#and funny and kind and smart and silly and brilliant and beautiful and you

[paradoxolotl]

Put a tiny ponytail in the toddler’s hair today. Caught sight of himself in the mirror and immediately yelled “I’M SO PRETTY!!” and struck a pose. The way my heart swelled

[no-144444]

꩜summary: his sports car doesn't impress you, but he hopes he can still make it work

꩜pairing: andrea kimi antonelli x fem! reader

꩜a/n: slight smut (18+) Bella= beautiful in italian :)

Your dad was clear; ‘Don’t mess with Kimi’. 

How was it your fault if he messed with you first? 

“One more minute, Bella,” he whispered against your lips, his hands roaming up your shirt. He had quali in less than an hour, and he needed to be in the car already, but no. He was here, with you, kissing you silly. You chuckled against him, then pushed him away, getting up and off his lap. He groaned in frustration as he adjusted his trousers. 

“I have to get out of here before my dad personally comes to find me,” you announced, fixing your hair and makeup in the mirror. He watched from behind you, his eyes captivated by the way you moved, spoke, and smiled. He was falling fast, and you didn’t even seem to notice. It was impressive. “And you need to deal with your hard-on,” you turned back to him, a practically sadistic smirk on your lips. 

His cheeks heated and he blushed, but he didn’t shy away from your gaze as he did before. He started you right in the eyes and smirked, taking your hand again. “Maybe you could take care of it, huh?” he smirked, a cocked eyebrow to match. You laughed and kissed his cheek, leaving a mark you knew he’d rub off if he was halfway smart, and shook your head. 

“Good luck in quali Kimi, don’t crash the damn thing,” you saluted and closed the door behind you, leaving Kimi pent up, and yourself giddy. Kimi was a nice guy. He was young, he was new, he was it apparently. Your dad adored him and so did your mom. He got on with George and all the other drivers. He was funny and sweet, and totally not yours. You liked him, sure. He was the kind of boyfriend every girl would want, but you weren’t the right kind of girl for him. You were messy and mean, and you knew the novelty of the ‘cool girl’ would wear off eventually, so you didn’t really mind messing around with him, because it was always going to be temporary. It always was. 

The team were out celebrating George’s engagement when the attention turned to Kimi. He might have been the new kid on the block, but he was sure he’d never get used to all the prying questions. Not that he was a closed book, he just didn’t exactly enjoy questions about his personal life every few seconds. 

“What about you Kimi, any girlfriends?” Toto mused and Kimi stilled for a split-second. 

Then he laughed and shook his head, all too aware of the fact that he was speaking to his boss, yes, but also to the father of the girl he was trying to pin down and make his girlfriend, for real. He cleared his throat. “No, not right now-” there was meant to be a ‘but’ there, but Toto cut him off before he could finish. 

“See, that’s what I like to see!” he announced to the table of various sponsors. They chuckled around him as Kimi’s cheek heated, then the cheering came. “No distractions, no messing around, just pure racing.” 

Toto had that fatherly look in his eye, the one Kimi saw more than he probably should’ve. More than you probably saw it. It wasn’t lost on him, the strained relationship you two had. It was pretty obvious, and you didn’t care to talk about it, so he didn’t ask. But Toto talked. He talked about how disappointed he was with you quitting racing despite being brilliant. He talked about how he disapproved of your current career (software engineer student), because he saw your potential. 

“But,” Kimi continued, the cheers quelling. “I do have my eye on someone,” he shrugged as Toto’s face dropped, and the rest of the table cheered louder. 

“Well, you could get anyone you wanted mate,” George chuckled, swinging an arm over his shoulder. “You’re a racing driver.”

Kimi chuckled. “I don’t think she’d be impressed by that. She’s not into sports cars.” 

And it was too late to realise the damage he’d done. Toto’s face hardened, and it took him about 5 minutes before he got up and dialled your number, Kimi none the wiser. 

The next two races were pretty lonely. You weren’t there, weren’t accepting his calls or texts, and Toto was being weird. 

“Kimi,” Toto’s voice rang out like his teachers when he fell asleep in class. “My office.”

He gulped but followed him suit, practically shitting himself. What had he done? What was going to happen? Totos' office was bland, but there were pictures of Susie, Jack, you, and your two older siblings. He cared about it, that much as clear. He just didn’t know how to channel it. Toto sat across from him, his tall frame imposing and intimidating. “Do you know what this is about?”

Kimi shrugged, then realised he should probably be a bit more professional. He cleared his throat. “Umm… no. Not really.”

“You won’t be bothered by Y/n anymore,” Toto nodded. “I’m sorry about her behaviour, it was entirely inappropriate and she knows what she’s meant to be here for, and it’s not that.”

“Oh… um, I asked her out,” Kimi admitted, his leg bouncing wildly, knowing what this confession might cause. “I really like her, and I’d treat her really well- promise! I think she’s awesome. She’s super smart and funny, and she’s a super positive person. Not to mention the fact that she’s beautiful and-” he cleared his throat again, realising that he was rambling about you to your father. “Yeah,” he played with his necklace, trying desperately to calm himself down as he felt another drip of sweat drop down his back. 

Toto was bewildered by the sight in front of him. “You… asked her out?” 

Kimi cocked an eyebrow. “Yes…?”

“Huh,” Toto hummed, looking down. Kimi’s confusion only grew. He looked up again. “Well… I guess I can’t stop you from having a relationship, but I still need your full focus on the races, yes?”

“Of course,” Kimi nodded. “Full attention.”

Toto smiled. “Good, you’re free to go.”

Walking out of his office, Kimi felt a weird sense of confession. He had told Toto before he’d told you that he wanted you. 

He sent you another text. 

After another week of no replies, he decided it was time to get creative, and get creative he did. He somehow weaselled his way out of school for a few days to go and hunt you down in Monté-Carlo, so that you would finally respond to him. 

“That’s it,” George explained over the phone. “That’s her place. It’s their old house but Toto, Susie, and Jack moved out a few months ago to a new place, closer to the airport, and she stayed there to start college on her own.”

“So she should be at home by now?” he questioned, pulling into your driveway, the cosy house ahead of him making him think of you immediately. 

“Yeah, she does online classes and works at a cafe nearby, she should be done, so Susie says,” he nodded. “Alright mate, good luck.”

“Thanks mate,” Kimi huffed as he got out of his car, ending the call. 

Your doorbell was loud, like, annoyingly loud. Therefore Kimi ringing it until you came out was loud. 

“What the fuck are you doing here?” you demanded as you swung open the door, a look of surprise on Kimi’s face. That melted into a soft, boyish, perfectly Kimi smile. You rolled your eyes. 

“I wanted to see you,” he shrugged. “Want to go for a drive?” he offered, keys in hand. Behind him stood his new Mercedes AMG GT 63 S, and again, you rolled your eyes. 

“I don’t care about cars-”

“I know you don’t,” he chuckled. “But you do care about me.” 

You stared back at him. He had a lot of nerve coming up to you after getting you banned from the paddock and a 4 hour long lecture about sleeping around with your dads drivers- which you didn’t do with Kimi. You didn’t sleep with anyone, you were just flirtatious by nature, and he hated it. You got on with people, you had interpersonal skills and he didn’t and it pissed him off. “You’re very presumptuous.”

“You know I’m right,” he took another step forward and snaked a hand around your waist. “Come on Bella, I miss you,” he admitted, pressing a soft kiss to your cheek. He wasn’t his regular flirty and funny self, this was real. He cared. 

“Your car still doesn’t impress me,” you shook your head, brushing his hands off and grabbing your house keys before following him to his car. “And I need to be back soon, I have some homework to get done.” 

“You’re so smart,” he stated, a hand running through your hair mindlessly as he drove the streets of Monaco, as the sun set. You had a favourite route, the one you’d taken him on last summer when whatever this was started. He remembered it. He started that way and you smiled despite yourself, and then focused your eyes on the scenery around you. The blue ocean to your left, the rocky mountains to your right. It was truly stunning. 

He pulled into a little look-out and you both sat in silence for a moment, soaking in the view of the sea in front of you, then you turned to him, and kissed him. 

Of course you did, even though you promised yourself you wouldn’t. You needed to break this off, and just leave him to go racing with your dad, and fade into obscurity in his mind. But something kept you running back. He reached over and grabbed a handful of your ass, spurring you on to climb over the centre console and sit yourself in his lap. Quickly, his kisses grew hungrier, grabbing more of you, holding you closer. He wanted more, needed it. 

“More,” he begged against your lips. A split-second decision meant your top was off and his hands were all over your tits. Fading into obscurity was going really well, clearly. “So beautiful,” he whispered, trailing his kisses down your neck and eventually down to your tits. Next, his hand made its way down your trousers, his fingers lightly brushing against the place you wanted him most. If you could get a fuck out of the last time you’d be together, maybe the heartbreak was worth it? You’d realised in recent times that no, you didn’t dislike Kimi, not at all in fact. You very much liked him. Well, as they say ‘absence makes the heart grow fonder’.

“Fuck, Kimi,” you moaned as he finally quit teasing and finally started pumping his fingers in and out. You grinded against him, sending a shiver down his own spine. 

“Fuck,” he grunted, lost in the pleasure. “Ti amo,” he whimpered as you grinded down on his cock. You stopped all your movements for a moment and looked at him. You both went wide-eyed at what he’d said, and quickly, your top was back on and you were in the passenger seat, waiting for one of you to say something. He licked his fingers clean in the mean-time (gross), and you tried to fix your hair.

“What’s this about then?” you asked. 

“What do you mean?” he asked, shrugging. “I missed you. You weren’t replying to me, so I came to you.” 

You huffed. “Why did you miss me?”

“Because I love you?” he chuckled. 

“You like making out with me before a race, that doesn’t mean you love me,” you argued. “All we do is physical, we never talk about anything which means we don’t even know anything about each other-” 

“I know a lot about you,” he shook his head. “And I want to know more. You know a lot about me too.” “You won’t like me soon,” you murmured. He whipped his head around to look at you, his mouth open to speak. You stopped him. “Don’t, Kimi. I know, it’s fun to fuck the ‘cool girl’ until you actually get into a relationship with me and realise that I’m just a regular person-”

“I want you to be a regular person,” he interrupted, taking your hand tentatively. “And I want you to know I’m not in this for the sex.” 

You turned your head to look at him. “You don’t.” 

“I do,” his voice was soft and light, as if he wasn’t saying something deeply profound. “I think you’re cool, sure. But I also think you're smart, and funny, and a really positive person. You fucking light up the garage when you’re there, and when you’re not, people ask about you all the time. I don’t know what idiot put these ideas into your head, but you need to forget them. I want you, and I want you to be you. I don’t want some polished, less version of yourself. I want the real you.” 

You didn’t know what to say. You just sat there for a moment collecting your thoughts. “Ok,” you breathed out. “We should give this a try.”

He smiled and pressed a gentle kiss to your hand. “This car is pretty great,” he added after a moment’s silence. You shook your head, laughing. 

“Shut up Kimi.” 

navigation for my blog :)

mercedes & williams masterlist

so close to what masterlist

pop queens mixtape

[chuuyascumsock]

100 reasons why I love you;

1. you're thoughtful

2. you're sweet

3. you're caring

4. you're kind

5. you're beautiful

6. you're hilarious

7. you're adorable

8. you're cute

9. you're perfect

10. you're stunning

11. you're talented

12. your interests

13. your humor

14. your voice

15. your laugh

16. your humor

17. your eyes

18. your height

19. your hair

20. your teeth

21. you're loving

22. you're comforting

23. you listen

24. you're creative

25. you're loyal

26. you're considerate

27. you're generous

28. you're trustworthy

29. you're respectful30. you're honest

31. you're understanding

32. you're reassuring

33. you're empathetic

34. you're reliable35. you're forgiving

36. you're helpful

37. you're resilient

38. you're affectionate

39. you're dependable40. you're accepting

41. you're altruistic

42. you're compassionate

43. you're encouraging

44. you're genuine45. you're gracious

46. you're humble

47. you're humorous

48. you're mindful

49. you're optimistic50. you're patient

51. you're unique

52. you're silly fr fr

53. you're open-minded

54. you're supportive55. you're smart

56. you're resourceful

57. you're selfless

58. you're funny

59. you're cunning60. you're gorgeous

61. your style

62. you're amazing

63. you're breathtaking

64. you're magnificent65. you're divine

66.you're handsome

67. you're cool

68. you're pretty

69. you're impeccable70. you're woah

71. you're yes

72. you're interesting

73. you're faithful

74. you're goofy fr fr75. you're fabulous

76. you're flawless

77. you're delightful

78. you're captivating

79. you're incredible80. you're intelligent

81. you're striking

82. you're brilliant

83. you're clever

84. you're imaginative

85. you're nice

86. you're charming

87. you're attractive fr fr

88. you're courteous

89. you're intuitive90. you're efficient

91. you're giving

92. you're you

93. you're amiable

94. you're diligent

95. you're alluring 96. you're sincere

97. you're bright

98. you're affable

99. you're benevolent

100 you're astounding!!

youre all of this and more!! I promise I will always love you no matter what you mean everything to me and I really did get so lucky to have you:) you're honestly the best thing that's ever happened to me and I love you with all my heart vou're more important to me than anything and I will always choose you over anyone and anything my love for you grows everyday like I didn't think it was possible for me to love a person this much thank you so much for making my life a million times better and always being kind and loving to me I love you sossosososososososo much 🙂

skidaddles away

(can i be fluff anon? Or is there a 💞 anon cz that might be me.. the same anon who talked abt chuuya n dazai. biting thighs n cuddling stuff :3)

My gf been real quiet since this dropped‼️

Thank you though 😭

(Sure!! I don’t mind what you wanna go by 😋)

[annathesillyfriend]

Anna's August Fic Recs

Welcome to my August fic recommendations masterpost!! This has been quite a busy month for me but I'm holding onto last weeks of freedom. I am trying to read as much before uni starts and I had a pleasure of reading some brilliant fics this month. I am so excited to share them with you all! I hope your summer is going amazing and to those, who have just started classes - good luck!

To all the writers - I love you and I appreciate you so much!

To all the readers - please, share the fics you read and love. The reblog really makes the change! It’s the least we can do to show our gratitude.

HOLLAND & Co.

✨ Tom Holland

revenges is sweet by @t-lostinworlds

series, social media au, college!au, football player!tom, fake dating, idiots to lovers, all of our fave tropes, i am invested in this series more than i am in my own life, it's just that good

sunkissed by @duskholland

one-shot, 18+, surfer!tom x lifeguard!tom, exes to lovers, h's great mind at its finest 👏

souvenirs of the heart by @veryholland

one-shot, brought me to tears no joke, such a beutiful story, mila did such an amazing job!!

heartbreak girl by @lauras-collection

one-shot, 18+, lead singer!tom, based on 5SOS song, this is so goooood 😫😫 this story lives in my heart rent free right nextdoor to laura!!

act 1: scene 5 and 6 by @youandtom

one-shot, best friends to lovers, helping tom with learning lines, i loved this very much!

happier than ever by @vendettaparker

one-shot, tom being the great lad he is comes to save an awful date and we stan

the trial of the eldest holland by @reawritesthings

one-shot, ex!tom, welcome to the angst town! this is so deeply heartbreaking but so beautifully written!

lucky to be in love by @hollandsvogue

one-shot, rose is going staright for my silly little heart :')

slide in by @uglypastels

one-shot, frat!tom, i fall in love with this story time and time again

white winged dove by @muhollands

one-shot, 18+, conuntry!tom, insert country boy i love you vine here (also, i'd like to take this moment to kindly invite you all to go through d's whole masterlist cause it's brilliant. this mj blurb has sent me straight to hell but it's so worth it)

abide by @hazofmyheart

one-shot, 18+, mob!au, tom x reader x harrison, this made me feel some type of way 👁👄👁

getting ahead of ourselves by @/hazofmyheart

one-shot, 18+, college! lacrosse player!tom holland x tutor!reader, this is soft, this is cute, this is hot, this is everything! 12/10 would recommend

✨ Harrison Osterfield

little lune by @dovenymph

one-shot, celebrating your birthday with haz, made me want a refund for my birthday cause it's so lovely 🥺🥺

it will come back by @greenorangevioletgrass

one-shot, part of the rich kid!au series, 18+, richkid!haz x richkid!reader x actor!tom, there are no words in any language that would let me express how much i love ava and this au

✨ Harry Holland

wild side by @softholand

one-shot, 18+, best friends to lovers, that trope was made to be written about mister harry holland, i swear

lost in your light by @spider-barnes

one-shot, 18+, best friends to lovers, bloody lovely 💛

falling in love at a coffee shop by @/spider-barnes

one-shot, college!au, oh to fall in love with harry holland at a coffee shop 😫

hope is frightening thing by @peterplanet

one-shot, writer!reader x first da!harry, her book gets a film adaptation and harry is being is wonderful self 🥰

my forever by @unsaidholland

blurb, talking about your future with him, it's just 🥰🥰

circles by @farfromharry

one-shot, rich kid!au, enemies to lovers, so wonderful!

MARVEL

🎂 Suz's birthday fics

this total babe @samwilsons-pillowpecs gave us four beautiful gift on her birthday! we adore you, lovely 🥰 these stories are all wonderful anddeserve their own category 💛

you're the glitter in the dark

one-shot, 18+, mob!bucky

if i could touch you...

one-shot, 18+, boxer!steve

love you in a thousand ways

one-shot, 18+, ceo!sam

miss your kiss

one-shot, 18+, biker!thor

🎂@rodrikstark ’s 1.5k follower celebration!

collecion of headcanons with our favourite marvel boys as well as some other characters, i bloody love them all but my numer one has got to be joaquin teaching you spanish 😌

✨ Sam Wilson

book smart by @indyluckycharlie

one-shot, librarian!sam x PhD student!reader, such a warm and comfy little story by my dearest cate who i love very much 😌

he we go again by @/xbuchananbarnes

one-shot, idiots in love 🥰🥰

adventures in babysitting captain america and winter solider by @princessmisery666

one-shot, reader takes the boys to disneyland and it's just so amazing!

stay awhile by @lacapucharoja

one-shot, black!reader, a saturday morning with sam 😌😌

slow motion by @ambrosiase

one-shot, 18+, sam in baggy grey sweatpants and no underwear, need i say more?

✨ Steve Rogers

bullies, bullied by @anika-ann

one-shot, my main babe is blessing us with protective steve and i love her 🥰

there's a peace in dreaming by @babycap

one-shot, i don't have the words to tell you how stunning this story is, please go read it

✨ Bucky Barnes

timer by @xbuchananbarnes

series, soulmate!au based on the movie TiMER (2009). i could go on and on about how incredible that series is but with dani it's a given, sooo 🤷‍♀️

the kids will be alright by @imaginationintowords

series, social media au, lawyer!bucky x interior designer!reader, single dad!bucky, single mom!reader raising their kid together as friends, also reader x clark kent. honestly this is one of my fave social media aus of all time. and it's got a sequel is coming!!

quick fix by @ocean-bucky

one-shot, tfatws!bucky x ofc, vidra is the queen of ofc's, you simply can't not love her characters!

grant (part 2) by @coffeecatsandsarcasm

two-shot, bucky's in a relationship with a single mom with a little boy, it's so soft, i love this little family!

before sunset, i fell by @buckysbiota

one-shot, modern!au, when i get drunk i get myself cake, when reader got drunk, she got herself a husband. a very fine husband 😏

alcohol you later by @/xbuchananbarnes

one-shot, is it the 4th of dani's fics on this list? yes, she's just that powerful

three flags up by @starbuckie

one-shot, 18+, campcounselor!bucky x campcounselor!reader, best friends to lovers, buck being a cute little puppy in love and i adore him very much

and he kissed me right there by @sunmoonandbucky

one-shot, veteran!bucky, age gap, this is so full of feelings and it's gonna steal your heart!

lost and found by @sunshinebuckybarnes

two-shot, neighbour!bucky, alpine being the matchmaker of the year and we love that for her

hazy dreams and good mornings by @angrythingstarlight

one-shot, 18+, firefighter!bucky, i think that's enough encouragement to read this gem 😏

✨ Joaquin Torres

red by @remmysbounty

one-shot, a truly exceptional story!!

hold my words, keep us together by @/xbuchananbarnes

one-shot, soulmate!au, just simply stunning!

✨Peter Parker

love lies by @rosyparkers

series, social media au, y/n is silk but peter doesn't know it, peter is spiderman but y/n doesn't know it, sarah is the brightest star in the universe and everyone knows it

sunset lovers by @duskholland

one-shot, college! au, soulmate!au where what your soulmate writes on their skin, appears on yours. i don't think i have to tell you that eveything written by h, my beloved is pure gold. the softest thing!

always waiting (for you to come home) by @peterbenjiparker

one-shot, reader comes to peter cause she needs him to patch her up after patrol, it's so funny and sweet and i just love it so much, m is the bestest!!

perfectly a little late by @/t-lostinworlds

one-shot, college!au, reader forgets about peter's birthday. or does she 👀 please, give a round of applause for this wonderful writer who's been feeding us so well this month 👏👏

this fic by @peeterparkr

one-shot, last kiss with peter :') nancy knows all the most beautiful ways to break someone's heart

the plan by @spideyyeet

series, aveneger!reader, reader likes peter, peter likes mj, mysterio shows up, lots of angsty things happen. it's so bloody good, my mates, go read it!!

burning red by @spideyspeaches

one-shot, avenger!reader who who describes people's personalities as colors, it's just a stunning story with wonderful writing and i love it!!

this fic by @mcumendes

blurb, peter brings y/n flowers and is very very adorable!!

kiss me more by @celestialholland

one-shot, first make out with peter and i'm just 😫😫 in love

the reveal by @cloudybarnes

one-shot, best friends!reader where she finds out about him being spiderman, so lovely!!

always by @ptersmj

one-shot, an absolutely adorable best friends to lovers moment

red-handed by @/vendettaparker

one-shot, stark!reader, morgan interrupts y/n and peter's alone time 😏😂

OTHERS

✨ Spencer Reid

as told by flowers by @reidingmelodies

one-shot, story about the progress of the relationship with spencer told by flowers (duh 😂), it's just wonderful!!

✨ Frank Adler

thnks fr th mmrs by @wiypt-writes

one-shot, 18+, reader goes to frank the night before his wedding, i love this with everything i have

will you hold on my love by @writerwrites

one-shot, don't come anywhere near this piece without tissues!!

✨ Ransom Drysdale

undercover boss by @chase-your-dreams-away

series, reader's working at drysdales' company and hooks up with ransom not knowing who he is. this series is so bloody good! i love the reader in here so much!!

a/n: if you catch some kind of mistake or if you see that i miscredited someone - please let me know so i can change that!

[doccywhomst]

what your favorite doctor probably says about you (nice edition)

theta sigma: you're the most complex nerd imaginable and in the best way possible. you're a geek with a strong anti-authoritarian rebellious streak, and you've probably dealt with your fair share of terrible adults. you want to be truly known and loved, even if just for a little while - you're perfect, never change.

first doctor: you're a sucker for the enemies-to-friends/character development and found family tropes, and that's beautiful. you're always looking for ways to improve and be a good person, and that makes you a good person!

second doctor: i feel like 1 and 2 are just Yoda with extra steps - on the surface, you love that fantastic Goblin Energy™️, but you also have a special desire for close, deep friendships. never let social anxiety deter you from connecting with people and forming solid relationships.

third doctor: he's literally a science wizard who drives fast in cool cars, you're the sanest out of all of us. he's also capable, kind, motivated, and inspired, just like you!

fourth doctor: you're a bit spacey and impractical sometimes, and might be occasionally hard to work with, but it's because you have brilliant ideas and you're usually right. you're inherently fun to be around and have a lot of knowledge, experience, and love to give. never ever quit being you!!!

fifth doctor: you're fun and funky fresh, down with the kids, hip with the lingo, and also none of the above - you can be very trusting, and you usually have no idea what you're doing, but you do it with a smile and hope that helps. you can do anything that you put your mind to, and i believe in you! you're a wonderful person!!

sixth doctor: you're either a queer theater kid or someone with a heart of gold and a dramatic flair. you love his confidence, as you should. you also love his mad scientist/inventor nature, and how his personality can change in an instant - you're quick-witted, fluid, and up to any challenge!

seventh doctor: you love Ace. admit it. and you're bisexual. and you love the Kandyman. and Cheetah Master. and the Lungbarrow chaos. but I do too and I have a seventh doctor pin, and you're a wonderful person, I love everything about you!! seriously, you're brilliant

eighth doctor: you're adhd/autistic and/or queer, and this is from personal experience - if you didn't know already, this is your psa. also you're kind and romantic, and you deserve to have fulfilling friendships, and you're one of the sweetest and zaniest people I could ever meet! this is my favorite doctor, so I think we'd get along really well!

war doctor: ooh oh hooo... hee hee... OOOH hoo hoo hoo... you have lingering trauma that needs to be resolved, my friend, but it makes you kinder than anyone! you can be quiet sometimes, but there's a lot happening inside. you should try making art or poetry to get all that energy out.

shalka doctor: this is so big-brained honestly, he only has one piece of content and it's not even """canon""", you're so brave - you're into characters with soft, fun centers and harder exteriors, and you're probably the same way. you have a serious case of RBF but you'd do anything to help someone because you're a beautiful person! every doctor would vibe with you

ninth doctor: you're more on the quiet side, but when someone brings up The Thing You're Interested In, it's like a dam breaking - you're so smart and you have so much love pent up inside!!! you probably have anxiety or depression, but it's balanced by the hope you place in others and your dreams for a better future - value your friends. value your time here. value yourself. you deserve love.

tenth doctor: sure, he's space Casanova, he's a real charmer, but you love his sadder, raw moments just as much as his silly and flirty ones. you want to be as flippant and casual as him, and also as deep and profound, and good news, you are! you're extremely complex, intelligent, and funny, and I love you

eleventh doctor: you're a disaster mom friend - you're normally chaotic and disorganized, but when the shit hits the fan, you're the first one to rally the troops and get cracking. you don't always feel like a "real" adult, but you're more than capable! you're also quite supportive and very fun to be around - keep it up!

twelfth doctor: my other favorite doctor, for so many reasons. he reminds me of three and shalka - they're just a bunch of old chaos magician scientists trying to duct tape the universe together, and that's beautiful. you're kind but not always nice, which means you're honest and I would trust you with my life. there's also a strong likelihood of you being gay or asexual. i love you so much.

thirteenth doctor: oh, my sweet summer child. you're a 11 + 12 combo, which is a real whopper - a disaster mom friend RBF science magician. you genuinely care about other people and only want the best for them, but that can be hard to communicate. but it's okay! all that matters is that you try to bring light into everyone's lives, like thirteen, and everything else will fall into place! she makes friends easily and is never deterred by a challenge, and you share her best traits.

ruth!doctor: you're so fucking sexy oh my god, i don't even know where to begin. you're probably a simp for strong women with guns/swords, and so am i. your fashion sense is atrocious (complimentary) and your attitude is unbearable (complimentary), and I love you for it.

[bioodorange]

||The Pastas At The Beach||

this was originally like an entirely different post but ehhh this ways better!

disclaimer Im setting this like, at a beach with a boardwalk and such next too it? Public beach, small time vacationing!

and that they conviently like..pass as human

I hope you guys enjoy!! remember too check out my announcement board!

taglist: @frozensriracha @creepy-bi-day @capricornartistsstuff @krayolacolor

Jeff the Killer

Jeff doesn't really do much at the beach

The salt water irritates his skin and he burns easily, doesn't want too deal with it

Spends most of his time asleep

Hogs all the damn towels by sprawling out all over all of them

Gets sand over everything that they brought with them

Forgets how wind works and it gets everywhere

When its time for some of em too go get food, he always fucking goes

Wants too walk around and do something, and maybe not get blamed for all the fucking sand when everyone sits back down

He wears one of those like protective long sleeved shirts? and red swim trunks that are just somewhat obnoxiously bright

While getting the food he has a brilliant idea

Befriends the fucking seagulls

Lures them back too their umbrellas and just vibes with his bird army

atleast he's not alone anymore?

Ben Drowned

first off I know like he doesn't go swimming

but imagine if he did

his fucking goggles get filled up with blood

gets weird ass tan lines from the blood on his face like, when he's not swimming

has too wear the goggles when he puts on sunscreen-

ok ok thats it

fucker wears like mountain dew swim trunks

and those arm floatie things despite not going anywhere near the water

He tries too sit around Jeff but that gets boring fast-

Just walks the fuck off without telling anyone, on a journey for adventure

Will spend literal hours sitting underneath the boardwalk until someone finds him

After that they get him like one of thise beach toy kit things

Sally's nice enough too fill the bucket with water too, so they can make sand castles and stuff

She walks along the shore line with him, gets pretty shells too

Also if Ben were too go in the water

He's a fucking shark magnet with all that blood-

But don't tell him that, he won't come back too the beach

Ticci Toby

Toby is very excited too go to the beach

He didn't get out much as a kid

Siked as hell too get in the water

Drops his stuff off as soon as possible and runs right into the water

And thats when he realizes he can't fucking swim

Awkwardly flaps his arms around until a wave moves him along too back where he can stand

Everyones kinda confused when he comes back like "?? You were so excited, what happened?"

"I can't swim :(("

Cody volunteers to teach him right away, like the great brother he is

The thing is Cody is a horrible fucking teacher

Another few minutes of Toby getting owned by some waves and Cody just screaming stuff like

"Use your arms Toby- no not like that how I showed you- no I'm not going too help how are you supposed to learn-"

That's when Kate drags him back too shore and Doby and Brian teach him instead

In a bit he learns and ends up having a lot of fun

I feel like Toby would really like boogie boarding?

A lot easier then surfing but still a good time

Also they have too tie a red scarf around his arm so they don't loose his ass in a crowd, or in the water

Third Base

so far, Doby's the only one on this list who actually came prepared

I feel like he'd use one of those face lotions that has SPF 30 in it already?

Smart enough so he doesn't have too smear sun screen around his face, can just use the spray stuff and get going

Also has shoes and sunglasses too go with each like swimsuit/outfit he brings

Mans is put together

Really likes collecting shells and stuff

Walks with Sally, shows her how too find them

Wakes up kinda early as it is? So its easy for him too go too the beach early and find the shells before the tide pulls them back out

It's one of his favorite times, actually

The suns just rising, a few shops are opening, only a handful of people are on the beach

Does it everyday as his "alone time" before everyone else wakes up

Spends most of his time with everyone kinda relaxing?

I can see him really liking those beach volleyball games

Or just playing frizbee in the shallow water!

Really, really enjoys making sand castles

Builds a moat and everything so it stays up when the waves start coming closer

X-Virus

Cody, another kid who never got much beach expierence

But acts like he did

Buys one of those waterproof, phone lanyard things

Forgets too fucking close it properly

Doesn't have the first idea of what seagulls are like

"Oh come on buys its fine-" gets fucking owned for his cheesestick

Lowkey scared of them after that

Refuses too eat on the beach after that

Sits with ben under the board walk and curls around his chips

Spends most of his time in the water

Wants too see how far he can go before the lifegaurd calls him back

Finds it funny as shit too just slowly go deeper while grinning at them

Until a wave slaps him in the back of the head

And then he gets scared of the deepwater too

After he looses Swimming Coach privellages gets really fucking salty and sulks on the beach

Kate takes pity on him and walks around the boardwalk with him

But he also didn't know you have too reapply sunscreen after you go swimming

Gets really really bad sunburn

Jeff, Ben and Toby take turns slapping it whenever he gets too cocky

Masky

This is gonna be a Dad Tim one, fight me

Really has no idea what the fuck is going on, but still manages too keep everyone together?

Tells the same story, atleast twice a day, about the killer wave that almost took his shorts off

Gets in fights with seagulls whenever they get realitively close too the group

Also buys one of those crappy beach wagon things too put their stuff in

Buys a mug and cheesy beer koozie

Doesn't enjoy the beach that much but gets excited too go?

Ends up sitting down for most of the time unless he gets dragged on walks

Might just kinda walk until the water is at his knees and just kinda stand there, and nod a little

Giving mother nature his approval

He takes Sally out and holds onto her stomach, lifts her up over the waves whenever they come

Asks her what she can see, before he drops her back down

Tries it with Ben, gets kicked in the gut-

Favorite time is when it's dark and they go

Not for a long time, just a few minutes too walk along the shore before it gets dark

Hoodie

Designated photographer

Is supposed too be taking photos but mostly gets footage of the stupid shit that happens

Like Jeff not being able too figure out the dishwasher or Clockwork wrestling with her dresser where only half the drawers worked

Just kinda sits back and watches things go up in flames

He's the designated like playlist guy too? On the drive over, whenever he got bored just

"Hey what song should I play?"

And watches chaos ensue

His vacation is watching everyone else have a bad time

Makes up for it though, saves them a shit ton of money by making dinner every night.

I feel like he genuinely enjoys late nights on the beach, like Tim

Gets some beautiful photos of the water, and people taking walks that he's pretty damn proud of

Maybe once or twice he'll join Doby for a walk too get pictures of the rising sun

Likes getting small things from the gift shops

Shark teeth, maybe a cheesy snowglobe

Something silly but nice too remember the trip by

Eyeless Jack

first things first, ya know those double-lens glasses? Like you flip up the sunglass part and theres normal lenses underneath? Someone gave him those

But their are crappy eyes painted on the normal lenses

He's very confused but its just ridiculous enough for him too like

The beach isn't his favorite place, I HC him as nocturnal and most things are open during the day

He takes too the rides and crappy carnival games that are open late at night

He can't see everything super well but makes up fun things for himself

Enjoys going on rollercoasters that he has no idea what the hell the drops look like

Fucking hates bumper cars

Can't tell where everyone's coming from or when

More nerve racking then fun

Whenever they go to the beach beach he just kind of chills

Akwardly curls up on a towel because he's big as shit

Where ever they stay he walks around, uses his echo location shit too find out all its quirks

"This walls more hallow then that one- those support beams in the lobby are doing a very shitty job of keep things together"

Loves sitting out on the balcony and just smelling the salt air, listening too people laughing and the ocean waves

Just the small details a lot of people miss

[best--dress]

Five plus One fic recs 😍

Thank you for tagging me @thewholelemon! Your Eden fic is a fav of mine - every character is portrayed so perfectly ❤️ And thanks for coming up with this whole concept @facewithoutheart - I love this approach to recs and it's so cool to see what ya'll are inspired by.

This took way longer than I expected it to, whoops, but here's my list:

Paperback Writer by BasicBathsheba

It's all too easy to write Simon as all brawn and no brains, someone who solves his problems with his fists and his sword instead of his words (especially since this is how he describes himself! solving problems with his sword or at least his mouth...), so I love this fic for having a very in-character Simon whose smarts really shine through. And I tried to avoid listing two fics by the same writer, but I have to shout out network connectivity problems which I think was the first AU I read where Baz pushes Simon down the stairs - which sounds so silly, but it kind of encapsulates for me the moment where I recognized the way fic can twist canon into something that feels like it's winking just at you.

Behind the Magic by @bookish-bogwitch

It was a struggle choosing just one of Em's fics for this list - I think her writing is hilarious, and I aspire to write anything so funny. The amount of canon callbacks in this fic is incredible, and the appearances from Rainbow herself? Genius.

before the lightning hits the ground by @mostlymaudlin

This is the definitive fem snowbaz fic for me and the reason why I kept Simon's and Baz's names the same in my fem fic. I love the low-stakes enemies-to-lovers arc of this fic, and I ADORE Agatha in it too.

And We Still Do by @facewithoutheart

Likewise it was so, so difficult to choose a Christina fic! I love the creative narrative framing in this one, the characterization of Baz and Simon, the way we get so many brilliant little AUs but it's still canon-compliant. It's incredibly smart, sweet, and so funny. (I also have to shout out vroom vroom and its sequels because I think about them all the time. Way to take a canon detail- Baz's love of cars - and spin it into something so cursed and hilarious yet sweet and in-character.)

tripping over stars by @mooncello

This one is still a WIP but it stands out to me for the stunning way it depicts Simon's anxiety through his physical actions. I think about this fic every time I'm writing a nervous or provoked Simon. Also the little hint of steaminess that we get in the published chapters drives me crazy. Heath's writing is just damn beautiful.

+1 Who Are You In The Dark

When I set out to write a sexy fem snowbaz fic I didn't realize I was actually going to end up writing a deep dive into female friendship but, ya know, I don't really have any control over my muse. Getting to use fandom as a place to write about something near and dear to my heart, and having other people fully understand what I'm talking about, is such a dream. And I will never get over the thrill of seeing @arthurkko bring my girls to life in such gorgeous illustrations. (This fic is still a wip but I have a couple thousand words written of each of the unpublished chapters...it's just slow going with Life Stuff.)

Tagging @iamamythologicalcreature, @martsonmars, @emeryhall, @blackberrysummerblog, @onepintobean to play along! Plus anyone I tagged above ❤️

Five plus One, fic recs

A post is going around about fics you consider classics in the Snowbaz fandom. I’d like to take it a step further by asking …

What are five fics you consider your inspiration/influences for writing, plus one of your fics which you think best represents what you want to bring to the fandom?

5. Hang the Moon by @captain-aralias

@captain-aralias is, to me, the snowbaz fandom fic writer of our time. Her commitment to detail, to nailing Rainbow’s voice, while infusing every fic with a heart and purpose that will leave you changed. Every fic of hers is chef’s-kiss-perfection but I’m highlighting Hang the Moon specifically as a fic I often think about (Baz, wet tennis clothes, helping Simon fight the merwolves), and a fic that was my introduction to what fanfics could be/do. I think I finished this fic and just stared at the wall for an hour because I was just like, oh. Oh.

4. The Pitch by basic-bathsheba

Local Hero is one of my favorite fanfics but I wanted to highlight this fic because it’s just such a powerful and understated story. It’s love in the details. This Simon is the model for all of my Simon’s, just a complete simp for Baz haha but also a man who is comfortable and confident being the man who loves Baz even if he doesn’t get to claim it publicly.

3. Stay Up With Me by @sharkmartini

Not sure what to say about this that hasn’t been said a million times. It’ll break your heart; it’ll put you back together. The concept is brilliant and the exploration of two Simon’s will definitely put your emotions through a wringer. Time travel/what-if fics will always grab my attention but this one in particular makes the same case Rainbow posed in Carry On: what if the villain isn’t the villain? And takes it a step further, because Simon realizes he could be the villain, too. Absolutely beautiful.

2. Can’t Find My Way Home by @carryonsimoncarryonbaz

This is one of those fics that just has so much heart and sweetness. I love a good second chance AU, and this one has such Hallmark vibes in the best way. I just love the slow burn of it, and the amazing ending. A perfect holiday fic to snuggle up with. Reading this feels like being cozy up by the fire with someone you love. Actually writing this makes me wanna reread this so much; now that I live with actual Fall I wanna feel cozy like this again.

1. Basil Pitch’s Diary by @bookish-bogwitch

I know it’s a bit weird to rec a WIP as an influence, especially one that’s being written as we speak, but working with/beta-ing Em’s works have made me a sharper, smarter writer. I know this fic is a classic in the works and it’s something I think about on a weekly basis. The Baz Em gives us, to me, feels like canon Baz taken to the next level. What if Baz was the villain … but only to himself? Em’s writing really is just economical in the best way; every line hits, every paragraph teaches me something. And then the heart. It’s genuinely so hard to do what she does and I’m so lucky to get to see her work in realtime.

+1 This Will All Go Down In Flames

I think, at the end of my fandom career, I want this to be the snowbaz fic people associate with me (Spadey being a close second hahaha). But I do feel like it’s got a lot of fandom in-jokes, humor, and sweetness, plus the fun high-stakes of them being in the spotlight. I got to celebrate the Austin I love and miss, as well as poke fun at my own hipster upbringing. I put a lot of Me™ in this fic and it always feels so lovely when people like it. Besides, I got to work with the amazing @tea-brigade and their art just takes this fic to the next level. A dream collab.

(Throwing in the caveat that I started reading long before I got an ao3 account so it’s very likely I’ve missed some amazing fics from before 2021; I’m so sorry!)

Tagging everyone listed above and six more peeps to start: @cutestkilla, @you-remind-me-of-the-babe, @larkral, @ileadacharmedlife, @thewholelemon & @aristocratic-otter

[oneweekoneband]

her Nebraska (1982)

In July I flew to Massachusetts with a plague on, and I felt that it was wrong, but my mother had begged and I’d been out of work for months. Mornings there I ran in long, uneven ovals on the same roads I’d memorized in high school. There’s no sidewalks, but the few feet of dirt between the craggy pavement and the open mouths of the fields serve all right for a single body in motion. When a truck comes up close from behind, the ground shakes, and I step away bouncingly from the street toward thigh-high yellow weeds and grass, and keep going. I was slowly picking my way back in that dirt, sweat-slick from only a plodding couple of miles in peak summer heat, and sucking the wet cotton of my mask in between my teeth on every inhale, when Taylor Swift announced she was releasing a surprise album produced by the guy from The National. Not the guy from The National, like, the voice, but the guy from The National whose photo was circulated on Twitter earlier this year as some kind of antifa super soldier, which isn’t the case, but would’ve been rad. First, I stopped dead to send some outraged, misspelled text messages, and then I ran home faster than I’d moved in years.

Tall, blonde, patrician pop star Taylor Swift is to me something like a cross-between a wife and a boogeyman. Bound we’ve been since we were really children. Time and its changes haven’t rid me of her, and what’s worse is I have never quite been able to wish they would, though I claim as much all the time. Countless hours of my one wild and precious life have been spent on endlessly analyzing the minutiae of Taylor Swift’s music, the mind that made it, the real world events which influenced it. And though all the while I have known she is only a person, and that people, while each strange and lovely in their own ways, are, in the end, mostly dull, needful in just the regular manner, the fantasy is better, the sick dream of a megalomaniac songstress, curious, thrilling, probably evil, and I choose that. I don’t know Taylor Alison Swift, born to this world in, I presume, the usual way. But my Taylor Swift? I’m a renowned expert. I’ve always eaten up stories—movies, music, celebrity news, the one my grandfather tells about falling off his bike once in Ireland as a boy and his face “cracking open like an egg”—like a starved dog. I’m obsessive about my interests, but not inclined to intense fandom, and certainly not fandom in the mode of the stan. For one, I’m too self-absorbed. But caring intensely for a famous person is falling in love with a ghost, and that’s all right—I mean, what the hell? We’re here together just dying... Let’s enjoy—but is an affair best undertaken with the knowledge that everyone alive has their own complex interiority, as unruly as your own, and that you, a stranger, are not in any real way connected to the lawless, blurry middle of that celebrity, and will never be. It’s freeing and fun to know this. I mean, these people are basically in your employ. Glamorous dollhouse dwellers. Acknowledging that uncrossable distance allows for a different, healthier closeness of pure imagination. My feelings, then, can comfortably be at once both fiercely intense and entirely silly. I am a foremost scholar in the art of the Taylor Swift who exists in my head. The real person raised in Pennsylvania I don’t know at all. I have some conjectures on the matter, and, as with all my conjectures, every hackneyed theory, each picky little opinion, I’m sure they’re perfect, brilliant, just absolutely right, but that’s still all they are. Taylor Swift, figure of the cultural imagination, is the Jodie Comer to my Sandra Oh in Killing Eve, annoying and pretty in frills, taunting me endlessly and holding us trapped together in a dance of most enchanting death. But the real Taylor Swift has favorite bed sheets and a social security number and a British boyfriend, none of which I have any desire to know about, and if I saw her at a restaurant I’d politely avert my eyes before, yes, dive-bombing the group text. There’s nobody on Earth I’d stand in line to speak to, but then I’ve been speaking to a certain figment of Taylor Swift for nearly half my life.

I went to a Taylor Swift concert the night before I moved into college in 2009. My father’s work friend, firefighter by day, near professional gambler by night, got comped tickets to the Fearless Tour stop taking place at the nearby casino, and he let me have them as a reward, mainly, for happening to be seventeen. Live in-person and performed acoustically, “Fifteen” made me cry. A few years after that, in the thick, sticky part of my first post-college summer, I wrote approximately twenty-three million words about her in these very pages.  (”Pages”) At that point, Taylor’s most recent release was 2012’s Red, and the work I produced that long ago July about Taylor and her career, writing I was fairly pleased with at the time, feels now, besides just being extremely clearly written by a twenty-one year old, strange to me for the way it favors the sweet over the sour almost uniformly. There is a wholesome kind of ardor in that writing which maybe I’ve outgrown the ability to hold. Or maybe Taylor just proceeded to spend the next half a decade plus releasing one bad single after another, and it was taste—and trespasses against taste—and not some shift in my nature which altered the tenor of our bond. I have real love for my particular image, gleaned from public statements and published art, of smart, bizarre famous woman Taylor Swift, and I admire the bulk of her output very much. I’m just no longer so inclined to fawn. This is not to say I am here to offer a Taylor Swift hate screed. I couldn’t swing it, and, anyway, I’m not a pop feminist-for-hire circa 2010. But we’re older now. Things are different. At twenty-eight, twenty-nine this month—Taylor will, also this December, turn thirty-one—I regard Taylor Swift warily, like an ex with whom you have a tentative friendship, perpetually on the brink of falling one way or the other into hatred or delight, only to wobble back the opposite direction again at the slightest provocation, but still, despite best efforts, even, I regard her all the time. 

folklore was released at midnight on July 24th 2020, but I was at a cabin in rural Vermont without Internet or cell service. I drank Bud Light seltzers with my mother while watching the eerie pandemic return of Major League Baseball, and when I got into a strange bed there I stewed, knowing there were people out in the world all over who were hearing Taylor Swift songs I never had, and that this was a fundamental wrong, a disruption in the balance of the universe. I listened to it the next morning in a Dunkin’ Donuts parking lot. 

And folklore is great. That’s the terrible thing. Slightly less great, maybe, than some people have insisted, tricked, I think, by just the pronounced shift in sound. But it’s great. A little gift I asked for a thousand times and was still surprised to get, like a wife who didn’t expect her henpecked husband to ever follow through and buy the paraffin wax hand bath as-see-on-TV. For years, I’ve been halfheartedly insisting that Taylor had a great album in her. I’d say it even, perhaps especially, while she stubbornly fed me gruel. Or worse, gruel with the occasional whiff of something better. With a ripe, little raspberry dropped into the slop. The bright, villainous thrill of “Getaway Car” made me believe Taylor, my Taylor, was in there somewhere under the lacquer of sequins and synth, which, while not objectionable by default, seemed a costume, and an ill-fitting one. The lived-in world of “Cornelia Street” made those old scars sting. That gay “Delicate” video. When she did “Call It What You Want” on SNL and played guitar while wearing an ugly sweater. If the abominable “ME!”, lead single off Lover, was the stick, 1989’s “Clean” was the carrot. I was Charlie Brown, and Taylor my Lucy, yanking the football back again and again. Over drinks I still yelled that Taylor Swift’s next album would be, “her Nebraska”, referring to my favorite Bruce Springsteen record, and learned to live with that egg on my face for good. I suppose I even came to like it. There was something inherently funny in taking up, like, “blind faith in the as of yet untapped greater artistic potential of massively wealthy and popular singer Taylor Swift” as my totally inane personal cause du jour, and eventually it was a bit, a gag I performed to be obstinate and didactic, but way down somewhere awful near my kidneys I meant it the whole while. And then she did it. A pandemic befell the world and amid a sea of human suffering Taylor Swift remembered she can write. She wrote, and with a massive, crucial assist from Aaron Dessner, whose music on this record is sometimes so beautiful it actually angers me, as the last thing I needed in already perilous times was to be made to try and marry my uniquely perverse emotional responses to beloved divorced dad band The National and fucking Taylor Swift,  she made an album which, if not her Nebraska, per se (I’ve come to realize that a major part of believing Taylor Swift will one day make an album I find as quietly devastating and gorgeous as Nebraska is knowing that no album will ever actually be Her Nebraska... That each will, rather, to me, be more and more evidence that it’s coming still, more proof that the limit is untouched, on and on ad infinitum, or at least until the seas take us into a place of salty peace.) is a shocking credit to all my hard-fought and deluded confidence. folklore is great. This fact has made me feel almost equally as disoriented from my understanding of the world as the time-melting COVID-19 lockdowns have, and it turned my Spotify year in review annual collective AI humiliation kink thing into a glaring indictment of my mental state, but still, I mean... It’s great.

In talking about folklore a bit this week, there are a number of specific topics I intend to cover—what a thrill it is to hear Taylor say “fuck”; Taylor’s terrifying birth chart; the astoundingly perfect bridge of “the last great american dynasty”; “because my ass is located at the back of my body”; the bit in last year’s “Lover” where deranged WASP Taylor Swift implies that to “leave the Christmas lights up til January” is some signifier of being a love-struck bohemian, when actually everyone who doesn’t employ domestic staff to take their lights down does this; how reputation is the best of the Taylor Swift records released in the latter half of the 2010s, actually, and the people who can’t see that are cowards—but intend mostly to let the muse move me where she will. Against the advice of my better angels, she—that tie-in marketing eldritch terror—always does.

[tjlikesprettythings]

Guys it’s only been a few days since my macriley obsession started and I already decided to write a bunch of stuff floating around in my head...I’m ruined! I’m not part of AO3 yet so thought I’d just share my craziness here! Enjoy the madness or ask me to stop. 

________________ Desi starts noticing things slowly, she always knew that they were close. Riley was kind of like Jack’s replacement in Mac’s life she deduced in the beginning. She liked Riley, she was smart, could fend for self, and honestly felt she had nothing to worry about because she seemed highly principled, hell she went to jail trying to change the world. But as time passed, she started to see just how Mac looked at the other woman.

It was how his eyes would find her in any situation, look for her approval. She didn’t believe in jealousy, it was such a useless feeling, but she couldn’t help but think about these small encounters that she noticed. So, of course, the voice in her mind started to question if there was more to this, did she need to worry? She decided it was her trying to come up with excuses to run because she had done this before. 

But she couldn’t deny the fact that during their double date, there was a look on his face as he watched Riley and Aubrey. She also recalled him muttering “what kind of name is Aubrey anyway?” under his breath when they had finally spoken about Riley’s new live-in boyfriend. She chalked it up to him being a protective older brother. Riley, Bozer, Matty, and Jack were his family, she understood this much. 

It would build up slowly like after Riley moved in and she would come over after her day was done to find them laughing casually to some sci-fi movie that they had watched, or it would be the two of them shouting at each other playfully while playing video games or that they would be attempting to cook dinner together, each with a task and laughing when the other failed miserably. An easy banter that flowed so naturally. Riley always seemed open with her, smiled and welcomed her, gave them space. But it was the time they spent all together that gave away to the fact that she was the third wheel to Mac and Riley set not the other way round. 

As they ate take out, Mac spoke about everything and Riley seemed to keep up. She didn’t look bored, if anything she hung on his every word and would challenge him or bring him back to earth when he veered from laymen with a wise crack and a roll of her eyes.

“How many times do you think you watched Die Hard with Jack?” Mac asked eyes trained on Riley.

“Son, when I was a kid or now?” Riley laughed, “I definitely got you beat in that department, I’m sure.”

“There’s no way! I will bet you...something when I think of it.” He laughed harder.

“Deal! I need another Mac gadget. That wifi signal booster you built me came in handy.” She said taking a swig of her beer.

Desi watched almost enchanted, she hadn’t seen this Mac in a while. The silly beautiful blonde genius that she fell for. It wasn’t easy for them like it was for him and Riley she realized and it tightened her throat a little. He’s never made her anything, has he? She later rationalized that it made sense that they would be comfortable with each other, they’d had more time to adjust. Yea, that’s what it was.

Even when Riley ran away to join him at Codex, she said to herself that it was because they were friends and if she were honest she was glad that Riley did so he wouldn’t be alone, that she had his back. Why couldn’t Desi have his back? Why couldn’t she see the bigger picture and trust Mac? But all that did was proved her point more. Mac and Riley were a package deal. Could she have a relationship with a man that had another woman he was in a co-dependent relationship with? Could she be with a man that she didn’t fully trust? But she did trust him, didn’t she?

Until that moment with Codex, she thought it was all one-sided attachment from Mac but when she looked at Riley’s eyes when they thought it was Mac who blew up, she recognized the look of devastating loss. Well fuck, Riley Davis had feelings for her boyfriend. She chose to file it away for another time when she had time.

The next few days just drove the matter home to death really. Mac had asked for some time to be alone, he had just lost his only remaining family, but the person who he didn’t ask space from was Riley. Of course, her living in the house made the situation complicated. But she knew in her gut that the person who he needed was Riley to get over this. If there was anyone that could ground him it was Riley.

So when they were in congress fighting for his mother and aunt’s vision, she made a point of telling him she knew him too. He did smile at her then but it didn’t look as brilliant as when he would later smile at Riley who sat proudly as he spoke his argument towards the climate issue and the new green deal. What’s one more lie that’s what she told herself anyway. 

She couldn’t be mad at Riley, she really couldn’t. Riley did her best to steer the respectful road, she no longer sat close to Mac, she kept her distance and even told Mac she would be moving out soon, that she had found an apartment that would be available in a week’s time. That night Mac was in a terrible mood to the point that she decided to go back to her place. She felt sorry for all of them really. She just had to prep herself for what she knew had to be done, but there was a part of her that continued to rationalize all these events. 

Everything really came crashing down when they were on a mission and he had to choose between her and Riley. She’ll give him some credit that she thought he did hesitate for a millisecond but ultimately he went after Riley. She almost laughed at the irony of the situation. Fuck what a spectacularly horrible feeling she felt spread across her body at that moment and it had nothing to do with her pending death. 

Russ was able to save her, and Mac saved Riley. She watched as he held the smaller woman close to his side checking her over, concern, and devastation was written all of his faces. He hadn’t glanced over to her yet. The funny thing is, it could’ve been seconds but when you’re the one feeling like a fool it sure feels a lot longer. She felt the familiar anger come alight. 

When they finally got back home and did their debriefs and written their reports, she decided to go over to his place. Riley was in the hospital for observation. It was no surprise that Mac was only home for a quick shower before he’d be back in the hospital. 

“This isn’t working.” She said flatly crossing her arm across her chest, needing the protection. He just sighed and ran his fingers through his hair, so he wasn’t going to fight her on this. 

“No, it’s not. I wanted it to, believe me when I say that. I thought our own thing could be enough. But I think we both deserve better, you especially deserve someone better.” He said sincerely. 

“You’re right I do deserve better, I deserve someone who can trust me fully, I deserve someone who will fight for me the way you fight for her.” the words slip out before she has a chance to stop them. She’s not this person who fights over a man or belittles another woman, but the anger and hurt take center stage for a second and she loses control.

He looks confused for a second, then as if the realization of her words really hit him. “I’m sorry Desi.”

She chuckled, “We never stood a chance. You didn’t have room for me.” finally voicing what she’s known for a while now. “It’s always been her, hasn’t it?”

It’s as if he’s figuring all of this out for the first time, which just made it all the more shittier. How could she even be mad when they were so oblivious and respectful and willing to just bury it to keep each other in the status quo. “Fuck! Are you serious Mac?! Do you not realize that it’s Riley! That you’re in love with her?!” she runs a hand through her hair which slowly makes it’s way to her lips and she starts to laugh eve though her eyes sting as well.

“Desi…” Mac takes a step forward, but she steps away from him holding up a hand to stop him. Giving herself a second more she clears her throat, swiping away at the tears that spilled over. 

“I know,” she simply says. Because she does, he’d never hurt her intentionally but doesn’t mean this doesn’t hurt. “Mac, get your shit together or you’ll lose her. Tell her how you feel before she buries how she feels about you.” With that, she walks away from his place. He doesn’t try to stop her, and she’s glad that he doesn’t. 

Later when her heart cools and she has a chance, to be honest with herself. She actually is happy that Mac found someone who fit him in every way. She made a pact with herself to follow her gut next time. She tries to stay away from the hospital but decided she owes Riley at least the courtesy of a colleague. 

She’s not surprised to see Mac next to Riley’s bed holding her hand to his lips. She decides that maybe it’s best to just give them all the space. So when Russ looks at her in the lobby with understanding, she realizes that they were all just in a Shakespearean level tragic comedy. But hey that’s life, full of woderful moments and losses.

[jackambrosemodeling]

Boy Talk || Jack & Brandon

When: May 2, 2021

Where: Jack’s apartment, Santa Monica, California

Featuring: Brandon Kelly (dialogue provided by Katie @itsbrandonkelly)

Triggers: Allusion to alcoholism

After firing off a You’d better be home. text to Jack, he realised that he really should have checked first to save him from waiting outside their apartment but that’s why there were so many saying about hindsight. Still, he knocked to let his presence be known instead of texting again, hoping he’d timed his visit well.

Jack was coincidentally home when they received Brandon's text. They got out of the shower when they saw the message. After texting him back with a 'bitch I might be', Jack unlocked their door as well as the entrance door to the apartment building. They followed up with a 'door's open' text and went to go find clothes to put on before Brandon came inside.

He huffed out in amusement at the first response he got and then knocked again at the second before letting himself in. “Who leaves their door open? This is the start to every horror film ever, then again just letting yourself into someone’s home is also how they start.” He called out, heading to the kitchen instead of looking for Jack. He figured they would have answered the door if they weren’t occupied with something else and so they’d join him when they were done. When he found glasses, he settled himself on the couch and shrugged off his jacket.

"I do when I know someone's coming over!" they yelled from behind their closed bedroom door. If someone had actually broken into their apartment for nefarious purposes, Jack was more than prepared to deal with the situation. Once they were presentable, they looked around until they found Brandon in the living room. "Comfy there?" they teased. "You know I love seeing you, but a little more of a heads up would've been nice. I could've still been in the shower. I could've been actively having sex!"

“Who’s supposed to be coming over? I can’t believe you were inviting people to chill and I wasn’t one of them?” Brandon had taken out his phone to sit on the couch with him and had even gotten as far as pouring them both a drink before Jack had come to meet him. “Yep. I made myself at home.” He gave Jack his best smile, even fluttering his eyelashes for good measure. “If you loved seeing me that much you would invite me over to do those things with you. Besides, it’s not much of a surprise visit if I tell you about it, is it?”

“You! I opened the door for you, silly!” Jack looked at the two glasses, then back to Brandon. “Oh shit, the wine that Nyle sent as a moving present! I forgot I had that.” They didn’t want to be rude and throw it out, and figured it would be good to have in case of guests, so they hid it. The fact that they managed to not drink any of it themself was a miracle. “Yeah, I’m not sure how Viv would feel about that... speaking of which. Fun update in my life. I’m kind of seeing someone? Still figuring out labels and whatnot.” Though there were rumors floating around the gossip sphere, Brandon was the first person they confirmed the rumor to.

“Then the door wouldn’t be open so it wouldn’t matter if you were showering or fucking, would it?” Jack’s comment had Brandon looking at the bottle again and picking up the glass closest to it. “Mine is alcoholic. I brought you some appley juice recommended by the best palate I know.” He patted the space beside him before his eyebrows raised in surprise. “You settled before you boned me? Disgusting. Unacceptable.” Despite his words, he started grinning. “I’m so happy for you, babe. That’s cute.”

“Brandon, stop making good points,” they huffed, sitting down on the couch next to Brandon. “Oh, thanks.” While Jack had never explicitly told Brandon why they quit drinking, it appeared that he had gotten the hint. “I’m sorry. It turns out I have a SIMP gene that was activated by me moving to Santa Monica. Who would’ve thunk it?” they joked, knowing damn well that they’ve simped over every person they’ve ever dated.

“I can’t help that I’m brilliant. Sorry buddy; you just gotta live with that I’m afraid.” He hummed quietly in amusement. Brandon simply offered them a smile at their thanks. They never joined in whenever B was drinking and he was nothing if not attentive. Sometimes, at least. “Literally no one because the simp gene has always been in you and always been active but I’ll keep that to myself if it really makes you feel better.”

"All my friends are hot and smart, but I'm just hot. Story of my life." Jack sighed, taking a sip of the juice that was so graciously provided to them. "Excuse me?!" Jack exclaimed overdramatically. "Are you calling me a simp? In the comfort of my own apartment?! I don't know what I did to deserve this treatment. I don't know how I'll go on!" They busted into  laughter, unable to keep the act up.

“You’re hot and smart. What the fuck are you talking about? Be nice to my friend or I’ll kick your ass.” He reached his foot out to nudge Jack with, an amused smile on his face. “Plus, you’re also super hot, own it. And yes. I’m calling you a simp. You’re the themperor of simpington. Population... Uh, I don’t know how many people are in Santa Monica but that’s the population.”

“Brandon, I was a straight-C student in high school and have the common sense of a bag of potato chips. I know my strengths and weaknesses.” Jack knew they weren’t book smart and it didn’t bother them. “Excuse me, I am not Themperor Simpington. That title belongs to Sunwoo Seong. Have you met them? But they did skip town a while back... shit. I didn’t ask for this title. I need to find a new non-binary friend to bestow this title on. I just need more enby friends in general.”

“You don’t have the common sense of a bag of potato chips, Jesus Christ Jack.” Brandon laughed as he slapped Jack’s arm. “You’ve survived this long in this industry, babe. That’s not down to potato chip brain, even I nearly crashed out a couple of years in.” He raised an eyebrow, head tilted as he fixed them a look of disapproval. “You are Themperor Simpington. The queen has spoken. I met Sunwoo once and obviously offered to climb that tree but they left and Joonie was sad so I’m no longer a fan of tall, hot and dimpled. If it makes you feel any better, I’m a huge simp for my sweet boy.”

“Hey, I’m funny. Fuck you,” they retorted, chuckling. “I’ve been told that I’m charismatic, and that’s helped me out in the industry. I’m still not that famous though.” While Jack was relatively well-known in queer circles, heterosexual circles were a whole other ballpark. Being friends with Brandon and recently befriending Vanessa did help their social standing though. “Themperor Simpington my butt,” they grumbled. “Wait, when you say ‘my sweet boy,’ do you mean Minjoon or do you have another boo I should know about?”

“Bitch, I been trying to get you to for so long now. I was starting to think you needed glasses.” Bee broke into a laugh before he even finished his sentence, nudging Jack’s arm in his giggling. “Yeah, you have to have a look and you have to be charming to start work in this industry but to survive in it? You have to be smart. About that though, I know I keep promising you a space on my next project and it’s had a few.. speed bumps I guess? Not really speed bumps but personal delays? Either way, I know enough now to be able to tell you that Queen B’s.. that I’m releasing a trial perfume.. fragrance line. Five scents to start, each will have its own colour have theme shots with, each will have its own model to associate with and I want you, if you’re interested?” Their mumbling made Brandon grin, coughing as a terrible fake attempt at covering up the ‘Simp.’ he titled them with again. “Minjoon is my sweet boy. I don’t have another boo, not even a little bit but if you hear simp alarms going off whenever I like the instas of a very beautiful friend of mine then mind ya business.”

"Oh my god. Brandooooon!" Though Jack had quite a few friends with benefits in their days, whenever the thought of doing anything with Brandon crossed their mind, they thought about the bright-eyed, bushy-tailed seventeen-year-old they met all those years ago. Jack's eyes lit up when he started talking about his fragrance line project. "Oh hell yeah I'm interested. Just remember, my favorite colors are purple and pink." They winked at Brandon. Aside from one photoshoot in L.A. that they did after fashion weeks, their work schedule was dryer than a desert. Of course they wouldn't tell him that though. They didn't want to sound desperate. Jack would've taken this job even if they weren't in need of work. "B, you're gonna have to be a little more specific than that. I know you. You don't befriend ugly people."

The laugh that left him this time was more of a giggle and he scrunched his nose up, shaking his head. “I tease but honestly, you’re practically family. Did you know that my parents ask after you? They know as much about you as I do but.. Well, they’re embarrassing. Eh, mom’s okay. Dad’s embarrassing so you’ll probably never meet them but yeah.. They get told about the important people in my life and you’ve been in it longer than Joonie.” Brandon groaned, setting his glass down. “Can’t believe I’m being gross and emotional already. Moving on..” He said, a little louder. “Purple would be fantastic for you. It’s a very royal colour and I’m going to do the obvious and lean into that a little but silk, not velvet. Pink was going to have a sweet-candy-lace vibe to it but if you want pink I can give you pink.” Brandon rolled his eyes, despite the heat he could feel spreading up his neck. “I have a... friend called Kian and he’s... There hasn’t been a word invented yet for how beautiful he is and it’s ridiculous and gross because I don’t lose my mind over pretty boys but he’s.. He makes me blush, Jack. I don’t blush.”

"Brandooooooooon! Stop, you're gonna make me blush. I'd love to meet your parents. Parents love me. Well, actually, I just love milfs and dilfs," Jack cackled at their own dumb joke. "But in all seriousness, let me know when they come to town!" As much as they wanted to meet Mr. and Mrs. Kelly, they didn't want to go to the Kelly home to do so. Jack knew that they shared a home state with Brandon, and didn't want to reenter North Carolina at the risk of running into their family. "Ooh, purple and silk? Now you're speaking my language!" Jack wiggled their eyebrows when Brandon mentioned Kian by name. "A yes, the cute delivery boy. You've mentioned him before. We're Instagram mutuals!"

“Do it! Blush, you coward!” Brandon laughed, leaning against Jack’s arm to nudge them. “Oh my god. I can’t believe I have to say this but if you’re gonna fuck my parents, please don’t date them and wait until I’m out of the room if you’re going to flirt, I don’t need to see that. They really would love to meet you though, they’ve been waiting for permission to come to town.” Brandon grinned at Jack at their approval, giving a small nod. “I’ll get some things drawn up for you. I do have a few already as rough drafts but now I know you’re taking it, I can design something a little more tailored to you.” The warmth spreading across his cheeks and colouring his face a darker shade of pink only grew worse as Jack wiggled their brows at him. “Yeah.. Well.. He’s almost perfect. The only thing I’d change about him is his last name.” His reaction to himself was instant, throwing himself against the cushions to yell out a laugh. “And I keep saying dumb cheesy shit like that! I’m a bumbling mess around him. Like.. Like I start off all smooth and collected and then he smiles and I’m just.. fucking applying to be hired by hallmark. It’s.. It’s so cringe and gross and... I’m happy.”

"Brandon, I'll become your new step-parent and ground you, don't tempt me," Jack joked, cackling. "Well give it to them! Don't deprive me of your loving parents!" Jack didn't have loving parents of their own, so if Brandon's parents were anything like Brandon, Jack was going to latch to them like nobody's business. "Oh my goooooooooooood, that was so coooooorrrrnnnnnyyyyy! Damn, and you call me a simp! I'm not out here reciting poetry on main about my crush. And if you bring up the fact that we have keys to each others' apartments, mind your business." Jack knew they were simping hard over Vivian, but now it was Brandon's turn to be in the hot seat. "So have you considered, you know, talking to him?"

“Their ex girlfriend actually tried that once. Oh my god, it was kind of funny though. You’ll have to treat me better when our guests arrive and do as you’re told or I’ll have you cut off until you learn some damn respect.” He mimicked in a too high voice, rolling his eyes afterwards. “Like.. Honey, I’ve only just noticed you’re not the last guy they were dating and that’s only because you started pterodactyl screeching.” Despite his playful tone, Brandon could feel warmth spreading across his face. “Yeah, okay. I’ll.. I’ll invite them up to meet you.” Having made peace with the fact that he‘d made himself into a product, his parents were off limits when it came to the people in his life, knowing how fickle and superficial a lot of his relationships with people were. It was different with Jack though, Jack really was his friend. “Honestly, I’ve been an absolute mess. I pulled the whole ‘My friends call me B, you can call me any time.’ Thing on him when we met and now I just blush all the time and feel nauseous over butterflies.” He waved his hand quickly at Jack’s news, shaking his head. “NUH uh.. We are not going to just gloss over that? Oh my god? Keys? You’re entering domesticity. Like.. Me and Joonie levels of domesticity and my parents are the founders of the BranJoon wedding fan club. Like.. You’re getting into that territory..” There was a small pause before a smile spread across his face. “I’m happy for you, babe. Honestly. You deserve this.” He couldn’t help but sigh at the question, sinking into his seat a little with a pout on his features and a small shrug. “I’ve been so obvious about it. Short of getting a neon sign to carry around, I don’t know how much more obvious I could be and sometimes it feels like he’s being obvious back? Like.. It feels like it’s not just one sided? And then I start having a gay panic and do something dumb because he’s way out of my league which is a new thing for me. I do want to though. Should I?”

"Hold up, hold up. I said that as a joke. You're telling me that your parents are actually non-monogamous?! And you didn't tell me until now?! I came out as polyam like, 2-3 years ago! And now I'm in a monogamous set-up again. I missed my shot. I'm hurt." Jack put their hands over their chest and sniffled, but almost immediately returned to their usual cheerful demeanor. "I'm kidding, I'm not gonna become your step-daddy, or... I don't know what a gender-neutral equivalent would be besides 'parent,' and that doesn't roll of the tongue as well." This wasn't something they had to think about right away. It wasn't like they were going to wake up tomorrow with a child. "Ah yes, your infamous pick-up line." Jack's face turned pink when Brandon acknowledged the keys. "Okay, I actually do have an explanation! I initially gave her my spare key because I asked her to water my plants when I was away for Fashion Week. Granted, she didn't do a good job and managed to kill both plants, but that's an aside. But yeah, I just never asked for the spare key back." Jack gave Brandon a shoulder pat. They really didn't know Kian, so couldn't tell what the full situation was. "What I've learned from my many years of dating men is that men are dumb and sometimes you literally need to spell things out for them."

“As momma dearest says, monogamy is for the weak. Anyway, they were already in a relationship when you came out. Also? I don’t want to be hooking my parents up with my hotties?” Brandon pulled a face at Jack, nose scrunched up in disapproval. “To be fair though, you and Viv wouldn’t even be the first couple they’ve dated. You’d be the first I’d... somewhat approve of but..” He shrugged before laughing. “Oh my god. There are a couple.. Zaza or zeze instead of dada and mama but given the chance I’d mash up dad and mom and just refer to you as my dom to make everyone in the room uncomfortable.” He shook his head, laughing quietly. “I hate this so much, Jack please.” “I think it’s funny, definitely in my top 3 introductions.” He found himself sitting up straighter when he noticed the blush on Jack’s cheeks, a grin forming on his own features. “Oh my god. She killed your plants and you let her keep your key? Say it with me, babe. Simp. You’re cute though. I’m totally 100% on board with the two of you. She was one of my heroes.” When the conversation turned back to him, Brandon tilted his head as he weighed his options. “Not Kiki but... You’re right, I guess. He’s probably so used to everyone being in love with him that my flirting is just baseline niceties. Okay, yeah. I’ll.. I’ll tell him that I’m crazy about him. Or I’ll just text him that aggressive meme about wanting to hold hands.”

"Aaaaah, your parents are so cool! I wish my parents were cool like that. Mine are just homophobic." There was a lot more to Sofia and Tony Corleone than just that, but very few people knew about them. This was very much intentional. They made a face at 'zaza' and 'zeze.' "Yeah, not really digging those ones... Wait. Dom?!" Jack paused to laugh. "Fucking hell. Yes. That's definitely what my future kids are gonna call me." Jack never brought up the topic of kids to Vivian. They were still very early in their relationship and Jack was afraid they were too old to be a parent. It was still a nice thought though. "Yeah. I got back from Paris and she was having a bad day, so I ordered a pizza and we just... talked. Had a real heart-to-heart. I ended up staying the night, and we've basically had an open-door policy with each other ever since. And then the next day I went back into my apartment and found out about the plants."  Jack grabbed a pillow from the couch and lightly smacked Brandon's arm with it. "I know, I know! I'm a big sappy simpy mush. I'm a Cancer, I don't know what you expect from me." It took Jack a long time to accept their emotional side, but now they openly embraced it. "Or he might not know how to recognize flirting. I've met many people like that. Like the cute DJ at that bar where Minjoon used to work. Or Minjoon himself!”

“My parents have a big bank balance and even bigger hearts. That’s why I don’t approve of a lot of their partners but yeah.. As much as I give them shit for being lame, they’re the coolest. I mean, they’re the only reason I’m even.. y’know... Around.” Brandon let out an unattractive snort and sat forward to retrieve his glass, pouting when he realised it was empty but simply sat back instead of refilling it. “Please, I am begging you, think carefully as to why I’d find calling you my dom funny before you commit to that decision.” He pressed his lips together to fight his laugh before he let out a soft hum. “Do you think that’s where you’re headed with her? Is she someone you can see yourself having kids with?” He asked softly, his whole demeanour changing from playful now that they had ventured into serious topics. “You don’t have to say yes and you don’t have to have an answer right now. Things are still new with you both and y’know... Take it from the adopted, some people don’t want kids and some do.” He shrugged a little.

“Ew. You talked to each other over pizza because one of you had a bad day? That’s disgusting.” When hit with the pillow, Brandon grabbed it to tug it away from Jack so they couldn’t attack him again and he hugged it to his chest, propping his chin on it. “I live for that kind of domesticity.” He sighed wistfully. “You are a big simpy mush and I love that about you. It’s gross and honest and just very sweet. I’m really glad you have someone who makes you feel that way, babe.” Brandon  rolled his eyes and gave the pillow a small squeeze. “Vito really doesn’t recognise flirting? The dude wants to be an actor! With a face like that a lot of his roles are probably going to have it. I wanted to ask if he wanted any help getting into it because he was good to Joonie when they worked together and I always appreciate people taking care of the babie but I also feel like I don’t know him well enough to just give him a shout about a job. Eh. Maybe I’ll get Joonie to text him about this perfume thing and actually see what skills he has. Joonbug doesn’t count for the whole flirting thing though, attraction isn’t really his thing.”

"I gotcha," Jack stated, nodding. They had a similar problem when they first started modeling. They loved to spoil their loved ones-- and still do-- and people often took advantage of their generosity. As Jack grew older, they learned how to weed out the moochers. Of course Brandon was never a moocher; he wasn't the type to take without giving, plus he had plenty of his own money. Jack watched for Brandon's reaction, then chuckled in response to his face. "Babe, I know. I was joking. Could you imagine?!" They shrugged at Brandon's question. "Honestly, I have no idea. I think it's too soon to talk about that kinda stuff. I thought I was never gonna become a parent because Sage didn't want kids, but, you know, they're not my fiancé anymore." Sage not wanting kids wasn't the main reason the engagement was broken off, but it was a bone of contention in the relationship.

"Oh hush. One day you'll have a heart-to-heart over pizza too. Well, maybe not because of the whole gluten thing, but some food that you enjoy." They stuck their tongue out at Brandon. "Ohh, that's his name! At least he didn't recognize me flirting with him. Could just be that he wasn't into me because he's straight, but I'm hot so that's dumb." Jack didn't want to have sex with straight dudes anyways, so they didn't consider it a major loss. "Attraction isn't his thing? Is he asexual or something?" they asked curiously. "Wait a minute, you're deflecting!"

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

Have you read anything good recently?

boy have I 

when I was flying home for Christmas I read Catherynne M. Valente’s Space Opera, which is my absolute favorite kind of science fiction: lots of good aliens who give zero shits about human norms, very funny except when it decides to deal you an unexpected undercut of feelings, pretty queer, manages to have a story with planet-destroying stakes (usually a sci-fi boner killer for me) but makes it good by focusing on just a few fuckups and their feelings. it’s about a washed-up rockstar (he/him, nonbinary and bisexual) having to compete in space!Eurovision on behalf of the entire human race, which will be wiped out if he loses.

before that I was reading Sarah Gailey’s River of Teeth and it is??? SUCH a messy novella but also SO FUN. it’s cowboys on a caper but they’re not on horses they’re on HIPPOS because this takes place in an alternate history where the United States government made a very silly decision and went all-in on hippos and things just Keep Happening and I couldn’t really keep track of the action at any point but the main guy is a pansexual disaster who’s stupid in love with a nonbinary demolitions expert who fully tried to kill him the first time they met so suffice to say I need the sequel immediately. 

if you like nonfiction Jia Tolentino’s collection of essays Trick Mirror is sharp and brilliant and devastatingly insightful, particularly if you’re a person like me who spends way too much time online. it’s smart reading without ever feeling like a chore and I like it so much that I a.) went out of my way to acquire a copy to own, which is not something I do often with books anymore and b.) may or may not have been influenced to delete my patreon after reading it.

also swinging back to fiction I’m currently reading Silvia Moreno Garcia’s The Beautiful Ones and like. let me be clear that I hate when people feel the need to preemptively dismiss something they like by saying “it’s not exactly Art” but this really isn’t art, the prose is so basic, but I’m a simple bitch who LOVES high society drama and loves it even more when there are paranormal elements thrown in, so I’m really thriving on this comedy of manners + telekinesis bullshit. the telekinesis isn’t even part of the plot, it’s just window dressing. and yet. I am devouring it like a bucket of cotton candy, I love it. 

[queerchoicesblog]

The Birthday Party (SC Titanic, Zetta x Adele Series, Ch. 10/2)

Here it is the second part of chapter 10!

Guys, I'm gonna be honest with you: I'm not sure when the next one will be out: it could be Tuesday next week or in weeks from now. So consider this series on potential hiatus. I'm struggling to find words in my everyday life and writing feels quite pointless atm. Hopefully if will change soon but that's the situation atm, I'm sorry.

Little disclaimer-favor: if you do enjoy it, please consider supporting the author & sharing this. A little gesture that means a lot!

Word Count: 3000+

Zetta x Adele Tag: @storyscaped@storyscapefanficarchive@marmolady @animus-and-anima @hayley-carter19 @escako@everlastingchoices @andrxrneda @aestheticsayeed@indescribablechoices @ahrielstuff@bornonawdnsday @nazario-sayeed  @h-doodles @adele-serda@marlcasters@brightpinkpeppercorn @nightwhite13@ramenwithaspoon@michelleconnoly @charliejane-blog @ghost-of-yuri@choicesgremlin @shadeofangelus @mistressofspiesxenia@orange-elephants​

Zetta x Adele Series Tag: @eternal-langdon @nydeiri

➡️ Ch. 1, Ch. 2/1, Ch. 2/2, Ch. 3, Ch. 4, Ch. 5, Ch. 6, Ch. 7, Ch. 8/1, Ch. 8/2, Ch. 9, Ch. 10/1

_____________________ 

Returning to the party still in full swing after my stolen moment with Adele is disheartening. I guess going back to our miseries in this crazy world after experiencing a glimpse of Heaven is pretty much the same feeling. I wonder how poor Dante coped back then. A smiling waiter hands me another glass of sweet alcoholic poison and I put my mask back on, even if I struggle now. I try to distract myself and be entertained by the chirpy conversations and gossips of my guests but my mind keeps running back to her. "I know, I wish this moment didn't have to end" "We'll make our own plays. Whaddya say?" I giggle at their silly jokes and outrageous stories, I retort with witticisms out of a script but I can't hear them, not truly. I'm not here. The Zetta is, not me. I am still in my lover's company. I can only hear her soft voice, our words of love. I don't have time nor will to hear that hilarious improbable story I'll absolutely have to tell Richard or that marvellous recent scientific discovery. I smile, I fake interest and thank God -and myself- I am a great actress.

As I move to another table where Lucille is beckoning me over I look out of the window, taking in the starry sky. I'm surprised but a quick smile cross my lips when I spot Adele hanging in there with a steward I saw around the lifts. They're leaning on the railing and chatting. They look like close friends: maybe they were accidentally reunited on board or is it true what they say? Ships make fast friends. I'll ask her about him. Not out of jealousy, even if I wish I could neglect my party more and run at her side where he stands. Even if I wish I could be the one making her laugh now. I just smile at the two of them, grateful that my troubled love is in good company tonight. God knows if she doesn't need a friend and some happiness after all she went through. And I'm afraid the worst is yet to come...

I do my best to lose myself in the complicated story about a common acquaintance my friend is sharing with the ladies and it works, to some extent. At least until when Sabine comes find me and invite the whole group to stand as the waiters pick up the table moving then toward the wall to clear space. Oh, we'll have some dancing! Even the musicians are now moving to the center of the far wall to be heard best. The crowd, myself included, is delighted and in awe. As the first chords of my favorite waltz start playing, everyone is looking for their partners and hurrying to finish their drinks. I drain mine, trying not to think of how much I would love to have this dance with my love no matter how inappropriate it would sound to many here. I ditch the Baron though -that lovable shark isn't fast enough this time!- and a couple of other hopeful admirers to hold Lawrence's hand. "Shall we dance, darling?" I smile encouraged you at him. We both long for a partner we can't pick out in the sun: let our shared sorrow fade away on the note of The Blue Danube, my dear friend. Lawrence understands or so it seems by the bittersweet yet thankful smile he offers me. He reads the unwritten and hears the unspoken words too. My poor dear Lawrence... We chat like old friends as we sway among the crowd. He's not only a brilliant director but also one of the finest dancer I've ever met. He blush a little when I sing his praises and just shrugs saying he has loved dancing. Typical, humble Lawrence... He lowers his voice a little when he thanks me for inviting him to the party, "well, me and Felix". He looks touched when I assure him that I wouldn't have had it any other way, I deeply value our friendship. "Me too, Zetta. You can count on me" he beams before his melancholic smile reappears. "If we close our eyes, we're in a fancy ballroom in Vienna" he whispers, leaning close and guiding the two of us into a graceful turn. I'm about to share a memory of my youth there with him, when I was blinded by the beauty and luxury of the imperial aristocracy there when ruckus erupts from the other side of the room. Surprised cries and laughter ring as the guests stop dancing and the music ceases. "What? My party is not over yet" I playfully protest, pouting. I'm suddenly nervous. I fear the time has come: time for the squalid yet hurtful family theatrics, time for James's show. I try to find out what's going on but I can't make my way through a crowd of ladies and gentlemen stretching their necks and whispering to each other. My fears are sadly confirmed when I catch the baritone voice of the Baron saying "Good show, Miss Carrem. Getting smart with you, was he?" "I'm afraid I cannot stand overfamiliarity. I apologise for making a scene" My love's voice is a bit shaken: is it anger or fright? Concern and fury take hold of me and I shutter my jaw. Lawrence squeezes my hand and I am grateful. "It is I who should apologise, on behalf of those who call themselves gentle..." the Baron continues but James interrupts him. "Oh do be quiet!" His tone is harsh, pure drunk rage. The crowd seems to lose interest in the argument and the music resumes but I'm still wary. I know James is up to something and it's just a matter of time. "I'm sure it's nothing, Zetta. A little misunderstanding...and Miss Carrem knows how to take care of herself" It's Lawrence. I turn to him and he's smiling reassuringly down at me, giving my shoulder a gentle squeeze. I feels so grateful for his lovable kindness right now, an anchor in a troubled sea. I nod and try to shake my bad gut feelings away. "Why don't we take a break and enjoy the waltz with a drink?" he adds, gesturing to the drink table near the window. I compliment his idea and let him guide me through the crowd. The cold her of the night cools me down and I take a long breath to soothe my nerves. Maybe I was wrong, maybe I'll be spared the drama. Unlikely but I can still hope right? I almost sink the glass of sherry Lawrence hands me, triggering a concerned look that I dismiss, claiming I'm perfectly fine. I just needed a break, I'm not twenty anymore, I grimly joke. "True Beauty never ages, dear Zetta. A beautiful soul defies the cruel compass of time" Lawrence proclaims with a smile. I ask him what poet wrote that line because I can't recollect it in the moment but I'm not surprised in the least to hear that he is the one behind that sweet thought. I pull him into a hug whispering thank you into his ear. When we part, he encourage me to make a wish. "It's your birthday, after all: isn't it a tradition in America?" he asks. I'm still considering and rambling when Felix and Sabine approach us. The party is going well and the guests are enjoying themselves. They just wanted to check in on the honeree, Felix says. Lawrence shows our empty glasses making a funny face and we all laugh. I ask about the little incident before. Felix assures me once again that it was nothing. I turn towards my little Napoleon for confirmation. "Oui, Madam. Nothing more than a quid pro quo. You know how it is. Youth" Sabine says but the look in her eyes tells a different story. "Miss Zetta, any chance you'll make an appearance in our documentary?" Felix intervenes, quickly changing the topic. "We would be most honoured" Lawrence adds, beaming. "A little tribute to one of the finest passengers of the liner" I give a soft laugh, playing with the idea. Maybe I could, after all. A quick cameo. It wouldn't take too much time. I playfully brush them off calling out their flattery but they assure they had considered it over the last few days on board. "It would be a pleasure and an honor" Felix bows. I sigh contently, my eyes wandering from one admirer and friend to the other. "Very well then, my dear friends: I'm in! Why don't we meet...let's say over breakfast or lun-" I start but I stop mid-sentence. Behind my back, an hysterical laugh echoes through the café, drawing the general attention. Conversations and music fades away and an awkward tense silence settles. Cold runs down my spine and I fear my face suddenly goes pale as I recognise the voice. Jamie. It's time. I must endure this bad farçe. I inhale sharply. You can do this, you are a great actress and you survived worst days. You survived Franz. Get ready, Zetta. On scene in three, two one... When I turn, he's stalking towards me, shirt stained with wine and an hysterical light gleaming in his bright eyes. He's dragging Adele along like a puppet. A disheartening picture compared to my fondest memories of him. "Excuse me, Aunt, I merely wished to offer a toast: my salutations on this glorious occasion and-" he exclaims, raising his glass and sloshing wine over the edges. "You interrupting to chew the cud, here, James? Get to the point" I sound a bit harsh, as if annoyed of another interruption. I roll my eyes as I would do with a problematic kid throwing a tantrum and forgetting his manners. Ironically, it's what he's doing, even if he's no longer a child. A weird, unpleasant smile crosses his face. Maybe he was expecting my reaction? "And a fond farewell to your secretary" he adds menacingly as I take a sip of sherry. I narrow my eyes at him over my glass, half annoyed, half amused. Bring it on, Jaime dear. "A farewell? And why might that be?" I see Sabine tensing up at my peripheral. James looks so pleased of himself as he takes the stage like a practiced professional. He doesn't realise he's just behaving like a pathetic buffoon to my -and most guests's -eyes. "To put it simply: Adele is a confidence woman who agreed to come abroad the Titanic to help me destroy you" "Come again?" I fake surprise as the crowd gasps and starts whispering. The attention and the look on my face renew his foolish fervor. "I brought Adele to help me ruin your marriage to Richard King, to keep him from ruining our family... For the price of her freedom, your secretary was to get close to you, discover your worst secret, and deliver it to me." He stops, making a dramatic pause. And now I know: it's the moment of truth. Time of Adele's choice. I stand, concealing my inner turmoil and fears, as the crowd basks into this unexpected juicy coup de theatre. When he speaks again, his mouth twists with a rage I've never fathomed he could hide inside. "She failed!" She...protected me? Even knowing at what cost... My eyes instinctively search Adele's but James is not done yet. "And now she'll go back to jail, where I found her" he shouts, spiralling out of control but loud enough to be heard by everyone. At the word "jail", the crowd utters a collective gasp. He wants to publicly humiliate her since he can't get what he was looking for. Because she dared refuse him the key to my ruin. I wish I could just drop the act and slap some sense into him. What pains me most is seeing him succeeding, to some extent. Adele is frowning under that low blow. I throw glares at everyone taking a step back from her as if she suddenly turned into a criminal or an insect. Miserable bastards... My love proves herself to be superior to all this, again. She straightens up and addresses the crowd, providing explanations she doesn't owe to any of us" "I was arrested for public disruption at a protest for women's rights. I'm not proud of having been jailed, but I'm not ashamed of what I was fighting for" she says, grimacing. Then she looks at me and I smile at her, hoping to convey all my respect, deepest affection and admiration for my sweet brave revolutionary. Let me help you now, my angel. I turn towards James and my smile loses all its warmth. "Bravo, James. You're quite the schemer" I knew he would be confused. I'll deny you something too, Jaime. You won't get an ounce of the despair you wanted. You won't see me crying and crumble under your betrayal: I'm not a Julius Caesar stumbling underneath your dagger. "That's all you have to say? You've been played. She was hired to ruin your marriage-" "She was, wasn't she?" I cut him short. "But she has a conscience, and a lot of courage" I take a pause before smiling again, cold and victorious. "Adele told me all about your terrible plan" His jaw drops and his rosy cheeks pale. He grabs Adele's arm and starts drunkly ramble again. "You - what? No. This doesn't change anything. I'll take you back-" This time Adele interrupts him, spitting the harsh truth right in his face. "Your only power was your wealth, and now that's gone. Along with the trust of your only relative" He releases her and I wonder if he finally realised what a fool, what an ungrateful fool he has been. Adele's right, James. When he turns to me, a desperate look on his face, I brace myself for his tears. Him begging for a forgiveness I'm not sure I will ever be able to give him. Apparently, I haven't learned my lesson: men can't be trusted. Men will always lie to you. "She's the one blackmailing me" Adding insult to injury, Jamie dear? "No, James. She's not" I'm cold and firm, despite the heartbreak I feel growing inside me. "You'll value the word of this secretary over your own blood?" His disbelief quickly turns into rage again. "I value my own sense, James; your plotting was plain as that smirk on your face" My voice is sharp: yes, I want to hurt him just like he hurt me. I want him to feel ashamed and sorry for what he did to me, to Adele. My sharp retort provokes some nervous giggles soon silenced in our audience. I sense fury building up inside him until it explodes. He bangs on the table with his fist, making everyone jump. "I'll get to Hileni, then, I'll hold her, I'll make you tell Zetta's secret-" Is he even speaking to Adele or...to himself? Honestly, I cannot tell. And I'm grateful to Matteo for intervening. I don't know what he's whispering into his ear but it seems to work. James seems to remember himself. For a split second, sadly. He straightens his cuffs and gives us all a tight, cruel smile. "Off to send word to the authorities, then" he says and turns to Adele and me. "As I said before, say your goodbyes" Then he walks away as the unabashed crowd part the way for his supposed grand exit. When he's out of the room, the guests are puzzled, unsure of what they just witnessed. They look at each other asking the neighbour or their partner what our family farçe was. I'm afraid this is just the beginning of another sorrow but the worst is gone. For the night, at least. I let out a long, exhausted sigh: God knows if it wasn't tough but I can breathe now. We can breathe again. And plan a counter attack to his pathetic scheme. I instinctively reach for her hand and take it into mine, uncaring of the crowd around us. "I didn't think the boy would actually do it" Yes, I tried to convince myself of that. I wanted to believe that he was apparently better than he actually is, that he wouldn't stoop so low...but what is my life if not a collection of disappointments from men? "Should I be worried?" There's a hint of concern in Adele's voice. I can't blame her: I don't recognise my nephew anymore, I can hardly tell how seriously we should consider his threats. "I doubt it, but he's not to be underestimated when his pocketbook is in peril" I know my answer offers little comfort but I continue, squeezing her hand to prove my loyalty to her: "Whatever he tries, though, I'll be by your side" Adele smiles down to our hands before meeting my eyes again. "I have faith in you, Zetta. Thank you" Despite I can see more than understandable concerns and fears written all over her face, she squeezes my hand back. I take a deep breath. The weight of the latest events is washing over me. "I'm going to retire to my room and prepare a message to my lawyers. If anyone can figure out a way to  keep you out of jail, it's them" "Are you certain?" I give my love a sad smile. "There's little certain in this life, sweetheart, but lawyers with a high hourly rate? They're as close as we'll get" We just smile at my little mot d'esprit. "This wasn't exactly the soirée I wanted, but I suppose the truth had to come out sometime." I continue. I look at her in the eye as I add: "You're a true friend, Adele" I lean towards her so only she can hear. "And I'll wait up for you tonight, if you'd like" Please come find me later, my love. We will find a way to keep you out of trouble, we'll meet the dawn if need be and forget our sorrows and the unpleasantness of this soirée in each other arms. To my surprise, Adele wraps her around me, pulling me into a tight embrace. It takes me a moment to process it but I've never felt closer to tears. Surrounded by the familiar warmth of her body. I know someone is probably, surely staring with a bit of curiosity and malice after the melodrama we offered for free tonight but I don't care. Not now. So I hug her back and give a quick gentle stroke to her cheek as I part. After one last lingering weak smile at her, I gesture Sabine that it's time for our retreat. With the last ounce of strength left in me to keep my act on, I wave diplomatically at the gossiping guests and take my leave, my little Napoleon in tow. The show's over, lads. The show's over...

[storiesaboutcole]

Request 13: Cole is jealous of Alex Turner.

From Anonymous: Hi! I do have a dum request, coul you write about Cole's girlfriend and having some very intimate moments with her favorite artist and Crush (alex turner maybe)in a music video and he gets really mad and jealous? Thank you! Plus another part for pointless would make me very happy

“I have good news. Great news!” you announced, clasping your fingers together as you walked into the apartment. Cole was sitting on the couch, smiling at you as his eyes trailed your every movement, waiting for you to settle next to him.

"So, I got a call today from my agent and guess what?”

“What?” Cole eyed you with a lopsided grin.

“I am going to be in a music video! With The Last Shadow Puppets!” you exclaimed, squeezing your boyfriends arm.

“Okay, sorry baby, but who’s that?” Cole chuckled.

“What? Okay, okay. So, you do know that band Arctic Monkeys, right?”

“Uh-uh,” Cole nodded with furrowed brows.

“So the frontman, Alex Turner, he has this side band with his best friend and they are called The Last Shadow Puppets, so long story short, I’m going to be in a music video with freaking Alex Turner! Ahh!”

Cole’s mouthed opened as he glanced at you. “Do people even still watch those?” he laughed.

A small frown turned down your lips making Cole to cheekily plant a kiss on it. “I’m just kidding. Congratulations! My beautiful, talented girlfriend is going to nail it, I’m sure.”

“I hope so! They said they are going to make the video seriously hot. Whatever that means,” you told him again with pure excitement.

Cole’s face quickly went the opposite way as his jaw drop open. “You mean like a hot scene between you and the band?”

“Sort of. They made me wear a swimsuit during audition, so... I guess?” 

Cole was silent one moment longer, his face hardened. You ran a finger along his cheek, trying to figure out what he was thinking. “Cole?” He snapped his eyes to yours again. You wasn’t sure if what you’ve just said was bothering you.

“Like a sex scene?” he tilted his head you.

“Uhm, not really... but almost naked, maybe?”

“Oh... or a threesome?”

“Cole! It’s a music video, not porno,” you laughed, adding, “But that’s okay, right? I mean, you’ve done a couple of these kinds of hot scenes yourself...” 

“I’ve never done any threesome scenes...’

“Not that, silly! I mean these ‘intimate scenes’. Doesn’t necessarily means sex, but, just being intimate on screen kind of thing...” you muttered which sounded like you’re questioning yourself.

Cole was refocussing in an intense look at you. His face then softened, grabbing your fidgeting hand and placed it gently in between his hand, “You’re going to do great, baby. I just know it.”

***

As soon as you got home the first thing you did was connect your phone to your charger. It has been buzzing with life since the music video premiered in the morning and you never thought that you’d receive such positive response for you music video debut with The Last Shadow Puppets. You’ve gained tonnes of the band’s followers on your Instagram and some of their fans were even starting a new ship between you and Alex Turner in your comment section, which you thought was rather funny - they had no idea that you were already dating the most brilliant guy you’ve ever met since both you and Cole agreed to keep it private from the public. 

“Hey!” you greeted Cole cheerily when you spotted him on the lazy chair in the corner of your bedroom, browsing on his iPad. You were just so excited to show him the video since you waited to watch it together with him.

“Hey...” his tone was something to worry about.

“What’s wrong?”

“You said almost naked and that’s it. But it’s clearly not the case, isn’t it? Congratulations. About 500 thousand people have seen you done it.”

“Huh? I don’t understand?”

Cole held up the iPad screen and showed you what he’s been doing. He was apparently on the Youtube app, watching the music video. 

“Well, to be fair, I haven’t seen it. But are you mad or something?” You tried to keep your tone calm as you sat on the bed so you could properly face him. He glanced away, obviously very angry.

“I have no idea that the video was going to be that intimate.”

“But, I told you that the were going to be intimate scenes, right? Plus, it’s not a sex scene or anything. I mean, you yourself have done it before. You know how it is behind the scenes. I mean, Alex, he, he’s really understanding. He didn’t want to make me do it if I wasn’t comfortable -”

“Oh, so you were comfortable rolling around in bed with him, naked like that?”

“Cole, you should know better that it’s just acting,” you chuckled, trying to knock some senses into your boyfriend. “I was wearing a body suit. And most of the time I was shooting in a bikini. It’s not a big deal.”

“So, this Alex dude is understanding which explains all of the behind-the-scenes photos? A piggyback ride on the set. Really Y/N?”

“Wait. What? Did you just Googled me?” you placed your hand on his, but he quickly pulled himself away from you.

“Baby, come on. Don’t be mad. I swear it’s just acting and Al and I, we were very professional. You know that. I know for sure whatever photos you were talking about, they were all during the takes. The paps just made it look like it wasn’t just to sell headlines. You should know this and again, you are way off on this one, Cole,” you caressed the side of his face.

“Al, huh? So you guys are on nickname basis now?” his eyes pierced yours, his face didn’t even light up at your touch. “What does he call you then? Babe? Sugar? Darling?”

“Cole... this is not fair. I never threw any tantrums about any of your intimate scenes.”

“Well, that’s because you know that I am trustworthy. I know how to handle myself.” There was no mistaking it. His hurtful words of anger. Just pure anger.

“Oh, wow. Are you saying that I am not trustworthy?”

He only shrugged.

“Gee, thanks Cole. This is my first video debut and I’d expect my boyfriend to be the first person to be happy for me. I guess it’s just too much to ask, but, I can take that. If you’re not supportive of my career, then fine. But calling me not trustworthy? That’s something else,” you trembled as you walked out of the room. You knew that jealousy was always going to be a little part of Cole. His idea of people were always interested in you was ridiculous to you, but Cole loved you so much and so hard that he could only assume everyone else did too. Except, the things that he had just said was tough. He could’ve been more understanding like how you would about his career. And you hated that he was being so emotional and selfish.

***

You spent the next hour trying to calm down, and not let your own anger turn to sadness or bitterness. When you heard the door of your bedroom crack open, you knew that Cole has calmed down enough to be in the same space as you were. You didn’t utter any word. Cole sat himself next to you, barely looking at you at first, but after letting out a long sigh, he turned his head towards you. You looked at each other, then he grabbed your hand, bring it towards his lips.

“I”m sorry, Y/N. I am such a jerk.”

"Cole," you sighed, "I'm loyal. You know that. Second of all, I will not be treated like this. And this isn't even you, anyway. You should understand my job more than anybody else in this world because you are an actor yourself."

He half shrugged.

“I’m not jealous.”

“Then what was that? You just chucked a tantrum because of the music video. Don’t you trust that I can be professional at work too?” You pulled away your hand from his, and folded your arms across your chest.

"Okay. Maybe I am. I don't know. You're... you’re just so beautiful and smart. Funny and has the biggest heart, and that Alex Turner guy is just the epitome of a perfect match for you. You guys look great together on screen and it’s bothering me to know that someone like him had a brief chemistry with you, even it’s acting and all. It’s just... I just… I think that you could easily replace me with someone like that anytime you like because you are that wonderful. Any guy would easily fall for you. That was how I fell in love with you anyway..."

"Cole, baby. Look. You're right. I am smart. I am smart enough to know what I want, and who I want. Smart enough to know what I feel. And smart enough to be professional while working, okay? I love you. Just you. Here is where everyone else is," you said and held your hand out at hip level, "and here is you," you said as your hand moved to reach as far above your head as possible. He smiled softly. His eyebrows were still pinched together. He was still worried. "No one can simply replace you just like that. Okay?"

"I love you, Y/N... and I am sorry."

"I love you too."

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Damn it," he pulled you into a tight hug and you could feel the regret. It was burning out of him and his cheeks were red with shame.

"It's okay. Cole" you shrieked when he was clamping on you and it was getting a little too tight to breathe. He shook his head, indicating he had no intention of letting you go. "Just. Never again, okay?"

[rumata-est]

Impossible Girl

Part one

Well, to summarize: when the Doctor met Clara Oswald, she was about 24, she was curious, brave, eager for adventures, very smart and fast. In "Deep Breath" she is 27, so she spent about 3 years with the Doctor and learnt a lot. She is very forthright but she also understands people's feelings very well that's why she knows when to stop and when to make the Doctor stop. She cares.

However, we rarely see Clara being really kind to somebody in particular. Is she kind? She obviously knows it’s necessary to be kind and sympathetic (never mind to whose advantage), and this knowledge defines most of her actions. It sounds very Machiavellian though pretty realistic, and such character type fits adventures and life in general very well.

What happens when the Doctor changes?

The thing is throughout the series 8 the Doctor is in the middle of his own “am I a good man” crisis, he shows off deliberately, he wants Clara’s attention, he parks the TARDIS in her flat, and they are actual roommates. From now on every day it's a roller coaster and a personal matter cause his argument to pull her into adventures is "I need you no matter how I treat you and other people" at any time. That’s annoying. But she says "fine". The Doctor is not the only one who changed: the veil lifted, she is not a young woman anymore, she has to accept bad choices exist, and sometimes (most of the time since you’re a Doctor) it’s you who make them, and it’s not an easy burden. 

Why does Clara want Danny Pink? Firstly, she hates to mess things up and she did so with Danny at first sight. She was trying to be funny but instead she said something unacceptable, and she needs to fix it immediately. Secondly, she is a carer, and Danny needs somebody to deal with his trauma. Thirdly, she’s eager to make her existence well balanced: job, domestic life, traveling, adventures. Her life’d better be amazing.

“Listen” is an extremely important episode cause Clara basically plays the Doctor’s part, and not the one shining with joy and glory. The way Clara treats Danny during their date is at least weird, but honestly, she is horrible to him. She brings the killing subject again though she doesn’t know the details and they both know it hurts him. She doesn’t apologize, makes an exit, and he doesn’t deserve it. When she got distracted, Clara and the Doctor end up in Danny’s childhood, and soon the Doctor gives a little boy a dream which will have a tremendous impact on his whole life. They don’t even know whether the monster under the bed is real. And it’s Clara’s fault. She feels guilty, and she cares so she tries to fix her ruined date (breaking the time travel rules), and she doesn’t succeed cause she is actually always “in a rush, in a state, and in space helmet”. Danny will spell it out quite neatly later: she is so busy saving the universe she can hardly see people right in front of her. Then she gets distracted again...

It's a perfect description of one of the Doctor's bad days in a nutshell: interfere, act weird, be charming, don't respect people's opinions, get distracted, mess things up, try to fix them, mess them up again...

...then have an insight, actually fix things, be charming, everyone's in awe, run away.

When Clara sees her friend and her hero as a crying little boy, she has to be a Doctor even for the Doctor, she tries to fix him. And then she wants her 2000 year old Doctor to feel that she really cares in every way. When he refuses (to hug her or whatever else), guess where she goes... underneath the strong facade she is vulnerable too. Both the Doctor and Clara are very good at hiding feelings and messing things up with people, but when you supress something it only becomes stronger. The Doctor never explains what is going on in his hearts, Danny will never know how scared, or vulnerable, or happy Clara really is. 

The great discovery is nobody’s perfect and everybody’s vulnerable. And even worse: the Doctor is vulnerable too. “Silly old universe, the more I save it, the more it needs saving”. True. Also, the truth is sometimes the universe works just fine until you interfere and screw up. 

So, Clara and the audience face the problem: to care about people you need to be kind, to care about the universe you need to be practical. It wasn’t so obvious before, but with Twelve it is. The thing is you’re a good man only if you manage to do both. Clara has to develop the concept of kindness. It’s not enough to be kind naturally, it has to be your moral choice. You have to explain how exactly you’re going to be kind to not mess things up. Unfortunately, this explanation usually includes tons of lying.

Rule One: the Doctor lies. Why? Vital survival skill, mainly for everybody around the Doctor. Clara lies too. Why? The same reason. For example, what can she possibly answer to Danny's question about the Doctor? Erm, lets see: the man who usually saves people and worlds saved my life once cause he was looking for me cause he had met kinda me twice and that kinda me had saved his life and died cause it turned out later I sacrificed myself for him and was divided into million echoes each of which was born to save him. But he saved me again, and then I helped him save his own planet which was very good cause he had been immensely traumatized by thinking he had destroyed it for the rest of the universe had survived. So, we travelled together, and saved the universe, and saw wonders, and then he changed, and now I have to get the bloody permission to hug him when he's upset. 

What the ........

It's too complicated to be explained. So Clara goes with the easiest part: he's an alien, and she sees wonders.

Saving the world isn't that easy cause there's never just black and white, you can't jump high enough, or call the Army, or name somebody "an officer". Basically, be kind. But it's quite difficult to apply these beautiful simple words to real life. Why? 

We can see it in “Kill the Moon”. We usually concentrate on things like Clara’s “clear off“ manifesto or the Doctor’s “ that was me respecting you”. But what about humanity? Why did everybody turn the lights off? Of course, that's an exagerration, of course, there would be some light on Earth. But the dark planet is a metaphor: even in the darkest of times, remember to turn on the light. Even if you’re alone never fail to be kind. And it’s a damn difficult job when all you want to turn your back on all these predictable silly little humans.

“I nearly got it wrong. I nearly didn't press that button”, Clara blurts. Ring any bells? Of course, it’s Gallifrey and the barn all over again. When there were three Doctors it was easy for Clara: she just had to tilt her head, cry a little bit and remind the Doctor to be a Doctor. But it’s not so easy when you’re in charge and your home's at stake. 

A little reminder: Clara is still about 27-28, has a regular job and a lot of cool outfits, tries to be a girlfriend and has to deal with very difficult philosophical problems and the Doctor who is a tidal wave and a walking philosophical problem himself. Don’t forget Clara is a control freak so avoiding any problems is not an option. Of course, it's too much for her.

“Mummy on the Orient Express” is all about who is in control. At first the Doctor and Clara talk about two different subjects: Clara wants to talk about her feelings and the Doctor wants to talk about his planets. Actually, each of them wants to persuade the other, it’s not just about feelings and planets. But they really have to talk about what is happening. The next scene in the corridor is a little bit better cause they are trying to talk (without bringing the real subject, of course). And the real subject is: I don’t want you to go but since I am a control freak I will stick to my “last hurrah” line. It’s more like juggling questions than a proper conversation. Clara is freaking out for fear of losing him. For fear of getting it all wrong.  

Clara hasn’t looked at the mechanism of being a Doctor like that before. We always assume the Doctor is so clever, he can push his luck and fix everything, even when it's absolutely impossible. But what if sometimes he really really can’t? What if sometimes people die on his watch, real people, no matter how hard he tries? And even worse: what if sometimes he really has grey areas? And you happen to be smart enough to notice all this? 

So, he isn’t a Deus ex Machina anymore, he is pretty real. All of this is revealed in their brilliant conversation on the beach. And then Clara asks the Doctor the same question Danny asked her: why are you doing this?

What can he possibly answer? It's his life and his hobby. It's the right thing to do and an addicition as well. And it's so beautiful Clara can't help but say "I love you" stay.  

I personally adore the way the Doctor answers Clara's question "Have you ever been sure?". He says "no", and there's a visible trembling happiness in his voice cause she really understands and accepts this part of his life now. 

A big change of heart happened. But it's a story for another day.

[destinysthralls]

[prompto voice] i want to rp with my friends all day!

follow forever ! (sorry to everyone i missed by accident)

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[zani-is-a-stan]

suzani watches the Sherlock unaired pilot

Opening

-       This version of John looks way more old and way more dad

-       That close shot on the gun tell the viewer that John is suicidal

-       The dark silhouette of the cupid statue kind of stands out. Given how the cinematography and shot framing is a lot sloppier in this version, I don’t think this is intentional. But if it was intentional, this would be a signal to the viewer that this is a love story.

-       Mmm, pass on both Anderson’s beard and this way of introducing the concept of a Sherlock

-       This title & credits sequence is so dated

-       Anderson with no inflection is boring

-       Dinner with wine is not a great place for John to be saying he’s broke

We meet Sherlock & Molly

-       We start to see the beginnings of the geometric and precise framing that are the signature of the show in that one shot of Molly behind the glass

-       Its nice to see that Molly’s character required almost no adjustment between the two versions. Given that she was the first character original to the show instead of the books, it’s nice to see that she stuck the landing so perfectly

-       It’s starting to be really obvious how loose the editing is. There’s a lot of dead air at the beginning and end of every shot before each cut. Much better in the final version.

The lab

-       This version of Sherlock seems a lot more accurate to the book Sherlock from Study in Scarlet than the series ultimately ended up being. He’s softer, more interested in interacting with other people than the antisocial, high functioning ASD (where’s the fic that explores that?) twanging brain haver he is in the first episode of season 1

-       I want to read a take on Sherlock that discusses him as having ASD and interprets the violin playing and the mystery solving as his stimming techniques

-       The camera shots in this scene are really starting to stand out as very different from the show. It’s not just the editing which is kind of thoughtless – these shots are poorly composed and poorly planned. I don’t think it would stand out so much if the final version of the show didn’t make so many deliberate and stylized decisions regarding with the shots and editing.

The apartment

-       The extrapolation of john’s family based on the phone became much cleaner in the aired version

-       Comic sans! I mean, mrs Hudson is better than that.

-       Mrs Hudson definitely checked out john’s butt …

-       “can I just ask … what is your street?” this was very good, if repetitive

-       Sherlock needs an assistant? This sherlock has a need for human connection that the other one doesn’t – and he has a lava lamp.

-       Ugh the apartment at 221B baker st looks so much more vintage in this setup. Not a fan.

-       This sherlock definitely cares more about what other people think than the final version.

-       Mrs Hudson is a much softer, premade character in this version. I like the final version better. She seems stronger that way.

The cab ride

-       So boring. Such greenscreen. Wow.

-       not just the greenscreen. the difference in the shooting and finishing of this sequence in the pilot and the aired episode is so incredibly improved that you can hardly believe there were part of the same thing.

-       TOO MUCH SYNTH

-       Sherlock has a far too human response to john’s compliments and more doubt in how accurate his deductions are

The crime scene

-       Im glad they changed sally’s outfit, and smoothed out sherlock’s taunting of her and Anderson’s affair. Ugh I wish they’d kept sally around. This show needed more normie/casual sherlock opponents. Lack of closeups in this scene do it no favors

-       They cut the Rache/Rachel clue. And btw, I do love how this was inverted from the book presentation in the show.

-       “no, there are two women and three men lying dead, keep talking and there will be more” – this sherlock prioritizes people over mystery solving, and that’s a little more humanizing as well.

-       When he’s deconstructing the scene around the woman in pink, there’s a switch in sherlock’s voice when he’s off camera. I’m wondering if maybe that’s a stat actor reading the script for some reason, or if they recorded the dialogue and the camera angles at the same time and forgot to switch when they were editing that shot? Makes sense given how messy the editing is throughout the pilot.

-       “do you know you do that out loud?” “sorry, I’ll shut up” “No, don’t worry, it’s fine” (pleased smile) --- this exchange is so accurate to book Sherlock and Holmes

-       This is not the same sally as the first episode. I had to check because I have a little bit of face blindness and there weren’t any closeups, but it’s definitely not her. Interesting how the actress who ultimately played her changed the inflection but brought very little new to the blocking.

a bit inbetween and the pink case

-       No Mycroft, hmm. Don’t care for it. It added a lot with a really nice red herring feel.

-       John returns to his place for absolutely no reason narratively.

-       I don’t care for the red herring moment where john looks at the pink case and wonders if sally was right and talks out loud about it.

-       The end exchange of this scene is awesome and should have stayed. “Donovan said you get off on this.” “And I said danger and here you are.” “DAMNIT!” It’s very funny, and it’s a fun spar between the two rather than the ultimate resigned tolerance that series John seems to settle into by season 2.

do you have a girlfriend? a boyfriend?

-       Sherlock not eating is a brilliant touch, I think that should have been there.

-       This version of the girlfriend boyfriend conversation is far more successful than the aired version, although I prefer the setting in the aired version. It’s flirtier, and the “Everything else is transport” line carries implications I prefer to the one we saw on on the official version.

-       Sherlock knowing the cab thing ahead of time really lowers the stakes.

-       Angelo and the headless nun thing is fucking beautiful. (although angelo is a bit of an upstager) But, the change in the plot to the John running and leaving the cane behind in the final version is much more relevant to the story.

-       Ok, so the cabbie drugging Sherlock did show us that John is smart in his own right (we never got enough of that), but it showed us Sherlock fucking up in a way that is inconsistent with the show version of that character. For us to buy that Sherlock is other level super genius instead of just very smart, he can’t make this kind of mistake. If he can’t make a mistake, then John can’t prove his own intelligence. I do think it was a good idea to put the police back in his apartment now, as it gives us more interesting and fun things about those characters, and the ultimate build to the cab ride and the incorporation of modern technology really contributed to the modernizing of the adaption.

which pill

-       WHOA that cabbie did just very much threaten to molest or rape Sherlock. Although if there were no women or gay men on the script team, I can totally see the writers not realizing that this line had that connotation.

-       And this version requires a lot more explaining of plotholes with dialogue in a way that is avoided in the final verion. This is unquestionably good, because there’s nothing more graceless in filmed stories than having plot explained with words, especially by a villain.

-       Taking the pills out of the bottle looks silly.

-       Final version cabbie is better. More self-satified and mean.

-       “Either way, you’re wasted as a cabbie” is a way better line in the final.

-       Taking him out of the apartment and away from the police phone call was A+ the right choice.

-       Everyone know the best cops scream “Who is firing, who is firing?” when someone fires a shot.

i’ve got a blanket

-       Sherlock saying “Yeah, maybe he beat me, but he’s dead” is a far shot from the man who shook a dying man and demanded to know if he was right or not. Again, this Sherlock is far more human and far less computer.

-       That bit with mrs Hudson at the end was unnecessarily mean, I’m glad they cut it

-       “I’m his Doctor.” – this lines should have stayed forever.

Overall thoughts

Ok, so overall changes between the pilot and the aired first episode. Plot was a lot more polished. They scrubbed every trace of human need from Sherlock, which I think was a good choice, at least for the beginning of the show. His literal only love is his own abilities as the show airs, which leaves him with a very interesting and exploitable weakness – his arrogance, where as pilot Sherlock doesn’t seem to care all that much when he makes a mistake. We did lose a couple of scenes that had a lot of good chemistry in them, but I think the plot was much improved overall for the changes. The change of Sherlock from being casually mean to people like Anderson to swatting away an irritating fly is very successful. The focus of Sherlock’s relationship with Lestrade seems of a higher priority than Watsons a little bit, so I’m glad that changed. The lead up to John shooting the cabbie was much better in the final

Honestly the pilot doesn’t look like a pilot as much as it looks like a proof of concept piece. The budget was obviously smaller: that’s why they reused the same restaurant set, it’s why the final confrontation took place in the apartment rather than a second location, that’s why the effects are missing or budgety, that’s why the editing was low-end. This as a pilot was sold on the impact of the actors and the bones of the script, not on any of the look that would ultimately make the show what it was. The color work between the first and second version of this alone was amazing.   I also think that the hair change in Sherlock was an excellent choice. It offsets BC’s face/head structure in a way that plays into the strangeness of the character in a much better way. Similarly, the coat and scarf that he wears in the series do exist in the pilot, but aren’t really a signature of Sherlock’s on-screen shape design in the same way.

I think the only thing I would’ve kept is the inflection, delivery & read on the girlfriend boyfriend scene, and the return of the “I said danger and here you are” exchange.

There’s a lot of talk about Sherlock’s sexuality and what was cannon in the books. TV Sherlock they seem to be confused about (Belgravia as an episode left me really confused about what statement the writers were trying to make there, which implies that they’re either not completely sure either, or they’re too straight to understand what they’re doing). In the books, Holmes chooses not to have romantic relationship because it stops his brain from working clearly – it’s a deliberate choice based on the Victorian concept of sex (and women, because they are clearly only sex objects) diminishing the capacity for clear thought and mental performance. This is not the same as him being asexual or aromantic as we not aro/ace people understand the concept in 2019.

Based on the scene as it airs, the girlfriend/boyfriend scene would leave me with the opinion that Sherlock is not just asexual but also aromantic. Possibly one of these by choice rather than nature. Based as how the scene plays out in the unaired pilot, I would think that Sherlock is celibate and also attracted to John, more likely gay than bisexual. (There was quite a bit of smoldering going on in the Sherlock to John direction.)