#and I figured there's no way they have adderall but I'll ask if they know anything

[roboromantic]

[morlock-holmes]

Got hit by the Adderall shortage lads.

I raised my voice to the pharmacy technician and her boss said, "You have been yelling at her for five minutes now."

I wasn't yelling, and that just made me way angrier. Oh, is it frustrating to have to spend five minutes dealing with an unhelpful person? Is five minutes a lot of precious time that you won't get back? Wow, I'm so sorry, I'll get out of your hair and go spend half an hour calling other pharmacies individually to see if they have any supply, and when it turns out they don't I'll just wait a few days and see if the shipment you're about to get has Adderall in it. And if it doesn't I'll spend another hour or so calling around to figure out what I'm supposed to do.

Gosh, it sure must be frustrating for you to spend five minutes on this, I can't imagine.

You know what pisses me off? I get that it's not your fault that the FDA and DEA have their heads buried up their own asses.

You know what is your company's fault? The fact that you have 12 locations plausibly within driving distance of me and the procedure to see whether an alternate location can fill the prescription is for me to look up each one individually, call them, wait on hold, and then ask each individual pharmacist. There's no way to track the supply, or to find out if it's committed to other patients, and that's nothing to do with the shortage.

After talking to several pharmacists the answer I got several times was, "Yeah they can't tell us what's going to get delivered ahead of time, a lot of times they say they have stock and then when we get the shipment it just randomly doesn't have some of what we ordered."

Like, I'm not just pissed off at the shortage, I'm pissed at this really bizarre inability to track whether anybody has it or doesn't have it. Isn't this a super dangerous drug that the FDA and DEA have to monitor closely? But the warehouse you order from just... doesn't track how much they have or where it goes?

I can't emphasize this enough, I've been told by multiple pharmacies that not only do they not know when they are getting more Adderall, they don't know when they'll know if they are getting more Adderall. They can't give you a no, they can only say, "We're getting a shipment of drugs on Thursday and it might have Adderall in it or it might not, we don't know until then."

And since it's a controlled substance, your doctor has to specify which pharmacy you are getting the drug from, if you find another pharmacy that has it you have to first call your doctor and then have them send a new prescription to that particular pharmacy.

There was a lot of this during COVID also, getting tests and things. Not just a shortage of supplies, a completely decrepit infrastructure which left each individual out in the cold without information about where supplies might be or how you would find them.

Like, why is the procedure for patients, "Just call every pharmacy in the city to see if they have some"? That's not caused by supply shortages.

[lavenderlegends]

can you fall in love after a single kiss?

ship: stiles/derek prompt: crisp air characters: erica, scott, isaac, danny, jackson, allison mention, boyd mention cw: drinking tags: college au, fluff word count: 2.6k ao3 ♞♚♞♚

"Ahhhh," Stiles says, as he steps out into the crisp fall air. He looks over at Erica. "Do you feel that?"

"Hm?" she says, looking up from her phone. "What's that?"

"The air! Fall has begun!" Stiles exclaims. He nudges her. "C'mon, why aren't you enjoying this?"

"Because," Erica says, looking back down at her phone as they walk down the path towards the parking lot. "I've got a lot going on at the moment."

"Mhm, it's that guy, isn't it?" Stiles asks, trying to peek at her screen. She hides it from him with a pointed expression.

"None of your business," she answers.

"Ugh. Well, will I at least see you at Danny's party?" Stiles shoves his hand into his pocket, searching for his Jeep keys. Erica doesn't answer by the time he's pulled out the bi flag lanyard, so he pouts. "Ericaaaa, midterms are over. We have to celebrate. Please tell me you're coming to Danny's party."

"What?" she asks, looking up at him. "Oh. Danny's party. Yes. I'll be there."

"Will he be there?" Stiles asks, wiggling his eyebrows.

Erica's face flushes in a way he's never seen before. She shrugs. "Maybe."

"I can't wait to meet the mystery man, then."

"He's not a mystery man. He's just a guy I met at the library." Erica bites her bottom lip when they reach his Jeep and are about to say goodbye. He doesn't rush to open the door.

"What is it?"

"I think... oh my god, I can't believe I'm even thinking this, let alone saying this... but..."

"Spit it out already," Stiles says, shaking with impatience. He should've taken his Adderall today, but definitely forgot. He likes to pretend he does better studying without it, but his most recent midterm would prove otherwise.

Erica ducks her head. "I think he's, like, the one."

"What," Stiles blurts. He doesn't mean to, really, but he's never ever heard Erica talk like this and they've been best friends since kindergarten. Stiles waits until she lifts her head up again before he asks, "Are you possessed?"

She shakes her head.

Stiles blinks. "Holy shit, Erica! That's huge. I never thought you'd settle down for a boyfriend, let alone the one."

Erica lets out a soft laugh. "Yeah, me neither. I don't know what it is about him, Stiles, but he gets me."

"Does he...?"

"Know I'm trans? Yeah," Erica says, nodding. "I know. It's strange, isn't it? I don't think I've ever been on a second date before."

"But this guy?"

"This guy," Erica confirms, a shy smile crossing her lips. "This guy is something else. Listen, I'm going to go shopping before Danny's party. I want to look good. I'll catch up with you later?"

"Sounds good."

"And if you tell anyone what I said--"

He laughs. "As if anyone would believe me."

"True." Erica grins, and bounces away with a skip in her step. Stiles stares after her.

This party is going to be one to remember.

Erica's in love. It's obvious. She just met the guy a week ago, but some things are undeniable.

He smiles to himself as he gets into his Jeep. Maybe, just maybe, the one for him is at the party tonight too.

♞♚♞♚

Stiles shows up a little late, but he meant to be on time. He even set like six alarms to stop his ADHD from getting in the way, but alas, it was pointless. He just hopes Danny isn't mad.

"There you are!" Danny's voice comes when Stiles enters the kitchen.

"Hey, sorry." Stiles hands him a bag of ice. "I know, I know. Super late. I'm sorry."

"It's okay, Derek also brought ice."

Stiles jerks his head back. "You asked Derek to bring you ice too?"

"I did," Danny says. "Figured you'd be late. I've known you since high school, remember?"

"Yeah, yeah," Stiles says, rolling his eyes. "I just can't believe you asked Mr. Grumpy Pants to bring ice. It's like asking a bear to step out of their cave while they're hibernating."

"Ha, ha," a sarcastic, dry tone comes from behind him.

Stiles jumps and whips around to see Derek freaking Hale standing behind him. He groans. "Are you everywhere? I swear, you have the hearing of a bat."

Derek tilts his head. "You shouldn't be that surprised to see me. I am Danny's roommate."

"Mhm," Stiles says. "Don't remind me."

Stiles and Derek haven't gotten along since first semester of first year. The guy has been nothing but rude and grumpy to Stiles. His theory is that Derek's in love with Danny, especially because his attitude just got worse after he learned that Stiles and Danny used to hook up in high school.

But Danny's been dating Jackson pretty much since they started college, so Stiles doesn't get why Derek's not over him yet.

"Alright, I'm off to find Scott and Isaac!" Stiles announces, before muttering, "'Cause I can't stand to be around you anymore."

Derek snorts. "Like I want to be around you either."

"Can't we be nice for one night?" Danny pleads, but Stiles just tosses his hand in the air and walks towards the living room.

Erica's talking to a very handsome guy in the corner, and she's twirling her hair. He freezes, watching them. He's never seen her twirl her hair before. Ever. But there she is, giggling, and looking up at this guy with the biggest heart-eyes he's ever seen.

"Oh my god, I can't believe it," Isaac says, suddenly appearing at Stiles' side. Scott joins him on the other side. "I've never seen Boyd talk so much to a girl before."

"Yeah, it's a bit weird," Scott says. "Erica's like... usually on the prowl by now."

"Jesus," Stiles mutters. "You make her sound like a cougar."

"Well, you know what I mean. She eats boys up and spits them out. It's her thing," Scott says. "I've never seen her so... infatuated before."

"That's a great word for it, honey," Isaac says, grinning. He shares a look with Scott, and Stiles groans. "What?"

"You two are also disgustingly in love," Stiles mutters. "Everyone seems to be these days!"

"Calm down," Scott says, but he's still got a moony look towards Isaac on his face. "You'll find the right person soon."

"Uh-huh." Stiles sighs. "I'm going to find Lydia. You two are making me nauseated."

He doesn't wait for them to protest, but heads out to the balcony. He smiles when he finds Lydia alone. She takes a long sip of her drink before looking at him.

"Nice night out, huh?" Stiles asks.

"Yeah." Lydia sighs. "I wish Ally was here tonight."

"Why isn't she?" Stiles asks, glancing back through the windows as if he might magically spot her.

"She went home to visit her parents."

"Are you two...?"

"Yeah," Lydia admits. "We're keeping it on the downlow for now. I mean, her breakup with Kira is still pretty fresh. But..."

"Damn." Stiles rubs his face. "Everyone seems to be in a relationship these days."

Lydia pats his shoulder. "I'm sorry, darling. You'll find someone. I just know it."

"Yeah. That's what they keep telling me." Stiles sighs.

Lydia finishes her drink and then says, "I'm going back inside. You coming?"

"I think I'll stay out here for now." Stiles doesn't care if he shivers. Nothing is going to make him go back inside now.

Erica has Boyd. Danny's with Jackson. Scott and Isaac have been dating for almost a year. Now Lydia and Allison? When is it going to be his turn?

Stiles stretches his neck before leaning over the edge of the balcony. He's looking into a parking lot, and it's not very exciting, but he can sort of see the city lights from here, and that's nice. He guesses.

He's not drunk enough for this.

Maybe he should ditch the party, curl up, and watch Disney Plus. Anything would be better than this. Being alone. Again. As always.

"Room for one more out here?"

Stiles freezes at the sound of Derek's voice before turning. "What do you want?"

"Thought maybe we could talk." Derek shuts the door gently behind him. "What do you say?"

"Whatever," Stiles mutters.

"What's your problem with me?" Derek asks, as if he doesn't already know. Stiles glances at him again but can't stare too long because his heart has started to pound.

He's never actually been alone with Derek before.

"Like you don't know," Stiles mutters.

"I don't," Derek says, flatly.

"You've been nothing but rude to me, and you only got ruder once you learned about my history with Danny."

Derek blinks. "What are you talking about?"

"Sure. Play dumb." Stiles rolls his eyes. He turns to face Derek now, surprised at how close they are together. It's not a huge balcony, but it's not that small either.

Derek looks down at Stiles, just slightly, and asks, "Talk to me like I'm dumb."

"Fine." Stiles lifts his head and bites his lip. Derek's eyes are unwavering on his. "You are the rudest person I have ever met. You totally changed your vibe around me after the news about Danny and I came out. You were stiffer, and not in like, a fun way. You wouldn't look me in the eyes. You just... grunted. A lot. Danny was my first. I was his first. It was all very sweet, but just because you're in love with Danny, doesn't mean you have like... claim on him. He's his own person. And he chose Jackson. So, I don't get why you're such an asshole to me."

Stiles is shaking now, but he doesn't care.

The crisp fall air has turned cold.

And then...

Derek kisses him.

Stiles would jerk back if he had the ability to think. But Derek's lips are hot against his, and suddenly, Stiles is grabbing onto Derek's sweater, and holding him there.

He'd be lying if he said this hadn't popped into his mind before. But he never thought... never in a million years imagined... never...

Derek pulls away, but not far.

His voice is soft but gruff when he says, "I have no idea what you're talking about."

Then he turns on his heels and walks back into the party. As if he hadn't just given Stiles the best kiss of his life.

"What the fuck?" Stiles whispers, bringing his shaking fingers up to his lips.

He doesn't know what to make of that, so he stays out on the balcony until it's too cold, and then when he goes back into the party, Derek's already gone.

♞♚♞♚

He can't stop thinking about it. He might actually understand Erica's obsession with her phone and Boyd now. Stiles waits. He waits for some sort of flicker of hope that maybe Derek kissing him was real. That maybe it wasn't a fluke.

But no notifications ever come. No Instagram follow. No accidental Tweet like. Not even a Facebook friend request.

Stiles hates it.

♞♚♞♚

"Hey darling, I'm sorry, but I have to bail on our shopping trip today," Lydia tells him on the phone a few days later. "Allison had a rough time at home, and came back to campus early. I'm going to go over to hers, is that okay?"

"Yeah, of course," Stiles says, absentmindedly.

"Okay, thank you!" Lydia sends kisses through the phone and hangs up.

It takes him a minute to realize they've said goodbye and she's gone.

He's busy staring at Danny's messages in Whatsapp and debating on what to say.

Nothing sounds right.

hey your dumb roommate kissed me

hey can you fall in love after a single kiss

hey I was wondering if I could come over?

The last one, he sends.

Danny gives him a thumbs-up and Stiles makes his way over. He hesitates at the door, but it swings open and Jackson stands there.

"Jesus!" Jackson says. "You almost gave me a heart attack, Stilinski. What are you doing here?"

"Uhhh."

"We're going to hang out and play some video games!" Danny's voice comes from somewhere in the apartment.

"That," Stiles says.

"Alright," Jackson replies, shaking his head. "Just, like, knock next time." He pauses to call back to Danny. "Love you!"

"Love you too!" Danny shouts.

Jackson heads out and leaves the door open for Stiles. He slowly inches his way into the apartment and shuts the door behind him.

"Is, uh, Derek here?" Stiles asks.

"Huh?" Danny says, coming into the living room. He wears a bright smile. "No, no. He hasn't been around all week. Studying for some big test he has next week, I guess. The apartment's all ours."

"Where's Jackson going?"

"Oh, his dad's in town, so they're having dinner."

Danny gives Stiles a quick hug. "C'mon, let's play."

"Sure."

It's reasonable of Danny to assume Stiles wants to play a video game, but all he wants to do right now is ask about Derek. He shoves his questions deep down though.

At least, until he can't hold it in any longer. They're three hours deep into the newest game Danny bought and Stiles blurts, "Why would Derek kiss me?"

Danny freezes, pauses the game, and turns to look at Stiles. "He did what now?"

"He kissed me. At your party. On that balcony. Last week." Stiles breathes. He's finally told someone else and it feels good. "Why... why would he do that?"

"I... I honestly don't know," Danny says, slowly. His eyebrows come together. "Although, now that I think about it, he does ask about you sometimes."

"He does?" Stiles asks, hating how hopeful he sounds.

"Yeah. Like he asked if I had heard from you after the party," Danny explains. "I thought it was a little weird, but... Derek's kind of weird, y'know? Keeps to himself a lot."

"Right." Stiles bites his lip. "Okay, you know what, let's not talk about it anymore. Pretend it never happened."

Because that's what Derek's doing.

"Sure thing," Danny says, and hits play on the game. Stiles is almost instantly killed.

♞♚♞♚

Stiles is walking to class with Erica through the courtyard when he finally sees Derek for the first time since the party.

"Hey, I'm not feeling well suddenly." Stiles puts a hand over his stomach. "Dairy issues."

Erica scrunches her nose. "Gross, Stiles. You really don't need to tell me that every time. And also, stop eating dairy!"

Normally, he'd laugh, but he's too tense. "Catch you back at home?"

"Sure. Feel better," Erica says, kissing him on the cheek.

Stiles waits until she's in the building and out of sight before he crosses the courtyard. His heart pounds so loud he can hear it. He's losing his nerve the closer he gets, but he doesn't stop.

"You kissed me."

Derek swings his head up from his textbook. He meets Stiles' eyes and calmly says, "Yes."

"Why?" Stiles asks, slipping into the picnic table bench. "Because I've been thinking and thinking and nothing makes sense except--"

"I have a crush on you." Derek says it so clear-as-day, it almost shakes Stiles' core.

"But why?"

Derek swallows before answering. He keeps his voice low. "Because you are so unafraid to be yourself. Because you clearly care about our mutual friends. Because you show up with ice even when you're an hour late. Because you're loud and obnoxious and funny and a smart ass. Because you don't care that my parents are rich and my dad's the dean of our school. You treat me the exact same way. You don't tiptoe around me or ask me for favours or try to get in good with me to get in with my dad."

Stiles blinks. He's positive that at some point Danny told him about Derek's parents, but he didn't realize that people... did that to Derek because of them. He swallows.

"I... I see."

"Does that answer your question?" Derek asks.

"Yes. But I have one more."

Derek simply stares at him.

Stiles musters up all his courage and says, "Can we do it again?"

♞♚♞♚

[lazulisong]

so after asking the pharmacist about what WAS available (pharmacist: god knows when adderall will be back in stock, i don't lmao) i got connie to change the dose to that and soon it will be all over for you bitches. i hope.

i do gotta figure out the easiest way to log moods, because i don't like apps that much and most of the mood tracker inserts i've seen are like "you pick one mood for the day". i dunno about YOU guys but i have at least twenty moods a day and like, how do you compress "saw a dog. happy. thought of twin. EVERYTHING IS TERRIBLE" into one feeling for the day?

i specifically have to do this because connie was like "im not gonna lie to you, everything you could do about your hormonally induced suicidal depression is contraindicated by at least two things you're also dealing with, except planning your anti depressants around your cycle" so now i gotta figure out when the mood drops happen before they happen.

anyway after payday i think i'll get one of the daily diary TRC inserts and keep track there instead of flipping through my big notebook of drafts about how gratitude journaling is a tool of capitalism. (it is but i haven't worked out my argument yet, this is a position based on vibes only.)

[cl0udpup]

Big sigh

*Still figuring out moving over from Twitter to Tumblr, but for now, I'm just gonna flush out my threads here and see how that goes...*

Anxiety dreams

I had disturbing, surreal, End Of The World, running from cops, moving through portals, being broke and homeless, anxiety dreams all morning. Woke up with my neck stiff and swollen for the second day in a row, exhausted. I took a rapid last night, came out negative, but it's hard to trust testing now with new variants. I have allergy shots in an hour, and I really don’t wanna go, but I’m afraid of what will happen if I miss it. Last time I missed a week, I suffered with extreme hives and asthma symptoms.

...

I did it

I went to the shot. Still feeling like shit. Still testing negative for c19.

I’ve been staying up late the past few nights, so I’m sure that doesn’t help. Winter is really tough on my body (and mind.) The dry air makes my skin swell up, and I get all tense and hot. I couldn't manage to wear a coat outside, even though it's 30 degrees out, because it makes it so much worse once I go inside. They keep the hospital sooo warm.

I need to get a humidifier running in my office, but this room is like 80 sq ft, so I'm concerned about where it will go, it getting knocked over, or the water getting on my computer. I have cords allll over the floor bc I have no idea how to do cord management. But yeah, my sinuses are so incredibly dry and swollen, which is causing this headache I'm sure, and probably the stiff neck.

Adderall

Enough complaining... In more interesting news, today is my first day on Adderall, 10 mg XR. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to feel anything. I was feeling shitty *before* taking it, so all those symptoms above are unrelated. Although, if this causes any similar symptoms, not sure if I'll be able to tell it apart.

I guess one thing I noticed this morning; it was less excruciating waiting the 30 minutes required to stay at the hospital after my allergy shot. Usually I set a timer, check it exasperatingly every few minutes, pacing and sighing, literally feel like I'm being tortured waiting lol. It usually feels like an hour even tho it’s only half. I have no idea if the med could be helping with that restlessness so soon, but. Worth noting I suppose.

Trauma effects everything

I met with the new psychiatrist who prescribed it on Monday. She asked all the typical intake type questions, and went over my initial survey from the ADHD assessment. Again, the ADHD assessment really was not specific to ADHD, other than the awful computer button clicking bullshit test thing they made me do.

We only talked for around 45 minutes, but she gave me her opinion that she thinks I don't have bipolar. She thinks my hypomanic symptoms and mood swings/cycling were caused by trauma. Who’s to say, really. Trauma effects everything.

I have found I don’t always fit the mold for clinical diagnoses for conditions my symptoms point to. I especially don't fit them forever. Resilience has to be taken into account; learning skills, figuring out accommodations, medication, change of life circumstance.

However, I have, and do (based on past episodes) meet the criteria for bipolar 2, whether the assessment is nuanced enough to give a "correct" answer. Of course, diagnoses are more or less a matter of opinion.

I was also diagnosed with "unspecific mood disorder" & put on mood stabilizers (bipolar meds) as a young teen.

Some of my earliest memories are of being totally overwhelmed emotionally. I remember having what I now know of as anxiety in elementary school. I was officially diagnosed with depression and anxiety at age 12.

So what is it?

That's the question I've been searching for the answer for my entire life. Wtf is wrong with me, lol. I know trauma, neurodivergence, and the way those two play off each other must be at the root of everything.

Ultimately, all these sprinkles of symptoms make up an actual person, my actual life experiences, my struggles, my disabilities. I don't think it's simple enough to just slap a diagnosis on me and call it a day.

I know SSNI medication has helped me immensely in taking all the chaotic energy inside myself, and dampening down my viciously strong emotions. Before meds, I felt totally out of control. I felt I had no control over the insanity. My mood swings and sensory overwhelm thrashed me around like I was on a broken rollercoaster, ready to fly off the tracks at any moment.

BPD

Before starting trauma work, I fit the diagnosis for borderline. Leaving an abusive relationship, learning about attachment disorders, and understanding more about being neurodivergent helped me grow into a person who could have healthy relationships, and stop hurting myself.

Graduating from a DBT program when I was 18 helped as well, but looking back, the most helpful part was being part of a community. Sharing 8 hours a week with other traumatized teens, forming bonds, being vulnerable and supporting each other. That's what helped.

We never even talked about trauma as a force of destruction. We mostly learned how to channel our thoughts and behaviors into something less visibly disruptive and damaging.

We weren't validated and told "something awful happened to you, and it wasn't your fault, and it's not your fault that it made you hate yourself so much you want to destroy yourself and everything around you." I think we really needed that. I know I still need to hear that.

Chaos

I'm 30 now, and I still am no where near having all the answers. Finding the ADHD piece of the puzzle definitely puts a lot into perspective, but I don't know if it can account for everything. I do have hopes for medicating it.

My 20's were so chaotic. I had no idea if I would survive to where I am now. That being said, I made a lot of decisions that helped me survive when I needed to, things I said I'd deal with the consequences of later, and, later has finally caught up to me.

I used spending as a coping mechanism. I channeled a lot of my chaotic energy into work over the past decade. Before my body started shutting down on me, I worked alll the time, and made decent money. I bought into the whole credit score thing, got a bunch of credit cards, and maxed them all out. Yes, having a credit history helped me get things I needed, but mental illness put me in this mindset of "I'm probably gonna die soon, so I should just get what will make me happy right now."

Knowing now that I have ADHD, so much of this makes sense. I struggle with things like feeding myself, cleaning, staying on track, completing tasks, all the executive function bullshit. So, I've driven myself into debt buying things I thought could help me "get my life together."

Can't get myself to eat enough to not trigger a mood episode? I'll just order take out or go to the cafe every day. Can't keep the house from being a total mess? I'll buy every cleaning and organizing tool imaginable that might help inspire me to bring necessary order to my surroundings. Same thing for exercising, self care, literally just existing, I always thought if I could "just" find the right solution, all my problems would disappear and I could catch up to my peers who perpetually left me in the dust.

Don't even get me started on the spending sprees I've gone on in response to depression and suicidality. Feel like dying because understimulated? Let's book a trip for me and a companion where I'll pay for everything because I want to be loved. Feel like dying because overstimulation? Let's buy things to self soothe. It's a mess.

And so, life goes on

Now, this year, when I have my head on straight, and am no longer crushed and suffocated by abuse, or distracted by partying, my health took a nose dive. I have hardly been able to work at all this year. I've always been concerned with my ill health, but now more than ever I've been forced to focus on it solely. I'm committed. The only place I go these days is to appointments; three a week: therapy, allergy injections, and acupuncture.

I so desperately want to get my life together, once and for all. I truly hope I'm on the right track. All I can do is trust this is what I'm supposed to do.

[dani-sdiary]

Wayyy More than you Wanted to Know About Me

I would've happily drank vodka out of a bellybutton and done cocaine off a tit, but no one asked me. Instead, I spent Saturday nights watching reruns of "Keeping up Appearances" with my grandmother (in case you don't know, chronicles the zany misadventures of a middle-aged British lady and her attempts to make herself seem well-off, hilarity ensues). Always time well spent (love you, Granny!), though I wish I'd had some other experiences as well.

I am a perfect stereotype: the repressed schoolmarm. And after a week of school and work and work and school, is it too much to ask to have my brains fucked out? Preferably, by the love of my life and father of my children?

Yeah, it hurts. I'm not going to pretend it doesn't, I'm not going to pretend I'm above it all or that I think it's too disgusting or primitive for someone soooo sophisticated like me. I'm not going to diminish how important touch is, how it's as necessary for survival as water, food, and shelter. I'm not going to pretend having a spa day and getting a massage could replace being touched by someone I love. It matters, and it hurts. Not just in a superficial high school politics social competition way, or an internally mysogynistic need for validation way, or a boredom way, or even a physically unsatisfied way (though that is no insignificant pain), and certainly not in an entitled school shooter way. It hurts that no one has ever wanted me to love him and express that love to him physically. It hurts that no one has ever loved me or even tolerated me enough to see me as a sexual being. It hurts that no one has ever thought of me as an acceptable partner for the most basic part of being human. It hurts that I am constantly surrounded by people in the stage of life when sex drive is highest, and that it hasn't worked out for me now, and that my prospects are only worse from here on out. It hurts that this is me at my youngest, and, as such, most sexually desirable, and that it will only be harder (or flaccider, rather) from here on out (sorry, I had to).

Puberty and the time when these types of feelings started to develop for me was the same time I started taking various medications. I tried Prozac, Lexapro, Zoloft, went off them and went back on, Spironolactone and birth control for PCOS, Concerta and Adderall for ADHD. Antidepressants didn't make me any happier, estrogen didn't make me any less ugly, and stimulants didn't help me focus. But they all did have an effect on my libido, both in and of themselves and also as a result of all the changes- increases and decreases in dose, taking multiple meds at the same time and by themselves, starting and stopping them, and trying them again, throughout my adolescence. Antidepressants suppressed my libido and my ability to climax, and stimulants started out making me a menace to society, 17 and boy-crazy and just wired all the time, then eventually made me lose all interest and finally plateaued back around where I am naturally. At the beginning, it was such a relief. Desire is a burden. I hope these feelings calm down for me as I get older, though the peak seems still quite some time away. So far, each year has only gotten worse, especially 17.

I'm still a physical person. I'm 18 now, and I feel ready in a vague sort of way. I don't feel ready to have sex right now, but I feel ready to meet someone and fall in love and eventually feel ready then.

I'm demisexual. It took me a long time to figure out. I'm also self-diagnosed with vaginismus. The barrier to diagnosis for me is one of the symptoms. I always ask for a lady doctor, for my pediatrician, dermatologist, psychiatrist, etc., but I've had difficult experiences with healthcare professionals all the same. I could never, ever have any kind of examination. I wouldn't want anyone to see me there or give me any kind of test. I'll never be able to do a pap smear or anything else, either, especially if it involves a speculum. I can use tampons now, but it took several years and it still hurts. Just last month, I was able to use a cup for the first time, though putting it in and taking it out is awful. I use lotion and warm water and I've tried standing all sorts of ways but it's not enough.

I want to be with someone who can satisfy me, who knows how to handle me. Someone who can match me. Someone who wants me as bad as I want him. Someone who can wait, for a long time, and then stop waiting, and then go back to it. Someone who can take nonlinear progress and setbacks and mistakes and awkwardness and vulnerability. I want to be enough for someone.

[adhdanalogbrain]

Do you have any advice on how to make myself go to bed earlier? It doesn't matter how bad the fallout is going to be; some nights I just can't do it.

Ok first of all: Getting to bed is a seriously difficult task for a LOT of people. You are not alone. You are not weird. YOU ARE NOT DOING ANYTHING WRONG. Sleep is just really hard, ok?

Also, for a lot of us, late at night is the only time we can take for ourselves, when we can do what we want and not answer to anybody else. Personal time is really, REALLY important to your mental and physical health. I'm telling you this so that 1) you don't feel guilty for staying up late -- because that is time you need, and your needs are important -- and 2) you can start strategizing ways to get your needs for personal time met before 3am.

Ok. So. First, personal time.

Think about how you can fulfill your personal time quota earlier in the day. I used to come home from work and immediately start doing Household Stuff, and Talking To People stuff. Things got a lot better when I changed it up, so that when i got home i spent an hour in the bedroom with a snack and my phone and the door closed.

Before, I had felt obligated to be in the main part of the house and Available, even tho i was tired and cranky. After, that hour to unwind with the door shut gave me SO much more energy for the rest of the evening and made it easier to go to sleep earlier in the night.

Another reason going to bed on time is hard is because ADHD brains kind of just Be Like That. So you have to outwit your brain. Outwitting your brain takes 2 general strategies:

1. I am going to make it as easy as possible for me to fall asleep when I'm ready

2. I'm going to trick my brain into feeling sleepy

Tactics for #1: Setting Yourself Up For Sleep

Set an alarm to start your nighttime routine at the same time every night. NOTE: This is not an alarm to go to BED, simply to do your routine. Brush your teeth, change your clothes, fill your water glass, take your meds at the same time every night.

Do this even if you're not tired yet

Do this Especially if you're not tired yet.

The point is to get all the Bedtime Tasks done and out of the way so that when you finally get sleepy, the only task you have to do is to close your eyes.

Anything you have to turn your brain back on to do is going to wake you back up and keep you up another half hour, so plan to get all that stuff done before the drowsiness begins.

Try to get enough physical activity during the day. I know when im not active enough, I lay in bed and my feet twitch. and bounce. and take on a life of their own. physical activity of any sort (walks, dance party, chasing the dog, actual formal workouts, etc) can help shake the ants out of your pants come bedtime.

Figure out how late you can consume caffeine without it affecting your bedtime, and STICK TO THAT RULE. For example, I cannot have any caffiene whatsoever after 12 noon. If i do, I'll still be exhausted from 6-11 pm, but at 1am i will be WIRED. Knowing how caffiene affects you can help you control how it affects you.

Ditto for any ADHD meds or other stimulants you may be taking. This may mean you set an alarm at 9am to make sure you have absolutely definitely taken your adderall by then (it is ok to go back to sleep after taking your meds!)

Do you snore? Or breathe loudly at night? Ask your doctor about a sleep test for apnea. You can do it at home and it's super easy.

Also ask your doctor about narcolepsy. because everyone i know with narcolepsy also has ADHD

Do you get migraines? Talk to your doctor about a migraine preventative medication like amitriptyline. It's taken at night, helps you fall asleep, and has the added bonus of also being an antidepressant. (NOTE: Silent, or atypical, migraines can occur which have all sorts of weird neurological symptoms BUT NOT HEADACHE. Do you sometimes feel really fucjin weird for no reason? Look up atypical migraines, and talk to your doctor)

Tactic #2: Trick Your Brain Into Feeling Sleepy

You have probably heard a lot of these already, but here they are again just in case

Turn off any bright lights to make sure your brain knows it's nighttime

Use dark mode AND blue light filter on any devices you use

If you watch TV/videos, try to avoid anything that will get you all worked up before bed

Have a bedtime snack, preferably one not super sugary

DO NOT HAVE BIG IMPORTANT CONVERSATIONS RIGHT BEFORE BEDTIME

Melatonin can help you fall asleep easier. It is now available in gummies.

Turn off the lights. Get in bed. Lay down. Plug in your phone. Scroll tumblr one last time. Put the phone down. Close your eyes. Breathe evenly and work on relaxing all your muscles, starting with your head and slowly working your way down.

If you have super spinning anxiety thoughts every night, tell your doctor / meds prescriber. You may benefit from an anti-anxiety medication taken at bedtime to stop the spinning.

Benadryl can help stop anxiety and get you to sleep. If you havent taken it at bedtime before, try it out the night before an easy day in case you have side effects (mainly grogginess, difficulty waking up).

Meditation apps can help you chill out and fall asleep. I recommend the Mindfulness Coach app from the US Department of Veteran's Affairs -- it is free, has no ads, and is developed by actual psychologists.

Music, audio books and podfics can also help you drown out your thoughts and ease you into sleep

If sounds bother you, try earplugs. Make sure your morning alarm is on LOUD and also VIBRATE.

Try not to think about how hard it is to fall asleep, because that will amp up your anxiety and your heart rate. We're all super good at daydreaming, so set yourself up for a good daydream to ease your way into sleep. Instead of daydreaming about winning fights you lost 5 years ago, focus your intent on easy, chill things. Rewrite the ending to your favorite movie to be even more sappy, for example.

If you are so inclined, orgasm via partnered sex or masturbation can also help you relax enough to sleep.

Finally -- and i cannot over stress this -- remember that this is NOT your fault.

BRAINS ARE WEIRD. Your brain is doing its best, but brains are kind of like dogs. Sometimes they bark at absolutely nothing while being conviced they are protecting the house from invasion. It's annoying and stupid but comes from good intent. Give yourself a break -- and by that i mean, try to forgive yourself for being sucky at sleeping. It is a thing. It is annoying. You can make efforts to change it.

At the end of the day, your value as a person is not defined by your bedtime or how many hours you slept. It is not defined by your ADHD/other brain stuff. You are a valuable person because you are YOU.

[altheterrible]

I can't believe I'm writing this.

I've been suspended from work pending an investigation. They are 100% going to fire me. There's a very real chance I'm going to jail. And it's because I am TOO compassionate and I couldn't let people go without needed medications.

They are saying I stole a bottle of 90 generic adderall 20mg tablets for personal use (ingesting or selling). They believe this because I used the cash register to change the price of the meds from $60 to $0. They have me on camera putting the bottle in my bag.

I know this looks bad. But here is the story as it actually happened.

This kid came through drive thru to drop off a prescription for adderall at about 8:50. I figured he'd just come back tomorrow because we were closing in 10 minutes, but he begged me to let him pick up that night. This set of red flags, so I asked why he needed it.

And kid course it was a fucking tragedy. He was 19 years old per his profile. His parents had kicked him out at 10 because they were stuck off watching him fail at integrating in to society, so he'd been couch surfing. He'd been on Medicaid, so that head gotten cut off at 18 and he had no health insurance. He'd tried various jobs but his ADHD always fucked it up for him. He'd gotten a loan from a buddy so he could afford to see a doctor, and that doctor understood this patient was basically going to disappear from the medical system so a follow up appointment wasn't going to happen. He prescribed adderall on the spot. Sounds shady, but I know this doctor and he's totally legit.

There is one kind of patient I am guaranteed to lock onto forever, and those are kids with no help who are attempting to manage their health anyway. That's exactly what my very early adult life was like. 18, diabetic, no insurance, literally dying as I'm trying to find work. I will not let another kid go through that if I can help it.

I sighed and said, "I'm going to be here until 10. Be back then. I don't want you on camera picking up stuff at ten, so I'll bring it to you in the parking lot." He agreed.

So I took his script. I filled it. I rang it up, and changed the price to 0. I tucked it my bag. I left.

This is the main incident they're investigating, but they said they were going to look into every transaction I made, and any that had price changes, even if the price wasn't 0, they were going to consider stealing.

I've done several price changes for patients who were desperate. People who recently loss their insurance, people who could never even dream of having insurance. Because I could not turn them away. These people had already been fucked over my doctors and dentists and therapists. They'd been fucked over by pharmacies before. The way they approached me was like they were waiting for the humiliation.

I have lived that life. I've been looked down on for being on the assistance program, I've been prescribed medication I needed but could never afford, I had a dentist tell me that fixing my teeth would be $10,000 without insurance and no, they don't ever give reduced rates.

I cannot make a person feel like that. So I'd do what was in my power to do. I knew it was against company policy but I thought I'd get a written correction at worst. Not arrested.

I can't even really talk about the actual meeting. It was fucking traumatic. There was a cop. He read me my miranda rights. I literally couldn't breathe with my one functional lung.

So, yeah. I'm possibly going to jail because I'm too compassionate, basically. Robbing from the rich and giving it to the poor. It never occurred to me to consider it stealing, btw. There were valid patients with valid prescriptions who paid the price that the person in charge of the pharmacy asked. The problem is that I defied the insurance companies and I defied the corporation and now I'm gonna get fucked.

That's life I guess.

[ahsana]

Rehab ~ Dean Winchester

Chapter 1 - The Party

Summary: Gwendolyn Anderson is in her early twenties. For most people that age, they're in college or just starting to find their way. For her, she lost the person closest to her in the universe and she has to find a way to pick up the pieces because everything as she knows it as about to change. After a few events that are less than coincidental, the only thing that seems to make sense anymore is a man with green eyes and a twelve step program.

Pairing: AU!Gabriel Novak x OC!Gwen, AU!Dean Winchester x OC!Gwen & possible other variations. Stay tuned to find out ;)

Word Count: 2038

Chapter Warning: Just like every other chapter in this book so far, there will be detailed drug use, mentions of drugs, paraphernalia, mentions of death and other very sensitive topics. If this could trigger you or set you off in any way possible, I urge you not to read it. If you or someone you know is struggling with addiction, please reach out and get help. You are not alone. Always keep fighting.

Even when things were okay, I still never feared death. I've been on the edge many times; never quite falling off, but never quite holding on either.

A lot of people say overdosing was their rock bottom. It wasn't for me. Heroin is a strong word, and sometimes it even shocks me when I say it. Weird, right?

In health class as a teenager, I saw the pictures of drug addicted people and made a pact with myself in my head that I'd never become one of those people and here I am. I guess I should explain how I got here, though.

« FLASHBACK »

Why did I snort that line? My nose burns, my brain hurts, and my whole body feels like it's buzzing. I'm not exactly sure where the cocaine came from or why exactly I did it but I know that I have to get out of here and fast.

Parties aren't usually my scene, but I figured since it was my last day as a teenager I might as well indulge. My surroundings aren't familiar, just some college frat party that I knew of because I attend school here, but other than that I really have no idea where I am or how I got here.

I'm searching for the exit, pushing past sweaty bodies and other young adults who reek of alcohol and marijuana. I gave up hope halfway through the search because it feels almost as if though it's impossible, so when my eyes land on the staircase in front of me I sigh gratefully.

The door at the end of the hallway is propped open slightly; a large rock wedged between so it couldn't close. The loud music was causing my ears to ring so I walked as quickly as I could and became elated when I realized the door at the end of the hallway leading to outside, giving me a chance to get some fresh air.

I push the door open and realize it's heavier than I first assumed, so I try and let it close behind me gently so it doesn't knock rock out of place. I inhale deeply and look around, only to be met with the fact that I'm on the roof somehow.

"Wow," I mutter, and make my way towards the edge of the building; my shoes making the gravel of the rooftop crunch along the way. I peered over the ledge, and for a second considered flying.

Worse case scenario, I land flat on the pavement, ultimately dying in the process or I make it to the rooftop across the way. I step onto the ledge, squat and then sit; dangling my legs over the side of the building.

My heart is pounding a hundred miles a minute, and all of a sudden tears start streaming down my face.

"I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend," I gasp out of shock because I didn't realize that I wasn't alone up here—and also because a random man is singing to me. I turn my head to face the mystery man and am pleasantly surprised. "You could cut ties with all the lies, that you've been living in," He continues, and I recognize the song and join in with him.

“And if you do not want to see me again, I would understaaaand. I would understaaand," We both sing in unison, and the stranger lets out a fit of giggles which makes me laugh in return.

"So Miss, how are you on this lovely night?" He questions.

"You aren't even going to ask me my name?" I inquire with a grin.

"Nope, don't need to." I nod in response, pretending to understand why.

“I'm doing well, by the way." I add.

"That's amazing.. or.. would be, if you were telling the truth." I cock my brow up, and he quickly adds, "I mean you wouldn't be sitting on the ledge for nothing, right?"

I shake my head in disagreement. "That's where you've got it wrong, sir."

"Sir? Do I really look that old?" He jokes.

"No, but I'm not sure what to call you since we don't need to know each other's names." The stranger sits beside me and lets his legs dangle over the building as well. I take a closer look at his features that are illuminated by the street lights below and I am captivated.

The ridge of his nose, the length of his lashes and his eyes—Wow, his eyes. It's dark, but I can tell that they're brown with a swirl of honey and it reminds me of a Hershey's bar.

"So, did you find what you were looking for?" He asks, and I shake my head no for the second time. "Well then what are you doing?" I shrug. "You're not very talkative, are you?" He asks, seeming genuinely curious.

"I am, but I'm not sure what to say. I'm at a party, drunk and high off coke, sitting with a stranger on the edge of the roof; trying to come up with something I could tell you but I'm at a loss for words here." The man gives me a goofy grin in return.

"Well. We'll probably never see each other again, so why don't you tell me your biggest secret?" I laugh out loud.

"Sir, I've known you for mere minutes and you want me to do something like that? Strange." I mumble in awe.

"I'm not from around here, so I couldn't possibly hold it against you in any way."

"Why did you come here then?" I ask.

"Free booze."

"Interesting. Here—I'll make you a deal. I'll tell you mine if you tell me yours." I whisper cheekily to him and he nods his head, agreeing.

"Sure. Okay. Let's start," he thinks for a moment, "My guilty pleasure is Lazy Town, the kids show."

"Ha! That's an awful secret, shame on you!" I reply but laughing while doing so.

"Fine, fine. Um, when I was seventeen I slept with my best mate's girlfriend. He still doesn't know." He whispers guiltily.

"Wow, that's pretty deep. Are they still together?" He nods.

"Been together for eight years, married for three—with two kids."

I chuckle, "How do you know you aren't the baby daddy?"

"Timeline doesn't add up—trust me, I did the calculations as soon as she told everyone she was pregnant the summer after we graduated high school," He trailed off but then turned his head towards me, "Your turn."

I gulp, and try and think of something.

"Um... Well, I might as well go all out then. My parents are both government officials. Amelia and Doug Anderson?" I throw the names out to see if he recognizes them.

"Holy shit," He marvels. "You're Gwendolyn Anderson. I should have recognized you as soon as I seen you! You and your parents are all over TV." I sigh.

"Yeah. But call me Gwen, I hate it when people call me Gwendolyn. Anyways—That's not exactly my secret." I look towards him and he motions for me to continue.

"I don't know why I'm telling you this but.. here we go. My entire life, I've felt like the weight of the world has been on my shoulders. Ever since I was a kid my parents have been pushing me to be the best in every category there has been or ever will be. My senior year of high school was the worst, obviously because of the impending doom of getting into the best college and working on getting scholarship offers; meanwhile keeping all A's, playing volleyball and volunteering."

I continued, glancing back now and then to see if he was still paying attention and he was alert the entire time. "It got to the point where.. I needed some extra help. Adderall was basically my scapegoat and how I functioned for the entire year. My parents were so busy being wrapped up in their own lives and pushing me to my limit that they never discovered I lost myself along the way. Now I'm in college, and I'm still trying to find my way back to a happy medium. But when I looked down at the ground, I realized that for some reason it doesn't even matter anymore."

"And what do you mean by that?"

"Have you ever gotten to the point where you feel like you're just numb? Everything is grey scale and there's no color at all? I'm just going through the motions. There's no highs or lows; only this weird middle ground. I thought coming to this party tonight and getting trashed would make me feel better but it didn't change anything." He nods, knowingly. I can tell he understands. He rests his left hand on top of my right one and somehow it felt like my body couldn't get any hotter.

I should be scared, uncomfortable even. I just met this guy and don't even know his name but I'm letting him touch me like we've been friends all our lives. A sudden thought makes me speak up.

"You know, it's not really fair that you get to know my name and I don't know yours." He chuckles.

“It's Gabriel." I smile because it's very fitting. He looks like a Gabriel.

"That's a beautiful name."

He laughs, "Beautiful? More like average. Your name is beautiful."

"I wholeheartedly disagree. I have a grandma name, at least yours fits your age no matter how old you are." He smiles. We sit in silence, his hand still resting on top of mine and I take another look down at the ground.

"How long do you think it would take to reach the ground?" I ask as if he'd actually know the answer.

"For a suicidal person? Too long. For a person just looking for some answers, too fast."

“How do you know which is which?" Gabriel lets out a grunt and laughs.

"Well, do you want to die?" He asks, raising his voice but continues smiling; which is oddly contagious.

"I don't think I'd ever do anything to speed up the process, so ultimately no. Probably not."

"I guess there's an answer then." Gabriel replies.

"An answer?"

"Yeah, the one of many you're looking for. I won't have them all, though."

"B-But I thought you were an all-knowing wizard!" I gasp out sarcastically.

"No, no. But... I maybe might have one.. just for now,"

I raise my eyebrow again and ask, "What might that be?" Gabriel reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny baggie with pills inside of it.

"You might like these," he whispers gently.

"Ah, man. I don't know--"

“I'm sure drugs weren't the first thing you thought of, but maybe they'll help you forget until tomorrow." I sigh and stick my hand out apprehensively.

"What are they?" I question.

"Percocet. Strongest prescription." I nod, remember hearing some of my peers talking about it previously this week. I swallow two of them without a second thought.

« FLASHBACK OVER »

I look down at the person who brought me into this mess, and his face is quickly turning a light shade of blue.

"Gabe, God, You fucking idiot! I told you not to do that much!" I shout and dial 911 as quickly as possible.

The next thing I know, I'm sitting on the front porch steps of his apartment as they're carrying him away on a stretcher. My best friend is dead, and I can officially say I'm terrified.

[shkspr]

here's what my week has been like so far: steph was gone for a funeral and deb is a bitch and karen is an idiot. deb saw that the front office was calling us and chose not to answer the phone bc she knew they were gonna tell us to move out of the cafeteria bc they had it booked for something else and nobody told us but even if nobody told us we still had to move and deb thought that just ignoring the call was the way to deal with that and i was still trying to check in all our kids and she was no help at all and i had to make them pack everything up to move to the music room and she didn't help with any of it and then before i was even done moving our shit over there she was like i'm gonna take some kids up to the media Center which sure we're allowed to do that but that left me and karen to watch like 50 kids and karen decided to take some of them to the art room which is right next door so it was fine but then I'm the one who has to keep track of where each kid is and then when deb left at 530 she brought the kids back down with her and like two minutes later i was like hey where are these two kids and karen didnt know bc they had been in the media Center with deb and then they didn't come back so I started slightly freaking out and went to go look for them and they were with their dad and apparently their dad came to the media center first and saw them and so he was like I'll walk them down to the music room to get their stuff and sign them out but they had to go to the bathroom or smth so they just werent down there yet but deb straight up decided she didn't need to tell me that they were with their dad bc apparently she thinks I don't notice when kids are not there. and also we're in the music room for the rest of the week and we don't have access to the gym and the kids were a fucking nightmare yesterday i'm talking throwing toys at each other throwing electronics at the wall running in the music room yelling yelling yelling running throwing yelling and they need the gym to get their energy out and the next two days are gonna fucking suck. and on top of that we can't watch a movie like we usually would to keep them occupied bc i asked the music teacher this morning if we could use the smartboard, which is easy and would not affect her in literally any way, and she went on a five minute rant about how she doesnt have time to help me figure out how it works bc this is the only planning time she gets and she's gonna have to spend an hour cleaning up after we leave bc we move her shit and dont put it back and we leave our toys everywhere which is absofuckinglutely untrue we're not animals and we have literally never left that room any different from how we found it and she was such a bitch to me about it and like sorry lady but when school functions override our access to our own fucking room this is the only place we can go and we dont like it any more than you do. and as if that wasn't enough i'm also on my period and sleep deprived and i have a sinus headache and my bank account is overdrawn and my check engine light is on and my tire pressure light is on and there's a chip in my windshield and i'm about to run out of adderall again and i'm having a bad bad ed time so i'm malnourished too like hangry and self loathing at the same time so overall i sincerely need one (1) thing to be right or good for like five FUCKING seconds or i'll go off the gd damn deep end