#transition journal

[woodlandwizard77]

A Step by Step Guide to Losing Your D**k

I recently wrote a series of messages to my aunt talking about all the steps I need to do to get bottom surgery, a penile inversion vaginoplasty at Mt. Sinai, in the next year or two. Its a long list. And everytime I added something she had a sort of “wow thats rough” reaction, but to me its just the to do list. So I decided to write them all out.

Start transition DONE

Most insurance companies and surgeons require you to have socially transitioned and have done HRT for at least 1 year at the time of operation

For social transition, this was March of 2024

For HRT it will be January of 2025

Get a referral to a surgeon (I am here)

In my case, Mt. Sinai in Manhattan

My Doctor referred me, but Mt. Sinai takes self referrals

Start laser hair removal

Book a consultation (I am here)

Go to laser frequently enough to satisfy surgeon

Convince Mom and Dad to help out DONE

Get 2 letters

Social Worker (1)

PCP's Office

Social Worker (2)

Mt. Sinai

Consultation with Mt. Sinai’s team

Wait 3-6 months (I’m here)

Bring letters

My insurance only requires 2, less than Mt. Sinai thinks insurance will need, and Mt. Sinai provides 1 of them. Meaning the other is through IHS Behavioral

Schedule Social Work pre surgical consult appt

Schedule Mental Health and Medical Clearance with Registrar

Go to NYC for 1-2 nights, maybe for each, hopefully just once

Maybe also for Social Work thing

Consult with Surgeon

Wait until I’ve worked about 12 months to get short term disability

Probably summer (ASAP) and when Mom has time off

Do logistics

Book an airbnb, hotel, etc for recovery

Starting a few days after OR date and lasting a little over a month

Within a 90 minute drive of Mt. Sinai

Rural enough that Mom is comfortable to help and can go home if someone else shows up

Probably New Jersey, maybe Hudson Valley

Has at least 1, preferably 2, separate bedrooms

Has 2 beds

Has ADA accessible entry

Has a kitchen

Has a full bath, preferably and a half

Has internet and preferably a TV

Lodging for Mom + Dad/care team while I’m in OR

Probably 5-7 days

Preferably with a 1-2 day buffer period before OR date (included in the 7 day estimate) so I can enjoy the city

Either within a short walk from Mt. Sinai or on the same subway line as Mt. Sinai

RW, 1, or ACE

Someone to help me get from recovery location to Mt. Sinai while not in NYC

Develop and get list of items needed for recovery

Dilator

Pads

Gowns/loose clothing

Comfort food

Coordinate missing 8-9 weeks of work

Take care with who knows what before I leave

Inform HR, department manager, and work friends whats up

Get cleared for surgery and get an OR date

Probably a 6-12 month date from clearance

Get pre clearance testing through PCP or a lab in hometown

Go to NYC for that if need be

Week Before Surgery

No alcohol, no aspirin, NSAIDs, herbal supplements, or fish oil

Consult for other non aspirin blood thinners (which I am not on)

No alcohol for 3 weeks after as well

Tylenol/Acetaminophen is okay

Go downstate

See friends from NYC?

Bring Mom/Dad?

Do something fun in Manhattan

Get a COVID test

Take an anti-bacterial bath

Day before surgery

Breakfast before 9am

Last meal

Drink Golytely bowel solution around noon

Chemically induced diarrhea

Clear fluids only after golytely

(includes coffee, tea, water, broth, some juices)

Nothing goes in the stomach after midnight

Some medication okay with a sip of water

HRT??? (switched to injections)

Get surgery (a penile inversion vaginoplasty)

1 to 1+½ days

I’ve heard of as long as three

3-5 day hospital stay

Mom and Dad probably stay in Manhattan then

Go to recovery location

Drive with seat reclined

Stay for 4 weeks, pretty much bedridden

Go to follow ups

Dilate

Go home

Continue recovery for another 2-4 weeks at home

Follow up with PCP

Return to life

[genderqueerpositivity]

TW: mention of medications and periods

In non-politics related nonsense and news, I'm starting finasteride today!

Looking back at pre-T pictures earlier this year, I started realizing that my hairline has crept way north of where it used to be originally. Which, I don't really mind as much, actually I liked the change in shape of my hairline at first. The thing that really bothers me is the hair thinning I've had this year. I've always had super thick hair, and since I've started growing out part of my hair, I've been starting to miss it. Call me vain or whatever you like, but I'm not ready to go bald yet now that I can enjoy growing my hair out without being constantly misgendered because of it and without major dysphoria.

I carefully tried the rosemary oil thing with no luck, and it wasn't worth it because I was constantly scared of my cats getting exposed to it. Minoxidil was out as an option immediately because again, I have cats. So finasteride it is. I'm also going through a thyroid med dose adjustment in case that is causing the hair thinning (as it has definitely done in the past), so this should cover all the bases I guess.

Anyway, I was finally able to pick the finasteride up today. The prescription was sent to the wrong pharmacy originally, then after it was sent to the correct pharmacy I discovered that my insurance won't cover it and the listed price to pick up the prescription was $219.

So shout out big fucking time to the hero of the day, the pharmacist who did some kind of magic online and found a coupon for the medication. 90 day supply for only $18.

Hopefully it works without any scary side effects. I found a couple of random reddit threads from guys who started having periods again on fin and that sounds absolutely fuckin horrible, so wish me luck I guess.

[dragongirl-casca]

I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND AYAYAYAYAYA :3

[catboybiologist]

A late December transition journal, and spreadsheet update!

The spreadsheet is (finally) updated with December measurements:

So I’m writing this in January, but… most of the thoughts on here are about December progress, and the measurements were taken in December. 

It’s a weird mixed bag as far as transition is concerned. The measurements seem to be somewhat stalled. The only thing that seems to have changed is height, which like… it feels like it has to be error, and I’m pretty sure it is, but its been consistent? Maybe spinal curvature can change that fast? I’ll highlight on the spreadsheet the next time I actually get it measured at the doctor’s. Weight has fluctuated, and I did have a panic about it- however, it is possible that last measurement was a bit of an error. I could still physically see a rapid, unexpected drop in weight on my body, which I’ve since controlled, so I don’t think it’s that inaccurate, but yeah.

That all said… I’m being reminded constantly that the measurements don’t tell the full story.

For example, I think there’s a lot that’s missed by measuring at specific lines around the body. Waist and underbust are measured at minima, whereas bust and hips are measured at maxima. While these haven’t changed much during this time period, I have noticed overall growth in areas that aren’t these spots. Most notably… I have the tiniest inkling of an ass now!!!!! I’ve been flat as a board my whole life, and this time, in side profile, I noticed some booty curves and growth! But that measurement is overshadowed by my thighs and more traditional hip measurements, which have always been pretty good even pre-HRT. 

My boobs grew a tiny bit, but seem overall more noticeable than that. I think a lot of the initial growth was determined by nipple protrusion, and while they def still have that “growth” type character where they stick out much further than the rest of everything, the overall shape of the boob is looking like… well, boobs. Even though the measurement hasn’t changed, the timeline pictures (which I’m keeping private, for now) do show that they’re getting more visually defined, which is amazing. I also had a lot of little euphorias when I went home for the holidays. A lot of friends and even family that I hadn’t seen since early HRT or pre-HRT made comments about how I looked younger, looked different, or seemed to have nice skin. I’m considering that a win. Anecdotally, I do think that my face has femmed up a bit. If there was ever a month with the most face changes so far, it was absolutely December.

It is still true, however, that a lot of my body changes seem stalled. Maybe blame the swingy weight, or maybe blame the fact that my E is still…. Considered acceptable, but realistically, the 100-200 “acceptable” range is very low. My provider says that this is partially because of the 8mg limit on sublingual E, due to liver problems- 200 is pretty much what you can realistically get on sublingual alone. But guess what- I’ll be switching to injections soon! My provider wanted me to get E levels high to prevent super swingy emotions by drastically increasing my E levels, but said that with my current labs, I should be ready. I’m super happy about it, and hopefully I should regain some of the speed I had early HRT. I need my bazongas, okay?

I’m gonna be a bit emotionally weird, several things happening in my life rn. But on the plus side…. I have my first laser session tomorrow! I made the appointment earlier this week and decided to commit to keeping it despite things going on. I think it’ll be really helpful for my mental health, and very much improve how I feel when I look in the mirror. The only issue I can foresee is whether my boymode will hold, which, uuuhhh…. I mean fuckit my transition is an open secret at this point. People have seen the changes, seen me at parties, the queer community of my uni knows, they’ve seen and felt bra straps during hugs… I think everyone just kinda accepts that I’m waiting for the most comfortable moment. Then again, cis people can be oblivious, so maybe I’m overinterpreting. We will see. I don’t think much will change until I change my voice.

Sorry if the writing tone on this journal feels weird- again, emotional weirdness from various things. Until next month. 

[transguyking]

I have less than 2 weeks before I start testosterone and my top surgery consultation is next week. I’m so ready to be closer to my authentic self bro.

[luxlitemidnight]

its my 6 month anniversary of taking T today :)

Voice dropped like a shit ton. I haven't measured my voice but id put money on being or becoming a bass

Body hair growth, legs and arms definitely fuzzier, especially calves. Little bit on belly

Beard growth, so far just a very shitty mustache and vellus hair sideburns

i think my hips shrunk? Or I lost weight from moving. Either way my pants aren't fitting as well anymore

my face is visibly more masculine

skin is oilier and more prone to breakouts

Period hasn't stopped, but also like my uterus is a stubborn bastard.

Uhhh libido is a thing. That I have now. Didn't have one before

[rubinee]

i want to talk about my transition goals.

i want to stop feeling sad whenever i see an androgynous man and start feeling inspired instead. like hey, that could be me. i can be pretty like that i can be hot like that. i can be a lesbian and a gay man at the same time, i can do whatever i want life is already so weird this might as well happen we are a bunch of talking apes on a giant rock floating through space you can do what you want forever

even if my transition goals aren't entirely feasible in reality, i'd like to dream a little. i simply want more options to be me. i do want to start testosterone. i don't want to microdose as that brings the same changes just slower. i have heard that it is recommended (by the doctors in my area) to remove your ovaries after 5 years of consecutive regular dose T or else there might be health complications but i kinda see this as an opportunity - I'll keep my ovaries and stop T after this time since I'm interested in a more androgynous, strangers can't really tell what's going on kinda look. the permanent changes of T can stay and whatever else my body decides to do on its own is just what's gonna happen. of cause I'll always be gendered female based on hight alone but that's for strangers to deal with, their thoughts shall be their problem.

i am not interested in further surgeries. my hysterectomy has been a blessing and that's that on that, no more hospital.

i also like the way i dress but it doesn't have to remain the only way i dress i just have to be brave enough to make my way into the men's section (..... or rather probably boys section...)

wrt voice i have also found some really good in depth youtube tutorials on voice training. this, like style, is a question of being brave and just starting. i just gotta start.

i can probably also reframe my face a lot simply by getting a different haircut

my goals are for me to feel more comfortable with myself. to be able to participate in my friends group fotos and look at myself without flinching in this deeply upsetting way.

socially my friends already treat me as /me/. the next step is acquaintances and colleagues/coworkers

however strangers gender me doesn't bother me unless theyre flirting with me in which case i want them to feel gay about it, regardless of their own gender situation.

[heart-shaped-choker]

I might stop taking T.

[woodlandwizard77]

This is a recoloring I did of Robert Indiana's world famous LOVE postcard/stamp/sculpture. Indiana is one of the most important artists to my education and appreciation of art as his work ranged from easily readable to borderline absurdist, but always spoke to the human (and I would argue Queer) condition. Indiana was a gay man working before and after the ||AIDS crisis||. The fact that his work pierced the mainstream so thoroughly touches me deeply. To me, the wordmark is a proclamation that queer people, queer love will always be here and thats been resonating with me a lot lately.

[jayeallisonashtear]

Transition Journal: Before and After.

2011-ish vs 2023-24.

Realized I wasn't fully cis in 2017-18.

Realized I was a trans girl in 2019, finally openly admitted it in 2020.

Started estrogen in July of 2022.

I think I do look kinda different.

If you think you're transfem, just try estrogen.

I did, and it was one of the best decisions I ever made.

[dragongirl-casca]

I love wearing leggings because I'll be walking and look down at my legs and then have to stop and take a breath because I got so entranced by the way my thighs jiggle 🥰

[catboybiologist]

Transition journal #2: October 2023

Two months, lets gooooo!!!!!! To start off, I've updated my metrics spreadsheet:

My first levels check is on there, alongside the usual stuff.

I have a couple of thoughts and notes, just like I did last month, but this is probably going to be a bit shorter and less excited than last month. Nothing disappointing about this month, just less so than the wave of emotions that came with starting.

 The biggest change in the past month has def been that I started my spiro based on my levels. I was actually genuinely surprised that my levels were that low on E and high on T. T is solidly above target levels, and my endo described my E as “barely acceptable” and said we should get it higher. I’m all for it, of course. But that also means starting spiro. 

Right before starting spiro, I was noting that that initial burst of changes was slowing down. Notably, it seemed like breast growth was slowing, but tbf, it really seemed like I had a frenzy of it to kick off the changes. Spiro does feel like it restarted that, but I can’t tell how much that’s a direct effect of it and how much it's just that these changes are going in bursts anyways. 

That being said, it's been an interesting month of changes. Notably, my overbust hasn’t increased at all- but, I’ve lost a lot of weight overall. My waist and underbust both decreased, while my overbust and hips remained exactly the same. So proportionately, they’ve grown. I’m actually shocked that my underbust decreased, even if it was just half an inch. Best I can figure is that I have fat pockets that extend down from my armpits, and I think I burned fat from those. While bone changes are possible even in adults on HRT, they wouldn’t happen this fast to my ribcage. I don’t think I’m go

Of course, I’m wildly happy about the way my waist has been developing. Not only is it quantitatively thinning, the way the fat looks even in side profile is gradually looking more like “female” pudge as opposed to “man” pudge. Does that make sense? There’s certainly a difference between the way hormonally male and female people carry their belly fat, and I think I’m starting to see just a little of that femaleness shine through. I’m ecstatic. I do want to lose a tiny bit more weight, or at least maintain my current weight while other regions of my body grows, and hopefully this trend will continue. Gotta have the best waist for someone’s arm to slip around.

As usual, it does seem like my wide shoulders and barrel chest are a little at odds with my waist-to-hip ratio. I have a full on fridge upper body, a nicely slimming waist, and relatively wide hips. That seems to be holding pretty true, but we’ll see how it turns out long term.

I made a post about this the other day, but I do think I’m registering facial changes on some subconscious level. I can��t really put my finger on it, but something is different in the mirror. I’m comparing before and after unmasked pictures, and I do think there’s some slight facial changes coming on. But still, I’m a little worried about the pace of it, and worried about if I’ll ever pass in that department. But hey. If I don’t, I don’t, and I just present how I want, when I want.

It’s not noticeable enough to really tell yet, but I think my facial hair growth has slowed a little bit. I’m shaving weekly at this point, and it does seem a little bit thinner every time. But I don’t think I have enough data to tell, really, so we’ll see where that goes. It’ll never get to the point where I won’t need laser. I’m mostly just worried that my facial hair will be my last bastion of boymoding, so I’m being a dumbass and procrastinating a lot on that.

Overall, however, I do want to get tf off of spiro once my levels are stable and can potentially be suppressed by estrogen alone. There’s a little I’ll write about below, but mostly… the motherfucking diuretic effect. Oh my fucking god. My caffeine and water consumption means I pee a lot anyways, but fucking hell. I feel like a goddamn fountain, what the fuck. Hopefully I’ll be able to get off it sooner rather than later, especially if I can get injections.

Mild nsfw ahead. As usual, this is raw information, and if you’re weird about it, you will be blocked.

If I didn’t say this before, the information in the spreadsheet is only part of what I’m logging monthly- I have a more extensive record that includes things that feel just an ooch intrusive. This also includes a SHITTON of progress pictures in neutral poses and expressions that I’ve standardized to be the same across the months. I mention this bc I can def see some progress in these pictures. Mostly, I think this has to do with my lower body and waist shape. My ass has def gotten a bit bigger, but the reason my hip measurement hasn’t changed is because that measurement is still dominated by my thighs, and the place where growth is happening is still slightly offset from the largest hip measurement, which, as far as I know, is where it's supposed to be taken. 

My breasts have also gotten a lot more distinctly breast-like in their qualitative visual appearance. I think this is a combination of the bust to band size/waist ratio getting better, as well as the breasts filling in more. My nipples are less protruding than last month, and the breast is forming a bit more of a mound as opposed to just essentially the bud forming. Eg, there’s actual structure there now. I can actual hop up and down and yes, they do jiggle. Still, the nipples are leading the charge. I’m a little worried about “cone tits”, or breasts where the nipple develops and pushes out without giving much of a rounded shape to the surrounding tissue. I think its a bit too early to tell, however. I’m hoping to get some nice, serious development in before I start progesterone, and the way things are going… yeah, I think I’ll be good there. Obviously I don’t want them to stop anytime soon, but if my boobs continue at this rate, I don’t think I’ll have anything to worry about chest wise.

The sensitivity “cycle” I’ve been going through does seem to have continued, although the timing of it is erratic. I do very clearly go through bursts of higher erotic sensitivity, followed by uncomfortable sensitivity, followed by a lack of sensitivity. The timing, again, is erratic. We’ll see what it stabilizes to long term- this could be a very unstable transfemme period (side note, I know that’s a controversial topic in the trans community. There’s very little data on the subject, but I do believe it is likely that its happening. The estrogen pathway can easily be cyclical when started. But I digress, I’ll relate my personal experience to that as time goes on and keep my eye out for any papers.).

Since starting spiro, I’ve also noticed some differences in sexual function. I’m not gonna get into the raw details there, I’ve recorded them in a personal version of this. But do note if you’re considering spiro that it's a thing that will probably happen.

[olivanding]

Errand Journal #2: Picking Up My New IDs

On my previous entry, I shared the minutiae of the legal process to change your identity as a Chilean trans person. It's been considerably more than 45 working days, but, alas, the change is now official.

I now have a small plastic rectangle and a brand new passport, both stating that, yes, my name is Oliver, and yes indeed, my gender is male.

About this fact I have many feelings. Strange, confusing, thick elastic feelings.

Don't get me wrong–I'm elated.

But I'm also terrified.

Let's begin with the picking up part, which happened at the consulate, inside the embassy building. My partner tagged along for moral support, and thank fuck they did!

We arrived "out of hours," because nowhere on the website or notification email was it specified that the hours were different from the general consulate operating hours. While we stood outside thinking of what to do, someone from the embassy came to ask what we needed. After some mild begging, we gave up.

As we were walking away, the guy took pity on us and offered to help me. He called the office, they agreed to see me. On the seventh floor, a man scolded me for five minutes before grabbing my old ID and calling me "doña deadname." After some waiting, he led me inside because, thankfully, the only decent guy in the whole equation had taken my picture and handled the process with the Santiago office. He remembered me, pushed for the guy to give me the documents, and, presumably explained that I was the same person.

After handing me the documents, man #1 switched to patronizingly sweet, telling me to "not go around losing them" in a condescending tone that made me feel sick. Downstairs, the embassy guy mockingly smiled at me as I confirmed that I had gotten my documents and, just like I had done to the men upstairs, I thanked thanked thanked him.

True, I could've been better prepared; it didn't occur to me to bring the receipts or my old passport. That's on me. But let's not kid ourselves: they decided do this as a favor because it wasn't massively inconvenient for them, but the cost was always going to be my dignity.

Everyone involved knew why I was there. Oliver is an unambiguously male name in Chile, as is my second name, Andrés. Yet the embassy guy announced "there's a... (marked pause) young lady here to pick up her documents," and kept misgendering me while trying to talk to my partner (in spite of their repeated efforts to correct him), whom he also misgendered in the process.

Neither of us could say a thing, of course, too afraid that they wouldn't give me my ID if we complained.

Thank you, thank you so much, I kept repeating, sorry for the inconvenience, thank you so much, bowing my head like a scolded dog.

It isn't just the grovelling. It's the powerlessness... the invalidation.. and okay, the emasculation, too. As a queer trans man, I loathe to admit that I can even feel this way. I feel very secure in my masculinity, which is not threatened by being drawn to feminine things or being perceived as sensitive, fruity, camp. Had I been cis, I would like to believe that I would've been all those things anyway. Casual misgendering I can usually take okay, too–I get it, I tell myself, how are they to know, when I haven't changed that much about myself yet?

But this? This was malicious. A power trip.

Not only was I treated like a bad child, which I could've explained away as a product of me being an inconvenient customer of sorts; I got purposefully misgendered and deadnamed. I couldn't protect my partner from it either. I dread the day I have to return to that place for any legal errand. Hopefully it won't be anytime soon.

I intended to use this entry to reflect a bit more on the terrifying in-betweenness of legally being one person in Chile and another in the UK, and how socially this is quite the opposite. I want to talk about the weight of bureaucracy and question the implications of having a new legal identity before medical transition... but writing this has made me exhausted.

I'll leave this a frustration dump instead.

We all need that, sometimes.

[dragongirl-casca]

I had this same feeling, on a smaller scale, when I started laser hair removal. I thought I was a cis man, and I was like ":( but what if I end up with a partner who really likes facial hair/chest hair and now I can't grow any?"

But I had to take a step back and ask myself, "whose desires matter more? Me, who lives in my body, or a hypothetical partner I haven't met yet?"

It took time to accept that I have a right to change my body. And what's more, that changing my body in ways I would enjoy is prudent and wise. After a couple years of laser, I only had to shave once a week. And that was a huge burden lifted.

when i think about getting top surgery, i feel guilty about the idea of no one ever seeing my boobs. i feel almost selfish for not wanting anyone to ever see them, and just wanting to let them fade out of memory. but to myself and anyone who feels the same way:

you don't owe anyone your body. you don't owe anyone an action that would make you feel violated and ashamed. you don't owe anyone anything just because you have boobs. you are allowed to do with your body what you wish. it is your body. it belongs to you. it does not belong to someone else. nor does it exist for their pleasure or comfort.

you are not wrong for wanting bodily autonomy. because that's what this comes down to. bodily autonomy. a human right. your right. grow and heal and blossom in whatever way you need to, friend.

[hotelmiranda]

second injection: taken ✔️