crossposted and could be found elsewhere. the initial search does not provide any promising results. after that i might try searches like: jungkook fanfic “soulmate” “red string” “manipulate” jungkook fanfic “soulmate” “red string” “alex” jungkook fanfic “red string” manipulate sick jungkook fanfic “red string” “soulmate” demon but unfortunately the fic doesn’t turn up for these either. now we’ve got to start guessing. i won’t lie, this is pretty difficult. i typically try to think about how the fic might be written/consider the most obvious or common way for them to say something and make guesses from that. i might try something like: jungkook fanfic “soulmate” “won this round” that doesn’t work, so i try: jungkook fanfic "cut his string" "soulmate" from that i get this:

looks like it could be the fic, so i skim through it for the details in the description and it is! obviously this will not always work, but sometimes you’ll get lucky.

example 8: you remember a quote (word for word)

the success of finding a fic based on a quote is dependent on how accurately you remember it. if the quote is unique to the story and you know the exact wording, you have a very high chance of being able to find it! *if you DO NOT know an EXACT quote, this probably will not help. i would advise searching using your other details instead of a partial quote because misremembering even a few words will ruin a quote search.

the fic relevant parts are highlighted. based off of that, you would know the following: pairing: jungkook/reader au/genre: college, f2l plot: jungkook asks reader for a pencil, reader remembers him from high school, jungkook remembers reader from kindergarten, reader defended jungkook when he was bullied for his knockoff ninja turtle shirt

lots of information here, but what stands out is the quotes! it’s SO specific that it would be surprising if other fics had them. assuming you didn’t misremember the phrasing, you 100% want to use quotation marks for this. my first google search would be: jungkook “it’s morphine time” bts fanfic tumblr

as we thought, there it is! alternatively you could have used the other quote (the search would have been jungkook “it’s morphin time” bts fanfic tumblr) and found it as well.

example 9: you remember lots of plot but no unique keywords

this kind of ask probably won’t be found through google searching (or if it is, there is a LOT of guesswork involved). hopefully the community remembers it or one of the admins will read it somewhere and recognize it (i’m always on the lookout for old asks!), but unfortunately google isn’t your friend this time.

the fic relevant parts are highlighted. based off of that, you would know the following: pairing: jungkook/reader au: established relationship, cheating plot: reader is dating taehyung or jimin, jungkook is dating someone, reader goes to taehyung/jimin’s apartment to give them food and sees jungkook in the hallway, jungkook’s girlfriend is in taehyung/jimin’s apartment, jungkook and reader sit outside and eat the food that was supposed to be for taehyung/jimin and jungkook’s girlfriend, taehyung/jimin and jungkook’s gf leave the apartment and see jungkook and reader together, taehyung/jimin is pushed back by jungkook

this is a very specific plot, but unfortunately there’s nothing concrete we can search for. these google searches would be all guessing, so i’ve tried variations such as: jungkook reader tumblr fanfic cheating "hallway" eating food jungkook reader tumblr fanfic "his girlfriend" eating food cheating jungkook reader tumblr fanfic "eating" "apartment" pushed and a lot of others, but none of those worked (as expected).

we’re still looking for this one so if anyone knows this fic or has other information please let us know!

JUST A REMINDER: please try all your search options BEFORE sending us an ask! i would recommend trying google first, then our tags, then the search bar for our blog, and if all of those don’t work, THEN try us.

if you send us an ask, PLEASE GIVE US ALL THE DETAILS. it doesn’t matter if it’s super long or you think the detail might not help, the more the better. maybe we might end up not needing everything you sent, but it increases your chances of the fic being found and helps us confirm what you’re looking for. so assuming you really want to reread it, tell us everything you know! if you aren’t sure what to write, you can check the ‘be detailed’ section of the tips for the best way to write an ask.

hopefully this cleared up some things about googling :)

#info

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magus-of-the-color-pizza · 5 years

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My New Approach to Discourse

EDIT: I apologize for the long post and the lack of a Read More but APPARENTLY that feature is not available on this mobile app and also I'm having a super hard time trying to copy-paste this into the website version so like... sorry 😅

Hey everybody! I'm just gonna make a post to formulate a couple thoughts I've been brooding. This is in no way a proposal for an offical system of rules for everyone, but I think it's an interesting perspective to consider (of course I'd say that, I came up with it lol).

Those of you who know me well, know that in the past I've alternated from being completely disinterested in Discourse of any kind to engaging in it fiercely at times. And I know many others do that too, and frankly I understand! Sometimes you're just so RIGHT and the other side is just so completely WRONG that you just can't hold back, no?

I think that a lot of topics that have become subject of the infamous Discourse are actually really interesting and complex, like: are authoritarian tyrants all the same (Tarkirian Dragonlords)? Should we judge a person that has been put through severe trauma for centuries and stops at nothing to take revenge on the person that betrayed them the same way we would someone that commits the same acts for different motives (Nahiri)? Should people indoctrinated from youth (or that are still young) that are manipulated into committing terrorist acts be judged the same as a non-brainwashed person (Domri)? This last one was actually the topic of a very interesting lecture/discussion I had a few days ago in one of my university classes, Terrorism and Political Violence.

You see, these are not easy questions to answer, and not only that but we all have different perceptions of the stories and the characters that are being presented to us. Our mind tends to oversimplify, and though we may see a situation as a very clear case of, say, abuse, other people's experiences, information on the subject, and perception of the characters may put them at a completely different starting point, never mind what kinds of conclusions they may draw if they started with the exact same perceptions you did.

It's nowhere near being the sole reason, but the toxicity surrounding various discourse topics, like people calling each other names, invalidating someone's opinion entirely, endlessly restating the same points... yes, this sort of atmosphere did contribute to the fatigue that I experienced and which eventually drove me to take some time off of Tumblr.

Now that I'm back, and I feel re-energized, I do not want to commit the mistakes of the past. I saw a post that's going around as of right now, regarding narrative cliches or tropes in general, due to the story of War of the Spark. It's a post in which people are arguing about the concept of so-called "feel-good" stories, as opposed to "realistic" stories. These may not be the most appropriated term but I think you understand what I mean. What is the value of stories where the cast has to overcome impossible odds, but eventually and consistently it's always the Good Guys who win? On the other hand, what is the value of stories where we place ourselves in a realm of fiction where we dictate the rules, but arbitrarily decide that we cannot escape the grim casualties and losses of reality? These are both really, really good questions! Questions that deserve insightful debate, opinions, ideas, suggestions, the more the merrier! Personally, I think both of these typologies of storylines have value, even though I personally much prefer "feel good" stories, because I get attached to characters I like and I feel Big Sad when they die. But it's just a personal preference, and it's not the only reason one can prefer these stories! There's a lot of discussion to be had on the psychological effects that an author is enacting when they kill characters the audience likes, especially if said audience did not feel like the death was "earned", or timed correctly, or stuff like that.

But anyways, I saw this post, and actually I saw a lot of additions to both sides of the argument that hey, I actually agreed with, or found to be respectful, and well thought out, and worth debating. But I didn't reblog it, and I have no intention to do so. This is because the thread is filled, from start to finish, with negativity, shaming, and de-legitimization of other people's opinions. I'm not mentioning the original poster by name for two reasons: 1) this is not a callout post. I'm not going after them (in fact I follow them and like most of their content) or anyone in that thread. I'm not trying to establish rules here, or police how people interact and 2) this is, after all, tumblr: people have their own blogs, and you're free to post what you want on it (I mean, obviously within reason. If you post untagged porn I will unfollow you, for example), so why shouldn't you? Your opinions are your own, and you shouldn't have to feel like you always have to watch yourself in case someone is gonna come chastise you. I get it. We can be emotional at times, and type out things that can be perceived as aggressive, or mad, whatever. I get it, I do. Besides, the person in question didn't even necessarily want to start a discussion, you never know when someone's just venting.

So, here's my new, personal approach to Discourse: I will gleefully engage with it whenever I see fit, but I will:

1) avoid demeaning, diminishing, invalidating or name-calling others;

2) avoid participating in and/or spreading threads/discussions which I believe will mostly just spread negativity and ill feelings; and

3) will back out of any discussion which I believe is turning or has the potential to turn sour, whether it is due to my own mood and general disposition or someone else's words.

It's only three rules, but I think with these and a tiny bit of mindfulness we can go a long way in making these sorts of conversations and community interactions feel more like a class debate and less like the spanish inquisition.

Thank you for stopping by ^_^

#magic: the gathering #mtg #discourse #Community #war of the spark

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kanasmusings · 6 years

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[Translation] StarMyu Season 2 Vol. 4 Special Drama Track 2 - “Hachiya Sou”

Oh~ I forgot I had this lying around and I said I’d be posting it so, here it is finally~! I love this boy so much and I hope to see more of him in season 3 of the anime XD

※ Please don’t re-post these translations without permission. Instead of reposting, please just like/reblog instead ^^

Under the cut, enjoy~!

Act 02: [蜂矢聰] “Hachiya So”

[0:00]

HACHIYA: My first meeting with Ageha was so vivid.

HACHIYA: After I got accepted to the specialized Vocal Course, I got to see a lot of wonderful people like Tatsumi-kun, Sawatari-kun, and Tsukigami-kun but, being able to do the same steps as them, sing the same melodies they do made me feel very special for the first time in my life!

HACHIYA: If I’m with him, I know I can go anywhere. I felt my heart become one with my teammates’ hearts.

HACHIYA: That’s what we all thought. We would treasure and protect our Ageha.

HACHIYA: That we’ll support him so that he could always be his best.

HACHIYA: But, how would we be able to do that…

HACHIYA: Back then, I wouldn’t have known the answer.

HACHIYA: This is a story from before we were second years in Ayanagi Academy. A story from the previous spring from before Ageha and I became friends.

HACHIYA: Volume 4 Special Drama CD: Hachiya Sou.

[01:31]

(door opens)

HACHIYA: I’m back.

HACHIYA: Ageha, do you want something to drink?

AGEHA: Don’t need any.

HACHIYA: Ah… U-um… I-it’s such a coincidence that we’re sharing the same room and are on the same team…

HACHIYA: I’m happy that we both got into a Star Team, too!

(Ageha ignores Hachiya and continues reading)

HACHIYA: Ah… U-um… You’re always reading that pamphlet, huh?

HACHIYA: Is it something important?

HACHIYA: That’s the pamphlet for the graduation performance, isn’t it?

HACHIYA: “Shadow & Lights” I remember you mentioning going to its performance this year.

HACHIYA: I hear that you’re planning to audition for Alexis’s Shadow in next year’s “Shadow & Lights”, too!

HACHIYA: It’s so amazing that you already have a dream you’re aiming for! I’m sure you can do it! You definitely wi—

AGEHA: So noisy. Don’t bother me.

HACHIYA: I’m so sorry…

(Ageha continues to read)

[02:33]

HACHIYA: But, um… Aren’t we teammates?

HACHIYA: Aren’t we both aiming to be in the Musical Department? Shouldn’t we build a friendship for that? We’ve already decided that we’ll follow you.

HACHIYA: That’s why… I want to know what you like… Like, your favourite things or…

HACHIYA: What kind of musical actor you want to become, anything. I’m sure everyone else also wants to—

(Ageha puts the pamphlet down)

HACHIYA: …!

AGEHA: Don’t need. I’m not interested in any of you.

HACHIYA: Eh…?

AGEHA: I don’t need things like teammates and friends.

AGEHA: They’re just a bother.

HACHIYA: E-eh, but… It would be bad if you were alone.

AGEHA: That’s why, I’ll bear with it. I have no choice anyway.

HACHIYA: That’s not good… If you say that, your teammates won’t follow you…

AGEHA: I don’t need them anyway.

HACHIYA: Eh?

AGEHA: You don’t have to follow me either.

AGEHA: Even if everyone hates me, I’m not really interested.

HACHIYA: A-Ageha…?

AGEHA: I just have to be brilliant. Even if I’m alone.

AGEHA: Right?

(Ageha leaves and closes the door)

HACHIYA: N-no way…

[04:04]

(Hachiya pouring some water)

HACHIYA: (takes a sip) (sighs) It’s already this late… I already finished eating but… Ageha’s in the room and it’s kind of difficult to go back…

HACHIYA: I guess I’m left with no choice but to wait here until Ageha goes to sleep…

(Hachiya trips and spills the water)

HACHIYA: Ah… ow, ow… I did it again… I’m drenched in water…

EIGO: Excuse me! I heard a loud sound. Are you okay?

HACHIYA: A-ah, yes I’m okay! Oh?

EIGO: Oh my, Hachiya-kun!

HACHIYA: Sawatari-kun!

[05:03]

(Eigo uses a hair dryer on Hachiya)

EIGO: There, it seems like your hair and clothes are dry now.

HACHIYA: I’m so sorry. Ah, I’ll return the hair dryer for you.

EIGO: Yes, please.

HACHIYA: Um, what are you doing in the 2nd Dorm, Sawatari-kun? Weren’t you in the 1st Dorm?

EIGO: One of my classmates in Class C is in this dorm. We were just discussing a bit on tomorrow’s agenda for homeroom.

HACHIYA: Are you the class representative this year, too?

EIGO: I was simply nominated by most of my classmates since we were in middle school together. I accepted because of the way things were going.

HACHIYA: You’re very qualified! Sawatari-kun’s a very reliable person!

EIGO: Thank you very much.

HACHIYA: Ah, how is Tatsumi-kun doing? I haven’t seen him since he helped me fix my number during the newcomer’s auditions.

HACHIYA: It’s amazing that both of you are Star of Stars! As I expected.

HACHIYA: Though, Tsukigami-kun’s was a bit… unexpected.

EIGO: (smiles) Aren’t you in a Star Team, too, Hachiya-kun? I’m very happy for you as your former classmate.

HACHIYA: Ah, th-that’s… (chuckles nervously) There’s still so much that I have to work on.

EIGO: Hm? Is there something that’s troubling you?

HACHIYA: Um… You’re always together with Tatsumi-kun, aren’t you?

HACHIYA: You’re his knight who’s always ready to support and protect him, right?

EIGO: Eh? Ah, no—That’s only what people call me—

HACHIYA: Please tell me how you managed to do that!

EIGO: Ah… Pardon…?

[06:57]

EIGO: I see… It’s about Ageha Riku-kun, huh?

EIGO: If I remember correctly, he was the one who was transferred from a regular class to a music class in middle school, wasn’t he?

EIGO: I do remember feeling a lot of enthusiasm from him but… He seems like quite the difficult person, huh?

HACHIYA: Ageha is a very talented and wonderful person but… He’s a little… rather, quite the strange person.

HACHIYA: Ageha is Team Yuzuriha’s top star! It won’t do if I can’t be able to support him.

HACHIYA: But… I feel like he doesn’t even want to look in my direction… It’s a little bit sad…

EIGO: Hm…

NANJO: I think that it’s impossible to actually understand that guy~

EIGO/HACHIYA: ?!

NANJO: Sorry for eavesdropping. I was on the way back to my room but I heard an interesting conversation.

EIGO/HACHIYA: Nanjo-kun?!

NANJO: Hello, Princess Tatsumi’s Knight~ Is this the first time we’ve talked properly?

EIGO: Indeed it is. Of course, I know you by face.

NANJO: Me, too. You were famous back in middle school after all.

NANJO: Um, you are…?

HACHIYA: Ah, I’m Hachiya Sou. I’ve always admired your work when you were the student council vice-president!

EIGO: Hachiya-kun is in the same special music course like I am.

NANJO: Oh~ So he’s amazing? Does that mean you’re in a Star Team, too?

HACHIYA: Yes, I’m in Team Yuzuriha.

NANJO: Ah, I see now~ That’s why you were talking about Ageha, weren’t you?

EIGO: Nanjo-kun, do you know Ageha?

NANJO: I was in the same class as him before. From first year maybe?

NANJO: I haven’t seen him since he got transferred to the music course though. Is he doing well?

HACHIYA: I-I wonder… I can’t really tell…

NANJO: Oh, you can’t? Well, he doesn’t show much expression anyway~

NANJO: By the way, for me personally, being in the same team as that guy would be a disaster to my mentality.

HACHIYA: E-eh…?

EIGO: That’s exactly what we’re troubled about right now.

NANJO: No need to be troubled about it. Just give up.

NANJO: That guy’s out of this world, you know? There’s no way he can communicate with other people.

NANJO: He hated me a lot during middle school, too.

HACHIYA: Eh?

EIGO: Is that so?

NANJO: To me, it’s sort of a thrill but I don’t really care about him. Can’t say for sure about Ageha sharing the same dorm as me though. Well, I guess he can just ignore me or something~

EIGO: You’re pretty savage, aren’t you…?

HACHIYA: He hates you…? Even so…

AGEHA: (from Hachiya’s memory) I’m not interested in any of you.

HACHIYA: (sighs) And here I thought you would be more respected…

NANJO: Hmm… Want to do a simulation?

EIGO/HACHIYA: Eh…?

HACHIYA: What kind of simulation?

NANJO: Something like this…

[10:08]

(they begin to imagine a situation)

REN: Hey Ageha, you bastard. You just bumped into me, didn’t you?! Guilty!

NANJO: Oh~ You got caught by someone troublesome, Ageha~

NANJO: Ren has gotten into an agency, you know? If there’s a single scratch on him, you’d have to answer to the scary people at the top~

NANJO: By the way, I think it’d be wise to go pay for his doctor right now.

AGEHA: (shrieks in such a forced way)

HACHIYA: Please stop!

NANJO/REN: Hachiya!?

HACHIYA: You’ve got some guts picking on my important friend! Take this!

(Hachiya punches Ren)

NANJO: (with a bored tone and fake concern) Ren!

REN: Tch…! That bastard Hachiya… So he was hiding his real strength all this time?!

NANJO: You can’t win against this, Ren. Just apologize to Hachiya and let it slide.

REN: Y-yes!!

HACHIYA: Please raise your head. I’ll forgive you today. But, I won’t forgive you if you bully Ageha again!

REN: This guy…! What a huge heart he has!

NANJO: Ageha, there’s no other teammate who’s this kind, you know? Trust in him and get along, okay~?

AGEHA: Yeah.

AGEHA: (to Hachiya) Thank you, my friend!

HACHIYA: Ageha!

(simulation ends)

[11:22]

NANJO: Or something like that~

HACHIYA: There’s no way it’ll go that smoothly!

EIGO: And I doubt that Kitahara-kun will play along without any complaints…

EIGO: Will that plan really be okay?

NANJO: That guy’s quite an actor, you know?

HACHIYA: Wait, the difficulty’s too high! Do you have any other ideas?

NANJO: Hm… No good, huh? How about this?

(they imagine another situation again)

HACHIYA: (with a smooth tone, like he’s hitting on someone) Ageha.

AGEHA: Ah…

HACHIYA: We need you. Without you, we won’t be able to enter the Musical Department.

AGEHA: …! Kabe-don…?

HACHIYA: Ageha… Please let me be of service.

AGEHA: Yes, please do.

(simulation ends)

HACHIYA: I don’t understand what’s going on!

EIGO: I also feel like it’s out of character for Hachiya-kun.

NANJO: No good? Hmm, then…

HACHIYA: Nanjo-kun, are you perhaps enjoying playing with my troubles?

NANJO: (laughs) Was it obvious?

HACHIYA: You really were?!

HACHIYA: (sighs) Is it really impossible?

HACHIYA: Can I really do well as Ageha’s teammate and roommate…?

HACHIYA: I’m losing confidence now…

EIGO: Hachiya-kun…

NANJO: Like I said, better give it up. He’s always been like that anyway.

NANJO: I’ve always thought that he was the type to do what he could on his own without relying on someone else.

HACHIYA: That… That may be so but… I’m Ageha’s ally.

EIGO/NANJO: Hm?

HACHIYA: No matter what Ageha thinks, my other teammates and I feel that way.

HACHIYA: We don’t just rely on him to get into the Musical Department, we really respect Ageha!

HACHIYA: I love Ageha that’s why… even though he says he hates us or that he’s not interested, we… We’ll support our top star and protect him.

HACHIYA: I mean… Ageha’s really amazing. He has his own goals and dreams and he’s doing his best to make them happen.

HACHIYA: I want to make it happen… If we could be of use to him, I’d like to make it happen.

HACHIYA: A-ah… I’m so sorry for raising my voice. (chuckles nervously)

NANJO: (chuckles) You’re kinda a strange guy, too, aren’t you?

HACHIYA: Eh?

NANJO: You say that you have no confidence and stuff. Even though we’re telling you to give it up, you’re still desperately trying.

NANJO: You’re kinda stubborn, huh?

HACHIYA: …

EIGO: (smiles) Indeed. It’s as Nanjo-kun says.

EIGO: “You don’t know unless you’ll try.” Aren’t those strong feelings for Ageha-kun enough answer for your worries?

HACHIYA: Sawatari-kun…

EIGO: Your life as teammates and roommates has only started. You have a lot of time.

EIGO: The more time you spend, the more it will grow stronger. I’m sure that your genuine feelings will reach him.

EIGO: The moment that he realizes your kindness might make your current situation a lot different.

HACHIYA: It’s only just begun… There’s still… I see!

HACHIYA: I have a lot of time, don’t I? It’s okay if I don’t give up, isn’t it?

HACHIYA: That was a story from the spring when Team Yuzuriha only started.

HACHIYA: And now, Ageha and I are second years!

[15:30]

HACHIYA: I’m so sorry for the intrusion.

TENGENJI: Hachiya?

EIGO: Oh my, good morning.

HACHIYA: Good morning, Sawatari-kun and Tengenji-kun. Are you having breakfast together?

TENGENJI: What’s up? Did you have something to do in this dorm?

HACHIYA: Ah, yes. Yesterday, Hoshitani-kun and Nayuki-kun let Ageha stay with them.

HACHIYA: They got the futon from our room so I thought I should help with bringing it back. I’m here to pick him up.

TENGENJI: Heh… He’s using you a lot, huh?

HACHIYA: I’m indebted to Hoshitani-kun for what he did during training camp and I think that Hoshitani-kun’s feelings managed to reach Ageha.

HACHIYA: Ageha’s really likable, I think.

TENGENJI: Likable? Him?!

EIGO: (chuckles) I think it’ll take a while before they arrive. Do you want to drink some tea while waiting?

HACHIYA: Yes, please. I’ll take you up on yo— (Hachiya hits the table)

EIGO: Are you okay?!

TENGENJI: Ah, geez…

HACHIYA: Ow…

AGEHA: What are you doing, Sou?

HACHIYA: Ageha! I came here to pick you up and just hit the table when Sawatari-kun I was about to sit down.

AGEHA: Klutz.

EIGO: Ageha-kun, is Hoshitani-kun and Nayuki-kun not with you?

AGEHA: They went to get breakfast. They said they’ll bring some snacks, too.

AGEHA: They said they saw some in the refrigerator?

TENGENJI: Snacks in the fridge?

AGEHA: Yeah. Sou, we’ll be eating over there for a while so please, go get my futon.

HACHIYA: Ah, yes.

TENGENJI: Just because he gets along with Hoshitani now doesn’t give him the right to be that impudent.

TENGENJI: You say something to him, too.

HACHIYA: Eh?

EIGO: (chuckles) Compared to when we were first years, you’ve really gotten along quite well.

EIGO: Though, there are quite a small amount of things that I dislike seeing.

TENGENJI: True.

HACHIYA: (chuckles) It’s alright. It’s just how our relationship is after my feelings have reached him.

TENGENJI: Huh?!

EIGO: (chuckles)

AGEHA: Yuta! Is that the snack?

TENGENJI: AH! It’s really…!

EIGO/HACHIYA: Hm?

TENGENJI: Hey, Hoshitani! That’s the one I received yesterday!

TENGENJI: You boor! Don’t think that this is something— (his voice fades into the background)

EIGO/HACHIYA: (chuckles)

HACHIYA: But sometimes, I admire those kinds of brazen people, too.

EIGO: That’s… Giving up on doing that is the correct choice, I think…

==END==

※ Please don’t re-post the English translations without permission.

If you like this, please consider buying me a ko-fi here to support my work. (o^▽^o)Thank you!!

#starmyu #high school star musical #Hachiya Sou #my translations #starmyu translations #lol the pic i had for the DVD cover was so low-res that i just used the soundtrack cover #i have a lot of mixed feelings about this drama track orz #queued post

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modesty-blaise · 6 years

Note

Since I'm curious, what caused you to become very possessive of your gifs? Not out of rudeness but curious, since no matter what you do a lot of them show up in the gif function on Tumblr which automatically credits you at the bottom of the gif.

Hey. Tbh, at first I didn’t wanna bother with yet another anon but since I see no ill intent behind this, I decided to go and answer it. Unfortunately, half-way through I realised my reply is turning into incredibly long semi-bitter rant and expands well beyond calling out just one person in Psychonauts fandom (and yes, this is related to Psychonauts fandom – you do know that these anons are not really that anonymous, right?) so… buckle up! All that beneath “read more”.

I’ve been on this hellsite for like…7-8 years? Maybe more? Can’t really tell cause I moved blogs and my old blog now consists of only 4 posts I’ve made close to leaving so I honestly have no idea how much time I’ve spend here before moving. Anyway, during those few years I’ve spent on my first blog I’ve met a lot of creative gifmakers who enjoyed sharing their love for fandoms they were in. I’d like to point out that this was waaaaay before tumblr created that insert-gif option so, back in the day, the only way to add gifs to your post was to: 1. make them yourself 2. take them from someone else. And a lot of people were taking them from someone else which resulted in many gifmakers giving up on making gifs and leaving fandoms and/or even leaving tumblr – and I’ve had many of my friends give up on what they love and have their games/shows/movies/whatnot ruined for them cause people would not stop stealing from them. And many of my friends eventually left tumblr cause they couldn’t deal with it anymore.

Tumblr adding insert-gif option, in my opinion, honestly, just made it worse for gifmakers. Cause now people had the opportunity to use gifs for their posts, with or without creators’ permission/knowledge, but it was alright and it was perfectly fine cause creators were credited. There’s their name at the bottom. It’s alright. Like… it doesn’t matter if they’re actually okay with people using something they’ve put hours into making or if they’re not – tumblr gives them credit so they SHOULD be okay with it. Simple as that.

Well, we’re all different and some people are not okay with that. I’m not okay with that. It took me weeks to figure out how to use photoshop correctly. Took me countless hours of looking through different tutorials and basically trial-and-error-ing my way through the process. Whenever I make gifs, it takes me hours to record videos and then hours trying to achieve that 3mb limit on gifs (thank lord these days we’re beyond 1mb limit). After all that effort I put into creating gifs for games that I love and enjoy, someone is going to make 2 clicks and have that same gif added to their post, without even asking. So how is that okay?

Back to your question. Yes, “no matter what you do a lot of them show up in the gif function on Tumblr”, that is true and that is something I was aware of when I saw you-know-who announcing they would be starting 30 days Psychonauts challenge. So, hating to see my gifs used against my will, and not wanting to start any unnecessary drama and threaten people in advance with reporting them if they do use them, I’ve made my blog as private as I could. It was only accessible through the dashboard, it was not showing in ANY search engines inside and outside tumblr, and my gifs were impossible to find through insert-gif function – I’ve made sure. I did all that cause I just knew that during those 30 days, someone would use my gifs and I would get mad and I desperately wanted to avoid that (hence going extreme). And you know what happened? You know what creator of this challenge (who prevously already reposted my gifs) did? *drums* They used my shit anyway. :3 They just uploaded it from their computer, where they’ve saved it earlier.

And like… a lot of people see pretty pic and decide to save it - I mean, we all do that. Heck, even I have a folder full of shit I saw online and liked it – but i’m not uploading it online cause I haven’t made it. It’s not mine to share.

But some people are not like that.

Some people see fanart of something they like and they want to share their opinion on it – and instead of making their own post, maybe drawing the fanart themselves, they decide to use someone else’s art for their post. Do they know who made it? Do they have creator’s permission to share it? If the answer is NO, then they should be a decent human being and not do that to creators. Oh, they shared it anyway but now people in fandom are calling them out BUT this actually happened on accident? They know who the creator is but, somehow, they accidentally forgot to credit them? OK, well, it’s possible, shit happens, but they better make sure it doesn’t happen again.

Then sometime later these same people decide they want to make a post appreciating their fav character and they want to include pics cause duh, you can’t have character appreciation post without pics, right? Now they have several options: they can get their own screenshots, make their own gifs, maybe draw something… or they can just take someone else’s creation. Do they know who made it? Well there’s my fuckin name on it, and since they’ve stretched it from 245 to 500px, it’s really hard to miss, plus it’s not like there are that many people making Psychonauts gifs. Do they have permission to share it? Hmmm, nope, didn’t ask me. Is this also an accident? Could be. I mean, I’ve seen stranger things happen, so accidentally forgetting to credit content creators twice… kinda suspicious but still possible. Who am I to say?

Now if these people then decide to make a post appreciating their fav ship and they want to add a cute pic of the loving couple – yup, you guessed it! They can either create something or take something. Again: they know who did? They asked for permission? Got the permission? No?!?! But they posted it anyway?!?! :o Could it really be, that after being called out publicly, after being told that reposting is bad (something that’s very easy to understand), after even having tumblr staff intervene and remove stolen shit from their blog, after all that - could it really still be an accident?

Nah, man.

They just don’t give a shit.

Cause if they did, they’d stop with that crap first time they were called out.

(and if you think Psychonauts fandom is their only fandom and that they’re not doing this crap in other fandoms too - hoooo, boy, do I have some bad news for you! Do you know how many stolen and butchered HP fanart is on their blog? Hobbit stuff? They seem to be one of the most accident-prone users on tumblr. And honestly - it’s a real miracle their blog’s not been terminated.)

Back to what I was talking about - I’m not okay with people using my gifs and I’ve made it very clear. I literally do not give a shit if I’m credited or not, I’ve made it very clear that I don’t want my gifs used without my permission. If you like them and want them on your blog, there’s a fuckin reblog button. It’s sole purpose is to allow you to share other people’s creations. Or shitposts, cause lord knows we all love those.

So that’s why when someone spends hours going through my Psychonauts tag and goes as far as to send me “I love your gifs” anonymous message, but the very next day makes stim moodboard post including one of my gifs, now cut and resized to fit 3x3 format they’re going with, I get mad. And that’s why when someone uses one of my gifs to promote their RP blog, butchering it to fit their aesthetics, and later when confronted going as far as blaming their good friend on it cause god! they’ve had no idea it wasn’t theirs, I get mad. (makes you wonder though: if they friend has such skills, why not making them gifs themselves?)

Like…. I’ve had my gifs stolen plenty of times. I’ve had them stolen for roleplaying, for headers, for imagines, just for notes… I’ve had them stolen by people claiming to run official fan sites (that’s a real wild story but I won’t get into that now)… I’ve seen them on pinterest, weheartit, FB, all those random gif sites… and I’ve seen EVERY. POSSIBLE. EXCUSE. ranging from: “well i found it on google so why should i credit you” “lol dunno who made this but its pretty so im posting it” “ive had it on my computer for years so i don’t remember where i got it from” “i dont know how to make gifs so im using weheartit as a source” “credit to whoever made this” (that’s my fav) to “its just a gif so who gives a shit” (it’s not – it’s hours of creator’s time and lots of love that you’re now shitting on so thanks) and “i have an /illness/ and getting notes makes me feel better so dont u dare blame me for stealing” (I don’t remember exact excuse but it was something along those lines and like… how do you even respond to something that without looking like an asshole?).

And sometimes it really is just an accident. Sometimes people really do forget to credit you and/or ask you for permission. And I’ve had my fair share of those accidents. People in Psychonauts fandom have been using my gifs for various crap but, when approached, they’ve removed it and apologised. And it’s something I really appreciate. (if they actually bother reading this and they recognise themselves: i’m really grateful and thank you for not being an ass)

But you know what I don’t appreciate? People making a call out posts about me, asking about my gifs when they know very well they’re the main reasons why I’m not making those gifs anymore, at the same time failing to address any of the issues I have with them and instead rather explaining to others what happened BUT explaining only the parts that make me look like a villain cause how I even dare be mad about them stealing? How I even dare call them out on it? That is so ridiculous and criminal of me, and it’s so so sooooo bad that they need to call me out. I deserve to be called out by the very same person who’s been stealing my shit.

And their explanation is…well… it’s something.

They were sympathetic and polite? When did this happen? Did I completely missed that part? Please someone fuckin enlighten me with such post/message where they expressed their sympathy and politeness and I’ll apologise right this second.

I told them to “literally fuck off”? Yeah, that did happen, I admit that. Did they bother explaining why I told them to fuck off in the first place? Did they say they were caught stealing from me and had tumblr stuff remove my shit from their blog? Did they get into details of how they demanded the proof of my so very wild and obviously false claims but then when I showed it, they just deleted that “how dare u call me out cause I would never do such thing” post? No, they didn’t and geee, I really wonder why.

Instead, what did they choose to address? Out of all the things I’ve said. Hm? What did they choose? Me telling them to fuck off. Me dropping the F-bomb on them, rudely rejecting their obvious kindness and politeness. Nothing else.

Back to what I was talking about before I got derailed again: no, I’m not mad cause this person used my gifs without crediting me. I mean – I am, but that’s not my main issue with them (and they know it). My main issue is that this is someone who will continuously lie and steal and still deny any of it, even when there’s plenty of proof (and you can always count on me to show up with proof tbh), and then go as far as to publicly ask about my gifs and try to call me out. Like me getting mad that something I’ve put hours of work into, and something I’ve made cause I love the game and I want to share my love and appreciation for it, is now being shared against my will and my knowledge - like me getting mad over something like that is so unreasonable that they need to make an entire post about it while pretending they have absolutely no idea why I’m even mad and why we have issues.

And I have every fucking right to be mad. 3 times is not an accident. 2 times to the same person is not an accident. They know it. But yeah, playing stupid is their defense so it’s not like I expected them to actually address their actions this time either.

And you know what? Just because I swear a lot doesn’t mean I’m wrong. Doesn’t mean there’s no solid ground for my claims. People on tumblr have always been and always will be stealing shit. Sometimes they will credit you, often they will not, and that’s just how it is, doesn’t matter if you’re okay with it or not. But that doesn’t mean I’m just gonna sit quiet and accept someone’s shitty behaviour. Especially when it’s directed at me.

TLDR: giving credit =/= having permission

but my previous posts leading to this ask were not about that

you knew that already

#psychonauts #this is a lot longer than i expected #meh #also: all those posts are now under one tag #so you don't have to check my blog 4 times per day #that hobbit reposter #my psychonauts stuff

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qqueenofhades · 6 years

Text

So after the spate of high-profile celebrity suicides recently, and the short-lived discussion of mental health that surrounds them (kind of like the way the gun control debate appears for a week after a mass shooting and then vanishes), I have had some probably disconnected thoughts that I finally felt like putting down somewhere (and honestly, I had most of this post typed up and then tumblr deleted it, so... round two and Fuck You Very Much Tumblr). I briefly thought about putting it on facebook, but a) fuck facebook, I’m barely on it anymore, and b) everyone that I care about is either or also here. So I guess it’s once more using the big blue hellsite as a diary, because I was awake until 1am last night talking to myself about this, and writing is how I work things out.

As ever, please do not feel obliged to read the post or whatever else, especially if you’re uncomfortable with the themes/subjects discussed. Again, it’s essentially for my own benefit and trying to organize things I’ve wanted to say, as a long-term sufferer of depression and anxiety who is also having a really tough time now, and how I see that reflecting on what’s happening both with me and the wider world.

Anyway.

I feel like my main reaction is one of weariness that so much of the response is “get help if you’re struggling! Reach out! Call someone! Things will get better!” Which is... helpful in its way, and I genuinely believe that the people reblogging suicide hotline numbers and “don’t kill yourself” posts and so on really want to help. I am not one to point fingers at anyone who really wants to reach out and do something to make a difference. But that’s also it? We’re barely getting to the place of recognizing depression as a legitimate problem and not stigmatizing people who have it (hah), but to me, it sounds so much like “well, I know you have two broken legs and can’t stand upright, but you should still go walk to the clinic and ask them to help you.” Again. Important. But why is so much of it centered around the assumption that the depression sufferer has the responsibility to go on an individual basis and try therapy or meds or whatever, while the mental health services that even exist are being slashed? While some people seem perfectly happy to talk about how mental health is the problem, and not readily legal assault rifles and a culture of white male entitlement and grievance), and the assumption remains that we can just treat depression on an individual, ad hoc basis, rather than looking at it systematically.

We’ve had a ton of studies and research showing that depression rates are way up, that a lot of people identify as having anxiety and mental issues and are messed up out the wazoo (which frankly, I think most of us are), and then the attendant “everyone’s a snowflake, buck up and take it on the chin!” backlash, because frankly the world is horrible and society sucks. (This opinion is sometimes subject to revision, but still.) Honestly, is this any surprise? When we’re in collapsing late-stage capitalism that has basically utterly fucked everyone born after 1980, we live in this awareness that things are systematically and unbearably evil and oppressive but the vast majority of us have no ability to do anything about that, and birth rates and marriage rates are declining because people (completely understandably) don’t want to bring children into this nightmare of a world and are realizing that traditional ideals of marriage and sexual morality are BS.... I mean, are we surprised that people just don’t want to live in this world anymore? When I find myself worrying about the idea of taking on another student loan (another of the basic commodities that it has become expected that you’ll go tens or hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt for) and then am like, “well, there’s a less than zero chance that Western civilization collapses in my lifetime/the next ten years, and I’m going to die in debt anyway, so...”, there’s a sense of surreality and almost despondency that we’re able to know more than ever how shitty things are, but again, can’t do anything about it. Again. We can’t fix depression by telling people individually to go try therapy or whatever else. It doesn’t get at the reasons that so many of us just can’t stand the world anymore.

I feel like I’ve settled well on my belief that people, even if often beholden to centuries-old bullshit and tribalism and prejudice, are individually good, often amazingly and soul-sustainingly so (I’m not joking when I say that I would probably be dead by now if not for the kindness of strangers and friends, including many of you who I’ve met here), but society and the overall structure is pretty much rotten. We find ways to manage, to exist, to ameliorate, to distract, and I am honestly delighted for the people who can live more or less happy existences despite everything, have found a way to do that. Again, this isn’t a “don’t go to therapy!!” sort of post, because yes, if you’re depressed, you have to decide whether and how you want to get better. But sometimes you just can’t fucking do that. You just exist this way and you know how it is and it becomes sort of familiar and accounted for.

I’m lucky to be a mostly high-functioning sufferer, who has lived with long-term and chronic depression and anxiety since at least the age of 18 (and probably, through most of my childhood as well), which has left me latently suicidal, physically fucked up, mentally exhausted, and emotionally isolated for my entire adult life. But I’ve also managed to hold jobs and complete several advanced degrees and get out of bed and put on makeup and keep my commitments and so on and otherwise outwardly resemble a normal person. So I then read posts about people who can’t get out of bed or even brush their teeth, and I start wondering if I “really” have depression or it’s just an excuse or I’m a weak person or just broken somehow else. Which is 0% helpful and is the bad brain talking, as I recognize. Looking at me from the outside, it feels like you wouldn’t guess, which also seems to be a theme with the celebrities who died. They always seemed happy and well put together and confident, until they didn’t. I turn 30 this August, and feel about 800.

And yet. I have made the choice to live, and I have continued to make the choice, and I have learned that I have a lot of strength I didn’t know I did, and I am proud of that. But I also read a post by someone I otherwise admire and whose work I really like, about how you can’t ever have the life you want until you take suicide off the table as an option, as if you can just choose once to live and not think about it again. And I just am like... how? I’ve made it before and I’ll have to do it again, but god, I wish with my entire heart that I could just make it once and not look back. I wish I could ever be confident that I could say without qualification that I want to live more than I want to die. Because well, I DON’T want to die, not really. I find things that make me happy and that give me small joys and distract me and which I enjoy. I still have a lot of things I want to do (even while feeling I won’t get the chance) and feel like it would be stupid to die because my brain doesn’t work. So I’m still here. I’ve never made a serious attempt to kill myself, and I obviously hope that doesn’t change. But it remains in the back of my head, the idea that I just wish I could switch off for five years and come back and find that things have somehow worked out. Which obviously is not the way it works, and you don’t get to temporarily go away. But this world is so hard and so tiring to live in, and sometimes it gets to me.

As for the getting help part -- I’ve been trying to do that myself recently. Go to counselling services and the university support centre and whatever else, even though it causes me anxiety to the point of physically messing me up. It feels like being drunk or hungover or just off balance and unable to see or breathe normally. I convulse in bed at night and wake up just as tired when I went to sleep and just don’t feel like I run correctly. And this is from a relatively high-functioning person who isn’t trying to stop herself (at least currently) from suicide, but just enough to keep her going. I can’t imagine what it would be like to be a person depressed to the point of being unable to get out of bed, told to call someone or reach out or whatever else. That’s practically inhumane. We live, for better or worse, in a Western “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” culture that puts the onus on the individual to fix their own problems. When honestly, the collective society that exists right now is a toxic, oppressive, and impossible one that keeps chewing up people from every walk of life and which nobody with the actual ability to do anything about it seems to want to change. Encouraging individuals with depression to seek help is nice, sure. But until something fundamentally and permanently changes in society and how we view our obligations to each other and what we are willing to do to help and to change this culture that tells you you’re responsible for your own illness, people are going to keep dying from depression in droves, and everyone else is just going to figure we’re weak. Or there will be a short-lived mental health awareness campaign, and nice things will be said, and then it will be back to business as usual. Because man, are we good at burying our heads in the sand for any number of things.

The choice to live doesn’t usually have the luxury of being made once and then never revisited. You have to do it yearly, monthly, weekly, sometimes even daily. And frankly, I don’t blame anyone who feels that the cost-benefit analysis doesn’t really add up to staying here anymore. I’m here certainly in part because of you here on tumblr, who have indirectly (and sometimes directly) saved my life. You have talked with me on text or email or in person for years, have read my fics and thought of things you wanted to tell me and sent me nice messages and otherwise made me feel less invisible. Your kindness has been often what has sustained me, and made me decide that I’d rather be here than anywhere else, and given me what little faith in humanity I have left. And one of the reasons I write all the time (books/fics/asks/metas/papers/theses/projects...etc) is because I literally cannot stand to live in my own head if I don’t. I do love creating things and am happy that people enjoy what I post here, and it’s a major source of pleasure and distraction for me. But I also do it because I will literally cease to function (in what limited capacity I have) if I don’t. I have to do it in order to live with myself and this monster at all, and that is also tiring.

Overall, we’re all fucked-up people with a very dark sense of humor, whose compassion and conscience is about all we have going for us, and we just have to try to cling together and do for each other what we can. And god, I’m grateful for it. I have a lot of financial terror right now in addition to everything else, and am looking into the aforementioned student loan for short-term stabilizing (limited work rights are a Bitch), and I basically paid my rent last month because of you guys. So yeah, you’ve made the difference for a stranger on the internet being homeless or not, and I have no idea why, but please know that it means more to me than I can ever say, and I hope to give back what I can.

(I also still have a Kofi account, while I’m trying to get things under control here, so... again, entirely up to you.)

I’m not sure how I will make it to December and (supposedly, ha) my PhD graduation, let alone after that. I will probably have to choose to live again several more times between now and then, and then again after that. I hope I can continue to do that. And I hope I can talk to you, both if you need someone to listen and whatever I can do for you by that, and if I do the same.

If you’ve read all the way to the bottom, mazel tov.

#hilary for ts #personal #tw depression #tw suicide

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sage-nebula · 6 years

Note

Honesty hour: did you ever have a crush on someone you knew online only?

Yes, and because I was young it was a whole ordeal.

So the story goes:

When I was around thirteen or fourteen I joined a writing website (primarily for original fiction and poetry) that was . . . honestly not filled with work of high quality, despite its name. But I didn’t care about that at the time; I was a young teenager who had been writing seriously for a few years (I started really working at it when I was about ten), and I was excited to join a site where I could post my work online and have it critiqued by other writers. It was there that I met someone who would become a long time friend, a boy who for the purposes of this post I shall call RB.

RB was a couple years older than I was at the time, so about fifteen or sixteen. Anyway, the point is, he was an older teenager and he really liked my work. And incidentally, I also really liked his; he ended up pretty much giving up on poetry as he grew older---he got more into physics and astronomy---but I still think he had real skill for it. His poems were great. We hit it off and began talking over AIM (yes, this was that long ago), and he was there for me during a lot of the more difficult parts of my adolescence (i.e. when I was still living with my biological mother). I think that my friendship with him really helped how I turned out.

In any case, about a year and a half to two years into the relationship, I realized that I had a pretty big crush on him. I had moved in with my father by this point, and at some point I confessed that I had this crush on him over AIM. If I remember correctly (and this was well over a decade ago, so bear with me), he said that he had a feeling that I had a crush on him, but that he only saw me as a friend. I took it in stride in our chat, but in actuality I was heartbroken and I cried quite a bit. First rejection, and all that. But I didn’t want to lose him as a friend, so we kept talking anyway, and things went back to normal . . .

. . . uuuuuuntil a few weeks after that, wherein he told me that he’d had a dream about me (nothing sexual, minds out of the gutter, people), and that he had lied about not having feelings for me in return because the distance between us (he lives in another country) would make it impossible. I was really hurt and upset that he lied to me, and I told him so, and he said that I had every right to be upset. In any case, I was so upset that I said that I couldn’t date him, at least not right then, so again, our friendship continued as normal.

I can’t remember the specific order of events that happened after that. I know there was an incident where he unfriended me and blocked me on AIM out of nowhere, and I got so incensed by this that I actually dug out a calling card and called him on the phone to get him to talk to me (yeah, we had exchanged phone numbers), and our friendship got back on track again after that. I also helped him with numerous relationships he had, including one where the girl was pretty emotionally abusive (thankfully, he got out of that). But we never did date and my feelings for him faded anyway. In any case, I discovered recently that he had unfriended me on Facebook again, which kind of hurts considering that we were friends for like . . . fifteen years. But in fairness we hadn’t been talking regularly, so that’s fine, I guess. I still wish he had dropped me a note first (RB, seriously, we talked about this, on the phone), but I’m older and more mature now, so I’m willing to let it go if that’s what he wants. (Since, again, we weren’t talking regularly.)

But yeah, I did have a crush on someone I only knew online, and I was young and inexperienced with dealing with feelings (and so was he despite being a couple years older than me, smh), so it was a whole ordeal, haha.

(do not reblog, please)

#somegiantmess

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arcadefloorvibes · 6 years

Text

Dear tumblr

Sit down, grab popcorn and a blanket because I just got back from the second actual leadership camp and I swear to god i cannot stop smiling

First up i took notes on my phone for the first night then didnt even bother the second because i was so fucking tired

Also I'll be doing the same formatting as last time which is each day is a post with reblogs if it doesnt fit

Okay? Okay.

Bus ride

Okay first up, it was fucking pouring so there was none of the usual talking outside

I put my stuff in the bus and get in the bus and find a spot

Now I know some peoples crush tells are stuttering, can't talk in front of said crush and all round can't focus, my best friend is the same

My crush tell is actaully wanting to socialise with them more and I become more of a social person

Meaning it's literally impossible for anyone to be able to tell when I have a crush on them

So I go up and sit next to him by choice this time

It was him or sitting awkwardly with a bunch of girls talking about stuff I don't understand nor care about

We talk about some general stuff, we drive past my house and because I knew most of the highway I pointed out stuff that I thought would be interesting which it was

Now because this is Friday night everyone's kinda tired so he's kind of starting to nod off which I am perfectly fine with because I'm just running on the adrenaline of actually talking to him when he says this

"I feel like you're kind of leading the conversation a bit" which to be honest I kind of was "Considering the fact I know you aren't really a socialable person, I've noticed you tend to talk a lot easier with me."

Shit gets real when even he's noticed

Btw exact words

I just kind of made a joke out of it

I remember just kind if continuing it him mentioning that he had read Maze Runner (OMGOMGOMGYAAAAAAS) and him liking "The Greatest Showman"

For the rest of the camp if we were just sitting and waiting he would sing songs from it

Now I haven't watched it but he sang "This is Me" and all the other songs he sang fit the same sort of theme

Also I want to say I am typing this whole post on a Samsung Galaxy note and this thing is fucking huge so i apologise for any typos

It did get to a point where if you looked out the windows all you could see was darkness and he made a joke out of hiw we could easily be transferring dimensions

Cue half an hour talk about interdimensional travel and whether there are more dimension that our brains cant even think of

We are massive nerds i know

(Also i used a GIF correctly I'm so proud of myself)

Dinner and literally everything afterwards

All of this camp i hung out with Laurence

Seriously i amaze myself

Dinner was pasta and garlic bread

Thank god i ate before i came i don't like garlic bread and pasta serves were minimal

After dinner was a game of human battleship

Which Laurence did an amazing job at even when he got out

He always wears a hat (i think they're called fedoras hold on googling... yeah fedoras) and whenever the cannonballs/ a pair of gloves flew over the tarp he frisbeed the hat to catch the gloves

Didnt get stopped until we were down to 8:4

We won

Afterwards was trivia which we both sucked at considering it was celebrity gossip for most of the questions

I only helped with answering who wrote walzing matilda (Banjo Patterson)

We lost because we had points deducted for having phones out

*deep inhale* TURN OF YOUR PHONES THEY LITERALLY REPEAT THIS RULE CONSTANTLY

Okay glad i got that out

we would have won too

No matter the winner got to go canoeing the next day and i know i would have fallen in

Walking back to the cabins we both noticed a giant chess set

We love chess

Plans to play chess the next day, done

I was seriously excited because that meant i got to spend more time with him

We found a couch randomly lying in the hallway and no one seemed to have either moved it or wanted it so Laurence took it up to his room

It was one of those one seater couches

I got ready for bed slightly disappointed i didn't get to say goodnight properly

I was not disappointed to see him standing in the hallway afterwards waiting for me to come out to say goodnight

I spent way too long overthinking about everything that night

There also was a moment at dinner where I mentioned that I almost wasnt going to able to make it diue to scheduling issues where he replied with

"I'm glad you made it, I enjoyed your company"

Three hours of going over that one sentence on whether that was just a friendly thing or something else

I seriously like him no other crush has me analysing sentences like this

Welm that is the end of Day one and its almost midnight and I'm exhausted so I'll write more tommorrow

Also as requested @cubedtriangle i will tag you for these

These will be under both the Laurence stories tag and the new LC2

Which stands for leadership camp 2

Well i guess I'll write tommorrow

Maze Girl out

(God its been a while since I've written that)

#maze girl #dear tumblr #aaaah #crush #Laurence stories #LC2 #this is worth risking getting my tumblr caught

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gwacko · 6 years

Text

i’ll have u know its been over a MONTH since my dear friend @jantotrash tagged me in this but i am a finisher and also really wanted to do this so here we go

im not tagging anyone bc whoooo knowss whose done it but im so happy to do this what excellent questions

1. Favorite panel moment?

oh god.................... listen yall asparagus man is A Lot bc like listen. its not that funny!!! but john and eve just lose their goddamn shit like!!!! too much. also tho eve screaming “im not drunk” before she and john make out always makes me laugh, as does john and eve angrily marching off stage when being “spoiled” abt ianto dying hsjhsjkhdshdkh. anytime they talk abt countrycide bts but esp eve and the wedding and gareth and the bell. and there are def more im forgetting abt lol

2. Favorite/most memorable Torchwood tumblr post (awful or otherwise)?

listen................................................................. okay. actually my favorite isnt a post actually its the old blog @torchwoodisananagramfordoctorwho which would reblog the multiple multiple posts daily that would fill up the torchwood tag on here (idk if they still do but i never see them so) like it took something that was like. tiring and made it soooo funny and i think of it very fondly

3. Favorite logo? (keeping this question because it’s great)

hsjkhjkhkash i dont know if im remembering this correctly but i think there’s on the basketball hoop so if so that?????? if not the car one is literally a classic that makes me laugh every time

4. Favorite Janto moment?

what a ridic thing to ask a person oh god. uhm. so this is weirdly personal but the “to the last man” kiss was the first time i ever saw two ppl of the same gender kiss and it had a very profound and direct effect on me as a kid that lead to me addressing my ingrained homophobia and discovering my own sexuality AND ALSO its just the MOST BEAUTIFUL KISS IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD. more subtly, when ianto is going up the elevator at the end of coe: day 1 and that Eye Contact....... god..........

5. Favorite Torchwood episode?

countrycide! fuck me up with that dark shit!

6. Least favorite Torchwood episode?

just how random ARE those shoes????

7. Which cast member of Doctor Who/Torchwood do you most want to meet?

AHJKhjkhjakjHSHJKH UHM I MEAN. gareth. but i dont know if emotionally and spiritually i could so next up is eve shasjkhajshjk (including dw billie and freema would come before eve tho)

8. What is your favorite unanswered question concerning Torchwood?

i mean “favorite” is an interesting word. where’s myfanwy is a big one i think abt a lot, also any explanation for rex at the end of mday would be nice

9. When did you start watching Torchwood?

summer of 2010, i was 11 and it unironically changed my life

10. Favorite Torchwood audio/book/radio play?

oh god i mean broken is incredible and i will never ever listen to it again as long as i shall live. oddly enough i adore first born, i think its a really good book not even bring into account torchwood. i also really liked asylum and ghost train.

11. Favorite Torchwood character?

uhm. gwen and ianto and tosh and jac- impossible question, i’m declining it

#FUN TAG GAME #pac.txt

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xenosgirlvents · 7 years

Text

Response (cont.)

I recieved a response which was rude enough to other people that I felt a need to respond to it. However, my efforts to ‘reblog’ it so far have failed as each time I click ‘Reblog’ nothing would occur. Since I’m not technically gifted and thus doubt I’ll figure out the problem, or if it even has a solution, I’ll post my response to it here anyway. To be clear, to the person who sent this, I don’t mind you insulting me, but I’ve seen you insulting others simply for their names on this site and I feel compelled to respond if you are going to be behave like that.

This is what I am responding to;

”Ok, at this point the argument has actually gotten ridiculous. Saying that in the fluff Xenos “don’t pose a credible threat” is absolutely, without question, utterly supported, and saying that the beast arises doesn’t support it is insane. The Imperium is almost destroyed. Terra is almost destroyed. The imperial fists are wiped out. The entire might of the imperial navy can’t stop them. They lose multiple worlds to the orcs, including several important hive worlds. If you read The Beast Arises and come out of it with the impression that the orcs aren’t a credible threat… that’s… completely insane. This is past the point of a discussion and now into complete and willful ignoring of facts. You’re upset that the Xenos haven’t won major engagements, when almost every major engagement has been an existential threat to the Imperium! You’re saying that they’re not a credible threat? Of course they are. Tyranids without number barely being stopped, orcs almost taking one of the most important sectors of the Imperium, which is STILL in a state of war over it (and its relatively close to Terra), tau constantly expanding, winning multiple major victories. Nimbosa, taros, the list goes on. And when the Eldar use the Imperium and manipulate them to help birth their god of death as part of their endgame plot against slaanesh, they’re completely discredited by you as a “imperial plot device.” The problem isn’t the authors devaluing Xenos: it’s YOU. And your argument treats them like this is some tally game where only major campaign wins can make something a credible threat, and that was after you moved the goalposts from your original statement. And to read the Beast Arises and come out of it saying that orcs aren’t a credible threat, or were shown to be weak, is utterly insane. And now we’ve hit a number one pet peeve which is why I’m now irritated by this irrational argument that willfully ignores fluff and discredits the skilled authors who make the universe: When you say that you’ll try to change the fluff where you can. You are not entitled to someone else’s intellectual property. You admit to wanting to take someone else’s product, someone else’s artistic endeavor and thing that they create, and change it because you don’t like certain aspects of it. That’s just nuts. LUCKILY, there’s a new worldwide campaign coming up, where GW and it’s writers are actually allowing fans to have some say. Want to see more Xenos wins? Go out and earn them. Just like Armageddon or medusa V. The fact that you’ve come out of reading these books with such a twisted view of not only the events therein, but wanted to change someone else’s product just because you don’t like the fact that Xenos aren’t the main, primary focus, explains a lot, frankly. You’re CHOOSING to be negative and take away negative views on things. What’s worse, is I can’t believe the little echo chamber it created. Hell, one person even said “this is why I don’t read much official fluff and make my own.” What the actual fuck. All of this is just another exercise in whatthefuckedness.”

Now my response;

Is this really necessary? It seems to contain little substantive content and just amount to a lot of namecalling.

No the argument has not gotten ‘ridiculous’. You’ve made several inaccurate points and resorted to the use of insulting language, but nothing of the points being made so far are ridiculous.

Xenos don’t pose a credible threat from a narrative standpoint. They’ve lost every single major engagement against the Imperium, the Imperium has continously expanded, no major Imperium world but Cadia has been lost in 8000 years and the Imperium has remained the dominant hegemon with no losses of major wars for over 9000 years. Hence not a credible threat.

The Beast Arises series saw the Orks lose, again. The Imperium in fact did so well that it only took them a single century, which is very short by the timescale of 40k, to recover completely. The Imperial Fists were reconstituted within a single book, shortly after their destruction, making even that loss recuperated near instantaneously within the narrative.

Name the major worlds lost to the Beast Waaagh. I know of no worlds considered major lost to the Beast Waaagh.

There is no wilful ignoring of facts occuring here. You need to detach yourself and observe what actually happens. What actually happens in The Beast Arises is that all Orks unite to attack the weakened Imperium, fail to conquer or destroy a single major planet, destroy the Imperial Fists briefly and then are utterly defeated. Shortly after (1 century) all the damage done has been undone and the Imperium is once more expanding and growing. Meanwhile the Orks lost all their most powerful leaders and their Homeworld. For a second time. That is what happens.

Furthermore you seem not to be remaining consistent. For example; ”You’re upset that the Xenos haven’t won major engagements” Correct. “when almost every major engagement has been an existential threat to the Imperium“

But this in no way amends the problem as you yourself correctly identified above. The problem is ‘the Xenos don’t win major engagements’. Hence your attempt to act as if this is resolved by your second statement makes no sense as you still have not demonstrated the Xenos winning major engagements. Now on to the next part where you rattle off some points; no major Tyranid or Ork victories are listed by you, simple more defeats and one inconclusive war. Nimbosa has been reconquered by Black Templars, Taros was explicitly a back water planet and not a major engagement and the Eldar did not manipulate the Imperium to give birth to Ynnead. Do you not know how Ynnead was born? The Imperium is not involved in its birth at all (in a purposeful way) except to successfull foil Eldrad’s initial attempt despite his best efforts to stop them.

I am doubtful of how much you understand of the Ynnead plotling if you think the Eldar manipulated the Imperium into giving birth to it. Furthermore the Ynnead plotline has been completely descredited as it has been usurped into a vehicle which only existed to create a new plot hook for the Imperium.

Since this is a narrative it is, of course, to an extent a tally game. The same is true of real life.

Furthermore I have moved no goalpost, you yet again seem to simply be replacing actual substantive counter-arguments against me with insults with no basis.

We all try to change fluff by expressing likes and desires. If you wish to stick true to your position then you’d have to be willing to never say anything about any story or creative process ever other than ‘it is what it is’. By simply engaging with a narrative property, forming likes, forming dislikes, purchasing certain things over others, supporting certain things over others we automatically enact pressure to change. So of course we all exert efforts to change Fluff in 40k, that is standard for any narrative one participates in.

I choose nothing but to report how things are and to make clear what I dislike and do like and respond to debate there over.

You also seem to think that people agreeing with something = echo chamber, which is a completely baseless assumption as, by that logic, automatically the moment two people agreed on something, according to you, it’d amount to an ‘echo chamber’ making consensus as a process impossible, leaving me confused as to how you engage with discussion.

I have no idea what ‘whatthefuckedness’ is, but I highly doubt this is an exercise in that at all.

Furthermore I find your proclivity for insulting or harmful insinuation abhorrent. If I am honest most of what I have said here in this post, besides my opposition to your purposefully offensive behaviour, has been repetition, so I’d request that before bringing up points next time read carefully through what I already had said since oft times I simply repeated things already discussed.

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toraonice · 8 years

Text

Yuri on Ice interview translation - PASH! 2017/03 (p11) (Q&A part)

Here’s the Q&A part that was published with the episode commentary and I didn’t have time to translate the other day.

Regarding the question about Chris’ acquaintance, you may want to read the report of the other day’s talk show to get a more complete idea.

(Side note: I still haven’t had time to answer some of the questions I received, please wait a little... I will also work on the very long interview with Kubo on the magazine Febri from tonight. Interview rush this month, really.)

***If you wish to share this translation please do it by reblogging or posting a link to it***  ***Re-translating into other languages is ok but please mention that this post is the source***

Mitsurou Kubo presents Q&A exhibition!!! We asked Kubo-san about curiosities that didn’t fit the commentary, in a Q&A format.

Q. Why is Victor cold to JJ? A. He genuinely doesn’t care (LOL). He doesn’t even remember JJ’s name correctly, but that’s because he is the type of person that doesn’t try to remember things he isn’t interested about. It’s not like he’s looking down or him or doesn’t get along, he really just doesn’t care. Until this point we hadn’t clearly shown Victor not being interested in someone, so I was thinking about a character who wouldn’t feel hurt even if Victor didn’t care about him… and realized that it could only be JJ. In fact, he wasn’t really bothered.

Q. What is Victor to JJ? A. I think he is someone he has to challenge. The type of person he wants to confront and beat when they’re both in their very best condition. He would never want to win because Victor is in a bad condition or just out of a slump. More than admiring him, I think he wants to be his equal rival. And he believes that if he does his best he will get the gold medal. Therefore, to avoid looking at Victor like someone who is no match for him, he takes the liberty of speaking with him in that overfamiliar way. But I think that JJ is currently the one who is fighting against the fear of losing more than anyone else. It also looks like he didn’t really have a good relationship with his previous coaches and people didn’t understand him.

Q. Is Victor worried about the “whorl” of hair on his head? A. More than Victor, this is something many Russian people care about. Though in Victor’s case I think it’s more like his hairline than the whorl (LOL). But I think that having such a weakness makes him a fascinating person. Before the FS in episode 7 Yuuri even presses the top of his head while a large audience is watching. In this scene I wanted to do something that people wouldn’t actually do in the real figure skating world, I had fun drawing it.

Q. We want to know more about Otabek! A. In his private life he is also a DJ, and he’s kind of a street style guy. He actually has many mischievous friends. That’s why he finds Yurio really cool, because he has so many things that Otabek doesn’t have and admires. And he’s also the type who doesn’t give importance to hierarchies, so Yurio was happy that he wanted them to be equals. So you figure what happens when he asks him “will you come or not?”… (LOL)

Q. Who is the handsome guy always together with Chris? A. He’s a man from the Swiss Skating Federation. I created him because I didn’t want Chris to feel lonely (LOL). I’m not going to say anything about what his relationship with Chris is, but we believe that he’s a former ice dancer that belongs to the Federation.

Q. We want to know some secret anecdotes about the last episode! A. When I wrote the storyboard, I added “They say Katsuki is retiring.” as a subtitle. For Victor’s line I also considered “the ‘katsu’ in ‘Katsuki’ is the ‘katsu’ from ‘selfish’!*”, but I thought “nah, Victor is not that good at Japanese” and I didn’t use it (LOL). Also, in the storyboard there was a scene where Yuuri, before skating, is trying to tell Yurio that he’s going to retire but in the end isn’t able to tell him. But there was no time, so it was cut in the anime… [*translator’s note: “Selfish” in Japanese can be said “jibunkatte” 自分勝手, where the kanji for the “kat(su)” part is the same kanji as the “Katsu” in “Katsuki” 勝生. I’m glad she didn’t use that because it would have been impossible to translate properly… though Victor does still use the word “jibunkatte” in the episode. Also, in the end they are supposed to be speaking in English together, so yeah. By the way, the subtitle she originally thought, which in Japanese is “Katsuki, intai suru’tte yo” is probably a reference to the title of the novel “The Kirishima Thing” that in Japanese is “Kirishima, bukatsu yameru’tte yo” and was adapted into a movie. The ’~tte yo’ wording has kind of become popular after that.]

Q. How did you decide the way Victor cries? A. I drew it so that Victor’s tears wouldn’t stream down his cheeks but “drop from the tip of his eyelashes”. Sometimes people who aren’t used to crying do not move their facial muscles and don’t wipe their tears, so they just trickle down. The way Victor cries is something I had already roughly sketched in a meeting with the director.

Q. Why didn’t Phichit talk to Yuuri about his dream? A. I think the reason Phichit-kun still hasn’t talked to Yuuri about his dream of holding an ice show in Thailand is that he too wants to surprise him. They have this kind of relationship. I think that all skaters, even if this time they couldn’t achieve their best results, are thinking about what they can do to create a skating world that they can enjoy even more than now, and about what they can do for their home countries.

Q. Why does Michele speak in the Hiroshima dialect? A. In the setting he is from Naples and speaks English with an Italian accent, so to express that I decided that he would speak in Hiroshima dialect.

Q. Tell us how you feel now that the series is over and about the future! A. I am very well aware that you are all hoping for a continuation of the show, and with director Yamamoto we always talk about what we would like to do if we ever have the chance to work again with the staff that has gathered to make this series. We still do not know if a “St. Petersburg arc” would be the best. However, it’s definitely not something that I can do alone, and to draw this series again we would need to collect a lot of information and find many new things. It wasn’t a series that was possible to create just inside my head. But we must create something convincing, otherwise people are not going to follow us, and it wouldn’t come true. More than anything, the thought that we might not see Yuuri, Victor, Yurio and the other characters again makes us sadder than anyone else. Actually, I’m going to go on a trip abroad with the director soon (LOL), and we are planning to talk about the future too. I hope we have time to discuss carefully about what lies ahead for “Yuri on Ice”, and I’ll be happy if you keep on supporting us in the meantime.

#YOI #Yuri on ice #translation #interview #commentary #pash

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messrsmemoirs · 7 years

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do you think Remus ever forgave Severus? i mean he said he did but how could he? (this is about the last post you reblogged)

I’m such a poor ask answerer that I’ve forgotten which post this was. I tried to go back and find it but I ran into Remus’ birthday marathon (90 posts, I think) and... I realized I tend to leave asks a little too long. Whoops. Sorry! So that just means you’ll be getting a broader post about a couple more Snape-Remus incidents, to really tackle the issues of Forgiveness.

To answer the question most openly and honestly, no, I don’t think Remus forgave Snape. There’s a lot of significant things happening between them over the years, and I think Remus tried to. I do genuinely believe that he tried, that he wanted to be the person that could and that perhaps he even told Harry that for more than just appearing to be the mature Adult. I think part of that is trying to also reaffirm to himself that it happened. But Remus is one of those people who has struggled in a particularly subtext way: I’m betting he’s had his fair share of “Get away from me werewolf”, (sorry Ron), but I’m willing to bet even more that on top of that is a layer of, “Yeah I don’t think we can hire people like... that.” It’s easier to be cruel behind the scenes. Remus suffers prejudice and poor reputation before he opens his mouth. And he tries to cement a few times that it hasn’t affected him, that the world can keep on pushing and that he’ll keep on chugging. But... let’s be honest: he’s a little bitter in his heart.

“Dumbledore wanted a spy, and here I was... ready-made.” HBP16.

“This time tomorrow the owls will start arriving. They will not want a werewolf teaching their children, Harry.” PoA22

These are little examples of the ways Remus doesn’t openly speak of his experiences, but they are hinted at nonetheless. Up top, he’s not mad at Dumbledore. He’s bitter that Dumbledore’s right--that he really is the man for the job that he really doesn’t want. That he’s already a werewolf, so why shouldn’t he be the one to go and face the others of his kind, something probably traumatic and triggering--or at least disturbing and uncomfortable for Remus, a man who straight up abhors anything wolfy let alone werewolfy. And the second? He just knows without having to think about it how mothers and fathers will react to him: the same way job makers do when he applies for a position, the same way landlords do when he applies for a lease. Hell, half his conversations in OotP are about how it’s impossible for him to find a job, and even the werewolf bitten in the ward is getting scared looks a full two weeks before his first transformation. Remus constantly pushes himself down, degrading his accomplishments and personal character, describing himself as a monster when we know he’s a kind, loving, brave, fiercely loyal and intelligent man. But nonetheless, he’s been beaten and brutalized mentally so much that he’s internalized it and he happily does it to himself, too. That’s not a happy man. That’s a bitter man. Remus says otherwise, but his words speak the truth for themselves.

To keep with that, Snape has never treated Remus particularly well.

He snapped his fingers, and the ends of the cords that bound Lupin flew into his hands. “I’ll drag the werewolf. Perhaps the dementors will have a Kiss for him too--”

“Don’t ask me to fathom the way a werewolf’s mind works,” hissed Snape.

These are minor quotes from right around the same part of PoA as the above. Look at the disdain Snape has for Remus--not even as a person, but as a creature. Snape doesn’t say, “I’ll drag the professor,” or, “I’ll drag Lupin,” no--it’s: “I’ll drag the werewolf.” “Don’t ask me to fathom how a werewolf’s mind works.” In other words, “Remus Lupin is not a man, he’s a savage beast who doesn’t even think like a human because he isn’t one.” And I’ve got several things to say about “drag the werewolf” too, but... I won’t. Not here.

Anyway.

Snape and Remus may have had their childhood quarrels, which explains Snape’s personal dislike. But during PoA Remus tries more than hard to maintain a civil relationship with his colleague, save the incident with Neville which I’m willing to write off was more to really deflate Snape in Neville’s mind than to straight up humiliate Snape, who by then had already spoken to Dumbledore about not hiring Remus at all and who was making wolfsbane potion for Remus anyway. Remus had had 12 years to distance himself from Snape, and he probably didn’t want to start stirring the pot on day 1.

At this point, it’s arguable whether Snape has done anything that really warrants forgiveness. Remus and Snape haven’t seen one another in 12 years, and I’m sure there are incidents we don’t know about. But the one we do know of is the most important one from that period: the Shack incident, in which Remus was seen by Snape and Snape was forced into secrecy. I sincerely doubt that Remus would actually hold this against Snape in any way. Remus knows Snape has it out for him. Remus expects the behavour our of Snape. And everything would have gone as normal if it weren’t for Sirius. Sirius is the one at fault here, not Snape, and I don’t think Remus felt any lasting resentment for that. Rather, I think he felt fear at having his greatest weakness handed to his worst enemy by a friend. I would argue that even knowing Dumbledore had bidden Snape into secrecy that Remus lay awake at night in terror of what Snape might do with that information. And I further argue that Snape probably made Remus’ life a living hell when he could, using that specific information. Just look at what he does 12 years later as a grown man: the infamous “turn to page 394″ business. It’s no secret that Snape was trying to get the students to figure it out, and quite actively. He was trying to get someone to shun Remus for him, because he was tied by some darn red tape into being a decent person and keeping his mouth shut.

But this doesn’t prevent Snape from spilling the beans by the end of the book, of course. And this is the first of the larger-scale things I would argue fall under the “forgiveness” umbrella, because while I think after having been loose on the grounds, arguably an understandable accident but dangerous nonetheless, that Remus would have resigned anyway. He knew that was an unforgivable error on his part, accident or no (not that he sees it that way, though) and that he didn’t want to allow the possibility to manifest ever again. Resigning was the right choice. Now, Dumbledore didn’t fire him, either. Formally, Remus quit. But Snape went ahead and told the entire school about his dirty laundry anyway. Snape outed him to the students, who outed him to their parents, who outed him to the larger wizarding world through gossip and outrage. I’m sure there was a Prophet article, and even a controversy about it. But the thing is, Dumbledore convinced the Minister of Magic himself that Remus was trying to save their lives that night. So Snape, outraged about the loss of his Order of Merlin, took it upon himself to “accidentally let slip” that Remus was a werewolf. At breakfast. In front of the entire school.

And Remus?

Lupin shrugged. “The news would have leaked out anyway. We both know he wanted my job, but he could have wreaked much worse damage on me by tampering with the potion. He kept me healthy. I must be grateful.”

Except that Snape was under orders to make the potion, obligated by potential murder charges and job loss to make it correctly, and Remus is essentially saying, “Sure, he cost me the best and most stable job I’ve ever had, but at least he didn’t poison me.” I mean, Snape did want to have Remus’ soul sucked out of his mouth and all, too. But Remus has to be grateful. What’s worse is that Remus believes that he has to be grateful, too. Sure, he says, he and Snape will never be bosom buddies. Too much history with Sirius and James and Severus. But at least he didn’t poison me.

I probably didn’t explain this in the best way, but think of it all like this: Remus thinks he deserves that kind of treatment, or he isn’t surprised by it. He expects it. But that doesn’t mean he’s not affected by it, doesn’t mean he doesn’t have to live with the realities of what Snape does to him. And that doesn’t mean that he isn’t privately bitter about it, because as we’ve seen he is affected profoundly by the life he’s lived. Whether he goes, “I hate Snape” or not, I don’t think Remus forgets that Snape has that part to play in the way his life has unfolded. I don’t think Remus is angry about it, but that doesn’t mean he forgives Snape even if he expects it. Remus trusts Snape because Dumbledore trusts Snape. That’s enough for him. But I don’t think they would actively work together without that tie to bind them together. I think Remus probably feels that Snape is a largely unchanged man, and I doubt he would honestly go to Snape for help unless he was going to die, and then he’d half expect to be laughed at, die, and have Snape kick his body off his doorstep like a man flicking something disgusting off his shoe. How can Remus not feel a level of resentment? Even if he wants to be the bigger man and say, “yes, I have forgiven him,” I don’t think that’s completely true. And I think that’s okay, that that’s human, and it’s especially so that Remus is trying to get himself to forgive. It’s astonishing, really. But I still think that there’s a pocket of underlying resentment that really stops it from becoming completely true, if that makes sense.

And I had more thoughts on this so I may edit or reblog and add more, but alas my free time has ended and now I have to cut it short here. So anyone else, feel free to add on to this or start a discourse or what have you.

Like what you see? Help make it happen. Give me things to write about! Or, buy me a coffee! Ko-fi.com/messrsmemoirs

#snape hate #i... guess #i mean i kind of lay it on thick but i'm trying to show things from the remus perspective and snape was not nice to remus #or to anybody really #but uh... yeah #so i'll tag as snape hate i guess #remus lupin #text #mine #Anonymous

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fleeting-phantasm-blog · 8 years

Text

Trick Question: An Undyne & Papyrus Friendship Fic

(A second version of the post without the gift recipient tagged / my obnoxious yammering--for a cleaner reblogging experience :3c .)

Rating: G, All Ages (occasional language) Characters: Undyne & Papyrus Genre: Friendship, Fluff AO3 Link: Right here~

Summary: Guard Captain Undyne is used to taking new recruits under her fins—so much so, that she’s gotten pretty good at discerning what type of soldier the greenhorns are likely to become even long before they’ve finished basic training! But when Undyne throws her latest student for a loop, he, in turn, throws all of her expectations right out the window. Whoopsy doopsy! (Gift for Tumblr user “battz” as part of the Undertale Dating Sim team’s secret santa exchange :3)

Let me start off by saying I’ve learned two very important things recently: 1. That my never-ending patience actually ends after midnight; and 2. When opened with enough force, my front door can launch a fully-grown monster a distance of about a hundred meters—give or take.

…

Okay, maybe add a third to the list: Skeletons are just as durable as they are persistent.

* * *

If someone wants to join the Royal Guard but feels they need a little extra help preparing for the intense entry process, the Underground has tons of options they can take advantage of if they so choose. We’ve got dojos, cram schools, personal trainers, you name it—each and every one licensed and verified by yours truly.

It used be that the Captain of the Royal Guard never got involved this early on, but I fixed that real quick. The Captain should be personally aware of everything at every stage, and they should be both accessible and approachable in case a problem shows up. Like, if there’s an issue at one of the prep schools, or if recruitment numbers suddenly take a nosedive, then that means something’s gotta change—possibly at a very basic or public level. And who better to kick start that change (or prevent the problem from happening in the first place) than the one who, basically, should be the most public face in the entire Guard.

At least, that’s what I think.

To this end, I’ve personally sat in on junior training exercises and given lectures; I’ve dined with recruits who passed the entrance exams on their very first try, and I’ve shared drinks with those who failed ten times in a row—but, dammit, let’s knock back a few and forget for a bit, ya hear?! I’ve also sat down with dozens of ordinary citizens who, though not shooting for anything like the Royal Guard, were just plain sick of the way their lives were going and wanted to turn things around.

I guess what I’m trying to say with all this is that even though I’ve earned an “official” title that affords me a lot of “official” privileges, I’m not about to turn my nose up to the average Joe. The Captain’s duties should go way beyond the fancy suit of armor, and I’m going to make sure it stays that way long after I’ve passed the position on and become a crotchety old pile of dust.

…That said, though, this is the first time over the course of my entire career that I’ve had the pleasure of working with someone of Papyrus’s—what’s the word—magnitude? This guy had the brass balls to bypass every proper, kingdom-accredited training method and bring his (nonstop) requests for “personal Guard preparation” straight to me. No hesitation. No concern for schedules, socially acceptable phone call hours, or even personal space. Rain or shine, there he was—a bony bundle of enthusiasm.

So when Papyrus unsurprisingly bounced back from his 3AM express trip across my lawn care of my front door, I don’t know if it was more exhaustion, admiration, or an overwhelming sense of concern for his well being that finally made the Captain of the Underground’s Royal Guard throw in the towel.

“Alright,” I said. “If you think you can handle it, I’ll run you through the ropes myself.”

And, covered in the muck of Waterfall, his smile could have powered a city.

* * *

I’d like to say Papyrus showed up bright and early for his first session, but that’d be a lie: He never left. I guess camping out in the yard was way more efficient than walking the short distance to and from Snowdin, and “A future Royal Guardsman has to be as efficient as possible. Right, *~*~*Captain Undyne*~*~*??”

I made my coffee extra strong that morning.

Once our start-time rolled around, I stepped out of my house to find Papyrus ready and waiting—albeit, looking all sorts of goofy with his chest puffed to his chin and his arms firmly glued to his sides.

“You can relax a little,” I told him. “This is off-record. I prefer getting to know people without all the stuffy formalities.”

“Yes, Captain Undyne! Right away!” But of course he didn’t relax until I realized he wanted me to say “at ease,” and when I did, he giggled the whole way out of his special form of attention as if it was the best thing he had heard in his life. Then, blatantly ignoring everything I had just said about formalities, he promptly asked, “Captain Undyne? Permission to inquire as to why you are not wearing your armor if we’re going to be sparring?”

“Uh… granted?”

“Why are you not wearing your armor if we’re going to be sparring?” The dude was seriously raring to go, his weight bouncing slightly from leg to leg like some kind of boxer on a sugar high.

“Slow your roll, there,” I said with a laugh. “If you wanna pass the entrance exams, then there’s more you gotta worry about than just the physical.” From under the crook of my arm, I pulled out a ratty old folder filled to bursting with a whirlwind of papers. “You see, a good Guardsman not only knows how to fight, but when to fight, why to fight, and even if to fight. The twenty-page written exam makes sure all our candidates are aware of this—along with knowing a bunch of Underground laws and other general information. We’re gonna start with that so we can get it out of the way. Just think of it like… pulling a tooth, or something. Painful but necessary.”

Yet, when I tried to give the documents to Papyrus, he held up a hand and politely refused.

“Oh, I’ve heard tall tales about that dreaded test,” he said. “But I can assure you, Captain Undyne, that you won’t need to waste even a second of your precious time on helping me study. I’m a walking encyclopedia when it comes to the Royal Guard.”

Classic greenhorn confidence. Seen it a million times.

“Really now.” I challenged. “Then how ‘bout I ask you a few questions just to make sure?“

Contained within the folder I brought were all sorts of documents I had saved over the years: copies of Guard reports and case files, a few book scans, lists upon lists of various laws and definitions. It was a great big pile of organized chaos that I not only used as a constant reference but also willingly shared if one of my units was struggling with some of the more… technical aspects of the job. Some of it you could find in textbooks; others you’d have to go digging through the bowels of the courts to snag even a scrap. For a solid fifteen minutes, Papyrus and I went back and forth, with me tossing out what I thought were the most impossible questions I could find in an attempt to catch that rookie’s pluckiness of his off-guard.

“That’s an easy one, Captain Undyne! The Magic Conservation Act was signed into law by our very own King Asgore Dreemurr, in the Year of Our Dog 19XX.”

Okay, good, he got the year right. Most people miss that.

“Anti-Human Directive 10? That depends: Do you mean the original or the amended second edition?”

Wait, there’s a second edition?

“The Research Division? Why, that’s a special squad assigned to escort the Royal Scientist during important, castle-mandated fieldwork.”

Hang on, that’s not even public knowledge. I formed that group last week because I was worried about Alphys!

I slapped the folder shut, stunned. “Well, roll me up in rice and serve me with a side of soy sauce.”

“Did I win?!” Papyrus chimed. “Permission to ask if we can spar now, Captain Undyne?”

Somehow, by the grace of whatever crazy being drives this world, Papyrus answered every single Dogdamn question correctly. I didn’t know if I should shake his hand or file for a restraining order. Still, if he was so eager to jump into the fray, then I needed to be absolutely sure of something—that he knew the most important answer of all.

“Listen,” I said. “The reason you’re doing all this is so you can become a Royal Guard, right? You wanna get a cool suit of armor, make a name for yourself, maybe kick a few humans in the keister?” Papyrus nodded with so much vigor, I thought his skull would fall off. “Then, before you can even think of crossing spears with me, I need you answer one last question.” His nod that time was a bit slower. His expression grew solemn, showing that he understood this was important. “Papyrus, what is a Royal Guard?”

“What is a…” He tilted his head to the side, brows drawing together as he mouthed the question.

“…Royal Guard,” I repeated, assuring him that I did, indeed, ask the question correctly. “The individual, not the group—if that’s what you’re wondering.”

“Right. Yes. That’s… what I was wondering. Thank you, Captain Undyne.” Papyrus’s voice trailed off into a mumble. He looked to the cavern walls, tapping the ground with a foot as the two halves of his jaw ground together in thought. There was honestly something deeply satisfying watching him fish for a response after he conquered my Q&A session. Finally, after some intense contemplation, he found one—or, rather, a series of them: “A Royal Guard is… someone employed by the Royal Guard? Wait, no. A Royal Guard is a living extension of our king’s righteous paw! Or, well, I suppose you could say that about a lot of things. A Royal Guard is—I’ve got this, Captain Undyne, I swear—is someone who has passed stringent tests and is officially licensed, under royal decree….”

And so on, and so on.

Once Papyrus realized his twisty little spaghetti strand of answers wasn’t getting him anywhere, he stopped talking and just kinda stared at me. Then, all at once, the confidence he built up over the course of the afternoon deflated from his body.

“I’m sorry, Captain Undyne. I guess I… I don’t know the answer to that.” He slumped over so far his voice was muffled in that weird costume of his. The poor guy probably thought he just ruined everything. I couldn’t help but walk over and give him an encouraging pat on the back.

“Well, that’s no good,” I said. “It’s hard to become something if you don’t even know what it is. Still, you’ve got time to figure it out. Study up, and see if you can find the answer. Once you do, we’ll move on to some actual sparring, okay?”

This time, when I handed him the folder, he actually took it.

* * *

Anytime I train someone, I’m reminded of what Alphys once said: The more you observe something, the more you start to notice patterns in its behavior, which then makes it easier for you to form a hypo- … hippoth- … Basically, you hang around something long enough, you get better at predicting what it’s gonna do.

For folks like Papyrus, experience has told me that I have to be a little careful when working with them. I’ve seen his personality type before: a naïve go-getter filled with all sorts of shiny fairy tale dreams that he hopes to live out if he gets into the Guard—which is fine; I’ve got some pretty faffy dreams myself. It’s just, when it comes to his particular type of personality, I’ve learned over the years that their spirits tend to, well, wilt when the going gets tough. Not always, but often enough. That’s not to say they don’t make excellent soldiers, though. The ones who’ve made it through and come out on top are some of the best damn Guards I’ve had ever had the honor of working with. They have this goodness inherent in them that’s getting more and more difficult to find these days.

Unfortunately, in this line of work, that genuine goodness is also getting more and more difficult to keep. When folks like Papyrus join up and realize what real Royal Guard life is all about—when “niceness” becomes “weakness”, when they’re constantly faced with the worst of society… with all the injustices in the world that don’t have easy answers (if any at all)—then that goodness starts to falter. Give it enough time, it rots into bitterness and then anger, even hatred. I’ve seen it mark the faces of many of our veterans. I’ve even struggled with it myself.

That is exactly why I didn’t want Papyrus to jump in to combat training as quickly as he had been hoping—and, probably, why I didn’t agree to train him right away. The most I knew about him before all this began was what I had heard from his brother, Sans, and even that was enough for me to form a conclusion. That first day of training only solidified it: Papyrus is too good. Too nice. In the most beautiful, wonderful sense, Papyrus absolutely does not belong on a battlefield, and I will be damned before I put him there.

I thought starting with the written portion of the entry exam would give Papyrus a good idea of what we do and how I work before he got a taste of the real serious stuff. My plan was to spend a week or two drilling him with questions, grilling him for every wrong answer, and ensuring he learned his stuff through the only way the Guard knows how to teach it—with no punches pulled. Maybe then he would realize, before he got too invested, that this might not be the life for him. That he could back out with no hard feelings and discover a ton of other options just waiting for someone like him.

Then, his uncanny knowledge of Royal Guard matters both public and highly top secret oh my god flushed that idea. Immediately after Papyrus’s first session, I found myself scrambling for a new plan of action.

I needed to know more. If I could learn more about him, maybe find out some of the things he liked to do, I could sort of… nudge him away from the Guard.

Maybe.

I was never good at subtlety, but it was worth a shot.

So, that week turned from “Let’s Learn About the Royal Guard” to “Let’s Learn About Papyrus Instead”—under the guise of teaching him more about the Guard, of course. One day, I took him for a tour of the castle grounds. The next, I showed him around the barracks. The day after, we grabbed a bite to eat at a popular Royal Guard pub in New Home. The whole time, I took a backseat during our conversations and let Papyrus do what Sans said he does best—talk about himself.

And, wouldn’t you know it, it worked.

“You’ll find that my magic is kind of like yours, Captain Undyne, in that it mostly takes the form of projectiles. You’ll also find that it’s not like yours in that it’s really popular with certain … canine types. I’m not sure why.”

“…So, there they were, trying to gang up on Sans. But then—and this is the best part, Captain Undyne—then came the Great Papyrus! Wham! Bam! Thank you, ma’am! We never saw those troublemakers again.”

“…And that was third time I had to swoop in and prevent a giant brawl. All because he was too lazy to give up his special seat at the bar. Can you believe that, Captain Undyne? Who knows what might’ve happened had the Great Papyrus not been there? Sheesh!”

Outside of his countless tales of personal heroism, (all of which held about as much water as Hotland), a common trend across Papyrus’s discussions was his brother…

“Let me be the first to apologize for Sans’s laziness, Captain Undyne. Once I become a Royal Guard, I swear I’ll work three times as hard to make up for his churning void of inactivity.”

…And that got me thinking. Clearly, Papyrus was the type who loved to do things for others. Sure, he complained when “others” meant “Sans”, but it was obvious he still got a kick out of it beneath all his grumbling. If I could steer him towards something like that… something like cooking… cleaning… some kind of job that allowed him to use his talents for the sake of others… then….

It was towards the end of the week that Papyrus gave me back the folder I loaned him.

“I’m sorry, Captain Undyne,” he said. “I read everything in here front-to-back, but I’m afraid I still couldn’t find the answer to your question. And while these conversations have been incredibly enlightening, they, too, have led me no closer to the truth.”

I chuckled. “Well, it’s not exactly an easy question.”

“To say the least. You’ve posed a real stickler, Captain Undyne. A puzzle capable of japing even me! But, if it means you’ll train me in Royal Guard combat, then the Great Papyrus will never give up.” He flashed a confident smile. “So, I talked to some of the Guards myself to see what they thought.”

As it turns out, during the times we weren’t hanging out, Papyrus was running around asking every damn Guard he could find what they thought it meant to be a Guard, and when he pulled out a list of responses that unfurled all the way to the ground, some teeny tiny part of me might have started to think that maybe there was a better way of doing this.

“Were… any of those the right answer, Captain Undyne?” Papyrus asked, once he had read off each and every one. “Don’t tell me it was ‘Bark’ the whole time. Otherwise, I may have to rethink my opinion of Lesser Dog.”

And although I had suddenly learned more about my own guards in the past hour than I had over years of working with them, all I could do was shrug. Papyrus still didn’t get it.

“P-permission to ask for a hint?” His face was the picture of disappointment.

“Do you get hints in the heat of battle?”

“…Yes?”

I shook my head with a laugh. “Chin up and keep working, Papyrus.”

* * *

That weekend, my routine patrol turned up some disturbing news. Papyrus refused to leave his house.

“Eh, sometime yesterday he started moping around. It got so bad, I actually had to go out and buy our groceries. He’s giving even my laziness a run for its money.” Sans’s signature grin only widened, as if this behavior of his brother’s wasn’t something incredibly worrying. “But I always knew he’d grow into his true calling. He’s kind of a late bloomer.”

With that frightening thought in mind, I marched myself right over Papyrus’s place and pounded on his front door. Once, twice, three times. Yet there was no answer.

“Papyrus?” I called. Still no response. Is he in his room? I rounded the back of the house and peered up. A shadow moved behind the second floor window of Papyrus’s bedroom. Bingo. I balled up a wad of snow in my gloves and tossed as lightly as I could. Sure enough, the hefty thump was loud enough to draw a bony white face to the glass.

“Captain Undyne?” Papyrus opened the window a smidge. “What are you doing here?”

“I should be asking you the same thing,” I said. “What’s going on? Sans says you’re being quite the lazybones.”

“What? That is not true!”

I shrugged. “Well, whatever it is, it’s weird and it worries me, so I’m not leaving until you come out.” He made as if to protest, but I cut him off. “Papyrus, I’m wearing four layers and am fully trained in survival tactics. Also, there’s a general store down the street. I will wait as long I have to.”

He couldn’t win, and I think he knew it. With a sigh that fogged up the glass, Papyrus disappeared from his window. Not a minute later, I heard the front door open, and I met him on the porch. Dude was a mess. I mean, dark circles under his eye sockets, definitely-did-not-sleep kind of mess. The whole thing gave me a prickle of déjà vu.

“You were thinking about that question again, weren’t you?”

Crossing his arms over his chest, Papyrus seemed to fold against the doorframe. “Captain Undyne, should I really be aiming for the Royal Guard, when I, apparently, don’t even know what a Royal Guard is?”

Oh. Oh boy. Here we go.

Well, it was what I wanted, wasn’t it?

But I didn’t think he’d be this upset!

He really put his all toward this, didn’t he?

What was I thinking?

I…

“Follow me,” I said. “Class is taking an emergency field trip.” When Papyrus didn’t budge, I pulled out my trump card. “Captain’s orders.”

* * *

At the garbage dump between Waterfall and Hotland, there’s a particular place I like to go to whenever life gets me down and I just need a good think. It’s a small hill overlooking the cascades made up of a bunch of appliances that have all rusted together into one big pile of Dog-only-knows what. It’s just close enough to the tourist-y parts to let me keep an eye on everyone while still far enough away to provide a little bit of peace. It’s where I first saw Alphys.

It’s also where I took Papyrus.

Carefully, I hoisted myself up onto what was left of a washing machine. Papyrus plopped down next to me and, staring at his lap, sat there absentmindedly kicking his legs in the air. You could practically see the rain cloud hovering over his head.

“Permission to ask…” He stopped himself. “Um, why are we at the dump, Captain Undyne?”

“So you can see what a Royal Guard is,” I said. “At least, to me.” That seemed to perk him up. He straightened slightly.

“What do you—”

“—Hey, close your eyes, listen for a bit, and tell me what you hear.”

Papyrus did so. “Well, okay. Let’s see … I hear the sounds of the river. I hear bits of trash falling into the water. Oh! I also hear the Great Papyrus.”

“Anything else?”

He listened again for a minute. “…Kids. I think I hear kids.”

Sure enough, a group of tiny voices—the usual crowd of mischief-makers; I could tell—gradually rose above the din of the dump.

“Whoa, check this thing out!”

“What is it?”

“It looks like one of those human game machines. Yeah, see? You use these buttons to move what’s on the screen.”

“Does it work?”

“I dunno. They probably wouldn’t have thrown it out if it did. I can ask my cousin. He knows all about this kind of stuff because he uses lightning magic.”

“But wait, we don’t have any games to go with it.”

“Oh yeah. Well, maybe there’s some nearby. Let’s keep looking.”

The kids carried on like that for a good while, buzzing with excitement over all the things they had found. It was only after they had gone did I turn to Papyrus again. “What do you make of that?”

“Sounds like they were having fun.”

I nodded. “Right? But isn’t it a little strange? I mean, think of where all this stuff came from.”

“…From humans,” said Papyrus.

“Exactly. The very things that killed our ancestors, drew us into an unwinnable war, and then stuffed us all into the Underground. The very things that, even though we haven’t seen one in-person for years—thank Dog—are still part of our society.” I held my arm out over the mountains of trash. “They’re in our classrooms, textbooks, and museums. They’re in our picture books, our TV shows, our homes. They’re even in the far corners of our dreams. For what it’s worth, those kids shouldn’t want to associate with this stuff at all. They should be scared of it. But they’re not. And you know why?” I stood up on the washing machine and gave Papyrus the best grin I could muster. “Because they know they don’t have to be; the Guard will protect them.” I took a breath. “There’s no telling how long we’ll be stuck down here, so the best thing we can do is make sure everyone sleeps soundly today without having nightmares about tomorrow. That, to me, is a Royal Guard: someone who keeps even boogiemen away.”

Papyrus had grown quiet. I wasn’t sure if he was just listening—or if he was surprised, stunned into silence, or what—but his expression, unreadable though it might have been, told me he was hinging on my every word. So, I went on.

“You see, you can memorize facts and protocol until your brain bleeds, master every fighting style known to monster, work your way up to a spot higher than that of even the King … but it all means jack if it doesn’t serve a purpose; if you don’t have a reason, a goal, something that gets you up in the morning and pushes you to do what you do even when every fiber in your body is telling you to stop. For a Royal Guard, well, that’s what makes a Royal Guard.” I gave him a nudge with my elbow. “And that is something you have to define for yourself, Papyrus. Nobody else can tell you the answer.”

Having said what I wanted to say, I took a breath and let my words sink in. Before Papyrus got too involved, before he decided to throw his life—his goodness—out into an uncaring world, I needed him to fully understand: A Royal Guard is what he makes of it…but it shouldn’t be about the gear, the status, the parties, the semi-legal ability to use semi-lethal force… It should be something greater than himself, greater than even the Great Papyrus.

“I’ve got it.” Papyrus’s voice wrenched me from my thoughts. “I know what a Royal Guard is!” He stood up and, once again striking that dorky pose with his hands on his hips, proclaimed to the Underground, “A Royal Guard is someone who makes the world a little safer for those who are small and don’t have a lot of HP!”

That… was quick. I whistled through my fangs. “Nice! I dig it. A ‘protect the weak’ kind of person? That’s totally you, Papyrus!”

He fidgeted and flushed straight to his forehead. “W-well, I don’t know if I’d necessarily say ‘weak’. On the contrary, Sa—”

Unfortunately, the sudden addition of Papyrus’s full weight, coupled with his now excited jitteriness, had loosened the washing machine’s age-old hold on the mountain of trash. With the explosive creaking of corroded metal, our former seat sent us tumbling to the ground atop an avalanche of household appliances.

Again, like I said before, skeletons are just as durable as they are persistent. Fortunately, the same can be said of fish as well. Soaked in nasty water and garbage, and surrounded by a mob of concerned onlookers, we laughed and laughed until we realized our guts hurt not from laughter but from possible internal bleeding.

* * *

As we walked back from the dump that day—two bruised and bandaged peas in a pod—Papyrus had his head tilted to the sky, and his steps seemed doubly as sure of themselves. Yet, watching him saunter about in that overblown stride of his, I got the strangest sense that, for the first time in a long time, Papyrus had finally, truly begun to relax.

Now, if only he could teach me how to do that.

Not gonna lie, I was still worried about him. Like some neurotic, different-species mother, I knew deep down I was gonna worry about him and that brilliant goodness of his ‘til the day I was six feet under. But, I also knew that if I stuck to him like glue, if I became the best Captain I could be…

No, wait, scratch that last bit…—

“Hey, Papyrus? Before we start your training proper, I need you to do one last thing for me.”

“Oh, I don’t know if I’m ready for another tough question just yet, Captain Undyne.”

“It’s not that, ya dork. I need you call me ‘Undyne’. No more of this ‘Captain’ stuff, okay?”

“…”

“Remember what I said? Formalities get in the way of getting to know people. I mean, unless you call all your friends ‘Captain’ because, if so…”

“What?! No, not at all! It’s just, you really want to be my… friend?”

“Why not? I think we make a pretty cool team.”

“B-but I’m not a Guardsman yet! I haven’t been trained in honorable combat! I haven’t even—”

“—Papyrus.”

“Yes, Capta-, er, Undyne?”

“Permission to be your friend?”

“P-p-p-p-permission granted!!”

…—If I became the best Friend I could be…Then, maybe, I wouldn’t have to worry about him quite as much.

#next day reblog #(well maybe not technically lol)#(it was supposed to be but I forgot pffff)#undertale #undyne #papyrus #trickquestion

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