#also insane that they made a song called peace and love and i’m not obsessed with it considering i say that phrase literally every day

[ignorancelive]

realized i never posted my thoughts on rotdc. it’s good 👍🏼

[yuyuntianyu]

[2HA analysis blog] To love you is torment but leave you I cannot

I wanted to write this (hopefully not-too-long) blog to give 2HA fandom a different perspective of the events in the past timeline. I noticed that there are many little things that could not be carried over to the English language. These little things can give more explanations to our characters’ actions so I hope sharing this would help the novel make more sense. This blog focuses on Taxian-jun and Chu Fei.

Warning: Spoilers ! ! ! Taxian-jun and Chu Fei are their own trigger warnings ! ! !

Despite the novel having 350 chapters, we really know little about what happened between Taxian-jun and Chu Fei besides the abuse and mistreatment and that little is relayed to us by the Most Unreliable Narrator of the Cultivation World - Mo Ran Mo Weiyu. If we only take Mo Ran for his words then a lot of his and Chu Wanning’s decisions told later on would seem irrational and almost silly. So let’s dive deep in the past so we can understand how the great cultivator Beidou Xian-zun could raise such a dumb husky since the events in the past would explain the more irrational decisions made by both main characters.

Given Mo Ran’s narrator is about as reliable as his character in the first 120 chapters, we have to look at other more subtle clues and some of them are due to cultural and linguistic differences.

1. I used to like you a lot

At his coronation day, Taxian-jun stated that he once greatly looked up to Chu Wanning and that he used to love and respect him dearly. Maybe I am reading into this too much but this is my theory: The flower could erase the memory itself but cannot erase the feelings associated with the memory. He had his memories of the good deeds Chu Wanning did for him erased but still remembered that he used to love and respect him. It doesn’t make sense unless it is indeed that the flower could not erase its host’s feelings. So throughout the novel, Mo Ran’s complicated emotions are complicated possibly because he could not remember how he came to have these feelings. Similarly, Hua Binan could mess with the undead Taxian-jun’s memory to a great extent but could not erase his obsession with Chu Wanning.

2. I gave you a new title

Chu Fei. 楚妃. In the Imperial Chinese harem hierarchy, “Fei” means consort and not concubine (嬪 “Pín"). Consorts were highly respected positions in the palace weidling much political power and were only seconds to the Empress Consort. Another major difference is a consort would be married to the emperor while a concubine would not. So if Taxian-jun had truly wanted to only humiliate Chu Wanning and keep him for the carnal pleasures (I am intentionally ignoring his breeding kink completely), he would keep him as a concubine but he gave Chu Wanning the Consort title and hid him from the world. At this point, Taxian-jun had almost lost Chu Wanning once and had spent a lot of effort to bring him back from the verge of death after hearing Chu Wanning’s apology so his anger might have softened a bit. Also, given that Chu Wanning is a man, having a legitimate offspring ( (I am still intentionally ignoring Mo Ran's breeding kink completely) is not an issue so although this is not clearly stated, I believe Taxian-jun wanted to force a relationship and somewhat proper marriage on Chu Wanning. Another hint of this is in an Extra chapter where Taxian-jun tried to get Chu Wanning a birthday gift. He recalled that in his past timeline, he had wanted Chu Wanning to give him something on his birthday as well and that he had wanted Chu Wanning’s heart.

3. Shizun likes to write letters and poems

On Book 3 Chapter 247, Chu Wanning sat down and wrote a few unsent letters to the people he used to know. He also wrote a few lines of poetry. In the first few lines taken from different literature works, he expressed his sense of helplessness and his wish to remain untainted despite the circumstances. The more important two lines are from a poem written by a real poet named Fàn Chéngdà ( 范成大) who lived in the 12th century Southern-Song dynasty. The two lines read:

“May I be like the stars, may you* be as the moon. Night after night, may we shine together side by side.” **

*In the original work, the character used instead of you is “jun” 君 (as in 踏仙君 Taxian-jun). 君 could mean king, emperor, lord, or gentleman ** This is my rough translation - I haven’t found an English version of this poem

These two lines are commonly used in romantic novels as a way to express one’s unchanging love and loyalty to another person despite the circumstances. He compared himself as the stars and wanted to remain by Taxian-jun whom he viewed as the moon. Chu Wanning wrote this to express his willingness to stay but he would never voice this out loud. In the next timeline, he did the same thing by quietly loving and caring for Mo Ran 1.0 despite the mistreatment and was content with never expressing his feelings vocally. Mo Ran was rather uneducated and thus could not fully comprehend these two lines and misunderstood that Chu Wanning was missing Xue Meng.

4. You are all I have left

In chapter 252, after Chu Wanning returned to The Red Lotus Pavilion, he found Taxian-jun already waiting for him. Taxian-jun told Chu Wanning about a dream he had and said:

“I am afraid I don’t resent you… I want to resent you… Otherwise, I…” “In the end, it’s just you and I”.

This is not the first time he expressed that Chu Wanning was all he had left or they only had each other. I believe that at this point, Taxian-jun might have somewhat believed Chu Wanning and recognized that his memories were missing. His words and behaviors seemed a lot more gentle and he mentioned they did have periods of time where their marriage was easier. I believe it was after this point. He told us about the numerous times he attempted to spoil his consort or expressed his affection through gifts, a trip outside the palace, goods, jewels, and even teaching Chu Wanning how to cook or personally taking care of Chu Wanning when he was sick. At one point, Taxian-jun expressed his wish for a more peaceful marriage with Chu Wanning through his breeding kink by saying that if they had children, perhaps they would be more civil towards each other.

Edit: I really wanted to go about this blog without having to refer to their particular taste in bed

5. Are you still mad?

This is a smaller detail but in the original text and the Vietnamese official translation, the way they talked to each other had a bit more of the “husband-wife” dynamic. Especially Chu Wanning ( l┐(︶▽︶)┌ ), the comment section said he sounded like when your wife is mad that you didn’t take out the trash but still says: “I’m not mad” and Taxian-jun, the husband, would come around and ask “Are you still mad at me?” after every fight.

6. I did not think you would really leave me.

On Chapter 99, Mo Ran recalled the fight between him and Chu Wanning after an assassination attempt. In order to convince Mo Ran to not go to Taxue Palace, Chu Wanning said:

“If you destroy Taxue palace, if you kill Xue Meng, I will die before you”.

Now the line “I will die before you” in my language is less of a suicidal ideation but more of a threat. It's used when a person already knows that they are important to the other person and is using their own death as a threat to make the other person do something. This line is thrown around a lot during heated arguments between people close to each other but they almost never mean it. (Even my mom said it numerous times before T_T . I personally think it’s manipulative). Therefore, it is understandable Taxian-jun did not take this line seriously and replied almost mockingly. After all, they had been married for almost a decade at that point, Taxian-jun probably felt somewhat comfortable that Chu Wanning would not do anything reckless. He could not foresee that Chu Wanning meant what he said and actually followed through with his words. I believe that if Taxian-jun had known that Chu Wanning was serious, Taxian-jun would not have gone to Taxue Palace. 7. Don't leave me, ok?

Then Chu Wanning died and Mo Ran spent two years alone. In those two years, we know he basically went insane because of grief, talked to a corpse everyday, and deep fried his Empress Consort. But strangely enough, Mo Ran 1.0 did not immediately mention this after being reborn although it was the main reason he committed suicide. And at that point, it had been well over a decade since Shi Mei faked his death in the past timeline, yet Mo Ran 1.0 seemed to still hold a lot of resentment towards Chu Wanning. Also, he said he could accept Shi Mei’s death but would never accept Chu Wanning’s. So honestly, it did not make sense to me the first time I read the novel and I believed Mo Ran resented Chu Wanning for a different reason.

The answer was first hinted at in chapter 9 when Mo Ran scolded the sleeping Chu Wanning. He called Chu Wanning a donkey hoof (lol) and this is actually an idiom to scold someone who is disloyal and unfaithful in love. The puzzles came together when the undead Taxian-jun showed up and immediately went after Chu Wanning (and not Shi Mei). He believed Chu Wanning used his death to hurt him and was angry at Chu Wanning for leaving him. This is the resentment Mo Ran 1.0 carried over to the next timeline. He hated Chu Wanning for abandoning him. This is solidified in chapter 262 by the undead Taxian-jun pleading to Chu Wanning:

“Don’t betray me” “Don’t leave me the second time. The first time you left, I could choose death as a relief. This time, even death is not an option any more… I won’t be able to bear it…”

So there it is! I hope this blog brings some new information and feel free to discuss! Let me know if you have any questions for me ＼(￣▽￣)／

Disclaimer: Plenty of this is my conclusion drawn from the already ambiguous original text and various translations. Unless Meatbun says it, it’s not canon. I am looking at the novel in three different languages so I might have made some mistakes. Pls forgive. Also, I am not making excuses for Mo Ran 0.5’s actions nor am I justifying the abuse in any way. Chu Wanning never said Mo Ran 0.5 was innocent of these crimes nor will I.

[swimmingtvshowghostwoman]

This is my thoughts from my first listening of mercury act 2(not including bones and sharks because this is not my first listen to them)

Ahhhhh so excited

General thoughts:

I love that they put act 1 and 2 together

I am really tired but this is so worth it

Bones is so fun I can’t not see Dan dancing

Honestly I will probably love all of this in many different ways

And will definitely have more thoughts once I listen to each song more times

I love sharks . It is a whole vibe

They honestly keep outdoing themselves

The bubble in sharks gives me life

Symphony:

I really like the beat

This is so catchy

I really like this

Ahhhh

I just fucking love this it is so cool

It is so different from everything they did but yet so them

It gives me beach summer vibes 2014 in the best way

I’m obsessed 

I don’t like myself:

Like the beginning

The lyrics!

It is insane how opposites the lyrics and melody sounds but at the same time it is the same

I love their brake verses in all songs and this one is so good

80’s mixed with like 00’s in teen drama vibes again in the best way(like I can see this in the oc or OTH maybe even later things)

Blur:

I don’t know what this is but I like it

It’s so good

The range!

This reminds me of their earlier stuff

“You should give up the fight” hdhdbdjsjsn

I really like this

The instruments are just wow

I honestly love Rick

Honestly I don’t know the vibe but I love it

Higher ground:

I like the rhythm

Idk why but it made me think of bullet in a gun

I like it but it is a mood based song for me or at least need to listen to it more

It is cool

Is it weird I can see them preform this even though I never saw them preform this (i don’t think they have) 

Crushed:

If this is anything like wrecked I will cry

Rain in the beach at dark vibe

His voice gives me chills in like a inside pain way

It is so soft and beautiful

Idk what I’m feeling but I’m feeling it

It is amazing

Take it easy:

My brain went blank and I have zero thoughts other then I liked it and I LOVED the last minute and 8 seconds a lot

Waves:

I ducking love this

I like the way he is singing this

Fuck sad lyrics vs happy music . ID specialty

The end ♥️🤍(slow line)

Again beach vibe but in a completely different way 

I’m happy:

I just ….idk

No words really

Kinda stab in the heart but in a good way but also not good

The end is weird

Ferris wheel:

I love the melody at the beginning

Ferris wheel is very love Simon so lets see if this song is that vibe

I want to hear this as a duet

It is love Simon vibe! honestly it is more the book then the movie (I’m probably just looking for it but still)

I love this

So calm and lovely and just pure it makes me smile

Peace of mind:

The meaning is the vibe

Okay ouch feels called out

I also want someone like this

It makes my brain just work idk how to explain it but it just makes my brain jdisjdbjdjd

Sirens:

Already love this

The melody lyrics vibe rhythm all work so well

I love this

A misunderstood Witch in the hero role vibe

Tied:

Fuck this is sad

It makes me sad smile

The emotions in his voice !!

It’s beautiful . And so sad

But like sad with a tiny bit of hope in it and I love this

God…. Again the last minute…wow

It is so beautifully broken if that makes sense

Younger:

I’m excited for this one

It makes me smile

It is weirdly hopeless and hopeful

Plays in the back of a reboot

This part!!! The solo!! I want to hear it live!! Wayne

I wish:

Fuck

Tears

Fuck

His voice

Beautifully painful

Continual:

It reminds of dolphins for some reason

It’s so ✨🤍🍀💫🎼hope

They don’t know you like I do:

I can’t believe it is the last one

Hurt

Fuck

Tears

I love it is is so open and just amazing

End thoughts:

This album was so beautiful

I love Rick Rubin

My feelings during the listening 📈📉📈📉📈📉

I can’t wait to listen again and again and again on a loop

They just keep reinventing themselves and just keep on doing amazing work and are just wonderful

It was definitely worth staying up for

[whatiwillsay]

submission:

Reputation is about more than one relationship; a thesis by anon

Hello! I am that anon who thinks Rep is about more than one relationship and this is a hill I am very much willing to die on. I believe there are (at least) two relationship stories told in detail on this album.

One is the relationship between two very famous women (*cough*Kaylor*cough), who are struggling to make it work because of the public pressures. The other is between Taylor and someone who is out of the public eye, or at least someone she is able to keep the relationship completely private. I’m not going to speculate on whether that’s Lily or Joe (lol so full disclosure I don’t think it’s Joe but someone else might) or maybe someone else we don’t know much about. All I know is that there is more than one relationship being discussed. Let’s dive into this analysis, shall we?

The first explicit mention of the public relationship - let’s actually just refer to it as Kaylor from here on out - is on End Game.

Big reputation, big reputation Ooh, you and me, we got big reputations Ah, and you heard about me Ooh, I got some big enemies (yeah) Big reputation, big reputation Ooh, you and me would be a big conversation Ah, and I heard about you (yeah) Ooh, you like the bad ones, too

Tay’s lover on here is someone with a big reputation, and being with the person would be a big conversation. Endless Kaylor analyses have discussed this as ‘proof’ that it’s not about Joe. Which, yes, obviously. But equally obviously, any woman in a relationship with Tay would be a big conversation so once we exclude Joe as a possibility, as we rightfully should, we wind up with plenty of other options.

Later in the song we do hear more explicit Karlie lines like “it’s like your body is gold”. We all suspect Karlie is gold (I tend to agree), so let’s call it a Kaylor anthem. Cool. Then, what can we learn about their relationship from this song?

I don’t wanna touch you, I don’t wanna be Just another ex that you don’t wanna see I don’t wanna miss you (I don’t wanna miss you) Like the other girls do I don’t wanna hurt you, I just wanna be Drinking on a beach with you all over me I know what they all say (I know what they all say) But I ain’t tryna play I wanna be your end game (End game) I wanna be your first string (First string) I wanna be your A-Team (A-Team) I wanna be your end game, end game

The lyrics explicitly suggest Tay’s begging the lover to make it work. It’s “I wanna be” not “I am”. She’s craving affirmation, she’s wanting to be chosen; we can pick that up from the repetitive nature of the song. First string, A-team, end game… She just wants for her to be the one. Some might say that would be fun. She’d love for them to wind up together - but there is no clear sign in the lyrics that it’s an actual possibility. It’s what she wants. She’s trying to convince her lover that she is committed, but they never resolve that commitment in the song. It’s never fully requited. No matter how many times she offers what she ‘wants’, there is no response.

Later, she sings:

I hit you like bang We tried to forget it, but we just couldn’t And I bury hatchets, but I keep maps of where I put ‘em Reputation precedes me, they told you I’m crazy I swear I don’t love the drama, it loves me And I can’t let you go, your hand prints on my soul It’s like your eyes are liquor, it’s like your body is gold You’ve been calling my bluff on all my usual tricks So here’s the truth from my red lips I wanna be your end game (End game) I wanna be your first string (Me and you) I wanna be your A-Team (Be your A-Team now) I wanna be your end game, end game I wanna be your end game (oh, I do) I wanna be your first string (first string) I wanna be your A-Team (A-Team) I wanna be your end game, end game

I’ve referenced part of this above, because it’s where the Kaylor-ness of it all gets more explicit (drinking/liquor/intoxication, gold, handprints/footprints). But again, this isn’t a happy ‘in love’ song. It’s Taylor actively trying to convince Karlie that her feelings are real. “Here’s the truth” she says - that doesn’t sound romantic, it sounds like they’re fighting and wanting to make things work but it’s all proving to be incredibly challenging.

When we add Taylor’s tone of voice in - and the almost forlorn “I wanna be your end game” at the start - my reading makes a lot of sense. It’s definitely a Kaylor song; Kaylor songs are always steeped in anxiety.

Our next clear Kaylor song is ‘Don’t Blame Me’ which (importantly) Taylor didn’t write, but which clearly picks up on themes she finds relatable. Apparently it’s similar to Hozier’s Take Me To Church (I don’t know much about Hozier, but from a quick glance at those lyrics that’s not a wildly happy song either).

Something happened for the first time In the darkest little paradise. Shaking, pacing, I just need you. For you, I would cross the line, I would waste my time, I would lose my mind. They say, “She’s gone too far this time.” Don’t blame me. Love made me crazy. If it doesn’t, you ain’t doing it right. Lord, save me. My drug is my baby I’ll be using for the rest of my life.

We’re going back to that same theme from End Game - Tay is begging her lover to make it work. “For you” she says, “I” would do just about anything. Cross the line, waste time (a biggie when you’re Taylor fucking Swift), even lose her mind. Love has made her crazy, unstable - it’s almost a play on the satire of Blank Space. True love seems to have actually made her into that mad woman she laughed at on the previous album. She’s shaking and pacing, craving the physical release of her drug of choice. (The shaking and pacing in a darkened room comes up later on the album again, by the way - it’s clear that Tay is super into Karlie and I do get it, she’s so gorgeous it’s nuts).

Then comes this gayness:

My name is whatever you decide, And I’m just gonna call you mine.

I’m gonna pause here because these call me by your name vibes are just. So. Damn. Gay. But that’s neither here nor there. Tay continues:

I’m insane, but I’m your baby (your baby). Echoes (echoes) of your name inside my mind. Halo, hiding my obsession. I once was poison ivy, but now I’m your daisy. And, baby, for you, I would fall from grace Just to touch your face. If you walk away, I’d beg you on my knees to stay.

Again, we’re picking up those same recurrent themes: she’s asking her to stay, she is willing to risk it all for love. The daisy is a Kaylor inside joke, we all know about Big Sur, so I’m not going to dwell on that.

The name thing is more interesting, as is the ‘halo, hiding my obsession’. To me, both gesture towards the public nature of the relationship that first started in End Game and picks up steam in later songs. “My name is whatever you decide” she says, but the other woman’s name keeps echoing in her mind, possibly because of her lover’s big reputation? I don’t know for sure, but I think it’s fascinating. I think Tay’s got a thing about names - lol Betty and James but also later in this album; bear with me - so I think this whole name bit is of interest. I think Tay likes the idea of the symbolism of names and the concept often comes up in her lyrics…

Then we get the line which suggests one or both of them have a (public) halo, that they use to hide the desperate love Tay feels for her lover. To be honest, that screams glass closeting phase to me. We go straight from ‘hiding my obsession’ to the daisy references. “Glass closeting with me is fun!” cries Tay, “Please stay with me, please please please.”

But once again, there’s no answer.

And then we switch gears and go into Delicate. What we’ve established in the two songs above is Tay is very invested and wants to make it work, and that she’s dealing with someone who is also famous, and that there are complications. One of those complications is that she’s insecure in the relationship.

Delicate opens with:

This ain’t for the best My reputation’s never been worse, so You must like me for me…

It sets a different tone and attitude to the last two songs. For the first time, we’re hearing an analysis of her lover’s feelings. She’s not begging, she’s not urging. She’s shocked that this person wants her for her. The big reputations and the shaking, quaking and pining are suddenly gone.

We can’t make Any promises now, can we, babe? But you can make me a drink…

Here the lover is more involved than she was previously. Taylor has gone from asking for something to saying that this is what’s happening. This is chilled, low key. This isn’t an obsession. This isn’t her ‘hitting like bang’. It’s two people starting something very… delicate. It’s not love at first sight, it’s an exploration of possibilities. They’re going to a dive bar, they’re hanging out. It’s calm and peaceful. Her anxiety here is a gentle, delicate, romantic one. It’s not dramatic like on the Kaylor songs.

Come here, you can meet me in the back Dark jeans and your Nikes, look at you

The theme of secrecy comes in strong on the lines above. They’re hiding, and they’re private. This is not “I would fall from grace just to touch your face” - the stakes are markedly lower. It’s the start of something new, something beautiful. She’s starting over again. And she’s doing so with someone who is willing to hide with her.

This is in sharp contrast to our Kaylor anthems, as we’ve already seen above. Ready for another Kaylor song? So It Goes (again, not by Tay but thematically linked) is peak Kaylor.

See you in the dark All eyes on you, my magician All eyes on us You make everyone disappear, and Cut me into pieces Gold cage, hostage to my feelings Back against the wall Trippin’, trip, trippin’ when you’re gone

Okay, here we have a gold cage imprisoning Tay and a ‘lightning strikes every time she moves’ woman stealing the attention of everyone who sees her. She’s got Tay backed up with nowhere to go and tripping when she’s gone. That’s the same insecurity from before.

'Cause we break down a little But when you get me alone, it’s so simple

She’s explicitly acknowledging their problems, but the problems fall away when they’re in bed or having a romantic interaction.

'Cause baby, I know what you know We can feel it… And all the pieces fall Right into place Getting caught up in a moment Lipstick on your face So it goes… I’m yours to keep And I’m yours to lose You know I’m not a bad girl, but I Do bad things with you So it goes…

The above doesn’t need much additional analysis, there are Kaylors who’ve done it and I recommend going to read those (or just looking up times Tay ended up with smudged lippy around Karlie).

Here’s the really relevant bit:

Met you in a bar All eyes on me, your illusionist All eyes on us I make all your grey days clear and Wear you like a necklace I’m so chill, but you make me jealous But I got your heart Skippin’, skip, skippin’ when I’m gone

Does that sound the same as the ‘dive bar on the East Side where you at?’ Because to me, while describing similar situations - dates in bars - they are explicitly different in mood, tone and atmosphere. In Delicate, Tay and her lover were hiding out in the back, having a heart to heart. Here, the bar has ‘all eyes’ on them. Kaylor both have big reputations and Karlie makes Tay anxious and jealous. She’s not ever sure where she stands with her. The best she can come up with (and you must listen for the high-pitched, uncertain tone with which this line is sung) is that Karlie’s heart skips when Tay’s gone. That’s hardly explicit confirmation of deep, requited feelings.

You did a number on me But, honestly, baby, who’s counting? I did a number on you But, honestly, baby, who’s counting? You did a number on me But, honestly, baby, who’s counting? Who’s counting? 1, 2, 3

This once again acknowledges the difficulties in the relationship. It is not ‘Delicate’. It is not always happy. It’s a proper fucking mess.

Cool now let’s take a look at another Kaylor anthem:

I, I loved you in secret First sight, yeah, we love without reason

I hear the naysayers point to the ‘in secret’ as paralleling Delicate (which so far has been the only one that’s not about Karlie). The thing, though, is that this is about love at first sight/physical attraction/lust - not about the meaningful emotional connection we glimpsed in Delicate. Delicate is explicitly not about love ar first sight or love without reason. It’s about embarking on something new and beautiful but having trepidation along the way. It’s about careful connection.

My, my love had been frozen Deep blue, but you painted me golden

I’m including this as further evidence this is about Kaylor. As I said Karlie = gold. We’ve heard this image in every Kaylor song. You know what didn’t feature in Delicate? Gold. Spoiler: it won’t feature in CIWYW and KOMH either.

I could’ve spent forever with your hands in my pockets Picture of your face in an invisible locket You said there was nothing in the world that could stop it I had a bad feeling And darling, you had turned my bed into a sacred oasis People started talking, putting us through our paces I knew there was no one in the world who could take it I had a bad feeling

In this verse we have people talking and noticing this couple. She’s describing a well-known, public relationship. It isn’t a secret, not really, despite the actual love being kept somewhat secret. Their locket may be invisible but despite that, this relationship is something well known. Furthermore, we already know she has had a bad feeling. That’s kind of the premise of many of her other Karlie anthems - she’s begging Karlie to stay and trying to convince her that they have something real and serious. She is constantly trying to convince Karlie of the seriousness of her feelings. And, well, the song ends with her saying she’d like to dance with Karlie again but there’s no real way forward, seeing as their hands are tied. The whole thing is quite sad.

Let’s look at the other very very Kaylor song (like there’s literally no other way to read it):

Our secret moments In a crowded room They got no idea About me and you There is an indentation In the shape of you Made your mark on me A golden tattoo All of this silence and patience, pining and anticipation My hands are shaking from holding back from you (ah, ah, ah) All of this silence and patience, pining and desperately waiting My hands are shaking from all this (ha, ha, ha, ha)

We have the familiar desperation, the shaking, the gold, and the secret moments in plain view. And again, they’re both very famous:

Everyone thinks that they know us But they know nothing about All of this silence and patience, pining and anticipation

We also get this bit:

Say my name and everything just stops I don’t want you like a best friend

There’s the name thing again and after that the gayest, most glass closety line I’ve ever witnessed. “I don’t want you like a best friend”, she says. I want your body. I want your love. I want us. I want this relationship to be real.

You know what that clarification is in sharp contrast to:

(Call it what you want, call it what you want, call it) So call it what you want, yeah Call it what you want to

Tay didn’t want to call it what you want with Karlie. She wanted to call it end game, first string, A team. She didn’t want to be friends. People talking about them caused her anxiety and lead to the breakup described in DWOHT. CIWYW has that renewed joyful tone that she had in Delicate. It’s hopeful and optimistic. It’s all about about connection and meaningful interactions:

I want to wear his initial on a chain round my neck Chain round my neck Not because he owns me But 'cause he really knows me

This is not an invisible locket, this is not about sex and getting clothes off in bathtubs, this is about a really deep emotional connection which we first heard on Delicate. Notably, it’s the third time she speaks of necklaces on the album, but it’s the first that it’s not sexual. It’s also - importantly - not invisible. It’s not comparing the lover to a necklace (like before, which makes it a physical connection) or saying their relationship can be entirely symbolized by one. She’s saying she’d actually love to actually have tangible physical proof of the relationship. She wouldn’t have said that about Karlie because she wasn’t expressly convinced the feelings were fully mutual. Also, this song is missing that desperate pining and longing that she experiences for Karlie in the Kaylor songs.

I know people hear “Karlie” instead of “Call It” but honestly it makes more sense as one of the non-Kaylor songs. I think maybe the rhyme is her trolling Karlie - call it what you want, which is certainly not what she had with Karlie. This would also kind of explain the laugh in Miss Americana. If someone sang me a song about how things are good between us, and added in a dig at her ex, I’d laugh too. And let’s be honest discussing exes - especially exes in the same social circle (Tay, Lily and Karlie) - is peak lesbian culture.

One more thing:

Cause… My baby’s fit like a daydream Walking with his head down I’m the one he’s walking to

Karlie has never had her head down. She is super active on socials, as a model, and as a philanthropist. Karlie has never been quietly walking “to” Tay. She’s been stunting and traveling and being extraordinarily visible. And all the Kaylor songs deal with that very public nature - with rumors and discussions and everyone’s eyes being on Karlie and the anxiety that causes Tay. I know some Kaylors think they just went underground after being caught making out but that’s just not what’s being described in CIWYW. It’s a different person.

My baby’s fly like a jet stream High above the whole scene Loves me like I’m brand new So call it what you want, yeah

She’s explicitly saying her baby doesn’t form part of “the scene” but rather floats above it. How does that fit Karlie going on vacation with Scooter? Or anything about Karlie, actually? This is obviously about someone very private or not particularly famous. Or both.

Bonus lyric from a non love song that points to an actively private relationship is “and here’s to my baby, he ain’t reading what they call me lately” - why would Karlie not read stuff? She is calling the paps on herself and Josh regularly but she’s not following Tay’s PR game? Make it make sense?

Anyhow back to CIWYW. In that song, her baby loves her - a source of anxiety that never gets stated explicitly resolved in the Kaylor songs. Those songs have her begging for love, not stating it’s existence matter of factly. The difference is palpable.

And I know I make the same mistakes every time Bridges burn, I never learn At least I did one thing right I did one thing right I’m laughing with my lover Making forts under covers Trust him like a brother Yeah, you know I did one thing right

I’m including this because of the chilled out atmosphere, the “brother” simile (which to me is kind of the opposite of “not wanting you like a best friend”) and the insistence that this is “right” which is absent in the Kaylor songs.

KOMH keeps with that same quiet, calm, positive energy.

I’m perfectly fine, I live on my own I made up my mind, I’m better off being alone We met a few weeks ago Now you try on calling me, baby, like trying on clothes Salute to me I’m your American Queen And you move to me like I’m a Motown beat And we rule the kingdom inside my room 'Cause all the boys and their expensive cars With their Range Rovers and their Jaguars Never took me quite where you do

“Try on calling me” like “trying on clothes” is that same idea from Delicate. Things are early, and uncertain. They’re exploring this and seeing where it goes.

This is not a public relationship, it’s entirely “inside her room”. And it doesn’t feature expensive cars and the visibility her - or Karlie’s - stunts had. (Kinda interesting that she drove Lily in the Toyota, don’t you think? And also drives her/someone in Miss Americana?)

This relationship is super secret:

Late in the night, the city’s asleep Your love is a secret I’m hoping, dreaming, dying to keep Change my priorities The taste of your lips is my idea of luxury

But what’s secret? Not Tay’s love of this person like before. “Your love” is the secret. As I’ve pointed out that affirmation of requitedness never happens in the Kaylor anthems and hiding out in the dark. Additionally “idea of luxury” is very different to her drug imagery from the Kaylor songs, by the way. This is not addictive, this is just nice.

And all at once, you are the one I have been waiting for King of my heart, body and soul, ooh whoa And all at once, you are all I want, I’ll never let you go

I believe the “all at once” contrasts the love/lust at first sight feelings she expressed for Karlie. This didn’t “hit her like bang” - it surprised her after a few weeks. And it’s not just a physical connection. This person rules her heart, body and soul.

And what do they do together? Well it’s less ripping off clothes and more chilled hangouts with someone who makes her happy:

Is this the end of all the endings? My broken bones are mending With all these nights we’re spending Up on the roof with a school girl crush Drinking beer out of plastic cups Say you fancy me, not fancy stuff Baby, all at once, this is enough

This is very cute. It’s very much lacking anxiety. She’s happy with her new person; it is finally “enough”. That’s not true for her relationship with Karlie. “School girl crush” is a very cutesy image - and is in stark contrast to the craving, shaking, pining, and bedpost carving that came with “not wanting you like a best friend”. Notice how the second relationship uses constant friendship/platonic imagery and how that type of imagery is not expressly disavowed in the Kaylor songs.

I also think it’s worth contrasting the “beer out of plastic cups” on the roof with “I’m spilling wine in the bathtub” and “eyes like liquor”. All three references are about drinking - but only one is peppy, cute and upbeat and the others are full of lustful desperation.

Now the other possible reading - implicitly favored by the Kaylor community - is that KOMH, CIWYW, and Delicate are set at a different point in the relationship to the sex songs. Unfortunately that doesn’t really hold water because, as I’ve pointed out, the origin story described is different. Kaylor “hit like bang” and fell in love at first sight. The other relationship started out slow and cautious, but quickly settled into something quietly special. These other songs are about a connection that’s chilled out and very emotional and cerebral. The Kaylor songs are about how much she wants to sex up Karlie and leave scratches down her back (which, I mean, fair). The other songs are about tentative emotions and cutesy intersections.

Also KOMH, CIWYW and Delicate are the three songs that feature British/foreign imagery. (This is why I think they’re about Lily or maaaaaybe Joe but again I doubt that and the scene in MA where a woman laughs during CIWYW contradicts it and I also have further lyrical evidence it’s not him which I’ll address below). In KOMH she says “you fancy me” and describes herself as “an American queen”, in CIWYW her baby’s “fit like a daydream” and in Delicate she asks about the “girls back home”. Also East side and West side in Delicate make more sense as being about London. Dive bars in the East End are a vibe. But that’s neither here nor there.

Why is this analysis important? To me it shows that contrary to the rosy Kaylor depictions, the Kaylor lyrics consistently show they always had massive issues (not dissimilar to her issues with Di actually).

Very quickly on why Joe’s not the muse: he’s referenced in Dress in a verse makes no sense lyrically or musically or thematically in the song and I think is only there to make it slightly less gay because otherwise the song is making Kaylor Facebook official. But the “wake up by your side” doesn’t fit in with the pining and anticipation and drunken bath time fun. It’s just thrown in there as deflection. It doesn’t actually fit the other relationship on the album - it’s very romantic but “my one and only, my lifeline” is not the cutesy tone of the other songs. This verse is just made up and slapped in to feed the hets. The musical accompaniment is so markedly different that it is clear it literally doesn’t belong in the song. The other song that makes reference to him, I believe, is “Ready for it”. I think “I keep him forever, like a vendetta” is very much about her plans for him. But it’s a very different thought to “is this the end of all the endings?” because that’s a far less certain emotion. She’s only 100% sure about Joe because it’s… not real.

And final note: Getaway Car is obviously a satirical piece about Hiddlestunt obviously. And I think New Year’s Day is a general love song about the type of relationship she wants, similar to some of her early songs, not about Karlie or Di or Lily/whoever else. It’s missing any of the imagery associated with either relationship except “don’t ever become a stranger” but it might be written from diary entries (which she has shown us she does). Final final note: I don’t know for sure who Gorgeous is about. It could just be a song about hot girls more generally.

If anyone is interested in further thoughts, I’m happy to do this for Lover and folklore too. I think we need to challenge the myth of Kaylor being perfect. And I think we should listen closely and let the lyrics speak for themselves.

*********************************************

thanks for taking the time to write all this up! let’s discuss!!!

[weasleydream]

Without you

Hey guys! Here we are for my first song fic, based on Without You - Ashes Remain (I have an obsession with this song!) Be careful, mention of deaths. Also, there is a little Supernatural reference because this show is all my life, 10 points to your house if you find it!  Enjoy!

Masterlist

Gif is not mine (found here)

Underneath the cold November sky

I'll wait, for you

It’s the first time in months there isn’t any cloud in the sky. I can see the stars, all of them. I remember how much you love - no, you loved the stars. You were always amazed, and you used to tell me that each star is a sun and is the link between several planets. You always had that sparkle in your beautiful eyes, that sparkle I want so bad to see once more. 

Today should have been your 25th birthday. Usually, we would spend the night together, doing whatever would pass in your that pretty head of yours. Most of the time, you insisted that we should go outside and watch the stars. Before that, when we were still at Hogwarts, we would sneak into the kitchen and we would bring back to the dorms a lot of cakes and sweets. I remember the way you always looked above your shoulder, because you were afraid we would get caught. Remember what I had told you, back there? 

“I promise nothing will happen to you, Y/N.”

Looks like I failed, because today should have been your birthday, and you should have dragged me outside to watch the stars. Instead, I’m alone, sitting outside as my head is turned toward the sky. I can’t help but hope that somewhere, anywhere, you’re also looking at the stars and missing me the way I miss you. 

As the pages of my life roll by

I'll wait, for you

You know, Mum wanted me to go back to Romania. She thought it could help me. But she doesn’t understand… Nothing could help me, nothing except knowing where you are. They say you aren’t there anymore. It’s been months since the war, and way too much pages of my life had been turned without your name written on it. One page per day, so many useless stories, because they are not complete if you’re not here. 

I’ve tried. For Mum. For George, because he’s as broken as I am. For you. I’ve tried and I’ve been to Romania. But there wasn’t a place I could see without seeing you. And when I went to my flat… I saw you everywhere. Curled up on the bed. Waiting for me in the bathtub. Sitting on the worksurface. 

The memories were too much, too painful, because they were just memories. I couldn’t touch you, and you couldn’t talk to me, and I couldn’t tell you how fucking much I missed you. I still miss you. I just ran away. 

I'm so desperate just to see your face

I’m afraid. God, I’m terrified. What if I forget you face? I dread the day your features will fade in my head. Your sweet face, beautiful face, where the embarrassment or my kisses would make appear the cutest blush. Your face that seems - seemed so peaceful when you slept, with only the littlest smile on your lips. The face that could be so determined when someone you loved was threatened. Was your expression that determined during the battle? 

It hurts. It hurts so much, yet I can’t help but imagine you, in the middle of the spells, with your eyes blazing and your anger burning. In a way, it reassures me, because I see every little detail of you that made you so perfect. Now, my memories are the only way for me to see you, because you’re not here with me anymore. Why does it have to be that painful? 

Meet me in this broken place

I can’t wait to see you at the Burrow. This thought has found its place in my head, but deep down, I know you won’t come back. You know, the Burrow isn’t anymore what it was before. Do you remember the time where it was full of life? Full of laughters? This time has disappeared when Fred died, when you… 

It’s no longer the same. Nothing is the same. Mum isn’t the same, George isn’t the same, I am not the same. Nothing, no one. We’re all grieving. We’re all suffering. Even the house. It seems as broken as us, as broken as me. 

But I’m still sure this is the place where we’ll meet again, my love. 

Hold me now

I need to feel you

It’s not even a wish, or a desire. It’s a need. I need you. I can’t go on if you’re not with me. It has always been the same, you and I, together, always. But now, I’m alone in this darkness, I’m alone underneath the sky. I can’t do this. I want you. I need you. I need to feel your arms, your hands, your lips, you. I need to kiss you, to touch your hair, to show you how much I love you and how much you mean to me. I need you to hold me because I’m scared, I need you to hold me because that would mean you’re here with me, and there’s nothing I want more. There’s nothing I need more. I need you. 

Show me how

To make it new again

I think I’m going crazy. I just wait for some sign you might send me, everything. The lightest breeze makes me think of you, what if it’s you? What if you try to tell me something? What if you’re really gone? Too many what if. They are too painful. I can’t stand them. It’s unbearable, not knowing anything. Not knowing where you are. Not knowing if I can hope, or if everything is over. Too hard. 

I would give everything I have to erase everything and see you again for the first time. You remember? How scared you were just before the Quidditch tests. This habit you have-had, you always triturated your hands, and looked at your feet. I remember the blush on your cheeks when I told you you were skilled. I remember your genuine smile when you learnt you had been accepted in the team. I remember all of these things, and my heart hurts so much because these times are far from us, far from me. You are far from me. How? How can I go back to these times? How can I escape the pain? How can I see you? 

There's no one I can run to

And nothing I could ever do

They have told me I’m not alone. My family. They have told me they were here for me, as much as they are here for George. But they can’t understand, no one can understand, in the same way as no one can understand George. They haven’t been through this. This pain, this hopelessness. They don’t know. I can’t do anything, I feel so useless. You missing is one of the worst things that has ever happened to me. And it’s completely my fault. They have told me that it’s not but once again, they don’t know. 

I didn’t want you to fight in this war. I wanted you to stay safe, but you wouldn’t listen to me, and I gave up. I was selfish, because I thought I would be able to protect you. How could I be so idiot? It cost you your life, for God’s sake. Your life. Because everyone thinks you’re… They think you’re dead. And it destroys me. Because if it’s true, it means that I won’t see you ever again, and I can’t do anything about it. 

I'm nowhere if I'm here

Without you

They say that your home is where your heart use to be. You were my home. My heart was and will always be with you. I love you. I love you so fucking much it hurts. And I wish I couldn’t feel a damn thing. I’m so lost without you. We had always been together, for every step, for every trial, you were always here with me. But this war has separated us, and you’re not here anymore. I feel so alone. I’m alone, and I’m lost. I don’t know anymore who I am, because I feel like you’ve always been part of my life, and I don’t know anymore where I am, because you’re not next to me anymore. 

Even if you take it all away

I'll wait, for you

Even when the light begins to fade

I'll wait, for you

As much as it breaks me, I can’t think about anything else. You are the only one in my head and in my heart, the only one I will ever love. I don’t care if I stay under the stars every night, I don’t care if my eyes are closed every day if it brings me closer to you. I could sacrifice all my life, everything I have just to be with you. They will eventually tell me I have to move on, that everyone who suffers do it, but I won’t be able to. How could I? You have always been stronger than me. I can’t do it without you, but you’re not here with me anymore. 

The most painful is the little light that remains in my heart. The light that brings me hope, the light that tells me that no one has seen your body. Why would you be gone? They tell me that you’re not here anymore, but they haven’t any proof. I know this hope is insane, and it’s painful. But it’s acting like a lighthouse in the storm. Maybe if I follow the light, I will find you. 

No. Deep down I know it. It won’t bring me anywhere. But I promise you, my love, even when this last little light will fade, I won’t stop coming under the stars waiting for you. 

I'm so desperate calling out your name

Meet me in this broken place

Everyone is worrying for George and for me. We’re together in the grief. We mourn our loss together. Most of the time, we’re in Fred and George’s old room and we drink and we cry. Then we sleep. It’s a vicious circle. The more I sleep, the more I see you, I imagine you suffering, crying for help. That’s usually when I wake up, my heart a little more broken and my throat sore because I scream your name. All I can do is grab a bottle of Firewhiskey and drink. It helps me dealing with everything. 

Usually, when she hears me scream, Mum rushes into the room, she hugs me and lets me cry in her arms. It destroys her, seeing her sons like this, I know it does, and I feel guilty but I can’t do anything. I’m defenseless in front of these waves of pain, in front of these horrible nightmare and my own weakness. We use to spend our days in the dark. This way, it’s a little easier to follow the light in my heart, even if it brings me closer to my destruction. 

You know, finally, maybe the Burrow isn’t broken. It’s not the same, yes, but it stands in the middle of this unbearable sorrow. Maybe I am the broken one. 

Hold me now

I need to feel you

Show me how

To make it new again

The worst is that I never got to see you again. I never got to say goodbye. I never got to kiss you one last time, to hold your hands and stroke your hair. I never got to remember you how much I love you, because the battle had separated us, and I couldn’t reach you. You were out of my sight, and I was unable to find you. No one could find you. You weren’t in the Great Hall, and my foolish heart told me you were okay. But there were witnesses… Too much persons, old friends or professors, that told me they saw you being killed. I didn’t trust them. It was impossible, how could you be gone?

The awful truth sank in me when Bill pulled me in his embrace, when he whispered into my ear “I saw her. I’m sorry, Charlie…”. My heart broke at this exact moment, and since, I can’t help but think about you. Sometimes, when I’m asleep, I feel your arms around me and these few moments are the only ones bringing me some peace, because I can pretend you’re still with me. 

There's no one I can run to

And nothing I could ever do

I'm nowhere if I'm here…

Everyone grieves someone. After the worst day of our lives, everyone suffers. No one can sleep, no one is able to stop the tears. And I blame myself for not being here for my siblings and my parents when they mourn Fred. But I can’t, I can’t help myself, my heart is too broken, I’m too obsessed, I’m unable to do something else. I cry. I scream. I drink. And I watch the stars. 

You know, without you, my love, I’m homeless. I’m just a poor boy who just lost the love of his life, I’m an almost dead boy who can’t do anything but suffering. 

I'm tired, of running

And wrestling with these angels

It’s been months and I still can’t get over your death. I still don’t know how to cope with the constant pain in my body and my heart, I don’t know how to wipe the tears of my face, I don’t know how to make your name sound less painful when I scream. 

I don’t know how to accept the fact that I’ll never see you again. 

It hurts. 

It hurts so much. 

I feel like I’m slowly dying. I use all my energy to cry and to remember you. Nothing Mum prepares tastes good anymore. I just don’t see why I should live. You didn’t have this chance, why would I?

But it seems that something tries to keep me alive. Mum, of course, but not just her. Almost as if there were angels by my side, angels I try desperately to fight, but what if you are among them? 

I lay down

My life and I surrender

This thought doesn’t even comfort me anymore. You’re here, but I can’t see you, I can’t touch you. I want to be by your side. I want to join you. I want to be with you. I need it. So when I feel like you’re next to me, I grab a bottle of Firewhiskey and drink it. This way, I can almost feel you in my arms. I can almost see your beautiful eyes. 

Hold me now

I need to feel you

Show me how

To make it new again

There's no one I can run to

And nothing I could ever do

I can’t do it by myself. I need you to help me. I need to see the light once more, because the darkness that invades me is too much to bear. I am completely in the dark, now. It’s too late. The angels have lost their battle, I’ve lost mine, it’s over. 

I’m closer to you than I’ve been these past few months. We’re closer to the stars that you love so much. 

Hold me now

I need to feel you

Show me how

To make it new again

There’s no one I can run to 

And nothing I could ever do 

I’m nowhere if I’m here

Without you

I’m sorry, Mum, I love you, I love all of you, but I promise I will be happy now.

Because I'm with her.

[x-lulu]

gurl 1-99 I dare you😄

haha no if that's too much just 1, 2, 24, 32, 77, 85, 95

well I finally answered them all babe, took me a week haha 💗

1: 6 of the songs you listen to most? world away by tonight alive, you give love a bad name by bon jovi, amnesia by five seconds of summer, had enough by lower than atlantis, take it out on me by thousand foot krutch, if I could fly by one direction, I just named the first that popped in my head

2: If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be? YOU

3: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17? a wind came in off the harbour, bringing the smell of the sea

4: What do you think about most? I’m an overthinker with anxiety so yeah I think about everything a lot, so I wouldn’t know what I think about most

5: What does your latest text message from someone else say? just an okay haha

6: Do you sleep with or without clothes on? with, an oversized shirt and underwear

7: What’s your strangest talent? latin maybe?

8: Girls… (finish the sentence); Boys… (finish the sentence) I don’t know rock? I’m not really the kind of person that puts a gender in things

9: Ever had a poem or song written about you? uhm I don’t think so, now I feel unimportant haha

10: When is the last time you played the air guitar? I’m more an using a hairbrush as a microphone kind of girl

11: Do you have any strange phobias? probably, I’m scared of a lot of things

12: Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose? don’t think so

13: What’s your religion? officially I’m Christian, I’m a bit searching for what I believe in tho, I do believe in jezus but not like walking on water and coming back from the death, I might believe in the Greek gods and nature gods

14: If you are outside, what are you most likely doing? enjoying the fresh air, going for a walk/ride and look at cute animals

15: Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it? behind

16: Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band? even if you kill me I don’t know what band to say

17: What was the last lie you told? I lied about not being sad

18: Do you believe in karma? I don’t know, sometimes, but like there are people who’ve done terrible things, where is their karma?

19: What does your URL mean? it’s just my nickname, I didn’t want to make it fandom related because I’m a multi fandom and I didn’t want to have to change my url a lot, I also didn’t want to put my real name because I don’t want people to find me who I know in real life haha

20: What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength? my insecurity is my greatest weakness I think, I don’t know my greatest strength... maybe being a person who people feel loved and welcome by? Idk if people feel that way and idk if it’s a strength. If I’m gonna be poetic I have to say my greatest weakness and strength are both that I love someone with my whole heart, when I start loving you, I love you so much, I would do anything for you, but when someone fucks up, I’ll still love them even tho they don’t deserve it, so that comes with a lot of pain so yeah a weakness and a strength

21: Who is your celebrity crush? rudy pankow and dylan obrien

22: Have you ever gone skinny dipping? yes

23: How do you vent your anger? I keep everything to myself till I explode and start screaming

24: Do you have a collection of anything? music records, stones and just memories from places I’ve been to

25: Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online? neither? If I’m comfortable I do enjoy video chatting especially in times like these where you can’t speak in real life

26: Are you happy with the person you’ve become? this is hard one, I’ve never been happy with who I am, I do like me better than who I used to be

27: What’s a sound you hate; sound you love? sound I love is when you’re walking trough the woods just the birds, can’t think of one I hate, I definitely have some they just don’t come to mind rn

28: What’s your biggest “what if”? what if I keep going through and it doesn’t get better

29: Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens? yes and yes/maybe

30: Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm. my laptop and my pillow

31: Smell the air. What do you smell? flowers

32: What’s the worst place you have ever been to? xanten

33: Choose: East Coast or West Coast? uhm west coast? Idk haha

34: Most attractive singer of your opposite gender? harry styles is the first one that pops in my head

35: To you, what is the meaning of life? to find love, can be someone something, experience things that make you happy, enjoy it, learn, better the world

36: Define Art. creating something, it can have a meaning but it also can’t, a lot of people give it a deep meaning, which can be it, I just think art doesn’t always have to be deep are spectacular it can be someone making something because they have so much going in their head and they find peace in creating art and get inspired by their own experience, people also can it just do for fun, there are so many different kind of art and artists, I don’t think it can’t be defined

37: Do you believe in luck? I don’t know

38: What’s the weather like right now? rainy

39: What time is it? 9:54 pm

40: Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed? no licence

41: What was the last book you read? a fanfic on Wattpad fight or flight by ffsumth

42: Do you like the smell of gasoline? yes 🙈

43: Do you have any nicknames? lu and lulu obviously, loesje , samantha, pinguïn, polar bear, you called me lulu bear hehe

44: What was the last film you saw? I don’t remember...

45: What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had? uhm ive broken a few things, my toes and my arm, but nothing really bad actually

46: Have you ever caught a butterfly? no, I don’t want to, I have seen some really close, they’re beautiful

47: Do you have any obsessions right now? again you haha, but like all the stuff I post on here are my obsessions

48: What’s your sexual orientation? I don’t know, I think straight, but I don’t know for sure

49: Ever had a rumour spread about you? yeah

50: Do you believe in magic? I’m not certain, maybe I do :) I do live by the saying ‘just because you haven’t seen it, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist’

51: Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong? sadly yes, like I won’t be mean to you or anything, but I will never ever trust you again, if I’m hurt I’m hurt and sadly I haven’t found a way yet to leave it behind, so I’m feeling a lot of pain and I’m never gonna forget that pain, so yeah...

52: What is your astrological sign? capricorn

53: Do you save money or spend it? uhm both? depends on how I feel and what time of the year it is, I have the bad habit to save it for a few months and then spend a lot of it

54: What’s the last thing you purchased? a apple pen so I can start trying digital art

55: Love or lust? love

56: In a relationship? with you hehe

57: How many relationships have you had? none official relationships, I’m just not lovable okay leave me alone haha

58: Can you touch your nose with your tongue? no oops

59: Where were you yesterday? home, school, therapy

60: Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you? a pillow

61: Are you wearing socks right now? no

62: What’s your favourite animal? polar bears

63: What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you? no idea haha, I don’t have one

64: Where is your best friend? at home, like 20min away

65: Give me your top 5 favourite blogs on Tumblr. this is hard so I’m just gonna name the first five that come in my head @nxsmss @rafej-cambanks @thegreatestofheck @chrlsgillespie @nedleed

66: What is your heritage? I don’t know 🤷‍♀️

67: What were you doing last night at 12AM? sleeping, I had to get up early today

68: What do you think is Satan’s last name? never thought about it

69: Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off? no

70: Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend? Is it bad to say yes? I mean I hate myself but I do think I’m a good friend

71: You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do? save the dog obviously!!!!

72: You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid? I think I would tell people, I’m not sure, but like so have people got the time to say goodbye the way they want to, I would travel the world I think, do everything on my bucket list, maybe some illegal stuff 🙈 (where no one gets hurt tho obviously), I don’t think I would be afraid... I mean I’m suicidal, I’ve literally been connected to death my whole life, if you understand what I mean

73: You can only have one of these things; trust or love. uhm trust I think? If I would have love but don’t have trust I wouldn’t really feel loved anyway, I do really want to experience how it feels like to be loved tho...

74: What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it? the first song that came to mind is love my life by Robbie Williams, I rarely listen to it, but the lyrics really gives a boost of happiness and confidence

75: What are the last four digits in your cell phone number? 51 54

76: In your opinion, what makes a great relationship? loyalty and trust, you don’t have to agree on everything or be interested in the same things, you do have to be there for each other

77: How can I win your heart? YOU ALREADY HAVE

78: Can insanity bring on more creativity? yes I think so

79: What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far? to get dogs

80: What size shoes do you wear? uhm 38 eu, 4,5 uk and 7 us

81: What would you want to be written on your tombstone? a loving ... I hope to be a loving daughter, friend, wife and mother, someone who was always there for others

82: What is your favourite word? fuck haha, no idk but that is definitely a word I use a lot

83: Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart. pain....

84: What is a saying you say a lot? enjoy the little things

85: What’s the last song you listened to? ignorance by paramore

86: Basic question; what’s your favourite colour/colours? uhm I do love black, I also like pastels and like a turquoise kind of colour

87: What is your current desktop picture? me and my friend

88: If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be? no one, there are a lot of people who did wrong, the need to be in jail, but I’m not saying someone deserves to die

89: What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on? what goes on in my head, how I’m feeling

90: One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do? scream probably haha

91: You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power? teleportation, I would travel the world haha

92: You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again? when I was in Ireland by the cliffs of moher

93: You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be? uhm this is a hard one, maybe seeing my father almost dying? (he is okay btw, we were lucky), I’ve had nightmares and anxiety ever since

94: You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be? I find this so weird to say for some reason... if I have to give a name it would be harry styles I think, because damn look at that man, but I don’t know, I would rather be friends with him than sleep with him tbh, I know you can do both haha, but idk I’m not like yes I want to sleep with him haha, I think I’ve read too many fanfics about him that I would find it awkward

95: You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go? ice land or canada

96: Do you have any relatives in jail? don’t think so, not close ones anyway

97: Have you ever thrown up in the car? no, I got out in time haha

98: Ever been on a plane? yes, when I went on a trip to georgia in west asia

99: If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say? you’re all ignorant assholes haha, no idk what I would say, there are a lot of good people on this world I know, but man there is some fucked up shit, so maybe I would educate some people or it would have something to do with mental health, maybe about loving yourself or that it’s not a sign of weakness and that we should be treated as equals to physical pain, we should be taken seriously... I don’t really know, there are so many things haha

[livcosmos]

September/October stories and struggels

Happy spooky season everyone!!! It’s been a while since we last talked, school has be crazy and I feel like I am going more insane as the days pass but I finally found a little free time to chatch up with you. Considering that I had so little time those past weeks, I watched quite a few movies, most of them movies I wanted to watch since forever and I’m really happy I finaly got to see them plus I’m even more exited to discuss them!

So starting with the movie I watched back at the beginning of september. I hate it when I don’t get to write those discussions right after I finish that certain movie or book because I don’t remember all the details and I hate not remebering all the details but there is nothing we can do about it now, I took notes tho while watching so we have at least some of the details.

Starting of with ‘Chemical Hearts’, I was so super excited to watch this one because I absolutely love Lili Reinhart and I was so so so excited to see her in this movie, besides that, a few years ago I started reading the book this movie is based on and I was even more excited because of that. Lili was absoultely stunning in this movie I love her and I loved her as Grace! I remember feeling so inspired after watching this movie, I wanted to take out my notebook and write, I think the best movies and the best books are those who inspire you those who leave you with louds of ideas, the ones that make you want to do something as inspring, I love that feeling and this movie definitely gave me this feeling, I absolutely loved it. It also had sooo many beautiful phrases full of thruth they bescaly exposed what it’s like to be a teenager and I loved that! I wanted to write down all those wise phrases so so beautiful!! As I said before I loved Grace so much and it was so painfull to see her go trough all those phases but it was also so relatable and the fact that in the end she and Henry didn’t got back together made the whole thing even better because that’s just life you think youre going to be together forever but that’s not how it realy goes and high school it’s just a little portion of youre life and then your paths divide...it’s sad but its very true! I also love (ok I am deffently using the word love way to offten I’m really sorry..) how she said that one time that she is broken and he should’t try to fix her like one of his pots (by the way I loved that thing with breaking the pots and than rebuilding them and the parallel to Grace....ahhhh just perfect😍😍) because he couldn’t fix her, that sentace stayed with me since than, I found it sooo sooo beautiful!!! I highly recomend this movie! 

I also finnaly, after such a long time, got to watch ‘Little Women’, I was ultra exited for this movie, I have the book laying around in my bookshelf for a year now and I wanted to read it but as I said earlier the time isn’t with me. And I normaly don’t do this but I diced to watch the movie before reading the book because I was way to exited for, it and guess what I more that enjoyed it, I loved it!!!!!! I can’t wait to read the book even tho of corse I got spoiled for it because I watched the movie first but the book is always better so I’m sure I will still love it!

This movie was as inspiring as Chemical Hearths, Jo inspired me so so much and jet again after whatching this I wanted to grab my notebook and write my own stroy (or better say continue it) I loved Jo, she was my favorite out of all the March sisters even tho I didn’t always agree with all her actions like how she refused to marry Laurie even tho I do get her point on marriage and I also very much agree with her but still I loved Laurie and it made me so so sad to see him suffer! Also I think I’m not the only one who after watching this movie got all obsessed with Timothée Chalamet!!!

But I guess Jo and Laurie are eally better friends than anything more because I really really liked their friendship! I also really liked Amy with her painting and all but oh boy I got so mad at her for stealing Laurie away ahhaah... but than I kind of made my peace with it I have learned to accept it because it must have been hard for her to live in Jo’s shadow and she had a crush on Laurie all her life. Ooooo but when she burned Jo’s papers oh my God I was fuming I was beyond mad I don’t even want to imaging what it must have been like for Jo! Another thing I absolutley loved about this story is that all the sister where so artsy, I love art so much and I found it so beautiful how each sister had her own art, Jo with the writing, Amy with the painting, Beth with the music, Meg with fashion, that was sooo sooo nice and their palys!!!! Ah God my hearth when they were making up all of those theater plays, absolutley lovely! As I mentioned Beth, I’m sure there is more about her in the book because even tho she is important for the story I feelt like there wasn’t much of her and I’m not sure I like her but only because we only saw so little of her. As for Meg I really really wanted to like her more because she likes fashion and everything but I don’t know... her wanting to marry so early and become a house wife... that ruined her a little for me because I have to admit I am with Jo on that one I feel like she could have done so much more in her life than what she got, I am reaching high as Jo, I don’t want such a “boring” life like Meg. Other that that I also really loved the time period they live in and I love how their mother thought them to be nice and so lovely, I love how they have given their Christmas food to that poor family and how they have been taking care of the so so beautiful! Ah but that guy, Friedrich something... I didn’t liked him at all and I don’t like it that Jo chose him in the end but what can one do... I’m really proud of Jo tho, that she didn’t give up and that she made it as writer and I am really looking forward to read the book!

Next we have ‘The Sun is also a Star’ movie, as I mentioned in one of my previous posts ‘The Sun is also a Star’ is one of my favourite books of all time ( by the way I found the notes I took while reading the book and I to this day regret not writing a discussion about it...) so I was very exited to see what they did with the movie and I had very high expectations! I must say I liked it of course it wasn’t as good as the book but it was all right I guess. There were tho some things that bothered me, I am aware that the movie can’t be exactly as the book but still I think those changes they made are kind of crucial and that’s why they bothered me so much. Starting with the fact that they made out of that one day where everything takes place into one day and a half like nooooo just no!!!! They ruined the magic of that one beautiful perfect day, the book starts in the morning and it ends at night with her leaving and not like in the movie the folowing day!!!! The other thing is that they left out that security guard lady, in the book for me that lady had such an important role and I can’t agree with them leaving her out in the movie! And this point also leads us to the ending, it bothered me that they didn’t found each other again in the airpale (with the help of the security guard lady) I cryed so much when I read that part and I don’t agree with how they made them meet again in that coffee shop it’s just not accurate! I know it’s impossible to do everything perfect and I konw I am beeeing nit-picking but still. And not to forget how they changed the thing with the lawyer guy, or better say how they left out that it was his fault that Natasha had to leave, because of his affair with his secretary, I still blame him and I don’t agree with him beeing so innocent in the movie! I know I have criticsed this movie a lot but I did enjoyed whatching it and did like it!

I also watched those new dance movies on Netflix the one with Sofia Carson, ‘Feel the Beat’ I believe it’s called and the other one with Sabrina Carpenter and Liza Koshy, ‘Work it’. I had such a great time watching them they gave me such happy feelings! I have to say tho that I liked ‘Feel the Beat’ more, in my eyes it was better than ‘Work it’ but they were both really good and funny! They made me want to dance again, I feelt really sad that I gave up dancing because I really love dancing and I belive that in an other life I was supposed to be a dancer but you can’t change the past...

Oh my how is it possible that I almost forgot to mention this amazing movie... I also watched Enola Holmes and my God did I have a great time watching it! It had everything I ever wanted, it was funny, it had mystery in it ( I always love myself a good mystery), it took place in London (London is my favourite city ever), there was British accet all over the place, it had action and not to forget Sam Claflin also had a role in it, (I love Sam Calflin)!  I also love Millie Bobby Brown and she was once again amazing! It was really really good I highly highly recomend watching it!!! (Not to repeat myself but this was also a very inspiring movie 😂😂)

And because I am already at it and I was more than excited when it came out I want to mention how much I love Shawn Mendes new song ‘Wonder’, that song is such a masterpeace I can’t listen to it enough I am basicly crying every time I hear it, because of how much I love it and how much it toches my hearth! The lyrics ahhhhhh......😍😍😍so so so beautiful I just can’t and don’t get me started on the music video! And when I watched the trailer to his documetary the other day I was screaming and crying at the same time with excitement I can’t wait to watch it!!! And I can’t wait to listen to the new album, December can’t come soon enogh! If all the songs on that album are as good as ‘Wonder’ I think I’m going to pass out!!

Can we also talk about how Ariana Grande is releasing a new album this month??!! Like how unespected and more than welcomed is that! The single is coming out tonight and I can’t wait for it!

Even tho I’m still on my One Direction phase from the summer and I don’t think it will ever go away, I still welcome this new music with all my hearth! ( Yes I am kind of 10 years to late with my obsession with One Direction but I don’t care I love them and they have totaly marekd my summer this year and they got me trough the hard days.) They are my happy place and my go to running songs! I also will forever love and treasure Harry Styles esspecially young Harry Styles like omg my heart😍😍! 

And because I started talking about it I have to mention it now because I forgot to do it in my ‘Chain of Gold booktalk’ the song ‘Slow Hands’ by our boy Nail I totally conect it with Matthew Fairchild, I can’t explain why but I do! I tend to do this thing where I conect a certain song with a book character, the one song I am obsessed with at that time I am reading a certain book tends to become the song of one of the characters and every time I listen to that song I think about that character. Like ‘Boyfriend’ by Ariana Grande is in my head Julian Blackthorn’s song and ‘Havana” by Camila Cabello Isabell Lightwood’s. Does that make sens? Probably not and I also got totaly of topic I’m really sorry!

I think I am going to end it here because this post is gotten way to long again. If you made it here thank you so much for readig and I hope to see you in my next never ending post😂😂😂! Have a great day!

[awed-frog]

big bones don’t lie - griffins

[If you found my blog because you’re curious about Greek people mixing up prehistoric bears and demigods, this post is for you. I studied archaeology with a focus on other things, and the research on this topic goes back decades, but imo the best book on how dinosaur bones influenced mythology is Adrienne Mayor’s The First Fossil Hunters. I strongly suggest you support this amazing historian and buy her stuff - she’s a great writer and she specializes in folklore and geomythology, it doesn’t get much cooler than that - but if you can’t and you’re interested in the subject - well, I believe scientific knowledge should be shared and accessible to everyone, so here are a few highlights. Part one of six.] 

Griffins: a very mysterious mystery

“A race of four-footed birds, almost as large as wolves and with legs and claws like lions.” 

The one thing you need to know about griffins is that they don’t really fit in anywhere. They have no powers, they don’t help heroes, they’re not defeating gods or anything like that. Technically speaking, they’re not even monsters - people thought griffins were legit - real animals who lived in Central Asia and sat on golden eggs and mostly killed anyone who went near them. And okay, someone might say, ‘Frog, what’s fishy about that? People used to be dumb as rocks and there’s plenty of bizarro animals out there, anyway’ and yeah, that’s a very good point - except for one thing. See, what’s creepy about griffins is that we’ve got drawings and descriptions of them spanning ten centuries and thousands of miles, and yet they always. look. the. freaking. same. 

Like, here’s how people imagined elephants.

This is insanely funny and probably why God sent the Black Death to kill everyone, but also pretty common tbh, because a) people want to feel involved, b) people are liars who lie and c) it’s hard to imagine stuff you’ve never seen. So the more a story is passed around, the more it’s going to gain and lose details here and there, until you get from dog-footed hairy monkey of doom to plunger-nosed horror on stilts. But griffins - art or books, they’re consistently described as wolves-sized mammals with a beaked face. So that’s what made Adrienne Mayor go, Uh. 

And what she did next is she started digging around in Central Asia, because that’s the other thing everyone agreed on: that griffins definitely lived there and definitely came from there. And this is where things get really interesting, because as it turns out, on one side of the Urals you’ve got Greeks going, ‘Mate, the Scythians, you know - they’ve got these huge-ass lion birds, I’m not even shitting you rn’ while on the other side of the Urals - wow and amaze - you’ve got Siberian tribes singing songs about the ‘bird-monsters’ and how their ancestors slaughtered them all because they were Valiant and Good.

(This according to a guy studying Siberian traditions in the early 1800s, anyway, because you know who writes stuff down? Not nomads, bless them: dragging around a shitload of books on fucking horseback is not a kind of life anyone deserve to live.)

And anyway, do you know what else those Mighty Ancestors did? They mined gold sand, and they kept tripping over dinosaur bones because that entire area is full of both things and some places are lucky like that. And in fact, the more excavations were carried out in ancient Scythian settlements, the more we started to realize that those guys were even more obsessed with griffins than the Greek were. Hell, some warriors even had griffins tattooed on their bodies? 

And it’s probably all they ever talked about, because that’s when griffins suddenly appear in the Mediterreanean landscape: when Greek people start trading (and talking) with the Scythians.

(Another important note here, not that I’m not bitter or anything: something else those excavations are showing is that Herodotus was fucking right about fucking everything, SO THERE. Father of lies my ass, he was the only sensible guy in that whole bean-avoiding, monster-fucking, psychopathic and self-important Greek ‘intelligentsia’ and they can all fuck off and die and we don’t care about temples Pausy you dumb bitch we want to hear about the tree people and the Amazons and the fucking griffins goddammit. Uuugh. /rant)

So anyway, Scythian nomads had been hunting for gold in places with exciting names like ‘the field of the white bones’ and basically dying of exposure because mountains, so Herodotus (and others) got this right as well: that successful campaigns could take a long-ass time, and very often people just disappeared, never to be heard from again. What everybody got less right: the nomads and adventurers and gold miners weren’t killed by griffins, because by the time they started traveling into those mountains, ‘griffins’ had been dead for hundreds of thousands of years. What they did see, and what was sure to spook the fuck out of them, were fossils - and, more precisely, protoceratops skulls, which can be found on all the major caravan routes from China all the way to Uzbekistan and are so ubiquitous paleontologists call them ‘a damn nuisance’.

And guess what they look like.

Just fucking guess.

[Left: a golden griffin, Saka-Scyhtian culture; right: psittacosaurus skull, commonly found in Uzbekistan and the western Gobi.]

Also, fun detail if you’re into gory and painful ways of dying: many of the dino skeletons are found standing up, because the animals would be caught in sand storms and drop dead. So basically you’d be riding your horse and minding your own gold-related business when all of a sudden you see the empty sockets of a beaked something staring at you and yeah - as a reminder, the idea of evolution was not a thing until Darwin, so any Scythian or Siberian tribesman seeing something like that would assume there was a fairly good fucking chance of a live whatever-the-hell-this-is waiting for him behind the next hill. And that’s what he’d say to Greek traders over a bowl of fermented mare’s milk: to stay the fuck away from those mountains, because griffins, man, they’re fucking real and there’s hundreds of them and anyway, maybe write that down if writing’s something you’re into, never saw the point myself but eh, to each his own, right, and cheers, good health, peace and joy to the ancestors. 

Man, don’t you just love mythology?

(How fossils influenced mythology: part two, Cyclops, will be up soon.) 

[thenamesseven]

Pairing: Jooheon x Reader

Word count: 3.70k

I hope you like it!

                            -------------------------------------------------------

A couple of months ago, if anyone had told Jooheon a girl would be getting on his nerves to drive him nuts almost everyday he would have laughed at their face, calling them crazy, advising them to visit a psychiatric. It was almost a year since he finally reached the top, becoming the boss of a successful and fearful gang that owned most of the city so there wasn’t anybody that was not afraid of him, in fact, he was sure that even some of his gang members were sometimes intimidated by his presence.

Could you blame him though? He was just powerful.

Obviously that was until you appeared out of nowhere.

It was a calm night for Jooheon, business had finally been done and he could head back home to get in his enormous bathtub and dip in there until his skin got wrinkled. He was in the mood for some bubbles and relaxing music after a stressful week and as he walked out of his club, hands dug in his coat’s pockets and face half hidden thanks to the black scarf around his neck he thought nothing in the world could stop him. How genuine of him, little did he know he was about to encounter the biggest challenge in his life, who so casually happened to be you. A sigh escaped his lips as he got in his car, quickly turning the ignition on so he could start heating up the inside of the vehicle, second task was turning on the radio, searching for his favorite station to enjoy the sound of his favorites songs coming through his speakers.

Jooheon started driving down the road, humming quietly as he tapped his fingers on the steering wheel. Since it was late and there wasn’t any pedestrians around he sped up, willing to get home as fast as he could, he wasn’t a reckless driver not only because he was scared of hurting anybody but because he wouldn’t commit the stupidity of dying in a silly car accident and giving his gang to some asshole who would probably lose his legacy. Jooheon needed to be careful if he wanted his name to be remembered.

“Shit!”

He slammed the brakes as soon as he noticed you crossing the road. He had been too deep in his thoughts and by what he could see in the little panicking scan he did to you to make sure he hadn’t killed you, you had been too focused on your phone, blaring music through your earphones too loud to notice him speeding down the road at max speed. Jooheon stood there, breathing heavy as his knuckles turned white when he gripped the steering wheel tighter. His eyes found yours and it surprised him that instead of finding you almost scared shitless, you seemed to be about to explode.

“Are you fucking crazy!?” You seethed at him, not moving from your spot on the middle of the crosswalk, eyes opened wide and cheeks red. Your heart pounding hard against your chest.

Jooheon knew it was partly his fault since he had been driving faster than he was supposed to but the way you talked to him, the way you seemed to be about to murder him got his blood boiling. Didn’t you know who were you talking to? Where you really that suicidal?

“I think the one who is insane is you, don’t you know who you’re talking with babe?”

The nickname was your last straw, after moving in a completely new city and losing your luggage before getting lost looking for your new apartment and wandering around those creepy alleyways by yourself to say you were stressed would be a huge understatement.

“The biggest asshole in the city, it seems” You replied standing in front of the car, crossing your arms on your chest. Your challenging pose, the insult you threw him had Jooheon using all his self control to not step on the throttle and giving you a lesson.

“Excuse me?” He asked, leaning one arm on the opened window.

“Yeah, apology not accepted, you almost kill me jerk”

That was it for Jooheon. Pushing the instant wish of killing you and deciding it would be more amusing to scare you, he stepped on the throttle, causing the car to jerked forward faster than expected giving you the impression he was about to run over you with his beautiful yet expensive car. When he stopped the car some mere inches away from your body, you swallowed the lump of fear that got stuck in your throat and stepped forward, closing the distance between the car and you.

You don’t know what pushed you to do it, it probably was the awful cocktail that appeared whenever you mixed adrenaline, frustration and embarrassment but before Jooheon could notice your movements, you lifted your leg and kicked one of the car lights, shattering the glass with your foot. Needless to say, you took advantage from Jooheon’s shock to run away before he decided it would definitely be a good idea to run into you with his car.

Since that night you two became inseparable. Fate kept pulling you two together, making you grew fond of Jooheon’s gang mates and hanging out with them more often than you should despite Jooheon’s obvious dislike for you, the feeling was mutual though, you just couldn’t stand each other. That was one of the main reasons as to why the guys liked messing with you two and that’s how, somehow, they had managed to lock you up in one of the guest bedroom’s of the house with Jooheon at a party.

You were sitting on the bed, accepting reality and already preparing yourself to stand Jooheon’s company until the guys outside decided you could get out. On the other hand, Jooheon was probably seconds away of breaking his shoulder for slamming it repeatedly against the locked door trying to break it down. You huffed out some air, blowing a strand of hair away from your face as you leaned back on your arms, closing your eyes in an attempt to block the awful silence of Jooheon’s self-destructive behaviour.

“Jooheon, could you please stop?” You asked five minutes later, already tired of him trying to escape the room. Was your company seriously that bad? Plus, you were slightly concerned of him injuring himself even when you would never admit it.

Jooheon turned around, his eyes filled of frustration meeting yours as he stood there, breathing as hard as if he had run the longest marathon in the world. “This is all your fault” He muttered, quietly groaning when he moved his sore shoulder. It wouldn’t be a surprise if he had managed to break his bone.

“My fault?” You asked, both of your eyebrows lifted up in surprise “How is this my fault? Don’t you realize the suffering is mutual here?”

“Yeah, I knew that even you couldn’t stand yourself” You scoffed at his words, shaking your head.

“You’re unbelievable” You muttered under your breath, throwing yourself down onto the mattress hearing Jooheon smirk

“I know, I’m too perfect for this world”

When Jooheon started inflating his own ego even more you took that as your cue to stop whatever minimal conversation, which usually consisted in exchanges of insults, you had going on to stop. Resting your hands on your stomach you laid on your back, staring at the ceiling until you closed your eyes, maybe falling asleep wasn’t a bad idea since time would go by faster.

Not hearing any snarky comments coming from you Jooheon tilted his head, his eyes landing on your body. He gulped quietly, tracing the curves of your figure that the cloth of your dress seemed to embrace so well, leaving nothing for the imagination. Also since you were laying down the hem of your dress had gone up your thighs, letting his eyes travel down your legs until he reached your sexy high heels which definitely made you taller than you really were. Letting out a breath he forced his eyes to move up to your face and right there, looking so peaceful, so relaxed, Jooheon had to admit that you were one of the most beautiful girls he had ever been with. Actually, the fact that you weren’t scared of him, made you even more attractive.

You weren’t afraid of talking back to him. You were a brat that had to be tamed.

“Stop checking me out” You muttered still with your eyes closed, the pout on your red lips telling Jooheon you weren’t happy with what he was doing.

“Stop flashing your lacy underwear then” He replied lying, your underwear was something he had been too afraid to look at. It would drive him crazy and he would struggle to hold himself back.

“What? Are you scared of seeing my panties Jooheon?” You challenged, sitting up so you could look at him better “Want to check out the bra? It matches my panties” You scoffed joking, taking off your high heels to get more comfortable.

“You want me to see you naked that bad, baby?” He sat down on a chair facing you, smirk on his face and pupils slightly dilated, you didn’t know if it was because of the alcohol you two drank or the sexual tension that was arising in the room at a very fast pace. Jooheon spread his legs, he looked so cocky, so manly that you couldn’t help but get a little turned on. “Give me a show, strip for me kitten”

Truth was, if Jooheon wasn’t such a jerk to you for most of the time you would have already made a move on him. He was hot, smart and cared enough about the ones he loves and even when he didn’t admit it, you knew he also cared about you because if that wasn’t the case he would have pushed you away, ruined your life or murder you, those were the fates of the people Jooheon disliked. The little pulling game that you two had in which the both of you fought to have the last word, in which you two wanted to tame the other had turned addicting, obsessive and had ended up creating sexual tension. He found your attitude hot, you found him incredibly attractive.

It was only a matter of time before the two of you ended up in bed together, maybe the other guys knew this too and that’s why they decided to lock the two of you inside the room.

“Yeah, you’ll cum in your pants before my dress hits the floor” Jooheon scoffed at your words, his tongue poking the inside of his cheek.

“Mhmm, keep acting as if you don’t want to fuck me”

“I wouldn’t fuck you even if you were the last man on Earth”

Those words definitely scratched Jooheon’s ego. Maybe he had been wrong and his weird attraction for you was only one sided but you kept sending him mixed signals like your little squirming whenever he laid eyes on you on that bed or the way you had seemed to lift up your dress even more, temping him, driving him crazy. Not being able to stand your bratty insults anymore, Jooheon stood up from the chair and in two long strides he was standing in front of you, glaring down into your eyes. It was the first time you truly felt intimidated by him.

“J-Jooheon?” You were about to apologize when he reached down, gripping some of your hair and pulling it back to make you face him. Seeing you looking intimidated by him for the first time turned Jooheon on so much that he unconsciously tightened the grip on your hair, biting his lower lip as he stared at you.

“Stand up” He ordered sternly and you didn’t even waste a second to obey him. You’ve never seen Jooheon being so dominant around you and saying it didn’t turn you on would be a big ass lie. “Mhmm look at you” He whispered letting go of your hair, roughly slamming your body against his hard chest. His hands instantly went down to your ass, squeezing the flesh so hard that you groaned “Saying you don’t want to fuck me but showing me that slutty underwear”

“You were the one peeking”

Those words were so wrong to say.

As soon as they got out of your lips Jooheon delivered such a hard smack to your ass cheek that a surprised tear rolled down your cheek. Jooheon’s big palm started caressing gently where he smacked you, soothing the strong pain while his lips moved closer to your ear “That’s what happens to bad girls kitten” He whispered, his lips trapping your earlobe, nibbling it gently “Good girls get rewards though”

You felt one of his hands snaking down your hips, gently lifting the hem of your dress enough to reach your panties, his fingertips quickly finding the small wet spot that had formed on your panties “You’re loving this, don’t you?” He asked when his thumb started rubbing your clit, a quiet whimper leaving your lips “You’ve wanted my attention all this time” He smirked when you didn’t complain about him pulling your panties down so he could rub your clit and tease your wet folds “You’re so wet for me baby, do you want my cock that bad?”

Later you would blame the alcohol, you would say you were too drunk to deny some good rough sex and everybody would believe that you weren’t interested in Jooheon. You had the perfect excuse and that’s why you nodded your head, silently admitting you wanted him without hesitation.

Jooheon smirked, leaning down to lick your lips, denying your attempt to kiss him when you leaned forward. “Too bad you haven’t been a good girl” He replied looking into your eyes mockingly, as if the joke was on you. He knew he had you wrapped around his finger and even though you hated being controlled by somebody else you couldn’t help but love this new side of Jooheon. “On your knees kitten, time to fuck that bratty mouth of yours”

He pulled your hair down, yanking his hand out of your panties as he waited for you to get on your knees but for some stupid reason, you didn't want to do that. You didn't want to make things easy for Jooheon even though you knew you would pay the consequences. He pulled your hair a second time, giving you a chance to redeem yourself but again you just stared into his eyes and smirked.

“Oh babygirl you don’t want to play this game, get on your knees”

“You wish Jooheonie~” The teasing tone in your voice and the way you smiled as if his actions were a huge joke to you, made him so mad.

He was going to teach you a lesson, there was no turning back now.

Jooheon let go of your hair and reached down to grab both of your wrists and pulled you against the nearest wall to the both of you. Your chest was pressed flat against the hard surface, not letting you escape his teasing when Jooheon pressed his front against your back. His erection rubbing against your butt, turning you on even more with the feel of his size and thickness, he would fill you up so well. You groaned, too turned on at this point to keep yourself quiet.

“Bad girls get punished I told you” He whispered against your ear, hands holding yours above your head, lips brushing against your neck and his erection digging into you ass. Before you could feel more of him, he turned you around, slamming your back against the wall.

You hissed at the soft pain, biting your lower lip really hard as you stared into his eyes “Fuck me already”

“Mhm, cute” He smirked “Quite eager, aren't we?” Jooheon’s hand moved down your body, finding its way back to your panties “Such a shame you decided to wear this pretty underwear and…” He trailed off, surprising you when he ripped your panties and threw the broken piece of cloth onto the floor “Not behave”

“Jooheon, fuck! Those were expensive you know!?” You shouted, clearly not happy with what he did.

He grabbed your jaw with one hand keeping your eyes on him while the other hand teased your clit, rubbing it in small yet fast circles to arouse you even more “Do I look like a care?” He asked, leaning in quickly to press his lips against yours.

The kiss was hot and fueled by anger. Jooheon had finally let go of your hands to dig his fingers on your hips as you two kissed, your arms had made their way to his neck while one of your hands gripped the hair on the back of his head, willing to make him feel as much pain as he inflicted on you. Once he felt both of your hands on his body, he took the opportunity to unzip his pants and pick you up, wrapping your thighs around his waist and pressing you up against the door that guys had kept lock.

You groaned, feeling some pain on your back because of the strength he used to press you up against the door, your nails digging into his shirt. “I’m going to fuck you so hard that the guys will hear your moans over the music” He whispered, a rush of excitement going through your body as he lifted the hem of your dress. Without a previous warning he thrusted inside you, filling you up with his whole member in one long and rough thrust, the feeling of his cock stretching your inner walls, making you hiss. It felt like he was breaking you apart “Fuck, you’re so tight” He whispered against your neck, leaving gentle kisses on your skin.

“Jooheon” You moaned his name, your head back against the wall as you kept your eyes closed tight

“Mhm?” He started moving his hips slower than before, giving you time to get used to the feeling of him inside of you so he wouldn’t injure you “What is it babygirl?” His fingers dug into the flesh of your thighs, his lips moving up your neck to brush against yours, teasing you, tantalizing you.

“Faster” You gasped, letting out another low moan

“You want it faster?” He asked with a smirk on his face, his hips moving slower on purpose. You whimpered, obviously bothered by his gesture “Ask nicely kitten, all you have to do is say the magic word”

“Fuck you” You muttered hot, bothered, angry for not getting the sexual satisfaction you so much needed. Jooheon chuckled looking up at you, leaning back down to suck on your neck as his hips moved even slower. You couldn’t stand it, at this point, Jooheon would kill you “Please, fuck me faster”

“What was that?” His voice turned husky, his hips stuttering a little at the delightful sound of you begging for him

“Please Jooheon fuck me faster, harder” You begged, louder this time, at the edge of tears “Please, please, I need you so fucking bad”

For the first time Jooheon listened to your words and did as you begged, fucking you so hard against the door that it was a miracle you two hadn’t broken it down. His hips moved at such a fast and rough pace against your body that you knew you wouldn’t be able to walk when he was done, nobody had ever fuck you like that and it would be difficult to find somebody that could fill you up like Jooheon was doing. He was pretty vocal too, you knew your moans weren’t probably the only thing that the guys would be able to hear over the music. Jooheon called you names, groaned every time your inner walls squeezed him and moaned whenever he felt himself getting close to his own ecstasy.

“You like being fucked like this mhm?” He asked panting, his sweaty forehead against yours, your body hitting the door every time he pushed inside of you “Like the little slut you are”

“Yes Jooheon” You moaned loud, the tip of his cock caressing your g-spot and sending you straight into heaven “Fuck, fuck, fuck, please don’t stop...I’m so close”

“You’re not allowed to cum yet, don’t you dare do it” He growled, moaning as he tried to push in deeper, harder wanting to make your moans louder, wanting to make everybody hear how good he was making you feel. You groaned, scratching his back almost ripping the cloth of his shirt “Say you’re mine, say you’re my slut and I’ll let you cum baby” You shook your head, his cock twitching and your clit throbbing while he massaged it. “Say it (Y/N)!” He half shouted, half moaned.

“I’m your slut!” You shouted “I’m all yours, please just let cum” You begged

Jooheon reached his orgasm as soon as he heard those words, filling you up entirely with his hot, sticky cum as his hips stuttered still inside of you. The loud moan the merge from his throat got you shivering against him, biting your lip hard as you looked down at him waiting for Jooheon to recover from his high so he could help you cum. When he pushed away from the door and guided you to the bed, you couldn’t help but smile thinking he only wanted the both of you to be more comfortable.

However he let you down, kissed your lips gently and with heavy breathing started reaching down to the floor to grab his pants. You looked at him frowning, not sure why he was doing that when you clearly were not done yet.

“Jooheon?” You asked biting your lower lip.

He turned his head to look at you with his usual smirk, holding back the urge of kissing you once again “Bad girls don’t get to cum kitten, I hope you learn your lesson”

He loved the shocked look on your face. He finally forced you to admit you were his.

The brat inside you had been tamed by none other than him.

[choicesfanatic86]

TTS: Part 48

DISCLAIMER:  All characters belong to Pixelberry Studios, except characters unique to my story.  Those belong to me. ;)

PAIRINGS:  Riley (MC) x OC, Riley (MC) x Liam, Liam x Riley (MC) x OC, Olivia x Drake, Bertrand x Savannah, Maxwell x OC

SUMMARY:  Riley & Andy chat about their love lives.

If you are new to the series and would like to catch up by reading previous parts, please check out my master fan fiction listing.  CATCH UP HERE

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5/13/2019 - Ya’ll there is no excuse for how long I’ve been gone.  Life got crazy and unfortunately my Choices obsession had to take a backseat.  I’m back and writing again, and I’m so excited to rejoin the community and give you closure to the pieces I’ve had up, and introduce you to some new pieces as well.  I still love Choices and plan on getting updated on all the new stories too!

Thanks for all the feedback.  I LOVE IT. :)

Part 48 -  Girl Talk

Riley awoke with a small smile across her lips.  Had last night really happened?  Maybe she should pinch herself to make sure she wasn’t still dreaming?  Nope, not a dream.  She chuckled to herself.  How on earth did Liam always manage to sweep her off her feet?  She had been wary to make the trek back to Cordonia.  Okay, he had been more than wary, she had been downright reluctant to ever set foot in the country again.  She’d had her heart broken twice there, and she wasn’t in the market to have it happen a third time.  And although she woke with a sense of peace for the first time in months, she, admittedly, still had a whole lot of worry lingering inside of her.  But, just as he always did, Liam went far beyond any of her expectations.  First the office, then his impromptu visit and his talk of wooing her again – it wasn’t what she had expected at all.  She had been so certain that all they could ever be together again was co-parents, yet, here he was changing trying to change her mind yet again.  Could this really work?  Was this finally her second chance?  Could they finally have the happily ever after that she had so desperately wanted back when they first met?  She shook her head, trying to bring herself back to reality.  Her life would be forever different now.  Her wants, her needs, none of it mattered because she had an entirely new focus to think about now.  Her only focus was the health and safety of their lima bean.

Her hand drifted down toward her belly, grazing the still unnoticeable bump.  She rolled over in bed and paused for a moment, waiting for the familiar feeling of nausea to come over her . . . but there was nothing.  That was odd.  Most days she was awoken by the rumbling sensation of nausea deep within her stomach, but today there was nothing except butterflies - the good kind.  Her mind drifted back to Liam once more, and she released a sigh.  The evening spent with Liam played back in her head.  A courtship?  The idea alone caused a shiver down her spine.  It wasn’t traditional . . . at least not by any sort of American terms, and she wondered what exactly Liam had in mind.  As she recalled, dating in Cordonia was lavish, and while she admitted the exciting rendezvous she went on with Liam when they first met took her breath away, it was highly impractical to go along those lines of dating given the current situation they found themselves in.  After all, they weren’t just dating to see if they liked each other and to have fun.  It was dating to see if they could have a future together.  Talk about a lot of pressure.  Would she be ready to commit to the future with him?  Truly commit?  A life forever bound to Cordonian culture and society?  A life as queen?  She mentally chided herself.  Mere moments ago she was in a state of euphoria, and now here she was thinking of everything that could possibly go wrong.  She shook her head, pushing the uncertainties out of her mind for the time being.  All she could do was take things one day at a time.  They had four weeks.  Four weeks to give their relationship another chance.  She wasn’t going to think about any of the what ifs or maybes until then.

She ambled down the staircase slowly, the smell of something delicious making its way out of the kitchen.  The fact that she hadn’t woken with the nagging feeling of nausea was something to celebrate in itself.  The fact that she suddenly had an appetite was an added bonus.  She quickly wandered into the kitchen, mouth salivating.  

She spotted Andy putting on a pot of coffee as music blared from her iPhone.  She shimmied around the kitchen like she owned it, dancing along without a care in the world.  Riley could barely contain the smile on her face.  She looked absolutely ridiculous, but she also looked happier than she had ever seen her.  What more could she have wished for her best friend?

“Good morning, Future Mrs. Beaumont,” Riley sing-songed loudly over the blaring music.  “Someone is up bright and early this morning,” she teased her.

Andy jumped a little, throwing a hand to her chest.  “You scared the crap out of me,” she gasped.  “What are you doing up so early?”

Riley shrugged.  “I heard some movement down here and figured I’d see who was up,” she smiled.  “Little did I know that the Future Mrs. Beaumont was up and about dancing her way through the kitchen,” she teased.

Andy beamed at Riley, as she turned to the coffee pot that had just chimed.  “I love the way that sounds,” she sighed contently as she poured herself a cup of coffee.  “You need to call me that all the time, okay?” She chuckled.  “I still can’t believe it,” she grinned widely as she continued to flutter around the kitchen.  “Being engaged has me feeling so . . . domestic,” she laughed.  

“Apparently,” Riley agreed, her head turning toward all the dishes.  “My gosh,” Riley looked around the full countertops.  Andy must have been up for hours already.  There were dishes of pancakes, bacon, scrambled eggs, waffles and even some grits bubbling on the stove.  Andy had even managed to whip up a batch of sweet tea.  In all the time that she had known and lived with Andy, she had never showed that she had a domestic bone in her body.  She could barely pick up after herself let alone make an entire meal by herself.  “You did all of this?”

“I couldn’t sleep,” she said excitedly.  “I wanted to call my parents at a decent hour in New York time,” she explained.  “Then once I had, I just couldn’t stop talking,” she exclaimed giddily.  “I chatted with mom for over an hour about wedding plans.  Did you know that my sneaky fiancé had my parents in on the whole thing!” She squealed.

Riley’s eyes widened in surprise as she shook her head.  “I didn’t.” She hadn’t actually been privy to the fact that there was about to be an engagement at all.  The last she knew, Bertrand had talked him out of proposing.  Then again, that had been months ago.  It amazed her that Maxwell had kept such a life-changing decision a secret, especially from her.  But it certainly didn’t surprise her that Maxwell had opted to include Andy’s parents in his plan.  Family was something very important to him, and considering that his own parents were long gone, she could certainly see why he would want Andy’s parents to be involved.  After all, they would become his parents, too, once they got married.  “How on earth did he manage that?”

“He took their numbers from my phone,” she explained.  “He’s such a sly dog,” she chuckled.  “Well, you can imagine what an awkward telephone call that was considering that I’d only just told them about him a few weeks prior,” she mused.  “He ended up meeting with them while we were in New York!  Can you believe that?” She asked.  “I mean, I was so distracted with everything that was going on with you and the baby that I didn’t realize he was off schmoozing with the parentals,” she said merrily.  “My parents didn’t say a single thing,” she murmured.

“Well, aren’t proposals supposed to be a surprise?” Riley asked.

“Yes, well if that was the intent, he most certainly nailed it,” she gushed.  

“How did they react to the news?”  Riley asked.  Andy’s parents were well-to-do New Yorkers, but they weren’t the least bit snooty.  They were relatively open-minded and supported Andy in every endeavor she had . . . even if her decisions were a bit off the wall at times.

“As any parent would I suppose,” she shrugged.  “Mom told me they were a bit surprised about how quickly our relationship had been progressing, but she admitted that Maxwell was absolutely endearing.  He even made a whole presentation as to why he would be the best suited life partner for me,” she sighed dreamily.  “Mom said it was adorable.  He had the ring with him and everything.  He told them that he wanted them to feel like they were a part of the whole thing, even though they’d be back in New York when it actually did happen.  Mom said they were so worried at first since he seemed a bit . . . eccentric, but in true Maxwell form, he won them over with his charm,” she said a bit wistfully.

“And your dad?” Riley asked

“Dad thought he was insane!” Andy laughed.  “But he said he could tell that Maxwell was an honest guy who really did care about me.  It helped that Maxwell tried to butter him up with the offer to take him fishing when they finally made it out to Cordonia.”

“Does Maxwell even know the first thing about fishing?” Riley asked.

“He knows absolutely nothing,” Andy laughed.  “He was just so desperate to make some sort of connection with my father that he fudged his way through.  Of course, my father saw through him right away.  He said that any man that would go through so much trouble to pretend he liked fishing had to have it bad for his daughter.  So, when he asked for their blessing, he found it rather hard to tell him no,” she murmured.

“I’m sure,” Riley nodded in agreement.  “He’s a pretty difficult guy to turn down,” she said thoughtfully.  Riley couldn’t help it, but she started to get misty-eyed over the entire thing.  Maxwell and Andy were going to have such an amazing life together.  She just knew it.  She admitted that when they first got together, she was a tad bit wary.  Maxwell had just come back into her life, and she was worried that if things soured between him and Andy, she’d be forced to choose between the two, and she hated to admit it, but her roommate had the upper hand.  But after only a few days in, she knew there was something different about their relationship.  They both genuinely seemed to care for one another, and it was apparent, that the connection went far deeper than just a casual fling.  Still, she couldn’t believe that her two best friends were settling down - with one another no less.  Who knew that it would only take a plane ride and a few thousand miles for their love connection to happen?

“Hey, no crying,” Andy admonished.

“These are happy tears, I promise,” Riley said, wiping the tears from her eyes.  “I can’t control these damn hormones,” she chuckled lightly.  “I’m just so excited for you guys,” she murmured.  “It’s been a whirlwind, hasn’t it?” Riley commented.  Thinking back on everything that happened over the last few months, things had changed tremendously.

“I’m so happy you’re here,” Andy said as she placed a glass of water in front of Riley and sat next to her.  “I can’t imagine going through all of this without you,” she smiled lightly . Riley forced a small smile out.  She didn’t want to remind Andy that she didn’t know how long she’d be staying in Cordonia.  She didn’t want her friend to get her hopes up that this was a permanent move.  “So? Any wedding plans?  Did you guys set a date or anything?” Riley asked, taking a sip out of a glass of water.

Andy shook her head.  “We’re hoping for a long engagement,” she explained.  “I want my parents to be able to fly up here and get to know Maxwell, and I also want to be a bit more settled as a couple in our own space before we get married.  The house won’t be ready for a while, but I don’t really like the idea of being newlyweds with Bertrand lurking around at every corner,” she cringed at the thought.

Riley could relate thinking back to Bertrand chaperoning her date night with Liam.  She knew that his protectiveness came from a place of love, but she couldn’t help but think that he was also being rather overbearing.  Even her own parents hadn’t been as apprehensive about what she did.  Bertrand took protectiveness to a whole new level.  “Yeah, tell me about it,” she rolled her eyes.  “Liam stopped by last night, and Bertrand was like a guard dog.  You know, he actually had the audacity to require me to leave the door open.  He acted like we were a bunch of horny teenagers who were about to jump each other at any given second.”

Andy laughed.  “Well . . . can you blame him?  You did lock yourself in your bedroom last time around for days on end,” she eyed Riley suggestively.

“Shut up,” Riley frowned.

“It’s just such a Bertrand thing to do,” she said in between side-splitting chuckles.  “He’s delusional to think that things can’t happen when the door his open,” she snickered.

Riley blushed a little.  “Liam and I aren’t even at that point . . . in our . . . thing,” she sighed.  She didn’t really know how to explain the dynamic between them.  Their conversation last night hadn’t exactly solidified anything between them except that they would court one another for four weeks.

“Thing?” Andy arched an eyebrow.  “Girl, you’re having his baby, you two are way more than just a thing,” she added knowingly.

Riley let out an exasperated sigh.  “I don’t really understand what we are right now,” she said with a slight blush.  “He kind of threw me a curveball last night.”

“Ooooh, do tell,” Andy leaned closer to her eagerly.

“So, as you know, he came over last night . . .” Riley trailed off.

“And?” Andy leaned even closer.

“And, he wants to try and court me,” Riley said simply.

Andy snapped back with a look of confusion on her face.  “Court you?  What is he ninety?  That sounds like something out of a 1950s show.” Andy burst into a fit of giggles.  “You realize how lame that sounds right?” She gasped out in between laughs.  “You’re joking.  You guys are way beyond courting.  You’re about to have a kid.  He needs to put a ring on it and seal the deal.”

“Will you stop and be serious for a minute?  This is a big deal, okay?  I’m not sure if I’m ready to do a whole courtship thing,” Riley admitted quietly.

“Well yeah, I mean, courtships are a thing of the past.”  Andy crinkled her nose.

Riley couldn’t help but roll her eyes.  “Look, things are complicated right now, and I know we need to figure out what the heck we’re going to do about our future, but the idea of a courtship is kind of . . . intimidating, ” Riley shrugged.  “I need your advice.”

Andy looked at her.  “I’m not exactly a dating expert, Riley.  You of all people should know that.  Pre-Maxwell, I bounced from relationship to relationship.  I mean, I never even thought I’d be remotely close to settling down until I met him.  I used to rely on things like Tinder to find guys, and those relationships never exactly ended well,” she mused.  “Nowadays, no one does the whole dating with a purpose thing,” she reasoned.  “Welcome to the generation of random hook ups and STDs,” Andy snorted.  “I didn’t really think about finding my life partner, you know?  I mean, at our age, who really thinks about settling down with the whole white picket fence.  But I met Maxwell, and then, something changed.  I mean, yeah at first, I kind of thought, well, he’s just going to be my random European hook up that I think back on when I’m in my fifties wondering if I ever did anything adventurous in my life . . . but then, I don’t know.  We started hanging out and actually started to get to know one another, and . . . well, I fell for him.  These guys . . . they were raised differently than us.  Yes, there are so many rules . . . so many freaking rules about proper etiquette and manners, but that’s what made them who they are you know?  You found a guy who actually wants to take the time to court you,” she raised her hands in quotation marks.  “As ridiculous and old-fashioned as it sounds, that’s way better than some random douchebag trying to slide into your DMs,” she reasoned.  

Riley chuckled a little.  She was right.  Gone were the days of guys opening doors and bringing flowers on the first date.  She knew very well that guys like Liam were hard to come by, which is why she fell so crazy in love with him the first time around.

“So, are you actually going to go along with it?” Andy asked.

Riley nodded slowly.  “I told him that I would,” she sighed.  “Do you think that’s the wrong decision?” she asked, suddenly feeling so uncertain.

Andy paused thoughtfully.  “I can’t make that decision for you, Ri.”

“I know that.  But I want your opinion.  Do you think I made the wrong choice?  What if this whole thing blows up in my face?  Maybe co-parenting was the way safer option for us.  I mean, what the heck do I know about courtships?”

Andy shook her head fervently.  “Riley, just stop for a second.  Breathe.  No.  Co-parenting was so not going to work with you two.  You guys have too much history.  Honestly  . . . as stupid as courting is . . . I think that saying yes to it was the first smart decision you’ve made . . . well a part from moving back here,” she nudged her as she took a sip from her coffee cup.  “Hey, maybe this is a good thing,” she reasoned.  “Your ‘courtship’ might actually teach you guys how to actually communicate with one another instead of jumping to conclusions all the time,” she teased.

Riley threw her hand up to her chest in mock indignation.  “Ouch.”

“Just being real,” Andy said, waggling her eyebrows.  “So after you agreed to the courtship, did Casanova spend the night?  Please tell me you at least fooled around a bit.”

“Oh my God, you’re too much,” Riley shook her head.  “Yes, Andy we fooled around so much with Bertrand pacing right outside the door,” she snorted as she rolled her eyes.

“Like I said, things can still happen with the door open,” Andy winked at her.

“Stop being so crude.  We don’t have overnight privileges,” Riley assured her.  “He was a perfect gentleman who came with the best of intentions,” she said.

Andy snorted as she poured herself another cup of coffee.  “Right, and it was those gentlemanly intentions that got you in trouble,” she motioned to Riley’s stomach.  “But then again, it’s not like he can knock you up again if he let those gentlemanly intentions slide for a night.”

Riley sighed as she shook her head.  “We are nowhere near that point in this courtship thing.  Even though I can’t get pregnant again, sex will still complicate things.  Emotions get involved and it gets messy.  I just . . . I just don’t have the luxury to be careless anymore.  Not when I have the baby to think about.”

“Okay, okay, I’m sorry, Ri.  You know I’m just messing with you right?  I’m still on my engagement high and just want you to be happy, too,” she nudged her shoulder.  “So when does this courtship begin?”

“Today.” Riley answered.

Andy choked a bit on her coffee. “Wow, he certainly doesn’t waste any time,” she mused.

“Well . . . that’s the thing . . . we’re kind of working on a specific timeline,” she explained.

Andy arched an eyebrow.  “Explain,” she said simply.

“He wants me to give him four weeks to see if our relationship can be salvaged,” she began.  “So, I said I would try it out for the four weeks.”  She shrugged.  “I mean, I’m going to be here anyway, and he’s been really trying.  The least I can do is give it a shot for the lima bean’s sake.”

“And after four weeks?” Andy asked hopefully.

“And after four weeks,” Riley paused.  “I don’t know,” she furrowed her eyebrows.  “He did say that if I don’t think our relationship will work out, he won’t pressure me anymore about staying in Cordonia.  He’ll let me go back to New York and raise the baby how I want.  I mean, I guess if it doesn’t work out, we’ll just go along with the original plan of co-parenting and just move on with our lives.”

Andy grunted in disapproval.  “Yeah, right.”

“What?” Riley asked.

“You will never just move on, Riley.  Not when a baby is involved.  No matter what, that baby is half Liam’s, and no matter how much you want to believe you’ll be able to move on with your life and co-parent like it’s no big deal, it won’t work.”

Riley sat up a bit indignantly in her chair.  “What are you talking about?  Why won’t it work?”

“Because you’re head over heels crazy about this guy.  I know it.  Maxwell knows it.  Bertrand knows it.  Liam knows it.  The only person who is fighting this is you,” she smiled sadly.

Riley paused, considering her words for a moment.  Riley was so up in the air about everything, and the damn pregnancy hormones were making things worse.  “I’ve really made a mess of things, haven’t I?” She said sadly.  

Andy shook her head.  “Oh, Ri.  I didn’t want to make you feel bad.  It’s hard to maneuver through something like this.  I mean, I wish I could give you a textbook answer that would apply to this scenario, but I can’t.  I can’t imagine going through what you’re going through,” she admitted.  “I know I’ve been just as pushy as the guys about you and Liam, but I want you to know that no matter what happens, you’ve got me, okay?  I’m always going to have your back.”

“I know,” Riley nodded confidently.  “Same for me as well,” she offered.

“Look, I didn’t want to kill the mood.  I just want you to go into this courtship thing with eyes wide open.  Give the guy a chance.  Let loose a little,” she placed a hand on her shoulder, willing Riley to look at her.  “I know you’re scared, and I know there are a whole lot of things that need to be figured out, but please, just give him a chance, okay?  For him to take the risk of you going back to New York with the baby . . . he must have a whole lot of faith and love invested in this relationship.”

Of that Riley was fairly certain.  Liam had made it very clear that he loved her and their little lima bean.  She wanted desperately to believe that things will work out.  Andy was right.  She needed to give things a fair shot and she needed to open herself up to the idea of the three of them being a family.  “No, it’s okay.  Maybe I needed the tough love,” she shrugged, smiling sadly.  Riley took a strong whiff in the air around her, and changed gears for a second.  “What’s that smell?” She felt hunger pains rumbling around in her stomach, and it was a welcome sensation.  She had gotten distracted with their conversation and had forgotten about the hunger pangs she had awoken with.  She hadn’t had much of an appetite in weeks, but something Andy had cooked proved to be too much of a temptation to resist.

“Oh crap,” Andy said, jumping out of her chair.  I forgot I left the croissants in the oven,” she said, running over to the stove.  “I’ll never hear the end of it from Bertrand if I somehow burn down his kitchen,” she muttered.  “I’m sorry, I know all sorts of smells are ten times worse now that you’re pregnant,” Andy apologized.  She looked around the kitchen, her eyes wandering over the multitude of plates and dishes.  “Ugh,” she cringed.  “I know all this stuff must be making you feel absolutely nauseated, she frowned.  “I honestly didn’t think you’d be up for at least another hour, so I figured it would be safe to get all of this cooking done before you woke up.  I can open the windows to let the smell fade out,” she offered.

“Actually . . . I don’t want to jinx anything, but I think today is going to be a good day,” she said hopefully.  

“Really?” Andy asked skeptically as she pulled the croissants off the baking pan. “That will be like the first day since you found out you were knocked up,” she mused.  “Maybe your spawn is happy to be back in the land of his conception,” she laughed.

Riley narrowed her eyes at her best friend.  “That’s not funny,” she whined.  Admittedly, the same thought had run through Riley’s head when she had first woken up.  She thought that the change of scenery and timezone might have forced her body to reset itself.  

“Well, whatever it is, I hope it sticks,” she crossed her fingers and waved them in front of Riley’s face as she passed by to pull out a couple of plates.  “Dare I ask if you’d like some?”

“Well, I mean, I’ve only been starving for the last few weeks,” Riley chuckled.  “Plus, it’d be a tragedy if I let Maxwell and Bertrand eat all of this food all by themselves,” she motioned around her.

Andy laughed and started putting some bacon on her plate.  “Everything but the eggs?” Andy asked.

“Actually . . . the eggs smell sort of delicious,” Riley said thoughtfully.

Andy looked at her in surprise.  Riley hated eggs.  It had been a food aversion she had developed when she was a kid.  She wasn’t sure what it was about it that made her hate it, but eggs were just never that appealing for her.  It didn’t matter how it was cooked – fried, boiled, baked . . . it didn’t matter.  Eggs were just not her thing.  “You’re joking?” Andy asked.

“I wish,” she shook her head.  “Mind if I have some?”

“Are you sure that’s such a good idea?  What if you . . . ya know . . . upchuck it?” She asked hesitantly.

“Gross,” Riley wrinkled her nose in disgust.  “Can we not talk about upchucking when I’m not nauseous for the first time in weeks,” she sighed.  

“I just don’t want you getting a bout of that hyperemesis stuff and have you wind up in a Cordonian hospital,” she explained.  “Especially since you know what,” she said as she motioned to her stomach “isn’t exactly common knowledge.”

Riley sighed.  She knew Andy was right.  Just because she was feeling a bit better, didn’t mean that she should push it.  Winding up in the hospital in New York wasn’t exactly newsworthy.  Landing herself in the hospital here with Liam undoubtedly by her side, yeah, that would be front page news.  She wasn’t exactly ready for a media storm just yet, especially with things so up in the air about their relationship.  

“Ugh, you’re right.  Just a little of everything and no eggs.  The last thing I want is to feel queasy before my  date with Liam,” Riley finally acquiesced.

“Speaking of your date, where is he taking you?”

Riley shrugged.  “I’m actually not sure.  “We agreed that he’d pick me up around eleven . . . but that’s all I pretty much know,” she explained as she started to dig into her food.

“I like that he’s keeping it mysterious,” Andy said thoughtfully.  “It shows that he really wants to make things special for you,” she said cheerfully.

Riley nodded in agreement.  “I never really thought of it like that,” she smiled.  “You’re right, you know.  I really need to give him a chance.”

“Well, duh,” Andy said.  “Don’t you know I’m always right,” she said, trying to keep a straight face.

The two ate in silence for several minutes, before Riley looked at her best friend and smiled softly.   “Andy?”  Riley asked quietly.

“Yeah?”

“Thank you.  For talking me off the ledge earlier,” she smiled softly.  “I know it sucks to get wrapped up in all of this chaos, especially when you’re about to embark on one of the most exciting times of your life with Maxwell,” Riley said.  “So I appreciate you being here for me . . . for us,” she trailed off.

“Of course, I mean, you’d do the same for me right?” Andy said honestly.

Just as Riley was about to agree, the doorbell chimed from the main entrance.  Riley’s eyes bulged as she looked at the clock.  “Oh no, he’s like two hours early,” she said as she jumped out of her seat.  “I’m not even ready.  I still have morning breath and bed head,” she exclaimed.

“Go on and get ready,” Andy laughed.  “I’ll stall him with all this food,” she motioned around her.  “Men can’t say no to food,” she reasoned.

Riley smiled at her friend, kissing her on the cheek.  “Best friend ever,” she exclaimed happily as she ran out of the kitchen.

“And please, do something with your hair!” Andy called after her.

[afewmarvelousthoughts]

Truth Pt. 13

Master List @afewmarvelousthoughtsadmin

Request:

What’s up sug! sorry you’re struggling right now but I’ve come to help you If you could bring this to light for me I’d absolutely love for YOU TO DO JT So basically Bucky X Enhanced reader who are fuckin enemies. Hate each other to every last fiber of their beings bc Bucky is rude and she calls him out on it. AnywHs, they get drunk, truth or dare (go crZy baby) and LOTS LF dirty talk if u wanna do smut but if u don’t then buck taking care of her while she’s drunk cause she admitted her feelings

Pairing: Bucky X Reader (Enhanced)

Summary: Since The Avengers gave you a home the only blight has been Bucky Barnes, a ghost from your past that you can’t seem to shake. It makes you hate him. The feeling, it seems, is mutual. But… a simple game reveals that maybe things aren’t quite so simple. (Post Winter Soldier AU)

Warnings: Everything. Seriously. Feels, angst, violence, death, smut, fluff, trauma, literally everything.

A/N: The moment this crazy story ran away with me I knew so much of this was coming. It’s partially why I wrote the last chapter just to put off writing this one. I don’t want to say anything more because I just can’t but yeah. 

Also HUGE thanks to @wonderlandmind4 and @courtmr for betaing this monster. 

OH! And there is another chapter after this.

Tags are open!

@midnightdream83 @mywinterwolf @disagreetoagree @breezy1415 @peachthatdrinkslemonade @wonderlandmind4 @piensa-bonito @handplucked @buckysstar @sam-jae @marauderconvos –harder @for-the-love-of-the-fandom @andreagf956 @marvelousmeggi @jewelofwinter @fairislesheets  @animegirlgeeky @lydklein1 @katecolleen @siriuslycloudy2 @zannemes

Tony insisted everyone meet for brunch on Sunday around 11am. While you appreciate the gesture, after the late-night surrounded by so many people you’re kind of dreading it.

“We should make an appearance.” Bucky insists, slipping into his jeans while you’re still in one of his tee’s and your underwear in bed.

“Who even are you?”

“What?”

“Since when are you so keen on socializing?”

He laughs, “Guess you’re rubbing off on me.”

“Yeah,” begrudgingly you crawl from the bed.

“It’s a low bar babe.” As you walk to the closet he grabs you and places a nipping playful kiss on the back of your neck.

“Mmm, sure you wanna go?” You purr, reaching back and pulling his hips close.

“Yep,” he slaps your ass hard. “Get dressed.”

Just about everyone is lounging in the common space save for Hill, who you saw leave the party last night with a knockout blonde.

“Morning!” Steve booms from the kitchen, pouring himself some OJ. From across the room, a blueberry hits Steve right between the eyes.

“We talked about this Rogers. Inside voices,” Clint groans, head falling back on the couch.

“Go a little hard last night Clint?” You pat his forehead as you walk by, he grunts in response.

Tony rounds the corner, “Oh the IT couple is here finally.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Tony laughs and plucks the paper Sam holds up from his hands.

“Check out who’s gracing the front of the Styles section.” He presses the Times into your hands and you stare down at a picture of you and Bucky from the night before.

The story is just a general overview of the gala but there, big and in color, are you and Bucky on the dance floor. It must have been just after the song ended. His hands are on your waist, the smile on his face brighter than the sun, your head is tossed back in a laugh. You look like any happy couple… Save for the fact that you weren’t just any couple.

“You’re on the website too,” Nat walks up and hands you her tablet.

There’s a gallery from the evening featuring everyone but there are quite a few candid photos of you and Bucky. One your head is resting on his chest, his lips pressed to your forehead. The caption reads: “Avenger team members, Barnes and Michaels, share a tender moment.” You aren’t sure how you feel about it. From the tension in Bucky’s jaw, he doesn’t know either.

“You can’t buy good PR like that,” Pepper says making herself and Natasha mimosas. “The two of you were just perfect.”

You both only stay for a bit. Unsettled by your images being so widely shared after living your lives in shadow for so long. It was a very abrupt change…

Back in the apartment, you pick up the paper that was always left by the door, Bucky liked doing the crossword. You look at the picture again. Shaking your head.

“You ok?” Bucky comes up behind you, gently rubbing your back.

“Yeah… just… my mom is definitely turning in her grave right now.”

“Good or bad way?”

“Good,” you laugh a small hollow sound. “Her daughter in the society pages. She’d be beside herself. I can hear her now,” your accent tries to echo your mom’s soft German accent. “Finally you got it right my little firefly.”

“Firefly?” His expression is achingly soft.

“Mhm. I used to be obsessed with them when I was little. Always chasing them and catching them for her. So it became a nickname.”

“I bet they’re both very proud of you, doll.”

You shrug. “I’m… I’m gonna hop in the shower.”

Two days later you go into the office for a pen to keep score in Scrabble and notice something new on the wall. The picture of you two from the paper beautifully framed. Your breath catches in your throat. It’s placed next to a picture of a young you with your parents, all three of you smiling and happy and a photo of him with his sisters and Steve, all of them smiling. Happy moments spanning almost a century, the two of you connecting them…

“Ich liebe euch beide,” (I love you both.) you whisper to your parents’ photo. “Sorry, it took me so long to get it together… I wish you could meet him… you’d like him.” Your eyes slide to the picture of you both.

You kiss your fingers and press them to the picture of your little family before wiping your eyes and heading out.

-

Bucky’s leg is bouncing at a ridiculous rate until you set your hand on his knee, giving it a squeeze. He looks at you, knowing he looks like he’s about to burst open. It’s taking everything in him to shut up.

“So,” your voice is so steady, he can’t understand how you’re not as nervous as he is right now. “You’re sure this one is legit?”

Tony sighs, “Yeah. After the last two, we figured if we came across something similar to your signature again we’d monitor the area for a bit longer, see if or how the readings change.”

He runs a hand over his face as he looks over the images floating over the table. “The readings are strong… really strong. The draw on the power grid is insane. And… well, we’ve picked up all the variations of your energy signature… it’s not coincidence.”

The fact that the chances of them finding assets similar to you are incredibly high isn’t what has him on edge. It’s that the industrial complex the readings are emitting from is just outside of Odessa in Ukraine… It’s too close to what was once Hydra’s hotbed… It’s very possible that this is the facility you were made at, he knows you have to realize this.

The last place with a matching energy signature had been a place they’d housed you for a while. That alone wrecked you. To go back to where it all started… who knew what that may do to you emotionally.

“How volatile is this, Tony?” Steve’s tone is gravel.

Tony just stares a bit and Bruce answers, “Very. The emissions have been steadily climbing over the past couple of weeks. Only thing is we can’t really get a lock on how many are running the place… no way to know what we may run into.”

“But we can’t ignore it,” Sam’s gaze is locked on the screen’s, determination setting his features.

“No,” Tony agrees in a solemn voice. “We absolutely can’t.”

They head out tomorrow evening so they’ll land in Ukraine in the early morning hours. The hope being that the cover of darkness will give them a tactical advantage, the last thing they want is for them to abandon ship and set up elsewhere again. With any luck, this will be how they put an end to this particular project once and for all. He knows that will bring you peace of some kind.

Once the tactical brief is over and you’re back in the safety of your apartment Bucky wordlessly pulls you toward the bedroom. He needs to feel your skin against his. He needs to touch you, set you alight in the best way possible, see the sparkles in your eyes.

“Buck-” he cuts you off with a kiss, his hands sliding under your hoodie. Your body responds to his touch the way he hoped it would goosebumps rising, heart rate increasing, your hands grasping the waist of his jeans to hold him close.

At this point, you’ve learned the ins and outs of the other’s body. Even so every time he feels your touch it feels like the first time. He still is amazed you want him. He’s still so goddamn thankful.

He pulls your hoodie over your head and slides your leggings down your powerful thighs. Holding you by your hips he lifts you just a touch and gently tosses you back on the bed. Your small giggle fills him with warmth.

Once you’re free of your leggings entirely he runs kisses down your thighs, letting his stubble rub against the tender skin in that way that makes you shudder. His tongue flits across your clit causing you to let out a low sensual sound. He’s aching, throbbing against the confines of his jeans. He ignores it. Right now he wants to make you feel good. To chase away any thoughts that aren’t pleasure.

After he’s lost count of the number of times he’s made you come you pant, “No more, please. I… you, I need to feel you, Bucky, please.” He smiles. It’s cute how you said please as if he’d ever say no.

Morning comes too quickly for his liking.

You shower together and it’s not until you’re drying your hair he finally says something about the mission, “If you can’t handle this, Y/N it’s ok. No one would judge you.”

Turning you give him a weak smile, “Are you really worried that I can’t handle it, babe? Or can you not…”

He traces your brow with his metal fingers, “I just don’t want this to get to you like the last one or… the first one… with the woman…” You take his hand in yours, studying his face.

“It won’t.”

“You don’t know that, Y/N.”

“I do.” This time your smile is full, lighting up your features. “I have you. Nothing will ever be like it was before.” You look away, your brow knitting before meeting his gaze once more, “Bucky… I… you… I don’t feel broken anymore. Because of you.”

His chest constricts. Immediately he pulls you to him, crushing you to his chest. “You were never broken, Y/N. Never.”

-

As soon as the jet lands a mile away from the facility, you steel yourself. The fizzing in your head and a sick feeling in your stomach that began the moment you saw the shots Tony pulled up told you everything your own memories couldn’t really touch.

You had done your best to relay what information you could in today’s briefing. Everything from writing and drawing to miming, like some weird party game, was utilized. Hydra was smart, they knew it was always best for their dogs to know where home was but to never be able to lead anyone to it.

For what it was worth they knew the three-story building in the center of the complex was the main hub. The others were just storage, additional offices, nothing worth too much note and as best they could tell they weren’t being used at the moment. Underneath that building and snaking under the complex were at least four stories of labs, R & D facilities, medical facilities, training areas, holding cells, etc.

Since Tony and Bruce’s scans had revealed the same shifting energy signature that you emitted it was safe to assume they had, at least somewhat successfully, created another asset with abilities like your own if not multiple. The team is aware there’s a chance these people will likely be similar to the one you Nat, Steve, and Bucky faced all those months ago. Because of this the general consensus was to put them down, they couldn’t save them and they would be too big of a risk otherwise.

The main goal is to remove the possibility of these assets being sent out to wreak whatever havoc Hydra had planned. After that, they would get any intel they possibly could hard copy or otherwise and destroy any means they used to create you. With any luck, this would be the end of this branch of Hydra’s research. And you could close this chapter of your story once and for all.

“Alright,” Steve gets everyone’s attention, standing near the front of the jet. “We’re all clear on what we’re facing? And that Y/N has point here?”

A resounding Yes sends chills up your spine. No one knew what they were walking into, not really, and the idea of being the lead… You weren’t a leader. You were an asset. Trained to infiltrate, kill, obey. You didn’t lead you were led… led until you’d finally tell someone to go fuck themselves. Then they just reset you… a machine made, for one thing, destruction.

“Y/N?” Sam’s voice is soothing next to you.

“Yeah, sorry. I’m good.” Bucky’s metal hand gives yours a gentle squeeze.

Sighing heavily you release Bucky’s hand and stand next to Steve. “Like Tony said earlier, Jarvis can scan for energy signatures and alert everyone if something is about to go haywire but it’s not perfect. If you feel your skin begin to prickle, the temperature drop, or anything that’s remotely odd move on quickly. You engage with someone like me one shot to the head or the heart is the best course of action,” the tension around this point is palpable. “Physically attack as little as possible because it could trigger them to blow and if they’re good enough they can kill you on contact.”

You feel the energy shift under your own skin, “And if I say run, get the fuck out. We’re not losing anyone over this.”  Your fist flexes by your side, thin tendrils of static glowing around it.

“Let’s end this.” Steve plants a heavy reassuring hand on your shoulder.

Everyone knows what their role is. Sam and Clint are covering the perimeter and outbuildings, taking out anyone they see and being their eyes on any suspicious activity that may indicate something going wrong inside. Tony is with Natasha and Hill while you’re with Steve and Bucky, the idea being that each grouping had someone who could lock in on energy signatures quickly. They would take the upper levels while your team would take the lower.

Though energy made it hard to scan for movement and heat signatures Tony was able to modify the coms to work. They had tested it over and over with your own power thrumming nearby and you were both confident he had it sorted. At the very least, you’d all be able to communicate what was happening.

Sam stops the van just outside the first building in the complex and you all file out before he tucks it away somewhere.

No one engages with you all on the first floor. It’s eerily quiet but you can feel that low pulse of power coming from somewhere below you, generators and something far more familiar. Bile rises in your throat and you struggle to force it down.

Tony’s group splits to head up while Steve and Bucky look for an access point down. You can’t seem to move. After a minute Bucky realizes you’re stuck.

“Baby,” his arms encircle you, the feeling of his touch and his familiar scent grounding you. “If you can’t do this-”

You shake your head. When you open your mouth at first nothing comes out, some part of your brain screaming that you aren’t supposed to speak here. “I w… want t… to.” You stutter but manage it. Small as it is it feels like a victory.

Steve lays a warm hand on your upper back, it's comforting to have both of them with you. “I got nothin’ but there’s gotta be a way down.”

There’s a ringing in your ears as you try to think, you press your forehead into Bucky’s chest squeezing your eyes closed trying your best to focus. It hits you, no stairs from here, an elevator hidden. Without a word you pull away from the both of them and walk robotically toward an office to the right.

The walls are wood paneling, a desk and chairs and books sit as though they’re just waiting for someone to come back from lunch. You know they’ve been in the same position for near 30 years. Automatically your hand reaches for the pencil cup, fingers effortlessly locating the one pen that doesn’t move. The innocuous sound of a pen clicking is followed by the whooshing of an elevator.

You all exchange a glance. An elevator was risky but… it would be faster.

“Y/N found an access point down. Elevator, fifth office door on the right, click the red pen in the cup. We’ll take it to the bottom and work our way up.” Steve updates the rest of the team.

“Be careful,” Natasha responds.

“We’ve cleared the second level, no one here. Once we’re done we’ll head down too.” Tony sounds tense. Someone should be here. Likely they were all downstairs… waiting.

Steve presses the fourth button, at least you were right about that. The doors close and each of the men takes one of your hands. From the corner of your eye, you see Bucky cast Steve a small but appreciative smile. As the elevator slows Steve releases your hand and moves in front of you both, shield out.

The doors open and there’s silence for a moment. All three of your heads swivel to the left, enhanced ears picking up on the slightest sounds. It’s over quickly. Steve shields you all from the bullets. One asset is like you, but like the other their attacks are unrefined. Steve manages to block a bolt with the shield.

“Down!” You command Steve and Bucky.

They hit the ground and a second later you send a white-hot bolt of energy slicing through the group. Some dodge of course but none save for the asset is fast enough to avoid your next volley. The asset lunges at you, hands sparkling. Bucky plants a bullet between their eyes in an instant and they’re down, energy dissipating.

As you make your way through the level you’re met with two other factions, neither have another asset like you though. There are a couple of muzzled assets but they go down like all the rest. This is not, after all, a mission where mercy can be afforded.

You’re picking your way through the medical ward. The pulsating energy from the generators makes your skin tingle, small sparks rising from you every now and then. A couple of computers are still running and you wipe them clean, hoping there’s something useful there. Once you take what you need you fry them to a pile of bubbling metal and plastic.

The underground levels are expansive, and after almost two hours of fighting and searching, you’re still not done here. Every passing minute seems to bring a new fragment of memory shooting through your skull. You keep them to yourself though, it’s not the time for them.

Tony’s voice crackles in through the coms. “Nat’s down. Entered what looked like a room with a boxing ring, it was electrified or something. Her vitals are steady but she’s unconscious.”

You grasp your head in your hands, trying to convince yourself that your skull isn’t going to fly apart. “T… training,” is all you can get out.

“Didn’t copy,” Hill’s voice chimes in.

“Y/N says those are training areas,” Steve looks to you for confirmation and you nod. “Avoid any room like that you see.”

You shake your head redirecting your mind to thoughts that weren’t about the facility so your tongue would obey you. “Go help them.” Steve looks like he’s going to argue, “We’ve got this. With Nat down, they’re down a person up there and someone needs to have an eye on her while she comes too since we can’t just leave her in the jet.”

“She’s right Steve. And in charge,” he throws his friend a wink. “We can handle ourselves. Go.”

Steve nods, “I’m heading to you, hold your position.”

You think this area is almost clear. At least until you cautiously you open two double doors that lead into a viewing area. Chairs are aligned in rows, bolted to the ground. Maybe enough for 20-30 people However they don’t face a screen.

In the corner of the room is a clear wall of what seems to be some kind of reinforced glass set between steel beams. Beyond that wall is a decently sized room. The only entry from where you stand is a door made out of the same clear material lined in metal supports. The two other walls of the room are stark white save for a window revealing a dark space beyond.

Your breath hisses out of you, Bucky turns concerned. “What is it?” Like a fish dropped on dry land your mouth opens and closes, nothing but small noises escaping, your brain screaming to tell him but your body unable to comply. “It’s ok baby,” the fingers of his right hand caress your cheek. “It’s ok.” Quickly he leans down and kisses you softly.

His touch. That’s what you focus on. Grabbing his hand you think about how good it feels when his skin is against yours, how good it felt last night to be with him. This seems to work, to allow you to take back some authority.

“There’s more.” Your voice is low but steady. “Through there.” You point toward the glass. “Research I think.” Bucky nods and you both proceed.

As you get closer though the energy levels rise higher. This room is like the one that zapped Nat… His hand goes for the handle.

“Wait!” He freezes. “Let me go first. I think it… it’s…” Fuck them for taking your words. You hold up your hand and let the power lash out in mini lightning bolts to demonstrate.

“Got it. Then we leave it.”

“No.”

His expression is exasperated when he turns to you. “Y/N you said-”

“It won’t hurt me. We have to clear everything.”

“Fine, if it goes too far back though.”

“I won’t proceed. There’s gotta be a way to shut it off close by anyway. I’ll look for that first.” He’s clearly not thrilled and honestly, you’re not either but you want to do this right. You kiss his cheek before opening the door.

The door and the walls are at least ten inches thick, the space around the door reinforced to a ridiculous amount and clearly only meant to be opened from the outside. Immediately you’re flooded with that energy, pure power, electric and hot flowing into you. After a few steps, you stop, having to take a moment to gather yourself.

“Doll?” Bucky calls after you, his voice dripping with concern.

“I’m ok,” you hold your right arm out thin strands of energy flowing from you to the ground. To your surprise the feeling clears your head a bit, you feel more in control than you have this whole time.

“I think… I think there’s one more level.” You turn to him. “Down. Where this,” you hold open your hand and light pulses so bright it’s almost blinding, “comes from. “Where I-”

“Y/N!” Bucky bellows moving to enter the room despite the risk. You’re incredibly thankful the door slams, preventing him from killing himself in here. You hear him fire his gun at the glass to no avail as you turn.

The room to the back is lit all the sudden, the power around you beginning to dissipate.  A comm seems to switch on and you can hear Bucky’s voice screaming.

“Goddamnit! Steve, we have a situation back and left of where we split. Double doors. Backup now!”

You’re about to turn to tell him there’s gotta be another entrance and that you can hear him when a panel in the wall opens. You brace yourself for a fight, light coursing up your arms, lashing out ready to be released. A smirk plays on your face, they charged these rooms to trap people but only managed to give you a boost, unfortunate for them.

Instead of an asset or an agent though, a dignified older woman walks out. Her hair white and pulled into a familiar high bun. The set of her shoulders, the way her head is held, the way her eyes settle on you…

“Y/N!” Bucky screams, pounding on the door, trying in vain to get it open.

“Please, Sargeant Barnes, don’t make a fool of yourself,” the woman looks at him in disgust her accent softly Germanic. “This room was built to contain someone far more powerful than a recycled grunt like you could ever be.” She looks back to you, “Hello my little firefly.”

“Hurry!” Bucky bellows into the com. “Y/N! Baby doll, look at me.” He sounds like he’s a world away.

“M… mom?” You’re going to be sick you can feel it.

“Yes liebling,” she keeps her distance but gives you a smile. “It’s been too long. Longer to you I know. I wish that wasn’t the case but-”

You press the heels of your hands to your forehead as images flash. She was here… she had been… everywhere? What-

“This was not my preferred way my firefly but as always you have forced my hand.”

“I don’t-” you manage to breathe out. She takes a step toward you and you step back. Bucky is still pounding at the door with his metal fist, determined.

“You were born to be a wunderkind.” You can hear Steve in your crackling com, trying to find you but her voice cuts through everything. “My wunderkind. The honor to be chosen to be your mother…” She places her hand over her heart, “You were going to be the beginning of a new order for Hydra. A child raised in power-”

“W... what?!” This doesn’t make sense.

“Do you think you just happened to be stronger, faster, smarter all around better than your peers. No, my firefly.”

Suddenly you remember doctors visits throughout your childhood always with her. Your mother giving you injections telling you not to worry your dad because he was already so busy… The pushing the requirement to be perfect, it all takes on a sinister air.

“No, we made you better, all so you could become who you were meant to be. But instead, you threw it all away.” She sighs, a sound you grew familiar with as a teenager. “You forced my hand then, you’ve done so now.”

Steve is there, pounding with his shield, it’s not doing much, they call for Tony but you just can’t seem to care.

“It was one thing to work with trash like that,” she gestures to Bucky and Steve. “We could, I could, tolerate it while we got things sorted but to be with it. To debase yourself with Zola’s dog. I couldn’t stand by.”

“What did you say…” You growl, power once more pulsing.

“Don’t listen to her, Y/N!” Bucky calls out.

“I created you to surpass everyone, to stand above humanity. I made you-”

“You made me into a monster!” A bolt crashes just in front of her. Unimpressed she looks down.

“I made you into a god!” She sneers, “You made yourself into a disappointment.” That word hits you like a bullet to the chest. “Filling your body with filth. Associating with low lives. I did what any mother would do when it was clear there was no hope. I saved you from yourself!”

She takes a deep breath and composes herself. “We would have brought you back home in a gentler fashion. But when I saw those photos… I knew I had to extract you sooner.”

“Home,” you spit the word.

“Yes. This is your home, Y/N. With me.” You hear Tony in the com he’s coming. Once more she sighs, “No matter, soon you’ll remember who you are, what you were born to be. Doch’,” the Russian word for daughter zings through you.

Immediately you lift a glowing hand in threat, “Don’t.”

“Ubegay,” a smirk lifts her lips.

Your hand shakes as does your voice, “Mama, don’t.” Even after everything… the thought of killing your mother…

“Boginya,” you try to shoot her but you miss. “Rassvet.”

“Bucky!” You scream, power slipping away from you in response to the words. Frantically you run to the glass by the door.

“Y/N! Tony hurry!”

“Vybrannyy.”

He presses close as Steve keeps pounding at the handle, “Look at me baby,” his voice echoes over the com. “Stay-”

“Zashchishchat’.” You scream and fall to your knees holding your head. He kneels mouth moving but you can’t really understand the words. “Pod’yem.” Your body feels so heavy your head filled with humming, static, pain.

“Y/N!” He screams your name over and over. This man…

“Dvadtsat’,” another man outside, metal man. You rise slowly and turn toward the woman speaking. The woman with the words. “Dtanovit’sya.”

She smiles broadly, “Svetlyak.” Everything in you... freezes. “There’s my firefly.”

There’s a loud noise behind you. You don’t think to look, haven’t been told to. No orders. Just wait.

Something circular swooshes through the air hitting the woman with the words in the stomach, she crumples to the ground. You don’t care, she didn’t give you orders to protect her.

“Y/N! Baby!” A man with a metal arm takes you by the shoulders, shakes you. “Y/N?! Come on, fight it! Come back to me.” He looks so upset… did he give you orders? He seems familiar…

“Soldat?” That’s right, the arm. The Soldier. Not a handler but he sometimes was like one. He looks at you horrified. The other men just watch.

Would he know what you were to do? “Kakovy nashi zakazy?” (What are our orders?)

“Oh god.” He runs a hand over his face and through his hair, turning away. When he turns back he strikes you, hard, with his metal hand.

You hit your knees. Head reeling from the blow. From Bucky’s blow.

“Barnes!” Tony bellows.

Bucky ignores him collapsing next to you. “I’m so sorry baby,” he pulls you to him. “I’m so sorry. I’m so-”

He’s pressed your face to his chest, rocking you a little, “Thank you,” you croak.

He holds you at arm's length, “Y/N?!”

You nod, “Thank you. You kept your promise.”

His face collapses. For a minute you hold one another both knowing that the end had just come so close.

There’s a wheezing, a cough, before, “Pathetic.”

That bitch. You release Bucky and stand, pushing past Steve and Tony who are dumbfounded at everything they’ve seen. Standing over your mother you feel power pulse up your spine.

“I thought you’d be my biggest victory, you’re nothing. Too weak for greatness like your father.” She forces herself up coughing once more, blood at the edges of her mouth. “I should have put you both down.”

“Fuck you,” you growl. About to blast a hole through her chest.

“Hail, Hydra.” Immediately she begins to foam at the mouth.

“No you don’t get to-” A wild feral scream tears through you and you blast her straight to the chest once, twice, before you let loose a third Bucky wraps you in his arms turning you away from your mother's corpse.

You break. Screaming and screaming until it doesn’t even seem to be coming from you. Body pulsing bright all over. Your whole life… everything you thought you had known or that you had tried to draw peace from was a lie. Your own mother… Had she killed your dad… All because you…

Bucky’s lips are next to your ear, softly he begins to sing. Fly Me To The Moon. “In other words, hold my hand,” his hands slide over your own, sparking with energy. “In other words, baby, kiss me…” Slowly you both sink to the floor, your screams giving way to sobs. “You are all I long for, All I worship and adore,” he rocks you gently your back to his chest. “In other words, I love you.”

As he finishes you’re able to get a hold of yourself, body no longer glowing dangerously. Breathe a little normally.

“It’s clear back there,” you hear Hill’s voice say softly to Steve and Tony. “Got some data from the computer. I don’t think she expected to lose, there’s a lot there.”

“Great,” Tony whispers. He kneels in front of you, “Sparks,” his gauntleted hand rests gently on your thigh, “let’s get you outta here.”

Bucky releases you and you stand on shaky legs. “Natasha?” You ask looking to Hill.

“She’s ok,” she gives you a warm smile.

The relief from that statement is short lived. A massive pulse of energy thrums somewhere beneath your feet.

Your eyes shoot to Tony’s as Jarvis pipes over the com, “There seems to be some sort of anomaly, I cannot get a lock on it but I suggest immediate evacuation.” You nod agreeing.

The elevators are down, likely an automatic shut off when there’s a breach like the one you’re feeling. You know that somewhere there have to be stairs but no one had found them yet. Tony blasts through the doors without a thought.

“We could climb up,” Steve says.

“Too slow.” He steps in and rips a hole through the roof, “Get in, I can pull it up.” You do as he says and Tony pulls the car up at the first-floor doors Steve pulls them open. The three of you let Hill out first before crawling out yourselves. Once everyone is clear he releases the car and it plummets to the ground.

Another pulse of energy rattles the windows on the building. It’s so like your own for a moment you’re scared it’s coming from you.

“Sir, I believe the facility is set to demolish itself,” Jarvis’ unfazed tone rings in your ear.

“Right. Let’s get going. Wilson, get that van ready we need to get the hell out now,” Steve calls out as he starts for the exit.

Hill is fast but she's not enhanced and the distance between the main building and the van is about 150 yards. Tony scoops her up and the three of you run at full speed. Almost to the van, you feel a massive pulse vibrate the ground under your feet, curling up your burning legs you freeze.

Bucky looks at you from the door, “Y/N, come on baby.” Another wave, this time you hear the buildings around you groan.

It’s not just the building that’s set to blow… You realize with a sick feeling… it wasn’t that your mother didn’t think she’d lose… she just knew it wouldn’t matter either way. When this detonates, you don’t know if it’s an asset or multiple or what… but the blast will be devastating. If it’s even fractionally as powerful as it feels Odessa will be in the bottom of a crater in the coming minutes… All those innocent people…

Bucky’s approaching you, to drag you to the van. Tony hovers close by, you look to him as you start to back up, “Remember that promise, Tony?”

“Yeah…”

“Time to cash in.” Bucky is almost to you and you shoot a light shock toward him to slow him down before you bolt back to the main building.

“Y/N!”/“Goddamnit!” You hear Tony and Bucky exclaim simultaneously. There are the sounds of a scuffle.

“Tell me what’s happening Sparky!” Tony grunts, the sound of metal on metal ringing in your com.

“It’s bad, the blast, the energy, real bad. I can stop it just get him!” You look over and see Bucky in hot pursuit before Tony grabs him.

You don’t look back again. You can’t. Despite hearing Bucky call out over and over.

Unable to stand it you rip the com out of your ear, crushing it in your hand. Even without it, even with the rumble of the earth, you can make out the fight. Should have told them to go, get away… But you can keep them safe. You will keep them safe.

At the face of the building, you take a deep breath and jump, releasing a blast from your palms to propel you up. This wasn’t something you did often, and sometimes it didn’t work but right now you have no choice, you’ve got to get to the roof. From there you can channel the energy through the building pull it up, focus it into something concentrated rather than an uncontrollable destructive blast. It will be unlike anything you had ever done but… you had to try.

It gets you about halfway. You grab a window ledge with both hands, using everything you have you push yourself up, releasing your grip and letting out more energy. Another wave of force almost causes you to lose your grip on the edge of the roof but you hang on and get there.

Kneeling at the edge you place your hands flat on the concrete, much as you had that day you thought of killing Bucky in the field you send your sense out to find your target down, down, down using the metal supports of the building itself to guide you. There.

It feels like people, three of them, assets, just like you… all about to blow…  

Looking out you can see them still. Bucky and Tony are struggling, the whisper of Bucky’s screams echoing through the abandoned buildings. Everyone else standing unsure of what to do. All these people you… love.

You focus with all your might to draw the power of the three hopeless souls into something you can control. As you do so your heart shatters in your chest because now you know you aren’t getting through this, not if you want to save them all… and you never fucking said it.

Not to any of them and not to the one person who really needed to hear it… You told him with your body, with your concern, in every subtle sweet way a person can but those three words… words you knew with all your being were true… you never let them fall from your lips… and now…

Your own power, coursing through the frame of the building, begins to act like a sort of intangible conduit as it harnesses that of the three assets. Strangely it’s easy, their force so undisciplined, seems almost happy to find a path to flow into. The building groans, smoke emitting from it here and there, windows blowing from the rising heat. White streaks of light are beginning to become visible, like concentrated lightning, running straight for you.

As this overload flows into your body it takes everything in you to not scream, the pain is so blinding. You don’t want them… him to hear that though. Raising your other arm to the pink early dawn sky you pray to anything that will hear you that this plan will work… that you’re strong enough to contain this force. Like some bizarre lightning rod, the power thrums through you crackling from your fingertips, your body glowing bright…

“Like a firefly,” you think.

“Straight up, straight down, not out, not out, contain this contain it.” You focus on those words, determined. The power is about to break, you can feel it. The light almost blotting out everything, taking away your view of them.

“I love you,” you whisper wishing he could hear.

Then there’s nothing but light, and pain, and surrender.

[somekeepsakes]

German interview with Peter (May 20, 2019) on drugs, love and new beginnings

I noticed that another version of the interview with Peter which @koidivisions translated some weeks back has emerged. The newer, longer, and presumably full(?) version can be found here. I’m only adding the translation for the bits that were missing in the earlier version. Since there are quite a few of them, maybe some of you are interested in reading the entire thing.

cut cut cut and off you go

Why did Hamburg change you so much? I felt privileged that Johann Scheerer opened his door for me. He trusted me.

He said: "You may live in the apartment and use the studio." He gave me his house key at a time when not even my own family would have trusted me with a key. Yes, it was a wonderful time in Hamburg! It was a shame that there was such resentment between my management at that time and the people from Clouds Hill as, much to the dismay of my management, there was someone who trusted me; that I stayed in Germany, recorded music, and took more control.

Did you feel something close to freedom? Yes, I believe so, there were no paparazzi lurking around every corner. And doing spontaneous gigs in the Golem, this wickedly expensive place, was great. I loved it there.

For some people, you’re a gifted song poet, whereas others tend to associate you with your drug antics. Yes, they believe me to be a caricature. There are even people who are disappointed when they meet me and I’m not all fucked up. This is really sad. But, then, it used to be like that for a long time. There used to be all these negative stories about me that had a nasty pic of me attached to them all the time.

And on the few days where I was alright, they manipulated the picture, or took one of me sneezing. This really killed me. It inwardly killed me.

And everything went hand in hand… The police were obsessed with getting hold of me. They arrested me repeatedly. That made me feel as if I was a dangerous person or a threat to society. That was sheer insanity.

But you’re out of the woods now? That’d be wonderful. But addiction is an illness – a mental illness. It’s self-destructive…

How safe are you feeling right now? Difficult to say. I’m feeling safe. But if I think about it, I don’t actually know what feeling safe means. At least I don’t want to go back to where I was.

[Regarding Margate] But why did you buy a hotel there? Because it was so cheap, so incredibly cheap!

It was said to be the most rundown hotel in Kent or even in England. That’s not entirely fair. The Nigerian woman who ran it had a bad reputation because she used to kick people out of the hotel whenever they complained. But saying that it was the worst hotel… No, I went to one in Aberdeen once which was worse!

And you invested money in yours? Sure, the whole thing was Carl’s idea. He decided that The Libertines needed headquarters. He then found this old five-storey townhouse. He didn’t pay me for five festival gigs for he knows I’m prone to wasting money. The others saved their share. And now I’m one of six investors.

Our studio has already been finished, and the hotel is supposed to come about bit by bit. The liquor licence is also there already so that Carl is able to open a bar beneath the hotel. The bar is going to be called "Wasteland" like the book by T.S. Eliot who lived four doors away. His father owned a bed and breakfast in Margate 100 years ago.

It’s supposed to become something similar to Andy Warhol’s "Factory". The Margate version of it. Carl wants to gradually set it up in a way so that different artists will be able to live and work under the same roof.

You’re said to have started a company for that business. I’ve read that article, too. What a load of bollocks! It said that I was worth 5.3 million pounds – crazy! Carl was really angry when he read that since he’s the businessman among the two of us. I would be completely unfit for a thing like that.

[Regarding the cat incident] There’ve been worse stories about you. And still, you were angry about it? Sure, because it was this incident that brought paparazzi to my doorstep again. That was the first time in two years, prior to that, everything was peaceful. There were no negative stories about me. And even on this day, I was kind towards the photographers. But they didn’t like that.

They claimed that I stood there in the doorway laughing. It broke my heart cause I love animals. And I love cats.

Does the sea inspire you? Tremendously! Every morning when I step outside. The light is unbelievable and the dark, wild sea – it’s calling for me. Sometimes, that’s dangerous. I’d like to run naked into the sea.

But so far you haven’t answered the call? I will do so in summer. Due to their arctic background, my dogs are used to freezing temperatures. They can step into the water when it’s cold, and they love it. But it’s not as nice as it may sound for humans in Margate.

In what way? We get these weird weather fronts. Every ten years, über-storms are causing serious damage. Just last week, the roof of the huge Tesco market got blown away, just like that. The buildings can take a lot but there are also lots of tunnels beneath the bases of the houses which were constructed in old smuggler times. That’s why the whole thing is unstable and causes buildings to collapse. It really is a weird place, Margate.

[Regarding the Puta Madres album] It probably won’t make you rich. That’s the reason why Drew isn’t part of the band. He preferred to make money while touring with Liam Gallagher. But it’s not always about money even if I’m not less greedy than others.

But I also know what damage money can cause. I need to take care of myself so that I’m not going to suffer from tunnel vision and therefore miss the genuine things that inspired me at a time when I didn’t have any money. If we make any money with that, which would be great for us, we’re going to build our own studio.

You’ve recorded the album overlooking a fishing village in the municipality of Étretat in the Normandy. Why not in Margate? Because Carl insisted that the new studio would be Libertines only. So we went to France where the family of our keyboarder Katia lives. That was great because we were able to record the album within a few days. Just like the Beatles did with their first album: one microphone in the room, press record, play the songs, and go back home.

[Regarding Someone Else To Be] Why do you quote Oasis in this particular song? "Please don’t put your life in the hands of a rock’n’roll band" has always been one of my favourite lines from a song. The warning it includes is probably justified.

[Regarding his stance on relationships] As complicated as Brexit? That is indeed complicated for the Puta Madres as so many nationalities come together in this band! We need to move freely, otherwise the knell will sound for us. But we’ll somehow find our way to France, Spain and Germany.

Where does the funny "Puta Madres" band name which literally translates as "goddamn mothers" come from by the way ? "Ah, it’s the puta madre!" – our drummer Rafa used to say that very often in the beginning when he referred to something positive as well as to something negative or something inbetween.

I didn’t really know what it meant but thought we might use that as our band name. Everyone says that in Spain and South America and it means "fucking hell".

It’s a casual curse word like "motherfuckers". It means everything and nothing. Technically speaking, it refers to the mother of a prostitute.

Do you speak Spanish? Sí. There’s a bit of German, a bit of Spanish, and a bit of French on the album.

How are your German skills? (in German) Not that good.

Do you have a favourite German word? Radiergummi! And I also like Creutzfeldt-Jakob and Methadon.

You presumably were given the latter as a substitute during rehab? Yeah, sure, horrible stuff. Sickly sweet. I call it the bad absinth.

Do you still think about Amy Winehouse? Yes, often. Constantly, actually. I met a girl called Jade Goldsworthy, an incredible singer. She reminds me so much of Amy. She hasn’t recorded anything yet, we’ve only met. But I’m planning to release something with her. We’re working on it. Amy would’ve loved her. I’m sure of that.

And The Libertines will continue as well? Of course, forever! Carl and I are stronger than ever.

Are you working on the new Libertines record at the moment? Yeah, but it was all a bit tragic. Ollie, The Prodigy’s guitarist, came round and wanted to help Carl and me with writing and producing. The next day, the news of Keith’s death – who was also a friend of Carl’s – broke. He committed suicide. The last thing Ollie texted Keith was a picture of my dogs as Keith was a fellow husky lover. And Keith replied saying how beautiful they were. And the next day, he hanged himself. We haven’t seen Ollie since.

How did you react to Flint’s death? I listened to all the old Prodigy records. There’s unbelievably good stuff among them, sometimes scaringly sinister.

Given the many deaths surrounding you, do you ask yourself why you’re still alive? No, I don’t think about that.

There are lots of discussions going on at the moment about whether it’s appropriate for radio stations to still play Michael Jackson songs or not. How do you see it: Should we separate an artist’s work from the artist? Wow – that’s a damn good question! His songs are being played every few seconds somewhere in the world. It’s amazing music, some of the best songs ever written. It’d be a fucked-up situation if he’s guilty… A part of me would die – a major part of my childhood. I loved his music.

Did you see the documentary? No, the film might have a significant impact on me – I can’t bring myself to watch it at the moment. I need to be careful with it, it’s too important. Michael Jackson used to be such an important factor in my life. It’s similar to Woody Allen: He’s a great filmmaker, he’s got a good sense of humour. It would annihilate so much culture if we didn’t separate an artist’s work from the private individual. But it’s tricky.

[nnegan13]

couple tag game 

thanks @hugunderthestars for tagging me! <3 

rules: answer these 20 questions about the couple below and then tag 

couple: incantava 

1. when did you start to ship them? ummmmm so they are actually the reason I got into skam in the first place! I saw gifsets of their first date with the cookie tin and I was intrigued and so I watched part of the OG to understand it all and then watched s1&2 of skamit so I could catch up! so I guess from 3.01 even if I hadn’t been in the fandom before haha 

2. how much do you ship them 1-10? 11 

3. why do you ship them? I just think they’re two characters that have personalities that fit really well together. they’re both good at things that the other needs to “work on,” so to speak, and help bring out parts of the other that are hidden or behind a mask or are things that they’re insecure about, and I think that’s really special. also, their chemistry is insane 

4. my opinion: I don’t like them / they’re meh / they’re okay / I like them / I love them / I'm obsessed / they own my heart / they’re my otp 

(I didn’t put otp bc I think the term is super pointless and arbitrary lmao, like, how many pairings do you call ur otp when it’s just supposed to be one???? anyways) 

5. favorite scene? ummmmmmmm the first date, anything from the sleepover clip, the reunion scene or anything from 3.11 I'm sorry I can’t pick

6. favorite quote? uhhhhhh 

7. favorite social media post? edo’s insta story with the ice cream! 

8. underrated moment of them? ummm the apology clip in 3.05. I just think it’s really important in their development. one thing about the noorhelms is that they’re like always making out. like always. and incantava had some nice make out scenes that I appreciated, but I also really enjoyed that when they were having serious conversations, they weren’t physical with each other. and this clip from 3.05 is that first moment where he comes to apologize and explain, and they don’t kiss. I really liked it and appreciated it for their development. 

9. the most heartbreaking moment? the end of 3.08 right after ele and edo have reconciled and he’s explained and they’ve been absolutely adorable and she’s happy with the plant filo has given her and then gets the text from a/drea. its just so bad because she’s happy and content and feels peaceful and then the rug is pulled out from under her. 

10. funniest moment? defs the “mm? MM?” from 3.04.3 that we all know I adore and anytime edo has a little plan that he’s so smug about and she’s like “you’re so stupid” (like 3.04 with the egg or 3.11 with the police)

11. the song that reminds you the most of them? oh “promise” by ben howard or “sleepy” by cri. 

12. favorite change they made from the OG? that ele told edo herself about the SA and that Silvia didn’t see them kiss. that part always took me out and was just really nasty for the vilde character’s development. 

13. something you wish to see from them? long distance during college! and just college in general! 

14. favorite moment in s1? sei bellissima, cazzo, or on the steps when he’s like ‘do you want a ride?’ 

15. favorite moment in s2? loved the party scene with the lantern but I also like the text scene at Christmas. 

16. favorite moment in s3? uhhhhhhhhhhhhh literally I just loved the whole season I don’t think I can pick one. anything I mentioned from my favorite scenes, anything from 3.03-3.06. the panic attack scenes and morning after. 3.10. gosh I could just go on. I love it all 

17. what do you love most about them? that they fit together so well! that they help each other bring out stuff from behind their masks/fronts, that they help change how the other thinks or challenges their thinking process, they’re so well suited for each other. 

18. what do you miss most about them? the teasing! we got so much of it pre-relationship and then it all kind of went downhill fast bc of the SA and got very serious and then we got a little of it in 3.11, but I miss them teasing each other! its one of the things I love most. 

19. any headcanons? ummmmmmmm, edo plays the guitar bc of his mom, ele puts plants in his house in Rome so she has an excuse to go there when he’s in Ithaca, he comes to visit all the time/flies her out bc rich king, every summer they take their friends with them on a massive vacation to somewhere really cool, just cute little stuff like that. anything I mention as backstory in my in-canon fics are my HC basically haha 

20. random thought about them? I just miss them sfm 

I tag: @air-bison-yip-yip @ginervaweasley @cachekakusu and anyone else who wants to do it can say they were tagged by me! 

[umusicians]

UM Interview: Bea Kadri

Lebanese singer-songwriter Bea Kadri has always had a love for music. Tackling topics of self-discovery, empowerment, and all matters of the heart, Bea has found her niche as an artist. Although her rise into a career as an artist was gradual, Bea’s love for music can be traced back to her days growing up in Beirut, Lebanon where she glued to her iPod, MTV, and YouTube to get her musical fix of Pop, Hip-Hop and R&B. 

In 2018, Bea moved to London to pursue a master’s degree in music business management from the University of Westminster, with the hope of obtaining a job in the music industry. To date, Bea has landed a number of songwriting opportunities and sync placements, as well as performing at the BRIT AWARDS 2018 with Justin Timberlake and Chris Stapleton as a member of their choir.

Amandah Opoku sat down with Bea Kadri to talk about her latest single “Be Alright”, songwriting and more!

Amandah Opoku: Hi Bea, thank you for doing this interview with UMusicians! Can you introduce yourself to our viewers and tell us about one new song you’ve discovered in the last few months that you love!  Bea Kadri: Hey UMusicians! It’s my pleasure. Thanks for having me. I’m Bea Kadri, an alternative RnB / Future Pop singer songwriter from Beirut, Lebanon. Recently been obsessed with Teyana Taylor’s Bare With Me!!! The music video, the track and that mix are so fire and constantly on replay.

AO: You recently released “Be Alright”, what is the story behind the song?  BK: I wrote and recorded “Be Alright” with rapper Isaac B in a studio session in London back in August. It really started off with us just discussing how tiresome, changing and fast life can be and how much we miss simpler times from our childhoods. We put the Jan Pastor’s beat on loop with that mindset and came up with this sort of reminiscing and melancholic call for peace as a reminder to stay chill no matter the chaos. 

AO: “Be Alright” features London based freestyle rapper, Isaac B. How did the collaboration happen?  BK: I was in London for shows throughout July and August and Isaac B is a hardworking talented rapper and a good friend of mine. We just thought why not explore what we could come up with musically together, he had access to studio time at The Rattle London so I went by and “Be Alright” was created in those few hours and recorded it on the spot. I only added a couple of adlibs and back ups later from the comfort of my bedroom studio. 

AO: Do you have any artists and/or songwriters you’d like to work with in the future? If so, who?  BK: Songwriters: I would LOVE to work with Nija Charles, she is insanely talented and has written a lot of my favorite on-replay tunes. Julia Michaels’ words hit different too, so definitely her. Sarah Hudson’s songwriting is always popping and she seems super fun to collab with and just get to know in general. Oh, and Pharell Williams, he’s ultimate feel good vibes.  Singers: Post Malone, Jhene Aiko, SZA, Beyonce, Rihanna, PINK, H.E.R, 6lack, Jessie Reyez, Lolo Zouai, Drake, Daniel Caesar... the list is long. 

AO: What inspired you to pursue a career in music?  BK: The realization that it’s all I could think of growing up and that it didn’t go away when I became an adult is a big one. It’s always been my dream as corny as that sounds. But also, every time I found myself at a low point in my life, dreaming about it and escaping to that space in my head was what kept me up. So at one low low I decided to move away and just do it once and for all : pursue a career in music, by both studying the business side of the industry in my masters and releasing music. 

AO: As you pursue your career as an artist and songwriter, what is one of your biggest fears?  BK: I think the instability that lies in an artist’s career is somewhat of a worry. Even when I reach high levels, I need to stay innovative, creative and be smart with my income streams, especially if later I have a family to provide for, it can’t be that fluctuating. 

AO: If you could describe your music in three words. What words would you choose and why?  BK: Chill, transparent and emotional. 

Chill because a lot of the music I release and tone I use is relaxed and laid-back. 

Transparent because I write and pull from real experiences and reflections.  Emotional because I make sure I truly channel the same raw emotion that inspired my writing a song. I aim to match that in recording too. Like my last break up track B4WBU was full of takes of me choking up and sniffing. So I’m kinda glad this follow-up release “Be Alright” is a happier lighter one lol. 

AO: Some of the music you’ve released to date has been synced in a number of television shows and films. What was your reaction when you received your very first sync placement?  BK: Yes!! I was ecstatic, jumping around in disbelief as I watched my songs play in these dramatic scenes on the Australian soap opera “Home and Away”. That was the first one. Ah! Loved every second of that! 

AO: Looking back at songs that have been released within the last year, what are your favourite lyrics you’ve heard that you wish you had written?  BK: “Remember when you got my ass arrested. At least when I was in jail, I got some rest in” has got to be one of my favorite lyrics this year. It’s from Die for Me by Post Malone feat. Halsey & Future. I don’t know why I love that line so much, it makes me laugh and just simply and strongly paints how toxic whoever she is was. Posty’s energy in the delivery of the song is truly FELT. 

AO: At the 2018 BRIT Awards you performed with Justin Timberlake and Chris Stapleton as a member of the choir. What was the experience like and what did you take away from the experience?  BK: It was honestly surreal! Such icons! And I got to be in their choir on my first year in London! Just madness. I remember the gratitude and excitement that filled my heart, I felt so lucky witnessing what it’s like at The Brits that I never miss tuning in to. Although, when I was there I had this fear that I’d mess up or overstep so I kept to myself really as I watched Dua’s dancers and Stormzy’s crew get ready backstage. Looking back now I really wish I had been more relaxed and networked more or sparked conversations even with the rest of the choir. We were backstage for hours and everyone seemed friendly and happy to be there. I was just way too caught up in my shyness and unsure how lil Lebanese pre-releasing me got there in the first place. 

Listening to the song we performed “Say Something” is a quick way to take me back to that day though. And my dad blasts it all the time he’s so proud. I’ll remember the details of that day forever or until the next time I’m there (ehem, universe, do your thang!). 

AO: Aside from your music career, you also have a fashion e-commerce brand Young Wilderness & designer for Fashiontv Eyewear. What inspired you to jump into the fashion/accessories world? And how does this connect directly to your music?  BK: Well, I was in fashion for years before pursuing music. I launched Young Wilderness back in 2013 and recently re-stocked it, now I sell it online and at live shows whenever I can. It’s this super comfortable, durable, funky brand that’s meant to add colors and good vibes to people’s lives. It also helps pay for my music-related things. 

Designing for Fashiontv Eyewear was an interesting challenge, I never studied eyewear design, I just had ideas and did massive research about trends and color combos so that was a pretty cool chapter of my life...safe to say I have more shades than one woman needs. Would love to full-on dive back into fashion after I establish myself more musically, they can definitely go hand in hand beautifully. 

AO: In 2018, you moved to London to pursue a master’s degree and to be closer to your passion and to possibly get a job in music. You took a leap of faith. To those who may also want to pursue a career in music, what would your advice to them be?  BK: Depends on what side of the industry they want to be on. But whatever it is, I say definitely do your research and gain some knowledge in the field you’re interested in. Understand the legalities, understand royalties, take online courses, read up and consume on the subjects that interest you and most importantly, act on it. It doesn’t need to be 100 from the get-go. Take small to large steps in the directions that intrigue you, even if you’re unsure, even if you realize later you have a change of heart, even if you’re scared to fail. It all leads to you finding answers and gaining experience. I’ve very much become this annoying follow your heart and trust the process type of person, but if you love it, it’s worth it. 

AO: For a new fan that may across your music on digital music platforms, what do you want them to take away from your music?  BK: I can’t really say what I want them to take from it, that’s their personal business. But I do hope my music resonates with them on some deep level and sparks up memories and all types of feelings and healings and things. :) 

AO: Bea, thank you for sitting down with me to do this interview! Before you go, is there anything you’d like to say to your fans and our readers?  BK: I’d like to thank you for your awesome reflective questions, they’ve made me remember and smile. And to whoever is reading this, if you vibe with my music I got news for you: NEW MUSIC coming soon! I got the wheels rollin’ on a bunch of projects in this quarantine that I CANNOT WAIT to put out. Keep streamin’ my released til then. And thank you for choosing to spend your precious time reading this interview til the end. You’re a fuckin’ gem! Much love xx

Connect with Bea Kadri at the following links: https://beakadri.com/ https://www.instagram.com/bea.kadri/ https://twitter.com/beakadri https://www.facebook.com/BeaKadri/

[phasesofpencilsmain]

Okay I'm pumped for the leaked episode title and all but I'm also a little worried. It's called Reunited and if it has anything to do with Lars being reunited with his friends and family on earth after they find a way to bring him back or something like some people think, I'll be happy, but also a little sad. Because we barley spent much time on homeworld, we haven't gotten the chance to properly explore the planet, learn the modern culture, etc. I don't really want us to rush to get off homeworld, yes I want there to be a /sense/ of being rushed so it's not just 30 townie episodes before steven remembers lars exists, but I want to know more and see more about homeworld first hand. I want the off colors to explain more of homeworld culture, I want to see more of the surface and the ruins of homeworld-even if it's just one of the characters looking up and catching another glimpse of the sheer insanity that is gem civilization and technology. I want to see more gems, like enemies trying to track them down or something. I want to see more tense battles for life or death. Homeworld has been built up for so long and to just give us three episodes on homeworld only to show us screen caps worth of the planet seems like kind of a let down. Plus it'd be way too easy for the problem to be resolved that quickly. Maybe by the time it comes back about a month or two /has/ gone by in the show, which would be a fairly reasonable time to get him back home, but for us it hasn't been that long in terms of the span of episodes. Plus, while it might be considered filler to some fans, I wanna see how the townies-specifically those who were closest to lars or knew what happened to him (Sadie, his parents, even jamie or connie) are taking to him being missing. Sadie, Jamie, Connie, and onion (though we probably wouldn't get much dialogue from him) were all involved in the same thing that happened to lars but they were able to escape. Whether or not they even really knew him by name they've got to be handling it pretty roughly I imagine, that they all escaped but there was still someone who got left behind on the ship that they forgot to grab. Hell, Sadie even /knew/ where Lars went but in the heat of the moment forgot to call him or find him to help him escape. I'm sure once they find out steven is safe they'll be a lot more at ease, but it would probably still be haunting to know that someone else didn't make it back and that he can't get back just yet. Especially if they found out he died, they would've fully realized the real peril they could've been in if they hadn't made it out, and knowing that someone they at least could put a face to had died has got to be traumatizing to some degree, even knowing he was revived. Of course there's also his parents who by now have probably realized that their son is missing, and if steven has to go to their door and tell them what happened they'd be devastated. They might even lash out and demand steven find a way to bring their son back asap, which he'll have to reassure them that they're doing all they can right now. But beyond that there probably wouldn't be any consoling them besides maybe the occasional update or message from Lars conveyed by Steven to let his parents know he's okay and to just wait a little longer. Then there's steven- he literally watched his friend die in front of his eyes. He was the one of the first to see and the first to know that he actually died. He didn't feel or hear a heart beat or any breathing. He held his corpse, Steven who is only 14, has held a dead body- and the dead body of a friend no less. The show has always joked about or just generally made light of death before (all of Steven's over exaggerations like in Steven floats, and they even casually mention it in the song "peace and love" and "Steven and the crystal gems") but now that it's actually happened, that he's actually seen it it is no longer just a joke. It is no longer something you can just casually mention in a feel good song. It's become something real, and something terrifying for him. He probably feels extreme guilt this all happened to lars and that even after all he went through he can't go back still. He's probably frantic, and aside from telling everyone lars is okay, is probably going to try and dedicate all his time and effort into bringing lars home and checking up on him, trying to help in whatever way he can. To the point that he's so consumed by his own regret and guilt that it starts to get a little worrying and becomes almost like an obsession. I imagine that seeing that has probably scarred him where maybe if he even starts to relax he remembers lars, his death, and that he's still stranded and is instantly back to trying to figure out a way to bring him back. Idk I kinda ended up rambling about possible headcanons but basically what I'm trying to say is that a look into how everyone on earth is dealing with what happened might be interesting. Finally, we don't even know how exactly they're going to get Lars back. Pearl mentions a drop ship or something but from the sound of it it's badly damaged and likely in a state of decay. Not to mention with homeworld's advanced technology, seeing an old era one ship would definetley make them stand out. We saw what looked like a hand (or leg) ship in the desert in lion four, but if it's really pink diamond's ship like some have speculated or even Rose's ship, they'd still stand out due to a ship like that being out of commission for thousands of years most likely though they'd likely still blend in better with that ship. So how would they even go about saving lars effectively? There are still so many questions and so many things I wanna see that if they just bring lars straight home, even after the end of thirty minutes- unless we get a lot of questions answered or see a lot more of homeworld to be satisfied or at least have somewhat of a promise of returning there (but like why would they have a reason to?), just getting lars back would seem way too quick and unsatisfying.

[feeling-frazzled]

social media v real life

Hiyaaaaa peeps ! Sorry I haven’t posted on my blog in a while I have been doing a lot more on Instagram lately and doing more posts on there and didn’t mean to neglect my blog !! Instagram seems to be people’s go to place now !! I hope some of you will click and read this anyway 😊💛

I’m going to talk today about Social media V real life ... I’m sure a lot of you have read a lot on this as it’s spoken about a lot but I wanted to share my own thoughts on it ... I love social media ... I enjoy sharing content , creating content and I love my job in marketing ... it’s definitely something I’ve wanted to do since I was small and although many of you will think “ but there was no social media in those days “ haha which you are right but there was other signs that I was called to do PR . My dad told me I would be obsessed with taking pictures on his camera and his video camera he had ... I used to apparently steal all his tapes ( yes tapes ) and tape songs and radio shows off the radio . I created my own magazines where I used to cut out pictures from newspapers and write about stuff and I used to record a lot of family days with my cousins by using a tape recorder . After that “ my space “ came along ( some may know ) a blogging website where people added their lives and music etc ... then “ Bebo “ came and I was just hooked . Also when I started going out on nights out I would bring a camera ( no smart phones in those days hahaha ) and take photos of the whole night and everyone just loved my pics as nobody else did it haha !! So much fun ! Anyway I think you get the jist how much I love the whole online vibe !! One thing I will say is back then I didn’t take it all so seriously ... it’s not how it is nowadays and I do struggle with it even though I love it . This is why I have started to take time out away from my phone . Now this is easier said than done 😂 .... but last week I had a really bad anxious weekend ... I had real moments of self loathing , worthlessness , fear , not feeling good enough . I’m not blaming social media for this but scrolling on Instagram in that state was not ideal . So my sister came down and said right let’s go for a walk WITHOUT our phones and clear our heads . I thought she was effing mad 😂 but I agreed and you know what it was the best 3 hours I’ve spent in ages . We talked and engaged more with each other and I felt a real peace .

I don’t know about anyone else but I suffer from FOMO with social media . I get worried if I leave my phone for long periods of time I will miss out on something . I’m not even joking it’s insane how I think . When I got back from that 3hour walk I did have that sudden omg what have I missed and guess what ? I missed nothing . It’s just fear and anxiety making me feel like that . I don’t feel like that all the time but it did hit me that I do need to take time away from it and relax . I actually really want to go away for a few days and not use my phone as I hear people doing lately . Again I read that on Instagram 😂😂 . It’s so important though because our brains sometimes can’t cope with the over load . If you are having a shit day and wishing you were on holiday and then you go on Instagram and see pics of people on holiday you are just going to feel like absolute shit . That doesn’t mean the person posting has done anything wrong it just wasn’t the right time for you to see it . It’s the same way if you are feeling really low and Shitty the last thing you should ever do is have alcohol . It’s the same with social media .

Instagram detoxing as I’m gonna call it has to be done also so you can experience real life better . I really have made a conscious decision to be more engaged when I am with my friends or family now . I love of course to take a few photos when I see them but there is nothing better than real life interaction and conversations . Sometimes I see people in restaurants and on nights out just with their phones out not even talking to each other and then just taking insta stories and you do think it’s so sad that we have got to that stage . Enjoy sharing content but don’t let it take over your whole life . Check back in with yourself now and again , spend time in nature , go to exercise classes , meditate , cooking , go to the cinema !Whatever makes you feel good . Another tip if you are like me and have half your exercise and meditation apps on your phone ... put your phone to “ do not disturb mode “ and that way you will not be disturbed with messages coming through etc .

Thank you so much for reading this ... I hope it’s helped anyone who feels the same . Anxiety is a bloody nightmare and I have to work so so hard on myself every day and battle through the day so I have to over think and help myself with everything and I’m sure that’s the same for a lot of you to . If only we could turn off our fucking Brains ehhhh ?

Big hugs and message me if this resonates with you I will do a post on insta to ( of course 😂) lots of love 💛🌈💛🌈💛🌈