#and 2 appts (on the same day) the following week

[desperatepleasures]

trying not to think about the fact that I have three (3) doctor appts next week ha ha ha...

[woodlandwizard77]

A Step by Step Guide to Losing Your D**k

I recently wrote a series of messages to my aunt talking about all the steps I need to do to get bottom surgery, a penile inversion vaginoplasty at Mt. Sinai, in the next year or two. Its a long list. And everytime I added something she had a sort of “wow thats rough” reaction, but to me its just the to do list. So I decided to write them all out.

Start transition DONE

Most insurance companies and surgeons require you to have socially transitioned and have done HRT for at least 1 year at the time of operation

For social transition, this was March of 2024

For HRT it will be January of 2025

Get a referral to a surgeon (I am here)

In my case, Mt. Sinai in Manhattan

My Doctor referred me, but Mt. Sinai takes self referrals

Start laser hair removal

Book a consultation (I am here)

Go to laser frequently enough to satisfy surgeon

Convince Mom and Dad to help out DONE

Get 2 letters

Social Worker (1)

PCP's Office

Social Worker (2)

Mt. Sinai

Get a gender affirmation loan through the local credit union

Work two weeks so I can take in pay stubs

Get a letter from anybody (probably my HRT prescriber

Meet with representative and either open a line of credit or take out a loan

Consultation with Mt. Sinai’s team

Wait 3-6 months (I’m here)

Bring letters

My insurance only requires 2, less than Mt. Sinai thinks insurance will need, and Mt. Sinai provides 1 of them. Meaning the other is through IHS Behavioral

Schedule Social Work pre surgical consult appt

Schedule Mental Health and Medical Clearance with Registrar

Go to NYC for 1-2 nights, maybe for each, hopefully just once

Maybe also for Social Work thing

Consult with Surgeon

Wait until I’ve worked about 12 months to get short term disability

Probably summer (ASAP) and when Mom has time off

Do logistics

Book an airbnb, hotel, etc for recovery

Starting a few days after OR date and lasting a little over a month

Within a 90 minute drive of Mt. Sinai

Rural enough that Mom is comfortable to help and can go home if someone else shows up

Probably New Jersey, maybe Hudson Valley

Has at least 1, preferably 2, separate bedrooms

Has 2 beds

Has ADA accessible entry

Has a kitchen

Has a full bath, preferably and a half

Has internet and preferably a TV

Lodging for Mom + Dad/care team while I’m in OR

Probably 5-7 days

Preferably with a 1-2 day buffer period before OR date (included in the 7 day estimate) so I can enjoy the city

Either within a short walk from Mt. Sinai or on the same subway line as Mt. Sinai

RW, 1, or ACE

Someone to help me get from recovery location to Mt. Sinai while not in NYC

Develop and get list of items needed for recovery

Dilator

Pads

Gowns/loose clothing

Comfort food

Coordinate missing 8-9 weeks of work

Take care with who knows what before I leave

Inform HR, department manager, and work friends whats up

Get cleared for surgery and get an OR date

Probably a 6-12 month date from clearance

Get pre clearance testing through PCP or a lab in hometown

Go to NYC for that if need be

Week Before Surgery

No alcohol, no aspirin, NSAIDs, herbal supplements, or fish oil

Consult for other non aspirin blood thinners (which I am not on)

No alcohol for 3 weeks after as well

Tylenol/Acetaminophen is okay

Go downstate

See friends from NYC?

Bring Mom/Dad?

Do something fun in Manhattan

Get a COVID test

Take an anti-bacterial bath

Day before surgery

Breakfast before 9am

Last meal

Drink Golytely bowel solution around noon

Chemically induced diarrhea

Clear fluids only after golytely

(includes coffee, tea, water, broth, some juices)

Nothing goes in the stomach after midnight

Some medication okay with a sip of water

HRT???

Get surgery (a penile inversion vaginoplasty)

1 to 1+½ days

I’ve heard of as long as three

3-5 day hospital stay

Mom and Dad probably stay in Manhattan then

Go to recovery location

Drive with seat reclined

Stay for 4 weeks, pretty much bedridden

Go to follow ups

Dilate

Go home

Continue recovery for another 2-4 weeks at home

Follow up with PCP

Return to life

[trashmouth-richie]

WE’RE THE LAST IN LINE: 4

PART: 1 | 2 | 3 | 5

mechanic!Eddie x Fem!Reader

Modern AU

W.C 2.5k

A/N: Part 4 is finally here!

Since that night, you had woken up to Eddie’s little “Good Morning” texts all week. They started out normal, a simple, “Good Morning,” but the more and more you two talked, the more sweet and goofy they became. For you it was just nice to have someone to talk to, something to look forward to every morning, and Eddie never failed to make you smile.

For Eddie, it was refreshing to talk to someone who genuinely asked how he was doing, and wanted to know how his day was. Instead of the one way constant texts and calls from her. From the moment she woke up to the moment she fell asleep it never stopped. But you? You were different. And Eddie was finding himself smiling at work thinking about the texts you would send him. He couldn’t stop thinking about you. Finding it easier to wrap himself up thinking of your texts than the doom that followed him wherever he went.

You were practically giddy on Saturday as you came in early to open the shop. Skipping with joy over to Pete’s laptop to start up his weekend playlist. Dancing as you looked over the books at the incoming appointments. And your heart beat faster as you skimmed down the names and your eyes rested upon the name your mind hadn’t stopped racing thinking of, 10:45–EDDIE. Your job on weekends was to call all the appointments for the day and to make sure people would still be arriving on time, or if they needed to reschedule. First appointment was a woman named Marcia, who confirmed “yes” to her cover up at 8:30. The next appointment was a man by the name of Bulldog, he was getting a Prince Albert piercing done by Ziggy at 9:30, he confirmed “fuck yeah” to his appointment. And the next appointment for Pete was Eddie. You thought about texting him but decided against it and called him from the work phone instead.

“P-p-PETE! what’s up man?” Eddie shouted through the receiver.

“Definitely not Pete, it’s y/n,” you say with a laugh. “I’m just calling to confirm your 10:45 with p-p-PETE.”

“Wow, I certainly know how to make an ass out of myself don’t I?” Eddie laughs, “yeah I’ll be there, the real question is when does Pete’s apprentice get to stop practicing on the fake stuff and practice on someone real?”

“Ahh, that would be up to Pete. His apprentice is ready but she’s not sure that Pete thinks the same.” a smile is plastered so hard on your face you don’t recognize yourself in the mirror as you pass by.

“Well, how about a little birdie talks with Pete about it and let’s the apprentice, try—- okay I’m getting confused, I’m gonna talk to Pete and see if he will let you give me a tattoo today, ‘kay?”

“W-what? Eddie!” Your mind is going a thousand miles a minute, you were excited to be given an opportunity like this but on him?, you touching his skin? What if he hates it? What if he never came back into the shop again?! A million different scenarios ran through your mind as your tongue got more and more tied. “I-I don’t want to ruin you.”

Eddie lets out a loud belly deep laugh, “oh honey you’re far too sweet to ruin me.” Eddie slams his phone repeatedly into his head, “just uhh—yeah— I’ll talk to Pete and see what he thinks, so yes, count me in for you doing me at the appointment… uh— what’s that? Yeah ok! Sorry I gotta go! Bye…. MOTHER F—”

Click

Eddie can’t believe that you make him this nervous, nervous to the point that he can’t even talk right. He shakes his head as the heat from his cheeks start to subside.

Giggling you write down that Eddie confirmed his appt as you stare longingly at his name. God, what if Pete actually let you practice on him?

The morning flew by. Pete managed to change Marcia’s hodgepodge of a butterfly into a beautiful black and white rose. According to the blood curdling screams from Ziggy’s back corner, the Prince Albert piercing that Bulldog got was going well. Just waiting for 10:45 to see Eddie’s cute, infectious smile warm the place up. As always you heard Eddie’s motorcycle before you saw him. Perking up a bit and running your fingers through your hair, you apply a generous amount of chapstick to your lips and rub them together before Eddie is opening the door.

“Pete!” Eddie calls swith a cupped hand to his mouth, he’s wearing all black, from his hair down to his boots, he looks like a metal grim reaper dripping of sex and smelling of smoke. He somehow looked hotter and hotter every time you saw him. Blood rushed to your cheeks as he gazed at you with those dark chocolate eyes, winking as he strolled up to the desk. “Uh 10:45 for Sir Edward Munson.” Eddie says with a British accent.

“Edward huh?” You say with a giggle as you mark him checked in on the iPad. “So formal.”

“Yeah I didn’t uh think that through,” Eddie says shaking his head and pinching the corners of his eyes, “please don’t ever call me that, sounds like I’m a vampire hunter from colonial times.” He says with a laugh leaning on the counter. His face inches from your own. His eyes are the deepest pools of melted chocolate, you almost look for Augustus Gloop as you stare into them. “It’s good to see you, funny how I have to go to your work to finally see the girl I text non stop, when we are literally, next door neighbors.” He smiles as he pops a piece of orbit into his mouth, winking again as he munches on his gum.

“Dude ya gonna flirt all day or do you want this shit done?” Pete emerges from the back room rubbing his black latex gloved hands together.

Eddie’s cheeks pink as he pushes off the desk and walks to Pete. “Sorry my guy, hey I was thinking… what if your apprentice,” he says motioning to you, “were to test her skills on me?”

Pete ponders the idea, “what do you think? Ya think you’re ready? I mean it’s just Eddie.”

“Hey!”

You shrug nonchalantly as if you aren’t internally screaming, “I mean I’d like to see where I’m at, and if Eddie is willing..”

“Look at him,” he says motioning to Eddie’s puppy dog eyes, “he’s practically drooling at the thought of your hands on ‘em, come on then. Grab your shit.”

You grab all the essentials needed, and Eddie takes a seat in the chair. “So uh, what are you thinking of getting, and where?”

“Well since this is your first tattoo I’m gonna let you pick.” He leans forward and takes off his shirt. His body is covered in various different tattoos, all patchwork. Except for the Chrissy tattoo. Avoiding staring for too long at the name that has haunted your dreams, you trail your fingers down his arm and find room down by his wrist.

You get the colors needed, and begin sketching as Eddie talks to Pete. A rough draft is drawn up and the final design is put on the transfer paper. Pete looks at it with eyebrows raised. “I mean he’s got weirder shit done, did you see the Land Before Time tattoo I did a few years ago by his elbow?”

“Leave my tree star alone man,” Eddie says proudly displaying it as he cranes his elbow, “shit looked delicious don’t even lie to yourself.”

You let out a loud laugh, he was such a little kid you couldn’t help but snicker at the shit he said on a daily basis. “Alright I’m gonna put the stencil down now so look away, I want you to be surprised!”

The entirety of the tattoo took around three hours. Eddie was probably the easiest person to work on because he already had so many it really didn’t bother him at all. He just sat and talked to Pete about projects he was working on in the garage that week, how he was going to store his motorcycle and start driving the 4Runner again since winter was right around the corner.

You finish the last pieces up and Pete steps over to take a look, “wow, fuck y/n this is good!”

“Really?”

“Yeah, why would I lie?” Pete says as he wipes the green soap solution off one last time. “Alright dude, she’s done and this thing is fucking awesome.” Eddie jumps up as he makes his way to the mirror, you stand back shyly as you clean up.

“Shut the fuck up, the pink Power Ranger!” The smile on Eddie’s face is damn near ear to ear, “And what is she holding?”

“Oh ya know?” you tease, “just a cup of sugar.”

You didn’t think Eddie’s smile could break any wider but it does, “I love it! Oh my God this is the coolest tattoo, no offense Pete, that I’ve gotten yet.” Eddie steps towards you and swoops you into a hug, spinning you around. He sets you down gently and keeps his hands on your upper arms, “Uhh— thank you, it’s seriously so badass, you did an incredible job.”

Eddie is staring straight into your soul, his eyes are bright and full of infatuation. He hasn’t stopped smiling since he got to Pete’s earlier today and it was because of you. He had wanted to see you all week but was content with the texts you sent him throughout the day. He didn’t want to ruin a good thing— if there even was a thing to talk about between the two of you. Only one way to find out, and he was praying like hell that the Gods of awkwardness would settle themselves long enough for him to ask.

“Hey, when are you off work today? Do you maybe wanna— I don’t know, grab a pizza and watch some scary movies at my place?” He smiled shyly down at you, cheeks fluttering pink, “I’ll even pick you up.” he says with a wink.

You would be lying to yourself if you hadn’t developed small, sweet, ooey gooey, feelings for him. He was affectionate, charming, goofy and extremely down to earth. You would be out of your mind and foolish if you were to say no. “What time?”

Eddie wasn’t kidding when he said he would pick you up, he knocked on your door at quarter to 7, carrying a single rose. He was wearing two silver chains, a long sleeved black shirt and a pair of black jeans and boots. He had on the rings he always wore, and a smile that could make Colgate jealous. “I thought about bringing the sugar over but since you permanently marked me with it I figured I already am bringing it wherever I go.”

You chuckle as Eddie takes you in, you’re wearing a pair of leggings with fuzzy socks rolled over top and an oversized crewneck sweater with ghost face on the front of it, he’s kicking his feet holding a pink phone, a speech bubble over his head reads, “no you hang up first”.

“Okay and props to you for the ‘Scream’ sweater, I don’t care what anyone says, it’s the best franchise out there!” Eddie grins, handing you the rose.

“It was the first scary movie I've ever seen.” you take the rose and inhale it’s beautiful aroma, you turn slow and grab a small vase from your kitchen and fill it with water. Plucking the rose inside of it. “This is beautiful, Eddie, thank you.”

He blushes slightly and hides his face with his hair. “You ready to go? I figured we could hop over to my place and then order the pizza if that’s cool with you?” You lock your door and walk the 8 steps to Eddie’s apartment. His apartment is identical to yours only backwards. Your kitchen is on the left of your apartment, his on the right. The walls in his living room are bare, a lamp beside the big sectional couch provided soft lighting, the tv is the size of the wall it’s hanging from, a small bookcase sits in front of the living room window holding some little odds and ends.

“This is nice, cozy.” You smile looking around some more.

“Eh, it’s alright, not as loved as your place but I do have the bigger tv.”

After much discussion about whether pineapple belongs on pizza or not Eddie orders a large pizza, half canadian bacon and pineapple the other half pepperoni. You excuse yourself to the bathroom as he picks out a good movie. His bathroom is like any other 20 something year old males bathroom. A single towel, a gray shower curtain with a matching rug, toothbrush and toothpaste on the counter, a roll of toilet paper on the back of the toilet. You're pleasantly surprised when you find a bottle of handsoap, but being a mechanic he probably actually uses it.

“And if you’re wrong about the pizza?” You ask him returning from the bathroom and plopping down next to him, “What do I get in return if it’s gross?”

Eddie turns to face you as he wets his lips, “oh I’ll think of something.” He looks so fucking good right now you hardly realized how close you were moving in. His hand gently moves to your chin as he pulls you closer. Your lips party slightly aching to feel his lips against yours. All the pining stares, stolen glances and late night texts were finally building and now exploding around this moment.

A knock on the door breaks the tension between yours and Eddie’s lips. “Saved by the Bell” Eddie grins as he gets his wallet for a tip. He opens the door casually as his eyes are casted downward fishing in his wallet.

A shriek you’re sure is one decibel away from only being heard by dogs bounced off every surface of Eddie’s apartment and rings in your ears.

“WHO THE HELL IS SHE?!”

Eddie nearly fainted at the sight of her, color rushing from his cheeks as his eyes go dark with pure hatred, what the fuck is she doing here? The woman in question?

Chrissy

Taglist: @boomhauer @sidthedollface2 @b-irock @creoleguurl @tlclick73 @manda-panda-monium @audhd-dragonaut @emxxblog @jadequeen88 @edsforehead @quinnsgrapejuice @idkidknemore @bebe0701 @mandyjo8719 @chelebelletx @big-ope-vibes

[doulayogimama]

Therapy is magical when you find a good therapist. Damn. Only two marriage sessions and we are on a different plane.

I’ve never felt baby fever at this point in my cycle (about to get my period) since before I had S. I’m actually excited at the idea of TTC after my allergy appointment. That’s in April. I could technically be pregnant by the late Spring / early summer. Sky could be a big sister soon.

Kevin has wanted a second baby for a long time and hasn’t pressured me because he gets it. I didn’t have a good time being pregnant or the 2 years that followed. But I have to remember: I was pregnant and gave birth during a worldwide pandemic for crying out loud.

I had no visitors in the hospital. My mom didn’t meet her grandchild until she was 6 weeks old. If I have terrible “morning sickness” again and I have to go under GA again for the birth, it will still be so different. The C-section would be planned. My family will be in the waiting room, they will change the diapers while I recover and sleep. They will come to my house every day to help us.

I told Kevin that if he promises we move to Miami in Oct / Nov, we can start TTC right after my allergist appt and he was like SOLD!!!! 😂

He hates the idea of renting and this will put off our meditation center plans for a couple years, but he really wants another baby more than anything. And I won’t do pregnancy and birth without my family again, I just won’t. I love my in laws but it’s simply not the same. I need my mom, my Mimi. Even my dad and stepmom. I need them all during this period. I learned that the hard way.

I’m really excited. I’ve traveled enough to know that I don’t think we will ever find the “perfect” place to live. I’m from Miami. Kevin is from NY. We are very attached to our families, so it is what it is. We will always travel and enjoy the world, but the East coast is it.

I can’t believe it: I’m excited about having another baby. I wasn’t sure if this day would ever come.

[toinfinitywinning]

It’s the dangdest thing. Good Doctor visits for acute Illness gone wrong feel 100% better if you leave not feeling worse. Yesterday and today have been 2 days I’d like to forget. Second time I’ve opened my phone today other than to talk with one of 4 Georgetown pharmacies bartering prices while my IVIG clearance is literally just a button click away. Or a✔ yes or no situation. Those decisions have zero emotional attachment to the result. Like Dr. appts Insurance is nice when they’re nice!

I have this renowned Doctor taking special interest in Long-Haul with so much promise…but on a piece of paper. I do not mean that in disrespect—it’s the closest I can explain to how unsettling this whole Virus is for everyone. We see and read things, and yet Covid is still basically a lil’ bit older than a toddler and nothing is that certain and not one of millions of us with longhaul are exactly following the same treatment Plan. Now, this goes for a lot of situations looking for healing in any Way, a cure, but it’s so obvious how far away we might be to understanding this. And that is NOT the doctor’s fault or the scientists working to find something out. There is a difference I’ve found with all my docs that they’ve taken the initiative to keep up with not only their Specialty but as it relates to Covid. I don’t often let myself think about why I’m not getting results and moving backwards in several…areas, but that’s just b/c I feel like it comes off as whiney and needy. But I’d like some. And yet I tell myself that it could be worse or could be dying under concrete or completely bedridden.

Then I realize the two aren’t necessarily comparable and it’s okay to both hold Deep sadness in one shaky hand and sadness in the other for completely a different reason. They can mix. If we don’t allow ourselves to Release from compartmentalization for a bit we might find at least one thing pain and exhaustion and yes suffering we didn’t know existed in mine or anyone’s body!

I have major Anxiety about appointments. B/c the price I Pay having to concentrate and be present and polite and play act you’re in an Easter story just is unfair. Now reading that sounds simple. No gray. Or, Wow, having to concentrate obviously & be present, wake yourself. B/c nothings’s going to be new as in better Right now but you trust the doctors you’re seeing and their integrity and passion to heal and stay current. And as much as I’d like to only celebrate Jesus’ return in several weeks, it feels selfish to say, “well what about us?” It shouldn’t be like this. Either or. It is what it is…no it is never that. At some point I believe there will be a choice. Who knows when or where or why. Just something we’ll feel Led to address and answer.

Curtain.

Lemme get this in…

PS: C’mon young Cats. We looove this Team and want them to succeed so badly b/c we’ve seen it manifest!! We cannot make another defamation record of 4 consecutive home losses. But if any yung Cat happens to see this— no it’s not fair you have the weight of 9 years of mostly irrelevant KY Basketball (given our outrageous expectations but I’ll give in a little) with no Final Four’s or Championship’s, but this Team is special.

[this-is-me19]

News to me: Ehlers Danlos Syndrome is all about a lack of absorbing nutrients, vitamins, mineral, and WATER

I actually new the first part of that because taking supplements in gummy or capsule form makes the vitamins more readily available for your body to absorb—still take two (2) weeks to start noticing anything—and income across a study where they treated EDS as vitamins deficiencies which solved a lot of secondary symptoms the people had, but I did NOT know water was in that list too.

My best friend who also had hypermobility and in the process, if I recall right, to get diagnosed with EDS, has the same issue. Their solution is to drink Liquid I.V. (strawberry flavor).

Before I continue, I am not a sponsor or affiliate in any way with the company. I am a consumer who was recommended the product by a friend who also suffers with chronic dehydration.

TMI below the cut.

The changes I have noticed with Liquid I.V. are as follows:

I pee more often from a full bladder, more than four (4) times a day, which is needed for someone like me who has had multiple UTIs and cystitis twice this year, all potentially caused by dehydration. I have a Urologist appt to discuss at the end of the month.

I have bowel movements (BM) daily— being one, technically, 10 different medications for various reasons can lead to serious constipation which can be bad and cause serious health issues, like stretched intestines and compacting, which could have happened more easily to me due to the fact that I rare had a BM. I don’t know about you but when I’m backed up. It can lead to headaches, body aches, and even serious lower back pain. Your intestines can move and change shape or even stretch which can press on muscles which can press on joints and nerves. The human body is a wonderful, strange thing.

I have more energy — dehydration can lead headaches, fatigue, tiredness, and similar.

I don’t wake up with dry mouth anymore— I use a CPAP and it’s one of the biggest complaints for users even with a humidifier. Since I started this, I have yet to have dry mouth upon waking.

That’s all I got so far. Feel free to ask me questions! ❤️❤️❤️

[nathank77]

4/29/24

6:

So l struggled to fall asleep, I took one 25MG of Hydroxyzine, and one 25MG of Benadryl around 9 a.m, I passed out rapidly. I woke up around 3:30 p.m. I slept straight through. I only got like 6 1/2 hours...

Erin canceled again...if only Erin told me she was going to cancel earlier instead of at our appt time... I could have fallen back to sleep and got 7 hours. I see her Thursday. I'm going to the ultrasound tomorrow. I'm taking a 1MG tonight around 4:30 a.m. so I can make it there by 4 p.m with a full bladder.

The cardiologist has been trying to fit me in, calling me everyday, that's a good thing. I am seeing the doctor on May 6th, at 3 p.m. so that's awesome. Minus the fact that it's the same week as my testosterone shot, so I'll have to take a 1MG Monday and Wednesday to make both appts but whatever.

The following week I have my insomnia appt at 3 p.m on Tuesday and then my disability appt on Friday at 1:30 p.m. so I have to take a 1MG Tuesday and Friday that week.

I'm worried about it but the appts are majorly important and I'm sure once I get the heart monitor I'll be seen within a couple weeks after, for the diagnosis....

Anyways, I'm doing my bedding today and I'm going to try to do all my laundry, it piled up fast but the bedding comes first.

I also ordered 2 more 30 pack gummies of the CBD. I've been taking 100MG a day. I haven't noticed much of a difference but it's early and it builds ups.

I am not going to shower today, I did technically at 4:30 a.m anyways. Also-the Ultrasound is going to make me all nasty tomorrow. So I'll shower when I come home tomorrow.

I fucking hate laundry day. I'm going to try to game and if it doesn't work out, I'm going to watch American Dad. I'm going to try to restore my cloud saves.

I guess I'm going to proceed on my Kristen Report as of Wednesday or Thursday. Regardless of Erin bc I have no choice cause I've been sitting on it for too long and in traumatized.

I really need therapy after that dream and everything I'm going through and Erin had canceled like 4 times in a row. I guess I'm going this alone and I only have Mike on Wednesday if she cancels Thursday.

[theghostus]

Hey, you...

It's been 6 months since my last update. Fuck.

Since then, I've had 2 jobs. Both are full-time, yet something in them didn't click for me.

My first job was at a physio clinic. I thought, well, during the interview, the Head of Operations summarised the job involved simple 4 things. I was like, cool, it was something I could do. Just do the damn job and go home. Turns out, it needs a lot of my peopling skills. Juggling to do the daily job (talking and scheduling appt based on the treatment plan given), the needing to follow up with clients (and no-show ones) to the daily closing. Not including the therapists' different personalities. The daily meetings (omg). At the end of the day, I was emotionally exhausted. I was stretching myself thin. When I was hired, there were 3 of us. One by one, quit due to reasons, including yours truly. The management assured me they would be hiring more, but I couldn't see myself doing the same thing repeatedly without completing the tasks set out the day before. I don't know what this is. I supposed it's the perfectionist in me, or I'm just nuts.

For the next job, I succumbed to desperation. I agreed blindly, which I came to regret tremendously. The first day was suspiciously relaxed. After all, it's the first day. Lots of writing in my notebook (god damn, y'all don't know how many notebooks I've gone through) and taking the lead from my senior. The second day was a little more hectic but still able to cope with my senior help. Third to the Fourth day, she was on MC. That's when things took a dive. The other admin (seniors) started to push coz they saw me doing nothing. Like, duh, my senior taught me for 2 days; how would I know what I was supposed to do. Oh oh...I forget to tell you. They actually keep track of what tasks admins do. I mean for every 15 min interval. Made me key in all the tasks I had done for the day. Honestly, on the first day, I realised this job was not for me, but I still gave the job a chance. Maybe just maybe, this is just a fluke, you know. Like the day I came in happened to be a busy day. Nope, I was wrong. I was hired as a receptionist with a 45min lunch. Wow. I had to take the mail daily during my lunch. You know why, so the person covering me can update me if anything comes (courier, incoming docs) during lunchtime. Cool. I thought Chinatown was bad...fucking hell, the area was worse. Only 1 Malay food (okay, okay, I'm not exactly practising Muslim, but still, if I'm going eat the Indian food there, it's going dig into my savings) and 7-11 for lunch. Plus, I need my daily cig input. Already I was sucking 4 sticks a day. Sigh. Still, I preserved, hoping I could get through the week. On the fourth day, the senior admin lead gave me a 2hr one to one tutor. So I'm expected to understand and master MYOB in 3-4 days. Well, she didn't need to. She said since she was free, she could. Her time, her call. Each day, I found it hard to complete the timesheet as I didn't meet the 8.75 hrs.

So the Fifth day came, and my senior was still on leave. The lead senior (asst to manager *eye roll*) had expectations that I to be an outgoing person, which I never was when we first met. I know I'm supposed to fake until I make it, but I can no longer do that. Maybe because I have nothing that drives me like before (the evil house). Yes, I'm an anxious empath. I guess that's the problem. I have always found it hard to approach people. I always try to read their body language and expressions. Well, back to the bitch. She got frustrated because I didn't ask the accounts for their dustbins. After all, they always do their housekeeping (vacuuming, throwing the rubbish in the baskets) on Fridays. I mean, 1 team were out for a meeting, so I was supposed to tell them about the throwing the rubbish thing. However, when I thought my other colleague (let's call her Shorty) had informed them, I mean, let's divide and conquer for the 1st week, right? Nope. Strike 1. That's not what the bitch wants me to do. "When I told you to tell/ask/check them for their waste basket, I don't need to tell you how to do right?" So I went to tell/ask/check the rest of the office and collect the rest of them. By then, I had already gone down with Shorty to the bin and returned. "You have to tell/ask/check coz they're busy with work. Now you have to go down again!" Strike 2. After everything has settled, my manager asks to see her. She discussed with me how my week was going. Obviously, I got complained, yet she said I 'observed'. She said all the BS that I knew was coming. I lied again about the difficulties I had. Then she mentioned I opened the wrong client mail and 'explained' the importance of checking and making sure. I truly believed that I was right. Till I check again, to my horror. I opened the wrong mail. Strike 3. I had to cover my tracks. I notice one of the mail is missing. I assumed that's how she knew. I told myself to fuck it. I don't care about the job anymore. I was so mad at myself and everyone I left without switching off the lights and the mail on the table. When I reached the train station, my conscience didn't allow me to board. Thankfully I had not tapped in. I turned around and walked back 10mins. Grabbed the mail, walked 10 mins to the mailbox, and boarded the train. It was the only right thing I had to do when I served my notice on Monday.

Both jobs, of course, the hirer was shocked. I didn't give a damn about what they thought. As usual, I lied; otherwise, they would want to rectify what went wrong. At least at the clinic, I had a few folks chat with me, not about the job. I was super miserable at the accounting firm. I know I said I don't need anyone. Besides but no one went to lunch at the same time as me except the bitch and shorty. The first day, the bitch offered to have lunch together my brain wanted to say yes, but my mouth said no. Good thing I didn't.

So now I'm still unemployed.

It's 3 days till Xmas. One week till 2023.

3 months till my 40th.

Sigh.

I still have this MOE interview pending next year. That's my last full-time interview. After this, I'm done.

I'm just looking for temp jobs...I can't handle the pressure of expectations and being around people. Gonna look for WFH job if I can find one. At least it saves me the transport and lunch money.

Sigh.

2023. Please be kind.

21/12/22

[akikn123]

So much and yet so little going on...

Covid hit our house. My 14 year old (he is vaccinated) said he felt off and a bit weird. He had just been off for Christmas break so I felt it was the right thing to do to give him a home test before we sent him back to school/basketball. It was positive faster than a pregnancy test. He literally slept in, asked for a few more hours woke up with zero symptoms, so I tested again. Same result. I isolated him to his room, call the school, and took him for a pcr...positive. All my kids had to stay home. I work from home, that was tough. My 20 year old lives with my 80 year old mom. He called me and said he woke up with a fever, feeling terrible (he is unvaccinated) ran there and gave him a test it was instantly positive. We isolated him to his room.

For 10 days at my house with one bathroom we made my 14 year old isolate, wear an n95 when he came out of his room to use the bathroom, followed him with bleach for everything he touched. Thankfully none of the rest of us caught it. Also he never had a single symptom. Keeping a kid who feels healthy isolated, out of school (he tried virtual he almost just can't with his adhd and dyslexia) was the roughest part. He is also the starting point guard on his high school basketball team. I had to get him a cardiac exam by his pediatrician to allow him to play again. Explaining to me why a VIRTUAL dr appt for his heart is required for an asymptomatic kid is beyond my comprehension. He's been back a week and is struggling to catch up, but we are thankful as well as we know we are lucky. He misses him home door dashers. We left all meals, drinks outside his door for the entire isolation period.

My 20 year olds main mission was not getting my mom sick. He did a good job she is fully vaccinated and boosted, used gloves, and her n95 to leave him meals... he stayed isolated in his room and bathroom. She has 2 bathrooms. He said it felt like really bad allergies for 2 days, otherwise just mild fatgiue that if he didn't know he had covid wouldn't have stopped him from his usual activities. Also mucinex helped a lot. He didn't want vaccinated before, no way he will now as he feels he doesn't need it.

I just thought I'd share as I've been scared since this pandemic began of it hitting our house. I'm relieved we are ok and consider us extremely lucky and thankful.

Baby Boy's adoption homestudy is moving forward. All paperwork is in and moving downstream. I have guilt about stopping fostering while also relief. I really love the balance in our house. The 1x1 with the little ones when we are out. Also excited about some activities we can all start doing together with older kids. Although it is weird to not have any in diapers!

[vintagepigeon]

Buckle up, bitches. I’m going to tell you how dick saved my life.

A little over a year ago, ya girl got some hankerin for dick. Now, because I am the way I am, it had been a while since I’d rode the fuck truck to pound town. Many moons, a hot minute….years. It had been YEARS.

So ya girl gets on a few dating apps, starts to swiping and decides to see where it goes. Things did not go well at first. Which it was my own fault for having my hopes up. They were dating apps. Full of men.

After a bit, I finally basically gave up and decided “bitch, we gonna fuck the next motherfucker that messages us and doesn’t give off Hannibal Lecter vibes.”

Here’s where the savior (or not, he destroyed me and saved me at the same time?) shows up. Let’s call him Dick. Now, Dick seemed chill when chatting on the dating app so I slid him the digits. He was still chill when texting. Dick kept saying he had a big package but most dudes say that. Let’s reserve judgement for in person. Even pics can be faked with the right angle.

So we set up a date and time to meet for coffee and see how it went. If the vibes were good, then we were gonna go get our fuck on.

Coffee went well, so we’re off to the Dickdown Races. It started off okay. He went downtown and it honestly wasn’t all that great. I’ve had better, but I’ve had way worse. He got home girl wet, but it was mostly his own slobber.

Then he whips it out. Y’all…Dick wasn’t lying. He was big. Huge. Massive. Like right out of a porno. I was TERRIFIED. I had never had a dick that big and how the fuck did he think it was gonna fit?! Heads up…it didn’t. Ya girl got torn. It was bad. There was so much blood it looked like a fucking murder scene.

I expected fuckin Criminal Minds or CSI to bust in any minute and start looking for a dead body. It was so bad ol Dick stopped and asked if I was okay. I. Was. Not.

I have never left a place so quick. I left $40 on the dresser for new sheets and fucking booked it out that bitch. On my way home I pulled over and furiously googled “torn vagina from big ol dick” to see how long I had left to live. I wasn’t ready to die. I didn’t even have a fucking will (still don’t).

The great and wonderful google told me it was normal and should stop in a few hours/days. It didn’t. The bleeding got less and less but was still there. Out of fear for my pussy, I scheduled a GYNO appt and hoped they wouldn’t have to stitch my kitty.

The doc takes one look and said “Okay, so Madonna, if you don’t use it then you lose it. She tightened up from not getting laid. Next time you want to like a virgin, use lube” Those are exact words. They are burned into my brain. God bless that doctor. She’s hella chill. She also told me “there’s not a damn thing wrong with getting some strange and hooking up with weirdos from the internet but make sure to use protection. Those same weirdos that give good dick can also give bad STDs”

During the exam, she did notice (or feel? Idk) something off so she scheduled an ultrasound the following week. An intravagainal ultrasound. So there I was, getting this wand shoved up and wiggled around in my poor, abused kitty.

A mass was found. The doctor scheduled a biopsy 2 weeks later. Fun fact, uterine biopsy’s fucking hurt. You get zero meds, just a tube shoved through the hole in your cervix, a grippy tool put in the tube and a small chunk of your uterus lining ripped the fuck out. I almost kicked my doc in the face.

The results came back a few weeks later. It was a precancerous mass. A D&C was scheduled. The results from that showed more precancerous cells than previously thought.

A hysterectomy was done June 2021. The after surgery pathology found stage 1 uterine cancer. I’m considered in remission & see a cancer doc every 3 months to make sure it hasn’t come back.

That’s how a big dick saved my life.

I haven’t had sex since then. Mark me down as scared and not horny when it comes to dick. Even fake dick. 😂

[becomingdrmommy]

Today I get to celebrate Mother’s Day with the absolute love of my life. I have never in my life felt my heart as full as it is now. My precious baby boy was born last week at 5:47am and I can’t even find the words to describe how I feel. As I lay here watching him nap, I am amazed at not only myself, but at him and this amazing being that he is already. I can’t believe he’s already a week old.

So, birth story. I first noticed contractions around 11pm. They felt similar to the Braxton Hicks, but different at the same time. I went to the bathroom & noticed some bloody discharge. We had sex earlier so I didn’t pay it any mind tbh. It seemed like contractions were increasing in intensity and pretty quickly so I took out my app and decided to time them. Approx. 2 minutes apart and lasting about 1 minute each. Because I live so close to the hospital (and I was in denial I was in labor lol) I labored at home for another 2 hours. My water hadn’t broken so I wasn’t too concerned. But the intensity was not letting up so I finally convinced myself I was in labor. I could barely talk through the contractions when we decided to leave. We got to the hospital and I was 6cm. 100% effaced, 0 station. At this point, I’m begging for pain meds. I had just got to my L&D room. I originally wanted to go natural, but I couldn’t take it anymore. I needed something to take the edge off. I got checked & found out I was 8cm, 100% & at +3. Too far along for IV or an epidural. It was only about 45 minutes between triage and getting to my L&D room, but I was progressing quickly. Now I’m freaking out. I always said I was going to be controlled, but I was screaming and everything. My nurse was actually a friend which gave me an added comfort. I was begging her to just slide something into my IV. Luckily, I hit transition quickly. I only pushed for like 30 minutes. Once my OB got there, baby was out in 3 pushes. No epidural, no IV meds, no tearing. I’m extremely proud of myself. From the time I noticed contractions to birth, it was about 6 hours total. I got to the hospital around 1am so once I arrived, it was only 4 hours until baby arrived. It was such a surreal experience. I’m amazed at what my body was capable of doing. I’m amazed at my son.

He is so perfect in every single way. 7 pounds, 10 oz. 21 inches of love. All of his vitals were great. He’s eating and voiding like he should. When we went for his check up appt, he had already made it back to his birth weight. The only concern was a bit a jaundice, but his bili levels came back within a normal limit so we’re in the clear. He’s just the sweetest baby. He doesn’t really cry or fuss (unless I’m taking too long to whip my breast out lol) all he does is eat and sleep. His little baby cuddles are the absolute best. I could hold him all day.

I am walking away with an umbilical hernia which were hoping will go away on its own and won’t need surgical repair. It seems to be going down and it’s no longer painful. Keeping it wrapped up until my follow up appt. I’m still sore, but at a manageable pain level. The exhaustion is real. Sleep when the baby sleeps is cute advice, but let’s be real...there is still cleaning to be done, eating, enjoying a moment of stillness lol. Our moms have been “helpful.” I expected them to be helping with cooking and cleaning, but all they do is sit and hold and play with our son. And then get mad when we get up to clean and everything. Talking about, “y’all need to rest.” Well we could rest if you’d help us out. I’m kind of just ready to be alone with our baby. All in all, this week has been absolutely amazing. I’m officially a mom and I’m so in love with this new title that I’ve gained. He means the absolute world to me and it’s hard to imagine a life without him. He’s so perfect. I love him so much.

[unwelcomebraininvaders]

Background info

Unwelcome invaders of my brain

i decided to share this story for anyone who is interested for two reasons:

1. I believe in the power of prayer and/or intentional thoughts to heal. I could use all the prayers/intentions you can send my way starting Oct. 12.

2. It seems therapeutic at this point to write about this.

So here we go:

The first symptoms:

Back at the end of 2020 I had what I presumed was an upper respiratory infection and plugged right ear. Someone I work with had the same symptoms so I thought nothing of it. After this went on for a month or so I made an appointment with the ENT. They treated me with steroids and my symptoms did not go away. I went back and they tested my hearing. The Dr. ordered an MRI without telling me what he was suspicious of. I assumed some blockage in my ear.

The first MRI:

I go for this MRI. The next day I get an email the the results are posted in MyChart. I look at the results and they talk about two different kinds of tumors. I call my ENT and tell the front desk--"hey I'm kind of freaking out--my MRI report is posted to MyChart and it's talking about me having two different kinds of brain tumors--I don't have an appointment to see the ENT for another week. Can you get me in sooner?" The receptionist--"hmm...let me look....No sorry can't see you for a week" In my mind " @$!&*" Okay...it's up to me to look this up on Dr. Google and see what I'm dealing with. I google--Ok well at least they appear to both be benign--that's a relief. Can I just tell you the panic of not even knowing if they were cancerous or benign and having no Dr. appt for a whole week!

The ENT Visit a week later

Him: "It turns out you have an Acoustic Neuroma which is a benign brain tumor...blah blah blah "

Me in my mind: "No shit -- you are now proceeding to tell me everything I just spent the last week researching online" "Do you actually think I didn't look at the MRI report the day it was posted to MyChart"

Now what

So I spend the next several weeks researching whether to have radiation to try to kill the tumor or surgery to remove the tumor. I talk with two doctors who do radiation and three doctors who do surgery. The two who do radiation think I'm a good candidate for radiation. Two of the surgeons think I should do surgery. The third surgeon thinks I can go either way. Great! A tie!! So helpful....not! People in my personal life advocate for radiation since it's less invasive--so that becomes the tie breaker.

Radiation

I take the week off work and have radiation. It's every day for 5 days. I feel tired during that week and the following week...but then it's pretty much back to normal. Other than the hearing loss...I feel like my normal self again! Yay! This was too easy. (yes it was too easy)

3 months later

Wow I have an earache on my radiated side and feel like maybe I have a sinus infection. Go to the PA at the ENT's office....she gives me a CT scan and prescribes an antibiotic for my "infection" and steroid for my "swelling" A few days later...the pain is now stabbing in my ear and radiating down to my jaw and the right side of my neck. Hmmm...that doesn't seem normal. ENT's office is closed...talk to the ENT on call...he looks at my CT scan..."you don't have an infection" (great! so I've been taking antibiotics for nothing) Just continue taking the steroid. Fine....so now I'm also on 3000mg per day of over the counter pain meds just to keep myself somewhat out of pain. 3 weeks later I talk to the Radation oncology PA. She puts my on a different steroid. Take that for a week....no change. Finally after a month of lots of pain meds and steroids...the pain magically goes away to replaced by....facial paralysis.

Facial paralysis

Alright this kind of sucks. My right eye won't blink and the right side of my mouth doesn't do what it should. But at least the pain is gone!! So make appointments with my care team to discuss paralysis...they do another MRI. "ooh look at the the center of the tumor died like it was supposed to" uhh that's great I guess but there are some quality of life issues with a partially paralyzed face. "well we have never had a patient with your kind of tumor have facial paralysis after radiation" "we'd like you to have Avastin infusions". I think to myself--well you guys seem pretty smart...let's try it.

Avastin Infusion

It took 6 nurses to find a blood vessel to get my bloodwork done and start the IV. SIX!! Do blood vessels hide if you're scared They must. The next day oh my the pain on the side of my face again! After two weeks of respite from the pain I was oh so sad for it to be back again. I call the care team...their response "hmm...that's odd this infusion shouldn't cause pain". Umm well it did.

Exploring my next steps

Once a tumor has been radiated it is more challenging to remove. So I call up one of the top surgeons of these kinds of tumors and ask for him to let me know what my next step should be. His patient care coordinator says he actually wants to speak with me...so we have a phone call. I'm expecting him to say..."if after x number of months you aren't getting better then you should consider surgery". What he says instead is "you should get this tumor removed as soon as possible" OK then. I said, can it wait a month -- He said, sooner is better.

Timing is not the best

I guess the only way timing for something like this could be better is if you have surgery when there is no hurry. But with this timeline my challenges are:

1. I have an office remodel starting 5 days before I leave to fly down for surgery.

2. I am in the midst of hiring a new doctor. When do I onboard her

This unwanted tenant will be evicted Oct. 12

This is top priority

[beauty-brains-and-booty]

I need insight on some female-reproductive health issues I have going on.

First, I’m not asking for any sort of medical advice, simply if other people have had a similar experience or can relate. I have NO idea what’s going on, and my first appointment with my new OBGYN isn’t until the 19th. I just would like some peace of mind in the meantime I guess? Warning: I’m going to get VERY TMI and put things in a timeline.

So, a bit of backstory. I’m 26. I’ve been on birth control for over 10 years now (first the combo pill, but I had to switch due to having certain types of migraines). I’ve now been on Nexplanon (the arm implant) for almost 5 years, and yes I’ve had it replaced after the 3 year mark. Before Nexplanon, I always had heavy periods, they were regular, but rarely any PMS symptoms or cramps or anything like that. After starting Nexplanon, I only had a period about twice a year, and they were always very short and light.

Within the last yearish, I started having periods more frequently as well as PMS symptoms and cramps. They’ve now become more regular. I’ll get a period every 5 weeks now, they’re heavy, and I get terrible PMS and cramps along with them. I’ve also been having light spotting between periods too, usually around the time I’m ovulating. I realize that’s normal. However, things have become very NOT normal lately.

My last period came a week early (the standard 28 days instead of 5 weeks). It started on September 25th and ended after only 4 days and was super light compared to usual (mine usually last 5-7 days). I had one of those weird gut feelings that something wasn’t right. I ended up taking a few pregnancy tests over those days of my period just to be safe. This may seem like overkill to some, but I wanted to be absolutely sure. I took a blue dye stick test. I wasn’t sure if I saw a VERY faint 2nd blue line or it it was just my anxiety. So, I went and got that triple pack of First Response tests (pink dye, digital, and rapid result). All of them over the next few days came back negative. So I just figured everything must be fine

A week ago (1 week after my last period had started), I began having pain in my lower abdomen/pelvic area. It was a dull ache and kind of felt like I had a 10 lb rock sitting inside me. I’ve had that feeling before and it tends to go away, so I just waited it out. But then on Thursday and Friday of this week, the pain got SO much worse. I have a general dull ache in the center/left of my pelvis/lower abdomen as well as on and off sharp pains on the left side around where my ovary should be. I have a LOT of pressure too as well as spotting, on and off nausea, and an on and off low grade fever.

Yesterday (Friday) when I woke up and went to the bathroom and wiped, I had some light yellow/green discharge and a bit of pink spotting. That was the only time I’ve had that discharge. I went to urgent care, they tested me for a UTI that came back negative and said to follow up with my OBGYN and go to the ER if the pain got worse, as they were limited in what they could do for OBGYN issues. Later in the day, I started having a bit more spotting that was dark chocolate brown (sorry to make that comparison but that’s exactly what it looked like. I checked my period calendar, and based on a 28 day cycle (which my body recently decided it was going to start), this was the day I was supposed to release an egg during ovulation. I chalked it up to maybe I’m just dealing with that weird syndrome where you have spotting and some pain during ovulation.

Today (Saturday), I woke up and felt okay at first. But then as I got up and started moving around, the pain and pressure came back and it’s SO bad. It’s radiating to my lower back, hurts to move, the spotting is more to where I have to wear a pad now and is more red than brown. I’m SO bloated (which I always am to some degree, but moreso now). A few hours ago, I started getting what sort of felt like a cross between menstrual cramps and diarrhea cramps. It came in a huge wave and I immediately went to the bathroom and pooped (important because I haven’t been able to do that in days because of the pain and pressure). Felt a bit better understandably, but I’m still having more menstrual-like cramp pain in addition to the sharp pain on my left side that’s now pretty constant instead of occasional. I still feel like I have to poop, and it feels like I have an inflated water balloon on my left lower abdomen. I feel like whatever is going on down there, there’s just so much pressure that it’s pressing on my bowels and making me feel like I need to go to the bathroom when I just can’t.

I did take another pregnancy test earlier. My reasoning was if it for some reason came back positive, I might be dealing with an ectopic pregnancy. It was negative though.So now I’m stuck here wondering what stage of medical issue am I at: 1) Is my period just fucked up due to something undiagnosed like cysts or endo? 2) DO I have a cyst and that’s what’s giving me these problems? 3) (the least likely but still on my worry list) WAS I somehow pregnant and the tests came back negative because I’m going through a miscarriage now?

I don’t want to go to the ER unless I feel it’s absolutely necessary. I’ve already been twice this year for other unrelated things and know how they can be about women’s reproductive health. I’m terrified of going and them just telling me it’s IBS and an irregular period and to follow up with my OBGYN. But at the same time, I’m not sure I can wait another week and a half if this issue doesn’t start to get better. Urgent care can’t do anything. I can’t get into Planned Parenthood until AFTER my OBGYN appt is scheduled for. I may not be able to get into my primary doctor either. So I’m stuck.

Has anyone else had similar issues? What ended up being the cause? Did anything help? Currently, OTC pain meds don’t really help and I’m just in bed and only moving when I have to. I know no one can tell me with certainty what I’m dealing with, I just hate feeling confused and alone and in pain not knowing what the issue is. Thank in advance for any insight or advice or kind words.

[xleepless]

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

If you don’t like wild rides this might not be a good read for you.

fuck.

March 8th I headed to my mom’s house in the morning to have a conversation I really didn’t want to have. My relationship with her has never been great, and in my adult life we had a fight about things that I wasn’t willing to continue tolerating, so I opened up a conversation about it and how we could either move forward or I was essentially going to cut her out of my life. I left in the middle of a fight about something that I don’t remember.

On my way home, less than 5 minutes away from my apartment, I got hit by a drunk driver. I hit my head pretty hard, and while I didn’t black out, I ended up going to the ER. She was loaded into the cop car and cuffed after failing a field sobriety test just as I was being loaded into an ambulance. My mom and cousin showed up, as well as my roommate and my boyfriend, all of which followed me to the hospital. My car was towed to the shop I purchased it from, which has a collision repair center in it.

In the ER I was put into a chair, as they didn’t have any beds, and I waited for testing. My mom came back once to say hi and make sure I was okay, but for the most part my roommate and boyfriend stayed back with me. I got asked at one point if i could be pregnant, as is protocol. I told the nurse “I hope not, but I do participate in the act that causes pregnancy.” So they ran a pee test. Shortly after, they took me back for a scan of my neck and head to make sure there was nothing major. 

When the nurse came back in, she asked my roommate and boyfriend to go back into the lobby. She then explained that I had no major damage in my neck or upper back - which was a relief because I have lower back issues - just that I have major whiplash, She also told me I was pregnant, but she wanted to run a blood test and an ultrasound to make sure that it wasn’t a false positive, and that because I was in a car accident, that everything was okay. I asked for my roomie and BF to come back in, and tearfully I told them the news. After confirmation - and a surprise that my blood type isn’t what I thought it was - they ran more tests, and everything came back positive, and just a few days along.

I got home at almost midnight, and had to wake up at 430 in the morning for work. At work, I made the mistake of telling people all of what happened, including the pregnancy. I didn’t know what to do. On the one hand, I’m 24 and not ready to be a mom, I can barely pay my fucking rent. On the other hand, the guy I’m with is my first love from high school. I dated him 6 years ago, and when we split up, I miscarried shortly after. Now I’m pregnant with his kid again, and I know well enough before hand to make sure everything goes okay. I downloaded one of those What To Expect apps, and with what the doctors at the ER told me, my estimated due date would be on my birthday. People told me that couldn’t not be a sign, so in the moment I decided to keep the pregnancy.

That choice feels like it cost me a lot of friendships.

March 10, my city was shutdown because of COVID. My company sent everyone to work from home, so no one lost their jobs, thankfully. 

Over the next month, twice a week I would call in about my car. Monday calls went along the lines of “Your car’s repairs went faster than we expected, so you can come get it tomorrow” and Tuesday’s calls went along the lines of “we found another issue/a check was failed, it’ll be another week, sorry.” I don’t have rental coverage on my insurance plan, and I chose to have my insurance start on repairs immediately, so wasn’t able to get a rental car. If I chose to wait for the person that hit me’s insurance to announce fault on their end, I would have had to pay out of pocket for a rental and then after the settlement came in, I would get reimbursed. I can’t fucking afford that, so no car it was.

At some point towards the end of March and the beginning of April, I fell into a really deep depression. As soon as I learned I was pregnant, I stopped taking my antidepressants, and my anti-anxiety medications. I was in a really, really shitty place mentally, and physically without a car I felt so stuck. My roomie left to her parent’s house because my depression started to remind her of some past trauma that she couldn’t deal with, and I was trying - and failing, thankfully - to push my BF away. I came to the conclusion and realization that I don’t want to be pregnant. I don’t want to be a mom right now. So I called my mom, and I went to her house, and I called and scheduled an abortion. I won’t, and don’t want to go into too much detail here, but after I missed the first appt, i made the second, and they told me to wait a week. A week later I got it done, the second appt being on April 16. It was a two day process. Day one in the office, I took a pill to stop growth in the office, and 26 hours later I had to put 4 pills in my gums, kind of in my cheeks, and let them dissolve for 30 minutes to actually start the-... Evacuation, for lack of a better term. It was both surprising and unsurprising at the same time. The depression hasn’t quite sunk in about it yet, but I know it’s coming. 

On Tuesday, April 14, I finally got the call that my car was triple checked, and was good to be picked up the next day. On Wednesday, I got a call that my car had be fucking broken into, and now needed to be repaired and re-painted because whomever tried to break in broke fucking pieced off my car. Since this was the repair center’s fault, they issued me a rental car. The same kind of car that my Ex and his roommate and I took on a 30 hour drive each way 2 week hell trip to buttfuck nowhere south carolina to meet his mom - which is a story in and of itself that I won’t get into right now. This was the only car they had.

And that leads me up to today, April 19. My sleep schedule is fucked, my work has been kind enough to grant me the time off I needed for everything. The downside? Somehow, the choice of my termination got out, and I got a few not so nice messages from people that I work with. So that’s been fun to deal with.

So. That’s what the fuck I’ve been dealing with this quarantine season.

[nettheworldonfire]

A New Beginning

On February 11th, at 4:03 pm, while laying in bed with a napping toddler and baby, my phone rang and I listened to my oncologist tell me that I have cancer. Again.

Even though my first “you have cancer” call and my second “whoops there’s more” cancer announcement weren’t beautifully executed moments in time, they weren’t as terrifying because I didn’t hear the news while holding my sweet little babies. In 2011, I was young and life was about work and play only. Everything is different when you have kids.

Let’s rewind 40 some odd days. I had an episode of severe upper abdominal pain (worse than contractions or Whipple pains) in the first week of January that led to a primary check up, and then an oncology follow up. While both doctors felt the pain was likely related to acid reflux, neither could be certain it wasn’t something else. I hadn’t been scanned or anything for four years, so Dr. Rose felt bloodwork, a urinalysis (24 hour pee test - imagine using a jug of urine for a full day), and CT scan of my chest and abdomen with contrast would do the trick. Fast forward to this week — relatively normal blood and urine, but five or more lesions were found on my liver — two in the 3-4 cm range (for reference, my pancreatic tumor was about 8 cm, or the size of a softball).

Back in 2012, after my Whipple, I had a scan that showed some suspicious spots on my liver. During a conversation with a surgeon, I was told that I likely had recurring neuroendocrine tumors (NETs). When I asked if that meant I’d keep having surgeries into my 70s as the tumors returned, Dr. Winter assured me that I wouldn’t live that long. That metastatic NET cancer had a 5-7 year prognosis. We were shocked and scared (and a bit WTF-ish over his incredible bedside manner). After an inconclusive liver biopsy, they said I should have a liver resection to remove the lesions and hopefully rid me of cancer again. 15% of my liver removed, four days in the hospital, and a month out of work - for what ended up being benign unrelated liver spots, and a still-cancer-free diagnosis.

So of course, I asked about that again (to which I was told this is NOT the same, this is worse for sure) and that I was probably not a candidate for surgery because of how many lesions and their locations on both lobes of the liver. I’m also not a candidate for a liver transplant as a cancer patient with metastatic disease. I asked about the 5-7 year prognosis and Dr. Rose said that ten is closer to the new average (while that is significantly greater than 5, 10 years isn’t much for a 37 year old). And in more hopeful news - there are people who die WITH NET cancer and not FROM NET cancer. (This is a pretty significant distinction).

Dr. Rose asked me to bring the CD with the images and come in first thing on Tuesday 2/12. He talked to a pal in liver radiology and I am getting a biopsy with Dr. Feldstein on Monday. This should provide some answers.

The plan is to start on Somatuline (to stop the tumors from progressing) as soon as possible and with the results of the biopsy, determine a treatment plan and prognosis. Thankfully, the $14,000 Somatuline injection is covered by my insurance and may only be $35 for a three month supply.

There may be a chance for catheter embolization of my liver (cutting off the blood flow, one side at a time) or even less likely, a radical resection if they are sure the tumors aren’t growing. Now we wait for appointments and diagnostics and next steps.

In the meantime, Charlie and I are sick, Owen is falling apart (in the sweetest way), and I have to wean my super mommy-centered, cluster-feeding breastfed six month old off the nip in the next two weeks. (Please send tips. And treats).

* Dark side: Mortality is real and it’s a B.

* Bright side: Student loans die with you.

* Next steps:

2/13/20 at 2:45 pm - Labcorp bloodwork

2/13/20 at 3:30 pm - Primary doctor appt.

2/17/20 at 11:00 am - Liver biopsy under sedation

3/2/20 at 10:15 am - Oncology appt. with Dr. Rose

* Inappropriate, but totally relevant, GIF -

[sanerontheinside]

saner is a tiny bit frazzled, running around putting out a bunch of tiny fires all over the place. saner is drafting a record while all of this is fresh. saner hopes all of this will soon achieve a successful culmination.

saner is well aware that they’re not out of the woods yet.

below the cut is a working draft for a review of experience at a doctor’s office. It’s a wild ride, folks, and goes to show that saner is too tired for shit and also too damn nice.

[[MORE]]

tl;dr: spent over 3 weeks trying to get a medical device replaced because of a failure of communication for which the doctor is largely responsible

The item is functional, but loses all saved data every time you change the battery, because the internal battery has run out. This effectively means that removing the external battery for any reason disrupts connection of device to insulin pump, which it controls. Inconveniently, this means needing to change insulin pump (aka “pod”) whenever the batteries run out, regardless of whether pod has run out its 3-day fda-approved period.

(Consider: person drops PDM at work and batteries pop out. Person now needs to change pump. Person should theoretically be carrying spare insulin vial and spare pod in purse. Person is not, for various reasons, carrying spare insulin vial and pod in purse.)

Adventures as follows:

10/14: made call to insurance, was approved for full coverage of item

10/14: called Insulet corp and gave them the green light for re-ordering new device; Insulet calls doctor, submits order paperwork

10/15: Insulet sends email: “subject: reorder delay. Text: We are notifying you that we have attempted to obtain the proper paperwork from your doctor but have yet to receive a response. Unfortunately, without the required paperwork we are unable to move forward with processing your order.”

10/17 call doctor’s office, speak to receptionist, who promises to follow up

10/24: insulet emails again with confidential letter attached, which states they have still received nothing from doctor’s office

10/24: call office again; unable to speak to anyone in person as office closed early and emergency message service does not regard the situation as emergent

10/25: call to office successful, receptionist once again promises to follow up

11/3 (Sunday): call placed to product support line of insulet for update; insulet promises to email ASAP

11/5: insulet email says paperwork still not received

11/5: call placed to doctor’s office. Receptionist now familiar with situation, states that doctor has resubmitted paperwork several times

11/5: place call to insulet corp for clarification. Insulet customer service rep states that exactly one blank on the form remains unfilled, namely the icd-10 code, without which they cannot get approval from insurance. Rep adds that insulet has called and left 3 messages with explanation. Ask rep to once again bring this to attention of office. Rep promises to place call.

11/5: email from rep saying they’ve called the doctor and been shouted at (note that there is no sign the doctor ever let them explain why they were calling). Rep hopes the paperwork will be correctly resubmitted soon.

11/5: place call to doctor’s office, forwarded to voicemail twice. Finally reach doctor’s office, inform receptionist of missing information.

11/7: call insulet to check status; form has not been resubmitted. Rep offers to scan form with arrow indicating space with missing information and send copy to me.

11/7: hand-deliver form to doctor’s office. Doctor not present (at clinic); hand form to receptionist. Point to relevant blank space on form.

Updates to follow, I guess. I really hope not.

Please note: had this device been lost or irreparably damaged 10/14, I would’ve been in the hospital that same day. too damn nice.

also ngl I remember to call them once a week because I’m working 2 part time jobs and have classes to attend. I practically took the better part of this week off to deal with all of this crap (+ dental).

(And this is the second time this doctor had some difficulty filling my prescriptions.) (I’ve scheduled my next appt with a new office.)