#am rly tired and emotional rn

[two-as-one]

|| Shout out to my moots. You're all amazing writers and I feel very privileged to see everyone's writing, headcanons, drabbles, just everything. ||

[toastsnaffler]

okay can we have a new rule that if you're my friend and know I struggle with rsd from adhd + you're planning on hanging out with mutual friends but specifically aren't inviting me for whatever reason. Maybe Don't Tell Me About It

[piplupod]

it hurts so much jesus fucking christ i wish i knew how much pain was normal bc this doesnt feel like it should be normal

[levmada]

2 month T update the day before

- finally gave in and got a haircut bc i had a mullet and the length was stressing me out (honestly expected tho bc i’ve always gotten sick to my stomach when my hair grew any longer than to my shoulders). and it actually went rly well. only two people were working and there was a lot of chatting, and i got called ‘man’ a lot (in the same way you’d call someone dude at the end of a sentence. that probably makes no sense but i’m tired asf rn so take it).

anyway it’s much shorter and looks rly good :3

- started packing a bit ago and that’s actually done wonders for my confidence. i think cuz it’s more like a harness you pack yourself instead of it being realistic

- this is so lame but i’m more engaged in class bc i’m always looking for any way to answer a question and use my voice. i’ve always been that type of person (chronic teachers pet disorder/j) but i always talked quietly and felt unsure of myself in a way i couldn’t explain until i started T

on that topic i think my voice dropped even more since last week. it’s honestly been crazy but maybe has to do with how much i’ve been training it. it’s unmistakably masculine./very pos

- uhmmmm so for many years now i’ve been dyeing my hair black when i’m a natural blond and i couldn’t ever explain to someone why other than ‘it looks better’ and i’m emo asf (don’t worry, that phase never ended for me) but it’s occurred to me since i’m getting the slightest littlest bit of facial hair that it’ll be a pain in the ass to dye it consistently and the idea of going back to blond doesn’t make me want to curl up and hide in a hole which is very shocking to me. i was very very set on dyeing my hair black FOR LIFE. i’m not rly sure why T has changed that. maybe it’s cos i associated blond hair w being a girl or i hated my appearance so much while… it’s getting much better now. i NEVER would’ve comprehended on my own that that preference was cuz of gender dysphoria

i still need to think abt it tho

- last week (?) i posted a voice comparison thingy and it sounded so good. turns out i posted it just in time for me to start sounding like a frog that just woke up and smoked a pack of cigarettes. it’s kind of annoying😩

- ACNE ALL OVER MY FACE

- growing a ton of hair like everywhere but especially my arms. like on my fingers too??? and like i mentioned already above my lip. which has all been rly nice

- started working out a bit ago to build muscle which has been good for my mental health :3 on top of T making it easier to gain muscle, but i haven’t done it long enough to see results yet LOL

- emotions are so weird. at my 1 month mark i rambled about it and here i am again :3 my bipolar 1-bpd-a bunch of psychotropic drugs combo makes my experience hyper specific, but i’m less of an intensely neurotic excitable crazy person.

before, i didn’t cry probably as much as a normal person but now it’s physically impossible. not in an emotionally constipated way, i FEEL sad, but it just doesn’t happen.

i feel emotions more mellow in general. but i’m probably more like your emotionally unavailable but well meaning older brother

- my feet have gotten bigger i stg bc my shoes which used to fit me just don’t. i have small feet for an afab person anyway :3

- i’ve noticed that my hips are slightly less curved but i couldn’t tell you where the fat has gone 🤷🏻

- i think that’s it for now :3333

not sfw under the cut

- still no menses :333🙏

- sex drive has evened out A LOT which has been nice

- bottom growth continues. random erections are like getting hit with a flash bang but it’s oddly gender affirming

[thisisadonaldduckblognow]

i rly am so sick of fanon leo that poor character got the tumblr sad boy treatment all day long out here

idk how to tell you his ass never had an inferiority complex, at this point. like he’s not secretly super sad hiding behind a mask 24/7 so unhappy and misunderstood etc etc etc like. he is full of love. he is full of hope and very supportive of his family, who he loves and knows loves him. his smiles can be very genuine! he likes to laugh and he likes to make his family laugh! he carries around a tiny clown horn!

he’s allergic to straightforward emotional talks. he’s kind of an asshole! he’s manipulative! he can be selfish and is very petty! his ego is real and it can make problems for him! he was not secretly toiling away behind the scenes the entire series as the ~only one with any real common sense~ bc he’s equally as much of a goofy impulsive dumbass as all of his brothers are! he disguised himself as a pirate and put on two eyepatches and walked into something immediately! canonically!

there is so much real interesting nuance in the canon version of rise leo on screen to think about, it’s so tiring to see him get reduced to a 2 dimensional bland sad dude. esp in the rare times where like. i don’t have enormous disaster twins fatigue from the overwhelming amount of content they get vs the sunshine duo but that is a whole other thing. im gonna go back to raph posting next time i think abt posts this is just sitting with me rn

[signedkoko]

Hii! Could I get a romantic Hazbin Hotel matchup?

I'm bi with male preference, an ISTP and a Leo

Appearance: 4'11 with waist-long black hair and blue eyes + glasses. i've been told that i look rather cold and unapproachable (and tired cuz of those damn huge dark circles under eyes i have). 99% of times dressed whole in black with slight addition of red or blue + lots of chains as an accessory

About me: Absolutely exhausted comp sci student living off energy drinks and garlic baguettes trying to survive and not lose sanity. Rather aloof, rational and private loner with a sharp tongue. Also unbelievably stubborn and trying to play off as extremely independent when i'm a huge walking mess. Honestly all I need is peace. Peace, headphones and good 12+ hours of sleep. Since I get overwhelmed extremely easily I often have days/weeks when I'm moving much slower and talk more slowly and quietly or don't talk at all. I often hear that I give off "uneasy" vibes (but I am autistic so yeah, checks out). I don't talk much nor engage myself socialy but i will drop a few words or a little pun/joke into a conversation if needed. ppl tend to come to me for advice or just to confess and get a non judgemental opinion/adcise. I'm usually just going around minding my own business, not a huge fan of drama or gossip. I can't read social cues for my dear life so I never know if ppl like me as a friend or want sth more but if I start liking someone I'm suddenly loosing all my cool and get terribly awkward around them and overthink every interaction (while praying they didn't see the change in my behavior). I'm a gif giving & acts of service type of girl since I'm not the best with expressing emotions with words. But I do enjoy teasing and flirting with my friends (but i shut up the second someone actually flirts back cuz i get too flustered) I'm that friend you call at 3AM because u did sth stupid and now u need help (and i will get there, after spending 30min screaming at u for how dumb u are and telling u that there's no way i'm getting out of my house rn)

And a little fun fact about me: i always have a lighter on me. No, i don't smoke but there's always someone who needs a lighter and that's a great way to meet some rly cool ppl

Hobbies: collecting vinyls, astronomy, stargazing, reading, playlisty violin, gemology, long walks, cloudy and rainy weather

Dislikes: eye contact, loud noises, hot temperatures, bright lights, childish & reckless ppl, coffee and alcohol (never grew to like it, don't think i ever will)

Thank you so much in advance! Hope you're doing well and have a great day♡

You got…Husk!

He doesn't know shit about technology, let alone computers, so he may not get your career or your specialties, but he shrugs it off. If anything, it's better that you know because it means he won't have to, and less is always better when it comes to this demon. 

Both of you are very standoffish, and while it took a long time for the two of you to really meet and get along, your 'alone' becomes 'alone together' real quick. 

He's a very sleepy guy, and while he wishes he could sleep all day, he'll settle for half if it means he gets time with you awake and in rest. Husk doesn't have a preference for weather, but he finds that when it rains, you'll stick with him a little longer, so he learns to love it. 

Your jokes and puns are always strangely timed, and they usually catch him off guard. You have a bit of a game going where you try your best jokes when he's busy just to see if he'll laugh. So far, he's winning, but he never wants you to stop trying. It makes his work a lot less boring (or annoying when it comes to the others). 

With his many years as a bartender, he's met all kinds of people. His ability to understand others is almost uncanny, so there's no need for you to express yourself to him in words; he already knows. It just takes one glance for him to get the message. 

Carrying a lighter around when you don't smoke is a bit strange to him, but eventually he starts giving you any of the lighters left behind by barpartons. From bic to intricate zippo lighters. 

Expect a lot of nights helping him close the bar, tasting the mocktails he makes for you, and long evenings spent cuddled up together.

Author’s Note - I hope you enjoy Husk, I really think he'd suit you! Your runner up was Stolas, but you mentioned hazbin so I left that out. Thank you for requesting!

[gotyouanyway]

lol

um ok i know i throw around the word burnout a lot re: autism when i rly mean a more mild kind of acute exhaustion but i’ve been through full blown burnout before at least twice maybe 3 times that i remember and it’s happening againnn

i think because i haven’t been depressed for most of the summer and especially recently so bc i’ve been feeling good i’ve been pushing myself harder and masking WAY harder trying to see what my limits actually are ig and how actually nt i can behave (like not bc i’m ashamed, i just like talking to people and i like when it goes smoothly yknow. idk)

but bc i’ve been doing good and bc my last burnout was years ago i didn’t notice it sneaking up on me. like it’s been so long and the circumstances are different so i didn’t recognize it. and it’s probably not too late to do something to mitigate it but it’s really hitting these last few days all at once and i’m only now noticing how bad it’s been getting. like the little things i missed bc. well i’m autistic how good am i at noticing how i feel until it’s an emergency lol

anyway i was rly tired today which is probably why it’s hitting but i’m missing social cues and missing my turn to talk and missing jokes and having a hard time talking coherently and getting that feeling of almost not being able to talk/Really not wanting to, especially after talking for a while. and so many other things that have been building up for ages now that i didn’t notice. withdrawing from ppl and only feeling calm when stimming or distracted from surroundings. irritable. no control over my emotions and basically no idea what i’m feeling which isn’t something i usually struggle so much with. just everything at once. and so many of these things i dealt with last time and they feel the same so i know that it’s burnout (now that i recognized these things are actually happening).

and i’m kind of freaking out bc i’ve been doing so good and feeling so good and now i’m worried it’s all collapsing out from under me. i like being energetic and social and more or less competent at life, i’ve barely had a chance to feel that ever and now it’s proving to be too much

like it’s not that bad rn, i’m still functioning fine atm, and i still feel happy and energized and wanting to do stuff and i can still talk to people mostly fine (even if stumble a little). but it all feels very fragile and some things have already broken. and i know it means i need to slow down and take care of myself or it’ll get worse but part of me really doesn’t want to bc like. i’m doing so much stuff and feeling like a regular guy for once and i don’t want to stop just bc my brain is throwing a fit :(

idk i’m rly sleepy rn so i’ll just go to bed but i wish i knew what to do

[pinkseas]

[parasocial bestie] GOOD MORNIGNG BESTIEE I HOPE U HAD A NICE REST AND SLEEBP if not i kick the exhaustion away beats it to the ground in a pulp yuou will nawt. tire my bestie ever again ANYWAY i hope youll have a nice day too 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 i was writing sumn but the thought was like a week old amd im just clenching my fist shaking unable to get back to that lil cathartic moment so i can Have That Feel i was jusgt THINKGING just cryign for xiao and zl right now yes that was the thoght i coulda flood u the them then i flood u the lumine i wusz thinking again about her and functional pants. god the makeover idea is such a game changer to me like YKNOWWWWW <- writhing screaming on the floor cannot sort out their thoughts well rm but still wanna greet the bestie euutjahehfikshfhehfh

ABOUT UR BIG FIC PROGRESS ITS OK ASF youre still going great YOU REACHED THE 45K MILESTONE and stretching it more which is shtill ok!!! with me and work things do trail outta ur mind a lot on things u Want to think about yknow cus priorities :((( like i wanna stay there and just dream abt my blorbos and have the same scene looping in my head on repeat 738374 times a day..... thinking like 30 mins straight of the same idea and going ehe what does bestie think abt this its so messy i shud get it well constructed so i can write more walls of text for them HEHE and i MISS THATTTT MY BRAIN IS SO NON FUNCTIONAL RN THE ASK I WANNA WRITE TO U IS SITTIN THERE UNFINISHED. LIKE I WANNA LAY A WHOLE TUB OF WATER OF FAMILIAL XIAO ZHOGNLI TO U SO BAD RN and a side of pants lmi agenda flushed emoji flushed emoji like yknow............

U CAUGHT ME AS IM WORKING ON THE FIC >:))))))) i was soooooo skull emoji last night and now i am awake and SO DETERMINED !!!!!!! to at least get these last couple of scenes figured out im so srs i am GOING to have every scene at least partially written by the end of the day today i can feel it. 8 hour shift is nothing but a tiny interruption it is like childs play to me just another obstacle in the way of my beautiful beautiful xiaolumi.

I DID SLEEP WELL THANK UUUUUUUUUUUUUUU and i am also still tired so i very much appreciate the exhaustion being beaten to death ily so bad that made me giggle sm I HOPE UR DAY TODAY WAS WONDERFUL AND I HOPE UR ABLE TO GET SOME GOOD SLEEP SOON <3333333333333333333

100% understand the feeling of having like that Moment that Specific Feeling And Emotion while writing smth and sometimes pausing or needing to come back to it and then the emotion isnt rly as there and its so hard to capture again i LOVE when inspiration strikes at those moments but i hate having to finish it later :sob:

U CAN ALWAYS FLOOD ME W/ ANYTHING AT ALL EVER eyes and ears so wide open all the time always and YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS THE MAKEOVER the fact that there's just ENDLESS potential for her style and what she would or wouldnt like and then fighty stuff vs comfort stuff vs casual stuff smnfmfngmnfbmnb dies. dies. lumi <33333333333

I ABSO9LUTELY GETR THAT TOO us when our brains are so good at being nonfunctional its okay it will return in due time and then.... then i will get the whole tub of water then i will get the side of pants lumi agenda and it will be so wonderful and glorious i have no doubt whatsoever

[idealspawn]

i feel like an awful friend saying this but i am tired of being the therapist in every single one of my friendships. of course i care abt my friends and want them to be well and love it if my words and support could help them but that puts so much fucking pressure on me that i just want to run away altogether. i cant have someone else be so dependent on me if i cant even trust myself to manage my own shit. like i know that i dont rly ask for support from my friends but that doesnt mean there isnt anything that im dealing w as well rn and that i am available to be everyones source for emotional support. i feel so cornered bc when my friends tell me abt their issues i cant just idk ignore them like thats so obviously fucking rude and not how a good friend would act. and then they tell me how they feel like a burden. like.. you are but i obviously cant fucking say that in response to that bc im not a literal dick

[symptoms-syndrome]

I'm so bad with other people's extreme emotions (or rather, I'm very good at them, they just tire me out real quick) and I'm sooo burnt out from the seemingly Sisyphean task of managing my friend's mental health. Like nothing I do seems to rly work so I'm just like...not wasting my energy anymore. Sorry or whatever.

But anyway now she's openly sobbing in the break room at work and it's like. What am I supposed to do here...I work like technically in the same room so it's like. Mega awk.

And like? I'm in a good mood lately. I had a lot of fun last night at an event she had to go home from. I know my good mood won't last forever and I'm prolonging it as long as I can. AND I know my good mood is due to like. Years of hard work and therapy. I EARNED this joy. Things are looking UP for me I cannot let someone drag me down RN. Esp someone who I know needs more support than I can provide now or ever. I feel kind of selfish, but I know my choices will end up being either both of us being miserable together, or me being ok and her being the same. This is just reducing the net misery, I think. Because I know I can't make her feel better, not in any significant way.

[kintsukuroi-babes]

Message I sent to my friend from the mental hospital about how I feel:

Yea it's overwhelming and so hard to go thru. I feel like you're the only person who understands those feelings better than anyone else I know. Your the only person ik who was literally there for me when no one else was, when I was alone, isolated, the worst point in my life, like nobody could ever understand the pain I was going thru and nobody would understand ever.

In the mental hospital alone bcuz I was wanting to die so badly, I attempted suicide so many times that month, starving myself, making myself throw up all the food I just ate in the ward with the stupid ward toothbrush we had, just self harming and self sabotaging myself so hard even while there. so much despair in life, feeling like me and everyone else was better off if I was dead. You were someone who was there when I was alone and had nobody to talk to and I met you, I realized we were going thru the same illness, the same feelings and same grief and pain and you were always such a comfort for me. You still are like the biggest comfort for me bcuz Ik no matter what I say you understand it in such an important way. Bcuz I met u ans felt so much less alone in everything I was going thru. You know I feel so alone in everything I go thru, and I felt like when I met u I was just feeling like nobody else in the world could compare to how I felt and then I met u and so I feel rly validated and okay with talking to you and knowing that it's not just me who feels exactly like me.

I really am so grateful to you and that I met you bcuz everything I was going thru ans still do you understand so much and I've never met anybody like that. Like the things I am scared to tell people bcuz I feel like it's way to much for someone to hear, like that they would be so overwhelmed and feel like it's too much. I've never known anyone who actually understands everything I say to the core when I describe how I feel in those lows.

Like everything u said is to a tea to what I feel ans I feel like u feel like that too about the stuff I say. I just stress ans feel bad and kind of feel like a broken record or like almost a burden with telling my regular friends about it bcuz Ik I've said the same exact thing a million times (multiple times a week) ans I feel like they don't know what to say or how to help me anymore. It's like they are watching me have the same mental breakdown over and over again and there comes a point when they don't know what to say to me anymore.I just don't want to exhaust them I feel like they are tired of hearing the same thing multiple times a week yenno. But also it's a bit infuriating when they compare how I'm feeling to themselves and their lows, just like reminds me of when my mom used to compare me wanting to end my life to her "lows", it's infuriating and makes me not want to say anymore and just keep it to myself. It just feels like when they do that it feels like almost invalidating, like they aren't really hearing the things I'm saying. I try so hard to get them to even understand a little bit and it never works bcuz they literally don't know anything about it ans are just living as normal regular humans having no idea what it's actually like. It's not their fault but idk I just wish they knew...

it's like I try ans convey those crazy intense emotions and moments into something they can understand but it never works, just makes me lose hope in trying to get them to get it. Like they think when I say that I'm not being serious and just feeling sad but it's not just sad.

They don't understand that when I say "I really just want to kms and die rn" I am literally bawling, self destructing, trying to think of a way to actually harm myself if not kill myself. Like they don't get that I'm not just over exaggerating the killing myself part. Like I actually feel like sick of this life, sick of being so exhausted just by being alive, that I don't think I belong in this world anymore, I shouldn't be here, I'm not meant for this world especially by the way I am forced to live life in such a painful state all the time.

Like nobody understands and I feel like such a misunderstood lost soul all the time.

It's like I have to live a double life honestly, bcuz I feel like I need to hide all these depressing thoughts and have these moments alone bcuz no matter what no one will understand, and if I keep telling people who care about me how I'm truly feeling then all of a sudden they are "so worried about me" ans I don't want to worry them bcuz then I feel like I'm dragging them down into an anxiety filled horrifying world. Feel like such a burden ans that's always how it's been. Felt like a burden to everyone always. Feel like most have my friends have distanced themselves from me bcuz of the repetitive lows they've had to talk me out of. Like should I just stfu ans not go to them idk. Should I just keep it to myself idk.

To them it's so simple, they say there are highs ans lows in life and it's true don't get me wrong, but they don't get the lows I do. They don't get how much strength it takes to go thru the lows I do. They don't feel the excruciating feeling of feeling lowest of your life ans not being able to feel, just feeling completely numbness and no way out. They don't even know how an empath lives. Being an empathic human w bpd going thru their lows. I literally need to slice myself open to feel okay, to distract myself from my own minds mental torture. It's so fucked up, life is such a tiring process.

I'm so scared for the future, bcuz I don't feel like I'm meant for it. I don't feel good enough. Idk if I can actually take working a normal job, just slaving away 9-5 and for what, a house that's unaffordable? Kids I'm terrified of having bcuz they might hate me? Growing old just to get some nasty disease from the consequences of living my life like I don't care? I'm so fucking terrified of the entire world. There's so much despair ans it's so hard trying to shield everyone from all this chaos while also constantly picking myself back up and trying to have hope that it's all going to be okay. The last 10 years I've been convinced I don't want a long life, I don't want to grow old. And life still terrifies the fuck out of me. I still beleive I'm not meant for this world, that I can't take it. I don't want to suffer for the rest of my life the way I have suffered and am still suffering.

I don't think I'm made to withstand another 60 years of it. I don't want to grow old in some nasty disease like cancer, I feel like I'm meant to die before that happens. It's just all so scary to me. I'm scared so scared of being old. I don't wanna face any of it. If this is how it's going to be for the rest of my life I don't want it, but then I'm faced with having to throw all that pain onto everyone else I love while they grow old. I'm so scared. I'm so confused. I'm terribly afraid of all of it. Idk what to do

[piplupod]

aaaaaa

[kirbyfigure]

TW for mentions of ED

(trigger warning for eating disorder mention

)Incorrect spelling)

This week has been absolute shit for me my ed is making a comeback I keep looking the mirror and finding things to get angry abt or fixand im being punished right after punishment aswell as being berated by adults who are literally in charge and i feel so helpless everyone hnas my back but i feel completely and utterly alone and i wish it wasnt like this because I SEE and KNOW these ppl are trying to help me yet my brain cant change my emotions. its the last three weeks and im being degrated and lied on aswell as slightly framed. I want to time travel a year later to when i can just see this as one of the many other miss opportunies we all face in life but im at my fucking limit I had no idea any of this would happen especially 5 weeks after the inital incedent ive been crying every day too

im tired of dissapointing my mother and im rly wishing i was homeschooled rn. i dont even know what my best interest is if that even exists to begin with I have so much shit to do in so little time i dont even know how ive been active for 2 years str8 on this platform and maybe its because im in my own little fucking bubble im not gonna be a little cunt and post the pretty pics of mme crying tho tcaus eim not a bitch. t

this account has gone thru a number of owners those being ex's of mine friends etc most of their departure being their inactivity and the others being them into proshipper shit . Its just me now.. none of you rly know who i am either and it will mostg likely stay that way. Just know ive ALWAYS been here. I just wanna run away and hide in a hole hwere ppl cant see me and tbh tumblr is like a hole for me ill try to be more active here because this sit and my account r my own persona,l safespace ive rarely ever argued w anyone here and i love that.

im gonna finish this later/add onto it pls send well wishes

[foxtriestobiteandmaimandkilland]

Hi im rlly tired and i have new emotions and id like 2 say that this is rly difficult bc i only have the important very emotional emotions at 2am ut i also happen 2 have cant think disease so i have all these things i want to say and i just cant say any of it.like i have sk much love for the world and so much hate for it and i want to communicate both of those things but rn all i can say is hahahaheheehehejdifhfhf tieed sleepy tknow so im gonna sleep now and tmrw ill wake up a new man and ill have different emotions and ill be sweaty and in the sun and ill be at the back of the classroom alone and then ill be at home and. I miss life is strange. I want to play it i think. Again. Wish i could play it with someone but itd feel wrong. I bave one friend who i need 2 play lis with but they hate me rn so i wont i dont think but. Yeah. Ahyways nobody would ever be as insane about it as i am. I got close once but. Hm. Just remembered i should text someone ok. That then bed.

[cherrythot-s]

It’s been a kinda tough week, but I got through it!!! And I am basically like done w my 4 week class! I’m so proud of myself. I had been so worried about not getting things done in a timely manner but I rly impressed myself tbh. Despite my lulu being gone and my sleep and mood being messed up because of it. When I returned to work I didn’t think I was going to cry but I did a little bit and it was so embarrassing but I just felt like I needed to say why I was gone for the day. I’m so grateful for my job. I really love it. I know it was good to take the day off but it just kind of made me miss lulu so much more. Returning to work was nice because it was distracting and I really didn’t want this to effect my job and school work. The kids also are just so sweet and I love them so much. I didn’t tell them what happened but it’s like they knew I needed extra love??? IDK. They worked so well w me this whole week and gave me hugs and reminded me that they appreciate me and think I’m the best hehe. They make work fun and worth it. I’m so happy I found something I love and am so passionate about. I don’t know where I’d be if I hadn’t gotten this job. I can’t wait to spend the day w my cousins tomorrow and my bf and sisters too. I’m going to get hotpot w my best friends on Monday too and I’m sO excitedddd. Sometimes I feel so fkn overwhelmed n tired and I feel tired now but mostly like j so happy to be where I am. It’s like bittersweet idk. I feel so emotional rn HAHA. There is so much more to come and deal with but for now I feel good and I need to keep reminding myself that we r our happiest when we r improving?? There is no destination. Just the journey or whatever lol. So cheesy. Yea.

[scarlethallow160]

why tf do one bedroom apartments have to be so expensive (this is a huge vent dump pls avert your gazes)

my roommate keeps inviting people to our apartment without fucking telling me (or waiting til the LAST possible second to do so) even tho i’ve said time and time again i hate when people do that especially cuz he has a bad habit of doing that when we have plans where he just invites other people (esp people i barely know or dont know at all) without telling me or anyone else that was already involved. its even more aggravating cuz when this is brought up he acts like he makes sure to avoid this and he fucking doesnt like when i lived with an old friend and an ex-friend, him and our other friend invited someone to our place (so they invited a stranger to a place they did not live at) and none of them fucking told me until i was literally about to walk inside after work and like am i crazy or do people not see how rude that is?? like dawg thats my fucking home U GOTTA TELL ME WHEN PEOPLE THAT DO NOT LIVE THERE ARE GOING TO BE THERE

and if ur going to force me to interact with strangers have the decency to introduce us???? once we went to meet with some friends (not rly but i’d met them before) and ig one of their sisters was there and they just. didnt introduce us to each other? and we were on opposite ends of the table so its not like we could really interact either? and they did this when we got invited to another friends bday thing where someone i’d never been introduced to was there and they didnt fuckin introduce us and i was anxious cuz i was sitting across from her and finally had to be like “oh hi are u x? i’m so-and-so” like jesus christ is this not common sense for people? why are yall okay with forcing complete strangers to hangout

and with work today i was so overstimulated and got more and more aggravated by this cuz like i dont want to have to move every year and one bedrooms are so expensive rn but im so fucking tired of going thru this. not to mention we dont have a ceiling fan in our living room so he turns down the ac rly low when people are over so it jacks up our ac bill so it makes me even More anxious cuz him inviting people over = social anxiety for me and general anxiousness knowing our bill is going to be higher

i was so aggravated by this i ended up skipping out on plans we had today cuz my roommate also talks about himself. a lot. and we were out with friends like yesterday night or smthing and he kept going on and on about some guys he’s talking to on a dating app and i knew that would just make me angrier and idk it kinda sucked that one of my other friends involved thought i felt i was rly close with didnt seem to gaf either that i abruptly dropped out and theres obviously something wrong with me mental health-wise cuz i have this really bizarre self-sabotaging tendency when my mood severely dips where i convince myself no one cares or everyone hates me and think of this dark scenarios and just kind of start spiraling

and with my anger issues i go thru this weird loop of understanding a lot of my emotional/temperamental and communication issues stems from my fucked up family cuz my mom is super vain/self-absorbed and never thinks she can be wrong and basically my sisters are the same so i keep things bottled up and end up getting REALLY angry with no healthy outlet until i reach a breaking point and im just not great with communicating how i rly feel either cuz talking to my family was like talking to a brick wall and my older sister would literally cut me off constantly telling me to shut up so i rarely communicate things beyond like....joking around and stuff so i tend to vent/trauma dump into the void on social media lmfao which is obviously not healthy at all either but like......yeah it also sucks when i start spiraling and thinking back on this shit that i’ll never get closure from the longterm issues i developed from my family cuz now they want to act like we’re this tight-knit super close family that always got along and even if i were to ever bring this shit up they’d just point fingers or deny doing anything wrong.

 idk like its nice having a group of friends i can hangout with and stuff irl but also i feel like i cant ever really talk to them about anything like this that im going thru cuz i also feel super uncomfortable thinking i might be making things about myself (and honestly i do hate when people trauma-dump on me completely out of nowhere so i also want to avoid doing that)

also whats stopping me about addressing these issues with my roommate is cuz he has a tendency to victimize himself and thinking hes just being attacked? like he’s also super self-deprecating All the time which is also extremely exhausting to deal with constantly and it pisses me off that with our other friend/my old roommate, my current roommate kisses his ass and listened to him when he told him these issues of him being too self-deprecating etc. but ik if anyone else did he would just feel sorry for himself

im tired of this