#and i cant go to sleep now that i dont know when theyll make it home

[kinglypup]

i was about to go to bed and my roommate called me in a panic because they fucked up their car 😟

[mejomonster]

Realized im now afraid of dating

[dfortrafalgar]

I'm Losing You

Having a family isn't always as easy as fairy tales make it seem.

I'm going to say this on every chapter i post here LOL, but GO TO CHAPTER 1 AND READ!!!!! MY!!!!!!! WARNINGS!!!!!!!!!!!

Chapter 3

[Prev] [Next]

You loved your office, you really did.  Two of your coworkers were your best friends from high school, the work-life balance was ideal, your bosses were super understanding and encouraging of all their employees endeavors, and the weekly catered lunches truly felt like a luxury.

The only qualm was the noise.

The office had an open layout, and while everyone had their own desk, it was very easy to move around the space and talk to everyone while on and off the job.  This meant any personal phone calls had to be taken out of the entire vicinity.  And in your case, into an unlocked broom closet across the industrial building’s hallway, in front of another agency’s door.

You were sitting on a plastic box containing something you weren’t sure of, anxiously bouncing your feet as your heart hammered in your chest.  Each time the ringback tone exited your speakers caused another cold wave of anxiety to flood from your head to the soles of your feet.  You swallowed a thick glob of spit as you struggled to maintain your breathing.  You were sure your blouse was going to have armpit stains when you returned to your desk.

Finally, a voice picked up the other line.

[Thank you for calling Grand Line Gynecology and Obstetrics, how can I help you today?]

The sweet, welcoming voice of the receptionist on the other end of the line made you breathe a sigh of relief, though you weren’t out of the woods just yet.  Far from it.  “Hi, uhm, I’m a patient with Dr. Robin, and I was wondering if I would be able to get an appointment as soon as possible.”

A few keyboard clicking noises followed your request.

[Can I have your name and date of birth?]

You quietly relayed your information, biting your lip impatiently.  More typing sounds could be heard.

[Alright, Mrs. Trafalgar, and do you mind if I ask the purpose of your visit?]

You knew it was important information for your doctor to know prior to seeing you, but the thought still made a heavy pit develop in your stomach.  “Uhm… f-fertility consultation…?  I guess.”

More clicking.

[Of course, I’m looking up Dr. Robin’s availability right now, hold on just a moment, please!]

You’ve dealt with crappy phone receptionists in the past, but whoever was usually on the receiving end of your calls to your gynecologist was always so pleasant.  You could never quite recognise her voice in person, but her bubbly and patient speech was always greatly appreciated during your otherwise anxious phone calls.  Finally, she came back onto the line.

[Dr. Robin’s next available appointment isn’t for three months, unfortunately, but I can still fit you into that time slot if you would like!  I can also write your name down, so if any appointments open up sooner, we will give you a call.]

You breathed another sigh of relief.  “That would be amazing, thank you.”

[Alright, Mrs. Trafalgar, I have you marked down for Thursday, May 1st at 10:00 AM.  We’ll give you a call if anything changes and you can always call us if you develop other concerns, okay?]

You smiled at the broom closet floor.  “I appreciate it, thank you very much.”  The phone clicked off after trading goodbyes, your arm falling onto your lap.  You hadn’t realized how tight you were gripping your phone until then, your hand trembling with how harsh your hold was on the device.  With a sigh, you opened your text conversation with Law.

Hi baby, I just called the obgyn, they cant fit me in until may 1st but she said if anything opens up theyll call me back.  Fingers crossed something opens up sooner, hopefully you dont have to wait as long!  I’ll see you later, i love youuuuu ^3^

You put your phone to sleep and stuffed it into the pocket of your trousers as you finally exited the broom closet.  An employee of the agency across from yours was entering his office and tossed you a very confused glance at you leaving the innocuous room, but you paid him no mind as you walked back into your office to continue your work.

“There you are, I was wondering where you went!”  Ikkaku was waiting for you at your desk with her work laptop in hand.  “I wanted to go over a few designs with you, but when I went to find you, you were just, POOF!  Gone like the wind!”

You laughed at her excited talking, finally sitting at your desk again and grabbing an unoccupied chair for your friend to sit in.  “Sorry to make you wait, I had to take a phone call.”

Ikkaku brushed off having to wait with a cheery, “It’s fine!  No biggie!” before opening her laptop and inputting her passcode.  You felt your phone buzz in your pocket.  While Ikkaku was opening her files, you slipped out your device and tapped the screen.

Baby~~<3

Hopefully something opens up, but it’s good that you at least got an appointment.  I got my appointment with urology on my lunch break today.  We’re making steps.  I love you, see you later.

You smiled at the text.

“Why does Law need to see a urologist?” Ikkaku whispered beside you, making you jump and hide your screen.  She was looking at you with curiosity in her big, brown eyes.

“It’s nothing, really.”  You quickly shoved your phone back into your pocket.  Ikkaku was your best friend, she really was, but the last thing you wanted to do was bring up your potential infertility issues while on the clock, and especially while your anxieties were still fresh and raw at the forefront of your brain.

Ikkaku must have sensed your profound fear, as she shrugged and turned her attention back to her laptop.  “So here’s what I was drafting…”

—

While you had to wait around three months for your appointment, Law’s was scheduled shockingly quick.  Almost too quick for his liking.  The following week.  Which, to Law’s mutual discomfort and relief, came much quicker than he thought it would.  

He was thanking the heavens above that he had the day off for once.

Law followed all the rules to a T before the appointment.  No ejaculation 2-3 days prior, but no longer than 5.  He’d jerk off into a sterile cup in the clinic, hand that to the doctor, and wait a few hours.  While waiting, he’d get his hormone blood work collected.  Easy as pie.  He walked into the clinic feeling oddly confident in himself and his abilities to follow pre-procedure protocol, as a doctor himself.  The brief moment of cocky joy was interrupted as soon as the fertility doctor entered the examination room Law was sitting in.

“Alriiiight!  Mr. Trafalgar Law!”  The doctor was shouting his name before even closing the door, making the black-haired man cringe.  The nametag on the open laboratory-style coat he wore read ‘Dr. Franky.’  Next to the name tag was a little enamel pin of a robot.  The door was closed with a moderate slam.  “You’re that cardiologist from New World Hospital, right?  You’re crazy popular, so cool to see you in the clinic!  So we’re here to check on your little swimmers, huh?”  Dr. Franky, who was shockingly tall and very broad in the shoulders, plopped into his seat and placed his laptop on the counter in front of him.  

The force of him sitting on the stool caused the pneumatic tube to compress forcefully downwards.  Law had a mental image in his head of the tube exploding and propelling the spring upward into the doctor’s ass.  He barely even registered the fact that his reputation as the city’s leading cardiothoracic surgeon seemed to have followed him to his semen analysis appointment.  He shook his head quickly before nodding.  “Uh, yeah, semen analysis.”

Dr. Franky was rapidly typing in whatever patient portal he was using.  “Semen analysis is such an uppity thing to call it, I personally like calling it the Super Swimming Meet!”  He laughed, the voice echoing around the small room and making Law wince.  He finally finished typing, slamming his laptop closed.  It was then Law noticed a few pieces of scotch tape holding the laptop’s hinges together.  (What kind of clinic is this?)  Franky’s booming voice interrupted Law’s thoughts.  “All you have to do is wank off into this cup here.  Cap it tightly and bring it to the nurse’s station when you’re done and it’ll get sent off into the lab!”

Law carefully took the cup from the doctor, his face heating up in embarrassment.  “Uhm… thank you.”

“Is there anything else I can help you with before I leave you to it?”

Law wanted to ask if there was a different room he should be doing this in, or if handing the cup to a random nurse was proper protocol, but he honestly wanted nothing more than to get out of there as quickly as possible.  He was starting to regret his colleagues at the hospital giving him clinic recommendations.  “Uhh… no thank you, I think that’s everything.”

“Alright, Mr. Trafalgar, I’ll let you get to it!”  Dr. Franky left fairly quickly, much to Law’s relief.  His ears were still ringing with the volume of the doctor’s voice.

Law was now left alone, sitting in the uncomfortable plastic chair, holding the empty sterile plastic cup.  After that interaction, the last thing he was thinking of doing was masturbating, but he needed to get it over with.  For your sake, and his.

He awkwardly stood and undid his belt, letting his pants and boxers fall to the floor before placing a few napkins onto the plastic chair and sitting back down.  He shivered at the cold feeling of the napkin-covered chair against his bare ass.  This was the least erotic situation he could’ve ever experienced.  He figured it would be far from the norm, but this was beyond any expectation he could’ve developed.  He shivered.

Grabbing the cup again, Law unscrewed the cap just enough so that he’d be able to pop it open as soon as he needed to.  When he stared at his flaccid dick, however, he uttered a defeated sigh.

‘Think of something to get you hard, man, think of your wife,’ he told himself.  Even his inner voice was desperate.

The sterile doctor’s office was completely inhibiting any thoughts of you to remain permanent in his head.  Every time he tried to think of your smell, your taste, the feeling of your bare flesh against his fingers, he would inhale and take in the bland stench of sterile alcohol and plastic.  He groaned.

Reaching into his pants pocket on the floor, he procured his phone.  Opening an incognito window on his web browser, he inwardly apologized to you (and double checked that the door was locked) before opening up a porn website for the first time since he was an undergrad in college.

—

Law came home a few hours after you.  You were standing at the stove setting the oven preheat temperature, a loaf pan of uncooked banana bread sitting on the stove top waiting to bake.  You turned to ask how his appointments went, but kept your mouth shut when you saw Law kick his shoes off and sit at the bar counter in your kitchen, placing his head in his hands.

“What happened?” you hurried over to him, immediately growing anxious that he had received bad news.  Your stomach turned.

He lifted his head.  “I… I had to watch porn today.”

[skiniibuniii]

ed holiday survival guide

what to bring:

all of this should fit, with extra space, in a large purse. a backpack also works if you need more space.

3 cans of diet soda, 2 of your usual and 1 special one you dont normally buy. if youre sleeping over, take 3-4 of your usual. save the special one for dinner to help you avoid eating.

2 bottles of your favorite water, 3 if youre sleeping over.

of course, a low cal snack like a granola bar in case you feel like youre going to faint. you dont wanna pass out in front of all those people and family members you barely know! bring 2-3 if youre sleeping over or get faint easily.

a few cans of of your favorite energy drink, however many you need to seem alive and well. im taking 4. if you dont like energy drinks, you better hope they have a Keurig or you can get to a starbucks.

napkins or paper towels and a plastic bag. if you can get away with having your purse at the table, line a pocket with a plastic bag. then use your napkin to dispose of your unwanted food into the bag. this can also work with a hoodie pocket, but its riskier. at the end of the dinner, zip up the bag and now it wont get you all gross while you wait for a chance to throw it away.

obvy your phone to sneak under the table and post updates on tumblr.

dont bring any money or cards, unless you need your ID or to buy starbucks or something. in that case, bring only your ID and the exact amount you need for your starbucks.

tips:

dont purge. theyll probably hear you. just avoid eating, and if you really need to, have a metab day beforehand so you do not eat/binge. you dont know what kind of calories are in all that food

choose the lowest cal option available, obvy. your best bet is salad or plain vegetables. if those arent an option, go for turkey, as long as it isnt sitting in a pool of liquid. if that isnt an option, just eat cranberry sauce. fr.

make sure you get a tiny portion of whatever youre eating. like, the total food on your plate should be no bigger than the size of your fist, just in case your lose control and start actually eating. you dont want to ask for more! ew.

make sure you do the classic of chewing constantly. take tiny bites and just do not stop chewing.

popping in a secret piece of gum can help with the last tip a lot esp if its mint. cuz then the food will taste weird if you do decide to eat.

unless its something like salad or cranberry sauce from a can, account for at least 2tbsp of butter when youre calculating your cals.

if you cant estimate the calories in a way you find satisfying, ask for the recipe. calculate the calories, and if you had guessed under initially, make sure you add that same amount of cals to everything else you have to calculate. its probably the sneaky butter messing you up anyway.

best outfit: shirt that shows off your body, an oversized hoodie, and slightly baggy pants. do not wear the hoodie at all till just before dinnertime, then put it on to cover up any bloating. that or just wear it the whole time and do not take it off at all.

wear tall shoes! i am very lucky to have platform boots, and i will be wearing them. they'll make you taller, obvy, so even if youre a bigger ana (like me), youll look lankier and more "proportional"

act like youre wiping your mouth, but really youre doin chew and spit into a napkin, ofc! BUT carbs begin digestion in your mouth, meaning you will consume calories if you chew and spit carbs. AVOID ALL CARBS!!

will update if i think of more tips <3

[cowboy-robooty]

no guys see robooty itager is the slowest burn fucking imaginable. because i think that 1) italy would have to initiate them dating since germany thinks hes rejected forever after buon san valentino (my boy loves one sided crush) and 2) if they dont slow burn theyll crash and explode. because i think italy takes forever to realize he genuinely really fucking love germany and ONLY loves him and is willing to be loyal 'n treat him well to have him. Since i think italy isnt the type to really love ever since his kindergarten crush so he takes forever to recognize what he feels is genuine love (plus his love is born from a sense of entitlement but thats a whole 'nother enchilada). but yeah and because they take forever and are fully developed in their feelings when they date things are happy happy sunshine swag peace and love ❤️ they do stupid shit as bros the only difference now is they make out sometimes and japan cries himself to sleep everyday ^_^

but in a world where somehow they started dating BEFORE italy completely sorts out his feelings then OHHHH MY GOD. HELLWORLD. LITERAL HELLWORLD. because italy would totally cheat on germany and germanys heart would have youtube poop glass shattering effect explosion and italy would be #unloyal and #mean #scumgong and he would break up with germany for being so clingy and upset about him breaking his heart everyday or germany would break up with italy because everyone in his entire life (2 people: japan and prussia) is telling him that he needs to because italys making him chew glass (they take like 6 years to convince him and have to resort to saying its for italys own good if he breaks up with him). and then when they break up germany would hashtag die and explode because he obviously still loves italy but hes held back by prussia to not come back to him and tries to satiate his autistic brain by thinking "he was mean to me and told me to leave. im sorry ill leave now sorry for bothering you" and he also doesnt feel close to anybody except italy and has to go "brother....... i am.... not feeling good right now........" and cant say much else bc WE SAW IN THE ANIME GERMANY WANTED TO VENT ABT ITALY AND REALIZED HE HAS NOBODY BC HE ONLY IS CLOSE ENOUGH IN THAT WAY TO ITALY. and then cut to italy and hes partying it up because hes pissed off at germany for being on his ass hardcore every single day for the past god knows how long (hate my wife syndrome) until a while later the partying slows down and he has a bunch of moments where he thinks "well usually right now germany would do [thing]" and that builds up until he is hit with the full realization that germany is not going to stay by his side anymore. because hes run away now and hes never ever coming back. and that realization is like the evil version of italy realizing that he loves germany and wants him to ALWAYS be by his side; so much so that hes willing to do what it takes and compromise and be loyal n shit to make that happen. and now italy is freaking out because he doesnt feel this urge ever and now hes already fumbled the dude hes fr in gays with. but this realization is evil because its under a sense of panic and shit so its also motivated by italy feeling a sense of entitlement to having germany by his side and like HES SUPPOSED TO BE HERE.

and from there italy would get back together with germany either easily bc he would just ask and say sorry and germany would go "well to be fair I should have been better as well. yes we should try again i want to too, i will try my best to not fail you this time." or it would be hard because germany would have his mind made up (with prussias support and urging and shit) to be like no italy we arent good for eachother and i cant (shouldnt) forgive you for doing those things to me and italy would be like Oh. and chew glass and freak the fuck out until he decides hes going to use #emotional manipulation and sob to everyone about how germany wont take him back and make everyone hate on germany and call him a terrible guy n shit to make germany feel so guilty and think hes an awful person to italy that he takes italy back. but even then their relationship is now fucked up forever because they live in perfect symbiosis thats their entire thing but now they dont because germany now has doubt of italy because of how he went into their relationship before and didnt give a fuck and italy unlocked his evil paranoia because now when he gets scared that germany will leave him he cant be comforted by thinking that would never happen because IT DID. HE WAS SEPERATED FROM HIM IT IS POSSIBLE TO MAKE GERMANY RUN AWAY. and because of that italy gets a lot more freaky about not wanting anyone to like germany so germany wont like them more than him and being emotionally manipulative and possessive and yandere shit because his paranoia is driving him to it. itager is great because it has so much potential to be evil like italy could emotionally manipulate germany so hard and all that shit but it would never happen because germany is so loyal and obsessed with italy that he never makes italy feel paranoid and like he has to. theyre like imagine if someone who has potential yandere gene in them dated a person who loved them more than anything in the entire universe and bends to their every will and never even glances at another person. that yandere gene is never getting activated bruh and at most manifests when italys like WAHHHH GERMANY YOU WONT LIKE RUSSIA MORE THAN ME RIGHT?? WHY DONT I HAVE THE MOST GERMAN TOURISTS IN THE WORLD WTF IS THERE SOMETHING ABOUT ME I NEED TO CHANGE????? but in the world where they rush things they break up and it disrupts all this homeostasis and makes them a little evil afterwards because italy has excessive paranoia that cant be quenched and germany has autism doubt because "he betrayed me once...... so hell probably betray me again *cries*"

[musubiki]

btw idk if someone already asked this but do they say ily right away??? do they hook hook up right away??? i need the deets

YOU KNOW THIS IS SOMETHING I SHOULD HAVE SOLID ALREADY BUT I DONT YET!!!!! i DO know that lime definitely wouldnt let a large amount of time pass between when they hook up and when he tells her hes in love with her (in either order it happens on the same night. now way hes gonna be regularly sleeping with her and still be like "but what if she doesnt like me...")

at least the version in my head i have right now, they dont get together until the post-game (after the main storyline)!! after the witch king is defeated and everything is FINALLY, for the first time since mochi became a witch, quiet and normal. (im putting the rest under a read more bc its a bit long, its just me rambling about what happens) ->

i think he would tell her during the little dinner celebration they have after the witch king is defeated. everyone is there, the witches and their guilds and sulluvan and even the merchant takes a night off to party with them (strange). mochi is outside with pom, pom probably scolding her again on "this is the way you shouldve handled the fight so all that bad stuff wouldnt have happened. you shouldve been more resourceful as a witch blah blah blah--" and lime has to come rescue mochi from poms scoldings. grabs the cat by the neck and gives her to coco (coco likes snuggling pom against her will. shes the friend that grabs cats and forces them into hugs while the cat struggles and meows)

so he stays out there with her for a bit (alone 👀), chatting about nothing. eventually he asks "So now what?" since they always had something going on. and mochi says "Now...we can finally just. rest. run the shop and help people where we can. normal witch stuff." and starts rambling about how theyll still do commissions and fun adventures and travel around and stuff but for the most part, everything will be normal and theres nothing they cant handle anymore. and after shes finally done talking lime just goes "...will you go out with me?"

(the woman was too stunned to speak meme). its a mix of emotions cuz theres a 5% chance hes joking but the look on his face is so serious. and its also not a total surprise given their very blurred line relationship but it still stuns her to hear him say it.

and in VERY tcwg fashion, of course somehow gets interrupted before she can answer him. coco or sulluvan or SOMEONE starts yelling from the house "HEY THE CATERING GUY IS HERE AND NEEDS MOCHIS SIGNATURE AND OSCARS ALREADY TRYING TO EAT YOU NEED TO HANDLE THIS ASAP!!!" and lime is ready to kill somebody. the rest of the night mochi cant get a second alone with him and every time they make eye contact across the table they both get flustered.

the next day lime probably had to report in or something and mochis groaning to coco about "Noooo i didnt even get to respond what if he hates me!!!" and lime stressing over "Was I too forward...? No way right..??" (hes not overly stressed. at that point hes decided to just be dedicated to being unapologetically in love with her. he has a PRETTY good idea that shed say yeah but in the off chance shes like "nooo" then he decided to love her anyway and just be there for her)

so as soon as he comes home mochi is like "Hey!! Lime!! so uh!! I just remembered I need to go hunting for ingredients in (insert remote getaway she has access to)!! I was wondering if you wanna!! Come with me!!" the whole time red-faced and fidgeting with her braid. lime, bag in hand goes "I'm ready. Lets go now." (pom is like "mmm adventures yum" and mochis like "ahah....just lime." and forces her to stay there)

when they get there (via mochis magic doorway portals), and lime sets his stuff down, and mochi is there stammering and red in the face trying to get her words out, mumbling like "Lime! Uh! About yesterday!! I wanted to!! Um!! Well!! I wanna--//"

and before she can even get proper words out, he grabs her by her waist, pushes her against the counter and kisses her. its one of those deep, passionate, hands-all-over-her kisses. and when he breaks away from her, he nuzzles her hair and presses his forehead to hers and tells her he loves her. he tells her EVERYTHING. how he thinks about her day and night, he misses her when he has to leave, he loves her laugh and her smile and the softness of her touch and the feeling of her warmth on him, and he loves the tone of her voice and the way she cares and does little things for him, and every time he looks at her it makes his whole day. and he tells her how just knowing her has made him a better person and he wouldnt be anything without her. and how hed love her no matter what or no matter how long or no matter if this is something she wants or not, hed love her anyway.

he gives her little kisses between each thing he tells her, and by the end of it shes crying (getting back to the thing i was talking about a few asks ago). she hugs him tightly around his neck with her tears dripping on his uniform and tells him shes loved him her whole life and was always terrified to tell him because she didnt want him to leave and she knows how he generally was with other girls who have crushes on him. as soon as lime hears the "I've loved you my whole life" thing though, his response is "WHAT?! THAT LONG?! WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SOMETHING?!!" and feels a tinge of being pissed off that he couldve had her this WHOLE TIME, to which she responds "I WAS SCARED!!"

and he smirks at her and says "God, you really are literally a scaredy-cat." and shes still crying lowkey so just leans forward into his chest and muffles out a "Shut up you jerk." and he just stares at her for a bit, stroking her hair and planting little kisses on her head, and asks "...do you really love me?" because hes still in disbelief and this doesnt feel real, to which she reminds him that she (as a witch) will always always always love him and never stop loving him for the rest of her life.

so lime kisses her again. and again., and starts escalating it because god knows now that he has the green light there is NOTHING stopping him from having her. probably lifts her up and carries her into the bedroom to have his way with her

(funny tidbit though-- they were originally gonna stay there for like a week because lime wants her all to himself for a while to get all the s*xual frustration out of his system. he thought once he finally gets to be with her then he would have a better grip on how much he wants her, but in fact it makes it worse. so they end up staying there for like 2-3 weeks and even then they had to be forced to come back because oscar was tired of running the shop by himself and they were fucking up the business)

[gamerbearmira]

Angst!!!!

Warning: swearing

Mirabel helped herself to an arepa. She was currently ten. She was tired. She looked to the clock kn the wall as the tick drew her attention. "Midnight!?" She thought and quixklt made a milk bottle. She went upstairs inti the nursery to see w very grumpy baby boy. He cooed seeing her. "Hola tonito" she whispered picking him up and feeding him the milk. Neither were aware as the door opened slightly and someone or some people entered. "Tonito your sj small" she smiled tiredly. "Tia won't be happy if she sees me here though and she gets up soon, please go to sleep I dknt want to be yelled at. One by tia for being annoying and bad, two by abuela for bejng up this laye then everyone else fir the same reason, they all hate me so theyll find a reason, youll be the same when you get your gift though, i cant get attached" she smiled as antonio laughed. "Alright, sleep time now" she put him down and crouched stroking his head through the bars. He was dozing off to sleep when mirabel heard a slight tap on the floorboards..... rain. She ignored it. "Night tonito" the baby fell asleep. Mirabel turned around tk see no one there? Casjta must've opener her door. She looked out to see the doors slightly open. She went out and closed jt behind her, she went to her tias room and looked inside. They weren't in bed!? She looked over the banister tk see them all downstairs. "Does she realy think that?" Her tio felix's voice asked. She was hidden in the darkness. Mirsbel waw dressed in her day clothes. "She's useless. We dont love her we jsut tolerate her, she's stupid" Alma was cut off by a sniffle. They turned to see mirabel, "wow.....now that's harsh" "mira-" julieta was cut off by the girl going upstairs. "She'll calm down by tommorow, now go to bed" they did. Little did they know they wouldn't se ever tommorow.

Mirabel got pen and paper and started to write.

Dear familia, I'm leaving casita and the encanto, antonio js coming with me. He isn't staying in a toxic environment like this, you all tolerate me and I don't wanna be a burden so goodbye

The gift less one

She placed it in the crib and took antonio, she packed a bag with all sorts if usefull stuff and some embriodery, she could make blankets! She got a ruana and put antonio in it to carry him. She climbed out the window and ran, she ran to the outskirts and out the town she wasn't seen the next day.

Thr family woke uo late. "I'll feed antonio" pepa went into the nursery then thunder cracked. Rhe family entered. "Find mirabel" she turned to the family "NOW!" rhey ran out trying to find her but she seemed to dissapear! She was gone and anronio qas to. Little did they know in ten years they'd get a visit

Gah dayum 💀💀 went from 0 to 100 real quick. But like. Why they gotta talk bad about her behind her back like that. And why didn’t the cool couple defend her???? Tf???? Shiiiii not surprised she took Antonio and dipped.

[goremet-chef]

vent

my mom being so utterly confused about what could have me down recently makes me so fucking mad. she didnt tell me so i guess as far as she knows, i dont know. but i do, so

it makes me mad how little it seems to matter to everyone else. it feels like my home is dead. theyre all dead, all 3 of them. everything from the past is gone, everything from before i moved to this hellhole is fucking gone. i cant believe she only lived a year longer than riley i cant fucking believe it

i was so sure she'd be around for longer and

its even worse cuz when riley died, her behavior changed. she wouldnt ever leave my grandmas room except to go get food and bathroom. she would just sleep where riley used to sleep on the bed, instead of her spot. it makes me so fucking depressed knowing she probably missed him, and recently she wasnt doing that. she was moving more, hanging out in the living room, she moved back to her spot like. she was feeling BETTER

and now shes gone and ill never see her again and it means NOTHING to anyone besides me and my grandma. they know why im down and yet theyll still ask why im irritable, why im quiet, etc

dont make me fucking explain myself! insult to injury. do you wanna hear "artemis is dead" every time? cuz i sure dont

how am i ever gonna go back to my grandmas house? everything will be a reminder, like it was with riley. if she gets rid of the cat things, their absence will be a reminder too. theyve been there forever

we have so many pets, it fucking terrifies me wondering who will be next. i cant take anymore man

[videostak]

ya theyre leaving at like 10 rn i am not going to that 6am swap meet. fuck my life ugh... like obv gonna be waken in the middle of the night when they get back ._. srsly can they be considerate of my life for fucking once. like knowing that i do this for work and is my only source of money and then to do something like that on a total whim and try to downplay how it will affect my sleep and morning tomorrow is srlsy making me so pissed.. like the amount of effort i and to an extent my sister will go to to be considerate of others just to have her do shit like this is so infuriating. like literally my job for a record store that needs inventory desperately and i cant fucking go cause of my asshole inconsiderate mom. reaaaaallly great. i mean best case scenario i can drive up to the estate sale tahts supposed to be at 8. id have to leave at liiiike idk 6:30. so probably not that too. should try to go to the other 8:00 swap meet too or the yard sale but starting to feel real uncomfortable abt going to the swap meet cause of all the stuff around that. so annoying for me to plan all this out just for her to shit all over it cause she wants an excuse to get drunk and trauma dump to her cousin and make to put her cousin in a super awkward weird position. sucha  genuinely awful person ugh.... i mean idk i should goo tomorrow but like really dont kno if ill be able to get up in time. idk i think ill still push rly hard ill try to get a coffee tomorrow at mcdonalds and stuf but like idk just so fucking annoyed rn like dude this is literally my job right now that A LOT of things are riding on have some fucking respect and learn when ur making things much more difficult for ppl. what annoys me so much is when i told her that i wouldnt be able to go tomorrow if she went out as late as shes planning to she just tried to go supportingly “ok we’re gonna go at 10 and tomorrow u can go wherever u want and dont worry about it :)” while just ignoring what i said. lol. something abt idk if all parents are like this or if most are but like that level of being so in denial abt everything that u just respond to any attempt at talking things out with this very fake positivity vibe is so awful. like she does it so much whenever something comes up thats a problem and its so annoying. she did it thursday too when i wasnt sure if i was gonna be able to go cause of my dads dog and she ignored what we said and cut us off and went dont worry ill handle it all :) even tho it was like not even clear what she would be “handling” cause she just wanted to get us to stop talking abt it.  like not even aware of how my dad lets the dog in without warning and how the cats and the dog need to be watched cause he’ll start playing rough. like idk what to even do when ppl genuinely just do not listen to anything u tell them at all. theres no reason for me to tell her something before hand cause she’ll just do whatever the fuck she originally intended to and then try to “discuss” it or apologize after even if youve already had a what u thought was productive conversation days before abt it. like on the first weekend i drove to the swap meet i had told her before i was gonna let the dogs in the back right i went to let her kno beforehand and she agreed there was no argument no even hint at there being a disagreement so i thought things were good and then when i actually was gonna leave she was like no dont let them out theyll bark its too early and i had to get my sister to get her to agree to let them out. like srlsy sooo annoying same thing happens A LOT when having to schedule things shell be in complete agreeance and then when the time comes to do smthn she will like bring up something out of nowhere that she def knew b4 hand  but was just waiting to bring up last second. like she’ll say we should schedule smthn for the vet on a day and then reveal that the vets actually closed that day when that day actually comes etc. or will lie and say it is. like i need to take the cats to the vet soon cause cassettes worms are still present and dendy needs to get neutered and she said she’d call monday even tho its smthn shes already been lagging on for a long time so im just like waiting to see what excuse she’ll bring up then or if she actually does intend to call. like she could bring up an excuse or just spend the whole day in her room and ignore it when i bring it up. ughhh well i will try to go tomorrow i think. i mean im gonna shave and shower just incase i do. i dont think ill wear shorts tho not rly feeling it atm since i could be nervous if i do go to the yard sale. but willl rly have to see

[harrypotterhogwartshitpost]

My favorite Beach Bunny lyrics

Ranked from most to least chaotic

(now including Emotional Creature)

---

YOURE ACTING LIKE YOUR DEADBEAT DAD!

IM PISSED OFF N̳O̳ ̳I̳M̳ ̳E̳N̳R̳A̳G̳E̳D̳

CAUSE IM TIRED OF GUESSING ON A BLURRED PHOTO- ARE YOU HANGING OUT WITH SOMONE ł ĐØ₦₮ ₭₦Ø₩

Sometimes I just wanna **̷A̷̷A̷̷H̷̷H̷̷H̷̷H̷̷H̷̷H̷**

WHEN WE'RE ALL ALONE IN YOUR BEDROOM, YOU CAME LIKE A REOCCURING DREAM

Maybe you would know by now IM THE GREATEST THING YOU COULD HAVE

THINK OF ME! ME! ME! 

you got in my pants then left my ass and made me cry

IM SORRY, IM TRYING. I HATE IT WHEN YOU CATCH ME CRYING

DO I LOOK LIKE HER? DOES SHE TALK LIKE ME!?

CAUSE HE WOULDNT HURT ME

CRY! CRY! CRY!

IF YOU WANT TO- KNOW ME- START BY TRYNA SHOW ME- THAT YOURE- WORTHY BABY- PROOVE THAT YOU CAN EARN ME!

you put a knife through me 𐌄𐌌Ꝋ𐌕𐌉Ꝋ𐌍𐌀𐌋𐌋𐌙

🅽🅾🆃 🆈🅾🆄🆁 🅿🆁🅾🅱🅻🅴🅼 🅽🅾🆃 🅼🆈 🅿🆁🅾🅱🅻🅴🅼

Every moment I fall to pieces. Every moment I fall a paAaAart 

BUT IF YOU WANT ME WHY CANT WE STILL BE TOGETHER? YOU'VE GOT PROBLEMS BUT I PROMISE THEYLL GET BETTER!

WAIT FOR THE PITFALL, HIT MY FACE ON A BRICK WALL

WHAT ARE YOU UP TOO, HAVE YOU CHANGED YOUR NUMBER! IVE BEEN TRYING TO CALL YOU, SINCE APRIL AND NOW ITS OCTOBER

IM NOT YOUR ᵖᵒˡˡʸ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗ IN YOUR LOVERS LOCKET

oh, but i love falling apart. i love falling apart.

cause im some ᴮᴼᴼᴰᴰʸʸ'ˢˢ ᴰᴼᴼᴸᴸᴸᴸʸʸ

ʸᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵘᵘᵘᵘᵘᵘ'ᵛᵉ been such a jerk

can we go back to c͓̽a͓̽l͓̽i͓̽F͓̽O͓̽R͓̽N͓̽I͓̽A͓̽

MAYBE LOVE IS OVERᴿᴬᵀᴱᴰ

IVE BEEN REPLAYING THE SAME SONG FOR SIX Wᴱᴱᴷˢ TRYING TO FIND A PIECE OF YOUR HEARTBEAT. 

And I wonder, where's my, happy ever after

BOYS WILL BE BOYS BUT YOURE NOT LIKE THE Oᵀᴴᴱᴿ ONES

you know, you're better than that. but you can't respond when you react

Cause I know you miss me, and I'm always on your miiiiiiind

Mostly I'm okay with, having a few bad days. lᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒcked in my bedroom with my- hᵉᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃᵃᵃᵃᵃrt out on display

Most nights I hardly know myself. Sometimes I feel like someone else. 

cause i'm stressed depressed can't seem to find no closure

to feel accepted, people are bᵤᵤᵤᵤᵤᵢᵢᵢᵢᵢₗₗₗₗₗₜₜₜₜ for- acting like there's noth-ing wrong.

running away through the rain makes your socks wet

INSIDE THE SLEEVEOFAGREEN WIND BREAKER

if we keep score, bet my money that i'm losing

you always seem closer, in the rearview

need someone that isn't an equation 

I miss being certain, certainly I miss.

all of your apologies are only empty calories

I miss your mom

𝒂𝒅𝒐𝒍𝒆𝒔𝒄𝒆𝒏𝒕𝒔 𝒊𝒔 𝒂 𝒎𝒊𝒅-𝒒𝒖𝒂𝒓𝒕𝒆𝒓 𝒍𝒊𝒇𝒆 𝒄𝒓𝒊𝒔𝒊𝒔

If you're gonna love me make sure that you do it right, I'll be under your window in the moonlight. 

the faster I run from the problem, the harder I fall.

teach me how to be ok. I dont wanna dₒₒₒₒₒᵥᵥᵥᵥᵥᵥᵥᵥₙₙₙₙ play my emotions

Why does my face turn rᵉᴱᵉᴱᵉᴱᵉd, when you look at me? 

you're just so confused

tired of tripping on my shoes.

my body's always aching

pressure pulsing, got to stick to routine normalcy

gushing eyes she replies 'you feel like summer'

I-love-your-voice-but-hate-the-way you talk of her consistently 

haven't done much sleeping cause lately i've been dreaming you'd break, my heart.

thirty days since you left me, and it's hard to see your point of view. 

who, am, I? Sometimes I get a little par-a-noid trying to figure it out. 

the problem is you think, youre only viable for love, when someone makes you feel complete

and i'm tired, of the world, perceiving me

An apology anthology 

humanize your equation

symptoms got me thinking that i'm, catching feelings

teach me how to be okay, i don't want to downplay my emotions. 

you win me like a trophy not a consolation prize

i know that sunburn goes away. the broken words i last heard still linger

even the moon cant maintain the same phase

𝒾 𝒶𝓁𝓌𝒶𝓎𝓈 𝓌𝒾𝓃𝒹 𝓊𝓅 𝒾𝓃 𝓈𝑒𝒸𝑜𝓃𝒹 𝓅𝓁𝒶𝒸𝑒

rose colored lenses eventually crack

and i learn all the words to your daydreams, like i'm trying to sing karaoke

you're not sure, if gods real, but yet you say a prayer. hoping he still cares

[fraener]

8/6/2024

first time in a long time that i feel like my heart is getting torn in two and so big itll burst at the same time. im so overcome by melancholy i can hardly breathe. moving more things in slowly to my new place, staying what may very well be the last night i ever sleep at my old place tonight. having my heart pushed by sam, slight and hopeful. i remembered this morning while perching on the windowsill that truly the thing that made this apartment special was i was never lonely. i am so, so lonely these days. im frightened ill get even lonelier. the light in the night from the stars and clouds is so bright at my new place, everything cast in a strange purplish glow. it felt good to be back, dear god. like everything is moving again after being stationary for so long. i feel like crying, i think i just might. i got the job at the ceramic studio, my schedule is so overloaded im not sure how to juggle it all. susan would be proud and mad at the same time, i think. theyll tell me i need to stop running i think. i dont know how to live a life not at full speed anymore, like im running down a hill forever these days. i am so incredibly indescribably crushingly lonely. how did i ever get by feeling this lonely i think its actually killing me. i want a reason not to work so much. i want a reason to look up from what im doing at my life. i want a reason for someone to come and peer into me like the mouth of a jar. i miss g sometimes, it feels like a strange dream now that we ever did what we did. everything feels like something im saying in a book whenever i describe the events of my life to myself to examine.

when is life not fiction? fiction makes things tenable. flashes of things like opening a box full of glistening copper cookware and spinning black wool barefoot in the yard while watching the poppy seedheads sway in the breeze and listening to c play accordion. the stunned pause i hear on the phone when i invite s into my bed, the flattened view of the white water tower on the east hill against the greying sky from my windowsill. blackberries and pale apples so wan theyre almost white. indigo staining my fingertips and nails, indigo tied around my neck and growing in cups on my kitchen counter. indigo and saw in my dreams. feeling a little trapped again. i dont know how to make room for my relationships anymore...and ive noticed i dont want to make room for them when they arent giving me what i want. if i lose interest they immediately become less of a priority to me. i feel bad for my fickleness, i feel bad for my inattention, i feel bad for my standoffishness and moods- i try to remind myself that there isnt an inherent morality to those things and i want to be given something to stay for. ive been thinking and not thinking of h telling me we wouldnt be together forever. hes always trying to walk it back since he said it but i cant stop thinking of the fact that he brought up wanting to have kids so many times in the course of our relationship. i wanna let my heart break how it needs to. i wanna let go and i want someone to catch me on the other side. i know i can do numbers in this town, im so much bigger than this place. i am so other in so many ways to this place. i think i should start going out again and i should flirt with strangers and laugh and feel myself. i think i should keep at least two days off in my schedule a week if i can. ill cook a lot again in my new kitchen, i like it so much better than ive ever liked this one. kitchen window! i will miss my apartment more than i can even comprehend right now. already though its begun to feel like everyone is filing out and turning empty. i love doing the dishes before bed or before leaving the house. i love eating breakfast on my porch. i love the walk and bus ride to town. i love my proximity to the forest and the beach. i love the quiet and unsettling hum of the west hill. i dont know where ill go next or who i will meet or who i will love. i wish in some ways it was a cleaner slate, like that first summer here. everything changed and no longer in its place. i had a burning freedom that shifted something deep inside of me. i wish i didnt still think of him as the arbiter of that moment in time, i was my own agent...we were agent to each other. i miss dreaming of nyc. i am still so wrapped in my desire to prove myself. i am so wrapped in my desire to outcompete my rival affection. just another flagstone to tap my toe against as i push off. im gonna go for what might be my last walk tonight. maybe ill try and do the full circuit, maybe ill be too tired. i wish s was still awake. i know ive got to just go and cry by myself though. i dont know who to share my heart with anymore. who can look into this and understand me? it feels good to write something, even brief. it is all bitterly long and brief.

[pwblogarchive]

July 2006

July 1, 2006

“sex and the city (the part theyll never tell you)”

its strange here this time of year. because the weather never changes.it is always summer here. so it doesnt feel like the same desperate love of these three pages on the calendar. or at least not what i am used to.patrick and i wrote a song yesterday. not a hit single or maybe anything that would even turn your head.noone knows how it goes.sometimes the worst wishes are the ones that come true.yellow and white lines to the coast.you can learn to love anything if its around enough.some people learn to love their mistakes.shakes hands. "thank you, our time is up".what keeps you coming back?i got a long rap sheet.(the statute of limitations is running out on you pretty fast).the powders wet. the sparks arent coming.the hammer isnt hitting. its spinning.you can learn to love anything.posted by xo @ 11:22 PM

July 5, 2006

the last thing i think of before i fall asleep and the first thing i think of when i wake

regardless of what stars i end up under- for the best and for the worst- you have made me who i am. and i try to make myself more decent and better only because of you.

haveanicelife

Posted by xoat 6:06 AM

June 5, 2006

Stick around long enough and everyone becomes parody of themselves 

you dont hate me, you hate the part of you that is like me. i cant sit here and ride my flaws until the end because the truth is i live the charmed life because of you and them. we are a gang. maybe its time to disband. im not sure i am thinking clearly but i just want you to know that i waited on you guys calls all night- they never came. i just wanted to say i miss you or im sorry or you know something that would have meant something to you. i would have made it poetic and memorable or at least something you could laugh at while drifting off to sleep. always trying to relive the glory days.

i dont care how poorly these sentences were constructed or how in the light of day i will wish i had not written them- right now i can only curse the fucking light off of this stupid western city because it wont ever get dark enough for sleep but otherwise how could you guide your way back here?

my head always feels warm right before i pass out, i always worry that there is something wrong and i wont wake up or you know i will. promise me that you wont take anything i ever say too seriously.

July 7, 2006

“his and hers”

sometimes i cant wait to be forgotten.i wish i could put up an away message in real life and just go to sleep forever.posted by xo @ 3:10 AM

July 7, 2006

“im so sorry, but not really. ('straighten up and die right’)”

i said i want to be rebuilt like a frank lloyd wright only without all of the water damage. or painted over like a monet only less blurry. she said “no, youre something different”. like what? “something better”. it gave me the rush of warm blood like you see in cartoon dogs right before their eyes pop out and all of the bells go off. my head is spinning like a car off of an icy guardrail. show me what you are made of. your eyes were always rolling but youd tilt your head so they were somehow always still stuck on me (have your cake and eat it too). i feel safe but not like a bet more like the way mothers feel when the lock the car doors in bad neighborhoods. i am blue waves across the red rootlike veins in the bodies drawn flat in medical books. i wonder at the way that someone can write thousands and thousands of pages about my insides. when i met you i gave you a name- not your own- but in my head so i wouldnt ever mix you up with anyone so ordinary- i cant tell you- but to me it meant salvation. you only wanted reaction. but i cant be bothered. not anymore. ill see you in the spring. first pew on the left. wear your white veil and dont forget the words. warped tour. sun drenched days. bestfriends. new roads. so long salvation. dont worry your pretty little heads. i am sleeping safe tonight.

July 8, 2006

“the fraternal order of the handsome boy”

ive been watching you from afar

my breath on the inside window as you walk in from the car

candy caned lies in red and white against clashing patterns bending in and out of understanding.

"youre the stranger ive been dreaming of", stranger than any ive ever known.

love through a telescopic lens. when the air is clear i can see how perfect you are for me.

late at night when the city sleeps i cast a spell on you

to make you think of me the very same way i think of you.

i only love how the words feel in my head when i write them.

fireworks over the valley. how can i tell you i gut people for a living.

that everything you say is likely to end up as evidence when i rewrite history.

over and over again.

how everything you do reminds me of something else, someone else.

how im humble and arrogant at the same time,

chased and never caught.

that i just want to stay up late and wake up early to talk to you.

that i want to show you all of my jealousy and insecurity and have you not care.

youre like a light switch and i just want to turn you on and watch them all shrink away.

the words come out of my fingertips on impulse. it is instinct. my head cant keep up.

i envy the comatose. i admire the bedridden.

i am addicted to the way i feel when i think of you.

"im blowing smoke rings around the moon...."

i wish i was the exact opposite of how the world knows me.

Posted by xoat 2:36 AM

July 11, 2006

we used to talk on the phone every single day (nooneknowshowitreallygoes).

its strange the way people will window shop on your life or score it for style and grace.

my personality and everything about me is just a carefully constructed collage of magazine articles and flashy pictures.

i am (not) real.

sometimes the days spent all by myself in my head are the scariest.

its enough to make you want to pack it up and call it a day.

all i can do is read and write and wait.

ihavecodedmessagesforyou.aretheygettingthrough.

Posted by xoat 6:32 PM

July 14, 2006

a little life, alot of death (i want to be known for my hits not my mrs.)

i should probably not be typing in this mood. i wish there was a lock on the keyboard. it is too enthralling in a state like this. just like all of this has always been. the world around me has changed as if overnight. "for someone so smart you are acting pretty stupid". i cant focus on but like three thoughts in my head but i am compeltely wrapped in them. they keep me warm at night. i pray for something to crash into me and smash me back to something more simple. i pray for fistfights so i cant be knocked out and wake up in the e.r. i wish for disaster so i can be razed. im telling you if i could do any of it again, im pretty sure i wouldnt.

fuck your life under the microscope.

fuck your conclusions.

you have no idea.

it never got me anywhere but here.

over and over again.

every single time.

i wish for five months ago. and not in the way you would imagine either. "you are unfixable". my eyes are washed out but they dont feel clean. they are strong you know not the athletic type, but could definitely used to carrying heavy bags. im guessing in any real light i will delete this, apologies in advance. whatever caption is written next to the picture is the exact opposite of me. i am mapless. you are caught. lets go out and get forgotten.

bad news travels fast. and i am the worst of it.

i will always remember the day i met you.

"leave you feelings in your heart boy".

Posted by xoat 12:57 AM

July 22, 2006

“my phone cuts out in the same place every single day ("the gospel of gossip").”

it feels like there is so much to say.but it can only be said in songs.please dont go so quickly."The city with fires of night seemed an archipelagoWomen asked the love and for the dulieBut in my eyes of male horror I rememberThe busy ones of the evening were never prettyThen the day returned but sometimes without sunTo draw up the houses coast at coast at the edge of streetsWhere our lives with the other smilar lives are mislaidLives trailing their shade while passing in the streetIntercalated in the year they was widowed daysBloody and slow Fridays of burialsWhite and whole blacks come from the skies which cryWhen the woman of the devil beat her lover"guillame appolinairesend me a flashlight. i cant seem to find my faith.iwishicould.posted by xo @ 2:17 PM

July 23, 2006

“we used to talk on the phone every single day (nooneknowshowitreallygoes)”

its strange the way people will window shop on your life or score it for style and grace.my personality and everything about me is just a cerfully constructed collage of magazine articles and flashy pictures.i am (not) real.the puppy is purple after spilling a grape soda on himself. he then ate the tropic of cancer by miller. paperback, so i guess it went down easier.sometimes the days spent all by myself in my head are the scariest.its enough to make you want to pack it up and call it a day.all i can do is read and write and wait.ihavecodedmessagesforyou.aretheygettingthrough.posted by xo @ 8:32 PM

July 26, 2006

you spend every waking moment and many sleeping ones thinking of one heart, one person. you let it slip, they let it slip. who knows where it all begins or ends. but as it falls to pieces you keep grabbing them and collecting them less like for a museum of things that used to matter and more like you are going to keep putting it back together. except there are akways a few pieces missing each time. deep breaths. slow your heart beat. the road winds. there was a time before you always felt like this. try to remember pete. you are being pulled in every direction. everything is bigger under the microscope. you want it to be simple. you make it complicated. "hey, pete- i am middle ground. how come we've never met before". sometimes i wish i could re-engineer the path from my heart to the tip of my tongue and let my head have a shot at it. i dont got bigdreams, i just want to be okay. it comes down to my word versus your word versus the worlds word and i dont think i want to anymore. im worn out. my head is full, my eyes are empty. the dog loves the salt in the corners of my eyes and on my cheeks- i am nervous about cutting it from his diet. and i could and should be, and jealous of it, from the children on the street walking hand in hand with their mothers to the homeless man content with his world of a bench. and noone knows the way i spend my nights counting the individuals grains in the tiles in the bathroom, the coolness of the floor the only comfort- or if anyone does they dont want to ehar it, i cant blame you... i dont even want to hear it anymore. in the mornings the world is blurry. it comes in and out of focus. this is when im the worst. when i awake from a dream to realize that none of it was real possibly ever.one of the things stranger than realizing you are alone in this world is realizing that you are not.pupils the size of baby worlds.every bad decision is put on file for later viewing. mapquest your way back to me, take a turn for the worse and then continue for .5 miles.i want to file a restraining order against myself.and i want to be myself again looking at my reflection in your eyes from the first time i failed you. i am nostalgic for disaster. i want it back.he sleeps sound. he has no care for what buzzes and changes in the world around him.because of this i envy him.run away from a city because of one single heartbeat. it doesnt make sense.its not that i dont trust you, actually it is. and i dont trust myself when i think of you. i sell myself out.i wish you were awake right now. i just want to let myself be happy.posted by xo @ 3:53 AM

July 28, 2006

as i run away from everything i have ever known. just whisper in my ear."and the tears come streaming down your facewhen you lose something you can't replacewhen you love some one but it goes to wastecould it be worse?Lights will guide you homeAnd ignite your bonesAnd I will try to fix youHigh up above or down belowWhen you're too in love to let it goBut if you never try you'll never knowJust what you're worthLights will guide you home"so obvious. so much more brilliant than i could ever imagine to be.be bright and shine. its dark. im sorry ive come so off course.tell the pilot to clear us to land in your backyard.posted by xo @ 11:02 PM

July 30, 2006

regardless of what stars i end up under- for the best and for the worst-you have made me who i am. and i try to make myself more decent and better only because of you.happybirthday.posted by xo @ 3:05 PM

[oneaneonly]

i would say most things that plague them are avpd and bpd related, not dissociation. i feel like they are relatively “fine” but they do not ever feel happy nor okay and they dont really want to live, so if nothing happens theyre at Most content. just surviving, fine. the issues arrive when avpd or bpd stuff happens. i feel like the former is more … constant. and the latter less so, but a lot more fiery. well, actually its both. because its like theyll be criticised or corrected and then go away and not eat because they feel not worth it. or consider trying to die or whatever. or other things, i dont know. another issue for them is their ocd but only sometimes. its like most things are only sometimes

most things that they experience are like sleeping monsters. and then you stand by the monsters and they attack. the things that affect their life the most or at least the person they are, to me, is avpd, bpd, autism, and the dissociative amnesia. id say they agree

there are mini micro triggers and threats that cause big things. like, autism for them does not like a lot of loud sound. if they could live on their own they may be more stable, because there would be less sound. part of the reason they are the way they are is theyre permanently exasperated because the autism does not like that there are people in the house who make noise, and then theyre stuck. if they close doors, leave, wear headphones, etc everything has issues. whether it be others or theirself. they sleep in headphones (autism and ocd reasons) and they dont like to because they dont like how the headphones feel, so that isnt resting. plus its loud. so everything is still, for lack of a better word, “traumatising” for the autistic state of mind

that is a horrible and dangerous baseline threshold to be in especially with everything else because either that or everything else is immediately last straw. time and time again theyll see something upsetting, and then hear at the worst time the piano playing. now they are in hell, they cant cry if they wanted to because physically its slightly impossible and well they dont want to, they cant scream, they cant really do much to navigate this. and even if they tried to “regulate” the issues are still around. its like trying to calm down when the room is on fire. how. when the room is literally on fire

triggers often include being told how bad they are at things in any way, moralistic language in any capacity, hearing people talk shit about others, i dont know there are a lot of them. they have to wear their headphones to hear none of this, but then theyre overwhelmed. it seems like everythings an issue. and it feels like everyone reduces their feelings to the fact theyre autistic as an excuse to not aid them. like You dont get this because youre autistic. rather than considering that their own perspective may just be plain wrong to begin with

no one is willing to accomodate them when things get weird. any accomodation thats unconventional doesnt get respected the same or is just something to get over. if they say something about this then it doesnt matter or whatever else. i dont know anymore

theyll never want to live, they always live for other people so they dont grieve and because they beg, and i dont think thatll change. thats been their life for nearly eternity. though, it makes them fragile in some places. they always feel awful as a baseline, more or less, so bad things make them feel worse. i cant say this all easily right now. im sure i stopped making sense some paragraphs ago, but the point is i think dissociation is an affect. i think dissociation is the byproduct of the taxing life they life. they probably need an escape. not sure how they do it honestly. i feel like the things giving them the most grief are the pds, but sometimes other things happen. i dont know, everything seems to Start there. maybe autism sometimes. but i wont know until a crisis occurs. i can barely remember and they are tired. so. dont know

4 29 24

[loveinglymii2]

i love queen of tears. i love it. im so intrigued about how they fell out of love bc there is clearly a time where they were in love like so in love she went to him in a helicopter when hyunwoo found out she was actually an heiress about to take over the company like she loved him at least enough to go after him so what happened between them getting married to three years later and they can barely even sleep in the same room together heck theyre getting flustered at the thought of some skin showing like i just need to know. was it haein that changed for after they married? or was it hyunwoo that changed first? did it all start to change when hyunwoo went to her home for the first time and realized that her family didnt like him and she didnt step up for him? has haein alway stood up for him without him knowing after her family would attack him directly? like these are things i have to know for my well being. thats why i have to keep watching and see where this is going to go. i know the two are going to fall in love again we already see it coming and they may have never really fell out of love there could've just been some pent up resentment from the lack of communication in the relationship and the fact that haein wasnt really being open to him and stuff like that so theyll def fall back in love but does haein die in the end is this going to be a tragedy and im going to end up crying in the end like im so excited the only thing i dont really look forward to is when haein finds out hyunwoo wanted a divorce bc thats going to be annoying its like yea it makes sense that he'd want one you guys were barely a married couple and your family was treating him like poopoo and you were just sitting there watching it happen and its like yea he couldve defended himself but 1. hes in these people's house this isn't his home (he lives there but this isn't something he owns) and 2. it would be 3 (4) against 1 bc haein clearly wasnt step in if it got down to it like clearly she wasnt defending him for the first 3 years of their marriage bc if she was im certain hyunwoo would be a lot more affectionate to her maybe not in love with her but def wouldve felt something towards her other than disdain like idk

also haein's brother's wife not liking him is gold idk what her end goal is (although she mightve already met her goal which is secure a rich man) but all i know is that shes interesting she acts all sweet and innocent acting like she cant handle/doesnt like alcolhol and then downs they rest of the drink and manipulating her husband into thinking he drank it all and is now drunk like what is she up to she might be a gold digger as well bc why would she marry this man if she clearly doesnt really like him like you could kind of see it in her face when he got up to use the restroom. oh and the grandfathers mistress ooooo that lady got something up her shaman using sleeve for sure theres something that woman has planned i bet shes going to try and convince that man to give her the company instead of leaving it to his children and grandchildren or shes going to try and get a ring on her finger so she can get some of that dough when that old man croaks like she not slick she a gold digger and the fact that none of the kids outside of the old mans daughter(the aunt that was in jail) isnt clocking her is crazy to me they dont like hyunwoo but they arent actively trying to get that woman away from their dad/grandpa its crazy. and whats up with haeins mother not liking her but liking her son more like her son is not suitable to be running a company and i dont think shes trying to make him run the company but if she is she needs to bffr right now

[lifewiththelulus]

Mimi was always the first between them to wake up. Not just because she started preparations at the store early but because Hazel, despite being steam, could sleep like a rock. Though getting herself untangled from said stone like grip was a challenge. Wrestling free she took just a moment to gaze mirthfully at her wife cradling a pillow. The early morning haze allowing her to imagine for a moment, something or maybe someone else between them. Remembering with a start the nights full events she hurries quietly to see if Mason had awoken. Stopping in the hallway her gem grew bright at the sight before her. Sunflower was watching over him, as she had always done for Mimi as a child. She was truly a sweet old girl. Mason has seeming gotten quite comfortable through the night,splayed out in a silly way and sand covering the couch and floor. She stifflied a giggle, wishing almost to wake Hazel just to see it.

As much as she wanted to stay in the peace of this moment she knew she needed to call the orphanage now that the lines were back up. They might accept their story but it wasnt exactly legal to pick up a kid off the street the way they did. She heard Hazel stir and enter the room. She could tell Hazel found as much joy in the scene as she had as she barely hid tears. Gesturing to the phone Hazel understood what she needed to do. "Good morning sweet potato, why dont you make our guest some of your turf cakes while I take the phone. "

She didnt need to be in at work till 10 and normally she would revel in the time with Mimi but now her steam was in knots, there was so much to say,so much they didnt know, a million reasons not to do this; but something her father taught her from hearing that story over the years was there could be a million no's but one yes that was more important than any of it, plain and simple love.

When Hazel gets off the phone she enters the kitchen with a dower expression, until she sees Mason fully awake,poorly sneaking sunflower food over the counter with Mimi exaggeratedly pretending not to notice. everyday could be like this she thought,her heart aching with want. She mentally scolded herself again, she knew even if this could happen for them it would take a long time. Shoving everything aside for his sake she finally says "Good morning bud, wipe off that sleep sand we're going for a ride".

the more Mason talks excitedly about places he sees and how theyll go together like its obvious,the more Hazel feels ill. She grips the handle trying to will her precipitation to hold shape as the tears well up behind her goggles. The closer they get to the orphanage, the more anxious he becomes, gazing up at her with worry. She cant bring herself to meet his eyes as it comes into view. "ms. Lumen, why are we here, i thought stuff was ok I thought we were home now". The staff came out relived to see him returned safely. She looks at him with a forced smile "its gonna be ok, just wait for me ok?" They talk for awhile behind closed doors before Hazel is allowed to speak to him again. his body shook as she bent down to his level. "Mason listen to me bud…you are always part of our home no matter what happens,but we cant just take in a kid like this,its..its more complicated than that. Im going to fight for you I promise, but it might take a long time and you wont always see us ok?". He shook and pushed her back."i dont understand" His sand was starting to clump together from tears.

"Mason please understand its not that we dont care about you-"They always say that" he interrupts. "They say they want me, my first mama said a mixed kid was good for videos" he says confused as to what it even meant. "They say they love me until my sand gets too much to handle,you're the same, nobody wants a mixed kid". He was inconsolable, a woman nearby tells hazel that its ok, hes always like this,shes free to leave. He shys away from her touch when she reaches out so she just says " Mason, Im mixed, I understand how hard it is,how elements look at you, how elements dont know how to act around you,i know". He looks up confused "huh, no way youre air!…right?" She laughs slightly "I can pass for it some days, and some days I was trying too, but my mom is fire and my dad is water. They came together even when it was hard because they loved each other, and that made me,steam.And my brother" she added smiling. He looked at her with awe and wary. She continued "We want you in our family Mason;just like my parents fought to have me we will fight for you.I want to hear your stories and maybe, maybe if you're lucky, ill ride in a balloon with you".

He still looks wearing but she coaxes a smile out of him. "Okay but you have to pinky promise or else" he said pouting. "You got it bud" Hazel laughed before growing serious "just wait for us ok, even if it takes a million years you'll come home, I promise"

She can't help but look back as she gets on her bike. Mimi meanwhile has been been texting Flint, both trying to explain the situation and asking if there's any way they can sponsor them

[blackvail22]

9/22/23 — 1:20am

i hate wanting to be productive in the middle of the night. i was tired all day tdy, and now i just want to do something productive. no!!! i work earlier than usual tomorrow!!!!

im doing my skincare now... i wore makeup tdy so i have no choice but to do it 🤯

im tired still but i dont want to sleep. i feel like i havent been productive enough tdy even though i went to 3 different appointments and within the 2 hours before work i cleaned my bathroom sink (that was incredibly disgusting, i am not exaggerating. no one has cleaned it in like a little over a year. my dad shaves his face there whenever it gets like 5 inches long and doesnt clean the hair out of the sink/on the counter. its gross.), made ramen (it wasnt v good).... at work i walked around almost the whole 6 hours. my feet hurt so!! bad!! after i work. it happens every time. it doesnt help that when i fell down my stairs, my "sprained" foot didnt heal properly. i also hurt my hand at work and have not seen a doctor .... im ngl im like a mess and if i tell anyone abt this theyll tell me its because im fat and need to lose weight WE GET IT. I KNOW. IM TRYING, AND JUST BECAUSE I AM DOESNT MEAN THAT I CANT HAVE SMTH WRONG WITH ME?????

anyways

im tired. like mentally and physically. i had counseling tdy and i told her everything and the time still wasnt full. she shared some things abt her life recently... still didnt fill the time. she didnt respond much at all, but she's grieving, so i understand

im not telling anyone except u and my digital diary about my situation with my ex... i need to stop complaining to people abt him and making it everyones problem when its really my fault i keep letting him back in my life. its bad! ive literally had dreams where he did that *thing* but like in an extremely worse way, and i told myself that i just had to live with it, that i have to get used to it. and, i mean, i guess i do... if i can *** ***** then he can do whatever.

im not even with him... just flirting heavily. he picks up on it, i think so, anyway....

im tired

i saw that u updated ur music playlist you sent to me recently ! so heres a song for u in return

2:51am

idk why it pisses me off so bad but when b says shes ugly it makes me so angry. "why cant i be like the pretty girls?" she is the definition of a pretty girl... she may not see it because people were mean to her growing up but its like... ive cried SO much because of how pretty she is. my parents call her the pretty girl, people at school say shes pretty all the time... it just makes me so upset that someone as pretty as her cant see it. and i wish she could, honestly.

and i hate that this makes me so angry. i have so much envy that it rips me apart every second of the day, and i hate it!!!!! im the fat, ugly friend, and i always felt bad for her being friends with me. she says that im one of the prettiest ppl she knows.... if that were true, would she have deleted all the photos of me off of her phone? who knows. and the fact that people compliment her all the time at school and in public should say A LOT about how pretty she is. it happens all the time! and i mean all the time. maybe she doesnt think it was genuine or she forgets? idk... i think the last time a stranger complimented my appearance was a year and a half ago at a taco bell drive thru. the last time i was called pretty (besides when my mom says it) was at leastt 6 months ago. im like distraught because she is literally so beautiful fuck

this is going to make me cry myself to sleep because i cant say any of this to her because this is really just unhealthy of me, like the envy and making me seem like the victim. it just makes me so upset that everyone thinks shes pretty but herself

yeah im def crying myself to sleep gn i work in 11hrs which sounds like a long time from now but i havent slept yet lol

3:16am

ok i lied i messaged her and said "i saw you commented "i wish i was one of the pretty girls" on a tiktok, and i really need you to know that you are the pretty girl. youre so incredibly beautiful not only on the outside but the inside too... it can be rare to find someone like that. i hope youre able to see yourself through my eyes someday and see yourself for what you truly are—beautiful"

i hope it doesnt come off weird

ok i cried and messaged her i should rlly just sleep now