#still a good song tho it’s just not a freaky one which is what i gravitate towards

[ignorancelive]

realized i never posted my thoughts on rotdc. it’s good 👍🏼

[wolvertooth]

can you plz hate rant about the deadpool & wolverine movie… saw it last week and i didn’t like it all… very refreshing to see that someone shares my opinion lmao

i got u man👍 most of this was in my drafts from after the movie came out, but i just never got around to posting it. i added some other opinions ive had since then, tho theres still a lot ive said over the past month that ive totally forgotten about lol

the intro sequence was fucking HYPE‼️ but then, part way thru the movie, u realize....it doesnt ever hit that same mark again. WHERE TF WAS THE HUGH JACKMAN SONG THEY PROMISED? the trailers showed 95% xmen origins clips. the movie didnt mention it once. no the brothers line doesnt count. false fucking advertising. deadpools sexuality has been confirmed since 2014. and now, 10 years later, its still being reduced to gay jokes. and people still eat it up like its genuine rep.

that guy at the tva who’s whole punchline was that he likes men. why. in 2024. why is that allowed. his whole character was a gay joke. i mean so was deadpool, but this guys whole thing was. That. can i say homophobia? can i say i felt that? is that reasonable? this movie felt like a fundraiser for the future avengers movies to make up for all the recent flops.

i watched this shit twice and yea. i was right. the plot was half assed. once u watch it once, thats it. thats the fun. its all just cameos. the jokes didnt even make me laugh again, since it was majority shock based humor. my second watch thru i was trying not to fall asleep in my chair. the way it lacks plot isnt in the Not Coherent kind of way, but rather 'this couldve been a 40 minute monster of the week episode'....or maybe even a 2 episodes if they wanted to get freaky with it it just felt so separate from the rest of the movies, like it wasnt even a sequel.

literally, the movie begins with them abandoning the previous timeline and wade moving to a new ‘better’ one.....almost like hes moving over to a more sacred timeline.........separate from fox.........which is dumb af cuz the movie couldve been him accepting that whatever happens in ur life u cant go back and change, and u have to make due with the good u already have. the previous movie ended with him having a family, he didnt need a new one. i mean, they did that for logans 'learning moment', why wouldnt that also apply to wade? paradox literally says ‘hey we brought u in cuz the mcu is dying, so u should come over to the sacred timeline’ and then after he changes into his costume THEY CHANGE THE PLOT. THEY THROW THAT OUT. WITHIN MINUTES. now paradox is like ‘actually just your timeline is dying, and i wont elaborate on how that works. and also u dont get to go to the sacred timeline. and i hate you.’ WHY BRING HIM THERE AT ALL THEN IF THATS THE PLOT U CHANGED IT TO? ITS DOESNT MAKE SENSE. even if the plot was that he had to go to the sacred timeline cuz his own was dying, WHY WOULDNT HE BE ABLE TO BRING HIS FRIENDS?

what was the vanessa plot? they never explain why she broke up with him? theres like a tiny flashback where she says hes been distracted ever since he got rejected, rejected from what? clearly not the avengers, since that happens after she leaves him. so wtf was the motive here????? the cameos felt like props. especially the deadpool corps, which i feel like they didnt even skim a wiki article for. they just went off google images. which hurt me. cuz i reallyyyyy like those guys....in the comics, theyre a group of deadpools(consisting of lady deadpool, kidpool, headpool, dogpool, and deadpool), who in their first series save the multiverse from being destroyed(sound familiar?). theyre the GOOD GUYS. why tf would they hear cassandra nova say ‘hey im gonna kill the entire multiverse’ and go ‘alright sure whatever’. why were they in the void to begin with? how’d they get there? isnt the void just for movie continuities anyway? why was cassandra also there? how does the void work? why does the void exist? will someone please explain literally anything in this movie? why not have them come in later to save the fucking day instead??

oh lady deadpool...how they massacred ur character... OH KIDPOOL.....HOW THEY MASSACRED UR CHARACTER...... god speaking of that. cassandra nova had literally so much potential and they watered her down to just Evil Villain. she hasnt done much in the comics, but one the things she did in one them was using her powers for therapy on the xmen(which deadpool also made a cameo in). she sort of does this briefly in that one scene, but it was just so.....basic. bland. why was there no b plot with the rest of the main cast. did they think the audience doesnt watch these movies for them? cuz i sure fucking do. i was waiting for the continuation of colossus and wades epic romance arc. side note, the gay jokes in the previous movies felt even less queerbaity then these ones. this movies queerbaiting was just....sad. marketing queerbaiting. this movie WISHES it couldve been deadpool 2 levels of queerbait(shoutout to the extended sex mimicking scene set to In Your Eyes by Peter Gabriel)

did anyone catch at the end when deadpool was narrating and when he said ‘friends’ yukio and negasonic teenage warhead were on screen. did anyone see that. they disney gal paled them.

i know wade is supposed to be the Funny Guy but man. thats literally all he was this movie. the other ones has ANGST they had him be HUMAN while this one was like 'logan was mean to me one time ):' bro. what happened. where'd the writers go.

this wolverine was like. the wolverine 2014 wolverine. which is when fox wolverine started to lose character and just become grumpy and mean. hes also like that in Logan 2017, but the reason why this kinda attitude works in that one is bcuz hes old, hes fucked up, hes tired, and every fuck that comes outta his mouth he means it. and yet....still manages to experience other emotions. what a concept. ive read literal satire comics that understood his character more(shoutout to the What The--?! series). it just had me waiting for the 'gotcha! this wolverine is actually 3 dimensional!' but it never fucking got there. it was amusing in the beginning, but by like half way in, i did not give a single fuck about this guy. they tried to give him some emotional moment(like. the only emotional moment in the entire film) but it just...lacked the emotion. just 'heres my sad backstory. are u sad now?' and then they did the SAME THING AGAIN no we get it man u were at the bar instead of with ur friends and u went on a classic wolverine style berserker rage. why should we care tho?

i mean, sure, they could use the excuse of being in the type of depressive state where ur emotions numb out(speaking as a mfer with the came curse), and yea hes not the kinda guy to open up about his emotions unless he really trusts someone(which he would likely distance himself from forming connections with others after that kind of trauma), but with cassandra nova right there there was a missed opportunity for elaborating on that. for digging deep into his brain and telling why this fucked him up so bad. imo, if i were to write it, with everyone he gets close to he puts upon the expectation for himself that hes at fault for anything that happens to them. that he needs to be the savior, even in a friendship. to prove himself to be worth something. especially after a life of being convinced hes a burden by just existing as himself, he needs to have use in order to make up for the fact that hes Logan.

but whos going to save him? isnt he struggling too? whos gonna help you? looking at all the other logans across the multiverse, who is the wolverine? why do you keep falling for the same patterns no matter where you are and who you are? deadpool called sabretooth queen and she/her'd logan within like 5 seconds of eachother. that was pretty good ig

final verdict:

yknow. i think i get now the way fans reacted the way they did tho.

the other night i was rewatching the movie Hackers with my mom, saying that it was obvious the creators mustve known a lot about hacking in order to do such a good parody of it, out of love for the craft….but my knowledge of hacking is pretty minimal, so i have no actual fucking clue if that assumption is accurate or not. im just going off of a ton of references to hacking. for all i know, real hackers couldve hated this movie.

and thats how the average non comic fan saw this movie. they saw a buncha characters and references and thought ‘damn, they must really love the source material’ without knowing how much of a kick in the face it felt like to watch them get used and butchered like that.

[glowyfissh]

hi guys whats up its me jamie and i have vocaloid headcannons for the yv boys cus im bored like really REALLY bored and also ive been hyperfixating on vocaloid for the longest time and yuurivoice

UMMM WARNING FOR THE LINKS lots of flashing lights and for the scary one uhhh blood and ooky spooky things like GORE and KNIVES!!!!!!!! BAHHHHHHHHH!!!!! and also plenty of disturbing topics (mainly for Okaasan, Secrets of Wysteria and The Fox’s Wedding those are freaky deaky)

Faust:

- before i start i wanna say that he definitely used to be a scene kid i can smell it i can smell the sour patch kids and monster energy off of him

- ok anyways this guy was also a HUGE vocaloid fan and im not talking about he only listened to miku songs he listened to ALLLLL of them

- back in the day if u asked him which song was his favorite he’d probably mention some scary, obscure and super old song like idk Alice of Human Sacrifice or (my favorite) Fear Garden but really his favorite song was probably either Romeo and Cinderella (ALSO MY FAVORITE) or World is Mine

- his favorite vocaloid is probably IA

- he’s probably the only one out of the boys that actually knows other vocaloids other than miku

- if you went up to him now and asked him what his favorite song was (cus i know motherfucking well he still listens to vocaloid) he’d still say some obscure shit just to sound cool and original but shhhhh its ok buddy i know your favorite song is Matoryoshka and Magnet

Alphonse:

- i know damn well he listens to vocaloid in private

- “i can’t let the bros know i fuck with this”

- he leans more towards the pop side of vocaloid like GimmexGimme and Freely Tomorrow

- he’s too scared to listen to any of the creepy vocaloid songs cus he’s a PUSSY (this is very lighthearted) he heard one kikuo song and couldn’t sleep

- his favorite vocaloid is rin

Auron:

- you know damn well he also listened to vocaloid i mean like he HAD to because of Faust

- at first he thought it was cringe and told Faust that all the time just to spite him but after a while be was like holy fuck this goes hard????

- he most definitely got too curious when Faust mentioned the scary vocaloid songs and went down a horrible HORRIBLE rabbit hole (its ok me too)

- it started out with Rotten Girl, Grotesque Romance then Secrets of Wysteria and ended with Okaasan

- he ended up pretty NOT normal after that

- his favorite song would either be uhhhh Q or maybe Closer to You

- when it comes to his favorite vocaloid he’d probably tell you its miku just because but i like to think his favorite is ACTUALLY vflower because of how strong her voice is

Charlie:

- HUSH I KNOW HE HAD TO LISTEN TO VOCALOID BECAUSE OF CASPER

- hey do you know what a vocaloid is “is.. that an anime?”

- after hearing about it he got a little curious and started off with a classic Ievan Polkka because everybody knows that song

- he doesn’t really care about vocaloid that much and wouldn’t have a favorite song but shhhhhh he dabbles a little bit into it

Jack:

- i mean come ON guys he said he was a theater kid why wouldn’t he listen to vocaloid at least a LITTLE

- he probably wouldn’t be THAT into it like charlie but if you mentioned it he’d be like “oh yeah! i’ve listened to a couple songs!”

- i know DAMN WELL this man fucks with wowaka HEAVY

- “fuck man unknown mother goose is so good” TWINNNNNNN

- his favorite song would probably be Roki tho

- im still not too sure who his favorite vocaloid is but i think it’d be kaito

Finn:

- i can smell it off of him. he fucks with miku HEAVYYYYY

- also would not fuck with the scary songs if you told him to listen to uhhhh idk The Fox’s Wedding he’d cry

- he likes the much softer songs which is why kaai yuki would be his favorite because of her soft voice BUT he would really like meiko too

- his favorite songs (since he’s indecisive) would probably be Patchwork Staccato OR Deep Sea Girl

[smallboyonherbike]

Hello! What songs are you listening to/obsessed with these day? I'm looking for songs for my running playlist ^_^

OOOOH you might regret asking w how many songs i'm about to list lol but i pulled a selection mostly 2023 from my daily playlist, which is generally all upbeat anyways so hopefully good for running (tho i have not run in years so ymmv lol)

i will not be offended if you don't end up liking any, but if you do i love being a human music algorithm always. or also if you like a song you can look at the full album. or if you (or anyone reading) use apple music, i can send you my playlist links but i realize most ppl are on spotify. oh ALSO these are mostly straight ahead pop but i also get into a lot of dance/EDM i can rec separate

-read your diary - måneskin (been a bit obsessed since their eurovision and this one's a fave from their new album)

-maybe you're the problem - ava max (one of my common musical loves is "the next album for one hit wonder artists who many ppl thought quit music years ago" - she did sweet but psycho but i REALLY love her latest album, v cohesive dance pop)

-somebody i fucked once - zolita (listened to her bc i heard she was friends w gay youtubers and then was like how did i miss this lesbian pop girl where have i been)

-flowers - joan (i think they're an algorithm find, i know nothing about them but love the music)

-can't tame her - zara larsson (another swedish "one hit wonder" who is killing it, i got DEEPLY obsessed w her album poster girl and this is her new single)

-sick to my stomach - rebecca black (the ultimate one hit wonder lol except as an adult she is making fantastic hyperpop)

-running out of time - paramore (i figure everyone has heard the new paramore but also i live in a bubble where my faves are the most famous in the world idk anyways love it)

-tu t'en iras - la zarra (older song but she did eurovision this year for france)

-one that got away - MUNA (i will devour anything MUNA does but really enjoy this single)

-take me away - meet me @ the altar (this is a cover of the lindsay lohan band song in freaky friday and it still slaps!! also love this band as modern black girl pop punk)

-over - CHVRCHES (i just really like CHVRCHES always)

-easy - misterwives (ditto, 2020 album possibly changed my life)

-body do - chloë (everyone is calling her a flop and it makes me SAD bc i enjoy her solo music!!! tho to be fair it doesn't quite live up to chloe x halle as a whole album)

-heart wants what it wants - bebe rexha (i liked her new album way more than i expected to)

-feed the beast - kim petras (i like the whole album so hard to pick but it's a good one)

-missin u - tori kelly (she's going an r&b / y2k direction whereas she was more singer songwriter / belting type before and it's v fun!!)

-c'est la vie - MIKA (just released, i got re-obsessed w MIKA after he hosted eurovision in 2022 and new french MIKA is exactly what i needed)

OKAY enough for now lol

[cloama]

MMATA covered the song from Freaky Friday on their new album. It's cute. The lead, Edith Victoria always has lots of personality but she needs some harmony help in these verses. Why we gotta wait for the chorus to get harmony? ETA: Iwas listening to this on headphones that were about to die. The quality was terrible. This song sounds great upon a second listen. I heard lots of background work. Sorry, babes.

The whole album is really fun and cute. It is full of breakup songs. Wasn't expecting that.

Love the bridge of Say it(to my face). She sounds like a punky lil angel there. It's also fun to see them get back at haters with an undeniable hit song.

The chorus of Kool is so chaotic. Why are you saying it like that?????? But the song with its very obvious Brainstew influence is just fun. They're wild for that one. Also Edith showing yall that she actually a mf vocalist. Bc that chorus be taking my lungs out. Yes, by the end I was singing it too. Very fun. Very silly.

Tea plays her ass off but I'm not hearing the shredding as much in this project. She's really restrained here but the parts shes writing a good. So solid. I kind of want her to compose for others. Similarly, Ava's feet aren't as heavy on the pedals this go round. It seems they've made a choice. It's fine. They get to do that. But choosing to leave that calling card off an album that's 50% breakup songs is a choice. Tea used to be fucking it up in the background. Just shredding her way through the verses which worked because there aren't a lot of bg vocals. Not singing backup as strongly, her playing made up for that. I miss it. I also miss Ava's heavy ass drumming. It's all really different on here. I need to find some interviews about this project. Need to know what went into these choices. I still really like what theyre doing. Young adult audiences should be in love with them.

After all that fun up top the albums takes TMI and Same Language into what I call the Frustration Break. A couple songs about mfs working on your nerves. They're cute songs but feel like a lull. It works because the choruses are so good and you feel relieved by the end of that chunk of songs. Also a-capella handclap breaks are my weakness.

A Few Tomorrows is the bittersweet midtempo song about how it's not goodbye, only a "see you later" which is placed in the right order because literally the rest of the album after this track is backloaded with breakup up songs.

Need Me(my favorite track of this album) is an upbeat breakup bop. Cute. MMATA has a gift for making songs you want to sing along to. Lyrics tho. The simplicity is good but I've seen the pen push harder.

This is where I noticed their hardcore influence is not present at all in this album. Poof. Gone. Aww.

It's Over for Me is another breakup song. Track sequencing is winning big. Love when songs are in correct order. This track is not as strong as Need Me. I would have left this one off the project.

Thx for Nothing is the last breakup bop in this chunk of songs. This girl is going through it. Very 5sos. I say this as a 34 year old who barely knows what a 5sos is. Oh and that main guitar part sounds like what i can only describe as family reunion music. Real ones know.

Rocket science is another optimistic bop taking us to the end of this album but the song is full of phrases from those Hang In There posters. It's cute. It's giving Disney Knees. Edith who usually enunciates to a fault just stops doing that. "Everything is possible" turns into "ennythahggihhhpohhhiiiubbboool" and I cant state enough that I loved that. The Gerard of it all.

King of Everything: lament about life being so unnecessarily hard and wanting a do-over. Hard relate. Don't love the melody as much as the others. Not a happy ending to the album but a resolution for sure. I think the last two songs should have been switched but they said what they said.

3.5 out of 5 stars to Meet Me @ the Altar for their sophomore long playing album. The sequencing of tracks is so strong. A lost art these days. The tracks work together to take your through a bunch of highs and lows then sticks the landing with that final track. The album is good at exactly what it set out to do. That's all I ask. Miss that hard playing tho. I'm sure the live shows will fill that gap.

[baekhvuns]

Man City who??? Idk them 🙈🙉🙊 ugh the "next X" is so annoying, reminds me of "the next BTS" stfu already and let them be themselves! Barca girls? Them I can support!

Baek we're all Chelsea players at this point I'm afraid... can't even blame it on Abeamovich anymore 🔫

Lowkey thought Villa retired, I was so shocked to find him in India.

I've been to Plant Cafe before and it's good! I'm not sure if I'm going to Jeju this time round, I'm planning on coming back in the summer. I'll be quite busy with work so it'll keep me distracted or kill me. I like to be updated tho, so can't totally stay away from Twitter, also literally so many of my friends are seeing Ateez I WON'T BE ABLE TO ESCAPE IT 😭😭😭😭

I see you're determined to post the Yunho fic, I hope it happens soon for the sake of your mental health! And so you can focus on you know who perhaps 😉

Hannah no legs???? What happened!? Yes, I still have some of my Bratz dolls, but never had Shortcakes they weren't popular over here. Also Bratz games, I ate that shit up.

Bestie you haven't seen SKINS?! Maybe you're too young, but this show shaped me (not sure if it's a good thing lmao). It was one of the first "real" teen shows, not everything aged well, but it was a cultural reset. Huh omg I love Freaky Friday, so I might tune in for this, unless it's cringy af

Tasir whomst?! (I'm joking ily Tasir!) I'll give that Toothless ring to Hwa, just watch me!

Tbh I'd expect that reaction from Ronaldo and same, I used to do this shit in FIFA when my teams lost 😭

I know like four(?) Imagine Dragons songs, so I'm not sure 😅 Edgy Aussie band aksjajshahjaha TXT in their 70s era. Right, Tinnitus?! I love the Blue Hour's Korean title You and I found in the sky at 5:35 but Crown and One day a horn grew out of my head???

My first Ateez meeting was a blur I barely remember anything, but the hwands were smooth indeed... I thought Hwa looked like CEO doing aegyo, but junior tutor?! Why would you bring him up I'M PUNCHING MYSELF NOW. DILF Mingi made a comeback too

So true...Baby girl...

I can't move on from this I'M REACHING THE MAXIMUM LEVEL OF INSANITY 😱

This is so fucking funny ajshhahsusuahwhshw

What a throwback lol

This fucking company?!??! I thought no one was as bad or worse as the Omega X agency. Poor girls, seriously, they're all suffering so much, I read their private messages and they were so sad. Also the GWSN's company? They were detained from their dorm?! Wtf. Honestly as bad as some big companies are, at least they have enough money and don't pull THIS shit

Uhm and Lucas.....? That's insane. SM is so fucking weird. Literally whay the fuuuuck, Chris Lee you stupid mf... Some people say Lookass might go solo?! Mate has very little talent compared to people like Ten, Taeyong, Mark, let's be serious 😭😭😭😭 WayV, NCT and SuperM gonna catch strays because of him 🔫 poor Baekhyun too - DV 💖

hello!!

Man City who??? Idk them 🙈🙉🙊 ugh the "next X" is so annoying, reminds me of "the next BTS" stfu already and let them be themselves! Barca girls? Them I can support! //// Baek we're all Chelsea players at this point I'm afraid... can't even blame it on Abeamovich anymore 🔫 //// Lowkey thought Villa retired, I was so shocked to find him in India.

it really is bc those “next x” where are they??? they fall under the pressure and never end up making it,,, i think u know about how at one time rm got every big player as their mid fielders and they never gave them time to play which made their playing career 📉📉 ancelottt’s doing it again 😭😭 YEAH BARCA GIRLIES they’re actually kind of insane,,, NO SERIOUSLY WHAT POSITION DO U PLAY IN THE CHELSEA FC??? 🤨 yeah it’s so surprising but i guess good for him id be passing out tbh if i saw him irl <3

AND AND?? VARANE RETIREMENT??? AYO?

since we were talking about d*ni a*v*s that m*son gr**nw**d is back 🔫 major loss for prison fc

I've been to Plant Cafe before and it's good! I'm not sure if I'm going to Jeju this time round, I'm planning on coming back in the summer. I'll be quite busy with work so it'll keep me distracted or kill me. I like to be updated tho, so can't totally stay away from Twitter, also literally so many of my friends are seeing Ateez I WON'T BE ABLE TO ESCAPE IT 😭😭😭😭

pls do send a few restaurants u go to! AHHH if u go back in the summer you’ll be able to see those waterbomb festivals! hopefully ateez summer cb 🤲🏻😭😭 SEE I WILL KEEP U SELECTIVELY UPDATED, BLOCK UR FRIENDS THEYRE having a london fansign 😭😭

I see you're determined to post the Yunho fic, I hope it happens soon for the sake of your mental health! And so you can focus on you know who perhaps 😉 /// Hannah no legs???? What happened!? Yes, I still have some of my Bratz dolls, but never had Shortcakes they weren't popular over here. Also Bratz games, I ate that shit up.

giving myself this one last time if i can’t write it i will not anymore my fingers just won’t write for him fhwjdh 😭😭😭 U ALREADY KNOWWWWW U ALREADY KNOW ☺️☺️ hannah no legs! took it to aussie as a kid to visit family, went to my cousins place and (left the doll at another’s) came home to her foot being cut off by a 3 1/2 kid <333 i was fed excuses and i beloved them 🫡🫡 one thing about bratz doll’s is that their hair’s are so long,,, i used to shampoo them all the time fbwkfbdk strawberry shortcake dolls are creepy actually good thing u don’t have any 😭😭 STOP IT DO U RMR BRATZ GAME ON GAMEBOY

Bestie you haven't seen SKINS?! Maybe you're too young, but this show shaped me (not sure if it's a good thing lmao). It was one of the first "real" teen shows, not everything aged well, but it was a cultural reset. Huh omg I love Freaky Friday, so I might tune in for this, unless it's cringy af

IM YOUNG JCHCKCKS not “everything aged well” LIKE EVERY SHOW FROM THE EARLY 2000’s 😭😭😭 freaky friday is so good,, apparently ryan reynolds has a body swap movie too?? the change up?? gonna watch it but do u rmr that one movie where the nerd or the popular girl and the ‘footballer’ quarter back swapped bodies the “it’s a boy girl thing”💀💀 it was cute at times but not many ppl liked it,, hoping it’s not cringey bc we’ve HAD ENOUGH

Tasir whomst?! (I'm joking ily Tasir!) I'll give that Toothless ring to Hwa, just watch me! //// Tbh I'd expect that reaction from Ronaldo and same, I used to do this shit in FIFA when my teams lost 😭

LMFAOOO TASIR WHOMST??? OH IM SORRY HE DOES NOT EXIST I THINK?? PLS DO TAKE IT TO A FANSIGN 😭😭 JCBANCHCKC DID U DO IT WHEN RM LOST TO BARCA 😭😭😭 will be me when psg v bayern and if they lose

I know like four(?) Imagine Dragons songs, so I'm not sure 😅 Edgy Aussie band aksjajshahjaha TXT in their 70s era. Right, Tinnitus?! I love the Blue Hour's Korean title You and I found in the sky at 5:35 but Crown and One day a horn grew out of my head???

omg pls listen to bad liar by them, it started the villain yn and king hwa au for me <3 my religious anthem actually,,, TINNITUS HAD ME WEAK 😭😭😭 like the ringing in ears pls hybe 😭😭 ONE DAY A HORN GREW OUT OF MY HEAD GET THE FUCK OUT TBWMFBKWD THIS DEVIL IMAGERY HAS ME CRYING WHO’S WRITING THESE THINGS 😭😭😭😭

My first Ateez meeting was a blur I barely remember anything, but the hwands were smooth indeed... I thought Hwa looked like CEO doing aegyo, but junior tutor?! Why would you bring him up I'M PUNCHING MYSELF NOW. DILF Mingi made a comeback too

do u think he has hand creams for this hand, flavoured ones too,,, JUNIOR TUTOR TELL ME IT DOESNT LOOK LIKE IT GBWMFNWMJC the teasing mc and the poor junior that has to help mc <333 nuna romance <3 DILF MINGI. HAHA. and he?

ur right this tweet, he’s coming for messi’s ballon d’or actually

So true...Baby girl... //// I can't move on from this I'M REACHING THE MAXIMUM LEVEL OF INSANITY 😱 /// This is so fucking funny ajshhahsusuahwhshw /// What a throwback lol

he’s in his baby girl era omg,,, if he doesn’t put pretty sparkly clips in his hair,, HEY HEY HEY I AM BLIND DONT DO THIS 😩😩 LMFAOOO STOP BRO IS TIRED HIS FACE FBWJDHKWJCJC

baek taemin and kai in one group is a blessing,, their friendship >>> do u rmr this 😭😭

WAR IS OVER

This fucking company?!??! I thought no one was as bad or worse as the Omega X agency. Poor girls, seriously, they're all suffering so much, I read their private messages and they were so sad. Also the GWSN's company? They were detained from their dorm?! Wtf. Honestly as bad as some big companies are, at least they have enough money and don't pull THIS shit

this is like jessica’s case w sm??? and the company of theirs is trying to get them to promo as 12 members in japan??? wHAAT ARE THEY ON??? chu is so exhausted the media is just going haywire on her,, im glad ppl are supporting her bc that company is run by petty fucks,,, NOOO THAT GWSN THING WQS SO INSANE??? HOW ARE THE COMPANIES NOT ARRESTED ATP?? how hard it is to treat ur group CORRECTLY

Uhm and Lucas.....? That's insane. SM is so fucking weird. Literally whay the fuuuuck, Chris Lee you stupid mf... Some people say Lookass might go solo?! Mate has very little talent compared to people like Ten, Taeyong, Mark, let's be serious 😭😭😭😭 WayV, NCT and SuperM gonna catch strays because of him 🔫 poor Baekhyun too - DV 💖

i tbh didn’t even know what to say,,, wayv was so excited for their fanmeet, baek was coming back and now chris lee just decided to bring him back, just when u thought everything was good 😭😭😭 as in what did he bring to the group,,,, poor baekhyun bc lookas would start with calling baek pig and fat and hitting his injured leg again 😭😭😭 i will THROW HANDS AT HIM ON GOD FBWMDJWK baek back in one day! like bro’s out here dancing like rent due and getting hurt and lookas?

😭😭

and uh?

ARE WE HEARING PROMOTIONS???? FOR EVERYONE???? 41 albums,,,, oh we’re gonna be FED

[sneakerdoodle]

"(Not) Alone", Chapter 5

FINAL!!!! ONE!!!! I FINISHED A THING!!!!! WOW!!!!!

welcome to "Bard vs the mortifying ordeal of being known"!!!!!! they get their butt kicked!!!!!!

thanks to everyone who has tagged along for the ride, i have a loooooot a lot of feelings about all of this and it's been so great to be able to share some of them in this format 🥺 💗 💗 💗 💗 💗

<<<Previous chapter

ff.net || Google Docs

General warnings: big emotions/mental breakdown, moderately graphic metaphors (specifically: stomach trauma)

Just a little bit longer now.

The chorus fades; harmonious layers fall away one by one. The world is ready to move on, snap the connecting threads, one by one, and drift into endless space, leaving you behind. Just a little bit longer, and you will be freed of the countless voices celebrating their life without and after you.

As the distance between you and the rest of existence grows, the sole aching connection stretches thinner and thinner. The chorus is too far to hear, now - so pained vibrations of the lone cord grow clearer. A single voice still signs, straining, shaking with terror.

You’ve spent so long desperately resenting each other from the opposite ends of this unwelcome, binding tie. You both have been wishing for ignorance for so long. It would’ve been so much easier to forget everything that destroys you if you didn’t have to feel it echoed across space and time, chaining you to a place the thought of which terrifies you. You had wished countless times to squash the tiny pitiful voice like a bug under your fist.

Now that it is the only one you can hear, it sounds so… lonely. You would almost feel hesitant to sever your bond once and for all.

Good thing it was never up to you.

All you can do now is wait.

***

- So let me get this straight. She is still out there somewhere? Like, space??? And you’ve been, what, haunted by her?? This. entire. time?!!

It’s hard to tell if Miriam is raising her voice to outshout the wind beating against the two of them, or to vent out all of her befuddlement and frustration. The latter ring loud and clear either way, though.

Kiwi falters, shifting on the broom behind her. The subsequent shaking of their transport gets a stressed out hiss out of Miriam.

- ...Sort of?.. - Bard's voice wavers as they try to find a way to communicate this inexplicable empathetic knowledge. - She’s not really… anywhere. - They feel short of breath on the last word and have to take a moment before continuing: - And it’s not like she’s a ghost… not really?..

Miriam scoffs, and Kiwi is forced to appreciate just how weird it is that they have an actual precedent for that.

- Are you sure tho?? - Miriam herself sounds uncertain, now, as if grasping for any understanding, any familiar solution to this. - Sure sounds like one of those freaky empathy possessions.

She falls silent for a second.

- Is she trying to like… use your voice?..

Bard has to gulp down, hard, to relax the straining tension in his chest. His fingers ever so lightly rest on his throat. It burns with a tight ache of an unsung song. They shake their head, falling heavier against Miriam’s back, then wrap their arms around her.

It’s weird, being so close to her again, and so vulnerable. Kiwi feels exposed, the raggedy landscape of all of her weird, conflicting feelings suddenly uncovered. It’s difficult, accepting Miriam’s comfort when all these edges and ridges must be so rough for another person to touch. But it’s too scary to let go of it now, too. So Kiwi presses their forehead into their friend’s warm steady body, and lets Miriam decide when it gets too much.

They reach Langtree deep into the night. The village is sound asleep, and silence and warm air wrap all over it like a comfortable heavy blanket. The flowers barely glow in time with the chirping of crickets, lulled to sleep with the rest of this small, harmonic world.

Kiwi points Miriam to the edge of the village, and they land onto a clearing cushioned with soft lush grass. Despite all the warmth and comfort of the gentle Langtree night, Kiwi can’t stop rubbing his shoulders. The nervous feeling that has been building up inside of him the entirety of the flight seems to have reached its peak. They look around, timid and unsure.

Next to them, Miriam is tightening her grip on the broom, seeming just as lost.

- Soooo…. What’s the plan, exactly? - she asks, skepticism only poorly covering the anxious notes in her voice.

Kiwi takes a cautious step toward the edge of the woods, tilting their head up. She closes her eyes and holds her breath, afraid of drowning out… something. The undefined and vague it she hopes to find here.

Behind them, Miriam starts nervously tapping her foot. After a full minute of intense listening, Kiwi has to admit that their friend's impatient shuffling and huffing is the only thing they can hear here. Their breath catches in their throat on the exhale. Is this it? Is there nothing? Has this all been in vain, are they never going to--

Miriam's hand lands on their shoulder and tugs at it, urging Kiwi to turn around. Miriam looks frustrated, and worried… and tired.

- Well?? - she demands, and Bard tries to gather their thoughts, to follow through on the promise. They are going to try to talk.

They grasp for the sensation of Miriam’s touch, trying to ground themself however they can.

-...Remember, - they start, voice wavering, and Miriam gives their shoulder a soft reassuring squeeze, - in the Spirit World… when an Overseer would… die, - Kiwi swallows, the word heavy and cold in their stomach, - we could still feel… something? Their… presence.

Miriam nods, intent.

- I thought… maybe we would be able to find her here? Somehow… To… bring her back. - Bard's gaze wanders aimlessly, eyes unable to focus. He feels like he's falling, for miles and miles, with nothing to hold onto. - But there's… nothing here at all.

- Woah, hey.

Miriam grabs both of their hands. Kiwi looks down at them and notes how they are shaking in Miriam's steadying hold.

They take as deep of a breath as they can, with the panic rolling up to their throat in a thick suffocating wave. Miriam encouragingly rubs their hand with her thumb. Kiwi finds her eyes and gives her as much of a grateful smile as they can.

- ...Do you feel anything?

Bard can almost feel the last string of hope stretching excruciatingly thin.

Miriam gives Kiwi a glum look, then sighs in resignation. She closes her eyes and takes a step back, frowning with focus.

A few seconds pass in tense silence that floods Bard’s every sense. At last, Miriam exhales, her shoulders dropping, and shakes her head.

Bard feels something in him give out.

The air between them is hopelessly and unmistakably dead.

- ...Do we even need her back? - Miriam grumbles. - I don't get why you're trying so hard to--

The immediate deafening sickness that crashes over Kiwi must be shockingly obvious, because Miriam is immediately at their side, calling out in hurried worry:

- Okay, okay, I'm sorry!!! - she plants her hands firmly on Kiwi’s shoulders. - I get it. This is… big.

Bard manages a shaky nod, struggling against paralyzing fear. Their scrambled thoughts are going a thousand miles a second, swarming their brain with dizzying questions, too many to count or process. Is this how Miriam feels about them, too, what would she think if she knew, is she right, is the world right, are they doomed for not feeling the same way, is it too late for them, is it too late for her…

- Kiwi.

Miriam's voice sounds unnervingly serious, insistent, but also… pleading, in a way that, in the middle of this whirlpool of emotions, makes Bard's heart ache.

The two of them stare at each other, from what feels like miles away, balancing on the edge of feelings that would be too big to handle, right now. So they hold hands, and keep each other's feet on the ground, as firmly as they can.

Bard draws a long shaky breath and smiles, weakly, affirming that they see their friend, hear her, understand what the look in her eyes means. Miriam exhales, letting go of the obvious panicked guilty tension.

- Okay... Let's see.

With one hand at her chin, Miriam frowns at the ground, the tapping of her foot resuming. Her other hand is holding onto Kiwi's.

- The… thing never actually happened… here. It was this… weird whacky "this world-Spirit World" collision.

Miriam looks at Bard, small and unsure.

- We should probably check the, uh, other side. - They watch her scrape together every tiny shred of confidence in her possession before she speaks again, bravely feigning certainty. - Come on!!

Kiwi lets Miriam lead her through the trees, past her house, looking dark and abandoned, up the flowering hill. She feels absolutely wrecked. It is infinitely comforting, to lean into Miriam's decisiveness, let her take charge. But Miriam's hand in Kiwi's own is sweating nervously, and from time to time, they squeeze her fingers, to offer her whatever presence they can.

The realization does not dawn on Bard until they reach the towering Tree of Slumber. Once it does, though, they are stopped dead in their tracks, letting go of Miriam's hand. Oh no.

Miriam takes a couple more steps toward the mystic giant and measures it up. With a heavy sigh, she starts rummaging through her pockets. She looks... tired. There is no way she is getting any sleep tonight, and the emotional exhaustion combined with the long, long day she's having must be absolutely draining.

- We go together. Find each other as soon as we can, - she throws a concerned look in Bard's direction, - um… hopefully.

Kiwi responds with a stifled high-pitched "mhm!!..", frantically searching for any way out of this. There are none. Miriam is right. The Spirit World is the only next logical step.

Miriam freezes, hands at her sides. She looks over at Bard, an embarrassed blush creeping up her face.

- I, uh. don't have my piccolo. - She stares down at the ground, arms crossed. - So… just!! go first.

Bard swallows a panicked chuckle. Sure. Singing. That is a thing they do.

They approach the Tree on weak legs, fiddling with their fingers in nervous desperation. Miriam watches them, her cheeks still a self-conscious pink. This feels like walking off a cliff edge, trying to get ready to plummet into the ocean below. They're not. They're desperately not ready to disclose this. But time and circumstance keep pushing them forward with undeniable urgency, no matter how hard they dig their heels into the ground.

Kiwi draws a deep full breath. Before he even attempts to sound the first note, he feels it fall dead, empty and flat.

This won't work. He doesn't even have to try.

Bard could laugh from all the hopelessness they are feeling. Who even knew that they still had new, beautifully soul-crashing lows to hit! But the supposed laugh chokes them up, gets stuck in their throat in a hard clump, making their eyes water.

The look in Miriam's eyes shifts from defensive to intense. She watches Kiwi in silence, waiting. When a few seconds pass and the quiet between them is not broken, her whole body is suddenly charged and seething.

- I knew it!!! - She balls her fists. - I knew there was something wrong!! - She glares at Kiwi with flaming self-righteous anger mixed with frantic concern. - Fess up!!!

Bard feels their lip start to quiver and slaps both hands over their face. They try to breathe steady.

- I… - Their voice is dangerously shaky. The choking knot is coming looser and looser. - I can't… do it. I can't… sing. Not like that.

Kiwi finally lets the suffocating laugh out. Miriam must appreciate just how incredibly ridiculous, impossibly hopeless this is, right? The sound escapes their constricted throat in a twisted, gasping sob. All at once, all that was left of their strength evaporates into thin air.

Bard's back presses against the rough bark of the tree, and they let their body slide down it, curling up between its roots.

With the scariest confession they ever had to make out in the open, Kiwi feels suddenly and brutally gutted, all of the messiest most vulnerable parts of them mercilessly on display. And they just won't stop spilling out, now.

When, after a few seconds of broken raw silence, Miriam's steps grow close, her shoulder presses against their own, and her hair tickles their cheek as she helplessly tries to meet their eyes, Bard takes their hands away, their face a wet mess, and lets the words that have been buried in their chest like dead drowning weight come out in a flood.

- It's no good anymore, I can't… sing anything good anymore, not anything that anyone would want! I can't join anyone else, it's all just… not coming out right… I tried, I really, really tried to mean it, I really wanted… to stay… in the song… But all that is left is… the other one. I know that if I try… to be honest… it will come out. And it can't! So I… can't.

Kiwi's hands are flying in the air now, frantic and shaking, desperately trying to dry their face, helplessly twisting into vague inarticulate gestures.

Miriam's fingers wrap around one and bring it down, carefully, like a panicked fledgling. Then Kiwi's other hand finds itself in Miriam's, pacified. Miriam leans even closer in, meets Bard’s eyes, fixes them with her gaze. She is sulking, and teary-eyed.

In a quiet, rough tone, she asks:

- Why?

Bard tries to swallow another whimper, but does not have any will left to suppress it.

- It's her, Miriam! - she moans, desperate for her friend to understand. But that's not quite right, that's not what's so scary about this. - Or… it's… me. I… feel what she feels. - They take a ragged, sharp breath.- I think I… always have?..

Miriam's face scrunches up in clear confusion.

- Always? Like… this??

Bard shakes their head.

- Not like this, just… the normal way. We’re… similar. - They curl up into a ball, burying their face in their knees. - We want… the same things. And I still can't… let go! I can't be better than that. - They grip the fabric of their cape, crumple it in their tense aching fingers. - Even after everything.

The last words come out in a helpless wailing sob, probably barely intelligible.

Kiwi lets the crying fit overtake them and rattle their entire being until it, hopefully, exhausts itself. Their head hurts. They feel deeply, irreversibly drained, bone-weary. They are barely aware of anything but the violent spasms of their body and the unbearable weight crushing and shattering their heart. All these tears are not even leaving them soothed or unburdened.

Miriam clings to them with a death grip, as if they're about to be ripped away by a storm. She waits, and does not say anything.

It takes a while to weather it, but Bard is already so incredibly tired. There is only so much senseless sobbing their nerves can handle.

They sigh.Their breath is weak and unsteady. Feeling weirdly empty, they let their body slump in Miriam's arms and stare blankly into the quiet still night.

What now?

They feel Miriam take a deep breath.

- Sing it.

Bard turns to her with a look of disbelief and fear, and quietly shakes their head. Miriam furiously rolls her eyes.

- Just sing it, okay?! It's hers, so what? It's yours, too, and you're here!

Kiwi grabs their shoulders, suddenly feeling very cold.

- I don’t want to. I don't... think I could come back from that. And it wouldn’t be… right.

She looks up at Miriam, distant and despondent.

- Would I break the world?..

Miriam freezes in contemplation - for only a second. Then, she shakes her head.

- You don't actually think you're the only person on the entire planet who feels all that, right?

Bard shrugs, their gaze wandering away. Among all the bright happy beginnings, it sure feels this way. Incredibly and inescapably lonely.

Miriam leans forward and looks them in the eye.

- I’ll listen. I promise, okay? You won't, "break", anything.

Kiwi studies his friend's eyes for what feels like eternity, trying to understand the certainty, the intensity… the longing. Looking at Miriam now, they can see her own loneliness, so very different from theirs. It’s begging for them to finally be honest, impatient to hear all that they have to share. Almost hungry for it.

They turn their attention inward. The haunting song is there, always within reach - all they need to do is let it happen. The weird and terrifying phantom connection is fading, but the song is not. It's… theirs. It's the only one they have, if they hope to ever be able to sing again. They have just been biding their time, haven’t they?

They put their hand on top of Miriam's, hold it as tight as they can and give a slow nod. Miriam tightens her arms around them, prepared.

Bard straightens their back and breathes in, deep, feeling the air fill their lungs and ignite the notes that have been ready to burst out of their chest. They squeeze their eyes shut and take the leap.

The first fragile sound balances on the tip of their tongue for a brief moment before falling into the warm night air. Their voice is hoarse, worn out by their sobbing, but, for the first time in a long time, it carries the melody without fault. They have forgotten just how natural this can feel…

The song hangs heavy in the air around them, slowly unfurling the vast and desolate scape of loneliness, dread, old unhealed hurt. It's not easy to sing; but it's right to.

Bard hesitantly opens their eyes and stumbles, their voice wavering. In front of them, a little ways down the hill, one of the shimmering flowers is growing a dark blue colour, dimmer than Bard has ever seen it turn. Their heart falls. They should stop, they shouldn't--

Miriam's hands squeeze their shoulders. Slowly, quietly, she picks up the melody, sends the song afloat again for a little bit longer. Her voice is timid, but steady, waiting for Bard to join back in.

Kiwi gives the swirling dark of the flower's petals one last long look, then forces themself to meet his friend's eyes and follows her lead, one unsure note at a time. Their voices blend together, echoing each other's uncertainty. Holding each other up. Slowly, ever so subtly, they both grow stronger.

Bard finds a new feeling running through the cold heavy stream of their melody. It fills them with live, current electricity. Miriam is not singing from herself; but she is lending her voice to their feeling, readily and fully. Hearing all their fear and despair unearthed and echoed in her timbre rips their heart open in the gentlest, most fulfilling way, like it’s been ripe and ready for it. For the first time in a long, long time, they feel… understood. Like there is a place for them in this world. Here and now.

Love, gratitude, relief swirl in Kiwi’s heart, vigorous yet sweet, tender. This time, their tears are quiet and warm.

They fall fully into the song, voice soaring. They want to be heard. They want to sing all of it, they want to share everything, to be known. It's okay if they are. There is a heart that's been waiting to hold them.

The dark blue flows to the edges of trembling petals, dissipated by sparks of gold, bright and bold. The flower blooms and blazes like a tiny flame.

With every next note of the song, now loud, clear, true, another blossom ignites in bright colour. Shimmering light rolls down the hill, springing from petal to petal, stitching into a glowing pattern as far as Bard and Miriam's voices can reach. The two of them sing in the softly illuminated night, drifting on the swelling notes.

Overhead, out of view, past the far-reaching crown of the Tree of Slumber, a few stars start burning brighter. They glimmer in every shade of the rainbow, mirroring the glowing pattern that has been painted across the quiet meadow in the small village of Langtree. A new constellation forms, and for a moment, the night sky grows brighter and closer.

***

Lights ignite in the soundless dark, one by one.

They rip the shrinking, dissipating void open, and for a moment, you're blinded and confused.

The warm glow beckons you - elsewhere. It leads somewhere that isn't this. There is a place for you; somewhere to be.

The road is stitched in starlight, and it is for you. The gentle flames are here to warm you, every cold, numb part of you. The distant lights that mark your way are steady and sure - they will not fade, they will not leave you to stray. They are here to bring you home.

You reach, tentatively, with all that you are, scared it will all vanish in the blink of an eye, another sick, cruel trick of the universe.

The glow envelops you, takes all of you into itself. It carries you along, gently encouraging you to take the next step.

You are safe here. You are safe now.

You are not alone.

[coffeeandcalligraphy]

A chatty writing update | novels, short fiction, etc!

Hi folks!

It’s been a while since I last wrote an update on this blog! I thought it’d be fun to go back to basics, and just talk about writing. This post chats about: new plans for Feeding Habits, my newest novel, my short story goals & growing collection, along with process reflections.

(image description: a photo of green leaves with the text “writing update” in a white font written on top. /end image description)

Post starts under the cut!

General taglist (please ask to be added or removed)

@if-one-of-us-falls, @qatarcookie, @chloeswords, @alicewestwater, @laughtracksonata, @shylawrites, @ev–writes, @jaydewritesfiction, @jennawritesstories @eowynandfaramir, @august-iswriting, @aetherwrites, @avakrahn, @maisulli

What have I been up to?

For starters, I finished my second year of my Writing undergrad last week and got two of my final grades back today (A+ baby)! For anyone who has taken online university, y’all already KNOW, but this year was so difficult. Would not recommend! Really proud of myself to have gotten through this absolute rollercoaster of a school term and am excited to get into some writing. That leads us to:

What have I been up to (writing edition)?

2021 started off so fast. By the time January hit, I was so consumed in my new semester that I did not have time to write Feeding Habits (my novel). In the first few days of the term, I managed to write between class, until I could no longer keep up! Essentially, I did not write any of that novel until exam season (last week), where I did manage to get in about 3k words in ~4 days.

Feeding Habits

I’m currently drafting what I believe will be the last chapter of this book (chapter 10: Swan Song). This chapter is so bizarre for a few reasons. It begins the book’s third part and also marks the shift back into Lonan’s head from Harrison’s. I originally thought this part would be much, much longer, with at least another five chapters to go, but quickly realized the book’s content was nearly completed. In my 4 day 3k palooza, I hit 50k in the book (the word count goal), and couldn’t see myself extending past 60k. Since then, I’ve made the loose decision to write this final chapter as a ~novella. Here are a few reasons why:

1. This chapter is structurally very strange.

I unashamedly shift from present to past to present to past past, and so much more every 12 words. I mapped out the timeline on a sheet of paper, and there were over 20 shifts in scenes (the chapter is only about 4400 words at the moment). The fictive past is incredibly important to this chapter, more important than the present, and I thought it would make more sense to not break randomly for a chapter so I could upkeep the consistent inconsistency of the chapter.

2. The chapter is very abstract

This stems from the structural changes, but there are paragraphs in this chapter of the fictive present that are loosely based in reality. They’re more poems than they are factual paragraphs, and keeping them all contained in one place (so a mega chapter/ novella) would reduce the most confusion!

3. There’s not much left to cover

Like I said above, Feeding Habits is on its last leg, lol! I know exactly where the book needs to end up, which is very, very soon from where I’m currently at on the timeline. Swan Song should cover what 2-4 chapters would cover in terms of arcs.

Feeding Habits and I have a really weird relationship, tbh! When I realized a few weeks ago that it’d been over a year since I started the book, I realized I just needed to finish it. Not that I want to rush (because I’ve taken longer than a year to write a book in the past), but that in order to move onto another project, I’d like to put this one behind first. This book has been the hardest thing I’ve ever written, and has reminded me there’s always a time to let go. This sort of scrounges up a conversation about letting this entire series go, which is certainly something I’ve been contemplating doing soon(ish). If this spinoff series gets a third book, that may or may not be the last Fostered book for a very long time (or ever)! There are many complex reasons to move on, but the main one is that I have other projects I’d like to focus on. This is not a definitive decision, but something I’ve certainly been thinking about!

Here are a few excerpts I wrote recently:

(TW: death, gore)

Dying feels like being a trout dangled out of water. Clinging to a hook. Mouth open. Scales iridescent in a final death cry. It’s like blood spurting up the knuckles, drowning out the flesh. It’s that moment on the long fall down when the clouds cup the body. Easy drifting. The sound a skull makes when it cracks is really just the afterthought.

(TW: death, gore)

Kill shot. Death blow. Coup de grace. Right in the heart. He feels it. The blood swelling, slicking his palms. He can do it. Reach into the cavity. Feel for the ribs. Part each bone. Then cup the humming heart. Stay there. Right. It’s never been easier.

Look at this PURE moment of Lonan holding a baby I CANNOT:

The grocery store was a fifteen-minute walk away. With Olivia clinging to his shoulder, Lonan was acutely aware that she could feel his heartbeat. Open valve. Close. Repeat. Hers pulsed right above his, a miniature drumming. The sky had bruised purple, misted with clouds. The evening air nipped his cheeks, so he made sure Olivia was securely fastened between him and his jacket. With wide eyes, she absorbed the drowsy suburbia, all its family cars pulling into driveways, all its couples heading back home after a sunset walk. When Lonan passed a young boy walking two golden retrievers, Olivia giggled, and didn’t stop, even after he’d spent fifty dollars on groceries and nearly the rest on a red Corolla marked with a MUST GO NOW sign outside a convenience store.

Let’s move on!

Mandy and Cora

I said I wouldn’t talk too much about this project, but I just love it so much?? I wanted to share my SUPER early thoughts on drafting a novel, especially one that is SO different from what I’ve been writing recently. I talked about this before in THIS post, but the summary about this project is that it’s a YA contemporary novel! Can’t believe I’m writing YA again, it’s been so long, but I also think it’s going so well. Everything I’ve learned as a literary fiction writer has been a fantastic primer for transferring back to the genre. Admittedly, I have not written much, but I’m having a lot of fun diving back into a lighter project. This is the summary:

Cora and Mandy are identical twins who’ve always done everything together. But when Mandy decides to go to university out of province after graduation and Cora doesn’t, Cora takes this as an opportunity to “test run” life apart from her sister for the first time by spending the summer at her aunt’s house across the country.

I have come up with a few ~things since I last talked about this project, mostly how I’d like to structure it. As of now, I’d like the book to be structured super loosely. I’m really pulling on a lot of inspo from “We Are Okay” by Nina LaCour (which is SO good), particularly how “nothing happens-y” that book is. This project (which I still need a title for!!) will be structured in short chapters that cover something Cora does on her own for the first time (without Mandy). For example, a few ideas are “Flight”, “Lunch”, and “Groceries”. “Flight” is the first “chapter” (they’re really kind of vignettes) where Cora flies to her aunt’s house. I still can’t determine if this book will take place in Canada. On one hand, I feel like there will be a wider audience if it takes place in the US (is that just an assumption??? maybe?? someone let me know!), but also: don’t really care too much about an audience at the moment! It could also take place in Canada (So Ontario and British Columbia). But if it does take place in the US, I think it may take place in NYC and San Francisco. The problem is: I really don’t like researching lol, and while I’ve been to NYC many times, I will definitely write it wrong! Does this really matter on a first draft?? absolutely not lol, but of course I am already overthinking!

But back to structure: I am looking forward to seeing what this looser structure will do. This is a story that is solely around one half of a set of twins learning to be her own person (and ultimately that she doesn’t have to completely forget her sister in order to do that), and as a twin who KNOWS this feeling, I think this structure of her doing things for the first time is SUPER relatable.

I was worried it might sound silly/worrying to others who are not twins that Cora hadn’t done things like “lunch” or “groceries” on her own, but I feel this so much as an identical twin myself! Not that she hasn’t done anything at all by herself, but as a twin, when you do something without your twin for the first few times, at least in my experience, you notice. If any twins are reading this--weigh in!

This story is the most personal thing I’ve ever written. It definitely is an OwnVoices book! Usually, I avoid details that are remotely similar to me because they make me uncomfortable haha, but with this book, it’s all me, lol! The characters are all Guyanese, which is SO fun because I’ve been planning what they eat (my fellow Caribbean peeps know: the FOOD!), which is so fun (yes they have pumpkin and shrimp, yes they have roti, yes they have pera, yes they have mithai). Every time I’ve gone to dabble at this book, or even think about it, I get incredibly emotional for this reason? I don’t exactly know why. I think this is a story I just so want to tell, with the culture I love SO much that I definitely struggled to love as a child. This is reclamation bitchessss!

Not going to lie tho: the prospect of writing ~a book~ is kind of freaky! I’m going to make the minimum word count for this book pretty short (50k) and see where it goes from there. I think I will focus on this project this summer! Originally I was going to write a literary novel this summer, but I think this one’s calling my name!

Here’s a pretty rough excerpt:

Try. I remind myself that’s what I’m doing after the flight attendant fills me a disposable cup of Coca Cola and all I can think of is Mandy and I shoving Mentos into a bottle of the stuff when we were twelve. Just me, wedged in the middle seat between an exchange student heading out for summer break and a middle-aged woman sipping a cocktail, thinking of Mandy and I bursting whole oranges in a blender when we were bored one Winter break as the plane dips through a wave of turbulence. Mandy and I dying our hair neon green with highlighters (didn’t work—our hair is too dark) as the plane lands on the tarmac. Mandy and I arguing so loud last month, we both lost our voices as I lug my carry-on out of the overhead compartment and shuffle off the plane and through the airport, searching for Aunt Vel.

Short Fiction

I’ve written so much short fiction this year! I have a goal to write a short story a month (they can range in length, as long as 1 is “complete”), so my short story brain has seriously been soaking it all up lately. Let’s chat my month to month breakdown so far:

January:

I wrote four stories in January! The first is a flash fiction piece called “Shark Swimming” that follows a young woman who attends a shark swimming class after breaking up with her girlfriend. I wrote this story for a “test” workshop for my fiction class, and it was based off the prompt “think about something you’re afraid to do and make the character do that thing”. I’m not particularly afraid of sharks, but had been wanting to use the title “Shark Swimming” for AGES (literally since 2018).

This story is one of my favourites. It’s only about 900 words, but I think there’s something profound in how mundanely specific it is. The entire story doesn’t even see the narrator swim with sharks once; it actually takes place fully in the sanctuary’s lobby. But I really love this narrator. This is the first story I’ve written in second person in a while, though I felt really connected to the unnamed narrator. She struggles with accepting that she truly is a “boring” person, and there’s something about the final image that really gets me!

I’ve been submitting this around, though it’s been rejected a handful of times. Hoping I can secure it at a magazine one day because I really love it!

The second story is “Joanne, I’ll Pray for You” which is actually a rewrite of one of my very first short stories (the first story I did not write for a class haha), “NYC in Your Apartment”. I LOVE this rewrite a lot, and also learned the original is not a very good short story! Revising this story taught me just how much I’ve learned in the 2 years I’ve been writing short fiction. Seeing the 2019 version versus the 2021 version side by side is fascinating because I essentially “gutted’ the 2019 version of its beginning and end until all that was left was the middle of the story (aka the actual story). AKA: this is the only story I’ve ever written with a hopeful ending and I cut out all the happy bits lol I am SO sorry (that arc is more for a novel or novella). That’s how this went from a 5k word story to an 1800 word story (my Submittable thanks me for this lol). A lot of details and scenes I included were more pertinent to a 3 act structure/novel, which of course short stories don’t often have because of their brevity. I love rambling about writing theory, and seeing that actually pay off is so fascinating!

(TW: trauma)

Like the original, this story follows Joanne, a woman in her early twenties, who spontaneously breaks up with her boyfriend. She claims the poltergeist haunting her drove her to this decision. The original draft focused a lot more on the traumatic events Joanne survives, but this draft really loosens them up. It focuses less so on the events themselves, and more on how Joanne’s life is affected. I found the details of these events were less important, and even sort of contradicted Joanne’s insistence she is being haunted. Instead, the poltergeist really takes more precedence in the new draft as a force Joanne doesn’t understand. That ambiguity, I think, is what the story truly needed.

I also centralized Joanne’s relationship with her boyfriend, Julian, here. Now don’t get me wrong, I really didn’t add anything to this draft. It was a matter of trimming the fat around it to leave the lean “meat” in the centre. But by removing that fat, I was able to emphasize what was most important here, and that was her relationship. Julian always played a really big role in the original draft, but I feel like his role as both a friend and partner to Joanne is much more emphasized since this draft literally is only two scenes now. Because there is less, there is more room for Joanne to reflect, which I’m happy about!

A final change I made was the setting and therefore the title. The original, which was “NYC in Your Apartment,” I couldn’t keep because I shifted the setting to Toronto (this is how I originally saw it, but in 2019 I just?? couldn’t?? write?? canlit??), and “Toronto in Your Apartment” sounded sort of gross LOL. The new title comes from a line in the story which I think is more relevant to the themes!

The next short story I wrote in January was “How to Spell Alpaca.” This one is super fun because I wrote it SO fast (in about 15 minutes or so). THIS is the writing update if you’re interested in learning more. I talked extensively about this one in that update, but some developments are that I dove into an edit a few weeks ago to really understand the core of the story. I’m still not quite there (this is just an intuitive feeling; I know not everything has “clicked), but I am really intrigued by the two mothers in the story, the narrator, and her newfound acquaintance, Violet. Both really struggle to understand their place as mothers (the narrator even declares she isn’t a mother anymore). The narrator, who is in her 50s, sees herself in Violet, who is much younger (~20s), and so she views Violet’s relationship with her daughter in a cautionary, yet mournful way, like she can see it will end up like her own relationship with her daughter, despite wanting the opposite. This is a really subtle story. I feel like if you blink, you’ll miss the message. But I think it’s compelling for that reason. It’s really a portrait of parenting and how to grapple with mistakes you may make that inevitably affect your children. Wow just unlocked the theme writing this lol.

The final story I wrote in January is “The Party,” which may be in my top 3 faves I’ve ever written. This story follows Aida, a recent divorcee in her ~40s. The day her divorce turns official, she moves into a new house and receives a party invitation addressed to the previous homeowner, yet RSVP’s anyway. At this party, she’s hoping to find some sense of noticeability, having struggled with being nondescript her whole life. Things seem quite normal at the party, until it gets bizarre.

I LOVE this story, y’all. Like “How to Spell Alpaca” it really delves into motherhood. Aida, our narrator, is incredibly hurt after her divorce. She now lives farther from her children she struggled to feel connected to in the first place, and doesn’t really know how to reignite her life. This party is a means to do that. This is the first story I’ve written that contains a “twist” which is strange because I really prefer stories that give us as much info as possible upfront, but yes, this one sort of twists.

February

I wrote one story in February, and that was “Protect the Young.” This title is SO changing when I think of a new one because it’s thematically incorrect, haha, but this story follows a woman in her late 40s whose daughter, Lindy, announces she is married the same day all their backyard chickens turn up dead. The discovery of dead chickens prompts our narrator to recall her ex-husband’s murder and the role her daughter may have played in his death.

I love this story so much! I think this would make a great closing for my short story collection. It just has that vibe! I wrote this for my second fiction workshop. I thought I had to hand in the story a week earlier than I had to, so I panicked and wrote this in one sitting! Little did I know, I did not need to do that lol but I’m very happy because this story is so fun. We get to learn more about Arnold (her ex), his relationship with Lindy, and how that translates to Lindy’s relationship with her new husband, Malcolm. I LOVE true crime (I listen to about 3-4 hours of case coverage daily), and this is my first “true crime” story. Because of that, I’m very sus of a few details that probably wouldn’t slide in actual investigatory work, so I’ll also be working on that in a revision. My professor also gave me a great suggestion that may alter the story’s structure a bit, though I look forward to toggling with it in the future.

March

In March, I was really on a Criminal Minds kick lol. I’ve been watching this show since I was seven (oops), and dove into a rewatch since it hit Disney+! This story, “Where to Run When the Lamb Roars,” is very clearly Rachel watching 5 episodes of CM a day. Oops! We follow 14-year-old Astrid as she and her older half brother kidnap a young girl to sacrifice for their yearly ritual.

I knew a few things going into this story, but the main thing was that I did NOT want to show any details of a potential murder (if one even occurs). I really wanted to keep all of those elements off the page because this story is not about those events, but about Astrid’s relationship with her brother. They are a murderous duo, with Astrid actually being the dominant partner. I wanted to explore that. I knew her brother, Fox, was more of a submissive partner in their team, even when he used to do this same thing with his father when he was much younger (chilling!), and so it was a task to explore how this young girl’s desire for violence works. The end actually comes right before the story starts, one could say, but I like it for this reason. It really made me contemplate the story by the time I finished it, and helped me examine what it really was about versus what it appeared to be about.

April

(TW: sexual content, non explicit)

I was so busy this month! Who knows if I’ll write a story last minute, but I did write one story this month called “Five Times Fast.” I wrote this during a “writing sprint” that was being hosted at a flash fiction workshop I recently took with one of my favourite writers ever, K-Ming Chang. I learned so much from this class, and am so happy I came out of it with a draft! This story is just over 300 words, so the shortest flash I’ve ever written, but I’m really happy with it. It was based off the prompt “describe the last time you or your character was naked.” In this case, the narrator has a “friends with benefits” relationship with Ricky who works at a laundromat. This story highlights a moment in this relationship (and also Ricky’s goofy personality lol). I really like it! Hopefully I’ll submit it to some magazines soon.

My short story collection

Very briefly I wanted to touch on my short story collection which I’ve titled “She is Also Dead.” I’ve been meaning to make a blog post on this, so look out for that in the coming months, but this collection is already at around 35k words (about 14 stories so far). The collection also surprisingly has a solid amount of flash fiction which is kind of fun! There’s definitely a range here, which is what I personally love in short story collections.

I feel very professional now that I have a ~collection chart. This is her:

(image description: A chart with the title “She is Also Dead.” It is broken into four columns: Story, Status, Word Count, and Published. Entry 1 - Story: Slaughter the Animal. Status: Revisions, Word Count, 3982, Published: N/A. Entry 2 - Story: Joanne, I’ll Pray for You, Status: Polished, Word Count: 1809, Published: N/A. Entry 3 - Story: Primary Organs, Status: Published, Word Count: 2342, Published: The Malahat Review. Entry 4 - Story: Faberge, Status, Polished, Word Count: 619, Published: N/A. Entry 5 - Story: The Wolf-Antelope Will Not Come for Us, Status, Polished, Word Count: 1556, Published: filling Station (forthcoming). Entry 6 - Story: How to Spell Alpaca, Status: revisions, Word Count: 1327, Published: N/A. Entry 7 - Story: Blink Twice for Final Judgement, Status: Polished, Word Count: 6572, Published: N/A. Entry 8 - Story: The Species is Dead, Status: Published, Word Count: 1208, Published: Minola Review. Entry 9 - Story: Shark Swimming, Status: Polished, Word Count: 907, Published: N/A. Entry 10 - Story: The Party, Status, Polished, Word Count 2339, Published: N/A. Entry 11 - Story: Fig, Status: Polished, Word Counter: 947, Published: N/A. Entry 12 - Story: Protect the Young, Status: Revisions, Word Count: 4128, Published: N/A. Entry 13 - Story: Where to Run When the Lamb Roars, Status: Revisions, Word Count: 2174, Published: N/A. Entry 14 - Story: Phantom Limbs, Status: Revisions, Word Count: 4844, Published: N/A.) /end image description.

This order is DEFINITELY not permanent (at this point whenever I write a story, I just fit it randomly into this chart lol), and some of the info is outdated (for example, Slaughter the Animal is now polished!!! thank god!!!). But just an idea of what I’m thinking of including.

This is the summary so far:

In SHE IS ALSO DEAD, characters are pushed to act on their gravest impulses. A small town turns murderous when their local invasive species, the Janices, begin dying. A child struggles to understand her mother’s suicide. A college dropout who insists she’s being haunted by a poltergeist unexpectedly breaks up with her boyfriend. A mother acknowledges her daughter’s murderous tendencies after her backyard chickens mysteriously die. A young girl caters the funeral of a girl rumored to be killed by a wolf-antelope. A newly-divorced mother RSVP’s to a bizarre party she was not invited to, and a murderous brother and sister upkeep their yearly tradition of abducting a young girl. These stories follow characters who navigate death, violent desires, womanhood, and loss, both self-imposed and otherwise.

This is also so subject to change as I may pull and add stories to the collection!

I think I’m going to leave this update here for now! I’ve written TONS of poetry too, but I honestly ~hate my poetry right now lol, so! Hope you enjoyed this chill rambly update. Hope writing has going well for you all! All the best!

--Rachel

[satellitesoundwave]

why is welcome to the internet on your jazzwave fic playlist im so curious 👀

ha I'd actually forgotten it was in there :p it fits so well I just glance passed it when I do playlist editing

So this one falls into the 4th category of songs that relate to worldbuilding - it's on the playlist bc it's such a great encapsulation of how interactions facilitated by communication technologies can be (god if that isn't a wanky sentence tho. it's like you can hear my cybercrime textbook speaking through me)

Context: at the story's start the Decepticons are basically living in a city's ruins, rebuilding/repurposing as they need. So there's been plenty of close by chances for people to go exploring and find forgotten/wrecked but salvageable pre-war stuff, and of course Swindle's been sticking his nose into any and every find where the potential for profit could be a factor. Which is how, in the time before the story starts, Swindle got his hands on some servers and infrastructure for what used to be, basically, a dating website way back when. And Swindle was like hm. i'm sensing potential for ongoing income in the form of a subscription service. and so gotten it up and working again.

Completely accidentally it then became an absolute sensation, bc a) this is a social technology exclusively for leisure and recreation, which is something people either have never seen or haven't had access to in the longest time depending on how old they are, and b) actual, true anonymity is possible on here, and that hasn't been a real thing on communication channels maintained by authority figures in 'con command - the dating site that Swindle's jury-rigging his little entrepreneurial endeavour out of was one that put stock in good encryption and other quality securities (think like that dating site that was specifically for having affairs for why they were so motivated in this), and so far Soundwave hasn't been able to get around them. Everything that happens on this social network is just a black box to him. He wants unfettered access so bad, but of course Swindle's like 'and betray the confidences of my honest customers, i would never' and there's not much Soundwave's been able to do about it beyond be like >:(

And so of course this network's exploded into unfiltered fucking chaos. It's still has the structure of a dating site but people are doing their damnedest to have it to cater to every social media need they've had going unmet for thousands of years. There's a message board where people get together to bad mouth the command staff. People are making anonymous profiles so they can get Extremely Freaky and/or Extremely Vulnerable. At least one person is working hard to turn a small slice of it into the Cybertorian equivalent of wikipedia, and they've decided to start with incredibly dry articles about the production history and performance of approximately every gun ever made. They regularly pick fights with commenters on the talk pages. (New social connections are being forged where Soundwave can't see and keep track of them. The Autobots have been using it to communicate covertly. Jazz's enjoying the opportunity to flex his social engineering skills)

[borisbubbles]

25. PORTUGAL

Elisa - “Medo de sentir”

We’ve finally crossed over into the “I like this” territory :-) Let’s celebrate by booting another ballad ^_^

Song Analysis

This will be short and sweet though, since there isn’t much to say. “Medo de sentir” basically the Marie Myriam of its national final: It is a cromulent ballad that did nothing wrong and is solidly good, but not great in all the relevant areas (vocals, composition, staging). 

I mean,

Even so, Elisa gave me a few small nuggets that warmed me to her, serving DRAMAFACE in the FdC Semi

and LOOKS in the Finale: 

Peach puffy sleeves that rival Leonor Andrade’s legendary shoulder pads as a fashion statement <3 (honestly, this is pretty subdued for FdC fashion even? Hold on until I get talk about Felipe in the NF Corner) 

Honestly, you may wonder why I like this more than “Répondez-moi”, but I don’t really have a reason  - unless you’re willing to accept “Medo de sentir is underrated, is performed by a Weird Indie Girl and is from a criminally overlooked Eurovision country” as valid argumentations. Oh and while I only *very* mildly like Elisa, it is a decision I made myself, completely free of the social pressure I feel whenever Gjon, or heaven forbid, Roxen or Diodato, pop up. 

Furthermore, the fact that I still like Elisa even after she won her NF also speaks greatly in her favour. I’m not sure if you were aware of how good FdC was this year? Well, sit down because you are about to witness it!

NF Corner

Remember how old Eesti Laul’s neck was snapped and its corpse was urinated on by the shit Estonians? Remember how the quirky indie weirdo entries had to find a safe haven elsewhere in Europe? The Portugese hallmark traits of “Not Giving A Fuck”, “Doing Our Own Thing No Matter What” and “What Do You Mean This Isn’t A Vimeo Showreel?” allowed for Festival da Canção to absorb Eesti Laul’s broken spirit and channel it from every (Ley-La-)Ley-Line.

and since this is the first *GREAT* 2020 NF I am covering, I will do HONORABLE MENTIONS before I actually review my four choices :o

Dubio - “Ceguiera”: Hamburglar-looking goddess <3333

MEERA - “Copo de gin”: Pure EL-style EDM *and* it’s about drinking gin, needless to say this song is basically *my anthem*.  Jimmy P - “Abensonhado”: Rap rarely is my thing, let alone three minutes of it non-stop. Having said that, this is genuine and dramatic and Jimmy is flanked by a GOSPEL CHOIR (dressed in chasubles!!!) who support him in ENGLISH... I am not made of stone.  JJaZZ - “Agora”: Totally slept on this weird indie anthem, but then they showed up looking like this:

and yes, it was even funnier in motion (sadly gif’ing rights are reserved to the Elite 4 soz) Elisa Rodrigues - “Não voltes mais”: a jolly tropical ballad in a genre I recognize but cannot name (some sort of pimba fado jazz? Does this work?) and was incomprehensibly hated by the Portuguese? Will I ever understand how this country operates? Probably never. Kady - “Diz so”: another pimba fado jazz sort of thing? My friend André (who is from Brazil) tells me it’s actively parodying Brazillian counterculture and leftist stereotypes which is such a random quirk to put in a Portuguese music comp <3

And before we move on, I’ll chuck in a very speclal DISHONORABLE mention for our good friends Blasted Mechanism.😈 I actually forgot to do my jury duties for ESCUnited here, so I’ll just let James (the person with the best taste on our team, including yours truly) do it for me: 

Fucking *TRUTH*. “Rebellion’”s problem  has always been a lack of motherfucking balls. Sure, these middle-aged steampunkers attempt to implement a genre shift between indie rock and fucking ORCHESTRAL METAL/HIP HOP and make it so underwhelming and pathetic? People blame the live, and yes it was *bad* (forever cackling at “REBELGIUM” tho), but it was the studio that failed to deliver on the promises it made.  It always surprises me when people (Sean and Roy I AM coming for you) slam "Verona” for being a “fanwank” and then fall for a Rebellion which is basically a fanwank for heterosexual snobs. #ShotsFired. 

Now, as for the actual Boris faves, LET US START WITH A LIBERAL DOSE OF ASKEW CUBISM

Judas - “Cubismo Enviesado” 

VÊS OU N��O?  VÊS OU NÃO?  VÊS OU NÃO?  VÊS OU NÃO?  VÊS OU NÃO?   

VÊS OU NÃO?  VÊS OU NÃO?  VÊS OU NÃO?  VÊS OU NÃO?  VÊS OU NÃO?  

VÊS OU NÃO?  VÊS OU NÃO?  VÊS OU NÃO?  VÊS OU NÃO?  VÊS OU NÃO?   

VÊS OU NÃO?  VÊS OU NÃO?  VÊS OU NÃO?  VÊS OU NÃO?  VÊS OU NÃO?  

 WHAT A FUCKING SPANDEX CATASTROPHE. “Cubismo enviesado” is a horrible song, the choreography looks like it had been conjured up during a particularly drunk night of bedroom karaoke and Judas can’t hold a tune for the life of him. The lyrics don’t even make sense in Portuguese <33333 It is an art school project gone disastrously wrong. NEEDLESS TO SAY, I AM OBSESSED.😍

Filipe Sambado - “Gerbera Amarelo do Sul”

That look

The regal panache

Those... leather shorts?

IT IS SO QUEER I LOVES IT. As with Cubismo, I am fucking OBSESSED. However, unlike Cubismo, “Gerbera amarela do sul” is *legitimately* great, lol. In addition to having a KICK-ASS fado rhythm and the off-the-charts visual components (the jewellery! the hats! the throne! the hand choreography!), the lyrics are highly intelligent poetry geared at dismantling upper class snobism.😍 Rare to find an entry that kicks ass on SO MANY levels. Even harder to see it lose to Elisa Myriam - but I’m not sad it lost because, you know, it would have befallen the same fate as a “Telemóveis”. At least his existence makes the memory-holing of Achille Lauro’s ICONIC Virgin Queen Cosplay so much easier to stomach. 

Throes & The Shine - “Movimiento”

I mean, entries that open like THIS: 

are instantly iconic, ngl. The best FdC entries offer a great triple of great looks, unplugged stubborn artistry and fun quirky rhythmes. Throes + The Shine pass this with flying colours and I mean, THOSE sunglasses alone yank up the laugh-out-laugh factor to astronomical levels. add in a hilarious choreography, sound effects that seemingly imitate duck mating noises and three very attractive men (in 2020! the concept!) and it’s an instant fave right there. 

AND THEN MADE THEIR ENTRY EVEN BETTER BY ADDING MIDNIGHT GOLD/JOWST EFFECTS TO THEIR STAGING. 😍😍😍😍

MANCHAS DE LAMA NA SUA PELE  

HEROES. 😍😍😍

and of course, this wouldn’t be a 2020 NF without an obvious runaway fave losing at the last minute: 

Bárbara Tinoco - “Passe-partout”

SHE IS TINY <3333:

She’s like a human bonsai... or a personal attack chincilla.

Okay, so Portugal were *THIS close* to out-France’ing the French with this sassy Zazballad, served with a generous dollop of parisian accordion and stank reaction shots.

Yet another entry that shamelessly uses an attractive man as a boytoy prop <333 For a brief moment, Bàrbara and Tiago establish themselves as a pair of lovestruck La La Land idiots, gearing themselves towards the EPIC moment where she will dump him... and then this happens before the first chorus:

Barbara opens up a can of dancer carbs and it completely fucks up her no-bullshit keto diet. 

Those dancers man. They aren’t a *bad* addition in itself, but if your thing is “romance ballad but *plot twist* it’s actually an end of romance ballad get lost loser” do not burn the clou within the first minute of the performance to a group of dancers who don’t even dance *along with the beat of your song*. UGH.

(and also, more devastatingly, the reduce tiaGOD’s airtime how dare they grrr)

Fortunately though, I have learned to appreciate the wrecktitude of it all because it caused one of the funniest downfall narratives in recent ESC history. The Portuguese were, of course, foaming at the mouth with all the decisions Bárbara had made (not even for the points I raised, necessarily?) and Bárbara was having none of it. It went kinda like this

Juries: EWWW DANCERS AND CHOREOGRAPHY YOU ARE RAPING YOUR OWN SONG YOU PHILISTINE WHORE. Bárbara: 

Juries: WOW WHAT *ARROGANCE*!! YOU THINK YOU CAN WIN BUT BOY DO WE HAVE NEWS FOR YOU :-) 

and lo hand behold, the finale rolls on and Tinoco’s dancers are still there, and are even *MORE* present than they were in the semi (but also in sync with the beat) and Bárbara gets promptly jurydunked into third place. 😍 Even though she has the *ONLY* song in FdC that could have qualified in its semifinal. 😍  A woman who stands three apples tall trolling an entire nation and juries because she knew she had gold in her hands and then getting rigged out of the easiest nf victory out of pure SPITE 😍  WHAT AN ARC. 😍

Portugal 2020 vs Portugal 2021

Elisa probably would not have qualified. I’m not sure how popular of an opinion this is, but I prefer the semifinal performance of “Medo de sentir” and that wasn’t the staging they were going for. Not many people seemed to care either way, and that’s usually the death sentence for Portugal. 

Elisa won’t be back for 2021 or whenever Eurovision is rebooted. :sigh: Fuck you, Coronavirus. 

Freaky! Friday! Factor!

See: NF Corner:

Score: 4 Senhits out of 5. 

[citialiin]

FIVE SONGS

list five songs associated with your muse and its meaning to them as a character, or to you as the writer. this can be applied in-character or out-of-character. it can go as deep as looking at the song’s real-world origins or meaning along with the themes it carries to the muses’ story, values, or experiences, or as simple as if your muse would listen to this kind of music, or even if you just listen to these pieces for inspiration.

TAGGED BY: @dansiere​​, who did such a good detailed job they even included an “honorable mentions list” ? i am embarrassed to type mine out now TAGGING: @blossomingbeelzebug​​ @zhrets​​ @dirtyfilthysunshine​​ @prcphesise​​ @hyakiru​ @foxcharmed​

01. kaun komsott - ros sereysothea

this song actually lyrically has absolutely nothing to do with ziggy !!!!  kaun komsott /  កូនកំសត់ actually just means “poor/pitiful child” it’s just a khmer dub of a song from a taiwanese movie lol but i feel like this is the kind of music he would listen to that made him fall in love with, like ... humanity, as dumb as that sounds. it’s time period appropriate (late 60s/early to mid 70s), the song is really good and it’s SO emotional.  i could see him sitting in the apartment of his bandmates after being “found” and they teach him how to use the record player and he sits there going through each and every record they have and listening to this and its like the fucking scene in ratatootie where the goddamn rat can visualize tastes as colors but he would be so enamored with the song he would see it in colors or something i dunno.  something has definitely fucking happened to my brain because ever since nat and alex and i rewatched ratatootie we keep referencing it for our characters. anyways i ended up using an instrumental of kaun komsott in the final film i made as the song that plays during the end.  so this song just also means a lot to me because it’s part of how i made this character and the film/story i animated to go along with him, i am sure you are all absolutely sick of hearing me talk about it <3  

02. who can i be now - daveed booweyywywy now you found me, now can I be real?  can I be real? if it’s all a vast creation / putting on a face that’s new someone has to see / a role for him and me someone might as well be you

one of z’s most obvious character motifs is figuring out self identity through adopting different guises.  he markets himself as being so overly confident and almost arrogantly certain of himself -- rock god space idol whatever -- as his own way of learning who he thinks he might be underneath it all.  i think at first it started off a little innocuous, a ‘ fake it till u make it ’ thing at the least and maybe more obviously a ‘ im not a human so i have to pretend to be someone else ’ deal, but over time it became almost all consuming and just obliterated all his previously held sense of self in favor of some weirdly demented version of who he wanted to be.  683 starts off with the same core personality traits as ziggy: maybe he’s a little vain, a little selfish, but he’s very interested in creativity/self-expression and he wants to be thought of as a unique individual and appreciated for his differences.  but the difference is that 683 isnt an arrogant asshole who has no regard for other people in the slightest.  so yeah ... who can u be now ... is it worth it to adopt a different guise or should he go through the effort of figuring out what parts of his personality were corroded by human influence and what parts are genuinely him?  my big endgame thoughts for his story would be that he eventually just decides to retire from the public eye and fucks off entirely.  this would be over the course of a long long long time -- maybe he has a good 20 yr run in the industry -- but there are some things about him he has to deal with (mental health issues, drug addiction, also the fact that you’re a freaky alien creature who doesnt age like a human so you’re physically like 46 and you still look like you’re 25?) so he inevitably decides he doesnt need the horrible pressure of fame and he ought to just live his life for himself.  i think this would be a nice final song for him to sing/perform -- then he goes into the dressing room and cuts his hair and just vanishes. bye.

03. sunny afternoon - the kinks Help me, help me, help me sail away Well give me two good reasons why I oughta stay 'Cause I love to live so pleasantly Live this life of luxury Lazing on a sunny afternoon

1. i think this would sound A LITTLE like the kind of music he would write/play albeit i feel like his would be more exciting and have more samplings of like laser noises or pewpewpew or weird spaceship sounds BUT.  its also pretty time period appropriate.  even in “modern” verses ziggy is inexplicably obsessed with the 1970s, he likes bell bottoms and thinks groovy patterns are neat and he owns too many lava lamps.  anywayz. 2. just the general idea of feeling unfulfilled with luxury -- even if ziggy enjoys his fame and wealth and the absolutely insane amount of pussy/dick he gets at some level he is still cognizantly aware of how weirdly empty he feels.  he ditched atomina and came here because he felt unfulfilled and bored and unwanted.  now he feels wanted (clearly, everyone loves him) and he feels entertained (earth is So Good at fun distractions) but his fulfillment still isnt quite there.  he’s getting there -- but in exchange of being able to live this life of fame, he’s had to kind of change everything about himself and live this almost caricature version of himself, and he knows he cant keep it up forever.  the luxury will run out one day and he’ll be a washup and no one cares about celebrities once they stop being hip.  it is literally only a matter of time before ziggy has to find out who he is because no one can be a “rockstar” forever.

04. i hate jimmy page - mindless self indulgence SUCKAS CAN REACH OUT TOUCH ME EAT ME BITE DA FUTURE & FUCK DA PAST  I'm lower than most animals and fear what might be weird and all those voices in my head have every right to be there i ain't a girl just cause i rock the boat i ain't a boy just cause i rock your world

i mean he does hate jimmy page but that’s beside the point. its just a good song about being a crazy rockstar and has the same Craziness that i feel like accompanies his character ... just go listen to it you will understand. there is nothing to explain here.  even the lyric “ill show u how official midgets jack me off” like just accept it. it’s whatever  but yeah i aint a girl i aint a boy ... i guess his gender (or lack thereof) never really comes up in rp but its still an important part of his character.  if any of u guys ever call him a man in prose again ill kick ur ass.  gender is like an accessory to him and he just takes whatever aspects of masculinity/femininity he prefers and discards everything else.  to him he’s just as much a “man” or a “woman” as he is a “human” which is to say he isnt, at all, and he just pretends to be because he feels obligated to.  also ziggy’s brain kind of sounds like this...just Noises.  his brain sounds like a microwave that’s been going off for 26 years.  i think his brain is a single uncooked pinto bean rolled in glitter that’s been left in a box with a cobweb

05. ghostride - crumb daydreaming I stay in the backseat / the slow beat rocks me back to sleep keeps me on automatic  press my face up close against the glass i see the people when they pass they move so automatic you wake up when I go down / the radio reminds me I'm alive we've been hearing it all night

i care more about 683 on atomina than i do about ziggy on earth sometimes (BUT I CARE THEM BOTH. DO U?) so ... 683 feeling aimless and drifting but trying to find purpose through passion, a person, some sort of concrete meaning -- going through the motions of life makes him feel empty he spends almost every day going through the same toil while feeling guilty or like a burden and also feeling like he’s ultimately nothing more than a replaceable cog in a machine. his species had a near extinction = bottleneck which made them so genetically similar they’re almost clones of each other.  no one ever seems to do anything wrong except him, he finds no joy or fulfillment in anything at all.  all he ever wanted (which isnt a selfish desire at all) was to feel purpose, or feel wanted, or appreciated. inevitably he leaves because of his own imagination -- he yearns for something More, and he doesn’t know What, so he figured he ought to at least Try instead of waste his life away. also atomina is supposed to sound like “automatic.”  do NOT make fun of my bad scifi.  i am trying to mimic the way 1970s scifi is endearingly cheesy.  come here.  i just want to touch you with this knife.  gently tho it wont go inside of you. bro you are bleeding. bro we are bleeding and i keep putting the knife in your soft parts.

[general-cyno]

tagged by @myolniir thank you cari! and merry christmas/happy holidays 🎉💖

nickname: jay, joha, johnny

gender: transmasc (he/him pls)

star sign: aries

height: 1.57m which is like 5'2 i think? I'm tiny

bday: april 1st and honestly i'm grateful colombia doesn't celebrate april's fool lmao the holiday equivalent is on december actually

fave bands: fall out boy, panic! at the disco, florence + the machine, dorothy, royal blood, walk the moon, neon trees, of monsters and men, imagine dragons, paramore, welshly arms, ETC

fave solo artists: ngl this actually made me realize i don't listen much to solo artists lmao, the ones that come to mind are lady gaga, dua lipa, marina diamandis, zayde wolf, lola indigo, rina sawayama, pabllo vittar........and idk who else sjsksks

song stuck in my head: rn it's lonely in tokyo by mirei (surprisingly a good youtube ad recommendation)

last movie: freaky (2020), it was pretty funny

last show: i can't remember rn??????? but im currently watching the tian guan ci fu donghua and jujutsu kaisen anime

when was this blog made: digging through my emails, apparently it was made 7 years ago on july 18

what i post: literally anything lmao, mostly danmei, art, movies, shitposts and random tv shows as of late

last thing i googled: a local cinema bc im gonna go watch a movie with my friends today!

other blogs: @miqthythor which is my comic books sideblog, i used to make/post comic edits and stuff but don't use it that much anymore (or make edits for that matter)

do i get asks: sometimes! tho i think I've gotten more asks this year than in all the other years I've been here lmao

why i chose my url: i was sick of vl/d and i got very into rdr2 back then so. i have some 2ha urls saved so i'll likely change it soon tho

following: 291

followers: hit 2k recently which is still amazing to me. what are y'all doing here. love u guys

average hours of sleep: around 5-6 hours if insomnia doesn't hit

lucky number: 13

instruments: none, unfortunately

what i'm wearing: an old black justice league tshirt and some shorts

dream job: actually getting a job someday

dream trip: i'd like to travel around colombia bc there's a lot of places i don't know since my family doesn't travel much

fave food: PORK TAMALES, fried fish with patacones, RICE, pretty much any soup, chicken in any form basically, different fast foods, etc

nationality: colombian

fave song: so many sjsjsjsjs can't really choose one

last book: the black prince by ariana nash, it's part of the silk and steel book series

fave authors: don't really have favorites tbh (doesn't mean they aren't good writers btw) it's just that i read books at random mostly and only keep tabs on the author if i've read and loved more than 3 or 4 of their books (the only ones i can think of rn are some danmei authors), i do have a lot of favorite books tho

fave animals noises: cat purrs are so cute

random: i can do like 4 or 5 different pitched voices and all of them sound different sjsjsj i can also imitate accents

[henrikvanderswoon]

THE SILENT SPY: Live Reactions

Hello, lovely people! I just finished dinner and I have two whiteclaws and a jar of chocolate sitting next to me and I’m ready to cry about Nancy and Kate and make cookies for the rest of the night. 👀👀

Definitely making this a read-more because it’s gonna be long.

Okay, I’m at the menu screen and I just have to say, the music in this game is so good. The notes of one track are incorporated in others (though the tempos and length of each note are altered slightly) and it’s so satisfying to hear. I dont think that made a lot of sense but I’m not great with musical terms as sad as that is 😔

Kudos to the person who wrote all these Cathedral documents, tho. I fuckin LIVE for this kind of shit.

Kate’s song literally makes me cry every goddamn forsaken time I hear it and I just *clenches fist* when I tell y'all I teared up coming up with lullaby lyrics for it the other day IM SERIOUS (one day I’ll finish it and record it maybe… GOD).

The transition from the photograph of Kate in the station to Nancy actually being there is so great 😫👌🏻

Ewan ending his sentences in intonated “commas” really just 🙃😂

The fact that Cathedral “invites” Nancy to Scotland and then tells her Revenant actually lured her there… UGH, it’s like she has two fucking giant enemies at once using her for their own gain and I HATE ITTTT. But it does make the ending and the fact that she comes out victorious so much better.

I love how Bridget tells you to come outside and then walks in the opposite direction of the elevator… did she take the stairs? Good for her getting that exercise. Get on her level, Nancy.

Zoe does a much better job faking a Scotish accent than Dwayne did at his Jamaican one. Get on her level too, DWAYNE.

I know we all say this, but the attack really was so freaky and amazingly um… believable.

Reduce the masses, make the people easier to control. Make them reliant on the goods you can give them when they need it most. Fucking Christ. Which is REALLY crazy because my friend and I have been working on a book series that follows this exact theme and we started the idea even before this game came out. FUCK.

It’s been a project in the making for a LONG time, but we only have a few chapters left of the first book to write 👀

…….

ANYWAY.

The COOKIE GAME. I fucking love this game so much, I dont even know why. I know we’re timed for tips but it so relaxing! I once sat down and did them till I Nancy reached like 1000 pounds in one setting and I was still not satisfied xjdbjsnsjsnsks

So, um… I just realized the cookie game is not as easy to do when you’re tipsy.

Whoops.

That “eerie tone” our phone just MAGICALLY makes somehow never ceases to make me shit my pants.

Youd better believe Nancy is gonna buy at least one of every souvenir in this fuckin train station let me tell you. She’s just gonna put the t-shirts on one right after the other and clip on those pins until she’s a glorified Scottish Michelin Man. ✌🏻

“I’m gonna pretend this is for a wedding. Hehe… what else could it be for?” NANCY, IT COULD LITERALLY BE A TRAP THAT LEADS A PERSON TO THEIR UNTIMELY DEATH BUT OK

Alec talking about Moira hitting him and admitting he instigated it just a little bit…. goddammit Alec dont make me fall in love with you. You stop that, now.

Nancy and Carson’s back and forth in this thing really just gives me life.

They just had this big argument and then end the phone call like, “Goodbye 🙂” “Bye!”

I just realized I’ve been fucking around so long I havent even tried meeting Ewan. WHOOPS.

Nancy is also about to buy and eat everything there is, multiple times, at this food stand…. that is, she will after I play the cookie game again.

You mean to tell me, that I can make Nancy eat over 200pounds worth of food, and she DOESN’T GET SICK?? WHAT A LET DOWN. I’ve never felt so betrayed… now I gotta make more cookies cause I’m legit broke now. Thanks a lot, Nancy. 😒

The idea of little Nancy purposefully and gleefully smashing the tea cups fills me with so much unbridled joy and the photo of Kate kissing her baby makes me want to dig a hole in my backyard and climb in.

I’m about to take this record that plays the menu screen track for The Deadly Device and just sit here listening to it…. I have no idea why I love this track so much but I do.

This fuse puzzle is… uh… okay, I guess.

Oh my god I just realized I still haven’t met Ewan in person. I’ve been playing for almost two hours. *lies down*

You know what??? I think this is as good a time as any to uh… stop for the night cause I have some screenshots I want to make posts about too becxhdbsjsjjsjskaka UNTIL NEXT TIME.

[szopenhauer]

If money was no object, would you change your wardrobe? I would add to my wardrobe more than change

How do you/did you get to school? walk, then by bus

Have you ever been in trouble for something you honestly didn’t do? yep

Is the idea of having a secret admirer creepy or romantic? creepy

What was the last song you sung out loud? https://youtu.be/wycjnCCgUes

Were you excited to learn to drive, or scared? worried that I’ll waste my money

When was the last time you felt incredibly tired? today

In your opinion, who doesn’t deserve to be famous? many people

Was it hard for you to get up this morning? not really

When was the last time you colored with crayons or colored pencils? few months ago

Do you feel comfortable talking about your disorders, if you have them? depends

Where did you go on your last field trip? not sure which was last

Do you think you make a good first impression? no

Do other people’s first impressions stick with you? might

Have you ever had to give up on someone? sure

Would you rather break up with someone, or them break up with you? them break up with me (not my decision) but usually it’s the other way around

Do you think it’s okay to like a cover more than an original? umm...

Are you calm in emergency situations? depends

Who are you most attached to? my dad

What do you depend on other people for? money mostly :(

What goes through your mind when someone breaks up with you? depends

Do you match your shoes with your outfit? sometimes, it’s not that I have enough shoes to do that lol

Do you feel more comfortable with a male or female doctor/nurse? female 

What was the last thing you bragged about? not sure what was last

What’s the ugliest thing on your wall? umm...

Who’s your favorite philosopher? Schopenhauer because of all the memes

Do you think Freud was out of his mind? well I prefer Jung

Einstein? he was cool

Who’s your favorite painter/artist? I like many 

What day is it? Friday

Are you wearing anything blue?  nah

Do you know anyone named Graham? just bread :P

Are you sitting next to anyone? not currently

Do you dislike the last person you Facebook messaged? nope

Who’s the quietest of all your friends? K. always was 

Are you home alone right now? If so, where are the people you live with? my mom’s home, my dad is at work

Are you a chocoholic? noooo

Is there a song that reminds you of the person you love/like? Do you listen to that song often? one of them is t.a.t.u. - All the things she said

Do you listen to music while you fill out surveys? sometimes

In the past week, what song have you listened to the most often? not sure

While playing video games, do you prefer being first or second player? second 

How many people do you depend on? not many

How many people do you think depend on you? they could live without me

What is the worst color combination? brown and black?

Have you ever injured yourself walking around in the dark? yeah

What’s so scary about clowns, anyway? nothing to me and it’s annoying that they’re part of so many horrors

When was the last time you acted like someone you’re not? sigh...

How many hats do you own/wear? shitload

Do you ever receive comments on your weight? ppl are jealous of my weight so basically my illness :(

Is there anything that you do just to make other people happy? of course

What was the last thing that you wrote down [with a pen/pencil]? not sure what was last

Has anyone told you that you have a nice smile? my gf only

Are you uncomfortable with being photographed? yup

Do you like playing tic-tac-toe? I always win What about hangman? I played it couple of times Are you dangerously in love with someone? woah 

Are you cute or sexy? cute Is English your 1st language? it’s not Did you ever perform in front of your entire school? elementary - more than once Did your older sibling ever tell you freaky stories that you believed? one time she told me that school was flooded and there were fish and frogs and then I said that to my mom and she called me a liar and got mad even tho I explained to her it was my sister’s idea :(  Are you single and proud? you can be single and proud as well as be happy in a relationship too, I am in one now  Are you more happy when you’re with people or alone? 90% of time alone What do you think about guys shaving their legs? that’s their life Do you wear lipstick? nah Name something you lost or gave away that can never be replaced. I don’t wanna talk about it

What music album would be used for a movie about your life? soundtrack to my life would have to be a mix of songs from different bands/vocalists

Who was your first crush and what made them special? she was just adorable with her clumsiness and her perfect body and that face and voice and she was just a pretty cool friend to me and I wanted to take care of her so badly, she was the very first girl I ever had a crush on irl if not in general but she was hetero and she changed a lot (not in a good way in my opinion) Write about your first kiss. Was it everything you wished or hoped it would be? I... I never imagined my first kiss before it happened?...

Write about something you now know that you wish you knew earlier in life. How could this knowledge have helped you? blergh

Name one thing you feel brings out the good in people. there’s no such thing, it’s all about the person  If you invented a device that could fix one problem you are facing right now, would you use it? What problem would you like to solve? absolutely, my health issues Name something you found; what was it and where did you find it? I’ve found shitload of stuff but one thing was the most odd and that’s a taxidermy ferret shawl someone left on a bus stop - at first we thought with dad it must be alive but we came closer and realized someone lost their piece of cloth and we took it  Describe the longest amount of time you have ever been away from home. almost a month, I was in hospital Name a celebrity or famous person you wish would take you out on a date. - Have you ever seen a ghost? it seems, it was not just white but a little bluish, no legs and weird face - shaped like in a clay, mostly transparent, slightly glowing, it was in open doors of my room, I woke up with a weird feeling that someone’s watching me and I got really scared so I hidden under a blanket and didn’t look there again until morning, I was trying to convince myself it’s just a shirt that was hanged in the hall but mom said there wasn’t anything like that there at night, now I wish I could see that again hoping I would try to do something more brave about it, I kinda worry I was rude towards them whoever it was 

*btw my grandma said that after death some chemicals leave the body and fly like a fog through the cemetery if casket and grave aren’t blocking it too much Describe your note-taking style and habits. everywhere and usually not in line, can be even upside down, just random, different size, clue words etc. Do you believe that we are all here for a reason? What might the reason be? suffering to deserve heaven? Have you ever done something just to feel the danger, or to feel alive? I hurt myself today To see if I still feel I focus on the pain The only thing that's real What are all your thoughts on god? overthinking... What did you learn today?  for example - that explaining things to people make me realize more than just thinking about something What 5 traits do people first notice when they meet you for the first time? ask them Have you ever carved your name or initials into a tree or stone? poor tree :( In what ways have you traveled? car, bus, train, bike, even a little bit by ship What historical events happened the year you were born? nothing interesting

Do you watch really old tv shows or movies from the 1970’s or earlier? sure

What would you do if you saw a complete stranger dealing drugs in public? nothing If you don’t have to be up by a certain time, do you like to sleep in as late as possible? no longer than 11 am What are you wearing at the moment? Is it for any particular reason? pajama because it’s past midnight and I should be asleep but I have to finally finish this survey then dry my hair and drink some water first Are either one of your parents retired?  my mom is and my dad will be soon Do you buy a lot of DVD’s, or do you tend to just watch everything online for free? watch online, I have no money for buying movies that I’ll watch less than 3 times Does everyone in your household own their own computer? nope

Are you a good gift giver? I try my best and been told that I am despite not being rich 

Do you know what XOXO stands for? hugs and kisses

What’s the first person who comes to your mind when you hear the word blue? me

Have you seen any of the Harry Potter movies? first ones

Do you like your significate others siblings? I don’t know her brother

Have you ever recieved a singing birthday card? omg I loved those and I wish I got one :(

Do you remember who your kindergarten/pre-school teacher was? I liked her so much I’ve been sending her cards on holidays years after

Were you ever a girl scout or a boy scout? never

Do you own anything made of lace? hmm...

How many people do you share a name with? I don’t know anyone with my name

Imagine your dream home, does it have a fence around it? if it’s not an apartment then of course it does, highest possible and thick as I don’t want to see or be seen by my neighbors

Do you own any yellow shoes? yep

Can you type fast? very

In school were you bullied? I was

Are you sarcastic? yeah

Do you read the newspaper? nah

If you died today where do you think you’d go? hell :(

Have you ever been to therapy? few times, didn’t help

Do you use online dating? did

Did you miss alot of school? I was sick often

What was the last thing you got falsely accused of? not sure what was last

What was the last thing you ordered online? shirt, I’m waiting for the package now

Have you ever been kicked out of a store? no :o

Do you feel like you accomplished anything today? hmm...

What is/was your favorite teen magazine? trzynastka or however this shit was called

Would other people describe you as creative? I guess

What color are your slippers? grey and white

Are you haunted by memories of stupid things you’ve said and done? constantly

Did you like high school or college better? didn’t go to college

Who was your favorite Olsen twin? I didn’t have a favorite 

Do you ever listen to Celtic music? used to, with John

Do you know a lot of rich and spoiled and selfish people? had classmates like this and neighbors too

Do you enjoy mornings? rarely, not really

Have you ever feared going to jail or thought about what it would be like? thought

Did you know that the zodiac signs (the regular ones) are Greek? ok

Have you ever learned about Greek mythology in school? didn’t like it

Do you stay up late? as you can see

what do you hear right now? nothing

what is one thing in your life you feel truly guilty for? personal

have you ever been slapped in the face? I’ve been slapped without any reason, I was bullied

how about punched? hit with a ball only and my head was hit with a bottle too once

have you ever come up with a memorable quote yourself? I’ve been quoted 

what do you think about masturbation? personal

What color did you first ever dye your hair?: either red or black

What’s the color of the bath towel you use most often?: green

Ever eaten a piece of dog or cat food out of curiosity?: ewww, nooo

Can you name one song by Prince?: Purple rain for example

Would you rather paint or make pottery?: paint

Are you currently taking this survey before or after 9pm?: after, I started over 5 hours ago...

Is the sun shining bright outside right now?: it’s the middle of the night!

Would you rather watch a horror movie or a romantic comedy?: romantic comedy ^^”

[olivieraa]

I realised, I’ve never made a post about how I feel about yaoi, and I was sitting here thinking to myself, “do people think I’m a fujoshi?” and it had never come to mind before cause I always thought I wasn’t

You can learn about a lot of industries through feminism and gay rights and shit, but one thing you never really learn about is anything anime related other than “anime is bad and if you watch it you’re actively participating in misogyny”, which I have always gotten, but... don’t particularly agree with in my case cause I actively criticise anime while watching it.

I feel like its that whole, separating the art from the artist shit, where you can say that you like Michael Jackson’s songs for various reasons (grew up with them, the beat is catchy, connected to a memory, etc) but you won’t praise Michael Jackson as a person because you believe the accusations about him. Even then, while having MJ songs on my playlist, I tend to feel a bit iffy and skip them. But if they came on in a club, I’d dance.

Whereas I’m so disgusted by Chris Brown, and never liked any of his music BEFORE the incident with Rihanna, that when that Freaky Friday song comes on in a club, I generally head to the bathroom or go get a drink. And that’s happened a LOT cause damn was that song overplayed. Plus people just GOT OVER what he did.

Or even a big one - Walt Disney was apparently racist (I’ve never properly looked into this), but I love Disney movies. My friends associate Disney with me. I never praise Walt tho.

But yeah, I have seen feminists galore claim anime is bad but watch Game of Thrones and barely have a bad thing to say about it. 

So... to me, a fujoshi is someone who is pretty much always exclusively into yaoi, hates female characters, and fetishises real men/gay men.

I watch anime over real life tv because anime has a variety of plots. Very little stands out in the world of television. Believe me, anime can be repetitive af too. My fave animes tend to have a trend. They’re... on the unique side of things. Or they’re sports animes lol. From Durarara!! (an anime with no plot but a unique blend of characters and non-sexist writing), to Inuyasha (a feudal era/modern day story of love with action and was written by a woman), or HxH (an anime I believe was incredibly well written but I HAVE called out the sexism in the show being its severe lack of important female characters).

With yaoi, 90% of the yaois I’ve read where when I was a teenager, not a feminist, not on tumblr and not involved in fandom. I had just moved house to the middle of nowhere, had only GOTTEN INTO anime, and a few months later discovered yaoi and I was like “oh” and I just enjoyed everything I watched/read.

The other 10% was me in my 20′s, about 4-5 years later, with higher standards. Still only really learning the ways of feminism at that point.

So the me now - I don’t actively go in search of yaoi. I go in search of a good story. I’ve current;y been re-reading all those old yaoi’s to see what the fuck was I thinking lmao. But that has led me to finding new one’s with intriguing plots.

The thing is, yaois are easy to get through most of the time. Very little are long stories. Very few are still ongoing. If you wanna say yaoi animes/mangas are homosexual, normal animes/mangas are... heterosexual. Cause you KNOW 2 dudes aren’t gonna end up together in them, but there’s a chance a guy and a girl will. And yes, I have heterosexual mangas on my list too, but the problem is, they’re still going. So I haven’t been re-reading them, cause... I mean, don’t get me started on how many times I’ve read Tokyo Ghoul and catching up to the latest chapter, before another couple of years pass and I have to RE-READ the whole manga cause I’ve forgotten what happened. 

So yeah, I think yaoi is problematic. I think anime is problematic. I think television is problematic. But there’s good to all of them. I don’t think you HAVE to spend your days criticising things and not being able to enjoy them. I personally just wonder... how you can watch something and just enjoy it for what it is if it happens to be sexist or racist or homophobic. I cannot enjoy anything like that. 

I watched Breaking Bad, a show considered to be one of the greatest shows on earth, and I watched it from a normal pov like everyone else, but by gosh my feminism came out in me sometimes and by the end I was thinking, “Good show but...” and then a lot of things they could have done differently. 

But that’s just me.

[pennywise-chenle]

50 Questions Tag

Letsgetit✊🏼

1. What takes up too much of your time?

P: Watching kpop mvs, listening to kpop, watching kpop broadcasts, watching kpop interviews, watching kpop- yeah you get it

K: anything that isn’t productive tbh

2. What makes your day better?

P: If I get to eat dark chocolate🤤

K: nct 🤩 they’re such crackheads I love them (also when my friends hype me up)

3. What’s the best thing to happen to you today?

P: Pressed shuffle on my phone, the first song that came up was CLC’s No (it’s really good, highly recommend)

K: I ate two eggs

4. What fictional place would you like to go to?

P: Marvel or DC universe? But maybe just visit for like a week I don’t think I could handle a new super villain popping up every week

K: the Harry Potter verse,, wielding magic sounds pretty cool

5. Do you give good advice?

P: I think I do sometimes, but rarely do I ever actually listen to it

K: only when I’m knowledgeable about the topic/have experienced it before. Other than that no lol

6. Do you have a mental illness?

P: not one I am consciously aware of...

K: nope

7. Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis?

P: No, never

K: not that I remember.. I do however have a weird recollection of dreaming about bert and ernie from Sesame Street shuffling around my room when I was like 4 (lmao I just laid there in bed and watched them in the semi-darkness it was freaky)

8. What musician inspired you the most?

P: Oh god uh Sunmi because she is an artist in every sense of the word and Ateez’s Hongjoong because of his work ethic and dedication

K: this is going to sound weird but Johnny from nct. his confidence and perspective on life is something that I look up to and respect (also I feel like he’s pretty hardworking cause dam 9 years as a trainee)

9. Have you ever fallen in love?

P: with myself, love yourself babies you deserve it🥰😤✊🏼🌸

K: Me and wonhos man tiddies are in a very committed relationship rn

10. What’s your dream date?

P: Oh you know nice walk on a beach, watching movies cuddled up on a couch~

K: we’re def hitting the arcade, eating out at a nice restaurant, and if they’re also into art we could draw/paint together 🤩

11. What do others notice about you?

P: My hair and the way I look, I’ve been told (even by my own mother) that I look intimidating which I DONT GET

K: poeple comment on my deadpan humor 💪

12. What’s an annoying habit you have?

P: Procrastinating and then having to go to sleep later than I need to

K: turning off my alarm in the morning and oversleeping

13. Do you still talk to your first love?

P: Yeah- every morning in the mirror, late at night when the procrastination has become too much, etc

K: I’ve stopped playing otome games

14. How many exes do you have?

P: one

K: none 😎

15. How many songs are in your playlist?

P: I have one playlist and it currently has 416 songs in it

K: 716 (I also have only one playlist)

16. What instruments can you play?

P: I’m pretty good at playing the recorder

K: I used to play the flute and piano

17. What do you have the most picture of?

P: kpop memes :)

K: memes 😔

18. Where would you like to go before you die?

P: Greece, Australia, SoUtH KoReA

K: Japan, Maldives, Europe

19. What’s your Zodiac?

P: I’m living that Sagittarius life

K: Libra

20. Do you relate to it?

P: yes? But I’m also a cusp so I’ve been told that I have Scorpio qualities🦂

K: yeah but I’m not “social” I’m like the opposite of that

21. What is happiness to you?

P: We going✈️ deep hours -being content with where you are in the moment and being able to smile for any reason

K: unabashedly being yourself while doing things that you love

22. Are you going through anything right now?

P: I’m going through something new everyday, but recently it’s been questioning my future

K: aren’t we all tho,, that’s the essence of life

23. What’s the worst decision you ever made?

P: I can’t say it’s the worst but the most glaringly bad decision I’ve made is not taking history earlier cause now I have to take it during the summer🙃

K: not being assertive enough

24. What is your favorite store?

P: probably ulta💄

K: Hollister lol

25. What is your opinion of abortion?

P: Well that escalated quickly- to each their own, if that’s the choice you take you should be able to make it

K: if u can’t properly support the baby why subject it to that type of life?

26. Do you have a bucket list?

P: Travel the world I guess

K: id like to hone my artistic skills

27. Do you have a favorite album?

P: Hell yeah, Ateez’s Treasure: All to Zero and Zero to One album (Say My Name, Treasure, and HALA HALA are BOPS)

K: EXO’s EX’ACT album

28. What do you want for your birthday?

P: To be acknowledged😪, no but my birthday often falls on Thanksgiving so it’s like me vs. turkey day

K: a macbook

29. What are most people’s first impressions of you?

P: I kinda already talked about this but intimidating

K: extremely quiet 🦶 it’s the biggest thing about me that I wish I could change

30: What age do you seem according to people?

P: I don’t actually know, but I will always be 5 in my own eyes

K: yo I actually have no idea

31. Where do you keep your phone while you are sleeping?

P: Next to me charging which is probably dAnGeRoUs

K: across the room so I can attempt to get my ass out of bed when my phone alarm goes off (spoiler alert: it doesn’t work)

32. What word do you say the most?

P: My daily vernacular is just littered with “yeehaw” and “oh my god” and “hahah”

K: “dude” and “like”

33. What’s the oldest age you would date?

P: Probably 3 years older than me

K: depends but nothing extreme

34: Whats the youngest age you would date?

P: Anyone more than 1-2 years younger than me is a no-go

K: same answer as the last question

35: What job/career do most people say would suit you?

P: A psychologist

K: art-related career

36. What’s your favorite music genre?

P: kpop and alternative

K: R&B, hip hop, lofi, kpop

37. If you could live in any country in the world, where would it be?

P: I don’t actually know, I would need to do a comprehensive search of all my options

K: ^^^

38. What is your current favorite songs?

P: Say My Name by Ateez, Noir by Sunmi, Thrilla Killa by VAV, Victory Song by Stray Kids, Beautiful by Monsta X, and Yestoday by NCT U

K: Don’t Hang Up by Suran, Light by ATEEZ, Trauma by EXO, Home by BTS, V by Jay Park

39. How long have you had this blog for?

P: Since late November I think?

K: ^^^

40. What are you excited for?

P: I got tix to see Monsta X!!🤠

K: school ends soon 🤠 can’t wait for summer letsgetit

41. Are you a better talker or listener?

P: Neither, I’m just a mess all around

K: listener, but if I’m comfortable enough around the other person I become a lot more talkative

42. What is the last productive thing you did?

P: I ate breakfast

K: I petted my dog

43. What do you want for Christmas?

P: That’s too far in the future man, idk

K: a macbook

44. What class do you have the best grades in?

P: French and Anatomy

K: art (does that count?) and Physics

45. On a scale of 1-10, how are you feeling right now?

P: Like a 7, it’d be a 9 but I have some projects that I need to finish :(

K: 6 cause I have so much work that I need to finish

46. What can you see yourself doing in ten years?

P: Getting swol💪🏼😤

K: managing an empire of meme accounts

47. When did you get your first heartbreak?

P: We going ✈️sad hours- when someone very close to me passed away

K: I actually don’t know if I’ve ever had a proper heartbreak

48: What age do you want to get married?

P: I don’t plan on getting married I’m gonna live forever

K: it depends honestly

49. What career did you want as a child?

P: You know the usual- actress, singer

K: a doctor/ smth health-sci related

50. What do you crave right now?

P: A full 8 hours of sleep

K: more free time to watch my kpop boys

P: Wow that was a lot of self reflection

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