#and i could taste it in the smoothie. everyone thought i was insane but once they gave me 2 samples of smoothie

[perfectfangirl]

notes after rewatching fallout s1 ep4

• cooper and lucy wandering the desert and mans starts coughin', somethin' settin' in • whoa i just realized you could hear roger roaring from outside • roger was at a clinic, probably trying to find something to help him ☹️ • i wrote a whole entire post on this scene but anyways can i say we see full blown uncooked cannibalism hardly ten minutes into episode four like is everyone ok • the fact this scene is presented with a lot of tension, like a horror film and truly it's just a guy named roger fighting to stay not feral • i wonder how cooper met him? ghouls tend to know each other after a while [on account of the discrimination], i'm sure he was checking with this man every now and then tbh. perhaps. a friend. • cooper asks roger how he's feeling and he says "you know... it's hard out here. dang smoothies can be so unkind" and i just 😞 • "i see you got a smoothie of your own" ding ding ding ghoulcy this one's for you • you know what's particularly sad about ghoulification is for example that roger has had to isolate himself from others, even ghouls, because he was turning • roger asking for a vial and cooper looking at lucy [cooper, you botched the using lucy for bait, come on] • firmly in the camp that if cooper had vials left, he would give one to roger. cooper has shown himself to be crude and cruel seeming at times but i just know he went there with purpose • roger accepting he's turning and telling cooper and lucy to leave as a warning, roger seemed so nice, why and how did he get like this

• "i did ok" 😞 • going from standard human to turning into a feral ghoul in less than twenty eight years in the fallout universe is insane and idk if there's a lot of lore on why someone could end up like this and someone like cooper not • the difference in cooper's and roger's symptoms are pretty stark--- not entirely sold on him coughing and passing out is from ferality and more inclined to think chem withdrawals but i digress • "say, you remember how good food use to taste?" post war life is so bad, nobody in the wasteland remembers when food use to food 😭

• because roger is really nice and having a conversation, roger turns, speaking to lucy. cooper using this as an opportunity to kill roger seems so sudden and a betrayal until • look at cooper's eyes and his reaction after pulling the trigger--- not exactly the expression of someone who is in it "for the love of the game", in fact, i have come to view this act as a mercy kill • which is ironic of course because as we've all come to see, lucy does the exact thing for her own mother four episodes later • once feral, ghouls roam the wasteland operating on two instincts alone: hunger and defense. they are a threat to all those around them and i don't recall much on reversal. that's no life. roger would've turned feral and harmed them or others, it is sad • cooper mercy killing roger was in some ways compassionate, he had a sweet conversation with roger giving his last thoughts something warm and nice. cooper then going on to butcher and consume his flesh was an uh choice 💀

• and lucy immediately confused was like "wait?, why'd you do that? he was sick." i don't know if she entirely understands ghoulification, seems she thought maybe he could be helped • lucy is basically confused, begging cooper to not like, eat this guy 😭 • i'm gonna have to agree that he didn't have to eat roger, radroaches is everywhere and for free, still pondering if he did this to fuck with her or because some reason i am missing • cooper asking lucy what her name was [hold on, why he care about that?" and lucy so nearly coming this close to finding out what hank did and who cooper is [since she didn't ask his name] • "sometimes a fella's got to eat a fella" is my all time favourite quote in season one of this show lmao • cooper be funny as fuck for no reason like this man's brain is cooked • i would personally like to ask walton whose idea it was to go "mmm. mmm." while eating irradiated human flesh like that, like why is the pre war actor cooper howard like this • lucy is incomprehensibly disgusted but then goes on a thing [a vulnerable thing] about vault 32 starving [in the great plague of '77] and that she lost her mother during this time and that her father never resorted to cannibalism. there's some time and memory discrepancies here • "well there's what people say they did and what they really did" i wanted cooper to be wrong so bad here when he went on to clown hank by saying "i'll bet your daddy was first in line at the cookout. i bet he had a bib with a drawing of his neighbour's ass on it" • lmao they gave all the best lines to cooper, i'm sick, he was right • lucy, having had enough and not finding cooper's humour being used as a way to cope like this asks this disturbed little man • "how do you live like this? why keep going?" and for the briefest moment, and i do mean brief, cooper feels the crushing weight of who he is when lucy confronts him like this • of course he shakes off a moral inquiry and transfers it to another as he asks "why the fuck am i doing all the work?... ass jerky don't make itself." and forces lucy to do it instead • twice now this man has talked about ass in less than ten minutes and for everyone's sake i'll move along 💀

• woody basically trying to interrogate the raider prisoners and getting nothing, meanwhile--- i think they already starting to be poisoned • ooo ok but betty telling norm he's the last standing maclean in the vault so his words carry and people listen. it occurred to me maybe he inadvertently inspired the poisonings of the raiders but it's also occurring to me that because they couldn't just all be shot outright, being poisoned was the best follow through method, nobody notices until it's already too late. now who is sneaky enough for that? • "when clever boys like you are angry, you're lucky not to have seen where that can lead." so... was betty present for shady sands? hmm • betty asking norm to tread lightly is very... not a threat, but she's watching him, right

• ok! we have that second water scene. it's confirmed here cooper is fetching water from an irradiated source [hence why denying lucy any makes sense] he puts it in his canteen and drinks it just fine. lucy is obviously mindlessly thirsty because she defeatedly drops down to drink the murky, stagnant irradiated water. it's so irradiated, her pip boy is going crazy, she literally gags in the scene • "now you're getting it. how does this golden rule jibe with what's going through your head now?" well i mean we knew cooper been fucking with her the whole time and showing her the wasteland streets but it is also unlikely she would have found a clean water source where they are, i guess her getting radiation poisoning may have been inevitable but cooper denying her water kept her from being sick • after another insane string of sentences from this centuries old movie star, lucy finally asks "what are you?" and it's more like "what the fuck is wrong with you?" • "oh i'm you, sweetie, you just give it a little time" is majorly menacing after everybody just drank stagnant rad water like it's koolaid • cooper felt so smug then was zapped with karma again because he has a coughing fit directly after telling lucy this lmao • walton has such a good old man cough ❤️ • lucy takes cooper coughing up a lung as an opportunity to run [where i don't know but] • cooper uses his lasso skills he used to use at kid's parties to pull lucy back and then says some shit like "where you think you going? you ain't going nowhere."

• so we have arrived at the infamous and intriguing finger biting off scene--- can i just say she bit his finger off with such ease and then! cooper doesn't even act like it hurt, he seems... pleased he got that kind of reaction out of lucy. he's like into it 💀 • "there you are, you little killer" i'll keep this pg13 and say cooper really wanted to get a rise out of lucy, to bring the dog out of her, huh • he... then proceeds to cut her [corresponding hand's] finger off. ironically applying the "do unto others as you would have done unto you" tit for tat, if you will • i was surprised he did this because like ok, she spat it out? pick it up and reattach it, fella 😭 but there's more under the surface here because • cooper says "now that right there is the closest thing we've had to an honest exchange so far." and he's being framed in a close up so close, you can see his dainty eyelashes, sun shining in the background, his hazel eyes sparkling--- this is not on accident ☝️ gdgkdkfd • there's a lot of symbolism to be had but for now, i'll save that for next episode notes when cooper does the thing • ah chet! and steph. i kinda am of the idea she strategically got with him but anyways! who wouldn't! chet hot as fuck! and steph look like an assassin • bert's shoes so small gldgldfl • steph is definitely angry and sad dealing with bert's death in her own special way [trying to fuck chet] • excuse me but why they turned an almost sex scene into a birthing scene 😭💀 • lucy been walking the wasteland without a shoe, how she do it 😭 • i did not pick up on cooper bartering lucy for two months' worth of vials [thanks subtitles] • "mint condition" [looks at a bloody stump on hand] "near mint condition" now who fault is this?? lmao • "you got problems out here too, sweetheart" like, shut up 😭 • cooper every time he interacts with a mr. handy is one of the only few places he gets to hear a voice of this old friend • "best you try your luck behind that door" well at least he untied her • this is like the third time he's gotten instant karma with lucy because either he pretended to keep it together until she went in or genuinely didn't know he was going to pass out but • went through the five stages of grief trying to figure who he sold her to because i deadass was thinking the same thing lucy was 😭 • lucy being given the finger of like, a corpse or something because it's grey 😭 forever changed by the wasteland, always carrying a little bleakness and death with her ❤️ • lucy never experiencing real cotton [or maybe only rarely] • lucy calling cooper a creature 😭 • "he put a leash around my neck and made me drink from puddle water that i'm pretty sure was some kind of animal pee" sending 😭 she talking to this evil mr. handy like it's a person • her recounting her captivity with cooper like he was simply being mean to her is just • "and i thought i was here to be a sex slave." "what?! no! what a disgusting idea. i'm simply going to harvest your organs." damn, fallout which one is worse, like fuck---

• hope the jello cake veronica got wasn't poisoned... • "what are you looking at?" "a murderer in a cage, paying the price for what you did to us. for what you did to the innocent people in vault 32" and norm gets circumstantial evidence from a raider by accidentally cross examining one of them with it being more than anything woody could coax out of them • one thing about the macleans, they smart • i also think it's excellent writing that intrigue was spurred like this by a raider saying vault 32 wasn't innocent because they were running an experiment like all the vaults did, everything isn't so black and white • norm reads every situation correctly because why he read chet by saying chet came along to investigate because norm reminds him of lucy fkdgkdkg • still piecing together the full extent of vaults 31, 32, 33 together but at first i couldn't understand why it looked like so many took their own lives--- apparently them discovering what vault 31 was about started a rebellion but two years seemed so recent to me. curious how this overlaps with shady sands if it does • they showed the spooky ass rat utopia experiment still playing on the tvs in there but i wasn't sure if this was explicit about that being vault 32's experiment

• lucy being prompted to continue on because of a flashback from her mom upon awakening 🥲 • "lucy sweetie what are you doing out here?" and those were her memories on the surface [nevermind cooper calling her [[condescendingly]] "sweetheart"] • i did not realize the ghouls were being kept in the freezers but it looks like they either only sell ghouls or keep the ghouls "on ice" [not unlike how dom pedro would keep cooper and cut pieces off of him] and collect the organs of standard people right then and there • "sir, you can't do this. please, i need my organs" lucy, it's just a robot bulter, he's not a real guy 😭 • the way lucy got out of this pickle quick, almost got snip snipped but short circuited the murderbot • lucy putting her murdercap on and putting drano in the murderbot's syringes, clever girl • it was so "star wars" of her to treat mr. handy like a person and then the guys running the organ trafficking scheme going "you might as well be holding an air conditioner hostage" 😭 • the organ traffickers running the super duper mart ring are so dull and banal evil types, it's so satire

• i just registered those two organ trafficker guys got a camera and can see cooper laid out in front of the store • lucy freeing the ghouls 🥲and one even thanking her [even the feral ones 💀] • poor martha, i peep how we see lucy's grey finger and it being shown used to defend herself against martha in her feral state • organ traffickers got ate up bless • nothing lucy did besides shoot was going to honestly stop martha, sometimes your pacifist playthrough doesn't go as planned • the pip boys still being on and running on the not alive people in vault 32 • "death to management" and it's directly the reference to vault 31's experiment, right there

• lucy walking out of there with mismatched shoes but two shoes nonetheless ☝️ • i guess lucy sincerely did not comprehend cooper is a ghoul or ghoulification, i suppose most vault dwellers literally would never know, that's post war history, wow • lucy asking cooper about if the vials keep him from going feral and he cannot even speak, he can only nod, from a prone position, on the ground--- the power/framing trade off is excellent • lucy bends down, briefly rolls the gun in her hand, while cooper lies helpless, she delivers a fatal line • "i may end up looking like you. but i'll never be like you" harbouring not enough ill will against him despite mistreatment, she gives cooper several vials, directly near his hand. didn't have to do none of that shit! • if i was cooper, i'd be scared as hell of this lady, she took down an organ trafficking ring in a grocery store ran by two armed guys, a murderbot, with some feral ghoul hostages, all of the bad and dangerous people fucking died • she really could've ended cooper right then and there, his devotion in season two gone be unmatched lmao

• i truly think he had a hint of a smile on his face after she helped [save his life] by anyways • lucy walks into the proverbial sunset meanwhile this man shambles into super duper mart about to go on the biggest bender the wasteland has seen since the bombs dropped • cooper gets so fucked up, i lost count how many things he ingested, king said all of 'em • cooper is so goddamn famous, his film "the man from deadhorse" is just sitting next to a tv • you could say here is where cooper has a crisis of conscience whereupon he holds the tape in his hand but truly we know already he had that centuries ago when he filmed "the man from deadhorse"

• cooper watching the scene, the very moment in his life where things started to shift--- he tries to cock an invisible fun, being unable as he remembers his trigger finger is gone [neutral, disarmed, here's where i think he decides he wants to sew on lucy's finger to his hand] it's like he's starting over, a moral rebirth but with his trigger finger • they really made cooper say "you commie son of a bitch" in a western, just ugly propaganda • let's examine "feo, fuerte, y formal" again! "ugly, strong, dignity" does post war cooper have two out of three on that front? is this his step into regaining dignity again? • cooper was always playing characters, it was expected of him and he got paid for it. it feels like a wall is being torn down, something is being shed here. and maybe it's this character he's masquerading as • cooper and lucy both having revelations in the super duper mart--- lucy realising you can't always reason and logic out of a situation and cooper being confronted with the fact you can keep your morality and sense of self intact and a horrible place and situation doesn't have to change you

[anotherpapercut]

I will never understand how some people hate all tea, which there are like a billion flavors of, but love coffee, which all has the same terrible taste no matter what

[mygodyouredivine]

The Hell In Your Eyes - 2

Summary: Loki doesn't meet her until two weeks after his initial imprisonment, but he knows he hates her. He has to hate her. Because the way she talks to him and helps him and saves him meals can't mean anything. She is too soft to deal with Loki, who is hardened with pain, pain, and more pain. And Loki hates soft things. 

Have you ever seen the hell in someone’s eyes and loved it anyway?

Characters: Loki Laufeyson/(f)Reader

Warnings: mild blood

Word Count: 3498

Previous Chapter 

It’s 5 in the morning. 

The sun isn’t even out yet and you’re standing in the kitchen, dressed in your pajamas, preparing smoothies. You thought you’d be used to waking up early, considering how you always used to make smoothies before everyone else woke up, but apparently your recent ‘break’ has thrown off your internal schedule. In fact, if not for FRIDAY’s not-so-gentle reminder of your morning plans, you wouldn’t have gotten up in time.  

You shake your head, tightening your grip on the mason jar you’re holding.  

It won’t happen again.  

It can’t.  

Not when you’re already in everyone’s way, always leeching off of Tony’s money, always causing trouble for Steve and making Bucky worry. Not when Natasha always feels a need to look after you and Wanda constantly checks in. Not when Sam and Clint feel obligated to train with you and Thor treats you like you’re going to break — going to shatter into a thousand tiny pieces and then cut and bleed all over the tower’s expensive, clean floors.  

No. If you can’t even do something as simple as making smoothies for the people you’re always inconveniencing, what use are you? 

Your fingers tighten and you can feel your nails digging into the hard glass of the mason jar. For a second, you wonder if it’s possible for you to scratch the class. You clench your fingers — hard — in an effort to break the glass. Just once, you want to break something else. But as you loosen your grip, you’re forced to come to terms with the fact that the jar is just as pristine as it always was.  

Not a single crack. Not even a scratch.  

The jar is fine — the jar is always fine. But your fingers are dented and your joints are sore and you’re so tired of this. Of always being the one who is damaged. The only one who is ever damaged. Everyone else is always unscathed and no one else ever breaks.  

You drop the mason jar. 

Shit. 

It falls to the ground and you watch as it shatters all over the floor.  

Maybe Thor is right. Maybe you are going to shatter one day, just like that mason jar. 

But it’s not going to be today. Breath quickening, you furiously remind yourself that it’s okay.  

It’s okay. It’s okay. It’s okay.  

It’s not you on the floor. Maybe one day it is going to be you, lying there broken and useless and fractured and gone, but right now, it's not. You’re still full and whole and not broken and the glittering glass fragments on the floor aren’t you. Looking back down, your eyes catch on droplets of red. Your breath stops and the air in your lungs still. Sure, the glass on the floor isn’t your ground-up soul, shattered and crushed, but the blood is yours. 

There are specks of blood splattered amidst the glass, staining the kitchen’s pristine floor. And you know it’s your blood because you can feel it dripping from your fingers where the glass cut into your skin and you can’t help but stare as a drop of it rolls off your middle finger and falls to the ground and you flinch as it lands in a little crimson circle.  

It’s pretty, though.  

And you can’t look away as another drop falls, landing directly on top of the previous one, doubling the size of the puddle. For a second, you wonder how much blood it would take to cover the entire floor — and if your body has enough.  

But then you hear footsteps approaching and you hastily kneel onto the ground, furiously attempting to clean up the mess you made, to fix it. More blood trickles from your fingertips as you desperately grab at the broken pieces. You’re making it worse.  

The glass blurs and you frantically blink, trying to rid yourself of the tears beginning to form in your eyes. The last thing you need is to cry — for your tears to mingle with your blood — for you to appear even weaker than you already do.  

But you are weak. You can’t even win this battle — against yourself, and you feel the tears overflow and you watch as they fall, turning the dark red into a lighter pink. 

It's a pretty pink. 

It’s a pink that reminds you of the first lipstick you ever bought. You and your best friend had gone down to the convenience store after school, sneakily carrying the lunch money you’d both saved. You remember counting the coins together and excitedly running towards the makeup aisle, where the both of you promptly agonized over the perfect lipstick for the better part of an hour.  

Eventually, you settled on a sparkly little tube of lipstick — more of a chapstick really, and you can distinctly recall how it smelled like heaven and tasted like strawberries, and how it always tinted your lips just the slightest bit pink.  

But right now, the pink you’re staring at isn’t lipstick, and you can very clearly make out two feet standing before you. Looking up, you meet a pair of eyes. Blue, like the sky on a sunny day. It’s a blue filled with promises of picnics and lemonade and daisies, of innocence and childhood, of strawberry lipstick. And in this moment, you want nothing more than to drown in that blue. 

Maybe if you bleed enough blood and cry enough tears you can drown in it. Maybe you can drown in the perfect shade of pink while staring into the perfect shade of blue.  

______________________________

For such a muscly man, Thor’s fingers are surprisingly soft.  

The god is currently standing before you, carefully bandaging your cut hands.  

“My lady, I thought you specifically told me that blood smoothies were not appetizing.” His attempt at humor brings a smile to your face, but you can’t do more. Shrugging, you answer. 

“Well, I guess I’m just a hypocrite.” His eyes squint, his eyebrows furrow, and you can tell he’s about to reassure you. You hurriedly continue. “Even the best of us make mistakes, Lord of Thunder.”  

Thor’s eyebrows relax again, and the corners of his eyes crinkle as he smiles. Relief courses through your veins. You wonder if Thor can feel it in the blood that is still leaking from your fingers. Gently, you tug your hands out of his grasp, just in case. Sending out a silent prayer of thanks to whatever prompted you to wear your black sweatpants today, you try not to grimace as the fabric brushes against your injured legs. At the very least, they conceal the blood. 

Thor doesn’t need to know about those. It’s bad enough that he’s already seen you dissolving into an emotional puddle earlier, not to mention how the literal King of Asgard had cleaned up the mess you made and is now attempting to inspect your hands again.  

“Were you planning on making the smoothies this morning, my lady?” Thor’s voice interrupts your thoughts and you look up, meeting his poorly-disguised-concerned gaze. 

“Yup.” You nod, popping the p . “I’m glad to be back, and I wanted to start making you guys smoothies before your morning workouts again. I know for a fact that whatever concoction you made yesterday was an absolute disaster.”  

Thor looks sheepish as he smiles, his hands running through his short blonde hair. “My brother would agree with you.”  

At this, you suddenly remember. You need to get Loki’s smoothie preference, as well as the time he wakes up. You know everyone’s preferred flavors, as well as their morning routines, to ensure your smoothies are always as fresh as possible.  

“Speaking of Loki, when does he wake up?” 

Thor shrugs, a confused look flitting across his face. “Truth be told, I don’t really know. Loki and I haven’t inhabited the same space in quite some time, and I am not familiar with his routines.”  

“Oh.” That would be slightly hard to work with. “Uh, well do you know what type of smoothie he might prefer?” 

Thor’s lips turn down into a pout. “I don’t think Loki would like any type of smoothie, my lady. Yesterday he made his distaste for smoothies quite clear."  

Before you can interrupt and remind him that his smoothie most definitely tasted nothing like your smoothies, he continues with a wink. "But I suppose if anyone could make a smoothie Loki does approve of, it would be you, my lady."  

You know Thor is somewhat disappointed by Loki’s lack of enthusiasm towards his smoothie. It’s easy to detect, even under his charming antics. Thor’s lips turn downward when he is upset, and he always picks at his nails. Sometimes he will suck in his cheek, and that’s when you know he is truly in a mood. But Thor never stays sad for long.  

His expression has brightened up again, and Thor is back, his ever-chipper energy once again emanating from within his warm eyes. There’s not a single trace of conflict in his eyes, and you wonder, for the hundredth time, how he does it. Thor has seen so much death — caused it, even — and been through so much pain, yet he is always able to hold it together, always able to smile and laugh and come back stronger. 

Thor is the embodiment of the word 'golden'. No matter how much dirt and grime Life layers on top of him, nothing could ever dim his luster.  

You think you're closer to being the dirt and grime than you ever were to being gold. 

“Thanks Thor.” 

______________________________

In the end, you settle on making Loki Thor’s favorite smoothie. After all, Thor is the only other god here who has dined on the finest Asgardian delicacies, and if he likes your chocolate-strawberry smoothies, you just hope Loki does too.  

The only difference is, Thor prefers his smoothies absurdly sweet. Whether it’s his insane metabolism or the ten thousand calories he burns a day, he never seems to be affected by the hundreds of grams of sugar you’re sure he consumes.  

You’re carefully pouring the smoothie into two mason jars when Nat comes into the kitchen. You smile and motion towards her drink sitting on the counter. Natasha prefers a green smoothie, packed with kale and spinach and cucumbers and ginger — not the best tasting thing you’ve ever made, but it must do something , ‘cause Nat looks like she doesn’t understand what the word ‘bloating’ means.  

The redhead raises an eyebrow, motioning to the second mason jar you’re carefully pouring. “Does Thor drink two of those every morning now?” 

“Well, no. This one's for Loki. I don’t know what he prefers, so I thought I’d make him Thor’s favorite for now. Except without the whipped cream and excessive number of chocolate chips.” 

Nat’s other eyebrow raises. “You’re kidding right? Angel, stay away from Loki. He’s a dangerous man. He’s deranged and unstable and selfish. He’s not going to appreciate your smoothie.” 

And with that, all the self doubt rushes back in. The self hatred that Thor’s fingers had smoothed away, the shame that bled from your fingertips, it all rushes back in, pumping through your veins and into your heart.  

“Do you appreciate my smoothie?” You hadn’t meant for it to come out, and you certainly hadn’t meant for it to sound so insecure. 

Nat’s eyes widen, and she hastily retreats. “Nono Angie, that's not what I meant. Come on, you know all of us love your smoothies. What I’m trying to say is —” her fingers meet her forehead in a gesture of frustration “ — we appreciate and love you for all that you do, but Loki won’t. He’s too arrogant and he definitely thinks we’re all beneath him.”  

With that, she moves closer to you and envelopes you in a hug. Natasha means well, you know that, but she doesn’t realize how her words come off — how she just backed up the little voice inside your head, repeatedly telling you that you’re worthless. You wonder if she even wants your smoothie, or if she just humors you. And then her arms retreat from around you, and she steps back. 

“Sorry Angie, but I’ve got to go now. I love you — we all do. You know that right?”  

You nod, and smile. “Thanks Nat. I love you too.” 

______________________________

Natasha’s smoothie has separated. The blended ingredients have floated to the top, and the green liquid has settled below. The abandoned smoothie sits on the edge of the counter, where she left it, only reaffirming your suspicions that she didn’t really want it in the first place. Dimly, you consider dumping Loki’s smoothie out. Maybe Natasha is right. But you don’t really want to waste any food, so you move to put his smoothie in the fridge. Maybe Thor will drink it later.  

(If he even likes them.) 

But as you open the fridge door, you notice the plate of leftovers you snagged yesterday is gone. The saran wrapped plate is missing, and you don’t think anyone would have taken it, except…? You look around for the plate. It’s not in the sink or left on the counter, nor lying in the dishwasher. You find it in the cabinets, placed directly on top of its companions.  

You’re confident that no one in this tower would clean their plate after eating, except maybe Steve. But Steve isn’t here — he made his famous lasagna last night because he was leaving for a mission early today. So really, that just leaves Loki.  

Is it possible that Nat was wrong? 

Did Loki take the food you left for him? And ate all of it? And cleaned up? 

You suddenly remember yesterday, walking in on Loki scrubbing blood off the floor. You can’t say you were surprised Thor had left a mess, but you were somewhat surprised Loki was cleaning it up. Maybe it is possible then.  

So you decide to bring the smoothie to Loki. 

First, you make a quick stop at your room. Your legs are really starting to sting, and you don’t want the sweatpants to dry onto your skin. Damn. You’re going to have to wash these again, and you just did laundry. But it’s okay, and soon you’re walking out of your room, clad in another pair of sweatpants and an oversized hoodie, holding Loki’s smoothie. 

You take the elevator and press the familiar button of Thor’s floor. Mentally, you’re once again debating whether or not this is a good idea. You’ve almost decided to just turn back when the elevator doors slide open and you make eye contact with Loki, who is standing awkwardly in the doorway of his room, one foot inside the door and one foot in the plush carpet of the Odinsons’ shared living room.  

His eyebrows are raised comically in an expression of surprise, and for a second you don’t see the intimidating god. 

But then the moment passes, and he straightens, eyes narrowing, eyebrows drawing together in a frown. “Can I help you?” 

A part of you — a large part of you — wants to leave immediately. To apologize for disturbing him and go back to your room. But another part of you, the one who caught a glimpse of Loki before he threw up his defenses, roots you to the ground.  

“Actually, yeah. I made you a smoothie.” You stick out your hand, ignoring the way it trembles slightly. “I know Thor’s smoothie probably tasted like shit, so I thought I’d make you one to show you how it's done.” 

When he doesn’t move, you step further into the living room and set the smoothie down. One of Thor’s hoodies is lying haphazardly across the coffee table, so you pick it up. Loki is staring at you. 

There’s an awkward silence, and you wish he would say something. Anything. But the raven haired prince is as stoic as ever. His eyes are still boring into your own and you can’t help but notice how strikingly different they are from Thor’s.  

Somehow, you’re engaged in a staring contest with the god — and you don’t really want to lose. In an effort, perhaps, to prove to yourself that you’re not weak (especially after the morning’s incident) you resist the increasing temptation to blink. You don’t want Loki to think you’re scared of him, even though you may be a bit wary , and you continue to stare into his eyes. 

They say eyes are the windows to the soul. If that’s true, Loki has a very — empty soul. It’s neither warm nor cold, just vacant . It’s almost as if you’re staring into the eyes of someone long dead.  

With that, you shiver, and surprisingly, Loki breaks the intense eye contact. He looks away then, and his head tilts downward.  

“Right then. I’ll just be on my way.” You hold up Thor’s hoodie. “I’m going to do some laundry. Do you have anything that needs to be washed?” 

You hope he doesn’t ignore you. You really don’t need that today. You just need to be productive. To do something — to help someone. And maybe he senses that, because Loki actually nods and walks back into his bedroom, leaving you to stand awkwardly in the middle of the lavish living space.  

A few moments later, Loki reemerges, effortlessly holding a laundry hamper.  

“Would you like me to take this down?”  

You’re a bit stunned by his unexpected and considerate offer, but your desire to prove yourself shines through.  

“Nah, I got it. Thanks.” 

With that, you lug Loki’s hamper and Thor’s hoodie out of their room, leaving Loki’s smoothie — and an intense hope he drinks it — behind. 

______________________________

Loki is an unbelievably neat person.  

His dirty clothes are folded — inside his hamper. And organized by article, as well as color. You don’t think he realizes how — awkward — it makes the entire process. After carefully shoving his button downs, slacks, sweaters, and jeans into the washer, you’re left with an interesting assortment of clothing.  

His undershirts are ridiculously soft, and you resist the urge to snag one. This isn’t Thor, you remind yourself. After piling them in, you stare at his hamper. Loki has folded his socks, which are paired together. You sincerely hope the washer doesn’t decide to eat one of them, as you doubt he understands the Midgardian concept of missing socks.  

Below his socks are… Loki’s boxers. You wipe away the mental image your mind involuntarily conjures and quickly dump the rest of the clothing into the washer, without touching anything.  

With that, you throw in Thor’s hoodie and your sweatpants, start the cycle, and leave, shaking your head.  

On the way back to your room, you realize that Loki has a very limited closet. All of his laundry had barely filled up his hamper, and you notice how most of his clothing consisted of somewhat uncomfortable items. You haven’t seen him around due to your break, but from his clothing you can assume that Loki has a very different fashion taste than Thor. Mentally, you make a note to slip him some of your oversized hoodies when returning his clothes.  

______________________________

You’re immensely thankful for Thor. He always seems to have the best — or worst — timing, and this time he has saved you from a rather embarrassing situation. 

You’re pulling Loki’s clothes out of the dryer (having already stolen Thor’s hoodie), and you’ve just started to fold his clothes. So far, you’ve shoved a forest green hoodie at the very bottom of the hamper, and you’re in the process of carefully layering Loki’s sweaters over it. Thankfully, the dryer is still mostly full, and you haven’t been confronted with the dilemma of handling Loki’s underwear again.  

Luckily, Thor walks in before you have to.  

“Are you doing Loki’s laundry, my lady?” His voice startles you and you jump, but manage to not drop Loki’s earthy brown sweater.  

“No,” you deadpan, “These are all mine.” 

Thor smiles that smile you’re so familiar with, and you can’t help but grin back. “Well, let me take it from here.” His grin falters for a moment, and he looks more serious when he continues. “Thank you Angel, for giving Loki a chance. I know he can be — difficult. And I wouldn’t blame you if you only saw the villain.” 

You meet Thor’s eyes, always filled with emotion — whether that be happiness or warmth, sadness or anger, and you think back to another pair of eyes. Soulless. You think of Loki, and you think of how you’ve seen those soulless eyes before; every single time you look into a mirror. And for a second, you let yourself believe that maybe Loki’s soul wasn’t voluntarily taken from him either. Maybe his cruelty is his defense, just like yours is the fake-happiness that you wear as a shield. 

“It’s no problem Thor.” You smile, your shield intact. “I couldn’t let him suffer with your smoothies forever, no matter how villainous he might be.” 

______________________________ 

Cruelty is just loneliness disguised as bitterness.  

- Tom Hiddleston 

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Previous Chapter  Next Chapter

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Taglist: @spacedaddydinn @doct0rstrange

[sword-brainrot]

Hello~! I'm the Anon who asked for the Saniwa with the part-time job.

Don't worry hc were enough! I don't want to cause more work for you :3

But those hc were good! Can I ask for the same thing but with Yagen Toushirou, Minamoto Kyomaru and Suishinshi Masahide!

Thank you ^^

Hello again!! I'm so happy that you enjoyed the previous ones!! They are always such a blast to write.

TW: violence, blood, burns/scars, S*icide mention

♡  Yagen wouldn't be at your café often but would show up from time to time. Normally when he was with some of his younger siblings (only like two because OH GOD). He would often be busy at the citadel doing any work you assigned him for that day or working on new medicine.

♡  Yagen has rarely any time to take a break. He is very much so a workaholic. You will always see him working on something, so it takes his brothers a lot of begging to get him to stop. When they do, it's to go to the café where you work. A lot of the younger swords miss you a lot when you are not at home.

♡  Yagen will take the chance of coming to visit you as a chance to buy stuff at stories for medicines he is working on or maybe a book to help him study. So often times, they will come into the café with some bags that he bought just before coming in.

♡  He will make sure that his younger siblings don't bother you when you are working! He will buy them a small dessert while ordering some tea for himself. He doesn't want to cause more trouble for you because he knows you are working hard to support everyone at the citadel and really admires you for it.

♡  That being said, he does worry about you a lot. Don't be surprised if you feel eyes on you while you work. As soon as you look over at him, he will advert his eyes and pretend he was just reading. In actuality he was trying to study your body language and facial expressions to make sure you aren't overworking yourself.

♡  They will stay at your café for about an hour, at most. Before he gathers them up and says one last goodbye before taking them home.

♡  When you do get home, you are not allowed to work all that much. He understands you have to do paperwork and assign jobs for the swords but he will make extra sure you are taking breaks and eating properly. So don't be surprised if you see him much more often around you after you get back. He will make sure to bring you tea, snacks, and maybe some sleeping medicine at night if you can't fall asleep.

♡  Customers are relatively patient and understanding, so he often doesn't have to worry all that much when you are working.

♡  So expect a very shocked Yagen walking into the café and seeing hot coffee being poured on you when the customer gets so angry for getting the order wrong. Shock quickly turns into pure anger. He will push his younger siblings away before dashing over to the scene.

♡  Yagen is one of the fastest Tantous. You won't even see him. It will be a blur in front of your eyes before you finally realize that Yagen had just dashed from the door to the other side of the café and right into the man. The man now knocked out, laying against the wall he was just driven into by Yagen.

♡  The anger quickly fades from his face since the man is no longer his concern. His attention is quickly brought over to you, worry on his face and he doesn't even attempt to hide it. His gloved hands with quickly find yours, and guide you quickly to the back to help you.

♡  His siblings will follow the both of you, very concerned about you. Expect Yagen to be very quiet during this time. It will be mostly his younger siblings asking you if you are okay and having small talk to you.

♡  Yagen will hold you very gently as immerse the burns in cool water. His treatment is fast but gentle. He won't look at you in the eyes as he puts on the lotion and bandages the burn. The most he will say will asking his siblings to be a little more quiet and careful around you.

♡  The first time he will look at you will be when he gives you a pill to relieve the pain that you must be feeling. His eyes will still look insanely worried for you and you will see his mouth in a straight line, as if he is holding back emotions. He can't let you or his siblings see him cry.

♡  Yagen had to see many people hurt, almost all of them being people he cares about deeply. Sometimes, they wouldn't make it and break/pass away. He knows you are fully human and a little more fragile than him and the rest of the swords. It is only then, when seeing you hurt, does he realize how terrified he is about losing you.

♡  Yagen had lost his previous master and his mastered used him to die. He doesn't want to lose you too. He is no longer just a blade, he can make sure he can protect you.

♡  After his emotions are more under control, he will declare; "My siblings care about you a lot. All the swords care about you a lot." He will look down as he continues, "I care about you a lot. So get better soon and when situations like that happen and get too dangerous... It's okay to run away and rely on us. It doesn't make you weak. So don't go pushing yourself too far or else I won't forgive you. There is only so much I can help heal..."

♡  When you get home, you will have your own personal nurse around. Yagen will be around much more now. He will make sure you have everything you need and make sure you aren't working too much so your wounds can heal. He is also going to be the sword that is constantly changing your bandages and making sure you are taking your medicine and resting. He isn't going to allow him to back sass him either. You are following HIS orders until you fully heal.

♡  He isn't going to prevent you from working or going back to the café, though. He knows you are responsible and will do what you wish but he wants you to be aware that everyone cares about you and will be there if you need them. As well as not pushing yourself too far.

♡  Minamoto will often times show up at the café! Normally in the afternoon with Suishinshi. Minamoto often challenges poor Suishinshi at the arcade and whoever loses has to pay for the winner's food and drink. Let's just say... Minamoto isn't the one paying often and you see a very angry sword hiding half his face in his collar because of it.

♡  Minamoto thinks it's great that you are working in the café because it seems like something you really enjoy doing! Even if it's stressful sometimes. He honestly wishes he could also work with you and help out around the café but knows that working there is on a strict schedule that he just can't follow due to being a Touken Danshi (sword warrior). He has to be prepared to work around the citadel or go off to missions any moment you say the word. He respects that too.

♡  Doesn't mean he doesn't do his own work though! He actually gets paid to win stuffed animals from claw machines for people and sometimes enters gaming tournaments around the town to try to win some money for you and the citadel. He wants to help too! In his own special way.

♡  Speaking of that, he is very good at claw machines! So if he knows you like a certain animal or character (or maybe he just thinks it's cute), he will win it for you and show it to you when he gets to the café to surprise you and bring up your day! He knows you two can't talk much while you are working but he wants to make you smile any way he can and brighten your stressful day.

♡  Even though he shows up often to the café, he doesn't stay too long. He doesn't want to take up too much of your time when he knows you are busy. He wants to relieve your stress, not add onto it.

♡  Minamoto will try to make you some of the drinks or desserts back at the citadel for when you return! It... does not taste the same. He can make it look pretty! The taste is lacking though. It's the thought that counts. He would love it if you two cook together and you teach him how to make it! Anything to get your mind off work and just enjoy your time away from it. Bonus points if you actually enjoy cooking.

♡  As everyone knows, Minamoto is actually a pretty chill person. He doesn't look for a fight and eager to welcome anyone new and let them know that he respects them. That being said, his emotions sometimes gets the best of him and doesn't want to confront them directly which might come off more passive aggressive.

♡  I bring this up because the side he shows when everything goes down will not be a pretty one.

♡  He will be having a little chat with Suishinshi as they enjoy their drinks (Suishinshi with black coffee where every time he takes a sip, it looks like he is getting hit but he has to look mature. And Minamoto with a very sweet smoothie that could probably rot your teeth if you're not careful) but then will hear the loud commotion coming not too far from them. As soon as Minamoto sees that it's you that is involved, he rushes to get up and protect you. Not wasting any moments and nearly throwing the table on it's side. The drinks that were on it, broken, on the floor.

♡  Even though he rushed, he witnesses you getting the hot coffee poured on you right in front of him. Just a little too slow to get there. Horror will be written on his face as he turns his attention to the man who just did that to you.

♡  Fury. The man lasts no chance before Minamoto has him on the floor and letting his anger get the best of him.

♡  It is Suishinshi that urges you to go into the back with a follow coworker to get your wounds handled. It is also Suishinshi that pulls Minamoto off the customer. The once angry customer is now beaten and bleeding badly. However he is still conscious and rushes to get away from the swords. Suishinshi understands how his friend his feeling but knows that he can't let his anger get the best of him... Not here.

♡  Suishinshi will be the one that goes into the back to see you and take you home. Minamoto will be no where to be found. He has to cool off before he can see you.

♡  You will find him much later, on the rooftop looking at the stars. He will be much more quiet than ever before and won't look at you if you sit next to him. It will take a while before you can hear his voice that sounds stressed, as if not wanting to let more emotions get out.

♡  "You should of ran. You didn't have to take what he was saying... You-" He would pause as he grips his cloak, "You didn't have to see that side of me."

♡  He doesn't mean to blame you and would apologize a lot when he realizes it comes off like that. He knows that it isn't /your/ fault. He has a lot of emotions welling inside of him as he thinks about the incident and now seeing your skin bandaged. He never wanted to see you hurt like that.

♡  If you touch him and get close, everything he was holding back would just break. He would be sobbing into your shoulder as he expressed how he was so scared that he was going to lose you and not protect you. How he wanted to not cause more stress for you but ended up being useless and causing so much more stress and hurt onto you. His hug will be tight but gentle to make sure to not touch any of the wounded areas.

♡  He cares about you a lot that sometimes he doesn't know how to react to some of his more darker emotions. He didn't mean for today to turn out like that. He promises to be better and make sure to never let his anger get the best of him like that again.

♡  Like stated above, Suishinshi comes to the café often with Minamoto! He will often complained that Minamoto dragged him along but in actuality, it was Suishinshi dragging Minamoto. Though, you don't need to know that he misses you often when you aren't in the citadel. He will keep that secret just between him and Minamoto. Minamoto knows not to tease him about it because he will get defensive and just not go, then gets all depressed for not seeing you. So instead, he just smiles and goes along with it. Anything for his best friend.

♡  Suishinshi still often pays for the meals and drinks when they go because Minamoto still brings him along to the arcade. If he wants to see you so bad, he has to play a few rounds with Minamoto.

♡  Although he is often angry about losing, he does cheer up quite a bit when you come over and smile at them before asking for their order. You may even see a small blush on his cheeks that he tries to hide with his collar.

♡  He still orders black coffee even though it is very clear he does not like it, at all. He wants to impress you and show you that he is very mature and can handle bitter foods/drinks! Though you can see Minamoto often laughing at him for trying to drink his cup and making a face each time... HE WILL DRINK IT ALL. He will not back down.

♡  Even after Suishinshi and Minamoto leave after their order, you will find him outside the café around closing time. He will act like he just came back to do some shopping but he will not be holding anything. He is really just looking for an excuse to be with just you and walk you home after work. Don't point it out, he has an image to uphold!!

♡  Will wrap his cloak/jacket around you if it's cold when you both are walking home. "You shaking so much is distracting me, just take it". You won't even be shaking but he will say you were anyway. His cloak/jacket is very warm! Personal heater sword right there. Though he gets cold often but will still want you to swear the cloak/jacket.

♡  Don't be too surprised if you still him glaring at other customers when he is in the café. If he sees anyone looking at you in interest, his eyes are locked on them and he is giving them the death glare. He won't stop until they get the note. If you ask him about it, he will reply very bluntly to you with "I don't like their face."

♡  He can be very rude to those not important to him. Especially those that are trying to do something with his master.

♡  He is trying to get better at expressing his emotions! Emphasis on try. Sometimes when you both just get home and you both are hanging up your coat, hat, and taking off your shoes, he will mutter very softly for you to hear; "Good work today" before running off. You can't even ask what he said or thank him because he is already gone by the time you hear it and look over to him.

♡  He wants you to know that he supports you in everything you do but is really bad at putting that into words. Even worst with confronting you directly about it without running away. Just know that he means it every time he does get it out! He cares about you a lot more than he is able to express.

♡  So when he sees someone causing you trouble in the café one day? Oh no... He doesn't wait and gets up right away. Minamoto is the one that tries to calm him down, saying that aruji (master) can handle it. They are very capable on their own as well! That is the only reason that Suishinshi hesitates for a moment.

♡  But it is in that moment when the situation grows dire and coffee gets splashed onto you. Both swords stand there in shock for a moment before rushing forward. Suishinshi wastes no further moments and quickly knees the customer in the stomach to make them topple over, onto the ground.

♡  However, he doesn't focus on them. Instead, he turns his attention onto you and gently grabs you to rush you into the back. Minamoto is the one that deals with the violent customer (this time a little more calm but still seething).

♡  "It's okay. It's okay.." He will keep repeating as he puts cold water on your burns. You are unsure if he is trying to reassure you or himself. You will see him on the slight panic mode as he tries to help your wounds. Him shaking rather bad and dropping any item he tries to hold and help. A coworker will have to come in and actually help bandage and take care of your wounds as Suishinshi is escorted out to calm down.

♡  As soon as you come out of the room, now bandaged up, you will see him pacing back and forth in the cafe. Minamoto trying to get him to sit down and breathe. As soon as he hears the door open, his eyes shoot over to you and he runs over. Grasping you gently as he starts to go on a tangent.

♡  "A-are you okay? Are you hurt badly? Can you walk? Oh god that was dumb, of course you can. How are your eyes? Can you see? How many fingers am I holding up? Do you remember my name? My liege, do you know how worried I was about you? You shouldn't of..." He would stop and look down at the ground as he tries to catch his breath that he wasn't aware he was holding, "You shouldn't of been the one that got hurt. I should of taken the hit and your pain. I am sorry for failing you as your sword. I have no right to the title of Touken Danshi."

♡  Don't expect to continue working for a while. Suishinshi is normally one to not give affection openly but after that incident, good luck getting rid of him from your side. He will be constantly trying to help you around the citadel and not letting you touch almost anything that could hurt you.

♡  Also expect him to constantly be cuddling with you (if you allow it). It is more for him than you. He wants to make sure he doesn't lose you and protect you.

♡  There will be times where he is cuddling you from behind, with his chin resting on your shoulder and another sword will come in, telling you about missions reports. Suishinshi will be glaring at them from your shoulder. Almost like a feral cat trying to tell people to leave their owner alone.

♡  Suishinshi will say that he won't allow you to go back to work but if you really wanted to, you could. He is just very paranoid of a similar incident happening again.

♡  When/if you do start working again, expect him to be there everyday for the first good while. He won't use Minamoto as an excuse anymore and will just be there by himself. He wants to make sure to protect you! It will take a long time before he will actually distance himself from you and not be at your side all the time. You might have to talk to him to let him know that it will be okay and that it won't happen again. Even then, he will be scared and still show up fairly often. He will break the habit overtime!

[chipsfics]

Part 1 - Introduction/Invitation

Part one of my currently-unnamed Inanimate Insanity fanfiction :)! Feat. Tissues and Yinyang. Some shipping but not a whole lot ;)

Rated: PG (A few heavy themes)

Hope you enjoy and much more to come !! :D

~~~~

Unlike Tissues, Yinyang knew he was going to be eliminated. Yin did, at least. He figured after a certain amount of time, the viewers just saw him as... Annoying. He had used up his entertainment value- Inanimate Insanity had packaged and squeezed dry his "quirks" of any and all comedy until they were just problems again. He was sure his other half knew elimination was at least a possibility- He was probably too preoccupied with his own thoughts, which sometimes blended together with Yin's. A lot of... "Everyone here hates me," and "I hate everyone here." Seemed like the situation was stressing them both out.

Weeks later, After they were all freed from the closet, Yinyang watched the episode where he was eliminated. Yinyang cried, not because he lost, but something kind of got tangled in his brain watching the way he acted. He was grinding his teeth watching the playback, Yang holding back tears and Yin letting them flow freely. If only, if only, if only. Needless to say, he didn't really remember a lot about what happened cooped up in that tiny closet. He mostly hid in the corner and tried not to grind his teeth down to his gums. Tissues, on the other hand, barely knew what was going on. One place to another, off a plane, rushing from iceberg to dodgeball court, grass field to bleachers- Next thing he knew he sneezed himself through a portal and ended up cooped up in a closet. Once the dizzy feeling cleared and he ended up face down, alone, in an empty closet with a locked door- One thing was abundantly clear: He lost. As usual. When another contestant stepped through the portal, the relief he felt was overwhelming- and as the closet filled up with eliminated contestants, the sense of relief he felt was replaced by self loathing and shame- Everyone else pretty much all hated him. As usual.

When they finally got a breath of fresh air, space to move around, personal rooms and even a breakfast juice bar- After everyone who came in contact with him was thoroughly sprayed down by Soap, nobody hated him anymore. They just didn't talk to him. Although, when he walked in the hallway, Soap would follow a safe distance behind him and clean where he last stepped with disinfectant. That didn't really help his self-esteem.

One quiet afternoon, everyone was still trying to settle into their new (but much nicer) living situations, Tissues got paired with the roommate who hated him the most. One Trophy horseplay, who was the one who stomped his face in more than a couple times while stuck in the closet. Of course, due to the technological advancements of melife, Mephone brought him back immediately after he got the death notification- bzz-ding, Tissues died again, to Trophy's frustration. Living with Trophy, he tried to keep all of his stuff in one corner- And he was kind of being shoved over by Trophy's ever-growing collection of sports equipment. Apparently he had nowhere to put it except for cluttering up their shared bedroom. He didn't have much things anyway- and he spent most of his time in the front game room. Tissues, Yinyang, and a few wanderers in and out every day in that same room, that same dinky game system, the same 4 outdated platforming games. He didn't remember the names of those old things, and he wasn't great at them anyway- It'd surprise you, but he didn't have the best hand-eye-coordination. 

Yinyang was also bad at them. He'd argue and curse and throw the controller and tug at the wires, Tissues would follow slowly behind him in co-op play. It was fun to play with someone who had the same skill level as he did, and it seemed like Yinyang had mellowed out a little from his appearance on the show- Having a bit more freedom and alone time seemed to make Yang calm down and Yin become cheerier and more friendly. If Tissues could say one Inanimate Insanity contestant was his friend- It was Yinyang. They had something big and terrifying in common- They were both freaks. The unlovable tend to find a way to love each other.

~~~~

Yaaaawn. Tissues stretched and looked at the clock- 11:30, about 3 hours earlier than when he usually woke up. He wiped the drool off his face, got up and feverishly brushed his teeth. He realized the breakfast bar was still open for another 30 minutes- More like 25 now that he'd dragged himself out of bed. OJ wasn't the world's most attentive hotel owner, but the breakfast bar seemed like something he was passionate about. There were rumors that he refilled the cereal dispensers by himself and doesn't let anyone else do it. Soap always threw a fit when someone else did the chores for her, although she seemed to have a quiet respect for OJ's breakfast bar. Tissues took the elevator down- He didn't trust himself to go down the stairs because of his vertigo. Lo and behold, someone else bumped into his hand reaching for the down arrow. It was Yinyang! 

"O-oh, go ahead, you first," Tissues said bashfully. 

"No, you first!" Yin chirped. "I assume we're both going down?" 

"Yeah, I'm gonna try and catch the last wave of breakfast, guyse. I'm not usually up this... SNIFF. Early," Tissues said, and jammed his finger into the down button, which started to glow a faint yellow.

"Wait, is the free breakfast thing still open?" Yinyang said, "The one where you can make waffles with the little do-it-yourself waffle iron?" 

"Is that what that is? I thought it was just a weird smoothie dispenser. I thought the stuff that came out of it tasted like waffle batter," He sniffed.

Yinyang laughed. Tissues would have been peeved, but it didn't seem like Yinyang was laughing AT him. That, or just the fact that his laugh was crisp and clear as a ringing bell. Tissues didn't think he heard him genuinely laugh a whole ton of times. It was nice. 

As they waited for the elevator to come up, Tissues noticed one of Yinyang's eyes blinking and drooping. Yang's side seemed to be sleepier than Yin's- His body lagging to one side until he had to jerk back into a standing position. Was it possible for one half to fall asleep and the other half to stay awake? DING. Tissues' train of thoughts was interrupted by the elevator door sliding open. They stepped in, and for the entire ride down Tissues fought as hard as he could not to sneeze- In a closed place like an elevator, that could be very annoying. More annoying than usual. The elevator ride was mostly silent and awkward- It seemed that Yang almost tried to fight on what button to press, but he was too tired and hungry to cause any trouble this early. It was a Saturday after all, the slowest days in the hotel, and once they made it downstairs to the breakfast bar, there didn't seem to be many contestants looking for something to eat so late. Tissues grabbed a paper plate and put a blueberry muffin on it, and got a small paper cup of orange juice. He noticed Yin and Yang were having some sort of quiet argument about what to get for a drink. Tissues couldn't help but overhear-

"Coffee." Yang spoke in a harsh whisper. "Not today, Water." Yin replied. "Coffee." "Juice, then." "Ok, Fine." "Apple juice." "I want orange." "Not today. Apple Juice feels more..." "Pure?" "Yeah." "Bull." "Let's just get our food, I'm too tired to argue." "..." "..." "Me too." 

Tissues seemed distracted, until Yinyang moved down the line and bumped him further down. He looked away, face flushed, and moved to the couch, flicking on the TV- He felt like he had just intruded on Yinyang's privacy, but Yinyang didn't seem to care. He'd grabbed apple juice and a pastry of some kind, filled with cream cheese. Yinyang and Tissues ate together, Tissues sitting on the carpet and Yinyang on the couch close by, both staring at the gameshow program that was playing on TV- something that aired often, it was starting to get old. That and the fact that the episodes are hard to tell apart. Same host every time, same backdrop, same formula. Because of this, Tissues' mind couldn't help but wander, and so did his eyes. Yinyang was focused intently on the tv, one hand, Yin's, tapping the sides of the paper cup and the other, Yang's, lifting the pastry to his mouth and taking a bite. They seemed to have figured out a good way to eat without arguing. 

"So," Tissues said, breaking the silence.

"Yes?" Yin said politely. 

"Can i sit next to you guyse?" Tissues asked. Yinyang looked a bit puzzled.

"Sure. Why not?" Yinyang said, "Just try not to get any of your germs on me." Yang grumbled. Yin pinched his arm. "Don't be rude," Yang growled, but once Tissues got up and hopped up onto the couch cushion next to him, Yang seemed to have forgotten about it. Tissues was so short he had to put in a lot of effort to get onto the couch- It was almost comical. Because of that, he preferred to sit on the ground. People seemed to prefer him down there anyway. It was kind of nice, up there, though, and honestly the only thing he felt different was... More comfortable, and taller. It was nice. He hadn't even noticed the TV program changing from the game show to an ad break- some kind of infomercial on chairs. 

"Sooo.... Do you want to go and check out the pool today? I've heard that there's like, complimentary towels. I haven't actually been there yet," Tissues said.

"Are you... asking us to hang out with you?" Yinyang said curiously. 

"Well sure," Tissues smiled. "We're friends, right?"

"Umm..." Yinyang's face flushed a bright red. "Of course!" Yin chimed. 

"Whatever." Yang added, clenching his jaw and slightly baring his sharp teeth.

"I just didn't wanna show up alone. Can you swim?" He asked. Yinyang looked away.

"Not really," He said, embarrassed. "It takes a lot of coordination, and Yin hates listening." Yang said aggresively. Yin glared at his other half. 

"Ohhh thats cool. I can't either," Tissues replied. "I was just planning on sitting by the side. Maybe putting my feet in- Its just nice to have like... uhh. SNIFF. Change of scenery... I like the chlorine smell." 

"Well that sounds nice!" Yinyang said. "But we need to go back to our room first, Right?" Yang sounded like he was directing the question less towards Tissues and more towards Yin. 

"Oh. Well that's ok. I'm here all day," Tissues said, pulling his mouth into a goofy half-smile. Yinyang finished off his apple juice and got up, silently turned and smiled towards Tissues, and walked away. Tissues wondered what he was thinking about. 

~~~~

[moccahobi]

It’s Raining Sharks Part 1 [TaeGi]

Summary: A sharknado! They’re real! Follow surfer Tae, badboy Yoongi, drunk Jimin, and intelligent Namjoon as they try to survive!

Genre: Sharknado AU, Horror (if you count sharknado as a horror movie), action, angst, 

Warnings: Gore, Excess alcohol use, grossly incorrect use of sharks, smoking, cussing, blood, a few sharks eat people, sharknado, guns, major character death

WC: 3.7k

A/N: This is for @thebtswritersclub​‘s monthly prompt! This month is monsters! And... @aroseforyoongi​ wanted a sharknado au! So... BOOM! And I am activly working on a part 2! And is also my submission for the Taegi square for @btsholidaybingo​!

Happy screams filled the cloudy skies as adults and children alike were running and playing along the soft sand. Frothing white waves crashed in the surf, people riding on top of them with concentrated faces. Despite the cloudy skies, it was a clear day and the lifeguards on duty were spread out on their perches, relaxing and taking the job easy. 

One of them, a caramel skinned man with deep purple hair and classic red lifeguard swim trunks on was even reading instead of doing his job. A slender finger pushed his round (and very dirty) spectacles back to a secure spot on his nose, the pair seeming to slide down endlessly in the heat of summer. Every once in a while, he raised his eyes and looked around the beach slowly to make sure that everything was ok and when everything was ok (as it always was), he went back to reading. 

Next to the reading lifeguard was a good looking brunette with sharp eyes and strong brows sprawled out on a rainbow beach towel, his other supplies sitting in the sand next to him. He’d been training for the past hour, his small speedo gently cupping and accentuating his body while allowing him to tan almost every part of him. Once he felt like he had been tanning for long enough, he got up and started to apply more low spf sunscreen. Through thick brows, the brunette checked out the lifeguard, his pink tongue momentarily peeking out and running across his lips, a small mustache and goatee framing them. The lifeguard didn’t notice or didnt care. 

Once the sunscreen had dried, the brunette took out a wetsuit from his duffle bag and got suited up, his board resting just a little ways away. Once suited, he picked up his board and ran off to the water. Silently, he looked back at the lifeguard to see if he was watching. His eyes were glued to whatever book he brought with him. 

In reality though, the water wasn’t nearly as safe as everyone thought it was. Rough skinned, mangled fanged sharks on their migration path south were passing by the beach. Blood thirsty and hungry, they could easily mistake a swimmer or surfer for a tasty snack. Yet as long as they didn’t breach, no one seemed to pay notice of the stalking swimmers as they leisurely patrolled from below, looking for a quick meal. One of the sharks wasn’t too stealthy though. It breached the surface of the water and its fin caught the attention of one of the working lifeguards. Very quickly after the fin was spotted, lifeguards were blowing their whistles, putting up a red danger flag and helping to get people out of the water. None of the sharks even had a nibble before the waters were cleared of people.  

Shortly after that, the purple haired lifeguard was back to reading his book and counting down the minutes until he could clock out and drink at the nearest bar. He had forty five minutes left. At the parking lot was the brunette, now in an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt (his chest was on display for all to see) and blue board shorts. He’d begrudgingly trekked back to his car after the red flags were raised, upset at only catching one good wave. The only thing that could have made his day worse was if it rained. That would completely ruin his plans of drinking a smoothie and relaxing in the sun. 

The sour stench of cigarette smoke drew his eyes up to a somber looking man in dark blue skinny jeans and a black leather jacket, his lips loosely puckered around a cigarette. He took one last drawl before throwing it on the ground and snuffing it out under chunky black boots, a wink shot at the surfer as he did so. 

Slowly he licked his lips and gave the brunette a once over, “I’m Yoongi.”

“I’m Taehyung.”

“Would you want to have a drink with me?”

“Sure.”

“Now?”

“Sure.”

“Well then… sure.”

Yoongi started to walk towards the closest bar as Taehyung quickly locked his car and ran to catch up with the gloomy man that he felt an attraction to. The two of them walked to the bar in silence, Yoongi focused on getting a drink in him and Taehyung struggled to find something to talk about. Once seated at the bar, Yoongi ordered two scotches.

“Oh. I don’t drink. I’ll have a sprite though!” Taehyung told the bartender.

Yoongi grunted, “How come?”

“I don’t like feeling drunk. Plus I don’t find most alcohol tasty.” 

“Makes sense. Alcohol is an acquired taste. I remember not liking it when I first had it.”

“And you like it now?” 

Yoongi snorted, “Yeah. Otherwise I wouldn’t drink it. Getting drunk is fun and all but I want to enjoy what I drink as well.”

While the two continued to talk (after finally finding something to talk about), the purple haired lifeguard came in, finally done with his shift, the man making a b-line to one of the bars regulars and a long time friend: Jimin. He had pastel pink hair that made him stick out like a sore thumb in the bar and always reeked of vodka… even when he wasn’t at the bar.

“They say a hoard of sharks are coming this way. Should we be scared, Doc Namjoon?” His words were slurred and he looked over at Namjoon with hooded eyes as he downed another shot of vodka. 

Namjoon snorted and rolled his eyes, “Of course not, Jimin. What the hell kind of conspiracy theories do you watch? Most sharks are completely harmless to humans. Some even really enjoy human interaction.”

“I watch really really…” Jimin smacked his lips, “Good things. Like three am documentaries on the… science channel.” 

“Wow. You must be so smart!” 

“I am! Like… I read one about… WOAHHH! You wouldn’t believe it,” Jimin giggled and grew animated, “A fucking tornado that… it… it sucked up sea life and took it allllll on land! It was… insane!”

“Sounds like a conspiracy theory. Or someone who doesn’t understand how nature works.”

“It’s true though! I promise!”

Namjoon snorted and gently patted Jimin’s shoulder, “Sure, buddy, and the movie The Meg is written about a real live event. Megalodons are totally real.”

“Well now you’re just being mean. Who's to say that sharks can’t be sucked into a tornado and survive?”

“Logic.” 

The two of them settled into a comfortable quiet, Jimin watching the nearest tv and Namjoon reading his book. The bar animated and alive as people celebrated a good day and relaxed after a hard day. Occasionally one could hear the loud laughs of a good conversation from Taehuyng and Yoongi, the two seeming to have hit it off well. The life in the bar suddenly stopped when the walls around them started to creak and groan, high winds pushing against them angrily. The only noise that one could hear was the newscaster on the tv talking about a tornado warning in the area.

Namjoon sighed and shook his head, turning to Jimin and speaking, “Whelp, you can’t drive and we should get somewhere safer than the beach so… come on up, Jimin.”

“What?! Namjoon, we have had so many tornadoes, why would this one possibly be different?” Jimin complained, grabbing the bar stool he sat on nonetheless and following behind Namjoon. 

“The fact that you haven’t been hunkering down is alarming.” Namjoon sighed and shook his head, not even paying mind to Jimin trying to steal the bar stool.

Before they even made it halfway across the bar, something heavy hit against one of the bar walls and shook the whole establishment. Everyone stilled as Yoongi slowly got up and looked out the window but aside from the grey skies of an approaching tornado, there wasn’t anything they could see.

WHAM!

Yoongi ducked down quickly, narrowly avoiding a whole shark as it came flying through the window, its tempered glass shattering into millions of small cubes. The thing flopped around angrily biting at anything and everything it possibly could. People anxiously jumped out of the way and ran towards the exit, even the bartender abandoned his post to leave the building. Yoongi was the first of the four left in the bar to reach, him grabbing one of the stools and jabbing it furiously at the shark with an angry yell. One of the dull legs of the seat punctured the sharks rough skin as blood spurted out from around it. 

Yoongi stabbed the shark a few more times, a grunt leaving him as he did so before the shark eventually stopped snapping at its surroundings. 

“WHAT THE FUCK! THAT WAS A FUCKING GREAT WHITE THAT-” Namjoon couldn’t believe what he just saw. 

A great white shark was flung through the bar’s window by a tornado.

“A SHARKNADO! I TOLD YOU IT COULD HAPPEN!” Jimin yelled happily, climbing over the bar to grab the entire bottle of tequila.

“Wha… what the hell?” Taehyung muttered, anxiously looking at the shark as if it was about to come alive again and kill him.

“It’s ok Taehyung. I will protect you. You have a big car right? I don’t think it would be safe for me to ride my motorcycle home.” Yoongi asked, turning his attention to Taehyung and trying to comfort the shocked man.

Taehyung could only focus on the blood splatter on Yoongi’s face as he silently nodded, opening and closing his mouth anxiously as he tried to formulate more words. 

“E-excuse me?” Namjoon spoke up suddenly, interrupting the tender moment between Yoongi and Taehyung and blushing as he did so, “Y-y-you probably don’t know me but I see you around a lot and I drank too much to be able to drive right now and,” He looked over at Jimin who was cuddling his chair as he nursed the bottle of tequila, “My friend is not in a state to drive… could you drive us to a safe place too? I promise we aren’t bad people!”

Yoongi coughed and gave Namjoon a once over, clearly not liking the idea.

“Namjoon, right? We’ve talked a few times. You’re the lifeguard who never actually works.”

Namjoon nodded.

“Sure… you can… just please make sure your friend doesn’t vomit in my car.” 

At that the four of them cautiously exited the bar before making a run (well as fast of a run as possible with Jimin) as people around them panicked and sharks were crashing into various objects. Namjoon even watched in horror as a large goblin shark crashed into his beloved lifeguard tower and started to eat the wood! Goblin sharks never got this close to shore, let alone on it! What type of craziness was this?!

By the time that the four of them had managed to get into Taehyung’s car, a fucking megamouth shark plowed through the bar. A gnarled brick and wood pile laying where the bar once was. 

“WHAT THE FUCK! WHAT THE FUCK! THIS CAN’T BE HAPPENING! THIS ISN’T LOGICALLY POSSIBLE! TWO DEEP FUCKING SEA SHARKS JUST… WHAT THE FUCK!” Namjoon was yelling, tightly holding onto Jimin in fear as he looked out as flying sharked swallowed people whole.

 “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING, DUDE?! DON’T LEAVE- HE’S LEAVING THE CAR WHY IS HE LEAVING THE CAR?!” Namjoon continued to yell as Yoongi ran to his motorcycle and grabbed his concealed gun. 

“Woah. Yoongi, I don’t know about having a gun in here.” Taehyung said quietly as he cautiously eyed the gun that Yoongi clasped tightly. 

“Taehyung, how else are we going to fight these sharks? We don’t have another stool… other than… What’s your name?” Yoongi leaned back and looked at Jimin who scoffed and said his name. 

Taehyung sighed and shook his head before he started driving, quickly trying to drive away and avoid the flying sharks. Before their car could even get a mile, a large wave crashed over them and pushed Taehyung’s car almost half a mile away from where they had started. It shook the car violently and they could hear some sort of things hitting his car with loud THUMPS and THWAKS as water rushed by them. For the four of them, it felt like the moment was going to last a lifetime (and possibly be their last), but it only lasted half a minute before they had stopped moving, maybe an inch of water coating the ground now. 

When the waves finally did stop, the car was dead silent, Yoongi having instinctively grabbed Taehyung’s hand and Namjoon fearfully holding onto Jimin as he looked anxiously out at the car. 

Taehyung looked down at Yoongi’s hand and blushed, gently intertwining their hands before he looked around. He couldn’t be sure from the sharks squirming around the land and biting at everything in their path, but he was fairly positive that at least one of the things that hit their car was not a shark. Carefully he surveyed the road now in front of him. There didn’t seem to be any real dangerous things in the road that could pop one of their tires and with that in mind he once again started to drive, the car silent and tense. 

Of course none of them were prepared for what was to come. No one in the entire city would ever be prepared for the monster that the tornados had seemed to conjure up. The tornado seemed to suck up a beast that was more ferocious and scary than any of the other ones combined. And it was angry. Very angry.

Above the water, a water filled tornado had already made its way on land, spewing sharks every which direction that were causing mass destruction. From the tornado itself consuming whole buildings and leaving rubble behind to sharks flying angrily through the air and consuming anything that got in their paths before eventually dying from a lack of air, nothing and no one seemed to be safe. 

��All I am saying is that you often see these waves come in bouts of three… the last of which is always the strongest. If you really want us to get to safety, you need to put the pedal to the medal, Taehyung. I don’t want to be around water by the time the third wave comes.”

“I get that, I really do, Namjoon… but the cops here are ruthless. I don’t want a ticket. Natural disaster or not, I don’t want my record being tainted.”

Namjoon scoffed as Yoongi shook his head with a light smile, “Don’t worry, Namjoon. I’ll protect us.” 

“With your gun?! Are you crazy dude!? There are literal fucking sharks eating people whole and the water tornados! You really think a gun will do shit?”

“Totally. Plus, we can always stop somewhere and get extra stuff. I am pretty handy. I’ve dealt with sharks a ton in the past.” A distant look crossed Yoongi’s face, his mind clearly off in a distant land.

“Hey Namjoon?” Jimin mumbled from Namjoon’s embrace (who was still using the poor drunk like a stress ball), “Do you think that we’re going to die?”

“What? No, no. We won’t die, Jimin. Don’t worry. I’ll protect you. We’re going to survive.”  Namjoon punctuated what he said with another squeeze of Jimin before he finally let go and seemed to grow his composure.

“We probably want to actually think about where we are going… instead of just generally going inland.”

“Hmm… I was thinking that we could go to the inland. Like the part of town.” Taehyung said, anxiously tapping his steering wheel as he maneuvered around sharks.

“Taehyung.”

“Yes?” 

“The inland isn’t actually inland… you know that, right? It’s literally half a mile from the beach! Just slightly north!” Namjoon started shouting angrily.

He opened his mouth to keep yelling at Taehyung, another harsh wave crashed into the side of the car. From the force alone, the windows shattered and from Taehyung’s reflexes with driving, the car suddenly stopped. Jimin, who forgot to put his seatbelt on, went flying forwards and roughly hit his head against Yoongi’s seat before falling limply in his own lap. Namjoon on the other hand, was once again screaming, salty water filling his open mouth as he looked into the mouth of a large bull shark excitedly swimming into the now broken passenger window. In the rush of the wave continuing to pass through the car, a new, redder liquid started to merge. By the time the car passed, everything (and everyone) was coated in a faint pink color. 

Once the wave had passed the car, Taehyung and Yoongi were left staring back in horror at the bloody and half eaten body of Namjoon, their minds rushing to process what had happened. When Taehyung’s mind finally caught up, he immediately rushed to leave the car, his fingers stumbling to unbuckle himself and unlock the door before leaving the car with a strangled cry and budding tears. By the time Yoongi had left the car and reached Taehyung, the man was hyperventilating and crying. He hadn’t known Namjoon well but the two of them talked every once in a while and he never wanted him to die. Hell before he met Yoongi (and if things with Yoongi didn’t work out), Taehyung was still playing with the idea of asking Namjoon out. 

Yoongi shushed Taehyung quietly and gently wrapped Taehyung in a hug, the soft gesture seemingly uncommon for the stiff man. The two stayed there for an unknown amount of time before a scream from the car changed their attention. Jimin was clambering out of the broken car window, his eyes wide with fear before they landed on Taehyung and Yoongi.

“Were you fuckers going to just leave me in there?!” Jimin yelled angrily, walking over to them and wiping the fresh tears off his face. 

“Sorry, Jimin.” Taehyung looked down sadly, “I was shocked too… I… Fuck. This is such a scary time. I don’t know what to do.” 

“We need to go to a gun store. That is what we need to do.” Yoongi said calmly.

“What?”

“A gun store. We need to go get more guns. The wave ruined the only gun I had.” 

“We need to get to safety! That is what we need to do.” Jimin yelled again, “Namjoon said so!”

“And how can we get to safety without a gun?! We can’t use your fucking barstool to keep sharks at bay.”

“You used a stool before.”

“Guys…” Taehyung’s weak voice interrupted them with an uncertain wobble, “Can we please get a move on and not fight? We can find a store that sells guns and some other things… I don’t want to be here here or without something somewhat protecting us from any more waves.”

Yoongi looked over at Jimin as if to ask if that was ok before the three of them started walking along the road, neither of their electronics working. They were forced to walk along the road and take the first exit. At one point the three of them climbed up a tree at the edge of the road and waited for another wave to pass as wind dangerously whipped at their faces, hoards of sharks rushing past. They didn’t risk climbing down until all the sharks that were left in the area by the wave had passed. In the sky, they could see a tornado angrily throwing sharks left and right almost 100 miles ahead of them. None of them smart enough to notice that they couldn’t see its position change… which meant that it was on a path right to them… none of them observant enough to notice one specific, ancient looking shark that was angrily twisting and turning in the tornado. Somehow they managed to make it to an almost completely abandoned parking lot in front of a run down Hilton Hotel, one large, lone truck. 

Yoongi stopped and eyed it, Jimin distractedly meandering ahead and Taehyung waiting for Yoongi to say something, “We should steal it.”

“The… the car?”

“Yeah. We won’t make good headway on foot and we can’t easily guess when another wave will come. It would be safer.” 

“It’s illegal, Yoongi.”

“It would save us time and protect us from another wave, Jimin.”

“The last car didn’t protect Namjoon.”

“This one has larger wheels though. And it protected us during the first wave.” 

Before Jimin had any chance of arguing more, Yoongi tried opening one of the doors before grabbing a rock nearby and smashing one of the rear windows open to unlock one of the doors. 

“Well now that one of the windows is broken how will it protect us!” Jimin yelled angrily before going off on a rant as Yoongi worked on hot wiring the car and Taehyung floundered between the two. 

He had no idea what to do or what was better but as he anxiously looked at the still tornado, he knew he didn’t want to be outside for much longer and quickly climbed into the shotgun of the car. With a breath of relief from Yoongi, the car reved to life and Yoongi buckled in. 

“Well?” Yoongi looked over at Jimin who was angrily standing a solid ten feet away and gripping his barstool tightly, “Are you going to get in or is this where we part ways?” 

“I will not take part in illegal activities. A natural disaster or not. If you’re smart, Taehyung, you’d join me.”

Taehyung anxiously looked between Jimin and Yoongi, both of which were looking at him and waiting for his decision. What was he supposed to do? This was a matter of life and death… surely it wouldn’t be the end of the world if he did a few illegal things to stay alive… but did he want that hanging on his conscious? 

With one anxious look back at the tornado… which… somehow… seemed to look a little close, he resolutely closed the door and buckled in a small “Sorry.” leaving his mouth before Yoongi drove off, leaving Jimin in the dust, his frame getting smaller the farther they went. 

[apollo-writes-random-shit]

omg!! please please please do gasoline with race!!

Ahhhhhh! Sorry, this took so long! I wrote this like three or four times and I’m still not 100% happy with it lol. I did some research and it turns out the song is actually about Halsey’s struggles with mental health while being in the spotlight so I used that but don’t worry! This has a happy ending!

Song requests

AO3 copy

Are you insane like me?

He was pretty sure every kid at some point had wanted to be famous and here he was. Gone from causal dancing to acting and singing, all thanks to a small show that had been secretly visited by a talent scout. Multiple doors had opened for the young teen but with the fame came extreme expectations and with those expectations came extreme stress. 

Everything seemed to be dictated by his manager, one William Snyder. As grateful as he was for the jobs Snyder had landed him, he was driving Race insane. Every single little thing was scrutinised, from the things he ate and drank, to even his hairstyle when he went out. His smile had to be perfect every time to 'keep up his image' but it got tired having to look perfect all the time. 

Don't get him wrong, he adored his fans but at the same time, he wished he could go out without being stopped every five minutes for photos and videos, being made to repeat lines constantly. 

Been in pain like me?

Every day left him exhausted, even if he had only been shopping. Everything had to be perfect to make sure he avoided any bad publicity. He was still young so why ruin his career so early? 

Sighing, Race stared at his schedule. Countless practises for both dances and an upcoming audition filled every day, leaving him with almost no time for himself. He had only a few hours after evening practice and he knew he'd spend most of that sleeping. 

He could already feel the pain that would come with everything. Today's practise had already wiped him out, body flowing with pain. After being scouted, Race had discovered muscles he didn't know existed thanks to the pain that came with the job. 

However, he could deal with the physical pain but the mental pain? Not so much. He knew the others were getting worried about him but it didn't stop him from following all of Snyder's strict rules...Even if it caused him to throw up some mornings and night before practice. 

Bought a hundred dollar bottle of champagne like me? Just to pour that motherfucker down the drain like me?

Well, he followed most of the rules but Race liked to have fun, even if that meant drinking some nights, whether it be cheap beer or expensive champagne, he'd take it, only to pour whatever remained down the drain the next morning in shame before scrubbing his teeth to get rid of any hint of the alcohol that was forbidden.

That's what he was currently doing, letting the taste of his toothpaste take over the taste of morning breath and expensive champagne. Rising the toothbrush, he chuckled softly as he licked his lips, savouring the artifical taste of bubblegum. Despite the event happening over a week ago, Race could still see Jack's face when he walked out of the bathroom carrying it. He knew he wasn't a kid but that wouldn't stop him from buying the 'kiddie' toothpaste, no matter how 'disappointed' it made his older brother. 

Would you use your water bill to dry the stain like me?

Walking out to the kitchen, he noticed the damp paper resting on the table, causing him to shake his head. He had spilt a little of his drink on the table and mopped it up with the closest thing which appeared to be the bill he opened last night. 

Not that it mattered, he could still read it which meant he'd be able to know who to pay. That and he had read it last night and despite getting drunk, his sharp mind still remembered every word. 

He would concern himself with that later, instead focusing on making his breakfast smoothie before rushing out that door, hoodie pulled over his head to hide his face in the short run down his driveway. Sure, no one was around but that didn't mean he wasn't paranoid about being spotted. He already had to deal with stalkers and so far, none of them had found his house and he'd like to keep it that way thank you very much. 

Softly singing along to the radio, he grinned to himself as set off, heading towards the dance studio. Sure, Snyder was going to be there to see his progress which meant he'd have to work harder. At least Romeo and Tommy always gave him good criticism instead of berating him when they taught him a new move. Even in Tommy Boy would jokingly kick his feet into the right position while telling him to keep up. Out of everyone he had been taught by, the two were his favourite. Tommy would teach him the dances while Romeo took care of the acting and like almost everyone, they thought Race should get rid of the man. 

Are you high enough without the Mary Jane like me?

Shaking the thought out of his head, he pulled into the car park, flipping his hood back up before speedwalking inside. 

It was only when he got inside the studio that he relaxed, something that always happened. Sure, most of the time sometimes he'd walk out and there would be a small crowd outside the building which he found awkward considering he was still all sweaty and smelly. There was only so much a towel and deodorant could do until he had access to a shower. Sure, the dance studio had showers but honestly, Race didn't like them. He also felt awkward showering in a building where his fans might find a way to sneak in. He might love his body but he didn't feel like having nudes of him spread across the internet where anyone could access it.

"Damn, look who finally showed up."

"I'm late by one minute Tommy Boy. Traffic was horrible." 

"Whatever, warm-up you dork." The Australian chuckled, scrolling through the playlist, trying to decide which routine to have his friend start with. Subtly, he clenched his jaw as another presence filled the room. He really didn't like when Snyder was in the studio but unfortunately, he had no say. He knew the man liked to see that his client was actually making progress. Sure, some of his dancers would have their manager show up occasionally but Snyder came twice a month to take notes on Race before taking the teen to the side to lecture him, almost like he was trying to undermine everything he had been taught. He really hated him in all honestly but hey. He couldn't fire him, only Race could and considering the number of gigs Snyder had landed him, he doubted he'd be let go anytime soon. 

Race shook out his limbs after stretching, pretending that he didn't sense the tension between his manager and instructor. If he ignored them, he could actually focus properly. He had learnt during the first few sessions that Snyder had sat in, that if he let the tension distract him, he'd slip up and get a long lecture about how he had to 'focus more if he wanted to nail a role'. So, he just pretended to be alone, letting the music flow through him. As cheesy as it sounded, Race liked to pretend that he was one with the sound. The noise was his dance partner, the leader of the pair. He followed its gentle coaxing willingly, allowing it to control every step.

It gave him a high that nothing could replicate, no matter how hard he had tried in the past. Dancing gave him something that he couldn't explain. Something that couldn't be described. He was addicted to it.

He allowed himself to come to a stop, his partner leaving him with a gentle caress and smile. Race grinned at himself in the mirror, slowly coming down from his high, allowing himself to relax, calmly walking over to his duffle bag, yanking his towel out before wiping his face off. As much as he loved dancing, he didn't like the sweat that came with it. 

Do you tear yourself apart to entertain like me?

Tommy's compliments were cut off by the clearing of someone's throat and the two turned to look at Snyder who was lounging in a chair in the corner. "Your turns were sloppy Higgins. You fell out of a few turns, your feet weren't pointed during one of your jumps and your arms looked strange. You need to work on those."

"With all due respect sir, I believe he did quite well."

"Clearly you weren't paying close enough attention to your student Manchester. We all know he can do better. If he nails this video, even more doors will open for him and surely you want that for him."

"I do but."

"Then you'll allow me to critique my client. I want what's best for him after all." 

Race sighed. "I'll work harder. It's okay." Sure, he knew he was overworked as it was, but he could always try harder. There was always room for improvement after all.

Tommy just shook his head, knowing what Snyder wanted was a fat paycheck. Race wanted to please everyone and that included Snyder, even if the man pushed him past the point of breaking. Once discovering that Race had an empty basement, Snyder had pushed him into turning it into a mini studio for extra practice and would often visit to watch and offer more 'corrections' when really, he spent most of the time on his phone, only sparing glances up at the mirrors, pushing the teen to almost the point of collapse before lecturing him at the way he had become so wobbly. He didn't care that the boy was tearing himself apart in hopes of earning the praise he had been craving all his life. Race lived to entertain people and so far, he had failed to fully impress Snyder. 

Do the people whisper 'bout you on the train like me?

Buttons sighed as he listened to the faint sound of music, vibrating through the wooden floor. He was there to do final adjustments to Race's costume for the video tomorrow and wasn't surprised that he'd be found in the makeshift studio. Whispers floated around not only Race's friends but some of Buttons' friends in the clothing industry. Race seemed ready to fall apart and it was a waste of talent. He was being pushed too far and from Buttons had learnt, had recently been pushed into modelling as well, taking up even more of his time, leaving him more exhausted than normal. 

Saying that you shouldn't waste your pretty face like me? And all the people say...

Shaking his head, Buttons headed down steps, rapping on the door to inform the other of his presence, watching as he stumbled slightly. Race had been sucked into the whirlwind of fame, dragged into an uncaring industry, one deadset on farming out copies and copies, ones that would give them the cash they craved. 

It destroyed every member they took in, ruining their minds and bodies until they were dumped, left to eventually fade away, replaced with a newer shiny version. As famous as someone was, it was surprisingly hard to be remembered. Making something that everyone remembered for years to come might be somewhat easy, but having your name in everyone's mind for years? That was much harder. 

Fame was a dream for a lot of people but that dream would turn into a nightmare quickly. 

You can't wake up, this is not a dream, you're part of a machine, you are not a human being.

Buttons loved seeing his work in videos but looking at the way his crafts looked on Race's skinny shaking body made him feel sick.

"Really. You need to take better care of yourself."

"Gotta look my best Buttons." Race just grinned, brushing off the concerns like normal.

"Tony seriously. Everyone's telling you the same thing. You need to eat more." The tailor shook his head, scanning the other's body to spot anything off with it. "You always look ready to collapse and you're shaking!"

"Buttons...I'm just following what's set out for me."

"Don't you think it's going a bit far?"

"Nah. It's fine. After all, it could be worse." Race just shrugged, holding his arms up when prompted. 

With your face all made up, living on a screen.

While talking to Buttons was always fun, Race was relieved to see him leave. Whenever he spoke to someone alone, they always told him to drop his manager. That he looked like he was five seconds away from being rushed to the nearest hospital. 

It didn't help that Snyder had become stricter later, criticizing his body and form more than normal, not caring that he was breaking his spirit. He was one of many, easily replaceable in the mind of the industry, something that Snyder liked to remind his client of constantly, claiming that it was 'in his best interest that he followed everything to the letter', forcing him to practise harder whenever he strayed from the harsh guidelines he set out.

Low on self-esteem, so you run on gasoline.

Requesting time off just brought another lecture. Hell, Race had to beg and fight to be allowed to take his birthday off and out of everything the man had done, that's what pissed Race's friends and family off the most. Jack had been close to demanding the man's address or phone number, only for Davey to stop him. It was no secret that Jack and Snyder had bad blood, disagreeing over what was best for the dancer/actor. Jack had known him all of his life while Snyder had only known him for roughly two years. 

Race hated the relationship between his manager and older brother but did his best to never let it trouble him. He desired to be on his A-game at all times after all and any form of tension would throw him off, only causing him to work harder than any other day. Snyder constantly likened him to every other young celebrity out there, reminding him all the time that he was replaceable, that he had to work harder if he wanted to keep up with the industry. That he was...Already stumbling behind. 

I think there's a flaw in my code.

The man acted like Race wasn't trying at all...That all the hours he put in meant nothing. That Race was acting like he 'didn't care about his job'. Like he was...Broken in some way and that strict behaviour just increased when he had handed him a slip of paper given to him by a professional. A diagnosis for depression, anxiety and bipolar disorder. He hadn't been super happy to find out that his client was mentally ill and that the paperwork even pointed out that he was overworked and just pushed him harder. 

Voices pushed at him from both sides. Drop him some said. He's working you too hard others chimed in. You need to work harder if you want to succeed in the industry kid one kept saying and for some reason, he kept listening to the single voice, despite the fact he knew he wasn't meant to. He needed to drop him and he would, after this music video and movie audition though.

Well, my heart is gold and my hands are cold.

Race sighed, shaking his head. Focus Higgins. In a month, you can find someone new. Darcy, Bill and Kath can find you a new one. He stretched, smiling at himself in a mirror. He'd be okay, he could last a month. 

He pretended Snyder's not so subtle jabs at his diagnosis. The man hadn't been pleased when he found out about Race's ADHD, clearly 'trying' to hide the way he felt about the whole thing. That he didn't think Race was 'unstable'. That he was 'broken'.

Are you deranged like me? Are you strange like me? Lighting matches just to swallow up the flame like me?

He growled in annoyance when he fell out of a turn again, glad he was alone. It wasn't his fault he was so stressed! He was being pulled at every end, each person claiming they just wanted the both for him. With his mental health 'issues' dumped on top of that, Race wanted to scream and tear his hair out. He hated this. Hated the worried looks from his friends and family. Hated the harsh tone from Snyder used when he was giving him 'constructive' criticism. 

He wasn't at fault here! He was just trying hard so why did it seem like everyone was trying to pull him to their side? Sure, what he was doing wasn't the healthiest but he had to work hard to keep up with the fast pace workforce. Sure, he could stand to gain a few pounds but he could always do that later. 

Do you call yourself a fucking hurricane like me? Pointing fingers 'cause you'll never take the blame like me?

"I'm just worried Race..."

"I know Jack. I know you hate Snyder, that he's an asshole, that you think he's ruining my life. But, without him, I wouldn't have gotten so many gigs."

"Tony, please. You need to drop him. You don't look healthy, you're never able to go out anymore, you're being worked to the bone." Jack frowned as he looked at his brother. "I get that you love your job but you need to take time for yourself as well."

"Look. I'm already planning to drop him after this audition...It's just a month Jack. Please. Give me that and I'll drop him."

"Promise? I'm sick of his bullshit Tony..."

"I promise."

And all the people say, you can't wake up, this is not a dream.

"Again." 

Race nodded, restarting the music before throwing himself into the dance again.

"You're distracted, Higgins."

"Sorry, sir. Just got a lot on my mind lately..." 

"You need to focus. If you don't you'll fall behind and fail. Restart."

You're part of a machine, you are not a human being. With your face all made up, living on a screen.

Race honestly wasn't sure if Snyder even knew what he was talking about when it came to his dancing but still, he took his words to heart, letting them crash through his weak walls again as he started the dance yet again, letting the music wrap itself around him, allowing it to bring him both a familiar rush and familiar comfort. 

The comfort that came with the music was his favourite kind of comfort. He never had to seak it out. Never had to send a text or make a call. All he had to do was press a button and it was there, ready to hug him and bring him a calm distraction from whatever was bothering him, sometimes wiping away any tears that would run down his cheeks, drawing a watery smile from him.

Low on self-esteem, so you run on gasoline.

"What the fuck do you mean you're firing me? I'm the one who got you this damn role! You would be a nobody without me Higgins and you know that!" 

Race looked at the man's angry face. "Leave my house, Snyder. We're done here. While I am thankful for the work you have done, I need to focus on what I feel is right for me and I believe what is right is us parting ways."

"You're making a big mistake Higgins. I can ruin your damn life! I got you that role and I can fucking take it away from you! You'll regret this! I'll fucking leak your damn address!" 

I think there's a flaw in my code.

"You can not ruin my life, Snyder. You even try and I'll make sure everyone knows what you've been doing. I'll let everyone know how hard you've pushed me. How you've forced me to dance right after throwing up. Believe me, Snyder. I can and will let them know. I've dealt with this for too long."

These voices won't leave me alone.

"You've let those people poison you! They know nothing!"

"Romeo and Tommy have been working in this industry for years. Longer than you have and I trust their judgement."

"I'll get their places shut down!"

"Keep talking Snyder...You're just digging yourself a bigger hole."

"The fuck are you talking about?"

Race smirked, holding up his phone. "I've looked up the laws. We have a one-party consent law here meaning I can record this conversation without your permission and that's what I have done. I recommend you leave now."

Snyder scoffed, storming out. "You'll regret this!"

"And you'll regret being so strict! Goodbye William~" 

Well, my heart is gold and my hands are cold.

[halsteadpd]

Protein Smoothies

It all started on Friday night.

Erin was out clubbing with some of her coworkers—she was the self-proclaimed DD, wanting to make sure everyone got home safe when she almost didn’t make it herself.

She was getting the girls into the car when she felt someone roughly tug on her elbow and grab her purse. She tried to fight back but the masked assailant was much bigger and stronger than her. Being an elementary school teacher meant not having many risks—she also had a fast metabolism so she didn’t put on much weight and muscles on her body were close to non-existent.

She tasted blood when the man hit her in the face, she thought she was a goner until she saw one of the bouncers from the club slam the guy to the ground.

For the rest of the weekend she had been shaken up and the bruise covering her right cheek was a sick reminder of what happened. Even in the comfort of her apartment she felt as if someone was going to jump out at her and attack, only this time there wouldn’t be a muscular bouncer to come to her aid.

It was time for change.

Erin didn’t want to feel weak anymore.

Thankfully it was the summer holidays and all she had was time on her watch. She was going to make a positive difference in her life this vacation.

On Monday morning, Erin called the gym down the street from her apartment, wanting to get in contact with a personal trainer. She spoke to a woman on the phone who told her that she would need to come in for a consultation with her trainer before starting on a program so that he could tailor it based on her needs.

Tuesday morning rolled around and Erin was starting to feel nervous. She had never worked out in her entire life. Sure she went for a run here or there, but the weight room intimidated the hell out of her. There was so many different machines and benches that she wouldn’t know what to do with all of them. Not only that, but seeing all the toned women with curves and the jacked men who could probably snap her like a twig just made her feel all the more self conscious.

She had half a heart to just skip the gym and cuddle up on her couch to read—wanting the comfort and privacy of her apartment, but Erin was determined.

When she made it to the gym, she sat outside in her car, staring at all the different people coming in and out. Since it was midday it didn’t look too busy and she was thankful for that. If there wasn’t many people, she could definitely do this.

She made her way into the gym and towards the front desk before letting the attendant know that she was there for an appointment. After being told to wait while he made his way to the desk, Erin took a look into the vast gym.

Not even a minute later, she heard her name being called out by a deep male voice from behind her. When she turned around, she came face to face with the most gorgeous blue eyes. He was wearing a tight t-shirt that had the gym’s logo on his left pectoral. His arms fit snug in the short sleeves and she thought about how he could probably rip it if he flexed even a tiny bit. His left bicep also had the edges of a tattoo that she was sure extended onto his shoulder and chest. He wore fitted sweatpants that also showed off the muscles in his legs and Erin found herself speechless to say the least.

“I’m Jay.” He held out his hand to shake her own and when she took it, she couldn’t help but think about wanting his hands all over her.

“Erin...Lindsay. Erin Lindsay.” She stammered.

“Well Erin Lindsay, how about we take a quick tour of the gym before we get started on the consult?”

Jay walked in front of her, showing her the countless pieces of cardio equipment and cable machines before taking her into the free weight section. Erin honestly didn’t hear a word come out of his mouth. All she could focus on was the muscles in his back that moved with him as he would move his arms. She had a strong urge to reach out and touch it but not wanting to get off on an awkward foot, she tried her best to listen to what he was saying.

“We don’t have separate men’s and women’s change rooms which I apologize for if that’s not something you’re comfortable with. We have one universal locker room that everyone including staff use but it’s pretty big so it’s nice if you’re here with friends.” Jay said as they made their way back to the front desk and consequently, his office.

He had a small stack of papers in the centre of his desk sitting under a pen. “So, what is your goal? Why do you want to start at the gym and more specifically, why do you think you need personal training?” He asked as he sat down in his chair.

“Well, I was out with some friends Friday night and some guy tried to rob me. I only got out of there relatively unscathed because of the bouncer. But I still have this as evidence.” She pointed towards her cheek. “Anyway I just want to get a bit stronger because of that. I want to be able to defend myself.”

Jay’s eyes darkened when she told him the story of how she was hurt. Who in the right mind would want to attack such an innocent and gorgeous woman like her?! He wanted to hold her and protect her from all the bad things in the world—he just wished he could have five minutes alone with the guy who decided to pick on her. “Okay. Well you’ve come to the right place.”

The consultation took a little over 30 minutes as Jay gathered all the information he needed to make a fitness and diet plan for Erin to follow. Once they were finished, he walked her back to the front door. “So we can start tomorrow, I’ll have everything ready by then. I’m generally here Monday through Friday from nine in the morning until six in the evening. I am however booked in the midday and evening time so what time would you like to meet?”

“How about I be your first client of the day?” Erin said with a small smile on her lips.

“Sounds good with me. I’m looking forward to seeing you bright and early tomorrow.” A small smile spread across Jay’s lips and all Erin wanted to do was grab his stubble cheeks before smashing her mouth onto his.

“Yeah, I’ll see you then.” Erin matched his smile with her own and as she made her way to her car, she realized how hot she felt. That man was doing things to her, and if she wasn’t careful, she was sure she’d end up doing something she’d regret.

*********************

The next morning, Erin got dressed in her newly purchased workout gear. Jay had texted her the night before, letting her know what to eat for breakfast as it would double up as her pre-workout meal.

She didn’t feel as nervous this time around. Maybe it was because she was actually a little bit eager to start on this journey but she knew it was due to the fact that her trainer was insanely hot.

She was excited.

As she got to the gym, she scanned her membership card before heading towards the universal locker room to put her stuff away. When she made her way back outside, she noticed Jay waiting for her, leaning against the wall wearing shorts and another tight t-shirt.

“Good morning!” He greeted her. “Are you ready for this?” He asked as he led her towards the cardio equipment.

“I guess so.” Upon seeing her trainer, a nervous pit had formed in Erin’s stomach. Maybe this wasn’t such a great idea. Just because she was going to see a hot guy everyday didn’t mean she was going to enjoy being at the gym. All the women around her looked so good compared to her.

“I emailed you a diet plan this morning to follow which should help you put on some weight. It’s all about eating more calories than what you burn. I don’t really believe in all those diets like keto on a long term basis. Most of my clients have been fine with a calorie counting diet.” Erin couldn’t help but smile at how passionate he seemed about his job. She was the same way but there was something about the light in his eyes and the smile on his face that made her fall in love a little. “To warm up we’ll just do some walking on the treadmill before we hit the weights.”

“Wait you’re going to be doing this with me, right?” She asked apprehensively as she looked around the gym.

“Would you be more comfortable if I did?” His voice was light and it brought a sense of comfort to her. She bit her lip before slowly nodding. “That’s fine with me.”

As they walked side by side on two treadmills, Jay gave her the rundown of what they would be doing for the day.

Chest, triceps, cable machines, free weights, dumbbells, EZ curl bar. Erin was started to get confused. She had no idea what Jay was talking about half the time and he must have noticed because he smirked at her shyly before apologizing.

“Do you feel warmed up enough?” He asked as he slowed his treadmill down. Erin nodded her head and mimicked his actions before watching him grab two wipes to wipe down their equipment. “Okay, let’s hit the weights.”

Jay demonstrated every exercise before allowing Erin to try herself. He helped correct her form when needed and she couldn’t help but jump every time she felt his hands on her. They were smooth but rough in some parts and if she was being honest, it turned her on a little.

After an hour, Erin was visibly exhausted. She wasn’t sure how she was going to lift her arms for the rest of the day. Jay looked at her empathetically, taking mercy and ending their first session early.

“It’s super important for you to refuel with protein and carbs after a workout. Your muscles also need rest to recover so make sure that you get at least seven to nine hours of sleep tonight.” He led her towards the change room, walking slow as he noticed her lagging behind. “I can’t stress how important it is to get enough protein in though. You’re probably going to be super sore in the morning which is normal because we’re just waking up some muscles that likely haven’t been used for a while.”

Erin nodded her head slowly. If she was being honest, she didn’t even feel like showing up tomorrow. Overall, she felt good but she could already feel how sore her muscles were going to be in the morning. “I guess I’ll see you tomorrow?” She forced a smile on her face and she could tell he saw the lie behind her words.

“I’ll see you then.”

***********

Erin sat down in her car with a heavy thump. If she was being honest, she could’ve fell asleep right then and there. She rested her head against her headrest, blindly reaching around to find her water bottle. When she didn’t feel it in the cup holder, she rummaged through her gym bag and noticed it wasn’t in there. She must have left it in the change room.

As much as she didn’t want to go back into the gym, she was thirsty.

So very thirsty.

She went straight to the change room and upon walking in, her jaw dropped to the floor.

Jay stood over his gym bag, his sweaty shirt thrown off beside his bag. Sweat dripped down from his hair onto his toned back that she had marvelled at the day before. She hadn’t noticed how toned his ass looked up until now, when she had a great view of it.

He must have felt someone watching him, because he turned around to see her. “Oh, hey. What’s up?” He asked casually as he took a towel and dried his hair, making it stick up in all directions.

Erin tried to form a coherent thought but failed as her eyes did a once over of his washboard abs. Subconsciously, she licked her lips before darting her eyes away to the locker she had used.

“I was wondering if this was yours.” Jay went to grab her bottle before bringing it back to her. Again, Erin’s eyes did a once over of him, focusing more on the tattoo she had seen earlier. It wrapped around his bicep and extended onto his chest, covering half of it.

“Uh, yeah. T-thanks.” Erin cleared her throat and shot him a shy smile. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Jay chuckled to himself as he watched her leave. That wasn’t the first time a client had ogled him like that. He was honestly accustomed to the feeling, it wasn’t just his clients. It was both men and women on the street, people at the grocery store, even once at his nephew Owen’s school.

But this time it felt different. There was just something about Erin that intrigued him. It was the gentle way she carried herself and he was pretty sure he was in love with the way her smile formed. Whatever it was, he hoped that she could muster up the motivation to show up for their second workout.

**************

The next morning, Jay made his rounds through the gym as he usually did. He checked the charge on the AED, emptied out a full garbage can and replenished some of the wipes. As he made his way towards his office, he was surprised to see Erin walk through the door. She looked uncomfortable and was walking in stiffly. She gave him a smile before turning towards the locker room.

When she returned wearing her workout clothing, he asked how she was feeling.

“I feel like everything hurts. I even had protein but I don’t think it helped.” Erin complained.

“Trust me, the feeling will get better with time. How about we train legs today so your upper body can get some rest?” Jay proposed.

They went through the warm up again before Jay got Erin started on her workout. She had to admit, after a few hours the day before she was feeling amazing. She had more energy and made better choices with her foods. She was determined to be able to keep up with Jay.

At the end of the session, Jay timidly walked her to the locker room. If he was going to shoot his shot, it had to be now. He knew she was determined—showing up again that morning proved it. He admired that. He didn’t want her to be just any client of his. There was a click between them and he hoped that she felt it too.  

Taking a deep breath, he asked the question that had been on his mind the whole workout. “Well, my morning is actually free since someone cancelled. How about we go grab some protein smoothies? My treat.” Jay asked, his confidence wavering. He had always been shy so asking girls out was never one of his strong traits. Over time, it was women asking him out so he never needed to say anything.

Erin smiled as she looked into his sea blue eyes, some nerves evident in her actions. “Protein smoothies sound great.”

This seems like something that should be more than a one shot and I didn’t want to leave it hanging so I’ll post and add things for when I get around to it. Anyway, leave a review.

[varricmancer]

Lost And Found | 1

Also available on AO3

Pairing: Varric Tethras x OC

Word Count: 4,075

Summary: Instead of the nothingness she had craved, Crystal woke up in the world of Thedas. What had once been merely a story that she loved now seemed very real and she was right in the heart of it all. She soon finds a reason to live again and a love in the arms of someone as quietly broken as her. 

Warnings: Attempted suicide (not graphic, but possible trigger). The OC has depression and low self-esteem, so don’t expect her to be some bright mary sue. At the same time, this sounds darker than it is. It’s going to have fluff and comedy and all that eventually, but OC has some growing to do first. She’s just not the usual strong and easygoing character many oc’s are. She’s more of a delicate creature. Also, it is Dragon Age, so there will be descriptions of war/battles/violence.

Notes: And there we go, a beginning. This was nearly 10k, but I felt like that was too long for tumblr to handle each chapter, so I’ve cut them into smaller ones. So the next chapter will be here very soon. Regardless of how this fic goes in the future, I’m happy that I finally typed something up for this, after nearly a decade of wanting to. I played fast and loose with characters and timelines sometimes to fit my story, so don’t kill me. PLEASE let me know what you think. 

The view was lovely.

The moon was full and bright, reflecting off of the rippling water in a way that called to her. It was so calm and quiet here tonight, unusual for this particular bridge. Almost like the world decided to finally do her a favor and make sure that no one was around except for the ducks to witness her one last dumb decision.

She was so tired.

Tired of everything. Tired of having nothing. Tired of being alone.

There would be no one to mourn her. No one to care.

She closed her eyes and let go.

It was time to rest.

As consciousness came to her, so did despair.

She couldn’t even get dying right.

Flashes of murky water filling her lungs turned into green shadows surrounding her, whispering as they pulled her lower. They promised it wasn’t her time. She had a purpose and somewhere she belonged. That she was under someone’s protection. That she needed to live more and become strong. She hadn’t believed them. Thought them to be some sort of hallucination.

Whatever had happened, she was apparently still alive.

Her eyes fluttered open, cringing as she realized her arm was killing her. She managed to raise her head up enough to glance at her left arm, seeing that it was wrapped in some sort of cloth sling. She didn’t remember hitting anything when she was in the water, but it certainly felt like something had happened to it. She could hear moans of pain and soft voices murmuring to them. She tried to sit up a little more, releasing a whimper as she realized her ribs hurt as well.

“Hush now. Lay back, child. You’ve been quite injured,” a soft voice ordered as they placed a gentle hand on her head to coax her back down. “Can you tell me your name?”

“Crystal. Crystal Foster,” she responded, looking up at the strange woman leaning over the little cot she was on.

The outfit the older woman was wearing looked strangely familiar, all crimson and gold with splashes of white. The tall headpiece bore similar colors and a name came to mind as she observed it.

But it couldn’t be.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Crystal. I am Mother Giselle. Do you remember where you are?”

Crystal knew she could be in one of three places, depending on the timeline, but she was almost afraid to voice any of them. The conclusion she was coming to about where she could be was insane. She must have finally lost her mind. Or maybe she was in a coma after being fished out of the lake. Maybe the afterlife was some sort of limbo where you just lived through scenes of whatever had brought you happiness during life.

“I...I am not sure.”

Mother Giselle pet her hair gently, trying to calm her as the slowly rising panic became more obvious.

“We are currently in the Hinterlands. This area is the Crossroads. Is anything sounding familiar, dear?”

Shit. She was in fucking Dragon Age. As in the video game she’s been playing and obsessing over for nearly a decade. She’s had dreams about this place before, but nothing so vivid. Nothing where she felt every ache in her body, could smell all the various scents of the little village outside, could hear conversations that she’d never heard in the game.

“Yes. I know where I am now,” she answered shakily. 

Mother Giselle breathed a sigh that sounded like relief, probably happy she didn’t have someone that had lost their mind on her hands.

Little did she know.

“I’m afraid your arm is broken and two of your ribs are cracked, not surprising considering how high that tear in the sky was and with you being so small. We’ve been giving you healing potions and have set the bones in your arm, but those only go so far. Most of the mages skilled in the healing arts are either in the battle or have gone to Redcliffe, otherwise we would have had you healed and out of here within a couple of days. Instead, you’ll have to take it easy and drink some of the elfroot tonic every six hours.”

“Tear in the sky?”

Mother Giselle’s eyebrow rose in surprise. “Were you not aware of how you got here, dear? You fell from one of those horrid green tears right onto the ground below. Since they’ve appeared, we’ve only seen demons spew from them, but we had you looked over and you seem to be a regular human. The only other person we know of that just emerged from beyond like you is the man they are calling the Herald of Andraste. Perhaps you are here to aid him.”

“I don’t know about that, but I can assure you I’m not evil or anything.”

“That’s good. Now that you are awake, I will have someone bring you some water and broth. You’ve been out of it for a couple of days and we couldn’t get you to take much. You’ll want to sip the broth slowly, then we’ll move you onto solid food tomorrow. Do you have any family you’d like us to alert to your presence here? You’re going to have to be careful for a few weeks and it would be helpful to have a family member to assist you.”

“I don’t. There’s no one.” No one in real life or this crazy dream.

“I’m sorry to hear that, my child. This is a trying time for everyone; many here have lost their families as well. You’re free to stay in the village for the time being, if you’d like. I’d worry if you wandered off while you’re so injured. Once you’re fit, we could always use your help around the village. There’s so few of us left here and we need all the help we can get.” Mother Giselle sighs wearily and pats Crystal’s hand. “There’s a hut that just opened up that I can put you in for now. The owner passed away a few days ago after being attacked by bandits. We can get you set up tomorrow after you rest a bit more. I’ll ask Corporal Vale about supplies for you and perhaps some tasks that will keep you busy while you heal.”

“Thank you, Mother Giselle.”

“You’re welcome, child. Eat, sleep. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Mother Giselle left the large tent after speaking to someone that Crystal assumed was a healer. They nodded after whatever they’d been told, leaving together, hopefully to get the promised food and water. Her throat was killing her. She took a moment to glance to her right, seeing five other cots lined in the tent, filled with people in various states of health.

Crystal took stock of her situation. She was injured in the middle of the Hinterlands, a place that came from a video game. The NPC’s were talking and moving and breathing like real people. She didn’t know if she was dead or not so this could be a coma, some weird limbo thing, or she’d finally lost her damn mind. She supposed there were worse things to hallucinate about.

Except if she was in the Crossroads at the same time as Mother Giselle, that meant they were in the early stages of Inquisition, and there would be Mages and Templars battling everywhere. Not to mention, there was a shortage of food and other supplies. She wondered how long it would be until the Herald got here.

Crystal let herself have a little fangirl moment as she thought about the fact that she might see the Inquisitor in the flesh, and their party. Well, as flesh-like as whatever this insane dream would allow. Everyone else seemed real enough, why not them? She wondered who it was.

The chantry woman that Mother Giselle had been talking to before finally came back with a tray holding a bowl of broth, a small chunk of bread, some water, and a small vial of green liquid. She pulled a tiny table out of the corner and placed it in front of the bed, putting the tray on top of it and placing the spoon in Crystal’s unhurt right hand.

“Hello there! Make sure you drink your broth before taking your healing potion. You haven't had much in the way of food for a couple days and I don’t want you to upset your stomach. There’s a tiny bit of bread there, just in case you feel like you can handle it.”

“Thank you,” Crystal responded gratefully, stomach gurgling at the thought of food, even if it was just broth and bread. She doubted they had much more than this anyway, if the game was anything to go by.

Once every bit on the tray was gone, she attempted to drink the potion. It tasted similar to the wheatgrass shots she’d occasionally get at a smoothie shop when she wanted to pretend she was healthy. She shrugged and chugged it down, the healer giggling at her obvious disgusted face. 

Once the hunger pangs were gone, Crystal could feel just how exhausted she was. How you could feel tired in a dream, she had no idea, but she decided to stop questioning everything and just go with it. She’d wake up eventually, she supposed. She hissed from the pain of her ribs as she adjusted herself back down on the cot. What she wouldn’t give for a pillow. She sighed and closed her eyes, falling into a deep sleep. 

Of all the fucking places in Thedas she could have been thrown into, it had to be the damn Hinterlands. She hated this place enough in the games, but it was nothing compared to the reality of actually living here.

She’d been in the Crossroads for a total of three weeks and it was so far very much like an extended camping trip, only with more actual death around her. 

The hut that she’d been given wasn’t completely horrible. The man that had lived here before had lost all of his family months before he himself had died, and he’d kept all of their things in here. She’d managed to find some clothes that had belonged to his daughter that was small enough for her to wear, and easy enough to deal with one-handed.  The wife had plenty of clothes here, but with Crystal being a mere five feet tall, they were practically tents on her. 

Unfortunately, the furs and blankets the man had in the hut had already been distributed among the survivors, leaving her with only one fur to put on top of the cot to make it somewhat comfortable, and a raggedy blanket no thicker than a light cloak to cover with. The nights were steadily growing colder and she missed the heating in her apartment. 

Bathing was another issue. Crystal managed to wash up a bit by boiling some water at night and wiping herself down with a cloth, but without any soap there was only so much she could do. She usually braided her brown hair into one long rope, it being the only hairstyle she could manage with her hair as gross as it was. She’d heard that the people used to be able to get scented soaps from Redcliffe, but with the Templar and mage battles taking over the area they’d shut the gates and the village here had decided they had more important things to worry about than body odor.  

Food was also getting incredibly scarce. Everyone was too terrified to go hunting with all the fighting everywhere. She remembered that there was an area filled with rams not too far from here in the game, but with only one arm functioning she couldn’t help. She’d tried to talk to others about it, but many here were still wary of the outsider and not willing to brave the fields. 

Still, people were starting to fuss, but Crystal held onto the knowledge that the Herald would be here at any moment. She’d questioned Mother Giselle a few days after she’d first woken up, and she’d learned that word had already been sent to Haven that the need for aid here was great. As her stomach grumbled for the third time, she hoped it would be today. One bowl of what was basically hot water filled with herbs was all she’d had for the past couple of days, since she always passed the bread and jerky she’d been given off to the children. 

Most of her time here had been spent helping with the wounded, although the blood and guts were something she still had trouble getting used to. She didn’t think she’d make a good healer anytime soon, but she made herself useful on the sidelines. Though the healers looked at her strangely for it, she often could be found sterilizing their equipment and bandages in boiling water and alcohol, having watched enough medical dramas to know a few things about cleanliness and infection. She tossed leeches out as soon as she spied them, remembering all the gruesome deaths she’d heard about due to bloodletting and their use. 

Most often she could be found simply sitting next to the patients giving what comfort she could. They often entrusted her with letters to their families or begged her to just talk to them. She held their hand as they drew their last breath. Often, seeing how desperate some of them were to live made her feel guilty that she’d ever thought to give up her own life so easily. She knew that if she ever woke up or got another chance, the faces of the people crying because they didn’t want to go would haunt her enough that she didn’t think she’d make the same choice again. 

As for her theory that this was all a dream, it was being tested on a daily basis. When she could feel the sharp pangs of hunger every day and hear the agonizing screams of the dying it was a little harder to believe. After burying little four year old Alice today because she got hit by a stray fireball when she wandered a little far from home, it seemed very real. Just yesterday she had the girl sitting right in front of her as she’d told a rapt group of kids the story of Pinnochio. She’d been full of laughter and questions, just the sweetest little thing. And now she was buried next to her mother who had died just a week prior, leaving her father all alone. He hadn’t wanted either of them on a pyre like they did with most of their dead here, and Crystal had stood up for him against the Chantry people telling him he shouldn’t. She knew that having them somewhere he could visit would be a great comfort. 

There was no way that any dream of hers would force her to go through something like this, though. Not even if she was in some sort of limbo as punishment for what she’d done. These people were real and dying, but she didn’t know how or why she was here. Only the strange flashes of memory after she’d hit the water. 

Crystal had escaped to her little hut after the small ceremony for Alice to mourn in peace. All of this death was so new to her that it was almost unbearable. She wished she had the courage to fight to make this stop, but didn’t think she could do it. She had the knowledge that could help, but to actually pick up a sword and go out there was madness. She’d be dead in minutes. Years of working in retail in the middle of a big city sadly did not prepare you for living in a battle zone. 

To help keep her mind off things, she stood at the little side table that she’d converted into a sort of workspace. With everyone so busy actually using the potions to keep the wounded alive, there hadn’t been a lot of time for the healers to make the potions themselves. And the nearest Alchemist that anyone knew of was all the way in Haven. Crystal had taken it upon herself to help with that, figuring it wouldn’t be too difficult to brew a few potions with one arm. Though their supplies were running very low, she did the best she could with the instructions that one of the sisters had given her. She’d been told her results were good and she found the task soothing. When she was in here brewing, she wasn’t out there listening to the cries of pain and hunger. 

She’d just thrown a handful of elfroot into her mortar -wishing it was a juicer instead - when a light knock rattled the rickety wooden door. Curiously, she wandered over and answered the door, smiling as the older man was revealed. 

“Giles! To what do I owe the pleasure?” 

Giles was a sweet man, probably in his early fifties and acted like he was the mayor here. As the “village” was merely a series of houses placed around the crossroads, there was no mayor needed, but Giles worked like one anyway. He was a font of information and a horrible gossip, not a great combination in most cases, but luckily he was a kind man. He was one of the first to treat Crystal like an actual person instead of the freak that fell out of the sky. 

“Came to share a bit of bounty. Knew you probably wouldn’t peek yer nose out of the door unless someone made ya. Going ta stay and make sure ye actually eat it all down and don’t give it away fer once too.”

The smell hit her first. The rich scent of warm roasted meat filled her senses. Her mouth began watering even before he pulled off the cloth to reveal a plate full of meat, a couple of potatoes, and a bit of cabbage. The pains in her stomach that she’d begun to get used to felt almost excruciating as she accepted the plate with shaking hands. 

“Where did this come from?” 

Giles patted his own belly that she noticed extended a tad more than usual today, probably having already feasted himself. He sat himself down in the old rocking chair in the corner, sighing loudly as he settled in. 

“That lad they call the Herald came by with his crew. They ran into a bear on their way here and apparently had no trouble. Even brought some supplies from Haven with them, so we were able to make everyone a decent meal for once. Shame we have to wait for the bear hide to be tanned properly before it can be used, but that’ll be one more blanket for someone when it’s done.” 

Crystal was already shamelessly digging into the meat with her bare hands as he explained, too hungry to care about things like manners right now. She’d never eaten bear before in her life, but she was so hungry this rivaled even the Wagyu beef she’d tried once, and that was supposedly the best steak in the world. 

“See, lass, everyone is hungry but don’t think I don’t know why you’re that hungry. I’ve seen ya sneaking yer bread and whatnot to the little ones. Slow down so you don’t hurt your stomach there,” Giles wagged his finger, her only answer a pleased moan as she bit into the roasted potato. It was just a potato, but it could have been an ice cream sundae based on the way she relished it. 

With her belly slowly filling for the first time in days, she was able to concentrate a little more on what Giles was currently rambling on about. 

“Wait, did you say The Herald was here? I missed him?!” 

“Well, ye were off helping with Thomas’s wee lass. They came and dropped everything off, had a word with the Mother and Vale and off they went. One of the villagers mentioned the field of rams up the hill so they’ve gone off to hunt for us. Said they’d be back in an hour or two.” Giles grabbed her mug, pouring her a glass of water and pushing it towards her with a nod that he wanted her to pause for a drink. She accepted it, her hand still slightly shaking from lack of food. She hoped she wouldn’t spill on herself, although that wouldn’t be the first time today. 

Giles scowled, “Mother Giselle told them about ye and the boy's eyes lit up so I imagine they’ll want ta have a word. Just be careful and don’t let them talk you into doing anything you don’t want to do. If he’s Herald of Andraste, yer Andraste herself. He’s not the boss of ye.” 

Crystal snorted, poking around her plate as she tried to pace herself. 

“Pretty sure that’s blasphemy. What would Mother Giselle say?” 

“Don’t rightly care, lass. You’ve done more for the people here than she has, and ye do it with only one working hand and nothing to yer name. You go out of yer way to help others before yerself, and the people can tell ye actually care. The Mother does it because she sees it as her duty. In fact, she’s been looking a little tubby lately while ye give the little ones yer share o’ the food.” 

“Oh, hush. She does quite a lot too. I don’t have half of her skills.” 

“Ye don’t need skills to have a heart, lass. People overlook ye because you’re such a quiet, wee thing. But I see ye. If I had any, I’d bet money that all of Thedas is going ta know yer name soon, and they’re all going to love ye.” 

“You’re a drama queen.” 

Giles lifted an eyebrow. “How am I a Queen, girl?” 

Crystal giggled. “It means someone that is overly dramatic.” 

“Why didn’t ye just say that then? Always with the strange words that mean something other than what ye say.” 

Crystal laughed at Gile’s perplexed but amused grin before attacking the rest of her meal. She finished in record time, almost sad when she took the last bite of cabbage. Her stomach felt bloated, almost uncomfortably so, but she was full for the first time in weeks. 

Giles took the plate from her, patting her on the head as he stood up from the rocking chair and walked to the door. 

“They cleared out some of the road if you wanted to go looking for herbs for yer potions. There should be plenty of elfroot to the left of the main road. If ye walk a little further north, there will be plenty of spindleweed. I’ll tell Vale to lend ye a man fer protection.” 

“Thank you, Giles. And thank you for the food.” 

“Yer welcome, lass. I’m going to watch the roads while these newcomers roam if ya need me. Remember what I said. Don’t let them bully ye. You’re more than welcome to make your home here if ya want, or go with the lad if they can help with all that tear in the sky business.” 

Giles left the hut, closing the barely stable door softly behind him. Crystal sighs wearily and sinks into the chair. She could feel her body working hard to get used to having food in it again and she felt extremely tired, much like she used to feel after a huge Thanksgiving meal when she was a kid. She didn’t think she had the energy to go hunting for herbs today. Instead, she’d hoard the bit of energy she had left so she’d be ready to meet the Inquisitor. 

She still had no clue who it was. Giles hadn’t said anything about what race The Herald was, but he had called him a boy. Perhaps it was a human male. Giles was a very unjudgemental man, but even he would have said something if a huge Qunari had wandered into the village claiming to be The Herald.

At least she knew who the companions would be. The game always started with Solas, Varric, and Cassandra. Crystal had been very much looking forward to them getting here in the hopes that Solas would be able to properly heal her. If she continued the way she was, it would be another five months before her arm was healed. A mage like Solas could have her healed up in moments. 

She was also very excited to see Varric. He’d been one of her favorite characters for years, and the thought that she was about to meet him in person blew her mind. 

Crystal giggled to herself at the image of her fangirling over them, squealing like a nutjob. She knew that she wouldn’t do that, but the image of Cassandra having to deal with a crazy fan was hilarious. 

She pushed herself up, humming to herself as she checked on the healing potion she’d already started. She had plenty to keep her occupied until they came back. 

((AN: Don’t ask me why Giles suddenly sounded like he came from the highlands of Scotland. He told me what to say and I just wrote it down. PLEASE let me know what you thought of this so far. Since it’s my first attempt at writing for DA I need all the feedback I can get))

[redroseinsanity]

Grounded

Late for Daichi’s birthday and Daisuga Day and inspired by passengers stranded in Taiwan on NYE. 

This is possibly the worst way I can spend my birthday, Sawamura Daichi thinks to himself, wedged into a middle seat with a baby bawling its eyes out two rows back on a plane that’s been stuck on the tarmac for two hours.

He knew he’d start his birthday in the air when he booked a flight that left at 8pm, but he’d also hoped that he would be able to spend the rest of the day after he landed exploring the city before his business meetings started on the 3rd of January.

Sadly, fate seemed to decree that he was to turn twenty four feeling like a wretched and squashed marshmallow, a bit too dried out from the aeroplane air and desperately wanting to go to sleep but feeling painfully uncomfortable in the too small chair and with the dig of his seatmate’s elbow in his side. He glanced over at the owner of the offending joint and found a flabby middle-aged man fast asleep in his aisle seat.

With a sigh, Daichi shifted a smidgen over, just enough to escape the jabbing elbow and enough so that he was looking out past the person in the window seat to gaze out at the lights of the airport runway. At least that was beautiful in a way and mildly remedied the fact that Daichi was likely to start his birthday contorted into an unspeakably tiny aeroplane chair with a very sad selection of entertainment available and no water.

“Holy cheeseballs, this plane doesn’t take off soon, I’m going to charge into the cockpit and fly this thing myself,” the window seat passenger muttered, fingers drumming on the cover of his book which lay, rather abandoned, in his lap.

Catching Daichi’s sharp, surprised (and slightly amused look) his way, the window seat passenger offered a wry smile.

“Sorry, I don’t really like being in enclosed spaces, two hours is three hours too long on the tarmac.”

Daichi chuckled as he tamped down rising butterflies in his stomach when he took in porcelain skin and bright eyes framed by soft, tousled silver hair and the most perfect beauty mark.

How had he not noticed this absolute stunner sitting right next to him the entire time? Probably because I was too busy wallowing in self-pity for having to start my twenty fourth year on earth in a flying tin can that refuses to fly.

“Yeah, I wish they would just tell us what’s going on so that I would at least know why I have to spend my birthday in absolute agony in an airplane that’s going nowhere,” Daichi smiled crookedly, rubbing the back of his neck in the manner of a truly resigned man.

The beautiful stranger’s hazel eyes widened as he inhaled sharply.

“It’s your birthday?” he hissed, looking far more aghast on Daichi’s behalf than Daichi had felt in the past two hours.

“Not yet!” Daichi assured him and then checked his watch, “But in two hours.” He sagged into his seat.

“It seemed like a good idea at the time, landing in a gorgeous city on the morning of my birthday and taking the time to wander around,” Daichi explained, shaking his head at himself, “Obviously in hindsight, not such a good plan.”

“This is a travesty,” the gorgeous seatmate pounded a fist on his book, his voice turning into an angry whisper, “We shouldn’t be stuck here with no sign of moving and you shouldn’t be trapped here on your birthday!”

Opening his mouth to assure him that now that he had dug his grave, he was quite prepared to lie in it, Daichi was cut off by an overhead announcement.

“Good evening, everyone. This is your captain speaking. As you all are aware, we’ve been trying to remedy an electrical fault before taking off. However, I’ve just been notified that we require a new part to fly safely and so, we invite all passengers to disembark and we hope to fly within the next three hours as we wait for the new part to arrive and be swapped in,” there was a collective groan that reverberated around the cabin and immediately, people began murmuring among themselves. Daichi strained to hear the rest of the announcement.

“We sincerely apologise for this delay and will be offering complimentary dining and entertainment vouchers for you to use while waiting. Thank you and we ask for your understanding.”

Half an hour later, Daichi found himself back in the brightly lit walkway filled with shops and eateries, backpack slung over one shoulder and clutching several vouchers.

“Hey!” A familiar silver head bounced over, “Y’know, I’m kind of glad just to be out of there,” Daichi’s flying partner beamed up at him, smile rivaling the brilliant lights from above.

“Any longer and I may have lost it and started climbing the walls,” he grinned cheekily, a smile so contagious that Daichi involuntarily smiled back.

“Plus! They gave so many vouchers, you know what that means?” Daichi shook his head, “It’s a sign,” the silver haired angel stage whispered and Daichi stifled a laugh, “You weren’t meant to start your birthday in that torture device disguised as a mode of transport,” he cast a narrow eyed glare back at the plane, “You were meant to eat copious amounts of food and milk their PR team for all their worth!”

With a handful of vouchers being waved gleefully in his face, Daichi couldn’t control the laughter that escaped him.

“Of course,” he held up his own set, a smile colouring his voice, “Would you do me the honours of spending a ridiculous amount of money that isn’t ours with me?”

Linking a fairly toned arm with Daichi’s own muscled one, the fair stranger peeked up under lowered lashes.

“Why,” he purred, setting Daichi aflame with a single word, “I thought you’d never ask.”

“My name is Daichi, by the way,” Daichi said suddenly, when they’d finished two bowls of ramen each and were digging into ice cream, “I forgot that we never really…”

“Try this, Daichi, it tastes like it was made by the gods themselves,” A spoonful of creamy goodness was held up to his lips by a slim hand, “I’m Sugawara, but you can call me Suga.”

It did taste like it was crafted by divine hands and Daichi told him so. He didn’t tell Suga that he was the most insane and fun person he had ever met in his life, he just drank in the other man’s enthusiasm and excited gestures as he told hilarious stories and kept eating his rum and raisin.

“Obviously, when put in that situation, you’ll have to take your shirt off and then run screaming into the traffic!” Suga exclaimed, waving face cream around as he told Daichi about his colleagues who honestly sounded like lunatics.

“Absolutely,” Daichi replied with as straight a face as possible, “In fact, in those kinds of extreme circumstances, I would also recommend dousing oneself with luminescent paint and then running around the neighbourhood banging on a bucket or some kind of crockery.”

“Without question,” Suga nodded gravely, setting the cream down. There was a moment’s pause before they succumbed to a bout of hysterical giggles and Suga moved on to another moisturizer. Suga was devastatingly handsome and with his eyes crinkled at the corners, clear laughter pealing from deep in his belly, Daichi wondered if it was too soon to be falling for someone. He definitely had a crush, but laughing in duty-free at god knows what time with this shining being was messing with his head and heart far more than he had anticipated.

“You can’t say that if you’ve never tried it!” Suga gasped, sitting upright in the cushy armchair that he’d settled into with his loot of creams and a cup of juice.

“I don’t need to try it! I have smelled it and I know that I never need to even lick it ever in my life,” Daichi stated, feeling a little sleepy even though it wasn’t yet midnight. He usually slept relatively early so anything past eleven was technically past his bedtime. His friends teased him for being an old man, but Daichi liked his sleep and woke up early to run so he didn’t mind the good humoured jibes.

“No way,” Suga leaned into Daichi’s chair, adjacent to his, “This is life changing, I swear. You have to have tried it at least once in your life before you say no.” Shifting a little, he folded his legs into the chair, curling in on himself a little. Suga rested his chin on the arm of Daichi’s chair, peering up in so adorable a manner, Daichi nearly had an aneurysm.

“Nope, you can’t trick me into this, I know it’s a trap,” he retorted, taking another sip of his own smoothie and trying to steady his heartbeat. Easy, Sawamura, you hardly know this guy, he warned himself.

I think I know enough to know I want to know more.

Suga let out a shriek that cascaded into laughter as he tore down the hallway perched on a trolley that Daichi was pushing. Daichi’s lungs were protesting and he could feel the two bowls of ramen slopping around in his stomach but he kept going, chasing the honeyed chimes of Suga’s delight.

It was addictive, really. He had no business being so greedy but here he was, hoping that they’d never get called back to the plane so that he could keep spending time in this limbo with the most unreal person he’d ever met. It seemed like a dream, an impossible and far-fetched fantasy set in a space that didn’t exist where time slipped into darkness and all that mattered was this man, burning brighter than the sun.

When the call for them to re-board came, Daichi was sorely disappointed and it may have been his imagination but Suga might have looked a tad upset as well. They trekked over to the boarding gate until Suga turned abruptly, Daichi nearly walking into him before pulling up short.

He halted inches away from ploughing Suga down and stayed there, staring down at the brilliant light in the other man’s eyes as he smiled gently.

“Happy birthday, Daichi,” Suga tilted his head, “I hope you had fun! Better than being stuck on an airplane anyway, no?” Startled, Daichi checked his watch and found the numbers 2.37am flashing back at him.

“Suga,” he started, one hand reaching out to brush the other man’s arm. Suga who had turned to go wheeled back, eyes expectant, expression soft.

“That was the best birthday I’ve had in a long time. Thank you for spending it with me,” he grinned bashfully, earnestly and Suga’s expression turned softer and triumphant all at once.

They’d certainly exhausted themselves in the airport because the moment they’d gotten on the flight, the pair of them had conked out before the plane even managed to pull up off the runway and into the air.

The next thing Daichi knew, he awoke to a fluffy argon hair pressed against the side of his face and a warm weight on his arm. He looked down and realised that Suga looked even more ethereal in morning light. The clear gold glinted off eyelashes and bathed a face that looked even sweeter when asleep.

There was a sudden pang in his gut when Daichi realised that he’d never see Suga again once they got off this flight. With a sudden fervor, Daichi cast his gaze back down and tried to memorize the planes of Suga’s face.

“Well then, this is me,” Daichi said quietly, hauling his luggage off the conveyor belt.

“Well then,” Suga echoed, eyes fixed on his shoes, eyebrows vaguely knitted.

“If you-”

“I was-”

They spoke at the same time and then both tried to gesture each other to go first. Suga cleared his throat.

“I was just gonna say,” Suga hesitated and then seemed to decide to steel himself with the words coming out in a rush, “I’m free today if you’d like to spend the rest of your birthday together.”

Daichi stared at him, the words ringing in his ears but barely processing. Then it hit him, a smile blooming on his face as ecstasy exploded within him.

“Yes,” he heard himself say, and then again just in case he dreamed it, “Yes! I’d love to. It’s already been the best birthday, and it’s all been thanks to you.”

Suga turned a faint pink, then held out his phone.

“Exchange numbers so we can fix a place to meet after dropping off our luggage?”

They parted ways at the taxi stand and just before Suga dashed off to load up his taxi, he turned breathlessly to Daichi, face alight just like it had been hours ago in the airport.

Stretching up on his toes, he pressed a tender kiss on Daichi’s cheek.

“Happy birthday, Daichi,” he breathed, “See you in a bit.”

Daichi watched him go with the sense of being hit by a boulder of some sort, a silly grin plastered on his face and a glow lighting him up from within.

[paraclete0407]

Feel like Du Fu dreaming of the distant capital Chang’an; ‘liang-zi’ in rain or so.  Money burns, houses burn - diamonds burn.  ‘Do not harm the wine and oil.’  People don’t even think about An Lushan Civil War and IDK if I read fake history but f-cking Hail Satan / Moloch (’Eat, Lord!’ - Salammbo) from what I read; this world; these men; ‘A Dish of Peaches in Russia.’  Can’t wait to get tortured by K-mafia in all the pornographic violation-vectors pleasures of which I investigated over the years dept. of Purgatory(?).  Sing infernal muse of orgasm-hunting and desperately personal inward contractionist odysseys; I rem. thinking ‘220K Belgian breast-implants,’ it looked like my piano-teacher’s house; Knausgaard is like ‘Time for Everything.’  I wrote ‘Success Kid Soup’ where SAmchon / Sammo is writing his Salterian gratitude-journals teaching Hyomin abt. James Salter, then, ‘final eloquence(?) of Jane Austen scholarship.  

I rem. once sleeping at Lake Park in car thinking PCH slept in cars to keep from being degen. but ppl thought I was battering old men at Children’s Grand Park or smashing up one of my favorite girls with a flashlight(!?) - it’s not even true.  

‘Do you know The Death of Ivan Ilyich,’  midnight gardens, but at this time in my life I felt I had no real program.  My only ‘take’ was if you want to talk about DoII let’s sincerely talk about it but then IDK what women ‘intend.’  Plasma-cannons, alien antennae; a while back I thought about ‘Holdings’ only there appears to be a baptism of fire in some sense or other.  I rem. psychoticization of Barry Hannah, GnR prophecies, is he burying or disinterring the AK-74.  The song from the untranslatable SF global HumDev drama where they married IRL then divorced, some Frenchman,... sexually awaken this! - that song is like... I went on Wikipedia reading about kamikaze, ‘liberty,’ bomb-interception w/ Type-0, fact that some Japanese really weren’t lip-lick daddy-daughter fake paternal colonialists (i believe) b/c a few JP probably detected Perry’s lip-lick, ShiShi, knock knock wakizahi Heaven’s Judgment to mental Cho Kuks(?) - Koreans understand Iwo Jima Lt. Gen b/c these are sacred bloodlines 

I rem. ‘when Black girls love them some white boys’ - great!  I just regret ever saying anything like TW-1 French tips it’s retarded, now abideth the face, the brows, the destiny of Woman, 

XJP probably knows all this; extend question, how to show / teach world..

‘I appreciated’... ‘Expectation’... Smoothie Kng FroYo Bella...

IDK why I feel like saying all this now; I bought a watch-head for like 50 ollars that later got humidified, the watch-repairman’s grip was excellent, but these peple are just not my constituents because at bottom they’re AmKor AAPI Twitter ‘PS always hated you’ reactionary tribalists so rape me my friend!  Leave me alone!  I liked ‘Beautiful Goodbye’ but as for the ‘Taeyeon suicide countdown types’ if you really wanted ‘My way your way anything goes tonight’ stimulation can I rip out your fingernails upside down hang baseball bat - it cost less than Six Flags and make more ‘individual special’ story.  It’s not wrong to torture, ‘better to marry than to burn’ and better to hydroelectrocute, waterboard, shortchain, airplane, than spew infernal lies.  Confucius ‘If you love your son beat him’ - I wanna beat myself, IDK if I was right or wrong but smashed ‘Ryan’ with softcover workbook 2011, different time, also turned out he was set up / falsely accused by James so I became one of those ‘ppl that made ppl hate all teachers / system / Caucasians’ - legal, other ppl were toe-kicking to back of knee and stuff.  My colleague asked the English for ‘corporal punishment’ I said ‘physical punishment’ b/c ‘corporal’ is mil. rank and ‘corporeal’ is Catholic oceanic concept.  Other ppl at that hagwon were like ‘cartoons, puns, I am “woke” and exprienced instructor, circumspect, every so often hurl lethal objects at children’ - later he said stuff like ‘pimping Incheon,’ real estate license, Canada.  ‘Korea’s got some growing up to do, libertarianism, a million year patrimony of Canadian nationhood.’  Pornhub, Hushmail, greed-immigration-laws.  I said ‘You’re the butler from Kazuo Ishiguro’ but why say anything these ppl are nail-paring... David’s harlotry, how to cancel you, fake dream, no depth of instructional design or whole school architecture, not even dream, not even waiting... Sad!  I remember Jordan Peterson calling Tinkerbell ‘the porn fairy’ I like Soshi’s ‘Tinkerbell’ from the press-motif and its echo of Emerson’s notion of the ‘scholar of one candle’ I’m not pro-pornography I just have Catholicistic aesthetics

Now I remember ‘David’ who wanted a card and considered the ‘Fnal Word’ summative statement possibilities of a mechanical pencil.  But in the future everyone already understands everything.  I remember later filing away what I had taken to be perfunctory observations based on students’ testimony such as ES = parents; MS =friends HS = [TD Jakes sermon + purposes + future spouse etc.]... My friend said sth, I get super-sick of sharing anything with anyone + fret that all my ‘good deeds’ are being rewarded in this world.  Sica’s ‘Gravity’ cover.  I just no longer understand Korean; Brooks Brothers as white supremacist(?).  LJH is like ‘walking straight up to Heaven.’  Condescending-Canada-1 on my 26th birthday was talking about ‘meting you again’ story-ideas; I had a ‘hen could fly’-esque story idea about deer or ‘hart’ and ducks but in retrospect symbolic thinking, who cares.  ‘that has expelled us and our images (Stevens’...

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Picture of A.S. Lizzie particolor sweater Cheonggyeoncheon; New Order ‘Regret,’ Thatcher era, all these English ‘God wot Warhammer 40K’ retreat in to expressive Imperium that seems condition of fiction but is actually ‘potential prophecy’ or future certainty-world.  It was ‘Regret,’ Singapore, but the 40K people were satisfied w/ their lives and Thatcher that I know wasn’t executing them or corralling in to work-camps just saying [make do with less?]...

*

I wanted to Western fencing and ended up w/ saber/re, in the late 1990s WJC dispatched cops with MP-5′s in order to extradite or return Cuban refugee-boy to his communist homeland; coach is saying ‘Nazi.’  Did Castro threaten terror or was it just child-sacrifice.  Later my HS achieved prominence in female saber but honestly, games, toys, fake progress, fake hope, IDC don’t touch me.  I later took interest in epee, San-E ‘Feminist,’ my dad said a smart comment about ‘dissonance’ but it is still ‘representations.’  It’s Madonna ‘Holiday.’  

‘Seulgi didn’t touch flowers b/c harm them’ - Pearl Buck ‘Living Reed.’ ~ ‘harm not the Earth.’ Gym avoid, just run or work or sth.  Insane veterinarian bodybuilder ‘meat digestion enzyme - eat many animals as possible.’  ‘Isolation exercise’ - ev1 wants to believe this brililant then they spent like 3000000 dollars on gov’t money on SF training then they are ‘vastus medialis.’  I like ‘Say something nice about Seulgi’ - it’s like ES.  

Feel like what should I confess, my very fav. student, ‘the one who could be anything, whose parents maybe gave her ‘open class.’  What is someone like that to do?  

I used to drive down Capitol seeing Black people thinking ‘God’s chosen’ or so but didn’t feel compelled to add or contribute anything to them as they had a special destiny.  ‘Where do I take this love?’  Everyone wants to adopt everyone, I believe it monstrous, oppose, veto.  ‘Teach me the way’ - it’s grooming, pederasty.  I rem. ‘This Is Love’ and two words that mean ‘already.’  My old poem about S’hai-1 and ‘South of the Border West of the Sun.’  Even more now channeling ‘Evr’y Hour,’ seeing Genghis Khan books at BN,’ Beolsseo arasseo.’  I admire out-of-time rubato things, Spengler characterizing the Greco-Roman culture-soul as ‘andante.’  HUFS-1 is ‘Andante Spianato,’ ‘planing.’  I knew her hometown but she’s not my girl so.  I know no other piece with a ‘spianato’ direction.  No one plays this piece to my satisfaction it’s more Chopin monster-magic.  I liked ‘Forgefuness’ by Hart Crane in a way but weird dreams with Crane like a gelatinous turkey b/c hat is so great abt being homosexual and brilliant(?).  Power without responsibility, conceit.  There were these word-jump-around-page poems from Strand books that I wrote with great joy-generation in HS but after that decided it was madness, mental illness.  Square poem, piano reduction of insanity-pop-music, cancel manic depression.  Later tried sonnet, tangci, sijo.  I like ‘sobriety, staidness.’  ‘Letters to Auratus’ more of my writing tutoring / literary agency abt. what are you trying to convey with ASLS, surrogacy, Heideggerian being-towards-death, dying life.  I get it - for a time I always said ‘I see what you’re saying.’  Purity, remembrance.  But IDK if Auratus knows or doesn’t know b/c ‘Can’t I lie?’  Maybe it is other people’s pathos.  Surrogacy, chaebol, AI knows I like HK3 a lot but in retrospect... I had the phrase ‘autumn settlings.’  Old man waiting for his son, mitigation, train to Cheonan with this grief-blind woman or sth, are you looking at me?  My nose is not Jung Woosung’s nose.  I forgot the zeitgeists from past dramas; I ban them anyway.  ‘The Charm of Department Stores.’

‘Roads Not Taken’ or so is a book about the Vietnam War; who wrote the last word on the Vietnam War?  I felt it strange that they make monthly magazines about the past; this transport with American soldiers very washed.  Vietnam has huge butterflies.  ‘Soldier’s Wives’ ~ ‘This is her taste,’ Chris Kyle’s wife but it’s still like LBSDBS.  I remember reading the Mutual Assured Destruction guy’s theory f ‘Faustian peoples’ or so (not Spengler’s idea of all the West as Faustian-outward-historiographical+ ut sth different), my fav. K-film has always been AMFL; I started remembering ‘Insa,’ feeling autumn golden leaves thrown up by the passing SUV fall through my body.  These words mean many things and in past I took words in mouth I should keep to myself and wish to hear rather than say or wish to mull rather than flaunt... (once Grahame Greene squalor-lord met the Pope who said ‘But I’m already Catholic’ - dept. of apologetics v. present prophecy, discernment, reality-betterment).  I want to tell my most demonic sex-trafficking hallucinations like hole-in-heart zombies racism pineapple pizza, paint the apartment - this was ‘nesting.’  ‘Reflections.’  Auratus was talking of the F-22 which I wanted to tell him that’s not the fastest plane by a longshot, today too I think evth is Satan electric fields and drones thrust-vectoring is a huge toy but IDK what IDK.  I wished to send all F-22′s to Kor, I used to nickname this girl XB-70; I thought I was once the little escort just there to film the test or sth.  KJAD rapidly improved, the shrimp whale dolphin thing vanished. Creatures.  There were scramjets and that reverse dive-bombing where you climb, thrust-weight ratio, ‘arabesque.’  I used to deliberately mar my English and say ‘I think it’s good idea’ and ‘good form.’  

F-22, I feel like USA trashed their whole continent and now can’t even give good motor-vehicle?  

 Memories of KJY, ‘Black is beautiful?’  Wilberforce.  ‘Confucianism is all about the phallus(?!).’  YOU help them dept. of Maoist time-bomb.  I’ll g to Somalia, Eritrea, one day.  I know these kids have special promise; I too would take measures to make them cute and loveable.  ‘Social form.’  I love Paul Washer - ‘porn = unloving heart’ - kneel before father... but they need good police; I don’t own firearms; I don’t like to exaggerate.  Like in 2012 Doomsday in the end Africa becomes the center o human civilization... I read King Leopold’s Ghost; there was a Georgian Southerner at Beauty School so I got mad at started talking about Gen. Sherman burning down his home turf.  Believe in severity; I wanted to help them but they’re so sure they know sth but they’ve been exploding-heart-ing me since like MS; it’s part of why I just wanted to live in Redlands and write in the office ‘cause I know what they think; my name is like a Confederate general, IDK my own past, supposedly teetotaling Union officer who burned his uniform.  Tory anti-belief-niks... Let’s talk about Myeongnyang, sacrifice, simplicity, the other thing if adult job-opportunities I guess b/c I know all about being educated but underemployed but I’m not Biden; what job can I create?  Just tell them I’ve lived less than I say I’ve lived; ‘creative writing.’  I never made it to Busan, what’s in Busan?  Shanghai never made it.  Let’s talk about ‘10,000 Sorrows,’ abandonment, slavery, honor-killing, church abuses.  Jazz is neither here nor there that I can tell; body-image.  Who’s the most important person in the world today?  What’s God’s will or me?  Just delete my family name?  Of course I like ‘Deep River’ - ‘ugly and destructive’ slavery.  ‘My Soul’s Been Anchored in the Lord.’  They think I‘m the mark / easy money / sue for punitive damages but I think they’re the marks, ‘maybe so.’  Korea’s not inlating min.-wage; wanna talk about Ralph Ellison, Toni Morrison, James Baldwin.  I know a bit about Baldwinian sin-eating like ‘I tell you all my dirty secrets then pretend I didn’t’ - it’s called US mental healthcare system.  I like that poem about the pimp but this poet also shout his mouth off talkig about firing in to crowds of protesters.  ‘Fire Next Time.’  With Covid it could well be; I was telling ex-friend about how there would just be tanks on the street again but I have come to believe I was reading the future by past.  I used to bodybuild in college and eat fish oil every 2 hours so this girl who loves Taeyang saw my fish oils and started crying since she thought they were steroids; ultra-beautiful,Bo probably / hopefully flourishing, modified spelling of the name that means ‘revelation of God.’  But Snoop?  Cardi?  Does their ethos or way of war ever ever ever prevail?  Bonhoeffer learned from the Black church; I loved his poem about feeling strangled in prison.  I wanna raze Milwaukee and build them reasonable apartments with study-desks and stuff; their neighborhoods have a soothing energy.  Someone a deacde back was eating with African-African national leaders who confided, ‘Our whole continent doesn’t have enough wisdom.’  Koreans were buying up farmland in Africa.  I was sad b/c I felt I had a chance; I checked some vaccine-info. now it’s just like in Uieongbu DJJ is some kind of bio-terrorist.  I was fond of DC Sua’s ‘Copycat’ although I backed from all that because it’s infinitely misinterpretable; I thought about ‘Love Only Me,’ now I am like ‘Love Someone Else.’  I felt as if this ought to be a lenten penitent ‘reduced circumstances’ era in remembrance of numerous mistakes, going humbly.  I liked ‘Don’t Waste Your Life Sentence,’ spring nights.  I sometimes feel as if the current POTUS will say all the right things but the drug-laws in past were merciless and what was the point?  But that’s Rome and I’ve no portfolio.  ‘Henry Fish’ my YAL from 2012 - endless sorries- with his 30-dollar military jackets, taped glasses.  ‘Glad and proud to call Obama my president.’  I’ve never voted and don’t intend to except in ‘12 I voted for Obama partly because the psychiatrist and I had a good exchange; now feel that leaving the town hall that ‘pride’ was literal pride, evil, like all these women say, ‘Why would you do that?’  ‘ObaMao.’  I PRC they called him ‘heiren.’  Syria red line ciaccona, Obergefell, strat-patience.  End Iraq then suddenly super-massive investment in modernization of nuclear forces, telling EU to pay more for defense - there’s just not gonna be Heaven on Earth & I am never gonna make it to Venus and I really walk round thinking about camping in ex-NK and I do’t mean like the drama  But he’s a great man too.  ‘Cocaine and cohabitation’ - maybe he really was pace Dreamcatcher beginning of the end, from Hawai’i, ‘From Here to Eternity,’ end of AmCent.  His ‘Amazing Grace.’  I said something really obtuse about Bloomberg, Pete Mayor, Biden; a while ago skimmed ‘Lost Victories’ about the Nazi general who drove tanks through forests and stuff, when is going to fall the sword?  I liked ‘Beethoven was Black,’ Waldstein-III, and 111 is like ‘massive slave rebellion followed by less-tn-expected final affirmation. IZ*ONE ‘Human Love’ (in respect-mode I call it Ahn Yujin and Jo Yuri ‘Human Love’ b/c they were already breaking up the GG) - I thought it was a great moment; a signature.’  Then the ILY3K, marriage bad, uneducated, omni-prostitution unrestricted war CCP-revanchism exceedingly woke but for all I know I’m just a fake cultural Christian. 

[ecoamerica]

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[lawrencedienerthings]

Trapped in a laid-back paradise, my coronavirus anxiety still shone through

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Seeing the world now in this pandemic crisis has made me realize that people have many different reactions to an event. Because I’m stuck on Hawaii, an island archipelago in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, I feel a great deal of stress from being far from home in Colorado. 

I’ve come to realize that in chaotic times I fear not having control and it stresses me out a lot. Being here on essentially a family vacation, in an island paradise feeling the tropical heat of the air sting my skin, tasting the saltiness of the ocean water, and the sweet, fragrant scent of plumeria blossoms makes me feel like I’m in a dream. 

Amidst the chaos of COVID and its effects on everyone else that I hear about, I feel that where I am in the world is near completely isolated from the fears of the pandemic. It’s as though I am hovering above reality waiting to return because I know I have to wake up from this blissful dream of island beaches and smoothies and come back to the real world that is locked down from the virus. 

People are happy here and very relaxed, and it’s terrifying to think it’s OK to be calm in this pandemic. This projection of people is unfathomable to me. 

MORE: See all of our Write On, Colorado entries and learn how to submit your own here.

“Maria, ” my dad explained to me, “this is a once in a lifetime opportunity, and if anything I’ve learned in life that it’s better to take these chances while they’re there.” 

My dad and I had this conversation about the coronavirus and how I was unsettled. In truth, I didn’t want to go to Hawaii and when the trip was sprung on me after I came home from working, I was pretty upset. This trip was spontaneously planned in one day because the plane fare was cheap and we had the means. 

However, I found my dad’s take on this pandemic pretty interesting. He turned it into something more optimistic, which you can’t find so much of these days. Most people have voiced frustrations about their situation. 

Over the passing months, I gave a lot of thought to the “opportunity” that my father described to me in that conversation. The striking statement left me in complete awe as to how this global crisis could deliver opportunity.

I found in my case it was an opportunity to live somewhere that would normally be impossible. The Hawaiian Islands are often regarded as a paradise, or at least the most tourist-attractive state within our country. 

I was able to gain the perspective of people who live there and I learned the social culture that goes deeper than what visitors experience. Time, in a sense, goes slower in the islands. People are much more laid back and the normal worries and business of societal life can hardly be found. 

Yes, people are struggling to make ends meet and the pandemic has changed people, but despite that fact everyone still lives on and makes the best of what they experience every day. The COVID-19 pandemic presents an opportunity to discover subtle things that we never noticed in our normal lives. 

You can still look beyond the insanity of the situation and find that time has stopped. Such serenity helps us understand how much we have and take for granted. So I’ve given my best effort to enjoy where I am, despite any underlying concern I’ve expressed while trapped in paradise. 

The questions I ask myself are different from my family and friends: “Will I ever get to go back home?” “How long can we stay here?” “Is everyone else OK?” “What is the COVID situation there?” These questions I ask myself every day and can never really get a clear answer. Being on an isolated island is somewhat different from the lockdowns I hear of at home. 

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Here we are not on lockdown, just an advisory to stay at home; a lot of people are out and about getting essentials and going to the beach. Now, being on the beach is actually illegal, unless you’re in the water, so oftentimes when policemen come around, people scatter. 

Social distancing is somewhat practiced but I learned that most of the people here and around me don’t really care about it. I’ve met a few individuals who continue having fun with their families at home and talking to random passers-by on the beach. 

To some extent, everyone is panicked and nervous about this virus and people tend to de-stress in different ways. It so happens here in Hawaii, not many cases of COVID have been found relative to other states and countries; so they aren’t taking the same depth of precautions like in Colorado. As a result, people are more calm. 

As much as I love being here in such a beautiful place, it worries me that I won’t be able to see any of my friends or family for a long time. 

I’m still stuck in a dream and I can’t wake up. 

Maria Prosperi is a high school student who lives in Littleton.

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[lifeofsed]

09-06-2017

I woke up knowing that I can just skip college. I was thinking of driving around, but got stuck with playing games on my phone. I remembered that tonight was going to be game night with Artemis, Marilyn and Ace. I was excited for it. I couldn’t wait to show them that I was now driving. My step-brother asked me to bring him to a store. I drove with him to the store where my favorite vodka was the cheapest. I asked him to buy me 3 bottles of Smirnoff. I brought him home with bottles of cola and chips and of course, my Smirnoff. Later in the afternoon, Ace had sent a message in the group chat that he couldn’t come to the game night. I was kinda happy. I didn’t want to tell him yet that I was driving. If he knew, it would mean that I had to bring him to the university. And then the 2 new friends I’ve made would know. Then I would have to bring them to college sessions that have absurd distances from each other. I am okay with bringing that one friend who’s chill, but the other... The fucking annoying weirdo. Constantly asking me when I get my driver’s license even though I already explained to him that I had to wait. And constantly asking me what I was saying, while I was talking to another person. He also plays the songs in his phone in inappropriate places. Once, somebody had played music from his laptop. Then some other dude played the typical natives people song and danced to it. It was weird, fucking weird. But he was kinda crazy, so it was normal to see him do that. But this guy who I regret talking to... This guy also played the music on his phone. It was some typical EDM that you can find on YouTube with anime related drawing as a background... Fucking weird. I mean, there was already 2 different songs being played. And suddenly you also play some music too?? Jeez man. I don’t know if he’s just looking for attention or something, but it’s embarrassing to be around that guy. So imagine the shit he’ll say if I brought him to another college session using my car. Probably snatch the aux cord and play the embarrassing EDM anime music. That’s why I didn’t use the car to get to college. That’s why I didn’t tell Ace or Asaiah, because they’d immediately ask me for a lift.

When it was time to leave for game night, I got in my car feeling excited. How was Artemis going to react? How was Marilyn to react? I’d love to the see the reaction on their faces. I plan not to tell anyone until somebody asked me how I came here. I imagined Marilyn to be super surprised and asking “Omg, why didn’t you tell us??” and Artemis... Artemis to be super excited to check out the car I’m driving. Who knows? I don’t even know why I keep expecting these things happening. Everything deviates from expectation anyway... So I plugged my phone on the aux and played the playlist named "xXx". It was a playlist that most people consider it sexual or flirtatious. They may be right, but I just enjoy these songs for fun. So I just enlarged the middle x, while not bothering with the other 2 x's.

When I arrived at Marilyn’s, I encountered a problem: Where and how am I supposed to park here? I know there’s a spot at the neighbor’s, but I didn’t want to take any chances to let my car to be towed away. I couldn’t see where I’m blocking the gates, so I parked under a tree near Marilyn’s. I was worried that I didn’t park correctly, so I kept checking around. It started to drizzle. I looked at Marilyn’s front door and saw that it was closed. I messaged her to check if she’s home. I hoped that she wasn’t still at college. She replied that she was home. Fortunately. Then I saw some visitors going there. I hoped that they weren’t staying long. It always feels so awkward when I’m at someone’s place where there are visitors. When I got there, I saw that I was the first to come. I asked for Marilyn and her mother replied that she’s still changing in her room. Ugh, I hated that. I mean, I’m already here. Alone. You’re supposed to be already changed. Don’t keep me waiting with visitors I don’t know. Her boyfriend came to say hello. I suppose Marilyn wanted to keep me company with at least someone I know. She could do better. Oh, she definitely could. I mean, I completely differ from her boyfriend. He's the outgoing, knows-a-lot-of-people type. I'm just a gaming, writing dude with no history.

After a while, Marilyn wanted us to sit in the kitchen. She asked me how it was going and we had a small talk. I couldn't help but look at her ass whenever she walks. She made chocolate cake. I took a slice and it tasted dry. We continued talking for a while. I told her about the guy who calls Ice coffee a brown smoothie and never heard of a local place that's popular for fried chicken.

After a while, Artemis came. I was so happy to see her. She entered the kitchen with a smile and a hello to all of us. She wore a brown-creme colored dress. She looked astonishing. She went to Marilyn's boyfriend to pat him on the shoulders and asked him a few small questions. Then she went to Marilyn to hug her. ... But she didn't seem to say some sort of individual hello to me. ... I didn't focus on that for long, so I just ignored that. It was a game night, no need for sad stuff. We all spoke a bit. We suddenly came to the topic if Zalika, our old classmate, was still in a relationship with her boyfriend. I told them to check out her Instagram profile, but Artemis said that she didn't find any picture of Zalika and her boyfriend. So I told them I'd check out her Facebook profile. When I didn't find any evidence, I had the urge to tell them. But they were already talking about something else, so it was pointless to tell them now. So I ignored my findings and let them continue talk.

When the visitors left, we went to the living room. I sat down on the big fluffy chair, while Artemis and Marilyn sat down on the sofa beside it. I scrolled through my phone, when I suddenly heard Artemis say my name softly to Marilyn. It was something like "I have no problems with Sed..." I was very curious. My curiosity went through the roof. What did she mean by that? No problems as in no problems with communicating with me? Or... My heart pounded hastily on the second assumption. Soon after, 2 other people entered the room. It was a cousin of Marilyn's, I think, with someone I haven't seen on the last 2 game nights. I heard Marilyn say her name in excitement and came to a realization that it was that girl who couldn't come to the previous game nights due to the exams or something. They sat down and started talking about the things I never even heard of. Such as a suicide that took place and everyone else had strange suspicions. Then it went to a series of strange phenomenons while traveling in the forests. Then we went to Burger King to buy some food. When we went back to Marilyn's, Marilyn's boyfriend asked her if she saw my car. She was surprised. But the thing is, I didn't expect the surprise to come in a car. When I got out, I quickly went in the garage to avoid the rain. Then Marilyn asked me when I received my driver's license. I told her a bit of the everything, while we went inside. I expected Artemis to ask me some questions, but she didn't... This disappointed me. But I wasn't going to let that drag my mood down, because it was a game night. So I left it at that. Then we started discussing about the game we'd play. Then a guy entered the room. It was the guy whose name I never heard of. I wasn't interested to ask, so I left it at that. The new girl didn't want to play, so I took her place. She just wanted to look at the movie that was displayed on TV. We played Party & Co. I teamed up with Artemis, which is always fine by me. When we were done, the new girl said that she had to leave because her ride was here. Then Artemis had to leave too. She said goodbye as she was picked up by her brother. I went to my car and continued to play the playlist xXx. When I got on the road,  thought about why Artemis didn't say much to me. Was she okay? Was there something bothering her? Did I do something? Did I not do something? My mind was filled with questions with her name on it... I hope she's okay. I wanted to text her when I got home, but I had this insane worry that I would be bothering her... I really hope you’re okay.