#and I hate so much i cant find a way to analyze and study her work without losing neutrality

[aroace-cat-lady]

And I am biased too!!! Which upsets me even more!!! Like ughhhhhhhh!!!!!! I disagree with takes cuz, my friend, you're choosing to ignore xyz!!! And to not look under the surface!!! That's why you're wrong!!! But I only xyz cuz I chose to engage with her!!! I only know these things and I see deeper cuz I care!!! And I hate it!!! I hate I can't be neutral!!!

[gojology]

— gojo, megumi, yuuji | crushing on dense fem reader

the request :

pairing : gojo, megumi, and yuuji x dense fem! reader warnings : cursing, no proof reading wordcount : 1212 a/n : anon i cant believe u asked for hcs when im this bad at writing them ... girl r u good ?

GOJO SATORU  ‧₊˚✩彡.

☆ Now, Gojo is as straightforward as it gets with relationships. 

☆ When Gojo first realized he had a thing for you, he was all for it! I mean, what’s not to like about you? 

☆ He obviously forgot how dense you are. Any expression of love towards you was fruitless, it was like you didn’t give another thought. 

☆ He would wrap a hand around your waist, call you affectionate nicknames, show you off to a very disgusted  and uninterested Yuuji and Nobara. Rarely did Megumi join in, he was probably off doing his own thing.

☆ You just thought he was being friendly. 

☆ He finds your density kind of enduring, often finding himself studying you, just to make sure no one’s hurting you. 

☆ Gojo felt like some sort of guardian angel looking after you 24/7, but he doesn’t mind watching you.

☆ I feel like sometimes he just straight up says, “I like you.” you chalk it up as some sort of... twisted joke. And he’s getting frustrated at this point.

☆ When you’re off campus, off doing your own thing, he discusses with Shoko, asking her what his best chances are. 

☆ Gojo absolutely follows every advice Shoko gives him, even if it’s stupid, because honestly he hasn’t got any experience with a girl as dumb as you. He’s tried everything at this point!

☆ When you and Gojo are doing your own thing, alone, he leans in real close to you, and it takes everything in him to not kiss your lips. That’s what Shoko thinks might work, near physical contact was enough of a sign to say, “Hey! I like you.” 

☆ Shoko always says that you probably won’t realize any approach other then a direct one, and this was direct enough right?

☆ This piece of advice he particularly ignores, though. He doesn’t go all the way with the advice, he’s scared of ruining the friendship, no matter what Shoko says.

☆ He values you as a friend so deeply, you always seem to forget that he’s the most powerful, and he enjoys the normal relationship between the two of you.

☆ Gojo never, ever wants to lose that. He’d rather call you pumpkin then the rest of his life, while you obliviously stared back, then call you another friendship gone haywire. 

☆ So you two just look at each other, all silent. You’re obviously curious why he’s staring at you with a starving pair of eyes, but eventually he laughs it off and hands you his favorite candy that he always kept in his pocket. 

☆ He hands you your favorite flavor, because he always remembers it. 

☆ You walk away, chewing and rolling the candy around on your tongue, and he wishes he could taste how your mouth tastes afterward. 

MEGUMI FUSHIGURO ‧₊˚✩彡.

☆ Poor Megumi over here, he’s basically a tsundere.

☆ Megumi hate’s confrontation, so he does EVERYTHING in his power so he doesn’t have to tell you directly.

☆ Nonetheless, he has a horribly bad crush on you. He also has trouble hiding it.

☆ Thing is, he doesn’t want to fuck up the friendship. After all, he was your “study partner”. 

☆ You’d often find yourself in his room, analyzing old Jujutsu writings for Gojo’s homework assignments. (Why the guy assigned homework, you have no idea.)

☆ Megumi was silent. He didn’t like speaking unless being spoken to. This changed with you. 

☆ While you’re writing or doodling in your journal, he sneaks glances at you. 

☆ Once in a while, he’ll realize you’re writing a word incorrectly.

☆ Instead of taking an eraser like any normal person does, Megumi insists that he would help you write out the words

☆ Holding your hand, he’d guide you, muttering the letters under his breath.

☆ He wishes he could hold your hand forever, it’s warm compared to his cold ones, and then his mind wanders.

☆ Wondering just how warm your cuddles get. 

☆ Blushing ferociously now, he looks down at the paper, and you look at him, confused as to why he stopped writing. 

☆ He’s incredibly stiff, he doesn’t wanna think about that while you’re right in front of him. You tap him a few times, and he jolts back to Earth. 

☆ You ask him what he was doing, but he doesn’t reply, instead stroking your hand’s skin and grumbling words you couldn’t understand. 

☆ You sit there, maybe he has anxiety, that’s why he’s stroking you like a therapy cat. 

☆ Megumi’s weighing out the positives and negatives of asking you out right this second, but his anxiety prevents him. He touches your skin subconsciously. 

☆ Negatives always seem to win though, he doesn’t wanna risk losing his friend. He turns back to look at your face once more, fluttering his long eyelashes, taking a deep breath in, and continuing the assignment. 

☆ “Next time” is all that echoes in the back of his mind.

☆ You just think it’s a bit weird, to be honest. Why does he look at you that way?

☆ You just think that he has his moments of too intensely thinking. 

ITADORI YUUJI ‧₊˚✩彡.

☆Like you, Yuuji’s also dense. ☆ Unlike you, he has the power and the courage of asking Gojo what these feelings were. ☆ “Yuuji-kun, have you ever felt love for someone special before?” ☆ “No, what’s that, Gojo-senpai?”  ☆ “That’s the feeling you get around (Y/N). You think she’s cute, I bet that.” ☆ That’s how the bastard found out he had a crush on you, through his equally as stupid teacher. ☆ This clearly spelled out disaster. ☆ Whenever you and Yuuji went out on missions, Yuuji would offer to cover for your role in the mission as well, claiming that you needed a break. ☆ “Why?” you’d ask ☆ “Because, I like you.” ☆ “Wow, Itadori-kun! You’re really nice!” you say, a smile on your lips, “Honestly though that’s a lot of work on your shoulders, I think I’ll-” ☆ He would stop you in his tracks, and kind of look at you. ☆ Yuuji thinks your work ethic is precious, and he deeply admires that. ☆ He also thinks your density is really cute, but he worries that he’s not masculine enough for you. ☆ This is why he tries to appear more, “macho” as he says it, around you ☆ But inside, he’s soft, and soft for you only. ☆ Despite his usual friendly and carefree personality, he would punt someone into the horizon if they looked at you different. He was overprotective that way. ☆ But you never truly got the hint, and he always was upset by this, in which Gojo would comfort him, and the cycle would restart. ☆ But here’s the problem: he doesn’t want to ruin the relationship. As much as he trusts Gojo, nothing was showing out of his obvious flirting, and eventually his confidence wore out. ☆ Sometimes he still tries talking to you in that flirty manner, but you just tilt your head and kinda go, “What?” ☆ Giving you a big, reassuring grin, he gives you a thumbs up. ☆ He sighs as he does so, telling you, “Nevermind.” and talks about something else. ☆ Deep down, he’s cursing himself out, he thinks it’s all his fault and not you just being stupid.

[dead-ghouls]

Theres no way that i could ask for a break down of what you see in his ftes in ask format is is there?? I already love korekiyo, but I'm really curious about what you have to say.

I can do that! The only thing is that most of what he says I’ll be quoting from memory, but direct quotes can be found in his FTEs and in-game dialogue on wiki. I’ll do my best to provide as many screenshots as I can, but I doubt I will be able to find all, it’s a very long process and I dont have the whole day.V3 spoilers below, ofc. Also TW various types of abuse, you know the drill if you played the game. Long post!Let’s start from what we know about Korekiyo. What makes him Korekiyo, what makes him stand out, what’s special about him. 

- Unique outfit- Long hair- His deep knowledge of anthropology- His interest in occult/speaking to the dead- His deep relationship with death, grief and how he looks at it- His love for ropes- Being a serial killer

Now let’s break down every trait he has and where it comes from.

Unique outfit

FTE 3, he tells us his sister made it for him to suit her tastes, claiming his school uniform doesnt suit him.

Long hairI don’t remember if it was mentioned in-game, but it was mentioned in V3 manga anthology, that his long hair is a memento to his sister, since she had long hair, so he refuses to cut it. It is stated that events of manga obviously not canon, but I dont think this claim was outside of his canon characterisation. 

His deep knowledge of anthropology

In the same FTE he mentions that Sister was the one who “pushed him to research as much as he could”

His interest in occult/speaking to the dead + his relationship with death and griefI dont think i gotta find proof for that, he mentioned travelling looking to speak to the dead, the whole ch 3 with Caged Child + he mentioned having near-death experience after a seanse (see next bullet point), and that’s how his Sister came to him.He speaks about human mortality and coming to terms with it, but he himself cant do that. 

He doesnt fear death, maybe he even seeks it - to reunite with his Sister [cut to him enduring his execution and seeing his spirit happy and free, ready to meet her] but no way he could properly cope with human mortality and his own grief. That’s where all the occult stuff comes in - him telling how he tried so many things and how nothing worked (?). He says it during ch3 investigation, if you wanna look for a direct quote. Him being into occult, speaking with the dead, being possessed by his Sister - all of it is just his ways of coping with loss. He was very dependant on her (I’ll talk about it more below) and couldnt stand being alone.

His love for ropesOf course it can be a kinky thing but also look closely at this exchange:

This incident with ropes is what actually ended up “reuniting” him with his Sister. Of course he’d hold a special interest to this kind of activity after. 

Being a serial killerWell this one is obvious. Who did he kill? Girls. Why did he do it? To bring friends to his Sister. Simple as that.

Now look back at every bullet point and tell me: do you see a pattern? Yep, every aspect of his life, likes, personality, experiences, even his looks - it all traces back to his Sister. Controlling what he wears, what he does, what he likes; even after her death he is deeply affected and is devoted to doing everything in her name. Now try to recall one single thing about Korekiyo that wasn’t his Sister influence. Something he likes maybe? Something he enjoys on his own free time? Even his official dislike is a reference to a gift you might give in-game, an air refreshener that exorcises ghosts [He believes that he is possesed]. All I can think of is him telling he prefers green tea over black in one of FTEs. Korekiyo that we see and interact with in game isn’t his own person, just a reflection of grief, his Sister wants and needs. His whole existence is just a devotion to his late Sister, and it was the same way when she was alive.

Sister’s personality

From what I mentioned you should already hear the faint bells ringing in your head. “Pushed me to study” “Told me my uniform doesnt suit me” “I will kill people because her spirit told me to”He respected her, depended on her a lot. No shit, Sherlock - he was his Older Sibling. A side note, he never mentioned anyone else from his family, only said that they “had to hide their relationship from others” once. Sadly, I cant remember where it was said. No matter if he had any family present or not (having no family would worsen the case, but with family present its still fucked up) he still depended on her a lot, maybe considered her a parental figure, or at the very least - a role model. Korekiyo’s analysis on youtube brings up a very valid point - anthropology couldve been her passion as well, she just couldnt actually fullfill it because of the sickness. Explains her “pushing” him to research it.Basically we have an older sibling holding power over a younger sibling, presumably, from a younger age. More of her personality and influence can be seen in his trial. “You mustnt lose composure, you mustnt become flustered, you mustnt waver”Im linking this bit, but I strongly recommend rewatching the full version where his Sister appears. She appears to be his guardian, keeping him in check, making him act right. Telling him what to do and how to act. She appears in moments of distress when he needs comfort. He depends on her, he listens, he does everything she tells him to. Im not gonna get into the whole tulpa thing, so if youre not on board with it, I recommend reading into it more, even wiki has a brief explanation. Basically this possession is just his mind, but it does hold her true personality. So Sister is: assertive, calm, plays a role of guardian, has power over Korekiyo due her age, his respect and dependance on her, probably her being his parental figure. 

Now tell me, how this power dynamic could be healthy, consensual and (a very popular opinion in the fandom) this relationship was started from Korekiyo’s advances? How a younger sibling, that was so dependant and devoted could be in a consensual relationship with his older sibling that always tells him what to do?Korekiyo was groomed, he’s a victim. Most people in fandom hate him for being creepy and a sister-banging freak, because he doesn’t fit your cookie-cutter perseption of abuse victims. Everyone thinks that abuse victims only come in “i hate my abuser, i am currently away from them and i am healing” package. Korekiyo was never given a chance to realize it was wrong, he never got a chance to heal. He was groomed, abused, used and forced into relationship. Told that it was secret and sacred, that theyre breaking the boundaries, that’s why he mustnt tell anyone about it. Of course he believed her - its his Sister. She convinced him that his love and dependance on her was romantic/sexual love.

The same analysis brings up a good point of his Sister guilt tripping him because of her illness. Never getting a chance for romantic love, never getting a chance to make friends.

What breaks my heart is that after all of this, after devoting his life to his Sister, studying what she wanted, wearing what she wanted, killing for her sake and even being executed because of her - he says that he wasn’t enough.

TLDR - Their power dynamic is very obvious from his FTEs and the trial, he was clearly groomed and abused, never got to recover from her manipulations. And fandom either fetishisizes their relationship, excusing their nasty kinks by saying it was consensual, or hates him because they never took the time to analyze the content. He was abused, he was manipulated, god knows what else was done to him when she was alive, and he died driven to insanity, full of grief devoted to his Sister and blaming himself for not being enough. As a side-note: it is completely okay being uncomfortable with his character/everything that happened in ch3. You dont owe anyone interacting with the piece of media depicting such topics. Your comfort and safety comes first. Kodaka is a shitty fucking writer. What is not okay is hating a character for being a victim. 

I probably missed a lot, my brain is very disorganized, so feel free to ask more questions/add your own opinion. 

[breathings-of-the-heart]

Levi x Reader Part 3

Love me Black and Blue

A/N: Happy New Year, everyone! Hope all’s well so far, and looking forward to 365 days of self-love, prosperity, human relations, and of course, more Shingeki no Kyojin! I don’t really have a preface for this chapter, other than the fact that its probably one of my favorites. As always, enjoy <3

(Part 1);  (Part 2) (Part 4 sneak peek)

Please don’t tell me they already left...

You bolted forward, hissing in pain as your wrapped ankle protested against the fast and sudden movement of running. A self-induced sense of urgency spurred you onward despite it, but such carelessness twisted the injury further as you misstepped, stumbling forward slightly.

You barely flinched, bending down and tightening the bandages before treading forward once more with a bit more awareness. And without missing a beat, a distant gallop of horse hooves shook the ground. Like a cat hunting prey, your orbs darted towards the direction of the sound and spurred you onward.

“Of all days to wake up late,” you hissed underneath your breath, voice dripping with sarcasm.

A few greetings were tossed your way as you passed, casual at first until those who laid eyes on your intense gaze gave you a double take.

Your shirt wasn’t completely buttoned, the sleeve tucked on one end and rolled down on the other. Usually kempt (h/c) locks were a tangled mess tossed over your shoulders, pants consisting of flimsy sleeping shorts. It was probably a ridiculous sight to see you limping across camp so ungracefully, and in such a condition.

Catching a certain someone was more important than the throbbing sensation or uncharacteristic behavior, however.

“Captain Levi!”

Seeing a onyx-haired male just a few paces ahead of you now, you reached your arm out and tugged on the Captain’s sleeve desperately to stop him. But the burst of speed and short distance between the two of you was something you hadn’t considered.

He halted the uniform stride abruptly. You broke pace, yet being in such a hurried state left transitioning time too narrow. Unable to halt yourself in time, you collided with Levi’s sturdy back…

… and the ground slipped from beneath you.

“Shi--”

Weight precariously balanced on your back heels, you screwed your eyelids shut to prepare for your collision with the hard earth.

But the impact never came.

Levi turned around curiously, seeing the situation and calmly yet unnaturally quickly slipping his arm around your waist before you could completely trip backwards.

He muttered a small “tch,” at your lack of professionalism and shook his head, looking down to give you a much-needed lecture.

“(Y/N), how many times have I--” 

Levi’s eyes flickered lower, but as soon as they did, he froze.

The current angle of your half-dipped figure and barely covered cleavage made it difficult to restrain himself from... staring. Of course you’d be oblivious about such a thing.

Levi screwed his eyelids shut in exasperation.

“--Forget it,” he finished, reverting to his usual collected self. “I won’t waste my breath.”

You tentatively opened your eyes, hands gently brushing against Levi’s firm chest. Even underneath his uniform, you could feel his impressive muscles, and became embarrassed for not hating his hand gripping your side. Heichou’s body against yours made your heart pound so fiercely you were afraid he would be able to feel it.  

Stunned the whole situation, your pupils dilated as you were given the opportunity to properly admire the man in front of you.

But the moment had to end as Humanity’s Strongest cleared his throat and heaved you upwards. Blushing, you dusted yourself off as the tension-filled scene passed. Nearly everyone who knew Levi also knew it was impossible to deny his handsome appearance, but you were professional.

Maybe not at the moment, but...

“You’re a mess,” he clicked his tongue in disapproval. You rubbed your arm sheepishly at the comment. “Why aren’t you in the infirmary?” his voice brought you back to focus and you felt yourself flush once again.

“There aren’t any medics around to keep me away, and I just wanted to see you off, is all…” you answered shyly, biting the inside of your cheek.

“I literally think it’s impossible for you to just… do as you’re told,” he admonished finally as you observed the unamusement in his steele blue-gray orbs. Levi prepared to tell you off for disregarding your health so easily, but as he got a better look at you, something stopped him.

His fixed look shifted from your heaving torso down to the bandages on your leg, the panting of your laboured breathing filling the air.

Guilt and worry reflected your off of your eyes, pure and innocent. Your already petite form seemed even smaller underneath your crestfallen posture, and combining with the utter chaos of your appearance and the pain in your ankle you must’ve been ignoring to reach Levi so quickly, he couldn’t help but soften his expression a fraction.

You were simply really, really worried for your family.

“It’s just… This is the first time I won’t be going with you all, sir. I’m not used to it, and…” there was a pause. “I don’t like it...”

Petra’s gaze flitted to where you and Levi were stood, and she motioned to everyone around her, all nearby and saddling up their horses. They all smiled warmly, the waves of concern and anxiety radiating from you feasible from where they gathered around. The Captain felt their burning stares and ignored them, narrowed his eyes at you instead.

You grew flustered. Was he really angry with you for wanting to say goodbye? You replayed the brief conversation in your head, trying to find where it went wrong.

Oh.

“Not that I don’t think you’re capable without me! You obviously can handle yourselves just fine, even if you were all on your own. I don’t think I carry the squad or anything. I know you are--”

“--(Y/N)?” he cut you off, efficiently abridging your words. Out of nervous habit, you bit your lip. Levi squad all sauntered towards you, synchronized even in their steps.

“It’s just a regulation border patrol,” he continued, unfazed as they all approached. Oluo rested his arm on your shoulder, and you had to crane your head upwards to look at him, reluctantly breaking focus from the short Captain.

“Don’t worry, Shorty Girl. We’ll be back before you know it. Hell, I could probably do one of these by myself. In my sleep,” he boasted, predictably. You smiled softly at his pompous attempt to reassure you. Petra, unaffected by the Levi-wannabe’s ‘charm’, rolled his eyes.

“So you’re telling me you can spot titans with your eyes closed, dumbass?”

Before he could respond, Levi took initiative over the inevitable pointless bickering that was about to break out.

“Let’s stop wasting my time and actually get this over with,” he ordered, gaze never leaving you as he waved them off. Gunther sent you a discreet thumbs up as Eld pulled him away, waving at you as she went. Your stomach churned with anxiety regardless.

“I’m sorry, Heichou,” you croaked, playing with the ends of your hair. Levi sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“Stop worrying about it, brat. It’s not your fault. And start taking better care of yourself, if you want to come with us next time.”

“Yes, sir,” you conceded defeatedly, watching desparidly as Levi turned to mount his horse. Seeing his back to you, about to leave to the uncertainty of the outside, made something snap, though, and you tugged on his sleeve once again.

“Captain, wait!” you nearly shrieked, fear growing in a frantic spurt. He looked back, raising an eyebrow.

“Yes?”

There was a pause.

“I...uh…” to be honest, you had nothing else to say. All you knew is that you didn’t want him to go just yet.

You really cared about them, didn’t you?

“Oi,” the stoic man interrupted, lamenting to the crestfallen, puppy-eyed countenance you were wearing. He reached out, pulling your hand away from the hair it was tugging at.

“We’ll come find you when we get back.”

You sighed, but there was an undeniable sincerity in his words. Levi paused, studying your expression for an awkward, silent minute as if daring you to question the statement.

“Okay,” you gave in, skin suddenly set ablaze where Levi’s fingers touched it. The gnawing worry was forgotten if only for an instant. “I guess you should be off, then, so you can return before I drive myself insane.”

Levi’s gaze met yours steadily, gears turning in his head as he monotonously analyzed the dejection in your expression. He raised his hand and signalled to the squad behind him to move out.

Petra, Gunther, Eld, and Oluo all waved to you in turn before galloping off. You were sure Humanity’s Strongest was going to leave without another word, and the churning feeling in your gut made you lightheaded as the Captain’s grip on his horse’s reins grew tighter. It must’ve been evident on your face.

Levi rolled his eyes.

“Have a little faith, (Y/N),” He insisted apathetically before turning his horse to join the others, leaving you behind.

You nodded in defeat, watching the Special Operations Squad disappear in the distance, without you alongside them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You sat on the nurse’s desk table, one leg hanging off and the other propped up, your head resting on your knee. Hange scuffled around, grabbing certain items for her titan experiments as you watched her intently.

She seemed to be in search of a particular item, eyes squinted in concentration. A bundle of materials rested in one of her arms, filled with intimidating scalpels, lighters, and vials of unknown substances. You began absentmindedly playing with the hem of your long skirt, the shuffle of the brunette’s movements blurring in your ears.

After rummaging through the cabinets for a solid five minutes, she pulled at her hair in frustration, whipping around to face you.

“(Y/N)...” she whined, rather loudly, jolting you back to awareness. “I can’t find a needle, and you’re just sitting there doing nothing!”

You shot the scientist a fierce glare and pulled out the drawer from the desk underneath you, pointing to the object she was looking for in silence. Hange shook her head softly, plucking the injection from its place.

“I’m getting gray hairs just staring at you, you know. Honestly, it’s like there’s a dark cloud pouring rain over your head. They’re fine, (Y/N). Lighten up.”

You crossed your arms and stuck your nose in the air defensively.

“I didn’t ask you to babysit me, so don’t complain about me polluting your good mood. You can always go if you want to.”

She clicked her tongue.

“Actually, I can’t. Corporal Shorty demanded I watch you while they’re gone.” There was a twinkle of humor in her eyes.

Taken aback, you scoffed lightly. “What does he think I’m going to do? I can barely move five feet in front of me.”

Hange laughed, provocatively grinning at you before turning around to grab a bag to place her things. The disposition in the room changed, and you knew the next thing out of the scout’s mouth would be utter ridiculousness.  

“I don’t know, (Y/N). Why would someone as dark and brooding as Corporal Shorty leave someone in charge to make sure your angelic self stays perfectly safe in this room?”

So you had been correct. Noting that you were in a particularly sour mood, you saved no expense in considering Hange’s potentially gentle ego as you bluntly glowered at her.

“You know I hate it when people speak in riddles. Insinuation is pointless, Hange. Either say what you mean or shut the hell up,” you huffed, any semblance of your typically cheery personality having disappeared with your squad members.

Hange folded her arms across her chest and you inhaled deeply, wondering what had come over you.

“You’re too perfect for words, (Y/N),” the woman laughed, poking you on the nose sweetly. “No wonder Levi has taken a liking to you.”

Your cheeks flamed. If you weren’t already red from you interaction with said man that morning, you were probably scarlet now. Gauging your reaction, Hange doubled over her strange cackling growing in volume as you willed your mind not to wander off into daydream about his perfectly sculpted body, alluring orbs, defined jawline--

Wait. Since when did I start thinking about that?

“Yeah, you’re perfect for his squad,” she finished, placing a hand on her hip.

Oh. That’s what Hange meant. Of course.

You cleared your throat, willing your face to cool down in the process. She was so friendly, you started to feel sorry for snapping at her the way you did.

“I’m sorry for my bitterness, Hange,” you started apologetically. “It’s just that my job is to help them, so when I can’t, what am I good for?”

“--If you want to help, it will do well for you to stay put and heal. Petra can’t survive much longer without someone to help her tame the other brats,” a voice broke in.

You perked up instantly as your gaze snapped to the familiar sound, nearly jumping off the table after realizing Levi was leaning against the doorframe. Sunlight seemed brighter, and the world regained a bit of its color.  

“Naturally. Only you can handle for such a task by yourself,” you smiled, feeling the ton of weight lifting from your chest.

Love and relief for your teammates hitting you like a rush as he sauntered closer. Your first impulse was to throw your arms around the short-statured man as soon as he was in arms-length, but you tightened your fists instead, puzzled by the urge to do such a thing. He placed himself between your legs and blew his hair out of his face.

“Hm,” Levi grunted, as if agreeing to the statement.

The raven turned to Hange, as if suddenly remembering her presence while you held your breath next to him.

“You can go now, if you’d like.”  

She nodded, clutching her things tighter.

“Finally! She’s been a pain in the ass, that one,” the glasses-clad female exclaimed, a cheeky smirk plastered on her face. She ducked with the preknowledge that something would be chucked at her head.

Your glower was pressing daggers into her skin, but nevertheless, Hange winked at you as she ushered herself out of the room.

Without much of a warning, Levi placed your hands on his shoulders and his own on your hips.

“Down you go. The others are waiting for you,” he montoned, assisting you gently climb down from the cold, steel table.

Touching Levi’s broad shoulders alongside with the fact that you hadn’t needed help at all, which he knew, made your heart pound. The entire way to the mess hall, he kept a soft touch on the small of your back to guide you, making sure you wouldn’t trip. He looked down at your shorter form and leaned down to whisper something.

“Oh, and in case you thought I was being nice: two weeks of kitchen duty for disrespecting Hange.”

Something nagging bloomed in your stomach despite Levi’s unknowingly seductive tone, however; a distant memory chiming in demand to be remembered. One that made your palms sweat as you stole a glance at him.

[lovingikesen]

Character Configuration

Hi! I have seen a lot of post with tips to help you writters make better stories and characters, even though i dont write i still find it fun, its just my energy and focus goes for drawing and animating rather than writting, but still on University i have two semester of writting script where we create characters, whole stories from 0 and cool stuff. My boyfriend study to write movies -and any type of visual content- so i have learn a lot from him too.

They teach us a basic way to create characters that we call 'torta de cuatro', i guess that it would be something like cake of four. Its really simple, when you are creating a character you have to think of four aspects of them, these would be:

Their social life: how they interact with others, how is they life after school, job, etc, how they are socially, are they shy? Are they extrovert? They love having an active social life or prefer to be more quiet? Do they make friends easily? Or have just a few. How are they when hanging around with their friends and how they try to make friends, if they do not try to make them, then why? Did they have a friend that traition them? Or what. Things like that.

Their family: how is the family of the character, it has siblings? They get along well? Or they hate each other. Did the mom die? Alright, then why? And how that affect your character? It has daddy issues? Fine, but why? Their parents care about them? Are they overprotective? Or really dont care and only pay attention to their personal issues.

Laboral aspect: do they work? On what? Its happy with that? Or wish to have another job. If thats the case, what job is their dream job? And why that one and why it doesnt have it yet, because cant find it? Because it feels like it will be bad on it? How is the economy of that character? You know, like rich? Has trouble to make it trhough the whole month? Or isnt poor but isnt the best neither? You character doesnt work because is still on high school or in university? Okey, then write about it, how are their grades? Goes to class consistentily? Or it does skip them? And why.

Personal aspect: how they are when they are alone, in they privacy, like they true-self. When they doesnt have to put a mask on their faces to show it to somebody else, how are they.

A good example to analyze would be Helga Pataki, she is really rude when it comes to her social life, really dominating person, a little bit bully with Arnold. Her best -probably only one- friend, the one that goes everywhere with her is Phoebe, but still the rest of the group know how rude she is so they are kind of used to it so they still play with her but ignore it when she start to being annoying.

She has a sister which she doesnt like, and they dont get along for more that her sister try to make her love her, Helga just doesnt like Olga, but why? Because their parents freaking LOVE Olga, and everything that Helga does their parents ignore it because they only have eyes for Olga, the 'perfect daughter'. She almost doesnt see her dad since he is always busy working on the company and he is pretty bad with her mom too, remember when her mom wanted to work but the dad says no because she is a woman and cant work because of that? Her mom has show in some chapters to have problems with alcohol too, depression and keep fighting to keep herself conscious. A pretty disfunctional family.

Helga doesnt work since she is still on school, but we know that she is pretty average when it comes to grades, she isnt exceptionally great and neither the worst. Maybe we could attribute that to the fact that it doesnt matter how well she do something for school Olga definetily made it better? Maybe she is lacking of incentive from her parents? She is just makig trhough it.

Personal aspect! I love Helga when she is alone, she is another person, she is sensitive, she does care of people -particulary Arnold-. So we have this character that is show to the people around her as rude and doesnt care about what happen to the people around, but she does! She cares, especially about Arnold, she always try to help him in the shadows, she worries A LOT for him, i mean, THE GIRL HAS A FUCKING ALTAR FOR ARNOLD WITH A STATUE MADE OF CHEWING GUM, HOW MANY OF THOSE SHE CHEW TO MADE THAT? xD and why she has such devotion for him? Because he was the first to care of her, when they were really tiny and arnold say to her that he liked the pink bow on her hair, the boy made her a sweet compliment and share his umbrella with her while her parents didnt give a fuck about her, so of course she will be happy when a boy with a funny head shape treated her better than her own parents.

Im sorry, my fingers slipped xD but i think you get the point! EVERYTHING on a character has a reason to be, no one is mean or 'evil' just because of reason, they have a reason to be like that. So when you do your cake of four for your character you will have a guide of how your character will react to situations that they are in.

Another thing that helps and its good its to make a backstory since the minute they were born to the exact time where the sory begins. That will help you to create more complete characters since you are writing their whole life. It will help you to think how your character reacts to the different situations that you are putting the poor boy/girl on it. You have a character that its old, wise and powerful? Like Gandalf, Dumbledore, Netero (hunter x hunter)? Great! You have a lot of backstory to write, why and how they become that wise? Probably they went through a lot of things to become that.

Your antagonist that is 'evil'? Snape for example? We all know that he wasnt evil at all and where nothing but a cinnamon roll but the things that happened to him made him take the role of the villain to protect Harry. Meruem? The king of chimera ants? Yes, he is an overpowerful character since his birth, but still there's a reason of why he was born with such power and because of that he saw humans as weaks, fragiles and not worthy until he meets Komugi and have a beautiful arc on his character. Killua? The one that at first people sense him as dangerous since his family history? But we learn inmediatily that he is just a kid trying to enjoy his childhood as a normal kid, and Gon is the one that teachs him that and thats why he is SO loyal to Gon, always caring and protecting him? If you see the version of 1999 you will see that at first Killua its really this dark kid who didnt laugh, he doesnt feel like just a kid until he began to spend time with Gon and discover that he can enjoy and play like a kid too. And dont make me start with Zuko because i love him so much and if i keep going we will never see the end of it xD

The point is configurate correctly your characters and it will be easier to imagine how they will react and it will actually make sense to the lector. I hope this help you to something, i keep seing tips for writters and wanted to share something if its worth for you. Keep writting people, you all are amazing.

[finding-jericho-blog]

Same Difference (Part Two)

characters: RK900(dbh) x human fem!reader, Gavin Reed

warning(s): Graphic language

word count: 2,287 words

A/N: I am SO sorry this took so long, I know this update is kind of out of nowhere! A lot of things have been happening in my life and trust me, you don’t want to know. But ANYWAY, I hope you enjoy part two! Hopefully I’ll be more active and getting back into the swing of things. Thank you guys so much for your patience. <3

Part One 

Time seemed to pass far too slowly as the hours dragged on; Hank reminded you for the third time that you didn’t have to be here, but there was no way in hell that you were leaving him to deal with this on his own. You knew Hank was more than capable of taking care of himself, but the thought of him going out on a case with no one to watch his back that he could really, truly trust? You couldn’t do that, even if being here was dredging up things you wish you could just forget. Although you dared not sneak another glance in the RK900’s direction, you were hyper aware of his cool eyes trained on you with laser focus; he was analyzing you. Studying you. Observing your every movement. After all, neither you nor Hank had said a word to him or given him any task to perform, it was the perfect opportunity to familiarize himself with you both. This was the fourteenth time you’d threaded your fingers through your hair, the eleventh time Lieutenant Anderson had heaved out a heavy sigh. It would not have taken a highly advanced prototype to see that the both of you were on edge, and while the RK900 only knew what information was necessary concerning what had occurred with his predecessor, he had already worked out that it had been a particularly traumatic experience. Neither of you could bear to look him in the eye, and the rest of the department stole sideways glances and shared hushed whispers that they didn’t think he could hear. He could. “I can’t believe the captain assigned that thing to Hank again.” “Especially after what it did to [Y/N].” The RK900’s gaze darted back towards you. What had the previous Connor model done to you that he had not done to Lieutenant Anderson? For only the briefest of moments, he considered asking, but his social relations program warned him that doing so may result in the damaging of an already tense relationship, and so he refrained. All that he had been told was that the RK800 had attempted to neutralize his human associates when he perceived that they were interfering with his mission. His commitment to completing his mission had not been faulty, he recalled Amanda explaining this to him just before his deployment. In the grand scheme of things, the lives of two humans mattered very little when compared to the importance of putting an end to the deviancy crisis. But CyberLife did not wish to risk damaging their affiliation with the Detroit Police Department; their cooperation was imperative in helping stop the deviancy crisis once and for all, and their resources were a true asset. Therefore, decommissioning the RK800 series was a necessary, yet temporary, setback. It took very little time for CyberLife to presumably fix the errors the RK800 series had exhibited, creating the RK900 series using resources that they already had as well as newly acquired technology. He was better than the RK800 series in every conceivable way, and yet.. A sudden shift in your weight drew him out of his thoughts, and he watched as you slipped off the edge of Lieutenant Anderson’s desk, raising your arms above your head to stretch out your aching muscles; his LED swirled a diligent yellow as he watched. “I’m getting a coffee,” you announced, though he knew you were addressing your uncle, and not the RK900 himself. “want one?” “Sure,” came the gruff response, though he didn’t bother to glance up from his work, perhaps not wanting to risk accidentally making eye contact with the android across from him. “I could get it for you.” Both of pairs of human eyes snapped over towards the RK900 as if surprised, though he could not imagine why; his own pale eyes shifted between the both of you as you turned to glance at one another. As if neither one of you heard his offer, Hank’s gaze darted back down to the scattered papers, and you stiffly turned on your heel, retreating to the break room without another word. The android’s eyebrows furrowed as he watched you go. Yes.. he was better than the RK800 series in every conceivable way, and yet.. it was clear to him that you could only see his predecessor when you looked at him. Although you were far from out of the RK900’s line of sight, you were relieved to be out from under his scrutinizing gaze, if only for a short while. Your hands pressed into the counter as you leaned against it, allowing your tired eyes to slip shut momentarily as the coffee brewed. The way he looked at you reminded you of Connor for what you were sure would not be the last time; he was trying to learn you, to figure you out as though you were some complicated equation that desperately needed solving. That’s all that you’d been to Connor, and once he’d figured you out, he used you to get to Hank, to ensure that his mission went smoothly. You had gotten too comfortable with who you had thought Connor was-- you could have never known that by admitting that you thought destroying the deviants was morally wrong, he would consider you a possible interference. You should have kept him at arm's length; you should have known that he wasn’t like other androids. You should have- “You alright?” Your eyes snapped open and your head shot upwards, turning to meet the pale blue eyes of a familiar detective, and not one you liked all too well. “I don’t really care, but you’re in front of the coffee machine and I’m just wondering how long your breakdown is going to last.” “Shut the fuck up, Gavin.” His lips twisted upwards into a smug, mocking smile as he took a step nearer to you, prompting you to step back in disgust, not wishing to have him anywhere near you. Nonchalantly, he stopped the coffee you had been brewing half-way, pouring it into a cheap styrofoam cup, and speaking all the while he did so. “I saw that Fowler assigned that bucket of bolts back to your uncle. It’s kind of fucked up when you think about it.” You watched in silence as he lifted the cup to his haggard face, pausing to smell the dark roast before taking a tentative sip. “I mean, we all know how you felt about the first one.” Your hands balled into fists as he seemed to appraise the coffee, before carelessly dumping it out into the nearby sink with a shrug; if looks could kill, Gavin would absolutely be six feet under. “I don’t like this kind.” “What do you want?” You muttered under your breath, your voice dangerously low. You were in no mood to deal with Gavin’s little mind games, and the way he turned to smirk at you made it clear that he hadn’t come here for coffee; he came to gloat. “What’s the matter, did I strike a nerve?” When you only clenched your jaw and glared daggers at him, he shrugged easily, holding his hands up, palms facing you. “I’m just saying it’s messed up is all. Do you think he still remembers everything? Maybe he’s just biding his time and will actually finish the job this time around.” His voice sounded mockingly optimistic as he said this. Although you shouldn’t have been shocked by this, you felt a sting of disbelief when you realized that he meant that he hoped the RK900 would actually kill you and your uncle this time. Part of you wondered if he actually meant that, or if he was just trying to get under your skin; regardless, you were seething.

As you opened your mouth, perhaps to say something you might have regretted (then again, perhaps not), a third voice interrupted you, cutting you off. “Is there a situation here?” Every muscle in your body seized, ice running through your veins at the unprecedented closeness of Connor’s replacement; you could scarcely breathe. The RK900 stood at your side and narrowed his pale eyes on Gavin, overlooking you momentarily in favor of staring the detective down. The man arched his eyebrows, wholly unconcerned by the android’s sudden appearance; in fact, he seemed to find it amusing as he looked between you and prototype. “Not at all.” he replied smoothly, his eyes drifting across across the android; sizing him up. The RK900 only watched him curiously, canting his head to one side. “And even if there was, it’d be none of your fucking business, tin man.” “I would have to disagree, Detective. Hank Anderson is my business, and by extension, so is Miss [Y/L/N]. I would be appreciative if you did not antagonize her.”

Gavin laughed; it was a bitter, hollow sound that put you on edge, and the android at your side seemed to notice your sudden apprehension. He peered over at you, momentarily forgetting Gavin; instead, he observed your uncertain visage, your barely parted lips and wide eyes. “You’d be appreciative, huh?” The detective repeated mockingly, and before you could even think to warn the android that he shouldn’t have taken his eyes off Gavin, the man’s hands shot forwards. He gathered up the fabric of the RK900’s coat into tight fists, jerking him downwards to meet his gaze; the LED on his temple circled red despite his unimpressed countenance.

“That’s enough, Gavin, let him go!” You hissed, the words shooting past your lips before you could stop them; you reached out to grab the one of the man’s sleeves in some feeble attempt to pull him off of the android. Perhaps the part of you that still cared for Connor, despite what he had done, drove you to defend his replacement. Some small, weak part that you hated, that you wished had died when Connor had. As much as you could barely stand to look at the RK900, you were still helpless against him.

It disgusted you.

“Listen here, you plastic fuck.” He spat, completely ignoring your demands to let the RK900 go. “No android is going to tell me what I can and cannot do, do you understand me? Or do I have to beat it into that thick fucking skull of yours?”

“For God’s sake Gavin, just let him go.”

The RK900 only watched Gavin with total disinterest, his eyes half-lidded in an almost condescendingly unconcerned expression. For one long, tense moment, the detective glared up at the prototype, and you thought for a moment that perhaps he was going to attack him, but without warning, Gavin’s hands were finally releasing his black and white jacket, wrenching his own sleeve out of your grasp; he chuckled breathily, as though it had all been some kind of elaborate prank, before shaking his head and taking few steps backwards. “They didn’t change a goddamn thing about you, did they? You can polish a turd, but it’s still a piece of shit.” Turning away swiftly, Gavin’s footfalls carried him just a bit outside the break room, but then he paused, glancing over his shoulder briefly. “[Y/N], I’d watch my back if I were you.” Then, he continued on until he was out of sight.

You knew it wasn’t that Gavin cared; he didn’t care about anything other than himself and his career, you really didn’t think he was capable of caring about anyone else. He just wanted you to be afraid, and despite knowing that… you were. The truth was, you were afraid of the RK900; it didn’t matter if CyberLife said they fixed the errors and fitted him with the newest technology. At the end of the day, he was still a deviant hunter, and you still thought the deviants should be left alone. He was still dangerous… maybe even more so than Connor ever had been.

“Are you alright?” Your eyes snapped upwards to the android in question; his almost silvery irises watched you cautiously, his LED having shifted back to a preoccupied gold; he was scanning you, checking your vitals you were sure. You had thought it was sweet when Connor had done it, because you thought his concern for your well-being had come from a place of genuine care. Really, though, it had been out of necessity and convenience; if you had been unwell, it would have slowed him down. Knowing Connor’s replacement was doing the same left a bad taste in your mouth, to say the least.

“Just leave me alone.” You retorted harshly, eyes narrowing in disdain. “I don’t need your help.” With that, you left the replacement and returned to your uncle empty-handed, but he didn’t seem to mind or even ask why you hadn’t gotten the coffee you had left for to begin with.

The RK900 remained where you had left him, canting his head ever so slightly to the side with a thoughtfully knitted brow. Despite your apparent abhorrence to his presence here, you had attempted to defend him from Detective Reed, and he was beginning to create theories as to why, exactly. From all the information he had gathered, it seemed to the newest prototype that you and Lieutenant Anderson had been quite fond of the RK800, but that he had betrayed that fondness by attempting to take the both of you out. You, the RK900 hypothesised, had been closest to Connor, and perhaps you had just as much as trouble separating your anger and hurt from the RK900 as you did your previous admiration. Curious, he thought, watching you plant yourself up on Lieutenant Anderson’s desk once more, threading your fingers through your hair for the fifteenth time.

Very curious.

Taglist;

@akemiikeda, @deviantramblings, @deviantsupporter, @connorshero, @shadows-echoes, @treehousemagicblog

[automatismoateo]

I'm Muhammad, Servant of Allah. Here is my story. via /r/atheism

Submitted August 20, 2021 at 04:36AM by Phoney9 (Via reddit https://ift.tt/3mhhppG) I'm Muhammad, Servant of Allah. Here is my story.

Hello,

My name is Muhammad (32M). I grew up as a Sunni Muslim believing in Allah and His Messenger, Muhammad for the last 31 years of my life. Growing up, I went to the mosque with my father who is a devout Sunni, I studied the Quran and Hadith and learned to read Arabic. I prayed regularly, not 5 times a day but close to it. Certain times I would stray off course and miss a month or two of prayers. I fasted, I gave zakat, I slaughtered goats and cows for Allah, ate halal food, avoid sins as defined by Allah, I read over 10k+ hadith, read the Quran in both Arabic and English multiple times, I submitted myself to Allah, and whatever came along with being a liberal devout Muslim these days.

I remember always questioning the validity of Hadiths and why we should follow them when they were recorded 300 years after Muhammad died. Also, I could not make sense of this Abu Huraira character who has super memory, and has narrated thousands of Hadiths when he spent only 3 or 4 years with Muhammad while others who spent 20+ years with Muhammad narrated significantly less hadith (few hundred on average or less). Using reasoning, I could not make sense of some of the things I was reading, ie. Dogs are filthy animals. I could not understand why God would restrict loving such a friendly creature. When I asked my parents, they referred my questions to Mullah’s and Scholars. I did reach out and I found their logic to be as sharp as a 5 year old’s. Anyways, I stopped following Hadith all together when I uncovered that Abu Huraira was a fraud and Umar (Khalifa of islam at the time) removed him from the Governors office after realizing Abu Huraira had built up a massive fortune. ( https://www.islamweb.net/en/fatwa/366526/incident-between-umar-and-abu-hurayrah-about-public-money) are many reports of Abu Huraira selling Hadith for profit and gaining popularity amongst the just because he was a companion of Muhammad. Anyway, you can study this stuff on your own, he was a corrupt individual in my opinion (https://www.islamic-laws.com/sunnihadithcor.htm). When I ask people what proof do we have that the Hadith aren’t all lies, I usually get the response of that Companions were the “BEST” people, chosen by Allah who could not be corrupted like Jesus’s companions (something along those lines). Scholars also provide these arguments that everything in the Hadiths are “Sahih” and can be traced back to the original narrator. Bukhari (Islamic Scholar) went through all the Hadith and kept only the Authentic ones a few hundred years after Muhammad died. Anyways, I don’t doubt the hadith are authentic �� I just don’t believe in what it preaches. Splitting the Moon in Half, Muhammad spitting on companions eyes and curing him – FYI Humans cant do stuff like this.

I studied the Quran knowing that this was the word of God, the creator of all that exists in the heavens and the earth. I did not question the authority and authenticity of the Quran till last year when I really sat down and questioned if the Quran was a divine revelation from God. My research has led me to confirm all that I knew and doubted about Islam – The Religion in Summary is created by Muhammad, who was not divine in anyway, shape or form. What changed my mind was this book: “Islam Dismantled: The Mental Illness of Muhammad” by Sujit Das. It explains everything clearly using references from Hadith and Quran as a tool to analyze the personality of Muhammad. It cleared my mind and freed me from the Slavery of Islam. I’m beginning to realize what a brainwash religion is. How did we get to this point where we have 2 Billion Muslims? If you look at the Taliban today, they are the truest form of what a Muslim should be in accordance with what Muhammad preached. I say this after studying Islam for 15 years. You can argue this any way you want but if you read the Quran and Hadith and you follow it teeth and nail, the Taliban is the outcome. All other branches of Islam are not following in Muhammad's footsteps.

Here are some fun Facts I learned:

Where did “Allah” Come From? Allah was the Lunar Deity for Pagan Arabs. Muhammad wanted to attract followers so he chose a popular God and went with the flow. Allah was a statue and an Idol. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Allah_as_a_lunar_deity#:~:text=The%20postulation%20that%20Allah%20(the,in%20early%2020th%2Dcentury%20scholarship.

The Quran, as many know, is not arranged in the order in which it is arranged today. Surah 2 was not the second Surah revealed to Muhammad. Anyways, Allah was first mentioned in the 22nd Surah revealed to Muhammad (Surah Iklas). I wonder what took so long for Muhammad to realize he was talking to Allah – had Allah not introduced himself from the very beginning. Don’t you wonder why every Surah in the Quran has the added phrase “Bismillah” or “In the Name of Allah” and how the Surahs were all rearranged. Before Allah, he addressed him by “Raab” or Lord.

Surah Anfal – 1: “They Ask you about the bounties. Say, “The bounties are for God and the Messenger.” So be mindful of God, and settle your differences, and obey God and His Messenger, if you are believers. – Asked myself this: What would Allah possibly do with the bounties? Many people know Muhammad to be a poor and humble man when in all actuality, he was wealthy and there have been reports of his wives/family/Khalifas fighting over his wealth which he left behind. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hadith_of_Muhammad%27s_inheritance

Any description of Paradise is Green, gardens in which rivers flow, trees, fruits, wine. Well guess what, how else would you convince a group of people in a DESERT to join your band wagon.

Quran has many verses regarding orphans. Reason: Muhammad was an orphan himself so of course Allah will love those who care for the orphans.

Muhammad hated his mother who abandoned him at a young age and left him with his uncle who raised him. Here's the Hadith: "Abu Hurayra says: “The prophet (pbuh) went to the grave of his mother and wept and so those around him also wept. So the prophet (pbuh) said: “I asked permission from my Lord to ask for forgiveness for her but the permission was not given to me, so I asked permission to visit her grave and this permission was given to me, so visit graves since it is a reminder of death" --- What God will tell you that you can't pray for your mother? This shows how much he hated her to a point where he says Allah told him not to pray for her

Here is a great resource and the best type of Tafseer for those Muslims who truly want to learn about their religion and Quran - seriously, read this: https://www.reddit.com/r/atheism/comments/oyx370/bible_quran_stats_courtesy_of_skeptics_annotated/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

Muhammad was an idol worshipper. He grew up in a pagan tribe. It wasn't till late in the game he started going the monotheistic route to get some attention. https://youtu.be/ZCMk_fTNryk

Muhammad was under Khadijas control (his 40 year old wife). He could not mess around while she was alive because she was wealthy and powerful. After Khadija died, Muhammad got a bunch of Money from her and became horny and started marrying anyone he wanted. Here's proof - notice the dates: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Muhammad%27s_wives

The language of the Quran drastically changes, going from short, one line poems to commands given to his followers in great detail. Compare the last Surahs in the back of the Quran - they put these in the back for a reason. The Surahs revealed when Muhammad rose to power are the ones they kept in the front to control his followers. He obviously hired people to write for him. Any writing expert can tell you this by analyzing the Quran. Did Allah not know how to instruct Muhammad in detail during his early years?

What Creator could instruct you to kill disbelievers where they stand.

Why in the Quran do you have Ayats/verses that tell you stuff like: People who desire this life are the Kafirs, the believers prefer the after life and heaven. Stuff like that would be told none other by a typical cult leader to get his followers to do Jihad in his name and not have to worry about death. This is how Islam rapidly expanded. Suicide bombers is just a part of being Muslim. We need to sacrifice ourselves and do Jihad for Muhammad and Allah. Over the years, the word Jihad has been changed to the word Struggle or striving for the cause of Allah and used in a much liberal sense. Myself and Muhammad and Allah disagree with your liberal Islamic definitions.

No Muslim can question the authenticity of the Quran or Muhammad and his authority. To that I say, Why not?

I can list another 10,000 bullets on what's wrong with Islam. I have enough in my head to write a book about this topic.

FYI - I'm a Quality Analyst by profession. I find bugs in complex software systems and I do a pretty good job at it. I tested religion and all my test cases failed - it's essential that I report these bugs to the world so we can fix them. We are all Developers who have the ability to fix these defects.

I am Muhammad, and I am a Servant to the Moon God, Allah. He's bright, round, makes me happy when I look at him, protects me from asteroids and comets, creates beautiful waves in the ocean, and doesn't ask for a fucking thing in return.

TL;DR: My journey out of Islam, reasons why I left, and my Rants at the bottom.

[violenceinintersectionality]

Throughout this semester, a topic that stood out to me was intersectionality. This especially caught my attention when we read Chinelo Okparanta’s novel, “Under the Udala trees”. With this in mind, I will be discussing violence in intersectionality, discrimination, and my personal experience with witnessing violence in intersectionality.

Intersectionality is defined by Merriam-Webster as, “The complex, cumulative way in which the effects of multiple forms of discrimination (such as racism, sexism, and classism) combine, overlap, or intersect especially in the experiences of marginalized individuals or groups”. In other words, the effect that discrimination has on certain groups that are especially discriminated against. As a white female, I find myself being discriminated against often. Whether it be because of my looks, age, race, and even financial status. As women, I feel that this is something we all have to deal with at least once in our life. What frustrates me, personally, is that in my opinion, sex and race are two of the most prominent factors in intersectionality and I believe that women of color are the most affected by violence in intersectionality. I read an article during this class that explained how race is a social construct. Reading this article really made me wonder why women of color are treated so differently, especially when I was reading these wonderful works that the women had written. The author of the article, Angela Onwuachi-Willig wrote, “Race is not biological. It is a social construct. There is no gene or cluster of genes common to all blacks or all whites. Were race “real” in the genetic sense, racial classifications for individuals would remain constant across boundaries. Yet, a person who could be categorized as black in the United States might be considered white in Brazil or colored in South Africa”. Therefore, in my eyes I see a world that has created a prejudice to certain people because it’s just what they felt they had to do. On top of that, women are also seen as a minority to some. In the Neolithic era, all women were caretakers of the children who also farmed and protected their home while their husbands were out hunting. Women are the reason that we’re all prospering and obviously alive. So I cant help but wonder when this idea that they are somehow less of a person than men came about. Between the idea that women of color are somehow different in their humanity and that women are less important than man, it’s easy to see how ignorant people can be so careless when it comes to equality.

When I wrote my paper analyzing “Under the Udala Trees” I found myself unable to stop my brain from getting my hands to stop typing. The story truly spoke to me in a way that lifted me up but also broke my heart. In the story, the main character must deal with homophobia, religious differences, domestic abuse, and more. This class has truly opened my eyes when I thought they were already open, learning stories about these strong, amazing women who have been to hell and back make’s issues in today’s society all more real. Specifically, the main character, Ijeoma, was forced to suppress her sexuality and when it was discovered that she was in love with a member of the same sex, religion was forced upon her, her friends were killed, and the man who became her husband inflicted physical, mental, and emotional violence in her. While this story may be some words in a book to some people, things like this are happening in real life every day. If I could convince every human on the planet to at least take this class and educate themselves on what women who have dealt with these things in history have been through, I would and there is no doubt in my mind that it would make a huge change in this world. This is where violence in intersectionality comes in. If you take these ideas about women of color being unequal and factor in people who feel they are better than these women, you get the notion that those people feel they can push the women around. When Ijeoma’s husband threatened her with violence, he must have truly thought in that moment that he was so much better than her because of his “status” as a human. When people with violent tendencies get into this mindset, there is absolutely no limit to what they can do. The Institute For Women’s Policy Research stated, “More than four in ten Black women experience physical violence from an intimate partner during their lifetimes. White women, Latinas, and Asian/Pacific Islander women report lower rates. Black women also experience significantly higher rates of psychological abuse—including humiliation, insults, name-calling, and coercive control—than do women overall. Sexual violence affects Black women at high rates. More than 20 percent of Black women are raped during their lifetimes—a higher share than among women overall. Black women face a particularly high risk of being killed at the hands of a man. A 2015 Violence Policy Center study finds that Black women were two and a half times more likely to be murdered by men than their White counterparts. More than nine in ten Black female victims knew their killers”. I made sure to include all of these statistics in length because they need to be acknowledged. Almost everything we’ve read from female authors this semester includes a portion where they mentioned the trials and tribulations they went through to get to the place where they are, regardless of race but still so unbelievably appalling. I can only pray that these statistics are better recognized and improved.

I live in a rural, conservative, small town area filled with closed minded people. I often take a lot of heat for attending High Point, with people calling it a “rich kid liberal school” among other things. However, I couldn’t be happier to announce that I go to High Point because I have the ability to learn from and among some of the most welcoming people I’ve ever met. It’s a different story where I live though. Racism is so prominent and absolutely horrifying. A few years ago, I was dating a guy who most would consider “redneck”. On top of that, I was also in his friend group. We would go for bonfires, mudding, truck shows, the classic country boy stuff. During all of this however, any time we would pass a person of color, the men in that group would quietly refer to them with a derogatory, horrifying name that shocked me every time. At first, I kept quiet and didn’t say anything, which was obviously the wrong thing to do and a big factor in this societal issue. After some time though, I began to speak up and explain why those words were wrong and hurtful, to which they often responded with “When did you become a snowflake libtard?” I hear this question in my head on a daily basis. The group refused to acknowledge people of color and eventually I became aware of an incident where a few boys were cut off by a black woman on the road and followed her home, waited until she was inside, and smashed the woman’s car windows, doors, and ripped up the seats. The boys were laughing when they told me this story and that instance changed my life forever. I broke up with my boyfriend, left the friend group, and called the police immediately and two of the men in that incident served 6 months in jail which personally I think is not enough. To this day I still receive hate messages about it, and I can’t imagine it’s helped their moral values at all. I tell this story because it’s one instance that I’ve witnessed as a white woman, someone who doesn’t experience severe discrimination everyday in much worse ways and it still changed my life. When listening to Chimamanda Ngozi Ndichi’s Ted Talk, she mentioned that many of her peers were shocked by her experiences. They had formulated these ideas in their heads about what her home, Nigeria, was actually like based on things they had seen through the media. The boys I dealt with all those years ago would have looked at her the exact same and most likely in a more negative manner. What she dealt with was an instance of intersectionality being played out and hopefully her peers were able to learn from her as a human not to expect less of someone because of where they come from.

In conclusion, this class has truly opened my eyes to so many issues present in our world. I fully believe that along with me, many others who have taken this class have an entirely different view on women of all genders, races, shapes and sizes. The author’s we’ve learned from this semester have definitely had people question, if not change their actions after hearing their stories, inspiring all of us to make this world a better place.

[yvvaine]

I was wondering if any [past or present] Jonerys, Pro-Daenerys fans like myself feel this way.....?

Firstly Id say please be nice i just enjoy analyzing the shit out of fandoms I like, (im a history/polysci major ((with an emphasis on Peace Justice and & Conflict Studies)) all i do is analyze and try to be diplomatic lmao) but considering all they petty drama between both ships as well as pro/anti Daenerys stans ON BOTH SIDES I’m going to be “That Person” and at least ask for people to be respectful/civil, I want to hear from everyone and their metas/what they think which is why i tagged like, all the tags, no matter if you love her/the ship or cant stand it, as long as everyone can keep civil So firstly I’ve loved Dany both books and show from the beginning. She’s gorgeous, wants to be the best person she can be, and her hair/fashion style game is always ON POINT.  That being said, somewhere around season 5 i think i’ve found my opinion on her cooling a little bit, ep after ep, till now. Like I still like her bc she was my first character love on the show but I’ve def soured in my opinion on her. Maybe it’s because I love learning about the subject that im more baised (im hoping thats the case) but she just seemed to have no interest in actual governance, just the reputation (esp of being the ‘rebel queen’)/the awe/the power/the thrill of the adoration that went along with it to the point where I feel like though she still wants to be a ‘good queen’ or at least wants to be seen that way, she doesnt want to do much work for the title. Like yeah she freed all the slaves and that was a def progressive and awesome move on her part (major props! slavery is sin and im glad someone recognized that who had the power to do something about it) but she didnt handle that aftermath or ensuing problems well at all nor really mulled heavily on the subject to find the best solution. She just got fustrated with pretty basic/common (albeit complex in themselves) issues of standard governance and kind of went agh! fuck this! (obv not actual quotes but that was the vibe I got). And then ESPECIALLY after season 7 her character has kind of nagged at me in the back of brain which i hate but its inherent like its just a feeling i cant help it?? I just dont know why to be honest that Im feeling so negative towards this character i used to love.  The whole ‘ bEnD thE knEe ‘ thing w/ Jon and yet pinning it on Jon’s pride not equally on his and her own was more than a little hypocritical, when hon they can discuss it later like at that point they have two common enemies the WW and Cersei they both want to do away with, and then again with the Bend the Knee or Die bit w/ the Lannister soldiers. In fact the whole sequence before that point felt kind of villinous I dearsay, I mean  deliberately burning the harvest that most of westeros needs for the winter or even strategically not willing to try, and well, nOOt intentionally burn the food considering its winter, the harvest is over (so likely not much is gonna grow in the time being) when she has a G I A N T ass army of her own to think of feeding???? Like i get it is war shit happens soldiers die but the F O O D ? Was that an impuslive in the moment mistake or did she just not give a fuck? And back to the aftermath scene/Bend the Knee 2.0, her speech was again quite hypocritical...and burning dickon?????? not willing to keep prisoners???? either bend or die??? I actually am glad she did away with Papa Tarly bc he was an awful human, but dickon????? a young idealistic man about to loose his father??? the heir to a major ally/house???? And honestly that bend or die strategy is soooooo dumb bc now she cant trust any of them like theyre only bending the knee out of self preservation homie, no one wants to die. they bend  the knee to survive and now they all of the sudden think youre their queen? Nah fam, prisoners were better, all you got are spies in your camps or people willing to backstab you at the smallest promise of coin. And i dont want that for my girl

IDK the whole “im gonna BREAK THE WHEEL,,,,,,,,yet im stating my claim mainly on my housename (aka the predominant force of said wheel for a literal dynasty) and the fact that i can scare people who otherwise are unconvinced bc lets be real westeros has had a bad run of rulers a lot of which were Targs in the past couple decades, into submission bc ill burn you otherwise???” doesnt sit well with me nor does it feel like the character ive been rooting for the past five-ish seasons. She just doesnt seem to put into effort on understanding Westeros, why things go wrong, being self-critical or sharing the blame,thinking on what a “good” ruler would do.... anyone else feeling this way and if so do you think this is just shitty writing? D&D butchering her character? or a new arc for her? perhaps the way shes always been? She just seems like a tantruming child bratty and entitled idk (a beautiful child but still)  As for jonerys...... im not gonna go into it much but how are other shippers happy????????? I honestly dont understand. I was SO looking forward to this season/this ship. like so much! But it felt so forced? And i know a lot of people claim its cause its rushed but tbh we’ve had a lot of romances in a similar time frame that felt like A C T U A L romances.....even Talisa/Robb who the Northerners will prob compare any of this too were so much better. THIS WAS MY EPIC SHIP DUDE. I feel the dany side of things (took a while but theres def heart eyes) and yet Jon???? He felt hollow. Still does even after sex. Im so disapointed but more than that I cant see the romance or the chemistry. He looks constipated. Hes never smiled like with his teeth around her the way hes done w others he cares deepily about (ygritte, toramund, sansa, even fkin gendry in the first scene they had together). He never reveals anything about himself. And between the “my queen” ep (and remember he was look warm when discussing her to toramund throughout it) and the previous the only thing that changed was that he saw the actual difference dragons made against WW. You could argue she saved them all too but that doesnt make you fall in love w someone out of the blue and also people have saved his ass before and??? Sansa w the vale anyone??? (Not an argument for jonsa js its happened) (though ill admit ive transitioned to loathing jonerys and loving jonsa more as a potential couple in the space of seven eps where if you asked me I wouldve been like PSH u cray. I never thought it would happen in a mill years but D&D ruined my ship and here i am! Shipping aside tho since its best too look at these things as neutral as possible).  Anyways the sigh of his after she left and when he pretended to be asleep.... idk. The only scene that felt genuine and where Jon smiled and it didnt look like a full on grimace and they actually kinda joked around was really nice and at the pit at the finale and if they do a LOT more of basic romance stuff like that I could ship it again but. It was followed by boatsex and boy.  I was hoping boatsex might rekindle my like for the two together. I could see the chemistry the passion. I was hoping the passion would overwhelm me and make up for the rest. But instead......like there was no foreplay, it lasted 2 seconds, and it was overplayed by brans voice and a reminder of future conflict or at the very least major angst b/w the two. i didnt see the parallel between regear and lyanna playing alongside their scene as anything romantic or that it should be taken as such. and the look they shared.... I was hoping jon would bring it bc Dany’s look in her eyes is like soooo smitten and adorable and say what you will I still have a space in my heart for her and still dont want her to suffer, but again Jon looks like oh shit/constipated. And not in a good oh shit way either.  There is a bunch more too but Imma stop there bc Im just tired at this point.  So many things were just....off this season. And it cant all be blamed on the “rushed” time frame. I’ve read the undercover lover theory and hon it makes the most sense (not perfect sense but still, more than what we’ve been poorly spoon fed) but im not willing to believe it just yet. Still, maybe D&D are just butchering a lot of things like making the romance believable and stuff for the sake of time that could be true i guess. But they like to go AHA GOT U so  Idk I dont find a lot of meta in the jonerys tag bc honestly (((((i think its bc the tag and ship are more popular and theirs more people both good and bad)))) it doesnt seem like snowballing theories is something all fans take really well in the tag at all. But whatever. I really want to know, is there any meta or theories im missing to either validate the icky feeling Im haveing about D or her “romance” or on the flipside anything that might make me change my mind about it? Theories, meta people! I just want to reiderate im not trying to hate on anyone or any point of view and I will flag any comment anti one ship or person or another if its plain hateful or rude. I just want to understand it and see what Im missing, esp because of how much I was looking forward to her arc and jonerys’ dynamic and how much the words “falling short” dont seem to cover it. And to see if im not the only one to either have critique on the ship or her character [or even actually change ships] Also i apologize for how much ive said “IDK” i just..... I DONT KNOW 

[ktrsss1fics]

Cheeseburger in Paradise: Five.

What’s the best way to cure a hangover?

For some, it’s a marathon sleep session and a few gallons of red Gatorade.

For others, it’s an early morning run around the block and a fresh smoothie before a few hours of yoga.

For Georgina Ferguson, it was getting on a boat at eight o'clock in the morning after four hours of sleep and a small piece of avocado toast.

Her head was throbbing. Her stomach was in knots. And the sound of a certain boy’s laugh was about to send her over the edge. She wanted nothing more than to crawl back into bed and wake up when the sun was starting to set and the little hole in the wall started to make their obnoxiously delicious jerk chicken kebabs.

But she agreed to go parasailing.

At the time it was suggested, it seemed like a good idea. As soon as Brittany jumped on her bed earlier that morning to wake her up, Georgina realized it was not.

“How ya holdin’ up?” Brittany asked nudging her gently.

“If he doesn’t stop with that fuckin laugh, I’m feedin’ ‘im to a shark.” Georgina grumbled.

“Oi, give 'im a break. He’s having fun.” Brittany said looking over at their Irish friend.

“Well he should do it somewhere else.” Georgina said burying her head in her hands.

“Did you really drink that much last night?” Brittany asked scanning Georgina’s face.

Georgina lowered her sunglasses and shot her best friend a dirty look. The dark rings under her puffy eyes spoke for themselves.

“What do you remember?” Brittany asked knowing that look all too well.

“I don’t know.” Georgina mumbled putting her glasses back into place.

“C'mon G.” Brittany said rubbing Georgina’s thigh lovingly.

“You got me up at the arse crack of dawn and put me on a boat that will most likely be covered in my stomach lining by the end of the day.” Georgina groaned. “And now you want me to open up to you about a night I don’t remember. Where is the love Brittany Anne, hmm? Where is the love?”

“You really don’t remember anything?” Brittany asked sounding disappointed.

“Ehhh…” Georgina replied.

Did she remember anything? Yes. She did.

Was she willing to admit it? No. Not at all.

Because if she did, then she would have to admit that she let Niall Horan kiss her and get away with it.

And that was not something she was willing to admit. At least not before she had time to over analyze every decision she had made the night before.

“Keith threw up by the pool.” Georgina said after playing with the idea of being honest.

“And the driveway.” Brittany added feigning disgust.

“Um there is a plant called the love tree and it has heart shaped leaves.” Georgina rattled off trying to play it cool.

As soon as those words left her lips, she felt a pair of eyes land on her. She refused to acknowledge the boy who they belonged to. She knew why he was looking but hadn’t realized he’d been listening.

“Excuse me, what?” Brittany asked confused.

“Yeah um I don’t know its like real name but apparently there is a real plant that has leaves that look like hearts.” Georgina shrugged trying to explain her new found knowledge.

“You’re such a fuckin weirdo babe.” Brittany laughed.

“You asked what I remembered and that is something I remembered.” Georgina said.

“How is that even something you remember?” Brittany shook her head.

“I don’t know.” Georgina said. “I just do.”

Regretfully, Georgina looked up. An appreciative smile graced the lips of a boy she was trying her best to ignore. She focused her eyes back on the floor. She didn’t have time for boys like him.

“Do you remember anything else?” Brittany asked hoping to get more information out of her friend.

Georgina let out a sigh. “Nope.”

Brittany scooted closer before lowering her voice. “So you don’t remember someone kissing you?”

“How do you know about that?” Georgina narrowed her eyes at her friend.

“I saw it go down. Wait, you remember that happening?” Brittany said with an excited grin.

“Yeah but I wasn’t going to admit it to you.” Georgina mumbled embarrassed.

“You like him.” Brittany said reading between the lines.

“No I don’t.” Georgina scoffed.

“God just sit on his face already Fergie. We all know you want to.” David’s voice croaked cheekily as he sat down beside her.

“For fucks sake.” Georgina grumbled as she pulled her knees towards her chest in an attempt to hide her blushing cheeks.

She really just wanted to throw herself off the boat. She didn’t care how far out they were. She didn’t care if fish or sharks or Ursula was waiting for her beneath the surface. She just wanted something to completely swallow her up.

“David Allen!” Brittany said scolding him.

“What?” Dave whined childishly.

“You can’t say shit like that.” Brittany whispered before glancing across the boat. Niall was trying his best to act like he hadn’t heard what was said. But his blushing cheeks were hard to miss.

“Like he doesn’t know already.” Dave said placing a hand on Georgina’s knee. “This one’s just playing hard to get.”

“Will you knock it off?” Brittany sighed. “We said we wouldn’t meddle.”

“Yeah but she’s into him. Why can I just help her realize it?” David said gently.

“Telling me to sit on someone’s face and coaxing me into realizing I have nonexistent feelings are two different things you twat.” Georgina sassed.

“And if she has feelings for him, it’s none of our business.” Brittany said giving her boyfriend a dirty look. “We talked about this.”

“Well excuse me sorry for trying to help.” David said before standing up. Both women shot him dirty looks. “I can tell I’m not wanted over here. I’ll just go talk to Keith instead.”

“Yeah brilliant idea.” Brittany said before turning to her friend. “Georgie–”

“I don’t have feelings for him or at least I don’t think I do.” Georgina said softly. “The kiss was just confusing and it caught me off guard.”

Brittany just nodded. “That’s okay G.”

“I don’t know what’s going on with me. I’m usually so sure with my feelings - especially when it comes to him.” Georgina explained. “But after yesterday, I just don’t know. I mean I still want to strangle him but I am kind of starting to enjoy looking at him.”

“And that’s perfectly normal.” Brittany smiled.

Georgina opened her mouth to say something but decided against it. She knew what Brittany was going to say. Niall was not Marcus. He was Niall and that made him better in every single way.

“You don’t have to have things sorted out right now.” Brittany said.

“I know.” Georgina sighed. “Haven’t really processed it all.”

“He’s scared of you.” Brittany said with a smirk.

Georgina looked across the boat to find Niall in a conversation with Dave and the boys. She slid her sunglasses on top of her head before turning her attention to Brittany.

“When he went to the bar after he kissed you, I ran into him. He was too scared to give you the drink.” Brittany explained. “He asked me to do it.”

“Why didn’t you?” Georgina asked. “I mean I could have used a little pep talk after it.”

“Sometimes you’ve got to let the people you love do things on their own.” Brittany shrugged.

Georgina rolled her eyes before putting her glasses back on. “Fuck, I’m too hungover for that shit Britt.”

“It’s true.” Brittany laughed at Georgina’s dramatics.

“When did you become a fucking Hallmark card?” Georgina asked.

“Oh stop. You know I’m just looking out for the two of you.” Brittany placed her head on her friend’s shoulder.

“You should be looking out for that boyfriend of yours.” Georgina said still disgusted by David’s comment.

“I can’t believe he bloody said that to you.” Brittany sighed. “I am so sorry.”

Georgina rested her head against Brittany as a comfortable silence fell between them. The early morning sun was dancing across the water as they continued to head to the middle of ocean. Her eyes wandered around the boat before landing on the group of boys in the corner. Dave was going on about a part of the night she hadn’t remembered and Niall was eating up every second of it.

She didn’t understand how he was doing it. He had consumed twice the amount of alcohol that she did yet he was walking around like almost fully functional human being. How was he acting like nothing happened? She didn’t know. She did know that his laugh was going to do her head in.

Georgina felt her best friend shift from beneath her.

“Wanna ride with me?” Brittany asked softly.

“Yes.” Georgina said. “Please.”

“I need a break from Dave.” Brittany said with a sigh. “Who says that shit this early?”

“It’s okay B. He was just trying to be funny.” Georgina said reassuringly.

“He doesn’t even like when I do that to him. Why would he assume that Niall would want you to do that?” Brittany said with a hint of annoyance in her voice. “Unless they’ve discussed it.”

“And if that’s the case, I do not want to know.” Georgina cringed picturing the boys talking about any of the girls that way.

“How was the – you know?” Brittany asked lowering her voice towards the end.

“It was short but okay I guess.” Georgina said replaying the kiss in her head. “More like a peck nothing too substantial.”

“Would you want something more substantial?” Brittany asked smugly. Georgina sighed, “Honestly?”

“Fuck!” Brittany’s eyes lit up as she studied her best friend’s face. “You do.”

Georgina closed her eyes embarrassed. “If we keep getting as pissed as we did last night, I’m afraid it’s going to happen.”

“You haven’t had a good snog in ages.” Brittany pointed out.

“Would be easier to find some island guy for that.” Georgina joked.

“The boys wouldn’t let that happen.” Brittany said.

“I know. They are all so damn protective.” Georgina said. “I’m fine on me own.”

Niall cackled loudly catching their attention. She hated what it did to her. He turned her insides into goo and set her skin on fire. He was slowly chipping away at the tough exterior she had built before she left England and she didn’t like it.

“I think by the end of this trip, something will have happened between you two.” Brittany said keeping her eyes on Niall.

“Why’d you say that?” Georgina asked doing the same.

“Have you seen the way the kid looks at you?” Brittany asked.

“Stop putting those thoughts in me head.” Georgina grumbled.

“You are two single adults. It’s okay to have those thoughts G.” Brittany said patting her on the leg. “He’s not Marcus.”

“No he’s just a hot young millionaire who could get any girl in the world that he wants.” Georgina said as Niall caught her staring.

A shy smile was sent in her direction.

“Yeah but you see that?” Brittany asked nodding towards their friend. “He only has eyes for you.”

[lost-gallagher]

Love Murder

Author note: 

This first chapter is just an intruduction so you can get to know Vilde better. Vilde is an depressed girl that sees the world in black and white and can only think about her job whatever when someone new comes in her life everything changes for her. But even thought that her love life is doing great it will be because of her profession that things will start to fall apart.

The story is going to be narrated in Vilde’s perspective and its almost like she is having a flashback as you will understand once you start reading it.

It was supposed Noora to be the main but I changed it cause I realized Vilde is more similiar to the caracther. And I really think she deserved a season so this is me trying to get justice for Vilde. 

By the way Im not sure about the name I gave to this fanfic so I might change it.

So thats it hope u guys like it.

____________________________________________________________

                           I -  When I first saw you

  - So you're not telling me?  - He finally asked after a long time waiting. After all the badly slept nights for having to wake me up so I would stop screaming, but what he didn't know is that even thought the sound stopped, the screams never do, at least not in my own head. It was almost as if I was a character from a horror movie, where no matter what happens there is the annoying girl always waiting to give that loud scream that even those who are not around get irritated by.

 The problem is that I've no idea what was the exact moment that made me accumulate such an amont of pain, it just happened. All the wrong decisions, one after one, didnt not helped to maked that feeling go away.

 But how could I tell him this words? Tell him that everything that I am is not who I am because I don't know who I am.

 All I know is that I am a ship with no crew, with no route. Or better saying, a airplane with no pilot, that its working on automatic but at one time the fuel will end and the airplane is going to crash and, the problem about the airplane crushing is that who goes aboard also crashes with it.

So how could I be cruel enough to look him in the eyes and say that the airplane is going to crash and Im the reason why. But at the same time how could I be so selfish to let him stay aboard of the airplane, let him stay in my life? Living my yearnings, my dislikes, my happiness, my victories, my defeats when I give him so little and the little that I give has to be taken by force because no matter how much I try to break the wall betwen us, it keeps getting bigger without no sign of stopping any time soon.

 All this questions hang in my head every single day and I try look for an answer but I cant find none. I wanted to blame someone or something but deep down I know that I'm the only one to blame for not accepting something so good and pure and that makes me feel so alive.

I'm the one to blame for keep being a snowball that at every second gets bigger and stronger and for that destructive, able to scroll down the mountain and wreck everything.

So, even thought I can't find any answer that satisfies me, I came to the conclusion that I'm selfish and, how I rather being selfish instead of cruel.

Being slefish means that I want him in my life, that I need him to keep trying to fix me althought I know I can destroy him.

It feels horrible know that I can be the reason of his doom and not doing anything about it. Nevertheless I'm sure that if I ended things between us, that would be his doom. So I prefer to grasp to the idea that he, in trying to fix me, will remain the free, happy, charismatic, lovable, worried and big heart that he has always been.

 I remember the first time I saw him. It was a winter morning, early January, that morning for some reason, which after so long I still can not understand, I decided that I had to get up and go outside to get some fresh air, feel the breeze on my face , simply to feel alive. I usually call this morning another failed attempt to try to heal me.

 I walked for thirty minutes and with every step I took, I became more and more involved in my thoughts. When I was already on my imaginary plane I felt something coming at me with exaggerated force and rocking me in a way that made me lose my balance making me fall in the most disastrous way imaginable.

 - I'm so sorry. Did you cripple yourself? I really apologize. I was so distracted that I did not even see you.

If I wasn't frozen for falling in the snow, these apologies might even have seemed sincere to me, I thought to myself before getting up. - Its okay. - I said in the harshest tone I could.

But it seems that besides being gross, this being is also insistent, because when I was preparing to leave the place, the boy stood in front of me preventing me from crossing.For a moment I did not say anything, I simply stared at him, wanting to push him to get him out of my way and continue my journey. But the more I looked at him the more my body felt less rigid almost as if it were telling me that everything was okay, that I was not in danger.

As I stared at him, I noticed that his face was nothing like I had imagined, when I hitted the ground so hard I could not stop myself from thinking that the author of the this joke, was for sure a brute person. Which was not at all, what anyone could think when looking into his eyes.His bright eyes gave the idea that I was looking at a child who has won his favorite gift. But his structured body show that he is not a child but a man.

 - My name is Magnus. Can I do anything to apologize? Do you need to go to the hospital? The downfall was a bit ugly. - His voice brought me back to reality, putting an end to my thoughts of how someone could have eyes so bright, almost as if he did not know the evil that exists in the world. As if he was living in different universe where bad things are banished and there is only peace and love.

 - As I said, that's okay. - Get out of there as fast as possible, without even saying my name. I did not wantted to spend another ten minutes listening to a complete stranger apologizing and do some small talk just to feel a little better about himself, and then go on with his life as if nothing had happened.

 As soon as I got home I headed straight for the bathroom, a good shower, and getting back to bed was exactly what I needed. When I took off my clothes I noticed that the fall would leave marks, although the pain was not something unbearable, the purple marks on the legs were already beginning to be visible.

 It's like I always say, my place is definitely not in the midst of people and confusions because something disastrous always ends up happening. I have to conform that I am a better self when I'm alone or in a small group of people who I can trust and allow me to be myself, my stranger and unknown self. My self that feels the need to shows its true colors, although I do not even know who that is because I have not seen it for a long time.

______________________________________________________________

 One more day waking up with the annoying sound of the alarm clock. Wake up, it's more a form of expression than the reality of my life, this alarm clock just reminds me that I have to get out of bed to face the world, because awake I'm always. At least that's the impression I have, that as much as I want and try to sleep I just can not, it's almost like my brain does not stop and doesnt even feel the need to stop.

 Despite all my discontent and unwillingness to get out of these four walls that seem to me the safest in the whole world, I joined all my strength and started to get ready. Surely there was no task that I hated the most. Choose an outfit that seems to settle me decently, in my opinion that was an impossible task. And then I had to do my make up, I used to hate having to put any sort of thing in my face, it made me feel uncomfortable and I always wanted to scratch my eyes. But over time I got used to it, especially because I could not appear in the company with the appearance that I had spent the last month at parties instead of dedicate myself to the processes that I've in hand.

Funny that of all the things I have to do to prepare myself to face the day, the thing that I hated the most in the world, became my favorite. Perhaps because it makes me relax, it seemes that time is slowing down, and my mind is on trips to other distant and quiet places, forgetting all the not so good things that my subconscious loved to undervalue.

- I know Noora, I'm late again. What meeting do I have to interrupt again? - I laughed. I think my delays had become a habit because whenever I try to remember the other days the first memory I have is to arrive at the office apologizing for my delays and to have people wait for me. Maybe the reason for not being fired is due to the fact that I own the company because, of course, if I was someone else, I'd already fired her for months.

- None today. She said without finding it funny anymore.- I learnt not to schedule important meetings until 10 a.m. in the morning. But there's a new trainee that's starting today and I've set an appointment for you guys to talk a little bit. He must be arriving at any minute.

I wanted to scream. Intern? But why I have to start the day teaching the basic to someone who should not even know the essentials because he spent every year of university at parties instead of studying?

As much as I wanted to scream and tell her to unschedule it, that he could manage it all by himself, I knew I could not do it. I know how important it was for me to have someone to help me at the beginning of my career. Besides, I always like to have a conversation with my trainees to know where they studied and most importantly if they really have a vocation and desire to go far in this profession.

 -Thank you, Noora. When he arrives, please let me know.

 As soon as I got to my room, I began to take the files from my folder to analyze this case for the thousandth time. It had been six months since I had accepted to represent this family, and no matter how many times I look at it, I can not seem to find a solution. But my intuition tells me not to give up, that they are innocent and that I have to prove it, no matter how difficult or impossible it seems.

 Twenty minutes later, I hear three knocks on my office door, and Noora appears to announce that the trainee has arrived.

For a few seconds there was silence, but then I heard a knock again on the door and a voice asking for consent to enter, which I gave without even looking at the person's face. Another few seconds and I hear the voice again, it seemed nervous, but I understand, in my first day I seemed like a ball of nerves.

 - Good Morning. I'm the new trainee. My new one is Maguns and ... - this voice sounded familiar to me, but the name I was sure I had heard it before.

Then in an act of curiosity, I glared upward and could only hear my voice saying:

 - You? What are you doing here?

[in-paradox-space]

today I haven’t done anything. I’ve been down, anxious and lazy.

I want to get high with friends and do sesh things.

I want to draw in my notebook which got lost along with my drawing pens

and some other stuff

I left my bag in a taxi

I left basically all my convenient shit in that bag, chargers, some meds, my ps4 controller, more usb wires, more usb shit but its all really niche convenient techy shit

it isnt that niche but for “””””techies””””” and travelers alike (me) its really convenient

usb type c and micro usb chargers, otg cables, plug heads, usb 3.0 card readers which btw i can plug into my otg cable transferring torrented shit from my phone to a usb wherever i am

a tiny amount of oxy and codeine, 2 weeks worth of medicine roughly, plus some 5htp vitamins

hella baggies just because

probably makes the prescription medicine in there look suspicious

my beanie

and a small sketchbook, pocket sized

I’ve had it since the start of 2017.

I’ve been developing my very own abstract drawing style in that book for over a year.

Nothing valuable was lost. Luckily my camera&lens worth around a grand wasn’t in there

but its just all my convenient stuff

and what sucks most is losing that sketchbook

and as ive been home alone today

ive wanted all the shit in that bag

i can get over the stuff in there

but I want my sketchbook back

it has my address in there, my name, probably some contact details

I really hope they send it there. Even if they keep the other shit.

I may have left the bag in a taxi though. Usually I’d walk to the taxi place, then walk back. It’s like 2.5 miles in total which is a good thing for me because I like the walk

gets me outside,etc

but uh im anxious

honestly most likely because I fapped

I fap like once every one or two weeks. Nofap is no lie. I feel like shit the next few days afterwards

and uhhh

my neighbour moved out, which leaves his girlfriend in the apartment next door... if shes even his gf anymore???? i have no idea but theyre both moving apparently

well yeah i spoke to her boyfriend a lot, got on with him

but i barely know her

and i have no key to the front door of my apartment building, long frustrating story lol

lost my keys

i keep going to the same key cutter because i have no cash and they do free fixes when their own keys fuck up

they made one key cut work, my apartments, but the one to the front door doesn’t work

i dont want to ask her to open the front door, i dont want to knock on her door, its just

the word here is awkward but everything is awkward thats not really a reason

im just irrationally anxious. I feel like she doesn’t like me. There’s many reasons for her not to but also reasons for her to.

Either way I don’t want to annoy her

and it would just be awkward if she heard me try to open the door, then its locked and she hears that from her apartment

then she hears me go back up the stairs and not knock on her door

then that leaves us both in an awkward place

do i knock on her door, knowing there’s a 50/50 chance she heard my attempt to leave my own apartment building

then do that shit

or do i go back into my flat, knowing she probably heard me avoid her

she can put two and two together

hmmmmmmmmmmmm

then she may even knock on herself

with her nice smile which is actually pretty welcoming tbh

well tomorrow

yeah tomorrow i think oh well ill find out

im getting more medicine which i ordered since i ran out and lost mine

one that im able to live without for a week no problem, havent had it for a few days

im supposed to get a blood test every month on this medicine but its been 3 months

lets hope im aight

and uhhh

i need some kick out of this slump

i just keep lazing around

like i have so much i can be doing

like studying, making things for my pages

just hella shit which isnt even that laborious

like i make memes

thats my main thing

i have hella pages

its fun to make them 

i draw too

thats also one of my main things on the down low

but i keep putting it off

i play rythym games

analyze music

can be boring sometime but im under no pressure to do that

i make videos with my friend

god yeah i should do that

like my studying isnt that hard

i dont have to clean toilets every day

man  i just

hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

i want to get high on oxy and codeine for 2 weeks

but theres just a few a lot of problems with that:

money for one

thats 2 weeks out of my life

withdrawal from friends, having to hide that im back on the horse

then choosing between lying and telling the truth every time afterwards about the 2 weeks

then it wouldnt be as simple as just stopping would it?

maybe it would, sometimes i do just stop like its nothing

and what do i gain

but you know what

oxy might give me that kick

i just dont know the prices on the deepweb or how to use the deepweb

plus i dont have the money

but yeah i guess i feel like being withdrawn for 2 weeks

wouldnt mind doing some light opiates and reading homestuck

plus drawing 

then maybe cramming physics and maths work into literally every hour for a few days

im apparently having some xanax sent over by a friend

im having my doubts about that. it still hasnt arrived and he has reasons to not send them but still make me pay

this is my tumblr and nobody is fucking reading so yeah

but still drugs are mentioned, this is public and liable

id mention him but im just gonna say its the serious boyfriend of someone who got close to me

it fucked with him when it happened. idk how he feels about it now but hes polite to me

it could just be a polite front though, idk how he really feels

i actually really fucking admire the dude

a lot 

everything ive learned about him, from him and our mutual person has just been fucking exceptional

and thats on my mind every time she advanced on me

every time i invited it

every time i chose not to say no

hes a really great dude like i just

he could have beat me up that one time but he understood

he understood pretty much all times i think

and he opened up to me 

whether he sees it that way or not, i see it that way

id love to be his friend. maybe i will be even though this shit is in the air

but i think he may just be being polite, he probably hates me

but yeah

i like the dude

i dont want to fuck around with something that matters so much to him

when i honestly dont want to bother with her

shes admirably smart, very much so, but just not really the kinda person i want to spend more than an evening with

and i only want to be around her when she isnt drunk and in a good mood

shes so volatile i cant be doing with that

but thats why i commend him even more

hes stayed with her through it all and hes such a great person, in my eyes, to be in her life

and if hes gonna try to get cash from me this way then that sucks

like id probably just pay him if he asked considering how much hes forked out 

but nah hes gotta deceive me

i dont even wanna get into benzos, as nice as it is a few hours in,

i just dont like this memory fog

i dont remember any of it 

and the withdrawal seems fucking SCARY

plus tolerance and the fun wearing off when u get hooked

why couldnt he just sell me oxy lol

............. i may ask him

if i was doing oxy id probably actually get the fuck up

do the shit i wanna do

but yeah fuck that

thats basicslly all im saying

im getting anxious, low and unmotivated again

id call it dysthymia

[itsyybitsyyspersonalthoughts]

Journal Entry #3

After this ramble I will make an organized chart of experiences, and social upbringing and genetic traits to dissect and put together reasons why I act the way I do. Just to narrow down and try to attempt to find out if what I feel is a mental disorder or due to upbringing. 

You know, I sometimes try to tell myself there is nothing wrong with me. That I am completely normal and all I am experiencing is  normal. I sometimes think am I really feeling this way or am I just acting this way. I over analyze my thoughts and actions. There are people with more crippling conditions than me. 

Maybe I dismiss criticalness of my emotions because I haven’t been properly diagnosed so I cant truly believe that what I am experiencing isn’t normal. Is this the control aspect of me taking over? My NEED to know if what I am feeling is abnormal? Do I have an increased desire to need to know what is normal and what isn’t because I am an only child and didn’t have much guidance about what is normal and what isn’t or have any friends to compare and talk about what is normal or not. Do I really have OCD? Does this affect me by increasing my risk for developing an eating disorder? Do I truly have an eating disorder? I have never been officially diagnosed with anything. It has always been mentioned but I don’t know I haven’t been told directly. I need to have someone be clear with me. I don’t like it when people are not specific. Ambiguity is not my favorite thing in the world. Is it because I have low comprehension? Is my low intelligence due to my father/genetics? Maybe I’m not meant to continue education its like a genetic cast system. By this I mean my genetic traits have determined what I will amount to, rather than the social influence of one who lives in a cast system.

 But back to my intelligence, I truly believe I am mentally disabled in the way of having an impaired cognitive function or even motor disfunction. I can’t make my body move in the way I wan’t it to fast enough. Am I just uncoordinated? My mother said Momo is like that too. This only brings more agony to me because I feel trapped in my body. I cannot express movement, emotion, sound effectively and everything feels bottled up. I don’t have a social outlet. I don’t fit in with my age group. I don’t understand them. 

When I was younger there was always such a huge age gab between me and my family. I couldn’t sit with my mom and listen in on adult conversations and I was either ten years older or ten years younger than my cousins.

My evidence:

with cello- I was never able to express how I thought a piece should sound through my instrument. It made me so frustrated. 

high school gym- my teacher had me stay late after class with another girl (my friend) to participate in a study regarding the performance abnormalities. My friend was asked to swim a certain stroke, but before she did she was asked to explain what she was going to do, do it and then explain what she did when she returned. I had to do the same thing but a different stroke, but she had my friend leave and get changed because we were already being held behind. 

However, I am becoming frustrated with myself because I have these thoughts all day it takes over and I feel like it is taking over. I can’t concentrate in class. I am always thinking about calories. I body check several times a day. I plan my day around how many calories I will burn and consume. I park farther away from class and the gym so I have to walk more therefor burn off more calories. I make excuses to walk to my car. I have noticed I binge on weekends. My excuse to binge is that I tell myself I should eat it all now so I wont be able to later and I will be forced to eat minimally and healthy. 

I am disgusted by my roommates eating habits and weight. I have noticed I cannot remember things as I used to. Is this because of the eating disorder? Am I depressed? Am I bipolar? DO I have OCD? Do I have anxiety? Everyone seems to have anxiety now which makes me question if this is truly an imperative disorder or are we becoming more sensitive as a society due to our rearing that we have all become such sensitive and offended fucks? I don’t believe I get offended as people do now. I have trouble reading and understanding social cues but at the same time I don’t? Maybe I don’t know the exact words for what I am trying to get across that I cant explain it effectively. I hate tests that use absolute words. Because I will remember a piece of something that will not be true in one of the options but will be true in the rest but I will have to explain why I put an answer because of how the question is worded.

 I like problems that make you have to consider and think about other influencing factors. I think I am creative enough to be able to come up with reasons why a particular group may be thinking or feeling or acting out in a certain way. I believe I am just uneducated about specific cultural/community/social//religious values which really blocks me from being able to dabble in these. I love controversial topics. I love knowing information on both sides and discussing well maybe x is doing this because of a but y interprets a as 1. 

in 3rd grade on the night before our mission project was due (I remember because I waited to do it on the last minute and I made my mission out of cardboard boxes from Costco and colored a coloring page from the mission that I had been sent by the mission because Momo wrote to them about getting more information about it. Mom said that if my nose grew to be like my fathers she would pay to have me get a nose job. 

One day my mom made me french toast and my father made a comment saying “mama is trying to fatten you up” and before I took a bite I put my fork down and went to my room and closed the door. 

My dad has a thing for “big women” and expresses that all the time. He shames everyone for their appearance. EX red hair, clothing style, having glasses on facing backwards. He always says that people should just shave their head of they are balding in one area or have a receding hairline.

Area- I was never good at math problems that dealt with 3D objects or had to do with any geometry or spacial problems. 

I remember in elementary school I started catching clips of those health shows that are on at like 3pm about how to stay healthy and not get sick and lose weight. One tip was to keep an arms length away from meat sections but I swore I lost 8lbs from that. I would also count calories. 

My mom would always complain seriously about how it isn’t fair that my father eats three times as much as her but she is still :fat: but she doesn’t realize the lifestyle she lives keeps her there- she thinks she is doing a crazy amount of walking, but her restaurant store is very small, mine was twice as large. -here is me coming up with reasons why she thinks its unfair and what is really going on- so I would walk as much just being an expediter in four hours as she would being a server in 6. She also eats extremely high calorie desserts daily and lays on her ass.  I analyze my mothers personality and have found her weaknesses-driving reaction time, ability to deal with stress.

I hate the way she licks and sucks her fingers and makes humming noises about how good something was-Ive already analyzed why i feel this way

when I was in physiology we were learning about hormone imbalances and it made me suspect she had cushings syndrome because she displayed signs of the condition.

 During a holiday my cousin came over and he called my mom fat, it made me extremely angry because you don’t go up to people and say things like that so I hit him. 

My grandmother talks about how others are no good for society, she says she doesn’t believe my cousin will get anything other that working in food service because she is too boring and plain looking. She doesn’t believe Nick will get into UCI. What doesn’t she believe I will do? I heard her say “we will just be happy if she gets a degree” but degrees don’t mean shit anymore. What if I fail? Don’t succeed? I am the only child. I believe it puts a lot pf pressure on me. They’ve invested so much in me but what if I just cant do it? I don’t feel like I can do it because I am not all mentally there, I am too distracted by other thoughts. Which can prove that the overall health of the population affects access education and income resulting in education levels. 

I used to be so eager to learn. My favorite class was community health issues at LBCC. I have lost my motivation. I cant concentrate. I am not  intrigued by the information. I just want to sit on the floor and lay down all day. But then where would I burn the extra calories.

I feel happy and energetic when I work at my new job-they hate cynical which I am afraid I am but I am not when I work there I am very positive and happy despite talking to myself all the time. I think I talk out loud because I need that confirmation that what I am doing is correct. Again this can be related to being an only child and seeking approval. On my chart I will have “ONLY CHILD” as a category with a bullet list of traits that can be linked with me being an only child and a sub category of parent reaction and rearing because I was the only one. 

I  feel drained and dead when I am at home but I crave the company. I am alone. But that isn’t new. I have always felt this way so I don’t believe it is simply moving related but I am sure it is intensified. 

I have been experiencing strange body reactions. Leg and arm get that feeling where I need to extend it in a position it wont move. stretching and exercise don’t allow it to subside. I have been bleeding between my period for a week ad a half  after I saw a counselor and cried I felt happier and more talkative. I am usually irritated by talking on the phone. The way my roommate words things irritates me. “my friend” or when Im asked “what did you do all day” or “what do you think” right after saying something that is the obvious answer like why are you asking me what I think you just gave yourself the answer why do you talk about.

I cant sleep with constricting/restricting clothing like bras or leggings or long sleeves.  what is the difference between constricting and restriction (just for my understanding)

I have to stop for tonight. my left pinky feels numb and tingly and so does my left had and it is making it difficult for me to type. I am feeling restless too. I cant keep typing in a small squished position. the side of my pinky finger feels over used. 

this is just a small rant of topics to help me remember what I wan’t to go into depth in my blog to help me analyze my thoughts..

I want my first topic to be on my self diagnosed “eating disorder”and how it has physically affected my body and my worries about possible thyroid interference.

to be continued...

[somedaypast-thesunset]

so i went to this therapy session. it consiisted of this woman asking me what i thought my issues were and going through a list of “important life factors” before she readily prescribed CBT. and like.. ive learned to play the game with these people; if you influence them by giving too much or focusing on the wrong thing, they can suggest stupid things. so i gave her very concise and bare bones answers. 

unlike my family doctor, she had little focus on the traumas. she said the traumas must have created behaviors that needed to be examined. i mean, yeah. science? and like, i’ve learned to handle my anxiety atleast 30 - 40% better than say, last year. by using things similar to CBT techniques, like examining all possible outcomes and taking time to examine my anxieties rather than react on them. this has allowed me certain control over a lot of previusly panic inducing situations. but now im plateaued because the anxiety is not so much an issue -- i don’t care. i used to care alot more before. like i wanted to be seen as a good person and i went out of my way to be a good person and put myself and needs aside for it. but now i dont care? i find i have even less anxiety going out and meeting new people because i dont care? the apathy is overwhelming.

CBT doesnt fix apathy. and i dnt know if anything fixes apathy. 

heres what i do KNOW from this year of self improvement: the only thing that has made me feel remotely better and that has made sound logical sense since it came to be acknowledged is really standard old school talk therapy. in no fucking way can cure anxiety about being alone or having no family by “positive affirmations”. you can try and see some positives in but if you try to fool yourself so far that youre “totally okay” with no one, there will always be one day that comes when you regret “totally okay”. 

but absolutely no one cares about examining the known. no one cares why or how the family dynamic works except people literally studying it. all anyone knows is that by default, you’re handed a group of people who share similar dna to you and whatever happens after that is up to fate and chance. more often than not people have SOME kind of family. even those who say they dont “really” have family have some cousin or distance aunt or someone they manage to stay in close contact with. 

heres what i also know: he is “right” about one thing - the people we know, including himself, were shaped and influenced by a community; there’s half a million strong here but yet if you’re in our age group and you’re white you can probably play six degrees of seperation. and a lot of people turned to drugs, a lot of people came from bad homes, a lot of people have untreated mental illnesses -- and these are the people i am turning to for support. because i have no real choice right now. it’s literally trying to survive and you cannot pick and choose in survival. you take whatever you can get wherever you can get it. and thats not even to say these are bad people. clearly if they offer any support at all they are good people in their hearts. no matter what issue they have, they’re decent people.

but in no fucking way what so ever are they equipped to support another person emotionally or even leave their own foundations of support because i mean, who does that? logically? 

i went through all of this stuff. and like i’m nt trying to have a pissing contest of whos life was worse? my own parents lives were worse than mine. a close friend of mine - definitely way worse than mine. this could totally be worse but what difference does that make? you cut off a finger and you’re like “well didnt lose the hand” but youre still living with no finger. you still have to cope and deal with n finger every second of the day despite how much worse it “could” be. 

to me my power and release and way i feel good is not through meditation or yoga or taking a walk - it’s being heard. i want to be heard. i lived in silence an was sheltered for a long time and i didnt get to speak on a lot of things that legitimately shaped the way i lived my life. and like i’m not asking for these things to be analyzed. theyre not here for like a game of psychology. this is my life. this is what i lived and i want to speak about it. i want to be able to speak for ten minutes straight on what happened to me and how i feel. and secondly i want to be understood. like im not speaking a different language. there is no hidden meaning i am just telling a story i want to have understood by the listener. when you read a book, you dont stop thrugh a paragraph and be like “oh i remember the time my mom did this and this” and go off into a new tangent for yourself. you give it focus and attention to understand the nuances of this person’s perspective. 

and my doctor gave me the freedom to speak to him at anytime. i can literally go and be like i am upset and here is why and he will just listen to me. because my problem is not about me. my problem is the things that happened to me. CBT literally tells you that statements like “i am a victim to outside circumstances” is “harmful”. but i am? like i’m not saying this t promote an internal victimization but that outside circumstances happened to which i had little to no control over anything BUT my own reaction. 

and the thing is - no one at all will ever fix what happened. very bad things happened. this is without a doubt now, bad things happened. almost all of the time. and people cannot even fathom such trauma without bringing up sexual abuse or physical abuse because it more often manifests those ways but this was a unique circumstance of very different factors - none of which are special in the world but just a timeline that by using all of these factors created a very jarring and traumatic time. 

so you cannot give me medication. im not sick. im experiencing a natural reaction to long term trauma. like.. the brain is damaged now but who is to say filling it with synthetic chemicals to “fix” or cover the damage is any better? what happens when youre no longer on them? 

you cant tell me to meditate on it; sit silently and dont think about it? cruel. how o you think i made it this far? i deserve to talk about these things, outloud, without judgement. i dont even need a group. in fact right now i deserve one single human to give me the respect and time. because literally? sometimes i need like.. one hour in a month. just one hour in 30 days to speak out loud everything that haunted me that month and have it acknowledged in reality without personal opinion inserted. 

i explained to him why i didnt like cbt and why i felt like i wanted to be left alone now; like i was tired of being psychoanalyzed, i knew what my problem was, i knew what i wanted in life. he immediately brought up how i should be seeing a psychologist or psychiatrist instead and that i just needed to have that. i realize now that hes put alot of weight on a psychologist or w.e. solving my issues and “giving me coping techniques” and by me saying i wanted to be left alone triggered anger, like he assumed i was “giving up”? still, it went into an argument which led to him saying things like i needed to have a job to deserve a family which is very hateful and emotionally abusive thing to say. i walked away when we got to his place and then went to a friends for an hour or so before he picked me up. he commented on the way back, “just for the record, i’m just too real for people.” -- but ive started not to care. i told him he wasnt real, he was mentally ill and projected a lot of things on to people around him when he was a textbook example of toxic thinking. i said he should get therapy, but he wont because it takes work and it might mean he wont be great anymore but i still loved him regardless. 

he sat quiet for a bit and when we got back to his place he made a casual remark asking if we had talked about him. i said sure and he asked what was said. i told him the only thing im ever told about him is to not listen to him because hes crazy. he laughed a bit and asked how and why and who. i doubled down and said even my doctor has told me to not listen to him because what he says is harmful and misunderstood. he got very quiet and then seemed to be upset the rest of the night. i couldnt understand entirely why though? did he feel bad about it? did he think i was wrong? did he have shame people held this opinion or was he angry they knew about him at all? 

he was still a bit upset this morning but seemed to try and at least fake it? he told me he loved me when i left but it just seemed weird. i feel like he feels bad? like maybe he realized he was causing damage but now couldnt take it back? i certainly dont think he’d tell me he loved me if he was angry.