#and because of that everything is perfect and why would you imagine anything as imperfect?

[adragonsfriend]

Use this one trick to instantly fix all childhood trauma (Jedi Masters don’t want you to know this)!!!!!

That is what every “if Obi-Wan had just— *adds one extra scene to canon* —then Anakin would’ve had perfect mental health and never listened to Palpatine at all,” sounds like to me. Look I am not an expert on any kind of psychology at all let alone early childhood development but,

It is possible to do your very best to help or raise someone and still have bad or imperfect outcomes, especially when you have someone actively, secretly working against you (cough cough Sith Lord of the month cough), (for many reasons, but in this case particularly), because unravelling the mindset built in early childhood is hard, actually.

Coming at this from the “raised in a safe and loving environment” side of things, it took me years to figure out and internalize that my friends whose parents weren’t as great as mine were functioning in an entirely different landscape when it came to their interactions with adults.

Many years ago when I was in middle school a friend (acquaintance? idk I think most people thought I was annoying) told me that her ankle kept giving out and causing her pain. I asked if she'd told her parents so she could rest or go to the doctor. She told me she had, but her mother either hadn't listened or refused to help. My (approximate) responses?

"So it's not actually that bad then?"

"You should tell her again."

"Are you sure you explained it right?"

The only explanation I could comprehend at the time was that there must have been some unclear communication about the situation or its severity--if her mother had understood she was in pain, she couldn't possibly have just not done anything about it? Adults are responsible, caring, etcetera! They wouldn't do that?!

With more experience, I've come to understand better, and learned to respond in kinder, more helpful ways, but the shift in mindset was not and is not intuitive.

And I had the luxury of figuring all that out whilst being safe myself. Coming from the other direction, being in danger and trying to figure out why other people act like the world is safe? I can't say for sure, but I imagine it’s a lot more complicated.

Point with regard to Star Wars being, it really is harder for Anakin, coming in later, to acclimate to the Jedi ways and thought processes than it is for his peers who grew up in the safe environment of the Temple. And whatever arguments people want to have about how much psychology and therapy exist in the Star Wars universe, or how much “Jedi just do cognitive behavioral therapy” (not totally inaccurate, but reductive on several levels), no matter what the answers to those questions, it will still be harder for Anakin.

There is a reason the council changes its mind on training him only after he is suddenly famous and the Sith are proven to be back. When Anakin was not in significant danger of being snatched up by someone else, it was genuinely probably the easier and safer option—for him and everyone else—for him to live a different life.

The Jedi are not necessarily fully prepared for a child with Anakin's history, and, there is nothing bad about living an ordinary life. Anakin would not have been somehow unforgivably robbed by living life as a mechanic or an engineer or something, rather than being a Jedi.

Anakin is a victim of many things in his life—Sidious, Watto, Gardulla, Tatooine’s everything, his own conscious choices—but he is not a victim of malice, incompetence, or idiocy by the Jedi just because they couldn't—in only a decade or so—help him fully and perfectly unravel the mindset he developed in his early childhood. If there was any lack of qualification on their part, it was one they were aware of—but which was outweighed by the danger of little Anakin getting kidnapped out of normal-kid elementary school.

Being brought up in and around slavery absolutely made him more vulnerable to Sidous and became the basis of their dynamic as master and apprentice. Acting like the trauma that affects his mindset and actions for his entire life can be obliterated just by making minimal changes to the plot is wild to me.

And don’t get me wrong, fics and headcanons can do whatever they want, not everyone wants or is trying to write a deep psychological character study (also fanfic and even fiction in general cannot and should not be held to any standard of realism if it's not serving the story and the author)—simple fix-it’s (my love) are fun and an excellent short-cut to other things like happiness and fluff (my other loves)—but don’t act serious about the idea that adding one conversation about his feelings or one extra explanation about Jedi philosophy would automatically lead to Anakin having perfect mental health outcomes and always making good decisions.

Disclaimer (if the ones throughout weren't enough) : please go forth and do whatever you want. the moral of this post is actually just that (1) you won’t convince me, (2) I wanted to talk about this, (3) the clickbait title was too funny not to post, (4) i literally can't open my mouth without phrasing things like i'm in the middle of a heated debate, and (5) i continue to not be an expert in early childhood development—my evidence is very literally anecdotal

[coulsons-fullmetal-cellist]

Your Vampire: Chapter Seven

You Were Meant for Me

(Max Phillips x f!reader)

Words: 1, 407

Summary: Max finally admits his love to you, but how will you respond?

Warnings: things will get a little steamy in this chapter! no y/n, reader has nickname Garland

Check out masterlist here

“I love you,” exclaimed Max. “And you’re my soulmate.”

“What?”

“Well, I was going to say blood-mate, but that word is stupid as you say and…”

“Max you’re rambling.”

“Sorry,” he ran his hand over his face. “Legend says that when a vampire finds their blood- their soulmate, their blood will smell of roses and their blood will taste of honey.”

“So all those times you said I’ve smelled of roses?”

“It’s been true.”

You had to take a seat; the breath had gone from your lungs. “This whole time and you never said anything. Why?”

“Because you’re perfection and I’m a stubborn asshole who thinks he’d never had a chance.”

“Didn’t you think to ask?”

“I wanted to, but I got scared. Better to never know than be rejected right?” he laughed but he knew it was hopeless. “I lost my chance all those years ago and figured I’d never see you again. But then we found each other, and I could smell roses so that just confirmed what I always knew.”

You just sat there in silence, listening to this man spill his heart out.

“I need a moment alone.”

Shutting the bedroom door behind you, Max was left standing there unsure of what to do. Starting any activity seemed pointless so he felt the only appropriate course of action was to lie on the couch feeling sad with himself. As soon as he lay there, the bedroom door opened.

“Okay, I’ve had a moment,” you declared, making Max immediately stood up like he was never lying down in the first place.

Sitting down, you turned to him. “Yes Max, you were a coward. A big cowardly lion. As cowardly as a cowardly lion could ever be cowardly.”

“Yeah, I get that.”

“And I love you,” if he had any breath, it would have stopped. “It took me a while to realise that, but I love you Max Phillips. That has been easier to say to you than it has ever been to say to Jacob.”

“I don’t want to talk about him.”

“Me neither. You can kiss me instead.”

“What?”

“I really want you to kiss me Max.”

After a moment’s hesitation, he kissed you.

If this was one of the many movie musicals you watched, this would be the moment when the orchestra would play the most romantic music possible, the kiss was that amazing. If he wasn’t holding you up, you would have done a Wicked Witch of the West and melted.

“That was the best kiss ever,” you said.

“Do you want another one?”

“Yes.”

The next kiss was more passionate than the first and soon hands were searching for each other.

“I should, I should,” he managed to tear his lips away from yours. “I should be a gentleman and suggest we take it slow.”

“Max, we’ve been friends for years. We know each other’s darkest secrets. I think taking it slow is a dumb idea.”

“I completely agree.”

“I want to rip your clothes off.”

“And ruin this five-hundred-dollar suit?” he saw the pure lust in your eyes. “But I can get undressed very quickly. Now, should we move this to the bedroom?”

“Should we?”

“I didn’t get a four-poster bed for nothing.”

“I knew it!”

Max did undress very quickly; he was down to his underwear before you could even think of removing anything of yours. You looked at his perfect body and you got nervous how he’d feel about seeing the scar across your stomach along with every other imperfection. But he took one look at you a said, “You’re fucking perfection!”

And he made you feel that. It was everything you imagined it would be. It was perfect. It was…

“Wow.”

“Wow?”

“It’s never been wow before.”

The euphoria washed over the both of you and you lay there sweaty and happy.

Reaching out to your bedside table, you grabbed your water bottle and took the biggest gulp followed by another. You looked over at Max and held out your wrist.

“Are you offering?” he asked, and you nodded.

He gently took your arm. He kissed it before taking a tiny bite. The sting was more pleasant than anything and waves of pleasure coursed up your arm to the rest of your body.

Max only took a tiny sip, but it was enough to send him over the edge.

“Oh, wow!”

“I taste of honey?”

“You taste exquisite!”

It seemed like lightning went through his body. His toes curled, then he turned to you, lust in his eyes. “Would you object to round two?”

“I wouldn’t say no, only if you don’t mind,” you looked down. “Clearly you don’t.”

He made love to you twice more after that. Sometime after you had fallen asleep in his arms, you sensed that he left during the early hours. The next time you opened your eyes; you were back in Max’s arms.

“Good morning, good morning,” he gently sang. “It’s great to stay up late. Good morning, good morning to you!”

“No,” you sleepily pushed his face away. “Don’t wake me up that way.”

“Okay, how about waking you up this way?” he gently moved you so he could run his lips down your neck.

“Didn’t you go underground?”

“For a few hours.”

“A few hours? Wait, what time is it?” you found your phone and noticed the time. “Jiminy Crickets, it’s nearly midday! We are so late for work!”

“Relax,” he pulled you close. “It’s Friday, we’re taking a long weekend.”

“But my vacation days.”

He kissed away your worries, “You have them back.”

“I do?”

“With extra,” you stared in confusion. “I know you’ve secretly been working overtime. Even when you got sick, you didn’t take any time off, so you deserve all the vacation time.”

You couldn’t help but smile. “I do believe I’m falling in love with you, Max Phillips.”

“You know,” said Max. “When you’re smiling, it’s so delicious, so beguiling. You’re the answer to my wishes.”

“Do you just quote Chitty Chitty Bang Bang to me?”

“Well, you are truly scrumptious,”

“Max, I’m hungry.”

“So am I.”

“No, I’m hungry for actual food,” you pushed him off your neck. “Because I’m an actual human, actually.”

“Fine, I’ll make you something.”

“I can do that.”

“Oh no, my delicious darling, you are not leaving this bed,” he kissed you deeply, then got out and put on his underwear. “Well, after the crazy stuff we did yesterday, you won’t be able to.”

*****

Apart from breaks to eat or sleep, the long weekend was spent in a hedonistic fashion.

A hunger had been unleashed deep within you and Max could satisfy that hunger. The two of you could barely get enough of each other. He had the strength of ten men and could easily crush a human with one hand, but he was so gentle with you. He could easily hold you up against whatever surface the two of you had decided on. The open planning made it easy for you to move about.

When you weren’t trying to breathe, the only words you said were “Max,” “Yes” and variations of “Oh”. Max didn’t need air to breathe, only to speak, so he would whisper sweet things into your ear, sending you further into euphoria.

Vampires also don’t sweat and stay cool so you would lay against him in a sweaty heap after every time he sent you over the edge of passion.

“Is there anywhere we haven’t had sex?” he asked as you were both on the luxurious shag rug in the middle of the house.

You lazily lifted your head enough, “Um, that corner over there. And over there.”

“The spiral staircase?”

“And the up there part,” you lazily pointed.

“Where my suits are? That’s also where my floor to ceiling mirrors are. Yes, we are doing that next time.”

“Next time?”

“My darling, I may be a vampire, but I am exhausted!”

“Are you too exhausted to carry me back to bed?”

“Never!”

He managed to carry you back to bed as best he could as a tired vampire could. Sleep was calling the both of you, but he still couldn’t get enough.

“Max, no,” you gently pushed him away. “We have work tomorrow.”

He pouted and whined adorably. “We’re going to work,” you said firmly.

“Fine, but I like this bossy side of you.”

You didn’t imagine the forehead kiss this time.

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Lovingly tagging @chaithetics @cevans-is-classic @galaxyedging @letsgobarbs @peepawispunk @missladym1981 @kirsteng42 @o-sacra-virgo-laudes-tibi @ericamarie093 @yorksgirl @popcornforone @allthe-ships @clowncummiess @permanentlydizzy @readingiskeepingmegoing @elegantduckturtle @ellenmunn

[kale-of-the-forbidden-cities]

Just thinking about Fitz and Keefe. They're both so jealous of each other. It spiraled into more and more talking about fitz and vacker imperfections and stuff, enjoy :>

(I rambled out the draft on discord, but I did change a few things and add on a bit at the end, so if you feel like rereading it might make more sense now)

tw: breif mentions of ed, suicidal thoughts, and implied sh, but they're all like very brief and not descriptive just want to put a warning

Remember in Flashback when Sophie and Fitz were going all Fitzphie on Keefe's mind, and they found the memory of Alden telling Keefe he was proud?

Imagine it hurt so bad for Fitz when he watched that. Because Alden never says that to Fitz even when he came out on top, no matter how perfect he was, so why did Keefe get that kind of praise?

Keefe may have come out second to Fitz with Foxfire grades, but Fitz has always felt second to Keefe in everything. No matter how perfect he tries to be or how much of a people pleaser he is, it seems inevitable that everyone likes Keefe better anyway.

And how could they not? He's funny, he's messy, he's imperfect.

Fitz could never be like keefe. His family would hate him. But they still like Keefe better.

Alvar always liked Keefe better than his actual little brother. Even though Fitz looked up to Alvar more than anyone! He admitted that in Neverseen!

Alden told Keefe he was proud of him?? for coming in second? Even after all the studying and work Fitz put into being first, being top, being perfect, people always choose keefe, Which is one of the reasons Fitz was so insecure about Sophie spending a lot of time with Keefe while she and Fitz were dating, he was scared she was going to leave him for Keefe, like people always do, because he's just better. he's nicer, he doesn't lash out at people, he doesn't have as much pressure on him because he never cared about pleasing his parents.

AND SHE DID! Sophie did leave him for Keefe. Even though Fitz promised to take things at her pace. Even though he said he'd wait. But it was the match lists that ended up breaking them apart. But what was Fitz supposed to do?? Not care about the match? There had never been a Vacker bad match, and Fitz beign the first one, after everything Alvar did and how much all the Vackers already hate these five in particular, it would bring a whole new level of shame on the family. Not just him, but Biana and Alden and Della too.

Keefe is allowed to not care about this stuff, because he's not perfect. Fitz is so, so, so jealous of Keefe because he GETS TO BE IMPERFECT. HE'S ALLOWED TO MAKE MISTAKES. He's allowed to feel things.

Keefe's parents are awful, Fitz's parents are fine. Anytime Fitz dares to think "hey maybe my parents are manipulating or using me or putting unrealistic expectations on me" he also remembers that he has it GOOD. He's so lucky compared to everyone else. So he has no right to be upset about anything.

In Flashback, Fitz actually says something like this to Sophie: Sophie had to grow up with humans, Keefe has his whole thing with his parents, Dex was bullied for being the son of a bad match, Tam and Linh were banished… so he's had it easy! He has no right to feel sad when his life is just. so. perfect.

And the thing is, everyone thinks his life is perfect. Especially Keefe! Keefe is always talking about how the Vackers are perfect and lucky and he wishes he was one, when inside, Fitz would secretly rather be Keefe. Even with the whole everything with his parents, at least he doesnt have to be perfect! At least he's allowed to disappoint his parents, because theyre bad parents! And people always like him more. Without fail, Fitz has always felt second to Keefe. Every time he thinks he did good, people go to keefe for being imperfect.

Why did keefe get Alden's praise when he came out second in the level? Fitz barely slept to make sure he came out on top! If Fitz had gotten 98/100, he wouldn't be yelled at, but he'd get a disappointed talk. Why is it different with Keefe, who isnt even Alden's son, why does Alden like him more?

So Fitz ends up spiraling and obsessing more and more.

He can't be imperfect like Keefe, he wouldnt dare. So he does what he can to be as perfect as possible. Maybe he just needs to get a hold on his temper. Wait till he's behind closed doors to do anything but smile. Maybe he needs to eat less, get a perfect number on the scale. Maybe then he'll be good enough.

But he's never good enough.

Nothing he does will ever be good enough.

Keefe is reckless, imperfect, and messy. but even though Fitz does his best to not step a toe out of line, he does everything he can to be perfect...... They keep picking Keefe. without fail, no matter what.

Fitz knows he shohld accept defeat, accept that he'll never be good enough for anyone because of everything he's done to try to be perfect, but he can't stop trying.

He'll keep pushing himself, he'll stay up for hours studying, looking for clues about the Neverseen, going through Alvar's old room, he'll do ANYTHING for someone to say theyre proud of him. For someone to tell him that he did good, for once in his life, but they never notice.

It's never "Wow, you've been working so hard, good job!" or "You look good, did you lose weight?" or "Thanks for helping out, thanks for at least trying"

EVEN THOUGH HE DOES NOTHING BUT TRY. HE'S TRYING SO HARD

Instead, people are saying things like "You look awful, you've got bags under your eyes" (maybe he should put on some makeup to hide that) or "You never join us for dinner, it's like you hate us" (he does. he secretly hates his family so much) or "You've gotten so distant that you're ruining all your relationships with your friends and family" (what else is he supposed to do? they dont like him anyway)

He's driving himself insane over being perfect, only to have people like Sophie say that he's "too perfect." HE JUST CANT WIN!

He's not allowed to make mistakes, but maybe the worst mistake he made was being too perfect!

But how does he stop?

He can't. he trapped himself here. He's convinced he brought this on himself, but he cant get out of this cycle,

And nobody else will get him out,

Because he's not perfect enough.

If they havent noticed his struggling, maybe they dont care enough. But Fitz has gotten so good at hiding it. Nobody will notice until he passes out in the hall or just fucking kills himself because it's too much.

Fitz thinks, why is it that Keefe's allowed to be open about hating himself, and yet as soon as he makes the slightest self deprecating comment, he's suddenly "being dramatic" or "looking for attention"?

And we're back to talking about Keefe again.

None of this is Keefe's fault but he will still feel so so guilty. He felt Fitz's jealousy and hurt when they watched the memory of Alden saying he's proud of him.

Keefe and Fitz are constantly comparing themselves to each other, but by the end of the story, Keefe will be getting the help and support he needs to move on from it. Fitz never showed it and wouldnt dare admit it. So he does not.

Alden and Cassius both seem to prefer the other's son.

Even with Fitz and Biana. There's still a bit of jealousy there, because Biana is starting to seperate herself from her family, and start her own "Vacker Legacy," whatever that means.

After Nightfall, biana has grown more comfortable with herself, she is challenging what it means to be a Vacker, realizing that their family isn't all it's claimed to be. She has no shame in being her fun confident self, and crying when she needs to, and showing off her scars, while if Fitz showed his scars, he'd probably end up in a psych ward or something (or at the very least getting yelled at).

Fitz is jealous of Biana almost as much as he's jealous of keefe. She's never been quite perfect either, but it's always in a good way, isn't it? she's managed to keep her friends (not including the earlier books) and she used to be a bit of a jerk to people, so people can look back and see how far she's come.

Fitz has only gotten worse over the years, and he knows it. he hears what people say in the halls. their whispers hardly hide it. He's presented himself the way he wanted to be - perfect. But it gets harder and harder to hide his imperfections, and people only notice the bad things, don't they? They don't worry, they only judge.

Biana's probably dealing with her own issues, as everyone in the Vacker family does, but she can be more honest about it. She's starting to break the habit of plastering on a smile and saying everything's fine. She's working on her relationship with people. She's like reverse Fitz.

Fitz fears he's going down a similar path of destruction to Alvar, but he counters those fears by being Alden's perfect golden boy like he was always supposed to be. Alden has such a hold on Fitz, he'd do anything for him if Alden worded it right. Ever since he was a kid he always knew he'd do anything to please his parents, even if it was potentially dangerous. But nobody has seemed to even bat an eye when they hear how young Fitz was when he went to the Forbidden Cities. So he must be overreacting, right? Because how could Fitz's childhood be anything less than perfect?

See, when Sophie started learning a little bit about Fitz's past and how things were actually not perfect in the Vacker house, she started to ignore him more and more. She had her other reasons, but to Fitz, it seemed like she was seeing how imperfect he really was, and he's not everything she hoped for. So he panics, and does his best to prove to her that he is the perfect boyfriend she wanted, but it didn't matter anyway because... she. liked. Keefe. better.

And Fitz hates himself so much for wishing he was keefe because Keefe has it so bad with the legacy thing, he hates how he wishes his parents were worse so he didn't feel so guilty every time he made a mistake that would disappoint them.

Not one person in Fitz's life has ever chosen him first. With everyone. There's always someone they love more.

Della loves Biana more, Biana chooses her friends, Sophie chose Keefe, Keefe chose Sophie.

Alden seemed to favor Keefe, or his work, or even just the ways he uses Fitz instead of loving him as his son or as a person. Maybe that's why Fitz is so desperate to listen to Alden, to please him, because he's the only person who seems to even care, even if he only cares when he's doing good or being perfect.

Alvar would choose Biana or Keefe over Fitz any day, even before the betrayal. Fitz still looked up to him, despite his vague dislike for Fitz. He likes Biana better because he thinks she'd understand better what the Vacker legacy is, Because FITZ IS PART OF IT. HE'S ADDING ONTO IT, WHATEVER IT IS!

Yep that's all I have, feel free to add your own ideas :3

tags:

@fitz-avery-vacker @autistic-daydreamer

[wo-mary]

Letter from the Abyss

«Oh, Louis.

How many years have passed since you killed me? How many years have passed since the poison coursed through my veins while you gazed at me with loving yet distant eyes, unaware of what you were doing? How many years since you embraced me from behind while I sat with my throat slit, drowning in my own blood? How many years since your heart shattered from killing the one you loved?

I was slowly and agonizingly dying an impossible vampire death. Every cell of my body, every fragment of my soul, was pierced by unbearable pain. And all I could feel was how I sank into your strong arms, descending into the inescapable darkness. At least, I was grateful that it was you who did it, and not someone else.

Did you at least believe that I loved you, mon cher?

You didn’t think I was perfect, but you felt that I was a lot. But I couldn't help my love, and from the lack of yours, I made sure we both drowned in my bottomless, soul-crushing love together.

You didn’t think I was sane and saw me as a bloodthirsty, unbalanced killer. But that was my language of love — hysteria, tears, abuse, demands, and keeping you in an iron grip. Every time you tried to get close to someone else, I nearly turned myself inside out. I wanted to vomit. I wanted to destroy everything around me. So I destroyed everything around you.

You didn’t think we were meant for each other, but I saw in our impossible love the most sincere and genuine thing. Yes, it was built on your suffering, on your immense black void, which gradually consumed me too.

You didn’t believe I was faithful to you, and only saw my betrayals. But they weren’t infidelities; they were weak, miserable attempts to get your attention, to stir strong feelings in you, to make you love me as much as I loved you.

I tried to be gentle and tender. But you didn’t respond, and every time, I chose my demons to show my love for you, Louis.

I tried to speak openly, but you didn’t listen, so I committed all sorts of foolish acts just to reach your heart.

Oh God, how I loved you, Louis de Pointe du Lac. I loved you so much, mon cher, that I became cruel. To you. To myself. To the world. I was a raw, exposed nerve, capable only of erupting with emotions and suffering. And when you were killing me, I thought — yes, God, yes, I’ll stop feeling this. He will end my life, and there will be no more love. He will end my life, and there will be no more suffering. He will end my life, slit my throat, poison me, burn me in the furnace… the same one where I burned the useless human bodies that meant nothing to me…

But you didn’t finish your mission. I remained in pain. In suffering. With a soul shattered into pieces. Fully united with my own black hole, the one I so desperately tried to escape by making you my lover, by making you fall in love with me, by loving you all my life.

I was left alone with an impossible, imperfect love for you. Left without you. Oh, Louis, you can’t imagine how immense this pain was. It cannot be measured by instruments, by years, by the depth of a soul. It cannot be compared to anything. But it can be felt. And, you know, maybe if you had known back then that I hadn’t completely died, you would have thought that I was preparing to kill you too, to give you that same unbearable pain, and you’d be right. But while I was dying and regenerating at the same time, I faced unbearable despair and gave up. I stopped fighting. Stopped struggling with you. Stopped making plans against you. I just broke apart and let that despair swallow me to the very depths.

Oh, Louis. How many years have passed? And only now are you reading this letter. And if you’re looking for a reason why I did this, then read the letter again. Then again and again. And understand that I’m still slowly dying. I’m still alone with this impossible love for you, mon cher.

And maybe, with a small part of my soul, I still wish you would finish killing me. Because I can’t do this anymore.

Forever yours, relentless and unbearable, Lestat de Lioncourt»

[koririmao]

k so i was thinking about best friend!hao x u doing anatomy homework. imagine hin asking you for some random body part and if you got it right he WOULD KISS THAT PART hwheh

-💌

tiger stripes | zhang hao

pairing| bff!hao x chubbyfem!reader

cw| fluff!, slightly suggestive?, kissing body parts, mentions of abuse, common fem insecurities (you're beautiful and worthy, don't let anyone tell you any different ilysm <3)

wc| 1.1K words

prolouge| ever since the zhang family moved next door, little you and little hao have always been the best of friends, doing anything and everything together being only children and neighbors. your favorite game was pretend doctor where you would take turns being the patient. this ignited a spark, encouraging the both of you to take medical courses in the future. similar as you are, both of you grew up differently as he was raised in a loving an encouraging household, while you were being beaten up by your step father every day until you turned 16 when your mom finally caught him in the act and forced him to move out.

playlist| all of me by john legend "love your curves and all your edges, all your perfect imperfections"

ask from 💌 anon| "k so i was thinking about best friend! hao x u doing anatomy homework. imagine hin asking you for some random body part and if you got it right he WOULD KISS THAT PART hwheh"

a/n: the way this ask was so convenient because im a nursing major and were about to learn muscle anatomy next month? ilysm 💌 anon <3

one warm summer evening, as the sun dipped behind the horizon, painting the sky with hues of orange and pink, you and hao found yourselves alone sitting on the floor of your bedroom. it was finals week and you decided to procrastinate the whole two months now you're stressing over how you're gonna do in the exam. you knew how careless you were and you knew you should've had that mindset months ago to scare yourself but we can't turn back time now can we? in complete utter desperation with no other choice, you decided to phone a friend and he arrived at your doorstep in a jiffy — literally, he was just next door.

fifteen minutes after you sent your text, the doorbell rang making you rush down the stairs but your mom got to it first. she opened the door to hao, grinning from ear to ear while holding out a container. even in a casual shirt and baggy pants, he still looked very presentable. "good afternoon, mrs ln! my mother baked these cupcakes earlier, they're still warm!" he handed it to her using both hands. "oh why thank you, hao. come, come in, ill get you something to drink" your mom gestured for him to come in as she made her way to the kitchen. upon entering, he noticed you from the flight of stairs and smiled wider.

and that's how you ended up gossiping and laughing on the floor while eating the cupcakes and drinking milk. you caught a glimpse of your beside clock while trying to catch your breath. "holy fuck it's 8:57 already?!" your eyes widened while wiping away the crumbs and icing from your lips. "guess we spilt too much tea" hao chuckled. you took out the cue cards you had prepared and gave it to him. "okay, no more mucking around. let's get some work done!" you dust the crumbs from your hands together before sitting down in a more comfortable position.

twenty minutes have passed and you made zero progress so far. hao even tried repeating the same question after every other one but you still couldn't get it through your thick skull. "it's hopeless, im never gonna be a nurse. guess you'll have to find someone else to be your assistant" you bent your knees up to your chest as you buried your face in them. "hey, hey, don't say that" hao scooted closer and hugged you while rubbing your back soothingly. "i wouldn't dream of having anyone else helping out dr. zhang, hm?" he lifted your cheeks to make you face him, smiling in reassurance.

"i'll tell you what, for every muscle you get right, i'll kiss you right there" he brushed a strand of hair from your face behind your ear. you felt your face heat up as his words echoed through your ears. "w-what?" he snickered. "well, maybe you're having trouble learning about the body because you're not giving enough love to this one. so, i will be doing it instead" he took her hand and kissed it. at that moment, you came to the realization that you started to see hao differently over the years since puberty so this was all coming to a surprise — but you liked it.

renered speechless, you gave a small nod as a response as he scooted backwards and took out the questionnaires once again. "let's start with an easy one, where are the biceps located?" you flexed your arm and pointed at it with a smug face, making both of you laugh right after. "that's right, good job yn" hao leaned forward and gently pulled your arm towards him before kissing your bicep, fulfilling his promise from earlier. you pouted and puffed your cheeks as you tried reverting the blood rushing to your face. "cutie" hao cooed at you and pinched your cheek before sitting back up.

"next, can you tell me where's the tendinous inscription?" you thought for a few seconds before finally pointing at it, poking your belly in the process. "good job, princess" hao liked giving you those nicknames since neither of you were dating anyone, no one was going to be jealous about it. he lifted your tank top ever so slightly and planted a soft kiss just above the belly button. "that tickles" you giggled in response. you should have kept that to yourself, tho. after saying that, hao kept on kissing, even moving around, painting your belly with his lips. "hao, stop!" you whined in between your laughter while trying to push his head away. hao finally declared defeat and stood back up, drinking some milk to rehydrate his palette.

"now, where were we?" he hummed as he was looking for a harder question. "ah, yes, the sternohyoid!" he gave a cheeky grin. you shifted your gaze to the side, trying your hardest to remember what it could be. giving up, you took the chances and pointed on your forehead. "hmm, are you sure?" hao asked in a teasing manner however he has been using thag to play mind games on you and thought you weren't gonna fall to his tricks again. "positive" you smirked to yourself, almost tasting the sweet victory. "aww, you're wrong, sorry" hao pouted while crossing his arms to form an x for incorrect. "oh, dang! i actually forgot that one, where is it again?" you innocently asked.

hao smirked and took this opportunity to lean towards you and kiss your neck. "here" he looked back at you, smiling feeling proud of himself as you froze in your position. "hey, you said you would only kiss me if i got the answers right" you smacked his arm playfully. "yeah but, i was really hoping you would get that one" he bit his bottom lip and winked at you. you rolled your eyes as he only snickered in response. he shuffled all the cards and pulled a random one from the deck.

"ooh, the gracilis!" hao widened his eyes while reading the question. "ah, i know this one because my step father used to always complain about it - its somewhere here" you encircled your inner thigh. "thats correct!" hao clapped and cheered making you also clap in response. hao carefully spread your legs apart and started lifting up one of the leg openings before you grabbed his fist, stopping him. "hm? what's wrong?" hao looked up at you in between your thighs. "y-you'll see my stretch marks..." you looked away while hiding half of your face with your hand. "so? if tigers can proudly flaunt their stripes in the wild then so can you" he continued exposing your thigh before kissing it. "that's where the gracilis is" you bit your lip as your face flushed pink, looking at where he just kissed you. not only that, that comparison made you feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. maybe hao is right, this body isn't so bad after all. you're just a fluffy cat in this world full of strays — with tiger stripes.

[arviyya]

Reg and Barty have a praise kink because of their childhood and strict parents,

James and Evan have a degradation kink, because... why not? <3

Oh anon, Reg and Barty would absolutely have praise kinks. They just crave that attention and love that they never got, the validation that they are good enough.

They would just melt, absolutely melt, at being called good boy, or love, and being told that they are doing a good job? help, it would be over for them, they'd just combust right there and there.

Imagine Barty giving Evan head and Evan cards his hand through Barty's hair and just goes "atta boy"... it would send Barty to his grave, I fear.

Anyway, as for the degradation kink, are you kidding me? Of course they would have degradation kinks. James would crave for someone to scold him, tell him he's not everything he thinks he is, he just begs for someone to put him in the place he feels he belongs. Evan is the same. I think it wouldn't have anything to do with their families or upbringing in this case, but rather how the world treats them like they're nothing but perfect. They just want someone to see them as imperfect, and still love and desire them anyway. No better way to do that than completely degrading them.

Oh, and Regulus and Barty would love degrading. It would be a sport to them.

Just imagine, Regulus calling James pathetic, telling him he's a slut, telling him he doesn't want anything to do with him if he can't make him come in the way he wants.

Ugh, James would love it. Absolutely love it.

Thanks for making my day better anon :]

[idiotysseus]

Okay so the fact that the two responses I get online to confessing my hellenism are always "OH! ME TOO! WHO'S YOUR FAVOURITE?!?!!?!??!!!" or "uhm, actually👆🤓 im a devout catholic and why the fuck would you leave catholicism to worship imperfect deities" constantly cracks me up

And I'm really bad at explaining things but I'll try. so:

When I say I'm Hellenistic, I don't mean that I sacrifice a large herd of wine drenched cattle to the gods every second week, I mean that to me, if there were to BE entities of a sort like godhood, that they would most likely be the pantheons. And by saying that I do mean all of them - Norse, Greek, Egyptian, etc.

Why wouldn't they all exist simultaneously? I find it incomprehensible that Zeus could be in control over everything. Ra? Maybe - but I don't know enough about any Egyptian gods but Anubis to give a definite answer. There needs to be a multitude of pantheons, or else things literally wouldn't function. Greek myth also brushes over other parts of the world (that they knew about), so I'd imagine these very separate pantheons are all on pretty good terms.

You might then be wondering - why the fuck am I not (insert religion where you worship multiple gods from different religions)? Because, although I believe in multiple pantheons, I wouldn't worship Odin or Thor or anything. If I was Extra Religious™, I'd be praying to Hermes every time I stood up to stop my hearing from going wonky, but even though I don't those are the gods I would worship.

It's like monarchs - yes this is the easiest way for me to properly explain - where a subject of one monarch will bow to every monarch, but if another monarch tells them to do something they aren't required to actually do it. They do it out of respect, not duty.

The idea of perfection, and by extension omnipotence because there is no being that can know all and see all and be all powerful without being perfect, is also just complete shit to me - how can something hold no flaws; make no mistakes?

I was thinking about it and came up with this - there is nothing perfect that can theoretically exist. The universe - SCIENTIFICALLY - will always move towards chaos and never towards order. If there ever was anything perfect, it would instantly be destroyed or blemished because the universe itself cannot comprehend the idea of something being perfect. Anything that has any sort of connection to literal reality cannot be perfect - the word chaos is literally from the Greek embodiment of the universe, who was ACTUALLY called Chaos.

The God of Abrahamic religions (ie. Christianity, Judaism, Islam) is omnipotent - but no being can be all-powerful because that would mean it was perfect. Despite literally having been confirmed and communed into the Catholic church and going to a religious school I constantly found myself questioning what I was being taught because I cannot fathom the idea of a being like that.

And that's the problem with literally every monotheistic religion - their god has to be all powerful so that it can fill the space usually taken by other gods, which is impossible.

So that also leads into my view that a lot of monotheistic religions exist because someone wanted to feel important or have control over people - they almost always have stricter rules that if broken, the "sinner" is thrown into eternal torment. Most people don't see it like that anymore, but some use these religions as an excuse to ruin the lives of or hurt people they don't like.

So yeah, my problems with monotheistic religion and why I'm a Hellenic.

[musicalteacats]

This is a ramble I guess, a long-winded explanation of my thought process on the aspect of love in Catholicism, more specifically God’s Love for us and why He allows things to happen. Will I post it? Maybe. We’ll see:

I’ll start off with this: there is Light, and there is Darkness. Simple as that. What is darkness? The absence of light. Darkness is nothing but an absence.

In Catholicism, God is the Light. He is Being Itself, Perfection Itself, Goodness Itself. He is The Light. Hell? Hell is the absence of that Light— The darkness. The absence of that Light, the Absence of God. Non-being. Nothingness. So much Nothingness that it is painful, agonizing in a way that none of us will truly know unless God forbid we experience it.

Now, context aside, since God is Being, among many things that means He is Love Itself, Love incarnate. Knowing that, can you imagine how much He loves each and every one of us as His creation, His children made in His image and likeness? He doesn’t just love certain people, the holiest people, the most modest people, the meekest people, no. That would mean His love would be imperfect, which is wrong. His love is PERFECT; and thus He loves every single one of us, from the Holiest nun, to the atheist, to the gay man or lesbian couple or any in between, to the prostitute down the street, to the newly married couple. Everyone. Everyone on earth. He loves every single one of us in such a beautiful, intimate, kind, and precious way, with such a strength that we will never truly understand till we stand before Him at our final judgement, though we may not feel it. He would literally die for us, without hesitation (and He has!!). Because He is Love itself. He is Perfection itself. That love we seek out around us? Through our friends, our spouse, our significant others, even from strangers? We are seeking HIM, shining through the people around us.

Now even if we choose not to love Him back, that does not change His love for us. He will not stop loving us because we chose not to follow Him. He does not stop loving someone for being an atheist, for being a satanist, for leaving the faith. He still loves us, though we reject Him. His heart breaks for the suffering we endure. He weeps for us. Because He is Love.

As Catholics, we are called to show that love to the people around us, imperfect though we may be. By no means will we ever be able to truly emulate the love He has for us; but we can try our best to show that love to the people around us the best we can, and continue to strive to do so despite the crosses we bear.

That doesn’t always mean accepting everything they do. I have friends whom I love and care about dearly as my friends, but they have made decisions I do not agree with or condone. I still love them, and still care about them, but that does not mean I agree with those actions. However those actions are their decision to make, and while I can voice my disagreement I cannot force them to change. Similarly, God gave us the freedom to choose out of love for us. It would not be love if we were forced to love Him, if we had no other choice. So we have the freedom to choose— Free Will. We have the freedom to choose the good, to choose to run to Him, to love Him, and we have the freedom to choose not to. It is our decision to make, and He will not interfere with that. And thus, people throughout the world have chosen to make some terrible decisions. Does that mean God is a terrible God, because He allows these things? Does that mean He does not care?

No. Not at all. Because remember— God is Being Itself. He Is, in a way we will never truly comprehend. It is our choice to choose the good or the bad. However, God has the power to bring goodness from anything. Anything. Because He is God. A terrible decision is made. Something evil. People wonder why God ever allowed it to happen. How could God allow such a decision to happen? Does he not care?

Quite the opposite. He cares. His heart breaks at our pain. But ultimately, He allowed it to happen so He could ultimately bring goodness from that terrible decision. To bring light to the dark. He will not prevent our poor decisions, because He gave us that choice. But He will create goodness from that decision. He will use it to bring the Light, even if we cannot see it in the moment, afterwards, or ever. I have mentioned this in regard to my disability— He does not prevent it, but rather uses it to bring me closer to Him, to help me feel His love even in my pain, and show that love to the world.

So take heart in this— He loves you. He loves you even if you don’t love Him back. He loves you even if you make the worst decision on earth. He will always love you, whether you accept it or not.

Did this make sense? Not a clue. Just a ramble I guess. Feel free to comment or ask questions. I’m very non-confrontational though due to past trauma, so no aggression please. Conversations and questions are welcome, arguments and aggression are not. If you read all this— Thank you!

[peaky-peaky]

AU ramble: dependent relationships and the line of toxicity.

I'm obsessed with Fukalen Madoka Magica AU because of how I'm choosing to portray their relationship and basically all of the ins and outs of it!

Warning, this post will be long, and a bit graphic! Proceed with caution!

So, to start with, you would definitely have to go back to the beginning. Not of the fic, but before the fic is set! I'll call this timeline one to keep things simple. This timeline starts with the poor, helpless and downright unsociable Fukase, who had spent a majority of his life alone. Not to say he didn't have support. No, he had Teto, who would visit him on trips in and out of the hospital. But he still lacked genuine friends and a genuine connection to the outside world.

This led him to being guarded, putting his walls up via the persona the Vocaloid community associates him with; A sassy airhead with a big ego.Of course, he wasn't taught the proper ways to socialize with people because of his frequent trips in the hospital. He was so used to being sheltered, that this persona was his way of "adjusting" to the real world.

So, he is able to transfer to Mitakihara. Here, he'd be faced with what I like to think of as a case of culture shock. Kids weren't as nice as his sister liked to tell him they were, and they were nothing like what he'd imagined them to be. This persona of his only got him a few weird stares and chuckles. He wasn't liked, but he wasn't hated either.It's a weird in-between that I feel like is never touched on in media.

This sort of treatment is way too common, and yet, never portrayed (realistically, that is.) Basically, imagine you've been out of school for most, if not all of your life due to something you can't help. You come to this brand new school with kids you've never seen in your life, and all of a sudden, they'll whisper whenever you walk by, or chuckle when you enter class. More often than not, those kids aren't even thinking about you. The thing that is ignored is the paranoia. The lingering thoughts of "what-if" etc.

Fukase isn't made fun of. The thing making him this way is the assumption of being made fun of. This leads to him thinking most kids are this way by default. He carried that mentality until he met Len. Len was different in some way. Fukase himself wasn't sure how or why, but he was different from those kids that would chuckle at him in the hallways. There wasn't anything that set him apart, but he found himself drawn to him in a way that was almost undescribable. A (platonic) case of love at first sight.This leads to the two becoming quick friends. There isn't much to say about their relationship besides the utter dependency Fukase has on Len. Especially during this stage of their relationship. This dependency only gets worse as the story goes on.Fukase sees Len as different, a perfect vessel, someone that he could latch onto, even when he himself was full of imperfections.

SPOILER TERRITORY, PROCEED WITH CAUTION

So, what about after Len dies? Well, to put it simply, Fukase loses his lifeline. He watched people like Yohio and Flower die, but none of them compared to the pain he felt when he watched his "savior," this person who had shown him nothing but kindness, get shot down by a witch. He didn't deserve it. It wasn't fair, this fate was too cruel. He had done nothing wrong, he'd only ever done right in Fukase's eyes, and he was gone. In an instant, before his eyes, this person who he regarded so highly, was gone. And there was nothing he could do about it. Right?

Well, there was one thing he could do. He could make a wish with Kyubey. So, in desperation, not caring if it worked or not, he wished to redo everything, his meeting with Len. This time, he wouldn't be weak, this time, *he* would be the one to protect him. Things wouldn't go wrong this time.

And that's where timeline one ends, and the second one begins. At the beginning of the second, Fukase, now adorned with new magical powers is quick to befriend Len. He refused to mess up.

So how does this affect Len at all?

Well, he's basically forced to take the role of God. He's scared to mess up, he's scared to disappoint this person that holds him so highly. He'd never been praised this much for simply existing. But, if you ignore that (like Len does), you'll see that Len does genuinely care for Fukase.

Despite their first meeting (timeline one) not going to well, Len's willing to look past that. After all, he sort of figured Fukase had little experience with people. He was willing to give him another chance.And he didn't end up regretting it. The two grew close, closer than most friends usually would.

This is what caused the original dependency in the first place.

I'll probably continue this later, but feel free to send in anons, etc!

[spnfanficpond]

August 2023 Angel Fish Awards!

(Angel Fish design by @slytherkins!!)

Every month all of you fantastic writers work your asses off to post some truly incredible stories. Our Angel Fish Awards are the way for all of us, as a community of writers and readers, to lift each other up and give praise to those who have captured our attention and deserve a few kind words. (Click here to learn more about how to nominate a fic for an award!)

Nominated by Anonymous

Tangled Fates by @outofnowhere82

Nominated by @katbratsupernaturalwhore

Factory Reset by @talltalesandbedtimestories

The build up, the sass, the care she took, the pegging, the focus on description, the deliciousness... Mmmm I wanna eat him up!

Love; For the First Time by @dean-winchester-is-a-warrior

Adorable first time fic. Good build, sweet and fluffy and steamy!

Nominated by @mrswhozeewhatsis

An Imagined Life by @imagineteamfreewill

This is the fluffiest fluff to ever fluff AND IT HAS IKEA!!! I mean, I couldn't ask for anything more!! *heart eyes forever*

I'm So Sorry, Sammy by @bobwess

(AO3 link) ANGST!!! So much angst, man. Y'all know I love John Winchester, but even I can acknowledge he was not a great dad. Usually, I avoid fics with the "John's A+ parenting" tags because I have very strict ideas about his incompetence as a father. This story really shows a way that I can see in canon John would be especially crappy as a dad. No pairing, just a seriously angtsy genfic showing teenage Sam being a BAMF and Dean's heart breaking. (Sort of happy ending, though! You know me. lol)

Nominated by @dean-winchester-is-a-warrior

Why I Do It by @kazsrm67

This drabble and it's companion piece (from Dean's POV) is short and incredibly sweet. It's a lovely little slice of life for the boys and the reader. I always love when we get to see Dean happy, and he is, in this fluffy piece. Happy, loved and taken care of - us Dean girls can't ask for more. A highly enjoyable read!

Nominated by @glygriffe

Imperfections by @thewritingspot /@troize

Seeing Lucifer in another light, as an insecure middle child in a big family fired my brain cells! And of course, Gabriel being himself even as a kid. (And also: Art!!!)

Never Say Goodbye by @zepskies

It's a soulmate AU series, but it's also a reader insert that stays close to canon. Sweet and angsty and smutty... A little bit of everything all rolled into one satisfying story.

Untitled ask prompt by @sugaraddictarchangels

This ficlet is the only Jess!Lucifer representation I've ever seen and it's so refreshing to see early seasons' Lucifer under that light!

Nominated by @heavenssexiestangel

Between the Three by @lucibae-is-dancing-in-hell

This fic was written for me in all senses of the word, and I love how she characterized Arthur, Mick, and Dean and the different ways they react to being parents-to-be. Of course, the smut is great, but I also love how they clearly all love each other and want to be a family.

The Great 'Nah-Duh' of Dean Winchester by @ladyknightskye

I love this fic because it gave me Gadreel/Dean without having to write it myself, and also because it's well written and I love how soft Gadreel is... And the fact Dean has his Bisexual Awakening with him? LMAO!

Nominated by @iprobablyshipit91

Never Say Goodbye (series) by @zepskies

I’m an absolute sucker for soulmate AUs and this one was amazing. The reader and Dean's relationship was built beautifully and I loved how the ending ‘fixed’ things!

Baby Spoon (series) by @deanwanddamons

This really made me feel so many emotions. Seeing Dean so happy and having the relationship he deserves made me so happy despite everything.

The Prettiest One by @dean-winchester-is-a-warrior

This was literally so adorable and made me laugh so much. It’s such a good one to go back to and read over again.

Carry On (series) by @jawritter

This was just the perfect fix-it fic we all needed after *that* ending. It wasn’t rushed and it by no means sugar-coated what happened. There are some real struggles and a lot for both the reader and Dean to overcome but it’s damn worth it!

Pack (series) by @spnexploration

This is a story I’ve definitely gone back and reread a few times and it’s so close to the end, I can’t wait to see the final chapters. Overprotective Dean is always perfect but I really enjoy the pack dynamics in this and Maddie is a brilliant addition!

Heart of a Hunter Saga (series) by @muchamusedaboutnothing

Where to even start with this, every single stand-alone story in this saga is excellent in its own right and combined together this whole story is amazing. I love Dean and the reader's relationship and how they’ve managed to carve out a family life that works for them. Brilliant!

Baby, We’ve got a Problem (series) by @deanwritings

I love the unique concept of this, Baby getting turned human, and the implications this has particularly for Deans's relationship. I’ve read it a few times as it’s so easy to go back to and enjoyable to read.

Always You and Me by @deanwinchesterswitch

I just loved this story and how it built up. The dialogue is hilarious and while I did guess what was happening, it in no way detracted from how awesome this story is.

Hold On I’m Coming (series) by @ravengirl94

This was one of the first firefighter Dean fics I read and I loved it. The relationship the two of them have and the twists and turns are just perfect.

Captives of the Court by @impala-dreamer

This story instantly got my attention. I loved the way the story moved between what was happening now and what had happened to lead up to that point and how everything came together at the end. Amazing story.

The One That Got Away (series) by @pink-sparkly-witch

This story just hits you in the feels. It’s not finished but I’m so in love with Dean and the reader already and can’t wait to see how their relationship progresses!

Midnight Espresso / Devour Me (series)by @zepskies

There was something so sweet about these two stories that I instantly fell in love with the reader and dean in this. I connected with the plus-sized reader but Dean is so sweet and adorable. I just loved it.

Collared (series) by @spnexploration

I’ve been reading this story from pretty much when it started being posted and I’ve loved every second, I’m so excited and sad that it’s ending. It’s an amazing story full of protective Dean which I live for and it’s just perfect.

The Last Call by @kasimagines

I could have nominated so many of Kasimagines' stories but there’s something about this one that just really hits me and I’ve read it so many times. The loyalty Dean shows despite the years is beautiful and the effect John has on them all is heartbreaking.

Dream On (series) by @talesmaniac89

There’s something about this fic that I just absolutely love. It’s a comfort fic I’ve gone back and read so many times. Dean's overprotectiveness and worry and concern for the reader is just adorable.

Miscommunication (series) by @winchest09

This is another story I’ve read so many times. I love the story and the British reader really resonates with me being from the UK! I love the confusion between the same words meaning different things to British vs American, it makes for some interesting conversations!

If You Want It To Be (series) by @zepskies

This got me feeling so Christmassy in July! It was just such a lovely heart warming story, I adored it.

Nominated by @mariekoukie6661

House of the Rising Sun by @kittenofdoomage

MAFIA AU!!!! This has been a joy to read for the first time and it's always a joy to reread!!!

Nominated by @thoughtslikeaminefield

The Hero Always Gets A Kiss by @fandomoniumflurry

I’m a sucker for ChesterVelle, heroes, and kissing. This is one of my old faves I like to re-read every once in a while.

No Title by @stusbunker

This is sooooo Sam, and it's sooooo swoony and real. It's fucking electric.

Factory Reset by @talltalesandbedtimestories

This is so. well. written. So sexy. So good for Dean. He deserves this so much. This writer did their research but this doesn't read like a manual. It's thorough and intimate and exactly what Dean should have every day — someone taking care of him.

No Title by @dean-winchester-is-a-warrior

For the love of god, he’s just Like This, isn’t he? Like always. In canon, in headcanon, in fic — ALWAYS. And I love the way this writer objectifies him.

Nominated by @inenochian

Restless Wanderer by intothesilentland (AO3 only)

This story is such a beautiful soft romance set in 19th C Cornwall. Beautiful portrayal of Dean and Cas!

Nominated by @salt-n-burn-em-all

The Talismen series by Lochinvar (AO3 only)

Gives us insight into people who helped the boys grow up into the men they became. Not always Hunters, more like strangers who sometimes didn’t know exactly how much they helped until years later, if ever.

Nominated by @spn-fanfic-reblog-writes

Hunter’s Throne (series) by @ladyknightskye

It’s such a beautiful story and I love the angel-human lore. It’s so complimentary to each other and that bond is just so Cas and Dean. They have got to talk. It’s part of what’s we readers love about them because once they do, it only gets better and fluffy! I loved it so much I posted about it on my blog to advertise it because it is worth the read and keeps to the essence of the show.

THANK YOU ALL, KEEP UP THE AMAZING WORK, AND AS ALWAYS, HAPPY WRITING!

- From your Admins and Manta Rays, @manawhaat, @mrswhozeewhatsis, @mariekoukie6661, @princessmisery666, @thoughtslikeaminefield, @katbratsupernaturalwhore, and @heavenssexiestangel!

[stchematelier]

Dev Diary #17

Some little update on what I've been up to...

I don't want to jinx anything, however, everything is going with the project! I've just about started the third chapter, right after drafting the previous one. It's thanks to Chapell Roan's [Good Luck, Babe!] that I finally understood why that ONE idea never worked from the get-go since its early concept!!!

It appears that letting these ideas and characters simmer for over a decade essentially allowed them space to grow and guide me to the directions they want to be written. I'll be sharing a more fully-fleshed post about this on the upcoming monthly blog post over at ko-fi, but I had to temporarily trim three other concepts out of the equation, either because they don't fit the overarching theme or they're too similar to another story already in it.

I'm still doing some behind-the-works before unleashing the membership tiers, but having two drafts to be shared for each month at the ready eases the process a lot! In the meantime, I have also been dabbling with a script draft for an upcoming game jam I may or may not join? The theme and historical timing is too good to pass up! I have written about 746 words for the intro/chapter 1(?) alone. I know which alternative time period I want it to take place, and the vibes I want it to have, I'm only worried if I do join the game jam this could get over my head like always.

I've essentially accepted I'm bad tackling long-term projects, hence the myriad other stuff I end up getting distracted with. But the jam schedule is appealing enough I could pull it off if I don't obsess over having a perfect version of it? And by imperfect, I mean rudimentary. Everything from the background art to the GUI to the art style. I want to have fun making it and not be miserable through the whole process, as any proper game dev should.

On a more positive note, I unblock the writer's block for OTAD. It's now back on my rotary list of scripts I get to procrastinate over. I had to move everything from Gooogle Doc to Ellipsus which I've been having a blast using for about half a year now. Before Doc, I used to dump everything on Evernote for about five-six years until they started embracing A II features that only hindered the use of the app, so I had to settle with Doc until I saw Ellipsus circulating on my Tumblr feed. I do hope the site takes off, specially now that I can't imagine using anything but.

Now, NW! I give up! I'm going to cough up the courage to write that unplanned scene, which has been lingering on my mind since it formed in my head one day. I don't know how I'm going to pull it off. Frankly, I'm afraid I'll have to rearrange and shift things IF it does work and fit with the flow. And if it won't, at least it would be a fun little bonus scene to add separately to the project page. I need Night Watch to be finished badly!

Please join my prayers to whatever Tech God or Universe has it out for me to spare me another disastrous electronic troubled summer. If I lose another half a year's work, I don't think I'd be able to cope this time. I might just crumple and give up for good with dev-ing.

Until next time,

— S. H.

PS. Would any of you be interested in a community section if there was one? Have you tried it out yet? What are your thoughts? Thanks :D

[sneakydraws]

what do you think about pierre and andrei? do you think it could actually work out together and if so how? i’m just curious cus i haven’t really seen other people who ship them too

haha i'm so flattered to be asked my opinion like a wap men expert..! i'm gonna go on a long and unfocused ramble now if you don't mind

my take is thus: andrei is a depressed repressed artistocrat who Knows he's attracted to men (in whatever 1800s language he might cloak it) (has known since he was young in fact. i have a comic somewhere in the back of my mind about andrei's teen journals written in code... but anyway) but is pretty dead set on never acting on that attraction because he just cares so, SO MUCH about being the perfect son and perfect nobleman and never indulging in his desires. Frankly at a certain point this mindset becomes so deeply rooted in him that it stops even being about risking his career/reputation and just becomes self-denial/rigid self control for the sake of it. Because he has issues.

His love for pierre i think is similar to his later love for natasha, in that he's attracted by pierre's youthfulness, naivete, lack of aristocratic savoir faire or any artificiality. i have to admit i really love that "you are the only alive person in our social circle" quote... andrei sees himself and the society he lives in as walking corpses, perpetuating pointless social conventions and actively avoiding any meaningful conversation because their reputation or social standing may suffer for it. pierre, as an outsider, is attractive to andrei because andrei sees his honesty, his naive passion, his unfiltered emotion, and sees everything that he himself is incapable of indulging in. That being said, i do think he sees pierre's faults as well - unlike with natasha later, where he was completely blinded by what she represented for him and suffered all the more when she turned out to be an imperfect human being. the reason why he doesn't idealise pierre to the same extent lies probably partly in their longer friendship, partly in misogyny that curses natasha with the madonna-whore treatment - pierre is more of a real person to andrei. i also think andrei needs to be railed by a bear so there's also that

as for pierre! i think he admires andrei tremendously, especially at the beginning of wap, and basically assumes andrei is superior to himself in every way, but either isn't interested in him romantically or simply doesn't realise it. he's definitely strongly characterised by a lack of knowledge of himself and his own needs or desires, as shown in his being peer pressured into marrying helene. so you have a situation where one party is unaware of their own feelings and the other refuses to act on theirs... an impasse.

so as you can see i'm skeptical that anything ever could happen between them but just for funsies let's imagine it does... thing is, andrei is so committed to torturing himself by staying faithful to his wife and never doing anything against the rules of wedlock (or of society!) even while he openly hates her and makes her miserable that i have to believe any adultery would weigh on him heavily no matter how much his heart aches for pierre. add to that the shame and danger of homosexuality and i really think that while he would seek out secret meetings with pierre with desperation he would be horribly miserable about it all the while, cursing his inability to stick to his principles and drowning in shame and self-reproach. and like i've discussed before, andrei is chronically incapable of being vulnerable with anyone (just look at his frantic but detached and mocking speech to pierre about how his marriage is making him unhappy, or the strangled way in which he proposes to natasha) so it's not like he could talk this over with pierre... and pierre isn't exactly the psychologically insightful type so, especially with the high regard he holds andrei in, i imagine he'd be confused at andrei's conflicted feelings and feel it was somehow his fault... i think the closes they could get to an honest talk about their feelings is something like the scene before borodino where andrei frantically paces the room spewing disgusted tirades about himself while pierre doesn't know how to comfort him. they'd have sex every so often and it would be great and messy and complicated and andrei would get that post nut shame trip and feel in turns happy and disgusted with himself for feeling happy and pierre would be too afraid of seeming stupid to question any of andrei's evasive answers. it would suck and they would be just two of the many victims of pre-therapy society. if at least they went to confession... maybe being catholic or at least xtian would save them but nooo they gotta be enlightened atheists. idiots

i should probably reread and rewrite this whole thing but it's late and i've had a rough few days so i think i'll just release this answer into the wild and go to sleep. i still dont know how they would even start hooking up tbh like i'm racking my brain. maybe andrei has some personal crisis and is finally convinced to have a drink and then his overstrained thread of rigorous self control snaps or maybe literally any of the kuragins pick up on andrei's feelings and tell pierre to mess with him. maybe fedya does. maybe pierre reads a boook about the homosexual agenda maybe his masonic buddies get him into a cool all gender orgy maybe anatole throws a bangin party and pierre realises some things about himself

[fratricideknight]

i just want to talk for a sec about 'perfect looks'. i used to be super into drawn characters and rl people who look quote unquote 'perfect' but now i've suddenly become really disillusioned with it. people who hit every single point on the perfect feature list are like blank white canvases. sure, there are no flaws. but that's because you didn't actually attempt anything... it's basic and boring. i'd take a wonky, imperfect painting which actually has something going on over a blank canvas any day. i'm not going to name any names and NO ONE ELSE had better do it, either, bc shaming people's appearances directly contradicts the point of this post. but when people proudly parade their faves around, talking about how perfect they are, i just . they have the most basic style bc their sponsors aren't willing to take any risks, they often have little to no personality to speak of in their public appearances bc their sponsors aren't willing to take any risks, and their faces and bodies look like 3d printouts bc their sponsors aren't willing to take any risks. i - in no way, shape, or form - blame people for wanting to use make-up or dress a certain way or get plastic surgery. the pressure to be perfect, which is dictated as having certain a certain set of attributes, is unbearable. but. i don't understand why people would celebrate the culling of diversity among facial and bodily features. if everyone looked the same it would be scary as hell. not to mention that someone being gone at by make-up artists and stylists and quite possibly plastic surgeons to the point that they looked like they've just rolled off a production line is grotesque. the dehumanising comparison makes me flinch, but the truth is that it is dehumanising. both treating someone like an object to be shaped and moulded, and attempting to strip someone of everything which makes them individual. when i see someone zooming in on a celebrity's - or otherwise - features, claiming that their nose is the wrong shape or their eyes aren't right and this makes them unattractive (and, quite often, inferior to the person's fave), i feel incredibly sad. well, no - first and foremost, i feel angry, because they're being a dickhead. but also, i feel sad. bestie. do you realise how goofy you sound claiming that there's a 'wrong nose shape' to have? especially considering you most likely have a 'wrong nose shape' yourself 😶 instead of being weirdly, freakishly pedantic about people's pores, please zoom out and just look at someone's face in isolation. chances are, they're really fucking attractive when you stop thinking about their relative 'rank' and scouring their face for flaws with a fucking microscope. selecting one photo of a person where they don't look as good and using this to claim they aren't attractive is quite possibly the saddest thing anyone could possibly do. these are human beings you're talking about. please get a grip. the truth is, on any human being, you will find something! a scar, a bit of asymmetry, blackheads, wayward eyebrow hairs, something. all of which serve to make their face more interesting. mainstream media will not change bc of this stupid post, but it should know that characters looking perfect all the time is disturbing. you should not wake up with a full face of makeup. you should not be smooth and scar-free when you're fighting a fucking zombie apocalypse. it makes them look like a doll, rather than a person! which they are, bc it's fictional, but immersion is kind of the point... stylists and make-up artists do amazing work! they give you a sense of characters' personalities and circumstances and make them look realistic for their setting. their purpose is not to make someone look "perfect" all the damn time! i can't even imagine how mind-numbingly boring it must be to do the same thing over and over. where's the individuality? where's the risk? where's the literal point of fashion and make-up?

every single industry in every single country does this, but a good example is k dramas. (if anyone starts up some 'those fucking asians' bullshit i will personally curse you to tread on a lego with every step for the rest of your life. this is just an example; it happens in your country, too - have some self-awareness and shut the hell up.) i used to be super into the way they make up characters in a lot of k dramas, and i don't blame anyone for liking it! it's just an aesthetic choice. but now i really don't like it. the characters being too luminous and perfect just looks odd to me. as with any film industry, only actors with select features are allowed to play main roles, so everyone ends up looking really similar once they've been made up in the exact same way as everyone else. these days, i'm just wondering where the dirt and the scars and the smile lines are. i know that dirt and scars etc. are made up in media to be perfect versions of themselves lmao, and it's still all smoke and mirrors, so i don't think of myself as morally superior for this. i just love to see and indulge in the beauty of people with a range of different features. i'm still shallow, and will probably enjoy a show more if i'm attracted to the cast, but at least i'm not expecting everyone to look uniform. i've improved.

in conclusion, if you want to make a character creepy as fuck, make them incongruously perfect. they don't lift their mouth enough when they smile because they want to avoid smile lines. their hair never falls a strand out of place, like it's locked in a vacuum. their skin is so smooth and clear it looks like their features have been painted on. legitimately terrifying

[reviuai]

Your Silent Salesperson – Why Your Review Profile Sells More Than You Think!

Do you believe that people go through a product, get to know a brand, and, whether they want to or not, forget it? No! That's not how human brains function. It's basic psychology. People overshare. To share things with others. Simple things that make a difference, that don't, anything. And guess what, people are talking about your brand, even when you are not advertising it. By word of mouth communication with others, which we term as 'word of mouth'. By written mode of communication, such as those Online reviews on various sites like Google, Facebook, Trustpilot, Yelp, and wherever there's a social platform. These are known as customer reviews, or for that matter, their perception of your product, which may not always be accurate, but they do exist. Well, what do you do about it? You ought to be worried because they sit under your brand name.

Now it's your turn to cash in on these reviews. Why? Because the customer is the king, right?

Imagine all these web reviews as Chinese whispers which go speedier than any sales campaign or marketing advertisement. Your responsibility is to collect, gather and sort them to examine a great deal of things thoroughly. Such as your customers' behavior, their preferences, their likes and interests and also monitor their path. This type of customer review management will prove useful for your brand in the future, molding and shaping it to your customers' inclinations.

Where Are You Without Review Management?

Suppose your business is performing well. And there is plenty of noise about your brand, not the physical one, but a lot of noise. And you are not listening to them at all. People just go on commenting, giving opinions and leaving feedback regarding your brand. Now, there may be lots of reviews surrounding your brand. Some may simply be pleasant, full of lovely adjectives, but there may be some which do not appeal to your senses – unpleasant ones that nearly hurt. There may be others which are neutral. Whatever, all of them contribute, in ways you can't even dream about. That's what customer reviews are all about. Without them, your business is like a boat in a stormy sea without a compass. You could very well be doing everything right, except for handling decent customer review management.

Some companies and brands have no idea that they already possess a review profile, courtesy of some of the best review websites. And when they are finally brought into the picture, they are faced with a combination of old comments, unanswered questions and ranting, and reviews that have already altered people's perception about your brand. Shocker, right? Well, that's how online review management is done!

It’s not about controlling the opinions of your customers. It’s getting into the discussion, being a part of it and using it to your advantage, exclusively for your brand!

Real Reviews, Real Reputation – Let Them Talk

Frankly, people dislike brands that are perfection clones. Surprisingly, they adore imperfect brands. It makes the brand's business more human. Therefore, no one would take a company seriously if it keeps getting five-star ratings from individuals with strangely similar names. So what companies need to do is to go for authenticity. Opt for true, authentic reviews and experiences. Aye, and that too would count the 1 star ratings (if any) but that's how you raise the bar! Authenticity just creates loyalty.

Don't therefore avoid negative reviews. Let your reviews be tales of growth, development, and belongingness. That is reputation marketing at its least noise and most power.

Meet ReviuAI – Your Review Person

All this data may seem a bit too much for your business. To take care of reviews in such an ideal manner and run your business too is not so easy a thought. But don't worry, that's where software like Reviuai is here for. You need someone to do your chores and you keep sitting comfortably taking care of the rest, right? Yup!

ReviuAI assists in making your review responses more efficient, monitor what is being said, and even recommend the optimum manner in which to respond based on the tone of the review. It acts as your virtual assistant, making your customer review management efficient and less time-intensive. And Voila! Your brand will become better and superlative in the future years!

FAQs

Do I have to be on all review sites?

No. You can prioritize based on popularity. Keep in mind, Google is a must. But outside of that, you have to be where your crowd is. Firms vary for different sectors.

Should I respond to all reviews?

Debatable, but yes. Naturally, if you use Reviuai, we will assist you in prioritising, but reply to everything by compulsion, but ideally you would treat every customer with care.

Do reviews aid SEO?

Yes, absolutely. The more reviews, the greater the visibility for your brand. Reviews that hit the net are content and will be traced by search engines.

[blackoutfeverdream]

One cannot but notice there are vanishingly few socialized female who seem to be accepted among the 'Mech People.

Oh, there are trans women in abundance

but the unchastened boy kind. You know what I mean: Fixated on banal technical minutia, preoccupied with trite formula, fanatic in their trivial sword-drills and totally incapable of actual thought about its human dimensions.

They're a fine canary for a more pervasive issue:

You half-assed trannies are fucking it up for the rest of us.

A lot of "transphobia" complaints I see are just the total failure to grasp what it actually involves to be female under androcracy.

"Oh, life sucks"

GIRL, LIFE SUCKS FOR WOMEN, OHMYFUCKINGGOD DIDN'T YOU PAY ATTENTION IN ALL YOUR SECONDS ON THIS PLANET?!

You just accepted a voluntary demotion in wholeness' name.

"Women don't talk to me"

congratulations, you won! You're accepted. Women don't talk to each other a lot unless they want it.

Y'know why they did before? You were a man and they were fucking scared of you in an enclosed space. They track you by social echolocation because men are violent unpredictable things whose malfeasance society accepts and endorses prima facie.

"People treat me like shit."

No shit.

THAT'S HOW IT FEELS TO BE A WOMAN.

You're optional, a nice-to-have, a plus-one in your own existence. You're now seen as an appendage if not an appendix.

Did you happen to notice this election wasn't about trannies at all but society's hysteria over just how uppity broads have gotten? all the "your body, my choice" triumphalism from the right?

Of course you didn't. You don't ever interact with cis people. You have no empathy and no social acumen for anything and everything outside your autistic drum circle.

They make you "uncomfy."

They don't ratify all your delusions.

You're terminally online and oblivious. It's an embarrassment.

It's dangerous to the trans women who make the effort.

I'm not a transmasc. You people can do your own bitching but I'd imagine most of you being intolerable halfassed uwusoftbois who want all the male privilege and not to have to sacrifice your femaleness would be a large part of it.

"I'm judged by my appearance"

UH, YEAH?!

That's what you are. You're a body. Society doesn't give any scatological noun or copulative profanity about you past that. All your hopes, dreams, thoughts, talents, ability

yeah if you want those respected you don't have rights to those anymore.

You have claw and kick and tear and bite and rip and scream and kill to get what you want, baby.

But instead of seeing that and resolving to join all of society in its betterment, you Balkanize because you're stupid.

You're no different than TERFs. You just have a different tribalism with a different rap.

I'm sick of it.

I have no fucking reason to seek solidarity in people who fuck up my life.

There's a reason I have so few trans friends: Trans people treat me like shit and hurt my life by their existence.

Oh, I'm a "pick me" because I'm gender-conforming

NO FUCKING SHIT I'M GENDER-CONFORMING! THIS IS MY GENDER!

I'M A WOMAN, YOU MORONS!

I'm pure ten-thousand-percent femme and have perfect makeup and clothes and exercise all the time and keep to a diligent diet and have big tits and a thick ass and round waist and tight belly and long legs and a pretty face and I haven't even had surgery yet

just the same self-hate and self-actualization as any other cis woman with the basic resources.

But that's it. I looked like a fuckin' brick in a dress with a cute chubby face when I was fat. So I'm not fat anymore. Sure I miss havin' G-cups

(oh, they were nice)

but an Instagram body is a little more important.

I spend all my time with cis women not just because they're so much kinder to me and don't impose these repugnant litmus tests and clannish shibboleths but teach me even more how to be a woman.

I was socialized as one by default all my life but there are ten trillion imperfections from needing to male-present at all with the latent biases and ignorance and just the impossibility in knowing the fingerfeel of immediate life.

I had one T4T relationship.

I used to regard this as incidental but I now know this is a badge of pride.

They're training wheels pseudorelationships most of the time, common experience conflated with empathy and empathy conflated with compassion and rapport.

They dull you

numb you

not because you can't love and lust a trans person but because most of the time it just looks like refuge instead of passion.

This isn't an IDENTITY!

This is a fucking disease!

Well I'm on the cure path and if any of you assholes fucks this up any more for me the second I've Got Mine

(I already stealth with my clothes on, my clit makes it pretty obvious with 'em off)

I won't be one of those reactionary trans women who have postgraduate educations in throwing their fellows under the bus but I won't see any reason even to care unless I see a kindred soul.

You are ruining it for us.

Almost every trans man I've met is a psychopathic misogynist and obsessive chauvinistic androphile

almost every trans woman I've met acts like a fifteen-year-old boy who's sublimed the usual giggling homophobia into this delusional elitist transbianism where you scorn straight women and treat lesbians like shit

and you're all professional victims about literally everything but the actual motherfucking victimhood in your lives.

And I hate you.

[remotely-radical]

You blamed so much on autism, ptsd, or any issue you struggle with. But I tried explaining one thing to you once earlier on, not even using the actual thing or anything, just tried explaining a genuine struggle I was having and how it affects me and why I struggled to meet one of your many standards.

You just got angry, flipped out on me, flat out basically said it was bullshit, it was a bullshit reason/excuse and I just need to do better...

Crazy remembering that now, realising how all of your things were always because of disorders or mental health or anything. I just accepted, I understood or tried to, I was patient and learning, and never told you it was just an excuse or bullshit that you're doing that. Even for some stuff I genuinely struggled to understand and couldn't make sense with, I just let it, and again, was patient and tried hard not to invalidate it.

Made me realise why I felt I had to have no flaws or faults, the need to be perfect. Because any imperfections I showed, I was shamed and met with anger and frustration that I'm not doing it the right way.

Heck, I couldn't even express the feeling of needing to be perfect and how im struggling feeling that pressure, without that being the wrong thing to say and have to apologise for even thinking that. Because suddenly that's another thing wrong with me, on me, my fault. What even was it?? That I was just blaming it on you and its just a thing guys say to get out of things??? I think?? Not sure, I understood what you wwre saying though, and also agreed with how they did that, but was so confused since it wasn't coming from that place, and it was just a genuine feeling I was feeling and that was affecting me, that I wanted to express. There was alot of these instances with similar vibes.

But also was so confusing because some moments it was met so gentle and loving, but then the next day it's anger toward it, that its my fault that was happening and i needed to repent and fix it. I was so confused most of the time. Trying to fix you, trying to fix me, but everything made me so much worse. You kept gaining more and more expectations, where I kept losing more of me and "performing" even worse. Which caused more problems and more things I needed to repent for and constantly make up for without missing a beat, or then it's moreeeeeee. Horrible cycle. I was trying to mend one thing, then another got added, so I tried mending that, then the other started to break again, which added more. So on so on. Couldn't keep up, I'm sorry.

Also at the same time, I had less and less expectations and standards for myself. Making constant excuses for you, but holding myself accountable for everything and needing to fix it, but in a constant state of drowning, I couldn't. I had to take the blame for YOUR actions, I had to take the blame for MY actions. It was heavy, and I was becoming weaker and weaker.

But yeah, I think back now, I put myself imagining if I said or did what you did to me vice versa. And I just know for a fact you would not be okay with it.

I started thinking thing later on during our time. Really put things in perspective, but I had to convince myself it's differnt, that you're allowed to act this way, say those things. Do those things etc, because it's soley my fault, my fault my fault my fault.

You're not accountable for any action you make, it's all me, I am in complete control of your choices, I'm the reason you do this. Since you tell me that over and over. It must be true. Must be.

Even now I still doubt myself though, going back and forth, doubting my reality, memory so fuzzy, what even happened. So much happened but I don't remember much. But also I remember everything. How, I don't understand.

Everytime I talk about you, it's never in the bad way to just drag you either. I say good things, how you're great when x happens, and sometimes you don't do x and it's only because I've done x. Etc etc.

It's funny how I immediately jump to your defence when someone says something bad about you.

Like random instances where I've been out. Talking to a random, venting, they don't know you, they don't know me. I just explain stories, how I felt, how I feel, how my brain was feeling during them. Again, not even saying bad things about you or calling you names, just how I was made to feel and what I did. Then they say something, say it sounds like I was in an abusive relationship, you were doing xyz purposely to make me feel xyz.

Soon as someone says something like that, I jump to your defence, realise I'm saying it wrong, I'm not telling it right, I'm saying it to make you out to be that, I'm manipulating them, I'm gaslighting them, I'm doing all these evil horrible things and say all these terminology words you used against me. That it was all me, I'm actually at fault, you're not like that, I've just made you like that, because I'm actually the bad, nothing is on you. Just full spiral into that and tell them all that. They just kinda be hmmmmmmmm okay.. something seems off about that.

So it's just all sorts confusing, because I have my brain being divided with telling me both sides and going back and forth of who's fault it is. Then I have outside people telling me it's not me at all. But I know that can't be true, I know it couldn't of been 100% you. I know there's areas and things I 100% could of worked on to be better and improve on, and I wanted to. But I was just so constantly overwhelmed, anxious, sad, confused. Struggling to do anything like that. (I'm sure if I said this to you, you'd say it's a cop out, excuse) infact I'm pretty sure you have when I've tried explaining this. (God, imagine me saying that to you when you told me how I was making you feel..)

Trouble is, it got too confusing to know what one's are the real issues. What was legitimately needing to change on my behalf, and what was just your own projections. It's so hard to know, one day I might be able to peice it together.

My mind will need to be ready and able to process. Because I have countless of note book entries and notes I wrote during those times. Things I deeply felt and talked about only in notes, things I could never say to you or anyone really. I know there's so much I've written. One day I want to full analyse it all. Break it down, figure out what was on me, and what wasn't. Even though I still feel to blame and go through phases of being "yep, 100% me" I think deep down I know the truth isn't actually that.

I'm also scared to go through all of it, will have to re live it, re feel all those feelings I've repressed and "forgotten". But I know it's how to heal too. So I will, in my own time. I love my own time. Which is an issue I had during those times. I didn't have own time, I had no outlets to just be in my own head for the amount of time I needed. I tried, I tried having space but that caused more issues, so even with my "own time" away, I still was overly focused on you and how you felt and how to fix everything. I needed to fix myself too, I was breaking too.

I feel broken still, the idea of being with someone feels so.. inconvenient??? At this time. Since I'm full doing stuff for myself atm, putting time into myself. Even keeping friends is hard and i feel I'm not putting effort into them as much. I only really have the energy for 2 really. Will have spurts of being able to manage a few replies to everyone else though.

Like sometimes the idea of someone is nice, I like it, but then realising the amount of time I have to spend on them is just too much. I can't fit it all in, it would be selfish to be with someone who needs my time when I'm using it elsewhere at the moment. The amount of downtime I need currently is just so much, any social interaction just drains me and I need to just be with myself for a while to recharge.

It just wouldn't be fair on someone.

Or, the opposite will happen again, I'd end up having no time for me and my stuff, drop absolutely everything for them, lose focus on all my goals, become this people pleasing person again and won't be able to rest till they are happy. Lose all my progress and just decline again.

I cant have either, it's not fair on either them or me.

I can't be with someone till I have a healthy balance. I need the courage to be able to set boundaries (and have them respected) for my own battles and things I gotta do from time to time. But not to be so drowned in myself I neglect them and have too much of my stuff going on.

And I don't even mean just my hobbies and lifestyle and commitments. Just simply mental things too, if there's times I need to stare at the wall for 8 hours, I need to do what I gotta do. But also I can't be in a state where I'm needing that everyday/several days of the week. But the occasional crash out is okay, respected and allowed.

Also me being able to allow that for them too, without feeling rejected whenever they are the ones that need their time.

Since that's another whole other issue sometimes too.

I can't remember what I initially was writing about. First time in a while I've not slept at all during the night and it's straight up morning now.

Damn, I used to have these nights all the time with you, the constant sleep deprivation, not being able to sleep, a million things going through my head, being constantly restless.

I stay up late still, but normal time, like 3-4am is a late. 5am I was pushing it the other night. But I feel tired, I sleep, and thats it, and start my day whenever I wake up. Not losing my mind every night.

I haven't had one of these in ages really... it's weird, its such a different feeling, feels like a different reality. I think differently, I feel differently. I act differently.

I had these nights often, pretty much always when I was at mine. Because I was so anxious and restless at mine, I think because we were always in some massive blow out and couldn't feel anything but us. I was anxious and stressed with you too, but in a different way, I suppose I could sleep because you were there and knowing you're physically okay?? Probably lots of things to it but that's part of it.

God.. I was so unhealthy wow..

Also Why Is my brain the most active when I'm the most sleep deprived. Make it make sense.

Like I have all these ideas and wants right now, I want to figure it all out, do all this work, but also I'm too tired to do it efficiently. But when I've had enough sleep, my brain just wants to play fucking cod or physical activities.

I need to sleep, I need to drive later, and I feel so wrong driving in this state. I can't stay up till then.

Just realised this isn't even my notes, how'd I even get on tumblr ?? I don't remember that.