#also rendering is freaking difficult

[iknowthislooksbad]

[wombywoo]

Ok! I've finally decided to put together a (somewhat) comprehensive tutorial on my latest art~

Please enjoy this little step-by-step 💁‍♀️

First things first--references!

Now I'm not saying you have to go overboard, but I always find that this is a crucial starting point in any art piece I intend on making. Especially if you're a detail freak like me and want to make it as realistic as possible 🙃

As such, your web browser should look like this at any given point:

Since this is a historical piece, it means hours upon hours of meaningless research just to see what color the socks are, but...again. that isn't, strictly, necessary 😅

Once I've compiled all my lovely ref pics, I usually dump them into a big-ass collage ⬇️

(I will end up not using half of these, alas :'D)

Another reference search for background material, and getting to showcase our models of choice for this occasion~

When picking a reference for an actor or model, the main thing I keep in mind (besides prettiness 🤭) is lighting and orientation. Because I already kinda know what pose I'm gonna go with for this piece, I can look for specific angles that might fit the criteria. I should mention that I am a reference hound, and my current COD actor ref folder looks like this:

Also keep in mind, if you're using a ref that you need to flip, make sure you adjust accordingly. This especially applies to clothing, as certain things like pants zippers and belt buckles can be quite specific ☝️

Now that we've spent countless hours googling, it's time to start with a rough sketch:

It doesn't have to be pretty, folks, just a basic guideline of where you want the figures to be.

The next step is to define it more, and I know this looks like that 'how to draw an owl' meme, but I promise--getting from the loose sketch above to below is not that difficult.

Things to keep in mind are--don't go too in-depth with the details, because things are still subject to change at this point. In terms of making a suitable anatomically-correct sketch, I would suggest lots of studying. This doesn't even have to be things like figure drawing, I genuinely look at people around me for inspiration all the time. Familiarize yourself with the human form, and things like weight, proportions, posing will seem a little more feasible.

It's also important at this stage to consider your composition. Remember to flip the canvas frequently to make sure you're not leaning to one side too often. I'm sure something can be said for the spiral fibonacci stuff, which I don't really try to do on purpose, but I think keeping things like symmetry and balance in mind is a good start ✌️

Next step is just blocking in the figures. Standard. No fuss 👍

Now onto the background!

It's frankly hilarious how many people thought I was *hand-drawing* these maps and stuff 😂😂 I cannot even begin to comprehend how insanely difficult that would be. So yeah, we're just taking the lazy copy and paste way out 🤙

I almost always prepare my backgrounds first, and this is mostly to get a general color scheme off the bat. For collage work, it's really just a matter of trial and error, sticking this here, slapping this there, etc. I like to futz around with different overlay options until I've found a nice arrangement. Advice for this is just--go nuts 🤷‍♀️

Next, I add a few color adjustments. I tend to make at least 2 colors pop in an art piece, and low and behold, they usually tend to be red and blue ❤️💙There's something about warm/cool vibes, idk man..

Now we move on to coloring the figures. This is just a basic block and fill, not really defining any of the details yet.

Next, we add some cursory values. Sloppy airbrush works fine, it'll look better soon I promise 🙏

And now--rendering!

I know a lot of beginner artists are intimidated by rendering, and I can totally understand why. It's just one of those things you have to commit to 💪

I've decided to show a brief process of rendering our dear Johnny's face here:

Starting off, I usually rely on the trusty airbrush just to get some color values going. Note--I've kept my sketch layer on top, but feel free to turn it on and off as you work, so as to not be too bound to the sketch. For now, it's just a guideline.

This next stage may look like a huge jump, but it's really just adding more to the foundation. I try to think of it like putting on make-up in a way~ Adding contours, accentuating highlights. This is also where I start adding in more saturation, especially around areas such as ears, nose and lips. Still a bit fuzzy at this point, but that's why we keep adding to it 💪

A boy has appeared! See--now I've removed most of the line layer, and it holds up on its own. I'll admit that in order to achieve this realistic style, you'll need lots and lots of practice and skill, which shouldn't be discouraging! Just motivate yourself with the prospect of getting to look at pretty men for countless hours 🙆‍♀️

I'll probably do a more in-depth explanation about rendering at some point, but let's keep this rolling~

Moving forward is just a process of adding to the figures bit by bit. I do lean towards filling in each section from top to bottom, but you can feel free to pop around to certain parts that appeal to you more. I almost always do the faces first though, because if they end up sucking, I feel less guilty about scrapping it 😂 But no--I think he's pretty enough to proceed 😚

They're coming together now 🙆‍♀️ Another helpful tip--make sure you reuse color. By that, I mean--try to incorporate various colors throughout your piece, using the eyedropper tool to keep a consistent palette. I try to put in bits of red and blue where I can

Here they are fully rendered! Notice I've made a few subtle changes from the sketch, like adjusting the belt buckles because I made a mistake 😬 Hence why you shouldn't put too much stock in your initial sketch~

The next step is more of a stylistic choice, but I usually go over everything with an outline, typically in a bright color like green. Occasionally, I can just use my initial line layer, but for this, I've made a brand new, cleaner line 👍

And the final step is adjusting the color and adding some text:

Tada!! It's done!

All in all, this took me the better part of a week, but I have a lot of free time, so yeah ✌️

I hope you appreciated that little walkthrough~ I know people have been asking me how I do my art, but the truth is--I usually have no clue how to explain myself 😅 So have this half-assed tutorial~

As a bonus, here is a cute (cursed) image of Johnny without his mustache:

A baby, a literal infant child !!! who put this wee bairn on the front lines ??! 😭

Anyway! peace out ✌️

[fandomsandflyingstingrays]

Some arthritic Telemachus headcanons, because I love projecting

His first flare happened when he was two, and it scared the daylights out of Penelope. She spent hours poring over Polites's old medical texts and writings for any solution (because I'm definitely in the camp of him being a healer)

I know they didn't have immunosuppressants in Ancient Greece, but they also didn't have jetpacks, so let's say the combined brain trust of Polites and Penelope managed to figure something out. Telemachus's fevers came further and further apart, the aching in his joints became manageable, the fatigue no longer kept him bed- bound, but things were never the same again

For one thing, because of the aforementioned immunosuppressants, Telemachus got sick all the time. He felt increasingly guilty about it the older he got, fearing it was keeping him from being able to defend Penelope from the suitors. Penelope, however, just spread rumors that everything from a cold to an infected toenail was actually a deadly and very contagious illness that only she should take the risk of tending to, so those episodes actually ended up being a defense of their own

In addition, while Polites had notes on some things that helped with symptom management- stretch and strength exercises, warm blankets and baths- fatigue and pain were common enough in Telemachus's days that learning how to fight proved difficult

That is, until Athena showed up

Telemachus had absolutely no plans to tell her about his condition, having hidden it from the suitors his whole life, until he walked into his first day of training with her and she handed him a spear with a grip she'd designed specially to help his fingers

He'd fully assumed she wouldn't want him as her warrior if she knew. But she not only did she continue to train him, she put all her goddess-of-wisdom prowess into doing so in the most accommodating way possible. She hounded Apollo about what exercises Telemachus should be doing to warm up and cool down, always kept their sessions short, and crafted his Warrior of the Mind outfit with his joints in mind: boots with extra arch support, wrist and knee braces built in, gloves to protect his fingers, etc

That's how he became such a competent fighter so quickly between Little Wolf and Odysseus: for the first time, he had a teacher that knew how to work with his limitations

Training with Athena was a major confidence boost, but when Odysseus came home, Telemachus still begged Penelope not to tell him

Obviously she refused, never having lied to Odysseus and not about to start now, and never having seen arthritis as a weakness the way Telemachus had growing up trying to keep up with the suitors

But the argument was rendered moot when Telemachus got an infection from Melanthius's blade, because come on, the man definitely never cleaned that thing

Obviously, Odysseus freaked ("this is Poseidon's fault, I know it, he still hasn't gotten over the stabbing thing-") but Penelope was just like "don't worry this happens all the time"

"What do you mean this happens all the time"

Odysseus didn't leave Telemachus's bedside until his fever broke, lying next to him and singing the lullabies he used to sing to him when he was a baby. In his delirium, Telemachus just assumed he was dreaming Odysseus was there the way he often had in years past, and he cried with relief when he was well enough to remember that his father really had come home

Then he wiped his tears away and saw the way Odysseus was looking at him

"Mom told you, didn't she"

He waited for the disappointment that was surely coming, for the legendary hero to bend under the weight of realizing that it was impossible for his only son to ever measure up to his legacy

Instead, Odysseus took his face in his hands and said he couldn't believe how lucky he was to have a son stronger than he ever could have imagined

It still took a while for Telemachus to stop trying to perform around Ody, trying to be the son he thought he expected even though they both knew it was a struggle

But there came a day when they were at the base of one of the palace stairwells and Odysseus could just tell it was a bad enough day for Telemachus that they would cause him a lot of pain. He could also tell that Telemachus would insist no matter what that it was fine

So Ody just. Scooped him up and carried him up the stairs

When he set him down, Telemachus was blank-faced, and Odysseus began to worry he'd overstepped. He started to apologize, but Telemachus cut him off. "It's okay," he said, and then, "thanks, Dad."

It was the first time he'd ever called him dad. Odysseus cried for half an hour

After that, Odysseus became the first person that Telemachus was fully able to let take care of him. He'd grown up trying to protect Penelope, and he never totally stopped wanting to please Athena, but Odysseus was so genuinely delighted to be a caretaker that it was easiest for Telemachus to fully relax when he was with him

He knew he'd never be the warrior Odysseus had been, never be able to stand the relentlessness of war, but his parents and his patron were doing everything in their power to make sure he'd never have to. By the time he took the throne, he was the king the new world needed: able to lead with empathy and to keep his battles short

[wisteriasonthemoon]

Do coincidences strike twice?

oh yeah, my replay. I got distracted. I was in chapter 1, at the very first free-time event

this is a great place to start blogging about it again, because there's a question that has been bugging me that Kokichi's event provides great context for. I would like to call upon fandom collective memory for a potential answer

in his FTE #1, Kokichi claims that he and Kaede have met before, but she's forgotten about him. after Kaede questions him, Kokichi goes into a very short story about how they supposedly met. he then rescinds his claim

Kokichi: Hmmm, let's see. We met... Kokichi: ...under hostile circumstances similar to this. Kaede: Huh? Kokichi: You sheltered me while I was on the run from my enemies. With your piano skills, you managed to raise enough money to fund my escape... Kokichi: But then I betrayed you! I sold you out to my enemies and you were swiftly killed! Kaede, thinking: Th-there is no freaking way any of that is true... Kaede: That was all a lie! Kokichi: Yup, it sure was! We met each other here! I can't believe you fell for that, Kaede. You're such a sucker. Kaede: Geez... Kaede, thinking: Yeah... This is the sort of prank a kid who wants attention would pull.

because of the fantastical and vague nature of the story, Kaede dismisses him without much consideration and some agitation, yada yada, Kaede leaves annoyed

okay, context established. smash cut. tumblr town time now

so, there's this DRV3 theory post from 2021 by tumblr user fit-artichoke8738 that I really enjoy. well, I say theory post, but it doesn't attempt to conclude anything about the game or its' mysteries. it's more of a musing connection between two background details: the DICE logo and Kaede's research lab door

for those of you who didn't click the link, basically, Kaede's research lab door resembles the right half of the DICE logo. or, to put it another way, the right half of the DICE logo resembles piano keys. like this

that's it, that's the whole post. fit-artichoke8738 doesn't further speculate. which is all well and good, because although nobody points it out in the notes, the right half of the DICE logo is ... the "C" and "E" in DICE ...

... probably??? right???

which means this could easily be explained as an artistic coincidence. both are black and white, composed of common shapes, and the devs might have not been thinking about the similarities given all the time and work that goes into creating a game like DRV3

I have an addition though. is this *also* an artistic coincidence

IS IT?

did the devs consciously choose to write Kokichi doing a "you were my ally once! psych!" rug pull on Kaede in his first free-time event with her and then they just. spilled paint and accidentally made this design on her shirt

a design, btw, that I am aware is officially listed in the DRV3 in-game gallery as her former high school emblem. it also names the school as "Shining Star International High School". it's a reference to Seisa International, a real conglomerate of International schools in Japan, or so claims the danganronpa.fandom wiki

the only post I can find of similar speculation is from 2020 on VK, a Russian social media, where someone else pulls "LIE" out of the same emblem, just without utilizing the whole thing

and jokes aside, I can guess why this isn't talked about much. this is a background detail, the framework that most people (seem to) view the truth of DRV3 is through Tsumugi's game-show explanation, and there are several ways to dismiss the "DICE" reading, including but not limited to the fact that Kaede has a very inconsistently rendered emblem between her cut-scenes and sprites

but I expected to be able to *find* that dismissal. like "oh. that's weird. ANYWAY." kind of posts. nada. am I missing them??? where are they??? I'd love to understand where the logic for current DRV3 interpretations comes from. the lack of theory discussion these days makes that difficult for me. might as well start with what happened with this idea, since I'm interested in it

if anybody knows, that would be cool. and with that out of my system. I'll resume replay next weekend. maaaaaybe tomorrow

[stuffnonsenseandotherthings]

In my spare time, when I'm not watching dramas I'm either reading books or watching people talking about books on YouTube. One tradition I've always really enjoyed is their "Mid-Year Freak Out" tag, especially because I like the idea of getting a chance to reflect on the year so far as well as look to the year ahead.

This year I thought I'd combine my two passions and use (and in some cases alter) the prompts for my own use, i.e. so that I can talk about dramas rather than books.

The only rule: answer the questions (and go wild I guess).

And we start the list with the biggest risk! No The Trainee is nowhere near finished and, no I have no idea how it's going to finish (it's GMMTV it could drop the ball through the floor and into the earth's core for all I know) but, if it manages to keep going the way it's going, I'm going to absolutely love it. I've mentioned before that The Trainee reminds me a lot of Misaeng, what I haven't said is that Misaeng is my (tied) favourite drama of all time and if The Trainee can get anywhere close to making me feel like I did the first time I watched Misaeng (which it is so far) then it's on to a winning formula.

So far it's got everything I look for in a drama: a solid cast with excellent chemistry, a plot that focuses on the little battles of everyday life, and an excellent mix of fast friendship and slow burn romance with plenty of character development along the way. It also doesn't hurt that it's got the balance between slapstick-funny and emotional tension pretty much bang on either.

I can't get this drama or it's characters out of my head and I am deeply, deeply, invested in where things are going next so, as a nod to the hold it has on me and my hope that I've found a new all-time fave, The Trainee is my favourite drama so far so GMMTV DO NOT LET ME DOWN.

Thai BL opening themes can be very hit or miss for me (I won't lie, I have skipped many an opening sequence because I can't stand the song) but Wandee Goodday's "Fan With Benefit" caught my ear the first time I heard it and refused to leave me alone after that. I think I listened to it on repeat for at least 2 weeks and then at least once a day after that.

It's fun, it's flirty, it's got a chorus I like to dance to and it has now found itself on my "Songs to Cook Dinner To" playlist (I don't know if that says more about the song or how I cook dinner).

Now if only the drama lived up to its theme song...

Last Twilight would have been on this list had I not dropped it in December and, as a result, rendered it ineligible for a 2024 drama. I'm still absolutely fuming about how badly it let its audience down and how terribly it handled an extremely nuisanced topic to the point its final messaging was almost harmful.

I'm not going to get into this in too much detail because my frustrations have been voiced much more eloquently by people @lurkingshan and @twig-tea. I will say, however, that I loved the first 6(?) episodes of Wandee Goodday and I'm really sad about how much I didn't enjoy the rest of the drama.

There were a lot of things to like (and a lot of potential) right from the start: two couples with great chemistry, an ace character with actual depth and dimension, really sweet relationships (both familial and friendships), and the foundations for some interesting explorations of various interpersonal dynamics. Unfortunately none of these things really got followed through on and instead Wandee decided to go dark (with topics like mental health, sexual assault, loss and grief, parental neglect and abandonment to name a few) and do it badly. I don't mind if a show wants to explore difficult topics, in fact I really appreciate it, but what I won't tolerate is a drama introducing those topics as central plot points and then skimming over them in the most superficial way possible.

If you can't be bothered to put in the effort to properly research/explore difficult topics, do not include them in your drama.

I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS SHOW SINCE IT FIRST GOT ANNOUNCED. Which unfortunate because I was so excited for it I got stressed about it living up to my expectations (or not) and then couldn't watch it when it came out. It's annoying, it happens, I know how to fix it.

Anyway, I've given it some space, I've dealt with the other things that were making me stressed and I am now ready to devour it give it a go.

I have long been a fan of Ahn Pan Seok's works and I really appreciate his directorial style, the themes he chooses to tackle, and the way in which he explores his topics of choice. I will fully acknowledge his work is not for everyone; he favours slow (extremely slow) stories with characters and plots who are realistic to a frustrating (and sometimes infuriating) degree. You also need to have a pretty in depth understanding of Korean society and its problems, taboos and concerns to fully understand the underlying messages of his dramas and the structures/beliefs/views he's critiquing. That being said, for me that is the perfect recipe for a drama that's going to claw itself into my brain and stay there.

Secret Love Affair, One Spring Night, and Something in the Rain all had a lasting impact on me and, thanks to @lurkingshan's posts, I'm pretty sure Midnight Romance in Hagwon will join them.

It may come as a surprise after the last entry but I actually try quite hard to not get hyped about upcoming releases, mainly to avoid creating any expectations which can then be disappointed. I like to go in with as open a mind as possible.

As a result, there are a few upcoming releases I'm keeping an eye on but none I'd say I'm properly "anticipating" (á la Midnight Romance in Hagwon). The closest I can get is Monster Next Door which I am genuinely excited for and which I plan to watch from day 1.

I'm not completely sure why I'm looking forward to it so much, I think it's because I do love a good opposites attract, foes-to-hoes dynamic and Monster Next Door seems like it's going to offer that to me in spades alongside a serving of comedy and a sprinkling of heat. Bring the introvert-extrovert pairing and let me watch them be stupidly whipped for each other, it's all I need for now.

Technically all of the dramas on my Want to Watch list because I want to clear it but I'm aware that that's a bit of a reach.... If anyone can spot any dramas on here that you think I should prioritize (or dramas you think I should scrap), recommendations would be appreciated.

I also want to watch more Japanese BLs. The few I've got through, I've enjoyed and, for a lot of them, I've already read and loved the source manga so I know I'll enjoy the plot. Unfortunately I really struggle with the short episodes (30 minutes is not long enough for me to get invested) and that I have to commit to binging them and can't watch them while they're airing, which is a whole other issue. I'm thinking of focussing on Japanese GL for now as a hook (I'm not enjoying the current Thai GL line up and I'm running out of Korean GL I can find online) so I guess the dramas I "need" to watch are She Loves to Cook and She Loves to Eat and Ayaka is in Love with Hiroko.

* Biggest surprise

* Newest favourite actor/director/writer/producer

* Most beautiful drama

* Newest fictional crush

* Newest favourite character

* A drama that made you cry

* A drama that made you happy

And there you have it! Lightly tagging @lurkingshan @twig-tea and @italianpersonwithashippersheart but no pressure! Anyone else who wants to do this, feel free! Just tag me so I can gather more recs to make my To Watch list even longer.

[julicati]

so i made this au

Its like a future au but geuss what

flippy, who's dead, gets revived for the 3rd time by the higher ups because flippy is too evil to go to heaven but too godd to go to hell so yeah

so basically the sun became toxic and like some toxic air infests where they live. It burns flesh and rusts metal. Obvi tho flippy died in this when it strated so like he made sure his kids got out of the camper and ot the city but like he didnt go himself because he cares for his kids(eye roll) anyways when the kids are trying to get to okay city(causeit has protectioncs agaisnt this for some reason) alot of them get slowed down and go back for each other, so they get lotsa scarring. Also, gilbert dies so curlys soul just becomes a bit insane lol.(they were besties) naomi also died too but melving got her instead which is why he has themark on his face.

Also molly finnaly got older lol. shes scarred because her, petey, dogman, and lil petey treid to save the day(again)

also poppy is trying to bring flippy back from the dead and becomes a cultist lol.

also why is rendering yellow characters so freaking difficult

[nemo-of-house-hamartia]

MY DISASTER THROUPLE FML.

look at them.

LOOK AT THEM.

They are such dorks, so in love with each other, and yet I imagine them having to maintain a certain facade while working together in the hideout.

Like, when Rooks speaks with them, usually their conversation goes like this:

Tarquin: You good? Bela: Ashur. Ashur: Rook.

(yeah, kinda headcanon that Bela uses "Rook" as her alias among the Shadow Dragons).

and on and on again because the dialogue with them in game is limited.

So, I absolutely imagine Belahrian exchanging all formal greetings with Ashur, going back and forth, back and forth, trying not to laugh while she tries to see a crack through Ashur's facade.

With Tarquin it's easier, because he gets frustrated much faster, so there is no game for Bela there.

But with Ashur, it's a challange, and usually, she manages to know if he is smiling under the mask if she sees his eyes crinkling.

ALSO ALSO, ALL THE FLUFFY MOMENTS FOR THEM.

LIKE.

Tarquin spends his days at the archives, just waiting for the time he would get home and slip into bed with Ashur and Bela for cuddles, because FML, THOSE ARCHIVES ARE DAMP AND HE MISSES THEM SO MUCH (but would never admit it, not even under threat of torture).

And he is such a grumpy cat, Ashur and Bela actually have a bet going on with one another to see each day who is going to be the first one to make Tarquin blush and squirm with their flirting.

Up until now, they are neck and neck with one another, but then again, Tarquin is not that difficult to render putty in their hands lolol.

He melts in their arms like a popsicle in summer.

And he deserves all of that.

And the bickering: fml, Tarquin and Bela bickers like there is no tomorrow, It's a miracle poor Ashur doesn't end up with an headache each time they starts (luckly, their bickering is stopped by an intense make out session, so tension is released at least lololol).

My disaster throuple.

I love them so much.

I need.

I need to draw them cuddling in bed.

Like, I imagine that most of the time Ashur's temperature run like a freaking furnace, and so he is the one in the middle because both Tarquin and Bela instead are cold as heck (for different reasons). But I love to imagine that Tarquin would hang on Bela just as much, especially when he feels particularly grouchy, because he just love cuddling with her, and viceversa.

Except when she suddenly zaps him at night (nightmares provokes sudden surges of electricity, Bela's favourite type of magic), poor Tarquin lol.

GODS I LOVE THEM SO MUCH.

[front-facing-pokemon]

gmax sandaconda is the DEFINITION of snootirific. i'm not the nose rater but i have to say gmax sandaconda might have the best snoot in the whole franchise

i saw someone in the tags of one of the posts where i used the word "snootiferous" say that they added that word to their vocabulary. as though it was a word i didn't make up. i totally did make it up and now i keep saying it, specifically in posts on this blog. i have not said it anywhere in my real life but if i can make other folks say it then i think that's the ultimate funny

not getting their models, but rendering the eyes properly. there are two competing and likely theories for why the eyes are so fucked up in gen 9: number one being that the eyes are rendered dynamically in-game as shaders instead of as flat textures like they typically were in past pokémon games so that pokémon can look around, have reflections in their eyes, have more dynamic eyes, et cetera, which means they're much more difficult to render authentically for quick silly tumblr screenshots; and number two being that game freak renders them dynamically as a "security measure" to keep folks online from ripping the models as easily to use them for… whatever they want. such as blogs like this, which are of course extremely harmful to the pokémon company's bottom line and destroying their business et cetera et cetera (sarcasm). either way, the eyes are fucked up, and i either have to find a way to recreate the eye textures from what i am given in the texture files, or i have to find a way to recreate the eyes to the best of my ability using shaders in something like… blender, which is what i've been using for more recent models since gen 7. that puts more work on me for every individual model, and isn't exactly easy for models that i have to rip and convert myself when there are dozens of nodes in the shading panel that i don't know what to do with. for example, here's what quaxly (famously, a pokémon with pupils that can look around, as it appears in a whole cutscene in-game) looks like out-of-the-box when i convert it myself from the model format used in-game:

if you can't tell what's wrong, here's what it's Supposed to look like:

notice the white pupils? those aren't rendered properly in blender, notably because no texture exists for them. no texture even exists for anything you see in the eyes there, but it's all somehow magically appeared in the shading section, by magic. and i am not that kind of wizard

this means very little to me. i just played around with some of the nodes by looking at the strangely-colored textures that were given to me with the .trmdl conversion, and i managed to get something close enough:

but they kinda look like they're looking in two different directions (possibly fine? we'll have to see how they look front-facing) and the colors are slightly off (can anyone tell but me? possibly not); not to mention it likely won't be this easy with every pokémon. pokémon whose eyes are much more complex or have colors i can't easily match, for example, or pokémon for whom multiple parts of their eyes are missing… not to mention i don't necessarily have the time or willpower to be spending hours tinkering with these models every morning to make sure the eyes look right. ideally i can take what i've learned from fucking with quaxly right now to hopefully move forward a bit smoother, and eventually i'll refine a process. but until then, this is what worries me

right, but it's also less funny. the initial concept for this blog, inspired by pokémon like snivy, is that some pokémon look really funny when they're up in your face staring at you. it's a concept everyone loves. but if they're facing away from you, there's considerably less to work with there. they're all Kinda just gonna look the same. they lose a lot of that personality. i suppose i'll consider it if i ever run Really low on options, though

nah. i don't do visual art anymore. that time has passed—now if i do it, it's usually a one-off thing and i never want to look at what i've created again afterward

[pyjamaart]

A looming presence... (A piece of fan art for Episode 11 of the Christmas Comeback Crisis)

Read more for an essay on all the memes and references ;)

So here it is. Finally. Only one month too late: This piece of CCC fan art I've worked on since the episode came out.

Sorry for the delay, but I just started at my new job this week and it's been a little stressful, so I didn't have much time to work on this. But now it's finally here!!! I gotta say, the hardest part by far was the background, lol. I didn't mean for it to escalate that much. At the end I was honestly running out of memes to draw.

I bet we can all agree that episode 11 of the Christmas Comeback Crisis was so worth the wait, right???? My god. Peak entertainment. I still can't believe I'm getting all this awesome lore and music for free, feels kinda criminal.

I'm so invested in this story, it's unreal. I can't wait to see how it will end. I can already tell it's gonna be pretty emotional. (And not to alarm anyone, but I have a slight feeling that the Voice is not gonna make it out of this story arc alive. I mean, after everything he's done, it's safe to say that he kinda deserves it. Of course I really don't want him to die, cause that would mean…….. Woodman would also have to die??? Otherwise the Voice will just keep coming back again and again because Woodman is keeping his memory alive…….. Oh man wait a moment….. I don't even want to think about that. Forget I said anything about this.)

Anyway, let's talk about this piece of art for a moment.

In the foreground, we have our brave protagonists. I really really like how Nozomi turned out, so I decided to make her my new icon from now on. Don't get me wrong, I love my old icon, but it's kinda zoomed out and you can't really make out any details when it's really small. So Nozomi it is. Meta Knights sword was shockingly difficult to draw, especially because I had to figure out how to draw it when he's holding it at an angle like that. Otherwise, drawing him was actually one of the easiest things about this whole thing. His design is really just two circles with some arms and armor. Figuring out how the circle tool in Gimp works has never felt this good. (Kinda crazy I can just draw him like this now, considering how obsessed with him I was when I was about 12-13 years old. Back then you had to download official renders of your favorite characters onto your computer, then print them out and hang them on your walls all around your room. Yeah I've always been like this.) Drawing Santa was really fun too, just his right hand was a little difficult. But that's just because I still can't draw hands in general. Maybe I should practice drawing hands more. (Naaaaaah I'm just kidding, I'll never do that.) Now that I'm looking at him again, he's also longingly staring at President Haltmann in the background. Doomed yaoi fr.

Speaking of the background, let's talk about that next. There's obviously the title-giving "looming presence" the Voice. I had his hands completely in the background at first, but I thought it looked cooler when they were hanging threateningly around Santa's shoulders. (You may ask yourself, 'man these hands look kinda alright for my usual hand drawing standards', and that is because I traced over pictures of my own hands. I love "cheating" at art.) I also gave him his stupid little bow tie and the colored buttons on his suit sleeves. Not only is that kinda my trademark for drawing him at this point, it's also supposed to show, that under all the threats and the evil villain persona, he's just kind of a loser. A real (male equivalent of a) girlfailure. That's why I made sure that half of the things shown in the background are there to make fun of him a little. I love the Voice dearly, but that's just what felt right.

And now let's get to the actual main course of this essay. I probably spent half the time working on this on the freaking background. I'm just gonna start in the top left corner and then go down each column and explain what each of these mean or what they reference. (Since there are some quite obscure ones in there.)

Let's start with the two ponies in the very top left. They're actually ponysonas of Nozomi Tojo (left) and Takane Shijou (right). Nozomi is an earth pony and has a tarot card as her cutie mark, specifically the ace of cups. Takane on the other hand is a unicorn and has some musical notes as her cutie mark, which you can't really see. I don't know enough about the Idolmaster to think of something more meaningful for her, sorry. ;)

Under that are Susie Haltmann and her father, President Haltmann. They were (after Woodman) the first characters I wanted to draw into the background. Susie has this black bar covering her face, since she was never really there to begin with. The whole story line with her father wanting to bring her back was actually so freaking sad. And when the Voice killed him in episode 11 and that image of Susie flashed on screen as the last thing he saw before he died….. Oof……… That's also why I drew that cursor looming next to her "window" about to click on the closing button. Haltmann himself is also the only character in the background to actually leave his little window, wanting to reach his daughter. He's also glaring at the Voice for causing him all of this grief and anger in the first place with his false promises.

Then there's…. ahem, "Hot robots in your area". With drawings of a random unnamed robot and Mettaton from Undertale. Which the Voice has apparently bookmarked. This is just a head canon, but I like to think he has a thing for robots, lol. ;)

Oh and on the left next to that on the very first column is Simpleflips' logo. Shoutouts to Simpleflips indeed.

Onto the next column. At the very top is Haruka Amami (also from the Idolmaster), who played a pretty huge role in the CCC, especially in the latest episode. That moment at the very end where she saved Grand Dad from certain death was just fantastic. Absolutely goated scene. She's kinda pressing her face against the window she's trapped in. I hope you can even see that from far away, haha.

Under that is one of the more obscure references. It's from a King for Another Day video, specifically one titled "The Hobart Hootenanny - SiIvaGunner: King for Another Day". It's a slideshow made of beautiful Hobart pictures. One that struck me personally the most was a little family picture of Hobart and the rapper Eminem, who was also a contestant in the KfAD tournament, looking lovingly over their son sitting in a cradle. Eminem is seen saying "Our son is beutiful". A truly touching photograph indeed. In that same slideshow is also another scene of Hobart together with the Voice, but we'll talk about that one later.

The next one is a reference to the CCC side story "I wanna thank me" and shows a pie chart with the election results that were discussed in that episode. Under the pie chart itself is a little box containing all the different parties and showing their respective percentages. On the left is a poster for the "Poké Poké Literature Party", showing Monika's head with the words "Just vote Monika" at the top of the poster. The words (and Misha.) are scribbled on the bottom, lest we forget that she's not running this party alone. This side story was first featured in the Christmas Comeback Crisis Watchalong in 2020, which was actually the first time I watched the CCC in its entirety. It all went downhill from there. ;)

Then there's the Voice's… thing? Object? Weird apparatus where no one really knows what it does or what its purpose is? Every time we see the Voice sitting in his office, this thing is sitting on his desk right next to him. There's been loads of jokes about its purpose. They've all been made before. I'm not going to repeat them. Only the Voice himself truly knows what this thing does. Probably. Could just be a decorative piece of art.

Then we have something veeeery self indulgent on the next column. It's Aquaman from Megaman 8 (With a not so subtle skull right next to him). You should all know by now that I'm the founding father of the Aquawood ship. And I also have the head canon that Woodman and the Voice are very divorced. Interpret into this whatever you want.

Next to Aquaman is the internets' favorite panel from the web comic Tails Gets Trolled. I fucking love that comic. If you haven't read it in its entirety, I highly recommend doing it. (Though be warned that it contains some pretty heavy topics, many many slurs and a plethora of gore.) Okay, maybe I don't recommend reading it. (Just read it with all of that in mind.)

Under that is a personal favorite joke of mine. It's supposed to be Spotify, with a playlist open that I created some time ago. I called it "Die Pizza Playlist" (Remember that die in German is just "the") which I always listen to when I'm baking my own pizza. Highlights include "Pizza" by Antilopen Gang, "Pizza Heroes" by Lemon Demon (You can actually see the album art for Spirit Phone on the left of the playlist.), "Pizza Pizza Pizza" from the Ratatouille musical and so on and so on. The first song in the playlist is obviously "We like pizza" by the Pizza kids, which is even playing in the image. On the side are two more music artists, at the bottom is the image for the Veggie Tales soundtrack, which also featured a song called "Pizza Angel". And over that is Mitski. I just feel like the Voice would listen to her music. Do not question me on this.

The audience laughs at the funny 7.

On the Voice's left shoulder sits a single green bean. It's flashing you a cheeky grin and a peace sign. While I didn't intend for this to happen, I accidentally referenced my own Woodman birthday gallery art from two years ago, where the bean also sits atop the Voice's shoulder. I know that next to "Yankin'", the bean is one of the most hated memes on SiIva, but I think he's just a silly little guy! :D

Let's head on over to the next column. Seems like the Voice has an incoming call from one of his guards, but he's ignoring it as he has more important things to do, like hovering intimidatingly over Santa Claus.

Next to that window on the right are the Voice's messages. I almost wrote "messanges". That would have been embarrassing, thank god I caught that in time. This is also (yet again) a little self indulgent, since the Voice apparently has the last message he sent Woodman pinned to the very top of his messenger app. His big triangular head is blocking most of it, but since I'm the artist, I can tell you exactly what it says: "Please call me back", which was sent on February 1st 2023, the day "The Disappearance of Woodman" was released. Yeah, I'm still very upset, how could you tell? :( Under that is a message to his trusty pizza guy asking for a pizza with extra cheese.

Next we have two of my favorite memes on the SiIvagunner channel (My absolute favorite being "Funny budots", since I never wrote that down anywhere.), one being Frisk Undertale becoming uncanny and the other one being the goat. I don't really know how to describe the goat, but apparently it was crafted by the same artist who made the stoned fox that's also very popular online?? I may just be stupid, but I didn't know about that until I looked up a reference for the goat. Since it often appears alongside Undertale and Deltarune, many have made the assumption that this is what Asriel would look like in real life. That's why Flowey is there next to it with an equal sign. Whoever drew up that calculation wasn't really sure of their work, which is why they drew a question mark right next to it. Between Frisk and the goat is a little Soul, also from Undertale/Deltarune.

Onto the next column, where I'm dropping very subtle hints that a specific character in this image might like pizza. Or might even be a little obsessed with it. On the left is a list with the contact details of three well known pizza chains, on the very top is Sonic the Hedgehog who just recently became a brand ambassador for Totino's and on the bottom right of this section is a flyer for some kind of pizza sale.

The next window contains my favorite joke of any rip on the entire SiIvaGunner Youtube Channel. "Peepoona 5. Let us shart the pants." Just typing this out is making me die of laughter yet again. (The rip in question is "Our Beginning - Persona 5".) But as you all know, I am very into toilet humor. That's why Aquaman is one of my favorite robot masters. And why I'm such a big fan of Youtube Poop. And why I watch Minion fart gun religiously. But enough of that, you get what I'm trying to say. I love funny poop jokes. That's why this is here.

Oh man. This next one is why I wanted to write this very detailed essay in the first place. A reference so obscure, even I can't find its origin anymore. And believe me, I tried. Thankfully, I took a screenshot of the original comment thread this was based on. A user called "The New Guy" commented on a SiIvaGunner rip, something along the lines about how much they enjoyed this specific rip. At the time, the comment had 920 likes, so I'm guessing it must have been a pretty popular video. (The comment should also be about 4 years old now?) Anyway, under that comment, someone asks them what their profile picture was from. They simply answered "wagon", since that was exactly what their profile picture showed. Someone on the SiIvaGunner team must have found this exchange so funny that they commented "wagon" as well. And that's the origin of this joke. If anyone knows which rip this is from pleeeeaaaase tell me. I need to know.

I don't think I need to explain who the next guy is. Just the love of my life. I specifically drew Woodman in his getup from the Nuclear Winter Festival, since that was the last time he appeared on the channel. He's looking kinda concerned in the general direction of the viewer, for obvious reasons. And right under him is his trademarked >:] emoji.

And last but certainly not least, the final column! Now I finally get to talk about this other scene from the Hobart Hootenanny. It shows Hobart and the Voice having a romantic stroll at a beautiful beach, while the sun is slowly setting in the background, making the water shimmer with its breathtaking colors. Okay, the last thing didn't really happen, since it's a shitty MS Paint drawing, but I like to imagine it did. Maybe I should draw a remake of this image one day. Now I'd like to quote the video in question: "A man and Hobart were walking together on the beach. He looked back and saw that in his times of sadness and need, there was only one set of footprints. He asked Hobart why he would leave him in his time of most need. Hobart simply turned to the man and said, VVVVVRRRRR SRRRRR RRRRGGGHHHH--" (Thank you SiIva Wiki for the transcription.) Now I don't think I need to explain why I drew Hobart in a bikini top and fishnets. The question answers itself.

The next image is actually quite easy to explain. It's mm5charge and smol Maki. In another universe, Chargeman and Maki might have been integral to the SiIvaGunner lore. This specific image is just stolen from my piece of fan art called "Megaman 5 Brainrot (featuring Acidman)", which I posted in 2022. I still head canon that Megaman and Love Live take place in the same universe. Just because I think it's funny. And because I want to see funny robot masters interact with the girlies from Love Live. How do I explain this? It's like…. balancing out the world? The robot masters are almost all male (with a few exceptions) and the characters shown in Love Live are all female. How would Thanos say? "Perfectly balanced, as all things should be." Don't question my cool head canons, okay?

After that we have a poster featuring the Jazz Cats! I really really love the little animations that showed their backstory when KfAD2 first came out. I don't know if it's okay for me to say this, but I also really really enjoy the song "But Not You" written (in universe) by Doge and Naxx. The text is veeeeeeery questionable, but man, does it sound good regardless… And shoutouts to wolfman1405 for the heavenly vocals.

On the right of that is a missing poster for Wade L.D.. Nothing much to explain here I guess.

Left of that is the Voices shopping list, which lists flour, oil, yeast… Wait a minute…. All of these are ingredients for pizza dough! Guys, I'm beginning to think that this guy might like pizza.

On the very bottom of this column is Mario 7 Grand Dad himself, who has his hostile gaze directed at the Voice. I would be pissed off too if someone kept me locked in a glass tube for 7 years.

The last little window just shows the Vineshroom with the words "fecal funny" written under it.

And with that, it is done. The entire background thoroughly explained. (I may have gone a little overboard this time.)

It's been a while since I posted new art, huh? In the meantime, a lot has happened. As I said before, I started a new job, got a tattoo of Woodman on my leg (best idea I've ever had btw) and I also started watching MLP, which explains the Love Live / Idolmaster ponysonas, lol.

And that's all I wanted to say. I hope that the next piece of art isn't that far off. Jenny out. (I think this might have been the longest essay I've ever written here. I'm so sorry. By which I mean, I'm not sorry at all. I'm not forcing anyone to read this.)

[strayheartless]

Here have some anxiety ridden Squall Leonhart as I have a panic attack on a train platform!

Squall has had anxiety pretty much his entire existence. When he’d first been told that it wasn’t Normal to analyse every detail of his interactions with people his exact response was “must be nice” because he genuinely doesn’t know what that feels like.

His anxiety could possibly be called crippling, but only because it renders him non-verbal sometimes. Most people think he’s just being difficult but the people who love him have come to realise that it’s a strange consequence of his fight or flight reflex that renders him mute.

Meeting Cloud for the first time had kind of been a relief. The man wasn’t Anxious like he was but his reactions guilt and exhaustion were a mirror of Squalls subconscious need to control the syllables caught on his tongue. Cloud understood that sometimes speaking felt like a monumental task and Squall could have cried when the Amman had understood him.

Dealing with Anxiety while in a relationship was interesting. Rinoa had known he was anxious but he’d never told her about the fear of her leaving, or the panic that gripped him when she was annoyed about something and hadn’t told squall it wasn’t about him. It was never her fault that Squall got in his own head, and she always tried to help, but Squall felt trapped in a spiral.

Cloud seemed to have a better handle on Squalls panic. He seemed to predict it so well that when Sora bounced in one afternoon, looked him up and down and then said “do you need anything?” Squall knew Cloud had been teaching people how to recognise his stress.

Cloud holds his hand when he starts to bite his nails. He untangles his fingers from his hair and places a hand on his knee when it bounces. The tiny murmur of “breath lion” followed by a demonstrated breath has saved him so many times

Squall still can’t communicate that he worries Cloud is mad at him but Cloud always seems to be one step ahead of him. “Squall look at me. I am not mad at you. Something happened with a delivery that irritated me, but it’s nothing you have done.” Cloud just knows and it settles a lot in Squall.

Another part of Squalls Anxiety is not knowing where people are or if they are okay. Cloud has had to make serious changes to the way he operates while dating Squall because coming home to the mess he did the first time want an option. During two weeks of worrying Squall had shut down. Now he gets a phone call every night and a text at every delivery stop. It should annoy Cloud, but for some reason for Squall it feels like the bare minimum.

He also worries where Sora is ✨always✨. There is not a single moment of the day where a little voice in the back of Squalls head doesn’t whisper “he’s dead somewhere” and Squall will end up panting over the kitchen sink as he tries to calm down.

It’s not so bad when Sora is with Donald and Goofy. Squall can just flick on the Gummy ship tracker on his computer and see where they are. It’s even better then Sora has the Gummy phone. But when Sora disappears it’s not just Riku and Kairi who are freaking out. Squall doesn’t sleep most nights because of it.

Sora’s disappearance is possibly the worst his anxiety has been since he was 17 and isolated. He doesn’t talk a lot of the time, he barely eats. Cloud spends a lot of time soothing his more harmful habits, while Aerith, yuffie and Tifa all try to make the House as stress free as possible.

He takes up knitting on Aerith’s insistence, and Tifa’s got him learning Zangan meditation techniques to take the edge off. Cid is being very Cid about it and sitting in Squalls office when no one else can. Merlin makes sleeping drafts to knock him out, and even Riku is sitting with him to try and help him process some things.

Squall feels the guilt of that one acutely and tries to avoid the teenager at all costs, but Riku is patient when he tells Squall that helping him helps Riku process some of his own worries too.

In the middle of the night when the anxiety induced night terrors bother him so bad he can’t breath, Cloud will sit up with him and help him through the worst of the trembling; laying him back down and talking him though getting his speech back.

Ahhh okay, still gunna have a wee panic but it feels a bit better now

[heavilycaffeinatedsblog]

Hey heavily caffeinated!!!! I just read the newest chapter of the king and his fisherman and I just wanted to let you know I think you’re brilliant!!! You have such a skill for rendering characters so three dimensionally, you really breathe life into them and make them feel so real, and honest, and relatable. I don’t usually read exs to lovers, but I adored Dear Reader and Half the Galaxy so I said what the heck and now I’m obsessed. Literally no one else is out here doing it like you. The way you weave angst and heartbreak and tenderness and nostalgia together is such a potent concoction and your work deserves all the flowers it’s been getting from the fandom. You get at the heart of these characters so well, and render them with such completeness and complexity it literally makes my heart squeeze. I especially love the way you write Keith-it can be really difficult to describe a character that is troubled and has ugly issues from trauma and still manage to portray in a sympathetic and positive way without flanderizing them, but you clear that hurdle everytime effortlessly and you’re characterization of Keith has made him my favorite. Thank you so much for sharing your work with us!! And expect some kind of fanart in the near future ❤️❤️

Omg this meant so much to receive! I’ve been spending a lot of time mapping out Keith’s journey in particular. Navigating the past relationship when he clearly is struggling while also considering how I want him to show awareness and growth in the present has been a trip lol. I’m so glad it seems to be received well by all the readers! Thank you thank you thank you and bestie, you know I’ll freak out over some fanart 🤠🤠🤠

[pfffsfic]

Post-Fall Falls False Starts- Chapter 3: The Survivalist

Previous Chapter | Next Chapter

The red van's engines died down somewhere in the woods, half a mile or so from the outskirts of a little town that had barely acknowledged it passing through. A trail of flattened greenery laid in its wake. Thankfully it had avoided felling any trees- oh, wait, scratch that, it had felled one or two trees, but they were hardly big enough to count towards any sort of property destruction charge, the driver told himself. The day was still new. It couldn't have been any later than 7 in the morning when the doors opened up and Rob took a deep, nervous breath and took a look at 'home' for the first time.

"Wow," he said with equal parts awe and apprehension. "It's, I mean, it's flat!"

Indeed, the world in front of him had its objects sharply delineated by outlines, and the colors and textures were somehow more solid. It was not a new sight for Rob- even back home, many of the objects and most of the people had similar features- but, looking down at his own rendered body, he found himself uncomfortably out of his element nonetheless. Would the beings of this world be able to even comprehend that he looked different? Did everyone in the multiverse have the medium awareness he had grown with in a mixed-media society like Elmore? Were there even other beings here? There had to be. This was parallel Oregon. It had also been named by people, surely. There were no stories to be told in a universe of only trees. The shopkeeper also wouldn't knowingly leave him to rot in a world of danger, would he?

"A few warnings," said the shopkeeper from behind him, and he gulped. "One- this is a world of danger."

"How did you do that?" Rob glared at him.

"Do what?"

"Forget it. Danger, you said? What kind of danger are we talking, here, exactly?"

"Monsters, mostly, around here. Good luck."

The van door started to close, but Rob stuck his hand in out of desperation, eliciting a loud sigh from the shopkeeper.

"Hey, man! You can't just leave after giving me a vague warning like that!"

"On the contrary, vague warnings are part of my job description."

It was difficult to argue with that, but Rob still didn't pull his hand out. He realized that the door could perhaps close on his wrist and amputate his hand, but thought about maybe getting a cool hook afterwards- no! There's no way the guy would just do something like that! Rob had never done anything to him. Except steal and destroy his merchandise. And kill him that one time... but he digressed.

"Just tell me what kind of hellscape you've dropped me into."

"Hellscape? Your idea of a hellscape must be very strange if this is worse than where the gas station was."

"At least that place was up-front with its scariness. You're telling me I have to rough it in the woods with monsters stalking me? I'm-I'm just a kid!"

Rob considered himself a kid when it gave him sympathy points and an adult when it gave him responsibility points. Since nobody aged back home, it was basically the same thing- at least, that's what he told himself. The shopkeeper rolled his eyes.

"Had you been a food person, maybe I would have left you in a world of food people. Had you been a human, maybe I would have left you in a more mundane world. But you- you are a cyclops. A monster."

"Hey! Who are you calling a monster?"

"Well, you-"

"I know it's me! I'm saying I'm no monster. A freak, maybe, but, but, the thing is! Freaks are pitied. Monsters are feared."

"Don't you want to be feared, young man?"

Rob was about to snap back with a retort, but realized to a growing sense of discomfort that he didn't know the answer. Feared by his nemeses, maybe, or by the populace of the town that had abandoned him. Feared, though, by everyone, not because of his villainous ambition but because of who he was? Did he want that? Of course he didn't... or did he? How could he know whether he wanted it or not if he had never experienced anything close? Maybe it would be nice to have people run screaming from him. Maybe this was another potential means to an end. Maybe his dreams of being a supervillain could be salvaged, brought back even stronger, with this sudden change to his role in the world. He realized after a few moments that he was grinning.

"Good point," he said, something stirring inside of him. As a new sense of confidence wormed its way into his soul, he placed his hands on his hips and chuckled sinisterly to himself.

"Alright, well, I oughta head out and fetch some food. This is farewell. Don't worry, us Elmore folk are hard to kill."

"Hard to kill? Hold on, does that mean there are things here that are gonna try to- wait!"

The van was making a speedy U-turn before he knew it, and as it vanished from view, Rob was reduced to what he felt like on the inside- a 13-year-old boy lost in an unfamiliar, dangerous forest in an unfamiliar, dangerous world.

"It's okay," thought Rob, "I've faced worse."

"No I haven't," thought Rob's subconscious.

DAY 1: BEARINGS

If the boy had walked west he would have come across a building, and then another, and then another, and he would have felt a wave of relief wash over him as he realized he was close to civilization from the start. He didn't walk west. He walked east, and therefore he had no such realization and felt no such relief. The forest grew thicker and the sunlight that reached him grew thinner.

He decided his best option for a first step was to check his vitals, something he only vaguely knew how to do. He checked his pulse- absent, as usual. That was good. He did a few breathing exercises. He confirmed that he had not been even more disfigured when the van left Elmore (No More?) for wherever the gas station was. His backpack contained exactly what he had left in it: a crowbar, a bear trap, and fifteen Elmore dollars, which he doubted were legal tender in this world. Did monsters even use money, or did they just duke it out for what they wanted? No way could be take a monster in a fight.

"You are a cyclops. A monster," came the voice of the shopkeeper in his head. Maybe if he was a 15-foot cannibal with big 'ol fangs he'd have a shot at winning a few battles for food, but right now all being a cyclops gave him was awful depth perception. Besides, he was never really sure if cyclops was the name of his species or just a descriptor for anybody with one eye and no other real defining characteristics. If he really was the same sort as those in Greek mythology, he didn't look it before, and he certainly didn't look it now.

There was a pillow-shaped rock in this clearing. It didn't feel like an actual pillow, but hey, at least it looked the part. The birdsong and a faint, cool breeze made disregarding the warning about monsters easy. He hadn't meant to fall asleep, but after a few moments of promising himself just a few moments more of rest, he did it anyways and, rather unfortunately for anyone looking in, dreamt of nothing at all.

DAY 2: NIGHT?

Was it the morning of the next day, or was it the night of the first day? Did it matter? The forest was dark and Rob could only see himself by the faint glow of the static on his arms and legs. Sleeping on a rock would have given him a headache had he not been used to sleeping on a concrete block in the junkyard. 'Another victory for me,' he thought, not dwelling too long on the nature of victory.

In Elmore, Rob had a network of people to steal money from and the familiarity he needed to avoid getting caught. Here he had none of that, and if there were stores here he had not yet seen any. It was so dark, he considered, that he could be walking through a food truck festival and he wouldn't even know it! He'd need to find a food source. Foraging sounded exciting. Getting food poisoning sounded not so exciting. Trapping prey sounded exciting. Setting up a trap also sounded exciting, except that he knew nothing about the sorts of animals that lived around here, their habits, or their weaknesses. And he had no supplies. And there was no guarantee that eating the animals here wouldn't also give him food poisoning! Darn it.

He set to work on a pit trap to give his hands something to do, using his crowbar as the world's least effective shovel. Pit traps were simple. Effective. Rather unoriginal. It wasn't as if a deer or whatever could really appreciate a creative capture method (or any subsequent quips), though, so it didn't matter. His heart yearned for more intelligent prey that he could monologue to. Not too intelligent, though. There was hardly anything to monologue about with a pit trap regardless.

He realized he needed to start thinking about his situation as a matter of survival rather than a simple pursuit.

He put his mind to it and forgot about having a nemesis, about making elaborate plans for the sake of elaborate plans, about the warning he had been given concerning monsters in the woods. That last one was unintentional. It wouldn't stay forgotten, though, as the ground shook with a tremor that made his bones buzz- and then another, even stronger, and then yet another! He dove behind a rock and clutched his head until the tremors trailed off and became tiny little vibrations in the dirt. When he squinted into the dust cloud that had formed in the wake of the quake, he saw a trail of giant footprints that he was perfectly happy not to follow.

The rest of his day was spent reconstituting the pit trap, which had been dwarfed by the giant footprint that now surrounded it.

DAY 3: FORAGING

Us Elmore folk are hard to kill. What had that meant? The close encounter of the previous day had made Rob feel very easy to kill, if he was being honest.

It could have been a meaningless platitude. Yes, that sounded plausible. He would choose to leave it at that and go back to worrying about more important things.

He made a point of going the opposite direction to the giant footprints and came across a small bush with what looked like blackberries after only a few minutes. It could have been a monster disguised as a blackberry bush, he thought, but decided that if so it was an ineffective method of evading the notice of predators. The blackberries were bitter and their thorns painful on the inside of his mouth, but life was pain, wasn't it? No pain, no gain. Rob just wished he could feel the 'gain' part of this and not just the 'pain' part. The human body could go without food for 2 weeks, according to a fact he had read on a gum wrapper long ago, so (assuming his body was close enough to human to count) he could just put off the issue of food until real hunger set in. That would leave him with nothing to do but explore, run around, accidentally provoke a monster and get his head munched off- no. No, he had to occupy himself some other way.

On the bright side, eating wild berries with his hands had made him feel intrepid- adventurous. Like a real survivalist. It gave him a tiny boost to the ol' self-esteem. When he returned to the pillow(-shaped rock) that night, that tiny boost let him ignore the distant roaring he heard and fall asleep in a matter of minutes. Oh, yes, and the exhaustion helped too.

DAY 4: LATE

He slung open his classroom door with so much force that the books in his other hand dropped to the floor, prompting him to reach down and scoop them up haphazardly. He couldn't seem to get them in order! The big test was today and he had five minutes to study! Moreover, Prom was tonight, and he was only going to be allowed to run for Prom Emperor if he passed this test. College- was this college?- whatever it was, it was hard.

The words seemed to lurch and tumble on the page. They evaded his gaze at every turn, no matter how many times he blinked and rubbed his eye. The clock's hands stopped ticking and started sliding smoothly forward, which meant time was moving faster because of his anxiety. He finally managed to get through the first paragraph, a vaguely-written blur about which part of your throat a proper evil laugh should come from. This was easy! Just as he was about to move on, the bell- a giant bell, mounted on the ceiling- rang, and there was a yellow glow from something behind him, something that he never got to turn around and look at because of the sudden loud whistling noise that stirred him from his slumber and forced his eye open.

DAY 4: FOR REAL THIS TIME

There was a tiny, chihuahua-esque creature in front of him with a snout that resembled the spout of a teapot and a tail that curved into its body, resembling a handle.

"Oh," Rob said, reaching out with one hand, still half-asleep. "C'mere, little guy."

The thing shook violently and opened its mouth, letting out a sizzling hot jet of steam and the same shrill whistling noise that had woken him up previously. This time he was really awake, and it was a rude awakening, too!

"C'mere," he said forcefully, wondering whether the thing's resemblance to a kettle meant its meat had an aromatic taste. Before he could lunge forward and find out, it scuttled into the bushes, narrowly avoiding his leaf-covered pit trap, and the sound of intermittent whistling got further and further away. It was good to know this place's monsters came in sizes other than 'extra extra extra large'.

The rest of the day was spent building more traps. With the craft of crowbar digging down pat, he managed to set up two and a half before nightfall, and he put out the bear trap with some berries in it for good measure.

DAY 5: MUSHROOMS

The way he saw it, wild mushrooms had three types: one would do nothing to you, one would kill you, and one would make you hallucinate. Maybe some of them would do both of those last two. Survival experts could probably identify which ones did which on sight. Rob was not a survival expert.

He thought it reasonable that, by eating a tiny little piece of each mushroom variety he came across, he could determine which ones did what and also avoid death by poisoning. It was research, so it couldn't be crazy! Oh, who was he kidding? There was no guarantee he'd have a future in store for him here if he survived, so it didn't matter. Plus there was the warning about Elmore folk being hard to kill... he ripped off little chunks from some itty-bitty white ones, some yellowish frilly ones on a tree, some faintly-glowing pink ones on a log. He almost took a chunk off of a red and white one, but as soon as he reached for it, the red spots blinked and it burrowed into the ground like a drill to avoid his grasp. He wasn't sure going after it was worth the effort.

On what he thought was the way back to his camp, he stumbled across a small, rocky hill where a tiny cascading waterfall spilled over a little cave and flowed back into what looked like a tiny underground lake. The water tasted like stone and dirt, but it was drinkable. Then again, any liquid could be drinkable... once. He sat by the dinky waterfall and popped the white mushroom piece into his mouth. Bland and earthy. Now to wait and either puke or hallucinate- or both, or (Rob was crossing his fingers and hoping for this one) neither. Sure enough, hours passed with no incident, and so Rob, with crossed fingers once again, ate the yellowish piece.

Five minutes later, he shivered in the fetal position on the ground, head spinning, lost in a shifting world of amorphous colors, skin clammy, guts practically on fire. "Never again," he mumbled to himself, managing to toss the pink mushroom piece into the lake before collapsing on the ground and passing out.

DAY 6: HEADACHE

He couldn't have been sure the yellowish mushroom caused that reaction. Maybe it was a delayed effect from the white one! There wasn't a single fungus in this forest that he knew to be safe, and, still seeing the vestiges of swirling nightmares at the edges of his vision, it was a miracle he made it back to camp the next day without falling into one of his own still-empty traps. Maybe he had made that mistake too many times in the past to ever make it again. That sort of cocky thinking would put egg on his face if he ended up falling into one in the coming days, though, so he didn't let it make him confident.

Sitting on his rock with his head in his hands, Rob found his gaze drifting and landing upon a rabbit that had wandered to the edge of his clearing. A rabbit with horns... wait, was that part of the hallucination? No! It did have horns! It was a rabbit, but easier to grab! He made eye contact with its left eye and it inched closer. Suddenly, a familiar red mushroom burst from the ground behind it and it spooked, darting forward and- to Rob's amazement- into one of his pit traps! Mushrooms could be helpful after all!

The red and white one made a hissing sound, darted to the edge of the pit on tiny legs- was this even a mushroom?- and then, not wanting to risk the fall, walked away. As he put together a fire pit, Rob wondered what jackalope would taste like. Rabbit? Venison? Both?

DAY 7: BOTH

The coals were still warm, and Rob was feeling both fuller than he had in days and a little guiltier than he had in days.

He made his way to the waterfall to wash off a layer of dirt he noticed accumulating on him. On the bottom of the water, the chunk of pink mushroom had apparently regenerated and spawned about two dozen identical mushrooms. He drank from the waterfall instead of the pond this time.

Sometimes, cool guys on TV would sit under waterfalls and meditate. He wasn't sure what that did, but it was so common that it seemed to him it had to do something. He tried for about half an hour to get comfortable and found he was unable to, but maybe finding inner peace through the discomfort was the whole idea? Those waterfalls on TV, come to think of it, were always the super heavy rushing types, whereas this one was more like a trickle. Tomorrow he would return and sit by the waterfall and wait under it for something to fall into one of the traps. For now, he laid on the ground and let the sun dry him off.

DAY 8: INTERRUPTION

"I'm at peace with the universe. I am at peace with the universe," he repeated to himself, starting to feel a bit silly. Was this even what he was supposed to do while meditating?

The cave behind the waterfall was tiny, and nothing was in there, as he had discovered earlier while looking around. Just a pile of muddy boulders dislodged from the cave wall in some tremor at a much earlier point in time.

"I am at p-p-p-"

A freezing cold, solid, purposeful hand clamped down on his shoulder from the darkness and a shadow fell in front of him. His eye shot open. He got up, wrenched himself free, let out a blood-curdling scream, and ran... east.

[tanadrin]

based on Maintenance Phase’s short history of the British BSE outbreak, it seems pretty interesting as a situation where basically nobody did anything wrong, but something bad and difficult to foresee still happened

the feeding of bone and organ protein to animals seems basically unproblematic to me. so long as you’re going to eat meat, it seems more environmentally and ethically responsible to get the maximum benefit from each animal you slaughter

CJD-type prion diseases were known in animals before, including i think BSE, but it was long believed that they simply couldn’t cross from one species to another. and not without reason: humans had been eating sheep with scrapie for centuries with no ill health effects, and even transmitting the disease from one animal to another seemed to require a pretty substantial exposure

the UK had been feeding cows protein rendered from cows for a long time with no major problems; as certain protein and tallow-rendering processes got more consolidated over time, small changes in the industrial process that enabled a switch from batch production to continuous production of the protein meal, that had (possibly unbeknownst to anyone? this part wasn’t super clear) been protecting against the spread of BSE stopped working. but based on what we knew about prion diseases in the 80s, this shouldn’t have mattered anyway

except that BSE seems to be uniquely transmissible. even then, it seems to require a certain genetic vulnerability in humans; not everyone is equally susceptible. and it’s not like every burger in the UK was contaminated: the grand total of recorded cases in the UK is 178. unfortunately vCJD, the human form of BSE, is 100% fatal

the British government response could have been better--but it was in line with the general scientific consensus (which was wrong!) in the 80s that this was mostly an agricultural issue, not a public health problem, and the long incubation period made it hard to notice when the disease jumped to humans

tabloids got it right a little bit earlier, and freaked out, but the british tabloids turn everything into a frothing moral panic; this is more a case of a stopped clock being right twice a day than accurate interpretation of the science

and in the real story they’re trying to tell, which is about Oprah Winfrey being sued by a bunch of Texas cattle ranchers, the cattle ranchers seem broadly in the right! Oprah really was whipping up a panic that had no foundation, especially in the American context where there had never been a case of vCJD, and the kind of spread of BSE that happened in Britain was impossible. Oprah really was being irresponsible and even mendacious--but the law she was being sued under was protectionist bullshit, the standard for libel in the US is (correctly) pretty high, and the lawsuit ultimately failed, which was also probably good.

[mending-up-your-fences]

Really tempting fate by putting BTWIFY on for a quick listen. What song am I gonna start crying during? Tune in to find out.

Every time I Hear That Song is such a strong opener for what this album is. Setting the bar for how revealing the whole project is.

The Joke is such a special song, and the covers of it so seldom do it justice.

Hold Out Your Hand is the answer for when I start crying, which is new.

The Mother is the best song BC has ever written, full stop. Also, this song is the single reason I can picture myself becoming a parent. The backstory makes me cry every time I think about it too hard. Or when I just listen to it.

Whatever You Do is so freaking specific, and so clearly personal and true. I have a very specific memory of truly *hearing* this song for the first time while I was in a Dillard’s and just being struck by the honesty of it. Like a confession she couldn’t keep in. Also can’t believe they toured this entire album. Absolute blood letting of performances. The scream at the end always chokes me up. Also, the performance of it on The Late Show with Stephen Colbert is so incredible.

Fulton County Jane Doe is the moment that the album feels fully committed. Some of that is that it starts the B side.

Sugartooth is so beautifully constructed, really feels like a reach back stylistically to Bear Creek. Secret Sisters adds a lot.

Most of All voices the exact kind of love and forgiveness that comes with being an adult and understanding your parents. Bless Tim for this one.

Harder to Forgive makes me insane in a way that’s difficult to explain. Who the f*ck writes about this stuff so explicitly??? There’s just such a barren sheen of metaphor this whole album that makes it so raw and yet it’s musically so polished because BCB is insane. Also, want to emphasize how insane their commitment for all their album tracks being replicable with live performance is. Who does that????

Party of One… what else is there to say? The strings? The way BC got this in a single take? The way that this is so heart rendering as a lesbian who is scared to commit to anything because a failure would mean your identity might be somehow unearned??? The performance of it? The catharsis of the ending and the promise and stability of it? I think if I ever hear this song live I will be ash. Anyway, earnestly crying now. Happy Sunday.

[silyabeeodess]

FusionFall Headcanons: Asphalt Thieves

As we discussed with the Streetgrinders, they and the Asphalt Thieves have a mutualistic relationship. Asphalt Thieves emerge from sliced up/broken sections of road that the Streetgrinders create, and in turn the former often protects the latter. This need exists simply because it is much easier for the Thieves to piece themselves together from the rubble than it is to carve out a section of road on their own, and those separate pieces also act as a much more fitting armor for the Thieves to move around in. We see this in concept art, as they allow these monsters to have a natural slope to their backs and curve a little around their sides. Therefore, their gait isn't too inhibited by the otherwise bulky plating.

While primarily made of pavement, concrete, and similar materials, the Asphalt Thieves are also fashioned with construction machinery parts. This includes excavators, drills, and even cockpits installed for their mouth and limbs. Needless to say, they're pretty fierce tanks in a fight with few weak spots. It wouldn't be too much of a stretch to call them titans on the battlefield for this and their large size, with them easily towering over Earth's soldiers.

The descriptions for both the Asphalt Thieves and the Asphalt Freaks reveal that this species of fusion monster devour pavement. We can likely extend this to other minerals as well, considering just how deep into the earth these creatures are willing to dig. As not all fusion monsters showcase a true sense of hunger, this was likely a purposeful choice on Fuse's part during their creation. Breaking up a planet first is key to conquering it for him, and we see just how far the Asphalt Freaks alone can go through the Fissure as evidence: As described, "their insatiable hunger is partly why The Fissure is so deep!" It wouldn't be surprising either if these monsters had a heavy hand in the creation of fusion lairs across the City as a result--granted, there are plenty of monsters that could also contribute to this task. In any case, beyond the Fissure, their constant destruction has led to numerous damages underground, including the creation of sinkholes. This keeps recovery teams busy on a regular basis.

Worse still, their appetites aren't reserved for that alone. Even if they won't chase you down as a light snack, they absolutely will try to take an exploratory bite out of you mid-combat. This is also likely a means of capture as well, as fitting an entire person in their maw would be no issue for them. An example of this could be the mission, "Skunk Support," as Numbuh Six (Robobradly) was kidnapped by Asphalt Freaks and, during the first attempt at rescue, they were found carrying a sack of crystals instead. The likelihood of capture is small in comparison though, as it would need to be by a fusion's command.

Overall, their main method of fighting is to swing/stab with the large drills that make up their hands. It's worth noting that even the drills often outsize the average person, so one good jab is really all they need to do serious, if not fatal, injury. When fighting them, it's important to stay out of their reach, such as by moving sideways to keep out of their direct range.

If they do have one weakness, it's that the Asphalt Thieves have a very clumsy way of moving. Despite being built like a quadruped, they are actually bipedal. They cannot use the drills on their arms to walk with, or in the very least, if they did, it would likely get caught in the earth and only end up making their movements even more clunky and awkward. Their center of gravity is off, which can make it difficult to keep their balance when running. Their in-game animations showcase this by having them almost hop from foot-to-foot when chasing after the player. Therefore, if you were to damage one of their back legs, you could render them immobile and give yourself a strong advantage. Another issue for them is their vision, as the excavator maw creates a severe "underbite" that can blanket over their eyes. As such, a fusion fighter's much smaller size can be to their advantage depending on the direction of their attacks.

Asphalt Creeps are noted to be even stronger than Asphalt Thieves due to their titanium drills, meaning that they are often made of stronger, higher-grade materials than the Thieves are. Thankfully, these are fewer in number, focused largely near the area around Townsville Center.

[jaimecarrillo]

I (Almost) Regret Buying the Breville Control Freak — A $1,500 Smart Induction Cooktop

Dial up the precision.

My kitchen is packed with a bunch of tools that are, more or less, totally unnecessary. A $500 microwave that’s also an air fryer. A $1,000 espresso machine with an LED screen that froths milk into latte-art ready foam. An $850 oven that has a camera inside it. And perhaps the most shameful: a $500 machine that only makes nugget-style ice. Superfluous as these devices may seem, it’s hard to imagine life without them. However, there’s a recent addition that renders equal parts scorn and satisfaction: the Breville PolyScience Control Freak induction cooking system.

This induction cooker can do it all. Well, anything an induction cooktop can do, anyway. But it does it better and with an unfathomable amount of precision. The Breville Control Freak is built for restaurant kitchens, and it’s easy to be floored by the technical heat it brings to home-cooked food. But at its price point, is all that culinary magic worth it? For the most part, yes. Does that mean everyone should own one? Absolutely not.

What is the Breville Control Freak Temperature-Controlled Induction Cooking System?

Specs:

— Dimensions: 8 inches wide x 19 inches deep x 5 inches high — Weight: 24.7 pounds — Temperature Range: 86 - 492 degrees Fahrenheit — Temperature Stability: ±1 degree Fahrenheit — Features: Heat intensity control, dual-fan cooling system, durable stainless steel housing, high-heat resistant ceramic glass, Tritan polymer LCD display, color TFT screen, USB port, dishwasher-safe control knobs

The cleverly named Breville PolyScience Control Freak is an induction cooktop with serious technical specs that make culinary perfectionists salivate. For those unfamiliar with induction cooktops, here’s a quick primer: unlike gas and electric cooktops which transfer heat into a cooking vessel, induction cooktops are powered by electric coils that heat pots and pans through magnetic currents. This means that not only do pans cook food faster, but far more efficiently and precisely. The cooking vessel is heated directly, so the surface remains cool. That way, in the event of a spillover, messes won’t become stubborn — or worse, dangerous. The one downside is that you need to use induction-ready cookware. If a pan can’t hold a magnet, it won’t be able to heat up on an induction cooktop. Luckily, if you do any serious cooking, there’s a good chance you already have drawers full of induction-ready cookware. This includes all cast iron, enamel-coated cast iron, and stainless steel cookware. A fair amount of new non-stick pans are also induction-ready. 

The Breville Control Freak is massive. The box the device came in weighed nearly 25 pounds. Most of that was the device itself, but it also came with a lovely black travel case and a separate container for the probe thermometer. My last induction standby was the Tasty One Top, which anyone who’s ever seen a Buzzfeed cooking video is all too familiar with. This device dwarfs it in size and weight. The Control Freak hogs space on medium-sized countertops; moving it about from place to place is about as difficult as moving a stand-mixer. If the cooktop on your oven is flat, you could take advantage of the real estate there, so long as you don’t turn on your stovetop when you’re using it. The ceramic glass cooktop is wide and can house pots and pans from 4.5 to 10 inches in diameter, with a weight limit of up to 200 pounds.  

Design

In the very middle of the Control Freak’s cooktop lies a small glass nub. It contains multiple sensors to ensure the temperature of any given pan is as precise as possible. This glass sensor tip checks the temperature 20 times a second. That’s precision you can bank on. As far as temperature ranges go, the pan can range from a balmy 86 degrees Fahrenheit all the way to 482 degrees Fahrenheit. Along with the built-in sensors, the Control Freak can be paired with its companion probe thermometer to add an extra layer of precision to cooking for both liquids and oil. 

Home chefs control the various cooking options and modes via two dials, one for heat and one for time. A gorgeous LCD screen displays everything that’s happening. Buttons next to the LCD screen allow for further customization, including adjusting cooking modes and how quickly you want your pan to heat up. There’s also a small thumb drive you can insert to save cooking presets if you’re inclined to save a procedure you came up with on the fly. 

Tech and Power

Because it’s built for restaurant kitchens, the Breville Control Freak packs quite a lot of power. It has 1,800 watts that can  create massive amounts of heat, though the twin fan cooling system keeps things running smoothly. The device can also run for up to 72 hours with its built-in timer. Not only can Control Freak hold a steady cooking temperature, but it also sports a “keep warm” function like an old-fashioned Crock-Pot. Heat is distributed at three speeds, depending on how temperature-sensitive the food you’re cooking is, or conversely, how quickly you want to serve up dinner. 

Breville Control Freak: Is it Worth It? 

It was easy to assume the Control Freak would be more or less as big as other induction burners. The Tasty One Top is far lighter and smaller than the Control Freak, and more or less did what it was supposed to do. Better yet, because the Tasty One Stop is a portable cooktop, it did it on the fly. The Control Freak is also portable and even comes with its own carrying case to lug it from place to place. But that doesn’t stop it from being a tank of a machine. I splurged on the device as a birthday present to myself last October, and here are some of the reasons I love it, despite the fact that buying it put me in the poor house.

First Impressions

How does one justify spending this much money on a single cooktop, when they could just as easily buy a full-blown cooktop/oven combo for less scratch? Home Depot sells a good range of cooktop/oven combos for as little as $1,100. But one word comes to mind that sets the Control Freak apart: versatility. It’s not simply an induction cooktop. The Control Freak is also a precision fryer, a sous-vide cooker, and even a chocolate-tempering machine. So many previously untapped cooking avenues that would now be within arm's reach!

The Control Freak handily cooked mixtures containing dairy or eggs to correct temperatures without fear of curdling or boil-overs. Not only could the Control Freak deep fry at high temperatures, the device could oil-poach fish and duck at lower ones. If one was so inclined, they could place sugar in a pot and walk away for hours as the Breville Control Freak cooked it into perfect caramel. Induction cooktops also heat more efficiently, which is good for even cooking. Plus, it can cut down on your cooking time. A watched pot will boil on an induction cooktop, which is to say, far quicker than a standard stove. 

My first step was to put this efficiency to the test. Using Breville Control Freak’s built-in probe thermometer, I set a stopwatch to test out how long it would take to bring a quart of water to boil (212 degrees Fahrenheit) in an uncovered pot. It took five minutes and one second from start to finish. I repeated this process on a standard Frigidaire electric cooktop burner, placing the same pot with the same amount of water in it over the highest possible heat, this time using a separate probe thermometer. It took an astounding nine minutes and 51 seconds to get to the same temperature. That means the Breville — at least as far as boiling water is concerned — is almost twice as efficient as a regular stovetop when it comes to applying heat to pans, and, by extension, food. 

Dedicated Frying Station

My first actual cooking task using the Breville Control Freak was making a batch of frozen french fries. This is done by slicing up potatoes, cooking them in boiling water, and then frying them quickly in 340-degree peanut oil. If you’ve ever purchased fries from your grocery store’s freezer section, this is essentially what you’re buying: a pan-fried potato. Making them at home cuts down on the cost of these mainstays, not to mention plastic waste. 

The Breville Control Freak thermometer has a setting specifically designed for frying. Once you add food to the hot oil, the temperature of the oil dips about 20 degrees as the food tends to suck away heat from the fat. Luckily, it bounces right back up to temperature after about five to 10 seconds, all without having to fuss with a dial. Frying on a stove using an analog or digital thermometer isn’t nearly as responsive, and you have to watch your food like a hawk. With the Breville, the first batch of frozen french fries cooked up in about 90 seconds. And when it comes to frying food like bone-in chicken thighs, it’s convenient not to have to fuss with the stove dial to make sure the temperature is correct. 

There’s no fear of the chicken being undercooked or the crust over-browned. If a recipe calls for something to be cooked at 350 degrees Fahrenheit for 12 minutes, you can bet on the Control Freak doing just that, give or take a few seconds. 

Precision frying means that food will cook more quickly and thoroughly, which also translates to less cooking fat being soaked up into your actual food. Homemade donuts and churros are especially tricky to get right, because what are pastry doughs but big, porous sponges? Now, it’s difficult to imagine ever going back to making churros, donuts, or beignets without the Breville Control Freak. This goes double for criss cut fries and tater tots. 

Big Machine, Delicate Heat Transference

As stated above, the Control Freak works quickly, but on occasion, speed kills. This is especially true when cooking temperature-volatile foods like sugar, eggs, and, perhaps most of all, chocolate. Luckily, the Control Freak doesn’t simply allow you to pick what temperatures to cook food at, but also lets you apply that specific temperature using three speeds: Slow, Medium, and Fast. After all, when it comes to cooking certain foods, a single degree can be the difference between delicious and devastating. 

This is especially true when it comes to melting chocolate. It’s why modern convention dictates melting it in a double boiler, that is, a bowl set over a pot of hot water. Using the Breville Control Freak, you can melt dark chocolate chips simply using a pan. After the bulk of the chocolate melts, turn down the heat and add some solid chocolate to cool the mixture down and get it to the perfect consistency. When chocolate is “in temper,” it will set up shiny and have a satisfying snap to it. Skipping all this fuss renders chocolate that sets up sticky and tacky, which makes for pretty paltry desserts. 

Medium speed is ideal anytime you're making anything with eggs, including custards, pudding, and ice cream bases. Many ice cream bases have you strain out mixtures after cooking, as even the most diligent cooks will overcook their eggs a little. I strained the first batch of vanilla ice cream I cooked on the Breville Control Freak, just to see if it was as precise with eggs as it was with chocolate. The only thing left in the strainer was a spent vanilla bean pod, without any trace or smell of overcooked egg, just a silky, thick pool of creaminess. 

Sous Vide and Searing

Immersion circulators are becoming as ubiquitous as food processors in kitchens nowadays.  By circulating water to maintain temperature, they cook food precisely. The Breville Control Freak also claims it has sous-vide capabilities. The only way to test this was to cook a New York Strip Steak bought in late August that was abandoned to the depths of my freezer. The cool thing about cooking sous vide cooking is that you don’t have to worry about thawing anything. 

I adjusted the temperature of a medium dutch oven filled with water to 130 degrees Fahrenheit. In went the bag with the frozen steak and a few seasonings. The water wasn’t circulating, so I wondered if this would make a difference in the finished product. The timer was set for two hours, and the rest was left up to the Control Freak. After the alarm sounded — which was so loud it could be heard in the other room — I plucked the bagged meat from the water. It looked quite similar to previously made sous-vide steaks: pretty dismal. The final step in most meat recipes cooked via sous vide is to apply a final blast of heat so the food is golden brown and tasty (instead of looking like something that spent the last couple of months submerged in  brackish waters). 

I set a trusty carbon steel pan on the cooktop and turned the dial up as high as it would go. While it was set to 492 degrees, the pan got as hot as 510 degrees before I placed the meat into the pan. It seared the steak to perfection in what had to be less than 20 seconds. After all, the meat was already cooked to medium-rare on the inside, so I didn't want to spend too much time with the final browning process. Within a minute, all sides of the meat were golden brown, and after turning the burner way, way down, it flambéed up a nice pan sauce. The results were stellar. Perfectly pink meat came out as well as if I cooked it  using an immersion circulator. Given the fact that the Control Freak provided the best sear ever, this device could replace an immersion circulator completely, at least as far as cooking steak is concerned. 

Breville Control Freak: One Year In

My time with the Breville Control Freak is about to reach its one-year anniversary. And many of the annoyances I had with it on day one are even more present now that I’ve had so much time with it. I use it primarily as my go-to stovetop when I shoot cooking videos and storing it is a bit of a pain. Even its carrying case takes up more real estate than I want to dedicate to it. For now, I store it slanted, inside the cabinets of a small kitchen island. I think if the Control Freak was about 20 percent smaller, I’d love it exponentially more than I do right now. 

That said, it’s still a godsend when it comes to frying and precision cooking. It seemingly heats up faster every time I use it, whether the cooking medium is butter, oil, or boiling water. For entertaining, it’s become an equal parts workhorse and conversation starter. Guests gather around it and watch me fry tempura or stir various kinds of cheese into fondue. One dinner party even saw the Control Freak fry three pounds of chicken thighs in as little as ten minutes. I replicated this on my gas stove and it took nearly three times as long. Still, despite its versatility, its size prevents it from being an everyday device, because my new home simply doesn’t have the counter space to accommodate it. I couldn’t fathom braving any dinner party without it, though. And as expected, I’m still a little bit miffed about the price I paid for this tank. 

Final Thoughts 

The Breville Control Freak does everything it says it can, and it does so astoundingly well. Despite its out-of-this-world precision, though, it’s still very hard to justify the price paid for it. I don’t (nor do I plan to) run a restaurant anytime soon. Most meals don’t require the sort of firepower and precision that the Breville Control Freak can deliver. In fact, it’s rare that this glorious device gets used more than a couple of times a week. Does that mean that I will soon return it for a full or partial discount? Don’t bet on it. The Breville PolyScience Control Freak is more than just an induction cooktop; it’s a secret weapon to create restaurant-quality food at home. But that doesn’t mean that there’s at least a faint twinge of regret in the recesses of my heart for dropping the massive amounts of cash on it.

Originally published on Futurism.