#bc my parents will drop everything
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i was about to go to bed and my roommate called me in a panic because they fucked up their car 😟
#im so stressed for them they called me crying#their front fender is bent and the grills out of place and i feel awful#like there is quite literally nothing i can do except be emotional support and im not great at that#and i cant go to sleep now that i dont know when theyll make it home#i told them if they need a ride or just company while they wait (if they need to get the car towed) to call my parents#bc my parents will drop everything#but theyre really beating themself up about it (they hit a pole ?) and i need to reassure them that these things happen and its gonna be ok#im just. aaahhhgg im so stressed#this sucks#if you read all this im sorry im yelling into the voif#mine
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my mom read my copy of Our Dining Table and she brings back onigiri after visiting Lola and told my brother about using a donabe. Is this what being loved feels like
#this has me so touched its unreal. its such a tiny small thing and I thought itd be like an oh cool moment in both our lives#because its one of my favorite stories and when I convinced her to read it and helped her follow the panels since its manga format#I thought she would drop it halfway like sorry it’s not really my thing but I’m glad u like it like everything else I like in my life#so when she got excited and told my brother about how iinteresting it must be to cook rice in a clay donabe and brings home onigiri#I’m genuinely surprised bc the story must have touched her that much for it to remind her. yknow#at most my parents have a patient tolerance to most of the things I tell them about so idk how to react#I don’t know how to express it without making them feel like im trying to coax more out of them or milk it dry#i think its something I want to quietly bask in#diary#yapping
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Parents really will have kids on purpose and then spend the next twenty or so years punishing that child for being alive and having needs
#i hate my parents#i hate my mom#ugh 🙄🙄🙄#why is everything so difficult w theeemm#and about really basic level stuff too#like tissues and school books and needing a doctor#bc my foot is literally BROKEN but bitch still wants me to walk or drive myself everywhere#and god forbid the doctor say I need to spend money to get better#nooo#no no#ghaaaahh#parents really will ruin everything even when u thought there was nothing to ruin in the first place#don't u worry boo#they'll find a way#when i can financially support myself its over tho#I'll drop them so fast and hard they won't see it coming#like BAM BYE BYE ASSHOLES#BLOCKED
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sorry if I become extra annoying im kinda tweaking over being on my own for the first time sooooo I might let myself become extra indulgent 💔💔💔
#‘aren’t u already super indulgent’ you’d be surprised#everything will be tagged either fanfic bullshit or gayalanwoke if you wanna block 😭#sorry i kinda maybe sorta will be having a moment. for a while.#idk if I can call myself disabled. but like yall know I have diagnosed cptsd and suspected-autism#sooooooo#taking care of myself is. not easy. At all#I can hardly manage with my parents#and now . idk. basically my routine for the past 20 years is being disrupted and im not handling it well#not only that. just.#again like I said taking care of myself in general is really hard#AND I have . college now.#lord 😭#I’ve always been a straight a student in high school and community college right#four months after my cptsd developed? I dropped out of community college 🫠#bc I literally couldn’t handle it#that was last February#now im at a . four year school#so#im tweaking#like actually this time#and since hyperfixations are All Consuming . they are as helpful as they are debilitating yk#so like yes this show/the fic might contribute to education problems. buttttt it’ll also stop me from crashing out!!!!!#so . yeah. yall might be hearing a bit more from me 😵💫#or#I’ll become extremely self conscious and never follow through#sorry#this is so funny I’m freaking out that yall might be angry im posting abt stuff that makes me happy LMFAOAOO#THIS IS LITERALLY ALL IN MY HEAD LMAOOOO#yall: hey gayalanwake! what’s up? cool binder. hey gayalanwake! wanna come over to my house today? :D#me: they alllll hated me 🐺
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#the thing that just keeps nagging me is that there's no way i was the only one right#i can't imagine he went his whole life and only got inappropriate with me after he was already a grandpa and everything#and i doubt he stopped after he lost easy access to me and dropped me like i never mattered at all#i keep thinking i should report it so at least its on record for someone else if they report too#or if someone else already reported than maybe me saying my experience could make that person be believed#but the thing is#(also remember this man is now dead anyway)#he was an officer and detective and then police chief for years before he ever became mayor#and he was so corrupt#and the city is an entagled nightmare of corruption and stuff#like we legitimately got multiple threatening phone calls and answering machine recordings from this man and his minions more than once ove#the years for various city council things and when my parent ran for election again years later and he didn't like that#anyway#the point is that the guy who was elected mayor after him was buddies with him anyway and ran the city the same way but with less#outward narcissism visibly#and the guy that got elected mayor after HIM a few years ago...you'll never believe this...#was also a police officer and then police chief for years and then got elected mayor...and THE FORMER MAYOR'S SON (the one who hurt me)#so while I would like to report it#i am. very nervous about how safe the police department is and how entwined it still is with the mayor's office#bc back in the day MY mayor had like. complete interconnections with the police still the whole way through. wayyyyy sketch#i don't know this new mayor#i know what his father did and i know what his father and his father's ideal people he surrounded himself with were like#and the city hasn't addressed or fixed any of its past corruption and stuff except in small department-upwards movements here and there#so i'm like. i don't live there anymore and i'd need to make a phone call to do any reporting#i have to go through them instead of the county police that i'd feel much safer with (relatively#they're still police obvs)#i'm like...i really want this on record. for the sake of the community and anyone else like me in case they're out there too.#and as an acknowledgment of my own belief in myself and a way to make it so even if i get scared i can never hide the secret again and#but like................is it safe for me to even tell that police department
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if i make it past 27 ill actually be soooo surprised
#25 even. like what the fuck#i feel this horrible impending sense of doom like i always do before Something happens. and it wouldnt scare me if i wasnt always fucking#right#it’s like i just intuitively know when life is going to fuck me over and now i just wait for the other shoe to drop#bc it will. always has always will#i predicted my parent’s divorce i predicted my mom’s illness i knew my dad was dying before he was even in the hospital#i knew something was gonna happen to my sibling i knew everything way before it happened#didnt always know the specifics but there was just a Feeling of oh something is horrifically wrong. and then it always is#this time it’s me. something’s going to happen#i cant even be scared im so fucking exhausted
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hhbh
#okay nvm all that#im having A Day. was supposed to see bf and go to the fair but im sick etc#i was playin videoed games w my friend and ik he didn't purposefully ghost me#he really did get called by his parents or somethin and didnt get back for however long but i dropped from the game and the call bc#i am in a mood . not his fault. that+something else i Really want to check him on but once again its not actually a big deal i am just#cranky. if i did actually get on his ass he would call me and ask if i'm okay which is some bullshit . if i dodged dnd tonight he would do#the same thing but like. mmmm depression. i am very sad. and cranky in pain and i miss my bf and im sick of working at fucking walmart#and now i have to listen to people talk about trump tomorrow and i was gonna see my bf today and i miss him really bad and i dont wanna tal#to anyone else#to be soooo fr i am honestly just like. critically low on affection/attention. rn. i know myself.#i cant just skip dnd that's a shitty move but god i wanna go to sleep <- in pain and sad and cranky and i miss my boyfriend badly#i'm just cranky. but like. augh. let me out of here.#everything sucks. um i have been depressed for going on six months and i am really sick of it. to be honest.
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ONE OF THESE DAYS IM GOING TO FUCKING EXPLODE/NEG
#guys guess who got jumpscared by the kosa bill again (me)#A FEW DAYS????? MY ONLINE PRESENCE IS DETERMINED IN A FEW DAYS???? kms/NSRS#the internet is like a safe haven for me if KOSA passes i may lose my marbles for fucking real#at least i have my qpps phone number#im not losing my qpp regardless of what bills pass#( i say this trying to be hopeful im so scared im gonna lose everything i have on here)#to top it off my ALREADY strict parents literally block so many things from me on their own I DONT NEED THE GOVERNMENT TOO#ive just been so stressed out of my MIND this past week the KOSA bill isnt HELPING.#i read a post abt KOSA a few minutes ago and let me tell you my heart DROPPED#back on the internet save haven place for me thing#it is literally the only place i can express myself like say that im trans because i dont trust anybody else angel emoji#AND ive met some of the most wonderful people on the internet#the fact that it could all be over because some 65 y/o politician says that we need to 'protect the kids' is so fucking messed up#like bitch you KNOW what youre doing you KNOW how bad this is you just want to control kids#into believing stupid things!!! why do you think LGBTQIA and mental health topics are being blocked bc of KOSA!!!#NEWSFLASH!!!! YOU WANNA POUR PROPAGANDA INTO PEOPLES MOUTHS#ughhh#closet rambles again on tumblr
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another shit fucking day but in the most casual way possible bc all i did was sulk study cry study sulk and finally, sulk in the shower. chai next and then bed . fuck my stupid baka life forrealsies
#i almost had an argument w my mother over nothing at one point bc i was so anxious about nothing and everything at once and well#i keep thinking. idk what im doing anything for anymore#like when we were arguing i was like wait what if she brings up how shes giving me a ride to uni multiple times this week#and then i was like wait if she says that. I'll just tell her not to. and then ill skip class. and then ill drop my classes and get a refund#and then ill drop out of uni. and then ill kill myself!#mind you i was thinking about all of this and the argument didnt even go in that direction in the end bc it was over very quickly#ljke. what ks wrong with me#i keep thinking that if my parents get pissed at me for being good for nothing despite me trying my hardest not to be#i really will end it all finally like Actually#bc i dont understand anymore. why are they paying for my stupid medication and tuition#theyre too nice to me#i know they expect me to send them money in their ideal imagined scenario in which i get a good job after getting a masters degree#and i know they expect that I'll take care of them when theyre old bc in their ideal. imagined. scenario. i 1) dont off myself in the next#few years 2) am not a lesbian who ruins the whole family dynamic by coming out and 3) get a well paying job and a husband#so. so yeah#but right NOW theyre nice to me and they take care of me but also i think everything is pointless but i try anyway because they take care#of me and they want me to be well but how am i supposed to be Get Well if i don't believe in myself#like i dont think thats possible really.#maybe a tiny bit? like maybe i won't be Well but i can be better. yeah i can do that#so i guess thats why im still trying#but then it's like. being Better is so. marginally different from being at rock bottom in a way#like yeah its significant improvement clinically but to me it's still casually miserable in its own unique way bc it's better but its still#very much present lingering choking me etc#so that brings me to the following:#im trying so hard but for what exactly? 'just keep going!' but at what cost? but why when im still like this?#z.post
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It feels so genuinely strange to feel at peace after being in crisis mode for so many years. My therapist said it takes, on average, 2 years for the results of (C-)PTSD recovery to made visible and I'm right on target for it; it's just. I feel okay and it's starting to sink in.
Good things have happened this year and they don't feel like they're gonna be taken away, I've met very good people and they don't feel out of my grasp. I'm actually getting to know myself, seeing what my autism wants from the world, the candles and incense and sprays pointing me towards sensory seeking (and that's okay!), the special interest in music pulling me in all directions (and that's okay!), spending lots of time reading and changing up what I was taught constitutes a meal by breaking it down (and that's okay!).
I don't actively dislike my field of work, have hobbies I engage in, friends I engage with, a vehicle the same year I got my license, I feel like I'm breathing for the very first time.
I'm okay, and it's starting to really feel that way.
#i've been thinking about this a lot lately. that i feel okay. i came home after closing with the pharmacy and sat down with a book#i had some food cobbled together for something to have before bed bc i need to get groceries today#i might finish my book today and i have so many more to pick from; considering re-opening comms in a few days too#it's just. i feel like i'm beginning to take up space in my own life and now that i'm doing that i want to take as much as possible#i want everything i can grab onto and it's exciting!! sometime this month marked 2 years since i dropped off that letter to my parents#about why i left and was cutting contact and. everything i have done since then. the new stuff and the new friends and the general autonomy#oh the autonomy! being a person on my own! acting in my interests and being allowed to be silly bc it makes me happy#happy to have more books more mugs more candles.. i'm starting to actually get to know myself and it's something i've never had a chance#to actually do; i see myself. i see him#i see him and i love him.#shai speaks
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im discontent and tired but like too discontent and tired to put it into words i think. lol
#purrs#prefacing this as usual by saying that i love my job. but also… every single situation. EVERY situation. is a primal situation in one way. l#like either i am dying of hunger / thirst / sleep deprivation and feeling it so hard i can’t focus on my work or i am so stressed that i am#being chased into a hidey hole by all the pressures or i am projecting my parents onto ppl and reliving primal moments of abaondoment and ex#exclusion LMFAO. And it’s like there’s no wonder i am so fucking exhausted every day when i come home i have lived 746 lifetimes in the last#8-9 hours. but it’s just so insane and im so tired. i literally thought i was gonna have an anxiety attack earlier today and it was bc i had#health anxiety bc my heart was pounding so hard over my facilitation anxiety that i got scared my heart was legitimately going to give out a#and then i started spiralling and like. lol i don’t think that’s healthy. i just want the election to be over so fucking bad but also i cant#just throw up my hands and give up and hope for the best i am literally being paid to give everything i have to making the world better so i#im gonna do it it’s just i am so often like the youngest and least experienced person in the room and im insecure about that and also i am j#just scared like… as a person and it’s just a lot to deal with i guess. lol#guess i was able to put it into words lol. but the moments of me projecting shit are so annoying bc then i get mad and then my feelings get#hurt bc no one notices im mad but also i don’t want anyone to notice im mad bc im being stupid for literaly no reason so. idk im just#ear ripped tated right now over stupid stupid shit that genuinely does not matter and has no bearing but when it’s little things that build#up over the course of the day… idk. it’s just hard 💃🏻#delete later#this is abt smth that happened in a meeting today brw it’s not abt anyone including irls i saw today / this week i love u 😽#also side note i saw literally SO many of the ppl closest to me this week. like that used to be an almost every day occurrence and i think t#this week not only did i see… like not to name drop on my tumblr blog with redacted followers but not only did i see you markya and#david but i saw tirzah AND brandon AND radia. WTF!!!!! that’s so many of my favorite people all in one week!!!! :DDDDDDD#(omg pretend i put ‘you’ after all the ppl it applies to)
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actually i think i was put into this world so god could watch me kill myself in the most pathetic ways possible
#suicide tw#eight times n all more pathetic than the last#the last one was funny i tripped on the way n was just covered in dirt but it's okay it was like five am no one saw me#maybe .#the one before that i stopped bc i dropped my phone in the tub n my music stopped n i panicked#bc i didnt wanna waste my parents money#the others ones arent as funni haha 2 me#i made it through june n july which are my worse months for everything#never remember the months never have a good time during them#but august isnt a saving grace like it used to be bc my plans to go to school with my friend fell through so . im just . ok .#es fine no es para tanto#idk . i want out .#im either gna have a miracle or im going to be buried in this dead end town#im fine im just lonely and gonna be stuck in my room for another year#twenty two years of this does a lot 2 a person ! if u ever wonder why im so weird and robotic n offputting it's bc of that#n also the abuse#but mostly that#idk#ill stop now#my apologies#vent post#vent tw#blabs
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I feel like growing up with parents that are rabid conspiracy theorists about anything and everything affects you like. way way way deeper than most people do (or maybe want to?) acknowledge. and I just wish it was talked about more honestly
#misc.txt#ventish#(<-not too bad just tagging for blocking purposes)#like. this is embarassing to say but my parents were and still are severely anti vax. so at some point I need to go get#proper rounds of vaccines#bc obv I was not fucking allowed to#preferrably uh. fucking soon if I can work out how to do it without them knowing#(and if I can't I guess. I'll have to figure out some health insurance stuff bc I could literally be in danger if they did know.)#(which is a whole can of worms on its own.)#and EVEN THOUGH I fully 100% know that everything they fed me was bullshit#I still have so much deep fear around it bc it was drilled into my head so fucking hard growing up#x will kill you. y will make you sick. z will probably damn you to hell forever but maybe not who knows better to be scared and 'safe.' etc#and it's so hard to even explain it to ppl because they go 'oh so you still believe that stuff' and no!! no I do not!!#Ive just been trained since birth to be afraid of anything n everything!! I've been fed lies for my entire life!! thats hard to shake off!!#I WANT to do good things for myself but my stomach drops on instinct just thinking about it#and I am so so so tired of having to be brave about things I never should have had to be brave about. that's all ig. I'm tired.#like either ppl think you have also inherited their insanity OR they just look at it like 'oh haha funny quirky kooky'#no it's kind of torn my psyche to shreds in ways I'm still uncovering. but w/e go ahead and laugh <3
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god i hate summer vacation
#already regretting everything that i planned#wish i didnt agree to go on a trip with my parents#even tho ill never ever have the money to go there#and i regret getting festival tickets bc not im constantly anxious and nauscious bc of it#but also its not like summer is ever pleasant#ill be getting screamed at regardless but now i wont have even a week where my parents are gone probably#bc i dont think theyre planning on going anywhere#and i have to find a promotor but thinking abt it just makes me want to kill myself or drop out#but if i drop out suicide will be all i have left#still not sure if what i tried to do last week counts as a suicide attempt and its making me feel weird#even with suicide im in an indescribable limbo#and im also so so tired and i have so much shit to do
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#we're not coming to your stupid little show#my choir has an end of year concert#and like there are 5 groups and over 100 singers in total#so we do this like picnic style concert at this big lawn and families come and have a picnic with us while we do the concert#and it's like a whole thing#but my parents are flying that day on a trip and my brothers told me and im quoting#so you know im once again going to be sitting alone while everyone have someone to be with#bc my family doesn't give a shit about me but expects me to drop everything for them and their shit#love that for me
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it sucks having to explain for the nth time to your parents why you can't just go work as a receptionist / in a call center or whatever other office when you know damn well that they don't actually believe you when you tell them about auditory processing disorder
#I fucking wish I was normal about phonecalls lol. I fucking wish I was normal with my hearing. I would fucking love to go work a normal job#A fucking normal ass job that would get me enough money to have the shittiest smallest apartment and live off instant ramen bc even that m#sounds better than what I have rn. Why do they always doubt me about my health like no matter what#Pressuring me for years to drop therapy and antidepressants only then to be shocked when I'm miserable when unmedicated#I guess the good thing about being diagnosed with almost everything at age 17 and above is that#your doctors just aren't telling your parents shit and you can just not tell them#pogaduchy
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