#also someone who has to nerve to start talking about the weather to me in line is automatically more interesting than someone doing some

[a-998h]

hi, I hope you don't mind that. I want make an order. I would like a cult! Sagau fatui harbingers (Pulchinela plantonic, the rest all romantic) for Fem! Creator with character of Nastya (from cartoon Anastasia 1997.) She has a brave, astro smart, kind, short-tempered character. The creator remembers almost nothing about herself, trying to remember her past and who she is. She also has love line with Dottore (and once sorry Y/n hit him hard on the cheek and he was shocked). As in the previous request, you can come up with a continuation of this story. (Pulchinela plantonic, the rest are romantic)

(The closest character I could find is Anya from this moive and I've not seen this movie, so don't judge me).

You're trip to Snezhnaya was coming to an end. The harbingers have kept you mostly inside the palace. Being very boared you plan your escape. Sneaking out at night would work in any other region, but Snezhnaya getting below freezing at night. Sneaking out could still wrok, but it's not a good idea. So, you waited until the harbingers were at a meeting so you could escape.

When you did mange to escape you explored the city. You explored as much as you could. Exploring lead you to the local shrine and statue of the Creator. You had gotten used to people comparing you to her. The freedom you felt was new. You've tried finding out who you are, for as long as you can remember. You're search took you to dead ends. You decide to start serching for answears again. You walk into a city libraryand start looking at the books. The serch leads you to a worn, old looking book. Pulling it off the self you start reading. It is talking about the Creator, and how great they were. It gets boring, untill it mentions the fact that the Creator supposedly died in Snezhnaya. You remeber a young man in Fontanie telling you there was an energy coming from you. Deciding this could be a lead, you plan to go to the spot where the Creator died. Following the route, it ends to a stone. This pissed you off. You had braved the wild winter weather for a stupid rock.

You punched the rock in anger, which then made you feel a tingle run through your body. Looking at the rock, it is now glowing green. The rock breaks open to reval a locket. Putting it on, you feel yourself being sucked into your mind.

In a black void, you see fragments coming together. As the fragments come together you see memories. They show someon who looks like you creating the mountains, animals, and many other things. You think you're having a cold induced delusion. This theory is ruined when you see the figure adress themselves with your name. In Teyvat, no one was allowed to name their child after the Creator, or any other gods. You breathing picks up, your heart beats so hard that your ribs might break. When you get out of your head, you stare at the locket. A beam of light shots out of it. Following the light, you run into monsters that make it their mission to try and kill you. It gets on your nerves so much that you decide to beat the monsters into the ground. When you get to where the locket wanted it's revealed to be another rock.

"Another rock... I think I've lost my mind," You tell yourself.

Getting close to rock, it has words written on it. You stared at the words and you could understand them. Thing is, you never really knew Teyvat's language. You needed others to read things for you, and that made you feel helpless. The rock said, here lays the soul of our god. It wasn't refering to the Tsarita because she was still alive. Touching the rock energy follows through you. It scaes you. Getting to your feet you hear a voice. Looking behind you, you see Dottore.

"I was looking everywhere for you," he scolds.

You had started getting a crush on him over the month. His features and intelligence drew you to him. You saw yourself married to him, if you ignore the human experiments. He drags you back to the palace nad after everything that's happened today, you were not in the mood for this. You yell at him to let you go, but he ignores you.

"Hey! Let me go!" You yell.

He continues to ignore your yelling. This pisses you off even more. You raise your hand, palm open, and full of rage. The next thing Dottore knows, you've slapped him right across the face. He looks at you in shock. There is a staring match between you two. You see how you left a large red mark on his cheek. You lead him inside and to the guest room you were staying in.

"Wait here," You tell him.

He waits for you to come back. When you do come back with an ice pack he smiles a bit. Putting the ice pack on his red cheek he can't help but smile. When he thinks his redness is gone, he leads you to the meeting room. You sit in the seat that has been chosen as yours. The harbingers stare at you, while even more obession than normal. Dottore takes his seat and looks at you.

"Turns out our guest is more than a королева look a like," He says.

There is an unseen tension in the air. Dottore pulls out a vital of your blood.

"When I took this sample, it was red now it is a glowing gold color," He explains. He expalins how he found you in the forest near the rock. Turns out the rock is the grave of the Creator. The relization that you're the Creator hits everyone hard. The harbinger starts worrying that they weren't respecting you enough and you starting panicing because you might have to quit dancing.

"Well, it seems the other archons have not been taking care of you," Pulcinella mutters under his breathe. Pierro stares you in the eyes.

"It seems you will be staying in Senzhnaya until further notice, " he tells you.

Their romantic antics and attention grabbing tactics increase. Even though he now knows you're a god, Pulcinella still treats you like the young lady he sees you as. Your crush on Dottore goes from one sided to mutual. He brags that he is your lover, even if you haven't even kissed yet. Scaramouche treats you a bit more respectful. They never made you stopped dancing, they think it would be to cruel. They try and help you regain knowledge and memories.

In the end, if they weren't obessed before they are now and they never plan on letting you go.

[angelsanarchy]

Glass Houses: Jack Thurlow x Y/N One-Shot Series PRT 32

Tagging: @roryculkinluvr@thatsthewrongwallcraig@icarus-star @cc-luvr @madamemaximoff06@shady-the-simp @quicksilversg1rl @s-0lar @kristennero-wallacewellsver@ophelialaufey @mayathepsychic1999 @x-prettyboy-x @rorylover71 @auggiethecreator @tempt-ress @blacksoul-27

Jack moves about the house with his fresh tapes for the tape recording that sent him into a spiraling psychotic break over a year ago. Now he's using it to record his own tapes. He realizes it seems stupid but he wanted to replace the wounds from the past with potentially new and more positive things he can reflect on in the future.

"So this is the first recording...obviously it's me...Jack...God I feel stupid." Jack shook his head and lit a cigarette trying to calm his nerves.

"Okay...so the house is almost completely finished. I debated on painting the outside of it but decided it wasn't really necessary. Once the weather is nicer, I might consider doing more landscaping." Jack shook his head feeling like an idiot.

"I also finished writing my first book. I found a local editor to look over it and I'm kind of nervous about it. Y/n has been helping me work through those anxious moments which is nice. I like having her around. Y/n is different than anyone I've ever known. She makes me feel like I'm not a complete psychopath. She gives me hope that someday I can live a normal, happy life with all the issues I have. I know that sounds cliche and all but she makes life easier." He smiled to himself thinking about all the times she's helped him.

"I recently suffered a relapse...I honestly thought that was going to be it. I thought if I could just get Y/n out of the house, I could sink back into the darkest corners of my brain and fester there alone. But she wouldn't let me. She stayed. She wasn't scared of me and she didn't hold it against me. She stayed and got me through it." Jack looked at the little smiley face she had put on his thumb with a pen the other night while they were standing in line at the grocery store. He knew it was silly but he made sure to be careful when washing his hands just to preserve the little face.

"I don't know that I've ever felt like this for someone. Cleo...she was kind of my first love. She was special and I had planned a whole life with her but I was never able to visualize it. I could never close my eyes and see us in the future together." Jack looked across the street and could see a light turn on in Y/n's house. He knew it was her mother's room. He also knew this was about the time she got up to stretch her legs around the house. She was getting a lot stronger. He liked the visits they had started having. He liked having dinner with Y/n and her mom. It felt like a family.

"When I think about what a future with Y/n would look like, I see us living in this house that I've made my own. Getting another dog for Ace to play with. Maybe even a cat, I know how much Y/n has talked about having a cat and a dog and I think that would be fun. Waking up in the morning to see her out the door to work, having dinners with her mom in the evening and helping her take care of her garden." Jack felt warmth in his belly when he pictured it.

"I've only just finished this book about the worst parts of my life and I already want to write another about what my life is now, what it could be with her. I want her to come home to me, this beautiful house and our pets who we obnoxxiously treat like our children." Jack rambled.

"Are you talking to yourself?" Jack startled and dropped the recording on the porch. His eyes went wide seeing Cleo standing just 10 feet away from him.

"C-cleo? W-what are you..." Jack stood up and she held her hand up warning him not to approach.

"So you just sit out here by yourself and talk about how wonderful your life is now that you've destroyed everyone else's? God I knew you were a narcist but I never pictured you this far gone." Cleo looked him over and watched as he itched at his arms.

"What? Are you on drugs or something? Out here getting high and ranting to yourself? God Jack, you really are-"

"I'm not on drugs...i've got scabs...they're healing." He turned his arm slightly and she could see the remains of his self harm from his last relapse.

"You tried to kill yourself?" She asked almost annoyed.

"A few times actually. I'm...adjusting to my mental illnesses and all that comes with them. I recently had a relapse..." Jack cleared his throat and Cleo nodded.

"That explains the voicemail I got. You should really remove my cellphone from your medical charts." She crossed her arms.

"I will make a note of that. Sorry for them bothering you." He apologized.

"What are you doing here? I mean I thought you were done with me? Your voicemail said-"

"I know what the voicemail said. I found a box I forgot to drop off and after some thoughts of burning it, I decided to listen to someone's advice about getting closure." Cleo grabbed the chair that sat next to the one Jack was in and drug it away from him.

"Wh-what kind of closure?" Jack asked nervously. He was unsure of what she wanted from him at this point but he was willing to give her whatever she needed to have closure. She deserved that.

"I want to know the whole story. I want to know what happened here a year ago. I want to know what you found and why you were locked up. I want to know why you hung up on me and abandon me when I needed you the most. Why you turned your back on our life together with out son." Cleo tried not to cry but she was letting angry tears roll down her cheeks. Jack sat down slowly in the chair opposite her and took a deep breath.

Jack sat there and recounted everything to Cleo. He told her about how his parents died in the car crash together, how he started having a slip from reality thinking his mother was still alive. The hallucinations that came with it and how he thought he was plotting her murder. He told her about the sexual abuse he suffered as a child. He told her about the articles in the attic he found and how he had completely forgotten about all of it. He tried not to cry while he recounted it but she actually put her hand on his knee to comfort him. He told her about what his dad did to his twin brother when they were just babies. They both cried at that point.

"I'm not telling you all of this as some sort of excuse. What I did to you and the baby was inexcusable. I just want you to know that I've never been more sorry in my life for anything. You were such an important part of my life and-" She stopped him.

"I know Jack. I know you're sorry and I forgive you. I'm so sorry you suffered so much as a child. No one deserves that kind of pain and suffering." She looked at him much softer now, like she did truly forgive him.

"You seem to be doing well now...even after the relapse." She commented looking him over.

"I've had a lot of help." He ran his hand through his hair and she nodded.

"So I heard. You seem to talk about a Y/n quite a lot in that recording. Who is she?" She asked without a hint of jealousy.

"She's actually my neighbors daughter...she's helped me through a lot of this." Jack explained and Cleo pointed at his face.

"You're in love with her." She smiled.

"How do you know that?" He asked curiously.

"Because you smile just thinking about her. You used to do that with me." She said softly. She didn't seem upset, she just seemed relieved.

"I'm sorry-" She cut him off.

"Jack, you don't have to be sorry. I'm glad I came here and talked to you. I have been so angry and bitter about you, I needed this." She reached into her pocket and pulled out a ring.

"I've met someone. He's brilliant and you would probably think he's a complete ass but-" It was his turn to cut her off.

"I'm sure he's great. You've always had good taste." He teased.

"I'm happy with him and I wanted to be able to let go of this...us...what we had so I could truly start a life with him." She explained.

"I'm happy you're happy. You deserve the world Clo." Jack nodded at her. She stood up from the chair and he followed her to her car. She handed him his box and stopped to look at him once more.

"Take care of yourself Jack." She touched his face and he sighed at the gesture. She got in her car and as he watched her drive away, he knew this would be the last time he would hear or see Cleo ever again.

He felt himself getting overwhelmed and noticed his heartbeat picking up. A panic attack was coming and he wasn't sure what to do. He hurried into the house with the box and tried to steady his breathing. His hands shook as he fought against the pull in his chest.

A storm was coming.

[kengan-daddies]

My Byzantine Romance: Ohma Tokita x (F) Reader

Chapter 1, Chapter2

MY BYZANTINE ROMANCE : OHMA TOKITA X (F) READER

Anime : Kengan Ashura

Pairing: Ohma Tokita x (F) Reader

Warnings: Mention of death, horror, Violence, Mental Heath, Toxic Parents

You were an average woman, living in the big world, the city was busy and as loud as usual. The peoples where hustling and bustling, going to and fro. It was cloudy, but it wasn't raining. A relaxing breeze in the air, the leaves slowly changing colors, matching the cooling weather. Men and women of all ages, all going to different places.

You walked along the crowd, your mind wondering yet focused as you just walked, a destination in mind yet also not. You were an average woman, nothing special stood out about you, you weren't pretty, you weren't ugly, your weren't smart, you weren't dumb, you weren't tall, you weren't short, you weren't strong, you weren't weak. You were just average.

Average everything, you lived with your family, never having enough money to own your own place, you just made enough to take care of your needs, your hobbies and to help your family with groceries and household products. You sighed as you stopped suddenly in the middle of the sidewalk, your mind processing before you shook your head and you continued on walking. 'Nope, got everything this time.'

You thought as you walked through the crowd, you passed by all kinds of people everyday, but nobody every really stood out that much, every now and then you'll see someone wearing your favorite anime as a shirt or hat, a favorite band or even have a similar aesthetic to yours. For a split second you'd think of walking over an talking to them about it, but then you'd loose your nerves. 'What fi they think I'm weird? What if they don't actually know the anime or band? What if they don't feel like talking? What if they're a bad person? A kidnapper? A murder? A rapist?... Never mind, I should keep to myself.'

You'd think, you wanted to make friends, but with how messed up the world was, you'd always second guess it. You were a scary cat, you'd rather stay inside then actually go out an adventure alone. You'd dream of going out, going to places at night, or to stores you never been in. You'd think of moving out, getting away from your toxic parents, you'd think of dating... but non of it would ever happen. You were too scared, too cautious, too aware of your reality.

'I need to get home, I'm ready to start on this new fanfiction, it looks good and I wanna read it. Not to mention I even found an amazing writer on Tumblr who has a pretty large masterlist. They write about my favorite character, he doesn't get enough love.' You thought, as you can see yourself now, laying in your bed, the room dark, the TV on low playing your favorite show/song in the back. You sighed blissfully.

"Woah!!" You said, as you came back into reality right before you ran into a person. You stared at them for a while. 'Man, this guy is huge.' You thought as you looked up at him. His skin was tan, and his hair was shaggy and wild, he wore a red and black jacket with blue jeans. "Sorry!!" You said with an awkward laugh and a little wave. He stared down at you, a strange fire in his fierce eyes before he seemed to relax. "It's fine." He said in a low voice. 'Wow, he's sexy with a sexy voice too?' You thought as you stepped around him with a small nod as you continued on your way. 'Man that guy was hot... Wonder what he would be like if he was my boyfriend....no,no,no... he probably already have a girlfriend, and knowing my luck he wouldn't even spare me a second glance.'

You thought in self pity as you walked on, slowly forgetting about your encounter with the man as you made your way on to your destination.

You sighed in happiness as you crawled into your bed, tossing your phone onto your pillow as you plopped down next to it, your aching legs tensing before relaxing. "HEHEHEHEHEEH!!!! I've been on my feet ALL DAY LONG!!!!" You giggled in glee as you pulled the blankets on you, snuggling into your cocoon. Your hand slipped up from the blanket to grab your phone, you turned it on, punched in the password, the screen lightening up to revealed your newly obtained fanfiction. "And it's 20 chapters long too? LETS GOOOO BABY!!!" You thought in glee as your began reading. 'Not to forget that it's a smut too? I must've hit the jackpot.' Was your last thought, before you got lost into your story.

5 hours later, you awoke up to your room was covered in a slightly orange hue, the TV was still on but nothing was playing, the sun was beginning to set. You sighed as you stretched before you went limp on the bed. Your sleepy mind slowly going back to sleep, but the sound of a large banging noise shook you awake. You laid there, still... BANG! BANG! BANG! You heard. Your lungs became tight and your body ran cold from slight fear. You seen the light come on from under your door, the sound of your family waking up and coming to the front to investigate.

You laid there, listening for a while to your parents and siblings complain about the crazy noise. "WHO THE HELL IS BEATING ON MY FUCKING DOOR LIKE THAT!?" Your mom shouted in anger and irritation. You could hear everyone speaking about it before the banging started again. BANG! BANG! BANG! "THIS BETTER BE THE FUCKING POLICE!! OR ELES I'M CALLING THE DAMN POLICE!!" Your father shouted as the sound of the front door unlocking and opening sounded out. You listened intensely, but everything went quite, the the sound of screaming and gun shots sounded throughout the house. You sat up quickly, your chest raising quickly as your breathing became labored, fear coursed through your cold body.

'Holy shit.....what the fuck..... why......I gotta go.' You mind thought, as you quickly reached for your phone, you tuned it on, checking your percentage. '55%... shit.' you thought. You looked at your door, seeing that it was locked. The sound of glass crashing to the ground made you jump, heavy furniture moving, small furniture being thrown carelessly. Every new noise made you jump as you shakily got up from your bed. You put on your sweat pants, before you shakily pulled on your hoodie, stuffing your phone and charger into your pockets. You walked over to the window, sliding the curtains to the side.

You looked out, checking your surroundings before you unlocked the window and you slowly slid it open. 'Never thought this shit would actually happen.' You thought, as you stepped on your bed, your body was so cold, but your mind was on auto pilot. You jumped up on the window seal, pushing your body up until you sat on the window seal. The sound of the robbers roaming about your home grew louder as they drew nearer to your room. You looked back at your room, one last time before you jumped out. You hissed in slight pain as you landed on the uneven dirt, but you forced yourself to move quickly. You reached back up to your window, sliding it back closed to the best of your ability, but you gave up half way when the sound of your doorknob began jiggling.

"Fuck it." You said as you made a mad dash for it. Your bare feet slapping on the ground as you ran down the street, you breath labored and your legs burned your lungs ached but you refused to stop until you made it to the park. 'If I make it to the park, I can blend in, and match the people.' You thought. Honestly, you probably could've just acted like a young woman walking past the house, but your adrenaline was pumping, your fear was guiding you.

You huffed and puffed, as you staggered over to the park bench, you plopped down on it, as you focused on your breathing. "Holy shit." You breathed out, you sat there a while longer before you began to chuckle to yourself, your laughter growing in volume as the people around you stared at you like you were crazy, but you didn't care. "I survived... I survived... I actually made it out... the one person in the family, who never been in any form of real life situation as extreme as that. The sheltered child of the family, the one who was 'lazy' and 'cuddled'.... actually survived.....all by myself... I'm actually alone now... no more annoying siblings... no more toxic parents... no more anything....everyone is dead... they're all gone... I'm the only one left... I'm the only one.... left." You said, your chuckling died down, as you were left sitting there, numb.

No emotions could explain how you felt, no words could describe how lost you felt, nothing mattered anymore, as you sat there, lost in the daze, as shock over came you. The people in the park, non the wiser of what you just experienced, of what you just went through. You felt small, you felt alone, as you sat there in the park, on the bench. You sat there for a long time, the crowd of people slowly getting smaller and smaller, as the area grew quiet, dark and empty... just like your home... You sat there for hours, you should've called the cops, you should've asked for help, but the adrenaline wore off, and the crushing weight of reality kicked in... making your mind go blank and empty.

Someone walked past you, their walking was confident, and strong, no worries, no insecurities, you looked up, your dull eyes seeing the familiar black and red jacket, the Tan skin and the shaggy hair. 'It's the man from before.' You thought, as you watched him walk past you, not giving you a second glance as he went on about his business, you stared at him for a moment. His back was straight, sharp, and strong. He didn't have any issues, he didn't have any weight, he was his own man. You stared at him, suddenly moved by his own confidence, as you reached into your pocket, and you pulled out your phone, unlocking it as you went and dialed 911.

"This is the local police department, what seems to be your emergency?" Asked the male operator... You sat there for a moment longer, watching the man walk into the dark, towards what seems to be a larger silhouette. "Hello, I'd like to report a murder robbery, sir." You spoke calmly. "Okay, and can you tell us where this took place at, ma'am?" He asked, not sounding as relaxed as he was at first. You gave them the address of your home as well as much information about the situation as you could. "6 family members. 2 sons, 2 daughters, a mother and father, all dead." You said. The operator was quiet for a moment before he spoke once more.

"How many robbers are in area?" He asked. "Not sure, but I'd say 4 to be safe." You said. He went quiet once more before he asked one last question. "Do you have any relations to this family?" He asked. You answered, without hesitation. "No, I never knew them, I just seen what happened, and I'm reporting it." You said, your eyes never leaving the two men's silhouettes as they seemed to be in an heated argument. The man spoke once more. "Your name, Miss, for records, and where is your current location?" He asked, a edge to his voice. You remained silent, as you hung up the phone.

You turned it on airplane mode, before you pocketed it. You stood up, pulling the hood over your head, making a move to follow the two men. You didn't know what made you want to follow. By right you shouldn't care, by right you should be grieving, you should be waiting for the cops to come find you, you should be a mess by now, you shouldn't be like this.... so numb.... So empathetic. But you were, and for some reason, you couldn't find it in you to be sad. In fact, you were starting to feel glee, happiness, joyous even.

"I'm free." You said, your feet feeling light, your shoulders not so heavy, your mind free. "I'm free to do whatever now... no more hiding behind my parents, who were oh so strict with my safety, keeping me chained home with their manipulative head games... no more getting told how much of a fuck up I am, just because I make one little mistake... no more... I'm free." You spoke, a smile stretching on your face, as you followed the men around the corner leading to the city. The sound of police sirens filled your ears, and you looked back, seeing swarms of cops getting out, as they searched the area for you.

You stared at them all for a second, before you waved them goodbye, as you walked around the corner. "I'm gonna need a job, I need a place to live, I need to make it out here... as a new person." You said as you followed the men for so long before you stopped, you watched as they dipped into an alleyway, before they were followed by a wry old man with a briefcase.... 'Hmm.'

[lackadaisicallizard]

The first time it happens is in the hallway outside James’ potions classroom. He’s leaning on the wall, waiting for Sirius to finish talking to Slughorn about some concoction he made that apparently ‘wasn’t the instructions’ and ‘caused a minor natural disaster’ when Regulus appears in front of him.

“I’d ask why you’re lurking around in hallways when everyone else is eating lunch, but I fear knowing that answer might make me an accomplice.” His eyebrows are raised.

James blinks at him. “Hello to you too, Regulus. Bold of you to ask me that question when you’re also ‘lurking around’ during lunch.”

“I actually need to talk to Professor Slughorn about something academic. Maybe you’ve heard the word before?”

James rolls his eyes and shakes his head, choosing not to respond and instead pulls a small tube of lip balm from his pocket, applying it to his lips that have been dry all day due to the increasingly cold weather. He notices Regulus looking at him with a small smirk. “What?”

“Nothing.”

“It’s strawberry flavoured.”

“Of course it is.”

“Do you have a problem with me wanting to keep my lips moisturised?”

“Why on earth would I have a problem with that?”

James throws his hands up. “Well I don’t know, but you’re very clearly judging me when I’m literally just standing in a cold hallway.”

Regulus huffs out a laugh. “I’m not judging you for your strawberry flavoured lip balm, Potter.”

“You are, though!”

“Well it appears I’ve touched a nerve here for some reason.”

“And I suppose your lips are always perfectly soft entirely of their own accord?” James mutters, sounding far too much like a petulant child than he has any right to.

Regulus is still smirking, a glint in his sharp, grey eyes. “Do you always get this riled up over beauty products?”

“I do when I’m being judged for no reason.”

“Again, I’m not judging you.”

“You haven’t even tried it.”

“What?”

“The lip balm. Maybe if you tried it you’d realise you don’t have to walk around with cracked lips because you’re afraid of a little ‘product’”

“I’m not afraid of the lip balm, Potter.”

“Sure sounds like it.”

“Are you always this annoying?” Regulus has dropped the smirk, but his tone still has a hint of humour in it.

“Pretty much, yes.”

“It’s all making sense now.”

James frowns. “What is?”

“The company my brother chooses to keep.”

“Coming from a boy with an aversion to strawberry flavoured lip-balm.”

“You’re sounding a bit like a broken record now.”

“I’m just saying, you have a lot of opinions for someone who hasn’t even tried it-”

“Fine, I’ll try your sodding lip balm.” Regulus says one second, and then the next second he steps in close to James, pulls him down to his level by his tie, and presses their lips together.

It turns out Regulus’ lips are naturally soft.

James finds that as he starts to lean into the entirely unexpected kiss, suddenly it’s over.

Regulus straightens back up and rubs his lips together. “Well I stand corrected, Potter. The lip balm isn’t half bad. Maybe I’ll start using it after all.”

Regulus is looking at him with a slight smile and James finds that he’s lost the ability to speak.

What the fuck just happened?

It’s then that Sirius emerges from the classroom. “So apparently I have detention, which is complete bullshit. We only had to evacuate the room for like ten minutes!” They stop as they see Regulus. “Oh hey, Reggie. What are you doing here?”

Sirius is the only one who can get away with calling Regulus Reggie. James has learned that the hard way.

“Oh it’s a bit cold and I needed to borrow some lip balm.”

Sirius screws up his face in confusion. “What, from me? I don’t have any right now.”

Regulus is smirking again. “That’s okay, Potter helped me out.”

Sirius looks from Regulus to James, taking in his best friend’s stunned expression with a frown. “Well that’s… good?”

Regulus looks at James. His stomach feels weird. “Yes,” Regulus says slowly, “it wasn’t bad at all.”

They maintain eye-contact for a moment. The weird feeling in his stomach is accompanied by a fluttering in his chest. He can’t explain either of them right now, especially with the sharp grey working to unravel James’ thoughts.

“Anyway, I’d better get to Professor Slughorn. He could probably use an intelligent conversation for once.”

Sirius scoffs. “And you think he’s going to get that from you? You’ve got some grand delusions, little brother.”

“Great comeback, Sirius. You really cut me there,” he deadpans.

“See you later, Reggie. Love you.”

Regulus shakes his head before moving towards the door. Sirius stops him with a sharp “Ah.”

Regulus sighs. “Love you too.”

Sirius grins and ruffles his hair as he walks past. Regulus mutters something about a hex before disappearing into the classroom.

Sirius turns to look at James. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad we’re on such good terms now, but fuck if he isn’t an annoying little shit.”

“Mhmm.” James’ brain is still whirring, unable to catch up with what happened not two minutes ago. Namely, the part where Regulus kissed him. It was a kiss, right? He isn’t missing some new social norm where sharing lip balm through mouth-to-mouth contact is totally expected, is he?

He’s pretty sure it’s not.

Later on that evening, in their dorm room, James turns to Peter, who’s leafing through a magazine. “Pete?”

“Mm?”

“Could I borrow some lip balm?”

Peter looks up from his page with a frown. “Don’t you have like, five different kinds?”

“I er- I lost them.”

He looks at James with clear suspicion but apparently decides not to push it, getting off his bed to rifle through his stuff, eventually pulling out a small tin of Vaseline and throwing it across the room onto James’ bed wordlessly.

“Thanks,” James says.

Now that’s a normal way to share lip balm. Not a single kiss in sight.

Regulus was definitely acting strange then. What James doesn’t know is why.

He also doesn’t know why he can’t stop thinking about it.

[lfc21]

Hii!! love ur fics ❤️ could you maybe write something where the reader is let’s say Trent or Ox’s sister or something, who also happens to be a football player, and she meets Darwin in one of his very first Anfield games. Maybe he’s lost or needs help in anything, I’ll let you decide that; but basically she helps him out in something and he tells her “hey i know you, you’re *player*’s sister and you also play, right?” and stuff yk and then he asks her out on a date later? Thanks!

A date?

TW: fluff

Summary: when you start your new job as a sky sports presenter the last thing you wanted was to fall head over heels for a Uruguayan striker.

"Y/n!" Trent shouted as he made his way back into the training rooms. You had just started your job in media for sky sports, which meant more football talk, more cold evenings standing at random stadiums and a whole lot more flirty footballers.

"Trent!" You shouted back in the same manner as you noticed your brother run back into the tunnel. You stood inside Anfield with yourself and Jamie Carragher as you waited for your queue to go outside. You still couldn't get used to the idea of having to spend way more time with your brother, as much as you loved him he did still seem to get on your nerves.

"You alright?" He asked with a smile as he swung his arm around your small shoulders. You pulled your face at the act of the already sweaty body attached to your side.

"Trent you are so sweaty" You explained trying to push your way from him without gagging. He simply laughed at your dramatics and went on his way into the changing room.

"Brother and sister love ey?" Jamie asked with a laugh as you simply shuck your head in annoyance at his question. You both got the heads up to go out onto the pitch. As you both wandered out you noticed a tall confused-looking man standing at the end of the tunnel. "Darwin!" Jamie called with a smile as he noticed the new uragyuan signing. His head snapped up at the announcement of his name.

"Jamie?" Darwin said as in a question as he wasn't completely sure if his brain was correct as to who it was in front of him. The striker had recognised the man from many champions league nights at Anfield and many interviews stood outside in the cold English weather.

"Are you alright? The lads have just come inside" Jamie pointed out as he pointed to the changing room where the lads were racing into. You stood silently next to the ex Liverpool player as you both tried to make sense of the strikers actions.

"Klopp told me to wait for him!" He said with a smile as he also started to make sense of his own doing. "I guess he has forgotten" He added with a laugh as his hand glided across his slick back bun.

"Y/n you wait with him for a second whilst I grab Klopp he is only down there" Jamie explained as he ran off to find the german manager standing on the pitch talking to his assistant manager. You nervously stood next to the man not knowing what words were best in this situation.

"So do you like it here?" You asked with a smile as you looked up at the 6-foot-2 player. You had never noticed how perfectly placed his eyes were and how his lips turned up into the warmest and most inviting smile. The feeling of butterflies was the only emotion taking over you right now. Every action of his own sent your legs into jelly and your mouth watering.

"Yes I do very much," He said back with a small giggle as he messed with the shin pads placed in his hands. His eyes were attached to you as if he was trying to make something clear in his mind. "Your Trent's sister right?" He quickly asked with relief as his mind finally clicked into place.

"Oh yes, I am," You said carefully, slightly taken back at his level of knowledge about you. "I work for sky sports now with Jamie" You added trying to stay clear of the point of being Trent Alexander Arnolds' sister. As much as you loved your brother being a footballer, you also loved the idea of making a name for yourself and not being someone's relative.

"Wow that's cool" He replied with those sparkling dark orbs. Your eyes were attached to his delicately sculpted face and his perfect sun-kissed glow.

"Darwin! Let's get you inside, your going to start tonight Bobby has picked up an injury" Klopp explained with hushed tones from the tunnel as he ushered the man inside. Klopp shot you a wide grin at the familiar sighting of you. "I have an interview with you after the game don't I?" Klopp added as he pushed open the changing room door for darwin.

"Yes! me and Jamie" You explained as your eyes where magnets to the large body going through the door. Darwin sent you a signature smirk as he passed through and you could of sworn your legs where about to buckle in. You had never seen the man in this light before but you couldn't help but want more from him.

-

As the minutes went by and you were sat hoping and waiting in the extra time your eyes yet again wandered over to the striker running for his dear life. You couldn't help but admire the way his hand came to his forehead pushing away the beads of sweat which ran down his face and the way he shouted to his teammates for the ball. He was adapting so quickly and as were you, you were adapting to his appearance more and more. You urged him to speak to him again. The final whistle blew and the sound of the Kop was the one thing to be heard. You jumped up out of your seats in the media room with glee as the celebrations were among you. Darwin had managed a hattrick causing a wave of proud emotions to come through your body.

-

As soon as you arrived on the pitch to interview some of the chosen players your eyes immediately met Darwins. He was standing answering a million and one questions from someone until his eyes captured yours, he shot you a cheeky wink before continuing with his interview.

"I think someone fancies you" Jamie pointed out as he nudged your arm with a laugh. You rolled your eyes at the man beside you as you moved your head away quickly to avoid any attention on your blushing cheeks.

"Oh shut up its just cocky footballers" You explained with a laugh as you lied straight through your teeth. Jamie knew you were lying yet the idea of him broadcasting it across the world whilst the man in question and your brother were around didn't seem to appealing. As you shuck the words that Jamie said off of you, you noticed the familiar man walking towards you, clearly finished with the press.

"Have you got a second?" Darwin asked you as he stood next to Jamie opposite you.

"Actually I am supposed to do an inte-"

"She has more than a second" Jamie said cutting you off and pushing you towards the man. You gave him a stern look before following Darwin down the tunnel. You could have killed Jamie at that very moment but you were also thankful. Your nerves were the one thing that was going to stop you in this whole situation.

"Is everything ok?" You softly asked as he took you both to one side.

"Yeah, everything is great actually" He started with his sweet Uragyuan accent running through your ears. "I was just wondering if you wanted to go out with me tonight. you know for some drinks?" He asked with a soft smile and sparkly eyes. Your heart stopped in your body at his ask, you thought the idea of equal attraction was far from the truth but it was not.

"I finish work late" You started as you watched his face turn low and his expression becomes somewhat of a sour view. "So it would have to be a late drink, around nine?" You added with a smile as you watched his face light up at the added news and question. You hoped this was the start of something so much more, rather than just a cocky footballer. You were thanking God for your brothers' great football skills and your skills at being an incredible media member.

Hey guys 👋🏻 I know this isn't exactly the request but I thought this could be a nicer idea 😄 I hope you still enjoyed this piece 😊 please leave feedback and requests 👏 have a great day 🥰 2022 masterlist ❤️ 2023 masterlist ❤️

@prettylittletrent @cornertakenquicklyyyy @trentalexanderarnold @robbo38 @robbothegoat @kostasstsimikass @chelseamount @chloereddy @tsimikasfamily @avenirdelight @blueathens @jordanhendersunshine @mrs-henderson @thatonesexycancerian @hendersons1truelover @nyctophilic0vitnir @peekapeaches @tsimikxs @tsimikostas @trentalexarnofan @leddows @moneymasnn @superkittywonderland @virgilvansike @virgilvandickmedown @hopefulromantic1 @robbo-trent-fanfiction26

[remyfire]

It is I, the anon from a couple weeks ago, and I return having watched War of Nerves. You were correct, and I loved it! It just made me want to wrap Sidney up in a blanket and give him the love I know he deserves. Also when he starts stripping around their massive camp fire? Beautiful. Exquisite. Quite literally took my breath away. Additionally, though I may be a few days late, I also just watched Merchant of Korea, and happy (late) birthday! Truly that episode was also top tier and I'm sooooo normal about everyone in their hot weather clothes. A+ to the costuming department for that episode honestly. Thank you for giving me those episodes to look out for!

Hello hello hello!! I thought about you the other day and hoped you were doing well :D Good to hear you've been enjoying your travel through the series!

Unsurprisingly to anyone here, War of Nerves will always destroy me, augh. The way that this psychiatrist who was literally being shelled in a foxhole less than an hour ago immediately takes up the call to take care of everybody else rather than actually have a quiet recovery in camp? First of all, Sherm, I am boxing you. Second of all, Sidney, I am begging you to please just let yourself lay down and cry and be held. Ruins me. Absolutely ruins me.

Also can I say that I've read my friend Canon's sidhawk fic so many times that I always interlay their coda into it—a moment where Mulcahy removes his cardigan and puts it around Sidney's shoulders—and every time I watch it, I'm so confused why he's not in it, hello, this is real, I saw it in the scriptures? hkfdsf

THANK YOU, I had a wonderful birthday!! :D I love that Merchant teaches us one indelible fact, which is that everyone in the 4077th gets horny about poker and they especially get horny about hustling someone. This is not the point of the episode, I know, but it's very important to me. Once they figured out the climactic moment of the episode, they were practically having group sex at that table without ever touching each other or themselves (possibly I should not answer asks at 8am before my caffeine has kicked in but I trust everyone to understand that I must speak my truth). Anyway, god bless the sweaty episodes, thank you to Beej for inventing sweating and bringing sweaty episodes with your arrival.

Ough, you've got some good ones ahead of you. Your Hit Parade is one of my favorite chill, nothing-is-really-happening type of episodes and Temporary Duty is just super fucking fun for me with the angle that it takes. I won't even start talking about S7 yet but it has some AMAZING bangers. I hope you continue to enjoy the series!! :D

[bumblebeerror]

My teeth hurt sometimes, just. In general. They’ve done this a while now, mostly when the weather changes. It starts in my jaw and creeps up my teeth until I can’t chew very well because I don’t want to move my jaw or put pressure on my teeth. It also means sleeping’s difficult, and just. Most things weirdly become a lot more difficult when you don’t want to chew. My jaw’s been like this for a week or so now? I think. I mostly don’t notice it starting until sleeping gets harder.

Anyway, all that to say it’s been a Rough day when it comes to my body and brain working correctly. I woke up when I usually do, took my adhd meds, and then fell asleep for another three hours. I streamed today after talking with some friends, and about a hour after my two hour stream, I just hit a wall. I’m already tired enough to go back to sleep now. Everything is shaky and tender and it’s… such a slap in the face. Sometimes.

Especially because I don’t register pain like this. It doesn’t occur to my brain to interpret it that way. I get tired, I feel pressure more sharply, but I don’t feel pain unless I stop to check in. So if you asked me today what I was feeling… I’d tell you Im tired. I’d tell you I feel shaky and maybe kind of feverish, that my legs dont want to work at any faster pace. I’d tell you my body feels weak and that my neck and head ache, because that’s about the only pain on me that’s sharp, that changes, that waxes and wanes.

And at some point today I finally registered that I was feeling pain. That my hands are shaking because every nerve in them is sending a constant signal. My arms feel heavy and my legs feel wobbly and my joints feel unstable because every nerve is sending a message I can’t read. Its kind of funny, in a way - if I stop focusing on reading that message as pain, it stops registering that way again. Like Francis Freeman, the villian in the first Deadpool movie? One of his powers is not feeling pain.

I’m not sure what my point here really is? I don’t share often, and I don’t enjoy being pitied. I don’t want to feel like someone who needs saving. Your princess is in another castle, all that. I just wanted it written. I keep hitting dead ends and my pcp doesn’t know how to help me. I can’t get disability and I can’t work enough to support myself, so I don’t have much of s choice on whether I stay with my mum - and she can’t afford to pay for my car. And I can feel my body degrading, even if I don’t look at the hours I used to be capable of. I used to work nearly 40hrs a week closing s daycare, keeping up with kids and cleaning the place. Then 25, cleaning a clinic. Now I work 8 cleaning an office, and can’t afford gas to get there. I won’t lie, if I let myself think about it too long, it gets frightening.

I don’t know. I hate dwelling on things I can’t fix, and I loathe feeling sorry for myself. If I can’t make a joke about it, I don’t want to deal with it. But a part of me also doesn’t want what’s happening to me to be forgotten. A part of me wants a record. A part of me wants to be convinced that I’m not… insane? That I’m not faking it, somehow, that I’m actually in pain that I can’t feel anymore. That other people don’t feel this way all the time. That what people told me as a kid, dismissed, that it’s wrong. That they didn’t know I was feeling something bad.

I wish school had taught us practical things. Like how much pain the average non-ill person is every day (none). To this day I still pose questions about it to one of my friends who has an old shoulder injury but no widespread issues like this, just to check.

Ive rambled enough, I think. I’m gonna shower and sleep. Have a good timezone, if you decided to read all that for some reason.

[jodilin65]

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 28, 1998 The cat’s now in the window trying to get me to go out and chase him off as he likes me to do cuz I don’t appreciate being stared down. Not even by a cat. However, this time I’m not gonna give this damn cat the satisfaction of a chase.

Animals can sometimes be distracting when you’re trying to write, but just think of how much more of a distraction it’d be if I had had a kid. Cuz then we’re not talking about just chewing sounds or sounds of movements from rodents or cats smacking walls and doors, we’re talking about having to get up every other minute to feed it, change it, do this for it, do that for it. Once they get to where they can walk and talk, they always want to show you this and have you come see that and ask a million questions.

That’s the second weekend stereo I’ve heard since 9:00. Yes, it’s that time again and when I go to bed next, which will be around the freeloader’s peak time, it’ll be stressful. You just never know what to expect on weekends and this freeloader is so unpredictable. I mean, he is and he isn’t. I know he’ll be a problem again, I just don’t know when. He could give me 2-3 weeks of no music, then out of the blue, up he starts again with his shit. Since it’s been quiet that I know of, does this mean they still don’t know I haven’t been served? Cuz I figured that it’s when they realize they aren’t gonna get me into court and don’t feel like wasting their time trying anymore, is when they’re gonna pitch a fit.

As almost always, the barometer has risen and the clouds have cleared and the weather’s to be great, just in time for the weekend.

I hate holidays and Saturdays and Sundays from 1 PM - 8 PM. I wish it was Sunday evening now. No, I wish it was Monday morning this time around, cuz then we’ll be off shopping!

At least I don’t feel like one of God’s extras cast into this world as much anymore. One who just sits on the sidelines and watches others live their lives but doesn’t get to participate in life herself. I mean, sometimes I still feel like the purposes I currently have in life are all that’s ever gonna be. Nothing more in the future, except to move. I’m sure I’m right, too, that I’ve peaked and lived my life and can’t do/have much more than I already have, but it doesn’t get to me the way it used to. Guess I’m just used to it and the idea of it. Nonetheless, living for Tom, my animals, to move, and to enjoy my hobbies, beats living for an income barely suitable for a rat, no life, and all kinds of problems with people.

I really appreciated Evie’s email and her generous offers and her understanding. She said she likes me a lot and doesn’t want me doing anything that’d make me uncomfortable, but maybe in April, we can get together. She also said to let her know if I want a ride anywhere or if I need anything when I have my teeth done. Now that I’ve already got someone who drives and who’s supportive of me and who takes care of me here at home, these people crawl out of the woodwork to offer help, but before, I had no one. Anyone who I could get an occasional ride considered me a burden for bumming a “free” ride from them. Well, friends aren’t supposed to “charge” friends with favors. Friendship is supposed to be enough. I mean, Andy gets on my nerves with the favors he wants to be done at times, but I still do it cuz he is a friend. I may bitch about it, but I try to be there for him whenever possible.

I still want to know what Evie’s sudden interest in me is. I know she doesn’t get a kick out of my sterility and therefore wants to rub her kids in my face. She’s not like that, but some people would be sick enough to do that. There are some people who lack sensitivity to things they have never had to endure. So, I think she may feel sorry for me and it’s too bad if she does, cuz I don’t need no one’s pity. In fact, I’d really like to get together not just cuz she seems so nice, but if anything, it’ll help me. Watching what mothers go through with their screaming, destructive kids always makes me appreciate my sterility more and not take it for granted. I then see it more as a gift, than a punishment.

Anyway, Tom’s side of the family is great, as diverse as it is. There are some Hispanic and black people and there are different religions. Some think that Satan sleeps under their pillows, some don’t, some are rich, some average, and some poor. Although Margaret, Ma’s sister, is the only crazy one that I know of, my grandniece Jennifer is the only one who’s half black, and Marie, Bobby’s wife, is the only Mexican one that I know of. I wish Mom would quit being such a little user, though!

I just went outside and took the bar down that goes across one of the back room windows. It was originally put up for the birds, but now the cats love to pounce on it and jolt half the house and startle me.

Later…

I wonder when Tom will be up. Believe it or not, I’m not looking forward to our weekend sex. It just isn’t in me anymore, but it’s better than being the little nympho I used to be. I guess I’m just conditioned now to this part-time sexual relationship. At least I have him full-time, though. Well, when he isn’t taking care of someone else’s car or house I do. Anyway, at least I can fake an orgasm, whereas guys can’t. Although I don’t wish to be dishonest in that way. It’s just that he told me it matters to him. I never thought it did. I always thought cumming didn’t matter to him, be it with him or with me. In fact, he’s made references to his preferring not to cum, and never any about whether or not I came, so I just assumed it didn’t matter with me one way or the other.

However, there won’t be no weekend sex next weekend. That’s when I’m mid-cycle, so he’d probably be too scared to cum, and God wouldn’t allow us to get together more than likely, cuz he’s gotta act like I’m this perfectly fertile thing whose time for motherhood just hasn’t come yet.

I’m doing the laundry that never dries right now. The washer’s fine, except for huge things like comforters, but the dryer sucks. It takes forever for just a few light pieces of clothing to dry.

Later…

Tom’s still not up. He must’ve stayed up very late yesterday, although, on the weekend, he does try to be on a day schedule. He has to work today too, as he does the last Saturday of every month. He’s scheduled for vacation in April, as well as either September or October. I forgot which one. He mentioned us going to SeaWorld in California in April. Sounds great! Hopefully, nothing will come up to stop us from going, but if it does, that’s life, I guess. And I already got to California, even if it was to just drive past the border and cruise around nothing but empty desert for a while.

Anyway, another thing that baffles me about Bob is why he’s still in jail. Don’t these people always get out before most of their sentence is up? I think he mentioned something about parole in 2006, but his 1994 sentence was for 10-14 years.

What is it with me having to shit when at the computer? Every time I’m in the middle of typing is when I have to take a dump. Well, when I’m constipated, I’ll keep that in mind and type like hell.

As shitting and typing go together (at least for me they do) so do GPs and their dramatics. Gotta run like hell most of the time when people walk by them and act all afraid, but what they really want is attention. Well, it’s hard not to notice them dart right by you, that’s for sure.

I’ve still been concentrating on stomach and thigh exercises daily, but it’s still too soon to know what’s going on with the weight. By the middle of next week, I should know if I’ve finally got a shot at losing the weight, or if something up there still wants me to be the porker that I am.

I think right now, though, I’ll go put on a pot of my decaf coffee, add a pinch of cinnamon, and then go plop myself down in the recliner with my last library book. Maybe we’ll go to the library on Monday, as well as to Wal-Mart.

Later…

I am almost done with my book. I am trying to read it slowly since I won’t be getting any more books for at least a few days.

I think I’ll start my weekly letters sometime soon. For now…I hope Andy comes over quietly since I’ll be asleep, to get Laura’s $40 I’ll be leaving in between the front doors for him and to leave me the journals he has for me. I don’t know what his obsession is with turning visits and picking things up at people’s houses into such a big deal. He’s always got to make it such an ordeal for himself and put off and delay and just be a general nuisance.

I asked Andy if the journals he got me were wire-bound. Nope. Too bad.

Later…

I just thinned out the sawdust that was in the middle-size Play City cage, which is my least favorite cage of theirs. It’s got a weird layout. I thinned it out, though, cuz some little devil keeps pushing some sawdust out through the hole that the wheel that goes with that cage hooks into, onto my table below it.

A few of the mice are still up, but they’ll be going to bed soon. The cats have finally settled down out there. God, why do you send me the things I don’t want? I don’t need all these cats, God, so can you take these 3 cats, plus the millions more to come, then give me one child? Just one? No, of course not, and no, the cats haven’t settled down since White Feet just jumped up in the window. Is that a sign from God? One saying he wants me caring for animals and not a child? I wouldn’t be surprised if it was.

A part of me is tempted to move my computer into one of the bedrooms so I can concentrate better, but nah. It’s not worth the hassle and it’s no problem when I’m on days. See, there are advantages to both nights and days. The animals are asleep in the daytime and things are open, but then there’s noise from dogs, people, etc. At night, the animals are rowdy, but I’m pretty much free from next door’s shit. Until they have a dog barking in spurts again in the wee hours of the morning, anyway.

Later…

The freeloader has made his first of his many trips in and out early today. It just left, still without music. So, he’ll come and go again at around 11:00, then early afternoon, then late afternoon, then early evening. I think they’re drug runs he’s making. I just don’t know if it’s to buy or to sell. I’m sure they’re users, though, and that bitch’s bone-thinness is drug-induced.

Tom and I had a pleasant morning, but a half-hour ago he left for work. He’ll be back around when I crash between noon-2:00.

We didn’t have much time for screwing this morning, but we had a nice chat as we cuddled in bed.

He told me quite a few things about his mom that he’s just learning. Some of them he knew, some of them he just learned since the doctors are now saying she only has a year left to live, and these things are pretty horrible.

Ma’s life was no joyride, that’s for sure. In fact, she really had it rough all the way till the kids were pretty much grown. In the first part of her marriage, they lived in a trailer with no water or bathroom, and had to go down the street to go to the bathroom. Yuck! And that was considered a step up from being abandoned as a child. Apparently, her folks were just so poor, that she and one of the other kids were sent to some camp. The camp was an OK place. Then when it was time to go home, the parents had moved. So the state made them take them back, but then Ma’s ma died of cancer in her 30s. Then she had stepparents who were violent towards each other, drunk a lot, and ignored the kids, too.

Tom said that even though she went through all those horrible things, she never blamed it on God or felt she had “lived her life.” Well, I do believe there’s both a good and an evil force out there and it’s not that I feel I’ve peaked and lived my life in all ways. I know we’ll move someday and that I’ll have/do new things. I’m just saying I’ll never have a child. I wish I could feel that bad things happen just because and not feel that there’s a God or a devil to blame, but I do. And I wish I could work on my anger and patience problems, but sometimes it’s easy to look at such a wonderful person like Ma and say how I wish I could be like her in some traits, but then a whole different story to actually be like her and have some of her characteristics.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 27, 1998 Another weekend has just about arrived with these freeloaders as neighbors. Again, though, all’s been quiet. And at the same time, I love not knowing that they exist, I also know it’s just a matter of time before they make a ruckus again. But hopefully, I’m right about my now believing there is a chance they can hear me making late-night noise following their noise and that they don’t want to be bothered or awoken at night, so they shut up when they hear me. And I most certainly will make a lot of noise at night, should they give me their music, hours of bouncing balls, or anything that intrudes upon my peace/concentration/nerves.

I wish it could always be this way - no excessive door slamming, no dog, no music, but I know that’s just a dream. He could be coming in for lunch again lately with music, but if he is, I wouldn’t know it cuz I’ve been asleep around lunchtime. I also couldn’t say how he’s coming in after work, either.

I wonder, though, are they ever gonna break the fuck up? Or are they bound by an addiction to be together forever? Since the dog arrived right around when he returned with the boy, unless the boy’s always been there and I didn’t know it, the dog may have also been a gift for the bitch to let him back in, too, besides to torture me with for going off on them and just because they knew it would bother me.

Anyway, Tom and I discussed going over to his ma’s on Monday, the day we’ll be going to the store, to see her, Neva and Peggy, but now Tom says he hopes I don’t want to go. He says they’re loud and all that, so fine, we don’t have to go. I only care to see just Mom anyway, since I don’t even know Neva and Peggy.

Got an email from Evie and through her indirect, but to the point enough, bitching about the never-ending demands of motherhood, I realize once again just how gifted I may be, rather than cursed. I would be far from upset, although scared if I found out this second I was pregnant, but again, is it worth crying over the fact that the doctors won’t be able to help me conceive?

Anyway, she wants to know if she and the kids can come visit in March. I asked Tom what he thought after we both wondered aloud what the sudden interest was. I hope she doesn’t feel sorry for me since I mentioned I can’t have kids. Anyway, Tom reminded me that March is teeth month. I told her I’ll have to go weekly in March, then it’ll drop down to monthly for probably 18 months. Also, we’ll get together at a later date, but I don’t know when.

I don’t mind her coming over at all, it’s just that you know how it is for me with people breaking things whenever someone visits. Andy’s been fine lately, but who knows how he’d be if he came over as much as he used to? I don’t want to just come out and demand she hold those kids down while she visits, but they worry me. As I told her, this house isn’t baby-proof and not as safe. I can’t afford to have two kids trashing things in here. Neither of us needs that. That’s another burden I’d have had to have gone through if we had had a kid - elevating everything up out of its reach. Now Evie doesn’t strike me as your typical mom who’s irresponsible and who doesn’t give a shit. I think she’d be kind enough to watch her kids, but it’s hard and I understand this. Marla’s a lot like her and yet I had to be the one to keep her youngest kid from ransacking this place. And from killing the animals. The idea of it reminds me of Ashley, Kara’s kid at the Vista. As soon as she released that thing from her grip on her lap, off it was to destroy things.

It’s pretty light out there now and not as cold as it had been. I don’t know if it’s gonna rain or not, but the sky’s nothing but clouds. That’s why it’s light out and things are illuminated well enough for even someone like me to see who’s a bit night blind.

The older couple out back, one of whose name is Gloria and who came to our tag sale, must be insomniacs. Every time I’m up throughout the night, I see what I believe is their bathroom light every hour or two.

Later…

I’m really looking forward to getting this weekend done and over with and going shopping. If I could make it Monday morning at the snap of my fingers, I would.

I still can’t believe that freeloader hasn’t tried to have me re-served and I can’t believe there hasn’t been noise daily for more than a few minutes. You mean to tell me I did something that I actually got away with? It seems unbelievable! I’m not stupid, though, I knew that if I didn’t have to deal with the hassles of court, even though it wouldn’t have done them any good, or if they didn’t make a scene in a big way every day (not that I wouldn’t kill them for it), that God would pay me back. He’d see to it that I got my punishment for that bottle toss, although I think sterilizing any woman is more than a lifelong punishment for anything she could ever do wrong in her life. In fact, the punishment of sterility could never fit any crime committed by me. Maybe someone else, but not me.

It is a bit of a consoling thought to know that that’d cost a lot of money for him to run the car and its stereo for several minutes every day in time. There have been a few times where he did weeding, ball playing, or just sat there for the hell of it with it blaring for more than a few seconds, but still, I thank God this hasn’t seemed to be something he finds worth the cost so far. Trust me, though, if it gets worth the cost to him, he won’t have a stereo left to blast. I’m surprised I haven’t heard music regularly from their house, but then again I’m not. They really only make these super bassy stereos for cars. The idea is for the lonely, desperate wanna-be-heard people of this sick world, is to cruise through many streets with it. So, since the basic idea for such inhumane bass levels is to get attention, you can only get a handful of house’s attention in a house. In a car, you can get hundreds. And the attention of other motorists.

Later…

Oh, brother! Andy’s lonely, so he wants to talk. God! Send him a boyfriend, please?! I knew it’d be a matter of time when he’d be up to his same old phone shit. We just talked and exchanged messages last night, but he’s all bummed out cuz he couldn’t get sex from that sick fuck Quinn.

He’s ready to get Laura’s rent money and God, I hope to hell this isn’t a monthly thing! I’m gonna tell him to just leave the journals he got for me in the door and I’ll leave the money out, too, cuz I’m not gonna play phone several times a day for 3 days prior to his visit that he’s 4 hours late for. So rather than try to change his ways, we’ll just do it this way for a while, and that way he won’t feel pressured. Meanwhile, I’m not gonna be put out of my way by an irresponsible druggie.

Guess it’s time to stop feeding these stray cats again. They’re really getting on my nerves and taking advantage of my hospitality once again. Therefore, if I don't give them anything for a few days, maybe they’ll put two and two together and realize that their racket and pushiness means no food.

Later…

I just went out and sort of made Bunny come in. He prefers it outside at this time of year, but I just thought I’d let him and Velvet visit. Oh my God, though! I can’t believe the change in Bunny. He always took care of and was friendly to Piggy and Spunky and loved to clean them, but not with this one. Every time Velvet would get near him, he’d lunge at him and Velvet was screaming, so I threw Bunny back out. I guess the cats taught him that by the way he and they play tag a lot. Well, he’s gonna have to stay an outdoor rabbit then and he’ll have to find a way to survive the heat of the summer. Everyone’s dogs do it, so he should be OK, too.

Jesus Christ! It sounds like a distant kennel out there and it’s just after 3:00 in the morning. I can hear at least 4 different dogs. Does anyone care about their dogs or their neighbors anymore?

Tom was really pissed about how they fucked up on fixing the oil leak in Ma’s car. I don’t blame him, either. Shit, though, we have two cars and two houses! We don’t need this shit. We need to move and live our own lives.

Andy, who had to leave the maximum amount of time permitted for each message as always, told me he had a dream involving my parents. He said he was at their place, and they were assembling stuff to send to me. He asked what the occasion was for them to be sending me stuff since it wasn’t my birthday or anything like that. Then he said they were throwing in some ugly journals and he told them I don’t want them anymore, cuz I’ll be making my own. Then he said they were putting in other stuff that he said I’d like, but can’t remember what the stuff was.

Later…

I am thoroughly confused the more I think of Bob’s case. Tom and I were talking yesterday about how statutory rape means you had sex with someone underage and it’s a crime even if they were willing, which is what we thought Bob was charged with.

However, I just went and checked the old article I have and although you can’t always buy what the papers say, he was charged with statutory rape, forcible rape, and distributing alcohol to minors.

The distributing alcohol, I can see him being dumb enough to do. I can also see him screwing around with a teenager, but only an older one. Not a 12-year-old one and certainly not forcing sex on anyone. It just isn’t Bob P. It’s not the old fart’s style and he’s just too much of a wimp to force anyone to do anything.

Well, no one will ever really know what happened, other than the people who were there.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 26, 1998 Velvet’s adjusting pretty well. He stands still and lets me pick him up now, rather than running away. He loves to burrow under my neck/hair when I take him out.

I should’ve known better, too, that just cuz I can digest dairy easier, doesn’t mean God’s suddenly gonna change his mind about controlling my body. I’m back up to 128 pounds, but I’ve been sticking to the diet like I’m supposed to. God just isn’t gonna let me be thin again, that’s for sure. Not if I’m gonna be able to breathe better, he’s not.

The thing I hate about God, or whatever this outer source is, is that I’m powerless to stop whatever it is. This isn’t some other human being that I can reach out and wring their neck. This is some force that’s got me at its own mercy and whatever it says, is how it goes. I just wish it’d go pick on someone else and go control their lives/body for a change and leave me the fuck alone and give me the freedom to choose my own path and my own destiny in this life. It should be my right to be able to be thin. It should be my right to have a child. Nobody, not no God, not no person, should have the control/right to tell me how to live my life. And I know this weight thing is just because God wants me to be fat, and not cuz of a medical problem. Even if I did have a medical problem, he’d never let it be detected by a nurse/doctor. He wouldn’t want it discovered cuz he wouldn’t want me to deal with it and fix it. He’d want it to keep on controlling me.

When I look for things to say I’m wrong about my fear that Tom doesn’t want a kid, I realize this - he’d never leave like most men do if we had a kid. I just know this. He’s the responsible type, who’s practical and logical. He wouldn’t ever want to give the baby mice to the cats cuz of how it’d play on his conscience, so maybe his devotion to getting rid of the mice in the responsible way we did, is a sign that I’m wrong about him. I sure hope so!

Mary and Dave got a small, black cocker spaniel the other day from the HS.

I tackled the cleaning in here and got that out of the way. Did some singing, too. Now I think I’ll go do some reading.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 25, 1998 OK, here’s what we “say” we’re gonna do, but if we can really do it without making excuses or chickening out, remains to be seen, not to mention the curve balls God will throw at us, or the things he may do to block us entirely.

Within the next 3 weeks, he’s gonna set us up with the right doctors and make an appointment for himself. Then, I’ll make an appointment for me. If all is OK with us both, then we’ll set up an appointment with the fertility people.

He still knows in his mind that a child is gonna happen. I know differently, but at least I can finally deal with my emotional state by having a doctor tell me there’s nothing they can do. That way I’ll know I didn’t make excuses or chicken out and that I went and found out what the scoop was that’s caused my sterility. Then, I can hopefully move on with this sort of closure.

I wish I knew he could be right about it happening anyway, no matter what, and I also wish I knew I could be right about his mother. He wonders if her having her sister Neva and Neva’s daughter Peggy visit, is due to her feeling she hasn’t got much time left. Well, I can see God feeling she’s done her time and with her gone, people wouldn’t have to worry so much or have as much to do (till it was replaced with new stuff to do), but she’s such a sweet lady. She’ll be missed and it’ll be sad to see her go whenever she does go. It’s too bad I didn’t have the 25 years or so to have known her and dad like Nora has.

Later…

I’m down a pound or two and Tom says it really does work - the Slim-Fast diet I’m on. It’s an easy plan too, and I know it works, but the question still is - will God let it work for me?

Anyway, I’m gonna go relax with my decaf coffee which I’ve been having plenty of, and maybe do some reading, too.

I sang earlier and it was a complete compensation for the night before as I knew it would be. Last night I sang great. It was crystal clear and all was fine, but tonight my typical trade-in for not smoking allergy nose that’s 10 times worse since I quit smoking, was in the way. God, either give me the voice to sing with and leave it alone and let me use it or just forget it! I feel like I’m being teased with this gift and like something up there wants me to pay for using this voice. It’s like it’s teasing me with it, allowing me to use it, but only with a price to pay. Can’t I ever have something for nothing? I don’t care how much of a cheap Jew or a cheap person that sounds like, either. It’s just that I’m so sick of having to work for this and pay for that. I just wish God would bless me with something where there were no strings attached for once.

Later…

I won’t write much now, cuz I’m frying up some chicken for me and the cats.

Anyway, the Lactaid still helps me to digest dairy without gas, cramps and bloating, so that’s good. I’m down from 128 to 125. I’m shocked and pleased, but still not willing to get my hopes up. I seem to have mustered up the will to stick to the diet plan, but now, I have to wait and see if God will let me do this.

Later…

Got a message from my folks saying congratulations for not smoking - they’re proud of me.

Gotta get Tom up soon. I guess he goes in at 11:30 tonight. He’s hoping to find a job within the bank that’ll give him set hours instead of having to go in at 7:30 one night, midnight the next, then 1:30, then 11:30.

I am now perfectly content with sex once a week, which is basically all our busyness/schedules will allow us to have.

I’m not looking forward to this weekend since they were quiet last weekend. I figure they’re gonna make up for quiet time sooner or later and I just hope to hell this weekend isn’t it cuz I’ll be asleep during the daytime. Or for the later part of the day, which is when they’re more active. Between 2 or 3 PM - around 8 PM on weekends, is when they’re more apt to make a scene.

Anyway, on Monday we’ll be going shopping. I want to get some new pet toys. I’m gonna get a new cage for the mice and new tubes/wheels. Then I may get myself a few larger pairs of panties, and a couple of pairs of sweatpants. Hopefully, this will be it as far as buying bigger clothes and I’ll end up back into my smaller clothes, but time will tell.

Ma’s sister Neva and her daughter Peggy were due to arrive from Michigan today. Hopefully, they got here OK. They’ll be here for a week. Then the week after that when I’m mid-cycle, God can again act like there’s some big pregnancy to dodge and tie Tom up with the move into Mary’s house.

Here’s our current plan that he and I discussed, but I don’t know. I just know something will come up to botch up our plans. He’s gonna get scared and use me as an excuse to put off or bail out or manipulate the doctors, should we ever get to these people. They say to trust your gut instinct. Well, either I’m paranoid (which I wish was the case, since no one likes to know their suspicions are legit) or I have a reason to suspect like I do that Tom will somehow either con his way out of the doctors altogether or con them out of helping us to have a child. Like I said, I hope I’m wrong. I hope it’s just a case of my being paranoid, due to those whom I was supposed to have been able to trust, that fucked me over in the past.

I felt kind of hurt and insulted at how he said since he’s never had an ear done like I did to see if I’d stand by him and still love him like he did for me, he has his doubts in me. He fears what I’ll tell the doctors about my believing he doesn’t want a kid. Then why’s he afraid of that if that’s not the case as he insists? I told him I wouldn’t say anything about his not wanting a child/not cumming out of fear. If that is the case, then I trust that these doctors, being the professionals that they are, would pick up on that and would address the issue themselves if they felt that was an issue. Anyway, I certainly wouldn’t want to see him have to go through the pain of having his head drilled like I did. I wouldn’t want to see him have to suffer in any way, but hopefully someday, someway, he’ll see that he can count on me to still love him and stand by him should he be unfortunate enough to ever have some trauma or big ordeal going on with him.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 24, 1998 Ma’s car needs work done on it cuz it leaks oil. Just another thing that’s gotta be dealt with and that we gotta give our time to. The good thing about it is that Tom’s taken it into a shop to have them do it, so he doesn’t have to spend all the more time on it that he doesn’t have.

Although light, I finally did have a good flow there for a while and some cramps. So, I’d say that there’s nothing wrong with my cycle and that it’s normal for me for it to be the way it is.

Tom’s excuses and his stalling on entering some kind of fertility program don’t really bum me out as much these days. First off, I really don’t want to make my husband do something I know he doesn’t want to do, regardless of what he says and secondly, I guess I just realize there’s so much good in not having a child. I’d still take one if it could come, of course, but since it can’t, I focus more on the bright side of never having one, and in doing so, I can see all the good in it.

Tomorrow’s the day I hope to hell that all these mice are gone. That seems a little too good to be true, though, so maybe most of them will be gone at least. I figured God’s gotta make up for how easy it was to get rid of those I didn’t want the last time by having it take longer to get rid of these and by not being able to get rid of them all at once.

So far, so good. The reason I couldn’t do the Slim-Fast diet plan, which is so simple and is only a matter of one’s own will, was cuz of my intolerance to dairy products. I had been hesitant to try anything available for help with that cuz I was afraid it’d be BS like most things are. But so far, so good, thank God! I don’t seem to have the usual bloating, gas, and cramps that occur whenever I have dairy products.

Later…

Getting the last journal bound sure was a bitch. I kind of had to do it backward cuz it was too hard to get the paper onto the wire without something sturdy supporting it.

I’m also switching coffee to help against having sore tits every fucking month. I was lucky if I could get halfway through my cycle before having sore tits. And caffeine is the number one cause of that. So now I hopefully won’t have to have sore tits for 2 or 3 weeks before each period. I got regular decaf coffee that I’ll brew in the Malita. I make great cinnamon coffee, too, by adding a pinch of cinnamon to the grinds before watering them down.

Anyway, I’m gonna go and check out the last library book I have here.

Later…

The freeloader just let me know he was in for the night by two door slams, but not as bad of a slam as he could give me and it’s better than music.

Thank God I woke up when I did, cuz I’d have been woken up for damn sure what with the storm we had. My folks had this storm too, as did the whole country. There was lots of thunder and lightning, some rain, but boy were there huge pieces of hale! I thought it was gonna take out the living room window for a minute there and Tom and I had to shout to hear each other over it. The backyard was Memory Lane for me as it looked like when the snow is beginning to melt back east. Didn’t bother Bunny, though. Nonetheless, there were scattered thin patches of hale all over the place and it took a couple of hours for it to melt.

Here it goes again. It’s raining again out there.

In other news, Tom brought the 32 babies to the pet store and thankfully, the woman there thought they were so cute that she took them all. So, they’re on sale for $1.50 each and hopefully they’ll go to good homes with people who’ll love them. I was surprised they were selling for $1.50 and not $2.50. I thought $2.50 was what we paid for the original 3, but not according to Tom.

So, I scrubbed everything down, which took forever, and the smallest Play City cage that Mary gave me, finally cracked up. It had cracks in it for a while from normal wear and tear, but it finally demolished itself as I was trying to attach a tube to it.

So now I have 10 ladies - Shy, Ziggy, Tanner, Patch, Baby Patch, Tanner, Spot, Star, and the two Cocoas.

Just took a moment to appreciate and enjoy the peace and quiet from dogs till tomorrow morning. Just think, if that dog, or any dog, were next door right now, it’d be yipping away and all the more of a task it’d be to keep from running over there and beating the living shit out of them.

Later…

God, just give me a reason to need a hysterectomy! I still feel that that’d be the best thing since there’s no way I’ll ever have a child. That way I wouldn’t have to deal with periods, any more than I’d have to deal with going to the doctors and what it may do to our relationship. Is our love really strong enough to withstand all the testing and questions they’d ask us? Well, since I’m sort of scared to find out as much as I’d still like a child, I wouldn’t have to worry about getting up the guts to find out if I just needed a hysterectomy.

We all have things we want in life that we can never have by any means or under any circumstances. If I had that kid right now, I’d just have some other problem. Everyone has problems and if it isn’t this, it’s that.

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 23, 1998 Where’s White Feet? I haven’t seen her/him all day.

Just another day and hopefully all, if not most, of these damn baby mice will be gone. They stink! It’s not so much that they themselves stink, it’s all the piss. It smells like someone wet a bed in here and it’s just so gross. Another good thing about never being able to have a kid, too. Anyway, I changed the two cages that the babies are in, but not the adults and the two babies I’m keeping yet. It’s not as bad in here now.

I counted about $45 in change that I’ve been saving. I’d like to get a couple of new T-tubes and a couple of purple Snap-On wheels for the mice. I also want to pick up a few more bigger pairs of panties and a couple of pairs of bigger sweatpants. That’s all I really need for now till I’m bigger in a few months and need to get more.

So, now I’m just doing stomach and thigh exercises since those are my worst areas. Like I said, it’s not doing me a damn bit of good, but I’m doing them anyway.

Tom picked up a couple of new pairs of jeans for himself today and I think I’ll treat him to a new robe if he wants one. His is rather old and worn.

Later…

Just thought I’d take a break from reading. I can see myself delving into true crime stories for a while until I find more supernatural suspense stories. The parts that are boring, though, are the trials. Whenever a trial is written within a story, you already know the story anyway. So I skim through those parts. What surprised me, though, is that the library only has one little section of true crime stories. With all the crime in this world, you’d think there’d be stacks and stacks worth of this shit. I want to try to find books about cases I’m less familiar with. That way, I’m learning something new along the way. Or more things that are new, anyway, but it’s the big cases that get turned into books and movies. And we already know about people like Amy Fisher and Jeffrey Dahmer through news reports and people talking.

I went and looked and was wrong about having two more journals like this to print up. Yes, I do have two more like this, but then there’s another one that’s a little different. It’s got more pages and is the same width, but is a little shorter.

It’s too bad Andy got me two a while back and I told him not to buy me more cuz of having the equipment for journal-making. He said he found them on sale at Walmart, where I got 4 of the ones I’m printing, for just a couple bucks each, and wanted to get me about 20 of them. That’s really sweet of him, but they’re just not needed now.

Later…

White Feet’s out there now. Guess she went exploring. Although I do think he’s a he. I think Blackie’s a she, though.

I’m giving that hair removal system another try. I removed tit hairs and some from my lower belly, but I still think it’s a crock. We’ll see, though.

I also chatted with Andy for a while. As tired as he was, he’d have gladly spoken with me for hours, but after an hour we hung up. He understands. I’m just now beginning to be able to not think of smoking when on the phone, but I’m still not the phoneaholic I used to be and that he still is.

All in all, I’d say it took 3 months till it began getting easier. Now I don’t remember smoking in everything I do and I don’t miss it every other minute anymore.

I told Andy that if he felt he just had to get something for my last birthday, to just get some 70s CDs whenever in doubt of what to get me. It’s the thought that counts, but Andy likes to get presents, too, when he can.

Anyway, the wonderful thing about Andy is that so far, every day this year, he’s been in a great mood. I’m so glad for him. He had enough misery, anxiety and depression. He’s still without love, but he’s making good money at work and is happy and glad to be alive.

I told him that Marla said she’d be sending his birthday present. She sent a message as she does periodically at this time of year. She works in the school’s office with a boss from hell, as she says, and what with two kids, she doesn’t have much time for email.

Later…

Guess Tom will be home in just over an hour. That is unless they make him stay late. He’s hoping for a job within the bank that’ll give him more predictable hours. Yeah, but my schedule will still be unpredictable in most ways and we’ll still never know when and if we can spend much time together. The good thing about it, though, is that it makes our time together all the more special.

The cats are doing a better job lately of respecting my hospitality and they’re not banging on the door every second at night, but now it’s time for their last can of food for the day. White Feet must be hungry. Then I’ll probably just read till it’s bedtime.

A part of me is not looking forward to returning to writing journals by hand since I’ve found reading as a good way to fill in the time I’m not writing by hand since typing is so much faster. Well, it is for me, anyway. I can type almost as fast as I talk, and I talk kind of fast. Maybe I’ll think of some project for the last 5 I’ll be writing. I’d fill Andy’s with all kinds of gibberish for Bob, but the prison officials wouldn’t allow something like that sent in. Or they’d say it was OK, then return it to me saying it’s not OK after I took all that time writing it. I wish Nervous was still alive or some sucker like that that’d read it through. If Nervous was alive and still obsessed with me, he would, but the more stable people I know like Kim, probably wouldn’t have time to read it all and may even get bored with it.

Got a boring Bob letter today with the same old, same old. He still writes once in a while, and I can’t say I wish he’d write more, either.

Speaking of reading, I still have to resume the proofreading of my journals. I’ve got about 30 left to go.

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 22, 1998 In my letter to Larry, I told him something I’d been contemplating telling him. I finally said fuck it, if he’s got a problem with what I told him, tough shit. I just wanted to spare him any possible surprises in the future. So, I told him that I respect his relationship with Ronnie G, wouldn’t want to change that, and would’ve maybe kept in touch with him throughout the years if he could’ve let the past be in the past, but since he hasn’t been able to leave the past in the past and chooses to ignore me, he’s gonna have to do so in all aspects of my life. Meaning, I know I can’t force him to associate with me, but he can’t be at mom or dad’s funerals, cuz if I’m there, I do intend to physically remove him, I told him. I also told him that as far as I’m concerned, none of the problems I’ve had with Ronnie in the past, have a damn thing to do with us. Not unless he wants to make it have anything to do with us. I’m sure he’ll take it in an understanding way, but like I said, if he doesn’t, that’s his choice. We all have to do what we have to do.

Tom got a big piece of cardboard that he says will cut easily. This is what we’re gonna hopefully use to make journal covers. I prefer hardcovers, but if it turns out that making hardcovers is that much of a bitch, then I’ll just use soft covers.

Later…

I explored some more Microsoft spreadsheets, databases, templates, etc., and I printed out one of their ready-laid-out floral envelopes.

Did lots of reading, too.

Maybe I’ll send Paula a letter for the hell of it since it’s been a while. What the hell’s that girl’s problem? Why’s it so hard to get in touch with me? Well, I always did say Paula was a ditz for a reason.

Shelly still continues to choose to have no contact with me. For all I know, she could’ve forgotten and lost anything with my name and number on it, but this is doubtful. Shelly’s not like Paula. She does have a brain in her head. I also don’t really think that she chooses to not contact me cuz of the past. I think it’s more personal. I think there’s something about me personally that bugs her.

Still nothing from Anne or Harry, either, but after hearing from them that one time after the first letter I sent since being out here, I kind of figured deep down that would be it. No pictures or any more letters from there on out, but I’m glad I sent them the pictures of Tom and I that I scanned. Of course, the pictures I scanned for them were before I got so big.

I’ve been doing stomach exercises regularly for over a week now and by now I should begin to notice a slight difference, but I don’t. See I’m telling you, and I vibe it strongly, God doesn’t want me to lose weight. Or to tone up for that matter. Now that I’m not running around asking, “How the hell am I ever gonna get off these damn cigarettes?” anymore, he just has to make sure I have a replacement and am now running around asking, “How the fuck am I ever gonna lose weight?” Well, I ain’t giving him the satisfaction no more.

Later…

We had our bi-weekly, but this time weekly fun in bed. I faked an orgasm and he pulled out saying that’s just his liking variety, but I’m pretty sure he just couldn’t get into it, either. We love each other dearly, but the sex has just gotten rather old. If there’s anything that is normal about our sex, though, it’s that that’s a common thing for couples who’ve been together longer than a year. It still sounds so funny coming from me. I mean, I just never thought I’d be able to say I’ve been with someone for nearly 5 years. It’s a good feeling, though. Especially when it’s with someone you love so very much that you’ve been with despite the suspicions on one or two subjects I’ve had about him, it’s been a great relationship and I believe we’ll be together forever. Our number one goal in life is the same and that is to be together forever.

For the last two months or so, it seems my sexual drive has lowered itself, but I can’t say it’s worth complaining about. Cuz of our busyness and schedules, we cannot have sex regularly. And also, it helps curb the baby desires for some strange reason.

My period is doing some strange things again, although not as strange as last month. Again, there’s no way I could be pregnant, but does this have anything to do with why I’m so fat? I was fat in my late teens due to not getting periods cuz of that Navane garbage I was on. I’m not spotting like last month, but it’s off to a very, very slow start. It’s still not normal. I should have a full flow by now and I know I’ll get one without a doubt in my mind, but still, I should either have a period or not have a period. Not kind of or intermittently, so to speak.

The freeloaders were quiet all weekend, so I won’t be stirring up any late-night noise, although one of these days, I may just stoop myself as low as they are and do shit without a reason, but it’s hard. See, I have a conscience and I’d personally feel guilty about bothering someone that either never did shit to me, or that has been quiet lately. So, I put Tom’s basketball back in his closet for now. The damn thing’s so heavy, too. No wonder they’re so loud and obnoxious sounding.

Tom got a new pedal for his car racing games on the computer, so he’s happy. It’s nice to see him on the computer more than at the TV.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 21, 1998 I weighed myself both before and after having a beef patty. I was a pound heavier after having the patty. I really am running on no metabolism here and there’s absolutely nothing I can do to up it. I could maybe, just maybe, if I jogged in place or something like that for 5 hours every day, but that’s not gonna happen, so this is just yet another bodily function I have no control over, just like with the sterility, that I have to just learn to accept and live with. It’s hard, though. It really is hard at times to deal with.

Great news! But first - just as I vibed, we won’t be getting rid of the mice till Tuesday and we may not be getting rid of all of them, either. That girl Shayla, said 32 mice are too many for her, but if worse came to worse, she’d take them. I think this other store that Tom was on the outskirts of the city will take about 20 of them, but Tom said he felt they may take them all.

Tom got an all-black guinea pig out near Scottsdale today! It’s a male and the lady at the store said he was 12 weeks old, but he seems more like 6 weeks to me. Anyway, I guess he was born sometime at the end of ‘97. He’s so adorable, but here’s something new that I’ve never seen or heard of done on GPs before. Well, he has an earring on one ear. It’s a little silver staple-like thing, similar to a leg band that a bird would wear. Because of his jet-black, velvety fur, which is softer than any other GPs I ever felt, I’ve been calling him Velvet. He’s really gung-ho on burying himself in my hair, this one, and is eating already, but is still too timid for the usual chattering they do when you take them out and pat them. When I say that he’s eating already, I mean that they usually don’t eat much on their first day or two in a new home. At first, Tom thought of Lightening as a possible name for him cuz he’s so fast and curious with the way he looks all around him, but before settling on Velvet, I thought to myself, Well, I’m not gonna call him the N pig, and giggled to myself. Andy, by the way, thought the name I addressed their letter to, was hilarious as all hell. He too, calls people certain names just to vent, but we know there are just as many white assholes and if these sick fucks were white, I’d call them some other names to vent my anger. This is why, though, these freeloaders have so many friends. Cuz most people are assholes, therefore, you’d fit in just fine with most people if you were one, too. But people like Tom and I choose not to have so many friends, cuz we don’t care for most people’s ways. I don’t need to associate with these liars, thieves, head players, etc.

My hope/guess that they’d back off after freaking out on me last weekend has been the case so far. I heard his car door, so I know he came and went the usual 4 to 6 times, but no music or ball games. Even the door slamming’s been way, way better. They used to slam their doors much harder and many times in a row, too.

I wonder where the fuck this dude goes every weekend so many times. Does he ever just stay in all day ever? He probably goes off to see his phony guy pals.

Still no dog over there and I’ll continue to enjoy every minute that there isn’t, cuz it’s just a matter of time now.

Speaking of animals, that bitch of a cat is pregnant again, as figured. Tom thinks she’ll take off and have them elsewhere so that these two kittens don’t kill them if either of them is male. It’s a male cat’s instinct, for reasons I can’t comprehend, to kill kittens. I think she will have them here and that if White Feet or Blackie are males, they won’t kill them. I think they’re too tame now to do that, instinct or not, but God will do what he feels is best. If he wants me to take care of them, he’ll make sure they live and are here in our yard. However, if they were born here and not killed by White Feet or Blackie, I think I’d be tempted to break their little necks myself. We don’t need no cat farm out there. The 3 cats we have are more than enough, on top of birds, mice, a rabbit, and a GP.

Tom got a new word processor, but as of yet, I’m not impressed with it. So for now, I’ll keep using the one I’ve been using.

We made a really neat spreadsheet of all the animals. The spreadsheet consisted of their description, names, DOB, and type, but we pretty much had to guess on some of the DOBs.

Later…

The oldest babies are now officially sexually active. I knew that the moment I heard screeching sounds. The ladies obviously don’t like to screw, cuz they run and squeak like hell when the males go to jump them.

My period’s beginning and so far seems to be more normal than the last one was.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 20, 1998 Well, that dreaded weekend has arrived. I’m gonna hope that cuz they just took a fit last weekend and cuz they don’t want to be reminded that I exist as I think they know they will be if they act up, they’ll give me a break this weekend, but we’ll see.

The fact that I can never have a kid and that I can’t lose weight still bothers me here and there. I’m now enjoying the last of the 120s, cuz I know that it’s just a matter of time before the 120s are a thing of the past. Hell, I’ll wish to hell I was 127! Especially when I’m something like 145.

Why is God doing this to me? Why won’t he let exercising take to me? It’s helped my back to feel better, but it hasn’t made me one bit firmer or any smaller. He just won’t let it work for me. Instead, I’m wasting my time and going against his plans for me, but why has he got it in his plans for me to be heavy? What’s the point? Is it to pay for all the years I was thin? And why is it that I have to pay for any good thing I get in this life? Can’t he just give me something without slapping a price on it? Without expecting something in return?

Meanwhile, I just try to tell myself he knows best and that it’s for a good reason; not all necessarily a punishment or compensation. It helps to ease my fears about his power and his ways.

Tom once told me that he’s so absent-minded that he sometimes forgets to do the things he wants to do. In other words, what he’s trying to say is, don’t mind him if he “forgets” to do something regarding the fact that we can’t have a child.

He’s already putting off and making excuses, saying it’s an all-day thing to get us set up with new doctors. True or not, if it’s worth it to him, he’ll do it. He’ll find the time for it.

Given the freak chance that there’s a procedure available that they could do to impregnate me, and given the one in a million chance that God let it stay there for 9 months, you’re talking at least two years. So, there’s no use in worrying if we should wait till we move to have a kid if God decided we should have that choice, cuz that’d be about how long all the testing and procedures would take.

As for my weight, in the meantime, that just keeps on going up slowly but surely, I have no logical explanation for it other than that it’s God’s will. I’m not eating like a pig and I am exercising, so my metabolism shouldn’t be as slow as it apparently is unless some higher power is manipulating it. I don’t have symptoms of a whacked-out thyroid, which is about the only medical cause for weight gain that I can think of.

And as much as I’d be thrilled to have a kid yesterday and know that we could obtain one the natural way, I agree with Tom when he said he hoped I wasn’t pregnant. If the new research is correct and not all hype, then the few cigarettes I had could cause it to have asthma. They’re saying that smoking early on in pregnancy causes asthma.

Well, even though my last period was screwy in the way that I was spotting for 3 days prior to a slow buildup to somewhat of a full flow, it was still enough to take a baby out. It’d be too much for it to survive, cuz the more you bleed, the less likely it is to be able to hang on as the currents of blood flush it out.

If I have another screwy period, then maybe there’s something else going on like with my hormones. That’s something God would screw with, too. Yeah, leave it to him to mess with my hormones, something that’s important in reproducing.

On the other hand, my abnormality isn’t so abnormal in a sense. Whenever there’s a family of more than two kids, there’s always one that can’t have kids. Or that won’t have kids, like Andy.

Later…

Right now, trying to read isn’t very easy. I’m stressed out and having trouble concentrating, cuz I know that any second, some scum-sucking, rude, selfish, lonely asshole, could blast by and distract me.

I think our little filthy black beast is in for the night, though. I think I heard a door that sounded within the carport and it is unlikely for them to have company on a Friday night. I wish this weather, as dreary as it is, would continue on throughout the weekend, but as is the case 99 out of 100 weekends, the weather’s gonna be great. It’s just that while they don’t like it as much when it’s not hot, they hate it even more when it’s rainy out. At least there’s no dog over there cuz if there was one over there right now, I’d be forced to listen to it right now for another hour or two. After having to listen to a dog over there with this sick fuck twice, there isn’t a day that goes by that I’m not thankful that there’s no dog over there. I don’t take it for granted.

Weekends, however, are notorious for loud stereos zinging by.

So, even though 3 hours of basketball is more likely in the summer (and this was also to bait me to see if they could catch me doing something for their rude noise, on top of bugging me) God still may send some other kid that doesn’t even know them to play ball for a while and they won’t run out and shoo them away, either.

Well, maybe they’ll leave me the fuck alone this weekend, seeing how they just let me have 3 hours of being made to acknowledge them and seeing how I didn’t do anything but believe me, I kill them with my bare fists every day in my mind.

Another reason that keeps them together longer than most couples, is how he’s so weak, insecure, and young. She’s a middle-aged bitch, and while she doesn’t have her shit anymore together than he does, he needs her to hold his hand and she needs someone to dominate. I know people well enough to be able to see this. I could tell from day one, and I think I made reference to this in these journals, that she was a little dominatrix of a bitch, while he was her phony little boy toy who loves every minute of her having him wrapped around her finger. Some people like that and they like to feel “owned” and bossed around. He probably couldn’t break free of her so easily if he wanted to. It’s more or less one of those addictive relationships. And as for her, he’s an object to dominate, use, and order around. He’s her sex, he’s her rides at times, he’s extra dough, he’s someone to dictate what to do so she can feel in control.

Now here’s a positive compensation for his being in the picture for this winter, and that’s that I haven’t had to run a fan constantly in the back room, cuz of the two guard dogs. At this time of year, they’re usually pretty out of control and barking up a vicious storm, but this winter has been the first winter I’ve been here where the situation wasn’t too bad.

Later…

I took a reading break, and now it’s time for a writing break. I’ve basically been bouncing back and forth between reading and writing today. The weather’s called for it. I mean, today’s the classic day for just lounging about, but so as not to feel too lazy, I’ve done some exercising in the midst of it.

Each of the 3 books I’ve got deals with cases of true crime.

The first one dealt with two teenage girls who were both raped, one was also killed, by two older teenage boys in a small town in Vermont.

The one I’m currently reading is about a woman so obsessed with this married guy, that she kills his wife. It’s one of those Betty Broderick fatal attraction stories.

The last one that I’ll read is about a woman stalked and raped twice by the same guy, and of the system that just doesn’t give a damn about shit like that.

These freeloaders’ reaction is so typical too, in their suspecting I bottled their carport, etc. Got to go run to the courts and expect them to play mommy and daddy. What is it with people and thinking that the courts can solve their problems with people? I just don’t get it. I know that if I have a problem with someone personally, then they are the ones to deal with. I believe in confronting the source directly and not having someone do it for me.

OK, enough about the naughty freeloaders for now. Back to my reading.

Later…

I’m heating up a cup of tea from the pot of tea that I made earlier, then it’s back to my reading. God! I couldn’t even read this much on Oswego St.

In case I never described the Mama Bitch and her kitties, the bitch is gray and white, White Feet’s black and white, and Blackie’s black.

I decided to keep two of the babies I liked that fortunately turned out to be females. One’s got a splotch of white on her back, so I call her Star. The other has a partially formed patch over one eye and I call her Baby Patch. So, that’s 10 mice. Ziggy, Shy, Spot, Tanner, Star, Patch, Baby Patch, Bandit, and the two Cocoas that are all brown and indistinguishable from one another.

Later…

And now I’ve gained another pound. Why? Why? Why? I’ve been exercising every day just about and haven’t been eating a pile of junk food or poorly, so what the fuck’s going on? Well, obviously there’s nothing I can do about it and I certainly can’t be pregnant what with pre-cramps that I’ve got. No problem with God answering my prayers that I not be pregnant at this time due to the cigarettes I had. No problem whatsoever. In fact, I should know better than to pray for something like that. Like it was even necessary for me to pray for something like that?! I don’t think so! I wish there really was something wrong with me that’s causing all this weight gain, cuz that’d be simpler, and then perhaps I could do something about it, but I know better. There’s nothing wrong with me, there’s nothing I can do about this, and I just have to live with it.

I got a letter from Kim today. She’s not doing too well. Her uncle died and she’s been laid off. She’s still alone, too, the poor girl.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 19, 1998 All's well and good today as of yet. No freeloader shit, or anything else, although I can't say for sure how the weekend will be. I'm sure they'll do something to bother me.

Steven's flown over for a visit and Tom got to see him this morning after work.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 18, 1998 Now here’s something I never do - fall asleep for 7 hours after only being up for 8 hours. I guess Tom’s theory for it must be right. I wasn’t fully over my cold like I had thought and had been doing a lot. Yeah, I was doing a lot, and that included a rigorous half-hour workout.

Later…

I slept again from 3 AM - 8 AM. Now I’m frying up some chicken and then I’ll work out.

The freeloader wasn’t a problem yesterday that I know of, so maybe, just maybe, they do hear me when I bang late at night and are like OK, OK. We want our peace and sleep so we’ll shut up for a while. I don’t know. We’ll just have to see what happens, but it’s a rather depressing thought to know I’m stuck with them a few feet away from me for two more years. Like a fly buzzing around my head that I just can’t get rid of. That’ll total 4 years of having the stress of these sick fucks on me, except for that time he took off for about half a year and only visited weekly or biweekly. I should’ve known, too, that he’d be back. I’ll tell you one thing for sure, and that’s that I won’t be using headphones all the time anymore, whether they can hear it or not. One thing I learned about Arizona is - don’t give a fuck about your neighbors, cuz they won’t give a fuck about you.

Later…

OK, I just ate, but am gonna wait a little bit before working out. I don’t want an upset stomach.

I just gave my 3 cats some chicken. Fortunately, though, Mama Bitch, as I now call her, doesn’t hang out there as much as the kittens. I’m feeding them again for two reasons. One is that they just won’t go away, and the other is cuz I don’t think it was just chance that sent them to me. I think God sent them to me cuz he knew I could handle it and cuz he wanted me to take care of them.

I’m going to have to make a very serious personal decision a couple of weeks from now. I’m really tired of how I keep outgrowing my clothes every few months and want to put a stop to this weight gain, even if I can’t lose weight. If another couple of weeks of having meat or poultry every day and exercising doesn’t produce results, I’m then gonna have to decide whether or not I just want to keep on living with it, enter a weight loss program, or go back to smoking. I just know that in the end, I’m gonna have to decide if I want to breathe more or be thin more. Smoking may be something I’ll have to get used to again and cause me to wheeze again and have to take inhalers regularly, and be a bit costly, but I do miss the vice; the act of smoking. And if I’m just gonna be fat and miss them, maybe I ought to just smoke and be thin. I miss being thin and the costs kind of come out the same if you add up the costs of the new clothes I have to buy from the weight gain. Or maybe it’ll stop any further weight gain. I just know that God’s not gonna let me have my cake and eat it too. It’s one or the other. Either I must be heavy, or I must wheeze away. Maybe I should smoke a few months here and there, who knows? At least now I know I can quit. As long as I have Tom’s support, the Nicorette gum for 12 weeks, and regular gum in between, I can do it. Then when the pounds add up again, I can smoke again.

Later…

I had Tom get me a pack of smokes. Once again, I feel a bit nauseous and there’s a foul taste in my mouth. I wonder how I did these things for so long and why I felt so compelled to get started and stick it out long enough to get used to these things in the first place. Guess living with my mother and psycho foster parents and funny farms was really tough, but nonetheless, it was I who put the damn things to my lips. My first relapse taught me it was better to miss them than to smoke. This one’s taught me to just take the fat. I don’t think I can get back into these things no matter how hard I try. So I just have to accept the fact that just like I can’t have everything I want in life, it’s either smoke and choke or be fat. I also feel kind of guilty and like I’m letting Tom down and throwing away all that hard work. After all, it was just beginning to get easier. I wasn’t missing my cigarettes nearly as much and when I did, it was OK. I could deal with it.

So, I’ll keep on exercising and eating at least one good meal a day as Tom and I agreed, then when I get to the 140 pounds I know I’ll get to, I’ll decide then if I just want to live with it, or if I should see a doctor and check out a weight loss program. I just don’t see what they can do for me that I can’t do for myself or that I haven’t already done. I think that if it were that easy and even possible to lose weight, your average person wouldn’t be overweight like they are. Maybe being fat isn’t the end of the world as long as I make sure I get new clothes every 3 months and be punctual about it so I don’t have to deal with the frustration of clothes that don’t fit for longer periods of time like I have been. I’ve been putting off getting new clothes and that’s not good. But like I said, perhaps being big is a small price to pay in order to be able to breathe, and new clothes, even every few months, can’t add up to the cost of cigarettes if I just get a few cheap things. I’m now a non-smoker, like it or not. Something I only dreamed of being for years, so yes, God does answer some of my dreams and you know what? It’s OK if he doesn’t answer my kid dream. I told Tom that if he said the word, I’d go to a doctor with him and I still would if it’s what he wants and if we can fit it into our lives, but as long as I have my husband and the ability to breathe and not have to live in fear of bad asthma attacks, I’ll be OK with no child. We’re going to be busy with my teeth, with moving, with family, and more. Also, if I took up smoking again, I couldn’t hide it from Andy, my folks, and Lisa forever. I could live with Andy and my dad getting on my ass about it, but it’d be much harder for me to live with Lisa knowing about it. We promised each other not to smoke and I can’t say for sure if she’s not smoking or ever will if she really isn’t, but I know how useless it is to tell a child not to smoke, while you’re sitting there puffing away. I was once that child being told that while her parents smoked. And her big sister. And her big brother.

I will also not touch a drop of alcohol again after finishing the 4 wine coolers I’ve got. There’s no reason to be drinking. I don’t need no substitutes no more. Just my gum.

I’ll ask Tom to please not mention my relapse to anyone, either. He can tell his side of the family whatever he wants, but I’m talking about Andy and the family on my side. There’s no need to get them all upset over a few smokes.

Later…

Apparently, the freeloader isn’t coming in for lunch these days and that’s just fine with me. However, it came and went at 10:30. There was no music, but I heard the kid cry. I still wonder why his hours are so weird. There is a pattern and a schedule, but there’s not. Anyway, we’ll just have to see how the fuck comes in at the end of the day.

I guess I’ll go read now and then maybe listen to some music. Mine, that is.

Later…

I managed to bind and close the previous book up, but I did do it a bit backward. I was supposed to load the paper onto the wire first, then attach it to the binder, but instead, I attached it to the binder, then loaded the paper. Oh well. It’s no biggie. I’ll just know better for the next 3 journals.

I’m gonna change colors every day in this book. I’ll use black, magenta, blue, dark cyan, red, dark green, dark red, and purple

Sounds like the freeloader’s not doing music, but is back to his door-slamming routine. Well, since they obviously are so adamant about my knowing they exist, I’ll take doors over music. At least he’s in for the night, cuz that was definitely an inside-the-carport slam.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 17, 1998 No freeloader noise today yet, but now that my cold's over, I'm left with the daily allergy attacks. I had to take Benadryl, so now I'll be drowsy.

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 16, 1998 Yesterday we went to the library. I suggested it spontaneously, but we were a half-hour early before they were to open. We stopped at a dollar store to kill time and I got a palm tree photo album, colorful hair ties, and vanilla lip gloss. At the library, I got a few books on true crime. Tom didn’t find anything interesting.

We went to Staples too, where we got a program that types the words you speak, but it’s not very good. It doesn’t do very well at getting the right word. Sometimes it doesn’t even put words that are even close to what I say.

We also experimented with the puncher and crushed wires shut to make little booklets. I over-crushed mine a bit, but he did a fine job.

Then we returned just in time for a 3-hour ballgame next door, all in regard to me for damn sure.

Before I get into the fucking freeloaders and their latest shit, let me just say that I had my tooth filled today and early next month, they’ll take photos and do molds for the brackets, as well as pull the baby tooth. Then a week after that, they’ll put the brackets on.

The only good thing I can say in regard to the ball game 3 feet from the bedroom window is that it wouldn’t have woken me up with the fan added to the sound machine. Nonetheless, the bitch had two carloads of kids come over just to harass me (he wasn’t there throughout all this, though). I know it’s to bait me (as well as to piss me the fuck off). I noticed that the window that overlooks their carport had its blinds open, so I think they planned this with the hopes of catching me doing something in retaliation on videotape, so they could try harder to seek legal action against me. Their motives are rather obvious to me and also, the freeloader banged in and out today at around 1:30. He came in, then left two minutes later. It wasn’t too loud, it wouldn’t have woken me up, but it was still an obvious “I’m here” and “I’m leaving now” from this bastard.

Anyway, they’re not gonna get what they want as far as me doing something illegal for them on tape, but I wasn’t kidding when I said they were gonna have to hear me too, and be reminded that I exist too, and I can be noisy too, and I can force them to listen to me. Tom has an old basketball and I’ll be slamming that around the back patio and blaring music myself. Tom told me that this would make them louder, not cuz it bothers them since noise doesn’t bother them cuz they’re noisy people themselves, but cuz it’s me. So them being reminded of my presence would piss them off into making more noise. They’d use that as an excuse. Well, maybe he’s right. However, I don’t think these people need a so-called excuse to be noisy. I think they just don’t give a shit and that they’ll do whatever they’re gonna do, with or without an excuse. I was never noisy in the past to cause them to use that as an excuse to be noisy, so why would they need one now?

Well, just two more years. Just two more years of being forced to know when he’s coming and going, etc. And just two more years of being forced to feed 3 cats. They just won’t go away, so I’m feeding them to keep them off my ass. I’m getting more and surer that we’re stuck with them as neighbors till we’re out of here. Once you get a subsidized house, you don’t give it up. That bitch had to wait years for this and besides, where would they go? They’ll hang onto this house as long as they can unless they win the lottery and can get something better. Then two years after we’ve moved, God can replace me with something else, just like he replaced my healthier lungs with all this fat, etc. As Tom agrees, that’s just life. If you don’t have problems A, B or C, you have problems D, E and F.

Later…

I can’t sleep yet so I thought I would write. Right now I’m using the voice program that types what I say. It’s still not very good. I was doing some reading earlier, but now I am experimenting with this thing.

I’m still very pissed off about next door. I’m so fucking sick of their shit so I gave them a little bit of ball bouncing and I also played them a little segment of Rick and Nervous arguing. Prior to doing this, I had my music blasting. However, I’m virtually positive that they didn’t hear a damn thing. I don’t know if it’s just a matter of God’s will or if it’s something about this house and how it’s built. It shocked the shit out of me that they couldn’t hear it, but I went around to the side of the house and it was just a faint whisper. They’d practically have to be told that someone was playing music in here and still have to strain their ears to hear it in the middle of their fucking carport. I would think that out of the three different sources of noise that I stuck them with, it would be the basketball that they’d be most likely to have heard. They’re just on the wrong side of the house, so to speak. If we were in their house and they were in ours, that’d be a whole different story. Then I could really harass the shit out of them. But due to the angles of the two house’s setups, there’s just no way I can make myself as heard as they are.

It also may have not been a very smart thing to play that particular conversation between Rick and Nervous. This is because of how it’s got to do with harassing phone calls. Remember, we shouldn’t have any way of knowing that they were behind the phone calls to us because no one here is supposed to have sent any hate mail to them. It would also sound a lot less like there were two guys arguing that were out back live if one guy was telling the other that he’d be driving over to his place in 10 minutes.

Well, this was fun experimenting with this gadget and it’s definitely different, but I can type this 100 times faster and with 100 more times accuracy.

Right now things are pretty active in Mouse Land. Almost all wheels are being used at the moment.

I’m going to chat with Andy sometime tomorrow. In his last message to me, he said something about Laura and Gary wanting to move out at the end of the month. If they really do move, he’ll have more in the way of rent and bills, naturally, but then he won’t have to put up with what goes with having roommates.

OK, now I’m going to sign off.

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 15, 1998 Just left Andy a happy birthday message. Now I’ll cover from where I last left off before we went out yesterday, till now.

I saw that it rained like hell when we got up today at around 5 AM. We’re supposed to get a Pacific storm sweeping through for today and tomorrow. I always like it to rain around here on weekends. It lessens the chance of any outside activities, even if there’s less chance of that at this time of year from the freeloader.

I got around to talking to Tammy, who admits Bill abused the kids to some extent but didn’t want to get into it. She also said, “Believe me, I’m doing what’s best,” when she said he has visitation rights, but how can that be? How can she be doing what’s best by letting a guy see her kids every day that hits them?

Tom got the paper puncher and the wires for journal-making but hasn’t found the cardboard for making the covers yet (not corrugated paper that we call a “cardboard” box).

Tom picked me up some library books while I was sick. As sweet as that was of him, I didn’t like any of the books, so we’ll go again together sometime soon and I’ll get something else.

We went to 6 different pet stores yesterday to look at GPs. One store was closed and the others had ugly or boring pigs. As for the mice, I decided to keep the 8 ladies I’ve got - Ziggy, Tanner, Patch, Spot, Shy, Bandit, and the two Cocoas. This way they won’t stink as much, I won’t have to change the cages every few days, and it’ll be easier to deal with. I think 8 mice is enough, after all.

Sorry, God. You can compensate me, but you can’t win on this one. Back when we had the waterbed, I’d sometimes feel a pressure-like discomfort when we’d screw lying on our sides. Now, instead of feeling that with this bed, I have more irritation at the opening. We screwed today which was the 2nd time in about a month, and I was so irritated that I almost yelled out in pain and stopped him. How can I have this much irritation after so little sex? I can’t obviously, so obviously it’s something up there that insists there’s always a problem with sex. If it’s not with my partner, it��s with me, but there’s gotta be some issue about it.

I was both shocked and not shocked that he came like hell today. He always claimed that he couldn’t cum as well if he were too excited and built up and that he’s gotta do it regularly to cum more, but I think it’s just one of his many excuses. The reasons I’m not shocked are cuz it’s not prime time and cuz I told him I preferred it nowadays when he doesn’t cum cuz it’s less messy. He’s an opposite doer, so if I tell him I prefer he didn’t cum, he’ll cum. Don’t get me wrong - this doesn’t mean he’s gonna cum more than the once every two weeks to two months that he usually does. It’s just that last night when I told him this, he responded by saying that we can’t always get what we want. So, he knew he was gonna cum today. He made up his mind to and planned to last night, but it was fine. It didn’t make nearly the mess I thought it would and I didn’t have to change the sheets. If I did, though, it wouldn’t kill me, either.

Later…

Andy told me something he said I wouldn’t believe. Well, I do believe it, cuz it’s become rather obvious even to me, that he’s just cursed in the workplace. It’s too bad he’s afraid of change, cuz it may be time for him to try some other line of work, not that he can’t/won’t encounter trouble elsewhere. Anyway, once again, he’s fighting with coworkers and this other waitress ran to the manager claiming he sexually harassed her. Well, I know Andy wouldn’t hit on a guy he’s not interested in and he certainly wouldn’t hit on a woman, so that tells me something. That tells me that this girl’s using his gayhood as a weapon/excuse to claim he’s a pervert so he can be fired. The manager threatened to fire him if there were any more problems, but so far he’s still there.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 14, 1998 If what Lisa told me is true, I really want to shake my sister and say, hey! Do something to protect your kids! Bill’s been coming around hitting Lisa with Tammy right there to see it and she’s not doing shit about it. Lisa said something about her being afraid to lose the kids, but I would think that Tammy wouldn’t lose them for reporting an abusive husband. As long as she herself isn’t doing anything wrong, why should she lose them? If he’s doing violence, then he’s doing criminal behavior and he should be arrested. He shouldn’t be allowed to see them.

My question is, why isn’t Tammy doing anything about this? If she knew he was hitting the kids, why wasn’t she contacting the authorities? Or beating the snot out of him? And why is she letting him near them?

Well, if Tammy, Lisa, or the system won’t take proper measures to get this guy out of their lives, maybe God will have his lymphoma kick in and kill him, but I doubt that. God loves a guy like this. He’ll do all he can to protect him and ensure he lives a full enough life.

The whole thing just burns me up, though! I could kill this guy! And how could my sister be so stupid and not do anything about this?

Well, hopefully I’ll catch Tammy soon enough, cuz she said she’d fill me in on what’s going on, and then I’ll see if I can casually bring up Bill without sounding obvious and see what she says is the case. I believe Lisa, though. I can tell by her tone of voice, her choice of words, etc., that she’s sincere about what’s been going on and most kids wouldn’t lie about that, either.

No freeloader trouble yet, but it’s early. These things don’t peak till afternoon. I had a dream they got the dog back that they had before, but hopefully it’ll stay just a dream. If they don’t get a dog of some kind within a few weeks to a month, then I’d stick with my original guess of their getting a dog around late June to early July. They hate it when it’s not really hot, so they’d prefer to go out to feed it in the heat than they would in the colder weather. I know this could very well mean asking for more noise as a replacement, but I just wish they’d move the fuck on out of here!

Tom’s gone out to get the equipment to make journals. He’s gone to get the paper puncher, the wires, and maybe pressed paper, too (the material that covers are made of). I don’t know yet if we’ll get a laminating machine.

He’ll be back in about 20 minutes, then we’ll be going to see what guinea pigs are around.

He installed a motion sensor light in the garage, so now he doesn’t have to walk through a dark garage to open the garage door, then walk through the dark to get to his car. It’ll be nice for me, too, for when we go out at night. In the past, he’d put the high beams on so I could see, but they weren’t as helpful as these lights will be.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 13, 1998 Well, I don’t thank God it’s Friday, contrary to what the bulk of the population would think, but I’ve never part of the bulk of the population for the most part, anyway. I’m glad that Tom will be off, but that’s about it, cuz I’d think that two quiet weekends in a row would be just a dream. Well, we’ll just have to wait and see what they do. The longer they don’t know I haven’t been served, the longer it’ll be before they start up, but it’s not gonna be long, anyhow. If I remember correctly, it wasn’t more than two weeks between the time the butch and Stacey had me served, till we met in court.

Anyway, I feel a million times better. Yesterday I really felt like shit, all the way up till a few hours ago. My throat hurt like hell and my nose was all stuffed up. I slept on and off from noon yesterday till 3:00 this morning.

I hope I can still make it to the dentist’s appointment.

Later…

Tom just called from work to say hi, since their machines got all fouled up and he has to wait.

Today he’s bringing Ma to get these little shots in her face that help with scar tissue, then he’ll be in at noon, and he says the weekend’s clear. He’s gonna go to the track on Saturday, but that’s it.

Tweety’s singing away to the washer. I’m washing out sheets, blankets, and a few odds and ends. Just like I could do things to make Shadow meow and my pigs squeak, I can make Tweety sing, by crinkling plastic or with any steady crackling or water sounds. It’s pretty neat, but I wish God would kill these cats!

Later…

I printed out about 47 pages of this journal and it took forfuckingever! I didn’t realize it’d take that long.

I called to say hi to Tammy. She was just headed out the door but said to call her later and she’ll fill me in. At least she still sounds happy. I’ve never heard her sound so happy and positive. It’s about goddamn time, as I said before! It’s too bad that Tammy has to always be associated with Bill cuz of the kids. That must be hell, having to see someone you can’t stand like that. I’m assuming he’ll have visitation rights, even though he shouldn’t be allowed near the kids at all since the courts are so gung-ho on biology.

A few hours ago, the things I’ve been doing caught up to me. Guess I exerted myself too much doing dishes, laundry, etc. I can really tell I’m still sick when I talk. My voice is weak, as amazing as that sounds coming from someone with such a loud, strong voice, and I’m still heavy-headed. It feels stuffy and I can still barely taste or smell. This is the first cold I’ve had in years, though, so I’ll bet I won’t have another one till after the turn of the century. Especially if we don’t have the kid I know we’re not meant to have (kids are always sick).

I was discussing different philosophies and beliefs with Andy, and believe it or not, he does have a point about something. When I reminded him that God doesn’t give us more than we can handle, he pointed out how God gives kids to those who can’t handle them all the time. This is true. God does do this, but as I said before, I believe God has different standards for different people. What one can do/have, may not be what someone else can do/have. I’ve been in situations I couldn’t handle before and most of the parents I’ve known couldn’t handle parenthood, but there’s still a reason for everything. I just don’t know if God’s reasons for sterilizing me are good, bad, or both, but what’s been done has been done. He sterilized me before I was even born. There’s nothing I can do about that 32 years later.

Andy left a message earlier and again, he’s as selfish as he is a very dear friend. I had left him a quick message yesterday to say hi and I also mentioned I had a cold, but in his message to me today, he didn’t even mention it. Never asked how I was or anything. Instead, I was Brenda for a few minutes. He wanted to vent his troubles with Laura. All 3 of them sleep in the bedroom. Laura and Gary have bunk beds. Meanwhile, Laura set her alarm for 6 AM and Andy wasn’t too happy about that, I guess since he doesn’t have to get up till around noon or later.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 12, 1998 Jesus, I am unbelievably fat! Almost none of my clothes fit. Even listening to music is hard. There used to be space in between my belly and thighs, but now, my stomach is jammed against my thighs when I’m hunched over rocking. My problem is mostly in my stomach and thighs. Man, are they huge! I think I have a 34” waist and that’s 10” bigger than it’s supposed to be.

See? I really can find good in not having a kid, cuz if I had had a kid who read these journals after I died - oh God! It’d think it had a crazy mom for sure! Sometimes that’s true, though, or I at least feel that way. Another good thing about not having one is when you have a cold, it’s a blessing not to have to take care of someone when you can barely take care of yourself. I didn’t even think I’d have the strength to write at all.

I had a sore throat and body aches yesterday and today I’ve still got the body aches, but my head feels like it’s being pressurized all around. I’m not congested in the lungs/nose yet, but I just have that yucky, dizzy, weak, breathless feeling and I have zero energy. I don’t think I can work out today. My backache alone is tough. Tom’s been a great masseuse and nurse, though.

Although you’re supposed to gain a couple of pounds when you first start working out, I was right about my weight being scheduled for another jump. I know its timing and how my body loses/gains weight and now I’m 127. Of course, I look more like 140 with this lack of height and a disproportionate shape. Even my face, which was always considered striking (except for the crooked teeth, big teeth in front, and the small hole of a mouth), looks fat, puffy, and haggard. I’m really starting to age suddenly. My chin now runs right into my neck. It’s no longer tucked under my neck but slants down right into it. I don’t have much in the way of wrinkles yet, although there are facial folds forming from the sides of my nose down to the sides of my little round mouth. It’s hard to believe I was once thin and had a pretty face. Thank God I’ll always have my thick long hair and my big eyes and long eyelashes. They make up for what I lack. Most people would find the curly hair a blessing, too, but you know I don’t. It’s too much of a bitch to keep knots out of.

Every time I don’t feel too bad and get up and do things, I’m reminded of just how sick I really am, even if this is a really easy cold since I don’t smoke. I began to sex the baby mice but got weak and tired and they began to all look the same, so I’ll wait till this weekend. Tom and I agreed to do that and trim my bangs with the new hair trimmer this weekend, but you know how it is with us - something will come up so we can’t do it then. Someone will need his help. God, leave my husband to me on the weekends!

So, this weekend we’ll hopefully segregate the babies (the way you tell the sexes is by the distance between their butt holes and their private parts).

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 11, 1998 I may not do as much updating as I’d like to, cuz I’ve got a cold. Just when I thought I’d escape catching Tom’s cold (and I haven’t caught his last 4-5), I catch it.

Anyway, there’s still been no freeloader shit yet. No calls, no funny mail, nothing done to the house, no music, nothing yet. Although at around midnight, I sure heard something really damn weird but it couldn’t have been next door. It was close by, but when I say “close by” that could mean 4 houses away since they’re so close. Anyway, I heard a dog howling. Not barking, but doing a soft, low howling sound. If all dogs did that, rather than barked, I wouldn’t complain. I think I may have heard this howling before, too, a few times, but again, I have no idea where it’s at. I’d doubt it’d be next door, though, cuz they’d get something louder, with a loud bark, and something that’d bark a lot. I’ve only heard this thing a few times, but meanwhile, they deliberately had the dog they had go hungry a lot and deprived of attention, so it’d bark more. They probably got to the point where they couldn’t stand it themselves. Like I said, though, it couldn’t have been just a few feet away. I did hear the little kid balling her head off at 7:30 yesterday morning, but that’s it so far.

Tom says he thinks they know I haven’t been served, but my guess is that they still don’t know. It’s been too quiet for them to know. If they knew, they’d either try to get me served again, or they’d be a problem with noise. Primarily with music, since they don’t have a dog right now.

I’m working on my CD cover project and just not up to writing now, so I’ll go continue on with that and return to write more later.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 10, 1998 I have quite an update to do. First off, Tom said the computer fixed itself and I was right with my initial diagnosis of a bad ink cartridge. He said he tested its colors again right before he was about to call an 800 number to exchange it, and it was fine. Well, I hope it stays that way. Meanwhile, I did 4 more Norah pictures and am resuming the CD cover project.

Now here’s something that may or may not shock you. That depends on how closely you view the statistics on shit like this, but last night I had one cigarette. It was also a very big mistake too, and I learned a big lesson - if you quit smoking, don’t go back to it, cuz you’ll be sicker than a dog. I had Tom get a pack cuz I was sick of missing them. It felt and tasted just like it did when I first started. I expected a bit of a head rush, but not for my heart to feel like it was gonna jump right out of my chest and not to feel nauseous, but that’s just how I felt for a while. And the place smelled so bad, too! No wonder I was thin, except for when I was on funny pills, what with the way my heart raced. And what a foul taste I had in my mouth for a while, too. How did I do that for 18 years? Gross! And why I didn’t feel queasy when I first started beats me. How did I deal with the rapid heartbeat and the smell? So, although what I did was a very bad idea, it may be the best stupid thing I did, so to speak, cuz it taught me just how sick I’d be. So, it’ll make missing them a lot easier to cope with.

Tom’s still sick, but he’s functioning. He hasn’t had to call out of work yet, although he considered it a few times.

We lay down naked together and talked, but we didn’t do anything. He said he owed me big time, though.

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 9, 1998 Yup, there’s a freeloader next door. One with a car, anyway. If I heard right, I heard its car doors just after 10:00.

I’m doing sheets right now and soon I’ll do some exercising. I don’t really have anything else I’ve got to do. I sang, and I’ll also crimp my hair, too.

Why is God so fucking hung up on the idea of me being in old places and with things that are broken?! This fucking leaky roof! I know Tom’s full of it when he says he’s gonna put a coat of sealer on it in a few days and have it repaired in a few months.

Anyway, I crimped my hair and am now waiting for the fryer to heat up enough for my chicken wings. Then, I will work out and do proofreading for the night. Anything to keep my mind off of things that hurt. It’s not always easy to block out the pain and punishment that God has inflicted upon me. Every day, I get up and I tell myself the same thing - I do not deserve a child and I cannot handle it. I need to believe this to make it easier to go on living and to go on living with God’s decision. I need to make his decision right and I need to make it fair. The only way I can deal with it and be more OK with it is to tell myself that every day, not that it isn’t true no matter what, cuz it is. I’m not up weird hours and on weird schedules for the fun of it. This is the way I am and I can’t help it, whether I’m one in a million or not. And if I can’t get on schedule for me I certainly couldn’t do it for a child. You have to be able to help yourself and do right for your own self before you can help and do right for others. But nonetheless, telling myself I don’t deserve it and can’t handle it, is the only way I can justify God’s actions. God isn’t supposed to hurt people like this and he’s supposed to be stronger than the devil, so for him to do this to me, he’s got to have a damn good reason.

Later…

I miss my cigarettes. Yes, I still miss them every day. I may not wheeze or need inhalers regularly anymore, and it may save money, but nothing has changed. It was a simple case of my being naïve, to think it’d change anything that much. Do I really want to live missing my cigarettes, on top of missing a child? I just don’t know.

The babies are really becoming “mice” so to speak. The oldest ones are really moving around now and eating and drinking. It’s so cute how they get all bouncy and playful.

I had a nice talk with Andy. I wanted to call him when I did an hour or so ago, cuz I knew I wouldn’t catch him later what with how my schedule is now.

I did the dishes, and other little odds and ends around the house, but I haven’t done much proofreading yet, so I think I’ll get back to that. I have a whole goddamn 34 more to go. They never end!

I’ve got about 600 more pages to proofread between all the journal groups I have left to go through. Well, I guess it’s moving along somewhat, cuz I remember when I had just over 1000 pages to proofread.

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 8, 1998 I may do some more working out later. Again, I know I can’t lose weight as long as God says I can’t. It’s just that it not only makes me feel better, but I feel more and more the need to rebel against God. In the past, for example, his refusal to allow me a child only made me want to fight him and get around him more. Now, I’m all the more determined to show that I can live just fine with his decision. And besides, he’s not the only one who thinks I can’t handle a child and am not deserving of one. I know I couldn’t handle it. I know I have so many other blessings, too, that I don’t deserve a child. I have to earn my way through life and I haven’t earned a child. Nothing I’ve done says I deserve it, but I do deserve other things that I’ve got and that I’ve worked hard for. I may not have the gift of a child, but I’ve got the gift of music. And that’s something I deserve and can handle, as long as it’s just the hobby it’s always been.

So go on God, control me all you want, but I am not gonna let a damn thing you do get to me and dominate my life and emotions!

So, it’s like I said - if I don’t mention a child, Tom won’t. He’ll forget all about it if I do.

Tom tells me I should try the hair removal thing again cuz they’re selling it everywhere. Yeah, gimmicks are sold everywhere all the time. Maybe it does work for most others and maybe it’s me. Maybe God just doesn’t want me to remove any of my hair permanently.

Later…

Got some letters typed up. Meanwhile, I haven’t heard any car doors in the 12 or so hours that I’ve been up, so if the freeloader’s car is there, I don’t know it.

I just ran into Marla online, sent her an IM, but got no response. Guess she’s busy doing something.

It’s now one of my favorite times - late Sunday night. Well, it’s not late, but by this time, I can be pretty darn sure that there’ll be no shit next door. According to Tom, there were no problems from them, so unless he’s not around to stir up the music/company, they don’t know yet that I haven’t been served. A couple of calls where all they say is how whites are no better than them isn’t gonna influence their case in court, the more I think about it. So that’s why there haven’t been any problems with music, mail, or vandalism.

Tom did say that he got a pizza he didn’t order. I said it was next door, but he said he didn’t think so cuz there was a phone number on the order that wasn’t ours. He thinks it’s just a misunderstanding about the address. Yeah, could be, but I doubt it.

God, these cats really know how to push my buttons. If they’re not banging on the door, they’re banging on the wall between the back room and patio.

I had my daily allergy fit, took my daily allergy pill, and so far, it looks like God’s gonna spare me again from catching one of Tom’s many colds. I knew he would. I’ve got allergies and other shit to deal with every day.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 7, 1998 I didn’t get up till around 3 PM, but according to Tom, there have been no problems with the freeloaders yet. He said all he heard was someone passing by bouncing a ball and someone dumping garbage. Yeah, the freeloaders have their recycle bin right against the block wall just a few feet away from the bedroom. It used to be on the other side of their carport up against their house, but now it has to be against our house. Close enough, anyway.

For a second there, I thought I heard a dog while I was putting up that piano flag with its colorful notes in the music room, but I guess I didn’t. It wasn’t loud enough and it was just that one time. By now, if there were a dog there, I’d have heard it a billion times. I also wouldn’t be surprised if they got a dog sooner than the summer, and this next dog I won’t suspect is for me, I’ll know it’s for me.

Also, as figured, the calls stopped as soon as I put the anonymous call reject in use.

And another thing I figured is that the freeloader’s back. I was right when I said I heard a car door. It was there yesterday and the day before that we know of and when it’ll leave again, I don’t know.

So, what else is going on that’s part of our fate that God would never change - Tom does have yet another fucking cold. He went just over half a year without one, though, so he’s improving, and I should’ve known. I should’ve known that with the way God has to make sure our brand-new vacuums and microwaves and stuff like that have to break, I should’ve known that he’d trash the printer or the scanner. He chose to go after the printer and again, I’m sure a part of it is my payback for next door’s bottle. It won’t print reds very well and this is why I’ve been having color problems with text and pictures. It wasn’t a faulty cartridge after all, even if I wish that was the case, but I should’ve known. Boy, we really set the record for stuff that breaks. We’d be setting a record even if the stuff was older, so it’s all the more of a pisser when brand-new shit breaks for no apparent reason. That printer was fine. Then it just suddenly stopped printing correctly. This tells me all the more, that it had to be a God and if not, a devil of some kind. So much new shit doesn’t break left and right without a reason and since we can’t find no logical reason for it, that leaves something that’s not quite of an earthly source, although Tom’s not as quick to believe that kind of thing. I don’t think he wants to cuz it’s human nature to try to avoid thinking about things that are scary/negative. I don’t like to think that something out of this world could control us or our lives and stuff so much, but it’s true. There’s no denying it. That’d be pointless.

Tom picked up a couple of 40-min. phone cards for Andy. I’ll mail them along with his card for his birthday.

He also picked me up a pair of purple Velcro leg weights that you strap around your ankles. These are so much more stable than that thing I got by Denise Austin. The stretchable cord for the arms is fine by her and so is her tummy/back supporter, but the thing you wrap around the thighs sucks. They just slide right down.

Later…

I just got done working out and am doing laundry. I’m also cooking chicken wings and yes, I may as well give the cats the parts I don’t like, rather than throw them out and have them go to waste.

All’s still quiet next door and Andy couldn’t remember for sure, but he thinks he had to keep on calling in regard to finding out if Scott had been served or not. So, I don’t know if they know I haven’t been served yet. That would be pretty funny if they got all the way up to the court date without knowing, then went to court expecting me to be there, only to then end up being told their time and money went to waste cuz I was never notified. Upon receiving the calls I got, I thought they knew then that I hadn’t been served and knew it was useless to try again, cuz that wouldn’t look very good in court - harassing someone you intend to take to court for harassing you. But due to the weekend being so quiet (so far), they may not know yet. It’s when they do know and when they decide to forget about court that’ll be when they’ll really act up.

I was browsing through all the different projects that graphics program can do and discovered I can make CD and tape labels. You can make all kinds of labels for various things, but I made one tape label just for the hell of it (for an audiotape) and made a few CD labels, too. Unfortunately, I stuck all kinds of stickers on the CD cases that I can’t get off, so I have to tape the covers I make onto the outsides of the cases. Also, thanks to the fucked up printer, I have to wait a while before I can print more labels and Norah pictures if I want them to look better.

Later…

Sandy called earlier to say hi and to thank me for the cards I sent her and Jen, and I spoke to Larry and Jen, too. I feel so bad cuz I forgot to call and wish Sandy and Jen a happy birthday. I got a typical teasing response out of Larry for it, too. He goes, “It’s not my birthday. So I don’t give a fuck.”

Larry had some computer questions for Tom, so they talked for a while, then after, I teased both Larry and Sandy about their weather, I talked to Jen for a while. It’s amazing how mature and articulate she sounds. I know I’m talking to a child when I talk to her, but I don’t feel like I’m talking to a child when we talk. Anyway, Jen’s expressed interest in the mice we have, so maybe she’ll get some of her own. She asked me some questions about them. We both agree that hamsters can be cute, but all they do is sleep. Mice are cute to watch, but GPs are something you can cuddle and that fit in your hand and on your shoulder really well. Bunny’s too big.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 6, 1998 Those anonymous calls were freeloader-related as I suspected. As I said, there were two calls over the weekend where they left a couple of quick messages. I could hear them talking to each other (a guy and a girl) but couldn’t make out what was being said. The girl was Hispanic and if the guy wasn’t too, he was black. I got up at 5 PM and an hour earlier there was a message where this female says, “I’ll be calling you back.” Then at 8:00, the freeloader leaves a message and she says, “Tom’s white trash for saying he’s a KKK member and a racist and that we’re no better than them,” then she said something about God, then hung up (yeah, it always comes down to God for them).

Tom never did or would say this, of course, as he has not one bigoted bone in his body and is certainly not affiliated with the KKK.

I set the Caller ID up to reject anonymous calls, so if the freeloader wants to call, she’s gonna have to leave her number. It was a definite black voice, but it wasn’t the bitch herself. Of course she’d get someone else to do her dirty work for her, as far as calls go.

I didn’t tell Tom about these calls cuz first of all, I forgot to tell him about the ones that came over the weekend and secondly, why add to his worries if I can spare him? Until and if there’s a need for him to know about it, I won’t tell him for now.

Do they have some detective friend who got my prints off the letter? Did they have a hidden camera that caught me throwing the bottle? I don’t think so, so what makes them so sure it’s me without any proof? The cops don’t do shit about threatening letters. They wouldn’t get prints, cuz you know how cops are. They wait till someone does something to physically hurt someone before they really take action. What is it that makes them so sure it’s me? Or Tom? Any idiot could get our names/number, but I still wonder how they’re so sure it’s us? And you know what? They’re gonna get away with it. All the music, the calls, any harassment or shit they dish out to us, they’re gonna get away with. Only I have to pay. God hasn’t seen that I pay for the letter/bottle yet, but he will. If it isn’t by going to court, it’ll be by something else.

I hate being so trapped by these people, but that’s exactly what I am! If I send mail or do something to their property, I have to pay in court or by them harassing me all the more at some point. If I beat them up, I get arrested or maybe shot by one of their psycho friends. There’s no winning here or getting them off my ass. I have no choice but to live with whatever they do, but me? I can’t do shit, cuz if I do, I have to pay and get hell for it. Fuck these people! Fuck these mother-fucking people! I wish they’d drop dead! It’s obvious now that these fucking city bums are gonna do everything they can to hang onto that house for as long as they can, so we will be stuck with them till we move. When we get closer to September, we’ll see what happens then, but I see myself stuck with them for a long time, unfortunately. He hasn’t been around for nearly a week (I wish I could say they had that final fight and will never be together again, but he’ll be back) and that’s what the music was about last Saturday. He always lets me know there’s a change to come. He was telling me he was leaving. But like I said, he’ll be back. And when he returns, I can only imagine just how bad the music situation will be. It’s the calm before the storm that we’re in right now, but in time, there’ll be plenty of music and barking when the new dog gets here. The only reason there’s not as much activity going on over there lately is that it’s winter.

Later…

Here we are at that dreaded weekend! I’m sure he’ll return this weekend too, and will let me know it. Then next weekend will be even worse, cuz that’s a 3-day weekend, although a lot of people will still have to work on Monday.

Since I set up an anonymous call reject, the bitch’s friends that have been calling will go do something else, I’m sure, cuz I really doubt they’ll have the guts to expose their number. I’ll probably get my share of hate mail next, but that ought to be interesting. In fact, I hope I do get something in the mail, cuz that’s tangible evidence I could use if we do go to court, although it’s pretty much non-admissible in court. Still, it’d be interesting to have, even if it’s not too helpful.

Speaking of pain in the asses that I gotta deal with - these cats have taken advantage of my hospitality enough, and once they run out of food, that’s it. They’re on their own to fend for themselves. They’re an extra cost that we didn’t ask for, since they’re just strays, and they bang and climb on the screen door to get attention and it’s really a distraction.

For now, I’m done playing the video caption game where I create new photos for my screensaver program. It’s time-consuming, too, to do just a few of them. Anyway, I got about 8 new ones of Gloria I made, and 4 or so more Norah ones. I printed some out, too.

Got the package from my parents to wake up to and this one really went over as a big hit with me.

Fuck! I think the freeloader’s back already. Yeah, leave it to him to return on a Friday night, so I can listen to him blast in and out 4-6 times on both Saturday and Sunday. God, get rid of this mother-fucker!

Anyway, they sent a wooden flowerpot arrangement and a wooden mini birdhouse with bees and flowers on it. Those, I have in the kitchen.

They sent a nice pair of beige ankle-high boots with silver studs around the ankles, a really nice night light with a piano and musical notes, and a flag too gorgeous to go outside. It’s also of a piano and musical notes and it’ll get hung inside somewhere.

They sent their latest flag catalog which seems to get thicker and thicker each time and is filled with plenty of new drawing ideas. I really loved some of the wind sockets they have now. Also, they have a really nice new cactus/desert scene and sculpted flags. Out of the sculpted ones, I really liked the one of the cats that hangs from the flagpole.

And lastly, they sent two really cute little felt and feather mice. One’s gray and one’s white, but both have pink ears and multi-colored feathers for tails. I have them on top of the monitor.

So it was really nice of them to send stuff I like and a theme of mice and music sure is me!

Speaking of mice, the oldest babes are really moving around now and just starting to open their eyes and eat solid foods.

I got a stamp catalog that I ordered from the post office, but it’s not very entertaining. Nothing too exciting in it.

God’s still doing his thing and right on time too, cuz Tom has a cold. I thought my not smoking was supposed to cure him of all his colds and sexual problems. I guess not (we screwed yesterday and it was nice, but he’s not the only one who didn’t cum). Right at mid-cycle, too, as if something up there wants to pretend there’s this big pregnancy to dodge. Well, this will be the easiest cold for me to deal with cuz I’m not so worried about losing out on sex and a child. It’s OK now. We have to take care of his Mary, Ma, her house, my teeth, and our moving plans. That’s enough and as Tom says - I’ve got a full plate.

Evie responded to the email I sent offering me a ride to Parker’s birthday party. I told her I’d be tied up too, and she said that David has to work (as well as Tom), and it’ll just be all women. Well, I can’t relate to these women. I have nothing in common with them and I don’t want to go there just to feel like an outcast and have nothing to say while they talk about their kids. All I mainly know is music, art and rodents. Not motherhood/children.

Later…

I’ve been hearing a shitload of car stereos off in the distance. Hey, it’s Friday night. They’re cruising the city everywhere.

Tom’s still asleep. He went to bed shortly after I got up. I got up at around 2 PM.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 4, 1998 Couldn’t sleep, so I thought I’d write. The more I think about Andy, the more irked I get. I appreciate the coffee coupons he took the time to clip and bring over to me, but he has become so fucking selfish (in a different kind of way than he was in Springfield)! I just never thought he’d become such a pest! He comes over here on a weekend which he knows I don’t prefer (although I should’ve said something) and he’s got to eat everything he sees, as usual. He sees me eating a carrot, so he’s gotta have it. He sits down next to all my gum, he’s gotta have some, too (a whole pack). He’s gotta have some popcorn and some coffee and then he asked if I’d give him the digital scale since we got a dial one. Yeah sure, I said. Then he said he should’ve taken my offer when I offered him extra mugs since he’s got two roommates now. So I gave him 4 old mugs I’ll never use again.

Oh well. I guess Andy will be Andy while I’ll be me. I still love and care about him as much as I may bitch about him. He is my best friend. He’s also so much like family since we grew up knowing each other.

So much for printing out purple text. All I can get right now is black and blue. I think this color cartridge is fucked up. It fucking figures, huh?

Right now I’m in a questionable mood. I’m not in a bad mood and I’m not in a good mood. I have things I look forward to living for and experiencing, then I have things I’m not the least bit anxious to live with. As I said, never having a baby gets easier to deal with over time, and I know God has his reasons for feeling I’m both incompetent and not deserving of a child and perhaps he’s right. That still doesn’t mean that every now and then for the rest of my life, I won’t wonder what it would’ve been like to carry and have that child. I still wonder, though, will we ever seek a doctor’s help for this situation? I can’t see it. And how many have this double whammy, too, with problems with both sex and sterility? Isn’t it usually one or the other if you’re one of those unfortunate ones to have a problem in the first place?

It’s still pretty windy out there and we had a bit of rain, but it’s a nothing storm. I wouldn’t even classify it as a storm, but just a little bit of wind and rain.

I’m also wondering about the bitch next door too, and what she’s gonna do next. Will she try again to take legal action against me? Or will she have her boytoy harass me with his music? Or maybe have Loverboy and the kid vandalize us? Well, if they do that, and I catch them, they’re dead meat.

I did a baby count last night and if I remember correctly, there are 34 babies. Counting the adults, we’ve got 42 mice altogether. That’s a lot!

Well, I’d stay and write more little tidbits of stuff, but my eyes are now beginning to close on me. I should wake up to a package from my parents tomorrow. Packages always come before I’m fully awake, anyway! I hope I don’t wake up to any court people knocking, that’s for sure.

Later…

Just got up and had my daily allergy fit. God, I’m so sick of this shit! I had hoped that the rain would clean the air and it did somewhat, but I disagree with Tom. I know the pollution has had a big play on my allergies, but I think it’s more the mice. Sorry, God, I’m not giving them up. You can make me pay for them, but I’m not giving them up. Not the ones I don’t want to give up, anyway. At least this is how I feel now, but if I decide further down the road to give in to God and let him win and control me out of having a lot of mice, I’ll just keep Ziggy, Cocoa, Tanner and Patch.

Still no freeloader next door, and it looks like I was right with my 3 shot guess. I don’t think anyone tried to serve me yesterday. I think the last shot was on Monday. That bitch is gonna take the news hard, I’m sure. Like I said, though, I think she’ll try again. Dragging me into court would be worth her money and she can’t say for sure who sent that letter and who threw that bottle, so who better to blame than me? I wonder how she can afford, it though, but I guess she could on subsidized housing. I’m sure I could’ve come up with that fee when I was in Carabetta. If she can’t raise the dough herself, she’ll use him or someone else for the money.

I’m having my coffee now, then it’s off to brush my teeth and take a shower.

Later…

I knew that the freeloader’s absence was to be short-lived. It’s back. I just heard a car door, but at least it was just one not-so-loud car door and not a million slams with music included. That’s just so far, though, cuz I know they’ll be acting up any time now. I don’t know if they know yet that I haven’t been served, but they’re gonna be pretty pissed when they found out I haven’t been. This weekend, I’m sure, will be filled with plenty of reminders that I have to live with them practically attached to us.

Still haven’t showered yet, so I’m gonna go get that over with.

Later…

No mail regarding the freeloaders. Anyway, I showered and all that and will straighten my hair as soon as it dries. I changed the bird’s cage, and he’s already trashed his food again. Why does a bird have to throw their food around their cage when they go to eat? The pigeons don’t do that. Maybe it’s cuz this bird doesn’t like me (he senses I’m not a big fan of birds). Well, the cats are just as messy when they eat as they’d be if they ate indoors. Instead of taking a bite of food from their bowl and eating it, they have to take that bite, drop it on the ground, then eat it from there. It used to piss me off how Shadow would needlessly dirty up the floor when he’d eat.

I got up earlier than UPS typically delivers and am now wide awake, so that means I most definitely won’t get my package today. I’m sure I will tomorrow, though, when I sleep later. That way, it can come before I’ve had a chance to get up and get woken up. I always end up opening it before I’m fully awake, though, cuz the suspense always kills me. It’s hard to tell myself I’ll get woken up first, while I sit and stare at a package and wonder what’s in it.

Later…

My weight’s been hanging in the mid-120s for a while now, so I expect it to go up any second now.

I’m psyched at the idea of making my own journals. Tom said he’s found everything I need to do that with, except for where they sell the wires to bind the papers with. He’ll find that out, though, cuz the journal companies themselves did. They have to have a supplier somewhere. Anyway, as psyched as I am about it, what am I gonna do with all that extra time (writing in the draft copies was time-consuming and God isn’t gonna give me a kid to fill my time with)? I guess I’ll take Tom’s advice and do more than just text when we get a new word processor. I can do illustrations, clipart, photos, etc. I can also make up that writing time by doubling or tripling my typing time. I have a gigantic hard drive in the computer I use, anyway, and it’s not even compressed.

Boy, does my hair feel much healthier straightened! It’s when it’s left curly that it feels so straw-like.

It’s still windy and cool out there and I wonder if we’ll get more rain. I’d think so from the way it’s looking out there.

I think I’ll go web cruising now.

Later…

I may do some singing in a little while and when I do, hopefully I won’t sound like I still smoke. It’s a real bummer that I have to have other problems now that I don’t smoke. I was not only sure that quitting would clear my nose, which it didn’t, I was sure my skin would no longer be leathery dry and that the ridges in my nails would smooth out, but I was wrong.

I think I’ll go do the dishes before they pile up again, and have some popcorn, too.

Later…

Now it’s really raining out there. Saw a bit of lightning and heard a bit of thunder, too. Of course our back room is leaking in the corner. There were 4 spots that would leak and Tom was only able to fix 3 of them. He’s gonna put some more sealer on the roof, but meanwhile, we’ll probably just hire someone to repair this goddamn roof.

I just left Andy a message and asked him to tell me how the phone card deal works and where to get them. That’s what he wants for his birthday, so he can go call friends and family out of state and talk those people’s ears off. I guess the price depends on how many minutes’ worth you buy. He’d take a year’s worth if he could, but I asked him to tell me what he’d reasonably prefer and where the best place to buy the cards would be.

I hope it doesn’t rain too much longer, cuz the leak is dripping fast.

Later…

God, I’m soooo pissed! I’m so fucking sick of this leaky roof deal! I’m sick and tired of having to play bucket and towels! Tom said he’s sorry, he forgot. Well, of course he forgot. If I were too busy fixing other people’s houses, I’d tend to forget what needed to be fixed in my own house, too. Like I said, his family’s houses and medical conditions come first.

Later…

Tom’s taking a shower now and then we’re going to screw for the first time in nearly two weeks. Again, I’m not in the mood, not that I won’t at least spread my legs for him. I wonder why my appetite’s dwindled like it has. Also, I question just how much I really want to trade in my freedom for a baby and I’m not sure it’s as much as it used to be, but I can’t complain. I thank God it’s not as big a deal to me as it once was and as it could be. Anyway, if I don’t mention the sterility, the doctors, etc., he won’t.

David and Evie sent an invitation to Parker’s first birthday party. Boring! Besides, Tom has to work that night. So I emailed Evie (both of their email addresses were on their return address label) and told her we couldn’t make it and that I set things up so she can email me directly. I added her to my list.

Tom confirmed that I guessed right - this color cartridge is defective. Do you know how rare that is? It figures, too, that I’d be the one to get a fucked up cartridge, but hey, rare is me. Tom will pick me up a new one and a black one, too. He’s also gonna look at Velcro leg weights that Sears has and their phone cards. We can maybe get Andy two 40-minute cards for $10 each. Anyway, the weights that I have are primarily wrist weights, but they have these really comfortable Velcro leg weights that I want. I began working out again figuring that if I didn’t lose weight or inches, and I’m sure I won’t, it’ll at least make me feel better. Most of my work and hobbies are done sitting down. This way, I can be more active.

We know of two places in Phoenix that sell Play City stuff, the brand of pet stuff we use. We’re gonna see if Play City has a website so we can find out if they have other distributors around here. I want to pick up a couple of purple Snap-On wheels. They don’t work as great, but I think the mice will like them.

I had said twice but didn’t, that I’d quit getting them wine coolers. No, I’m not addicted. It’s just like with coffee - I could give up coffee forever, but wouldn’t want to. I still do intend to return to never drinking, but rather than do it abruptly, I’ll do it little by little.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 3, 1998 I’m lying low right now, cuz the civil court server may be here any time now. He may try well after 5:00, figuring I don’t get home till then. Yesterday Tom said he put a card on the door saying to call him in order to avoid any inconvenience later. Oh, I’m really scared of being inconvenienced! Tom just left the card there, though, to make it look like no one’s gotten it. We don’t use the front door, anyway.

That really was packing sounds I heard after all. He hasn’t been there since Saturday, so all’s been peaceful. No music, no door slamming. He’ll be back anytime, though, and I know they’ll torment me with music and other things at some point, too.

A part of me wondered if the dog disappearing could be cuz of the city letter. Maybe they came out in person about it and she told them he just visits. Meanwhile, they saw the dog and told her to lose it. And now, could he be hiding out while she’s going through her legal troubles? I doubt that one, though, cuz this would be between us in court. The city would have no cause to come out to the house for this. Tom said that as far as the dog, the people who tore up their yard and replaced their main line could’ve seen droppings, or someone who came over to check or repair something else could’ve. That makes more sense if she didn’t plan to have the dog just for a little while, cuz if she felt I caused him to lose that dog, she’d make up something to drag me into court for. I told you she’s been waiting for the chance to jump out at me. There’s no proof whatsoever that I was behind this bottle thing, yet she’s blaming me anyhow.

Well, Tom’s been finding out some good news and maybe, just maybe, we can move in less than two years. The price of an acre isn’t nearly as costly as we thought it’d be. At $400 an acre, we can use our stock money to get the land ASAP. Then we could either get a mobile home till we build the house we want. Or we can get a home assembly kit that enables you to put together a house in just a couple of days till we build the house we want.

Tom got a certificate today for processing 23 million checks! That’s a lot. He also got a gym bag and a denim cap.

Later…

I just got done listening to music for a half-hour or so, so if anyone came to the door, I don’t know about it.

Boy, is that barometer way down. I’ve never seen it so low. It’s cloudy and windy now, but are we in for that big of a storm? I just hope that whatever it does helps the pollution. It’s been awful! Worst I’ve ever dealt with during winter out here. My allergies have been miserable. Last night my nose was so stopped up and sneezy that I thought I had a cold. Singing was like old times. It’s like God just wants me to suffer one way or the other. If I don’t use cigarettes to aggravate my lungs, he sticks me with more allergy problems than I’ve ever had out here. Tom says he thinks it’s 80% pollution and 20% mice. Well, if it is the mice, I’m not gonna give in to him and get rid of them. See what I mean, though? I not only have to pay for every little thing I do wrong, but I have to pay for any happiness, too. If I had to pay with such bad allergies for the mice, imagine what I’d have had to have paid if a doctor could’ve enabled me to have a child?! He’d break my legs for it if he didn’t do something to Tom or to the baby and have it born with its hands where its feet were supposed to be or its nose where its ear was supposed to be.

I forgot to mention one other part of Andy’s trip to L.A. He went with his roommate Gary, Michelle, and her butch pal Chris. So there were 4 of them. Andy’s always been fascinated with Charles Manson and his “family.” So they went to the home of Sharon Tate, an actress who was murdered there at 8 months pregnant. It was a new home, though, and it was in a slightly different spot, but Andy recognized a certain tree that was still there from pictures taken of the crime scene. They saw a Jewish name on the mailbox and saw that there was mail in it, too. They left the mail alone but stuck in one of my wacky notes I periodically make up for him to distribute. He said that the house seemed like it was partly under construction. The front door was unlocked (I guess the residents figured no one would have the guts to go into a place where there were several grisly murders) and Andy and Chris went in and Andy played on the baby grand piano that was there. He also stuck a note of mine in the bench with the sheet music that was there.

Later…

I think someone was watching me from out back just now. I went out to chase that bitch of a cat off and their back patio light was on. A few minutes later, though, it was off and I thought I smelled cigarette smoke. I don’t know about that one for sure, but I do know that the cock smokes. I don’t know if the cock is even there, though, so maybe it was the bitch and maybe the bitch smokes. Or the teenager. But I just got a feeling that I was being watched, not that I give a rat’s ass. I mean, it’s not gonna change my life one way or another if they do watch me.

Sure is windy out now! But Bunny doesn’t mind. I stepped out to see if he wanted to come in, but nope. I don’t know how much rain, thunder or lightning will go with this wind, but we’ll see.

Later…

OK, at nearly a quarter after 8:00 at night, I’d say no one’s come out today unless they came when I was listening to music. That means that now we gotta wait and see if they’ll pay another fee for 3 more shots at me, or if they’ll drop it and go about things as they normally do, or if they’ll drop it and start even more shit.

I could be wrong, and it’d be nice if I were, but I think the freeloader’s back. I thought I heard car doors, but it’s hard to tell with the wind.

There was a local number on the caller ID box when I got up. The origin of it was unavailable. I tried to call it, with our number blocked, but all it did was ring. So I don’t know about this and the two anonymous calls that came during the weekend.

Later…

Tom is up now. I showed him how I was typing my next 4 journals, even though they’re ruled. It sure was hard to size up my margins to fit these pages. It took several tries. I’ll be using different colors, too. I thought I’d go with purple for this book, pink for the next, then cyan and green, all with bold or larger entry dates.

Yesterday was the first time in ages that we had time for sex, but I didn’t take the opportunity. I don’t know what it is with me lately, but I just don’t seem to have much of an appetite these days. Tom gave me the signal - he said he was going to go lie down. I laid down, too, as I usually do, but kept my clothes on. I just couldn’t get in the mood.

We did have a nice talk, though. He told me he was concerned that if we go to a doctor and it’s found out that I’m perfectly OK and the problem is him, how will I react? Will I blame him? Certainly not, I told him. It’s when I get suspicious that he’s lying to me and holding back on his true feelings about having a child, that I have a problem with. But he feels that I blame him for all kinds of things that are out of his control. Even things like the weather. That’s being a bit paranoid and sensitive, and I told him that. A part of me wishes it was him with the problem and not me. Guys are easier to fix, cuz they’re on the outside. We women are on the inside. I still think, though, that the problem is both of us. I think it’s mental for him and physical for me. I still acknowledge the fact, too, that he may not know he has a problem. It still could be all in his subconscious.

Later…

We finally got some rain going out there. The kittens are out there now trying to get me to come out and play with them, but it’s just too chilly. I got quite a surprise as I opened the door one time, though. As I opened it, a cat fell down in front of me. White Feet was more than halfway up the inside of the screen door, the little devil! He dropped to the ground as soon as I opened the door, though, and ran. We never have the screen door shut tight, so that’s how they can get inside it.

I had been sending Bob my drafts for quite a while. You know, the system I’ve been using for ages where I type a page or two, print it out, then copy it into my written journals. I’d send the pages to him once I’d copied them. Anyway, since I have an envelope and a few pages set aside to go to Bob, and since I’m not gonna be doing drafts in the usual fashion for a while, I’ll just use those pages and print out a bunch of bull for him. Maybe old excerpts from Springfield journals.

I guess I wore the cats out. they’re quiet now. Good. I can concentrate better.

Anyway, Tom’s gonna be off to work real soon and I’m getting pretty tired. I’ve got to get back with the proofreading, so maybe I’ll do that till I crash.

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 1, 1998 Freeloader update - since I last wrote, I only heard music once at a so-so volume. He did come and go 4-6 times a day as is usually the case on weekends, but all I heard, except for that one time of music, was car doors. At one point, it sounded like he was packing something into the car before leaving. Anyway, the day’s still young, and I’m sure they’ll give me some sort of shit to listen to.

I guess the courts don’t serve summons on weekends, cuz no one came to the door yesterday.

That lady who took the mice did return our cage, so that’s nice.

Also, I remembered that Tammy said Mark owned his own business, but I couldn’t remember what she said he did till I asked her again. He’s a sharpener. I asked her if he’s sharpened her brain. She said he’s trying to.

I’m really ready to wring Mary’s neck! I swear to God, something not only wants me to not have my husband full-time, but Mary wants to kill him. First it’s her car and now it’s a pipe in the bathroom that Ma’s gonna be using when she finally moves in there. He said he’d better take care of it cuz they don’t know what they’re doing. Well, why’d Mary get a house then? If you don’t know how to handle and maintain a house, you shouldn’t have one and you shouldn’t depend on others to maintain it, either. Dave and Mary should take care of their own house or get their own mechanic and repairman. He’s got to work tonight. Don’t they know this? Don’t they care? Or are they that selfish that they’d rather steal our time away from each other and take a chance of killing Tom than hire a plumber? This must be another reason God sterilized me; cuz he knew that Tom would have to drive them around and take care of their houses and cars. But if Mom and Mary weren’t my rivals and my competition for Tom, someone or something else would be. We’ll just never get to live our lives for us, will we? And this is all the more reason not to go to a fertility doctor, cuz even if they could fix me, I wanted a kid with him, not to raise by myself.

Later…

Oh, how frustrated, bummed and pissed I am! What a shitty day. The weekend’s been shot to hell, as much as I hate weekends anyway. It’s been over a week since I’ve even had sex with my husband. I said it’s OK to have a part-time sex life, I’m used to it, etc., but not this part-time. He said he agrees it’s been too long, but he can’t be that worried over it since he insists on being Mary’s caretaker. He still says it’s just the getting the preparations made and the moving done that’ll take time. Yeah, right! Even if she were moved at the snap of our fingers, we still have two houses to take care of for years (I know she’s not gonna sell that house and she’s giving us $200 a month to look out for it) and Mary or someone, will need him to do their work for them. And he still swears nothing could prevent us from the doctors or raising a kid and that he’d be there and all that crap, but it’s awfully hard for me to buy. It’s obvious that God wants us to take care of others and not live for what we want. So I told Tom, who still has to do more work for Mary cuz she’s too selfish to call a plumber, that if we can’t have a somewhat full-time sex life (and I know God won’t let me have that or my husband full-time), then we can’t have one at all. I’m sick of going back and forth here with this on-and-off sex life. I also refuse to go to a doctor until and if he can make the time for it (he knows too, that once you get started with that, there’s no turning back), we can’t go cuz it’d take at least 3 months for them to figure out what’s wrong with me. And that’s just half the battle. There’s still his infrequent cumming to deal with.

The other problem is Andy. Andy, Andy, Andy! He just won’t back off! First he was supposed to come yesterday, but he had to work later than planned, and today Marla, who he doesn’t talk too much, called. So, he was an hour late and he’s getting really damn obvious. I know he was deliberately late to piss me off. He says he doesn’t take my not wanting to talk to him every day personally, but I don’t know. Instead of him just picking a time to be here and being here at the agreed time, we have to play phone for 3 days leading up to it, then even longer, till he finally decides to come over. And how many times did I tell him weekends aren’t good? It’s like he’s trying to get my attention in person now that he can’t get it by phone.

Anyway, I told Andy all about what’s been going on here in general and he told me a million things, as I knew he would.

I told him all about the freeloaders and he understands that we use words that may be rather controversial, but we both know there’s good and bad in all kinds. We know there’s plenty of white trash out there too, but as I told Andy, don’t forget the racists that they themselves have created. In other words, what these sick fucks have done does not help put me in the mood to like blacks. Nonetheless, I’ll refer to them as I see fit to vent my steam.

Andy says he doesn’t know where Tom’s getting his information, but blacks do get terrorized by the KKK all the time. I know that there are enough hate crimes out there and that there always will be, but Tom said most people do like/accept blacks and that the KKK doesn’t run out doing violence against them; they just sit around and discuss their opinions. Whatever, though.

Andy also said that from what he can remember, the server fee was between $25-$50 and they try 2-3 times Then, it’s up to the complainant to either pay another server fee or try again, or to forget it. So, I think they’ve tried twice to serve me and that they may try again tomorrow.

So far, and to my utter amazement, they’ve been quiet today. My only question is, just what will they do when and if they just can’t seem to get me served?

I couldn’t believe it when I got up to find myself down to 120 pounds, but weight drops are always short-lived by me these days, and now I’m 125. Isn’t that sick? To gain 5 pounds in one day? If my metabolism gets any slower, I won’t have a metabolism left.

So Andy brought me coffee coupons and told me all about telling Quinn off and taking control over him for a change. He also told Quinn - you want your dick sucked - fine, but you gotta pay me $20 for it.

He told me about the convention and seeing Xena and other people from the cast.

He too, is having neighbor trouble, and I wish we could swap neighbor trouble, although his isn’t any fun, either. Apparently, some guy, who’s the city’s neighborhood snitch, is complaining about all the surrounding houses around him, including Andy’s. He complains about the yard and stuff like that. This guy repairs and sells TVs from his house, too, which he isn’t zoned for, so when Andy and others figured out it was this guy who was complaining, he called the city to complain about his TV deal. The lady said things that suggested she knew about his business, and said she’d get someone out to investigate, but never did. So, Andy’s gonna go above her to get this guy from having so many cars coming in and out, as well as to get even. And God will let him get away with getting even, too, even if I got even differently. Although I don’t know if I’d call what I did getting even. They aren’t stressed out about me. They never worry if I’ll wake them up. They never worry that I’ll be noisy for hours.

Remember I said I had that talk with God about making me pay for what I did if someone must pay for it? Well, I still wouldn’t be surprised if God saw me in a courtroom and through stress and noise from these freeloaders, but so far, I have gained weight, as I said I’d take from him. I told him please, no court, no vandalism or music from them. Give me the weight gain, the continuing sterility, and problems that would be on me. Well, the weekend was stolen from my husband and I, the snout on the water jug in the fridge broke and sort of flooded the kitchen, today was a boring day waiting on and listening to Andy, and there’s been more. I lost part of a document, too. As annoying as these things are and as much as they may make me want to tear the hair out of my head, if this is what I must take if I don’t want court or more shit from them, so be it. But like I said, we’ll see what happens. It’s way too soon to tell and I’m kind of vibeless right now. Speaking of vibes, Tom acknowledged I was right on my vibe about Mary. I told him after he fixed the car that there’d be something new. She needs computer work done, plumbing done, car work done. She’s a sweetheart and I really adore her, but she and Dave just won’t fend for themselves!

Tom said he always believed/knew I was psychic. He said he just didn’t know how much credibility to give it. That depends on how strong the vibe/vision is, I told him.

Spot had her babies and it looks like they’re all done. So now we can separate the males once they’re a bit older. On the 19th we’ll pick the males out of the oldest litters.

The kittens are really turning into cats, too.

My mom’s having a rough time of it now. She has spinal stenosis. There’s no cure for it, but she’s in therapy for the pain. She also has to use needles for diabetes.

Got a letter from Kim. She and Walter are done cuz he doesn’t want kids. Typical male.

[christmasintheloonybin]

I need to go meet people or something. literally where do you go to meet people? bars are not my scene, I went to a bar once, I didn't even go alone I went with someone, well I met Agnes there. and I just ended up feeling so depressed. every time I meet people it just makes me depressed. strangers I mean. Agnes was drunk by the time I got there and it made me angry. also she was socializing well and it made me angry. all of her friends got on my nerves and back then I was probably not discrete about it.

but moving forward, in general what do you even talk about? like with strangers. especially in a situation where you have nothing to go off of. I met this girl once because she was friends with that childhood of mine who's nonbinary now, and that was maybe the one good interaction I've ever had in my life with a complete stranger because we could talk about our common friend and go from there. like if you're sitting with someone at a bus stop or something, what the fuck are you supposed to say? and at shows and shit it feels contrived or something to say, idk, "you like this band?" obviously. people have done this to me and it pisses me off. when attractive people do it to me it doesn't I guess. but I have no clue how attractive I am. it depends on the day I guess. but still it's contrived and it's a stupid thing to say. or the intention is so fucking obvious, "I want to talk to you" why? because I think youre cute? because you're fashionable? because I want to fuck you? the intention can only be misread. and any time a situation has emerged where I could talk to a complete stranger it passes and it's gone. for example, there was a show, the circle jerks show which I did not go to because I was depressed or whatever. and I saw this girl walking wearing the shirt but I was in a restaurant with my grandmother. so this is pathetic, after eating I just walked around town hoping I would see her and we could talk about hardcore. I am very fucking lonely. and I didn't want to fuck her or anything, it's sort of a creepy thing to do but my intentions were pure I just wanted to talk about hardcore. that's the thing too, in the majority of situations I have nothing to contribute I am only interested in what I'm interested in, the thing I see a lot, especially with men, is that people will just talk. they'll just say something, they have no background or opinion they'll just fill silence. when I have nothing to say my lips are sealed. I meet someone what the fuck are we supposed to talk about? thr weather? I could just start talking about one of my autistic obsessions but who wants to hear that? no one. and especially with normies I mean I'm sure a lot of them are really cool interesting people, but what the fuck are you supposed to go off of. "I like your clothes they're just like everyone else's clothes, I like your hair it's just like everyone else's hair, and your shoes too, very normal choices." I always figured because, well I'm not like a fucking tik tok girl or something, but I don't dress like a normie, I always figured if I went to a city or something people would just come up and talk to me. but that's not how it is. that's one of the reasons I used to wear band shirts all the time. like please someone just fucking talk to me. about the fucking cure or whatever I do not care.

[myrfing]

also the idea that you can't get to "know someone" or you can't learn anything about someone from small talk and everything to know about someone can only be received through verbal spoonfed manual in your language of choice is so like. come the fuck on. I assure you someone saying "lovely weather we're having" waiting in line with you is possibly as much as an interesting person than someone who asks about your favorite characters or whatever. like just because they're not talking about you they're not making a bid for connection? you think the weather has nothing to do with anything? you think how hot or cold or sunny skies or foggy days or clear nights or rainclouds has no relevance in people's lives and that it can't lead to you learning about what they do, where they grew up, what they like, what inspires them, what gets them down.....I'm shaking ppl on here like a can of corn nuts it's like you guys never moved on from the 14 year old "Im an #introvert and I hate small talk" shit except now it's saying it's all about ableism GROW UPPPP

[campyvillain]

so you want to get into nerves/eptg/“the tumblr beabigshot arg”

so some of you might see me posting about something called ever play this game, which is an unfiction arg type thing i started when i reached 10k, but the thing about args is that not a lot of people can be there for every drop of info on them.

so i’ve done the job of compiling every major story beat up until the most recent update - the “ranvier blog’s unread messages update” (december 4th) that broadly sums up the story so far just so ppl who aren’t caught up can get the gist. it’s pretty long but it does do a good job catching you up to speed if you missed most of the updates and just want to be in on kaz’s weird game story.

PROLOUGE

the story is at first framed through the lens of everplaythisgame, a blog run by someone named ron.

after his mother passed under undisclosed circumstances, ron found a mysterious old game in the attic of her house. the only device he owns with access to the internet is a computer.

ron also states that he doesn’t remember much of his mom, only that she was there. ron’s mother is pretty much a mystery to him.

the game itself has no presence online, and it appears that there is only one copy of it. when ron asked about it to a lost media forum, he was ip banned from the site.

ron made the original everplaythisgame with the intention of seeking down any user on the site who had info about the game. the game itself goes by the name of Nerves, and is described as an archaic point and click adventure game. when the blog was originally made, ron had only gotten a little bit of the way into the game and described it as “weird”.

Nerves also takes a lot of time to run on ron’s computer, more than a game of its type should.

when persuaded to show visuals from the game, ron opens the game, reaches the main menu, but when he presses the “continue” button, an error screen shows up.

the error screen is a crudely drawn picture of a new character called ranvier (he/she/they/it). ranvier’s name is plastered all over the error, and they mock ron. shortly after, a blog in ranvier’s namesake, ranvieranvieranvier, is made, and ranvier escapes from the limits of the game’s code and becomes a sentient being on ron’s computer, as conveyed by her having her own blog.

the game crashes, and ranvier starts posting to her aforementioned blog.

ranvier’s posts consist mostly about bragging about herself, trash talking ron, and drawing crude picture of herself in mspaint. ranvier types frantically and in all-caps, and cycles through emotions unpredictably. she seems to think she is above everyone. she particularly likes going on long tangents about how much she hates humanity and hates everything in general, specifically ron and someone named “axon”. hate is deeply tied to ranvier’s character. she also likes hot weather and talks at length about liking “hot things”. in addition, she is heavily linked to the color pink, and whenever pink text comes up, it has something to do with her. ron finds out ranvier gained sentience after a picture she made of herself gets cross posted from her blog to the everplaythisgame blog, and after ron’s computer overheats, ron talks to ranvier directly.

in this conversation ron threatens to put ranvier in the computer’s recycling bin, and he soon enacts this threat.

while the action made ron’s computer stop overheating and stopped his computer from lagging, ranvier still has access to his own blog, ranvieranvieranvier, from inside the recycling bin, wherein he posts about feeling “cold”, and feeling in pain in general. after askers tell ron that ranvier appears to be a living being going through actual agony, ron relents and offers to let ranvier out of the trash can.

at first ranvier promises to help, saying that they’ll aid in the process and become apart of the game again. while ron isn’t convinced at first, he ultimately decides to let her out. ron then goes to sleep.

the next morning ron awakes to find ranvier has posted more on her own blog, talking about how she feels restricted in a poem and having made a weird video. knowing ranvier promised to behave and said she’d let ron put her back in the game, ron does exactly that - placing ranvier back in the game’s files as she said she would allow him to do. it soon becomes apparent though that ranvier only said this to save face, and it turns out that the act of putting ranvier back into the copy of nerves ron owns has adverse effects on ranvier, mainly removing a major aspect of her sentience as she’s been “reincorporated” into the game, and oddly enough, totally wiping her presence from the game itself. ranvier posts about how she knows she’s being erased, but ron can’t seem to see her posts anymore. it’s also alluded to that ranvier’s character being wiped shouldn't be something that happens in the game normally, and according to the posts she makes, someone is behind her removal.

but in the end, ranvier being reimplemented from ron’s pc back into nerves seems to be a success. so much so that ron can’t find her character file anymore. ranvier stops posting to their blog.

soon, we get introduced to a new key player - someone by the name of alex (he/they).

alex is not a character in the game, but someone from the outside world. another human being like ron. they reveal that they “know what’s going on with the game”, and while ron is suspicious at first, his doubts are quelled when he reveals that he actually playtested it himself in the year 1989, but was sent a copy with no return address and doesn't know what happened with ron’s mother. however, alex does say that he’ll be willing to help ron in navigating the game, and that he has notes on how it works lying around somewhere, but that he needs to look for them.

after they talk privately, ron reveals to the people following the everplaythisgame blog that alex has befriended him, and that alex even made his own blog to make the flow of information between them easier to exchange. alex’s blog goes by the name of alex198932.

in his writings, it’s apparent that alex is new to the internet. he types in the same way an older person would, capitalizing the first letter of every word, speaking in a generally kind if hard to understand way, and using emojis frequently, often followed by some kind of variation of “peace and love”. he doesn’t understand a lot about how the internet works, making typos frequently and having to ask ron for help sometimes. he says he made his own blog to “look at pretty pictures” too, and seems to like horses a lot, as well as animals and other kinds of nature. he has a heavy connection to love, and is associated with the color green, with green text being linked to him.

ron also reveals that alex has allowed him to share the chat logs between them to the everplaythisgame blog so that the game may be found easier. however only one of these logs ever gets shown.

in this log multiple things are revealed - that alex is still looking for the aforementioned notes, that alex has “weird hands” making it harder to type, how alex lives on a farm, that ron isn’t exactly 100% trustworthy of alex, and that alex - oddly enough - has no idea that ranvier exists, and has no clue that any of the games characters can be sentient at all. ron still doesn’t really trust alex, but goes along, as he doesn’t have any other substantial leads and is clearly desperate.

then, things take a turn.

later on, on the everplaythisgame blog, ron states that everything alex told him was a lie. alex was never a real person and was instead another sentient character in the game. there were never any notes, and there was never a second copy of nerves in existence. essentially, alex lied about just about anything, though as of this point alex’s intentions for this were unclear.

unexpectedly, ranvier comes back.

ranvier starts posting again for a brief while, telling of how alex is a “liar” and how she had to fight to get her sentience back. during this, ranvier still has some consciousness of the state they're in remaining, but as they post, whatever erased them before is doing it again. ultimately, they get wiped and their blog goes dark, but not before they hint that the “axon” they so vehemently hated before and the “alex” ron mentioned before are one in the same, and that alex/axon “gave ranvier something” that negatively impacted their existence, but what exactly this is isnt clear.

but then, something happens to ron. this event changes the entire trajectory of the story majorly.

at first ron’s frantic posts seem vauge and indecipherable, but through clues he gives us it’s determined that ron, somehow, is inside the game. exactly what happened beforehand to make this happen isnt known, but alex, or axon, too, has begun wiping him from his last existence and reincorporating him into the game just like ranvier. in the end, axon wins, with ron being trapped in the game with his memories reset, and the main area of the story kicks off - the story of the game these blogs have all been centered on.

NERVES GAME ARC

the story of the game nerves itself begins not focusing on ron or ranvier or axon, but on an entirely new character named within the game called cerebelle (she/her). cerebelle wakes up in bed, and doesn’t seem to have the self-awareness of axon or ranvier. the arc of the game itself takes place on the everplaythisgame blog in place of ron’s individual postings.

cerebelle is young, 13 years old to be exact, and sees the world through a positive lens. here she introduces us to some major components of the story - that she lives in a place called wheresville, that her mother is the mayor - calling her “mayormom” - and that her mom has never let her leave beyond the town’s walls (something she expresses she wishes she could change), that she plans on going to a place called “the zone” within wheresville on that particular day, and that the world of nerves has a defining mechanic all beings residing within it follow.

every character in nerves has what’s called a “gimmick”. cerebelle explains that gimmicks are core emotions that define a being's presence, for example those with happy gimmicks are ruled by their happiness and those with sad gimmicks have the same apply to them and so on. gimmicks will often impact a being’s existence severely, but cerebelle doesn't have a gimmick at all - at least not yet. this is something she takes great issue with as even all the younger kids in wheresville have gimmicks, and somehow she doesn’t, and for this she considers herself a bit of an outcast.

it’s also worth noting that this is why ranvier is so intertwined with the concept of hate and why axon is intertwined with the concept of love - even though they may be sentient, the rule of gimmicks still apply to them.

but cerebelle doesn’t know who either of those characters are - nor does she know who ron is - and when asked about their existence, she just insists the askers are “asking some pretty weird questions.”

then, while the everplaythisgame blog is on hiatus for a bit, ranvier’s blog is updated, but not by ranvier himself.

instead the posts are in the format of a message inbox, stating that whoever owns the inbox has 10 unread messages.

these messages are all written to a “president” of some kind from the hand of someone named mr. maxilla (he/him), another character in the game itself, but unlike cerebelle, mr. maxilla’s story is extremely grim and disconcerting.

from his writings to the “president”, it’s revealed that mr. maxilla is an entrepreneur of some sort, a kind of willy wonka walt disney esque individual, who was doing menial job-hopping working on machines before the president he speaks of found him, and partnered with him to allow him to build a presumed theme park. mr. maxilla writes at first with the typical theme park tycoon grandiosity while still being apparent that a part of him is insecure about his place in the world. but as the messages go on, mr. maxilla loses every part of his former self leaving him a shell of who he used to be.

to start, mr. maxilla thanks the president for their camaraderie and friendship, thanking them for the business opportunity they’ve given him as the owner of a successful theme park. the second one is mr. maxilla briefly apologizing to the president for seeming too eager to call him a friend.

on the topic of the president and mr. maxilla’s exact relationship, the specifics of it aren’t known as of yet, but from what maxilla states, he considers the president to be his friend, and will do practically anything for him at any time, expressing a distinct amount of fondness and dedication to him that certainly leaves it up to interpretation if mr. maxilla considers his relationship to the president as something more.

another thing is that “guilt” is mentioned a lot in these messages, and a lot of things occur that lead mr. maxilla to having to carry a massive amount of guilt with him. the relationship between mr. maxilla and his own guilt correlates to what we’ve been told from cerebelle of how gimmicks function, so going forward keep in mind that guilt is, in fact, what mr. maxilla’s gimmick is.

but besides that, in the next few letters, the president goes missing, causing mr. maxilla to begin his slide into insanity, as without the president’s guidance he has no idea what to do with his life. he locks himself in an unspecified secluded area of his own theme park, believing the reports that the president has gone missing without a trace to be “bullshit” as he puts it, believing that he is still out there. his writing style starts getting downright indecipherable as he spirals, but the course of events he alludes to go as follows.

after feeling consumed by guilt over the possibility that he could have resulted in the president’s disappearance - though he had nothing to do with it directly - using his knowledge of machinery, mr. maxilla builds an exact doppelgänger of the president that looks like him, not with the intentions of using it to “replace” him, but so mr. maxilla can pretend he’s still there. the body double is capable of replicating the sense of organic life, but even so mr. maxilla, not even in his state of mental instability, cant fool himself into thinking he’s brought the president back. the whole time throughout the message, he begs for the president to come back, pleading with him by saying he will gladly welcome him back and profusely apologizing in case something he did lead to his disappearance. before he closes, he says he’s going to try to tell the employees that work at the park of his plan to ultimately use the body double as a stand-in for the president.

then, in the next message, it’s told that something went horrifically wrong in the debriefing. the body double of the president attacked every cast member of the park aside from mr. maxilla, with the body double “unhinging it’s maw” and literally eating every staff member mr. maxilla had to the bone. while mr maxilla never said how many cast members were killed, it can be presumed that the incident resulted in a massive amount of fatalities, only worsening mr. maxilla’s prexisting guilt.

in the next message mr. maxilla says he managed to overtake the body double, saying he hid away the body double “somewhere”, but refusing to elaborate, not even to the president as he states he can’t risk anyone finding it, not after what he’s allowed to happen. he urges the president to come over and fix this, having resigned himself to close the gates of the park.

the second to last message contains mr. maxilla’s recounting of how he was horrifically battered and disfigured by someone who he “couldn’t find the face of”, aka someone he didn’t know, who trespassed upon the closed-down amusement park. even though the injury at the hands of this unknown attacker is described to be excruciatingly painful, with mr. maxilla likening how his body now resembled an animal tangled up in barbed wire and how “bodies aren’t supposed to bend”, he survived the attack and now has to live in a body that to him no longer resembles a human like form, but a puzzle.

the last message is mostly made up of the ramblings of a madman, mostly consisting of the phrase “happy birthday president” but throughout the tangent, there are letters highlighted in pink. and when put together, the letters spell out the name of a pre-existing character: the pink letters spell out the name of none other than ranvier themselves.

then, the inbox is emptied and its said that mr. maxilla “ceased conversation”, but if he is still alive or not has yet to be determined.

and there you have it - a summary of ever play this game’s storyline up to the most recent update. of course i missed some little things for the general purpose of broad summarization and so things didn’t get confusing, but as you have it, that’s where we are right now, with the unread messages plot point being the most recent update. but do keep in mind, this is only the beginning.

[dailytatsu]

Hello! I saw request were open so i was wondering if i could request some headcanons of the Archons and/or the Adepti meeting a God reader who is the God of Chaos and destruction. The reader is not a Archon tho and travels all over Teyvat cuz small bits of destruction were ever they go. They're pretty mischievous and somewhat smug but despite how they act they're actually a good person. They dont mean to cause problems(most of the time anyways) chaos follows them were ever they go. Idk if you have a character limit but if you do please tell me so i wont make a mistake again. And if there is you can just do Zhongli and Xiao. Optionally could you make them a dendro user, there not a lot of dendro content and if not thats fine. I understand. Could you make the reader Gn or Non-binary they/them pronouns please? If not male reader is totally fine. Im so sorry for the long post and I hope you have a good day/night!

Ohmy, it’s my first time just writing headcanons! I’m use to write a lot, so let’s hope I did it right (^ ^' )7

Thanks for the request! ✨

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[HC] God of Chaos! Reader and the Archons + Xiao

Characters: Zhongli, Xiao, Venti, Shogun Raiden (Ei).

Gn! Reader

I tried doing it with everyone but I’m no still that confident to try writing with some characters ＿|￣|○

Sorry for any mistakes!

Request are open!

Genshin Masterlist

Second part ->

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VENTI

To be honest, he didn't notice your presence at first. He had other concerns on his mind that day to perceive the chaotic (and slightly threatening) aura that Mondstadt was infected with that day.

Barbatos is a person of habit, so he couldn't help but be curious when the crowd in front of him began to look a little agitated instead of seeming to enjoy his lyre and his songs.

But then a series of domino events appeared in front of his very eyes.

The purity of the chaos was such that he felt overwhelmed, even without the white-haired boy around, if it wasn’t Bennett fault, then how was it possible for everything to be ruined in such a short time?

His patience ended when, out of nowhere, the strings of his lyre jumped close to his face as they snapped. Making that awful noise that couldn’t mean nothing good.

Okay, enough, who is messing around in here? No more joking in his nation!

He concentrated a little, a faint but unique presence kept his nerves on edge, as if he was being watched from afar. He moved away from the busy areas and then chased that ephemeral energy to the highest point of the church, where the bells were ringing in an irregular and stressful way.

Then he found you. Snoozing against one of the columns, somewhat tired because the trip you made to reach Mondstadt.

Surprisingly, Barbatos understood you since the first exchange of words. A god of chaos who was also a free spirit, you followed no rules ever written in Teyvat, and you had no plans to apologize for the mess you made.

Both of you were Zhongli’s worst nightmare, but that’s another story.

He managed to through your arrogance and your teasing nature that you, in fact, were a lonely spirit that liked to witness the life from above of everyone.

The difference between teasing someone accidentally and committing a crime was really visible, but he still couldn't help but feel like he should scold you after your mere presence messed up with the guild's baskets full of fish.

But hey! He also enjoy the company! Venti tried to teach you how to enjoy the calm and the whisper of wind, music can also contain chaos, feelings, old stories waiting to be told again, expressions and desire united, in a wonderful piece of-

As you yawned his lyre broke up again. Making clear the message.

Okay, not even God of Freedom and Wind can control chaos. Anyways, what a tragedy, but there’s nothing a simple bard can do, smh.

“Do you like kids, don’t you?” He said once, after a nice day of hearing him sing before your chaos reached his little concert. Again watching everyone from above on the hands of the statue, with your attention caught by some kids playing tag.

“… I don’t know what do you mean.” Once discovered you had no choice but to remain defensive, pretending to be disinterested.

“Heh, you aren’t a good liar.” It may not be the wisest thing to make fun of someone who could destroy the place where you were resting, but Venti was confident that he knew you well enough to know that you were not so explosive. “You know!, I just have some pieces, but I think it’s because they are little walking concentrations of pure and innocent chaos, am I wrong?”

He wasn’t, no at all. But you would never confess something that embarrassing.

This guy wrote a ballad about the days when Mondstadt got immerse with that strike of bad luck. Kind of an apology of not being able to handle the situation.

Now there’s the rumor that says that, every time somebody sings that song, something unlucky will happen in front of you.

The song is cursed.

One night when the moon was shining on the Cider Lake his well tuned ears distinguished a melody that was broken from time to time by the accidents of his performer, distracting him of his way to look for you.

It could be painful to listen to, but Venti could certainly feel the dedication of the one who was playing the imperfect song.

The ballad of the god of chaos, hummed like a lullaby that instead of making you sleep makes you question the events of the day. Wishing for the slightest thing to be different after an exhaustive week of peace and tranquility.

A lonely spirits cursing their existence, sitting in the highest point of a stranger’s palace, where you can reach the sky by only rising your hand.

The next day, Barbatos invited you to drink some wine, this time near Windrise to avoid accidents in the city.

As he almost dropped the bottle when a lot of slimes were attracted by your presence, he confirmed the theory about that the way to spend time with you would not be his personal definition of hanging out.

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ZHONGLI

Okay, there’s only two scenarios that could happened when you set a foot in Liyue.

Old man has a soft spot for you for being a relative young deity.

Or he’s always lecturing you for not having control of your aura and powers.

How u dare bringing chaos to the nation of order? It’s that a death wish?

Jokes aside, you’re not really a threat. And he could sense that after he saw how you tried to avoid having direct contact with the city. Rex Lapis found your silhouette jumping and crossing through the mountains until reaching the fairest point that allowed you to enjoy the view of the streets that were filled with life and light as the sunsets.

He even noticed how you sighed in frustration when a storm started out of nowhere. A rain dedicated just for the arriving of the God of Chaos. Not even bothering of getting shield, you stayed in your place to look at all the people who were getting back to their places.

The rain seemed to stop over your head, for a second was enough to stop you from being cruelly swamped by the very weather you had created. An elegant umbrella covered you, the long awaited surprise you expected from someone as outdated as Morax.

You looked up, and found his expression calm and attentive, watching you. As if he had made a great discovery that he could not believe

“May I have a moment of your time to keep you company? Letting out your sorrows in the middle of a torrential storm is not what I would recommend as way to spend a good day.”

“… What are you talking about? Get in your own business, old man.”

“Well, you should know that a sorrow shared is a sorrow halved.”

Next time you knew was that he was helping you to dry your hair with a towel once you let him guide you to his place.

Zhongli picked you up like a abandoned cat that day. Even if having you near meant to deal with new the roof leaks.

Also kept you away from Hu Tao, if you two ever get along for being partners in crime he would seal himself underground-

For all the time you spend exploring Liyue, there he was. Like a little kid showing his treasures. But also like a worried father looking after his child for them not to stumble making their first steps.

Look at you! Almost crushing those Treasure Hoarders when a bunch of rocks fell down after you jumped at the edge of the cliff.

Wait, no- come back here! You should verify the surroundings and be aware of the weight of your power if you’re going to explore in that bold way. You, chaotic brat.

Another one who believed fervently that your mood was to blame for the constant chaos you caused. He also tried to show you the wonders of peace and calm, teaching you how to prepare tea while listening to the storyteller (also both being a little far away from the rest of them, just in case).

He couldn’t help but sigh when the teapot arm broke as soon as you tried to serve the tea. What a waste, he thought.

You apologized to him, kind of stressed with yourself after you took all the pieces with your bare hands to run away with them. Leaving a confused Zhongli behind.

Next day you were back, with the teapot repaired and just like new.

He let out a lot of thankful words, some flattering and a lot more cheesy things that you never had received before.

With that unexpected affection you couldn’t help but react flustered; then a cat that was chasing a bird jumped through a lot of decorations and merchandise, almost starting a fire as the chained events kept going.

Yeah,, uh, Zhongli got some useful mental notes about you and your chaos that day.

Hey, before you go, want to make a contract? You won’t regret it!

But as the wandering spirit you were you had no problems in reject his offer, but also promising that you would visit Liyue if he wanted you to.

Of course he wanted! But.. maybe next time you should stay in Huaguang Stone Forest instead of roaming near the city,,

➷➹➷➹➷➹➷➹➷➹➷➹ ➷➹➷➹ ➷➹➷➹ ➷➹ ➷

XIAO

Tried to kill you.

I mean, your aura is threatening and full of a destructive energy, how is possible that you weren’t a demon to eradicate??

Sorry, but he had a point.

Your first met was on your way to reach Huaguang Stone Forest along with Zhongli for introduce you with the Adeptus.

Xiao, in the other side, thought that you were about to attack Morax from behind, so he just struck against you. With his polearm near to go through your chest, just stopped because you felt him before.

Lifting your hand at his direction, summoning chaos, this time, on purpose. The wind gained a wrathful nature and the biggest roots that were hiding under his feet rose to caught him.

And when you were about to hit each other Zhongli’s shield appeared just in time to separate both of you. Preventing a real catastrophic event.

Now stop fighting and introduce to each other.

Nice(n’t) to meet u.

What if you tried to awake Azhdaha to bring chaos and destruction to Liyue? What if you wanted to summoned Osial? What if… ?

Zhongli had to confirm and promise to him that those cruel possibilities won’t be a near future for respecting the real reason of your travel.

No matter if he wasn’t comfortable with your presence, it wasn’t his decision to allow you to roam freely, so he had to get use to it.

He immediately knew after hearing about your nature that was your fault that lately there were a lot more demons and monsters. Even his karma was getting more painful than usual.

(If you ever meet Hu Tao, please think twice before doing Xiao a prank)

You both didn’t interact a lot, and being honest, it was better that way.

He hadn’t a single intention of talking with you again until the day you were practicing the song that your Anemo friend taught you. By the other hand, Xiao noticed that the melody had the same nature as the one he once heard before being consumed by the karma.

It wasn’t a flute, but a worn lyre that was still in one piece after weeks of being repaired again and again.

“That song… ”

“Do you know it?” Xiao just nodded, staying in silence, being your very first audience even if you still have a lot to learn about playing a lyre.

It wasn’t as effective as the original, but was still… nice, kind of nostalgic.

Next morning, the Yaksha called for you. Made you stay still in the middle of a plain and then he disappeared of your sight.

He abandoned y- wait, what’s that? Why those monsters has that weird dark aura?

You were about to defend yourself until Xiao appeared back just in time to defeat them.

That day you became his personal bait for demons and monsters. Naturally you attracted chaos, so anyway you were, there will be also something to fight.

I guess this is your way to pay for all the troubles you made for him and his duty, so no complaining about it.

If you ask for a unexpected experience to Ganyu she would said that once she found both of you fighting along against the catastrophe, looking after each other’s back and almost having a perfect synchrony.

➷➹➷➹➷➹➷➹➷➹➷➹ ➷➹➷➹ ➷➹➷➹ ➷➹ ➷

SHOGUN RAIDEN; EI

Also tried to kill you.

Well, the puppet tried to.

And then Ei tried when you had the opportunity of facing her.

But since killing a god just mean the releasing of a lot, pure, energy she couldn’t afford that risk, much less considering your “speciality”.

Who knows what would happen to Inazuma if your vital energy burst across the nation. Just like that old story about Sal Terrae and their goddess.

She just defeated you. Letting you rest and recovering in the midst of the plane of her reality within her mind. Your inert body in the middle of the battlefield as she kept meditating.

When you woke up she ignored your presence, but also denying your complaints about letting you go out back.

In her words, you were a burden, another enemy of eternity. Something as unpredictable as you and your “accidents” couldn’t get along with her utopia.

Ei could banish you from Inazuma, but she knows your type. Stubborn and not accepting the most simple orders to obey.

She knew that you would found a way to be back.

It’s better like this.

And in the hypothetical case of you being freed when she trapped the traveler (kicking you out) and then having a chance to see her again after the end of the war, then things would be somewhat different.

There’s not that much of civilization on some islands, so she allowed you to explore as much as your heart wanted. But if something serious happen, she promised that would end her work in the middle of the sea so your remains never be found.

Okay, message clear. Just do chaos near monsters and bandits, got it,,

Even if she wanted to spend some time with you and telling you some stories about Inazuma and other gods she couldn’t found the right time to call you at her presence.

As the current ruler of Inazuma she was busier than the rest of Archons you have meet. Maybe just some letters now and then like a way to keep a logbook, but not really a face to face talk.

Until she got the opportunity of a day off, just to found you messing around near some ruins. Trying to solve a puzzle before your speciality strikes in. The structure fell down after your fingertips reached the stone.

When the dust dissipated, you discovered her figure judging you from the other side of the remain ruins.

Give her a good reason for not errase you from the map, I dare u.

You felt the worst was about to come when Ei ordered you to follow her after a long sigh. Crossing her arms and starting to walk away from the bunch of old and worn rock.

Plot Twist, she actually invited you to rest under a tree, asking in her serene voice the reason for your journey and your origin. In such a direct way that it seemed more like a sentence than a talk to get to know each other better.

You answered what you could remember and then the silence stayed like the only way of interaction between you two.

Ohno, you know this pattern. Something’s about to happen-

“There is some strange beauty in the chaos, it may be the calm after the storm, but the catastrophe itself is seen as a necessary evil to appreciate the stillness. How much it would last until the lighting hit the valley?”

“So I arrived to keep order between the humans?”

Well yes, but actually no.

“… You see, if there is nothing but order and a lack of problems, mortals are likely to create them on their own. Their minds feels the need to be tested, to prove their worth, so I guess some of your chaos may be part of the history.”

“… then shall we take a walk in Inazuma?” You did not know if you were right, but you thought you saw a faint smile through his lips in the same way that lightning can be seen in the sky.

“I’ll allow it.” She said.

Her only condition was for you not to approach the huge boxes of fireworks down the street.

[nsheetee]

109 Steps To You

this is a part of the “almost” collaboration hosted by @hyucksie​

Pairing: Haechan x Reader Genre: romance, fluff, angst, mature content, soulmate!AU, college!AU Length: 19k Summary: Everyone is born with two marks on their body: one that is identical to your soulmate’s, and one that is identical to the person who will cause you immense pain. No one knows which mark means what until they live out their life and meet the people destined to bring them love and hurt. However, you were only born with one mark. Out of all the places you thought you would meet the person with the mark identical to yours, you never thought it would be on your first day of college. Warnings/Details: female reader, mentions of other nct members (and yuqi from g-idle), explicit sex (unprotected + the consequences that come with it), mentions of a dysfunctional family, swearing

— read epilogue here

a/n: if you’re a minor: beware! there is explicit and mature content in this fic.

“I want to thank you guys, again, for helping me out today.” You shyly announce to the table, swirling your spoon through your froyo and glancing back and forth between the other people sitting before you.

“Oh, it’s no problem, we weren’t doing anything today anyway.” Xiaojun softly knocks his elbow into yours, sending a reassuring smile your way. If it wasn’t for Xiaojun, an old childhood friend, you weren’t sure how moving into your dorm room and getting settled into campus would’ve gone; you would probably still be a mess right now.

“He’s right. Plus, I really wanted to meet the girl Jun kept raving about, he wouldn’t stop talking about how much we would like you-” Mark’s comment is quickly cut off, a thud under the table and a pained look on Mark’s face giving away that Xiaojun just kicked him.

“I just hope I lived up to the hype.” You laugh at their antics.

“Oh, definitely,” Yuqi quickly buts in before Mark can retaliate back at Xiaojun, “And I live a few floors below you, so just let me know if you need anything at all.” She adds on, her warm deposition and all around friendliness from today making you let out a small sigh of relief, some stress falling off your shoulders when you realize just how many people around you are here to help you out.

“I appreciate it so much, really.” You lean away from Xiaojun and Mark, closer to Yuqi and Lucas who are sitting on the other side of the table, “By the way, I love your guys’ marks. They look so good on both of you.”

At your comment, Lucas puts down his phone and gently grabs Yuqi’s hand, their matching chamomile flower marks touching as their fingers intertwine. You almost didn’t notice their matching marks earlier today when they were helping you set up your dorm room, but when you did, you couldn’t help but stop what you were doing and stare at their hands. Such a simple mark has never looked so pretty to you, maybe it’s because Lucas and Yuqi made such a good pair that their fated marks looked so right for them.

“I still wish I got a cool dragon mark down my back, but I’ll let Jun be the one to deal with that in this life.” Lucas smirks at Xiaojun, who just rolls his eyes at Lucas’ fake jealousy. “Yours looks good, too.” He finishes and glances down at your left hand. There, a dragonfly mark stains your skin, the long tail trailing over your thumb and the wings spreading out over the back of your hand and your wrist.

“Thank you.” Your reply is genuine, however you can’t help but remember the solemn fact that surrounds your mark, your voice inadvertently dipping down as your eyes trace over the wings of your dragonfly.

“So, what kind of classes are you taking this semester?” Xiaojun changes the subject, no doubt hearing the lament in your voice.

“Oh, just some required classes. Nothing for my major, really, except Intro to Ethics for my humanities credit.” You reply as casually as you can to bring the mood at the table back up, but your comment makes Yuqi gasp and all four pairs of eyes at the table turn to you. You slouch in your seat at their sudden attention on you.

“Why would you do that to yourself?”

“What is wrong with you?”

“Do you know your advisor's email? Let’s send them a message right now to get you out-”

“Stop.” You shake your head, laughing a bit at the overreaction from your new friends, “What’s wrong with Ethics?”

“It’s in the Hauss building.” Xiaojun says as if you should already know what that means. You roll your lips in and shake your head; you do not know what that means at all.

“It’s the building all the way on top of the big hill on the west side of campus, by the auditorium.” Xiaojun explains more.

“They only teach three classes over there: Ethics and Music Theory 3 and 4.” Mark sets down his melted froyo, not realizing he has some sticking to his upper lip.

“I’m failing to see what’s so horrible about that?”

“When Xiaojun says it’s a big hill, he means it’s a really big hill-”

“Didn’t someone count the steps once and it came out to be, like, close to 100?” Lucas asks, one hand still tangled with Yuqi’s and the other now rapidly slurping his triple chocolate froyo.

“That was me, and it’s 109 steps.” Mark shutters, “I took Music Theory 3 last year and I ended up skipping half of the time because I couldn’t find the energy to climb up and down those steps three times a week.”

“Why 109? Aren’t groups of steps usually in even numbers? That’s not very architecturally smart.” Yuqi purses her lips and her eyebrows screw together.

“Screw architecture. Are you telling me I’ll have to climb up and down 109 stairs three times a week just to go to Ethics?” You can already feel a headache growing at the back of your head when you think about the complications of dealing with this big staircase. You needed that class for your major, and you thought it was going to be a class that you could pass with flying colors, but it seems like it might just be a nuisance to you more than an easy A.

“Talk to your advisor. Try to drop out and take a different class. Trust me, 109 steps don’t seem like much until you actually have to climb them.” Mark gives you his piece of advice, sticking his spoon filled with froyo into his mouth and then immediately scrunching his eyes and mumbling about brain freeze.

You’ll have to send an e-mail to your advisor real quick, but for your first day of classes tomorrow, you’ll just have to deal with those 109 steps.

The walk to your ethics class the next morning is very calming, the university’s nice landscaping and the warm weather calming your nerves down for your first day of classes. When you round the corner of the stonewall you had been following, you’re met with the infamous set of steps.

You have to crane your neck to look up at the top of the staircase, your jaw slightly dropping at how steep of a hill the stairs were built on. There are other students around you walking up and down the staircase, their headphones shoved in their ears and their heads down as they make the climb to and from class.

The stonewall you had been following all the way here continues up the staircase on your right and on the left is a thick wall of trees, their branches hanging over the stairs and giving protection from the sunlight to the students below. You begin to count every step on your way up; four regular steps, the fifth one a bit longer than the rest, and then repeat. It’s not that you don’t trust Mark’s words when he said there’s 109 steps, you just want to count for yourself.

You hear some rowdy boys coming down the stairs, but the noise is not enough to pull your head up from the ground or to stop you from counting, until you’re forcefully pushed into the stone wall on your right. Breathing in through your teeth sharply, your left hand clutches your collarbones where the pain is the worst.

“Oh, my god. I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to push you.” The guy laughs through his words, a high-pitched and almost squeaky laugh, making him sound not as sincere as he probably meant to be. When you turn to face him, the first thing you notice are his eyes. Chocolate colored and almond shaped, some laugh lines showing from the remnants of his shenanigans with his friends.

Looking back, you realize you fell in love with his eyes first. How they don’t hold back from showing any emotion, and the mischievousness they hold no matter what.

Even when his smile falls, his face looks pretty; long hair hanging down over his forehead and ears, and plump lips spreading into an ‘o’ shape as he looks at your dragonfly. Every line and detail is just the same as his own, as if fate spent a little more time with you two to make sure you know you’re each other’s soulmate the moment you meet.

“Your mark…” The man points at your hand, and that’s when you realize who you’ve just met. His brilliant eyes fill with excitement and he starts to breath harder, taking a step back from sheer surprise that you’re here. His soulmate. His one and only for the rest of this life.

However it all fades away the moment you drop your hand from your collarbones, stepping past him to continue up the staircase.

“Next time, watch where you’re going.” The first words you ever say to him are filled with so much indifference that Haechan can only follow your back with his eyes, his jaw slack and his hand still reaching out for you.

“Hey, wait-” Haechan is about to run after you, but he’s held back by Renjun, his best friend and the one who pushed Haechan into you in the first place.

“Was that-” Renjun begins, holding onto his friend’s elbow as he also watches you walk up the rest of the 109 steps.

“Yeah… Why did she ignore me like that? She saw that I have the same mark. We’re soulmates!” Haechan almost cries out in confusion, his heart and mind in a mess. Can you blame him? He’s been waiting to meet his soulmate since he knew what the dragonfly on his hand meant. Haechan has never been a patient person, and even waiting several years for you to come to him was testing him. Now that you’re here, he isn’t going to let you go easily.

As Haechan begins to walk back up the staircase to follow you, not caring about his Literature class in 15 minutes, Renjun’s grip on him tightens and pulls him back.

“You can’t just go harass her about this.”

“I’m not going to harass her. I just want to talk.” Haechan tries to pull out of Renjun’s grip again, but the little man has the sturdiness of a boulder and pulls his friend back.

“Maybe she doesn’t want a soulmate?” Renjun and Haechan stop their tug of war at Jaemin’s words. He had been leaning against the handrail by the trees the whole time while watching the scene unfold in front of him, his arms crossed over his chest and his baseball cap covering his eyes. “It’s not that uncommon these days.”

Haechan and Renjun let go of each other at their friend’s words. Jaemin sends them a bitter smile and all three of them recall the incident that happened last year when Jaemin met his own soulmate:

A rejection.

Jaemin took it hard; if it hadn’t been for his best friends, he doesn’t know where he would be in life right now. Jaemin can’t help but let the memories surface as he continues to walk down the stairs, slower than before, his head bowed and his hands shoved into his pant pockets. Renjun sends Haechan a look that tells him to not push the situation further, following Jaemin down the stairs.

Haechan sends your retreating figure one last look, watching you reach the top of the staircase and walk into the Hauss building. He retreats and follows his friends dejectedly, the promise of you showing up on this staircase at the same time on Wednesday being the only thing that lets his legs follow his friends down the stairs.

“Hey, ___, come in.” Mark smiles brightly when he recognizes you at the door, stepping aside to let you into the dorm room. “Xiaojun is in the shower still… Will you be okay by yourself if I leave?” He looks unsure as you set your backpack down on Xiaojun’s desk chair.

“Oh, I’ll be fine. You do whatever you need to.” You state and then plop down onto your friend’s bed. You hear Mark laugh and say something about how all the first years look tired at the end of their first day and then leaves the room, shutting the door behind him. You lay sprawled out on the bed, the only sounds surrounding you is the water from the shower and the ticking of the analog clock on the wall.

Even though the whole ordeal happened several hours ago, you haven’t been able to get the moment you met your soulmate out of your mind. It was almost impossible for you to turn around and walk away. Even now, your feet still itch to go back to that staircase and find the sweet looking guy who you no doubt left confused.

However, you can’t do that— you won’t let yourself do that. And that’s partially why you’re in Xiaojun’s dorm room after your last class today: so that he can knock some sense into you.

The shower turns off and a few moments later, the bathroom door opens and Xiaojun steps out. He has a towel wrapped around his waist and a smaller one on his shoulders to catch the droplets from his hair; when he sees you laying on his bed, he jumps in fright.

“Good, God,” He sighs and clutches his bare chest with one hand, the other protectively going to the towel around his waist. “Can you say something the next time you come over? I almost had a heart attack because of you.” He walks over to his closet on the other side of the room, rummaging through some clothes as you sit up.

“Sorry, I thought you heard the door open…” You trail off, getting distracted by Xiaojun’s mark. The dragon on his back is huge, taking up most of the area and spreading to his shoulders and upper arms, too. However, that’s not the mark that caught your attention. Right on his ankle sits a three-leaf clover, so small and such a stark difference from the monster drawn on his back.

You’re pulled away from your thoughts when Xiaojun turns around and walks back into the bathroom, this time leaving the door open, “So, how was your first day?”

“Oh, well, it was okay…” You trail off, speaking a bit louder so that he could hear you from the other room. You stand up and start pacing in the space between Mark’s and Xiaojun’s beds, a nervous habit of yours.

“But? I know there’s a ‘but’ somewhere.” Xiaojun replies.

“Well, something happened…” You trail off, not sure how to make the words leave your mouth yet.

“What is it?” You swallow at the question, your throat dry and hands clammy. You must’ve been taking a long time to answer because Xiaojun walks out of the bathroom, now fully clothed, and stares at your pacing form. “What’s wrong, ___.”

“I met him.” You say simply, hoping Xiaojun gets what you mean, but he doesn’t. You sigh and sink down to the floor slowly, catching yourself on Xiaojun’s bed. The action makes his eyes widen in fear and he crosses the room in a few short strides, kneeling down next to you and searching your eyes for the answer.

“What? What is it?”

“The person with the same mark as me. I met him.”

“... Oh.”

Xiaojun slowly slides down onto his butt in front of you, folding his legs. He’s not sure what to say, or how to comfort you in anyway. He didn’t expect to be the only person around that you trust when something like this happens. He sees the lost look in your eyes and slides towards you to pull you into a hug.

Unlike Xiaojun, and most people in the world, you do not have two marks.

Xiaojun’s dragon and clover match with two different people in this world; one who will be his soulmate and the other who will bring him immense pain. Everyone has two marks— except you; it even states it on your birth certificate, your parents can testify that they’ve never seen a second mark on you, just the lonely dragonfly that spreads its wings over your left hand.

When you were younger, you were curious about what it meant to only have one mark. The people around you always had two marks, the people on the TV shows you liked to watch always had two marks, even anatomy books have depictions of humans with two marks. Why were you different? What did it mean?

After gathering up the guts to type the question into the Google search engine, you found your answers, and it changed your thoughts on your one and only mark forever. The people in the world who only had one mark testified to the same story online: the person who’s mark matched theirs were both their soulmate and the person who hurt them the most.

After learning about that, you promised yourself that if you ever met the person with the same mark as you, you would not meddle with them in any way if they were only destined to bring you pain in the end.

If you knew jumping off a bridge would definitely kill you, you wouldn’t jump, right?

Xiaojun is the only person, other than your parents, who knows about the situation. Which is why when he hugs you, you lean into him and accept his comfort.

“Tell me what you’re thinking about. You must have so many questions.” He mumbles into your hair.

“Not questions. I’m just curious about what I am to him.” You reply, whispering into Xiaojun’s shoulder.

“About what you are to him?”

“I know he’ll be the person I’m meant to love the most, and also the person who will hurt me the most. But am I the one that’s supposed to love him or the one that’s supposed to hurt him?”

“Lots of people say that they can feel it when they meet. Like Lucas, he said he instantly knew Yuqi was supposed to be his soulmate.” Xiaojun thinks back to all the people who have told him the exact same thing, even his parents.

“The guy… he kept calling me his soulmate. He sounded so sure about it, too.” You lean away from Xiaojun to look into his big and curious eyes.

“What about you? What did you feel?” He asks.

“It felt… like I left a part of myself with him.” Xiaojun’s eyes widened at that, “Is that crazy? I was only around him for a minute, maybe less, and I can’t stop thinking about how I never wanted to leave. It was so hard to walk away from him..” You trail off, feeling tears suddenly gather at the edges of your eyes.

“Xiaojun…” The edge in your voice makes him grab a hold on your hands, “I don’t want him to hurt me. I’m not ready for it.”

“Hey, hey…” Xiaojun squeezes your hands before gently guiding your face to his, meeting his eyes with your own, “He’ll hurt you eventually, yeah, but he’ll also be the person who is supposed to love you unconditionally. The person who is going to know you so well, better than yourself. Maybe you should see where he takes you in life? Destiny still wanted you to meet each other no matter what the end game is going to be… Are you really going to tell fate to fuck off?”

“Can’t I?” Your response makes Xiaojun laugh, which he apologises for laughing in a serious situation right after, but the mood is already broken and you laugh at yourself a bit as well.

“C’mon, let’s order something to eat and get your mind off of this, even if it’s just for a few hours.” Xiaojun pulls you off of the floor and reaches for his phone, trying to find the phone number to his favorite delivery place.

You sit on his bed once again, your hands limp in your lap and so much appreciation for Xiaojun in your chest. You probably would’ve gone insane if he wasn’t here for you. His suggestion on giving the guy you met today a chance plays like a record in your head, but the record scratches when you remember the promise you made to yourself a long time ago.

Don’t mess with him. He will only bring you pain in the end.

On Wednesday, Haechan is the first one out of his seat in his Music Theory 3 class, not even waiting for the slow Renjun and even slower Jaemin before sprinting out of the classroom and outside, waiting at the top of the staircase for your figure to appear at the bottom.

Students float up and down the stairs, but he doesn’t see you anywhere amongst them. Eventually, Renjun and Jaemin catch up to him, standing behind him and also staring down the long staircase.

“C’mon, Haechan, we need to go to our next class.” Renjun is the first one to step down, followed by Jaemin. Haechan takes a good look at everyone’s faces on his way down, getting some weird looks sent his way for staring, but he doesn’t care.

“Haechan.” Jaemin suddenly calls out, making his friend turn suddenly to look at him. Jaemin only nods his head to the bottom of the stairs where you just turned the corner. Despite his hurry from before, Haechan stops at the sight of you. His usual confidence is lost when he sees you climb the stairs. Now, he’s not sure if he should approach you.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” Renjun nudges Haechan, but the younger only turns around to look at his friend.

“I don’t know what to say to her. What do I say to make her see I’m her soulmate?” Haechan asks, helplessness seeping into his words.

Renjun rolls his eyes; whenever his best friend needs to be the usual confident man he is, that’s when the confidence is most likely to drain out of him. Renjun shakes Haechan’s shoulders with a tight grip on his jacket, making some more people send the two of them some weird looks.

“She’s your soulmate, right? Fate already gave you everything you need to know about how to talk to her.” Renjun then pushes his friend towards your direction, “But for the love of god, don’t harass her.” Renjun ends with a pointed look and continues walking with Jaemin down the stairs.

Haechan slowly makes his way to you, crossing over to the middle of the staircase and stopping you in your tracks. You look up to inspect who it is that just stopped in front of you, and your surprise fades when you realize it’s the same guy from Monday.

“Hi.” He says simply. You only nod your head, lips pursed, and then move around him to continue walking to class.

“Wait…” Haechan calls after you, but you don’t stop this time. So Haechan keeps walking after you, only one step behind, “I’m not sure if you’re aware, but you’re my soulmate. I’ve been waiting for you for so long—” You sharply turn to face him, making Haechan cut off and tilt his head up to look at you.

“How do you know I’m your soulmate? What if I’m not?” You ask. Haechan shakes his head softly at that, his golden hair moving over his sun-kissed skin as he does.

“That’s not possible.”

“How do you know?” You ask. Haechan loves how curiosity burns in your eyes. He takes longer than normal to speak only so that he can look over your features and memorize them to the best of his ability. Last night, he tried to recall your face but the image came out so blurry since he only saw you for a moment on Monday. He wants to clearly remember what you look like.

“How about I take you somewhere, and then I’ll tell you?” The proposition stuns you, and your burning curiosity makes you want to say yes. However, going anywhere with him would be breaking your promise to yourself, so you decide to forget it.

“Nevermind…” You mumble, turning around to walk up the stairs again.

“You seem like you really want to know how I’m sure we’re soulmates… Aren’t you curious?” Haechan asks, making you stop in your tracks again. This man has only known you for a day, only talked to you for a few moments, yet he already knows how to get you to do something. “I promise I won’t hurt you, and I’m not lying either.”

You take a moment to think about the proposition. You’re really curious about how he’s so sure that you’re soulmates. Sure, you know you’re soulmates, but why is he so sure you aren’t the person who’s supposed to hurt him? You consider taking up the offer, but can you stay strong to your own promise while being close to him?

Curiosity wins, and you turn back around to face him, nodding and making him smile widely. There’s that crinkle in his eyes again, that sparkle against the sun that makes saying yes to him so much more worth it.

“My friends call me Haechan, but you can call me Donghyuck. That’s my real name.” He sticks out his hand for you to shake. You once heard that physical touch brings soulmates together quicker; you’re not sure if that’s true, but you don’t want to test it.

“I’m ___.” You nod at him and grip onto your backpack straps instead of accepting his handshake.

“Haechan, hurry up or we’ll be late!” You both hear Renjun shout out from the bottom of the stairs, “And on our second day, too.” You hear him groan.

“Okay, ___, I’ll see you here at 7pm tomorrow night.” Haechan turns around to run back to his friends, sending you one last wave goodbye and almost tripping down the stairs as he does.

You take a deep breath and turn around to walk up the rest of the steps. You’re unsure if you did the right thing by agreeing to see him tomorrow night, but the deed is now done, and you can only wait for Donghyuck to quench your curiosity.

As promised, you meet Donghyuck at 7 o’clock sharp the next day. He’s already waiting for you at the bottom of the stairs.

“So, where are you taking me?” You ask after saying your hello’s.

“It’s a surprise.” He smiles and nods his head to make you follow him. He leads you through parts of campus you haven’t seen yet, the buildings looking older and older the further down the path you walk. Soon, Donghyuck takes a sharp turn into what looks like the middle of the forest but is really just a small, hidden extension of the trail.

Under a canopy of tall trees that wave with the wind to you and Donghyuck, there is a skinny trail that leads to glimmering water. It draws you in, your curiosity struck and your feet now moving on their own accord. Bushes tickle your ankles and the smell of some sort of flower you cannot identify floods your senses, but you can only keep walking towards the sparkling water.

The scene in front of you takes your breath away, a crisp gasp that you have no control over leaves your lips. The pond before you is big, stretching further than what you can see. The water is blue and the setting sun’s light reflects off of it to create rippling sparkles. There are some lily pads floating around, their flowers gone due to the temperature dropping recently.

You didn’t even notice that you stopped walking, your eyes wide as you take in the scenery before you. You almost forget who you’re with and why you came, but Donghyuck doesn’t let that happen. You snap out of it when he continues to walk along the trail that leads around the pond. You walk alongside Donghyuck, a few feet away with your hands awkwardly tucked into your pockets.

“C’mon, let’s sit.” He motions to a weeping willow tree. It’s tall and the branches sway pleasantly in the wind, completely unaware and indifferent to the years of history in the area. Underneath the tree is a sturdy bench, you sit on the left side while Donghyuck sits on the right side. Then, you both take a few moments to stare at the mesmerizing water that led you all the way to this seemingly magical place.

“Why did you bring me here?” You ask after a bit.

“Do you not like it?” Donghyuck asks back.

“No.” You quickly reply, looking over his side profile before turning back to the water, “I’m just curious.”

“Something in me knew you would like this place, that’s all.” Donghyuck replies while trying to hide his proud smile, looking down at the grass. “You’re curious about a lot of things, huh?”

“Yeah, I can’t help it. There’s just so much I want to know.” It’s easy to talk to him, a bit too easy. You have to keep reminding yourself that you’re supposed to have your guard up in front of him, but it’s proving harder than you thought it would be.

“Like how I’m sure that you’re my soulmate and not the person who is supposed to hurt me?” Donghyuck leans his weight away from you, his eyebrow cocked in a question. You nod your head lightly, playing with your hands on your lap.

“It’s because I’ve already met the person who’s supposed to bring me pain. I’ve already been hurt.” At his words, surprise fills you up and you turn your head to look him straight in the eye.

For some reason, you always thought that when people meet the person who brings them the largest amount of pain to their life, they couldn’t be the same ever again. How does one get hurt so badly, and still live on?

There are so many ways to hurt someone. Some people become bankrupt, some people lose all of their belongings, some people are even physically hurt by the person who has the same mark as them. How does a person go through any of that and still be themselves afterwards? More importantly, how did Donghyuck go through immense pain and still be able to smile at you like he is right here, right now?

“Here.” He begins to explain, pushing his pants around until you can see his second mark through one of the holes in his jeans, a sunflower on his knee, “My dad had the same mark as me.”

“Your…. Dad?” You ask, still confused.

“Mhmm,” He nods, now tracing the petals of the sunflower mark absentmindedly, “My parents immediately knew something was wrong when I was born. Why would a son and dad have the same mark? When I was growing up, he worked a lot, so I spent lots of time with my mom and grew closer to her. I don’t remember much from that time, but I do remember we were happy. We didn’t have a lot, but we had each other; that kind of feeling.” He looks over at you to see if you’re keeping up with the story. To Donghyuck’s surprise, you already have tears lining your eyes.

“Then one day, Dad comes home and tells us he lost his job. I remember my parents fought a lot the few weeks after that happened, mostly about how to raise me if they had no income. Dad would go out and look for work, but always came back with no luck. So eventually, my mom started working. For a while, the reason we could keep living was because of her.” Donghyuck swallows and pauses for a moment before continuing.

“And then one night, dad came home and told us he gambled. Everything, he gambled everything away. Even the little that we had, it wasn’t ours anymore. That night, my dad told me I was a mistake. My parents never meant to have me, and he said…” Donghyuck purses his lips for a moment. It had been a while since he thought about this. The scar on his heart still hurts when he picks at it. “... He said that he wished I had never been born. Then, we wouldn’t have been in that mess.”

“How old were you?” You speak up after a moment.

“Seven? Or eight.” He nods and sniffs his nose, looking down at his knee. The whole day, Donghyuck was preparing himself to tell you this story. He felt that the only way to get close to you was to open up like this first, to show you that he isn’t someone scary or bad. To Donghyuck’s surprise, telling this story hurts less now than it did earlier in this life. Maybe that means time is working, and his heart is being mended bit by bit.

Donghyuck leans his elbows against his knees, looking at the water once again while waiting for you to say anything. Are you still curious? What do you think of him now?

He was in no way prepared to feel your arms wrap around his waist in a hug, your head resting against his shoulder and your chest pressed against his side. He freezes for a moment, and then melts into your embrace completely. He’s overcome with lovesick softness for you, lightly griping the part of your arm that’s across his chest as his head turns to the side to press a kiss to the top of your head. It’s so quick that you don’t even have time to move away or to react. You just let it happen, as it’s supposed to be.

“You said that something in you knew I would like this place,” You mumble against him. He hears your voice straining with emotion, “Well, something in me knows that you need this right now.”

You and Donghyuck sit there until the sparkling water is no longer fueled by the sun’s light, but by the moon’s. It seems as though now you’ve touched Donghyuck, you never wanted to stop. You’re almost one hundred percent sure that it’s because of the soulmate bond, and a part of you nags at yourself for already chipping away at the promise you made to yourself when you were younger.

However, younger you never knew what it would be like to have a person sit in front of you and share a part of his past with you in an act of confidence and security. Your younger self never knew what it would be like to feel the same pain as someone else, and the pull you felt to touch him after sensing that physical affection would help ease that pain away.

Your younger self had no idea it was this easy to fall into a person, especially when you know they’ll catch you.

“God, I’m so sick and tired of Accounting. ___, I’m quitting school.” Xiaojun gravely tells you, his eyes not wavering from his computer screen.

“Shut up and do your homework, Jun.” You mumble, your eyes not leaving your own computer screen as you type up your Ethics essay. Three weeks into school and you’re already fully emerged in your classes. The newness of college has faded and now it’s time to start the next four years of studying endlessly for the future.

“Are you guys… okay? You haven’t moved over there in a few hours.” Mark asks from the other side of the room where he’s doing his own homework. He eyes you and your best friend from where you’re sitting on his bed, “Are you even comfortable?”

You and Xiaojun are sharing a blanket, he’s leaning against his headboard and you’re leaning against the wall. Your legs are thrown over his and several textbooks are scattered over the blanket. You’re not even sure which of these books are yours or his, or which papers laying in messy stacks belong to who.

“Yeah, I think we’re okay. We’ve been studying like this since high school.” Xiaojun answers, his fingers moving along his keyboard at the same time. You nod at Mark and he shakes his head, not understanding you two but accepting the answer.

You’re over at the guys’ dorm room enough that Mark is not surprised to see you here anymore, hanging out with Xiaojun or waiting for him to come back from class. It’s not that you don’t like your own dorm room, but it’s always so quiet in there since your roommate always studies at the library. You only hear her come into the room late at night when you’re on the verge of sleep, and when she leaves early in the morning before your alarm rings. Weekends are the same. You don’t really care, but you’ve started to hate the quiet, so you’re glad that Mark and Xiaojun don’t mind you chilling here.

“Argh,” Mark yawns and stretches after a few minutes, throwing his computer to the side and standing up, “I’m getting some snacks from the vending machine. You guys want anything?”

After you and Xiaojun answer with simultaneous shakes of your heads, which creeps Mark out, he leaves the room to get food. The room is silent for a few more moments until Xiaojun angles the lid of his laptop down to look at you.

“So… How’s the guy?”

“What guy?” You ask, still preoccupied with your essay.

“Your soulmate, ___, what other guy is there?” Xiaojun answers exasperatedly, “You never told me his name, so I don’t know what to call him. Actually, I haven’t heard you talk about him since the first day of classes. I was hoping you’d tell me what happened with him, but I guess I have to go digging up your dirt myself.” He rolls his eyes.

“His name is Haechan.” You answer, moving your computer to the side, “And I haven’t said anything to you about him because… I haven’t seen him in weeks.” You admit quietly.

“Huh? Didn’t you say you were meeting up so he could tell you why he’s sure you’re his soulmate?” You nod your head at the question, “So, what happened after that?”

“Well… I kinda, maybe, sort of…. have been avoiding him.” You answer quietly, stealing a glance at your best friend to see him staring at you blankly. When he sighs and reaches for his pillow, your eyes widen and you hold up your hands in front of you, spewing pleas and ‘wait’s. Xiaojun doesn’t care, though, flinging his pillow from behind him and into your face.

“Ow?” You whine after the pillow makes contact with your head and forces you to turn to face the other way, “Was that necessary?” You rub your nose, the part of your face that hurts worse from his attack. You’re used to Xiaojun doing this to you whenever you did something that both of you know you shouldn’t have so that you can “get some sense knocked into you, hopefully.”

“You’re so dumb. So, so dumb. Why would you avoid him.” It’s not a question, more of a confused statement to the general air. “You realize people would kill to meet their soulmate, right? People would do anything to be in your position, but you just hide away?”

“People would do anything to meet their soulmate, but people would also do anything to stay away from the person who shares their other mark.” You retaliate, “You don’t understand. To me, Haechan is both of those people.”

“There you go again, worrying about the future when you’re not even sure about what is going to happen. When will you stop worrying about something you can’t control and start thinking about today?” Xiaojun sounds so tired talking about this topic, a conversation you’ve had many times in your friendship. You wonder if he’s so tired of it, why he keeps bringing it up himself.

Before you can answer, the door to the room opens and Mark walks in, several snacks in his arms, “Hey, everyone, I hope it’s okay I brought a friend. He’s in the same major as me, just a year younger—”

“___?” Mark stops talking when his friend speaks, surprised that he already knows one of the people in the room. Your eyes widen, jaw slackening as you’re unable to even let out a peep from your mouth.

“You know each other?” Mark asks, looking between his two friends.

“Yeah, you could say I know my soulmate.” Donghyuck replies, making both Xiaojun and Mark’s eyes widen. You suddenly realize the situation you’re in: under a blanket with Xiaojun, your pajamas on, and your soulmate in front of you after you ghosted him for weeks. For the first time in a while, your eyes meet.

Donghyuck is mad. You can tell by how his fists are clenched and his jaw is tightened. Slowly getting out of the bed, you try to form some words, but Donghyuck snaps and walks over to you quickly. Grabbing your hand, he pulls you out of the room and down the hallway until you get to the lounge area. When you reach the empty room, that’s when you come to your senses.

“Donghyuck,” You pull your arm out of his, making him turn to face you, “I’m not even wearing shoes.” You hiss, pointing down to your feet as if to prove some point.

“What was all that?” He disregards your comment and hisses back at you, stepping closer so that you’re barely a few inches apart. “You were under a blanket. With some guy. Don’t you feel wrong doing that?” He asks, his hands now on his hips. You feel slightly like you’re being lectured to.

“That guy is my best friend.” You spit out.

“So, do you go around and do that to all of your guy friends?” Donghyuck chuckles vehemently, you can tell he’s angry and jealous, and that those emotions are clouding his brain at the moment. That doesn’t mean his words don’t hurt, though.

“Xiaojun and I have been best friends since we were in diapers. I’ve known you for three weeks, barely. I’m more comfortable around him than I am with you. You think just because I’m your soulmate, I’ll automatically trust you and we’ll all of a sudden be a happy couple? It doesn’t work like that, Donghyuck. I don’t even know you.” You can tell you hurt him by your last words because he turns silent, his shoulders slouching and his anger subsiding.

You can tell you hurt him, hard, because you feel the hurt, too.

It makes you realize how scary the bond between soulmates is. Even though you and Donghyuck haven’t spent that much time together to strengthen your bond, it’s still strong enough to allow you to feel his emotions. It makes you wonder if Donghyuck will be able to feel your pain in the future when he hurts you, like he’s destined to.

“Have you even tried to get to know me? You’ve been avoiding me ever since I took you to the pond.” At his comment, you fold your arms over your chest and look away, not ready to answer that question.

“I’m… just scared, is all.” You manage to reply. Although not the complete truth, it’s not a total lie. Donghyuck completely softens at your words, his close proximity to you feels less threatening and turns into something more gentle. His hand softly slips into yours, but this time with a lighter touch than before.

“You don’t have to be scared, not around me. I’m new to this too, so I don’t know how it all works yet, but this is something we can figure out together. That’s what we were fated to do.” Donghyuck can feel his words pulling you closer to him, he can feel you on the edge and he’s ready to catch you with his arms wide open.

But in the last second, you take a step back and slip your hand out of his, making his drop limply to his sides. You send him a look, something he can’t read, and then turn around and walk back to the dorm he pulled you out of.

He almost had you, almost.

When midterms come around, you use your upcoming tests and projects as a way to dive deep into your work so that you don’t have to think about Donghyuck. It’s a good plan overall, however your friends quickly start worrying for you and your health. Staying up late several nights in a row and not even being able to remember when the last time you ate is where Xiaojun pulled the plug on your bad studying habits. He confiscated your backpack and dropped you off in front of your dorm building with the promise that you’ll have all of your things back tomorrow morning only if you rest for tonight.

On your way to the elevator, you run into Yuqi, both of your facial expressions brightening when you recognize each other.

“Oh, ___, Hi!” You stop in the middle of the hallway to greet her, a smile pulling at your lips due to her bright hello. “How are you?”

“Midterms are kicking my ass, but other than that I’m fine.” She laughs at your answer, throwing her head back and letting her new short hair ruffle her shoulders.

“I wish I could tell you it gets better, but that would be a lie.” You nod your head in solemn understanding, “Listen, I can’t talk for long since I have a night class, but promise to text me when things slow down, yeah?”

“Of course, I promise.” You nod, just the thought of spending some time with a good friend already pushes away your stress. You wave bye to Yuqi as she begins to turn around but after a loud “oh!” leaves her lips, she turns back to face you.

“Your roommate, her name is Mya, right?” At her random question, you tilt your head in confusion, “She has really long, black hair and big glasses, right? I think I saw her when I was helping you move in?”

“Yeah, that’s her.” You nod, “Why?”

“She found her soulmate today.” You would’ve been more interested in the news if you knew Mya beyond when she goes to class and when she gets back to the dorm, but you feign surprise and nod your head absentmindedly.

“Lucas managed to get a video. It was a whole performance in the quad today, you’d think someone was getting married. I’ll send it to you later.” And with that, she says her last goodbye and runs off. You slowly turn and continue walking in a slow pace up to your dorm room, taking the stairs just so you can have some time to think and be away from people you could potentially run into if you use the elevator.

You’re genuinely happy for Mya, even if you barely know a single thing about her. However, something about a person close to you finding their soulmate makes you sad, considering the situation with your own soulmate. You can’t help but feel a little jealous that there are people who can meet their soulmate and fall into each other’s lives easily.

In times like these, you crave for Donghyuck.

You crave his touch and his words, you crave that comfortable feeling of belonging somewhere you get when he’s around. It’s insane that you haven’t spent much time together, yet you can yearn for someone to the extent that it hurts. It’s been like this ever since Donghyuck pulled you out of Xiaojun’s dorm and you rejected him.

Turning away from him all those weeks ago still haunts you. When you’re struggling to fall asleep, your mind goes to that night. When you let your mind wander, it wanders to that night. You constantly think about stepping away from him, but you’re not sure if you keep remembering the moment out of guilt or shame. One of the questions you keep asking yourself is if you did the right thing. You still do not have an answer.

When you walk into your dorm room, you kick off your shoes and turn on your bedside lamp, falling onto your bed with a deep sigh. You close your eyes for a second, but the peace and quiet of your room is ruined when your phone dings with a notification.

Yuqi’s message pops up, and when you swipe your phone open you can see she sent a video. You click on it and turn the volume up. This was no doubt taken earlier today in the quad, the sun shining and lots of professors and students walking in the background. Under the huge clock tower stand two people, one of them holding a large bouquet of roses. When the clock strikes noon, the bells on top of the tower begin to ring a familiar melody that can be heard all over your big campus. You see the exchange of the bouquet and the two people hug, and then applause rises from the people walking by. You smile when you hear Lucas’ whooping and hollering from behind the phone.

You’ve heard about the tradition of soulmates meeting under the clock tower at your university. Yuqi told you about it when she was giving you a tour around campus at the beginning of the semester. You remember her telling you that it’s really romantic, probably due to the history of so many people getting together in the exact same spot.

Although the idea is rather plain, you do feel your heart strings tug at the beautiful display, glad you could see something like this through a video. Then, as the camera gets closer to the couple, your smile fades and you pause the video, zooming in to get a better view. Mya is no doubt the one who received the flowers, but you can’t help but furrow your eyebrows as you recognize her soulmate.

It’s one of Donghyuck’s friends.

Not the quiet one with black hair that hangs around on the outside of their group, but the shorter one who seemed to simultaneously love and hate Donghyuck, or at least that’s what you gathered from seeing him a few times.

After the realization, you drop your phone to the side and stare up at your ceiling in defeat. Is this fate? If you didn’t meet Donghyuck on those steps two months ago, would you eventually meet him through your roommate and her soulmate? Or is this all just one big coincidence?

In this world, coincidences are harder to find than the work of fate.

Your train of thought is quickly cut off by the opening on the door, you quickly sit up to watch a huge red bouquet of flowers enter the room, followed by your roommate. You’ve only seen her face a few times this semester, but never have her features looked so bright and happy. She also looks startled when she notices you’re in the room, but her happiness doesn’t fade.

“Oh? You’re here?” She asks.

“I could ask you the same thing.” You both chuckle awkwardly, “Congrats, by the way. For finding your soulmate.” You motion to the flowers in her hand.

“Thank you! To be honest, Renjun wasn’t at all what I expected in a soulmate, but I think I love him already.” The sweetness drips from her eyes and words, and you nod and smile, remembering that Donghyuck’s friend’s name is Renjun. Her phone begins to ring and she shuffles the flowers in her hand to look at the screen, “Oh, it’s him.”

She answers the call, speaking quietly as she walks over to her side of the room. You weigh out the options of sneaking out of your dorm and finding a place to chill until your roommate falls asleep. You're not sure if you can talk to her about soulmate stuff and keep up this happy look on your face.

However, all thoughts of those plans leave your mind when Mya turns to you and holds out the phone, “It’s for you?” She says it more like a question, but you’re sure you’re the one who’s more confused.

“Hello?” You ask into the phone, awkwardly looking around the room.

“___? Oh, thank god. It’s Renjun, Haechan’s friend. I need your help.” He talks quickly and shallowly, like he’s out of breath and currently moving somewhere.

“How did you know I’m Mya’s roommate?” You ask, disregarding his cry for help.

“It’s a long story, I promise I’ll explain later, but can you please come to the auditorium? The back entrance.” You hear more voices in the background of the call, but you can’t make out what they're saying. One of them is definitely Donghyuck.

“What’s going on?” At the sound of your soulmate’s unique tenor, you suddenly become more aware of what might be happening. Is Donghyuck safe? Did he get in trouble?

“Donghyuck drank too much and he won’t go home, he keeps asking for you.” At that, you hand the phone back to Mya, who takes it from you with an unsure look. By the time Mya says her worried goodbyes and hangs up, she turns back to an empty dorm room, your phone snatched from your bed and your scattered shoes gone.

You must’ve made it to the auditorium in record time, not even the climb up the 109 steps could slow you down. When you reach the auditorium, you can hear Donghyuck and his friends conversing loudly and you follow their voices, which eventually leads you to the dingy backside of the auditorium. Donghyuck is sitting on the ground with the hood of his coat pulled up and covering his eye sight, arms crossed over his chest and his lips in a pout. His two friends, Renjun and the black-haired kid, stand above him. The quiet one is shivering in his spot while Renjun practically yells at Donghyuck on the ground, who doesn’t seem to be moving any time soon.

“Hi, ___.” The quiet one notices you first and then all three guys turn to look at you.

“___…” Donghyuck whines out your name and tries to stand up but Renjun gently pushes him back down.

“What happened?” You ask, sniffing your nose when the harsh, cold air nips at it.

“He said he wanted to unwind before his midterms tomorrow but then he went out and had some drinks, a few too many as you can see.” Renjun explains, “We followed him here, he said he won’t go anywhere unless it’s with you.”

“It’s strange. Haechan is a good drinker, I didn’t think he would get drunk so quickly… Oh, I’m Jaemin, by the way.” He introduces himself with a bright smile, as if you weren’t just discussing the drunken state of his friend.

“I’m Renjun, I called you earlier. I promise I have a good explanation for how I know you’re Mya’s roommate, I just don’t think right now is the best time to talk about it.” Renjun explains, his hands pointing towards Donghyuck.

“Right, about him… I think you guys should leave.” Both sober men widen their eyes, looking at each other and then back at you.

“Are you sure you want to handle this yourself? He looks small, but Haechan is kind of heavy.” Jaemin warns.

“Hey!” Donghyuck speaks up, but even his verbalization sounds slurred. When he points an accusing finger at Jaemin, he sways and misses Jaemin’s figure by a whole foot, “Don’t say that kind of stuff to my girlfriend.”

At his use of the word, Jaemin and Renjun stand straight with awkwardness and you sigh, white puffs of air leaving your mouth, “Yeah, you guys should go.”

Renjun and Jaemin give you an unsure look, but turn around and leave the area anyway. Renjun sends one last look over his shoulder with a wave of his hand. You look at Donghyuck after they turn the corner, kicking his shoe gently.

“Hey, get up. How much did you drink?” You’re not actually curious about how much alcohol he consumed, you just want to know if he can even respond to simple questions.

“Babe!” He exclaims when he looks up, “Oh, not much. I could go for another round right now, actually.” His words slur together and he sways in his sitting position against the brick wall of the auditorium.

“You’re not going for another round, you’re going home. C’mon.” You grab onto the sleeve of his puffer jacket, pulling him up so that he’s standing. He immediately falls onto you, his arms around your waist and his legs spread wide so that his head is hidden in your neck.

“Hyuck, you have to walk. Get up.” You pull him up once again, putting one of his arms around your shoulders and giving him more support around his waist. Slowly, you begin to walk away from the auditorium with Donghyuck’s drunk mumbling filling the cool air. His legs barely work underneath him, and he turns his head and leans into your ear every once in a while to sing some random lyric that pops into his mind at that second, like a small concert that he allows only you to hear.

Once you reach the top of the staircase, you stop and take a long look down to the bottom, “Why did you have to come all the way up here? How are we getting down the stairs?” If you start to climb down, Donghyuck could fall and hurt himself. You’re not that strong to begin with and your shoulders are already feeling sore from carrying most of Donghyuck’s weight.

“We can ride this.” He giggles and breaks away from you, one of his legs swinging over the handrail so that he’s straddling it.

“No, no, no.” You pull him off, but his shoe gets caught against the rail and he comes falling down onto you, both of you landing on the top step of the staircase. You wince in pain at how your back hits the concrete, but you don’t think about it much as you push Donghyuck off of you and into the space next to you on the top stair.

“Oh, no. Are we stuck up here?” He asks as you brush your hands together to get rid of the little pieces of concrete in your skin.

“Yes, and it’s all your fault. What are you gonna do about it?” You reply, so sarcastically that even Donghyuck’s drunk brain registers the joke. Your heart almost leaps out of your throat when he grabs your hands and pulls you closer to him, gently picking out each little ball of cement in your palms.

“I’m sorry I keep hurting you.” He apologizes. This close, you can smell the alcohol in his breath, mixed with his shampoo and cologne. He smells warm in this cold weather, and you feel like falling into him and drinking up his scent, not even minding the alcohol stench.

“Keep hurting me?” You ask.

“Yeah, that must be why you don’t want to be with me. I have to be doing something wrong for you to hate me.” He sighs, sniffling and enclosing your hands in his, his glassy eyes looking up at you and his long hair hangs down over his forehead and tickles his eyelashes. “I’m a bad soulmate.”

The way he says it makes your heart break. It makes you feel regret 1000 times worse than what you’ve been feeling these past few weeks; as if all of the worry and sadness hit you all at once, you feel like crying.

Isn’t he supposed to be the one who hurts you? Why does it feel like you’re the only one doing the hurting?

“You’re not a bad soulmate,” It’s not Donghyuck’s fault that he got stuck with you, or that things will turn out the way that they’re destined to, “And I don’t hate you.”

“You don’t?” He looks up into the night sky and sways a bit as he thinks, “Then why won’t you be with me? Hm?” He tilts his head, his lips pouting as he thinks. You desperately want to find an answer that’ll soothe him, but nothing you can come up with will give you that result, the truth included.

“It’s complicated…” You trail off, and your answer makes Donghyuck snort.

“How? I’m your soulmate, you’re mine. What else matters?” He laughs incredulously.

“What if you’re not just my soulmate?” You ask him, surprising yourself with how easily you can ask the question, probably because the influence of alcohol over him has you more at ease, “What if something happens in the future? I’m just… looking out for me, and for you.” You explain, trying to sound as vague as possible.

When you glance at Donghyuck, he looks dead serious. You think that maybe he has suddenly sobered up with how deep and calculating his eyes look. One of his hands tighten around yours while the other slowly raises to your hair, pacing himself along the way, and pausing before he touches you. When you don’t stop him, he gently caresses your hair and moves it away from your face, his nimble fingers sliding to your jaw. He moves your face so that your eyes meet his.

“I know I’m drunk, but I can make this promise again when I’m sober. I’ll make this promise every single day for the rest of my life, only if it means you can be there with me to fulfill it.” The severeness in his tone is like a wake up call about how serious this is for him.

“What promise?” You whisper back.

“It’s not just a ‘you’ or just a ‘me’ now. It’s an ‘us.’ And I will do everything I can to not hurt us.”

He says it with so much conviction that you somehow believe him. You finally fall into him and rest your tired head on his shoulder as he welcomes you into his warm arms. Maybe it’s foolish of you to think you two can go against fate’s words, but with him by your side, you feel like you can conquer the whole universe.

“Stop smiling like that, you’re making it very obvious that you got laid for the first time.” Donghyuck peers over his laptop screen to Renjun, where he has had a permanent smile on his face ever since he, Donghyuck, and Jaemin met up today to study in the lounge center of their dorm building.

“You know, Haechan, I’m not even mad at that. It’s more than what I can say to you.” Renjun tries to hide his widening smile while looking down at his own laptop, but that paired with Jaemin’s quiet laughter leaves Donghyuck bitter. “Didn’t you and ___ make up?” Renjun asks.

“They were fighting? I thought they just weren’t talking to each other?” Jaemin asks.

“Isn’t that fighting?”

“Kids.” Haechan cuts them off, “Not that it’s any of your business, but we were not fighting and we did make up.”

“That makes no sense.” Jaemin mutters and squints his eyes at Donghyuck.

“I’m older than you.” Renjun retaliates, but Donghyuck pretends like he doesn’t hear.

“We’re just… taking it slow.” Donghyuck ends his explanation with a firm nod of his head, and Renjun shuts his laptop and turns to his friend.

“Can you take it slow during the Fair this weekend? I’m planning to go with Mya and accidentally bought two pairs of tickets. I’ll give you the other pair.” Renjun leans into his friend’s side and wiggles his eyebrows.

“At what cost?” Haechan leans in as well and raises an eyebrow.

“Help me with my English project.”

“No way,” Haechan leans back and focuses on his own laptop screen again, “I haven’t even started mine, I don’t have time to help you with yours.”

“Please,” Renjun draws out the word, grabbing Donghyuck’s sleeve and tugging at it so hard that he can’t properly type, “I suck at English, and unfortunately it’s the only thing that you’re better at than me.”

“The only thing?” Donghyuck glares at Renjun. “Now I’m definitely not helping you.” When Renjun whines at that Donghyuck gets a devilish idea, and it shows by the smirk on his face, “... Unless, you’d like to show us how you really need help.”

At Donghyuck’s proposition, he leans back in his chair with his arms folded across his  chest while Jaemin mirrors his actions, his own goofy smile on his face as he waits for Renjun to either accept or deny the proposition, but he hopes he’ll accept it.

Renjun looks between his two friends and sighs, dropping his head down as he mentally prepares himself. When he lifts his head, he looks at Donghyuck with his lips pursed, his pointer finger over them and makes a “kyu” sound that is way higher than his original speaking voice. Jaemin and Haechan immediately burst into as quiet of laughter as they can, Jaemin reaching over the table to poke Renjun’s cheek at his cuteness.

“I never said to act cute, I just wanted you to say please again.” Donghyuck jokes through his snickering, and Renjun immediately stands up from his chair to take a fistful of Haechan’s jacket and pull back his other fist, all cuteness gone from his facial features in a split second.

“Okay, okay, sorry, sorry.” Haechan tries to pull away, his voice rising as Renjun holds onto his jacket tighter and threateningly leans in.

“Hey, quiet down.” Someone whisper-shouts from a few tables away, and it makes Renjun let go of Donghyuck and slowly sit back down. “This isn’t even a library, why are they shushing me.” He grumbles.

“You guys have fun on your date,” Jaemin sighs as he begins to put away his things, satisfied with the study session and with his friends' mischief, “I would go too, but I don’t feel like being a fifth wheel.”

Once your classes end on the day of the Fair, you and your roommate meet up with Donghyuck and Renjun outside of the Fair grounds. You and Donghyuck walk side by side, a bit behind the other couple as they lead the way, practically in their own little bubble. Your hands are shoved in your pockets to keep them from turning numb from the cold and you try to shove your head as far into your jacket as you can to keep your face and neck protected from the wind. Other than the chilly weather, it’s a perfect day for a Fair.

You don’t seem to notice Donghyuck’s predicament right beside you; he’s trying to find a way to hold your hand, but you don’t move them out of your pockets. Actually, Donghyuck is sure you’re doing this on purpose, since he has been trying to touch you the moment you met up with him tonight.

“So, what do you wanna ride first?” He asks you. After looking around the area, your eyes land on a tea cup ride, where the large cups move in circles and also spin in their spots.

“That.” You point to it. Before you can move, Donghyuck latches into your hand that was pointing into the air and pulls you to the ride, a smug smile on his face at how he succeeded in finally sharing some skin to skin contact.

The ride was, to say the least, nauseating. Not that it was disgusting, but Donghyuck wouldn’t stop spinning your individual cup around in fast circles, and you were so sure that you would fling off any second due to the strong velocity those tiny cups have when they go at full speed. However, walking off of the ride with wobbly legs and not being able to see straight was funnier than you thought it would be.

Donghyuck was actually still pretty dizzy when he tried to win a stuffed octopus for you with a dart game. However, he ended up losing $15 while trying to win the game, and you’re sure he would’ve spent more if you didn’t pull him away. After eating some good food and refilling your energy, the sun begins to set on the horizon in a colorful display of red, orange and pink, and people start to make their way to the ferris wheel.

“C’mon,” You hear Mya say from behind you, “We need to get in line first or else we’ll be waiting for half of the night.” She pulls Renjun by his sleeve and passes you and Donghyuck, practically running to the end of the growing line for the Ferris Wheel. When you see where she’s running to, you stop in your tracks which in turn makes Donghyuck stop. Your intertwined fingers pull you back to each other as he looks at you with a puzzled look.

“I’m… not good with heights.” You confess and look towards the top of the ferris wheel, shivering just at the thought of going that far up into the sky in a metal contraption, “Or small spaces…” You add on.

“That’s okay,” Donghyuck gently reassures, smiling lightly at your sudden timidness about your fears. Honestly, he’s just happy you now trust him a bit more to even tell him what you’re afraid of. “We don’t have to go. We can do something else.”

“Like what?” You ask. Donghyuck purses his lips and looks around, until a set of stairs on the edge of the fairgrounds catches his eye.

“I know a place where we can still get a good view of the sunset without going too far up.” He replies and tugs you along with him towards the set of stairs. They lead down to the park that’s nestled in the middle of your University, which eventually leads to a pedestrian bridge that crosses over a river that runs through your town.

The river isn’t that big, nor is the bridge, but it’s big enough to have your head tilting up in wonder as you gaze at the lights adorning the sides of it, lighting up not only the bridge itself by the sky as well. You’ve seen this bridge from your dorm room, but you’ve never once stood on it, and it looks remarkable from this close up.

Donghyuck continues to lead you over the pedestrian bridge onto the other side, where an outdoor museum that was constructed by art students a few years ago holds several different abstract paintings. His hand in yours, which has been it’s resting place all night, keeps yours warm. You try not to think about how your hands fit into each other like the gears of a hand-crafted watch. The lines on your palms connect with the lines on his; it’s painfully obvious he was made for you and you were made for him.

When you reach the end of the outdoor museum, you turn west and face the sunset just as it’s setting over the skyline. Even though some tall buildings obstruct the view, the colors of the sky stretch overhead and make both you and Donghyuck stand still and appreciate the artwork in the sky.

“You like these kinds of things, huh? Sunsets, and ponds, and that kind of stuff?” He suddenly asks, not talking his eyes off of the sky. You, however, turn to look at him. He has his eyes screwed as he tries to look at the sunset, obviously not liking the bright sunlight.

“You don’t?” You ask back.

“I think... there are more enjoyable things.” Donghyuck takes a while to make up his mind about what he wants, obviously trying not to make the things you enjoy sound bad to him.

“Then we should go.” You turn around, but he pulls you back to your original spot.

“We walked all this way, we’re watching this sunset even if my feet freeze to the ground.” He tightens his grip on your hand and speaks through his teeth, making you sputter out a laugh and hit his shoulder with your own lightly.

“Sometimes, I wonder why fate put us together.” You ask, watching as the sun moves bit by bit, leaving behind trails of light and the beginnings of stars and the vast universe on the other side of the sky. “We’re different. I don’t know about you, but you are not who I imagined my soulmate would be.” You speak truthfully.

Even though there are some strings attached to Donghyuck’s relationship with you, it didn’t stop you from thinking about what kind of person he’d be— what kind of person fate would pick to be your perfect fit. Maybe they would have some sort of major flaw, like an anger problem or a lack of common sense. Maybe they would be an alcoholic or someone who commits crimes.

When it came to your soulmate, you always thought of something bad considering that they were also going to hurt you in some way. You never thought that your soulmate would be someone as unique and fun as Donghyuck. Fate made it way too easy to be with him, and you’re not sure whether to feel bitter or thankful.

“Well,” He blows some air through his nose, “You’re exactly what I thought my soulmate would be like” Your heart jumps into your throat and beats irregularly when Donghyuck says that, struck with the feeling of surprise once again.

“Mark tells me you’re smart and get good grades, and I know it was you who ordered that soup for me the morning after you took me home when I got drunk. Not to mention, you went out when it was dark to take me home in the first place.” Donghyuck explains, his hand that’s still interlocked with yours waving around as he does so, “You’re willing to help others, you have a good head on your shoulders, and not to mention you guard your heart to the very end.”

“Guarding my heart… That’s an admirable quality? If I remember correctly, it caused you some pain in the past few months.” By now, the last rays of the sun are disappearing over the horizon and night begins to blanket the sky. You turn to your soulmate when he takes more than a moment to answer, watching the way his face reacts to the thoughts turning in his head.

“Yeah, it is a great quality. I think if you completely trusted me the moment you saw me on those stairs, we wouldn’t end up here now. You wouldn’t be the perfect fit for me if you loved me so easily.” He turns to you, a teasing smile playing on his lips. Your interlocked fingers are basically frozen together at this point and maybe your feet really have stuck to the ground, but his words warm you up from the inside out.

“I think I would’ve fallen in love with you even if we weren’t destined to be together.”

Somehow, he manages to remind you of one very important fact that you’ve set aside since the moment you met him. You’ve always put the fact that he’s supposed to hurt you first, and the fact that he’s your soulmate second. However, he is a human and so are you, and you’re both given the opportunity to love one another wholly and truly. People die to have this type of moment. People live their whole lives without experiencing this type of emotion.

It’s time to remember that Donghyuck is your soulmate, first and foremost. He is deserving of love, and you’re now willing to give it to him.

When you pull Donghyuck into you, he feels like it may be a hallucination. Surely your lips can’t be that close to his own. But when he smells the cinnamon on your lips from that churro you had and your fingers sliding up his arm to grip his jacket, he becomes scared that this might actually be a hallucination.

You slowly lean in, almost painfully slow, but Donghyuck doesn’t dare rush you. When your lips do meet, both of you feel complete. The feeling of finishing a lifetime’s worth of work with one gentle kiss is the most delicious feeling ever, different from anything that either of you have ever experienced.

It’s slow and careful, but passionate and full of true love. No matter what happens in the future, it will always be your memory to savor and remember for the rest of your lives.

“___!” You hear Mark’s voice from your right, turning your head quickly to see him stick his hand up in the air and begin to make his way through the throngs of people between you two. You move towards him, attempting to meet in the middle, but somehow he ends up behind you, and you laugh as you attempt to meet again.

“Hey, Mark,” You look over him, noting how well he manages to pull off the choir robe that everyone else seems to look like a sack of potatoes in, “I didn’t know your concerts could get this packed. You guys could start your own group and make it big.” You look around while adjusting the flowers in your hand so they don’t get squished against your chest.

“Nah, it’s mostly just families that come to these concerts. Since there are a lot of vocal majors, there are a lot of families that show up.” He explains.

“So, what does that make me?” You joke, but Mark doesn’t seem to get it and tilts his head to the side.

“You’re Donghyuck’s girlfriend. That makes you family, right?” At the mention of your relationship, you glance down at the flowers in your hand, the flowers that are meant for the aforementioned boy. You nod, mumbling something like a ‘I guess’ before Mark looks down at his watch and sucks a breath through his teeth.

“Okay, I have to go warm up. Make sure you get a seat in the middle, that’s where it sounds best.” He gives you a quick wave as he walks away, and you manage to send one back. Before you know it, the doors to the auditorium open and people flood in to grab the best seat they can.

You barely manage to snag a seat in the middle, an older lady to your right and a grandpa to your left who seem to be unrelated and didn’t mind you sitting between them. You shrug off your coat as you look around, feeling anxiety build up in your chest. You know you don’t have anything to be anxious for, so you deduct that it’s probably Donghyuck.

He invited you to the concert today. For him, it’s part of his final grade for his vocal class and for you, it’s a chance to see him sing on stage. Strangely, he has talked about how much he loves to perform but never wants to sing in front of you. When he told you he auditioned for a solo in one of the songs, and ended up getting the part, you knew you absolutely had to come today.

Pulling out your phone, you send Donghyuck a text saying that you’re seated and that you wish him to break a leg. You see the read receipt pop up next to your text, and although he doesn’t text anything back, the anxious feeling in your chest subsides and you smile to yourself.

“Those are pretty flowers.” Turning your head to the lady on your right, you glance down at the bouquet of black-eyed susans on your lap.

“Oh, thank you.” You put your phone on silent and slip it into your pocket.

“They’re my mom’s favorite.” Your attention turns to a kid who sits on the other side of the woman. He can’t be any older than ten, and his feet don’t touch the ground as he swings them back and forth and looks up at his mother.

“Oh?” You ask, turning back to the older woman, “Would you like some?”

The woman seems to be stunned by your question, obviously not expecting you to hand over flowers at such a comment from her son. She looks almost flustered as she shakes her head at you.

“No, it’s okay. I bet those are for someone special?” She asks while nodding towards the stage.

“They’re for my… boyfriend.” You mumble, still not used to the words leaving your tongue, even though it has been more than a few weeks now.

“Then you should save them for him.” She nods and you smile back.

“But I want one.” The woman’s son pouts, and the mother nudges her foot against his leg. You laugh a bit, using your right hand to hold down the bouquet and your left to pull out a flower. Carefully, you hand it over to the little boy and he grasps it, his pout turning into a smile while he sings a ‘thank you’ and counts the petals on the flower.

The woman gives you a nod, and you all turn to face forward where the students are beginning to walk onto the stage.

The concert went well; you weren’t familiar with any of the pieces of music the choir performed, and many of them were in different languages, but you still enjoyed the performance by the many music students from your university. You managed to catch sight of Donghyuck fairly quickly, and Mark was just a few rows behind him.

Donghyuck’s solo fit his voice perfectly. Maybe you’re biased, but you think no one would be able to match his tone and technique to fit the song as perfectly as he did. Since it was the first time you heard him sing, you were a bit taken back by how amazing his voice sounds and how much control he has of it. It didn’t look like he struggled to hit the notes, and he looked like he was in his element on stage.

After the concert, you wait on the staircase outside of the auditorium building where you agreed to meet up with Donghyuck. You roll on your feet, jumping up and down slightly to keep warm. You clutch the flowers to you, scared that the cold weather might cause them to bend and begin to wilt quicker.

“Oh, it’s the flower lady!” You hear a familiar voice call out, and you turn your head to see the little boy and his mom from earlier… walking with Donghyuck? He has his choir robe hanging from one arm and his other hand intertwined with the little kid.

“Do you guys know each other?” Donghyuck asks, looking between the three of you with confusion.

“We happened to sit next to each other during the concert.” The woman explains, a grin growing on her face as she looks between you two. “This is your soulmate.” She doesn’t say it like a question, she says it plainly and nods her head in content.

“I’m sorry, did you already know who I was when we met?” You ask her.

“No, until I saw the mark on your left hand. I would recognize my own son’s mark anywhere.” Son? This is Donghyuck’s mother?! Your eyebrows must be up to your hairline and you think your mouth might be open, but you can only focus on remembering every little thing you said to her before the concert started to recall if you said anything dumb.

“Let me introduce you properly. This is ___, my soulmate and my girlfriend. ___, this is my mom, Sara, and my half-brother, Hyunjin.” Donghyuck gently takes your elbow and pulls you closer to him.

“It’s nice to meet you.” You politely greet them as if it’s the first time ever.

“Well, I like her. She gave me a flower.” Hyunjin exclaims.

“Back off, she’s mine.” Donghyuck jokes with the kid. “Thank you guys for coming today, by the way.” He continues, “I appreciate my favorite people being here for my first college performance.”

Donghyuck goes to hug his mom as she sets a kiss to his cheek that makes him cringe away slightly. However, you’re still struck to your spot from being included into Donghyuck’s group of favorite people. There’s a warm feeling in your chest at being included into something so special so early on in your relationship. There’s also some anxiety that comes with it, since promises that are made too early hurt the most, but you push the feeling away and soak in Donghyuck’s unconditional love.

After you all bid farewell to each other, and Sara and Hyunjin leave, you turn to Donghyuck with a deadpan expression, “You didn’t tell me I’d be meeting your family today.”

“Would you believe me when I say that I forgot they were coming?” He asks and you roll your eyes, not believing his words at all.

“These are for you.” You push the flowers into his chest and dig your hands into your pockets so that they can finally get warm, “Your solo was… interesting to listen to.” You say with annoyance dripping from every word.

“Thank you,” He replies cutely, not affected by your irritation. You roll your eyes again, but a smile tugs at your lips as well. “What kind of flowers are these? I don’t think I’ve ever seen them?” He asks while digging his nose into the bouquet.

“Black-eyed susans.” You reply, and Donghyuck gives you a weird look.

“That’s such a random flower.”

“They attract dragonflies.” You explain, nudging his side with your elbow. When you glance over to him, he has a smile playing on his lips.

“Should I be giving these to you, then?” He hands them over, but you push them back at him.

“No way. I’m already attracted to you.” You state, turning around to walk back down the staircase. When you don’t hear any footsteps following you, you turn around to find Donghyuck kneeling over with the flowers clutched close to him.

“Are you okay?” Alarm rises in your chest, especially when he shakes his head at your question.

“No, you just made my heart beat really fast and I’m afraid I’m gonna have a heart attack.” You would roll your eyes again, but you’re afraid they might roll out of your head at this point. You climb back up the stairs and yank on his sleeve jacket to make him walk alongside you.

“___, feel my heart. I swear it’s going to beat out of my chest.”

“Shut up, Donghyuck.”

“No, seriously, I think we should go to the hospital.”

“Shut up.”

In the morning, Donghyuck loves to wake up next to you. He has always been a spread-out type of sleeper; arms to the side, legs open, laying diagonally across the bed. Once you two moved out of your dorms and moved into an apartment together during your second year of college, Donghyuck’s way of sleeping changed dramatically.

Now, he can’t help but snuggle in, wrap his arms around you, tangle his legs in with yours, and do everything he can to sleep as close as he can to you. Maybe that’s why he suddenly woke up. The absence of you next to him made him shuffle awake, missing the frame of your body next to his like how it usually fits.

He groggily opens his eyes and immediately shivers, catching the open windows in the bedroom letting in fresh, cool, morning air. Donghyuck shivers once again, blindly reaching for the blanket and wrapping it around his head and shoulders, then making his way out of the bedroom in search of you.

He checks the kitchen, but you’re not there. Then he goes to the living room, and he sees your figure outside on the balcony, the curtains that are supposed to be hanging up in your bedroom moving with the wind as they hang next to you. He tightens the blanket around him and opens the glass door. Even though you definitely heard him come outside, you don’t turn around. You have a cup of something warm next to you and you’re leaning against the balcony while staring out into the city skyline, watching the sun rise into the sky to welcome the new day.

“Good morning.” Donghyuck mumbles as softly as he can. When you mumble back a reply, he opens the front of the blanket so he can swallow you into his embrace. His chin rests on your shoulder and tries to guess exactly what you’re looking at, but when he lifts his head to look at your face, your eyes are closed.

“So, do you want to tell me why our curtains are out here and not on our windows like they should be?” He rests his head against yours, also closing his eyes.

“I woke up and suddenly felt the urge to clean them, I don’t know.” You laugh a bit, making both of you move with the movement of your chest. Donghyuck smiles at your reason; one of the things he learned about you when you moved in together is that your work ethic comes in random bursts of energy, rather than carefully planned out schedules to follow. You always have a small goal for every day, and sometimes you don’t even know what it is until it randomly pops into your head. Although he doesn’t really understand how you’re able to work like that, he loves this little quirk anyway.

“Did I wake you up?” You whisper and nudge your head into Donghyuck’s, nuzzling back into him when a particularly strong gust of wind blows over the balcony.

“Not technically, no. You not being next to me woke me up.” He replies.

“Well, I’m here now. How about we sleep some more?” You ask, leaning back against him and looking at his face.

“Best thing I’ve heard today.” He sighs. Without letting you out of his blanket trap, he walks you both back into the apartment and into your bedroom, both of you beginning to giggle at one point when you almost trip over the blanket and crash into the ground.

Thankfully, you both made it back safely to the bed, falling into the soft mattress. Immediately, Donghyuck gathers you in his arms and cuddles you to him, almost like he’s latching onto you. You wrap your arms around him slowly and lean into his shoulder, placing a kiss against his collarbone. You were going to stop there, but when he lets out a whimper at the small press of your lips to his skin, you continue moving up his neck.

When you reach the space underneath his ear, he twitches at how you suck on the sensitive skin, not expecting you to pay closer attention there. His hand slides over your back, between your shoulder blades, and back down, pressing you to him as he caresses you and silently hopes you don’t stop what you’ve started.

You don’t seem to have any intention to do that when you lean back, looking up at Donghyuck’s big, round eyes as they stare down hazily at you and quickly connecting your lips. He kisses back slowly, as if taking his sweet, sweet time in loving you.

“I thought we were supposed to sleep?” You ask between kisses.

“We can sleep later…” He trails off, grabbing your hand and pulling you on top of him so that you’re straddling his hips. “... If you’re really tired we don’t have to.” He suddenly pulls away, his hand comfortably resting over your waist.

“No way. It’s too late for that.” You answer, pulling your shirt over your head and tossing it to the other side of the bed. A chill runs through you at the cold temperature in the room, goosebumps forming over your arms and your nipples hardening. Donghyuck wraps his arms around your middle and presses a kiss in the valley of your chest, moving over until he reaches your left nipple and taking it into his mouth.

Biting your lip, your hands find his hair and tug on the long strands. Donghyuck’s hands squeeze your sides and his fingers draw random, little lines over your bare skin as he sucks and plays with your nipples, switching between each one.

“Hyuck…” You whine, giving a particularly sharp tug to his hair when he bites down onto your right nipple. “Please…” You trail off.

“Hmm? Please what? What do you want.” He leans back and looks up at you. You comb your fingers through his hair, pushing it back away from his face and behind his ears. His eyes are clouded and hooded over by the thoughts of you that are speeding through his mind.

“Please, make love to me.” You say it shyly, your eyes looking over his face but not meeting his own. He can’t help but smile at your timidness. You act like it’s the first time those words came out of your mouth. He can’t help but find it endearing how you ask him to make love to you every single time you find yourselves in this position.

“Of course, anything for you.” He connects your lips again, keeping the slow and steady pace from before. He shifts around as he moves his boxers away. Breaking the kiss, you move his hands away and pump his shaft, glancing up at him as he leans back with his weight on his hands and his head leaning back.

He lets out whines every time you twist your wrist, and you almost want to take a moment and stay this way, loving the sounds coming from Donghyuck’s mouth and how he looks as he pants beneath you. However, the tension growing between your legs makes you stop and sit up, pulling off your own pajama bottoms and underwear, throwing them somewhere along with your shirt.

Donghyuck grips your hips with one hand, the other pressing his middle finger to your slick folds, watching you squirm from above as he slides his finger through slowly.

“Just— Can you just do something already?” You almost whine out, grabbing onto his arm hard enough that you leave crescent moons in his skin.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, yes, I’m sure.” With your permission, Donghyuck positions himself at your entrance and slowly brings your hips down, watching your reaction throughout it all. The way your jaw slacks and drops open to the way you swallow when your hips meet with his, closing your eyes in pleasure at how he manages to fit inside you so perfectly. When everyone says your soulmate is made specifically for you, they really do mean in every way possible.

You sit like that for a moment, before opening your eyes and looking at your lover. He helps you move your hips up and back down, you let out a gsap at the sparks that fly up your spine. Your hips start to move in unison, yours grinding down and his moving up to meet yours in a steady rhythm, like a dance to music only you two can hear.

Your nails hurt when they move over his shoulders and chest, leaving temporary marks, but Donghyuck doesn’t mind. Actually, he loves it when you tug on his hair and scratch up his back, his whines turning into full out groans when you lean in and attach your lips to the side of his neck, pressing hot kisses down to his collarbone and biting down gently in the same place this whole situation started.

“H-Hyuck, I—” Before you know it, you’re so close to your orgasm, it’s basically right in front of you to reach out and accept.

“I know, baby, I know. You can come, I got you.” He answers back messily, using the last of his energy to keep your hips in place and drive himself into you. You let out a shriek at the sudden pleasure, only a few more deep thrusts into your hole and you’re falling over him as your orgasm spreads to every crevice of your body.

Donghyuck loves the way your muscles seize and flutter around him, making him pant and his thrusts become sloppy as he comes as well, his warm seed filling you up as he rides through his high. You both fall into the mattress below, you on top of Donghyuck, too tired to roll over and opting to just rest on his sweaty chest.

“I think that was way better than sleeping.” He says, his chest rumbling underneath you as he speaks.

“What a good way to tire ourselves out.” You yawn.

In the last few moments before your tired bodies fall asleep, you find Donghyuck’s hand and intertwine your fingers together, happily and contently falling asleep with the fresh air coming through the window and the sunlight now fully streaming into the room.

In the late summer before your and Donghyuck’s last year of university, you attend a wedding. Not just any wedding: Yuqi and Lucas’ wedding.

Although the ceremony is held outside, there’s a nice breeze that keeps the guests from getting too hot and sweaty in the summer sun. The whole wedding is held in a botanical garden and the place is decorated in white and purple, lilacs and daisies filling vases everywhere you go and freshening the air with their scent.

You and Donghyuck walk into the room inside the administrative building that’s designated for the bride. Yuqi is there, her face shining brightly with happiness and a glow that can’t be stolen from her today.

When you walk in, you let out a sound of delight at how pretty your college friend looks in her wedding dress, taking note of the chamomile flowers that adorn her hairpiece.

“Ah, I can’t believe you’re here.” She all but shrieks, embracing you tightly with her small bouquet still in her hands. After she gives Donghyuck a small, welcoming hug, she backs away to look at both of you.

“You look amazing today, I can’t believe you’re actually getting married. Congratulations.” You say sincerely.

“I can’t believe it either, actually. I feel like we’ve been planning this for forever, and now the day is finally here.” She recalls, a blissful look in her eyes even though you’re aware of how much stress she has had during the past few months over this one day.

“Are you nervous?” Donghyuck asks and you nudge his side and send him a look for asking a question like that.

“No, I’m not,” Yuqi laughs, “I feel one hundred percent happy. Like I’m starting the next part of my life with the one I love.”

“I’m glad you can spend the rest of your life with your soulmate, you’re definitely luckier than most.” You muse, and she suddenly softens her expression and takes your hand in hers, gently holding onto you.

“I’m not marrying my soulmate. I’m marrying the one I love. It just happens to be the same person.”

After bidding your farewells and good lucks, you and Donghyuck walk out of the room and head to where the ceremony will be held. He pulls out of sunglasses, propping them on the edge of his nose, and then grabbing your hand and strolling through the exhibits on the way to the ceremony grounds.

Yuqi’s words ring in your head throughout the peaceful walk, specifically how happy she looked to be marrying the one she loves. Somehow, you never thought about separating soulmate from lover; those two people have always been one in your head. You always thought that there can’t be a soulmate without a lover, and there can’t be a lover without a soulmate.

But the moment with Yuqi reminded you of the first time Donghyuck properly confessed to you, the words you can still hear floating through your head whenever your mind wanders off and thinks about him.

“I think I would’ve fallen in love with you even if we weren’t destined to be together.”

Maybe Donghyuck has been wiser than you this whole time. Not that you’d ever admit that to his face, unless you’d like to hear about it at least three times a week for the rest of your life.

Every memory— every year that has passed by with Donghyuck has only grown the idea of soulmate and lover further apart in your mind, and it took the matrimony of your close friends to realize it. You don’t think it’s a bad thing; in fact, you’re lucky that you can call your lover and your soulmate the same person.

You feel something tugging at your hand, and when you look over at your lover, he looks at you expectedly.

“Huh?” You say, dumbfounded since you’ve been in your own little world for who knows how long. Donghyuck laughs, bending over a bit at the funny, bewildered look on your face before straightening up and looking over to you again.

“I said, what colors should we do for our wedding? I personally think I look good in red, but I’m sure we can figure out something less contrasting.” He explains nonchalantly, you realize he’s kicking a random pebble around as you walk. Looking around, confused out of your mind, you turn back to him.

“Are we getting married?”

“Well, yeah,” He does something between a laugh and a scoff before leaning next to you, a serious look that permeates through the shade of his sunglasses, “You do want to marry me, right?”

Your brain is in a complete fritz. If you had a whole day to think about this you could maybe make up a sentence that resembles a sophisticated answer, but you can only shrug.

“Uh, yeah, I guess.”

“You guess?” Donghyuck stops walking, “I just asked you if you want to get married, and you reply with ‘uh, yeah, I guess.’” He mocks your tone and it makes you roll your eyes at him.

“This is the first time we’ve ever talked about this and I got nervous.” You explain, making him relax and stand in front of you with his hands leisurely resting in his pockets. “Of course, someday I would like to marry you. I guess you’re… tolerable.” Donghyuck pushes you away from him and quickly walks down the path, twice as fast as he was walking before. You laugh and follow him, running slightly to catch up.

“Excuse me, Miss, would you like to leave a wish for the happy couple?” A sudden voice stops you, making you turn back around. A man stands with a camera, looking at you expectedly.

“Uh, how?” You look from the camera and back up to him.

“I’ll take your picture. You can write a wish on it and hang it up over there.” He points to the dozens of polaroids already hung up a few feet away, random people posing in the photographs with different color writing on every picture.

“Let’s do it.” Donghyuck comes up behind you, no doubt catching the last part of what the photographer said and pushing you lightly over to where there’s better lighting while taking off his sunglasses and tucking them into his shirt. The photographer asks you to pose, and you and Donghyuck smile for the camera, your eyes slightly shut due to the sun beating down on top of you.

“Great, how about one more for yourselves?” The photographer asks as he waits for the photograph to develop and you agree. This time, Donghyuck wraps an arm around you and pulls you closer so that your back is against his chest. You feel him rest his cheek on your head and drape his other arm around your front. You grab onto his forearm, not knowing what to do with your hands, and then suddenly the picture is taken and the photographer hands over both of the developed photos.

You take the second picture out of Donghyuck’s hands, not being able to look away. The sun seems to hit both of you just right, and the slight candidness of the photo adds another layer of reality to the picture. Donghyuck has a small smile while his cheek is slightly squished against your head, but he still looks as handsome as ever.

“What wish should we leave them?” He asks, picking up a golden sharpie from the table nearby, somehow already having his sunglasses back on.

“Maybe just… Congratulations on getting married?” You suggest.

“And a million other people will have the same thing. We need to be memorable.” He stresses and taps the end of the sharpie against his head. “What do you wish for Lucas and Yuqi?”

“I wish…” You think about it for a moment, “For them to have a lifetime of memories that they can share until the very end.” You nod.

“Oh?” Donghyuck looks at you, “When did you become a poet?” He asks as he writes that down at the bottom of the first picture.

“I’ve always been like this. I’m glad you just now figured it out.” You reply sarcastically, to which Donghyuck replies back with his own sarcastic laugh. He hangs up your picture close to where Mark and Xiaojun hung up their’s, and then turns back around.

“Alright, let’s get this show on the road.” He pushes up his sunglasses with his ring finger and thumb, walking with swagger towards the ceremony and grabbing your hand while he’s passing by.

“If you’re going to be like this at our wedding, maybe I’ll have to change my mind…”

For one today being one of the most awaited days of your life, it started out pretty regularly.

You wake up from the ringing of your alarm, get ready, and go to your classes for the day. You had breakfast before you left, and lunch right before your last class of the day. Even work was boring as usual, but nothing beat going to the store afterwards.

When you got to the aisle filled with shoes, you were first puzzled by how many options there are. So many colors and styles, you didn’t expect to be so overwhelmed and accidentally spent almost an hour just looking at every individual pair. This had to be perfect. This was going to be a memory that you thought about for the rest of your life.

You call Donghyuck when you approach your front door, he answers almost immediately.

“Hey, love, what’s up?” He yawns through the words, and you can’t help but smile as you look down at the bag in your hands.

“Oh, I was just wondering when you’ll be home.” You open the front door and shut it behind you, taking off your shoes.

“I’m right outside of our building. Did you just get home?” He asks, no doubt hearing the front door from your side of the line.

“I’ll talk to you when you get up here then, see you.” You send a kiss through the phone and abruptly end the call. If Donghyuck is right outside of the building he’ll be up to your apartment in just a few minutes.

You drop the rest of your things down at the front door and hurry into the kitchen, setting down the small white bag with a lace bow on top in the middle of the kitchen table, clearing the table of anything else. You slide into a seat at the table, fixing your clothes nervously as you hear the front door open. Not even a few seconds later, Donghyuck walks into the kitchen, his eyes moving from you to the white bag and back to you.

“What’s wrong?” He asks, dead serious. Your nerves and anxiety, and maybe even some fear, must be strong enough for him to feel. You shake your head and pat the chair next to you. Donghyuck takes a seat, he came through the door so quickly that he didn’t even take his shoes or his jacket off yet.

“Open the bag.” You can’t help the excited smile and small clap of your hands as he reaches out and holds the bag. He gives you a quizzical look, but you only nod to encourage him.

Donghyuck unties the lace ribbon, looking down into the bag for a few moments. You can’t read his face and you can’t feel any emotions from him, and your anxiety grows tenfold. He reaches in and pulls out the little shoes, a light blue color with white stitching. They’re so small, they can sit in Donghuck’s hand perfectly.

“What are these?” He asks, still looking at the shoes in his hand.

“Well, they’re shoes… For babies. For our baby.”

At your reply, he does nothing. He doesn’t react at all, which only worsens your nerves and makes your leg twitch up and down as you wait for him to say something. He swallows and sets the shoes on the table, still looking at then with a blank expression.

“You’re pregnant?”

“Yeah…” You reply, reaching out to put a hand over Donghyuck’s, “Say something.”

“I’m not sure what to say, this is very… sudden.” He tilts his head. Your stomach drops at the lack of emotion in his voice. You aren’t sure what you were expecting, but it was not this stoic expression in his face. Whatever traces of a smile that you had on your lips vanishes and you grip his hand tighter.

“I know this is not what we had planned. I know this is kind of… not good timing, since we’re still in school and not married, yet. But this is what fate had planned for us, I guess?” You’re not sure if you’re trying to console him or convince him, but the icky feeling in your stomach tells you Donghyuck’s reaction to the situation is not good.

“Yeah, fate did us real good.” Donghyuck replies sarcastically and you drop your hands from his, resting them in your lap. You can see the tears forming in his eyes even when he tries to look away from you, and you can feel the fear that’s boiling and overflowing inside him.

“I know you’re scared, I’m scared too. But we can get through this to—” You’re suddenly cut off by Donghyuck standing up abruptly.

“I’m not scared. I’m worried.” He rubs his face with his hands. “I’m worried that I won’t be able to support this kid. I’m worried I won’t be able to be here for you through it all. I’m so worried I’m going to end up like my father that I feel like it’s going to eat me alive.” He runs his hands through his hair, pulling his head back as he looks at the ceiling and paces around the kitchen.

“I never knew your father, but from what you told me, you’re nothing like him.” You stand up too, your legs feeling like jello.

“No, you don’t understand. What if I say something wrong and ruin this kid’s life like my father did to me? What if I can’t find a job after we graduate? Are you going to support all three of us? I can’t let you live like my mom did, it was too hard to watch back then and it’ll be even harder to watch now.” He suddenly stops, not giving you a chance to speak as he looks from you, to the little shoes, and back to you. “I can’t.”

“You… can’t what?” There’s panic rising in your voice as he shakes his head and backs away.

“I can’t be here, not around you or this baby. I won’t be a good father.” He turns and walks out of the kitchen, leaving you standing dumbfounded with tears brimming in your eyes. You move to the front door, watching at Donghyuck’s shaking hands pick up his keys and wallet.

“Are you leaving me? Right now?” He doesn’t look at you and he doesn’t answer, opening the door, “Wait!” You cry out. He stops, his shoulders tense and his hand clenching the doorknob.

“What about that promise you made me? Huh? You said that it’s not just a ‘you’ or a ‘me’ now. It’s an ‘us.’ You said you’ll do everything you can to not hurt us.” You ask, recalling the promise Donghyuck made back when you two were young college students, and a promise he has repeated and vowed to you over and over again every time your relationship got into a rough patch.

“I think… that what I’m doing is what’s best for us. It’ll be better if I wasn’t here. ___...” He looks back at your teary eyed figure with one last look of regret, “I love you. I’m so sorry.” And with that, he closes the door, leaving you all alone in your cold and dark apartment.

You jumped off of the bridge. You jumped off a while ago, actually, but the fall took longer than you expected. You thought Donghyuck would be there to catch you at the bottom, but he’s nowhere to be seen now. The fall was peaceful and enjoyable, a soft limbo between making the hardest decision in your life and the ultimate consequence of that decision. The fall was long and made you feel faux comfort, so when you reached the very end, it ended up hurting a lot worse. You knew jumping off of a bridge would kill you, so why did you jump?

You’re not sure how long you stand by the front door, but it’s long enough that the sun sets outside and the room turns dark. You stare at the door, waiting for Donghyuck to come back. You wait for the door to open and for him to run through, hugging you and whispering that he’ll be here for you. You can only walk up to the door and slide down onto your knees, your forehead pressed against the cool wood as you wait.

Tears run down your cheeks silently, your eyes red and your head hurts. You keep your forehead pressed against the door for the whole night, waiting for him to come back. You wait, and wait, and wait. Donghyuck never comes back.

Your heart rips open from pain, it feels like it’s bleeding onto the floor in front of you. Your mind is numb from any other emotion, your body is cold from sitting on the floor, but you can’t get yourself to stand up. That’s when you realize, this is it. This is how Donghyuck hurts you.

What a sick and twisted way for fate to finally serve up her plan. You almost forgot who Donghyuck is supposed to be; the one who loves you, and the one who hurts you the most.

— read epilogue here

[kpostedsum]

high | d.m

summary: you find an unhealthy way of coping after draco cheats on you

warnings: drug use (marijuana) angsty¿, cheating, illusions to sex

song: habits - tove lo

a/n: this fic isn’t meant to romanticize drug use in any way. i also know nothing abt weed so LOL and very rushed & not edited

masterlist | taglist

I eat my dinner in my bathtub

Then I go to sexclubs

Watching freaky people gettin' it on

It doesn't make me nervous

If anything I'm restless

Yeah, I've been around and I've seen it all

you had a few minutes left of your charms class which was your last class before the weekend. you wanted nothing more than to get out of here and cuddle up with your boyfriend— who was enjoying his free period right now.

draco was one of the best boyfriends you could ask for, the frequent dates, gifts, and attention— it was more than you could wish for.

“you’re excused. you essays are due at the beginning of next week” snapes monotone voice dragged on as you quickly packed up your things and made your way to the slytherin common room.

I get home, I got the munchies

Binge on all my Twinkies

Throw up in the tub

Then I go to sleep

And I drank up all my money

Days get kinda lonely

entering the slytherin common room your eyes immediately searched for a certain blond boy, yet he was nowhere to be found. you made your way to the boys dorms in hopes of finding him there but you’re quickly interrupted by two familiar voices.

“why hello y/n, marvellous weather we’re having today aren’t we?” theo asked looking towards the ceiling and smiling as if he were outside, blaise blocking your path as he did so.

“i’m not sure what weather you’re talking about since we’re inside but i am okay thank you” you responded with a chuckle, trying to make your way past blaise.

“wait y/n” he stopped you. “can i borrow the astronomy notes? i would ask luna but i can’t find her anywhere” blaise continued.

they both seemed awfully on edge and anxious, you figured it was just quidditch nerves getting to them since there was an upcoming game this week.

“i have yet to finish my astronomy notes, but i did see luna in the great hall if you want her notes. now if you’d excuse me i’d like to see draco” you said trying to push past the two boys who still wouldn’t let you through.

“forget malfoy! let’s do something instead, we’re so much more fun than him, right blaise?” theo said giving blaise a pointed look as he threw his arm around your shoulder.

“right you are nott, let’s go!” blaise continued also throwing his arm around your shoulder and leading you away from the boys dorm.

“what? no, i have plans with draco. now excuse me” you said pushing them both off and heading towards dracos door.

as you get closer to his door you can hear heavy breathing, pants and skin slapping on skin. you’re confused, you figured draco would be taking a nap or running over drills for quidditch practice. the closer you get, the louder the noises become.

“pans, you feel so good”

you recognize that voice anywhere.

You're gone and I gotta stay

High all the time

To keep you off my mind

Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh

High all the time

To keep you off my mind

Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh

quickly you turned your head towards blaise and theo who had their heads lowered in shame, refusing to meet your gaze. “is this some kind of sick joke, are you guys pulling a prank or something because this isn’t funny” you said seriously not wanting to believe what you’re hearing from inside of your boyfriends dorm.

“we’re sorry, we tried to convince him not too but he wouldn’t listen” theo muttered silently.

it felt like your world was breaking apart slowly. just not too long ago you were excited to spend a weekend with your boyfriend who you loved so dearly, the same boyfriend who you’ve been dating for years, the same boyfriend who gets jealous about how much time you spend with his mum rather than him.

with shaky fingers you put your hand on the door knob and quickly pushed the door open, already preparing for the worst.

there he was, wrapped up with parkinson in the same bed you two shared not even twenty-four hours ago. her body straddling his naked, just like yours was doing the night before. you stood there frozen, mouth agape— not even knowing what to do with yourself.

“baby, i can explain, just please— y/n please don’t leave” draco said pushing pansy off of him, shuffling on his pants and reaching out towards you.

“dont touch me, malfoy!” you yelled and everyone froze. “you lost the right to touch me the minute you even thought of touching her” you continued sending both him and pansy a glare with tears threatening to slip from your eyes.

“darling please, i can explain—”

“no draco, we’re done just leave me alone, please” your voice cracking at the end as you pushed past blaise and theo rushing towards the girls dormitory.

Spend my days locked in a haze

Trying to forget you babe

I fall back down

Gotta stay high all my life

To forget I'm missing you

Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh

it’s been days since you last left your room, days since you last saw draco. daphne would come by and check on you but you’d always dismiss her, wanting to be alone. regret is one word to describe how you’ve been feeling— you gave him everything and he threw it away so carelessly for a quick hook up.

you missed waking up against his smooth skin in his embrace, tracing the lines and scars across his porcelain skin as you waited for him to wake up, the way he’d try to kiss you in the morning without brushing his teeth and you wouldn’t let him because of morning breath— but he’d still do it anyways.

you missed him, but he didn’t want you anymore.

maybe it was something you’ve done, you’ve been quite busy with work recently so you haven’t been spending as much time with him as normal. he was probably lonely and trying to seek the attention you lacked to give him.

getting up, you stared at yourself in the mirror picking yourself apart. you were pretty, it was a well known fact around hogwarts, maybe he thought she was prettier. she was the life of the party and always up for some mischief whereas you preferred to do stuff in silence and would rather be with a small group of people. maybe he liked how exciting she was in comparison to you, she probably brought a spark of excitement to his life that you couldn’t.

dreading to feel something you quickly showered and got ready to leave your room hoping to run into a specific set of twins.

Pick up daddies at the playground

How I spend my daytime

Loosen up the frown,

Make them feel alive

I'll make it fast and greasy

I'm on my way to easy

“well what can we do for you today” fred said to you with a cheeky smile plastered across his face.

“do you have any muggle herb left?” you asked in a low voice making sure no one heard you.

“maybe we do, maybe we don’t” george said. “how much are you offering in exchange though” he continued.

“ten galleons for three ounces, is that enough” you said pulling the galleons out of your pockets and placing them in george’s palm.

“it was a pleasure doing business with you” they said in unison as fred placed the tiny baggie in your pocket so no one would see.

once you returned to your dormitory you quickly pulled out the pre-rolled muggle herb, lit it and let yourself forget.

You're gone and I gotta stay

High all the time

To keep you off my mind

Spend my days locked in a haze

Trying to forget you babe

I fall back down

Gotta stay high all my life

To forget I'm missing you

you started showing up to class late with red tired eyes, not caring about the looks you got. at this point every one knew what had happened but you couldn’t bring yourself to care.

the muggle herb brought you a sense of bliss and freedom, a new feeling you haven’t felt before but something that you now craved.

“are you high right now?” draco said as he sat himself in the seat beside you.

“since when do you care about what i’m doing” you said sharply, not wanting to talk with him.

“love, you don’t smoke. who gave that stuff to you, i’ll kill them—”

“no you won’t.” you said turning towards him. “you won’t do any of that because you don’t own me and i’m not your girlfriend anymore. so mind your business malfoy, i’m sure parkinson’s waiting for you”

the rest of the class you both sat in silence working on potions that draco did most of since you weren’t in the correct mind state and he wasn’t willing to let his mark falter over your slip up.

you find it amazing how even when you’re on drugs he still looks amazing. the way his nose curves perfectly with a slight bump, and the way his hands move with caution as he pours the potion into the waste bucket.

“look, i’m sorry for what happened with pansy. it didn’t mean anything i swear, i don’t know why i did it but i regret it with my life” draco said breaking your thoughts, he looked older than normal and had dark circles underneath his under eyes. you wondered why he looked so distraught when he wasn’t the one who got cheated on.

“a sorry isn’t going to fix this draco” you told him. he knew you were right but he didn’t want to admit it. he hadn’t talked to pansy since the day you walked in on them, the guilt has been eating him up inside. he stayed silent and didn’t bother respond to you, he knew anything he said would have made the situation worst than it already is— but how he wished you were still his sweet y/n.

“now if you excuse me, i have some fun to attend too” you said leaving him alone as you made your way back to your dorm.

Staying in my play pretend

Where the fun, it got no end

Can't go home alone again

Need someone to numb the pain

You're gone and I gotta stay

High all the time

To keep you off my mind

over the last few weeks, you couldn’t remember the last time you were sober. you started skipping classes to smoke and avoiding your friends so they’d stop questioning your habits.

you were forgetting and that’s all that mattered, you didn’t care how it was affecting your health— it made you feel better. sometimes you wished there was another way, another way to forget how he held you at night pressing soft kisses to your skin, another way to forget the way he took pansy the same way he took you. you wonder if he feels as sorry as he looks, he’s the one who cheated so he can’t possibly care that much.

you hear two knocks at your door which quickly break you from your state making you more attentive, cleaning yourself up and opening the door. there stood draco— his eyes red as well, like hes been crying.

“y/n listen, i know what i did was wrong and that i tried to pretend it wasn’t me but please. i didn’t mean too, you mean the world to me. i miss you so much love.” he pleaded with you.

“y’know draco, i miss you too” you admitted. “but i’ve found a way to forget about you, maybe you should do the same”.

Gotta stay high all my life

To forget I'm missing you

-

taglist: @mauvea @teenwolfbitches28 @ilygw @nic0lodean @s1ater @henqtic @justreadingficsdontmindme @i-love-scott-mccall @harmqnia @gwlvr @alishahpotter

[andvys]

Longing (part 1)

Warnings: “enemies” to lovers type of thing, slow burn, cocky!ellie, alcohol consumption

Pairing: Ellie Williams x reader

Ellie always thought you were the prettiest girl she’s ever seen in her life, you had the most beautiful eyes, the way they would always get lighter in the sun and the way they would always light up whenever you were happy about something. She loved how you would always put your hair into a braid and would still have strands of hair fall in front your eyes, you’d always put them behind your ears only for them to get loose again and fall in front of your eyes once more. She loved how fierce and badass you are, always ready for any situation. You are one of the best fighters in Jackson despite your age. Having seen it herself when you patrolled together, you fought skillfully, making Ellie wonder about where you have learned to fight like that. Anytime something went wrong or someone would say something about hunters or a horde of infected coming Jackson’s way, you’d always be first to volunteer to go and get rid of them. The way you held yourself, Ellie was sure that you could actually get rid of a group of people before they’d even make it to the gates of Jackson. She would never underestimate you. You really were a fascinating person.

If you just weren’t such a bitch.

You were nice to everyone but to her, well except for Seth. Always getting into a fight with the older man.

You weren’t necessarily mean to Ellie but you weren’t exactly nice either, you were sarcastic and feisty with her and you loved to push her buttons but you weren’t as good at it as she was, Ellie always had the upper hand in your little banters and she teased the hell out of you, leaving you annoyed making her smirk every time. She’d also jokingly flirt with you or make dirty jokes, leaving you uncomfortable or at least that’s what Ellie thought. She just loved getting on your nerves.

Dina would always try to convince Ellie that you actually liked her and you just had a funny way of showing that. Ellie would laugh at that every time, she knew you had some sort of resentment towards her for whatever reason.

You wanted to be friends with the girl you really did but something about her annoyed the hell out of you and she made you feel weird. You constantly bickered like little kids and you seemed to have a stand off every time you were patrolling together. She just pissed you off.

“You going to the dance tonight kid?” Joel asked you. Right now you were cleaning the rifles and shotguns in the shed you kept them in. Having injured your shoulder while on patrol a few days ago you were off patrol for a few weeks. So you were assigned for keeping the weapons clean. You were annoyed at that, you had worse injuries before and still fought but Maria wouldn’t let you out, not wanting to risk your health. So here you were boring yourself to death, at least Joel came in to keep you company.

“Umm I don’t know, it’s not really my thing.” You said. Laying the rifle on the table you looked at the older man. Since he and Ellie came to Jackson he became something like a mentor to you. You respected the older man, you already learned more from him than your own father and he was there for you whenever you struggled with yourself.

“That’s what Ellie said too.” You avoided looking at him at the mention of Ellie. You thought, he assumed that you two must be friends, considering you’re in the same friend group. You didn’t even know they were talking again.

“She did?” You asked avoiding his eyes.

“Yes.” He studied your face. He was not stupid, anytime he’d bring up Ellie you got quiet and awkward same with Ellie she reacted the same way at the mention of you.

“Are you going?” You asked him, changing the topic quickly.

“Yeah and you should come too.” He said.

“We’ll see, do I get to have a drink?” You asked, giving him a hopeful smile. He never let you drink.

“Are you 21?” He asked giving you a pointed look.

“Ugh come on Joel, I’m 19 plus I’m allowed to blow up things and kill people and infected but I’m not allowed to have a drink every once in a while?” You said shaking your head.

Joel laughed at that “well maybe you can have a little.” He said.

“Finally, I wanna get drunk.”

“You’re allowed to drink but you’re not allowed to get drunk kid.” Joel said sternly.

“I’ll take what I can get.” Smiling at him. He got up and walked towards you, ruffling your hair.

“I gotta get going, I’ll see you at the dance.”

“Ugh, see ya.” You said annoyed at him for messing up your braid.

Stepping out of the little shed once you were done with your assignment you stood there enjoying the fresh air for a second after being in that shed all day.

Deep in thought you were looking down on your way home, not watching where you were going you ran into something or rather someone, almost falling down if it wasn’t the strong arms catching you by your waist, grabbing their arms you looked up at your savior only to realize that it’s Ellie still with her hands on your waist she had a cocky smirk on her face.

“Careful there (y/n), you almost fell for me.” Smirking at you.

You groaned at that, letting go of her arms you took a step back making her hands let go of your waist.

“Do you want me to escort you home? I don’t want you tripping and falling for someone else.” She said, teasing you

“No thanks Williams, now if you’ll excuse me.” You said, trying to walk past her only for her to step in front of you not letting you go yet, probably to annoy you some more.

“You going to the dance tonight?” Ellie asked. Studying your face.

“Yup.” You replied, looking down on your shoes, avoiding looking at her pretty face.

“Nice, I’ll be there as well.” Ellie said.

“I know, Joel told me.” Shit why did you just say that, you wanted to slap yourself now she knew you and Joel talked about her. Now she would think you’re interested in her, well you are but she doesn’t have to know that.

“Oh, talking about me with Joel when you could talk to me?” She teased.

“Whatever I’m gonna go now, see ya Williams.” You said, this time she stepped aside, letting you leave.

She watched you leave, deep in thought about you she didn’t notice Jesse appearing next to her, throwing an arm around her.

“Man you have it bad for our girl here.” Jesse said, smirking at her. He was aware of Ellie having some sort of feelings for you. It wasn’t hard to see that, Ellie always looked like a kicked puppy around you.

“Shut up, Jesse” Ellie said annoyed.

“She likes you too.”

“What?! No she doesn’t. I’m pretty sure she hates me.” Ellie said, looking down, she began walking away.

Jesse followed her. “She doesn’t hate you, I’ve seen how she acts around people she hates and you aren’t one of them.” He said.

“Well I- so what she likes me now?” She asked. Not believing that you could feel anything towards her but hate.

“She likes Dina and Joel or Tommy and Maria, I’m pretty sure she likes me too, I’m awesome.” Jesse smirked at the last part. “But you? I’d say there’s a little more than “like” Ellie.”

“Are you trying to tell me she has feelings for me?” Ellie laughed at that. Jesse was ridiculous and stupid if he thought you could have feelings for Ellie. Not that she didn’t wish for that but it was too good to be true.

“You know what they say about hate. Love and hate are two sides of the same coin.” Jesse confidently said.

Ellie laughed at that, “alright whatever.” She thought about that. She genuinely couldn’t see you liking her.

It was a little crowded at the dance once you got there. You usually avoided going to these things, not liking being around many people but Dina always made you come. Looking at you with her puppy eyes, you couldn’t say no to the girl.

Looking out for Dina and Jesse you weren’t able to find them. Huh she bugged you about being there on time but she herself wasn’t even here yet. Looking around you saw Ellie standing at the bar. You stared at her for a while.

Suddenly she looked your way, catching you staring at her she started smirking, rolling your eyes at her.

She waved at you to come over. You’d rather have Dina and Jesse be there as well, not trusting yourself to be around the girl without anyone around but you didn’t wanted to be alone so you walked over to her.

“Hey (y/n), if I didn’t know any better I’d say you were just checking me out from over there, that’s kinda creepy.” Ellie said with a teasing smile. Leaning against the bar.

Feeling embarrassed now you rolled your eyes.

“You wish, Williams.” You said sitting down on the bar stool next to her.

“What if I do?” She asked you, smirking.

“I- um.” Not knowing what to say you quickly changed the subject. “I need a drink.”

“I’ll get you something, wait here.” She left you alone.

“Alright, thanks I guess.”

Coming back she gave you the drink. Taking it from her hand your fingers touched for a second, avoiding her eyes you took a sip of the drink. Almost coughing at the taste, Ellie laughed at you.

“You never had whiskey did you?” She asked.

Shaking your head “you?” You asked curiously.

“Yeah.” Nodding at her words, you looked around.

Sitting in silence for a while, you watched all the couples dance. Feeling Ellie’s eyes on you the whole time. You glanced at her, noticing that her glass is empty, you figured it’d be a good opportunity to get away from her for a second.

“Should I get you a new one?” You asked her. “A drink I mean.”

“Uh sure.” She gave you her glass, you walked towards the bartender guy. Ellie had a chance to admire you from the side.

Waiting for the bartender to bring you your drinks, you saw someone heading your way from the side, turning to look who it was you saw it was Joel.

“Hey kid.” He pulled you in for a hug. He always gave the best hugs, they were always warm and safe.

“Hi Joel.” Smiling at him.

“I see you and Ellie are alone tonight.” He looked towards Ellie, who was taking a seat at one of the smaller tables, waiting for you.

“I- yeah. We are waiting for Dina and Jesse.”

“I’m afraid they’re not coming tonight. Haven’t they told you?” He asked.

“What? But I- they told us they’d be here.” You said confused. Why would they tell you come here if they weren’t even here.

“I talked to Jesse today, he said him and Dina are having a date tonight.” Joel said.

“Oh well, I didn’t know.” You laughed. Great now you it was just you and Ellie.

The bartender brought you your drinks, putting them in front of you hitting you with the smell of whiskey, you gave Joel a cheeky smile.

He put a hand on your shoulder, “drink responsibly kid, and take care of Ellie.” He said.

“Yes of course, I promise.”

“Alright, well go on and have fun.”

“Alright you too Joel, I’ll see you.” You smiled at him taking the drinks in both hands you walked over to Ellie. Setting them down on the table you sat down next to Ellie.

“Well it seems like our friends have ditched us.” You said annoyed.

“What?” Ellie furrowed her eyebrows at that.

“Yeah Joel said they have a date night.”

“Great.” Ellie suddenly felt nervous. Being alone with you would surely end bad, she was scared that she’d accidentally confess her stupid crush on you or something.

“I know we’re not friends or whatever but I feel like getting a few drinks, what about you?” You asked. Ellie hated that you didn’t even see her as a friend but you usually avoided her like the plague and you’d never ask her to hang out with you, a year ago you’d just leave if none of your friends were here but Ellie guessed you must’ve warmed up to her a little if you asked her to keep you company.

“Yeah sure.”

Throughout the whole night you and Ellie bickered about every little thing, sarcastically replying to everything the other would say. You definitely wouldn’t be friends anytime soon but you two did kind of enjoy this night.

You were currently walking home side by side. Having a discussion about weapons. Arriving in front of your home, you talked for a few more minutes, fighting on which weapon is the better choice, in any situation.

“Alright, whatever Williams you’re right, I’m wrong.” You said, rolling your eyes at the girl. Walking backwards to your door.

“You know I’m right (y/n)!” Ellie said teasing you.

“Go home Williams!”

“Yes ma’am.” Ellie grumbled, turning around she started to walk back home.

Ellie thought about this night. It was the first time you willingly spent time alone with her. She enjoyed it even if you were still your usual sarcastic self, she still enjoyed it. Hoping to see more of you, without having the rest of your friends around. She liked to be alone with you, not that she would admit it to anyone.

[samuel-de-champagne-problems]

49%

Title: 49% 

Summary: If there’s one thing that Spencer hates more than rejection, it’s spontaneity. But sometimes the things (and people) we love outweigh the things that we hate.  AKA a series of events leading up to a weekend wedding between the BAU’s finest Dr. Spencer Reid and his partner in crime, Y/N. 

Word Count: 1365 

Warnings: none 

Author’s Note: I hope that you enjoy reading this! I really appreciate all of the support and kind words :) 

49%

Spencer Reid is terrified. Nothing could compare for the pure fear that courses through his veins in this moment. Not even the times he’d run into hostage situations without wearing a Kevlar vest or even in the most lonely parts of his life. He figures that he’s terrified because he has so much to lose. Never in his life did he have someone that loves him as much as Y/N does. And that terrifies him. Somehow, when Spencer is with Y/N he’s simultaneously a man numb with love and a little boy shaking with fear. He knows that he should have gotten over this fear of rejection years ago. He knows that Y/N would never intentionally hurt him. He knows that she loves him more than anything. 

So why? Why is he so terrified to ask her to marry him? Logically, there’s no reason for her to say no. They’ve been together for 3 years, which is long enough at their age to enter into an engagement. It’s not like she doesn’t want to get married; he’s seen her Pinterest wedding moodboard. She talks about their children, almost like they're already here. She wants to get married and she wants to have kids, but the question that bounces around in Spencer’s mind is does she want that with him? 

“Next!” the barista calls Spencer forward to the counter to order. 

“Hi, I’ll have an extra large black coffee with 6 Splendas, and uh, a large iced green tea with honey,” Spencer orders, pulling out his credit card to pay for the drinks. Coffee is probably not the wisest choice, but what can Spencer say the heart wants what the heart wants. 

Spencer awkwardly waits for his drinks, trying to ignore the small box that burns a whole in his pocket. He’d bought the ring a couple of months ago, right after a case that both of them almost didn’t come home, or worse almost came home in a casket. 

“Two drinks for Spencer!” a barista from behind the counter calls, telling him that his drinks are ready. Spencer takes a sip of his coffee, the sweet liquid burning his tongue. Taking a look at the time on his watch, Spencer decides that it’s time to head to the park. 

It’s a short walk to the park, but it seems like it’s the longest walk of his life. Maybe if he wasn’t so nervous or terrified, he'd be able to enjoy how beautiful was. Spencer might be a complete ball of nerves, but he’s a romantic at heart. He wants this to be a perfect start to their perfect life. He finds the park bench that he told Y/N to meet him at. He sits there, waiting for her to show up and waiting for their life to start. 

Spencer’s leg bounces up and down. He should have worn a different pair of shoes. These Converse are so old and ratty, he thinks. He thinks he looks ridiculous in his cardigan and corduroy pants, what was he thinking? He can’t actually expect that she’s going to yes to him. 

While his thoughts are occupied by the constant inner commentary of rejection and ridicule, he fails to her the leaves crunch behind him. His vision goes black when his eyes are covered by a pair of familiar feeling hands. Y/N’s laugh gives it away instantly, but Spencer’s constant vigilance does cause him to yelp in a high pitched squeal. 

“Spencer! It’s me honey,” Y/N says, wrapping her arms around his neck and peppering his cheek with quick kisses. It’s the kind of kisses that say “I’m happy to see you” and “You’re the only one I want to see”. It’s at times like these that he doubts his doubts; maybe he can have faith and hope and lean into the romantic side of himself. The side of himself that sees them walking in the park with a baby stroller, playing on the playset with their children, teaching their kids how to drive in the parking lot and sitting on this bench when their backs hurt all the time and their faces have a few more wrinkles.

“I’d know that laugh anywhere, Y/N” Spencer says, watching her move to sit next to him on the bench. 

“Ohh, thanks for the iced tea!” She says, taking a sip of the cold drink. Even though it’s barely winter, Spencer still can’t believe that she can drink iced beverages in any kind of weather below 50 degrees. He nods and kisses her on her cheek, which causes a small giggle to emerge. Spencer is still kind of surprised that his affections can elicit such happy responses from her. 

“So,” Y/N starts. “Why did you leave our house at 7:00 AM and text me to meet you here?” 

“Umm,” Spencer says, the nerves bubbling to the surface. You can do this, Spencer, he thinks. You can do this, she’s not going to say no. She can’t say no. At this moment, Spencer is really wishing he had his passport with him and a getaway car to jump in, just in case Y/N says no.

“Did you know that only 3% of weddings happen in a courthouse?” Y/N asks at a completely stunned Spencer. 

“Yeah,” Spencer says timidly, not entirely sure where this is panning out, but grateful to listen to his girlfriend. It beats the alternative, him saying something stupid and her laughing at him; him fleeing the state and ending up a magician in a Las Vegas casino. 

“Yes, courthouse weddings are a great alternative, they’re affordable and efficient for couples who just want to get married without all that fuss,” Y/N adds, looking at Spencer. 

She’s profiling you, Spencer thinks. Don’t make eye contact. He knows (and she knows) that the moment he looks into her eyes, he’s done for. Las Vegas here he comes….

“And 51% of marriages end in divorce,” Spencer tells her, before he can even think about what he’s saying. Great he thinks, the day that he’s supposed to propose to her, he’s talking about divorce statistics. 

“You know that I failed statistics in college, Spence?” Y/N asks him. 

“I think I remember you mentioning that,” Spencer says, now thoroughly confused as to where this is going. 

“I have an evil plan to seek revenge against statistics, so I think that it’s my life mission to prove them wrong,” Y/N finishes, pulling something out from her bag. 

Spencer can feel his heart beating in his chest. He’s even more terrified than he was before. Suddenly all those songs that Y/N made him dance to late in the middle of the night make complete sense. 

“But, I also think that it’s my life mission to spend the rest of my life with you, Spence. So, I know that it’s not alway the case for the girl to propose marriage, but I think that you deserve someone to propose to you,” Y/N says, very quickly. 

Spencer sits there on the bench with Y/N sitting right next to him, utterly speechless. Did she just….

“You want to marry me?” Spencer says, dumbly. 

“Of course I do, Spencer! Give me your hand, I got you an engagement ring and-”

Spencer, suddenly fearless, cups her face in his hands, effectively making her quiet. He works on the surge of confidence, leaning in and kisses Y/N on the lips. It’s like he’s kissing her for the first time in his life. It’s like his first kiss ever, but it’s the first kiss of all the kisses of the rest of their life. 

“So I’ll take that as a yes,” Y/N says, breaking apart from Spencer. 

Spencer lets out a laugh, completely forgetting why on Earth he was so scared to propose. 

“So you’re not the only one who had this idea, Y/N” Spencer tells her, reaching into his cardigan pocket. He hands her the velvet box and reveals the vintage ring that he picked out from the second hand jewelry store. 

“Spencer? Is this why you told me to come here? Oh God, I ruined your proposal!” Y/N says, embarrassed that she messed with Spencer’s plans, knowing how nervous he can get. 

“On the contrary Y/N, I’m sure that this is the best possible proposal,” Spencer tells her, as she lays her head against his shoulder. 

“Spencer,” Y/N says, suddenly serious. 

“Yes, fiance?” Spencer teases. 

“How would you like to be in the 3% of marriages? Like as soon as possible. Like tomorrow? I don’t think I can wait another second not being married to you,” she confesses. 

“As long as we’re in the 49%, I’ll do anything you want.”