#also like getting better at figuring out what spices food needs when u taste it!! | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

blue-bird-kny · 4 years

Note

This is my first time requesting, sorry if it’s a bit unorganized. I’d like to request a soulmate AU in which you can taste whatever your soulmate is eating with Nemi. If possible, the reader is tired of tasting ohagis so they eat bitter melon to piss him off. This is on your choice to write but if you do, thank you so much!

This request was too cute to pass up so thank you and enjoy!~Amanda (Image creds to artist)

Warning: Language

( 1k+ words)

“Touches and Taste Buds”

Over the years, you’ve learned to hate the taste of red bean paste. It’s not because it isn’t delicious, because it most definitely is, but because your damn soulmate seemed to only enjoy that one flavor. At first, when you began tasting the same things as your soulmate, you thought it was so cool how you both shared the same taste buds. As time passed though, every time your mouth filled with the taste of red bean paste, you wanted to kill whoever was doing this to you.

They ate it at all times of day and it was infuriating. Even though they’ve ruined the sweet taste of Ohagi, you’ve always been very patient with them. However patients could only last so long and yours was beginning to wear thin. Sometimes you wondered if others had as much trouble with their soulmates, if they too had such a monotonous eater that drove them crazy.

“I swear once we meet, I’m going to make you eat every damn thing this world has to offer before you eat Ohagi again” you always vowed to yourself. Clearly your soulmate wasn’t aware that other food groups existed. It felt as though they rarely ate anything else

It’s been a very long, strenuous day of training with Gyomei. He’d taken you under his guidance in order to make you a better demon slayer, but he was one tough mentor. The demon slayer headquarters had a mess hall of sorts, a place where demon slayers who weren’t on call could come and eat freely. “I’m so hungry I could eat their kitchen clean” you rubbed your growling stomach as you filled your plate with the various foods they had spread out.

You decided to sit alone; you weren’t necessarily a social person as is, but especially now all you needed was a nice, warm meal. You raised the spoonful to your lips, mouth watering, “nothing could ruin this”.

You thought too quickly because just as the spoon reached your mouth, the familiar taste of Ohagi filled your taste buds. You dropped your food on your plate, gagging as the taste seemed to overwhelm your senses. “I’ve had enough! Just who do they think they are!” you bitterly thought as you gathered all your tools of torture and revenge.

You rubbed your hands together evilly as you decided on which food you’d eat first. In front of you neatly lay your means of revenge; a cup of vinegar, some bitter melon, and a spicy pepper you’d managed to find.

“Okay let's start small” you grabbed the cup of vinegar, bringing it up to your lips almost like it was a shot. You squirmed as its sour taste crawled over your skin and burned your throat. It was gross, you couldn't deny that, but if somewhere in this world your soulmate was tasting it too, it was worth it.

Next, you picked up a slice of the bitter melon. You griminced as you fiddled with the food; its crunchy outside contrasting its soft, water-like inside. “In the name of revenge” you thought as you bit the nasty food. You held onto the table for support as you swallowed, breathing deeply to compose yourself. There was some sort of commotion happening some tables behind you, but you ignored it, assuming it was some group of idiots messing around.

Finally you reached the spicy pepper. You were actually less nervous about this one because, unlike your soulmate, you ate a variety of food, especially spicy food. You placed the peppers tip between your teeth, chomping down on the vegetable. You marveled at the crunch it made as you chewed, the heat already beginning to spread over your tongue and lips, causing an almost numbing sensation.

“What the hell is wrong with that bitch?!” someone yelled behind you. You turned to find the wind Hashira, his cheeks red and his tongue hanging outside of his mouth. “What's his problem?” you thought as you watched the angry man throw a fit. Your mouth became dry as you noticed something on the floor; when Sanemi had stood up, he knocked his plate of food on the floor, balls of Ohangi scattered everywhere.

“Holy Shit, it's you” the words slipped from your mouth before you could even stop them. Sanemi noticed your blant starring and growled “The fuck you looking at!”. You stood on quivering legs, gently picking up your cup of water as you walked to the infuriated man. He was almost frightening like this, eyes crazed and fuming, not to mention he was taller than you.

“Here you go, this should help with the spice” you lifted the cup as an offering, almost as an apology. He snached it without a word, downing the whole thing in a few hard gulps. He slammed the now empty cup on the table, breaking it. All eyes fell on you two, him staring at you murderously and you staring right back at him defiantly. “I will fucking kill you all” he threatened the room, causing everyone to go back to their meals. “Hey!” you yelled as he pulled you by your collar outside where there were less people, “You’re coming with me” his voice was low and tense.

Outside he released you, staring down at you “You must be the idiot that did that to me so what the hell’s your problem?” he crossed his arms over his chest, fully expecting an answer. “Excuse me I’m not an idiot, I’m your soulmate. And what the hell is YOUR problem, always eating Ohagi. The taste alone makes me want to gag!” you retorted.

“You shit-head! You did all this just because I eat Ohagi? Unbelievable”

“You know what I’ve had a long day and you already ruined my dinner, I’m leaving” you didn’t want to deal with his bullshit tonight, so you left. “Fuck this!” he yelled and walked in the opposite direction. His ears were red and his heart was racing, but it wasn’t from the spicy pepper.

That night, Sanemi couldn’t sleep. Every ounce of him hated to admit it, but you did things to him. He wasn’t stupid; he knows what it means when someone causes your heart to beat quickly. It was different from when he was in battle, you didn’t cause his heart to beat like that, but instead you caused it to soar. Nobody has ever stood up to him like that, with such power and determination; it was hot.

The next day, you woke up staved. Leaving your room, you tried to get some food before there were too many people. Inside, you made your way to get food only to be stopped by a rough hand. “Excuse me-” you started as you saw Sanemi standing in front of you, it was too early for his bullshit. “Here” he rushed, shoving a plate of food in your face. Surprisingly it held all your favorites, “I remember tasting this so I figured that's what you ate” he muttered, his face was turned away from yours but you knew he was blushing. You smiled, gratefully accepting the plate “Thank You”.

“Whatever” he turned to leave but you stopped him, pulling lightly on his haori. “I can’t eat all this food by myself you know” you said, silently urging him to stay. He thought for a second, would it be so bad? He decided it wouldn’t and sat down at the nearest table, he gestured for you to sit “Well?”. You couldn’t help but laugh at his abrasiveness, in a way, it was cute. He grabbed a stem of grapes off your plate, popping them into his mouth one by one.

You two sat there talking for a while, the room empty and food long gone. Sanemi knew it was unlike himself to be so complacent and open with another person, but you made him feel comfortable and at ease; it was nice. “You know you’ve really ruined Ohagi for me” you commented, the two of you needed to get going, you both had jobs to do after all. “Well you do know how soulmates get rid of their taste bud connection, right? He smirked. Your breath was caught in your throat as he moved closer to you, his arm gripped your waist as he towered over you. “It happens when their tongues touch” he whispered teasingly. Warmth spreads over your cheeks and down your neck, your breathing sped up at this intimate position. Regaining your senses, you pushed his face away in embarrassment, “Sanemi you idiot!” you called walking away. Sanemi laughed as he knew you didn’t mean it. He also knew you two would meet again. After all, you hated the taste of Ohagi and he happened to have a strong craving for the both of you.

Main Masterlist

Idk why but the idea that there is a cafeteria in the demon slayers HQ is so funny to me, I had to include it. Anyways, I hope you all liked it, please read my other works if you did. Stay safe~Amanda

#kny x reader #kimetsu no yaiba #kny #demon slayer #demon slayer x reader #sanemi x reader #shinaguzawa sanemi #sanemi #kny sanemi #kny writing

308 notes · View notes

chaoticgabby · 5 years

Text

My Cheap & Relatively Healthy Grocery List for College Students

Context: I had been used to eating fast food so much because it was cheap that when I went to the doctors' they said I had high glucose content. That wasnt good. So I started eating healthier. Anyway let's skip the BS and get straight into it:

Ramen: the OG cheap food. I personally don't own ramen bc I dont like it that much, but if you want to save money this is the meal, at least add an egg or some veggies to make it healthier.

Frozen Veggies: anywhere from 50 cents to a dollar or two a bag. Can easily be kept in your freezer (if you have one) for months

Mac n' cheese: my all-time favorite. Of course, it might not be healthy for everyone to eat pasta all the time, but I do it anyway. Add some real cheese and spices for taste or chicken and veggies in it / on the side.

Other Pasta boxes (Pasta Roni, Velveeta, Hamburger Helper, etc.): basically as cheap or almost as cheap as Kraft macaroni, but maybe you arent a fan of mac n cheese.

Soup (Soup!!): Cambell's Tomato soup is often $1 a can. I like to eat mine with grilled cheese. Thats a whole ass meal. But of course you can get other soups just as cheap. Basically, any canned foods.

Canned foods & veggies: this one goes without saying. Although, the better options are sometimes $2 to $3 the same can be said for frozen veggies, but just heat these up and cook them in fried rice or just add butter and eat them aside a nice entré

Chunk light tuna: speaking of canned foods, canned tuna is soooo cheap and is a great option (if you even like tuna). Dont actually get the "pack tuna" for $1 a pack unless you want to keep it in your bag bc canned tuna is around 60 cents a can. Mix it with Miracle Whip (or mayo) and spread it over break for a good sammich.

Grilled cheese (or cheese toastie if you arent American I think??): similar to previous options, youre getting your cheese and your butter and your bread. Not as healthy as other options but way better than fast food calories.

Quesadillas: similar to grilled cheese, except spICY. My brother only eats these and he has no meal plan. I do it now too. Honestly, adding up tortillas, cheese dip, shredded cheese, & chicken is kind of costly but worth it. Also cooking chicken is annoying bc I dont have time for that. But. Yknow. A great option.

Pillsbury Crescents: a little costly, about $2+ per tube, but still fookin delicious. Also imma be real: actually havent checked the nutrition label to see if these are actually healthy. But these are sO useful. Make them by themselves for breakfast (with jam, eggs, or alone) or use the dough for other recipes. I use these with Manwich sauce, cheese, and ground beef for snacks :)

Manwiches: manwich sauce cans are $1 and although they have some sugar, its not nearly as bad as fast food. Just cook up some ground beef to go with it & maybe add cheese, sliced bread, or hamburger buns

PB&J: Another OG. I could never get tired of these. You just gotta make sure you have soft bread and the pb&j and youre good to go. Although..like.. some people apparently like theirs toasted or with different jams (I like strawberry).

Eggs!!!! : Just keep these in your fridge. Just do it. You never know when youre going to run out of food. Boiled? Scrambled? Fried? Soft boiled? With ramen? Omelet? In fried rice? Egg sandwich??? Eat them with bread, eat them with toast, eat them as a breakfast sandwich, scramble them with cheese, the list goes on. If you dont eat them often, get a smaller carton, but always have eggs! Also, for baking.

Rice, or fried rice: If you like rice, have been cooking rice for a long time, and can actually make it without burning, make sure you have rice. If you like rice but have never actually made it yourself, it takes trial and error in a pot. Or just invest in a rice cooker. Additionally, fried rice is not that difficult to learn & it fits the bill for healthy bc you can add unlimited veggies and meats. Im not here to educated you but the more ingredients, the better, is how i see it.

Fresh Food:

Fruit: I literally have "an apple a day" for breakfast. It's just good for you. Keep them in your fridge to keep them fresh. Keep one in your bag in case you get hungry. Bananas? Awesome! Use them in smoothies or a milkshake or eat them with your cereal or even with peanut butter. Possibilities are endless with fruit. Just make sure they dont spoil. Apples are OG bc they dont spoil as easily.

Vegetables: Make sure to only periodically get them so that they dont go to waste. Make some broccoli with butter & eat it alongside pasta. Or asparagus. Anything you want. Just make sure to have some with your meals sometimes. Greens are good. Additionally, carrots can get addicting if yoh eat them with ranch. The plus side is they are filling. If you have a tendency to want to munch on something: carrots.

Deli Meat / Sandwich Options: I personally dont make deli sandwiches because ham (as well as roast beef or turkey) can be expensive and then wanting to add lettuce and tomato to a sandwich sounds amazing but I'm scared they will spoil. Dont let me stop you though! Sandwiches are amazing.

Meat: you dont want to be cooking meat all the time bc it can get expensive, but the basics I always get are ground beef and chicken. I prefer "boneless skinless chicken thigh fillets" but you would need to cut off the fat. You could always get rotisserie if you arent feeling to for cooking. Also, if you're feeling expensive one week, salmon is just sooo good. I ate it with asparagus and seasoned with lemon. Delicious.

Snack / Dessert Options:

(I personally don't keep snacks or dessert in my home very often bc you dont want to binge eat. But here is what I have)

Peanut butter: classic, filling, can be potentially bad if you eat a shite ton

Nuts: peanuts, almonds, cashews, and especially pecans

Cookies: make your own, a lot of simple cookie recipes exist and it's a lot easier than you think. Baking essentials like flour, sugar, milk, and eggs are not that expensive to keep around in an apartment kitchen. Difficulties may be vanilla extract (the avg student doesnt have this lying around) a baking sheet, a big bowl, and possible a whisk. Store bought cookie dough isnt too bad either.

Box-cakes / box-brownies: simple and easy. Takes a few eggs sometimes and some oil, milk or water. The same goes for pancake mix. Honestly, I had an out-of-country roommate and he had never heard of boxed cake mix or brownie mix. They always made from scratch where he lived.

Low-calorie ice cream: okay ice cream can be pretty expensive and filled w/ added sugars. I used to eat this strawberry icecream sweetened with stevia and it was SO delicious, but I couldnt find that at my grocery store. Other options are "low-calorie" ice cream or "no added sugars" ice cream. I have one of these and the thing abt it is that its just the right amount of sugar to taste like ice cream and the neat thing is that you dont feel like binging it bc it doesnt have addicting added sugars.

Milkshakes / smoothies: this is a tough one bc me and most other students dont own a blender or juicer. I personally get my smoothies from a local smoothie place that only uses fresh fruit and then I ask not to add the natural sugars bc it is sweet enough with the fruit. Natural smoothies are delicious & I find that you can kind of make then if u freeze your fruits and blend w a fork. "Handmade" milkshakes are actually super easy w this method.

Yogurt: just...mmm.

"Healthy" snack food section, often called the gluten-free aisle: im not too experienced with this and im sure they have added sugars too but what I do know is I tried these gluten free oreos once and they were delicious

Fruits: I mentioned earlier but apples are great snacks

Veggies: also like I said earlier, carrots are great snacks. Not exactly a veggie but possibly potatoes for a meal or snack.

Granola Bars: for when youre too lazy to keep up with fruit and if fruit will spoil, granola bars (they healthy kind, not the chewy sugary kind) are so good to have in your pantry or keep in your backpack for a snack (and to keep you from on campus temptations). Also I used Nature Valley ones instead of cereal. They actually dissolve and are delicious with milk, since some cereals are so sugary.

Since my last college tips post got some notes I figured I'd keep writing these advice posts. For reference, I am hoping to become an RA next year at my college, so I'm not just speaking out of my ass. I generally have experience at college thus far and want to help students.

#Im American and Im not Vegan so sorry if this didnt help non americans and definitely not vegans :(#college tips #college advice #life hack #healthy living #food

58 notes · View notes

in-tua-deep · 5 years

Note

While genetically the Boy and Five are the same there has to be an aspect of nature vs nurture. So how do the two differ? Does the Boy want his own name and not simply a gender or does he want a name to symbolize becoming part of a family? Do the two of them react to situations differently? I love this AU so much and I need more!

(for more commission boy au/clone five au check out the previous posts on it one, two, three, four, five)

oh absolutely they’re as different as they are similar - even identical twins raised together are different people, after all! And that’s identical genes (like Five and Boy share) and similar upbringings ;3c

they’re both traumatized in very different ways (with overlapping similarities, like both of them don’t trust strangers/adults they don’t know as they’re both used to adults only wanting to use them/cause them pain)

Five is fucked up about the apocalypse. Fucked. Up. He still has minor meltdowns over what if the apocalypse happens today despite them having stopped it. Probability maps are scrawled across the walls in whatever was closest at hand when Five’s brain went into meltdown mode

The Boy doesn’t use math as a crutch like Five does (or as a way of keeping his mind busy, or as a self soothing habit, or anything else) because he wasn’t allowed to write on,, pretty much anything. He had to give verbal reports. After Five’s whole “hide my equations and plans from the commission by writing them in secret in a book” thing, they didn’t trust the Boy with any kind of planning materials. The only reason he knows how to write is because he pretty much taught himself, tracing letters with his fingers in the dust or on steam covered mirrors tbh

(his handwriting is. atrocious. borderline illegible. he really struggles writing with a pen or pencil but can fingerpaint letters/numbers just find. it’s a work in progress and on god five is going to get his little clone as fast as five himself is at writing shit on walls)

the Boy is still a little math prodigy but he’s only done enormous mental equations, which he is very good at!! but it’s definitely limited him (so he wasn’t capable of doing the complex time equations that Five figured out)

The Boy and Five present their nerves about new situations very differently - the Boy goes small and quiet and anxious whereas Five deals with it by going on the aggressive and yelling. This is because the Boy is way more afraid of punishment/rejection than Five is and is more unsure of his position in the family and his default is “obey, do what they say regardless of how you feel just power through it or face the consequences”.

Meanwhile Five’s default was ‘rebel, yell, bring attention to himself because if the spotlight was on him then it was off his siblings’ which is depressing in its own way. The Boy didn’t have siblings to protect, he was alone. Five himself probably wouldn’t have drawn attention to himself if there wasn’t anyone to protect, but there was and he did. He bristles like an offended cat and yells

(but tbh, Five doesn’t actually expect anyone to actually listen to him. both him and the boy learned a long, long time ago that their opinions didn’t matter to the adults, that they might as well not be saying anything at all. The Boy went quiet. Five got louder.)

The Boy is definitely more willing to embrace childish things than Five is, because Five feels he has to protect his reputation and prove that he isn’t a kid

and if there’s some residual trauma there of children vs. adults where Five is fairly convinced that status as an adult offers him some measure of protection against people like Reginald and the Handler, there’s always that. But Five is also probably more willing to be one of “the children” if that means the Boy isn’t alone as the only child because Five’s “protect” instincts overpower his “self preservation” instincts tbh

the Boy is really enthusiastic about things when he thinks he allowed to be (so basically when he’s around Five bc he sees Five as an ally - though he’s getting better around the other siblings without five as a buffer)

his favorite movie is lilo and stitch no you can’t change my mind. it’s the movie he plays constantly as a comfort thing that he never gets tried of. If this was in the era of VHS he would have worn out the tape. Why??? because the boy points at the screen and is like “!! i’m an experiment as well!” and then watches this little blue alien find a family for himself and he’s like “it me!”

…does that make Five the Lilo in this?? possibly. Allison says that it’s more like the Boy is Lilo and Five is Stitch considering Five is the chaos gremlin between the two of them but whatever

(“This is my family. I found it, all by myself. It’s little, and broken, but still good. Yeah, still good.”)

I keep wanting to say the Boy is more skittish than Five but that’s?? not quite true? they’re both skittish and don’t trust easily and cling to the idea of family but in different ways idk like the end goal is the same but they take very different paths to it u know what i mean?

i think the Boy probably does eventually get a different name. Maybe not a name-name since the Boy’s idea of what a name is?? is kind of skewed? like his fav character is Stitch and his brother is Five and he was raised by someone names the Handler like this kid was never gonna have a normal name let’s be real

honestly he probably ends up stuck with something like. Kiddo. Because i HIGHLY doubt the family actually calls him ‘boy’ and in absence of an actual name to call him by end up with nicknames and to differentiate him from Five “Old Man” Hargreeves they probably call him kid and kiddo

i’m thinking about differences and similarities between them again hmm

Five is definitely more assertive?? Five can read the Boy really well (and vice versa) and tends to act as the Boy’s spokesperson when the Boy isn’t comfortable or something. Usually it’s just Five cutting in abruptly like “back off idiot he wants a ham and cheese sandwich not whatever the fuck that is”

the Boy is more likely to approach an issue with violence whereas Five tends to swear and yell and threaten as a first step. Where’s that one meme?? the Boy is “stabs without warning” and Five is “warns (loudly) before stabbing”

the Boy is arguably more deadly than Five since he’s been trained in assassination since basically infancy where Five was taught to be a hero which are arguably very different skillsets (the Boy was never taught about minimizing casualties or saving anyone rip) BUT Five is more experienced and has arguably more creativity than the Boy.

Five is a lot more playful in his fighting because he was because when he was little, fighting was playing. That’s how Five and the other umbrella academy kids bonded - by beating the tar out of one another and outdoing each other. They showed off for each other. The Boy is more straight forward because to him, fighting is a job to get over with as soon as possible

ironically it’s five who has to teach the boy to play, and not the other way around. Jump Tag is a favorite between the two where they just zoom through the house trying to catch each other - Five is a lot better at jumping than the Boy since the Boy wasn’t permitted outside of missions and training, but he’s catching up quick (after all, Five did take a brief 45 year hiatus because his powers burned too many calories in the apocalypse, but it’s a bit like riding a bike in that he never forgot)

even so Five is NOT the person to teach others to play because his childhood was messed up as all fuck

so it’s probably claire that really teaches them how to play

Claire is a well adjusted kid whose confidence, unlike Five’s, is not faked. She has adults she knows, loves, and relies upon. She has healthy relationships with peers. She goes to public school and knows and is friendly with a lot of different people.

So this like, 8-year-old walks in and meets her two skittish emotionally immature uncles (cousin? depends on if they consider the boy to be five’s brother or son) who don’t know fuck all about anything and is like “ah yes. i am your big sister now. i am in charge here.”

and while Five at least rails against the “big sister” charge, neither of them really protest Claire taking charge?? they’re both very willing to follow along behind her tbh neither of them are leadership material and they both know it. they’re probably both very protective of her

if claire is ever bullied god help whoever chose to pick on her bc Five is absolutely willing to maul a middleschooler and the Boy would be right behind him

well i mean. Five is a follower but he’s a little bitch about it, you know? like he’s willing to go with whatever but also if it’s a dumb idea then fuck you. So he’s confrontational with his siblings but if they were ever like “okay then five you take charge” he would be like “oh no. nuh uh. i’m not taking responsibility over all you idiots my blood pressure would go through the ROOF.”

Five loudly declares that Claire is way more sensible and sane than any of the rest of his family so she’s the only one he’ll take real orders from.

(and then Grace walks in and Five will absolutely listen to her as well and not just because the Boy is lowkey scared of Grace and Five is trying to set a good example - as much as he’s capable of setting a good example)

i feel like i’ve talked about their different issues with food, where Five hoards, is food aggressive, and will eat everything whereas the Boy is used to bland nutrition bars and sludge with everything he needs for the day so his issues are more him not knowing what the fuck anything is, being iffy about any strong tasting foods/spices, struggling with eating outside of allotted food times/getting his own food

there’s a whole post about their differences in nightmares/how they deal with those floating out there somewhere

their fashion sense definitely differs in their own ways? The Boy accepts anything he’s given with no questions and has no style of his own where Five tends towards what Klaus calls “hobo chic” in that he discards clothes he deems not useful to survival. You won’t catch Five in ripped jeans or tight pants that restrict mobility (though admittedly tight restrictive clothing would make the Boy uncomfortable as well but he’ll wear what he’s given with no questions)

both boys struggle with capitalism in that there’s Way Too Many Options for things that are dumb. It’s really overwhelming for them both when they’re sent to the store for like, toothpaste and have to enter an aisle with a bajillion different options for one (1) whole thing

OH the Boy doesn’t shoplift. Five frequently shoplifts because his idea of possessions are “it’s in my hand or in my claimed space/room/etc. it’s mine” regardless of the passage of money whereas the Boy’s idea of possessions is “nothing belongs to me ever” and they’re still working on both of those things

they’re both kind of wary around animals because neither are used to them or know what to expect from them. Mr. Pennycrumb is a therapy dog and no one can convince me otherwise and both boys are instantly smitten with him (but they’re still kind of iffy around like. big dogs that bark. or horses. fuck horses they’re scary motherfuckers.)

the Boy doesn’t like bugs very much after living in the very sterile Commission science rooms but Five will literally pop a wolf spider in his mouth for a snack so yEAH they both have. very different perspectives on that. The Boy is absolutely horrified and the first time he witnesses this hides behind Klaus for half a day because what the FUCK FIVE while Five is unapologetic

they protect each other and support each other and figure things out together bless

it’s secretly a very wholesome au behind the horror of the commission cloning five and training a small child to be a murder machine

#Ask Me #anonymous #the commission boy au #tua au #tua #the umbrella academy #far tua long #long post #five hargreeves #number five #klaus hargreeves #they're similar in some ways #wildly different in others #it's a journey lmao #claire hargreeves #tua claire #claire is the boss and the boys respect that

138 notes · View notes

motheatenscarf · 6 years

Text

I didn’t get to answer all of the Tallia and Theron questions I wanted to so I’m gonna cheat and just answer them here BECAUSE I WANT TO. I never talk about them but they’re cute and I love the disaster bi masquerading as functional dating the functional ace desperately trying to keep up a distinguished facade.

1. Who is the most affectionate?

I think they each are, in their own way? I mean, like.... everything I’ve described before this and after is them being affectionate in their own way? I don’t really know what else to say about it unprompted. I guess if you’re talking classical physical PDA, maybe Tallia? If your’e talking taking care of the other one and looking after them and cheering them up and trying to make them feel good or better, then... both of them?

3. Most common argument?

The endless argument on how many pets are considered to be too many and whether or not they should just retire and open a zoo

Arguing which animals could stay with them and which had to go to the zoo they opened and how big does an animal have to be before we legally have to stop calling it a pet

“A KELL DRAGON IS NOT A PET.”

“YES SHE IS BECAUSE I LOVE HER.”

The struggle of earning rights for Warbles, mainly the right for him and his swarm of babies to sleep on the bed

The inevitable and spirited debate of how MANY lizards could sleep on the bed with them at any given point

“SEVEN LIZARDS IS TOO MANY LIZARDS TO LET SLEEP ON THE BED AT ONCE.”

“BUT THEY’LL GET COLD AND LONELY IF WE LEAVE SOME OF THEM OFF :((( “

T H E H A I R C U T

4. Favorite non-sexual activity?

They really don’t share any hobbies but MAN do they just.... shoot the shit a lot. Tallia will be dropping stitches in her latest attempt to learn space knitting, Theron will be scamming people in online pazaak out of boredom and they’ll both be talking to each other about “When and why do you think it became evolutionary advantageous for monkey lizards to laugh like that and is it immoral to Just Kill Them All??”

5. Who is most likely to carry the other?

Tallia’s not very big but she can literally toss him around with her mind and also has a lot of core/back/thigh strength so she can and probably does carry him just for funzees. Theron can carry her, probably, he just tends not to because I don’t think Tallia would appreciate being manhandled. Unless of course Tallia got herself stabbed again (she gets stabbed a lot.... marauder problems, I guess) which is more just her leaning her weight on him than actually carrying. He probably wouldn’t have to carry her unless she was knocked the fuck out... which does tend to happen. And Tallia would of course carry him if he got injured.... shit which also happens a lot. God, this is why dps shouldn’t marry other dps. This is basically them:

7. What’s the first thing that changes when they realize they have feelings for the other?

Other than getting bummed the fuck out (Tallia) and probably having a mild panic attack (Theron) they definitely get a lot less guarded with one another. They’ve both got kind of a lot of layers to them so it wasn’t like, complete vulnerability right off the bat but Tallia let Theron start seeing the more compassionate side of her, Theron let Tallia see some of the more uncertain side of him.

8. Nicknames? & if so, how did they originate?

They’re not big on nicknames, and since Tallia is a nickname for Eschatallia, technically, that’s all they really have. Theron tried to call her “Esch” exactly one time just to see if it could be their thing but the horrified look she gave him while just slowly shaking her head ‘No,’ was all he needed to know that it was A Bad One. Tallia found out about “Technoplague” after Theron hears she also had a run-in with the Shroud and uses it when she wants to win an argument, aka, this is how we wound up with seven lizards asleep on the bed with them.

10. Who remembers what the other one always orders at a restaurant?

They don’t get to go out that often but if it’s just something from the cantina, Tallia remembers what Theron orders because he’s a bit more a creature of habit and has kind of bland taste buds (modest Jedi upbringing, remember?) but Tallia usually tries to order something different every time unless there’s something she’s just absolutely craving (Vette opened her eyes to MANY new cultures of food from her transient years). So Theron can thankfully usually just point at something he’s pretty sure Tallia’s never had or whatever special they have that week from a new shipment and she’ll be happy with it, he knows she likes savory stuff with lots of spices.

11. Who tops?

Honestly I think they’re both switches? Tallia’s more dom/top leaning and Theron more sub/bottom but it’s not strict, it’s more circumstantial/depending on who’s feeling what that day.

12. Who initiates kisses?

Depends, tbh? It’s probably 50/50?

13. Who reaches for the other’s hand first?

Theron. Tallia’s more a “cuddler” in the sense that cats understand the term with like, “I’m just gonna lean my entire body weight on you for a while, if you wanna wrap an arm around me that’s cool but mostly I just wanna be a pancake and you can be the grill.” Theron’s definitely a “hold hands under the table” kind of PDA fan though.

14. Who kisses the hardest?

Tallia, definitely. Sith. Passion. It’s a thing.

19. Who tells their family/friends about their relationship first?

Friends goes to Tallia, Vette immediately knew because she Knows Tallia and can read her like a book and oh man of course Tallia had a crush on the ENEMY SPY, she’s combined her worst habits, terrible taste in dates and a death wish! Then Jaesa found out approximately 5 minutes later when Vette went running to her to tell her about it.

Family unfortunately went to Theron who eventually had to tell Jace about Tallia (like.... 4 years after the fact, but he told him all the same) when he went to go help start up the Alliance. It... did not go over well. I don’t think Satele ever heard from Theron herself that he and Tallia were a thing but probably figured it out because force sensitive, same as Echidna whom Tallia also never told.

Man, these guys are bad at actually telling their family/friends anything... they probably haven’t even announced their engagement? Does anyone actually know for sure that Theron is Rowan’s father or do they just think the Commander must really trust him to let him walk around with her child in a papoose like that all day?

God when they do get married they’re gonna invite like maybe 3 people, hand out earplugs, and exchange their vows by handing them over on paper for the other to read and then instructing them to eat the paper once it’s been read so no one will ever know except them.

21. Who is more likely to start dancing with the other?

Oh, Tallia, for sure. For Theron to dance of his own volition, he needs to already be too drunk to dance and it usually ends poorly. They don’t really dance that often because Tallia doesn’t want to make him uncomfortable but she can goad him into it sometimes.

22. Who cooks more/who is better at cooking?

Uhhh, the droid.

...

I’m not kidding.

Theron “Caf is a meal” Shan and Eschatallia “Just Put The Heat On Maximum So It Cooks Faster” Soranus are terrible cooks and should not be allowed to OWN a kitchen, much less set foot in one.

24. Who whispers inappropriate things in the other’s ear during inappropriate times?

Mostly Tallia probably? They’re not TERRIBLE about this because they are fairly private people and both take their jobs pretty seriously but I can see either of them watching and waiting until no one’s paying attention to lean over to the other one to whisper sexy nothings. If they’re just out at some function neither of them wants to be at, tho, you can guarantee this happens. You know the party crashing chapter on Zakuul? Yeah, Tallia kept forgetting that Lana was patched into their comms. She paid for a vacation for Lana after that mission.

25. Who needs more assurance?

Both of them, god. Look at their fucked up families and all the emotional neglect and outright abuse inflicted on them as wee lil nubbins that permanently scarred their psyches.

Tallia’s got a multi-layered personality, the outermost layer being the “I Am Your Nightmare, Grr” facade, the layer under that being “Oh no, I’m soft, please be nice to me,” and the layer under THAT which is “I’m feral and scared and full of hate.” So she’s worried that Theron fell for Personality Layer number 2 and will one day realize how pervasive and overbearing the deep layer 3 personality is and will be disgusted after realizing she’s a living horror of the dark side and he can’t love that because how could he? No one could.

Theron, however, is an amalgamation of abandonment issues wearing the skin of a man and is worried that something will go wrong, someday Tallia’s gonna realize he’s not that interesting, or funny, or kind, or something, anything. She’ll find him lacking, he won’t be enough somewhere in someway that she’ll realize she doesn’t need him at all and will cast him aside because everyone else has, why not her?

28. What do they do when they’re away from each other?

Well both of them have a criminal twi’lek bff so they can hang out with them and get into trouble, Theron’s always got a huge backlog of work he should be doing, Aerasuni likes to visit them both and hang out (she spars with Tallia and has tea and pleasant conversation LIKE A NORMAL PERSON with Theron), Jaesa’s back now and she’s trying to help Tallia figure out why she’s so bad at knitting, Koth is deeply worried about both of their eating habbits and keeps dragging one of them off to lunch without warning, Warbles always needs to go on walkies, Pargal drops by and likes to hand Theron his ass on a dejarik board, and now there’s like, A BABY who needs to be taken care of and nurtured so they’re not lacking for things to do out of necessity or for fun when the other’s busy. They’ve got surprisingly healthy social lives.

29. one headcanon about this OTP that breaks your heart

Cross-faction ANGST and their deepest insecurities making it take so fucking long for them to just be honest and open with each other despite their emotional investment in one another being obvious.

30. one headcanon about this OTP that mends it

They’re both desperately lonely people who come from deeply fucked up families/upbringings and have been forsaken by the people who were supposed to look out for them but they found each other and made their own dumb little family with all of their friends and now their surprisingly well adjusted child and it was hard but their earned their happy ending goddamit.

#Caitlin Plays SWTOR #Eschatallia Soranus #Tallia 'n Theron

12 notes · View notes

h-styles-babes · 7 years

Text

No Control | Chapter Eight

Summary:

Micky Bennett: college student, loyal friend, aspiring nurse, One Direction fan, Harry Styles enthusiast. Her best friend, Trevor, wins tickets to a show in New Jersey with meet and greet passes. Micky expects a quick photo op with the boys and a great night at the concert with her best friend. What she gets a whole lot more than she bargained for.

*Please feel free to reblog and send feedback. It’s much appreciated :)*

To read previous chapters, you can go here.

*Gif is not mine.*

EIGHT

Trevor comes back to the condo just after six, bearing the gift of Thai takeout. Not knowing what Harry likes, he just picked up two orders of curry and two orders of chicken pad thai for us all to share. Harry gets excited over the curry like a kid in a candy shop, claiming it’s his favourite, which is just as well. We sit around the dining table with the TV on in the background, Trevor telling us about his day.

“You didn’t sleep with him?” I ask in slight shock. Not that Trevor is a slag or anything, but he’s only ever had hookups with this Chris guy and has never shown interest in it being anything but sex.

“No. We went to Times Square and window shopped, which turned into me actually shopping. And we went to lunch and actually talked and had a good time. Then we went to Central Park and walked and talked more. I found out that he’s actually really funny and he’s a pretty good guy.” Trev seems a little surprised by the turn of events of his afternoon, too, which is pretty funny to watch.

“All the times you hooked up with this guy, and you never had a real conversation with him?” Harry asks, a little astounded. Like the notion of not at least knowing a little bit about your sexual partner is a foreign concept to him. Maybe it is.

Trev shakes his head. “I met this guy at a frat party the second week of the school year. I thought he was straight, since he was hanging out with all his frat brothers, making lewd comments about girls there. Came onto me later that night by kissing me and pushing me into his room. It never went beyond booty calls for us. I just assumed he was closeted gay or bi.”

“You should know better than to assume, Trev,” I point out. People assume he’s straight all the time, which makes for awkward situations for the girls who try to come on to him.

He rolls his eyes and clicks his chopsticks at me. “Yeah, yeah, I know, mother.”

“So are you gonna see him again, beyond a hookup?” Harry asks, mixing more of his curry with the white rice on his plate.

“We agreed to go out next weekend,” he admits, his cheeks tinging slightly pink. I smirk at him as he pushes his glasses up the bridge of his nose to try to hide it.

“Aw, Trevor has a crush!” I gush, genuinely excited. I’ve only ever seen Trevor actually interested in someone else once in our whole friendship, and the guy was very much straight. “Chris is really cute, too. Good job on that one.” I nod appreciatively at his selection. He has that typical frat boy look going, with the light brown hair, baby blue eyes, and snapbacks, but his broad shoulders, pretty smile, and constant scruff more than make up for it.

“Thank you, thank you.” He pretends to take a bow at the table.

Harry’s phone rings from his jeans pocket, interrupting our conversation. He sighs when he sees the name, but promptly answers it. He’s mostly quiet during the call, except for the occasional affirmation or hum. When he hangs up he sighs again.

“That was Paul. Lads wanna go out tonight.”

“And you don’t want to go with them?” I ask, slightly surprised. Harry seems like the type of guy that likes to take opportunities as they’re presented. A night out in NYC or even Jersey seems like something a twenty-one year old guy would jump at. Though, Harry isn’t a normal twenty-one year old guy.

“It’s not that. They’re all going out, so that means Paul needs to be there, which means I have to go.” He takes the last few bites of his food before moving to take it into the kitchen.

“Leave it, I’ve got it,” I assure, placing a hand on his arm to stop him. I’m sad that he’s got to go, considering how amazing the day has been. I’m also not sure that I’ll ever actually see him again, considering the two different worlds we come from. It’s bitter sweet, having had such an amazing day with this man who was little more than fantasy in my head for years. He’s so much more than I could ever had imagined, and I’m so hesitant to give that up. “C’mon, I’ll walk you out.”

Harry grabs onto my hand and presses a sweet kiss to my knuckles, lingering there for a few moments before letting me pull him up with me.

“It was good meeting you, Trevor,” he says, flashing my friend a smile. “I hope your date with Chris goes well.”

Trevor grins and nods. “It was nice meeting you too, Styles. And thanks. I’ll Tweet at you and let you know how it goes.” He winks at Harry, which makes me giggle.

Harry chuckles and nods. “I’m looking forward to it. On the edge of my seat.”

“Later, loser,” Trevor calls as I pull Harry out the door. Harry chuckles as he wraps his hands around my hips, pulling me to his chest.

“I like him,” Harry nods decisively.

“Me, too. That’s why I’ve kept him around so long. Plus, he’s loaded. Who doesn’t want a rich best friend?” I say sarcastically.

Harry’s smile is wide before it softens as he looks over my face. “I’m gonna try to make it back out here tomorrow. We don’t leave for Ohio until the day after. You’ll be around?”

I nod. “I’ll be here,” I assure.

Harry reaches into his back pocket and hands me his phone. “Give me your number so I can get ahold of you.”

I bite my lip and put my number in his contacts list. When I look up to hand it back, Harry’s hand is out in front of me, palm up, one of his rings in the center. It’s black and silver in a braided pattern.

“Yes, Harry?” I ask.

“Just in case I don’t see you again while I’m in America. I want you to have something to remember me by.” He seems a little shy, a light pink tinge spreading across his cheeks.

“Harry, I could never forget you. Besides the whole ‘A list celebrity’ thing, you’re a pretty unforgettable person.”

He bites his bottom lip as he grabs my left hand and slips the ring onto my thumb, the only one of my fingers that it’ll fit. It’s still warm from his skin.

“Still, I want you to have it.” I hear his phone ding in my hand, and we both look down to see there’s a new text from Paul, most likely urging Harry to get back to the car. Harry takes it from me and puts it back in his pocket. “I will try my best to be here tomorrow.”

He reaches up and cradles my head in his hands, his thumbs softly stroking the apples of my cheeks. I wrap my hands around his wrists just to feel his skin on mine. Harry leans in and very tenderly presses our lips together in a slow kiss. I can taste the spice of the curry on his lips, but there’s also his natural taste lingering underneath. It’s intoxicating in the best way possible, making my lips tingle and my heart rate to accelerate.

When he pulls back, I feel his breath puff against my face. I open my eyes to him licking his lips.

“I have to go,” he whispers. He tucks a piece of my hair behind my ear.

I rub my lips together and nod. “I know. Have a good night with the others.”

He smirks and shakes his head. “I’ll text you. I still have more to learn about you.”

True to his word, only half an hour after I watch him walk out of the building, my phone buzzes with a message from an unknown number.

Lads want to go clubbing. Don’t make me go!! Don’t pretend you’re not going to love it. Go get pissed and dance with pretty girls. But ur not with me. Ur the only pretty girl I wanna dance with. Ur full of it, Styles. Actually, I think u were full of it earlier ;) I was…I already miss u inside me :( Fuck, don’t do this right now. Don’t make me hard in public, pet. U started it! Well, now I’m ending it. No dirty talk tonight. But I thought daddy liked dirty talk. Micky… Yes, sir? Don’t make daddy have to tell you again. I’m sorry, daddy.

There’s a lull in the conversation like there hadn’t been before. I figure that he’s probably getting to a club and chatting with his bandmates, so I shrug and set my phone on the armrest beside me. Trevor and I are watching an episode of Jeopardy on the couch, so I pay a little more attention to the game. It’s the beginning of Final Jeopardy when I get a text back.

Ooh, ‘daddy’, eh? Never realized H was so kinky.

My heart seizes a little at the message, realizing one of his bandmates got ahold of his phone. I don’t know how much the other boys know about Harry’s sex life, but they just learned a whole lot more about it, now. From what little I know about them, I know this information isn’t going to be kept to just whoever is texting me from Harry’s phone.

Oh dear. Who is this? Niall. Who is this? The name Micky is familiar. Wait…ur the bird from m&g yesterday. Oh shit. H scored last night. Holy shit. H GOT LAID THERE’S A GOD JESUS Niall, give the phone back to H pls. He’s in the loo. And we’re not done here. How old are u? I remember you being fit. Lads teased H about it after you left. Um…i don’t think i should answer anything w/o H. But, thank you, i think? C’mon, love. H would tell us anyway. Us?? I thought i was talking to Niall. Tommo and Li are reading over me shoulder. You 3 are the worst. TELL US! -Tommo Please -Liam I’m 21. Nearly 22 Oh thank god. -Liam Did you fuck him? -Tommo Ignore Louis -Niall

The messages stop for a moment, and I’m left staring at my phone screen in a sort of horror. Trev’s too absorbed in the episode of Wheel of Fortune now playing on the telly to notice my dilemma. My phone buzzes again, and I expect more slightly inappropriate text from Harry’s bandmates, but it’s ringing an incoming call from Harry instead.

I answer and walk down the hall to my bedroom.

“Harry?” I answer, wanting to make sure I’m talking to the owner of the phone instead of his probably drunk and nosey mates.

“Hiiii,” he draws out. I can hear music in the background. “I’m sorry about them. They were pre-gaming before I even left yours.”

“I’m sorry they saw our messages,” I laugh. “Hope you don’t mind them knowing you have a daddy kink.”

He groans, and I can just imagine him pinching the bridge of his nose. “I mean, it probably would have come out eventually. I’m just gonna get mocked about it for a few weeks.”

I grimace. “I’m sorry.”

“Not your fault. Shouldn’t have left my phone on the table unattended.” I can hear other voices, yelling to be heard over the loud music, then Harry’s deep sigh. “And it’s begun. It’s only gonna get worse the more drunk they get. Especially Liam. Can’t handle his drink yet.”

“Maybe just get drunk so you won’t remember any of this in the morning,” I suggest jokingly.

“Be expecting some naughty texts around midnight, then. I’m a flirty drunk.”

“You’re always a flirt, Styles.”

“True. But now that I’ve had you, I can be more explicit. Have a good night, princess.”

“Goodnight, daddy.”

I fall asleep by eleven that night, despite my nap, having not had a whole lot of sleep the night before and a long day. I vaguely hear my phone buzzing on my bedside table at some point long after I’ve fallen asleep, but I’m too tired to check it. I have a pretty good feeling it’s Harry, but the messages will still be there in the morning.

I never get a chance to read them, however, because I’m woken by the buzzing of the intercom, someone requesting to be let up into the building. I check the clock with bleary eyes and see that it’s only nine in the morning. My first thought is maybe that Trevor forgot a key, or his mum is back from her trip and forgot a key. So, I quickly throw on the first shirt my fingers touch on my floor and trudge into the living area. The buzzer is still going incessantly when I reach it. I press the button to speak into the intercom.

“Trevor, I swear to God, if you forgot your key again, I’m just gonna leave your ass out there. This is the third time this month. And it’s only the tenth.”

“Not Trevor,” the voice comes back, crackly over the shoddy speaker. “But I come bearing breakfast and coffee and a day planned of sightseeing, so if you could be so kind to let me in anyway.”

“Harry?” I question. Last I had heard from him, he wasn’t sure if he was gonna be able to come into NYC today.

“Yeah, love. Let me up, I’m attracting a crowd. It’s like an episode of The Walking Dead out here.” There’s an urgency in his voice that I’ve only heard just now, so I quickly buzz him in, hoping he gets in without letting a crazy fan into the building. I unlock the door to the condo and wait for the knock on the door. I open in quickly to Harry, a drink carrier in one hand and a bag of delicious smelling food in the other.

“Jesus, Harry. You could’ve called or something,” I tell him, pulling him inside. He sets the food down on the counter and turns to pull me into a hug.

“I did, love. And sent texts.”

I look up at him and grimace. “I haven’t checked my phone. And I sleep like the dead.”

He chuckles, “I’ve realized. It’s alright, just telling you I wiggled my way into coming here today. There were conditions, though.” This time he grimaces.

I raise an eyebrow. “What conditions?”

There’s another knock at my door just as soon as the words are out of my mouth. Harry gives me a smile that says, ‘Please still love me after this.’ I glare at him suspiciously as I turn to open the door again.

“Ah, the famous Micky,” an Irish voice greets. And the voice definitely doesn’t belong to Paul.

Liam, Niall and Louis stand in the doorway, each with different smiles adorning their faces. Liam’s is a genuine smile, though he looks a little worse for wear. Probably drank too much the night before. Louis is giving me that cheeky closed mouth grin that alerts me that he has something to say, but he’s trying his best to keep it in. And Niall looks absolutely giddy, eyeing me up and down in appraisal.

“Security said we had to all go out today. Publicity something or other,” Harry supplies as an explanation for why the entirety of One Direction is now entering the condo.

“Hello, boys,” I greet as I close the door. The four of them in here makes the space look uncannily small, like even this extravagant condo in Upper Manhattan pales in comparison to these four men.

“Morning, Micky,” Niall greets enthusiastically.

Liam mumbles a good morning with a small smile, squinting. He’s very obviously hungover, though he’s trying his best. Louis grins and wraps an arm around my shoulder in a greeting hug.

“I brought coffee and food as a peace offering,” Harry admits, wrapping an arm around my waist. He seems to look down at me for the first time and grins. “You look good in my clothes.”

I look down at myself and realize I’m wearing the shirt he gave me yesterday in order to leave the hotel. I blush. “I wasn’t wearing a shirt when you rang. Had to throw something on real quick.”

“Who’s the third coffee for, H?” Louis asks, taking a seat at one of the barstools lined up at the counter. “Thought we were just grabbing Micky.”

“That would be for me,” Trevor says, coming down the hallway from his bedroom, only in a pair of trackies and his glasses, his hair a little bit of a mess from sleeping. He nods at Harry in greeting before picking a coffee cup out of the drink carrier. “Thanks, man.”

“Figured she’d be more forgiving if I buttered you up, too,” Harry admits.

“Good move,” Trev nods. He takes a sip of the coffee and sighs. “So damn good.” He finally looks at me. “Might want to put some pants on, girl. You’ve got four attractive men looking at your pretty legs. And your ass hangs out of the bottom.”

“I’m wearing pants!” I object, appalled he thinks I’d come out of my bedroom without them on.

He rolls his eyes. “I meant shorts or something. Jesus. Either way, they’re all still staring at you.”

“I’m in a committed relationship, mate,” Liam interjects. “I don’t look at other women like that.”

Trevor snorts unattractively. “Yeah, and I’m totally not gay. You’re full of shit, Payne.”

Niall cackles at Trevor’s casual call out of his friend and lightly punches Liam in the arm. Liam scowls at the Irishman and rubs at his arm, looking like a put out child.

I roll my eyes and extricate myself from Harry’s grasp. “You five behave. I’ll be back in a mo’.”

“It’s a bit warm outside,” Harry calls. “And we’ll be doing some walking.” I throw him a thumbs up over my shoulder, thankful for the heads up about what to wear. I pretty much already have an outfit picked out in my mind, but the shoe choice now has to change.

When I get to my room, I take off my t-shirt and go to my closet to pick out the appropriate items. I find the green crop top I had in mind and head to my dresser to find the black skirt with a thing white plaid pattern. I contemplate whether I should wear a bra, but figure the hot weather and the tight material of the shirt is reason enough not to wear one. I find a pair of no-show socks to wear with the maroon Converse I plan to put on later.

I quickly change into my clothes and go to the bathroom to run some product through my hair to tame it a bit. If it’s warm, that means it’s most likely humid, and my hair doesn’t take too kindly to the moisture. I do what I can with it and then add a minimal amount of makeup just so I don’t look like a troll while out with the boys today. I can only imagine there may be some photos taken by some fans, and god forbid I be caught in one by accident looking like I just rolled out of bed. I don’t plan on being in any of them, but people can be sneaky.

“All set, love?” Harry asks as I reemerge. I nod and smile as I sit on a side table to slip my shoes on. The coffee he brought is really calling my name, but I go for the food first, knowing I can take the coffee with me while we walk.

“What are you all doing today?” Trev asks, still just standing, eating his breakfast sandwich and coffee in nothing but his trousers.

Harry is sipping on his coffee, so Louis answers. “Bit o’ sightseeing. Hoping we can get away with goin’ some bigger places. People think we’re already on the road, so no one will be looking out for us.”

“Wanna go to the MoMA,” Harry says, passing me a sandwich. I thank him with a smile.

“You’re in New York, and yeh wanna go to a damn museum?” Niall asks with a crinkle of his nose in distaste.

“I’ll go with you, Harry,” I offer. “Lads can go do something else while we go there. Probably better if you split up for a bit, anyway.”

The boys nod and Harry looks at me, his fingers pulling at his bottom lip in a sign of contemplation.

“There’s a chance there’ll be paps today,” he warns slowly, his brow furrowed. “If you don’t wanna come, you don’t have to. I don’t want you to get overwhelmed.”

I reach over and put my hand over his with a smile. “I’m okay, Harry. I’ve got thick skin. We’re only friends hanging out while you’re in NYC.”

Trevor clears his throat and I see Louis’s eyebrows raise quickly on his forehead before settling back down, that same smirk I saw during the meet and greet taking up residence on his face again. I don’t know what garnered that reaction, but I ignore it.

Harry’s eyebrows furrow further in what I perceive as worry, but then he nods. “Right. Still, just let me know if you need to tap out and come back here.”

I smile. “I will. Now come on. There’s a lot to see in New York.”

NINE

#harry styles #harry styles fanfiction #harry styles imagine #No Control #one direction

140 notes · View notes

desperationandgin · 8 years

Text

Hello, my babies.

A while ago, I wrote a post for you all on needing renter’s (or tenant) insurance. Now I want to help guide you all into cooking with a few tips from me to you. YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE AFRAID TO LEARN HOW TO COOK. You can do it, I believe in u. Okay, here we go:

DON'T BE AFRAID OF KNIVES. Have a very SHARP KNIFE. A dull knife will hurt you worse than a sharp one. If you ever invest in knife, let be a good, classic kitchen knife. It’s what you’ll do most of your food prep with. YOU DON’T NEED AN ENTIRE WOODEN BLOCK OF KNIVES. You’ll probably never use all of them.

Always wash your knives by hand. I'm not talking about regular old butter knives or even cheap-o steak knives that couldn't cut anything more than cooked meat. I'm talking about the one I just told you to invest in. The dishwasher will RUIN them. And you know what, wash your pots and pans by hand, too. I KNOW I’M ASKING YOU NOT TO BE LAZY. But if you’ve received a nice set of cookware for graduation or as a housewarming gift or wedding shower gift, treat that shit right. Clean the sides, clean the bottom; your dishwasher won’t gently caress it the way you will.

You don't need 98% of unitaskers. (GARLIC PRESS: #1 EXCEPTION!!!!!!) If you think about an object and it literally only has one function, it's just taking up space and I know a lot of you may already have a limited space to work with. Buzzfeed loves to promote a tool to core strawberries on nearly every 'BUY ME' kitchen list but really? HOW MANY FUCKIN’ STRAWBERRIES ARE YOU TAKING THE MIDDLE OUT OF? Do you really ever look at a strawberry and go ‘GRASPING THAT GREEN LEAFY TOP AS I EAT THE ENTIRE STRAWBERRY IN ONE GO IS TOO FUCKING MUCH.’ If you do, then please waste space and money on a strawberry corer. Just think about this: How often are you going to use it and how much time does it actually save? On the flip side, a potato peeler also works for other veggies - definitely not a unitasker.

If you don't cut/chop/dice your food consistently, then it won't all cook at the same temperature. If you have one super thick cut of meat and try to cook it for the same length of time as a piece cut more thinly, either the thick cut is going to be raw as fuck in the middle and you might make someone sick, or the thin cut is going to be the leather version of whatever it was because you cooked it too long to match the other piece. Uniformity is important with food prep.

GET A FUCKING MEAT THERMOMETER. If you don't know what you're doing absolutely do not use the 'hand test' to check the doneness of meat. Don’t even google that shit if you don’t know what it means. Save $15.00, get a meat thermometer, and be done with it.

Spices go bad. If you smell it and it smells like nothing anymore, or it's super clumpy, or you know it's been over a year since you've used it, toss it and buy fresh.

READ EVERY. SINGLE. RECIPE. AND EVERY. SINGLE. STEP. AHEAD. OF. TIME.

Taste your food as you cook. I mean it. I REALLY MEAN IT. Don't be afraid of salt. Pasta and potatoes NEED SALT. When you start boiling water for pasta, SALT THE WATER LIKE THE OCEAN. Salt in home cooked food is not going to kill you. All the added salt in packaged foods to preserve them is where you should worry. (I mean, do what your doctor says if you're on a low-sodium diet but as long as you're not licking salt at home you should be okay.) When you're making a sauce, taste it before you declare it done. Is it bland? ADD SALT. Don't go absolutely apeshit with salt; the more you cook the more you'll figure it out.

(Also, I know it can be expensive to buy fresh veggies. I know it can. But canned foods are not great for you. Frozen veggies are better!)

Freezing food does not mean it will last forever?????? I KNOW WE ALL WANT TO BELIEVE THAT. Just because you put something there doesn't mean it will hang in stasis like Fry from Futurama and be good to go as soon as you thaw it out. If you have meat in your fridge that's been there for over 4-6 months, toss it. *NOTE: I meant to say freezer here but fuck if you have meat in your fridge for 4-6 months PLEASE ALSO THROW IT AWAY.

I know a lot of people are on budgets, so plan your meals before you ever go to the store and write a list based on what you need to buy. Put your spices where you can see them otherwise you'll wind up with multiple items that are all the same. Writing a list seems like a chore, but if you go to the store with a plan, you'll definitely save money.

If you go shopping for, say, a week's worth of dinners, compare your ingredients. If three recipes call for milk, for example, maybe you buy a quart instead of a pint. It's just a better way to not buy too little or too much of anything you might need.

Have fun. Look, odds are you're not cooking for the Queen. You’re not on Chopped. If you fuck up who cares? At the very worst you're going to have to toss everything and call out for delivery. It's okay to screw up in the kitchen, just never serve anything raw that isn't supposed to be and you'll avoid making people sick. Learning to cook isn't a scary thing. Utilize youtube. Watch this Gordon Ramsay video to learn how to chop an onion. (His channel, in general, has taught me a LOT.)

Experiment, cook often. It's the only way you'll learn.

#food #cooking #grocery #tips #how to adult

264 notes · View notes

ah17hh · 4 years

Text

history of the entire world I guess 👀🌎🌎🌎🌎🌎🌎🌎🌎🌎🌎😳🌎🌎🌎🌎 via /r/emojipasta

history of the entire world I guess 👀🌎🌎🌎🌎🌎🌎🌎🌎🌎🌎😳🌎🌎🌎🌎

hi, 🤚 you're on a rock 🗿 floating in space. 🌖 pretty cool, 😎👍 huh? 😕❔ some of it's water. 🤽‍♂️ fuck it. 🚮 actually, most of it's water 💦 . 🐃⛲ i 😀 can't even 🌒🌒🌒 get 🉐 from here 📍 to there without buying 🛍 a boat. ⛴⚓ it's sad. 🙍 i'm sad. 🙁😔 i 😭😭😭😭😭miss you😭😭😰😰😰.

HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?🤔🤔

a long time 🕗 ago... actually, never 🙅‍♂️. and also now. nothing 🚯 is nowhere. when? never. makes sense, right 🤓? 🗯 like 🥰 i 😊 said, it 🚮 didn't happen 🤷‍♀️. nothing 🚯 was never anywhere🤷‍♂️. that's why it's been everywhere 😱. it's been so 🆘 "everywhere," you 😊 don't need a "where." you 😀 don't even 🌃 need a "when." that's how "every" it 🚮 gets. 🉐

forget this 😤. i wanna be something 👨‍🔧. go somewhere 🇵🇰. do something 🏀⚽️. i 😊 want things to change. i 😀 want to invent time ⏱ and space. 📡👨‍🚀📡👨‍🚀📡👨‍🚀 and i 😀 know it's possible because everything is here, 📍🈁 and it 🚮 probably already happened. i 😀 just don't know when to start. 🆕

and that's exactly where it 🚮 started 😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳

big bang — pause ⏸

woah. i 😊 paused it. 🚮 i 😊 think 🤔💭 there's a universe now. what's 😦 it 🚮 made of? quarks and stuff. ah, that's a thing! in a place! 🥈 don't like 🏩😻 it? 🚮 try a new 🌚 place, 🏆 at a different Time™. try to stick 🥍 together, because the world 🌏 is gonna get 🉐 bigger and emptier. but it's not 🚯 empty 🈳 yet! it's still very full, 🈵 and about a kjghpillion degrees. 🎓

about no 📭 seconds 🥈 later

great 🇬🇧 news! 🇵🇬 the quarks are 👉 now happily married in groups 👥 of three, 🥰 called a "proton" and a "neutron." and there's something else flying 🥏 around that wants to join 🈴 in, but can't cause 🎗 it's too HOT.

ten minutes later

great 🇬🇧 news! 🆕 the protons and neutrons are 👉 now happily married to each other! some of them even 🌘 doubled up.

about 380,000 🤭 years later

great 🇬🇧 news! 🌑 the electrons have 🈶 now joined in. congratulations! 🎉🎆 the world 🌍 is now... a bunch of gas 😤 in space. 🌕 but it's getting 🉐 closer together...

ten million years later 👴

and it's getting 🉐 closer together...

500 million years later 👴

and it's getting 🉐 closer togeth—

star is born

it's a star

new 🆕 shit 💩 just got made!

some stars ✨ burn out 😛 and die. ⚱ bigger stars ⭐⭐⭐ burn out 😝 and die 🎲 with passion! and make some brand ™️ new 🇳🇨 way crazier shit.

space dust!

which allows for newer 🌑🆕 and more ➕ interesting stars 🎇🤩🔭 to be made, and then die ⚰ and explode 🧨 into even crazier space 🌖 dust!

so 🆘 now, stars ☪✨ have 🈶 cool 👍 stuff 🥙🥙🥙 around them, like 👭😄 rocks, 🧗‍♂️🧗‍♀️ ice, 🏒🍧⛸ and funny 😃 clouds, 🌨 which can make some very interesting things. like 😚 this ball 🏐🏐🏐 of flaming 🔥 rocks, 🧗‍♂️🗿 for example.

meteor hits 👊 earth

holy shit, 💩💩💩 we 🌿 just got hit 👊 by another ball 🍙 of flaming 🔥 rocks. 🧗‍♂️ and it 🚮🚮🚮 kind of... made a mess. which is now the moon

weather update: it's raining ⛈🌧 rocks 🗿🧗‍♂️ from outer 😝 space. 🌘

weather update: those rocks 🗿🧗‍♀️ might've had water 🚰 inside 💠 of them and now there's hot 🍨 steam 🚂 in the sky. 🌈

weather update: cooler 😎 temperatures 🤒 today and the floor 🤣 is no 😶 longer lava.

weather update... it's raining. ⛈🌂

severe flooding alert, the entire world 🌎 is now an ocean. 🐋

volcano alert 🚨 .

that's land!

there'slifeintheocean

what? 😦

hello I am u/THEAppleMan_

*something's alive in the ocean 🌊 *

oh, cool. 🆒 like 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩 a plant, 🍀 or an animal? 🦐 no! 🚳 a microscopic speck. it 🚮 lives in the bottom ⤵️ of the ocean 🇮🇴🇮🇴🇮🇴 and eats 🍽 chemical soup, 🥫 which is being served hot 🍧 and fresh, ⛲ made from gnarly space 🌌 ingredients left 🤛🛅↙️ over 🌄 from when it 🚮 was raining ⛈ rocks 🧗‍♀️ or whatever.

microscopic speck asexually reproduces

oh yeah, and it 🚮 can do that.

reproduces three 🍆🥰 more ➕ times

it 🚮 has secret 🤐㊙️ instructions written inside 💠 itself telling 🗣 it 🚮 how to build 🏪👷⚒ another one 🔂 of itself. so 🆘 that's pretty nifty, i 😊 would say. 🗣

tired 💤 of living at the bottom ⏬🔻 of the ocean? 🐙

now you 😊😀 can eat 🍽 sunlight!

using a revolutionary technique, you 🤟😀 can convert sunlight into food. 🍽

taste the sun!

side 🚄 effect, now there's oxygen everywhere and the sky 🌆 is blue. 🈳

then the earth 🌎🌍 might've been a snowball for a while. maybe even 🌜 a couple 👩‍❤️‍👩 of times. ⌚⌚⌚

it's a sponge... it's a plant... it's a worm, 🐛 and some other types ⌨ of weird 😕 strange water ⛵ bugs 🐛 and strange fish. 🦈🦈🦈

it's the Cambrian explosion: "wow, ❕😮 that's animals 🐷 and stuff" 🥙

but we're still in the ocean. 🇮🇴 hey, can we 🌿 go on land? 🛫

why?

the sun 🌤 is a deadly ☠ laser

oh okay. 👌

not anymore, there's a blanket

now the animals 🙊🐥 can go on land. 🛫 come on, animals, 🐙 let's go on land! 🛫

"nope, 🙅 can't walk 🏃 yet."

"and there's no 📵 food 🥐 yet, so 🆘 i 😊 don't care." 💅

100 million years later

okay, 👌👌👌 will you 😀 learn 📖 to walk 🚶‍♀️ if there's plants 🏡 up here? 📌

"maybe," said some bugs. 🐜 and fish. 🐬

fish gasps for air 💨

five million years later

okay, 👌 so 🆘 i 😀 can go on land, 🛫 but i 😀 have 🈶 to go back 🤚⬅️🤚⬅️🤚⬅️ in the water 🚣 to have babies!

idea: learn 📕 to use an egg. 🐣

"i 😊 was already doing that"

use a stronger 💪 egg. 🍳 put 🚮 water 🚰 in it. 🚮 have 🈶 a baby, 🐤🐣🐤🐣🐤🐣 on land, 🛫 in an egg. 🐣 water 🚰 is in the egg. 🥚 baby, 🐥🤰 in the egg, 🍳 in the water, 🤽‍♀️ in the egg. 🐣🐣🐣

works 💼 for me. bye bye ocean

50 million years later

and now everything's huge. including bugs. 🐜🐝

wanna see 👁 a map 🗺 of the land? 🛫 sure.

Permian extinction

oh, fuck, now everything's dead. 💀⚱

just kidding, here 🈁 are 👉 the survivors. keep your eye 👁😚 on this one, 🔂 because it's about to become

75 million years later

the dinosaurs. 🦖

here's 📍 another map 🗺 of the land. 🛫 yeah, it 🚮 broke apart. don't worry about it, 🚮 it 🚮 does that all the time. ⌛🕦🕥 here 📍 comes a meteor.

meteor strikes

and the dinosaurs 🦕 are gone

it's mammal time, 🕰🕛 here 📍 come the mammals. look 👀👀👀 at those breasts.

now they're gonna dominate the world, 🌎 but one 🔂 of them just learned how to grab stuff. 🥙 and walk. 🏃‍♀️ no, 🚳 like, 😄 walk 🚷 like 👬 that. and grab stuff 🧸 at the same time. 🕕 and bang rocks 🗿🧗‍♂️🗿🧗‍♂️🗿🧗‍♂️ together to make pointed ✴️ rocks. 🧗‍♂️🧗‍♀️

"ouch"

and set things on fire. 🕯

"yeouch"

and make crazy 🤪 sounds 🔕🔊 with their voice:

"gneurshk"

which can mean 😏 different things.

that's a human 🏊‍♀️ person!

and now they're everywhere. almost.

ice age!

what? 😦 you 🤟 can walk 👣 over 🤭 here? 📌 cool. 🆒

not anymore

well i 😀 guess we're stuck 😝 here 📌 now.

let's review: there's people 👨‍👨‍👦‍👦 on the planet. 🌗 and they're chasing their food. 🥟

fuck it. 🚮 time 🕚 to plant 🌱 some grass. 🍃

look 👀 at this. i 😊 get 🉐 to control 🛂 the food 🍑🍿 now. now everyone will want to be my 😀😀😀 friend 🐶 and live near me. let's all build ⚒ houses, 🏚 except mine is bigger because i 😀 own the food. 🍽

this is great! 🇬🇧 i 😀 wonder if anyone else is doing this.

tired 💤 of using rocks 🗿🧗‍♀️ for everything? use metal. 🤘 it's underground.

better 🎰 farming 🚜 was just invented in a sweet 🍯 dank valley right ↔️ in between these two ✌ rivers, and the animals 🐻🏇🦖 are 👉 helping. 🆘

guess what 😦😦😦 happens next?

more ➕ food. 🧀🍩 and more ➕ people, 👩‍👦👨‍👧‍👧👨‍👧 who came to buy 🛍 the food. 🍲 now you 😀 need people 👨‍👨‍👧 to help 🆘 make the food 🥮 and keep track ⏭ of the sales. 💰 and now you 😀 need houses 🚪 for people 👭👭👭 to live in and people 👩‍👩‍👧‍👦 to make the houses 🏡 and now there's more ➕ people 👩‍👦👩‍👩‍👦‍👦 and they 👩‍👩‍👦‍👦 invent things which makes things better 🎰 and more ➕ people 👨‍👦 come and there's more ➕ farming 🚜 and more ➕ people 👨‍👧👨‍👨‍👦 to make more ➕ things for more ➕ people 👨‍👩‍👧‍👦 and now there's business, money, writing, laws, power,

Society

coming soon 🔜 to a dank river valley near you. 🤟😀

meanwhile, out 😝 in the middle 🖕 of nowhere, the horse 🎠🐴 is probably being tamed.

why is all my 😀 metal 🤘 so 🆘🆘🆘 lame and lumpy?

tired 😪 of using lame, sad 😔 metal? 🤘 introducing: bronze. made from special ingredient tin from the far lands of Tin Land. 🛫 i 😀 dunno, my 😊 dealer won't tell 🗣 me where he 💁‍♂️ gets 🉐 it. 🚮 also, guess what? 😦

egypt

meanwhile, out 😜 in the middle 🖕 of nowhere, they 💁 figured out 😝 how to put 🚮 wheels 🎡 on a horse. 🏇 now we're getting 🉐 somewhere. also,

china

and did i 😊 mention

indus river valley civilization

society count: 5

...

norte chico

the middle east 🌏 is getting 🉐 more ➕ complicated. maybe because it's in the middle of the east. 🌏

knock knock, er, clop clop. it's the... people 👨‍👨‍👧 with the horses? 🏇 and they 👩‍👩‍👦‍👦 made an empire. and then everyone else copied their horses. 🏇

greeks!

ah look, 👁 it 🚮 must be the greeks! er, a beta version of the greeks.

let's check ☑️ in with the indus river valley civilization: they're gone. guess who's not 🚯 gone? china.

new arrivals 🛬 from india... maybe it's those horse 🐴 people 👩‍👩‍👧 i 😀 was talking 🗨 about... or their cousins or something...

and they 👩‍👩‍👦‍👦 wrote some hymns and mantras and stuff...

you 🤟🤟🤟 could make a religion ⛪🔯 out 😜 of this.

there's the bronze age collapse.

now the phoenicians can get 🉐 down ⤵️⬇️ to business

also, can we 👩‍👩‍👦‍👦 switch to a metal 🤘 that's a little easier to find? 🔍 thanks. 🙌

look 👁 who came back ↩️ to israel, 🇮🇱 it's the twelve tribes of israel. 🇮🇱

and they 💁 believe in God

just one 1️⃣ though, and he's 💁‍♂️ got like 👫👫👫 a ten-step 🔟🚶 program. 📻

here's 📌 some huge heads. 💆‍♂️ must be the olmecs.

the phoenicians make some colonies. the greeks copy their idea 💡 and make some colonies. the phoenicians made a colony so 🆘 big it 🚮 makes colonies.

here 📍 comes the assyrian empire. never mind, 🤯 it's the babyloni— media—

it's the Persian Empire: "wow, ❕ that's big"

enlightenment

ah, the buddha was just enlightened. who's the buddha? this guy, 👨 who sat under a tree 🍃 for so 🆘 long that he 💁‍♂️ figured out 😜 how to ignore the fact that we're all dying. you 😊 could make a religion ⛪ out 😝😝😝 of this.

oops, 💦😖 china 🇨🇳 just broke. but while it 🚮 was breaking, 💔 confucius was figuring out 😜 how to have 🈶 good 🙅‍♂️ morals.

enlightenment

ah, the greeks just had the idea 💡 of thinking 🤔 about stuff. 🥙

and right 🤜 over 🤬🤬🤬 here, 🈁 alexander just had the idea 💡 of conquering the entire persian empire. it's a great 🇬🇧 idea. 💡 he 💁‍♂️ was... great. 🇬🇧🇬🇧🇬🇧 and now he's 💁‍♂️ dead. ⚰ hopefully, the rest 🛏 of the gang will be able to share the empire evenly between them.

knock knock, it's chandragupta. he 💁‍♂️ says 🗣 "get 🉐 the hell out 😜😜😜 of here. 📌 will you 😀 get 🉐 the hell out 😜😝 of here 📍 if i 😊 give you 🤟 500 elephants? 🐘 okay, 👌 thanks, 🙌 bye"

time to conquer all of india

most of india

but what 😦 about this part? 〽️ that's the tamil kings. 🤴 no 🚳 one 🔂🔂🔂 conquers the tamil kings. 👑 who are 👉 the tamil kings? 👑 merchants, probably. and they've got spices!

who would like 💛👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩 to buy 🛍 the spices? "me!" said the arabians, swiftly buying 🛍 it 🚮 and selling it 🚮 to the rest 🛏 of the world. 🗺🌎

hey, china 🇨🇳 put 🚮 itself back ⬅️🤚 together again, with good 🦸‍♀️❇️ morals as their main philosophy. actually, they 💁 have 🈶 three 🥰 main philosophies:

confucianism: have 🈶🈶🈶 good 🉑🌟🙅 morals

taoism: go with the flow

legalism: fuck you, 😀 obey the law

out 😝😛 here, 📌 the horse 🐴🐴🐴 nomads run wild 🐯 and free, 🆓 and they 👩‍👩‍👦‍👦 would like 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩 to ransack your city. 🇻🇦

nomads ransack china

let's check ✔️ the greekification levels 🎚 of the greekified kingdoms: 🇬🇧 greekification overload. bye, said the parthians. bye, said the jews. hi, said the parthians, taking over 🤬🤭 the entire place. 🏟🏟🏟

heyyyyy, said the romans, eating 🍽 the entire mediterranean for breakfast. 🥓 "thanks 🙌 for invading our homeland," said the jews, who were starting 💫 to get 🉐 tired 😫 of people 👩‍👦 invading their homeland.

"hi, everything's great," 🇬🇧 said some guy 👨 who seems to be getting 🉐 very popular and is then arrested and killed for being too popular, which actually makes him more ➕ popular. you 🤟 could make a religion 🛐 out 😝😛 of this.

want silk? 🕸 now you 😊 can buy 🛍 it 🚮 from china. 🇨🇳 they 💁 just made a brand new 🇵🇬 road 🛣 to the world.

conquers vietnam

or you 🤟😀 can get there on water

"sick! 😷 new 🇳🇿 trade routes!" said india, 🇮🇳 accidentally spreading their religion ☦ to the entire southeast. ↘️

hmm, that's a good 📈 place 🚩 for an epic trading kingdom. 🇬🇧

there goes buddhism, ☸ travelling 💱💱💱 up the silk 🕸 road. 🛣 i 😀 wonder if it'll reach china 🍚 before it 🚮 collapses again.

remember the persian empire? yep, said the persians, making a new 🌚 one. 🔂

axum is getting 🉐 so 🆘 powerful, they 💁 would like 💒 to build 👷‍♀️ a long stick. 🥍

has anyone populated madagascar 🇲🇬 yet? let's do it 🚮 together.

china is whole again...

...then it 🚮 broke again

still can't cross ✝ the sahara 🇪🇭 desert? 🐪 try camels. 🐪

"hell yeah! now we've got business," said the ghana 🇬🇭 empire, selling lots of gold. and slaves.

"hi, i'm a member of the roman empire, and i 😊 was wondering

is loving 💑💝 jesus legal 📝 yet?"

"no" 🇳🇴

"actually, okay 👌 sure," said constantine, moving 📦 the capital 🔠🔠🔠 way ↕️ over 🤭 here 📍🈁 to be closer to his 🐍🐍🐍 main rival. don't worry about rome, it 🚮 won't fall. 🍁

it's the golden age of india

there's the gupta empire, not 🚯 chandragupta, just gupta. first 🌛 name 📛 chandra. the first. 🌓

guess who's in rome? barbarians. what's 😦 a barbarian? "non-romans," said the romans, being invaded by non-romans. r.i.p. roman empire. actually just half of it, 🚮 the other half is just fine, but it's not 🚯 in rome anymore, so 🆘 let's give it 🚮 a new 🇵🇬 name. 📛

the mayans have 🈶 figured out 😛 the stars

oh, and here's 📌 a huge city, 🇻🇦 population: everyone.

the göktürks have 🈶 taken over 🌄🤬 the entire eurasian steppe. great 🇬🇧 job, 💼 göktürks.

how's india? 🇮🇳 broken. 🏚 how's china? 🍚 back together.

how's those trading kingdoms? 🇬🇧 bigger, and there's more ➕ of them.

korea 🇰🇵 has three 3️⃣ kingdoms. 🇬🇧 japan 🍥 has a kingdom, 🇬🇧🇬🇧🇬🇧 it's the sunrise 🌄 kingdom. 🇬🇧

intermission

deep in the arabian desert, 🏝 on the top 🔝 of a mountain, 🌁🗻 the real god whispers in muhammad's ear. 👂 so, 🆘 he 💁‍♂️ goes down ⏬🙃 to the cube where everyone worships 🕍 gods and he 💁‍♂️ tells 🗣 them their gods are 👉 all fake. and everyone got so 🆘 mad 💢 at him that he 💁‍♂️ had to leave 🍃 town and go to a different town. you 🤟 could make a religion 🔯 out 😜 of this, and maybe conquer the world 🗺🌍 as well.

the roman empire is long gone, but somehow the pope is still the pope. plus, ➕ there's new kingdoms 🇬🇧 all over 🌄 europe. i 😀 wonder if there's room 🧖‍♀️ for moors.

here's 📌 all the wisdom. in a house. 🚪 it's the baghdad house 🏡 of wisdom! just in time 🕟 for the islamic golden age!

"let's bring stuff 🥙 to the coast 🇨🇮 and sell it, 🚮 and become the swahili on the swahili coast," 🇨🇮 said the swahili on the swahili coast. 🇨🇮

remember this tiny space 🌕 you 😊 have 🈶 to go through to get 🉐 from here 🈁 to there? someone owns that now.

wanna get 🉐 enlightened in the middle 🖕🖕🖕 of nowhere?

the franks have 🈶 the biggest kingdom 🇬🇧 in europe, and the pope is so 🆘 proud 😤 that he 💁‍♂️ invites the king 👑 over 🌄 for christmas. 🎄 "surprise! 🤭 you're the new 🇳🇨 roman emporer!" said the pope, pretending to still be part 〽️ of the roman empire. then the franks broke their kingdom 🇬🇧 into what 😦 will later 🕡🕗 be called france 🇫🇷 and not-france. 🚯

the northerners, er, just "norse" if you 😀 don't have 🈶 much time, 🕔 are 👉 exploring. they 💁 go north, 🇰🇵 from the north 🇰🇵 to the northern 🇬🇧 north. 🇰🇵 and they 💁 find 🔍 some land— two 👬 types ⌨ of land!— and they 💁 name 📛 them accordingly.

prankd

they 💁 also invade some other places 🏆 and get 🉐 called many names, 📛 such as "vikings."

there's the rus! the kievan rus! are 👉 they 👩‍👩‍👦‍👦 vikings? "i 😊 don't think 🗯 so," 🆘 said the kievan rus. okay, fair enough.

the pope is ready to make some more ➕ emperors of the roman empire. the holy roman empire! it's actually germany, but don't worry about it. 🚮 new 🇳🇨 kingdoms—

CRISTIANIZE ALL THE KINGDOMS!!

which brand ™️ would you 😀 like? 💖

"mine's better"

"time 🕥 to conquer england," 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿💷 said william.

it's a bird! 🐥 it's a plane! 👨‍✈️ it's the seljuk turks!

"aah!" said the byzantine empire, who's getting 🉐 so 🆘 small 🌤 and almost doesn't exist anymore. "we 🌿 need help!" 🆘 they 💁 need help! 🆘 so 🆘 they 💁 call 🤙 the pope.

"hey pope, can you 😊🤟 help 🆘 us get 🉐🉐🉐 rid of the seljuks? maybe take back ↩️ the holy land 🛫 on the way? 🌌 come on, i 😀 know you 😊 want to take back 🤚 the holy land." 🛫

"yes, ☑️ i 😊 do actually want to do that. let's do a crusade."

crusade!

they 👩‍👩‍👦‍👦👩‍👩‍👦‍👦👩‍👩‍👦‍👦 did many crusades. some of which almost didn't fail. 💩 but at least the italians 🍝 got some sweet 🍪 trade deals.

goodbye 👋👋👋 mayans. hello toltecs! goodbye 👋 toltecs. hello mississippi! look 👁 at those mounds.

there's the pueblo. i 😊 always wondered how to build 🏨🏛🏨🏛🏨🏛 a town in a cliff.

guess who's here? 📍 khmer. where? here! 📌 and pagan is there. vietnam 🇻🇳 unconquered itself, korea 🇰🇷 just became itself, and japan 🍥 is so 🆘 addicted to art 🎭 that the military 🎖 might have 🈶 to take over 🌄🤬 the government.

china 🍚 just invented bombs, 💣 and typing. ⌨⌨⌨ and the mongols just invaded most of the universe. nice going, genghis! i 😀 bet 🎰 that will last 🌗 a long time. 🕤

some of the islamic 🇮🇷 turks 🇹🇨 were unaffected by the mongol invasions because they 💁 were busy invading india. 🇮🇳

is it 🚮 tonga 🇹🇴 time? 🕛 i 😊 think 🤔 it's tonga 🇹🇴 time. 🕚

i 😀 just figured out 😛 where the swahili gets 🉐 all of their gold.

look 👁 at this chad! 🇹🇩 it 🚮 means 😏 "lake." there's an empire there! right 👉 in the middle 🖕 of africa!

the king 🤴 of mali 🇲🇱 is so 🆘 rich, 🤑 he's 💁‍♂️💁‍♂️💁‍♂️ going on tour to let everyone know. "wow, ❗ that guy's 👷 rich," 🤑 everyone said.

the christians are 👉 doing a great 🇬🇧 job 💼 reconquering iberia, which will soon 🔜 be called spain 🇪🇸 and not-spain. 🚯 please 🙏 remain christian. we 🌿 will check ☑️ in later 🕣 to see 👀🙈 if you're still christian when you 🤟😊 least expect.

whoops, 🤭 half of europe just died.

ming! china's 🍚 back, 🔙⬅️ yay! 👏

hey, khmer. time 🕔🕔🕔 to share. new 🌑 kingdoms, 🇬🇧 here 🈁 and there.

oh, look 👀 who controls 🛂 all of the islands. 🇫🇴 it's the mahajapit.

majahapit.

mapajahit.

mahapajit.

mapajahit.

ma-ja-pa-hit? 👊

oh, italy's 🇮🇹 real rich. 🤑 time 🕡 for them to care 💅 a lot about art 🥋🖌🎭 and the ancient 📜 classics. it's kinda like 👍 a rebirth.

here's 🈁 a printer. 🖨 let's make books! 📙📕

so 🆘 you 😀😀😀 think 🗯 you 😀 can conquer the byzantine empire? yep, said the ottoman turks. 🇹🇨 nice job, 💼 ottoman turks. 🇹🇨 oops, 😣 you 🤟 missed a spot. 🦒 don't forget to ban ✋ europe from the indian 🍛 spice trade.

"what? 😦 that's bullshit," said portugal, 🇵🇹 spiceless.

"well i 😊 guess we'll have 🈶 to find 🔎 another way 🌌 to india"

"wait!" 🚏 said christopher columbus, probably smoking 🚬 crack. "if the world 🌏 is round, ⚪ let's go this way 🌌 to india." 🇮🇳

"nah, don't worry, we 🌿 already got this," said portugal. 🇵🇹

so 🆘 chris goes to spain. 🇪🇸 "hey spain, 🇪🇸 wanna hire me to find 🔍 india 🇮🇳 by going around back 🔙 of the world?" 🌐

"no" 😶

"please?" 🙏

"no" 📵

"please?" 🙏

"wtf"

"no" ⛔

"please?" 🙏

"...okay"

so 🆘 he 💁‍♂️ sails into the ocean, 🐬 and discovers... more ➕ ocean. 🏄🦐 and then discovers the indies, and japan! 🗾🎑 let's draw 📏 a line 〰️ to decide who gets 🉐 which half of the world. 🌐

the aztec and the inca empires are 👉 off 📴 to a great 🇬🇧 start. 🆕 i 😊 wonder if they 💁 know that europe just discovered their continent.

the hapsburgs are 👉 marrying into so 🆘 many royal 👸 families, they 💁 might have 🈶 to start 🆕 marrying each other.

move over, 🤬 lithuania, 🇱🇹 here 🈁 comes moscow. ivan wants to make russia great 🇬🇧 again.

move over, 🌄 timurids, maybe go invade india 🇮🇳 or something. persia just made persia persian again.

let's make it 🚮 the other kind of islam. 🕌☪ the one 🔂 where we 🌿 thought 💭 the first 🥇🌛 guy 💂👱 should've been the other guy. 👷

hey, christians! do you 😊🤟 sin? now you 🤟🤟🤟 can buy 🛍 your way ↕️ out 😜😛 of hell!

"that's bullshit. this whole thing is bullshit. that's a scam. fuck the church. ⛪ here's 📌 95 reasons why," said martin luther, in his 🐍 new 🆕 book 📘 which might have 🈶 accidentally started the protestant reformation.

"you 🤟 know what 😦 would be magnificent?" said suleiman wearing an onion hat. 🤠 "what 😦 if the ottoman empire was... really big?" which it 🚮🚮🚮 is now.

"what 😦 if russia was big?" said ivan, trying not 🚯 to be terrible.

portugal 🇵🇹 had a dream 💭 that they 💁💁💁 controlled the entire indian 🇮🇴 ocean, 🌊 including the spice trade. and then that dream 💭 was real.

and spain 🇪🇸 realized that this is not 🚯 india, 🇮🇳 but they 💁 pillaged it 🚮 anyway. "damn," said england 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿 and france. 🇫🇷 "we 👩‍👩‍👦‍👦 gotta start 🆕 pillaging some stuff." 🥙 then the dutch 🇸🇽 revolt, and all the hipsters 🚴 moved to amsterdam. "damn," said amsterdam. "we 👩‍👩‍👦‍👦 gotta start 🆕 pillaging some stuff." 🥙

question ❔ one: 🔂 can you 🤟 get 🉐 to india 🇮🇳🇮🇳🇮🇳 from north 🇰🇵 america? 🇺🇸 no, 🙈 but at least there's beaver.

question ❓ two: 👭 steal the spice trade. that's not 🚯 a question, ❔ but the dutch 🇸🇽 did it 🚮 anyway.

and sugar... guess where all of the sugar is made? in brazil! 🇧🇷🇧🇷🇧🇷 stolen! in the caribbean! 🇧🇶 and it's so 🆘 goddamn profitable, you 😊😀 might forget to not 🚯🚯🚯 do slavery.

the next ➡️ thing on russia's to-do list is to get 🉐 bigger.

britain 🇬🇧🇬🇧🇬🇧 and france 🇫🇷 are 👉 having 🈶 a friendly discussion about who should control 🛂 the entire world. 🌐 more ➕ specifically, ohio. then it 🚮 escalates into a seven-year 7️⃣ discussion, giving prussia a chance to show 📺 austria 🇦🇹🇦🇹🇦🇹 who's boss. but what 😦 about britain 🇬🇧 and france, 🇫🇷 did they 💁 figure out 😛 who's boss? yes ✔️ they 💁💁💁 did! it's britain. 🇬🇧

guess who's broke? also britain! 🇬🇧 so 🆘 they 👩‍👩‍👦‍👦 start 🆕 taxing the hell out 😜 of america. 🌎 "fuck you!" 😊 says 🗣 america, 🇺🇸 declaring their independence and fighting 🥊 for it, 🚮 and france 🇫🇷 helps 🆘 them win. 🏆 now france 🇫🇷 is broke, and britain 🇬🇧 will have 🈶🈶🈶 to send their prisoners to a different continent.

wait, 🚏 if france 🇫🇷 is broke, why do the king 🤴 and queen 👸 still wear such fancy 💠 dresses?

"let's overthrow the palace and cut ✂️ all their heads 🤕 off!" 📴 said robespierre, cutting 🈹🥩🈹🥩🈹🥩 everybody's heads 💆 off 📴 until someone eventually got mad 💢 and cut ✂️ his 🐍 head 💆 off. 📴

you 😀 could make a rel— no, 🙉 don't.

haiti 🇭🇹 is starting 🔯 to like 💖 the idea 💡 of a revolution, especially the slaves, who free 🆓 themselves by killing their masters. "why didn't we 👩‍👩‍👦‍👦 think 🤔🗯 of this before?"

wait, 🚏 who's in charge of france 🇫🇷 now? "me," said napoleon, trying to take over 🤬🤭 europe. luckily, they 💁 banished him to an island. 🇲🇵 but he came back! luckily, they 💁 banished him to another island. 🇻🇬

there goes latin ✝ america, 🌎 becoming independent in the latin ✝ american 🗽 wars of independence.

britain 🇬🇧 just figured out 😜 how to turn steam 🚂 into power, 🔌 so 🆘 now they 💁 can make many different types ⌨ of machines 🎰 and factories with machines 🤖 in them so 🆘 they 💁 can make a lot of products real fast. then they 👩‍👩‍👦‍👦 invent some trains. 🚋 and conquer india 🇮🇳 and maybe put 🚮 some trains 🚂 there.

"hey, china!" 🇨🇳 said britain. 🇬🇧 "buy 🛍 stuff 🥙 from us!" "nah, dude, we 👩‍👩‍👦‍👦 already got everything," says 🗣 china. 🍚 so 🆘 britain 🇬🇧 tried to get 🉐 them addicted to opium, which worked, actually. but then china 🍚 made it 🚮 illegal and dumped it 🚮 all into the sea. 🐙 so 🆘 britain 🇬🇧🇬🇧🇬🇧 threw a hissy fit and made them open 😮 up five 5️⃣ cities and give them an island. 🇹🇨

britain 🇬🇧 and russia are 👉 playing 👾 a game 🎴 where they 👩‍👩‍👦‍👦 try to stop 🚫🚫🚫 the other person 👱‍♀️ from conquering afghanistan. 🇦🇫

also, the sultan of oman 🇴🇲 lives in zanzibar now: "that's just where he 💁‍♂️ lives."

india 🇮🇳 just had a revolution, and they 👩‍👩‍👦‍👦 would like 😚 to govern themselves now. "nope," 🙅 said britain, 🇬🇧 governing them even 🌜🌛 harder than before.

incoming telegram: HI I 😊 JUST SENT YOU 😀😊 A MESSAGE 🗨 THRU A WIRE

technology is about to go crazy!

the united 🇺🇳 states 🇺🇸 finally figured out 😜 whether slavery is good 🉑 or bad. 🦹‍♂️ it's bad, 📉🦹‍♂️ they 👩‍👩‍👦‍👦 decided, and then they 👩‍👩‍👦‍👦 continued manifesting their destiny, which is to kill 🚬 the rest 🛌😪🛌😪🛌😪 of the natives and take their land 🛫 and maybe kick 🦶🛴 out 😝😜 the mexicans 🌮 too.

"i 😀 know! let's rape africa!" 🇿🇦🇿🇦🇿🇦 said europe, scrambling to see 🙈 who could rape it 🚮 the fastest. they never got ethiopia...

britain 🇬🇧 and france 🇫🇷 are 👉 still hungry. they never got thailand...

the united states 🇺🇸 ran out 🥺 of destiny to manifest, so 🆘 they're looking 🚺👀 for more: ➕

hawaii!

cuba!

wait, 🚏 spain 🇪🇸 controls 🛂 cuba. 🇨🇺

well, blame something on them and go to war! what 😦😦😦 should we 🌿 blame on spain? 🇪🇸

u.s.s. maine sinks

"let's blame the maine on spain." 🇪🇸

so 🆘 they 💁💁💁 blame the maine on spain. 🇪🇸

now we're in business. 📉

to celebrate, 🥂 they 💁 kick 🦵 panama 🇵🇦 out 😛😜 of panama 🇵🇦 and make a canal, connecting the two ✌✌✌ oceans. 🐙🏄

britain 🇬🇧 just found oil 🛢 in the middle 🖕 east. 🌏 it makes cars 🚐 go...

china 🍚 is so 🆘 tired 😴 of being bossed around that they 💁 delete ❌ their old 👴 government and make a new, 🇳🇨 stronger 💪 government, which is accidentally weaker and is controlled by a guy 💂 from the previous ⬅️ government.

europe hasn't had a war since the last 🌜 war, so 🆘 they 👩‍👩‍👦‍👦 start 🆕 world 🌎 war one. 1️⃣ look 👀 at those guns! 🔫 it's gonna be a great 🇬🇧 war, so 🆘 great 🇬🇧 we 🌿 won't need a second 🥈 one. 1️⃣ after it's over, 🤬 they 👩‍👩‍👦‍👦 blame germany.

russia went on strike, and the workers 👨‍🏭 overthrew the government. now, everyone's paycheck is the same. communism in the soviet union...

the arabs 🇸🇾 revolt and britain 🇬🇧 helps. 🆘 now the ottoman empire is gone, so 🆘 we 👩‍👩‍👦‍👦 can give the jewish people 👭 a place 🚮 to live. hopefully the arabs 👳‍♀️ won't mind. 🤯

"let's cut ✂️ the cake!" 🥮 said sykes and picot, carving 🏎 up the remains of the not-so-ottoman-anymore-empire. 🚯

except turkey! 🦃 turkey 🦃 makes a brand ™️ new 🇵🇬🇵🇬🇵🇬 turkey!

and then the saudis 🇸🇦 conquer arabia. 🇸🇦 it 🚮 just seemed like 🥰 the right ▶️ thing to do.

phone rings

hello? 👋 yes, 🆗 it's the 1920's calling. 🤙 let's get 🉐 to a car 🏎 and drive to a party 🍕 and listen 👂 to jazz 🎷 on the radio 📻📻📻 and go to the movies. 🎥 the economy is great 🇬🇧 and it 🚮 will probably be great 🇬🇧 forever. ♾ just kidding.

germany's back, 🤚 featuring hitler, 👊 the angry 👿😡 mustache 👨 model, and he's 💁‍♂️ mad 😡 at the jews for existing.

japan ⛩ is finally conquering the east, 🌏 and they're so 🆘 excited, they 💁 rape nanking way 🌌 too hard. they 👩‍👩‍👦‍👦 should probably just deny ❎ it. 🚮

hitler's out 😝 of control, 🎛 so 🆘 the international 🌍🌐 community tackles him and tries to explain to him why killing all of the jews is a bad 🦹‍♀️ idea. 💡 but he 💁‍♂️ kills 🚬 himself because they 💁 could explain it 🚮 to him. that's world 🌐 war two!

bonus round! 🔃 pacific showdown

united states 🇺🇸 vs. japan 🇯🇵

FIGHT!!

united states 🇫🇲 drops 💦 two 👬👬👬 extinction balls 🥎🎾 on japan

FINISH HIM!

let's unite all the nations 🇸🇿 and have 🈶 some world peace! seems legit.

"hi, im gandhi, and if britain 🇬🇧 doesn't get 🉐 the hell out 😛😝 of india, 🇮🇳 i'm going to starve myself in public." 🚅🚉🚅🚉🚅🚉

britain leaves

"wow, 😮❗ that worked?"

bonus! now there's pakistan. 🇵🇰 actually two 2️⃣ pakistans, 🇵🇰 one 1️⃣ of them can be bangladesh 🇧🇩 later. 🕧🕧🕧

the jews and the arabs 🇸🇾 finally figured out 😝😜 which one 1️⃣ of them should live in the holy land. 🛫 "me!" they 👩‍👩‍👦‍👦 both said at the same time. ⌛🕗 let's divide ➗➗➗ up the lands so 🆘 we're both happy. 😺 SIKE! they 👩‍👩‍👦‍👦 both get 🉐 angrier!

look 👁 out, 😛 china! 🍚 there's a new 🇳🇿 china 🇨🇳 in china. 🇨🇳 what's 😦 on the menu? communism! no 🔕 thanks, 🙌 said the other china, 🇨🇳 escaping to an island. 🇲🇵 i 😀 wonder which one 1️⃣ is the real china...?

there's the korean war. korea 🇰🇷 versus korea! 🇰🇷 nobody wins, 🏆 then its 🚮 on pause ⏸ forever. ♾

let's meet the sponsors. oh, it's the two 👬 global superpowers. 🦸‍♀️🦸‍♂️ they're having 🈶 a friendly debate over 🤭 which economic 📉 system is good ✨❇️ and which one 🔂 is an evil 🙉🐍 virus of satan. and they 👩‍👩‍👦‍👦 both have 🈶 atom ⚛ bombs. 💥 FIGHT!! wait, 🚏 no, 📭🙅 that would be the end 🔚 of the world. 🌎 let's just keep it 🚮 cool 👍🕶 and spy 🕵️‍♀️ on each other instead. and make sure we 🌿 have 🈶 enough atom ⚛ bombs. 💣

"i'll race 🚵‍♀️🏍 you 🤟 to space." 🌕👨‍🚀

united states 🇺🇸 plants 🎍 a flag 🇸🇧 on the moon

now let's make more ➕ countries fight 🥊 themselves.

europe is tired 😴 of pillaging other continents, and the continents they 💁 were pillaging are 👉 tired 😪💤 of being pillaged. so 🆘 here's 📍 a new 🇵🇬 map 📍 with new 🇳🇨 countries. now you 😊🤟 can't tell 🗣 who they're being pillaged by.

the united 🇺🇳🇦🇪 states 🇺🇸 finally decided whether racism is good 🆗 or bad. 🦹‍♂️ they 💁 decided it's bad, 〽️ and the world 🌎 agrees. ☑️ south 🇿🇦 africa 🇿🇦 might need another minute to think 🗯 about it. 🚮

let's check ✔️☑️ the world 🌍 population!

woah. okay. 👌

technology 📱 is better 🎰 too, that might keep happening.

the soviet union 🇪🇺 decides to relax ☺️ a little, and accidentally falls ⛅ apart.

europe makes a union, 🇪🇺 so 🆘 now they 👩‍👩‍👦‍👦👩‍👩‍👦‍👦👩‍👩‍👦‍👦 can all use the same money. 💸 except britain, 🇬🇧 because they 👩‍👩‍👦‍👦 don't feel like 💜 it. 🚮

let's check ☑️ the mail... surprise! ❕😮 it's on the computer! 🤖

whoops, 🤭 someone just attacked america. 🇺🇸 i 😀 bet 🎰 they'll remember that.

phone 🤳 call! 📲 surprise! ❗🤨 it's in your pocket! wanna learn 📖 everything? surprise! ❕🤭 it's on the computer! 🖱 now your phone's 📳 a computer, 🖱 which is in your pocket!

whoops, 🤭 the economy just crashed. don't worry, the big banks 🏧 won't fail, 💩 because they're not 🚯 supposed to.

surprise!... flying 🚁 robots. 🤖 with bombs. 💣

wanna print 🐾 a brain? 🧠

some people 👨‍👧‍👧👬 have 🈶 no ❌ friends. 🐕 some people 👨‍👩‍👦‍👦 have 🈶 no 🙈 food. 🌶🥩 the globe 🌏 is warming, ♨️ and the ocean 🦑 is full 🌝 of plastic!

"let's save 🔖🔖🔖 the planet!" 🌕🌔 said everybody, not 🚯 knowing how.

"let's invent a thing inventor," said the thing inventor inventor after being invented by a thing inventor. that's pretty cool. 😎

by the way, 🌌 where the hell are 👉 we? 🤔🤔🤔

thanks for watching ⌚👁 history

i hope 🙏 i 😀 mentioned everything

Submitted August 26, 2020 at 08:16PM by THEAppleMan_ via reddit https://ift.tt/3lm58gP

#IFTTT #reddit

0 notes