#and even then?? i dont blame them!!!!!! it's fucking dire out there.

[theood]

Video I'm watching just made such a low blow comment of comparison. I hate to sound snobby but like, it's really rich coming from a YouTuber that "and Gen Z and Millennials aren't exempt from criticism because none of them want to work!" Like, I know that you know you chose the WORST possible choice. You know as well as I do it's not ugh these new kids aging into the workforce are SO entitled and #lazy

[grimescum]

other oc development thoughts (raymond, pam & fran, a little bit of jerry and a wip oc named mike)

raymond,

- debating having him be from new york, the accent doesn't really suit him. he's definitely a city boy but probably from somewhere a lot smaller

- has glasses, doesn't wear them (unless absolutely necessary) due to him getting teased for them as a kid

- definitely did some sports in his youth. he was the dorkiest jock you'd ever meet ngl

- slightly insecure about a lot of things. namely his nose, his guitar skills and his tendency to be a pushover. he gets a little defensive when teased about them but plays it off as a joke

- his confidence rises by 500% whenever he's on stage for some reason. he's wrecked a few guitars before because of it

- he's very scared of doing things that're potentially dangerous. he'd love to ride a motorcycle if they weren't so scary. he actually used to skate when he was younger, but he stopped after hurting his ankle

- he was a bit more rowdy in his youth, trying to play tough to combat his insecurities. he actually knows how to throw a punch or two because of this, but he'd never fight anyone again

- he gets his softness from both of his parents. loves them both dearly. they supported him throughout his school years and continue to do so through his endeavors in music

- don't know if I've mentioned it before, but jerry is his boss. he's kinda like a weird grandpa to him. jerry thinks he's a fucking badass and raymonds just kinda like eeeuh?!?! jerry is an honorary band member because he'll tag along to their rehearsals and offer advice, encouragement or background vocals. they dont take his advice. he sucks at advice.

- speaking of their band, right now it's compromised only of billie (the drummer) and another oc i've yet to flesh out but is up on my toyhouse. i might add more but idk how bands work really. no name as of yet, and they do all their rehearsals in raymond's garage

pam,

- very shady businesswoman, but doesn't actively scam people unless she's in dire need of money.

- doesn't have an actual business either. she just sells stuff she finds at a higher price. her sister, fran, is largely unaware of this, but if she knew she'd scold her and tell her to just let her do all the work. pam's only doing it to help support fran since she's basically the man of the household and very overworked

- hates the taste of cigarettes but wouldn't deny one if offered

- hasn't had a stable relationship in years. she mostly takes part in one night stands to quench her thirst for intimacy. she's very sleazy with how she goes about it, too. sees is like a game that you need a strategy for.

- she does have one friend though. mike steel (an oc that's still a work in progress) from the bar she frequents. they've sworn not to date, knowing the both of them were horribly unprepared, but it's debatable how much they really plan to uphold that promise

- she's okay friends with the bartender. fran actually sought out the bartender and very politely demanded that he bring fran home, had she ever passed out drunk, and that he keep an eye on her. she also very politely threatened legal action if he didn't

- pam was always pretty social and had a habit of dumping her problems onto others even as a kid. her friends would leave because they thought of her as a leech and a complete bummer. rather than working on changing this part of her, though, she blames herself and drinks herself into a stupor almost every night. assumes that that's just the way she was made.

fran,

- habitually masks her southern accent for business related reasons (wanting to be taken seriously) and for personal reasons (it reminds her of her parents)

- horrible anger issues that haven't been treated in the slightest. not even pam is safe, but she at least knows that fran doesn't mean whatever she says or does when she's mad. fran feels horribly guilty whenever she has an outburst and will isolate herself in her work for days at a time.

- may or may not have accidentally severely injured someone in a fit of rage before

- she's actually the youngest. pam used to care for her when her parents didn't, and now fran feels obligated to return the favor. even if pam is a freeloader. she still loves her regardless :'o)

- she may act like it, but she's not actually that much of a bitch. just incredibly awkward and socially constipated. doesn't know how to react to casual comments outside of talking to her sister, so she either doesn't say anything at all or responds in a very matter of fact business talk kind of way

- she has to remember pam's birthday for her, but she won't tell her since pam gets depressed and uses it as an excuse to get completely sloshed. fran will still give her a gift, but under the guise of something else

- hates alcohol but, with encouragement from her sister, will dabble in it every once in a while. she's a sad and sensitive kind of drunk.

- fran was quiet, shy. she never told anyone about her issues and hardly does to this day. kinda had to carry pam through school, but she ended up failing regardless. fran sees her success as an obligation so that she can care for her sister.

- idk what her job is still. i was thinking accounting? but still idk man i dont have a job im a freeloader /j

[otvlanga]

Any hc for Neloth as team player? Say he ends up in a group while investigating a dungeon w/ formidable enemies. Is he willing to give support? Or sticks to traditional Telvanni survival of the fittest? Can picture him casually spam AOE attacks not caring who gets hit, kiting enemies around while waiting on his magicka to refill between casts lol. Maybe it's different if he knows the party members? Does he provide covering fire for Meallana? WILL HE PROTECC TALVAS? :O

svsgvshgvs I love this question I love it. I dont get too many asks like this. Forgive me, for my response is a long MESS and probably out of character in so many ways but it’s okay, because this is Tumblr. This is Skyrim Tumblr and we don’t like Todd’s canon.

First and foremost, I don’t see him as someone who would really willingly throw himself in a situation where he needs to be a team-player unless he direly needed the help, or if it benefited him (like when he needed the LDB to help him retrieve the black book, for example.) He’d much rather handle shit on his own so he has total freedom to handle things as he pleases. 

In the event that it does happen, I can’t see him having a large group of people following him. In his mind, it would only be a burden for him. (Meallana’s the opposite, she drags her little posse of goons all over Skyrim like a travelling circus)

His problem in this situation is that he’s impatient, uncooperative, and stubborn. He always wants to do what he thinks is best, regardless of his level of expertise in the particular environment, and would get frustrated easily when others oppose him or try to take charge. While he may be perfectly happy lingering off to the side and letting others take the brunt of the damage for him, his domineering perfectionist attitude would ultimately push him to take the reigns around people who’s abilities he’s unfamiliar with/doesn’t trust. He’s reckless with his magic and expects them to get the fuck out of his way, only really doing the bare minimum to keep them alive. He’s likely to get fed up and abandon teammates if they take too long to follow an order, or propose a different route of action that he disagrees with. 

When he does need to go out and do shit with Talvas, I feel like he definitely does take total charge over the situation, covering Talvas’s ass and warding off enemies for him -- mostly because having to deal with Talvas getting killed would be so inconvenient and annoying for him, that he would rather just expend a little extra energy keeping him safe. He also doesn’t really trust Talvas and has so little faith in him, that it would be laughable to him to think that Talvas would ever be able to handle shit on his own. (poor guy :c) It also probably gives him some sort of satisfaction to re-affirm his power over Talvas by establishing his own magical prowess and to subtly belittle him by not giving him a chance. (After a while when Talvas finally learns to stand up to Neloth, this definitely changes)

Does he also keep Talvas safe because deep deep down he does care for him a tiny bit? Yes, of course. No, he’ll never admit that, and probably doesn’t even consciously address that part. He lets Talvas do the shit he thinks he himself is too good for, like clearing out spider nests, and going into crawlspaces to dismantle traps, and carrying all their shit. Probably lets Talvas get thrown around a bit by some bad guys if he’s being particularly annoying that day. He kind of uses Talvas as an atronach farm and basically tells him to stay out of his way while he’s handling business, and that if he doesn’t listen and gets hurt, he wont help him. 

Meallana is a really bossy person and thrives off of being in authority but she can surrender a lot of the rigidness when she knows she can trust her team-mates to like, not die. Her and Neloth are both incredibly powerful forces to be reckoned with (1000+ year old Telvanni master with Azura knows what up his sneaky sleeve, and Arch-mage Dragonborn with an electric glowstick of death and shouty powers, hello) and have 0 worries about the other severely messing things up or dying. They don’t fret about each other too much in combat, but they do stay keenly aware of each other because neither would want to get caught in their own crossfire -- it wouldn’t be pretty. (Teamwork is only really easy for them in combat, to be honest. She tolerates him bossing her around because she knows he’s always 5 steps ahead of everyone and way more experienced in magic than her.)

Meallana’s vision in her left eye is messed up from where her scar runs over her eye, so Neloth will usually linger off to that side when they’re in combat. He’d definitely stay off in the back and let her handle most of the up-close combat, opting to use long range spells instead. She’s the one with fancy armor and weapons after-all, she tanks hits for him while he covers her ass. If one of them gets badly hurt, the other blames it on them being stupid, and a lot of complaining ensues. They’ll heal each other if the other can’t for whatever reason, but they’re both definitely the type to do a shitty job on purpose out of sheer pettiness. 

They would honestly probably split up and wander around when they don’t need each other, and do their own thing when they aren’t both geeking out over some weird artifact they found inside a corpse. They butt heads a lot but I feel like dungeon diving is a good onec-in-a-while bonding activity for them. Meallana hates being stuck with one combat style though and probably occasionally drags one of her other companions along, much to Neloth’s annoyance. 

[baecvlt]

Better Late than Never

in which the reader was set up on a blind date by Sonia Nevermind with Kazuichi Soda

• Kazuichi Soda x Reader

• fluff

• fem reader

• original idea <33

BTW YALL this might sound accidentally self insert-ish but that’s because I gave the character interests (since this is a date fic) but I dont know anything else to put for them. anyway enjoy still.

“So, there’s no one there?”

I glared at her, death staring into her clear, blue eyes. “What the fuck is ‘there’?”. She sighed and lightly hit my arm. “I’m asking you if you have a crush, silly!,” she spat, yet her tone remained friendly. I shook my head. “I don’t find any of these people attractive, Sonia”.

“So you wouldn’t go out witj a classmate?”

“No, Sonia”

She stays silent, suddenly darting her eyes at Hajime. “How about him,” she asked,“Hagime seems like a nice guy”. I shrugged. “Not my cup of tea, really”. She then points at Teruteru,“And him?”. I looked at Teruteru, who was already gawking me. “God, no, Sonia,” I gagged,“Too perverted for my liking”. She then began listing names. Here is what I had to say for all of them.

Hajime: Boring

Nekomaru: LOUD

Fuyuhiko: Mean and short

Nagito: Psycho!

Eventually, she gave up. I didnt feel any way of them, who’s to know how I feel about anyone else at this school? “Fine,” she said, but her eyes lit up,“Oo! How about-”.

“Oof!”

He had bumped into me, knowing me to the floor. Kazuichi Soda: the Ultimate Mechanic. “Yeah, him!,” Sonia said. I looked at Kazuichi, disgust on my face. “Not in a million years”. “Huh?” (Kazuichi was madly confused). Sonia grumbled,“What’s wrong with him?”.

“What isn’t there wrong with him? He also doesn’t bathe!”

“Ouch, I bathe,” he said. “Why were you in such a rush anyway?,” I asked. He shrugged, but eventually sighed and revealed his reason. “I got excited,” he said softly. Sonia and I were confused.

“I just got updated on my— something. I’m going to the office to see what they have to tell me about this thing I’m in the middle of”

I was confused, but I had to know now. “Anyway, I’m sorry,” he said, walking right past us. I stood there, but Sonia got my attention. “Come on, we’re gonna be late to Economics”. She grabbed my arm and pulled me to class. When we got there, everybody was huddled up. There was something they were being discreet about. “Hello, friends,” Sonia said,“What are we talking about?”. “Kazuichi,” Ibuki said without the slightest hesitation.

Okay, maybe not that discreet.

“What’s wrong with him?,” I asked,“Besides all that, I mean”. “Cut him some slack,” Hajime said, now I knew the situation was a little more sensitive than I thought. Sonia and I both got our chair to listen. Hajime sighed,“This morning, I woke up and went to get Kazuichi for class. He wasn’t in his room. Later that day, I went go check on him and he was in his room, but when I opened the door, his eyes were just read and tired. I asked him is all was well, he only nodded and smiled. It took a while, but he still told me he was okay, now adding in the detail that the board had gotten back to him on his request to be transferred elsewhere”. My mouth dropped slightly. “Transferred where?,” I asked, Hajime only shrugged.

“This is all Sonia’s fault!”

We looked at Hioyoko, Sonia quick in defending herself. “He wouldn’t transfer schools because of me, it’s probably all your fault,” she was defensive,“Maybe if you weren’t so mean to him all the time—”. Suddenly, arguing broke out. I heard many things. Hajime said he hasn’t shown interest in her lately, Sonia seeming slightly offended. Gundham was blamed, Ibuki wasn’t being blamed (she was never cold with him). Suddenly, Mikan spoke out. “Wait!”. She yelled, so we were quiet. Surprised by her tone, it made us all shut up. “What if it’s all our faults?,” she suggested,“Y-You didn’t have to be cold to him. Who else besides Ibuki or Hajime spoke to him without immediately judging character?”. It made me think, but suddenly Fuyuhiko spoke. “Fuck that!,” he said,“The dude probably wasn’t enough to be here so they dropped him. He was also probably too embarrassed to say that. And the eyes? Please! They were red because he might be some type of pothead; high out of his mind!”. “That’s a really shitty thing to say,” Hiyoko said,“Even *I* know that’s harsh”.

“I don’t give a fuck; Its true”

Hajime shook his head,“I’m gonna agree with Mikan”. “Wait isn’t it like extremely hard to transfer from this school?”. “No, not quite,” Chiaki said,“When given valid reason, the board can transfer a student elsewhere”. “If in fact the mistreatment of Kazuichi was the reason he sought transfer,” Peko added,“He probably went with ‘mental health concerns’. Since we’re all of age, he wouldn’t need to run it by a parent or guardian, making it much easier for him to transfer”. There was silence. “So what now?,” I ask. Hajime had a quick answer,“We treat him better”. “Is it not too late?”. Peko shook her head.

“If Kazuichi really went to simply be spoken about the appeal, students are given three days to make their final decision. Afterwards, there is no going back since students are allowed an appeal once”

We all still sat there. Were some of us actually cold towards him? I mean, everyone else in the academy didn’t even acknowledge him (neither did some of us, but we were around more, right?). “Alright, studebts, to your seats now!”. The professor being there had us scurrying away from Hajime’s desk. Throughout the whole class, I couldn’t focus. I kept thinking of Kazuichi, but why? Why did I care about him leaving so much?

The bell rang, Sonia waited for me. Econimics was our last class every Thrusday. The minute I was within her reach, she continued the conversation from earlier today. “So, I was thinking: you can’t talk to boys for shit,” she said. “And?”.

“What if I set you up on a blind. date.— huh? How about that?”

I sneered. Blind dates—they were such a tacky idea to me, what the fuck, but this was Sonia. She always new what was best for me when it came to, well, everything. Plus, it might be fun, or funny?

“Oh, what the hell. I’ll give it a try”

Sonia smiled so hard, her eyes shut. She squealed. “I cant wait,” she said,“I promise, this’ll be good for you. Just you wait!”. She kissed me on the cheek, leaving me behind. “Wait— we aren’t going home together?,” I asked. She shook her head. “I have some things to take care of! See you tomorrow, love”. She hurries her way. That girl. I’ll never understand her…

“Hey, how’s it going? … Nice … Well, now that you ask, I was wondering if you were open to a blind date? … Splendid! Friday, agree to meet with this girl, here’s her number … Let’s make things more interesting … Don’t tell her your name … Yes, you do know her”

I got home, setting my book bag down and practically collapsing onto my mattress. What a day. Before I got in thought about all that I was told today, as if on cue, my phone rang. It was a message, one from a number I had never seen before.

???: Hi :)

I was friendly, I didn’t have to be.

Me: Hello :)

As if a second cue went off, Sonia texts me.

Sonia: Has your blind date messaged you? btw make up a name! dont reveal anything !

Me: OH okok

I return back to the unknown sender.

Me: sonia put you up to this ?

???: yes, ma’am (or sir, or i have no clue. sonia said you were a girl. sorry)

Me: hey dont worry, sonia said she was setting me up with a guy, so i assumed too. i am a girl and being called ma’am doesn’t bother me.

???: well you assumed correctly, but thank you for letting me know, ma’am i get unsure.

???: anyway, what’s ur name?

I thought of a good, normal name, but nothing occurred to me. I looked all around my room for an object. Suddenly, my eyes landed on the family camera I had left in my room whenI used it for a project.

Me: my name is cam, hbu

???: Zero

Me: Is that really your name?

Zero: no but it makes sense to me

Me: wdym?

Zero: itd just me i guess

Me: ur gonna make me sad booo

Zero: oops, sorry !

Me: lol Its fine. but seriously, I know there is someone who cares about you. if anything Is wrong. you can talk to me, even if our date friday goes to shit :)

Zero: Yeahyesh thanks for that, Cam. its just my friends, i dont feel seen by them and it just feels like my parents have followed me.

Me: Well, they probably really love you. if it helps, I care about you :))

Zero: you’re very kind

Me: aw noooo. anyway, how was your day?

Zero: it coulda been better. yours?

Me: yeaaaa same here

Zero: what’s wrong?

Me: found something out ab a friend of mine.

Zero: is everything okay?

Me: Yea it all should be if I can fix things with him

Zero: you must really care ab him

Me: yea i really do

“Zero” decided it’d be best to change the subject since he figured it was slightly depressive (which it was). From the time I got home (4am) to 12am, we talked. I was excited because for once in my life, I was speaking to someone who liked the things I did. The same movies, the same bands. He listened to a lot of new wave and indie rock. Eventually, I got sleepy, so we called it a night. He called me cute and let me go to bed.

I actually looked forward to our date Friday. I didn’t care who he was, for he was perfect.

Morning came around and I just wanted to talk to him. In fact that’s all I did. We texted in homeroom, Theater, Calculus, etc. It was Friday today, meaning we’d have to meet today after school, thus revealing ourselves. Sonia and I were in calculus and she noticed I wouldn’t put my phone down. “God, someone’s obsessed,” she teased. “He means everything to me,” I said, breaking no eye contact with my screen. Sonia went to Kazuichi, who I have class with for Calculus, Government and Chem (which we both failed last year). I couldn’t care to break my focus on my screen, but I did head him mutter “she’s perfect”. So Kazuichi found someone else? That’s fine, but will she care enough to stop him from transferring? Could be be transferring for her?!

As the day grew the situation began getting fucking dire.

I was headed to my final class, chemistry. I had my phone in hand, texting away and very distracted. Suddenly, just like yesterday: “Oof!”. I was on the floor and above me? Kazuichi Soda. “I’m sorry, oh my god,” he said as he helped me up. I shook my head. “Nono, this time it’s my fault,” I said, dusting myself off,“I wasn’t paying attention”. 

“I was also very distracted, heh”

I smiled, picking his phone up from the ground. His screen turned on, exposing that he had been listening to music. “Cocteau Twins”. I handed him his phone. “You like them,” I asked. He nodded,“Do you?”. 

“Yeah, I do”

“Cool... where are you headed?”

“Chem”

“Why so early? There’s a whole hour and a half till we have to be there, plus the 5 minute tardy bell”

“I like being early. Where were you going?”

“My room,” he said,“I can’t find my chemistry journal, so I figured I should look for it before class”. “In your room?”. He nodded. For some sick and weird reason, I felt bad leaving him to do that on his own. “I can help you,” I blurted, almost instantly. His face lit up. “Really?!”. His overly joyed expression brought a smile out in me as well. “Yeah,” I answered softly. He grabbed my hand and ran with me up to his room, having me keep up with him. We got to his room as my heels skid slightly behind him. When opened the door and turned on the light, my jaw dropped.

His room was a complete and utter mess.

“Kazu- how is anything gonna get found in here?,” I asked, trying to keep my tone as calm as possible. “Its manageable,” he answered, entering and starting to look through all his junk,“I haven’t had the energy to clean my room anyway. It hasn’t really bothered me”. I shook my head as I walked in. “No, this isn’t right,” I said, an idea coming to mind,“Why don’t you lay there and rest up a little? I’ll clean your room”. His eyes lit up. “Really?”. I nodded, a warm smile creeping up on my lips. “Well, okay,” he answered,“Thank you, sweetheart”. I couldn’t even react to the pet name. His hat rested over his eyes as he quite literally fell asleep before my very eyes. 

With that, I got to work.

Cleaning out his room, taught me a few things. He also happens to like the same films as I do, but he likes more action films. I also learned he has a much bigger wardrobe than I thought. Lastly, he isn’t as mess as I thought. He had everything one would need to clean, even owned a vacuum. It took me about 1 hour and 5 minutes to clean out. I hadn’t realized it was that long, time went by me like a breeze. I approached him and sat by him. In a pattern, I shook him carefully then played with his hot pink hair, which was softer than expected. 

God, there’s something wrong with me. 

He woke up and I removed the hat from over his eyes. He lay as he looked around, seeing his room uncluttered. “Wow, it’s like a brand new room,” he said happily. “Yep”. He sat up and smiled back at me. “Thank you,” he repeated. 

“It’s nothing, really”

His voice was still groggy, I could tell he was a little dazed after his nap. He lay back and laughed to himself as we sat on his bed. “What?”. He shook his head as the lazy smile on his face grew slightly wider. “You’re really pretty”. I blushed a little, and laughed nervously. “Thanks”. He sat back up again, we both had no idea what to do now, but look at each other. It was a comfortable silence. I could forever into his oddly colored eyes. 

I wanted him to kiss me, now.

I’ve truly lost my mind. I had no idea if it was just tension or anything but that. Would I like it or would I despise it. I decided to maybe test these waters, but before I could, he beat me to it. Out of nowhere, he grabbed my chin, pulling me to his lips. Kissing me skillfully, he lay back and I followed so I wouldn’t be away from him, leaving me straddling his lap. What a day to forget to wear shorts under my skirt. With how he kiss me and I kissed him, it was no secret we wanted this for a while now. The fact that I wanted this made my stomach knot. We pulled away, slightly winded. “That was so fucking hot”. I proceeded to tell him this never happened. He agreed it didn’t. Then he added:

“I’ve never done that before”

“Neither have I-”

Then, it hit me. Kazuichi was my first kiss.

“This must be a very shitty realization,” he said, laughing a little. “Shut up, let’s get to class”. He nodded, getting up from bed, seeing that his journal was on his now clean and visible desk. He picked it up and now we were ready to go. We were still early, despite distance and how crowded the halls were. We sat at our own table, usually we both sat alone since none of our friends had this class. We all knew each other, but we wouldn’t exactly call certain people friends. Anyway, during class, I was extremely bothered. I felt sick and I couldn’t stop thinking about that fucking kiss.

At all.

I really didn’t want him to leave. I couldn’t stand the thought of him leaving. I had to stop it, but why did I want to anyway. Is this pity? It didn’t feel like it; I can tell when I pity someone and this didn’t feel like pity. Could it be that he’s always been there?

I’ve never fallen in love before, nor caught feelings. Something about him felt so familiar. What has Kazuichi done for me?

I began to think and it all came to me. The times I had no one else to talk to so he’d be there, whenever someone has bailed on me I’d go to him. I’ve taken him for granted, yet he’s smiled through it all. To think I’d hurt him made me feel worse. “God, I hate this class,” he whispered to me. I broke away from my thought. “Oh, me too,” I answered,“How are you doing, though?”. 

“In this class?”

I nodded. “Terrible”.

I mouthed an “oh”. After a second, I offered a solution. “Well, you can always ask me for help,” I said. “Seriously?,” his eyes lit up like when we were in his room. God his crooked, toothy smile had me smiling, it was intoxicating. “Yeah, come to me anytime,” I said, getting quiet. This was quite awful. On top of that, I remembered I had a date after today. I didn’t even want whoever the fuck I had to meet with. As planned by Sonia, we were to meet at the bridge in between dorms on the third floor at 7pm (mind you, I don’t have a room in this school so there really is no reason for me to stay so late). Now that I think about it, it really sounds like more of a meetup than a date. Maybe it wasn’t so important for me to meet this mystery man. I can just text him I was no longer interested.

And that’s what I chose to do.

After class, I bumped into Sonia. She smiled widely when she saw me. “Oh my god, Are you excited for tonight?!”. Here I am, bursting her bubble.

“No”

Her smile went down slowly. “Why not?,” she asked. “I’m not going”.

“WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN YOU AREN’T GOING?”

That was probably the loudest she’s ever spoken. “I mean, I don’t want to”. “But this was important, what the fuck,” she seemed too upset about it. “I don’t want him,” I said,“I’m into someone else”. “WHO?”. I swallowed before the name came out of my mouth,“Kazuichi...”.She slapped her hand over her mouth. “I know its emba-”.

“THAT’S NOT WHAT I’M GONNA SAY, oh my god. You have to go still, don’t leave your blind date hanging, please. I’m begging you, please!”

I scoffed.

I nodded. “Fine, but I really cannot pretend to have a good time,” I said to her. Nodding frantically, she said she knows. Ultimately, it was my choice and she knew that. Sonia walked home with me, then said she would walk back with me when it came time to meet my blind date. She wanted be there for when he was revealed. I got a message from this man when I got home.

Zero: Hey, are you sure you want to meet?

  I raised a brow and showed Sonia. She covered her mouth, but quickly told me to say yes. So that’s exactly what I did. 

Me: Yeah

Zero: ok

  “He isn’t into it,” I said, showing Sonia the messages. “He will be”. Damn, she was so dead set on this and for what? “Come on,” she said,“We should get going”. I nodded, getting up from the floor we sat on in my room. Locking up, we swiftly headed to the bridge.

It was dark by the time we got there.

“Hello?”

No answer. “Maybe wait a little,” Sonia suggested,“He gets shy”. I turned to her. “Do you know him?,” I asked. “Of course I do”. She must’ve misunderstood what I asked. “No, but do you know him know him,” I cleared up,“like is he close to any of us”. She nodded, now I was really curious. A couple minutes passed and he still wasn’t there. “See,” I said,“Fucking no-show!”. My hands clenched into a fist. Sonia was getting closer to me, looking as if she had some consoling words to say, but she stopped. Smiling, she backed away. Then, I heard footsteps behind me. She stepped away from me, nodding towards me, but that was just a signal for me to turn around. I heard a gasp,“You?”. 

The familiarity of the voice—it all made sense now.

“You!,” I cried. My eyes watered as a smiling Kazuichi stood in front of me. I hugged him and I could tell he wasn’t expecting me. “God, I thought you’d hate me,” he sighed, relieved. I shook my head. “I’ll leave you to it,” Sonia said,“I have to go anyway; my ride’s here”. We waved her off, getting back to each other. “Wanna head into my room?”.

We headed into his room, snuck in, I’m not supposed to be here. He threw himself onto his bed as his hands made a gesture for me to get on. I straddled him like before and kissed him. “Someone’s excited,” he teased. I scoffed. “I’m not the only one”. His face turned red as he looked away. “Hey, Kazuichi? Can we talk”. He nodded, waiting for me to introduce the topic. 

“Hajime and, well, everyone else including Sonia and myself were talking and—”

“Yeah?”

“That you’re leaving?”

“Oh... yeah. I am”

I frowned, getting off him, now sitting next to him. He looked upset now that he remembered. “It isn’t too late now, is it?”. He shook his read putting his hat on his bedside drawer (me thinks this is the first time I’ve seen him without a hat). “Tomorrow, I go confirm my decision,” he said,“I feel... miserable in Hope Peak. I don’t belong here”.

“Kazu...”

“You don’t know what it feels like not having anything in common with anyone. Everyone being so fucking distant”

“I do know how the first one feels, but... we have each other to relate to”

“I just hate how this school makes me feel and I want it to go away”

He shivered as his eyes began to water. It hurt so much to see him cry. I never have. “Baby, look at me,” I said to him,“We all love you, okay? I love you. I’m sorry for being so cold towards you this whole time. You were always there”. He stuck his head into my chest and just let everything go. I played with his hair as he got rid of emotion. I lay his head down and straddled him again. Quickly, I kissed all over his tear-stained face, the taste of salt persistent on my lips. The kisses got him riled up and giggly once again, making him tackle me. I fell back on the bed as he did the same to me. He smooched me on the lips before giving me his final word.

“I’ll think about it, okay?”

I nodded, not pressuring him. I wanted him to be so sure about staying. I also wanted him to know that if he did stay, I would be there, always. “You need a ride home?”, he asked. I could have gone home, but I didn’t necessarily want to. “Aw, don’t you want me to stay?,” I pouted. The way I said it was so playful it almost felt like teasing. He blushed frantically answering,“Yeah, I do”. I then realized I didn’t have clothes to sleep in.

And no, sleeping in underwear could never be an option. (Not yet, at least)

“Damnit, I don’t have clothes”. That’s when he opened his drawer and threw some sweatpants at me. “You have a shirt under that one, correct?,” he asked. I nodded, unbuttoning my school shirt. it was a silk black undershirt, could be used as an undergarment or sleepwear. “Hey, I’m just gonna go out to the communal to wash up, okay?”.

“That’s fine, baby”

He smiled, heading off with his toothbrush and towel. Once the door shut, I with a I slid off my socks. I then stood up and took off my skirt. The clothing fit me kind of snug, but I didn’t mind. I lay back and waited for him patiently.

His shower was quick, well, in my opinion it was. His hair gave off a brisk scent, as he lay next to me. His eyes looked weak as he hug his face into my chest. It wasn’t in a weird way or anything, so I simply assumed he was tired. “Are you sleepy, yet?”. He nodded, his face in deeper. “I’m really sleepy,” he said softly. I ran my fingers through his hair like before and let him sleep. Watching how at ease he was in my embrace soothed me to rest. According to Hajime, he was usually a light sleeper. The slightest touch or noise would wake him up. He would shift around or mumble in his sleep. This time, it was different.

It was peaceful.

The next morning, I woke up and put on yesterday’s clothes. When I got to putting on my shoes, I felt him move behind me. “Good morning, sleepyhead,” I said sweetly. “Good morning, angel,” he said, his voice straining as he stretched with a grunt,“Time?”. 

“9:30”

He got up and threw on a pair of clothes that I have never seen him in. “You want a ride home?,” he asked,“I meet with the board today at 10. If I take you home now, I can make it back in good time”. I nodded, going hand in hand with him after he had put his shoes on.

I never knew Kazuichi drove. I recall him say he had terrible motion sickness, yet here he was driving me home in a borrowed car that had been worked on in the school’s auto shop class. I had nothing else to talk about and the silence was killing me. “So you can drive?”.

“I can drive”

“What about your motion sickness?”

He clicked his tongue. “Yeah, that’s always been there, always will be,” he began to explain,“but I’ve learned to ignore it”. He put his arm around me, smiling. I smiled, yet I was terrified. What if I wasn’t enough to make him stay? As he drove, I noticed he had nothing in mind. With Kazuichi, you can always tell when there’s something on his mind. Always. He’ll squint, mouth some words to himself...that’s how you know. It began to overwhelm me and I wanted to cry. I wanted to cry knowing there was possibly nothing I can say or do for him to stay. He may know I love him, but what if the timing was off?

Oh, well.

We arrived at my home, him walking me up to my doorstep. He kissed me, his smile dropping afterward. Fuck, he must’ve noticed... “Hey, is everything okay?”. I nodded. “Okay,” he said, uncertainty in his tone,“Well, text me if anything!”. I nodded, a faint smile on my face. I headed inside and lay in bed.

My memory of that Saturday and the Sunday that followed are fogged. I don’t remember leaving my room, let alone my house. Monday came around. I was nervous. I walked down the halls, Sonia standing and an expression of worry spread across her face. “Sonia,” I said,“What’s wrong?”. She gulped and I knew nothing positive would come out of this.

“Hajime hasn’t seen Kazuichi all day”

My eyes widened and I wanted to pass out. “No, that can’t be!”. I didn’t want to feel this. It was all guilt. Why, though? Everything seemed fine when we had last seen each other, it made no sense. “You haven’t talked to him?,” she asked. I shook my head. Sonia sighed. “Okay,” she began,“We have government today. Your only class with him. All we have to do is wait and then we’ll know for sure”. I nodded, trying not to let emotions get to me.

Now in government, I waited, We all did. None of us had heard a word from him. Soon enough, an hour passed: no Kazuichi. Tearful, my eyes shut as I placed my head on my table. Hajime walked up to me. “If its in any consolation at all,” he began,“Kazuichi really did like you. He loved you. I’m sure he knew you loved him”.

“Why the fuck do you make it sound like he’s dead?”

“I see how it would sound like so. I’m just gonna leave my words at that”

My eyes were burning and a headache began growing. Suddenly, there was pounding on thr door, pounding that startled the class. The teacher sighed. The knock was that of a late student, which obviously would’ve annoyed her considering this is a 65 minute class and it had been an hour or so. A student volunteered for the door and there stepped in a distressed Kazuichi.

“WHY THE FUCK DIDN’T YOU TEXT ME?!?”

I sniffled and my heart was beating out of my chest when I heard his voice and saw his face. “Kazuichi?!”. I ran up to him and hugged him, he was tense. “I was so worried,” he said. “That makes two of us”. I kissed him, he asked if I was okay and I nodded so frantically. “I didn’t text because I was sad!”. He hugged me tighter, kissing my forehead. I looked into his eyes, falling in love. Then I had realized one thing. “Wait”. He looked at me,“What’s up?”.

“WHY ARE YOU SO LATE?!”

“I HAD AN EYE EXAM!”

He walked to the teacher and handed her a doctor’s note. “You know I can’t mark you present right?,” she said. “You can’t mark me absent either, miss”. Yeah, he wasn’t the best student here. He walked back up to me and kissed me. “There’s like 2 minutes left,” he said,“Can we leave?”.

“Just go”

Being a nuisance paid off as we were all let out early. He grabbed my book bag and ran with me, pulling me by the hand. He took me to the back of the school, yeah, the very back behind the gym. I sat in his lap as he kissed me once more harder, now that no one was watching. I then faced him. “I thought you were leaving,” I whined. He ran his hands through my hair. “I was going to,” he said,“but I couldn’t do that to you, or to myself”. We sat in silence till I said,“Who would’ve thought?”.

“Yeah, in a million years, huh? What year we in?”

“Shut up”

I kissed him and felt him smile against my lips. “Don’t change, Kazuichi”. “Don’t plan on it,” he said,“I love you”. “I love you too”.

[popculturebuffet]

Final Space: And Into The Fire Review or Now with 110% More Homoerotic Telepathy

Welcome  new and old to my first Final Space review! If you’ve never seen the blog before, and given this is the first “new” series i’ve covered as it come out in some time that’s probably quite a few of you, welcome. I’m Jake, I do recaps and reviews of various animated shows and comics, mostly just stuff I want to do, often on comission (5 dollars an episode if theres any episode of the first two seasons of this show or any episode of any other show you’d like tos ee me cover), or for my patreon patreon.com/popculturebuffet. And it is my utmost honor to add this show to my rotating roster of shows I cover as they come out. 

I friggin love Final Space. I was intrigued by it back when TBS released the animatics alongside Close Enough (Wth the two shows ironically finally together on HBO max as of earlier this month), for their doomed block. I heard a lot of good things about season 1.. and let it get away from me, not watching it till Season 2. But both seasons had more than enough to pull me in with intriguging characters, even greater jokes and a truly unique idea for a premise involving giant monsters, an edltrich god and lots of cookies. 

So while it took an extra year given Covid, I’m super friggin pumped to get into season 3 at long last after the hell of a cliffhanger, especially since ironically last night I saw Steven Yeun’s oscar nominated performance in “Minari”. Now i get to watch him play a cat teenager again too.. and in a few days Mark friggin Grayson. It’s a good week to be a fan of his is what i’m saying and a good week in general. 

Previously on Final Space Yo!: Since it’s been a year and while the series provides  a recap , I’m going to be doing these anyway so:

Our heroes finally got all 5 dimensional keys and freed Bolo, and in the process also freed Avacato from Invictus, the horrifying entity controlling final space. Meanwhile Tribore got Sheryl to stop being a selfish prick and she joined the team trying to be a better mother from now on. But freeing Bolo came at a high cost as Nightfall sacrified herself as the sixth key (KVN was natrually both Gary and Bolo’s first choice, but was inllegible. ) So we ended the season with our heroes entering Final Space and Gary reuniting with Quinn.... while Invictus loomed. So over a year later we finally get some answers so join me under the cut for spoilers, recaps, and homoerotic text ahoy. 

Something i’m doing since both the roster keeps changing.. and as I correctly guessed from the trailer, and the general tone of the promos for this season, that everyone won’t be all together all season.. or even in one piece.. i’ll be doing a silver age style roll call to let us know who all we have on the Team Squad for the episode Roll Call: Gary, Quinn, Avacato, Little Cato, Ash, Fox, KVN, HUE, AVA, Sheryl, Bolo, and Tribore

So we pick up right where we left off, Gary tearfully reuniting with Quinn, with Quinn wishing he hadn’t come for her, and Gary being Gary naturally having ignored that, and actually been more determined since that made it forbidden which made it extra tempting and him want to extra do it. God I missed this glorious idiot let me tell you. 

So things are quickly interrupted by invictus, who turns out to be a giant flaming head.. thing... and chases them and the crimson light, which has to start speeding with our heroes tethered to the outside, Quinn holding onto Gary. 

So we get one hell of a thrilling chase as the Crimson Light outspeeds the demon head and runs into two titans, but Bolo shows up to take out one, with Mooncake trying his dimension shattering blast thingy on Invictus.. and naturlaly g ven this is the big bad we need to show off how horrying they are, and it does NOTHING. But Gary catches his little buddy so we’re alright. 

Sheryl also shows off her badass bonafieds by LIGHTFOLDING THROUGH A TITAN... granted she still has some parenting skills to learn as “lightfolding while your son is hanging out the back through an edltrich god” really isn’t a motherly thing to do.. but neither is trying to murder your child several times or blaming him for how shitty your life turned out so ANYTHING is a step up for her. 

But.. it’s not enough. While she does manage to kill ONE the Crimson Light is too badly damaged to go on and we get two tragic deaths in one go... The Team Squad is forced to abandon the Crimson Light.. and AVA is too damaged to Upload into HUE. “I’m Sad” “For who?” “For you.. and for us. “ God damn Tom Kenny is amazing. You don’t need me telling you that, but sometimes you need a reminder. 

So our heroes end up on a desolate mystery world, stranded in final space with no ship, no suplies and no hope. The only thing to do now is survivie and hope they can continue the mission at some point. 

ONE MONTH LATER

Things have not gotten any better, as naturally , our heroes have only found weird cartoon eyed worms that regrow their heads when you bite them off. So while this means unlimited food, it’s also disgusting and Garry hates it. “This may be a head but it tastes like a butt”. Quinn and Tribore are with him and Quinn hasn’t been ready to talk about her experiences trapped in this hellscape and still isn’t but being a good dude, Gary dosen’t push her on it. Though the weird red veiny thing on her arm tells me maybe one of you should speed that up before she explodes or gets cronnenburgy. Just saying. I’ll also say i’m not huge on the one month time skip, as while I feel they probably have a reason for being that specific i’ts a bit TOO long and I question why have that long a period of a jump, not the longest but still long enough for things to happen with nothing changingin that time? Still it’s a minor nitpick in an otherwise fantastic episode so I can let it go, I just don’t get it. 

What we do get is some Gary Corpses dropping and Invictius puppeting them... i’m with gary that is bowel openingly scary. I also do like how despite the FAR more dire circumstances, they still get in the requisite shenanigans this series requires. I’ts not to the network mandated subplot levels where it distracts, but it’s enough to help ease the terror of the situation and isn’t around for situations like the opening where it really SHOULDN’T be. As the series always has when something big happens, the bollocks goes away. Once we’re in between we can get back to literal pissing contests, KVN leading a crowd to their deaths and HUE in a pimp hat like god intended. 

So yeah our heroes have to outrun the horrible horde of Gary’s, though Little Cato catches on something’s wrong as Tribore makes gary cary him as foreshadowing for later and Sends mooncake down to asssit. Our heroes escape.. but a cave in happens.

After the break, Gary wakes up confused with the party now split in two: Gary, Quinn, KVN, Tribore and HUE on one side and Avacato, Ash, Fox, Little Cato and Sheryl on the other. So Gary does the logical thing... and take his shirt off telling Avacato to feel him. 

I mean I didn’t even ship them before this scene but... Gary claims because of their bond he can telepahtically connect with Avacato. That’s normal Gary shenanigans.. except not only does he shrug off his girlfriend asking why they can’t do that.. but it WORKS. We have a scene of the two telepahtically talking in a wheatfield that is so homerotic I guarantee there only wasn’t the Careless Whisper sax because they couldn’t afford it.. or their saving it for later this season. Look sometimes you don’t ship a ship because you just.. dont’ care that strongly one way or another and sometimes you just need an incredibly gay scene to see the light. Same thing happened with Weblena same thing here. 

Fox also says “that was glorious to watch” same man. That was freaking art. So our heroes split up into three plots. As usual for me

Team Gary: So yeah... Triobore’s pregnant. No way to really softball into that. He’s been pregnant this whole time. So we get a stupid and mildly horrifying gross out sequence with Gary having to look Triobore in teh eyes and Quinn having to “uncork him”. Which is code for ... you know what i’m not going to say it. If you’ve seen the episode you know and if not your better off not visualizing it trust me. Point is this whole sequence is dumb and the worst part of the episode by far. And the series CAN do good gross out. While Olan Rodgers regrets it, the pissing contest was one of the funniest scenes of season 2, and managed to make a gross idea on paper actually pretty damn funny. This.. this is just “Haha males giving birth and tribore’s an asshole”. There’s no joke here just a .. plug. .. gah.. the vomit is rising let me tell you. 

We do get something good out of this nightmare, Tribore’s son who hatches as the army of gary’s dig their way in, Quanstranstro, who rapidly ages into a stylsih spanish speaking adult badass. He is fucking awesome and a great addition to the team and the sheer.. oddity of his birth is wonderful even if the actual birthing was not. Then the climax happens so before that. 

Team Avacato:

Avacato and Co come across a sleeping giant robot cyborg .. thingy. Naturally Fox wakes him up. Little Cato remains not suprised. It occelates between panicking over it’s legs being gone and amenisa and is pretty damn funny. It’s voiced by John Dimagio. But it gets serious as we find out nothing has ever made it out of final space, and things.. change the longer there there. And Quinn’s been there several months if not a year. Whuh oh. This part is much better both due to better jokes and plot advancment.. though again Quanstrano is still fucking amazing. 

Team Bolo: Bolo meanwhile returns and fights a titan, and has mooncake help him rather htan join the others, but looses, hitting the planet with his body.. I mean he might not get back up.. but the impact shatters the caverns and causes an explosion. Everyone but Gary, Quinn, KVN and HUE are MIA, as our remaining party find earth floating overhead. 

TO BE CONTINUED> 

Final Thoughts: A decent start to the season. Like I said the whole birthing sequence can die in a fire and reminds me of the terrible comedy subplots adult swim wanted grafted onto two episodes.. but otherwise it’s a tense stark opener that sets up the bleak tone while still keeping the series rediciulous shenanigans in tact. It’s the perfect welcome back after so long. I mean the gay telepathy alone would make it a winner. 

Next Time on This Blog: We dive into a little history with HIsteria. See you at the next rainbow. 

[kewltie]

grumpy vet!katsuki is annoyed at animal lover!izuku who keeps bringing strays into his clinic because this isn't a fucking rescue but he never stop helping izuku care and find a home for every one of them. worst yet is that he can hear the voice of animals and they're like,,, pls mate with the cute human.

katsuki doesn't remember when it first started for him, but he'd always heard them. the animals are noisy bunch of fuckers with A WHOLE LOT OF OPINIONS and katsuki wouldn't say he love them but hearing their voice, knowing their pain and joy, he understands them better than he get humans. there isn't any pretense with the animals. they are what they are and they love, hate, and cry just as fiercely as any humans even though katsuki thinks they're simple creatures. he always been closer to the animals than other humans because they stay true to him. so yea he doesn't love animals but he finds himself relating to them more than his own species. it's not surprise that he became a vet because he get to work closely with the animals that kinda fuck up his life since he cant have any normalcy anymore so they're stuck with each other lol

izuku have always been fond of animals and they have always been super fond of him back. it's mutual love all around even though izuku def can't hear their voices but growing up izuku was heavily bullied and harassed and his only friends were stray dogs he met whenever he walk to/from school.  his bullies called him in mocking tone 'snow white' because the fact that izuku always attracting animals around him and whenever he go anywhere birds fly circle above him and animals have a habit of finding him. it's freaky. IZUKU WAS WEIRD so he finds comfort in animals rather than human because they don’t care or judge him. Animals can be simple like that.

while katsuki takes his strangeness and ability and turns it into a flourishing business because he's not going to let anything fuck him over; katsuki owns his power and isn't ashamed of it one bit. he just wish the animals talk less because they think they know BEST even more than him lol.  take for example his lack of love life because he's sooo busy at his private clinic and doesn't have time for others. as soon as he had graduated vet school, he poured his money and opened his own clinic because katsuki was never going to be alright working under someone and he want to do things his way.  now that his business is stable and he got several other vets (his friends from vet school) working with him, he has more free time but still finds himself working at the clinic on his day off because he's uh a bit of a workaholic?? also because he thinks human relationship is a complicated, annoying, and just UGH/o\.

his animals that AREN'T HIS PETS exactly but stay year round at the clinic because they're deemed unadoptable for normal shelters because of their special needs (i.e. blind, deaf, etc) so they constantly harassed him to find a 'proper mate' and produce 'offspring' already because he's wasting good sperm… lol  they legitly dont understand how a virile male like katsuki haven't found a good mate yet and katsuki REALLY REALLY would like them to stfu up with the nagging because he already got it from his friends and HIS PARENTS and now he's getting harassed at work by his own fucking animals.

his animals are actually a bird with one wing, a three legged dog, two cats (one blind and the other deaf). no matter what katsuki say, THEY'RE HIS PACK and they absolutely loves him. Some were surrendered by their owner because it was too much work taking care of a special need animal while his pack like the dog actually came from a fighting ring and got his leg broken by another. the two cats were from abusive households, and the bird was abandoned by her owner when she lost one of her wings. they're mix matched bunch of mistfists with nowhere else to go but katsuki took them in anyway. he said it's only UNTIL HE FIND THEM A NEW HOME, but they never leave him sobs. THEY LOVE THIS GRUMPY ASSHOLE. katsuki understands them and doesn't care if they're lil broken and damage and he's so, so good to them even though he's so MEAN ABOUT IT LOL.

so yea, they want more than anything for katsuki to be happy!!!!! for them that's mean finding a good mate and having babies because that is guaranteeing his future, but few humans can put up with their beloved katsuki,,, until izuku comes rolling into the clinic with a dog hit by a car of course.

izuku has no pet insurance and he doesn't even have any money to pay the pet fees because he's actually unemployed right now. he went through various jobs of all kind but because of his 'unique deposition' animals constantly flocked to him and made it chaotic when he's on the job. he was eventually was fire/asked to leave because it was inconvenience to them and though izuku finds it extremely hard to only last a month or two at his new work everytime, he never blame the animals for being the source of the problem because they ARE HIS HAPPINESS, HIS ENDLESS JOY.

it also made it harder izuku to have a 'normal' life when izuku would often drop everything to help any kind of animal in need. a lost pet, an injured bunny, an abused dog, etc and he would go to great lengths to ensure they're love and care for because they are the world to him. so when he saw a dog injured on the roadside, he stopped immediately and found the nearest vet clinic to bring her in even though HE'S OUT OF A JOB and is poor in cash but rich in heart :P.

at first katsuki put up a fight like he's not going to help unless izuku paid up because he's kind of dick lol. tbh he was just putting on a show because he can't have ppl thinking HE'S FUCKING WEAK to every desperate ppl coming in even tho his price is the cheapest in the area and he takes IN EVERY PET NO MATTER HOW DIRE but then izuku get teary eyes and promise katsuki his spleen if he would help. that is when he knew izuku is going to FUCKING RUIN HIM because then all the animals in the waiting room is giving him a stink eye and are like, "HELP THE POOR HUMAN YOU DUMB DOC". he just want to growl at them to stfu but the dog starts howling and everyone is making noises and he sighs.

he wasn't even going to kick izuku and the injured dog out anyway so he grits his teeth and let himself be bullied in taking in his new patient and a v v v concern izuku. he insistently hovers close by as katsuki perform the surgery on the dog's broken leg. katsuki knows the drill because worry pet parent is part of the job. "she will be fine," he tells izuku.

eyes wide with hope. "really?" he asks, looking all earnest.

"yea, i wouldn't bullshit unless i fucking know for sure," katsuki answers with a snort because he doesnt make empty promises. also because he's fucking good at his job. he takes in every case seriously and pour his blood, sweat, and tears into all their animals that come into his clinic until they're well again. katsuki doesn't love animals,,, he's FUCKING LOVES THEM in his own ornery ways ofc lol.

 esp the pets and animals that come through his clinic, they all have unique personality and stories to tell. they're not humans but to katsuki they might as well be because their life is as precious as any other human being and he wants to make sure none of them die on his table.

"okay, she's cleared from the surgery," katsuki says, informing an anxious looking izuku. "you can take her home in three days." he pauses for a moment with a frown. "consider the wee waived as my good deed of the year. just dont let your pet run off in the street next time."

izuku blinks. "she's not my dog. I just found her."

katsuki stares at him. "you were going to offer your spleen for a dog that isn't EVEN YOURS?!"

izuku nods eagerly. "i just couldnt leave her alone when she's hurt like that. thank you so much, bakugou-san! you're her hero!"

it's then that his life go from somewhat mundane (as much as a vet who can talk to animals can be) to become even more eccentric because of izuku. he somehow acquired another DOG into his pack bc no matter how desperately izuku tried to find her owner he couldn't. she also need a lot of dedicated hands on care but with no prior owner appearing, katsuki begrudgingly takes her on until she finds a new home. even worst, izuku makes it a habit to visit his clinic daily to check up on her and all the animals there perk excitedly at his appearance.

he easily makes friend w/ all the animals, esp the ones recovering from surgery/illness, taking special care of them while katsuki's pack is super curious w/ izuku and  keep hounding katsuki to pay attention to the cute human!! LOOK A VIABLE MATE as katsuki continues to ignore them

katsuki like to thinks he's a hardass but ever since that day izuku keeps bringing in his strays for katsuki to help and katsuki grumble his way through it but never turn izuku away bc as soon as izuku turn his fucking huge green eyes at him,,,, he'd fucking whipped that's what. and izuku has no money and no job, he started stay longer and help out at the clinic as a return for katsuki’s helping out the animals he keeps bringing in. so he just come to clinic pretty much everyday from morning and wouldn't leave till they close it.

his presence there calm the animals and they always look forward to seeing him everyday. even katsuki's regular clients are like, "oh did you hired a new assistant at the clinic? he's such a sweet and helpful boy."

katsuki, eyes twitching, grits out a, "no."

but at this point katsuki pretty much accepted izuku is attached to the clinic now because unlike all the strays izuku brought in with all of them eventually finding a new home later, KATSUKI IS STUCK WITH IZUKU even though this izuku had FOUND HIM FIRST and not the other way around. katsuki is good with animals because they dont take his bullshit and though he has his colleagues who he work with but they knew him long enough to deal with his prickliness longterm but izuku who he only known for a month or 2, sticks close to him and just smile through him being his asshole self. maybe it's because izuku is some kind of animals magnet disney princess bullshit because ofc katsuki would only attract the kind of person that is maybe part animals or some shit because JUST HIS LUCK that he takes in a human stray in the end and can't get rid of izuku even if he wanted to.

there was no point in fighting it now, izuku is here to stay even if he has a habit of attracting all kind of animals and ridiculous to katsuki's peaceful clinic. he ends up hiring izuku to work at the clinic even though izuku been working there for months already lol. izuku who always have a hard time having any permanency in his life because of his animals magnet deposition and maintaining any human relationship because they dont get his obsession with animals, immediately lights up at the news that he's here to stay WITH ALL THE ANIMALS AND KATSUKI.

katsuki who is mean, rough, and yells at him when he messed up but carefully teaches him how to fill out the health form correctly and lets him play with all the animals at the clinic. doesn't even blink when izuku smuggled in an injured bird and put UP WITH IZUKU'S RIDICULOUSNESS!! izuku is half way in love already because katsuki is a good man with the biggest heart around even if he deny it. he can tell by how much his pack loves katsuki, how they are happy and healthy they look and how they were deemed too broken for society but with katsuki they found a perfect home.

izuku doesn't understand the animals but you don't need a common language to see the way katsuki’s dog curl up in his lap when he's working in the office even though that dog is definitely way too big for it, or how his bird hop on his shoulder as he works. it's there in their body language and the way they want to be close to him. animals are honest, they express everything they feel with their entire body so katsuki can huffs and puffs about how he's not a good person but izuku knows. why else would katsuki not charged izuku for all the animals he bring in or get so brutally upset when he couldn't save one of their life.

izuku doesn't push for more because he's happy just having a room in katsuki's life with all these animals around them. while katsuki is SUFFERING because all his animals are yelling at him daily to: "FUCK MATE CUTE HUMAN BOY YOU USELESS TURD."

the fact that they're all invested in katsuki's love life is hilarious because they think he's completely useless at getting a mate and really want him to get it on with IZUKU ALREADY BECAUSE HE'S GETTING INTO HIS PRIME AND HE NEED TO PRODUCE BEFORE HE DIE TO CONTINUE HIS SPECIES!!!

katsuki has to keep telling them that IS NOT HOW HUMANS WORK but his animals keep offering advice like, "offer the head of your beloved's worst enemy as a courting gift", "leave a dead mouse at his house", "build him a beautiful nest" etc. it's great IF IZUKU WASNT A HUMAN. they critique katsuki's "courting skill" relentlessly because izuku is sweet, kind, love animals, and is perfect so like,,, can he hurry and snatch the cute human up already before some other bastard does???? because mating is a battlefield!!! you got to fight for your right to have him!!

at this point, with the constant nagging and all the animals being 'helpful', katsuki kinda just want lean over and tell izuku, "so do you just wanna fuck and start a family with me?" so his animals can stfu and also he'd might have lost his mind a lil there lol

[bladekindeyewear]

HS^2 bloggin’ mainline 2020-12-25

I’m not going to spend time BLOGGING an upd8 on Christmas morning!

...yes I am who the fuck am I kidding.  (Bonus stuff and Hiveswap are still well on hold though.)

So are we gonna follow up on the main ship?  Probably not, right, with that perfect Karkat point to cut away, right?  We’re just going to leave Roxy’s question hanging, as well as makeouts etiquette, and leave while having seen a COUPLE FRAMES of non-possessed canon Jade with only whatever fun fanart was inspired across the internet by the moment to tide us over????

Yeah, probably.

Ugh, more Dirk.  I guess it’s overdue.  :(

> CHAPTER 16. Welcome to my Secret Lair

Oh huh, I guess not?  So... Jane’s, or Rose and Kanaya’s?

Karkat stays for longer than John thought he would. They talk a bit, but mostly they are quiet. Eventually, Karkat gets called away on yet more important war business, leaving John with one final touch on the shoulder. John leans into it in response, though he’s a bit ashamed of chasing down a sliver of physical affection so soon after obliterating Karkat’s evening like he had.

Pretty much, yeah.  Can’t blame either of them.

When Karkat is finally gone, John still doesn’t move. It isn’t as though he has nowhere else to go, since there are quite a few places he might attempt to make himself useful, for better or for worse.

You’re still abandoning the task that was explicitly yours to protect your literal kid and his friends, but, oh well.  Low-point.  Dave dead, house dead, broke news, I get it.

He just doesn’t feel ready for that yet. The remnants of his house are still smoldering, and he can’t stop staring at them. It would make sense, he thinks, to want to root around through the rubble for anything that’s still intact; some half-charred keepsake to claim as the last thing left that’s still his. But he doesn’t want to do it, and he doesn’t want to think about it. And he still can’t move.

Can’t move.  No Breath huh?  What’s going to get him to, then?

> (==>)

Oh boy, that might help.  XD  She’s pretty good at that.

> (==>)

Still with the waistline gap.  And was his phone always yellow like his God-Tier shoes?

ROXY: hey john can u do me a quick solid ROXY: actly idk how quick itll be but its definitely solid ROXY: harry anderson says i just missed u being here but could u skip back on over?

Nice, huh!  No judgment, just a hey-any-chance-you-could-swing-back.  He sort of needs to be needed right now, in a simple, almost everyday non-judgmental way I guess.  (That’s what he NEEDED anyway-- whether he deserved it though is up for debate.)

ROXY: i need help w/smth and yr darling boy is holed up in his room working on some fuckin craft project or other and cant be bothered

YES SEW JOHN A BETTER FITTING FUCKING OUTFIT

ROXY: and now that me and u are freshly on speakin terms again i might as well take advantage of that olive branch and put u to work ROXY: assumin you havent died in an air raid, that is ROXY: which id also be interested in knowin about so if u wld be so kind as to reply instead of leavin me hangin

Heheheh.  Gosh Roxy is always the best.

JOHN: yea yea sorry im here. JOHN: i just had a hard time getting my phone out of these fucking tiny pants.

Hah.

JOHN: and also my house is bombed out so i'm kinda grappling with that. JOHN: but i honestly am not sure how much longer i need to sit around staring at it. trying to align my memories of my youth with whatever is happening right now so JOHN: short version is no i’m not dead, and yeah i can come back over there and help you out. ROXY: oh sweet yr alive and down to do manual labor its a win/win JOHN: see you soon.

Yep!  Pulled away from all the metaphorical, ultra-meaningful bullshit, back to some brass tacks with some easy humor.  Definitely something Roxy can do well.~

> (==>)

EXCUSE ME.  What is that outfit and pose.  Did you--

ROXY: sup ROXY: follow me ROXY: well were just going to my room so i guess technically u know the way JOHN: haha ok.

Did you invite him over for the manual labor of banging you while your son is sewing in the other room

Or maybe the labor is making him a new sibling.  JFC

Is this plan part of why we got the sudden content warning that was mocked or was that mainly for Hiveswap 

John follows, trying to shake the ominous feeling he got from what she’d just said. He’d been in and out of this house a lot in the past few days. Why should this be any different?

I DUNNO JOHN DOES THIS SEEM DIFFERENT TO YOU

> (==>)

Yea this seems like a fucc room.

JOHN: it’s not like i could forget! ROXY: ya i guess u only really saw the living room when you were here the other day but i have changed some stuff up ROXY: done a lil redecoratin here n there

So it’s MORE of a fucc room than previously >__>”

ROXY: may have to do a smidge more if my old bff decides im next on the list for bombing out ROXY: but so far so good

Ah geez.

ROXY: just a coupla exploded cars in the yard from some shenanigans our dear son and his friends were in but u kno it is what it is!!!

Well, that’ll buff out easy.

ROXY: can i get u anything? ROXY: just made some coffee JOHN: no, uh, i’m good.

Of course she has a fancy handled winecoffeeglass  (and the handle does look ridiculous but it’d be too hot to hold otherwise)

Roxy shrugs and swirls her own coffee around in her novelty mug. John looks around. A lot about the room is the same. The family photos, the rug. There’s a lot more cat stuff in there now, though. The bed is new. John feels like he’s about to take a test he hasn’t studied for. He makes himself focus on what she’s saying.

That would be the feeling.

> (==>)

MY GOD.  Roxy is so fucking good at this holy shit

She KNOWS she’s making him squirm and she loves it

JOHN: so uh anyway. JOHN: what was this favor? ROXY: yo why dont u just come rest yr tush for a bit ROXY: take a lil relax next 2 me here JOHN: haha uh. JOHN: roxy i uh. JOHN: im flattered, but i don’t know if that’s really the right step right now. JOHN: don’t get me wrong, everything seems so fucked up right now that when i try to think about what might actually BE the right step, it feels like a huge cartoon question mark might physically manifest over my head. JOHN: but I’m not sure if um rekindling our physical relationship is really the best--

So is Roxy trolling him, about to reveal she wasn’t thinking of sex and was just making things seem sultry?  Or just had “lol jk” as an option-select, maybe.

> (==>)

ROXY: r u kiddin me rn egbert JOHN: i’m not? unless you were, in which case yeah lets say i was also kidding. JOHN: oh my god, i’m sorry, i don’t know why this making me freak out.

OH NOOO NOT THE DISDAAAAIN - CRITICAL HIT D:

ROXY: i remember our past boot knockin with fondness but that is a situation im not interested in revisiting

boot knockin XD

ROXY: look john ROXY: i was trying to be polite about it ROXY: offering u sustenance n rest n all ROXY: but you look like shit ROXY: i just wanted to catch up on the whole heinous war situation were in and maybe check in on e/o before leaping strait to the real n actual nonsexual manual labor favor i have in mind for u JOHN: oh.

Hey, she can’t help looking sexy she’s too good at it.

Is the manual labor moving the crashed cars?  Can’t Roxy pull that off on her own, or... banish the cars to the void or something?  (Oh, but WOULD she want to do it on her own when she can rope in John and bring him down to earth by giving him a useful task?  And admittedly his strength and wallet would make things easier.)

John feels his shoulders unbunch. Of course. Yeah. He’s almost embarrassed by how relieved he feels. So what if his ex wife wanted to hook up? Shouldn’t that be a situation he could navigate? Don’t people like to find solace in human physical connection during dire times? Why did the idea of it make his mind white out in panic more than, say, any number of the traumas he just experienced?

Probably some gender stuff mixed up in there too, June.

He doesn’t know, but he believes Roxy that he must look pretty haggard. He probably feels haggard? Maybe sitting down will feel better.

Just put your feet up yeah

> (==>)

WHAT A CUTE IMAGE

JOHN: sorry. like i said, my "how to react to stuff" meter is completely fucked right now. ROXY: thats fair bud

she’s used to being patient with you don’t worry otherwise you never would’ve gotten this far

ROXY: real fast i do need to do a quick takeback of all that shit i said last time we talked about janey not being literally the most evil person we knew or whatever ROXY: i guess i was hopped up on arguin or somethin since that was before we hit our conversational vibe bc of course u were right and i shoulda listened

Ouch.  Yeah, we saw just lately just how far off the deep end she was.  (Where was that funny upd8 reaction art summarizing the bit where Kanaya was holding Tavros hostage and Jane was transparently debating “hmm do I let my son die?” and Kanaya and Tavros were just looking at each-other flat-mouthed nervous?  I REALLY wanted to share that but I don’t usually want to reblog or put most stuff HS^2 not under a read-more, for spoiler purposes, usually.)

ROXY: im just glad ur ok ROXY: or like alive JOHN: yeah, jury's still out on "ok" but, you know. ROXY: ya ROXY: u said ur house is gone?? JOHN: yep. JOHN: completely. ROXY: jeez ROXY: i would ask how ur feelin but like the answer 2 that has got 2b "prtty bad"

Talk it ouuuut~~  get those feels out there and articulated john

JOHN: yeah. JOHN: i mean. JOHN: no? JOHN: it’s weird. JOHN: it feels like it should be a bigger deal, I guess? JOHN: like it’s my HOUSE. JOHN: but mostly it always felt like my dad’s house? JOHN: and when i started living there after i moved out of here, it was like i crammed myself back into whatever was left of my kid self? JOHN: and it didn’t feel good, but it at least was familiar, you know? JOHN: like living there let me feel closer to my dad, trying to be like the way i remember him, or like how i remember him wanting me to be, or something? JOHN: and i didn’t realize how much i hated doing that until i saw it all go up in flames. JOHN: so i guess i could have used my powers to stop the fire and save whatever was left of the place, but i couldn’t bring myself to do it. JOHN: like some fucked up part of me was glad i got there too late? JOHN: so i just sat there, watching, trying to figure out why watching my house burn down felt like i was being released from prison. JOHN: and even now i keep trying to explain it away, as though it’s because of how fucked up everything else is that it made me feel good. JOHN: but that’s just bullshit. JOHN: it DID feel good. JOHN: i DO feel free. JOHN: sorry.

I was kind of saying some Breath/Blood stuff at the time of him losing his last tie to his stubborn sticking-to-his-kid-self bit?  Except now we’re mixing it in with June Egbert and his gender-identity questions too.

ROXY: no need 2 apologize ROXY: we just delved in2 my whole gender thing last time so it seems fine for u to have a turn JOHN: i didn’t say it was a gender thing.

Oh shit

ROXY: well no i just meant like i did some sharing ROXY: like referrin 2 the topic i brought up when we chatted last ROXY: but like now that u mention it ROXY: *meaningful pause* JOHN: … JOHN: i JOHN: ROXY: lol well we can move on 2 the favor part if youd rather ROXY: stick a lil pin in that topic n come back 2 it when u have had sleep

Are you just INCREDIBLY incisive Roxy or have you and John talked about this before?

ROXY: like i said the other day its not like this shits figureoutable in 1 sitting anyways JOHN: yeah... ROXY: sooooooo ROXY: movin on

It’s just fine for Roxy to slow-roll this yeah, if she’s going to pry open that door a little

ROXY: dont be mad but theres a part of the house u didnt know abt the whole time u lived here JOHN: what? ROXY: yea ROXY: i got a secret lair ROXY: for my sciences

OH FUCK YES SCIENCE LAB, of COURSE Roxy would want a cool science lab basement because she always wants a cool science lab basement

ROXY: and i get to it via a transportalizer underneath our bed ROXY: which is 2 heavy 2 move by my lonesome so i just needed to borrow some o your aforementioned powers of wind

Okay no.  Wait.  What the fuck?

First of all, as funny and MSPaintAdventures-y as furniture being in the way of things is, why would you block it with a bed too heavy to move, but,

Second of all, more importantly, how is a GOD-TIER ROXY not strong enough to lift a heavy bed?!?!?!?  Either she’s lying to get John involved in things or this is a gendered cop-out because these characters are superheroes at the TOP of their echeladders, given obnoxiously powerful video-game strength and athletics only to then have ascended into DEITIES.  God-Tier Roxy could probably have lifted a bed like that when she was SEVENTEEN!  And now she’s an ADULT, out-of-shape or otherwise!  If this were a whole CAR I might be willing to handwave it, but just a heavy BED?!?  And none of the GUYS are going to have this much trouble lifting a bed like this, are they??  This just feels like following classic cartoony gender tropes in the complete absence of these characters’ super powers, what the fuck, and also Roxy if you didn’t make it Transportalizer-only access you could have given it an entrance you could phase through with your fancy powers to get to.  FUCK.

This feels stupid.

ROXY: so if u dont mind woosh away JOHN: uh ok, well... JOHN: a secret science lair, sure, i can deal with that. JOHN: why not! JOHN: it doesn’t work out great when i do the windy thing indoors, though. ROXY: aight then no wind bending just use your mangrit

Roxy flexes, the corner of her mouth pulled up into a familiar grin. John feels his guts, so recently calmed, twist up into knots again. Her eyebrows shoot up and the smile loosens. He must have shown something on his face.

You’re already THIS sensitive about gendertalk?

ROXY: ok or just like push when i push ROXY: we both got sick muscles ROXY: no other adjectives necessary JOHN: yeah ok. ROXY: on 3?

Please, please reinforce the idea that they both have sick strength, because they fucking do and the idea that Roxy actually a hundred percent NEEDED John to do this is BS.

> (==>)

JOHN: holy shit? ROXY: sorry to lop yet another huge scoop onto ur lil brains ice cream revelation sundae JOHN: so wait, if this thing's always been under the bed, how’d you get down here before without me? ROXY: well thats neither here nor there john JOHN: i mean it is kinda. Here. ROXY: fine ok checkmate ROXY: i dont ACTUALLY need ur nerdgrit for this escapade ROXY: like im sorry but i said it ROXY: i mostly just wanted to see you and show u wats down here

THANK FUCKING CHRIST.

If that wasn’t actually just a lie to get him involved I was going to stay SO mad.  Of COURSE Roxy can move a fucking BED no matter how heavy it is.  OF COURSE.

ROXY: and also uve been ~sent for~ JOHN: ok but like ROXY: john i am inviting u 2 my inner sanctum ROXY: i am literally bringing out the word "sanctum" in case u werent already clued in 2 how cool this is ROXY: so do u wanna go into my secret lair or wat JOHN: yeah!? JOHN: yes? i guess? ROXY: aight good

Yes John of course you want to stop fighting it

ROXY: then as they told me in the hospital before lil h a was born ROXY: just push

eyeroll, but yeah, of course

> (==>)

Oh cool, sprite form version of her loungewear.

> (==>)

Sorry for my compulsion to post every full-frame image of Roxy in this awesome outfi-WERE YOU KEEPING CALLIOPE UNDER YOUR BED THIS WHOLE TIME?!?????

That’s like... almost a fucking metaphor isn’t it????  For the relationship you preferred in the other timeline and possibly THIS one TOO or

ROXY: hey callieee i got him ROXY: o damn john sorry i shoulda also told u callies here weve been hangin out again ROXY: 1 more freak for ur bean

Oh huh, so this isn’t an always thing.  And these two can get close in more than one timeline where it would’ve worked out nicely.  :)

JOHN: oh it's ok, my bean feels pretty well adjusted to freakage at this point so keep them coming if you like! ROXY: k cool i will JOHN: do i get to know what that big thing under the sheet is? ROXY: hmmmmmm no JOHN: oh ok. JOHN: are you sure? i mean, it seems like a pretty prominent feature of the room. JOHN: space. JOHN: wherever we are. ROXY: and a totally mysterious n COMPLETELY inconspicuous feature it will have to remain for now ROXY: we r kinda in a hurry here fyi ROXY: and by that i mean ROXY: we are in precisely the amount of hurry that means im excused from having to a that specific q rn JOHN: right, sorry. JOHN: i will pay no attention to the object behind the curtain. ROXY: u catch on fast egbert ROXY: anyway theres more cool info coming so just follow me

I don’t have any big theories.  Is it just the Hiveswap device or something?  If Calliope helped with it it’d help explain the Cherubic theme.

> (==>)

JOHN: so... this is all downstairs? JOHN: it seems like you had a lot of work done. ROXY: well no not x actly ROXY: were in the old meteor JOHN: under the house??? ROXY: ok so ROXY: in hindsight it may have been a bit misleading 2 say like ROXY: "downstairs" ROXY: in reference to a place which is hells of buried underground and may not actually be literally under the house ROXY: but there is no time to explain all that rn john so instead im going to refer u to my adorable little green friend here CALLIOPE: #U_U# ROXY: (hehe) CALLIOPE: *AHEM* CALLIOPE: hi john! CALLIOPE: long time no see. ^u^

Cherubs just really like dark cavelike places full of weird tech don’t they.

> (==>)

THEY’RE SO CUTE

JOHN: oh, uh. hey callie! JOHN: it sure has been a while huh. JOHN: now that i think about it, the last time the three of us hung out like this... CALLIOPE: was when i was aggressively third wheeling yoUr prenUptial coUrtship? CALLIOPE: if yoU dont mind, john, i'd rather not rehash that period of oUr lives. CALLIOPE: it was more than a little painfUl for me. JOHN: oh. JOHN: god, jeez, i'm sorry. i didn't mean to-- CALLIOPE: hee hee john i am only pUlling yoUr leg, don't worry. CALLIOPE: if anything i was personally a little thrilled with how things shook oUt in that respect. CALLIOPE: imagine, if yoU will, a yoUng cherUb raised in solitUde, whose only solace was the convolUted and tUmUltUoUs romantic schemata she projected onto her only friends from another Universe. CALLIOPE: and then fUrther imagine that this yoUng cherUb, throUgh varioUs even *more* convolUted contrivances, ended Up in the company of those selfsafe friends as an eqUal participant in their sphere of social discoUrse! CALLIOPE: it is a joy the like of which yoU possibly cannot fathom. u_u

Reinforcing that things turning out this way was in fact the FANTASY that Calliope was writing over in the Canon timeline.  Just, heavily, HEAVILY implied that the Candy timeline is -- or at least originated as -- Calliope’s fanfiction as a Muse of Space, and its competition for audience interest with canon is the essential conflict between alt!Calliope and Dirk (or Dirk and Andrew Hussie).

CALLIOPE: so to pUt it simply, getting to experience sUch emotional drama myself was an impossibly enriching experience. CALLIOPE: possibly a first for my species! CALLIOPE: it's actUally qUite interesting, if yoU ROXY: *nudge* CALLIOPE: oh, right. yes. i'm getting a little carried away, haha. CALLIOPE: argh, i'm sorry, this is not how i planned to begin this vital conversation.

Vital conversation?  What sorta truth-bombs are coming?

CALLIOPE: but to sUmmarise, what i was trying to say is: CALLIOPE: don't beat yourself Up aboUt it john. CALLIOPE: besides, hUman divorces are even more fascinating than i had ever imagined, and being able to witness yoUrs in motion was an honoUr. CALLIOPE: so i consider Us aboUt even at this point. JOHN: hahaha!!! JOHN: okay, well that's good to know! CALLIOPE: ^u^

Holy SHIT that was savage!  And we’ll NEVER know whether or not she really intended it so savagely, either.~

JOHN: so um... JOHN: i hear that there's this big secret thing you wanna tell me about? CALLIOPE: oh right, yes of course! CALLIOPE: let me jUst say first of all how thrilled i am that yoU're on board. CALLIOPE: i wasn't sUre if yoUr natUral inclinations woUld have preclUded yoUr coming to such a place as this, and yet here yoU are. CALLIOPE: this whole endeavoUr will be *so* mUch easier with yoUr help.

Uh oh.

Hopefully babies aren’t involved.

JOHN: oh! well, shucks. JOHN: not really sure what that means but i'm just glad to be of use somewhere, haha. JOHN: which, speaking of somewhere, CALLIOPE: ah right, right. yoU're probably a little cUrioUs as to where the dickens we are. CALLIOPE: how much do yoU know aboUt black holes? JOHN: um... like, the big space things? CALLIOPE: they aren't always big actUally, and in fact their relative smallness is practically their defining qUality. JOHN: oh. CALLIOPE: bUt okay i think we are on the same page. CALLIOPE: so, what if i told yoU that we are inside of a black hole right now.

Oh dear, we’re getting into the canon/noncanon divide?

JOHN: um... JOHN: like, HERE? JOHN: we just transportalized into a black hole? CALLIOPE: no, i mean, what if oUr whole WORLD was inside a black hole. JOHN: ok.

Yeah, that’s gonna be John’s reaction.  “ok.”  Pretty much inevitable.

CALLIOPE: earth c, or at least oUr version of it, has, from the moment we crossed the victory threshold, been inside a black hole. JOHN: ok. CALLIOPE: and not just any black hole, bUt the very black hole in which the green sUn Ultimately met its demise, allowing oUr victory in the first instance! JOHN: huh! ROXY: ("huh!") ROXY: (rofl my fucking ao egbert) JOHN: (shhhh!)

And Roxy enjoys his non-reaction reactions as much as we do, hehe.

CALLIOPE: bUt, paradoxically, the critical moment which determined its capture within the black hole happened *after* that point. CALLIOPE: i refer of coUrse to yoUr decision not to retUrn to the mediUm and fight my brother. JOHN: wait, wait. JOHN: you mean, the meat and candy thing? JOHN: oh my god. JOHN: you mean i actually DID make a mistake that day. CALLIOPE: well, that's not exactly what that-- JOHN: ugh, i fucking KNEW it! JOHN: i'm so sorry. JOHN: i'm so sorry that i put the earth inside a black hole everyone. ): ROXY: john ROXY: listen ROXY: u have got to get out of this mindset i am begging you JOHN: ):

Yeah shake him out of this shit.

ROXY: your choice literally didnt matter ROXY: the whole thing was symbolic in the first place ROXY: literally symbolic in the case of the picnic i mean come on ROXY: it was just some steak and a plate of candy suckers JOHN: oh. CALLIOPE: i mean, i wouldn't go so far as to say that the meal we shared was unimportant, given the sacred significance of the two options i presented. CALLIOPE: but yes, yoUr choice of snack was infinitely less important than the choice which it presaged. CALLIOPE: and even then, calling it a choice woUld be sorely misleading. CALLIOPE: think of it like a coin flip. CALLIOPE: the series of events that led to Us being trapped beyond the event horizon of an Ubermassive black hole could be considered "tails", while the events which would have occUrred otherwise could be considered "heads". CALLIOPE: since both were possible, and paradox space is the way it is, they actUally both happened. and we jUst "happened" (hee hee) to get tails instead of heads. JOHN: you mean we ended up with the bad possibility. CALLIOPE: not at all! since both possibilities depend on one another's existence, it really doesn't make sense to call them "right" or "wrong". they both just "are". JOHN: o...kay... CALLIOPE: u_u

Yeah, it’s going to take a bit more than that to convince him he didn’t make the “wrong decision”.

CALLIOPE: i realise that this may be a lot to process. CALLIOPE: it's easy to forget that this wasn't obvioUs to everyone from the beginning. CALLIOPE: anyway, the reason i went on this tangent in the first place was to explain that the space we are standing in right now has a special significance, in that it is the location which corresponds to the black hole's singUlarity. JOHN: oh, wow. JOHN: um. JOHN: ok so, sorry if this is a dumb question to ask suddenly, but what does being inside of a black hole actually... mean for us? JOHN: is that bad? JOHN: is it like in movie, um, JOHN: shoot. JOHN: roxy what was that matthew mcconaughey movie from your earth that we watched? ROXY: u mean interstellar JOHN: RIGHT. JOHN: the one with the organ. JOHN: man. i cried at that movie so much. ROXY: lol u can say that again ROXY: iirc at least part of y u got so weepy was the fact that u couldnt believe a version of earth existed where ppl got 2 watch more mcconaughey films than you JOHN: listen. JOHN: i simply don't think you all appreciated the gift you were given. CALLIOPE: i don't believe i'm familiar with this particular film ^u^;; ROXY: oh dont worry cal you didnt miss much JOHN: (gasp)

This is all gold

ROXY: but the important point is that no its not really an interstellar type situation here egbert ROXY: ur not gonna enter a weird time vortex and change the trajectory of a little girls life with the power of love JOHN: aw.

Dammit, now we have to be on the lookout for that possibility.  Or it did sort of already happen more than once to John.  ...Whatever.

CALLIOPE: to go back to your original question, john. CALLIOPE: it's not strictly speaking "bad" for Us to be inside of a black hole, mUch thoUgh that contradicts most of what anyone knows about them. CALLIOPE: of coUrse, if we had fallen into it, that woUld be a whole other kettle of fish. CALLIOPE: the tidal forces woUld have stretched Us all into spaghetti and then ripped us apart! CALLIOPE: bUt the natUre of oUr arrival was more akin to simply "being" here, sUddenly. one moment we were not, and the next moment we were, and somehow always had been. CALLIOPE: in everyday, practical terms, being inside of a black hole has very little bearing on Us. CALLIOPE: i mean, the natUre of space and time is a little finicky in here, bUt for the most part it doesn't seem to be anything too oUt of the ordinary. CALLIOPE: bUt beyond that, it means that we are sealed away from the rest of existence. CALLIOPE: oUr sphere of inflUence is limited to the sphere of the black hole's bounding horizon. CALLIOPE: as far as everyone else is concerned, we might as well not even exist! JOHN: is there no way we could let anyone know that we're in here...? CALLIOPE: almost certainly not!

No?  So this doesn’t have to do with the divide?

CALLIOPE: there are very few ways for anything to escape the kind of predicament that we are in right now. one of them is to be an all-powerfUl being with control over the very fabric of space, with the energy of two Universes at yoUr disposal. CALLIOPE: in which case, escape woUld become rather trivial, if a little Unscientific. JOHN: ok. i am going to assume that we can't just do that. CALLIOPE: yoU've hit the nail on the head, UnfortUnately. U_U CALLIOPE: the method i described was the one employed by my alternate self, who yoU may recall crashed through the event horizon in the body that once belonged to jade harley. CALLIOPE: she departed through a pUnctUre she created in the black hole's surface shortly after consUming my brother, a deed which provided her with the necessary "oomph", and which was frankly rather breathtaking to watch. =u= CALLIOPE: bUt Upon her departUre, the rift closed for good. as far as i can see, there's simply no way for Us to commUnicate with the world oUtside the black hole.

What the heck?  Calliope SAW all this?  Is this her Muse powers at work, letting her observe these things, or was she there?  And John certainly did NOT see ANY of what Calliope just said happen.

CALLIOPE: i woUld certainly be very sUrprised to find oUt that anyone had managed sUch a thing!

So we’re going to find that out if we haven’t already.  Maybe something to do with the way Vrissy just conks out narcoleptically?

JOHN: ...right. JOHN: so... let me just get this straight. JOHN: knowing that we're inside of a black hole... does that actually change anything? JOHN: like, can't we just go on living like normal? CALLIOPE: oh absolUtely not. CALLIOPE: i don't know if yoU've noticed john bUt this world is on the brink of a total cataclysm. JOHN: oh.

Um, what?

CALLIOPE: oUr exclUsion from the overarching coUrse of events which governs all reality means that oUr existence here is liable to dramatic and violent Upheaval. CALLIOPE: to pUt it another way, becaUse nothing in here "matters", we are likely to be sUbjected to things which are a bit bats in the belfry, for no reason other than it's totally insignificant to the wider canon of reality. CALLIOPE: and mUch thoUgh i am personally titillated by some of the conseqUences of this predicament, it is a degrading way for Us to live. u_u JOHN: that's... certainly one way to put it, yeah...

No plot-armor for your entire timeline, I guess, yep.  Outside of canon, we can imagine and write about ANYTHING happening to the characters, or just drop their existence entirely, much like a doomed offshoot timeline.  It’s a plot stability that depended heavily on the threat of Lord English and being trapped in a story, and without it things are bound to see a BIT chaotic (or “degrading” if you view it as subjected to the whims of fanfic writers, certainly).

CALLIOPE: at first, i believed that this was simply necessary. Us playing tails to oUr coUnterparts' heads, the black to their white, and so forth. CALLIOPE: bUt over the years i have come to the conclUsion that this is simply not kosher. ROXY: its total bs is what it is CALLIOPE: right, yes. CALLIOPE: a steaming pile of bUllshite. CALLIOPE: and so we have decided that something needs to be done aboUt it.

Ah fuck.  You’re going to regulate non-canon?  “Canonize” it?  Is the fact that you eventually succeed at whatever it is you’re trying to do part of why we have the story presented to us in this bifurcated structure?

ROXY: this is finally where u come in jegbert ROXY: we gots quests for yous CALLIOPE: hee hee, yes. CALLIOPE: or *a* quest, to be specific. JOHN: oh boy! ROXY: (this fkin nerd i s2g)

Roxy and Calliope setting him on this quest as a Rogue of Void and a Muse of Space feels fitting.

JOHN: i'm not sure how i can go about freeing us from a hellish space prison, but i'm up for giving it a try i guess? JOHN: i have... literally nothing better to be doing at this point. except for maybe hanging out with harry anderson. ROXY: nice save lol

YEAH WE’RE STILL GLOSSING OVER HOW YOU LEFT HIM UNPROTECTED, JERK

ROXY: but u dont need to worry abt busting us outta space jail tbh ROXY: thats not ur problem to fix JOHN: oh. JOHN: i'm... not sure i follow, then. ROXY: i mean yeah ur gonna obvs facilitate it in a sense ROXY: but only by going and busting the person who can actually help us outta normal earth jail CALLIOPE: we need yoU to free vriska from the clUtches of oUr misgUided friend jane, and bring her here, to the singUlarity. ROXY: weve been calling it the plot point CALLIOPE: yes, the plot point is a key part of oUr plan. CALLIOPE: as far as we have been able to sUrmise, the only remaining method for escaping oUr grim confinement depends on leveraging the UniqUe properties of this location to create an event of sUch catalcysmic proportions that it simply cannot be contained within the black hole any more. CALLIOPE: something SO dramatic, so hyper-relevant, that it becomes ontologically impossible for anyone to ignore it. CALLIOPE: for that, we need an individUal of sUfficient narrative cloUt, so to speak. CALLIOPE: and to liberate her, who better than the embodiment of the aspect of freedom itself? CALLIOPE: ... CALLIOPE: phew. okay, i'm finished. CALLIOPE: CALLIOPE: sorry, that took longer than i expected to go throUgh.

..............................

OOooooh, kay.

Whatever this is, it’s going to be really weird and PROBABLY infuriating and/or shippy, and I’m probably not going to like it.  Plus it seems like it’s some sort of inverse belated canonization of some other black-hole-rescue theories I went on about at some point.  Although, related to that link, “aspect of freedom” if anyone wasn’t paying attention!  That’s a (sorta-)canon mention of the purpose of it!

They’re going to attention-wh-- attention-hog themselves out of the black hole so that they’re “considered canon” too, or close enough.  Huh.

ROXY: what r u talking about cals that was great ROXY: i could listen 2 u plotsplain for years CALLIOPE: oh you >u< ROXY: fyi this was why i wanted u to get a move on eggbread ROXY: so callie could have more time 2 infodump ROXY: thats love bitchhhhhh JOHN: hahaha. JOHN: ok, well, i think i understood all that?

Love with who? Callie, John, both?

In reality, John isn’t sure what most of this means. But on balance, it feels okay? He’s gone back and forth about a hundred times in the last week about where his place in everything is, so he might as well ride this out. Plus, the last time a Lalonde kind of told him to do something, he thinks that he chose not to, and look where that got him. And it’s not like he has other plans. He may as well do this! It’s at least going to get him involved in things again, if nothing else. He turns to go, and then hears a sound. It’s the sound of feet and knocking on doors, echoed through stone and digital static.

Oh shit.  Is Andrew trapped behind some fourth walls behind the curtains.

> (==>)

Oh RIGHT also that DEVICE is where they want to bring Vriska.  Are they going to overturn part of canon itself with a super-retcon thus making this timeline unbelievably relevant or--?  Maybe make all the PESTERQUESTS canon or something?!  I don’t know.  Maybe they’re INTENTIONALLY starting the game like Vriska wanted to??????

Guh, this is something so big that I don’t WANT to theorize about it, do I.

JOHN: did you hear that? ROXY: wha ROXY: oh yeah uh ROXY: i may have messaged rose and kan and jade to check on them too ROXY: so its prob onea them showin up ROXY: they don’t need to know bout all this tho ROXY: we got time to chat with them b4 u go get vriska

No, even if it’s a knock at the somehow-top-level-house-even-under-buried-- oh, right, maybe it’s covering in part a monitoring system that looks up there.  But still, part of that sound was DOUBTLESS these two hiding something, all standing in front of the curtain like that.

JOHN: i’ll go stall em. ROXY: thx babe ROXY: oh is it 2 soon for that joke or JOHN: no, weirdly enough, that one’s fine. ROXY: oh good ok see u up there soon!

How is calling your significant other “babe” not cool REGARDLESS of gender?!  Like wasn’t that always cool? --Oh wait is it because they’re not together or... but... guh, I don’t know.

Anyway, see y’all after the holidays at least.

[vampyrly]

: / i need any help and/or validation for a situation im dealing with

ok heads up this is going to be potentially very long to read and get through, like possibly 10 minutes at most but it is detailed and information heavy, i dont want to leave anything out

if anyone knows me/knows me on twitter and has seen my tweets where i've detailed the bullshit my roommate has done in the past you'll know i dont particularly like their presence based on their immature and gross antics. well ladies and gentlemen just when i thought they couldn't possibly sink any lower as a person, they pulled through the shit olympics and won gold.

my roommate has a cat, they had it prior to moving in and on their account the cat has been by their side 24/7. it is very attached and has most definitely developed a form of separation anxiety because of this. there hasnt been an issue with how often they stay with their cat up until recently... their girlfriend got her own apartment and over the past few months my rm has been staying with her 24/7. as in, is practically never in the apartment. they only come back to refill their cats food/water and is immediately out the door again. occasionally they will sleep overnight but after that they are back out the door.

as anyone who understands cats or animals in general would realize, this is essentially neglecting a cat, one you have gone from being with every day, to essentially never seeing. and this was not gradual, it was a damn near sudden change. you can probably imagine this is putting a lot of confusion and stress on the cat. over time, the cat has reacted more physically. they have become prone to crying by the door, biting the gf's toes, glaring at her (i guess), and such.

now, about a week ago, the cat had bitten my roommate incredibly hard to the point of drawing a lot of blood. apparently this was so traumatic to the rm that they now refuse to even be in the same room with the cat (there have only been a handful of times where they've slipped into the room to grab an essential and shimmy back out) so much so that they brought an air mattress, set it up in the living room, and is now temporarily sleeping there. no, im not joking.

now im not going to go into detail about why this buildup from the cat occurred, i think it should be pretty obvious already why, but to my rm, they fully believe this behavior is aggressive and unusual. as in, this cat had malicious, negative intent to do harm on its owner. its owner which, up until months ago, they were so attached to and clearly loved. as a friend has pointed out, this isnt signaling aggression. this is signaling a need to get attention in any way possible. their own cat had scratched them up so bad to the point they almost had to go to the ER, but it wasnt because the cat was aggressive, it just thought it was playtime! the case is different here yes, because unlike my rm the friend actually takes care and gives attention to their cat, so this was a very rare occurrence. simply put, this cat is lacking so much stimulation, attention, and basic interaction that this, to me, felt like a last resort. because clearly, the constant cries of sadness wasnt doing anything for them. they're currently in the process of rehoming the cat and will permanently ditch it on the 28th. thats still another 5 fucking days of this cat being in these neglected conditions, and thats not counting when this started, which was 17th, 18th if were being generous on account of me misremembering the date of events because who can blame me so much has already happened its becoming difficult to keep track.

a cat that they up until this point loved and gave attention to as apparent by them claiming she is for emotional support, is being thrown out of their life without remorse over one instance of """aggression""" (dont make me explain why it wasnt again.)

my roommate knows full and well that they have every ability and every second on their hands to bring the cat with them to the gf's apartment but guess what? they simply choose not to do so! i guess those toes getting bitten was so traumatic because oh yeah may i add, the girlfriend is a massive enabler of the roommate and sees absolutely no issue to the actions they are taking in response. i doubt they even tried to properly warm the cat up to a person who is a newcomer to the relationship. im sure they both think in their heads that this is the most responsible thing they can do as pet owners and that they're such good people for rehoming a cat they cant take care of anymore. yes, nothing more responsible than neglecting an animal that needs social interaction as much as that one in particular is in dire need of. responsible pet owners would have never let it escalate to such a point, i'll have you know.

my roommate has done a lot of bullshit that has made me want to pull my hair out, but at the very least, it didnt involve a living creature. this however draws a line as i refuse to stand for animal neglect simply because im an outsider and have no direct say in the situation. i've taken as much action as i possibly can, phoning and texting and emailing as many people as i possibly can. i hesitate to say this is straight up animal abuse because as firm as i can be i try to give people the benefit of the doubt BUT. i will say that every single person i have relayed all of this info to thus far has told me that this is grounds for animal abuse.

yesterday i ran into my rm and they told me "heyyy sorry about her crying constantly, its just not possible for me to be in there whatsoever!" and when i asked if they have someone refilling the bowls and litter on their behalf they said "nope just me" ????????? simultaneously on the same day i said fuck it, i am going to break out the secret key i have to their room to check on the cat. yes i have a key to their room, i have never used it until now and if you want to ignore everything thus far to give me some shit about trust or whatever consider: i dont fucking care. as it turns out the food and water bowls are the type that automatically refill. so, hmmm. theres that part out of the way, but of course, you cannot put in a machine to automatically interact with a cat on the level of a human. as for the litter, i couldnt see since i didnt step more than a foot into the room as to not impede boundaries on the cat and i didnt want my roommate to suddenly come home to me knees deep in their shithole. it was probably in the closet but then how is that being cleaned? those automatic cleaning cat litter boxes dont come cheap and i know damn well they cannot afford one. and may i just add as a tidbit, the room has a sitting scent of pee. though seeing as how gross my roommate can get im betting its just them and not the cat. also that room was cold as fuck. were at 60-70s right now in terms of weather right now it does not need to be that cold......

here is a video i was able to capture. i mounted my phone on a monopod in order to get a scope of the room without stepping in too far.

i decided that the least i can do at the moment is to head out to dollar tree and get a toy or two so i can at least provide some amount of stimulation. before i left, i checked on her again.

she was just laying there, keeping her distance, and didnt lurch at me whatsoever. i came back with a feather wand and played with her for a couple of minutes. she responded a little to it, but for the most part she was peering out the door wondering where the hell her so called responsible owner was. i took my sweater off and let the cat sniff it. i have zero relationship with this cat, infact its the first time i've ever properly seen it as it is locked in the bedroom 24/7.

now you may be asking yourself, why is this cat locked away in a room 24/7 like rapunzel locked in her tower and not roaming freely in the open apartment? i too would like an answer to this! i rarely spend any time in the living room but even if i did i have NO issue with it chilling in there.

someone i phoned did bring up a good point that for AS to consider a legitimate case of abuse or even do anything, there'd need to be no food or water. so essentially, unless you're straight up physically harming an animal outside of their headquarters they dont fucking care. want to be proven further on that? my rm actually did speak with AS at the start of bite-saga. surprisingly they werent 100% truthful, and, get a load of this, they told them that the cat potentially has a virus, and that they need to be quarantined the entire 2 week period. thats some lying bullshit if i've ever heard some!!! not only that, just a few hours ago i peeped the girlfriend had the vet get back to them about lending a muzzle!

SO. heres the current situation as of today and what will occur to tomorrow: i finally phoned someone who is going to drop by the apartment tomorrow, potentially with another person (these are not random people, im simply keeping their status as anonymous as possible to maintain their privacy) to check on the cats conditions. they'll also call AS again and nudge the rm in a way where it seems AS needs them to expedite the surrendering process sooner than later. i cant imagine another 5 days of this going on, but theres only so much that can be done that doesnt involve me straight up catknapping the poor thing and rehoming her myself. this is the condition of the cat as of a few hours ago:

if i were someone uninvolved and saw this, i would have assumed she were a stray that broke into the room........

i try not to be petty and villainous, but a line has been crossed and the disgusting mistreatment of an innocent creature is a crime i refuse to allow be sweeped under the rug. if theres any benefit to living in a relatively small town, its that everyone knows or at least recognizes everyone. far too many people already get away with animal abuse, at the very least i can make as many people here as aware of their antics as i can. is that wrong to do? should i not air all that i can out about them? im so tired and exhausted. i've lost so much sleep over this and im probably going to lose a lot more. thanks for reading.

[frankieshq]

[ itzy vc ] hey, hey, hey, it’s your girl summer coming at you with her twenty years of mediocre existence to present miss FRANKIE KWON. meet my self-conscious, awkward babie who uses sarcasm as a defense mechanism. you can find info about her under the cut !! i might have written a long ass bio that i didn’t bother to finish on a google docs but will be linking that one soon.

BACKGROUND

[tl;dr: young girl grows up in a matriarchal household that is heavy with regret and blame. dad comes and makes her childhood a bit happier, only to leave and break her heart because he’s an asshole. grows up thinking her smarts is gonna save her, but it’s actually her humor that does]

to truly understand frankie kwon, one must go way back--back to when her grandparents first immigrated to michigan. landing in detroit, sunhwa kwon and her husband didn’t have it easy. she had a two-year-old hanging by her neck and a brilliant but unambitious husband. she had to struggle with odd jobs for years while taking care of her family and helping her husband learn english, so he can use his engineering degree in america. she became a severe woman, never softened by affection but hardened by grit and hard work. eventually, the her husband was able to land a stable job and the family relocated to chelsea. 

sunhwa made sure to train and hone her daughter jina’s natural intellect, but her methods were severe and lacking in affection. jina looked for the affection she didn’t find at home elsewhere. she fell in love with the first boy that called her beautiful, and at eighteen, gave birth to francesca areum kwon. 

and so it goes that frankie was born in a household  heavy with guilt, blame, and regret. there was love there somewhere, but it was constantly shadowed by feelings that existed way before she did. the emotional scars her mother and grandmother inflicted on each other were too deep-seated that their love for each other hid behind a cover of blame and snark. at a young age, frankie learned how to read a room, learned what to say or do so as to not aggravate the precarious balance of their household. she learned how to figure out whether her mother was too tired from work or whether her grandmother was in a snappy mood. it was a tightrope dance she learned how to perfect, growing up faster than she should have. 

all her grandmother’s lost hope for her mother transferred to frankie, and her grandma supervised her education with the same vigor. although, this time, she was a tad bit more affectionate to her granddaughter (i mean all grandmas can’t resist their grandchildren, let’s be real). her mom wanted to protest, but aside from the guilt, she was always busy. being a single mom was hard enough, but she also had to take care of her aging mother.

frankie is a shy kid by nature, but her household just intensified this predisposition. she had few friends because she was scared about approaching kids first. she spends her time watching cartoons, studying, and writing in her journal.

enter: frankie’s dad, andrew grant. he left chelsea and his pregnant ex-gf bc he’s an asshole. but he comes back nine years later because he failed at whatever version of the american dream he was following at that time.

he taught frankie to have fun !! she’d spend afternoons at his car shop bantering with him and telling jokes. eventually, she relayed these jokes to people at school and was shocked when people actually laughed. she became more well-liked, developed a sense humor, and had more friends. the ages 9-12 were probably her happiest. 

at 12 years old, she got invited to a middle school sleepover for the weekend. but she had a big test on monday, and her grandma doesn’t allow her to go to stuff if she has tests the next schoolday. with the help of her mom, she was able to go to it by pretending it was a school event. had so much fun and forgot to study. she didn’t get a grade high enough for her grandmother to be happy, though. once her grandma found out what she did and her mom’s involvement, she was livid !! that was the biggest fight her grandma and mom got into and frankie was grounded for a month. the worst part was, throughout the fight, frankie felt like she was a burden to the two women she loved the most. she felt like she was the reason her mother was always tired, constantly nagged on by her grandmother about wasted potential.

to make matters worst, her dad left town again. fell in love with some other venture. he told her he would come back but never did. 

since that day, frankie dedicated herself full force to her studies. she felt like she needed to make it up to her mom and grandma for all their sacrifices. she built a wall around herself because it’s easier that way. she had few friends, but it was better for her.

her grandmother died during her senior year of high school. she loved her grandma, but she felt as if a weight lifted from her chest. her mom encouraged her to go to school as far as she liked. 

she got a scholarship to columbia and studied statistics like the big nerd that she is !!

she met roman and lucy here, finally felt that she had friends that she felt she can really open to. 

after college, she worked for a firm. she finally felt secure, like she payed some sort of unsaid debt to her grandma but she wasn’t happy, folks :(((

she first did stand-up as a dare on an open mic and she was so shocked that people laughed. she was tipsy then, and kept made self-deprecating jokes of her childhood trauma. love that for her.

the more stand-up she did, though, the more nervous she got because she gets really worried if she’s doing things right. instead of improving, she got worse because her nerves always get to her. don’t get me wrong the jokes are great, it’s just that her execution doesn’t always land.

comedy was just a vERY beloved side hobby for her until a small production company based on youtube offered her a writer position. she would get to  write their skits and stuff, but she it payed wAY less than her present job. she was like fuck it, and took the offer. she wanted to make people laugh.

that leads us to here, a girl who is still unsure whether leaving a secure job was the way to go, secretly hoping to be a famous comedian.

PERSONALITY

frankie is like a spring roll you guys. outside, she masks her awkwardness and shyness with some cRunCHy self-deprecating jokes and sarcasm. so, she has an intimidating exterior because she tries to be tougher than she actually is. inside, she’s just a soft and sad girl. she doesn’t talk much if she isn’t comfortable with you, but once she is, she talks a loT. but it does take a while for her to warm up to people. can be extremely judgmental (a trait inherited from her grandma), but her mind can be changed. isn’t stubborn, though, and is actually a doormat. the type of person to say something and obsess over it because she’s scared that it might have offended someone. 

HEADCANONS

lots of repressed femininity because there was a lot of internal misogyny in her household growing up !! it was only until college with the help of lucy, that she was able to access her girlier side. 

is a lesbian, but has a lot of internal homophobia as well. her grandma was a very traditional woman, so frankie feels very guilty about liking girls, and is very hesitant about going on dates and actively looking for relationships even though she’s really lonely.

likes writing a lot !! used to keep journals since she was 8 because it honestly made her feel less lonely growing up. 

nOBODY CALL HER FRANCESCA. she hates that name, but likes her second name a lot. only her grandma called her areum tho.

spends a lot of time at  mon’s deli, and mon could also be counted as her bff. she and the old man gossip and chitchat about the bennington street residents for hours. is this also because she is in dire need of a father figure?? maybe, yes, absolutely

used to have really low alcohol tolerance, but sort of grew out of it?? if she doesnt drink for a month or two tho, her tolerance goes back to zero like dont ask me, i dont make the rules

still a big fan of cartoons and kid humor !! loves amazing world of gumball and steven universe

makes her own kimchi because her grandma and mom have a special family recipe, will happily share if she likes you

i imagine the level of closeness she has in the group varies, like she’s closer to some people than others and acts differently around them

would really like to do stand-up again but still has stage fright

want her to either end up working on something as big as snl or writing movies or overcoming her stage fright and becoming a successful stand-up comedienne !!

[hey-im-trash-and-better-than-you]

advice for new high-school freshmen!

just some stuff I learned since school is starting soon

1. Take advantage of opportunities!!: I had the opportunity to take an AP class freshman year and I’m so glad I did because it helps you get an idea of what the workload is like and you’ll be able to see if you can handle it before you take like a whole schedule full next year and then find out a few weeks in that you’re miserable. If you wanna take online classes for some required classes that you don’t want to take up schedule space with, go for it!

2. YOU DON’T NEED TO DATE!!!: you really don’t. if you need somebody else to feel validated I suggest you go get help. if you want to date, go for it, but if you don’t, don’t feel pressured to. you have your whole life to find love, and most love you find in high school generally won’t last, as well as it being a distraction to more important things. also, don’t make out in the hallways because it’s gross and to that one couple at my school who keeps making out literally on the staircase: I hope you get mononucleosis (but not really but actually stop)

3. If you guys have homecoming or other school dances, don’t be afraid to go alone!: or at least don’t be afraid to go without a date! I went by myself and ended up hanging out with my friends there and I had probably a much better time than my other friends who just had to stay with their date.

4. don't vape. DONT VAPE. D O N T V A P E. DO NOT VAPE!!!: don't vape, don’t Juul, don’t whatever the hell else, don't pass go, do not collect 200 dollars. trust me, you don’t look cool, you honestly look like an asshole, you smell like an artificial fruit factory threw up on you (which does not smell good), and if you get caught you can get in seriously deep shit. It’s also so bad for your health! don't take “healthier than a cigarette” as “this is healthy” It still has nicotine in it which can mess you up. like just because thin crust pizza is probably healthier than a deep-dish pizza, it doesn't mean it’s healthy! same goes with vaping. It’s something for people already addicted to nicotine, and as a freshman, in high school, I hope you are not addicted to nicotine.

5. SLEEP!: don’t even bother pulling all-nighters to study, because you’ll be tired the entire day, and if you don’t sleep, your brain doesn’t have time to process all that info, meaning you’ll literally forget it all by the time you get to the test. I had friends who stayed awake for days straight studying and then ended up getting some of the lowest grades I’ve ever seen. I do agree I’ve pulled all-nighters, but I’ve never felt good afterward and I’ve only done it in really dire situations (like finishing a project that was 20 percent of my exam grade)

6. EAT!: at LEAST twice a day. preferably one of those should be breakfast, but if you can’t get that in, try to eat lunch and dinner. it doesn’t have to be anything huge (i tend to eat small breakfasts (if I eat it at all) and dinners and eat a large lunch) cuz if you don’t you’ll get headaches and you’ll be distracted because you’ll be too focused on the fact that you’re hungry

7. Join a club!: or do a heavily group-oriented class. Band, Orchestra, Choir, Theatre, Debate, whatever. It’s a really good way to meet people. in my orchestra this year I made so many friends that I wouldn't have met otherwise (not to mention they can look really good during college applications a few years down the road)

8. Don’t be an asshole to your teachers. They can control your grade and your experience in their class. don’t get on their bad side. And in the end, if you fail because you weren’t listening or you kept talking in class, don’t blame it on your teachers, because they tried. and in the end, when you realize you’re going to fail, don’t go sucking up to your teachers hoping they’ll help. I was one of 3 people in my algebra class of 23 students who passed the class because we were the only three students who made an effort. 

9. I know everyone says to be yourself which you should do, but realize some hobbies have a time and a place. If you’re a furry that's cool whatever but please don’t be that weird guy in my lunch period who kept trying to tell me how much he wanted to fuck Kass from Legend of Zelda. like ok man, whatever you’re into but I'm tryna eat my nachos k.

10. start figuring out a vague idea of what you want to do in the future: you don’t need to decide exactly where you wanna work, where you want to go to college (or if you even want to go to college), what you wanna do, etc. but having an idea will make it easier to plan out your elective classes later on in your high school career.

11. If you do want to go to college, start researching! I don’t care if people tell me I started researching too early, because, in senior year when everyone is stressing out, I’ll already have everything together. Start applying to scholarships! if you happen to be near a college you may be interested in, go take a tour! it’s never too early. 

12. Start caring about your grades. seriously. these are the scores colleges will be looking at in the applications process, so sure you could slack off, but good luck getting into your dream college with a 1.5 GPA. Set goals for yourself! for example, the university I want to go to has an honors college that I want to get into and one of the eligibility requirements is that you have to have a 90 or above average, so that’s what I'm going to aim for.

13. tying back into number 8, stay on top of your assignments and participate in class! By turning in your work on time and asking questions and actually participating in class, your teachers will know that you are serious about learning and will actually try to help you when you need it. remember my sucky algebra class? I had an 89 semester average and there was no more work I could do but I really wanted a 90 average, so I just went and asked if he could bump up my grade a point so I’d have a 90, and he said yes! because I actually tried in his class.

14. You will start to have more things to do outside of school, and you will have to learn to handle them. For example, you may have a job, or you may have to go to driving school if you decide to get your drivers permit. School should be your first priority so if you can’t handle some things outside of school, don’t try to. you will get overwhelmed and it will not be good.

15. Lastly, don’t overwhelm yourself. This is just your first year of high school. It’s like the year you are expected to mess up because it’s an entirely new concept! Teachers will be more strict than they were in middle school, but this is also probably the most lenient they’ll be for the rest of your school career. Take this year to feel out the waters and ease your way into it. If you don’t start out with stellar grades it's ok! it’s way better to mess up early on and have all that time later to fix it than to mess up later and be stuck with it. 

Good luck in the next 4 years of your life!

[madokasoratsugu]

Lucette and Delora for the Character Thing? ovo?

give me a character and i’ll break them down:

aw hell yea, two boss ass female charas B)) 

Lucette

How I feel about this character

i don’t play a lot of otome games (surprisingly lol) but i was very pleasantly surprised by her and her huge personality. it’s pretty incredible how she grows in not just one, but all five routes, and all in different ways. Lucette is amazing and valid and she deserves so much !! and she got it all !! 

GOOD FOR HER.

All the people I ship romantically with this character

ok UH the top guy is obvs Fritz (and Varg) LMAO// but i also ship her with the other four LIs, Annice and Emelaigne, not in ranked order. 

My non-romantic OTP for this character

oh…is it cheating if i say Fritz/Lucette again HAHAH// 

hm i guess Mythros/Lucette ? id love to have seen them interact more. i can never see them together romantically (just because i think they’d be Bad for each other bc past trauma w Hildyr), but imo they’d have a very neat friendship as advisor and queen + magic teacher and student ! 

My unpopular opinion about this character

idk if this is an unpopular opinion but Lucette is #valid for all her behaviours, even those in prologue. 

ive ranted about this on twitter A Ton, but Lucette was someone brought up to be feared and taught that the world would never forgive weakness, and no one showed her kindness even when she was no longer that person (aka when she was first cursed and forgotten). Lucette had no reason to believe in kindness because the world did not give her one. no one is obligated to be kind to a world that hates them - in fact, hating it in return is only a human response. 

she chose kindness and love in the end, and i think that speaks more about Lucette than anything negative anyone in canon has said about her. Lucette chose to be kind to a world that did nothing to deserve it. the world was cruel to her at a time when she needed it to be kind the most (eg her mother’s “death”, her being cursed), and the fact that she turned around and said “this is wrong, i was wrong, and this will change starting with me”, and only ever blaming herself for everything once she finds out about Hildyr is ridiculously, painfully, kind. 

so i stand by her attitude lmao. i understand the townspeople, but fuck them lol. on this tangent: this is also why i love Fritz, because he was the only one to really understand this about Lucette and never demand/urge her to be nicer. all he did was believe in her, and that’s all we fucking want, right. to be believed in. fuck. im getting EMO in this chillis tonite.

other than this i don’t really think i have any unpopular opinions about Lucette :”)) 

(the other love interests tho. lmao. i have Controversial thoughts and here’s one: they would all make lowkey bad bfs and they got a lot of issues they need to work out w Lucette before they can really progress as a couple. the LIs need A Lot of help with their issues and its pretty nice that the game usually concludes with everyone having a support system to help them through it :”)) )

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon.

i wish her witch heritage had been brought up more ! people’s perceptions of her were obviously coloured because of it, and i thought it’d have been super interesting to see how and why some of the LIs’ views on her were shaped by the fact that she was Hildyr’s daughter - and how those views changed once they truly got to know (and/or love) her. its understandable why none of the LIs brought it up for their own reasons + it would have heavily detracted from the game’s plot and suspense, but i kinda wish we’d had a scene with each LI and Lucette talking about it. 

—

Delora

How I feel about this character

funny enough, Delora is one of those charas that i actually disliked/distrusted at first but then slowly grew to love as the game progressed. i love how her relationship w Lucette and the LIs was explored in the diff routes, and i want to see her interact with Lucette more in the fandisk !!

All the people I ship romantically with this character

Parfait !!! theyre the ultimate lesbian couple. goth/pastel aesthetics on point, ride or die babes; literally met in a war and decided ok, this is the love of my life that im gonna run a tavern with now ! i love them sm. 

My non-romantic OTP for this character

hmm…maybe Delora/Rumpel. i actually think that Rumpel and Delora can get along pretty darn well once he recovers his memories and becomes more grounded. also just bc i dont think there’s anyone else in canon in her age group that she’d get a chance to make friends with ajksskfd…..

My unpopular opinion about this character

ok hm might get flack for this but: Delora was totally in the wrong for cursing Lucette but especially for leaving her in the streets without shelter or food for god knows how long. 

the curse in general: it’s a classic case of good guy doing a bad thing to resolve a dire situation, but i do think that Delora took it too far - esp with leaving Lucette in an abandoned alleyway. 

ofc it’s implied that Karma and Waltz were patrolling the streets to just to find her the night she was cursed, but just imagine what could have happened to Lucette if they weren’t lucky enough to find her on the first night - or if they’d found her after the men had caught her. i just think traumatising a girl isnt the best way to teach her the power of friendship and kindness. 

i think Dice/mice miiight have mentioned on their tumblr that Delora was keeping an eye on Lucette the whole day/night when she was first cursed, but then that’s just cruel on another level - standing by while the townsfolk refuse to help i can understand, but letting these men attempt to rob her and chase after her when Lucette is utterly terrified and knows that she has no one to turn to ? kind of a dick move.

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon.

this one is a little meta but: i wish Dice/mice hadn’t shut down the idea that Delora and Parfait are lesbians ! i mean im used to roasting canon in the oven and carving it for the juicy bits so i dont really care, but it kinda stings to have fanon lgbt headcanons shut down officially by the creators lol….

[milkslimepearl-tea]

🎧🎶French Songs Masterpost🎶🇫🇷

French native here ! I absolutely love french in music, especially as it comes in such wide range from political songs to kindda nsfw one. French is a language where you can really play around to write interesting and/or funny songs. This is what I listen often and like ! Ill give a youtube link to every songs, but you can probably find better quality on deezer and stuff, especialy for the old one. I'll also try to sum up each song so you can grab them a lil better, hopefully ! Charles Aznavour - Emmenez moi (1968) A classic. I love it. Makes me wanna travel and have a break lol. Summary : Aznavour want a BRAEK. 🎵 Emmenez-moi au bout de la terre Emmenez-moi au pays des merveilles l me semble que la misère Serait moins pénible au soleil Cyril Mokaiesh - Communiste (2011) Political stuff ; its trashing big companies and capitalism/liberalism. Summary : Mokaiesh talks about all the thing he doesnt like etc. and if it does link him to communism, then he's communist and whatev. i love it. 🎵 ça les perdra De mondialiser l'injustice D's'en asperger de bénéfices Ça les perdra Anne Sylvestre - La faute à Eve (1986) Feminism ! heck yeah ! hard take on how everything is blamed on women, thanks to 🎶christianistics traditiooon🎶 Summary : ève does her best but Adam is a piece of shit ungreatful fuck. 🎵 "Moi, je vais me mettre en grève J'irai pas au paradis Non, mais qu'est-ce qu'Il s'imagine ? J'irai en enfer tout droit Le bon Dieu est misogyne Mais le diable, il ne l'est pas POLO & PAN - Canopée (2016) sweet love song ! my fav. one of my fav groups actually. wonderful lyrics. this on has quite the complicate vocabulary, but you Should Definitely check their other stuff ; its marvelous. Summary : Two ppl living their best in amazonia. the birds are singing, the sun is shining, the trees are tall and green ! 🎵 Des oiseaux nous chantaient leur mélopée Et nous vivions heureux dans la canopée Dartek - Les Kassos this one is very nsfw LMAO hard dubstep i think ? the lyrics comes from a french cartoon, Les Kassos. U can check it out too if u like trash humor. Uh, im not especialy fond of it, but if its ur thing ! the song is still dope af Summary : uhh. hallucinations ? mention of sex and drugs ? uhu Edith Piaf - L'homme à la moto Would who i be if i didnt put miss Edith Piaf in here ?! Not one of her most popular tune tho ! and what a shame. I absolutely love that one and never miss a chance to yeLL IT OUT in the forest w/ my bff. a blast. Summary : A motorcyclist scares the shit out of the country side with his bike. One day he hits a train and THE END ! 🎵 Il portait des culottes, des bottes de moto Un blouson de cuir noir avec un aigle sur le dos Sa moto qui partait comme un boulet de canon Semait la terreur dans toute la région. Rufus Wainwright - Complainte de la Butte Who would i be if i didnt throw Moulin Rouge in there ? bitch see me CRYFIN. Summary: im sad. everybody is sad. The girl is poor. They take shelter in the moulin. Also there is the moon and she's ginger. I love it. 🎵 Les escaliers de la butte sont durs aux miséreux Les ailes des moulins protègent les amoureux Les Fatals Picards - Djembé Man (2007) they sing REALY fast. but god i love les fatals picards. its just so heckin funny igzerhg. Summary: theyre just making fun of ppl who plays djembé at the end of a party and disturbs everyone. 🎵 Si on classait ton bordel sur l'échelle de Richter, Djembé Man c'est vraiment sûr : il manquerait des barreaux Patricia Kaas - Mon mec à moi IM JUST YELLING THE LYRICS EVERYTIME I LISTEN TO IT, I CANT HELP IT. I LOVE IT. also super lyrics. Summary: the boyfriend is telling her fake stories and she's totally into it bc he's cute while he does it and she loves him. its just So Catchy. 🎵Mon mec à moi Il me parle d'aventure Et quand elle brille dans ses yeux j'pourrais y passer la nuit

Oldelaf - La Tristitude I love oldelaf :( check out his other stuff, its amazing (le café really got me goofing around when i was little lmao). he's very smart with his lyrics Summary: "something is as sad as ..." The tile is a joke, triste = sad, so la Tristitude would be, Or a smash between Triste and Solitude, Or a ironic way of saying To be sad. 🎵 La tristitude, C'est quand tu viens juste d'avaler un cure-dent, Quand tu te rends compte que ton père est Suisse-Allemand, Quand un copain t'appelle pour son déménagement, Et ça fait mal Odezenne - Souffle le vent My. fav. Rap band. i love them. theyre total genius. Like really. Their texts are absolutely Wonderful but they are awefully not known enough foR MY TASTE. plz listen to them lmao. check their albums out ; if i would advice one to start, maybe Dolziger Str. 2. but theyre all so great URGH. their songs might be hard bit to understand tho, so u can not comprehend what theyre talking about, but theyre Frickin good if ur looking for good french immersion. Summary: life 🎵 Allons plus loin ! En autarcie. Voir comme c'est beau les ciels pluvieux, Qu'un jour plus vieux, je puisse dire comme tout est beau avec le sourire. La Femme - Nous étions deux electrooo !! YEAY ! i love that one. u can check Elle ne t'aime pas, Sphynx, and Tatiana. its bit hard to understand the singer even for a french person lmao but its Great Material. Summary: a guy cheated on his girlfriend and his trying to find excuses. 🎵 L'autre nuit encore un inconnu étendue allongé dans la rue Il pleurait la vie, il pleurait l'amour il attendait la mort L'autre nuit Angèle - La Loi de Murphy always makes me laugh lmaooo. also the clip Is Real Cute. Summary: what can happen badly, will happens badly ! 🎵 Puis, là, c'est trop parti en couille, y'a d'abord eu la pluie La Loi de Murphy a décidé d'enterrer mon brushing Un mec me demande son chemin, gentille moi je le dépanne En fait, c'était qu'un plan drague, ce con m'a fait rater mon tram Pomme - De là-haut I LOVE POMME. with my whole SOUL. she's so cute. beautiful texts. lesbians texts. love. also her clip are So Artsy And Cool. She's so cool. Listen to ... everything she makes, basicaly, please lmao Summary : She's dead, and its sunday. Les mots qui sortent, qu’on ne disait pas Le vent les apporte jusqu’à moi Tout paraît si limpide, si limpide, limpide Vu de là-haut salut c'est cool - Des fleurs MORE ELECTRO ! funny text, wonderful clips, theyre just so funny. easy going song. check out Crocosmaute and Techno toujours pareil too zieohiorhg please for your own GOOD. Summary : youre a pretty flower. you smell good. we're all flower in the same bouquet. 🎵 Je suis une fleur Je suis une très jolie fleur Je suis plus jolie qu'une rose et je sens meilleur qu'un lila Qui suis-je ? Je suis toi Carmen Maria Vega - J'ai tout aimé de toi. love song. lesbian. trans ! sweet. beautiful. Summary: love song, how her s/o transitionned, and they broke up (i think) 🎵 Tu te rêvais femme tu te disais maudit Je te disais je t'aime Eu étais beau et tu étais belle aussi Te l'ais je dit? Vald - Eurotrap RAP ! RAP ! RAP . my second fav. his songs are doope af. a bit nsfw tho, a bit rude lmao. check out Ma meilleure amie, Désaccordée too ! He talks fast tho, but great for french immersion ! listen with the lyrics its great 🎵 J'ai l'regard dans l'vide comme Joe Budden Comme je m'enrichis, je prends d'la bedaine Dose de méga shit pour qu'je la reperde Dominique Grange - A bas l'état policier (1968) basicaly: acab lmao Summary: the government send the police to beat up the people manifesting on the streets on may 68. this song was made ! 🎵 Puisque la provocation Celle qu’on a pas dénoncée Ce fut de nous envoyer En réponse à nos questions Vos hommes bien lunettés Bien casqués, bien boucliés Bien grenadés, bien soldés Nous nous sommes mis à crier HONORABLE MENTION : Boris Vian (La complainte du progrès), Orelsan (idk, i dont really like him that much ? a lot do tho. maybe Défaite de famille, or La Terre est ronde), Eddy de Pretto (Kid) , Camille (Ta Douleur, Je ne mâche pas mes mots), Woodkid & Louis Garrel (L'aérogramme de Los Angeles), Kathleen Fortin ( Les Moulins de Mon Coeur), Stupeflip (A bas la hiérarchie, Nan si ...) etc. etc. ! ANYWAY french music is awesome ! beautiful ! vast !! PLEASE HAVE FUN ! I LOVE U FOR LIKIN MY WEIRD ASS ELITIST LANGUAGE ! KEEP UP UR DOING GREAT WORKS ! happy listening yall ! ❤️

[bigskydreaming]

Like, I realize I was posting a ton encouraging people to vote yesterday, but now that midterms are over, let’s be perfectly clear that those posts were made urging white middle class liberals to vote. Because no person of color has ever needed a white dude to tell them why they should vote in the name of damage control even when they don’t like or ‘feel inspired’ by the ballot choices. And the fact is that many, MANY people don’t seem to get that the reason so many marginalized leftists on tumblr speak critically about the Democrats and liberals even at the height of election season is because they’ve fully mastered the art of doing whatever the fuck they have to while already having moved on to worrying about what comes next. And its patronizing as hell to basically expect them to put their training wheels back on until the rest of us catch up to that level of survivalism meets progressivism.

Which we’re never going to do if we don’t fucking start learning to speak with distinction about the difference between groups who are anti-voting or just critical of voting because voting doesn’t get them ENOUGH of what they want and the groups that are anti-voting or voting critical because voting doesn’t get them ANY of what they want and they’re still stuck doing it because at best its a speedbump in the way of making things WORSE than they already are, but hey even a speedbump helps, I guess.

But make no mistake, there IS a difference, and yet which groups tend to get blamed most for elections not going the left’s way? I’ll give you a hint. It’s NOT the groups that have larger platforms and louder voices than the others.

And which groups do you think actually have the MOST influence in whether or not elections go the left’s way? I’ll give you another hint. It’s absolutely the groups that have larger platforms and louder voices than the others.

We all know that trickle down economics doesn’t work, but some of us apparently are still trying to pretend that trickle down social economics somehow works any better. If you were on twitter last night or this morning, there was a MARKED distinction in attitudes from left-leaning users. And that distinction was between White Twitter and Everyone Else. White Twitter were the ones cheering and celebrating and going ‘we did it’ and ‘this is a victory’ and ‘dont let anyone tell you this wasn’t a win!’ Everyone else were the ones going ‘yes, this was good, but we’re not really celebrating because hey guess what? It still wasn’t GOOD ENOUGH.’

And that’s the real problem we’re facing, White Internet at Large. That’s what’s really holding us back. This thing where we’re all happy to sing ‘we’re all in this together’ when we NEED Everyone Else, when even WE’RE aware that things are dire and our most basic rights and freedoms are on the line....

But the second things take an uptick FOR US, suddenly, its fuck those guys, amiright, lol? Suddenly its ‘omg why cant you just let us have this for five seconds’ and ‘sometimes people need something to feel good about, for morale’ and a dozen other things that are basically us flipping off everyone who’s harshing our buzz by pointing out that however better things might have just improved for us, y’know, the ones who were already least affected and thus the latest to arrive at the We Should Totally Burn It All Down Party, that doesn’t exactly mean jack shit has changed for Everyone Else. Just that at most, things haven’t gotten actively worse over night, and guess what? That’s not something we should ever feel okay telling people they should CELEBRATE, especially not if the people we’re telling it to are afforded less privileges and advantages by their status quo than we are by ours.

Trickle down social economics is ‘wait your turn’ and ‘you have to be patient’, spoken obliviously to the ones who’ve been waiting the whole damn time, about things that nobody should ever have to be patient about because its 2018 and we’re still believing the hype that ‘inalienable rights’ are to be distributed at the discretion of the Ones At The Top.

Trickle down social economics is ‘a rising tide lifts all boats’ and ‘hey this might not have improved things for you THIS time but it put the rest of us in a better position to make things better for you down the line, and you did that, so thanks, that’s why your vote counts.’

Trickle down social economics doesn’t work for the same exact reason trickle down economics doesn’t work: making the 1% flush with more cash doesn’t trickle down the social classes and make everyone else more money through the creation of more jobs and the introduction of more capital circling through the economy.....because the 1% have zero motivation to spend their newfound cash on anyone else, zero interest in creating new jobs and introducing more capital into the economy to boost and revitalize it. They got theirs and now they’re doing just fine. They see no reason to change things or expend any more effort than what they’ve already expended obtaining the Extra that they were after for themselves. The lower classes are of no further use to them at this time, so as far as they’re concerned, they see no further need to interact with or on behalf of the lower classes until the next time they need to make use of the lower classes in pursuit of their own self-interests again.

It’s the SAME DAMN THING here. White liberals, as a whole we are guilty of the exact same shit most of us have only lately found it fashionable to despise the 1% for, just in terms of social capital, WHICH WE ALL HAVE, 1% and 99% alike.

This is what we’re doing. Every election cycle. Without fail. Without deviation. Relying on people of color. Talking a good game. Saying how we’re all in this together, we are the future, we have to come together, democracy’s at stake for each and every one of us, blah blah blah.....and then the SECOND we see things turn around enough that WE personally are able to be optimistic again, take heart, see a light at the end of the tunnel, we don’t want to hear anyone else hampering our celebration with talk of the issues they’re still facing. Have been facing all along, that have in no way, shape or form improved along with the improvement of our fortunes. Who personally have ZERO reason to be any more optimistic than they were yesterday, to take heart, to see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Suddenly its ‘We’re TIRED,” and “we’re only human” and “everyone needs to rest sometime” and “nobody can stay this energized 24/7/365, we need to encourage people to stop and appreciate the victories along the way when and where we can.” As though Everyone Else isn’t every bit as damn tired, most likely MORESO, because they’ve been fighting this uphill battle long before our own self interest finally dragged us into it. As though Everyone Else isn’t just as in need of rest. As though Everyone Else doesn’t find it just as hard to stay this energized 24/7/365, as though they too wouldn’t like to stop and appreciate the victories along the way, if they actually WERE victories for them too instead of at best a lack of worsening of their present circumstances.

White liberals and leftists, we have a fucking problem (well, we have a lot) but this one’s name is Taking Too Damn Long To Join The Fight, And Calling Timeout And Taking A Breather The Second It Looks Like WE Personally Can Afford To, Screw How Everyone Else Is Doing.

Crawling over to the sidelines and grabbing a water and waving over at everyone else and saying “You guys got this, you’re doing great, I’m just gonna catch my breath, but I’m totally right here, I’m with ya, I’ll tap back in annnnny second now, just....little winded....still need a sec,” only to stretch that second and drag it out until coincidentally, we only seem to actually tap back in right around the time our own Personal Interests are up for grabs again and the focus of the next battle.

You went out and voted yesterday? Great. Good. That was a thing that you did that helped not make things worse and hopefully gave us some more tools with which to make things better.

But don’t fucking celebrate. Not now. Not yet. Look around at everyone who isn’t White Twitter and White Tumblr and read the fucking room. Look at WHO specifically isn’t celebrating, and wonder why, and then stop fucking wondering cuz you don’t need to because they’re all more than willing to tell us, they’ve been telling us all along, we just don’t like to listen to depressing shit when we could be celebrating our own good fortunes instead.

If we’re really all in this together, then we don’t get to celebrate until ALL of us have reason to celebrate. And guess who doesn’t get to decide when EVERYONE has cause to celebrate? Give you another hint - its NEVER the first people to see their fortunes change or improve. 

And if truth is, you’re really just looking out for number one and are secretly annoyed at having to care about how other people are doing when you just want to be happy for yourself? I mean, you do you, but maybe in the future keep that “we’re all in this together” line out of your mouth unless you’re totes cool with being a disingenuous exploitative asshole who doesn’t actually give much of a fuck about marginalized people or people with marginalizations other than yours. Y’know. When they’re not being directly beneficial to your own self-interests and circumstances.

But still. If you voted yesterday, good job. It wasn’t everything it could’ve been, but it wasn’t as bad as it could’ve been either, so you can pat yourself on the back for a job well done at keeping things from actively getting that much worse. Your vote mattered. You did that. Well done.

Now let’s get the fuck back to work.

[solarianradiance]

Heartsick: Loving Rage

https://skaianradiance.tumblr.com/post/174939512530/heartsick-quelling-nightmares

You are ROSE LALONDE

And you just finished your third therapy session with JOHN EGBERT, and things were pretty productive. 

EB: so is... that it then?

TT: That’s it, unless you have something else you feel like sharing. Which I encourage you do, since we are still here.

EB: nah, i was actually getting a lil sleepy, glad we can do something else now.

TT: Ok, then why dont you run along and play now, the big kid toys on the playground are open~

EB: ok i’ll-

EB: ...rose...>:B

TT: Sorry, you just seemed like an eager child waiting for recess, wanting to burn off his energy in a game of tag. A lil playfulness isnt going to hurt~

EB: right, well, your eagerness to reduce me to child-like context makes me think you might want kids, or could be an assertion to your unfulfilled childhood.

TT: Using my status as psychologist, and attempting to use it on me, can be interpreted as a sort of challenge, a display for primal ugres pertaining to the desire for dominance.

TT: Is this your way of saying that you want dominate me John?~♥

EB: what?! no! i want nothing of the sort! <:B

TT: Or perhaps you want me to dominate you?~

EB: ok, enough! this is weird enough as it is and i want no part of your weird kinky fantasies!

TT: Doesn't take a psychologist to know that you love it~

John absconds tfo, likely off to reevaluate his sense of company... or at least grab a bite to eat. Which might be a good idea for you to do yourself. You haven't eaten much of anything all day, and you are gonna need some energy to digest all of these notes.

Oh boy, what a choice of words to apply to your thoughts, you really are hungry!

Either way, you got a lot of things to go through, today really was productive, so many notes to go through!

Which is what you WOULD say, or think, if you werent a liar. There really isnt much more you have garnered that you don’t already know. The therapy sessions with John haven’t yielded much thus far, but these things tend to take time.

At least he is here with you and Kanaya. Speaking of whom, you feel like visiting her afterwords... specifically after your own snack.

You head out of your office, and into your kitchen. Its a spacious place, nice and wide, ready to make a feast if it needs to, especially a state dinner meant for discussing the worlds issues and the like. Rather dull affairs usually, even if they do tickle your “woman of power” side quite a bit. Being a Goddess has its weight of duty behind it, but it also has its perks~

You don’t worry about wealth or food, and you feel rather fulfilled acting as both a literal Queen and Goddess ruling a part of the world. Your Mother would be proud were she alive today... which she technically is, both alive and proud of you.

Speaking of whom, you informed her of the situation this morning, about John’s general condition and beckoned her return as soon as possible given that the situation is rather urgent, though not dire. However, you omitted the part about his incident in the bathroom. You don’t want to build up excessive stress in their minds and risk making them hysterical.

Kanaya had the duty informing Terezi of the situation as they know each other better than you do, being Troll lends an air of intrinsic understanding that you would not be innately imbued with, that much you have come to understand  studying the psychology of Trolls.

Anyways, you simply are here in the kitchen for a slice of pizza, you don’t know why, but you have been craving this pie of Italian cuisine for over a month now. Meat lovers in particular has caught your fancy, though you have been mixing things up with everything on it and veggie pizza’s.

You guess its that they remind you of home, you sort of miss those nights your Mother called in for a delivery when she didn’t cook anything for the evening... or did cook something, and it was an egregious disaster. Part of you thought she did it out of spite, but looking back, she simply enjoyed it as much as you did. In fact, you think it was one of those times when the two of you sort of put your supposed game of will’s aside and just enjoyed each others company, in your own ways.

Regardless, you have been on a pizza kick, and you need your fix for the night ahead, so you open the fridge

to find your leftover are missing and now assumed eaten by an entity other than yourself!

... ... ...

TT: ...

TT: Whatever, didn’t need it anyways.

Need is the correct term, but you really did want it. You guess John must have eaten the last of it. Oh well, its not the end of the world again, you can always just order another one, you get them basically for free. Then again, you don’t want to go through the hassle, you’re not that up for pizza again now that you think about it. Annoyed from hunger pains, you instead choose to go a much more healthy rout of crafting yourself a rather tasty salmon sandwich, with a side of cheese and a glass of grape juice.

You WOULD have some wine, but you need your wits about you for the upcoming trial in mediating this interaction between John and his romantic partners. Both have been gone from his life for a long period of time, months in fact. Breaking the news to them of their lover’s emotional decay into self-harm and outright suicide is going to be a dance of caution to say the least. You really don’t want them to turn into hysterical broads over this, like you think they might. They might just blame themselves, which is an overtly strong possibility.

You finish your meal, not as fulfilling as pizza, it lacks that mild-mannered bread crust which you dig all kinds of hella on, but salmon has its own sweet charm~

As you were consuming your middle-class gourmet, you went over your notes during your sessions with John and things are... odd. There is certainly depression going on. Deep depression, yet nothing that would compel suicide. He is sad, very sad in fact, but not outright miserable, at least from what you can glean from so far.

At least he is in your care, you wouldn’t be much of a friend had you merely left him there alone in his house... sort of like what you did over the last few years. You literally had no idea he had gotten that bad, or else you would have intervened earlier. But then again, Roxy and Terezi might not have had any idea, as John was hiding his emotions and repressing them. Seems like they’re finally coming out due to isolation in the form of deep depression. You really can’t let him be alone again anymore, or else you might get a repeat of the bathroom incident.

You feel a reasonable compulsion to share this information with your wife, Kanaya. You clean up your mess in the kitchen and go looking for her. Which isn’t a very long search, as you find her in the living on a terminal. She seems to be playing a video game of some kind

GA: NO! I Dodged It’s Grabbing Lunge And Got Away, How In The Blazing Hell Did That Fat Fucking Bastard Catch Me?!!

She seems to be having a bad time.

TT: You seem to be having a good time.

GA: I Am Having An Absolutely Lively Celebration...

TT: Do you have a minute?

GA: I Do Now. I Need A Break Anyways, For This Game Has Ben Crush My Patience For Several Half-Hours Now.

TT: What were you playing? An RPG Action game?

GA: A Gaming Title That John Discovered Recently.  Supposed To Be Considered Quite The Quality Recreational Engagement From What I Understand.

TT: Seems like a lot of fun.

GA: It Is! I Am Rather Enjoying Myself.

TT: I was... being sarcastic?

GA: And I Was Being Sincere.

TT: It sounded like you were hating it with a true passion.

GA: I Was... But In A Sort Of ♠Caliginous Manner♠. I Don’t Know What It Is, But This Game’s Brutality Is Rewarding When You Overcome It’s Challenges~♠

GA: This Thing Sincerely Hates Me, But It Wants Me To Win, And So I Hate It In Return For That~♠

TT: Uh-huh... anyways, I wanted to talk to you about our guests that are going to arrive shortly

GA: Terezi And Roxy? In Relation To Johnathan I Assume.

TT: Yes, more specifically on how we are going to break the news to them directly. I am not sure as to what method we should use.

GA: Perhaps Isolating Them Would Help Us Engage In The Relaying Of Our Honestly Dour Predicament?

TT: Maybe, but as I said, I am not certain, this whole situation is tricky to even talk about with John.

GA: Well, We Don’t Have The Time To Dally On It All Evening, They As Our Guests Will Be Arriving Within The Hour.

TT: I actually expected both of them to be here sooner, I suppose they had to take care of something before coming.

GA: But More To Your Point, Maybe It’s Better If We Just Told Them Both Up Front At Once  And Get It Out Of The Way.

TT: Both at once? Why? That just seems like a way to escalate the situation to an all time high, wouldnt it be better to just be more subtle and work up to it?

GA: If We Did That We Might Make Things Worse, Especially With Terezi, Who Has A Habit Of Figuring Things Out, Being A Seeress Of Mind And All.

TT: How do you think Terezi will react? I can fathom what Roxy might do, probably become distraught over news of John’s self-harm, but Terezi I don’t think I can predict given how wild she is.

GA: She... Might Be Calm And Collected About It, OR She Might Become Overly Furious Over Him Committing Such An Act.

GA: Which Is To Say That I Am Not Sure Either As To How Terezi Will React Either. I Am A Bit Worried How This Is Going To Transpire.

TT: A stern possiblity is that th-*KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK*

TT: Sounds like our guests ar-*KR4SH*

TT: !!!

GA: !!!

TT: I do believe that our guests are indeed here... glad one of them could give us an adequate amount of time to prepare for their entry

*Terezi and Roxy enter the room, proving the Seer of Light correct in her assumption of their arrival. They dont appear overly happy at the moment.*

CG: G33T1NGS OTH3R L4LOND3. N1C3 TO SM3LL YOU 4G41N K4N4Y4!

GA: Good To “See“ You As Well, Terezi. I Hope Your Trip Was Fruitful.

CG: 1T W4SNT, 4S 1 4M ST1LL CURR3NTLY SHORT OF 4 VR1SK4...

TG: hey rosie, how you doin?

TT: Hello Roxy, I am doing fi-

CG: WH3R3S JOHN?

TT: That was brief. What? You don’t want to relax and catch up for few minutes?

CG: YOU C4LL3D M3 4W4Y FROM MY S34RCH FOR MY SCOURG3 S1ST3R, NOW 1 W4NT TO KNOW WHY. 1 4M 4SSUM1NG 1TS SOM3TH1NG S1GN1F1C4NTLY 1MPORT4NT, 4S YOU H4V3 R1SK3D MY WR4TH. 1 WOULD R4TH3R SK1P TH3 PL34S3NTR13S 4ND G3T TO TH3 PO1NT 1F YOU DONT M1ND.

TT: He’s...

TT: Actually I am not sure what he is up to at the moment.

GA: He Is Currently In His Respite Block I Believe.

CG: WH1CH R41S3S TH3 QU3ST1ON 4S TO WHY H3 1S H3R3 TO B3G1NG W1TH.

TG: ye, y isnt he at his house? you made it snd like smt srs happended

GA: As You Were Informed, Johnathan Is The Subject Of Strenuous Circumstances And Has Come Under Our Watchful Care.

TG: wat kind of issues we talkin here? like hes got a broken leg or pranked the wrong asshole and now we got a polkal debecle again, or wats the story here? TG: *political debacle

TT: No, it’s more like something along the lines of personal care. He... well, in your’s and Terezi’s absence he seemed to have become reclusive and appeared to have gotten depressed and he might have engaged in some harmful behavior.

TG: wat? laik he tried to hang himself or smthing?

TT: Um.... oh boy...ok so, “Tried” isn’t the word I would use... buuut...

TG: ...w-wait, wat the fuck r u saing rose? did he actually try to kill himself or smthing?

GA: Should We Just Tell Them?

TG: tell us what?

CG: TH4T SOM3TH1NG R34LLY B4D H4PP3N3D TO JOHN. 1F YOUR3 B31NG TH1S DODG3Y, TH4T WOULD 1MPLY TH4T 1T W4S OF TH3 D1R3 V4R13TY 4ND W3 M1GHT P4N1C, SO STOP ST4LL1NG 4ND T3LL US WH4T H4PP3ND3D!

GA: Rose, I Acknowledge That You Already Had A Plan In Place To Prepare Them But Should We Simply Tell Them Now? It Seems They Made A Number Of Assumptions They, And Are Making Things Worse.

TT: Im literally trying to tell them. But im trying to do it in a way that wont make them hysterical!

TG: tell us wat?! nuff of the third degre and tell us whats goin on with john! hes ok right?!

TT: Yes, at this moment he is fine. You shouldnt be so worried right now.

CG: BUT H3 W4SNT F1N3, OR 3LS3 YOU WOULDNT H4V3 US3D THOS3 WORDS 1N ORD3R TO D3SCR1B3 H1S CURR3NT COND1T1ON 1N R3L4T1ON TO WH3N YOU OR1G1N4LLY FOUND H1M

GA: Rose I... Think They Have A Strong Idea Of What Happended, I Do Not Think There Is Much To Be Gained In Dragging This Out.

TT: *sigh* Very well then... a week ago, we were getting worried about John and his condition as he was becoming withdrawn and his behavior was particularly odd. He wasn’t really as energetic or as lively as he once was and Kanaya and I began to notice. He wasn’t answering any of my calls or messages for a long while, so Kanaya was sent to his home to investigate if he was well... turned out he... wasnt

TG: ...and? what was wrong?

TT: Um... we arent entire sure what caused it, or if John was aware of what he did to himself. God this is harder to break than I thought.

GC: W41T... YOUR3 S4Y1NG TH4T H3 4CTU4LLY... TR13D TO OFF H1MS3LF?!

TT: ...Apparently, yes... Kanaya found him in his bathtub.

TG: back the fuck up, what do you mean by that exactly?!

GA: I Found Him In His Bathtub... There...There Was Blood Everywhere And He Was... Not Moving... I Was Afraid He Was Gon And... I Kissed Him In An Attempt To Revive Him-

TG: but you said he was alive right?! hes ok right now?!

TT: Yes, as stated, he is currently all right. Its as though it never happened. Kanaya Revived Him.

TG: so hes ok then, right now i mean?

TT: Yes, he’s fit as a fiddle. As I said, its like it never happended.

TG: ok good, terezi, they said he was in his room in this apartment, didnt they?

CG: Y34H TH3Y D1D, WH1CH M34NS H3S SOM3WH3R3 1N H3R3

TG: thanks rezi *does the rouge of voidy thing and vanishes tfo*

GA: Um... What Did Roxy Intend With That Stipulation Prior To Her Visual Diminishing?

GA: Then Why Did She Engage Her Voidy Powers?

=======

Elsewhere in the apartment, a very hysterical broad slowly opens the door to her boyfriends bedroom, and finds him watching a video with a pair of earphones, meaning the door opening went unheard. He seems rather into it, not sure why, but either way provides the broad with an opportunity to do this to the bum that she calls boyfriend.

*PILLOW SMACK*

EB: AH WHAT THE FUCK?!  *windy thing*

EB: holy shit what was that?!

TG: me, thats what *un-voidy thing appearify*

EB: oh, its just you... what the hell is- *PILLOW BOPPED*

EB: ow! what the motherfucking shit roxy?!

TG: im motherfucking mad as hell at u right now, thats the motherfucking shit, john!

EB: well, hello again to you too i guess, why the fuck are you mad exactly?

TG: u kno exactly why im mad u dum adorable bastard, u cant fool me!

EB: oh... u saw it then?

TG: no! i wasnt there and shit, i just learned about it! i would have been here sooner if i knew what you did to yourself!!!

EB: ...wait, what are you talking about?

TG: u killing urself and kanaya finding you dead in the bathtub, wat the ever living shit do u think i was talking about?!

EB: ooooh, hehehe, thought you were mad about something else.

TG: wha-...what in the hell r u doin laffin about this? this is srs! REALLY serious! Seriously, why in loving fuck are you so chipper about this shit?!

EB: well its kind of hard to explain but-

*Rose, Kanaya and Terezi Appear*

TT: May I ask what you two are doing that is doing me a significant concern?

GA: I Second This Query, What Are You Doing?

EB: hey rose, kanaya...

EB: t3r3z1...

GC: JOHN...

TT: Roxy, answer me, what were you doing running off like that?

TG: to see john, duh!

TT: And why was there a commotion that was making a stir the ocean?

EG: hah!

TG: dude, srsly, i am so srs right now, y r u laughing?

EB: cuz it was funny?

TG: how could u be lafing about this shit?

EB: like i said it was funny! or at least i thought it was funny, so why wouldnt i laugh?

TG: because u killed yourself, or tried to! this isnt something u should be laughing about!

GC: 1 AGR33 W1TH 1NFORM4L L4LOND3, TH1S S1TUT4T1ON 1S NO L4UGH1NG M4TT3R. DO YOU M1ND T3LL1NG US YOUR S1D3 OF TH3 STORY FOR TH3 S4K3 OF POST3R1TY?

TG: yeah, tell us y u did it john! from your mouth, i wanna hear what u have 2 say bout wat happened.

EB: um... ok, theres really not much to say. where do you want me to start? 

GC: HOW 4BOUT TO TH3 PO1NT? D1D YOU DO 1T JOHN 3GB3RT? D1D YOU 4CTU4LLY TRY TO K1LL YOURS3LF?

EB: i don’t i did?

TG: da fuks that supposed to mean? u either did it or u didnt! now which is it?!

EB: i guess i did it in my sleep then? i dont really remember how it happended if im being honest, i just sort of went to sleep one night and i woke up in the bathtub with kanaya...

GC: TH4TS 4LL YOU R3M3MB3R?

EB: thats all i remember!

GC: ...

GC: BULLSH1T! YOU H4V3 TO B3 OM1TT1NG SOM3TH1NG! NOW STOP PR3T3ND1NG TO B3 4 CR1M1N4L W1TH SOM3TH1NG TO H1D3 4ND T3LL US WH4T YOUR3 H1D1NG!

TT: Oh God, Terezi, no! Stop this line of questioning immediately! Its not good for him to be invoking emotions he doesn't feel comfortable invoking on his own!

EB: ok, this is getting a little bit uncom-

TG: would u knock it the fuck off rose? were tryin to get a grasp of the situation, we got a right to know whats going on!

EB: can you guys ju-

TT: Thats not your call to make, you aren’t his therapist, I am!

GC: L3G4LLY OR AR3 YOU JUST S4Y1NG TH4T TO L3ND YOURS3LF 4N 41R OF 4UTHORITY?

TT: Yes, legally! I’ve been having therapeutic sessions with him and helping him adjust enough to get comfortable and you two have been undoing all of that progress with your incessant questioning like an unexpected inquisition!

TG: well we didn expect him to offhimself while we were gon n shit rosie, wegot a right to know y he did it and all that jazz so we can help him!

EB: guys, seri-

TT: Yes you do have a right, but you need to wait until John is ready, any sooner and you might make him more withdrawn. That’s why we didn’t have John with us so that we could minimize stress!

GC: W3LL TH1S WHOL3 SH1TTY S1TU4T1ON 1S STR3SS1NG M3 TH3 H3LL OUT! 1 D1DNT W4NT TO COM3 JUST TO F1ND OUT MY K1SM3S1S 1S ON TH3 BR1NK OF T4K1NG H1MS3LF OUT! HOW DO YOU TH1NK W3 F33L 4BOUT TH1S?!

TT: Its not about you, Terezi, its about helping John, and your current behavior isnt helping anything at all, including your stress!

EB: guys im willing to help, it’s jus-

TG: doesn't help when we don’t know what happened to john. laik, did he do it or did he not do it?!

TT: That’s what we are trying ti figure out, Roxy, it’s just that this is going to take time, and we need to give him space so he can get adjusted and emotionally heal, and you two are making that quite difficult to do in the first place!

TG: bullshit! ur tellin me u had all week to figure out what the fuck went down and u still have-

GA: Would You Collection Of Inconsiderate Buffoons

GA: ♣SHUT THE EVER LOVING FUCK UP!!!♣

TT: <:X

TG:<:P TG:*<:O

CG: !!! >:O

EB: <:B

GA: ♣THE SINCERITY THAT IS MY PERSONAL DISBELIEF AT THE WITNESSING OF YOUR APPALLING MISTREATMENT OF YOUR QUADRANT-MATE IS MAKING ME ABSOLUTELY GOD DAMN FUCKING LIVID!!! NO WONDER HE TRIED TO HOMICIDE HIMSELF, HE HAS YOU TWO TO MAKE HIM FEEL LIKE LIFE ISNT WORTH LIVING TO BEGIN WITH!!! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU INCONCEIVABLY VEXING FUCKWIT CUNTS?!♣(♠?)

GC: 4LL R1GHT NOW SM3LL H3R3 M1SSY FUSSY F4NGS! 1 W1LL-

GA: NO! Shut! Up! Cease Your Bitching This Instant And Remain Silent Before I Literally Smack Your Shit Out Of My Hive!!!

GC: ...ok  <:T

GA: You Two... You Two Are Supposed To Be His Quadrant-Mates... And Upon Learning Of His Predicament, This Is How You Treat Him? By Interrogating Him Endlessly Like He Did Something Wrong?! You Have Done Nothing But Not Even So Much As Asked Him How He Felt! You Should Be Consoling Him, Not Berating Him Like You Are Doing Now!

TG: i dont have to take this, wat do u think we’re doin? we’re tryin to help him and we’re-

TT: Actually, it seems like you two are trying to get to the bottom of things on your own terms, but from what I can tell, you two are merely panicking about it.

TG: ...

GC: ...

TG: ok... maybe we did panic a lil, and...

TG: shit i didnt this through at all did i?

EB: can i say something?

TT: Of course you may John. This situation IS literally about you.

EB: yeah, i... roxy, terezi, i don’t know what happened to me, but im being honest, i really dont know how i ended up in the tub. and since i guess you two care alot about me, you were upset over me not being open with you or something?

TT: John, its not your faul-

EB: hey! can i finish!?

TT: ...Just remember that its not your fault...go on.

EB: thanks rose. anyways... whatever is making you angry about this... its ok i think. we can just talk it out, right? 

GC: ...Y34H, W3 C4N B3 R4T1ON4L 4BOUT TH1S.

TG: i just wanna kno y u didnt tell us about how you were feelin. like were u sad or some shit?

TT: AH! We can discuss all of this later, together, in a more formal setting. Otherwise, let’s just focus on relaxing. I think we should just this all emotional turmoil for when we are ready.

TG: ok! but just let me ask one serious question.

TT: If John wants to answer, then go ahead.

EB: sure rox, only under the condition u tell me y u panicked so hard that u snuck up on me to hit me with a pillow.

TG: i was... mad. thats y i rogued u.

EB: about what exactly?

TG: alot of things. things like, when i asked u to come wtih me an calliope on our tour and u said no. made me think u were mad or sad or something when rose told me bout ur... tub-nap, like i did it or something.

EB: oh... i said no because i thought you and calli wanted some space, thats all.

TG: dude! if we wanted space we would have let u know up front! i dont play that shit! i asked u to cum because we both wanted u to cum!

GC: H3H3H3H3H3H3333

TG: y u laffin?

GC: OH JUST SOM3TH1NG FUNNY 1 THOUGHT 4BOUT

TG: whateves, rez. look, john, im sorry if i made you feel bad at any point over the last few yeras, but i need u to talk to me about this sort of thing, ok? im also sorry about boppin u with a pillow, that was a dick move on my part. TG:*years

EB: its roxy, dont worry about it! you were just having a panic attack-

TG: no its not, u scared the fuck outta me, and i really... REALLY dont wanna lose u! espeically not like that! i ju-

TT: I think thats enough for now. We can have a therapy session sometimes next week. For now lets just calm down and try to have a good time together, ok?

GC: HMMMM

GA: Is There Something You Wish To Add Terezi?

GC: MMMMM, NOT H3R3. JOHN, YOU 4ND 1 W1LL T4LK L4T3R

EB: oh great, alone with the swamp monster that licks everything and rarely brushes, fan freaking tastic.

GC: W3 W1LL SP34K 4S M4T3S, 4ND NOT 4S R1V4LS, YOU D1TZ.

EB: ...... uh...

TT: Ok! We are done in here. We shouldn’t even be having this honestly rather awkward conversation in John’s bedroom of all places.

TT: Why don’t we all go downstairs and watch a movie, or play a videogame or something. I’ll order us a pizza for dinner!

GA: No.

TT: ...Kanaya, we talked about this. You can’t stop me from ordering pizza, even if you wanted to. Besides we have guests, so one more night of Italian gourmet isn’t going to kill any of us.

GA: That Is Not What I Meant, But If You Wish To Get Fat, Be Guest Rose, For I Shall Love You All The Same.

TG: pfff-fff-fft, rood~

GC: H3H3H3H3333

TT: In that case, what do you mean by “No” then?

GA: No. As In, No, We Shall Not Be Engaging In Familial Bonding. Not With Me And Not With Johnathan.

EB: really? how come?

GA: Because You And I Are Going Out Together.

EB: you mean like a date?

GA: ♣An Ashen One, Yes♣

EB: those are a thing?

GA: Yes, They Are.

GC: NOT W1THOUT 4LL THR33 P4T1C1P4NTS TH3YR3 NOT!

GA: Yes, They Are, Terezi. Especially If The Auspice Feels The Need To Punish One Member.

EB:.... uuuuuuuhh, why are we going out together?

GA: Because I Don’t Think That After This Little Fiasco Of Theirs In Reacting To News Of Your Apparent Suicide, It Would Be Wise To Avoid Rewarding Them For Such Behavior. That And In Light Of What Has Transpired, I Do Not Feel Very Comfortable Without Knowing You Are All Right On My Terms.

TG: hang, u cant just make a desicion like that, i wanna spend time with john for a while! i didnt end my vacation just to let him flounder like a depressed fish by hijmself! i came here to help fix him!

GA: That Is Not What I Saw.

TG: well, john doesent haf to go if he doesent want to, so there.

EB: ...well...

TT: It... actually would be a nice way of resetting the mood. Getting a fresh start all that. And it could give us to catch up together, Roxy! I can fill you in better and what we can do.

GC: 1T WOULD M4K3 OUR PR3D1C4M3NT R4TH3R L3SS...3MB4R4SS1NG TH4N WH4T 1T 1S. YOU D1D K1ND OF P4N1C TH3R3 4 B1T, ROX.

EB: ... i guess that is kind of a good idea. i wont if you dont want me to though cuz i really don’t want to upset you again as well as placate Kanaya and stuff along with other shenanigans maybe.

TG: ... ur fukin luky that ur kewt... fine, u go out an have a good time or somthin we’ll stay here and wait 4 u 2 come home.

EB: great, i’ll c u latr gatr!

TG: 1 more thing *mmmwah*... im sorry again... i shoulndt have been a bitch in rage or wateves~♥

EB: heh... not problem rox <:d EB:*<:D

GC: *L1CKS*

EB: AH-GOD DAMMIT TEREZI YOU FUCKING GOBLIN CRETIN!

GC: YOUR3 ST11L MY N3RD, SO DONT FORG3T TH4T... S33 YA L4T3R DUMMY~♠

GA: Very Well Then, Now That You Group Of Flighty Broads Have Been Calmed, We Can Be On Our Way. Come Along Johnathan.

EB: all righty then, cya roxy! later rose! good to c u dumbass!

*John and Kanaya Absconds*

[carmineclock]

Dead Man Blues

Doc Scratch 4:28 PM

Its been an hour or so since your big meeting with the others, hopefully things have cooled down somewhat since then. You'd like to think you kept it quite calm and tasteful, despite your overall annoyance. Most of this time you spent updating your journal. You really have to do something about all these journals, its not safe to keep so many. And yet... With a sigh you set your pen aside. Time to do yet more damage control. You still think theres a chance you can get through to Trace, though perhaps you might be as bad as Clover in taht regard. Hoping is one thing, some men just dont change. Still, you make your way down to the holding cells. Perhaps your chat with Trace just needed a more dire backdrop. A broken arm and a cold concrete room with metal bars could be just what the Doctor ordered. Hoo hoo.

Trace 9:01 PM

Dire backdrop is an understatement. Your arm is long swollen, wrapped carefully in your shirt to give it some stability. You know a bit of first aid, but that is surprisingly difficult when it's your own arm and the only means you got available are what you have on your person. The new wound on your chest is just as aching, red and bloody with a hint of gold. You may have managed to pass out for a few hours, but you could hardly call that sleep, especially with that nightmare. Her body, stabbed and strung up - not Aradia's, but Nepeta's. A message to the one closest to her - Fin, angryy setting fire to your very self. The images linger, even long after you finally come to. And then the nightmare after you wake up - Snowman and how she dragged Fin in for your mutual punishment. How she used your wedding rings to violently erase the tattoo on your chest marking your love and relationships. When Scratch enters, you're wide awake, as much as you loathe it. Your mind still feels foggy and worlds away, definitely not prepared for a talk with him.

Doc Scratch 2:28 AM

You study him as you walk in, taking note of the remnants of Snowmans lesson. As graceful as she is deadly, as always. The gold makes a nice addition in your opinion. You take a chair from the nearby table and move it to in front of the bars in silence. After you moment you sit backwards with your arms resting over the back of the chair sit down normally, like a gentleman. This isnt an interrogation, or a call for confession, its just a conversation. "So, lets have it out, Trace. Whats this Droog business really all about. Dont you realize what youve cost yourself?"

Trace 9:51 AM

It never not feels like an interrogation with Scratch. You look up and watch him as he gets comfortable, then stare off to the side when he speaks. The muscles in your jaw tense, and when you reply, your hoarse and cracking voice clearly shows your exhaustion and pain. "Sir.. Do we really need to do this now? I'm not exactly the best for a talk right now and I'm really not too keen on netting me another scar for mouthing off..." Of course, you're aware he wouldn't have it any other time then when you're broken and at your wit's end.

Doc Scratch 11:27 AM

"If you're worried about your mouth, then I suggest you keep a civil tongue. I'm not concerned, though. Theres a kind of freeing honesty that cement walls and metal bars bring that can be found nowhere else. At this point, I would rather you speak freely, its just us now." Just the two of you. Man to man, or whatever Trace can be considered. Its an interesting thought, his classification may change as his DNA did. You'll have to look into that later. For now, your eyes are solely on him. His broken body, his pain. "Tell me true, Trace. I want to hear it. All of it. I wont punish you for speaking truthfully when asked. Its lies I hate the most."

Trace 3:03 PM

You give him a sour smile. You'll believe it when you see it. "What this is about, you really gotta ask?" Feels like you already talked plenty enough about this, and you doubt you got anything else to say that could placate him. Only plenty of frustration that has built up over everything, and you're way too tired to filter your words. Lets see who of the two of you is going to regret that more. "I.. am sorry that any of this ever reflected back on you, Nepeta or any of the Felt. It should never have been anything but personal. Which, I realize...  there's not really a personal in this outfit, is there?" you begin, actually honestly. "This... it was nothing more than a brawl between two guys heated up on a little too much emotion. But then this bastard.. abducted Nepeta, tortured and abused her, and then me. Cause he was pissed he got decked in the face. And he kept going, provoking us again and again, paralyzing her, seducing another, hurting us, as a whole, again and again. How could you expect me to do just nothing? You've been sending a signal, to them and to us, that they can just pick members of this very house off the street and do with us what they want." You try to sit up properly to face him better, wincing from the pain shooting through your arm again. "How has this not been a war yet for fuck's sake? How come Snowman can take the god damn white queen hostage, but we sit idle when the Crew come to pick us apart bit by bit? How come Snowman can take the god damn white queen hostage, but we sit idle when the Crew come to pick us apart, bit by bit?"

Doc Scratch 6:17 PM

You sit in silence, letting him say what hes going to say. You dont blame him for his views, and if anything, this lashing out may prove beneficial to you. No matter what happens from now on, Droog will have the reminder in the back of his mind. Certainly he wont forget it. Idly, you pull at the edge of your gloves, nodding every so often through his heated speech. Well, hes partially right on certain fronts. It really should have been war by now, whether you wanted it to be or not. The crew have gotten bolder and bolder, could it be your fault? Through inaction, have you allowed the crew more purchase on this slippery slope than you'd intended? "To start off, I'll answer your question. The reason it has not been war yet is because we did not have the numbers to win a war." You let out a silent sigh. "In truth, I'd hoped to collect our full set before provoking the Crew into an all out battle. I dont know how many wars you've seen, Trace, but I've seen enough to know that as much as you and all the others may want to go to war, young men that you are, we are not in a favored position for it. The Crew will always have the love of the common people, they built this city, and those that reside here are their kin. They have the better defenses, and most importantly, they have magic. True magic, the likes of which I cant begin to match." You pause to stand, arms folded behind your back as you pace, speaking more to the open air than to Trace now.

"Snowman is an army in her own right, its folly to compare anything or anyone to her. This little brawl you've had with Diamonds, its beyond reason and a waste of resources besides. If you were provoked into action, then you're a fool, because thats what Diamonds wanted from you. But more than that, you've allowed him to take the higher ground. The city is going to bleed now, I'll see to that, but you've allowed Diamonds to make it personal. And a man on a revenge mission doesnt care for the ruin he causes. I did not take what I've taken of this city for the last fourty years just to see it burned by some self righteous bastard in an Armani tuxedo." Another sigh, louder this time. You rub your temple, pausing in your pacing to look back at him. "Provoking. Abusing. Hurting us. All of us. You're right on that front. What one of us suffers, we all suffer. It was my mistake. I took this for play, the usual violence between men at odds, petty revenge for the sake of sleeping better." “But no, this has gotten well and truly out of hand. And its too late to go back. You’ve signed us up for a a war we were not prepared for, against an enemy whose eyes you’ve spit in, and now you say it should have been sooner. Hmph. Maybe you’re right. I dont hear the heckling of those underneath me, but it would only make sense that you do. So, then, its to be war. Do you have any plans for this war you’ve longed for, Trace? Any soldiers for the army? Connections to supplies and trades? Or did you expect that all you had to do was start it, and that I would finish it?”

Trace 8:05 PM

Well, obviously, you don't have any of these. You didn't plan for a war, let alone prepare for it. This was a selfish and careless act of revenge and he knows that. You're slowly starting to realize that you feel more bewildered about Nepeta's reaction than the prospect of war. This life has already been hell and you're tired of playing along. How little you care about Scratch's achievements and goals. Still, that is not an answer to give your boss and, unfortunately, owner. You close your eyes and think. The least you owe the others is to try  And if you've doomed all of you to die and burn, maybe you can at least rip a big hole into the crew. "..How much longer is he gonna have the favor of the common people if he's burning them? If he lashes out without remose and care, use it against them. With fires burning purple, it's not hard to besmirch their name. You have sucked the people dry under threat of violence and torture if they don't pay up. If you lack manpower, offer then alternatives. The crew is torching Felt warehouses. If it's supplies we lack, take theirs. We may be lacking time to prepare, but so do they. It's not too late to gain the upper hand."

Doc Scratch 1:40 PM

You stand and listen as he rattles off his ideas. Theyre not all without merit, but theyre naive, blunt, though its something you've come to expect. How could he possibly have known what he was getting himself, and the rest of the Felt, into. "Hes not burning them, he's burning us. True, it was careless, but Droog wont stay careless. Hes distraught over his daughters death, but he wont stay that way forever. He has as at least as much of a tactical mind as I do, he was built for war." You run a hand over your head, eyes closed in thought, trying not to imagine plumes of purple smoke eating their way through the Felt manor. Purple and green clash too much, it would be hideous. "I have ways of retaking the people, though its not the dregs of society that I'm worried about. All  I need is a shiny coin and a loaf of bread to win their loyalty back. We need to spread out. We need bases of operation throughout the city, safe places that arent glaring green mansions on a hilltop. If the Crew want war, we have to play their game." Yes, this is sounding more like a plan every passing second. You almost get carried away, before remembering where you are. This is no time to get caught up in nostalgia. "You know, it would be much easier planning if we had our trackers back. You and Fin have skills that will be of paramount importance coming very soon. Yet, I hesitate to bring you into the fold. Why should I trust that you can stay your hand? That your loyalty to this organization will trump your lust for revenge? You've proven the exact opposite is the case. Give me a reason why I shouldn't just let you sit down here and rot until the war is over with."

Trace 7:47 PM

Hey, can't blame you for trying, considering your situation. The night in here didn't exactly allow you to do your homework. Neither does it help with the next question. You look at him, tired as you are, trying to muster up the energy to defend yourself. Can't say you're, heh, dying to prove your loyalty to him, but wasting away down here in this cell doesn't seem like a solution either. "I... can't live without this organization. And neither can those that I care about. I know that my actions didn't exactly show it, but I want to do what I can to help it succeed and keep us all safe where possible." You'd like to assure him that your thirst for revenge is well-quenched - and for now it is. But should anything happen to Nepeta and Fin in this war you've apparently summoned, things could get ugly really fast. You won't tell him that. He's probably well aware. You'd like to not have to come to that though. "You gave the reason yourself. We're good at what we can do, and without us, this is gonna be much harder to deal with. Sure, it's a risk for you, but I'd be the one out there, risking my neck. It's my blood they're after. I'm not expecting your trust. I'm sure if you send me out there again, you'll be keeping a close eye on me, until I'll maybe have proven myself someday. Not sure what else I can give you besides my word, and I don't think that's much worth to you right now."

Doc Scratch 1:35 PM

"Hmm, its true enough." You sit back down, leaning back as you think. If you were a lesser man, you might consider handing him over to the crew and suing for peace. That would only be a short term fix, though, and probably cause more problems than itd solve. Not to mention youre loathe to lose one piece of the set. "In truth, Trace, I dont blame you for your actions. Not fully. Droog brought his suffering upon himself. We're just lucky he was good enough to burn all the  evidence." "At the very least you'll be going back to work soon, though as far away from Fin as possible. Perhaps Crowbar can take up the handle of your keeper. I cant have a mad dog running around doling out a childs version of vigilante justice." "For now, though, youll enjoy these accommodations. Im just having your room prepared."

Trace 1:48 PM

You should probably feel relieved at that response, could have gone much worse, after all. But the feeling of anxiety and dread keeps lingering. "I guess that's only fair." You lean back as well, which sends another pain shooting through your arm. A quiet hiss escapes you. Cursed thing. "Before you leave.. with all due respect, not trying to tell you what to do, but I don't think you'd find having me lose my arm or my life to an infection practical..."

Doc Scratch 1:55 PM

You were aleady on your way out when he makes his request. Now you pause, and turn slightly. "Does it hurt? Good. Its supposed to. Someone will be down soon to tend to it. Think on your mistakes, and how you can do better in the future." With that, you take your leave, closing and locking the door behind you.

[one-more-for-the-sky]

[01/12/18, Friday]

its day 11 it started out rocky again due alarm problems. what the hell! it's been ringing at 850! im supposed to be out the door by 850 or sooner but 850 is definitely the latest i can leave the house that i could speed into work. but mom needed me to come home anyway (yeah i work for my mom. its good work and i take it seriously and anyone who wants to look down on me for it can suck it; i'm doing the best i can right now with all the coliding mental stuff. i'll talk about later on in this entry) John left some of his notes on a certain issue one of our clients is having at the house and i picked them up. kind of lucky there. we loligagged a little. i took out our new pet bunny. she's surprisingly very cuddly for a bunny. i have no prior bunny experiences mind you but still. not what i expected from a large rodent. or any rodent or smaller than a cat like animal. my gliders are certainly not that well behaved though i don't expect it either, energetic and lithe creatures that they are. still she is more endearing than i anticipated. i still am not very fond of rabbits but this one is okay. we chatted for a minute about my baby sister's room. and i was off with the notes and to grab john some water and get gas (not in that order). fridays are my favorite because its a slow day and people generally dont bother me much.

the last bits of yesterday where kind of exhausting and i find myself really challenged by the excuitive function disorder i have. i kept thinking about where i want to put this or that and thought to myself, just do it! but ultimately didn't. i rewarded myself too early. to my credit, i was exhausted. but still. today i will try to work first THEN reward myself. it is a habit of mine and it enables my EFD (excuitive function disorder). so basicly i just played a lot of video games yesterday.

i just feel jittery and unfocused for right now. hopefully it will change.

the house is a mess of laundry. i am sensing a much needed "20 minutes of cleaning" (read: 120 minutes of cleaning) from mom which is a chance for attitude from everyone. not excited. so when i get home, i'll definitly clean first. i think i'll start with tiding up the dinning room because that's really how you can tell if the house is in dire straits. If the dinning room is messy then it is time for a family cleaning session. i didn't even make the mess. i would agree to cleaning the kitchen or do the laundry but nothing else, but that's not going to fly, really. i should either start in the music room or the dinning room... Probably the dinning because you see it when you walk in and its the most visible eye sore, and then the dinning and move to the kitcheny part the den, the den i'll leave to vannah and mom. savannah's stuff is littered across the floor and even for me, its agrovating to look at. but i have to remind myself that my baby sister is probably worse of than me when it comes to EFD and adhd. there is definitly going to be a fight about that, i can feel it. i hope im wrong though.

mom suggested i log what i end up eating. at the time, i was offended by the suggestion. sounds silly but you have to keep in mind the historical obsession about my weight and food intake my mother has expressed over the years, sense i was small and still very impressionable. i still don't really know what to make of it, all the dietary routine changes i was mad to go though and shamed for. i was 13! 14! 15! I was young and still growing. i was in an important part of my developing as a person and myself worth, and what did i learn? that im too thick. i didn't really think i was at the time, but how can i say no to the person driving me around and im not in charge of my destination? it was wholy unfair... im not really saying that this is the root of all my self-esteam issues but it didn't help. not only did my peers see me as imperfect and flawed, so did my family. its hard to think about. i try to forget. so therefore the suggestion of working out, of listing what i eat or anything else by mom is offensive initially. in hindsight, yeah it a good idea. i just hate to admit it because of the implications.

speaking of my peers, my social/educational/school experience in childhood? fucking. awful. about the time i was in 3rd grade i really started to notice people didn't like me much. i can't remember much else than that. i know i wasn't a popular person in 1st or 2nd grade and i'm not even going to count kindergarden, but 3rd grade is where most of my memory begins. my teacher didn't even like me then. said i was a trouble maker and a bad person. not to me, but she made the mistake of saying that to my mother. why did she say that? because i decided i was going to clean up the class room. she said i was a manipulitive little trouble maker for cleaning her class room. this is were my earliest descriminations against me and my adhd and learning disablities really begins and i remember it. forget about my peers for a moment; my teacher hated me for reasons i didn't even know or understand. i wasn't even that hyperactive like some with adhd, but i did have an issue with attention and being a little disruptive with my best friend. at the time, pokemon was the new wild thing and i was utterly obsessed my friend was too, but that was my doing. instead of paying attention, we were playing. i was just a kid being a kid. when it came to start doing the standardized state testing, no one explicitly stated how important these tests were. i seem to remember someone saying that they were just practice and didn't count towards a grade and i thought oh okay, so its okay to mess up. so much so, i chrismas treed the whole thing. the whole goddamn thing, i just put in random bubbles just because i wanted it done and out of the way of whatever. well. that was the catalyst to a lot of issues i had from then on. without the consent of my mother or any discussion to anyone, they placed me and my friend in a "special ed" class, where you basically just colored stuff and glued stuff together and what not. i was in this class for half of a year before our parents found out and were enraged. upon finding out, they rained hot fiery war upon the school, they tried to cover it by saying how worried they were, that weren't sure i could even read. they didn't do any testing. they didn't ask me or my mother anything. long story short, that's a lot of school i missed. it put me behind in reading for years until i was in 7th grade. from there i struggled because of the things i missed out on because a teacher didn't like the disabled child they were responcible for. i think about that a lot. i think about all the late nights being screamed at because i wasn't doing well and struggled in elementry school things. i remember certain things my mom did that i dont really wish to describe, but while school was a battle sometimes going home was worse. it wasn't always like that, but if mom was in a mood, it went there.

my peers were really no better. a throughout, i was very much picked on because i really liked certain things, and they were my hyperfixations. and i was weird and my teeth were wrong. some of my favorite things ive been called when in elementry school: a cockroach, r-slur, someone said they humped me (they didn't but it was still humiliating), called me useless, made fun of my teeth, made fun of me because i made eye contact with people by saying i had a crush on anyone i looked in the eye (it mortified me as a kid because i definitely did not like any of those assholes, i still struggle with this), i was told that 9/11 was my fault, people tried to cut my hair, people stole from me, spat on me.... it was rough. i'm going to stop talking about it for now.

mom, if you're reading this, then you're probably thinking wow, is this really all i think about? or wow i guess im just a terrible awful mom (or some reverse guilt trippin thing you tend to do to try and make me feel bad for validating myself and addressing what you do that hurts me, even though you're the adult and primarily in control of our relationship) or also wondering why i never talk like this about my father. my father doesn't know me. i am my dad's only child and all he knows about me is that im gay, what i went to college for, and basic likes and dislikes. beyond that, my dad doesn't know me. maybe its the same for my sisters and everyone else but im my dad's only child. i have no competition with him for attention.

i've also have been thinking about myself growing up and my relationship with my sisters. full disclosure: i was not as nice to my sister sabrina as i am today. i was mean. i acknowledge it and think about it all the time. i mean, i was no more a kid myself, but i wasn't nice at all. i didn't even think nicely of her. and worse, i was nicer to savannah than i was her, and im sure that killed her a bit. mom would talk, beg, for me to be nicer. i wasn't like her abusive sister, but it felt like i was taking notes. in part, i blame society and media for what learned about being a sibling. most media i saw and consumed growing up, siblings hated each other, were mean to each other and competed against one another for attention, even in cartoons, that's what i picked up on, and internalized, obviously. my parents obviously didn't do anything to reassure me of that not happening, but i can shoulder some of the responsibility. i have to keep reminding myself, and others that i was just only 8 or 9 or 10 when my sister was born and i already had all these thoughts in my head but by the time i was 13-14-15, it starts to  be a combined effort of me and my parents and upon 16-17-18, i made little to no move to change my ways. i sincerely regret it now. after college and being apart from my family for so long and learning powerful lessons on what stands against the grains of time the strongest, family - particularly my sisters - became the centerpiece of my life. in college i met some interesting people, but the most notable thing i remember hearing from some of them, was how much they hated their siblings, younger or older or otherwise. just hated them for whatever reason. im not sure what exactly i thought, except that i was tired of listening to people act like this and that i had sounded like this too. and after failing some classes and being abandoned by friends, i realized the most important connection i could make was to my siblings. from the moment i decided to stop bad-mouthing them, i embraced them, their quirks, and loved them with everything i had. i still get aggravated with them ofc bc yaknow, nothings perfect, but they were perfect as they were. all i wanted and still want to do is spend time with them. i constantly think on how i was when i was growing up, especially for my little sister sabrina. i wasn't kind, as if the i didn't even know the word. i apologize a lot for it. every so often, i take her aside to talk to her about it. im still afraid to full acknowledge just how much damage i might've caused, but its still my responsibility to make it right and to mend it. sabrina, bless her, tells me not to worry, that she understands, that she doesn't remember a lot, except for a few things that make me cringe at myself. i apologize a lot. even now i am still sorry. i hope i am making up for it. i hope she doesn't grow to resent me, as i likely deserve. i love her so much i just want her to be happy and fulfilled and safe. i hate myself for how i was.

and i worry. a lot. its not exactly the same, theres a lot of different aspects to their dynamics, but i sometimes see myself in how sabrina acts towards savannah and it worries me. savannah is a lot less forgiving. a lot closer to bina's age and therefore harder to impress later on should sabrina change her tune. they both go at it though. savannah gives as much sabrina does, and especially so that she's 13 and moody as 13 year old typically are. all the same, i feel like the example i led has won out to the example i try to lead now and it frightens me. i want all 3 of us to be close. for all we've suffered together, to be alone in the world once our parents are gone frightens the shit out of me. more than anything, i want us to remain close. all three of us. i worry a lot about our relationship with each other...

anyway, so yeah i'm currently living with and working for my parents. i do take the work seriously even if doesn't look it and im proud of my (few) acomplishments. and living with them has its ups and downs. it feels good on hand to start from the ground up on how to like. live. how to be a person. or something. sorry i know i was going to go into this, but the previous topic got me down a little. i'm changing the subject.

my desk came in early, and im excited to put it together. can't wait really.

eh. i'm bumbed. will consider the listing of foods i eat.

peace.