#also this is badly written because i don’t care enough to edit my rant about my comm class

[shaaaaaaar]

also, since i’m rambling on tumblr a little bit i’m gonna continue to talk about thoughts and shit.

it’s kinda surprising to me how little i care about my comm class suddenly. it’s a requirement so that doesn’t help, but i also didn’t know that when signing up and it doesn’t really influence my lack of care.

i’m also surprised because my professor is genuinely really nice. i have some grief with her (which i will get into) but she’s like, genuinely very nice. she’s caring, and she clearly likes what she’s teaching. she dedicates a lot of energy to her teaching and her students.

but despite that, there’s a lot that feels… meh to me about this class.

firstly, my peers give even less of a shit than i do. like, our class is not active at all. it’s partly due to the class being required so many people just don’t care and partly due to the class being at 9 am, but the vibe of the class is kinda unnerving for me in a way that’s hard to describe. even the professor often comments about how quiet we are.

i also feel really bad for my professor due to how distant my class is. she genuinely cares about us and the topic and isn’t getting that reception. i remember i had to ask if i could do my first speech at the last day availible because i wasn’t able to work on it earlier, i had an essay to finish that was more pressing. and she replied that she gets it, a lot of kids put her class at the end of their priorities (and added its probably bc comm is required). and i felt so bad in that moment, firstly because her class isn’t at the back of my priorities at all (i just hadn’t gotten started because my mental health crashed for two weeks and that put me behind on work; the essay i worked on instead was a week late when i got it in because of that crash) and secondly because like holy shit that’s so sad to hear, especially with how much care she gives to us and to her job.

and i know i’m part of the problem, since i have fallen more into the “doesn’t give a shit anymore” crowd. wouldn’t be fair to hide that. but also, i really do feel like she deserves better. it’s not fun for anyone involved when our class is completely dead. it also worsens my lack of active present-ness in class because i end up feeling awkward as the one guy speaking up a bunch, so i shy away a little bit.

secondly, i don’t like the material of our class in a… very strange way. see, my textbook is actually insanely inclusive. it’s mindful of and highlights how different cultures communicate, puts effort into not being extremely eurocentric, addresses race and being respectful of that, and addresses a lot of topics relating to inclusivity. hell, there was an entire section about trans people and on several occasions queer people have also come up to challenge heteronormative beliefs. aroace people are never addressed (which i was looking for in the romance chapter out of curiosity and because i am aroace myself) but i kind of expected that anyway because aro/ace invisibility what’s new.

but it’s baffling to me that, despite how otherwise inclusive the book is, neurodivergent people are never brought up. neurodivergency can often impact the ways people communicate (it does for me at the very least) and i think it should be important to at the very least note that neurodivergent people exist.

i’ve often felt very isolated in class because of my neurodivergency making a lot of what we talk about more difficult for me. nonverbal communication was a strange unit for me because everyone had a much better read on stuff like body language than i did. and it’s so odd to me that the book can be so inclusive while also being focused exclusively on neurotypical people.

lastly, i think my professor is doing… not the best job at teaching us. not because she’s a bad professor, because she’s not. the issue is she’s extremely light on us. in some cases it’s extremely helpful, for example we all need to pass two speeches to get credit for the course and she’s letting people redo speeches if we get below a certain grade (either if you fail it or get a c or below). but sometimes she is way too coddling.

we have to do an interpersonal theatre paper. it was first a film paper, but she made it a theatre paper bc students often don’t turn it in. making it a theatre paper would base the essay off of our school play, which we got free tickets to watch, and the professor said we could work together on it. which is fair, and i appreciate the consideration!

but by working on it, i mean doing a lot of it in class. fine, but sometimes its a little much. i’m talking about figuring out the headers within the paper, structuring the paper together, gathering topic ideas all together, like a lot of the work is being taken out. which is still fine i suppose, maybe i’m just an overachiever by being bothered.

except one of the things the professor did is literally write an introduction for us, give permission to literally copy and paste it, and said it can count as one of our two sources. the theatre show counts as a source too. that’s WAY too much coddling for me, hell no. at that point, might as well write the whole damn essay for us.

i talked about it with my dad on the way home from therapy this week and he brought up that the help being offered is still way too much but it’s good for kids that really are just there for the requirement; it’s a case of “you get what you give”. it’s an easy a, after all. and he’s right, but this is both a literal college class and also retracting from a lot of the skills being practiced in this essay. i’m biased in being frustrated, after all i’m a writer (i hope), but i still think it’s a little excessive how much easier the essay is being made to be.

essay tangent aside, the professor is often very light when it comes to stuff in class in general. i cherrypicked an extreme case, but there’s still a lot of smaller instances of this same coddling. and i get it. she genuinely wants the best for her students. she wants everyone to succeed, she wants to accomodate for everyone and she genuinely cares about us. that is invaluable in a professor. but you can still be flexible and work with students in a way that’ll help them succeed, but also not make class into a walk in the park. while i appreciate what she’s doing, i think she’s leaning too far into being lenient, to the point where it’s detrimental.

though in fairness, an easy professor like her is something many students want. i’m just not one of those people.

i’ve been noticing that, across the course of the semester, i’ve become less and less inclined to speak and be active in class. honestly, i’ve been getting shyer too, i don’t like participating. and every time i wonder to myself “huh, guess i’m just having a day.” only to go to my english class directly after and be extremely active and talkative and present.

and as someone whos default in classes is to be someone very present and active in class, it’s… not a good sign that i’m acting so differently in my comm class.

[btssaysstudy]

Cheer || jjk.

Pairing: Jungkook x reader Genre: fluff, cheerleader!yn x athlete!jk (requested by anon) Warning(s): minor swearing, alcohol, drinking games mentioned, college after game parties, reader is a cheer athlete, jungkook plays rugby, stress from expectations WC: ~9.9k (this is the longest I've ever written I hope it doesn't flop!!) Summary: You felt that your cheer team was under-appreciated by certain people — specifically the rugby team that your cheer team supports during their matches. How is it that their star player, Jeon Jungkook, manages to find his way into your life despite having a bad impression of the rugby players? Update (6/8): Made an edit

You always loved being in a team. That would explain why you were where you were. Standing on the mat in the indoor gym with your cheer team on a Friday night. Cheer was beyond exhausting, but you still loved doing it, especially with the team that you got in college. Your coach - a perfectionist - always drilled you guys over the minute details. That would also explain why you were still practicing for something so ‘trivial’ - your opinion, not your coach’s.

Your team was practicing the routine for the rugby team’s qualifying match on Monday. It was a simple routine - as always. Your team didn’t do championship level routines during such events, you were all just there as moral support and being the hype people for the team. All you had to do was cheer with your pom poms, throw in a couple of stunts and the crowd would go wild.

But every event was a chance to get better, to get closer to perfect, according to your coach. And you did not disagree. You just never looked forward to cheering for the rugby team even after all the events. Despite your team always cheering for the football club, you could say you disliked most of them. It always felt as though they didn’t appreciate the moral support and took you guys for granted.

“Might want to look happy, yn.” You heard a playful remark from behind. Jimin, your most trusted base.

“I’ll keep that in mind. Just don’t drop me.”

There was no way you could pull off your stunts if you didn’t have trust in your teammates. And you could say you trusted Jimin with your life - literally. Accidents and mistakes were bound to happen but there was no doubt that you’d be down to try for anything if Jimin was your base.

Not only was Jimin a trustworthy base, but he was also an amazing stunter. His physique was perfect to be an in between, he could pull off both roles. That almost guaranteed him a spot on the mat every time. He was extremely hardworking as well and you’ll always be proud of your best friend making mat. Of course, you wanted to make mat just as badly as the next person.

Last season, you did not make mat and it crushed you. Jimin was there to get you out of your rut and encouraged you to bounce back stronger. Thanks to him, you managed to pick yourself up and train harder for the upcoming nationals. You had never been more determined to make mat.

“Point your toes, I want my flyers looking really perfect.” Your coach yelled over the music. Your coach was a beast, but an effective one, nonetheless. Your team won nationals last season and ready to bag this season as well.

“Alright, that’s all for today. Clean the place up and you guys can go home. Thanks everybody!” Your coach clapped their hands and the team followed suit as everyone got up from the mat and started tidying the place.

“Need a lift?”

“Yes please, you’re the best!” You pulled Jimin in for a tight hug, “Okay, you do this then!” Jimin handed you the empty bottles that he picked up from the ground as he headed off the change first.

You grumbled but took his place in defeat.

—

Big smiles were plastered on your faces as you congratulated the winning team - your college. You best friend nudged you while you waved the team goodbye as they passed by. “Coming to the after party?”

“Wouldn’t miss the free drinks and snacks.”

Jimin snorted, “Obviously.”

Though you did say that it felt like the cheer team was under appreciated, you were always invited to the after parties. Most of you went, mainly for the free drinks and snacks.

You flashed two thumbs up with Jimin as Yoongi passed by. A small smile on his face as he slightly bowed his heads in your direction, acknowledging your cheers.

Through all the after parties, you have been acquainted with one of their star players - Min Yoongi. He was one of the few who hung out in the kitchen to avoid all the party games and the crowd in the general. He disliked the unnecessary glamour and attention that came along with joining the rugby club. You admired his passion for rugby and along with Jimin, the three of you became the trio who hid away from the crowd during the parties.

After the debrief with our coach, your team dispersed to your own places to freshen up for the after party. It was a Friday night, and a good night of drinking was warranted after a tiring week.

You were all lucky your coach was not strict regarding such parties, as long as everyone turned up ready for the following practice.

“Glad to see faces I actually like.” Yoongi commented, handing you two drinks he had already prepared. “You make it sound like you hate everyone on your team.”

“I would say a good majority. I’m actually jealous that your cheer team is so close knit.”

Jimin nudged you after you downed your shot, “Without trust, our stunts won’t fly.”

You nodded your head in agreement, “Probably should get my team to watch your practices to learn a thing about team spirit.” Yoongi scoffed, mostly to himself, knowing that realistically, it would never happen.

The three of you turned your attention to the living room, watching Yoongi’s teammates either play beer pong or trying to find their fling for the night.

“They’re skilled, no doubt. But most of them are here for the popularity. It’s rare to find someone who genuinely likes football too.” Yoongi ranted as you poured himself another shot.

“Is there not a single soul?” Jimin asked, feeling a tinge of pity for his friend who was not experiencing the same level of love for his team as Jimin did for the cheer team.

Yoongi’s eyes scanned across the room, slowly shaking his head before his eyes landed on someone. “Actually, there is— Jungkook!” He raised his hand, shouting over the loud music as he tried to get someone’s attention.

You turned your head to see Jungkook approaching your group. “Jungkook? Really?” You questioned Yoongi. Jungkook was one of the star players as well. It was impossible not to know Jungkook. You could walk down any corridor in campus, and you would hear someone mention his name at least once.

“Hey,” Jungkook greeted Yoongi before his eyes shifted to yours and Jimin’s. “What’s going on?”

Yoongi shrugged his shoulders, “Just wanted to introduce you to some of the members from cheer.”

“From cheer, huh?” The corner of his lips tugged upwards as his eyes went back to you.

“I figured you won’t recognise us, even though we’ve been at your parties since, well… Basically here every party.” You didn’t mean to sound so harsh, but it just came out from you. You heard Jimin chuckle from beside you as he draped his arms over you.

“Sorry bud, yn here doesn’t have a good impression of you guys.”

“It’s not like you have a better one.” You bit back at Jimin who just stuck out his tongue at you. “That is true,” He pulled away as he took a drink, “We were actually just bitching about you guys with Yoongi.”

Jungkook’s eyes widened in bewilderment, yet he felt amused enough to stay and find out more. “Is that so, Yoongi?”

His teammate nodded his head nonchalantly, “Just sharing the truth. About how most of them are here to be popular. I called you because I know you’re one of the few who actually joined for rugby.”

Jungkook huffed out an amused hum, “Interesting. What are your names again?”

“Yn and Jimin.” Jimin instantly replied, knowing you were probably going to reply with a snarky comment. “Part of the cheer team, like Yoongi said. She’s mainly a flyer and I’m a base and tumbler.”

You watched as his eyes furrowed in confusion, “S-Sorry I don’t know cheer terms.”

“Not surprised.” You let the words slip as you took a sip from your cup. Jungkook’s eyes looked at you, a hint of challenge and interest on his expression.

“If you have something against me, let’s hear it.”

“Don’t take it personally, Jungkook.” You reached out to give a light pat on his right chest. “I had a bad impression on Yoongi as well.”

With that, Yoongi sighed, nodding his head in the back. “It’s a miracle she likes me now.”

“Well, why don’t you give me a chance to change that impression then?” The left corner of his lip rose a playful look on his face as he challenged you.

It could be the alcohol or could be the loud music that made you disoriented. Nonetheless, you reached out your hand for a handshake, “You’ve got one chance.”

Jimin and Yoongi left the kitchen to enjoy their own time together. You had an inkling that something was stirring between them, but you decided to let them be as you were left alone with Jungkook in the kitchen.

“So, yn,” Jungkook shifted in the high stool, leaning on his right elbow, his attention focused on you. “Care to explain why you seem to hate my team so badly?”

“Buckle your seatbelts, Jeon.” You teased as you reached out for your drink. You watched his attention eyes fixated on yours as he waited for your answer. “I dislike your team because it feels we don’t get the appreciation I feel we rightfully deserve. We’re always there for your plays, even for your friendlies. The support just feels one sided and to me it sucks when we put in a lot for our routines as well.”

You watched him slowly nod his head in understanding, his body leaning backwards as he internalised your words. “I have to admit. I never really paused to think about your cheer team. I mean your outfits and pom poms are cute and all— “

Pointing your finger at him, you interrupted, “Exactly, we’re not just cute outfits and pom poms. We only use the cheesy pom poms for your matches to make the crowd all hyped up. Do you even know we have our own competition as well?”

Jungkook shrugged his shoulders, “Of course I do. Just never watched one.”

You let out a short, dry laugh, “It’s okay. Can’t say I’m surprised.”

Jungkook frowned, noting the dejected tone laced in your laugh and words as you tried to dismiss it. As an athlete himself, he knew how dejecting it must feel that support was one sided or lacking.

“Hey,” He placed the cup on the counter, “Why don’t you educate me? I’d like to know more.”

You smiled, “You’re pretty good at changing your first impression. You’re working really hard.”

He laughed, shaking his head, “No no, I mean it. It’s not just about changing your opinion of me. Tell me about cheer.”

You paused momentarily, recognising the sincerity in his voice as his gaze stayed on you. You knew he was serious about wanting to know more. It was as though the wall you placed between the two seemed to falter, a very minuscule crack forming on the wall.

“Jungkook!” A random college student hollered for his attention, “Come play beer pong with us!” You watched in amusement as you read their body language. They were clearly flirting with Jungkook and calling for his attention.

“Duty calls?”

Jungkook shook his head, “I’ll pass!”

“We can save this talk for another time, you can go— “

“Just to clear things up,” Jungkook turned back to you, “I’m not a fuckboy.”

You choked on air from his sudden defence statement, “I-I didn’t s-say you were— “

“Didn’t have to,” He said with a light smile on his face, “But I expected it too. Comes with the popularity I guess.” “So, you don’t…?” You trailed off and he shook his head, as if he was completely appalled by the sheer thought of being a fuckboy. “No, no. I don’t see the point in flings. Like Yoongi said, I’m here for rugby. Not to find dates.”

It felt as if another crack in the wall was formed after learning that fact. Like how Yoongi managed to break down the wall between you and him a few games ago.

Maybe not all jocks were bad.

“Anyway,” Jungkook pulled you back from your thoughts, “Educate me.”

You began sharing how was practice like, the different roles people were and how strict your coach was. You explained how you were always at the gym on the days you didn’t have training. You always got passionate when you talked about cheer and Jungkook experienced it first-hand. He watched how your face immediately lit up when he asked you to share about the sport. He was sure that even a person with zero interest with cheer would be completely drawn to hear you share about it with how enthusiastic you were.

“We currently have training three times a week since nationals are coming. We practice from late afternoon to almost midnight sometimes.” You paused, a sheepish grin creeping on your face as you realised you had been rambling on about your sport. “I-I’m sorry, I must’ve bored you to death.”

“No, no!” He immediately shook his head, hands out in front shaking as well in protest, “I wasn’t bored. I was really interested. I can tell how much you love cheer though.”

“Y-Yea I really do. Always good to find something to distract you especially during college.”

He nodded his head, “Can’t argue with that.” He raised his plastic cup in his hand, “Cheers to distractions.”

“Cheers,” You laughed, raising your cup towards his.

-

You could say you clicked well with Jungkook that night. In fact, you guys shared a lot about each other’s sport that you didn’t exchange numbers or any form of communication afterwards. It didn’t bug you so much since you figured it was a one-off conversation with him.

To be frank, you almost forgot that you talked with Jungkook that party. Jimin was the one who reminded you, asking about how he was and if you still hated jocks.

“He’s not bad, actually.”

“Of course, that’s why Yoongi actually likes him.” You raised an eyebrow suspiciously, leaning towards Jimin, “Speaking of Yoongi, how are things between you two?”

Your friend snorted, dismissing you with his hand, “What are you talking about? There’s nothing going on. We’re just friendly.”

“For now?”

Jimin shrugged, “We’ll see how it goes.” He gives you a wink before getting up, extending his hand out as an offer to pull you up. “Back on the mat.”

Training went on until 11pm, it was full of drills as soon your coach would be picking who will make mat for nationals. Everyone had to give it their all during practice as you were all constantly being scrutinised by your coach, your attitude, skills, and stamina. You had been training your stunts with Jimin after he managed to pull you back up from your sulking phase. Everything was important.

You separated from Jimin after practice as you made your way to the bus stop to head home. “Yn? Is that you?”

A very familiar honey-like voice.

Jungkook slowly made his way to the bus stop, “What are you doing here at campus so late?” You asked.

“I was studying. Just ended practice?”

“Yea.”

Jungkook glanced at his watch, “Wanna grab a midnight snack?”

You smiled, “Sure.”

“How does ice cream sound?”

“I’m down.”

There was a small ice cream store near campus and luckily, you managed to catch the last order. The both of you enjoyed your slow late night stroll back to the bus stop as you strikes up a conversation with him.

“I realised I was the only one talking about my sport that night. How about you share about rugby? I actually don’t know much about it.”

“You sure?” Jungkook asked, slightly shocked that you had brought up his sport. “Because I can get carried away when I talk about it—“

You laughed, “I’m sure Jungkook. Fire away.”

Jungkook started sharing the rules and positions of rugby - “I’m number 11, one of the wings” You looked at him, already confused with the terms. With a short chuckle, he explained, “I’m one of the backs. We do the running and scoring. Sometimes, we have to knock people down in our way.”

He continued sharing his training schedule as well - how his team similarly had gym sessions on non-training days just like cheer. The only difference was that the rugby team had a gym off campus.

“Sounds fancy.”

“It’s pretty fancy.” He nodded his head letting out an airy laugh.

“Rubgy doesn’t sound too bad now that I know how it works.”

“You could watch one of our matches or practices when you guys aren’t cheering for us.”

“Why not.”

—

“Guess who I see?” Jimin whispered, nudging you out of your focus. You looked up, placing your dumbbells down, “Where are you looking at?”

“6 o’clock.” He muttered as he sneakily stole your dumbbells to do his set while you turned around to spot Jungkook who had just entered the gym.

You were surprised to see Jungkook and his teammates at the gym. Yoongi was the first one who spotted you. He sent a small smile, raising his hand for a short wave in your direction.

“Hey thief,” You nudged Jimin back, “Yoongi is here too.”

“I know, that’s why I stole your dumbbells.” You chuckled, smacking his toned arms upon learning his tactic.

You watched Yoongi talk to Jungkook, seemingly informing him that you were there as Jungkook turned his body around, his eyes meeting yours. You smiled, sending a hello with your hand to which he returned.

Seeing that you were unoccupied, since Jimin stole your dumbbells, Jungkook made his way to you. “What happened to your almighty external gym?”

He shrugged with a bright smile, “After hearing you hype up the campus gym so much the other night, I thought, why not give it a shot?”

You shook your head with a chuckle, clearly not believing his words. “If that’s the case, enjoy the campus gym!” You reached out to pat his broad shoulders before turning back to resume your gym session.

“Are you done with your set yet?” You questioned Jimin who stood right back up with a grin, “Was he watching me?”

Taking the dumbbells from his hands, you shrugged, “Doubt it.”

“Yea right.” Jimin scoffed, stepping aside to give you more space.

Your gym session lasted an hour as usual, ensuring that you don’t over-work your body as well since your coach was going to be choosing the final 20 soon.

Whenever you weren’t studying or training, you were stressing over whether you’ll make mat. And it was evident on your face. You heard a sigh coming from Jimin, “Don’t stress over it too much. You’ve been working extra hard this season, I’m confident you’ll make it.”

You responded with a weak smile, “Thanks Jimin, I really hope so.”

“Me too, but what you need is to stop thinking about it right now. Go get a distraction for tonight. Tomorrow’s training is going to be torturous.”

“When isn’t it?” You joked, “Touché.”

You packed your gym bag with Jimin, ready to leave and wind down for the day. Jimin was right, you needed a distraction - maybe a Netflix movie, or do some yoga to de-stress, or do a sheet mask —

“Jimin, yn!” You heard Yoongi holler out your names as you walked away from the campus gym.

“Yoongi, what’s up?”

Yoongi walked up to the both of you, accompanied by Jungkook.

“We just ended our session, was thinking if you wanted to grab dinner together?”

“Sure! Yn here,” Jimin laces his arm around yours as he pulled you closer to him, “needs a distraction ASAP.”

“A distraction?” Jungkook asked, looking at you for a response.

“From worrying about making mat.”

Yoongi chuckled, “Jungkook doesn’t know cheer lingo— “

“Oh no,” He shook his head, “I know what that means.”

“You do?!” Yoongi and Jimin asked incredulously.

“I gave him a lecture about cheer during that after party.” You answered and Jimin laughed, “Right! I forgot about your granny lecture.”

You scoffed defensively, “I-I mean he could’ve stopped be any time he was bored— “

“Because I wasn’t. It’s refreshing seeing people be so passionate about something, especially during college.” You returned the smile, the more you interacted with Jungkook, the more you could see why Yoongi kept Jungkook in his small circle of friends.

If there was anything the four of you had in common, it was your passion for your sport.

“I know a great place we can eat at.” Yoongi suggested. The four of you headed over to Yoongi’s go-to restaurants after his workout sessions. As the food started to come to your table, Yoongi and Jimin were caught up with some music competition show that you did not keep up with.

“So how has cheer been?” Jungkook’s voice pulled your attention towards him. “Fun but tiring as usual. Our coach is selecting who will make it to the final 20 for the nationals.” You sighed, anxiousness clearly evident in your tone and on your face.

“Hey, from an athlete to another, I know you’ve trained very hard, and I’ll be rooting for you to make it to the final 20.”

You weren’t sure why, but it felt comforting to hear those words from Jungkook. It felt different than when Jimin would cheer you up. You quickly decided that it was because you were praised by one of the star players of the rugby team. It felt great being acknowledged by someone out of the cheer world.

So, you decided to go with that explanation.

“Thanks, Jungkook, I hope I do. But you technically don’t know whether I’ve trained hard since you’ve never seen me practice.”

“That is true.” He simply grinned at you, “But I just know.”

“You have so much faith in me, Jungkook.” You teased.

He placed his forearms on the table, leaning on them to bring himself slightly close to you, “I have lots of faith in you.”

—

You weren’t stupid and you weren’t blind either. You and Jimin have been spotting Jungkook and Yoongi loitering around the indoor gym lately.

“Did you see them?” Jimin tossed you your newly refilled bottle, “I haven’t left the gym. They’re here again? It’s like 10pm.”

Jimin shrugged his shoulders, “Yoongi was napping on the table though. Looks like Jungkook was the only one actually studying.”

Jungkook never mentioned to you that he stayed back in campus to revise. Though, you barely talked to him since you never exchanged numbers. Every time you had a conversation with him, you both would get too swept up in the conversation that it never occurred to either of you that it was the 21st century and you could talk with your phones.

Training ended an hour later, and you did not expect them to still be outside ‘studying’.

“You guys are still studying?” Jimin called out as you both approached them, Jungkook’s head shot up almost instantly, his eyes finding yours, a bright smile on his face despite his tired eyes from revision. “What a coincidence seeing you here.”

You raised your eyebrows questioningly, “Here,” You looked around with your hands gesturing to the area, “Right outside the indoor gym, with no fan or AC.”

“Yes, here.” He insisted.

Yoongi sighed, finally waking up from his nap. “What’s with the commotion— Oh, you guys are finally done with practice.” He got up and grabbed his bags, “Jimin, need a lift?”

“Yes please!” Jimin nodded his head, giving you a quick goodbye hug before heading off with Yoongi, leaving you alone with Jungkook.

“Guess I can’t judge your preference for a study location.” You made your way to him as he packed up his belongings. “I kinda feel bad for you that Yoongi ditched you.”

Jungkook shook his head with a smile, “He was meant to ditch me anyway. I was waiting to see you.”

You felt yourself momentarily pause; an inhale stuck halfway as you processed his words. He waited to see me. You thought, your brain trying to find an explanation for that.

“I realised we haven’t exchanged numbers even after all this time.” He continued when he didn’t get a response.

“O-Oh right, here,” You reached for your phone in your bag, handing it to Jungkook. “I’ll drop you message.”

Jungkook didn’t take your phone immediately, his eyes locked on your face, as if he was shocked that you didn’t mind exchanging numbers, his hand reached for your phone, gently brushing against your fingers, sending a fluttery feeling in your way.

Once he added his contact, he returned your phone, “It’s 11pm, do you have a ride home?”

“I usually just take the bus.”

“I have a car. Let me take you home.”

“Oh no,” You shook your head, “You don’t have to really, I’m used to taking the bus— “

“But I’m already here anyway, come on, do you not trust my driving skills?” He joked and you let out an airy laugh, “Alright fine. I owe you one.”

“Nah, you already gave me your number.” He winked at you, throwing his bag over his shoulder, leading the way to the carpark with you slightly stunned from his flirtatious remarks.

The care ride with Jungkook was comfortable, slightly tense on your end at the start. Jungkook gave you the cable to play whatever music you wanted which made you slightly more comfortable. “I don’t know if we have the same music taste— “

“It’s alright, just play whatever you want.”

“O-Okay…”

Surprisingly, you and Jungkook didn’t have that much of a difference in differing taste, there were some songs that he didn’t know but found himself liking it. He himself was shocked to learn that you had similar taste in music.

Jungkook didn’t know why he felt so nervous having you in his car and driving you home. It was not like you were getting married. But why did he feel so nervous? Jungkook rarely flirted or showed interest in someone. His love was rugby - his sport - his life. He poured his heart and soul into the sport. But with you, he found that he couldn’t help flirting with you. It felt natural - It felt right.

Ironically, or maybe not, as he drove you home that night, Jungkook knew deep down, he was in it for the long ride.

—

Jimin held your hands tightly as you kept your eyelids shut. You could feel that your heart was about to jump out of your chest as you sat on the mat with Jimin, waiting for your coach to call out all the 20 names. It almost felt like you could feel your heartbeat in your head, the suspense and dragging was killing you.

Your hands clammy in Jimin’s but you did not have a single care as all you wanted in that moment was to make it to nationals.

“Jimin.”

You gasped, pulling Jimin in for a tight hug as he yelled in excitement. You were proud of your best friend; you knew that he would make mat and he deserved it.

Names were called and there were only 5 names left to be called, you grip on Jimin’s hands slackened as you started to accept that you won’t make it—

“Yn.”

You ears rang and you thought you were about to go deaf. Jimin’s loud but happy scream stunned you as you were pulled in for a suffocating hug this time.

The last 4 names were called and the final 20 had been made (subject to change).

Tears welled up in your eyes as memories of your gruelling training flashed through your mind. All the tiring practices and extra trainings with Jimin, the hardships and discipline all paid off.

Training went swimmingly, your coach running through sections of the choreography until it was time to wrap up. “Didn’t have the time to properly congratulate you.” Jimin said with a bright proud grin on his face as you left the gym.

“Thanks, Jimin! Hopefully we can stay on the 20 and compete together.”

“I’m confident we will.”

His eyes shifted away from you, and you followed his gaze to see Jungkook outside, once again, studying, alone this time. “Where’s Yoongi?” You asked as you both approached him.

“He gave up studying with me. Probably went home to crash after our practice today.”

Jimin eyed Jungkook’s facial expression suspiciously, eyes darting between you and Jungkook before he spoke, “I’m going book a ride and head home first yea? Text me when you’re home.” Jimin gives your shoulder a good squeeze before saying bye to you and Jungkook.

“What’s with the big smile on your face?” Jungkook questioned as he started packing his belongings. Your smile was contagious and Jungkook couldn’t help but smile as well as soon as he saw your bright expression.

“I got into the top 20!”

You squared like a little girl, once again excited from the thought of making it this season.

Jungkook abruptly stopped gathering his stuff, stepping away from the table, “Really? Congrats, yn!” He pulled you in for a hug which made your muscles stiffen but your arms automatically wrapped around him.

“I’m so proud of you!”

“Thanks, Jungkook.” You chuckled as you pulled away from the embrace. Your mind was clouded, filled with a mixture of thoughts of making it to the Top 20 and how warm that hug felt. How it felt so ‘right’.

Over the past few weeks, it had become a routine, to have Jungkook studying outside the indoor gym and drive you home after practice. You always told him he didn’t need to send you home, but he never listened.

“Our qualifying match is next Friday, if we win, there’ll be an after party, are you free to come?”

“For the after party?”

“Yea, I mean, technically your whole cheer team usually come but since your nationals are coming, I’m assuming you would be too busy to come.”

“No no, I’ll come.”

“You will?” Jungkook’s face lit up and a bubbling feeling grew in your chest as you tried to ignore it. “Yea I will.”

—

Since Jungkook had his qualifying match around the corner, you stopped seeing him late at night outside the gym. You wouldn’t admit it out loud, but you missed seeing him after your practice.

Nonetheless, you would still spend the night texting him right before bed. It felt so easy to converse with him and you always looked forward to hear stories about his rugby practice and it felt nice to share about your cheer practice to him.

Friday quickly arrived and you decided to watch his match since the game was on your campus grounds. You took a seat somewhere in the middle of the bleachers and your eyes scanned the field to find Jungkook.

You recalled him explaining the positions of the backs and you found his number - 11. A smile crept unto your face as your eyes fixated on Jungkook. Your facial expression always scrunched up into a wince whenever you see them tackle each other during the game. You would let out a hiss as if you were the one sliding against the grass as Jungkook scored a point.

Nonetheless, it was fascinating to actually watch the game. Not surprisingly, after you understood the rules of the game, it was exciting to root for your college’s team. Maybe it was because you were rooting for a particular player, but you wouldn’t admit that to yourself just yet.

During half-time, your college’s team made their way back to the benches which was in front of where you sat. You didn’t bother shouting for his attention since you knew it was important to stay in the zone.

You sat at your spot, watching him, and you almost felt like a stalker. He was drenched in sweat, definitely going to have bruises or scratches from the game, you could see his chest move up and down as he took deep breaths to relax.

You felt your breath get caught in your throat when he had looked up and found your eyes amongst the crowd. Jungkook had been casually looking around the crowd to see if you really did come to watch his game.

He had texted you the night before about how he hoped you could come see his game now that you know how it actually worked. You told him no promises but had made sure you were free the afternoon to attend his game. Of course, you didn’t tell him that.

In an instant, his serious gaze broke into an inviting smile as he mouthed the words “hey” at your direction. You smiled back, returning the greeting while you hoped no one caught that moment between the two of you.

His coach called for their attention to remind them of their game plan but Jungkook was having a battle in his mind. The image of you smiling at the bleachers stayed as he tried to listen to his coach’s words. He knew the game plan, he was always on top the game. But seeing you watching him from the bleachers made him feel giddy but at least he also motivated him to do extra well. He wanted to look good in front of you.

And that’s exactly what he did.

He sent you text to wait for him to freshen up and you sat at your spot, enjoying the breeze as you waited for him to come back from his shower.

“You actually came.”

You looked up from your phone to see a wet-haired Jungkook approaching you with a lopsided grin. “Wanted to give support especially after all the times you sent me home after practice.”

Your phone vibrated as Jimin spammed you with messages when you stopped replying. Jimin had been asking about your whereabouts and you told him you were at the rugby game. He was upset since he would have tagged along to watch Yoongi if he knew you were going.

“Where’s Yoongi?”

Jungkook gestured with his thumb behind him, “Still showering. Is Jimin here?”

You chuckled, shaking your head, “He didn’t know I was coming to watch. I think he’ll attack me later at the party.”

“Sounds like a fun match to see.” He joked and you scoffed, “I’ll beat Jimin easily.”

“I’m sure, I’ll always be rooting for you.”

It sounded like another tease but his words caused nervous knots in your stomach. You deliberately ignored the feeling as you walked down the bleachers to his side, “Shall we get Yoongi and Jimin?”

“Yep, text me his address. We’ll pick him up once Yoongi is ready to go.”

Get ready, Jungkook’s picking you up - yn

I already look good, always ready - Jimin

Yoongi didn’t take long to come out of the showers and the three of you made your way in Jungkook’s car to pick Jimin up, all ready for the after party.

“I haven’t had dinner so I am ready for all the food.” Jimin groaned, clutching his stomach as he hopped off the car.

The four of you made your way up the driveway to see that the after party had started even earlier. “Looks like everyone couldn’t wait to party.” Yoongi commented as you entered through the main door, the loud typical party music blasting through the house.

It wasn’t a very packed party, lesser than the usual after parties but still plenty of people nonetheless.

There were already different groups engaging in different activities - gossiping, flirting, beer pong, truth or dare, Mario Kart and many more.

“Yn, you hungry? I heard Woohyun baked pasta for tonight.” Yoongi gestured to the kitchen. Before you could reply, Jungkook added on, “Someone’s barbecuing in the backyard though.”

“Barbecue?” You repeated, “Sounds delicious.” You turned your head back to Yoongi, “I’ll follow you guys after!”

Yoongi and Jimin made their way to the kitchen while you and Jungkook headed over to start your night with barbecue.

At the backyard, there was a swimming pool with a small lawn where the barbecue was. The two of you made your way to the table with the cooked food, helping yourself to dinner.

“This tastes amazing.” You moaned in delight after the first bite.

Jungkook laughed, “Come on,” He took an empty plate and grabbed a handful of barbecue sticks and kebabs, leading the way to the other side of the pool with one empty lounge chair.

You shared the plastic lounge chair, sitting beside Jungkook as you shared the plate. “So, how was my game?”

“To be honest,” You cleared your throat, “More interesting now that I know the game.”

He grinned like a happy high school boy, “That’s great to hear! Maybe you can watch more of my games or practices when you have the time.”

“We’ll see about that.” You teased, grabbing another stick to feed yourself.

“So, how’s your prep for nationals?”

“Tiring, one of our flyers got a concussion after a bad fall last night so she’s temporarily replaced. Our pyramid’s a mess.”

Jungkook lightly nudged your shoulders, “I’m sure it’ll turn out well. You guys are the defending champions.”

“I hope we can defend it this season.”

“Gotta think positively.” He winked at you and you returned a small smile. Silence fell upon you two as you noticed the lack of personal space between the both of you. It felt comfortable yet nerve-racking to be so close to him.

Was he uncomfortable with the closeness? Should you move away?

Just as you were about to scoot away, he spoke. “I’m really glad you came to my match tonight. It felt different.” He admitted rather shyly as his gaze dropped to the half empty plate.

“Different?”

Jungkook nodded his head, “Felt nice knowing there’s someone out there rooting for me.”

“There were lots of people rooting out for you.”

“Yea but, someone out there that I really want to impress.”

You didn’t have a reply, you weren’t sure how to reply. You decided to opt for a small encouraging pat on his shoulder before retracting your hand.

It didn’t seem much from an outsider’s perspective, but his words held a lot of weight. For the both of you. Almost as if you were about to cross a line - some line that you weren’t sure if you’re both ready to cross.

“Well,” He cleared his throat, standing up, “Shall we go find the two?”

“S-Sure.”

The two of you entered through the back door and was immediately blocked by his fellow team player, handing both of you a bottle of soju. “Gotta help us finish these, Jeon. Someone,” his eyes darted to another team player, “Accidentally ordered twice our usual order.”

“Damn.” Jungkook laughed in disbelief, “I’ll pull my weight then.”

“Great! You know what’s a perfect game for that? Spin the Bottle! You guys wanna play?”

Jungkook’s gaze darted to yours as you hesitated to reply.

“Come on Jeon, you always reject our games. Just this once, yea?”

He sighed, “A-Alright sure. Yn?”

You shook your head, “I’ll pass. Go have fun.” You patted his back as you excused yourself to the kitchen. There was a sour feeling knowing that Jungkook agreed to play Spin the Bottle, you avoided looking at the circle at the living area as you went to find Yoongi and Jimin guarding the snacks.

“Where’s Jungkook?”

“Spin the Bottle.” You plopped yourself down beside Jimin, chugging the soju bottle in your hand.

“Someone sounds affected.” Jimin teased, handing you a plate of pasta.

“No one’s affected.” You defended yourself as you grabbed a fork to eat the pasta, ignoring the feeling in your chest.

You had almost completely forgotten about Spin the Bottle as the three of you went on to talk about other things. You were laughing and enjoying your night with the two until you heard the familiar voice that made your muscles freeze.

“Any pasta left for me?”

You turned to look at Jungkook, “Enjoyed the game?”

“Pretty interesting,” He started and you immediately wanted to shut his voice out, “But would’ve been fun if you were in the game.” He winked at you before he took a plate for himself, acting as if he hadn’t said those words. You saw the empty soju bottle that he placed on the counter top and figured it was the alcohol talking so you decided to brush it off. It was probably the alcohol making him say such a brave statement in front of your friends.

Would something have happened if you agreed to play the game?

—

You realised that maybe he did decide to be more brave.

He started sitting in the gymnasium to watch your practices. Jimin would always inform you when he spotted Jungkook, insisting that he was here to watch you. Though you constantly denied, because you knew he knew a few of you guys from all the parties.

Somehow, you always felt his eyes were locked on you - his attention never leaving you no matter how chaotic the mat got. Every fall, every success, every break. You just knew he was looking at you.

The first practice you realised he was there, you approached him after practice ended.

“Hey Jungkook!”

“Why are you here?”

“Am I that unwanted? Looks like only Jimin is glad to see me here.”

“N-No,” You were caught off-guard, “I was just wondering—“

“I know, I’m kidding.” Jungkook chuckled, getting up from the bench, hopping down to stand right in front of you. “You came to my game, and I want to come see your practices. I haven’t actually seen how serious cheer can be.”

You hummed, “Alright then.” You tossed your damp towel over your shoulder. Jungkook reached out, “Let me take your bag. I saw how tiring practice was.”

“Jungkook it’s fine—“

“And you fell from that pyramid a couple of times. You better ice that bruise.” He pointed to the bruise on your shin. You had gotten the bruise when you knocked it against one of your teammate’s foot when you had fallen off the pyramid.

He had successfully snatched your duffel bag when you were distracted by the bruise on your shin. “Jungkook—“

“Come on, let the guy be a gentleman.” Jimin nudged your sides and you shot a light glare his way. “I already booked a ride and it’s here so I’ll head home first. Text me when you’re home, yea?” Jimin patted your shoulder before jogging off.

During the ride home, Jungkook shared how in awe he was during your practice. “I felt that same way watching your game too.” You admitted.

“I’m definitely watching nationals with Yoongi.”

“You don’t have to—“

“But I want to! I’m coming.”

Over the weeks, you learned even more about Jungkook.

Firstly, Jungkook was a really thoughtful individual.

He also loved going the extra mile. You knew his rugby training schedule since he shared it before. So you knew he was watching your late night sessions after his tiring ones on some days, yet still sat through all the way.

He didn’t attend all practices, but he didn’t have to. You always appreciated the times he came to watch and you made it a point to watch his trainings as well when you had nothing on.

Secondly, Jungkook was one of the most hardworking and disciplined individuals that you have met.

Every footwork drill, punishment or endurance runs, he took it seriously. He always gave it his 110%. Even when you knew he was near his limit, he never slacked.

Thirdly, Jungkook was cute when he was in the zone.

His eyebrows always scrunched together, sometimes he would bite his lip for extra concentration. He would whisper to himself after his attempts or runs, possibly correcting himself or encouraging himself.

You knew he was his harshest critic. You could see it in his training etiquette.

From an athlete to another, Jungkook was a very respectable athlete - in both fitness and character.

Eventually, this became routine between the both of you. You would watch each other’s practices whenever you had the time. Jimin and Yoongi had gotten used to the scene as well.

Both would tease the both of you separately, “Look who’s here.”

“Shut up.” You both would say to them, trying to fight the smile that wanted to break through.

“You know, people will start thinking that we’re dating.”

“That wouldn’t be a bad thing, now would it?” Jungkook tilted his head, a cheeky grin on his face as he tossed you a cold unopened bottle of water. His reply sent your heart fluttering. He knew his way with words.

“It’ll kill your popularity with the public. Everyone will lose hope and stop pining after you.” You said dramatically after taking a big gulp of the refreshing water.

“Still don’t see how that’s a bad thing.”

“You know, you’re a real flirt Jeon Jungkook.”

He grinned cheekily, “Only when I want to.”

He definitely knew his way with words, and possibly, his way to your heart.

—

Jungkook started asking you out for lunch and dinner over the weeks, including the weekends. It was refreshing seeing you two not dripping in sweat from training. And he cleaned up well.

Although the rugby finals and cheer nationals were just around the corner, you both tried to find spare time to hang out. It felt like a stress-reliever. You both needed it. Jungkook knew he needed and wanted it. He always wanted to see you.

You were both at an open field, lying next to each other, bodies facing up as you enjoyed the night sky. Silence engulfed the both of you as you relished the tranquility of the night.

With hectic schedules, you appreciated times like this when you didn’t have to think about something so serious like competitions and expectations.

You were grateful that you made it to the Final 20 but it was still stressful knowing that there are high expectations for your team to defend your title.

It was the same for Jungkook.

“This feels great, doesn’t it?” He was the first to break the silence.

You turned just your head to admire his side profile as his eyes remained glue to the starry night.

“It does.”

Jungkook paused before continuing the conversation, “You know, I didn’t actually play Spin the Bottle that night. I just drank every time it was me, just wanted to please Woohyun.”

Confused, you weren’t sure why Jungkook had brought that up out of the blue. “Why are you—”

“I just wanted you to know. Felt like you had to know.” He shrugged his shoulders, pressing his lips into a tight line. “Didn’t want to send mix signals.”

“Mix signals?” You turned around, lying on top of your stomach as you got up on your forearms. You had a hunch of where this conversation was heading, but you didn’t like to be one making assumptions. Jungkook turned his head to face you, “I’m into you. I always like being with you and I hope you feel the same way.”

Nothing came out of your mouth. You were stunned by his sudden confession. Your eyes remained on his face as he kept a soft smile, with not a single ounce of regret on his face.

“I… I like being with you too.” You replied shyly, shuffling back down to lie down on your back next to him, not daring to make eye contact.

Next to you, Jungkook let out a short chuckle. He decided not to push it for that night. But it was enough to know that things were going right between the two of you.

“I never shared this with anyone but, sometimes, I do feel like quitting rugby.”

You were taken aback by his sudden change in topic but didn't to roll with it

“Why?”

He took a while to respond, formulating his thoughts into sentences. “The expectations get too much sometimes, especially as one of the labelled star players.” He scoffed, as if he was laughing at the term, or himself.

“I’m sure as the Final 20 in cheer you feel that expectation as well.”

You didn’t give a verbal reply, only nodding your head as you turned your head back to face up to the sky.

Jungkook didn’t need a verbal reply, he knew you felt the same.

“It’s suffocating. But right now, I feel like I can take a deep long breath, and not worry about making a mistake or slowing down.”

Just as he said that, he took a deep inhale, letting out his breath through is mouth.

“That felt good to let out. I never wanted to share this with others because I’m afraid they’ll think that I’m taking my position and skills for granted.”

“Yea I get what you’re saying.” You assured him and he smiled, turning his head to face you. You heard the shuffling sounds and you decided to face him as well, momentarily freezing when your eyes finally met his.

“But it feels like I can talk to you about anything. It feels nice to talk to you, yn.”

You were once again lost for words, feeling your cheeks grow hot as your eyes remained locked in his gaze.

“I feel safe with you.”

—

It was the final championship match for rugby. Your cheer team was once again there, to root for your college - you and Jimin were specifically rooting for Yoongi and Jungkook.

The whole venue was excruciatingly loud and tense. Both colleges with great support backing them. The match was very close and you could tell how they seemed more tired than other games. The nerves and the physical demand was getting to them.

Your coach yelled, calling their hands to get your attention. “Come on guys, time to boost their morale”

With your pom poms in your hands, your cheer team gathered, facing your side of the bleachers, enthusiastically cheering the campus cheers and getting the crowd to join in.

It was followed by simply stunts and routines to get the atmosphere more lively and ready for the game to resume.

As the players passed by your team, you all wished them good luck.

“Good luck, Yoongi!”

“Good luck, Jungkook!” You exclaimed encouragingly, shaking both your pom poms his way as he turned around to see you. He winked at you, mouthing the words ‘thank you’ before they made their way to the field.

“You’re drooling.”

Jimin’s voice taunted you from the side, You elbowed his side, “You’re doing the same.”

“Touche.”

As the timer reaches the end, your side erupted in the loudest of cheers, you happily screaming along with the crowd. This win felt different from all the different times your cheer team supported them. Your college managed to defend their title, winning the championship for the season.

When the players returned to the benches and huddled for a group photo together, Jimin whispered, “Why don’t you go up and congratulate him?”

“Hush, Jimin, not in front of everyone.”

“Come on, don’t be shy. I know you like him.”

“We’re just close friends.”

Jimin scoffed, his index finger pointing to you and himself, “You and I are close friends. You and Jungkook however, are idiots who don’t want to admit that you guys like each other.”

“Shut it!” You sighed, lightly hitting him with your pom poms. When you turned around, Jungkook had already made his way to you. “You were cheering really hard back there.”

“Just for you.”

Just for me?” He raised his eyebrows, a smug look on his face as he stepped closer, “Yoongi’s gonna be devastated knowing that—“

“Actually my cheers were for Yoongi but I didn’t want you to feel upset or forgotten.”

Jungkook frowned and you really wished you had the guts to just kiss him right there, your eyes flickering to his pink soft lips.

“I’m kidding, don’t cry, not when you just became a champion.”

Jungkook laughed heartily before leaning towards your ear, “I’m already a champion having you on my side to cheer me on.”

—

Attention immediately shifted to your team for the upcoming nationals which was just a week after Jungkook’s finals.

You guys had constant past few runs leading up to the final day and everything felt like it would go well. The biggest obstacle was controlling your mental state during the day itself.

The night before, Jungkook had sent you a lengthy good luck message as he reminded you that he would be there.

You slept peacefully that night and woke up to read his message in the morning once again. You had your own cheerleader this time.

Everything seemed to go by quickly, the warm ups and runs backstage while waiting for your team’s turn. You had not met Jungkook or Yoongi since you were preparing backstage with your team, focused on getting into the right mental state.

Your heart almost jumped out of your chest when it was finally your team’s turn to perform.

The sun was scorching hot and there were many spectators. You stood in formation with your teammates as you waited for the song to play.

It felt way different than last season. Even though you were there last season to support the performing team, it truly felt different to be the one about to perform on the mat. With all eyes on you, carefully watching for any mistakes or mishaps. The heat already making you sweat when you stepped onto the stage.

But once the music played, that was all you could focus on.

Bright smiles plastered on all your faces as you went through the routine. A silent celebration in your head every time your team successfully pulled off a stunt.

Quick gazes made on the mat as you constantly changed formation. Encouraging looks and the sounds of the encouragement on the mat from your teammates to get you through the routine.

And just like that - it was your ending pose. Heavy pants surrounding you as your gaze locked on the audience. You all broke character afterwards, squealing and hugging each other for not screwing up the pyramid and the routine.

It felt good.

In fact, it felt amazing.

Jimin yelled your name, pulling you in for a tight hug, “We did it!”

“I know!”

Once all the teams had finished, the top 2 teams were announced and your college name was called out.

In front of the entire crowd, you hold intertwined your hands, head hung low and eyes shut right as you awaited for the results. The cheerleader holding the 2nd prize trophy walked back and forth between the two college teams as the announcer evilly drags on the result.

Your heartbeat was pounding loudly and you could feel it in your head, all your hands clasped together were clammy from nervous sweat.

Jungkook’s hopefully eyes stayed locked on your figure as he waited for announcements from the crowd.

The other college was called and your entre team’s knees went weak, buckling as some immediately fell to the ground.

Deafening screams erupted as you were pulled into a big group hug, you guys had just defended your title.

Your team was the reigning national champion once again.

Tears were falling as everyone congratuler each other. Your coach and assistant coach ran up to mat to join the group hug as your team proudly accepted the winning trophy.

You had made your way off the stag to reunite with the other cheer members as the public slowly started to approach you for a team photo.

With tears all over your faces, you posed for the group photos as thanked all your teammates with a big hug.

“Yn!”

You heard his voice amongst the chaos.

You felt yourself immediately searching for the familiar pair of eyes in the crowd. The moment your eyes landed on him, you rushed up towards him, his arms wide open ready to accept you.

Jungkook pulled you in for tight embrace, repeatedly saying “congrats, you did it, I know you guys would win”. Tears flowed down your face once again still not believing what had just happened.

It felt so surreal and yet being in Jungkook’s embrace felt even more surreal. It was as if you were in a dream.

“Congrats yn!” You heard Yoongi’s voice from behind Jungkook.

You pulled away to see not only Yoongi but the entire rugby team with him. They were cheering proudly, chanting your college’s name with pride. Your eyes immediately farted back to Jungkook who had kept his arms around you.

“Did you…?”

“Yes, I convinced everyone to come. They’d be missing on such a stellar performance.”

As if your grin couldn’t get any bigger, your broke into a euphoric laugh, “You’re amazing.”

“You’re calling me amazing? After what your team had just displayed back there? You must be blind—“

Maybe it was the adrenaline rush, the high influx of dopamine from winning the competition and from being in his embrace. It didn’t matter, when your lips met his, you knew that was all that mattered at that moment.

You felt Jungkook lean into the kiss, his arms pulling you closer to his body. Both of you could hear your cheer team behind you and Jungkook’s rugby team behind him, both cheering your names.

You guys laughed into the kiss when you heard Yoongi and Jimin loudly expressed their thoughts. “It’s about time.”

“I swear I thought they’ll never get to this stage.”

—

His bright and welcoming smile never failed to make your day, no matter how tired you were. You never thought that you’d love going for rugby practices and matches. It was the complete opposite scenario from the beginning of the year.

But now, it never got boring to watch your boyfriend get into his sport. You would always tell him that he looked attractive when he was serious. You enjoyed doing that because it always made him fluster and fumble over his words.

“I-I don’t… Nah… I don’t look cute when I’m serious.” He would adjust the neckline of his shirt, trying to maintain a nonchalant expression on his face.

“You’re finally done.” You made your way down the bleachers, “I’ve been thinking about dessert the past 30 minutes.”

Jungkook nodded his head, extending his arms out to pull you into a sweaty hug. He placed a light kiss on your forehead, pulling back slightly to get a better view of your face.

“Ice cream?”

Deja Vu.

You remembered the first night you hung out with Jungkook after meeting him at the after party. When you were at the bus stop ready to go home.

WIth a grin, you leaned in to kiss his soft lips lightly, “I’m down.”

[welllpthisishappening]

Welllp These Are Books: the April 2021 Edition

I did not read Romeo and Juliet this month. I read a bunch of other books. Like, a bunch. More than one series. Because Big Bang burnout is real and grown adults missing their deadlines is a real good way to stress me out. So, I read a bunch. Good books, very bad books, books that caused limbs to flail. For positive and not-so-positive reasons. Naturally, all those reasons must be shared. Under the cut with occasionally long and rant-prone reviews, as well as spoilers. Beware of spoilers under the cut. Please keep telling me what to read, internet. My library wish list is almost comically long now.

GIVE ME ALL THE WORLD BUILDING AND SNARK AND FIGHTING! WITH MAGIC! AND SWORDS! IT’S MY FAVORITE THING IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD!

Shades of Magic Series by V.E. Schwab

Kell is one of the last Antari—magicians with a rare, coveted ability to travel between parallel Londons; Red, Grey, White, and, once upon a time, Black. After an exchange goes awry, Kell escapes to Grey London and runs into Delilah Bard, a cut-purse with lofty aspirations. Now perilous magic is afoot, and treachery lurks at every turn. To save all of the worlds, they'll first need to stay alive.

— Picture it, approximately twelve forty-seven am. My husband is asleep. I am reading. The second book in this series ends. And I say, right out loud, at what might now be twelve forty-eight am, HOLY SHIT IT JUST ENDED. Justin thought we were under attack. No man has ever snapped awake quicker. He was not pleased. At least not in the same way that I was about these books. Which I goddamn LOVED. Loved. The world building. The magic. The banter. Rhy and Kell’s relationship. Once more. RHY AND KELL’S RELATIONSHIP. Which I might have cared about more than the romance??? Maybe??? I cannot get over how good this world building was. I know people have quips with it, and that’s fair. I saw the “twist” coming in the first book, and I think trying to preserve that left some plot holes that are understandably frustrating. Because Lilah definitely needed depth perception to fight as well as she did. Also did Schwab really refer to her as a cross dresser in her author’s note? Yikes. She wore a dude’s jacket, like—c’mon V.E. Other than that though. I loved it. Also shout out to @peglegsjones for suggesting this one in my 2020 post and call out to me for taking so long to read it.

Six of Crows by Leigh Bardugo

Ketterdam: a bustling hub of international trade where anything can be had for the right price—and no one knows that better than criminal prodigy Kaz Brekker. Kaz is offered a chance at a deadly heist that could make him rich beyond his wildest dreams. But he can't pull it off alone. . . . A convict with a thirst for revenge. A sharpshooter who can't walk away from a wager. A runaway with a privileged past. A spy known as the Wraith. A Heartrender using her magic to survive the slums.  A thief with a gift for unlikely escapes.   Six dangerous outcasts. One impossible heist. Kaz's crew is the only thing that might stand between the world and destruction—if they don't kill each other first.

— I’ve talked about how little I cared about anything that happened in Shadow and Bone before, but I kept seeing gifs of the Crows in the Netflix show and my brain was like: huh, I could like them. So, after some help from the very helpful internet, I’m happy to report I do in fact like them. At one point, I slunk into the couch. Like that’s how overcome with emotion I was. Kaz ripped a dude’s eye out! For Inej! Matthias loved Nina’s laugh! I would like to hug Jesper. Seriously, this hit all my high points and world building and banter and I lol’ed at “scheming face.” I would like my hold to come through faster on the sequel.

THEY DID NOT CALL INTERMISSION HALFTIME AND MY COLLEGE EXPERIENCE WAS WAY DIFFERENT THAN THESE KIDS

The Off Campus Series by Elle Kennedy

Hannah Wells has finally found someone who turns her on. But while she might be confident in every other area of her life, she’s carting around a full set of baggage when it comes to sex and seduction. If she wants to get her crush’s attention, she’ll have to step out of her comfort zone and make him take notice…even if it means tutoring the annoying, childish, cocky captain of the hockey team in exchange for a pretend date. All Garrett Graham has ever wanted is to play professional hockey after graduation, but his plummeting GPA is threatening everything he’s worked so hard for. If helping a sarcastic brunette make another guy jealous will help him secure his position on the team, he’s all for it. But when one unexpected kiss leads to the wildest sex of both their lives, it doesn’t take long for Garrett to realize that pretend isn’t going to cut it. Now he just has to convince Hannah that the man she wants looks a lot like him.

— The first book in this series was free on Amazon. So, I read it. And really liked it??? It was so chock full of cliches and badly written tropes and Garrett probably should have accepted that Hannah didn’t want to go out at the start, but like—he was cute? And as we all know I am TRASH™ for stories set in the same verse, so, like, I just kept reading these trashy college hockey books. Trashy is a compliment here. God, these kids had so much sex. So much. An incredible amount, really. I once had a guy tell me he was physically attracted to me, but not emotionally attracted to me in college. Like, that was my college experience. The first and second books were the best, I think. I didn’t really like Dean that much.

MAYBE IT WAS BECAUSE HE WAS A RABBI???

The Intimacy Experiement by Rosie Danan

Naomi Grant has built her life around going against the grain. After the sex-positive start-up she cofounded becomes an international sensation, she wants to extend her educational platform to live lecturing. Unfortunately, despite her long list of qualifications, higher ed won't hire her. Ethan Cohen has recently received two honors: LA Mag nominated him as one of the city's hottest bachelors and he became rabbi of his own synagogue. Low on both funds and congregants, the executive board of Ethan's new shul hired him with the hopes that his nontraditional background will attract more millennials to the faith. They've given him three months to turn things around or else they'll close the doors of his synagogue for good. Naomi and Ethan join forces to host a buzzy seminar series on Modern Intimacy, the perfect solution to their problems--until they discover a new one--their growing attraction to each other. They've built the syllabus for love's latest experiment, but neither of them expected they'd be the ones putting it to the test.

— Ok, I know that sounds bad. Again, I’m a creature of predictable habit and this was the sequel to The Roommate, which I absolutely LOVED last year. But where as the relationship in that one was kind of swoony, this one was...I don’t know, really. Everyone was a well-rounded character and the plot was good, but there was this semi-invisible something that made it difficult for me to get fully on board with the whole story. Honestly, it might be because he was a religious figure?? Also, they got together real quick. Like zero to sixty in twenty-six seconds flat.

I KNOW IT’S BAD, IT WAS BAD AND YET—I CANNOT STOP READING IT???

Too Wild to Tame by Tessa Bailey

Sometimes you just can't resist playing with fire . . . By day, Aaron Clarkson suits up, shakes hands, and acts the perfect gentleman. But at night, behind bedroom doors, the tie comes off and the real Aaron comes out to play. Mixing business with pleasure got him fired, so Aaron knows that if he wants to work for the country's most powerful senator, he'll have to keep his eye on the prize. That's easier said than done when he meets the senator's daughter, who's wild, gorgeous, and 100 percent trouble. Grace Pendleton is the black sheep of her conservative family. Yet while Aaron's presence reminds her of a past she'd rather forget, something in his eyes keeps drawing her in. Maybe it's the way his voice turns her molten. Or maybe it's because deep down inside, the ultra-smooth, polished Aaron Clarkson might be more than even Grace can handle . . .

— Last month I read the first book in this series and it was absolutely ridiculous. This one even more so. The Clarksons are still on the road trip (sans one sibling because she fell in love in a week in the first book) and Aaron was, like, not a root’able character? Very Edward Cullen I’M A BAD GUY, BELLA vibes and his relationship with Grace was so strange. Super rushed again, obvs. Meeting in the woods is weird enough. Professing love forty-eight hours later is decidedly unbelievable. Also there was a kidnapping involved? I totally put a hold on the next book in the series.

COME UP WITH DIFFERENT TRAUMA, I DARE YOU! OR NO TRAUMA. WHAT A CONCEPT!!

The Trouble With Hating You by Sajni Patel

Liya Thakkar is a successful biochemical engineer, takeout enthusiast, and happily single woman. The moment she realizes her parents' latest dinner party is a setup with the man they want her to marry, she's out the back door in a flash. Imagine her surprise when the same guy shows up at her office a week later -- the new lawyer hired to save her struggling company. What's not surprising: he's not too thrilled to see her either after that humiliating fiasco.

Jay Shah looks good on paper...and off. Especially if you like that whole gorgeous, charming lawyer-in-a-good-suit thing. He's also infuriating. As their witty office banter turns into late-night chats, Liya starts to think he might be the one man who truly accepts her. But falling for each other means exposing their painful pasts. Will Liya keep running, or will she finally give love a real chance?

— I had such high hopes for this one. Which is on me, I guess. Because I didn’t hate this one, but it was...not great. Maybe I’m just getting old and crotchety but I am BEGGING romance writers to come up with different trauma for their female protagonists. Not every woman has to have been assaulted to rationalize their current personality. Doesn’t have to happen. Like, ok, yes it does happen. Far more than it should. But that’s an entirely different story, and I am so tired of female characters getting absolutely destroyed by their past only to have that be their defining characteristic for so much of the book. Until a nice man they were initially mean to shows up and he’s UNDERSTANDING and he CARES and it’s just, bleh. It’s bleh. Tired and predictable and I’m over it.

IN WHICH I SHOULD HAVE LOOKED AT THE COVER

Much Ado About You by Samantha Young

At thirty-three-years old Evangeline Starling’s life in Chicago is missing that special something. And when she’s passed over for promotion at work, Evie realizes she needs to make a change. Some time away to regain perspective might be just the thing. In a burst of impulsivity, she plans a holiday in a quaint English village. The holiday package comes with a temporary position at Much Ado About Books, the bookstore located beneath her rental apartment. There’s no better dream vacation for the bookish Evie, a life-long Shakespeare lover. Not only is Evie swept up in running the delightful store as soon as she arrives, she’s drawn into the lives, loves and drama of the friendly villagers. Including Roane Robson, the charismatic and sexy farmer who tempts Evie every day with his friendly flirtations. Evie is determined to keep him at bay because a holiday romance can only end in heartbreak, right? But Evie can’t deny their connection and longs to trust in her handsome farmer that their whirlwind romance could turn in to the forever kind of love.

— Ok, so I had had this book on hold for so long that I genuinely forgot about it and forgot who it was written by. Samantha Young wrote that one book that I called the worst book I had ever read. Only I did not realize that when I started reading this one. So, you see how this sets us up for disaster. Because this book was a disaster. Everyone was goddamn annoying. And whiny. Shit, everyone whined. About everything. Also, the actual writing was atrocious. I am not usually one to be like “men can’t write,” but at one point I told both @shireness-says and @optomisticgirl that this book must have been secretly written by a man because no woman writing it would be so obsessed with pointing out where her cellulite was. Like, what??? Also the first sex scene? Oh my God, I laughed. Guffawed. The so-called love interest literally asked: “Are we going to have sex now?” And then they just did. It was so bad. Also there was a dog? Who went everywhere with the so-called love interest. And they just never explained that? I thought it was going to be part of some crushing and depressing backstory. Nah, he was just there.

HOLY SHIT THIS WAS SO DUMB I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS WAS A BOOK! A BOOK MEANT FOR YOUNG ADULTS! WHAT IS YOUNG ADULT???

The Queen’s Secret by Melissa de la Cruz

Lilac's birthright makes her the Queen of Renovia, and a forced marriage made her the Queen of Montrice. But being a ruler does not mean making the rules. For Lilac, taking the throne means giving up the opportunity to be with love of her life, the kingdom's assassin, Caledon Holt. Worse, Cale is forced to leave the castle when a horrific set of magical attacks threatens Lilac's sovereignty. Now Cal eand Lilac will have to battle dark forces separately, even though being together is the only thing that's ever saved them.

— Remember last month when I was like: can’t wait for my hold to come through on this sequel so I know what happens? What an idiot. THIS BOOK WAS SO DUMB I CANNOT BELIEVE IT WAS A BOOK. As always in my rage-induced rants, no apologies for spoilers because seriously do NOT read this, but Lilac (legit, that was her name) married some other dude but just kept fucking Cale??? Like she had a secret door? So he could come in and they could fuck?? I just—oh my God. So, all these things kept happening. Magic and bad stuff and horses were killed. Lilac’s mother was the absolute WORST. Honestly the most worthless character who at one point was like “well, my story is over, guess it’s time to leave,” and then just left?? Forced Lilac into a marriage of alliance and no love and then everything evil was defeated in point two four seconds. It happened so fast I wasn’t even sure it happened. So, then I’m like, ok, how are Lilac and Cale going to end up together? Because this is YA and that’s how it’s supposed to work. Only her being married and that marriage requiring an heir is something of a rather large hurdle. Don’t worry! Remember when Lilac and Cale were fucking? Everyone totally knew. Including the king Lilac is married to. Who is somehow like...ok with this? And tells Cale that Lilac is pregnant. ISN’T THAT WONDERFUL! Sure, because now they can lie and claim its the king’s heir. ONLY IT’S CALE’S KID! AND CALE IS COOL WITH THIS! His entire internal monologue during this is about how he realizes he might not ever be able to tell his kid he’s their father, but he’ll be around and that’s good. Wait, what??? But there’s more! Not only is Lilac having Cale’s kid, but the king she’s married to is in love with one of Cale’s spy associates. So the king and the spy are going to go hang out (and presumably have their own kids) at one castle and Lilac and Cale are going to go to another. Lilac and the king never get divorced or annulled or whatever. Everyone stays as is and married as is and—they all live happily ever after? This was presented as a good ending, I swear. What the shit, guys, seriously.

[panharmonium]

Stiles?

[disclaimer for other folks before I start this one: I HAVE ONLY WATCHED SEASONS 1-4 OF TEEN WOLF.  I *am* going to finish it, and I have been carefully avoiding spoilers for anything past Season 4, including general impressions of whether or not people like various seasons, comparisons of quality between seasons, etc.  PLEASE do not reply to this post or talk to me about Teen Wolf unless you are scrupulously avoiding ALL discussion of seasons 5-6.  Thank you!]

First impression:

Positive!  I already have a weak spot for smart, witty side characters, so I liked him from the start.  But I didn’t get super interested in him until the episode with the parent-teacher conference - the sequence where each parental group is having a conversation with a different teacher and something is revealed about each of the kids is actually what got me hooked on Teen Wolf as a whole.  Before that, I’d been kind of casually interested in all the characters, but then the show turned around and was like, “hey, remember the character tropes we set you up for with these kids?  SURPRISE, WE’RE SMARTER THAN THAT!  EVERY SINGLE OF THESE CHARACTERS IS FULLY ROUNDED AND FLESHED OUT AND DOESN’T FIT IN A BOX.”

The whole way that sequence is edited is just fantastic.  How it cuts between what the teachers are saying and what the kids are doing at that moment - amazing.  The minute I heard about Jackson’s adoption/Scott’s missing dad/Stiles’s mom/Lydia’s intelligence + her parents’ separation, I was a goner for that show.  

Impression now:

Love him.  It’s hard for me to say “favorites” with Teen Wolf, because I really do adore every single character.  But he’s one of my favorites. XD

Favorite moment:

Way too many.  One of the smaller moments that I really love with him is during 3A when they’re trying to escape with Cora from the hospital, and they’re exiting the ambulance, and Stiles stops midway out and the scene kind of slows down as he stares at the intake form hanging on the ambulance door, because he just saw the signature line that said “Parent/Guardian” and he’s figuring out that Jennifer isn’t actually aiming for “warriors” right now, she’s aiming for “guardians.”  And then he takes off running, because he knows Jennifer’s going to go for Melissa.

I love the way that entire scene was cut, and the way they start playing this song as he begins to figure it out, and the way everything else slows down and the world falls away as realization sets in.  I just really love seeing how smart he is - his brain is always working, even when they’re in the middle of a crisis.  Like Lydia says, “You’re the one who always figures it out.”

Speaking of Lydia - another favorite Stiles moment is at the dance in 1.11, when he tells her he knows how smart she really is and that she’s going to "write some insane mathematical theorem that wins [her] the Nobel Prize.”  I just - I will legitimately go to the mat over lazy, provably incorrect takes that try to argue that Stiles was just immaturely idolizing the “image” of a girl he thought was pretty.  The entire point of their relationship is that Stiles has always seen past the airhead image Lydia puts on to survive their high school jungle - he doesn’t shame her for putting it on, but he doesn’t lie to her about believing the act, either.  He knows she’s a genius.  He admires her so much.  He thinks she’s the coolest damn person in the world.

[^Someday I will type up the infuriated rant that rises in me every time I see some unbearably misguided take on Stiles’s relationship with Lydia falling into the “Nice Guy (TM)” category (when it is canonically the EXACT OPPOSITE), because every time I see someone say that I get the urge to start breaking stuff.]

Idea for a story:

Oh, boy.  Well, I have about 50k of unpublished Teen Wolf fic (from both Stiles and Allison’s POV) on my computer, which was all part of a massive two-part project that in retrospect I think was maybe a little too ambitious for me at the time.  I’m not abandoning it, because I love what I’ve written so far, but it needs to be seriously re-worked before it can be continued.

Ultimately, the project was my answer to some things about 3B that I found unsatisfying on a storytelling front, but it was a bigger thing than I could pull off successfully at that stage of my writing life.  I’ve been getting a lot more experience with longfic and plotting from my Merlin work, though, so I think once I pivot back to Teen Wolf I’ll be better placed to tackle this project.

Unpopular opinion:

If there’s anybody here who ships the Big Teen Wolf Ship, you’ll probably want to go ahead and scroll on by this bit.

I have generally been very diligent about avoiding the TW fandom, just because I’m still avoiding spoilers for the seasons 5 and 6, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t been, uh...exposed to way more information about its ship distribution than I ever wanted to know.  And I remain BAFFLED about why it looks the way it looks.

I say this every time this topic comes up, but there are some ships that I just don’t care for, and then there are some ships that I literally cannot comprehend where on earth they came from.  Derek/Stiles is a ship where I can’t understand where it came from.  It squicks me so badly.  Literally just the tiniest glimpse of it makes me want to crawl out of my skin.  

I don’t know if people just...don’t understand that Derek is canonically in his twenties?????  Or if they’re all fast-forwarding the timeline and aging Stiles up; I don’t know.  I’ve never investigated.  But I don’t understand why this ship ever even occurred to anyone.  I don’t get it.  I was teaching high school when I was Derek’s age.  There is NOTHING romantically compatible between a 16 year-old and a 22/23 year-old, in any non-fucked up version of reality.  

So there’s the grossed-out factor, for me, and then there’s also just the fact that this ship is yet another example of fandom’s inability to read any relationship with a fascinating, complex dynamic as anything other than romantically-motivated, despite the fact that a romantic relationship is indisputably NOT present in the canon.

Anyway.  I could say more about this, but ultimately I’m a “you do you” person.  I’m not going to bother anyone for shipping this, and I don’t care what people do with their own fandom time.  But my personal unpopular opinion is that Derek/Stiles is the most bizarre, textually unsupported, squicky ship I’ve ever seen.

Favorite relationship:

Stiles and Scott, Stiles and Lydia, Stiles and Allison, Stiles and Melissa.  And STILES AND HIS FATHER.  

Favorite headcanon:

This is WAY old, but to pull from an ancient post: a friend and I used to talk about the Great Flu Epidemic of 2005, which brought down the entire McCall-Stilinski clan over the course of a single weekend and which has never been definitively traced back to its source. To this day, the four of them still argue about who brought it home first.

Stiles does a science project on it in the fourth grade and on the one hand his teacher is actually impressed and relieved that Stiles was finally able to focus on something long enough to finish an assignment, but when little Scott McCall keeps interrupting Stiles’s presentation to present contrasting evidence it turns into a Production of Epic Proportions and the class gets too riled up to focus on anyone else’s projects.  

The call home that time is basically like:

Mrs. Gordon: “So the good news is this project was surprisingly well-researched - ”

Papa Stilinski: “Oh, god.”

[sherlollydramoine]

If You Only Knew

This is a request by @breadnbutternips thank you for recommending about six million songs before this one stuck and the ideas started flowing. You are my favorite music lady… and I seriously can’t thank you enough for the recommendations.

This is a song fic based on Shinedown’s “If You Only Knew”.. fic title taken from the song! :)

This immediately follows the song fic I wrote called Eyes Closed  so I’d recommend you read that one first if you haven’t already. Just like in the other piece the text messages are in bold and the song lyrics are in italics. 

Thank you to @xmxisxforxmaybe for your suggestions and edits. :) Love you! You have really been an incredible cheerleader for this piece and I don’t know if I have enough words to truly thank you!!

Warnings: ANGST ANGST ANGST ANGST ANGST, sad Rami, alcohol consumption, cigarette smoking, depression, insomnia, and language.

Word Count: 3,445

If you only knew I’m hanging by a thread, the web I spin for you. If you only knew I’d sacrifice my beating heart before I’d lose you. I still hold onto the letters you returned. I swear I lived and learned. 

It’s 4:03 and I can’t sleep. Without you next to me I toss and turn like the sea. If I drown tonight, bring me back to life. Breathe your breath in me. The only thing I still believe in is you, if you only knew.

Laying in bed staring at the ceiling again. It’s another one of those nights, the kind where sleep remains elusive and the brain can’t slow down. I can’t help it really but I wish she was here right now because I’m still not understanding why she walked away four months ago and never returned. It wasn’t like we’d never fought before because we had, or did, and often. No matter what had ever happened though she’d never just disappeared after an argument because we’d never had a problem working through everything together. Sure things were never perfect  with us but we’d always managed to navigate our way through all of the hurts.

I find it increasingly difficult to manage my feelings about this entire situation. She’d not only left us behind, but also everything she owned, which left me trapped in a living breathing memory. Some days or nights depending on my work schedule I awake barely able to breathe and even now, on the worst nights, I still find myself reaching out for her. I hate the fact that I’m still so irrevocably in love with her and I’m barely hanging on. I miss her so badly the ache in my chest is always unbearable. 

I’ve barely been able to sleep since she left, all I can do is toss and turn in a way that reminds me of the sea during a storm. Oddly, that’s exactly what I feel like emotionally, physically, and mentally. Some days I feel like with just the slightest provocation I lash out at those closest to me with the anger and rage bubbling just beneath the surface. Other times I am constantly on the verge of tears, ready to break down and let all the hurt leave my body through my eyes. 

People in my life keep trying to tell me to move on, to let her and us go but I can’t. I often tell them that I’d rather carve out my own heart than allow myself to give up on her. I’m drowning without her. Absolutely drowning, and she isn’t here to save me. With a deep sigh I decide to get out of bed since there is no point trying to sleep when my mind is like this.

I stand up and stretch my aching muscles as it had been a long and physically demanding day at work, before I drop to my knees beside the bed and reach under it to pull out the box that I keep hidden there. It mostly just contains all the letters that I’ve written her over the last four months that all ended up being returned to me. I know she is still here in New York somewhere but her friends won’t tell me how to find her. I only wish she’d have kept these letters, the written words that were partially angry, partially sad, and mostly just pleading for her to come home. I want her to know that I’ve learned from my mistakes and how deeply I miss her. 

Taking the box with me I find myself in the kitchen where I locate a random bottle of liquor. At this point I don’t care what it is so long as I can feel the burn as it makes its way down my esophagus and into my stomach.

If you only knew how many times I counted all the words that went wrong. If you only knew how I refuse to let you go, even when you’re gone. I don’t regret any days I spent, nights we shared or letters that I sent. 

It’s 4:03 and I can’t sleep. Without you next to me I toss and turn like the sea. If I drown tonight, bring me back to life. Breathe your breath in me. The only thing I still believe in is you, if you only knew.

After a while I realize that I’ve probably consumed way too much of whatever the clear liquid was, because the tears start forming at the corners of my eyes. Lifting the bottle of the counter I take a long pull directly from the bottle because I couldn’t be fucked with finding a glass. Taking the lid off the box that contained all the letters I’d written her that had all come back to me. Return to sender in big bold letters, stamped on the front of it.

I don’t think she knows how often I replay the events of that night in my head. It’s like a bad song stuck on repeat-I’ll never forget it.

I can’t bring myself to let go of her and the memories of our years together. Why would I? But then again, why can’t I let go? Who wants to live in a cycle of never ending pain? 

I pull the first letter out of the box. Even if the date wasn’t stamped on the front of it, I’d still know the exact order of each letter I sent. Resisting the urge to tear it open and read it because I don’t want to relive those words. I know what each letter says. Every word. The first letter contains exactly five hundred words. The second letter has exactly six hundred and eighty-seven, the third letter has four hundred and eleven, and the fourth letter contains nine hundred and forty-five words, but the fifth and final letter only one has nine. I only know this because I counted every word I wrote. I’m not sure why I felt compelled to do it, but how does one say they are sorry? How many words does it take? In my case, two thousand five hundred and fifty-two words.

Two thousand five hundred and fifty-two words she’ll never read, she’ll never know about, and words that I so badly want her to hear.

Finding myself desperately trying to hold back the tears that I know are coming and I pick up my now almost empty bottle of liquor swallowing down the last bit of it. Releasing another sigh into the quietness of the apartment before I toss the shiny glass bottle into the sink. It lands with a loud clinking noise but thankfully doesn’t shatter. I doubt I would have cared if it did, it would have looked just how I imagine my heart does.

If you only knew I still hold onto the letters you returned. You help me live and learn. 

It’s 4:03 and I can’t sleep without you next to me. I toss and turn like the sea. If i drown tonight, bring me back to life, breathe your breath in me. The only thing that I still believe in is you. I still believe in you. Oh, if you only knew.

Glancing at the clock on the stove, I realize that it’s just after four am and I really should try and get to sleep but I’m drowning - in pain,anger, love; I don’t even know anymore. It kills me that she’ll never know how I feel but drunken anger begins bubbling to the surface and I pick up the first letter that I ever sent her. This one was part love letter, part apology, and part angry ranting. Moving slowly to the kitchen sink and picking up my lighter that was sitting next to my cigarettes on the counter I bitterly smile as the crinkled edge of the paper catches the flame.

I stand there mesmerized as I watch the flames dance up one side of the paper before it quickly spread to the rest of the envelope. My words now nothing but ash, falling away into the sink as if they never existed. Continuing to watch bitterly I suddenly find myself filled with panic and I drop the flaming mess into the wet sink. No! I can’t give up on her just yet. Not yet.

Suddenly my phone pings with a notification and the screen lights up and I feel like I did four months ago; hopeful. There was no fighting the urge to check my phone and I was unable to resist picking it up. Looking down at the screen my breath catches in my throat and I have to fight back a sob. It was her! 

The text that I’d been waiting for, for too long was now staring at me. 

“I’m sorry. I miss you.”

Five words. That’s all it took to completely wreck my already fragile and unstable emotional state. The alcohol takes over my body and with trembling hands I quickly type out a reply.

“Me too. I love you YN. Can we talk?”

Nine words. Simple right? Effective? Can those nine words really convey everything that I’m feeling?

I don’t wait for her to respond because I find myself listening to a dial tone, holding my phone to my ear with shaking hands and my head still reeling. I’m not even sure I’m fully comprehending exactly what is happening at this moment.

“Hello,” I hear her say. Her voice sounds quiet but there is a slight hopefulness to it. 

“Hey,” I manage to say. I bury my face in my hands and try to stifle a groan. Real fucking smooth Rami, real smooth.

“Soooo, how are you?” She asks this time, and now she sounds nervous. It was hard to hear what she was saying because there was some kind of commotion in the background.

I wanted to tell her, but I found myself unable to find the words, mumbling, “Not that great, Y/N.”

“Why?”she asks, sounding distracted and distant, and I couldn’t help but to scoff. 

“Are you fucking serious?” I ask. 

“Yeah. But I-” she stops herself. The speaker of my phone makes  a loud and strange crackling noise followed by what sounds like a car door slamming shut. Hushed voices are  muttering something unintelligible in the background as I stand  in the middle of my kitchen feeling crazy. What is  she doing? Who is  she talking to? 

Did she completely forget she was on the phone with me?

“YN-I- “ I try to speak, but again am unable to form anything comprehensible at the point.

“Rami, I’m sorry. I- look. How was your day?” she inquires, though her voice sounds strained.

“It was the same shit, different day like always. Today was a tough one physically, mentally and emotionally,” I mutter. I’m not sure she’s even listening and this conversation feels so weird to me. I thought that when we finally spoke again, it would be easy like it had almost always been.

“I’m sorry your day was so rough, mine wasn’t all that great either. They usually never are,” she says with a tone that is tinged with a sort of resigned sadness. 

“If there is one thing I understand YN, it’s how it feels to have some not great days. Do you want to talk about it?” I bravely offer, even though I’m not so sure I really want to hear it at this point.

“Not really Rami, not really,” she says again.

“It’s alright. You know you can talk to me about whatever is bothering you. 

She softly giggles for a few seconds before she speaks up and this time her voice belies the fact that she’d just been giggling, “I know Rami.”

 Her small little chuckle is music to my ears and I could swear I just died and went to heaven. 

“Rami, why have you not been great?” she asks again, this time her tone is one of curiosity and all I can think to myself is “Is she really fucking serious right now?” 

“YN. I-I-I just.” I try to say but trip and stumble over my own words. I’m floundering and I’ve barely been able to speak to her. Do I tell her the truth?

I take a deep breath before allowing myself to start saying what I’ve wanted to say since she asked me this question only a few moments ago.

“I’ve been fucking drowning, forcing myself to live in a fucking memory because I can’t escape you and–” I couldn’t help but to look down at the floor and I could feel my cheeks heating with embarrassment. 

“And?” her tense voice cuts in.

“And I don’t want to. All I ever wanted was you. I can’t sleep for shit and I can barely focus, even at work. Baby, I’m barely living. Nothing-nothing that happened that night made any fucking sense and I haven’t been able to bring myself to move anything or change anything here since you walked away.”

My eyes scan the dark living room and take in the blanket still draped over the back of the couch as she’d left it. A pile of outdated women’s fashion magazines on the side table, along with her well worn copy of Pride & Prejudice with her favorite tattered green book mark wedged between the well worn pages. 

I can hear her sharp intake of breath and I know I’ve hit a sore spot.I try to keep myself from crying because I know those words have stunned her into silence. Hating the fact that I’m drunk right now, and hell she might be too, but hating even more that I am no longer in control and cannot  stop the word vomit caused by all of these overwhelming feelings.

All I hear is white noise. The kind of buzz that comes from being in a car while it’s driving, or walking on the street while the traffic rushes by. This is New York City where the noise is never ending especially on a Friday or Saturday night. 

“Are you still there?” I ask, afraid I’ve said too much but angry she isn’t saying more at this moment. I know I’m the one that called her, but she texted me first, so that has to mean something right?

“I’m here,” she says, a little out of breath. “Rami, I-” she starts but gives up, and all I can hear is a sad sigh on the other end, and for some reason it causes the burning anger to resurface. I know I should quit while I’m ahead, but I can’t do that, I’ve never been able to do that with her.

“If you’ve got nothing to say baby, that’s alright. I’ve got a lot to say,” I deadpan. I can only hear her breathing now and it nearly sounds as if she’s crying. My heart breaks a little more but I continue. 

"My world crashed and burned when you left and I’m so angry. YN, so angry with you! ”

“I-I-understand. I guess it’s what I deserve. I up and left you. I just- fuck,” she stammers, and she sounds hesitant. Like she wants to say something more but she doesn’t know what.

“I am mad and hurt Y/N, but all I want is you. And I don’t care if that’s selfish-all I want is you here with me. Just for one Goddamn night so that I can find some peace again,” I say as I rub my face with my free hand. My hands feel fidgety and I hate the uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach when the anxiety begins to claim its hold on me.

In my irritation, I swipe at the box on the counter that contains the letters and watch as the papers flutters to the floor and the box lands with a soft thud on the hardwood. The act was childish and didn’t serve any real purpose in the relief of my emotional crisis, but I took a small delight in it. My next move is as definitely more adult as I reach across the counter for my cigarettes, plucking one from the carton and lighting it up.

Still nothing but silence on her end and now I’m worried I’ve really gone and fucked this up. I take a deep pull from the cigarette before exhaling the grey smoke into the darkness of the kitchen. If she isn’t going to speak, I’ve got more to say. 

“YN, baby, I just want to hear your laughter again, see your smile. You-you haunt me. My dreams are filled with you and us, our memories. Sometimes my dreams of you are just fantasies or a hope for-” I cut myself off again. 

I feel so foolish right now as I’m spilling my guts, leaving myself open and bare for her to do with as she pleases and she hasn’t given me much. I’m stupidly clinging to a hope that was so easily triggered by five little words and a phone call that I initiated. 

“Rami I-. I’m sad too but I love you,” she says so quietly I can barely hear her. I don’t even know that I was supposed to. 

There is so much more that I want to say but suddenly I find that I can’t. My chest aches at her quiet confession and my head swirls with thoughts of what ifs, maybes, and whys. 

The quiet between us is tense, and if not for all the background noise blaring through the tiny phone speaker, I would have thought that she had hung up on me. 

Exhaling more smoke into the air,I lean towards the sink as I rid my cigarette of the excess ash. I want to say something to her but I hesitate with my hand halfway to my mouth. I stare at my hand for a moment before I put the cigarette to my lips and I take another deep pull then exhale; repeat.

I can hear her take a breath and it sounds as if she is trying to breathe through sobs as she begins to speak. 

“Rami I’m so sorry. Baby I’m so fucking sorry. I-I-I love. I’m so fucking sorry.”

Leaning against the counter in the kitchen, glowing cigarette in my hand, I glance up at the clock on the stove again, the glowing numbers read 4:25 am.  She probably just accidentally drunk texted me after being out with friends tonight and the last thing she was expecting was to have this conversation.

Finishing my cigarette I toss it in the sink and turn on the water for a few seconds before I let out another sigh and pinch the bridge of my nose in frustration. Why is she unable to say anything? I feel like I’ve bared my soul and she has still given me very little in return though she has uttered the word love. 

Honestly, opening my mouth is the last thing I should have done at this moment but apparently I have no impulse control tonight. I start to feel an overwhelming sadness due to feeling as if this conversation was futile and I’ve got my brain telling me I’ve likely ruined any chance of a reconciliation.

My voice almost breaks as I find the words I was searching for. I’m near tearfully scolding her now but I’m also ripping myself to pieces. I’m not an innocent party in all of this; I’m just trying to place blame because I’ve had a difficult time accepting my new reality. 

Loneliness. 

“You should be, but I-I’m to blame for this mess as well baby. I wasn’t listening to you and all you were trying to do was communicate how you were feeling. God baby, how could we have fucked this up so badly? How? Fucking five years together and it all came tumbling down over one stupid fucking moment. All because-” 

My speech is interrupted by a loud knocking on the door. My head snaps up and my mouth snaps shut as I glare at my door, the rhythmic sound unrelenting and only furthering my agitation. 

“Who the fuck would-” I complain as I make my way to the front door. Turning the lock and swinging the door open, I’m ready to give whoever it is a piece of my mind, but instead, my jaw goes slack and my phone clatters to the floor. 

There she is in all her glory, at nearly 4:30 am, wearing one of my old hoodies; the one she’d been wearing the night she left me.

Tag List: @txmel @free-rami @warmommy @mrhoemazzello @itsme690 @ramimedley @safinsscar @ladyr0b0t @youthtea @ramisgirl512 @hissom1933 @spacedustmazzello @sassystrawberryk @ramimalekpan @doing-all-write @itslula1991 @imnottiredofgettingoveryou @alottanothing @mezzomercury @theultraviolencefan @the-real-ramimalekpeen @hazeleyedbeth @w0lfglrl17 @adoremalek @rawmemalek @lunasasylum @lablanchett @diasimar @zodiyack @sasha–1996 @rami-malek-trash​ @seven-seas-of-ham-on-rhye​ 

[popculturebuffet]

Ducktales: Challenge of the Senior Junior Woodchucks! and Quack Pack! Review/Thoughts

Hello errybody, I’ve decided being a huge fan of this verison of Ducktales, and someone who likes reviewing stuff and going on and on at length about it, to review this season’s episodes as they come out, both to get me writing critically again, and to get more non chat content on the old tumblr.  First, while you likely don’t care a little about my history with the ducks; While I , sadly though i’m trying to correct it, haven’t read MUCH of Carl Barks classic donald duck comics nor that of his avid fanboy and clear sucessor in quality and talent Don Rosa, I did read Rosa’s utter classic “The LIfe and Times of Scrooge” mcduck in high school and the story stuck with me sense. I’ll go into Life and Times another day hopefully, but naturally when the reboot was announced I was excited.. a great voice cast, and donald,my boy, as part of the main cast. The show has been a joy to behold and with steven universe having taken a bow JUST a week ago and Covid ravaging our lives, it coudln’t of picked a better time. But do these episodes keep the momentum from an utterly marvelous second half of season 2? The short answer is “Fuck yes” but the long answer is under the cut. 

Challenge of the Junior Senior Woodchucks! While “Challenge of the x” is a popular snowclone title I can’t help but think of superfriends with the title... or now I thought of it shortly before writing this, hearing “Meanwhile at the legion of doom” when they cut to fowl.. or rather “Meanwhile at FOWL” but in that same announcers voice. I”m a dork, that should be obvious But I was hyped for both episodes: Violet is a faviorite mine, I ship her with huey so them interacting for the first time was wonderful to me, and.. okay the subplot didn’t hook me and we’ll get to that, but we had her dads and one of my other faviorites (I have several, get used to it now) , Lena , at least putting in an apperance. And honestly.. the main plot lived up to it. As I said I didn’t really dig the sub plot, more on that in a second, but I REALLY enjoyed this. From the begining Huey was my faviorite of the three triplets, easily, as it’s fairly easy for me a grown ass dork with anxiety, self confidence, anger issues, depression and constant self doubt, to relate to a little duck with the same and I’ve loved Danny Pudi since community, so naturally I was excited for his turn for a spotlight season.  And again the show didn’t disapoint.. Huey has a rather decent arc with some unexpected turns: First unexpectly, the trailer lied as while Huey and Violet look ultra competiive, theirs no real confilct..s econds after that bit the two shake hands (after a good 20 seconds of adorable and hilarous failure to do so that fits both like a glove.), and try to be good sports. The problem is instead internal: As Huey muses to his siblings (Webby very much included, getting her own great bit of encouraging Huey while also assuring Violet she’s also great he just needs it more, which is accurate) “If i’m not hte best junior woodchuck who am I”. Like Louie last season towards the begining (when he didn’t have a clear purpose in their adventuring dynamic) and towards the end (When della nearly took it away from him), he’s nothing without his sense of who he is. It’s easily why he’s the one to comfort him when his other siblings are either torn between two friends or you know, Dewey. Louie knows what it’s like to be rattled about who you are.  And WHY Violet outclassing him rattles him so much is intreating and to me makes a ton of sense: Huey’s identity to me is so wrapped in his intellegence and woodchuckery because , besides being oldest, it’s what he HAS on his brothers. When you think about it, Louie is the charmer, Dewey is charsmaticin his own way and loves hogging attention not to mention being fairly athletic... to stand out Huey NEEDS his brains to be the one with facts, and plans and his book.  He may not be the first on the front lines but he’s the first to solve a trap or figure out where they are if scrooge or his mom hasn’t already.. and if someone’s markdely better at that, and worse in an activity that’s wholy his own and now it’s been revealed impmortant to his mom.. just who is he.  The poor kid simply breaks down at the thought and takes bigger and stupider risks, which is sad to watch.. and thankfully lightned by his delightful mental brekadown in the form of the stephen root voiced JW Guidebook, a talking hallucination who gives huey his knowledge and edge back in the contest.. but it’s STILL not enough. And that’s when the other intresting bit comes into play: Huey.. has a moment of weakness. Despite the guidebook saying to always save your fellow woodchucks when violet gets stuck slipping in a tree.. he does nothing and leaves, despite JW  , whose now become his concious, begging him not to. It’s a sad, well done moment, and one that makes the story richer. Naturally violet escapes and when huey falls off the lava bridge to the finish line in a nother moment of desperation, and after a returning JW burns because apparently ducks and sabrewings are fireproof but imaginary manfestations of knowledge arne’t, she saves him... and is a good friend and woodchuck in NOT chastizing huey for his moment of weakness earlier, but comforting him, revealing she’s tried three times before and adding some more depth to her character: Despite her awkardness with people, she’s a kind, caring person, and gives Huey the lesson he needs: faliure, and the ocasional bout of moral weakness, is okay.. what matters is you learn from it, dust yourself off and keep going. Huey bows out due to this, as while violet is more than willing to let him pass with her, Huey knows he hasn’t earned it, yet, but he can keep trying and that this is her moment, not his. And in that, I feel learns that he dosen’t NEED recognition to be his best self.. he just needs to be a good person and a good woodchuk. I’ts a damn fine story and despite not being the intended premire, works as a great one.. mostly. And also yes I ship them.. as much as two ten-elven year olds can be, but they are adorable and geninley have a good repore.  And before I get to the dispaointing subplot, i’d be an idiot if I left out Violet’s family: We meet her dads, hilariously wearing shirts that say i’m with dad which is also really fucking adorable, and have our first onscreen conformation that Lena’s now her adopted sister, with Lena loudly screaming it in one of the best lines of the episode.. it’s clever to me: it over the top makes sure that we know yes, these men are gay and her parents.. but in a needed way given disney’s tendncy to dance around that or loudly proclaim a minor character no one cares about is gay in a way they can edit out. It’s a great step forward for the channel and the company and good on the crew for going ahead with it and good on disney for not beign dumb about it, nor, like again they have a bad habit of doing, loudly shouting about it to the media. Excellent work. 

Now i’m done rambling about Huey’s psyche and america’s new faviorite gay couple, I gotta get the suplot out of the way: while the whiporwill is freaking adorable as is dewey’s bond with it, otherwise this plot is.. really damn weak: it has some good jokes (Louie’s blunt no when Scrooge asks if hte family wants to fight a bear, Webby’s disapointment when she finds their not walking in the path of literal giants, Donald’s runner with the spy drone mosquito (and Della’s instiance to just let it suck his blood), and Della proving she has the family temper with her own donald brand angry dance) it’s just.. not enoguh. It feels like it’s an oblogiatory plto for the family and while it does set up the season’s overaching plot with a strong character, as it’s intresting learning that Scrooge had an idol at adventuring and thus is following a legacy himself, overall the subplot itself is just there and distracting from the much more intresting A-Story. That being said it was at least sorta worth it for the ending bit where huey and violet suprisingly find launchpad at the end of the trial in a cave.. as do the duckfamily, both groups crying out “Launchpad?!” with launchpad giving out a hilarious “that’s me, i’m launchpad” and while the setup for it was weak, the idea of the family going around the globe to find missing mysteries wile fighting fowl over them is a great concept. Overall a really damn strong start to the season with a weak b-plot and i’m gald even if this isn’t what htey planned to start with it’s what they went with.  Quack Pack: Quack Pack.. is one of disney’s secret shames.. I mean it’s not SO secret as it’s on D+ while this show’s predecessor wonder over yonder and superhero fantasy classic american dragon jake long are not for reasons I sitll don’t get, but that’s a rant for another day. It clashed badly with ducktlaes,was meiocre most of the time (It helps the two episodes I did watch were donald focused as he, a nicely redeisgned dasiy, and their co-worker kent were the highlights), with the boys somehow being more obnoxious than they were at their worst in the original ducktales.  Now that’s off my chest the episode itself.. is really damn good and a nice take on sitcom parody, with the family getting ready for a photo. Dewey’s “since the internet” line in paticular killed because, having watched boths ome of the best sitcoms (roseanne, designing women) and some of the absolute worst (My wife and kids, last man standing,home imporvment etc), most modern ones i’ve seen, even the good ones, have kids written this terrible way. Otherwise though it was highly enjoyable and having Jaleel “Urkel/Sonic the Hedgehog” white here to take the piss out of his former genre as Gene (and doing such a great job I really want to see Gene back next season), is the icing. That and Huey going half insane trying to figure out what’s going on, as well as the unsettling reveal of the studio audience.  Really the ep is a laugh fest, as well as the glorious arrival of goofy who to my relief, wasn’t a hallucination.. which itself is a great gag as is the offscreen internal thought of “okay so now htey ahve to take goofy with them on this deadly adventure all the way back to the states?”. The using of the adults old designs, as well as having dewey do the triplets dance and wear an outfit similar to theirs from “Mr Duck Steps Out” (Which I saw earlier this year and other than daisy’s horrifying early voice it wasn’t half bad). It’s just hard to go into and throughly enjoyable. But analysis right the real meat is in my boy donald: Going into the ep I genuinely expected Dewey to be the obvious source of the wish: while knowing gene was involved meant it was easy to see it was his fault HOW was a good question.. but having Donald do so and throughly enjoyable, and naturally gives us two great gags int he rwo: Donald’s VERY donald response “I wish for that 6 times a day! how wsas I supposed to know I was rubbing up against a magical lamp” and everyone spouting off their catcphrases, all either actual ones, basically something she does all the time turned into one (della) or poor beakly who gets “i’m not a spy” for some reason an dis cross about it. But the fact Donald not only figured it out quickly but wants to stay.. is perfectly in character. Donald in general, and especailly here, dosen’t WANT to be an adventuer anymore: he does it for his family, but he’d probably perfer the tgif lifestyle where problems are minor and solved with heartwarming lessons.. not full of lingering restiments, damage you caused, or loosing a decade of your sisters life and having to struggle to care for her kids. The rest of the familys looks when he gives his reasoning say it all: they really get why he wants this.. but Huey, who nicely got to be the one to break the sitcom news to them on top of everything else, makes an even better one: their lives are who they are.. this.. isn’t real. LIkea tgif sitcom it’s a plastic imitation of life that’s nothing like it: it’s comforting sure since hte real world is fucking complicated and miserable at times.. but hiding from it dosen’t fix things.  And while Donald, of course angrily denies this while his family ends upf ighting the studio audience, it’s Goofy, loveable guest star and everyone’s other faviorite dad, who gets his friend to see the truth: eveyr family has thieir own normal. He and max are  widower and his kid. Just a family of three (I”m counting PJ since , by his tene years at least, Peg is missing, though Iw ish she’d come back as her and goofy would be cute and she deserves better than Pete but whatever, and his dad is an emotionally abusive douchehead). But their happy, they make memories even if goofy like donald can’t walk five feet without the universe, and that’s what counts> it’s a touching sentiment and i’m happy Donald now has a friend whose also a parent and probably made similar sacrifices, and some Donald hasn’t had to just yet and probably won’t now dellas back, but made it through. So donald helps his family fight the  humanoids, take sa picture and it’s just a genuinely sweet ending... a great episode with a great concept that also opens the door for the return of the world’s other best dad more times. And again I want to see him smooch pete’s ex wife. This is the hill I will die on apaprently.. and with that I leave you. it was a good start a fun thing ot dive into and I hope for more.. oh and before I go, while i’m not a GIANT max and roxanne shipper, Idon’t dislike the ship I just don’t hav ea large attachment, it was absolutley WONDERFUL to see that they went to prom together. Okay i’m done, until next week, courage and stay safe. 

[btsandvmin]

Getting it out of the way...

Okay, so here’s the thing. I get a lot of questions about other ships, mainly about Ji/kook and I just want to say that while I understand that a lot of you are curious about my opinion on them there are a few things I would like to say about the topic of other ships. 

If you don’t want to read about other ships I suggest you don’t keep on reading. I also apologize if I sound rude and that this post is a mess, but I really just wanted to answer this and get it done as I don’t really find much pleasure in it.

I want to say to you who sent these asks that I hope you don’t feel that I have anything against you, because you have said nothing wrong or offensive. You clearly like my posts and I really love you all for supporting me and liking my thoughts to much! <3

I just don’t really like talking more about other ships than Vmin. So sorry if you feel sad about my replies. I wasn’t actually sure if I should answer some of these questions at all.

However I am, but be aware that this could be difficult to read for shippers of “all sides” including Vmin shippers. It’s basically just me ranting and speculating as I share my own views.

First of for me it’s much more fun to talk about Vmin and their bond, it’s what I love and it’s the reason I made this blog. Again, not to prove what ship is real or not, but simply to talk about Vmin and what if’s based on things I notice. Also as a bit of a counter to other shippers who love to analyze but always act 100% certain of being right. I also still think that most likely BTS has non straight members but that the odds of there being an actual couple are rather small. But if there is one maknae line is definitely the most suspicious ones for various reasons.

Secondly even if another ship is real you can’t put the relationships against each other. Seeing more of one dynamic doesn’t automatically mean that the other is lesser or has been replaced. Even if two of the members are together why does that mean that they wouldn’t be close with or love another member? If that would be true it would reflect rather poorly on the members involved, basically either making them obsessive/possessive/jealous to the point where it affects their relationship with their friends. Or being neglecting towards your friend because of a romantic relationship. Maybe this could be true in the start (honeymoon phase) of a relationship but we are talking about people who know each other and has been friends for years. You really think Jimin or Tae would abandon the other to the point of not spending any time together outside of work? We know that’s not true, we know they still spend time together even if we don’t hear about it as often. I just think it’s weird to pitch the members against each other in that way, or imply that one or more of them would be insensitive enough to do this for such a long time even if someone suffers for it. Love is not a competition. Fine if it would be mutual and they wouldn’t want to spend time together, but at least we can see that Vmin clearly love each other and they still indicate often that they like spending time together. So why wouldn’t they?

Thirdly, do you even realize how much we don’t get to see? I’ve said it before but idols manage to have relationships that are completely hidden with people they can’t meet very often. If BTS has a couple within the group they surely get to spend more time together than the normal relationship even outside of what we as their fans get to see. But it’s also much more risky and easy to expose if you say or do the wrong thing. Even if fanservice is something they can hide behind partly. In this sense, even Tae/kook makes more sense with how little we get to see from them despite obviously knowing they spend time together too. Just saying that no matter how much we think we get to see, there is still a lot we don’t see. And the things we do get to see are edited and often managed by Big Hit (even though I do not think that all the staff like editors and directors etc would be aware of a relationship if is there is one).

Fourth if there is an actual homosexual couple I think it would be in both their own self-interest and from Big Hit’s perspective to not let it show, at least not too much considering how the fans really look into every single thing. I could be wrong and maybe Big Hit is planning to let Ji/kook come out or be in a glass closet, but it would likely be devastating to their careers. Just a few days ago I saw Korean netizens comment that homosexuals are basically psychopaths. It would mean that they would put being together openly above the success of the group and honestly I just personally don’t think that fits with either Jimin’s nor Jungkook’s personalities who has sacrificed a lot of other things for BTS and their fans (I know this sounds horrible, just saying it’s a huge deal). Not right now at least, when they have renewed their contracts and still has military service to go through. Engaging in “homosexual activities” during military service is even punishable by law in Korea. Of course I don’t know any of this as fact and I do think Big Hit and BTS are very forward thinking and obviously pro LGBT+, so who knows. It would also be a huge deal that would help a lot of people, but as of now I just think it’s unlikely that they would let any member come out as non straight, and even less a couple. Their general attitude towards publicly showing support has grown, but it’s still careful and they would definitely lose a lot of fans, not the least in Korea.

Fifth, the fact is that Ji/kook is getting PR from Big Hit. Most of, if not all, things that reach us be it videos, tweets or written interviews are probably looked over by Big Hit (also remember Vmin checking their answers with each other?). Especially if they have something to hide they would probably have teams that made sure things stayed hidden. I think JK even talked about how they have staff up working while they are on vlive to check reactions etc. It’s just common sense for entertainers of any kind to have their image managed by their company at least to some extent. Also, leaks by staff is how most info on idols’ private info leaks, so a thing like this would be handled very delicately if you don’t want to get exposed. The exception here would be if no one knew about this except Ji/kook basically, but then that wouldn’t explain why Big Hit helps promoting them, also if that would be the case I imagine they would rather act even more careful.

Now of course not all staff could know about them hiding such a thing and things would slip through from time to time no matter what. But you all realize that things like GCF are right there on their official channels? That Ji/kook got asked about the trip several times, and even got moved in the Harajuku sweets interview so that we would get to see the question “What do you like about Jimin?” from JK. And why does Big Hit refuse Taehyung to sing the song with Jimin, if they are okay with promoting Ji/kook in quite obvious LGBT+ ways?

I don’t deny that Ji/kook don’t spend a huge amount of time together, or that they aren’t close, because they surely are. I also don’t think promoting a ship to hide another makes sense, so it’s definitely genuine from their side. They also do have suspicious moments and likely has hidden in each other’s rooms etc. But all I can say is that IF they are together it would seem like they don’t care about being discreet at all. Jimin has even been described by JK as “shameless” and I think the word fits with Jimin’s attitude towards JK since the beginning. Personally I don’t see much of a change in Ji/kook relationship from his side at all. And that is fine, maybe they just are that open and don’t care about being careful at all… But then that begs the question “why does Jimin act careful in regards to Taehyung?" I’m not kidding when I’m saying Jimin and Taehyung acts stiff or quiet at odd times like they try to hold back things, or that they really do seem reluctant to be alone live together.

Below you can see some asks I have gotten on these topics and honestly I kinda just want to get them all out of the way at the same time, because a lot of the things are the same. Sorry if I come off as rude, but I really don’t want to talk too much about other ships, both because it’s not really in my main interest and secondly because I think everyone should ship what they like and I am not here to talk badly about any ship.

Again, don’t feel bad for sending me these asks, and I hope you don’t feel insulted by my replies. These are sensitive topics after all and this is merely how I feel about various things.

 Asks are in cursive:

sometimes i cant help but feel really weird about vmin and feel insecure ji/kook are always together on stage and off stage even in one of taes vlives he said he wanted to call jimin but hes probably with jungkook and so many other things in memories of 2018 i really love vmin but i feel so sad and can’t help but feel that they’ve grown apart and jimins replaced tae with jungkook it makes me upset to think that maybe they fought and arent together anymore :( i’m sorry for bothering u

Even if Jimin spends more time with JK than Tae we don’t see everything and we don’t know everything. But I am confident that Vmin love each other and we know they spend time together that we don’t see. I doubt Jimin would “replace” Tae with JK, and once again their love is not something we as bystanders can measure based on the amount of screen time or tweets we get to see of certain pairs.

Heelow i just wanna ask a quick question, do you watch jik analysis videos especially that one popular shipper named kook/min/world on YouTube and Tumblr her analysis are........ STRONG I've been stalking her on Tumblr and she acts like she knows things and not gonna lie some of the things she says do come true 😕 Anyways where are you we miss you soo much mommmmyyyy 😭

I have watched some, though I can’t recall exactly which ones and what they were about (watched too many random analysis videos to remember who made them). And I agree, there are some strong compelling arguments, both for ji/kook and tae/kook. But most of them are still based in sharing rooms or the GCF or “jealousy” and frankly to me that isn’t enough even if all of them are true. The step from sharing a room to being in a relationship is rather huge if you ask me. And we know idols can be careful about showing things like that even if it’s all just rumors. And again, the behavior of ji/kook just doesn’t seem to show that they are trying to be careful about anything. But that’s just me.

As for knowing things there are plenty of inside information to be found if you just dig enough. It’s difficult to know what to trust and especially shipping info is very hard to trust. There are things like sound of JK and Tae playing games and swearing out on the internet, there are alleged fake dates with women, and not the least many fans knew about the huge internal problems that BTS experienced during 2017-18. So yes, there is of course a chance that people have obtained inside information but it’s really difficult to know what to trust or not even if some things prove to be real later on.

I appreciate your opinion , coz i find it pretty logical and mature. So i have some question about ji/kook . What do you think . Why Jin asked in recent run episode to Jm and JK "Are You Guys dating ?" i also noticed that Tae at that time seemed so quite and distante .. and he didn't laugh with other memebers after that . What do you think why memebers would say such thing as "joke" and do u think it's a joke ? Also Tae's reaction intrigued me and i think didn't other members noticed that too ?

Thank you! I try, though of course it’s extremely difficult to know everything as what is logical to me might not be logical to someone else etc. Still, I’m happy to hear you say my thoughts seem logical and mature.

For me personally things like Jin asking “Are you guys dating?” is one of the biggest reasons I don’t think it’s true. It would be a huge risk and the only reason I could see anyone doing that is if they know the truth will be out soon. They’ve also said this to other members as a joke, so that’s honestly what I think it is; a joke.

Taehyung’s reaction to things like this I have noted tend to be very muted. But on the other hand he also has a neutral face that looks rather sad, meaning he could really just have no real reaction. This is a huge problem I see in analysis videos all the time, that the person analyzing doesn’t actually seem know the members enough to know them “on their own”. Like Tae having a rather “sour” looking neutral face or for example JK who has a billion nervous habits, one which is the famous “tongue” thing. Meaning you can’t automatically assume that things only has that one meaning etc.

hello I really liked everything you write about VMin, I love that relationship that I do not consider it a Shipp anymore, for me it is the purest and most real relationship that any other shipp, I wanted to ask you what do you think about the rings I mention JK in Busan? Jimin got very nervous and JK hinted that it's something between him and Jimin, why did he do that? If you say that BigHit gives you rules to not show your love or your relationship, why did you do that ?, despite that situation

Thank you so much! :) VMin truly has an amazing bond!

I have heard about the rings, though I don’t know if it was confirmed to be exactly those rings (aka wedding/engagement) but I am not sure I know what moment you are talking about with Jimin seeming nervous. I’m guessing it might be from muster, but if someone knows please let me know.

Again, I have no idea what Big Hit says or does (though we do know some things like Tae not being allowed to sing with Jimin or Docskim not being allowed to release the behind story of Lie etc) all I talk about is how I assume they would manage such a situation. But there could be many other ways I can’t even think of. Basically it’s all a guessing game, but personally I think it would be in Big Hit’s interest to not let BTS “run wild” with certain things (like the no drunk tweeting rule). Also even if Big Hit has given them rules they are still capable of breaking those rules if they choose to, though I think it would get consequences. As for the rings a lot of the members have matching jewelry or clothes, so it’s difficult to know if it means anything special.

I'm not the last anon so I don't think they're forced but in relation to change people often say it's usually late 2017—2018. Then there's its because of JK. Because apparently that's when jimin and jk noticibly started spending a lot of time together. And since jimin only has limited time to spend with others, even outside the group, that's when the questions come. For me personally I saw the change after the Malta trip.

The dates always seems to be different even from Ji/kookers, but for Vmin at least to me there seemed to be a possible change in the early 2016 when they basically stopped with their vlives and then started to look super clingy yet pushed each other away at odd times.

As for late 2017-2018 and Ji/kook I have a few things I question in regards to the actual timeline and how that would effect Vmin. First if that was when JK and Jimin actually got together doesn’t that change the whole narrative of GFC and their trip to Japan? I mean, I realize some people see it as when they “confessed” but then it seems odd they would suddenly be super open and out if their relationship was so new. The Big Hit “unicorn shoot” was also before that which means they had already started the LGBT related promotions for Ji/kook. So if Ji/kook is real I think it makes more sense that it would have been going on for longer than that. I also personally don’t think the change is completely due to ji/kook but rather a major change in Jungkook. He did not have a good year 2017 and I think Jimin being there for him was just Jimin being Jimin. I also think that when JK then started to be happier his attitude changed, he started posting on twitter after a long time, dyed his hair basically for the first time and started to be seen outside more often. Sometimes getting “dragged out” by Jimin.

But the question remains if Ji/kook got together why did it affect Vmin so much? Surely if Ji/kook has been together for a long time the other members would have known and let them spend time together of course, but why would Jimin suddenly start pushing Taehyung away just because he got a boyfriend? It doesn’t paint Ji/kook in a good light to see their relationship possibly affecting Vmin’s friendship so much. And more importantly, why would it still after years make Vmin avoid certain things and act weirdly? Jimin and Taehyung are best friends and should still be able to spend time together if they truly want to, and things they say and do indicates that they want that. So why is Vmin so much more private if there is no problem for ji/kook to be so open about spending time together? 

I don’t know, personally I still think Vmin behaves more suspicious which I think would match better with both the risk with being in a homosexual relationship as well as with their respective personalities.

hi i know you are busy and probably answer very late but I've noticed that when Jik are together they always forget about Tae there are so many moments i can't mention here i am sure you know about them but it makes me sad how they just ignore tae especially jk they all were so close before so do you think there is somethin going on between jik? I mean they go on trips jm came back from Japan on Valentine's day nd they were spotted together, maybe that's why tae also doesn't go with jm 😪🤔

Hmm, interesting because I think there are plenty of moments where Vmin end up forgetting other people when in each other’s presence as well. I can think of examples with JK as well, like in Hawaii when Vmin talked about walking together at night and JK just sits there etc. I think this is one of those things that might just be shippers pointing out and over analyzing something that happens with more members than just their ship. Also Tae tends to space out, so that could be another reason. I would have to look at each moment to give a proper opinion.

I suppose if Tae perhaps really liked Jimin and got his heart broken as Ji/kook got together it could mean that Tae would like to distance himself. But there are too many other things that goes against this and I think it would be way more noticeable, not to mention probably show a huge change in physical behavior between them so it seems unlikely. I don’t see any reason for Tae to push away the person he calls his best friend just because he would be in a relationship. I also don’t see why Vmin wouldn’t just be able to continue being best friends even if one of them had a relationship someone.

I love your analyses , coz you're always puts everything so logically . Bdw what do you think of that famous jikook trip together ?? It's still intrigued me why Vmin always wants and say out loud that they want to travel together just Only two of them , and they even made a promise of that ,but then suddenly JM goes w JK (and they likes to talk about that trip a lot) , and i still can't get why Tae coudn't be there too and what stopped them to made their wishful promise ??

Taehyung was actually in Japan at the same time… Which is interesting. But he was spending time with his family. I do agree it’s weird Vmin has never acted on going somewhere together despite having claimed to want to several times, but either we just haven’t seen it or they simply prioritize other things above it. I don’t think it’s anything weird if that’s the case. I also don’t think Ji/kook going on a trip automatically makes them real, not even if Jimin was out with JK (and other friends) on Valentines day.

It’s funny because Ji/kookers stalked them to find which hotel room they stayed in and got all crazy about the bath being see-through, as if not all the members have likely seen each other naked for years. But yeah, when you only see your own ship I guess it doesn’t mean anything that others has done it before. Remember Vmin on Valentines 2014?

Sorry for sounding bitter and negative, but it’s just not that fun for me to talk about this. I am aware of the other ships and how many odd things there are to find, but I will still stand by and ship Vmin. As I’ve said before they have plenty of odd things too, which means most of the ships probably cancel each other out and aren’t real. Shipping Vmin romantically is what I love and prefer and if anyone says Vmin don’t love each other they are clearly lying. I can support Vmin as best friends just as much as lovers or soulmates. To me what matters is that the members are happy and if another ship being real means happiness for the members then that’s fine by me. I will support BTS and the members no matter what, but as of now we still don’t know anything and I am not convinced of any ship.

Sorry again, I hope I haven’t offended one. But honestly being sad because you possibly might be wrong about a ship doesn’t change the fact that all of BTS love each other no matter what.

Thanks if you managed to read this and still wants to follow me. I really appreciate you all a lot. <3

[tisfan]

State of the Fics 2019

The WIPS and Dead Ends Edition

So: having recently had a few discussions with some fellow authors and talking about other writers and stuff... here is where I’m going to answer some/most/all of the MOARPLZ requests.

I have 440+ works on A03 and a lot of what I hear is MOARPLZ or “is there going to be any more of this...”

So, I’m kinda going through my list right now and letting you know what my plans are for 2020 and what, if anything, you can count on to see more of, and what is, in fact, truly over. If you don’t see a fic that you love and want to know more about it, feel free to ask me. 

Take Note and RSVP - every once in a while, we get asked about this story. This was my first jaunt into the fic world, and it’s unfinished. We lost our Steve writer because of some Fandom Drama (you can blame some stans who accused us of plagiarizing a fic we’d never read who continually attacked us until the stress just made it not worth the effort of finishing.)

Solar Powered Soldiers was my first solo effort. This fic, as far as I’m concerned, pretty much sucks. It was meant to be a Steve/Bucky fic, ended up with the only smut scene as a Nat/Clint piece, and didn’t really have a satisfactory ending. I am not likely to ever go back and fix this.

Steve of Oz was supposed to be mostly smutty foray into exploring Steve as the Avengers Bike. The plan was basically for him to end up having sex with literally everyone, while in a Wizard of Oz setting. Never happened, didn’t get much response to it. 

Lost in the Shadows Every once in a while, I get someone who asks me about this AU. Talk about your niche markets! On the other hand, I love me some ShadowRun, so I have not closed down the idea of writing more on this AU... 

So, here’s a fun thing: This particular AU is what’s been requested by my Marvel Trumps Hate winner, so, I’ll be writing a dragon-level event story for this, some 27 - 30,000 words. You ready, chummer?

The Communal Kitchen AU We have a few half-complete stories in this series; Vol 3, the Mating Habits of Hero Birds, a vague outline of a Team NuclearWinter side piece, and a couple of smut pieces that never got written. I may yank the sex pollen scene from Vol 3 out and post it as a stand-alone. We’ll see. If there’s interest in any of this, maybe we’ll come back to it. (I am currently re-reading the whole series, because honestly, I write the fic I want to read, and so I re-read my own stuff rather a lot.)

Anything involving Phil Coulson and Clint Barton - while I still ship this couple, and I’ll read stuff about them, I’ve pretty much given up writing them. Between Agents of SHIELD and everything with Clint starting in, say Age of Ultron forward, I just... don’t feel it anymore? Which does include the started and never finished Coulson’s Final Case 

Next Thursday Night - huh, I’d honestly forgotten about this fic. maybe i’ll revisit it this year upcoming... somewhere I think I have an outline.

Subject to PunTax - I love puns, and this story is very formulaic. I pick a topic, make up 5-7 puns on the subject, wrap a story around it and tie a bow with a suggestive pick up line. So, I leave this open to continue, the next time I’m feeling Punny.

Bucky Barnes has Kittens - Bucky as the crazy cat lady writer with bad anxiety. I’ve had a lot of people tell me this story has been great for them, dealing with Bucky’s anxiety issues. I do have more story ideas for this ‘verse, including Bucky finding out that Steve is also a writer and dealing with that. Decidedly On the List.

Eight Arms to Hold You - I have a handful of extra stories for these. Some of them went up on Tumblr for tentacletober... generally speaking, any mermaid fic of mine is subject to a continuation because MERMAIDS and OCTOBUCKY

All American Road Trip confession time here: I stopped writing this fic because of some anti-tonys who kept popping in my comments for this fic to rant about Tony Stark in a fic that was NOT ABOUT TONY. I’ve deleted all their comments, but they were nasty, and I stopped wanting to write for people who were being so abusive to Tony (and honestly, that much bile spilling in my comments, I don’t care who it’s about, it makes me sad) Like, they liked the Fic (steve/sam/bucky) but... eeeh, whatevs. I didn’t feel like dealing with it, and I’m not going to.

Also Prey - One of my more popular pieces, I reserve the right to add more to it when I’m in a fluff mood.

Kiss me Through the Phone - I wrote this with @27dragons and I have about... half a plan for a third chapter called Your Dirty Little Secret. So, with some encouragement, that could happen.

The Truth is Who You Are - my BDSM with religious song lyrics fic; this stuff is really emotional for me, and while I do have 2-3 more pieces planned, they take me a while to write and they knock the shit out of me while I’m doing it. There’s a lot of Tony working through his self-hatred that just... it’s deep. So... there will be more, it just... might be Some Time. 

The Killer and the Kid - this is literally my most popular piece. I get a MOAR PLZ ask on this at least once a month. I have been saying for a while I’m not planning any more of this, but I did offer it as an incentive for the Marvel Trumps Hate auction. This particular fic will ONLY BE WRITTEN for a charitable donation. 

Joyride - I’ve written a couple of addons for this fic loosely titled Bundle of Joy. They’re not quite Done Yet, but when I get there, I’ll be posting that.

Nights in Sandbridge - our most popular series, and I love these boys so much here. We have no major plans to continue, but if something strikes us, we may. 

WinterIron Pickup - a short story that spawned a second chapter. I have some ideas for continuing this, but it’s fallen by the wayside as I write other things.

What Good is the Sky - this piece is so angsty, and I keep getting requests to do moar of it. Trust me, you don’t want that, it will END BADLY. and I will cry a LOT.

Off the Menu - I really do have a LOT more of this story in my head. I just don’t know when I’m going to get around to it.

Bucky Barnes Prom CYOA this was SO HARD to format that I just gave up on it. I may come back and redo this as a few “completed” stories? 

Phoning it In - I do, in fact, have a few more of this AU in mind, I just lost a bit of the shiny after an amazing fucking against the sofa smut scene. So, there might be more of this in your future (also I kept expecting it to win March Madness, so I-- didn’t get back ‘round to it?)

A Poor Reflection - never got finished. Not sure why, I had the whole damn thing plotted out. Where is my outline??

The Enhancile War Series - mostly to play with the trope of naked girl in a box, this series originally had four plotted stories, but we just could NOT get the fourth story to GO anywhere, even pushing on it really, really hard.

Any Old Music Will Do - I have a plot outline for this one, with Bucky and Tony forming the core of the Defenders, along with Luke and Jessica, but I don’t know what I did with it... anyway, there’s more ideas here. a bit.

Indispensable we had a plot idea for a sequel and I actually think we wrote about 15000 words or so on it, but-- meh, it ended up not being very interesting. If we come up with some actual plot, then maybe?

Park(s) and Wreck(ed) - I have some more ideas for this as Tony and Bucky get their sexy on all over the office.

Stark, Naked - we did, in fact, do a sequel to this, which was rather short, but well-received. Not much ideas here for anything else, but we like this version of them, so if we get good prompts, we might be tempted to take up the reigns again.

Land After Time - We get a LOT of requests for Moar of this. If we had ANY FUCKING CLUE what was going on, we might. but we really, really don’t

We Can’t Eat That (It’s Dead) - I actually have an entire plot for this, on who the dead guy is and what happened...  I could be encouraged.

Forever Home - we wrote a full length sequel to this, but weirdly enough, it WASN’T the original sequel we’d sort of talked about. which means there’s potentially a third story here... (maybe a 4th one, too)

Excuse me, I think You Have My Suitcase - the further adventures of Tony and Bucky in lacy underthings. Yes. The next time I feel like PWP, I plan to revisit.

Dead to Rights - I still really like this idea... I just didn’t get as much traction from the Umbrella Academy fandom as I would have liked. Probably because most of my writer friends are Not Into It, which doesn’t give me many people to bounce ideas off 

New York: Become Human - there’s a LOT more story here to tell... maybe we’ll tell it.

Rejoice in the Sun - I started writing this fairly soon after Endgame, when I had a lot of feels, but between the absolute outpouring of hatred about that movie from the fandom. seriously, y’all were going all Annie Wilkes up in the house to the point that I put Endgame back on BLACKLIST to get away from the seething bile... it got really hard to enjoy post endgame content, and I got sick, too, so... that didn’t help any.

Once a Knight - Witch Bucky and Knight Tony... we have some more plot for this...

No Job Too Small - I think I even have another chapter of this WRITTEN. And some more plotted out. Tony and tiny children. What could go wrong?

(D)rift Away - Bigger Better Bugspray... what happens when the Rifters come back? There might be more of this, once I work out some plot. And honestly, stop getting distracted by the damn @heamarvel prompts.

The Door into Winter - I have a whole story for this, still working on it

Learning to Work Together (Good Omens) - we have some more feels for this, so possibly, if we can put plot together.

Pretty much everything else i’m posting in progress is still going strong, Blueberries, Hell Charger, Can’t Help you Fix Yourself, Reclamation, Draco Malfoy and the Rune... and I have a couple of other collabs with other people that are... bogged down with details right now.

We’ve got a couple of stories headed your way from the Marvel HEA Hallmark challenge, including what may well be my new favorite: Buck Barnes Got Married. We also wrote a Cyber Punk AU with companion Tony as an excuse to dress Tony up in skimpy outfits.

So, that’s like the general status of Old Fic... and having ideas is not the same as finding the time to sit down and WRITE them, especially since New Ideas are attacking me at the same time, honestly.

[tiergan-vashir]

@aegirward​

I wanted to address some things about your reply to me, but all of it was quite long, so to spare everyone’s dashboards, I’m just going to leave a link here for them to read it, as well as @friendly-fire-engaged​‘s response to you.

There's a lot of misinformation here to unpack, so let me just start from the top:

Sorry if I wasn’t clear in my previous reply. I didn’t mean I was wary that Sylb specifically had photoshopped screenshots. I had become wary in general after being burned once.

Whether you were wary in general or wary against Sylb specifically is completely irrelevant. It doesn’t matter if it was Sylb in particular or any other woman on the planet. The fact of the matter is that when faced with a woman who presented you with screenshots of sexual harassment from man with a long established, self-admitted history of sexually harassing women - you still decided the screenshots might have been photoshopped.

That’s not ‘wariness’ - that’s a blatant denial.

You also seem to be extremely determined to paint a very benign picture of yourself in which your only two flaws when it came to Sylb and her harassment were:

You wanted to give Kale a second chance despite his history, because people had given you a second chance in the past.

You made a mistake and believed that Sylb must not have been suffering that badly, because she was willing to continue RPing with the group despite Kale’s presence.

There’s much more to it than that. You conveniently glossed over your most egregious, malicious behavior: 

Despite how kind and accommodating you were to Sylb’s face, you were actively sabotaging her to other people behind her back.

You made the conscious, willful choice to not only buy into the idea that Sylb may have photoshopped the screenshots and that she must not have been suffering all that badly because she was still RPing with EA, but that Sylb was the one who wronged Kale and that other, completely uninvolved people needed to be convinced of this as well.  You held up a double standard where it was okay to trust Kale despite his past, but Sylb was not trustworthy from the beginning.

Here are some screenshots from @diskwrite-ffxiv’s post which show you driving a wedge between AMoB and FLEET by bringing up Sylb out of the blue in AMoB’s moderator chat and intentionally mischaracterize her to Renata and Berrod as someone who was just out to ostracize Kale.

https://imgur.com/a/i7SJjlq

The screenshots show you and Iota worked together to paint Sylb as someone trying to manipulate others into hating and shunning Kale.  You brought up how Zheng ‘questioned her intentions’.  You described her as someone who will “rant to anyone about Kale” - a falsehood I know is patently untrue. Sylb was extremely anxious and nervous about talking about her situation to anyone and didn't want to appear like she was trying to run Kale’s name through the mud. 

She didn’t even bring it up to the majority of her own FC.  Most of FLEET was in the dark all the way up until @diskwrite-ffxiv’s post was created.  The only people who had in-depth knowledge that she was even suffering from anything were a small handful of her closest friends for support, the EA Mods she passed the document off to, and eventually Martin.

The screenshots also show you making the claim that she “copy/pasted her story about needing to block Kale and why to pretty much everyone” despite Sylb ONLY giving that document the EA Mods, Martin, and that handful of close friends she was going to for support.  She went out of her way to specifically ask Iota not to share the document containing her request around to anyone outside of the EA mods without her permission first, as seen below:

https://imgur.com/a/4SHtSLd 

All of this clearly demonstrates that contrary to what you claim, you actually very much did try to stop collaborations between AMoB and FLEET.  You tried to convince Renata that Sylb was trying to smear Kale’s name and nearly succeeded in doing so.  Renata herself admitted that as a direct result of this, she brushed off Sylb’s legitimate complaint.  You smeared a woman’s name to people she didn’t know, because you and Zheng “questioned her intentions”.

In the next part of your reply, you’ve conflated two entirely separate events Sylb wanted to create: The FLEET-Resistance collab event and the Soldier’s Ball.

Your original reply to the ask mentions the FLEET-Resistance event Sylb wanted to create with AMoB.  I was referencing this FLEET-Resistance event when I when I asked why it was suspect that a victim of sexual harassment wouldn’t want to create an RP event where she would have to be near the person who harassed her in the time immediately after she outright blocked him as opposed it being a completely sane and normal response from a victim of sexual harassment.

AMoB was not directly affiliated with EA. The FLEET-Resistance event was not an EA event.  Kale, as a character, has nothing to do with FLEET and the Resistance.  So why was it strange for a woman to want to exclude the man who made her uncomfortable in an event she was trying to collaborate on the day after blocking him?

Here are the screenshots of that conversation: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1l_kPtTU-YjJy335F1yB4KLyvFVaNbz2cr0xI2FCTU3U/edit?usp=sharing

You, her, Iota, Martin, and Zheng were all in a group chat together brainstorming.  Sylb mentioned she didn’t really want a public event as she’d been hoping for more of a Maelstorm vs Resistance event and that it was too soon for certain characters to show up.  Note how she went out of her way to avoid mentioning Kale and is wary of discussing her situation in front of someone who is not an EA mod until she is made aware that Zheng is already in the know. Notice how she finally agrees to open the event up further - just before Zheng insinuates she is spearheading a “Fuck Kale campaign”.

Another thing I want to point out is that Zheng never apologized to Sylb after that discussion for the “Fuck Kale campaign” comment and you did not provide a proper apology either.  This wasn't a matter of “Golly! We thought Sylb must not have been suffering so badly, because she was still RPing with EA!” - this was a matter of you both explicitly not believing her and punishing her for it.  As the AMoB mod channel screenshots clearly showed, you admit to questioning her intentions and actively worked to sabotage her.

The Soldier’s Ball is an entirely different event, and I notice that you have a very different timeline of events than what actually occurred.

At the time this conversation was going on, Sylb was still participating in EA events with Kale. If I remember right, it was shortly after the Ala Mhigan Ascension RP. I had not been told that she no longer wanted to do any event with Kale or have Kale at her other events.

Sylb said she would not work directly with Kale and that was the reason for not choosing him as a representive. But prior to that, she was in our group DMs with Kale helping plan for the ascension ceremony. That was the event where I offered to translate anything Kale said and pass it on to her, rather than have her be in the group chat, if that made her more comfortable.

So the situation perplexed me, because in my mind, she had just been dealing with Kale and this combination of choosing Raniall over Kale and Martin over Zheng seemed less about comfort and more about a decision that would make things awkward with Kale’s group.

I told her the situation made me uncomfortable, because it did. I was thinking of the impact it would have on the 4th. The position it would put Raniall in and what it might make the other 4th members think. I never told her not to do it, just that it wasn’t something I was comfortable with, so I wouldn’t be attending the event, but I WOULD make sure it was promoted in all the usual places. I didn’t think my lack of participation would matter ICly, because I was not RPing anyone needed for the event.

Firstly - the notion that “she no longer wanted to do any event with Kale or have Kale at her other events” is flagrantly untrue and easiest to disprove.

In the screenshot conversation with Iota I linked above where Sylb hands over her document to the mods to lay down her boundary with Kale, Sylb explicitly states:  “I’ll continue to be polite to him in group channels and in voice chat, but I don’t want to have direct one on one contact with him anymore. I’m not asking the Eorzean Alliance discord mods (or anyone else) to take any sort of action against Kale. I’m just letting you know about this boundary that I’m establishing with Kale because it’ll likely impact the way that FLEET communicates with the rest of the EA group (as in, I’ll reach out to other GMs instead of Kale about stuff).”

This was copy-pasted word for word from the document that was shared with you and all the EA Moderators.

Secondly - the Ala Mhigan Ascension event happened in December, two months after Sylb had blocked Kale in early October and informed the EA moderators of her boundary. (Timestamps visible in the Discord screenshots where Sylb laid her boundary down.)  By then you should have been more than well aware of it.  There should have been nothing ‘perplexing’ about what was occurring.  

Unless you did not care enough to read her document laying out her boundaries in its entirety when it was shared to you, you would know she was doing exactly what she’d stated her boundary was two whole months ago: cooperate politely with Kale in group chats, but bar him from talking to her in direct, one-on-one conversations.

Lastly - the most glaring mischaracterization you’ve written of everything surrounding the Soldier’s Ball is the idea that Sylb: 

Uninvited Kale from the Soldier’s Ball. 

“Sylb said she would not work directly with Kale and that was the reason for not choosing him as a representive”

Sylb was not selecting representatives - she was literally trying to get people to pick songs.  She thought it would be nice to have a song for each Grand Company at the Soldier’s Ball, and was considering asking individuals from each Grand Company group to pick one.  That’s literally it.

Here is your conversation with Sylb regarding Soldier’s Ball, where she is clearly discussing the selection of songs - not representatives: https://imgur.com/a/2ON3xLf

Because she did not want direct, one-on-one conversations with Kale as per her boundary, it only made sense for her to reach out to Raniall, Kale’s Second-in-Command, to get a Flames song.  And because her last interaction with Zheng/Beowoad was him literally accusing her of launching a “Fuck Kale Campaign” (and even you mention in this exact conversation that Zheng ‘questioned her intentions’) - she understandably felt more comfortable reaching out to Martin to pick a song for the Resistance than Zheng/Beowoad. Yet she even offers to ask Zheng/Beo instead of Martin for the song if it too uncomfortable for you.

I will add that Martin was only initially uncomfortable with the Soldier’s Ball because you misled them entirely as to what the entire situation was even about.  You provided them with a small section of the conversation, outside of its context and mischaracterized what Sylb wanted.

The rest of your reply to me is completely irrelevant, because it’s filled with baseless assumptions on what Sylb may have been thinking and more assertions that it was somehow “confusing” that she was still participating in EA events and working in group chats with Kale, but not in direct contexts despite you having knowledge of what her boundary was for months at that point.

All in all, your response here makes it clear that the public apologies written by you and Zheng are catered more toward damage control than actual reflection, assessment and change.  Neither your apology or this post owns up to the fact you and Iota were kind to Sylb’s face, but actively slandered her as a person to other people behind her back.  Neither your apology, Zheng’s, or this post owns up to the fact that you and Zheng went much further than simply assuming her situation was not as bad as it seemed - you both flat out didn’t believe her.  You “questioned her intentions” and punished her for daring to lay her boundary down.

When asked to leave AMoB, Zheng tried to argue that G&G has dealt with four sexual harassment cases and one had an “issue that appeared to be a plot to discredit someone falsely.” (https://imgur.com/a/r08qz70)  If it is not Sylb Zheng was referencing, then perhaps this other individual’s case should also be given a second look considering how poorly Sylb was treated.

Aegir, Instead of taking responsibility for the your true actions, you eagerly paint yourself as a man whose only flaws were that he miscalculated how serious the situation was and really wanted to believe in second chances. You talk repeatedly about how “confusing” Sylb’s behavior is to try and paint her inconsistent so your actions seem more excusable, while Sylb was doing exactly what she stated she was going to do to the EA Mods to keep herself safe.  You present a timeline of events that is muddled and out of order to serve your own needs and place yourself in a more sympathetic light.  A real apology doesn’t try to replace the other person’s story with your own reconstruction of events, rewriting what needs to be apologized for.  

To put it bluntly, I question your intentions, Aegir.

Your apology, and by extension, Zheng’s apology as it contains much of the same face-saving “we misjudged how serious the situation was and thought the issue was minor because Sylb was still working with EA” language - won’t feel genuine by any stretch of the imagination until you own up to your true mistakes. 

If you can’t admit to where you actually went wrong, how is anyone supposed to trust that this is more than a simple attempt at damage control?  How are we supposed to believe that you and the rest of the G&G leadership have actually learned from this and will truly change?

[astralbooks]

A Place Called Zamora by LB Gschwandter

Read: 04/09/2020 - 08/09/2020

Rating: 1/5

Review: 

CW: violence, murder, child murder, child abuse, sexual assualt, rape, mention of pedophillia, ableism, fatphobia, homophobia, pushing of Christianity as moral, victim blaming

This is the worst book I’ve read so far in 2020. It’s up there among the worst books I’ve read ever. I only read the whole thing because I don’t think that it’s fair to give a book that I DNF’d 1 star and a full negative review, and at least one of the criticisms I have for this book required me to have read the whole thing to ensure that it was valid. This book isn’t just bad, it’s harmful. This will be a rant review, there will be spoilers, and I will not be polite.

The worldbuilding was awful, and at times what little of it there was contradicted itself a few pages later. The world is a fairly generic dystopia, nothing about it stood out to me, and it wasn’t particularly imaginative. The villain is named Villinkish, for crying out loud. A lot of people live in deep poverty and struggle to feed themselves on a day to day basis. Oh! Except for this old woman who sells fresh produce, sandwiches, and ice cold cans of lemonade across the whole city that she gets from ~somewhere~ and everyone’s able to buy things from her every day. The Regime (that’s what the government is officially called in this book, by the way) decides that all the children have to be surrendered and raised by the state. Oh! Except for a lot of people apparently, with no rhyme or reason as to who gets to stay with their family and who gets taken away. I would put actual money on this just being an excuse to get Niko away from his parents, and Gschwandter completely forgot about it afterwards. Religion has been completely outlawed, and all the priests were hunted down and executed years ago. Oh! Except for a convent that was allowed to keep running for some reason, and this one priest who somehow survived and is able to keep being very public about being a priest and everybody knows him and he doesn’t get executed because.......... I have no idea.

In addition, this book was straight up badly written. There were often sentences that made no sense, which made it obvious to me that this badly needed at least one more round of edits, though I doubt that would’ve managed to save this mess. When sentences did make sense, the writing style was overly simplistic. It read like a children’s book, and a bad children’s book at that. Which makes no sense considering the amount of times that rape and sexual assault were used throughout the story.

The story was mostly told out of chronological order. This wouldn’t be a problem if the flashbacks had been clearly defined as such, or if they’d been woven seamlessly into the story. But they were not. Every single POV and time switch was done with nothing but a new line, with no indication of what was going on, and with no logic to them at all. This had the end result of the majority of a section titled ‘The Aftermath’ mostly showing events from before the incident that its supposed to be about the aftermath of, and there being at least one scene that I legitimately cannot place anywhere in the storyline as the flashback shown immediately after it overtook and contradicted the original scene. It gave me the impression that Gschwandter had heard the writing advice to write scenes in whichever order you want to, which is usually good advice, but then she forgot to move them into their correct places afterwards.

Circling back to the use of rape and sexual assault, it was all just there for shock value, and to emphasise just how evil some of the people in this world are. To me it just communicates a lack of creativity on Gschwandter’s part. Also, a major incident in the book is when Niko nearly rapes El, only changing his mind at the last second. El cuts his face during the struggle. First of all, I don’t know how Gschwandter expected me to be able to sympathise with this character for the rest of the book, because I was certainly unable to. Second, El cutting her would-be rapist’s face and Niko nearly raping someone are treated as equal crimes by absolutely everybody in the book, without exception. This victim blaming isn’t condemned by a single person, not even El, which results in a narrative that pushes the idea that if you defend yourself when you’re getting raped then you’re just as bad as your rapist. This is appalling and disgusting. Third, the almost rape isn’t actually shown to the reader through the ordinary narration, but through both El and Niko telling side characters their side of the story after the fact in excruciating detail. This was a defining moment in the book, and a major incident for both these characters. And it wasn’t shown, it was told. Either have the guts to show (not tell) what you want to include in your character’s storylines, find a better way of telling (The detail wasn’t necessary! It all boils down to a single sentence and that was truly all that needed to be said!), or just don’t include it at all.

Near the end of the book, El suddenly had major wilderness survival powers, despite having been raised in a convent for most of her life and never having had any reason why she should possibly know how to make cups out of leaves. Because of course she does.

If the only reference to queer people in your book is in the context of someone maybe being a pedophile, then you have written a bad book. It’s that fucking simple. Gschwandter has written a bad book.

The narration contained multiple incidences of ableism and fatphobia, and unsurprisingly these went unchallenged and uncondemned.

If I had known that this book was going to push Christianity as being the last bastion of goodness in an otherwise awful world, that would have been enough for me to not pick this book up. This isn’t something that I’m interested in reading about at all, and nothing about this book’s marketing mentioned that this was the approach that it would be taking. There are also several references to the crusades, specifically framing them as a good as positive thing for the church to have done. There’s also no mention of how other religions were treated during and after society’s collapse. All that anyone cares about is Christianity.

I’m a firm believer that, when writing, you should google the names you’re planning on using in your book at least once, even if that name is for a minor character who isn’t going to be on more than one page. Do me a favour and google the name ‘Osana’. What’s the main association with that name? Is it something that a sensible author should want their book to remind the reader of, even for a moment? I could give Gschwandter the benefit of the doubt and assume that she got the name off of a baby name website and just didn’t check it, or I can assume that it’s a deliberate reference to yet another fictional mess. Come to think of it, it would be fitting if the link was intentional. This character is only mentioned once, and doesn’t appear on page, but seeing the name ‘Osana’ on the page gave me such a visceral reaction that I had to step away from the book for a bit.

When I saw that Gschwandter had included questions for book clubs at the end of the book, and on her website, I couldn’t help but laugh. No self respecting book club would discuss this book using those questions. If they discussed it at all, it would be about how terrible it is. A Place Called Zamora is a masterclass on how to get absolutely everything wrong. If I’d written anything that was even a fraction as bad or harmful as this book, quite frankly I’d be embarrassed, and it would never see the light of day.

I requested this because I share my name with one of the protagonists. More fool me I guess. Obviously, I don’t recommend this to anyone.

I received an e-arc through Netgalley in return for an honest review. Any quotes may differ in the published version.

[secretsofslytherin]

Cursed Child rant

Alright, Witches, Wizards, Muggles, and magical creatures big and small, hold onto your broomsticks because I’m about to tell you why I do not like Harry Potter and the Cursed Child nor accept it as canon. 

Spoilers ahead. Obviously. but c’mon who hasn’t read it or been spoiled by now Also, it got super long. 

Let’s start off by saying: it’s been months since I read it. If I get some things off a little, go ahead and tell me; I’ll edit the rant and correct it. If you just don’t agree with me... that’s great for you. Okay? We good? That’s all the disclaimer you’re getting. Moving on! 

Where do I begin? Um... Let’s recap shall we? 

It starts with Albus Severus Potter (who’s name I still cannot get over) meeting and becoming friends with Scorpius Malfoy. 

Okay. Great. We’ve all wanted that for years. No problem. 

We’ve also played with the idea of Albus in Slytherin for years. I have no problem with that either. 

What I do have problems with is the way Albus is treated after he is put in Slytherin. He’s the outcast of his family. He’s the “disappointing son”. After Harry’s canon “the bravest man I knew was Slytherin” speech (don’t get me started on Snape), I expected a bit better treatment of Slytherins. But Albus is Slytherin and looked at sideways by the entire cast, except Scorpius. This could easily become a rant about Slytherin’s and stereotypes and treatment, but I give enough of those already. 

My issues are mostly with Albus’ personality. Now, I didn’t write the character. He’s not mine. I don’t have the authority to tell anyone how he should be. All I can do is have headcanons. But “canon” Albus doesn’t exactly display a lot of Slytherin traits. Sure he sneaks around, but so does Harry, Ron, and Hermione and they’re all Gryffindor. If my memory serves me correctly, Albus goes to Slytherin because he basically thinks, “Well, the Gryffindors I know suck, let’s try Slytherin.”it’s been a while since I read it okay  

Albus is jaded by the time the plot picks up. He doesn’t like flying, isn’t that good at it or Quidditch (which honestly feels like they’re just trying to make him as unlike Harry as possible which I could handle if it wasn’t so badly written), and is basically convinced his life is horrible. (I’ll get into why a little later.) This kid shows no Slytherin traits that I remember. He hardly shows any traits really. I think it was the play format, but Albus becomes a stereotypical teenager who has daddy issues and doesn’t like his life. 

Scorpius I don’t really have a big problem with, besides it going against my personal headcanons. He at least shows a bit more Slytherin traits than jaded Albus. I feel like they were trying to break Slytherin stereotypes with him- which is great and all, but it almost makes me feel like that’s all Scorpius’ personality was. As if he was made to simply disrupt our preconceived ideas of what Slytherin is. I don’t like it. Stereotypes are something I can’t stand, but come on, people, don’t strip my house of what we actually are. 

Okay, moving on from Slytherin. 

Let’s take a step back from the new characters and visit the one’s we already know, we already love. Oh wait, they’ve been ripped to shreds. 

Hermione is Minister of Magic. Okay. First of all, we all knew she could have gotten that in canon if she’d wanted it. Except... She didn’t want it. The Hermione I remember didn’t like the Ministry. At all. Their treatment of creatures, muggleborns, and how easily they were corrupted all turned her away from it. I suppose there could have been a “I’m going to get in charge in order to fix everything” development. But really... It’s a stretch for me. But my biggest problem is the fact that she’s not the clever girl I remember. The Hermione I remember, the girl who scarred a girl’s face permanently for being a snitch, wouldn’t have been so easily robbed by two teenage boys. You’re saying she hid the most important item in the Ministry at the time in a bookshelf in her office? No. Sorry, but no. I don’t care if it was charmed. Also, with all her experience with Polyjuice Potion, you’d think she would have been able to tell that her husband and best friend weren’t acting like themselves. She’s not the girl I remember. I want my Hermione back.

I think somewhere in the writing process of the book someone got Ron and George mixed up. Seriously. I know that JK said that after a few years of being an Auror, Ron goes to help George in the shop, but c’mon. He’s not one of the twins. Ron, “let her go, take me” Ron, “are you a witch or not?!” Ron, ‘goes into a forest after a trail of spiders that he’s terrified of’ Ron, honestly a brave and amazing friend Ron, was reduced to a bland comic relief with bad pranks. Ronald Weasley was not in that book. I don’t know who was, but it wasn’t Ron. Hermione is a insane stretch, but Ron... Ron is unexplainable. There is nothing that could have happened to warp Ron’s character that severely. Nothing. 

Now, onto Harry. 

Oh, Salazar, Harry “I wish you weren’t my son” Potter. What the hell. What the actual hell? 

This boy was abused as a child. This boy lost not only his father, but his godfather, his mentor- literally every father figure in his life. Now, some would say “oh, then he had no example, he didn’t know better” and I call bull---- on that. No. No no no. It does not take an example to know that you don’t tell your son “I wish you weren’t my son.” Harry is a washed out, lackluster echo of who he was. After years of being ignored or not listened to by adults, you’d think he’d try to listen to his own son more. After social isolation and depending on his friends for his life at times, you expect me to believe that Harry would ever forbid his son from seeing his only friend? You expect me to believe after almost dying in school every year and dealing with bullies and house prejudices, that Harry would insist that Hogwarts is heaven on earth while his son is trying to tell him otherwise? That he would become this bitter employee? 

No. 

Again, there is nothing you can tell me that will convince me that this complex character whom I love became this bland person. Nope. 

But but but, you say, it was written as a play, not a novel. The writing is different. 

Okay. But, play or novel, we know these characters. Look me in the eye and tell me you can completely understand what could have made their personalities to change so drastically. Because, for me, the answer is nothing. Nothing could have done this. It’s just bad writing. 

That’s just the characters. 

Can we talk about all the other utterly ridiculous dung that was in this play? 

First off, the rumor about Scorpius. The “he’s Voldemort’s kid because time-turners” thing. What the hell? Where the hell does something like that come from? Even Rita Skeeter wouldn’t do that. It’s absurd and doesn’t even fit in the wizarding world we know. Why did Draco allow that even to manifest? How would that even start? I’ll tell you how- to give a terrible attempt at foreshadowing. Not only does it give the twist away if you stop and think about it, but it also goes against canon. Never are time-turners mentioned besides books three and five and they’re talked about with reverence. Rumors like that wouldn’t be allowed around the Malfoys. Draco, canon Draco, wouldn’t allow it. The whole thing annoys the crap out of me. 

The Trolly Lady thing. Hogwarts has been around how long? The lady has been there how long? After seven books of Harry just seeing an innocent lady- after so hundreds of years of the Hogwarts Express- you’re telling me that this lady has been an insane magic security guard for that long? On top of that, you’re telling me that no one before Albus and Scorpius have ever gotten off the train? Albus and Scorpius aren’t even that skilled! They’re normal kids! Come on!!! I just don’t buy it. Any of it. It’s ridiculous. 

Also: They made Theodore Nott a Death Eater and I have not forgiven them for doing that to my favorite Slytherin. 

Okay, before I continue, I should make this clear: If you write fanfiction, there is literally no wrong way to do it. There are no rules, and no one can tell you how to do it, what to do in it, or anything like that. I write fanfiction. I write OC fanfiction. I’ve written time travel fanfiction. If you want to do it. Do it. 

Now... 

Let’s talk about this. Some of the most popular fanfiction plots involve OCs, secret kids/siblings, time-travel, alternate realities, ignoring deaths that occur; if you read or write fanfiction, you know what I’m talking about. 

All of that is great. Honestly, some of the best stories I’ve read involve one or more of those things listed. 

Cursed Child includes all of them. 

There’s a reason we like fanfiction. It expands the world we love. It adds characters. It explores characterizations. It’s a place we can change things we want in canon. Where there is nothing stopping us from making Bellatrix and Voldemort have a kid. 

But this was not supposed to be fanfiction. This was supposed to line up with canon. It wasn’t supposed to contradict it. It wasn’t supposed to leave us with asking what the hell was that? 

Delphi. Voldemort’s daughter. I’m sorry, but first of all. Voldemort was practically soulless and bent on murder, immortality, and concurring the Wizarding World. I can’t really imagine him even wanting to get all steamy with Bellatrix. Also, it may not be worth much, but Bellatrix was married. Slytherins are traditional, remember? Also that means she would have to be pregnant durning Deathly Hallows. You know, the book where she tortures Hermione and fights in a war, not to mention dies. I don’t know about you, but I don’t see Bellatrix as the kind to really take care of a child. The timing doesn’t match. The actual act doesn’t make any sense at all. AND they gave us another prophecy? Who gave it? Why did no one know about Dephi? I mean come on! I just... I’ve read fanfictions with better explanations. 

Also, Voldemort having a kid is fun in fanfics. I’ve read a few I really enjoy. But in canon? No. No. NO. It doesn’t fit. It ruins so many things. His character, the timeline, the actual ending of Deathly Hallows. 

But besides all that- it wasn’t even delivered well. It was obvious Delphi was the villain. It wasn’t a shock that she was Voldemort’s kid after the whole rumor thing with Scorpius. As I said- I’ve read fanfics written better. 

Now, let’s move to Cedric Diggory. 

Why. Why would they strip all meaning from his death by trying to reverse it? Why did it even have to be that specific point in time? None of it made sense and all it did was make me mad because Cedric was one of those characters that you hated to see die, but you understood their death. It had meaning- however horrible. 

Also, you expect me to believe that this boy- this selfless, honest, just, determined, hard working Hufflepuff would become a Death Eater? I’m sorry. But no. Nope. No. 

Then we have Time Turners again. Ugh. This book goes against the rules set in Book Three. They don’t even really make sense anymore and it’s a lazy plot for canon. It’s badly written and not handled properly. 

Actually, that’s a summary of the entire book. 

It’s a lazy plot, badly written, and not handled properly at all. It contradicts canon; it warps the characters; it’s terrible. 

I don’t like Cursed Child and do not accept it as canon as it was not written solely by J. K. Rowling. 

[le-sejour]

Folly

Words: 1383

Pairing: some very slight Thomas Jefferson x Reader

World: Modern/College AU

Warning: cursing, mentions of furry porn, seductive turtle, Theatre Kid! Alexander, vague to no plotline: just actual stupidity w some romance if you squint

Prompt: Inspired by real chats and true events. One of my greatest friends seriously makes me think of a modern day Alexander Hamilton... Also, he’s a gold mine of hilarious fuck ups and I’m glad I’m there to witness it.

A/N: sweats I’M WORKING ON THE ORGY FIC, ASSUMPTIONS PT2 aND UNDER ARREST I SWEAR I JUST NEEDED TO GET THIS OUT OF MY SYSTEM and also to let u know i’m still alive LMAO

Enjoy~

MacNCheezy: Hey, doll

You: Yes, T?

MacNCheezy: You wanna make $10?

You: I’m not selling drugs for you, Thomas.

MacNCheezy is typing…

Pulling your [h/l] [h/c] hair into a low ponytail, you laughed as the chat window informed you that Thomas was writing and rewriting his response. It was amusing to see him flustered, even if you couldn’t actually see him. The thought of his indignant huffing and puffing was enough to brighten the already shitty day you’ve just had.

Thomas stared into his phone with disbelief. Here he was, genuinely trying to help a friend out (he’ll end up benefiting from this anyway, but, shh) and you were being impudent! The nerve of some people, honestly.

You: Oh, you would know a lot about the drug market, wouldn’t you, sweetheart?

He considers on sending the message then and there, but knew you would jump at the opportunity to Fight™ so he quickly types in his initial intentions.

But your connection to sketchy trades is not why I’m here. I have a commission for you.

ItsKittenBitch: Oh? Yknow I’d rather fuck a cactus than get into bed w you, baby boo.❤️ 

ItsKittenBitch: Besides, $10 is cheap, even for a corner street hooker. 

ItsKittenBitch: Up your game, Teej, and I’ll maybe consider holding ur hand. 😘

The mocaccino incarnate drags his hand over his face in irritation. Why was he asking you again? Oh, right, you were actually more tolerable than the squad you liked to hang around. And also Jemmy was still too sick to help him out.

You: Will you be serious for once, [F/Name]? I’m in a tight spot.

You rolled your eyes as your fluffy haired friend described the situation to you. He lamented over how he had to take care of James while he was swamped with papers for his major and his part-time gig at a local online publication.  

You: So you’re basically asking me to be a ghostwriter for a ghostwriter? 👀 👀

MacNCheezy: Yes, [F/Name], that’s exactly what I’m asking you to do.

You: What do I get out of it?

MacNCheezy is typing...

You: I’m kidding, Thomas. Don’t get your hair curlers in a notch. 

You: I know I get $10 for 500 words. I’ll do it. 

You:  But I’m also expecting ice cream and mac and cheese for this.

MacNCheezy: If you wanted a date that badly, you should’ve just asked, sugar. 😏

You: e w, can you not with the emojis, old man? 😩 You trying to be cool is just... sad. 😔

MacNCheezy: Just give the article to me in 3 or so hours, or you’re not getting ice cream. 

MacNCheezy: I hear the parlor down the street is having two-scoop Tuesday and it would be a terrible shame for us to miss it.

You: I can get ice cream on my own, ya kno

MacNCheezy: I know for a fact you like being treated to free ice cream because you’re broke, [F/Name].

You: di s gu st i ng. You exploit my weakness for free food.

MacNCheezy: See you in 3 or so hours, sweetheart. 😀 😃 😄 😁 😆 😅 😂 ☺️ 😊 😇 🙂 🙃 😉 😌 😍 😘 😗 😙 😚 😋 😜 😝 😛🤑 🤗  😎 🤡 🤠 😏 

You: s T O p 😫😤

It’s been two hours since you’ve been click-clacking away on your laptop, and after agreeing with yourself that you’ve written a decent first draft, you decided to take a break. Drawing one knee up to your chest, you pulled up your web browser and logged onto your Facebook.

Alenhamner Cameltoe: yo [N/Name]!

You: sup non stop kids bop

Alenhamner Cameltoe: I just thought of something

You: wooooah there slow down don’t hurt urself Alex

Alenhamner Cameltoe: Blatantly ignoring that comment fueled by self-hate

I realized why they changed the plot of Anastasia for the stage play.

You: Uh... they did?

Alenhamner Cameltoe: They did.

Rasputin isn't the villain. It's Ramin Karimloo as a violent Bolchevik.

You: huh. Why’d they do that?

Alenhamner Cameltoe: Because...

In the animation, and this was okay for the 90s, right?

Rasputin hates the Tzar over a power struggle so he casts some magic to make the people unhappy and revolt so they kill the Romanovs.

Basically the entire Russian Revolution is because a wizard got mad.

Not because of oppression. Not because of Imperialism..

But because a wizard got mad.

You stared at the screen in slight amusement. Looks like Alex was in his rant days. (You also suspected he was hopped up on several cups of coffee, but you’d let John worry about that.) You shook your head and clicked back to your word document to begin proofreading your piece. You’ll just let him continue to flood your inbox and read over it when he’s done.

After a few minutes of complete silence sans the clacking of your keyboard, you finally realized Alexander had finished telling his story. You read over your piece to make sure it was to your satisfaction before maneuvering back to Facebook.

Alenhamner Cameltoe: So it paints the Romanovs as the heroic victims of this story.

Nowhere does it mention why they were killed and what atrocities were comitted by the aristocracy on the Russian working class.

The plot actually won't hold up today.

Today's audiences wouldn't actually approve of a story like that.

... also you get awesome historical reference lyrics like this.

LINK

The original animation, if released today would be criticized for historical revisionism.

The link opened to another site. You didn’t bother checking the url because it was probably a lyric site or youtube, so you casually scrolled through your newsfeed while it loaded.

A couple of cat videos and a bunch of overused memes later, you found yourself switching to the fully loaded tab.

Boy, you wish you hadn’t because what the fuck.

On your screen sat an anthropomorphic t u r t l e in a very suggestive pose giving you very real, very unnerving bedroom eyes. Chills ran up and down your spine as you checked the url, horrified at learning it was a fucking furry site. 

What the fuck, Alexander.

Hastily, you clicked out of that website before going back to your chatbox. You rechecked the site he gave you, wondering if you somehow misclicked. But no, there the link was, bright as day. To a fucking porn site for furries.

You: WhaT thE fU c K, Ha  mi lt o n

Alenhamner Cameltoe: I KNOW RIGHT?! 

The play might be even better than the animation! 

Wait, what am I talking about? Of course the play is already better by comparison because it plays to a more historically accurate context.

You stared at the screen in confusion. Wait, so... he wasn’t pranking you...? Then that meant...

You: yo if yall wanna be furries das fine w me

Alenhamner Cameltoe: Huh?

You: but keep your porn away from me

Alenhamner Cameltoe: ???

!!!!!!!!!

WAIT NO

THAT’S FURRY PORN

REAL LINK

THIS IS ANASTASIA

You: yo I won’t judge ur weird sexual fetishes, boi. Just make sure it’s safe, sane, and consensual.

Alenhamner Cameltoe: NO!!!

NO THAT’S NOT MINE!

THAT’S A PRANK I PLAYED ON JOHN

GOD DAMN IT I RUINED MY HISTORICAL REVISIONISM RANT

You: L M A O

Greatest fails

Alenhamner Cameltoe: I was trying to gross him out for leaving his goddamned turtles out of the cage again.

You: congrats. you only played yourself. 😂 

Anyway I gotta go furry boi, Thomas owes me ice cream and mac and cheez

Alenhamner Cameltoe: I’M NOT A FURRY

THAT WAS FOR JOHN!

FOR JO H N !

Cackling madly, you logged off of Facebook. You pulled up your email account and forwarded your finished article to Thomas. Eh, you didn’t bother to proofread it a last time because you knew Thomas would be anal enough to go through it and edit it himself.

ItsKittenBitch: It is I, your savior, telling you that I have sent the feature to your email and demand compensation.

ItsKittenBitch: Now get off your ass and get ready for our date before I change my mind, old man. JemBuns will understand.

Thomas’ triumphant smirk melted into a fond smile as he pocketed his phone, handing James a fresh box of kleenex before getting ready.

[christinaengela]

Criticism. As writers, sooner or later we’re likely to encounter it. How we deal with it – either internally or externally – depends greatly on our personality, and also I suppose, on what sort of place we’re in at any particular moment.

Here are some of my thoughts on the subject.

So someone posted a nasty remark on one of your social media book shares, or left a shitty 1 star review and a harshly-worded comment for you on Amazon. You stare at it, re-read it a second time just to try and absorb any sense or usefulness in the words as you fight a rising tide of red anger surging up from your chest area.

Why did they do that? Was the book really all that bad? Was there really something wrong with your writing? How could they be so mean – don’t they realize I pored my heart and soul into this? Is what they said in any way helpful or – no matter how remote – possibly true?

There is a huge difference between someone being helpful (or trying to be) to a writer. “Perhaps you should’ve made the story longer? It was great – just too short!” or “You misspelled ‘bureaucracy’ on page 11!” are examples of positive criticism. My mom always used to praise my writing talent, but frequently criticized my choice in genre – she didn’t enjoy sci-fi – she suggested I write in more contemporary, mundane settings… in genres like suspense, drama, action and adventure! I used to counter with “but I can do that in sci-fi too!”

That sort of criticism is helpful, positive and constructive in nature – and they can be discerned on the basis of their intentions to help the writer to grow or improve their writing, not to break them down for it, or even to cause them to stop writing altogether.

There are numerous and even perhaps unfathomable reasons for people to criticize a writer or their writing in writing – by leaving nasty remarks, bad reviews and even by sending them hate-mail – and on the unhelpful side, they include everything from simple jealousy to disagreement with the writer or their statements, and even disapproval of their subject and the way they address or present it often form part of the motivation for it.

In the following example, a reader downloaded a FREE eBook of mine – a short story called “Death By Vampire”. They left a poor review and a rant on Barnes & Noble.

“This book was only 19 pgs. Had potential. ***spoiler seemed to have a lot of unnecessary information. Also the description of the blood diamonds didn’t make any sense, they are named for their color but the color is green? Needs some editing.” 2 stars – Anonymous

I know this person didn’t actually READ the story, because inside it there was a whole paragraph that EXPLAINED how the aliens called the green stones ‘blood diamonds’ because they had GREEN blood – but it “needs some editing” because he didn’t understand it? All this guy did was expose his illiteracy!

As to length, it was a free short story, but he obviously missed that part too.  Yet that story now has a 2-star review and a snotty comment from someone who obviously has problems with comprehension – and a narcissistic mean streak.

What can I take home from this? Not much – just that some people are basically mean-spirited and will make me the scapegoat for their own failures… but then, being part of an oft-persecuted social grouping blamed for everything from stock-market crashes to natural disasters, that’s nothing new to me. Should I take it personally? I’d like to think not – after all, what real value does unfair criticism really have?

In a technical sense, is there anything I can change or improve on the item involved? Were the words or sentences not clear enough? Were they confusing? Was a thorough spelling and grammar check done during the editing process? I honestly can’t see how I can make the story – or the facts of the story – any clearer without resorting to formatting the eBook using neon lettering, or replacing them with pictures to cater for the illiterate ‘reader’.

Moving on, negative reviews left at book sellers can and do damage a writer’s reputation – and in the long-run, their income. Reviews and ratings affect sales and distribution after all, mainly because readers will be more inclined to look at a book that has a bunch of 4 and 5 star ratings rather than a book that has one or many 1 or 2 stars. Let’s look at an example:

A few years ago I witnessed a writer falling under attack from his former small press, their writers – and everyone else they could rally to their cause. Lies and slander were spread broadly, and I personally witnessed calls being made for their cohort of cronies to ostracize him from the writing community and to even leave negative 1-star reviews on all his books! Other tactics and dirty tricks were employed against this poor undeserving writer, but this one is pertinent to my example. Suffice to say, that writer suffered a breakdown, has disappeared from social media – and hasn’t publishing anything since 2016. In that case it’s safe to say the bullies and haters won.

Any hostile criticism of our work as writers tends to have the potential to cause a writer to doubt themselves. Often that can also be one of the reasons why people leave nasty remarks – the writer or their work has (for whatever reason) offended them – and their intention might be to hurt them out of some feeling of vengeance or satisfaction. Some people, like the unfortunate author in my example are less resilient in the face of such attacks – while others, like me – well, I just don’t care for what the nasties say – anyway, I have more than enough fan-mail and great reviews to compensate. As far as I’m concerned, it’s water off a ducks back – and I’m a very oily duck.

Naturally, there are some things that spring to mind for every writer when faced with stinging and even personal criticism: are they right about me? Are they right about my work? After all, your writing might be utter crap laced with spelling and grammatical errors – and the story might make no sense, have plot holes big enough to drive a bus through, and your characterizations might be almost non-existent – right?

Are these critics giving you advice on how to improve your work? Is there anything of value in their ‘feedback’ you can learn from and use to produce a better story?

If the answer is no, and you’ve reason to believe they’re just being vindictive – such as making personal attacks and indulging in name-calling without giving any serious or pertinent pointers on how to improve your work, then their criticism is actually weaponized hatred intended to break you down! Let’s be honest – when someone criticizes your hard work, your ‘baby’, your pride and joy – it hurts a bit! Part of the answer – not the sum total of it – is of course to grow a thick skin.

In my particular case, I write in the science fiction and horror genres – as well as in non-fiction from time to time. While a lot of my fiction writing contains the usual sci-fi or horror elements, some of it also focuses on LGBT issues and presents these in a sympathetic and favorable light – which naturally draws ire and derogatory remarks from the prejudiced and bigoted who seemingly can’t resist leaving snotty comments on social media ads or shares of my work.

It’s not that my work is badly written or poorly presented – it’s that they despise the people I use as heroes and heroines in my stories and dare to explain and promote them in the face of their ignorance and hatred. I defy the established anti-LGBT stereotypes – and I flaunt it. It’s also that, once they do a little background check, they realize that I’m also part of that same group they’ve been programmed to despise! Add to that, once they confront me and I not only stand up to them, but also trounce them in a debate, that really makes them foam at the mouth!

How dare I? How dare I stand in the open, unashamedly writing about people they hate in a good positive way? How dare I not feel any guilt? How dare I even exist?

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In the below example, I held a free e-book giveaway contest in my Facebook author group in August 2016. I gave away a few books to contest winners. Soon after, the South African right wing ‘Christian’ (aka Levitican) community on Facebook went nuts about me promoting ‘demonic writings’, ‘homosexuality, sodomy and demon worship’! It was truly surreal!

The vast majority of the hate-mail I’ve gathered over the years – and remember the ones I’m showing you in this article are just since the advent of Facebook, from about 2016 or so – have been directed at me for sharing my books or writing or website!

Many of these people express negative ideas and emotions towards me because I’m transgender, a lesbian, an atheist – and because I’ve steadfastly refused to remain silent in the face of the overwhelming wave of hatred looming for numerous diverse minority groups in the world today. This provides one reason – albeit a big one – why most of my hostile critics and haters are what they are, or at least explains why they’re hostile toward me and to my writing.

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My advice when receiving this sort of hate-mail or harsh personal criticism is “take it from whom it comes” – which means, consider who the person is that’s criticizing you or your work, and what their real reasons are for doing so – and give it a value or rating. Is their opinion worth your time? Are they trying to be helpful – or are they simply being hurtful? Should you even take what they say seriously? Should you care? Most of the time I laugh at the voluntary idiocy, poor grammar and spelling in the hate-mail sent my way, and casually toss it in the pile.

I have a use for haters and hate-mail you see, and they’re too obtuse to even realize it.

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By far most of my critics and haters are religious extremist fanatics who engage in lunatic fringe politics and vent homophobic, transphobic and often racist language because they see me as more than just an enemy of their personal beliefs – but the personification thereof.

99% of the time, the people sending me hate-mail or criticizing me as a writer are attacking ME directly as an individual, not the worth or quality of my writing. I’ve also had the occasional odd-ball attack me using the fact that I’m self-published as though it means I’m somehow ‘illegitimate’ and not a ‘real author’, when all this does is reveal their ignorance about the publishing industry.

Here’s a clue, peeps – if self-publishing was in any way dishonest or dishonorable, I would have nothing to do with it. If was in any way, shape or form embarrassed or ashamed of self-publishing my work – or under the impression that it was in any way inferior to books by the big dogs, I wouldn’t be openly marketing myself or my writing as self-published!

It’s worth mentioning that within that same group of people who’ve sent me outright hate-mail, I’ve yet to encounter a single one who’s actually READ any of my books – they’re people who simply seized an opportunity to vent their hatred for me as a person because at that moment I represented the thing they hate.

In that light, this means that while my writing is good, even excellent, it is in their view ‘rubbish’ because what I write (or what I write about) contradicts their indoctrinated belief structure. To the folks who almost invariably misapply basic English words like “they’re/their/there” and “your/you’re”, I’m a ‘libral dirtbag’, a ‘libtard’, a ‘Christophobe’, a ‘commie queer’ and an ‘atheist fascist’ – and somehow inferior to them, not just because I’m part of the LGBT social group – but because I’m not afraid, acquiescent, silent or invisible.

I remind myself that these same characters tend to treat anyone more intelligent or in any way qualified, capable or talented than themselves – like scientists, doctors, artists – writers – and a variety of qualified professionals the exact same dismissive way – and I see them for what they are.

Over the last few decades of internet use, I’ve accumulated an archive of hateful remarks of all kinds, from people determined to convince me of the validity and value of their ignorance, to those who resort to childish mockery and blatant name-calling. (You can view it here if you like.)

I’ve always lived by the motto “if you piss off the right people, you’re doing something right”!

One fella wearing the crazy-pants ranted about how my children’s book on bullying, “Other Kids Are Kids Almost Just Like You” – aimed to teach children compassion for others – would ‘turn kids gay’ and that it was child abuse and I ought to be arrested!

So how do I handle hate-mail? Easy. I shrug it off, have a few good laughs – then save it, take screenshots of it – and use it as promotional material! In fact, I actually look forward to getting hate-mail these days!

After all, so many haters can’t be wrong, can they? 😉

I hope you’ve found this useful!

Take care and have a lovely day!

If you would like to know more about Christina Engela and her writing, please feel free to browse her website.

If you’d like to send Christina Engela a question about her life as a writer or transactivist, please send an email to christinaengela@gmail.com or use the Contact form.

Show your appreciation for Christina’s work!

All material copyright © Christina Engela, 2020.

How I Handle Hate-mail & Criticism As A Writer Criticism. As writers, sooner or later we're likely to encounter it. How we deal with it - either internally or externally - depends greatly on our personality, and also I suppose, on what sort of place we're in at any particular moment.

[whyareyouyellingatme]

A post I deleted in the end

Here's one of the most personal/long things I've ever posted, and if you hate me you'll probably have a field day laughing at this one. I don't know how long it'll take before I maybe...delete it. I don't want anyone to respond with likes or comments. If you have something to say you can pm me, but I don't enjoy talking about it outside of one ong rant. I rant like this so I can jot it all down for records / evidence I'm not irrational, and then move on.

Here's the TL;DR: Rick Ranquist - 40+ years old, lives in Utah possibly Michael Aigner - mid 20's, probably lives in Bellingham by the pool Cooper Texeira - My age, lives in Seattle and goes to my school

All these men are white sexual offenders that did not get a punishment for their crimes.

When I was seven my 20+ year old babysitter did stuff with me that I did not understand, and I don't properly remember a lot of it. I thought it was a game, but it was actually doing sexual favors for a pedophile. I read a line in "The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe" about a man trying so hard to forget something unpleasant that he eventually succeeds in forgetting it. I tried to do that with the memory, and it sort of worked until I heard his name, Ricky. My brother said, "Remember when Ricky----" and that's all I heard before I started dissociating and everything was like someone was smothering me with a pillow.

His sister called me a liar when I said "your brother does weird stuff with me and plays games I don't understand". I decided if she didn't believe me, nobody would, because she was my neighbor and my friend. She still doesn't know today I was telling the truth.

I got raped when I was 19 by a 23 year old that had been grooming me since I was 16. I tried reporting it to the police and they laughed at me, nearly hanging up on me. I went to the ER, got a cervical exam while a doctor ogled my vagina with awe (because my relatively young genitals excited him, how professional). The taxi driver saw me crying and said "you put him on a list! Get him on a list!" and nope, he didn't get put on any kind of list. That fucked me up for a long time. I was numb for a long time. I just watched non stop television and didn't think. I can remember the exact outfit I put in a brown paper evidence bag, and I can remember the exact outfit I wore for days afterwards. I really changed as a person after that. Being isolated from all your friends and spending 3 years dedicating all your time to a shitty abusive man that made you think everything was your fault. Not fun.

Weirdly enough, a man who's in my family pushed me not to report the rape or try pushing for anything else from the police, because he thought it would traumatize me further. I gave up. I didn't want to see Michael, he made me sick. I was partially relieved I got out of the cycle of abuse, but I held on to a rage for a while . I still feel it if I think too much about it. I get really angry but it helps nothing because what can I do ? I'd imagine scenarios where I got to kill him as revenge.

It looked really cute on the surface! It looked like I was having a good time. But I was having panic attacks every week trying to make him happy, despite the beatings, despite the yelling (bc that's normal in my household so I thought it was normal in relationships) until the day that he went way too far.

I really thought it was my fault and that I deserved it for being stupid or not good enough. I was too focused on a very heavy school schedule and an eating disorder/self harm problem to realize I could do better for myself. Of course all of his friends saw me as a "crazy bitch" as he was beating me, real nice. His family was really racist and he broadcasted all of our arguments to them. His sister threatened to hit me with a wrench, not knowing/caring that her brother was already beating me. All of them just kind of watched whenever I broke down crying in front of them. His dad said "women get like this", I'm not...a woman. Not for someone like you dude.

Michael showed up at my house a couple days after it happened too. He stalked me for a while. I still get freaked out being alone sometimes. I have a knife collection and pepper spray, and even guns, but none of them make me feel as safe as a genuine friend does. I'm easily startled and for a while I had really horrible nightmares and panic attacks in public. It got a little better with time, but I still have really bad days. It's still difficult going anywhere near medical centers or dealing with cervical exams.

(I tried speaking with a nurse about the possibility that I have PTSD from that event, and she brushed me off with a "Women used to get raped all the time and they would have to just deal with it. You should lose some weight." Which started up my eating disorder again...horribly enough, people have been so cruel to me but I still care so much what they think.)

I tried faking confidence and happiness in college. I don't have a supportive healthy family, I just have me and whoever decides to be my friend. I made a friend group and went to parties with them. That was fun until a person I trusted grabbed at me when I was incredibly drunk. He led me to his room where I passed out. I wasn't sober enough to understand what was going on or even walk properly, and he texted people things from my phone saying that I was okay. It was all just kind of stupid honestly.

I woke up the next day in my room, on the floor, feeling kind of gross and even more gross as I try to figure out what happened the night before. He shows up at my work wanting me to serve him ice cream. I go in to report him because he did end up grabbing me without consent.

I lost my friend group. And after describing him grabbing my chest and ass in a disgusting amount of detail to a man that said "I remember being a young man and partying in college" with a cheerful nostalgia, I lost the case too. He didn't get anything. At this point I was kind of used to being treated like a piece of meat, so I was just mad he didn't learn anything. In fact, he has been checking up on me online to find dirt on me and report ME to the school for talking shit. His girlfriend has been doing the same, angry because she thinks he was trying to cheat with me. Cheating is consensual.

People just don't learn sometimes. I'm not a thing. I'm an nb lesbian though, and the guy that tried stuff with me when I was drunk knew that. He thought he could convert me.

I've been going through all of this without therapy, trying to just go to school. I tried telling a counselor about my situation and he said "those are long term problems that the university cannot handle".

Maybe I seem quiet and aloof, maybe I'm annoying to you, maybe you think I'm a liar or something stupid like that. But god damn it, I am a human being. I've been through some gross shit. I'm tired of people touching me and trying to invade my space. I'm tired of creepy ass college professors comparing me to their girlfriends and saying shit like "things aren't going so well with her". It's never a compliment you're just fuckin weird dude.

I'm super disconnected from reality even now (sometimes) because I don't like thinking about any of this. I stayed silent about it for quite a while because of all the people who probably wouldn't believe me. But uhhhh fuck you guys I know who I am.

This is a really personal story, especially very personal to be posting on facebook. It makes me feel super vulnerable, but not as much as having the memories bouncing around in my head nonstop makes me feel. I have a girlfriend now and I'm living in a pretty safe place at the moment. There's a lot of other shit happening in my life, my PTSD dog (one of my only sources of comfort in a bad time) got hit by a car and died. :( You all probs know about that, I just miss her when I think about the past. So I've just been trying to figure out how to help myself, you know?

This post got really fucking long and I don't feel like editing it. If you ever think I'm quiet, it's because I'm tired of explaining myself. I want to be my usual joke-y self but sometimes that feel really fake. I don't like thinking about all of this, but I think someone should know.

I wanted to write this post when I was sure I could finish it without crying. It has been a while since something super bad has happened to me, and that distance between the event and reality really helps muffle the emotional response.

Cheers to the survivors that aren't "good" survivors that react a specific way. Cheers to those of you that aren't comfortable sharing your story because it's really not anybody's business unless you want to say something.

I don't know, I still try and have fun, pretending nothing happened. I hate this crap. I hate the emotional baggage. Wish I could chuck it, but my brain has a different plan.

Like, all of this shit happened on TOP of me living in an extremely abusive home so you can imagine I tried to kill myself.

I'm a human being. Stop treating me like shit. I'm tired of it. I'm also not as mean as I look, I don't bite. I'm here for you as a friend if you need it. I just couldn't sleep tonight because of all this crap.

Please don't react to this I'm just babbling. I don't want to deal with people that have no empathy for my long ass story just because it's long / badly written. I'm just tired. I'm soooooo fucking tired.

Edit: I'm trying to reread this just once, but I can't even do it. Like not because it's hard, I literally just look at the words and they mean nothing. My brain basically put up a firewall against upsetting shit so I lose touch with reality whenever I get near it for too long. It's hard describing dissociation but if you would like to know more u should google it. A weird time. Anyway gn I'm alright I just needed to fucking let it out.

[toastweaselreads]

Rainbow Rowell’s “Fangirl”

Rating: 2.5/5 LGBTQA+? No Genre(s): YA, slice of life, romance-ish Enoby Approved: Meh. Read This Book If You Like: slice of life, realistic depictions of social anxiety, well-crafted characters Don’t Read This Book If You Can’t Handle: practically nonexistent plot, slow pacing, more loose threads than a cat’s favorite afghan

I really, really wanted to like this book. So badly. It came highly recommended to me by several friends, including my sister, who gave it rave reviews. I was apprehensive about reading this book because, as a fan and a fanfiction writer, I was so worried this was going to be a horrible misrepresentation of fandom. On that issue I was pleasantly surprised—but for the rest of it? ‘Didn’t do it for me’ does not even begin to cover it.

The Good, The Bad, The Meh, and The Cringe are all in my full review, which I have put under a cut. Warning, spoilers!

[Click here to read full review.]

____________________________________________________________

The Good

1) Character development. The character development in this book is phenomenal. All of the characters have their own voice, their own motives and agendas, they are flawed, and they all existed together with varying levels of Grrr. I loved that Rowell even went so far as to understand what people ate for breakfast, and the reactions of the other characters towards that food. I adored it. Also, yay for the ~weird fandom person~ making friends who love and gently tease / accept her fanfic, not shun her for it.

2) Accurate depictions of mental illness. Bipolar Dad, alcoholic sister,  a narrator with social anxiety, and all of it was handled well. Also, family that supports each other through their mental health issues and friends who step in to take care of/help out the people when they are struggling. Love love love that aspect of this novel.

3) Accurate depictions of fandom! This was my biggest worry. Thankfully, Rowell pulled it off pretty flawlessly. As a fanfic writer I have definitely been through everything Cath has been through. I feel you, girl. 

4) I enjoyed the dialogue. It was an extension of Rowell’s good character development. Mostly it was witty, and it made me smile, but sometimes it felt like she was relying too much on the dialogue and not enough on descriptions.

The Meh

1) Cath as a student stressed me the fuck out. The issues of Cath’s finals was sort of just……..dropped over her winter break and we didn’t learn about what was going on until she came back. I totally get taking an “I” when a family emergency comes up. Been there, done that. But at least email your professors! Mentions it somewhere in the text! Sweet Jesus.

Maybe that’s just a character flaw of Cath’s, but as a reader it was SO JARRING and uncomfortable to have the issue just drop off the face of the page for several chapters. Some sort of in text reference, even to Cath’s ignoring/avoiding it, would have been preferable.

2) The fanfic/book inserts didn’t do it for me. I tried to read them, but they were so blatantly HP ripoffs that at some point I just started skipping them. And I lost nothing at all. At first I thought they were going to foreshadow stuff that would happen in the novel—for instance, the one in the beginning about Simon and Baz being roomies but also hinting about their feelings. But nope. Alas.

3) Hetero bullshit. I came into this novel knowing it was going to be about straight love, and I was okay with that. I enjoy a good straight romance when it was well written. That being said....

Why did Nick exist, really? I thought he was going to be a love triangle contender; I was pleasantly surprised that he wasn’t, but in the end if Nick had been edited out of the novel his presence would not have been missed.

Additionally, the whole bit with Levi kissing the girl that wasn’t Cath and that whole bit just was not necessary. At all. It just felt like Levi was leading Cath on and I wasn’t here for it.

Also, why didn’t Cath and Reagan just get it on? They had the whole villains to friends thing going on, and considering that the Simon/Baz thing was running parallel to that, I thought that Cath and Reagan getting together made the most sense. I was pulling for it, actually, despite the straight romance cover. But nope, the only gays that existed were in Cath’s fanfic.

We could have had it all. Alas.

The Bad

1) This book was So. Fucking. Slow. I have a “100 page” rule, which means that if I read 100 pages of a book and it doesn’t grab me, I give up. This book narrowly eeked by—I was at page 80 and wondering how I could go on for 20 more pages. The next time I looked at the pages I was up to 120, so somewhere in there it picked up enough to not feel like I was reading through molasses.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I love slice of life. It’s one of my favorite genres. However, I like my stories paced a little faster than this. 

2) Loose ends. What happened to Cath’s short story for her professor?! What did she end up writing? Did she finish Carry On? I understand some books don’t wrap up some loose ends, and that’s okay, but there were so many loose ends that it just left me feeling very frustrated.

3) Plot? What plot? There was nothing that really kept the story going, at least for the first third. I had to force myself through the first 80 pages, which is not how I want to start a novel. It picked up a bit with the sister/mom/dad issues, and with the Levi drama, etc. I wish there had been some overarching plot to tie the slice-of-life scenes together; the Carry On stuff was…sort of that plot thread, but it was not emphasized and felt unimportant until at least halfway through the book.

4) Pacing. Sort of goes with plot, but also, the sudden time skips were so jarring, especially towards the end. Why? Just why?

The Cringe

1) Blatant Harry Potter Rip Off. I get copyright, I really do. I also understand the need to parallel a pop culture phenomenon in a way that non-fandom readers could understand. But to rip Harry Potter and Drarry fanfic off that hard? C’mon, Rowell. You could have done so much better.

She had that whole rant on plagiarism from Professor Piper, and the she literally ripped lines straight from the HP movies and books and just changed the speaker’s name. I would have loved for her to have created her own Pop Culture Reference that wasn’t a HP ripoff. Then we as fans would have gotten to learn more about that fictional world in a world through Cath’s fanfic, which would have made the fanfic and book excerpts make sense. Also, that would have made the fanfic/book excerpts much more engaging for the readers.

But nah, blatant HP/Drarry ripoff it was.

2) Even I, a known fanfic writer, know better than to turn fanfic into a grade. I cringed so hard. I had to put the book down and take a minute. No member of fandom, or writer for that matter, would ever be that stupid. Jesus.

Sidebar: I would have love to have seen Levi and Cath work together as a cute couple to create a story that Cath could write for her final thing.

TL;DR:

Despite the fact it came to me glowing recommendations, Rainbow Rowell’s Fangirl was just not my thing. It might be someone else’s thing, but not mine. While the characters were good and the accurate depictions of both mental illness and fandom warmed my heart, the pacing, lack of plot, and blatant Harry Potter rip off turned me off of this book completely. The bouquet of loose threads and occasional cringe at hetero drama was just an added awful bonus.

However, these are all just my opinions. I know people who loved Fangirl. So if you think Fangirl might do it for you, give it a go. The worst you can realize is that it isn’t for you.

[swtorramblings]

On Vaylin

I am re-posting this, my rough draft of a post that I wrote to my main blog when I found that my annoyance with certain game events aggravated me so badly I needed a place to publicly vent. I tried to move it here and broke the whole thing, so lost some of the edits and other information (I’m still learning the ropes). I still want to have it up, but I am also not putting in the tags it used to have. I am trying to be more positive, now, though I will have one more negative, but somewhat calmer, post on the subject in the near future, because even after a month and a half it still gets to me.

I am going on a rant about the SWTOR expansion, Knights of the Eternal Throne. I don’t think anyone is likely to see this that, 1. Cares about SWTOR, 2. Cares about my opinion of SWTOR, 3. Doesn’t already know the plot of KOTET. If I’m wrong, note that there are spoilers ahead.

Too long, didn’t read: Vaylin’s fate is for crap, a badly told mess even if the basic plot of “man and woman enter, only man can leave” wasn’t already a problem.

Note: I’m not really looking for debate. I’m just venting. But, if you must, keep it civil. My ire is meant for Bioware and for the people who have approached disagreements on this subject rudely.

Now, my therapy will begin.

I will be up front about my core bias: I have seen enough stories where a man and a woman fulfill similar roles in the story, have similar experiences, and, in this case, commit similar crimes (of type if not of scale), but the man survives and the woman doesn’t. I was never, ever going to like this plotline. Give us the choice to save both, give us the choice of which one can be saved (Bioware loves that), or don’t let us save either. All would be better, though I prefer the first two.

I fully understand that she was written without those little moments of remorse that he was. I do understand what Bioware was going for. It’s not difficult to see, it was unsubtle. It was also hamfisted and obnoxious. So don’t tell me how obvious it was that she was too far gone and like that: I’m well aware. I just don’t find it to be a good story, especially with so much of how it was handled. They chose to make her that way, they did not have to, and even in making that choice they could have done better.

Finally, I recognize this is a game. It is also, however, a story, and how we tell and share stories is important to me, and this one was awful. Bioware tried to tell a tale of tragedy and familial abuse and mental illness and brainwashing, in an action game with a trinary response, and the lack of nuance didn’t do them any favors. If they couldn’t tell the story with care and sensitivity, they shouldn’t have told it at all.

Vaylin irredeemable. Why? Because mummy and brother can’t find any good in her with their Detect Good spell? Please. Because daddy says she is like a wild animal? Please squared. They should get no say whatsoever.

I swear, whether or not Vaylin ultimately must die I wanted the option to tell them all off. When they say something like that, I want to say, <point to Senya> “You feared her and abandoned her.” <point to Arcann> “You neglected her and killed her brother. Out of everyone living outside of my head, you two are the most responsible for what she has become. Neither of you have any say in how we are going to handle this. And we’re going to do what we can to save her. Period. And if you want any more reason than she’s your family, or the horrible things you both allowed to happen to her, or your own empathy, Valkorian is telling me she has to die, and I refuse to do what that monster says. Are we clear?”

Oh, and that bit where you get the option to tell her that Valkorian wants you to kill her? To try to talk her down? That’s the Light option, Bioware. You’re irredeemable is the neutral option. How hard is that to figure out?

Because she’s a threat to your troops? No. The moment you tell them that Valkorian wants her dead, they should be changing their blasters to stun settings. Well, if those exist in TOR, if they haven’t been invented yet, someone should get on that (and if they do every single light side character should carry one, even if they are clumsy and random, for situations like this). But your troops know what he is, and should be willing to help you out here.

Because she killed a lot of people, including your buddy (speaking of hamfisted story telling)? Arcann killed HK-55 (but, you know, droid, and anti-droid bigotry is certainly a thing in Star Wars, even with otherwise light-side types) and almost certainly many times as many people. I do hope you don’t have him with you if your reason to kill her is because of her crimes (and if you executed him for his, congratulations, you are more consistent with your actions than the game company known for its awesome stories. I say, without irony, good job).

Because she’s killed your buddy and you want revenge? Point. I have no rebuttal, but then, I don’t really have a problem you being able to choose to kill her, here (aside from my “Bioware created an awful and poorly told story of familial abuse where you have to/get to kill the victims” thing), my problem is that you have to kill her but you can save Arcann.

Because she slaughtered her troops with her force powers when they annoyed her or just to show off? Again, hope you haven’t saved Arcann after halving his own forces. Just because she does it herself doesn’t mean he’s less heinous, and magical force powers healed him.

Because she’s too broken to live? That’s really the crux of what Bioware was going for: her mind was crippled by Valkorian and can never be gotten back to what it was. Her sanity can never be restored so we have to kill her because of the combination of her powers and her madness. Well, even if I fully accepted this, I want to be allowed to show sympathy within the game. Yeah, I can pretend that’s what the Outlander is really doing, but some things I’d like explicitly stated, and this is one of those. Just say you’re sorry you have to do this before stabbing or shooting her. I wouldn’t like it, as I said, but it’s a small step up, anyway. And they couldn’t give us that option.

Mock her like a villain? You can. Ask her to surrender? You can. Show sympathy and offer help? No, not really. Not use the command phrase, or even show a shred of sorrow or even embarrassment over its use? Nope, and you’re going to expose it to the galaxy, her shame, her lack of control, the awfulness of her parents! I can’t imagine why she hates you so much, especially with her awful family around you, but you did that to her

This is an abuse victim. Further, she had directed attempts to break her mind, body, and spirit to make her into something else. These things happened. The fact that you walk up to her, close enough to touch, with what sounds like whimpering and fear being the only sounds she’s making, and stab or shoot her is disgusting. If she’s supposed to be just Pure Evil, at least let her be ranting at the end. If she’s supposed to be Irredeemably Broken, pretty much the same. That bit of whimpering both makes her seem like someone not really all that dangerous and someone that I want to save. She made the same noises when you most recently defeat her, while she’s on her hands and knees before you, too. Shame you couldn’t have acted before she bubbled up, hero. Perhaps irrational, but there it is.

Because she doesn’t ask? Because she doesn’t want to be saved? Uhm, and? Bioware tried very hard to present her as completely gone, and why. She doesn’t get to choose whether the people around her are going to at least try to help her. Does that take away her agency as a character? Maybe, but I’d argue that her agency was already taken away by her father (and, by extension, the writers) a long time ago. In fact, note in Chapter 9: “Choice. I could get used to that.” At that point, after death, she has agency. Shame she couldn’t have gained some before that, like, by the Outlander trying to save her.

I actually think she was borderline suicidal. She fought beyond what was reasonable when already defeated, there at the end. When, after you continued her abuse by using her command phrase, she retreated and tortured herself, she shouts out not that she doesn’t want to die, but that she doesn’t want to die “in this place”. Scant evidence, since “not like this” is something people that don’t seem otherwise to want to die sometimes say. But, combined with what she has been through and her constant control by others (I’m looking at you, Outlander), it seems at least plausible. I don’t think it’s what the writers were going for, but I can’t unthink it, and it makes “she didn’t ask to be saved” take on a very different, and much worse, meaning.

Because she’s too dangerous? Maybe. There are some signs of it. She’s certainly been defeated often enough, but, yeah, her power is unlocked! Oh, wait, you beat her again. But, now she has that bubble thing, maybe it’s just going to keep going, burning her out and blowing up your base, if she’s not killed. Maybe her rage would drive her troops forward, even if she was unconscious or, say, in carbonite. It would be nice to have one of those explicitly stated before killing her, because at that point the decision to do that rather than try to take her alive makes more sense.

You had to kill the suicidal woman because she was going to kill everyone around you and it was the only way to stop her? Fine. Show some remorse that it came to that, lightsider. Show some empathy. Really all I want given the choice has already been made by the writers that she must die.

Honestly, there’s an episode of Justice League Unlimited where Batman sits down with Ace while she is dying and just stays with her. A moment like that would have been so much better for the nice characters. Instead, “You’re irredeemable!” stab/shot in the gut.

Maybe you just don’t have a non-lethal weapon. Maybe you should get one, we have them on Earth and can’t even break the speed of light or form light into a solid cutting tool.

Because it’s too risky to try to save her, long term? If you wanted the easy way, you’d have used the Emperor’s power every time he offered it, but you didn’t do that, even to save Lana, did you? But, then, accepting his advice and help is probably a bad idea. What did he tell you to do with his daughter and other family members, again?

Because she was always evil? Many of the things I’ve griped about are open to interpretation, this one included. There were moments when she could be interpreted to have a vicious streak as a little girl. She smiled when the guards died (I still believe that the guards should be hurt, not dead, because Senya should have talked about this instead of the crippled guard if Vaylin killed her sparring partners, but I digress). I interpret that as her happiness in showing off her power, and the moment after that as her guilt realizing what had happened. But, sure, the Dark Side could be interpreted as there, even then.

But that bubbly little girl, bouncing up and down with excitement while her big brothers spar? She’s evil? No. Just no. I fear I have no cogent argument to give on this subject, but I don’t accept it, anyway. They can’t all be gems. My entire diatribe is about how the Outlander should have been portrayed as more emotional, if the player so chooses, and I’m not immune myself.

Conclusion: I’m not happy that you are forced to kill an abuse victim, a mentally disturbed woman who, yes, has committed heinous crimes. This isn’t the right venue for such a story, if any venue is. I am doubly disgusted by the way it was approached, with the hero of the story mocking her and taking advantage of her weakness forced on her by the villain for tactical reasons. You don’t use the command phrase to capture her, or even really to save people nearby: it was always your plan to reveal the results of her abuse to the galaxy. I don’t like that you don’t appear to try to help her until after she’s dead, and are unable to choose to show any kind of remorse for what you must do. They took a story that would have annoyed me and made it into something really grotesque. Good job, Bioware.

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