#and I was hoping for a bit of a break from fyodor. but at least there’s the potential for consequences right now

[iwritenarrativesandstuff]

depending on how this next part plays out, it may actually redeem the meursault arc in my eyes

[osachiyo]

❛ WHAT'CHA READIN'? ❜

𝐟𝐞𝐚𝐭𝐮𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠 — dazai, chuuya, fyodor, nikolai x fem!reader

𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬 & 𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐞 — n/sfw content, teasing, edging, getting caught while reading erotica/smut, full nelson, oral (m recieving), cock warming, kolya's is the longest bc yea, squirting, kind of 4th wall breaking in kolya's etc • here it isss !! i didn't expect so many people to want this but im glad i got to write it. anyway, happy reading and i hope you enjoy !! not proofread

ps. reblog to show your favorite writers support, they're greatly appreciated ! <3

𝟎.𝟎𝟎𝟏 — 𝐃𝐀𝐙𝐀𝐈

his hands flew to her neck, squeezing not too hard — but firm enough for her to get dizzy with pleasure. "lily, you're simply ethereal like this," the man on top of her groaned, hips still pounding away, his pelvis slapping against her thighs with each thrust. she moaned, nails raking down the crown prince's back, all while —

"..her pretty cunt squeezed around him at the heartfelt praise,"

you felt someone whisper from behind your shoulder, making you quickly slam your book closed and whip your head towards that direction — only to see your boyfriend, dazai, standing there with a cheshire-like grin on his pretty face.

"i didn't know you were into historical books, babe!" he said with a teasing tilt in his voice, making your right eye twitch. "r-right... ahem — anyway, you really shouldn't sneak up on people like that, osamu," you scowled, clutching said book close to your chest.

"yeah? and you really shouldn't read dirty books at work like this, sweetheart," he tilted your head up to face him, "what if it was kunikida-kun instead of me, hmm?" his voice was playful, and if you knew him, you knew that he was hinting at something — if it's wasn't obvious already by the prominent bulge in his slacks.

"well, aren't you eager?" dazai huffed out a laugh at the way you grinded on his thigh, trying to reach your precious book that was in his hands now. "her back arched like a cat's as the prince pounded away at her — not having an ounce of mercy for the poor maiden," dazai read in a mocking tone — all while flexing his thigh under your cunt, which you were humping for dear life. "please," you pawed at his chest, hips twitching with the need for release.

"please what, baby?" he grinned mischievously, free hand snaking down to land a playful smack on your breasts, before squeezing them. "please let me cum," you whined once more, batting your wet lashes at him in hopes of getting at least a tiny bit of mercy.

"well.." dazai hummed, placing the book to the side, before sitting you fully on his lap and unzipping his slacks — "since you want it so bad, work for it."

𝟎.𝟎𝟎𝟐 — 𝐂𝐇𝐔𝐔𝐘𝐀

you and chuuya were in his office, with him working and you on your phone.

chuuya noticed how unusually quiet you got — and how.. strange you were acting as you scrolled further down on your cellphone.

his eyebrows furrowed as he saw your pupils dilate, your breathing getting uneven and you clenching your thighs.... oh.

a smirk found it's way on his handsome face as realization hit him — you dirty, dirty girl.

"what'cha readin' there, babe?" chuuya raised an eyebrow at the way you flinched when he suddenly spoke up. "um.. just some romance story, you won't like it, chuu," you tried to keep a straight face as your boyfriend got up from his seat, and stalked closer to you.

"oh yeah?" chuuya inquired further, "let me see."

"NO!— i mean — you really won't like it, babe," you smiled nervously and clutched the little device closer to you, which only made chuuya's grin spread further. "riiighhtt."

a gasp tore from your lips when your phone was snatched away from you by the ginger man — he was way too fast and strong for you to fight back, so you just sat there — blinking dumbly as he read the contents of your little "romance story."

"really? a mafia boss x reader? heh," chuuya snickered, voice holding a teasing tilt to it, "ya got a thing for boss, or somethin'?"

"NO! oh god, chuuya — give it back!" you finally recovered from your state of stupor, lunging at chuuya — who caught you in his arms with ease. "easy there, sweetheart. now, how about i give you the real fucking thing instead of this stupid... fanfiction, yeah? bend over f'me, doll."

loud clapping could be heard from outside of chuuya's office — it was so embarrassing if anyone walked by, especially akutagawa, but chuuya didn't seem to care one bit.

your tight little pencil skirt was bunched up, panties pulled hastily to the side as chuuya's narrow hips slammed against your ass, gloved hands gripping your hips so hard that you feared it would leave marks. "you like that, baby? like it when i grind into you like this?"

chuuya slowed his thrusts only to grind his hips in circles — making you see stars as you desperately clawed at the mahogany desk.

a sudden knock on the door sent your mind spiraling from pure pleasure to uneasiness. surely he wouldn't —

"come in, akutagawa."

𝟎.𝟎𝟎𝟑 — 𝐅𝐘𝐎𝐃𝐎𝐑

"don't flip the page, darling, i'm not done yet,"

you flinched at hearing fyodor's smooth, rich voice from behind you — startling you enough to drop the book from your hands, which conveniently landed on your lap. you looked behind to see your husband, who had a smirk on his handsome, pale face — "f-fedya!" you smiled nervously, "you were.. behind me this entire time?"

"why of course, my dear. i was wondering what type of book my beloved wife is into, and i.. certainly didn't expect this."

fyodor's tone was condescending, derogatory even — making your face heat up in embarrassment and shame. "now now," he tilted your chin up to look him in the eye, "there's no need to be ashamed, darling. though i can't deny that i'm a little upset from you going behind my back to read something so sinful," fyodor clicked his tongue, shaking his head gently before narrowing his amethyst eyes at you, "i believe you need to.. make up for this little... mistake of yours. won't you be a good girl and do as i say?"

you gulped before nodding hesitantly, sweat dampening your palms at the sheer nervousness you were feeling.

"good. on your knees."

fyodor held your head down on his cock, the small tuff of black hair tickling your nose —he didn't give you a chance to catch your breath. the feeling of the tight walls of your throat, along with the pretty view of you looking up at him with those teary eyes almost had him going feral. he wanted nothing more than to just pull your head back and face fuck you — but no, he had you cock warming him with your cute little mouth instead. all while he read his own book.

now, you might want to think twice before reading something so filthy behind his back again — unless you wished for an even worse punishment, that is.

𝟎.𝟎𝟎𝟒 𝐍𝐈𝐊𝐎𝐋𝐀𝐈

"dove, can i ask you a little question?"

nikolai wrapped his huge arms around your waist, pulling you back against his chest and resting his head on your shoulder, waiting for an answer with a grin.

"what is it, kolya?" you tried to turn to face him, but nikolai's grip only got tighter — his lips brushing against the shell of your ear, "who the fuck is 'toji fushiguro' and why were you reading smut about him?"

nikolai felt you stiffen in his arms — a shiver running down your spine at his warm breath hitting your skin, along with the embarrassing fact that your boyfriend had seen what you read on your phone. fuck.

"hmm? no denying?" he teased, freakishly large hands skimming over your torso, then settling all the way up to your breasts. "he's just a.. fictional character, love," you winced at how fucking embarrassing that sounded — which only resulted in nikolai letting out a snicker.

"really? you wound me, sweet pea — am i not good enough for you, that you have to settle for reading smut about fictional men?" he dramatically put a hand over his chest, but you both knew that was not true. "i'll just prove myself to you then, mm?" nikolai grinned, planting a kiss on your clothed shoulder.

you groaned, "n-no! baby, it's just —" "full nelson, huh?" nikolai cut you off — his expression dark as a borderline scary grin settled on his lips. "that was the position right? you could've just told me you wanted to try it! come on, little dove — i'll show you full nelson."

that's how you ended up with your legs against your chest, nikolai's huge arms hooked under your knees to keep you secured against his chest — all while his thick cock plowed into your cunt.

your mouth dropped into an 'o' shape, drool dribbling down your chin to your tits — the mounds bouncing up and down erotically as you were drilled into from below.

"god, just look at you,"nikolai groaned — his arms flexing beneath you as he bit the juncture of your shoulder, the soft skin littered in bruises and bite marks. his heavy balls were clapping against your ass with each rough thrust — your pussy felt like it was splitting in half from the sheer girth of his dick.

"oh yeah, baby — cum f'me, a-agh — cum on this cock," nikolai's voice was slurred, thick and heavy with lust as he encouraged you to soak his length in your juices.

and soak him you did — spraying your arousal all over the floor, his cock and balls were dripping with it — as you went limp in his arms. but he didn't stop, no — he didn't stop until he was cumming deep in your womb, the creamy substance leaking from your cunt from just how much there was.

© 𝐎𝐒𝐀𝐂𝐇𝐈𝐘𝐎 𝟐𝟎𝟐𝟒 ─ do not copy/translate/repost and/or recommend any of my works on different platfroms under any circumstances. reblogs greatly appreciated !

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[a-random-weeb]

Can I request yandere fyodor, Akutagawa and chuuya with a fem crybaby reader? Like they don’t try to escape or break any rules they just sit in the corner and cry out of fear while trembling.

Oh, that sounds kind of fun!

Characters: Akutagawa, Chuuya, Fyodor

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Akutagawa:

•He always feels so bad

•He's not as good with words, so he just hugs you

•After he kidnaps you, he feels incredibly guilty

•He doesn't like how scared you are

•He tries to look on the bright side, at least you obey him?

•He has no idea what to do while you're shaking and crying in the corner, so he just kneels down infront of you and pats your head, kissing your forehead

•He tries to be really sweet, but probably accidentally glares at you while you're crying, making you cry harder

•At this point he's panicking he tries to pay you again, but pats you a little too hard and hits you 😭

•He attempts to apologize, but don't forget, it's also Akutagawa so...

•He apologizes but it seems like he's not really sorry because of his apathetic face (he is sorry)

•So the whole thing would end in chaos, him panicking and you in tears, but that doesn't mean he'll ever let you leave

*ੈ✩‧˚��☆༻*ੈ✩‧˚*ੈ✩‧˚༺☆༻*ੈ✩‧☆

Chuuya:

•For the first little bit, he just comforts you

•He'll kill whoever made you cry

•Or, if you have anxiety or something, he'll just hold you to his chest and comfort you

•It doesn't take long for him to kidnap you though

•He can't stand to see you so sad all the time

•Don't worry though, he'll protect you from this cruel world!

•He takes you to his mansion

•He locks you in the basement

•He planned ahead, he got you a gorgeous room down there, a nice bed of your favorite color, cute plushies (if you like those), all the accessories and jewelry you could possibly want, and whatever decor you like

•He hates how scared you are at first, of he wanted to hurt you, he wouldn't have gotten you this gorgeous room

•No, no! Don't try to get away! Why are you so scared? He won't hurt you!

•He holds you close as you cry and sob

•He hates being the reason you're crying

•The worst part is, you're being good! You haven't done anything to deserve how afraid you are!

•He absolutely hates how sad and scared you are, but He'll never let you go

°•.*✮⋆˙⋆｡°✩°•.*✮⋆˙⋆｡°✩°•.*✮⋆˙⋆｡°✩°•.*✮⋆˙⋆｡°✩°•.

Fyodor:

•At first, he just find you an annoying, weak, crybaby

•He's low-key mad he fell for you

•Eventually though, his views on you change

•You're so nice to people, you're too pure for this world, and so, he kidnaps you

•He likes to play around with you

•He see's how hard he can make you cry, how to cheer you up, what you act like when you're at your lowest, ect.

•He's not purely cruel with this, he also likes to see how long he can be around you and be nice before you cry over something

•He loves how obedient you are

•If you're crying over something stupid, or that he deems dumb, he'll just leave you there to cry depending on how good you've been

•Since you're typically obedient, he does sometimes comfort you when you're crying over dumb things

•If you're crying for an actual good reason he'll always comfort you

•Sometimes he feels bad for how much you cry, especially since you're such a 'good girl' as he calls you

•He doesn't often show he feels bad unless you pick up on the subtle, accidental hints he gives

°♪`⊹*ꕤ˚+.°♪`⊹*ꕤ˚+.°♪`⊹*ꕤ˚+.°♪`⊹*ꕤ˚+.°♪`⊹*ꕤ˚+.°

i hope you liked this! I had a lot of fun writing this

[oishiyani]

🦐 ; Bigger Hints

warnings ; implied yandere behavior, contains nsfw, stalking, dark explicit content, gore(?) well slightly, NOT proof read (im sorry)😿, fem reader

wc ; 2,241

might make a few more bunch of these with the others in mind 😸!

maybe taking on the offer of the one and only fyodor dostoevsky wasn't such a bad idea at first. taking on the job to be an undercover spy for him, your job was to only spy on the list of people he gave to you. atsushi, dazai, blah blah blah.. a whole bunch of random people you don't even know from before. well not until now that you're already trying to pinpoint their whereabouts.

and in return, you get money. that's right- money.

you liked money, with it's own multiple purposes- to buy new clothes, food, accessories, some new shoes.. oh how it was such a dream for you to achieve those. i mean, the job was to only spy on them, don't act suspicious.. and don't get caught, those were the last thoughts before you accepted the job, signed the contract you were offered from fyodor.

fyodor.. was a strange and quite gave off an unsettling vibe for you. from his outfit dressed oddly to his dark mauve colored eyes gazing at you as you try to drink your tea in peace while you two were in the same room. why'd he have to look at you like that?! it was making the atmosphere quite a bit awkward so you shifted your gaze somewhere else quickly after meeting sight with him.

focus on something else... oh the music! yes, yes, y/n. just listen to the music and enjoy your food, don't look at fyodor for god's sake!

it had been already more than a few times of exchanging stares from each other between you and fyodor, you had to ask yourself why does he have to look at you so often? not like something's wrong with what you're wearing right? or maybe there was something on your face?

you assumed that fyodor has an interest in orchestra music. he would always play them while you two were doing nothing, his eyes closed as he listened to the tune while you sat there or while resting. you weren't allowed to bring your phone in fyodor's base. it was forbidden but you don't dare to ask why.

"soo.. how long have you been listening to orchestra music, fyodor?" you asked in hopes to lessen the unhandy feeling. starting a conversation to expect a reply when he did the opposite. now that made you felt quite embarrassed- or maybe he didn't hear you through the sound of the music running in the background?

great, now you just wanna bury yourself under the dirt.

▼△▼△▼△▼△▼

as days passed, fyodor's behavior made quite a curve.. rather than usual.

now, starting a conversation with him was the least likely thing you wanted to take action on. thinking that he was the person who didn't like to be disturbed after the 'awkward' event that happened a few days ago. but now was different.

he was getting quite getting verbal with you, besides the conversation of your report on the strange men you spied- fyodor started making side comments after your reports. it would sometimes be questions of what else did you do besides spying? or what did you eat today? or, did you take a bath?

then to be surprised to feel a vibration from your pocket after finishing your break in fyodor's base. receiving an unknown number through your phone. the message stating 'this is fyodor.'

now that felt the slight goosebumps on your skin. how'd he even get your number? you don't remember giving out your number to anyone these past few weeks.

you shrugged it off, telling your self it was no big deal. being familiar with fyodor didn't set you off, although you still wonder how'd he get your number from the start.

the next day you asked fyodor on how'd he get your number, to be only answered by silence and another music piece of orchestra playing in the background, was he avoiding your question- or did he not hear it again?

▼△▼△▼△▼△▼

the next few days again, you receive such special and luxurious gifts outside your doorstep from an unknown sender. they would vary, to sets of bouquets, expensive chocolates, high quality essentials, and branded clothes and bags. and a gigantic fluffy teddy bear.

of course you were really shocked. at first, you thought that the sender might be sending a bunch of these gifts to the wrong person or the wrong address. but unfortunately the gifts didn't give any clue who was sending it, not even a note or an initial somewhere. truthfully you wanted to return it out of guilt, feeling that you don't deserve much of these- still thinking this must be for another person but mistaken you for that person. yet you still kept them, stacking it around the empty spaced corner you had in your dorm.

you're making money out of this job you have, you can get all of those one day if you finally start a career and become successful one day using the saved up cash you get from your job.

▼△▼△▼△▼△▼

on the last day of your contract, which stated that you only needed to do this for a month. unexpectingly your relationship between fyodor had become more.. closer?

fyodor started to question more about your personal life, your family, past history, relationships, your friends, experiences that you found funny. he listened while you kept talking. and one time, you swore that you heard him mumble, but you were in the middle of talking as you were pouring the kettle filled with tea onto your empty tea cup.

sitting on the fancy looking sofa, fyodor who's roots are surprisingly removed from his chair he usually sat on- instead, he sat near the single fancy looking chair just beside the long sofa you were sitting on.

"i'd love to hear your voice forever."

"sorry, i didn't hear what you said! what were you saying again?" you spoke as your hurried to place the kettle back to its old position.

to his reply, "oh- nothing, you can continue."

you blinked for a moment, "alright, so-" continuing what you were saying without a single curiosity on what he previously said. you assumed maybe it was just the wind? well that was funny for a wind to sound like fyodor that time. but once again, the poor oblivious y/n was going about to dive in the danger zone.

▼△▼△▼△▼△▼

"n-ngh.. ah-" fyodor hissed under his shortened breath, huffing as he watching from the desktop in front of him as his hand was moving up and down furiously around his cock from the displayed footage in his desktop.

a live footage of you, completely naked after your shower. it was such a delightful image to see in his eyes, your body wet, the way the water droplets drooped on your skin, your pair of tits who fyodor was craving to fondle.

god, it was making him so crazy. watching you dress up in a sexy looking dress- it was even the dress fyodor sent you. your bare ass faced in front of the camera made his action fasten- he bit his lips, his hand pumping his throbbing cock till he reached to his climax. making his cum stain on the screen of his desktop.

fyodor gulped the lump on his throat, calming his breathing when you were almost finished with dressing up yourself- you were grabbing a pair of heels then a doorbell suddenly rang on your door. it was 8pm, now who could that be? "coming!" you shouted, grabbing the purse that was on your bed.

fyodor watched you wear those pair of heels in a haste, you tried to run after wearing them- yet still being careful not to trip. he continued to watch you out of curiosity on who was on your doorstep in the middle of the night. unfortunately for him, the creek to your room showed a silhouette of you and another person who was taller than you, had quite a large figure, and was a man, he thought.

the built-in camera inside the teddy bear he sent you recorded the conversation coming through the hallway, both of you and the man's voices echoing loud enough for the camera to reach the volume. to fyodor's reaction, it really was the worse that y/n can imagine.

"are you ready for our date?" the voice of a man spoke

"mhm, didn't expect you to get here at the exact time we talked about!" your voice replied.

something inside fyodor was burning intensely, his heart felt a painful ache he couldn't prevent- his hands balled into a fist while his eyes glared at the screen after hearing what he just heard. a date? with this man he never knew of? how ridiculous.

he thought that you were getting the hints he was giving, although to you- it barely even got into your mind that he was into you by showing the sudden curve of behavior.

he had to make a bigger hint on who you only belong to.

▼△▼△▼△▼△▼

the contract ended with fyodor, you were now a cashier for a bakery- still saving up money for the career you want to pursue.

everything was as normal as usual, a day where you work, go home, eat, sleep. then to wake up to your new fiance cooking you a good smelling breakfast in the morning. you met your partner by just stumbling upon him by the street, spilling coffee on you that stained what you were wearing, offered to pay and treat you to a restaurant- he insisted alot so you couldn't help but agree, then that's where all the talking started.

he was a night shift worker who worked as an engineer. while you worked from afternoon to around the evening.

then suddenly, every important people in your life, disappear one by one.

receiving an email of a photo of your fiance caught kissing another woman in a club- heartbroken then went to seek comfort through your friends, but they refused to be in contact with you, you didn't know why!

you were in the lowest point of your life.. you seek your family, calling your mom- hoping that she'd pick up but to misfortune hitting you, you only got a message that says they're not available. for after 30+ calls every hour?!

you don't know what's happening.. you ask yourself what is happening? you were confused, so confused. you lied there on your bed for who knows how many days you were sobbing with red puffy eyes surrounded with tissues all over the place.

curled up into a ball, you were fired from your job for being absent for weeks without any reason. now that just made it worse for you- the feeling of being back to zero, now who were you to turn to now?

'fyodor..' wait, that's right.. fyodor! maybe you could take his job again, in hopes to get progress through life being rough on the road.

you sat up from your bed, feeling a bit of back pain from lying for too long. you stood up and quickly grabbed a jacket and wearing it- there you took the route you were once familiar with. to the way to get to the man fyodor's place.

finally arriving to his place which was located in a forest, you walked up to the door and gathered the courage to knock. just knock y/n.. just like before, like you always did.. fyodor knows you right?

with a silent moment, you knocked 3 times. then a few seconds passed you overthinked that maybe he doesn't live here anymore. or maybe he wasn't hear- or maybe he just didn't want to answer the door-

the sound of the doorknob turned, you were startled but your body felt nervous for seeing a person you haven't seen for a while.

and there you met eyes again with the man, one and only- fyodor. he still looked the same as ever from the last time you saw him, he greeted you with a smile as he looked down at you.

"fyodor! i-"

you were cut off by fyodor's sudden offering of a small box with a ribbon wrapped on it.

"what's this..?" you asked.

"oh, open it so you can find out." fyodor replied.

you took the small box out of the palm of his hands, with one pull of the strand of the ribbon untied it. you opened the lid of the box.

a flash of horror and disgust was on your face, immediately recognizing what was inside.. it was the finger of your fiance.. the finger where he wore the matching rings he gave you when he proposed to you.

"what the fuck!" you dropped the box out of shock, you looked at fyodor with your legs feeling weak as they tremble- your breath started to shake. you felt stunned. paralyzed.

fyodor smiling at you, how did he get that in the first place..? you had so much questions running your mind, they continue and continue.. and continue till your nose was covered with a cloth.

your vision blurred, you felt your consciousness fading. what was happening? were you dying? you finally collapsed, being caught in fyodor's arms as he gazed at you the way he gazed you from the beginning.

fyodor's arms wrapped around your unconscious body, pulling you close to kiss your forehead. a smile of victory.

"you're mine.. all mine my little мышь"

[diagonal-queen]

What if with an Intelligent s/o who literally outsmarts Fyodor,Dazai(separately) and they Re smiling while The two are shocked😭

Drink water!!and I hope you are healthy mwa mwa

- Literally Anon

i have the iq of a saltine- these two would rip me to shreds lol

An S/O who outsmarts them

♡ pairing: Fyodor Dostoyevsky, Dazai Osamu x gn!Reader

♡ synopsis: How do Fyodor and Dazai react to a reader who outsmarts them? (I guess you guys are playing chess or something idk T-T)

♡ cw: None!

note: This is one of my oldest reqs and I just...never got around to it because I'll be honest I initially had NO idea how to proceed. But I would rather die than disappoint someone who made such a kind request and so I went on and WROTE IT ANYWAY. In your face, my stupid brain. I'm so sorry this took forever anon, I love you too ~mwah~, apologies for errors and I hope you enjoy x

Fyodor:

So...he is speechless for a moment (and maybe for the first time in his entire life), and you definitely notice this

He relaxes after a second and smiles back at you, congratulating you for your skill and intelligence (I really did base this around you guys playing chess I'm sorry if that's not what you wanted T-T)

Fyodor makes some statement on how he's rubbed off on you and while it's admirable to see you evolving, you have a long way to go before you reach his level.

When you eagerly accept such a challenge he's amused but he does find it pretty cute how determined you are to beat him. He doesn't really think you can do it again (at least not very soon) but will encourage you anyway

He's very flattered that you're so proud of yourself for outsmarting him because it reinforces that you look up to him and thus he maintains his dominance (he's got a superiority complex I think)

He doesn't know whether or not he should bring it up to Mykola because on one hand, he could basically flex his S/O and how smart you are, but on the other hand it would also kinda be admitting defeat and he doesn't wanna do that lmao

Lowkey though, his ego is a tiny bit hurt by this whole thing ngl. He likes being superior in specific ways like niche anime intellect lol

But nonetheless he takes it in good stride and looks forward to seeing your intelligence progress in the future.

Dazai:

Dazai just isn't used to being surprised. He's been genuinely surprised like maybe four times tops in the entire canon of BSD. Alas here he sits before you, defeated (dramatic much)

And even worse is that you're so happy about it. You're smiling, not necessarily in a smug way, but just...proud of yourself. Even you seem to know how much of a moment this is.

After his minute of shock is over, his mind immediately switches to 'oh my god, they're the one. my soulmate'

He's like...legitimately emotional about this? In his life where his friends love him but don't understand him, and his foes understand him but don't love him, he's overjoyed to have found someone who does both

Dazai eventually breaks out into a smile too because honestly? He's proud of you as well. He knows you're intelligent but he didn't know you were his brand of intelligent

From here on out he sometimes has a bit of playful competitiveness when it comes to battles of wits between you two but he's not serious about it and might even sometimes do that thing where he purposefully lets you win stuff lol

He also thinks it's really cute how proud of yourself you are for this because it emphasises how highly you see him too (awhh)

All in all, he takes it well! And now you have bragging rights >:)

okay just because i couldn't beat fyodor at chess doesn't mean i couldn't absolutely destroy his ass in mario kart

[fyodcrs]

Day ?: I’m still thinking about chapter 108.

I was supposed to post this a week ago, oops.

A lot of people, after chapter 108 dropped, appeared to assume that the “revelation” about Fyodor in this chapter was just a ruse, as Fyodor claims it to be. Personally, I don’t think it’s that simple, and I wanted to talk a little about it.

I should note that this isn’t really a theory or an analysis, just my initial impressions. And I guess we’ll find out pretty soon if I was close to the mark or not. Next chapter? Too much to hope?

I think that this was real:

But everything from this point was fake, or at least was Fyodor acting:

If it is true that Fyodor - the real Fyodor - has been controlled by his Ability this entire time, his breakdown after Sigma showed him the note was a moment when his real self, his real consciousness, took over. The sudden change in him is profound and shocking. His eyes look so different, and we know that eyes are important in BSD.

Then we get the POV break, however, and when we return Fyodor starts giving us some "explanation”...and then this happens:

The moment we return to Fyodor and Sigma after the second POV break, I think Fyodor had been “taken over” again and was acting. But I don’t think he was acting from the beginning, nor do I think that everything he said even when he was “acting” was necessarily false.  

There are a couple of reasons for this. First, it’s too out-there a reveal for me to believe it was a complete swerve. It really came out of absolutely nowhere, and then it’s all just lies? I don’t know, I find that hard to swallow.

Then there’s the matter of the note. If it was Fyodor that wrote it - why? Just for this silly ruse? Sure, he certainly could have predicted the entire course of events that led up to Sigma confronting him with a gun and laid the trap, that’s just what he does, but even for Fyodor that seems a bit much. Was it not Fyodor that wrote it, then? But who else would have written a note in Russian that says “help me”? Nikolai? What for? That seems like it’d be very out of character for him.

There’s also what Fyodor says after his breakdown. “What year is it?” What kind of question is that to ask if you’re pretending to be under the control of your Ability? Wouldn’t something like “Where am I?” or “Who are you?” be more fitting? Considering that Fyodor’s age and the nature of his Ability has been kept a secret for so long, this line really sticks out to me as important.

Not to mention, there was this in the previous chapter:

I don’t think it’s insignificant that Sigma is the one to say this, the one to bring this question up for the first time, rather than Dazai or Nikolai. Sigma is himself a character that could be considered not fully human. He was created from the Book, which itself is suggested to have been created by an Ability. Sigma’s origin, too, then, is tied directly to Abilities. It makes a certain amount of sense for him to be the one to realize that there’s something off about Fyodor, or at least for him to be the first one to confront Fyodor about it.

We know from 55 Minutes and Dead Apple that Abilities can take on a life of their own and even subsume the personalities of the original bearer. In 55 Minutes, Jules Verne’s Ability absorbs his personality and lives on; in Dead Apple, Shibusawa’s Ability lives on after his death, with no memory of his death and no knowledge that it is an Ability. Some Abilities, like Mori’s, naturally are manifest as separate personalities, though Mori has control over Elise.

Speaking of Dead Apple, there’s this famous scene:

“Even in the midst of the fog, my special ability did not turn against me like the others. Do you know why that is? I am crime. I am punishment. Did you not know? Crime and punishment are close acquaintances.”

Maybe this is more literal than I thought. Maybe there really are two Fyodors - in a sense. The real Fyodor - the “crime” - and his Ability - the “punishment.”

I do not, however, think that a “split personality” is really the “true” nature of Fyodor’s Ability. I think it’s probably more complicated than that. Abilities are extensions of their bearers, after all; Elise does not really have a distinct personality except what Mori gives her, and Shibusawa’s Ability had his personality and his desires.

Which makes me wonder - if this is true, and if the Fyodor we know really is the real Fyodor’s Ability, how much of his desires, his perception of himself and of the world, and especially of Abilities, is his own, and how much of it came from the real Fyodor?

I have a whole rant about Dostoevsky and Fyodor’s character I’ll post if this all turns out to be true, but for now here’s a quote from Demons:  “I also know that it was not you who ate the idea, but the idea that ate you...”

Another reason why I don’t buy that this is all a lie is that we’ve had no other red herrings about either the nature of Fyodor’s Ability, his character, or his past before this. It’s all just been subtle hints. It’s very odd that there would suddenly be a massive red herring now, so far into the series and so far into the DOA arc.

Of course, Asagiri could absolutely be trolling us. Who knows? Maybe in less than a month we’ll find out Fyodor really does deserve an Oscar. I wouldn’t even be mad, because he should have already won an award for that performance when he was arrested in the café.

[just-a-dinosaur-i-guess]

tell about ur aus,,, go on

HELLO TY FOR THIS ASK

i have so fucking many aus so i'll ramble about a few

my latest one takes inspiration from this post and it's basically, dazai takes in atsushi and the akutagawa siblings, but realizing he can't really find a job to support all of them at once, he decides to go and (try to) reopen odasaku's favorite curry place. there are a few issues.

he is Not a great cook

atsushi can only make chazuke

aku and gin don't know how to cook

the place is kind of a mess

so eventually he goes and calls up chuuya and he's like "hey, you know how to cook, can you help me" problem is, chuuya's pissed at him bc THIS is when he calls him again and it's not an explanation of why he left, not a "sorry for blowing up ur car", not any of that, it's just another favor. so his immediate response is "fuck you, no" and dazai has to nag him into coming and helping, this being via taking some random pm member for hostage and specifically requesting that chuuya come pick him up

chuuya does indeed arrive, but he also breaks dazai's nose, so dazai ends up vaguely explaining with an ice pack on his face lmfao. this bit is what i have planned most vividly and is hopefully? gonna be a fic i publish. but also, later, ranpo ends up at the curry place and is like "damn you live like this" and dazai replies just kinda, "either order or get out" but ranpo offers him a better job (that being working at the ada), and while he hesitantly agrees, it's only a part time thing for the first bit. also although i haven't decided yet i think he might also end up finding kyouka before the pm gets to her and tachihara before the hunting dogs find him bc i am weak to 1. found family 2. BIG found families.

chuuya is absolutely fucking baffled when he runs into dazai during an ada job, btw.

"i thought you ran a fucking curry shop" "i do that too" "?? what the fuck" "it's called being a PART TIMER chibi" "i'm gonna break your nose again"

anyway next au!!

cowboy au (btw, they still have abilities) where nathaniel is a travellng priest looking for a doctor to cure margaret who's deathly sick, and he hasn't really been having any luck (he's been searching for months to no avail), and eventually at this one town it's like.. it's late at night, nathaniel's thirsty, he heads to the bar to get some water. nikolai promptly swaps their drinks, nathaniel drinks something really strong and passes the fuck out, wakes up to being in an inn room (with noteably less money) and storms the hell out of the building just to find nikolai petting his horse and acting all innocent about doing anything. nathaniel just tries to leave, nikolai follows, and they travel like that for a bit (occasionally trying to kill each other) before they get the third member of their dysfunctional little party

do you remember that one kid fyodor killed?

this little guy (karma), is a pickpocket who steals nathaniel's bible in the hopes of selling it to get food. the two find him, both kinda realize his situation and while nathaniel is about to point him in the direction of the town's local church nikolai goes "fuck that" and just straight up kidnaps him, and they keep traveling. nathaniel and nikolai are mutually, regrettably, falling for one another, but this just manifests as more murder attempts, to the point that one night, nathaniel tries to strangle nikolai, nikolai wakes up and strangles him back, and when nathaniel passes out he fucking dreams about nikolai and is HORRIFIED. things only get worse and gayer from there and i also think they go on a train at some point.

karma's enjoying the horse rides at least, and there's some other characters that show up though tbh idk who besides this one dazai scene and gin at one point

okay this other au is shorter, but basically: ada kajii. this is built off of SO many headcanons, but essentially kajii's backstory is just the lemon short story. except that kajii never found lemons, bc instead kunikida (his old friend/school friend that fell out of contact with him) reaches out, they become friends again, and so when kunikida joins the ada, so does kajii. kajii works as a clerk bc, like, he doesn't. know he has an ability. Oh Boy Does He Get A Surprise during dead apple

okay i was gonna talk about my eternal winter au but that would be an essay /lh

SO instead!! shiburan au, an au i never. properly named beyond that it's a shibusawa x ranpo focused au. also co owned with my bestie @feralshadowdemon <33

basically, yokohama is a smaller, calmer seaside town, no abilities or anything. shibusawa moves in, working at the pet shop across the street from this coffee shop that's connected to a bookstore. the coffee shop is run by (most of) the ada, and the bookstore is run by yokomizo; mushitaro and poe work there. the members of the ada who work at the coffee shop are fukuzawa (he owns it), ranpo, kunikida, and yosano. dazai is fukuzawa's newest adopted kid, and ran away from home. (he was living with mori (and elise) before) yosano Understands his situation, having done the same years before.

ranpo starts going over to the pet shop a lot, both bc he's running errands (fukuzawa owns three cats) and bc he likes talking to shibusawa. they eventually exchange phone numbers and start texting. in the background of this, btw, is soukoku: they had a messy breakup years ago, they act like they don't like each other, etc etc normal skk things. the flags are a biker gang who are alive and well here, and chuuya hangs out with them a lot. dazai is a bit jealous of them, ranpo knows this, and so when chuuya starts volunteering at the pet shop, ranpo brings dazai along on an errand run so the two run into each other again. they start talking again, slowly bonding again by virtue of wingmaning shiburan

also misc details

dazai and aku are just. they are just friends here :)

aku and tachi are friends!! also higugin is real

the akutagawa siblings live with hirotsu

fukuchi is the hunting dogs' dad; except for tetchou, who's jouno's boyfriend. he has stricter parents.

fukuchi here is a retired military veteran AND ex movie star. his movies are awful /aff

shibusawa has a pet cornsnake named draconia

odango is engaged here but oda travels a lot so they haven't got married yet

ango works in an office in the big city, but he visits dazai sometimes. they are friends

bramcraft is married, they adopted aya

kyouka and kenji also live with fukuzawa!! twincoded tbh

kyouka has narcolepsy

there is so much more but i have been writing this post for an hour SO just shoot me (another) ask if you're curious :D

and yeah that's some of my aus!! i have a masterpost of all of them slowly being built in my drafts hehe

[elf-osamu]

Hii! Can I request (female or gn) reader x Jouno, Tecchou, Ranpo, Fyodor and Nikolai? And that reader is maybe jealous cuz boys show too much attention to another person? Thank you and have a nice day/night!

hey :) thank you for requesting ! i wrote this thinking about the main reasons one might be jealous of someone (for example, being insecure about oneself), tbh i'm not really fond of jealousy 😭; also i apologise for the wait ! i hope this is to your liking anyway <3. btw, just so you know, i don't write girl readers/nm. and have a good day/night too !!

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

JŌNO, TECCHŌ, RANPO, FYODOR, NIKOLAI W/ AN INSECURE!JEALOUS!READER

[ masterlist ]

hurt/comfort, romantic relationship, saigiku jōno, tecchō suehiro, ranpo edogawa, fyodor dostoevskij, nikolai gogol (separately) x gn!reader

warning(s) : use of pet names, slight jealousy, insecurities about oneself, reader has low self-esteem, anxiety thoughts, food mentions, slight cursing

words count : 3,719 words (i wrote these one-shots in the span of one month so their writing styles are all a bit different ig 😭)

plot : “you see your partner spending a lot of time with someone whom you don't know. anxiety thoughts fill your mind. are you good enough? does he still love you?”

SAIGIKU JŌNO :

[ ☆ ] i believe that jōno wouldn't disclose his true job to his partner, or at least not at the beginning of your relationship.

[ ☆ ] he'd simply say that it consists in something really similar to a civil servant or smth like that.

[ ☆ ] you wouldn't question his affirmation. everyone has their own secrets, right?

saigiku jōno wasn't a bad partner, not at all.

spending time with a fascinating person like him was entertaining and almost inspiring, somehow. you were amazed by his cunning and keenness, by his peculiar ways of discussing certain topics, by his dazzling grin and many, many other qualities of his.

one thing that, however, you worried about, was his job. you couldn't seemed to understand how your boyfriend spent all those hours preceded by a soft “i'm going to work, see you tonight”.

normally you wouldn't have cared, but every day after he got home he was clearly stressed, even if he always admitted the opposite. after taking a quick shower, saigiku would lock himself in his studio to still work. you'd have liked to at least lend him a hand, even if that wouldn't have meant knowing the true nature of his job.

also, he was often on call with other people whose names you didn't know, probably his colleagues, discussing some kind of problem at work.

you completely ignored the severity of their tasks.

today was no different from other nights: the side of the mattress next to you was cold, it being untouched from your lover; the only sounds you could hear were the ones of your own breath; you felt incredibly lonely, as if no one else lived in that house.

and yes, a bit jealous of his associates.

you sighed as you looked at your bedroom's ceiling.

of course jōno had to think about his job and spend time with his colleagues, but also you were a person present in his life who deserved a bit of his company, weren't you?

[ ☆ ] as minutes and minutes passed, you took courage and went to confront saigiku about your feelings on the matter.

[ ☆ ] surprisingly, he proved to be very understanding and he apologized for his inattentive, careless behaviour.

[ ☆ ] “despite my demeanor, i'd like to let you know that you are not a nuisance in this relationship. i won't make the same mistake twice, you can be sure of that”.

[ ☆ ] and he really means it. jōno is a man of his word.

TECCHŌ SUEHIRO :

it didn't happen anything particular that day; the windy weather brought a cold but bearable air, which only made you slightly shiver.

however, along with it, a melancholic feeling was slowly breaking through your heart, like a swift arrow trying to pierce its distant target.

the said disgressing sensation was indeed persistent in its purpose of spoiling your mood, not wanting to leave you even for an instant. it metaphorically resembled a shadow, always in your company even in the moments when you absently forgot it.

you knew that there was no reason to feel upset, it was just one of those bad days that were a part of this miserable, sorrowful yet beautiful life.

nevertheless, you asked yourself why you had to be in that state in that specific evening.

“[name], do you have any idea what to order?”

you looked up from your menu to where your boyfriend was, or sitted in front of you, and you slightly sighed while a shy grin made his way to your lips.

he was ethereal in his suit.

“not yet, there are too many delicacies to choose from. what about you?”

“to tell the truth, me neither. i'll ask the waiters to wait a few more minutes.”

that specific evening was a date with your partner, who was usually busy at work to spend his time with you - and you too were busy with your job and private life, for the matter. it was rare to have moments like those, to forget about the rest and enjoy a peaceful moment together.

coincidentally, however, you didn't feel very well; you had little to no energy that wouldn't have been enough for you to hide your discomfort. yet you didn't want to talk about it to him, you didn't want to bother suehiro on such an uncommon occasion.

after some time, a staff's member came up to your table and you two said your own orders. you couldn't help but notice that all the time they looked at your boyfriend, almost ignoring your presence, and you felt a bit uneasy.

tetchō was a kind of oblivious person in regard of others' attempt to flirt with him, he didn't really notice nor cared about it. neither you normally did, but in moments like those you clung to anything slightly suspicious and immediately saw the worst possible scenario.

i'm just exaggerating, that's for sure. gosh, i'm really tired, my head seems to be imploding.

when they left, your boyfriend took your hand in his.

“by the way, we haven't discussed properly about our lives yet. how are you doing, my dear? did anything worth, or not, mentioning happen?” he asked with his gentle voice, eyes fixed on yours.

suehiro was a kind and caring soul, though not without his own secrets. when he told you about his job, you were a bit skeptical at first; however, after truly knowing him, you found out that he wasn't as merciless as it seemed: he had a big heart, seeking justice for those who couldn't afford to find it for themselves.

certainly, not always in the most desiderable way possible.

as the evening went by, that staff member found any excuse to go back to your table and talk to your partner. you had no energy to reply back or to talk about your discomfort to tetchō, so you remained silent while uneasiness was devouring your heart.

tetchō, being the polite person he was, didn't cause any fuss nor he noticed their intentions; he always responded calmly at them, ending up talking to them more than you.

[ ☆ ] after paying for dinner, you both headed to his car, respectively sitting on the driver's and passenger's seats.

[ ☆ ] “i... i would like to talk to you about something; i'm not really sure how to say it, though,” you said in a whisper, looking at your intertwined fingers that were laying on your lap, not wanting to face him.

[ ☆ ] “love, you don't have to say anything that you wouldn't prefer to disclose. perhaps, it'd be better if we were in a more quiet place?”, your partner genuinely asked, worried about your well-being.

[ ☆ ] you silently nodded.

[ ☆ ] he drove for a while, then parked in front of the sea. it was a quiet night.

[ ☆ ] “would it be okay for you if i vented right now?”

[ ☆ ] “of course, [name].”

[ ☆ ] so you started your monologue, from your negative thoughts to the staff person at the restaurant, not without biting your lips to avoid crying. you felt miserable.

[ ☆ ] tetchō, after you finished, asked if he could hug you.

[ ☆ ] whatever your answer is, he wouldn't complain.

[ ☆ ] “i'm terribly sorry for not having noticed your state. next time, please, let me know and don't feel forced at all to do anything you don't want to.”

[ ☆ ] “also, when you ever feel like this, keep in mind that i love only you.” <3

RANPO EDOGAWA :

[ ☆ ] before starting with the request...

[ ☆ ] i think you and him, at the beginning of your dating story, had a mutual agreement to absolutely respect your personal spaces.

[ ☆ ] what i mean, in this case, is that ranpo would never use his great deduction-skills on you without your permission.

[ ☆ ] this rule allows you to decide what you want to share and what not with him, instead of being read like a book in five seconds and not having a minimum of privacy.

[ ☆ ] so, he wouldn't understand right away if something (or someone) is making you uncomfortable (and this is true in general, in every kind of relationship communication is the key).

[ ☆ ] anyway, it was a day like another...

ranpo had many cases to solve, along with different candy shops to explore for the sake of his own palate. they were sorted with all kinds of sweets, from lollipops to colorful marshmallows to mini cakes. your boyfriend's eyes were full of pure joy at the sight of all those delicacies.

you softly sighed, a small smile was forming on your lips. there weren't many things that ranpo enjoyed, so you were glad that he found in sweet treats something that piqued his interest.

after purchasing the greatest detective’s favourite snacks, you two proceeded with the pursuance of his case. normally, he would go out with his other colleagues, but today he asked for your sole presence. perhaps it was his way to spend time with you, since his daily schedule was usually full.

“remind me again, what else we need to do? we solved this case, didn't we?” ranpo genuinely asked, picking a fruit jelly from its package and offering it to you.

“almost,” you replied, swallowing the candy while muttering a quick ‘thank you’. you took from your backpack the folder containing all information about the case - being one of the detective agency's secretaries had its advantages - and then you checked the texts on your phone. “now, now... ah, yes. one of the victim's sibling, who is also their legal guardian and a witness to this case, wants to talk to us; kunikida said that you could be familiar with them. their name is...” you pronounced it.

“oh, right, i know them! they were involved in another case, many years ago. at the time i was twenty and, since we had the same age, the president let me keep them company”.

“it could be that they just discovered that you were assigned to this case, so it's kind of an opportunity to reconnect with you” you thought aloud, attempting to steal a marshmallow from your boyfriend, widely grinning after succeding in it.

ranpo jokingly pouted, “hey! i bought them with my own money”, and in response you kissed him.

“you jerk...” ranpo murmured, biting his bottom lip, clearly trying to hide his smile.

you two continued to tease each other on the way to the agency; when you arrived at your workplace, you composed yourselves and went to the hall, where the victim's sibling was waiting for ranpo.

you decided to leave your partner some space and went to the coffee table, filling your personal mug with the sour drink. you took a sip of it, and in the meantime you set up your messy desk, writing down in your notebook the main information about the case, which you would then have to write as a report.

you could hear the two of them chatting about their first encounter, laughing of the old days, and a tinge of jealousy formed in your heart.

ranpo wasn't one to befriend with witnesses nor victims, as all the agency members he was professional when the time came, however they seemed pretty close...

i should concentrate on my work. why am i even thinking about such shallow matters? we are literally dating and they are a witness, that's all. i'm just overthinking things.

nevertheless, you lifted up your gaze, anxiety creeping within you. they were still talking, but the witness had put a hand on ranpo's shoulder.

you freezed. ranpo detested physical contact, only a few people could dare to touch him; yet he didn't move.

maybe they were dating those years ago? ranpo seems comfortable with them. of course he would, they are nice, beautiful, and they have an angelic voice. they seem to have all the qualities that i lack of. no wonder that-

you slapped yourself mentally. you had to focus on your notes or else you could end up indulging more in those thoughts.

“thank you again, i'm grateful for your work in regard of my sibling. now i shall take my leave,” you heard saying, then the witness quickly left the agency quarters.

you slowly sighed in relief, although you felt bad for what you have thought; you shouldn't have doubted ranpo's loyalty and trust. gosh, why were you such a mess?

you took your head in your hands, closing your eyelids; though you didn't notice your boyfriend, who was reaching your side.

“[name], what's the matter?” he whispered, not wanting to scare you.

[ ☆ ] he sat on your lap while you explained him the situation.

[ ☆ ] ur man would reassure you with cuddles and snacks, along with kind words.

[ ☆ ] “i won't lie, that touch made me a bit uncomfortable, but they didn't know that i generally despise it. plus, for me they are just a witness,  nothing more.”

[ ☆ ] “my dear, i love you and you only. let's head home to spend time together, shall we?”

FYODOR DOSTOEVSKIJ :

[ ☆ ] i imagine fyodor being someone that goes frequently to libraries, spending hours sitting on a wooden chair, reading books of every kind, mainly the classic, philosophical and psychological ones, which explore human nature.

[ ☆ ] if given the opportunity, he would gladly talk about his opinions on various topics.

[ ☆ ] though, he only talks about it in depth with a trusted person with whom he finds himself at ease.

[ ☆ ] so it kinda became your thing to talk about different matters and ideas in the said quiet place.

[ ☆ ] in this one-shot i used the russian diminutive of the name fyodor, that is “fedya” (федя).

as you entered the gothic library, you detected the familiar scent of old books. the atmosphere of the past still lingered between those walls, there were few traces of the modern world there - as if one wanted to maintain the grandeur of the building.

that hadn't really been a great day for you, your self-esteem wasn't the best and you sure needed some kind of comfort. you silently hoped that fyodor would bring you reassurance through his silvery voice and crisp speeches.

you headed to the philosophy & psychology section, remembering that your partner informed you of his location beforehand.

you found him reading an old tome and at the same time writing something down on his notebook.

“hi, fedya,” you murmured, placing a hand on his shoulder. although you couldn't see it, the corners of his lips rose in an affectionate smile. “good afternoon, darling”.

you took a seat next to him, watching intently the way he was smoothly writing on the white paper. strands of dark hair adorned his pale, delicate skin while his amethyst eyes, illuminated by the light of the room, were softly glimmering at the book's pages.

how could an almost angelic being like him be with you? probably, it would always remain a mystery.

“fyodor, i'm back- oh? who are they?” someone behind both of you asked.

you jumped on the spot, surprised by the new voice; turning around, you looked at the person who had just spoken. you were certain that they weren't someone you knew, perhaps they were a fyodor's friend?

“they are [name], my partner,” your boyfriend replied calmly, without turning back. “and [name], they are a regular customer of the library as us, we met just a few hours ago”. precise and concise as always, without saying more than necessary.

“oh, it's a pleasure to meet you. i didn't think that a bookworm like him could have a partner,” they jokingly said, causing you to stiff in your chair.

“the pleasure is mine,” you returned the greeting, although you were a bit skeptical of the new... acquaintance.

as they and fyodor, close-knit, began talking about some philosopher you did know nothing about, insecurities invaded your mind.

now, fyodor wasn't one to befriend people so easily, was he? it was rare of him to be interested in people, unlike material goods, which seemed to greatly satisfy him, to fill the void in his heart. you felt foolish and terrible for thinking such things, but maybe... just maybe...

“i apologise folks, but i must bid you farewell,” the person near fyodor said in a fake melodramatic tone, standing up and putting on their coat, “i hope we'll meet again”.

[ ☆ ] some moments later, you laid your head on the table, snorting at yourself for being so insecure.

[ ☆ ] i hc fyodor to be someone who reads body language well, so of course he knew what you were thinking all this time.

[ ☆ ] “i must say, i am not usually fond of people, you know for sure. but, in spite of this, i can say that you, my dear, are an exception. you are my one and only. truly”.

[ ☆ ] jjk reference who.

[ ☆ ] fyodor uses words to reassure you ! he's not really a hugger.

NIKOLAI GOGOL :

[ ☆ ] let's forget for the time being that he's a wanted t3rror!st, shall we?

[ ☆ ] obviously i'm not asking this because otherwise i wouldn't know what to write for this one-shot, pff haha why would you assume such a thing/s

[ ☆ ] nikolai couldn't you have a normal job or smth you f*cker/lh/j

[ ☆ ] anyway, in this one-shot i used the russian diminutive of the name nikolai, that is “kolya” (коля).

having an outgoing personality allowed nikolai to easily get to know people: his friendly and warm nature captured the hearts of others, as a comfortable sweater on one's figure, making it almost difficult to ignore him.

of course, there were some that found his unreserved temperament to be a source of annoyance, which however your boyfriend didn't care about at all.

perhaps it was this nonchalance of his that made you fell in love with kolya, the way it didn't matter to him what the others thought of him as long as he could do whatever he desired.

“babe, are you listening to me?”, a familiar, husky but pleasant voice brought you back to reality.

your boyfriend, who was sitting next to you, was looking at you with a confused expression.

“oh, sorry kolya, i was lost in thought. what were you saying?”

“i was wondering whether you wanted popcorns - and sharing them with me - or something else” he explained while running a hand through his hair. “the others already ordered their snacks for the movie”.

“popcorns are just fine,” you replied with a hint of a smile, “thank you”.

he leaned over slightly to leave a kiss on your lips. “no problem. extra large cup, 'm i right?”, you quickly nodded. then he stood up, heading to the cashier.

the so-called ‘others’ were a bunch of people about your age, that you and nikolai had just met there, at the cinema's hallway, waiting to enter the movie room. coincidentally, kolya found out that your seats were close, so why shouldn't you all befriend?

truth was that, despite being constantly reminded by your boyfriend that he truly loved and adored you, your self-esteem wasn't the best; many people admired him, so why did he chose you? and, too preoccupied to pay attention to your (untruthful) thoughts, you had no energy to socialise and talk to complete strangers.

“i'm here~ oh, we can enter in the room now!” your partner exclaimed; one of his arms was holding the huge portion of popcorn, while the other went to loosely rest on your waist.

he had noticed your bad mood, it was just that he didn't know how to approach it and if it was the best decision to make anyway. he was the type to joking around to lift up others' mood, but openly talk about it? it wasn't really his thing, mainly because he wasn't so in touch with his feelings as he seemed to be.

you two followed the new-formed group, discussing the possible endings and plot-twists of the movie, even though you all had only watched the trailer.

after taking your seats, the movie started.

some time passed, between a scene and another; nikolai talked a bit with you and a bit with the other person next to him, but then he arrived at a point where he was speaking only to them and you were the one eating your shared popcorn.

i must not get upset. there's nothing wrong with what they are doing, they are simply having a conversation, aren't they? why am i so f*cking irritable today?

you couldn't lie to yourself, you felt a little neglected by the whole thing; it would have been a different story if that had been an evening with friends, however they were just an unknown person. but they weren't doing anything strange, right?

[ ☆ ] as you continued to ignore your susceptibility by being silent instead of speak up, the movie ended and so, after saying goodbye to the ‘others’, you two left the cinema.

[ ☆ ] at the cinema's exit, you took your boyfriend's hand and started playing with his fingers, a sign that you were nervous.

[ ☆ ] a few minutes later, nikolai stopped his footsteps and looked at you, forcing you to stand in front of his eyes.

[ ☆ ] “my love, what's wrong? y'know you can tell me anything”

[ ☆ ] “kolya it's nothing-”

[ ☆ ] “[name]... if you don't feel like explaining it to me right now, it's fine. but, don't lie to me, please.”

[ ☆ ] after some hesitant moments, you started talking about your feelings in regard of the previous situation.

[ ☆ ] nikolai waited in silence, while he was hugging you, leaving some soft kisses on your face, there and there, to encourage you to talk.

[ ☆ ] in the end he would reassure you a lot !!

[ ☆ ] and he would make up for that night doing a movie marathon at his place with you and you only.

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

[ do not copy, translate, repost, etc. | by @ elf-osamu ]

[miammey]

I’m gonna rant a tiny bit about BSD chapter 101!! Be warned.

Alright, I’m gonna sound a little desperate here, but does anyone else think that Chuuya’s bot dead or dying here?

I can’t say anything about Fyodor, from what we know he’s human, but Chuuya’s currently an undead vampire, which normally means he doesn’t need to actually breathe, the water shouldn’t suffocate him, right?? He shouldn’t be drowning.

I know at least one person’s gonna point out the air bubbles in this panel, but that could be the air that was in his clothes or body escaping, one person on Twitter (I don’t remember who, I’m sorry) said it’s most likely escaping from under his hat.

About this panel too, Dazai’s saying something along the lines of “oh nevermind!” after talking about the good memories thought the speaker.

It’s possible that he’s saying this to piss Chuuya off enough to temporarily break out of the vampire thing to kick his ass. If anyone knows how strong Chuuya is, it’s Dazai, and this does seem like a very Dazai thing to do, piss someone off to get them to do something, more specifically piss Chuuya off.

One more thing, this is the last panel of the chapter

That’s a word, right? I don’t understand Japanese in the slightest, but to me that seems like someone is speaking (or maybe thinking?) of something while underwater. It’s most likely Chuuya, seeing as he was the last person being referred to in this chapter.

To put it short, I believe that this is one of those cliffhangers Asagiri loves so much, and we’ll see something big next chapter, but until it’s absolutely confirmed that Chuuya’s dead, I’m gonna hold out some hope.

[fyxzai]

Is it pain if you seek it?

Pairing: Dazai x Fyodor

Genre: Fluff, angst

Warnings: Drug abuse, religious imagery

Dazai stumbled into their apartment a little after 3 a.m., clumsily closing the doors behind him, making too much noise with too harsh movements, but he doesn’t mind as he slips his shoes off by the entrance, hoping to leave the animal clawing at his chest there too, hoping it will politely curl up under the coat hanger and stay until he has to leave again.

But he knows it’s hopeless as it clings to the inside of his throat like cigarette smoke, and shrugging off his coat, he holds onto the ways as he walks to the living room, careful to not disturb the cross Fyodor hung on the wall when they first moved in.

Fyodor is awake, Dazai knows it even if his eyes are closed, because he always is when Dazai’s not there, waiting by the window in an armchair, and Fyodor looks more peaceful than anyone could expect from the demon sitting there with a rosary in his hands and muttering prayers in Russian.

Dazai promised to stay clean, and he knew Fyodor wasn’t stupid enough to actually believe the empty promises Dazai whispered that December night as the clock ticked to dawn, but he tried.

He tried and failed, because that’s what Dazai always does, he tries and fails on a cycle that made his stomach churn and beg his God for forgiveness.

Fyodor hasn’t acknowledged him yet, so Dazai passes by the door, his mind hazed and bended as the cocktail of drugs he took and injected earlier that night ran rampant through his veins, making him nauseous, so he makes his way to the bedroom, falling down on the bed without trying to remove his clothes, his hands ached too much for that.

In another room, Fyodor finally opened his eyes, crossing himself as he set the rosary down on the Bible by the windowsill, and so he follows Dazai, sitting next to him on the bed, pulling Dazai on his lap to cradle him like a child with Dazai’s face buried against his chest, and really, it makes a cathedral, Fyodor’s arms around his treacherous body, the touches cold but forgiving, softer than most things Dazai’s used to.

Fyodor opens his mouth, his knowing amethyst eyes boring deep into Dazai’s soul, and Dazai expects him to scream, yell, to show his disappointment, but instead, Fyodor asks softly, kindly, his fingers tangling themselves into Dazai’s hair.

“What’d you take?”

Dazai closes his eyes, trying to match Fyodor’s even breathing, until he feels he’ll suffocate and can’t help but think how nice it is to be held by something holy, at least once in his life.

“I don’t know.” He confesses, with the same shame as a child admits it stole candy in front of a priest, and he curls up further into Fyodor’s hands, hoping against all odds he could disappear and never be seen again.

“It’s okay, Любимый.” Fyodor hums, and when Dazai presses a chaste kiss to his lips, Fyodor allows it, tasting of honey and smoke in a way that makes Dazai remember why does his worship his love in the first place.

Fyodors lips on his neck could hurt, his hands in Dazai’s hair could pull and Fyodor could desecrate Dazai’s body until he removed whatever mortality was left within the bandaged monster, until Dazai’s veins spewed gold and marble instead of red, but instead, he kisses.

“Fedya, I’m sorry.” Dazai whispers into Fyodor’s neck, and when Fyodor says nothing, Dazai wraps his arms around Fedya’s fragile ribs and hopes at least a bit of Fyodor’s holiness will rub off on him, that he too could be made of ichor and thyme smoke with the water of river Jordan running through his veins instead of a cocktail of chemicals and sins staining his limbs red.

Fyodor forces him to swallow down water with a magnesium tablet, and when Dazai clenches his jaw so hard he was sure he could break it, Fyodor taps it gently, cupping his face and planting another kiss to Dazai’s lips.

Dazai falls asleep in his God’s hands with blood coating his tongue and thorns wrapping around his ribcage the same way a curse does, and when he wakes up the next day a little past noon, he is still in Fyodor’s arms.

He doesn’t deserve the privilege to be so close to the fallen angel his beloved was, so he holds tighter, hoping to never let go.

No matter how many times he has sinned, no matter what wretched pain may take what little there is left of Dazai’s soul, his God will always offer him forgiveness.

a/n: deadass made this sideblog just to share my fyozai brainrot bc my dudes it is a PAIN

[dinosaurtsukki]

solitude | fyodor dostoevsky x gn!reader

part 3 of broken, continuation of savior

summary: for the first time in a long time, you're free of fyodor with him in prison. however, you find yourself wondering if this is what you truly want

word count: 1.1k words

contains: stockholm syndrome-ish (depending how you look at it), slight manipulation

anon: Hi ! First, I hope that you’re okay, I wanted to tell you that your work is soooo great, I really support you. Then I wanted to ask you if you could write a part 3 of « broken ». I really loved « broken » and « savior », you are very talented.

a/n: ahh i'm so flattered but thank you !! broken was actually my first fyodor fic so i'm surprised people like it and asked for a sequel. i was kind of on the fence with how to end this series because y/n and fyodor's dynamic is a bit complicated but i hope it came across here!

you're loathe to admit it, but every time you heard a doorbell ring or a knocking on the door, you hope that it's fyodor finally returning home.

it had been more than two weeks since fyodor had enacted his master plan using cannibalism to get the port mafia and armed detective agency to turn against each other. you weren't completely privy to all the details of fyodor's plan or the bigger organization he was working for, but he did let you know that being sent to jail was a part of it.

"you're free to use this space, especially since the special division and armed detective agency are cracking down on the rats of the house of the dead," fyodor told you one night.

"is that so?" you raised an eyebrow at him. "i see you're playing favorites then."

"you've only noticed my favoritism now?" fyodor chuckled. you found it almost funny in hindsight how your relationship had evolved from him manipulating you to playful banter between the two of you.

"you won't be seeing me for a long time," he hummed, absentmindedly twirling a piece of your hair with his index finger. it had become a habit of his that you didn't find entirely unwelcome. "should i leave you a little souvenir so you don't miss me?"

"you're already leaving me your place," you scoffed, waving a hand at him. "that's enough. i have to lay low for the next couple of weeks too."

"that would be advisable," fyodor nodded, letting go of your hair and sitting a little farther from you on the sofa. you hated that you almost wanted to move a little closer. "i've made sure to take care of my tracks. they shouldn't inspect this place."

"alright," you said, paused, before adding "thank you."

the next morning, he was gone before you even woke up. aside from the emptiness of the apartment, you were left with an ambiguously melancholic feeling.

now, he was gone and you had more than enough room to breathe. if you wanted to, you could even finally run away after making sure the coast was clear. but you had already established a while ago that there was more benefit to you staying with fyodor.

maybe the decision you were grappling with was whether or not you actually missed fyodor.

'impossible,' you thought, physically shaking your head as if trying to correct yourself. and despite what you told yourself, there could only be one explanation as to why you frequented fyodor's study so much and took care to wipe his cello case clean every night.

in fact, you began staying in the study more often each day. the desk was as neat as fyodor had left it with his laptop and several files and books stacked neatly on the table. one book in particular, caught your eye.

"the complete collection of t.s. eliot poems," you read aloud. suddenly, you remembered one of the first time you and fyodor had talked in the library, back when you were just a college student and he was just a handsome stranger.

of course, you could tell that the placement of this book could only be deliberate. "of course you'd leave something for me," you spoke out loud, as if he could hear. carefully, you opened the book and found a space neatly cut into the middle of the pages and a flash drive embedded inside.

...

"well, if this isn't quite ironic."

fyodor doesn't look surprised at all to see you standing in front of his jail cell. in fact, it looks as if he had been patiently waiting for you all this time. and that's because he has.

"you couldn't have left your escape plans in a more obvious place?" you sighed at him.

"but that was obvious," fyodor blinked innocently at you. "i knew you would find it at the right time."

did he know you'd be spending most of your time in his study? it was embarrassing to be known that well but you read intently through the plans he had encoded in the flash drive. you couldn't believe what fyodor was asking of you this time because surely he overestimated your abilities.

"couldn't you have asked someone else, someone more capable, to do this for you?" you asked him.

"what for? i have complete confidence in you," fyodor smiled. he was dressed in the white clothes all the other prisoners wore. you could tell that he had lost quite a bit of weight due to his stay and both of his hands were cuffed. and yet, he looked absolutely delighted at seeing you.

and that gave you a deep sense of satisfaction.

you pressed a hand to the bulletproof glass of his jail cell. "remember that night? when you broke me out of jail?"

"of course i do," fyodor hummed, leaning back and closing his eyes as he savored the memory. "that was sloppy work on your part. anyone could tell that you had an ulterior motive to get yourself caught."

"yeah, yeah. i'm aware," you rolled your eyes.

"ah, but look at you now," fyodor cocked his head. 'you've changed,' was on the tip of his tongue and you could only agree. even if fyodor wrote up the plans for his escape, you were still the one who snuck into the facility and incapacitated more than a few security guards to break him out.

who would have thought this is where you'd end up?

you keyed in the passcode on the door before stepping inside the jail cell. fyodor held his cuffed wrists out to you and you sighed and crouched down in front of him.

"you couldn't have at least picked the lock on your cuffs?"

"i'd rather you do it for me," fyodor smiled at you.

you didn't even need to be told twice. he was the one who had taught you this skill after all and your fingers worked quickly at the lock. of course, you were aware of fyodor intently staring at you and the way his fingers brushed at the inside of your wrist. finally, the lock clicked open and his metal cuffs fell away.

"finally. they tightened those a bit too much," fyodor sighed, rubbing the red marks on his wrists.

"you must have said something to offend them, like always," you emphasized.

"how was i to know they were going to be offended?" he scoffed as the two of you practically strolled out of the jail cell and into the hallway. "i assume you've been enjoying your time alone at the apartment."

"the silence was definitely a plus. although admittedly..." you trailed off and caught fyodor's glance. "i do miss the sound of your playing."

"is that so?" he chuckled amusedly and flexed his wrists. "i'm out of practice but, i think i can arrange something for you when we get home."

you nodded with a bemused smile on your face. "when we get home."

▸ 🎕 ┈┈┈┈ 🎕 ┈┈┈┈ 🎕 ┈┈┈┈ 🎕 ┈┈┈┈ 🎕 ◂

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[dreamkidddream]

I really enjoyed your writing on the ADA members with a younger sibling like partner <33 I was wondering if you could write the same scenario but with Chuuya and Fyodor? Except the younger partner in question has a rough past and cheery/joking personality similar to Dazai(?) I'm super excited to see more of your writing!! c:

Hi anon! Thank you for the compliment and for reading (here’s the scenario for those that want to read it)! The only difference is that instead of this reader being pure, they’re going to be like a mini Dazai (or at least similar to him). One change that I did make was that Reader isn’t as suicidal as Dazai (ie. constantly trying to find a way to end their life), but Reader is ready to go whenever and wherever, whether it’s on their terms or not. Reader is gender neutral and hope you enjoy!

Also ayyyeeee my first time writing for Fyodor! Hope I did him justice cause his part took a while lol

TW: Mentions of suicide, dark moments (Reader is a bit sadistic, but nothing graphic is mentioned) small spoilers for Dark Era arc and Season 3

Acting as a Younger Sibling with a Rough Past and Personality Similar to Dazai with: Chuuya and Fyodor

Chuuya

Well he was extremely disturbed to say the least. Okay extremely may be over exaggerating, but the way you acted got underneath his skin bad

You reminded him too much of Dazai, minus the suicide attempts and the animosity towards him. Although that didn’t stop the morbid jokes from happening

“Hey Chu-Chu, what did the librarian say to the guy that wanted to check out a book on how to commit suicide?”

“How many times do I have to tell you not to call me that!-“

“Go away, you’re not going to bring it back. HA! A knee slapper, am I right?”

He wondered if Dazai got to you first like he did Akutagawa, and if he did, that was just another reason to strangle him

You were his partner, and you were young. So seeing the way you interacted with everyone and everything with such a pessimistic attitude while still being cheery was alarming

Not to mention how easy it is for you to just readily accept death at every turn. You’re the literal embodiment of “guess I’ll die” and it drives Chuuya up the wall every time

He remembers the one time an enemy held you hostage how you were so cheerful to finally be rid of this joke you called a life, and that you told the guy who was holding a gun to your head to “put it between the eyes, it looks 10x better that way.” And “don’t be afraid to blow my brains out either! But you do you, but I think it’s a rather stylistic choice if I do say so myself.”

The man thought you were trying to distract him at first, but when he figured out that you were serious he honestly got so nervous he was ready to just let you go and suggest therapy lmao

After he handled the situation, he took you directly under his wing. Sure, you were already his partner, but he was really going to look out for you including outside of work. If it meant that he had to “babysit” you, then oh well

Plus he didn’t want to face Mori if he just let you die while under his care

You realized what he was trying to do when you two would go off to “collect information” and would be doing the complete opposite. “Hey, I’m kinda hungry, let’s take a break and grab a bite to eat.”

“I thought we had to get this info back to Mori ASAP. Not that I care if he’s mad, he’s been holding out on me and this is the perfect way to take revenge.”

“Holding out how?”

“I told him that since he’s a doctor he would be the perfect teacher to show me some new techniques.”

“...on?”

“Torturing, duh! My methods are getting kinda stale, and I do want to perfect my craft after all. I want to be good at something before I kick the bucket, Chu.”

Poor man is honestly in so much distress because of you please help him

And the way you interacted with the other members was both entertaining and horrifying to watch at times. Majority of the time, you were this happy go lucky kid with a dark sense of humor (you still made people smile, although sometimes it was tense or apprehensive, but whatever a smile is still a smile). But when you were having a bad day or a mission was going wrong, everyone knew to steer clear of you.

A new recruit tried to cheer you up one day, telling you that “it could always be worse”. You then got pulled into the office with a very angry Chuuya and a mildly disappointed Mori.

Chuuya finally had enough after months of this occurred. It was like a never ending cycle: except your behavior was getting increasingly more reckless and dangerous. It was driving him crazy trying to figure out why you were this way and if it was any way to snap you out of it

He wasn’t a stranger to death, he’s seen it with his own two eyes, end even killed people with his bare hands. But the huge difference between you two is that he didn’t particularly enjoy killing, if it had to be done then he had no problems doing so; it comes with the job y’know? But with you, you took actual pleasure in killing. It filled you with a sick sense of glee, and it even made his stomach turn

The bond between you two grew from just a typical work relationship (as far as working in the mafia goes). He knew that from underneath your rather concerning persona, you were just troubled. Someone or something made you this way, and while he had his own troubles growing up, he was able to deal with it and overcome his issues. It just seemed like you just...gave in to yours. And it made him feel pity for you.

You didn’t mind Chuuya at all. You actually liked being his partner! He was pretty much the only person that you didn’t feel a need to harm or kill. And he was fun to be around, when he wasn’t being such a party pooper (I mean what’s the point of being in the mafia when you can’t purposely spill some blood every now and then for fun?). The only thing you didn’t like was how he would try and get you to talk about your past. You honestly didn’t see a point in it, it’s called the past for a reason, why didn’t he understand that?!

But no matter how many times you would shut down or try to change the subject, he would always try again, and again, and again. It was very annoying. And you didn’t like to talk about it. Why didn’t Chuuya understand that?!

Eventually, his pestering worked. One day after a rough mission when he had to patch you up, you opened up to him. You didn’t immediately tell him everything, but you gave him small insights to what happened, to what lead you to be this way

You could tell that he was grateful that he was finally getting somewhere with you. And you yourself was surprised that your dynamic didn’t change. He didn’t look at you with sympathy in his eyes, he didn’t baby you, he wasn’t disgusted by you, everything was normal. The only difference is that Chuuya told you that it was okay to talk to him, and that you shouldn’t be scared to approach him (psh you scared, yeah okay)

Chuuya felt like a weight lifted off his shoulders once you opened up. You were still a bit sadistic (but you did tone it back after the recruit incident, and after you saw how repulsed he looked, so you just did everything behind closed doors now) and had your cheery persona on, but it felt a little bit more real now. It felt genuine. It gave him a good feeling to see some spark in your eyes instead of the full he felt himself getting used to. And he would never say it to you, but it also gave him a warm feeling with him being your role model (you knew but didn’t want to burst his bubble yet)

Your change wasn’t very noticeable at first, but that’s okay. No one needed to know, it was fine with just you and Chuuya. You still felt the desire to just be done with life, but it wasn’t your focus whenever you were with him. You hadn’t made peace with your past yet, but you felt you could one day with him by your side. He was someone that you didn’t knew you needed (or wanted to admit to), but it worked out in the end. You had doubts that you could or would ever change, but if you did, growing to be someone like Chuuya would’nt be the worst possible outcome

Plus, whenever he did run into Dazai with his new sidekick, he is 10000% bragging about how much better and cooler you are, with him being the superior between them both. He can’t WAIT till you guys can whoop their ass

Fyodor

Well weren’t you such an interesting character

To see someone as young as you ready to just leave this world in an abrupt way was intriguing, and he realized that he could use this to his advantage. Maybe even give you something to gain in exchange

He found you hiding inside a disgusting abandoned building (a fitting place for a rat if he would say so himself), drenched in blood. Fyodor didn’t necessarily care why, but he was curious about one thing: why were you smiling? Your eyes were so lifeless, yet here you were smiling so bright, as if you weren’t covered in someone’s blood

Fyodor found himself smiling down at you. Did you think he was prey, that he was going to be your next target? He wanted you to try, he wanted to see what you were really capable of

“Tell me, what is going to be your next move? Do you wish to attack me?”

“If you do something that I don’t like, then yes, that’s the plan. Why are you here Mister? You wanna have some fun too?”, your smile turned into a smirk, twirling your very sharp knife in your hand. “You’re not even from here, so why are you trying to bother such an innocent kid like me?”

He matched your smirk, “You are from innocent, child, even a blind man can see that. To see just how full of sin you are. This wasn’t your first atrocity that you committed nor would it be your last. Which is a shame, it might be too late for me to cleanse you of your filth.”

Oh, he was going to be very amusing to mess with. But you weren’t stupid. Something wasn’t right with this man. No one would walk up to someone with copious amounts of blood on them, holding a weapon that caused said blood, while berating them about being “full of sin”. What was his ability? Did he have people with him? Was the building surrounded or booby trapped? These questions swirled around your head, all while he just kept smirking at you. He was pissing you off, who the hell did he think he was?

But you kept your anger at bay, plastering a cheerful smile on your face. “Sin? Cleanse me of my filth? I guess I do kinda stink but who exactly do you think you are, some type of God?”

“That’s exactly what I am. I’m here to free this world from this wretched curse that has been brought upon.”

...huh? Did-did he escape from the asylum or something? Did he seriously believe himself to be a God (not even a prophet but an actual God)? Seeing your confusion, he continued on, “The curse of ability users. They plague this Earth, and they need to be eliminated.”

“Why is that? What’s wrong with having abilities? Hellooooo, some people’s abilities are actually pretty cool! If you just have a terrible ability, it’s your problem, not the world-“

“Why not let me show you why it’s indeed a curse?”

“And how would you do that? You must be crazy if you think I’m going anywhere with you. I may be dangerous but I’m not dumb!”

“You poor, misguided soul.”, he tutted at you. “Look at where you have ended up at. These people with these so called “cool abilities” have failed you, have they not? Yet you still idolize them, not believing that they are the reason for your misfortunes. If they were truly your idols, they wouldn’t have left you to fend for yourself, to live among the rats. They left you to rot, do you not see that?”

He was hitting too close to home, he was getting too personal, too close. He didn’t know you at all, you’re a complete stranger to him, but why did his words hold some truth to them?

“Come with me, and I will prove to you first hand why this has to be done.”, he was now physically close to you, staring you deep into your eyes. “It would be such a waste for you to die without knowing the truth, wouldn’t you agree?”

You didn’t have much, he wasn’t wrong. But if he could take you somewhere with real food and not scraps you had to fight to find, and to have real shelter, then fine. You agreed. And if you felt that something was up, you’ll just kill him, run away, or both

After he took you away, he kept to his word. It seemed like he was really was telling the truth, you getting first-hand experience like he promised. It was scary that he was right, but you were also indebted to him. He not only allowed you to live in luxury (at least it was luxury to you considering what you had before), but he opened your eyes to what the true problem is. He gave your life a new purpose. If you two were able to successfully complete his goal, then your problems would be gone forever right? You would finally be able to feel a sense of peace, and you can’t wait till that could happen

You and Fyodor, after he opened your eyes, bonded easier than in the beginning. You were smart enough to not fully trust him after leaving with him, but after just a couple of pulled strings to cause certain things to happen, you slowly melted and molded into the way that he planned. You would be an excellent pawn in his grand plan, and you would do well in keeping him entertained at the same time

You were a joyful child, even when carrying out his dirty work, you did so gleefully. After joining the Rats in the House of the Dead, you tried to spread that joy among the other members. They didn’t find it very amusing, but you didn’t care and neither did Fyodor. You were far too important to let go of now

You were always by him, it seemed. Always in the same space, whether he was planning his next move, and playing the cello, you were always there with this look of awe directed at him. Every time he would catch you staring, he would simply chuckle and softly reprimand you about, “how rude it is to stare, but you simply can’t help it.”

He even taught you how to play the cello!

You sounded terrible but practice makes perfect

As time went on and the end goal seeming to be closing in, he came to see you as more than just an expendable tool. He found out about your past, but simply proved to you once again why you two had to make sure the curse was ridden as soon as possible. No one wanted a repeat of what happened to you to happen to anyone else, so the mission had to be success. Failure was not an option

Fyodor didn’t see himself as a cruel man towards you. He just didn’t mince his words and he made sure that you were dealing with the truth, and not some lie that was attempted to be twisted as reality. If anything, that was the way that he showed that he held some compassion for you, he wasn’t willing to let you be lead astray from the truth again, not while he was here. You had somehow wiggled your way into his mind, where he had been accepting of your close bond, and he took that into consideration

Once his goal is achieved and he has truly made his place known as a God, he’ll make sure that you gain your rightful place among him as well. You were worthy in Fyodor’s eyes, and as long as nothing came in between your bond and the end goal, then everything will work out. He will make sure of that.

[officialleotolstoy]

Oh Dolokhov/Hélène Brainrot We’re Really In It Now, aka Dolokhov/Hélène playlist annotations!

I stole several songs from a playlist my friends have and I’m not gonna put those on this list, I won’t pretend I came up with those

The ship playlists (since they aren’t for canon couples) are very much based on my headcanons. We don’t get to see them interact literally ever so I’ve just extrapolated what I can. Several of these songs are at least alluding to sex, I don’t really think they actually slept together for various reasons I can enumerate if someone asks, but it’s more about the vibes of the song.

Casual Affair - Panic! At The Disco

It’s literally in the title. Bestie how much more explanation do you need? I don’t even like this song but it’s got the right energy

Those Nights - Bastille

“Aren’t we all just looking for a little bit of hope these days? Looking for somebody you can wake up with?”

Being drawn to each other because of mutual loneliness is a Thing in my interpretation of their relationship, and this hits the nail on the head.

But It’s Better If You Do - Panic! At The Disco

“Praying for love and paying in naïveté”

Again, mutual loneliness and desperation for anything resembling love. Also the “isn’t this exactly where you like me” bit fits because they won’t admit to liking each other outside of their weird intimate moments.

Hurricane - Panic! At The Disco

“Drop our anchors in a storm”

The circumstances of their lives arent super fun at the moment so they find refuge in each other but in a very weird kind of unhealthy way! “We are a hurricane” sort of alludes to knowing that you’re causing problems/your relationship isn’t great.

Almost (Sweet Music) - Hozier

“I’m almost me again, she’s almost you”

It’s about not really being In Love but kind of convincing yourself you are because it makes you feel better in the circumstances. I don’t think either of them were fully into their relationship for various reasons. Not as in they didn’t want the other, more that they were both too aware it would never work for long.

Hall & Oates - Satchmode

“I want to be in love again, with you”

This one’s about wanting the idea of love and companionship more than you actually like the other person, which I feel like kind of fits. This song is framed as one person in love with the other and one hesitating, but i think this works for both of them to hesitate.

Feel Something - Jaymes Young

“Touch me, someone, I’m too young to feel so numb”

The I have tried like six times and I can’t word why I think this song works. I don’t even like it, I skip it every time, but I think it’s got something to do with loneliness and desperation for love driving them to look for it in places they wouldn’t normally? Who knows. Send me an ask if u do.

Another Place - Bastille

“Don’t make promises to me that you’re gonna break”

They could never actually be together for SO many reasons and I think they’re both pretty aware of that. They have no desire to pretend that their relationship is anything other than what it is (“we only ever wanted one thing from this”).

When You Were Young - The Killers

“You sit there in your heartache, waiting on some beautiful boy to save you”

I do not think Hélène expected Dolokhkov to save her from anything except maybe monotony and loneliness, but this song slaps and if I can stretch the lyrics to work, I will

broken - lovelytheband

“I could be lonely with you”

Almost every song on here (including this one) is just. We’re messed up and I know we won’t really find love in each other but we might find solace for a while and be less lonely so uhhhhh wanna kiss me or what

Bleed Magic - I DONT KNOW HOW BUT THEY FOUND ME

“You stand up, stand up, before I drag you down”

They are NOT good for each other! Toxic relationships uwu

Sweater Weather - The Neighbourhood

I believe in bi4bi Hélène/Dolokhov

Enemy Fire - Bea Miller

“Sweet words from a serpent’s tongue”

This song is kinda complicated and parts of it don’t fit but the energy of “everything sucks including you but at least we can hide from the suckiness together” is sorta there. Originally I just added it for the soldier vibes because I was testing out songs but I realized i can fit some of the lyrics so on the playlist it goes

Angel of the Small Death and the Codeine Scene - Hozier

“Her sweetened breath and her tongue so mean”

They are horrible and cold to each other as a love language. This song is essentially just “Wow my evil scary gf is so hot” and you’re right Fyodor. She is.

Shut Up and Dance - WALK THE MOON

I won’t lie this one’s mostly a joke, I just think the vibes of telling someone to shut up as (maybe because) you’re falling in love with them is Dolokhov/Hélène energy. Ignore all the parts about wanting to be with her forever and her being his destiny that is not why I added it.

Lone Ranger - Rachel Platten

“I’m just gonna leave, ‘cause baby I’m a lone ranger”

I do not think Dolokhov was intending to stay with her forever at all. Very rude of him. However, she probably also knew it wouldn’t last forever, she’s not stupid.

House of Memories - Panic! At The Disco

“Promise me a place in your house of memories”

This is very much post-duel, their relationship has fizzled out but it was pretty important (do I mean emotionally or to the plot? I’ll never tell) and deserves to be remembered.

American Beauty/American Psycho - Fall Out Boy

“I’m the best worst thing that hasn’t happened to you yet”

SO MANY of these lyrics are so good for them like. Hélène’s beautiful Dolokhov’s a psycho... “you take the full truth and you pour some out” can you imagine them being open and honest with each other? Yeah, me neither. “We were pity sex” They were just sad and lonely! That was what allowed anything to happen at all in my head (not sex but bear with me it’s not my fault those are the lyrics). “All those dirty thoughts of me, they were never yours to keep” because Hélène is married to someone else, they really have no right to think of each other that way.

Sk8er Boi - Avril Lavigne

“He wasn’t good enough for her”

UNIRONICALLY THIS SONG. Hélène’s complaints about Dolokhov staying with them are just the quoted lyric. “They had a problem with his baggy clothes” yeah Dolokhov’s not as rich and bougie and the rest of them and he’s certainly rough around the edges. And then the skater boy ending with a successful music career vs Dolokhov ending with a successful military career and a great reputation and both the women in the songs having sad endings...I’m not wrong.

Headfirst Slide Into Cooperstown On A Bad Bet - Fall Out Boy

“Does your husband know the way that the sunshine gleams from your wedding band?”

The affair vibes. The AFFAIR VIBES. And the concept of “I will never end up like him [the husband]/ behind my back I already am” in reference to using Hélène and deciding he hates her right after deciding she’s hot...okay! I see you kinning Pierre, Dolokhov. You ARE being just like her husband :/

You Give Love A Bad Name - Bon Jovi

“Shot through the heart and you’re to blame”

This is just Dolokhov’s massive I Hate Women monologue condensed. Stop blaming beautiful women for YOUR attraction to them maybe 🔫

Death Valley - Fall Out Boy

“Don’t take love off the table yet”

This is not a table sex joke this is not a table sex joke this is not a table sex joke this is n-

I didnt add it for that reason it was about a vibe but then. I realized. Now the original reason doesn’t even matter.

Nobody Puts Baby In The Corner - Fall Out Boy

“I’ll be your best kept secret and your biggest mistake”

Tell me the quoted lyric does not SCREAM Hélène/Dolokhov. You can’t. Also “I’ll weigh you down I’ll watch you choke/You look so good in blue” really captures hatred as a love language.

This is Love - Air Traffic Controller

Ok I stole this from my friends’ playlist but I did want to explain it because it’s not JUST Dolokhov and Hélène in my mind. The whole jealous fool second verse gives me Pierre around the duel energy as well

Bad Boy - Cascada

“Be my weekend lover but don’t be my friend”

Bernie Sanders voice I am once again asking you to hear me out about the unironic meme songs on my War and Peace character playlists. It’s got the refusal to admit that she actually likes hanging out with him down. The line “after some time you just pushed me aside” referring to Dolokhov teasing Pierre about their affair because he got bored. “I dont need you in my life again”...YEAH I’m fairly sure they dont interact in canon again after that.

Hayloft - Mother Mother

“My daddy’s got a gun”

This song started playing on accident once when I was listening to this playlist and I was like huh. It fits though. The gun thing is twofold: 1) Though he is not her father, Pierre does have a gun in the duel and 2) I think Vassily would happily shoot Dolokhov for his relationships with Vassily’s kids. It’s also just the general forbidden love vibes mixed with the violence vibes.

affection - BETWEEN FRIENDS

“I’m looking for affection in all the wrong places and we’ll keep falling on each other to fill the empty spaces”

Have I been clear enough about my thesis that their relationship is based in mutual loneliness? Also, I like the acknowledgment that this is in fact the wrong place. I think they’re both very aware of that.

Walk Away - Franz Ferdinand

“Yes I’m cold but not as cold as you are”

This song is for them post-duel. Especially the “I cannot stand to see those eyes as apologies may rise/I must be strong, stay an unbeliever” because 1) I hear the word eyes, I think of Dolokhov and 2) I think she’s too smart to believe any apology he would give her, she knows he doesn’t really mean it. The song kinda reads as someone trying to convince themselves they’re happy that the relationship is over, which I think is definitely what happens for both of them.

Van Horn - Saint Motel

“Tell me do you hate me? Or do you wanna date me?”

Obsessed with the dynamic of “I like you but that’s embarrassing for both of us I’m gonna act like I hate you instead”

[diagonal-queen]

No worries HHH I'm the one who requested 😭😭 the Sibling one,,maybe Dazai's sibling with Fyodor and Chuuya??

hi! of course i can do this for you <3

They find out you're Dazai's sibling

♡ pairing: Chuuya Nakahara, Fyodor Dostoyevsky x Dazai's sibling!gn!Reader

♡ synopsis: How do Dazai's (arguably) biggest homoerotic enemies react when they find out that their S/O is his sibling?

♡ cw: Mentions of violence, Fyodor is a lil toxic.

note: Imagine reader seeing their brother and Fyodor in prison talking in code and they're like...you can speak Chinese Osamui?? Apologies for errors, hope you enjoy x

Chuuya:

So...he's...not okay for a while. He speedruns the five stages of grief in like two hours and then immediately begins quizzing you lmao

He's mostly just shocked because he would never have anticipated it. If he'd known he'd have already began treating you differently /j

Chuuya is probably constantly mentally comparing you two, like 'oh my god Dazai's so much more insufferable than them' and wondering how you two have such different energy

Also constantly asking you questions about how you deal with him (assuming you're on good terms/see each other often) and makes a lot of sarcastic remarks about it probably

You two like to spend designated times planning ways to break it to Dazai that you're together, but unfortunately this never gets anywhere because he's gonna burst a blood vessel no matter how you tell him lol

You both have semi-regular Dazai-related complaining sessions and they can literally sometimes go on for hours

Sometimes you tell him stories of when you and Dazai were younger and he actually finds them really endearing and funny

Even though Chuuya can't stand Dazai he would never discourage you from maintaining a good relationship with him if that's what you want. In fact he might even try to be civil with Dazai sometimes, just for your sake though <3

Fyodor:

So he mostly just wants to know all of Dazai's secrets. Jokes on you Dostoy- reader doesn't know any of them either!

He's also rather surprised he hadn't figured it out sooner either. He asks you why you didn't tell him and you're like...'babe 😐'

Fyodor still loves you. He gets that you don't choose family, but at the same time he's a tiiiiiiiiiny bit concerned that you might betray him so he doesn't tell you any super important DOA stuff (though if you're dating Fyodor you and Dazai probably aren't that close anyway)

You both agree to just not let Dazai know about this arrangement no questions asked (at least for the time being). He'll probably figure it out on his own but at least you didn't have to break the news yourself!

If Dazai ever did find out and get upset, Fyodor might even reverse uno the trope of 'big brother who threatens sibling's partner' and threaten Dazai himself lmao

If you manage to persuade him (or nag him enough), Fyodor MIGHT just be a teensy bit less sadistic towards Dazai. MAYBE.

That being said he isn't lenient like Chuuya and would prefer if you actively chose him over Dazai

Can he get over it? Ultimately yes he can, but is he secretly very highly disturbed by such information? Yes. Wait for it to hit him that if you two get married then he and Dazai are brothers-in-law...

[infjsnightmare]

Finding God: Chapter 4

A/N: This is another shorter chapter and I'm not suuuuper happy with how it turned out, so I might redo it later sometime. It also might just be me struggling to write from Fyodor's POV because, y'know, he is who he is. Still, even if this chapter isn't so good, thank you for taking the time to read it and I hope I can be better for you next week! 😁

A slight sway to the left. A slight sway to the right. Then back again. Ceaselessly. He was on a ship of some kind out at sea. Of that much, Fyodor was certain. He'd been adequately "captured" and this cell, tied to a chair, is where they'd decided to hold him. Too bad for them, as he'd already set his plan in motion long before they could have even comprehended it. They came for him in the early hours of the morning, around 1AM or so. Fyodor bit back the slight smile that rose out of him, remembering the half-assed "attempt" he made to fight back. If you let them believe that they've accomplished a task by their own power alone, people are so readily willing to dispel any of their own doubts. The parts of humanity he detested were also the parts that made it so easy for his plans to come to fruition. The irony wasn't lost on him. Inky black hair fell to his shoulder blades as he allowed his head to fall back, staring at the ceiling. It must be late morning by now. She'd likely be up and on her way to pick up the delivery if she hadn't already. He would never admit it to her, but as much as he trusted her and as competent as she may be, he greatly disliked leaving any plans in someone else's hands. His beliefs, his plans, his faith, were the greatest treasure he had. More important than his life, or hers, or anyone else's and relinquishing control, even for a moment, was a decision he did not come to lightly. But, if I'm going to play chess with him, my queen will need to be active on the board. The gentle swaying of the boat relaxed him as he closed his eyes in thought, excited and anticipating the next moves in the game.

She watched intently as Dazai and the younger boy beside him conversed. As long as they were here, there was no way for her to receive whatever delivery Fyodor expected of her. Why? Why is he here, in Yokohama? I thought he was running from this place? A frown etched itself onto her face as she glanced from behind the warehouse. She saw dark hair tousle in the breeze as his head turned in her direction. Fingering the gun on her left holster, she pulled her head back behind the wall, praying that the man hadn't seen her. She held her jaw rigid, as she tightened her grip on her weapon, waiting for the faint sound of footsteps. But, they never came. And by the time she went to peer around the corner again, the two men were out of sight. She let out the breath that she had been holding, keeping her posture alert as she headed inside the warehouse. Keeping abreast of her surroundings, her gaze fell over every object in the warehouse before entering completely. It must have been at least 30 minutes of reading the packing slips on different boxes before coming across one larger wooden crate addressed to Fyodor. And it was heavy. She figured it would probably be easier transporting the packaged items as opposed to the crate as a whole. The extra weight of the wood would likely slow her down. Taking her gun, she shot the lock off before opening the crate. And there she saw it. Fyodor's cello, packed neatly in it's case and surrounded by packing peanuts. Her brow twitched in irritation while she felt the muscles in her body tense in her annoyance. He sent her all the way out here for... this?

He could picture her face. The grimace she would certainly be displaying. The way her body would tighten but never leave her soldier-like stance. And it pleased him to know that even without being there, he would still have an effect on her. Something only he could do to her. Every emotion, every feeling of hers belonged to him and no one else. He hated admitting it, but sometimes the power trip it gave him made him feel like he was floating. He was well aware that this wasn't the proper way to value and love someone, and he made his best efforts to quell that part of him when it came to her. But, if she had this effect on him, then it's only fair that he allows himself these small victories over her. His thoughts were slowly interrupted by the faraway footsteps he heard. Pulling his head forward, he regarded the young red-haired boy who must have come here out of curiosity. But, curiosity often kills the cat, does it not? Fyodor was lazily amused by the gesture. The boy was clearly an underling serving Ace, and it was doubtful that he'd been asked to come here. This was likely some small form of rebellion on the boy's part. Breaking a rule that was understood but never spoken. Claiming ignorance if he were to be caught. Ah, but I suppose they are all already caught. Cats killed for their curiosity and lack of forethought to get a mousetrap.

[erikthedead]

entry #4

Started reading FYODOR DOSTOYEVSKY’s ‘Notes from the Underground,’ and I just got into the second half of him rambling and reflecting on his behaviour in detail. I never would have thought a Russian man from the 19th century would make me feel a little bit less alone in this world (or at least the ‘character’ delivering the narrative). Yet the more I read about what goes on in peoples’ heads the less insane I feel, or at least comforted by realising that everyone is a little bit insane, as long as they’re being honest. Should that be comforting? I feel like that should actually be disturbing, but I kinda like being disturbed. The bit that struck me to get writing about myself was how he recurringly mentions this need to be seen and heard and be a noble member of society, but flip flops between that and a state of isolating himself and being a recluse, ashamed by how his own face looks. I hope I’m interpreting it right, as I’m not so sure I’m smart enough to fully understand everything the man was trying to convey. The whole thing reads as him trying to make sense of himself, if anything. But if I am right in that, I can totally relate, and it causes me much distress as it seemed to have tormented him too.  His way was to throw himself into busy streets and bars, never feeling comfortable with it from what I’ve read, and possibly did it on purpose to feel uncomfortable, because he was getting bored with the current discomfort of isolating himself in his room with his books. That’s the interesting thing about it, he never once says he ‘leaves the comfort’ of his own home, like you’ll hear many well-adjusted introverts say. People who are content on their own. He obviously wasn’t content, he was bored, sick of his own brain, he tells us how he would break down into tearful fits from some sort of mental anguish that he tried to escape from through consumption of literature. I do exactly the same thing with media of all kinds, not because I ENJOY spending time with myself and my things, but because it helps me COPE with it. I am so envious of consistently introverted people who relish in their alone time. That SHOULD BE ME. All the same, it annoys me to death when someone complains about being ‘stuck in the house’ all day when they want to go out and mingle and see the world, because that is too exhausting a thing to wish for compared to creature comforts and solitude, surely. Both of them irritate me because I’m jealous of their seemingly consistent understanding of themselves, their desires and what makes them content on a regular, general basis. I’ve been trying to hard to figure out my own. I’m twenty-six now, yet I still feel juvenile as hell. I still feel like a child that goes up to the next thing that catches its eye and wants to ask, ‘can I have a go?’ And of course, to an innocent child, you let them have a go, without any expectations. You don’t get that luxury as an adult. You are expected to choose, commit, KNOW what you want. But again, I can’t help but think this isn’t me being special, that everyone probably feels this way, you certainly hear it from a lot of old people who humbly state that they are still always learning and discovering new things. Then again maybe they miss the point. Discovering things is fine, all the time. Learning is appreciated and encouraged. But actually changing or choosing not to change (both can be bad, right?), that is unsettling. We’ve given up good and evil for behaviourism and yet still people like me, Fyodor and to name a few other people I relate to when I read their autobiographies, Russell Brand, Stephen Fry, Steve-O (oh yes I compare myself to the greats, in all my unheard mighty feats), people like us can’t even get that right. Creative, expressive, bipolar people. People with big heads and sensitive souls, I’d say. Although I connect deeply to people like this I’d never want to be around them for too long. I know their torment and quite frankly my own is enough to contend with. There is a feeling of ‘pay attention to me but leave me alone.’ ‘Love me more than anything but don’t care too much about me because I’m bound to hurt you or make a fool of myself.’ Actually, in Notes from the Underground, Fyodor talks about man’s unconscious desire to smash up something he has been building, because he is unconsciously terrified of what to do what he has completed it, and Brand actually mentions this quite a bit in his Bookywooks. How he’d personally reach a level of fame and notoriety but then sabotage it, fearing the peak or what comes after – the come down. I hope I’ve interpreted these guys correctly, because it does make sense to me. The only thing that really sets me aside from these guys is my utter lack of ambition. At least in these peoples’ hypomanic states they were achieving something. What do I do? I’m the classic, slightly mentally ill underachiever that never sticks to anything. The sheer magnitude of my unconscientiousness could be used as an example of how not to be during a Jordan Peterson lecture. My downfalls were not self-sabotages, conscious or unconscious for the first half of my life. The rest you can blame on me, that’s fair enough, but puberty hit me early and like a train, and all that meant was I was spotty and got a bullied a bit, but that didn’t excuse me from performing well in my exams and essays. I was predicted to come out with some of the top grades in the whole school. I even started finding my confidence and standing up for myself to bullies after a few years adjusting to adolescence. Then my mother died suddenly one night from an overdose when I was fourteen, and my whole world flipped upside down. Like an anime main character backstory right there. It wasn’t perfect beforehand, anyone who knows my whole childhood situation will agree, but I had a bloody good chance up until she died. After that, I became nihilistic, rebellious, promiscuous and generally self-destructive. ‘How would your mother feel if she could see you now? She wouldn’t have wanted this.’ Oh how I wish I slapped anyone that said this to me. How dare they even try to assume what she would have wanted, having never known her. Of course, I said it to myself all the time, I still do sometimes, but I have that right. The rest of you don’t. Hah, rights. What a joke, even as I try to be dominant through typing to imaginary figments of the past and the future, I’m not even convincing myself.

The inconsistency, of my desires, my attitudes, my cognitions, my emotions and ultimately my behaviour is what pains me. I would rather be a complete abolition that was sure in himself than be like this. What’s even more frustrating is that it’s not that uncommon for people to be like me in that sense, but they just go with the flow with it, seemingly unaware of their inconsistency, and become incredibly defensive when you point it out. It’s understandable, I get defensive with myself, which could be an early sign of schizophrenia, who knows, time will tell. At the moment though I am without doubt an anxious, depressive, inconsistent muddled mess of a person, and even the HOPE for my future self comes and goes in powerful forms. I have the grandiose fantasies of being interviewed by people because I’m just that interesting and my achievements are that remarkable, and I also have the sheer terror while preparing to talk to the shop assistant when I’m buying something. Oh yeah, buying things, that’s a tricky one for me an’ all! The trick with me is not to give me too much choice, because if I have I will never decide, or I will make a silly last minute decision or pick the third thing after debating with myself for ten minutes between choosing from the first and the second. Not only indecisiveness, but impulsiveness plagues me. Not just buying things I don’t need, or don’t even want yet because I haven’t finished the last thing, but even charitably so. I saw a stranger E-begging by chance and decided to send him money. I have no idea why. Am I just a good person? I don’t have enough money for myself, and even if I do have some to spare, that should go to others who have helped me financially before a stranger on the internet. Maybe I’m not a good person, and I just did it to cleanse myself of some feeling of shame or guilt for wasting money on myself. As well as the positive fantasies of my future where I am destined to greatness through nothing other than my own conviction and virtues, I have the other vision in the crystal ball that shows myself destitute and addicted to hard drugs, homeless or institutionalised, ultimately suicided. Addiction and suicide run through my veins afterall, and I’ve been close to becoming the 3rd generation of my bloodline to go out by my own hand. The decently sized scar on my arm from a self-inflicted slash that was intended for my neck, that nearly severed my nerves and would have left me with a malfunctioning left hand had I gone any deeper. Sometimes I look at it and feel ashamed for doing it, for trying to throw away my beautiful, special life, and other times I look at it and feel ashamed for missing my real target, my consciousness. I battle with my consciousness a lot, I try to minimise it through drink and drugs or healthy mental exercises, distract it with my media, sublimate it through writing and drawing, but rarely do I get peace from it. Then other times, I count my blessings and praise the universe for bestowing onto me just the ability to think and feel and be a person. Neither approach to life is crazy to me, what’s crazy to me is not being able to bloody pick one and settle on it for more than a couple of days at a time. Like Fyodor describes his character going out into a busy bustling area in his urges to be part of society after a stint of isolation, I will go out some weekends and do the same, but that’s only a more recent, probably more healthy advance in my development than what I have been doing for a long time which is going online to provoke and debate people with my thoughts and opinions, and sometimes cheeky insults. I really resent when people who know me call it ‘trolling’ when I go off on these episodes. Trolling to me is when you put something out there that you don’t actually stand by, but you know will get a reaction out of people because you’re bored and want to mess with people. Now fair enough, there’s a lot to be said for that last part, but I have no reason to say things I don’t really think/feel/believe when the things I say genuinely are enough to upset people on their own, things I sincerely believe are correct. I’ll feel ever so right and convicted during these online tirades, then the next day want to delete all my social media and wipe my name from the planetary database. Perhaps I could just delete my existence while I’m at it. Seems like my self-doubt and my self-assuredness play equal part in my misery, because like everything else, I can’t choose one. The same happens if I go out and meet new people on the weekend, I’ll exchange numbers and add people with all intention of meeting up in the future, only to ghost them afterwards. I don’t know why.