#also probably not until 10/11 grade when I had a teacher who was open about her disability

[ameliathefatcat]

Question when was the first time you had a teacher with a disability? And were they open about it?

[jess-rewatches-prodigalson]

Alma Mater (S2, E3)

My time-stamped thoughts for this episode. As always I reference Malcolm’s mental health. A lot. So if that’s going to be a trigger for you, don’t keep reading. 

SPOILERS AHEAD:

0:20 - There’s no way Martin is actually going to escape Claremont until AT LEAST the season finale.

0:55 - Anyone else annoyed that Ainsley isn’t in Martin’s fantasy? I mean - it’s completely in character but it still pisses me off. 

1:49 - I’m sorry - what? How will pouring Malcolm a drink help this fictional situation?

2:00 - Malcolm ruining Martin’s fantasy dream is honestly such a mood. 

2:10 - “That little kill joy.” haha 

2:21 - Malcolm has a stationary bike. Of course he does. But why does he listen to the personal trainer lady (who I assume was a recording programmed on the bike)? Malcolm doesn’t seem like he needs praise or motivation to exercise. He probably does it the way I do - mindlessly as a habit. A habit built from the knowledge that if I skip a morning workout I will feel more unsettled and anxious than usual before lunch....and don’t even get me started on how quickly my depressive thoughts escalate. 

2:24 - ....I’m still convinced/hoping that this is a false memory Martin has planted in Malcolm. I’m all for Malcolm whump and Malcolm trauma...but the thought of Gil, the team, and Jessica finding out that Malcolm committed a crime terrifies me. I don’t want him to go to jail. I don’t want Gil and the team to turn their back on him. I don’t want Jessica to blame herself (more than usual).

2:39 - I love that the “Malcolm pretty much only feeds himself liquorice and lollipops” is still canon this season.

2:42 - OMG. That is not a helpful affirmation. Like maybe for anyone? If you’re traumatized/depressed/anxious “consider the past and you shall know the future” is not comforting or inspiring. It’s the opposite.

2:48 - I’m loving how confidently Malcolm has been shutting down Martin’s manipulation. #soproud

2:52 - Anyone else super upset that Martin is the person with whom Malcolm discusses his mental health the most honestly? 

3:12 - Check out the way Mr. David looks at Martin here. Does Mr. David already know about Endicott? Or is he just like, “Bitch, spit it out so I don’t have to keep guessing your current family drama.”?

3:17 - “Let’s have another session today.” .....Does Martin really think he’s Malcolm’s new therapist? DOES MALCOLM THINK THAT? IS THAT WHY HE ISN’T SEEING GABRIELLE? HAS MARTIN MANIPULATED HIM INTO THINKING THAT HE DOESN’T NEED GABRIELLE?!?

3:22 - hahahaha OMG. Mr.David is so done with Martin’s theatrics.

3:32 - Ok so two things:

Martin’s insight on Malcolm’s mental health/coping mechanisms is disturbingly on point. Almost like he’s an attentive, caring, father (which he isn’t). 

How long was Gil outside Malcolm’s door before he knocked? Do you think he overheard Malcolm’s side of the conversation? I kind of hope he did. But only if it means I get to see Gil asking Malcolm about it.

3:50 - “Put me on speaker.” I’m torn. Part of me is so proud of Malcolm for denying Martin’s need for attention....but part of me is living for a Martin/Gil showdown where they fight over Malcolm in front of Malcolm.

3:54 - Ok. So Gil was a jerk last episode but I forgive him. Gil just showed up at Malcolm’s apartment to tell him about a case instead of calling Malcolm. Gil knew Malcolm would be upset. Gil knew that Malcolm needed to hear this in person. <3 My heart is full. <3 

4:12 - Concerned!Gil is everything. Look at how much he cares about Malcolm and what this case will inevitably bring up for Malcolm. You can almost see how badly Gil doesn’t want Malcolm on this case. 

4:13 - “What if I said I need you?” Damn. Gil knows. He knows that Malcolm desperately doesn’t want to ever disappoint Gil. Gil is Malcolm’s hero and, when Malcolm is thinking straight, he’d do anything for Gil. 

4:17 - <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 Gil looks so sad when he notices Malcolm’s hand shaking. Can a heart simultaneously break and heal? 

4:23 - Oh yeah. Gil definitely wanted Brumback dead for what he did to Malcolm. He doesn’t even try giving Malcolm the “you’re being insensitive” look. 

4:42 - Wow. That school is nicer than my university. 

4:47 - Do you think Gil’s been to the school before? To visit and/or pick up Malcolm? ....I really want to believe he did. Gil looks like he’s leading Malcolm through campus. Gil looks like he’s familiar with the campus. Surely that means he visited Malcolm there. Right?

5:17 - So...was the “office under water” thing officially a prank? It’s brutal. Forget the murder, Brumback would’ve expelled kids for that prank. 

5:27 - I love how Dani looks at Gil for clarification here. She’s like, “Malcolm is upset, ranting, and making no sense. I’m not going to set him off further by asking more questions. But I need to know what the hell he’s going on about.”

5:40 - Soooo is JT texting Dani? Or is Tally? I really hope it’s Tally. I hope Dani’s texts are all reading something along the lines of “He won’t stop pacing and panicking. If he doesn’t calm down I’m going to slap him.”

5:43 - I love the look of disbelief that Gil shoots Dani when her phone goes off. haha

5:52 - hahaha Gil so heard Edrisa the first time. He was just giving her a chance to conform to professional social standards. 

6:03 - hahahaha OMG. Edrisa is a treasure.

6:56 - awww Malcolm, baby. :( This boy has so much trauma. I love it. 

7:07 - I’m assuming Malcolm’s ‘high school’ was grades 10-12 (not 8-12 which is common in the area of Canada where I grew up) so that means Tom Payne is currently being passed off as a 15-16 year old. It kinda works. But ngl - I spent most of this scene thinking “could they not hire a kid because of COVID?” 

7:12 - I’m not actually mad that Tom Payne was allowed to play high school Malcolm though. His performance in this scene is really moving. “Be someone new.” :( <3

7:45 - Sooooo Malcolm changed his name before he was legally an adult. If it’s his legal last name (we see “Bright” on pill bottles in S1 so it’s his legal name now at least) Jessica had to have signed the paperwork. Damn. I wish I was there to see that process regardless of when it became his legal last name.

7:49 - Baby Malcolm looks so comforted by Martin’s acceptance of his new name and new school. It breaks my heart. 

8:00 - Wait. There was a teacher who liked Malcolm at this school? The son a serial killer? AND the teacher recognizes Malcolm 15 years later?!? Nah. I don’t buy it. I love Malcolm but I feel like the teachers would’ve avoided developing any sort of relationship with Malcolm even if they didn’t have a problem with him. 

8:05 - Hold up. This school is so fancy. Are you telling me they don’t have outdoor security cameras? Surely those would’ve told you who the suspects for the desk thing were at least. 

8:15 - awwww poor Malcolm looks shattered here. :( 

8:31 - “Easy. Let’s keep an open mind.”  That is pure Dad!Gil energy and I’m here for it. 

8:39 - Of course. Of course Jessica is involved in the rich school. 

8:51 - I’m on Gil and Malcolm’s side here. Jessica is putting her reputation over Malcolm’s mental health. Shame on her. No no. I will not stand for this - and neither will Gil. Damn. Look at how pissed he is on Malcolm’s behalf. <3 So sweet. 

9:06 - “Pop-pop’s aquatic center”!?!? Soooo is Pop-pop Jessica’s grandfather or Malcolm’s? Either way give me more information about the extended family. Are they dead? Did they disown them after the Surgeon business? I WANT ANSWERS FEDAK. 

9:15 - I swear. Malcolm is the best son/brother ever. The sacrifices he makes for his Mom/sister are unreal. Also - how much do you want to bet that Malcolm was thinking about the Endicott murder coming out when Jessica said, “how soon until they connect that back to me?”. Malcolm looks so sad here. 

9:23 - Nah. I don’t like Delaney. Even on the first watch I was put off by him. Something about him just creeps me out. He’s showing a weird amount of affection for Malcolm 15 years after Malcolm finished school. IDK maybe I was just upset that someone was trying to mimic Gil’s relationship with Malcolm? 

9:27 - oooooooohhhhh Mom and Dad are fighting. hahaha Malcolm looks so uncomfortable. Gil looks livid. Is Gil pissed because Jessica dumped him or because she totally just neglected Malcolm’s well-being for her own? Probably both. Either way, it’s endlessly entertaining. 

9:53 - I’m on Gil’s side here. She dumped him (like a f**ing moron) because she “doesn’t want to hurt him” and because she’s “broken” and “cursed”. Yet - she manipulates her way into cases. Making her business Gil’s. Gil should be pissed - she broke his heart. Again. Like he’s literally been choosing to hang out with Malcolm, Jessica’s (let’s face it) broken son, for more than 20 years. Jessica’s crazy if she thinks that she’s going to get Gil killed or hurt just because she’s a Whitly. Malcolm’s technically a Whitly - Gil hasn’t died yet. 

10:15 - “Not usually.” Dang. That was icy.

10:50 - Yo this is one messed up bible study. Take it from someone who has attended many young adult/teenage bible studies. This is crazy. Usually it’s: read the bible for 5-10 minutes as a group, discuss how you interpreted it for 15-20 mins, pray as a group for 5 mins, then like an hour of tea/coffee, cookies, board games, and general chatting about normal stuff like romance, school, and personal drama. 

11:44 - “Poor Tally.” hahaha I’m willing to bet that Tally is texting Dani - not JT. I just can’t imagine a panicking, first-time father, texting his little sister with accurate medical details about his wife’s pre-labour experience. He’s probably way too panicked to remember the medical jargon that is “foley ballon”.

12:00 - I’ve watched this scene about 30 times. I’m in love with it. Tom Payne’s performance is haunting and I’m a sucker for emotional whump. I love how Dani is concerned about Malcolm but respectful enough to pry until he shuts down. I love Malcolm’s little speech about the hand tremor (even though it doesn’t make sense because baby Malcolm’s hand was shaking when Shannon interrogated him - but that’s a whole different can of worms I’m not going to rant about).

 12:39 - Does anyone else think it’s weird that there’s a bolt on the closet door? Why isn’t there a lock in the door handle like every other interior school door? I mean, I guess it’s because they can be unlocked from the inside and Nicky would’ve needed a key....but still. The things I forgive for the sake of plot. 

13:25 - Damn. Brumback was a real jerk. “I know what you really are.” Do you know how painful that would be for Malcolm to hear? Regardless of what he almost did to Nicky? Everywhere Malcolm goes people accuse him of being just like his father. Is it surprising that in a moment of weakness, with teenage hormones, Malcolm snapped and said, “Eff it. They think I’m a murderer anyways.”

13:26 - OMG. How bad were the kids at this school?!?! Brumback expelled so many kids. Holy hell. Also - Brumback is wearing a wedding ring. Did he get divorced before he died? Did his wife pass away before him? Why was his family not part of this investigation at all?

13:31 - Brumback writing “Malcolm Whitly” instead of Malcolm Bright is....ouch. I just. My heart breaks for Malcolm.

13:37 - OMG. Traumatized people going through PTSD flashbacks should not be unattended next to a pool of water. Honestly - I thought our boy was going to drown. Which the whumper in me would’ve loved but also I don’t think it was right for the plot on this one. 

14:38 - Martin is such a liar. He definitely thinks he’s God’s gift to the Earth. 

15:02 - Martin knows a lot about the security zones. Something tells me this isn’t the first time he’s contemplated escaping. 

15:04 - Oh shit. Daryl has an imaginary cell mate. I know that’s a serious mental illness and I shouldn’t laugh but OMG. The moment Martin realizes that Daryl is delusional is priceless. hahahaha

15:25 - How much to do want to bet Mr. David has a red key card? Martin’s grin confirms it. 

15:40 - Wow. The classrooms in this high school are really big. I would’ve thought this fancy private school would have smaller class sizes.

15:49 - YES. OMG. Malcolm walking into that classroom soaking wet is golden. *chef’s kiss* Look at Gil’s face - it’s a mixture of concern and disbelief. He’s soooo worried about Malcolm right now. <3 

16:07 - It’s a good thing Malcolm’s rich because that phone is never going to be useful again. 

16:20 - ahhahahaha OMG. WTF. Gil’s little twinkle-finger wave is hilarious. 

16:38 - This whole scene Gil is just staring at Malcolm with so much concern. It warms my cold, dead heart. <3

16:46 - Do you think Malcolm looked for his name in the book? Is it the same book? Do you think Brumback expelled enough kids that this is a new black book?

17:08 - Ok. So I immediately don’t like Louisa. That level of confidence and self-absorption is very unattractive. 

17:25 - Louisa volunteers in the library. That’s how she got access to the poison. 

17:35 - “Dude. You’re dripping.” “Yeah. Water does that.” Can Malcolm be this sassy every episode?!? I’m living for it. 

17:57 - “Boys right? Oof” haha I love Malcolm talking to teenagers. I want it in every episode. ALSO - the jock’s story about the two girls - I’m sorry, but I just don’t see how that an expulsion level offence unless the kid is leaving something out of the story. 

18:31 - Of course they talked about this before they came there. DELANEY WARNED THEM. But mostly to keep his little cheating ring hush hush. 

18:55 - And just like that we’ve been blessed with Malcolm in casual clothes. Wish I could’ve seen Gil question Malcolm’s swim though. 

19:26 - OMG. Edrisa is such a cute little nerd. <3 Protect her at all costs. 

20:00 - Gil and Jessica arguing is amazing. I’m loving it and hating it. Because I want them to live happily ever after in a fairytale world but I do enjoy the drama. 

20:06 - hahaha look at how Jessica just pushes Gil to the side and plows on to Malcolm. This woman is fierce.

20:11 - Yes. Yes Malcolm. Tell Mom she has unrealistic and insensitive expectations of you.

 20:18 - What kind of school is this?!? The board of trustee members are buddy buddy with the students?!? 

20:22 - “They’re all from impeccable families.” “So was I” Mic drop. Watch Malcolm drop the truth bombs. This is maybe the best line in this episode. 

20:30 - “And just like you - none of them is capable of murder.” .....well this sentence is going to come back and bite Jessica in the butt later this season. 

20:44 - The fact that these kids think Edrisa is a freshman is actually hilarious to me. 

20:50 - OMG. “Welcome to boarding school. Bitch.” I was ready for Louisa to die right here. She just punched Edrisa and then called her a bitch. No no no. Edrisa is a quirky treasure and we must protect her. 

21:00 - Damn. I wish we got to see the team’s reaction when they found out one of their teenage suspects assaulted their favourite M.E.

21:10 - Why is it soooo attractive when Malcolm wears casual shirts under a suit jacket? 

21:53 - “My vote is for Louisa. The girl’s got a heavy fist.” hahaha I love Edrisa. SO SO much. 

22:05 - Soooo is Jessica some sort of consultant now? They used her to interview cult extractors and now rich, teenage murder suspect. Is she the “rich person investigator” now?

22:11 - Does Louisa know that Malcolm is Jessica’s son?

23:04 - Louisa is a bad liar. 

24:15 - Delaney should be ashamed. He told Nicky who Malcolm’s dad was. He is the reason that Malcolm got locked in a closet for 3 days. He is the reason Malcolm is claustrophobic. This man should have his teaching license seized and be charged with child abuse. What he did was absolutely despicable. 

24:35 - “My mom’s sending a car.” It’s nice that Malcolm doesn’t always refer to Jessica as “mother”

25:00 - This is heartbreaking. I hope Nicky got expelled. If he didn’t - Malcolm experience a bigger injustice than we were lead to believe. Look at Nicky walking away from Malcolm. That kid has no remorse. I don’t blame Malcolm for seeking revenge. Malcolm keeps getting burned by people. Something had to give eventually.

25:30 - The biggest crime this episode committed is that we only saw Malcolm getting comfort from DELANEY. Honestly. Where was my papa Gil moment?!? Or a Dani+Malcolm moment?!?

25:51 - I doubt Delaney tried to stand up for Malcolm. He probably encouraged the expulsion. 

26:05 - “Please.” Yikes. This has been torturing Malcolm for years. Who sold him out? Who ruined his last chance at a happy childhood? Who allowed him to be traumatized further? Who gave him the hand tremor (assuming we’re ignoring the S1 canon). 

26:38 - What. A. Getaway. This school is full of crazy rich kids.

26:55 - “This time”?!? Doesn’t Martin always root for the killer?

27:05 - I love everything about this interaction between Martin and Malcolm. I love how upset Malcolm is. I love how Malcolm calls out Martin for being a bad dad. I love that Martin just sits there and takes it. Martin even looks a little sad. It makes me wonder - did Martin know about Delaney’s cheating ring? Did Martin manipulate Delaney into thinking Malcolm was a threat and convince him to get Malcolm expelled? I can see Martin doing it. If for no other reason than to tarnish the “Milton legacy” at Remington. 

28:04 - UGH. I want to see how Malcolm got out of that closet SO BAD. Who found him? How close to death was he? PLEASE TELL ME IT WAS GIL. Why didn’t Jessica investigate when Malcolm didn’t show up at the Hamptons as planned? 

28:13 - “How you wish that were true.” Ouch. Martin is a real asshole. He knows just how to destabilize Malcolm’s confidence. 

28:56 - Even now, Martin is trying to manipulate Malcolm. Their relationship is so dysfunctional, beautiful, heartbreaking, and complex. I could watch them interact forever. 

29:31 - Look at that little head shake from Mr. David. Martin’s cell is not soundproof. Mr. David heard everything. Mr. David always hears everything. Mr. David knows about Endicott. Istg. 

30:12 - Delaney is a scumbag. He might not be a serial killer but he’s another male, adult asshole who gained Malcolm’s trust and then stabbed him in the back. 

30:37 - OK. So I know, I’ve been hypothesizing that Mr. David is an ally to Martin’s crazy schemes, or that he worked for Endicott, or that Martin is going to try to kill Mr. David. BUT YO. IF MR. DAVID DIES I WILL THROW HANDS. HE’S SUCH A GREAT CHARACTER. 

31:40 - This is a weirdly fancy room for video games. Also I miss JT. He should be here. I wish he was here. He would’ve been so good in this episode. Can you imagine his facial expressions and comments when he finds out little tidbits about Malcolm’s teenage past?! It would’ve been comedic GOLD. Couldn’t Tally give birth during a less interesting episode?!?! 

32:15 - I’m convinced that Malcolm isn’t actually upset that Delaney’s crime is running the cheating ring. I think Malcolm’s upset because he just realized the only positive male role model (aside from Gil) that he had as a teenager was a manipulative liar who betrayed him. Malcolm just realized that this dude never cared about him and he’s crushed.

32:27 - Wait. Does Delaney make the kids pay him for the answers? Because that actually makes sense. 

33:08 - This whole scene where Molly runs out of the back room and Dani says, “who are you running from?” is really cringey to me. 

33:19 - Oh great. Now the guy who betrayed Malcolm is touching the back of Malcolm’s neck. JUST LIKE GIL DOES. Well....something tells me that’s going to taint how comforting Malcolm find’s that gesture coming from Gil for a while. Malcolm just isn’t allowed to be happy. Even for a moment. It’s a shame. I also love it. 

33:40 - Awww...poor Malcolm is claustrophobic and he gets locked in the vault with a dying man. Look how desperate he is to get out of there - to save Delaney and to save himself more mental distress. 

33:53 - Look at Malcolm panicking here. He tries to hide his panic as concern for Delaney but he’s clearly freaking out about being trapped in a smallish space. 

34:25 - Yep. Malcolm didn’t think he could trust Daryl because Daryl is delusional. SO Martin threatens to murder Daryl and then metaphorically stabs the dude in the back. This is perfectly in character. 

35:25 - Damn. Louisa is seriously mentally ill. She has zero empathy. 

35:57 - Malcolm projecting his mental issues on the killer du jour is always simultaneously cringey and amazing to me. 

36:26 - I’m not going to lie. Daryl screaming “He’s a Judas” as he was dragged away was hilarious. 

37:04 - Holy shit. This took a turn. I’ll be honest - I don’t blame Malcolm for almost killing Nicky. But it does scare me. 

38:35 - That story must have been haunting Malcolm for 15 years. I bet you he’s never told anyone not even Gabrielle. He’s had nightmares about it. Because he knows he’s capable of murder. Just like Martin. That terrifies Malcolm more than anything in the world. 

39:12 - sooooo Delaney just heard that whole confession. Delaney lives. Something tells me this is going to be a problem for Malcolm when Endicott’s murder is investigated later in the season.

39:35 - “Are you insane?” “Maybe.” That’s it. That’s the show. 

40:00 - Two questions: 1) Where is Dani? 2) Why does Gil not know where Malcolm is right now?

40:22 - Look Fedak screwed us over. We didn’t get to see Gil find Malcolm half-dead on the floor of that library vault. BUT this scene almost makes up for it. 

40:24 - Malcolm wrapped in a blanket is so so cute. I just want to hug him. I want Gil to hug him. Ugh. <3 

40:28 - I love that you can tell that Malcolm and Gil have had this sort of discussion about Malcolm’s sense of self-preservation numerous times in the past. Gil looks sooooo pissed. And concerned. 

40:35 - Malcolm’s imitation of Gil makes me so so so so happy. I just. Ugh. It’s adorable. Look at how exasperated it makes Gil. Look at Dani’s reaction to it. This might be the greatest “found family”. scenes this show has given us to date. 

40:55 - “All in a day’s work.” Oh yeah. Gil is super concerned about Malcolm’s mental state. Gil is Worried. I want to see more of it. 

40:57 - I love that Dani just can’t wait anymore. She’s so precious. Look at how excited she is about JT’s baby. <3 I’m in love. She’s so soft here - it’s beautiful and rare for this show to let the audience see this side of Dani. 

41:00 - GIL’S REACTION. <3 OMG. I LOVE HIM. HE LOOKS SO HAPPY. I HOPE JT AND TALLY DUB HIM THE BABY’S UNOFFICIAL GRANDFATHER. 

41:02 - MALCOLM’S FACE. <3 <3 <3 IS THIS THE FIRST TIME HE’S EVER SEEN A BABY? HE’S SO ENAMORED WITH THIS CHILD ALREADY. LOOK AT HOW MUCH MALCOLM ALREADY LOVES JT’S KID. <3 <3 IT’S SO SOFT. I LOVE IT SO SO SO SO MUCH. 

41:22 - I can’t decide about this scene. On one hand - I think it’s really mature of Malcolm to apologize to Martin. It’s a courtesy that Martin doesn’t deserve. ON THE OTHER HAND - I wonder if Malcolm is only apologizing to throw Martin off balance. I wonder if this is Malcolm’s attempt to manipulate Martin for once. Either way - I love it. 

42:25 - Martin always gets the last word. He always worms his way into Malcolm’s brain and screws with Malcolm’s sense of self. I hate it. But I also find it so captivating. 

43:05 - Sooooo is Martin committing the murder next episode? Or is he just manipulating someone else to commit a murder? Either way - I’m excited. 

If you read this far - I’m flattered. I also think you’re a little crazy. But thanks for hanging out. 

[work-life-harmony]

Harmony Journal/Blog Posts

9/8/21

“I Stress, Eustress, We All Stress”

It is two days past my 42nd birthday and the eve before the start of another school year.  And I anticipate it is going to be a year like no other.  There is a tremendous amount of uncertainty that I am feeling at the moment.  Personally, I am in the thick of things trying to raise my twelve year-old daughter and blend ourselves with my fiancee and her two children.  It has not been easy.  My daughter has dealt with anxiety ever since she was little.  Her mom passed away two months after her second birthday and it’s hard to know whether her personality has been shaped in part because of the void my wife’s passing created.  Now that she is entering adolescence, a certain alchemy of anxiety, anger, and depression has yielded some chaos in our household.

That the pandemic happened to coincide with the time in her life where she is feeling the hardest is unfortunate.  Did the lockdown and disruption to our lives exacerbate her feelings of anxiety and anger?  It’s probably a safe bet that it did.  So that has been a major area of concern and frustration for me.

On the professional side of things, although last year was difficult for many teachers, and I certainly had my frustrations, I was in a fairly good place mentally.  There were some aspects to the school year that I actually found novel and enjoyed, such as the ability to sleep later, roll out of bed and teach from my kitchen table.  Conversely, the new routine allowed me to develop some habits that were not healthy, including daily rituals such as making and drinking light and sweet coffee and having a serving or two of ice cream nightly between dinner and bed.  Furthermore, I seemed to become a slave to my phone.  Although I’ve had the willpower to delete apps such as Facebook off of my phone in the past, the last few years I became addicted to the news...and Instagram...and checking my email.  One concerning consequence of the pandemic is that I’ve lost my concentration stamina.  If I start something, particularly work related, it only takes a few minutes before I feel compelled to get up and do something else, even just for a half minute.  Of course this breaks my rhythm of work and I’m unable to achieve any kind of flow.  And, worse, sometimes I find that I mean to do something, such as check the weather, but when I open up a tab to do it, I have completely lost what I meant to do when I opened the tab.  Scary!

With the start of the new school year, I intend to turn over a new leaf so to speak by approaching different aspects of my professional and personal life with an eye towards my well-being: physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.  The forthcoming journal entries will chronicle the conscious changes that I am making in order to foster more harmony in my life and a stronger sense of well-being.  Part of that will be my investment in activities that help me achieve a sense of flow, including but not limited to music, reading, and immersing myself in nature.

9/16/21

“Time In a Bottle”

As the school year has started, the typical looseness of my summer days has come to an abrupt end.  However, there are some benefits to the structure of my school days.  My body has started to adjust to my new routine, and although the school day seems to necessitate a routine, there are conscious choices that I’m making to build a healthy daily schedule.  I am up at 5:30 on weekday mornings and in bed reading by 10 pm, a major shift from previous school years in which I would stay up until 11 or later watching television before hopping in bed to fall asleep.  Although I’m still adjusting to this new routine (as the school year is still young), I am recognizing an easier relationship with waking up in the morning.  As noted in the course, avoiding screens before bedtime contributes to a better sleep and I am finding that I am waking up more rested and ready to meet the day.  

An interesting stressor at the start of the school year, before my body has fully adopted the new schedule, is my anxiety that I will somehow miss my morning alarm.  I’m the first one in the house who is up in the morning, and no one is coming to wake me in time for my early day if my alarm fails me.  Thus, the first week (or two) of the school year leave me sleeping lightly and somewhat anxiously.  I continue to add measures into my routine, such as meditation and muscle relaxation practices to help ease my mind.  Additionally, I have quieted my mind before falling asleep by acknowledging the things that I am grateful for.  This will be touched upon in more depth in a forthcoming journal entry, but there is tremendous value in gratitude.  Lori Santos, a renowned professor at Yale University who teaches the highly sought course “The Science of Well-Being,” acknowledged in an article for Newsweek Magazine, “Grateful people tend to be happier and show lower levels of stress hormones like cortisol. Health care workers who keep a gratitude journal show reductions in stress and depression. And people suffering from chronic pain who practice gratitude show improvements in both sleep quality and mood” (Santos). It has become an important strategy for me to ease the chronic stress and anxiety of life which gets exacerbated at the start of a new school year.  

With each day, it does become easier to sleep peacefully and I suspect that soon my eyes will open a minute before my alarm rings.  I am also pleased to report that rising before the sun comes up has been easier than in years past.  Typically, trying to get out of bed in the dark has always been difficult and miserable.  Of course, it may return to misery as winter sets in and leaving a warm bed is a shock to the system, but for now I am happy to report that the newly adopted schedule for this school year is working well.  

On a more professional side of things, I have been working on my planning as it regards daily obligations.  For instance, the adoption of daily to-do lists has helped me to stay better focused on items that need attention; efficient about tending to, and completing, those items; and avoid being frazzled like I have been in the past because the ideas bounce around my brain but have not been concrete since they aren’t visibly posted somewhere.  The morning ritual of composing a daily to-do list has really been beneficial for me.  An example of items that I’ve included on lists include: grade seven essays today, photocopy “Heroes” article, email Nina’s guidance counselor, drop two books in Mari’s mailbox, hit the supermarket with grocery list, and call the car dealership.  Furthermore, I’ve been diligent about staying on top of the “house calendar” to not only make sure that all family events are noted on the calendar, but also to consult the calendar every day as part of my daily routine to see what obligations members of the household have that day and in the near future.  This is an indispensable part of our lives and internal harmony.  For instance, my daughter’s “picture day” is tomorrow.  Since it is listed on the calendar, we can save ourselves stress and frustration by potentially being caught off guard that pictures are being taken tomorrow.  Heaven forbid my daughter arrive at school with no inkling that it is picture day, likely exacerbating her stress/anxiety because she feels unprepared.  These measures have been part of my process for winning back time and peace of mind.  

With that in mind, it is going to be a school long objective to work on organization skills with my students.  In particular, I have two sections of remedial sophomore English classes.  A good percentage of these students have IEPS or other individualized plans to help them be successful in their high school classes.  It is not uncommon to see a personalized modification that revolves around breaking down big concepts and keeping them on task.  For this reason, we’ve established a routine of taking out binders/notebooks at the start of every class period.  They need reminders, but it is with the purpose of establishing healthy and productive habits that they can carry with them for a lifetime.

9-19-21

“Love May Know No Bounds, But a Teacher Better Set Some”

The financial wizard Warren Buffet has been quoted, “The difference between successful people and really successful people is that really successful people say no to almost everything."  While there’s probably a bit of overstatement to Buffet’s claim, one can’t deny that from an “American Dream” point of view that he is considered a success.  Thus, there must be some truth behind his words which reinforce the Module 3 concept of boundary-setting.  With the rise of technology, be it e-mail or Google classroom, students have greater accessibility to their teachers.  In fact, everyone has greater accessibility to teachers.  Compounded by the fact that part of last year was taught remotely, the boundaries of the school day almost ceased to exist.  Fortunately, the summer has been a quiet time to turn away from professional demands, but with the new school year upon us,  I feel it is going to be important to counter the feeling of always being tied to work.  For this reason, boundary-setting is going to be a priority for me.  My first concern is to establish that I will not be addressing professional inquiries/issues on weekends or days off.  Of course, this will be somewhat of a test at the start of the school year because I’m also conscious of the anxiety that arises when my inbox fills up with issues that need attention.  But branching off of the time-management piece of the puzzle, I hope to create effective solutions in my approach to time and boundaries.

When I started my career as a teacher, I recall a colleague noting that teaching is a twelve month job condensed down to ten months.  Thus, the school day doesn’t truly end with the last bell.  There is much to get done between planning, grading, and tending to all of the extra aspects of teaching.  Even as a veteran teacher, it is virtually impossible to complete all of my professional needs during school hours.  In fact, the demands of being a school teacher may feel endless at times.  This is why it is so important to set boundaries.  Granted, when you have children of your own, as I do, priorities tend to shift.  But, even so, most caring teachers yearn to give 110% to their schools and students.  The phrase that comes to mind when that happens is “slave to your work.”  This is a recipe for stress and potential unhappiness, so it becomes incumbent upon teachers to set boundaries and strike a balance between personal and professional life.  This school year, I feel I’ve done a nice job of making my nights and weekends sacred.  I use my time at school effectively and efficiently, shying away from distractions that keep me from being as productive as possible during school hours.  I have even established practices with classes that have helped in this regard.  For instance, I have designated Friday as an independent reading day for my basic skills classes.  While this is productive for them because it creates an environment that they can do sustained reading of literature that they choose, it also affords me time to catch up on grading and plan for the following week (which would otherwise be happening during my weekend).  The items that I am not able to get to during the school day are addressed during my time at home, but I believe that I am approaching it in a more thoughtful way.  On weekend mornings, I’ve been waking up early as my body adjusts to my 5:30 wakeup routine during the week.  So when I’m up for an hour before the rest of the house, I can attack the items that I didn’t get to during the week.  Needless to say, my approach this year has left me feeling a better sense of control over my professional duties.

9-22-21

“Shake It Off” 

Several years ago the topic du jour in school districts across the country was resilience or grit.  This was pre-pandemic.  As a concept, it hasn’t gotten the same attention as of late, but that does not undercut the importance of resilience and the tools we need to develop in order to persevere.  As noted in Module 3, a growth mindset plus stamina equals achievement.   As part of my journey to better living, particularly during the stressful pandemic, I have landed on, and dedicated myself to, several areas which follow:

Developing habits of self care and compassion for others

As we went into lockdown and found ourselves somewhat trapped in our homes, particularly during the fall and winter, it was easy to lose the habits of self-care that had been so natural in our daily lives.  I have consciously made an effort to develop better habits of self care since taking this course.  Namely, my diet and sleep have been areas of focus.  My daily diet looks something like:

-Greek yogurt with granola and fresh berries for breakfast

-A greens, apple, avocado, grilled chicken and blue cheese salad for lunch

-Apple slices, banana, flavored almonds, and/or pretzel & hummus for an afternoon snack

-Dinner varies, but is typically home-cooked and avoids red meat

Prior to this conscious change, I had no real dietary routine and I recognized the impact it was having on me physically and mentally.  I was leaning hard into sugar and caffeine; beyond the damage it was doing to my body, it was adversely affecting my sleep habits.  Now, however, committed to taking better care of myself, I am cognizant of the synergistic benefits of self-care, especially when times are tough.  

Another area of focus, and one often taken for granted in our well-being, is the power of authentic socializing with others.  While I was lucky to have a full house made up of my fiancee and our three kids which helped me not feel starved for close, authentic social interaction, I still was not feeling completely edified.  Making sure to nurture my relationships, especially with students and colleagues, brings a greater sense of gratification from meaningful interaction.  For instance, last school year, I noticed that one aspect of my school day that was glaringly absent was laughter.  Whether it stems from banter with colleagues or the shenanigans that carry on with a loose and happy classroom of students, last year punctuated how important laughter is on the psyche.  In fact, a line from one of my favorite novels, Ken Kesey’s One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, emphasizes the deep importance of laughter when the protagonist, McMurphy, remarks, “Man, when you lose your laugh you lose your footing.”  While social distancing may have made us inclined to shrink away from people, so much has been lost by cocooning ourselves.  A tremendous part of our mental health is the release we get when laughing.  I have reinvested in that and it has led to the next area of well-being and resilience:

Building a network of positivity

As an extension of that investment into relationships is the support system of those who help to buoy me.  While we know that misery often loves company, we should also recognize that happiness is augmented through company as well.  One of the better pieces of wisdom that I ever found from a fortune cookie fortune was “Joy shared is doubled; grief shared is halved.”  (Does one need to create an APA citation for fortune cookies?  Ha!)  We certainly are better off building a mindset of positivity.  It can be infectious.  And although as the school year neared I was having grim thoughts about what was in store for us, my network of people which includes friends, colleagues, and even students have helped me navigate to a place of harmony.  Sometimes we are our own worst enemy and our brains can be unkind and counterproductive. And sometimes we lose our way which also takes a toll on our sense of being.  That’s why anyone will be better off:

Finding Purpose

Yesterday, I was catching up with my best friend from childhood.  I asked how his mother was doing since she retired three years ago from her position as an anesthesiologist.  My friend’s response was, “She’s deteriorating.”  Granted, this is a woman in her 70s, and time can be cruel.  (My fiancee told me last night that she saw a shirt for sale online that said, “My favorite childhood memory is my back not hurting.”) But the real point of my friend’s words is that once she lost her daily purpose of getting up at 5:30 and doing meaningful work, she became aimless and lost the person that she had been for most of her lifetime.  

Finding purpose is an important element to the senior curriculum I teach as the literature we read in my ELA class forces us to confront the universal themes of purpose and identity.  So much of self-understanding and drive derives from the things that we do.  

Perhaps the best figure to explore the value of purpose is the mythological figure of Sisyphus.  You may know him as the guy who rolls the rock up the hill.  That’s his identity, because that’s what he does.  He is suffering eternal punishment for angering the gods, and they have determined that there is nothing worse than this act of futility.  When Sisyphus completes his task and gets the rock to the top of the mountain, it just rolls back to the other side and he has to collect the rock again and repeat.  Ad nauseum.   However, the French absurdist writer Albert Camus examines Sisyphus as a representation of the everyman.  We all roll our metaphorical rocks only to watch those acts be undone.  We make our beds in the morning.  Wash our dishes.  Mow the lawn.  Go to work.  Day after day after day.  And ultimately, we suffer for no greater good.  However, Camus acknowledges that Sisyphus overcomes his torment if he has his own purpose to the seemingly futile act.  When he steps up to the rock with his own personal motivation, or purpose, then it’s not a punishment.  That’s the value of purpose.  

Fortunately, the profession of education naturally provides purpose as we invest in our students.  And beyond that, I have invested in music and relationships.   These areas of my life have certainly been instrumental in creating a sense of direction and happiness. 

Finally, I believe in:

Continuing to learn, experiment, and grow

Recently, a colleague noted how much she loved being a student and learning.  She pointed out that if she could be a student for the rest of her life, she would do it in a heartbeat.  I feel somewhat similar.  And one of the best aspects of being in the world of education is that I’m consistently being exposed to new ideas and ways of thinking that have satisfied an aspect of my personality that yearns for knowledge.  

When the world came to a screeching halt in the spring of 2020, eager to quench my desire to improve my knowledge and skills, I found just what I was looking for online.  After some searches for guitar instruction on the internet, I stumbled upon a fellow with a channel on youtube that has been somewhat life-changing.  His avuncular disposition and clear explanation of guitar theory has helped me to become a better guitarist and feel a newfound confidence in my playing.  Upon reflection, I’m happy that I dedicated myself to improving my skills because it has paid great dividends and underscores the value of knowledge, experimentation and growth.

I feel lucky that a few of the ideas noted above are organically interwoven into the life of an English literature teacher.  

9-26-21

“The smell of gratitude” - Sensory Awareness, Attitude and Thankfulness

Yesterday, I stepped outside in the morning and immediately recognized that it was a glorious day.  An early morning autumn chill was in the air (my favorite time of year), and the sun dappled the earth through its magnificent golden rays.  Shortly after breakfast, the family hopped in the car and headed north to Warwick, NY.  When we reached our destination, my fiancee and the kids hopped out and spent an hour on an alpaca farm while I drove into Sugar Loaf, the neighboring hippie town.  There, I walked along the main drag in the middle of town and basked in the sunshine between dropping into the different stores.  After picking the family up, we drove back into town and had a delicious lunch before heading home mostly along back roads that traced the shore of a lake that crosses the boundary between NY and NJ.  It was sensational; the only thing that could have made it better is if the foliage had started to turn.  

Days and moments experienced, like yesterday’s outing, force me to return to the lyrics of Neil Peart whose words echo from his band, Rush’s, wonderful song “Time Stand Still”:

Freeze this moment

A little bit longer

Make each sensation

A little bit stronger

Experience slips away...

Experience slips away...

Time stand still

Of course, time doesn’t stand still, so it becomes necessary for us to savor the big and little moments of our lives.  Akin to the Scottish poet Robert Burns’ remark in his poem, “To a Mouse”:

 I backward cast my e’e,

       On prospects drear!

An’ forward tho’ I canna see,

       I guess an’ fear!

We are so busy worrying about our past and futures that we forget to live in the present.  With this in mind, I’ve been practicing the art of savoring.  Right now, as I write, there is the wonderful aroma of pumpkin muffins in the air.  This morning, I relished the hot water pouring down when I took a shower.  And even though I’m allergic to animals, I still felt and savored the buttery softness of the teddy bears made with alpaca fur that the kids got when they were at the farm.  

There are many areas of our lives to be more present and “tune into” in order to achieve a deeper appreciation for the present moment and increase our happiness and well-being.  And, following the advice from the Harmony course to spend time in nature, I find this to be the best time of year to do such a thing.  Thus, I have been spending extra time outdoors, smelling the autumnal air and savoring the beauty of the natural world.  Fortunately, I’ve had the pleasure of teaching Romantic writers whose ideology turned away from the harsh, cold logic of the Age of Reason and towards the wonders of the natural world and the emotions of humankind.  Several poems I teach underscore the value of nature; perhaps no poet celebrates the natural world more than William Wordsworth.  He characterizes the peace found in nature when he says in “Lines Composed a Few Miles Above Tintern Abbey:

how oft—

In darkness and amid the many shapes

Of joyless daylight; when the fretful stir

Unprofitable, and the fever of the world,

Have hung upon the beatings of my heart—

How oft, in spirit, have I turned to thee,

O sylvan Wye! thou wanderer thro' the woods,

         How often has my spirit turned to thee!

I, too, have looked to nature, both literally and figuratively, to counterbalance the “fever of the world.”  I will continue to do so, especially on these glorious autumn days.  And in times when I cannot be out in nature, my spirit can still turn to it and find some internal peace with recollections of how sublime Mother Nature can be. 

9-29-21

Crisis - “A season to build resiliency”

The subheading to this journal entry comes from an Edutopia article written by Jessica Cabeen, “How School Leaders Can Frame Tough Decisions.”  It’s certainly an optimistic mindset in relation to times of struggle or outright crises.  Entering my seventeenth year in education, I could never have predicted what the state of education was going to be over the past few years if I had never lived it.  If we are to understand “crises” as events that cause us to change our routines and threaten our safety, the pandemic certainly fits the bill. 

I’ve had a few other crises since becoming a teacher.  The most recent one was a crisis wrought and then averted by Mother Nature right as this school year was beginning.  When Hurricane Ida swept up the eastern coast of the US, those of us in the metropolitan area had no real warning about the amount of water that the storm was going to dump on us.  At around 8:30 pm, I went into my basement to see streams of water pouring through the basement walls soaking the basement floor as the sump pump struggled to keep up with the quickly rising water table.  Ten years prior, I had a similar experience with Hurricane Irene.  (It dawns on me now that I must really take note when a Hurricane named after the letter I bears down on me that I need to be alert.)  The morning after Irene, I woke up to the items in my basement floating around like they were in a bathtub.  With Ida, I made a mad dash to remove the items from the basement that I could and tried to shift my thinking of helplessness to acceptance.  

You can’t fight Mother Nature.  Thus, I took solace in knowing that I salvaged the things that I could and to not fret about the things that I couldn’t control.  This is perhaps a difficult thing to do, especially in a situation like this as we are naturally conditioned to protect our abodes.  But the mindset is vital part of our wellbeing.  One of the moments from the course on Harmony that really resonated with me was the transference of anxious energy into positive energy.  Rather than feel confined by the heightened energy of anxiety, simply telling yourself “I’m excited” can have a real positive effect.  Certainly, saying “I’m excited” about a hurricane is a ludicrous connection, but attempts to assuage the mind can bear fruit.  In the middle of the madness as Ida was wreaking havoc across NJ, I made a conscious attempt to soothe myself and accept what the fallout was going to be.

From there we are able to learn and grow, and our resilience is definitely tested.  Although we may struggle and even suffer, we have the opportunity to learn and grow from our experiences.  Additionally, when we go through our own trials, we become empathetic.

Given the extreme negative impacts that trauma can have on individuals, especially young people, crises take on a more serious consideration because it’s not just the present crisis that needs attention; the ramifications for the long-term also need to be addressed.  Sometimes checking in is an important step to help others.  For that reason, I spent a couple of class periods talking candidly with my students about their feelings regarding the pandemic.  Not only was it eye-opening, it was also greatly appreciated by my students.  Quite a few students remarked that none of their teachers bothered to check in with them.  They carried on with business as usual, even though the students had bigger things on their minds than math or chemistry or history.  Since then, and with the endorsement of the Harmony course, I have made it a priority to emphasize and invest in the human connection with my students and the other people in my orbit.  

Although the course emphasized a distinction in the connotations of balance and harmony, I do believe that a conscious balancing of different aspects of my routines and choices has led to a more harmonious life.  The school year is off to a great start...a better start than I had hoped.  And, ultimately, I feel a stronger sense of well-being, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

Cited Sources:

Burns, Robert. “To a Mouse.” Poets.org, https://poets.org/poem/mouse. 

Cabeen, J., 2021. How School Leaders Can Frame Tough Decisions. [online] Edutopia. Available at: 

<https://www.edutopia.org/article/how-school-leaders-can-frame-tough-decisions> [Accessed 29 

September 2021].

Gilbert, D. (2021). Stumbling on Happiness: Think You Know What Makes You Happy? 

Alfred A. Knopf.

Kesey, K. (1672). Ken Kesey: One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest (Mass Market 

Paperback); 1989 Edition. Ken Kesey.

Rush. “Time Stand Still.” Peter Collins, The Manor, Oxfordshire, 1987. 

Santos, L. (2020, December 22). Laurie Santos, Yale Happiness Professor, on 5 things that will 

make you happier. Newsweek. Retrieved September 16, 2021, from

https://www.newsweek.com/2021/01/08/laurie-santos-yale-happiness-professor-5-thing

-that-will-make-you-happier-1556182.html. 

Wordsworth, William. “Lines Composed a Few Miles above Tintern Abbey, on Revisiting the 

Banks of the Wye During a Tour, July 13, 1798.” Poets.org, 

https://poets.org/poem/lines-composed-few-miles-above-tintern-abbey-revisiting-banks-

wye-during-tour-july-13-1798. 

[aion-rsa]

The Simpsons Season 32 Episode 12 Review: Diary Queen

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This The Simpsons review contains spoilers.

The Simpsons Season 32 Episode 12

The Simpsons Season 32, episode 12, “Diary Queen,” may be the sweetest offering of the series. It’s not only sentimental and self-esteem-positive, it’s downright edumacational. At least for Bart, who certainly learns a lesson. Thankfully, as the episode explains by example, he probably won’t retain it.

“What’s the matter, Bart? I figure you’d be used to failing by now,” Edna Krabappel once consoled the spiky haired kid who seemed so determined to get through school without schooling. Marcia Wallace, who played the Springfield Elementary teacher, died unexpectedly in October 2013. Edna’s death was first acknowledged in “Four Regrettings and a Funeral,” from season 25, when Bart wrote “We’ll really miss you Mrs. K” on the chalkboard. He only wrote it once. Her death was punishment enough. Both the character and the voice actor were instrumental in the chemistry of The Simpsons, and chemistry happens to be one of the few things Bart’s ever excelled at in school, even pranking a talent show in the “Haw-Haw Land” episode. But he gets his beakers crossed in the latest installment.

“Diary Queen” opens with an inspired West Side Story song parody, “Too Nice” replacing “Tonight.”  It’s time for Ned Flanders’s annual yard sale, and he’s on a holy mission to undersell eBay. Comic Book Guy is looking for a broom to play Quidditch on, Waylen Smithers is going to score some kitsch, and Ned will finally toss those fuzzy dice Maude bought him to the bottom of an impulse item box of jokes he did not get. The Flanders family are parting with their humble possession in a public bid for humility, in case no one notices. Ned gives up Rod’s teeth. Todd consigns his toys to the auction block on the grass. “Playing is a sin that we regret,” one of the Flanders kids explains.

Ned’s bizarre outdoor bazaar is the only segment which has any meanness in it. The Springfieldians want to take advantage of Ned, and openly mock him. Carl and Lenny turn the yard sale into a yarn brawl, and Jimbo’s gang buys commemorative plates just to smash them. It’s enough to send Ned looking for the fans he always carries around in case of stress-induced hot flashes. As Patty and Selma are flicking ashes into Rod and Tod’s baby shoes, it seems Nelson, Bart, and Millhouse are the only ones worthy to buy Ned’s treasured mementos. And, of those, only Nelson’s purchase is authentic. He buys all the bad words, like “adultery” and “fornication,” which Ned cut out of his old religious texts. Nelson has a genuine use for them, you can just tell.

Bart and Millhouse buy the books. Even without the offending admonishments, they swear they’ll still find useful ways to better themselves. Their haul winds up being the fiery centerpiece for a supercool skateboarding feat which no one will ever see. It’s an old joke, but we do get to notice how big Millhouse’s nose looks when he’s picking it. One book, which gives the title to the episode, is spared the conflagration of Bart’s daredevil jump: Edna Krabappel’s diary. Bart recognizes the Ds and Fs, and Millhouse recognizes the smell of Parliament Lights 100s. It’s very telling how these are the most recognizable clues. They are each ready-made character punchlines.

The diary is a font of information. Bart and Millhouse learn all the teachers work night jobs during school hours, and the many lonely secrets of Groundskeeper Willie. But their first use of it is inspired gaggery. Bart learns Superintendent Chalmers keeps his car keys behind the visor. The two kids not only steal the car but take advantage of a free yogurt offer at a car wash. The idea that taking the yogurt and ditching the car is a “perfect crime” is great kids’ logic. It is a little odd, however, that Springfield’s Chief Wiggum sees fourth grade car thieves as inspiration for a little personal time with Officer Lou, but it works within Simpsons logic.

The central point of the episode is Bart’s relationship with his dead teacher, and his relationship with himself. He actually believes someone he thought only saw him as troublesome also considered him “smart as a whip.” It leads him to believe he actually has potential, which he translates to: all the time he was showing his butt he was showing promise. This spurs him into thinking about getting seriously educated. Not only does he try but he succeeds on his first dry run, resisting the urge to draw a skeleton head on a multiple-choice test grid, and getting an A. Not only does he finally understand how his sister Lisa doesn’t suck, but he puts himself on the same level.

Lisa goes through all the stages of jealousy, and even realizes she’s on the verge of obsession when even her imaginary comfort pony begins to look like Bart. This makes it worse, because realizing he is the only thing she can think about only makes her dwell on it. Lisa is usually the family genius, and how she reacts to Bart doing well really depends on the circumstance and need for story conflict. For instance, when Bart had to apply geometry to miniature golf in an early episode, Lisa brought a Zenlike understanding of all things which putt. Lisa does Bart a disservice tonight in the guise of doing the right thing. It’s her MO.

Of course, Marge and Lisa don’t trust Bart’s recent good grades, but while he comes up clean to Marge, Lisa digs up the dirt. Bart correlates “cruel” with “lying” because “they’re both great.” He thinks he’s going to win a Spelling Bee just because he has the potential to do it. Would it have been less cruel for Lisa to let him see how far his belief would get him? She’s set him up for worse humiliations just for an edge at science fairs.

Millhouse gets a few good gags tonight. When Lisa starts developing a rash because of the stress of not crushing her brother’s potential, he pulls cream out of his fanny pack labeled “rash stash.” Groundskeeper Willie is a highlight of the episode. His character has one of the most interesting takes on passive aggressive behavior in comedy. It’s not that he gets it backwards, so much as he pays it forward: Terrorizing Bart with the idea of simmering a new pet into rabbit stew when all he’s thinking of is how much bunnies love stewed carrots.

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Subtle social commentary makes its way into the episode. As this is the first episode since the Trump presidency, it opens with a Bald Eagle flying a sign asking “Is it safe yet?” We learn Ned doesn’t find Bill Maher funny. A priest tells Bart and Millhouse reading someone else’s diary in church is not the worst thing you can do within the hallowed walls. Moments later we see the priest handcuffed and escorted past the pews by the police. We can only wonder what offenses are happening at Reverend Lovejoy’s competition.

Fat Tony (Tony Montagna) tells his henchmen his crime family doesn’t kill children, “We wait till they’re 18.” Lisa is kept up at night by the cold dead eyes of Mike Pence. Subtle subversive commentary can be found when Principal Skinner declares the drug-free portion of the school assembly a success because Lisa, the only one in the auditorium, tells him she doesn’t do drugs. But the scene comes shortly after we learn Dr. Hibbert is pushing kiddie-Xanax “sleepies” and “dopies” on her. The best bad side effects are “Portuguese insolence” and the “tendency to see yourself as others see you.”

The episode has quite a few sight gags which work well. The sign outside the Spelling Bee contest reads H-E-A-R, and we see one of the losing contestants ripping up a dictionary on the way to the exit. When Ned starts to preachify in the treehouse, he only stops because Bart is drawing back a trigger finger on his slingshot. Mrs. Krabappel’s beloved cat not only was not harmed during the making of the episode, but was a willing participant, according to the closing disclaimer. One of the stills in the photo montage is of Krabappel watching The Bob Newhart Show, which Marcia Wallace was a regular on.

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For the majority of The Simpsons’ run, Mrs. Krabappel was a sexually independent woman who was often “looking for a substitute to teach me a lesson I sorely need.” She began dating widower Ned in “The Ned-Liest Catch” from season 22. They married in secret and stayed together until her death in “The Man Who Grew Too Much.” The cause of Edna’s death has never been revealed, except in a non-canon, future-set episode. For this installment, Wallace’s two lines are taken from earlier episodes. “Diary Queen” will be her last appearance.

This is a different kind of arc for The Simpsons. “Diary Queen” is on an uplifting trajectory until Lisa knocks it off course, and ends in a sudden life-affirming crash. Bart’s final warning to Marge, “I’ll go over the edge if you try to make me feel better,” is wonderfully skewered, but the final twist is a dose of treacle. The episode was originally slated to premiere on Valentine’s Day, and is a sweet sendoff.

The post The Simpsons Season 32 Episode 12 Review: Diary Queen appeared first on Den of Geek.

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Growing up, parenting and gaming - Longread on life, computer games and finding yourself

This longread is dedicated to and written for all those current and former kids, who had or have troubles growing up, taking decisions, finding themselves in the world they live in, who play games independently of age and – perhaps – have not lost their love for a good game, good times and good buddies.

Perhaps it will help someone in their life. If that happens – I shall think of this writing as useful and my time writing it as not completely wasted.

The ideas have been on my mind for over 2 years now (they started getting very clear when I started doing therapy) and I have to put them on paper now.

Here it goes.

I grew up in the 90s in Eastern Europe. After the USSR collapsed millions of people found themselves without work, perspectives and means of existence. We were lucky that my dad had a good job that was paid in hard currency, however he was barely home – and by that I mean like seeing him 2 or 3 times a month.

We had good living conditions compared to others and my mom did the best she could too take care of my younger bro and me.

The first time we were exposed to computer games was when I was like 7 and my bro was 5 – in the office where the boyfriend of our aunt has been working. We played Dangerous Dave, Scorched Earth, Socoban, Digger, Civilization, The Incredible Machine and some others I do not recall the names. And of course, we liked it and it did not take long for our dad to install them on his PC at home. 2 years later my best buddy got Doom 2 installed on his PC and that was the absolute blast. We spent weeks trying to figure out how to get through level 2 and it was a big holiday when our buddy finally did.

My dad tried to restrict TV and computer time per week, so we always opted for the PC. Over time I learned to turn it on by myself and play when there was no one at home. My dad did not know.

A couple of our friends had 8bit consoles - soviet bootlegs of Super Nintendoes, with TMNT and Chip n Dale, but that was probably it. After all, we were living in a small village with not that many possibilities to make money.

When I was 10 we moved to a bigger city into a 1 room apartment. All 4 of us. This was 1996. 2 other very important things:

We started going to a far bigger school than before, where the mood was totally different from what we were used to. We were bullied and beaten, could not get along with other pupils and teachers and no one actually cared.

Father was home every day.

We started going to a far bigger school than before, where the mood was totally different from what we were used to. We were bullied and beaten, could not get along with other pupils and teachers and no one actually cared.

Father was home every day.

I mean, father was present home every day. It is not like he spent time with us doing sports or whatever. He just had any idea what to do with us as this was his first long time exposure to kids in the 11 years we were a family.

He was more of an authoritarian guy – we were not supposed to waste time in gaming clubs, listen to stupid music (Prodigy, Beastie Boys), we should have studied well, read books, have been doing sports and in general act like good kids.

We were doing some martial arts sports cause mom brought us there. We were taking music classes cause “everyone has to”. We were supposed to help out at home. We were not supposed to hang out with “bad” kid or stay outside till late hours. We were not supposed to smoke, swear and simulate illness to miss classes. We were not supposed to get into trouble.

It is not like we were putting a lot of thought into it. We just moved to the city from rural area and frankly speaking were absolutely not happy about. I guess we just went with the flow.

This was also the time when the first “gaming spot” in town opened – they had 2 Sega Mega Drives II and 1 Sony PlayStation. MK3, MK3 Ultimate, Contra Hard Cops, Golden Axe, some samurai fighting games for the Sega. SPS – Red Alert, Twisted Metal, Duke Nukem, Doom and of course – an incredible breakthrough for its time – Quake 2. And that was a revelation. I recall mom giving us money from time to time. To go play. Sega cost like 1 buck and hour, SPS – 1,5 bucks – far more expensive, so we played mainly on Sega.

At the same time we did have some games at home – Doom, Power Formula 1, Lines, the same Civilization, Lion King, Alladin, Indiana Jones and the Fate of Atlantis, Gods and Dune 2000. Dad did not want to allow us play games. Like, at all. Don’t ask me why he never deleted the games. The PC was mainly used for him to work. So when he left home, he took the power cable of the monitor and closed it in his spare suitcase. What we did was to unplug the cable from the printer and use for the monitor. Later on he hid both cables – from the monitor and the PC in the suitcase. I found a way to open the suitcase with a very fine flat screwdriver. Mom hid the fact from our dad for a while until he noticed the suitcase was “broken”. I believe they did not speak with each other for a week. But I am still proud of the fact of cracking that suitcase! Fuck yeah!

Things started getting worse when I transferred to a lyceum - 1998. I was 12. This was like a gymnasium for hardcore science-kids, where they went deep into math and natural sciences. I was hysterical the first 2 years as I was barely making the program. Even my dad had troubles solving the math they gave us. Music classes turned to shits. I had no time nor mood for sport. But I had to keep doing it all. Just because. There were a couple of bullies in class, whose parents bribed the management of the school so that their kids would have fancy graduation papers at the end and frankly speaking no one could get a grip on them. That had me very depressed.

Around 13 I started stealing money from my parents and missing classes to go to computer clubs – their number was getting bigger every week, consoles started to disappear. Half Life, CS 1.6, Age of Empires 2, Q3, D2 1.07, Black and White, SimCity 2000, NOX, StarCraft Brood War and many other games had our full attention. The biggest part of it was the fact you could play with or against your friends! That was so fucking awesome! At the same time I started discovering sci-fi and rock music, but that is a different story.

We stole a lot of money from our parents in those times and missed a lot of classes and of course after 3 or 4 months it all got revealed. Boy oh boy our dad smoked us. That was very very tough for a kid when all the things he actually liked were taken from him. Dark times when we were seriously asking ourselves what the hell our parents wanted from us as aside from the stuff they told us to do they never really told us what was it for. Everything else was useless, stupid or waste of time.

Somehow my marks at school got better closer to graduation and I graduated almost with a medal, went to university. I remember they had this PC club with like 200 PCs and from time to time we skipped one or the other lecture to play Starcraft or CS, but very quickly boozing with buddies became the major leisure activity and pushed gaming to the back. I did pretty well at the university, made my master with excellence and that was it – 6 years flew by in a blink of an eye.

I got my own PC during the first year at the uni, played a bit of Warcraft 3, HOMM 3, Quake 3, Lineage II but it was not like I was deep into that. I remember after defending my master I spent like 3 days playing Crysis without anyone saying a word. I mean, I was through with the university. I was free!

Soon after that I went on to work abroad as a project engineer in the chemical industry.

At the moment I am doing sales engineer for a good salary in Berlin, I am married and except for the Corona and all the restrictions it brought life seems ok.

During the last 10 years of my “adult” life I have been in many different situations. I have been very sick a couple of times, running on the edge of life and death. I have been in some useless relations that only drained energy and nerves from me. I also have been diagnosed with depression and burnout at some point, did therapy and consider myself fully recovered from both. I’ll be summarizing it all below.

When I look at my life it did occur to me that gaming was far more important than just the sheer desire to shoot buddies and skip school.

Growing up under the conditions where everything is predetermined one does not really get the chance to expose your own wish. After all, my parents both come from very unhappy families and did not have the exactly best examples of parenting.

It occurred to me that they never really cared about anything we achieved – whether in school, music or sports. I recall a couple of times when I did really good, like winning the City-contest in English language or getting my first “good” in algebra in 7th grade as that shit was extremely tough. I do not recall any reaction. In fact, mom and dad put their close attention to us only when things started getting really bad, like when we were skipping classes or got arrested for setting up fireworks in a crowded place. We never really got any positive feedback for anything we did because our parents just had no idea how to do that. I do not blame them – they were trying their best from their own experience.

And gaming was the absolute opposite to all of that.

Going to computer clubs we knew exactly that we were surrounded by like-minded lads. We made some good friends along the way – lads, who were always ready to jam on de_dust or bring their D2 chars to share some loot. One of the owners of the club had a daughter who was really good in Q3 – I remember everyone has been looking at her like she was some sort of demigod. The games gave us the space and playground we needed so much – clear even rules for everyone. If you frag – you win. If you don’t – you lose. If you suck – the older guys would always help with a couple of tips. Games also gave us control. I really liked the games where you went on an adventure, like NOX or Will Rock or serious Sam. Gaming also gave us the space to take our own decisions and suffer the full consequences if these were wrong – getting overrun by zerglings or getting fragged with rocket launcher with QUAD DAMAGE.

Gaming clubs were our safe space. At some point our dad did raid the computer clubs and did bust us a couple of times. Sure we got beaten on those occasions.

I recall my bro being very proud on getting 1st in the national 2v2 ladder in SC:BW later in the uni. He also used to game the whole night long at my parents place. This was over 10 years ago and they still do not know. He is still very good in SC though he does not play anymore.

I do play sometimes – currently grinding D2 and refreshing my knowledge in chess. I do not have more time for any other more or less serious game.

I am slowly approaching the point where I should write a conclusion – it is going to be quite simple. Gaming was the first opportunity to take my life into my own hands. It took me 32 years of my own life to find the power in me to take responsibility for myself and not to rely on someone else. My decision – my choice – my consequences. It took a lot of trouble and turmoil for me to get to this point and finally embracing the power within feels great. It was also the first surrounding of dudes just like me, which was a very good feeling back then.

During the last 6 months I switched to a job that pays almost the double of my previous one, my wife moved in with me from abroad, we have a nice apartment and are looking forward to vacations in the Alps. I still have to find a way to approach my parents though I am not sure the old hive is worth disturbing. I guess time will tell.

Whenever I am down or things do no go according to play – I do turn to gaming occasionally, just to get back into the world where I am in full control. It gives me power and I guess hope that everything will work out. If not now – then over time. You just have to keep practicing. And ask for help when it is needed.

I hope you found this read interesting.

[ramblings-of-a-mad-cat]

HPHM Profile - Luca Fawley

This template was posted by  @Hogwartsmysterystory and it looks pretty awesome. I might just go ahead and use it for the whole damn Fawley family. But let’s start with Luca. I’ll try to stay true to canon while still respecting the “Remembrance” timeline’s ideas.

(That eye color edit looks so bad omg) 

Identity

Name: Luca Jude Fawley

Gender: A-Gendered.

Age: 17 as of Year 6.

Birth Date: December 26th, 1972

Species: (Human, Lycanthrope, Metamorphmagus, Vampire, etc) Human, Wizard. 

Blood Status: Pureblood.

Sexuality: Panromantic, Asexual.

Alignment: Neutral Good.

Ethnicity: Biracial, half Scottish and half Iranian.

Nationality: British. 

Residence: The Black Sand Apothecary, in a place called Dulcimer Beach.

Myer Briggs Personality Type: INFP. 

The Mage

1st Wand:Hazel and Unicorn Hair, 10 1/4 Inches, Swishy. This wand was owned by Nina, Luca’s mother. It was given to them after Jacob’s disappearance rendered Nina unable to use her magic anymore. It was just before Luca went to Hogwarts, where they used Nina’s wand until it was broken by Rakepick. 

2nd Wand:Cedar and Unicorn Hair, 11 3/4 Inches, Pliant. This wand was fashioned by Rowan before they came to Hogwarts, but it never “chose” them. It did choose Luca though, in fifth year, just in time for Luca to need another. Rowan could not be happier at this turn of events, and Luca feels as though it’s an honor they don’t deserve. 

Animagus: Black Cat.

Misc Magical Abilities: (Legilimen, Seer, Parselmouth, Obscurial, etc) Luca has extreme proficiency in all types of mental magic - Legilimency, Occlumency, Memory Charms, etc - due to a Dark Curse they inherited. A Curse that has plagued the Fawley family for generations. They also have a magical eye, similar to Moody’s, that replaced their left eye at age thirteen. 

Boggart Form: For Years 1-5 it was Jacob, embodying all of Luca’s subconscious uncertainties about him. Post-Portrait Vault, it became Merula getting tortured. 

Riddikulus Form: Usually nothing. Luca struggles to find humor in their anxieties, and they don’t stand much chance facing a Boggart alone.

Amortentia: (What do they smell like?) Luca’s hair has a distinctly cinnamon-like scent, so probably that. 

Amortentia: (What do they smell?) Cat fur, Pine Trees, and Cloves. 

Patronus: Cat. Specifically, it takes the form of Luca’s cat, Mitten.

Patronus Memory: Either the Celestial Ball, or the time they reconciled with Rowan after a feud about Ben, and cuddled them in cat-form. 

Mirror of Erised: After Chapter 18, I’ll give you one guess. They want their best friend back. They want to take back what happened in the forest. 

Specialized/Favorite Spells:The Patronus Charm, the Tickling Charm, and the shrinking Charm. 

Appearance

Faceclaim: Keanu Reeves. 

Game Appearance:

This is pretty much their mood half the time. 

Height: 5′8.

Weight:141 lbs.

Physique: Very skinny and small, overall scrawny. 

Eye Colour: Naturally dark brown, but their left eye is a bright blue prosthetic.

Hair Colour: Dark brown. 

Skin Tone: Olive skin.

Body Modifications: The Magical Eye replace their left eye, and their right hand has a birthmark of a black star, known as the Mark of Despair. A byproduct of the curse placed on the Fawleys. 

Scarring: They still have a few faint pockmark scars on their neck and shoulders from when The Fawleys all caught dragon pox in Luca’s childhood. But these can only be seen under the light.

Inventory: (what do they carry on them?) Luca has a tendency to travel light, but they’re also an emotional sap. They carry their wand, the clothes on their back, and “Beatrice Jr.” the puffskein that Beatrice made for them. After the events of the forbidden forest, they also start carrying Rowan’s cracked glasses. 

Allegiances

Hogwarts House: Hufflepuff.

Ilvermorny House: Pukwudgie.

Affiliations/Organizations: Hufflepuff Quidditch Team, Curse-Breaking Apprentices, The Circle of Khanna

Professions: I see Luca eventually becoming a teacher at Hogwarts, as the permanent Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. Can also see Talbott and Penny working alongside them in Transfiguration and Potions, respectively. 

Hogwarts Information

Class Proficiencies: (OWL Grade or ★☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆)

Astronomy: Poor.

Charms: Outstanding.

DADA: Exceeds Expectations.

Flying:(N/A. I refuse to accept that Flying has an O.W.L exam.) 

Herbology: Poor.

History of Magic: Acceptable. 

Potions: Acceptable.

Transfiguration:Acceptable. 

Electives:

Care of Magical Creatures: Outstanding.

Ancient Runes: Acceptable.

Quidditch: Chaser. 

Extra Curricular: Luca tutored students in Charms, and spent a lot of time doing volunteer work in the Creature Reserve.

Favourite Professors: Flitwick, Mcgonagall, and at one point, Rakepick.

Least Favourite Professors: Dumbledore, Snape, Sprout

Relationships

Brother: Jacob. Luca’s favorite person in the entire world. As Luca grew up, Jacob’s disappearance and the subsequent investigation of his actions led to a serious re-evaluation of their relationship. But ultimately, Jacob was always fighting to protect his sibling.

Misc Siblings: Gail, Luca’s twin sister. Depending on which AU we’re talking about, a lot of different things could have happened to her. She could be still-born. She could be raised apart from Luca. She could grow up beside them. She could take their place as the HPHM protagonist. Take heed, anyone writing twin OCS...all these different paths are going to confuse the hell out of you.

Father: Eric Fawley, who died of a Dragon Pox fever when Luca was seven. Though they were still very young when they lost him, Luca and their father had a positive relationship and Eric’s temperament is probably the closest to Luca’s out of anyone else in the family.

Mother: Nina Fawley, formerly Nina Greengrass. She and Luca always had a positive relationship as they were growing up. For the most part, Nina usually appeared to be a pleasant person. However, she also had skeletons in her closet, and as the years went by her mask began to slip. 

Love Interest: Canonically? It’s very likely going to wind up being Merula. She hasn’t been cut from the dating quests yet and I’m an absolute sucker for their dynamic. Merula is lashing out because she’s in pain, but Luca is Healer...otherwise, I really like Luca/Tulip, as well as a poly-ship between those three characters called the Trouble Trio. A small sliver of my heart has also started shipping Luca with Skye as well. Basically, I’m an indecisive bean - but since I’m keeping this as close to canon as possible, let’s say Merula.

Best Friends: By the end of their first Hogwarts term, Luca had formed a true squad with Rowan, Penny, Chiara, and Tonks. The four of them teamed up to trade off sleeping beside Luca each night, to help soothe Luca’s night terrors and insomnia. Luca also saw Ben as a little brother from a young age.

Rival: Ironically enough, it wasn’t Merula. Their rivalry with her was always one-sided. Luca saw far too much of Jacob in Merula, to ever have in them to sincerely dislike her. The only person Luca felt a legitimate rivalry with growing up was Diego. Their personalities just did not click well, and it wasn’t until the N.E.W.T. years that they were able to get past it and find common ground.

Enemy: R of course, has become the deadly enemy that Luca does not understand, but knows they must be defeated. If you were to ask though, Luca’s immediate answer would be Rakepick. There was a time when Luca saw her as a mother figure. But now...after everything she’s done...she needs to die. 

Dorm-mates: (Who’s in your MC’s dorm with them?) Rowan, Murphy, Diego. Though Luca also frequently sleeps in the Girl’s Dormitory with Penny, Skye, Tonks, and Chiara. 

Pets:Mitten the snowy cat. Merula also has a black cat of her own called Bitten. 

Closest Canon Friends: Rowan, Penny, Tonks, Chiara, Ben, Jae. 

Closest MC Friends: This one always makes me shy, because I don’t want to be presumptuous, but some of my favorite MC’s that I’ve seen that I bet Luca would get along with are @missnight0wl​ @thewasp1995​ @back-on-my-tulula-shiz​ @dat-silvers-girl​  @salaofthenight​ and @weirdcursedvaultkid​

Background/History

Luca was the child of two Healers that met at St. Mungo’s before starting an Apothecary together. Luca saw a lot of their grandparents on Eric’s side, but never met Nina’s family as she was estranged from them. 

Luca knew Jae when they were very young - Jae was friends with Jacob prior to his disappearance. Jacob and Jae would combine their efforts to make mischief, and Luca would never approve. They had a falling out with Jae not long before Jacob vanished, and they maintained an uneasy distance until fifth year, where the kitchen detentions saw a reconciliation between the two of them. 

The Fawley family was notoriously unlucky, and known for madness. Alice Fawley, Luca’s aunt, went insane after she was tortured by Bellatrix. In the last two years of his life, Eric had a breakdown and cut off his own hand in an attempt to remove the curse. But the Mark of Despair simply reappeared on his remaining hand. 

After Jacob disappeared, Luca had a mental breakdown and for years, they could not recall the day that their brother vanished. In the years to come, Flitwick would give them a Pensieve to help them sift through all the turmoil in their head. Luca would eventually learn that their inability to recall the day Jacob disappeared was due to a memory charm placed on them by an unknown entity, perhaps Jacob himself. 

Personality

In some ways, Luca is healthier than most people because they are quite emotionally open and not afraid to express their feelings, but know how to do so in an appropriate fashion. They’re also empathetic and able to show kindness and listen when another person needs to express feelings.

In other ways, Luca is a mess. They’re extremely depressed and this interferes with their productivity and relationships. They’re prone to having breakdowns of crying at any emotional shift. They have low self-esteem and tend to believe that they are worthless or a burden. 

That said, they appreciate their friends and loved ones more than they can ever convey. To a fault, even. Not only is Luca loyal, but they are highly forgiving of a person’s flaws if it is someone they care about. One could call it enabling, as they are rarely bothered by offenses that such people commit against them. 

Luca also has a very merciful attitude. Day one, even though they knew it was Merula who blew up their cauldron, they said nothing and simply took the fall, apologizing to Snape. However, once Luca has been pushed to a breaking point, they can show a surprising amount of backbone. It just takes a lot to get this out of them. 

Luca has a nurturing nature and a tendency to reach out to underdogs, to care for those in need. This is what drew them to Ben, Merula, Orion, and Beatrice. Though Luca never holds anger in their heart, the quickest way to see them get angry is to hurt or abuse one of these outcasts that Luca cares for. Part of the reason they become so disillusioned with Dumbledore is because he is in a position of educational power, and the longer Luca attends Hogwarts, the less it seems to them that Dumbledore has any interest in doing his job with integrity. 

Misc

Not going to get too much into Fawley family head-canons, since I’ll save that for a different post. But I think Luca was raised Jewish. 

They’re lactose intolerant. 

Their favorite flower is the chamomille, which is the type of tea they prefer.

They’ve always been Pro-Muggle, though they don’t know the first thing about muggle culture. 

Luca never truly wanted to be a Curse-Breaker. It just seemed like a necessary skill-set to learn to find Jacob, and break the Fawley curse.

They’ve known they were trans for as long as they could remember. 

They have exceptional abysmal unique skills at naming. Examples include “Barnaby Jr” the Bowtruckle and “Penny Jr” the Abraxan. 

They are ambidextrous. 

Despite being a mellow person, Luca is oddly drawn to people who are trouble. If a person is problematic, chaos-aligned, or just an overall disaster of a human being, there’s a greater chance that Luca will find them attractive. 

They suspected Rowan of being R for a while, much to their own guilt. It led to a feud, but they made up and were closer than ever.

On the other hand, they never suspected Ben, not even when he was unmasked as the Red Cloak. Luca just had a gut feeling that it was too easy, that it was a setup. But Rakepick saving their life cemented her as an ally in Luca’s eyes...that did not end well. 

Luca never wanted to be a Prefect, but Rowan and Flitwick talked them into it. 

They vastly prefer Wizard’s Chess to Gobstones, something they have in common with Murphy. 

They have an unfortunate tendency to unconsciously project familial roles onto people. Bill and Orion were substitutes for Jacob,  Flitwick was a substitute father figure, and for a time, Rakepick substituted for Luca’s absentee mother. 

Did I miss anything? Hope you guys like it! Should I post others for the Fawley family? 

[lovemesomesurveys]

Ready to answer 151 Questions? 1. When was the last time you swam in a pool? Like 6/7 years ago. 2. Do you like to party? My idea of a party is a small get together with friends just chillin’ with food and music. Maybe play some boardgames. Just super laid back. Crazy party scenes with a shitload of people I don’t even know is not my thing at all. That all being said, I haven’t been to a party in like 3 years. 3. If your ex suddenly kissed you right now, what would you do? I can’t even imagine a scenario where that would happen now. We haven’t talked or seen each other in almost 5 years. For that to happen, that would mean we were talking and hanging out again and yeah, don’t see that happening. Plus, SO much has changed for the both of us. Our ship sailed a longggg time ago. 4. Are you a virgin? Yes. 5. What are your parents views on your relationships? Ty and I never dated, but my parents really liked him. My mom definitely thought something was going on and she was rooting for us, ha. 

6. If you ran into your current boyfriend/crush in 10 years, would you marry them? I don’t have a boyfriend or a crush right now. But also, I wouldn’t just marry someone I bumped into 10 years later. Like, a LOT would have changed in that amount of time. Just because I dated or was interested in someone doesn’t mean things would be the same seeing each other that many years later. Would the feelings come back? Would we still vibe? What are we doing in our life at that time? Are we both single? 7. Is your best friend dating anyone?  My mom has been with my dad for over 30 years. 8. Describe the shirt you’re wearing? It’s a tie-shirt with pastel colors.  9. Do people who wear Hollister and Abrerbrombie every day bother you? I really don’t care. 10. Could you go out in public without wearing make-up? I’ve been doing that for the past few years. To think that there was a time I would have never done that... 11. What is one feature that you don’t like? On me? I mean, everything, but my smile/teeth for one. 12. Would people describe you as happy? No. 13. Are you single? Yep. 14. Does it bother you that pretty much every survey you take asks if you’re single? Yes or questions about relationships. 15. Do you have Tumblr? Duhhh.

16. What about Xanga? Aww, RIP Xanga.  17. Have you ever babysat before? Yeah, my younger brother and a couple of my cousins when they were kids.  18. Is there a teacher who you absolutely hate?  I had two awful math professors in community college. Like, they were horrible. 19. Ever shopped at Sephora? Yeah. 20. If your current boyfriend/crush suddenly moved away, what would you do?  21. Do you have any university plans? I graduated with my BA five years ago. I’m not going any further. 22. If your best friend revealed she was a homosexual, what would you do? I mean, it would definitely come as a huge shock if my mom came out now. Of course it wouldn’t change anything between us, but things would be different for awhile. Like, it would take time to get used to a new normal, one where she’s not with my dad who she’s been with for over 30 years and one where she’s with a woman.  23. What are your views on sex? Be safe. If you’re an adult and it’s consensual then I don’t see an issue. 24. Do sexual questions bother you?  No. I just don’t have much to say on the matter. 25. Would you rather have sex with your boyfriend or break up? Wth. 26. Have you ever dreamed about your wedding?  Nope. 27. Does it bother you when people TYpe 1yk dis’?  Omg. I’m so glad I don’t see that anymore. That seemed to die when Myspace did. 28. Do you delete pictures of you and your exes off of Facebook? There’s still photos of Joseph and I. *shrug* 29. Would you ever date a friends Ex? No. 30. What’s the last book you read?  The Girl and the Hunt by AJ Rivers. 31. Ready for 10 simple questions? Sure. 32. What is your last name?  Stephanie. 33. What grade are you in? I graduated college 5 years ago, I’m done. 34. What school do you go to? 35. Summer, Fall, Winter or Spring? Fall and winter. 36. Favorite Color? Pastels, rose gold, yellow, coral, mint green. 37. Are your parents together? Yes. 38. Any siblings?  I have two brothers. 39. Favorite subject?  Psychology.

40. Least favorite subject?  Math. 41. Favorite song? I could never just choose one. 42. Okay. Simple questions are over. Happy?  I don’t care. 43. How many friends do you have on Facebook?  150ish. 44. Ever been requested by some old guy from another country? They weren’t old, but yeah I’ve had several requests from men from other countries.  45. Have you ever googled yourself? Yeah. 46. Have a Formspring? I used to. I suppose it still exists out there since I never deleted it. I haven’t been on there in several years, though. 47. You’re offered free tickets to a Justin Bieber concert. What do you do? Probably decline the offer. I actually do like both his current and previous album, but I don’t know if I’d want to go to his concert. *shrug* I also don’t know anyone who would go with me and I wouldn’t go alone. 48. Would you rather spend the day at an amusement park or a water park? Amusement park. I don’t do water slides and whatnot.  49. Been to Disney world?  Nope, but I’d love to go. I’ve been to Disneyland several times, though. 50. If someone posts their status “9 Inches :(” do you know what they mean? Sounds like one of those things where people post a random status from a list of things that will likely get people’s attention and whoever comments on it is privately sent said list of thing and they then choose something to post as their status and so on. That was a popular game thing on Facebook years ago. 51. Ever had a boyfriend?  Yes.

52. Ever had a huge crush on someone who still doesn’t know? I’ve had crushes on guys who never knew, but the really serious ones (there were 5) all knew. 53. Have you done something in the last week that you regret?  Yes. 54. Ever drank alcohol?  Yeah. I drank in my early 20s until I was 24. 55. Know anyone who’s currently doing drugs? Yeah. 56. Ever watched The Hills?  Yeah, the OG one and the reboot that came out last year. 57. What about Jersey Shore? No, I never got into that one. 58. Ever called someone a slut?  I’ve said that jokingly to friends. 59. What do you think of short shorts? I don’t wear them. Or any length of shorts.  60. Does it bother you if people swear around you? No. I think it’s funny because my dad is still weird about cussing in front of me and so is our family friend. She always apologizes to me if she does it.  61. Have you ever gotten an A in a subject? I mostly got A’s and B’s throughout school with some C’s because of stupid math. 62. What about a B?  ^^^ 63. And a C? ^^^ 64. How about a D? No. 65. Ever skived? What’s that? 66. Would you consider yourself popular and outcast or somewhere in the middle? I’d say I was the outcast. I mean, I had some friends, but I really just didn’t stand out or fit in.  67. Are most of your friends older or younger than you? My friends were my age or a year younger. Ty was the only one who was older than me (just by a year). 68. Ever been stabbed in the back by a close friend? Yes. 69. Do you think it’s immature when people laugh at the number 69? I have my immature moments, too. That one doesn’t do it for me, though.  70. Ever watched porn? I’ve seen it, but it wasn’t for my viewing pleasure or anything. I just personally don’t get the appeal. 71. How many laws do you think you’ve broken in the past month?  I don’t think I’ve broken any. I don’t do anything or go anywhere, ha. 72. Do you wake up with an alarm clock? Yeah. I’d sleep later than 3PM if I didn’t and I don’t know, for some reason I don’t want to. Not like I have anything better to do, but *shrug* 73. Do you prefer Wednesdays or Thursdays? Makes no difference to me. 74. If your school had a Glee Club would you join?  No. I can’t sing. I’m surprised I did choir for a few years in elementary school. 75. Ever performed in a talent show? My 2nd grade class did. We did “This Little Light of Mine” with a few very simple hand movements that went along with it. 76. Have you ever cried in public? Yeah. For the most part it’s only been at funerals and doctor appointments, but there have been a few other times in public where I felt the tears coming and tried to fight them back, but they started coming out anyway. I’m definitely someone who doesn’t like to cry in front of other people, so when it happens then you know it’s bad. 77. Do you have a favorite between your Mom and your Dad? I love both of my parents, but my mom and I have a closer relationship. She’s my best friend. I truly don’t know what I’d do without her. 78. Would you audition for a reality talent competition? Nooo. I have zero talent. 79. How many celebrity crushes have you had?  A lot. 80. How many non-celebrity crushes have you had?  A lot. 81. Name 5 male celebrities who you think are attractive. Alexander Skarsgard, Henry Cavill, Chris Evans, Matt Bomer, and Chris Pratt.  82. Name 5 female celebrities who you think are attractive. Margot Robbie, Jennifer Lopez, Ariana Grande, Hailey Baldwin, and Natalie Portman.  83. Ever been compared to a celebrity?  Ha, no. 84. Have any embarrassing pictures on Facebook? If someone uploads a photo of me that I don’t approve of it gets deleted asap. 85. Do you think spending £20 on Lip Gloss is a waste of money?  That’s too much to me.  86. Are you opinionated?  I do have my opinions I feel strongly about, but I also consider myself to be openminded. I’m open to hearing different sides of things. I want to. And it’s certainly possible for my opinion to change.  87. Do you have a favorite store? BoxLunch, Hot Topic, Kohl’s, Target, and Bath & Body Works. 88. Would you ever wear Flare Jeans? No. 89. Do you own jeans that aren’t skinny? Nope. 90. Have you ever worn the same outfit twice in one week?  Yeah. *gasp* Call the fashion police! 91. What’s the longest period of time you’ve been away from school?  Well, I graduated college 5 years ago if that counts. But if you mean like while I was still going to school, then a few months. I had to miss school 3 times for a few months because I had to have surgery. One of the times was when I was supposed to start UC, but ended up having to start the following semester instead. 92. Do you google abbreviations you don’t understand? Yeah. 93. Does it bother you when people have cats as their profile picture? I don’t care? 94. Own a pair of converse?  Yes. 95. Is there a teacher at your school who has obvious favorites? 96. If yes, are you one of them?  97. Do you text in class?  I never did that. I was a goody-goody lol.  98. What brand of jeans do you wear the most? I haven’t worn jeans at all in like 3 years, ha, but anyway most of my jeans are the Arizona brand from JCP. They’re the perfect fit for me and they’re reasonably priced. 99. At what point do you think sizes are “Plus Sized?” According to Google, it starts at size 16. 100. Do you want to lose weight?  Nooo. I’m too underweight as it is. I need to gain weight. 101. Ever seen a therapist?  No, but I should. 102. Ever watched porn?  Yeah, I’ve seen some of it. I didn’t watch out of enjoyment, though. I don’t get the appeal, personally. 103. Ever purposely ignored a text?  Yes. 104. A facebook message?  Yes. 105. A poke? I always ignored those. That was a dumb feature Facebook had. 106. A friend request?  Yeah. I don’t accept a request from anyone I don’t know. 107. Would you say you read into things too much?  Yepppp.  108. Is your best friend more likely to be the one suggesting something stupid or refusing to do something stupid? Refusing. 109. Do you have a “fun friend?” (A friend who you have tons of fun with but you never really have deep conversations?)  No.  110. Ever been called a bully?  No. 111. Ever purposely hurt yourself?  Yes. 112. Ever gone to church? Yes. I used to go sometimes with both sets of grandparents when I was a kid. They were of different religions, so that began my complicated and non-existent relationship with religion. That changed a few years ago, though, and now I’m a Christian. For over a year I’ve only been listening to the audio version a local church uploaded to their website every Sunday until they started uploading video earlier this year. The past few months they’ve been doing live streams because of the quarantine/lockdown, but they’ll be continuing that going forward for those like me who aren’t able to physically attend. I plan to when I’m able, though. 113. Would you call either of your parents screw ups? Absolutely not! 114. If you turned out exactly like your mom would you be pleased? Yes. 115. What do you want to do with your life? I don’t know. That’s the problem. 

116. Let me guess… You have brown hair? Naturally, yes, but not currently. 117. Already know what you’re being for Halloween? I don’t dress up or do anything for Halloween anymore. The past few years I’ve just stayed home and watched scary movies. I do for the whole month of October, though. 118. Do you still go Trick or Treating? Uh, no. I’m going to be 31 years old this year. 119. Ever liked someone WAY older than you? Celebrities, but not anyone “in real life.” 120. Does it bother you when people have really loud conversations on the bus?  It didn’t really bother me back when I had to take the bus sometimes in college. 121. When you have sunglasses on, do you stare at people?  I don’t wear sunglasses. Also, staring is rude. I’ve had to deal with people staring at me, mostly kids, all my life. Not cool. 122. Ever had a credit card denied? No. 123. What’s the last movie you watched?  Parts of James and the Giant Peach yesterday. 124. Last TV Show?  The Golden Girls. 125. You see your Ex making out with one of your friends. What do you do? I don’t have any friends, but I imagine I wouldn’t like seeing that. 126. Ever been called a whore?  Jokingly. 127. Are you american?  Yes. 128. Ever made yourself throw up? No.  129. Have you ever kissed someone who wasn’t your boyfriend?  Yes. Joseph and I did that for the entire time of whatever it was we had going on.  130. Are you Cute or Gross?  I’m trash. 131. Does it bother you when people say “LOOK HOW MUCH YOU’VE GROWN!”? No one has said that to me in a very long time. I don’t recall being bothered by it, though. 132. Can you say intelligent things around the guy you like?  I don’t like anyone, currently.  133. Ever had the lead in a play?  Nope. Never tried out for a play either. 134. What about a solo in a concert?  Ha, no. I was in choir in elementary school for a few years, but there definitely weren’t any solo parts for me.  135. What kind of a student are you? I did well. 136. Worst subject?  It was always math. 137. Best subject? English. 138. Ever had a crush on a teacher? No. 139. Would it bother you if you found out that your mother was pregnant?  She had a hysterectomy several years ago. 140. How late do you sleep in?  Until like 230 or 3ish. 141. Do you edit your profile pictures before posting them?  I use a filter.  142. Be 100% honest. Do you have any friends who are uglier than you? I was the ugly friend. 143. Do you believe in love? Well, yeah. It exists. I just feel like I’ll never experience romantic love. I’ve been in love twice, but both times were unrequited. I can’t imagine finding love in return and someone who actually wants to be with me.  144. Would you consider yourself a good student?  Didn’t you ask this? 145. Does it bother you when Surveys ask “Did you like this survey?”  It just seems kinda pointless cause they likely won’t see it.  146. Salty, Sweet, Sour or Spicy?  Salty and sweet. I would have said spicy back in the day, but I can’t eat spicy food anymore. Haven’t been able to for the past few years. D: 147. Are you going into High School this year?  Nooooo. Thank goodness. I did my time and graduated over 10 years ago. 148. What about Junior High? Omg, no. I’m old. 149. What is one thing someone could say to you right now that would make you cry?  Let’s not try and make me cry. It’s almost 7AM, I should be asleep. 150. Where did you find this note? LiveJournal.  151. Last question. How many unread messages are in your phone?  I don’t leave any unread text messages. 

[xjamlessparkx]

betray | pjm | kth | 03

summary: in which taehyung leaves you on the day of your wedding to run off with your best friend and you finding out about their secret

pairing: park jimin x reader | kim taehyung x reader

genre: angst

01 | 02 | 03 | 04 | 05 + TEXTS | 06 | 07 | 08 | 09 | 10 | 11

You were already home, recreating the scenario which took place a few hours ago. Luckily he didn't go after you but how could he. Maybe he didn't even recognize you at all.

He was with his son, being all happy with him as if nothing had ever happened. Why would something like that bother him anyways, it was planned so it probably never hurt him as much as it hurt you.

Walking into your bedroom, you pulled out some clothes of your luggage. You changed yourself into something comfortable as you laid down on your bed. Even though you were hungry you couldn't eat anything. Whenever you saw something edible on your way home, you felt your stomach aching and hurting as if someone stabbed you.

If his son is here it means that he and his family isn't far away. When did they move here again? Did he even recognize you? He was so quiet and shocked, it was impossible for him to not recognize you.

But why didn't he approach you? Was he feeling guilty, ashamed or just surprised that he saw you again? You sighed as you watched the white ceiling, completely lost in thoughts. He was the last person you expected to meet again, and why the heck was it him? After seeing Junho, you weren't sure if you should accept the job offer. In fact, you weren't really sure about teaching in that certain school where his son was. To be honest, you wouldn't even see Taehyung at all. According to your calculations, his son must've been in first grade and you did apply for English teaching which every elementary school begins at grade four. It was impossible to meet him again, and if it was the case then you planned to leave without exchanging any words with him. That's the least you could do because you came here to follow your heart and dreams and he certainly shouldn't be a barrier for you.

Suddenly the doorbell rang, bringing you back to reality as you started wondering who it could be. Nobody knew you were here and you merely had any contact with anyone you knew since you left.

What if ... Hopefully, it's not him. But it can't be him because he wouldn't make any effort to get to you. It's impossible.

You walked up to the door, your hand surrounding the cold metal of the doorknob as you closed your eyes. Of course, it wasn't him but just in case if it really was him, you wanted to be prepared. With a long sigh, you pushed the doorknob and pulled the door open.

"S-Seokjin?" You muttered being surprised that he showed up in front of your door even though you didn't tell him about your return.

"You're back and you didn't tell me?! Wow Y/N I thought we had a better relationship" he laughed as he suddenly opened his arms. You didn't know why but seeing him made you lose all of your senses. Your emotions acted first when you started to cry as your arms surrounded his waist, hugging him tightly. Was it tears over joy or tears you longed for being cried off in someone's arms? He was the last connection to what happened to you. He was like a brother to you. He was family. After your wedding day he never left you alone, in fact, he was the sweetest and most caring person for you in your hard times. Making sure, that you won't let yourself down easily.

He surely was surprised by your action but he embraced you without saying any words. Knowing, that you were a very fragile person, he let you cry off until he broke the silence.

"I didn't expect you to feel that happy about me visiting you. I can leave if my presence makes you cry-" he let out a sarcastically chuckle when you hit his chest getting an 'ouch' from him. You leaned back and watched him rubbing his chest as if you hurt him too much.

"I am happy that you came" he smiled at your words, staring around the door as he bit his lip.

"Can I come in now? It's cold and I am freezing" he said, chuckling softly as you nodded immediately.

"I just came here yesterday, so sorry if anything is dirty" you smiled as he nodded. He sat on the ground because you threw away the old couch. You wanted to design your living room newly. You went into the kitchen which was connected to the living room, there was no door or wall dividing the two rooms.

"How did you know that I returned?" You asked curiously as you pulled out two cups and boiled water in order to make tea.

"I came across your landlord and he told me that you moved to your flat again. I was surprised but sad that you didn't tell me" he said, trying to make himself comfortable on the ground. He glanced up at you, watching you preparing the tea.

"I am hurt" he pouted when you approached him with the cups of tea. You giggled at his expressions.

"You're an adult you should stop pouting" he chuckled as the words left your lips.

"So, how are you doing so far?" He asked hesitantly, staring right into your face to make sure that you don't feel uncomfortable at all.

"I am good" you lied not mentioning the encounter with Taehyung. It would just bother him as much as it bothered you. Before he asked other questions you bombarded him with yours.

"What about you? Did you finally find your dream girl?" You asked while smiling widely, remembering him fantasizing about his dream girl years ago. He always waited for the perfect moment and didn't let time ruin his future because he truly believed in destinies magic. Suddenly his eyes lit up and his cheeks flushed with a shade of pink.

"Don't tell me you-" your eyes widened as your mouth dropped wide open. You started getting excited about the idea of him being in a relationship.

"Well, I did." He said not bothering to look at you since he felt flustered. You sat down across him and grabbed his shoulders.

"Boy! I am so happy! Who is that freaking lucky lady?" You started thinking about the girls who Seokjin knew.

"Ahran" he started "Jo Ah Ran" you tried your best to match a familiar face with the name but couldn't. "I've met her last year. It's impossible for you to know her. But she is so kind-hearted and beautiful-" you cut him off by placing your hand on his lips.

"You have to introduce us to each other," you said sincerely and he nodded. Your heart felt at ease and you embraced him tightly. "I am so happy for you!"

He leaned back and stood up. "I have to go now but call me whenever you need anything. Let's also catch up together sometime" he smiled as he helped you stand up, taking your hand and pulling you up.

"That would be awesome," you said while opening the door. It was really cold and you couldn't wait to close the door to run into your room and bury yourself under your blankets to warm up. You were happy about Seokjins visit. He was always the one who surprised you. Finally, he found someone and hopefully he won't let her go.

After your meal, you made yourself comfortable on the couch where you fell asleep. - The next morning you were woken up by the sound of your phone. You opened your eyes and tried to get comfortable with the light which totally blended you. The ringing didn't go off. With that, you were supposed to answer the call. Taking all your strength you got out of bed where you took your phone and answered it without looking at the caller ID.

"Hello" you roughly answered, your voice sounding lower than usual.

"Good Morning. Is this Y/N?" the female voice asked as you nodded, and also facepalmed yourself for your silliness.

"Yes. How can I help you?"

"It's Mrs Lee calling-" when she said her name your eyes flashed open and you got out of the couch. "We know that our reply is pretty early but we are in need of teachers since many leave due to illness or pregnancy. We decided to accept your application and are happy to greet you on Monday for your first day" she said. You couldn't tell if you were happy or surprised. Pressing your lips together, you prevented yourself from screaming.

"Ms Y/N? Are you there?" Again you started nodding but laughing immediately at your second mistake.

"Yes! O my god, this totally made my day! I am so glad that you chose me and of course I am excited for Monday" you said without pausing once. You heard a slight chuckle on the other side of the phone.

"Be there at 7am. Have a nice weekend." Mrs Lee hung up and suddenly you screamed from your lungs. It was perfect. Even though you applied so early you didn't expect them to take you in so fast and easily. It was only two days left until Monday and you couldn't wait for what will happen and literally counted the days until it was Monday. Time passed by and it was already Monday, your first day. You were pretty nervous because you never had any interactions with kids. You always worked with adults who wanted to learn English.

Suddenly you remembered. Except for Junho, who was in first grade at the elementary school, you got accepted in. A slight regret came up in your mind and you were afraid that you have to see him every day. No, it's impossible because you applied to teach English in fourth grade, so hopefully, you won't be able to see him any day. You left the house early to catch your bus, seeing snow falling down on the ground was making you happy. It was in the middle of November and it already snowed so much which made you pretty excited about Christmas which wasn't far away. Getting off the bus you went to the school seeing the children getting dropped off by their parents. Before going into the staff room you knocked on the door. When you opened the door you were greeted by smiling but also tired faces. You went in and stood in front of them as all eyes landed on you.

"Hello, my name is Y/N and I am the new English teacher" you bowed down and grinned looking into the crowd. They said that they had a lack of teachers when in fact the room was full. All of them greeted you nicely as they showed you your own desk where you could work in your free time. It was still early and the first lesson would begin at 8am. You sat down on the chair next to your desk. Right next to you was a man who was smiling at you.

His hands were under his chin staring at you admiringly somehow. His blonde hair was looking messy but still very good. The smile on his face was so wide, it made his eyes disappear. Somehow your heart jumped once you stared into his face, making you smile at him yourself.

"I am Jimin. Park Jimin" he greeted you while he pulled out his arm, offering his hand. You nicely took it and shook it in a friendly way.

"Y/N" you told him while he nodded knowingly. You mentally rolled your eyes because you just told him your name even though you introduced yourself a couple minutes ago. He chuckled, sitting down while he stared at you confused.

"So, umm?" He started "you can let go of my hand," he said a little surprised that you didn't let go.

"Huh? Me? I am sorry" you muttered, feeling the nervousness growing inside you. You pulled your hand out of his grip fast, hitting the cup of coffee which landed on his desk where many documents became wet.

"Oh shit- I am so so sorry" you couldn't believe yourself, by being so clumsy on your first day. Immediately, you tried to clean the desk and the documents when he stopped you by holding your wrist.

"It's okay," he said while letting go of your hands "they weren't important anyway" he chuckled and put his hands in his pockets. You smiled awkwardly.

"I'm sorry," you told him again.

"It's okay..." he smiled as he took his bag because the bell was about to ring.

"I will pay you back the coffee," you said.

"No need to" he grinned as he thought about something "do you have any plans for lunch?" He asked hesitantly, biting his lip as you shook your head.

"Let's drink some coffee together" he clarified and turned his shoulders to make his leave. Nonetheless, something came up in his mind as he stopped.

"It's on you" he chuckled and the soft sound of his voice was making you smile. Well, hopefully, you will get to know many teachers and make friends fast.

"Ms Y/N" you turned our head to look at Mrs Lee and standing up to greet her.

"I already told you that we lack teachers so you have to take classes in first grade as well. You will teach in 4th grade and in 1st grade as long as we hire new teachers, is that okay for you?" She asked and you were only a little shocked.

"But why me? I mean I'm new here... wouldn't it be easier to choose experienced teachers?-" you didn't know what to teach them because you only applied for teaching English.

"Don't worry. It's really easy what they do in first grade. It's only based on learning Hangeul. I am pretty sure that you can endure it for a couple months until we hire someone new. If you need any help you can ask Jimin since he has been teaching in first grade for many years now." She smiles giving in your schedule which was written on a piece of paper. Your first lesson was in first grade which made you pretty nervous. You weren't prepared for them and you didn't know how to start the lesson. Seriously, they could have told you earlier. You packed your belongings and went out of the room to search for the number of the room. The bell had rung already. Finally, you found the room and waited for a little. Come one Y/N they're only first graders they won't eat you. You rolled your eyes and went in as fast as you could, leaving your belongings on the desk which was in front of everyone's seat. The children were pretty quiet.

"Oh? That's the new teacher" a little kid yelled, with a familiar accent. You turned your head and searched for the voice, feeling the anxiety growing bigger when you finally spotted him in the last row. Just as other students started staring at him he looked at the ground, probably scolding himself in his thoughts for being so loud.

Junho.

He smiled widely at you while your expressions were pretty shocked. Still, you gave him a weak smile. All of the first graders stood up at your presence and bowed while greeting you.

"Hello. I am your new teacher Ms Y/L/N" you felt your hands getting sweaty because you couldn't look another way than to Junho. He was still smiling at you. You sat on your desk and tried to look elsewhere but your eyes wandered to him since his face was too similar with the face of his father. "I introduced myself and know it's your turn. Tell me about everything you like or not, your hobbies, just anything you want to say. How about we start with you?" You pointed at the girl in the first row. She stood up.

"Hello. My name is Lee Hyejin and I am 6 years old-" she started and went on with her hobbies. You were listening to all while focusing on their words and gestures while taking notes because you liked to get to know your students. Some of them liked playing basketball and the others enjoyed playing instruments or playing with their friend. Your heart stopped beating when it was Junho's turn. He cleared his throat feeling all eyes on him as he stood up from his chair, face down, watching his fidgety fingers.

"My name is Kim Junho and I am 6 years old-" he nearly whispered and stopped in the middle of his sentence when someone yelled "I can't hear you" you furrowed your eyebrows as he suddenly sat down again, the anxiety growing bigger. The other children were laughing and chuckling at his actions.

"Stop it!" You suddenly yelled, getting angry at the behavior of first graders. Junho stood up, his face was still staring at the ground while he ran off.

"Junho!" You called for him but he was already gone. With furrowed eyebrows, you stared at the children in front of you. "That wasn't nice of you. If I come back with Junho I expect all of you to apologize" you said getting angry as if it was your own child. You started looking for him everywhere. The toilet, the playground, other rooms which weren't closed. Where the hell did he go? Did he go home? Your eyes widened and you ran as fast as you can outside. As you exited the gate you saw him kneeling down the way you saw him last week.

The sound of his sobs was filling the air and you felt how your heart broke into pieces. You could feel the anxiety and sorrow in his cries. Slowly, you approached him, pulling out your hand to caress his hair. Just as your hand was about to touch his hair, you stopped, hesitated first but pulled your hand back. You kneeled down on his level, as you stared at him.

"Let's go inside Junho" you murmured putting your hand on his knee.

"I don't wanna go inside. I don't like any of them! I just want to go home" he said, not looking up while he still kept sobbing.

"But why-" he cut you off.

"Everyone is laughing at me. They make fun of me when I start talking. I always get so shy and nervous when I talk in front of a crowd and all of them mock me for talking so slow and quiet." he cried, turning around to you as he surprised you with surrounding his arms around your neck to hug you.  Your eyes widened and you did not know how to react at all. You just let him cry his eyes out in your arms. The scent of his hair went up to your nose and suddenly your mind drifted off to an image of Taehyung in front of you. Your heart felt at ease and your throat got sore. Suddenly, you were about to tear up as well. He wasn't in front of you but his smell made you feel like he was here with you. He was just looking like his father.

You leaned back to wipe away his tears as you recognized the eyes and the plump lips of his father. Even the mole which Taehyung has on his nose was on the same spot of Junho's nose. Still, you were surprised that Junho opened up even though he didn't know you at all.

"It's okay..." you whispered not sure about what to tell him. You were actually a good listener and gave quite good tips when it came to problems with your friends and family. But you weren't sure what to tell a little boy who was crying his eyeballs out.

"When I was your age I was whispering a lot because I was pretty shy and because people were making fun of me, I was quiet. It was the worst decision I've ever made because even today I find myself in situations where I can't really talk because I'm afraid that people will laugh at me. If only I stood up for myself back then, my problems today would be easy to deal with. But you know what I did? I was like 'hey y/n what are you doing, you're gonna ruin your life because of some stupid people making fun of you? They're just jealous or have problems in accepting themselves and their flaws'. That made me who I am today. You should accept your flaws and if you do then you can work on your flaws to turn them into your strength. You should never let anyone tell you otherwise. It's okay if you still struggle but never feel sorry for your flaws. Accept them because you're perfect. You're still young don't let any bully be a barrier for you. Alright?" You were surprised by your wise words and had to smile. Somehow you were proud of yourself.

To be honest you missed Junho so much. Even though you only knew him a year you were always taking care of him. He was a lovable boy who didn't deserve to be treated like this. Just because his parents made a mistake doesn't mean that you have to cut Junho from your life as well. You will be his teacher and as a teacher, it's your duty to take care of children and not only teach them. You wondered if his parents knew about his struggles. "Thank you" he sniffed and hugged you again.

"Do you want to go home today?" You asked but he shook his head.

"No, I will come back to class" you smiled proudly when you helped him stand up. In fact, you were freezing because it was so cold. You both went in and got into the classroom. The children were surprised because they didn't expect you to return with him. He sat down at his place while you gave him a thumbs up. Of course, he wouldn't change immediately but you hoped that you gave him a little courage to finally open up. You stood in front of the class, waiting for his classmates to apologize but everyone stood quiet.

"I don't hear you," you said putting a hand in front of your ear and suddenly everyone screamed as if they sang in a choir. "I am sorry" the little smile on Junho's face made you happy. You started the lesson after everyone else who was left introduced themselves.

__

Time passed in a fast way and you found yourself remembering about your little lunch payment for - what was his name? Right! Jimin. You bought some coffee and brought it into the staff room. When he saw you he took his jacket.

"Can we go?" He asked when you furrowed your eyebrows.

"What do you mean?" you gave him his coffee and he chuckled at your behavior. He looked at the cup and sat down again.

"Nevermind" he smiled as he put his jacket back and sat down on his chair. You couldn't think of what he was referring to. Suddenly a slight knock came from the door. "Come in" you yelled and a young man came in.

"Pizza for Y/N" he said and you pushed your arms to the air.

"Mine" the smell of pizza was making you so happy and excited. You paid him and took the two boxes out of his hands. Smelling on the two boxes you went to Jimin who was looking at you questioningly. You sat in front of him an opened the boxes. The sight of pizza was literally reason enough for your salvia coming out of your mouth.

"Enjoy the meal" you chuckled while he gave you an amused look.

"You're eating pizza for lunch?" even though he was asking, he took a slice and bit it. You nodded as you took a slice yourself.

"Actually not every day but today is such a cold day and I didn't want to leave the building. We can order food easily why making any effort in getting them" he laughed at your statement.

"So Jimin tell me something about yourself" you started and he was a little surprised but started off. He moved here a couple of years ago and studied to become a teacher. He told you about loving kids and wanting to help them to make improvements for their future. He was a nice guy actually and you could tell that he was pretty attractive. You were happy about the idea of you two becoming friends. And that was what you guys did. Over a couple of weeks, you learned a lot from him. He helped you a lot with your schedule and also with decorating your little flat. You weren't colleagues anymore, you two became good friends and it was a great idea that you could rely on someone. He was handsome, no protest to that but you still liked the fact that he was only your friend better than any other thoughts. You never saw such a humble man in your life. It felt like he owned the world, he was so careless, had no problems, no worries and just lived his life and dream. It was fascinating.

Parent's day.

You were looking at the flyer in your hand.

"What is this?" You asked Jimin.

"Parent's day is a day where parents come to our school," he said smiling, you rolled your eyes and waited for him to continue.

"It's a day, well actually an evening where parents visit our school when they have time to talk with the homeroom teachers about their children. You just have to keep them on update and that's it. They also sell cake" he was licking his lips which made you roll your eyes again. You hit his head as he let out a sigh.

"When is it?" you asked him.

"This Friday" he said as you nodded your head.

You didn't teach much in Junho's class since your first day. It was three times a week and the rest was scheduled. You saw him pretty often and he always came up to you when he saw you. It was incredible that you had good chemistry between yourselves. He was too cute and humble just like his father. Sometimes he would even give you small presents like drawings or he would leave chewing gum or candy as gifts on your desk. It was adorable. You were happy about the fact that you didn't meet Taehyung or Somin even though their son was your student. You wondered if Junho told them anything about you.

The poor boy still didn't overcome his fear and you helped him a lot with bullies. He still has problems and gets bullied but when you see any bully you scold them and talk to Junho. You wondered if his parents knew anything about his struggles. Anything, but you totally wanted to avoid meeting them in any way. Everything was going pretty well. You gained a new friend and the best thing about this was that he works with you. You even met up with Seokjins girlfriend. It was all perfect and without any worries until Friday came up.

You were talking to the last parent for Fridays evening. It was already 8 pm and you wanted to go home and rest a couple of hours. When you heard that Junho's parents won't be attending you offered to talk to the parents of your first graders. When the last parent left you packed your documents and stood up. You stretched your arms because you literally sat on the chair for more than an hour and your butt was aching as well. You yawned loudly and took your bag when suddenly someone knocked on the door. You already completed the list, did you forget someone? The person came in.

"I am so sorry. I thought I couldn't come because of my schedule but I rescheduled it. I hope I'm not too late" the men exclaimed without pausing once. At that moment you two made eye contact. His gaze met yours and went into a shocking expression.

"Y-Y/N?" He nearly whispered. Your heart fell from its place and your eyes widened. Surprised about him being here. Your heart started beating faster and suddenly, you felt the warm air surrounding you. You two didn't move one inch from your place. Taehyung. Kim Taehyung was standing in front of you. You sight went blur and you knew that you had tears in your eyes, immediately you looked away. No, no way you will let him see you in your weakest position. You inhaled in and pressed your eyes together. He was here. Don't show any weakness. You changed. You're a new person. You thought.

"It's okay Mr. Kim. Have a seat" you said formally, trying to sound as professional as you could. He was startled by your words but he took the offer, sitting down. You felt how shaky and sweaty your hands were while you took out the documents again as if nothing happened. You didn't dare to look into his eyes.

"Kim Junho. Y-your s-son-" you literally wanted to punch your face when you stuttered and paused. Suddenly he laid his hand on yours which startled you. His hands were so warm and you literally wanted them to hold onto your hands longer but you couldn't.

"So, it was really you that day" his voice cracked. You had to pull yourself together. With force, you pulled your hand out of his, glancing up at him.

"Y/N-" you cut him off, sending him your glare.

"You came here to talk about your son, please listen" but again he cut you off.

"Please let's talk" he was so frustrated it made you angry.

"There is nothing to talk about ok! You're here for your son, stop being so selfish" you actually talked with your mind, not with your heart. It was all mixed up because of him. Your anger was growing the more he talked.

"Now that I caught you I want to talk to you-" you stood up and packed your belongings, not looking at him anymore.

"Listen here Mr if you want to talk about personal issues you should call a therapist because I'm a teacher and stop bothering me" you were about to leave when he grabbed your wrist. You turned to him, trying to pull yourself out from his grip.

"Let me go!" You tried to free yourself but he was stronger than you, holding your wrist forcefully,

"I won't until you give me a chance to talk to you," he said being desperate while he tried making contact with your eyes. You sighed out of frustration. How many times does he want to break your heart again? How many times will he walk on the pieces which broke because of him?

"Taehyung! I don't have anything to talk about with you. Just leave" he shook his head but you finally freed yourself from his hands. You were walking to the door while he stared at your desk where you've left your keys. Suddenly, he grabbed them and ran up to the door, closing and locking it while holding the keys in his hand, firmly. He turned to you, staring at you with desperation.

"Are you serious?" You deadly glared up at him. You knew for sure that you would cry whenever he would start to talk. He just stood there quietly and looked at you. Him not saying anything made you even angrier. Your eyes shot up at him as you sighed loudly.

"You won't leave my side until you tell me everything, right? If that makes you happy, I will listen" you chuckled in a sarcastic way to cover up your cracking voice. You didn't know why you gave in but you had no chance than to listen. To be honest you were curious as well. Curious about what he wanted to tell you, what excuses he and most importantly how he was going to defend himself. He was trying to find words to start with but he failed. Your impatience grew and you let out another loud sigh.

"Are going to start or should I leave?" You asked, your voice sounding surprisingly calm. He shut his eyes as he breathed in deeply only to step closer. Once he opened his eyes, he pulled out his hands to reach out for your arms.

"Stop coming for me. Just stop it." He was really surprised because he didn't expect you to act that cold. He still had the shy Y/N in his memories and you not being all quirky in front of him made him realize again that he made a huge mistake.

"How dare you to come after me? I can't believe you" you whispered but he still heard. His silence was making you go insane and every feeling you had on that awful day was coming back. It was eating you up. Even though he wasn't talking, you made up his excuses in your mind.

"What did you think? Did you think that you will come after me gently, look into my eyes, talk sweetly to me and I will forget everything? Did you really think that easy of it?" He was still silent. His stare was glued to the ground and it irritated you that he wanted to talk but no words were coming out of his lips.

"What the hell did you think about?!" You yelled suddenly. Your loud voice was making him more nervous but he still remained the same. Eventually, he stared up at you but still avoided meeting your eyes. You rolled your eyes and tried to take the keys no matter where they laid. It didn't matter as long as you could leave. He didn't let you take them anyways.

"Give me back my keys" you demanded, holding out your hand.

"You really want to run away from me? Is that what you want? Huh?" He started fixing his gaze in yours. Your mouth dropped open and you furrowed your eyebrows.

"What the? You freaking lied to me for months. Wait! Not only you but your family and my fucking best friend as well. You fooled me. All of you." you pointed at him, stepping back as you let out a sad chuckle.

"I was so dumb, you probably made fun of me, right?" you asked, your voice being brittle as the tears came up on their own once your voice cracked.

"You let your own ex-become a huge part of our life without me knowing. You let me do anything for that little boy who was your son! I had no idea! Nobody told me! It wasn't freaking you who opened up to me. No! Instead, you humiliated me on my precious day. The day I hate and detest to most" you wiped away the tears, shutting your eyes and turning around. You walked up to your desk as you heard his footsteps walking closer to you.

"Everything has an explanation" he exclaimed being surprisingly calm. You laughed sarcastically, turning around to push him away only to run up to the door which was still closed. You wanted to escape this room, no matter how. Your anger literally wanted you to kick the door open.

"Yah! I still have an explanation." Taehyung clarified as he turned around to you as well, watching you how you were trying to open the door. You kicked the door and he started yelling, not minding that he actually was in a public school.

"Even for the worst crime the accused has the privilege of self-defense." He yelled, pointing his finger at you. At that moment you kicked the door with your feet the last time as you turned around furiously to run up at him.

"What do you have to say, huh? How the hell are you going to defend yourself?! What do you expect me to say, huh? Come on let us live happily together because you told me everything. Fuck!" At that moment your worst fear happened. You cried in front of him. Awfully and hurt. It wasn't just tears but your voice cracking, your shoulders shifting.

"I was in pain while you finished your plan successfully" you started laughing as you clapped your hands.

"Congratulations. I am so happy that you ran off with my best friend. I am so happy that you never trusted me-" you wanted to go on but he cut you off suddenly.

"You weren't the only one in pain!" You felt the anger boiling inside of you and you grabbed his collar furiously.

"What the hell? I was in pain you asshole! You know what? That might sound ridiculous but, sometimes I thought about you feeling the same pain as me but that was just so impossible. You had a son and you never told me about him-" you mumbled, biting your lip to prevent yourself from crying further.

"I hate you Kim Taehyung." you gritted your teeth at him, furrowing your eyebrows at him. "You disgust me! Screw you!" you started hitting his chest multiple times as he tried to hold your hands.

"I hate you so much" you mumbled within many sobs, staring up to look into his eyes.

"You gave a damn about my love for you," you said, your voice cracking, "Why did you have to come into my life? Why did you still hold onto my hands when you knew that you would throw me away?" you cried into his arms. Finally, he talked again, reaching out for your face as he tried to cup them.

"I swear to go, I only saw Somin again after you introduced me to her. Believe me, I seriously had no idea that the situation would take such a turn. Please let me explain-" you cut him off while pushing him back.

"You still had to tell me even before our wedding. We were in a relationship and you had to tell me! When did you ever saw me getting jealous over anything? Have you ever seen me acting irrationally because of my feelings for you? You had to tell me Taehyung! But why didn't you?" you calmed down, stepping back slowly as you glanced up at him.

"You know why and I know too. We both know the answers! Its because you felt guilty and your feelings for her never faded." you pointed to his chest being calm, inhaling the air which you lacked.

"You never loved me. I was just a replacement, right?" he shook his head and tried to come for you, again.

"Please hear me out" again you pushed him away, looking to the side and shutting your eyes. You didn't want to look at him anymore.

"Please, Taehyung just leave. I don't want to talk to you anymore. You don't owe me any explanation because you never felt sorry for what you did to me or else you wouldn't humiliate me on my wedding day" you nodded to yourself, still having your eyes shut.

"Just go," you said calmly, closing your eyes and having an arm raised in his direction to prevent him from reaching out for you. You heard a loud sigh and quiet steps which were leading to the door. The sound of keys unlocking the door filled the air but you still had your eyes closed.

"This isn't the way it's ending Y/N. I won't let you go until I finally told you everything. That is not our ending" with that he left the room, leaving you completely confused and frustrated. Once the door was shut you opened your eyes again.

___

@honeycutelove @jordank139 @helloitsai

[axelsagewrites]

Sirius Black*Group Project Part 1

Ship(s): Sirius x reader

Requested (?): Nope.

Warnings?: couple of mild swears 

Masterlist HERE

Wattpad HERE

Screw. Group. Projects.

I mean c’mon, what teacher actually thinks they’re a good idea? Either you’re with your friends and get no work done because you would rather do anything else than the actual project or you’re with random people in your class who couldn’t give an owl’s feather if you passed or not.

Also, it’s Hogwarts. Magic isn’t a group activity. Only one person actually fires the spell! But no Slughorn decided there was too much animosity in the class, so he wanted to ‘break down house division’ and ‘help us see eye to eye’.

Bull. Ever since James and lily actually got together there’s been no teenage drama for him to watch. So here we are waiting for him to go through his list as we stand at the front of the class. The chatter among my, albeit small, friend group died as he began to read. As the names were called out the group of 4 had to go find a station.

The stations began filling, from the back of course, and my friend group got smaller and smaller until I was stood there, alone, with 11 random classmates. Every group so far had someone from each house meaning at least 2 people were glaring at each other in every group.

I looked at the 10 others still up here. 2 Slytherins, 2 Hufflepuffs, 2 Ravenclaws, and 4 Gryffindor’s. This means there was at least 1 three. Not to promote stereotypes but please let me be in a group with a Ravenclaw! Or even a Slytherin, they get shit done! Hufflepuffs are nice about the fact they don’t do any work and Gryffindor’s are so hit or miss you don’t know what’s happening till the presentation! Not to be judgemental of course.

Luckily for me though I had no beef with anyone in the class. Some groups all were glaring at each other and some were refusing to even look at them.

3 more groups. C’mon. As he read 4 more names, none of which were mine, I watched as the two Ravenclaws, Hufflepuff, and Gryffindor walked away. Please be with the Slytherins, I kept repeating in my mind. And then he called 4 names…and none were mine…I was in a three…” So that means (Y/L/N), Mr. Black, and Mr. Davies will be our three. How exciting? Now I do believe there should be a station left,”

I just walked to the last station, easily the grimiest workbench in front of the storage cupboard by Slughorn’s desk and dumped my stuff. Soon Hufflepuff’s quidditch team captain sat across from me, his head instantly going on the desk. At least he was here, the other dude, I don’t know his first name, was over at James station starting a fight with Snape! And I only knew their names because it was the class's whole drama for the past week!

As the steam cleared from my ears, I saw a piece of paper fall on my desk. As I opened it, I overheard Slughorn telling Black to go sit down. ‘Good luck xx’. “What’s that?” The Gryffindor leaned over me to try to see my note. Rolling my eyes, I flipped it over to write a response and he sat next to me without another word.

“Okay class,” Slughorn proceeded to explain the project, not even noticing the paper flying between my friend and me. it sounded okay. Not exactly easy but not hard since the work was divided between four, well three for us, but still.

We had a week. It was okay, doable. Sure, it was a lot of waiting for things to brew but it’ll be fine. Until I saw the potion written down. It wasn’t like most potions where you mixed some ingredients together…we had to make 3 potions to then mix into one big potion then add some other weird ingredient!

The class was filled with chatter once Slughorn stopped talking. We were supposed to start planning our potion. My group, however, was silent. Sirius, as I had now learned, was passing notes between James and him in the most obvious way and I could hear the snores from the boy whose name I still didn’t know.

I’m not about to feed into Slughorn’s want of drama, especially since I don’t want to start something, so I began to write down a rough plan. Basically, a to-do list then we just had to assign the tasks.

I did until I realised, we had five minutes left. “Guys,” I said. Silence. My cheeks flushed as I cleared my throat, “Guys,” I said louder. The boy’s snores faltered for a moment before continuing. Sirius wasn’t even looking. I sighed as I grabbed my wand. Quickly, my hand barely touching the wand, I sent a zap at Sirius.

“Ow!” Sirius jumped, knocking the station and waking up the other boy, while almost falling out his seat, “What the hell was that?”

“Mr. Black,” Slughorn warned. “Back to work,”

Sirius turned in his seat, finally looking at me and the other boy. his eyes fell on the Hufflepuff “What did you do?”

“Nothing,” he shrugged.

Before a fight started, I jumped in, “Must’ve been an electric shock or something,” Sirius’ eyebrows furrowed at this, “It’s a muggle thing but um we should probably decide what we’re doing,”

The Hufflepuff sighed and rested his head in his arm, though still kinda paying attention. Sirius sighed but leaned over to look at the sheet. my whole body tensed as he leaned over, clearly not understanding personal space. My hand darted forward, pushing the sheet towards him, with a tight smile.

Sirius sat back, thank merlin, and looked over the sheet but the slight smirk on his face made me want to die. “Well, we could each do a potion then meet up to mix it all? Keeps it easy,”

“Yeah, that’s what I was thinking,” I said.

“Look at us, being a team already,” Sirius looked at the boy, “Mostly,” he muttered.

“I heard that,” the Hufflepuff said, finally sitting up, “I can’t do one. I’ve got training,”

“For a week straight?” To my surprise it was Sirius who was making him do the work, “I know Hufflepuff is bad but has it gotten worse or something?”

“Hey! How would you know? Last time you touched a broom it almost went into filches office,”

“I was drunk,” Sirius rolled his eyes, “After celebrating Gryffindor’s win,”

“Only because Potter cheated when he- “

“No one cheated! You just can’t take a loss,” Sirius raised his eyes.

“Mr. Black,” Slughorn warned, standing from his desk.

“Why are you standing up for him? Everyone knows he’s already washed up because he’s been too busy chasing that redhead- “

“Oi! That is so not true!” this time it was the Hufflepuff smirking, “You just can’t take the fact your team needs drugs to play- “

“That’s enough!” Slughorn bellowed, “Mr. Black, go see Professor McGonagall,”

“Sir there’s like 2 minutes left,” Sirius spat back.

“Then you better be quick,” Slughorn and Sirius glared at each other before Sirius stood, grabbing his bag and basically storming out. Before he could leave Slughorn followed with “Detention tomorrow, 8 pm on the dot,” Sirius slammed the door. Slughorn, and now the rest of the class, looked at us, “That applies to you too,”

“This is so not my fault. I have practise!”

Slughorn glared down at him, “I’m sure they can survive one practise,” when he went to speak again Slughorn cut him off, “I don’t hear (Y/L/N) complaining.” I just kept my head down. “tomorrow at 8pm, sharp.”

As the class began to pack up, I quickly looked at the potions, “Hey the second one only takes a little over an hour. Why don’t you do that one and well do the long ones?”

He glared at me as he stood, putting on his own bag. “What page?”

“38,” I said, quickly getting to my own feet, “If you finish it for Wednesday, I can mix it all for the Friday?” The bell went and the Hufflepuff just walked away. I held back either screams or tears of frustration as my friend walked up to me, “Kill me,”

But she didn’t and I showed up to detention the next day. 8pm, sharp, on a Friday. When I walked in no one was there, not even Slughorn. I debated whether or not to wait in here, in the corridor, to sit down. I’d never had detention before. Something about standing in an empty class made me feel wrong and I darted out to the corridor to wait.

As I walked out Slughorn and Sirius turned the corridor. “Thinking of leaving?” Slughorn asked.

“No-no sir. I um didn’t know if I should wait- “

“Just go in,” He cut me off, walking in himself.

“Never had a detention?” Sirius rolled his eyes, walking past.

I swallowed, following behind, “No,” his head wiped round, raising an eyebrow, “What?” I said. He chuckled and turned around, that smirk coming back.

“Now Mr. Davies won’t be joining us- “

“-That’s not fair- “

“As he was unable to get out of practise,” Slughorn raised his voice to talk over Sirius, “However he will get his detention later, I can tell you that much. As for you two,” he walked over to the sink, “you have the joy of washing these. Leftover cauldrons from first years,” I grimaced as I saw the green sludge on one of them smoking, “However I need to go for a teacher meeting so I will be leaving you unsupervised. Feel free to leave but only after all of these are clean,”

Slughorn walked towards to door to leave and Sirius muttered something under his breath, “Oh and- “Slughorn stopped and turned to us, “When I come back every dirty cauldron drops a letter grade from your project. Have fun,”

Once the door shut, I felt my heart sink. “So…” I said, instantly dying beside. Sirius looked at me and I had to look away, walking toward the sink, “Time to clean,”

The small laugh from his lips made a shiver go down my spine, “How have you never had detention?”

[1800-seungshine]

acts of kindness.

group: txt. member: choi yeonjun. genre(s): fluff, highschool!au. summary: a bandaid and an umbrella. who knew that a simple act of kindness one fateful day could lead to a blooming friendship and possibly even more. (bullet-point format) word count: 1.5k

note: what better way than to publish a scenario as a 100th post! this is my first time writing since last year and this time it’s not wanna one but about one of the txt boys. i’m very nervous about how it turned out ooft. hopefully, i didn’t butcher it too much since i haven’t watched a lot of videos to grasp yeonjun’s personality lmao. anyways, thank you for the likes, follows and reblogs i’ve been getting :’)) i appreciate it very much aheh. happy readings!

ok wow i’m so rusty 

bear with me y’all lmao 

i know that yeonjun would have probably graduated by now but let’s pretend that he didn’t lmao teleport yourselves to last year aight

choi yeonjun is known around the school for being one of the coolest and nicest seniors around.

he’s popular with all the girls, guys and even the teachers love him.

he’s involved in the dance club but also an honorary member in the music club. he’s the guy they call when they need someone to sing or rap.

basically,, sis is your talented all rounder smh how rude is he amirite

you were also a senior like yeonjun except you weren’t as famous around the school and you’re more involved in academic clubs. 

there are a large number of students who know you but that’s because you often help out with tutoring.

the teachers are quite fond of you as well since you’re quick to jump when they need help, even if they didn’t think they needed help.

overall, you’re a helpful person. 11/10 good citizen yknow.

but due to being in different classes, you don’t know yeonjun that well and vice-versa; you two only pass each other in the hallways.

hence you recognise his face but you don’t really know his name.

[inserts jungkook’s “i know her face but i don’t her name”]

you don’t know much about the social circles around the school since you usually find yourself cooped up in the library during break, helping out younger students with their assigned work

and if tutoring wasn’t the case, the academic clubs you’re in always seem to have endless lunch meetings.

look at me trying to fix a plot hole lmao

but you have heard the name yeonjun thrown around here and there

you just shrug it off though since you don’t know who the guy is or what he looks like.

your paths never really cross anyways.

but that won’t be the case for long :^D

it all started when yeonjun found himself in the school library, printing his assignment last minute (it was due the next class). 

being in such a rush, what yeonjun didn’t realise was that he gave himself a paper cut

“ack!” he feels a jolt of pain, causing him to stand there as he flails his hand around, a pained expression on his face as he internally screams because hey it’s free real estate the library

you were going over to the printer to collect the documents which were you but you momentarily stopped as you watched this dude making a bunch of pained expressions in a single minute, grumbling to himself.

from his endless mutterings, all you could make out was “why does paper hurt so much? why is the world forsaking me? i hate this library.” 

we love a dramatic boi

stifling a laugh, you walked over to check up on him. 

“hey are you ok?” 

realising someone had approached him, yeonjun pulls himself together as he clears his throat. 

“oh yeah, i’m good. just a paper cut, nothing major. i can handle it.” 

doubting his statement, you rummage in your skirt pocket for a bandaid and after successfully finding one, you hand it to him. 

“i experience paper cuts quite a lot. more than i want, really.” you tell him, chuckling a little bit, “here you go, just so it won’t irritate you as much.”

he looks down at the bandaid you gave to him, staring at the sky blue background and the drawing of a polar bear lying down. 

“what a cute bandaid.” yeonjun mumbles, chuckling in amusement at the design before he looks up, his eyes immediately meeting yours as he sends a smile. “thanks...” 

you reciprocate with a smile, “no worries.” you say to him before walking off. 

left in a small trance, yeonjun finally snaps out of it as he smacks his forehead. 

“i forgot to ask what her name was!”

time skip yeet 

it was nearing the end of another school day and of course being the last period of classes, you couldn’t help but to zone out for certain sections of it.

you stared out the window again, taking note of how the huge grey clouds that formed earlier began to cover the sky and rain started to fall.

as you watched the rain transition from light sprinkling and now pelting down, the school bell rings as realisation hits you. 

you didn’t bring your umbrella today. 

releasing a tiny groan, you shut your eyes in frustration before shaking your head at yourself. 

“seems like we’re walking home in the rain today.” you say to yourself as you pack your things, placing them in your bag. 

as you near the school doors, you briefly stop your tracks to take off your blazer, placing it over you as you let out a sigh, “well there’s no other choice.” 

with your blazer providing some sort of shelter, you exit out of the school gates in a rush. 

what you didn’t know was that someone was waiting for you.

choi yeonjun to be exact. 

he notices you power walk through the large groups of students walking together, with a blazer above your head. 

and suddenly he finds himself trying to catch up with you, “hey!”

luckily for yeonjun, his yelling caused you to halt and his long strides helped him block your path. 

forgetting his original plan of thanking you and asking for your name, he takes your blazer and places it in your arm whilst shoving the umbrella he had in your other hand. “take it, you’ll get sick.” 

“i- but,, what-” you fumbled, taken by surprise due to his sudden presence and gesture.

but before you could utter a coherent sentence, yeonjun had already turned the other direction, running in the pouring rain. 

time skip bleep bloop.

the next day, you made sure you went to school earlier than usual. 

you stopped by a convenience store on the way to school, purchasing a box of chocolate milk as a way of saying thanks to the guy who helped you out the previous day.

unsure of what time yeonjun would arrive, you aimlessly walked back and forth the hallways where you usually see him.

with the chocolate milk in one hand and the umbrella in the other, you take a look at the flower patterned design on it, grinning at it in amusement.

you chortled in amusement when you saw it last night, wondering how a guy who seemed so cool had such an umbrella. 

as you direct your gaze away from the umbrella, you look up to see a figure walking down the hallway. 

“hey umbrella guy!” you let out a small yell, waving your arm as you were sure of the familiar face.

hearing your voice, yeonjun then jogs lightly to you with a cheeky grin plastered on his face. 

“oh, hey bandaid girl.” 

you raise a brow at the nickname, smiling softly. “bandaid girl?” you repeat before snapping out of the thought at how cute the nickname was.

getting to your original point, you hand him the things in your hands, “this is for you!”

yeonjun slightly tilts his head to the side, looking down at the umbrella and the chocolate milk.

“just a simple gesture to say thanks since i didn’t get the chance to do so yesterday.” 

he lets out a small chuckle, placing his bag down to unzip his bag, putting the umbrella back before pulling out a carton of strawberry milk.

standing upright, yeonjun places the strawberry milk in your hands. “seems like we had the same idea, i wanted to say thanks for the bandaid but i didn’t get the chance either.” 

taking the strawberry milk from him, you let out a soft laughing as you sheepishly scratch your cheek out of habit. 

“this is quite strange, i don’t really know your name so i don’t know whether to call you umbrella guy or to ask what your name is before thanking you.” 

forming a wide grin, yeonjun stretches out his hand, “the name’s choi yeonjun but umbrella guy also works i guess. nice to meet you.” 

“oh you’re yeonjun. oh goodness, i should have known.” you say with realisation, hitting your forehead lightly before replying with a similar grin, “i’m y/n but bandaid girl’s just as fine.” 

you take his outstretched hand, shaking it as firmly as possible, sending a sweet smile at his way. 

“it’s very nice to meet you, yeonjun and thanks for the strawberry milk.” 

“likewise, y/n. thanks for the chocolate milk as well, i appreciate it.” 

having twenty minutes of free time, the two of you open your cartons of milk as you walk around the school, spending some time chatting with one another.

“so you’re choi yeonjun, the popular senior who everyone thinks is cool right?” 

“yeap, and you must y/n the smart tutor senior?”

“smart isn’t the proper word but i do tutor the younger grades.”

“wait— hang on! what do you mean by everyone thinks i’m cool? i am cool.”

“well, that’s what i first thought too when i heard stories about you but your flower patterned umbrella ruined it.” 

“ok hold on,,, that was my mom’s.” 

“uhuh ok.” 

“what? you don’t believe me?? :’(”

as the day slowly begins, the empty hallways begin to be filled with laughter and voices of two people who never really knew the impact of their benevolence until now. 

[marshmallow-phd]

Charming Instruction

Part of The Untamed - EXO Wolf Universe

Genre: Supernatural, Wolf Au

Pairing: Junmyeon x Reader

Summary: You were just an average, everyday college student desperately trying to graduate. Only one more year stood between you and that celebratory walk. However, due to an oversight by your adviser, it seemed that the one class you never wanted to take was required to take that walk. It wasn’t the subject matter that made you uncomfortable. It was the teacher. Your heart sped up every time you saw him and you didn’t want that distraction in your life, attractive or not. With meeting him now an inevitability, you swore that you would keep your hormones in check. But after your first day of class, a series of hi jinks and weird situations lead you to discovering the secret of your professor and why he seemed to bombard your every thought.

Part: 1 I 2 I 3 I 4 I 5 I 6 I 7 I 8 I 9 I 10 I 11 I 12 I 13 I Final

**

No, no, no, no, this could not be happening to you.

For the last month, you’d carefully planned this day. It was the first day of your last year of college. You’d picked out the outfit - fully aware that within two weeks you’d throw all cares of your looks and clothes out the window - and meticulously scheduled your day to be able to start off your year right. And you needed this year to go as smoothly as possible. As a senior, these last two semesters were the most important of your life. Three previous years of hard work could go down the drain if you didn’t keep your focus.

Okay, you could still probably graduate, but you wanted all the honors that came with graduating with top grades. And you wanted to make your parents proud. And you needed the good GPA in order to get a good internship or entry job after graduation.

When you’d sat down with your advised a few months previous to go over your schedule for the upcoming school year, you’d been itching with excitement. The classes that awaited you weren’t too difficult, but they would definitely be challenging and require your absolute attention. Which – given your past history – shouldn’t have been a problem.

Until the ultimate bombshell was dropped by your adviser.

You wanted to be an archaeologist. Someday. For now, you were settling for field assistant because you didn’t want to spend any more years sitting in a classroom reading about great finds when you could be a part of them. You didn’t care if your name was just a footnote about the people who were present in the digs, you just wanted to experience the thrill of finding evidence of an ancient civilization.

But to even get that far, you needed to graduate college. To graduate college in your specific field, you needed to check off all required classes. And you thought you had.

One little folklore class, one little elective that you had once been told was only an option and one you didn’t have to take, had snuck by you. When your adviser explained to you that there must have been some misunderstanding and that this class was in fact a required credit in order for you to complete your degree, your stomach had dropped. It was like your worst nightmare coming true. Not quite that dramatic, but close enough.

It wasn’t the subject matter that made you want to avoid the class. Actually, you found it somewhat intriguing considering how myths and old lore helped shaped the old world and influence their everyday lives. As someone who wanted to keep their focus on ancient civilizations, it probably would be a good class to have under your belt.

If only it was taught by someone else.

There was nothing wrong with Professor Kim. Maybe that was the issue. He was too… perfect. From the way he styled his hair to the glasses perched on his nose to the button-downs and slacks he wore for lectures.

It was your sophomore year of college that you first laid eyes on him. He was a brand new professor and the talk of the campus. Every other teacher on campus looked like the average college professor who was typically much older than the student population and usually had the fashion sense of two decades ago. Not to mention, most of them weren’t as fit or well put together. But when you walked out of the library with your two best friends, you realized that all of the gossip about the latest addition to the university staff was more than just talk and he was nothing like the average professor.

He was standing profile from you at over fifty feet away talking to other teachers, but your glasses helped you focus enough to be able to see his face. And your heart nearly leapt out of your chest and ran in his direction at full speed.

You were so enamored by his too-classic looks that you tripped over your own feet and nearly took Gemma down to the ground with you. In your embarrassment, you took off with Gemma and Cam, your two best friends, on your heels, calling out for an explanation. When you finally came to a stop, you huffed out what they wanted to know. Of course, they just laughed at you and your innocence when it came to attraction of the opposite sex.

After your disastrous freshman year relationship of seven months, you’d sworn off relationships and had never even given the thought of dating a chance since, too focused on your career goals to entertain the idea. Besides, you didn’t exactly know how to interact with them anyway. Sure, you’d had guy friends in the past, but that was different. You weren’t attracted to them. Maybe you just weren’t built for it. You were too awkward and didn’t exactly have the “street smarts” to navigate that world.

It was probably for the best. You never really found anyone that gave you butterflies or made you blush, anyway. There had never been a chemical reaction in your body like that ever not even with your fluke of an ex-boyfriend. Until you saw Professor Kim.

And that was exactly why you’d abstained from ever taking his class or stepping anywhere near him. If you saw even one single hair of his head, you’d take off in the opposite direction. The feeling you got in your chest whenever you caught a glimpse of him scared you. Keeping your head in your books and studies until graduation and then going on a dig far away from this place sounded like the perfect plan. And for the past two years, you’d done a bang up job of it.

It seemed fate just really liked to kick you down when you were skipping along happily.

In the end, there was no way around taking the class and you were forced to have your name added onto the list, probably bumping off some poor, unfortunate student who had thrown away the money just to be able to spend time in the presence of Professor Kim on a weekly basis.

You were a planner, though. And every plan had its deviations, right? Now that you were stuck in that lecture hall, you’d simply make sure that you sat all the way in the back where Professor Kim would be nothing but an ant in your vision. Most of the time, you might even be able hide him from your line of sight with your laptop.

In order for this mastery to work, you needed to wake up early enough to get from your apartment right across the street from the university to the classroom to secure your seat in the back. But you also had to make sure that you didn’t arrive too early so that it would only be you and maybe a few other students scattered across the room while Professor Kim wandered around the front getting ready for the first day of class.

You were initially set up for success. The alarm was programmed and on the highest volume your phone would allow. It was plugged in for the night to charge and you’d already picked out your outfit so there would be no time wasted in the morning.

Instead of waking up to your obnoxious alarm, however, you were woken up by a pillow to the face.

You snarled as you sat up in bed, sleep still crusty around your eyelids that refused to open all the way. Gemma was standing in your doorway, leaning against the frame with her arms crossed and one wrist elevated as she stared at the watch.

“Don’t you have class in like twenty minutes?” she snickered.

Still half asleep, you scratched the back of your head. “No. My alarm hasn’t gone off yet.”

“Try again.” Gemma stepped up closer to you and showed you the time.

Shit!

You grabbed your phone and pressed the home button to check what had happened. Then you found the issue. At some point, probably very early in the night, the charger had come out of the plug in the wall and your phone had died. You wanted to cry.

Jumping up out of bed, you were at least thankful for the clothes already laid out. You’d have to skip any other form of grooming and pampering this morning beyond a quick fix of your hair. After grabbing a granola bar and chugging a glass of juice, you ran out the door and prayed that you didn’t forget anything behind and that you still had a good spot to sit in.

When you arrived in the lecture hall, your stomach plummeted to the floor.

All the chairs in the back were taken, mostly by the male students, or those who just really didn’t care about the face of the teacher up front.

Slowly, you took one step down at a time, searching for any empty seat that you could take. Every semester, the World Folklore class was filled to capacity. There was even rumor of a waiting list to take the class. How could one professor be so popular, magazine-level handsome or not?

Finally finding the one empty seat in the entire room, you nearly cried. It was in the third row, right near the middle. What were the odds of that being the one chair that was free?

You scooted past the other students, apologizing on the way. One tiny piece of luck you got, at least, was that you didn’t hit any of the students with your bag. Settling down in the chair, you tried not to look too forlorn as you pulled out your laptop and readied yourself for the period.

Professor Kim wasn’t in the classroom yet, for which you were a little thankful. As you kept your head down on the keyboard in front of you, your glasses kept sliding down your nose and you kept pushing them back up a bit aggressively.

The consistent hum around the hall died out. Looking up, you shrank back in your seat. Now was the time. Just breathe, don’t settle on his face. You could do this. You could keep your mind focused on the material and not the teacher.

Walking up to the middle of the room and leaning up against the desk, Professor Kim smiled brightly.

“Welcome, everyone, to World Folklore. This class is about delving into ancient societies and learning about their stories that shaped their cultures.” As he went on with his lecture, his eyes searched around the room aimlessly, never settling even as the occasional student sat up straighter. “I want you to really get inside your heads and really tear these stories apart. Don’t be intimidated by the course work or the speed at which we go through the different types of stories. Unlike other credits, I want you to have fun and-”

He stopped suddenly, his hand that was keeping him balanced against the desk slipping and making him jerk a bit before stabilizing himself.

And he was looking right at you.

The smile was gone from his face, replaced with shock and awe. You shifted in your seat. Why wouldn't he just look away?

With a shake of his head, he did just that, after several seconds too long.

“I want you to have fun and really explore the possibility of ‘why’.” His earlier enthusiasm was gone, replaced by a slight nervousness. “Why did they create these stories? Why were they so scared of these tales? As we break down the different mythological creatures and their spread over the world, we just might end up answering those questions.”

While that might have been the same speech he gave every semester, you had a feeling that no classroom had ever heard it spoken quite like that.

Professor Kim spent the rest of the hour going over the syllabus and his expectations of the semester. Explaining in few details the different papers that would be written over the next few months, you had a sneaking suspicion that he was avoiding your section of the room. He’d always turning quickly, giving a majority of his attention to the left and right sides of the stadium seating. Somehow, rather than putting you at ease, it made you even more uncomfortable.

Your personal reasoning for wanting to avoid Professor Kim and keep your bubbling hormones in check was logical. Why Professor Kim was acting in a similar manner towards you was the real question. You’d never actually met the guy so there was no way he knew who you were. Right?

The time for the end of class came. From your experience, the professor always stayed behind in case of questions or simply took their time gathering up their things to avoid the sea of exiting students. Professor Kim did no such thing. Leaving behind his papers, he practically ran out the back door.

Murmurs echoed around you and you even felt a few questioning stares thrown your way. It was hard, but you suppressed the whimpers that were tempting your vocal cords and tried to stay invisible as you hurried up the stairs and to your next class for the day.

**

This was not happening. This was not happening.

Waking up this morning, Junmyeon had been in a good mood. He’d gotten up in time to get ready, picking out a nice tie to match his light blue shirt hanging from his door. The break between semesters had been a bit boring, just keeping an eye on his brothers and making due with what the town had to offer while he waited for the new school year to start.

But now the new semester was here and Junmyeon was going to be back in the classroom where he loved being.

Everything had gone smoothly as he drank his coffee without spilling any on him, made it to the college without terrible traffic and in plenty of time for his first class. The only mishap was running into Yoo Shin, a fellow history professor at the university. Catching up with him had nice, but it made him a few minutes late and Junmyeon couldn’t stand tardiness.

The students hushed as soon as he came in. It happened every year, but it still boosted Junmyeon’s ego a bit with how easily he could quiet the room. Going into the usual speech to loosen his new students up, he sized up the audience, letting his eyes roam around the room.

And then he found you.

Right there in the third row was the person he’d been searching for so long a time. The shock of you appearing in front of him made him lose his train of thought. He couldn’t even remember the rest of his speech.

But you were his student.

Of course he’d be in this situation. Nothing in his life could be easy for him, could it?

Anyone else in the world, he’d be happy to pursue, to finally get to know his mate. He couldn’t exactly start a relationship with his student. It went against his personal standards... and school statues.

Unable to remember to rest of his usual spiel, Junmyeon had to make up the remaining part of his speech on the fly, cringing on the inside. Was he even making any sense? It was the hardest thing to keep his focus on anything but you and that was making it difficult to know what was even leaving his mouth.

So close. You were so close to him, but he had to act like you were just another student, like you weren’t the most precious thing to him on this earth now as the wolf in his chest whined with glee. After waiting so long for his mate to show up, it seemed like a miracle - and like a slap to the face.

A professor and his student. It sounded like a bad drama. He didn’t even know your name. He’d learn it soon, but he wanted to learn it by introducing himself like a normal person, not by the papers and quizzes you’d hand in.

Groaning, Junmyeon tossed his glasses down on the desk and hid his face in his hands.

As soon as class had ended, he’d booked it out of there and headed straight for the sanctuary of his office. It would have been too tempting to stay behind, to try and catch you and talk to you. He wanted to hear your voice. Was it as delicate as you looked? Or was it stronger, sassier, taking anyone who might underestimate you by surprise?

He’d already caught bad attention from the other students given his very obvious reaction to you. Keeping you after class right after that would have started rumors. That was not something Junmyeon needed right now.

Knock, knock, knock.

Junmyeon jumped at the noise, his heart racing in his chest. It didn’t calm down until Sehun poked his head in.

“Hey,” Junmyeon nodded, leaning back in his chair.

Sehun smirked. “It’s day one. You can’t be this stressed out already?”

Junmyeon shook his head. “I’m just needing a second cup of coffee, that’s all.”

The look on Sehun’s face clearly said that he wasn’t buying it, but right now wasn’t the time to talk about it. Junmyeon knew that divulging the latest upset in his life would come with a hail of questions. Ones that he didn’t have answers to yet. So, instead, he’d keep that information to himself. At least until he knew who you were and how to get to know you without crossing any lines.

“Well, I’m not getting you any,” Sehun teased as he shut the office door behind him.

“I wasn’t even going to bother asking,” Junmyeon laughed. Resting his elbows on the desk, he asked, “What are you doing here? Don’t you have class?”

“Not for another hour,” Sehun shrugged, sitting down in the chair across from him. “I was bored, so I figured I’d come bother you since you aren’t busy with grading yet.”

“That’ll start soon, though,” Junmyeon reminded him.

Putting his feet up on the desk, Sehun leaned back in the chair and folded his hands behind his head. “Until then, you’ll have to continue beating the girls off with a stick.”

Junmyeon shoved the feet off. “That joke is old.”

“Still better than yours.”

It was hard, but Junmyeon let that slide. The guys were always making fun of his jokes, calling them weak and overused. But he liked keeping the mood up and that was one of the few ways he knew how.

“So, why aren’t you hanging out with the others instead?” he asked.

Sehun scrunched his face up in an annoyed fashion. “Everyone is hanging out with their mate in between classes. I prefer not to be around that too much.”

“It’s not an infectious disease,” Junmyeon laughed.

“Might as well be,” Sehun grumbled. “With how quickly everyone’s finding their mates, it feels like the pack has been passing around a cold. Not that I care too much, but I’d still prefer not to catch it next.”

Junmyeon sighed and smiled at his youngest brother. “It’s simply the natural order of things for our species. One day, yours will find you and you’ll start singing a different tune.”

Sehun cringed. “Can I be last?”

With a scoff, Junmyeon waved him out of his office. “Just go get ready for class. Or go find Tao, he’s with you on not wanting a mate.”

“Alright, alright, I’ll get out of your hair.” Standing up, he headed for the door. With one hand on the doorknob, he looked over his shoulder and asked, “Hey, hyung?”

“Yeah?”

“If something was going on, you’d tell me, right?” The look on his face was suddenly so innocent and trusting. Junmyeon almost gave in and told him to sit back down.  

Junmyeon let one corner of his lip to turn up into a sorrowful smile. “Yeah, of course. If something comes up, I’ll tell you.”

Once Sehun was gone, Junmyeon picked up his glasses and placed them back on to his face. He didn’t necessarily think it was a lie. Eventually, he’d tell Sehun and the rest of the pack about finding his mate. He just needed some time to wrap his head around the situation. After that, he’d say something.

They were so going to give him crap for this.

[siriusist]

 tagged by @anathenma WOO GIRL <3

rules: tag 10 followers you want to get to know better

name: Lauren

gender: Female

star sign: Virgo Sun || Leo Moon || Leo Ascendent, which basically means I have the usually quiet reserved personality of an analytical, organised virgo on the fact of things, am usually the goofy, chill friend amongst my friends, and don’t like to take anyone’s shit, but if I am disrespected, I’m a sensitive six foot flower and withdraw from the world until I can get over it. xD I don’t like conflict.

height: 183cm/6 feet 

age: 27 (YIKES XD)

wallpaper on my phone: (I had to check XD) A calendar of May 2020 stylistically arranged around ribbons

house: Slytherin

ever crush on a teacher: Both my parents and my uncle are teachers and consequently I knew every teacher in my school as actual human people and not ‘crushes’ growing up. So no. XD

coolest halloween costume: I went as the Starbucks logo one year when I was eight, a gigantic Lady Luck die one year with a top hat covered in poker chips and cards. I had some good ones I made: I was creative as fuck when I was 9-11 especially, and I had to be, because I was already around 5′7 and people assumed I was just some weirdo dressing up to get candy (Hearing ‘AREN’T YOU A LITTLE OLD TO BE TRICK OR TREATING’ at eleven CRUSHED me XD)

Favorite 90s tv show: 

Okay. So there’s one’s I watched actually as a child of the 90s, and ones that were just always ON in the 90s that I ended up watching. It’s debatable whether these are actually good NOW. XD

That being said, the background ones were Saved By the Bell (ZACH MORRIS IS TRAAAAassssh~~), Boy Meets World, Seinfeld, Everybody Loves Raymond.

As a kid, I loved the Aladdin Animated Series, The Hercules Animated Series, CHIP AND DALE RESCUE RANGERS (Which didn’t really hold up sadly but still has the best theme song of all time, fight me), and Timon and Pumbaa.

One I rarely caught but really liked was All That, The Wonder Years, Sabrina the Teenage Witch- occasionally Fresh Prince.

Out of all of these, I still have a super fond spot for Saved By the Bell, especially with the ‘Zach Morris is Trash’ series on Youtube (Seriously, go watch it. It’s fucking hilarious and basically breaks down how much of a serial killer in the making Zach Morris is XD). The clothing is ridiculous and no one really dressed like that in the early 90s outside of commercials and TV (unfortunately). Maybe one shoddy item out of the bunch. Meanwhile Saved by the Bell is like LETS PUT IT ALL ON. XD It was terrible once they got to college, but it was stupid and fun and made me feel ‘cool’ watching it because I was like three and being like, “YEAH, IT’S BRIGHT AND THESE PEOPLE ARE COOL AND I CAN FOLLOW THE PLOT. I’M MATURE.” XD It’s literally still the only one of these I actively watch now in the form of Zach Morris is Trash, so I’ll go with it. xD

Last kiss: Never had a consensual kiss. Make of that what you will. xD

Have you ever been stood up: Nope.

Favourite pair of shoes: 

I have terrible plantar fasciitis from sports, so I’m a shoe snob, and have to have properly fitting/constructed shoes. It depends on what I’m doing in them, really. I got a pair of trail running shoes for trail running during COVID, but they’re not the most aesthetically pleasing. I’d say the best mixture between comfort and style are either a good ol’pair of black ankle boots with a slight heel (so I can be 6′2 and intimidate people with my height muhahahaha), or more practically on a day to day basis, I have a pair of Reeboks that are 90s-styled with pastel pink and blue triangles on the side. They’re pretty dope. xD

have you ever been to vegas: No, but my parents have. Basically, they said you tire of shopping after two days, and then you’re just stuck inside hotels and shopping malls there. If you’re not a gambler, drinker, or have a ton of money to splash out on stage shows, I don’t think it’s particularly worth going.

favorite fruit: Mango or raspberry, but they’re super-expensive in the land of Maple Syrup so I usually don’t get them any other way other than frozen in smoothies.

Favourite book:

 I could never choose a favourite book. It’s literally like choosing between children. It’s my microcosmic version of Sophie’s Choice. xD Tasteless joke aside, it’d honestly depend on the occasion. There’s a huge difference between entertainment reading, literary exploits, and educating yourself through books as a whole. 

My ‘plane’ book (which I’m terrible at flying, so that was a joke), as in, an easy, fun, instantly rereadable read to read on the plane when I used to have super long fifteen hour flights to Australia, was always Mario Puzo’s ‘The Godfather,’ because I also had a huge crush on Michael Corleone. 

But it’s also not the ‘best’ book and literally spends an inordinate and honestly disturbing amount of time on the fact that this poor woman in the story (which thankfully in the film, it gets cut down), but the bridesmaid Sonny Corleone has sex with, and how you see his wife indicating his ‘size’?

THAT’S LITERALLY AN ENTIRE SUBPLOT OF THIS BROAD’S STORY I SHIT YOU NOT BECAUSE NOTHING IS ‘BIG’ ENOUGH FOR HER AFTER HIM AND THEN YOU FIND OUT SHE HAS A MEDICAL CONDITION AND GOOD FOR HER SHE’S ABLE TO FIND LOVE AGAIN BUT WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK MARIO PUZO XD IT WAS A LOT OKAY.

(Footnote: I also suffered through his horrific sequels because I love Michael Corleone and will take him in any form he comes in, even horrifically written Sicilian backhill exploits that were never told to us in the original book and were clearly just written because Puzo needed another pay check but I digress.)

Horrific subplots aside, I really enjoy The Godfather for its sheer pulpiness. The book is essentially what Andrew Lloyd Weber is to musicals. xD (Yes, I come with musical theatre burns. Fight me.)

In terms of a piece of literature that I think is amazingly well done? Things Fall Apart by Chinua Achebe, or Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury.

Stupidest thing you ever done: 

Um, maybe when I was at Cambridge I tried to dye my roots to match the rest of my ‘blonde’ hair at the time, and it turned out bright orange? And because it’s Cambridge, they had this super-strict attendance policy, so I was literally trying not to hyperventilate because it was running close to class (which was across campus) and I was trying to find some way to remedy my hair without it falling out/ someone asking about it. So, I grabbed a toque-cap-thing despite it being literally one of the hottest summer on record in the UK (It was like 35 degrees, it was MENTAL), and had to sprint to class all the way on the other side of campus from my college dodging dodgy tourist groups blocking the sidewalk while I went. Then when I sat down inside, I had to be weirdly rude and wear my hat inside the lecture hall even though the professor was looking at me (it was a specialised program in German Literature) like, “Are you going to take that shit off?” xD THEN I tried to dye it back to brown, and it literally looked like mud mixed with a runny egg had exploded on the top of my head; it was AWFUL. XD So FINALLY I did my research and found a salon, but by THAT point I had done 250 pounds worth of damage to my hair (WHICH IS LIKE 400 DOLLARS CANADIAN AT THE TIME), and I almost had a heart attack and thanked my lucky stars that I had money put away so I could give my parents the ‘parent price’ when they asked why they hadn’t seen me on FaceTime or Skype for like, three weeks, and I replaced my face with a photo of John Cleese from Fawlty Towers, which they tease me about to this day. xD

The other dumbest thing I ever said was when I was so desperate for friends in grade six when I moved to a new school (and because being American was ‘cool’ at the time, apparently), I told everyone I was a dual citizen because my mother LITERALLY GAVE BIRTH TO ME ON THE BORDER CROSSING WHAT. XD And bless this poor bespectacled girl named Mara (who was actually a little class friend of mine), who just said timidly in the back, “That’s not how citizenship works.” xD It basically came out of attempting to be cool and failing, but I’m still SO embarrassed about THAT one that I’d never admit it to ANYONE besides shouting it out into the Tumblr black hole. xD I’m still embarrassed to THIS DAY.

All time favorite shows: 

 I’ll go for the original run of The Twilight Zone, which has some schmaltzy episodes (I’m really not a fan of any of the episodes entirely dedicated to the Space Race or the weird cowboy fanaticism of the fifties/ sixties, or anything that’s overtly like “ALIENS DID IT SO THERE”), but I LOVE their psychological horror episodes or Dystopian episodes. It’s when Rod Serling’s writing and narrative voice is the strongest and most prophetic, and the twists are usually the best. Other shows have tries to imitate it, or reboot it, but I really think the original, due to Rod Serling’s unmatchable voice, in every sense of the word. There’s lists of some of the greatest episodes, but I remember LOVING the episode ‘A Stop at Willoughby.’ The twist literally made me clap my hands in horror and delight, it was amazing. xD

Other than that? Off the top of my head, Mad Men and Band of Brothers, even though I haven’t rewatched either in ages.

last movie you saw in theaters: 

Oh God, before all THIS hit? Probably Rise of Skywalker. I get agoraphobic and itchy if a movie theatre is too busy, and we only have really pokey sort of ones nearby that you’re guaranteed to see someone you went to high school with (terrible), so now that I can properly drive I go out to the big redneck theatre out in the boonies. I miss living in Montreal though, because when you live in a big city like that downtown (and can actually afford to live there), you could see blockbuster movies at like ten in the morning. xD Which would be AMAZING because I’d go to see any of the early Avengers/Marvel movies when they opened, the day of opening, and it was literally me, one old man who fell asleep halfway through and sat near the back, and maybe an elderly couple on a morning date to the movies. xD I get really annoyed with obnoxious movie-goers, and I’m really picky about just being completely absorbed in the movie, so I tend not to go unless I’m guaranteed that space. 

tagging: Anyone who wishes to tag me back so I can learn about them <3

[fisherfurbearer]

I would absolutely live to hear about Future Plans and heritage fruits! My partners and I are looking at buying a house by the end of the year and I'm so excited at the prospect of a back yard to fill with food plants and gardening and everything! So I'd love to know more about someone else's plans!!

mmMMMMMMMMMMMMMM YOU OPENED THE CAN OF WORMS THE WORMS ARE OPEN THEY ARE EVERYWHERE NOW!!!! OHHHHHHH JEEZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOTHING CAN STOP THIS!!!!

MMMMMM. I LOVE. DOMESTIC CROPS AND ANIMALS. SO MUCH.

SPECIFICALLY “heritage” varieties. The pre-industrial/commercial varieties that people lived on for hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of years, or even the stuff younger than that, it’s just...so!! Good!!!

You didn’t QUITE ask for this but this is where I’m going with it. I LOVE. LOVE. LOVE. The HISTORY of our domesticated crops (specifically fruits and vegetables, but mostly Tree Fruits!!!! But I’m also suuuuper partial to heirloom sweet potatoes/normal potatoes even though I don’t like the taste of sweet potatoes, they’re just SO FRICKING COOL and I want to learn more about other vegetables too) and animals is just....HOOOOO!!!!

Locally adapted,, perfect little....NUGGETS that just...perfectly fit their own SPECIFIC LITTLE NICHES...no matter WHERE you live, no matter HOW much space you have, no matter HOW good or bad your soil, NO MATTER WHAT, there is ALWAYS something to grow or raise, and we can thank so, so much of that to the incredible variety of heritage crops/animals (and methods of agriculture) out there. Mild, cold, hot! Lots of space, little space, no space!! Fertile, barren!! Every condition in every color and shape and flavor and size and ahhhhhhh!!!!! AHHHH!!!!

Hold onto your butts because this is one Hell of a Mega Ramble okay, there is so much to talk about here, oh man.

Some background, which you can skip if you want...!!! It’s a LOT and it get’s VERY NEGATIVE but also VERY GOOD AND HOPEFUL, it’s a real big story and it’s My Story and gives a lot of insight into Why I’m Like This but it’s okay to skip for sure!! Anyway:

I’ve been researching (i.e. writing literally 1.5-2k+ words nearly every single day) for literally 7 years now about all of my various Passions and Plans in life. Obviously breaks were taken due to Sad Times but no matter what I did, no matter what happened, I’d always come back to my dumb awful stupid notes. I have notes on my current laptop, my old harddrive, my SO’s laptop, my stepdad’s laptop, my SO’s OLD gaming laptop, my old netbook, my OLD OLD netbook, every phone I’ve had in the past 7 years (which has been like uhh...five? I have bad luck with phones..) and COUNTLESS pieces of paper and cheap composition books.

To call it research, it seems to silly. Writing these words here, to you strangers on the internet, I CANNOT EXPRESS TO YOU how VITAL these notes are to my VERY EXISTANCE.

I have been researching and writing and talking to folks and asking questions and LIVING AND BREATHING this stuff for LITERALLY, LITERALLY HUNDREDS AND HUNDREDS if not ALMOST A THOUSAND OR MORE HOURS at this point!!!! If we were to actually SOMEHOW backtrack all the way to late 8th grade/freshman year when I first started dipping my toes into reptiles and fell in love with my first jumping spider that landed on my arm after I read Darren Shan’s Cirque Du Freak, after being so fascinated by the intelligent giant magic tarantula in the first book, and gathered ALL of my notes from then to NOW (I’m 21 now, if I was in college, I’d be graduating next May) it would EASILY surpass that. For YEARS in high school my family thought I was always playing games on my laptop, but really from the moment I got home to the moment I went to bed, I was watching lets plays with one side of the screen and reading, reading, reading, and writing, writing, writing with the other. For HOURS. Every. Single. Day.

Hell, this has been my most recent “Renaissance” of writing, after The Big Realization of earlier this year (I’ll get to that), and this is AFTER I went on a horrible depressed/manic rampage and deleted like 80% of my notes (that would have been from...hmm. This is what I didn’t delete, what Jessie recovered, and what I’ve added...so March to Early September, when Jessie switched my notes to a new program (I lost a lot of notes from lack of autosaving so now they’re on our nextcloud so I can’t lose them...but I’m too stubborn to use it still) and this is still like. A lot.

Keep in mind the average 10-11 kb file is 1500-1700 words for me. My biggest files (only of the ones I still have, on this laptop) are 40-60 kb. (Also these are Big Secrets that I don’t ever show anyone but Jessie, who I’ve been with now for almost 7 years, so this is pretty dang important to me and a big thing to be revealing.)

Current folder I’m usually saving to:

Nextcloud I don’t bother to use usually but probably should use:

Again, this is ONLY on my newest laptop, and this DOESN’T include the files I deleted a few months ago, nor the files I lost from February-early April after Jessie updated my computer and wiped my files, and I still have a BUTTLOAD left on my old harddrive from last year, but we never moved it up and I don’t feel a need to. (I’ve learned so much. So. Much. In the past year. I think I’ve matured a lot and really become more...Me. But I’ll get to that.)

Also doesn’t include the SEVERAL notebooks I’ve filled front to back this year (cheap $0.50 ones from work...I’ve blown through a couple biggish ones and I think 2-3 little quarter-size memo books) and all the receipt papers I have crammed into my work uniform...

But anyway why is this important? It really helps iron in just how HUGE this is to me. My future “Plans” aren’t just...it’s really important to me. Okay? I am but a humble stranger on the internet and my life and everyone elses’ respective lives are infinitely more complex than we can ever dare imagine one anothers’ existences to be, but just trust me when I say that I’m not pulling this from nowhere, this shit isn’t some sort of “fad” to me, this has been a long, long series of events and realizations and heartbreaks and so, so much pain that have finally led to everything kinda falling into place sometime this year where it hit me.

You see...all of my research topics followed a pattern. It went, in my rough memory, something like this.

It started with reptiles. Lots of reptiles. So many reptiles. I was so naive and young then and my sources sucked and I was very much a novice who dreamed of owning all sorts of cool reptiles when I got older, and of getting a gecko when I went to college. That was how it started and it went downhill from there. I branched off into gardening (I wanted and still want a blue tongue skink and had thoughts about how I’d grow a garden for vegetables and squashes and stuff for the skink and feeder insects) and THAT grew into this whole THING about raised bed gardening, square foot gardening, then into permaculture, which planted the seed for many things to come...and now I’ve ALWAYS LOVED BIRDS,, but when I learned that keeping CHICKENS was a thing (thank you Jennifer (Nambroth)!!!!!!!!!! Our emails back and forth are still saved forever, our talks about chickens changed my life and way of thinking Forever!!!) and I researched that, then I’d jump back to reptiles again, and back to chickens, then more reptiles, then chickens and QUAIL, or OTHER poultry,, and so on and so on. This beautiful fluid branching path that would always rebound on itself and I’d drop some topics, gain new ones, revisit old ones, learn what I liked, what I didn’t like, what were brief interests, and what were there to stay.

Some topics (chickens, new caledonian geckos, antaresia pythons, tarantulas, gardening...) would always come back. No matter what I did...they came back. As I grew as a person, I started to figure out what was important to me (CONSERVATION, animal welfare, reptile/invertebrate enrichment, vivarium design, combining art with animals, and did I mention CONSERVATION? and combating climate change/The World but that came later.) and while some of those points didn’t show up in my research until later...like my obsession with native wildlife/plants and domestic species...it never went away.

And as I grew older, outside of my research life went on, and I really went through A Lot in these seven years. Undiagnosed anxiety/depression all through high school, practically living in the guidance office junior/senior year, dealing with an emotionally abusive and animal abuser teacher for many years, living with my emotionally abusive/narcissistic mother, and eventually going to an amazing art college and having both the best and worst time of my life (Hahah!! Almost straight As and skipped a writing class with my amazing scores and was top of my class, Dean’s list first semester, in the Visionary Women’s Honors society, worked in the admissions office and did lots of cool things, but hahaha also really wanted to die and was Destroying Myself) and trying to get help while keeping it a secret from my mom...lo and behold of course she eventually found out about the Depression when I had to go inpatient near the end of my second semester, and she. HA, I can’t even cry about this anymore. She literally disowned me (took all my money, sold my car, cut me off of health insurance, made me pay my own hospital bills, refused to do my FAFSA for college anymore, dropped all support, and later when I had to come home because I relapsed again and the college made me go on a medical leave of absense, she threatened to kick me out and call the police [hilariously enough though the house was owned by my stepdad, not her, so she couldn’t do anything. Also I never did anything to her and she was just crazy and made up excuses. But yeah not fun trying to walk to work and being threatened over the phone that she was going to have me dragged out of work by the cops and not to come home, hahaha!!!!!! But then also when I did live with my neighbor for a few days she was apparently so distraught?? Haha what a weird person!!!! I haven’t seen her for three years now and it’s been the best thing that ever happened to me. Don’t mourn for me, it’s SO Much better now. Speaking of, she was a PETA-hugging ARA nutjob and if she knew what I was planning on doing she would’ve disowned me either way!!!!!!), and of course fighting to be able to move out and rent an apartment with my SO (I hate the word boyfriend. It’s been 7 years come January 11th, and we’ve been through so fucking much. And she [my mom...] and other people always made fun of him being my BOYFRIEND that that word is tainted for me...so Significant Other it is) and then being forced to live alone there for a couple months,, and then even after that, the fights with his family, the car accident in November, my mom ruining all chances of me going to college (keep in mind I had after leaving college, spent the next TWO AND A HALF FUCKING YEARS OF MY LIFE trying to make it so I COULD go back, spent all of my time, energy, hope, eVERY OUNCE OF MY BEING trying to do so,,, and she manipulated me and then lied to me and made it so I couldn’t), my rebounding depression, my Intensifying Aggression (terrifying. Developed when I was in college...I guess it’s some kind of rapid bipolar disorder, maybe triggered by me going on antidepressants in college, they said. But it was so long ago and they never knew the full story for a proper diagnosis anyway. But it’s gotten manageable and We’re Coping), the housefire on Christmas, moving Once Again to the new place and being told I can’t bring my 15 year old cat (he’s with my stepdad still now but it’s not okay.), the rats have to be in the basement, and oh yeah if you want to attend college again loans will be nearly 13% interest hahaha!!! and then finally just straight up breaking down in February and not leaving bed for DAYS and nearly committing suicide, just the real worst time ever, and my former therapist/psychiatrist place weren’t responding (turns out they discharged me!! haha kinda hard to make appointments WHEN YOU DON’T PICK UP THE PHONE and we DIDN’T GET THE NOTICE IN THE MAIL because our HOUSE WAS CONDEMNED and my mail was being sent to my STEPDADS an hour away!!!!!!!! Also really hard to talk to you when you BLOCK OUR FUCKING NUMBER and HANG UP ever time we fucking call haha!!!!!! Literally on the verge of suicide and not on my anxiety meds for MONTHS but hey sure that works too guys!!!!) which really didn’t help, and yeah it was really just the pits! Just the absolute pits, the Very Worst.

Now at this point I don’t remember exactly when/what changed, but SOMETHING did.

Leading up to February, I wanna say it was about October that I started getting kinda weirdly depressed, and I started REALLY tanking after the fire. After the fire, I had to move back to my stepdads within the night, and had to live without Jessie again and commute really far and keep the tarantulas a secret and in general be very alone and very sad. I started wearing down and it was getting so hard to just...enjoy. Anything. Even just taking care of the pets became difficult, and doing art or researching was impossible. I just...didn’t care anymore. I stopped caring.

On top of that, my climate grief and general feelings of Despair were at an all time high, and I just didn’t. Fucking. CARE. What happened next.

I spent YEARS of my life WEARING MYSELF TO THE BONE trying to get into college, the get back into college, to just try to do this thing that I was supposed to do, my ONE hope of having a career and a future that I probably wouldn’t even be happy with (I was an illustration major. I liked drawing. It’s what I was best at. But looking back, I wouldn’t have been happy doing it for a living. And Moore [no that’s not what my blog is named for, it just also happens to be my last name] was a great college but it just...wasn’t worth $30k a year with no cosigner for loans, even AFTER my scholarships) and my body and mind were wearing down and no matter what I did I didn’t care about myself, my animals, my partner, my life, nothing. I can’t explain how terrifying that is. Of all the time in my life, I think this was the worst. On top of my life problems, it must be said again that my climate grief and Misery regarding the state of our country and the world was also at an all-time-high, and I just felt...POWERLESS. Powerless and empty and uncaring and dead inside. I really wanted to just...drive off a bridge or eat a ton of pills (which I did do a couple times, don’t do that. Please. It’s NOT worth it.) and just stop Existing.

But then something just...changed.

I don’t know what it was, exactly. But I got SOMETHING back. SOMETHING “clicked”.

I’m crying a bit now. It’s so stupid to say, but I truly believe this is what saved my life. Realizing my purpose in life. That everything fell into place and finally made sense.

I’m going to be a bit more concise here but...basically...many of my passions and smaller aspects of myself all fell into place, so PERFECTLY.

It hit me that...ah jeez.

I will digress one more second. For those of you who don’t know, I have two Eurydactylodes geckos, named Vladimir (E. vieiliardi) and Estragon (E. agricolae). They are named for my favorite drama that we read in AP English, Waiting for Godot. It’s an aburdist theater play about two men who wait under a tree for someone (we don’t know who, just that his name is Godot) and that’s about it. Everyone had a lot of different things to say about that weird little book, but my take on it was that it’s supposed to be what happens to two men when they lack a “purpose” in life. Existentialism, and all that. They sit there and sit there and completely lose themselves just WAITING for this guy that they don’t even remember, they don’t even know why they’re there, and they do nothing to try and change that. The difference between existentialism and absurdism, however, is that absurdism specifically discusses this idea of a Chaotic Universe, this Lack of Meaning, this pointless quest of humanity to seek value and meaning in a universe without reason. It’s a fruitless effort, it’s Absurd! But the beauty of absurdism, this tiny idea that stayed with me in the goofy names of my geckos (I chose the names because I thought the play was amusing and I loved the characters’ relationship, which is Quite Gay and so Loving and Charming it warms my heart, and I loved that they called each other “Didi” and “Gogo”) and really held true to my own life. I DO NOT believe that THIS is why this change happened for me, but it’s ironic, no?

Back to Absurdism, Absurdism says... “here is this meaningless, Chaotic, RIDICULOUS universe. There is NO reason for ANYTHING, there NEVER will be, you DO NOT MATTER, you DO NOT HAVE A PLACE HERE. There is NO POINT to anything. So fuck it, and try to find one anyway.”

My original therapist did not understand why I found this so wonderful and inspiring. It’s so rebellious and selfish, I LOVE IT. To embrace the Absurd is to take the bull by the horns and flip it upside down! It’s to stare all of this dreadful pointlessness in the Void, and when it says “Why bother? Why care about these insignificant invertebrates? These ridiculous reptiles? These ABSURD apples???” and flip the bird both hands and say “BECAUSE I WANT TO, BECAUSE I SAID SO, BECAUSE I AM HUMAN, AND I CAN!!!” It’s...also more than that, it’s this long, defiant lifelong journey, this stupid, ridiculous journey of fumbling about trying to find one’s place in a cruel, vast world, and finding oneself in that journey.

I love people. I love the ABSURDITY of humanity, of people, of myself, of others. A Huge part of my Future Plans has to do with People, and Community, and Changing my little patch of the world. It’s not much in the grand scheme of things, but I know it can make a difference to someone and myself and that’s what matters.

Anyway back to the Clickening.

Around that time I had a moment like that. It was as if something in my mind was screaming at me, listen. You are here, and you have always been here to love animals, to love life, to make art, to tell stories with your art, to raise little sheeps.

And like that, it started Something.

I agreed to go to a local doctor, and was put on antidepressants. I’ve been on them since late February. I also got accommodations for work, so I have two excused absenses due to mental illness each month, which was good, because they tried to fire me 4 times now and they haven’t succeeded yet. (I’m DAMN GOOD at what I do, I’m just Sad and Unlucky and Dumb, but I’m doing a lot better now!!) I started taking all of the things I learned in the past many years and what I’ve learned about myself as a person (I won’t talk about it here but I’ve always struggled with my Identity [not gender wise, just...with my mental health and my mood disorder, it’s really hard to know What is ME and What’s The Illness) and it all started falling into place. My needle felting, my love for animals, conserving native wildlife AND heritage breeds with restoration grazing and positive impact forestry, utilizing my Overwhelming Charisma (in person I swear I’m quite a good talker! Way better than my typing here!) for education, outreach, and farmers market sales, my love for life and my fellow human beings and my plans to work hard to help feed my local communities and encourage sustainable agriculture and the dismantlemant of capitalism Love of our native wilds and backyards alike (I also have Big Thoughts about getting native peoples input as well, but I need to research that more and actually talk to people, but that would be in future years!!), and so, so many things!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That started in late February/early March now, and since then I’ve still had Really bad times, but I’d say in the past mmmmm...probably since late July? I think yeah since about then things have really taken great turns. I’ve Matured a lot, really embraced who I am and what I want to do, and while I KNOW my plans are going to keep changing over time (tentative goal is to look for/buy our property in 2025!! That gives us 5 years post-graduation to settle down and see how things go, where Jessie will be working, where we’ll be living, how my mind changes, all of that!!) but I KNOW in my BONES in my SOUL that this is what I have always been meant to do. To raise things, grow things, and to Care.

ANYWAY WOW HAHAHA YOU SURE DIDN’T ASK FOR ALL THAT BUT THERE YA GO THERE’S THE BACKSTORY, THE FIRST HALF OF THE WORMS!!!!!!

TL;DR: I’m a sad sap who is now slightly less sad and has Big Plans that were 7 years+ in the making and I want to take all my Big Thoughts about exotic welfare (well, reptiles and spiders mostly, but sure) and also apply it to DOMESTIC welfare and Make a Dang Difference!!!!

Okay now I’ve become very burnt out, I’ve been writing for like two hours now? So this part will sadly be shorter, but I will definitely write more about it again if you or anyone else has questions or actually wants to hear about it.

Basically...the amount of These Plans that I am willing to let you folks know, is uhh...oh jeez where do I even begin, haha...

Well it started small plans (early years of research, when I used to think a small greenhouse was Super Wild and Crazy) but nah bruh we goin’ full hog, literally. My plans are to get a decent sized property, still in my state, and have a HUGE focus on Sustainability and Positive Grazing/Management! That means rotational grazing to IMPROVE soils!!! Thinning the woodlot and clearing brush for the HEALTH of the forest!!! Reintroducing blight-resistant american chestnuts to restore our forests and support a healthy wildlife population!!!! Using both honeybees AND cultivated native bees [did you know that’s a thing???? You can buy native bee cocoons, like raised humanely, and raise them for pollinating plants!! Like Orchards!!] and grazing pastured pigs and chickens under orchard trees, while also providing BUTTLOADS of native flowers and domestic tree blossoms for native pollinators!! All that great stuff.

My biggest focuses would be raising practical heritage livestock for sustainable agriculture and conserving heritage fruit trees, with a focus on apples and pears. I also want to grow a lot of mutually beneficial/low-impact perennial resources...think honey, maple syrup, nut trees, stuff like that! And I want to graze on pastures with native grasses and locality-specific wildflowers (check out Ernst Seeds, especially if you live in/near PA like I do!! Wow it’s so frickin’ cool) and focus on northern european short-tailed sheep (finnsheep, gotland, icelandic, leader, shetland, and soay) and small landrace American hogs (american guinea hog, ossabaw island hog) and the more recent but so full of potential idaho pasture pig. I also want to raise icelandic landrace chickens for utility (parasite/pest management, composting), conservation, and eggs. I also want to raise rabbits (silver fox crosses for meat, and french angora crosses for fiber! I have a dream of producing high quality tri color angora for spinners...three colors on one animal, and I want them to be especially great for fiber artists who want to raise their own fiber animals but don’t have a ton of space) and I have BIG orchard plans...SO MANY ORCHARD PLANS, HHHHHOOO YES....SO GOOD...also COPPICE WITH STANDARDS and FORESTRY and HOO YES!!!!! I LOVE SOME GOOD OL FORESTRY!!!

I think the best way to describe my current plans standings is that it seperates into a couple different “zones”, for my Current Ideas. This has taken months and so many countless hours of thinking, researching, and ironing out, and I’ve made so much headway in just this past week, but basically imagine this...

It’s mostly split into two pastures, the orchard, and the woodlot.

PASTURE 1

Pasture 1 would be the largest, where we would rotationally graze two primary groups of ruminants. Polled NES-T sheep (finnsheep/gotland) and horned sheep (icelandic/leader) with dairy cows (dutch belted) as well. Dutch belted for milk and specifically cheese production, and they would be grazed in front with the icelandics to help take care of the taller grasses that the sheep would avoid, and help keep the sheep a bit safer. All would be guarded by livestock guardian dogs. Group #1 of the icelandic chickens would be grazed behind them, to help break up manure and disrupt parasite cycles.

Pasture itself would be mostly a big bluestem/little bluestem/indian grass/switchgrass mix, with a good variety of livestock-safe wildflowers (small portion being nitrogen-fixers like tick trefoils and pasture pea) and seed-producing flowers for birds (wild birds and our birds!). Would be rotationally grazed 1-2 days at a time (avg. 3-4 days total) with a 21-35+ day rest period. Polled NES-T sheep would be moved to “silvopasture” (copse with standards, a portion of the woodlot, with coppiced trees for fuelwood/timber interspersed with standard-sized mast producting trees [would double as nut and persimmon orchard, and hog foraging in fall/winter!!!]) in the summer to help them deal with the heat. Summer would be the best time, as it’s after the spring predator pressure and before the acorns fall, which could be bad for them if they ingest too many. Rams and hogs would otherwise graze this land with much longer rest periods otherwise (more like 30-45 days or so).

PASTURE 2

Smaller pasture with similar planting, arranged ‘paddock paradise’ style for a small group of icelandic horses (SO GOOD, and useful!! Little horse hooves are much kinder to the forest than a UTV, and herding on horseback is less stressful for the livestock) and rotationally grazed shetland and soay sheep. Pretty simple, but important. Would also contain Icelandic chicken group #2.

ORCHARD

Worthy of a novel all on it’s own. I want to grow semi-dwarf heritage fruit trees with the fruit drop type synced to the rotation of pastured hogs (idaho pasture pig, american guinea hog, ossabaw island hog) and group #3 of icelandic chickens. Hogs would be in orchard spring-fall, and in the copse with standards fall-early winter. Hogs and chickens would be moved to a holding area during rainy times to help preserve the orchard floor and during winter, where we would also have a large waste management/composting set up for them to root and turn to their hearts content. Should be a lot warmer than the outside in the winter too, and I plan on it being in a high tunnel/hoop house so its covered.

I am ALL ABOUT pairing livestock with crops and encouraging multi-purpose acreage in general, so this is definitely one of my FAVORITE plans so far, and every time I revisit it, it gets better. I also want to raise BEES (honeybees, mason bees, leafcutter bees!!!) for honey and pollination. I also want to plant BUTT-TONS of native flowers and goodies for pollinators, as well as lots of seed producing plants and sunflowers for the chickens to forage for by themselves. These would be some happy livestock, for sure.

WOODLOT

Another huge part of the plan is that I want at LEAST 1/3-1/2 of the property to be Woods. Only a small fraction of the Woods would be managed for livestock foraging and more frequent harvesting (still looking at a good 7-10 year coppice cycle though for trees) and the rest would still be tended to, with the help of the local forestry folks, but it would be preserved for wildlife and low-impact timber and nut/fruit/sap collection.

The VAST MAJORITY of the farm would be multi-purpose acreage for both livestock AND wildlife benefit (and people too of course) and I truly, truly believe and KNOW it can be done. In fact it HAS been done, IS being done, in so many different ways by so many different people in different times, and I know that I want to be a part of it and I can make a difference and use my weird passions for Good and make a dang difference.

Ohhh jeez I’m real sorry I didn’t quite answer your question though but I hope this gives a little insight into what I mean?? And if anyone has Specific questions after reading this (if you make it to the bottom, bless your cotton socks, I’m so proud and also distressed) I can definitely answer them a bit better than this. And hopefully much less...whatever this is, haha!!

[uncloseted]

What’s the best advice you could give to someone in high school right now?

1. Be open minded, both about people and about new experiences. Everyone’s lives are different from one another, and everyone copes with the things in their life differently.  And a lot of people that you don’t think will ever be your friend can be if you just give them a chance.  And similarly, you don’t know if you like something until you try it, so give things a real chance when you have an opportunity to do something new.  Get out of your comfort zone and join lots of different activities.  At the very least, you’ll meet new and interesting people, and hopefully you’ll discover something that you really love to do.

2. Don’t feel intimidated by other people.  They’re all as nervous and scared as you are, even if they don’t seem like it.  Everyone is insecure about something.  Even the people who are pretty and popular and seem like they have everything together.

3. Be yourself and build confidence in the person that you are.  People are drawn to authenticity and I found that people liked me a lot better when I was being my “weird” self as opposed to trying to fit in with other people.  Try to remind yourself daily of all the things you like about yourself, and keep a list that you can look back on when you’re not feeling so great about you.  It’s okay to be who you are, completely and authentically, period.  That doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t be self-aware or try to change when you know you’re doing things that are hurting other people. But it means that you, just as you are, are worthy of love and attention and respect.

4. School and grades are important.  Learn how you study and work best so that you can be efficient. Maybe you need to record what your teacher is saying so you can play it back later.  Maybe you need extra time on tests. Maybe you need to teach what you know to someone else to help you solidify your thinking, or maybe you do best writing by hand.  Knowing how you work and what you need is so, so helpful and reduces so much stress. Along those lines, figure out how to manage your time.  I’ve said this before, but I really like the Pomodoro Technique for time management and focus. That said, school and grades aren’t the be all and end all of life.  Make sure to put aside time to live, and try not to stress too much about getting an incredible grade on everything you do.  You’re not going to remember the grade you got on a sophomore year history test, but you will remember the time you and your friends drove three hours away to go to a concert on a school night.

5. If someone makes you feel like you should change for them, they’re not worth it. This might be a friend or a boyfriend, but the people who care about you will like you for being who you are, not for being the person they want you to be.  On that same note, surround yourself with people that make you happy.  If you have a friend that makes you miserable, find a new friend and spend less time (or no time) with the old friend.  It’s okay to reduce the amount of time you spend with people that don’t make you feel good.  And be honest with people.  You shouldn’t have to lie to people about what you want and need, and if you do, they’re maybe not the best friend to be around, either.

6. Demand respect from people and learn how to say no.  I think lots of people (young girls in particular) struggle with this, but it’s an important skill to have in life.

7. Boys who don’t ask you out on a date don’t want to go out on dates with you.  That might be because they’re dealing with feelings for someone else, or they’re not ready to try dating you, or they’re scared to ask you out, or they’re not sure how they feel about you, or whatever.  It doesn’t matter. If they say they’re not interested, believe them, at least until they change their mind.  It can seem tempting to change for someone to try and get them to like you, but it’s not worth it (see #5). Boys are largely immature at that age.  That doesn’t make it hurt any less when you really want to be with someone and they don’t want to be with you, but don’t do things for them with the idea that you’ll be able to change their mind.  Find a boy who will ask you out on dates, because that’s what you deserve.

8. Don’t hate your parents.  I know this one is hard (really hard), but for the most part they’re just trying to help and protect you in the best way they know how.  They will probably make mistakes and say the wrong things, but they love you and they’re trying, and that’s what matters.  Talk to them about your life.  You should also try to find an adult in your life who you trust.  This person doesn’t have to be a family member (they might be a teacher, for example), but I think it’s important to have someone who can provide perspective and support.

9. Try not to worry about things that happened in the past, even if they’re embarrassing.  Everyone else will forget about them soon enough, and there’s nothing you can do to change it.  All you can do is let it go and move forward.

10. If you feel something is wrong, seek help.  Physical health, mental health, make sure it gets the attention it needs. Mental health issues are health issues, period.  And you need to see a doctor about them.  So if you’re depressed or anxious or panicking or find yourself compulsively doing things or if you feel nauseated or something on your body hurts or any number of things, tell someone.  Your experience is real and valid and deserves to be addressed with the proper attention and care.

11. Failure is an opportunity to learn and grow.  This sounds cheesy, but I think all too often we see our own failures as indicative of our self-worth, and they’re not. They’re just things that didn’t work out, and now we know why they didn’t work out and we can do better next time.  That’s it- that’s all failure is.  It doesn’t mean you aren’t a good person or that something is wrong with you or that you’re not capable.  It just means something didn’t work out.

12. There’s no “right” timeline to do things on, and there’s no “right” way to do things.  I know it can seem like everyone else has had their first kiss or gone on a date or been in a relationship or lost their virginity, but everyone is on their own schedule and things will happen at the right time for them.  There’s nothing wrong with you if you’re an earlier or later bloomer than your friends.  And the same goes for non-romantic things, too.  It’s okay to take a gap year before going to college, or to decide that college isn’t for you at all and you want to do an apprenticeship or get a job or something completely different.  Do what feels right to you, regardless of what other people think you should be doing.  At the end of the day, you’re the person who has to live your decisions, not anyone else.

13. High school isn’t the end of the world.  I know it can feel like everything is so big and so important in the moment, but in four years, high school will end, and then you don’t have to see any of those people again if you don’t want to.  It still sucks to have to deal with things in the moment, but high school goes by so quickly and is so temporary. Trying to have that perspective when it comes to day to day strife can make a huge difference.

14. Social media is not a replacement for human interaction.  I know that with all the pressures high school students are put under, it can be really hard to carve out time to see your friends in person (outside of school). But it makes a huge difference in mental health and well-being to take time off and just hang out with people you genuinely enjoy.  This sort of ties into what I was saying in #4, but high school is an important time to find yourself and to experiment and to figure out how you operate socially.  That self discovery is just as important, if not more important, than your grades.

15. You’re the master of your own destiny.  If you want something, you have to chase it for yourself. Especially now with the internet, there are so many different places you can go for information and so many different experiences that people have had that can provide you insight on your own situation.  If you want to do a semester abroad, look into programs. If you’re interested in doing an internship, contact the people you would need to talk to about it.  Especially when you’re so young, the only limits that there really are are the ones you set for yourself (and the ones your parents set for you).  People tend to be very willing to help out high school students, and you can use that to your advantage.  Along with that, just because other people aren’t doing it doesn’t mean that it’s not an option for you.  I think it can be really easy to fall into the thought pattern of, “well nobody has done this before so it must not be possible to make it work”.  But until you try, you don’t really know, and I think it’s much better to chase after the things you want and to fail than it is to regret not trying.

16. You can’t control other people, you can only control how you react to them.  Some people are hard to get along with or have annoying traits.  You can’t force them to be more agreeable or to stop doing annoying things. But you can choose to not get angry or annoyed with them.  You have the power to choose how you react, and it doesn’t have to be in the way that other people expect.

17. Try to give people the benefit of the doubt.  Everyone is fighting their own battle that you know nothing about, and everyone is doing their best.  Even if you don’t understand how someone got to the point where they said or did something you don’t agree with, trying to imagine how they got there or at least acknowledging that to them, that thing made sense, can go a long way in terms of not being angry or annoyed with people.  And it can also open you up to friendships with people that you would have never considered spending time with before.

18. If you’re going to drink or do drugs or have sex, do it safely.  Experimentation is oftentimes a part of the high school experience, and I think those experiences can end up being important for self reflection and self discovery.  But make sure that you know what’s actually in the drugs that you’re getting, that you have a sober person around when you’re drinking or doing drugs, that you’re in a safe environment, that you use protection when you have sex.  So many things are preventable, and it’s not worth dealing with the consequences of not being safe for the rest of your life.

19. This is a bit of a random group of things, but there are a lot of things you can do to improve your mental health from home.  Mediating every day (try the apps Headspace or Calm to start learning how and get into the habit), practicing gratitude, filling out ACT or CBT therapy worksheets, making sure that you’re eating and sleeping well, that you’re exercising, that you’re getting exposed to sunlight... all of those are little things that make a huge difference in your mood.  Maintaining your health, both mental and physical, is fundamental to your ability to do anything else.

20. Comparison is the thief of joy.  It can be so tempting to compare ourselves to the people around us, and especially tempting to compare the way we look to the way other people look.  But just because another person is attractive or smart or funny or interesting doesn’t mean that you can’t be all of those things too, in your own way.  Ariana Grande is beautiful and so is Beyonce and so is Miranda Kerr, and they all look completely different but that doesn’t mean they’re not beautiful.  There are so many ways to exist in the world and it’s okay if yours isn’t the same as someone else’s.  Focus on being the best version of yourself you can be.  If you’re trying to be someone else, it won’t feel authentic to you or to the people around you.

I’m sure there are more that I should add, so if I think of others I’ll update this post, but I hope this is helpful as a starting place, at least.

[verytamenow]

Any or all of them, huh? All of them

That wasn’t a this or that thing but I’m bored and technically did ask for it so fine...smartass...

1. What is you middle name? Eric Lynn

2. How old are you? 27

3. When is your birthday? June 8

4. What is your zodiac sign? Gemini

5. What is your favorite color? It depends. To wear? For walls? For a car? In general, steel blue.

6. What’s your lucky number? I don’t really have one, but I’ll choose 7 or 13 if I have to pick one.

7. Do you have any pets? I’m not a pet person

8. Where are you from? Socal

9. How tall are you? 5′5.5″

10. What shoe size are you? US Mens 7

11. How many pairs of shoes do you own? Umm...shit...like....6?

12. What was your last dream about? I honestly don’t even remember.

13. What talents do you have? Bold of you to assume I could have talents

14. Are you psychic in any way? I’ve had a couple premonition like dreams, but they clue me in to anything important and I don’t wake up remembering much of them.

15. Favorite song? Losing My Religion by REM

16. Favorite movie? Alien, maybe? Or Iron Man.

17. Who would be your ideal partner? I don’t have a specific person in mind. Definitely someone patient but unwilling to tolerate any bullshit. Must understand sarcasm.

18. Do you want children? Dear gods NO!

19. Do you want a church wedding? I don’t particularly care. I don’t really want one but I’d do it if my partner wanted one. No guarantee I’d not get struck down entering the church.

20. Are you religious? Not really. I struggle with the concept of organized religion. But I do respect spirituality so long as it’s not being used to justify bigotry and have some sort of vague belief in it. 

21. Have you ever been to the hospital? Yes. Both for my own care and to visit family, none of which are fond memories.

22. Have you ever got in trouble with the law? I haven’t.

23. Have you ever met any celebrities? No, not yet. But hopefully one day Taylor will run out of other people to meet and finally take pity on me.

24. Baths or showers? Showers! I can’t stand baths for more than 10-15 minutes but can take an hour long shower.

25. What color socks are you wearing? Light and dark blue striped socks.

26. Have you ever been famous? No.

27. Would you like to be a big celebrity? Yes and no. I’d not say no to the potential money involved. But I’m a quiet guy and if I couldn’t find a way to protect my privacy like Taylor’s managed, I’d be done with it pretty quickly.

28. What type of music do you like? A bit of everything, but I’ve been on a pop kick recently.

29. Have you ever been skinny dipping? No, but I’d give it a go in the right setting.

30. How many pillows do you sleep with? One, unless they’re not firm enough.

31. What position do you usually sleep in? I usually fall asleep on my side.

32. How big is your house? Few bedrooms and a couple bathrooms, 2 stories. Decent sized.

33. What do you typically have for breakfast? I usually don’t. But if I wake up starving, I’ll try to find some leftover chicken or something to munch on, usually cold. 

34. Have you ever fired a gun? Yeah, fired a few different types. I’m not a great shot and I don’t handle the noise well. I struggle pulling the trigger for whatever reason.

35. Have you ever tried archery? I haven’t but I really want to!

36. Favorite clean word? Strobocopic is the first word that comes to mind and that’s 100% my dad’s fault, damn him.

37. Favorite swear word? Fuck.

38. What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sleep? About 48 hours? I’ll usually take a sleeping pill or pass out on my own by then.

39. Do you have any scars? Ignoring the obvious quip about mental ones, I’ve got a couple physical. Got a faint one on my knee from busting it open as a kid that you can’t really see now. Got a fair few stretch marks and some acne scars as well.

40. Have you ever had a secret admirer? If I did, they were so secret I didn’t know about them.

41. Are you a good liar? Depends on what it is and how close I am to them. I can lie alright on phone or text unless you know me well or tell a stranger a white lie. But I’ve got no poker face whatsoever so I suck at the big ones, and the closer I am to someone the worse I get at lying. 

42. Are you a good judge of character? Kinda? I haven’t trusted too many assholes but like anyone I can overlook the bad in someone I care about. 

43. Can you do any other accents other than your own? Nope.

44. Do you have a strong accent? I don’t think so.

45. What is your favorite accent? British or Australian.

46. What is your personality type? Impatient but laid back smartass with a mixed sense of self preservation. I’m a pretty go with the flow guy, but yeah patience isn’t my strong suit.

47. What is your most expensive piece of clothing? My redwing boots.

48. Can you curl your tongue? Yes.

49. Are you an innie or an outie? Innie.

50. Left or right handed? Strongly right-handed.

51. Are you scared of spiders? I’m fucking terrified of them. It’s sad, really. Even the small ones.

52. Favorite food? Seafood in general or a good rare steak.

53. Favorite foreign food? Sushi!

54. Are you a clean or messy person? I’m a mess tbh. I try but I can’t quite seem to keep things up.

55. Most used phrased? “Fuck” probably.

56. Most used word? See above.

57. How long does it take for you to get ready? About 30 with a shower.

58. Do you have much of an ego? I’d like to say no, but I know I’ve got a bit of pride about some things.

59. Do you suck or bite lollipops? Suck until they’re almost gone and then bite.

60. Do you talk to yourself? Not so much now. If I’m alone in the house for an extended period, or I’m trying to work something out or stay focused, then yeah.

61. Do you sing to yourself? I rarely sing along to music in the car, let alone casually to myself.

62. Are you a good singer? Gods no.

63. Biggest Fear? The glib answer is spiders. But in the spirit of the question lise: the actual answer is the inevitable fuck up that is the last straw that leds to people leaving.

64. Are you a gossip? Yes and no? I don’t spread serious rumours, but I’ll absolutely talk shit with those I’m closest with. Kinda a nosey little prick too, I like knowing things.

65. Best dramatic movie you’ve seen? My mind kinda went straight to titanic. The 90s jumped out.

66. Do you like long or short hair? I wear my hair short (because getting misgendered makes me want to fling myself off the nearest cliff), but would theoretically consider wearing it longer if/when my facial hair comes in. On a partner, I like either.

67. Can you name all 50 states of America? I wouldn’t put money on it, but if I could see a list as I named them, I’d probably manage okay.

68. Favorite school subject? History. Or mythology, though that wasn’t a dedicated subject.

69. Extrovert or Introvert? Introvert AF.

70. Have you ever been scuba diving? No and I don’t think I ever would. 

71. What makes you nervous? It’s the anxiety, bro.

72. Are you scared of the dark? More scared of the tricks my mind can play on me in it, especially if I’m trying to sleep.

73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes? Depends on how close I am and what the mistake is.

74. Are you ticklish? Very and I don’t find being tickled funny or enjoyable. I’m likely to get pretty pissed off if someone tickles me intentionally.

75. Have you ever started a rumor? Never intentionally.

76. Have you ever been in a position of authority? Not really? Not with any real power.

77. Have you ever drank underage? Tried a few things, didn’t care for the taste.78. Have you ever done drugs? I tried pot but I can’t inhale for shit so it didn’t do anything for me.

79. Who was your first real crush? The first I can recall was a boy named Corbin in the first grade. He had dark hair and eyes and was nice and I thought he was cute and fun to play with. Then there was a girl named Emily who was tall and blonde. I don’t think I really knew they were crushes though. The first time I had a crush and KNEW it was a crush was high school, on a girl in my chem class and then on my physics teacher in my junior year.

80. How many piercings do you have? None.

81. Can you roll your Rs? Not anymore.

82. How fast can you type? 45-ish WPM?

83. How fast can you run? Not very fast.

84. What color is your hair? Dark blonde.

85. What color is your eyes? Blue.

86. What are you allergic to? Some laundry detergent. If it’s heavily scented I will break out in hives.

87. Do you keep a journal? No, but I’ve been told I should.

88. What do your parents do? My dad works in IT.

89. Do you like your age? Yes and no. I don’t have a problem with my age or nearing 30, but I could also fuck up my life in new and interesting ways if I could be younger knowing what I know now.

90. What makes you angry? Bigotry. Willful ignorance and unwillingness to listen. Hypocrisy. 

91. Do you like your own name? Yes, which is why I picked it.

92. Have you already thought of baby names, and if so what are they? I have zero, if not negative, desire to reproduce. But I like gender neutral names for girls - Parker, Peyton, Reagan, etc.

93. Do you want a boy a girl for a child? I don’t want either but I REALLY would not know what to do with a child who liked traditionally feminine things.

94. What are you strengths? Sheer stubbornness.

95. What are your weaknesses? Impatience.

96. How did you get your name? I wanted to keep my initials and Zach was the name that came to mind and felt right.

97. Were your ancestors royalty? If you go back far enough, you’ll usually stumble across it.

98. Do you have any scars? Wasn’t this a previous question???

99. Color of your bedspread? Blue, not that I use it.

100. Color of your room? White. Never did get around to painting it.

[http-lostforever]

Give Me Credit

Paring: Namjoon x Reader Ft. hints of Yoongi, Jimin, and Jin

Genre/Warnings: College!au, fluff, crocs, enemies to lovers, unrealistic job age, overdose on coffee, foul language (what do you expect), You and Yoongi teaming up against an asshole Namjoon, hints of you being a foreigner, angst if you squint.

Summary: You’re the poorly picked Student Tutor for a philosophy class, who, never actually shows up but bribing the fairly young teacher with Starbucks seems to be working out pretty well, well it was until the annoyingly intelligent Kim Namjoon shows up. 

“You know someday you’re going to get in a shit ton of trouble from ditching class all the time.”

Your teachers voice traveled through your ears as you sat upon his desk and watched as he wiped the large white-board, ridding the surface of the lecture notes for the day. Shrugging your shoulders, even though he couldn’t see you at the moment, you sipped on your well made caramel macchiato. Eyeing the mountain of whipped cream that sat on his frappuccino with a certain hunger in your eye.

“Is that the day I don’t bring you Starbucks?” You asked while taking another sip.

“Yeah, probably.”

The two of you laughed at his answer, knowing full well that it was about 80% true. The other 20% would be someone telling for him, or actually caring that you only went to a whopping 11 classes in the whole first semester. But of course all of the girls in the class were too busy fawning over the young teacher, and you had a majority of the boys wrapped around your finger, unknowingly and unwanted, that no one said a word.

“So Mr. Min, my most favoritest teacher in the world.” Batting your eyelashes for effect and leaning forward. The blond haired male looked over, fake annoyance written across his face as he playing with your antics. With the brightest smile you could muster, you opened your mouth but he quickly cut you off.

“Touch my fucking whipped cream and I’ll fail your ass.”

“I bought the fucking thing.” You mumbled and sipped on your drink in defeat.

“And that’s not my problem.” He clapped back, but not before ruffling his hand through your hair, sending strands in every direction he could. He quickly grabbed his drink and escaped your short reach, a fiery rage burning in your eyes as you followed his every move. A heart melting gummy smile was etched into his face, one few had the privilege of see, especially during his class. 

“Nothing is ever your problem, it’s so unfair! You are like what? 5 years older than me? 6?”

“4 years and 7 1/2 months actually, but what’s your problem is that a new student will be joining your class next week. You need to be here Y/n, because you’re the student tutor it’s your job to help anyone of the students and he will need someone to help him get caught up to where we are in this semester. Just show up or else I’ll send him to you.” He slowly made his way back over to your side, sitting next to you as he sipped his drink happily.

Normally people would frown upon befriending your teacher in such a way that you even send memes to each other when it’s 2am, causing a fight between the two of you telling each other that it’s bad to be up at such an hour and the other should be getting a good night's rest.  But from the very first day you showed up (which was actually the 3rd day of school as you missed the first 2 from sleeping in.) Two cups of coffee placed in your hands (as the first one had been made wrong and the barista insisted on remaking it) and a pair of neon pink camo crocs on your feet you offered Yoongi the other cup thinking he was a student but quickly found out otherwise as he began the class with your public humiliation.

--------------------------

‘Please introduce yourself, since it seems you had decided that this is your first day’ The short blond male sipped on the coffee you so graciously gave him, sneering at you as he expected for you to break down under the public embarrassment.

‘Oh yeah no problem man.’ You gave him a thumbs up and even had the audacity to walk down from the top of the lecture hall--where you chose to sit since you had decided it would be the best place to sleep during class-- and walked your happy neon croc wearing ass down each step until you stood next to him and sipped on your own coffee. ‘Hey what’s up guys I’m Y/n, I’m 21, a scorpio, I don’t really know why I took this class but it turns out I’m really good at philosophy so I decided fuck it why not, you know? I’m pretty chill and I missed the first two days because I tried to set my alarm and ended up putting it in my calculator not once but twice, wack right?”

Taking a step back you sat yourself on the teachers desk and continued talking, swinging your feet so all 250 students could see the glory that was your crocs. Mr.Min stood there with his mouth hung open in disbelief at your actions, fully expecting that you would cower beneath him and break under pressure but so far that was all not only being proven wrong, but also being thrown back in his face and shoved down his throat.

‘Uhhh my major is in philosophy so you might see me around but honestly if this class doesn’t have participation points then I wouldn’t count on it, but besides that is there anything else you want to know? Oh, Also I really like crocs, like how universal are they man, the strap is up and you are casual, yet fun. But the moment you flip that bad boy down? You’re ready to rock and roll, sports mode baby.’ You demonstrated with enthusiasm in front of the class before bringing your drink back up to your lips and looking over at your new asshole of a teacher as he stood frozen in shock.

‘Just…..just go back to your seat Miss Y/n, we’ll talk after class.’ Mr.Min whispered, his eyes wide with shock as he slowly nodded his head and walked over to the white-board to begin the lesson.

---------------

“What do you mean I have to introduce myself? Also why the fuck is someone coming in the second semester, they should just wait till next year?!” You looked at him, brown eyes smiling down at you as you vented your anger. Everyone in class knew that if they wanted help then they email you or something, in person isn’t your thing and never will be.

“Y/n it’s just a greeting. Give the man a quick hello, smack on the ass, and call it a day. You’re not meeting the fucking queen.”

“Yeah but you also don’t have half the boys in the second year philosophy class breathing down your neck as they spam you email with poorly written promposals. I didn’t even know college had a fucking prom!” You chewed on your straw in frustration before shaking the cup around in disapproval at its emptiness.

“And having my female students ask if they can sleep with me to get their grade up is any better?” Yoongi growled, obviously frustrated at the topic which meant it happened recently for the 100th time now.

Con’s of being a hot young teacher.

“Come on Yoongi, I’ll wingman you. I’ll find you a nice date and once the girls know you’re taken they’ll stop!” Looking at him with a bright smile, he couldn’t help but smile back before picking up his large hand and placing it upon your head, a common gesture from him.

“Y/n...sometimes I forget that you are technically ranked as the top philosophy major student in this college.”

“Why because I give such great advice?”

“No...because you’re so fucking stupid.”

-------------------

With that day ending in a fake (friendly) fist fight between Yoongi and yourself, you continued your week with staying at home during class time, which was quite unfortunate since Yoongi was your friend but class wasn’t, and meeting the said boy outside of school for human interaction was your only option.

The small ding of your phone notified you of a text, quickly looking over in that direction you sighed at who texted you. Speak of the devil and he shall appear.

Yooooongle[9:55PM]: Hey don’t forget that the new kid is coming tomorrow

You[9:56PM]: Do I have to?

Yooooongle[9:56PM]: Yes

Yooooongle[9:56PM]: We talked about this

Yooooongle[9:57PM]: You’re coming to class whether you like it or not

You[9:58PM]: Bet

Yooooongle[9:58PM]: Y/n

Yooooongle[9:58PM]: Come to class or else

You[9:59PM]: Love you :-)

Yooooongle[10:00PM]: Don’t say I didn’t warn you

Yooooongle[10:01]: Love you :-(

As much as you loved the man, you really do, class just wasn’t at the top of your list for tomorrow. And it wasn’t like he was going to march into your apartment and drag your ass to class so there was nothing to worry about. Stretching your arms over your head you slowly stretched yourself out before heading to bed.

Waking up with no alarm was nearly euphoric, the birds chirping next to your windowsill as you raised from the bed like the true Disney princess you are, it was bliss. What also was bliss was the knowledge that Yoongi’s class was already 30 min in and you hadn’t been interrupted yet, meaning the threats he sent were empty (which you already guessed they were) but sure enough you’ll show up in his break time with coffee and a bright smile on your face, making him forgive you instantly.

------------------------

“Class who can tell me the meaning of life according to Socrates?” Yoongi yelled out into the crowded hall, which magically was silent as a morgue as he looked for anyone who could answer. With no hands raised and his patience growing thinner by the second, not only from you being gone but also that this was the easiest question he could ask the class, he slammed his hand on his desk and sighed. “Did anyone actually do the reading? Anyone?”

“According to The Apology of Socrates, written by Plato, An unexamined life is not worth living. Socrates believed that life was meaningless if he could not continue to seek out knowledge and believed that ignorance in man was evil.” A airy, yet deep voice echoed through the silent hall. Startling Yoongi as his back was turned towards the door, turning around he nodded towards the tall male. Acknowledging that he was in fact correct, then proceeded to write it on the board.

“Students talk among yourselves for a few.” Yoongi called out before walking toward the newcomer.

“You must be Mr.Min, I’m Kim Namjoon. I must say you are much younger than I expected.” Namjoon let out a hearty laugh while Yoongi laughed awkwardly to fill the silence.

“Yes I get that a lot, now Namjoon I have a student tutor who can help you get caught up with the assignments and such, not that there is a ton since we just started the semester.”

“Oh no need to worry Mr.Min I won’t need any help, I was the top philosophy major in my previous college so this should be easy for me.” Namjoon smiled, one that seemed to rub Yoongi the wrong way for some reason.

“Are you saying my class is easy Mr. Kim?” Yoongi shot back quickly, analyzing Namjoon’s face as he paled at the thought of openly insulting his teacher.

“No no no no I’m sorry sir- I didn’t mean to offend you! I’m sure you’re class is perfectly adept and at the level it needs to be!” He stumbled over his words causing Yoongi to snicker. If there was one thing Yoongi didn’t like more than you not showing up to class with his regular coffee, it was a student who tried to kiss his ass. With his threat to you fresh in his mind he intended to get back at the both of you.

“I’ll let you off this once Kim but to do so I need you to do me a favor.”

“Anything!”

“Here’s the address of my student tutor, please go bring her to class for me.”

------------------

Freshly showered and smelling like god hand picked flowers and rubbed them on your body, you were feeling good. It wasn’t everyday you got to have a morning like this, some days you had Chemistry at the ass crack of dawn and each day you tried to see how close you and your lab partner Jimin could get to lighting something on fire without the professor noticing. You loved the little squirt with all your heart, he was a greasy kid at first. Intelligent as all hell in Chemistry which helped him get into a higher level class right away, but with the constant compliments and cheesy ways of asking you out on a date, you decided you had enough.

But when he tried to back hug you while you happened to be messing around with the schools bleach and the white vinegar you smuggled off of your closest culinary major, Seokjin (who loves hearing about your adventures in class since his are always boring or about rejecting girls) you poured a bit too much and instantly the heated concoction began to produce a heavy Chlorine gas which caused the lab to get evacuated and class was off for a week before it cleared out for sure.

Jimin learned that you were a bit on the carefree side and he needed to be careful around you, but the real respect came from him seeing you hand Yoongi a caramel frappuccino and swiping the whipped cream just as he was about to eat it. Nearly every student was scared of Yoongi, he was ruthless with grades and if you interrupted him once, he had no problem with docking your points for that day. But for some strange reason instead of flunking you from his class, Yoongi set his drink down and wrapped his arm around your head while giving you the worst noogie of your life.

The lesson was never learned but with a reward of a ticked off Min Yoongi and a mouth full of whipped cream, who could ever stop? Pulling the most comfortable pair of (slightly) fashionable joggers and a graphic tee with Jin’s favorite selfie of 2019 (gifted to you for your birthday by the man himself), your trusty black crocs, and a light running jacket, you were ready to roll out.

The first thing on your list was to waste some time at the nearest starbucks until Yoongi’s class was over and you could apologize with his favorite drink. But just as you were about to grab your bag, a round of knocks echoed off your door confusing the hell out of you.

Did Yoongi actually come to my house?

Setting your bag down you slowly walked over to the door, grabbing the handle with caution and opening it at a snail's pace you were met with a tall man, dark skin and honey brown hair. You nearly laughed at the thick rimmed glasses that rested upon his button nose, but the look of pure annoyance that was written on his face caused you to hold your tongue.

“Mr.Min sent me to-”

“Tell Yoongi that I don’t want anymore strippers at my house. The three in the bathroom are enough to deal with anyway, do you know how many fucking boxes of lucky charms they’ve asked for? 6! 6 boxes! That’s a lot!” You rambled, laughing at your own joke while he stayed silent.

“No, I’m not a- Mr.Min sent me to come.”

“Ohhhhhh I got it, sorry man I know that I’m cute and all but coming to my house is a bit much man. How did you get Yoongi to give you my address anyway? Isn’t that like an invasion of privacy or something? Eh actually he’d give it away for a corn chip who am I kidding. Sorry kid the answers no, I’m a free spirit of the wind, here how about this? It’s not you, it’s me. There...now see ya!” You began to close the door, ready to grab your bag and head out but Namjoon had other plans.

Grabbing the closing door with his obnoxiously large hands he slammed it open, the look of annoyance was now replaced with a nice emotion between pissed and rage. He let himself into your house and slowly cornered you.

“Listen here, don’t fucking say another word or I swear to god I will sew your mouth shut.”

You nodded, eyes wide and lips sealed shut. Not at his threat but more so you could keep the laughter from coming out.

“This is a fat disappointment.” Namjoon snickered as he looked you up and down.

“What do you mean?” You straightened up, head tilted to the side out of curiosity.

“That you’re the student tutor, I mean look at you. There’s no way you can be the top student.”

“Well coming from you that doesn’t mean much, give you a pair of round glasses and I’d mistake you for willy wonka any day!” You said with a fake laugh “Let alone the fact that you base intelligence off of looks, aren’t you supposed to be a philosophy major?”

“At least I’m not the one wearing crocs like it’s still cool.”

“Don’t ever insult the crocs man, that’s crossing the line.”

“When was Socrates trial?”

“399 BC”

“Wow so she does know a thing or two, I’m genuinely surprised. After looking at the teacher who runs the class I wasn’t sure if we would actually be learning philosophy or how to be a soundcloud rapper 101.” Namjoon sneered closing the front door then leaning against it. “To be completely honest I’m not even sure if you’ll compare to my intelligence considering the teacher is not even a year older than me, maybe I should apply and you can be my little pet?”

Now normally someone insulting you was like a slight breeze, it wasn’t important and not everyone can like you so you’ll let it slide most the time. Now your friends? That a completely different subject, no one and you mean no one, insults your friends.

“What did you just say?” You slowly looked up, a deep rage filling your eyes as Namjoon looked around your house. Not measuring how angry you had gotten in the last second.

“What I’m sure the change would be nice for you. Maybe you can follow me around and actually learn something for once, I’m sure other benefits come with the job to- oh” He looked over from your kitchen, observing the oddly cute knick knacks here and there and the small Ryan plushie Jimin had given you in attempt of courting you that sat upon the fridge. Slowly dragging his eyes from the kitchen to you he was caught mid sentence, slight fear filling his chest as he saw the look of pure hatred that filled your glare.

“I would be real fucking careful about what you’re going to say next..”

“Namjoon, Kim Namjoon.” He smirked, clearly getting a kick at how angry you got.

“Okay Kim Namjoon, you fucking insult my friends one more time I’ll make sure to rip your balls clean from your body and show the word just how good you are at deepthroating them, got it?” Yoongi certainly had rubbed off on you.

“Let’s go then.”

--------------------

It didn’t get better from there.

Although Yoongi wasn’t too happy as you told him what the walking tree giant had said, he got a kick out of your reaction as well and promised himself that if he was able to, you’d be paired with the narcissistic asshole as much as humanly possible. But the first challenge was getting you to even show up, and with the knowledge that Namjoon would be there everyday. It’s going to be impossible for you to even think of going on campus.

“Yoongi you don’t understand, he said I’m your pet! Your pet!” You yelled as Yoongi sat on the edge of his desk watching you pace back and forth in curiosity. Grabbing your hand as you paced by he quickly pulled your body onto his and cupped your soft face with his large and calloused hand.

“I can’t let him take my pet away from me, now can I?” Yoongi cooed softly into your ear. If it wasn’t for the knowledge that he was 100% joking you’d probably swoon any day now.

“Woof” You mocked before being pried from Yoongi’s grip and into the muscular arms of another.

“She’s not your pet Min!” Jimin scowled at him, hilariously petting your head as he cradled you against his chest and away from the pouting Yoongi.

“I don’t believe she’s yours either half-pint.”

That voice.

That fucking voice.

Namjoon waltzed in, packet of papers gripped loosely in his hand as he closed the distance between himself and the 3 of us.

“I just wanted to stop by and congratulate Y/n on receiving the 3rd highest score on her Chemistry test.” A mocking smirk rested on his devil-like plump lips.

“3rd?” You quickly ripped the papers from his hands, yours in your right hand with a mocking 97% scribbled at the top and his in your left with a 99%. “Who’s second?” You asked looking at Namjoon once again.

“That’d be me.” Jimin whispered from above, his arms sliding down from your shoulders to rest on your waist. A loud scoff erupted from Namjoon as he looked between the two of you.

“Jimin I thought you’d be smarter than to lower your standards to such a girl.”

The room went silent, each boy looking between you and another. Waiting, analyzing what the next move was. To say it hurt was an understatement but you weren’t going to let him get to you. 

“Anyway I’ll see you tomorrow Y/n, let’s hope you get a higher score than me on the philosophy quiz.” And with that he walked off to his next class leaving the three of you still encased in silence. 

“Y/n-”

“No I’ll beat him if it’s the last thing I do!” You yelled, breaking out of Jimins hold, the grabbing your bag and running out of the lecture hall. Leaving not only your wallet but half full starbucks as well.

“Hey Mr.Min?” Jimin timidly asked, hands fidgeting with the hems of his blue shirt as he looked at his shoes.

“What happened to the confidence you had before Jimin?” Yoongi mocked the younger.

“I.....I was wondering if you could help Y/n out on her test? I don’t like the way Namjoon treats her and maybe if she gets a higher grade than him, he’ll leave her alone.” 

“Jimin, no wonder you like Y/n, you both are so stupid. She’s not our #1 for nothing, and even if she gets the highest score. Namjoon won’t stop until he gets what he wants.” Yoongi huffed out then took a sip of the drink you brought him. 

“And what’s that?”

“Her.”

------------------------

You went home with a fire in your eyes and a war in your heart, nothing was going to stop you from studying like a madman for the quiz tomorrow. There was no way in hell you were going to let that asshole Namjoon get a better score than you on a test that’s right in your field.

With the fuzziest pj’s you could find and all of your hair pushed back by a headband you were ready to start. Padding through your phone one last time to find the perfect playlist and to set a timer, a quick text pops up on the top of your screen.

Unknown[8:26PM]: are you ready for tomorrow?

Unknown[8:26PM]: Btw this is Namjoon, figured you weren’t smart enough to figure it out so I saved you the time.

You[8:27PM]: Am I supposed to be impressed or can I block you now?

Unknown[8:28PM]: You wouldn’t block me

You[8:28PM]: Bet

This user has been blocked

Just as you set your phone down and finally prepared yourself to study a loud pair of knocks hit your front door causing you to groan inwardly and throw yourself of the comfy desk chair (which had the heater pointed at it) and begin to head down the hallway, blanket burrito and all.

The knocks sounded again, this time a tiny bit louder. With no hesitation you flung the door open, not fully ready to see a disheveled Namjoon standing at your door as it was surprisingly pouring rain. His honey colored hair stuck to his forehead and his glasses were wet with water droplets, no doubt he was not currently able to see, and his dark green hoodie was soaked fully. It looked as if he ran here.

“Why in the ever loving fuck are you here?” You snapped at him, clearly not ready to greet a guest. Let alone your self proclaimed arch-nemesis.

“Unblock me now.” His voice was curt and eyes hardened.

“You’re telling me that you ran all the way over here to tell me to unblock you? Are you fucking with me?!” You ran your hand through your hair, or as much as you could, with disbelief. He seriously is gonna be like this?

“I said unblock me Y/n.” 

“Namjoon I don’t even know how you got my number in the first place, but that definitely does not mean that you can just run over here in the rain and bang on my door whenever you feel like it!” You began to yell at him, slightly agitated that he would be pulling a stunt like this, especially this late at night. 

“Y/n-”

“No Namjoon, ever since you showed up you have made it clear that you hate me for some odd fucking reason. You’ve made it your lifes mission to make me feel like I’m not as intelligent as you and now you’re running to my door like a madman in a romance film and freaking out over me blocking you?!”

“Fine you want me to make your life hell? I’ll do that then.” He spat the quickly whipped around and stomped off into the rainy night.

“I DIDN’T EVEN SAY THAT, WHAT THE FUCK.”

---------------

With the clear evidence of no sleep hanging below your eyes you trudged into the philosophy lecture hall, coffee-less and tired as all hell. And if you being there wasn’t a shock for everyone, it was the icing on the cake when you didn’t even realize Yoongi was trying to get your attention the whole time and instead you marched right past him and made your way to your designated seat. 

You know, the one right fucking next to Kim Namjoon.

“Aww did someone stay up all night studying?” Namjoon joked with whoever decided he was decent enough to be a friend. Glaring at the said male you sat down in your chair and slowly lowered your head onto the table, you felt sick to your stomach. 

“Come on Y/n it’s rude not to answer people, or maybe you should go back home and relearn Korean if it’s too hard for you. Who are we kidding? It’s a surprise that you even learned this much Korean in the first place!” Namjoon and all of his friends barked out in laughter as they taunted you. 

Yoongi who could hear most of what they were saying was beyond furious, but as he handed out the tests he stopped at your table.

“Y/n please see me after class.” Yoongi spoke softly, careful incase you were feeling sick or had a headache, but also to give you a sense of comfort from himself. 

“Ooooh is Y/n in trouble? Not surprised since she never actually shows up to class. Maybe she really isn’t as smart as everyone thinks she is, maybe she’s been fucking the teacher this whole time and he’s just been giving her A’s as a cover up for her stupidity-” You quickly looked at the test, a 10 question test with mildly detailed parts. Slamming the paper down you fill out each one in a record time of however long Namjoon had been taunting you for, plus a minute or two. Standing up and cutting off his sentence you placed the paper on Yoongi’s desk and stormed out of the hall in a rage. 

Just as the door was closing you could hear Yoongi call out your score,

“Y/n 100%”

The echoing of the door filled your ears as you sped through the halls and towards the culinary kitchen, in a moment like this there was no comfort like the arms of the one and only Kim Seokjin. Slamming the stainless steel double doors open and tying your hair up, you are met with the displeasing sight of Jin surrounded by a handful of fangirls as they watched his decorate his practice cake for the finals in a few months.

Hearing the doors slam shut he barely lifts his head, normally uninterested with who shows up but the teary eyed look that was painting your face was enough for him to request for everyone to immediately leave. Within seconds he had his large arms wrapped around you, crushing your head into his broad chest as he cooed into your ear. 

His back was facing the door so anyone who came in would only see the broad shouldered man hugging something, but with your constant bad luck streak a handful of voices filled the kitchen.

“You should have seen her, she was out of there faster than a bat out of hell.” His deep yet distinct voice made your body stiffen, signalling Jin that whoever that voice belonged to was the one who made you like this. His protective instincts kicked into full gear as his favorite baby cub (You being his first, Jimin being second, and Yoongi could be considered third) was distressed by a boy. 

“What? I’m probably right I mean she’s never in class yet always has the highest score. How can that not be suspicious? She has to be fucking Min.” Namjoon continued on, sadly on his part, giving Jin a pretty good rundown of why you were like this. 

The second Namjoon walked in and saw a fairly tall and broad male hugging someone he was about to tell the others they should just leave, but as he made his way around and the same mustard yellow hoodie you were wearing filled his vision he stopped. 

“Well, we found the bat boys.” One of the other boys mocked, “Hey dude why are you hugging her for so long,don’t you know she’s fucking Min?”

“Who even is this guy anyway?” Namjoon asked, walking closer to the two of you before Jin slowly unlatched himself from your crying form, a small sob ringing through Namjoon’s ears like a bell as he immediately stopped in his tracks with wide eyes.

Jin slowly turned around, placing you behind him and earning a few gasps of shock from your bullies. 

“You-You’re Kim Seokjin! We’re sorry!” Two of the four boys scream then run out of the kitchen like chickens with their heads cut off. Thus leaving Namjoon and a tall boy with straight black hair and bunny teeth. Seokjin looked over towards Namjoon, a deadly glare in his eye as his hands gripped your arms tightly. 

“We’re going to take this outside in just a secon-”

“Jin” Your voice was surprisingly strong for how much you were beginning to crumble at the moment. “It’s fine just let them be, I’m going to head home anyway.

Giving Namjoon a ghost of a glance you passed by him, hand in hand with Jin and exited the culinary room in mission of going home for the day.

-------------------

It was the fifth day in a row that you woke up and it seemed like a dark cloud had been cast over you, your normal happy giddiness was gone, hiding away in the shadows. You didn’t feel like yourself lately to the point, you picked a pair of worn out nikes over your school-wide famous crocs. Slowly dressing in more of a grey and black color scheme, a complete 180 from your normal bright and happy wardrobe. 

Something was wrong, be it the constant bullying from Namjoon or how his words were finally starting to get to you, it wasn’t normal and everyone knew that. Especially when you walked into Philosophy class (on a normal day at that), dark grey sweater hanging loosely from your body and a pair of black joggers on your legs, no color was found on your outfit. You set a small cup of coffee onto Yoongi’s desk with no greeting, not meeting the eyes of the shocked and terrified teacher as he noticed the drastic change in your personality.

He always made fun of how you always wore bright colors but secretly admired how you were never afraid to wear a color or pattern with the belief that if you thought you looked good in it then other people must too. But as he looked at the black monochromatic colors that were on your body he couldn’t help but feel terrified at what was truly going on in that head of yours for you to not only not greet him whatsoever but also be so muted and depressed.

You silently made your way up the steps and towards your seat, ignoring the shocked whispers of everyone around you as they were wondering the same thing as your teacher and dear friend. But most of all you looked down at your black shoes as you slowly made your way into your seat, ignoring the absolutely petrified look that was displayed on Namjoon’s face. 

His eyes raced your body for any type of color that could be secretly hidden in your clothes, a simple trick that you were going to take off the sweater and yell out a ‘happy late april fools!’ with your normal jolly smile on your face. But as his eyes met yours all he could focus on was how dark the circles under your eyes had become, how your nose and lips were red and puffy from crying but only noticeable from the close proximity he was at. 

“Oh wow she actually showed up to class! Whats with the black are you depressed now? Did Mr.Min start refusing your service or did he realize your too stupid for his taste?” One of Namjoon’s friends taunted you from behind. Tears threatened to spill from your eyes but you were quickly saved as Yoongi passed by with the test in his hand and slammed it on the males desk, giving him a firm glare and a quick ‘shut your fucking mouth’.

You looked at the paper, it was as if you couldn’t think or see straight no matter how hard you tried. You couldn’t think of anything as an answer so you glanced around, from the corner of your eye you could see Namjoon glance at your paper, you’d think he’s concerned but from your past experiences all you could assume was that he was mocking you, and you give up. You give him what he wants. 

Writing your name at the top and a quick ‘I’m sorry’ at the top you gathered your things in a hurry and raced down the wooden classroom steps, setting your paper on Yoongi’s desk your eyes met as he pleaded silently for you to stay and explain what was going on. But with a shake of your head you walk out the door, all eyes on you then on Yoongi as he sighs and grabs you paper, crumpling the edges slightly.

“Y/n 0%”

----------------

Yoongi wasn’t sure about what to do, you were his best friend, only friend at that. But ever since Namjoon started his bullying shit you became, different. More isolated, quiet, and now you were wearing no color whatsoever. And if that’s not a cry for help then he doesn’t know what is. Looking down at your test paper he sighs as he stares at the blank sheet, nothing but a small messily scribbled ‘I’m sorry’ written at the top. 

To be completely honest he wanted to beat the living shit out of Namjoon and his friends for making you feel like this, for taking away his sunshine. He was even more nervous at how Jimin and Jin were going to react, considering the two are much more touchy and emotional towards you, compared to himself. Setting your paper down he looks up slowly, eyes burning with their dark rage as he meets the apologetic eyes oh Kim Namjoon. 

“Mr.Kim you will be meeting me after class.

----------------

Jimin was unaware of the current situation at hand, considering he was double majoring in dance and Chemistry. An odd mix but he loved the two subjects so no one stopped him, and that’s what he absolutely loved about you. How the moment he told you his majors (slightly afraid that you were going to make fun of him like the others) your eyes lit up with amazement as you questioned him.

‘So are you gonna be a chemist by day and a dancer by night? Oh my god that’s so fucking cool!’ 

You were supportive of him no matter what he did and he adored you for that, the happiness that you carried with yourself was addictive to him as he was a worry wart. But being around your carefree sunshine was enough to have him ready to marry in a week.

Jin was somewhat the same, he met you as you had stumbled into the culinary room asking if anyone knew how to make a ‘good ass cup of coffee’ and suddenly requested him by name. You barged right in, ignoring the teachers threats and continued to give him a slightly detailed order of what he soon learned was Mr. Min Yoongi’s favorite drink. 

But he wasn’t taking any of your shit saying ‘do you really think that I’m some little coffee boy you can boss around?’ normally if a girl was put on the spot by Jin he would be relived of their presence soon after but instead you laughed, you fucking laughed at him  and said ‘oh Mr. Kim Seokjin if you were just some coffee boy I wouldn’t have come to you for help. Plus you are way too handsome to be just a coffee boy.’

He warmed up to you slowly, it took a few weeks before he slowly accepted your friendship, it also took a few lunch trips to your expense but you were happy with it nonetheless. And soon after a switch flipped in Jin and you became his little babygirl, nothing was allowed to harm you and the happiness you brought into his life. In fact the two of you had a knock for sharing clothes and accessories with each other so you brightened up his life in more than one way and he wouldn’t be able to imagine a life without you.

But as Jimin and Jin walked down the hall, laughing like no one could stop them (A trait they both learned from you) They never saw your huddled body walk towards them as you were normally a circus and a half wherever you went. Your shoulder hit Jimin’s roughly and he quickly turned around to apologize and continued walking, never realizing it was truly you.

------------------

Yoongi’s eyes bore holes into Namjoons as he shifted uncomfortably under the gaze of your three best friends, of course the other two were confused as to what was truly going on as they had just walked into the room but nonetheless were staring at Namjoon as if he had done something wrong.

“What’s going on?” Jin asked Yoongi, trying to judge just what exactly Kim Namjoon could have possibly done for the man to be so livid.

“You’ll see” Yoongi spoke harshly while glaring daggers still. 

The sound of the door closing signaled for the men to all look over with joyful faces as they knew you entered the room. But the deafening sound of Jimin’s texts books hitting the ground was all anyone would hear as your colorless body walking into the lecture hall, hood pulled up over your head and you eyes facing the floor. 

“Y-Y/n” Jimin whispered gently, almost in disbelief that this was truly you standing before him, this person dressed in black and grey was truly his sunshine.

“Y/n what happened?” Jin gasped as he quickly ran over and grabbed your pale and tired face in his hands, the black bags under your eyes were more prominent than he saw the other day. 

“Y/n please listen to me.” Namjoon quickly turned towards you.

“No Namjoon, it’s okay, I get it now. I really am stupid and insignificant, I’m an idiot for being best friends with my majoring teacher and I’m sorry for insulting you. I resign as student tutor and I’ll see you all on monday, have a good weekend Mr.Min.” You voice was small, smaller than you wanted it to be but as you uttered Yoongi’s title a clear sound of heartbreak was heard through out the room.  Turning around you took one final glance at the boys who were your friends and your nemesis who you hoped could maybe, just a small sliver of a maybe be something more.

---------------

Walking into Chemistry class on monday you wore all black once again, slowly setting your books and items on the desk and seat next to you. Ignoring the watchful eye of Jimin as he was clearly trying not to cry with how you were acting. 

“Morning Jimin.” 

“Morning Y/n.”

Those were the only words said from your mouth the entire class.

When the clock hit 11:00AM you briskly opened the door to Yoongi’s classroom, passing his desk in a rush as you had no coffee, no greeting, nothing to give to the heartbroken male as he watched you pass his desk with a hint of tears lining his sorrowful eyes. Studently slowly began to rush into the classroom, filling it within minutes. Which means the seat next to you was definitely taken from the man who started this all. 

You looked at Namjoon from his side profile, his jaw was clenched as he chewed on the inside of his cheek in frustration. 

“Hey look Y/n you seem kinda down is Mr. Mi-” 

“If you don’t fucking shut up I swear to god I’ll beat the shit out of you.” Namjoon snapped at the male behind you, then moved his chair close to yours and slowly slid off his red rain coat and draped it over your shoulders and placed the hood over your face, shielding you from the world. 

The class continued with Namjoon glancing at your nonmoving body underneath his red jacket, confusion was written on his face as you took no notes but still seemed to understand what’s going on. He slowly slid your notebook to his side of the table and began to flip through, eyes widening upon realization.

“Mr.Kim can you please open Miss Y/n’s notebook to page 57, her notes are what the class note-takers are made from as she took the previous summer to learn this years material.” Yoongi asked Namjoon but also subtly informed the class about what was truly going on.

“You mean the class note-takers are her notes? They always help me so much!”

“No wonder she can skip she already learned all of this!”

Yoongi looked over towards Namjoon and smirked before nodding his head and continuing with the lesson.

---------------------

“Y/n you have to let us in” Jimins nearly crying voice pleaded on the other side of your door. 

“Come on sunshine just let us in before I break this door down.” Yoongi casually threatened. 

You groaned loudly, wrapping yourself in the softest blanket you could find and made your way towards the door, sliding it open just a tad bit, enough to tell them to go away. But also enough for Jin to cram his fingers through and slam your door open, nearly hitting your head in the process and allowing a Jimin to fling himself on you like you were rose to a floating piece of wood.

“Jimin get off of her we need to post up real quick.” Yoongi looked at you with a soft glare as he neared you. He gently grabbed your face in his large hands and chuckled, “If you ever thought you could get rid of me that easily, you’re wrong Y/n.” 

Unexpectedly he pulled you into a hug, but nothing was like a Yoongi hug as he truly knew how to hold onto someone like they meant the world to him. His arms laced around your back and up into your hair, cradling your body against his as the two of you were comfortable in each other presence.

“Y/n I know we all just made up but we also need you to promise not to tear out heads off and feed it to Jin’s Sugar gliders.” Jimin asked, knowing you are the softest for him and would usually say yes. 

“Am I too late?” 

You body froze.

You lungs were restricting your ability to breathe as that damned voice hit your ears.

“Y/n.....can we....talk?” You turned around slowly, scared that he was all of a sudden going to pounce and worsen your condition. But so far he seemed safe, plus the boys brought him over so maybe it was safe?

You nodded slowly and followed him outside your apartment and into the frigid night as it was getting colder as fall was around the corner. Tightening your grip you wrapped the blanket closer to your body and unconsciously huddled closer to Namjoon for warmth, to which he gladly accepted and slung an arm over your shoulder and pulled you into his chest. 

It was unfamiliar and scary, being wrapped in the arms of the enemy who smelled too much like the bath and body work candles that you loved so much. It was like having a snake wrapped around your neck and expecting it not to bite.

 “I’m sorry Y/n. I’m so sorry for everything I did, for everything I started. You never deserved any of that when you did nothing wrong in the first place. And this isn’t an excuse for what I did because nothing could explain that but I was just so afraid of you. I’ve never met someone who was as smart as me but so much more kind and radiating with happiness, I was jealous and angry that so many people liked you that I tried to find any way to tear you down and by god I regret doing that.” He tightened his grip around you and slowly began rocking back and forth, burying his nose into your hair as he continued to talk.

“Please Y/n I can’t stand seeing you like this, knowing that I killed a light that so many people loved and admired is tearing me apart so please, whatever I can do to help I will. Just please find your light again.” 

You breathed in slowly, taking in his intoxicating smell before you pulled away and pulled his arms off of you. His eyes were clouded with hurt and guilt at your actions, knowing he took it past the point of no return and it was all his fault. But when you grabbed his hand and mused a small smile he felt as if his heart was bursting into millions of little pieces.

“Friends?” You tilted your head and gave him a toothy grin.

“Friends.”

---------------

The next few weeks in class were interesting to say the least, Yoongi had once again been restored to his rightful pedestal of best friend forever. While Jin and Jimin were keeping a close eye on how Namjoon was around you, passing their test with flying colors as he confronted the class on what happened and of course as 11 AM philosophy students everyone just looked at him and gave a quick  ‘okay cool now can one of you guys explain this to me please’. 

But as the weeks went on a little rift had become a large rip between yours and Namjoon’s relationship. Where he had been eating lunch everyday with the 4 of you at break and taking you home, even hanging out for a few hours to watch movies and play games. Now have turned into him taking you home and quickly running off before you could even mutter a thanks towards the lanky boy. He also began to be more secluded during break and talked only with Yoongi then would run off as the bell sounded. 

It was a peculiar rainy day, nothing seemed to start it off on the wrong foot. Yoongi canceled class under the excuse of “My alarm didn’t go off, oops.” A direct from the email you received a half an hour before his class started. Because he was your only class for the day you were now free to do whatever you liked, which was rare on a day like this. You slowly sipped your coffee as you sat in the large windowsill placed in your living room a perfect place for relaxation on a day like this. 

Just as the warm cup touched your lips a deafening knock was banging against your door. Rolling your eyes and you knew who it was and not too happy that he had been avoiding you for the past two weeks,but you’ll humor him. Walking over to the door you fling it open to be met with an oddly familiar sight of Namjoon standing at your door, soaking wet from the rain as his hair is plastered against his forehead. His red rain jacket was keeping his clothes dry for the most part but his face was absolutely drenched. 

“Unblock me Y/n.” He whispered with a small smile on his face.

“What are you talking about Namjoon.” You couldn’t help but smile and shake your head.

He stepped up closer to you, closing the distance between your two bodies drastically, as he slowly slid his right hand down your arm until his fingers were laced between your own. 

“That night, when you blocked me.” 

“Yes I remember that night Joon.” His nickname slid of your tongue like smooth honey which cause him grin giddily. He gently pulled your body to follow his as he stepped outside into the rain, immediately the cold droplets began to hit your face as you looked up at the man before you. If you were the grinch your heart would have grown twice the size of your body just by the look of adoration he was giving you.

“I wasn’t angry at you, I was angry that I couldn’t do this. I love you Y/n, from the first time I saw you in your black crocs and shirt with Jin hyung on it I’ve loved you.” 

Slowly Namjoon lowered his face towards yours, looking into your eyes just before we both unconsciously closed them as his plump lips met yours for but a second. He pulled back, staring at each other for just a second more as the memory burned into our brains. He quickly dropped his head and fully pressed his lips against yours, latching your top between his two. His hand gently slid up the side of your arm and laced itself through your hair and onto the back of your head as he pressed our heads closer together, closing any distance between out body that could possibly be there.

With a sudden lack of air we both pulled away, lips red and pump as we gasped for breath. Namjoon gently rested his forehead against yours, a blissful sweet smile graced the two of our faces before he swooped in for another quick kiss then wrapped his arms around your body and rocked back and forth as the two of you stood in the rain.

“Will you be mine Y/n?”

“Yes. but you ever insult my crocs and were splitting.”

“I wouldn’t dream of it.”