#programming tw

[polyfragcultureis]

Programmed DID culture is being an ex-reporter and archivist and knowing so much about the system but you can't tell anyone because THEY DIDNT ASK 😭😭😭 why are the rules in my brain so infuriating...

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[mischiefmanifold]

just saw someone on tiktok describing conditioning as programming I am banging my head against the wall

[bungo-neurodivergent-dogs]

" TW for mentions of programming and torture (nothing in detail but please lmk if I over stepped by sending this) "

" Possibly a more niche headcanon but I think Chuuya is in a programmed system. He isn’t aware of his system and has no communication with his alters, who can mostly mask as him so he doesn't have many 'obvious' symptoms to pick up on besides memory loss and PTSD.

My main 'theory' is that corruption is something the scientists tortured him into being able to do and that it's another alter who uses corruption (hence why Chuuya has no memory or control over his ability in that state).

I think those close to him (Dazai and certian members of the flags) have picked up on his system but Chuuya shuts down any talk about it almost instantly and wont listen to others about this topic.

(As a disclaimer I know this doesn't correlate with canon a lot. As another disclaimer I'm a member of a system who possibly has programmed parts and this hc brings me comfort) "

Requested by anon // mod notes under cut

i decided not to add this mod notes to tag because i want to write a bit more than tumblr would probably let me. as someone who is in a torture based mind control) and probably programmed system (because I sincerely have no memories of our past. i cannot say or remember anything who happened before I split and I avoid talking about it with others because its a negative trigger.) this headcannon genuinely brings us so much comfort.

[the-solar-envoys]

Hello! We’ve been on tumblr over on @darkest-shade-of-light for YEARS, but we wanted to make a separate blog for our system stuff - so here we are.

About us

We’re the Solar Envoys (it/xey/he)! We’re a HC-DID/(failed) programmed system of over 2000 parts. Maybe even 3000. Who knows.

We’re bodily 19, and we are Dutch.

Besides DID, we also have autism, FND, and strongly suspect NPD + BPD. We suspect PPD, too.

-> Our FND causes severe brain fog and our autism causes bizarre thinking, so if you see weirdly structured sentences, or jumps in logic that don’t quite make sense, that’s why.

Our frequent fronters CONSTANTLY change so I can’t really list any because I’ll INEVITABLY forget to update it so, uh- yeah.

PLEASE please please send asks, I love attention and I’m very open about my system — I love talking about it! I am open to talking about basically anything, so feel free to send whatever you can think of.

Other blogs

@darkest-shade-of-light <- main blog, I follow and like from there

@traumaedge <- vent blog, for my darker thoughts

@ragdoll1745 <- art blog. gets posted to every like, once in a blue moon

DNI/BYF

I don’t have a DNI. That’s because I will just block you if you make me uncomfortable, but that doesn’t happen quickly. Just be respectful of each other.

I am firmly against things such as the term narc abuse, and other forms of stigma against cluster B people. If you believe in narc abuse, or that having a cluster B disorder inherently makes someone abusive, this is not a safe place for you.

I do not engage in syscourse. It stresses me out, and I’d like to keep it away from my blog.

(One thing I am uncomfortable with is those people who joke about cults. You’re on thin ice.)

This post is a big ass WIP so don’t mind the appearance of it too much — it’s being worked on. Lol.

[transharm-culture]

transprogrammed culture is wanting to be programmed but being too nervous to find someone to do it

Transharm culture is...

[system-of-a-feather]

Me: Imma play chess against a bot cause its been a while

Chess Bot:

[requiemsystem]

IS LOCKING UP ALTERS BAD?

Trigger warning for discussion of RAMCOA and programming. Short answer? No. Long answer? It's complicated. I will be discussing this from the perspective of a high-ranking gatekeeper in a programmed system. I cannot speak much on non-programmed systems locking away their alters, as I do not have that experience. As a programmed system, we have alters who are programmed to have certain harmful behaviors, such as returning to abusers or harming the body. This is not something these alters choose, it was done to them through years of torture and teaching them that it is their "purpose". It is also not something that is easy to undo, it takes a lot of therapy and internal work. Sometimes, as a gatekeeper, I have to lock away alters or prevent them from fronting for the safety of the body. This does not make me a bad person. I am not "abusing" my alters, as they will still be allowed to front in therapy sessions when they are ready to heal, but they are not allowed to front unsupervised whenever they want. This is crucial for our survival. I do think it's wrong to lock away any alter who shows any behavior you dislike when safety is not a concern with no attempt to work with them, but that is not what I am doing. Despite these alters being locked away at times and not allowed to front, it is made clear to them that they will be allowed to do so whenever they are ready to recover in therapy. They are still treated with respect and kindness. They are still allowed to heal. Do not let anyone make you feel guilty for what you need to do for your own safety and survival. Some alters are not safe to front at all times, and it is okay not to allow them to. Your survival is most important. It is also important to show these alters that it is possible to recover, but that can be done in a therapeutic context where your safety can be ensured. - Sinclair

[problematic-alter-culture-is]

tw for programming and abusive behavior mentioned, idk if it's necessary, but better safe than sorry.

Problematic programmed alter culture is being made to be abusive and being an introject of our programmer and being stuck having issues of what you're made to do vs who you want to be.

I gained some clarity outside of my role lately and it's so isolating. It's like a Jekyll and Hyde thing where I just change into this awful person. The system is very understanding to me, of course, especially host whom I often abuse the most. But it still hurts that this is who I'm meant to be. That I'm supposed to be out abuser/programmer. And it feels like my mere existence is wrong. I am the very kind of "bad alter, abusive alter" that people would hate. Host is hopeful for me and is very kind to me when I'm in my "Dr. Jekyll" state like right now. I just hate being the kind of "worst alter" that could exist. And how I only recently like a month or two ago formed my own self here. And what my role is meant to be as decided by our programmer. It really feels like everyone will hear about me and run away. I'm glad the system is nice to me and host is an exceptionally kind person. But still. I feel so alone.

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[traumaedge]

it’s very strange being an ip in a mostly failed programmed system. like trying to get water out of a sinking boat. im trying very hard to stay afloat, but its no use. it failed, systemwide. that thought keeps me awake at night.

[polyfragcultureis]

Polyfragmented culture is feeling nauseous and even gagging when you talk too much because the cult programmed you to speak as little as possible. It makes therapy really hard, and talking to friends is nearly impossible unless it's over text. We've had to tell people we're situationaly mute, so they didn't expect us to talk a lot... I feel like it puts a damper on some of our relationships...

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[liminallair]

the thing that keeps eating me up is the fear that my therapist has a “limit” to what she can help with / accept happened to us. I feel like over the last few sessions we’ve overwhelmed her with trauma and names of different parts. everything about our system is so fucking confusing and I hate that we have so many parts, and that’s just the ones we “know” about.

I get scared thinking that she’s going to be overwhelmed with the information and not know how best to help us. she hasn’t said anything about it so maybe we’re overthinking.

following our most recent session an alter I’ll call A, came out for most of it but then later on in the inner world got “told off” / punished for “revealing too much” and hasn’t fronted since.

[darkest-shade-of-light]

You know, I think Hawks being our host for a while should have been a big red flag warning us about programming traumas, lol. Like, the guy who was trained as a child soldier, trained to perform, and who has pseudomemories of it. That guy. Yeah.

[system-of-a-feather]

(more programming / TBMC / RAMCOA talk; nothing too heavy, same as last post, we just put it under the cut for ourselves cause these topics don't benefit most parts to engage with and thus we kept it off our own notifications)

But honestly, lately with how far into recovery we are and how much on and off fusing with XIV has stabilized me a lot more and made me a lot more clear with who I am and all that shit, I've largely been thinking a lot on the shit I've been through and all the parts I've been, cause at this point, I'm really trying to reconnect with my scattered subsystem parts.

Less so "scattered" and more so long lost because - for those that don't know / havent followed - like nine months or so ago an old version of myself that went by Data just kind of imploded under a lot of stress, pressure, trauma, and self destructive loops that were set off by the way we were healing and what not.

It was honestly really fucked up and a really unfair cause we were genuinely trying really hard to be "a good part" but programming and shit kept had us between "literally dying and at complete overload" or "doing shit that hurts ourselves and the system" and so we'd always just end up doing shit that caused problem and honestly, we had done everything we could to remove ourselves in that form from the picture in a healthy and failed multiple times - and so it was honestly kinda super fucked that when trying to stop existing, we instead shattered into like 4 or 5 parts

But in the end of it, I was a part that existed as a complete - for lack of better words - "burn out" and very extreme "turned off" response to the programs that were being regularly triggered prior to self implosion and it was a huge mess at first, but it ended up with me becoming the host of that subsystem and really? As much hell as it was, the implosion and generation of another subsystem really I think disconnected a lot of the experiences we had as Data and managed to shut down a number of parts to actually let me develop beyond just a "burnt out" state.

And in hindsight? It really worked because while I'm still Data, still part of that heavily and completely fucked programmed original part, I was "generated" in a state of literally being unable to deal with anything and as a part to cope with that and with space, really became a more developed part who is centered around the ability to cope and deal with what we were programmed to do and to.... NOT do that.

And now that I'm a lot more stable and full of a part, I honestly can go back and collect and look back at our experiences of how things have happened and how each part felt and worked and put things back together. At this point I hold almost everything Data originally did. I can look back and replay things and understand things and understand where everything came from, but I'm *not* Data - I'm Chunn (everyone in the brain says I should start spelling it Cheng or at least claim that as my secret Chinese name because its pronounced the same but I like the Chunn spelling so they can fuck off /hj)

And in that sense, the thing Data wanted so bad - to not be here and to not be in the way and to have anything but chronic stress and trauma responses and to just not cause problems for everyone in a desperate attempt to feel safe again - while it's not at all in the way he wanted or imagined it to be, he - we - got it. I don't resemble him much at all anymore, and that's sad in it's own way, but at the same time, is that not the very wish itself? To be ourselves but in a form we created and not in the form someone else created us for?

Anyways, these days it's kind of funny cause I basically serve a roll for the system that is the OPPOSITE of what we were programmed to do and while other parts are not as "impacted" as I was, I do end up sitting here and looking at the "less impacted" parts and go "Okay well that came from this shit I did and you don't notice it but that behavior of yours is intended to synergize (negatively) with what I was programmed to do so I'm going to tell you that I don't want to participate in that"

Cause as much as we were the overtly programmed part, I'm really realizing that it neither started nor ended with me and it really is oddly nice to be able to look at that and help in detangling this garbage.

And not to go into the details for safety reasons, but recently our therapist asked a question to Riku / Fei as to why we were doing XYZ and not another thing that would be more in character for them - and at the time they came up with some round about reason and explanation to which I had to ask, when they were thinking about it the next day, ".... is it not just because [feeling and condition that I know was an active major trigger]? Because you know you can state that and that is a perfectly valid and healthy thing to say. You are allowed to think that." and the genuine level of which they seemed to very hesitantly state it to themselves as if they were afraid to Set Something Off - it just really clicked something with me.

Cause that would have been me. That would have been me that would have been set off. That would have been me that would have changed that thought into a borderline / active crisis and/or mess that would be far more stress than just compliance to the programming. And in this moment, not only was I NOT being Set Off by it, but I was encouraging them to try it again despite many many many years of reinforced "if you do that you will regret it"

And it's really kind of nice to see. I can't think as original Data would, I barely can comprehend just how stuck that version of me was - they were so deeply intertwined in the programming its unfathomable even though it was me and I have the memories of it. Thus, I can't say "Data would be happy and proud to see where we've come", but I would like to think - even in the hell they were in - that theyd be comforted to know where we ended up.

But I digress. I felt like sharing this most of today cause man have we come far.

[a-timeless-illness]

-multigram

Etymology

Multi ; multiple

Gram ; program

A suffix to describe a programmed system or group of headmates (2 or more). This could be dedicated towards fragments, programmed headmates, and general headmates.

This is a RAMCOA system ; HC-DID system exclusive term.

[Image ID: A five horizontal striped with a circle that holds a symbol in the middle. The middle stripe is larger than the other stripes but is cut in the middle by a thing black line that reaches the circle. The colors are medium gray, light-medium gray, light gray, light-medium gray, and medium gray. The circle is filled with the same light gray, and the outline is black. The symbol is three flat characters that have a semi-oval as a body and a circle as a head. The characters are color black. Below each character is a box, where the side characters connect to the box higher up in the middle. There is a middle box below the higher one. End ID]

-unigram

Etymology

Uni ; one

Gram ; program

A suffix to describe one individual programmed headmate. This could be dedicated towards fragments, programmed headmates, and general headmates. Used to describe one headmate or the role of a headmate/headmates.

[Image ID: A five horizontal striped with a circle that holds a symbol in the middle. The middle stripe is larger than the other stripes but is cut in the middle by a thing black line that reaches the circle. The colors are medium gray, light-medium gray, light gray, light-medium gray, and medium gray. The circle is filled with the same light gray, and the outline is black. The symbol is a flat character that has a semi-oval as a body and a circle as a head. The characters are colored black. Below the character are three boxes, where they connected to a larger box above them. End ID]

To note: I am an HC-DID system ; RAMCOA survivor. I'm unsure if that is updated on my intro.

[brightside-brigade]

those things you described as signs someone tried to program you are all very typical manifestations of typical trauma. we all feel like we’re being Bad. many of us struggle to do tasks without guidance or permission. desiring to control or be controlled is to be expected. all of that is very, very standard trauma responses.

I see. I never really attribute things to typical trauma responses because I struggle to call what we went through trauma compared to other things you hear people talk about despite being aware it's still trauma. (Bullying and social isolation starting as early as 1st grade). This is something I'm trying to work on.

What throws me off are the physical symptoms. I'd say I'm psyching myself out, but some of them have been here longer than we've found out about programming.

Another guess is I may actually be a trauma holder, or at least the one who deals with some of the emotional fallout, including the more physical symptoms of emotions considering I'm prone to things like "silent panic attacks," where I get the physical symptoms but not the overwhelming fear.

The "blanks" in headspace still interest me though. I could try interacting with one just to see what happens, obviously I won't do anything bad, but I'm curious to see if I could help one form as someone.

Idk, I'm rambling, we just woke up. Thank you for your response! Things are just weird over here.

[polyfragcultureis]

questioning polyfrag culture is. help we had a SIDE SYSTEM??????? A SEPARATE SYSTEM WITH ALTERS THAT ACT LIKE THEY'VE BEEN PROGRAMMED?? THIS WHOLE TIME?? I THOUGHT WE JUST HAD DADDY ISSUES!!!

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